#maybe im over reacting! because shit sucks and I gotta suck it up! everyone else has to live like this!

[higgs-the-god]

God I fucking hate this house

[twinklecheeks]

Friends With Benefits (Jeff Wittek Imagine) Part 5

Summary: Jeff and Y/N have been hooking up for a while. The whole vlog squad assumes they’re dating and Y/N does too but Jeff doesn’t like labels. He eventually starts to express interest in Natalie.

Note: Planning on making this a multiple part series, depending on how good it does.  You’re 21 & Latina in this (maybe) series. Also, I’d like to apologize for the typos, if there is any. I’m just illiterate lmao.  

Warnings! pregnancy.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Word Count: 1.7k

David’s house:

You walk into the house and everyone is already making bets on what are the genders. Zane,  Heath and Todd bet both boys, Matt & Corinna bet a boy and a girl, Mariah/Carly/Erin bet both girls. Y/n: “Hey Natalie, can I talk to you in the car outside?” Natalie: “Sure. How are you feeling? I feel like we haven’t talked in months.” Y/n: “I’m doing great but I have to talk to you about something important.” Natalie: “Like what?” Y/n: “All the girls know who the father of my twins are and I don’t want you to freak out…” Natalie: “Why would I freak out?” Y/n: “Because Jeff is the father...” Natalie: “Wait, Jeff cheated on me?” Y/n: “NO NO NO. We kind of had this friends with benefits for months before you dated. He ended it with me before he asked you out. He was the only person I’ve been with during those months so I know it’s his.” Natalie: “Does he know?” Y/n: “No…” Natalie: “Why doesn’t he know?” Y/n: “Because he didn’t treat right. He was a player and I was under his charm. I was basically wrapped around his finger until I had enough.” Natalie: “I mean… I’m not surprised… Jeff looks like a player.” Y/n: “I just hope I don’t ruin your relationship. I told him during our last fight that I hope he treats you better than he treated me. If he wants to be in their life, that’s fine but if he doesn’t, I’ll ask him to sign his rights away once they’re born.” Natalie: “Thanks for telling me… Are you going to tell him?” Y/n: “Yeah but I wanted to tell you first incase he blows things out of proportion.” Natalie: “Understandable. I’ll go get Jeff.” She gets out of the car and goes into the house to tell him to go talk to you in the car. You see him walk out and you panic a bit. 

Jeff: “ummmm hey?” Y/n: “Hi.” Jeff: “Nat said you needed to tell me something.” Y/n: “Okay but you can’t blame me for not telling you sooner. You have been such an asshole to me.” Jeff: “Telling me what sooner?” Y/n: “These babies are yours…” Jeff looked like he saw a ghost. He went pale like he was gonna pass out. Jeff: “Excuse me??!? How the fuck you know those babies are mine?” Y/n: “Pretty simple. You were the only guy I slept with since New Years until you dumped me for Natalie.” Jeff: “I don’t believe you. I want a paternity test once they’re born. Until then, I don’t want anything to do with you.” Y/n: “what the fuck do you honestly believe I just slept around? Wanna know something dick head?? You were the only person I wanted to sleep with because I was fucking in love with you but you treated me like shit and I let you do it for too fucking long. I was blind with something that was never going to happen. But I finally realized what I deserved.” Jeff: “Oh boo hoo I don’t want to hear you sob story and you better keep your fucking mouth shut about this.” Y/n: “Oh honey, you are way too late for that. The girls and David know and I just can’t wait to tell the rest of the guys.” Y/n runs out of the car so fast and locks Jeff in her car. Jeff: “WHAT THE FUCK YOU CRAZY BITCH.” You quickly run inside and lock David’s front door but Jeff get’s in through the back door. Y/n: “hey to the guys who don’t know who my deadbeat baby daddy is, it’s Jeff. Jeff runs in right as you finished that sentence. He basically doesn’t want anything to do with me or the kids he helped conceive until he knows for sure.” Jeff: “YOU SHIT THIS IS WHY I DIDNT WANT TO FUCKING BE WITH YOU. YOU ALWAYS FUCKING THINK YOU’RE THE RIGHT. YOU DON’T EBER FUCKING LISTEN WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU SHIT. YOU ARE EXACTLY LIKE CIERRA TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU’RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. WELL GUESS WHAT SWEETHEART, YOU’RE A NOBODY.. Y/n: “honey the difference between me and Cierra is that she cheated on you and dumped your ass cause she realized how much of a low life you are. You are such a piece of shit. I wish these babies weren’t yours cause I hope they don’t fucking turn out like drug dealers and go to prison. I don’t need you. Sign your rights away once they’re born because I’m fucking done with you saying lies about me.” Y/n turns around to Natalie. Y/n: “Natalie. Good fucking luck.” Jeff was livid. He hated when someone brought up his past mistakes so when you mentioned that you hope the twins don’t turn out like him, it stung. Jeff: “I’ll gladly sign my rights away cause It’d be hell dealing with you and those things for the next 18 years.” Y/n: “don’t fucking call my children that.”

The whole vlog squad were stunned with how Jeff was treating you. Natalie: “Jeff…. WE’RE DONE.” Jeff: “babe plea-“ Natalie: “Save the apologies. It’s too late. You think I’d pick you over her. Girl code bitch.” Todd: “dude, just leave.” Everybody is just so disappointed in Jeff. They thought he was a nice guy but he never showed that side of him. Natalie: “y/n I’m so sorry. If I knew I would’ve never gone out with him.” Y/n: “it’s fine. He seems like Prince Charming at first and then becomes a snake.” Heath: “baby, just know all of us are here for you. It takes a village to raise a baby.” Zane: “she’s gonna need 2 villages.”

1 day later (the night before the gender reveal)

(Y/n is spending the night at Kylie’s house since the reveal party is gonna be at her place)

Y/n: “I told Jeff he’s the father.” Stass: “NO FUCKING WAY.” Kylie: “HOW DID HE REACT.” Y/n: “It was bad… I explained everything and he completely flipped out. So I said if he doesn’t want anythng to do with me or these babies, sign his rights away so I can have full custody.” Stass: “Did you tell Natalie?” Y/n: “Actually, I did. Natalie and I have known each other for longer than we’ve both known Jeff. I knew she wouldn’t get mad at me. And I made sure to tell her that I wasn’t trying to get in between her and Jeff. That ship sailed months ago but she saw all the horrible stuff he was saying and dumped him.” Kylie: “Damn I would’ve loved to be there for that. I Would’ve ripped him a new one.” Stass: “We should get to bed. We have a big day tomorrow! What do you think it’s gonna be? I hear there’s a bet going around.” Y/n: “It’s a tie between twin boys vs twin girls.” Kylie: “Let’s just wait and see what the colors are tomorrow.”

Gender reveal party

Y/n is officially 4 months pregnant and it’s reveal day!

Kylie: “Wake up sleepy head. I know you’re tired with carrying 2 babies but we gotta get you glammed up. Y/n: “Ughhhhh why can’t I just be lazy and stay in bed.” Stass: “Cause you’re finding out what you’re having.” Y/n: “You can just tell me right now :)” Kylie: “ABSOLUTELY not. Kylie’s team then comes in and spends 2 hours doing your hair, make-up and picking out your outfit. You had to choose between a pink and blue maternity dress. You picked the pink dress and have your nails painted matte baby blue (Pictured below how you look)

Once you’re ready, you head downstairs and a bunch of your friends are there. You were glad to see your family, including your dad. He still wasn’t talking to you but he was there. Everybody was having a good time eating, playing the classic shower games like guessing what chocolate is in the “poopy” diaper and other stuff like that. Kylie: “Okay guys! Gather around so we can find out the genders of the twins. Final voting. How many people think they’re boys?” About half think boys, and the other half is equal between boy & girl twin and just girl twins. Kylie: “So y/n is going to be revealing baby A and you guys are going to be revealing baby B.” Kylie gives you the powder cannon. Kylie: “Are you ready?” Y/n: “AHHHH I NO IM NOT BUT I AM.” Everybody: “3! 2! 1!”

Y/n: “IT’S A GIRL!!!! AHHHHH.” Everybody is screaming. Stass: “To the people who bet, y’all better be praying that you’re right.” Kylie and Stass hand powder cannon to everybody at the party and the countdown begins again. 3.. 2… 1!!!

