#maybe then I'd have SOME hope of identifying which ones I'm feeling and also why and also doing something about that

[mutipede]

Had sort of a revelation, even though it's one that I'm pretty sure I already understood on some level and probably even talked about before, but I got what feels like a reshaped and more comprehensive way of thinking about it.

I think there's two different factors to the "feeling like nothing" concept, each of which has its own explanation (encapsulated by differentiating "feeling like nothing" from "feeling like Nothing") and I'm going to have to do some thinking about how the two interact, how much of an overlap there is, and determining whether or not there's a way I can identify which is happening at a given time. But I think that'll actually be easier than I think. I hope so, anyways.

I am myself. I can confidently say this. There have been enough times where I settle into BEING MYSELF. And I remember everything.

So, I'm just gonna swallow all of my hesitation here about "oh fuck, I'm talking about controversial and discourse-y subjects that I know relatively little about, I might be wrong and others might accuse me of being irredeemable piece of shit for being wrong" and speak plainly here - I'd been wondering if I've got some plural shit going on for a while now, that wondering has turned into "yeah I think that's what's happening" and attempting to find definitions and potential explanations for things. I've thought that I wasn't the original inhabitant of this body for a long time. I just thought that didn't count since I thought I was the only one in here. I'm pretty sure I was mistaken.

Can a memory holder get frontstuck and everything else fucks off for decades lol - seriously the "I remember everything" is so fucking extreme

And I mean - "I'm not the original mind but I'm the only one here now"* is kind of an abnormal situation in itself, isn't it? Anyways long story short the point I'm at with that is, at the moment: "Original mind died at approximately 2 years old, which lines up both with when some traumatic shit likely happened (mom got divorced because she said my dad was (definitely physically maybe sexually) abusive, however mom was actually neglectful the whole time woo! Who knows if she was telling the truth! My dad died so I'll never know!) AND with my actual earliest vivid memory, which was - doing my self-gaslighting double-bookkeeping here lol - a completely innocent and innocuous event that my delusions latched onto as an explanation for why I'm a mutant centipede monster puppeting around a humanoid corpse.

So all of that shit, among other things, seems to be an explanation for feeling like Nothing. When it comes to terminology "median system" seems like it fits. What's weird is it is both a mutually exclusive dichotomy (when I'm here, Nothing isn't, when Nothing is here, I'm not) and a... gradient? Oh shit here's an analogy - it's like how noise canceling headphones detect the incoming frequencies and cancel them out by emitting the inverse of those frequencies, right? It is its own thing that both cancels me out and sometimes that's happening subtly but other times it's complete and I, as in myself, am fully not there.

So that complicated things. Because there's also the fact that sometimes, I also feel a different flavor of "not being there", and it's one that actually feels far more external than internal. The distinction is - it's like I feel like myself, I am aware that I am myself, I just...

Hmmm. How to explain.

I'm constantly adjacent to events. People don't remember me. People sometimes don't seem to perceive me. Or when they do, they can tell there's something off. I don't just mean in a "that guy's crazy" way, and I actually don't even necessarily mean in an "I'm dead and a centipede and The Thing" way. They say things that make it obvious that they're perceiving one thing when it isn't the case. Now that I think about it it's less that they're perceiving something off, and more like I can tell their perception is off. Man, there's a couple really good examples of this that I could describe but they're all long-ass personal stories that require a lot of context and this post is too long already so maybe I'll write about those later. Fuckin' made the intro longer than the post will probably be lol

It's made me feel a lot of things, notably a paranoia that my SELF is being contained or suppressed or somehow disallowed from directly interacting with existence, by some external forces for some reason, although that might be one of those persecutory delusion things. But it's also made me feel like a hologram being projected on existence, and like... Yeah, no shit, of course that's basically what is happening, why didn't I realize all of this a long time ago lol

It threw me off because I'm not literally intangible, the way a mundane hologram is. A hologram is a 3-dimensional object captured in a 2-dimensional image. I'm a 4-dimensional organism captured in a 3-dimensional existence. And that image is being interfered with. What exactly is causing the interference, I don't know. Whether being a 4D organism is rare or universal or even unique to me I have no idea. But at least I feel like I've gotten that basic foundation concept figured out and I can expand from there.

*I'm not the only one here now I'm pretty sure actually. Katja's a whole other story. I just thought I was for a very long time.

Thanks if anyone reads all these fuckin' words, and I would genuinely be appreciative if anyone hypothetically lets me know if any of this makes sense or if I'm a full of shit dumbass hah

[ratinacoat]

Sorry for this (maybe?) weird ask but. Google is not helping.

I broke some dissociation, so it’s not long (less than 3 or so hours now, averaging around 10-20 minutes). But now it’s just. Random.

I used tk be able to ‘sense’ when I was gonna float, but now it’s like I blink and the shadows are different.

Any advice? No pressure to answer, eventually I will figure it out I’m sure. It’s just bothering me.

I'm sorry to get to this so late, if you've been seeing my recent posts you'll know why. I wasn't ignoring this, just unable to respond for a bit.

This is something I can't help you fix but it's somethings I can give tips on because I understand the struggle.

Identifying triggers

This is tough but can help a lot. Try to see if you can pick up on things that have been going around when the dissociation starts. Personally, I have used a journal to log everything that happened or is happening in the moment for a while, and as I continue to write in it I look everything over and see if there are any consistencies.

Here's an example: (This is a trigger I can list because it's only an irl thing, do not list your triggers online.)

In my journal from a couple years ago I would write in it when dissociated. I wrote down where I was, people I was around, things I could see, what had been happening, etc. Over time there was a very clear consistency in each entry. I was always in a place with my dad or something that reminded me of him. Think a smell, an object, a place I associated with him. This helped me to know which things I needed to avoid or when I needed to prepare myself to be in that situation.

If there's been a change in environment or schedule it's possible that there could be something in said change that is causing you to dissociate more than before. This is a common reason I notice in people an myself. Identifying the reason you're dissociating so much is a great way to help it.

Grounding techniques

Which grounding techniques work vary from person to person. There are a lot of different things you can do and you should look into them and try different things. I'm going to name ones that seem to help a lot of people I know and me personally. Grounding helps you reconnect with your surroundings, emotions, and yourself as dissociation is the disconnect from all of that.

Engaging with your surroundings is a good way to help with this. Some people use the 5, 4, 3, 2 ,1 method. Point out 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This is good for the anxiety you may be feeling as well even if it doesn't fix dissociation. I also like to touch things around me. I'll run my hands under water, touch whatever items I'm near (table, wall, grass, etc), or I'll use a sensory toy (definitely recommend carrying these around) and focus on the texture of that. It helps to realize that you're here in the moment, your surroundings are real, and feel more present/alive.

Sometimes dissociation can make details about things hard to remember. Try reminding yourself who you are, what day/year/month it is, what the weather is, who you're with, etc. This is another good way to ease the anxiety and be more present in the moment.

There are other grounding techniques but the premise of most is to help reconnect yourself with your surroundings. Finding different ways to do this can help lessen or stop dissociation before it gets to a severe point. If you have friends wo experience dissociation I'd recommend asking them for their personal techniques as well. If you have a therapist they will absolutely be able to help you find what works best for you too and you should definitely bring this up with them.

I hope things turn around for you anon. You're not alone in this and there will be something out there that helps you, even if it's not in this post. <3

[krirebr]

I hope you get some rest this weekend and you can recover, especially with that extra half day ❤️

And I also can’t help but wonder which boss!babe would pull a move like this? 🥺

Thank you so much, friend! I'm definitely going to crash hard tonight, so I can hopefully wake up and have a productive morning before I crash hard again as soon as noon hits. 😂

As for the babe, I know this is probably the obvious choice, but one popped into my head right away. I got a little carried away here, maybe. 🤭

Maybe you're his assistant, and you've been running yourself ragged as you both prep for a big trial. You're exhausted but you've been trying hard not to let it show. He works so hard and you like helping him, like feeling like you're taking care of him. It's maybe a crush. Possibly. You're ignoring it. It's fine.

When you bring his coffee to his desk you smile and say good morning like you always do. But you can't hide the way your eyes droop or your shoulders sag. You're about to go back to your desk when Andy stops you.

"What's on your plate for the rest of the week?" Andy asks.

"Uh," you start, caught off guard. "A lot, I guess."

