#maybe it's the fact i've been trying to push all of these 'less nice' feelings down so as not to be too negative/undesirable to be around

[robinsnest2111]

one day I will address that weird fucked up feeling of not wanting anything romantic from anyone but feeling a soul shattering stab of jealousy(?) whenever someone I'm friendly with mentions they're in a relationship. makes me feel 'replaced' and unimportant(?). (WHY?)

rationally I know I shouldn't feel this way because wtf who the hell even does, this is hypocritical and utterly ridiculous bs. but still. I've always felt this way and idk how to make it stop.

[jerreeeeeee]

"Don't think I didn't notice you slip out when we had Lucretia over yesterday," Lup says. She and Barry had a nice enough lunch with her, did their best to pretend they weren't all drowning, but the third member of their household had made himself conspicuously absent all afternoon. In fact, this is the first time she's been able to catch him still, not in between some task or other. He's kept himself busy lately.

Taako rolls his eyes, trying, in the way he does, to hide the way his shoulders start to creep towards his back-angled ears. "It's not really a secret I don't want to see her."

Lup sighs. "Taako, she's already apologized. What more do you want from her?"

"I don't want anything from her," he says, voice tight, eyes down. "I thought I made that pretty clear."

Lup flinches, despite herself. "Then what, you just.... never talk to her again?" Could he really just cut her out like that? After everything? Could they really go back to how they used to be? After everything?

His eyes stay on the floor, and he shrugs like he doesn't care. Maybe he really doesn't anymore. "That's the idea."

Read on ao3 or continue below

"That's awful," Lup says. "For both of you. That doesn't make you sad?" She wants to believe it does, but she just doesn't know anymore. Her brother has always had hidden depths, but they've never been hidden to her. Is his anger and hurt really stronger than the bond he and Lucretia had built? What if—

"It makes me less sad than the thought of you left to rot in an umbrella for ten years. I robbed your body, Lup." Taako only meets her eyes then, and his are so anguished, she knows there's no convincing him. From the tiny slivers of the intensity of his hurt she's seen—all that he's allowed her to see—she's starting to understand why.

Still, she tries for defense. "She didn't mean for any of that—she couldn't have known—" It's weak, and she knows it.

Taako scoffs, carefully avoiding her gaze. She wishes he'd just look at her. "It still did, though! It all still happened!"

Her heart sinks in her chest and she tries one more time. "She only did what she thought was right!"

His eyes would be ablaze, if she could just see them. "Well, she was wrong!"

"Stop blaming her for my mistake!" Lup finally shouts, and it all comes rushing out. "I came up with the relic plan in the first place, Lucretia only did what she could in the face of my mess! It was all me! I disappeared! I left you!" I'm the one you should be angry with, she doesn't say. I'm the one you are angry with. You just can't say it.

Taako can only stare at her, openly shocked. "No," he says, "no, Lup, I don't blame you—" He does, though. Everything he'd said was true of her, too.

"It doesn't matter if you blame me," she says bitterly. "It's still true." Of course he doesn't want to blame her. Of course it's easier to foist it all onto Lucretia and then cut her off—but it's not quite the full scope of the thing. He was left alone before Lucretia ever made her mistake.

Taako looks at her helplessly. "Well. I... I will make up with her. If that's what you want. I don't—I don't think I can forgive her. But I will move on. For you."

"I'm not—I’m not asking you to do anything you aren’t ready for," Lup says, regretful. She should've known this is what he'd say, but she wouldn’t ever try to pressure him into anything. "Your relationship with her is your business. I didn’t mean to make you think you have to do anything for me. I just—I've already lost too much from my mistakes, and gods know you have. So I don't want you to push her away as—as a proxy. She did her best with what I left her."

"She's an adult, Lup," Taako says, his eyes flinty and cold. "I know you have a hard time seeing her as anything but the Starblaster's baby, but I got to know Madame Director. She made her choices. And she knew the consequences. For all of us.”

“Yeah. So did I.” Lup looks away, eyes watering. “Gods, don’t you get it, that’s why I feel so bad for her—she didn’t know how bad it would get, she didn't know the consequences. ‘It’s only for a little while,’ that’s what I told myself, too.”

“But you—no,” Taako says, “no, I don’t see it that way. You didn’t betray us. Lup, it’s not the same. If everything had gone right you would’ve been right back. And it's—you sacrificed yourself, you know? I don't think it was a good decision, but it was your decision. You and your fucking martyr complex—" It's meant to be teasing, but now's not the time, and it comes out bitter.

He continues, "But she made the decision for everyone else. Lucretia always knew what she was doing. She doesn't get to do that to us. To me. Take away everything good I've ever had. Even if it had only been a year—even if it had only been a day! I’m not only angry because she took time I could’ve spent finding you, because she's the reason you were trapped so long, I was fucking miserable, too, it hurt like half my fucking life was missing, like everyone I loved was gone, all the time, and I couldn’t even understand why—"

He cuts himself off, eyes wet, jaw set, and looks away, like he doesn't want her to see. Like he can’t bring himself to let her see how badly he’s wounded; and it's her fault. "And she saw how it left me, she could've ended it any time, and she didn't. It’s not the same, Lup, it’s not.”

“It’s close enough,” Lup says, swiping at her eyes. “We both hurt you. You wouldn't be so angry—so hurt—if I'd stayed. You can say you would, but we both know you wouldn't. I didn’t betray you, but I abandoned you, she and I both thought we could fix things alone and we were both so stupid for it—“

“God damn it, stop!” Taako shouts, flings his arms out from where he'd been still and tense, takes a step forward, and another, closing the gap between them, the gap Lucretia left, the gap Lup left, shrinking it by explosive force of will. “Fucking stop. You don’t get to decide, Lup! You don’t get to decide if I forgive Lucretia and you sure as hell don’t get to decide if I forgive you. Stop pitying yourself and just fucking listen to me!"

His eyes are wide, he looms as she shrinks back, and isn't that an odd reversal. She's almost glad he's angry with her. She knows she deserves it, and he certainly deserves to get it off his chest. It's just more volatile than she'd expected. She's not afraid of him, she never could be, but she is afraid for him. Something's broken and wild in him now, and she doesn’t know how to restore it.

So he just raves, untethered, "It’s not up to you! It’s too late! I already forgave you! I forgave you as soon as it happened! Just fucking let me!”

“Taako,” Lup gasps, finally weeping, as he takes the last step to bring them together, and she lets his arms sweep around her, falls into them. Her eyes squeeze shut and she wipes her tears in his shoulder, lets his words sink in.

“It’s over,” he says, holding her tight. “It’s all over now.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, one last time.

He only grips her tighter. “Stop being sorry.”

They stand there for a few minutes, and Lup does her best to quell the guilt that threatens to rise like bile in her throat. It won't do any good to hold on to it. Taako said he forgave her. She should believe him. She still feels she shouldn't be letting him hold her while she tries to get her tears under control. He's more hurt, she shouldn't be making him comfort her, it's not fair that he always has to be the one propping her up, holding her together while she falls apart, just like before, and then she just went and left him all on his own—

"I said, stop being sorry," Taako says quietly, after she's been silent.

Lup becomes aware of herself, like waking up for the first time, like being in her body for the first time again—it happens sometimes, she doesn't realize she's been caught in her mind until she's back. But she's here now. This is real. She feels her soft sweater, Taako's arms around her pressing the fabric into her back, his hair tickling her face, a little longer than she's used to, and she realizes she's gripping the shoulders of his shirt in tight fists.

