#maybe it's the guilt of it that drives people to want to justify it or make it look like others are just as bad

[pearwaldorf]

I hate that you can't see a tweet thread anymore if you're not logged into Twitter (as a gesture of disrespect I refuse to call it by its rebranded name). Here is a copypasta of a thread from Dan Olson, a Canadian documentary filmmaker, expanding upon camera quality, the guilt trips Somerton used to goose his Patreon subscriptions, and how the best tools will never make up for lack of dedication or patience. I have added clarifications in [[double brackets]] where I feel it is necessary.

START OF THREAD

Okay, so, back in April I snapped at James in reply to a tweet that was linking to this video (which James has since delisted but not deleted) and I want to talk about the full context of that but I don't want to make a video, put your beatdown memes away. [[The video has since been deleted. I can see the title of the video is "Maybe the end (not an April Fool's Day thing".]]

The first bit of context is that I initially got keyed into James to fact-check his claims about indie filmmaking in Canada. As a filmmaker the entire Telos venture was immediately obvious as a juvenile fantasy dreamed up by someone with no idea how to make a movie.

Just wild claims about their plans that weren't worth debunking because they bordered Not Even Wrong. But in watching one of these pitch videos I noticed that he had a $4000 current-gen camera in the background as a prop, and that seemed both pretentious and weird.

You don't use your best camera as a prop, you use your second best camera as a prop. So being an obsessive weirdo I needed to know, and I watched his BTS stuff until I spotted his main rig, a $6000 camera with about $1000 in accessories.

Now, these in isolation are unremarkable because his Patreon at the time was bringing in ~$8000 per month, his channel was a full on Business business, and so investing in some professional equipment of that level is maybe a bit indulgent but justifiable.

What was weird is that he doesn't shoot multi-cam, doesn't shoot outdoors, doesn't shoot on location, and in a studio the two cameras kinda really step on each others' toes. Basically if you already have one and don't need a B cam there's no reason to get the other.

Again, on its own, this says nothing, it's just indicative of poor financial decisions, maybe impulsive purchasing, Gear Acquisition Syndrome. Biblical sins, but not crimes.

Paired with the constantly inflating fantasy scope of the Telos films it was clearly an expression of a very, very common bad filmmaker habit of "if I just get the right gear then my movie will basically make itself" Buying stuff because it feels like progress.

At the end of February he tweets "I want to start shooting anamorphic" and then three weeks later in March he posts the worst, out of focus, under-exposed "I just got a new lens!" video I've ever seen, showing off his trash-covered bedroom.

Based on what's available for his cameras and the lead time, that's enough time to get a Laowa Nanomorph or Sirui Saturn from B&H but not enough time to get a Great Joy from the UK or a Vazen from China. And with the flaring blah blah blah, $1300 lens.

Again, [gear acquisition syndrome] is not a crime and these lenses are budget options. Bit of a pointless impulse purchase since he only used it for the Showgirls video. But this is what he was doing just a few weeks before that above video came out: effortlessly impulse purchasing lenses.

James has (had?) a habit of regularly, aggressively driving viewers to Patreon by claiming that videos were getting demonetized. While tacky, it is something a lot of queer YouTubers have dealt with, so there's precedent there. But people were noticing he did it a lot.

Mid-March he humble brags about needing to work so hard to make 6 videos in April because he has over-booked sponsorships.

Then March 29th James posts this whole incel screed on Twitter about how sex work should be "subsidized as a mental health service."

[two image descriptions.

1. "For the majority of people sex (and human contact) can be imperative to a healthy state of mind. A kind and talented sex worker can make someone feel wanted for the first time in their life. I know sex workers who have pulled people back from suicide just by being there for them." 2. "Not only should (sex work) be legal, but it should be subsidized as a mental health service."]

He spends several days getting absolutely *roasted* for this, just dragged across the pavement and read for filth, and doubles down in the replies the whole way.

So this is the context immediately surrounding James waking up on Friday, and posts the above video and the below tweet.

[image description: "We just got the lowest Patreon payout we've gotten in well over a year. Like, a "maybe we need to rethink things" kind of amount... NOT an April Fools Day thing btw. But I don't know if we'll be making videos much longer."]

Now, this unfolds in kinda two directions. The first is that I'm convinced he was just lying about this income shock in the first place.

There's a million theoretical edge cases about what maybe happened and if maybe he just misunderstood the data or saw a glitch and panicked, maybe one of those happened, I don't believe it, I think he just lied because he was salty about getting dragged and felt owed a win.

A big tell to me is that he doesn't blame Patreon. He says he doesn't know what happened, but let's be real, Patreon screws up all the time, they're the first people anyone blames if anything confusing happens, just as a reflex action, even if it's completely not their fault.

The only reason to not blame Patreon is if you already know that it's not their fault and that any investigation on their part might reveal embarrassing details.

Instead he indirectly blames his viewers for not watching enough, not sharing enough, and not turning on auto-renew.

So regardless of the unknowable truth, this segues into the second, far more offensive direction of the messaging itself. "I don't know if we'll be making videos much longer." "Maybe the end" He explicitly framed this as an immediate existential threat to his channel.

In the video he is vague about everything, leaves a ton of hazy room for plausible deniability on how long the channel can keep going, but the messaging is "I need more patrons right this minute or my YouTube channel is over."

He repeatedly evokes all the "fun stuff" they had planned that would never see the light of day if this didn't turn around right away.

And his audience received this message loud and clear. Tons of people making far, far, far less than him left very heartfelt messages about digging a little deeper to subscribe or up their pledge or unsubscribe from other channels to move their pledge to his.

1200 new patrons in one day.

Since I simply don't believe the income shock was real in the first place that would put his post-"Maybe the end" Patreon income at around $10,000 per month. US. Add YouTube income, he's spent the last seven months making around $18,000 per month.

I have seen creators scale back their capabilities to the bone purely to keep making videos for the love of just, like, making stuff even as their funding evaporated and they needed to go back to a desk job to cover their bills.

You'd have to be so outstandingly reckless with your finances as a channel that a one month spook leads immediately to "channel over, sorry about all the fun stuff we won't get to do with you, our patrons, specifically because you, our patrons, aren't giving us enough money"

And not a spook where you then spend a couple weeks crunching numbers. Oh no. A shock so violent where less than two hours later you're weeping on camera about the channel being over.

Three weeks later he brought a brand new Sony FX6v for $8000 CAD to add to his pile of cinema cameras despite the fact that he was, but scant moments earlier, in such a precarious position that a single bad month would kill his channel.

He stole your money, and for that I'm profoundly sad and angry. That's why I snapped at him in April. I'm sorry I couldn't give you the full context then, and I'm sorry if that anger upset you.

END OF THREAD

[synthetickitsune]

svt + who would sacrifice you to save the world vs sacrifice the world to save you A/N: i'd once again like to thank @hanniedream for driving me insane ♡

S.Coups ❧ Chooses you, over and over and over. Selfishly. So fast he doesn’t get to think about the consequences. It hurts him and it breaks him, and he’ll be the most possessive and protective of you in the aftermath. The only way he might not choose you is if you beg him not to. Maybe. But his body is already molded to only feel complete with you in his arms.

Jeonghan ❧ Chooses the world and he makes sure you understand it’s an apology to you. He will think of it as setting you free, allowing you to see more precious things that do not exist in this world. He will think of it as taking it easy - you know he gets tired quickly. Wherever you are, you will prepare a life where he can join you one day.

Joshua ❧ Chooses the world, and will spend the rest of his life mourning you, praying for your forgiveness. He wants to have hope, he wants to be glad about the choice he made. He surrounds himself with joy to feel justified in his actions. Nothing works. He retracts into the depths of his soul. Abandons his life, as if he lost any right to it after what he’s done.

Jun ❧ Chooses you. If the world came to a point where a person has to be sacrificed for it to continue, the feelings and lives of the people around them disregarded, that is no world that is right. He is angry and his fury burns doubts away, leaving only determination. A world like that is one worth abandoning. Where there’s will, there’s a way. He’ll create a kinder world.

Hoshi ❧ Chooses you, despite everything, because he can’t let go. He’ll hold onto you too tightly, so he can forget the things he sacrificed. He’ll carry enough guilt for both of you. He’s haunted by nightmares that only your heartbeat can chase away. Part of him wants to regret it, but his heart knows there never was any other possible outcome.

Wonwoo ❧ Chooses the world, because it’s the rational choice that he knows he’ll deeply regret in waves, but knows you won’t and that you will understand because you trust him like that. Everything will remind him of you, he’ll search for you sometimes, driving himself crazy trying to forget what happened. He can’t be left alone when he remembers he won’t find you.

Woozi ❧ Chooses the world, because you deserve better. He’ll live with the feeling that it’s just an excuse, even though he knows if he chose you, you’d hate yourself for it. And he’d hate himself for making you live with that guilt, in the world that is not the one you shared before. His yearning is dangerous and painful, all he can do is hope you can hear his apologies where you are.

The8 ❧ Chooses the world, because he loves it. Because he loves you, and he knows you won’t just disappear. You’ll linger around him in his heart and memories, in the wind caressing his face, in the water hugging him tight while he swims in the ocean. You’ll continue on his journey with him, and one day he’ll fill you in on the bits you missed. He will meet you again.

Mingyu ❧ Chooses the world, but cries before, during, and after going through with it. He can’t look at you, he can’t look at anyone afterwards. He believes he is a monster for being able to do that, and for believing he made the right choice. Every day he needs to find another reason to excuse what he’s done. You always told him to be strong when he was struggling - would you be proud of him for holding on?

DK ❧ Chooses the world, only because he knows that’s what you’d want. He runs away from the choice for as long as he can, just so that maybe he doesn’t need to make the choice. Was it inevitable? Or could it be avoided if you never met him? The world ended for him anyway, even as it keeps turning. It’s just as cold and empty as the universe enveloping it.

Seungkwan ❧ Chooses you. He wants to be a hero but he isn’t. He’ll apologize until the end of time for bringing this on both of you, he’ll be careful with the fragile and broken pieces of the two of you that the choice left behind, and take responsibility for his decision. He’ll make you happy. It’s never gonna be enough, but he’ll fill your world with every precious thing he can.

