#maybe look at some videos to tell me what stuff does

[the-jade-jester27]

Gang I'm getting the program together to make video game and if I quit this in like a week hold me accountable I really want to do this

[spikeyjo]

also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks

[senseiwu]

Just saw a video where someone mentioned reading the curious incident of the dog in the night time, and they thought afterwards they may have autism too. When they brought it up to their mum, she was like "you knew??" cause apparently she'd done that thing people seem to do where they keep an autism diagnosis secret from their kids

It made me remember when my grandma gave me that book to read when we were all at her place for Christmas. She said something like "I think you'll really like it", which confused me cause I was more into fantasy stuff than mystery novels. I mean. I did really like it. But it's one of the things that makes me wonder... did my parents do that thing too...?

[authorhjk1]

SNSD Village

Season 1 Episode 2 : A busy Sunday

(Tiffany X Yoona X Eunha X Minju X Male Reader)

You check your phone as you walk out of your room. After waking up, your throat is feeling kinda dry, so you’re on your way to the kitchen. It seems like Tiffany sent you a message an hour ago. You smile when you read what it says. She wants to make another video. She uploaded the other two yesterday. 

“I got some positive feedback, so why not go for another round?”

“I’m down, but I was gonna head to the gym later.”

You remember that you also have to work on your homework with Minju and Eunha separately today. Your Sunday is already packed.

You sigh as you walk down the stairs. Maybe you shouldn’t have slept this long.

“No problem. Meet me there.”

Raising an eyebrow at Tiffany’s message, you reach the end of the stairs. What is she up to? Does she expect you to sleep with her at the gym? You have to admit, you’ve never really had sex in public. But maybe, if no one is there…

You get yourself a much needed glass of water, before leaning against the fridge in the kitchen. While you drink, you quickly respond to Tiffany.

“Would you mind putting some clothes on?”

Your mom is now coming down the stairs. She told you last night that she has an important meeting at another company on Tuesday, which means she will be out of the house until then. 

“I just woke up.”

You see that Eunha sent you a message too. Probably about the homework she has to do.

“That doesn’t mean you can just walk around in your underwear.”

Lifting your head, you earn a disapproving look from your mom.

“Especially when my assistant is here.”

Your heartbeat stops for a second, before you turn towards the living room. There she is. Chou Tzuyu gives you a slim, but visibly amused smile. Now you’re very aware of the fact that you really are almost completely naked. But you try to play it off. In your eyes, you’ve worked out more than enough recently, to feel comfortable in your own skin.

“Good morning, Miss Chou.”

“Good morning, Mr. Seo.”

You smile at her, hoping you don’t look awkward.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m good. Thank you.”

Now she looks around you, focusing on your mom.

“Ms. Seo? We need to leave now, if we want to catch the plane.”

“Right, Right. Give me one more minute, Tzuyu. Why don’t you start the car? I will be there in a moment.”

Chou Tzuyu slightly bows in your direction, before heading towards the door.

“Behave yourself.”

You turn around, your mom now grabbing a cup of coffee Tzuyu probably bought her on her way.

“Mom, you don’t have to tell me that, everytime you’re gone for a couple of days.”

“Oh, really? Do you want to go over this again?”

You roll your eyes.

“Good. Now, Jisoo will be staying with you two, while I’m gone. And I will ask her what you’ve been up to, once I’m back, got it?”

“Yes, mom.”

You finish the water and place the glass on the counter.

“She will be here in two hours. So please stay here with Seri until then.”

“I will.”

“Good.”

Your mother grabs her purse and walks past you.

“Give me a kiss.”

She smiles at you, before presenting you her cheek.

“Mom. I’m not a child.”

A glare from her makes you shut up and place a kiss on her cheek.

“Have a safe flight.”

You mumble, before you watch her heading out.

“I’m struggling with homework. Could you maybe come over and we can do it together?”

You read Eunha’s message as you walk back upstairs. You already planned on doing homework with Minju today and now you are determined to not miss out on going to the gym. So you first think about saying no. But maybe the three of you could work together?

“I have a lot of stuff to do today. But I was going to do the homework with Minju anyway. I’m gonna ask her if it’s okay if you join us.”

“Thanks, oppa. I appreciate it.”

You send Minju a message, before taking a shower and getting dressed.

“Oppa, I’m hungry.”

“I know. You already told me that.”

You reach for a drawer and take out Seri’s favorite snack. Cookies. 

“But only two. Jisoo will be here later and she will make you lunch.”

You hand Seri the cookies. You watch her as she starts to munch on them. They aren’t big, at least for you, but Seri is holding one with both hands.

“You’re cute.”

You pat her head, before opening the fridge.

“Thanks, oppa. I get that a lot.”

“Really?”

You barely suppress a laugh as you fix her a glass of milk.

“Yes. Mom says it everyday.”

“She is not wrong.”

You slide the glass over the table.

“But she never says it to you.”

“Yeah, because I'm not as small as you, shorty.”

After taking your mom’s leftovers from last night out of the fridge, you put them in the microwave.

“I think you’re cute, oppa.”

“Well, thank you, Seri.”

You lean against the fridge as you watch her take on the second cookie. She threw a fit, when your mom bought a different kind than usual a week ago. But it seems like Seri has forgotten all about that already. Actually, she even declared that these are now her favorite. 

The sound of the front door opening makes you look up from your phone. Minju just texted you that she is fine with Eunha being there too. But since her sister has a friend over, the three of you can’t work at her house. After informing Eunha, she happily invited the two of you to come over to her place.

“Oh god, yes! Make them watch!”

Tiffany cries out as you keep up the pace. She is bent over the big, silver stability ball. Only her hands and feet are touching the ground.

After you’re little roleplay a couple of minutes ago, you are now fucking her from behind, while filming her with one of her cameras. Tiffany made you pretend to walk in on her pilates class and then accused you of staring at her inappropriately. After some back and forth, she then acted surprised by your visibly hard cock in your shorts, completely forgetting about the imaginary people who are attending her class. She said something about adding some chatter and gasps here and there during editing, to really make it seem like there are more people in the room.

But right now, it’s only the two of you.The second camera is placed between you and Tiffany and the other people, filming her from the front, while you capture the view of her ass from behind. She is still wearing her white sports bra, but the sweater she tied around her waist is already lying in some corner of the pilates room. Her white leggings are only pulled down to her knees, so her ass and thighs are exposed.

Being stuck in this compromising position means for her, that she can’t do anything, but take your pounding like a good pilates instructor.

You hear her nails scratch on the wooden floor as you tighten your grip on her waist. Pushing her forward a little, you make sure that her cleavage is perfectly captured by the other camera. You put the camera you were holding down on the floor to your left, making sure it films the both of you. Now that you have two free hands, you hold her waist with both of them, squeezing her skin, as you fuck her as hard as you can. The sounds of your hips meeting her nice, tight ass echo through the room, accompanied by her moans. 

“You like being watched, huh?”

You give her right cheek a slap.

“Yes, make me your bitch.”

Tiffany whines as you give her another spank.

You lean over her a little more, pressing her body further into the plastic ball. Tiffany lets out a deep breath as the air gets forced out of her body. Another spank makes Tiffany’s head drop. Her weak body is getting thrown around by your thrusts, her face now covered by her hair.

“Don’t hide.”

You reach down, pulling her head up by her hair. Tiffany groans in pain and pleasure as she feels her scalp burning and your cock sending spikes of ecstasy through her body.

“Let them watch.”

Another hard and deep thrust from you makes Tiffany’s whole body sink further into the ball. It enables you to reach forward with your other hand as well. Now, one is holding her hair in a fist, while the other is rudely holding onto her chin.

“Let them see what a whore you are for my cock.”

You are speaking through your teeth by now. Tiffany’s pussy is slowly becoming too much for you to handle. Her wet slick is making it so easy for you to fuck her hard, so now you’re in way too deep.

This wasn’t your idea to begin with. This over the top degrading and manhandling her. That was all Tiffany. To use her words:

“Use me like a toy. I want this to look really dirty.”

And now you’re holding her hair and jaw, while fucking her from behind, making her groan and moan into the camera in front of her.

“Yes! Fuck me deeper, please!”

It’s hard for Tiffany to talk with your hand on her chin, but she still manages to do so, earning a couple of particularly deep thrusts from you.

“Tell them how much you love it. Beg for it.”

You pull her hair a little harder, making Tiffany yelp in response.

“I need it! I love your cock!”

You take a step closer, so you’re now almost standing above her ass, instead of behind her.

“I can’t live without it anymore! Please! Give it to me!”

When she first explained how nasty this was gonna get, you wondered why she would do something like this. But now, her way too exaggerated words even turn you on. They make you treat her even rougher.

“I’m gonna cum so deep inside of you.”

“Oh, gosh! Please breed me! I want to show how well I can take your cum!”

You untangle your hand from her hair and place it on her chin as well. Now, you’re holding her jaw with both hands as you fuck her from behind, arching her back like a bow. Her cleavage is on display for the camera once more. But the only thing you care about right now is to finally cum inside of her. 

Tiffany’s cries and whines have been reduced to weak moans, because she can’t open her mouth properly. You fuck her as hard as you can, feeling how her pussy is squeezing your cock. How her walls are trying to coax you into breeding her.

And finally, you do exactly that. You paint Tiffany’s pink walls with your sticky cum. A comfortable warmth spreads through her body as it welcomes your seed. You thrust as quickly into her as before, but with much less power. You’re falling off your high, your thrusts chasing after every tiny bit of pleasure you can get from Tiffany’s cum filled pussy.

“Oh wow.”

Tiffany laughs, back to her old self.

“Seems like you got really into it at the end there. Nice touch with holding my jaw. I liked it.”

You feel a weird sense of pride as Tiffany compliments you.

“Thank you.”

You look down as you slowly start to pull out of her. Yeji’s mom doesn’t move, even when your cum starts to run down her thighs. Only a weak moan escapes her lips.

“Do you need a hand?”

A proud smile is playing around your lips.

“Don’t act all cocky. “

Tiffany is still facing away from you, but she probably heard it in your voice.

“Just give me a moment.”

Once she gets off the ball, you hand her the pack of tissues that she brought in her bag. You watch her clean herself. Even after just fucking her, you can’t help but admire her body. You wonder if you will ever get tired of it. 

“Let me change into something else and then we can go again?”

“Again?”

You didn’t expect her to be this into it. But then again, it is basically how she makes a living. So it does make sense that she wants to shoot as much content as possible in one go.

“What? You can’t keep up?”

Tiffany’s teasing smile makes you shake your head.

“I can go for another round right now.”

You step closer again.

“I see.”

With the same smile, Tiffany reaches down and wraps a hand around your cock.

“Fucking a younger guy really has it’s benefits.”

You feel her stroking you and you reach down to let a finger glide along her labia.

“Damn.”

She sighs, her voice already shaking a little, her pussy still sensitive from the rough pounding she just took.

“Just let me get changed.”

Tiffany shoots a more seductive smile your way.

“Trust me, you’ll love it.”

You already thought that Tiffany looked amazing in the outfit she wore for the first video. But you feel yourself getting fully hard as soon as you see her standing in the door again. The white sports bra doesn’t just show off her nicely shaped bust, but also her tight midriff. You have to admit that, despite her age, Tiffany really has an amazing body. Her legs are clad in black leggings, which are mostly hidden by the black and yellow jacket she tied around her waist.

“Alright, young man. You up for round two?”

“Yeah.”

You try to sound relaxed, but you’re sure Tiffany heard that your voice was an octave higher than usual.

“Now, this will be the second part of the video we did yesterday. ‘My daughter’s classmate is back to work me out again’”

“Well, that’s a catchy title.”

It does sound a little over the top. But you do have to admit, if you saw that title on some porn site with Tiffany on the thumbnail, you’d click on it without another thought.

“Don’t get cheeky with me.”

Tiffany raised an eyebrow at your comment and is now reaching for her water bottle.

“Just because you’re dicking me down doesn’t mean you can come up with some snappy replies here and there.”

“What do you mean ‘here and there’? That’s just me.”

“Really? And where is the boy, who almost begged me to have sex with him yesterday?”

“I didn’t beg for anything. I was just hoping you would see this as an opportunity for you.”

Tiffany chuckles.

“For me? I have a feeling that you might be getting more out of this than I am.”

Her slightly raised eyebrows and her mocking tone seem to insinuate something.

“You mean the sex? I could call a girl in my class right now and she would be down for some fun.”

You try to sound relaxed, despite knowing that that’s not entirely true. She might. But you aren’t certain. 

Despite always being more comfortable with skinship than others, Eunha has become more handsy recently. At least it seems like that to you. Her sitting on your lap in school did happen before, but the fact that she let your hand rest on her thigh… Interesting, to say the least.

But all of your thoughts on Eunha are quickly thrown to the side, when Tiffany steps in front of you.

“Although I don’t believe you, I think we should start with round number two.”

You nod, waiting for her lead. It still feels odd to you that this feels way more like work or a transactional relationship than it should be. But then again, you’re getting to have sex with Tiffany, so who are you to complain?

After she told you what to do, you sit on a bench nearby. Tiffany makes sure the camera is facing you, but not showing your face.

“Okay then.”

She nods at you, which is the signal for you to pretend as if you’re drinking.

As you do so, Tiffany starts the recording. She waits a moment, before walking into the frame. 

“Oh, how are you doing?”

Her sudden cheerful attitude almost surprises you. She is able to switch so quickly. You wonder if Tiffany ever thought about being an actress.

“I’m good, thanks. I’m surprised to see you here, Ms. Hwang.”

“Why would you say that? Do you think all of this comes from nothing?”

She gestures down on herself. The camera, focused on her face, captures her satisfied smirk, when you look her up and down.

“No, I just-”

Tiffany puts a finger on your lips to shut you up.

“Listen. The gym is empty. We’re alone here. And I still remember what you did to me that night.”

“What are you trying to say, Ms. Hwang?”

“I want you to properly stretch me out again. Right here.”

She straddles your lap and you can feel her tight ass rubbing against your clothed cock. The second camera films the two of you from the side.

“R-Right here? But what if someone-”

Tiffany shuts you up once more, but with her lips this time. She makes sure to slowly grind herself on your cock, while the two of you deepen the kiss.

“I can’t wait to ride you again. I already started to miss your dick inside me.”

She speaks into your mouth, her words making you even harder than before.

You feel her tugging at the waistband of your shorts. Reaching around her, you grab two handfuls of her cheeks. Tiffany quickly pulls your shorts off your cock. Just enough, so she can wrap her hand around it. The other reaches for her bra, squeezing her own tits. You quickly undo the knot that holds up the light jacket around her waist. After throwing it away, you hook your fingers between her waist and her leggings.

“Don’t bother. Just rip ‘em.”

You look up at her with genuine surprise. You’ve never tried this before. But Tiffany’s lust filled eyes make you act quickly. You grab the black fabric right above her pussy. It’s already damp. Digging your fingers into the soft material, you pull at it. Tiffany gasps in arousal as she hears how you rip open her pants. You reveal her cleanly shaven pussy, her lips and the skin around it visibly wet. You’d have loved to give it another taste, but Tiffany has other things in mind. She spits into her hand, before wrapping it around your cock once more. Her wet hand now stroking your cock has you thrust up towards her.

“I can’t believe you’re this hard for me.”

Tiffany lifts herself off your lap and aligns your tip with her brown folds.

You watch how your length slowly disappears inside her already familiar pussy. Her eyes close quickly after. Your hands on Tiffany’s waist start to move her up and down. Her thighs flex on top of your lap as she follows your lead. Her own hands sneak around your neck, which pushes her chest further in your direction.

Tiffany’s moans become louder as the two of you pick up the pace. You thrust upwards, whenever you pull her down on you. You hit the deepest spots inside of her, which makes her hold onto your neck even harder. Her nails slightly dig into your skin.

“Really make me bounce on it, baby. I need it so bad.”

Her sigh makes you reach around her and grab her cheeks once more. The thin material almost makes it seem like she isn’t wearing pants at all. Having more leverage now, you lift Tiffany higher every time, before letting her fall onto your cock.

“Gosh, yes!”

Her cry tells you, you’re doing it right. Tiffany feels how you part her walls, how you stretch her out, with every bounce you make her do. Her eyes have been shut tightly this entire time. The pleasure overwhelms her as she completely forgets about the cameras surrounding the two of you.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Her lewd words are timed with every bounce, with every spike of pleasure you send up her spine. By now, her head is buried in your shoulder. Her hands have fallen down onto your back, her body slowly getting drained of its energy. That energy gets replaced by ecstasy. You can feel it too. How Tiffany keeps tightening around you. How her ripped open pants get wetter. She isn’t moving at all anymore. You’re doing all the work, lifting her up and down.

While you do so, the growing urge to just ruin her entire being becomes unbearable. Making her bounce on your length is nice and all. But you need to be more active. You really need to rail her, like you did before. Tiffany has awakened something in you. Something primal. Something that needs to use her body for its own pleasure.

You stop lifting her up. Tiffany lets out a cute whine of disappointment. If only you knew how close she was to-

You stand up, still buried deep inside of her.

“What are you doing?”

Her weak sigh leaves her lips, her mouth right next to your ear.

“I need to fuck you so bad.”

You speak through your teeth as you walk towards the pilates cadillac. Only glancing behind you once, you make sure the two of you are still getting filmed. Once you reach it, you do your best to let Tiffany down gracefully and turn her around. The feeling of her pussy doing this circular motion around your cock almost makes you creampie her right then and there. But you hold it together. Grabbing one of her legs, you lift it over one of the bars. Her ass looks even better from behind now. You make her take a step to the right, making sure the camera captures such a beautiful view.

Except for a moan here and there, Tiffany has kept quiet so far. But now that you’re thrusting into her again, her lips become busy once more.

“Fuck yes, harder!”

One of your hands is still holding onto her waist, while the other now reaches around her. You can’t help but give her tits some nice squeezes through her top. Tiffany’s moans become louder as she feels your hand groping her mounds, occasionally pinching her nipples on accident, due to the thin material. 

“Shit, you’re good.”

Your hips smack against her thinly covered ass from behind, while you keep holding onto her waist and tits. But you can feel how Tiffany tightens around you once more. You feel her juices dripping down your cock. 

“Your young cock feels so fucking good!”

Tiffany becomes louder and her words dirtier. It gets worse the harder and faster you fuck her. You catch a patch of red skin underneath your hand and you feel how she pushes your other hand further down. Your hand wanders over that tight midriff of hers. You still can’t believe you are able to touch it right now. So often did you stare at it, when you saw her around the neighborhood or at a school event. You always wondered how sexy she would look, with your cum all over her toned tummy. 

“Right there, yes.” Tiffany mewls, your hand now reaching the torn part of her leggings. 

You keep your pace steady, making sure your cock thrusts into her tight snatch as deep as it can go. At the same time, you now let your fingers touch her clit, turning her into a begging mess.

“Rub it harder, yes. Give it to me. Use me.”

“Fuck.”

You groan, feeling how Tiffany’s tight pussy slowly pushes you towards your orgasm. But you do your best to hang on. You can’t stop now. The feeling of her juices on your cock, how her walls give you these tight squeezes at random intervals….It just feels too good to stop.

Your fingers on her clit keep rubbing it, forcing Tiffany to shut her eyes once more, her mouth spewing more and more curse words. But soon, you can feel a new level of tightness. Her walls squeeze you harder, her body seems to have become warmer. Her moans are more frequent. And then, it happens.

“Oh! What the fuck?!”

You almost lose it as well. The both of you are surprised. But Tiffany is cuming on your cock. You feel her pussy tightening around you. Her walls massage your cock, her cute moans are higher than her usual ones. Unable to see it, you can only feel how her juices make your cock dripping wet. Some of her liquid spills out of the connection between the two of you, leaving a long trail on her skin, before it disappears underneath her pants

“Oh my god.”

Tiffany has calmed down and you think you’re ready to keep going again. It was almost too close for you. But you can’t help but smile, knowing you just made her cum. 

“That was actually amazing.”

She is still breathing heavily. You’re not quite sure what did it for her. The position? The fact that you’re filming? The way you fucked her? Or the way you played with her clit? Maybe a mixture of some of them.

When she turns her head to look over her shoulder at you, you see a tired, out of breath Tiffany. But her eyes tell you to do it again. Make her cum around your cock, until she loses control.

You move her again, this time laying her down on the pilates cadillac. The black fabric feels cold against her bare back, but Tiffany is only distracted for a second. A moment later, she feels you entering her once more. You kneel on the bench she is lying on, now holding onto both her thighs.

“That’s it. Right there.”

She moans, her pussy stretching around your cock easier now. Both, her hole and your dick, are wet with her juices, which ensures a smoother fucking.

“Lift my hips.”

Her moan, or rather order, makes you hold onto her waist. You lift her up, but not without a little bit of embarrassment. You would like to think that you are fine with learning more from her, but at the same time, you already want to be the best. You want to turn her into a mumbling mess, without her needing to tell you what feels best for her.

You raise her ass off the fabric, wanting to prove how well you can do. Soon, Tiffany’s hands land on her white top once more. You watch her groping and massaging her own tits through the thin material.

“That’s it, baby. You stretch me out so good.”

Your fingers dig further into the skin on her waist. One side is already red from the previous position you put her in. This way, you can drive yourself even deeper inside of her. The angle makes it possible. Gliding along her smooth walls, you suddenly hit a slightly rougher spot. The touch makes Tiffany’s back arch as she throws her head back.

“Fuck, yes! That’s the spot! Right there!”

She sounds almost desperate. As if she is afraid you wouldn’t be able to hit it again. But your next thrust lands on the same spot. You tip grazes along its small length, sending jolts of pleasure through Tiffany’s system. As you feel your own orgasm starting to approach, you pick up the pace a little, hoping you don’t cum too early.

Soon, the both of you are almost there. You can feel the familiar signs around your cock. Tiffany’s tight walls, her juices, her lips, which stick to your length whenever you move. And Tiffany can feel your cock throbbing, how you get thrown off your rhythm. Your thrusts become irregular, which surprisingly turns her on even more. The fact that she is about to make you cum again. That you can’t fight her pussy.

One last, deep trust is all it takes for the both of you to groan in union. You shoot your cum deep inside Yeji’s mom once more, while Tiffany milks your cock with her tight snatch. Her pink walls squeeze every drop out of your cock, until you’re completely spent.

After the two of you have recovered, you scoot back a little. You watch how your cum leaves her freshly fucked pussy. When you look behind her, you realize that this last part was barely filmed. Tiffany’s head was definitely in the way. But you don’t really care right now. You are still catching your breath, while one last jolt rushes through Tiffany’s body. You feel proud of yourself, knowing you made her cum. Twice. This feels even better than just fucking her, or getting to cum inside of her. The fact that you were able to make her orgasm and it even got captured on camera, places a dumb smile on your face.

You empty your bottle after your third rep of squats. While sweat drips from your soaked hair, you walk towards the water dispenser in the corner of the large room. Tiffany left barely fifteen minutes ago. After she looked presentable again, you accompanied her outside and waited for her to drive off, before you started your workout. The loud sound of the water hitting the insides of your bottle echoes through the otherwise silent building. That’s why you’re more than just surprised, when you hear a door open on your right. It’s the women’s locker room. The men’s is on the left. Turning towards the door, you are greeted by a gorgeous and welcoming smile.

“Hello, Ms. Im.”

“You’re Minju’s friend, right?”

Im Yoona doesn’t stop smiling at you as she walks out of the locker room. 

“Yes. We have most of our classes together.”

“Of course I know you. My daughter talks a lot about you. Plus, I’m your mother’s friend, remember?”

That’s true. Ms. Im and your mom are more than just business partners. But lately, you barely do anything but focus on school and working out, so you don’t see Ms. Im often.

She leans forward a little, before putting her hand next to her mouth as if she doesn’t want anyone to read her lips. The gym is completely empty, but she only whispers.

“One might think she wants to be more than just friends.”

You’re not sure what to say. Minju is a pretty girl. But just a friend.

“I got you there, didn’t I?”

Ms. Im lets out a satisfied laugh, visibly amused by your flustered reaction. While she collects herself again, you finish filling up your bottle.

“You should come over more often though. Minju mentioned the two of you are doing your homework together today?”

You nod. Since your place is closer to school than Minju’s, the two of you usually hang out at yours after school.

“In the afternoon, yes. Ms. Kim told us to write an essay.”

“Ah, history. That’s why Minju asked you to work together.”

You’re surprised that Ms. Im knows that that’s your strong suit.

The two of you walk towards the other side of the gym, where you left your towel.

“Are you going to continue?”

You look up at Ms. Im’s question, after sitting down on the floor.

“Uhm, yes I am.”

You use the towel to clean the sweat off your face.

“Well, you’re totally wet. I don’t know if sweating this much is healthy.”

“I’m sorry.”

You feel a little embarrassed, remembering that you’re a soaked mess. You probably don’t smell so great either right now.

"No, it's fine. I just don’t want you to do too much. You look like you’ve already been working out a lot recently.”

“Thank you, Ms. Im. I’m just… You know, trying to get a little more physical.”

“Oh, I can see that.”

You feel an embarrassed flush on your cheeks. You’re not used to getting compliments. Especially not from a gorgeous woman like Ms. Im. Now that you’ve calmed down a little, you’re finally able to take in her outfit. She is wearing tight black yoga pants and a gray sweatshirt. But the sweatshirt is only covering the upper half of her upper body. You marvel at Ms. Im’s toned midriff for just a moment.

“Thank you, Ms. Im. You look very…”

You search for the right words to describe Minju’s mother. After getting drained by Tiffany twice in a row, your dirty mind is still active. Sexy or fit don’t really seem appropriate.

“Very much in shape too. But I usually don’t see you often here.”

“Thanks, sweetie. I do a lot of my workouts and stretches at home. Privacy and all that, you know?”

When she mentions that she stretches, your dirty mind is working overtime once more. It almost feels like Tiffany has corrupted you. Now, you just want to place your hands on her thighs, run them over her leggings, feel her ass, touch that midriff and-

You stop yourself. She is still Minju’s mother. This isn’t right.

“I get it.”

You smile at her, before taking a gulp of your water.

“But what are you doing here then, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Ms. Im lets out a melodic chuckle at your curiosity.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

With a teasing wink, Ms. Im disappears into the room you and Tiffany defiled earlier. You just hope you cleaned up everything.

You continue on with your workout. You and the two girls decided on 4 pm, which is in two hours. So you still have about an hour before you have to head home. After taking another sip of water, you pick up two dumbbells and continue with your routine. Watching yourself in the mirror, you catch how sweaty you are yet again. Ms. Im probably didn’t mean anything by it, but her comment made you a little self conscious now. You finish the first set with ease. The second one is a struggle towards the end. And the third makes your arms burn. Your sweat is dripping off your brows now, you can taste it on your lips. Just when you’re about to start set number four, you see the door to the pilates room open behind you through the mirror.

Ms. Im walks out of the room. You can’t help but stare, especially since she opened her sweater while she was gone. She is now showing off her black sports bra, which is matching her pants.

You only realize she is walking towards you when your eyes meet through the mirror. Putting the dumbbells back on the rack, you reach for your towel. Turning around, you wipe your face, just when she comes to a hold right in front of you.

“I’m sorry to interrupt your workout, but would you mind lending me a hand?”

Once more, your dirty mind goes into overdrive. It wouldn’t have been a problem anywhere else. But her choice of words, the empty gym… You can’t help but fantasize just a little.

“Of course, Ms. Im. How can I help you?”

“Well, I play a dance teacher in an upcoming drama.”

Minju’s mom is a famous actress. She is in a lot of good movies and dramas. So you’re actually excited to hear that she is working on something new.

“And so I’m working on my flexibility and learning a couple of dance moves. But I’m still having some trouble with specific positions. Since no one else is here”

She gestures around the empty gym.

“I had hoped you could spare me a couple of minutes.”

“I’d love to.”

“Great.”

Ms. Im beams up at you, before taking your hand and leading you inside the pilates room.

“By the way, do you know who’s bottle this is? I found it here.”

She points at the blue bottle, which is standing on the dresser to your right.

"Ah, yes. That’s Ms. Hwang’s. We worked out together earlier today.”

“Really?”

Ms. Im turns around to look at you. Her expression looks a little weird to you. Her brows are furrowed, her lips pressed together. Does she know that Tiffany…You hope not. You don’t want her to think you slept with Yeji’s mom.

“Yes, since she is a fitness coach and all that, she gave me some pointers. We ran into each other outside.”

You’re surprised to see her scoff. She mumbles something under her breath, before she leads you past the mats and the pilates cadillac.

You could’ve sworn you heard her say:

“Sons too now? Slut.”

But why would Ms. Im assume you slept with Tiffany, just because you two worked out? Weird. Maybe you heard wrong. Or did she catch her sleeping with someone else and now thinks you slept with her too because of that?

Your thoughts come to a halt, when you see Ms. Im choosing a song on her phone. She presses the plus button on her speaker a couple of times and the room starts to fill with music.

“I’m sorry Ms. Im, but I’m not really a good dancer.”

“Did you never learn how to dance?”

“Just a little. With my…ex.”

She definitely caught your pause. Because her face changes a little.

“Oh no. The two of you broke up?”

Ms. Im’s voice is full of empathy. She strokes your arm, looking at you with pity. 

“Yeah. Couple weeks back.”

“I’m sorry, dear. I know how much that sucks.”

While it is nice to get comforted, you also feel a little off. You don’t need anyone's pity. You’re not five anymore. You can deal with this on your own.

“It’s alright. We didn’t have a big fight or something.”

“Is that the reason why you’re working out so much recently? Trying to get over your breakup?”

“I think I’m over her already. But thank you for caring.”

Ms. Im looks like she is about to say something, but decides to stay silent.

“If you show me what you need me to do, I will try my best.”

“That’s sweet of you, honey.”

You can still see the sympathy in her eyes, but she starts to explain what she needs you to do.

After the fourth song you feel like you’re already an expert. Ms. Im really is a good teacher. You can now move to the rhythm easier, while focusing on actually helping her practice. Your hands are connected, while her other one is resting on your shoulder and yours is placed right on her waist. You’d usually wear something more formal like a dress and a suit for this kind of dance, but it’s nice nonetheless.