"It's not that easy," she mumbles, unwinding her hands. "But. Thank you."

"'Course." He pulls away and holds her by the shoulders, looking suddenly sheepish. "Uh, sorry for yelling at you." He softens for her, makes himself gentle as best he can, like always, though it's slow and awkward now. He's out of practice.

"Nah," she says with a small smile, reassuring, "I needed to hear it." He's spent too long not being listened to. They both have.

"I did mean it," Taako says. "I'm not angry at you. I'm really not. I should've—nothing I said about Lucretia was about you. I didn't mean to make you think that. And I... I will make up with her, someday."

"You don't have to, Taako," Lup says. "I shouldn't have come at you about it. You're right, it's not for me to decide."

"Yeah, but..." He trails off and then switches to another thought, sure she'll be able to follow, and she does, of course she does. "I just have a hard time getting it into my head that Lucretia's the same person as Madame Director, you know?"

"Yeah," Lup says. She almost knows, but she only has the one memory, and even after everything she still can't look at the old, weary woman without seeing their Lucy.

"I just—I might take a while," Taako says, squeezes her shoulders even as his eyes drift away. "I don't know."

"That's okay," Lup says. "Babe, you don't have to rush anything."

"I do, though, don't I?" He frowns, face open, eyes flicking toward her. "We're mortal now. Most of us," he gives her a fragile smile.

"Some of us are also grim reapers, bud," she says, and takes his hands, holds them between the two of them. "And Lucretia looks older than she is. From stress, not just magic."

"Yeah," he says, unsure. "Maybe."

"Are we..." she starts, suddenly afraid, her ears tilted back, and this time it's her that glances away. "Are we okay?"

He gives her a strange look. "Yeah, I just said so."

"I mean, in general," Lup says, voice gone thin. "Everything's different, it's..." She can't express it. After a lifetime of profound understanding, the tiny space still left between them feels vaster than words.

But even still, after everything, Taako understands her. He tugs on their clasped hands, pulls her closer, and step by step, the gulf shrinks. "We're gonna get there," he says. He lets her hands go, and for a moment she's lost again, floating in endless darkness, but then she's shocked back into presence as his hands cradle her face, and he's right there in front of her, eyes locked to hers, trying for a reassuring smile. He presses their foreheads together and she finally feels solid, real, safe.

Lup tries to push her uncertainty down, and then thinks better of it. Taako's never cared about nobility. Martyring herself hasn't ever helped anyone she loves. He'll never be able to lean on her if she doesn't trust him enough to lean on him first. She lets her voice be small and scared. "Promise?"

"Yeah," he says, quiet and something approaching gentle, only a little hoarse around the edges, but he's getting there. "Yeah, Lup, I promise."

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

ok sardines headcanons & character thoughts let's go

(aka cos i've been writing a carl x stu fic i've ofc been thinking about them constantly so i have thoughts and i'm making them in a post lol)

carl:

so in the ep they mention he has 2 sisters, rebecca the youngest, and caroline who isn't there but i headcanon as being the middle child, which ofc makes carl the oldest which SO fits with his whole vibe imo!

& i also think because rebecca is younger it maybe explains why she's less affected by the whole thing w/ their father (and why she still calls him daddy, like look, i'm a youngest child, i know we have the reputation of being the spoilt favourites lol) & also why caroline wasn't there! (also the subtle hint as to why, when the nanny mentions how it's been a while since she saw 'the boys'... as in caroline literally moved to another country with her sons to stop her father's abuse Yikes...)

(also i LOVED the sibling moment where pip calls rebecca a bitch and they both turn and glare at him lol... )

also r&s always have amazing costumes in their stuff that speak SO much to the characters and carl's is no different!! that he's wearing a 3 piece suit to a party, keeping as much of himself covered up as possible!

even the way he shoves himself further into the corner of the wardrobe as more people come in... it all speaks to his struggles with intimacy brought on by that childhood trauma...

stu:

i love that on the surface stu doesn't feel overly complex: he's camp he's gay he makes jokes he drinks, that's about it BUT the closer you look at him and esp his relationship to carl it reveals there's so much more to his character than just that!

for me he totally has youngest sibling energy tbh! (not just saying this cos i love oldest sibling/youngest sibling relationship dynamics lol) he maybe didn't get said no to often as a kid, but at the same time is aware of how often he plays mediator between his parents and his older siblings (no i'm not projecting shut UP), so when he lashes out at carl and makes the intimacy issue remark it felt just like that: that he was lashing out trying to get a reaction (cos stu is crass but i don't see him as cruel, and 100% he would have understood why carl has those issues even if carl hadn't properly told him everything about it yet...)

+ all the times he made his innuendos and jokes and carl shut him down, he's fully aware of what he's doing and obviously enjoys pushing his buttons lol (see the 'you're pretty when you're angry' remark he makes about rebecca and carl lol) and i love that we get a glimpse of carl doing the same when he makes the roommate remark lol

there is obviously still turbulence there (mostly brought on by the fact carl is back in the place he was abused so it's like... understandable he would be on edge and snapping at stu), and with every rewatch i am constantly desperate for them to make actual amends before the final reveal, but what gets me is how much love you can still feel between them despite all the animosity :')

oh also stu is a hairdresser i decided lol it just fits perfectly lol (how beautifully styled his hair is in the episode, him loving to gossip and chat and make jokes, i can literally HEAR him say 'you doing anything nice on your holidays?' lol)

[pipsqueakparker]

ok but what dots did you connect in the oops flashbacks i"'m curious now

so here's my extensive personal analysis/breakdown of oops as it pertains to blitzø, fizz, and their history - i'll preface this by reminding you that i am just some silly little guy on the internet that loves to read into things

first of all, the sheer fact that fizz knows exactly what to say to get under blitzø's skin speaks to just how close they were because even fifteen years later fizz knows what buttons to press to get a reaction. this isn't a revelation by any means, but just a bit that i wanted to include because as a writer i love the subtle power of one or two lines of dialogue - and i don't think fizz actually expected blitzø to fucking pounce but he probably should have lbh

additionally, despite saying how much he fucking hates this guy, he is still extremely protective when striker gets his hands on fizz - and okay, i just thought the detail of him pushing fizz's head down so he doesn't get shot was just cute.

okay, so yes - so far i have simply connected the very basic dots of irrefutable evidence that blitz and fizz were very close friends. but was it more? yes, absolutely. at the very least, we know blitz had feelings for fizz but i fully think that was reciprocated and even acted upon and here's my further evidence:

I couldn't get a good screenshot, but the letter says 'FIZZ'S EYES ONLY' and it's sealed with a little heart and he has a little flower and he was about to give this to fizz for his birthday. blitz was coming with his little love letter, and it appears he made it all the way there with full intentions of handing that over to him - in front of other people. whatever they had, they at the very least weren't trying to hide it.

(and i'm so soft for the idea that this wasn't the first love letter he'd written to fizz, but i digress)

but in the moment just before...