He just nods. "Put it into a list for me and then come back and we'll talk about you taking tomorrow off."

You splutter and object, but he stops you with a gentle hand on yours. You stare down at it. His touch is warm and soft.

"I see how hard you've been working. You need a break. I've been asking too much of you." His voice has dropped to almost a whisper and the room feels like it's gotten smaller. You can't explain why this moment suddenly feels so intimate.

"I'm fine," you say, matching his whisper. His hand is still on yours. You eyes keep trailing down to it.

"I know," he says, "but I'd like to keep it that way. Let me help you take care of yourself."

"Ok," you finally breathe, and he takes his hand away. You go back to your desk but you can't help shooting furtive glances his way. And once, when your gaze travels to him again, you find him looking right back at you, concern and something else you can't quite identify in his eyes.

[genderfluid-info-blog]

; perhaps this is too specific, but I figured I'd ask anyways !! So I've been using genderflir, but I'm not so sure it's 100% me, and if there is a more specific / accurate term for me, I would like to use it. ( you also seem to have like a info hoard of every fluid identity ever so you're my best bet /lh /pos )

; so: I'm never 100% a binary man or woman. But I do experience feminine and occasionally masculine genders, the feminine genders are almost always mixed with something else though ( i.e. Bigender, demigirl, etc ) even if they're mostly feminine. And I've realised the masculine genders are either demiboy or masculine aligned xenogenders, and never anything else. But I also sometimes resonate with agender / feeling genderless ??

; so like never binary, never 100% feminine but still more commonly feminine, and if I identify masculinely it's either demiboy or a masc aligned xenogender. And agneder also comes into the mix .. Know any labels that could be this lol ?? So sorry if it's confusing !! /gen

First off, I am so so sorry that I took this long with your ask! /gen I don't know if you were able to find a label that fits you more in the meantime, but I'll still answer this ask :) (and yeah I do kind of have an info hoard, queer labels are one of my special interests but I love that it can help other people😭🫶)

So I have a two options that I think might fit you:

Genderfloretten. Especially since this label has two common definitions! One definition is the one I describe in my post, but there is another, more specific definition: Genderfloretten is a form of genderfluidity in which someone is fluid between genders that span from all feminine genders up to, but not including, binary woman to masculine genders that go about halfway or two-thirds of the way to binary man. (You can read more about this definition on the lgbtqia-wiki)

The only other label that I know of that almost fits this is genderfirn, but unfortunately it includes binary woman in its fluidity. Maybe you could coin a related micro label without that part? (If you feel like the label might fit you otherwise and you want to of course.)

I've personally always wondered why genderfirn didn't have counterparts for people who are never a binary woman or just never binary in general.

As for the occasional genderlessness: This is usually included in many labels! Genderfloretten for example also encompasses the fluidity between agender/other unaligned genders/a-spec genders! I personally don't really know of a label that specifically includes agender in a way that might fit you, but you could always add the prefix in front of your label to make the connection clear :)

I know this wasn't a very clear answer, but I hope it still helps you in some way, sorry again for taking this long with your ask😭 <3

[mitchfynde]

sorry, i follow spot-the-antisemitism and saw your.. thread.. thing

and i just

can you please explain. cuz i'm SO confused. how you ACTUALLY feel about religion. because you've said your beliefs as an atheist are analogous to christians believing other religions are incorrect, it's just that yours extend to *all* religions. but you also say you *hate* religion. that's not the same. do you understand why that's not the same?? you can believe that people who believe in a god are, like, factually incorrect or whatever WITHOUT hating their religion. that's like. the foundation of my philosophy on religion.

like people are not mad that you're an atheist. people would not be mad if u said u think people who believe in god are incorrect. people are mad bc u say u HATE RELIGION.

antisemitism is bias against jews is bias against judaism. judaism is a religion. therefore hating religion = hating judaism = hating jews. it's literally that simple. there is no "separation of religion from culture" that can occur there. hating judaism equals hating jews. it is equivalent. like i don't know what else to say here.

the concept of religion being faith-based is literally an outlier from the norm - christianity and islam are so huge that it SEEMS like the most common experience, whereas when you actually take each individual religion and look at what they view as "being religious" those two (2) are damn near the *only ones* that base it purely on You Believe That Our Holy Texts Are True. like. most religions don't do that. & i'm sorry but that doesn't mean you get to disqualify them from being religions, because they are, literally, religions. they're the ones who decide that. not you.

i'm an atheist ex-christian myself. i KNOW it breaks your brain to learn this. it was inconceivable to me when i first learned about it. but it is the lived experience of nearly every religious person that isn't Christian or Muslim. which means that i just gotta deal with that. And I did. And I'm better for it. Do you know how freeing it is to identify with Christianity, as an atheist steeped in Christian culture and identity, and not feel like i'm betraying my religious belief in... nothing??? like?? it's so nice. it literally has lowered my blood pressure.

I'll admit, I don't have very high hopes of this getting through to you. Reading through your blog, it seems like you've already written off the entire experience as bigotry against yourself and you might honestly just delete this. But it's important to me that I at least try, because you seem like someone who's frustrated that people just aren't getting it, which makes me feel like maybe there's a way to break a communication wall and make everything make sense.

may the dust you are made of live well.

I believe religion itself is a problem. I don't care if the religion in question claims not to require faith or any adherence to a holy book. At that point, you're either an atheist to me or some third thing that I don't understand. If your religion doesn't require anything of you whatsoever, am I part of your religion?

That doesn't make sense to me and I think you guys are downplaying the whole "our religion doesn't require any adherence whatsoever" thing. What the hell is your religion in that case? You don't believe in anything? You're just an atheist with a different culture. And that's fine!

You being part of Christian culture doesn't surprise me at all, because I'm the same. I celebrate every single Christian holiday. I am not betraying my beliefs whatsoever, I'm literally just having fun with my family. If that's what you're saying Judaism is, I'd imagine a great amount of jews will likely disagree, but fine? That's not a religion to me and I don't see why me saying that needs to be offensive. That means I don't hate the religion in question, clearly.

TLDR I probably don't understand your point or maybe you don't have one. Regardless, I'm allowed to hate all religion. I don't at all care if it makes me antisemitic. If your identity is 100% tied to a religion, your group will be bigoted towards me which is happening right fucking now with my damn inbox.

[groenendaelfic]

i love YR and i love wille and simon so much but i will be a simon defender till the day i die. i can see both wille’s and simon’s POVs for how they acted but idk as poor POC simon’s actions resonate more with me. regardless, the reason why i say this is because i always see so much more wille support/simon hate online than i do vice versa. im not asking for wille hate but im asking for prepubescent girls to stop supporting wille simply because he’s an attractive white boy. i dont know—maybe im oversimplifying things but what do you think about the split between simom defenders and wille defenders?

I get it. It's not fair but I get it.

Why?

Because Simon is all of us.

I might be able to identify more with Wilhelm when it comes to many things, his personality, his anxiety, his temper... but in essence every single one of us will always have more in common with Simon than with Wilhelm.

It doesn't matter how different our lives, upbringings and the small everyday things which shaped and defined us are from Simon's. It doesn't matter how much I see my younger self reflected in Wilhelm, how much I can relate to his struggles (I mean it does, but for this specific argument it doesn't). My life will still always be closer to Simon's than to Wilhelm's.

We are Simon. Simon fucks up. Simon makes mistakes. Far reaching mistakes, and it's always easier to be self-critical and insecure than not to.

I'm Simon. But I wouldn't have done xyz! (I wouldn't, I'd either have done something worse or nothing at all, which might just be worse still.)

Simon is a teen and he makes teen mistakes. Sometimes understandable ones, sometimes stupid ones, sometimes crazy ones.

It's normal. It's relatable, it's every one of us but different. Of course it's easier to be critical of Simon. To 'hate on' Simon. He is us, but he doesn't always act like we would, nor does he act like the idealized version of the beloved character we want him to be.

He's a teenager and he's flawed and he's human. We love him and we want him to be perfect but he isn't. Of course there's Simon 'hate'. It's not okay, but I get it.

Simon is us, but he makes mistakes we, however unconsciously, think we wouldn't. We think we would do better, or at least we hope so, and so we criticize him.

It's not right, but I also get the urge to do so even if I don't approve.

Wilhelm however? Wilhelm is different.

