#maybe its just cuz i can ignore those but suicidal thoughts - not so much

[fruitypieq]

Also I think I'm gonna stay offline (or at least not scroll) for a while bc all those "Don't kill yourself!!!!" posts are having the opposite effect on me for some reason

[walkietalkiemaniac]

id been extraordinarily bad for the last 2 weeks. doing very poorly mentally, strangely emotionally unstable, my normal numbness turning suicidal to anger to chest crushing sadness in a single hour type of bad. and my roommate noticed too of course cuz i was like a walking hurricane. so she, well meaning, tried to check on me even more, which was making me So irrationally mad. half the time id force an "im fine how about you" thru grit teeth, half the time i just said "bad", i was snapping at her and apologizing, it was terrible. she kept saying she knew i wasnt trying to be a dick and was doing bad but it repeated like 5 times in 2 weeks.

so last saturday i go for a walk, i harness all my calmness i can, i invite her to come drink chocolate milk with me, tell her i need to talk to her about 2 things: i tell her im sick of blowing up at her and apologizing and i feel really out of control bad (she assures me again that she understands), and it might be better if she waited for me to come to her and gave me some space to figure it out. second is, even when im at my most stable i dont react well to "anger bait" regardless, so if she could maybe not send me those id be thankful.

at first she takes it well, im thinking ill manage to converse for like 5 minutes and FUCK OFF. but then a, completely ignorable, remark goes serious and she starts going OFF on her grievances with me. and i felt like i got blindsided so hard because it was really heavy stuff she had been holding in. it was such foundational things too i remember going "if youve been feeling this way about me half the time how did you even tolerate being my friend, genuinely? like what do you even enjoy about our time" and it was wild. i apologized of course, like what can you even do when someone tells you youve disrespected them and upset them to THIS degree all this time. i told her ive never meant to make her feel that way and i was sorry for it, i would try to change my tone and avoid doing the same. i asked her to tell me the moment she sees me doing that (id asked her of any specific examples of this, she didnt have any) cuz im nothing if not methodical. but there was not much else i could say because i explained my intentions and apologized for the parts i didnt intend on. im still reeling because i genuinely cant understand how it can even happen.

and im trying not to be hung up on this, i really am, but its not lost on me she said she reached all these conclusions in the week before, as i was doing the worst i possibly can, and decided to air them out on the moment i came to her with carefully thought out communication. like okay. this is how most people roll. but i thought her better

[mariaiscrafting]

You know, what think I like when you are critical of a content creator is that you know how to separate a fact from especulation, unlike a blog out there that took especulation as facts.

Example, that night when we were critical of Karl, or any instance you have discussed about him, a lot of anons were saying that he gave them clout chaser vibes to them, and despite your opinion, you expressed that those were only especulation and not the truth, and to keep that in mind. That's good critical thinking.

But this blog had some similar anons, saying that he only is friends with the Feral Boys gro clout- In fact, they said the Feral Boys were only in it to benefit from clout and money. And they took it as a truth. I know you instance on them is neutral, but come one, they are friends. All of them. Karl isn't friends with them for clout. Like today Karl was playing golf with salad gang plus Sapnap and George at first and then Quackity and Dream joined bc they had spared time and it all devolved into typical chaos (Poor Corpse and Tina and Brook, had to endure those children lol/lh /j). Like, the stream wasn't planned with the 5/5 yet they joined, missing Karl and just having fun.

Idk, I guess that blog's superiority (They were a SBI focused blog) just irritated me. It's as if they were putting both groups at each other as if those streamers aren't friends or close. They were singing prayers of one while shunning the other based from especulation. Criticissism is fine, in fact recommended to be critical of your interests, but taking rumors as facts to base your crit is yikes. It's as if I wanted to crit SBI and base it only of "Philza hanging only with people younger than him is kinda weird ngl.." or "Sbi doesn't care about Tommy cuz he joined late" like that dumb Tumblr post did or some fuckers in Twitter imply.

The main reason I take so much care to separate speculation from evidence-backed theories and confirmed truths is because I feel like that separation is what distinguishes us from mcyttwt the most. One of the main reasons for mcyttwt's toxicity, imo - for its relentless cancelling of everyone, for its bandwagon campaigns - is that people oftentimes criticize and defend based on their personal feelings rather than rationale or evidence.

For example, I complain a lot about Dream stans on here, but you know the reason I didn't stop watching Dream directly after the cheating scandal broke loose, even though I thought he cheated? Because of mcytblr Dream stans. Mcytblr Dream stans engaged with me in discussion, both publicly and in DMs, about the cheating scandal, and even those who eventually came to the conclusion that Dream didn't cheat accepted the facts and statistics they were given and kept a healthy skepticism throughout the process. On Twitter, Dream stans were defending him before he even made a video following up to the mods' initial accusations because they felt that Dream wasn't the kind of guy to lie or cheat. They were replying to screenshots of statistical analyses from subreddits and to articles from mathematicians and staticians with extremely reactionary responses because of that feeling, which they believed in so adamantly, they had accepted it as fact. The thing is, to believe that Dream didn't cheat in the face of all the statistical and rhetorical evidence to the contrary is, in itself, speculative. Usually we think of speculation as a baseless theory that something is a positive truth- that is to say, that something did happen. But speculation also applies to those theories of someone not having done something, when the opposite has been nearly proven to be true.

For this same reason, I chose not to ignore the anti-technotwt threads with screenshots of Techno's old tweets in them. For me to have simply ignored these screenshots and continued supposing that Techno never expressed bigoted beliefs and/or currently doesn't would have been speculative on my part, and to boot, blatantly wrong, given the evidence to the contrary.

People in this fandom, and in all RPF/RPF-adjacent fandoms need to understand that almost everything they believe about the CCs they watch is speculative, at least to some extent, because of the nature of the content they make. Even if someone, in your opinion, displays evidence of some aspect of their personality - whether that be some form of bigoted, sweet, rude, clout-chasing, or anything else - because of the extremely one-sided nature of sharing one's life through a screen, that theory of ours will almost alwyas only ever be speculation, not a solid conclusion that can be drawn. We will never know these people's true intentions behind something shared to us via the Internet.

That vagueness leads to virtually every viewer creating a different theory in our heads about the CCs we watch, and we can't treat those theories as facts, especially not when sharing them with the rest of a fandom. I'm not a very big blog, but I consider even over 50 followers to be way too many people to spread a theory too, without at least clarifying that what I'm posting is speculation. If I have evidence, I like to list it or, if I can, provide sources; but otherwise, I take care to qualify most things with phrases or disclaimers that will clue followers into the speculative nature of whatever it is I'm saying. This is because theories and "feelings" can blaze through a fandom like wildfire, especially somewhere like Twitter, where so many things are word-of-mouth or based on summary due to character limitation.

You know why mcyttwt was cancelling Andi? Only a handful of original Tweeters under the cancel Andi hashtags actually knew what clips or tweets to criticize her for, or tried to elaborate on that criticism. But because every other mcyttwt user was getting bombarded by their mutuals hate-posting about Andi on their TLs, the "negative feeling" towards Andi grew and grew, even if most people didn't even know what they were supposed to feel negative about, exactly. Our judgement works on a quick trigger on the Internet because of the amount of information we're receiving, and so, even a single bad word against someone you don't have too strong of an opinion on can fundamentally alter your perception of them, usually subconsciously. If the first thing you see about Andi, who you've only seen on a couple LOH's or a couple Punz streams before then, is a tweet along the lines of, "disappointed in Andi for her homophobia and joking about suicide," despite you having no context, you will most likely be pushed to the negative side of her. Thus begins the cycle of hatred, building up and up, leading to you searching for more and more criticism about Andi, whether speculative or not, until you solidly and genuinely believe she is a Horrible Person. It all starts with the vaguest fucking feeling, because that's all speculation has to go off of, and it snowballs into a fucking wildfire across an entire fandom. I'm not about to be another person to let feelings snowball and spread like that.

Now, I don't know what exact blog you're referring to, but as an adamant SBI enthusiast, let me flip the argument many SBI stans have for their speculation upon the genuity of Karl's friendship with the Feral Bois, onto SBI. What do we have to go off of for the genuity of SBI's friendship, anyways? Our perceived brother dynamic between Tommy and Wilbur could very well just be Tommy capitalizing on Wilbur's brand and continuing the charade until now because it's been profitable. Maybe Techno only continues to associate with SBI because he knows how much his fanbase likes headcanon'ing about SBI, so he puts up with streams with them so he can continue to feed his fanbase with dynamics he knows they're obsessed with. Maybe Phil would rather play MC with people his age, and actually dislikes that he's friends with a teenager, but sticks around because he profitted so much off of Dream SMP and SBI-related content. And what could any SBI stan have to argue with me on any of these theories? Just because SBI laughs around each other and seems fond of each other doesn't mean they're actually like that behind the cameras. They so seldomly stream or make videos together anymore, anyways, so maybe they've grown tired of keeping up the dynamic.

Everything I said could be interpreted as utter bullshit, and that's because it fucking is. I don't actually know what Techno wants to do with his life, or how Wilbur and Tommy actually feel about each other, or who Phil wants to fucking befriend. The same goes for Feral Boys. There's nothing wrong with stating your theories or speculation, but to treat them as fact or not at least qualify such posts with the fact that this is all based on your bias and opinion, and no substantive evidence, is irresponsible. Just because you feel like one or more of the Feral Boys is "clout-chasing" doesn't mean you have the right to tout that feeling as truth. I feel a lot of things about a lot of CCs, both negative and positive, but no matter how strong my feelings, unless they have substantive evidence backing them up, I have no right to treat them as facts with my followers.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Artie falls in love with you / Arthur Fleck short story

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts, sex, drunk Arthur, romantic, sweet

“How...how many kisses?“

Arthur was lying on the couch, burying his face in the pillow. The two of you went out on a date for the third time today and you were truly in love with him.

“Just tell me sweetheart, how many?“ He mumbled. The couple glasses of wine werent a good idea considering that he was on his medication and was never really drunk before. You felt kinda bad about his condition right now. But you really tried to get him out of his apartment and did choose a good restaurant to finally get him to eat something. He never ate propery and looked kinda starved. Also a side effect of his meds. You felt good, watching him eating half a plate today, so you ordered some wine,too.

You kneed in front of the couch to made sure he's comfortable, petting his soft, sweaty curls “What do you mean?“

He smirked at you “How many smoochies will I get from you tonight?“ His face lighted up looking at you. His childlike grin made your knees weak every time.

You kept on playin with his hair “Many,Arthur.“

“But how much?“

He tried to get up and kiss you on the cheek, making kissing noises and almost fell from the couch “Oooops“ he buried his face in your neck “I almost fell. Good thing I fell in your arms,huh?“ His breath felt hot against your skin. The smell of his hair felt like home. “Yeah Arthur, I'm afraid you're a bit drunk.“

Arthurs smile grew even more “I'm not drunk. I just love you so much and need to know how many?“ A sloppy kiss on the corner of your lips.

“Countless,Artie.“

He sunk back into his pillow “Wow, thats a lot!“

You took the blankets and covered him with it “Just try to get some sleep,okay? You will get all the kisses when you're sober again“.