Being aware that your hand is occasionally grazing her naked waist makes you a little nervous. This is Minju’s mother after all. Your mind keeps going places it shouldn’t. If you would just pull her a little closer, so her body is flush against yours…Or lean down a little, admiring her gorgeous eyes… Let your hand move further up, so it’s fully placed on her naked skin…

So many inappropriate thoughts are running through your head, that you couldn't hear what she just said.

“I think I got a hang of this. It feels natural now.”

“Oh, sure.”

The two of you come to a hold. Ms. Im turns off the music, before walking up to the ballet bar close to the wall where the mirrors are.

“I hope you still have some time to spare? There are one or two positions I’m still struggling with.”

“No problem. I have more than enough time.”

You smile at her as you step closer.

“Great. So, there is a scene in the drama , where I teach a ballet class and I need to show off my flexibility…”

Ms. Im takes a hold of the bar on her left side and raises her right leg. You watch in awe as it goes higher and higher, until her foot is almost the same height as her chest.

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive.”

“But I need to get my foot on the same height as my head. So if you wouldn’t mind lifting it for me further, I would really appreciate it.”

“Sure.”

You hesitate for a second, not exactly sure on where to grab her. But you eventually decide on her thigh and her calf, pushing her leg upwards.You don’t stop, until you see her furrow her brows and hiss in pain.

“Sorry.”

You mumble, about to lower her leg again.

“No, it’s fine. Give me a second.”

The two of you don’t move for a couple of seconds, until Ms. Im nods.

“Okay, keep going.”

The determination on her face makes you lift her leg further. You’re almost there, but she shakes her head, obviously in pain again.

“You almost got it.”

You try to encourage her and Ms. Im gives you the signal to keep going. You feel yourself leaning against her a little as you push her leg up to her limit. Eventually, her foot does reach her ear. You see her other leg shake slightly, but she doesn’t say anything. Looking down, you lock eyes with her. When you catch her stealing a glance of your lips, you realize how close the two of you are. You back away a little and lower her leg. Ms. Im sighs in relief.

“Thank you. Can we try again?”

You help her out five more times. When she lifts her leg for attempt number six, you watch her foot finally reach her head on its own. Ms. Im lifts her head to look at the ceiling, doing her best to copy the exact stance. You only last a second. You can’t help but give her center a quick glance. Since her leg is raised high, you have a perfect view of the outlines of her lips. Barely visible, but they are definitely there.

“Alright.” 

You immediately focus back on her face as she slowly puts her leg down again.

“I think this was enough for today. Thank you for helping me.”

“It was my pleasure, Ms. Im.”

You see her putting on her thinking face, her elbow resting on her other arm, her chin placed in her hand.

“I feel like I should help you out too. And I think I know just the thing.”

Your eyes widen, when hers focus on your shorts. 

“Ms. Im?”

“Well, you say you’re over your ex, but you’re clearly not. So why don’t I help you see clearly again, hmm?”

You’re surprised when she suddenly steps forward and reaches for your crotch. Her hand cups your length through the thin material of your shorts.

“I don’t know-”

“It’s okay, honey.”

Ms. Im smiles up at you. 

“I can see, you still like her. But trust me, it’s not healthy for you to keep thinking about her this way.”

You swallow hard, fully aware that your friend’s mother is gently stroking your cock through your shorts.

“Ms. Im, I don’t know if this is really appro-”

“Come on, honey.”

She whispers, her hands already pulling down your elastic waistband.

“Let me give you a treat.”

Her eyes focus on your crotch again, when your shorts drop to the floor, your boxers with them.You see her smirk as she wraps a hand around your shaft.

“Looks like I’m in for a treat too.”

You can’t believe this is actually happening. Ms. Im, Minju’s mother, squats down in front of you, her hand still around your cock. She looks up at you with a caring smile, before slowly opening her mouth and guiding you inside. You hold your breath, feeling hers on your skin. But before she closes her lips around your shaft, she pulls back.

“Just teasing you a little.”

Her mischievous smile makes you bite your lip. Suddenly Ms. Im places her lips on your naked thigh. She gives you a kiss and then sticks out her tongue. You let out a deep breath as you feel her licking up your thigh, towards your crotch. You can see how your sweat leaves your skin and finds itself on her tongue. 

Still too stunned to do anything, you watch her do the same to your other thigh.

“Delicious.”

She kisses your abdomen, right above your cock.

You can’t believe that this is actually happening. This is way different from what you have with Tiffany. For some reason, this feels more intimate. Her smile tells you how much she likes the taste of your sweat as she licks her lips. You never expected Minju’s mother to act like this.

Her hand is still giving your cock long, slow strokes, while she peppers the skin around it with small kisses. She gives you an occasional lick, which sends goosebumps up your spine every time.You never had anyone do this to you before. But it looks like Ms. Im is thoroughly enjoying it. She gives your inner thighs a long, slow lick on either side. You hear her humming with satisfaction, before she backs away again.

“Your body tastes so good. I could do this for hours.”

Pictures of Ms. Im, cleaning your whole body, flash through your head. You feel yourself getting harder at the thought. This feels dirty to you. Too dirty for Minju’s mother to do it. Or even consider doing it. But there she is, squatting in front of you, with your dick in her hand.

“You can relax, honey. I can feel how tense you are.”

Ms. Im gives you another loving smile as she gives your thighs gentle squeezes.

“Let me take care of you. And enjoy yourself.”

She places both hands right next to your cock, her palms pressed flat against your skin. You hold your breath as she leans forward yet again, mouth open to welcome your cock. You feel her warm breath, You see how your cock disappears inside her mouth. And finally, Ms. Im wraps her lips around you.

With her eyes closed, she stays in place, her tongue swirling around your tip. Your dick is getting wetter by the second as she warms it with her mouth. Her tongue keeps dancing along on your skin, until it finds the underside of your shaft. She presses it flat against your cock from beneath. And then Ms. Im starts to move her head. Lips still wrapped around you in a tight seal, she begins to slowly fuck her mouth with your cock. You can’t help but thrust forward a little, whenever she moves further towards you. Your hands hang loose on either side of you, your fingers scratching the empty air. Reaching forward, you place your hands on her head. Ms. Im moves a little faster, but you make sure that she is the one who is controlling the pace.

When she moves back far enough to let your cock fall out of her mouth, she looks up at you with a satisfied smile playing around her lips.

“I can’t tell what it is. But your cock…”

She doesn’t continue. Instead, she gives your tip a kiss, her eyes closed as she seems to be enjoying the taste.

It’s not like you’re complaining. Actually, it’s kinda hot to hear Ms. Im say how much she loves your taste. But you never had the same reaction with your ex or Tiffany. The thought of Tiffany reminds you of your earlier session with her. Is that it? Does Ms. Im like how Tiffany’s pussy tastes on your cock? Who could blame her? Tiffany tastes amazing. You can vouch for that.

“I haven’t had such a delicious dick in ages.”

Ms. Im continues to swoon over your cock. You still vividly remember how Tiffany orgasmed around your cock. How she drenched you in her juices. 

“I really can’t get enough of it.”

Ms. Im takes you into her mouth once more. Her eyes closed, enjoying the taste. You feel her tongue roaming all over your cock, making sure she is giving attention to even the smallest of places. Right underneath your tip, circling around it. And then moving along your length, letting you feel her tongue almost slip out between her lips. As Ms. Im increases her pace further, you occasionally feel yourself hitting the wall in the back of her mouth. It almost seems like she is teasing you, by only giving you an idea what her throat might feel like. She becomes sloppier as well, the result of sucking you off too quickly. You see a strand of spit escape the corners of her mouth here and there. Your whole cock is glistening with her saliva by now and yet she won’t take you deeper. 

Which you are actually thankful for. Because you doubt you would last much longer, if Ms. Im would start to deepthroat you now. Tiffany’s throat game is deadly, and Ms. Im seems skilled enough to make you cum immediately too.

But to your surprise, she moves her head back, until your cock falls out of her mouth. You let out an involuntary sigh of disappointment, when you leave her warmth.

“You’re doing great, honey.”

Her teasing smile shows that she knows that you won’t be able to take her blowjob much longer. You feel her hands, which have moved to your cock, stroking your length once more.

“Tell me. Is there a place you ex wouldn’t let you cum, after a blowjob?”

You slowly nod.

Ms. Im hums in understanding as she places your length right over her lips.

“Poor boy.”

Her sympathetic tone and eyes, which are looking up at you, are making you shudder.

“I promise you can do whatever you want. Let me help you to forget her.”

“I…”

You take a deep breath. You’re reminded of the fact that this is Minju’s mother. Your friend’s mother. She knew you since you were little. The two of you shouldn’t be doing this. But your lips move, before your brain can take control.

“I’d like to cum on your face.”

You hold your breath, afraid you asked for too much. But Ms. Im’s reassuring smile makes you sigh in relief and anticipation.

“I was hoping you’d say that.”

Her lips move against your cock as she speaks.

For a moment, you feel like Ms. Im is very similar to Tiffany. How she acts, how she uses this seductive tone, the way she smiles at you as if she knows exactly what you need, even if you don’t know that yourself.

You watch her open her mouth, taking your cock back inside. Your ex honestly can’t really compare, you realize. Ms. Im was right. She does help you to forget about her. Her and Tiffany, to be precise. You wonder if it’s because of their age? Their experience? Maybe. It just feels different with the two of them. Better. More natural.

The sound of Ms. Im, fucking her face on your cock yet again, brings you back to reality. This time, her hands aren’t placed on your hips, but wrapped around your base. She doesn’t use them though. Only her lips and tongue work to make you cum eventually.

Now that you’ve realized how similar Ms. Im and Tiffany are, you also catch some differences. Ms. Im’s lips are wrapped around your cock in a tighter manner. Tiffany likes to take more of you in one go. The younger of the two uses her tongue more, while Tiffany likes to use her throat.

But Ms. Im doesn’t take all of your cock. Just enough to make you hit the wall. She could probably take all of you, if she wanted, but it really does seem like she is playing with you. Just thinking about how she is toying with you turns you on even more. Her blowjob shows that she isn’t just doing it to make you cum. She likes it too, she plays with you, giving you what you need, but not enough of it. Until there is no return. 

Ms. Im lures you in, making your own orgasm sneak up on you. It builds slowly, then it drops again, but then she picks it back up again. And suddenly, you feel the inevitable urge to cum. Your fingers dig into her scalp a little, your hips bucking forward. Within a matter of seconds, Ms. Im has pushed you to the edge. The edge, which you’re now about to fall from. 

“I-”

You can’t warn her. Can’t hold back. The last part of her blowjob defeats you within seconds. 

But Ms. Im feels how your cock suddenly becomes harder. How it pulsates inside her mouth. How you thrust into her, ready to finally cum.

But she isn’t quick enough for the first hit. Or maybe she did it on purpose?

A long streak of your cum hits the back of her mouth. Before you can release more, Ms. Im opens her mouth wide, pulls your cock out and aims it at her face. You try your best to watch as your orgasm overwhelms you. You see how you paint most of her face. Her nose, her left cheek, her lips. Your cum stains her beautiful face. But instead of complaining like your ex would’ve done, Ms. Im smiles up at you, letting out a satisfied sigh.

“Your cum tastes just as good as your sweat. Warm. And salty.”

She licks her lips and you can only marvel at how beautiful she looks with your cum all over her face.

You never thought about someone being into sweat. Specifically yours. But Ms. Im returns her attention to the rest of your body now. With a cum covered face, she licks along your thighs once more. Her eyes closed as she enjoys the taste.

You feel completely drained. The combination of your prior workout and Ms. Im’s blowjob proves too much for your body. Your legs slightly buckle as her tongue swipes over the skin right above your cock. Trying to recover your strength, you stand in place for a while, watching how she licks more sweat off your body. But when you feel Ms. Im’s tongue dip lower, giving your balls a drawn out lick, you feel your cock slowly hardening again. You wonder if she would give you another blowjob, if you asked her for it. The thought of her sucking your dick again, almost makes you fully hard once more. Just when Ms. Im wraps her lips around one of your balls, you hear chatter outside.

Fuck, someone is coming. By the sounds of it, a group of women. Which usually means they’re heading right for this room. The room you’re in. The room in which Ms. Im is still sucking the sweat off your balls.

“Ms. Im, someone is coming.”

She doesn't respond, her eyes closed, while yours scan the room for something to wipe her face with. 

“Ms. Im, we need to hurry.”

“Hm? Right.”

She almost looks like she woke up from a trance. She gives your cock one last long lick, which sends sparks up your spine, before she gets back to her feet. You quickly rush over to get her the small box of tissues, which is standing next to Tiffany’s forgotten bottle.

“Here.”

You watch her clean her face for a second, before you pull your boxers and shorts back up, which you almost tripped over on your way to get her the small green box.

“Oppa!”

Kim Minju waves at you as she sees you crossing the road, on your way to Eunha’s place. As she walks closer, she notices how your hair is still wet. You probably took a shower before you left the house.

“Hey, Minju!”

She can’t help, but send a smile your way. Momentarily forgetting that she is kinda angry at you. She asked you to come over to her place, so the two of you can work together. She doesn’t need a third wheel. Especially not someone like Eunha. The other girl always does what she wants. She gets away with almost everything with her stupid aegyo and the boys in class always have red faces, whenever Eunha decides to wear one of those ridiculously short skirts.

It’s not like Minju hates her. That’s not it. And she isn’t jealous either. Eunha isn’t a ten out of ten. And there are worse girls than her in your and Minju’s class. But she was hoping for a quiet and relaxed Sunday afternoon with you, before Eunha’s party starts. And Eunha will probably get a little too comfortable with you again. Like touching your shoulder or arm or thigh, or even sitting in your lap again. Minju shakes her head. She should try to stay positive. Afterall, this is mainly Eunha’s personality. Most of the time, that's just who she is.

The two of you finally meet in front of the driveway. You give Minju a quick hug, before you walk towards the front door. Minju trails after you, taking a glance at the cars parked nearby. She saw Eunha drive the white Mercedes once. That was the only time Minju was ever really jealous of her. Because she doesn’t have her drivers license yet. Minju has always been more focused on studying for school. She can always get it later anyways.

“Hi, guys!”

You must have rung the doorbell without Minju noticing, because Eunha has opened the door already and is giving you a hug. Minju escapes a scoff, when she sees what Eunha is wearing. Relaxing afternoon, goodbye. Luckily, she is standing too far away, so the both of you didn’t hear her. 

Minju takes another look at Eunha’s outfit as she walks up to her. She is wearing a skimpy pink top with a white bra underneath, the edges peeking out from under the pink fabric. Her whole midriff is exposed. And her skirt is way too short. Minju can even see a hint of Eunha’s white panties, because the hem of her skirt is almost at the same height as her center.

The two girls exchange a quick hug, before Eunha invites you and Minju inside.

“You guys want anything to drink?”

“Maybe some of the stuff you have for the party?”

Your joke earns you an elbow to the ribs by Minju.

“You’re not drinking now, oppa.”

“Then a coke, if you have some.”

“Make it two. But zero please.”

“Sure. Make yourselves comfortable.”

Eunha gestures at the dinner table. If only you had known how often you’d sit at that table in the future.

You and Minju take your places next to each other. While Minju is already taking her stuff out of her bag, you quickly check your phone. While you reply to a message in your class's group chat, you get a notification. A picture sent by Tiffany. You open it. Your eyes grow wide, focused on the picture. But when you hear Minju rustle around next to you, you quickly glance at her. She is busy with herself. Thank god. You tilt your phone a little away from her, hoping she won’t be able to see what you’re looking at.

The picture is a full body shot of Tiffany in a mirror. She is clearly showing off her ass, while she is standing sideways. It’s clad in tight white lace panties, which show off every curve of her peach. Now, you see the text that was sent with it. 

“A gift from one of my subscribers. They want you to fuck your friend’s mom again.”

You swallow hard as you feel yourself getting hard once more. How is that even possible? You came three times already today. The words friend’s mom make you realize what you just did in the gym. Minju’s mother gave you a blowjob. Your friend’s mother. You came on her face even. A cold shudder runs down your spine just thinking about what would happen if Minju finds out. 

“Would you mind putting your phone away?”

You almost fall off your seat at Minju’s words. 

“Yeah, sorry.”

You say unnecessarily loud. 

Eunha has just reached the table, placing two cans of coke zero in front of you and Minju, while also holding a glass of apple juice for herself. She takes her seat on your right and you take your tablet out of your bag. Minju has already started working a little it seems. Her own tablet already shows off a couple of notes.

“Alright then.”

Minju looks at the two of you.

“Ms. Kim said that our essay has to be about the Roman gods. So do we just name them and say what they stood for? Maybe add a legend or two?”

You have to admit you haven’t really thought about the task, until now. But Ms. Kim often gives the class only vague tasks for homework, because she likes to see how everyone interprets her words. You like it. It gives you freedom. And while she is usually quite strict, especially if you did nothing at all, the bar isn’t very high.

“I think everyone would do that though. It can’t be that easy.”

“Well, her last topic was the birth of Rome. And now gods…”

Minju gets lost in her train of thought, while you are searching for an answer as well.

“What do you think?”

You turn to Eunha.

“Well, didn’t she say something about the birth of Rome having two versions? A historical one and a fictional one?”

“True. Romulus and Remus. But apart from their father supposedly being Mars, I don’t know how the gods tie into this.”

“Oh.”

Eunha’s pen hits the floor underneath the table. It slipped out of her hand. But instead of getting up and crawling under the table, Eunha leans in your direction and downwards. Suddenly, her head is resting in your lap, her cheek pressed flat against your thigh. You hold your breath as she blindly searches with her fingers for the pen. Once she gets it, Eunha gets back up.While she does so, she places her hand on your thigh as well. Her pinky dangerously close to your crotch.

“Sorry, my bad.”

She gives you a cute smile. If you would’ve turned around, you would have seen Minju, rolling her eyes.

Now you need a moment to collect yourself, before you’re finally able to come up with an idea.

“Maybe it’s not just about Roman gods. I mean, there are similarities between Greek, Roman and Egyptian gods. Ms. Kim could’ve thought about that.”

“But then, she would’ve said that.”

 You nod at Minju’s comment, but Eunha shakes her head.

“I think you’re right. It makes sense. Since the Romans did kinda copy the Greek gods, right?”

“They did. You think that’s what she was talking about?”

“You’re the best at history.”

Eunha pats your thigh, giving you a cute smile.

“I trust you.”

“Fine. Let’s go with that then. Minju?”

You turn towards her, trying to ignore Eunha’s hand, which is still lying on your thigh.

“Sure. Where do you want to start?”

The three of you get to work. While Eunha makes a list of the most important gods, you and Minju search for their Greek and Egyptian equivalents. Minju is very aware of what is going on in the shadows though. Eunha’s hand, which sometimes lingers on your thigh too long. Her naked leg touching yours, when she scoots a little closer. And especially how Eunha occasionally fixes her top, while you talk to her. It’s not jealousy that is fueling Minju’s growing anger. It’s the fact that Eunha even dares to do all of it right in front of her. And that you don’t even seem to notice. Minju expected you to tell Eunha to stop. Or at least acknowledge it in some way. But to her, it looks like you’re completely oblivious.

Which is definitely not true. Because from the moment Eunha placed her head on your thigh, you keep trying to focus on your homework. Eunha is cute. And hot. There is no doubt about it. And if Minju wasn’t here, maybe you’d fool around with her a little. But Minju is here. And you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.

“The next one is Venus. I forgot what she stands for?”

Minju rolls her eyes once more. But instead of saying anything, she takes a big sip of her coke, trying to drown her anger.

“It’s the goddess of love and sex.”

“Kinky.”

Eunha wiggles her eyebrows at you. You clear your throat, trying to prevent any escalation.

“Yeah. Her Greek equivalent is Aphrodite and her Egyptian one is Hathor.”

“That’s the goddess with the cow head, right?”

“Yes.”

Minju writes it down after getting your confirmation.

“What do you think the sex goddess looks like?”

Eunha’s question makes you silently dig your fingers into your own thigh. She couldn’t be more obvious. And if Minju didn’t notice yet, she now must know for sure.

“I’m not sure. I mean, she isn’t real, right?”

“Well, if she would be. What do you think she’d look like?”

Minju hesitates for a moment. She can sense how you’re trying to avoid the question. But she's had enough of this. She can’t let Eunha toy with you the whole afternoon and she can’t stand the fact you only seem to notice now what’s actually going on.

“There are a lot of different statues of all three of them. You can just check them out and-”

“Oh come on, oppa. Tell us. What do you think she would look like?”

Minju places her hand on your shoulder. Her question makes your heart drop. You swear you heard a slight hint of anger in her voice. And while the two of you annoy each other from time to time, you’re still great friends. You don’t want to hurt her. You think about it for a while, trying to come up with an answer, which would get you out of this once and for all.

“Like my ideal woman. My type.”

“Yes, but what is that?”

You focus on your can of coke, which means you miss the anger filled eye contact the two girls share. Minju is annoyed by Eunha and by you. And Eunha can’t believe Minju is now trying to compete with her for your attention. This was her idea after all. It’s not like she always had a crush on you. But Eunha did notice how you grew up over the last couple years. You work out more and take care of yourself better. But when she sat in your lap a couple of days ago, she could feel that you were more than happy to have her sit on you. Eunha couldn’t help but slightly grind on it for a second, hoping you wouldn’t notice. She got curious how big you actually are. That’s why she planned on seducing you today. Minju coming along completely ruined this day for her.

“I don’t know. A beautiful face? A fit body?”

“That’s all?”

Eunha places her hand on your thigh once more.

“There must be some other features on a girl’s body you find attractive, right?”

“Come on, oppa.”

Minju makes you focus back on her.

“Tell us. We don’t bite.”

Minju’s smile does seem genuine, but you are not one to take these kinds of risks. 

“Sorry ladies, need to head to the bathroom real quick.”

You quickly get off your chair.

“Down the hall, on your left.”

“Thanks, Eunha.”

You leave the two girls alone. Once you reach the bathroom, you sigh in relief. That was close. 

“What the hell, Minju?”

“What?”

Minju plays innocent. 

“Oh, please. Keep it in your pants.”

“Excuse me? You are the one who is barely wearing anything to begin with.”

“This is my house. I can wear whatever I want.”

Eunha gets off her chair to put away her empty glass.

“Why are you suddenly trying to get in my way anyway? The two of you have been just friends for years. You suddenly got the hots for him, or what?”

“Eww, no.”

Minju makes a disgusted face, but even she can’t fool herself anymore. The stupid, dumb, childish boy she once knew is already mostly gone.

“But I don’t want my friend to start seeing a slut like you.”

“What did you just call me?”

Even when she is angry, her hands at her waist, her brows furrowed, Eunha is still hella cute.

“Have you even looked at yourself?”

Minju, who is still sitting, gestures at Eunha, who is standing in front of the table.

“I can see your panties from here.”

“That’s the point. Do you think he saw them too?”

Eunha wiggles her eyebrows and gives Minju a satisfied smile.

“Trust me, Minju. I don’t wanna be rude or anything, but you don’t have much going for you, that you could show off anyway.”

Minjus scoffs in disbelief, rolling her eyes.

“Who says I want to show off anything to begin with? And I do have enough to show off.”

Eunha shakes her head. 

“You don’t have big tits. Or ass. Not even thighs.”

She lifts her leg, placing her foot on a chair.

“Look at mine. Do you know how many guys stare at my thighs at school?”

Eunha places her foot back on the ground with a victorious smile playing around her lips.

“All of them.”

“Oh, really? If I wanted to, I could make every guy fall for me. But I’m just not a slut like you are.”

“Prove it then.”

Eunha crosses her arms in front of her chest.

The two of them stare at each other for a while, without saying a word. Eunha doesn’t want to back down. She knows that she has bigger thighs and a great butt. On the other hand, Minju isn’t sure what she should do next. But when she hears the bathroom door open, she acts quickly.

Eunha raises an eyebrow as Minju reaches for the zipper on her top. She starts to pull it down. The two girls keep eye contact, right until you walk back into the dining room.

“There you are.”

Eunha reacts first, giving you a cute smile, while Minju lets go of her zipper. She quickly glances down, to see how far she pulled it down. She sighs in relief. Not too far, but enough for you to notice the top of her black bra. Now Minju regrets not putting on the one with the lace on it, when she was deciding on what to wear earlier.

“How do you guys feel about snacks? I’m starving.”

“Sure, thanks Eunha.”

You reciprocate her smile, before sitting down.

Minju pulls her collar a little to the sides, making sure you have a better view of her cleavage. But her jaw almost drops, when she sees what Eunha is now doing.

The older girl reaches up to grab a box of sweets, which were placed inside one of the higher drawers. But she is way too small, so she has to get on her tiptoes. Your eyes are focused on her as well now. Because as Eunha stretches upwards to get the colorful box, her skirt raises as well. You get a very good view of her thighs, then a hint of her white panties. And eventually, Eunha basically shows off her whole ass. If you weren’t hard before, then you are definitely hard now.

Minju’s body heats up in anger. No way that wasn’t intentional.

“Oppa.”

You quickly turn around to look at Minju. She didn’t catch you staring, did she? As you look at her face, you notice how her top is now more open than before. 

“So for the second part…”

She is focused on her tablet while she speaks, but you can’t focus properly. You’re busy with giving her cleavage a glance, and another one, and another one, and-

You shake your head. What is the problem with you today? How is it possible you’re still this horny after going two rounds with Tiffany and receiving a blowjob from Ms. Im?

“Here you go.”

Eunha places the box of sweets in front of you as she sits back down. But instead of sitting normal, she puts one leg up, her foot resting on the chair. She reaches for a chocolate bar and starts to eat it with her chin on her knee. 

You’re almost too scared to look down. At this point it feels like the two of them are doing this on purpose. But that sounds ridiculous. Minju has been your friend for years. Why would she suddenly try to make a move on you? And Eunha? Well, she is always a little handsy, but today it’s a little much. Or is this your dirty mind speaking again? Are you trying to make more out of this than it actually is?

You pick a chocolate bar as well and start to eat it to calm your nerves, as the three of you get back to it. But your situation doesn’t improve much. Now Minju is the one who places her hand on your arm more often than you can count. She touched your hand as well, while she was reaching for the small box. And at the same time, she leaned over, giving you a proper look down her top. You’ve never seen this much of her. And only now do you realize how pretty Minju really is. Not just her chest, but her face as well. Her big eyes seem to constantly look at you with affection, her brows furrow, whenever she concentrates on the task at hand. And her lips look better than you remember.

Meanwhile, Eunha has unbuttoned two more buttons on her top, saying it’s way too warm for her. She is basically giving you a full view of her clothed pussy and her thighs look better than ever. 

But Eunha notices how your attention slowly drifts more and more towards Minju. And you can’t deny it either. While Eunha is beautiful and all, it’s Minju with whom you share a deeper connection with. Your eyes keep wandering between her tablet and her chest, while the two of you start to finish the assignment. Eunha gets annoyed by your lack of attention. After all, this is her house. And she is the one who planned on having fun with you. Not Minju. You and her are turned towards her tablet, your backs almost facing Eunha by now. To be fair, Eunha isn’t really working anyways.

“Fine then.”

She thinks to herself, ready to finish this once and for all.

Eunha lifts herself off her own chair and gets closer to you. In one swift motion, she lands on your lap, pretending nothing is happening, while looking at Minju’s tablet as well.

“Eunha…”

You try to protest, but you know it’s already too late. She must feel how hard you are. How your clothed cock is slightly rubbing against her panties as she gets comfortable on top of you. And Minju is starting to scream on the inside. How can Eunha be this daring? This slutty? Right in front of her? And why aren’t you stopping her?

Minju tries to suppress her emotions to the best of her abilities. You aren’t her boyfriend. So technically, it’s not her place to say anything. But still…. She can’t just sit here and watch.

As subtle as possible, Eunha takes your left hand and places it on her naked thigh. She smells like vanilla, her scent almost making you forget about Minju. But when she lets your fingertips slip in between her thighs, you quickly look at your friend. Minju has slightly turned away, so you can’t read her face. Unbeknownst to you, she is pretending to get a text from Yeji, just to get her out of here.

“Sorry, guys. Yeji just sent me a message. She needs my help, so I better get going now.”

Your hand escapes Eunha’s dangerous trap to hold Minju’s shoulder.

“You’re leaving already? We’re almost done.”

“I think it’s an emergency.”

“Okay, Minju. It was fun to work with you today.”

Minju can tell Eunha’s smile is fake from a mile away.

Once the front door closes behind her, Minju hangs her head. What is she doing? Why is she getting so worked up about this? She clears her throat and zips up her top again. Minju shakes her head, her cheeks still slightly red from her anger. No. You can do whatever you want. You aren’t her boyfriend. And she doesn’t like you like that anyway. It’s more like Minju is almost envious of Eunha. She doesn’t want to walk around with a skirt that shows off her panties. No, that’s not it. But Minju wants to have the same confidence as Eunha. She’s always been a little more introverted and she definitely missed out on stuff because of that. But it always seems like Eunha is always just doing what she wants. That’s what Minju is really bothered by.

You try your best not to stare, but it’s in vain. Who could resist? Your eyes are focused on Eunha’s panties, which are only partially hidden by her skirt as she closes the front door. When she turns around, you quickly look at her face instead.

“Do you want to finish this?”

Eunha’s sweet smile makes you nod.

You watch her walk over to the table. But instead of sitting down in her own chair, she straddles you once more. But this time, she is facing you.

“Eunha, what-”

“You said you want to finish what we started.”

Her smile turns into a mischievous grin, before she leans forward to press her lips against yours.

“This is too fast!” Screams the voice inside the back of your head, but your hands have already taken a hold of Eunha’s full thighs and your lips are already inviting her tongue inside.

“Wait…”

You finally push her back a little.

“What? Don’t you think I’m sexy? You kept looking at me this whole time.”

Her lips land on yours once more. And you have to admit, you don’t know how to respond. You did imagine how it would feel like to have those thighs wrapped around your head. Or how cute Eunha’s moans would sound like. But that was just imagination. Because you didn’t think she actually wanted you.

“Fuck.”

You break the kiss, your head falling back as Eunha grinds herself against your hard dick. She uses this opportunity to tilt her head and attack your neck. Determined to mark you, wanting to show Minju that she got you, she sucks and bites your skin. Her own hands roam your back, keeping you close and pressing your chest against hers. You feel the heat inside her body, especially at her center.