Vernon ❧ Chooses the world, but only because he believes he’ll meet you again soon. Every night he falls asleep thinking of the multiverse - there must be endless numbers of Vernons who chose you as you deserved, and there must be an equal number of Vernons who made the same choice as him and are hurting just as much.

Dino ❧ Chooses you, because he has a duty to fulfill and promises to keep. He couldn’t live with himself knowing he betrayed you like that. He promises to himself it will be a fresh start. You’ll do what you’ve always wanted together. The world always eventually heals itself. He promises to himself he’ll make it work if it’s the last thing he does - and he always keeps his promises.

[kirain]

What's your take on the whole Max and Chloe break up in Double Exposure?

Also are you going to play it? I enjoyed your analysis of True Colors and Before the Storm.

Thank you! And oh boy...

My friends and I have actually been talking about this for the past few days, and maybe it's just my specific friend group, but ... we're fine with it? 😅

None of us sacrificed Arcadia Bay for Chloe. I'd say half of my friends hate her and half of them love her, but even my friends who love/relate to her couldn't justify it to themselves. One girl from our group, who dyed her hair blue after playing the game and absolutely worshipped Chloe, still chose Arcadia Bay. So from that standpoint, none of us are really hurting from Deck Nine's decision.

As for the people who are hurting, I'm sorry. Truly. I'm sorry you're disappointed. I understand how it feels and it sucks, especially when you chose Chloe despite the consequences. That was your decision and you had the right to make it. You had the right to enjoy it. Narratively, though ... it does makes sense. At least in my eyes. The only aspect that doesn't is Chloe ending up with Victoria, which I've heard happens? But I've searched high and low and that doesn't seem to be confirmed anywhere. There's a message where Victoria and Chloe go to a concert together, but that doesn't mean they're a couple, so I think this is just a stretch from angry players.

Other than that, I don't find Deck Nine's thought process all that outrageous. Their reason for breaking up is something I considered when it came time to choose between Chloe and the town. Chloe openly asks you to sacrifice her, saying that her mom and everyone else in Arcadia Bay deserves better—and I agree. Joyce, David, Warren, Kate, Alyssa, Stella, Dana, Daniel, Ms. Grant, Samuel the custodian, they all deserve to live. Even the characters we don't like, like Taylor and Victoria, at least deserve a chance. They're teenagers.

If you sacrifice Arcadia Bay, the animation when Max and Chloe drive through the demolished town clearly shows an air of regret on Max's face. She refused Chloe's first and only selfless demand and let thousands die for her; animals, men, women, and children. I personally find it difficult to believe that their relationship could work after that. Even the comics explore this concept, with Max leaving Chloe for a while because she can't handle the guilt.

The first Life is Strange is essentially a game about a girl who can't stop running from the past and a girl who can't let go of it. Given what Max and Chloe go through together, and considering how different they are as individuals, it's perfectly reasonable to assume that, as they grow and mature into adults, they wouldn't be able to salvage a slowly breaking relationship. Chloe would forever see the girl that killed thousands—including her own mother—for her, while Max would see a constant reminder of all the people she killed. It's a very realistic outcome for Pricefield, if we're being honest. And according to the letters, Chloe wanted to move on, but Max couldn't, while Max felt like Chloe was being a hypocrite. It's raw and complex and entirely believable.

Not to mention the first game never promises that Max and Chloe become a couple. You can sacrifice Arcadia Bay without romancing Chloe. There's two variants, couples or besties. So how on earth was Deck Nine going to cater to everyone, especially when there's a timeline where Chloe is dead? It would be impossible without making two drastically different games. Their only option was to remove Chloe from the plot entirely (alienating her fans) or miraculously revive her, in which case she would become the main focus of the story instead of Sifa, and it would negate the majority of people's decision from the first game. Nearly 60% of players sacrificed Chloe across the board, so I can understand why Deck Nine gave that outcome precedence. But it was a lose/lose situation from the start, so perhaps the best argument one can make is that they shouldn't have made a new game at all.

NOTE: I just found out that in the comics, Victoria and Chloe actually become good friends and Victoria matures a ton, so I dunno. Maybe the two of them getting together makes sense after all. 🤷‍♀️ That said, the comics aren't canon to the games and, in my opinion (based on what I've researched), they seem like a fanfic written to try and justify the sacrifice of thousands of innocent people, so I'm pretty indifferent to them.

Of course, there is another detail I've rarely seen people broach when discussing this drama: we don't really know anything yet. Above all, I think we need to remember that the game isn't finished. We've only seen two episodes. We have no idea where the narrative is going. For all we know, Max and Chloe might get back together by the end. Or even more likely, this is an alternate timeline Max. Much like the comics, this is just one of infinite possibilities. I think people need to calm down and hold their criticisms until we see the final product.

[omokers]

#still boggles the mind that anyone could accuse YQY of being a creepy stalker#in a cast of characters that contains luo fucking binghe

The more deep I fall into SVSSS the more any sort of animosity between Cucumber Qingqiu and Yue Qingyuan or Yue Qingyuan ignoring boundaries in fics makes me twitch

Cucumber Qingqiu sees Yue Qingyuan as an older brother figure and is very fond of him

He is not creeped out by him or avoids him or whatever

And Yue Qingyuan is fully supportive of any Shen Qingqiu even if he finds Cucumber Qingqiu puzzling in some ways and soul destroying in others

(it's great that Shen Qingqiu seems more at peace but heart wrenching that he doesn't remember their past)

And like yes Yue Qingyuan struggles to know the correct distance to keep with Shen Jiu but that's because Shen Jiu clings to him as much as he pushes him away. They both struggle with knowing where the boundaries are because what they want and what their secrets are demanding are two different things

But Cucumber Qingqiu is fond and pleasant and friendly but also doesn't have any of the connection that drove the intense relationship between Shen Jiu and Yue Qingyuan

And because he clearly doesn't remember him or their past or their connection he maintains a careful distance of caring older brother figure and nothing more

Because thats what makes this Shen Qingqiu happy

So stop making them at odds!

Stop making Yue Qingyuan out to be this awful creepy abusive person!

[whathorselegs]

On the one hand I am very curious to know what Fyodor's actual motivation behind all his actions is. On the other hand, if Crime and Punishment is anything to go by, it's simply cause he feels entitled to it.

Like I'm sure there are deeper justifications for why he's doing all this. If we take him at his word, he wants to rid the world of sin and believes skill users to be part of that sin. Just like Raskolnikov justified killing the old lady because she was taking advantage of people who were destitute (like Raskolnikov) by being a pawn broker, in Crime and Punishment.

Or so he says.

He spends almost the entire book justifying his actions by saying he literally has the right to kill because he's a superior mind. Something Fyodor believes about himself, in terms of intellect Fyodor believes he has the lion's share and everyone else is dim and predictable.

Raskolnikov publishes a paper about superior men and their right to change history by making sacrifices. It doesn't matter that they leave masses of bodies in their wake because those bodies were of unimportant dumb common people. People meant to die so that the superior man can see his plans through and makes changes that will ultimately benefit humankind, even if they are reviled for it.

Raskolnikov also believes himself to be one of these people at the start of the book. By his logic him killing the old lady, who brought misery to others with her loan sharking, was ok because eventually Raskolnikov will go on to do great things.

However, over the course of the book, this belief is shaken, proven false and he is left with the guilt of doing something completely terrible. He is not a superior mind and in fact he has to confront the reality he killed that woman because he wanted to see if he could. Then it ends with him facing consequences, repenting and symbolically being reborn as a new man after his prison sentence is served.

My hope is, it turns out the same with Fyodor. He's spent years convincing himself he simply has the right to cause so much pain because he's above everyone else. I want that logic unravelled before his eyes and the realization he's not special, he did it all for nothing, he hurt leagues of people all for nothing. I want it to drive him to the same insanity Raskolnikov experienced and I want him to admit he was wrong.

Idk what consequences he will face, but I hope it's not simply death. He deserves to face more than just death, I want him to live with what he's done, I want to see him imprisoned by his own guilt.

And just like Raskolnikov I do also want the hope that maybe somehow, he can start over.

Death is almost never a consequence in BSD, it's a tragedy. It doesn't end events, it rather changes them and unfolds new ones. For me death doesn't seem like the right way to end Fyodor's defeat.

[carriedawatermelon]

Ronance kinktober, the third. Heads up, this is basically just a Nancy Wheeler character study. I love her so deeply, and she deserves so much and I got to writing and suddenly there was >4k words of Nancy Wheeler learning to forgive herself and want things. There is Barb, there is comphet, there is angst, and then, of course, there is Ronance and soft filth. It's a happy story except for the ways we know it isn't.

Prompt: Virginity (very loose interpretation, as I am wont)

Nancy spent most of her life before Barb died doing exactly what she was supposed to do. She was a great student. She was a disciplined dancer. She watched her younger siblings when her parents asked and she passed her driver’s permit test the first time because she followed every direction she got in driver’s ed. Her makeup was present but not overdone; her clothes were ironed and organized; her socks matched and her nails, if painted, were never allowed to chip, the color rubbed away at the first sign of mess. 

She thought for a long time that Steve had been her first rebellion, with his roguish smile and his wandering hands. She’d felt a little thrill in her stomach when she let him kiss her, let him crawl through her window, felt his eyes on her body in a way that wasn’t friendly at all. She’d felt brave when she shotgunned that beer, like an adult when she’d pulled her sweater off and offered herself to him. She wasn’t supposed to do that. She wasn’t supposed to do that, but she did it anyway. 

And then, of course, it all made sense, everything that followed after. Nancy had been bad, had done bad things, and Barb had suffered. People suffer, when you act badly. She’d known that. She’d been taught that her whole life, in Sunday school and during sermons, before her parents found the social capital gained from a church pew didn’t justify the time lost. In other ways, too, though. Nancy didn’t finish her homework ahead of time? Holly had to play alone when she babysat. Nancy stayed up reading and overslept? Her dad was worse than ever before he left for work, angry that her mom was busy getting Mike and Holly up the way Nancy usually did instead of making breakfast. Nancy ate a second cookie while she put the dishes away? There were only three left when the boys took a break from their game, and Will Byers went without, saying he didn’t want one anyway, when the others went to rock, paper, scissors for it. 

