#maybe there are normal ones but why is it that there’s always a high proportion of them who are always:

[got7]

one day male gg stans will go extinct 🤞🏽

[bayjaruchel]

Always

－－－

Pairing: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock/AFAB Reader

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Hiccup has a lot on his mind. You help him relax, in more ways than one. (3.6k) (originally posted on ao3)

－－－

Whenever Hiccup was tired — either mentally or physically — he'd find you. 

It wasn't like you didn't spend time together when he was in good health, though. On the contrary, you saw him basically every day. After the whirlwind of events that involved him, a certain Night Fury, and the Red Death, you'd somehow been flung into a rapidly developing relationship. 

Sure, he was … Shy, at first. But also devastatingly sweet. Excruciatingly compassionate. Sometimes you wondered what you'd done to deserve him — correction, what you'd done to earn his perhaps years- long infatuation with you, which you learned about later. Honestly, you still didn't know. Whenever you tried asking, his prepubescent bashfulness roared back like a Thunderdrum. 

Not that you minded too much. It was still cute. 

Regardless, whenever you spent time together, it was usually pre-planned. Maybe you'd have lunch together. Maybe you'd go on long flights — dragons either flying in lazy overlapping figure-eights or shooting through the air, diving precariously to skim the surface of the ocean. The location or activity didn't matter much, as long as you were together. Sometimes, you'd just sit together on the high hills near his home and watch the sky. Still, all those things were proper dates, with proper times and proper locations. Hiccup rarely liked to intrude on your personal time. 

However, on occasion, he'd break that personal law of his. 

This was one of those certain occasions. 

He found you, already in your house due to the late hour. 

You could tell he'd been out flying, due to his ruffled appearance. Although his hair was always at least a little out of place, it wasn't normally this windswept without good reason. He'd shed his helmet, but not his armor; upon entering, though, he took off his vambraces and delicately placed them on the table nearest the door.

Automatically, he closed the distance, wrapping his arms around your upper back. When you returned his embrace, he practically melted into you, hair tickling your cheek where he'd tucked his head into your shoulder. Hiccup smelled faintly of the sea, and of dragons; it made you wonder just how far he'd gone. 

"Hey," he mumbled, muffled into your tunic. 

"Hey yourself." Turning just so, you pressed a kiss into his hair. "Something on your mind?" 

He backed away a little, raising his head to look at you, but didn't let go. He looked tired, shoulders slumped and eyes faintly shadowed. "Yeah, I guess you could say that." 

Sounded tired, too. Frowning, you reached up to idly push a lock of auburn hair out of his face. He leaned subtly into your touch, seeking further the warmth of your hand on his skin. At your proximity to him, you could pick out the slight stubble he'd developed. Or his freckles, patterned like constellations across his cheeks and nose. His eyelashes were pretty, too, but he'd never understood why. 

"You didn't push Toothless too hard, did you? He's strong, I know, but even he can only take so much before having to rest." Fondly, you added, "he'd follow you to the ends of the Earth, that one." 

His eyes softened. "I know. But I swear I didn't wear him out — we only flew for so long before heading back." 

"Good." 

You looked at each other for a moment, smiling, before your hand found a familiar place on his cheek. 

"... Did something happen?" 

Hiccup's gaze darted off to the side, his expression fading back into one of weariness. 

"Yeah? I guess?" He paused, before glancing back at you. "I should've seen it coming, but, you know me — always blowing things out of proportion, at least by a little bit." Laughing weakly, he probably would've done one of his sardonic arm movements if he wasn't still holding you. Speaking of, his grip tightened, just a bit. 

"Long story short, my dad wants me to be his … successor." He winced. "Uh, he wants me to be the next chief." 

"Oh." 

You searched his expression and didn't find much of anything. "That's … " 

" … A lot," finished Hiccup, resigned. "Yeah, it's a lot." 

"A lot of … bad stuff?" 

Of course, anyone with two working eyes and a brain would be aware of the fact that Hiccup was very much not like his father. Stoick wasn't a bad man, even if he did have his faults — he and his son merely resembled two opposing elements, clashing and yet harmonizing at the same time. Where the current chief of the Hooligans was brash, all fire and aggression, Hiccup was anything but. He kept to himself most of the time, preferring to spend time alone with Toothless. 

You believed in him, and you always would — it was just that, if he needed to step up as a leader, you were worried about how he'd handle it. 

"Bad stuff, good stuff, just — stuff," he blustered, his voice rising in volume. "Honestly, I've been avoiding my dad. For the past day or so. I can't even look him in the eye without — without thinking about that . " Inhaling sharply, he slowly released his breath in an attempt to calm himself. 

It didn't seem to work. 

"I can't accept that responsibility." 

Quietly, you brushed aside his bangs again. "You haven't talked to him about it at all? He'd listen," you insisted. "He's not as closed-minded as he used to be." 

Hiccup's brow furrowed as he stepped back, arms falling back to his sides. "But he still wouldn't understand why. He'd be all— " Dropping his tone and puffing out his chest in a clear imitation of his father, he declared, "Son, it's only inevitable! You might as well step up while ye can! No use denyin' destiny!"  

You couldn't help but smirk. "Hey, you got his accent spot-on." 

"Why, thank you." He brightened for a moment, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Sometimes I wonder if I exaggerate it." 

"Maybe just a little." 

"Aw, man." Shaking his head solemnly, he humored you for a moment. But quickly, he was serious again. "Regardless of my expertise in the great, great field of accent imitation … " 

"He wouldn't understand that — all of those speeches, and planning, and running the village — it's second nature to him, at this point." Hiccup rolled his shoulders, averting his eyes from yours. "But for me — no, that's not me. I can't be the leader he thinks I'll be — I can't just slip into that role." Running one hand through his hair, he waved his other in a disjointed motion. "Being the pride of Berk doesn't mean I'll automatically become that strong, confident chief that's needed." 

"I guess what I'm trying to get at is that — I'm not him. And I never will be." Dropping his hands back to his sides, he turned his attention to the window. Outside, it was dark, but the sky was clear. A drowsy quiet had fallen upon Berk, a far cry from its usual liveliness. 

"And I never met my mother, so … what does that make me?" 

Finally, he met your eyes once more. Your heart ached for him. 

When you pulled him into another hug, he didn't resist. 

For a minute, you just stayed like that — wrapped around one another. And then, you broke the silence. 

"You don't have to be your father. Or your mother." His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, but you kept going. "I know you're still searching for yourself — who you are — but that's alright. People can change and grow over time, Hiccup. Even if they think they can't." You gently traced circles over his back. "Even if you think you can't." 

His breath was unsteady as he exhaled. 

When he spoke, he sounded vulnerable. 

"Do you think that … I could be a good chief?" 

You didn't hesitate before responding. "Of course I do. Maybe you're not ready right now, but when you are, you'll be the strong leader that Berk needs." Another kiss, pressed to his temple. "I just know it." 

Hiccup sighed deeply, relaxing more into your arms. For a guy as tall and lanky as he was, he had no problem with making himself smaller in your presence. You had a feeling he even preferred it that way. 

"What would I do without you, huh?" 

Tenderly, he cupped your face. 

You couldn't help but tease him, though. 

"Wallow in your own despair, maybe." Leaning in slowly, you gave him a look. "Well, more than usual."

He smiled, eyes crinkling up at the corners. "Ouch." 

Still, he met you halfway. His lips were a little chapped, maybe, but other than that you had no complaints. As your arms wrapped around his neck, bringing him closer, his hands fell to your waist with a gentle but firm grip. He tasted very faintly of honey. 

It was all very sweet — pun not intended — and you didn't stop it when the kiss deepened. He hummed contentedly, just before you parted; both breathing heavier than you had been before. It was only a brief moment, a brief pause --  and then his lips were on yours again. Passionately, not hungrily. He'd never been a taker. Always a giver. 

Inches from you, after you parted for maybe the seventh or eighth time — you weren't quite keeping count— he murmured something, breathlessly. 

"Can we take this to bed?" He looked at you with nearly half-lidded eyes, and then added a quiet "please?"

"If you want to," you answered, softly. 

"Very much," was his reply, followed by another dizzying kiss. 

His armor and various articles of gear were soon discarded into a small pile, leaving him in just his dark green tunic, pants, and other assorted under-layers. 

At first, he'd been a bit awkward concerning his prosthetic. Insecure. But now, after climbing onto the mattress with you, he deftly removed it and put it to the side with a dull clunk . It didn't come up often as an issue, anyway — after a fair bit of messing around, trying to find positions that wouldn't cause him to lose his balance and topple over, you'd adapted quite easily. 

Right now, you weren't even moving at a speed that could possibly make him fall over. 

He settled back onto the pillows as you hovered over him. Then, you leaned down to continue what you'd started. His hands settled somewhere on your back — he made a small noise as your tongue slipped into his mouth. Warm and longing, he pulled you impossibly closer, craving the feeling of your body pressed against his. 

Soon, his hands snaked below your tunic, seeking out your skin. You giggled, a little — his fingers were always cold after a flight — but they would warm up. In the meantime, you'd help him warm up, too. 

Hiccup shivered, almost imperceptibly, as your lips found his neck for a moment. Indulgently, you nibbled once, playfully, and his breath hitched. But he didn't let you continue much longer, and soon you were back to kissing him where he wanted you most. This was exactly how he liked it best; slow and steady, with no rush to completion. 

A short while later: you almost missed his words, soft as they were. You felt his calloused fingertips tracing patterns on your back all the while. 

"Can I take this off?" He asked, close enough that you could almost feel his lips shaping the syllables. 

You whispered a quiet affirmative. 

The cool air was fresh on your skin, goosebumps temporarily rippling across the newly-bare areas, but he soothed them. A kiss on your shoulder, your collarbone, just above your chest area, and then — your breath escaped in a shudder as his lips found one of your nipples, a hot contrast to the otherwise crisp temperature. After a cheeky, parting nip, he gave the other the same attention. His eyes slid shut after you let out a small, shaky sigh. 

Eventually, you helped him out of his tunic as well, covering the same ground as he had with your lips. His freckles weren't just limited to his face — they were all over his body, pretty much; some on his lean torso, some on his arms, others on his thighs, and even one or two on certain other areas — but you'd get to that later. 

He twitched slightly when you thumbed over his bony hips, his hand resting somewhere between the back and top of your head as you kissed a trail from one shoulder, down to just above his waistband, and then back to the other shoulder. Similarly to the map he was making of the world outside Berk, you enjoyed plotting out the routes between the occasional scar or mole. One jagged mark near his navel, from a bad fall into a thornbush. A couple of assorted scratches here and there from more recent events. You paid attention to each and every one. 

You looked at him, from where you rested near his chest, your own chest resting on his flat abdomen. He met your gaze — green eyes filled with nothing except pure adoration. 

When you moved upwards, kissing him again, he reciprocated eagerly. 

It wasn't long until your previously unhurried kisses grew heated. Hot. Heavy. You felt your face warm as you became aware of your desire — having started out subtle, only a nagging feeling at the back of your mind, but now nearly throbbing, tipping into desperation —

—it seemed he felt the same, as he returned what you were giving him enthusiastically. Even though you were pressed up against him again, his hands returning to your chest before sliding down to grip your waist — it wasn't enough, you were determined to take every low moan and high gasp he released—

Hiccup suddenly broke the kiss, nearly panting

You looked at him quizzically, after instinctively chasing his lips — you were about to ask if he was alright, but he spoke first.  

"Can we— " Catching his breath, he quickly continued. "—switch? Positions, I mean." 

"Oh." It only took you a millisecond to understand what he wanted.

You smiled. "Oh. Sure." 

Rolling off of him, it was your turn to lay back. He helped you shimmy out of your trousers — as he slid them down your legs, he paused to press a kiss just above your knee — before tossing your pants on the floor, where they joined the other abandoned clothes. You didn't care much for wrinkles at a time like this. He never cared for wrinkles, period. 

A pillow, most likely homemade, was slid underneath your hips. Hiccup had always liked every part of you, you were well aware of it. However, he seemed to enjoy your thighs the most; he especially enjoyed being between them. 

His thumbs found your inner thighs, gently drawing them apart as he made himself comfortable on his stomach. 

"Okay?" As he glanced up at you, you could pick out his eyelashes once again. 

"Yeah," you breathed. 

At the first touch of his lips, close to where you wanted them most, you shivered. 

He was patient again, drawing nearer and nearer to your sex — he wasn't the type to leave marks but also wasn't completely adverse to a little nipping. Nonetheless, he was gentle all the while, soothing whichever places he graced with his teeth with more open-mouthed kisses. 

You were tense with anticipation by the time he finally, finally licked a broad stripe up your cunt. 

Vividly, you still remembered the first time he'd eaten you out. What he completely lacked in experience, he made up for with sheer enthusiasm and a nearly all-consuming need to please — now, he still possessed that same enthusiasm, but instead of clumsy kisses and clueless, unskilled lapping, he knew exactly what to do. Hands reaching to cup at the backs of your thighs, he let out a muffled, quiet groan that sent wonderful vibrations dancing up your spine. 

He kept up a steady, firm rhythm, eyes fluttering shut again as he busied himself with his task at hand — his tongue working at your folds, flicking up to tease your clit, delving inside your cunt —  you were growing wetter by the passing minute. He practically worshiped you, and you were a grateful recipient, a grateful deity to a devout follower. 

Your legs trembled as you gradually approached the peak you needed so much. When his lips closed around your sensitive apex and sucked, gently — your hips instinctively twitched upwards, and you couldn't help the sound that tumbled from your mouth in response. 

One calloused finger easily slipped inside you, immediately crooking upwards towards your stomach, searching. It didn't take long for you to adjust, and after your whispered pleas, he added another, both massaging at the spot that made you sigh and gasp. All the while, he lavished attention on your clit with his tongue, occasionally letting out soft, nearly inaudible moans of his own. 

Even though you couldn't quite see it from your position, his hips shifted against the mattress, seeking just enough relief to take his mind off of his own arousal. But the other, rather large percentage of his attention was still focused on pleasing you — on making you come, trembling, onto his tongue as you had many times before. 

Speaking of time — you were unaware of just how much of it passed, but eventually, you felt the familiar coil tightening, warmth pooling low in your abdomen. He must've known, too, because that was precisely when he began doubling his efforts; his fingers prodding insistently in a come hither motion, while he pressed sloppy kisses to your clit, thumbing over the nub with the same already-occupied hand. 

Your back arched upwards, towards his mouth. Flushed and quivering, you nearly choked on a gasp. "Hic—" 

That was the most warning you could give, before you clenched down on his fingers, hips jerking as you came. Letting out a series of short, nearly wanton exclamations, you let your head sink back further into the pillows as he helped you ride out your orgasm. You saw stars for a split second, winking brightly behind your eyelids. 

He kept working at you until the aftershocks had faded, fingers sliding out of you with an almost filthy wet noise. 

You were still panting, face hot, as he absentmindedly popped them into his mouth, tongue swirling around his digits — eyes already heavy-lidded, they shut for a moment at your taste. After you returned to Earth, you drew him in for a kiss, not minding the slight tanginess. If anything, it made you want him more. 

Upon glancing downward, you could easily see the distinct evidence of Hiccup's desire, straining at his pants. 

His breath escaped in a hiss when you leisurely palmed him. 

Soon, you'd switched positions again, and you hovered just above his needy cock as he shifted back to lean on the headboard. 

You were still slick and loose from earlier, so with only a little bit of a stretch, you sank down on him, taking him inside your still-sensitive cunt; the sensations almost bordering on too much, but perfectly so. His face screwed up once he was fully hilted in your heat, and he paused to adjust himself, breath escaping in quick, high-pitched pants. It wasn't anything new — he was always already beyond worked up after eating you out. 

"Good?" You asked, after giving him a few seconds. 

"Yeahyeah yeah," he replied in a single breath, hands squeezing your hips, careful not to grip too tight — "gods , you're warm, mmh— " 

Slowly, you rocked. His grip tightened the tiniest bit. He didn't push you to go faster at all, or harder, letting you ride him at your own pace — but this wasn't for your pleasure. It was your turn to give and his to take. And so, you gave, brushing over his nipples and biting at the spots that always made him lose control. More and more moans fell from his lips, growing in volume and pitch —

He was begging, quietly, breathlessly. You captured his mouth again, biting his bottom lip, making him squirm. His cock twitched inside you, filling you up just right, as if his body was shaped by divine hands to perfectly fit yours —

You watched, reverently, when he finally reached his own ecstasy — you'd pulled him out, given him a couple of firm pumps — his voice cracked on a final, unrestrained whine as his release splattered across his stomach, thick and warm on your palm. It didn't matter how many times you'd witnessed him come — each time, he looked beautiful. 

His breath slowed, the dazedness fading from his expression. His hands loosened on your hips before he finally looked up at you, still considerably flushed. 

"That … " He swallowed. "Was that, uh … Fine?" 

You almost broke into a fit of giggles, but prevented it before it could happen by kissing him instead. Hiccup was perhaps a bit clumsy, but you didn't mind in the slightest. When you parted, you lingered — neither wanting to move just yet, feeling languid in the afterglow. 

"Yes, it was fine," you echoed. His nose wrinkled at your teasing tone, but he couldn't suppress his lopsided smile. A quick peck on your cheek, and then he was back to leaning on the pillows. 

"I'm glad it was fine." 

The sensation of cooling ejaculate was only bearable for a short amount of time, so eventually you did move to clean up. The wet towel was a little cold on your skin, and he thought so too, but it was all in the service of somewhat-proper hygiene. 

Thankfully, the cold failed to slip through the combination of your blankets and Hiccup — which was and had always been a very effective combination. 

You slipped into a comfortable slumber like that — both cozy and sated. He wasn't tense in the slightest as he held you, his chest rising and falling in a relaxed rhythm. If you concentrated, you could feel his heartbeat against your bare back. 

He always fell asleep before you. 

You hoped his dreams consisted of lovely things, always. 

[bloodismymedium]

I headcanon Mona having Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I couldn’t help but think of some scenarios related to her condition and how it would make her act.

🪞Mona views herself as a superb artist, a true visionary so naturally, she gets incredibly frustrated when she’s not getting the shading just right on her latest painting or, maybe she’s not recreating the look of anguish in her latest victim’s eyes exactly. She’ll get to the point where she will start screaming and smashing shit in frustration until finally breaking down into tears, hitting herself and calling herself a “shit artist” over and over. After her meltdown, Mona will rock back and forth in a fetal position, mumbling to herself for nearly half an hour until finally taking a deep breath and continuing her work like nothing happened.

🪞 Mona doesn’t have body issues often, she’s very proud of the way she looks most of the time and even considers herself beautiful but it’s when she starts to compare herself to other woman when she starts to feel insecure. She can’t help be jealous of how lush and plentiful Tina’s hair is compared to her thin, course hair and receding hairline, she and Bill nearly killed each other over an argument regarding Mona accusing Bill of not finding her attractive because she caught him jorkin his peanits to a porno magazine filled with curvy woman with big tits and she can’t bare to look at her self harm scars most of the time because they remind her of a time when she was “pitiful and weak” (a child).

🪞 Mona has a love-hate relationship with her height as well. Mona has a love for clothes and fashion but her incredible height (7’2) and awkward proportions due to her Marfan syndrome makes it difficult to wear what she wants, she can’t really wear anything aside from draping cloaks, hospital gowns and panting smocks. Mona really wants to wear cute dresses or fancy suits but can’t and it makes her really upset sometimes. Despite this, Mona does love how much she towers over everyone, it gives her a strong sense of power and superiority over her victims and it adds to her intimidation factor.