Wilhelm is a prince. Worse, he's a crown prince and future king. He's His Royal Highness The Crown Prince of Sweden, Duke of Some Historical Province or Another.

His entire existence causes a knee-jerk reaction of defensiveness. At least it does in me.

Him being a minor who didn't choose who he was born as helps, but it's not enough. Yes, his life isn't easy. Yes he's living with pressure none of us can understand. Not the irl crown princess and not rwrb's Henry.

But he also has power and privilege and wealth the likes of which we'll never truly be able to comprehend. No matter what he chooses to do once he's an adult, he'll always have that.

Wilhelm's entire existence is a reflection of most of what's wrong with this world. I cannot in good conscience root for him and I shouldn't like him. We shouldn't romanticize and glorify royalty, not even fictional one, because all their wealth, power and privilege is built on our backs and sustained by our backs.

I should hate him, not feel sorry for him. I shouldn't empathize with him.

And yet Wille is my bb and my fav and I love him and he never did anything wrong in his life. Not ever. Wille is perfect. He deserves the world and I'll defend him and his wrongs to the very end of it and damn everything and everyone else.

Why?

Because if I start to acknowledge, in all seriousness, that any of his mistakes or wrongs are in fact mistakes and deserve (more) consequences, no matter if it's the fact that he's an objectively bad friend to Felice (I'm already getting super defensive typing these words because Wilhelm, my poor bb, had reasons and deserves to be selfish!) or that you never, ever point any gun at anyone, not ever, or any of his other numerous mistakes, then I'm opening up a Pandora's box I cannot close again.

Yes, he's a teenager and he's flawed and he's human. Yes, he makes stupid, far reaching mistakes. Yes, it's everyone else who hands him his power and privilege. Yes, it's all inherited, as is his wealth, but that doesn't make it alright.

You cannot, in good conscience, root for Wilhelm without also acknowledging or at least being aware of the inherent power dynamics at play, and I'm not only talking about Wilhelm and Simon's relationship, but Wilhelm and everyone, including his mother and the royal court and the entire government.

All three need Wilhelm more than he needs them, and once he fully realizes that he's going to be (even more of) a menace.

Wilhelm doesn't have any political power on paper, but that doesn't mean that his actions can't influence and control the entire Swedish legislature for years. That can be good, sure, at least in the long term, but it'll also take away from much needed other laws etc being discussed and passed, ones which would better the lives of many Swedes directly and immediately. That is scary, because it's real, or it could be.

Wilhelm is a minor and Young Royals is captivating, fictional escapism. But my ardent republican heart (of the non US kind) still struggles with not getting immediately defensive when talking about my love for Wilhelm, because Young Royals is also so real and realistic and a reflection of so many things which are still extremely problematic in our oh so progressive, look at how much worse all the other countries are, can't you be happy with what you've got? part of the world in ways many other shows aren't, and Wilhelm and his rank and title and entire existence are at the heart of it.

The biggest 'problem' Young Royals has is that despite the premise, it is so realistic and relatable and well done. It's almost impossible to escape into the fiction of it to a degree where you can solely focus on the cute boys falling in love and the romantic tragedy of their struggles, without also being at the very least peripherally aware of our reality being reflected in every scene.

Young Royals is romantic and hot and heart-wrenching, but it also criticizes the system and society and shows us exactly how little people like Simon, people like us, matter to the upper class, and it does so from the very first episode in which Simon tries his best to stay strong and tells everyone exactly who the country's biggest welfare receivers are. And he's right.

Simon deserves our defense, our support. But I don't feel the need to. I should, because Simon is not as strong as he wants to be, but he's also a normal teen and nothing is easier than looking down on teenagers and people we can identify with or have things in common with. We all do it all the time, willingly or not, consciously or not, thinking we're better, that we'd do better, no matter how much we love them, because not doing so would mean acknowledging our own faults and flaws, would mean we'd have to admit that Simon is doing the best he can in a way most of us probably wouldn't be able to.

Wilhelm however? I can identify with parts of him despite of everything he stands for and not because, and that is scary, because I don't want to have anything in common with a future hereditary head of state.

I don't want to sympathize with royalty, with people who can control others around them with nothing but words, worse their mere existence. People who, were I to address them in anything other than the third person and with a title, would consider me to be the rude one, as would everyone around us.

And yet I do. I do identify with Wilhelm. I sympathize with him. I think I understand him, but scratching the surface of that is dangerous, because no matter how much we need escapism in these hard times romanticizing royalty, sympathizing with them and thinking they're just like us is not only tricky but dangerous.

It's what the elites want, all of them, while they laugh at our plight and profit off of our hard work. It's what gets horrible people elected president and billionaires turned into cool, dudebro heroes. It's a slippery slope and none of them are the exception, no matter how much they try to convince us otherwise.

Of course we get defensive, of course we're so passionate to highlight that Wilhelm's mistakes are okay and are overly critical of Simon's.

Defending Wilhelm is not rational, it's not logical, and yet it is, which is why I will burn down the world in Wille's defense and serve it to him on a silver platter, because my bb deserves everything and his feelings and struggles are valid and who am I to judge. Wille never did anything wrong.

Finally, I get where you're coming from, but please don't make this about prepubescent girls. Or teenage girls. Being a girl that age is hard. Your body and feelings are changing in ways you don't understand, people suddenly treat you differently. Adults, kids, other teens no matter their gender. You are sexualized, and your intelligence and skills are suddenly only of secondary importance at best. It's scary, and even when it's good it's not safe. You always need to be wary and careful lest you have to pay a price for your joyful inattentiveness, a potentially traumatic, life changing price. Being a prepubescent and teenage girl is also wonderful and freeing and eye opening in the best way, but anything you do or say will always be reduced to silly teenage girl, even by other teenage girls, someone to be made fun of and not taken seriously, when in truth nothing requires more strength and tenacity than surviving as a prepubescent and teenage girl. So if fixating on attractive, unattainable white boys helps? Let them and don't judge, no matter your age or gender. It's not perfect, but it's safe. More, it's a safe way to explore your budding sexuality and bond with others along the way, something which is so important when nothing about being a girl that age ever feels safe, not even when you think you can do anything and know everything. That attractive, unattainable (white) boy? Be it Wilhelm or the current boygroup heartthrob of choice? He is going to reveal private things about himself (most likely made up, but that doesn't invalidate how finding out those facts makes you feel) without demanding a price, you can develop an intense parasocial relationship with him and learn and grow from it, it can help you in many ways which aren't obvious at first (I still keep up with my teenage boygroup and listen to every one of their new albums even though it's been twenty years and I've had musical anhedonia for almost as long), and he will never, ever grope you or insult you or make you feel awkward and insecure, nor will he ever pressure you to do something you're not ready for (unless it's to spend money you don't have on useless stuff you desperately need). Please don't be condescending or judgmental of prepubescent girls, especially ones having to grow up in the age of social media and smartphones everywhere. Fixating on the attractive white boy is a matter of self-defense. It doesn't mean they aren't aware of what they're doing or that doing so isn't ideal. They know. Everyone is constantly telling them and making them feel guilty about it. Please don't be one of them.

[david-tennant-wearing-things]

Okay I have thoughts on this one and I actually feel like putting them into sentences, so, without further ado: me actually writing a post without procrastinating indefinitely

My first impression, genuinely, was underwhelmed. I definitely really like it, but it didn't blow my mind like the others. (Maybe all of my anticipatory excitement before seeing it was setting the bar unrealistically high?) Initially, I assumed the designer was Mithridate—partially because I spent the past few weeks really hoping it would be—but mostly because they've designed the previous three embellished jackets and it seemed like a reasonably logical conclusion?