All of the rest of it, her name on the marquee, her unhappiness with Steve and then with Jon, Vecna and the visions of Barb—Nancy had strayed and had never quite come back and so of course things were never quite right. There was an itch under her skin because she’d put it there, and it was hers to bear. 

Hers and Jon’s, she realized one day, and the next made sure it wasn’t any longer. Selfish, the little voice in her mind, run through with strands of Vecna, whispered. And maybe it was, but also it wasn’t. He deserved better. 

You do, too. And this voice was run through with strands of Barb, fierce and firmly on her side, appearing more and more since Nancy had sawed off the end of a shotgun and marched into hell. So don’t, it had told her when she felt too tired to drive to Jon’s after a volunteer shift. Eat it, it had told her when she opened the freezer for ice and found her mom had gotten rocky road, felt a pang of want and a familiar sense of shame. You don’t have to do this, it had whispered gently as she wandered away into her mind when Jon’s hands reached under her shirt. 

The parts of her that had always been hard to wrangle had become almost impossible to get back into line, and on her own for the first time since she was fifteen, that ever-louder part of herself wondered, why should they have to? The itch remained, but it was different, a kind of challenge. Why? It asked. Why, why, why? 

When the anniversary of Barb’s death rolls around during her first semester away, the familiar waves of guilt and shame and grief rolling over her, something new happens. Why do you think this was your fault? And suddenly, I did a bad thing can’t carry the weight she’s been trying to make it bear. I made the choice to go upstairs. I left you alone. I slept with him.

A monster from another dimension stole me, Nancy. 

You cried out for me. You cried out for me and I wasn’t there. You were scared and confused and I wasn’t there.

Of course you weren’t there. Because I was sitting on the diving board at Steve Harrington’s house and a monster took me into hell. We were sixteen, Nancy. I was sitting by the pool. 

It’s not right. It’s not right. It’s not right. 

No. It’s not right. That doesn’t make it your fault. You’re too smart for that. 

You’re stuck in that pool. You’re still sixteen and you’re stuck in that pool. What am I…how do I…how am I supposed to know that and be okay?

Nancy. I’m gone, remember. Gone. He doesn’t have me. Not anymore. 

It’s all Barb. So thoroughly Barb, so perfectly, fully her, and Nancy’s sobbing, grasping at her comforter and trying how to remember to breathe. Because what happens when she forgets what that means? Barb is gone, and Nancy has to keep her, and what happens when the time she’s been gone is longer than the time she was here? What happens when Nancy’s memory can’t hold her the way she deserves to be held? 

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you’re gone. I miss you. I miss you. I don’t know how…I don’t know how to understand.

Well, duh. I was taken by a monster. Have you been listening? There’s no understanding that. But understand this: My life wasn’t a tax. Don’t let yours be a punishment. Be mad at the right people, if you need to be mad. But Nancy, it wasn’t your fault. 

Something in her cracks open, and she cries for Barb, and for herself, in a whole new way. 

She is angry, she finds. And she’s been angry at them before—at the Hawkins Police for writing her off, writing Barb off; at the feds and the Russians and all of them who looked at El and saw not a little girl but a tool to be used; at her father and her mom and the rest of the adults who’d pulled wool over their eyes while their children nearly died, again and again. But she’s never let herself consider how all of those things had mattered before, how Nancy, sixteen and trying so hard to be everything everyone expected her to be, might not have been responsible for her best friend’s death. 

The guilt’s not gone, but it feels different, and she feels different, and it’s strange, in a good way, to start letting herself exist more easily. The voice begins to give affirmations, not just permission, Nancy reaching for what she wants on instinct sometimes. 

It’s not the voice, but Nancy, that thinks, not for the first time, she’s handsome, when she and Robin and Steve are sprawled in Steve’s living room one summer afternoon. Nancy’s back from Emerson, and she’s staying back, a transfer acceptance from Northwestern bringing such relief that she’d cried happy tears over her lit paper and had to type it again. 

Not the first time she’s had the thought, not the hundredth, probably, if she’s honest about the last two months, but it is the first time that the voice answers, with the casual kind of challenge that makes Nancy’s competitive side flare, that makes her the worst kind of friend to have on board game night. So do something about it. 

She does, two nights later, Steve on a date while she and Robin are propped against the sofa in her basement, watching Star Wars on the set her dad brought down when he brought home the new one a few months ago. The tape had already been in and it's background noise anyway, the two of them talking through it from the start. 

Robin’s head is leaned against the sofa cushion, facing Nancy, and she’s laughing, because Nancy made her laugh, and it feels exactly right to say, “You’re very handsome.”

It feels exactly right to reach over and touch her blushing cheek. It feels better than she could’ve imagined to hear Robin, shaky but with her eyes locked on Nancy, say, “You’re beautiful. I’ve spent the whole night thinking that. I spend most nights thinking that, if we’re being honest.”

“We’re being honest,” Nancy responds, bringing herself closer, moving her hand to cup her face, to run a thumb over her cheekbone. “I want to kiss you. I’d like to do something about that.”

Robin closes the distance, bright blue eyes fluttering shut just before their lips touch, and Nancy follows suit, letting herself fall into the feeling of it, the taste of Milk Duds and the waxy press of chapstick, the smooth line of Robin’s jaw, so different and so right. It’s innocent, and it stays that way, Robin holding her while they keep kissing and talking until Steve’s calls to say he’s not bringing the girl home and he’s on his way. She blushes as Nancy kisses her at the basement door, and Nancy presses a kiss to the blush, too. 

“See you tomorrow,” she says, voice rasping in the way that makes Nancy want to swallow it. They’ve got a date, a real one, at the drive-in.

“See you tomorrow,” she echoes, and when the door closes, she floats upstairs and into her bedroom, crawling into her bed with a feeling so foreign she’s not sure what to do with it. 

Oh, she thinks, grasping for truth in the dark. Oh. And suddenly the stories she told herself about Steve and about Jonathan come tumbling down again. Because she thought it had been rebellion, pulling her sweater over her head in Steve’s room, pushing her hesitations and nerves to the side as nothing more than prissy barriers. She thought it had been Nancy off the beaten path, finding Jonathan in the dark at Murray’s, letting his hands strip her and his body cover hers. It had been wrong, to let them touch her. So of course it had felt that way, too. 

Except. Except. 

She’s crying, big, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. How long have I been letting other people tell me what I want? She feels so silly, so small, dirty, in a way she never has before. Rebellion? She’s shaking, feeling want in her body, feeling in her body, and god, god, god. 

You’re okay. You’re okay. You’ll be okay. 

I’m so stupid.

Barb doesn’t answer, because Nancy doesn’t know how. 

Robin can tell something’s wrong, because she knows Nancy, has known her for years now, and Nancy doesn’t want to keep this from her anyway. 

“It’s not you,” she says, when she sees the doubt shining in Robin’s eyes. “It’s how much I want you.” Her voice is quieter. “I feel…I don’t know. I feel dumb. For not knowing. For…”

“I’ve got an idea,” Robin says, voice soft and hand over Nancy’s, and Nancy keeps learning what it means to want. 

Instead of the drive-in, they get milkshakes to go, and they drive a few miles past the town line, to the state park up the river, a spot Robin knows. 

Nancy’s driving, because Robin doesn’t take the test for a few more weeks, the sky blue truck she’s bought still not quite ready for the road. “I wanna take the test in my own car,” she’d said, excited, when she’d showed it to Nancy their first week back in town, and Nancy had watched her in her undone overalls in the morning summer sun and thought handsome for the first time. 

She apologizes again, hand holding Nancy’s over the console, and Nancy smiles at her. “You’ll be driving us around soon enough,” she says, fondness obvious, and the way Robin looks at her has her stomach in her throat. 

Milkshakes mostly finished on the drive, they spread a blanket over a big rock, lay back together and look at the stars. 

“I think I’m a homosexual,” Nancy says, fingers tight in Robin’s on the blanket between them. Robin waits, which makes Nancy want to kiss her, because she knows waiting isn’t Robin’s default mode. She forces herself to keep going. “I slept with Steve. I slept with Jonathan. I thought I wanted it. It’s not like…they didn’t force themselves on me, or anything. I…I asked them to…to touch me. Sometimes.”

Robin’s looking at her when she turns her head, blue eyes glinting in the full moon, and she’s got a small smile on her face, like she’s there, like she’s listening. 

“Is it weird…to talk to you about this? About Steve?”

“Only if it’s weird for you,” Robin says, after long enough that Nancy knows she’s really thought about it. “This isn’t about him. I’m not thinking about him.”

“Thank you,” Nancy whispers, and then keeps going at the squeeze of Robin’s fingers, the tick at the corner of her mouth. “I want you,” she says, like it’s a fact. Because it is, right now. It’s a fact she can’t quite process. “I want you in a way that I never wanted them. And I don’t…I feel so stupid, because I let them…I told myself I wanted…” She shakes her head at Robin, because she’s lost, now.

“You’re not stupid, Nancy.” She’s soft, in a way that Nancy thinks might just be for her, for them. “You’re the smartest person I know. And the bravest. You’re not stupid, okay? I’m gonna…the rest of it, I think maybe I have��but I just need you to hear that first, okay?”

“Okay,” she says, and hears Barb, distantly. She’s right. And you should listen. 

“There’s…okay hear me out. I know I can, um, I know books don’t like, fix everything.”

“Robin,” Nancy says, fond, because Robin’s hedging for someone other than Nancy, and Nancy’s the only one here. 

“Right, yeah, sorry.” She brings Nancy’s hand to her mouth and kisses her knuckles, does it so casually that it makes Nancy’s breath stutter, but Robin’s already going again. “There’s an essay. By Adrienne Rich. We read it in my women’s book club, and I’ll bring it to you. But she has this idea, this theory. Not just her, and there's more to it than this, but like." She sighs, says quietly, "Okay, Robin. Not important right now." Her voice raises again, and Nancy is going to have to get used to the surprise of desire, apparently, the way it can swirl softly with affection. "She has this idea that we’re all sort of, born into these expectations, and it’s really hard to break out of them. Compulsory heterosexuality. Women are expected to make their lives about men. To love men. That’s the sort of, that’s the default, or whatever. A girl is born, and the world says to her, welcome, girl, here are the men you should care for.”

Nancy processes, says, nervous, “But it doesn’t…I chose to…to be with them.”