CASH LITERALLY HANDS FIZZ A CARD THAT SAYS 'WISH YOU WERE MY SON' - now, Blitz may not know what the card says, but i'm sure cash was never subtle about favorites. especially when his favorites were just whoever made him the most money, and we know fizz made him a nice chunk of change - especially in comparison to blitz, who, in cash's eyes, was probably worth even less than a crumpled up five and a slim-fit condom by this point.

here's where i've connected my dots - it gets long so i'm gonna pre-emptively stick a rea more here

something happened just before blitz got to the tent, he's rolling up, love letter in hand, probably got that goofy fuckin smile on his face because it's fizz's day and he's so excited to see fizz, when someone stops him. it could've been cash, it could've been barbie, it could've been some random fuckin guy on cash's payroll who was assigned the task of breaking blitz's fucking heart, but someone told him something.

there are... many possibilities, but here's what i've convinced myself the truth is - fizz was the fuckin' star, he was the One mostly likely to make it the fuck out, and everyone knew that including blitz - hell, blitz probably thought they could do it together, because he tried to hold on to that dream for himself as long as he possibly could. but someone - maybe fucking everyone, we don't know the general feelings on blitz pre-fire - told blitz that he was holding fizz back. not just once, but many times, spent as much time as they could convincing blitz that he was distracting fizz, that fizz wouldn't make it if blitz kept clinging on. that, ultimately, their relationship was going to be fizz's downfall. (and probably because they knew fizz was really fuckin soft for blitz and didn't think they could push him up any higher so long as he was determined to keep blitz by his side)

and i think he was caught just outside the tent with that letter, and reminded of that "fact".

so this moment, witnessing this exchange, seeing fizz so fucking happy while he is left feeling like he is somehow ruining the person he loves? ripping away any chance for future success? i think he's already started feeling ashamed of himself here, and this anger is entirely towards himself, not fizz. so...

yeah, he lashed out and accidentally set the tent on fire and the prophecy fulfills itself. by believing that bullshit, he truly "ruins" the person he loves. and his mom, what a horrible additional fact.

(but i pull this from blitz's reactions when fizz tells him that getting blown up did not ruin his life, and that actually because of what happened, he's ended up in a place so fucking good and with someone that makes him so fucking happy - even when he thought he truly fucked up fizz's life, he didn't ruin it.)

and it of course didn't stop there, because they were both being fed lies after the fire. "they" told blitz that fizz didn't want to see him, and 'they' were probably feeding fizz lies about blitz not caring enough to come, probably started feeding into fizz's whole idea of no one caring about him if he isn't useful or talented - because even blitzo left him once he was too broken and he never thought he'd lose blitzo.

(and my guess is that cash is at least one of the 'they's mentioned, judging from a screen cap from the trailer, when blitz is reliving his memory and we see cash outside of fizz's hospital room - and i would 100% believe that at the very least after the fire, barbie became one of the people pushing blitz away, too. i'm so curious about their relationship before the fire, when did they truly disintegrate?)

anyway - this 'oooohh' could very well just be the realization of a horrible miscommunication, or it could be the realization of the lies that they were fed to keep them apart. it could be both.

(okay but imagine blitz bringing this all to therapy, god what a field day - as someone that just made up with a childhood best friend after we had a huge falling out in our teenage years, my therapist and i had such a time rehashing and healing some old wounds)

ANYWAY

so, yes, from all of THAT it is very safe to assume that blitz and fizz were extremely close friends. at the very least, they were like besties 5eva.

however, i am telling you that these two fucking dated. and here is my supporting evidence:

okay, this could also just be a TMI bestie thing but something tells me blitz made fizz watch his horse porn shows and there is nothing inherently platonic about that. i'm not saying you can't watch porn with your friends, but i am saying that if you're watching porn with your friend you at least wouldn't say no to fucking that friend. and it is valid to still hold a platonic relationship with that person! but...

BLITZ'S FUCKING FACE HERE.

that's... a very fond and familiar look. that's a 'oh, we've been in this position before' and he's not mad about being back in it, that is a face that has been this intimately close with fizzarolli and is probably reliving all of those moments right now.

and yes, this can still be read as blitz just reliving his one-sided crush so let me just add on the final moment that cemented in my mind that they had already moved beyond mutual crushes...

this is i think one of my favorite moments & you can't convince me that this is the first time blitz has ever said that. i mean look at their FACES. (yes it is a funny one-liner, but look, i'm here for the deep dive baby and i will read into every single detail)

and so here i'll also just give my little thoughts on this moment, because i don't think this is the first time blitz has said something along those lines and i want to believe it's actually a callback to a moment we haven't seen.

like maybe the moment after they've actually confessed their feelings to each other - fizz is probably a nervous fucking wreck, because maybe it was his idea to just tell blitzo how he feels and he blabbers on about it and keeps reassuring blitz that this doesn't have to change anything between them and actually if he wants they can both just forget this EVER HAPPENED because like, fizz would totally be okay with that if blitz doesn't feel the same way -

and as adorable as blitz finds fizz's nervous babbling, he does stop him because god of course he feels the same way, fizz is one of the single most important people in his life, and maybe he can't quite say that but he says something close. he says it how he can, and he's not good with words but he doesn't have to be because fizz gets it and fizz, overcome with relief and also probably just overwhelmed bc oh blitz likes him BACK? he just reaches out and hugs him because what the fuck else are you going to do? and maybe he's babbling again about how he didn't expect blitz to feel the same way, and he's lowkey pouring all of his insecurities out, and blitz hugs him back because he knows it'll calm him down and it does and they're just sitting there in each other's arms.

and blitz being blitz. well. he's gotta shoot his shot, and yes this is a very nice moment but... "would it totally fuck up the moment if we made out right now?"

and it kind of just became his thing when the emotions got too overwhelming of just suggesting they make out, because he doesn't know how to hold emotions unless he is actively letting it out physically. because blitz is bad at the words but good with the sex, and assumedly most other forms of physical intimacy.

so yes,

[queeoretician]

Initial thoughts on The Unwanted Guest below the cut:

Well, damn. There sure is a lot going on here, and I'm all about it.

Front and centre is the concept of the permeability of the soul, and there's so damn much to chew on around that. Then we have Dulcie! Dulcie! She and Pal finally get to talk, both dead but still kicking! She would have liked Gideon! And we get more direct insight into Ianthe's psychology, which is a nasty little treat.

The first place my mind went was to Paul - if Pal and Cam were already experiencing memory transference, then maybe they saw some kind of soul merger as inevitable, and that was another push towards doing it intentionally, doing it right. But writing it down now I'm less sure of that inference. And the fact that Pal and Dulcie got to talk, really talk, was both wonderful and all the more bittersweet if (I'm assuming) Pal's and Cam's individual souls no longer exist to reunite with Dulcie in Alecto. I have to say, when I first read Nona I didn't really get why people found the birth of Paul to be so sad, but I've come around on it since then. (I should write more about that sometime...)

Regarding the permeability of Ianthe's soul, one thing that occurred to me is that her genderfuckery vibes over the past two books are probably not Ianthe Tridentarius's identity, but a new thing formed of the (imbalanced) gestalt that is Ianthe Naberius. I really hope Alecto gives us more on gender and lyctorhood and soul permeability! I imagine this is all the more jarring for Ianthe with how she's so deeply anchored to her relationship with Corona, to find her ego boundaries to be permeable in relation to Babs. I firmly believe her shell-shocked reaction to the birth of Paul was at least in part her thinking "oh shit, did I eat the wrong person?" If she had wanted this kind of erosion of self with anyone (and I'm not sure she did), it would have been Corona. Having it happen with Babs by accident is a real slap in the face.