🪞 Mona hates the idea of being “weak” and she beats herself up really badly when she does something she considers weak, like expressing genuine human emotion, she badly wants to be this inhuman monster that the media built her up to be. Mona had a violent meltdown when she hesitated in killing Tina because she developed a toxic lesbian crush on her, not once blaming Tina the entire time but rather believing it was her fault because she was “losing her edge”. She had a panic attack over the idea that she’s “not a real artist” because she hesitated in killing someone but these bad thoughts would begin to go away when her obsession with Tina started to grow, an obsession that stemmed from Mona wanting to figure out what about Tina caused a moment of weakness in her that would transform into a more stalker-ish one.

🪞 Mona will try to escape her insecurities and moments of self doubt by drinking or using drugs, which really only amplifies her negative thoughts and bring them out to the surface. She’ll start having thoughts she normally wouldn’t have after getting through half a bottle of wine like, “does Bill really love me or is he just using me?” or “my parents were pieces of shit and yet I miss them, why do I miss them?!”. Bill will sometimes bear witness to these rare moments of self reflection and try to bring them up but Mona waves them off as just the booze/drugs talking and she’s not actually that weak, pathetic little person. Mona would never admit to it unless she is really high or drunk but the only murder she actually felt remorse for committing was her parents’.

🪞 Mona refuses to admit that she kills and paints because she wants attention, she wants the world to apologize to her for making her the way she is and accept her, acceptance and being the center of attention was always something she wanted because she was ostracized and tormented for the way she looks her entire life. Mona legitimately hates the world and everyone in it and yet she doesn’t want them to hate her, she wants to be loved in a way that only she understands.

🪞 Mona will almost always DEMAND that her victims look her in the eye while she kills or tortures them and will go ballistic if they dare close their eyes or try to focus their attention on someone or something else. She always wants to be the center of attention when it comes to her murder victims, she always wants to be the last thing they see before they die because it’s her idea of an act of kindness, she wants them to bare witness to the artistry and beauty that is Mona Lanius.

🪞 Mona was extremely upset when she was finally caught at first, she still had so much planned and that philistine Nathan completely ruined everything for her, she ranted and raved in her holding cell like a wild animal for hours until finally crying herself to sleep, it was only when she woke up the next day when she realized that Bill is dead, making her fall into a deep depression (she really did love him deep down and she never got to tell him that😔) but her depression washed away as soon as she caught wind of the media’s response to her capture, she was practically all that people were talking about, there was finally a name and face to the most infamous murders in American history and her name/face was positively everywhere, there were even people coming in to visit her, wanting to get interviews or offering her book deals, some of her visitors even requested commissions. Mona was positively overjoyed by all of the attention she was getting and believes she has finally “made it” as an artist because of it.

[kikithedreamerwriter]

Y/N x Bayverse!Turtles

let me know if you want to be a part of my taglist!

🗣️ taglist: @sharpwindow @pheradream-15

Imagines #1: Baby Fever

I recently started watching Sweeth Tooth on Netflix (seasons 1 was 🔥) and this what if has been at the back of my time for MONTHS.

I know that it may be physiologically impossible for mutant turtles to produce with humans BUT HEAR ME OUT.

What if? There was this worldwide pandemic that only affected females. For months, women would not have their period, their temperature would always be at the high 30’s, they would have constant chills, fatigue, and pain in their uterus. Then one day, everyone affected by the disease just suddenly got better as if nothing ever happened. When these women got pregnant, ninths months later, their babies weren’t just normal humans with normal round faces and small hands and feet. NO. But humans with animal features. Like Sweet Tooth!

So when Y/N, months after contracting the mysterious disease and who has been in a stable relationship with (name your turtle), began experiencing morning sickness, mood swings, weird cravings, and no period, she takes a pregnancy test and to her surprise… it’s positive. Maybe the disease somehow changes the physiology of the human female reproductive system? (Insert your own theory/imagine here!)

What do you guys think? 👀

I’d imagine the offspring to still look quite human with a human face, scales from their of their neck to the tops of their shoulders, the would have a turtle shell with unique patterns, iridescent scales fading from their hands up to their arms and their feet to their legs, they would still have five fingers and toes but their hands and feet would be quite large in proportion to their body, colorful eyes, and a “premature” or “faint” plastron on the front of their chests.

HCs for how the brothers will dad!

Leo

Imagine having twin boys with opposite personalities that bicker at one another 24/7. 👦👦

Talk about karma. Splinter had to deal with him and Raph.

He’s a stern dad, but a fair dad.

Will definitely channel his boys’ energy into training.

I imagine each twin having a favorite uncle. One for Uncle Raph, one for Uncle Donnie, but everyone LOVES Uncle Mikey!

Leo will feel insecure at times because his boys always choose you over him, but he needs to be reminded that that his sons IDOLIZE him and are in absolute awe of him whenever Leo spars with his brothers. They’re always on the sidelines cheering for their daddy. 🥺

Leo will want to be a role model to his boys just as Splinter was to him. 💙

Raph

Definitely a girl dad. 👧

Thinks he can say no to those puppy eyes, but Big Red is WEAK for his baby girl (you too, but he’s going to simp HARDER for your little one).

Definitely dreads the day when she begins to likes boys 💀

Raph DADS when he dads. Baby needs a diaper change? He’s got it. Baby having a fit? Raph’s already got her on his plastron, soothing her to sleep. Baby wants to play? He looks good in pink anyways. ❤️

Raphs’s the knight, baby is the princess, and Uncle Mikey is the dragon during playtime.

Expect ALOT of knitted blankets, stuffed animals, and wooden toys.

Daddy Red is PROTECTIVE. Not even a single scratch is allowed on his precious baby.

Donnie

I can see this technical genius with a little helper of his own 👦👧

Boy or girl, rest assured your baby will be just as loved by their daddy and just smart as their daddy.

I can imagine Donnie just curating a library for his little one and he would change the selections yearly. His baby would have their own little library card 🥺 So will all the cousins!

Would LOVE to answer all those annoying “what’s that?” and “why?” questions of your baby whenever they visit him at his lab.

His kid would have his own step stool, lab coat, and protective eyewear in a bin beside his 💜

Funnily enough, they would share a similar love for poptarts 😅

Mikey

Out of all his brothers, Mikey remembers most what it’s like to be a kid, so having one of his one is simply a blessing and an opportunity to provide his own a good childhood like Splinter did for him and his brothers 🥺

You’ll have to do most of the discipline, but he’ll be your cheerleader and “emotional support” when you do that. Like Raph, he can never get mad at his babies.

Yes more than one. One is NOT enough.

Expect alot of sleepovers, Mario Kart game nights, and skate board rink sessions with not only his kids but ALL the cousins ✨

His children will 100% inherit his suave and personality.

He’s the FUN DAD period. Even when his kids are fully grown and have done things that may disappoint him, he will still love them just the same as the first time he saw their adorable little faces 🧡

Like these imagines? What head cannons should I make next? Please reblog and like you enjoyed this 💕✨ Yes you! 👀

[therummesoccupied]

IDW'S SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, SPRING BROKEN SPECIAL - THOUGHTS

A while back, it became pretty clear that the abundant specials IDW has been releasing for the past year have had a certain... "commonality" about them. Endless Summer, A Very Chaotix Halloween, Winter Jam - the Four Seasons theming read loud and clear. Now, up until a couple months ago, I'd assumed the 900th Adventure Special was meant to be the stand-in for Spring in this lineup, so I was a bit surprised when Spring Broken was announced to round the seasonal specials off. I was interested to see what kind of send-off they'd give this little gaggle of stories.

This time around, we have pencils by Adam Bryce Thomas and colors by Leonardo Ito. These two are a really great combo, as I think Ito's emphasis on simple, soft color palettes compliments the very manga-esque style Adam brings to the table. This style, however, leaves me a little confused as to why he, of all artists, was the one pulled for this story.

ABT tends to be at his best when working on big, over-the-top action sequences. His work really sells the sense of adrenaline the series is trying to convey in its tensest moments. That being said, the story here is... fairly mundane? The characters spend a day at the fair and solve a mystery about flowers. Heck, the entire last couple pages are entirely dedicated to showing the characters enjoying the attractions once all is said and done.

There's not really a ton here in the way of high-stakes plot that would really give Adam a chance to shine.

That being said, there's still enough here that you can see his art style noticably developing a bit in a manner akin to Evan Stanley's. Namely in the way he draws Sonic himself.

It might just be my imagination, here, but I could swear Sonic's quills are longer and come to a more distinct point than the way Adam usually draws them. We know Evan has been taking strides to incorporate elements of official 2D Sonic art into her artstyle, perhaps this is a sign that Adam has been doing the same. Beyond that, I think I'm noticing some more fun and stretchy facial expressions on some of these characters, too. When it comes to the way faces are drawn, I've always found that ABT has a tendency to stay pretty on-model, but here I'm seeing a bit more expressive warping of the facial proportions than I'd expect out of Adam.

Where Adam really knocks it out of the park here, though, is with the background character designs.

Adam's always good at drawing up unique OCs, and there are tons of 'em here. Having so many characters with so many looks and still having a consistent style to them all goes a long way toward helping the world feel just a little more lived in. Another cool bit of background work he contributed is this central figure that pops up in a few places around the festival.

Also I just noticed that Cream and Vanilla are here. Neato.

When asked about this figure on Twitter, ABT said that she's intended to be a sort of Nature Spirit, and that the festival pays reverence to her. She's never mentioned in the story, but it's a neat little detail to see the more spiritual side of this world's cultures.

As I said before, the story, written by Josh Trujillo, is not too incredibly exciting. The majority of the plot centers around the mystery behind the annual Flower Contest, which itself is really three mysteries, all of which are wrapped up pretty quickly. Really, it seems to be less about the mystery, and more about how these characters spend their free time in a sort of slice-of-life fashion. This is fine, and it shows us some neat character interactions we don't normally get to see, like Jewel and Espio or Amy and Nite, but it's also something we've been getting a lot of lately.

It almost makes me wonder, with the amount of miniseries and specials they've been putting out there recently, if it wouldn't be possible, and maybe a better use of resources, to just run a dedicated sister series devoted to telling side stories like Sonic Universe did for Archie.

I'm not the first person to make this point, but perhaps then we could get more big, exciting plots full of stakes and gravitas in the main book. Who knows.

All in all, Spring Broken didn't particularly blow me away. I'd say it's a nice break from the norm but... it's not. It's exactly the kind of story we've frankly been getting in surplus as of late. I'm ready for things to move again, ready for the non-stop, blood-pumping action of Sonic the Hedgehog! There are some cute moments here and there that I do appreciate, but I just wish they could have come at a different time.

Issue #70 drops in about 22 hours for me, so with any luck, that will scratch my itch for more exciting Sonic stories for a bit.

'Til then, thanks for reading!

[squarebracket-trickster]

Sudden realization! (Albeit half formed thought, bear with me)

It's been stewing in the back of my mind for years, the mystery of how Tolkien was able to write about "the darkness", "the deep places of the world", "shadow", and so on in a way where these words have... weight, I guess? Like, normally, in a story, when I read about how "a darkness fell over the land," it feels like a cheap and clichéd attempt at creating atmosphere. The words just... mean nothing to me... I don't feel anything.

But, the way Tolkien uses them, they feel powerful - like "sends shivers down your spine" powerful, and maybe that's just me, but I think I've finally figured out why Tolkien does it for me.

It's euphemism.

Tolkien's characters use these words as euphemisms for things they don't want to describe for one reason or another (fear that uttering a name might draw unwanted attention, wanting to impress upon companions that something is dangerous without scaring them too much, wanting to tell a story but leave out the evilest details, etc). Long story short, this gives the words dimension - why isn't the character speaking plainly?

If the character is afraid, it is a subtle way to reinforce that sense of looming evil that is always watching. Otherwise, it's a great way to get some characterization - why doesn't this character trust the others with the truth, for example? Sometimes, it just makes more sense to have a character recount something (like the horrors they saw in battle) in euphemism because, of course, they would want to use strong language while also not going into detail.

In contrast, I notice a lot of other works will use words like "darkness" or "shadow" as names for an actual thing (see: the magic power of manipulating shadows), they will throw one of the words into a bit of exposition with no purpose other than to tell the reader and/or another character how they should feel about something, or they will use these (really strong) words descrobe something that just isn't proportional.

Like, a character might say, "The king's wrath cast a shadow over the land", but then they will instantly start describing what exactly the King did that was so evil, so there was no point to using the euphemism in the first place (except to convey atmosphere, maybe?). Or, the character will say, "those were dark times" or something, and not elaborate, but there really was no reason for them to phrase it that way, and they aren't talking about anything particularly taboo or personally traumatic. The word just kind of disappears, loses it's impact (and then when it gets continuously overused in this way it starts to feel cheesy). It would have made more sense for the character to describe that particular event as an "awful time" rather than a "dark" one. It's equally vague and equally tells us the character's opinion, but it's how people actually talk (unless it's a particularly sensitive or taboo subject for them).

Also, I think "dark", "shadow", "evil" etc bring with them baggage that just saying "it was awful" doesn't have - because these are words used primarily in high fantasy to create atmosphere and to clearly delineate the heroes and villains (what's good and what's bad) of a story (also, the Bible?) . When used wrong, they come off as too "tell rather than show" at best and preachy at worst, so if you are going to use them you need to use them in a way that distracts from or subverts that baggage. In essence, they need a second meaning, hence: euphemism.

This was inspired by the passage in Fellowship where Gandalf *does not* tell the fellowship there is Balrog in Moria (but does tell them of a darkness even the orcs don't dare delve into).

[majimemegoro]

God Fall

In which Kadokura feels stupid after being stupid

Read this for context first, then this for the precipitating event, then read on.

It was somewhere in between when he finished shampooing his hair and when he was scrubbing his feet that Kadokura starting coming down.

The shift back to earth was gradual, almost unnoticeable. But somehow the sound of the shower spattering on the floor had become both more noticeable and less… numinous. The world shrinking down to its usual proportions. Or his awareness shrinking down. And all the inanimate life around him no longer celebrating his existence in frozen, terrified rapture.

The smell of Richardson’s shampoo stopped being so delightful. It stopped feeling so good to run his hands across his scalp and down his neck. His nerves stopped singing.

The water had stopped running pink several minutes ago; it was clear now. The rivulets running down his legs, clear. The water pooling by his toes, clear.

Clear, clear, clear. Everything pristine.

Immaculate, one might even say.

Kadokura bit down a sharp huff of laughter.

He wondered what Kimi was doing, and there - thinking about her - ah, he was definitely human. Something twinged in his gut. A flesh-borne frailty he hadn’t had to worry about just a few minutes ago.

Embarrassment - or, no. He was just hungry. All he’d eaten today was a piece of dry toast and some coffee and orange juice. And that had been quite early. Before Andre had called him down to help. Kadokura had finished the meal fast. Too fast. He was lucky he hadn’t gotten indigestion or something. He’d been eager. To get to work. Andre had been so nice to him. All these presents.

Kadokura braced a hand against the hard tile as he balanced on one foot to scrub at his leg, and in response the world swooped somehow and he put both feet back on the ground again, both hands on the wall, until the moment passed. He stayed in that position for a minute. The hot steam in his lungs felt good. Maybe he’d been smoking too much.

Shit, he was tired. The days of insufficient sleep catching up to him again. Maybe that was why he’d - played it up so much. Maybe he’d overdone it a little.

He wasn’t always like that.

He swallowed hard.

He should just avoid people when he was having a time, he thought grumpily. So much easier that way. This was kind of like - waking up after a night of partying and being able to remember the stupid shit you’d done.

Not that he was easily embarrassed.

His stomach growled. He needed food. Caffeine, too. At the very least. Somehow he felt very empty, now that the grandiosity had left him behind. It had been fun while it lasted, he thought morosely. He closed his eyes. Let the water spray his face and run down his nose. He didn’t usually come down this hard. But then, he didn’t usually climb so terribly high. Usually he wasn’t prodded, lifted. Worshipped.

It was strange. He could remember the heady sensations, the way he’d felt looking down at her shimmering, liquid eyes as she’d-

But really, he was just a hungry naked body taking too long in the shower. A little weak and shaky, even. He was behind on everything. Food, coffee, whatever - add a smoke to the list.

He had been smoking too much, hadn’t he? He didn’t normally crave it this badly. Need it, rather. Only once in awhile.

His feet were undeniably on the floor, now. And - whatever had happened here had been fucking weird. Kimi had been fucking weird. Why the hell did she play along? Why did she take it so far? And why had he been such a goofball about it?

Flailing a hand out blindly, he levered the faucet closed with a clunk, and the shower spat out one last trickle of hot water onto him before turning off. Mouth set in a hard line, he grabbed for one of the fluffy white towels hanging beside the shower - studiously ignoring the lovely, sodden pink towel still on the ground - and started drying himself off, none too gently.

Ha. He was embarrassed.

What a disgusting sensation. This was all Kimi’s fault. Somehow she’d managed to turn something he was familiar with, something he liked - the incomparably delightful feeling of power he got after committing murder - into something… extremely odd. He’d felt - well, he always felt. The problem was that this time, he’d believed. And that had made him fucking intoxicated with the feelings. Made him act stupid.

For fuck’s sake. He was going to be chasing that high again for goddamn ages. Leave it to that fucking girl to upset his precarious balance yet again.

Sticking the towel over his head, he rubbed it vigorously, wishing the friction would make him stop thinking as well as help dry his hair.

He wished he was in his own bathroom, by the room he’d been staying in. He had some Valium in the medicine cabinet. That would help. He did not like feeling embarrassed.

He wrapped the towel around his waist and, sidestepping the blood-drenched clothing and streaks of red on the floor, grabbed only his shoes before opening the door to hurry toward his room. Bereft of the bathroom’s warm, humid kiss, he suppressed a violent shiver.

He’d feel better after eating something. Maybe getting a drink. He’d get dressed, have a smoke and whatever in his room. Then head for the kitchen.

Andre would probably be back from dealing with the horses now. Seeing Andre would be good. He had a grounding sort of presence. Maybe Andre would want to get drunk with him. That would be good.

Kadokura couldn’t decide if he hoped Kimi would be there, too.

Read what happens next

@unhingedselfships‘ kadokuraverse masterpost

[jupio]

tl;dr my uni house sucks absolute fucking ass and its been building but one things happened today and it has. tipped me over the edge. so its either write it out or scream

i just want. one fucking week in this house where noone does anything that makes me want to beat the shit out of them

we had a couple silverfish earlier this week so i put my houseplants on a window sill in the shared hall outside my room because of the damp. this was 4 days ago and i havent watered them since so they should be bone dry. 

last night i went to bed first but the other people who live here decided to stay up and get drunk

i got my plants back in today because there havent been anymore silverfish and went to water and prune them but when i leant in closer to the first one i noticed two things. 