Your fingers dig further into her thighs, making a moan escape her lips, before you start to actually move her back and forth in your lap. Her clothed pussy rubs against your pants and you can’t wait any longer. You need to feel her. Now.

You stand up slowly, Eunha instinctively wrapping her legs around your hips. The two of you quickly reach the sofa in her living room. You sit down on it with Eunha still in your arms. The whole time she kept on kissing your neck and cheek and is now backing away.

“I can feel how hard you are. Let me help you out.”

Her cute wink makes you let out a deep breath, before you watch her climb off of you. But instead of getting onto the carpet, she makes you move over, so that you’re lying down. The sofa is big enough for her to kneel next to you and it only takes you a moment to realize why she did that. While Eunha starts to take your pants off, you reach behind her, her skirt barely covering her ass. You give her right cheek a hard squeeze, making Eunha gasp. 

“You can play with my body all you want, oppa.”

You slightly raise your hips, making it easier for her to finally pull your pants off. At the same time, you feel the fabric of her panties against your fingers. You hook one finger underneath it, right when Eunha wraps a hand around your cock.

“I knew it.”

Her eyes, which were focused on your cock now look at yours.

“You have a really nice dick.”

Before you can reply, you see her opening her mouth and leaning down. A low groan escapes your mouth as you feel Eunha’s lips wrap around your tip. Even if you see Tiffany’s blowjobs just as foreplay, this would already be your second of the day. First Ms. Im and now Eunha. Unconsciously, you dig your fingers into her full cheek, right next to her pussy. It makes Eunha lean forward a little further, taking your dick deeper into her mouth.

“God, Eunha…”

You feel her smile around your length. Wanting to repay her, you reach for her panties and pull them slowly to the side. They’re slightly damp already. You let one finger glide around her labia, collecting a little bit of her juices. But you come to a hold, when Eunha starts to properly suck you off, her tongue dancing around your tip. For a small while you’re unable to do anything but watch. Eunha looks so hot in this position. Bent over on your side, her mouth around your dick, her cute face showing signs of pleasure and her ass completely visible, due to her skirt, which has fallen down around her hips by now.

Eventually you do pick up where you left off. Reaching a little lower, you let your fingers glide over her clit, which is partially covered by her lips. Eunha moans around your cock, making your head roll back in response. Soon after, you let a finger slip into her pussy. A lustful hum sends vibration into your cock and all the way up your spine. Once you’ve established a proper rhythm, you and Eunha pleasure each other at the same time.

While she sucks you off, you finger her. You can feel how Eunha’s pussy becomes wetter, how it occasionally clenches around your first and now your second finger as well. At the same time, Eunha can feel your hard shaft inside her mouth. It does take her some effort to properly suck you off. She did feel you before through your clothes, but you’re slightly bigger than she anticipated. Not that she is complaining. Not at all. Eunha is already thinking about her next move. As she lets her lips glide along your shaft, she is already planning on taking you inside of her properly. Does she want to do it right here? In the living room? The thought alone gets her going as the pace of your fingers quickens. She imagines herself bent over the backrest, your cock being the thing that moves in and out of her and not your fingers.

Eunha’s eyes close, her body slightly sways back and forth, her lips still sealed tightly around your shaft. You do your best to satisfy her, not wanting to disappoint. After all, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Your classmate giving you head. 

You need to take a deep breath when Eunha decides to go even deeper. You feel the back of her mouth hitting your tip. She gags once, twice. Her spit coats your shaft. Your head rolls back and your eyes stop at a picture of her. Of Eunha and her sister. The two of them on holiday, at a visibly hot place. Her crop top and skirt are almost as short as the ones she is wearing right now. You can’t help but glance at her sister. You haven’t seen Wonyoung in almost a year, but she is as sexy as Eunha is. For a moment, you imagine how hot it would be to have both their mouths around your cock. You doubt you would last long with the Jung sisters. Especially if they would start doing more than just giving you head.

You let out a deep groan as you think about the two of them a little too long. Eunha can feel your hips bucking upwards as you almost start to fuck her mouth. Your fingers inside of her move faster now, fueled by the images inside your head. The teasing from earlier and now this… You know you won’t last much longer.

Eunha’s eyes roll to the back of her head as she feels your thumb circling her clit, while your other two fingers keep pumping in and out of her. Her body becomes weak due to the pleasure that is rushing through her system now. She slumps down a little, almost impaling her mouth on your cock. Her warmth around almost your entire length makes you almost cum right there.

And then the phone rings. Your eyes grow wide and Eunha quickly lifts her head off your cock.The two of you look at each other. You catch a thin strand of her saliva sticking to her chin.

“Yours or mine?”

“Mine.”

Eunha quickly gets off of you and heads for the table. As you watch her, reality seems to finally hit you. This actually just happened. You got a blowjob from Eunha. And you had your fingers inside of her. You can’t help but smile. After getting the opportunity to sleep with Tiffany and receive head from Ms. Im, one would think you’d be used to it, but who could get used to that? You feel like the luckiest person on earth. How did you manage to pull this off?

Eunha quickly glances at the caller’s ID, before picking up.

“Yes, Zuha?”

“Hi, unnie. Just wanted to let you know we are done with buying the stuff for the party. Do you want anything else?”

“Uh…No I’m good.”

Eunha suddenly remembers that you’re still here. Half naked.

“A-Are you already on your way back?”

“Yes. I’ll be at your place in around five minutes. The party is starting soon.”

“Okay, thanks Zuha.”

Eunha hangs up and turns around. She knows it’s dangerous to continue. But her eyes automatically focus on your cock. Just a little longer…She feels her core still tingling. She has five more minutes anyway.

“We have five minutes.”

The determination in Eunha’s eyes puts a little bit of pressure on you. Does she expect you to make her cum right now? You watch as she steps closer. But this time, instead of kneeling next to you, Eunha straddles your face, placing both her thighs on either side of your head. Before you can react, Eunha is already pressing her pussy against your mouth as she leans down to swallow your cock once more. As her taste takes over your mouth, you wrap your arms around her waist and pull her even closer. The two of you focus on pleasuring each other once more. You feel Eunha slightly grinding against you, while she feels how you slightly thrust upwards whenever she takes you in deep. 

You both know you have only limited time. And eventually, Eunha is the first to lose it. You feel her tremble on top of you. Her moan around your dick sends you right to the edge as well. You place your hands on her ass, making sure she stays in place as her thighs shake. But the feeling of her soft cheeks and the way her mouth coats your cock with her saliva finally prove too much for you.

You join Eunha in her orgasm. For a couple of moments, the two of you are just a shaking mess, until you both calm down. Only as you lap up Eunha’s juices, which are glistening on the skin around her lips, do you realize that you just came inside her mouth.

Eunha climbs off of you and then turns around. Her cheeks are a little red from her orgasm. And when she opens her mouth, you see your cum inside of her. She closes her mouth and gives you a sexy smirk. You can tell she is playing around with it with her tongue. By the way her right cheek bulges, it seems like she pushed all of your cum into that one cheek.

“If only we had enough time…My pussy is just so wet right now.”

She lifts her skirt and your eyes dart back and forth between her wet pussy and her cum filled mouth. You can’t decide on what’s hotter. But Eunha quickly helps you decide by opening her mouth once more, pushing your cum around with her tongue again.

“You should give me more of this later. It tastes very good.”

“Fuck, Eunha.”

You get up as well and take a step closer.

“Stay here after the party. I need you to use my body to make yourself cum.”

She closes her mouth once more and your eyes widen when you watch her throat bulge slightly. Eunha gulps down your cum with a satisfied smile on her face. She opens her mouth again, showing off that she swallowed the whole load.

You’re about to say something, when you see a car pull onto the driveway through the window behind her. The two of you quickly try to look normal. You put your pants back on, while Eunha pulls down her skirt a little further. Just when you finish packing your things, you hear the doorbell ring. 

“Hi, Zuha.”

The two girls share a quick hug, while you down the rest of the Coke Eunha gave you earlier. Kazua seems to have noticed you, because she calls your name.

“Hey, how are you doing?”

You haven’t seen her for a couple of days. The only class the two of you share is Ms. Kang’s PE class.

“I’m great. Are you going to help us set everything up?”

Before you can answer, Eunha shakes her head.

“He was just here because we did our homework together. He was just about to leave.”

She turns around to face you.

“You’re coming back later, right?”

Eunha gives you a seductive wink.”

“Yeah, I’m just gonna change and be right back.”

You feel a little awkward talking to Zuha after cuming inside Eunha’s mouth mere moments ago. But Eunha seems to be unbothered as she helps the younger girl get all the booze out of her trunk, while you head back home.

“Yes!”

You laugh triumphantly, raising your arms. The ping pong ball just landed inside the red plastic cup across the table from you. You ignore Yeji’s glare with practiced ease as you give Eunha a high five. Your teammate changed her clothes as well. Instead of wearing a pink top and a black skirt, she is now wearing a pink top with a white skirt. They are both bigger now, which means no one can see her panties while she just stands around. But her skirt is still short enough to show off her thighs. And by the looks of it, you aren’t the only guy at the party who appreciates Eunha’s outfit choice.

“Eunha unnie!”

One of her friends calls her and a moment later, Eunha disappears inside the small crowd in her living room. You head for the kitchen to get yourself another drink. While reaching for the bottle of whiskey, someone bumps into you from behind, before she takes her place next to you and holds out her cup.

“Pour me one, loser.”

You roll your eyes as you open the bottle.

“Suck a bag of dicks.”

Someone just turned off the lights, so you can’t see her face, but you know it’s not Yeji. She would never talk to you voluntarily. 

“Right back at ya.”

You fill your cup, before you let the bottle hover over hers.

“Changed my mind.”

You hear her scoff as you put the whiskey back down and put the lid on.

“You suck.”

She reaches for the bottle.

“Says the cheerleader who has the flexibility of my great grandfather.”

The two of you would have continued your daily amount of banter, if it wasn’t for Minju, who suddenly appears on your other side.

“Oppa, wanna dance?”

“Not really, no.”

Minju ignores you and takes your hand. You’re reminded of her mother from earlier today. Another wave of guilt washes over you. You quickly drown your feelings with the whiskey in your hand as she drags you towards the middle of the living room.

It seems like the music becomes louder as you watch Minju starting to dance. Her body moving to its rhythm. 

“Come on.”

Her smile warms your heart as she sees you just standing there. You take her hand and Minju playfully lifts it over her head and twirls around underneath it.

Soon after, the two of you are surrounded by only lights. Only the two of you exist. And the music. The music makes Minju move. Move against you. Her back presses against your front. Her head just right where your heart is. Her arms are raised as she lets the feeling of ecstasy rush through her body. You look down on her with a smile on your face. Minju’s happiness captivates you too. You reach down, placing your hands loosely on her wide hips. You feel the black denim on your skin. Minju keeps on moving her body to the music as you hear her laugh. You move closer, pressing yourself flush against her from behind. The two of you were never this close. But now, Minju is dancing in your arms.

After a while, you feel her ass brush against your crotch once. And then again. And again. You can feel how Minju almost grinds herself back against you as she dances in the middle of the room. In the middle of the crowd. You don’t know if it’s intentional or not, but Minju starts to make you hard. Your hands on her hips were already a start, but her ass against your clothed cock quickens the process.

A moan almost escapes her lips as Minju feels your length between her cheeks. Up until this day, there was never any sexual tension between the two of you. You were always friends. Nothing more. And yet, Minju can feel how right this is. How good it is. It’s the first time she is even thinking about your cock. Even during the competition earlier, she didn’t really think about sleeping with you. It was just to prove to Eunha that Minju can be as sexy as she is, if she wants to be. But now, your length makes her let out another moan. The loud music stops it, before it reaches your ear. Minju closes her eyes as she keeps dancing. As she keeps grinding against you. 

Minju’s warm body against yours almost makes you forget what you planned on doing today. But when your eyes fall on Yeji, who is talking to Kazuha, you remember vividly. For some reason it almost turns you on even more. That Yeji will be seeing a video of you fucking her mother.

Minju makes you focus on her once more, when she reaches for your neck. Your eyes leave Yeji and you look down on the girl in front of you. She slightly pulls your head down while she keeps her eyes closed. You wouldn’t dare to kiss her right now. Not even on her forehead. But you can smell her shampoo as you get close enough. You close your eyes as well, inhaling Minju’s scent. You wonder what could’ve happened next. But the music stops. Everyone around you stops dancing. Minju turns around to look at you. Before she can say something, you take your phone out of your pocket.

“I gotta show you something, Minju. It’s important.”

She nods and you take her hand and lead her outside the living room. Once the two of you reach a quieter place, you take a deep breath. The dancing just now makes you see Minju in a different light, but you have to focus. 

“Here. Someone sent it to me.”

You click on the video and let it play. You see Minju narrowing her eyes as she takes a closer look.

“T-This is…They are…”

Her eyes are now wide open as she realizes it’s a video of two people having sex. It looks like the guy is holding the camera.

“I wanted to show it to you first.”

You try to sound as concerned as possible. You hate to lie to Minju, but if this is the way to finally make Yeji pay, so be it.

“Why?”

“You see the woman? Isn’t that Yeji’s…”

You don’t finish the sentence, but Minju surely understands what you are hinting at.

She leans in closer, wanting to make sure you are wrong. But when the camera zooms in on the woman’s face, Minju lets out a gasp. She looks up at you with shock in her eyes.

“Who sent this to you?”

“That’s not the worst part, Minju.”

You point at the lower right corner of the video. The hallway is almost completely dark, but your phone is bright enough for Minju to read the watermark.

onlyfans.com/tiffany

“Oppa…”

Minju’s worried face almost makes you confess, but you stay strong.

“I-I have to tell her.”

Minju has already walked past you, but she stops and turns around.

“Can you send it to me? She won’t believe me otherwise.”

“Sure.”

You see the disgust on her face. She doesn’t want that video to be on her phone. The video of her best friend's mother having sex. But she has to tell Yeji.

“Thank you.”

Minju disappears inside the living room and you lean against the wall behind you. You sigh, shaking your head. Now that you did it, you wonder if this was too hard. What if it destroys Yeji? Will she confront her mother?

While you’re having second thoughts, Minju has already reached Yeji.

“Come with me.”

Another shot of whiskey burns your throat. You just saw Minju and Yeji disappear upstairs and you know there isn’t a way to undo this. And now that you did it, you feel horrible. But then again, Yeji has tormented you since you can remember. You are just the first person to strike. You’re sure that Yeji has something up her sleeve as well.

“Slow down, oppa.”

Eunha appears next to you and grabs your cup, before you’re able to drink more.

“You don’t look so great.”

“I’m fine.”

You reach for the bottle, but Eunha slaps your hand away and shakes her head. 

“No more drinking, oppa.”

“I said I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe you. You look down. But that's okay. There are other ways to lift your mood. Better ways.”

Her last words make you look at her and her smirk tells you what she has in mind.

“Eunha-”

“Shhh.”

Eunha places a finger on your lips, while her other hand reaches for one of yours.

“I’ve been so fucking wet since you made me cum.”

She kisses your cheek as you feel your fingers brush against the hem of her skirt.

“Do it again.”

“There are people here.”

“So? No one is watching. And because of the counter, no one can see my lower half.”

You know it’s true. And the idea of being able to have your fingers inside of her again makes you hard. You know you shouldn’t. It’s too risky. And yet you don’t fight it, when Eunha guides your hand along her thigh.

You aren’t surprised by her lack of panties. She already told you what she planned on doing with you later on. Her hand rests on your arm as you insert two fingers inside her snatch once more. Eunha is facing the crowded living room and you stand behind her. She is forced to look at all the people here, trying to pretend like nothing is happening. Eunha can almost feel like somebody's watching her. In the far right corner of the living room. But she doesn’t dare look up. Her eyes close as you put your thumb on her clit.

You can tell that Eunha is still wet from earlier. Her breathing is already getting faster. She begins to lean back against you as the pleasure turns her legs into a shaking mess. She reaches forward with one hand, supporting herself on the counter in front of her. The other hand is still holding onto your arm, her nails slowly starting to dig into your skin. Eunha tries to stand straight, but she falters as your thumb begins to circle around her clit.This got her going before, so why not do it again?

Soon, Eunha’s full body weight is on you and her ass is pressed against your clothed cock. Her breathing is shallow and quick as if she just went for a run. You’re actually impressed by how quiet she is, but then again, the music is quite loud. You see that her eyes are closed, before she buries her face in your shoulder. It sounds like she lets out a cry. A second later, her whole body shakes. Her pussy contracts around your fingers and you almost feel how her clit is pulsating against your thumb.

“Oppa…”

She sighs into your shoulder, visibly satisfied after her orgasm. But now you are hard. And you can’t help but let your, with slick covered, hand run over her naked thigh. Eunha notices how your dick pushes against her ass from behind. With a cute smirk on her lips, she reaches behind herself.

“Let me help you too, oppa.”

It takes her a while, because she can’t see what she is doing and because she only uses one hand, but eventually, Eunha has unzipped your zipper and fished out your cock. Your pants stay on and so does Eunha’s skirt. You lean forward a little, sliding your cock between her thick thighs.

Another sigh leaves her lips and you try to act normal by not looking down on what you’re doing. That’s why you’re now able to see Minju and Yeji walk through the living room. They are heading to the front door. Yeji’s head hangs low, her face covered by her hair. Minju seems to be comforting her as her hand rests on her friend’s back. You feel a sting of regret in your chest, but Eunha quickly makes you focus back on her.

“Fuck my thighs, oppa.”

You plant a kiss on the back of Eunha’s head and start to thrust in and out of the gap between her thighs. The thought of Minju and Yeji is soon gone as you take your pleasure from Eunha. You’re careful to not go too fast or hard, afraid someone would notice. Instead, you enjoy Eunha’s softness with slow and long strokes. Both your hands hold her waist, keeping her in place.

“You feel so big…”

Eunha’s eyes are closed once more, her head slowly sinking back against your shoulder again. You’re tempted to give this beautiful face a kiss, but now you feel it too. The same thing Eunha felt earlier. The feeling of someone watching you. Your heart pounds faster and you slow down your thrusts. You look around, trying to make out the person who is looking at you two amongst the crowd. When you don’t find anyone suspicious, you shrug off the feeling. Maybe you’re just nervous. Or it’s the alcohol in your system.

Another sip of vodka burns Kazuha’s throat. Her eyes are fixated on what’s going on in the kitchen. You’re still standing behind Eunha. Earlier, it seemed like you had a hand under her skirt, almost as if you were fingering her. But now, Kazuha is sure that you’re actually fucking Eunha. Slow and careful, but not unnoticeable for anyone who looks at you more carefully. The older girl’s head has dropped back against your shoulder and Kazuha can see her pleasure wrecked face. Eyes closed, nose slightly scrunched, lips twitching. She can’t believe the two of you would do something this daring. She already suspected you, when she saw the two of you earlier. The way Eunha was dressed only meant one thing. And now she got proof. After another gulp of the burning clear liquid, Kazuha can’t help but place a hand loosely over her shorts.

Her fingers just slightly press against her core. She’d never do anything intimate in such a public and crowded place. But the sight of you fucking Eunha only a few meters away from the crowd turns her on. Kazuha bites her lip as she presses down on her core a little harder. Very very slowly, she moves her hand up and down. The alcohol and the increasing need slowly makes her body burn up. If only she could… 

Her fingers linger on her belt. In that moment she sees someone walking towards you and Eunha. She sighs in disappointment. Kazuha watches how you quickly step back and reach towards your pants, while Eunha, still a little out of it, straightens her hair and her skirt. The two of you pretend like nothing happened. And after a couple of words, Eunha and her friend exit the kitchen.

“Goodbye! Get home safe!”

As soon as the door closes, you press Eunha flat against it. The two of you quickly lose yourselves in a heated make out session. After getting interrupted earlier, the both of you are too horny to even wait a second. Eunha’s house is now empty. Everyone is gone. Only the two of you are here. And you make use of that.

Because you are still hard from earlier, Eunha doesn’t bother with giving you another blowjob. As soon as your pants are off, she spits into her hand and reaches for your shaft. The two of you look into each other’s eyes as she strokes you, coating your cock with her spit.

“I need you so bad. Fuck me hard.”

Her words make you kiss her once more, your hands roam her body. You enjoy the feeling of her curves under your palms. Eventually, you push her towards the couch. Eunha quickly throws away a jacket someone left there and puts an empty bottle on the table next to it. Now that you have enough space, you bend Eunha over the armrest. You are doing this quickly. You can’t wait any longer to finally feel Eunha’s pussy properly.

“Fill me, oppa.”

She sighs as you lift up her skirt, exposing her ass and her pussy as well. Your hand slides over her wet labia, making sure she is wet enough, before you align yourself with her core. Slowly pushing inside of her, you press Eunha further into the soft armrest. The two of you take deep breaths as each of you try to get accustomed to this new feeling. Your length makes Eunha feel full. She can tell how you’re stretching her out. At the same time, you can’t help but compare Eunha’s pussy with Tiffany’s. She is tighter. That much is clear. But Tiffany is also a little smoother than Eunha on the inside. Maybe that’s because Tiffany is just wetter than Eunha. Either way, both of them feel amazing. And now, Eunha’s snatch lures you further inside. Her body wants to feel more of you.

You place your hands on her back, leaning over her. Now she can’t escape, fully trapped in between you and the armrest. After pulling out almost entirely, you thrust back inside. 

“Holy fuck…”

Eunha’s lust filled sigh makes you smirk as her body gets rocked forward. 

“How was I able to wait this long? It feels so good…”

You’re not sure if she is talking to herself, but you lean down further and kiss her neck. 

“You’re so hot, Eunha.”

Another thrust makes her move once more. Her face is now on the same height as the small coffee table next to the sofa. Eunha can’t help but stare at the picture that is standing on it as you give her another thrust. Her and her sister on vacation. The one you saw earlier.

“I’m such a slut. Fuck me hard.”

She whines, turned on by the thought of having her sister in the picture watch her getting fucked.

You notice how her eyes are glued to the photo. You hesitate as you keep fucking her, but eventually you decide to speak your mind.

“Wonyoung is so hot, Eunha.”

“You really think so?”

Her breath quickens, but she almost sounds disappointed. You can feel how tight her pussy is around your cock. How it holds onto you, whenever you retreat.

“Of course. I bet she is the thightest.”

“Oh, fuck!”

Eunha didn’t think this would turn her on so much. She bites into the leather armrest, trying to prevent another yelp.

“And her face…I just want to ruin it. This little brat.”

Eunha’s eyes roll to the back of her head as your cock reaches her deepest depths. She cant’ belive she is getting fucked in her parent’s living room. Right in front of a picture of herself and her sister. 

“Yes, ruin her. Make her cheat on her stupid boyfriend. I bet your cock is way bigger than his.”

Her whines make you kiss her neck again, before whispering into her ear.

“Do you like it when I talk about fucking your sister, while I use you as a fleshlight?”

Another whine. Eunha nods weakly, your cock seems to push all of her energy out of her with every thrust.

“Yes, I like it. I like it when you use me like a slut.”

You fuck her harder, too turned on by her words to hold yourself back.

“That’s what you are, Eunha. A slut.”

The word rings in her ears as you pound her from behind. She can almost feel how it invades her mind, how it makes her feel good.

“Yes, I’m a slut. Your little slut, oppa.”

Her cries have you press down on her back further. You can feel how her body tenses under your weight. How her pussy clenches around your length.

“That’s why you always wear these short skirts. You love it when everyone can see your thighs and ass.”

“That’s true. I love to feel like a slut.”

You push Eunha’s body further over the armrest, until she almost falls over. Your thrusts now reaching even deeper inside of her. Her ass is now at the perfect angle for you to give it a nice slap.

"Harder, oppa!”

Eunha cries out, when you hit her cheek. The flesh ripples even more, because you keep fucking her. Her walls tighten around you with every following thrust.

“Damn, Eunha. You’d do anything for my cock, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would. Anything.”

Another slap almost makes her sob. 

“You’re such a pathetic slut, Eunha. I’d rather fuck your little sister.”

The volume of her whines increase with two more slaps on each of her cheeks. Her head is hanging so low by now that Eunha has to look up to see the picture of her sister.

"Do it, oppa! Please! I’m just a worthless slut.”

Her cry almost makes you feel pity. Her pussy still has a tight grip on your cock and her walls massage you during every thrust. How could you ever think about someone else while you fuck her?

“No you aren’t, Eunha.”

Your kiss on her lower back is more affectionate this time. More loving.

“You are a good girl. And so fucking hot.”

Instead of spanking her, you now squeeze her cheeks softly, soothing the pain from earlier just a little.

“I’m not. You are right, oppa. I’m a huge slut.”

Her whine makes you fuck her harder. Your hands are both now holding onto her waist. You rock her body back and forth. Every thrust makes Eunha lose control further. Her legs can’t support her anymore. They are too weak by now. She is just hanging off the armrest, while you fuck her from behind.

“Don’t put yourself down like that. You’re beautiful, Eunha. I’m in love with your body.”

You hear her gasp and moan at your words. Eunha’s body is all warm and light. Her pussy is taking your cock so well, her walls stretching around it to take in as much as possible.

“Thank you, oppa. I really want to be a good girl for you.”

“Then ride me.”

You peel her off the armrest and lift her up. She’s lighter than you expected. As you move her around to sit on your lap, her foot hits a bottle on the coffee table in front of you. She knocks it over and it falls to the floor.

“I’m sorry, oppa.”

Eunha whines, but her pussy tingles as she looks down to see your cock lying against it.

“I changed my mind. You really are a bad girl. A slut.”

Eunah whimpers as you lift her and ease yourself inside her once more.

“I-I’m not a slut. You said-”

“I lied. You’re nothing but a set of holes.”

A moan leaves her lips as she glides along your length.

“Oppa…”

Her disappointed sigh makes you lift her up and drop her again.

“Shut it.”

You wrap your arms around her waist, pulling her close.

“I wish you were Wonyoung. She is way prettier than you. And tighter.”

Eunha whines as you make her ride your cock. You lift her up far enough, so her feet are planted on your thighs, while her pussy moves up and down on your cock.

“But I’m doing my best. Isn’t my pussy tight enough for you?”

“You mean this pathetic little cunt?”

You give her clit a light slap.

Eunha gasps and moans. Her body shakes. You feel bad for a moment. Was that too much? Did you hurt her?

“I’m sorry, oppa. You’re right. Wonyoungs pussy is better than mine.”

Her sobs tell you that it did hurt. At least a little. You kiss her neck, wanting to ease the pain.

“But please use me, while she isn’t here. I’ll do my best for you.”

“I don’t know if that’s gonna be enough, slut.”

Throughout the next couple of hours, Eunha proves what a good slut she can be time and time again. By now, the two of you made it to her room. You don’t remember how many times you’ve already filled her pussy up, but Eunha seems as hungry for your cum as before. Now she is riding you again. You lie flat on her bed, while she keeps bouncing on your cock. Her clothes are all gone by now. Her naked body captivates you, your eyes currently focused on her tits. You reach up to them. You play with them, squeeze them, pinch her nipples. It all makes Eunha ride you faster.

“Am I a good slut for you, oppa?”

You were able to taste the alcohol on her lips during your kiss at her front door. But now it seems to be completely gone as she leans down to give you another kiss.

“Yes, you are. Such a tight, good little slut.”

Her proud smile turns into an O as your tip grazes her deepest spot. Her tight pussy squeezes you hard. Her hands on your chest  make her nails dig into your skin.

“Oppa…!”

Her cry rings in your ears as Eunha almost collapses on top of you. But you hold her in place. Her limb body too weak to move. You start to thrust into her from underneath. A couple of weak moans leave her lips. You’re close as well. You can feel it. Her small orgasm has pushed you towards the edge. Her walls still give you irregular squeezes. Her cute face wordlessly begs you for another load.

You tighten your grip on her hips. A couple of more ups and downs, until you finally hold her in place. Eunha’s ass is pressed against your lap as you shoot your cum deep inside of her. Your classmate moans, feeling your seed invade her pussy.

“Oppa…”

You let go of her waist and she sinks onto your chest.The two of you stay in place after a long night of partying and sex. You feel her chest heave and her face on your chest. You listen to Eunha’s breaths. They become slower and slower. And eventually, she falls asleep.

You wake up alone. It’s a slow process. But eventually you are able to realize where you are. Still at Eunha’s. You hear her rummaging around downstairs. After a couple of minutes, you finally reach the foot of the stairs. You’re worn out and still tired. But since today is a holiday, you don’t have to go to school.

It seems like Eunha has already cleaned up most of the party from yesterday. You spot her standing in the kitchen. She is wearing nothing but a black bra and matching panties. You can already feel how the sight of her makes you hard again. Why are you so horny lately?

“Hello, there.”

Eunha gives you a bright smile. Walking up to her, you watch what she is doing. Breakfast.

"Morning."

You walk up behind her and wrap your arms around her waist.

“Is that oatmeal?”

Eunha definitely caught your lack of excitement.

“It is. But only for me. Your breakfast is over there.”

She points at the bag of cereal on the edge of the counter. A bowl and milk next to it.

“Great.”

You start to make your own breakfast.

“Is this Wonyoung’s?”

You catch her hesitating, before she nods.

“It is.”

“Hey,...”

You reach out for her arm.

“Sorry about last night. I got carried away a little.”

Eunah smiles at you.

“It’s fine. It was kinda…hot.”

You smile back at her and pour the milk into the bowl with the cereal.

“But just to make things clear: This was just pure sex. Nothing more.”

You look at her and nod. 

“No problem."

You walk up behind her again. You just can’t help it. She just looks so good when she wears only underwear. Eunha bites her lip when she feels your cock press against her cheeks.

“But I hope we can have some more fun now?”

“I’d love to.”

Eunha leans back and captures your lips with hers. You let your hands wander over her chest, giving her tits a couple of squeezes.

“But I’m sure my mom is coming home soon. We will have to be quick.”

“Don’t worry. This won’t take long.”

Eunha chuckles as she feels you pulling her panties off her hips. Your boxers lie on the floor a second later.

“Oh, yes.”

Eunha sighs, her hands pressed flat against the surface of the counter in front of her as you push inside. Her pussy feels familiar to you by now. Warm and tight. Just wet enough for you to fuck her properly after a couple of slow thrusts.