He crawled up under the sheets, his beautiful face lookin slightly weathered. “Hey (YN) wanna hear a Joke? “

“Sure“

“So this man comes into an libary“ he chuckles in his pillow already.

"...and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.

And the libarian said  Fuck off, you won`t bring it back"

He can`t help but laugh about his own joke. His dark homor said more about himself than you wanted to admit but you were very drawn to his view of things. He always seemed to feel everything with an intensivity you have never seen on someone else before. Eighter if he was happy or sad. When you met him he told you he never felt happy in his whole life but you felt like it changed dramatically since you dated. Knowing that he was all alone by himself, expect from living with his mother his whole life still breaks your heart. Never have you met someone more caring. He loves to make late night conversations while cuddeling up under the blankets, about everything that was going on in his head. Sometimes he had troubles explaining what he was trying to say but you loved his way of observing things around him. He payed attention wo every datail. You admired him, which he couldnt understand. He loved to be seen and he loved that you listened to him carefully. But he still wasnt sure why you loved him so much. You guess he wasnt used to this kind of attantion.

"Thats a good one,Arthur!"

He was getting sleepy "Yeah... you know what (YN) there are many more jokes in my journal, you know? I want you to read it. "

"The jokes?"

"The whole thing"

His eyes got heavier now.

"There are not only jokes in it" his eyes tried to focus on you "I was writing about you,too.I want you to read it"

Your hand slit under the blanket to caress his chest "About me? Really?"

"Yeah" the scar on his upper lip liftet when he did that smirk and it always made you blush. He even managed to make you blush while lying drunk on the couch. You felt kinda bad by getting turned on seeing him in this condition.

"I dont know Arthur, I feel like this is kinda personal. I dont want to disturb your privacy by reading your journal.

"Just do it!"

"Artie, you`re drunk. What if you dont want me to read it anymore in the morning?"

He was leaning  over to give you sloppy kisses again "Thats why I want you to read it now." He was pointing his finger at you "Hey, wanna hear another one?"

You gave him a soft kiss on his forehead "Get some sleep, Arthur. You need to rest now"

He falls back into the pillow and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

After you made sure he fell asleep you looked at his diary. He really said he wanted you to read it. And that he wrote about you.

You werent sure if you should take a look. This felt so personal. On the other hand... You were more than curious about what he might thought of you. You just started dating and had your first kiss some days ago. He was a really good kisser. You guessed he didnt really knew what to do at first but he was so emotionally involved. He seemed to soak up every second of the moment. Like he really wanted this. He was right there in the moment with you, which you loved.After the kiss he confessed that he never was with a woman before and you think he was a bit ashamed about it. But he still wanted you to know. You didnt mind. You thought it was cute actually. And you wanted nothing more than being his first. You would love him all night. Like he deserved to be loved.

Another stare at his diary. You put my hands on the cover. Arthur Fleck case number 064823. Sure he had some problems. But you wanted the both of you  to figure them out together. You wanted to hold his hand when he was in the waiting room to attent his appointments. You still werent sure what the exact diagnose was. You didnt wanted to upset him by asking too much about it. But you knew that he took anti depressants and anti psychotics.

You opened the first page of his diary. Some jokes, really dark ones. Mostly about death.

You turned the pages. Observations about homeless people. More dark jokes. Sad thoughts about being left alone.  You didnt really read all of it cuz it still felt like you were disturbing his privacy. So you tried to find the pages which are written about you and searched for your name to pop up and there is was.

Your name was written in big, red letters that looed like lipstick. With a big smiley. Your heart jumped out of my chest when you saw it. There was something so cute about it and you imagined him drawing this the night, after you met.

You took a deep breath and started to read as your hands were shaking.

"Today I met the sweetest girl. She was new in my neighborhood and seemed to be different from all those aweful bricks here in Gotham. She has a nice smile. An authentic one. Not like my own smile, which is never authentic for so many reasons. I dont even know what a real smile is. But when I saw her , I smiled and for the first time in my entire life  it felt like a real smile.

So she had those big packages to carry and i was just standing there, staring at her and suddenly she asked me for help. I was never been asked for help before. People tend to ignore and avoid me a lot. So I was very pleased to help her with her packages. We got into an conversation and I told her a joke. And she was laughing. I love it when people laugh at my jokes. I mean, I wanna do stand up comedy so bad. I need people to think that I`m funny. And I know I am. ---smiley face---

Anyway, I felt like finally someone sees me. The next day she came up to me when I was about to get to th pharmacy and she asked me out on a date. I couldnt belive it at first. I have never been on a date before. I was kinda nerveaus. Why would a beautiful, young woman like she is go out with me?

Of course I said yes.

I was dreaming about this for so long. Maybe she could be my girlsfriend. This would be a dream come true. I already told her that I have some issues, because she asked me why I was going to the city and I didnt thought twice and told her I have to buy my anti psychotics. I know that this wasnt a good move but it seems like it didnt scare her away. Well, she doesnt know how bad it really is by now.

I really hope that this time she is real and I`m not having visions or daydreams again.

Sometimes its hard to tell.

Some days I even think the meds make it even worse. But at the same time I am afraid to go off my meds. I did it once and I did some bad shit. I even ended up in Arkham for a very long time. Which wasnt that bad really.

Sometimes I think I felt better when I was locked up.

Not being able to leave my room, being with my thoughts all day, drifting away in daydreams gives me comfort. Its like ignoring the cold, dark world outside. The world doesnt care about me anyway. So why should I? The sad thing is, I still do care. I thought about ending my own life so amny times. Almost every day. But I never really tried it. Its just a game I play with myself.

How long? How long until it is not a game anymore?

How long till I have the guts to do it?

Oh man, I`m drifting away again. I wanted to talk about the GIRL!!!

She`s gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

I wish I could kiss her. I`m 35 and I hadnt had my first kiss yet. Its TIME!

I tried it once with this girls from scool i was in love with but I got so nerveaus that I started to laugh at her face and she thought I was laughing at her. Yeah well... she ended up punching me in the face and I never tried it ever since.

But I dreamed about it a lot. How would it feel to have someones lips pressed against yours? Softly and intense. To taste someones tongue in your mouth, to just melt into each other.I would never stop. I feel like a kiss is a connection on a higher level and I really wanna experience it with someone.

I got some other fantasies,too.

They`re pretty dirty and I dont feel like I can talk about them right now.

So i`m gonna quit writing for today and hope that the girl isnt already sick of me.

You turned the page and took a look at Arthur. He was humming in his sleep. Looking peaceful. All the words in his diary overwhelmed you up to a point where you didnt know what to think anymore. You hoped he enjoyed his first kiss. You really hoped your kiss was worth the wait.

The next page was just black scribbles all over the pages. Little drawings of people and cats. A lot of cats.

The next page was written on again.

"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling. I was miserable andthe darkness was caving in on me. But then I thought about the girls I just met and that she really seemed to like me. So I decited not to kill myself. Not today."

You thought about putting the diary aside. This was a lil too much for you. You didnt knew he was in such a dark place mentally. You were kinda scared but  couldnt stop reading eighter.

"So...I remembered her kiss, my first kiss and this memory was so strong. I am sure it wasnt just imagined. This time I am sure it was real. It has to be. I wanted to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and started to touch myself while thinking of her. Maybe I should write her a love letter. Or bring her flowers. Or both. I think I`ll do both. Anyway, I touched myself while thinking about sleeping with her and I finally felt something again. I tried so many times but my meds wouldnt let me cum. It barely happens. Thinking about her kiss, her hands in my hair, on my thights, between my legs.... and her sweet voice on my ear helped me a lot. I felt passion and  love and  I came so hard, you wouldnt even wanna know. I hope Penny was asleep and didnt noticed anything. This would be embarrassing as hell. I surely made some noises.

I imagined that I took her hand and made her dance all through the living room to Frank Sinatra songs and we got closer and kissed. She told me how much she loved me and how much she wanted me. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so hard, all my make up smeared up on her beautiful face. I am always wearing clown make up in my sexual fantasies. It makes me more confident.  

She just grabbed me and took my clothes off, threw them all over the room, threw me on the bed and covered my body with kisses. I felt loved for the first time in my life and all I wanted was to be inside her. To wear her like a coat that keeps me warm. I imagined her being on top of me, whispering in my ear how much she wants me to fuck her.  And yeah I know in reality she would have dominated me for sure. But in my imagination I just got on top of her and made love to her till she was out of breath. I could almost feel her breath in my neck, feel her sweet, soft hands all over me. It was just so real.  I wish it was real.

Could it become real some day?

My body was reacting in a way I didnt even knew was possible before.

I want to expercience it again. With even more details.

I think i wil get back to bed and try it one more time.

And afterwards I will write her a letter. Or two.

I just wish she never leaves again."

Blank page

Another blank page.

You put the diary aside and got up on the couch.

You crawled up under his blanket and felt the warmth of his tiney, fragile body which you want to hold for the rest of your life.

[allylotti]

SIPPING JUICE — CHAPTER ONE

warnings: this story includes mature content such as substances, sex, suicide, and more that might not be suitable for people of the ages 16 and under.

( chapter one, 2253 words ! )

I TURNED AROUND AND THERE HE WAS... the boy that was always there for me and me for him. I smiled at him, running into his arms. I held him tightly, like I would never see him again. I sighed, letting free from my grasp

"I missed you so much Jarad-" I started to tear up a bit.

It had been almost three months since I had seen him, because for the first summer ever my dad decided that it was a good idea that I went with him for the summer. My mother agreed with him saying that it was good for me to spend time with my father. I begged her to not make me go, but she denied my request, so instead of using three months of my time being with my friend, they went to waste on my excuse of a father.

"Hey, look at me y/n, it's okay, I'm here." He smiled softly cupping my cheeks. "now don't cry ma' let's get you home, we can make up for lost time later." I nodded softly at what he said. He took my hand into his as we walked down the streets of Chicago that we called home. We walked in a comfortable silence the whole way to his place.

He smiled at me, flashing a pair of bronze keys at me.

I laughed a bit, "Huh, so your mommy finally thought you were grown enough for your own pair?" I teased him, he just rolled his eyes in response.

"Actually y/n, I made the copy myself from the spare so, ha, no my mother didn't give them to me" he remarked.

"Aww he's such a grown up!" I pouted. "I want baby Jarad back, have you seen him? You know the one with the baby face, and short, non dyed dreads?" I crossed my arms in a joking manner.

"Y/n, you act like a child-" he said, opening the door.

"It's because I want yours!" He looked at me seriously, and I said "I'm joking!"

As I walked into the small apartment, I noticed that there was something different, I don't know if it was a vibe or something physical that had changed, it didn't feel right with me.

"Jarad, did you guys change anything in here since I left?" He shook his head as a response. I assumed they just had a friend over or something and shook off the feeling that I had gotten, somewhat like an evil presence had been here.

"You still playing GTA Jarad?" I asked sitting down on his couch. "Uh yeah... I had to choose who the fuck I wanted to kill, Franklin, Michael, or Trevor."

"Please tell me you picked Trevor-" I said whilst picking up a controller for the PlayStation.

"Funny thing is I did" he laughed.

"How'd you kill him?"

"Fire"

"Oof- that shit must have sucked to die in" I laughed.

"Yeah, right. Well I'll be back, I'm going to take a shower" after that he walked upstairs, leaving me alone downstairs.