1. the soil was soaked through and messy 2. it fucking stank of piss

so yknow i dont want to jump to conclusions but what other fucking conclusions are there here. someone in this god fucking awful house thought it would be funny to take one of my plants and piss in it for fucking what??? for the laughs???

theyve poured wine on my dishes, they broke my kitchen scales, theyve screamed and tried to break and kick in my door at 4 in the morning when high on ket, theyve made fun of me to my face, theyve made fun of my hobbies, they make snide comments where i can tell i’m being made fun of but i cant work out what i’ve said wrong, theyve slammed doors at every hour of the fucking night for weeks, they scream up and down the stairs at 3am, they call me boring, they call me stupid and autistic and unfunny and bitchy and nit-picky and overly sensitive and i am so fucking SICK of trying to live here

every day i am masking so hard that i’m even more irritable and i go to bed exhausted and full of anxiety because i know!! i know everytime i leave a room they all look at each other like oh thank god ollie’s gone we can finally be offensive and i’m not sleeping properly, and i’m always on edge in my own home. i cant relax here ever

and idk. someone else might take this less seriously and brush it off. but i cant and i’m tired of trying to explain to them that maybe its funny to prank each other but when you fuck with my stuff it’s not funny, it completely derails my expectations of things and especially with adhd my reactions to things can be out of proportion. so its not funny at all. im just so angry that im shaking and i want to beat the shit out of someone. so no, i dont take well to it, and im not gonna laugh and deal with it, im gonna cry, and react like a kid. and then noone is having any fun because everyone acts like its so awkward that im upset when really they could just be normal fucking decent people and leave me the hell alone.

and now i have to try and deal with this and i have no fucking clue how im even meant to approach it. “hi guys, just wondering who pissed in my beloved trailing ivy? it was £25 so would love some financial compensation and also for you to hold still so i can break your fucking nose!” 

i dont even know if i should just leave it because its just not worth it. i dont even care if im a pushover at this point i am so. tired. of trying to make them respect me as a person. thats what it feels like, it feels like they dont even see me as a person they just see me as a fucking circus freak.

the plants still in my room. i dont even know what to do with that. i dont want to touch it because just touching the pot made my hands smell. so just everytime i look up i get upset and scared and angry all over again because its right there. and im 90% sure i know who did it but if i confront him about it he’ll do that thing where people go cmon its just a joke why are you being so sensitive? jeez, lighten up its not a big deal and ill look stupid and sensitive and different like i always do

ive got 4 more months of living here and then i am fucking gone and i am never speaking to these people again. 

[pass1onepr1ncess]

Taking the chance to share a story of mine on this related note. I have pretty much always been incredibly skinny. Underweight, in fact. I was the thinnest kid in my family. I have a very distinct memory of my mother (Who I will be referring to as Melody for the rest of this post bc she doesn't deserve the title of mother to me) talking with my sister about her weight because she was afraid she was too skinny and Melody literally grabbed my sleeve, held up my arm, and said "Now this? This is skinny."

First of all, there is no fucking winning when it comes to other people commenting on your weight. I was made fun of for being skinny and told to eat more despite the fact that I had an even more voracious appetite than ANYONE I knew. I was also praised for being underweight and told that they "wish they had my body." And even though I ate and ate and ate and never seemed full (which should've been a very clear and obvious sign, by the way. At least a tipoff for SOMETHING) I never seemed to gain weight. In fact, I was still actively loosing weight and no one knew why. And despite the MULTIPLE times my doctors told both me and Melody over the years that I was SEVERELY underweight, she never thought just once maybe there was something wrong. I moved out and started to finally do some research and figure out wtf was wrong, and you'll never guess what it was.

I had pinworms. For at LEAST a MINIMUM of 10 whole fucking years, I was infested with pinworms. And you might think "But wouldn't you notice? Especially in the bathroom?" Ah but consider! I had had them for so long and from such a young age that I thought it was normal. Because no one took me to the doctor or stopped to think anything was wrong with me. And because no one taught me otherwise, I thought it was normal.

For 10 whole years (again, at MINIMUM) I had parasites stealing my food and nutrients. And not only did it prevent me from keeping or gaining any healthy weight, but it literally stunted my growth. I've had multiple people tell me that I have the proportions of someone who should be much taller than I am and that they're always shocked at how short I am in person. It's because I literally did not get enough nutrients to grow properly.

But ofc because I was skinny and "attractive" by eurocentric fatphobic beauty standards, no one thought to say "Hey! This actually seems really unhealthy that you're not gaining weight or growing despite how much you eat. Maybe something's wrong."

I don't have them now, of course. I got treated and for literally the first time in my entire life I'm gaining weight and I couldn't be happier!! Not only that but because of the extra weight, I've actually started to grow some features that should've come in a while ago bc apparently the lack of nutrients also paused/delayed my puberty.

I don't mean to get so personal on a blog mainly for silly anime shit and fandom ramblings, but it is ridiculously to me that I was infested with parasites for such a huge chunk of my life (half of it, in fact, at the time I'm writing this) and that no one thought something was wrong because the parasites made me skinny. It was also a product of Melody's various forms of neglect, but everyone else looked at me and just passed it off as a high metabolism despite that I was incredibly underweight, easily fatigued, severely anemic, and never felt full and satiated.

It pisses me off so bad that so many people complimented me for being skinny and underweight even when I told them I didn't like it and that I was trying so hard to gain weight. Or when people told me to eat more when it wasn't my fault. I was eating, it was just being stolen from me. I'm overjoyed that I'm gaining weight now because it means I'm parasite free.

[etherealsomething]

3/11/23

Psychoanalysis

I've come to the conclusion that I am not a cathartic person. I don't engage in catharsis as much as I want to. Sometimes I have this intensely deep desire for a cathartic moment–one instance where all of my raw emotions come out, all at once. But instead, I think I’ve learned how to let my emotions out in a way where they come out little by little in everything I do. Think of it like water. My emotions are like keeping a sink just dripping in the winter to keep your pipes from freezing (something we always did in my Iowa home whenever it got too cold out) whereas catharsis is a holy dam breaking and releasing a flood of biblical proportions. For some reason… that flood is so appealing. 

I think it's because I used to have catharsis all of the time when I was younger. I loved to cry. I loved moments of intense emotion. And now I don't feel like I have those moments. Somehow I grew out of them. I don't know. 

I feel like my life has changed. So much and so drastically. Especially since I graduated from high school. I’ve become so much happier. But I also don't ever feel that sad anymore. And I kinda miss being sad. I need to stop running away from it. I think therapy would be helpful for that maybe.

I think I've definitely got some things wrong in my head. Wires crossed or whatever.

Let's psychoanalyze. 

First, I think I have a deep fear of my body, call it dysphoria (?). I think so much of my thought surrounds my body. What I wear especially. But also in my daily actions and interactions. I think I feel like I have to make people believe the fact that I’m a woman and so I overcompensate. Like, just today I feared watching a youtube video that was ‘too boyish’ in my mind because I thought if anyone caught me watching it it would take away their perception of me as a woman. I fear that if I'm not ‘feminine enough’ to be a woman, people won't perceive me as one just because of the body I was born in. So now when I look in the mirror I’m grossed out by my trans body. My boy hands. My weird legs. Because I see them through that lens. It's internal transphobia that manifests in my anxiety about my perception. 

I've got body issues methinks…

Ugh. it's so complex. I don't know why I derive any sort of pleasure from hyperanalyzing myself. 

Let's keep going lol.

Next, I think what I was talking about at the start of this essay (memoir? manuscript? chapter?) is just depression. Like… I don't think it's normal that I don't experience emotions like a healthy person. I feel like catharsis on a regular basis is pretty normal. Healthy people cry pretty often. They have good days. They can cry at sad movies. They don't answer “just peachy” whenever someone asks how you are. I think I've just grown such an intense mask to hide all of my bad (bad…) emotions that I’ve accidentally masked all of my emotions. Dulled them all back to a solid zero. No positive. No negative. Just zero. 

It could also be the Wellbutrin. I don’t know if I'm supposed to tell people that I'm on antidepressants. My parents have always been so hush-hush about mental health. I didn’t know my mom was on Zoloft for the entirety of my life until I was twenty years old. And I didn’t know my brother had his own assortment of mental issues until years after he moved out. In my family, mental health was just something you couldn't really talk about. Which is odd because my mom loves to bring up mental health-related issues… 

God, it's all Freudian, isn't it?

I think my mom is probably why I'm depressed. 

That’s enough analyzing for tonight. I'm high and I just want to watch skins. 

[bitsofsciencelife]

I love the mindblowingscience blog for general science news, to know what's generally happening in the research fields, but please stop posting articles from FUTURITY. They clearly do not do proper journalism when it comes to science news and health. Actually, they're one of the big sources of misinformation on science news out there. They're too focused on sensational headlines instead of accuracy, just see the tampons contaminants study from a couple of months ago.

In this era of misinformation, we should not be too quick to react or share these types of news before we have more data and interpretations of experts on the subject. I would wait a little until other experts (toxicologists, epidemiologists, biomedical researchers, or ob-gyns) break down this study's claims and results before even considering this news at all. Maybe it's a nothing-news. Please don't feed the misinformation and chemophobia bandwagon!

I'm not an expert here, but I have some scientific experience, and a look at the study will tell you the data group is not the average cosmetics user but a study done in a highly contaminated area, NOT a controlled toxicology study meant to be applicable to cosmetics, yet the news article tries to twist it so with its title and contents. Other studies and data have determined parabens and phenols to be safe in cosmetics during pregnancy with normal use. (For parabens, for example, topical application of leads to less than 10% being potentially absorbed, and the concentration in cosmetic products is between 0.01-0.03% per 100 g of product. That's max 0.03 g daily exposure to parabens. That is sooo low compared to intake. And low considering the daily intake limit is 10mg/kg of body weight. I actually I don't know why the headline or study even mentions parabens when the contaminated site doesn't mention having them.)

From the study:

"Puerto Rico PROTECT cohort, an ongoing study that began in 2010 to investigate environmental contributors to the high risk of preterm birth in the heavily contaminated northern coast of Puerto Rico [...] which is a unique study population consisting of >2,000 Latinx pregnant individuals who reside in a region with a disproportionate burden of environmental toxicants. Puerto Rico is an island that contains a high proportion of 18 Superfund sites, with evidence of elevated exposure to Superfund chemicals among local residents, including phthalates and heavy metals."

https://doi.org/10.1289/EHP14008

To my knowledge, skincare ingredients to avoid during pregnancy are retinoids, hydroquinone and arbutin because of teratogenic risk, and even then, you have to consider oral vs topical risk and consult with your own medical provider. Any concerns about environmental, topical, or oral exposure to subtances should always be taken up with an ob-gyn, dermatologist, or your medical provider before making decisions. They can give the proper information and advice on your particular situation so you don't have to be unnecessarily scared of everything.

For risk in substances during pregnancy, you can also check the LactMed (the drugs and lactation database).

Pregnant and breasfeeding people have so many things to worry about already. It's kind of suss how the media tries to fearmonger and scare them about perfectly safe cosmetics. It borders on predatory.

The researchers found that chemicals called phenols and parabens may increase risk of hypertension and high blood pressure during pregnancy and pose a risk to the long-term health of mothers and their babies. These chemicals are commonly used as UV filters in body lotions, hand soaps, shampoos, and sunscreens, as well as to prevent the growth bacteria and mold in makeup and other cosmetics.

Continue Reading.

[4lorne2]

We got together in person and since that day the relationship was never the same.

I thought it went fine. I was tired and stressed from driving. I think that I talked too much and listened too little. I didn’t reveal any of the carefully guarded secrets about myself I had imagined doing. I didn’t ask the questions about her that I wish I had. But it was fine.

Since then, though, it’s as if whatever was driving the relationship mutually came to an end. It’s not like she was in any way lesser than what I had hoped she would be. I wonder if she thinks that I was somehow disappointed with her or didn’t like her. That’s how I imagine she felt about me.

Probably the whole process just made the friendship feel more significant than anything it actually was. Getting together felt “normal,” even “mundane.” Was that a let down for her? For me?

My pattern is to get too attached, to get swept up in my fantasies and longings, likely at the expense of any connection with others. I feel so frustrated with my propensity to fall in love so quickly. Maybe it makes others appreciate me to some degree. I’m so giving and appreciative right off the bat; it must make other people feel validated. It probably also comes off as a bit desperate. Even more than that though, I think it keeps me from actually connecting with anyone. The stakes become so artificially high that I can’t risk my feelings getting out into the open.

It just feels impossible. I feel everything in that early period too acutely. Small joys become large and minor absences and disconnects gnaw at me. Love is a heightened state, but the way I experience it is maddeningly isolating. The feelings are just such a burden. They’re so disproportionate to anything that would be reasonable to feel. They become a source of embarrassment and pain. And it just feels like as long as my social life is so scant, this will never change. My feelings will always be out of proportion to the actual relationships it’s possible for me to have. My desires will always overshadow the reality and make me at odds with it.

And so, after feeling too much, after being in pain and resenting my own predisposition to put myself in this state I pull back. I stop giving the little, guarded parts of myself and the excessive whole that comes with them. I retreat and I heal. I need it. I come back to myself. Only, now I’m alone again. Now there’s an even bigger gap than the one I’d been maintaining in our interactions in the past. It all comes to an abrupt end. I feel ok again, but I’m left wishing more fervently that this wasn’t the path I was forced to take.

Look. The truth is that she was never very giving towards me. I mirrored some aspects of her aloofness, but I do feel she never wanted to give that much to me. I wanted to much, but she also gave too little.

It wasn’t a good fit. Even if she’s exactly a person I’d like to try to love, there needs to be a shared commitment to building something common? How much further could I have gone? What could I have revealed? What could I have asked for?

I keep it all in reserve. Better to be nothing than, a brief detour in an otherwise full life, than to be an obstacle, to insist on my presence and make demands like a troll under a bridge who set foot on the piece of land that is me. Better to hurt myself than to hurt someone else. I can carry the pain and longing and sadness. I can be the one who allows others to walk all over me. Like the giving tree, I can give up my existence so that others might live in my place.

Why shouldn’t I live? I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to make life, which is already bad, worse. I’m not worthy of love. That’s the cliche, right. Only by letting myself be weak can others live lives free of my foolishness and imbecility.

Why am I unworthy? Because I don’t want to be worthy. I don’t want to try to live up to any standards. So I’m just nothing.

Of course, I do want to live up to standards. I just don’t want to try. I just don’t want to fail anymore. I just can’t do it. I just can’t keep torturing myself. I’m just waiting for my life to end. Whether that’s tomorrow or in 50 years.

Small things do give me joy. I do dream about making something I can be proud of. I can’t let go of the wish to be in love. But I’m just too ashamed of myself. And it’s because I’m ashamed of myself that I’m not worthy.

I’d like to stop being ashamed. To be able to boast loudly about being stupid, and ugly, and weak. It’s not too late but I won’t do it. There’s no one who’d be worth doing it for in my life. Especially not me.

[lovers-in-japan-reign-of-love]

Hi I love your account! I was wondering if you could write a avengers cast x teen reader fic. Where the reader has anxiety and gets really overwhelmed. Sebastian Stan and Chris Evans find her having a panic attack and calm her down. Then the whole cast have a movie night to cheer her up. If you don’t have the time that’s completely fine :)

Notes: I’d like to thank (anonymous) for the request and I hope you like it!

I don’t own any of the gifs/pictures used.

Warnings: Anxiety, panic attacks, spelling/grammatical errors, whatever else I missed

Word Count: 797 (give or take)

Masterlist: Click Here & Here

You’ve been dealing with anxiety for quite some time now. You’ve had it since middle school, and it’s seemingly gotten worse over time. By the time you reached high school, even the smallest of inconveniences overwhelmed you and left you in a panicky mess.

So guess what happened when you managed to become an actress? Your anxiety levels skyrocketed! Memorizing lines over and over again in fear of what others would say or think if you got them wrong. Having varying levels of panic attacks when your brain and emotions blew things out of proportion—which was often. Being anxious and generally uncomfortable near your co-stars, worrying about how they saw you as a professional and as an individual.

The way you saw it, being a fairly unknown actress had its perks: very few people recognized you, and those who did wanted to know about your more famous co-stars. That still made your anxiety rise, having to talk to fans. At the same time, maybe this unknown status of yours was a good thing.

So it’s not like you’d be cast in a Marvel movie and have a boost in responsibilities, right?

Right?

Well, that’s exactly what happened. The guys at Marvel saw an audition tape of yours and decided you were a perfect fit for one of their characters. You had a panic attack when they called. You nearly passed out from lack of oxygen after accepting the role. You cried for over an hour after regaining your breath. You should’ve been happy, but you were petrified. What if you did a bad job? Would Marvel fire you? What if your co-stars saw you as mediocre? What if they didn’t think you could handle it? Why couldn’t your brain just give you a break?! Why can’t you just be normal?? Enter constant internal screaming.

The panic just worsened the longer you stayed with Marvel. Your co-stars liked you, despite your brain telling you otherwise. The fans took a general liking to you, even though the compliments and praises they gave you made your stomach twist nauseatingly. Cons, which were seen as fun for most of the cast, was the bane of your existence and interviews made you wish the earth could swallow you whole.

Even now, three movies into your contract, the thought of doing an interview to promote the newest Marvel movie filled you with dread. Your heart was beating painfully against your ribs. You couldn’t stabilize your breathing, your stomach was twisting and knotting and you wanted to throw up. Promotions always made you anxious, more so than anything else you’ve done so far. You had to have every response perfect, even the littlest mess up would send you spiraling downward.

Pressing a hand to your chest, you tried to calm yourself down. You thought by feeling your hand on your chest, you’d be able to balance yourself. It didn’t work. Your heart seemed to speed up and it became harder to breathe. You were certain you started sweating and your throat felt like it was closing. Everything around you became distant as all your attention went into how your body was reacting.

For just a moment, you thought you saw movement out of the corner of your eye. Were you imagining it? You couldn’t tell. Your brain was already scrambling from the emotions you were feeling, so it wouldn’t be much of a surprise if you were seeing things too. But when you saw more movement, and it was coming toward you, you let out a choked noise as you tried to scramble away from it. It wasn’t until you focused that you realized the movement transformed into two familiar silhouettes, and then the features of your co-stars Sebastian and Chris E.

They looked worried. Their mouths were moving but you couldn’t understand what they were saying. Chris knelt a little to be at your eye level, holding a hand out. He paused, looking at you as if asking permission to touch you. All you did was let out a strangled sob.

Sebastian came forward, kneeling as well as he gently wiped the tears from your face. His hand went to one of yours, holding it gently, his thumb running circles on your knuckles. Chris placed a hand on your forearm, gently running his hand up and down your arm.

Both men were trying to comfort you, you knew that. At that moment, you wanted to disappear. You wanted to be anywhere else.

Still, as you started to relax, the more you appreciated the gestures they made. How they knew to find you in that moment was beyond you. You’d be grateful to them, to their kindness and understanding. In the end, they didn’t have to say anything. They just had to be there.

[thehopelessromanticclub]

Heart Me? 02

Pt.1

Heart Me? Series Masterlist

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Angst if you squint, college au, non-idol au, f2l

Word count: 0.9k

Summary: Your life is pretty boring. Good at studies, a tiny, no wait, a big tiny crush on the campus sweetheart, but that’s normal right? Wait, till your ‘boring life’ get off the track!

Warning: None

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, your degree of friendship growing with each passing day to what the world termed as ‘best friends forever’. But so did your feelings for him. Only if you could replace the best friend part with life partners.

You started regretting the day you met him and decided to be friends. For what you thought would be easy, was miles away from easy. Every day knowing that the man you loved could never be yours was hard. Everyday knowing that he had girls far more perfect than you was hard. Everyday knowing that you will always be friend-zoned by him was hard. People say it’s hard to forget someone you love but believe me, it’s even harder to see him with someone else that isn’t you.

“Oh, come on y/n, you’ve got to come with me tonight!” he said still not quitting on convincing you.

“Jimin, this is the hundredth time I’m saying N.O.” you said still not wanting to go to the semester end party thrown by some crazy rich kid.

“So, what, I won’t mind convincing you for the one hundred and oneth time. please y/n” He answered wiggling his eyebrows.

“But why me, you have hundreds of other girls who would be dying to come with you. Go and take them. And you know party is really not my thing.”

“First of all, I don’t want those clingy girls with me and second of all, I want to take you with me because it’s you.” This kid is really stubborn.