Some things I noticed:

1. Flowers! Mithridate's three previous looks have all been very celestial. The switch to flowers is plausible (or at least still on-theme for the Crowley vibes) but it feels a bit unlikely for them to change gears so suddenly. 2. Shawl collar, which means literally nothing aside from "a tiny bit less Crowley," but it definitely makes it distinct from the others. 2a. Sunglasses, which mean literally nothing aside from "a tiny bit more Crowley" and I think this has more to do with his stylist than anything else. 3. Where are the bugs?? Mithridate has been doing a lot with bugs (to the point that I briefly thought they might've been involved with Andrew Scott's Met Gala look. Alright, fine, Versace. You can have some bugs, too.) 4. Bead placement is a lot more focused to specific areas (lower sleeves, shoulders, lapels, and collar) opposed to Mithridate's usual all-over embellishments. 5. I zoomed in and I could actually identify the types of beads used! (mostly bugle beads) And really, credit for this should go to Shane Anthony Sinclair of Getty Images, not the designer, but on both the BAFTA Kilt and the Olivier suit, I really struggled to be able to identify specific bead shapes. This issue was also present on the suit from the Evening Standard Awards, but to a lesser extent. (if anyone has some super sharp images of any of those, I'd be forever in your debt 🥹) 6. Enter Georgia

Suddenly it all makes sense: Joshua Kane. It doesn't look like Mithridate's work because it's not. Joshua Kane shared this to his instagram story and it's really interesting to see v1! Also the images in the linked post are super sharp, so I'm definitely not complaining

Also want to note that Georgia tagged goodomensprime which also doesn't mean anything, but I still wanted to mention it 🤷

final thoughts: I like it a lot more now that I'm not trying to figure out why Mithridate suddenly changed everything. I also really appreciate the closeups of the beading on Joshua Kane's instagram (despite being a different piece) because I love the detail and I wish he'd post similar shots of David's!

[4dkellysworld]

Hi, I hope you're doing well. I'm the user who sent you the question about death and i came here to thank you. You don't need answer and i even ask you here not to answer, but if you can and want, i'd like you to read it 🙏🏻🪻

The questions of death i addressed were more about shifting into desired reality, or attaining the enlightenment of Being. I saw many concepts, sucess stories, posts and everything about "don't identify with the bodie/circumstances" and change of consciousness, go to another desired reality, void and that, that if taken in contrast attached to each different type of traumas and limiting beliefs, was very difficult. That's why i mentioned about "zombie" and attaining the Self, Absolute, through death. As if death takes us to the core of everything without illusion/traumas and any limitation holding us back not at all. Some are so tired that they want to reach the self without enduring more days and days without knowing when they will succeed; i know it may sound confusing, wrong and I'm complicating things, but i wanted to explain my point in case i confused you ((even if there's no really need to))

Maybe i'm being too impatient or we complicate things, but it's part of everyone's process. Thank you so much for your answer to my ask, i'm very grateful ((this is something me and a friend had been thinking about. We both went through this kind of thinking, she went first and i on the day i sent you the ask.. and i needed to talk about it)) but with just one post you helped with a change of perception.

When we feel welcomed, it's a blessing. Thank you very much indeed 🙏🏻💓💓

Thanks for writing back. I know you asked not to post this and I would have but I felt it necessary to address some of the things you wrote, as it might clear up some confusion and help you.

"that if taken in contrast attached to each different type of traumas and limiting beliefs, was very difficult"

I understand completely. For traumas, this was something I felt I had to address before I could let go of ego completely (I had tried before but some things are just too deeply entrenched and you need to uproot and dissolve those first). I highly recommend reading the posts under my releasing tag here as it's all based on what I personally did to release them. It's also what Lester did for his realization (he went all the way with this method actually). Honestly, the peace alone that it gives makes it more than worth it (forgetting about self-realization for a second here) but it also helped me drop a lot of ego concepts. You can apply this to any ego concepts to be dropped (including limiting beliefs) and not just trauma but I highly recommend using releasing to address and release trauma. Give it an honest try, it will help a lot.

"That's why i mentioned about "zombie" and attaining the Self, Absolute, through death. As if death takes us to the core of everything without illusion/traumas and any limitation holding us back not at all.

Self isn't something you have to attain. Ever. You already are It. Right now. Really! You can never stop being Self, even when you think you are not It. Death of ego identification is the only real solution and this does not come from death of the physical body. The ego can continue on after physical death. Only you can dissolve the illusions, traumas and limitations by dropping them.

I'm going to share some excerpts from Autobiography of a Yogi which describes the karmic process after physical death for one who has not released identification of the body-mind-ego. You don't necessarily need to believe in any of this but the understanding of the three bodies (physical, astral and causal) of a limited being is consistent from what I've read of Advaita Vedanta teachings and Lester Levenson, Siddharameshwar Maharaj and Robert Adams who are all fully realized beings have all covered this too.

“The undeveloped man must undergo countless earthly and astral and causal incarnations in order to emerge from his three bodies. The physical karma or desires of man must be completely worked out before his continued stay in astral worlds becomes possible,” my guru elucidated in his thrilling voice. “Two kinds of beings live in the astral spheres. Those who still have earthly karma to dispose of and who must therefore reinhabit a gross physical body in order to pay their karmic debts could be classified, after physical death, as temporary visitors to the astral world rather than as established residents.” “Beings with unredeemed earthly karma are not permitted after astral death to go to the high causal sphere of cosmic ideas, but must shuttle to and fro from the physical and astral worlds only, conscious successively of their physical body of sixteen gross elements, and of their astral body of nineteen subtle elements. After each loss of his physical body, however, an undeveloped being from the earth remains for the most part in the deep stupor of the death-sleep and is hardly conscious of the beautiful astral sphere. After the astral rest, such a man returns to the material plane for further lessons, gradually accustoming himself, through repeated journeys, to the worlds of subtle astral texture.” “Normal or long-established residents of the astral universe, on the other hand, are those who, freed forever from all material longings, need return no more to the gross vibrations of earth. Such beings have only astral and causal karma to work out. At astral death these beings pass to the infinitely finer and more delicate causal world. At the end of a certain span, determined by cosmic law, these advanced beings then return to Hiranyaloka or a similar high astral planet, reborn in a new astral body to work out their unredeemed astral karma.” “Just as most people on earth have not learned through meditation-acquired vision to appreciate the superior joys and advantages of astral life and thus, after death, desire to return to the limited, imperfect pleasures of earth, so many astral beings, during the normal disintegration of their astral bodies, fail to picture the advanced state of spiritual joy in the causal world and, dwelling on thoughts of the more gross and gaudy astral happiness, yearn to revisit the astral paradise. Heavy astral karma must be redeemed by such beings before they can achieve after astral death an unbroken stay in the causal thought-world, so thinly partitioned from the Creator. “Only when a being has no further desires for experiences in the pleasing-to-the-eye astral cosmos, and cannot be tempted to go back there, does he remain in the causal world. Completing there the work of redeeming all causal karma or seeds of past desires, the confined soul thrusts out the last of the three corks of ignorance and, emerging from the final jar of the causal body, commingles with the Eternal.

Now I also don't want to cause more concern by sharing this because I imagine maybe someone who reads this will be thinking "oh great, I need to go through the astral realm and the causal realm after this and work out other karma?" but it need not be so. Lester said one can become fully realized in this lifetime in the material realm here and go all the way back home to the Eternal/Absolute as a shortcut without having to go back up through the various realms individually. He also said this realm is the best for becoming fully realized because it's the worst and most hellish realm which gives us the most incentive while the astral and causal realms are a lot nicer/heavenly so there's less incentive to end the whole cycle and just go all the way Home (though there is still suffering because there are still limitations until you shed all bodies, end all cycles and return back to the Absolute).

Although this information might be comforting to someone if they don't think they can be fully realized in this lifetime but are confident they can shed their material attachments and karma since they can stop reincarnating in the physical realm at least? If anyone wants, I can share the book as some of the chapters are quite interesting although I was hesitant to share it sooner because I'm not sure if it will help or cause more confusion or anxiety about the cycles (though personally for me it gave a lot of clarity because I'm pretty sure the void state is actually being aware in the causal realm because you are still perceiving so it's not pure conciousness).

Some are so tired that they want to reach the self without enduring more days and days without knowing when they will succeed

Succeed in what? Self-realization? You are the Self right now. But I understand what you mean. No matter how much you read those words, until you have your own realization of that truth, it's not going to mean much or make much sense. You just have to surrender and accept the present moment instead of wondering when it's going to come and whether you will fail or succeed. Just give up thinking about outcomes altogether and just do what you need to do each day and it will come one day on its own without you thinking on it. Stressing about it is just feeding the ego and mind more with self-imposed limitations; it won't help your realization at all. Just stay sincere on the path and keep the faith. If you are earnest and sincere, you will definitely have your realization.