Which brings me back to my wild theory for Alecto - Corona will (at least try to) pull a Paul with Judith, and Ianthe will utterly lose her shit. This story really underscored just how little Ianthe understands her sister, which we already saw some of in the embassy scene. Sure, Corona isn't the flawless sword hand that Babs was, but in BoE she's shown herself to be a canny operator and a decent fighter, which Ianthe is steadfastly in denial of. At the end of the day I believe the story of Ianthe will be of someone who loved without understanding, who put her love up on a pedestal and at the same time belittled her as someone both more and less than she actually was.

Another thing that I latched onto was the argument about whether lyctors' cavaliers' souls provide a truly perpetual source of energy or not. Ianthe was pretty adamant that they do, but that honestly came across as arrogance or bravado. There's a strong parallel between lyctoral power and nuclear power, and all kinds of nuclear activity eventually reach a point past which they no longer emit appreciable energy, so I feel confident in saying that lyctoral power also diminishes over a long enough timespan. I'm less sure of whether this will come up in Alecto, though - I would be quite surprised if we saw a 100,000-year timeskip (but if we did that could be super fucking interesting).

Back to more direct applications of soul permeability, I have to imagine there's been some exchange of something between Jod and Alecto, at least before he locked her in the Tomb. That could go in all kinds of interesting directions that I haven't yet had a chance to contemplate adequately.

Speaking of Alecto, the John chapters of Nona seem like a pretty clear case of transference between her and Harrow. I wonder - were those happening concurrently with the Nona chapters? If so, it would make for a nice symmetry between Harrow and Alecto/Nona.

Either way, we've got a gross messy soul transference hookup graph with Gideon<-->Harrow<-->Alecto<-->John (gross) - I'm dying to know more about what this means for each of them (especially with Tazmuir's "if Gideon's soul is a happy meal" line from this interview).

So as usual, Aaaaaaa there's so much to chew on and so much more I want to know and I can't wait for Alecto aaaaaa...

[finalgirlkateausten]

“I just got up too fast” for teen!sam please if you so desire?

Canon just gave me the perfect angsty opportunity for Sam to open up to the team about her history and her ED... and I've already established grief is a trigger for those habits... so have some adult Sam reaching out to her support system when she starts to relapse :))) TW for discussion of eating disorders and ED recovery, and some comments on body image.

˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗

"Sam!"

"Woah, Carter!"

Despite the fact that she'd intended to get off the floor, when Sam blinks the spots out of her vision she's still seated amongst the insurmountable stacks of books, journals, and paraphernalia they'd all been trying to clear out of Daniel's office. In fact, the way she's sprawled over the floor, articles and folders underneath her, suggests her descent had been less than controlled. As does the fact that Janet and Jack are both standing over her, looking concerned.

"Major Carter." Teal'c tilts his head, looking down from his seat at Daniel's desk. "Are you not well?"

She groans, shaking her foggy head. "I'm fine, guys. I just got up too fast."

Janet gives her a hand this time, and Sam lets her hold onto her arm until she's sure she's steady on her feet. "Want me to check you out?"

She smirks. "If you thought that was necessary, I'd be in the infirmary by now."

"Maybe we just need a break," Jack suggests. "This is... hard work." A frown pulls at his lips. Sam takes a shaky breath.

Slowly, Janet lets go of Sam and straightens her skirt, rumpled from sitting on the floor and then, presumably, diving when Sam had fainted. "That's not a bad idea. Sam, if you're sure you don't need anything..."

Sam nods habitually, because the empty numbness she's felt since Daniel's death is preferable to the pain of digging into the materials of his life. As soon as she processes that thought, though, she pinches her arm, hard, and calls out to the others. "Actually--"

They all turn back to her expectantly. Her cheeks flush, but she pushes on. "Do any of you feel like grabbing some random food and hiding out in my lab. I... the mess is a little overstimulating right now." Not a lie. "And sometimes I prefer eating with other people."

Prefer, sure. Sometimes, it's the only way she can eat.

It takes less than ten minutes for the four of them to settle in her lab, safe and sterile and free from reminders of Daniel. No, that's a lie-- everything reminds her of Daniel. But being in her own space is... better.

Jack hands her a dish of blue jello. Teal'c is un-stacking several containers of the various warm offerings. Janet hands her a carton of orange juice and another one of apple with a smile. "I'm glad you suggested food. I had half a mind to check your blood sugar while you were all laid out."

"Low," Sam mutters, spooning jello into her mouth. She likes the feel of it, but her brain isn't in the mood for dessert right now. And her body-- well she doesn't know what her body wants. Even all these years later, her stomach detaches from her mind far too easily.

"Sorry, Carter," Jack apologizes, making her raise her eyebrows at him. "I know you forget to eat sometimes. I shoulda said something."

She shakes her head. "Not your fault, it just... happens." She opts for some of the mashed potatoes, a nice and neutral-- but filling-- food. "It's, um. Been kind of bad lately. I guess I should've seen it coming..."

Janet tilts her head. "What do you mean?"

She stares at her plate, taking methodical bites, inhaling after every swallow. She's in her lab, with her team. This isn't a rocky dining room table with her father staring her down from his seat at the head. She's eating because she wants to, because it's important.

"After, um, my mom died," she says quietly, "I just kind of... stopped eating. It was... a while... before anyone noticed. Long enough that it took, um. A few years for things to get back to normal."

"I have participated in mourning customs that involve fasting until the ceremonial celebration of the dead," Teal'c offers. "Is this not a similar event of which you speak?"

"Um, no." Sam takes a long drink of juice. "I think, if I had seen a shrink way back then, it would've been called an eating disorder."

"Jesus, Carter," Jack mutters, and she hopes he can't see the trepidation overwhelming her as she bares herself to them. "You were, what, thirteen? You must've been a goddamn twig."

"I'm better now," she insists. "Now that I... understand it. I mean, priorities, right? I have to want to take care of myself." She looks down at her food. "It's just... getting hard again."

Janet cocks her head, her eyes illuminated with understanding. "Is it easier to eat with other people? Some patients find it harder."

"It's better if other people are eating," Sam confirms, picking up a strip of bacon from Jack's collection of breakfast food. Maybe at some point in the future, she'll admit to someone how humiliating it had been in the early days, to have her dad watch her like a hawk over his mug of black coffee as she painstakingly worked her way through a bowl of oatmeal. But this is just a meal shared between friends, and it's okay. She's already feeling a little better. "Now... I can recognize when I'm eating that it tastes and feels good, and I'm coming back to myself. It's mostly just the hunger cues I have trouble with."

"Always thought that was just 'cause your brain was too full of quantum physics," Jack offers with a snort. "Would it help if I, I dunno, had some protein bars in my pockets offworld? I mean, I already do, but do you want someone mentioning it every now and then? Or do you just want us to accept this and move on?"

"I mean." She gestures to their current set-up. "I don't know what kind of coping mechanisms you have going for you, but I might need a little extra help for now."

"I am always willing to feast with you, Major Carter," Teal'c declares. "Perhaps getting off the mountain would be enjoyable. You can show me some of your favorite human restaurants. I am already familiar with Colonel O'Neill's propensity for grilled meat."

"And I keep Gatorade in the infirmary," Janet adds. "It's always in the nutritional fridge. You're welcome to it, just to have a little something extra when you're hunkered down in the lab."

Sam grins. "I do love Gatorade. The yellow one specifically."

"I have everything except red," Janet confirms.

"Y'know, I think Teal'c had the right idea," Jack says, around a mouthful of probably-stale hamburger. "We should go for ice cream. Get some fresh air."

Sam takes a bite of pizza. "That sounds like a great plan."