“You aren’t gonna budge, are you?”

“Nope. And just think about it, it will be fun.” He clarified with a smile of victory lingering on his face.

“Ok, but no drinking or you would be dead Park Jimin.” You said pointing a gun at him with your hands.

“Yes, your highness.” He said bowing, before breaking into fits of laughter.

“Pick you up at 7” he said before making his way towards his class.

I should better prepare myself for the glares that the girls would be sending me to be at the party with THE Park Jimin. You thought sighing to yourself.

At 6:30

Oh did I ever mention that I suck at doing makeup. After wasting GBs of my data watching makeup tutorials on YouTube nothing was coming to use.

“F**k.” this was the umpteenth time I was swearing after not getting my winged eyeliner perfect. “why can’t I do makeup properly. Do I even have the right to exist?!” you said to yourself while wiping your non-existent tears.

At 7:10

Y/N’s POV

There he was standing by his car looking gorgeous as ever. If perfection could be a person, that would be him. Looking handsome as he ever could in his black suit perfectly ironed complementing his godly body proportions. If I could file a case against him for making my heart race, he would’ve been in jail ages ago.

Jimin’s POV

I’ve been standing here in front of her house for the past 15 minutes, yet I’ve been getting the same text all the time, ‘just a minute. Almost ready’. Girls will be girls.

I wonder what she is even doing, all she does is gather her hair in a ponytail, pull on some clothes her eyes fall upon and put those nerdy glasses on, that’s it. But I’m not complaining, she looks cute though. And it is no other exception.

My train of thoughts were interrupted when I saw a girl walking in my direction. Her wine-red dress perfectly hugging her figure, hair perfectly styled, swaying with the wind.

 Wait, Y/N? no way it’s her. Or maybe it is. Was she always this beautiful or was it just me who failed to notice? Were her eyes always this mesmerizing? It held millions of galaxies in them, and I won’t mind getting lost in them. Guess she was always beautiful but just needed a little makeover.

Her curly hair now left open to dance in the wind. Her ‘not-so brown-eyes that she always hid behind her glasses were staring right through my soul. Her chubby cheeks which I always loved to pinch to which she would always complain about, now perfectly contoured. Her lips painted with blood red lipstick looked kissable as ever. Wait what? Man! am I getting drunk without alcohol even entering my system?

“Jimin? Are you there? “she said waving her hands in front of me.

“Oh ye-yes I’m here.” I said straightening my posture. Way to go Park Jimin.

“I’ve been standing here for what felt like forever. Have some mercy on this fellow, gurl! Don’t tell me you were busy mastering makeup!” he said gesturing you to enter the car while he did too. “huh? how did you know? Wait, can you tell? Do I not look good?” you questioned, your insecurities that vanished few minutes ago coming back at you again.

“No stupid, you look just fine!” he said starting the engine.

“Woah, did THE Park Jimin just compliment me? Compliment sounds weird coming from your mouth.”

“Why would it sound weird, it’s not like I don’t compliment you. And it was not a compliment, I said fine.” He said, a small pout making it’s way to his lips. “oh hello? You just open your mouth to diss me.” You said waving your hand in front of him.

“No, I don’t.” he said getting defensive.

“Yes, u do.”

“No no no.” one thing you loved and hated about your friendship, you both still fight like toddlers, but in the end no matter whose mistake, it would be him in the end always apologizing. (cuz this girl got a ego. 😉)

“Anyway, thank you mademoiselle.” You said sounding dramatic. “haha, what did you say? It’s not mademoiselle, its monsieur, pabo.” He said laughing hysterically, his eyes almost disappearing into thin air. “Whatever.” You rolled your eyes.

[enhyupn]

start of it!

pairing: jungwon x fem!read (ft a little sunghoon)

disclaimer: there might be a few mistakes here and there since it’s not fully proof read. swear words are mentioned too!

word count: 7.1k+

genre: fluff, angst if you squint, best friends to lovers!au, rich kids!au, slow burn kinda?

a/n this took a while to write but i like how it came out :) i think i got a little carried away but it’s fine i suppose!! i hope you enjoy this longer than necessary fic :]

jungwon and you were always together, then and now. maybe being the children of two most influential families korea helped that, the constant underlying jealousy between the two families made for some interesting dinners. you two were the stereotypical rich kids, top of the class, class president and extremely involved in school. your image was the type other chaebol families would use to compare their children to. maybe that’s why every time you stand at the top of your class to make announcements, all you get are sneers from your classmates as they not so subtly laugh at you. it was inventible nonetheless, if you were in their situation you’d do exactly the same. it didn’t help that you were strict and blunt with your classmates, staying true to the cold and distant chaebol child stereotype.

jungwon the next class over however, was incredibly popular with the people in his class and even yours. you didn’t know how he did it, balancing his studies, taekwondo and still maintaining a good relationship with his class? you looked up to him immensely, even with your parents constantly reminding you that jungwon wasn’t your friend but a pawn from his family to get information on the company. obviously you never believed them, how could jungwon get information from you when all you talk about normal things. normal things like tv shows, books and his taekowndo matches. you wouldn’t know what to do with jungwon, he was your other half and you’d never be able to function properly without him.

dinner was never comfortable at your house, the silence only being broken up by the clattering of utensils and chewing didn’t even help the gloomy and dark aura your father always seemed to radiate. you were the only child and the heir in training to take over the family company. everyone around you had high expectations for you, being number one in everything you ever did allowed people to believe that you were going to skyrocket your family’s company to the number one spot.

“y/n, how was school” your mother always tried so hard to make conversation with you and your father every day. as much as you wished to be close to her, you couldn’t help but feel forced and awkward whenever you replied to her.

“it was good, we got our ranks today” you slowly chewed on the piece of duck you were served, not having the heart or energy to tell anyone that you never really liked the taste of it.

“i’m assuming it’s first place” your father butts in, the serious look in his face never fails to make you flinch in your seat.

“yes father, first place in my class and in school” you couldn’t help but gulp at the mood of the dinner table.

it was always like this after exam season, tension so tight that it was suffocating to be around. even the maids and butlers around the place hated being around your family every time results were announced, the thought of what would happened if you ever got anything lower than first place was terrifying.

“wonderful” a nod from your father was enough for your maids to stop holding in their breaths.

not even a good job? you had grown to learn that your father wasn’t someone that praised others easily. sadly, you had to learn it the hard way. countless memories from your past of you desperately wanting your father’s attention and praise flashed through your eyes. even so, it still hurt every time he wouldn’t acknowledge your achievements.

the ice rink was your special place, second to jungwon undoubtedly. still, you loved being there. it made you feel so free and happy, like all your worries had disappeared whenever you skated. you weren’t the only one that loved the rink, jungwon adored the moments when you would show off a new move you had finally nailed. the look of you being so carefree made him feel overjoyed, knowing he was the only one that could see you like this.

“jungwon did you see that?” a radiant smile appearing on your face after you landed an axel. the sound of your slightly hitting the rink’s barrier slightly scared you before looking up again at the boy.

“yes, and i’ve also seen the other five times you’ve done it” the pout formed on your face from his teasing only brought a larger smile on his face. jungwon’s face suddenly twisted into a confused look as he suddenly remembered a conversation you two had the previous week. “weren’t you struggling on that last week? i remember you telling me that”.

“oh i was!” the pink tinge from your cheeks due to the cold temperature in the air added to your cheerful chatter. “but sunghoon helped me with it”.

“sunghoon?” the name sending an unsettling feeling throughout jungwon’s body. the boy shook it off when he had made eye contact with you once again, your eyes wide with spirit. it was a shame that your classmates couldn’t see this side of you, the cold and scary y/n unironically melting when on the ice.

“sunghoon’s a really talented figure skater in my class!” the admiration in your voice and eyes churned things in jungwon’s stomach. “his triple axel is the most beautiful thing jungwon, you should really see him in action. he gave me some tips and they really worked!”.

“that’s great” jungwon couldn’t understand why he couldn’t feel as elated as you were. shouldn’t he be happy? his best friend perfectly landed something they were working on for a while and he couldn’t even be sincere with his praise? no, it was that boy sunghoon. that’s what was getting him annoyed and bothered, was it jealousy?

“look there he is!” you showed jungwon. the boy had proportions that were perfect, he towered over you and had undeniably incredible looks. jungwon watched as sunghoon’s eyes shined in delight when noticing you. the boy skated over quickly to you in excitement, anyone could tell that he was over the moon to see you.

the jealous feeling jungwon had in him only grew more watching you two. when sunghoon’s skates accidentally took him at a too fast of a pace, you lightly bumped into you. the countless apologies he spit out while you laughed loud and glowing at his ridiculous accident only made jungwon chew his cheek in spite. the unnecessary skin ship you two made didn’t help too, you were holding onto sunghoon’s shoulders in an attempt to stop him from falling again. that’s when jungwon had enough.

“y/n” he called out, catching the attention of the both of you. you turned around holding the same smile you gave sunghoon.

“jungwon?”

“i’ll get going now, dad wants me back home” a pretend smile placed nicely on his lips for you to not suspect something was wrong with him.

“sure!” the corner of your eyes crinkled, you lifted up your hand to wave him off. he was incredibly thankful that you weren’t observant enough to catch his cheerful facade. “tell him my father wants to have dinner with him again too!”.

“i promise”

standing from his seat he lifted his hand to wave you off. the disappointment in his eyes becoming more visible when he realised that you had already turned around. the dejected frown on his face showing up when he caught a glimpse of the boy beside you, laughing and chatting with you with a wide grin. you too having the exact same grin.

you were always the same at school, a blank face while in class and during after school activities. your parents always told you that school was never the time to make friends or have fun, it was for preparing yourself in the future. they drilled into you that everything you did in school would only add to you in the future. if you were to ever fail or do anything that was the opposite of what you were meant to be doing, you would inevitably ruin your future. the unimaginable amount of pressure your parents had given you slowly turned you from crying silently at night in your room to dealing with it with a blank stare on your face.

the only thing that made everything the slightest bit bearable was jungwon, you met him during breaks and lunch and even walked with him to your after school programmes. the feeling of being isolated by your class could only be ignored when you were with him.

“i don’t get how you do it” you stared at him in admiration. jungwon was practicing his taekwondo as you watched him, it was a routine you had every morning before school started. the boy chuckled as he continues doing his warm up.

“says you, you’re number one in our school plus you skate pretty too. everyone would love to be you”.

“no! that’s different” a growing blush tinted your cheeks, the small compliment makes you shy due to the fact jungwon never compliments you. “i don’t get how you balance taekwondo, your social life and still get good grades? plus have a good relationship with your family”.

“oh” jungwon’s smile faltered at the mention your parents. he always has felt guilty knowing the fact he can’t do anything to help you besides distract you from your parent’s extreme expectations. “i don’t know, maybe i’m just lucky” he tries a joke to keep the mood up.

“so it’s luck?” your laugh giving enough confirmation to jungwon that you weren’t affected by his comment.

your phone ringing distracts you from the conversation you and jungwon were having, even scaring you a little in the process. the bright expression coming from your face made jungwon notice that it definitely wasn’t a call from any of your family members. letting himself breathe again with the positive mood in the air, he decides that he needs to stretch before testing out any moves.

“sunghoon!” suddenly maybe the mood wasn’t so positive for jungwon. you turned to jungwon mouthing it’s sunghoon! happily as he tried to share the same excitement you had. “no i’m not busy”, you looked over at jungwon sending him an apologetic look as you stood up from your seat. “i’ll just be outside jungwon!” you covered the microphone as you told him before quickly walking outside.

what was that about? jealousy was creeping up behind him even if he didn’t notice. he never wanted to feel possessive when it came to you. truthfully, he was waiting for this day. the day that someone saw past your shy personality disguised with a cold and blunt front and saw you. he couldn’t stop the lingering feeling in his stomach, he hated it. but who was he to think about your relationships with other people?

that’s when he remembered the smile on your face when you mentioned him, the glee in your voice and expression when you were around him. you two were even close enough to call each other out of nowhere? maybe that’s when it clicked in jungwon’s head, did you like sunghoon? you were entitled to like anyone you wanted to, it shouldn’t be jungwon’s problem if that person just so happened to be sunghoon.

but why did the thought bother jungwon so much?

from the way you were dressed people would think that you were attending some special dinner with the president. however, your prettily styled hair and your best outfit and shoes seemed to only be reserved for the yang family. there always seemed to be an unwritten rule between the two families that you had to go all out when visiting each other, however you and jungwon just suspected if it was just a way to show off all the newest jewellery and clothes subtly.

there you two were, standing by the side of your parents in the hallways of your house. the size of it was unimaginable, maybe even being the length of an average apartment in a middle class area. the hallways was adorned with expensive paintings and sculptures being used to write off taxes, a large rug that might of costed more than your high school tuition placed right in the middle of it all. it was visible proof that your family was disgustingly rich, just how your parents wanted it to look.

there wasn’t an answer to why the two families stood in the hallways to speak when you had an equally, if not larger living room a door away, the room also being adorned with expensive paintings with a large tv nobody in the house used. jungwon and you always had trouble staying serious while your parents spoke to one another. you two would usually mouth things to each other, not even understanding what was being said. the small grins you two held were enough that if one of you let out a laugh, the two of you would be on the ground laughing your heads off.

“the food’s ready” your cook interrupted your father’s reply to jungwon’s parents. your father sent him a small grin and a nod as he signalled everyone with a extended arm to the dining room.

the dining room gave a view to the kitchen, it was like a performance for everyone in the kitchen whenever you had guests over. your favourite activity to not bore yourself besides talking to jungwon, was watching your cook plate everything while your parents conversed about business or what type of wine they were having that night.

“steak again” jungwon joked quietly at your side. you two always sat beside each other, while the parents talked the whole night you two would try and not cause a huge mess. it usually ended up a mess, remembering the time you two dropped roast potatoes all over the ground in an attempt to entertain to each other. now when you two are finished eating you are excused to go back to your room where you two can actually talk.

“be thankful it isn’t salmon” you giggled quietly. the memory of jungwon’s parents scolding him at the dinner table for not eating his salmon reappears back into your heads, the thought of it making you laugh a little louder than you were. “sorry” you politely said, noticing the silent glare your father had sent you for making a ruckus at the dinner table.

“i would of answered properly if you weren’t laughing silently about it in the corner of my eye” the main reason why the memory was so funny for the two of you was the fact that the reason he was scolded was due to the fact he couldn’t even attempt to pick up the piece of fish without you two laughing. you two were incredibly easy to make laugh as there is nothing more entertaining than your best friend doing absolutely nothing.

in the corner of your eye you noticed your father staring at you and jungwon, while at the same time participating in the conversation the adults were having. it was unsettling, knowing that in the next five or so minutes he’d ask you a question regarding anything to seem like his family is better than anything the yangs do.

“y/n” an automatic faux smile was placed on your lips when you heard his voice. placing down your cutlery before turning to him you captured the sickly sweet smile on your parents smiles, a sign they were trying to milk your achievements out one by one.

“yes father” the pitch in your voice going a little higher than what jungwon usually hears, but was used to it due to the many times he’s heard you talk to your parents.

“we were just talking about the fact that you’re starting out figure skating!” the tone in your fathers sudden cheery voice was so obviously fake to you, he never liked the fact you took precious time off to practice figure skating rather than studying to get into a seoul university.

“i am” you turned to the yang parents with the innocent well put child facade. “i started six months ago, my trainer told me that i was improving at a great speed!”.

“how beautiful” jungwon’s mom commented, “i’m sure jungwon’s watched you skate before, right sweetheart?”.

“they’re very graceful on the ice mom” the flattery turned your cheeks a soft rose colour. you turned to him to give a thankful smile, not noticing the growing red on the boy’s ears.

you turned around to glance back once again at your father, the look of his smug grin made you want to get up and leave. you hated feeling like just a trophy to show off to others, you longed for the feeling of being praised for the person you were.

“i’m sure jungwon’s doing excellent in school” your mother continued, looks like they’re about to hit them where it hurts.

“not as well as your daughter i’m afraid” a bitter smile was obviously placed on his father’s face, teeth gritting as he let it out. “jungwon’s told us quite a lot about y/n’s rank in school, number one right? a terrific achievement”.

“yes, it’s a shame that jungwon can’t seem to reach the same” jungwon’s mother continued. your father took a sip from his glass of wine. what was it and using your children as weapons to bring down one another? in the corner of your eye you could tell jungwon didn’t feel comfortable with any of this at all, he stiffened his body as you chewed slowly on his steak.

“he’ll get there some day” your mother was simply just adding fuel to the fire, it made you feel terrible for your best friend. you looked over to see the boy’s blank stare, the small frown on his face made it seem that it was almost begging you to go comfort him.

“can jungwon and i be excused?” you knew that you two needed to get out of there immediately, you weren’t going to let your parents excuse any of this. “i feel a bit queasy from the steak, jungwon can keep me company”.

“do what you wish dear” your father let out quite bitterly. you bowed in response before standing up, placing your hand on jungwon’s hand. you shook it a little as a way to signal him that you two were about to leave.

the oh he let out was all you needed to know that jungwon was going to follow you up to your room. you watched as he bowed for everyone in the room, before silently following you as you gripped onto his hand. the mood you two were letting out was unreadable, was he thankful for you? or was he completely and utterly embarrassed at the fact you did that.

“thank you” he whispered behind you, the warmth in his hand was all you needed to feel the comfort you were longing for at the dinner table.

“don’t sweat it jungwon” a smile forming on your face as you turned towards him. “it was suffocating being in there anyways”. he laughed to himself, understanding what you were saying as you dragged him forwards once you reached your room.

your room was unnecessary big, like every other room in your house. your bed was double the size you actually needed and you had a chandelier hanging from the ceiling. your ceiling also had hand painted flowers decorating it, simply adding to the beautiful chandelier. there wasn’t any expensive paintings or rugs in your room however, just a large vanity as well as a desk and a huge bookshelf with every book imaginable. you also had framed pictures of you and jungwon as children dotted around your room.

“look” jungwon picked up a picture of you two when you were in first grade. you were crying while jungwon was right beside you laughing, beneath you two was a broken sandcastle who you could distinctly tell who it belonged to. “i was so evil as a kid”.

“tell me about it” you looked at the picture in admiration. “i swore to myself that day i would hate you for a million million trillion hundred years” a chuckle left your mouth at the loving memory. memories with jungwon always left you happy, even the ones that weren’t as nice to experience firsthand.

“and this one” he picked up another picture. this time it was you and him maybe around three years ago at your family’s lake house. “you ignored me for the rest of the trip after i did this”. the two of you were on the balcony as he lifted you from the legs up, the scared look in your eyes made it obvious that the whole thing was a surprise. you were fond of that memory, you realised something that day about jungwon you never realised before. the thought of dating your best friend popped up in your head for the first time when that picture was taken. the thought horrified you so much that you ignored him for days on end after, making up the excuse that you were mad at him for scaring you that.

“look at my face oh god” the pink tint coming back to your cheeks remembering the story behind that picture. “that day i started—”. you shut yourself up quicker than expected.

“started what?” jungwon looked at you confused. you start curse yourself in your head for your mistake.

never in your many years of friendship could of prepared you for this. the you three years ago was exactly the same, except the fact that three years ago you found out you had feelings for jungwon and now you were about to accidentally spill the beans about those exact same feelings.

“it’s nothing” you shook your head dismissively . trying to distract yourself, you looked at the corner of your eye and noticed a picture of you two at your middle school graduation. your features softened at the happy grins on your faces, both holding a pretty bouquet of flowers the two of you gave each other. “i love this day so much, look we’re so happy”.

