#maybe i'm just insane and need to take my meds and go to bed

[reuptakeinhibitor]

.

[lastoneout]

My blood clot pain has reached a weird point where it's kinda better as long as I don't use my hand for literally anything at all, but when it does flare it's straight up AGONY like a solid 7-8 on the pain scale and unfortunately it seems like this pain is no longer responding well to my current 5mg oxycodone, and like the last ER doctor I saw *tried* to prescribe me 7.5mg ones 'cuz she legit said 5mg probably wouldn't cut it, but my insurance straight up would not cover it and the cost without was $500(and that's with the best coupon I could find) and the ER doctor didn't have the time to put a prior auth through and just gave me the 5mg stuff(and I had to pay out of pocket for those too bcs my insurance would only cover a week's supply but they were at least only $40) so I guess my options are

1) go insane playing it as safe as possible not using my hand for anything and only taking the meds when I absolutely cannot stand the pain and pray I can hold out until I see my endovascular surgeon on friday

OR 2) go back to the ER and see if they can do the prior auth and pray my insurance will cover more than a weeks supply and also that the ER doesn't interpret this as drug seeking behavior and turn me down

I think what I am gonna do is again play it as safe as I can and try to only use the meds once a day if I can help it, and in the meantime call my insurance and see if they can give me a list if meds they do cover(tbh it's weird for oxy to cost this much, a similar supply for my dog was like $5 and I did talk to someone who works for my insurance the other day for a different reason and she also seemed shocked it wasn't covered and was so expensive) and hope that I can last until my follow up with my endovascular surgeon and double extra hope I'm either recovered a lot more by then or if I'm not that he'll have a plan to help resolve it faster or at least be willing to prescribe me one of the covered meds and do whatever prior auth is needed. Plus that way if the pain does get unbearable before then the list will help the ER give me something that will help better(if they are cool and don't assume this is drug seeking behavior).

This whole thing genuinely sucks so fucking bad, I'm in agony rn debating if I should take another pill before bed and risk building up even more of a resistance or try to thought it out to save my meds for if it somehow gets worse than this. I'm so fucking tired too I've avoiding my usual insomnia edibles AND my remaining ambien in case they react badly with the oxy and kill me in my sleep or something and that plus the agony mean's I'm not sleeping well and the agony is thus harder to deal with and my pressure headaches get worse cuz not sleeping us a major trigger and the cycle just spirals worse and worse, and I can't do anything fun in bed cuz I'd usually play video games and those require two hands and AOUHDGJKL I fucking HATE this!!!

Ima just try to tough it out and sleep and see where I'm at tomorrow and make that call regardless. Hopefully this doesn't drive me too insane and I can maybe sit at my desk, getting out of bed would do me some good atm. I need to feel normal for just one fucking day.

[mad-scientist-enthusiast]

"The Haunted Flesh Machine"

@plaguedghosts @iwrotesomeofitdown @notjustanyannie

Here is my slam poem. Thank you for the encouragement!

I'd like to preface this by saying it is a poem of my struggles and fears, and this should not be taken as the most mentally healthy or even correct writing.

CW: discussion of disordered eating, slight suicidal ideation, a little bit of internalized ableism

I’m losing my grip on reality. Each hour of the day slips from beneath my fingertips before I can even close my hand. 

My motor functions are so much slower these days. 

I walk through a persistent haze, going through the motions, but I am never present for them. My body acts on autopilot, but the battery is on low. 

I’m smart—I always have been—I’m an engineer for crying out loud—but I don’t think I can access that anymore. My intelligence is locked behind a firewall in my brain. 

Do you know how insane that is? Being unable to use your own mind? 

All my judgments are tinted because the brightness is turned down. I think my brain is in battery-saver mode. 

The fatigue is the worst because I can feel it all throughout my body. No amount of sleep seems to recharge me. I am perpetually tired and confused and dizzy and unaware. 

I’m sure my eating habits don’t help. I’m just putting water in my gas tank. No amount of Fanta Orange and Lucky Charms is going to make up for the entire sections of the food pyramid I am missing. I try to start my brain up, but water isn’t quite nearly as combustible, and I end up with no output. 

I want to be in control. I want my body to work. I don’t want my vision to get darker with every step I take. 

Another day, another near-emergency. My heart beats too fast, my blood pressure falls too low. Sometimes presyncope lasts for longer than it needs to. 

Sometimes I change colors like a chameleon on its deathbed. 

My code is flagging for errors, but I’m running it anyway. 

I think my computer is getting overheated. My face is hot to the touch. 