( a few minutes later ! )

There was a loud knock on the door, just as I had gotten shot in the head,

"Son of a bitch!" I grunted.

I walked towards the door opening it, revealing a short girl with dark hair and pink highlights. I felt that same vibe as I did earlier but I ignored it. A little annoying by her presence I asked

"What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" She replied with my question.

"Um... I'm Jarad's best friend, y/n, who are you?" She looked at me in disgust as those five first words came out of my mouth.

"Oh, I'm Alexia, Alexia Smith, nice to meet you y/n" she smiled fakely, I feeling petty today returned it.

"Is there anything I can get you, Alexia?" I questioned.

"Uh yeah, is Jarad home?" She asked looking down at her shoes.

"Um, no I'm sorry he isn't here right now, I'll let him know that you wanted him, bye, bye" I said shutting the door on her face. I sighed, pressing my back against the door, allowing myself to fall to the ground.

"Who was that?" I heard a voice in front of me asked.

Annoyed that he didn't tell me he had a new girlfriend I said "who is Alexia Smith?"

"Oh, I see, you've met her, Alexia is a friend I met at the park."

"Just a friend?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"Promise Y/n, I'd never lie to you"

"Okay, but I want you to sing for me, and in exchange I'll make you and ma' dinner, deal?"

He scratched his neck and looked down as if he were putting much into my question.

"Okay, Deal" he smiled.

"Oh, and you'll have to sing for me" I giggled. He smiled and tackled me onto the couch, we burst out in laughter.

"Oh god I've missed this" I smiled sadly, he sighed "me too, damn, it's only been three months without each other and it feel like it was an eternity, if we ever get like- supper mad at eachother and shit, and we like won't say sorry because of our pride- I don't know how I would do it, y/n, being without you is- worse than I thought" he chuckled.

"We won't- friends forever, remember? Always and forever" I sat up and kissed him on the cheek.

"Now you have to sing for meee!" I yelled.

"Okay, well so- I haven't told you this but...I've been working on some songs-"

"-And you didn't call me- nuh uh baby, show me them songs" I interrupted him.

"...sorry?" He asked in a way. I gave him a straight face and shook my head.

"Here look, I typed up the lyrics in my phone, but I don't know what to call it! I wanna do Autograph but I also want to do On my line" he pouted handing me the phone.

"Let me see, do you have this recorded Jare?" I asked, reading the lyrics.

He nodded in response, "I love it, and you know what you can call it, Autograph (On my line) it fits," I smiled, "now, the best part... sing it for me, please!"

"Fine" he cleared his throat, getting ready to sing for me.

"I hope I'm the only girl you sing to" I joked.

"You know I wouldn't do that shit with any other girl" he laughed.

"Why you mad,Why you mad, Why you mad, Why you mad?

That's all I wanna know! You're lookin' like a joke, try humour at the most. Steady chokin' on your shade like a dick in your throat,

Well if you're gonna throw shade my way, Maybe you should throw with a little more aim. It's a cold day in hell, when they dirty up your name.

They don't got no business talkin' in the first place i'm freezin'.

All these fuck bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna die tonight

Yeah I rock a choker with a .45 and I know some bitches that are down to ride.

All these hatin bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna fuck tonight!

Let me guess, you're my biggest fan right?"

I was surprised at how much he had improved in the last three months, he was always good but now he would just be top on the charts if he put his music on YouTube and whatnot.

"You wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask, woah

But you lookin like an asshole, Up on twitter and you lookin mad woke, talkin bout me! But you lookin bad woah, Like the ugly daughter that I never had woah, and what's up with these lames, Got my name in they mouth like they swallowin my Children, I never got why bitches hate, its probably Cuz im doin better than em anyway, Its probably cuz i get they bitches wetter anyway, it's Probably cuz im livin and they're in a lower place, They walkin in the slums while im vibin outter space.

Crash land just to take they girl on a dinner. Date, when haters see me winnin they just hyperventilate. They always try to stop me but i never hesitate,

Just follow all your dreams and when you reach them, Celebrate, that's the only way to truly make a hater suffocate.

All these fuck bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna die tonight

Yeah I rock a choker with a .45 and I know some bitches that are down to ride

All these hatin bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna fuck tonight

Let me guess, you're my biggest fan right? You wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask woah

Why you mad that's all I wanna know, Your lookin like a joke try humor at the most

Steady chokin on your shade like a dick in your Throat, well if you're gonna throw shade my way.

Maybe you should throw with a little more aim, It's a cold day in hell when they dirty up your name. They don't got no business talkin in the first Place i'm freezin, but these haters not breathin.

Stevie wonder to these haters no seein, And I don't believe it they hate me hate me for no reason. All these fuck bitches on my line,

Damn bitch you must wanna die tonight

Yeah I rock a choker with a .45 and i know some bitches that are down to ride.

All these hatin bitches on my line, Damn bitch you must wanna fuck tonight

Let me guess, you're my biggest fan right? You wanted an autograph all you had to do was ask woah." He finished, I started clapping.

"You, Jarad Anthony Higgins, are talented. No cap" I hugged him.

"Thank you" he smiled into the hug. "Now what's for dinner" he smirked.

"rice and beans, I'm kidding! My mom has some pasta at her house last time I checked, do you have oil or butter?"

"Yess"

"Okay, and no cheese, see after three months I couldn't forget your hate for cheese" I smiled.

Me and Jarad lived right across the street from each other. I walked out the door crossing the street, and walked in my "home", my mom was never home, she was too busy whoring around her body, when many people had offered her jobs, easy ones too! Even if they paid good money she would say no. The only time I would see her is if she had a guy over! And they wouldn't even be dressed, I basically lived with Jarad ever since my mom was fired for sleeping with her manager at her last job. When she would ground me from going to Jarads I would sneak out late at night through my window, and crawl in his. That was when I was twelve. That's why Jarad's mom is more of a mom to me than my own, she's always cared for me.

I took a deep breath in, smelling the air around me, "home sweet home" I mumbled sarcastically. Per usual it smelled like alcohol, weed, and sex. I rolled my eyes, seeing that she hadn't changed her habits. Walking into the kitchen, I opened the cabinet, finding the pasta just where I left it, I smiled to myself grabbing it and walking out. Shutting the door behind me.

I walked into Jarad's home, placing the pasta on the counter. I started to hum a song.

As I washed my hands Jarad came back into the room, I smiled. "I brought pasta" I sang,

"And you're humming Tupac, again" he sang back. I laughed "I'm always humming older songs" he laughed walking into the kitchen, next to me. He washed his hands and took out his phone playing the song I was humming. I laughed "you really did that didn't you?" I rhetorically asked while 'Picture me rolling' played in the background. He took out the pot and I put in the water, letting the pasta boil on the stove.

"Full grown, finally a man. Just scheming' on ways to put some green inside the palms" we both sang along. He wrapped his arms around my waist moving to the rhythm of the beat. I kissed his cheek, and smiled, "pastas ready" and as if on cue Mrs.Higgins walked through the door- she looked stressed. I smiled softly at her as she looked relieved seeing that dinner was already made.

"Y/n" she sighed "you're back!" She smiled brightly.

"You really thought I was going to leave yall, never"

When we ate dinner we caught up for the most part. Nothing too exciting happened in the last three months, but for some reason I couldn't help but think of that girl that stopped by. Jarad in a way seemed different, like he was hurt. It might have just been me, I've felt weird since I had left for the summer, getting these random feelings in my gut.

For the first time in three I slept in peace, knowing I was home. I was finally okay again.

[theravenclawmonster]

I thought getting diagnosed would be able to get me help...(post 1 of dunno how many)

Trigger warning: This post (and the later continuation posts after it titled the same) may contain mentions of abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and many more things which i will try to edit in it after writing the post(s) (hopefully i’ll remember to)

Disclaimer: this is just a written account of events that happened in my life in the past few weeks and my emotional/ physical response to those events. I am writing this here so that it stays here as help for people to read and maybe see what certain things feel like, and as proof or diary for when i forget what really happened and start to believe her words. Also, this is going to be a long post... a very long post.

So, i thought getting diagnosed would maybe help me... A couple of weeks ago, i realized that my heart has been beating a bit faster than what i remembered it used to and my blood pressure would get low. Of course like every other pain or issue ever, i tried to first ignore it and act it out (trying to look fine) but you see, with low BP i really couldn’t act okay. My brain would go numb, i would feel like my brain was pushing me (the consciousness or me in my brain) towards the top of my forehead forcing me into my skull from inside; everything else felt numb. I couldn’t really speak or even think, all words were slurred if i tried my hardest. My body moved very slowly, i couldn’t even raise a finger in the normal speed (even in front of my parents, in front of who i never ever show if i am in pain or ill. but until then i had hid it pretty well by going to my room or just not letting them see me that much). By this time i didn’t know what was happening and episodes like this continued for 3 or 4 days, until one day i remembered that i should check my blood pressure as my heart feels like drowning (it was around 90 and 65 and pulse more than 110). Now, as someone whose blood pressure has always been around 110/70, i got a bit scared; i didn’t know if it was okay to have it this low or not and i wasn’t feeling okay at all. Anyway, it dropped a bit more and my mother noticed me (until then i was completely wiped out, had no strength to even be present in my body let alone act okay. i continuously felt like if i closed my eyes i’d slip away and never come back.

My mother told me to get up and have some ORS (some sort of salts and electrolytes thingy used in dehydration etc) and eat bananas. after some time my heart felt a bit fine and my BP rose up to 105 and something. But i felt exhausted, as if i had fought a war with my bare hands. I couldn’t even ask them to take me to a doctor and after this episode was over she suggested it very ummm... very angrily... so i stayed quiet. Later my sister (married) texted me and said that Mom will get an appointment for her general physician tomorrow for you. She obviously had talked to my mother on the phone and knew all about it (or at least as much as my mother decided to tell her). The next day she took the appointment which was for almost 2 weeks later (only time available). throughout the days leading up to that she told me that i’d feel fine and we’d not even need to go to the doc.

finally, the day arrived. My mother had been telling me to write things to show the doc, my symptoms and stuff, but i couldn’t write anything. I wrote this on a paper 9in a slow child-like handwriting:

1. Pain everywhere

    Tired

    Breathe (referring to difficulty in breathing but i couldn’t write the whole sentence)

the day i went to the doctor i added “ fog/ Quick sand” to the list wanting to say that i feel like i am in a fog/ quick sand as everything including my body and my brain function becomes very slow and delayed.

