#maybe one day my future ex-wife will shoot me <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[rated-r-for-grantaire]

it turns out i do still very much ship hamburr

[smol-and-grumpy]

Legally Yours - Ch. 26

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Dean Winchester tops the list of hottest entrepreneurs 2020 and yet, there’s still something he wants but can’t have because, in order to get that, he would have to settle down and get married. She agrees too quickly because she wants to secure a more comfortable life for her and her daughter. Will she be able to help Dean get what he wants without losing herself in the fake story they spin up to deceive his father and the world?

Chapter Warnings: We’re still at the angst, because someone’s obviously still an idiot. We also might detect some jealousy. 

WC: 4214

Beta’d by: @deanwanddamons​​​​​​​​ <3

This series is complete on Patreon

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Five days later, she’s sitting in her kitchen, job application website open on her laptop while Bobby’s at work and Olivia’s at school.

The first night was hard on the girl. Olivia crawled into bed with her, spinning up tales that she missed her toys they left at Dean’s but she is sure that a part of the little girl’s heart is aching for Dean because hers is too. 

Y/N hasn’t heard from him and it took everything in her not to shoot him a message and ask him how he’s doing. She’s fairly certain that if she would choose to go down that road, she’ll get weak and that’s against the new rule that she’s set up for herself in order to protect herself and her family.

Donna sent her a text when she arrived back at her old apartment, asking how her honeymoon was going and when Y/N told her that she’s back, Donna offered to come over. They sat around the tiny kitchen table with boxed wine between them, drinking and talking. Yeah, boxed wine. Over are the days of cheap bottles. Well, she reckons she could afford it with the money from the marriage contract but she’d rather not as she has a future to think about. 

She didn’t sulk, didn’t allow herself to. She needed to be strong for Olivia and keep it all together. Her friend parted with a promise to help her find a man who she deserved. She only smiled. Couldn’t find it in her heart to say that she’s not looking for a man, that she thinks that Dean’s ruined her for all other men, that she’s most likely destined to be alone forever. At least she has Liv, and honestly, that’s all that counts. God, she’s so glad to have that little girl. She would have been broken beyond repair if it wasn't for Liv. 

While she touches up her CV at the kitchen table where she poured her heart out to Donna the evening before, her phone starts to buzz next to her. Her heart jumps. She hates the buzz of her phone because she’ll always think that it could be Dean and when it’s not him, she will always feel so deflated. Somehow, she’s okay with the situation but a little part of her still hopes that he would change his mind and come back to her. 

This time it’s no different when she looks at her phone. If anything, it’s even worse. Sam’s calling. 

She debates on not picking up but decides that she has to because he’s probably calling about the annulment. It’s really the only thing left that keeps her tied to Dean on a contractual level, and after she signs that, it’s like the marriage never existed. 

“Sam?”

“Yeah, uh, hi, Y/N,” The man can be heard on the other end. A little breath leaves him, and she can imagine that he’s smiling. Ever the friendly Sam. She can’t lie, she misses him too. 

“You’re calling about the annulment?” She gets straight to the point. There’s really no point in stretching this out unnecessarily. 

“Um, actually no. Dean’s not really talkative and he’s not going to sign it.” 

“What do you mean he’s not going to sign it?” She doesn’t understand, has a hard time wrapping her head around it. Why did Dean still want to be married to her when she walked away from him? There’s no point in pretending anymore and she has made up her mind. The only way she’s going is forward and not back. She wants to move on. 

“Don’t worry about it. He’s only been back two days, I need time to talk him through it. We should have the annulment finalized by Monday, I promise.” 

“I trust you,” She says into the receiver, because she does. If someone can talk sense into Dean, it will probably be Sam. “How is he?” 

“Do you want to hear the truth or do you want me to lie to make you feel better?” 

“Lie.” 

“He’s doing great.” 

“That’s good.” 

Sam snorts, “Well, I knew you'd feel better if you knew that he’s doing okay without you.”

“You’re right. I don’t want him to feel bad but somehow I also want him to, you understand?”

A burst of laughter rumbles on the other end, “I know,” Sam replies, “He’s a gigantic dick, Y/N. I think he knows that and he’s beating himself up for it. He’s been back at work for two days and according to Rowena, it’s hell. He doesn’t talk to anyone and if he opens his mouth, it’s to shout at people.” 

“Wow, he’s coping well.” 

The man laughs again, “Dean’s never been good at taking rejections. He’ll get over it, eventually. Someday. Maybe. Well,” Sam pauses and exhales loudly, “Tell you the truth, I don’t think he’ll get over it. I’ve never seen him like this and it scares me, hence me calling you.” 

Y/N feels sorry for him. And there she thought that she was miserable without him. Somehow it gives her a little satisfaction to know that he’s doing just as bad, if not worse. Can anyone blame her to feel like this?

“I’m not going to go back to him just so that he’ll stop being an ass to other people.” 

“That’s not what I was going to ask you about.”

“Ah, why beat around the bush, Sam. What is it?”

Sam sighs, “Okay, as you might know, Dean hasn’t told anyone that you two broke up.” 

“Why am I not surprised?” She hopes Sam can feel through the phone how hard she’s rolling her eyes right now.

“Shush,” Sam scolds  and continues before she can say sorry for interrupting him, “He has a charity gala to attend tonight, and it would be great if you would accompany him.”

The bark of laughter that leaves her mouth is hard to hold back, “You what?” 

Sam’s not laughing, “I mean it, Y/N. He’s not doing great and he has to attend. Technically you are still his wife and you have a contract, so..”

“Oh, please, don’t come at me with a contract, Sam. Dean told me that I’m allowed to walk away. He said that he doesn’t need me to get the shares. He wasn’t the one stopping me when I walked out on him, so tell me, why should I do this? Why should I pretend when I don’t have to anymore?”

“Because you still care about him,” 

Sam’s answer is a hit to her heart. She does. She cares so fucking much but also, that means that she’s not going to give in because it’s time to put herself first. She can’t hold herself together for Olivia’s sake when there’s nobody backing her up. She won’t go through this again. 

Of course Sam’s on Dean’s side. He’s friendly to her but if Sam would have to pick sides, it would always be Dean’s. 

“I’m sorry,” She says, her voice shaking a little. No, she’s not going to cry. Not again. Not anymore.

“Okay,” Sam relents too easily, “Can’t blame me for trying.” 

“No, I can’t. Dean’s lucky to have you as a friend.” She means it. 

“I’ll come to see you as soon as Dean signs the papers, Y/N.”

“Thank you.”

“Take care of yourself and Olivia, okay? And tell me if you need anything.”

“I will, Sam. Thanks.”

“Goodbye, Y/N.”

She hangs up before she can say goodbye. The phone drops onto the table and she’s back to burying her face into her arms as she sobs. 

*

 For the next five weeks, Y/N  tries to avoid looking at tabloids pages, instead, concentrating on Olivia and helping to ease the little girl back into her old environment. 

Of course there have been texts from Donna telling her that there’s no news from Dean, at least not with another woman. She knows that she shouldn’t care about it, because if he wants to date again, it’s his right, but somehow, she can’t help but feel the pinpricks in her heart. It’s not something bad but something good because it keeps her hopes alive for a while. After she was reluctant to answer Donna's text about Dean in the first two weeks, her friend has decided that she doesn’t want to update Y/N anymore. Which is also fine with her. The less she’s reminded of Dean, the quicker it will be to get over him.

She snorts out a laugh at that thought. Yeah, right. 

Bobby has been weird the last two weeks too. He went out to meetings, saying it has something to do with his union but she knows that he doesn’t even have a union so she really doesn’t have any explanation for the two to three times the man went AWOL when he should be home but again, it’s nothing that should worry her. Bobby is still young enough to have his own life. She guesses that it has to do with a new lady friend maybe. Maybe Bobby’s being cautious too, maybe he doesn’t want her and Olivia to know when things aren’t steady with the two. She couldn’t blame him for thinking like that.

Tonight is the first time in over a month that she feels comfortable enough to leave the security of her own home. Perhaps Donna has something to do with it, begging her to finally go out and face the world, and Y/N can’t lie that Donna’s not right. It’s time to face it like a grown-up. She can’t be buried in her four walls forever. She eventually has to go out and socialize. She’s been going out a lot for interviews but that’s about it. No company has called her back yet, though. Thankfully, she still has more than enough money to get by. 

As soon as she arrives at The Roadhouse and Donna sees her, the woman is quick to be by her side, “I have a surprise for you!” 

“Oh no,” Y/N rolls her eyes, “I hate surprises.” 

“It’s not bad, I just thought, you know,” 

“Donna,” She warns her friend. Somehow, she doesn’t like where this discussion is going. 

“There’s this guy, I invited him. He’s nice, so be nice, okay? He’s not going to be the love of your life, I know that too but you should put yourself out there, just a drink, okay? It will broaden up your horizon, maybe get your ex-husband out of your mind for a little bit.” 

Jesus, Donna’s talking a mile a minute. She barely understands what the woman is raving on about.

“What?”

“There,” Donna pulls her close, points a finger to the booth where Garth is sitting with someone whose back is turned to her. 

“Oh, Donna, no!”

“Why, Donna yes!” The blonde exclaims cheerily before placing her hands on Y/N shoulders and pushing her towards the booth. “His name is Cubbie.”

“Cub-what?” 

“It’s a nickname, Y/N.”

“If that’s the nickname I don’t wanna know about his real name.”

“Cuthbert. Cuthbert Sinclair, if you wanna know. He’s a magician.”

“That’s great. Super.” Y/N groans and turns around towards the exit but Donna’s hand is firm around her shoulders, guiding her back to where Garth is already standing up to make room for her. 

“Hey, Cubbie! This is Y/N, the woman I talked to you about.” Donna’s all smiles and somehow, Y/N’s hand itches to hurt her friend.

“I’m Y/N,” She says then. The only way is forward now. 

Cubbie, still what a fucking weird name, stands up and his hands immediately go to her arms and pulls her closer to press a wet kiss on her cheek. 

Ew. Oh no, this won’t end well. 

Reluctantly she sits down, wonders how long she has to sit here until she can get up and leave without being too rude. 

She lets him buy her a drink and he orders fries to share between them while they talk. It’s not exactly bad but they just share small talk about the weather and where they’re from.

“So, you’re a magician?” She tries to sound like she’s interested, wanting to get into the deeper conversational territory.

“Yeah,” Cubbie reaches over and strokes her hair behind her ear and when he sits back up, he shows her the coin that he apparently pulled out of her, a bright smile dotes his face. She does her best to resist the urge to roll her eyes. 

“Good god,” She exclaims and the man laughs. 

He goes on to tell her about magic, which she again, has no interest in listening to. Jesus, the man can talk. While she debates on maybe hurting herself with a toothpick to have a fucking reason to get out, Cubbie excuses himself to go to the bathroom but before he goes, he leans down next to her, “How about we’re doing a little disappearing act, huh?”

“Oh god,” She huffs out but Cubbie doesn’t get her blatant disinterest. He just smiles at her.

“Think about it, I’ll be right back.”

Good riddance, is what she wants to say but doesn’t. Instead, she smiles a faux smile.

While he’s gone, she takes out her phone, shooting Bobby a text that she’ll probably won’t be that long when he feels someone is taking a seat in the booth opposite of her. 

“Back alread—”

The word won’t come out because it’s not Cubbie who’s sitting across from her but Dean. 

He has a cap on his head, is dressed casually in a black t-shirt underneath a blue plaid shirt. There are faint black circles under his eyes. He has shaved off his beard but from the length of the stubble, she can tell that he’s in the process of growing it out again. 

“C’mon, Y/N, seriously? That guy?” He asks, sounding offended, and honestly, it’s not what she really wants the first thing out his mouth to be after not being on speaking terms for over a month.

“It’s none of your business, Dean.” She snaps at him. 

“You’re right. It isn’t.” He agrees, “What is he? An accountant?”

“He has a name and he’s a magician.”

Dean barks out a laugh and even though it’s mean, she can’t help but smirk with him. 

“His name is Cubbie.” She adds, which earns another hearty laugh from Dean.

“Cubbie the magician?” He cocks an eyebrow.

“I don’t know if he has a stage name,” Y/N shrugs, “He asked me if I wanna do a disappearing act with him.”

“Oh, he will disappear, alright,” Dean growls angrily. 

She can’t read him. Why is he here, why is he crashing her blind date? So she asks, “Dean, what is this? Why are you here?” 

“I’m here every week to see if you’ll be here.”

“You know that there are phones, right?” 

“Would you have answered the phone if I called?” He challenges her and she holds his gaze. He’s right, she probably wouldn’t, even if she was hoping that he’d call but she doesn’t think that she would have picked it up because she doesn’t know if her heart can take what he’s going to tell her over the phone. “Yeah, I thought so. How’s Olivia?”

“She’s good. She enjoys being back at school. She’s going on a field trip in two weeks and I think I’m going to go along to chaperone.” 

Honestly, Y/N has no idea why she’s telling him that. Why she easily falls into a conversion with him about little things. But it feels easy, it feels like meeting an old friend. Someone where she can just pick up where they left off, even if they haven’t seen each other for a long time. Dean was her friend, she can’t deny that, and she guesses the reason why she feels at ease is that her heart can’t forget it either.

“I can do that, too,” Dean suggests without even thinking twice.

“Dean, she’s none of your concern, we’re fine without you.” Her words might be too harsh but he needs a reminder that not everything revolves around him. 

“Great.” He mumbles as Cubbie comes back from the bathroom. The poor guy stands there and is a little irritated by Dean’s presence. 

“You ready to leave?” Cubbie asks, straight up ignoring Dean’s presence and she has to give him that. It takes balls. Dean’s not someone who can be ignored. He’s tall and broad and yeah, awfully good looking. 

She stands up, nodding her head. Even if she has no intention of going anywhere with Cubbie, she also knows that she can’t stay here with Dean.

When she walks away, Dean holds her back by her wrist. The touch of him is almost too much to bear and she stills, has to close her eyes as she tries to breathe evenly. 

“You’re leaving with him? Seriously?” 

Opening her eyes to look at the source of the voice, she can clearly see the irritation on Dean’s face. 

Pulling her hand from his hold, she brings it close to her chest, fearing that she’d reach out if she let her heart decide over her mind, “It’s none of your business, Dean. You had your chance but you blew it. I’m trying to move on.” 

Dean stands up too and he’s close. The warmth radiates from him. Her body betrays her a little, sways a little closer to him. Cubbie is a couple of steps ahead but he stalls and looks back, waiting for her to follow him out. She wants to, she really does, it’s just so hard to move when the magnetic pull of Dean wraps itself around her. 

“Now, say it again a little more convincingly. Make me believe it.” Dean demands with a gruff voice while he crosses his arms over his chest, his palms nearly disappearing into his armpits, as if he too, has to resist reaching out to touch her again when it’s not what she wants.

How is it possible that he still can read her like a book? It’s not fucking fair. 

She narrows her eyes, staring him down. “You’re an ass, Dean.” She hisses and pushes out of the door, past Cubbie. When she’s out, she flags down a cab and gets in. Only when the driver rounds the street of the first block does she realize that she left Cubbie at the bar. Great. Now the act with her leaving the bar with some date is even less convincing to Dean. 

God, she’s a failure. 

 *

 “You know he still cares deeply about you, right?” Donna flops down on Y/N’s worn out couch with a bottle of beer in hand and Y/N walks over to join her friend with her glass of red wine. 

The incident at the bar in which Dean had held a metaphorical pissing competition against an oblivious Cubbie was four days ago. Almost a distant memory. She hasn’t heard from the magician, but also it’s not really surprising since they didn’t even exchange their numbers and Donna has not mentioned him again. At least there’s that. 

She frowns for a moment, “Cubbie? He barely knows me.”

Her friend rolls her eyes to the back and takes a pull at the bottle, “Dean, dummy!”

“Yeah, well, he has a hell of a way of showing it.” She grumbles, burying her face into her goblet and tips it back to take a big gulp. 

Donna admitted after the incident that she watched them with amusement. Poor Cubbie was standing there lost and sulked away on his own. Apparently, Dean grinned brightly, and god, just the image of him being so joyful and cocky about her misery makes her want to smack him across the face. But for that, she would have to see him again, which she won’t. Nope. Not going there. She can’t move on when he keeps popping up.

“You don’t see it, do you?” Donna tilts her head that’s resting on the back of the old faded sofa, cocking her eyebrow as she asks.

“See what?” Y/N eyebrows match her friend’s. 

“Jesus Christ, Y/N!” Donna huffs out, followed by a giggle. Okay, the woman should definitely not drink any more beer, also since tomorrow is Monday and she has to work. Y/N for her part, is still struggling with finding a job that would keep her head above water. She’s debating on taking two lesser paid jobs but then again, there would be no time left to spend with Liv and since she’s making Liv her priority, she keeps on searching. The blonde lays her hand on Y/N’s thigh, squeezes it, “He’s so fucking in love.”

With knitted eyebrows, she glares at her friend. Dean? In love? Has that been obvious? She shakes her head, “That’s not what he told me,” 

Her friend sits up straight and turns to her before taking a big swig of her beer and slams it onto the coffee table. Y/N gets irritated, shushes her friend with a nudge of her elbow. Liv is sleeping next door, and Donna usually knows that she has to be fucking quiet. 

“Oops,” Donna says with a shrug, and they both freeze to listen if Liv has woken up because of the noise. When they don’t hear a sound, they both breathe out in relief. Yeah, there’s no chance Donna will get another beer from her tonight. The blonde grins at her. A grin that spells mischief, “Have you ever thought that Dean Winchester, a guy who’s never been in love might not know how it feels to be in love? Have you ever thought that he might be so fucking gone on you and tries to identify his feelings but he can’t because he doesn’t fucking knows what it is?” 

God, Donna talks a mile a minute and Y/N’s brain is having trouble catching on and processing. 

Her friend pauses to wriggle her eyebrows at her but otherwise, Donna doesn’t say anything because she waits until it settles. 

Memories of the last day on the beach flashed in her mind. She recalls him asking her how she knows when you love someone and her answer was you just know. 

Could it be that he was struggling then already? He probably was but she was too deep in her own mind that she didn’t really notice.

“No,” She answers.

“No, what?” Donna asks.

“No, I have never thought that he doesn’t know how it feels to be in love. But I mean, he’s loved his mother, right? He loves Sam to a certain extent. He’s a grown ass man. He should know how he fucking feels.”

“My god, your skull is thicker than I thought.” Donna rolls her eyes dramatically. “Loving a parent is not the same as loving a partner, duh! And with Sam. There’s the bro thing, I guess? They love each other but it’s just all caveman-esque grunting and a lot of back-slapping involved. It’s how I love you,”

“You love me while you grunt and slap my back?” 

“Shut up!” Donna laughs, “Anyway, where was I...oh! Yes. Listen, Y/N, maybe you’ve been too harsh on him. I mean, yeah, of course, you have Liv to care about but don’t tell me that Liv was heartbroken when you brought her back to this place.”

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth in thought. When she snaps out of it, she tips her wine glass back and empties it in one go.