The mind will rebel in the beginning, but with patience and perseverance, it will yield and keep quiet. Here patience is wisdom; don’t think of failure. There can be no failure in this undertaking. All will happen by itself. You need not do anything, only don’t prevent it. It all comes spontaneously; you need only to hold on to the ‘I am’. It is very much like digging a well. You reject all that is not water, till you reach the life-giving spring. Nisargadatta Maharaj

[neonscandal]

Just see this in twitter by someone : "I'm starting to think maybe people should read actual BL manga. perhaps considering manga written with actual gay characters in it in addition to shipping m x m from whatever battle shounen you're into."

Like because of those subtext, there can be fanfics and fanarts, right? And then I decided to come here, your blog is really one of my comfort place....

Comfort place!? This makes me want to carve out time to post infinitely more. 🥹 Even though it feels a bit aimless, I’m glad I could cultivate that for you and hope I can continue to do so.

RE: twitter, without context, it's hard to tell whether this person is earnestly recommending people to expand their interests into BL or if they're dumping on people who tend to support and identify queer shipping across other genres.

On the one hand, heavy agree that if you appreciate queer pairings of any kind to absolutely find media and stories that shows healthy (and authentic, if possible!) representation of whatever you're into. I feel like sometimes in BL, specifically, there’s a lot of toxicity or violence passed off as romance which is why I recommend being discerning. Here are some green flag recommendations and I kind of touch on the importance of identity through engaging with queer content by way of BL's featuring fudanshi's there. Isn't always the case, but it's a storyline I appreciate.

If the poster was side eyeing queer ships in "mainstream" or shonen stories... they should grow up. I've been in and out of fandom for like.. 20 years. There have always been people who recognize and popularize queer ships. Back in the day? Characters didn't even have to share the same show, universe or genre to end up in a crossover slash fic on Fanfiction.Net.

Don't get me wrong, I've definitely needlessly explored several crack theories or made off-base assumptions about a story for the sake of trying to guess at where it’s going. But I sometimes question people's competency for reading/watching comprehension when a particularly shitty hottake is making its rounds on social media. Like are we not watching the same thing?

Subtext does exist. I don't know that all authors are as elegant or intentional in its execution but if you're not bothering to consider the possibility, you're potentially missing out on critical pieces of a story you're choosing to invest hours/years of your life into! This isn't simply as it pertains to shipping but also picking up on critical exposition (Attack. On. Titan.) or even questioning whether the information we're getting as the reader or viewer is conveyed with any sort of narrator bias. Yes, this is absolutely a My Hero Academia call out. ✨

Queer coding does exist. Tons of reasons why queer characters aren't always explicitly identified as such. More often than not, there's some form of censorship. Whether at the editing level during manga production or when it comes time for manga/shows to be approved for international distribution (re: information that's lost in translation vs outright decisions to alter the flow of the story). Most glaring example of this that comes to mind is Haruka Tenou or "Sailor Uranus"/Michiru Kaiou or "Sailor Neptune. In addition to gratuitous name changes when Sailor Moon was pushed abroad, several countries would rather portray the two as unusually close relatives despite the clear romantic undertones exhibited whenever they were on screen together. Also, IDK why, but pretty sure I'd seen somewhere that, initially the creator of Naruto did want to canonize Sasuke/Naruto but, truth be told, I've never watched the series and that could have been a fanon theory I'd seen.

Overarching messages exist. Similar to the first point, a story is seldom just a story. More often than not, you're looking at some sort of social critique or opinion that's being expressed or explored through the story. To not bother thinking critically about what you choose to spend time in enjoying is a pretty bland way to miss the point of it.

When all else fails, it's not our fault that the only relationships most shonen mangaka focus on developing is the one between "rivals". That's it. If there were more dynamic characters or literally any consideration toward the depth of intimacy between the main character and whatever tritagonist female lead the male lead inexplicably ends up with (aside from the simple rationale that "she is the girl 🎀"), then maybe fans won't have to hone in on how the only agency, equality and intimacy is between the only two characters of substance. That was a mouthful but so are the overly poetic soliloquies shonen rivals inevitably share about one another.. ✨

I'm guessing this question might be related to the last anon ask about fanfics? I agree regarding the fact that subtext allows for a richer selection of fan art and fics. I think, depending on content, the motivation for reading fics will subsequently differ. For instance, I'm less likely to read fanfics for a romance series even if I sometimes write for them because the source material generally satisfies what I wanted from them. But fix it fics, angst and romance fics for shonen/seinen series'?? I'll definitely pick them up because, 1) there are usually unexplored relationship dynamics in the source material, 2) there are alternative domestic/fluff storylines you'd never see because the genre doesn't allow for it, 3) the canon plot is usually so devastating *cough, JJK, cough* that I need a respite, and/or, 4) the developing plot tends to have a lot of holes that writers can explore to craft uniquely compelling AU's and alternative plotlines that I wouldn't imagine.

Man, it's been a while since I nerded out and really took the time to bang out a rant. I've had so many thoughts bouncing around but just zero time. Thank you for your ask and the reminder that there's someone else out there in the shipping trenches. Stay safe out there, anon!

[packedandstrapped]

Hello, I hope this is ok to send you. If not, I apologize and you can totally ignore me. I know you're not the spokesperson for butches all over the world lol, but I was hoping I could get your perspective? Advice? Insight? Not really sure, but something. So, I'm not a lesbian, I consider myself queer but if someone wanted to call me bi or pan I'd be fine with that too. Basically, gender isn't the most important thing to me. Anyways, moving on. I find myself attracted to butches, like heart skips a beat and feel flustered attracted, but from stuff I see and read, I get the feeling that most would not be interested in a bi/pan/queer woman. I know I could be completely wrong though, which is why I'm sending this. And I'm sure there definitely are butches who wouldn't be, but maybe it's not as much as I'm thinking? I'm also paranoid that people might think I'm only attracted to butches because I'm also attracted to men and butches are "like men" (I don't think this, but some might) but that's not the case at all. In my opinion, butch masculinity is very different from cis-male masculinity and I am attracted to both in very different ways. Ugh, I don't know if I'm even making sense but I hope I am. It's only been the last few years that I've been allowed to finally think about and acknowledge this part of myself and so it's all still new for me, and I'm still learning, and I guess I just feel very lost. Any feedback you could give would be very much appreciated and I apologize for the long ask.

Oh darling, this is so cute. I think most femmes I know do not label themselves as strictly lesbian. I’m not saying none do, but I find Bi and Pan labels to be far more common that straight up lesbian. So don’t worry about that piece of what you call yourself. I understand how butchness and masculinity can be attractive in folks that don’t exactly identify with our subculture but you don’t have to identify with a particular label to understand the appreciation.

To be honest, I personally would be apprehensive to enter a romantic relationship with a person who intentionally seeks and dates cis-men. Bi and Pan folks can be attracted to a wide spectrum of people within our community and I fully appreciate and support that gradient. But as a butch, cis-men are not part of my inner circle and not people I want to share my culture or my lovers with. I don’t think that’s necessarily true for all butches but it’s worth acknowledging that some of us will have boundaries there. Some of us have been told our whole lives that we’re the wrong kind of woman and not enough man, so naturally some of us are sensitive to any kind of comparison there.

One of the things I love most about femmes is the care and intention they put into the effort to channel desire directly from butches. This looks different and comes off as mildly inauthentic when it’s done in part for the male gaze as well. This isn’t to say there aren’t folks that attract both butches and men, but it’s a different approach.

I love this question and your desire to know more- I hope my honesty isn’t offensive.

[mamamittens]

You know, June is a really strange time for me.

As part of pride month, it kinda makes me reflect on my own very weird journey about my own sexuality and identity. Even now, I'm not entirely sure I have it all figured out. I just kinda ended up sliding in pieces that make the most sense.

Pieces I didn't even pick up until way later than most of my peers, though I know it's not nearly as late as many others.

I literally didn't even consider my sexuality until college as part of a preparation for possibly talking to a guy about if I was interested like I suspected he was. He was and I very much was not. Literally didn't occur to me that it was odd I'd never initiated romance or had crushes before that point. I mean, I had one. In kindergarten with my then best friend because I thought he was cute and funny.

I still remember him fondly but we didn't talk after first grade lol, so that didn't go anywhere.

Then there was the introspection and research as I realized my experience wasn't normal but also was? Like, demi sexuality isn't the norm by any means, but it's hardly crazy. Some part of me was always this way, just compounded by my asocial nature in such a way it literally never came up until one dude on the verge of taking the red pill tried smoozing me for two whole months.