Robin nods and hums. “Yeah. Yes. It’s not…it’s not that you’re suddenly, like, a puppet, or something. It’s more like…like, there were expectations, right? Even if they were never said out loud. Like nobody ever had to tell you that you should want a boyfriend or wanna get married, or whatever. That you should make those things part of your life. Except everybody was actually telling you that all the time. Without saying it out loud.”

“Oh,” she says, caught in the memory of her frustration at Barb’s unwillingness to just go along, at the chafe of her insistence on being different. 

“Yeah?” Robin’s blinking at her, curious. At Nancy’s nod, she keeps going. “So then, like, how are you supposed to imagine anything different? How are you supposed to know you can want something else?”

“You knew,” Nancy whispers. “And I knew you. I knew…I knew homosexuals existed.”

“Sure,” Robin says, crooked smile fully in place. “But what did you know? Before you knew me, you probably knew, what? That gay men existed? That they lived somewhere, in big cities? Doing theater? Or that they…” She frowns. “That they were dying, somehow? From being gay?” Her fingers tighten around Nancy’s again, her face drawn. “And what did you know about me? That I was different. That I was scared. That I had to leave Hawkins to feel like I could really be myself and not get the shit beat out of me or worse by Tommy H or some other goon at the gas station. And then I come back looking like this. Like your dad’s worst nightmare come to prey on his little girl.”

Nancy can’t help it, then, anger and sadness and a snarling protectiveness taking her over. She moves, and Robin sees her, smiles softly and opens her arm in invitation. She looks a little surprised when Nancy shakes her head, spreads her own arm wide and pulls Robin into her chest.

“Okay?” Nancy says, feeling right, right, right, with Robin resting on her, her fingers running through short locks. 

“Yeah. Yeah,” she laughs. “More than okay. God, that feels good.”

“You’re exactly what I want.” It’s firm and true, and Robin’s hand splays over her ribs in response. “And I want you very badly.”

“Well, fuck, Nancy.” Robin’s voice is half-teasing, half-something else. Something breathy and real that has Nancy’s brain running wild. “I want you, too. Badly.” Her thumb moves, smoothing at Nancy’s shirt over her rib, just under the wire of her bra. “Are you…does that, um, feel familiar? The Rich stuff? There’s more to it. And I’ll…I can bring you like a stupid stack of stuff to read, if you want, but no pressure, you know. I just, um, reading helps me understand myself, sometimes. And it felt like maybe this could…maybe this might be useful, to you?”

“It is.” She bends to press a kiss to the top of Robin’s head, because she wants to and she can. “Thank you. Really.”  “I’m glad.” 

She presses up, looking down at Nancy with a questioning smile, and Nancy rolls her eyes and pulls her down by the front of her t-shirt. 

“Come here, Buckley.” 

The kiss is just as good as last night’s, better, even, because Robin’s body above hers is warm and firm and she lets the kiss deepen, tongue pressing into Robin’s mouth and hands holding at her waist, exploring her back and spreading over her shoulders. Her leg slots between Nancy’s and Nancy’s hips buck on instinct, the friction so good it makes her sigh and tug Robin closer. 

When she drops Robin at Steve’s later, she catches sight of the mark she left on Robin’s neck and blushes, reaching out to trace it and apologizing. 

“Oh my god, please,” Robin nearly groans. “It’s the hottest thing ever, Nancy Wheeler marking her territory.” 

“My territory, huh?” Her stomach rolls pleasantly. 

“Yep.” She pops the p, wiggles in her seat. “Long as you want it, that is.” 

“Oh, I want it.” The tone of her voice surprises her, the depth of it, and Robin, too, if the wide eyed looks she gets in response is any indicator. 

“G-good.” 

The smile Nancy gives her is smug and wanting and real in a way that Nancy feels in her bones. 

“Night, Rob.” She leans over and kisses her cheek, but before she can make it back, Robin catches her, kisses her deeply, pulls away with a bite to her bottom lip. 

“Night, Nance.” And she’s out of the car before Nancy can fully come back to her senses. 

Holy shit. It’s Barb’s laugh, which is weird, maybe, but makes Nancy’s smile grow as she pulls back into the road. Later, when she slips her hand beneath her pajama bottoms, her mind is full of Robin, and she comes so hard that she’s crying again, confusion and relief and happiness dripping into her pillowcase. It’s good, Nancy. It’s supposed to be good. The parts of her that believe that are noticeably bigger than the ones that don’t. 

When Nancy drags Robin into the backseat two weeks later, climbing on top of her as she tries to simultaneously slam the car door and get Robin’s shirt off, her palms are sweating. She’s nervous, so nervous, because she wants it so much and she wants to make Robin feel good and she’s never done this before, not like this. 

She’s there, fully, when Robin gasps a breath into her mouth as her hands work underneath her sports bra, cupping her and catching her nipples in the v between her index and middle fingers. Her body rocks against Robin’s thigh where it’s pressed between Nancy’s, and she presses her own leg down, watching with heavy-lidded eyes as Robin arches, neck exposed for Nancy to take. 

She does take it, licking and sucking, but she doesn’t leave a mark, saves that for the spot just above her sports bra, the swell of her breast flushed a light pink and so warm under Nancy’s tongue. Robin holds her head to her, gripping Nancy’s hair so tightly that it stings as she bites, soothes it with kisses. Pulling back to rid her of the bra, Nancy goes right back, sucking the mark again and then down, down, until she has Robin’s nipple against her tongue, Robin’s pained praises the best thing she’s ever heard. 

She’s still got all of her own clothes on, batting her hands away when Robin tries to reciprocate. She likes that Robin wants her, feels it burn beneath her skin, but she’s busy, invested, obsessed with her girlfriend’s body underneath hers, with all that she can do to make her feel good, to make her cry out for Nancy. She leaves wet trails from her neck to her chest, spends so much time teasing and suckling at Robin’s incredible tits that she’s nearly crying when Nancy moves lower, a wrecked please, please, please Nancy’s company as she licks along the hem of Robin’s jeans. 

The car is cramped, and it takes an annoying amount of time to get her free of her shoes and jeans, long enough that Nancy moves back to her breasts, making Robin laugh, incredulous. “Oh my god, you’re going to kill me.” Nancy only grins, her tongue laving at a nipple. 

When she makes it back down, Robin scrunched against the opposite door to give Nancy a little more room, she can smell her, feels a wet spot on her boxer briefs when she cups at her through them. She’s nervous, still, but she’s spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about this over the last few weeks, and she doesn’t stop herself from doing exactly what she wants, which is to nose at the cotton and kiss her over it before slipping her fingers in the hem and pulling down to Robin’s ankles, until she can carefully kick them off. It’s not careful enough; Nancy catches a knee, and she’s laughing even as Robin apologizes, decides the best way to respond is to bend again and run her tongue up the crease at Robin’s thigh. Robin seems to agree, an ohgodfuck making Nancy smile into her skin. 

When she moves her mouth over, spreads her open on her tongue as her nose rests in dark blonde hair, she watches Robin’s eyes close, a moan escaping before she catches her lower lip between her teeth. Nancy lifts herself away to say, voice shaking with want and happiness and a flood of things so good she doesn’t feel the need to name them, “Let me hear, Robbie. Please,” and blue eyes blink open to meet hers, Robin nodding before moaning again, louder, as Nancy dives back in. 

She tastes so good, slick against Nancy’s tongue, and Nancy knows when she’s found the right spot, the right movement of her tongue, because Robin tells her, beautifully vocal. “There. There, there, there, Nance, baby, yes. Please. Just like that.” She keeps it up just like that, and when Robin asks, “Can you…fingers?” Nancy fights a smile that would interrupt the very important works she’s doing and instead lifts her right hand, slipping two fingers inside and moaning into Robin at the feeling of it. She gets cries of approval, feels Robin tighten around her, and then her hips rise, her body freezing before she comes, squeezing at Nancy’s fingers and shaking against her tongue. 

It’s incredible. Nancy immediately wants to do it again. When Robin tugs her head away, she says so, mouth soaking wet, and Robin groans, laughs. “Yeah. Yeah, of course you can. Jesus, Nance. But.” She bites her lip again, moves her hand from the back of Nancy’s head to her mouth, thumb running over her chin. Nancy doesn’t think before she moves and sucks it into her mouth, humming at the taste. Robin’s eyes darken. “Can I touch you?” She tilts her head, smiling softly. “It’s okay, if you don’t want that.” She says it so gently, so genuinely, that Nancy could cry. She pulls back, holding Robin’s hand to her chest, still covered. 

She might not always want it, a realization she’s had over the last two weeks as she thought about the many ways she wanted to touch Robin. Sometimes she might like to touch herself. Sometimes she might not want anything at all, except to make Robin feel good. That’s something they can talk about, something she wants to talk about. 

But right now, she doesn’t need that. Right now, she presses a kiss to Robin’s knuckles before letting her hand go and pulling her shirt over her head. She brings Robin’s willing hands back to her waist, smiles at the heat of them. 

“I want to feel you,” she says, sure of the words, mind nowhere but the cramped backseat of her car. 

Robin’s thumbs move as she leans forward, kissing Nancy with intention, licking at the remnants of herself on her lips. “Tell me what feels good,” she says, forehead pressed to Nancy’s, and Nancy nods and lets herself want.

[yanderes-galore]

Hi! Can you do a concept for yandere Starlight from The Boys please?

She's one of the more genuine characters... so seeing her go down this path is so strange.

Yandere! Starlight/Annie January Concept

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Mentions of death, Violence, Overprotective behavior, Lucid yandere, Jealousy, Dark themes, Trust issues, Delusional behavior, Stalking, Gaslighting, Blackmail, Denial, Guilt, Kidnapping, Dubious turned forced companionship/relationship.

Out of everyone in this universe... she isn't the worst.

In fact, she'd probably be the one most aware of her behavior other than Hughie... and actively feel guilty about it.

Compared to most Supes she actually wants to help people.

Most Supes, like Homelander, usually don't mind casualties.

She actively tries to avoid the deaths of others unless it's necessary....

Annie knows the corruption of this world.

Which makes her determined to follow her own ideals.

Since she is so fixated on doing the right thing... imagine the conflict she has when she realizes she's obsessed with someone?

I imagine her feelings would have to be subtle enough to not make her realize her true nature right away.