“our graduation?” jungwon moved closer to you to get a good look of the photo. “we look so cute”.

turning around to jungwon with a grin of being reminded of the special, you stopped abruptly. noticing how close he was you stepped back quickly, in a quite panicked manner. his eyes widened noticing your frantic moves, unsure why his stomach was churning at your panicked face.

“sorry” you play with the hem of your sleeve, embarrassed at the fact you were so close to him. you feel you face heating up and you weren’t so sure if you were blushing at the fact his face was almost touching yours or embarrassed by the way you staggered away from him. “you were really close to me”.

“sorry did it make you uncomfortable?” jungwon asked you with a concern expression on his face. you couldn’t tell him the reason you were so panicked was because your crush was so close to you. “i’ll be more careful next time”.

“no! you’re fine” a reassuring smile spread across your face in an attempt to calm him down.

the awkwardness following that incident was undeniable. you sat on your bed unsure what to say to make conversation with him, the problem was that you two usually had a lot to say. the situation right now was not how the two of you usually acted, the voices in your head silently yelling at you for being dramatic at the fact jungwon was so close to you.

jungwon on the other hand couldn’t stop replaying the image of you being so close to him. an unfamiliar feeling kept reappearing in his stomach, he’s never looked at you in this way ever. maybe the feeling sunghoon gave him was similar but at the same, it was far different.

“i don’t think— be careful” in rich kids fashion, jungwon was playing tennis with his equally as rich friend ni-ki, a transfer student in his class studying in korea until he graduates from a seoul university. a big emphasis on seoul due to the fact every rich child in korea have parents almost begging them to get into a seoul university or an ivy league.

the ball accidentally almost hitting jungwon rolls behind the boy, he could feel the exhaustion finally catching up on him from the non-stop moving he had done. he holds a hand up with a drained expression signalling his friend that he was done for maybe another thirty minutes or so.

“as i was saying...” ni-ki walked towards the tired boy holding out a water bottle. he quickly grabbed the drink from him before taking a large gulp, wiping off the excess water from the sides of his mouth. “hey! don’t drink all of that”.

“sorry” an exasperated gasp escaped jungwon’s mouth as he tried to catch up with his breathing. “carry on”.

“i don’t think you have the right to be jealous on who y/n likes” ni-ki takes a sip from the water bottle he took back. “isn’t kinda weird too? that you’re jealous about all of this”.

“i’m not jealous” he corrected him. “i don’t know, that sunghoon guy gives me a bad feeling”.

“that’s definitely jealousy” ni-ki let out a laugh looking at him. jungwon sent him a scowl before taking back the bottle from him. “anyways i thought you always had a thing for them” he starts to say as jungwon takes yet another sip, the boy looks at him in a confused way before pulling the bottle away from his lips.

“what are you trying to say ni-ki?”

“what i’m saying is that you can never go a day without mentioning y/n” he raised his eyebrow to try and convince him further. “plus you look at them with hearts in your eyes, and the fact you’re so bummed out about this sunghoon thing just confirms my suspicions”.

“i’m not following” jungwon looks back at ni-ki with a blank stare. the younger rolls his eyes before lightly hitting him on the shoulder. “no, seriously”. the boy sent him a glare before sighing.

“are you genuinely this oblivious or you just don’t want to tell me you like y/n?”.

“what do you mean like?” the word like seemed so unfamiliar to him at that moment. of course he liked you, you were his best friend. although from how ni-ki was speaking, he understood that he wasn’t talking about the best friend sort of like.

“you romantically like them” ni-ki said it casually, “here, i’ll ask you a question and you, silently, in your mind answer it. i want you to do it silently so you can have a realisation of some sort”.

“what do we need questions for—” he was quickly shut off by ni-ki’s shhhh as he continued his conversation. rolling his eyes at his friends antics, he quickly shuts up before listening to what he was trying to say.

“do you think about y/n when they aren’t around?”

yes? isn’t this normal though

“do you miss them when you aren’t with them?”

yes? again, isn’t this a normal thing?

“do you get happy when they achieve things? like you want to hug them or like... that thing people do why they lift someone up and spin them around”

yes?

“do you get jealous when other people get more attention than you?”

yes...?

“when you see them do you get butterflies?”

sometimes, i do definitely get nervous though

“i feel like all of those should more or less answer your question on if you like y/n or not” ni-ki finished off his short quiz. jungwon gave him a puzzled look, he thought everything he had mentioned was a normal thing that every feels with their best friend.

“aren’t these just normal things?”

“i mean they’re just the basics jungwon” he started out saying, “everyone’s different when they have a crush”.

“so that could mean i have a crush on you?” the joking smile placed on jungwon’s lips only made ni-ki roll his eyes at the corny joke.

“i’m flattered honestly but i’m sadly not y/n”

the sunset was a pretty shade of pink and orange, it made you feel light and at a sense of peace watching it. the thought of taking a picture suddenly appeared in your head, quickly reaching for your phone in a frantic action before the sky changes in colour. you felt embarrassed at the fact you were standing at the end of the sidewalk patting the sides of your coat in an attempt to find your phone, a confused expression spread across your face.

“aha!” you felt a familiar shape in the back pocket of your jeans. lifting up the object, you felt it slipping slightly. your eyes widened noticing a small thud behind you on the ground. turning around to reach your phone in hopes it wasn’t broken in any way, you noticed a familiar figure hovering above you holding out your phone in his hands.

“you dropped this” a playful tone rolled off sunghoon’s tongue. you happily take it off his hands before looking back up at him.

“sunghoon!” you beamed gleefully at him, “i thought you went home already?”.

“no” he rubbed the back of his neck, “i missed my bus so i had to wait here for a while. turns out there was an accident twenty minutes away so everything’s delayed”.

“oh no” you frowned at his words. your brain scanned through all the possibilities you could do to help the boy, your eyes lit up having the realisation on the perfect solution. “do you wanna walk with me? where do you live? i can just tell my friend that he doesn’t need to pick me up”.

“no no it’s fine y/n” sunghoon waves his hands dismissively. “you don’t have to do that, plus i bet you’d rather walk with your friend”.

“don’t be silly” you chuckle as you unlocked your phone, pressing jungwon’s contact you typed in many apologies telling him that you can’t walk with him since you’re walking with sunghoon. “i already told him”. your phone lights up again, a notification showing a reply from jungwon saying a simple okay.

“he doesn’t seem very happy” sunghoon stares at the notification. he looks back at you with seriousness in his eyes, “isn’t this the jungwon you and i were talking about?”.

“well yeah” you avoided eye contact with him, embarrassed that you were probably about to get scolded. not only does sunghoon help you with training but he also helps you in your love life. you two have probably talked more about jungwon than actual figure skating, sunghoon always sighing at you for once again not being able to tell him your feelings. “he’s been like that ever since last week, i thought this was normal. don’t boys also have puberty mood swings?”.

“what happened last week?” you two started to walk towards your destinations. sunghoon luckily lived quite near your house, well if you count just twenty minutes away from the gate of your gated community. you two have walked home together before, the action usually having a romantic undertone but you two never felt that way. you always have seen sunghoon as a friend, understanding that he’s never really given you the same feeling jungwon does. it goes the same for him, he sees you more as a younger sibling than anything.

“well, he started acting a little weird when you called me that morning”

“the morning i asked you how you and jungwon were doing?” sunghoon raises an eyebrow.

“yeah” you nod, confirming his guess. you let out a sigh before moving on to your next point, “and you know when i told you about that thing that happened when his face was really close to mine?”.

“the one where it was really awkward?”

“you didn’t need to mention it was awkward” you shiver in embarrassment remembering that night. “and yeah, after that he wasn’t really the same. plus do you know the weirdest part?”.

“what happened” sunghoon chuckled at your embarrassed pout silently to himself. you turned to him with your eyes wide and hands in the air about to animate your following words.

“his friend messaged me, his friend! the transfer student nishimura riki” your nose scrunched in confusion and frustration. your arms too also expressing your frustration. “his message was so weird too!”.

“what did it say?”

“i know who likes you” your frustrated expression was even more prominent. “it was so childish! i even replied with a question mark and he just sent me a sticker of a cartoon animal giggling!”.

“maybe he does know who likes you” sunghoon raises an eyebrow.

“he wouldn’t, nobody likes me” you frown at your own words. “he’s probably just messing with me like everyone else at school”. sunghoon stops in his tracks when he realised your miserable mood.

“hey—” sunghoon bent down a little to get a look at your face. “what’s wrong?”.

“it’s— it’s silly” you wipe your tears away. you weren’t expecting yourself to cry on an evening like this, especially not on the day you were walking home with sunghoon on.

“no y/n it’s okay” sunghoon looked around the area to see if there was anywhere to sit down at. noticing a bench near the two of you, he held onto your wrist bringing you to sit on it. “you can tell me anything y/n, i hope you know this”.

“i know” you sniffled, sadly smiling at the situation at that moment. “it’s just that i’m so tired of everything. jungwon acting weird with me was just the tip of the iceberg. i can’t help but think if i did anything to make him act like this”. sunghoon listened in silence, nodding at your words as he watched you in pity while tears streamed down your face.

“the fact that my classmates still ostracise me even though i try so hard to get to know them hurts so much. even though my parents tell me school isn’t for making friends, i desperately want to. i mean jungwon was there to help but like what i said before, he’s being really distant” the pace of your tears slowing down. “plus what his friend said didn’t help, it just felt like i was just the pit of a joke i wasn’t even aware of”.

“y/n i don’t know if i should say this but i think jungwon really—”

“y/n?” a familiar voice cut off sunghoon’s words. “are you okay? why are you crying?” you look behind sunghoon and realised it was jungwon saying all those things. you watched as his concerned expression warped into a furious one, his focus on sunghoon’s hand still on your wrist. you felt your eyes widen as you quickly shook off his grasp, standing up from the bench as you wipe the excess tears on your face.

“what did he do to you?” his words directed at you but his glaring eyes didn’t leave sunghoon. the realisation that jungwon misunderstood the whole situation dawned over you. taking a step forward you tried to open your mouth in an attempt to calm him down, only to be stopped by sunghoon who had his arm extended out, blocking your path to jungwon.

“i didn’t do anything” sunghoon explained calmly. he turned to you before looking back at the enraged boy. “i understand why would think that but honestly, it’s you two who need to have a talk, a long talk” he chuckles silently to himself before standing up.

“i wasn’t done talking to you—”

sunghoon gave him a smile before patting his shoulder, “just listen to what they have to say”. you watched as he waved you two off as made his way home. you stared at sunghoon’s walking figure in shock, not sure if you were entirely thankful he left you with an angry jungwon.

“did he do something to you y/n?” he made his way to you in a panic, his eyes scanning you to see if there was anything wrong with you. “i swear to god, i knew there was something wrong with him” he tried to look at your face, your head facing the ground blocking his view. “hey, look at me” his voice softening as he tried once again to get your attention.

“i’m sorry” tears welled up in your eyes again as you made eye contact with him. you couldn’t understand why you were crying, maybe it was all the emotions building up to this moment. even so, you were incredibly happy that jungwon was so concerned and even came to look for you. “sunghoon didn’t do anything, i was just venting to him”.

“y/n... did something happen?” his worried eyes looking hard into yours.

you played with you fingers as you tried to think hard on what to say next, is this the right time? i mean, in all honesty you had nothing to lose. in fact it was the perfect moment to confess your feelings, well after you explain everything to him.

“no” you sniffled, wiping away more tears you turned to him with a small smile. “let’s get home, shall we?”. he looked at you with bothered feeling, noticing it you frowned. “maybe i should tell you” you quietly let out, a silent chuckle following it.

“please tell me why you were crying y/n” his soft voice had hints of distressed tones in it, he was so visibly concerned about you. it’s possible that’s when you were reminded why you love jungwon, he cared about you so much that it felt like he could do anything for you. you gulp before opening your mouth, instantly closing it when words couldn’t come out. “hey... y/n?”.

“i can’t explain” that’s when you opted out of telling him how you felt. you thought that he already cared about you as a best friend, if he didn’t like you back. it was break down everything you had. you sigh before facing him once again. “we should really get going—”

“when— when you sent me that message, telling me you didn’t need me to walk you home because of sunghoon, it made me so upset and mad” he laughed to himself, the stutter in his words making him realise how nervous he was. you jump a little in shock when you realised his hand found its way to yours. the warmth of it soothed you, a pink tinge finding its way to your cheeks, an occurrence that always seems to happen whenever you were with jungwon.

“i stayed home sulking about it, messaged ni-ki about it and he was so mad at me” his eyes looked sincere, the pink tinge suddenly growing into a red one. “he told me if i didn’t, and i quote, get my ass there and walk you myself, he’d tackle me onto the ground”.

“i don’t get why you’re telling me this—”

“so i did” he continued, not stopping to explain anything to you but his own story. “i got up from bed and started travelling on the street you usually walked home on. i don’t know what i was expecting, but seeing you cry on that bench with that sunghoon guy beside you made me incredibly upset. i thought he did something to you! i can tell that i misread that completely”.

“jungwon” you speak up. you had no idea why he was reciting any of this, what was this even leading up to? a grin lights up on his face, the feeling his hand squeeze yours lovingly confusing you even more. “please tell me what your telling me-”

“i like you y/n” a sudden serious tone appearing. “not even like, i’m probably in love with you”. the shocked look on your face made him laugh endearingly, he pulled your hand lightly to bring you closer to him. “i mean it, honestly. it took three days of me thinking about what ni-ki had told me to even realise it”.

“so he wasn’t lying” you let out, still not recovering from the shock. you slowly move your head up to catch a glimpse of jungwon’s face, who quite literally snapped you back into reality. “wait, you like me really?”.

“yes!” he laughed as he pulled you into a hug, sending butterflies to your stomach. “why? do you not like me back?”.

“no!” you look at him in surprise. “wait! i do like you, it might be love too. i figured it out three years ago, when we were at my lake house”.

“three years ago?” the surprised look on his face slowly morphed into an endeared one once he caught you looking up at him with a cheesy smile. “you win with that one i guess”. the smiles on you both of your faces didn’t seem to falter while looking into each other’s eyes, the warm-cold breeze and the lightly tinted pink on both your cheeks adding to the scene.

“are we dating now?” he jokes as he takes out leaf from your hair.

“when did that get there” you place your hand on the spot the leaf was on. laughing it off, you look back up at him. the feeling of you in his arms still made your stomach flip, in a good way of course. “and yes, i suppose so?”.

“so now i can tell my parents i’m dating the smartest person in the country, as well as the prettiest?” he squeezes you tighter in a loving hug.

“so you’re just with me for my brains and looks?” sarcasm dripping from your words as you let out a loud laugh. “i’m kidding jungwon, yes you can tell them if you want to”.

“what are you gonna tell your parents?” a curious grin placed on his face.

“i’m dating my three year long crush”.

“as if they’d believe i’d be their precious child’s crush” he laughed as he loosened the grip on you. holding out his hand, you realised quickly that he wants you to hold it. “let’s get you back home before your parents send the police to look for you”.

“sure” you take his hand as you two walked down the street. both your sides looking as if you two were glued together from how the space was closed between the two of you, leaving no gap in between.

you always dreamt about your high school love story, even with your hectic schedule crushing you down everyday.

what you never expected was that your best friend was the start of it all.

[simpsiren]

jaehyun x reader

description. With my mother forcing me into a relationship with the son of a rich man to open my gates of a promising future, I was successful in having Jung Jaehyun wrapped around my finger. But none of my feelings for him were real. I didn’t know how he found out, but when I came back from London after two years, he completely changed. And I didn’t know what he planned to do. But I knew one thing for sure. He’s torturing me for not having true feelings for him in the first place.

genre. angst!!!, fluff in the end i guess(?)

word count. 14.5k~

warnings. really just bunch of angst and play of feelings 

“You’re coming back tonight.” Jaehyun said for the hundredth time. And maybe more or less, I’ve lost track. I plopped myself onto the silk sheet bed and rolled over for my stomach to be pressed against the mattress. I placed my phone in front of me with Jaehyun being annoyingly up close to the screen like he always does whenever we video call. Though, I so hated doing this.

I forced a smile, trying my best to keep up with the good image of a loving girlfriend in front of him. “How many times do you have to say that, Jae?” I giggled, so desperately wanting to roll my eyes in disgust at how high pitch I sounded. Jaehyun looked away from the screen for a brief moment while humming, eventually adverting his gaze back to me with a cheeky smile. “Well I don’t know... Until you come back.” Jaehyun chuckled lowly and ran a hand through his hair. I breathed out a light laughter in response and sighed. “Babe I’m gonna walk around London one more time before I head to the airport. Can I call you later? Maybe before I depart.” I suggested, already wanting to throw my phone away for me to faint off to sleep.

Jaehyun hummed in agreement, his smile still as bright and happy from the time we started video calling two hours ago. “Have fun, alright? I’ll be waiting at the airport for you.” Jaehyun whispered, leaning in to give a quick peck to the camera and giggling after. I simply responded with a light smile and nodded before lazily waving goodbye and finally ended the call. I placed my phone screen down on the bed and turned over, my legs and hands spread out widely like a starfish. I never intended to the walk around London. I’ve done that for the past two years here. Sure this place was a breath of fresh air, being away from Jaehyun. But just when I hoped to explore another country, my mother decided it was a good time for me to reunite with my boyfriend.

I turned my head to the side, eyes making contact with the wide window that revealed the sunset with streaks of orange and pink casted in between the clouds, light from the bright sun lowering itself dawning into the room with a orange hue. I sighed. I didn’t want to go back to Korea. I would never do that if I wasn’t forced to. I didn’t want to see Jaehyun. I didn’t like how my mother forced me into this relationship with him just so he could provide me a bright future. I groaned and sat up, shaking my head from all the stress I’ve collected just from thinking about having Jaehyun’s arms around me.

I shivered in disgust and even gagged from the thought. I wrapped my arms around my chest, instantly widening my eyes as a idea popped into my mind. I quickly grabbed my phone from my side and searched my contacts, instantly clicking on the one person I could trust in the whole country. And practically the only friend I ever had here. “Taeyong! Cafe, thirty minutes. Emergency.” I didn’t give him time to respond nor time to explain. Though I heard him let out a confused hum on the other end, I ended the call and bounced out of bed, running for the showers to get ready.

I waited at the usual table, the one that was seemingly always vacant whenever Taeyong and I went to the café that we’d call it our own spot at this point. I had my head tilted down to look at my phone that was on the table, occasionally switching between social media apps and eventually ended up scrolling through Titkoks out of pure boredom while waiting. The bell above the entrance’s door sounded, making me shoot my head up so fast I could have possibly given myself whiplash.

As if the whole world had gone dark, Taeyong made his way through the door. All the sunlight seemed to be captured by his bright pink hair, keeping all of it for itself. And I had to admit, it felt as if only he could rock such a colour. He only came wearing a loose white tee and black jeans, but it accentuated his perfectly proportional and lean physique. It was the simplicity of his that had me staring throughout the time he spotted me and came walking over. “So what is such an emergency that we had to meet hm?” Taeyong questioned, already sitting opposite from me.

I blinked my eyes and shook my head in rapid small movements before clearing my throat. “You being a doctor could actually be of use right now.” I leaned in, arms crossed on the table with my shoulder naturally lifting itself up and I got close to Taeyong. A slight smirk unintentionally crept up my face, resulting in Taeyong giving off an utterly confused expression with his eyes narrowing down on me with his brows raising just a fraction and a tilted head. “Wait what? Are you injured or something? Is that why it’s an emergency?”