“We definitely need to do this again sometime.”

She sighs dreamily, eyes only half open as she feels you slowly pushing in and out of her. The two of you are still sleepy, so you don’t go too hard. Another moan leaves Eunha’s lips as you push a little deeper. Her head falls back. You kiss her upper back, her shoulders, her neck. Her skin feels smooth under your lips. You close your eyes as the two of you get lost in the pleasure that both your bodies provide for one another.

Suddenly, the two of you freeze.

“Was that a car?”

“Shit, shit, shit! My mom!”

You can see the fear in Eunha’s eyes. It was already dangerous enough to throw a party at her house, without permission. But if her mother catches her while she gets plowed in her kitchen…

[ozzgin]

Some more dick-related brain rot…😘

We take the self serve dick bar and use monsters for the monster hotel. We are going to have that full “continental breakfast.” So we have a forest entity cumming maple syrup, a Minotaur cumming milk/creme, a yeti who cums slushies, a slime who cums various jams depending on whatever fruit we feed it, and any more monsters who we can utilize ☺️

When you were talking about your rats, it made me think of some rat-hybrid monster where reader can steer him via. his dick, like a reverse Ratatouille scenario 🐀

Having a robot/android partner, I could use his dick as a literal joy stick when playing video games. Also, if I have to charge robot/android, do you think his dick acts like a giant extension cord I could just plug into the outlet in the wall? Also does that mean he technically “eats” with his dick? I assume when traveling with him internationally, I gotta get a lot of compatible adapters so he can get plugged in successfully🕹️

A Hydra monster would be kinda funny to have sex with, cause maybe if you cut its “head” down south, two more will grow back 🤔

I think that’s all for now. Tell your man that he is very much appreciated, and it’s nice he’s in this club of debauchery 😉

-👘

This amount of thirst and depravity is exactly what the monster guests would come up with just to have Reader employee touch them. 😭 Content: gender neutral reader, rancid NSFW!!! (more white sauce I’m afraid), monster smut

The latest fad your centaur manager has been into is food cooked with bodily fluids. This has had several implications, all of them regrettably involving you.

While the idea has been gripping at his mind like a great plague, he can't possibly ask you to just...let go over his breakfast toast. He can already see how exhausted you return after being used by the starved guests. They stuff you just enough for you to wonder if you'll survive it, then make sure to clean up their mess, politely aiding your speedy recovery, almost as if they weren't the cause of destruction to begin with. The manager has heard it one too many times that your nether regions are numb from all the monstrous tongues and appendages.

Maybe a change of scenery will help.

"Kitchen staff? I thought I'm supposed to clean the rooms", you inquire, somewhat confused by the sudden proposal.

"It's not quite...kitchen duties, per se. We need someone to help with the hotel's breakfast. We have a new experimental menu, though not enough...hands."

You should've expected it. How bad could it possibly be, you told yourself, pouring some orange juice for the seated guests? You had your first suspicions from the big, flashy sign now propped outside the room: service provided by our esteemed and loved human employee. You didn't need to ponder much on its meaning. Once inside, your task became painfully clear. You were to milk the guests for the required ingredients.

Having their way with you is a treat in itself, but seeing you struggle with your small, human hands, trying to figure them out? Priceless. Well, for them, anyways. Despite your protests, you have left your morning shifts with a ridiculous number of tips. Maybe it's the way you look up through your lashes as you explain: "Of course I know your weak spot. You're one of my- our regulars." Or maybe it's the way you tease your favorites, wondering out loud, with a grin, if you should have some of the generous release for your own lunch later.

Your hard work has not gone unnoticed. The centaur head manager recently made the sheepish suggestion of having you at the receiving end of this new service, trying his best to sound convincing, and hiding the fact it’s been his most ardent wish for the past couple of weeks. Maybe he will get his breakfast topping, after all.

[Monster Hotel] | [More Monsters]

[centrally-unplanned]

Academic History YouTuber Premodernist released video recently on "State Flag" discourse, and flag discourse more wildly, that I thought was pretty good! I agreed with 50% of it. For those who don't know, there is a longstanding movement in the vexillology community to push for more simplified flag designs, and they hate the state flags of the US as their antithesis; a movement that catapulted into the internet mainstream when YouTuber CGPGrey released a video riffing on that debate and grading all the state flag designs.

That video is great by the way (it's hilarious, CGP Grey is just very talented as a performer), and the biggest thing Premodernist is wrong about is that the state flags do suck. But what he gets right is that the so-called "principles" briefly referred to in the video are themselves pretty weak; some are fine but others do not hold up to much scrutiny. The state flags largely suck for the boring reason that they just suck; they are shitty designs and often repeat each other in a domain where "standing out" is the point. Like what the fuck Montana:

This is something a 5th grader whips up in PowerPoint for a class presentation. Helvetica Bold?? "Mandated by law in 1985" yeah I didn't need Wikipedia tell me this decision dates to the 80's.

But that is boring and subjective, right? You can't just say they suck. So you had to make a theory about it - and I won't go into too much detail but it generally boils down to:

Make it simple, "something a child could draw"

Make it "distinct at a distance", since it is a flag you are supposed to see it at a distance

Three colors or fewer

No words on flags

Which I think you can get the philosophy for. These principles, which CGP Grey outlines, actually come from the work of Ted Kaye, who is a big figure in the aforementioned flag reform movement and the focus of most of the video. As part of the original CGP Grey video I just rolled with that, but I did remember him showing Utah's newly designed flag at the end which embodied these principles, and uh:

This is kind of mid? Like it doesn't suck, but it looks like a corporate redesign of a hockey team logo or something. A bit of a red flag (hah) if your front-and-center case is weak.

Anyway this is what Premodernist digs into in the video. The stuff I agreed with the most are the parts where he just ???? at some of these rules. "No finicky bits", a "child must draw it", "distinct at a distance"? None of these actually track for say this one:

A child drawing the US flag does not draw 50 stars and 13 stripes unless they are a budding librarian; you absolutely cannot tell if this flag has 50 stars on it from a distance, and that level of detail is clearly some kind of finicky. Of course your response is "okay sure but still, I can tell what the flag is from a distance, I can't count the 50 stars but I get the gist". But that is true for almost all flags!

It's a fern and a peace pipe and a brown thing and the word "Oklahoma" below it, you absolutely, 100%, will be able to tell what this flag is at a distance. You don't need to count the leaves to get the general shape, and when you think about it, it is actually kind of silly anyone would claim otherwise. There just isn't any need to appreciate the tiny details on a flag to understand whose flag it is. (the only valid critique here is that everything should be bigger - too much dead space)

Not to mention the "see from a distance" thing even being a metric. That isn't how you encounter flags most often today? Maybe in the 19th century on a battlefield that was (and even then you had battle standards), but it isn't now. You see it in textbooks, on your computer screen, as an icon for a football game team, right next to you in a government office. Why privilege distance? You just made that up as a value. 99% of "flag consumption" is not seeing it at a distance.

The "only use ~3 colors thing" is the funniest, you can just argue this with...no? No you don't. You don't. What? No. You can...you can just use more colors? Here is an example from the "manual" Ted Kaye wrote on the subject:

And the 5 bands on the chinese flag are fine! They are not "hard to look at" or whatever. Also, I am screenshotting a tiny corner of a youtube video, this image is like 240p, and I can tell its a dragon - and that isn't even the color point it is trying to make, dude just deviates off into another critique. Meanwhile the Amsterdam flag looks like a traffic warning sign. Chinese flag needs to not have the white stripe connect into the white seal background, that is an error, but otherwise I prefer it.

It is annoying how many of the state flags are a blue banners with a round seal in the middle. That does make them hard to distinguish from each other. But that isn't a problem with seal-on-blue, that is just a collective action problem! Flag-reform-favourite the tricolor can run into this too - here are the flags of the Netherlands and Luxembourg:

Like one of your needs to go home and change, that is ridiculous. Though if you had a complex seal in the middle that might avoid this problem! Funny that.

Even the "no words on a flag" argument, which I am more sympathetic to, doesn't hold up too well because too often you find yourself going "unless it is good" which just isn't a rule. The Iranian flag is the stand-out he mentions:

The middle crest is a stylized rendition of the name Allah, and the cursive lining on the tricolor bands are text as well - God Is Great, 22 times, marking the anniversary date of the Islamic Revolution. Stylistically beautiful, also words on a flag. The state flags just didn't try to do anything artistic.

I think the best point Premodernism mentions is a sort of stylistic unity Kaye & Co are pursuing above all else - everything sacrificed for corporate minimalism. Kaye's book will say it respects history and symbols should be meaningful, but then hates any symbols that require complexity. He singles out Turkmenistan as an ugly flag for example:

And as I said I only 50% disagree sometimes, I do think there is a complexity limit, and this flag goes over it, that is too detailed. Though the main reason this flag is bad is the weird choice to not put the banner at the edge, and have the crescent just...float off center? If it was this:

Two seconds in paint, already better, you can play with it. But anyway, you can say the symbols are too complex, but if you also say you care about historical meaning? Turkmenistan is a nation of traditional semi-nomadic tribes, who populated the Silk Road and made textiles as their ultimate expression of art. These carpet guls are traditional symbols used in those carpets that represent the five major tribes that compose the country. You can't just invent new symbols that have equal meaning to these, right? Like you can try if you want, sure, new symbols become meaningful all the time. But a rule that says "all art from before 1950 is tossed in the dumpster because it wouldn't pass muster as a Pepsi logo" is a weird rule to adopt if you say you value historical meaning. Turkmenistan does not have to look like France, and it is weird to want every national symbol to be aesthetically coherent to each other. Let 100 flags bloom! It is certainly "distinct at a distance" lol.

Anyway that is enough summarizing of a YouTube video - as I mentioned, he actually likes the state flags, I don't, I do think you have to balance a lot of this with just "general design principles". Never have your name on a flag in Helvetica Bold, amazing I had to write that one down for you. But a lot of these flag-specific rules derived from Kaye's work I often see bandied about are silly, and I was glad to see someone point that out.

[tan1shere]

I'm Sorry

Billie Eilish x female reader !

A/n: saw this video on tiktok of this girl accidentally breaking a gift her bf got her and her being so apologetic, and I can just imagine how bill would be with you:(

Summary: Billie reassures you when you accidentally break her gift.

Warnings: none just fluff ! Kinda angst tho ??

Masterlist

It was time again. Your birthday, just another year of getting older. You were currently laying in bed, half asleep as the sun was shining through the curtains. You then feel hands on your shoulders. "Babyy, its your birthday!" Billie sings as she says that. You cover your face. "Does it have to be." She plops down on the bed. "Oh come on, it's not every day you're 21!" You open an eye to see she had a few gifts. Your other eye opens as you look at her. "Bubba, I thought we agreed on two at most." She puts her finger up to your lips. "I couldn't help myself."

You sigh with a bright smile, sitting up to prepare for her little gifts. She hands you the first one, some clothes you had been wanting. Next up, some skin care. She was always so thoughtful of the things you needed. And lastly, maybe your favorite. You open up the wrapping revealing a glass red rose. You marvel at it. "I know how much you love roses and how upset you get when they start to die, but this way you can have it all the time." She smiles at you. Your eyes meet hers as you almost have tears in them. You leap over to hug her tightly.

"Thank you baby! I love it so so much." She smiles. "Knew you would." Her hands grab your face, thumb swiping over your cheek. "Happy birthday angel." She leans in to kiss you softly, so glad you like the gifts. "Some of them came from your mother. I put them in a vase already for you." You then kiss her cheek, placing the glass rose down on the bedside table. "Thank you babe, I'll go smell them soon."

A few days pass and you honestly had the best birthday ever, Billie was spoiling you like crazy. Took you out for a nice meal too. Today you were working from home, doing some needed chores along the way. Bill was at Finneases working on some stuff in his studio. You did take a small break though. Getting into bed and scrolling for a glass case to put around your new gift. Just to make sure it's safe. You go to grab your water, but as you do. Eyes glued to your screen. You hear a shatter. Uh oh. Your head turns slowly.

Panic rising within you. "Fuck. No no no." You say frantically trying not to freak out. You get on the floor picking up the pieces. Shit. It was really broken. You cry. Cry because you broke the sweetest gift, given by the sweetest person and you broke it. You curse at yourself. You feel so stupid. You're an idiot your brain tells you.

How.

Could.

You.

You grab the pieces, but as you do you accidentally cut your finger. "Shit!" You winced. How could this get any worse. You pick up any remaining shards. Standing up and contemplating. She was gunna hate you. You thought. You don't blame her, you had only just got it. Your hands go to your hair, all these bad thoughts rushing through. You were going to have a shower after you got the case. But now you don't even need the case because you stupidly broke the rose. So. Stupid. Your tears still streaming down your face, you felt so awful. The image of Billie being so hurt right after she was so excited giving it to you.

You get into the shower, sliding down the wall. All you could think about was how she was going to react when she comes home. The hot water ran over your crying form. You hadn't even heard the front door open and Billie calling out like she always does. Until you hear faint footsteps and the bathroom door open. "Baby?" Had she seen it yet...

"Y-yeah.." You reply, she opens up the curtain to see you in the position you were in. Confused as anything. "What's going on love?" She always knew when something was bothering you. "I'm so sorry." You pathetically cry out. "Baby, talk to me." She says stopping the water from running. You just shake your head, lip quivering. "Sweetheart, please." You take a moment. "Don't hate me." You weakly say. "How could I ever?" Her bewilderment made your heart ache more for what you are about to tell her.

"Go look on my bedside floor." Your voice was hushed. So incredibly worried as she goes to do so. Her eyes land on the last little bits of glass, looking at the shattered mess on your table. Her heart breaks, but not because you broke it and most definitely by accident. It was because you were so upset, she hated seeing you upset. She comes back in the room to you still in tears. "Bub, hey. It's ok." - "it's not. Im so sorry I'm so-" She stops your apologies. "Baby. We can fix it. It's fixable. And if not I'll just buy you another. I swear to you. It's all ok."

Her voice was tender. So soft and reassuring. Your crying settles just a bit. "Are you sure?" She nods. "So incredibly sure. I'm not mad my girl, never ever would be." Her hand extends out for yours. You take it and get out of the shower. "Are you hurt?" You pout at how sweet she was, you loved this woman to absolute death. "What?" She chuckles. You just shake your head. "Youre just so kind, I love you." She brings you in for a hug, you wrap your arms tightly around her. She couldn't give a single fuck that your body was dripping wet.

It lasted for a long time, before she pulls back and looks at you. "I did just a tiny bit but I'm ok." You state. "Where abouts?" You show her the red mark on your thumb, she grabs it. Bringing it to her lips as kissing it gently. "Like I said before if we can't fix it I'll buy a new one, this time with a case."

"Great idea."

[seungfl0wer]

*𝑺𝒐 𝑩𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍*

Pairing: Seungmin x Reader (Fem)

Genre: Fluffy smut (tiniest bit of angst)

Warnings: Oral (F), Praise, Creampie, Unprotected Sex, Slight mirror sex?, lots of use of beautiful, sorry for any mistakes or missing warnings.

Find The Request Here

-🖤

You were out shopping with some friends, looking for some new clothes for the summer. You found a few pretty things taking a few pictures to ask your boyfriend what he thought of them. Like normal he just replied kinda bland.

You: How do these look? I really like this black one.

Mong😘: Looks good

You: Should I get them? I don’t knooow :(

Mong😘: Get them if you want

You felt a bit sad, I mean he wasn’t being mean or anything. However you were at least hoping for a ‘you look pretty’ or something more. This is how Seungmin is though he doesn’t express himself really well and sometimes it makes you feel bad. Like you’re either boring him or he doesn’t care. You signed a little not even wanting to get it anymore but your friends made sure you did.

When you got home you put the stuff away walking past seungmin who was sitting on the couch scrolling his phone. You thought to yourself ‘maybe if I show him it now he’ll say something?’ You could only hope. You slipped the pretty black dress on walking back out to the living room.

“You got the dress” he said looking up for a moment from his video.

“Yeah! How’s it look?” You asked with a small hopeful smile.

He didn’t even look up shifting a bit in his seat before replying “Good” he said bluntly.

The small smile on your face faded looking over at him before walking back to the room. You felt defeated like maybe he just didn’t find you attractive anymore. You crawled onto your bed hugging onto a pillow and felt a tear fall. You didn’t even realize you started crying. A whirlwind of thoughts spun around in your head. ‘Did I do something wrong?’ ‘Does he even like me anymore?’ ‘Am I just not attractive?’ Your heart sank more and more as the thought just kept swirling.

Seungmin however was still sitting on the couch he let out a small breath situating himself. Realistically he loved the dress on you, you looked so fucking good. When he saw the picture of you in it his cock god instantly hard and seeing you in front of him was the same thing. He didn’t wanna seem like a horn dog so he just kept his thoughts at bay. He did that a lot, knowing how men have treated you in the past. Unbeknownst to him how he was making you feel.

You eventually took the dress off putting it back in the bag. You were just going to take it back. When seungmin had came back to the room he noticed the dress sitting by the door folded in the bag. “Not hanging it up?” He asked looking over at you.

“No. I’m.. I’m just gonna take it back” you said softly not meeting his gaze.

“What why?” He asked confused.

“I just am ok..” you snapped a bit curling yourself into the pillow.

“Is there something wrong with it?” He asked.

“I don’t know is there? Or is there just something wrong with me?” You snapped again this time sitting up to glare at him.

He was taken back a bit “what?”

“Nothing just forget it” you said getting up to walk into the bathroom.

You shut the door behind you feeling like you were gonna cry again. You heard a small knock before seungmin slowly opened it. “Are you alright?” He asked softly.

“Seungmin..” you said choking back your tears. “Am I not attractive to you anymore?” You said voice almost a whisper.

“what? Why would you think that?” He asked more confused than ever.

“You barely touch me, you didn’t even look up from your phone when I came out.. you couldn’t even tell me I looked good in it..” you could feel the tears slowly falling now. Seungmins heart dropping.

“Hey” he said reaching out to you. He cupped your face with his hand whipping the tears away. He turned your head to look at him where you could see the hurt on his face. “I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t- like I don’t like you..” he said softly.

“Then why are you so bland when we texts? Why does it seem like I’m just.. ugly or something..” you said in a whisper.

“Sweetheart, you’re not ugly. I find you so attractive.. I guess I’m just really bad at expressing how I feel towards you because you make me feel so much.” He says. “That dress looks so phenomenal on you. You look- god you look so good in it.” He admits.

You look over his features trying to figure out if he’s being genuine. “Put it back on. I’ll show you how much I like it” he says with a smile.

Although you’re hesitant you do, you go back out slipping it back on before opening the door once more. He smiles taking your hand to bring you over to the mirror for a second. “Look at you. Look how beautiful you look. Those curves” he says placing his hands on your hips. “Your tits look so good in it too, they’re just sat so nicely” he says as he brings his other hand up to fondle them over the fabric. The suddenness of it making you jump a little.

He massaged the softness of your skin, he pushed his body against you letting you feel how hard he was. You let out a soft moan at the feeling of his touch, the feeling of his cock. “And the nice thing about dresses is that I can see those sexy thighs of yours.” He says letting the hand from your ho caress at the plush skin. “And even better thing is that I can do this” he says hiking your dress up a bit to expose your panties.

His hand slid up pressing firmly on your clit. You let out a gasp before moved your panties to the side slipping his fingers under the fabric. He slid his fingers up and down your folds. You felt yourself becoming soaked as he played with you. “Look at yourself sweetheart. So beautiful. I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t think that. But actually I was trying so hard not to just jump you. Fuck. This dress just looks so good on you.” He says before pushing his fingers into your dripping core. His hand that was playing with your tits pulled down on the fabric, Letting your breast spill out.

“My beautiful girl, let me show you how much I love you. How beautiful you are to me.” He says against your ear. You could only let out a groan in acceptance. He moved his fingers into curling them as he picked his pace up a little. He left sloppy kisses to your neck sucking at it, his other hand playing with your nipples. His body rutted against you and in all the pleasure your legs started to wobble.

“Seung- I-“ you stuttered out not being able to finish your sentence.

He smiled before removing himself from you for a split second. He moved your body to face him kissing you hungrily. His hands gripped you close to him he slowly moved you backwards, letting you fall back to the bed. He got on top of you meeting your lips again. He fumbled to take his pants off as he kept kissing you not wanting to pull away. His tongue darted into your mouth wrestling with yours.

You could feel his cock now against your panties. However they weren’t there long before seungmin was pulling them off. He let his cock glide up and down your folds collecting all your wetness. You moaned into the kiss hands finding his hair deepening the kiss. You could feel the warmth from his body against yours his hands wondering lower and lower before they slid into you once more. Fingers pumping into you as his cock slid against your clit.

“Min” you said between breaths.

“Yes sweetheart?” He said pulling away.

“Please” you begged not knowing exactly what you wanted.

He hummed in response before pulling his fingers from you once more. You whined feeling the emptiness only to have seungmin pushing his tip against your entrance.

“This what you want?” He said in a teasing tone.

You nodded “yes, want you”

“Anything you want sweetheart I’ll give you” he said.

He pushed himself slowly into you savoring the feeling as your walls clenched around him. He leaned down to kiss you again as he started to move. His hips rolling into you, cock hitting so perfectly at your cervix. He started off with slow, shallow movements before picking his pace up.

“Y/n- fuck you’re so pretty” he said looking down at you. The way you looked back at him eyes already hazy lost in the pleasure made his cock twitch. His hips snapped harshly pushing him deep into you.

“Fuck!” You moaned out hands scrambling to hold onto him.

“Shit- shit” he said pulling out of you. He was so close already. He didn’t wanna cum yet, he wanted this to last longer. Needed it to last longer, needed to make you cum first.

He moved his body down you, hastily attaching his mouth to your gaping hole. He pushed his tongue in to you. Hands coming down to grip your thighs, as he ate you out like a starved animal. His nose brushed against your clit making your body arch off the bed.

“Min! Seungmin!” You almost screamed hands gripping at his pretty locks. You bucked your hips into his tongue feeling your high getting closer.

“That’s it- use me sweetheart- make yourself cum on my tongue.” He groaned. He let you move against his tongue. His cock twitching at your moans and the grip you had on his hair.

“Shit! Min- I’m- I’m cumming!” You said gripping his hair harder. Legs clamping around him as your body stuttered chasing your high. Seungmin lapped at your juices licking everything you gave him. He rode out your high letting your body settle a bit. He pulled away from your core eyes glazed. His lips glistened with your juices licking them clean.

He moved quickly hovering over you once more. He pushed himself into your sensitive cunt moving sloppily into you. “My beautiful baby. The love of my life. M’sorry for making you feel the way you did. No more. Fuck- I’ll remind you every day how much I love you” he babbled on.

You felt another orgasms sneaking up on you and as if seungmin could read your mind he moved a hand to your clit. Rubbing the overly sensitive nub in unison with his thrusts. The moans that escaped your lips drove him closer and closer to his high.

“Gonna cum for me again? Please- fuck please cum with me” he pleased. Eyes locked on yours now.

“Close Min, I’m- I’m close!” You admitted and he knew. He could feel your cunt clenching around him. Walls pulling him deeper into you.

He moved his hand once more to interlock with your hands. His body pressed against you as he rutted into you deeply. You felt his cock twitch before a guttural moan left his lips. You felt his warm cum spraying your walls coating them as his thrusts slowed a bit. The feeling of his cum mixed with the sounds he was making drove you over the edge. Fuck did he sound so hot.

Your legs gripped around him pulling him in even more before you came. The feeling making him let that sweet sound out again mixing with your own moans. Seungmins body fell to your side pulling you close to him. He wrapped his arms tightly around you kissing your shoulder softly as you both caught your breath.

You could feel his cum dripping out of you making you shiver a bit. “Y/n, if you ever feel this way again tell me ok?” He said softly.

“I will, I’m sorry” you said breathily.

“Hey, none of that don’t apologize. I’m the one that made you feel that way.” He said turning you to look at him. “I love you y/n”

“I love you to Min. So so much” you said smiling fondly at him.

“Let’s get cleaned up, don’t wanna ruin the pretty dress” he said with a smile.

“Oh yeah, I was gonna return it” you said teasingly.

“Nope. Never getting rid of it” he said with a little chuckle.

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

💙 If you’d like to read more of my stuff you can find it Here: Master List . Thank you for reading and if requests are open or you just wanna talk feel free to send me something🩵

Taglist: @satosugu4l @do-you-remember-summer-127 @xines16 @minh0scat @troublemaker02 @tr-mha-fan @lunearta @velvetmoonlght @minghaosimp

[delphi-shield]

SAY IT BACK ↪ letting them leave without an ily

finishing up some smaller things from my wip folder before i buckle down and work on the big stuff again. here's this doofy little fluff piece.

characters included: chris redfield, leon kennedy, jill valentine, ada wong

content: fluff. just fluff. established relationship. mildly ooc behavior for the sake of fluff (also known as being in a relationship and acting stupid)

You found it on TikTok - or maybe it was Instagram, or Facebook - doesn't matter. One of the media conglomerates had given you a horrible idea about how to tease your loving, devoted partner.

It's simple - when they said 'I love you' before they left for work, you just wouldn't say it back. What could go wrong?

Chris Redfield ↪

Did not notice. Secure. In his lane. Unbothered. Probably not moisturized. (Get him a nice oil, fragrance free. He'll like it more if you massage it into his muscles for him, spend a little extra time smoothing along the curve of his spine, up and over the tightness of his shoulders.)

If you're at the point with Chris where he's saying “I love you” in place of a goodbye, he doesn't need to hear you say it back. He's confident in your relationship. Hearing it is just a nice bonus.

You're going to get your own feelings hurt here. Sent yourself into a spiral. Like, damn, does he not listen? Does he not care? What the fuck is his deal?

Chris is legitimately confused when you bring it up to him later. Doesn't get the point of the whole thing. “Why wouldn't you just say you love me?” Head cocked to the side, so puppy-like you can practically see the velvety ears flopping over.

Really doesn't do the whole social media thing. Even when you show him videos as an example, he's just shrugging. "I'm pretty sure those are skits, honey. No one really reacts like that."

If only he knew. Hey - at least now you know that Chris is perfectly content in your relationship and won't let anything silly like this bother him. It's just a sign to ramp up the pranks - more practical jokes, less subtle, harmless emotional manipulation.

That's what you thought, at least, but when Chris flips the light off that night and sidles up behind you in bed, strong arms slipping around your middle and tugging you back to him, his voice rumbles in your ear - "You gonna tell me you love me, or is this gonna be a problem?"

And Chris is really good at extracting confessions. How badly do you actually want to get some sleep tonight?

Jill Valentine ↪

Doesn't seem to have noticed that you ignored her. Walked right out the door without missing a step, didn't even glance back. Her car pulls out of the garage, her sunglasses on - she seems entirely unbothered.

Oh, she’s bothered.

Jill Valentine is Not Petty™️. And she does not pout when her partner doesn't say ‘I love you’ back. She's in a pissy mood at work for a completely unrelated reason. She's not returning your texts because she's busy at work, not because she's trying (and failing) to give you a taste of your own medicine.

She definitely doesn't carry that storm cloud all the way home with her, doesn't rain on your parade when you cheerfully announce that dinner's ready and on the table.

You're trying everything you can think of to cheer her up. Asking about work got you a noncommittal shrug. You'd offered to draw a bath for her - or (preferably) for the both of you, but she'd dismissed the idea, talking about how it would take up too much time.

She didn't have the heart to shrug you off when you started massaging her shoulders. Despite your silence in the morning, you were clearly intent on taking care of her. Maybe nothing was wrong. Maybe you just hadn't heard her.

Her palm presses against your cheek, turns you to face her. She searches your eyes for a moment, her gaze unreadable. "Thanks for dinner. I love you."

Nothing. Fucking nothing. "You're welcome."

Jill knows that look on your face, that shit-eating grin that you're trying to cover up by glancing down, by pretending to be flustered. Her hands grip your hips. She manhandles you into her lap, chair scraping against the floor to make room for the both of you.

"Okay - spill. What's up with you?"

Once you explain, she's not mad about the whole thing, not really. But you can't help but notice that she's been withholding kisses lately, and-- wait.

Fuck. Now she's turned the tables on you.

Leon Kennedy ↪

Keeps finding new and inventive ways to double back inside the house. He's not going to outright ask you what's up - that would make him look desperate, which he’s totally not. He’s definitely not concerned at all that you didn’t complete your morning ritual and send him out the door with an ‘I love you’. He’s a big boy - this isn’t high school, this is his very mature, very adult relationship.

Excuse number one: “Sorry, forgot my keys,” as he makes a show of dropping his keys out of his pocket, onto the living room floor. His eyes are on you when he reaches to grab them. Leon tosses them in his hand, making as much noise as he possibly can. “All right, love you.”

You hold strong. Still no ‘love you’ back. He’s gone for all of 60 seconds when he comes back with excuse number two: “Ah, damn, forgot my badge. I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached.”

His badge is attached to his belt. You can literally see it. When you point that out to him, he makes a show of being relieved, goes so far as to press a kiss to your temple, and says, “God, what would I do without you? Love ya. Have a good day.”

But you hold strong. Until excuse number three:

“Babe, have you seen my gun?”

You laugh, which only makes him laugh - and then he hits you with ‘no, seriously’ while he leans against the doorway, hip cocked. He’s got you figured out by now, knows that if he can make you laugh then you’re not doing this because you’re mad at him or anything. He can't even be mad when you explain it to him. He can only warn you:

"I'm gonna get you for this. Now, c'mon - say it."

Ada Wong ↪

I don't know why you would do this to her to be honest. She just said ‘I love you’. You should be marking your calendar and turning this into a holiday.

She doesn't say it often, at least not while you're conscious. Whether she presses her sentiments into your hair while you sleep against her, drooling against her collar bone, is up for debate. You have no hard evidence and she'll deny the allegations.

It simultaneously is and is not a big deal. She didn't say it because she craved the validation of having you repeat it to her. She said it because she meant it. There's so few concrete truths about herself that she can share with you, but that was one of them. Does it sting a little not to have it returned? Maybe.