And I didn't realize until near the end of that time. I just liked talking to someone new. It was nice.

Bullet dodged, he was convicted with DV charges a few years after, yikes.

Then again, summer tends to be when I do the most introspection.

Had an ongoing panic attack for June and July a few years back, which was... Something.

Realized I was very likely autistic about two years ago now, like, RAD-S score of 163 kinda likely lmao (thanks for not telling me you opted to not get me tested, mom, I appreciate the sentiment but damn would I have approached certain things differently if I knew from the start my baseline wasn't the norm).

I've come a long way from the little girl on the swings who liked the boy she considered her best friend for maybe a month. The very lost but well intentioned young college student baffled by the void of interest compared to her peers. Someone more comfortable associating with an alien avatar cause my body didn't feel right in a way I couldn't explain. It's mine, I've grown in it for so long, but I hated so much of it. It took so long to appreciate what I have. To really look in the mirror and think "that's me. It's me. Despite everything... It's still me".

I'm still not sure how much I identify with feminine aspects. I feel "female" simply because that's what I've got. And I do think I'd be a bit thrown if I suddenly was physically male (dicks sound like more trouble than they're worth, honestly). I don't think I'd hate it beyond inconveniences though.

It's just so... Casual for me? Not serious? Apathetic. If you called me sir irl I'd laugh cause it's hard to not notice my tits, but I wouldn't be offended.

As for sexuality... I like the idea of romance. Of a partner. But I've never hung my hat on an ideal partner, really. Partly because for the longest time I could never imagine anyone wanting me like that. Why would they? I'm not hideous but I'm hardly worth the trouble in any aspect. Better fish out there and all that.

Just a weird little alien looking at the stars.

But I'm working on that.

Still tooling the words to describe what it's like being "me".

It's not been smooth, this journey. I've felt silly, and stupid, and unwanted. I've hated my reflection and the numbers on a scale. Wondered what I was missing that others had and let them experience all these crucial steps to growing up.

Sometimes I still do.

But I've begun to settle in my skin like I never could before. Even the ugly parts.

Pride months is a time to celebrate and reflect on the LGBTQ+

The people, the struggles, the victories.

I'm ill prepared to do an event at this time, but I hope that you all take a moment to appreciate how far into your own journeys you are. And I hope that you all find peace in your reflections and names and labels (should you use them, change them, or even come back to them after a time), no matter how different they are from the start.

The only one who can decide what you are, what kind of person you are, is yourself. You're the one who will have to wear and walk in those shoes.

And I hope you travel far in them, and see many beautiful, wonderful things.

"...It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul."

William Ernest Henley, "Invictus", 1888

[ticktockmyclockworkhart]

I'm perhaps one of the most easy to please Pokemon fans ever. I wouldn't identify myself as a nintendo fanboy or anything even though I love a lot of their IPs (largely because the number one prerequisite to being a "nintendo fanboy" is hating Nintendo more than anything on earth it seems), but I will be the first to admit my standards are much lower than they should be. I eat up everything Pokemon related like the blindly eager little consumer I am, I've beaten every main series game and damn near every spin-off.

All this to say I think it says something when even I haven't beaten BDSP yet, and not for lack of trying. But the game bored me to tears. I've reset my saves on that game more than any other I have in the hopes that "well, maybe the next file I'll be more attached to". I can eat my way through new Pokemon games when they first come out in a few days and never put them down, but whenever I'd put BDSP down I'd have to reset my file again when I picked it back up because I no longer cared about whatever I had going on.

I've been grappling with this for a long time, trying to figure out what it is about this remake that makes it the one Pokemon game someone as easy to please as me couldn't care enough to finish. I'll be fully honest when I say I'll happily take whatever table scraps Game Freak cares to toss me and I'm not proud of that fact lol. I love Gen 4, it's one of my favorite Gens, and I actually like the BDSP artstyle too, I think it's a fun way to keep the spirit of the original games, though it really would have been cool to see Sinnoh at full scale and free to explore in 3D.

But today after another attempted replay I think I figured it out. It's the dumb. Fucking. Experience Share.

Pokemon is a turn based RPG, battling is literally the main gameplay loop and I found that I kept putting the game down because I would get so incredibly bored by the battles. None of them felt necessary and all of them felt way too damn easy. Pokemon Scarlet/Violet had this problem too, I noticed, but what got me to finish those games was I'd never experienced the story before and I wanted to see it finished. But with BDSP I know the story, so why should I finish it if the battles are such a drag? In the original Gen 4 I'd make a point of battling every trainer on every route. I'm very meticulous about my leveling and my Pokemon all need to be within one level of each other, lol. So my incentive for fighting every trainer was to keep my team at a high enough level and also to keep my levels rounded out. But with that EXP share they're always rounded, or god forbid they have different growth rates and I have to keep putting Pokemon away to prevent overleveling which just bothers my OCD more than anything lmao.

It also makes me care so much less about my Pokemon. I cared about my team because I took time to individually raise and train each Pokemon, and if I don't care about my Pokemon then frankly I barely care about the game. In Scarlet/Violet where trainer battles have become entirely optional for the most part I barely did any of them! And in BDSP all I am is annoyed by the trainer battles. There's next to no new content to keep the game interesting and give me a reason to keep playing, and when the main gameplay loop isn't even fun anymore, why would I play at all?

I was worriedly thinking that maybe I'm just getting old and it's hampering my enjoyment of the games (Terrifying thought) but I have just as much fun with ROM hacks that I did with older games. Most notably, there's no broken EXP share. Can't we at least get the option to turn it off? I get trying to find a solution to make grinding less of a miserable drag, because grinding is always the worst part of playing Pokemon, but the broken exp share hasn't made grinding less tedious, it's just made battling as a whole feel hollow and boring.

I still want to beat you some day, BDSP, I really do. Nothing makes me feel sadder than being bored by a franchise I love and I know can do better.

[distorted-illusions]

Hi, I don't know what it means to be ‘otherkin’ or ‘alterhuman’, or an “IRL” or “DA” really. I don't understand and I want help and to find people I can talk to and relate to what I'm going through. I have tried to do research on all of these, but I still don’t feel like I understand, and what I do understand doesn’t completely feel like me. So I was hoping if you saw this, you could read my experience and give me advice.

I have maybe like four ‘others’. Others being ways I view myself, or find myself viewing/identifying as. 

I just feel so disconnected from the real world. I really struggle to feel real. Sometimes that means dulled to no emotions. And then because I don’t feel real, I'm impulsive cause I don't think of the consequences of my actions.

I sometimes confuse dreams with reality. It is a problem I have a lot. Dreams of my mother abusing me which didn’t actually happen, but affect my feelings towards her in the real world and cause me distress.. Sometimes I dream of a regular day in life, with maybe a few signs it’s a dream, but I think it’s real, and then have to be devastated when I figure out it’s a dream or wake up. Sometimes I get stuck in a loop of me trying to will myself to wake up from a  dream, and it will seem like I’ve succeeded, only for me to wake up again and again to it still being a dream.

I just feel really disconnected from life. All the time I'll just suddenly "pop" or blink and be like "oh wait yeah this is real... Do I feel real? How do I feel right now? Is this how a normal person feels? It feels so weird."

I almost 100% think I used to experience a lot more dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization, clearly from like a year ago when I was in public school, but now it feels less. Like I certainly feel disconnected, but I have had way worse. And maybe I’ve gotten more used to it that it just became a new normal. 

I'd say the best way to put it, is that I feel like I have past lives. I feel like I've been abused and tortured and all this stuff has happened to me, but that's not real life and that didn't happen. Do I have perfect memories of these past lives or whatever, no. My dad just says I'm extremely empathetic to people who have experienced things, but if thats so, then why does it feel like it hurts me so much.

For all my “episodes” of feeling like an “other” I feel inhuman, unreal, and out of place in the world. I feel I struggle to be human. I struggle to be the girl I’m supposed to be, because suddenly I’m not her, and I don’t know her, I don’t know what she would do.  I have her memories but they don’t feel like mine.  I feel like a ghost watching. I'm an NPC that's not been programmed. I'm here and awake when I'm not supposed to be.

My main/recurring ‘others’

- 1. The angel. My episodes include me feeling/believing that I am some fallen imprisoned angel that was given a job to become host of this body. I sometimes feel like I'm supposed to have wings, but that part isn't always constant. I feel like I’m supposed to ‘carry the burdens’ of the original host’s life. 