They pick their way through the rest of the food, and she doesn't even feel bad about the leftovers. On their way up in the elevator, Jack squeezes her arm. Sam's heart does something weird but not painful in her chest.

"You ever need anything else, Carter, you let us know," he says softly. "We wanna keep you around."

She leans her head against his shoulder in spite of herself. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

[pettyprocrastination]

I turn 23 in 30 minutes

(discussion of mental health, depression, and body image/body weight).

I'm queuing this post ahead of time in hopes that by midnight I will be asleep like a responsible adult because I do in fact have work in the morning (fixing my sleep schedule is a slow and steady race I promise you all) but this is just a sort of. reflection? on my year and my thoughts on reaching another big age.

nobody needs to look at this- I'm just using this as a journal because I'm pretty sure mine is still in the trunk of my car from when I went on vacation.

anywhoo. I turn 23 in 30 minutes. And its. weird?

But still nice.

I started this year off in a horrendous spot.

I was 112 lbs, still working my shit retail job where i'd go and cry in the bathroom just about every single shift for the next two months. I didn't want to eat, sleep, shower, or interact with anybody. I hadn't felt like this since my stepfather died and even then it wasn't as severe. I hated myself and blamed myself for everything wrong in my life, I felt like a ghost in my own body.

But slowly, things began to improve.

I have a new job now, a 9 to 5 that I enjoy yet I'm unfortunately going to have to return to the job hunt soon so I can find one that gives me benefits as I can't stay on my family's health insurance forever (the joys of adulthood) but It still feels good to have that dedicate schedule where I get to work with my hands and get paid for it every Monday through Friday.

I'm spending more time with my friends. Last week I spent a week at the beach with a dear friend of mine and a collection of her own friends, none of which I had met before. I was absolutely petrified initially but had the time of my life with them all, ending the wonderful experience with going to my first ever concert and crying from the joy of it all. (it was hozier.)

I'm pushing myself to do more and go out- I'm in a coaching position for my roller derby league, I recently attended a practice scrimmage with players who have been in this sport for 8+ years and while I fully believed I didn't belong in this space, I was able to hold my own and had so much fun getting to play with all of them. I don't know if i'll be able to try out for the state league because of scheduling- but maybe some day further down the line.

I took a day trip out of state to go to an all women's gym with friends at my university before I graduated. One thing to know about me is that I go to the gym alone about 99.9% of the time. I'm not good at social situations, especially ones in new areas so the notion initially was one I was ready to dismiss- but how often do you get chances like that?

I've signed up for my first ever powerlifting meet. I'm still very new to the gym with less than a year of weight lifting under my belt, but i've told myself this is the year to push myself and become somebody I'm proud of nobody how hard it is going to be. I've always loved powerlifting and want to get into the sport so bad but I can't afford a coach nor do I want to sign up for a full competition without knowing the ins and outs of the first event. I found a local deadlifting competition for a pride foundation next month and signed up for it with the goal of increasing my deadlift by at least 10 lbs by then. I'm simply competition against myself and trying to see how much I can progress during that time, which is something I really love about the sport. I'm still a fucking lightweight loser when it comes to heavy lifting- but at least this way I'll be able to see what a meet is like and learn what to expect.

I started going to therapy beginning of February/late January. It's been a saving grace honestly. Having an unbiased professional I can sit and talk and cry to has been quite the saving outlet. I rent a private study room at the library once every week for our meetings and it's become a little ritual of my own that i'm quite fond of now. (take this as your reminder that your local public library has so many amazing resources that even if you don't read often you can still use!!) though I've only been going for a few months, it's helped me drastically in how I view myself and letting others in during moments of weakness.

I'm allowing myself to rely on my friends. It isn't easy. And honestly sometimes I fucking hate it and feel pathetic for it- but my friends have been there for me so goddamn much within the past few months I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. There are days where I'd rather curl up In my bed and not speak to a single soul about how I feel because there's nothing I fear more than being a burden to those I love- but I have to remind myself that they want to be there for me the same way I want to be there for them. If they need me to pull back they'll simply communicate that desire and I will do so, but I can't keep assuming the worst when I need to rely on somebody for love and support. It's hard to not feel like a burden in those moments, that I'm exhausting those I love- but I also know I would do the same for them any day of the week. "Shared joy is double the joy, shared sorrow is half the sorrow".

I'm back at 124 lbs. I know it may not seem like much to others but gaining back that 12 lbs over four months has been such an uphill battle not only due to my own genetics+metabolism that makes gaining weight a fucking pain in the ass, but also keeping myself accountable when my mental health is at an all time low to still eat full meals and take care of my body. The moment I stepped on the scale and saw those numbers I cried real tears. I still want to gain more weight, but seeing that improvement helped me realize I am in fact improving and not just staying in this permanent transition period of stagnation for the rest of my life as I've feared.

I'm kinder to myself. At least, I'm trying to do so. I've found that the reality of life is that it's infinitely easier to blame yourself for everything and rot in self loathing rather than take a step back to go "actually- that's not true" and find the strength to go forward while also being aware of what you can do to better yourself as a person, not just for others, but for your own sake at well.

That being said- not every day is meant for self-analysis and introspection. Some days it's okay to just cry and eat some fucking candy bars on the couch my friends.

I'm slowly finding the joy and energy to write again. It's been a hassle to do so- working a 9 to 5 while also going to the gym and then doing chores leaves very little time and energy for other passions- but I've found it's annoying but meaningful work to dedicate time for the little things that make you happy. I've started by promising myself to limit my screentime by not using my phone as much during the day- my lunch breaks at work are spent typing away on a little e-ink word processor I treated myself to instead of doom scrolling on my phone. I've written three short little stories on it, some of them fanfiction others are not- while also beginning a horror project that i've thought about for a year now and want to see where it will go in the end. It's nothing as grand at the 10k beautifully written fics you all create- but I'm finding my passion again and it feels quite nice. I'd like to create something submission worthy this summer, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I'd like to set myself the goal of being able to afford an apartment next year. My family plans on moving cities within a year so it will give me time to save up more money and maybe even get back to making little things on the side to help earn some extra pocket cash for that dream while also paying off my student loans.

I'm not anywhere near the woman I thought i'd at 23 when I was 18 years old. I still live at home, I'm not using my major for my career, nor am I doing anything particularly astounding in my life. But I think that it's okay- and I'm proud of the progress I have made to get myself to this position.

Tomorrow I will spend my birthday at work. Then I will go for a walk (or perhaps a skate?) listen to some music, treat myself to a little sweet drink in my budget and then go see the challengers movies. Maybe with my friends, maybe by myself. I'm not sure yet. I will likely cry at some point during the day, I always do on my birthday.

But I know that I am growing. Even if Its hard to see.

[thotsforvillainrights]

any updates on the baby? I hope your really resting and taking time for yourself!

Can I request a one shot of the reader and stain going out and reader is trying on a bunch of hot outfits and stain admiring them? (How do you think stain would be in public would he wear a face mask cause of his nose or ignore staring strangers and not cover it up?)

(Yes, sorry if it's TMI! I've been placed on medication due to a short cervix and now have a high risk doctor to see in danger of preterm labor. Other than that, little guy seems to be doing well. He's still kicking around in there and we're almost set on a name finally. Hopefully he stays in there and cooks until time, no early visits I hope!)