I groaned, proceeding to let my body fall back into the seat and slamming a pal to my forehead. I shook my head vigorously and ran a hand down my face. “Look. You know I’m going back to Korea soon. But the thing is, I don’t want to.” I quickly explained to Taeyong, hoping he’d catch on. Taeyong let out a soft “Ah” while nodding his head. “Is your mother forcing you to go back just to be with Jaehyun?” I downshifted my head as an answer. Taeyong glanced sideways, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully. “Then what? You want me to pretend you’re sick just so you don’t have to see him?” I bobbed my shoulders, the evil smirk making its way back to my lips.

Taeyong had his lips form a thin line, somewhat in a unsure and having second thoughts manner. He’d normally agree to whatever I asked him to do. But this clearly had him thinking twice. After awhile, Taeyong hissed in uncertainty and smacked his lips. It was now his turn to lean in, eyes so fixated on mine as if he was trying to hypnotise me. “I don’t even get why you don’t like him. He seemed nice through the phone, not to mention he is deliciously hot.” Taeyong commented, practically fawning over Jaehyun as he looked out in a way to picture Jaehyun in his mind. I snapped my fingers in front of him, resulting in Taeyong to chuckle in suspicion and shaking his head to clear slate of Jaehyun.

“How many times do I have to rant about him?! I practically do that 24/7, Taeyong!” I scolded him, a upsetting frown settling on my lips. And indeed it’s true. I’d always mention Jaehyun during our outings and meetups, that was due to the fact that Jaehyun would be blowing up my phone with texts and calls, which is why I always had to switch my phone off every time I went anywhere with Taeyong. But either way, I’d never pass up an opportunity to blow my head off in anger and annoyance when Taeyong unintentionally brought up Jaehyun. “Honestly I can’t do anything. You know your mother would come looking for you anyways.”

With a shrug Taeyong laid back into his seat, resting both arms on the armrests, a teasing smile cracking up. “You think I don’t know that? No matter how much I want to run, being here is the furthest yet I’m still trapped.” I complained with a whine of a little child. “I don’t like how my mother’s forcing me into this. I never liked Jaehyun. He disgusts me on levels I never knew existed. He’s just too clingy and...” I shivered just like how I did in my room to physically show my thoughts of Jaehyun. Taeyong sighed and shook his head. “Sucks to be you. But you still have to go back. You can call me whenever, you know that right?” Taeyong flashed a smile of reassurance, one that never failed to make my heart flutter ever so slightly and bring warmth to me in a matter of seconds.

I hummed and nodded. “I’ll miss you.” I whispered, looking at Taeyong straight in his eyes. He closed his eyes for a moment and when his eyelids fluttered back open, his eyes formed a thin line, showing that he was smiling so wide that his eyes could disappear. “I’ll be sending you to the airport, love. Miss me then. Taeyong stood up and leaned forward to pat my head with his hand. “See you later, okay?” Taeyong reassured me once again before he flashed his boba eyes to me one last time before turning around and making his way out of the café. As he walked past, he glanced at me through the window and downshifted his head in a silent greeting with me doing the same till he was completely out of view.

Later that day, it’s as if I blinked my eyes once and I’m already here at the airport with Taeyong. I kept wishing for this day to never come, wanting it to be further into the future so I’d have more time to spare here in London. But of course, everything had to come to an end, that includes my freedom. I had a slight frown on my face as I looked up to the board stating the flights, seeing the flight to Korea being the first at the top. I turned to Taeyong, instantly pulling him into a hug with my arms around his torso. “Thank you, for making my two years here an amazing one.” I said, words getting muffled as I snuggled my face deeper into his chest. Taeyong gently combed my hair through his fingers.

“Glad to know you’ll miss me. I’m unforgettable after all.” Taeyong teased, which only made us let out breathless chuckles. “Quit flattering yourself.” As if on cue, the announcement for my flight to Korea was made like a bell toll in my head. I looked up to Taeyong one last time, placing a friendly peck on his cheek before finally letting him go and walking away. I could feel that his eyes never left my back but I was too scared to look back, afraid that I’ll miss him more than I already was.

On the plane, I slept through most of the time. I didn’t even bother eating the food provided. Luckily for me, I had the my favourite seat of being right by the window. Though it was night and I could practically see nothing but my very own reflection, something about sitting at the window gave me a sense of calm and peace. Though I wasn’t feeling it right now as I tried to sleep off the fact that I’ll be seeing Jaehyun in an hour’s time.

The moment I landed in Korea, the first thing that caught my eye was Jaehyun, who was already standing right there, just for me. Don’t get him wrong he is attractive with his all back outfit and ashy grey hair that stood out the most. I just never saw him being my potential lover. I actually felt bad for him, as I walked up to him. But something about how he stood— with his arms crossed and a lazy posture— that had me somewhat worried. He seemed out of place, not the usual all rainbows and sunshine like I knew him to be. From a far distance, I could already tell something was off. And that sent a unnerving shiver throughout my body.

The closer I got, the more Jaehyun’s eyes were locked on mine, his gaze trapping mine in a matter of seconds. I finally stood in front of him, no words exchanged. We simply stared at each other. The air around us growing uncomfortably thick in the scariest ways possible. Deep in his eyes, there was something negative lodged in his pupils. His aura was hitting me like a huge wave of unknown feelings. I hated it. Something’s wrong, and I couldn’t figure out what. “Hey.” I finally said to break the silence, a smile forming on my lips in an attempt to look happy, even after whatever staring contest went down.

Jaehyun cleared his throat and straightened his back, me doing the same to rid the thoughts of him until later. “Hi.” He simply said. Funny, he would’ve talked a lot more like he did on the phone. Now that I’m here, I expected him to bombard me with whatever I missed out on his life. Seemingly enough, he’s silent. And it was giving me a vibe I deeply disliked. He bent down to grab hold of my suitcase beside me. It took me a split of a second to find his face so close next to mine, and his eyes gave a glance that could make me shudder if I didn’t stay still and held my breath to keep my composure under control. What even was that...?

That short motion of his had the impact of a meteor on me, but he was just fine. He stood up normally, his fingers wrapped around the suitcase handle, and he simply began walking, not another word said. I wanted to stand there and get my mind gears going, my calculative instinct begging to kick in just to know what’s with Jaehyun’s odd and out of place behaviour. But I knew it wouldn’t do me any good. I was tired from the flight and what I needed most was sleep, a whole day’s worth of it.

And so I quickly followed behind to catch up to Jaehyun, eventually ending up on his side. But with the long strides he made with his long legs, I fell behind a couple of times and I was getting irritated at how I needed to constantly catch up. “Slow down.” I muttered to him, swiping strands of hair that flew into my mouth away from my face and behind my ear. Jaehyun didn’t respond at all, keeping his head and eyes straight for the exit to the parking lot. The silence was unbearable and I knew it’ll only get worse when we enter the car.

Once we reached the parking lot, Jaehyun took his key out from his pocket, unlocking the doors. Without giving a glance or any form of eye contact whatsoever, he went straight for the trunk to put in my luggage. Jaehyun would always open the car door for me. But I knew all too well he wouldn’t be doing that now he had that attitude of his, so I opened it myself and entered the car, getting myself settled in. Jaehyun eventually came in as well. One thing I noticed while he got ready to start up the car was the fact that he tried to keep his actions as calm as possible. I could see the urge from his veins popping out of his forearms that there was a form of anger he was desperate to let out, but he was compressing it as much as possible.

Beford Jaehyun could turn the key to start the engine, I placed a hand on top of his, right where the keys are. “Jaehyun?” I called out in a whisper, my eyes trailed from his tensed hand to his face. He was clearly avoiding eye contact, looking away and out the window. “Baby...” I said again, this time lowering my voice much more. “Are you okay? Are you mad? What happened?” I felt like I was asking too many questions at once and I was scared that he would explode into rage. But he didn’t. Jaehyun instead flashed a smile. But I knew this smile. It was fake, forced. I knew him long enough to know his habits, obvious and not so obvious.

“Don’t give me that look. Why are you like this? I thought you’d be happy to see me.” I gave a frown, acting desperate while I tried to register his every move and expression change, down to the little fraction change of his features. He raised one brow up, and the side of his lip quirked up. I widened my eyes and my expression was slowly turning to a shocked and confused one when he scoffed. “No I was happy. But whatever. Everything’s fine.” Jaehyun gave out the forced smile again. But this time he did it so well, it could have covered whatever amused face he had on moments ago if I wasn’t observing.

“Reminder that my parents and yours wants us to have dinner with them tomorrow night. Get settled by then. And I’m picking you up at six.” Jaehyun’s voice was monotonous, so monotoned that it was creepy. He was giving out every information I needed to know, not giving me a chance to question him in a way to start a conversation. He was full out blocking up and giving me the silent treatment. I would have had an interrogation on him just to know what was going on in that pretty head of his. But I was nothing but tired and would fall asleep instantly on any bed.

Once the sunlight hit my face as we exited the underground parking lot, I instantly squinted my eyes closed on instinct, head tilted in wards and looking down. I relaxed my eyelids soon after. But before I drifted off to sleep, I opened my eyes just a few fractions, seeing Jaehyun having his hand on one thigh and the other on the steering wheel. He had his eyes on the road as if driving was all that mattered to him at that current point. I closed my eyes back fully and went to sleep.

It felt like hours had pass by the moment I fluttered my eyes open. Still half-asleep and in the motion of trying to fully waken my mind, I looked around to take in my surroundings. I squinted my eyes in the pure darkness to clear my vision even the slightest bit. I was in my apartment. But something felt off. I tilted my head down, my eyes meeting with my outfit from the airport now changed to merely a short silk black nightgown dress with thin lace straps. I touched the silk between my fingers and gasped to myself crawling backwards and having my back make contact with the headboard of the bed on impact. I winced and placed a hand to the small of my back, shaking my head.

I took a second look around my room. My luggage was at the door, my valuables were taken out of my purse and placed on my night stand. And the door was barely opened. I turned to my night stand, my hand having to slam it mindlessly to find my phone in the complete darkness. The light from my phone almost blinded me and I quickly adjusted it to lower the brightness. I then looked at the time on the lock screen. “Five?” It was 5:34AM. I grunted softly and moved my body to sit at the edge of the bed. I had my eyes at the opened door for awhile, suddenly realising that there was a sliver of light that shined in the space between the ever so slightly opened door.

I gathered my energy to rise myself out of bed and took small lazy steps to the door. I placed my free hand on the handle, that was cold to the touch and pulled it for the door to swing fully open. I was greeted with more light. This time, the light came from the living room, illuminating the hall in front of me a orange hue. I had to bend forward to strain my ears, but I could hear a faint audio coming from the living room. I glanced at my phone that was lazily wrapped between my fingers for a moment before adverting my attention back to the living room. I took long strides to get there with my head hung loose.

As the living room came to view, the orange light was now brighter as the source of it was the lamp beside the tv. And in front of the tv sat a shadowy figure that would take me no time to notice. Jaehyun was laying on the couch, his head on the side of the couch where he could see me the moment he noticed my presence. He had his phone close to phone face but before I could even process more, he already had his phone tilted away and down from himself and had made eye contact with me almost instantly. “You’re awake.” Jaehyun said in a low tone.

I hummed and ran a hand through my hair. I felt uncomfortable walking around wearing something this revealing. Especially in front of Jaehyun. I made an attempt to clear my throat to get his attention, which I now wondered why I did so since he already had his full attention of me, eyes scrutinising my every move. I stood in front of him, arms wrapped around my body as if I was exposed of my bare body. “D-Did you have to change me to this?” I specifically raised my tone slightly on the last word, downshifting my head to the dress before looking back at Jaehyun.

“It’s not the first time guys have seen you wearing that, I’m sure.” Jaehyun eyes were locked on mine, but it slowly began to trailed down my body. They were keen and focused on my dress, the way it cupped my curves elegantly and also the exposure it has made. I was thinking about how he kept staring too much that I didn’t fully digest what he just said, absentmindedly letting out a “What?” in question. To which he responded, without an answer at all. Instead, he added another sentence. “It’s not the first time i’ve changed your clothes either.” Jaehyun shot his eyes back to mine instantly at his word, a cunning smile appearing on his lips as he licked his lower lip. He jolted himself out of the couch, which got me to take a step back in response.

“My mother asked me to stay here till you wake. And now that you are, I’ll get going. Don’t forget about the dinner.” Jaehyun began grabbing his wallet and other necessities off the coffee table. And just before he could take a step to the door, I grabbed hold of his wrist. “Baby why are you like this?” He was doing it again. He was being straightforward. He was leaving no room for us to converse. The tension he gave off was high and obvious. Jaehyun smacked his lips and flatten them into a line. “I’m playing a guessing game with you, if you have yet to catch on. Think long and hard.” Jaehyun grumbled lowly under his breath, almost a whisper when he turned his head to me to answer.

Jaehyun jerked his wrist free of my hold and sauntered off, sliding his wallet into the back pocket of his jeans in one swift motion. He opened the door. And when I thought he wouldn’t even bother to look back, he stopped in his tracks with one foot out the door. He didn’t bother turning around completely, simply looking at me over his shoulder and saying, “Oh. And you can stop calling me baby. It disgusting to my ears.” I narrowed my eyes on his back as he disappeared. I still had them on the closed door, Jaehyun’s actions and words replaying in my head one more time which made my eyebrows furrow and creases to form on my forehead. “What did he mean by that?”

That question had been on my mind the whole day. While I unpacked, did my laundry, ate breakfast and lunch at home with ordering takeout. I lost count at how many times it kept resonating. Along with that, I kept thinking of whatever possible meanings his words could have. “Jaehyun couldn’t be acting like this without a reason. I know him. He doesn’t act carelessly.” I muttered to myself as I played my food around with my fork. I eventually grew frustrated and stuck my fork into the chicken breast with force and groaned, tilting my head back.

From the time I knew Jaehyun, despite me disliking him, I never failed to take note of his actions and behaviour like I do with everyone else around me. I was always calculative in that sense. I took time to mentally note their habits, attitude, know when are the times I should keep a distance or if they’re in need of comfort. But right now, I couldn’t tell any of that about Jaehyun. I recalled every single thing Jaehyun has said to me. I knew for a fact that he never did anything without reason.

“Everything had meaning. But what the fuck is it?” I grunted and placed my palms on my cheeks, leaning forward and resting my upper body against the table. The longer I thought and tried to form a map in my head, I realised that it had something to do with me, or something I did. And that’s the very thing. I didn’t know what. Time felt as if it flew by fast like the wind when I saw that I needed to start getting ready for the dinner. I quickly cleaned up my food and headed for my room, all while thinking about just how much time I wasted having to wrap my mind around Jaehyun.

I was on my couch, laying around while waiting for Jaehyun to come pick me up. However, as time went on and I began to realise he might me late, I tried to spam him with text messages, hoping he’ll receive them and reply immediately like he always did. He didn’t. I gazed my eyes to the clock on the wall and I began to panic. My heart began to pick up its pace as I realised that I was going to be late. And my parents had a thing for being punctual.

With no options left, I went to the Grab app to try and pick up a ride. Luckily I was able to get a ride. But I had to ride it with strangers. And that wasn’t the best thing ever. I felt uncomfortable in the sense that I was overdressed in a car with people wearing regular home clothes. The amount of times the woman beside kept staring at me was unbearable but I tried my best to keep my eyes to the window. The restaurant finally came to view and I quickly paid the driver and got out to get rid from the prying eyes from the passengers.

Of course the restaurant had to be a high class one. The outer was all nothing but gold with wide windows to show off what it had to offer inside. The bright sign above the door had never flickered once each time I came here and it’s no surprise that I still see the restaurant as new as it first opened. I could already see my parents and Jaehyun’s at a table near the inner corner of the restaurant. I squinted my eyes and tiptoed in an attempt to spot Jaehyun, but he was no where to be seen. I took in a deep breath and straighten my back and shoulders. And with confidence and not a single look of weariness, I stepped in.

“Mother.” I greeted once I arrived to the table. Mother offered a kind and sincere smile as I downshifted my head to greet the rest. My mind was still at where Jaehyun could be. “Where’s Jaehyun?” Father questioned me and I instantly came zinging back to reality. I shook my head to clear the slate of Jaehyun. “Um I’m not sure...” I trailed off, an unsure expression on my face but I quickly remove it to replace back my kind smile. Jaehyun’s parents were at my surroundings, as if trying to find Jaehyun. In the end they shrugged it off and I took an empty seat next to Jaehyun’s mother.

“How was London, dear?” She placed her utensils down and turned her head to me. I immediately adverted my gaze to her to reciprocate her attention. “It’s been amazing. It’s such a beautiful country.” I said with an amicable smile. Jaehyun’s mother was the only one who practically showed the most genuine love for me other than my parents. I favoured her more and I liked talking to her instead of seating there in silence. She and I chatted about my whereabouts in London and after awhile, my food came. Yet Jaehyun didn’t.

I was slicing at my steak with my head down when I suddenly spotted pointed black polished shoes right beside, a large shadow looming over me. Everyone turned their heads, including me in unison. Jaehyun was here, in a all black suit and tie. His hair was slicked back and he looked professional. That in itself made me swoon over his attractiveness. He didn’t bother to even take a glance to me, he simply had his attention to my parents. “Sorry for being this late. I had an urgent meeting and I had something private to take care off right after.” Jaehyun explained. I could tell he was panting from the way his chest went up and down in rapid motions, but thsy were so small it might have been invisible to the parents. Hus voice was able to cover his up well too.

Jaehyun took the only empty seat next to me and adjusted his blazer, moving himself closer to the table as his food came to be served. “Where the fuck were you?” I whispered in a hushed tone, leaning in to his neck. One thing was different, I noticed instantly. His scent was the first thing I noticed. But what came along with it was a strong scent of a woman’s perfume. And it would never be one of mine. Lines formed between my brows and I eased myself away from Jaehyun when I didn’t get answer. He wasted no time to dig into his food to avoid my questioning.

Some hours have passed and now it was mostly our parents talking about business and other nonsense I wouldn’t have a care in the world to hear. Jaehyun and I ate in silence for the longest time. And what made it worse was the fact that they’d try to pull us into the conversation once in awhile to get us to talk. We simply nod, flash a smile and went on to eating. The air between Jaehyun and I wasn’t to my liking. And Jaehyun looked relaxed and calm. Something about it was chilling and unsettling.

“Am I able to excuse Jaehyun and I? I need to have a private chat with him.” I finally let out after thinking it through my mind this entire time. I had to confront him one way or another. Better now than later. I pushed my chair back and rose up to my feet. I looked at the parents for their approval.Everyone nodded their heads. “Don’t worry dear. You two can go home. We’re leaving soon anyways.” Jaehyun’s mother informed, cracking an amicable smile to her lips which I greatly admired. I smiled back and bowed in respect before gripping Jaehyun’s wrist, shooting a glare to him and dragging him out.

Once we were out of sight from the restaurant, I let go of his wrist and folded my arms, raising an eyebrow high. “Why were you late to pick me up?! You know my parents hate me being late. I’m about to get an earful through the phone soon.” I ran a hand through my hair and let out a huff. Jaehyun was nothing but motionless. He stood with his legs rooted to the ground and he stared at me with folded arms as if none of what I said went into his ears. “Jung Jaehyun!” I quietly shouted, the anger that I tried to hold in now seemed to be bubbling.

“I had somewhere to be.” Jaehyun said in a way where he thought it was obvious. Technically it was. I knew it from the get-go. “Okay where?” I specified further, shifting my weight from one leg to the other. Jaehyun took one step closer, that step was enough for him to be so close our bodies were barely touching. I had to look up at him, my eyes now filled with fury. What angered me more was his calmness. “I’m pretty sure I don’t have to say it out loud.” This whisper was low and his breath lightly brushed against my neck. I would have melted but I tried to keep my stern posture. “Ah. But you wouldn’t feel anything even if I did, right?” His question had me clueless. I was asking more in my head and I stared him with a calculating gaze.