IT’S ANOTHER GIRL!!!!!! At this point, you’re just sobbing. You’re having 2 girls. The only thing you care about in the moment are your baby girls. Zane: “Man we lost the bet. I thought it was gonna be boys.” Mariah, Carly & Erin: “Ayyyye we won!!! Now give us our money.”

A couple of hours later

David: “So I guess you’re not naming one David Jr.” Y/n: “You thought I would?” David: “HEY! You promised for 250k...” Y/n: “I was never going to accept that. A joke is a joke.” David: “How you feeling knowing you’re having 2 girls?” Y/n: “I think it’s pretty ironic. Jeff treats women like shit and look what happened. I’m having girls. But I don’t mind. Baby girl clothes are way cuter than boy clothes.” David: “I just wanted to let you know that I’m in it for the long run.” Y/n: “Huh?” David: “Y/n, I have had a crush on you since before I met Liza. I was crushed when she dumped me and you were always there. You were the only one who was always there for me through thick and thin. I know this is bad timing telling you this but it’s because I was too much of a scared little bitch to tell you. I will be there every single step of the way. I’ll go to your appointments with you if you want me to and be there helping you through labor if you want me to.” Y/n: “I’d love it if you were there for me all the way.”

--------------------------

Yoooo I AM SO SORRY I SAID I WAS GONNA POST EARLY. I had the chapter mostly done but it felt very boring so I basically rewrote most of the chapter. I might take longer than usual for the next chapter cause I have no Idea what to write next... Also, sorry if this chapter sucked.

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[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 5

[saportuh]

ok panic concert highlights

(plus some personal adventures)

this was the portland show on the 12th k

so it was a fuckin hour and a half drive bc where i fuckin live now is far away from everything i hate it anyway that sucked & i ran my phone down to 80 percent during said drive which proved problematic

we get there (me & my lil sis) & our dad drops us off & we run up & im bitching about how weird the fucking venue is (it’s normal, it’s just not what i’m used to - in vegas the venues were typically in the casino/resorts so you lined up inside the halls & sat against the walls & tourist-watched, in this venue u stood outside in a line???? ughhh)

so we approach the line & something happens, i’m gonna make a separate post about it because holy shit

befriended two excitable gay kids, maybe 8th or 9th grade?? & i was like woah i was u once. now im old & jaded. eugh. then they bailed on me so.

we got into the arena & were on the wrong fucking side so we had to JOG all the way AROUND THE WHOLE FUCKINGN PLACE UGH

THEN WE GOT IN & SAT IN THE WRONG SEATS so the guy next to me (dad w a thick accent, maybe ukranian?? it wasn’t russian but it was close) politely informed me & i was like fuck well until they get here we’ll stay, but i had anxiety so during an arizona song i pretended to go to the bathroom & came back to look for our actual seat, someone took it so i pussied out & went back, had hella anxiety about it, then before hayley the ppl showed up so we had to move & i had to kick some preps out of their seat & they called my lil sister a bitch ;-;

OK SO ONTO THE PERFORMERS

arizona was cute, gotta check them out... singer kept getting emotional & wiping his eyes, it was sweet, and he was hella feeling himself dancing & stuff lmaoo. idk em but im proud of them.

HAYLEYYYYYYYYYYY her dancing & drumming & outfit??? also all the lesbians/wlw getting crunk in the crowd was so damn good haha

ALSO shout out to hayley’s band, they were so cute??? the guitarist & her kept having moments & he seemed like a cool dude, & the girl on synths was so pretty omg??? & smiley i loved her. & the drummer, they were goin so hard i couldnt get a good look, but they had kewl hair

“if you don’t know anything about me, there’s one thing you should know: I LOVE GIRLS” there was so much gay energy at that show i was teary the whole damn time

k confession, i love everything about hayley but i find her voice a little grating on the ears, something about it, but it was super angelic live & didn’t bug me once, & wanna be missed fucked me up cuz it’s my fucking f a v

SHE DID THE DRUMMY IT WAS HOT 

her oufit was so damn iconic rlly tho, the pants & shoes totes fit her but wouldn't look good on anyone else, but that shirt, the hot dad look w the open v & all the jewelry, holy fuck that’s how im tryna be

during girls like girls, everyone had their lights out & there was a bunch of pride flags out, and i got this gorgeous shot of a gay pride flag illuminated by lights (i posted it)

most of the songs they played between the breaks were gay themed too which was powerful dude i was so damn emotional

then during the countdown to panic, they played the next episode by dre (the “smoke weed every day” song) & then africa by toto jsfndjfndjskfnjdk

THEN PANIC CAME OUT 

WHOLE ASS STRING & BRASS SECTION BDEN RLLY WENT THERE WOAH

KENNY & NICOLE WERE SO CUTE THE WHOLE TIME THEY KEPT GOOFING AROUND ESPECIALLY KENNY IT WAS ADORABLE

THEN BREB POPPED OUT THE DAMN FLOOR

ok several things about breb

one, i never was heavy into panic, but considering how obsessive i was into bandom a few years back, i still know a lot about early panic, livejournal shit, ryden bullshit, etc, so it was really weird being there with normies who were just like “he’s hot & sings good” when i was like “yall lucky fucks never heard of myrtle beach ” dsjfnjsdnfds

two, four years into panic & i never was attracted to brendon, but dude, EVERYONE fell in love with him at this show, myself included, & i was starin at this bitch ass motherfucker in a trance before i was like “wait ur a bastard STOP U ENDEARING DICKWAD” he was so fucking endearing it was ANNOYING cuz i’ve seen some of the shit he’s pulled damnit. srsly tho, so absolutely charming, wow.

three, and what stuck with me most; brendon loves what he does. a little bit of exhibitionism, i think; he likes ppl looking at & admiring him, he’s that type of person, a showman, but also, i think he just loves making music, people singing along to the music, etc. ive been to eight concerts now, and i don’t think i’ve seen someone who clearly loved being on stage so much. a lot of ppl act like it’s a chore to tour, but brendon clearly loves it, and it made me happy, especially as an aspiring musician. 

four, the straighties drooling over him and the gays drooling over him was truly straight/gay solidarity

ok what else happened... brendon would throw in random ass high notes towards the ends of songs... my sister looked at me super alarmed when he first did it during dtmwagt lmfao... ppl would cheer & it was impressive, but kinda piercing & i was like “show off” lol

HE DID THE ‘I MAKE THESE HIGH HEELS WORK’ thing, i thought he retired tht?? so i was pleased lmfao

i dont rmr anything that stands out about ready to go or la devotee but the lights & backgrounds during them were very pretty & i got some good pics of brebbois face (i finally got semi decent quality pics im rlly happy abt tht, concerts r so hard to photograph)

hallelujah was cool cuz there were, like, those catholic(?) church windows projected on the top part of the stage, it was pretty af, they rlly outdid themselves with the visuals

and mona lisa had like pipes & industrial stuff?? idk it looked dope, and it contrasted rlly cool it was super pretty

nine in the afternoon,,,, the only pretty odd song... i dont even like pretty odd but it was like,,, damn. & he had the piano, total live in denver vibes ;-; but he wasnt dripping sweat this time lmao

golden days, brebweenie knows hes hot, kept winking & doing mic flips & shit & i was like u fucken weenie ive seen that pic of u w a bowl cut in a bra, die

k he’s a fuckin bastard but hhe’s pretty & talented fuckin big ego bitch ... can yall tell i hav a lovehate relationship w him bc i do

I GOT THIS ONE PART ON VIDEO DURING GOLDEN DAYS WHERE KENNY & NICOLE R FUCKING AROUND & MAKING FACES & GOOFING IT’S SO CUTE

during casual affair in the chorus, the mic would echo each word (just lay (lay) in the atmosphere (sphere) & the ‘lay’ was rlly good on my ears idk sometimes certain vocal notes sound GOOD & that was one i keep replaying it