I didn’t take that paper to the doctor (well, that exquisitely written note wasn’t very helpful). I had decided beforehand that i’d somehow send my mother out and talk to the doctor in private as my emotionally abusive and controlling mother makes me unable to function like a normal human being. It took me days to prepare myself to say that. I also took all my history with me from the beginning of the year. Below is the brief history:

[ I had a very bad chest infection right after chicken pox (at the start of this year, yes great start to a great year 2020), I had to get a chest x-ray in which Scoliosis (bending of spine) showed up. According to the doctors and my family, as it was an incidental finding, it was asymptomatic and therefore needed no treatment or even a brace. No one cared to pay attention to what i said or how i felt as the fucking patient who actually dealt with a lot of back and shoulder and literally almost every kind of bone pain, and for whom the discovery of scoliosis was an answer to a lot.] Anyway, back to the regular rant.

so we went to the doctor. As i sat outside waiting for my turn, i practised again and again about how to ask to be diagnosed in private and not making my mother mad. first, my mother’s turn arrived and she told me to go in with her and remember what doctor tells her for her diabetes and acidity issues. After she was done... (i am getting a bit hazy here) i think the doctor brought up my scoliosis (i went to him in the beginning of the year and he referred me to an osteopath or someone) he talked about how he discussed my case with his colleague and he advised me to go to another hospital in another city for they have a specific department for things like scoliosis. After he said it all and looked at me expectantly to start telling him why i was there, i told my, mother if she can leave, she laughed embarrassed and acted like ha ha sweety i won’t disturb you go on ahead. but i repeated it a couple more times ( i think my tone was pretty dry, but i am not sure as i couldn’t really regulate anything at that time).

She left. then the doctor asked me about my health and i started to explain, except i couldn’t find the right words and forgot everything and just burst into tears. he patiently offered me tissues and waited for my answer. I explained somewhat. i don’t really remember the symptoms i explained, just that i felt fake and weird as if it all wasn’t really happening or i was faking everything and don’t know why the hell i kept bawling my eyes out, i was fine!! stop crying and making a scene. I was also inwardly thankful that my mother wasn’t in the room as i have had a similar experience of crying in front of a doctor and she taunted me about it for months calling me fake and attention seeking and a liar. Anyway, here is a list of what i told the doctor (from what i can remember):

- i feel like i am always holding myself up tightly, if i let go i’d fall. My muscles all feel seized up

-I have difficulty in breathing, i can’t breathe deeply for years. and before it was connected to emotional issues but now its almost all day everyday.

-As because of scoliosis my ribcage is a bit twisted so if i bent over my left ribs dig into my stomach area and it is quite painful if my stomach is full, if i have gained weight or if i have gas.

-my ankles feel swollen on the inside and walking is painful, my heels hurt and the top of my foot and the pain goes all the way up to my pelvic bone and back. My back hurts all the fucking time.

-My knees hurt so much that i have not been able to put my weight on my left knee for more than a week now (it has been hurting in the past as well) and now my body had developed a weird habit of walking up the stairs without putting pressure on left knee at all, which has in turn made my right knee tired and painful.

- I can’t really feel hungry. like if i don’t eat for a long time i’d feel that painful hunger in my stomach but i have no desire to eat and i keep forgetting about it. even when i try to eat i look at food and recoil in a little, i can’t eat it usually or at least like i use to ( I loved food more than almost anything ever, with only some foods that i couldn’t eat). and even after i eat (usually only when i eat something with wheat in it) my stomach swells up a round and painful (which is even more painful when the ribs dig into it.

-My jaw feels stiff and my teeth and gums hurt as if i have been clenching my jaw (which i do catch myself doing quite often)

-oh! i actually started out with saying that i can’t really hold up my neck some of the time (like a baby), and it keep falling around if i relax, it was happening right then too. then i cried. i also mentioned something about my bones painfully feeling like they’ll fuse into each other (if i lie on my side sometimes i feel like both sides of my ribcage will collapse into each other

This was all i could remember then and i think there might be more that i told him but i don’t remember it rn

The doctor asked me things in return. he asked me about my sleep which i told him i can’t sleep. I have been a person who’d sleep 7- 8 hours a night and then also take a nap in the day. I love to sleep, i could always sleep, no matter what happened. If i had cramps, migraine, back pain, emotional abuse, my favorite character died, tired, bored anything; I’d sleep it off. But now, no matter when o lie down, firstly, i am in too much pain to be comfortable in any position, it takes hours to fall asleep and no more fun daydreaming before sleep too. and then i wake up even more exhausted somehow.

He checked my BP and breathing ( i couldn’t breathe properly maybe because of crying) and stomach softness. My BP was 135/95 which i contributed to the car ride (i have car anxiety... dunno what it is but i get super anxious and panicky in a car especially with my family) but he said it could be because you just cried so much.

so, then he said that you are too stressed and your neurons are constantly firing cuz pain both emotional and physical. (he was talking for quite some time but i don’t remember what he said) he said most of it seems to be mental but upon my request he did give a few tests (one in particular expensive one for some muscle disease or something) then he referred me to a psychiatrist. he also asked me to write down my symptoms as the more i tell the doctor the better they can diagnose. then i got out and told my mother the diagnosis and referral. she went in to the office herself and talked to him for some time.

So, we had the tests done (with my father making it a point to say loudly how expensive was one of them in particular) and got an appointment for the psychiatrist. Also said that i have some stomach acidity and gave medicine for that

this seems like a huge post so i am thinking about making another one for that session and the later drama, hopefully before i forget

part two can be found here

[transjinako]

I made an Okita Berserker cuz I felt like she’d fit it in a way 

Name: Okita Sojiro

Alignments: Neutral Evil

Parameters: 

Strength: B

Agility: A-

Endurance: C

Luck: E-

Mana: C

NP: B

Traits:

Madness Enhancement EX Presence Concealment C

Skills: 

Degrading Earth A-: A walking technique evolved from the idea of Reduced Earth, turned into a fully offensive and destructive. The user tears apart their body in order to reach the heights of movement that might allow them to even pass through dimensions, however the damage done to the user keeps them from reaching it. 

Deteriorating Condition B: A skill unique to Okita from her illness in life, warped completely through frustration. Okita, while not showing it, is almost constantly sickly and as her condition worsens, either through the effects of tuberculosis or through battle, she fights harder and harder, her madness only growing more intense until healed or killed. 

Obsession A: The deep desire in Okita’s heart to die on the battlefield with a purpose is horribly warped and misunderstood as an obsession for killing and bloodshed. When her eyes are set onto a target she doesn’t stop for a second until it is dead by her own hands, imagining it as a faceless enemy of the shinsengumi. When active it works like a both Eye of the Mind and Monstrous Strength. 

Noble Phantasm(s)

Three Breaths till Death, The Rampaging Cut

Type: Anti Self, Anti Unit

Rank: C

Description: A suicidal blade technique, and the only death that Okita will accept at this point. Okita matches her breathing with that of the opponent, then, within three breaths, lashes out wildly completely out of sight. With each breath, three cuts are made at the exact same time, repeating until the last breath where Okita finishes them off. The strain caused by this attack will more than likely lead to Okita’s death as well, where she can finally be at rest. 

Description of Servant: 

A version of Okita Souji created from her last days in bed, dying of illness. Unlike Okita Alter where she is the potential if she had grown, this Okita is derived from the pure anger and frustration from those last days given the ability to ignore all pain or illness. She fights and fights, all to forget that she will die, while also finding the most preferable place to die. In the meantime, her body is almost constantly in pain and she refuses to rest too much. When she does relax, her symptoms are allowed to come at her full force, which scare her more than anything. Surprisingly enough, this Okita can still listen and take orders which is likely due to an inherent desire for purpose when taking up her blade.

If you are willing to have her stay in bed for an extended period of time, you’ll only be greeted by the shell of the Okita you might know. Her eyes mostly emptied, her body weakly shakes desiring for battle again. Her jokes are a lot more dry and flat now, and shes rarely able to smile.  She can’t stand compassion or pity, even when right now she's deserving of it the most. There might be no saving her now, maybe all her master can do at this point, is decide if she’ll die covered in blood or in a quiet windowed room. 

Okita Souji: Gh...master, tell that other me to leave me alone already…! I thought i’d have no problems with her, I don’t even like seeing myself in the mirror, but she's always staring when she thinks I don’t notice, and trust me, I know when I’m oblivious. Actually...heh, maybe its like seeing your car get totaled and wondering “I could have been in there!” 

Okita Alter: ...So, what, are you trying to mock me? I can only dream now, being where you are now, and you dare try and pay me a visit?! I’m not your damn sister, I’m not you! Go away! Tch….Master...would my chest have really gotten that nice…

Hijikata: Visiting again, Hijikata? Hm, whats that look for? You look sad about something, certainly not me, otherwise I’d have to show you just how fine I feel...

Nobunaga (Archer): That annoying little runt keeps on coming by to push her comedy bit on me. Heh, I bet she thinks shes so impressive and funny, I’d probably run her through if I wouldn’t get scolded for ruining the room (Continued if you have Nobunaga Berserker) But hey, hey, listen! There was this one time though, she showed up in a bikini for some reason! For a small lady, shes certainly pillowy….huh? What? She made an offer to feel so of course I did! I even got her to agree to come in it next time, hehe….dai shouri~

Katsuhika Hokusai: That painter is pretty entertaining, even if she follows me around on the battlefield to draw me, or leer at me. I’m fine with both of course, but I do try to avoid hearing her reasoning as to why. Last time she tried to explain I nearly cut her head off~!

[sleep-swell]

MTMTE Swerve X reader {how to be failure 101} chapter 3. Grew up

A human? Swerve couldn't be more excited. Since the moment Rodimus mentioned a human, he couldn't concentrate on what was being said to him. Something about a party, that's what he did hear.

He knew all those things about humans, all those shows will finally pay off. He and the human would get along just fine, if they missed earth, they could go to him to get an earth feeling.

Or not. They could also hate Swerve for assuming he knew everything while actually he was just an amateur. Oooh, how Swerve wished you'd like him.

Because Swerve was one of the only ones knowing about the human, almost everyone got to know the secret soon enough. He just wouldn't stop talking about it. Some even asked him about earth stuff so they could could get bigger chances at being your friend. Offcourse that made Swerve more insecure because the more the others knew, the less of a chance he had with you.

After a while, the bar was ready with a big text.

'Welcome to the Lost Light' it said.

It was almost time for Ultra Magnus to come in with the human. Normally Rodimus would do it, but Magnus didn't trust him with it. Instead, Rodimus waited at the bar, preparing his speech and when he was gonna say 'til all are one'.

Meanwhile, you were still at Rung's office, getting some motivation.

"I really hope this won't cause any problems..." You said.

"Everyone will like you, I promise. Having a human on board will make our journey more exiting."

You missed earth. You missed your friends, the shops, internet. Gosh, you missed the internet. Offcourse, Rung noticed.

"Hey," He began. "If you ever miss home, I advise you to talk with a friend of mine. His name is Swerve, he's a barkeeper and knows anything about earth."

"Thanks Rung," you answered.

Rung smiled at you, happy that at least someone says his name right.

"I advise you to come visit me at least one a week (y/n), being so far from your planet and society can have a huge impact, i really hope to see you more," he said softly.

Just as Ultra Magnus came in, you gave out an answer, "okay."

"(Y/n), it's time to go." Stated Magnus.

You nodded, and hopped down from Rung's table, walking a fast as you could behind Ultra Magnus.

You panted a "How far is it?" Out.

In which he answered, "Not so much, you'll manage."

When you arrived at the door, you had to climb on Ultra Magnus's hand, so he could hide you using his other hand. Rodimus persisted that you should be a surprise reveal, and who was he to ignore orders.

The doors opened, all eyes were fixated on Ultra Magnus, Rodimus jumped up from his seat and stood on a table to get all the attention. Swerve's bar was flooding, and only most knew about your existence.

Still, all this was making Swerve anxious. He shifted his balance from one pede to another, and twirled his thumbs around eachother. His face couldn't decide between smiling like a goof or staying serious.