She turns the moment over and over in her head, letting it haunt her. You had given her time, she thinks, why can't she give you yours? But your silence is a specter that tinges every moment. It creeps at the edges of every thought, it–

“Hey, you forgot your coffee.”

She turns to see you in the door of your apartment, hanging from the frame with one hand, her cup extended to her in the other. She clicks back to you in her stilettos, and your press a kiss to her cheek when she claims her drink. The guilt of it all ate at you before you could let her leave your sight. “Love you. Be safe.”

She'd spiraled before she even got down to the parking lot. Total loser in love.

[evieolo]

You should write a smut about reader being horny and shit and wants Chris’ attention but he tries to focus on something else but she starts touching on him and he gives in and finally lets her use him to get off or something like that!!(you can add some stuff)

please I love your writing so much please this would make my day!!!!~~~❤️🫶🤭

Get Yourself Off

Pairing: Chris Sturniolo x Fem!Reader

Contains: SMUT!!/Use of “whore” and “slut”/fingering/grinding/heavy teasing/No use of Y/N

Chris knew what he was doing. I knew he knew what he was doing. His touch lingered on me leaving shivers up my spine. His hands crept too far down my body every time he touched me. Every time he kissed me he pulled me in; one hand on my ass the other on my thigh. It was leaving me a needy mess.

And he was engrossed in editing a vlog.

I knock on his door lightly, entering the room before he responds. I’d been in and out of his space countless times unable to stay put in one room for over five minutes. It was kitchen, stairs, playing with the dog, checking my appearance in the bathroom mirror, then back to Chris. Over and over again.

I’d even contemplated taking a cold shower in Nick's room, but I didn’t want to weird him out. He knew I’d already taken a shower this morning. What was I supposed to say? “I’m extremely horny for your triplet brother and I need to chill the fuck out.” Yeah…no.

“Chris?” I call. He hums bluntly in response showing little interest. “Baby,” I whine, approaching his chair slowly. I feel bad taking him away from his work. The one time he’s not all over me I’m all over him. I justify my actions with his own; he had no reason to kiss me and grope my thighs this morning, or smack my ass when we were walking upstairs, or squeeze my tits and tell me they’re “so pretty” — this is his fault.

I rest my hands on his shoulders leaning my head against him. I feel my heart rate picking up. We’ve had sex before yet I still find it awkward to ask. Usually, Chris initiates any talk—a perk of his perceptiveness.

I peek over his shoulder to his laptop, he’s editing a solo video. Him unboxing Ransom merch. How much editing does one video need?

I run a hand through his hair feeling the growing heat between my legs. Chris takes a second to respond, “Do you want something?” He questions with a head tilt. From the tone of his voice, I can tell he’s frustrated, knowing he wants to work on his video, he promised his followers It’d be out tonight. Is it bad the sourness in his voice only turns me on further?

I weigh my options, concluding there is no good outcome without Chris being inside of me. “I need you,” I mumble faintly.

He tilts his head to the side slightly hinting he didn’t hear me. “What?” He questions. My cheeks flush red, I swallow my pride and cough out my words. “I need you,” I repeat more sternly.

Chris raises a brow, returning his focus to his laptop. “Last night wasn’t enough for you?” He starts, resuming the jamming of keys on his laptop. I groan, irked by his response. “That’s not fair.” I pout, “You were squeezing my tits like thirty minutes ago—you’ve been handsy with me all morning!”

Chris’ tone deepens. Finally turning his focus to me. “Maybe you’ve just been a needy slut all morning.”

I flush at his words but smile slightly knowing if he’s talking like this I’m going to get what I want.

“Chris…” I drawl letting my words trail off, “Please fuck me.”

He shuts his laptop off and stands, groaning loudly pushing me against his bed. “You’re such an attention whore, left you alone for two hours, and you're begging to be fucked.” He chides. His dirty talk only turns me on further.

I view the growing bulge, concealed by his sweats and smirk “It doesn’t look like I’m the only one begging to be fucked.” I counter. Chris’ eyebrows fur together. “Shut up.”

He presses two fingers to my lips. “Suck.” I don’t hesitate to draw his fingers into my mouth. He smirks widely when I wrap my tongue around his index. “So needy.” He almost laughs pulling his fingers out of my jaw slowly grazing them against my teeth as he does.

He wriggles his fingers, admiring the spit coating them. He’s so unserious it’s painful. “You want these inside of you.” He smirks. His voice rumbles against my neck, sending the vibrations straight to my sex. “Please just do something.” I plead.

He presses his hand beside my thighs, pushing me back to prop me against the headboard. His fingers push away the fabric of my panties.

He stares at me with lazy eyes teasing my hole with his fingers and grips my hips, pressing me down into the mattress. “So wet for me ma’.” I let out a loud moan as his fingers sink into my core. He lets two digits plunge into my walls, stretching me out but intentionally missing my G-spot.

“Chris, that's not fair,” I whine softly, the agonizing lack of friction in my pooling heat turning me into a wanting mess.

He curls his fingers once, slightly, but then completely stops any movement.

“Chris—please. Move.”

I know he’s teasing. His fingers are long but he won't sink them more than halfway in, drawing out the intense swelling of my heat.

He laughs ignoring the aching throbs between my thighs. “You’re going to get yourself off on my fingers.” He sterns.

What?

I pinch my eyes shut. “But—“ I try to protest. He cuts me off. “You're going to make yourself cum on my fingers or you're not going to cum tonight.” He barks, his fingers at a standstill inside of me.

“Chris please—” I gasp. He starts to retract his fingers, pulling them back slowly. I squirm slightly but Chris grips my hips deeply. “If you don’t start moving in the next twenty seconds I’m going back to my desk.” He grits.

I sigh and look at him. His eyes are half-lidded hinting that he’s serious. Jesus Christ.

I whine and start to rut against his fingers, bucking my hips against his hand. The tips of his fingers merely brush my gummy spot. I buck again trying to gain enough friction to draw an orgasm. It was no use. Every time his fingers would draw close to my gummy spot he’d pull them back slightly only letting his digits brush my sex.

“Chris I can’t!” I cry. He smiles at my desperate self and without warning twists his fingers inside me. I gasp out a moan. “Needy slut can’t go twenty-four hours without getting fucked.” He starts pumping his fingers in my cunt lazily, withdrawing them every time my face shows he’s giving me pleasure.

“Fuck!” I draw softly, needing him to move faster—knowing he’ll stop if I ask him to. I pinch my eyes shut trying to find pleasure in what he’s giving me. He won't put his fingers fully in my cunt, purposefully drawing them away from my G-spot.

“Chris I need to cum.” I cry “Please make m-me cum please.” He moves his left hand up and pinches my clit. I yelp in surprise, my hips mindlessly stuttering up. A tear slips from my cheeks and Chris grins, slowly pulling his fingers from my cunt. “Maybe I should stop teasing you you’re dripping down your fucking legs.” Chris rasps.

I nod frantically.

He pushes two fingers in one quick thrust plunging straight into my G-spot flicking my clit with his thumb. My moans fill the room as Chris hammers his fingers into me with rapid thrusts. “Yesyesyes.” I stammer, his thrusts knotting my words.

My insides feel meshed—my breaths come out in whiney pants. So close.

He circles my clit faster, pushing me over the edge. I whine loudly, lolling my head back. “Chris! Fuck!” I stammer with a whine, struggling to speak with his fingers pummeling into me.

“Cum for me ma’ I know you can.”

I moan his name as my walls release. My legs shaking with my crushing orgasm.

“Fuck ma’ you’re dreanched.” Chris laughs. He pulls his fingers from my slit, my legs continue to shake at his drawn stimulation. My chest heaves, seeing white from the waves of bliss washing over me. Chris strokes my head pressing a kiss to the corner of my lips.

“You can open your eyes now ma’.” He laughs, pulling his body level with mine. I hum wobbly in response, blinking my eyes open groggily to look up at him, “Didn’t realize they were closed,” I mumble sheepishly.

Chris pulls himself level with me, his hair hangs slightly over his eyes. He smiles at me. “You’re so cute.” He presses a kiss to my collarbone. “And so sexy.” He grins, pressing a kiss to my chest.

He sighs, laying his head on my chest slightly before meeting his eyes with mine.

“I’m telling my followers the reason my video isn’t out on time is your fault.” He jeers, brushing my hair off my clammy forehead with his thumb.

“It was worth it,” I mutter letting a yawn escape me. “I’ll clean you up, you can go to sleep.” Chris smiles, getting out of bed, presumably grabbing a towel from the bathroom.

“M’kay” I mutter, shutting my eyes. Seconds later my thighs are met with a warm towel, steamy water dulling the soreness between my legs.

“Mm Love you, Chris.”

“I love you too ma.”

[boysbeware2]

all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)

please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read

disposable girl (jordyn)

(old)

i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL

(new)

man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..

irreverent girl (kairi)

(old)

I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.

(new)

When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents

splitter girl (tahira)

(old)

theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe

(new)

getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^

fainéant girl (freyja)

(old)

i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make

(new)

my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me

caliber girl (nora)

(old)

唉～It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…

(new)

My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml

chocolate box girl (morgan)

(old)

i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this

(new)

girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!

taxidermy girl (mayra)

(old)

I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over

(new)

Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on

chemical girl (joy)

(old)

LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right

(new)

i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon

refraction girl (nataana)

(old)

i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better

(new)

talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that

nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)

(old)

I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.

(new)

I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!

[luvvyouforever]

Hello, could I request Stardew Valley Sam relationship headcanons with a female reader? Sfw and nsfw, please and thank you!

absolutely! <3

sdv sam boyfriend headcanons ౨ৎ

content: fluff, cheesy things, nicknames, cuddling, overstimulation, dom/sub mention, nudes, praise, fantasies. author's note: i've never actually romanced or married sam in sdv but i did research for this so i hope it's somewhat accurate hehe

sfw:

-loves doing cheesy stuff with you! like if you see any internet couple trend you wanna do, he would jump at the opportunity to do with you!! is just totally not afraid to show his love for you, even if it can be a little corny at times.

-he probably calls you "babe" and "baby" a lot! they're easy pet names that roll of his tongue easily. tbh, he probably uses them more than your actual name! if he's addressing you all flirtatiously, he uses "cutie." i think he also likes coming up with a very special nickname for you that comes from an inside joke.

-will totally write and dedicate songs to you, are you kidding me?? and oh my god he's so cute and cheesy with it too. like, when you guys have just started to flirt and get closer to each other, you're hanging out at sunset on the pier or he's watching you excitedly play video games on his bedroom floor and he looks at you all puppy-eyed and says, "i could write a song about you." and it becomes a phrase he uses for those extra special moments in life.

-loves watching you support him and his band. seeks you out in the crowd, points to you, and makes eye contact with you through the whole show. pleaseee make a t-shirt with the band name on it and wear it around him. he's never been more in love.

-when he's working at joja, he's totally the kind to have you come over and just hang around him while he's at work. does morris find it incredibly annoying that the farmer trying to put him out of business is distracting one of his only workers? yes, but are you gonna stop? no, your bf needs company!

-speaking of keeping him company, his love language is def quality time. feels so loved when you just want to spend time with him, regardless of what you're doing. he's so happy just to have you in his room while he's playing games or playing the guitar and you can work on whatever you'd like! just loves your presence and really values it.

-would also be incredibly happy if you got along with abigail and sebastian. those are his best friends and bandmates! he invites you to their practices and hang outs and he feels his heart grow a little wider when you're laughing with everyone like you've been there the whole time.

-likes doing things around the farm with you! he might not be the best at some of the chores (aka he once pulled up an entire patch of carrots thinking they were ready to be harvested...they were not), but he's gonna offer to help anyway! maybe give him the job of petting all your cows and pigs and chickens, or collecting the honey from your beehives.

-learns your favorite song on guitar and plays it for you when you've been having a bad day. he's so sweet.

-is such a cuddle bug. before he moves into the farmhouse, he always sadly leaves you at night and looks back at you with a pout on his face the whole walk home. you laugh at his antics from the porch, but really, you get the best sleep when you both are a tangled mess of limbs with the blankets folded beyond recognition.

-he is such a typical skater bf. tries to teach you to skateboard and holds your arms really steady as he pulls you along the sidewalk outside of his house. he's so encouraging and keeps telling you, "look! you're doing it! you're doing so good!" if you fell, he would ask if you're okay and if there's no injuries, he will let out a little giggle.

-he really wants to support you when you go into the mines. even goes as far as offering to come with you! he lasts through the slimes and the flying bug things, but the minute he sees the ghosts and the skeletons and the golems, he's finding the next elevator and leaving immediately. shouts "you got this babe!" from the top of the cave.

-loves putting you in and see you in his clothes. if it's cold, he likes wrapping you up in his jacket. if you're sleeping over, will not hesitate to offer one of his shirts to wear. if you're in the saloon watching him play pool, he offers you his denim jacket to wear. it's not really a possessive thing, but more so a "ohmygodyoulooksocute" thing.

-gets cuteness aggression with you, tbh. like when you've woken up in the morning engulfed in oversized hoodies and sweatpants with a tired pout on your lips, he just wants to bite you and squeeze you.

-forgets everything. poor baby. like his memory is just awful and he won't forget the chords to your favorite song or how to do a trick on the skateboard that impressed you early on, but he will forget to set out food to thaw for dinner and he will forget to put the newest batches of wine into the shipping box.

-really finds your connection with his family to be incredibly important. like he would be okay if you didn't click well with his friends, but if you weren't playing with vincent on the living room floor or helping jodi wash the dishes after dinner, he would be a little more than turned off.

-if you're the type of person to mess with lewis and steal his purple shorts and use them in every event, he's right behind you. giggles when the only thing you've brought for the showcase is his shorts and even stalls him while you place them in the box. loves getting all the town gossip from you too!

-sam just really wants to be with someone who appreciates his presence, who is willing to be a part of his life, and someone he can have a lot of fun with. he just loves loving you and he makes sure you know that too.

nsfw:

-i don't think sam's got a lot of experience tbh. i don't think he's entirely new to the concept of sex, as in i don't think he's a virgin, but he's just on the younger side in a small town where everybody knows everybody!

-that's not to say that he doesn't know what he's doing with you. in a more modern stardew valley world, he's likely consumed at least some kind of pornography (probably in normal sdv too, idk what they get up to at nightime), and also knows what gets him going.

-he's also a quick learner and adaptable. if you don't like something he's doing, he wants you to guide him to where you want him. once you've taught it to him once, it becomes second nature after that.

-is really allllll about pleasure during sex. he can't really put up with teasing or edging too long because damn it, let the man make you feel good! would much prefer to overstimulate both you and himself than deny both of your pleasures.

-in fact, he actually thinks overstimulation is hot both for you and him. you'd have to tug him off of you because he just never wants you to stop feeling good. he thinks seeing your scrunched up face and hearing your intense moans is soooo hot. as for him, he loves when you keep touching him even after he's came. whether it's with your hand or mouth or pussy, he doesn't care. he loves the way it feels.

-is such a sucker for lingerie. when he's not with you in bed and really needs to jerk off, he imagines stripping you down, starting with your pants, then moving to his band t-shirt that he throws to the side, revealing the prettiest, lacy set underneath that makes his mouth water.

-definitely fucks to music and even makes a CD to play while you guys are having sex. it's a combination of songs he loves, songs that fit the mood, and songs you love. he just likes having the background noise accompanying your moans.

-can really either be more dominant or more submissive. i see him as a very sweet, soft dom though. he's calling you all kinds of cute names and adorning your body with a billion kisses and encouraging you to cum for him or to cum another time and then he's caressing your body really gently while he slides in. as for being submissive, he just thinks there's something so hot about a strong woman taking lead. he'll listen to you like a puppy and thrives on praise.

-speaking of praise, the man lives and breathes it. tell him how good he's doing, let him know that you're feeling fucking amazing. in turn, he'll spill compliment after compliment, so many, in fact, that you have to tell him to hush.

-kinda thinks the thrill of you and him fucking in his bedroom is so hot. it's late at night, the rest of the house is definitely asleep, but you're giggling and sneaking in through the window and kissing him so his moans are subdued.

-i think sam really needs to be with someone who thinks hands/fingers are hot, can i say that? like the man plays guitar so his fingers are long and slender and i feel like he's got these nice veins that pop out when he plays, and he blushes when you can't stop staring at them, imagining all the things those hands could be doing right then.

-regardless of whether he's feeling more dominant or submissive, he's so incredibly needy. when he's in the mood, he's touching you all over from the minute the both of you are home to the minute you fall asleep after having sex. he's whispering pleases and giving you these big puppy dog eyes. he's all pouty when you have to get him to stop touching you, like when he's at work or when you're at the saloon.

-if you imagine a modern sdv with phones, he's such a sucker for nudes. before he moves in, when you're in separate bedrooms, you'll surprise him with a pic of you in his t-shirt lifted up to show what's underneath. he responds within seconds, telling you how pretty you are. it just grows from there. he's soooo the kind of guy to send you videos of him touching himself. and cumming too.

-really loves you riding him i think. he's a boob guy and likes having them right there in front of his face. he's running his hands all over you and groping you and throwing his head into your chest. i think he's also down to try 69ing. both of you get pleasure while also giving pleasure??? he's all for it.

-before you actually make a move and have sex with him, he's all about sloppy makeouts in his bed. you've snuck into his room after jodi went to bed and he has you perched in his lap, making out to some kind of soft rock music.

-is such a sucker for hickies too. while he does try to hide them the day after, he just love seeing your handiwork in the mirror the morning after. he gets needy again seeing the huge purple and red splotches on his neck and touches them while reminding himself how he got them. would send you a picture too with a winky face and a cheeky comment hehe.

-i think he has a lot of fantasies in his head. like he adores you for how you are, but when he's by himself, he's imagining these scenarios like rockstar x fan backstage or, dare i say, professor x student (w you as the professor of course). he'll be so ashamed to admit these out loud, but once you encourage him enough, he gets so excited and makes it an entire production.

hope you enjoyed! (i might need to romance sam on my next farm)

[shotmrmiller]

this is for you, @ttsbaby01

here's the piece that inspired this

1.5k words because who knew i needed to write something like this today. i kinda edited it, just a quick skim, though.

simon x f!reader,

tw: explicit smut, p in v, the usual, MDNI

Simon teaches Johnny some new tricks

The moment Simon saw you wince when Johnny pushed himself inside of you, that was all he needed to see. Incredible. For someone that brilliant, Johnny is obtuse when it comes to sex.

Maybe he's blinded by lust, who knows, but Simon almost grimaces at the pace he starts off with, and when he sees you flatten your feet on the bed to meet Johnny's thrusts, Johnny simply pins you down with his weight, forcing you still.

Poor you. All you wanted was to come, and Johnny couldn't even tell, too focused on pistoning his hips into you to meet his own end.

How greedy.

And when Johnny does come, Simon chuckles when he sees your face. It’s mildly disappointed but unsurprised— like you’re used to it.

He watches Johnny kiss you before he pulls out and immediately gets up to shower. That's his cue— the sorry excuse of a show is over. Simon's about to shut his laptop when he sees your hand slowly travel down to your aching pussy and circle your neglected clit with your fingers. Oh?

When he hears your pleasured moan again, he sits up on his chair, pupils expanding as he takes you in. Now this is what he wants to see.

Every delicious whimper and mewl that slithers out of your throat makes his cock twitch in his trousers. He can't help himself. Simon takes himself out and starts to pump according to the rhythm you've set.

Oh, you take it slow, sensual, for a bit, and then pick up the pace. Your moans start to get a little louder as you circle faster and press much smaller fingers into your abused cunt. He knows that his one finger could stuff you better than two of yours.

He knows that he could pull those sweet sounds out of you with his tongue flicking your clit, his stubble scraping your inner thighs raw, his fingers curling inside to find the rough patch of skin on your slick walls.

His eyes are shut as he squeezes himself, precum dribbling onto his knuckles, and when he hears you climax— airy, high-pitched moans that's a bloody symphony to his ears— he also comes. Simon spills all over his hand and stomach, seed sticking to his happy trail, and he couldn't give a fuck less. You're the best thing he's heard in a very long time, and he's debating replacing the classical music he usually listens to at work with your voice.

Simon languidly opens his eyes to look at you on his screen, and the fucked-out, blissful look on your face is something that'll be engrained in his head forever.

He watches Johnny step out of the bathroom with a towel around his trim waist and lowers himself onto the bed to kiss you.

Simon shakes his head, and with his clean hand shuts the laptop. It seems he's gotta teach Johnny how to treat his girl right.

--

"How was it, LT?" Johnny gloats.

Sighing, Simon pulls him into his office and takes out his personal laptop. "You tell me, Sergeant."

Johnny looks gutted when the video gets to Simon's favorite part.

"Yer jokin'." He sounds miserable, and Simon would feel bad if Johnny hadn't been a braggart about how he fucked you in the beginning.

"'Fraid not' Johnny. I gotta admit, I didn't take ya to be tha' selfish."

Johnny opens his mouth to defend himself when Simon silences him with a swipe of his gloved hand. "I can help ya, though. Let me teach ya how t'please her so tha' this embarrassment doesn't happen again, yeah?"

Johnny's eyes, colour a mix of sea and sky, shine brightly as he looks up at Simon. "Are ye serious?"

"Wouldn't offer if I wasn't."

Simon clenches his jaw painfully tight when Johnny agrees.

Only once Simon stands alone in his office does he let his emotions show. The sound of his fist hitting the desk fills the room, first with one resounding thump, then with another, leaving his knuckles throbbing. He's going to bloody ruin you.

Maybe Johnny will be willing to share you after all of this is said and done.

--

Johnny came to him later that day, letting him know that you had also agreed, but no mask at home. You won't sleep with someone whose face you can't see.

Simon almost took his mask off in exhilaration on the spot.

--

Simon has your legs propped on the edge of the bed as he lapped at your sopping cunt.

"Johnny, ya gotta focus here," he pointed his tongue and circled it around your swollen clit, making your back arch, and Johnny has to tighten his hold on you. He sat behind you, your back to his chest, his arms around you as he looked over your sweaty shoulder to watch Simon eat like a man starved.

"And gently curl your fingers inside, you're looking for..." he paused, the tendons in the middle of his wrist fluttering as he prodded until you were squealing, dripping slick down his hand. "That. You're looking for her sweet spot," he instructed.

Simon keeps rubbing your walls, and every movement has the obscene squelching of your drenched cunt getting noisier. "She's about t'come, I can feel her startin' to squeeze my fingers. Look at her, Johnny. That's the face ya wanna see," and then he turns his attention to you. "Come f'me, pet, let me hear ya."

He encircles your clit with his lips and sucks, and you shatter in Johnny's arms— head thrown back onto his shoulder, trembling violently, loudly dry sobbing at the toe-curling ecstasy that's searing through your veins, stealing the very oxygen in your lungs. Simon doesn't stop thrusting his fingers, prolonging your pleasure, taking every bit of it for himself. It's the only time he'll be selfish.

Your head is clouded with arousal, numb from pleasure, and you can vaguely feel yourself being laid flat on the bed, limp legs hooked over shoulders, feet resting on a strong back— muscles rippling with each movement.

There's a buzzing sound in your ears, and you can see Johnny's lips moving, talking to you, and then he's stepping away. You lazily turn your head to the side, and watch Johnny kneel by the side of the bed, gaze intense as he looks towards where Simon is. Then there's something hot, heavy, and thick pressing into your entrance, splitting you open, sensitive walls stinging at the stretch, and it goes deep, and even deeper still— it seems never-ending until there's a pinch in your lower stomach.

"Atta girl, love." Simon grips your jaw with one hand, and commands, "Eyes on Johnny, sweetheart. Let him see ya and let me hear ya."

And starts to pump his hips. The depths that he's in are devastating, it feels like he's rearranging your insides, which is strange because Johnny's got a monster in his pants as well, but this.

This is different.

You're so sensitive from your prior orgasm that it feels so much more intense, and you can't even try to hold back the keens that are being wrenched from you. Your vision is blurry with tears from overstimulation, but you keep your gaze on Johnny, and he looks painfully aroused. His cheeks are bright pink, his mouth slightly open as he pants, eyes molten as he looks at your cunt swallowing up someone else's cock.

God, he's so pretty.

You're brought out of your musings when Simon places a pillow underneath you, lifting your hips and changing the angle.

The way Simon fills you to the brim with his cock, pushing you to, if not past, your limit is just plain disrespectful.

And then he grabs your legs by the ankles, your thighs touching your chest, folding you in half like a napkin to start thrusting shallowly— the tip of his head gently jabbing into your g-spot.

Your head goes blank, vision white, and your mouth opens into a silent scream, or maybe not so silent, who knows who cares.

Simon thrusts 4 times before that coil in your stomach snaps like a pencil. Your cunt clamps down on him like a vice, unwilling to let him move, but he only grunts and starts to slam his hips into your soft arse— spine rattling from the strength of him. He unrelentingly fucks you through your climax, hips never losing their rhythm.

He's bottoming out now, and you swear you can feel him in your throat, and he starts to pound into your used cunt. When you hiss from how tender you feel, Johnny cups your cheek and leans in to give you a soul-stealing kiss. It's sloppy, you can hear the slick sounds your mouths make, and when you moan into him, Simon's thrusts turn sloppy, choppy. Then he pulls out with a loud snarl to spurt thick, viscous cum directly over your puffy slit, coating your mons with it too— only to push himself back inside, head dripping with his seed, and slowly thrusts until he's overstimulated.

Simon gently lowers your legs back onto the bed, and you groan at the ache when you feel your blood rushing back to them.

"Fuck me," you mumble tiredly, and Johnny chuckles in response.

"Simon already did tha', bonnie." Johnny presses a kiss to your sweaty forehead and looks at Simon.

"I now ken what ye mean, LT. This was a different beast altogether."

You huff out a laugh because beast indeed.

Jesus.

[bigfootsboytoy]

Part two of this story, where Robin discovers Steve’s type. A lot of people seemed interested in more, so here you go! 

The conversation doesn’t go quite the way Robin is expecting it. She’s fully prepared for Steve to launch into saying how confused he is because he’s feeling weird pants feelings for Eddie, but how does that work because he likes girls? She’s been mentally preparing herself for that exact discussion since she watched Eddie Munson call her best friend ‘Big Boy’ in the middle of committing grand theft auto. So when Steve starts talking, curled up on the gross linoleum tile of Family Video, she’s taken by surprise. She doesn’t even get the chance to answer his question before he’s throwing her prepared speech out the metaphorical window. 

“That’s stupid, you already told me that. Sharon Parker in the 5th grade, holding hands for Red Rover, blah blah blah, I know that. But like…Have you ever acted different around a girl, and then one day, you realize it’s because you like her? Like, you had a crush on a girl without even realizing it? Does that make any sense?” 

It takes Robin a second to reboot, but the second she manages, Steve throws her even further off track. 

“It’s just, Tommy H came by the other day, and he said some stuff that really has me thinking and-” 

Robin can’t stop herself. As soon as she hears a name other than Eddie Munson, she has a hand out covering Steve’s mouth. He gives her a look, surprised and confused. Maybe a little annoyed. She valiantly ignores him because what he just said has her head spinning, and she needs to put a stop to it right now. 

“Steve. My best friend in the whole universe. I’m here for whatever you need and whatever you might be figuring out about yourself. You know I’m going to support you 100% no matter what happens but…Please. PLEASE tell me that you didn’t just discover you have a crush on TOMMY H! He isn’t even your type, Steve! He isn’t even in the ballpark of your type! He’s so far off it’s honestly kind of laughable and-” 

Now it’s Steve who puts a hand over her mouth. 

“Jesus, Robin! First of all, gross. I’m not into Tommy, okay? Never gonna happen, not in a million years. And second, what the hell do you mean ‘my type?’ What the hell would you know about my type?” 

Robin carefully removes his hand from her face and shakes her head. She has absolutely no clue where this conversation is going, but there’s still a chance it can work its way somewhere good. Somewhere Munson-related. And she owes it to Steve to listen to his crisis properly. 

“Nevermind, forget that. What happened with Tommy?” 

“Okay well, he came over, like I said. He was super wasted, and I guess he and Carol broke up? And he started talking about when we were friends, and how he always used to try and get closer to me. He said he almost asked me if I wanted to practice kissing once? And he talked about like, trying to touch me all the time, trying to make me laugh? Basically saying he had a crush on me, which was super weird.” 

Robin nodded, because really, she had no idea what to say to that. 

“And then he kissed me. Which was kind of gross because he tasted like whisky and he was being all sloppy, like he wanted to eat my face. But…” 

“But?” 

“It wasn’t as gross as I would have expected I guess.” 

“I thought you said you didn’t like him!” 

“I don’t! It just, wasn’t a totally horrible kiss okay? Only a little horrible.” 

Robin sighed and let her head tip back against the wall. 

“Okay, I’m not seeing your dilemma yet. Tommy liking you and kissing you is kind of weird sure, but it doesn’t change anything about you.” 

Steve’s eyebrows furrowed, and he let out a puff of air. He looked small in this bathroom, scared in a way that Robin hated. They had faced down monsters, torture, long shifts with Keith. A conversation with his best friend should never have Steve looking that afraid, ever. 

She reached out and took his hand in her, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

“Hey, it’s okay Steve. Tell me what’s going on in that head.” 

“It’s just…Some of what Tommy said. About how he tried to get closer to me, to touch me and make me laugh and shit? I guess I realized that I’m doing that stuff. With somebody else. And if Tommy did it because he liked me then…” 

“You think it might mean you like this person. This…guy?” 

“Yeah. This guy.” 

There it was, the Eddie Munson of it all. Because Robin only knew of one guy that Steve spent his time with and would be trying to be touchy and close with. She had watched it happen with her own eyes, the way Steve would look for reasons to lean past Eddie, to put a hand on his shoulder, his back, once getting brave and putting a hand on his waist. She’d watched Eddie do the exact same things around Steve, too.

Part of her almost just comes out and tells Steve, that she knows who he’s talking about. Except he still looks unsure. He looks like he wants to throw up a little, and Robin has to fix that. 

“You know it’s okay right? For you to like this guy?” 

“I know. It’s just weird, to realize I might like him that way. Normally I can figure out when I’m into someone.” 

“Well, normally you aren’t friends with the people you’re into first. That makes it confusing.” 

“And I’m normally into people with boobies.” 

“That too.” 