If this was the Victorian Era, my symptoms would be romanticized. There’s something poetic about wasting away. 

I fear that I’m getting weaker by the week. 

Another day, another new problem. Which diagnosis does it fit under? I’m too tired to make a spreadsheet, not that I could log it if I did. 

What month is it anyway? How many months have I been here? It seems like an eternity when I’m in pain, but time passes too quickly when I’m not. 

I haven’t taken my meds in a while. I’ve given up on them working. Neglect is also a form of control. 

I’m rotting inside. I’m rotting in my bed. I hardly leave my bed, but when was the last time I slept? 

Surely this will have no repercussions. 

I’m smart for a day, so my expectations are high, and as a result, my workload is too. I’m a workaholic on the days I’m present at all. 

That’s who they see when they look at me. They don’t see that I’m sick. They don’t connect the dots on the days I wear a little less makeup than usual. 

They don’t even bother to look. 

I’m fighting for control over my mind and my body, and they are none the wiser. 

If I were underweight, maybe they’d care a little. Maybe they’d treat me with a little more care. It’s easier to tell when something is wrong when you’re underweight. 

I could collapse in the middle of a busy street and no one would even give it a second glance. They might even walk over me, thinking I was part of the sidewalk. 

On the off chance they did see, what a shame it would be, for the one time I'm perceived, I lack bodily autonomy. 

Is it worth being noticed when you're unconscious? Is it worth it if the one time I am seen is when I have no control over whether my mouth is hanging open or my shirt is riding up? I've spent so long meticulously curating the way I look to others, just to be totally helpless when it matters. 

I can change my wallpaper but that doesn't make my phone work any better. And people don't see the wallpaper first, they see the cracks in the screen. 

Sometimes I am conscious but not responsive. I lie like a corpse, observing, but not interacting as they crowd around me. Observing as they look at me. 

They could not provide the help I need. 

They only see me when I'm outside my body—a freakshow display of my vulnerability. 

Maybe if I hit my head next time, I'll reboot. I could use a factory reset. 

I often think of what it would be like to have a better brain. I think mine is haunted. 

Do you have to be dead to be a spirit? 

My head is possessed by a ghost that lurks in my nerves tissue and flesh. I hear it wail whenever I move, mourning a loss I cannot understand. 

A restless spirit leads to a restless night, and each night I can't sleep I blame the ghost. 

I wish sleep could fix me. I'm so tired all the time. 

The ghost must be what powers my perpetual motion machine. Inertia isn’t enough. I keep going and going until eventually I explode. 

I don’t think I’ll make it to my 40’s. 

My body will break itself down until it can digest me, and I’ll eat myself like an ouroboros. 

I don’t want to die, I just want to rest. 

If I sleep for a good year, maybe I’ll feel human again. I would like to feel human again. 

I dream that one day I will collapse, and people will rush me to the hospital. There, the doctors will find out exactly what is wrong with me, and that it can be treated by taking a pill. And then, I get better. 

My face will look a little softer, my eyes a little less heavy. I’ll walk everywhere I go, and I’ll stand up in the mornings. 

Maybe food will be less of a battle when I’m healthy. 

Maybe I’ll burn in the atmosphere before I crash down to earth. 

Right now, my collision course is set toward hospitals, tubes, and wires. I’ll only have to sign away my autonomy when I check-in. 

Is there early prevention for a trojan virus? 

Did I ever have a chance? Fated to keep running on empty until there’s nothing left to run. 

I have no salvation, I am just a machine. 

There is no happy ending for me.

[wyn-n-tonic]

So... I haven't been feeling super great and it could just be because my period is three weeks late and all my hormones are in a pile up causing me to be insane or it could be the 27 years worth of major depressive disorder just chilling in my brain or it could be the EDS and the possible POTS, you know? It could be all of those! It could be none of those! But I will say... I have seen a significant decrease in my stress levels and I would like to talk about the things I'm doing for self care that are keeping me from losing my fucking mind.

Read more because this shit is just me rambling about my favorite self care things. Like I've really finally found a good combo for me and it makes me so happy that it doesn't feel like a chore. It's just nice!!! Also, this is not medical advice, this is just your friendly neighborhood mentally ill girly who deals with chronic illness sharing the things that make me happy.

FIRST OF ALL!!!! WASH YOUR FACE!!!! THEN TAKE YOUR FUCKING MEDS!!!!! I take my meds every single day at 8:10am because it's good to take your meds at the same time every single day *but* I've also discovered that's the best time to take my adderall so that it's really kicking in by 9 after I've done all my emails and things and need to focus on, like, actually doing my job. I've also been taking women's multivitamins and magnesium glycinate supplements. I feel like they've both made me less of a bitch because it's helped with the pain.