SO VEGAS LIGHTS as yall kno i was born & raised in vegas & a vegasfucker69 it’s my fucking home i moved last november (not my choice) & miss it violently & i was CRYING during vegas lights hard & it was so beautiful im gonna watch the video i got over & over & over that song means so much to me IM SO FUCKING HOMESICK

speaking of which, im pretty bitter i didnt see panic in vegas, this was my first panic show & that kinda bothers me, like i should’ve seen them in vegas a few yrs ago but it never worked out.... still, im grateful i saw them at all & im glad i saw the song live. i had my fob snapback on too, it says ‘las vegas’ on it cuz i got it there haha, wore that on purpose

he did the fucking running man thing towards the end & everyone cheered & i was like dONT ENABLE HIM

sat down during dancing’s not a crime cuz im a bitch who doesn’t like half the new record & also my knees hurt cuz im old apparently, anyway this chick glared at me then sang every word wat a fuckin prep lmao

o yah i forgot, in golden days he got in the crowd & let a girl sing the last chorus it was amazing i bet that made her life

AND DURING DOAB HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD that was SO FUCKING ENDEARING i was like “wow what a guy” then i was like “HE’S A BITCH U KNOW HIM” & i was like “hmm??? what a guy” but omg he made so many people happy it was really beautiful & sweet & i was like... half in love & then i came to my senses jksjfhjsdhfkjsdn

RLLY THO HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD & HIGH FIVED PPL & SHIT & GAVE HUGS & TOOK ART/LETTERS IT WAS SO DAMN GOOD HE WAS SO SWEET & LEGIT EVERYONE WAS FALLING FOR HIM & I WAS LIKE SUFFERING

legit guys, like it’s weird i used to watch his parascopes in 2015 or w/e & he’d say some Bad shit on there sometimes, like ik he does some messy shit BUT HE ACTED SO FUCKING LOVELY BLEH

also he’s very short, like he’s 2 inches taller than me but he looked so little in the crowd i was like... aw

the piano thing ;-; it was rlly pretty but my paranoia & anxiety was off the charts i was like that things gonna fucking fall & crush the crowd it’s gonna fucking fALL but it didnt ofc but i was stressed bleghh

but ok on a positive note, that was soo fucken lovely, bden stopped to try to make eye contact with as many ppl in as many places of possible, like he made the effort to get to everyone & make them have a special moment & it was ... magical ok thts fucken cliche as shit but it rlly was

ok i did smth lowkey embarrassing, i doubt he saw, but when he faced towards us i was just overwhelmed w like.. gratitude?? ive had a bad 2 years in every way, so being somewhere filled with love & fun & kindness & joy & all around good vibes, i was so grateful? i just wanted to thank him for creating that kinda atmosphere. so i like,,, blew kisses but not in a weird way, like later i was like oh that was kinda weird whyd i do that, but at that moment i didnt use my head & it was jus my instinctual way of saying thank u idk it’s lame but it happened so there ya go idfk

fun fact, my vid of it is out of focus cuz i was so enamored watching him & watching the crowd react it was pretty fucking magical it rlly was

once he got down from that piano he went “wow i feel so fucking inspired now” & i was like “bitch me too tf” 

legit it was absolutely indescribable, even watching my vid now.... wow. and u can hear me lightly crying in the back of my video too lmao, and i was shaking p hard, it was so fucking magical. like im getting emotional rn cuz it was exactly what i needed to remind myself that there is good stuff in the world thats worth staying for. 

i never was super big on panic or breb like i said but if i ever meet him im gonna thank him bc that. wow. transformative.

also that transition from the piano cover he did to dying in la was smooth af. it was all around gorgeous.

OK GIRLS GIRLS BOYS, I WAS SO CONCERNED W FILMING I COULDNT PUT MY LIGHT ON (i had a red heart) BUT OMG

he got a bi flag first, then a rainbow one, then another rainbow one... one was those hayley ones lol, and one ended up on the stage out of his eyesight & he never saw it & i felt so bad fjdnfds

G-D ALL THE GAYS SINGING WAS SO EMOTIONAL & THE RAINBOW BEHIND THEM ON STAGE (AND PAN FLAG COLORS AT TIMES?!??!?!)) IT WAS FUCKING MAGICAL & BRENDON LET A FLAG DRIFT IN THE WIND FOR A SEC BEFORE HE PUT IT ON IT WAS GORGEOUS

AND ALL THE RAINBOW LIGHTS IN THE CROWD FUCK DUDE

breb might be a turd but he’s the only one of these emo dudes who parades around draped in flags & so aggressively empowers gay fans through it, and for that, i respect him. ik the song has more perverse origins but now it’s a bi anthem that rlly connects w lgbt fans & it’s rlly beautiful, AND i got another gorgeous shot of a pride flag surrounded by lights & im just. wow.

after, breb said “that is gorgeous btw” about the rainbow lights, and “thank u for participating in love” & giggled, i got this shot of the lights in the dark lookin incredible ;-;

also said “this a record number of flags tonight, very cool” so portland is rlly gay apparently, kewl

nicole doin the nicotine bass line slayed me dead wowie u can hear me go “WOO” on the vid lmfao (im a bassist so i lov her double)

ive seen miss jackson live twice now cuz at my monumentour show, new politics brought lolo out to cover it so that’s dope lmfao

anyway bden did the fuckin valley girl voice for “the scenery is so loud” which was delightful

he had us do the ‘ayyyy’ bit woo

NICOLES BASS,,, SPARKLY

drum thingy ;-; speaking of monumentour, andy & patrick famously did a drum off & i MISSED IT cuz the stage at my venue wasnt large enough to fit both sets ;-; so they didnt do it ;-; but bden doin his own drum solo kinda made up for it a little bit

fuckin show off tho he played like 3 instruments & i was like u bitch stop

there was some kinda audio sample that went “i got a fever & the only prescription is more caffeine(?)” & bden mouthed the words along, and some girl behind me went “SAME” 

UPDATE: googled it, i knew i recognized chris walken’s voice, he says cowbell not caffeine & it’s a skit from snl that i’ve SEEN im a disgrace anyway that was fun also woo cowbell

the big screen kept cutting from bden drumming to a shot of the crowd & someone holding a pride flag & i was like yah drumming is gay now

lmao i only filmed like a minute of a song unless i rlly liked it so i could spend the rest of the song gettin funky right?? & i like king of the clouds but not a ton, but i filmed the whole thing cuz the visuals were so pretty lmfaooo i jus was staring at them like wowwww prettyyyyy

during the ‘i dont feel anything at all’ he looked rlly sad & i couldnt tell if it was genuine or if he was goin for like a pouty look djfdsjfndjks then right after he winked so ig pouty thx breb

at some point he introduced nicole&kenny plus the strings & brass ppl as “his friends” it was sweet & he was like “these lovely ladies” about the strings & “these handsome men” about the brass & i was like WOO GAY RIGHTS

FIRE DURIN CRAZY EQUALS GENIUS. BOZ FLASHBACKS. FIRE ON MY FACE HUNDREDS OF FEET AWAY. FEAR. DONT LIKE FIRE. SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. KENNY WAS TOO CLOSE. FEAR.

a whole arena singing bohemian rhapsody 25+ years after freddie mercury’s death was Incredible, i dont believe in afterlives but if there is one i hope he was watching & enjoying & knowing his legacy was staying alive bc wow that was powerful

THE END WAS CRUNK AF HOLY SHIT BDEN GOT DOWN

i cant believe i remember the day emperors came out like,,,, jeez. so lit live tho

I HAVENT MENTIONED HIS SPARKLY SUIT YET. KING OF SPARKLY SUITS

BRENDON DOIN HIS HIGH NOTE BIT & THE STAGE LIGHTING UP FULLY ON FIRE FUCK DUDE

bitchden took his shirt off when he came out for the encore..... bitch

SINS,,, FUCK DUDE,,,, MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRYING HHYSTERICALLYYY, 

in the background of my vid u can hear me do the ‘ily’ ‘ily’ from the mv emo ass

my lil sis got fucken turnt to sins lmfaooo??? danced her ass off???

us: W H O R E bden: ily

VIOLINISTS GETTIN WILD TOO

they played footage of the music vid & breb & his fuckin iconic outfit & i was a lil emo kid again omg i cant believe i saw it live

he did funny voice durin calls for a toast nerd ... least he’s not entirely bitter abt songs ryan wrote anymore tho lmao... or maybe he is considering theres only two on the 30 song setlist ;-;

i gotta listen to afycso again damn it’s so iconic

oh yah at some bit he said “ive been doing this for 14 years, im 31 now” & it reminded me like.. most of these emo bands, they started so young. & got successful at such a young age. it’s so crazy. idk. wow. 

he got growly during the chorus, that’s pstump’s thing beeb dont steal it lmao

CONFETTI fitting ending, & i got him walking off which is cool, other bands it goes dark & they just kinda disappear & it’s unsatisfying ;-;

so yah i finally saw breadman live, i got 400 pics and 30 videos so that all got spam posted over the last few days lmao

[donatellalejandra]

Tw: Su!¢!d&, trauma, abuse of power, depression, self loathing.