Her friend watches her, pauses to let the things she said sink in. God, she doesn’t know why Donna’s only talking about Dean now. It’s been what? Almost two months. Where was Donna when she needed that kinda talk at the beginning when she left Dean? Donna was always here, her mind says, you just didn’t want to burden anyone and you thought that you could manage everything on your own. 

“Fact is, Y/N. I’ve never seen him like this. He barely goes out, even if he’s invited to events. The gossip sites avoid him because he became a grump while picking up fights with photographers, and don’t even get me started on the last TV appearance where he only gave short, snappish answers, making the stupidly hot interviewer very uncomfortable. A couple of months ago, he would have charmed the woman and they probably would have fucked when the producer yelled cut.”

“How do you know they didn’t?” She asks, and she doesn’t even know why she asks because the thought of him hooking up and going back to being his old self does make her feel a little uncomfortable and admittedly, jealous.

“Honestly? Maybe because the interviewer told a tabloid that she refuses to interview Dean again because he’s a dick.” 

“Well, he is a dick, she’s right.” She says drily, and she’s standing behind her opinion, it’s just now that Donna has said all those things that it makes her really wonder if she’s been too harsh to Dean. Maybe he just needed more time to figure out what he was feeling. But again, it’s too late now, isn’t it?

Ch. 27

Please share your thoughts with me, I’d love to hear your feedback.

[captainillogical]

Home Ch.3

The domesticity of living with an alien who hasn’t quite had the chance at a normal life.

Distant Lands sequel.

Spinel/Reader

collab with my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants​

Chapter Rating: Explicit

A/N: I’m sorry about the previous version guys, wasn’t my intention to write it that way, and thanks for all the feedback. Changed some things, added another thousand or so words, and re-wrote some dialogue. Thank you Star for all your help p:

This chapter is NSFW. I’m pretty sure one of the people that sent me shit was a minor, so I’d like to say this again, ya’ll. No minors.

-

"Why do 'ya seem a little out of breath? You run up the stairs?" Your girlfriend asks, raising an eyebrow.

"No reason," You lie, she doesn't need to know of whatever that was. It was probably nothing, anyway. You're just paranoid. "Met another human that lives a few floors down from us though."

"Another human lives here? Huh," She answers, interested. She's got half your boxes open, and has already stacked most of the books inside your bookcase in the living room. It's.. it's stacked like a fire hazard. You don't know what you were expecting. "Bismuth did say that more humans were starting to live in this area. Was he nice?"

"Yeah, he did ask me a lot of questions about you though."

She gives you a particular look. "Why'd he ask about me.."

"I might've mentioned I was living with my girlfriend." You say sheepishly.

"Aw jeez," She groans, wiping her face a bit dramatically with her gloved hand. 

"Am I supposed to keep quiet about it?"

"No! No. I just haven't had the chance to tell any of our neighbors about it yet." She replies guiltily. She pushes a twintail over her shoulder, getting it out of the way as she digs into an open box.

"Spinel!" You hiss out.

"What! I've been busy!" She wails. "And also, two of the quartzes on this floor are such huge gossips that I've maybe avoided the conversation with them! They've pried SO much already about my past and it's kinda 'irritatin. I know once they figure out that you're livin' with me, they're gonna bombard me with even more questions."

"Ugh, okay, you get a pass today."

"Today," She repeats, deadpan. "I should get a pass whenever."

"Nah, you're not special enough." You chuckle, grabbing some of your books to restack them into something actually resembling a bookcase.

"I am to you," She pouts a little, which is really endearing. 

"Ehhhhhhh," You start, sarcastically, until you feel a pinch on your ass and you cut off mid sentence to yelp. You whip your head around to glare at your girlfriend. "Spinel!"

"Deserved it." She grins, peering at you from the side. You contemplate throwing a book at her, but your stomach rumbles instead.

"Can you finish opening all of these boxes? I'm gonna make myself some food real quick," You say, finishing restacking that one shelf and walking into the kitchen. "I wanna be completely unpacked tonight if possible. I hate moving for this reason."

You hear her make an offended noise from the living room. "Was how I stacked these not good enough for you?!"

"I hate to break this to you, but like," You pause to open your fridge, rifling through what you bought earlier. "Pretty sure they were one bump away from being all over the floor."

"Looked fine to me."

"Have you ever had to organize anything, ever?" You take the ingredients out to make a sandwich, plopping the contents on the counter.

"..I think I'm more of the fun type, personally." She answers, and you hear her toss an empty box off to the side. You feel your phone buzz in your pocket, and opt to ignore it for a little bit while you feed yourself.

"Yeah? You think so?" You snicker, adding an extra slice of cheese to your ham sandwich. "I thought you were more of the 'village idiot' type."

She sputters, and you walk out of the kitchen with your sandwich in hand to see her glaring at you non-threateningly. "That's more of a you type."

"No way! You don't even have any proof." You take a bite out of your food in hand, watching her pull out some of your cute plushies that Steven has gifted you over the years. Sandwich is a bit dry.. shoulda put on more mayo. Oh well.

"Are 'ya fuckin' kidding me?" She stares at you, deadpan. Her left eye is twitching. "Why don't we revisit everything that happened on Golgotha? Hmmmmm?" 

"Okay that's not completely fair," You take another bite, and chew it thoughtfully. "It's not like I asked for that to happen to me. It was all self preservation. Besides, it's not like you made it easy."

She opens her mouth to retort with something just as an arm comes out of your hair - she screams, making you drop your sandwich.

"W-WHAT IS THAT!?"

You grab the arm, and yank Steven out of the portal he's created through your hair. He tumbles to the floor, groaning and rubbing his butt.

"You could just, like, I don't know, knock?!" You hiss out at him, patting the side of your head. That was.. uh. That felt weird.

"Maybe you should read your texts sometime!" He groans, flopping on the floor, arms out. "My poor back.."

"My fucking sandwich," You sigh, feeling sad for what could've been your life had you been able to eat the rest of it. "You owe me another one."

"I'll make you twenty if you help me not embarrass myself in front of Connie's mom again." 

"Deal." You grab his hand, helping lift him off the floor, and throw the rest of your destroyed sandwich into the garbage bin.

"Am I 'gonna get an explanation for that or are we ignoring it." Spinel says as she stares at the two of you like you've each grown another head. 

"Oh, he can just do that now that he pink’d me.” You answer quite bluntly, and Steven opens his mouth in offense.

“Don’t call it that! But she’s technically right.” He gives you a tired look, and it makes you feel a little gleeful that you can still get this kind of reaction out of him whenever you want. “I can do it with Lars too, but he’s taken to threatening me whenever I do it now.”

“You interrupt him in the bathroom again?” You grin at him, and his cheeks color slightly.

“No!” He says all too quickly. 

“Wait,” Spinel lowers her eyes to you, getting a strange expression on her face. She walks closer to you. “He can do that just whenever?” 

“Yeah, I mean, I’m sure he’ll ask beforehand, but yes,” You reply to her, watching as she lifts a hand to your head. “What’re you-”

“-does that mean I can?” She jabs the side of your head with her gloved hand without waiting for an answer - you slap her hand away as Steven laughs.

“No,” You sigh, Spinel only looking a little put out. “Steven’s the only gem who can. That would be a nightmare otherwise.”

“Anyway, I also came over to give you an update.” Steven clears his throat.

“For what?” You ask, now concerned. “Couldn’t you have just texted?”

“What, so you can just not look at it or text me back?” He shoots a pointed look at you, and you only feel a little bit guilty. “No, I needed to change your schedule specifically to fit around two others, so your first lesson got moved up to a bigger slot. It’s tomorrow. I’m sorry for the short notice.”

You stare at him, unsure of what to say.

“If you’re not ready, I can have Pearl take over for the time being-”

“-No! No. It’s fine, I just needed to mentally adjust to it.” You shake your head vigorously, not wanting him to get the wrong idea. You feel the anxiety swirling in your gut, but you manage to push most of it down for now. “I’m basically done with all my prep for it, anyway.”

“Only if you’re sure, Y/N.” He looks at you like he’s waiting for your face to betray you of something, but you ignore it. “Because you can talk to me if you’re-”

“It’s fine, Steven.” You cut him off. “You worry too much. Besides, you’ve got bigger things on your plate. Y’know, like Mrs. Maheswaran’s divine judgement.”

“Ugggggghhh, thanks for the reminder.” He wipes his hand down his face dramatically. “She wants me to come over for dinner this weekend so she can talk to the two of us about something. I’m not even sure what.”

“Buddy, you know she’s gonna grill you about your future.” You reply, and peer into the open box to the left of you. It’s full of kitchen supplies.

“That’s guaranteed.” He sighs, grabbing some of the items from you and putting them away. Of course he’s helping without any kind of prompt. “I don’t mind it, but I’d like a single dinner with them where I’m not feeling like I’m putting on some kind of performance.”

Your anxiety is still at the forefront of your mind.

“It can’t be that bad.” Spinel turns to him, breaking down the empty box in her hand. 

“You’ve never met Mrs. Maheswaran.” He retorts, placing your tea infusers into the silverware drawer and shutting it with a clank. “You have no idea what it feels like to talk to her. Sure she’s nice, but it’s like she’s always watching you under a little microscope..”

Spinel gives him some kind of snide response and snickers, and you hear Steven chuckle and holler out something in reply to that - but you had somehow tuned out the words as you opened the box to your bathroom supplies. 

“Give me a few, I’m gonna put all these away real quick,” You manage to say to them before ducking into the bathroom, neither of them seeming to notice your brief change in mood as you leave the door three-quarters closed.

You can still hear them making jabs at each other while Steven talks to Spinel about all the pressure Connie’s mom has put him under the last few years, and you set your box down on the toilet.

Uggghhh, okay. You can deal with this. You have no idea why something as simple as moving a lesson up two days is fucking you up this much, but you’re gonna have to deal with it anyway. Why the fuck are you so nervous? You’ve dealt with worse. You have your lessons ready - they’re basic things anyway. It’s easy. Sure, there’s a big crowd for attendance which is a little unheard of, but maybe more gems want to befriend and understand humans than you had previously considered.

You grab your box of hair ties and scrunchies, and shove them under the sink. You don’t need extras right now. You can still feel the anxiety there, under your skin. You pick up your blow dryer and straightener, placing those down as well. Why did Steven seem like he was expecting you to back out?

Does he think you’re incapable of handling this? Is this some kind of test?

You pull out your phone to text Amethyst.

[21:42] Y/N: Quick question.

[21:42] Y/N: You think I’m capable of teaching those classes?

You set your phone down after hitting send, and grab all your soaps to put away as you wait for a reply. Spinel’s voice rings out from the living room, and you focus on the sound of it for the time being. You reach into the box again, and pull out all your hair dye supplies from a while ago.

Huh. 

You turn the container of bleach around in your hand.

You stare at yourself in the mirror, and try not to wince at the reflection. You probably couldn’t.. right? You don’t think that your hair would take any kind of bleach or dye now. The utter irony is that you’ve experimented with every single other color for your hair before this, claiming you would never try pink to Steven.. and now it’s.. permanent. 

Your phone buzzes on the counter. You pick it up.

[21:44] Amethyst: uhh.. yeah?

[21:44] Amethyst: the fuck you asking for?

Okay, well. Now you just seem paranoid.

[21:44] Y/N: No reason..

Your fingers are hovering over the keyboard, and as you’re figuring out what to continue to type, she shoots a text back nearly instantly.

[21:45] Amethyst: :/

You put your phone back into your pocket. You don’t really feel like asking what that face is for, because you think you know the answer.

You finish putting away the remnants of what was left in the box, and walk back out into the living room where Steven and Spinel are now talking about how he met Connie. You throw your empty box off to the side, and look at all the stuff you have left to unpack on the floor. It’s not much left, you’re well over two-thirds done at this point, and ohhhhhhhhhhh you forgot about your laundry.

You let the other two know that you’ll be back in a few - Spinel shoots you a look that you ignore, and you head downstairs.

Your mind wanders nervously the entire way down, and the laundry room is empty when you arrive to get your clothes. Amethyst texts you again, asking you if you're okay, and you shoot her a quick 'yup just peachy'. You get your dry clothes, placing them into your hamper, and you scurry back to your floor to avoid any weird confrontations.

When you get back inside, you manage to catch the tail end of a quiet mutter from Steven to Spinel before he quickly runs his sentence into something else, and at an increased volume to avoid suspicion. You opt to pretend you didn't notice, and you easily slide back into the conversation as the three of you finish what you had set out tonight to accomplish.

Steven ends up leaving the normal way after you and him have a heavy discussion laying on your living room floor about his dinner problem, and he gives you an especially hard hug after letting you know he'll drop by after your lesson tomorrow to see how it goes with lunch that he now owes you.

The door in front of you closes with a click, and you lock it for the night. Not that you're expecting anyone to barge in, but force of habit. 

You're weirdly mentally exhausted. 

"I think I'm gonna take a shower. I feel kinda gross." Is what you hear coming out of your mouth, and you move to grab fresh laundry out of your pile that you left on the couch.

“I’m gonna try to finally figure out how to work this TV, then.” She replies, and you make your way into the bathroom, shutting the door behind you.

You place your clean clothes on the toilet lid as you turn the shower on, letting the room fill up with steam as you take off your clothes and kick them into the corner to deal with later. You don't really wanna take a shower in silence, so you opt to put some music on in the background.

You pull the curtain back, steam rolling out and hitting you directly in the face as you step inside the tub. It's so scaldingly hot that you barely manage to hold back a scream as you adjust the temp and stand away from the stream. 

After a couple seconds or so the water finally gets to a more reasonable temperature and you stand underneath it to let it soak you. It feels nice.

You look down to grab your shampoo, but instead see the gnarly scar on your stomach, and stop. You stare at it a while. The raised skin along the outer ring of where you basically got hole-punched feels weird. It's also a slightly darker pink than the rest of your skin, which you're still not really used to when you get a glimpse of yourself.

You remember the feeling of being pierced, and decide to stop thinking about this all together for now. 

You grab the shampoo bottle and pour some into your hand, rubbing it into your scalp. You feel your muscles relax.

The door to the bathroom opens and closes, and all of a sudden you hear the shower curtain being pulled back. 

"Do you MIND." You slap your arms around yourself self consciously, still having soap in your hair. You can't see shit but you know it's Spinel.

"Pfft, 'ya act like I've never seen you naked. Anyway, I just wanted to know how to turn on the TV? I can’t figure it out." She asks, letting the colder air of the bathroom in, and you can hear some water hitting the floor.

"Will you close the curtain," You reach out, grabbing the edge of the vinyl liner, just as Spinel opens it wider to step inside with you. "-what the fuck are you doing?"

"Oh, the water’s warm? This doesn’t feel too bad," You rinse the rest of your shampoo out, just to see her fully clothed half a foot from you, hand reaching out to touch the stream of water. Your heart is beating wildly - but you find yourself at ease with her presence in here, oddly enough. She’s watching you curiously.

"What, you can't figure the TV out yourself? And you thought I took cold showers, really?!" You scoff at her, unfazed at this point by her antics. "The fact that you're in here with clothes on kinda says everything about you."

"I can take 'em off." She says to you, like, duh Y/N, don't you even know me by now? You glare at her, which isn't hard since there's water being sprayed onto you and into your eyes, and she phases off her clothes, shoes and all in an instant. "Better?" She asks, like she’s doing you a favor.

"Gems don't need to take showers." You deadpan at her. "And weren't you trying to figure out the TV?"

"Just because I don't need to doesn't mean I can't. Also, I could help 'ya." She says cheekily, grinning a little.

"I don't need help bathing myself," You roll your eyes at her in jest, water starting to drench her hair. You think it’s really cute that she offers, but you’re sure she just wants a chance at messing around with you. Not that you’d really mind right now, and well.. you school your face into one that isn’t obvious to what you’re currently thinking about. You try not to focus too much on her gemstone in the middle of her chest, or her breasts, or those soft looking shoulders, or the rest of her naked expanse of skin - you need to stop before you get carried away. "..but I bet you would."

“Are ‘ya saying I can’t figure out something as simple as bathing? Something I’ve watched you do? Wow. I’m hurt, Y/N.” She feigns offense, looking around at the bottles of soap and shampoo products you have in here, picking them up and starting at the labels.

“Then try it.” You watch her eye a bar of soap, and then pick it up with her wet hands. It almost shoots out of her hands at you, and she barely manages to keep it within her grip hilariously enough.

“See, I know what I’m doing,” She says stubbornly, bringing the bar up to her nose to smell it. She rubs a bit of the suds off, wiping it on her palm curiously. All of a sudden, you get a really good idea.

“Yeah, and if you actually did, you’d know that that’s what I use to clean the inside of my mouth.” You raise your eyebrows at her, begging your own face to not betray you. 

“Wait, really?!” Her eyes widen, giving you a slightly disturbed look. She peers at the soap, bringing it closer to her face. “I mean, it smells good and the shape is right..”

She licks it, and immediately gags. The look on her face of utter disgust is the best thing you’ve seen all week.

“AUUUUGH,” She wails, pushing her face into the water to scrape off the remaining soap, and the laugh that comes out of your mouth is so loud it echoes throughout the bathroom. “Y/N!”

“Gullible.” Is all you can say between laughs, and she musters a glare at you.

“I trusted you!”

“That was your mistake.” You retort with a grin. “I don’t eat soap. I’m surprised you believed that.”

“Never AGAIN.” She gags one more time, and you grab for your bottle of conditioner.

“Here, lemme show you.” You step outside of the constant stream of water, and trade places with Spinel. Once you’re done rubbing the conditioner into your own hair, you grab your shampoo for her. You look at her drenched in water, watching you closely. You won’t lie when it makes your heart flutter in your chest, and it feels a little like falling. “Can you take your hair down for this?”

“Oh, sure,” She makes quick work of undoing her hair, and yeah, you’re definitely staring at her now. You’re having a really hard time hiding it. Getting some shampoo in your hand, you have her step out of the water for a moment and start rubbing it into her scalp. She relaxes so much into your touch that you feel your heart start to beat a little faster. “Y/N?” 

“Hm?” You answer.

“You seemed kind of off earlier.” She says, and you quickly rip your gaze from her. She definitely notices. “I could just.. tell.”

“It’s nothing, really.” You sigh, rubbing small circles into her scalp. You were kind of hoping she’d brush it off, but noooooo. She has to be observant.

She grabs your hands to still your motions momentarily, giving you a more serious look. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Nah, I’m just anxious about tomorrow, I’ll get over it.” You meet her eyes again, and hers waver between yours as if she’s searching for a different answer. Like she doesn’t really believe you, even though honestly, that’s all it really is. You feel a little something there in your chest when you realize that she’s only like this because she actually cares about you. “Don’t worry about me.” You insist, not really wanting to overthink the day you’ve got ahead of you. 

“Want me to come to the lesson?" She offers as she drops your hands, tilting her head in question; a glob of shampoo suds run down the side of her neck. The sight is weirdly enticing.. or maybe you’re just a little pent up. Being here alone with her after what feels like forever, and naked on top of that has your brain thinking of things you probably shouldn’t be thinking of right now. 

You’re only a little ashamed of yourself.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Spinel. You’ll just give me performance anxiety.” You resume massaging her scalp, managing to get some shampoo also into her ends. You briefly have a passing thought about not wanting to dry out her long strands, because split ends at this hair length fucking blow, and then you remember she’s a gem. That doesn’t even matter. You feel a little jealous that she doesn’t have to put these kinds of thoughts into her daily routine.