~Shopping~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

The fun thing about life is the fact that there's a huge enough population to guarantee your looks no matter what. You should never truly have time to feel insecure for too long if you sit back and think about it. You may not be your own 'type' (or maybe you are), but I promise you are someone in the worlds type. You've landed a gruff man, rough around the edges and not exactly a romantic to be honest. By God were you his type. For full honesty, you were more than that to him.

You were essentially his weakness.

Sure he hated feeling the way he did at first, but he quickly learned to give into the emotions he began feeling. It's a nice warmth bubbling up in your chest. If you can ignore the butterflies, love is actually quite nice. Therefore, he did all the cheesy stuff with you that most couples tended to do. One of those things was shopping. Due to his usual covert nature, no one who caught glimpse of his face and features were able to live and tell the tale. It took media a very long time to acquire even the most blurry picture of his silhouette for reference. This made going out a breeze for the both of you. After walking around and window shopping, eating, and taking in the fresh air through the open centered mall, you finally decided on the store you wanted to go into. He followed close behind you, taking in the faces of people whose eyes lingered on you too long. He was observant as he liked to call it...not jealous of course. "I think I want something nice so we can do a restaurant dinner for once. Would you be open to something like that?" You asked him, not wanting to push him past his boundaries. "That's fine." He said shortly, taking a much needed seat near the changing rooms. You smiled and gave him a quick peck on his cloth-covered lips before dipping off somewhere else in the store. Your eyes browsed rack after rack until you found a few outfits you deemed worthy enough to try on. He keep an eye on you out of the periphreal of his vision but mostly remained focused on the few news articles he'd pulled up to read on his phone. He made sure to keep track of himself to see just how much info the fuzz had on him. He smiled when he realized it wasn't enough.

You'd regained his full attention when you emerged from the changing room with your first outfit on. "Well, what do you think? I'm feeling like the color is cute but I don't know about matching accessories to it y'know? Maybe something simple?" He was at a small lost for words, 'how embarrassing' he thought for a moment. That was quickly overshadowed by the tightness in his chest and the feeling of a small fire lighting him up, slowly burning away at his insides until there was nothing left. "I like it..." Was all he could muster to say. Which each and every outfit you tried on, he felt less like being out at the mall and more like taking you home rather quickly for some much needed TLC. However, he's at least try to put himself away and give you the respect you deserved. You'd finally settled on a nice little black number with matching black shoes and gold jewelry to fit. While you checked out he watched you from a short distance as he tried to regain his composure. Surely that dinner date would have to wait for a while. He could use a little stay at home date first.

[donman2112]

"We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months Ago, I heard about burglaries increasing drmatically in the entire City. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric Fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the bggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made For 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and Drove it 7.5 feet into the grund. The ground rod is the key, with The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big Wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the Yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the Mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of The way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right Hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in Mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a Picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front Side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the Lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time That Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my Head. I was literally one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower Were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg To differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels Emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and You're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 Times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality It was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding Onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric Fences ... But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by Intrnational or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now Accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river Bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just Man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a Loping run pattrn as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam In it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into The rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore Roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's Right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, Standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not Take me that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to Writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside Me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and Then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I Was on the ground still holdng on to it. I assume I finally had a Seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little sesion cleared out some carbon fouling or somthing, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.

I don't care what type of humor you like this is funny

I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Credit Goes To The Respective Owner"

[mortallyandrogynoussheep]

11/100 days of getting my life back together

Saturday, July 13, 2024

each day is so different, man. today i woke up much later, at about 12:04. i slept in, i went to bed late, so i cant say i am too surprised with how late i woke up today. i can't be like "oh no, the consequences. the consequences of my own actions", when i struggled to go to sleep yesterday because it was boring to try to fall asleep.

but what's different today is the surprising feeling of hope. i was thinking back on the progress i've made and i think it made me feel good about myself. it's nice to have something to look back to, to see where you have come from and where you are now.

i did some yoga in the morning, + some stretches for my back. i was feeling really good about myself. i also thought of maybe meditating and other things about taking care of myself, but i got overwhelmed in which order i should do it, plus i also needed to make the breakfast, so i decided to take it one step at a time and convince myself that at least starting with stretches in the morning is a good improvement for now.

i am also really happy, because this is two days straight now, that we are having a normal breakfast, and not some cornflakes! i am hoping it is better for my body, you know, nutrients and energy-wise.

we also need to go shopping today, so there's that in the plans for today too. i feel really... light-hearted? knowing that at least i know the minimum amount of work i have to do per day, in order to be okay before the exam comes.

again, will be updating the post, as i do more work

14:18 - 15:20 finished DB7 15:51 - 16:26 finished DB8

i didn't study after that, but at least I fulfilled my 30 slides goal for the day, so it's more or less okay. when we went shopping, my boyfriend ended up buying me the eyeshadow palette I have been eyeing (pun not intended?) for a while, and I've been going back and forth between whether or not I want to get it. I was unsure, because it was really colorful and bright, and it's not normally the colours I go for in makeup. I was afraid I would be too scared to go out in public wearing this kind of makeup, but after trying it at home I don't think I've ever felt happier about makeup EVER.

please do not mind the crappy eyeliner on top, I was rushing to get something fun drawn on myself so it's not perfect. I really like the bright colours, I can't!

I think mostly what has been pushing this is the fact that I have been rewatching a lot of one of my favorite creators on YouTube, and they do a lot of fun and colourful makeup. I think that kind of ended up influencing me and made me feel a little bit more comfortable with trying stuff like that. and I'm really happy about it! they're not about makeup or anything, they are actually about dissociative identity disorder. I don't have it, but I find their content first of all interesting, and I think there are some things that I can learn from it anyway. the name of the channel is DissociaDID, if anyone is interested.

I've been unintentionally sharing some stuff from YouTube recently, I don't think it's going to be a regular thing dkdjkd I don't know why, but I just can't seem to shut up recently, when it comes to sharing something I like.

we also bought some vitamins and melatonin, which I'm hoping is going to help me sleep better. for now, despite this being not my best day, I would say I'm still quite happy with it.

I'll also now be adding forest screenshots, because I saw someone else do it and I think it's interesting! i wanna try the app again.

[anglophiletraveler]

Untitled

So here's a bit of something that I am working on. I shared some of it a couple of weeks ago on a Six Sentence Sunday. I just have bits and pieces right now, and I'm not sure which direction to take with all of it. It's a love story of sorts with Ross Poldark and Jim Hawkins. I've always been a sucker for these two!

Verity was getting a kick out of watching Ross the day of his date with Jim.  He was fidgeting around the house, trying to keep himself busy.  He even tried on at least three different outfits, which totally made Verity lose it, “Bloody hell Ross it’s just Jim!  You’re not going to the bloody prom!”

“At least if it was the prom, I would know what to wear! For fuck sake!”  He got his arms tangled up in the shirt that he was trying to take off without unbuttoning it first!  He was fighting with the blasted thing so much that he almost tore it!

“Here let me help you get out of that shirt.  It would help if you would unbutton it first.  Wanker.”  Verity was grinning.

“I am not a wanker!  I’m just… nervous.  Alright.  Just tell me what to wear because my head is about to explode!”  Ross was getting exasperated by the minute.  He knew he was acting foolish, but he couldn’t help it.  It was their first real date.  Not just sitting in his hospital room in the field hospital talking about stupid things.  And definitely not like sitting around the dinner table at Verity’s.  He loved his cousin dearly but he was beginning to feel a little crowded living with her.  He didn’t know why because there was plenty of room for the two of them in her home.  But maybe not for the three of them.