I have been eating breakfast! Not just iced coffee and prayers either, I've been eating a real ass breakfast. Everyday I make myself a little breakfast sandwich with an English muffin, egg, sausage and cheese of choice (I like colby jack, do whatever tf you want). This equals out to about 28g of protein and I'm supposed to have at least 30g first thing in the morning so it's pushed to 31g (maybe more) with the oat milk latte I make with my cute little espresso maker and milk frother. I have also limited my caffeine intake to one silly little coffee a day (but I'll have the occasional sips of coke zero when I feel a migraine trying to move in).

I've been working out recently. Even if I don't go to the gym, I try to get up and go for little walks. Which is nice. After I move, I want an under the desk treadmill.

I have a really bad habit of biting/picking my nails, especially when my anxiety is high or I feel the need to fidget but, for about the last few months, whenever I get the urge to bite or pick, I use cuticle oil instead and have been rubbing that into my nails/cuticles and it tastes god awful so of course I do not bite.

After work, I take a shower and I've started using the Saltair body wash in Santal Bloom because it smells very good TO ME. They have a bunch of different scents. But please remember that body wash is only a scent so please wash yourself with actual soap (and use a washcloth too oh my god, why is this a debate??? WASH IS LITERALLY IN THE NAME). Also, wash behind your ears EVERY SINGLE TIME.

ALSO night showers > morning showers. Argue with a wall because why would I want to get in my cozy bed with a body that has been steeped in outside germs all day??? Dirty feet??? ON MY SHEETS?!?! No.

I have *never* liked lotion because it's all too greasy or it smells gross or it's BOTH. I just get the autistic ick. I don't like things that sit ON my skin. But I know I should use it and I know I need to so I keep buying different brands of lotion but then I never finish them because oh my god so so gross and greasy. Anyway, somebody recommended that I try eos brand lotion and I have been using the coconut waters scent and oh my god. I recommend this lotion but use whatever you want and buy whatever scent you want, it's just nice. This lotion pairs very well with the body wash I like and it just makes me feel cozy as I get ready for bed.

Also wash your face again!!!!

(For skincare, I double cleanse with an oil cleanser & then a salicylic acid cleanser in the AM and a hyaluronic acid cleanser in the PM)

And I've been dermaplaning lately. That shit slaps. Why wasn't I doing that before???

And people keep telling me to buy topical magnesium to help with chronic pain but I kept getting links for Amazon and the thing about Amazon is... I don't like to use them if I can help it but I especially do not want to buy, like, make up or food or skincare products or vitamins on there because the amount of unregulated third party sellers freaks me out and I'm not trying to pop a rat poison supplement instead of what i actually ordered. You know? Anyway, my friend told me to get this Being Frenshe soothing stick... besties..... I have been using this shit ALL DAY LONG It's going on my thighs, my neck, my shoulders, my fingers, my knees, my ankles, my shins and it's so good for the chronic pain. And it smells so good and layers very nicely with the lotion and the body wash.

Seriously, my skin is so soft and I haven't really felt the need to pop a pain pill in a bit, my sleep is improved, my ability to calm my heart rate down during the day has improved. Did I mention my skin is soft?

Also, I'm currently losing weight and still healing from my biopsy (yes, I know it's been three months!!!) and I feel like the body wash + lotion combo I'm basically living in daily (sometimes twice a day because the showers are just so relaxing and not a chore to me now) are soooo helpful for my stretchmarks and scars.

Also, I've been turning my computer off an hour before bed to read which has been lovely.

Also, I bought enough lip balm (also eos because it's shea and not beeswax) to keep in different places. So I have a bed lip balm, a desk lip balm and a purse lip balm with one floater just randomly around the house.

And the *ONLY* AI we support in this household is the kind in my fancy little toothbrush that guides me in how best to brush my teeth.

Anyway, I just love being in my bed cozy sleep shirt smelling like coconut and vanilla and watching monster movies while not being in pain and having a resting heart rate that is NOT in the 120s. It's so beautiful. especially because, for the longest time, I couldn't get my resting heart rate below 85 while SLEEPING.