"I wouldn't do anything, promise. Maybe a comment or two, but that's it." She retorts as she brings her palms up in feign offense, and you push her gently back by her shoulders under the stream of water to rinse out her hair, careful to not get her eyes. She sighs as you run your fingers against her scalp, eyes nearly drooping she’s so relaxed. "This feels really nice.." She mumbles, and the way it has your heart feeling like someone’s dropped pop rocks into it..

"I know you have work to do tomorrow though, so don't shirk your duties.” You’re basically caressing her head at this point, and she’s totally leaning into it completely. You have a feeling if you dropped your hands from her head, it’d slam into a wall. “I'll ask Garnet to sit in since she offered."

"Y/N." She looks at you, water running down her hair and face, cascading over her small shoulders. The marks beneath her eyes are strikingly dark in this light, and her pink irises are locked onto yours. You're barely listening to the lofi song playing in the background as it's mainly drained out by the white noise of the shower. She's pretty, in a way that you probably think she's never considered before, and sometimes you wish you could say this out loud without feeling like you'd combust on the spot instead. She then opens her mouth almost hesitantly, like she's finding the proper words to say. "If 'ya need me, I can be there. But.. you're kind of the bravest person I know by a long shot, so.. I know you'll be okay. You've got this, doll."

You feel your face burning at the pet name and her words, and you find yourself avoiding her eyes again. You can’t even think of a reply, and feel like you might have a heart attack.

"Are you blushing?!" She grabs your forearms in glee, and you feel your face scowling just to cover up the fact that she can have this kind of effect on you. No one has this effect on you, and goddammit you’re not about to start showing it now.

"No, idiot. It's just hot in here.." You retort, and she leans right into your personal space, about an inch from your face. Your heartbeats feel so INCREDIBLY loud in your ears.

"Liar." Her grin gets wider, and you can see her canines right there at the edge of her lip. WHY is she so attractive?! This should be illegal. "I can keep talking 'ya up if that's what you need."

"Not necessary, or needed, really.." You trail off awkwardly, knowing your face is still beet red and pretending it’s from the heat of the shower. 

"Did'ja know that you're also the funniest person I know? And the smartest? And the sexi-"

"-SPINEL." You cut her off with a choke, voice coming out all strangled.

"You've got 'ta be the most stubborn person alive, I swear." She lowers her eyes, gaze lingering on your lips. The way some of her water-logged hair clings to her skin has your eyes glued to her chest, and the gem that sits upon it. 

"You should spend a few weeks hanging out with Pearl." You try to play it off cool, and you’re anything but. 

"Why, when I'd rather spend it with you." She retorts with an eyeroll, and like, you know that the both of you have your affections laid out on the metaphorical table already, but you still find your face burning at her being so clear with it. “If it’s not compliments ‘ya want, I can be a distraction?” She asks, and then blinks several times rapidly in succession very comically, and you can’t help it but laugh.

“Yeah? And how?” You ask stupidly.

“Ohhhh, remember earlier in the kitchen?”

Your eyes snap to hers. Is she..

"Wait, you’re talking about doing it in the sho-"

She yanks your arms - pulling you forward into a kiss, and your foot slips so hard on the tub floor that you have to catch yourself on her shoulders. Her laughter rings out through the bathroom.

"Oh stars, Y/N falling into my arms? I never thought-"

"Shut uuuuuuuup," You groan, glaring at her. The thought of the two of you, here, fucking in the shower is swirling inside your head. Both of you are wet and pressed together, and you are screaming internally. "You're the one that caught me off guard, asshole."

"Maybe I just wanna see you swooning, for once. Or squirming. I'm not too choosy." The grin on her face mixed with her words has you feeling some kind of way, and you try to still your rapidly beating heart. She wants to see you squirm?! You're flattered, and also embarrassed..

"I don't swoon, Spinel. You know me better than that by now. And if you couldn't make me squirm before all this, when we weren't even friends, then good fucking luck with trying that out now that I'm familiar with you." You spit out, hoping the nervousness in your voice doesn't give you away. She doesn't need to know that you like it when she's a little aggressive and grabby. That would give her too much power.

Her eyes flicker across your face, catching onto something within your expression; her grin widens.

"Then why do you seem so nervous now?"

"Uh," Your heart jumps into your throat, and you feel the red creeping back onto your cheeks. Curse your now-pink complexion. "Pffft. What? I do not! Why the hell do you think I'm nervous!?" You lie, and it comes out of your throat an octave higher you think, which is fucking embarassing really.

"Well," She chuckles briefly, and then her face drops considerably into an expression you'd deem nearly sinister if you didn't know her. 

"Um-"

She pushes you back against the shower wall behind you hard - a squeak comes out your mouth - as the air leaves your lungs, her hand splayed out on your chest into holding you there. It feels almost like silence has filled the room, when it's quite the opposite actually - the sound of the water hitting you both is quite deafening as you stare at each other. You think she can feel your heartbeats. Like, her hand is RIGHT THERE. Her thumb even rubs the skin there a little.

"I'm starting to think you like it when I manhandle you." She says, voice low. Her fingers are pressing into your sternum.

You take the time to breathe in some air, and try to blink like a normal person. A droplet of water runs down your lower spine and you fight off a shiver. Are you really that easy to read!?

"Your silence is speaking volumes right now." She chuckles, eyes watching you like a hawk.

You have no idea what your face is displaying, but it's probably something similar to mortified shock - how can she keep hitting the nail on the head?

"Oh, shit, am I hurting you?" She quickly pulls her hands away, nearly looking frantic as her face twists into worry at your silence.

"No, of course not-" You stop, getting a weird look on your face. "-I died, remember? You can't, pfft, - I mean you can, but. Spinel." You try not to laugh, because her being worried about this is extremely endearing, and you love her so, so much. "You're not hurting me, and if you were, I'd make sure you knew."

"Okay, good, because I was really worried there for a second that I had-"

"It's fine." You reassure her, and she's looking at you intently. "Seriously."

"Like, you know that I'd rather poof myself than ever put a finger on 'ya, right?"

"I'm aware, and you know that I trust you, yes?" 

"I was 'kinda worried, but, it's clear now." She's so very close to your face, and she's warm. Her eyes take in your features as if she's burning them into her memories, and you can't help but stare back. 

She kisses you again, wet lips pressing against yours so easily - it's as if she had been coordinating this as soon as she stepped into the shower with you. Or maybe this was her entire reason. Bastard. 

She slides one of her legs between yours - yeah, okay, she was definitely planning this - and you find yourself groaning into her mouth; hot water spraying onto the both of you. You tear your face away from hers momentarily to take in a gasp of breath and she grabs your jaw, her vibrant pink irises locked onto yours.

"Breathe through your nose." She demands, not giving you any kind of opportunity to get away as she kisses you almost roughly. You feel like your entire body is on fire. 

Her body's pressed against yours; and at this angle you can see her gemstone shining in the light above you, glistening with water. She slides her knee up to put pressure between your legs, and as to not make it so easy for her you attempt to slam them shut - only making the situation worse for yourself. 

You moan as you feel her pressed against your clit, and you feel her grinning against your mouth. She slides her tongue in then, and the combined sensations has your head feeling a little light. It actually irks you enough to attempt to push her off of you to get some kind of leverage over her, but she clearly anticipated some kind of fight because she growls against your mouth in resistance, and uses both her hands to slam yours against the wall behind you with an iron grip.

What a brat.

The harder you struggle, the more she presses all of herself against you. Her grip on your forearms get a little tighter; and you find that this just makes all of your current problems worse. She rips her lips away from yours to give you some kind of smug, shit-eating grin. "You're really trying this time, aren't 'ya doll. I'll give 'ya that."

"Why won't you let me touch you?!" You spit out, but it comes out all breathily and not at all aggressive like you'd hoped.

"If you're good, maybe." She laughs, and you wish you could disappear on the spot at will. "But this is your turn."

"IF I'M-" You hiss out, Spinel switching her grip so she's got the both of your hands in one, making the other completely free to grope your breast. Her palm rubs over your nipple. "You are such a shithead!!"

"You knowwww, if you don't like it you could always tell me you wanna stop," Her eyelids lower enough to still see her irises glued to your face, and she leans in to whisper into your ear. "But we already know that you want this, Y/N."

You snap your mouth shut and she chuckles darkly, and you would like to die now, thanks. If there's a god out there, you hope he's merciful and smites you on the spot.

She immediately attacks your neck, and she doesn't give you any kind of say about it either. She's using so much teeth this time that you're worried you're going to look like a spotted leopard tomorrow, and oh god, you almost forgot.

"Leave any marks and I'll attempt to poof you myself, Spinel." You shudder as she sucks hard near the crook of your neck, hot tongue against your skin, and when she looks at you her eyes have some kind of suspicious glint to them. 

"Wear a sweater." Is all she says before going right back to your neck, and the only thing you can really do is bite back a moan as she continues. You're going to kill her for this. You're going to find out how to embarrass her in front of her new friends, or SOMETHING. How the fuck are you going to cover up these marks before your class tomorrow?! The several shades of pink blush you picked up from the drug store a few days ago from your previous shenanigans barely managed to cover the lighter marks she left last time! 

You feel her slide a hand down your torso to reach between your legs, and with the last of your strength you try and slam your legs shut just to make this difficult for her.

She chuckles into your neck, and her warm breath lights your nerves on fire. It's so steamy in here now, and some kind of jazz oldie is playing that you can kind of hear over the sound of running water. And then she drops your hands just to grip both of your thighs and spread them apart forcefully, and there's nothing you can really do about that. You know that you're heavily aroused, and you hope it isn't too obvious to her.

Holding you open, she presses her palm against you, tips of her fingers hesitating at your entrance. Like she's waiting for something.. your legs start to tremble, then she slides two fingers into you and you slam a hand over your mouth to stop yourself from moaning.

"No one's going to hear us, 'ya idiot." You hear her say, and you nearly laugh. She immediately curls her fingers upwards, and you're seeing stars at the edges of your vision.

"You think I care about being loud? I just don't want you to think you can drag anything out of me too easily," You say in between breaths, and she makes some kind of displeased grunt in reply.

"Asked for this.." Is what you hear from her before she adds a third finger; you take it quite easily, embarrassingly enough, and starts to really finger fuck you as she watches your face. 

A strangled moan comes out of you, and you see the corner of her lip curl enough to show her teeth. You hate that she can do this to you. Your hands are free though, and you think you can fuck with her a little as payback. One of your hands shoot out to touch her gem, and she lowers her eyes to glare at you and the offending appendage.

"Whaddya' think you're 'doin, Y/N?" She asks, lowly. There's a darker pink that bleeds onto her cheeks quite rapidly here, and you swipe a thumb over her center facet in spite.

"Whatever I want." You reply. Her eye twitches.

"I don't think so." She hisses and slams her lips against yours - roughly pushing your hand away from her gem, like how dare you have the audacity to even think about touching her right now. She presses you against the wall with her own body, and you moan into her mouth.

Your thighs are shaking, and the hot steam mixed with the noises of her roughly pounding her slick fingers inside you makes it apparent that you're actually not going to last like this at all. She drags moan after moan from you relentlessly, unable to stop herself from biting down into the crook of your neck like she's trying to claim you for herself. As if you'd let anyone else touch you like this.

And then she lifts up her head enough to warmly whisper something about how much she loves being in the middle of your thighs like this into your ear, and you start to see stars as your orgasm violently wracks through your body.

She holds you, watching your face as you come down, leaving small kisses upon your lips.

"Was that okay?" She mumbles the question, looking at you to make sure you're alright. The water is starting to lose heat, which means both of you should finish this up soon.

"I'm going to make you regret ever taking me as a hostage." You answer with a grin, and her eyebrows shoot up into her hairline. 

"Are 'ya sure about that?" She replies, withdrawing her fingers from you ever so slowly. 

You think you're in the clear, and then she slides them back in, and you can't cut the gasp that comes out of your mouth. You slam a hand on her shoulder, glaring at your girlfriend.

"I'm sensitive, you jerk." You spit out at her, and she grins cheekily. She then actually pulls out her fingers for real, and you really, really want to make her pay for this. "Let's finish this up, the water is getting colder by the minute."

The both of you quickly finish your bathing routine, and you're almost annoyed that Spinel can just vanish water from her completely while you're still soaking wet, and trying to dry yourself with a towel.

You put on your sleepwear and drag your girlfriend to bed, where you pay her back tenfold. You honestly hope the walls aren’t thin.

You're tired, and sleep comes to you easy with thoughts of what tomorrow will bring. 

[girlonastring]

List of Future H50 Fic

1) Graceless:

Danny loses visitation/rights until the reassessment of his job adjourns; after discovering Rachel is moving with Stan to Hawaii, he transfers to HPD. No one there knows about Grace (until he knows his fate, talking about her is too painful), not even after joining Five-0.

Until one day, he hears that precious voice say ‘Danno’ and he turns to the best sight in the world: his baby girl.

The bulk of the story will be of that scene, and the events that follow. It’ll have angst, drama, family moments - and pre-Mcdanno. Depending on how long it goes, they may even be starting a relationship. But they are definitely end game.

2) Any Man of Mine:

A combination of Steve things like the song, or the opposite to it. I still haven’t quite worked out all the details for that, but it’s what I’m aiming for. Will start off with a memory of Danny singing along to the song with Grace, and later will have her bringing up the similarities of their song and Steve to Danno, and bonding over that.

It’ll be pre-Mcdanno, but also that lovely trope where they’ve basically been dating for forever, but only one of them really notices it. Which will be Danny! Also, a 5+1 because I LOVE that!

3) Undercover WitSec:

This one is pure indulgence for me. I love the idea of Danny having been undercover when he worked back in Jersey, so in this he’ll have been undercover (thinking maybe with the mob?? Still deciding) and gotten close with a kid (placing this before!Grace, but still with Rachel) and when all is said and done, the kid (an OFC, because I can) is put in witness protection.

Shoot forward however many years, and he’s in Hawaii, and the only ones who know about this girl are Rachel (because she’s a big reason why he wanted a kid) and Grace (honorary big sister no one knows about; why she knows exactly I don’t know?? Haven’t figured that out yet) so when this girl shows up, calling Danny something no one understands in Italian cue the shocked reactions!

The reason she was in witsec is ‘dead’ so she’s back and it’s getting their lives resettled, have some nice pre-Mcdanno going on, then low and behold, the reason is not really dead and we have some action. Ends in established Mcdanno!

4) Serial Revenge:

Thought this one up at work yesterday and I am P U M P E D for it! Still figuring out a lot of the details, so this overview will be even shorter.

Danny is friends with this kid when he’s young, who seems so normal, but one day it’s discovered his parents are dead. Not only dead, but murdered. He has his suspicions about it, but nothing is ever tied together and so the kid (who something is obviously not right about - still figuring out that detail!) is sent to a mental hospital (foster care from there?? Don’t know yet!)

Flash forward and we’re in Hawaii, and there are killing happening that Five-0 dont’ know about until somehow, there’s a Danny connection and HPD calls them in.

Grace is sent away for safety, Danny is living with Steve for the same reason, bodies keep showing up, and it’s a race to figure out who it is, then to prove it AND stop him.

Killer winds up dead in the end, we get Mcdanno happening, and I am so very ready for this fic!

5) Dolled Up Steve:

Steve watching Grace at his house while Danny has to go do - something, and they play tea party and dolls and hey, dress up for the tea party! And when Danny comes back to find Grace doing Steve’s nails, look of intense concentration while she jabs away, and Steve is looking at her like she’s his whole world? So fond and full of love? That is Danny’s ‘oh shit I’m in love with this dumbass moment’.

I have a feeling this will jump from Danny POV, to Steve POV, back to Danny POV.

6) Sunshine & Whiskey:

Follows along with the lyrics that I chose a while back, and most likely will wind up a PWP. Maybe get some lime, maybe get some lemon. Just waiting on it to let me know what we’re doin’!

7) I've Got You Under My Skin:

The sap for this one! Established relationship, living together, and during a tender moment when they’re swaying in the living room/kitchen (haven’t decided;;) along to Frank Sinatra, someone proposes. <3 Then! Another chapter of them slow dancing to the same song at their wedding. <33

8) Pour Some Sugar:

So Danny in a private moment of Rachel’s bachelorette party did a strip routine for her and at a party Kono and Malia find out about it and it turns into him doing a very funny, extra snippet for Kono’s bachelorette party which he then gets to join. No one figures this out until Kono makes a comment about a tattoo that Danny has that’s not exactly public friendly, followed by Danny saying something about bachelorette parties getting crazy.

So Steve and Chin wind up finding out, which of course leads to Steve getting to see the routine in his own private moment, but made different so it’s just for him. And yes, there will be an explanation to why Danny knows how to do a strip routine, lol

9) Pictures Worth:

So Danny overhears Kono and Malia talking about tasteful pictures being done for a wedding gift and tells them “hey, that can be done” And he pulls them aside and shows them photos he took of a high school ex that she had done as a wedding gift for her wife, and “see, tasteful, just do it like that”

They discuss it and he helps them find someone on the island who will do it and be discreet/comfortable. What he doesn’t share is that before he took the ones of his ex, he did practice shots of himself so that he could be sure the gift turned out perfect. No one else knows this - not even Rachel.

I don’t know how Steve and Chin will find out (or why they have to, but I apparently like to involve the team in this set up *shrugs*) and Steve finds out about his private shoot and there’s Mcdanno goodness!

10) Too Close:

Old friends of Danny’s come to the island for a visit, and one night when they’ve had a bit to drink he admits that Too Close by Next makes him think of Steve, talking about the hot and bothered aspect of it - he’s quite smashed at this point. At a party for the old friends to meet the new, Kono and the girl friend (or the girl friend and the guy friend {they’re married!}) are talking about how clueless Steve and Danny are and how they need to get together already etc

Later they’ve had enough and the friend mentions the song mention so Kono sets it as Steve’s tone on Danny’s phone and ‘loses’ the phone so Steve has to call. The rest of the story is dealin’ with the aftermath of that and of course the Mcdanno!

11) It Wasn’t Me:

Danny and maybe Rachel having a normal day when all of a sudden their little angel goes through singing the chorus of the aforementioned song and just flipping their shit.

After finding out that they have Uncle Matty to thank because he thought Gracie was asleep but she wasn’t and having to explain that it wasn’t an appropriate song for her to be singing and something about “Cheating is wrong” so that when Grace finds out about Rachel and Stan and later Danny and Rachel (possibly) its just “so you two are hypocrites” or something.

Essentially I just want that initial freak out, and definitely will be finding some way to put Mcdanno in it!

12) DILF:

So Steve is Grace’s teacher and she overhears him saying that Danny is a DILF and later she asks her dad what that means and the choking on a drink and going bright red and trying to figure out what the heck to do with that, how to answer. The rest is yet to be determined, but of course it will be Mcdanno!