(Let me preface this whole thing with a reassuring piece of info: I am seeing a therapist now, and I am medicated. These written out things are how I parse out my thoughts on my neuroses, their origins, and how they affect me, and how it differs from what's happening in reality.)

I love the fact that I deactivated my main twitter account. There's something freeing about it, even though I still have the SWer post rotation twitter, and the private Twitter, but I rarely use them now, and literally only use them to stay in contact with a few trusted people. It sucks to leave everyone like that all of the sudden, but I was using the account on main for the wrong reasons. I'm hoping that if I write this out enough it will stick. More importantly, I hope if I write this out enough that maybe I'll find something else that is fucking me over.

We already got the hero complex, the trauma, the reason for wanting to die (and how to fight back against that), we got unforgiveness (and how forgiveness was too easy to give out to those who didn't deserve it), and we got the pressure of perfection with no actual teaching of how to be perfect.

I may have another one, and it has to do with my behaviour around doing things I want to do, and ONLY things I want to do. This may also attach to sticking to what I'm comfortable with, watching reruns of things I watched thousands of times (because I can't handle the pressure of new storylines, with new conflicts, that I WILL get invested in, and will fill my life with despair without knowing how it ends), and THAT is connected to how I literally find myself laying in bed with all of these thoughts, and nearly passing out (as some kind of reaction to these mounting disparaging thoughts) to stop the pressure from mounting anymore; like a literal fuse breaking, and you gotta go back to the box to reset it. Too much electricity used, too many disparaging thoughts.

I do what's comfortable, reliable, and familiar. And I do that because for a good 27 years I wasn't able to do that fully. I was stuck in a sort of "cone of vision" where I was allowed to do what I wanted, but within that "cone of vision". That vision was the vision of my parents, family, and their beliefs and expectations. It was much more traumatizing, and spirit breaking than I first realized. Religion, school, the home, the neighbourhoods, the people in power, the people with no qualms of using you/throwing you under the bus, and the expectations/assumptions people have, and force onto me all messed me the fuck up. If I wasn't hit physically, I was hit psychologically. Now that I'm on my own, away from all of it, the hurt sticks. It's like permanent trauma. And because I'm not within that "cone of vision" I feel like I can do anything I want now. And if ANYTHING stops me from doing what I want I get angry. Like I got out of 27 years of traumatic isolation, SINCE BIRTH, and now I get to be free, and if I don't get to do as I please, then I will do it out of spite, or do it because fuck you I've been through shit and I get to do whatever the fuck I want.

This is obviously not right. Exceptional past trauma does not just allow someone to do whatever they want once they are freed from that place of trauma. But the reaction of anger to obstacles of ones desires can be a normal response. Especially when that person started growing a sense of self, and self respect, boundaries, and a sense of what it means to know what they want out of life. When something gets in the way of that, the pride and self realization becomes hostile. It becomes, "Get out of my fucking way, I've waited too long to have this, and I'm going to have it now" or even, "I deserve better, I deserved so much better, and I'm going to fucking have what's better now, so get the fuck out of my fucking way."

The anger is definitely from a heightened vigilance to my will to do things being opposed. Any opposition to my actions feels like a personal attack in that sense, when really it's just a cup that just got tipped over by me while I wasn't paying attention to it. Any distraction from the actions I'm in the middle of doing feels like an attack. Like someone is slapping a sandwich out of my hands as Im taking a bite. Like someone interrupting me. It feels like you know you're doing this to stop me and piss me off, but in reality it couldn't be farther from the truth.

In reality things just happen that have nothing to do with me. People react that have nothing to do with me. No one is trying to stop me, or interrupt me on purpose. I did deserve better, but it doesn't mean I get to do absolutely anything I want to now. The anger may have an underlying emotion of sadness. A sadness that has to do with feeling like I never deserved the happiness, or all the things I like. Either I'm hating myself for not being good enough, or hating things around me for not allowing me to do what I want to do.

[thekintsukuroikid]

December 23 2017.

I never wanted to post these. I wasn’t going too.

It wasn’t until I saw the pictures of my family members did I realize I actually did capture something worth sharing, worth working on, worth feeling good about.

I’ve been on meds for awhile, been to therapy too. I’m starting to feel like I have the tools in my toolbox to start making some steps forward. I just don’t feel like I have the self belief to really go for it.

I’m tired, i’m frustrated and I’m finding it increasingly harder to rationalize this fight for myself. I remember being so excited when I moved away that finally I had the ability and the freedom to focus on myself, all of myself, especially my mental health. The commitment to do so has be fraught with setbacks and frustration.

The silver lining to which is the sheer immensity of kindness and love I’ve received from my friends. I question how I deserve it…obviously, and I am always wary of making sure our conversations aren't always about negative stuff. I don’t want to drag em down, or be a bummer.  I always believed the most insulting feeling in the world is being pitied. I’d rather be hated than pitied. Maybe i’m just being loved.

I always need external context, I never feel like I can start or finish or be without some sort of external form of permission, context, and sometimes motivation.

Whether is a girls number at the bar, or a degree on the wall I can never truly feel happy or connected to a moment, or an outcome unless I can work out how i’ve earned it. I almost never do.

What this means Is that I am often left floating, never really sure of myself in any given situation. Never really sure if what Im doing or experiencing is really building on a person or values as opposed to the consistent stringing together of just getting through the day.

Taking pictures is a hobby that feels safe to me, it feels worth pursuing. I think because deep down I have never felt like the main character of my own story, behind the lens I don’t have to be.

I named this blog after Kintsukuroi because I loved the meaning behind the art of fixing broken pottery with gold. I wanted to feel like I could do that for myself. Shine through my flaws. But even if I don’t, you can still fill the cracks with pyrite instead of gold and still hold water. Maybe that’s ok.

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See the key to enjoying family vacations is finding little moments of solitude, of respite where you slip out the back and escape for a few hours armed with a bluetooth speaker and a book that wasn’t assigned reading.  

 -I found a beach chair on the very edge of the resort property, a small wooden fence and a small one person security shack all that separated me from the public beach area filled with local kids splashing and yelling.  

- I played something slow and looked out into ocean and came up with as many lame water metaphors as one could presumably concoct under the circumstances of time and a mild hangover. - I present them here:

  See I preface all of this by saying writing all flowerying and poetic like this is like eating buffallo wings really fast, like it tastes good but is always accompanied with the heartburn of being this self indulgent. It just kinda feels douchey haha.  Ah fuck it lets go. Maybe self indulgent is the point?  When else can you be self indulgent right? 

How do I explain the fear of wondering if I wasted my best years simultaneously treading water, and never actually getting wet. How do I reconcile that? Am I gonna be in my late 30s wondering what its like to feel smart enough, or hot enough or good enough. That seems like it could suck, I mean it sucks now, what happens when it also feels like I’ve run out of time?

Speaking of water...

--

Sabrina Benaim said that Depression is turning lonely into busy.

and I am always busy.

She said that  

“Depression is sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness, I cannot baptise myself”

- I get that. You see it all around, potential everywhere, happiness so close it seems within reach and everyone around you thinks so too, yet you can't submerge yourself in it. You just drift along, walking on the water that is happiness and not being able to get yourself soaked in it. Always staying dry.

-  Maybe in my own metaphor if depression is the actual water?

- I wonder if Happiness is instead the sky you look up to when you’re treading water, concocting dreams of rescue helicoptors or philanthropic Pterodactyls swooping down to save you from your lack of cardio.

-I’ve tried to learn more about treading water by watching people who know how to swim really really well.