Rodimus fake coughed, "Everyone, listen. Today is a special and oussem day. Because yesterday, we have found not one, but TWO humans on an attacked space ship." He poused, seeing if all the attention was on him.

"One is heavily injured and might die, but we have things under control. The other one, is totally fine, and is now officially part of our crew. Sadly, all the rest of their crew perished on their ship."

Whispers spread around the bar.

"They are very far from home, and have no way of going back. Please, have a bit of perspective and welcome them as an equal. Until all are one!"

"Without further ado," added Ultra Magnus, "we now present you (y/n) (l/n), the human that is perfectly fine."

He opened his hands, and handed you to Rodimus. He put out his hands so you could stand on them and be seen by everyone.

You looked so nervous and cute, Swerve thought he was dreaming. Finally he could meet a human  maybe even befriend them if he were lucky. He was now biting on one of his fingers to keep him from rambling and interrupting.

"Uh..." You spoke.

"Hello everyone, since you already know my name I'll just skip that part... I am really grateful to be able to live here and have a place to stay."

You tried reassuring yourself that everything is fine, when done, you continued.

"I hope we all get along and I'm excited to even be friends with the one who want. I am still a bit in shock, but when I'll get better I am happy to answer any questions asked." You smiled.

When done, Rodimus again shouted, "Til all are one!"

That was the que that the speech was over, and so everyone started talking and trying to ask questions.

Drift tried keeping everyone calm, while Ultra Magnus pushed people away that were getting too close. Rodimus on the other hand, held you up hight so nobody could snatch you away.

He whole place was a chaos, the party had not even begun and Swerve was ordered to close the bar to get some peace.

Only some people were allowed to stay behind, and you got introduced to some others.

"So," you began, "You are Chromedome, you're Rewind, you're Brainstorm, Swerve, Skids, Whirl, Cyclonus, and Tailgate. Damn that's a lot to remember."

"There's a lot more that you'll meet over the time," reminded Skids.

"Who let Whirl stay here again?" Asked Brainstorm.

Whirl his attention switched from you towards Brainstorm. "You wanna fragging go?! Cuz i will mess you up real good!" 

Magnus stood up and quickly grabbed a hold on Whirl to set him down, then he explained to Brainstorm that letting Whirl stay was the only way to calm him down. Brainstorm wanted to talk some sense into them, but your chuckle interrupted him, all eyes were on you now. 

"Sorry, sorry," you laughed.

Oh how lovely your laugh sounded to Swerve, humans were truely amazing.

"Say (y/n), how's recharging in the same room as Rodimus?" Started Tailgate.

"Ah, it's..." You looked over at Rodimus, still pulling on your sentence. Rodimus was practically sitting on the verge of his chair.

"Great. It's great."

Rodimus his grin got bigger, seems like his ego was getting bigger. While Ultra Magnus shook his head, Tailgate gave out a chuckle.

Suddenly, Cyclonus decided to make his presence clear, "If you don't mind me asking (y/n), how did your life look like on earth?"

Your smile faltered. Since you got here, you never had a chance to look back at your life before the launch into space. Nor on the first ship with your crew had you had the chance to do that. Everyone around you was always a distraction.

Cyclonus seemed to notice your change of attitude. "If it's too personal you don't have to answer. It's okay if you-"

"It's fine. I'm fine. I just didn't get  chance to think about it too much."

Everyone listened carefully.

"I.. my life on earth," you started, "Wasn't particularly bad, but also not perfect. I lived on my own in a small apartment, too busy with the internet too find friends, and little on money."

"But I've made it work. I figured things out to find the money I need. And so, here I am." You laughed.

"You came here for money?" Asked Brainstorm, getting a nudge from Chromedome. Glares were shared between both.

"No no, not here specifically. More like send into space with a new gadget."

"You weren't sure you were gonna make it and you took the chance? Not only you but 4 other people too." Asked Rewind.

"They needed one other volunteer."

Whirl butted in, "You just went for a suicide mission for money! That's oussem!"

He got a smack from Ultra Magnus. Then he tried fighting against him but was threatened to leave the room if he didn't behave. Unwilling to leave a chance with a human, he remained... Something like calm.

Deciding to brighten up the mood a bit, you started talking again, "Hey, if it weren't for that, I wouldn't be here now meeting you guys!"

It worked, and it was totally calm again. Until Chromedome spoke again.

"Hey Swerve has been uncharacteristically silent this whole time."

The others decided to join in.

Skids nudged Swerve, "Yeah pal, you've been quiet this whole time. Everything alright?"

"Yeah everything okay there?"

Swerve, who was leaning his head on his hands, put them on his lap, a nervous laugh escaping him.

"Y.. yeah guys. I'm... I'm fine. Just observing. I've never seen a human before, I mean I have but only on screen, never in real life. It's different you know, I mean you're not different, the experience is just different. I'm sorry I'm rambling again aren't I?"

"Good luck with him fleshy, he can talk your ears off asking questions. Won't even give you a chance to answer," said Whirl.

And as fast as Swerve's mood went down, it came up again when you spoke, "I'll be fine, it just means he's excited. That means a lot to me."

You were so nice!! The poor guy couldn't believe what he was seeing! Well... What he was hearing, but that doesn't matter. He was happy.

Suddenly something inside you started to- not hurt but- it was uncomfortable. Not unbearable, easily ignored.

But physical.

It didn't worry you, you've felt plenty of sudden pain in your chest for no reason in the past. Enough to determine that it wasn't anything, say, dangerous.

"Well it's getting rather late. Not like that's bad or anything, since the plan was to just party. But there's no party,"  said Skids.

Chromedome agreed. You could see how he nodded while looking a Rewind sincerely. "It's best me and Rewind go recharge then, its always good to get some extra sleep."

He took Rewind's hand, and they stood up, taking their leave. "Goodbye (y/n), it was nice meeting you!" Waved Rewind.

Slowly, everyone started to leave too. Rodimus left you behind, since you were having a conversation with Swerve.

And then you were left alone with Swerve. After a while he seemed to notice how you yawned, signaling that you were getting sleepy.

"Okay I think that's enough for today. Do you know where Rodimus's hab-suite is?" He asked.

You shook your head no, because how are you supposed to know where someone else's room is in just one day, and don't even get me started on how big this ship is.

"Do you want me to... Bring you there?" Swerve asked unsure.

He hoped you would say yes. This way you could talk more, get to know eachother. He'll get to know more about you. So when you nodded, he practically jumped from his seat and picked you up.

He was so excited, he forgot to slow down to have the chance to talk with you, and ran immediately towards your and Rodimus's hab-suite. Suddenly realising that he messed up his chance.

"So uh... Will you come to my bar tomorrow? Not that you have to offcourse, it would be just nice to see you again. N-not in a weird way," He asked.

"I'll do my best to come over." You smiled.

Swerve smiled back and slowly put you down on the ground so you could ender your shared room with Rodimus. With one final wave, he left.

And you went to sleep.

______________

A/n: Sorry for not posting this chapter first and spoiling the story, also sorry for the way this text is written, I copy pasted it from my wattpad. (Whitch is "Polarvera" btw, I always post the chapters there first so you can get a look. Plus its easier to read my story-)

Tags come later I think?

[oh-law-d-he-comin]

DECK Prompts, Day 6

((CW: Blood, non-explicit gore))

  “...Stabbing, strangulation, bludgeoning, crushing…”

  How should he explain it? Law’s been chasing freedom his whole life, the kind that verges into chaos, madness, a breakdown of all that's logical and structured. And in a way, despair… is freeing. Calamity! Anarchy! Every man for himself! Death reigns in the streets, and a stable mind has no place, and even the emotions that used to define him can't cage him, and to the former SHSL Coroner it is a sight as beautiful as an ocean at sunrise, or the springtime cherry blossoms in full bloom.

  “...hacking, ignition, drowning, cleaving…”

  Suddenly in a fantastic mood for no reason, Law starts laughing, a carefree sound that echoes back and forth through the empty main street. At his feet rolls the severed head of some poor sap, which he kicks across the sidewalk as one might an empty soda can. Did you know? Soccer was originally played with the decapitated heads of criminals!

  “He shoots, the ball flies, he doesn't score! Alas, thus is the folly of a non-sportsman, better luck next time.” He's never been good at soccer, and his shot misses the garage it was aimed at by a mile, setting off the laughter again like a broken child’s toy. There's still plenty of corpses lying about, though, and he goes back to dancing around them, humming along to the guesses he makes as to how they croaked. Each puddle of red, every splash of color against a wall, every snail trail of darkened blood, like pieces to a neverending series of puzzles, and he does like puzzles, even if if they're a little too easy.

  “...suffocation, electrocution, explosion, implosion…”

  Up ahead, a silhouette. Two silhouettes? One's on the ground, typical of the human shapes he sees around here, but the other, the other one's upright. A person! Now social interaction, that's something he's been wanting for in this desolate city.

  As Law draws near, the shadows coalesce into a dead body, nothing new—oh, but the red strewn across it is still bright, still beautiful, his favorite color—and a young man staring down at it with disgust and fear painted on his face. What an expression! How fun! Law’s got to slap his cheeks to keep his smile from twisting into something monstrous and mocking, as he sneaks up behind the man and taps him on the shoulder.

  “...falling, impaling, poison, mangling…”

  “Hello! Hi! Nice to meet you!” he chirps brightly, laughing with an equally innocent tone when the man leaps back, hands held out in a defensive stance.

  “Wh- where did you come from?! Who are you?!” He's patting himself down as if in search of a weapon, but Law ignores the alarm in favor of examining the body.

  “My name's Law, Law K. Kiyuu, nice to meet you again and isn't it lonely around here? God, you're the first person I've met in a week, except for the stiffs, and they don't have much in the way of conversation! Speaking of which, hello Mr. Mortis, aren't you something…” He leans down and prods its arm with a questioning hum, letting go with a start when the entire hand falls off. “Oh, oh my, knife wounds ‘round the whole torso, stabs through the wrists, is that words carved into the forehead? I'm sorry to break it to you, still-alive guy, someone's really done a number on your buddy—it's really doubtful he'll recover from being dead!”

  “I, I just found it just now, I didn't do anything to it, I swear…” The man warily lowers his absence of weapon, shuffling a little back towards Law before he freezes. “Wait, how do you know- did you-?”

  Laughter meets uncertainty yet again, as Law crouches down and lifts the dead man’s head into his lap, brushing hair matted with blood away from the face. “No sir, I'm innocent, I swear- it's just back when civilization was a thing, I worked as a coroner. You know, the guy who shows up with the cops and tells you how the deceased, well, deceasified? Not anymore, of course, nobody's gonna pay a kid to identify the dead when they're outnumbering the living, but that's how!” He pauses, looking down at the head with something that could easily be mistaken for pity, or sorrow, or sympathy.

  “Look at that,” he whispers. “Gunshot right through the brain stem, that's what did ‘im in. Oh no, oh my, oh gosh, and here I thought it was the cuts, that's why they don't hire me anymore, oh jeez.”

  The man leans down, worry for that suddenly downtrodden look outweighing discomfort towards the boy naturally cradling a corpse’s face. “You're right, that's horrible… he might have lived if they hadn't done that…”

  “...blunt force, blood loss, gunshot, shock…”

  “I know, right? Why ruin a perfectly good ritual sacrifice?”