13) Love Bug:

YOU GUYS. I forgot about this one! This is what the title says: people of Hawaii are being bitten by a love bug, and the team is on the case to find out what the heck is going on! The effects can get more dangerous the longer there is no cure, so of course Steve is bitten. Not only that, but he just can’t seem to keep his hands or eyes off of Danny! There’s intrigue, case solving, and awkward I-couldn’t-keep-my-hands-off-you avoidance that all ends in lovely Mcdanno <3

14) Sleepy Prompt #20

“I think your hair is cute when you wake up, if only you could see it the way I did.”

15) Smut Prompt #57

“If we get caught I’m blaming you.”

16) Smut Prompt #59

“Wow, I didn’t realize you were that...flexible.”

17) Whumptober Prompt #7

Isolation

18) Whumptober Prompt #8

Stab Wound

19) Whumptober Prompt #9 

Shackled

20) Whumptober Prompt #10

Unconscious

21) Whumptober Prompt #11

Stitches (continuation of day 3)

22) Whumptober Prompt #12

Don’t Move

23) Whumptober Prompt #13

Adrenaline

24) Whumptober Prompt #16

Pinned Down

25) Whumptober Prompt #18

Wake Up

26) Whumptober Prompt #19

Asphyxiation

27) Whumptober Prompt #20

Trembling

28) Whumptober Prompt #21

Laced Drink

29) Whumptober Prompt #23

Bleeding Out

30) Whumptober Prompt #24

Secret Injury

31) Whumptober Prompt #26

Abandoned 

32) Whumptober Prompt #27

Ransom (continuation of day 26)

33) Whumptober Prompt #28

Beaten

34) Whumptober Prompt #29

Numb (continuation of day 28)

35) Whumptober Prompt #30

Recovery (continuation of day 12)

36) Whumptober Prompt #31

Embrace

37) Sleepy Prompt #34

“Will you carry me to bed?”

38) 5+1 Mistletoe

Basically the 5 kisses Steve shared under the mistletoe that were platonic and the one that meant the most. Gotta find my notes for this!

39) A.D.I.D.A.S.

A 5+1 esque fic of smut scenes!

So there are the ideas so far! A few have been mentioned in previous posts, I just don’t know how to link them in this one. They will be coming out in no particular order, and it will take one time because I will wind up writing multiple ones at once. It’s just a matter of which one is speaking louder to me!

I hope someone else is excited for this with me, and please, feel free to talk to me about any of them! Honestly I am so pumped to write them all, I can’t wait to get them all started! :D

Edit: July 19, 2019  August 21, 2020

[thisisusfan388]

This Is Us - season 2 finale

Ok, so I’ve watched the This Is Us season 2 finale last night.

 Wow- it was such an amazing finale!!! It was perfect, just perfect, everything that I’ve hoped for in a This Is Us season finale. It was a brilliant combination of flashback, present time and flashforward.

Do not read ahead if you haven't watched the episode, you've been warned...

 The Past

 The scene of young Kate asking Jack if she could marry him, and Jack telling her that she’ll one day find someone who’ll be even better than him, then bringing us back to the present where Kate walked don the aisle, wow, I really loved that! So heartwarming. <3

 The Present

 First off, Kate’s dream sequence in which the old Jack made an appearance and Jack and Rebecca celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary was just soooo beautiful!!! <3 <3 <3 I loved each and every scene of the anniversary. It’s such a joy to see Jack and Rebecca still so much in love with each other and everyone being happy for them. It was wonderful especially to see the looks of joy on the Big Three’s faces. Like Mandy pointed out in an interview, this is the first time that Milo got to shoot a scene together with everyone else besides her and the kids ( yes, he shot a scene or two with adult Randall and adult Kevin before, but this is the first time that everyone was there) so shooting this scene was a big deal for the cast members :)  She also mentioned in the same interview that the photos of the old Jack and Rebecca weren’t supposed to leak out and they were bummed that it did. This entire scene was supposed to be a pleasant surprise and a lovely tribute to all the fans! Also, loved Mandy singing Moonshadow <3

 All the scenes leading up to the wedding itself were great too!! :)

I love that they used the cabin as a place to spend the night to prepare for the wedding- it’s so nostalgic for them indeed. Also, Kate having the pre-wedding jitters and freaking out about not being able to find Jack’s old T-shirt, loved that! It is understandable that she wanted badly for her dad to be present in some form at her wedding, which Is why she was frantically trying to find something belonging to her dad to wear or bring to the wedding. She even went all the way to the ice cream shop they often visited only to be disappointed. Finally though, she found the only solution, and it was to let go of her father a little. It doesn’t mean that she’ll forget her beloved dad completely, she’ll still cherish her moments and memories with him which will last forever, but she needed to stop clinging onto memories of him which prevent her from enjoying her future and moving forward to the present. Jack was her past, Toby is her present and future. Which is why I really loved the scene of her siitting next to Jack’s urn and telling him that she needed to let go of him a little. This was what she actually needed.

 I loved Kevin and Randall’s scene in the car too, playing the ‘worst case scenario ‘ game and then talking about how they’ve ‘failed ‘Kate.

 Back at the cabin came the scene which made me cry. Rebecca, trying her best to pick her words to Kate carefully as she didn’t want to set her off, was about to leave the room as she didn’t want to ruin Kate’s moment. This is so sad, that Rebecca feels that she can’t be near Kate because every single thing she does or says would set Kate off ( which is true). But what Kate said next was what brought tears to my eyes. She said that actually, Rebecca was her way, and she wanted to be just like her- beautiful, a singer, and having a loving husband. Rebecca started crying and so did I. This scene was so profound and personal for me. This scene itself explains Kate’s behaviour towards Rebecca all this while. And it also mirrors my relationship with my mom, which is why this scene really got to me.

 Toby- I’m so proud that he told his parents off when they expressed their reservations about Kate. While it was understandable that they would have reservations about her after what happened to Toby’s prrevious marriage and his bout of depression after that, what Toby said was right. Kate is not his ex-wife and they should give her a chance. I’m so glad and proud of Toby for standing up for Kate :)

 We also are introduced to Zoe- Beth’s cousin, who was brought up by Beth’s parents, and so is like a sister to her. Off the bat, I already like her, she seems like a sweet and cheerful person. What I like the most about her is how she managed to talk to Deja and convince her to wear a nice dress. ;) I’ll talk more about Deja later.

 As for the wedding itself, it was soo beautiful1!! Kate really looked stunning in her wedding dress. :) And Toby looked handsome too. I loved seeing Tess and Annie be the flower girls and I really loved Kevin and Randall walking Kate down the aisle. If her dad couldn’t walk her down the aisle, at least her brothers could. In Grey’s when Amelia walked down the aisle alone in the season 12 finale, I really wished that Derek was still alive to walk her down the aisle. :(

Anyways, back to This Is Us- it was such a beautiful moment when Kate and Toby looked at each other and kissed, full of love for each other. <3

 The wedding night was beautiful too, with Kate dancing with Miguel and Toby dancing with his mom. Of course, it has to be ruined by something right? When Kate went Toby’s mother inadvertently set Deja off by saying that she ‘looks like her dad’, Deja goes to smash Randall’s car. This, I’ve to admit, has gone way out of line. I mean, I sympathized with Deja in the previous episodes , and can totally understand why she would be mad at her mom for giving up her parental rights towards her, but this is way too much. This is not how you repay a family who was kind enough to take you in again and again and give you a safe and warm environment to stay in and care for you. That time when they immediately went to check on her after returning from Vegas, and let her return back home to them, it showed that they really cared for her. Her behaviour has gone overboard. Enough is enough. It’s clear that Randall loves his car so much, so he would be devastated when he finds out.

 Back to the wedding night, Kevin’s and Randall’s toasts were beautiful. <3 <3 Kevin was right, the 4 of them needed to let go of Jack. They were clinging onto memories of him, and will of course still miss him and he’ll still be in their hearts. But it was time for them to move on and look ahead to their future. I think them taking deep breaths after his speech was a liberating moment for them.

 Randall’s toast was just beautiful. He gave a beautiful tribute to Kate and Toby. The best part of Randall’s toast? It was the fact that it was interspersed with glimpses into the future!! I really really loved that as I have always loved flashforwards <3 <3

 Future

 Speaking of flashforwards, we are now given a glimpse into the future of the characters.

 1 year later- Toby is back in depression and Kate suggests that he visit a doctor to adjust his meds. While it’s so sad that he’s back in depression, Kate is still there with him and I’m sure she’ll support him through this and they’ll get through this together. * fingers crossed*

 Also 1 year later- Kevin is on a flight to Vietnam, with a photo of Jack in his hand. But…hang on a second, he’s not alone. Who is that lady beside him, leaning on his shoulders? It’s Zoe, Beth’s cousin! And it’s obvious that they are an item now. This leaves a lot of questions- how did they end up together? ( We get to see how they meet though at the wedding). And if Kevin is now with Zoe, how about Sophie? I mean, is Alexandra still on the show? Also, will this mean that Justin will take a break from the show or something?

 20 years later- we see a scene of an adult Tess and an older Randall again. Randall suggests that they go to see ‘her.’ But we don’t know who is the ‘her’ he’s referring to. Lots of people would think that it’s Deja, because it immediately cuts to the scene of Deja smashing Randall’s car. Maybe she gets admitted into a mental institution or something. But, I actually don’t think the ‘she ‘he is referring to is Deja. I’m actually more concerned for Beth and Annie, both of whom are absent from the flashforwards we saw so far. Maybe Beth died and Randall is talking about visiting her grave. This would make sense for Tess to not be ready, as she is still grieving over her mom’s death. Or it might be Annie who is debilitated in some way and is lying in a hospital bed in a coma. I really hope not. It also might be another person,, someone we haven’t even met yet.

 Either way, this was a brilliant episode, which warmed our hearts and made us cry again, and leaves us with so many unanswered questions.

 Until then, we’ll have to endure the long hiatus before the next season returns. Fingers crossed I’ll be able to make the hiatus bearable by writing some This Is Us fics :)  Do not hesitate to send me a prompt if you have one. :)

 Please do let me know what you think of this episode ok- you can reply to this post, reblog with your own comments or send me a message- anon or not, it doesn’t matter. I would just love to hear from you!! <3 <3 <3

[not-all-those-who-wonder-r-lost]

How I Wish Sherlock Would Have Gone (part 3)

Part 1 on TEH can be found here (in my technologically challenged way):

http://not-all-those-who-wonder-r-lost.tumblr.com/post/169321652561/how-i-wish-sherlock-would-have-gone-part-1

Part 2 on TSOT can be found here:

http://not-all-those-who-wonder-r-lost.tumblr.com/post/169343645581/how-i-wish-sherlock-would-have-gone-part-2

I started doing these because I wanted to demonstrate how great Sherlock could be again with minor changes. However, HLV was a clusterfork. I would not even know where to begin with making this episode great with minor changes. So I decided that I would make two versions of this episode. Version 1 with big changes that makes this episode great. Version 2 with small changes that makes this episode goodish. 

Version 1 (big changes):

Mary. I actually really like how Amanda plays her. Except the lazy gay jokes that do not lead to anything in the canon. And there is more. She is brilliant and very talented but the only way she could get married was to pretend to be someone she is not. And I take offense to that. Let’s take a roll call. We have a very rich woman in her 70s who acts like Sherlock and John’s housekeeper because she just loves them so much? We have an accomplished doctor/medical examiner in her thirties who pines over a man who doesn’t want her for YEARS. We have a self-proclaimed gay woman who falls in love with a man? We have Sally who is POC, which is awesome because this show lacks all kinds of representation. Sally sleeps with a married guy, hates Sherlock because he is too smart and plays a big part in Sherlock’s fall from grace in TGG. Did I miss anyone? Mary is such a wasted opportunity to have some strong female representation in this show. I wish she was a villain. A nice, strong, interesting villain. Because as she is, she is just a lesson for all girls out there who want to marry a guy some day. “Oh, it does not matter how clever, skilled or interesting you are. You got to pretend to be a nice, amicable provider (e.g. a nurse) if you ever want a man to marry you. God, forbid he finds out who you truly are! Don’t forget to get pregnant as soon as possible so that if he ever does find out, he won’t be able to leave you!” Long story short, let’s make Mary into a villain. This could done so like it is in the M theory. Or maybe Mary used to work for Moriarty and she decides to take over when he dies. Then, Moriarty’s network starts to crumble and she realizes that something is off. She gets close to John to find out whether Sherlock is really dead. When it turns out he is not actually dead, she decides to stay in their lives because it will be easier to work around them this way. Magnussen finds out about Mary’s background when he was trying to find leverage over Sherlock; however, he does not know the whole story. Mary kills Magnussen the night Sherlock and John break in (not using Janine because that story line is just awful as is discussed below). Sherlock and John get thrown into jail but not before Sherlock gets a whiff of Mary’s perfume at the apartment. Sherlock and John get out on bail, Sherlock sets a trap for Lady Smallwood to find out if it was actually her that killed Magnussen. John knows only half the plan and tells Mary what he knows. She shows up to the trap to find out what is actually going on. Stuff happens and Sherlock shoots Mary who was about to shoot John. I don’t know. I did not think a lot about this. This just came to me as I was writing this. In any case, I wish Mary was a formidable character...

Janine. Ok, let’s put aside the dynamic Janine and Sherlock had at the wedding. Because that really did not come across as these two lovebirds will end up dating. Anyways. Sherlock and Janine have been dating for a month. They haven’t had any sex yet. They haven’t introduced each other to their friends yet. They barely know each other. Then, Sherlock pops the question while SHE IS AT WORK. And she let’s him up instead of calling the cops? Is it me? Am I too jaded for this world? If a guy I barely knew and was dating only a month asked me to marry him, I would freak out. That’s weird, isn’t it? The fact that Sherlock does it while she is at her high security work is so much worse. The least she could have done was to tell him to go home and that they need to have a serious conversation later. And let’s not forget that she is also probably in her thirties. I literally know no woman in their thirties who would be excited to get proposed to after only a month of dating. The only scenario I can think of is maybe two people have been friends for years, they slowly started fall in love with each other but they were too scared to ruin their friendship to ever address those feelings. They finally get together after years of mutual pining. Maybe this could could think about marriage early on. But one months is a bit too short even for them. So let’s add Janine to the horrible examples of women that exist only to ease men’s lives in this show. 

I also have a problem gay coding all the major villains on this show. Can we just not?

I think those three are my biggest problems with this episode. 

Version 2 (small changes)

At the beginning of the episode Mary acts like a jealous psycho. I wish she didn't. “One month! You have not seen him only for one month!” Calm the fuck down Mary. I thought you liked Sherlock. Also, who would not be upset to not see their best friend for a month? I wanna see my friends all the time! What kind of a wife/girlfriend would not be okay with someone missing their friend??

Jokes about John’s dick. Lazy. Have we really sunk so low that we are making dick jokes now?

The awkward John-Janine-Sherlock scene. Did not have to be this awkward. If John is not into Sherlock, why would it be this awkward. Also, Janine comes off a bit unhinged, in my humble opinion. Can we just have a female writer rewrite this scene?

Janine’s reaction to Sherlock’s proposal. Let’s say we just HAVE TO keep this story line in... For some inexplicable reason... I wish Janine would say “What the hell?? Sherlock have you lost your mind? Are you having an episode of some kind? Here come up. Oh my God, Sherlock...”

“MAGNUSSEN (offscreen): What-what-what would your husband think, eh? (Sherlock walks carefully towards a partially open door at the end of the hall.) MAGNUSSEN (offscreen): He ... your lovely husband, upright, honourable... (Sherlock looks through the gap in the door and sees Magnussen on his knees with his hands behind his head and cowering.) MAGNUSSEN: ... so English. What-what would he say to you now?” Oh boy... Such a sexist scene. Why can't Magnussen talk about how she turned her life around now. How she has friends, a husband. How she is no longer this person. Why can’t she change her mind about shooting him because she is a different person now? What does she have to change her mind to please her husband? Just why Mofftiss?

Mary shooting Sherlock. As I have mentioned above, I do not like this plot line at all. She could have killed Magnussen here and the remaining two survivors (Janine and the ex-con security guard) know that there was someone there before Sherlock and John got there. But if this was going to be in the show, I wish Mary shot Sherlock slightly more towards his shoulder. Maybe where John was shot. If it was only “surgery”, make it a bit more obvious so that it doesn’t look like Sherlock surviving was an accident. 

‘Sherlock got shot’ dream scene. I like this scene. It’s a silly scene and I have read discontent comments over the fact that it was not related to the case. I get that. I do have a problem with all the extra “style over substance” stuff as well. I would be fine if this scene was taken out. I like this scene but I rather have substance over style. 

Also at the end of the dream scene “JIM: ... and John will cry buckets and buckets. It’s him that I worry about the most. That wife! (He grimaces and blows out a noisy breath.) JIM: You’re letting him down, Sherlock. John Watson is definitely in danger.” This show needs to decide whether Mary is a villain or not. So Sherlock was so convinced that Mary is a danger to John that he brought himself back to life. However, the fact that he did not die meant that Mary was doing “surgery” and she is not evil/dangerous after all. Instead of “John will cry buckets and buckets. It’s him that I worry about the most. That wife! You’re letting him down, Sherlock. John Watson is definitely in danger.”, Moriarty could say “John will cry buckets and buckets. It’s him that I worry about the most. He barely survived last time. You’re letting him down, Sherlock. John Watson is definitely does not deserve losing you twice.”

“JANINE (softly): You lied to me. You lied and lied. SHERLOCK: I exploited the fact of our connection. JANINE: When?! SHERLOCK: Hmm? JANINE: Just once would have been nice. SHERLOCK: Oh.  (He looks a little shifty-eyed.) I was waiting until we got married. JANINE: That was never gonna happen!” Really? Janine is so sex-hungry, she has such low self-esteem that she wishes the man who “exploited their connection” and constantly lied to her had sex with her AT LEAST ONCE. Is that what straight men want? Do they want sex so bad that they want just any women to throw them a bone even if these women treat them despicably?

“MR HOLMES: Complete flake, my wife, but happens to be a genius. MARY: She was a mathematician? MR HOLMES: Gave it all up for children.” WHY DO WOMEN NEED TO GIVE UP THEIR CAREERS FOR CHILDREN?????? 

I am not sure how I feel about John not looking at the AGRA flash drive. This is the mother of his child. It would be irresponsible to not know what he was up against, to not know about the future complication that will most likely happen (and in fact does happen in canon: TST). Isn’t John a bit too smart, too cynical not to look at it? I mean let’s say that I understand why John would say “The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future ... are my privilege.” But why would anyone assume that the problems of her past will not become the problems of her future? Shouldn’t he know the problems of her past so that he can protect her in the future? 

Also, why does John not look happy to reconcile with his wife?

“SHERLOCK: John – Magnussen is all that matters now. You can trust Mary. She saved my life. JOHN (quietly): She shot you. (Sherlock pulls a face, half-nodding his agreement.) SHERLOCK: Er, mixed messages, I grant you.” *le sigh*

Comments like “Your damsel in distress” are not okay if Johnlock is not the end game.

The twist of Magnussen not actually having the blackmail material. I don’t think I like this. Do people like this? Is this a believable twist? I mean the problem is in order to Magnussen to store the information in his brain, he first has to see them, right? Once he get his hands on this material, doesn’t it make more sense to store it somewhere? Wouldn’t it be cooler if Sherlock and John took the materials and Magnussen was nonchalant about it. Magnussen would say “Go ahead take it. I don’t actually need the proof. I’m in news, you moron. I don’t have to prove it – I just have to print it.”