“Just go with the blue.  You always look good in blue,” Verity advised.  The doorbell rang which made Ross jump.

“Is it 6:30 already?  It can’t be!” Ross was in panic mode now.

“Calm down!  I’ll go let him in and stall him.  Oh and Ross.”

“Hmmm,” he was busy pulling on his blue jumper.

“Don’t forget an overnight bag.”  She teased before she ran out of the door.

However her comment did make Ross stop and think.

******************

Verity let Jim in the door.  Jim was wearing blue as well, which made her giggle to herself.  Both men wearing blue!!  “Well, don’t you look nice. In fact, I can’t wait for Ross to come out and see you!! How many times did you change before you arrived?”  Verity was enjoying herself.

Jim looked at her and shook his head, “Only twice.”

“Well that’s one less than Ross.  He’s been fretting all day,” she said.

Ross was entering the room, “Oi!  I heard that Verity!”  He stopped and looked at what Jim was wearing.  “Oh fuck!”

“Are you shitting me, Poldark?  You have blue on too!!!  We’re going to look like twinkie dinks going out on a date!” Jim yelled out.

Verity couldn’t help herself and busted out laughing.

“Oh not for long!  I can fix this problem.  Sit down Hawkins while I go change.  And Verity you can stop laughing anytime!”

“I can’t help it.  This is barmy.  I couldn’t have planned this if I’d tried!” Verity couldn’t contain herself any longer.  She sat down with Jim while Ross went back to change.

Ross came back out in a black, long sleeved t-shirt with a v-neck.  “There.  No more twinkie dinks.  Can we please get the hell out of here?”

Jim took a long look at Ross, up and down that beautiful, lean body, and he didn’t give a damn if he was obvious.  The black v-neck was incredible.  It was just tight enough to hug the muscles in Ross’s biceps and pecs.  The v-neck revealing a tuft of chest hair didn’t go unnoticed by Jim. The sleeves were pushed up just enough to reveal the dark hair on Ross’s gorgeous forearms.  Then when Ross turned around - those jeans!!  God, those jeans made his ass look beautiful! Jim turned to Verity,  “Don’t wait up for him, Verity.”

[ohthemermanatee]

I really don't have anyone to turn to. I can't believe those who called themselves my friends in the past just never bothered to check up on me and left me to die. I can't believe the amount of times when people cut me off for a single mistake, or maybe just for being neurodivergent. The amount of times I've faced apathy, misunderstanding, indifference, and disappointment makes me feel so overwhelmed. And the people who should have protected me the most, my parents, have been the worst perpetrators of it all, and continue to be. They've let me down so badly. So yeah. I don't have my parents to run to. I don't have any extended family to rely on, cuz they're all horrible. My own parents have berated me, threatened me with physical and sexual violence, belittled my dreams, underplayed my achievements, and regretted my existence. My dad called me a street dog and a leech on two different occasions who only comes to him for money. I got first grade distinction in my masters and he did not even give me a smile or a small praise. But he's my biggest hater, first in line to verbally harass me. Threaten me over financial dependence. My mom is no better. She's entitled, apathetic, genocidal, and verbally abusive. Both my parents are basically Nazis. I have no safe space to go to. I've tried to leave home so many times but I keep failing and ending up back there against my will. And right now with how suicidal I am, I know for a fact that living with them has the power to push me completely over the edge. And I'm really scared it will. I really wish I had the courage to just end it. I don't see the point of still being around. The job market is shit, I'm gonna have to start with really less money anyway, and all that hard work for what? The minute I try to fly I just fail and am forced to go back to the insane asylum that is my parents house. Nothing about that house is mine or safe. I have no one to turn to, every authority figure in my life has severely disappointed me and abandoned me. I completely see what they mean by nobody cares till you're dead. Because nobody does. There's no one who would text me everyday to make sure I'm still alive. There's no one who has the time of the day to check up on me if I don't actively text them. There's no point where I can just be on the receiving end of help without for a second having to feel like a burden. When I finished my bachelors there was COVID so I couldn't find a job and just fuck off. Then I did a masters waiting for the market to absorb the shock. Then I finally felt ready to leave and after going through a lot of abuse from my parents I finally got them to take a student loan for me to leave the country and I thought. That's the end of it. My struggles. Right before I was supposed to graduate I figured this is what I've been waiting for my whole life. It's all uphill from here. But it wasn't. And it's never going to be. Because whenever it gets slightly better it also all starts falling apart. And then it gets so bad it ends up right where it started. The not wanting to live. And that's where I'm at again. And there's no one that can really help. Or maybe I don't want help. The only people who could have really helped would have been my parents but unfortunately they're too shitty of a people to ever come through emotionally. They lack accountability and they're just assholes overall, no matter how nicely they dress it up. And abusers are always so nice to outsiders that nobody believes you. And so I don't want to live. Without a support system. Without a safe space to fall back on. Every step forward is two steps back. And I'm really not seeing the point of any of this anymore.

[coolcarsntrucksngunsnusa]

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the grund. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big-wheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality It was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

"Damn!" I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think, "Oh God, please die ... Pleeeeaze die!" But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the 'go' command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside Me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holdng on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little sesion cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.

I don't care what type of humor you like this is funny

I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[the-gay-prometheus]

I just wanna like. Add on to this.

I experience chronic pain and I have, in fact, "gotten used to it." I put that in quotation marks because it's not really the full truth.

The full truth is, yes, I experience the pain constantly. It's always there. I know it's always there. But I can't always really feel it, because at the end of the day, it has become my body's new normal, and for me, I've been sort of forced to just 'ignore' it. In some ways, I'm grateful for being able to 'ignore' it. Being able to 'ignore' it means I'm still able to do things and that I'm not just constantly writhing around in agony all the time, which is pretty nice. But I'm not grateful for being able to 'ignore' it because the only reason I'm able to 'ignore' it in the first place is because my family didn't believe it was ever real and constantly forced me to do things I didn't feel I was able to do. It was either learn to adapt and shut down the part of my brain that was telling me "HEY. HEY THIS HURTS. HEY. HELLO. IT HURTS. HELLO?? IT FUCKING HURTS." - or it was be forcibly dragged by my arm out of bed and down the stairs without regard to the extra harm that was causing. It was either learn to adapt or be told by everyone around me that I was nothing more than a dramatic little parasite.

That's not a good thing. I know it's not a good thing. I wish I could've learned to adapt just by the will to do so instead of being forced to learn through fear. And, in some ways, even if I could've learned just by the will to do so, would it have actually been good for me? Because regardless, even though now when I'm able to do things people treat me less like I'm little more than a leech and more like a person - but that also means that when I can't keep forcing the pain down and it all comes flooding back, I get believed even less and suddenly I'm definitely just 'lying to get out of doing things' and suddenly I'm worse than a leech.

Here's what I've learned about chronic pain after having it for... Honestly I don't know how many years at this point:

1. No matter how good you get at 'ignoring' it, you'll never be able to 'ignore' it forever

2. No matter how well you think you can handle it, it will get worse, and you'll no longer know how to handle it.

3. When it does get worse, if you feel the need to adapt to it, you will. But you still won't be able to 'ignore' it forever, and it will get worse again. The cycle will continue.

4. As the cycle continues, your pain tolerance will increase. This is a bad thing, because it means when you are badly injured, you'll hardly even know it.

5. The best thing you can do is listen to your body. Listen well. If something even vaguely hurts more than usual, notice that, and try not to do anything that will exacerbate it. You'll only make things worse for yourself.