  All too late, the young man looks properly into Law’s eyes. Swirling in their depths is something no person in their right mind could have, the jet black whirlpool of despair reserved only for those who have fallen from the top of the world to the lowest rungs of humanity. All too late, he recognizes the boy’s expression for what it was: disappointment.

  “Vertical cuts! Strange markings written into flesh! Symbolic stabs!” Law yanks the head up, showing off innumerable gashes as the body falls apart around them. “More literary symbolism than an English teacher convention in the library of Alexandria,” he exclaims, jabbing a finger at each of the wounds. “A simply fantastic display, absolutely gorgeous, even if they were a little sloppy looking for the brachial, and what do they do? Chicken out at the last minute and put this poor sack of shit out of its misery, with a gun no less!” Wrath flickers across his face before losing out to a maniacal Cheshire Cat grin, freezing the young man in place with pure shock.

  “...infection, parasitism, asphyxiation, hypothermia…”

  “I- you- please-”

  “Don't worry.” The former coroner’s smile turns soft for a moment, reassuring, kind. The same unassuming look he introduced himself with. “Their crimes won't go unanswered for, just cuz there's no cops doesn't mean there's no retribution, no sir: I'll show them an example of a proper ritual sacrifice! You'll help me, right, mister? Really, don't worry, I can tell you don't smoke, exercise right, maybe it's a high stress environment but it's recent, you’re perfectly healthy and so is your heart!”

  Law laughs one more time, an unsettlingly pure sound, and jabs the man in the chest with his cane. “You'll make a lovely cadaver!”

  “...organ failure, overdose, homicide, suicide…”

  His handiwork is perfect, mounted on a stake overlooking the rest of the city. Of course it is: they didn't call him an Ultimate for nothing. Not to be a narcissist, obviously…

  ...but it's beautiful.

  “...despair.”

[magical-agatha]

needing people and wanting them to like me and wanting to spend time with people seems to bring me so much pain. a lot of things seem to hurt me that i wish didnt. or wish i didnt need.

im constantly struggling to stay safe and to not be alone. but those two things seem to conflict rly badly sometimes. i love my girlfriend beyond belief but some of her friends i feel rly unsafe around. and thats really complicated. bc like. shes good and safe. but like.. maybe one of her friends has a partner whos a cishet white guy who thinks cops are good actually and spoke over a trans person who tried to tell him cops are bad actually. how am i supposed to feel safe around that friend when her partner does something like that?? there are a bunch of other things too. and my gf wants to hang out with a certain friend group more often but i just dont feel safe around a couple of those ppl. so either i ignore my feelings or i have to be alone when she goes and hangs out and i freak out about it. one of the ppl there was rly nasty to me for a long time and i dont feel safe around them but im supposed to just. go and hang out with that person like its fine.

and its not always stuff like that sometimes i just get hurt bc im vulnerable and fragile. a friend says something that stings, not that they meant it to. and i just gotta ignore it bc its not on purpose and to anyone else it wouldnt matter. i have to pretend it doesnt hurt.

but then just the other day i had a breakdown cuz my gf wants me to try and accept my bpd and stop trying to hide it and pretend its not there. but that doesnt work practically. if i tell ppl about my bpd or say something every time i get hurt it fucks everything up and people start avoiding me bc they feel like they have to be careful not to upset me! thats not fair.

i want to be happy. but i cant seem to find a way to be happy consistently that isnt just hiding alone with my gf forever. that doesnt work anyway bc that would make her unhappy which would be bad and i want her to be happy.

right now everything really hurts and i want it to stop hurting. but there are all these problems tgat i dont know how to fix or navigate. and i cant get relief. so ofc im getting suicidal thoughts again. ive been getting them a lot lately. my life really fucking sucks so its kind of expected.

i hate my brain and i hate how much of me is sick or broken. my gf tells me im not broken but i can only deny so much. i feel broken. there are parts of me that just dont function properly or reliably. and they pile up. i can cope with it sometimes. i got used to having memory problems and i got used to having carpal tunnel syndrome. but bpd causes me so many problems, and so does adhd, and it piles up and i end up hating myself. i feel broken even if she tells me im not. im really really tired of fighting. im really tired of how painful my life is. i need relief.

my only options for relief are suicide and forcing myself to cope until i can move out. and things will be better once we move out but some problems will persist. and the stuff thats gonna persist is problems centred around me. so maybe it would be simpler just to kill myself. but that would hurt my gf so i cant do that.

i feel really hopeless right now. i miss my gf. i cant stand living like i am for much longer. i need to get out.

[dauntless-dragayn]

Life is Strange fanfiction: All Wounds

   HEY ALL, somethin different for today. I will honestly say I don't read tons of fanfic, call me picky or just, see the truth as being i don't have much spare time to read, period so I've never reviewed one.  BUT. I really want to call attention to one this time, and what better way to do that then by helping out the author with a review? I don't think people realize how much criticism is worth to writers, even taking the time to type out something small is great. (quick note: this review contains spoilers for Lis and BtS. spoilers for the fic itself will be left to the end)   All Wounds by @destiny-smasher is a fic taking place in the Life is Strange universe, almost directly after the 'bae' ending. Throughout, it switches between Max and Chloe's PoVs, however Max is still the main protagonist here. But this is no fluffy feel-good fic (though there is some spots of fluff here and there) it's real and it's painful. It deals with the trauma and emotions that have built up in these women over that fateful week, even their teenage years - stuff that doesn't just magically disappear after the climax. That premise hooked me, because the kind of nitty gritty that often gets ignored in the fandom is exactly what tends to interest me. It actually (minor spoiler!) timeskips after a bit to when they're adults, and when things finally start crashing around their heads .. again.   I will say outright, this isn't for the faint of hearted. It's lonnnng, at 3.5 k words, which rivals many novels!! And it deals with PTSD, mental illness, suicidal ideation, and even a certain amount of psychological horror. Themes present in both games definitely come up again. And no, Max and Chloe's relationship isn't without its bumps. Or rather catastrophic crashes. Don't worry, it'll hurt you but patch those wounds up, by the end. see what i did there   Truthfully, I tried to read it in a RIDICULOUSLY short time frame for Reasons™ (unrelating to the piece) but just could not. I would continuously find myself compelled to slow down, sink into each sentence, into Max’s head or Chloe’s frustrations. I was living in their world more than mine for a few days. It was great - a piece of fresh writing hasn’t done that to me in a while.   I highly recommend taking the time to appreciate this story; it’s ups and downs, romance and time fuckery. If you loved Life is Strange (duh) there’s little reason you wouldn’t love this, too.   You can absolutely tell that this is a project woven together of heart and struggle. Art is never easy when you truly care about the outcome and the fact that this took years of the creator's time and attention stuns me. She did all that mind you, for FREE. Not for publishing, not for profit, not for fame. For a fandom she cares about. Serious writing for fandom is tough, because frankly it's not the easiest medium to sell (sell being used nonliterally here of course, and also, this applies outside of fandom too, just especially so in it) I have an INCREDIBLE amount of admiration for creators like her who dive into these characters they love - but did not create! developing them further, taking them in new directions or continuing them on paths they were already set on -  and write novel length stories or comics for absolutely nothing. You have thoroughly earned my respect.   That’s not to say it’s flawless! Nothing ever is, psh. I do have criticisms here and there, but with those I’ll be more specific, which means they’ll be put under the cut. This is mostly for Destiny-Smasher’s sake, since she is in the process of turning the fic into a visual novel! I’ve read the first few chapters of that too, it’s a cool adaption.   So yeah, if ya haven’t read it, please stop here.   (Also before you go, check out her girlfriend’s art, I’m in love with that too!!)

SPOILERS BEYOND

   Some of these tend to be on the side of minor and nitpicky, I feel, but I'll still go into them. Not trying to be annoying !

  Okay so OBVIOUSLY the repetitiveness of certain scenes or conversations was purposeful, and a big part of how you told this story. And that's GREAT I think you used that unusual element well, certainly paying attention to details. There were some times when it felt repetitive in the wrong places though I think, and I guess I mostly mean some conversations. Or sometimes rather than being repetitive they just felt unnecessary as a whole. If I'm remembering correctly sorry its been a little while by now the conversation between Chloe and Steph in the diner before Chloe realizes she can rewind time now felt like that - just unneeded, like if you had cut or shortened it nothing would be lost. I can't think of any more examples right now, but maybe just keep that in mind?   In general there are definitely a few filler scenes but I hesitate to condemn that because like I said, this world really breaths and feels genuine, and I think those are part of why.   The addition of quotes and especially linked songs was an awesome touch I thought, since ya don't normally get auditory nods like that in writing. There were a few times it broke my immersion but for the most part it was a very appealing layer to your storytelling, so I look forward to seeing that carried out with the adaption.   One thing I didn't like much in general were Chloe's pirate dreams in the second half. I understand that there were some important nods and revelations about what was going on in her psyche, not to mention the role of dream weaving being hinted at, but for the most part they just left me pretty confused.   As far as inconsistencies, I know you were worried about that, but I really think you're fine? Like other than the stuff involving Before the Storm and what that revealed/changed (which you can't be blamed for because this story was written over yEARS) there was nothing major that I noticed. And considering the utter insanity of the timelines n shit, I'm seriously in awe you kept it relatively smooth. I have a HUGLY less complicated story in the works (no time travel) and I still managed to fuck up the timeline. Moving on. :')    I’m embarrassingly forgetful, and that’s all my initial notes on the subject had to say, so I may be missing some things? But yeah, I honestly don’t have much in the negative to say.    So let’s talk about THE plot twist. Yes that one. I remember around, chapter 16.4, the idea piecing together in my mind .. the title of the chapter, her behavior, speaking patterns, the fact that yes, this wasn’t a deviation like any of the others, it was in fact the canon divergence of timeline.... hoLY CRAP ITS OTHER MAX SHES REAL AND - yeah I fangirled a bit. (I was freaking so badly about my theory that I was so sure had to be true - and I was right, heh - that I tried to explain it to my dad. Who, FYI, has minimal knowledge on Life is Strange’s plot, and no hope of understanding the convoluted details of the fic thus far. I finally gave up and went back to reading while squealing excitedly over it in my head. And then I shut up because things got dark)   Just, gods, the details! That was the most satisfying fucking feeling, seeing all these seemingly little or random things come to be crucial. Things like Max clinging to her reality with the wedding bands on her finger, or like Other Max’s particular personality, from being aggressive and upfront more than Max has ever been, to her freaking sexual behavior. Her having red streaks in her hair to represent both sides to her, the cover of the fic and the visual novel not being a symbolic picture but an actual look at the End of Time and Other Max!!   Her falling in love with Stella was definitely a curveball I did not expect, and admittedly I was pRETTY weirded out. Cuz like.. she's engaged to Chloe in the other timeline, and obviously I ship them over anyone else.. I'm not complaining! Just, a very fresh take on Stella and their relationship. Speaking of- it did seem a little strange to me that, after the awkward start to their dating and the mention of how it was going right after, that it never came up again. Obviously things got cut short, but, how was it really working? Did Stella turn out to actually be gay? I interpreted that she was doing it out of a sort of obligation and platonic love for Max, and that she was 1000% straight. Maybe you left that open on purpose? It seemed coded that way, though..   All in all I loved what you did with Other Max. She was an edge of a concept in Life is Strange, in that confrontation scene after the nightmare of episode five - which I loved for its implications - and you took that and RAN with it. So I go in thinking "okay. she's a more literal form of this mental battle Max faces, made so much worse by death shes surrounded by after the storm" And for a while that holds up.. Max finds herself moving on, as a teenager, with Chloe's pushing, and things get better for a while. Great!! Woohoo!   Except ..  the past will always find you .. especially when that past is yourself ... and not even time travel can keep it away forever.   That's the shit you don't see delved into. This power is like, a drug. A limb she's gotten used to and relies on as much as any other. I've never believed she would just, drop it. Does it go away when the storm hits / chloe dies? Maybe, I always thought. But that's so convenient. And without an explanation for why it showed up, we have no basis for why it would go away.   And why not use it, Max convinces herself. ‘I must still have the power for a reason.’ Maybe so, and you've certainly grown, Caulfield, but you are still avoiding consequences. You are still a god amongst mortals, but guess what? That immortal facade can only be contained by a human body for so long. Things start crumbling, and as a reader you see the inevitability of all, feel the hopelessness. She's keeping things from Chloe, BIG fucking things, and I want to reach over and grab her by the shoulder and shake her. "CHLOE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS MINDFUCKED"   I literally couldn't breath for a minute when I realized the implications of the car crash scene, where Max says she's been regularly getting lost in time for months. But, no biggie. Quick weed, call, and you’re right back where you should be. Right? Just wipe the blood off your face, no one will notice.   Damn.   Anyway, enough about that. Remember earlier, when I said 'psychological horror'? Truthfully I don't know if that's the right word for it, or even if its a real thing. But whatever it is, I live for it. People's mind are their own worst enemies, and that bit is ultimately and personally relatable. Max is constantly arguing with herself. But this time, the nightmare - mine, and hers - is creeping into real life. The Other is ripping control from her shaky hands. Its twisting her into someone she never wanted to be - a literal worst version of herself, and, we find out - a real version, just from a different timeline. A broken one. A nonhuman one .. or that's what she says. But as we see this Other raise her voice, and read on in bafflement alongside Max, we get to see that her intentions, aren't necessarily evil. Has she done evil things? Yes. Did Max see her as evil? Yes, and even Chloe did for a while. But the big question I found myself asking, and Chloe eventually challenging is.. is the Other.. still Max? Is the worst reality, the worst view in the mirror, still us? All Wounds says yes. But not to give up hope, far from it - instead that we MUST confront these self made demons, we MUST accept these wounds for them to ever heal.   While spurred by a morality grounding near-death experience, that last fight at the End of Time - while a supernatural slew of symbolism, time travel, and dreamscapes - also sung to me of reality. That's what the best fantastical fiction is.   Amazing.