- 2. The doll. Similar to the angel, I am a doll that was chosen to become host of the body. I am a doll who is supposed to follow orders and bring joy. This one used to be much more prominent as I was a child.

- 3. The creature. This one is sort of a general descriptor for feeling inhumane. My head feels off a lot, like I'm supposed to have like anime girl cat ears, but there are none and so I feel off. I feel off in the family and more like an object or pet. Mainly object.

- 4. Weirdest one, please don’t laugh or call me cringe, but C!Tommy. It's not like the others where I feel like I've been given the mission to be host and protect. It's like I feel like I am c!Tommy sometimes. Like I can remember parts of exile and being hurt and tortured. Like my life as me was never real and that I am c!Tommy and was him in another life. I know I'm not him, but I also feel like I am. When I feel like I am c!Tommy, I like he/him pronouns. Which usually for me I feel more nonbinary-woman aligned. I know I’m not a boy/man, but part of me feels like I am. It’s like there are two me’s, one that is the actual me(host?) and one that believes she is c!Tommy (The delusion)

And I think one of the worst parts of all of these, is feeling like I have or that I have a strong connection to being abused. And like I just can't remember it. Remember all the details. But reading about stuff, it all just hits a little too close to home. I don't feel like I'm just being empathetic.

So yeah I just get into states where I don’t feel real. And sometimes during that state, I feel like I am an ‘other’. Not even sometimes, it is like always like this. It’s like “I don’t feel real right now….. What does real feel like? I am ____. I know I am not. But also I am.” These two me’s battling inside. One the believer (delusion) and me (The doubt/reality)

I don’t know how to put it, it’s like when ‘I don’t feel real’ I am waking up from a dream. The dream was whatever I was doing before I “woke up”. The experience I just went through doesn’t feel real. That doesn’t feel like real life. Now doesn’t feel real either, but at least I’m ‘awake’ and not ‘part of the matrix’. 

So yes I feel like. “Yes I am an angel. That is who I am” and then sometimes I go to’ sleep’ and feel like I’m a human. But when I “wake up” I am not human. I am usually an angel (most common ‘other’ feeling). I tell myself I am not an angel, I know it’s not true, but part of me believes I am an angel and I can’t stop believing it. 

And thats how it usually is. Usually there are the two of us. Me(delusion) and myself(reality), we’re fighting for dominance, and we feel so out of place in life. We want to go ‘back to sleep’ but even that doesn’t feel all that much better. When we’re ‘sleeping’ we still feel some level of unrealness/unreality, we’re just not acknowledging it or completely aware of it. 

Then, it’s only happened a few times, not many I can remember, when we’ll have a full episode. where me(delusion) takes over and we 100% feel like an ’other’. We don’t immediately panic like we don’t know where we are. Cause usually when this happens it is one of the other’s that believe they were tasked with becoming the new host, and so being here wouldn’t be so strange. But when it happened with c!tommy, I kinda just blinked my eyes, and was like “I am c!Tommy. What am I doing here?” and I(Tommy) was aware of a decent amount of information regarding the body, but I was Tommy. And I couldn’t stop thinking about exile enough to think about much more. just “Oh yeah I exist in this girl’s head, not really sure why, but I’m Tommy, and- Oh gosh exile was awful! I’m so happy I’m not in exile right now! And!-oh, but what about my friends…. But at least I’m not in exile!” and then when the episode ends, I(reality) wake back up and am like “what the fudge was that. That doesn’t feel like me. These memories don’t feel like mine. But that clearly just happened….”

And during some of these I don’t know how to describe them, call them, almost manic psychotic episodes, sometimes I also become obsessed with something like DID, and start thinking “Yes I must have DID. this must be what this is!” and then again, I’ll ‘wake up’ and be like. “No you don’t, silly.” or “what was I talking about? Of course I don’t have DID.” and again all my memories of when the episode was happening feel distant and not 100% mine. 

I just never feel real, and my memories always feel distant and like they don’t belong to me. And I can’t function or live my life! And I know I must be going through some sort of psychosis, I’m in the process of trying to get a doctor to talk to me, but I wanted to ask the internet. Do I fit ‘kins’ or IRL/DA ? I just want to meet some people that have an inch of understanding of what I’m going through. 

I don’t understand what it means to have a spiritual connection to something. I feel like I relate to something, and I feel like I am it, but I know I’m not. Yes I use the “past life” card to try to explain it, but I don’t actually believe in past lives, and Tommyiinnit definitely wasn’t one of them. And I also don't believe there is a parallel universe where the dsmp was real.

Thank you for any help or advice you can offer. And I'm sorry if anything I've said has upset you. Sincerely. 

[cogentranting]

Hi, I don't know you and you don't know me. But I discovered your blog through the rating animated horses posts (all of your ratings are perfect btw) and scrolled through out of curiosity. I am a gay trans man and have had some unpleasant experiences with Christians in the past. I know not all Christians are as cruel as they were, but it's easier to believe it when I witness it. I know this is a strange ask but I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You seem like a kind individual who would treat my community like real people. I don't know what your views on us are, but I'm certain you would treat us like anyone else. Thank you for being kind in this terrifying world ♥♥♥

Hi. Thank you so much for this. It means a lot to me to hear you say this.

I do believe very differently than you about matters of gender and sexuality. I have theologically conservative, orthodox Christian beliefs about those things. In short, that sex should be within marriage, which is between a man and a woman; and that there are two genders which are fixed and in line with our biology. That's maybe not the best expression of it, but I'm not trying to lecture you or preach at you or anything, I'm just trying to be clear so that it doesn't come across that I'm either trying to deceive anyone or hiding my beliefs. And I'm figuring that you know the general gist of it. But if you (or anyone else) wants to know more about what I believe on that and why, I can certainly talk about it.

I've gone back and forth the last couple days since you sent this, over what to say and how much to say. Because I really do care. i care very deeply. I've had a fair number of students who identify as gay or trans or nonbinary, and whenever anything comes up related to these issues they are the ones that I think about. Their names, their faces, their stories. And I worry about them, and I hope that they're safe, and happy and taken care of. And when I disagree with them about things like the concept of gender, it's because I truly, deeply believe that they are the ones being harmed by those ideas and that kills me.

I have a lot of strong feelings about the transgender movement and ideology (for lack of a better term) because I really believe that it's doing a lot of very real harm (spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical) to people who are vulnerable and struggling and who are just trying to figure out how to fit in and how to be themselves and all of that. People like my students and (without making any assumptions about you or your situation) you.

I think there's far too much assumption of ill will on both sides. I think that most people who share your beliefs and ideology really are trying their best to help people be safe and happy. And I think that most people who share mine (who truly share mine, and not some twisted version, because I'd say there's also a false dichotomy that makes it into two different positions and not a wide range of people believing a wide range of things)-- that most people who share mine also want those same people to be safe and happy.

I do also know that there are far too many Christians and people who call themselves Christians, who respond with anger and mockery and cruelty (or are even just well-meaning but incautious and insensitive). And I'm sorry that you've had to deal with that, and I hope that your experiences in the future are better.

I'll be praying that you are safe and taken care of, and that you will get to see God's love in a way that the Christians you've known in the past have failed to represent to you.

I hope that I haven't said anything to sound unkind or judgmental or like I'm lecturing you, and if I did I'm sorry because that was not my intention. Thank you again for your incredibly kind words, and I'm glad I was able to make you smile with some ridiculous horse jokes. Happy New Year.

[ghoulangerlee]

if i could ask without it being rude. . .

what/when did you realize you were nonbinary?

lately i've been wondering if the gender binary fits for me and i was just hoping you might have some answers or guidance or something

anon this is not rude at all! i am always open to talk about my experiences with gender identity! thank you so much for feeling safe enough to come to me, I do hope my answer sheds some light on things for you.

please excuse any spelling errors bc I am currently typing with one eye open haha. (also under a read more bc i got wordy sorry I hope this helps!! I'm here for you anon!!)

So, I was about 19 when I realized that 'girl' didn't really fit me? Looking back I think it might have always been like this, but I grew up in a small southern town where the only out gay person was bullied so relentlessly that he left town and we never saw him again.