The tarmac scene... IF THE END GAME IS NOT JOHNLOCK, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH ALL THAT TENSION??? “Just friends” do not have such tension between them. 

Wow, apparently I really hate this episode. Maybe I hate this show!?! How did this happen?? When did this happen??? I think I just assumed all these little details that did not sit right with me was part of a bigger plan. Mofftiss was going to provide a huge twist making Johnlock canon and put down sexism/heteronormativity/etc. When that never came true, we were left with all this queerbaiting and sexists elements. And that sucked. It still sucks. Ugh...

As always, I would like to thank ARIANE DEVERE for her transcriptions of the episodes. The lines from the show have been taken from her transcriptions.

[janeykath318]

Wrong Number 3: McPike

Leah’s wish to suddenly drop through the floor and disappear was not granted unfortunately, though the subject of her embarrassment tactfully did not stick around long. She was glad Jim was her lawyer and she hopefully wouldn’t have to see Pike again, for multiple reasons. After she briefly explained what happened to Kirk, the man sympathized.

“Man, Talk about bizarre luck! But, Chris won’t be an ass about it, I promise. He knows it was an accident and you were upset. Probably won’t bring it up again. He’s a good guy like that.”

“Is he?” Leah inquired. She had good reason to be skeptical about men. Everyone used to say Jack was a good guy, too, until he proved he wasn’t.

“Yeah,” Jim said decisively. “He genuinely likes helping people out. He did me, when I was down on my luck. Plus, he’s one of the most fun people I know. Don’t let the grey hair fool you. The dignified airs are just the professional cover.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it,” she sighed. “I’m glad he’s the understanding type. I could have dialed some total creep.”

The actual divorce case dragged on for weeks and left poor Leah exhausted emotionally and physically. If it wasn’t for her friend’s and Jimsupport, she would have snapped or had a nuclear meltdown. As it was, she struggled mightily.

One particularly hard day, she dragged herself home after work ready to collapse in a puddle of exhaustion and pain.

Jack had been sending her passive aggressive texts all week and it was getting to her emotionally. Not only had he betrayed her, but now he was blaming her for what he’d done.

After the seventh text, she’d had enough and finally blocked his number, sitting down in a great rage to consume a pint of ice cream, since she couldn’t drink. She wished she could cry, but tears wouldn’t come. How had things come to this?

She’d never thought he’d come to resent her so much he’d cheat out of the blue without letting on he was unhappy with her. Leah ran through the last two months of their life together, trying to find clues as to when things had fallen apart. She forced herself to admit that their conversations had were rarely more than surface stuff and both had been so preoccupied with work that they didn’t have the energy to really talk, though still showing each other affection, which was probably more perfunctory in his case.

She had no clue what she she was going to do, raising a baby on her own. She’d so hoped that her future child would have a two parent home and not have to get traded back and forth on weekends. Heaving a sigh, she dolefully watched a TV show and yelled at the screen when a hospital scene showed laughable inaccuracies and incompetence.

“Do they even try to do their research before they shoot this crap?” She muttered, shaking her head at the hopeless amounts of errors.

Switching the channel, she glanced at her phone to see Jim had not yet returned her text. Great. Not even her lawyer was available to vent to.

Then she remembered the other number she had programmed in: the sharp eyed, but kind Christopher Pike. Maybe he had time to answer a quick question.

Sorry to bother you, but I can’t get a hold of Jim and Jack won’t leave me alone. He’s texting me nonstop telling me what a terrible wife I was and how I should have seen it coming.

Within minutes, she heard a responding ding and was surprised he’d got back to her so fast. Surely such an important man has way better things to do, right?

I see Jim’s communication skills failed him again. He’s tied up in court. Ask the ex how fast he wants slapped with a restraining order. That should shut him up if he has any sense.

Leah grinned.

Thank you. I’ll tell him that right before I block his number:)

You’re welcome. How are you doing otherwise?

Leah pondered this for a while before answering. She didn’t want to make herself out to be a pathetic mess, but she was tired of holding it together.

Currently drowning my sorrows in a pint of cookie dough ice cream and yelling at the TV. It’ll be such a relief when this is all over.

He answered back a few minutes later and she actually smiled.

You have very good taste. Cookie dough is Also my flavor of choice. Don’t tell anyone. Jim insists I’m a plain vanilla or strawberry kind of guy. It’s fun keeping up the illusion.

There was a winking emoji at the end of it and Leah was impressed. An older man who used emojis? Rare.

Jim’s the kind who thinks chocolate is the only kind of ice cream and probably makes a huge mess of himself eating it. For a responsible lawyer, he sure can be a child sometimes.

Who do you think gave me all these gray hairs? Pike responded.

LOL. She shot back. It’s a good look on you. What’s your secret to maintaining blissful bachelorhood?”

She felt extremely bold with such a question, but what the heck. He probably thought she was off her rocker anyway.

I’ve always used the “not ethical” excuse, since they were mostly clients. My social life isn’t great, either, despite Jim’s attempts to set me up. I’m kind of a hermit outside the courtroom.

A man after her own heart. Leah grinned.

Jim tells me you’re a fiend when it comes to chess. How are you at Scrabble?

Cutthroat. You want to challenge me?

Sure do. Bet medical jargon crushes legalese.

She smirked as she issued this provoking statement. She knew obscure words he’d never think of in a million years.

When are you free? He texted back.

Right now.

What a coincidence. So am I. Shoot me your address and I’ll find your place.

Leah did so and wondered if she’d gone crazy to invite a guy she hardly knew to come over. Crazy or not, it was still preferential to being stuck with her thoughts and bad TV.

[the-master-cylinder]

Charles Band decided to go after the media market in a different way. He was beginning to make a picture called SWORDKILL in 1982, about a samurai who was frozen in ice, when he realized something. “I had watched all these foreign film representatives take my pictures, license my pictures, and basically go to Cannes and Mifed [the two major foreign film markets), rent an office and make sales, and make a huge commission on basically the fruits of my labor. I thought if I was going to have any control at all, I should go to the foreign marketplace and sell my own stuff, especially since over the years my pictures did very well for everyone. They were very commercial.

“I got many letters from French distributors and Japanese distributors, congratulatory letters saying here’s a copy of our advertising campaign as a momento. So I kind of knew some of the players. I decided to take SWORDKILL, which was just about to shoot, and a couple of other pictures, which I was going to make later that year, and hang my shingle in some hotel room in Cannes and actually begin doing it myself.”

Band came up with the name Empire and the company was formed as Empire International, which, with the aid of Band’s promo reel, was also able to raise funds for upcoming, incomplete projects as well as SWORDKILL. In order to pre-sell domestic rights on an independent picture, one needed to guarantee a certain amount of “p and a” or prints and ads expenditure, so Band figured he ought to set up a modest U.S. theatrical distribution organization and begin to distribute these pictures in order to later sell them to the burgeoning U.S. video market.

Parasite (1982) Retrospective

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983) Retrospective

Ghoulies (1984) Retrospective

Empire is widely perceived as the new American International Pictures, and you as the new Roger Corman. Is that a fair assessment? Charles Band: It’s funny, all these categories, independents, mini-majors, B movies, C movies, I don’t know. We can never be like AIP because the times are different. AIP started out making B pictures to fill double bills they were originally the second feature at a drive-in. That whole market is gone, and maybe the analogy here is that much of what we do fits into the video pipeline. Maybe that’s the new market that allows us to cover most of our downside, but I just feel that we’re here to make good movies. There weren’t too many AIP films, or Corman films, that were good movies. There were many of them, and there were some with all sorts of interesting cult appeal . Some launched careers of a few of today’s big stars. But in terms of track record, if you look at both bodies of work of those two distribution-production concerns, there aren’t too many good movies. I hope that by the time we’re into ’87, at least one out of every two or three of our pictures will be considered a well-made film, and that will last 10, 20, 30 years, forever.

In terms of budgets, Empire seems comparable to AIP. Charles Band: It ‘snot written anywhere that a good picture must cost a ton of money. You don’t have to spend $20 million on a film. We made a small picture last year called Re-Animator. and not only did it get good reviews , but it did well for us as far as its profitability. It’s a picture that cost just about a million dollars, and it had a lot of talent and quality. As we get better, our pictures will get better, and not necessarily more ex- pensive. Our aim is to make real good movies.

What happened with both AIP and Corman is that after they had discovered a talented director or star, they couldn’t hold on to him once the studios offered him work. Can you keep that from happening at Empire? Charles Band: Not only can we, we are. You can be real smart and draft a contract that commits people for two or three films, but the only thing that’s going to bring people back is how you work together. With a few exceptions, the other independents and studios have a very repressive atmosphere. It’s very tough to get pictures made there, and when they’re in the process of being made, rarely do you get to sit down with the studio head, or anyone who understands pictures, for that matter. Those people who are running the studios, for better or worse, are not filmmakers.

The Alchemist (1983) In 1955, young waitress Lenora (Lucinda Dooling) finds herself inexplicably driving down the California highway to an unknown destination. This doesn’t bode well for Cam (John Sanderford), the hitchhiker she picked up, because he has to endure her somnambulist driving. The duo eventually end up at a graveside in the woods and meet alchemist Aaron (Robert Ginty), who is just as shocked to see them as Lenora appears to be the reincarnation of his wife who was murdered nearly 100 years earlier.

The Alchemist was your first directorial effort, how did that come about? Charles Band: Well, I wasn’t the director when that film first started. The guy who was responsible for the trailers on VHS was producing the film at the time and after about three days of production, he called me up and said that the current director wasn’t working out and could I parachute in to help finish the film. The original director had shot about 2-3 days of work and I then finished about 6-7 days of shooting. I have no memory of the director.

The late Robert Ginty was the star of The Alchemist and at the time was coming off success with The Exterminator. What was he like to work with and what was his appeal as a leading man? Charles Band: I had no input in casting Ginty. He was already on board. What I do notice is that with a lot of leading men there is no simpatico in them. Ginty was a very human actor with simpatico and it was sad that he left us so soon. He did come across as an “Everyman” sort of guy.

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Ghost Warrior (1982/1984) a.k.a Swordkill A deep-frozen 400-year-old samurai is shipped to Los Angeles, where he comes back to life. Dazed and confused, he goes on a rampage. Can the female scientist and her colleague who revived him stop him before it’s too late?

Trancers (1984) Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) is a police trooper in the year 2247 who has been hunting down Martin Whistler, a criminal mastermind who uses psychic powers to turn people into mindless “trancers” and carry out his orders. Deth can identify a tranced individual by scanning them with a special bracelet. All trancers appear as normal humans at first, but once triggered, they become savage killers with twisted features.

Before he can be caught, Whistler escapes back in time using a drug-induced time-traveling technique. Whistler’s consciousness leaves his body in 2247 and travels down his ancestral bloodline arriving in 1985 and taking over the body of an ancestor, a Los Angeles police detective named Weisling. Once Deth discovers what Whistler has done, he destroys Whistler’s body—effectively leaving him trapped in the past with no vessel to return to—and chases after him through time the same way. Deth ends up in the body of one of his ancestors: a journalist named Phil Dethton.

With the help of Phil’s girlfriend—a punk rock girl named Leena (Helen Hunt)—Deth goes after Whistler, who has begun to “trance” other victims. Whistler plots to eliminate the future governing council members of Angel City (the future name of Los Angeles), who are being systematically wiped out of existence by Whistler’s murder spree of their own ancestors. Deth arrives too late to prevent most of the murders and can only safeguard Hap Ashby (Biff Manard), a washed-up former pro baseball player, who is the ancestor of the last surviving council member, Chairman Ashe (Anne Seymour).

Deth is given some high-tech equipment, which is sent to him in the past: his sidearm (which contains two hidden vials of time drugs to send him and Whistler back to the future), and a “long-second” wristwatch, which temporarily slows time, stretching one second to ten. The watch has only enough power for one use, but he later receives another watch to pull the same trick again.

During the end fight with Whistler, one of the drug vials in Jack’s gun breaks, leaving only one vial to get home. Jack is forced to make a choice: kill the innocent Weisling (who is possessed by the evil Whistler), or use the vial to send Whistler back to 2247, which would strand Jack in the present. Jack chooses to inject Weisling with the vial, saving the lieutenant’s life but condemning Whistler to an eternity without a body to return to. Jack then decides to remain with Leena in 1985, although observing him from the shadows is McNulty, his boss from the future, who has traveled down his own ancestral line, ending up in the body of a young girl.

Interview with actor Tim Thomerson

Tell us about this journey of Jack Deth. Tim Thomerson: I got this role as a character named Rogue in Metalstorm (1983), and we started working, and that was my first time working with Charlie Band. I had a lot of fun with it, Charlie was fun to work with, and kind of left me alone, which I like. I don’t like a lot of direction. We had quite a lot of fun doing it and then this idea for TRANCERS came up. This is still Empire now, so fast forward to late 1984 early 1985. The FUTURE COP was the original title for TRANCERS, so I went to Danny (Bilson) and Paul (De Meo), and we had meetings together. They were fans of these Philip Marlowe type detective guys, so we were all in love with that genre, and I always liked Sam Spade, Humphrey Bogart, just a fan of that particular character. Charlie wanted to do this cop that comes from the future in LA today, meaning from the year, 20-something. So Charlie didn’t really care what we did with the character from what I remember, so Danny and Paul wrote up this guy Jack and so that’s how that was born. When the character transformed into the other body that was named Philip, it’s a tribute to Marlowe. That was Danny and Paul’s idea, to write it up like that, and for there to be some kind of dialogue and kind of the crispy kind of way of saying. You’ve seen that movie right?

Many, many times. Tim Thomerson: Yeah, so for what it is and for the time that it was shot, it’s a pretty classic B movie I think.

The opening of the film is great, the cross between the future and the past and that noir-like feeling is easy to get on board with. Tim Thomerson: I think it really had its own feeling about it. I thought that while we were shooting it, even though it’s a silly ass movie. But it just had a feeling, you know? Charlie was great to work with on set, and was funny, had a winning personality, and Helen was just a hilarious girl. She really is a funny chick. The performances were really good too; you can tell they got along.

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The Dungeonmaster (1984) Paul Bradford (Jeffrey Byron) is a skilled computer programmer who lives with his girlfriend, Gwen (Leslie Wing), and “X-CaliBR8,” a quasi-sentient personal computer that Paul programmed and which he interacts with via a neural interface. Gwen is jealous of Paul’s unusually close relationship with X-CaliBR8, to whom Paul has given a female voice, and fears that their relationship will be destroyed by Paul’s reliance on X-CaliBR8 for his various day-to-day activities. One night, Paul and Gwen are both transported to a Hellish realm presided over by Mestema (Richard Moll), an ancient, demonic sorcerer who has spent millennia seeking a worthy opponent with whom to do battle. Having long defeated his enemies with magic, Mestema has become intrigued with technology, and wishes to pit his skills against Paul’s, with the winner claiming Gwen. Arming Paul with a portable version of X-CaliBR8 (which takes the form of a computerized wrist band), Mestema begins transporting Paul into a variety of scenarios in which he must defeat various opponents. Most of the challenges involve Paul using his X-CaliBR8 wristband to shoot people, monsters, and objects with laser beams. After Paul completes Mestema’s various challenges, the two engage in a final battle, which takes the form of a fist fight in which Paul kills Mestema by throwing him into a pit of lava. After Mestema dies, Paul and Gwen are transported back to their house, where Gwen expresses her acceptance of X-CaliBR8 and suggests that she and Paul get married.

David Allen on the stop-motion for the “Stone Canyon Giant” David Allen first became involved in directing an episode of Charles Band’s DUNGEONMASTER almost two years ago, as a test for working with Band on THE PRIMEVALS, a property they have in development together. Although Band had already directed his segment of the film, no clear story had been worked out. The film had been sold on the basis of its premise-a showcase of effects sequences-and it had to be delivered quickly. Band suggested doing a sequence which featured a large statue brought to life (as in JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS), and Allen agreed.

Allen spent two days on location, shooting mostly in continuity without storyboards, then three weeks, off-and-on, in the studio to do the effects. According to Allen, the finished segment is “heavily footnoted with explanations for why it didn’t turn out better. We’d do something and think it was okay and then get the shot back from the lab-but we’d already be working on a new shot. A couple of shots are okay, but there are so many below-par scenes. I wanted to go back on location almost a year after the original shooting and redo the first shot of the statue in Dynamation-a split-screen effect all on the original negative. A good first shot would have better set the stage.”

Allen would also have liked a chance to introduce the statue “more poetically, with music,” but he never had an opportunity to speak with the film’s composer, Richard Band. “A pause for mood and atmosphere would have given the sequence some intelligence, but in the time allotted I didn’t think of it.”

Besides doing animation for his own segment, Allen provided two effects for other sequences of the film: for an exploding car, Allen took an explosion he had photographed years ago and superimposed it on the shot, for the conclusion of the film he provided a shot of the evil magician falling into a lava pit. “Band came up with that at the last minute–the film was written as it went along. I did it for a few hundred dollars, using a six-inch doll, some old cliffs I’d used long ago, and oatmeal. I didn’t think it would work, but with all the fire and smoke I put in there it came out, maybe not wonderful, but credible.”

Although dissatisfied with the final result, Allen nevertheless enjoyed the experience. “I learned a lot,” he said. “I got the camera where it needed to be. I enjoyed getting everything done in two days. I was scouting locations sometimes only twenty minutes ahead of the camera crew.”

Interview with Jeffrey (Paul) Byron

This was your second adventure with Band’s band; were you excited to be back in the B-movie saddle? Jeffrey Byron: Sure! I had a great time on METALSTORM and every actor likes to work. So doing a second movie right afterwards was great.

Seven chapters and seven directors Jeffrey Byron: Indeed. It was il fun and unique experience and was ahead of its time. It was a clever idea. It was like doing se ven separate films, which was very cool.

What was your favorite segment and why? Jeffrey Byron: That’s easy! The one that I wrote (SLASHER) about the serial killer. My older brother Steve Stafford directed it, and I was able to hire some close actor friends to be in it. It was a blast!  Being directed by my brother Steve was a great experience. He is a talented filmmaker and in some respects this segment inspired him to get more and more directing jobs Plus I got to hire some great actor friends to be in the segment I wrote. That was gratifying as well.

Do you have insight or back story as to the name change? Jeffrey Byron: I don’t recall how that happened. That was up to Charlie Band. He was a wiz at that kind of stuff. He came up with all the rates. I assume he changed the title because he got more traction with THE DUNGEONMASTER, because of the popularity of DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS

As in METALSTORM, you had to square off against Richard Moll, but this time as an ancient demon. Was he a more worthy nemesis this time round? Jeffrey Byron: Richard and I got to know each other on METALSTORM, so we had a warmer rapport on the second film. We had a perfectly good relationship on the first film, but we knew each other better by the time we did this film and he was a pro so it was a great experience

Any RAGEWAR trivia or lesser known facts you can share with us? Jeffrey Byron: All the scenes that were shot in my characters apartment..were actually shot in any actual apartment!