Jaehyun must have noticed the gears turning in my head. And with a smirk as if wanting to plot a plan to ruin me whole, he takes a step back and left a gap of thick air between us. My lungs were clenched and no air would enter. “You’re fun, really.” Jaehyun slides his hands into the pockets of his dress pants with one swift motion, glancing down to his shoes with a strand of hair falling on his forehead that he chose to ignore. “Shall I take you home now?” Jaehyun grinned widely, as if whatever happened left no trace in his memory. I thought long and hard, but in the midst of all the anger and rage, I scoffed loudly and shook my head, showing attitude. “No.”

Jaehyun copies my expression, this time it was sarcastic amusement. “You’d rather take the train home? Never seen you do that in a long time.” Jaehyun breathed out. He was right. Ever since I dated him, he’d always offer a ride in his expensive cars. I never had to ride public transport ever again. I thought about it again, how I’d stand out in a crowd of regular people in an outfit this divine. “You showed attitude and now you want to offer me a ride? What sick game are you on?!” I pinched the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes. I couldn’t handle it. He’s been acting arrogant and had been nothing but rude ever since I landed here. He was making me run around like a blind mouse trying to find the reason for his sudden personality change.

“That’s the thing. If you want to know, you have to play the game.” Jaehyun slid out his car keys from his pocket and threw it in the air only to have it catch in his palm with much skill and fast paced motion. He let out a sly smirk in the process and turned on his heel and walked to his car. I swear I could see him bouncing on his heels ever so slightly as if he’d succeeded in playing me. And the sad truth was, he did. He had my mind messed up and I haven’t even been here for long.

I had just finished my lessons for the day at my University. I was able to catch up quick in the past few days. But although I had my mind now set on my studies, there were moments when I’d spend even the faintest of times on Jaehyun. I didn’t get into contact with him after that day. And I felt like that was the best of it. I never liked him. So why should I bother? We’d only have to act like a couple in front of our parents. So whatever he does shouldn’t be of any business to me, right?

I was on the phone with Taeyong. My one and only listening ear. I wondered if there was even a time he had never not been able to answer my calls. “Do you see what I’m saying now?! It was just so-” I balled a fist with my hand that was below the stack of books I was carrying. I groaned silently to keep my composure as I walked through the hall and out of the entrance. With people walking by, I wouldn’t want to make a fool of myself by acting like a total maniac. “He said to play the game. Then don’t play it. Don’t do what he wants you to do.” Taeyong suggested freely. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Easy for you to say. I actually want to know what he’s been up to.”

I could hear Taeyong whining over the phone like a child, a loud groan piercing my ears as he huffs into the speaker. “Then be some undercover agent and find out! Act like you aren’t when you actually are!” Taeyong shouted and I swear if I was able to slap him through the phone to quieten down, I would. “Wait why do you even care? Thought you hated to this guy to the bones. Isn’t it good now that he hates you too? It’s not like he’s bothering you by being the perfect sweetheart you despise.” Taeyong’s words resonated in my mind. He’s right.

“There’s nothing wrong in being curious, okay?” I retorted to bounce back quick from the long pause of silence. I could almost feel Taeyong shrugging when I heard shifts through the speaker. “I have to go now. Call you soon? And do what I say. I want to know what Jaehyun does!” Taeyong giggled like a tease, making me huff loudly. “I swear you’re cutely annoying and I hate it.” I breathed out a chuckle. Taeyong said his last goodbye and ended the call. And the moment I looked up, something caught my eye.

I instantly ran into the shadows of the hallways to hide myself. I slowly but surely crept my head out to take a peek. I didn’t need to squint my eyes for confirmation. It was as clear as day. And he wasn’t even trying to hide it. “Who the fuck is she?” I muttered, my mouth gaping ever so slightly at the sight. Jaehyun had his body close to a girl, and needless to say she had her hands all over him. I exhaled sharply. After a moment of confusion, my feelings quickly flickered from being surprised to pure amusement and annoyance.

I kept my eyes on them, fixated and direct. I couldn’t tell how Jaehyun was reacting to be very honest. There was something to him. Like he was being stoic and I wasn’t able to recognise any emotions through his actions or facial expressions. He was standing there like stone with his hands in his pockets, sometimes offering a smile for a brief moment but quickly changing his expression to a stoned and cold one. But the more I stared, the more I had this feeling in my chest. A feeling I thought I’d never feel towards this man.

I breathed a sigh and slapped a palm to my forehead, shaking my head slowly. “Why are you even feeling this way?” I scolded myself quietly. I swallowed and stood up straight from my peering posture, face fierce and on front. After throwing those thoughts out of my head, I turned around and walked away. I had to get out of there before those thoughts swallow me whole. But that attempt didn’t work. The moment I went home, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How whoever that girl was had her hand brushing against Jaehyun’s arms. The way Jaehyun stood there as if nothing she did had any affect on him. I had to say, that was attractive on some level.

I slammed my pen down on the table and frowned deeply, pressing my palms against my cheeks as I leaned forward on my study table. I stared down long and hard, seeing my papers of assignments scattered and in disarray. I wasn’t able to get anything done properly with Jaehyun blocking my way of thinking. It was driving me insane at how he could possibly keep me up for hours on end if I don’t stop this. I groaned and pulled the hood of my hoodie over my head, rubbing my eyes. I took my phone from the top right hand corner of my table and headed to Twitter, the only place I could let out my steam.

I had already posted the tweets. The tweets where I talked about how stressed I was about Jaehyun. I didn’t even bother to censor his name I was that angry. I hated how he was causing my head to spin, making me feels things I never thought I’d feel. But it was only when I read over my bursts of anger that I realised Jaehyun could have seen them. He does follow me on Twitter. I widened my eyes and threw my phone out of my hands, letting it land hard on the table. “Shit.” I muttered under my breath. My chest was going up and down as my breathing quickened its pace. I picked up my phone and in frantic motions, tried to get into Twitter to delete them. But just when I turned on my phone, the doorbell rang. And I shivered in shock.

I shot my head to my room door, as if I got a sight of the front door. I placed my phone down on the table, trying to get my breathing back to normal as I made my way for the door. Thinking it could just be a delivery man, I didn’t bother to check through the peephole and simply opened the door. I could’ve jumped out of my skin at the sight if I wasn’t trying to keep my composure. “Saw your tweets. You seem pissed.” Jaehyun breathed out, raising both brows and bringing his phone up beside his face, showing me the thread tweets I posted before shoving his phone back into his pocket. “Why are you here?” A lot of questions were running through my mind at that very moment, but the only thing I could let out was the obvious.

“Want ice cream?” Jaehyun’s question had me stunned to the point where I wanted to reply with anger but instead had my voice left my throat. My mouth was moving yet no words seemed to be coming out. “W-What?” I asked, still utterly confused. Jaehyun exhaled sharply and glanced down before meeting my eyes again, this time he was looking at me different. His eyes were soft and gentle. It looked genuine. And I was genuinely surprised. “Your tweets are telling me you are stressed and you seem to be in need of ice cream.” Jaehyun tilted his head just a fraction. “It’s late and last minute but-”

“Sure.” I didn’t even know how I was able to let out that word. It’s as if I had no control of what to say and it simply fell through my lips. But hey, free ice cream was certainly what I needed. That was one of the few reasons why hanging out with Jaehyun was even the slightest bit bearable. As long as I had free food and had no worries, it wasn’t actually the worst thing life could offer. We went to our the ice cream shop. It was late at night and we were sitting on the road pavement. The stars were shining bright and the moon was shining brighter with its light radiating down on us. The cool breeze that swept by softly made the air between us unexpectedly lighter.

The silence wasn’t terrible either. It took us no exchange of words for us to have a calming night. Needless to say I needed this breath of fresh air. “I saw you.” I finally let out out after looking up to admire the ink black night sky for so long. “I know. I planned for you to see it.” I slammed my now empty cup of ice cream on the road in between my feet, shooting my head to him so fast I almost gave myself whiplash. “You fucking planned that? And for what?! The fuck’s been going on with you lately? Why are like this? This is why I’ve been-”

Jaehyun leaned in, so close that I could feel his breath on the skin of my face. And for some reason, there was a brief spark of electricity that was begging to have him go closer. “Be honest. Do you like me?” I blinked my eyes rapidly. Why would he be asking that out of the blue? We sat there in silence for the longest time. I didn’t know what to feel, nor what to say. My mind just went blank for a moment. Jaehyun raised his eyebrows and I forgot the fact that I needed to answer him. I guess my expressionless face had him thinking I didn’t hear him the first time. “Um...” I trailed off, not having an exact answer.

“If you don’t like me, say so. If you do and don’t mind my presence, say so.” Jaehyun’s voice was low and monotonous. I felt my breath abandon ship like its saying “Good luck to you, you’re on your own.” I had to look him in the eye— something that made me even more uncomfortable than this conversation. “It’s confusing.” I began, not knowing where to start and how to string my messed up feelings into words. I swallowed a huge lump to get my throat to clear, but I already knew I’d be slurring through my words. His face was still close to mine and it really had my breath hitched for the longest time.

“I don’t know, okay? It’s not that I don’t like you. I just don’t like how my parents are forcing me to marry you. I mean don’t you hate it? You know we don’t see each other that way. And to be honest, I have no control on who you hang out with anyways so I don’t even know why I feel-” Jaehyun’s chuckle caused me to stop my rambling. I had my eyes wide opened at his reaction I didn’t see coming at all. I was again at a loss of words. “Where are you getting at?” Jaehyun questioned me. I couldn’t keep my eyes on him, and so my gaze slowly trailed down to his face, unintentionally stopping at his pink, smooth lips. That wasn’t helping my fast beating heart at all.

“Who said I hate it? And who said we don’t see each other that way?” Jaehyun’s questions were left hanging in the air for some time. I could feel his eyes on me, observing every inch if my face while I simply had my eyes stared down on his neck and collarbones that were peaking out of his shirt. “Wait you...” I was left speechless yet again. But Jaehyun didn’t bother and proceeded talking. “You’re getting late at knowing what I’m trying to do. Which is a shame since I wanted to make this fun but now it’s annoying.” Jaehyun licked his lips and smacked them against each other, the pop sound that came out of it sent a shiver down my spine and my eyes never left his lips for the whole second of that action.

Jaehyun exhaled as a smirk rose up his lips. “I’m making you regret that you don’t like me the way I liked you.” My eyes went up to him quick as the words took no times to sunk itself into my mind. The realisation hit me but it put my frozen in my spot. Well he had me stuck since the very start, but now it felt as if I wasn’t able to move an inch. “I know you never liked me. And it grew annoying that our relationship’s entirely staged. I liked you once, but never again.” Jaehyun smiled with the intention of wanting it to hurt right at the perfect spot of my heart where it’d have the most effect. And his arrow of words didn’t miss even a spot away.

“How can you not believe me?!” I shouted to my iPad that was propped on my kitchen counter. I took out two slices of bread with frustration and shoved them into the toaster, pushing them in and closing the lid for it to begin toasting. I huffed and turned my head to the iPad, seeing Taeyong sitting on his gaming chair and happily dancing to songs as if I wasn’t even there.

“Because you hate Jaehyun and I refuse to believe he’s that bad.” Taeyong replied casually with a shrug, glancing down to adjust his pyjamas before going back to his computer. My mouth gaped open so wide my jaw could’ve reached the floor. “What?! Excuse me but Jaehyun just turned into a demon and he’s out to get me. He’s torturing me, Tae!” I wanted to simply drop and let my soul leave my body. But just when my legs gave in, the toaster sounded and I had to take out the bread.

“Torturing because he’s making you regret that you didn’t have feelings for him in the first place?” Taeyong questioned, I didn’t answer. Taeyong laughed for moment and sighed out loudly. “Well hope you’re starting to regret because he really is a catch.” I shot my head from the fridge and to him at his words, taking out the butter and slamming the refrigerator door shut. “I don’t know how but Jaehyun became ten times hotter and it’s driving me insane.” I grumbled, forcing the lid of the butter open and beginning to spread some on the toasted bread.

“Not surprised.” Taeyong clicked his tongue and chuckled. I rolled my eyes and narrowed my eyes down on Taeyong, which made him jerk back at the sight. I guess I looked scary. “You aren’t helping.” I growled like a dog that was about to attack. Taeyong shot his hands up in defence. “I don’t know, okay? You just need to do something. If you don’t, he’s going to keep playing you around like a toy.” I stood there in silence. He was stating the obvious. But hearing it out loud, it affected me in a way I couldn’t describe. “Yeah whatever. I’ll think of something. Text you later.”

“Aight.” Taeyong ended the call. I lifted up my toasted bread very slowly, deeply in thought. As I took the first bite, it was as if a light bulb that hovered over my head switched itself on. An idea popped into my mind. I grabbed my phone and pressed Jaehyun’s contact to call him. Long beeps pass. And finally after the fifth one, he picked up. “What do you want?” Jaehyun’s voice wasn’t welcoming, but didn’t sound bad either. “I want new books. Can you pick me up and we can go book shopping?” I tried my best to sound lively to bounce back from his dark and low tone. There was no answer, merely his breathing. It felt as if I was waiting forever till he breathed in and finally said, “Okay. Thirty minutes.” I smiled softly and ended the call.

“What’s with the sudden book shopping?” Jaehyun asked as we walked into the bookstore. Eyes settled on us instantly, but it was more to Jaehyun. I clicked my tongue and slid my arm to wrap around his smoothly, swiping all my hair to fall on my right shoulder and revealing my collarbones. “What’s wrong with it? You know I love reading. And I need new books.” I tilted my head up and flashed a smile to his expressionless face. Jaehyun’s eyes scanned the place. He knew he was being watched by the eyes of public. All attention was on him. It’s something normal to him anyways with a face like his.

Jaehyun hummed as I dragged him to the fiction fantasy section of the bookstore. My eyes lit up with joy as I saw the spines of all the books on the rows of bookshelves that went on. My arm let go of Jaehyun’s, but I intentionally held his hand and interlocked my fingers with his, pulling him to stand beside me in front of one of the bookshelves. “Should I try to make you read too?” I asked after I glazed my eyes over the books for a long while. Not getting an answer, I looked down to Jaehyun, seeing that he had his gaze down. I trailed my eyes along his line of vision, realising that he was staring at our interlocked hands. I smirked and called out to him, to which he responded with a quick snap of his neck to look at me. “What?”

“Do you want to try reading with me?” I rephrased my question to make it sound more personal. To make things better, I leaned in to lower my voice to a whisper. Jaehyun’s reaction was unrecognisable. I couldn’t tell what was going through his mind, whether he noticed my attempts at getting him to like me, or that he simply had to affect to them. “We read together?” Jaehyun asked back, somewhat with a tone of needed confirmation to what his ears have heard. I pursed my lips for a moment, quickly changing it to a bright smile and nodding my head. Jaehyun kept silent for awhile as I impatiently waited for his answer. “Okay.”

I reached my hand out to the bookshelf, hovering my fingers over the spines of the books as I slowly walked down the aisle. I could feel Jaehyun’s presence behind me, but I could hear him keeping a distance with his footsteps being far away from mine. It’s as if his eyes were observing me, down to my every detailed movements. His eyes were drilling deep into my back but I ignored it. Once I found a book that seemed to have an interesting title, I placed my hand firmly on it. But I soon realised I was on my tippy toes. Looking up to the book, it was only then did I notice that the book was placed so high up on the bookshelf.

I stood back normally from my reaching posture and turned to Jaehyun. He simply had his arms folded and eyes darting to me like it was nothing. But it felt like I was being exposed just from his stare alone. “Don’t you see I need help here?” I asked, copying his posture with a tilted head and a raised brow. Jaehyun stared at me, but flickered his eyes to the book I wanted and back to me again, a laugh escaping his lips. “Shortie.” I frowned deeply. It’s not the first time I’ve heard that comment. But something about the way the word rolled smoothly on his tongue and left his lips. It gave off a different feel. One that got the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up like soldiers.

It was only made worse however when Jaehyun took a step closer. So close that I stumbled back out of shock and hit my back against the bookshelf. I sucked in my lips as I felt my lungs clenching. My eyes didn’t move. In fact, in that one brief moment, my whole body was frozen, and it felt like it’ll stay that way forever. His height in comparison to mine caused his neck to be right on my face, his chest just slightly lower. And the thoughts of his body suddenly became appealing. I wanted to slap myself in the face for even thinking of such things, but how could I not when I could smell his perfectly scented perfume right under my nose?

I gulped, wondering just how long I had to stay in my tensed up position. I didn’t want to look at him, but my eyes were slowly trailing from his neck up, till I saw his face. I widened my eyes. Jaehyun was looking right down at me. He already had a grip on the book, but he wasn’t pulling it out of the bookshelf. And I don’t think he intended to do so for long as the smirk from his sly action slowly appeared on his lips. I exhaled sharply and mentally shook my head, proceeding to gaze up at him and intending to hold the eye contact. I furrowed my eyebrows in an attempt to seem annoyed. “Aren’t you going to bring down the book or will you stay there till your body gets sore?” My words were added with a hint of having the desire to fight back.

Jaehyun quirked an eyebrow up in a questioning manner, his lips forming an ‘O’ while his eyes were filled with surprise and perhaps even admiration? “Oh really now?” I could feel Jaehyun’s breath on my skin as he spoke. His face was inches away from mine that one movement from either of us could land with our lips touching. I cleared my throat and rolled my eyes, attempting to reach my hand out past his face to grab the book. However, due to his advantage of having way quicker reflexes than me, he grabbed a proper hold on the book and brought it down. He stood in front of me, confidence and arrogance being radiated off him. I really had the urge to punch that cheeky smile off his face.

While I envisioned myself letting my anger out on Jaehyun, I didn’t notice that he actually bothered to read through the back synopsis of the book. “Seems interesting. You picked a good one.” I blinked my eyes rapidly once his voice registered into my mind and I came back to reality. I turned my head to the side, realising I still had my body stuck to the bookshelf. Jaehyun chuckled and I shot my head back to him. I’m feeling my cheeks burning and I knew it was glowing a bright shade of pink. I really wished he would never see me in such a state. “Let’s go. I’ll pay for it.”

Jaehyun swirled around on his heels and sauntered down the aisle. As his back grew smaller and smaller, I couldn’t help but have that scene replayed in my mind. And with each time it resonated, my heart seemed to speed up its pace and Jaehyun was running in never ending circles in my memory.

I was on my bed tonight. I decided that today would be one of the very rare days I would allow my brain to rest from all the work I had to complete for Uni. I’ve spent the night watching Netflix and took a nap. I missed days like these, when I could simply shut my brain off and do whatever. I’m treasuring every second of it. But the thing that keeps obstructing me from doing so with utmost happiness was Jaehyun.

Just when I was at the kitchen to cook up some popcorn for myself, planning to watch a movie, I got a call from the one person I didn’t want to think about. “Why’re you calling out of the blue?” I questioned, a hint of annoyance shining through my tone. I could hear Jaehyun laugh in response and my face scrunched up at his voice. “You sound annoyingly cute.” Jaehyun teased, letting out a breath at the end that for some reason caused goosebumps to appear on my arms. “You didn’t answer me.” I grumbled, fidgeting with the popcorn packet I was just about to open with my free hand.