Steve lets out a tiny laugh, and it makes Robin beam. Something about Steve is lighter now, like somethings been lifted off his chest, something that’s been there for a really long time without him knowing. She wants to tell him how much she’s loves him. How much she cares about him and supports him. She wants to tell him about all her research, and fully explain to him her findings when it comes to ‘his type.’ 

She wants to tell him that she knows the guy he likes is Eddie. That she thinks Eddie might like him too. 

The ‘ring for service’ bell ruins her chance at saying any of it. 

She and Steve both clamber off the floor, adjusting their vests before exiting the bathroom to greet whoever keeps ringing the stupid bell over and over again. Robin can’t decide if it’s the best luck in the world, or the worst, when it’s Eddie Munson himself standing at the counter. 

She leans towards best luck when she sees the way Steve’s cheeks go red.

A few people asked to be tagged if I did a part 2, so hopefully I do that right! I’ve got a few more parts planned, so if anybody else wants to be tagged let me know and I’ll do my best!

@kaiscove​ @wolfstarlights​  @awkwardgravity1​ @anonymousbandgirl​  @f1ct1onwh0re

[mcondance]

listen…hear me out…i’m imagining stu falling for a real sweet girl but this girl is like yuck i know your reputation playboy and since he’s obsessed with the chase he’s really gunning for it maybe even calling her as ghostface, getting her scared just so stu can swoop in and be like awh poor baby here i’ll keep you safe <3 big mean ghostface can’t get ya when im around

we should form a collaboration. (this got so long anon. i blame you. 18+) this idea has my brain turning like it gets him going so bad to scare you and then be able to come back and be your savior. it appeases the side of him that likes the chase, and the side of him that likes being in control. i think they’re both linked to his need for dominance and his sadistic nature so this is a win win for him.

you know him through sidney’s boyfriend billy, but you’ve never said more than a couple of words to each other outside of the friend group. aware of his reputation, your answer to his question is easy.

you tell him no, that you wouldn’t touch him with a 3-and-a-half foot pole. (he responds in typical stu fashion. he slaps a hand over his chest, expressing how hurt he is by your rejection, a knowing smile etching across his face.)

and so begins the chase. you turn him down over and over again, inviting sidney to the dates he asks you on, saying that the movie he wants to see with you just isn’t your taste— even if he knows he heard you talking to sid about how you wanted to see it just the week before, stupid little excuses to avoid everything he asks you.

he doesn’t mind. your rejections of his advances let him feel the way he does when he’s shrouded in that fearful black cloak, coming up with more and more ways to get you.

he keeps his distance— ghostface, that is. stu doesn’t want to scare you yet. with occasional phone calls that he directs to more people than just you, he lets you off easy, makes it seem like it’s just random.

but he’s getting a little anxious, and he’s always been impatient. he wants you.

billy and sidney are out of town for the weekend. and you’re terrified, more and more people close to you have been turning up dead. you resort to asking stu to stay with you for the weekend.

if he gets you to fuck him while he’s “protecting” you from ghostface? god he’d feel so good. he never forgets his alter ego, the slasher that terrifies your sleepy little town, but playing as your loving, caring little “friend” is fun too. he thinks you’re kinda stupid, to let him stay over at your house under the guise of keeping you safe.

you’d changed into your house clothes when you both got to your house, telling him not to touch anything while you were gone. when you came out he was in a t shirt and shorts, and he looked awfully good.

you’d let him have some of your snacks, throwing a bag of hot chips at him and perching on the other end of the living room sofa. you’d turned on some long ass video essay, and he actually found it sort of interesting, quizzing you on what certain stuff meant before you got tired and wanted to sleep.

he thinks, maybe you do have a thing for him. why else would you let a freak like him stay over? whatever the case may be, he’s here. in your pretty pink and white bedroom, he almost scoffs at the softness of it all.

“‘s cute.”

“yeah. i put blankets and shit on the couch. you sleep there.”

his lanky body barely fits on the small chair, but he knows he won’t be there too long, so he doesn’t complain.

the blanket you gave him smells like you, and he basks in it. your room is silent, for a while. in the darkness, your mind gets to you and you’re so scared even with stu right there.

“stu,” you whisper.

“yeah?”

“can you come sleep over here? i’m scared.”

there it is.

“yeah, ‘f course.” he feigns genuine sympathy, though you’re smarter than that and no matter how hard he tries, there’s always a sliver of depravity peeking through his words.

you scoot from the middle of your bed to the one side, lifting the covers up to let stu take the other side. too terrified to even get smart with him, you welcome him into your bed.

what a terrible mistake you’ve made.

in the light streaming through your windows, he looks gorgeous, blue eyes gazing softly at your worried expression.

“hey,” he starts, reaching out to rest his hand on your shoulder. you don’t shrink away. you’re frozen. “i got you. promise i’ll keep you safe.”

he’s full of shit. but it works.

“can you just. . just hold me. don’t make it weird.” you scoot closer to him.

“i won’t. come ‘ere.”

shifting, you move until your back is pressed to his front. he wraps his arms around you, cradling you and your fragile psyche in the palm of his hand.

“d’you think he’ll try and come for me?” you ask him.

“i dunno. but i promise i’ll do everything i can t’keep you safe.”

god, he impresses himself sometimes.

“thank you.” you whisper, the words stuck in your throat.

“no problem.” you can feel him looking at you, can see him out of the corner of your eye.

with his arms wrapped around you, all the feelings you’ve gained for him over the past weeks come to a head. he’s warm behind you, and he’s holding you just tight enough.

you twist around to where you can see him, and if you were standing your knees would have buckled from his gaze.

“if i let you kiss me, would you promise not to make it weird?”

“promise.”

“okay,” you breathe. and you kiss him.

what a terrible, terrible mistake you’ve made.

it all goes so fast from there. one kiss turns into many and you’re turning around so you can face him all the way.

he’s got you on your back and his hand down your shorts before you know it. his lithe fingers toy with you, his mouth swallows every single one of your sounds, his body provides you comfort, a distraction from the murderer desecrating your safe town.

you come for him. you make a mess on his fingers, the ones he knows are soaked with blood. he could almost shout from how elated he is to have you wrapped around his fingers.

over you he moves, pulled by his collar on top of you and to your lips again. he wants to be smug about it, to note the lack of 3-and-a-half feet between you two, but he doesn’t.

instead, he kisses you like a normal boy would kiss a girl he liked. instead, he professes his protection when you make him promise again.

instead, he kisses you through the stretch of him entering you. “‘s okay, you got it. doin’ so good.” he could blow his load now, at the sight of you in pain and pleasure, at the sound of your hisses and deep breathes.

he slides home. inches deep inside you and even farther in your mind, he fucks both. he’s done this before, fucked a girl in a show of devotion that she’ll fawn over, a false bridge of vulnerability that he inwardly laughs at. it brings him satisfaction he can only get one other way.

you feel safe. safe as he pushes his hips against yours, his cock kissing and sliding against every electric spot inside you. his hand is warm on your cheek, cupping your face and the other is firm on your hip. you whine with each rock into you, body tingling, ears prickling as he groans in your ear. sounds he’s only ever heard on the other end of the phone.

with slow, calculated moves he makes you come again, and god it feels good. in the back of your mind you’re embarrassed, cause all it took was being afraid for your life and stu got you where you know he wanted you.

but stu’s been in this situation enough times to know what comes next, and how to prevent it. it’s easy, kissing you before you have the chance to keep thinking and fucking you to another orgasm.

it happens again the next night. battered and paranoid, you’re being played into his arms and you don’t even know it. you’re embarrassed about it, but in your clouded mind it feels genuine. it feels like stu really cares. at first it didn’t, but now that he’s still coming around even after he got you in bed, maybe he does care.

sidney comes home and stu goes back to his and billy's place. you think you can calm down with sidney back and stu and billy coming over occasionally. you let stu stay the night in your room sometimes, and he gets what he wants from you again.

your neighbor's killed. what the fuck, when will this end? this time, stu comes over, and he stays. you can't sleep a night without him. you think you're being targeted. the only time you feel peace is when stu's fucking your mind away. you’re reliant on him. in his absence all you feel is fear.

the phone calls continue, and stu’s there to answer them, telling whoever’s on the other end to go fuck themself. again, he plays you into his arms. “don’t think about him. think about me.” he tells you, guiding your face from the phone beside your bed to his, and he lets you close the gap. he likes letting you make the first move. it fills him with pride at his psychotic deception, the way he’s turned you into exactly what you said you’d never be.

he thinks about sneaking out to don the cloak, showing up at your doorstep just to see the horror in your eyes. he resigns to dialing your number when you’re out, calling you and listening to your voice as you realize who’s on the other line. he follows you out sometimes and watches your paranoid moves, blood coursing hot through his body every time you look over your shoulder.

at your house, he comforts you when you crumple into his arms, suggests that maybe, you shouldn’t go anywhere without him. you accept.

god, what have you become. if you’re not full of stu then you’re full of terror, and he takes pleasure being the bearer of both of these things. you belong to him, your thoughts, your body, your feelings, it all belongs to him.

he loves to hear you go over his and billy’s crimes over and over again, lives for the disgust and fear in your voice when you recount the murders. he could probably get off to it, to your sad little words. and at night, he revels in being the only one that can make you feel okay.

you’ve become the perfect victim, and he didn’t even have to flash his knife. maybe he’ll keep you around.

[thewadapan]

So why did Transformers One bomb?

Look, I'm just going to say it right off the bat: no, Transformers One is not the best Transformers movie of all time. I am (gritting my teeth) very happy for every single Transformers fan except me, who all seem to have liked it, and most of whom seem to have loved it. I agree that, as a production, it meets some baseline level of technical competence. It's a perfectly fine movie.

It's also the worst-performing Transformers movie Paramount has ever made.

Hopefully, now that its theatrical run has unceremoniously ended, people aren't going to try to rip me to shreds for theoretically threatening this multi-million-dollar film's box office revenue some miniscule amount by sharing a few teensy weensy complaints with my fifty followers.

Because I do just have a few little nitpicks, which I've tried my best to communicate, over the next 17,000 words of this post.

If you're not a Transformers fan, sorry, this essay is mostly written with the assumption that you've seen Transformers One. However, it might still be of some interest as a window into the current state of the franchise. I've written a basic plot summary of the movie to bring you up to speed, in that case. Because Transformers One purports to be the perfect introduction to the story, no homework needed, I've also done you the courtesy of elucidating background context as needed—think of this less as a review, and more as a history lesson, or maybe a "lore explained" YouTube video. After all, that's pretty much all that Transformers One is.

(And if farcically long posts aren't really your thing, you might prefer to listen to the special episode of Our Worlds are in Danger where my pals and I chatted about the film. Many of the hottest takes and silliest bits in this essay are shamelessly stolen from Jo and Umar.)

We've been waiting for Transformers One for a very long time. It's the first animated Transformers film to get a theatrical release since The Transformers: The Movie came out in 1986. It first entered development around a decade ago. Many fandom members I know online got to see it as far back as June. Its US premiere was in September; those of us in the UK had to wait a full extra month before seeing it, for no clear reason. This is a film which purports to show, in broad strokes, for the first time on the big screen, the origin of the Transformers: where they come from, who they are, and why they're fighting.

By the end of its runtime, Transformers One does not actually answer these questions. Don't get me wrong, it takes great pains trying to answer a lot of different, related questions—just ones which nobody was really asking in the first place: What does the word "Autobots" mean, if not "automobile robots"? What does the word "Decepticons" mean, if they're not actually deceitful? Why is he called "Optimus Prime"? Why is he called "Megatron"? If they were friends, why did they fall out? Why does Starscream sound Like That? Where does Energon come from? If "Prime" is a title, what were the other Primes like? How do Transformers transform?

Writer Eric Pearson, coming onto the project as an outsider to Transformers, describes having to go to Hasbro to ask these kinds of questions:

they had a script that outlined the story that they wanted to tell. I knew Optimus Prime and Megatron and I knew Bumblebee as well, or B. I had to ask about some of the other deeper ones, the mythology, “what exactly is the Matrix of Leadership?” Stuff like that.

See, Hasbro does in fact have the answers written down somewhere. The story as I understand it goes something like this. During the wild west of the '80s and '90s, Transformers "canon" was largely a by-the-seat-of-your-pants consensus-based affair between the freelance writers and copywriters the toy company would bring on to advertise their toys. That changed around the turn of the millennium, when late later-CEO Brian Goldner saw how Hasbro's licensed IP lines (such as Star Wars) were more financially successful and realised they could make more money by aggressively promoting their own in-house IP, which they didn't have to pay licensing fees for. (For the curious, a similar thought process at rival toy company Lego was what led to their creation of BIONICLE.)

The guy basically singlehandedly managing the Transformers brand at the time, Aaron Archer, eventually set to reconciling all the self-contradictory lore surrounding Transformers, an endeavour which dovetailed into the creation of the HasLab internal think-tank (best known for Battleship, the 2012 store-brand Michael Bay knockoff which was a failure critically and commercially but not in my heart) and ultimately the creation of the so-called "Binder of Revelation", an internal story bible which cost over $250,000 to produce and has strongly influenced nigh on every piece of Transformers media released since, but which we hadn't actually seen until it got leaked a week ago. As it turns out, the document itself (compiled mostly by marketers and toy designers) is patently useless to any writer: it's a typo-ridden internally-inconsistent wishy-washy mess that mostly describes the characters in terms of a made-up form of Transformers astrology that has otherwise never seen the light of day.

So although the Binder is the baseline story bible for most modern Transformers media, its influence isn't direct per se; it's more accurate to describe it as being an elaborate game of telephone between high-profile cartoons, comics, and other internal documents, with the Binder itself apparently just sitting in a drawer somewhere at Hasbro; Eric Pearson says that he never received a "binder", with the "script" he mentions either being the earlier draft from Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari (the guys who originally pitched the story), or some other unseen internal document. Director Josh Cooley, however, definitely seems to have been physically handed the Binder or its mass-market adaptation:

I knew that there was a lot of origin to be told, and when I first started, [Hasbro] gave me the Transformers Bible. I could not believe how big it was. I was like, "This is way more than I ever anticipated."

When trailers first dropped for Transformers One, a lot of my friends who are savvy were immediately like: "Oh, this is a weirdly faithful adaptation of the Binder of Revelation, huh."

I. The One True Origin of the Transformers

Half of the people reading this are Transformers fans, and half of you literally could not give less of a shit about Transformers, so if you're in the 'former group (so to speak), you'll just have to bear with me while I bring the rest of us up to speed.

Before the Transformers' civil war begins, Cybertron is being oppressed by the Quintessons. The Quintessons are a race of five-faced aliens (as in, not Transformers), who execute everyone they come across, first introduced in The Transformers: The Movie, presiding over a kangaroo court on a castaway world. In the followup cartoon five-parter "Five Faces of Darkness", writer Flint Dille established that, gasp, they were actually the original creators of the Transformers! But basically nobody else at the time was particularly compelled by this idea, it seems, with most fans preferring the more mythological origin story conceived by Bri'ish writer Simon Furman for the Marvel comics. I think people kind of just didn't like to think of the Transformers as being robots—mass-produced, a fabrication, programmed—as opposed to an alien race of thinking, feeling beings like us. But because the cartoon was important to many kids, a lot of early-2000s media tried to reconcile the cartoon and comic origin stories by stating that the Quintessons didn't actually create the Transformers; rather, they simply colonised the planet early in its history and pretended to be the Transformers' creators, until the truth came out and they got kicked offworld. This is how the Binder of Revelation ultimately paid lip service to the Quintessons. In Transformers One, the Quintessons are just sort of here, they're these evil aliens secretly skimming Energon from its miners, they don't speak English (or whichever language the film was dubbed into in your market region), they're just these nasty societal parasites.

Energon is Transformers fuel. In the original cartoon, it was these glowing pink cubes the Decepticons were always trying to produce using harebrained Saturday-morning-cartoon energy-stealing devices. There was a Cold War going on, America had just been through an "energy crisis", maybe you're old enough to remember any of that. Transformers are these big, complicated machines, so I guess the idea is they need this hyper-compressed superfuel to run off, and their homeworld has run out. By the time of the Binder of Revelation, the concept had been telephoned to the point where Energon is like the lifeblood of Primus or some shit.

Primus is the Transformers God—but not the kind of God you have "faith" in, rather this actual guy whose existence is objectively known in various ways. He transforms into a planet, that's kind of cool, right? Where does Primus come from? Look, it doesn't matter, he's like, the God of Creation, he was there at the start of time. He created all of the Transformers. All the other species in the galaxy, though, they evolved naturally thanks to "science". Actually wait, didn't that Quintus Prime guy go around the universe seeding all the planets with different kinds of Cybertronian life? That's why they're called Quintessons. See, now you know. Who's Quintus Prime?

Okay, so the Thirteen Original Transformers, or the Primes, are the thirteen original Transformers created by Primus. Most of them correspond to different kinds of Transformer: Nexus Prime is the god of Transformers who can combine, Onyx Prime is the god of Transformers who turn into animals, Micronus Prime is the god of Transformers who are small, and Solus Prime is the god of Transformers who are women. You might remember the Primes from Revenge of the Fallen, although there were only seven of them there for whatever reason.

Honestly, The Fallen was the only one who mattered for a long time. The whole reason there's thirteen of them is because thirteen is kind of an unlucky number, right? Twelve would've been fine. But throw in a thirteenth guy, and he betrays everyone, he's this fucked up evil guy. In the Binder of Revelation, though, the Thirteenth Prime is his own special guy shrouded in mystery, because they kind of liked the idea that Optimus Prime would secretly turn out to have been the Thirteenth Prime all along, and he just forgot or something, because that means he has the divine right of Primes. In IDW's 2010s comic-book reboot, the Thirteenth Prime was called "The Arisen"—in reference to that one line in The Transformers: The Movie, "Arise, Rodimus Prime!" (this margin is too narrow to explain who Rodimus Prime is). Towards the end of his run, writer John Barber did some actually interesting stuff with the concept, playing with the ambiguity over whether-or-not Optimus Prime was actually the chosen one.

All of Optimus Prime's immediate predecessors as Autobot leaders, Sentinel Prime, Zeta Prime, the lineage seen in "Five Faces of Darkness"... they're all false Primes. They're Primes in name only. In fact, IDW had a whole procession of these cartoonishly evil dictators thanks to a few continuity errors leading to the addition of a couple of extra narratively-redundant fuckers. Transformers One tries to simplify it slightly by just saying that Zeta Prime was one of the Primes for real—occupying that thirteenth "free space"—and it was just Sentinel Prime who was only a normal Transformer pretending to be a Prime, then Optimus Prime who's a real boy.

But if he's not a Prime from the start, Optimus Prime needs another name in the meantime. In the '80s cartoon episode "War Dawn", before he was called Optimus Prime, he was called "Orion Pax". Have you noticed that Optimus Prime is kind of an odd-one-out amongst all the straightup-English-word names like "Bumblebee" and "Ratchet" and "Jazz"? That's because his name was one of a tiny handful from very early in the franchise's development, before writer Bob Budiansky came onboard and came up with identities for the vast majority of the toys. Practically everyone Bob Budiansky named is called like, "Bolts" or some shit, long before the characters even know of Earth, which has always just been a contrivance of the setting you're not supposed to think about.

Presumably to create a parallel with Orion Pax's transformation into Optimus Prime, someone at Hasbro in the 2010s came up with a new name for the bot who would become Megatron: "D-16". In real-world terms, this was nothing more than a dorky reference to the Megatron toy's original Japanese release being number 16 in the line ("D" stands for "Destron", which is what they call Decepticons in Japan). But in-universe, the name "D-16" was drawn from the sector of the mine where he worked. I don't get the impression it was originally intended to be part of a broader pattern.

Which is why I'm baffled as to what the hell the reasoning was behind Bumblebee's pre-Earth name, "B-127". There's this bizarre situation in the Bumblebee film, where the name "B-127" first cropped up, where literally every other bot gets a normal cool name with personality like "Cliffjumper" or "Dropkick" except for Bumblebee, who is stuck with this clunky sci-fi name until he makes friends with a human teenager on Earth and she gives him the name Bumblebee. I guess I don't find it confusing that the writers would (correctly) realise it's a bit weird for Bumblebee to be called Bumblebee on an alien planet where bumblebees don't exist. What I find confusing is that they didn't extend that logic to any other character.

So despite everything else in the franchise's direction pointing away from "robot" and towards "alien", Transformers One ends up with this ridiculous situation where two of the most important guys are, for practically the whole movie, simply referred to as "Dee" and "Bee", I guess because the writers correctly realised the numbers sound fucking stupid.

And if you squint, "Elita-1" sorta fits this naming scheme. But the great irony of it is that the very same cartoon episode which coined "Orion Pax" simultaneously established that Elita-1 also used to go by a different name: "Ariel"! Like the Little Mermaid. Y'know, because an "aerial" is a type of electrical component- oh, forget it.

By the time the script made it into Eric Pearson's hands, it's obvious that he simply was not thinking about it that deeply. He describes the genesis of a scene where Bumblebee introduces his imaginary friends, "A-atron, EP 5-0-8, and Steve." A-atron was impov'd by Keegan-Michael Key as a reference to one of his own skits on Key & Peele. Steve ("He's foreign.") was literally just because Pearson thought it would be funny. It's true that Steve is an inherently funny name, and I guess if you're struggling to come up with jokes of your own, it can be handy to fall back on something which is inherently funny.

And again, our silly answers to these silly questions beget yet more questions. If he started out as "D-16", then where did the name "Megatron" come from? And if all the Primes have epic made-up fantasy names, then surely that one guy can't just be called "The Fallen", right? That's not a name, that's an epithet. Unfortunately, someone at Hasbro had the bright idea to answer both these questions at once: The Fallen's real name was "Megatronus". Later, for consistency, they threw on the title, and we get "Megatronus Prime", which sounds like what a thirteen-year-old on deviantART in 2014 would call their Steven Universe fusion of Megatron and Optimus Prime. So you see, Megatron actually named himself after Megatronus Prime, famously the most evil of the Primes. In Transformers One, this is changed slightly so Megatronus is merely the strongest of the Primes, as part of its overall effort to make Megatron not look completely insane.

Which, it must be said, is a tall order. Better stories have tried and failed. Back in 2007, Scottish writer Eric Holmes came up with Megatron Origin, a perfectly-fine comic miniseries which drew heavily from the miners' strikes that took place in the UK from 1984-1985, coinciding with the inception of the Transformers franchise. In that comic, Megatron is a lowly miner who, through a series of chance events, winds up at the head of a dangerous political revolutionary movement.

For some reason—I guess because nobody had ever tried to make Megatron anything other than a bloodthirsty cackling madman before—this take on Megatron as a guy who rose up against a corrupt system became the defining interpretation of the character, copy/pasted pretty much wholesale into the Binder of Revelation. Orion Pax also opposes the system, and bonds with Megatron over it, but they disagree on how to fix it: Pax believes in peaceful reform, Megatron just loves to kill. In Transformers One, the problem everyone has with Megatron is basically "whoa, this guy's a little TOO angry!" and there's a point towards the end of the film where Megatron suddenly starts jonesing to kill literally anyone who stands in his way, because he's irrationally angry.

The core problem here—and it's kind of the Magneto problem, the Killmonger problem, whatever better-known example you care to insert here—is that these guys all fundamentally exist just to be a big villain who loves to kill people and who ultimately gets defeated, but the kids who grew up on this stuff in the '80s are now adults who are no longer satisfied with cardboard cutout villains. People like a complex villain, they like a villain who has a point. They like to root for both sides. And in fact, it's easier to sell more toys to people who are rooting for both sides, if your villain is just another kind of hero. But you don't really need to take the same effort with the good guys: they're good by design, righteous by nature. They don't need to stand for something, they just need to stand against the guy whose whole thing is that he loves to kill people.

But again, we're starting from a place where the evil faction—who half the planet will ultimately align themselves with—are literally called "Decepticons". It's a name you'd only ever call yourself ironically, maybe reclaiming it from your enemies. In this film, there's some tortured logic that implies they're called Decepticons because they were deceived by Sentinel Prime. Like if you met a gang of guys who call themselves "The Robbers", but it turns out to be because they got robbed one time, and they actually have zero intention of stealing from anyone.

The Autobots are easier, of course. "Auto" is a prefix that just means, like, the self, or whatever. And the most agreeably American ideal of all is selfishness the power of the individual, the freedom to seize one's own destiny. Prime's original '80s motto, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," is bastardised in Transformers One into the slightly less rolls-out-off-the-tongue "Freedom and autonomy are the rights of all sentient beings," because (I can only assume) they forgot to work the word "autonomy" earlier into the script. If they ever greenlit Transformers Three, I suppose the motto would have ended up as something like "Freedom, autonomy, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope are the rights of all sentient beings." Even though bodily autonomy is one of the most salient motifs present in the film—all but referred to by name—I suppose the filmmakers were worried that you might think, when Prime says "freedom", that he actually means something completely different. So now you see! "Autobots" is actually the descriptive name of a political movement which believes in obviously good things. Like "Moms for Liberty".

Okay, so the cannier among you have probably spotted the mean rhetorical trick I'm pulling with this encyclopedia-entry-ass introduction. By sarcastically relitigating all the storytelling choices I dislike from the last 20 years of Transformers lore, I can build up a negative association with Transformers One without even reviewing the movie itself! On a subtextual level, I'm deliberately misattributing these bad ideas to the filmmakers, conveniently ignoring the mountains of evidence to suggest that they were just trying to make the best of whatever Hasbro handed them from on high. If anything—you might think—the filmmakers deserve even more credit, for spinning this shite into something even remotely good on the big screen.

Like, you'd be wrong, but I can see why you might think that.

II. The Spider-Verse of Transformers

Okay, I can see that I've spat in your soup. I'm sorry. There are lots of good bits in Transformers One. I can even think of one or two of them off the top of my head, without really racking my brains.

Maybe halfway through the film, there is one specific moment where the story suddenly promises to get good. You can pinpoint it down to the word, down to the frame even. Our heroes have just discovered that their planet's leader, Sentinel Prime, is a complete fraud who's been secretly exploiting them ever since they were born—and worse, castrated them by removing their transformation cogs. They are all very cross about this. Orion Pax expresses that he wants to come up with a plan to expose Sentinel Prime. Megatron is too angry to listen. Orion Pax asks, "Don't you want to stop him?" And Megatron replies, "No, I want to KILL him!" And there's like, a little tint of red creeping into the glow of his eyes.

Whoa. Chills. Up to this point in the film, Megatron has been kind of surly at times, but he's otherwise a generic kids' movie protagonist. He's often chipper. He makes quips. He has this banter with Orion Pax where he's always complaining. It's literally that one "Optimist Prime"/"Negatron" comic, committed to film. Like I'm not even being facetious, one of the film's few obligatory "emotional moments" has Elita-1 sit Orion Pax down and say, "You know what I love about you? You always see the bright side. Like you're some kind of OPTIMIST or something." And then later completely unrelatedly God gives him the mandate of heaven and says "ARISE, OPTIMUS PRIME!" Y'see, as originally conceived, "Optimus" is the word "Optimum" if it was a name, which is why people sometimes localise his name as "Best #1". But it's genuinely kind of cute to reverse-engineer the etymology as coming from "optimist", I guess. Like, it's stupid, but it's cute.

Argh, I got distracted with naming minutia again! Entirely my bad. That's the last time, I promise. Where was I? Right, we'd just found out that Megatron is kind of scary. Brian Tyree Henry's line delivery as he growls "KILL" is his crowning achievement in this film.

Where Optimus Prime's character arc in this movie sees him change from a funny, rebellious spirit to a complete personality vacuum, Megatron's character arc is kind of the opposite. When we're first introduced to him, it's weirdly hard to get a handle on who he is. He's a fanboy for Megatronus, the strongest and most morally-unremarkable of the Primes. He looks up to Sentinel Prime. He likes sports. He doesn't like breaking the rules. In fact, we get the sense that, were it not for his friendship with Orion Pax, he would be literally indistinguishable from the legion of silent crowd-filling background characters he works with. But the moment he starts to become Megatron, it's like everything starts to click. Gears catch, where once they ground and idled. There is something in this guy that was made to fight, made to kill, made to rule. It's sick.

And the underlying tension in his friendship with Optimus suddenly snaps into focus. Megatron is mad at Sentinel Prime, but Sentinel Prime isn't there, he's somewhere else, far below... and he can't help but turn that anger on the next closest thing to an authority figure he has in his life, which is his peer-pressuring bestie, Orion Pax. There is a part of Megatron that wishes he'd never learned the truth, and he blames Orion Pax for his cursed knowledge, for constantly leading them into predicaments on his stupid flights of fancy. Now that he knows, he can't go back to how he was. He can't stop thinking about it.

I'll be honest, it rules. Obviously it rules. It's complicated and toxic and darker than this movie was marketed to be. In interview, Josh Cooley describes the draft of the script he was presented with when he joined the project as having been far more jokey, light-hearted, glib—and it seems we can credit him for saying "Look, this ain't right, the minute the credits roll these guys are going to be at civil war for millions of years."

So, they started talking about it in — what did you say, 2015? I came on board in 2020, and when I came on board there was the first draft of the script. So I don't think they'd been working on it that entire time, but they'd been thinking about it, for sure. And the script that I read was a little more comical? But it was clear that that wasn't the right tone for this film specifically, because we know there's gonna be a war, civil war on Cybertron, you can't have everybody making jokes and then all of a sudden there's a war. So, um, the stakes were really important for this film. And because our characters at the beginning are a little naive, and just on the younger side, not as experienced, it allowed more freedom for them to be a little looser and have fun really getting to know these characters. But once they realize something's going on and things are getting real, it needs to get real.

Cooley also describes his "in" on the film as being the brotherly relationship between Optimus Prime and Megatron (they're not literally brothers in this film, though they have been in the past), which perhaps explains why Megatron and Optimus Prime get to be characters, instead of just like, guys who are there.

That was always the goal from the beginning and what got me on board. It was this relationship between these two characters that was very human and brotherly. I thought about my relationship with my brother and how I could bring that in. It’s not like we’re enemies, but we grew up together and then went down our different paths, but we’re still brotherly. I became a writer-director and live in a fantasy land, and he became a homicide detective who deals with reality, so we’re two very different mindsets. I have always been fascinated by the idea of two people who come from the same place but end up in different ones. From the very beginning, I was like, ‘That’s something I can relate to.’