What was next for you after THE DUNGEON MASTER? Jeffrey Byron: Quite soon after I jumped into the soap opera world. They had been chasing me down for awhile and I finally agreed to do ONE LIFE TO LIVE. After I left that show. I went on to do ALL MY CHILDREN, THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL and finally PORT CHARLES. I did other work in between but the soaps were my bread and butter.

The Dungeonmaster was a try-out of several different directors. Charles Band: “It was a fun idea. I’ve always done things a little differently and we had a number of directors at the time who all wanted to direct features. We were getting pretty prolific and it was exactly that. I think there were seven directors, if I’m not mistaken. There were more that we were actually looking at but seven wound up directing seven little chapters in this Dungeonmaster film. I would have to think real hard to remember who directed what, but that’s what happens. We made a strange little film.

“It’s actually a fun film to watch. Part of what low-budget films suffer from is you usually are relegated to one location because that’s all you can afford. Unless you are really adept at story-telling and casting, you need to make these movies much more character-driven. Dungeonmaster’s one of those films which diverts you with seven or eight different environments. If nothing else, it certainly looks colorful! It made a great trailer, that’s for sure.”

Savage Island (1985) Women who have been captured and sold as slave labor to a South American emerald mine hatch a plan for revolution and revenge.

Empire seems very loyal to its people  given a few pictures, everybody gets to direct. Is that a deliberate policy? Charles Band: Definitely. It’s rare that talent is Just born overnight. It takes time and it’s crazy for a big company to gamble with its resources on a new director. If it turns out wrong, it makes no sense going and spending the time. It makes more sense to educate people here and pay for the tuition, so to speak. Some turn out to be wonderful and some take more time. I can’t think of one that we’ve worked with so far that hasn’t picked up the Empire banner and shown promise.

People like Brian Yuzna and Stuart Gordon, and other directors who have had good experiences with us and are now making their second or third film with us this year, find that our whole directive here is making movies. That’s where all our energy goes. We’re passionate about making movies. That makes their lives much easier because we can work well together. David Schmoeller just finished a picture for us called Crawlspace that turned out very well, and he has had several offers to go elsewhere to make pictures. Well, he has turned them down to make two more pictures back to back for us. I don’t know if the offers were for substantially more than what we’re paying him, I Just know that the experience on Crawlspace was real good for all of us. and good for him creatively. Once a script is approved and we know what we’re spending on a picture, we give the directors total free reign to make their movie.

Re-Animator (1985) Retrospective

Zone Troopers (1985) In Italy in World War II, four members, led by their grizzled sergeant (Tim Thomerson), of an American military patrol are lost behind enemy lines. They discovers an alien spaceship that has crash-landed in the woods, along with its crew. The alien pilot is dead, and one of the aliens has been captured by the Nazis, hampering efforts of the aliens to return home. A larger Nazi unit, with scientific and medical personnel, also investigate the crash and seek to capture the alien’s technology and use that to win the war. However, the aliens side with the Americans after the Nazi’s actions to their crewmember.

Another popular title was Zone Troopers. How did that come about and where did the concept come up? Charles Band: Well, I had Danny Bilson and Paul Le Meo, who wrote Trancers and the stars of that film Tim Thomerson and Art La Fleur on board. I also had a wonderful Production Designer and Art Director and it also gave me an opportunity to go back to Italy as I grew up there. Some people don’t realize that the likes of Crawlspace and Troll were, along with Zone Troopers, filmed in Italy rather than the USA. It was a great set-up for about three years as we got some good films made, but then things changed and the dollar and lira value changed, so it became difficult to continue to film there, but we are very proud of those films.

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Zone Troopers was also directed by Danny Bilson, who had an interesting time of it. “We had a German army of Italian-speaking extras,” Bilson recalls. “We had to have these Nazi SS troops come across a meadow, and they looked like Girl Scouts. Trying to be Mr. Director, I went to show them how to do it. We’ve all played army when we were little kids, and you know how to do it, but when I was right in the middle of showing them, I slipped into this big pile of cow slop. Paul (De Meo) cried out helpfully, ‘But do you want them to fall in the cow shit?”’

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“We had a lot of fun with the Italian prop men,” De Meo chimes in, “One of them came up to us and asked where he should put these two bottles of gin. We wondered what the bottles of gin were for and started looking through the script, thinking that maybe we forgot something. It turned out that somewhere in the script was a description that said two GIs are playing gin. Another time, a prop man bought a pineapple because he didn’t know that was a‘40’s term for a grenade.”

Bilson is very happy working for Empire. He calls it a secure environment that constantly provides an opportunity to work. He feels that the experience he and others are gaining will build confidence and lead to better-made films. Paul De Meo compares the working atmosphere with “almost being like working at Warner’s in the ’50’s. There are lots of people making lots of movies In all kinds of genres.” Bilson Is particularly proud of the fact that he’s been able to work in low-budget, exploitation films without “ever having to do a women-in-prison film or a slasher movie nothing I would find morally objectionable. That’s just not our meat-and-potatoes.”

Do your writers come up with concepts? Charles Band: Most, if not all. of our projects come from my titles and concepts. That’s a reward for me, to get to dream things up and then assign various projects and concepts to writers and see the picture get made and distributed. So, it’s a little different than the way other people work where they have 200 script submissions a week and they hope to find one and develop it. We’re lucky enough not to be looking for any projects. If anything good comes along, we’re here to read it. We still have our hundred script submissions, but basically, we’re Just looking for good writers. Very few of our projects Just walk in the door perhaps one in the last year. We have hundreds of concepts we’ve been developing over the last few years, and those are the ideas that will become movies.

It sometimes seems that the lack of control works out well when you have a Stuart Gordon around, but there are some films Eliminators comes immediately to mind  that needed somebody to step in and say, “This isn’t working.” That script Just didn’t seem ready. Charles Band: True, but that’s the script’s fault, not the director’s. It’s impossible to predict how a project is going to turn out. You can do all the right things and it Just doesn’t work. On the other hand, you can make 500 mistakes and suddenly the picture works. You want to make sure you have the best script possible, but sometimes things are rushed, and that shows. It always comes down to the script. Sometimes the script reads real well but it Just doesn’t play that way. Eliminators was one of the best scripts we’ve ever had here. It reads great. Why the script reads so well and the picture isn’t so good to some, the picture is fun and works; to others, it’s disjointed if you read the script, you’ll find a really well-written, fun script, very cohesive, very weird. I have no defense, or no explanation for why some pictures work and some don’t. The best we can do is to make certain we start off with a good script and that the talent we assemble is right, then hope for the best. You just don’t know. You don’t even know when you see the dailies. There are some times when you see the dailies and you’re in love with every shot, and it gets put together and it just doesn’t work.

Trancers was one of the best things Empire has done and I was surprised it didn’t do better. Charles Band: So was I. It was one I directed, so I was anxious to see it work. But it was the least effective of all the first year’s pictures. That’s another sad thing: There’s no telling which picture is going to work.

Was it supposed to be the first in a series? Charles Band: Yes. I always wanted to make an inexpensive series, not something that would cost tons of money and be hard to get off the ground. We could have made two of those movies a year. I love the character of Jack Deth and the whole thing would have been fun to do. We were even close to doing another one in spite of the first’s failure, just because ‘why not?’ But we’ll come up with something else someday. Tim Thomerson’s a major talent and no one’s used him right except us in Trancers .

Paul De Meo and Danny Bilson have written another film that will begin production soon, Journeys Through The Darkzone (1986). Bilson will direct. “It’s about these guys who work on a dumping fishing station where people get their anxieties out through recreation,” Bilson reveals. Then people start disappearing from this colony on this water planet. It’s a little like Outland. An investigation leads to this attraction, which is an alien machine which can project you into an alternate reality to satisfy your fantasies. But it has hidden dangers.”

The pair are currently scripting Arena (1989), which they describe as Body and Soul in space. Arena is based around a fantasy sport and involves a bid for a new champion, racketeering and space gangsters.

The Caller (1987) One night, an unusual stranger in need asks a woman living alone in a house in the woods if he can use her phone. It soon becomes clear that they’re playing a strange mind game and that there’s something very wrong about the woods.

The History of Empire Films Part Two Charles Band decided to go after the media market in a different way. He was beginning to make a picture called SWORDKILL in 1982, about a samurai who was frozen in ice, when he realized something.

[bkwrm523]

So, this was supposed to be submitted to @imaginemycroftholmes , but my desktop is being obnoxious about it.  Posting it and tagging them, with permission.

Name: Sara

Age (note that if you are under the age of consent your score will be significantly lower for Marriage, Friendship and Partnership): 30

Gender: Female

Occupation: Administrative Assistant (fancy way of saying secretary)

Nationality: USA

Country of origin: USA

Personality type (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator): INFP

Education: Bachelor’s degree

Marital Status (if not applicable put N/A): Not married

Number of children (if not applicable put N/A): 0

Who would you shoot out of John, Sherlock, Mycroft and why: Mycroft.  The Holmes brothers are more likely to understand if I’ve been forced into it.  Sherlock tends to be a bit more emotional and unpredictable than Mycroft.  Also, Sherlock’s been shot a few times, that we know of, and Mycroft hasn’t (that we know of), so I think it’s Mycroft’s turn (it said “shoot”, not kill.  I have terrible aim and I’ve never used a gun; Mycroft is probably safe)

Height: 5’2 (of sass and insecurity)

Position in the family (oldest, youngest, middle): youngest, only non-firstborn in my immediate family

Best subject: Literature

Favorite Subject: Literature or History

Worst subject: Math

Last song listened to: Rag doll by Aerosmith

Favorite color: Purple

Thoughts on Molly and Sherlock’s impending relationship: If they’re finally hooking up, then I’m super happy for them!

Illness/allergies/impairments: I suspect I’m autistic, and I have anxiety and depression.  They’re both usually under control.

Last sentence uttered to another living human being: Where’s the turkey?

Hair color/length: short (about chin length when I remember to get it trimmed often enough).  Natural color is a very nice dark brown, but I usually dye it red.  I’ve considered dying it purple, but it hasn’t been possible so far due to my job.  Maybe in the future.

Who do you feel more sympathy for Sgt. Donovan or Anderson’s wife: Anderson’s wife.  I’m not exactly the most informed in the situation, but Sgt. Donovan hasn’t seemed to show any remorse when she’s wronged someone, has a bizarre vendetta for Sherlock, and probably knew Anderson was married when she got involved with him (okay, I’m guessing on a lot of these).  The only thing I know about Anderson’s wife, is that her husband cheated on her.  Possibly my opinion would change if I knew more.

Eye color: Blue

Constantly cold, hot or prefect: Usually hot. (meaning I prefer colder temperatures, to clarify)

Seven Noteworthy skills (ex: can play an instrument, fire most guns, ride a unicycle, etc.): I’m a pretty good liar (probably not by the standards of Sherlock or Mycroft, but I can fool the average person).   I’m a decent gamer (PC).   I don’t speed-read, but I’m a pretty fast reader. I’m not good at coming up with positive things about myself. I’m a very good reader - I read Hamlet by myself when I was 12 just to prove that I could.  Read a couple other advanced books at a young age to prove that I was good at it. I’m a writer - I don’t have much inborn talent, but I’ve worked really hard at it for as long as I remember, so I’ve learned to be very good at it. I’ve been dealing with mental issues (as listed above) by myself from a pretty young age, so I’m used to coming up with my own coping mechanisms.

Nine noticeable sins: (ex: moody, bad listener, selfish, etc.): I’m impatient. Shy I tend to be a bit selfish, but it’s a flaw I’ve been working on for years and am pretty good at stepping on those impulses these days. I’m not good at detecting subtleties in conversation; you often have to be blunt with me or I may not understand. I’m a second generation geek I’m not good at communicating it when I’m in emotional distress and need help I’m not good at keeping in touch with friends

Languages known/spoken: English, I can swear a little in Orcish

Cats, dogs, both or other: I don’t have any pets, but I’m a dog person and I’m allergic to cats.

How often you help your community (1 never, 2 sometimes when prompted, 3 average, 4 often, 5 weekly): 2

Favorite Holmes family member: … this feels like a trick question, so I’m gonna cheat and say Sherlock & Mycroft’s dad.

Body type (1 obese, 2 overweight, 3 averages, 4 fit, 5 skinny): 2

Number of past lovers (put N/A if virgin or not seeking marriage): N/A

Level of cleanliness (5 slobs, 4 messy, 3 average, 2 pretty clean and 1 spotless): 4

Would you rather piss off Sherlock or Mycroft: This is a really tough one, but I’m gonna say Mycroft.  They’re both reasonable people, but I feel like Mycroft is less emotional, and therefore would be easier to reason with so I could make amends.  

Rate your mental health on a scale of 1-5 with one being terrible and 5 being fine: 2.5

Rate your confidence on a scale of 1-5 with 1 being poor and 5 being Sherlock levels: 2

Combat level (1 sitting duck, 2 somewhat okay, 3 can hold their own, 4 pretty damn good, 5 a proficient fighter): 3

Circle of friends: Very very small.  About five or so people I chat with on a daily basis.

Who do you side with more Sherlock or Mycroft: … I dunno.  I don’t like to get in the middle; infp’s tend to loathe conflict and I’m no exception.  I will say I think the Holmes clan has been epically unfair to Mycroft lately.

Level of intelligence on a scale of 1-5: I’d say a three, but I think people who know me would say I’m being modest and give me a 4.  I’ll let you decide which to believe.

Who do you side with more Mycroft or Mrs. Hudson: Mrs. Hudson.

Introvert or Extrovert: Introvert.

Political alignment: In the USA’s system, I’m an independent that leans towards democrat.  I’d rather decide each issue individually than tie myself to any one party.  The UK’s system, I’m not sufficiently familiar with to say.

Who would your rather be trapped in a long car ride with Mummy Holmes or Holmes Senior: Mummy Holmes, I guess; she’d probably be easier to have a conversation with.  I don’t think I’d mind with either of them, however.

Go to outfit for everyday: Jeans and a tshirt on my days off (tshirts I buy plain solid ones, then I buy fabric paint and stencils and put geeky stuff on them).  I have work attire that’s usually black formal pants, black modest undershirt, and a button down formal shirt in some sorta color.

Go to outfit to impress: I refer you to the formal outfit above.

5 hobbies (not to be confused with noteworthy skills): Gaming (PC), creative writing, reading (fiction), sewing, watching movies

Opinion of Rosie Watson and Mary Watson: Rosie seems like a perfectly sweet and normal baby.  I’m so sorry she lost her mom, though.  Mary, I’m glad she was happy with John at the end, and I’m so sorry it didn’t last.

Favorite music/book/movies: Music, I really don’t feel that strongly about.  I listen to heavy metal, but I wouldn’t say I have a favorite song.  Books and movies it’s the opposite problem; I love too many to pick just one.  However, I have a go-to answer to both questions for the purpose of conversation.  Favorite book - The Hobbit.  Favorite movie - Havey (to clarify, the one starring Jimmy Stewart)

How well you take rejection on a scale from 1-5: with five being the best?  I’m gonna go with 4.5.  Not a five because I’m not that overconfident.  Yeah it may hurt, but we’ve all been there before (either being rejected or doing the rejecting, whatever), and I’m an adult.  Last time I got rejected, I just said “okay”, walked away, and we remained friends for years after.  It never came up again.

Religious or religious affliations: Agnostic.  I try to be a live-and-let-live type, as long as the other person doesn’t harass me to try & convert me.

Kids or no (note this is wanting them not the ability to have them): I don’t have any at the moment for financial reasons, but I do want them one day.

Out of the Holmes family (Siger, Violet, Sherlock and Eurus) who would you kill, maim, kiss or roommate with and why:

Kill: Eurus.  I know I’m being self centered here, and I am sorry for that, but she comes off to me as a whiney baby that couldn’t take platonic rejection and decided to punish everyone for it.  Grow up. Maim:  Violet, I guess.  I don’t really have super strong negative feelings about anyone else, but she seems to have an attitude that Mycroft is less important than Eurus, and that irritates me. Kiss: Sherlock.  I can tell him it’s for a bet and kiss him on the cheek.  Also, I definitely don’t want to be his roommate; I like sleep. Roommate: Siger.  Don’t know that much about him, but he seems nice.

Do you think what Mycroft did with Eurus (at the time) was justified and needed: YES.  And his parents’ response to finding out about it all was, IMHO, immature and extremely rude.  It’s understandable that their emotions were high in the situation, but there was absolutely no excuse for taking it out on Mycroft.

Please bold the following that you wish to have with Mr. Holmes: Friendship Partnership Marriage Mentorship

A detective who was mere days away from cracking an international oil smuggling ring has suddenly gone missing. While inspecting his last-known location, officers find a note: 710 57735 34 5508 51 7718. Currently there are 3 suspects:Bill, John, and Todd. Can you break this answer and tell me the reason.  I’m gonna have to admit defeat on this one.  I could google it, but I’d rather not cheat.  I have no idea, sorry.

What belongs to you but others use it more than you do?  Your name.  Heard this one before :)

Dwayne Johnson was running away with the loot from a heist in his car along with Vin Diesel. One tire was punctured and he dropped down to replace it. While changing the wheel, he dropped the four nuts that were holding the wheel and they fell into a drain. Vin Diesel gave him an idea using which they were able to drive till the rendezvous point.  Take his loot and get into Vin Diesel’s car.  There’s no reason I can think of why they can’t share a car.  Unless you can space out the remaining nuts on the tire to hold the tire onto the car; probably wouldn’t be good enough for very long, but should be good enough to get them to the rendezvous point, or far enough to ditch the car somewhere safe.  Whichever.

[imaginemycroftholmes]

Name: Rachel

Age (note that if you are under the age of consent your score will be significantly lower for Marriage, Friendship and Partnership): 27

Gender: F

Occupation: Teacher

Nationality: Caucasian

Country of origin: US

Personality type (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator): ISTJ

Education: Bachelor’s Degree

Marital Status (if not applicable put N/A): N/A

Number of children (if not applicable put N/A): N/A

Who would you shoot out of John, Sherlock, Mycroft and why:  John.  He’s been shot at before, knows what to expect, knows how to handle wounds and trauma.  He is also very good in high pressure situations.

Height: 5’2”

Position in the family (oldest, youngest, middle): Youngest (by a minute I’m a twin! :P )

Best subject: English

Favorite Subject: English/Music

Worst subject: Biology

Last song listened to: Emperor’s New Clothes by Panic at the Disco

Favorite color: Purple

Thoughts on Molly and Sherlock’s impending relationship: Good luck.  I hope she has the patience of a saint.  Though I have a feeling she will keep his butt in line! 

Illness/allergies/impairments: Seasonal allergies, eczema

Last sentence uttered to another living human being: Could you please help me?  I can’t reach.

Hair color/length: Collar bone length; orange and red

Who do you feel more sympathy for Sgt. Donovan or Anderson’s wife: Anderson’s wife.  Not only did she have to go through the cheating, she also had to go through the downward spiral that was Anderson after Sherlock “died.”