Maybe you start as friends? It doesn't matter if you're a Supe or not....

Annie/Starlight would feel comforted by someone who listens and understands her problems in Vought.

Just being there to listen to her rant about how she feels she's being used as Starlight helps more than you know.

The point is, she just sees you as a friend at first.

Annie definitely needs friends in this world.

In the show she doesn't have many she can trust, even Hughie lies to her at times.

In fact... trust would be a big part of her obsession.

Annie can be very friendly, relaxed, fun-loving, and caring towards those she's close with.

With you, her obsession, these are all traits she commonly feels she can express towards you.

Because she trusts you as her friend, she's often very comfortable with you.

She's someone who's tired of being lied to... especially in later seasons.

She knows very well that there aren't many people she can afford to trust.

She cherishes the bond and trust she has for you, she wouldn't break it for the world.

But if you broke her trust?

The betrayal would drive her into angry denial.

Even when her behavior gets worse and worse... she still expects trust between you.

She despises the idea of being used/lied to.

Especially by you.

For the most part, Annie's obsession develops slowly.

It's just... small things.

Her obsession is subtle enough that she tries to justify it.

Girl has been through so much she's trying to rationalize her odd feelings for you.

She follows you around because she feels she has to protect you.

Yet she also excuses it as her trying to stay out of the public eye for a little while.

She hates being lied to... but in her mind, what she says isn't entirely lies.

As you can tell... her delusions also make her a hypocrite.

She excuses her lying as she's not using you like she was used...

She's just looking out for you.

Following you and being close to you all the time for your safety is something she manages to essentially gaslight herself into thinking.

If you also felt it was suspicious, she'd probably gaslight you into believing her too.

She still does it even when she realizes her feelings are wrong.

Speaking of which, Annie begins to be more aware of how wrong her feelings are once she feels... jealous.

This may also be where she learns her feelings aren't... friendly towards you.

She brushes it off at first....

Like most yanderes in denial, she just thinks her jealousy will go away.

After all... you both have your own lives to attend to... which means you have other friends...

....

Okay, she'll admit it, she feels upset when she sees you so close to others.

Upset probably isn't even the right word for it.

Part of it could be envy at the fact you can enjoy life without so much stress... another part of it is just yearning for your attention.

When you two are around more, she finds herself slowly coming to terms with the idea of her being in love.

Which sends her spiraling....

No, this can't be love, can it?

It feels too wrong....

Annie hates the idea of caging you to her side... yet also revels in it.

She's in denial and despises her thoughts.

Even if she did confess and you started dating, she still thinks back to those darker thoughts she keeps trying to hide.

In fact, you actually dating would be normal until she snaps.

It's all... normal.

On the surface.

Annie would be a very caring and affectionate girlfriend when you two are together.

But she can't help but feel something darker lurk deep within her.

It always bubbles up when she sees you with others, or even during little dates around people.

One reason she hates her dark feelings is because it reminds her of Homelander.

She hates him and hates the idea of being like him.

She doesn't want to hurt you... she never wants to hurt you.

While that darkness is similar to Homelander... She isn't like him.

Hopefully... in her mind....

Annie would be forced to give in to her darker feelings when she defects from Vought.

When she's with The Boys, she's moved past her denial.

She's done some pretty brutal things now... including kill people with her power.

So kidnapping you isn't something she does with much hesitation now.

When she defects she barely gets to see you.

Which leads to Annie convincing The Boys you can help them...

Making you forcefully reunite with your girlfriend.

While I imagine Annie isn't that bad compared to most... she's definitely still capable of some downright horrendous stuff.

I'm talking manipulation tactics due to her charisma...

If you were a Supe or involved in some pretty bad stuff, I can see her blackmailing her own partner to make them stay.

Same thing with gaslighting... she deludes both you and herself into believing what she does is okay.

Well... right up until the kidnapping.

In terms of murder, like in the show, she'd only do it if you were in danger.

She manages to convince herself not to kill out of jealousy, no doubt due to fearing she'll be like Homelander.

But she's certainly bitter around others who are close to you.

In terms of your time in captivity, Annie still tries to be your protective and caring girlfriend.

She no doubt convinced The Boys to take you into their newest hideout, feeling bad when you look so scared...

Yet Annie quickly enters the room to comfort you, cupping your face before telling you how much she missed you.

She never wants to hurt you, in fact she's nothing but affectionate when you're under her care.

She keeps you locked in her arms, giving you soft little kisses as she calms you down.

She tells you she had to keep you beside her.

If she didn't, Vought might've used you to track her and The Boys.

Another potential lie... but it could be true, yeah?

Annie still wants you to trust her.

She doesn't want you to try and leave her, or to purposefully lie to escape.

She wants you honest, she wants you to be transparent with her.

If you aren't, she denies the idea at first...

Then soon realizes she may need to make you reliant on her if she wants that trust back. (I'm talking burns from her power or even blinding you... that light shines BRIGHT)

Her lies are not to use you... but keep you safe.

Her whole obsession started because you two had a strong bond of trust between one another.

Ironically, her attempts to keep your trust only sours the trust you once had for her.

She hates it when you look at her with such hatred and confusion.

She wants to tell you it will all be okay...

Annie will protect you like she always has...

It's just you, her, and The Boys against the world.

She loves you, that much is genuine and true.

Yet she can't hide those dark feelings anymore.

Annie never wants to hurt you...

But she'll do anything to keep you safe, reliant, and all hers.

[atopvisenyashill]

i totally get not shipping jonerys but i think there's too much potential for george not to explore. i do think jon is going to be critical of dany’s methods and they’re doomed, but they have a lot in common too? like wanting to impose their beliefs and world view on others, and they can bond over having really bad pr too! i just hope that it’s more interesting than the show, for my own sanity.

I do think there's potential to explore but I just do not see the romantic potential. Their commonalities are not the sort that would make them get along. Jon's bad PR is he's a reclusive dick running off bad advice (from another Targaryen to boot) who won't explain his long term plans to people he doesnt like, sends every single one of his allies away, and is trying to break down long held prejudices in the span of a few months. Dany's bad PR seems similar except on top of "breaking down long held prejudices" she trusts violent, shady ass men at every turn (while Jon just straight up executes Slynt! Do you see Jon misstep wrt Alliser and Bowen? Yes, but he is not sitting here justifying their violence the way Dany justifies men like Daario), compromises in ways that completely undermine the prejudices she's trying to break down, and has now simply accepted that her dragons killing innocent people is an acceptable loss. Dany takes a profit off the selling of slaves and I simply do not believe Jon would react so cavalierly to Dany telling him about how she burned her slave alive to hatch her dragons, especially after whatever shenanigans Melisandre and Stannis are going to be getting up to in TWOW. Not for nothing here, but Jon does not use Ghost as a killing machine; anyone or anything Ghost has killed has been in defense of Jon while Drogon is very much a weapon of war.

Beyond that, Dany's identity is very tied up in the being the last dragon. She's going to be ten times worse in the books about finding a dragonseed in Westeros, especially if Rhaegar found out Elia was killed and married Lyanna, thereby legitimizing Jon above Dany's own claim. She's going to kill Aegon VI and destroy KL, maybe even Casterly Rock and parts of Dorne as well! The thing I think everyone overlooks here though is that she is not getting to Westeros until the very end of TWOW at the earliest! She's going to have wracked up a kill count higher than every other character on page, probably a kill count higher than the Conquerors or the Dance or the Redgrass Field. Regardless of any similarities they have in their backgrounds, what Jon is likely to feel when she lands is horror, and a fair amount of nerves. Do I think he will feel guilt for having a hand in his aunt's death, in ending the line of Targaryens? Yes, absolutely! It doesn't mean his guilt will drive him to side with a woman who lands with a slave army and then sets fire to half the continent.

And to be completely honest, if they do hook up, if she lands and she's lauded as a hero after destroying the city states of Slaver's Bay, after slaughtering the khals of the dothraki, after taking a profit off slavery and engaging in collective and cruel & unusual punishment, if murdering Aegon VI for *checks notes* being lied to about who he is and having a better claim than her but not "earning" his ending, and finds some sort of happiness with Jon, I'm saying that's 100x more misogynistic than what the show did, not to mention nauseatingly imperialist and classist. The reason I am very firm in saying Dany will go dark is because it is my opinion anything less is a betrayal of the themes of non violence, the costs of war, and the punishing of the poor. Like, Robb's murder is a tragedy but the book does not shy away from the harm he does! Dany will not (should not!) be treated any different just because she's a woman; that's like the basis of feminist theory!

[skylerskyhigh]

Ah screw it. Imma rant about my fic

When I started this fic, I didn't plan to have such an extensive theme. But as time passed and I fleshed out some ideas, I started thinking about the themes and character arcs that I wanted to explore.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to write all of the arcs or finish the story, or maybe even continue with the second book, but I wanted to put these ideas out here just in case. It'll be fun to go back to.

SPOILERS FOR "CUT YOURSELF ON MY GLASS PLATE"

Also TRIGGER WARNING FOR SERIOUS TOPICS LIKE SELF HARM, SUICIDE, ETC

Cale and the cycle of self harm

I'll start with the main character for this story. OG Cale Henituse. Throughout the story, he is going through a rough time. Aside from the trauma of going through a war, the crux of his issues is the fact that he had been abused.

Cale had been hurt by a lot of people. Either through neglect, abandonment, or self hatred, Cale had been through a lot. It cut his self esteem into a simple concept of "If I am alive, then I should be useful to others."

He doesn't care about himself. He constantly puts himself after so many people. His wellbeing is always second to someone else.

After the death of his family, Cale gained his Ancient power. A power that turned his pain into power. It is because of this that he put himself through a lot of shit.

With physical proof that his pain means something, Cale will begin a spiral of self harm that expands bigger and bigger as he loses the people he loves. Not only is he grappling with a lot of issues of survivors guilt, abandonment trauma, self hatred, and PTSD, the driving force behind his actions isn't to live. It's revenge. He wanted to kill the person responsible for his family's deaths. It's not about him. It's about avenging his family.

Not only that, near the end of the war, Cale stopped wanting to live. Life stopped having meaning because he didn't have anyone to life for. Cale never lives for himself. Always for others.