Anyway, things I liked, what else. There's that joke at the very start, after the excruciating lore powerpoint, where Orion Pax does a fake-out like he's going to transform, the music briefly swells, and then it just cuts to him legging it down the corridor. In a similar vein, I liked the idea behind the Iacon 5000, where Orion Pax has them run in the race. I felt like the execution of the race left a bit to be desired—the only other participant who matters is Darkwing—but it's still honestly the best big action setpiece in the film. There's also that bit at the end where Megatron and Optimus Prime are both changing into their final forms simultaneously, and it's basically a Homestuck Flash (what would that be, "[S] OPTIMUS PRIME. ARISE."?), so obviously I liked that. Oh, and I really liked the environment design where the planet's landscape is constantly transforming, that's brand-new, someone had an Idea there, and it creates visual interest during the initial Energon-mining scene... even if I wished it had actually paid off in a more meaningful way than "the planet's crust opens as Prime falls to get the Matrix"—like, someone really should've gotten eaten by the planet, that's a cracking Disney death scene and they left it on the table! I also liked getting to see my blorbo, Vector Prime, on the big screen.

I think, as a Transformers fan who's had to sit through a lot of really quite sexist, racist, and plain bad films, you're well within your rights to come out of this one ready to give it a fucking Oscar. You should be ecstatic! It has none of those pesky humans clogging up the frame. It has plenty of robot action. It has jokes which- well I struggle to call many of them "funny", but they're at least trying to be funny in a different way to Michael Bay's films. The film is obviously a massive love letter to... honestly every part of Transformers except the live-action movies. It is an incredibly faithful and earnest adaptation of all the lore and iconography that has randomly accumulated the way it has over the last forty years of bullshit.

My main point of contention, then, is with the overriding sentiment I'm seeing from pretty much everyone else in the fandom: that this is not just the best Transformers movie, but that it's a great animated movie period, that it does for Transformers what Into the Spider-Verse did for Spider-Man, what The Last Wish did for Puss in Boots, and what Mutant Mayhem did for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That, in effect, this film will make you "get it". That it's better-looking, better-written, and more meaningful than a silly toy commercial has any right to be.

I think you can definitely see some loose influence from Spider-Verse in the overall look of the film—particularly in its color grading, and in the design of its main setting, the underground city of Iacon, where the upside-down skyscrapers hanging from the ceiling evoke the iconic "falling upwards" shot from Spider-Verse. Like The Last Wish, it's an animated franchise film that spent much longer than you'd think in development, only for the release of Into the Spider-Verse to have an immediate impact on its visual style... without actually affecting the basic story to the same extent. Both Transformers One and The Last Wish, in many ways, feel like stories concocted using an older formula; in particular, Transformers One bears startling similarities to a similar toy-franchise-prequel, BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, which was released twenty years ago! By contrast, Mutant Mayhem��which had a much shorter development period—is a direct reaction to Spider-Verse in both aesthetic and narrative, and it has a much more distinctive creative direction as a result.

If you look at how all these titles have performed in cinemas, I think you can make a pretty strong case that audiences are perfectly willing to go out and see this kind of flick. A glance at Wikipedia tells me that Mutant Mayhem, The Bad Guys, and The Last Wish grossed double, triple, and quadruple their budgets respectively. In terms of the pre-existing cultural cachet they were banking on, we're talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a children's book series I'd never heard of, and fucking Puss in Boots. You cannot tell me that Transformers, as a brand, is on the same level as any of these properties. Meanwhile, Transformers One hardly broke even, while The Wild Robot—another DreamWorks film based on a children's book I've never heard of, which it ended up competing with in theatres—grosses three times its budget. My friends who've seen The Wild Robot say it made them cry.

Face it: Transformers One has not lit the world on fire. I've seen a lot of people cope with this by suggesting that it's to do with the film's staggered release, or even by claiming that the film's marketing was somehow misleading. I'll be honest, upon seeing it, it did not strike me as being at all dissimilar to the trailers. You can maybe say that the trailers undersold the depth of Orion Pax's and Megatron's relationship—which is its best aspect—but honestly, I think if they'd taken a lot of those scenes out of context and put them in early teasers, audiences would've laughed it out of theatres. Like, c'mon, it's toy robots, stop pretending it's Shakespeare. And otherwise, what you see is what you get; it's exactly what it says on the tin.

I wonder how many Transformers fans, on some level, have noticed that even when we're supposedly "eating good", and watching "peak cinema", our films just aren't as good as everyone else's. They're something you'll enjoy if you're already highly predisposed to enjoy them. But otherwise, they're not turning heads. They're not as funny, or as heartfelt, or as complex, or as exciting, or as charming, or as memorable, or as beautiful as these other films. Unlike with Spider-Verse, there's no word-of-mouth amongst normal people to say that this is a film worth seeing.

What I perceive in studios hoping to recreate the flash-in-the-pan success of Spider-Verse is a misunderstanding of what made people go crazy for that movie in the first place. Yes, it changed our conception of what an 3D-animated film could look like. Yes, the multiverse is very cool and all that. Yes, it had a huge IP attached to it. But on a more fundamental level, that movie has a fantastic story underpinning it. The script is razor-sharp. The story is beautifully complex. The vision of New York City it presents is a living, breathing place, populated by real people. It has the kind of craft to it that can only come from truly obsessive creators cultivating an absolutely miserable professional environment for a legion of passionate animators.

In interview, Transformers producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura actually spoke surprisingly candidly about his view on crunch:

I probably shouldn't answer this question, because I'm not exactly PC on my answer. I think the nature of filmmaking is, we're really lucky to work in a business that's about passion. Passion doesn't fit really well into a timeline, so inevitably you come to a crunch time. It's just true in the live action, it's true in every movie, and authors always tell me that about when they're writing their books — it's the same thing happens to them! There's something about the creative process that's not — it's unruly. So, I think if you're enjoying it, you need to recognize that. Like, you know, I don't wanna abuse anybody, and y'know — if you get into that period where people have to really work too hard, you gotta help them in that situation, then. 'Cause it's gonna come. It does on every movie. I've never seen it not come, no matter how well you plan, et cetera. 'Cause it's not a science what we're doing at all, and there's all these discoveries that happen near the end, which makes you go "oh, let's do some more, come on!". We discovered that on this movie, where we're calling ILM going "we've got a few ideas, you know, do you have enough man-hours?". [...] Like, you gotta be conscious of it — in live-action, for instance, there are some studios that are so cheap that when you're on — sort of medium location-distance and you're shooting 'til midnight, they don't pay for a hotel room. It's like, well, no-no-no, you pay for a hotel room. You protect the people.

According to everyone who worked on Transformers One, everyone who worked on Transformers One was very passionate about it. But there are parts of this film where I think you can say, pretty objectively, that it's falling short of its intended effect. So I guess maybe they weren't that passionate. I'm not saying that to be mean! It's just... isn't that better than the alternative—that this was the best they could do?

III. I did not care for The Godfather

At one point in the film, the gang's magic map leads them to a scary cave, which looks like this:

Bumblebee fills the dead air by saying, "A cave, with teeth. Nothing scary about that!" The joke here is that this is a cave that looks like a mouth. But as depicted, it's a cave that looks like a mouth that doesn't look like a cave! I get that this is an alien planet, but stalactites don't grow that way on Earth, so when you see the cave onscreen, your gut reaction isn't "oh my, what a frightening cave!". No, this is a cave that makes you say, "that's not a cave, that's some kind of alien monster".

(It's not like "cave turns out to be a monster" would in any way be a fresh twist. In BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, there's a bit where a character swims into a scary cave, and it turns out to be the mouth of a massive sea serpent. In The Empire Strikes Back, the Millennium Falcon briefly hides in an asteroid tunnel which turns out to be a giant space worm. So I'm definitely not saying Transformers One would've been a better film if it had used this stock trope.)

Then once the heroes go inside, we're whisked off to an entirely different set of concept artwork, for this lush organic underground paradise. There's no danger there. The cave itself is reduced to a strange little footnote. Maybe it's only in the story because a concept artist drew it before they'd worked out the finer points of the narrative, and Keegan-Michael Key just ended up ad-libbing the "teeth!" line when he was told to vamp for a few seconds. Or maybe the teeth gag was fully written into the script from the start, and the environment artists just interpreted it way too literally.

Like, I'm sorry, I don't mean to start off on the wrong foot here by harping on about the cave thing—it's not a perfect example anyway—but to me it's a microcosm for my frustration towards what I perceive to be a lack of creative vision in this film. So much of the film feels like it's not there to be entertaining, or meaningful, or narratively load-bearing... it's just obligatory, something they threw in for the sake of having anything at all. It's colors and sounds. When you see the spiky shape onscreen, you think, "ooh, this film was pretty bouba earlier, but now it's more kiki!" They get the comedian to improvise a few one-liners while the characters walk from place to place. And it's like, yes, this is a film for children. Of course the heroes have an adventure map with a big red X on it. In many respects this is a glorified episode of Pocoyo, or the modern equivalent, which I guess is "Baby Shark | Animal Songs For Children".

Nowhere is this sense of "we are obliged to put this in the movie" felt more strongly than in its supporting cast. When you look closely, you notice that Bumblebee and Elita-1—placed prominently in the film's marketing and being technically present for much of its runtime—don't actually do anything of narrative significance. They don't make choices that impact the story; they're just there, and it would not take much rewriting to excise them entirely, so it's just Orion Pax and Megatron on their little adventure. In fact, I'll just come out and say it: I think Transformers One would have been a better movie if Bumblebee and Elita-1 were not in it.

It helps that, from a Doylist perspective, the motivations for their inclusion are perfectly transparent. Firstly, think of the merchandise! Secondly, in Bumblebee's case, it's fucking Bumblebee, he's the whole reason half the kids will be watching, you can't not have him in there. Whenever Bumblebee's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking, "where's Bumblebee?" Also, I think the creative team felt that they could use Bumblebee tactically to balance some of the darkness in the story.

In the G1 cartoon, Bumblebee just has the default Autobot personality—good-natured, a little sarcastic—with the dial turned a little more towards friendliness. There's this iconic anecdote from the production that cartoon, where writer David Wise found himself in exactly the same situation Transformers writers are finding themselves in forty years later: he was told to write a story about something called "Vector Sigma", and he had no fucking clue what Vector Sigma was supposed to be. So he asked story editor Bryce Malek, who also had no fucking idea. Malek in turn asked Hasbro, and was told that Vector Sigma was "the computer that gave all the Transformers personalities". Upon hearing this, Malek said, "Well, it didn't do a very good job, did it!" Vector Sigma, in case you missed it, does actually appear in Transformers One, as the polygonal shape that transitions into the Matrix of Leadership in the opening powerpoint; I guess they're one and the same now. Some things never change: in Michael Bay's Transformers movies, there is again just a single default personality that every single Autobot shares, a braggadacious action-hero facade over genuine bloodthirst. Who can forget that iconic moment in Revenge of the Fallen where Bumblebee rips out Ravage's spine in grisly slow-mo?

Aside from the fact that he's small and yellow, Bumblebee in Transformers One bears very little resemblance to any incarnation of the character kids might be accustomed to. Instead, he occupies a stock comic-relief archetype, he's a zany guy who goes "Well, that just happened!" If anything, his one joke in the third act—wanton murder—reads like it could maybe be a reference to his many Mortal Kombat fatalities in Bay's films. Beginning in 2007's Transformers Animated, Bumblebee has sometimes possessed deployable "stingers" that flip out from his hands, as a fun action feature for toys. Clearly someone on Transformers One saw this and thought it was the funniest fucking thing that Bumblebee has "knife hands", because the character spends the third act of the movie just shouting "knife hands!" and cutting people in half like a medieval terror.

(In the UK, Bumblebee's lines were re-recorded at the last minute so he says "sword hands" instead. This is because in the UK, we generally aren't able to kill each other using guns, so it's knives that are the big armed-violence boogeyman. Everyone's always talking about how all the kids have knives. And look, I'm not someone to indulge in moral panic, but genuinely, when I look at Bumblebee chasing around people with knives, saying, "I'm gonna cut these guys, watch!", I'm like... what the fuck were they thinking when they wrote that?)

Frankly, whatever is going on with Bumblebee is just an entirely different movie to everything else that's happening. When Bee shanks his twelfth nameless lackey in a row, the movie's like, awww, you're sweet! But when Megatron tries to kill the one (1) evil dictator who's just fucking branded him, who's still lying to his face while his people continue to die to the guy's fuckin' honor guard, Optimus Prime is like, HELLO, HUMAN RESOURCES?

Bumblebee is solely here to be funny, but there's a point in the film where it needs to become a war story, and the best they can think to do with Bumblebee is to have him kill people but in like, a funny way.

As for Elita-1... look, to put it very bluntly, she is in this movie to be a woman. Transformers has had a long, long forty-year history of boys'-club exclusionism, if not outright misogyny, and each new series usually has a token female character, as a kind of fig-leaf for the fact that really, the only fucking thing Hasbro cares about is that the boys are buying the toys. Beginning in the 1986 movie, it was Arcee who got to be "the pink one" for many years of fiction—but not toys, y'see, when parents want to buy something for their beloved young lad, they don't buy "the pink one", no sir. In the 2010s, wow-cool-OC Windblade took over for a stint as leading lady, decked out in a commercially-non-threatening red color scheme. Recently, though, it's been Elita-1—Optimus Prime's girlfriend from the original '80s cartoon—who's been the go-to female character, and she's increasingly allowed to be pink.

There is a lot of love for these characters amongst creatives and fans alike, and especially in the last decade, female Transformers have been both more numerous and better-written than ever. Unfortunately Transformers One, which depicts Elita-1 as an arms-crossing career-obsessed buzzkill, whose arc sees her learn her place in deference to a less-competent man... well let's just say it struck me as a significant step back in this regard.

There's this great interview with Scarlett Johansson, voice of Elita-1, where she's trying to describe what makes her character interesting, and it's like she's drawing blood from a stone. She's like, "yeah, so Elita-1, I would say, she's on her own journey, because at the start of the film it's sort of like she's working at a big company, you know, and she wants to get a promotion, but then later on she learns that she can't, y'know, get a promotion". Look, it's not that Scarlett Johansson does a bad job—in fact, considering the material she's working with, she practically carries Elita-1 entirely on the back of her performance—it's just that I can't shake the impression that the filmmakers would rather pay Scarlett Johansson god knows how many thousands of dollars than try to think of a second actress that they know of.

As I've already complained, Transformers One has a pretty thin cast, but it effectively only has two other female characters who do anything. Airachnid is a secondary antagonist, Sentinel Prime's spymaster/enforcer, and it's clear that some concept artist really fucking popped off when designing her. She has eyes in the back of her head, and it's ten times creepier than that makes it sound. Her spiderlegs also create some visual interest during fight scenes. As a character, Airachnid has zero internality and is not interesting, but she is cool, so you'll get no complaints from me there.

The film's other other female character is Chromia, who wins the Iacon 5000 race at the last moment. She really comes out of nowhere to clinch it. It's funny, because the leaderboards show this one guy, Mirage, hovering near the top of the rankings for almost the whole sequence. And Chromia's character model really looks suspiciously like Mirage's. In fact, there's a different character who stands around in the background a couple of times who looks much more like Chromia. Funnily enough, that background character is even called Chromia in concept art! So if you connect the dots, it really seems that the "Chromia" who is the best racer on Cybertron was originally meant to be Mirage, a guy, until they switched the character's gender at the very last minute, and didn't bother changing the leaderboards to match.

There are two possible explanations for this. The first is that Mirage was the dark horse of Rise of the Beasts, and for some reason they felt like his depiction in Transformers One would've gotten in the way of their plans for the character somehow. It's plausible, I guess. The second, infinitely funnier option, is that at some point someone working on the movie realised that they only put two women in the film, scrambled to look through the feature to find a suitable character to gender-swap, only to discover to their horror that they'd forgotten to put in any characters whatsoever. Fuck it, the racer guy! He can be a girl. Diversity win, the fastest class traitor on Cybertron... is a woman!

In case you were wondering about the Transformers One toyline leaderboards, by my count, Orion Pax has ten new transforming toys currently announced or in stores, Bumblebee and Megatron have six each, Sentinel Prime has four, Alpha Trion has two, Elita-1 has two, Airachnid has one, Starscream has one, Wheeljack has one, and the Quintesson High Commander has one. In fact, one of Elita-1's toys—the collector-oriented high-quality Studio Series release—isn't scheduled for release until some undetermined point later next year, and she was entirely absent from leaked lists of upcoming releases, which to me smacks of "we realised last-minute that it would look really really bad if we didn't bother to release a good toy of the one woman in the film". Oh, and obviously, Chromia has no toys—but there is an "Iacon Race" three-pack consisting of Megatron, Orion Pax... and Mirage. Go figure.

The thing is, all of the stuff I'm grousing about here is pretty much standard fare for kids' films targeted more at boys. Hell, even The Lego Movie—which is basically the gold standard of toy commercials—gave supporting protagonist Wyldstyle a pretty similar arc to the one Elita-1 gets here, which was probably the weakest element of that film. Evidently conscious of this, Lord & Miller redeemed themselves by devoting the entirety of The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part to deconstructing common narratives surrounding gender roles. I guess I just wish the young girls who presumably comprise some portion of Transformers One theatergoers could actually get anything out of Elita-1 as a character. Ah, what do I know, maybe it's still considered countercultural simply to depict a woman punching people.

Still, to give credit where it's due: Transformers One doesn't remotely touch the gender-essentialism prevalent in the Binder of Revelation, treating female Transformers no differently to their male counterparts in lore terms. Solus Prime is, it seems, just a Prime who happened to be a woman, rather than the mythological Eve after whom all women are patterned. There's a scene where our heroes are gifted the Transformation Cogs of the fallen Primes, and the Primes named thankfully bear no particular relation to the characters; in other words, Elita-1 isn't given Solus Prime's cog. As Alpha Trion puts it: "What defines a Transformer is not the cog in his chest, but the spark that resides in their core." Dude really remembered nonbinary people exist halfway through that sentence huh.

(Actually, the bigger mistake would've been with Megatron: if he was given Megatronus Prime's cog from the start, then this would've created the unfortunate implication that his descent into evil was only the result of Megatronus Prime's fucked up and evil cog, rather than a choice Megatron made of his own free will. The film instead has it the other way around: Megatron's radicalisation into a "might makes right" philosophy is what causes him to covet Megatronus Prime's transformation cog, to steal that power from Sentinel Prime, who stole the cogs of both Megatronus and Megatron in the first place. That's cool! This does create a bit of unfortunate narrative dissonance with Alpha Trion's words, alas, as it does seem like Megatronus Prime's cog really is more powerful than the others, because it gives both Sentinel Prime and Megatron a powerup.)

There's just something that I find so dreadfully mercenary about this movie's cast—honestly, everyone except Orion Pax, Megatron, and maybe Sentinel Prime. Take Darkwing, for example. Bro was clearly designed from the ground up to fill this stock character role of "bully who pushes our guys around and later gets his comeuppance". For a more interesting take on that exact same archetype, look no further than Todd Sureblade from Nimona, a bigoted knight who gets a whole damn character arc in the background, which directly complements that film's main themes.

Again, I'm not playing some kind of guessing game here, the authorial evidence is right there: Darkwing didn't even have a name until Hasbro designer Mark Maher was shown a picture of the character and asked, "If this was a Decepticon flyer, who would it be?" This is actually par for the course with ILM; most of their concept art is labelled with very basic descriptions, with the exact trademarks being picked in conjunction with Hasbro at a later point. Darkwing just stands out in Transformers One because he's the only recurring speaking character who's an OC in all but name (unless you count Bumblebee), he's the one guy who's been invented from scratch with total creative freedom, and he's boring as sin. It's like the filmmakers just couldn't conceive of a children's movie without that stock character—and they clearly had no idea what to do with him once they'd invented him, because he disappears entirely from the film at the start of the third act, when Orion Pax throws him into an arcade cabinet, which they have in the mines on Cybertron for some reason.

In a film with as painfully few named speaking characters as Transformers One, there's really no excuse for having this kind of one-dimensionality in their portrayals. Genuinely, I ask—who are Orion Pax and Megatron fighting to liberate? Jazz, one of the biggest personalities from the original G1 cartoon, who gets all of two boilerplate lines here? Cooley seems to think so:

As you’re designing them the background characters are almost like Lego pieces where you put different heads on different bodies just to fill in a crowd. But some of them would be brought forward and be painted specific colors so that it represents a character that I didn’t know was such a big deal. But there was stuff—like Jazz, for example, has a pretty big role. It was important to have a relationship with a character that we know gets to be saved.

To me, the idea that casual cinemagoers would be invested in any of the Transformers as characters is laughable. Michael Bay's characters are famous for being hateful non-entities. In terms of the films, Jazz is best remembered for dying at the end of the first one, seventeen years ago; he looks completely different here. The one breakout character in recent years—Mirage, as played by Pete Davidson in Rise of the Beasts—was, as I've already mentioned, written out so that the movie could reach its girl quota... not that he would've had any lines anyway.

And I just don't buy the idea that the complete dearth of compelling characterisation in this film is just an unfortunate side-effect of its clipped one-hour-thirty runtime—that, given even half an hour longer, the film would suddenly be crowded with rich portrayals of all your Transformers faves. Bumblebee and Elita-1, ostensibly two of the most important characters in the film, are not in this movie because the movie is interested in telling their stories. They are in this movie for the sake of being in this movie. It insists upon itself.

IV. No politics means no politics

In fact, putting aside merchandising considerations, Elita-1 and Bumblebee serve one very specific purpose in narrative terms. The trait Optimus Prime and Megatron have always had in common is that they are both leaders—and what is a leader, without anyone to lead? Without Bumblebee and Elita-1, you'd have this farcical situation where the only person Optimus Prime ever gets to boss around is Megatron, until the very end of the movie when God makes him king of all Cybertron. The High Guard, Starscream's gang of exiles, serve a similar narrative purpose for Megatron; they're a ready-made army who've just been sitting around waiting for him to show up and take charge.

Towards the end, the movie does actually take care to show both Orion Pax and Megatron rallying groups of Cybertronians: in Pax's case, he reveals the truth to his legion of interchangable miner friends, while Megatron riles up the High Guard mob. Again, there's a bit of that narrative sleight-of-hand, a bit of a thematic cop-out, where the question of "how do Optimus Prime and Megatron come to be leaders of their factions?" is answered only in the most literal possible interpretation. Yes, we technically see the exact chain of events that lead to this point—but both characters are portrayed as born leaders. We don't see them grow into the role, except physically. The moment Megatron decides he wants to rule, he's able to take charge. Likewise, Optimus Prime just gets divinely appointed by God. At a key point, Megatron loudly declares "I will never trust a so-called leader ever again", and the movie plays a fucking scare chord like this is supposed to be ominous. Like, oh no! Optimus Prime is a leader! And they're friends! Whatever will Megatron do when he finds out his friend, Optimus Prime, is a leader?

I don't think the movie has given any real thought to what a leader actually is. It seems to take a stance that power cannot be taken, i.e. through violent action, as Sentinel Prime and Megatron do. That one scene with Elita-1 suggests the most important trait for a leader to have, above and beyond any particular competency, is simply hope and optimism. What I just can't wrap my head around is the fact that the counterpoint the movie presents to Megatron, in the form of Orion Pax becoming Optimus Prime, does not support a belief in collective action or basic democracy—rather, it's a boring sword-in-the-stone divine-right-of-kings fantasy.

Except I do have a theory for why the film is like this. Let's look again at that interview with Eric Pearson, who came onboard in the "late middle" of production:

One of the first things that I did was a big pass on Sentinel Prime. I just felt like he was too obviously telegraphing his wickedness in previous versions, and I felt like, “No, he’s a carnival barker.” He’s got to be a big salesman. He’s a bullshitter, honestly is what he is.

(Honestly, if this is Sentinel after a "big pass" to make his villainy more of a twist, I shudder to think what the earlier drafts were like.)

Now, let's see how WIRED introduces their interview with Josh Cooley, titled "Transformers One Isn't as Silly as It Looks":

He liked the script, which traces how Optimus Prime (Chris Hemsworth) and Megatron (Brian Tyree Henry) went from friends to enemies. But as the world went into lockdown as Covid-19 spread, Cooley found his story changing, if only slightly. Trump was still in office when Cooley started working on the film, and he was having meetings with the producers and they’d “start these meetings off on Zoom just going, like, ‘Holy crap what is going on in this world?’” he says. Ultimately, the infighting they were seeing between Democrats and Republicans in the same family became an undercurrent in the film’s friends-to-enemies storyline, “because that’s what Transformers is.”

So it's like, oh, this is a 2016 election thing. This is just that one election that broke everyone's brains. Of course this movie about a made-up political struggle on an alien planet being developed from 2015-2020 wouldn't be like, hey, you know what might fix our society's problems, is if we had an election. Of course the main villain is a "big salesman" "bullshitter" who says things like "The truth is what I make it!". Wow, guys, your film is so-o-o politically-conscious, and very pretty.

The fantasy is more or less that Donald Trump's army of reactionaries is marching on Washington to seize power through violent means, and on the way he drops Joe Biden into the Grand Canyon, but just before Joe hits the ground a giant fucking bald eagle swoops in to catch him and squawks, "God finds you worthy! Arise, President Biden!"

In our escapist little morality play, our best friend slash allegorical dad gets made king of the planet, and we all get jobs in the government. As in, one of the funniest lines in the movie is straightup Bumblebee exulting, "This is the greatest day of my life. I get to work for the government!" When Prime met Bumblebee—an hour ago—the dude was talking to imaginary friends, and honestly the only fucking skill he's demonstrated since then is cold-blooded murder. We have this dissonance in the storytelling, where it's mostly a story about four friends going on an adventure (are they even friends? Most of them hate each other!), but it's also a founding-fathers political origin story, which means there comes a point where our hero just suddenly starts bossing his friends around in a deep voice, and they're like, "Yes, sir!" It creates this unhinged situation where the "good" faction on Cybertron is ruled by the biblical chosen one and his nepotism buddies.

Per that quote from WIRED (or are they just putting words in Cooley's mouth? I can't help but notice they don't give an exact quote!), the film is ultimately sympathetic to the bad guys (the Republicans, I guess). It deliberately suggests that there is really nothing that should divide the Autobots and the Decepticons: their political goals, it claims, are identical, and they only disagree on the means by which to achieve them. The Decepticons, who are angry and hateful, have simply been misled by a power-hungry liar with charisma—first Sentinel, then Megatron—and so the tragedy is that they are artificially pushed into conflict with their fellow men, when really they should be uniting to stand against their common enemy, the foreigner illuminati trying to steal Cybertron's wealth.

Now, I know I've just handed you a get-out-of-jail-free card. My political allegory here is chock full of holes. What, are Sentinel Prime and Megatron both Donald Trump? Get a grip. Obviously any real-world commentary in Transformers One was only intended in the loosest sense imaginable: things like, "people should be free to change into whatever they want!" I'm being unfair, I'm reading too much into it, this is a cartoon movie for children, and if I want politics, I should start reading some fucking books. Also, come to mention it, my whole argument about that cave earlier really didn't hold water, and- I know, alright? I know.

V. Place / Place, Cybertron

I'm not mad at this toy commercial because its politics don't quite align with mine. I'm not mad at it for having a boring-ass supporting cast. I'm not mad at it for reheating a bunch of half-baked lore I didn't care for from the early 2010s. I've actually spent a lot of time mad about Transformers media that I've thought was bad. There's Transformers: Armada, where the English translators are fully asleep at the wheel and render even the most basic cartoon plots incomprehensible though constant mistranslations. There's Transformers: Micromasters, where two white guys wrote a downtrodden race of tiny Cybertronians who greet each other like "Wattup, my micro!". There's the recent series of Transformers: EarthSpark, where there's an episode that I can only describe as "the Wonka Experience but it's an episode of a children's cartoon", with a plotline that mostly revolves around our child heroes straightup robbing a Onceler-looking businessman of his most valuable possession. There's Transformers: Age of Extinction, with that one scene, and also the rest of that movie. In fact, I would go so far as to say that most Transformers fiction is some combination of bad, offensive, and offensively bad.

So even though I've just spent thousands of words whinging and moaning about how I didn't like Transformers One, the truth is that I had a perfectly nice time at the cinema. I got to go see it with five of my pals who love Transformers just as much as I do, and we had a blast. It is easily in the top 50% of all Transformers fiction.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I guess I've always given a lot of thought to what Transformers looks like from the outside. Maybe it's that I'm compelled to spend so much time and money on it, that it somehow compels me to vomit up these kinds of essays, and all I want is to be able to make it make sense to anyone in my life. It would be so, so nice if I could just sit down in the cinema with a friend or family member for a couple of hours, and at the end of it, they'd be able to walk out and say, "Okay, I guess I see what you get out of it." Rise of the Beasts was kind of that movie for me, but Rise of the Beasts is also the seventh instalment in a blockbuster franchise. It kind of takes for granted everything about Transformers.

It doesn't answer, "what the fuck is a Transformer anyway?"

For many years now, fans have noticed a marked aversion to using the word "transform" as a verb, or even as a noun. Optimus Prime no longer says, "Autobots, transform and roll out!", he just says, "Roll out!". Transformers no longer transform, they "convert". In fact, Transformers are no longer Transformers at all: they are "Transformers bots", the italics here serving to distinguish a registered trademark. This is because the worms in suits at Hasbro are worried that, if they continue to use the word "transform" by its dictionary definition—that is, to change—then rival toy companies will be able to make the case that anything that transforms can legally be described as a Transformer. It will become a generic trademark, like Velcro, or Band-Aid, or Dumpster.

Yet in Transformers One, "Transformers" is not just the noun by which the characters are referred to—rather, it's used in a descriptive sense to specifically mean "Cybertronians who can transform"! Characters are constantly talking about whether they can or can't transform. Prime gets to say his catchphrase in full. It's a miracle. Not only that, characters even get to say the word "kill" instead of "defeat" or "destroy".