Eye color: Hazel

Constantly cold, hot or prefect: Cold

Seven Noteworthy skills (ex: can play an instrument, fire most guns, ride a unicycle, etc.): Classically trained musician (Opera, piano, ukulele, guitar), can pick locks, can change a tire, handy with tools, organizational master, good at memorization, and good at negotiating/deescalating situations

Nine noticeable sins: (ex: moody, bad listener, selfish, etc.): Perfectionist, overthinking, moody, anxiety, terrible sweet tooth, self-deprecating, frequent shopper, pessimism, and sarcastic

Languages known/spoken: English, some Spanish, Does music note reading count as a language (it should! :P)

Cats, dogs, both or other: Dogs, allergic to cats L

How often you help your community (1 never, 2 sometimes when prompted, 3 average, 4 often, 5 weekly): 4

Favorite Holmes family member: Mycroft

Body type (1 obese, 2 overweight, 3 averages, 4 fit, 5 skinny): 2

Number of past lovers (put N/A if virgin or not seeking marriage): N/A

Level of cleanliness (5 slobs, 4 messy, 3 average, 2 pretty clean and 1 spotless): 2

Would you rather piss off Sherlock or Mycroft: Sherlock.  To really piss Mycroft off…may God have mercy on your soul

Rate your mental health on a scale of 1-5 with one being terrible and 5 being fine: 3-4

Rate your confidence on a scale of 1-5 with 1 being poor and 5 being Sherlock levels: 3

Combat level (1 sitting duck, 2 somewhat okay, 3 can hold their own, 4 pretty damn good, 5 a proficient fighter): 3

Circle of friends: 2-3

Who do you side with more Sherlock or Mycroft: Probably Mycroft.  Sherlock throws himself into insane situations, many times without a lot of planning. 

Level of intelligence on a scale of 1-5: 4-5

Who do you side with more Mycroft or Mrs. Hudson: Mrs. Hudson.  She sees things that he simply cannot because she thinks in a different way than he does.

Introvert or Extrovert: Introvert

Political alignment: Left

Who would your rather be trapped in a long car ride with Mummy Holmes or Holmes Senior: Holmes Senior

Go to outfit for everyday: T shirt and jeans when I’m not at work, casual dress and flats when I’m at work

Go to outfit to impress: A-Line cocktail dress, nice heels, curled hair, smart makeup with a bold lip

5 hobbies (not to be confused with noteworthy skills): Singing, crocheting, writing, reading, and playing room escape games lol

Opinion of Rosie Watson and Mary Watson: Rosie is the most precious child to ever grace this Earth and Mary Watson was a loving wife and mother

Favorite music/book/movies: Music: folk, rock, oldies  Book: murder mystery Movies: Action/Comedy/Science Fiction/Classics

How well you take rejection on a scale from 1-5: 3

Religious or religious affliations: None

Kids or no (note this is wanting them not the ability to have them): Maybe?  Not sure.

Out of the Holmes family (Siger, Violet, Sherlock and Eurus) who would you kill, maim, kiss or roommate with and why:

Kill: Eurus—Any other option would leave her a danger to herself and others Maim: Violet—Her mind would still be intact and Siger would still be able to take care of her Kiss: Siger—Wouldn’t make it awkward, and dealing with his family he deserves a peck on the cheek :P Roommate: Sherlock—he seems like as annoying as he might be as a roommate, he could be very handy and useful in certain situations

Do you think what Mycroft did with Eurus (at the time) was justified and needed: I believe that Eurus was and is still a threat to herself and others.  She is extremely mentally unstable and needs constant surveillance, which any kind of civilian service would not be able to provide for her.  While she seems to be happier now, I don’t believe she will ever be allowed to be released into the public.  I think, which the decision is extremely tough, and will impact the lives of those around her, that the decision is both justified and needed.

Please bold the following that you wish to have with Mr. Holmes:

Friendship

Partnership

Marriage

Mentorship

=======================================================================

There are 10 sets of 10 coins. You know how much the coins should weigh. You know all the coins in one set of ten are exactly a hundredth of an ounce off, making the entire set of ten coins a tenth of an ounce off. You also know that all the other coins weight the correct amount. You are allowed to use an extremely accurate digital weighing machine only once. How do you determine which set of 10 coins is faulty?

I think what you have to do is take one coin from the first set, two from the second set, three from the third set, going all the way up to ten.  When you weigh them, you will know which set is the one with different weight by how many hundredths the weight is off by, e.g. if the weight is off by five hundredths of an ounce, you will know that it was the fifth set that had the irregular coins.

Bruce is an inmate at a large prison, and like most of the other prisoners, he smokes cigarettes. During his time in the prison, Bruce finds that if he has 3 cigarette butts, he can cram them together and turn them into 1 full cigarette. Whenever he smokes a cigarette, it turns into a cigarette butt. One day, Bruce is in his cell talking to one of his cellmates, Steve. “I really want to smoke 5 cigarettes today, but all I have are these 10 cigarette butts,” Bruce tells Steve. “I’m not sure that will be enough.” “Why don’t you borrow some of Tom’s cigarette butts?” asks Steve, pointing over to a small pile of cigarette butts on the bed of their third cellmate, Tom, who is out for the day on a community service project. “I can’t,” Bruce says. “Tom always counts exactly how many cigarette butts are in his pile, and he’d probably kill me if he noticed that I had taken any.” However, after thinking for a while, Bruce figures out a way that he can smoke 5 cigarettes without angering Tom. What is his plan? 

If you take 1 of Tom’s cigarette butts, on the 5th cigarette you will be left with a butt to put back into Tom’s pile (See drawing)

What is the true origins of a fortune cookie?—Okay this may be wrong.  But don’t they originate in the US…I think in California.  

Answered correctly: 2/3

Mycroft’s answer:

Dearest Rachel,

It is nice to find your submission gracing my hands once again as finding educators is a very herculean task with the increasing demand needed in the colonies. Although I am not a religious man myself I pray that your career receives the needed assistance and respect that it deserves considering the amount of work most teaches put into their craft for the sake of the students and on a grander scale; the future of civilized society.  It almost takes a person worthy of sainthood in order to find people that are willing to teach with such a large dagger hanging precariously over their heads should they fail to meet state standards but to those that stay or choose that journey I salute them.

While I find it a bit disconcerting that you would hold favor with Mrs. Hudson over me when pitted against one another I can see why the choice would be made should we be too similar in nature however, with political aliment I have no doubts we would see differently enough not to need Mrs. Hudson’s interference in order for us to butt heads metaphorically on a subject. I find no surprise that most are choosing to maim mummy and kill Eurus but am colored surprised when people would actively share a space with Sherlock even after the whole debacle with Mary. Sherlock is not an easy person to room with and I say that as both his brother and former co inhabitant from when he was detoxing, then again rooming with my father would also be rather strange so the question tells me a lot about the person when the choose between the four.

I do agree however that reading sheet music should constitute for a form of language as few outside of musicians themselves can read it. I know in the beginning Sherlock had some trouble learning it unlike Eurus who took to it faster than anyone could anticipate. In fact I would dare say that Eurus was only ‘playing dumb’ in order to get Sherlock to play with her. I appreciate that you would choose to piss off my baby brother as you would indeed be correct that crossing me would be...detrimental to any persons social, financial, and mental well-being but rest assured I am not prone to overly emotional outbursts and dramatic plots at revenge unlike some people in the Holmes family I could name.

Moving forward I would find it interesting to talk more about this over coffee but sans the sweets (I’m on a diet currently and Sherlock has taken to texting me ‘Hey fatty’ almost every hour on the hour until I lose a stone) but I predict that such a exception won’t put you off too much correct?

See you at precisely at 2:54. My assistant will text you the location and details.

-M     

Friendship: 8.79/10

Partnership: 9.1/10

Marriage: 7.99/10

Mentorship: 10/10

[latinalesbi]

Why do you say that Jesus has a grudge against Lena?

I say that because Noah’s interview mentioned that he’s angry at particular people. It’s clear that he’s mad at Lena. It could be his reaction to the diary entry. Curiously in his dream, it was Lena that was walking away from him.

 Anonymous said:                                                                      DO you think that Stef and Lena do little romantic things for each other? just with noah leaving that poem. it made me think whether Stef and lena do little things for each other.             

I don’t know. I don’t know that either one is the type. I think the most you’ll see are all those things that stef did for Lena’s birthday. Stef may not be the most creative, but she was trying! Reminded me of that time she stopped for the massage lotion.

Anonymous said:                                                                      i think Stef and Lena are doing their best as parents and robert is a idiot.             

It’s easy to be weekend dad and to come in with money. What Stef and Lena do is harder, given the damaged kids they have to deal with. I think given who these kids are and where they come from, the most important thing they need is to feel loved and wanted. And they get that. Robert is ugh. He’s like Trump to me right now.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I always get the impression that Stef is so much more in love with Lena. than Lena is with Stef. i think it’s because Stef is so physical with her love             

Well, Lena is very giving with her words. She has had the best speeches of love. Stef hasn’t expressed that love vocally. I think their love for each other is equal but different.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Is Mike still in love with Stef?             

I have always thought so. It’s why he hasn’t been able to move on. And falling in love with the woman attached to Stef’s kids, how convenient.

Anonymous said:                                                                      How do you feel about the claim that Brandom is actually a POC because David is half Puerto Rican? They way I see it, David is Puerto Rican, not Brandom. He plays the biological son of Mike and Stef. Maia is from Austrailia, but Callie is not Australian. If every character was the same ethnicity as the actor, then a lot of American characters would actually be British. Or if we don’t count America, then several British characters would actually be Scottish or Irish or whatever.    

David is Puerto Rican. Brandon is white. So there’s no claim to be made. End of story. Brandon’s bio parents are white.

I mean, Brandon’s ex gf, what’s her name, Cortney, the actress is Mexican, but her character is white. It’s ironic that both David and Denise are fluent Spanish speakers while the actors playing latinos are not. I still don’t think Noah is latino at all. I am waiting for proof. Remember, being latino is not a race, it’s a cultural identification. We come in all colors.  

                                                                                                Anonymous said:                                                                      I feel like Robert might get custody and the last scene is Callie saying goodbye to her family. That would be a hard scene to shoot. Or she has to go to jail and has to say goodbye.        

Anonymous said:                                                                      Why do I feel like the scene that Maia was talking about in the finale is her leaving the moms to live with Robert? Just this episode and the way she smiled at Robert and not Stef and Lena.                

Let’s hope not. I don’t believe that, I am now hoping that what actually saves Callie is Stef and her work against the crooked cops.

  Anonymous said:                                                                      we got about 3 “babe’s” tonight & they came from both of them & i absolutely love it 😍 not that i mind them calling each other “honey” but it’s nice to see some diversity in the pet names. stef said it once before during the pool scene & lena said it when stef zipped up her dress cause the Rivera’s where coming over for dinner. these felt authentic & real & seemed to flow easily. i wonder if sherri & teri call each other “babe” in real life … i wouldn’t be surprised lol             

It’s special when Lena says something other than honey. I am pretty excited about that. I don’t know where the babe comes from but I am pretty sure they write the honey in for Lena.

Anonymous said:                                                                      whyyyyyy won't they let stef and lena kiss on the lips? like it's torture to have them kiss and stef is so close. but in that stef and lena scene that hug was everything. you can see lena pulling her wife in and grabbing and holding her wife so close, she needs her. i love intimate scenes like that with them             

I am still going to be patient on this. I mean it called for it a couple of times last episode so it’s annoying. The hug was amazing and Teri and Sherri are doing their best. They are still in crisis so I am going to withhold judgement. I say it’s hard for me though. I am dying for more.

  Anonymous said:                                                                      I'm so happy that Callie said she loves AJ! I'm really worried that they're gonna make brandon and callie a thing one day in the future tho, hopefully not!!  

 I am so glad that Callie said that and that she means it. Too bad she’s such a wreck. AJ deserves better. Honestly, this season has made that clear, Brallie’s done.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I saw these random posts that said Teri P. is secretly married...? Sooo random. Think it's possible? I'm not against her actually being in a relationship because I'd love to see her with someone but this is news to me. Just wondering if anyone else saw the same thing.   

Where? I haven’t seen anything like this. This is silly.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Why havent Teri and Sherri been at the Ellen show yet?  

 Ask Ellen. It’s really too bad

Anonymous said:                                                                      Would you be down to make a gif set of all of the times Stef gives forehead kisses? Because those kill me. Ahh I love how compassionate she is to her kids and Lena.

Unlikely as I tend to focus my gifs on Stef and Lena, not them with the kids.

  Anonymous said:                                                                      I'm not worried because he will probably get away before anything major happens. Probably just a lesson. At least I hope so. Jude should be smarter than that tho. Maybe someone finds him though his phone.            

He’s making stupid mistakes now too so I don’t think he’s smarter than anything. I am just hoping he finally lays off the weed.

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[daleisgreat]

Small Town Santa

The Christmas movie blogs continue this month with today’s entry for Small Town Santa (trailer) from 2014. In the previous Christmas movie blog for Die Hard, I referenced how that was the film that finished off a Christmas movie marathon gathering I had last weekend. Small Town Santa was the film I decided to start it off with since it is more of an all ages family film ideal for earlier in the day. I first saw Small Town Santa last year at my sister’s household on Christmas weekend off Netflix and there was something about its earnest plot and sheer heart that won me over and convinced me to get the DVD. The man I will forever associate as the Superman of the 1990s, Dean Cain, leads up a low-budget cast of unknowns in this unorthodox Christmas film. Cain portrays local town sheriff, Rick Langston. He is winding down his time as the local sheriff as he awaits his big-city promotion, but a twisting Christmas Eve night like no other changes Rick’s life when he arrests an intruder in his home who bears a striking resemblance to good ‘ol St. Nick (Paul Hopper). This Santa shows Rick the error of his ways and how to overcome his strained relationship with his daughter Kara (Kara Langston) and find new love in newcomer to town, Lucy (Christine Lakin).

In the initial scenes Sheriff Langston does not appear to be all that terrible of an individual as he helps put up a homeless person in jail so he does not freeze overnight, and gets local kids to shovel for an elderly person for the winter after he catches the kids egging a house. He appears good-hearted and then does a sudden shift in attitude when his ex-wife will not let him spend Christmas Eve with his daughter and he finds out last minute his promotion got denied. That is when Rick bumps into Santa, and despite Santa’s best intentions, I could not get over how inadvertently creepy this Santa comes off on screen. Santa’s tone of his voice is a bit too nice, he is dressed in untraditional Santa attire, he has this mischievous look in his eyes and has a presence on him that looks like he is about to con you out of something throughout the entire film. I do not blame Rick for mistaking him for an intruder at all! It is worth noting the two main acting veterans here are Cain and Lakin as nearly the rest of the remaining cast gives the impression that this is one of their first roles which likely explains why Santa does not sound as well-intentioned as his dialogue indicates. Somehow, I find this oddly endearing. A lot of town locals reach out to help Rick regain his Christmas spirit throughout, and it was amusing watching Rick give them all the cold shoulder and chastise a group of brazen carolers who chuck snowballs at his vehicle. Once Rick admits his wrongdoings Santa grants him some Christmas wishes to have custody of Kara for Christmas, hit it off with Lucy and make it over to a Christmas party that night the movie was building up to throughout for the closing scene of the film where everyone takes in some good ‘ol fashioned Christmas cheer.

Aside from a trailer, there are no other extra features on the DVD, not even subtitles! That is when you know a film is low-budget is when they cannot set aside some resources for the subtitles. Shame! For what it is worth the menus do have some slick snow globe-esque animations to them. Small Town Santa sounds like a traditional family Christmas film that hits the right notes on paper, and in a way it is by how I earlier mentioned this movie has tons of heart and tries its best with its limited funding. I want to once again re-emphasize that Small Town Santa wears its small budget and inexperienced cast on its sleeve and that results in some scenes falling flat and at least a handful of the lesser cast members who had no right to be there. However, like I said before, it kind of gives this unintentional endearing effect where I found myself patting the cast and crew on its back for trying to make a Christmas movie like no other which faults aside, ultimately has a good message in the end! It is like Small Town Santa is kind of like the Birdemic/The Room of Christmas movies….maybe not that drastic but kind of in that direction. Other Random Backlog Movie Blogs 3 12 Angry Men (1957) 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown 21 Jump Street Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie Atari: Game Over The Avengers: Age of Ultron Batman: The Killing Joke Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Bounty Hunters Cabin in the Woods Captain America: Civil War Captain America: The First Avenger Captain America: The Winter Soldier Christmas Eve Clash of the Titans (1981) Clint Eastwood 11-pack Special The Condemned 2 Countdown Creed Deck the Halls Die Hard Dredd The Eliminators The Equalizer Dirty Work Faster Fast and Furious I-VIII Field of Dreams Fight Club The Fighter For Love of the Game Good Will Hunting Gravity Guardians of the Galaxy Hercules: Reborn Hitman Indiana Jones 1-4 Ink The Interrogation Interstellar Jobs Joy Ride 1-3 Man of Steel Man on the Moon Marine 3-6 Metallica: Some Kind of Monster Mortal Kombat National Treasure National Treasure: Book of Secrets The Replacements Reservoir Dogs Rocky I-VII Running Films Part 1 Running Films Part 2 San Andreas ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery The Secret Life of Walter Mitty Shoot em Up Steve Jobs Source Code Star Trek I-XIII Take Me Home Tonight TMNT The Tooth Fairy 1 & 2 UHF Veronica Mars Vision Quest The War Wild Wonder Woman The Wrestler (2008) X-Men: Days of Future Past

[njawaidofficial]

How 'Sharknado' Casts Its C-Listers and Nearly Landed Trump as President

http://styleveryday.com/2017/08/03/how-sharknado-casts-its-c-listers-and-nearly-landed-trump-as-president/

How 'Sharknado' Casts Its C-Listers and Nearly Landed Trump as President

Months before he declared himself a candidate, Trump was set to play commander-in-chief in the schlocky Syfy film franchise that has lured everyone from Ann Coulter to Charo for cameos while regular Tara Reid makes a quarter of one male co-star’s pay.

In January 2015, two years before he was sworn in as president, Donald Trump was set to step into the same role in a very different capacity: He had signed on to play the president in 2015’s Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Producers’ first choice to play the leader of the free world in the Washington, D.C.-set disaster film was Sarah Palin, but negotiations with the former Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee had fallen through. That’s when Ian Ziering, the gung-ho star of the schlocky Syfy franchise, had the inspiration to capitalize on the special relationship he’d developed with Trump while taping Celebrity Apprentice (Ziering made it as far as the penultimate task). His reality TV boss would make a good commander in chief, he reasoned. An offer went out. Almost immediately, it elicited a response.

“The Donald said yes,” recalls David Latt, the 51-year-old co-founder of The Asylum, the off-brand assembly line behind the Sharknado series. “He was thrilled to be asked.”

Alas, Trump never did get to fend off a swarm of hammerheads in the Lincoln Bedroom. (More on why later.) But his story is far from unusual — just one of thousands of familiar faces who have been approached to star in a Sharknado, in what has grown over the course of five films into Hollywood’s D-list answer to a federal jobs-growth program.

“It’s the long-lost love child of The Love Boat and Hollywood Squares,” offers Scotty Mullen, the bubbly casting director responsible for wrangling more than 80 celebrity appearances in Sharknado 5: Global Swarming, which airs on Syfy on Aug. 6, with a splashy live viewing party in Las Vegas that night. (In true low-budget form, Mullen does double-duty as the newest installment’s screenwriter.)