Google defines the Rapture of the Deep as an incapacitation that occurs when you dive too deep into the ocean, and no longer know what way is up. It can happen even if you learn how to swim really really well. One way or another some people just sink.

...and some people just take themselves way to seriously...I wonder if thats me?

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January 20th 2018 

AN ADENDUM 

I am  not afraid of the dark. 

Night time makes snack food taste better.

Depression is a slowdance lit ever so romantically by the light of the street light by my window. the glow of the 3:00am on the clock backlighting my stirrings, as a defiance against the convention of normal sleep patterns that’d  make even my teenage angst say dude chill…take a nap.

- I envy people. 

Not because I want some material thing they have, or some accomplishment. -

- I’m jealous of people who’s ears don’t constantly ring with self doubt. I always felt like I wanted to be a producer instead of just a consumer. But I’ve never had the self belief to stand by what I make...or just make. You know how people play hard to get? I feel like I play hard to want. Like all the time. Trying to be happy means sometimes trying to hard and that is annoying as shit. 

 I cannot for the life of me understand how people can just, be. 

I cannot understand how people can get through the day with more hope beyond just getting through the day. I’d give one eye just to have the other see through that lens. 

I cannot understand for the life of me how people know what to do, like ok you’re a therapist how did you know you wouldn’t be the worlds best advertising agent, or a poet or a spot welder? how do these other options not keep you up at night?

- How many people actually try Luge, like what if there is the worlds best Luger (sp?)  and he’s instead stuck in the accounting department fantasizing about  how to ask out the intern in accounts receivable? He could be fucking Luging bro.  

What I’m saying is I cannot understand how people know who to be friends with, or where to live, or who to marry? What if a more compatible partner is out there but she lives in Nicaragua...Fuck dude you gotta go to Nicaragua maybe! maybe the beauty is that out of 7 billion people, out of a million decisions, and happen stances, out of a million one in a millions, you found each other. Maybe thats worth something too? The grass is greener where you water it and all that but how do you know you should be planting grass and not palm trees....or Weed?

How do you know what parts of the tree to prune, what parts can you cut to make it grow and what parts will kill the tree?

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I do try my best, see thats the frustrating part I think. I've tried. I tried to be patient too, To not get ahead of myself. or try to feel like im entitled to feel better just because im trying too.

This has been the most open I've ever been with the people in my life bar my family. Not a single person i've told has reacted with anything other than a reaction of love and care.  No matter how I try I can't feel like I deserve it.  I’m so scared of opening up too much, and stifling how much and how long I talk about the bad days, I lie about how many good days im having because I don't want this to be a burden for them.  I don't want to get left behind because when im alone this thing starts getting the better of me. This is all a bad mix of feeling like I have the most to lose and feeling like I have the least amount of resources i’ve ever had to not lose them.

So much has changed and yet, it still feels like I have nothing to show for any of this. 

I read somewhere once that possession is the enemy of love. 

That you kill a flower by picking it. Instead of watering it where its rooted.  

-

Maybe more patience is required, it’d just be nice for a sign that somethings sprouted, that i’m doing the right things to bring forth an eventuality that this chapter of my life will be over.  I just wonder when perseverance ends and delusion begins?

--

I went into my brothers room to give put back a book. I found his sticky notes plastered all over his desk with like meditative buzz word, he's got books on history of architecture and james baldwin and eckhart tolle with the bookmarks well into them. He's starting his own creative company, hes filled out an application for the NYT. he's doing freelance work. hes already killing it with his company and in school. He is an awesome photographer,  he's a fashion whiz. he's a veritable genius. and I can't get out of bed.  I walked 3 steps out the door today, said nope, and went to bed. I went to bed at midnight last night and didn’t leave my room until 4pm.  Im not saying this in a jealous way or in away that harbours any negativity towards him. I love my brother, even if we are never going to be on the terms I hoped we’d be. To be honest I'm not really interested in the things he's into so him being good at those things don't take anything away from me. Its just insane to me how far behind I feel. I can't even basically function and he's taking on the world. If he were where I am, the world would be robbed of so much of the things he can do. I just feel like i'm robbing myself of what I could maybe do too. and It used to be a thing where If I saw somebody getting theirs, id be like aight I gotta go get mine too and id be motivated and it'd give me a boost. Because I believed in my better. I believed I had more to give.  now I just, I can't  envision any of that for myself. I don't even know what it looks like anymore.

I know that isn’t a fair comparison, I know he’s healthy and I’m not, I know comparison is the thief of joy.

It’s just, I started this whole getting healthy thing to start feeling more like myself. To start  to answer the questions about what I could do if depression  wasn’t at the forefront of every endeavour I chose to undertake, every thought that crossed my mind and every relationship I established. The fact is I feel no closer to answering that question. None. I feel farther than ever. I am the product of such wonderful privledge, to waste those gifts on a disease so self centred and indulgent seems ridiculous to me, yet here I am.

-

I have people walking with me now on this whimsical mental health adventure I’m on. Which is weird, because for the first time I’ve had to be cognizant of where my arms flail, or how much room I take up on the sidewalk. We walk together lock step, looking at that straight lined horizon, for something to eagerly burst its linearity and meet us more than half way.

While I appreciate the company it’s come with the added fear of what will happen if and when I have to stop, to stumble, to catch my breath, and for the sake of time, they keep walking. Until I can’t see them. Until the horizon is no longer something to move forward too. No north star to guide me home. 

See gratitude is anxiety. 

Always wondering how you’ve earned the luxury of a second to breathe, to use that moment to appreciate. 

 Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

[survivorsentinelislands]

EPISODE 1: I REALLY REALLY HATE BEING MEAN, BUT... ~Daisy

Me, before the cast reveal: I'm going to win, know that

Me now, seeing Sam is here: She's going to kill me again

This One World twist is fairly interesting at the start. I know Nehe, and Coffey was in my first Tumblr game, so there are people I am familiar with here. Those small bonds can help a lot in this game.

But holy hell is this snake annoying. I have a decently high reaction time. The game does not react fast enough for what I want to do with it. I only ever hit the wall despite knowing I pressed up way before it hit the wall. That's my luck though, isn't it? You also only get +1 when the wheel stops which is just a pain in everyone's asses.

I'm making a mental note to make a lot of confessionals, going for that 5 visibility baby!

Walking out onto this beach I am ready to experience a game i expect to be amazing. The last time I played a org I think I was a little too open. I shared more than I needed and I made people feel like it was my way or the high way. This time around it's new people. I have to play the social game but laying low at the same time. This first challenge points out the comp beasts from those who will most likely lack in challenges. When it comes to flash games I suck but I don't need a bad first impression off the bat. Tonight I'll talk to everyone before tribes are established and just try to be a good sport and make people like Nehemiah and want to work with him.

First confessional of the season!

So, we're placed in a One World chat. Now i've never played a One World survivor org before so I'm not sure if we're going to stay in here the whole game or until we officially get split into tribes. I hope it's not One World the whole game, I have enough trouble keeping up with one tribe let alone the whole game.

After reading through all the bios of the other contestants it dawned on me that I'm the oldest player in the game. Yes, at 22 years of age I am the oldest person in the game (maybe, three of us are 22 but still). Only four people in the whole game are above 20 years of age. Oldies alliance maybe? We shall see. There's even someone who's only 13 years old! Yikes, almost 10 years younger than me! (Also STEVEN, you took my Mari avatar, darn you.)

DAISY and DARIAN are so far the only two people I've had actual conversations with. They're both pretty nice.

And then we get to NEHE. I know NEHE from a previous ORG and while we did work together there, I don't know if I want to work with him here. He has a penchant for making things unpredictable and crazy and I just don't know if I want to deal with that again. Ideally, he would be placed on the other tribe. And ideally he would be voted out before the merge or a swap. It would just be easier on me that way.

Going into this game, I want to play a flashier more strategic heavy game than I did in my first org, Myanmar. I want to make big moves and if I can, play the role of the villain. To quote the infamous Abi-Maria Gomes "Villains have more fun"

Salty

HIYA XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Its josh and here i am for my first confessional im gonna try to do a lot better with confessionals then i did my first game LOL anyways i haven't talked a whole lot this season cause im lowkey waiting til we get on tribes but thats tht also i like cats KK BYE XXXXXXXXXX

I *CLAP EMOJI* AM *CLAP EMOJI* COMING *CLAP EMOJI* FOR *CLAP EMOJI* DARIAN *CLAP EMOJI* FUCKING *CLAP EMOJI* GOGGIN.