Transformers One has a level of unrestricted creative freedom not seen since the 1986 animated film. This is a film unconstrained by location shooting, or licensing deals, or uncooperative actors; through the magic of CGI, for every single frame of its one-hour-thirty runtime, the filmmakers can put literally whatever they want on the screen. They were given the assignment, "Make an animated prequel set on Cybertron telling the origin story of Optimus Prime and Megatron", handed an estimated $147 million and a blank page, and told to go nuts. Like those born with transformation cogs, Transformers One had the power to become anything it wanted to be.

The 1986 animated film took that carte blanche to do whatever the fuck it wanted, and basically singlehandedly defined the direction of the franchise ever since. On a lore level, in terms of tone, I would say that Transformers owes practically everything to The Transformers: The Movie. Cartoons, comics, films, and video games have adapted every single one of its scenes countless times over. I'm not necessarily saying that it's a good film, or even that it's a particularly original film—much of it is ripped off from Star Wars—just that it took the franchise somewhere it hadn't gone before. It was looking to the future. As in, literally, it was set in 2005, at the time two decades into the future.

What gets me down about Transformers One is that—like most major franchise media released since The Force Awakens—all it can do is think about the past. Swathes of it are devoted to painstakingly recreating or setting up the various bits of iconography which have arbitrarily come to define the franchise. Even when it appears to be taking things in a new direction, it's not long before it course-corrects back into familiar territory: Steve Buscemi invents a surprisingly fresh take on Starscream's voice, and then Megatron half-strangles him to death, saddling him with a post-produced rasp to emulate Chris Latta's iconic performance from forty years ago.

The very title of the film, Transformers One, is an allusion to the line, "Till all are one," which originates in The Transformers: The Movie. In an early script for that '80s feature, it was actually "Till all life sparks are one", referring to a literal metaphysical process in that draft whereby one Transformer's life force could be passed on to another, presumably with the belief that they would all eventually be merged into a single afterlife. In the finalized story, it's just this kind of mystical phrase vaguely evoking concepts of togetherness and unity.

Transformers One brushes up against the phrase a couple of times. Alpha Trion almost says it at one point, when passing on his dead siblings' transformation cogs: "They were one. You are one. All are one!" Whatever that means. Later, Orion Pax starts a chant amongst the miners: "Together as one!" And finally, at the very end of the movie, during his obligatory film-ending monologue, Optimus Prime again goes: "And now, we stand here together... as one." (Half of Cybertron has just been banished to the surface forever.) "[...] Here, all are truly... Autobots." (Again, half of Cybertron- Optimus, what the fuck are you talking about?) Regardless, this is inexplicably the one instance where the movie doesn't twist itself up into knots trying to nail the exact phrasing.

Actually, there is one other sideways reference like this I can think of. Early in the film, Orion Pax is chatting up Elita, and he remarks, "Feel like I have enough power in my to drill down and touch Primus himself." To which Elita replies, "You don't have the touch or the power." This is kind of a nonsensical retort unless you know that in the 1986 movie, one of the most iconic songs on the soundtrack was "The Touch" by Stan Bush, which had the chorus line: "You got the touch! You got the power!" It's a banger. Anyway, remember when I said Darkwing gets chucked through an arcade cabinet? Well, here's Cooley revealing why that arcade cabinet is in the film:

I actually wrote [that exchange between Orion Pax and Elita] because I love that song. [...] And we had this one version where D-16 and Orion were playing a video game, like a stand-up old arcade game—it was inspired to look like that, but a Cybertonian version of that. They’re playing that together like friends and the song, like the 8-bit song that’s playing is ["The Touch"]. But that scene got nixed. And so I wanted to work it in there somewhere. And I just felt like a natural place for it. But that was one where I’m like, "I just love that song and those lyrics and that’s Transformers to me so I want to get that in there."

(I've had to amend that quote to fill in the blanks where the article has redacted "spoilers" for the movie. Spoiler culture is an absolute pox, I swear. Can't have the audiences knowing about one (1) mid joke in advance—the movie barely has enough jokes to fill a "Transformers One Funny Moments" compilation as it is!)

This actually isn't the first time Hasbro has "nixed" a reference to "The Touch" in major Transformers media. In the Transformers: Cyberverse episode "The Alliance", a character references "The Touch" right before a training montage which is clearly supposed to have the track playing, except instead it's been replaced by a generic rock instrumental, presumably because they couldn't afford the license. And in Daniel Warren Johnson's Eisner-award-winning bestselling comic run, there's one panel where he clearly wanted to include the song's lyrics as a sound effect, but wasn't allowed, so the final sound effect famously reads "YOU KNOW THE SONG". But that's a random episode of a bargain-bin cartoon, and an indie-darling comic series—not a $147 million blockbuster. You really have to wonder if it came down to money, or if it was something else. God knows Transformers One would not actually be improved for having a chiptune remix of "The Touch" in it, anyway.

The most egregious misplaced bit of fanwank in the film isn't even in dialogue. In the 1986 film, there's this one iconic moment when Optimus Prime arrives at the besieged Autobot City, drives through a crowd of Decepticons in truck mode, then fires some afterburners, launching his cab up into the air, where he transforms mid-leap, drawing his blaster to shoot a couple of Decepticons before hitting the ground. It's a fantastic bit of original animation. It's the Akira slide of Transformers. And, surprise surprise, it crops up in Transformers One. In the climactic final fight, Orion Pax shows up to save Megatron, and he does the thing.

But the problem is... he's not in truck mode! The film just cuts to him standing there in the middle of some anonymous mooks, then he does a standing jump into the air, the movie momentarily goes into extreme slow-mo like he's doing a fucking quick-time event, then he shoots a couple of guys and drops to the ground. There's no momentum. It exists purely to create that simulacrum, to take the single most iconic frame from that bit of 1986 animation, and stretch that one frame into infinity. The context is discarded, irrelevant. All that matters is that brief moment of recognition: "I know what that iiis!" God knows Transformers One has precious little in the way of impactful fight animation of its own; the choreography is stiff and uninspired, while the shots themselves are nauseatingly cluttered. Often, the best it can do is pilfer from older, better stories.

"Did you clap at any of the new moments and memorable characters?" "Were there any?"

Look, I get it. Transformers One is a prequel. By definition, it can't change the future. It has to play with the characters that are already in the toybox. But I do think it had this really special opportunity: to show theatregoers where the Transformers come from. To show us Cybertron not as a distant star or a barren scrapyard, but as a living, thriving alien world, unlike Earth, something special and worth protecting in its own right. Something new and memorable. In Rise of the Beasts—probably the best Transformers movie by default—when Optimus Prime is at his lowest, he wants nothing more to return home... but home is something we've only ever seen as a cold dystopia, ruled by Decepticons. The version of Transformers One I had hoped to see was one that would have imbued Optimus' homesickness with greater meaning. I wanted to feel his loss, and to hope that one day the war will end, and Cybertron can be restored.

I think Transformers One sincerely tries to achieve this effect. The concept artists have clearly put a great deal of time and thought into Cybertron as an environment. When the artbook comes out, I'm keen to see how much stuff didn't make it into the finished film. You have to assume most of it got cut, because there's next to nothing left!

At the end of the film, battle lines are drawn, the civil war is about to start... but strangely, the movie's setting does not convey the sense that anything beautiful is being lost. Nobody is unwillingly turned to violence, innocence-lost; they're all too eager to get to killing, friggin' Bumblebee is gleeful about it. There's no beautiful, iconic landmark, which gets tragically destroyed, like in some kind of Transformers 9/11—"What have we done! Where will this war take us!". There's no part of Cybertron's natural ecological environment to be ruined by the war, because the surface world is already turbofucked by the Quintessons to begin with. No, rather, we have the total opposite: Optimus Prime finding the Matrix (which was just, like, hanging out in the core of Cybertron or whatever) actually restores Energon to the planet, removing the unnatural scarcity which was the entire impetus behind the film's dystopia. He made Cybertron great again. So again, Transformers One fails to answer one of the most fundamental questions one might expect of a Transformers prequel: "When did things on Cybertron get so bad?" The movie ends with the planet in better shape to how it started!

The big original idea that Transformers One has is that Cybertron, the planet itself, should be in a constant state of transformation. I've already talked about the beautiful shapeshifting landscapes, but it's also the moving buildings, the complicated mechanisms, the roads and rails that magically lay themselves between the vehicles and their destinations. I've already mentioned how odd I find it that none of these environmental transformations have any significance to the story; the closest it comes to some sort of payoff is when Orion Pax falls into the hole that makes you king.

What I find most perplexing are the deer. When the gang makes it to the surface, the idea is to show the natural beauty of the surface, which the cogless have been denied their whole lives. The mountains glisten as they move. Nebulae glow in the night sky. The surface is blanketed in organic (?) plantlife, like a watering can forgotten in a garden. And, most strikingly, there are deer: mechanical animals, just like those found on Earth, being hunted for sport by the evil Quintessons. When the cruisers near, their glowing horns turn red with alarm, and they prance around in fear.

I'm reminded of a brief gag from the third season of Transformers: Cyberverse—one of very few shows to have devoted any serious effort to Cybertronian worldbuilding—in the episode "Thunderhowl". Bumblebee and Chromia stumble across a "singlehorn" (read: unicorn), and when it senses danger, it neighs, transforms into a rocket, and blasts out of frame. And apart from being really cute and funny, it's like, oh, of course that's what animals are like on Cybertron! Everything on this planet transforms. Why not the animals?

For whatever reason, the deer in Transformers One are like the one thing that don't transform. Why the hell not? If Cyberverse could find the budget for its split-second sight gag, surely this blockbuster could, I don't know, have them turn into dirt bikes with antler-handlebars. That would've been something, right? If not, then at least could we maybe see some other animals on Cybertron, to really get across that alien biodiversity? Of course not. See, the deer exist to communicate one very specific story beat: a single moment of trepidation, where the heroes know there's danger nearby, but they don't know what. And all you need for that is a single kind of prey animal, with some kind of warning light to let you know, hey, there's danger! Once this purpose is fulfilled, the deer have no further significance to the story.

We need only look to BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui to see this exact same beat play out with a modicum of competence and creative flair. Also in the second act—in fact, at practically the exact same timestamp—our heroes, the Toa, have a run-in with the bad guys, and they're nearly captured... but then there's this sudden rumble of danger approaching, we don't know what. It turns out to be a herd of giant Kikanalo! They send the bad guys packing, except they nearly trample our heroes too! But then, Toa Nokama's mask begins to glow, and she discovers that her mask grants her the ability to talk to animals. They learn some vital information from the Kikanalo, and are able to ride the creatures for the next stage of their adventure. Finally, when they can go no further, the Kikanalo cave in the passage behind the heroes to ensure they won't be pursued. Holy shit, that's like, five different story beats with just that one type of creature!

It's not just that Transformers One struggles with that kind of basic narrative flow, where a single element serves multiple purposes. It's that often, it wastes precious time creating redundant setups to achieve the same effect twice.

For example, Megatronus Prime's face happens to look exactly like (what we know will be) the Decepticon insignia. At the beginning of the movie, Orion Pax mollifies Megatron by giving him a rare decal of Megatronus Prime's face. Traditionally, Megatron wears his insignia in the middle of his chest—but in this film, nearly every character has a big hole in the middle of their chest, where their missing transformation cog should go. So Megatron sticks the decal on his shoulder instead.

Later, he gets a cog, and the hole in his chest is filled. When Sentinel Prime captures Megatron, he notices the Megatronus sticker, and rips it off. Then, he re-applies it on Megatron's chest—purely so it's in the "right" place for the iconography. And then, he uses his gun to crudely brand Megatron with a tracing of Megatronus' face, inadvertently creating the Decepticon symbol. Finally, in a post-credits scene, Megatron has fashioned a proper Decepticon brand with which to brand himself and his followers. So in effect, there are four separate moments where Megatron gets the symbol! Orion sticking it on his shoulder, Sentinel moving it to his chest, Sentinel mutilating him, and finally Megatron branding himself. You can make an argument that the symbol starts out meaning one thing, but ends up meaning another thing, which has a kind of tragic significance—but I think you would struggle to distinguish subtle shades of meaning from all four of these brandings. Considering the movie only has an hour and a half to work with, I find this lack of narrative economy to be honestly embarrassing.

(My friend Jo also points out what a misstep it is to just have Megatronus Prime's face perfectly resemble the Decepticon symbol from the start. Had it been a looser, more stylised—that is to say, original—design, the moment where Sentinel Prime roughly carves it into Megatron's chest could be a shocking reveal, as the basic outlines are abstracted and simplified. Gasp, that's the origin of the Decepticon symbol! Instead, from the very moment that sticker first shows up, it's like... oh, well, there it is I guess.)

In a similar vein, both Optimus Prime and Megatron undergo two different transformations at different points in the movie: first, when Alpha Trion gives them transformation cogs, and second, when respectively they obtain the Matrix of Leadership/Megatronus' cog. The gun that sprouts from Megatron's arm in his intermediary form bears a much closer to resemblance to his iconic "fusion cannon" than the triple-barrelled cannon he ends up with in his final form. Again, in such a short film, can we really say whatever subtlety this brings to Megatron's arc is worth all this fanfare? Now, Redditors ask: "What is the EXACT moment D-16 became Megatron?"

In fact, probably the only point of criticism I've seen levied at Transformer One from within the Transformers fandom at large is that Megatron's arc is maybe a little "rushed". He starts out being best bros forever with Orion Pax, and by the end of the film, he's ready to drop the guy into a bottomless pit. The film takes a lot of time to justify his anger at Sentinel Prime, but the deterioration of his friendship with Orion goes much more unspoken, and is framed more as a point of irrationality: psychologically, Megatron comes to conflate his bossy friend with his oppressive ruler. I liked this, personally. I liked that it's as if a switch gets flipped in Megatron's head. But you do just kind of have to buy into it. The film itself does not put in the work to really sell you on the friendship souring, because again, it's too busy fucking around with two (2) magical girl transformation sequences for each of them.

Everything in the film is like this. They go into the cave and meet Alpha Trion, then leave the cave so they can watch a FMV cutscene with Sentinel Prime and the Quintessons, who've coincidentally arrived at that exact moment, basically just to rehash what they've just been told... and then they go back into the cave so Alpha Trion can resume his infodump, and then they end up clashing with Sentinel Prime's forces once that's done. At the beginning of the movie, they're at the very bottom in the mines, then they get banished to an even lower level, then they banish themselves all the way up to the surface, then they return to Iacon, and then Megatron gets banished to the surface again so he can be mesmerized by the beauty of the world and/or get gunched by Quintessons depending on what the film wanted me to take away from this. Compare to Minecraft but I survive in PARKOUR CIVILIZATION [FULL MOVIE], where the theme of class struggle is pretty efficiently depicted in the vertically-stratified setting.

I just find it so wasteful. Outside of the one scene where they're introduced, the Quintessons—ostensibly the true architects of Cybertron's oppressive status quo—may as well not exist. If not for Orion Pax addressing his closing remarks to the Quintessons, almost as an afterthought, I'd assume the film wants us to forget about them entirely, as it knows full well that its paltry runtime does not give it time for a second action-climax against the aliens. Even as sequel bait, it feels halfhearted at best; Josh Cooley is clearly already bored of Transformers, and seems unlikely to come back for another round unless the money is really really good (which *glances at the box office* it's not). So what the fuck are the Quintessons here for? Was the idea that Sentinel might just have pulled off his coup singlehandedly really so hard to stomach? Could the conspiracy not have been simplified to just involve Sentinel and his Transformer cronies? Hang on, are all the Transformers seen at the start of the film in on it, or just some of them? How's it decided who keeps their cogs and who doesn't?

VI. Into nothing

Why does this movie, where the main selling point is ostensibly that we're getting to see Transformers civilization for the first time, mostly focus on all these guys who can't fucking transform? Surely the entire thing that makes the setting fun is the Zootopia angle of, look, they're all different animals! Or the Elemental angle of, look, they're all different elements! Or the Emoji Movie angle of, look, they're all different emoji! Or the Cars angle of, look, they're all different cars! This is a Transformers film which features several significant sequences involving these cool trains, and there is absolutely zero indication that these trains are themselves Transformers. This is a Transformers film which extensively focuses on miners, and none of them transform into mining vehicles; they're holding, friggin', space jackhammers. Even the premise of "isn't it sad that these ones can't transform" is kind of undercut by the fact that all the miners get to wear fucking jetpacks, which is a frankly much cooler and more effective method of locomotion than driving.

I'm just sick of Transformers stories having zero interest in the basic premise of Transformers, which is to say, they transform into something. I also think this is the biggest dissonance between casual audiences, who think "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, that guy who turns into a truck", and Transformers fans, who think, "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, the messiah or something". Normal people love to know what the Transformers turn into. They ask, "Wait, is there a Transformer that turns into [insert silly vehicle here]?" Of course people are interested in that angle! Vehicles are such a huge part of our daily lives—honestly, for those of us living in cities, more so than animals, the classical elements, or emoji—but the closest Transformers One comes to engaging with this lens is that aforementioned Iacon 5000 race sequence. By and large, it presents a world which is made for standing up and walking around. And personally I do think that's an insane approach to take?

Is the excuse that cars can't emote? Nonsense. If you've ever seen a traffic jam, you'll know that cars can sure as hell emote. Pixar, where Josh Cooley cut his teeth, famously spent a lot of time working out how to put a facial expression on a car. No, the problem dates back to the very start of the franchise.

In the 1980s, two main people were responsible for writing the comic stories: American writer Bob Budiansky, and British writer Simon Furman. Budiansky approached the premise of the franchise from an external, human perspective, writing about culture clash, and taking delight in the Transformers' mechanical alien nature as "robots in disguise". Meanwhile, Furman wrote the Transformers as giant people: he focused on their own internal conflicts and motivations, and the grand history of their war. Pretty much every Transformers story ever told can be boiled down to one of these schools of thought: Budianskyist, or Furmanist.

Budiansky quit the comic after fifty issues, allowing Furman to take the reigns as sole writer, and Furman basically got the final word on what the Transformers are. They did not evolve from naturally-occurring gears, levers and pulleys. They were not designed by a supercomputer, or built by an alien race. They are the chosen sons of God. The Thirteen are, of course, an invention of Furman's. And Transformers One is perhaps the most Furmanist story ever told. It's the culmination of years and years of lore building up, ossifying into something you can no longer describe as the history of a universe—no, this is a mythology. It's the most perfect form of brand alignment imaginable: this is not an origin story, this is the origin story. It's been the origin story for a better part of the decade—and now that everyone's seen it in theatres, it will be the origin story forever.

It's not just the fiction, either, by the way. These days, if you go into the store to buy a Transformers toy, chances are it'll turn into some misshapen made-up futuristic concept car with unpainted windows and wheels that don't even roll—and that's terrible.

There's truly a lot to hate about Michael Bay's Transformers films, but with each new entry that's released following his departure from the franchise, I feel like I only find myself appreciating them more. In the 2007 Transformers movie, we see the Transformers crash-landing on Earth in their "protoforms", and their movements are animated like they're shy, like they're naked until they scan an Earth vehicle and adopt a disguise. The visual impact of Megatron, meanwhile, is that he doesn't adopt a disguise in that movie: he's a horrible metal skeleton that turns into a jet made of knives. It's weird and alien and it rules.

In the 1980s Transformers cartoon, and in the last-minute Cybertron-set prologue added to Bumblebee, and now in Transformers One, the Transformers look basically the same on Cybertron as they eventually do upon their arrival to Earth. Optimus Prime turns, unmistakably, into a truck. He has windows on his chest, and smokestacks on his arms. He doesn't have these features because he disguises himself as an Earth truck. He has those details because that's just what Optimus Prime looks like. They're his "essential brand elements", or "trademark details", which "identify the must-have elements in character design to be carried across all creative expressions". Prime may take any form he wishes, so long as it looks exactly like himself. A mask of my own face—I'd wear that.

What I find fucked up about the reception towards Transformers One is that a lot of people seemed very invested in its success—and not its popular success, certainly not its artistic success, but rather its commercial success. They wanted this to be the first film to make one bumblebillion dollars. They wanted Hasbro to line its fucking pockets and make movies like this forever. So if you express any kind of negativity towards this film online, which might theoretically affect some other person's decision of whether or not to go and see it, which might theoretically affect the profit it makes at the cinema, which might theoretically affect the future of the franchise in some unknown way, then you're some sort of fandom traitor who oughta be executed.

If you're so worried about the future of the franchise, the fandom really isn't where you should be looking. Like, c'mon, the Transformers fandom has been good as gold, we buy so many toys. Meanwhile, Hasbro just got finished laying off around 100 employees with no warning to make their books look a bit better. Transformers designer John Warden—who'd worked at Hasbro for 25 years, is widely credited with inventing the modern paradigm of Transformers toylines, and ultimately became the creative director of both Transformers and G.I. Joe—was on assignment to a convention in the UK with the rest of the Transformers team when he heard the news. Suffice to say, he did not end up making a public appearance at the convention. With his work's health insurance snatched away without notice, he's had to resort to crowdfunding to pay his family's medical bills. As a well-known figure in the toy industry, he will presumably find a new job and land on his feet, but the same cannot be said for all 99 of the remaining employees we're told have been unceremoniously dumped.

The Binder of Revelation, which has been something of a holy grail of behind-the-scenes material for over a decade, has finally been leaked—presumably by one of these guys, presumably out of spite.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to have been paying particularly close attention to Hasbro's financials, but from where I'm sitting, it sure seems that ever since the sudden death of then-CEO Brian Goldner in 2021—credited for saving the company in 2000, and overseeing the explosive growth of its intellectual property ever since then—his replacement, Chris P. Cocks (or "Crispy Cocks", as we're all now calling him), has been dead set on gutting the company for all it's worth. The Power Rangers franchise, which the company acquired for $522 million in 2018, is dead in the water, with huge quantities of physical assets being flogged at auction for quick cash. In 2019, they acquired the entertainment company eOne for $4.0 billion, and now they're selling off the whole shebang (except the cash-printing Peppa Pig franchise) for just $500 million. I guess maybe they just fucked it big style?

Because now, Crispy Cocks has proudly announced that Hasbro is going to stop financing movies altogether.

I'm sure that in the wake of this announcement, many of those aforementioned fandom pundits will be drawing a correlation between this announcement, and the box-office figures for Transformers One, and the fact that you personally failed to convince your Mom to go see it with you or whatever. "Ah, you see! They didn't make enough of their money back, and now they're consolidating. Simple economic cause and effect. Market forces." And look, I'm not going to sit here and claim these things are wholly unrelated. Of course they're very related. But I am going to make the case that, in truth, nobody at Hasbro really cared how Transformers One did. Unless it turned out to be some pie-in-the-sky runaway hit, I don't think the future of the Transformers film franchise would've been particularly different if only the film had done better.

With Paramount, Hasbro has been making these movies and having them underperform ever since 2017's The Last Knight—which apparently lost Paramount $100 million—and that's because at the end of the day, what they're most interested in isn't making movies. It's making toy commercials. And on that level, the Transformers films have clearly been a success so far.

Now, Crispy Cocks' skinsuit fashions itself as a gamer, so he can personify Hasbro's hardcore pivot towards digital and tabletop gaming. While we await the release of the assuredly-dogshit, assuredly-hell-to-have-worked-on, assuredly-never-coming-out Transformers: Reactivate, the brand has been whored out to a procession of mobile games you've never heard of, glorified gambling machines designed to hack the monkey part of your brain with bright colors and Things You Recognize. The exact content of these games is irrelevant; all that matters is the announcement, on every single pop culture news outlet simultaneously (naturally—they're all owned by the same company, talk about Monopoly), of New Collaboration Between Transformers And Goon Warriors Free To Download Now. Your daily, weekly, bi-annual reminder to think about that thing you can buy.

That's all any of this stuff is.

All these words spilled about what a good movie Transformers One is, and how bad it is, and why the marketing failed it, and what the next one might be like, and- none of it mattered! It does not matter. From the beginning, this movie was always going to be too preoccupied with its own mercenary interests to be something anyone would ever be able to seriously talk about as a work of art, even corporate art. The actual content of the movie is irrelevant; I've spent very little of this review talking about it, because there's nothing there to talk about. It is the mere fact of the movie's existence that serves its purpose. Like the Optimus Prime Fortnite skin, it's enough for it to occupy our attention.

Maybe that's why they staggered the film's release date: because some marketing exec watched the rough cut and realised, if everyone saw it at once, we'd be done talking about it within a fortnight. And in ten years' time, after it has been paraded around whichever streaming services survive 'til then, and nearly every last cent of revenue has been squeezed out of it, the kids will be able to watch it on YouTube with ad breaks, and decide what they want for Christmas.

To the Transformers fans reading this, I am begging you, unless you happen to own shares in Hasbro for some fucking reason, to disabuse yourself of the feeling that you owe any kind of loyalty to a toy franchise. It shouldn't matter to you one jot how Transformers One did in theatres. The people who actually make the product you care about, the friendly faces paraded before you on livestreams and press tours, don't see this money anyway—they too are merely assets, who can be fired and replaced with cheaper, inferior equivalents.

I'm sure many of you will have, from the very start, seen this review for the foolish endeavour it is. I've wasted all this time criticising Transformers One for its lack of artistic vision, when the truth is, Transformers One is playing an entirely different game. Like the Disney Channel running "Fishy Facts!" segments to subliminally get kids interested in fish a full year and a half before the release of Finding Nemo, this is not a product—it's an ad for a product.

...

Okay I'll be honest, I don't entirely love where this review has ended up. It ends on kind of a "bummer note", I guess you could say. Flashing back to sections I. and II., I feel like things started out so fun. We had that whole bit at the start where I was telling you about the Transformers, remember that? We learned so much together. And there were even a few moments where I was able to express some kind of sincere joy and appreciation over this thing that I supposedly adore so much. Sure, I did a lot of complaining, but it was fun complaining, right? It had like, a sarcastic edge to it, sort of.

What happened? Why am I suddenly talking like I want to cut someone's head off? As I grow more bitter, I type this essay with increasing difficulty. The massive gun that's sprouted from my forearm keeps colliding with my monitor.

Hasbro descends from on high to reward @TFHypeGuy, a grown-ass adult who has spent untold unpaid hours fearlessly replying to every single viral tweet to tell people to go see the film, somehow netting himself 80,000 followers in the process, with a crate of toys, which was probably his end goal from the start. He and I duel. We trade blow after blow. Finally, he clobbers me with a Walmart-exclusive light-up Ultimate Energon Optimus Prime figure. "It didn't have to end this way," he says. Then he banishes me to the surface world to think on my sins.

VII. The Wrong Trousers 👖 | Train Chase Scene 🚂 | Wallace & Gromit

When Eric Pearson came onto the project,

It was late middle of the game. They had a script that had the outline of the story, which is still very much the structural bones of the story now. But what I found interesting about animation is there are certain things that were far along in the process. The train escape to the surface was very far along, so that was just kind of locked. Maybe you could change a line here or there. Meanwhile, the opening, the whole first 10 minutes, was all storyboards and sketches, which changed a bunch of times.

And I do think that's a really difficult position for a scriptwriter to be in. Sure, the parts of the screenplay I feel able to attribute to Pearson, I wasn't particularly impressed by. But I think this anecdote goes to show how unnatural the constraints can be on a story like this. When you think of like, a scene that's key to Transformers One, you're probably imagining something like the Megatron/Optimus fight, or the scene in the mine—not the train scene, which is basically a bit of arbitrary connective tissue bridging the two main locations in the film.

Josh Cooley, the film's director, the face of the film on the press circuit from a creative standpoint, came onboard after five years of previous development work was already done. Writers Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari, who originally pitched the film and presumably wrote the early drafts of the story, might have already left the project by that point. Aaron Archer and Rik Alvarez, the creative forces behind the Binder of Revelation, left Hasbro years before the film was even pitched. It's no wonder to me that the final result feels incoherent, disjointed, and oddly stilted. It's certainly no wonder that nobody at Hasbro today really seems to care about the film; it's not their baby. If any of the people credited with bringing the project to completion had been given full creative freedom to make whatever Transformers movie they wanted, it would've looked completely different.

Luckily, there are still plenty of areas of the franchise where creators have just been allowed to go ham. Over in Japan, TRIGGER has taken a modest budget for a music-video and produced one of the most visually-striking bits of animation in the franchise, a true love-letter to all the weird parts of its forty-year history. And in America, comic creator Daniel Warren Johnson is halfway through his Eisner-winning new run on the title, which is the kind of thing I would basically recommend to anyone without caveats as being a phenomenal story, period. If that comic can be said to be an advert for anything, it's for Skybound's other, nowhere-near-as-good comic series, or for the unofficial unlicensed copyright-infringing Magic Square Optimus Prime toy Daniel Warren Johnson apparently used as reference the whole time.

I dunno, maybe Hasbro stepping back from financing these films is a good thing, in the long run. Maybe we can do without Transformers movies for a while. And however many years down the line, maybe Paramount or some other studio will put together a new team of talent, and they'll get to do whatever it is they want. And maybe the movie they make will be the one that knocks everyone's socks off.

Truly, I don't know where the road leads from here. It hasn't been built yet. It could turn out to go anywhere.

If you made it this far, I hope some of what I've said has been entertaining or interesting. Thanks for reading!

Time to for me to come clean. There is one other reason why I've waited so long to release this review... and that's because I have a special announcement to make. Last month I set myself a little challenge: to write something that's at least as long as this review, but which isn't another negative-nancy tirade. It's a story.

The working title is "Ice Road Transformers". It's like an episode of that one reality TV show about Canadians driving trucks across frozen lakes—except the truck is Optimus Prime.

Early reviews say it's good! It'll be going through several rounds of revisions, to turn it into a well-oiled machine, hopefully in time for a seasonally-appropriate wide release in February. I'm very excited for you to be able to read it. You can follow me here or on Bluesky to be the first to find out when it's ready!

I'd like to thank my friends Jo and Umar for their work interviewing Cooley and di Bonaventura during the film's press circuit, along with Viv, Callum, and Omar for allowing me to enjoy this film much more than I otherwise might have. I wouldn't have been able to express many of my feelings about this movie nearly so cogently if not for the conversations I had with them. Additional thanks go to Chris McFeely, as his Transformers: The Basics videos (linked throughout this essay) refreshed my memory on a lot of the Aligned stuff, sparing me from having to read The Covenant of Primus again.