He put himself in an abusive relationship, for the sole purpose of turning himself into a weapon. To make his powers strong enough to cause significant harm to White Star. All of it with the intention of dying right after he was done. He didn't want to live. But he didn't want to make his life worth nothing. People died while he lived, so he should do something to make his life worthwhile. Either he dies in battle, or he dies after hurting White Star.

Cale went through a lot. While most of it isn't his fault, some is the direct result of his actions. His lack of care for himself lead him to seek self harm as some form of redemption or punishment. Time and time again he is hurt. He denies help. He seeks out misery like a drug. Self harm comes in many different forms and Cale explored a lot of it.

For Cale to begin to heal, he needed to stop this behavior. He needed to stop seeking out ways to harm himself. He needed to stop his own cycle of abuse. But its not easy to do that.

His theme is exploring that cycle of self harm. The thoughts while grappling with so many complex emotions. The effects of grief, loss, and low self esteem. The spiral that people go through while being trapped in a perpetual loop of abuse. It's not easy to escape such a cycle. For Cale, it's hard to break free from it when he believed that he needed to redeem himself in some way. Or that his life is worth less than the lives of others. Cale cannot justify living if he doesn't use his life for something useful. Breaking free from that spiral isn't easy. But he won't be alone to do it. Not this time.

Choi Han and the sins of the father

Admittedly, I didn't have plans for him at first. But as the story expanded, so did his character arc.

In the original timeline, Choi Han was a bastard. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. He was an asshole to Cale.

(I don't hate Choi Han but narratively, he was a terrible person in this story in the original timeline.)

As the main abuser in Cale's life, Choi Han played a significant role in harming Cale. Even when he was deceived by Cale, his actions are not justifiable. He was abusive, cruel, and irredeemable. A far cry from the canon of TCF. Blinded by his black and white mentality, Choi Han often physically hurts Cale to the point of death. He treats Cale like a villain, but he doesn't give Cale the freedom of a quick death.

All of this is to preface what the current Choi Han has to face against. The current Choi Han did not abuse Cale. However, he has to face 2 issues.

1) Face the consequences of someone else's actions.

2) Grapple with the reality that he could have- and had- become a terrible person.

Let's start with the first one. The concept of the "sins of the father" is a common trope. Think of Pink Diamond from Steven Universe. Even when Steven wasn't the person who had harmed a lot of people, he still had to grapple with the pain that his mother had left behind. The lies, hurt, and trauma that she had inflicted on others. Steven had to answer for the actions of someone else. That's what Choi Han has to do.

He didn't abuse Cale. But another version of him did and he had to face that problem. There are clear signs of abuse on Cale. The fear in his eyes. The vitriol in Hans' tone. The wariness, pain, and terror he has to deal with. Choi Han did not abuse anyone but the pain is still there. There are invisible yet clear scars on Cale and he has to answer for them. He has to fix them. He has to answer for the crimes that someone else had committed. Choi Han has to redeem himself even when he wasn't the one who had abused Cale.

Sins of the father is such a complex concept. There are a lot of factors in play. Not only are the victims of the person suffering from the actions of the perpetrator, but the blame did not fall on the perpetrator but another person. A completely blameless person at that. Yet due to their connection to the perpetrator, that person has to answer for it all.

For Choi Han, the responsibility of the OG falls on him. He needs to redeem himself even when he didn't do anything. Yet he cannot just ignore it when the victim is affected by the actions of the OG. He has to go through a redemption arc but skipped the reason for his redemption. He's not redeeming himself but fixing someone else's mess.

As for the second point, grappling with the reality that Choi Han was a villain.

Anyone would be messed up if they knew that they could become a terrible person. Choi Han was Cale's villain. His abuser. The reason he flinches every time Choi Han shows signs of anger. That would mess anyone up. Imagine knowing that you could become a terrible person who willingly physically harm another person.

While Choi Han has some murderous tendencies, he isn't a bad person. He clearly wants to be good. He saves people. He help others. He has a strong moral code and a sense of justice.

But he also kills people he deems as villains. His view of the world is different. Due to his isolation in the Forest of Darkness, and the constant struggle in a "kill or be killed" environment, he adopts a very "black and white" mentality. Good people deserve to live. Bad people do not. Subconsciously, he treats bad people with less respect and consideration. He can be very vicious, cold, and sometimes cruel to the people he sees as "bad". There is no grey in the world for him.

So when he was faced with Cale, someone who actively portrays himself as a "bad person", his dark side shows. And as the war progressed, that dark side of him grew.

Now the current Choi Han has to look at himself and do a lot of self reflection. He doesn't want to be the person who had hurt others so cruelly. How could he look at himself when he sees the damage "he" had done? He doesn't want to be the person he hates. He doesn't want to become like the cruel people who willingly harms others.

With hindsight and a glimpse into a possible dark path in front of him, Choi Han needs to reevaluate himself and think about his actions more critically. If he doesn't, he might just follow the same dark path. He is a good person. He doesn't want that to happen. To prevent it, he needs to do a lot of self reflection and improve upon himself.

It's not to say that Choi Han is a bad person. But just like everyone else, he has the potential to become one. He also has the potential to become a good person. It's about consideration of others and a lot of self awareness.

There are others but it's getting late for me so I'll cut it here for now. I might make a part 2 with Hans and Paseton, since their character arcs are more recent.

[princess-of-morkva]

i've seen multiple times people complain about how unnatural morgana's behaviour is in season 3 and onwards, how bbc turned her into a "smirking villain.

i wanna talk about it. the smirking.

first of all, i absolutely love the smirking, but that just may be myself.

what i really wanna talk about is morgana's development.

let's try to see things from her s3 perspective:

she discovered that she has magic, which led to constant fear and anxiety (not good for mental health); she had one single person to whom she could talk about it; this person betrays her and for seemingly no reason (do you actually believe morgause told her the truth? i very much doubt it), poisons her;

she gets rescued by her newfound sister who is also magical;

she lives with her for an entire year (which gives morgause a lot of time and space to plant and nourish any thoughts abd ideas; she's clearly manipulative - this much was pretty obvious even in the series - i absolutely believe she used the tactic "we are alone against the world, morgana, i am the only one who actually cares for you, i know better" and probably a lot of guilt tripping about how she was raised by pendragons any time morgana had doubts about her methods (i should write about it separately, there's a lot of things i want to mention)

and now about smirking.

personally, i believe she is doing it to reassure herself. every time she begins to doubt, she would need to remind herself "you are in the right, it's justified". and smiling for personal reassurance is a very common, unconscious reaction.

remember how she walks out of the throne room in s3e1, giving her first evil smirk in camera? right after she and uther embraced. you can't tell me it did not remind her of other good moments with him, of the warm feelings she held for him. of that time when she planned his death and then decided against it in s1.

and of course she needs to remind herself of how now it's different. she is planning to overthrow him and she will - there is no need for this feelings and memories, uther is a bloody tyrant, she has her sister now.

and i can write such explanations for every single time. (maybe i will)

generally, i think she is lying to herself a lot, forsing down feelings and memories, more and more with every line she crosses - summoning undead army, where she causes direct harm to camelot's citizens for the first time; giving arthur the phoenix eye - where she finally extends uther's guilt on arthur fully in her mind; staging the discovery gwen's relationship with arthur - where she causes direct harm to gwen, her friend and wholly innocent person. and so on. she doesn't allow herself to doubt, to reflect on her actions, pushing everything down, lest she drowns in regret.

it would drive any person mad.

(i will do another post for s4 and s5 especially)

[herofics]

Friend taking advantage, feat Dabi

A/N: I think I’ve done some bad/toxic-ish friend stuff before which you can find here, but I’ve been feeling like this recently so I wanted to vent. I haven’t written for Dabi in a while so I picked him, also I kinda need his brand of jackass attitude for this. I wrote this as platonic but take it how you will

“Oh my fucking god!” you groaned loudly, throwing one of the pillows from the couch towards the kitchen entrance way.

“What the hell?” Dabi exclaimed as he caught the pillow and threw it back at you. “I almost spilled my damn drink”

“Sorry” you muttered, looking at your phone with an irritated expression.

“Who pissed in your cereal this morning? You look annoyed” Dabi noted as he sat down at the other end of the couch.

“It’s my bff, or at least she’s supposed to be”

“Is this the bitch who keeps askin you for money all the time?”

“Yeah, but I wish you wouldn’t call her that” you sighed

“What’d she do this time?” he asked, taking a sip of his drink.

“After I moved here, she stayed in our hometown. She keeps guilting me about “leaving her” as if I did it just to leave her and not because I got into school here. It’s honestly driving me fucking insane” you threw your phone on the couch between you and Dabi.

“That sounds like a bitch move on her part, so I think callin her a bitch is justified” Dabi shrugged.

“And like, I go to my mom’s every now and then, which is like 45 minutes away from where she lives, and she still doesn’t come visit unless I pay her gas money. It’s like I have to buy her time if I even want to see her. Plus, the last time I was at my mom’s place, she was way more excited about seeing my mom’s new dog than about seeing me, even though we hadn’t seen each other in months” you huffed, leaning back on the couch.

“As I said, bitch move” Dabi burped

“Thanks for your support I guess” you rolled your eyes.

“You don’t need my support, you need to vent, and I’m listenin aren’t I?”

“Well yeah, but-”

“So keep talkin” Dabi cut you off.

“Fine. You know I’m bad at saying no to people, so pretty much every time she asks me for money, I give it to her, even if I’m not in a super good situation myself. She also kind of abuses that, because she knows I’ll pay for stuff so she’ll spend time with me. I feel like I’m pathetic, but she’s my only friend aside from you, and I don’t want to lose her. We’ve been friends for almost 18 years, so it’s hard to even think about letting go, even if it would be for my benefit”

“So basically, your friend is takin advantage of you, and you just plan on lettin her, even though you knew you shouldn’t?” Dabi groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m gonna get a headache from your idiocy”

“Are you calling me an idiot?” you asked, feigning offense

“No, but you’re bein dumb as hell right now” Dabi ruffled your hair, just to be annoying.

“Hey, don’t be an asshole” you protested with a smirk, trying to push his hand away.

“Ain’t that like a definin personality trait of mine though?” he asked, giving up on messing with your hair.

“Well yeah, but I wish you’d aim it at someone else” you rolled your eyes.

“There’s no one else around, so… or do you want me to go give your bff a piece of my mind?”