WATCH YOUR BACK, YOU SNAKE BITCH. CALL ME A FAILURE? I'LL MAKE YOU A FLOP.

Hello! I don't remember if I have made a confessional for this game yet. I am happy about this game because I know quite a few members of the cast! I just hope that I can make it to the same tribe as some of them lol. Also I am not a fan of snake...

1 Word to describe this tribe: Ugly

Number of people you actually like on this tribe: 1

Number of people who still haven't added you back: 2

Number of people you like on the other tribe: literally all of them

On a scale of 1-10, how much would you rather be on the other tribe? 12

I hate this tribe and now I hate this game and we better just win a bunch of immunities so I don't have to actually socialize.

Last night I did what I could with bonding (or more so having communications with people). Coming into the game I knew Keegan, Steven and Alex already prior. Those 3 were the obvious instant connections I needed to reach out to. Others I talked to happen to be Josh, Sara, Logan, Darrian and John. Oh how I love John and Logan. I get vibes and good ones from them that I want to build off of. Possibly an alliance who knows. One thing I learned from my first Org is to not play so hard. I got into huge trouble with my tribe mates that I wasn't aware of because I was egotistical and controlling. This game I want to be used and useful. I am now Nicobar tribe and I want to show them that I'm useful. I'm still gonna talk to my entire tribe and make them like me. If we loose a challenge I don't want them feeling like we got to get rid of Nehe. I want to be useful. Not gonna help so much in this upcoming reward challenge just for the fact that trying to control what our flag looks like will put a bad target on me. I gave my ideas and we'll see what happens.

My Tribe Opinions:

Alex: I played a Skype game with Alex before and tbqh I don't remember shit from it. Just that I went farther than him. I think it was the Challenge. I like him but I can feel he's a player and I want to get on the good side of that player before lines become drawn.

Daisy: I didn't get the chance to speak with Ms. Daisy on night one but day 2 we hit it off. Maybe not the most beneficial conversation but I gotta find something to commute with her on. I like her and she doesn't give me the gamer vibe but the social vibe. So socializing with her may be good for me.

John- UGH I love John. Like literally anyone else to be an ally with can go through a test of some sort cause I want John and I want John now. Something about him just screams yes to me. So I'm gonna work for an alliance with that guy.

Josh- The convo with Josh didn't pick up much last night but we can chat and further that up. I don't know how I feel about Josh. Maybe alliance maybe not. I can myself voting out Josh.

Logan- Love Logan too. Logan seems to be a player but one I can align with. I just have to watch how I act to people like that. Thats where I get myself in trouble. Im a player at heart and when I meet another player I like let my ideas spew out and they hold it against me. Cue my blindside in my first org.

Sara- Our convo as of now is Hi, Hi......Yeah not seeing myself building anything with her. But not gonna stop. Why give someone a reason to vote me off.

Stevie- Just started like JUST started talking to Stevie and I am in love. We have the same interests and like our conversations is heating up with how much we are alike. I think this conversations speaks for itself in which we will align.

Steven- I knew Steven from many Skype games. Like many Skype games. We have this joke where when we see each other we scream each others names. I don't want o necessarily work with him cause I know he's a player but like it;s nice to know I have someone who i could possibly manipulate.

All in All I like my tribe and we'll see how we fit in challenges. Till then I will talk to my baes. Josh, Logan and Stevie.

I did the challenge late last night and sent in a random time. I didn't know that these people would have been that bad at snake for me to come in second place after only playing it maybe ten times. Wowzers.

But I got this cute little statue that's being referred to as Sentinelese Blood Oath, or I'll just call it my ticket back into this game, which is what it does. I know the other person from the opposing tribe has this too, so this is just a bit of information that is pretty fun to have. I can rejoin the game if I beat someone in a challenge and judging by how snake went I'm feeling pretty confident. My hope is to not have to use it. While it's great to get back in the game, my game gets severely tarnished by having to return after being voted out. So my hope is not have to use it, but it's nice to have this sort of back up, where if things go wrong I can go right back into the game and try to screw someone over.

This challenge is a ton of fun too. I love graphic designing, and I've made a pretty bomb ass flag for my team. I've gotten on their good side, which is fantastic. If we win it's even better. In my life I either want to be a music teacher, an ESL, or a graphic designer. (YouTube is on the backburner until I can get some video editing program). That being said, it's nice to know that things I do for fun can help out in this game.

For alliances, I'm becoming fond of Nehe and Coffey. Josh is a fun addition too. Those three are probably the ones I'm most comfortable with, but it's too early to start things in my opinion. It'll form eventually, just not right away.

We're officially split into tribes! No more One World! I'm so happy for that, I can finally keep up with who's all around me. As far as first impressions go, I haven't really talked a whole lot with everyone but:

SAM: She's pretty awesome. We're similar in age, she's a graduate student and I just finished undergrad. Plus she seems pretty into the game which is a good thing. I'd definitely consider an alliance with her

DARIAN: He's okay. We've talked a bit but it hasn't gone anywhere. I don't dislike him. He's also been pretty helpful with the first challenge.

BRANDON: No thanks. Awkward "conversations" and I feel like we have nothing in common.

CARSON: tbh i don't see myself ever working with him. Unless it's a necessity.

ELENA: She hasn't even accepted my friend request so...

NED: Seems pretty cool, I'll have to talk to him more to get a better impression

ELIJAH: He likes togepi.

MATT: I gotta get talking to him more, I think we'll get along really well.

I think that's everyone. Not a whole lot to say actually. I guess it's only been a day since the game began and a few hours since we were divided into tribes. I'm interested to see how these people play when it comes down to tribal time.

I'm iconic so stfu

Ashley told me not to put my last name. So I won't.

I really like this tribe. I've got some people I LOVE and some that I can build new connections with! And our tribe flag is awesome!!! I hope this goes well!

Alright let me set something straight. I do graphic designing as a hobby. It's my favorite freaking thing to do in this world next to playing survivor ORGs like it's my life.

Benjamin, I'm surprised you and your horrid opinions got 5th place in this series. Who are you to give the flag I made a four in Effort, where you give the other tribe a seven? What the actual fuck? I put a texture. I put different handwriting. I overlaid those fucking candles AND added a border around them so they'd be layered and look pretty as FUCK.

Those Elephants were the cutest thing in existence. I made that cute design of the lines by myself. Let's be real, aside from picking the fonts I made the entire flag. And for you to give it an effort of four, a creativity of five, and a six for visual appeal is absurd. You my friend are now on my shit list for the remainder of this game.

Also, "Sorry guys but it’s a little sad." Who the fuck are you? "However, it looks just like the buff with little to no change" shall I direct you to:

http://wwwimage.cbsstatic.com/base/files/styles/596xh/public/101917_d01507.jpg and http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/survivor/images/4/4b/Gota_Buff.PNG/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/150?cb=20130201071144

OR http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/survivor/images/6/6d/Luzon-flag.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20140227215029 and http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/survivor/images/9/97/Luzongreenbrain.png/revision/latest?cb=20140123212853

The tribe flags are SUPPOSED to match the buffs in a way ya twat. The Indian elements from the design are BECAUSE the location is in freaking India! What else am I supposed to do? I know that what I made was the cutest shit since the Power Puff Girls. Your opinions are bad, and you should feel bad.

well well well! im here!

and i have this cute lil vote canceller with me!

im sitting pretty, but i gotta get to talking bc im not going home first

Ok. Well. That just happened. The hosts posted in the chat about searching in the woods for advantages and what not. So i was like, ok... I'm down. I have the luck of a dead animal but maybe ill get close lol. Well, I got close, and than i got closer, and closer. AND THAN I FOUND THE IDOL. FIRST TRY BITCHES. hahahah This is sooooooo awesome. Just what i needed to keep my footing in this game for a while. I can't wait to share all this good news with elena! She's going to freak the fuck out. Like!!!! She has her advantage and now I have mine <3<3

:::Quick Catch Up:::

So as of now this is Day 4 on the island and I think everything is going alright. On Day 3 I kinda didn't speak to anyone as I was not in a good space mental wise. Day 4 was the day I needed to build up on the conversations I had from days 1-2. Basically every conversation I have with someone is a conversation that shows I'm a least trying to get to know you and form a bond with you. That't the impression I want to leave on people. "Nehe seems cool and interesting to work with". Today Alex approached me about possible forming an alliance and obviously the gamer of me is like "fuck yes I'm golden". But i can't think that. My first org I was so confident that I was playing a good game and I got cocky. I told Alex I would love to align with him and he asked me who gravitated to me social wise. I told him John and Logan and he told me John and Josh before mentioning that having at least 5 people so if we loose immunity. So that 5 is possibly gonna be the alliance though I actually favor Stevie more over Josh. Today is the immunity challenge in which I fucking hate flash games. One thing about me is that I suck horribly at flash games so the fact this is the first immunity challenge sorta pisses me off. I tolerated Snake game but now i gotta do 1/3 of these comps which I settle for the stackers cause it's the easiest.