  To top it all off, the ending chapter was perfect. I'm not gonna lie, I teared up a bit. It felt right, and more importantly, real. Not some overdone fictional fanservice crap. But still the happy ending these women MORE than earned.   Through it all, the exploration of characters who didn't probably get what they deserved in LiS (I'm thinking about Victoria, but also Stella and even Joyce..) was really satisfying and ultimately shifted my perception of them.

  Honestly, there are so many quotable moments throughout this thing. (I have a ton of screenshots of some on my phone, actually.) But I'll go with .. "You Power isn't what makes you special, Max. Stop worrying about fixing. Focus on being. Yes, even those parts. That's all in the past. All I care about now is the future. And I want to share that future with you."

-Chloe 

 What you called experimental bullshit, I applaud. So.. Thanks for writing All Wounds.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael After Midnight: Cry Baby Lane

Creepypasta often speak of mysterious lost episodes. You have stuff like “Suicide Mouse,” “Dead Bart,” “Squidward’s Suicide,” all spooky episodes of cartoons that have brutal, gory, and unnerving content. Despite all of these stories being such hilariously obvious bullshit, some people have come to believe such episodes actually exist, but it’s just not possible, right? WRONG. Legends and creepypastas spoke of a lost film shown precisely once on Nickelodeon, a movie known as Cry Baby Lane, a movie that a creepypasta alleges is filled with gore and mutilation and was directed by an insane monster of a man who somehow managed to fill a children’s TV movie with the most horrifying, nightmarish images imaginable. For so long, the film was thought to belittle more than a legend… but eventually, a decade after its single time being played on TV in the 2000s, it was discovered, and the whole world was able to see the true horror!

...The true horror being that this movie is about as scary as a mediocre Goosebumps episode.

Yeah, the movie is real, the lost episode creepypastas were right, but this movie kinda defangs that concept by being one of the corniest, cheesiest pieces of kiddie schlock you can imagine. It’s to the point you gotta wonder if the rumors that parents complaining how dark this movie was were just a smokescreen, and this film was just such low quality that Nick decided to bury it and never speak of it again. But hey, maybe I’m being too harsh on this. Before we continue… how about a spooky ghost story, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

A long time ago there was born a pair of conjoined twins, one good and one evil, to a farmer who was so ashamed he locked them away. Then one got sick and cuz their bodies were joined together, they both died. The farmer sawed them in half and buried the good twin in the cemetery and the evil twin in a grave in the fields… except he didn’t. The bodies accidentally got switched. So when some dumbass kids go to the local cemetery to hold a séance they end up awakening the evil twin, who begins possessing every single person in the town, including our protagonist’s jerkass older brother. Can the younger brother defeat the evil twin and save the town, or is this little kid straight fucked?

The biggest problem of this movie is that there are so many characters in it and very little is done with any of them, and then what little IS done with them ranges from bad to creepy… but not in the way the filmmakers wanted, I imagine. The mom, for instance, is introduced as an overbearing, clingy bitch, and she just continues being a bitch throughout the whole movie, continuously making faces more horrifying than any of the ghost-possessed preteens. She doesn’t get a character arc and doesn’t even pop up in the end, basically disappearing halfway through. Then there’s the older brother, who is a total jerkass and abuses his brother, and at the end of the movie is only vaguely implied to be a little nicer. The absolute worst thing, though, is the pack of preteen girls, who go around causing problems and have an uncomfortably rapey scene with the underage protagonist in a dark cornfield at night, where they surround him and try and coerce him into kissing them. This movie is fucked up, but not in the way you want it to be.

That’s not to say there are no good characters in this movie, though. Frank Langella is here as Mr. Bennett, a cool old man who runs the funeral home and likes to tell ghost stories. He’s the best actor in the whole movie, but this is not shocking since Frank Langella played motherfuckin’ Skeletor, so it’s pretty much a given he’s pretty much a flawless master in everything he does. What’s shocking is that, in stark contrast to the mom, the dad is absolutely hilarious. While she is a shrill, overbearing bitch, the dad is a calm, collected deadpan snarker whose every line towards his wife is dripping with the distilled essence of a thousand eyerolls. He actually gives her reasonable parenting advice (which she ignores) and just makes every scene he’s in a little better. Mr. Bennett’s teen sidekick at the funeral home is actually pretty amusing as well for what a ditz he is, and he gets a few chuckles in the climax.

But what about the scary content that was promised by the creepypasta? The guts, the gore, the mutilated children! Well, aside from that admittedly fucked up story told over the opening, the villain manifests to the townsfolk mainly as… worms with a hideously glaring yellow-green effect over them. Yeah, nuclear worms sure are scary. The possessed people all get this milky white effect over there eyes, which is totally not scary in the slightest, and the atmosphere is just nonexistent. The worst Goosebumps episodes were better at setting the mood than this movie is. The evil twin, though, is actually pretty effective, since he is almost entirely kept in shadows and is only seen when he uses his demonic powers to pull people underground into his grave. Still, he ends up being more gross than scary when he picks up handfuls of worms and starts eating them. Still, the finale is pretty effectively dark, and the evil twin is delightfully hammy for his brief appearances… though since he died as a kid and the crying sounds he makes are that of a child, it makes you wonder how his evil ghost appears to be in his teens at least.

While there is nothing scary, there is something awesome: the score. That first one is so atmospheric and spooky, and then this next one.. Seriously, this stuff sounds like it’s straight out of the original trilogy Crash Bandicoot games! You half expect everyone’s favorite marsupial to prance through the graveyards at some point, or for the obnoxious kids to stumble into a bonus round for some extra Wumpa fruit and maybe a free life or two. As an added bonus, I swear some of it sounds like the puzzle room theme from Kirby: Planet Robobot. And then we have this tune, which sounds more suited to a fucking RPG than this movie! This just has a wildly inappropriate but awesomely cartoony score, and it really helps slather on the cheese for this ridiculous bullshit.

So… yeah. This does not live up to the promises made in the creepypasta AT ALL. This is a bunch of hokey, cheesy early 2000s schlock… but to be honest, I think that’s okay. If you’re ever paranoid about those ‘lost episode’ stories, this right here basically shows you exactly what one of those would be like: no gore, mutilated kids, and demonic subtext, just really crappy, embarrassing garbage that’s so cheesy you’ll get high cholesterol just from watching. This is not much to write home about, but honestly, there are worse ways to spend an hour. It’s not as horrifying as the story says, but hey, there’s a couple laughs to be had here, and that’s worth something in my book.

I mentioned this is a lot like a mediocre episode of Goosebumps, and that has me thinking… it’s the perfect season for it. Maybe I should talk about the best, cheesiest live action horror show for kids ever made…

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[enterthezoid]

GET OUT! The Black Comedy

Sunday. Matinee. Jordan Peele’s Get Out receives %100 on Rotten Tomatoes. Call up the crew. My home girls slide thru. The downtown theater is sold out, Cherry creek has plenty of seats. No surprise there. Get Popcorn. Get Cozy. Get Scared. Get Out!

A whole can of black and white worms was opened up in Jordan Peele’s soon to be cult classic film Get Out. A psychological thriller that leaves one hinged horrifically balanced in what is suppose to be a suspension of reality but rather is an actual heightened extension of it. Don't worry I won't be spoiling much for you in this post, merely giving you my emotional reaction to such a ride...

We are thrown onto a cathartic balance beam bereft by a post traumatic state of reliving horrors from life on the silver screen. We make our way through the witty and blunt humor and cringe when we come to those perilous bridges constructed by race and ignorance that are all too familiar; but this is suppose to be funny right, ha ha haaaa. 

A black man in his early twenties, sporting a head wrap and army jacket sits in front of me and my peanut gallery of queens with his blonded white girl. I nudge my girlfriend and we both begin to crack up at what might be their last date.

Discomfort shifts back and forth in the seats as we merge into the muddy waters of Anywhere, America, a suburb that might host a mall with a theater like the one we are sitting in, as couples of all shades grasp and laugh, and are silent, we are methodically lowered into a 'sunken place' where all is happening to us and we can do nothing but watch.

The elegance or Jordan Peele’s writing allows us to pirouette through racism that wears the mask of success and our psychological ties to an oppressor. Our protagonist, Daniel Kaluuya, plays Chris Washington, A young African American photographer who reminds me of many friends who bridge race and class divides with the success of their skill; bringing them deeper into a culture that is far set from their own, and the certain types of women and men that lurk there. 