“No, it’s between me and her, so I think I need to be the one to talk to her” you sighed. “And I think if you talked to her, she might get on your nerves and end up a pile of ash”

“Eh, maybe” Dabi shrugged.

“Thanks for listening and only being a little bit of a jackass about it” you smiled.

“Well I’m mostly here for your drinks and to hide from the cops but-”

“And there’s that asshole of a villain I know” you cut him off and smacked the side of his thigh.

“I do have a reputation to uphold, you know” Dabi grinned.

You just rolled your eyes, but you were still smiling. He was a total asshole sometimes, but he could still be helpful too.

[camellia-thea]

this isn't a meta thing or a condemnation, i just wanted to write down some opinions. but i've thought about it a bit more. i really really don't like the hallucination/psychosis elements within iwtv.

i think it's in part because i experience hallucinations regularly and i've experienced psychosis, but i don't find value in it being shown in this instance and i think it could've been completely left out.

hell, it could've been just louis seeing lestat (and fuck, maybe even claudia) as manifestations of guilt, but the beginning of s2e8 wasn't it. i don't think i can properly convey what made me uncomfortable, but i had to pause for a little bit to let myself get through it.

i wasn't very keen on louis killing someone he thought was lestat, as a way of showing instability and as a way to make him obviously unreliable. i think it did give the impression they wanted; the unreliability, and i've talked about that in regards to unreliable narrators, but it didn't sit right at the time, and having now seen the finale, i don't think it was necessary.

the erratic behaviour and the hallucinations of his victims within those moments just felt. bad. especially since it was an element of driving louis to get revenge. it's just another case of psychosis being used to "motivate" harm. especially since he's a vampire! you don't need to justify him wanting to kill people! claudia's death pushed him to the edge without any elements of psychosis, he could've just killed them! and yes, he was tortured and had come back from the brink of death in those moments, but even still. it felt like it went too far.

i don't really have a point here, i don't think. i guess it's just, you can do horror and violence and instability without leaning into those tropes. i think it was unnecessary.

[ryuichirou]

So I wonder how Twisted wonderland cast be like murdering for the first time. I want to imagine angst on them and if they are scared or delight. I want to hear your thoughts (maybe except Lilia since he is definitely murder a lot of people.)

Anon, this is SUCH a good question. It made me think for hours lol this is what I came up with!

Riddle could either murder someone on accident or as a corporal punishment (if we take his quirk/unique magic too far), and his reaction would kind of depend on what exactly has happened. If it’s the second option, he’ll try to stay calm, cold and collected, and say that the murdered guy got what he deserved and that he had no choice but to dispose of him. But even then, after he freaks the fuck out of everyone around him and leaves to his room, he’ll probably have a breakdown. Then he’ll just cope even harder to justify what he has done and start offing people left and right lol And if it’s the first option (I can picture him overdoing it with his magic), he’ll probably have a breakdown immediately. Nothing good comes from that, because Riddle’s psyche is already pretty bad, but with such a heavy sin on his conscience, there is no way he’ll be able to face it. Hence, more dangerous delusions and more heads flying.

Ace wouldn’t plan on murdering anyone; he’ll definitely do it by accident. He is petty, but there are limits to what he’d do. And he’d take it even worse than he would’ve thought he would. He’ll hide and will definitely get involved with some shady people who’d promise to cover his tracks for him. Maybe the Octa-trio lol But then he’ll spend his whole life trying to numb this feeling of fucking up So Massively and the feeling of his conscious eating him alive.

Deuce would be terrified because he’d definitely realise what he’d done post-factum, with his fists covered in blood and the murdered guy barely looking like a human. So after having a massive meltdown and screaming in panic and crying, if he isn’t arrested by that point (miraculously) he’ll try to give the guy some kind of a proper burial and just run. We’ll never see Deuce again, because there is no way he can face his loved ones after that. He might turn himself to the police, but his own dream about becoming a policeman... yeah, not happening.

With Trey it’s funny; I don’t think he’d kill on accident. If Trey murders someone, it’s definitely deliberate, and by that point Trey would probably feel like that person deserved it. There are only two people I can imagine him killing (yep Riddle’s parents), and even though he would feel hurt afterwards, it’d mostly be out of his sympathy for Riddle, and not because he did something wrong. He’d have moral dilemmas inside his head, because by saving Riddle from abuse, he also robbed the world of two excellent doctors, which can’t be a good thing. But for a weird reason, Trey just can’t help but think that he did the right thing. Trey is not a good person lol

Cater… I don’t know what would drive Cater to kill someone, it might be an accident, but he also might be unstable and we just don’t know about it yet. In any way, he’s probably the one to cover that fact surprisingly well. Of course, he’ll become even more obnoxious with his fake persona, but everyone would just assume that it’s Cater being Cater, while Cater can still heard people screaming in terror in his head.

I don’t know about Leona, he didn’t seem to mind endangering people all that much. Giving a nod to the character he’s based on, I can picture him plotting his brother’s murder. And maybe I just want Leona to be horrible because it’s more fun that way, but I don’t want him to show any remorse in that situation. Well… Of course he’ll show remorse and try to act maturely and empathetically towards those who are the most affected by Falena’s death, but he’ll also probably have a moment a triumph behind the closed doors. Even if there is some guilt out there, it’s definitely buried under this euphoric joy. Oh, and Cheka?.. He’d better run and never return.

Ruggie could do it either on accident or intentionally, but it probably won’t be personal. He would do it either because he was asked to or because he was saving himself. Either way, he would be shaken up by it, but he’ll try to get over it as soon as possible. So yeah, he’ll sob for a moment, then slap his own face and just keep going. No one would ever guess that he keeps such a wild and horrible secret. Who even knows how many people he’s killed…

Jack would kill a person on accident (he’s very big and doesn’t always control himself well…) and then immediately turn himself in to the police. There is NO WAY he’s hiding it. Keeping it a secret would be unbearable to him, it’s much better to get punished. He’ll also do the whole “apologizing to the family and being willing to do any kind of work to repent” thing. He’s too much of a good boy.

Oh Octavinelle… I feel like merpeople’s relationship with deaths and murder is a bit different, but not drastically, they are just a bit more tolerant to that because this is the reality they live in: it’s very dangerous in the ocean.

And the tweels are even more of a special case, because they are mafia babies who are also kind of sort of cannibalistic. They’ve seen everything, they are super comfortable with the idea of taking someone’s life, and they probably don’t even remember and think much about their first time doing it. They see the world through a very unique lens, so to them it’s a very natural thing. That being said, they do enjoy killing, when they are in the mood. They find the victim’s reaction fascinating, and they’ve seen it all: they’ve seen panic, they’ve seen despair, they’ve seen confusion. I also feel like Jade is a bit more invested in this whole thing than Floyd these days; Floyd is a bit bored by murder at this point, but Jade keeps finding more and more intricate ways to fatally wound someone. It doesn’t mean that Floyd wouldn’t do it for funsies, of course.

Azul is definitely more sensitive than these two, who pretty much lack empathy for their victims, and he is probably yet to kill someone, so when he does, he’s going to remember his first time forever. Azul really enjoys punishing people who he feels are deserving of the said punishment, and he is extremely petty, so I can see him doing the heartless bitch thing and offing someone because he has “ran out of patience”. And he is conflicted, because he feels thrilled when he has this power over people, and he enjoys it tremendously and maniacally, but sometimes he also feels sick to his stomach and gets a lump in his throat and goosebumps and cold sweat for some reason… I guess it’s just disgust, huh? Either way, he prefers to save it for those who are the most deserving of his wrath.

We love the idea of Kalim being a murderous beast with no regard to other people’s lives, but in actuality I feel like he would get terrified by that. He’d probably kill on accident, I can’t even picture a situation in which he would do it on purpose; and when he does it on accident, one would expect him to start yelling and crying, but Kallim would be so deeply affected by it that he would just… go numb for a while. With no reaction to what happened whatsoever, but also terror in his eyes. Jamil would expect him to explode at any moment, but the only thing he’d get is that Kalim would start to act like nothing has happened. Is he lying or did he repress the memories of what he did? Is he going to snap at some point? Is he in danger and/or is he dangerous? Who knows.

Jamil wouldn’t kill on accident – he is too smart to kill on accident; his actions would be 100% deliberate and thought out. And if that’s the case and he ends up killing, I don’t know, maybe someone from the Asims, he’ll probably feel such insane joy that it’ll honestly be difficult for him to hide it. Either that or he’ll kill whoever tries to attack Kalim, and in that case he just won’t feel anything. No matter the scenario, there won’t be any remorse in his heart. But he could also cry in a shower for a reason unknown even to himself afterwards.

Vil…. Oh Vil. Vil is an impulsive killer. He’s rational and humanistic enough to generally think that people shouldn’t be killed, but we’ve seen what he could do when he’s way too overstressed lol So he’ll probably kill someone deliberately, but also out of overwhelming emotions, and then he’ll feel disappointed by himself. He might not feel guilty, but in that case he’ll feel guilty for not feeling guilty. It’s almost like he is a bad person, how could he feel no compassion to the murdered person whatsoever? Is this who he really is, a heartless monster? I also could see him either turning himself in to the police or just leaving his whole life behind and running away, at least at first, until he figures out what’s going on in his heart. Killing is wrong, so why did it feel so right?

Rook is suuuuper comfortable with the idea of murdering someone. He is a hunter and he puts his own meaning in this whole thing – just like a game bird needs to be killed in order for Rook to enjoy the beauty of its delicious meat, sometimes a person needs to be killed just so they don’t piss him off anymore. Of course, the reason is usually not as petty, or at least Rook gives his own poetic Rook spin on it lol

Epel would be a shaking crying throwing up mess after killing a person, even if it was self-defense. He is ferocious, so the guy who he had killed would look like he got attacked by a wild animal and not a frail boy with a knife, but when the adrenalin rush ends and Epel is left with the results of his fury, he’ll definitely have the biggest meltdown of his life. He’d try to do the same thing that Deuce did (bury the body and run away), and he’ll definitely be saddled with guilt, but he’ll also spend a lot of time thinking about just how much the guy deserved it. This is only the beginning of Epel’s troublesome path though, because he’ll definitely get into more trouble as his story continues…

Idia… well, we know what Idia went through already lol we’ve seen his backstory. Of course he didn’t kill Ortho, but he feels like he did, so the emotional rollercoaster he went through is pretty similar in this situation. But if it wasn’t Ortho, but some other person who he would kill physically with his own hands, I feel like Idia would get too overwhelmed, his body would force him to throw up, shut down and go into a coma or something lol But once his physical state is back to (more or less) normal, he’ll cope with what he’s done like he always does – by drowning in his thoughts and feelings. And if he feels guilty, by showering the guy’s family with money (anonymously of course), while snarking at himself that this won’t bring their loved one back and that he is an asshole for doing that. In general, Idia is comfortable with the idea of death, and he knows it’s unavoidable, but he doesn’t like facing it… and even more so, causing it. Maybe it’s due to his selfish personal reasons because of his trauma, at least this is what he would say to himself.