:::If We Loose:::

This goes safe to say that the first person gone from the Nicobar tribe is gonna be Steven. Or at least that legit is gonna be my vote. Steven makes no effort to talk to anyone or seem like he gives a shit about this game. So easy vote. All anyone has to do really is say his name and I don't see anyone campaigning to keep him. Because I was adventurous I decided to explore the forest and I got a punishment for doing so. I received an auto self-vote against myself at my first tribal which I hope happens soon tbh so I don't gotta worry about it getting used against me. I was instructed that I can tell someone or keep it to myself and one thing Nehe learned from his first org is if it's not important keep it to yourself. So this is gonna be a little secret :). I spent a hour and 30 minutes on call with Mr. John Coffey confirming an alliance with him. We agreed kinda to duo it out but not let anyone pick up on it. He voiced his concern about Stevie and Logan playing the game before together as well as not knowing where he stood with Alex who he had played with before. I don't wanna be cocky but for now I think I'm in a good spot with Logan, Stevie, Alex, and John and I will be soon making a proposition to align with both Logan and Stevie in the upcoming days.

:::Reward Results:::

I kinda am disappointed that the judges had no taste what so ever. One said we didn't have effort yet I know they bitch asses saw that texture and complexity of the flag. See the other tribe decided to do an art work while we decided to do what was tasked and build a fucking FLAG. I don't necessarily we lost what the prize for the reward was but I'm pretty sure there was an idol in that feast even tho they said there was no Tyler Perry idol. I don't know what that means by the way lol. I just personally feel our flag was an amazing and deserved better judging. But you can't win them all.

I talked to John for roughly twenty minutes about a game plan. It was going swimmingly. Right after we finish Daisy messages me saying "hey, want an alliance with me and Logan?" I'm not going to deny an alliance so of course I say yes. But she wants to bring with Josh or Sara. Neither of those people were anyone I planned on working with. Nehe and John are the ones I'm rooting for but it's also crazy as hell. I'm telling John as soon as he calls me on Skype, but the fact of the matter is that I am now caught in the middle. Since they're forming it really quick. Daisy even said she didn't know Sara that well but wanted her in. So it's looking to be a fairly destructive alliance that I'm not a fan of.

I'm so glad we won immunity whew!! I like this tribe so far and I'm getting really good vibes from john Coffey and Logan and those r probably the two people I want to work with most tbh

I feel like a held my part in challenge quite well being that I scored 4000 points more than Nicobars TOTAL score, I just don't even know who half these people are on my tribe so anyone of them can go tbqh except for Ned and Darian bc they're kings but I would have no problem backstabbing anyone honestly bc I love being messy.Why am I like this?

This is my first confessional!!

Forst impressions: the game has barely started and I have very few thoughts on what's happened so far. I'm mostly trying to socialize as much as I can.

I spoke with Logan, and they were interested in creating an alliance. I asked who else we should include, I had been thinking Alex. Logan agreed and suggested Josh, but I don't think he's even responded to being asked to be in the alliance. He should want to be in it though, we da best.

When we were on one world I spoke with Keegan and made a little connection there. Hopefully they survive to a swap or merge. We talked about how we both used to play Tumblr/Forum RPGs, it was a beautiful bonding moment.

On a more negative note, I really really hate being mean, but I feel like John is probably going to be voted out early, or at least should be. He did like really bad in the first challenge that determined which tribes we got put on, and he mentioned being the first voted out in another season so I'm worried he might not be a strong player?? idk John please don't hate me when you see this <3

Also the challenges have been fun so far!!

bye!

***(four minutes later)***

I was just told that John Coffey is very famous in tumblr survivor. I'm sorry please don't hate me

We lost immunity! That fucking sucks! Carson and Matt could not figure out level 27 of super stacker and that makes me so mad. I finished the whole game in like 2 hours maybe and I had to go back and redo multiple levels to show them and was watching a movie fhslafksf if they had asked for more help or something or tried harder maybe we could have won so like that fucking sucks!

I REALLY like Keegan! He's my favorite on this tribe and then there's Ned who I feel like I haven't talked to at all but I also think we haven't talked because we're just automatically like 'yup we're working together.' I'm just hoping we can get the numbers because I haven't actually talked to too many people so hopefully I won't be first boot.

this frog tied me up and im SO HAPPY

like i was so scared about tribal bc ive talked to literally ZERO people, and now im SAFE!!!!!!! ahhhhhhh this is so lit im so happy.

with my vote canceller, im like.... im just AHH

What an eventful time we've had! First, we win the reward challenge and got some food. Presumably there was an idol clue or something hidden in one of the food items but alas it wasn't in my Kit Kat wrapper.

SAM and I have been talking a fair bit and we've decided to work together. Which is fantastic. I trust her enough and we both seem to be on the same page about where the tribe needs to go. We want active, invested players in the game.

Which leads into the immunity challenge, which we lost by only a small margin. It's a little frustrating, especially since it was so close. I've never won a first immunity challenge, RIP me.

SAM and I discussed the vote a little bit, deciding we needed to talk to NED, ELIJAH and BRANDON. They're all decently active and we both get good vibes from all three.

I hadn't told anyone but my vote was leaning towards CARSON. He hasn't really been around much and hasn't done great in the challenges. He also hasn't spoken a single word to me so I'd have no issue writing his name down, except...

CARSON got lost in the forest and is going to be absent from tribal. DUN DUN DUN. He's safe but also won't be present for any strategy around camp. That's good and bad for him. Good because he might have been the first voted off. Bad because he's losing valuable time to make bonds with people.

Speaking of the forest, I found a VOTE DOUBLER in the forest! I get two votes instead of one at any point up to the final 5! Hallelujah! Hopefully I can save it until after the merge but we'll see how things go up until then. My only hope is I can play it properly.

Going forward, I'm going to try to rally SAM, NED, BRANDON and ELIJAH into voting together. It doesn't matter which of the other three we target, as long as the five of us work together we're golden. If I can bring MATT into the fold that gives us six votes against either ELENA or DARIAN.

Here's to hoping this planning pans out and I'm not the surprise first boot.

So, we lost this immunity challenge. At this point, my main ally is Sam, primarily because I know her from Bangladesh. I would love to work with her and be a duo, and I hope she's on the same page. I have NO idea what the tribe is thinking as to whom they'll vote out, but people are telling me that nobody's talking. Either they're being honest, or I'm being left out of something big. In a perfect world, I'd like to see Matt or Elena go home, just because we haven't talked, but who knows what'll happen. This could be the first time I'm first boot.

If everything goes as planned:

SAM, NED, DARIAN and myself are a close group of four. 4 for $4. We've talked with ELIJAH and BRANDON and the six of us are voting MATT. As far as I know, MATT hasn't really talked with anyone about the vote so hopefully he's gone and i'm safe.

ELENA is a bit of a mystery to me. She hasn't responded to my messages so I don't know what's going on with her. Unless her and MATT are working together and voting me. The worst that can happen in that situation is a tie.

I'm hoping this vote goes smoothly and MATT is voted off in a 6-2 or maybe even a 7-1 vote.