6. This world is not designed for people with chronic pain (or any disability for that matter). No matter what route you take, things will always be harder for you.

7. Let yourself experience the pain and try to stay within your boundaries and you'll not only likely miss out on a lot, but you'll also experience a lot of hatred from people who don't understand - you'll probably even experience contempt from people who do understand but still feel the need to push themselves (because they will be jealous and frustrated that they didn't feel they had the opportunity to do the same). You'll probably struggle financially, you'll probably struggle to support yourself or others, but at least maybe the pain won't get too much worse.

8. Try to adapt to the pain and the cycle begins. You may be able to do more in the short run, maybe you'll even be able to support yourself or others for a time, but in the long run you might end up destroying yourself.

9. When the cycle begins, the moment you let that adaptation break or the moment it gets worse, very few people will believe you. Very few people will be on your side. You might have a job, but you're going to lose it. You might have finally gotten the admiration of your parents, but you're going to lose it. Accomodations will be something you will fight hard to get, and that fight will end up amounting to nothing a good portion of the time.

10. If people can't see your pain, it doesn't exist to them. Even if you don't think you need it, a mobility aid can open up a whole new world of possibilities for you. Not only might it actually help ease your pain and make getting around and doing things at least a little easier, but it's something people can physically see. Ever since I started using my cane I've had a lot more people open to believing me about my pain/disabilities.

Point is, chronic pain fucking sucks, and honestly, to me at least, the pain itself is the least awful part about it. The most awful part is the people that refuse to acknowledge that it exists in the first place. So if somebody tells you they have chronic pain - I don't care if they're doing hard manual labor or if they're bedridden - you believe them first, and when they tell you what accommodations they need, if you're able to provide them, you provide them. Don't make this worse for us than it already is. Don't keep forcing people into The Cycle™.

I think the biggest misconception abled people have about disabled people's pain is that it feels like normal pain everyone has felt before, and that you can get used to it and grow a tolerance like normal pain.

ITS NOT LIKE THAT

Here's an example, when I was 12 I got a daith piercing in my ear, It was the worst pain I had ever felt. I felt like someone was trying to crush my skull.

Then I became disabled, And that became the worst pain I ever felt. My joints felt like they were literally on fire almost constantly for over 3 years. It NEVER felt less painful.

Last year I had to get my daith repierced, it felt like a tiny pinch.

The constant chronic pain I feel has increased my tolerance for normal pain, but you cannot increase tolerance for chronic pain. It is always excruciating at worst, very uncomfortable at best, the pain never hurts less. You just learn how to accept it and strengthen your mind enough to think past the pain. YOU CANNOT GET USED TO CHRONIC PAIN. That's why we can't "push through it", or "toughen up". It's not normal pain, your brain is literally confused and forces you to feel pain because it thinks you're extremely injured.

Imagine burning your arm on something reeaaally hot, now imagine the burning sensation you feel is inside your muscles and joints and not on the surface on your skin, now imagine feeling that 24/7 and you can't get rid of it. That's what I'm dealing with man. Do you abled people get it now??

[sponge-is-autistic]

Sensory stuff I've noticed bothering me recently.

Went to put on a pair of socks and couldn't get them to line up right with my toes/ couldn't get them to feel the same on each foot with the line at the end in a comfortable spot. This used to be a serious issue for me when I was pretty little, to the point I would scream and cry, especially with tights, and would often make myself late to ballet class because if it. But this largely stopped being an issue. I thought I'd completely outgrown this. It wasn't so bad that I wasn't able to move on, but I did spend several extra minutes trying to get them just right to no avail and it was more frustrating than it should have been.

While squished in the back seat where I was too tall and had to sit hunched over between my two large brothers the sound of them talking was too much. They are rather loud... I put in noise reducing earbuds and instantly felt more relaxed. I also didn't get good sleep the night before. And we were made late due to one of the brothers deciding last minute he wanted to come with us and getting in the shower before everyone else could use the bathroom, forcing us to have to wait for him before leaving. So maybe if it were any one of these things the sound wouldn't have bothered me so much, but it was kind of the cherry on top and I really felt so miserable.

While in a theater between my mom and brother my mom took up the entire seat and was pushing into me a bit, which oddly that in itself wasn't what bothered me but the fact that it wasn't the same on the other side. If my brother were as big as her and it felt the same on both sides it would have been less annoying. I had to position myself in the seat in a way that I wasn't touching her so that my brain could ignore the fact that it wasn't even.

I feel as though things have been bothering me more lately and I'm not really sure why that is. Maybe because of the stress and anxiety of going back to school soon? I don't really know. I'm not terribly concerned and none of this has been unmanageable but just interesting observing these reactions in myself. Trying to make a mental note of it all in case there is a pattern. Would be nice to be able to better help myself.

I know that in the past when I'm in more stressful environments threes things come out in me more. But I don't think things are so bad right now so I'm not really sure. Maybe I have been more stressed and it's just happened gradually so I just haven't noticed? Will continue to try and pay attention to it all.

[never-not-ever]

I spontaneously texted my Nana asking if she wanted to go get dinner tonight and that I'd bring cards and we could play a few rounds. We used to always play games when she'd come visit me inpatient and since I've been out we played once in my apartment, once upstairs in her place and then once at Panera. We're going to this quiet little Italian place so maybe it'll be nice. Plus I need to catch her up on things that may be happening this week.

When I told her I had an appointment today she mentioned me trying to not make appointments on Sundays. Then she was clarifying the other days of the week I had appointments and mentioned how she was going to go to her sisters at some point this week and stay a few nights. So that's when I mentioned grabbing dinner and we could talk then.

Therapy was strange. Before I get into the strangeness, I did mention the Sunday thing and she said I could see her virtually on Sundays since I still see her in person on Wednesdays so that's good. But the strangeness... I don't know if it's an anxiety med or if she's high but I could tell she was definitely "on something". I think I've only seen her like less than 10 times in person so far but the way she looked today was the same as how she looked during my first in person appointment with her and I freaked out back then because I felt like there was zero connection. It's weird cause I don't notice this when it's a virtual appointment. Her in person appointments have gotten easier but it's still weird.

It helps that I don't maintain eye contact for the majority of the appointment so it's easy to not be reminded of how she looks. She's also very braggy and I don't like it. "Well you have me on your team so..." like if I say something hopeless about getting better and my future she always reminds me that she's a part of my team now. If things didn't work out in the past, "well this time you have me". It's only been a few months, and I don't know her well enough and vice versa for her to be so full of herself regarding my recovery. It'd be one thing if she said it once and that was it. In fact I probably didn't think anything of it the first time but the more she says it the more uncomfortable it makes me.

She asked about the self harm and if it happened since I saw her last and I said once. So I saw her on Wednesday and during that session I told her how it hasn't happened the last few days and she was all thumbs up and "that's amazing... blah blah blah" and I hate that. So then today, on Sunday, me saying it happened once since Wednesday and she was once again all excited and at one point said "I can see how hard you're working, I want you to know I can see that". And I wanted to look at her and laugh because lady I'm not doing shit. The urges just weren't there and I've been so exhausted lately and sleeping a lot. I'm not doing any "hard work". Doing hard work would be if I had urges every single day since Wednesday but pushed through and used skills but that's not what happened.

I guess I'm just being reminded more that she really doesn't understand me yet. I feel like my program therapist at partial understood me more than this lady does and I've seen this therapist a lot more.

Ughhhh time to end this ranty post.