Ortho… wouldn’t care at all. He is way too willing to punish people by frying them with lasers, and he seems to have no concept of giving people second chances and human life being precious lol Maybe because he himself isn’t really an alive human being. He also doesn’t think much about the murders; while he is learning, he still lacks empathy in that department. If a horrible accident happens, I feel like he could be affected by it, but other than that – nah.

I know Lilia is a special case, but I feel like he used to enjoy taking the lives of those who deserved it. Unless ch7 proves me wrong, I’ll keep thinking that Lilia used to be rather ruthless when he was younger lol But at some moment the whole thing got too boring, and then he got even older and wiser and changed his stance on this whole thing. Lilia is very comfortable with death, but he also thinks that every life is precious.

Silver also thinks that every life is precious, so even if he would kill someone (it would definitely be an order, he’s not killing anyone otherwise), he would feel horrible about it. Even if it’s a bad person, even if it’s an enemy, Silver would cry (maybe secretly when he is alone), he would feel responsible for the agony their loved ones are feeling, he would take it extremely close to his heart. He is probably the one to not only remember his first kill, but also remember every single person whose life he had to end. What a nice boy lol

Sebek isn’t as nice, but he also isn’t a psychopath. He’s also young, so his first kill is definitely going to leave an impression on him, maybe haunt him and even make him cry, but he would also really dislike feeling these emotions, because they have nothing to do with his duty and he knows better than to weep for someone who deserved to get killed. That being said, over time he could get desensitized to it that he would actually start to enjoy the power he feels when he ends someone’s life. Maybe it’s cope, maybe it’s him becoming more and more cruel, but with every person Sebek kills, his “armor” gets stronger. Oh, and Sebek is also someone who could kill a person on accident by the way, and in that case his reaction would be more emotional and chaotic, because he definitely wasn’t prepared to face the fact that he is a murderer that day lol

Malleus also doesn’t consider every life precious, because he grew up thinking that people (both fae and humans) aren’t really equal to each other. He has this “distance” between himself and the others and this feeling of loneliness, and he is super petty, so I can see him murdering dozens of people in one move without thinking twice about it. He is way too powerful and mighty to the point that his own humanity gets affected by it, and it’s not unusual for him to get the “well serves you right” feeling towards someone who, even if they wronged him, definitely didn’t deserve to meet such a cruel end. That being said, Lilia did his best to put some empathy and open-mindedness in this boy’s head, so it’s very likely that Malleus would still be affected by the fact that he took someone else’s life. But you know how it is, one moment he cries, and then he just doubles down and starts laughing because feeling powerful and just wiping a large group of people from the face of the earth felt as satisfying as popping a bubble wrap.

[bthump]

Could you explain to me what you think motivated Griffith to aspire to obtain a kingdom? Why exactly? And why did he decide to go down this bloody path, destroying his mental health in the process? Didn't he understand what he was getting himself into? Thanks in advance for your answer!

Sorry for the late response, I've been readjusting my schedule this week which means I was exhausted every day lol, I didn't even have the brainpower to look at my inbox let alone respond to anything.

But yeah I think it's implied that Griffith's dream was based out of directly experiencing the inequality between the peasants and the nobility, and wanting to create a world where that inequality doesn't exist as a reaction to that experience. Whether it's through being a kid on the streets that he experienced it, or maybe through abuse of some kind (something Miura did raise as a possibility in an interview once), I think this explanation makes the most sense. It fits both Griffith as a character and the central themes of the story, one of which is how people deal with trauma.

And I think when he chose his path he didn't know what he was getting into at all - remember, it all started when he was like, ten years old lol. Kids barely understand mortality let alone the mental health toll of ever-growing guilt. Even as an adult I think Griffith tries his best not to acknowledge all the blood he feels is on his hands, or the guilt driving him onward.

It makes perfect sense to me that a naive kid would start a band of thieves with the lofty goal of becoming mecenaries and eventually running Midland without really understanding what it would take to get there. I mean, only a kid would even think that's possible, imo. And then maybe one of his friends gets killed because of it and Griffith now feels that his death is meaningless if he doesn't achieve the goal they fought for, so he's driven onwards forever to try to justify that death, plus the thousands that came after.

Thanks for the ask!

[i-will-change-this-someday]

Ok, so I know in my last Midnight Burger post I already ranted about how I think Ava was in the wrong, but I'm going to rant some more.

(It is very long, and probably a bit incomprehensible.)

At the time, I was on ep 20, I assumed that she would get some growth and Caspar might not put up with her bullshit as much, but instead she just continues to be always right and justified in her behavior, and quite honestly, it's driving me insane.

Ava has, throughout the entire show, been incredibly rude to just about every single character, she constantly calls everyone idiots, including Leif, one of the best engineers in the galaxy.

When asked the very reasonable question of why these two astrophysicists should let her in to their observatory her response is to say she's smarter than them. It is so incredibly rude, Ava isn't a astrophysicists, she's a theoretical physicists; why would she know more than them, the astrophysicists, on astrophysics?

It's like she can't help insulting everyone she meets, and I understand that she is a woman in a male dominated field, but literally no one has ever doubted her intelligence. Not once has a character thought that she is unqualified or belittled her. It's not like everyone doesn't believe in her, and she's set on proving them wrong; she's just being a jerk.

And if it was like, her behavior got in the way of all her relationships and she needs to learn to be more empathetic and connect to others, then I wouldn't mind it as much, but her relationships are more or less fine with everyone. The only character you could argue she has any issues with is Caspar, but that's more about the unsaid feelings than her general attitude.

She's not even an emotionless scientist, which I guess good on her not being a stereotype, but then it just means she's can understand other people, and maybe empathize with them, and chooses to insult them ALL. THE. TIME. She CAN be nice and be thoughtful, like how she walked Clementine through her panic, but she decides to verbally demean everyone instead.

I'm not even saying she should try to be nice, just stop bullying the people who care and are always there for her. Like, it's nice she and Leif get to talk about science things, but she can't go 20 seconds without calling him dumb or saying how smart she is.

She complains about Clementine not facing any consequences, like Clementine didn't get burdened with everlasting guilt and was about to be torn apart a couple hours before. But thinks it’s completely fine that she essentially got off Scot-free after potentially endangering everyone at the diner. (Yes, she got shot in to space, but Caspar was right, it was safe, and she even got the answers she wanted.)

Like, I’m sorry, but what the hell kind of response is a smug “your welcome” to “hey, yeah, so all that stuff you said to me actually hurt a lot, and it emotionally scarred me.” Like, can you not for two minutes? Are you seriously incapable of being kind for a single moment!?

She is so flawed, but also a Mary Sue; like the flaws are there, but they're almost never addressed, and when they are, they get dropped easily or forgiven immediately.

To me, it's not charming; I don't like when a male character is hubristic but always right and always gets the last word, and I still don't like it when a female character does it.

And I know, she, finally, decides to "change" but has she really? I haven't listened too much past that episode, but that doesn't negate her previous actions.

[beevean]

One thing about Farnese that often escapes people:

when she was at Albion she felt genuine pity for the refugees. Yeah she burned percived heretics at the stake and jacked off to them, but she was seriously concerned for that mother with the dying baby

Even when Farnese was at her lowest she still had a conscience not too deep down. The fact that she wrestled so hard with her own preconceived notions about religion after they were challenged, as them being wrong would mean that she could no longer justify her horrible acts to herself, is already different from Griffith

Griffith also felt guilt and rationalized him sending people to their death, but he successfully convinced himself of not really caring about his companions, plus he never cared about people outside of his direct group (Guts has a similar issue even after his development, he may have grown to care a lot about his friends and is no longer a mass murdering sociopath, but it's not like he thinks about all the suffering he's caused to the likes of Theresia nowadays, he's used to it, he may have felt guilty in the moment but he's pretty much erased those events from memory due to his own desensivitation to death and misery). To Farnese it wasn't so easy and, ultimately, had the emotional maturity to recognize that she truly was in the wrong

It's true. Farnese threw herself into her role as the leader of the Holy Iron Chain Knights for many possible reasons (wanting to please her father, wanting to feel powerful, wanting to feel safe in a cocoon), but she doesn't go out of her way to hurt people who from her perspective don't "deserve" it, and while at first she was quick to find a justification, Mozgus' reasons for torturing that poor woman in need were just too flimsy. (the servants are a bit of a special case, maybe - from what I understood, her tyranny came from believing they wouldn't want to be with her anyway so she tried to drive them away first. Or perhaps a need to feel powerful in a home that had abandoned her)

We joke about her masturbating at the thought of burned people, but her pyrophilia is nothing more than yet another manifestation of her desire to be appreciated. It was born, on top of the fire of the executions providing her light and warmth when she was left alone, when she started to set people on fire herself - the people who, according to the adults around her, "deserved" to burn, even though she didn't understand why - and she was praised for it. At her core, Farnese just wants to feel useful and loved and not like a burden or a defenseless child. Which is why, eventually, she has to accept that the protection that the Holy See offered her was hollow, and following Guts would help her grow up.

I just never thought about the parallels between Farnese and Griffith (I always associated Farnese and Nina), but yeah, now they're very blatant. Griffith had a strong objective, and despite beind swayed by Guts, he came to the conclusion that he could no longer turn back, no matter the consequence. Farnese, on the other hand, with much smaller ambitions, chose the hard way of atonement. And as for their possessiveness towards Guts and Serpico respectively, it's another thing Farnese grows out of, while Griffith... well, we know what he did to the people he deemed "his".