KK SO THIS IS SUPER LATE BUT ANYWAYS I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR DOING WELL IN THE CHALLENGE AND WINNING LIKE I DID NOT SPEND TWO HOURS PLAYING BUBBLE SHOOTER TO LOSE YOU FEEL ME?????? Also i need to socialize more but honestly i am having a hard time connecting with people Sad react KK BYE XO

Hey! I'm excited to be in another game and I'm gonna try my best not to get medevaced or sleep through any challenges this season. No promises though cus unexpected naps have been my thing lately.

I'm glad that I don't know very many people in this game.

I've met Sam and Stevie and played multiple games with them. Idk how Stevie feels about playing with me but I love Sam and would be down to work with her. It's always a pleasure.

Darian and I had a messy experience in fans vs first boots together. He made about 3 different alliances within the first 30 minutes of our tribe swap. It ended in me voting him out after Danny Gluck went off on him in the tribe chat and declaring immediate tribal. Darian disliked me for a long time but we have been talking a bit and he seems cool with me so we'll see what happens

I played with Alex in Malaysia and immediately we have seemed to pair up this season. He says he's my final 2 and he's mine as well. I just hope playing with him doesn't turn out as messy as it did the first time.

As it's been one world I've been talking with Elijah, and though he wasn't on my tribe I really like him.

So onto our tribe so far. We just won the first challenge! I spent so long playing that dumb shape game and I never want to see a fucking smiling polygon in my life.

I have been talking a lot with Nehe. We had a call and basically decided that the two of us and Alex would be a pretty good trio and we could just ride it out. 5 will make majority when we eventually do vote.

Daisy and I have talked a bit and bonded over queen Marina and the Diamonds

I like Logan

Steven has not answered my two attempts at talking to him I fear being rejected a third time

Stevie and I hvent talked much game yet but I think I'm open to working with him

Josh and I haven't talked all that much but I like him

I really like talking to Sara, she's probably one of my favorites other than Alex and Nehe

I went on call with Alex and we talked about solidifying our alliance with Nehe, and apparently right after that call, Daisy added Alex to an alliance with Logan and Josh. Thanks for the invite girl! Idk what's going on with that but stay tuned folks

So yea that's all for now :p bai

[boyitspasturbedtime]

i’m procrastinating

i am avoid work right now, yes. kudo the kid dropped a song. i’ve been listening on repeat. i am. i am. people ask me how i am. i say “i am” they look at me. they are expecting me to go on. i don’t go on. i hold the suspension. i am... they look, and they laugh. “i am?” chuckle chuckle. “yup” i make eye contact so they know i’m being serious. fuck group thinking. have your own opinions. have reasons for your opinions. i don’t care about how other people view me. but i like being nice. i like saying hi. i like trying to talk to someoneone and see things from their perspective. it’s completely knew. every view they have was reach a different way. they are so special and i want to know why they are special. i want to write about them. what is reputation? i don’t think people can think the same way. i don’t think anyone can have the same exact thought. there are different reasons. “are you a gryffindor?” “yeah, how could you tell?” “your shirt” ... i was wearing my red shirt. it has two yellow stripes. i don’t know how i got it. it just appeared in my closet one day. as with all of my clothes. i let them do their thang. i let people give me gifts. none of my clothing is actually my clothing. i don’t go and buy my own clothes. everyone else is so eager to do it for me. i might as well let them. you don’t get to choose what experiences you have, but you get to choose what you take away from them. i didn’t choose the clothes i have, but i choose which clothes to wear. yay that totally connects. im tired. i want to sleep. im stressed. i want to relieve that stress. im insecure about people reading what i write. that’s not true. i love when people read what i write. i love it sooo much. i love writing. i love making an impression. sometimes i think about my funeral. i think about how many people will attend. sometimes i think about dying. but what stops me is that i can’t die yet. i have to get more people at my funeral. i used to get stressed during track season. i would think about getting in a car crash so i didnt have to run. so i didn’t have to create. but i can’t do that to myself. i can’t limit myself from achieveing greatness. i can’t stop myself from winning. i am obesessed with winning. i want to win at everything. i want to succeed. i can’t stop winning. i can’t stop being me. that scares me. i am trapped in my mind. there is no way out. i can’t stop being me. i have to be me all day. every day. i have to do things i do. i can’t be anyone else. im not allowed to switch. it’s hard. i want a break. i want to be someone else for a while. i want to do what i want. fuck. im being me again. im writing. thats what i would do. what is something i wouldnt do. i need to do that. im not too big on one night stands. i need to do that now, just to do it. just to not be me. i need to experience it. like anal sex. try it and realize that you didn’t do the preparation. you are way to big for that hole. you don’t like the smell. hey, you did it. now you know that your penis hurts if you try that. and it smells like shit. zamn. sex. i havent done that thing. i have this thought that one day, im just going to have it nonstop. like, i don’t see it in my near future, but hey, i see it. “you look like a guy who would have a zippo lighter” “yeah, actually, i do” he was right. he made an assumption and it was correct. it didn’t hurt me. it didn’t compliment or insult me. it just was correct. is that bad? are all assumptions bad? is judging bad? i am constantly moving through life. i can’t stop the judgement that follows me. i have a cloud over my head of what people want me to be. i hav their biases. i have their facts. i have their opinions. i am stress. i guess so. i have power and i know it. i have looks. i know i look ways. i know people care about me. one of my professors emailed me to check up on me. it touched my heart. she cared about me. she wanted me to succeed. she helped me. all you have to do is ask. honest is the best policy. tell the truth. hatred is a misunderstanding. anger is when you can’t explain something. violence happens because it makes you feel good. it is an answer. it is a reaction. stop reacting and respond. use your brain. open yourself. write a fucking book. choose something. IT”S GUNNA SUCK. it will be so bad. it will be shit on a page. do it. poop it. let it happen. then ask for help, and you’ll get it. people want to help you. goddammit. can’t you see that by now? haven’t you been through enough? GOD DaMmiT. the best way to get a hug is to ask for a hug. im asking. will you give me a hug? please. im so lost. im scared. im confused. please hug me. tell me things are going to be better. hold me. take away my cold. make me warm. please. im surronded by the hate. im surrounded by torment. help me. let me help you. let me show you how great i am. who said that? mohammad ali. idk spelling. no one is going to read this, so it doesn’t matter anyway. im allowed to make as many mistakes as i want. there is no reprocussion. yay. i have opinions. i have strong opinions. i can’t see myself not taking a stance. i have to stand up for what i believe in. i have to try. i onlyhave one shot. i have to live with myself at the end of the day. i have to look in the mirror. i brush my teeth and i look into my eyes. these are the only eyes i was given. they are very unclear. blurry. i have terrible vision. go away. i can’t see me. you can’t see me. i have to see me. i can feel me. i need to dance. i need to wowk. ive been working all day, but i still need to work.i don’t have time. but i have to make time. i have to let myself write. i look forward to having free time. maybe i will write my book then. maybe ill get a draft. it doesn’t have to be long. i think i know what i want it to be about. i have to be a girl though. i have to pretend to be a girl. i have to say she when i would normally say he. i have to change who i am. ihave to grow into someone new. seana is going to be here this weekend. mike is happy. shit she’s coming TODAY. Mike has gotta be losing it right now. he is away from her all the time. how long until i actually do my work? how long until i can make an impact? i made david smile today. is that my purpose? if i can make one person smile, then i think im doing pretty well. if i can make onegood thing happen a day, then maybe i’ll offset all the turmoil ive caused. not everyone understands. not everyone overstands. fukc fuck. i like working with people. i like people. i need to find more people. i wanto to talk to people. hopefully, people want to talk to me. i am more the approacher. people don’t come to talk to me, so i go talk to people. i make the plans. i schedule because people wouldnt do it without me. just certain instances. i am the planner in most of my friend groups. most of my friends suck at planning, so i take over. one time i had a friend of mine plan something because he wanted to do something and i was indifferent. he asked me to plan. i said no. he failed miserably at doing the thing. he pleadedfor me to plan it for him. i planned it. it all worked out. you just gotta give people incentive. i guess im good at that. im good at getting a group of people into a room. im good at talking. im good at communicating. im good at procrastinating my homework by writing. i officicalljkanfjdnaly made a full cycle, so this thought must be complete. going to do homework now.