So, 19, I come across this tumblr account that centered heavily on genderfluidity, and for a while that identity felt safe to me? I've always been more masculine leaning in general, from a very young age and at the time (this was 2011) genderfluid seemed right. I would fluidly slip between masc and fem and it all felt comfortable and safe and nothing like I'd ever experienced before. Small town me finding out there was more than just gay, lesbian, bi and trans? (trans here in the sense of transgender like, trans man or trans woman).

So yeah, I think at that point for me though, I just lost my mom, I was dealing with a lot of stuff and I didn't have the bandwidth to look too far into anything beyond something that finally made sense in my brain. So while I do still stand by me ID'ing as genderfluid for a few years, it never actually felt right. And you know? That's okay. It was sort of a stepping stone for me, I think. To look more into other gender identities. Because at that time, beyond genderfluid I only knew of trans men and trans women, in like I guess the binary gender sense?

To preface this, I know that definitions of transgender has changed over the years, this is just my personal experience with all of this, which is why some of it may come off as idk outdated?

Anyway, while I ID'd as genderfluid, I went by a masculine nickname and still used she/her pronouns just because I didn't really consider using anything else. Someone once referred to me using he and that sorta felt okay? But also not...right? At the same time. Like it felt better than she, but in the sense that it was a little off to the left of better. Not a perfect fit, but an okay one.

Honestly I could probably dig deep enough on my blog and maybe find some ramblings from that time if I tried hard enough, though I can't for the life of me figure out what I'd have tagged it haha.

So, I don't exactly remember what finally brought on nonbinary other than once I told someone that I didn't really feel like a person? I felt more like a genderless blob so to speak, and that she/her and he/him didn't really feel right to me.

And that friend was like 'well what about they?'

And then someone referred to me using they and everything sort of clicked into place right after that.

My experiences with gender have been quite turbulent, in the past I've dealt with heavy gender dysphoria because I had this idea in my mind that I needed to look androgynous in order to identify as nonbinary. That I wasn't nonbinary enough if I had tits. I binded for several years and fucked my ribs up with it because I am also fat. So, in I would say 2013 is when I finally started using nonbinary? So internet culture led me to believe I needed to be thin and have a flat chest in order to be the right kind of nonbinary, because otherwise I was just a woman.

I still get called she/her in my real life, other than my husband and our friend who both use they/them when referring to me. But, I've learned these past several years that nonbinary doesn't look a certain way? That I don't have to be more masculine leaning in order to ID that way. It feels right, when people use they/them and when they call me Lee, which is why I typically introduce myself that way, other than doctor's offices, and other official places use my birth name.

It took a lot of growing for me, because I had so many negative ideas about femininity and how I could also navigate that while being nonbinary. I refused to wear makeup for the longest time because I thought that that meant I was just faking it, and being a woman.

I've always wanted to be feminine but in the same way that like, a masculine person can be feminine, I guess? So like, in a 'cis man wears a dress and makeup' sort of way if that makes sense.

And I had this idea that I couldn't do that, otherwise I was just a fake nonbinary person?

What ultimately helped me was in 2016/2017 when I worked for Home Depot, my head cashier actually lead a local lgbt+ group and she immediately latched onto me not being straight or cis. Again, this was the south so there was a little bit of growing pains, we all ended up sitting down and talking about gender identity, I talked with some older people who were nonbinary and it opened my mind to start viewing things in a way that like, helped me, I guess?

Like, yeah, makeup is traditionally worn by a woman, but because I am not a woman, wearing makeup does not make me a woman. Just as wearing traditionally masculine clothing, does not make me a man. It just makes me a person wearing make up or a person wearing clothing.

I think overall, if I would have stayed on the internet and kept listening to those people who say that you have to look/be a certain way in order to be nonbinary, I wouldn't have probably reconciled my own issues with how I perceived myself vs nonbinary.

Overall, I'd say start small, the first thing I did was use neutral pronouns, this isn't to say you can't use neopronouns if those feel right to you, or use something like he/they or she/they bc a lot of nonbinary people do that too.

It's okay to experiment with gender. It's okay to tell your friends that you want to be referred to using only neutral pronouns, or a set neopronouns, or what have you. See how that feels.

Take a step back and look at how you perceive certain things, when I was finally able to let go of the idea that things had to be gendered, and that those gendered things only fit one particular gender, it made things so much easier for me.

I stopped hating my chest. Like I'd said earlier, I binded for a while, and it was so uncomfortable, but I Felt like I had to just because of what I'd heard the uh "gatekeepers of gender" say. But now? finding a bra that fits nicely and accentuates my chest? Euphoric.

None of that makes me a woman. I am just a person, and I like things.

Living in the south, good luck with me trying to ever explain this to people around here. So I'm out, but I'm not explicitly out I guess. If people clock it? Good for them. If not? Oh well. I don't really correct people on my pronouns, just because I've finally reached a point where I'm okay with it. My sister and brother in law still call me by my birth name and that's fine too. Because in my head, my name is Lee and my birth name is just a nickname that they have for me.

And again, all of this came with time. With several years. I started this when I was 19 and I'm 31 now, so it took a decent chunk. It's important that you've got a good support system too. And honestly, I'm here for you anon. If you ever need to talk, or vent or anything, my askbox is open. If you wanna come off anon and dm me? Sure.

I can even give you my discord if you'd prefer that.

Navigating gender can be scary, but, it'll be okay. <3

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

me to me to me to me

alright, we knew this was coming

sick + loss + uncertainty + challenging obstacles + more loss

perfect formula for the big sad

who is going to try and convince you

the only safe place in this world is under your covers

the furnace is being a bitch again so it's convincing

the moving out situation is actually ideal

just take what you want and leave all the trash

no consequences and they'll take all of it

better than leaving most of your apartments

you handled the car thing with minimal skill regression

identified the problem made a call got it fixed and paid

he even came in half blind to make it work for the weekend

you're not burning out you just have a cold

though it does get really scary when our energy levels tank

the dog won't have to get sick anymore taking your pain

you've had good conversations with theo and he's ready

we can use today as a last day to recover but tonight

we have to pack up all our books and put them in a suitcase

so it's easy to carry them because they'll be heavy

everything will be made easy to carry

I don't have to feel guilty for what I have to leave behind

which means our bed because so many toddlers

have peed on it that the memory foam has to be rancid

I got it after I escaped the first time so me and my twins

that aren't twins could all sleep together in it

when I left they were both in diapers

it's so much like the first time that it aches everywhere

that could just be the cold though

last night I felt so empty inside and it was a little scary

I could only feel the emotions of others like I was a ghost

I wonder how long or how many times I felt like that

now I'll stop wondering because the answer won't help

It feels like I used to be so much better at this stuff

but I also know I didn't really feel things either

I'm not panicking and the walls aren't closing in

I hope that's not just because of the cold

to be honest I'd take depression over anxiety any day

the moon was full and gorgeous last night

I sat under it for awhile and pretended we were trading secrets

mostly I wanted to close my eyes and rest for a bit

I'm not full of fear or dread but everything feels muted

I got to really sink into an embrace for a bit which was nice

books today and whatever else I can put in a bin

saturday I can have the kids each fill one from their rooms

they each have beds and mattresses and gavin's desktop

I don't even know if I want to keep my dresser

I love my blue desk that reminds me of the tardis

most of my furniture I found on the street

it feels wasteful to leave it but I don't want the memories

I have the good ones in photos and little things

everything is a little broken anyways which is

likely why it was thrown out in the first place

but I have a thing for cast offs and orphans

it's weird to be so sad about something I wanted

maybe if I let the sad flow through me the hype will return

there's so many things that make this easier than other times

each right move and step forward will unfold the path

it feels like I've been walking on a dark invisible path

for quite awhile but when I look back it's like I

was guided along by fireflies the whole time

I just have to keep going and facing all the stuff

I think I'm scared of because like the mechanic

usually after I take care of it I realize I'm not scared of it

have to be mindful of my mental state and not focus

on where I'm lacking or lead that way because while

I could assume everything will be awful I can just as

easily assume everything is going to be so much better

and to be honest it wouldn't take much to be better

so betting on better is not silly gamble to make at all

maybe I should go to temple tomorrow and get good energy

maybe bring kuan-yin some kind of offering

people always put flowers on her toes in the spring

just have to keep my spirits up and get the work done

now I know I can still sing even when I'm sick

not as well as I like but that makes sense

just keep walking through everything

somehow I got this