As Chris finds out when he goes on a weekend trip to see the parents of his fresh 5 month relationship with Rose Armitage, played by Allison Williams, who also starred in the show Girls. Balancing us yet again on this crux of black men and white women. 

This film get's out the unique fears one might feel growing up in this country as an African-American and thrown into a supposed integrated world that is far from it. The pitfalls and jabs that one feels when all alone and facing the unfiltered wave of ignorant ass supremacy.

I think now on the many laughs me and my friends have about what we feel to be far fetched fears but come to life in this film! For example the true notion that as a black man I still get uncomfortable around too many white folks, no matter the nation, age or class, especially when alcohol is involved, cuz’ we all know that when the liquor starts flowing they mouthes open and just say the darnedest things to you,

“Oh I love your hair can I touch?”

"Oh Bro what sports you play?”

“Mmmm I heard about black men, is it true what they say?”

"How is it being black?"

“Wow look at this one, your smile, your teeth are so white?”

“Wow you speak so well and would never have thought!”

or my favorite:

"Hey man is just a joke, it's funny right?"

And I'm sure some will say most of those sound like complements and genuine politeness of a person trying to empathize with another. No. It is prattle and mockingly insulting. It stems from a place that attempts to gloss over the cacophony of horrid screams from the bloody mud of this land 'tis of thee. It reeks of appropriation, and genocide. It's an unaccepting ignorance that still wants to devour its dark, mysterious, prey. 

You see, the old shrills of uncles and grandfathers speaking of dragging and lynchings from a brother who went a little too far into the white world always left my superstitious eye on the exit signs of any downtown bar, frat house, or suburban house party, that is flooded with white people. All should be taught such cautions as well, for accurate history in this country is hard to...get out.

The film gives great one liners, and double entendre that will bury themselves deep into our context as Americans in dealing with the racial divide, one in particular had me weak throughout the film for its undoubted usage to try and mask one's prejudice tendencies:

"I would have voted for Obama for a third term if I could."  says the neurosurgeon father when first meeting his daughter’s black boyfriend. I've heard many well off, liberal, white men in power, use this as a way to diffuse a remarkably racist comment that preceded it or would come shortly after.

There is also a moment our protagonist must use 'cotton' in a way to try and overcome his captors. As well as a chokehold that is slowly counted out "1 mississippi, 2 mississppi..." Small relics, symbols, and adages that are doors into our poignant history. Perhaps my favorite of these is when another black man, played by Lakeith Stanfield, who also played in ATLANTA, is taken hostage by this strange town and explains what he feels about the black man's condition,

"In this county the black man has had a overall good time, and is born with great advantages, but hey I don't know much, I haven't wanted to leave the 'house' for quite some time." Oh how this rings of old Malcolm X speeches and uncle tom's cabin remakes, leaving a stark but humorous reminder of the house nigga who loves his master, and in fact wishes to be his master...

These little gems and many more bedazzle you in a film that uses the juxtaposition of imagery and satire to unravel the unspoken myths of American culture.

Perhaps what can't be glossed over is the true evil in the film appeared to some as a utter reflection of themselves. As I noticed in the young white girlfriend sitting in front of me who kept having to ask her black boyfriend what was so funny? Or embarrassingly apologizing since she had done some of those exact things. 

While with something like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or any other serial killer film the evil is an anomaly here it is the norm. This leaves the comments section of Get Out peppered by feelings of racism against Caucasians. Yet this is like every Hollywood film that portrays stereotypes of all other cultures in a menacing light. Not to mention as one home girl put it:

"So what about the micro aggression in suicide squad? The croc was clearly black watched bet ate Friday chicken wore velour suits with gold chain and listened to rap? I saw no white people complaining...Or when they make themselves the hero or savior of every film, last samurai, avatar, this Great Wall film that just came out; all under the guise the story won't be told/ watched if there isn't a white person in a lead role 🙄"

Oh how the kettle calls the pot! Well look, Here's an opinion of you outside of your own. good luck getting out of it!

A deep metaphor that runs through the core of this film is held in its appropriate title. Our protagonist must get out of a deep hole buried with in his subconscious, which is housed in the suburban outskirts, in a white picket fence mansion, in the heart of the white American dream. Can we escape our master's house, can we escape our master's women, can we escape our master's desires, can we escape our master? Must we escape from ourselves?

My palms were wet with sweat, gripping the theater chair arm rest as the film crescendos, and that feeling comes across you buried deep in your nerves from centuries of being hunted: Go! Go! Run! Get Out! As we have a hope that just maybe we will have a hero who runs off the psychological plantation into freedom! Away from the monstrous killer that was imbedded deep with in your own fears. Jordan Peele carried us to that deep seeded fear of the black man and white woman, that fear that underlies the belly of it all, of rape and murder and true horror.

Back into the woods and dark trees, where we hope our protagonist will not sink to that level that he is always portrayed, of beast, of burden, of object like they think he is, that he will not be caught, that he can find himself and get out alive with no regrets. And as the scene perches us all gripping each other, still, silent. Our protagonist becomes a hero under flashing lights.

To wash all of this down Jordan Peele naturally uses humor as the film’s saving grace. Unlike some race films like Birth of a Nation (the first one and the Nat Turner epic) Get Out doesn't leave one emotionally hateful and unstable, instead the ability to laugh at the portrayal of certain prejudices that we all have about each other allows us to experience the trauma with our serotonin popping; and with the aide of satire we can communicate why something is funny, and why something might be true.

It leaves us closer together rather than dividing us as I'm sure many will say. Embraced in a terror that lurks even here in the hazy February theater of a mall in Anywhere, America. 

This film get’s out the scariest nightmare, the one buried deep, the one you think is real. It get's out the stupidity of labels and walls that we put up because we are still ignorant of another's customs and stories and feelings. Well here we are, pressed tight together, from sea to shining sea, and from the repressed pits of a place, where we felt helpless, where we couldn't do anything, but sit there and watch TV, while our mothers and brothers, fathers and sisters, bled out in the streets and then were hung up like a deer's head in the den of your great grandfathers plantation mansion.

Here is a beautiful reflection of true horror, a real monster, dripped in gore, and fear, and honesty, as the deer’s head pierces your cornea and out oozes the greatest monster ever... a mirror. Can you get out of this image I present to you? Can you get out of your head? Can you get out of me?! But hey, it's only a joke, this is funny right?

Written by: Négré Micheaux 

for F!!!RE Magazine issue #1

[shadymultiverse]

Its really hard to not fucking reach out for validation. I know i wont get it and i knwo thathg litteraly everyone who spoke to me these past couple of days will not get what im trying to say anyway.

The gardest part is that I tried ti acknowledge them and to validate their feelings. I felt like they all made some valid points. I was obly hitting up my one friend when i needed aomething, but prior to getting to that point i tried to be a real friend to her. I really thought we had something real. She completely disproved all of that though. Leading with "i know we arent good friends" i guess we werent really.

When i was suicidal I didnt feel like I could confide in her. I didnt feel like they would care or understand. I hadd tried to tell them i wasnt ok but they just... disregarded the emotions. Every time i tried to talk they walked away from the conversation. If it got heavy at all they didnt want to have it.

So I jsut stopped trying.

I guess i dok nt really know how to be a friend to someone. She said you were always kind but thats not a friendship. I thought thats exactly what a friendship is. Your kind to each other, you laugh with each other and you seek each other out over other people because you like each other. I dont aprticularly like people. I cant spend much time with anyone or i get overwhelmed with all of their emotional bullshit, but i try to be as good a friend as i can.

But really... i dont want friends. Ive never had them for any amount of time. Ive never had anyone that ever wanted to stick around for more than a year or two.

Up until tuesday I had four exceptions to that reality.

Now i just have one.

I think its funny that she looked over my other friends shoulder saw her name and just fucking ran with it. I wasumping her into a category but she decide di was talking dhit about her behind her back. I think thats such a fucking childish notion.

Soemthing shes super fucking agressive about but i happen to know she does all the time. And whats even funnier... I wasmt tlaking shit. God. I just hate that its considered that to ever even mention anothe rperson i must be a shit talker.

Is it shit talking when jts truth? When its just mentioning someone? When its barely even a thing? She just fucking took off with it and fucking ran away

She shamed me as well. And she doubted me

If you were suicidal....

Not if, nah, i was suicidal.

Verything about this stupidity is in the phrasing. If i was suicidal. The fact thay i didnt like you game didnt mean that i didnt like you. No it qas all in the way that you went about telling me how much you ficning hated it. The entire time we playe dit. You fucking belitted and put it down. You treated thw game like it was the biggest waste of your time.

Im sorry that i tried to do somethi g fun instead of fucking sitting in a tiny ass room getting fucking wasted.

I think its important to be realistic about what and who upset you. Which is why i said you and her when speaming to my first friend about all of this.

What frustraits me the most is that Chanda assaulted me verbally so quicy and entirely that i didnt even get to rpocess what i had said to aubrey or what she had responded with. It became a out Chanda and the chip on her shoulder.

I realky dont want to talk to her again but i also hate the way that it was left. The totality of how little she acknowledged my pain.

Nd yet i know i hit a lot of nerves. I have to remember thag. I hit nerves and thats why she blew up the way she did. It was really clear by how agressive and falsely nice she was being from begining to end. It was clear to me that she was absolitely fucking furious with me. I dont think it qas so much with me but her own inability to acknowledge her fualta.

No one wants to think that them spending 3 hours belittling a game is going to damage someones fucking heart as much as it can. When something is am extension of yourself and someone steps all over it its fucking hard to feel anything except stupid for trying to include anyone in your stuff.

And when every time you end up hanging out with someone its only because you reached out to them, you took the time to talk to them. Or they happened to be soemwhere you ended up. They never try so of course you focus on what you can get from them instead of what you can give them. When your already doing everything you can...

I see it all over the place in my world. Ive got so few people that actually reach out. Just the one, really. She texts me i text her, we call each other. Sometimes we go weeks without talking but it doesnt bother me cuz i onow that shes busy or im busy or whatever.

Ive done three experiments with those other three friends to see how long it would take for them to message me first. Every time i ended up being the one to reach out.

When in a room together i tried to communicait and i tried to be open ut i meber felt heard. And clearly i wasnt because my feels came as a total shock when revealed.

I was the only person activy trying to be a friend. And maybe thats ebcause my biew of friendhaip amd their view of friendship are different from mine but these are new a bounderies that i am trying to fucning establishm bounderies so i dont feel used and ignored and otherwise mistrwated by my friends.

I want to feel ehard by them. I want to be able to have real conversatuons with them about anythjng and everything. I dont want to feel like they are belittling me about tje things i like. I want to get text messages like the ones i send. I want to have open and valuable communication. I want truat. I want people to understand the different between talking shit and establishing a pattern and getting advice.

I dont want to feel so cornered that i get viscious if they are someone i care about. I do not like that i have been pushed into being viscious thia week ebcause i like to be mean and when i release that person she takes ober and she is a truely cruel human being with mor egard for anyones emotiona. I like her because shes firm and shes realistic and shes gets shit done ut ahe also kind of scares me and she ruins my hard work....

Of courae if i would just let her take the reigns i might actually be out of my situation by now knstead of circling the suicidal drain off and on for the last 6 years....