It sounds like the recipe for a fatal drinking game, but fret not: You’re not expected to spot them all. Some of these faces are famous only overseas, while others haven’t been seen in decades. But you probably will recognize a few, including Charo as the Queen of England, Fabio as the Pope, Clay Aiken doing a spoof on Q from the James Bond films and Olivia Newton-John in her first screen role in 17 years, playing a scientist who gives star Tara Reid a Grease-style makeover.

If this terrain is familiar to anyone, it’s Charo, a fixture on such stunt-casted 1980s escapist fare as The Love Boat and Fantasy Island. The 66-year-old star was already a Sharknado fan when she was approached to play Her Royal Highness. “I think the Sharknado movies are hysterical,” she says, pronouncing it “shark-NAH-doe.” “Nowadays especially, we need shows that put a smile on your face. Coochie coochie!”

Coochie coochie ka-ching, that is: Sharknado has become an invaluable, if unlikely, crown jewel for Syfy, watched by tens of millions around the world (the globe-hopping new film capitalizes on that international popularity), registering billions of Twitter impressions and popping up in everything from Jeopardy! questions to The New York Times crossword puzzle.

But it began as just another title in a string of B-movies commissioned by Syfy — no-budget thrillers with names like Bats: Human Harvest and Mongolian Death Worm. Its path to the screen was fairly straightforward: An executive at Syfy heard the word “sharknado” and said, “I love it. Let’s make it.”

Asylum, which has cornered the market in this strain of cinematic dreck, was brought on to produce. They paid screenwriter Thunder Levin (his real name — “It was the ’60s,” he says) $6,000 to turn the word “sharknado” into an actual story — which he did, concocting a tale of a freak cyclone that scoops deadly sharks out of the Pacific and flings them at unsuspecting Angelenos.

With Sharknado script in hand, producers approached more than 100 actors to play male lead Fin Shepard, including Kevin Dillon, Dave Foley, Seth Green, John Stamos and Fred Durst. All of them passed — even the Limp Bizkit frontman, after being told he could also direct. The closest anyone got to signing on before Ziering was Back to the Future‘s Crispin Glover.

“I ended up in this 30-minute conversation with him during a location scouting in San Pedro,” recalls madcap director Anthony C. Ferrante, whose genuine enthusiasm for the franchise — he coined the word “sharknado” and has helmed all of the films — calls to mind a slightly more self-aware Ed Wood. “He wanted to play Fin like he had brain damage or something. And in my head I’m like, ‘OK — my job here is to make sure he says yes to the movie.’ ” Glover said no anyway.

But then something exciting happened: A legitimately talented and famous actor — John Heard — signed on as the movie’s comic-relief barfly, George. (Heard died July 21 while undergoing back surgery; there was barely a mention of Sharknado in tributes.) Reid was next to board, playing Fin’s ex-wife, April. This was after Teri Hatcher, Rebecca Romijn, Tiffani Thiessen and several others had already passed. Still, Reid was considered a big get for the project, whose title was proving to be a potent actor-repellent. “Tara had a profile,” says Gerald Webb, an actor and casting director who worked on the first three films (and appeared in the second). “Syfy liked her.”

With production commencing and still no Fin, a frantic Asylum went back to Ziering, who had already passed several times, and raised the offer to $100,000, according to a source with knowledge of the deal. Also a key conciliation: The title was changed to Dark Skies. (Syfy later changed it back to Sharknado, much to the cast’s dismay.) At the urging of his wife, who had just given birth and wanted Ziering to qualify for SAG medical insurance, he finally said yes.

And then a funny thing happened on the way to the DVD bin: Something about the movie’s ludicrous title and its cast’s commitment to the equally ludicrous premise (the film climaxes with Ziering’s ex-surf champ diving into a great white with a chainsaw) made Sharknado an instant cultural phenomenon when it premiered on July 11, 2013.

While ratings were modest — 1.37 million tuned in — the film lit Twitter on fire, with everyone from Patton Oswalt to Mia Farrow (“Omg omg OMG #sharknado”) singing its so-bad-it’s-good praises.

As a result, Sharknado 2: The Second One was a very different animal. “Everybody wanted to be involved,” recalls Webb. “Every C-list and D-list actor on the planet.” With the unlikely franchise’s new cachet, Asylum decided to take a kitchen-sink approach to casting, with Latt instructing Webb “to literally ask every celebrity we could think of. We came up with a list of a thousand people, including many A-listers.” Most passed. James Franco was a nonstarter. (There was hope he might be up for a cameo after his arc as a serial killer on General Hospital.) William Shatner’s agent replied with a single word: “Sharkna-no.”

But there were a few notable turns in the New York-set sequel, including Judd Hirsch and Airplane‘s Robert Hays playing into type as a taxi driver and jet pilot, respectively; rapper Biz Markie as a pizza chef; and Richard Kind as a Mets legend who bats a shark into the scoreboard. In many cases, their lines were written when they showed up on set.

Sharknado crews are nonunion (they staged a strike on the third installment and were replaced), but the films are SAG-AFTRA-compliant. “Everyone makes the same amount — a flat rate — and nobody was making close to their quote,” says Webb of the cameos. Asked if the pay — for anywhere from two to four hours of set time — would cover the cost of a Ford truck, Webb responds, “Absolutely not. Well, maybe a really beat-up one that would be at the junkyard a week later.”

Bigger roles, which require several days of shooting, pay more. Chris Kattan, whose career has seen some hard knocks since Saturday Night Live, was reluctant to take a cameo in Sharknado 5 — but was open to playing the meatier role of the U.K. prime minister, a part he approached “dead seriously. They were into me doing it that way.” He has gotten good feedback from his co-stars. “Ian said, ‘You’re going to be really, really happy with it,’ ” says Kattan. “So it’s not like Mariah Carey in Glitter — where nobody said anything.”

Mullen, 37, was a struggling screenwriter working as a publicist when his spec script Double-D Island (“It’s like The Hunger Games but topless”) got him noticed by Asylum, which first put him to work writing jokes for Kelly Ripa on Sharknado 2. “They said, ‘We forgot to write something for her,’ ” he recalls of the fateful phone call. “I said, ‘How soon do you need something?’ They said, ‘Well, we’re lighting her now.’ “

But it’s Ann Coulter whom Mullen credits with his big break. Asylum wanted the conservative firebrand to play the vice president in Sharknado 3, but was having no luck through her agent. Mullen suggested the company go through her publicist — “Sharknado‘s more of a publicity opportunity than a thespian exercise” — and Coulter “jumped at the chance. So then they asked me if I was interested in doing more of this.” Asylum agreed to pay Mullen a per-cameo bonus.

He sees his role as very different from that of most casting directors — people whose calls, typically, are eagerly answered by agents and managers. Instead, Mullen says, “you’re always selling them on the publicity value. An agent won’t care because they just want the money, and there is none. But if you pitch it to the publicist, they see all the value to be gotten out of it. You’re here to ride the hell out of that crazy publicity train.”

If it’s really true that there’s “no such thing as bad publicity,” Sharknado is determined to test those boundaries. Some of the most reviled figures in pop culture have popped up as chum. In Sharknado 2 alone, there was Andy Dick (who “was having a tough day that day,” says Webb — Ziering had to hold up cue cards with Dick’s lines on them), Perez Hilton (swallowed whole on a subway platform) and Jared Fogle (“You should really be eating fresh, too,” says Subway’s then pitchman, currently serving 15 years in a federal prison for child porn possession and having sex with minors). Among the few stars Asylum has rejected: porn legend Ron Jeremy, who once stopped by the offices to pitch himself.

Sharknado 3 features a cameo by Anthony Weiner, the disgraced ex-congressman who in May pleaded guilty to sexting with a 15-year-old girl. “I guess I am on that C- to D-level cusp of celebrity that they were looking for,” Weiner told THR in 2015. “But I wouldn’t have conceived of doing it if I were going to play myself.” In fact, a sexting-scandal spoof was exactly what the producers wanted; when Weiner refused, he was enlisted to play a dull NASA administrator instead. Most of his performance was edited out.

For Sharknado 5, everything is bigger, starting with the budget ($3 million, double the cost of the original) and star salaries — Ziering now makes $500,000 per picture. Asylum manages to limit costs when it comes to Reid’s paycheck — she makes about a quarter of what her male co-star earns on each installment. She protested the disparity during the filming of Sharknado 3. Syfy later asked fans whether or not to kill off her character — but the network flatly denies that the two incidents are related. (Fans voted to let her live.) “I think Sharknado cares more about their ‘extra of the day’ than they do about their own cast,” Reid says, clearly weary of the franchise. “You work at something for five years and you don’t get treated as well as someone who shows up for a single day?”

She may be on to something, as the piled-on cameos haven’t added up to higher ratings for the franchise, which peaked at 3.87 million viewers for 2014’s Sharknado 2 before dropping to 2.77 million viewers for 2016’s Sharknado 4. The newest installment — which introduces the concept of wormholes to the, uh, Sharknado mythology — shot on location in London, Tokyo, Rome, Sydney, New York, Los Angeles and Sofia, Bulgaria. Some cameo players were flown to those far-flung places (Greg Louganis jetted off to Sofia to play an art thief), while others (Fabio, Poison’s Bret Michaels — also a Celebrity Apprentice alum) shot a few close-ups at home in L.A., with their stunt doubles in rocker wigs doing the heavy lifting overseas.

Lee Mountjoy, a London-based casting director, was brought on to fill out the ranks and went about enlisting local talent Katie Price (the “Kim Kardashian of the U.K.”) and diving champion Tom Daley — Mountjoy randomly “bumped into him in a train station in London. I said, ‘Do you know Sharknado?’ And he said, ‘Oh, my God, definitely!’ “

Similarly, the Asylum guys ran into George R.R. Martin at a Comic-Con event in 2014, whereupon the Game of Thrones author confessed to being a Sharknado superfan. “I own a theater in New Mexico, and they wouldn’t let me play it,” bemoaned Martin. The producers pulled some strings, and Martin was able to screen the original movie at his theater. (He later showed up in Sharknado 3.)

“We look for cameos from all areas of pop culture to appeal to every fan watching the movie,” says Josh Van Houdt, Syfy’s vp original co-productions. “Whether we’re casting a professional athlete, reality star, actor, musician or politician, our goal is to include a wide variety of stars for viewers to either get excited about or, on the flip side, witness getting eaten by a shark in a spectacular fashion.”

And so it might have been for our 45th president. “We got pretty far,” says Webb of the Trump negotiations. “It was serious talks.” A contract was drawn up and sent to Trump attorney Michael D. Cohen — the same attorney currently under FBI investigation in connection with the Russia inquiry.

But enthusiasm turned into weeks of silence from the Trump camp. Eventually, a reason for the stalling emerged. “Donald’s thinking about making a legitimate run for the presidency, so we’ll get back to you,” Latt recalls Cohen saying. “This might not be the best time.” With the production clock ticking, Asylum pulled the trigger on a backup plan, offering the role to Mark Cuban — a modest casting coup that Syfy trumpeted with a press release.

“Then we immediately heard from Trump’s lawyer,” recalls Latt. “He basically said, ‘How dare you? Donald wanted to do this. We’re going to sue you! We’re going to shut the entire show down!’ ” Contacted by THR, Cohen acknowledges a dinner with Ziering to discuss casting Trump but says he has no recollection of the angry correspondence.

Webb, now at his own production company, is philosophical about the dustup. “I took it personally, but I get it now,” he says. “That was my moment of doing business with Donald Trump. And that’s Sharknado.”

This story first appeared in the Aug. 2 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. To receive the magazine, click here to subscribe.

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My Toddler Is Slow With Potty Training. Now, My MIL Is Hinting That Im A Bad Parent

Every once in a while, life throws you a curveball. And when that happens, my weekly advice column Ask Becca is here to help!

If you have a question or concern and need some advice, you can send it my way at AskBecca@LittleThings.com!

Each week, I scour reader submissions looking for relevant questions that might help a lot of different people. I love opening up the conversation, and getting even more reader advice in the comments section!

Last week, we tackled a whole range of issues including introducing a third party to the marital bed, talking to a child in transition, an ex with addiction issues, and two unkind moms and got lots of amazing bonus advice from the readers!

This week, we’re going to be discussing potty-training, pushy parents, a cheating boyfriend, and beach body confidence.

Send your own questions to AskBecca@LittleThings.com, and scroll through below for my very best advice!

Photo Credit: Flickr /makelessnoise

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Potty-Training Blues

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

My son just recently turned 3 and I’m having trouble with potty training.

He has no problem sitting on the potty, but he will not go on the potty. I have tried everything and am at a complete loss.

My in-laws are constantly nagging at me about how he should be potty trained by now and how to raise him.

[They]always have something to say and they are always putting me down like I’m such a horrible parent. It really upsets me.

Any suggestions on how to get him to go on the potty and getting my family to back off a little?

Sincerely,

Frustrated and Annoyed

Dear Frustrated,

Let me be the first to say, your in-laws sound like a couple of grumps!

Maybe their parenting days are so far in the rearview mirror that they don’t remember, but potty-training is a pain in the butt.

It’s really easy for them to be Monday-morning quarterbacks where your parenting is concerned, and conveniently forget about all their own foibles.

I guarantee they had potty-training problems of their own! It’s also worth noting that just-barely 3 iswell within the normal range for potty-training.

Most kids start learning around age 2, and figure it out between ages 2 1/2 and 3 1/2. Boys also tend to take longer to learn than girls, by as much as three months.

Your kiddo is getting the toilet thing he just needs to get comfortable!

Tell your in-laws to cool their jets; having such a strict idea of when a child should be potty-trained isn’t healthy for anyone.

If your son senses he’s letting people down, the stress might actually delay his progress.

As for helping him along, just gettinghim on the potty when he seems ready to go is the key.

Beyond that, you can consider trying a method like the marathon three-day potty training approachthat helps kids figure out the basics fast.

Honestly, though, I wouldn’t stress. He’s grasping the first steps, and he’s going to learn at his own pace. Your in-laws will just have to deal!

Lots of luck on your potty-training adventures!

Becca

Wedding-Crazy Parents

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Dear Becca,

My ex comes home in a month, and my family insists that we are going to get married.

I have told them repeatedly that we aren’t.

They don’t give all my siblings the same treatment.

How do I get my point across without hurting anyone?

Sincerely,

Single

Dear Single,

Parents are lovely and wonderful human beings, but sometimes they just don’t know when to back off.

That can be especially true if Mom and Dad love your ex a whole lot more than youever did. I think you just have to tell them the plain and simple truth.

Say, “Mom and Dad, I love you guys and I know you want what’s best for me. But trust me when I say that [ex] isn’t it. He and I just aren’t good together, and I don’t feel that way about him.”

To be perfectly honest, it sounds like what your parents really want here is a wedding.

Are you the oldest in your family? They may just be excited for the future, and are putting all the pressure on you to deliver a big, exciting wedding day.

Just tell them that some things can’t be rushed. If you get married one day, it will be on your own terms, and you’ll wait for the right person!

I don’t think they have any right to feel “hurt” just because you choose to let a major life milestone like marriage develop at its own pace.

Enjoy the single life as long as you want! You’ll know when you’re ready for the next step.

Becca

Lying Boyfriend

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

So, I have been in a relationship with a man that is 13 years younger than me. I am 50 and he is 37.

We have been together for almost three years. Two of those three, we’ve been living together.

My problem is he constantly tells people we are just roommates… Or that he lives in his camper in the backyard.

He even told the ex wife this story. I heard this one from his sister. She wanted to know whose camper it was and why I was making him sleep out there.

I have received messages from total strangers on Facebook asking why I have pictures of ustogether and why my status says we’re in a relationship.

I commented on his picture one day and this stranger asked why I felt like I needed to comment, because they are talking to him and I shouldn’t care what my roommate does.

So I told him he could consider himself that “roommate” he so desperately wanted to be. My daughter is at college, he can have her room. My house, my bedroom.

Do you think he went to that room? Nope, crawled in bed with me. Acted like I didn’t say a word.

It’s my house should I make him leave?

Thank you,

Not Your Roommate, Your Relationship-Mate

Dear Not-Your-Roomie,

Usually, I’m a big advocate for working through your relationship and figuring out the next step slowly.

Here, however, I’m going to advise you to take decisive action: kick this freeloader to the curb. This guy is using you, big time.

He’s a piece of work who wants intimacy from you, and the full run of your home, but still wants to sleep with other women. It certainly seems like he’s got another flame on the side, perhaps several.

All these strangers starting conflicts with you online are presumably other women he’s involved with, who seem to believe you are misrepresenting yourself as his girlfriend.

I have no doubt that he is giving them all sorts of lines about why your Facebook profile is so different from the “just roommates” story he tells.

You have had a lengthy relationship with this man, so I understand why it might be hard to cut ties, but I think it would be for the best.

He’s little more than a mooch, leaning on your kindness to feed his womanizing ways. You’ve already taken the hardest step by breaking up with him, now it’s time to finish the task and give him his walking papers.

Never forget, you deserve better than a lazy jerk who calls you his roommate.

Good luck, don’t lose your nerve!

Becca

Not Beach-Body Ready

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Hi Becca,

I really hope you can help me; I have a self-confidence issue and I just don’t know what to do.

I live on the coast, which I normally love, but I dread the summertime.

All my girlfriends love hitting the beach and don’t think twice about stripping down to their swimsuits.

They all have nice bodies, and they feel confident in how they look. I want to hang out with them and join in on the beach days, but I just feel lousy about my body.

I have stretch marks after having two kids, and I have a skin condition that flares up from time to time and makes me really self-conscious. I can never just relax and feel confident.

What do I do? How do I relax and enjoy a beach trip with my friends when I am hyper-aware of how I look every single minute? Please help!

Wannabe Beach Bunny

Dear Beach Bunny,

You know what? I can almost guarantee that every lady in you group of beautiful, confident girlfriends gets just as nervous about bathing-suit season as you do.

In fact, they probably think of youasthe outgoing girl with the killer bod. There’s a girl right now thinking, “I wish I had Beach Bunny’s long legs and winning smile.”

You write that you have a skin condition and stretch marks. I would bet you $100 that no one else ever notices these minor “flaws.”

They just make you feel self-conscious because you are so aware of them, and you end up feeling like you have a spotlight trained on your every trouble spot.

In fact, all of your friends are probably busy stressing about their own minor imperfections you know, the ones that you have literally never even noticed.

The honest truth is, weall dread bathing-suit season, but we don’t have to.

By the time you actually hit the waves, nobody is laser-focusing in on another woman’s cellulite or hairy mole, because you’re at thebeach! All that stress and buildup tends to dissolve the second you stretch out in the sun or jump into the water.

And if you’re still too hung up on feeling awkward in your skin, remember this: you areperfect.

Your amazing body has produced two children! It takes care of you every day, so it deserves a trip to the beach.

If it makes you feel more confident, start treating you skin condition and stretch marks a few weeks in advance so you’ll focus on them less. Then? Just relax!

At heart, you’re a total sun-kissed surfer babe. The second you relax into the salt and sand, you’ll remember that!

Build a sand castle for me!

Becca

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

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