Jaehyun hummed, a cheerful one as if he wasn’t interrupting my valuable time. “I’ll send you an address. Come by at five evening?” I didn’t know what to think about his suggestion. It was so sudden, and skeptical. “Will I be in danger at the address you’re about to send?” I smiled to myself when I heard Jaehyun laughing out loud. I gaped my mouth and hovered my free hand over my mouth, shocked that even his laughter was having an effect on me. “What’s he doing to me?” I mentally questioned myself. But Jaehyun was quick to butt in and answer my previous question. “No it won’t. I’d never put you in danger anyways.”

Jaehyun’s sweet words which I couldn’t decide if they were whispers of nothingness or not, rang through my ears. Why did it feel like I was being put under a spell? His spell, that’s making me attract to him a whole lot more. But I knew that’s what he wanted. He wanted me to fall for him as a way to get back at me since I never had feelings for him. Our relationship was like playing with fire.

Despite all that back thinking and careful calculations, my mouth was still able to mutter the words, “Alright, see you there.” I ended the call quickly and slammed my phone down on the kitchen counter, groaning to myself as I balled fists into my hair. “How are you so dumb!” I whined loudly, practically having a mental breakdown right then and there as I caught myself falling into Jaehyun’s plan. I rolled my eyes and shook my head that was hung low. I covered my eyes with my fingers and took in a deep breath. “Whatever.” I finally said to myself, looking at the time and heading out of the kitchen to my room.

I looked at myself in my full length mirror one last time. I have yet to see the address he sent so I decided fo wear something casual, a simple oversized sweater and wide legged jeans. I grabbed my purse with all my necessities. I slide my phone off my desk and went to look at the address Jaehyun sent. I squinted my eyes. It’s not a restaurant, or a hangout spot. I would’ve expect anything else but a childcare. “Why would he want me to go there?” I asked myself in a low whisper under my breath. I sighed and shrugged, looking up from my phone and going out.

On my way there, I couldn’t stop thinking about the countless reasons why Jaehyun would ask for my presence at such a place. I searched it up. It was a childcare. Of all places, a childcare? It was a place I’d never expected to be headed, especially on Jaehyun’s request. My calculative mind wasn’t able to come up with a possible reason and it frustrated me to the core. But in the end I gave up, not wanting to waste my mental energy trying to find out a reason I’d soon get to know once I met Jaehyun.

I arrived at the childcare. And the moment I entered, I could already hear the happiest screams and laughter of the children in each room. The receptionist seemed busy as I slowly walked up to the counter and tapped my knuckles against the hard wood. “Um excuse me? Where can I find Jaehyun?” I asked, unintentionally letting my uncertainty surface through the opened cracks of my words. The woman looked up from her computer at the instant of my voice and flashed an amicable smile. “Oh he should be done with his class soon. You want wait for him in the staff room.” She gestured her hand out to the door just behind me. I gaped my mouth open and breathed out, turning back to her and reciprocating her smile before downshifting my head and heading into the staff room.

There wasn’t a lot of people there. There weren’t a lot of office cubicles either. I already knew at first glance that this childcare seemed to be a private one. I guess the working staff would be limited. Although I thought I’d feel uncomfortable at the awkwardness I’d meet when I step in, it was quickly eased when I realised that none of the teachers took notice of me at all and were simply minding their own business. I kept my presence as low key as possible by taking light and brief steps to the sitting area on the other end corner of the room. I sat down on the couch and didn’t take long to sink my body into it. If people weren’t going to notice me, I might as well make myself comfortable. I assumed they wouldn’t be able to see me due to their cubicles unless they stood up so I didn’t bother looking too professional.

I took out my phone from purse, playing with it for awhile till I heard the door swing open. The door wasn’t opened in a harsh manner till the doorknob would slam against the wall, but the swoosh of air from the force was what caused me to lift my head up in mere seconds. Jaehyun walked into the room, and suddenly all the woman staffs were exchanging whispers and murmurs that filled the air in the room almost instantly. Jaehyun was wearing his blazer and dress pants, hair slicked back with just a few strands of hair falling out of place. It’s something he’d wear to the office. But my biggest question is, what was he doing here wearing that outfit?

I guess I was too in my thoughts that I didn’t even notice Jaehyun standing right in front of me and I had to tilt my head higher to meet his face. “Why did you invite me-” “I’ll explain if you stand up and follow me instead of straining your neck like that, baby.” Jaehyun taunted with a vicious happy smile. I stood up, quickly noticing that my force from doing so caused my chest to bump into his. He didn’t stumble back an inch as if he had his feet rooted to the ground. I guess I stood up too hard, I almost fell back when Jaehyun swiftly held my elbow to keep my stability.

Jaehyun jerked his head to the door and moved himself aside, that smile of his still stuck on his face. i furrowed my eyebrows at him as I walked past, glancing to the office cubicles for a moment and I instantly felt a hard whack of jealously and suspicion going right at me in that brief moment. I blinked my eyes rapidly that shook my head almost in an invisible manner and walked out quickly, Jaehyun following a few steps behind. Once I was walking down the hallway, not even sure if I was on the right path, I heard Jaehyun closing the door behind up and taking few large steps to walk beside me. “Explanation still needed.” I said.

“Well. I work here. On my free days from working in the office.” I widened my eyes so much that my eyeballs could have possibly dropped out of my eye sockets as I turned my head to meet his eyes, searching for even a single bit of lie. I didn’t see anything but the truth as he bored his eyes into mine with seriousness. “You? With kids? That’s the most unexpected combination I’ve heard yet.” I commented, my mouth still wide open from being shocked. Jaehyun chuckles, glancing to my mouth for a moment and placing two fingers under my chin to close my mouth shut. That touch alone sent electricity throughout my body and giving me the shock of a different kind.

“I’m working here because there’s this girl I saved one time. Her mother suggested I look over her here.” Jaehyun slid his hands into the pockets of his dress pants, bobbing his shoulder and shifting his head slightly. Questions sprouted in my mind with each word of explanation was being registered into my mind. I would’ve asked what happened to the girl, why he saved her, since when he had a kind heart to do such a thing, and many more. But the only words I could let out were, “I’ve never thought of you like that.” Jaehyun stopped in front of one door, making my clumsiness almost bumping into him from his abrupt stop of motion. He swirled around till his body was completely facing me. “Thought of me like what?” Jaehyun echoed, a brow of intrigue and surprise raising high up.

I licked my lips, avoiding his searching eyes for a moment before shakily meeting his gaze. “Just didn’t think you’re the kind of person to do that.” I swallowed and shook my head vigorously, waving a hand at him loosely. “You know what? It’s nothing. Just my perception on rich people.” Jaehyun opened the door and made way for me to enter. I smiled softly at him for a second and went in. It was a classroom. All the chairs and tables were small, the walls covered in lots of artwork that the kids have done. There wasn’t anyone else, except for a little girl sitting at one of the tables.

Her head lifted from the table and her eyes didn’t even bother to flicker to mine, it went straight for Jaehyun. The moment she saw him, her face lit up so much it could possibly light up the whole world. There were stars sparkling in her eyes and her smile was wide it could blind everything around her. She slid off her backpack from her shoulders and ran with much speed towards Jaehyun. She wrapped her arms around his legs and tilted her head up to look at Jaehyun. “Jaehyun!” She squealed, the high pitch voice of a cute child ringing through my ears.

Jaehyun laughed loudly and squat down to even his eye level with hers. He smiled bright at her. A smile that was genuine and true. A smile that felt like a promise to protect the girl from the world that have his love wrapped around her forever. “I wasn’t even gone for long, Lily.” Jaehyun said, his hand lifting up to stroke her hair. It was only now that I realised just how small she was when Jaehyun’s palm held her tiny head. “Lily, I want you to meet my girlfriend, _____.” I wanted to turn to him and give him a confused look. But I knew that if a kid were to see that, they’d immediately start questioning like curious cats. And so I simply played along, waving a hand at her and smiling widely.

“Hello, Lily.” I greeted, trying to sound as kind and bright as possible. Lily went up to me and had her hands held out. I blinked my eyes and picked her up in my arms on instinct. Luckily I didn’t need to try so hard to carry her. She didn’t feel too heavy. She wrapped her arms around my neck, causing me to let out a “Oh.” I took a close look at her as I saw her doing the same. She was extremely cute. Big eyes and chubby cheeks. Anyone would be charmed by her cuteness. “You’re very pretty.” Lily complimented, which only made my smile grow so much wider for her. “You too.” I said with a giggle.

I shifted my head to see Jaehyun behind Lily in my sight. He had his arms folded and there was a smile of admiration on his face for a split second but it disappeared into nothing when my eyes met his, as if to hide the fact he even made such a face. “Where’s her mother? Shouldn’t she be going home now?” I asked Jaehyun. He took a step closer and gestured to Lily. I raised my eyebrows and passed her into Jaehyun’s arms. He was strong enough to carry her on one arm. I wasn’t at all surprise. “Her mother’s running late at work and she asked me to take care of her in the mean time. I was hoping I could use some help.” He flashed his signature smile. And though I would have refused in the midst of not wanting to see his face, I couldn’t help but swoon at how Lily was practically begging me to stay.

We did a lot of things in the span of a short few hours. Jaehyun offered to take Lily to an ice cream shop nearby for a treat. I never thought Jaehyun would be so good with children. The way his touch was so gentle and soothing, the way he was always attentive to whatever Lily would say and had no trouble carrying a conversation with her. He somewhat took care of her like his own child. We went to everywhere she wanted to go. I did have fun, surprisingly enough. Perhaps it was because Lily was there to entertain me, or maybe I couldn’t stop watching the way Jaehyun was taking care of her. Either way, a long night had now passed and Lily was strapped in the front passenger seat next to Jaehyun, her sleeping figure letting out subtle snors as we drove to take her home.

“That was fun.” I said out of the blue, the silence in the car was staring to get a little unbearable when all I could do to soothe myself down was staring at Lily. I looked to the mirror above, seeing the reflection of Jaehyun’s eyes looking right at me for a split second before adjusting back onto the road. “I’m glad you had fun. She definitely did too.” I chuckled, nodding my head. “Of course she did. Look at all the stuffed toys you got her from the arcade.” I jerked my head to side where the pile of stuffed toys were placed in a hug bag. Jaehyun turned his head to the back to take a glance at it, briefly meeting my eyes and turning back front. “You still suck at arcade games.”

“Shut up.” I grumbled, a smile unconsciously forming on my lips as I smacked Jaehyun’s shoulder lightly. That action seemed to have some effect on him, one I didn’t intend to make, with his frozen form for a split second before relaxing back his body into the seat. We’re now where I assumed would be the neighbourhood, with Jaehyun slowing down the car and looking around to find the correct house. The car was halt to stop in front of a house. I grabbed hold on the bag of stuffed toys while Jaehyun stepped out to go to the other side and pick up Lily. I exited the car and waited for Jaehyun. Jaehyun carried Lily as if she was a little baby, both his arms wrapped around her like she was the most precious thing in the world. I frowned at the soft thought.

Jaehyun and I went to the front of the house and I knocked on the door. There was a brief pause before the door opened, revealing a happy woman at the doorstep. “Jaehyun! Glad you’re here.” She exclaimed with glee. Jaehyun smiled amicably and took a step closer to her to pass Lily into her arms. “She seemed to have a good time with you. She’s sleeping so soundly.” The mother lowered her voice to a whisper as she brushed strands of hair off her daughter’s face. “You must be the girlfriend he talks about too much.” The woman acknowledged me and I quickly straightened my back to offer back a kind smile. “Um yes, I am.” I replied. She sighed peacefully and nodded her head. “Alright. I’ll put her to bed now. Have a goodnight you two.” She smiled widely till her eyes formed thin lines as the two of us downshifted our heads and the door closed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked, my attitude changing in the blink of an eye. So fast that Jaehyun turned to look at me with a quizzical expression as we walked back to the car. “What?” He echoed. “You have no intention with taking me out with Lily today?” I asked again, hoping he’d catch up to where I was heading with the conversation. Turned out he wasn’t, or maybe he was just faking it. He still had a confused look. “There’s nothing wrong in wanting to take you out, is there?” There is. It’s your stupid game I’m worried about. “Besides, it seems like you could use some time off from Uni.” I was shocked that Jaehyun even cared. Now I was doubting if he meant any of that.

I cleared my throat, throwing away my furious aura. “Oh well, thanks.” I simply said, and no words exchanged between us from that moment on all the way till he sent me home. It was calmly quiet and the scene of the night was able to relief some of the awkwardness as I got lost in the way the lights dimly lighted the streets along with the blank dark sky. But the moment I got home, I had to call Taeyong. “Help!” I screamed the moment he picked up. I propped my phone a stack of book I had on my study table and took a seat. Taeyong had a brow raised questionably. “What your emergency?” Taeyong said with much sarcasm, as if he already knew what I ranted about wouldn’t be important.

“Jaehyun. It’s Jaehyun. He’s making me fall for him. I’m going insane.” Taeyong scoffed loudly without a single care for my feelings and looked me at through the screen. “What did he do this time?” Taeyong asked, ruffling his hair as he adjusted himself on his bed. “He took me out, but with a child.” I replied, my words being spoken out at a slow pace to try and make Taeyong realise what I’ve been thinking. “So? You like kids don’t you?” I blinked my eyes rapidly. “I do! But don’t you know what I like better is when I see fathers taking care of their kids!” I screamed, wrapping my arms around my balled up body.

“Ah so he’s using that against you?” Taeyong questioned again and I nodded my head aggressively. Taeyong frowned and rolled his shoulder in a couldn’t-care-less kind of manner, which made me wish I could reach my hand through the screen and slap him in spite. “I’d say just lose. You know you liked him. Even before he started this. Can’t deny any of it.” Taeyong advised, his words lazily rolling off his tongue. “Yeah then what about Jaehyun? He doesn’t have feelings for me anymore.” My voice slowly lowered and softened, eventually becoming inaudible at the end.

Taeyong groaned and rolled his eyes, placing his face closer to the camera. “That’s what he wants you to think, _____. Use your brain a little. He still likes you and it’s obvious. You two should stop the games already.” I sighed and rubbed my forehead, now deep in thought as silence made itself comfortable. The video call was still left on with Taeyong getting out of bed to do some work while I sat there as if I’d never be able to sleep if I kept thinking of Jaehyun.

It’s been like this for awhile. Days and weeks of my head inconsistency thinking of Jaehyun. Some days I was mentally strong enough to push him away and did my assignments like my life depended on if. And other days, I’d be thinking too much to even function. There was something to Jaehyun. No matter what he did, whether it’d be taking me out on spontaneous dates, or reminding me of his game, he left impressions on me I’d never be able to describe in words. I was getting sick of it. This to and fro pattern. I hated how he’s been playing me. And I seemed to always fall in his trap.

Today I was reminded of the conversation I had with Taeyong. About how I had buried feelings for Jaehyun, and how he was trying to bury his but it seemed impossible. Or at least that’s what I would assume. I’d never know what’s going through that head of his. I had to do something soonee, right? I’ve had enough of us not having a clear direction in our relationship, if we even have one at all. I slowly reached my hand out for my phone that was hidden under my pile of papers that were scattered my study table. My hand was reaching out, and with bits of hesitate in the process, I finally picked it up.

“Oh.” I let out unconsciously, seeing a notification from Jaehyun asking me to meet him at a park. The park. Specifically the one I’d remember to be the most vividly beautiful park. It was perfect at night, to watch the city skyline. It was the one trip I didn’t care if I was with Jaehyun, since I had the scenery to admire. When I realised the texts were sent thirty minutes ago, I sprang up from my chair, exerting too much force that it was practically flying away from me. I quickly grabbed a coat, not exactly caring about what I currently wore and rushed out. “He still has to be there.”

I was so stupid for not thinking of wearing any thicker coat. It was the cold season, something I didn’t even bother to take into consideration when I ran out. Was this what Jaehyun was capable of doing to me? Something simple like that had me realising that he really has taken over me. I lost myself, my safety, for him. Or at least I can hope not entirely. I entered the park, sprinting my way through the cold winds of the night to head to where I knew Jaehyun had to be waiting. He had to.

My heart sank. No one was there. No voices heard, no sight of Jaehyun to be seen. I stared at the bench where I hoped to see Jaehyun sitting on. But it was empty. I stepped close to it, letting my fingertips touch the wood. It was cold. Jaehyun was never here to begin with. I swallowed back a tear, wondering why my body was even reacting like this. Why my emotions were clouding my way of thinking. I wanted to hate Jaehyun. But why is it so hard to do so? I turned around and sat down on the bench, digging my hands deeper into my coat. I took out my phone to check, no more texts. Did Jaehyun lie?

I wished I could slap myself at how ridiculous I was looking right now. Waiting in the freezing night for someone who’ll never come. Again I fell for it. I fell for him. Any exposed part of my body was bit with the cold. But if anything could ease me right now in the wait, it would be looking up at the dark sky, ink black canvas freckled with a million droplets of white paint that shined over top. The moon was glowing and had its moonlight shining on everything. I closed my eye shut after getting a good look at the view that the bench provided, my head dropping down and having it hang loosely on my neck for the longest time.

But that was when I heard footsteps. Specifically two, right in front of me. I still had my eyes closed, thinking it was just someone who was walking by. Until I heard the leaves rustling under their feet. I fluttered to my eyes open, bringing a hand up to rub my eyes to clear my vision. I didn’t need to. I knew who it was. And it was Jaehyun. “You idiot.” Jaehyun’s voice was a faint whisper, but a sharp one. When I was about to stand up, he had a firm grip around my waist, pulling me up till our bodies touch and I felt his warmth instantly. With his grip still on me, he brought me closer, pulling me into his embrace. I let myself melt into his touch and bury my face into the crook of his neck. All to feel the warmth, or maybe not.

The tears were beginning to well up, and I eventually let it fall, drying it with the sleeve of Jaehyun’s shirt. “Why weren’t you there?” I cried out, my voice muffled. “How long have you been waiting?” Jaehyun questioned, making me look up to have a proper thought. I shrugged. “Fuck you.” I muttered under my breath, but of course I did it for him to hear. The tears that were falling and making its marks on my cheeks one by one fell. But Jaehyun was there to brush each and every one away expertly with his thumb. The warmth of his palm rest against my cheeks, and I closed my eyes yet again.

“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun finally said after a long silence between us. I furrowed my eyebrows. “Sorry for what?” “Everything.” Jaehyun answered almost instantly, upfront and out there with nothing to hide in his tone. I rolled my eyes, making an attempt to pull away from him but his strong hold prevented me from doing so. “Why would you wait for me?” Jaehyun asked, and I had no energy to answer. “I’m sorry, baby.” That shocked me. Everything about it did. His words were soft and gentle, as if not wanting to harm me a single bit, wary of what came out his mouth. The eyes that looked into mine was genuine, true. His hold around my waist got came loose slightly.

“So? I mean you succeeded. You really did play me. I like you. And if you don’t, please don’t be like this. Right now.” That was my denial talking. Wanting all of this to be unreal. For this to be a dream. “It wasn’t fake. None of it was. Except for that one time I said it.” I knew what he was referring to. “Please. All this while. I never let go of my feelings for you. I’m sorry.” With each word making me feel like I could crumble to my feet, it was as if Jaehyun was still holding me there. Still making me stand. Jaehyun brought his face closer, so close that they were brushing against mine.

“Forgive me.” Jaehyun slowly landed his lips on mine. We didn’t move, and so did the world. His lips were warm against mine, soft and slick to the touch. Mine must’ve been rough from the cold, but it didn’t seem to bother him one bit. I slowly went closer as I got comfortable, pulling myself to him and resting my body on his. The world froze in its place and it seemed that nothing else mattered but me or him. With everything I went through, I was still shaky in my feelings for him. But for now, just for now, I think the two of us had the same thing running through our minds, the same heartbeat and the same love.