[bloodsta1ned]

I'm a lil better that someone knows what its like to feel the same way I do! bc most ppl just don't understand or would say it's nothing. i feel like im at a point in life where i have to do extremely good and it just makes me anxious bc idk if i have that in me to go that far or to even make it. im already sensitive asf, there's always these voices in my head constantly telling me hurtful things and it won't go away. listening to my fav music and being alone helps so much it's like my own little world and no one can come between it but the anxiety is always there in every single thing I do... hopefully it stops soon

lmao its literally like ur inside my head 💀 I just feel very stagnant in life bc i'm too insane so i had to take a break from school and my anxiety is too bad to even work tbh... literally all i do lately is sit at home and listen to music that makes me feel less alone. but that can get rly boring and lonely esp when you have no one to talk to. but ya, even in the comfort of my own comfy bed with my music and dogs, the anxiety is constant. sometimes being alone for too long can make it worse but then anxiety makes you STAY alone so its a weird thing. i really hope it stops for you soon too. i recently reached out to a therapist to set up an appt and maybe you could try the same? ik everyone says that... but it could rly help. and if you need meds then you need meds, just see a doctor about it. i have anxiety meds but they don't fucking work so i finally just got so tired of wanting to die i bought some prescription meds that actually work. but meds are not a long term solution just something to curb the suicidal ideations until you can gain control over yourself more and start therapy. or if not therapy then at least have one person you can talk to about ANYTHING who you trust wont judge you. i know you can make it through this. and im a stranger but i am always here esp bc i know how you feel 100%

[resi4skz]

CHAPTER 2

Pairing: idol!Chan x Rebecca Greywood (OC)

Warnings: none for this chapter

This is purely fiction!

"You can't be serious," I say to Luna.

"Why not? Give me one good reason why you don't want to."

I had arrived at her house an hour ago. I cried for the first 20 minutes but she quickly cheered me up with ice cream. Strawberry. My favorite flavor. And now she's telling me to take korean lessons and take makeup classes to get certifications.

"Luna," I sigh, stabbing the spoon into the tub of ice cream. "Why one earth would I do that? I don't have the money nor do I have the time." Which was true because with school and no job, I had no extra money to do anything else.

"Heat me out," Luna replies. "You can take the classes and work part-time. You can always take fewer classes for your school."

I look at her like she's grown horns on her head. "You're insane for even thinking this."

"Becca, I've known you since freshman year of high school. I know you're miserable in med school because it's what your dad is forcing you to do. The only time I've seen truly happy is when you're dancing and singing or when you were doing Ella's makeup." I go to protest but she holds her hand up. "You may become the best surgeon in the country but you won't be a happy one. You will always ask yourself that if you had taken that one step in the past, would your life be any different than it is now? Would you be happy? Would you be truly happy knowing you never took that step?"

Her questions hit like a brick. Blinking, I think about what she said. Picturing my future in my mind as a surgeon, I would be just a person working a job but I wouldn't be enjoying it. It would be me not living. It would just be me doing what my dad wants me to do.

Then I picture myself as an idol or as a makeup artist and all I see is a wide smile on my face. I see myself happy and living my life to the fullest. I look at Luna and realize something. In order to achieve my happiness, I need to let some things go. I scoff and look at her once again. "How do you know what to say every damn time?"

Luna smiles and walks over to where I'm sitting. "Because I'm always right." She winks at me and I laugh. "So are you going to do it?"

"I mean, am I wrong for wanting this? Maybe," I say nodding. "But do I want to do it? Yes. But I would need to figure out my school schedule and drop out of some classes first. And apply for a job." A piece of paper gets shoved in my face. I see it's an application form at the cafe she works at. "You have everything planned, don't you?"

"Mhm. And," Luna shoves another paper in front of me. "This."

"What's this?" I ask as I glance at the paper. "Another application?"

She rolls her eyes and says, "Just look at it."

I look down and it reads:

JYPE hiring MUAs for 2021!

Requirements: atleast 6 certifications as an MUA, including international. Please email for more info.

"So?" Luna asks.

I look up at her. I realize this may be my only choice to my freedom. But it would also mean I would be leaving my first dream. Then again, I enjoyed makeup more. And I was pretty good at it. "Is it crazy that I actually want to do this?"

"No," Luna smiles. "It just means you're ready to take that step towards your freedom."

I laugh. "Okay. Let's do this."

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I do exactly what Luna told me to do. I drop out of a few classes and enroll in makeup classes and korean classes. I also got a part-time job at her cafe. It paid pretty well so that was a plus for me. I even opened a new bank account so Patricia won't have anything to hold against me like she usually does.

For the next year, my life consisted to school, make-up and korean lessons and my job. It was like clock work from the moment I wake up and go to bed at night. Some days, it got very hectic and other days it was a breeze. But I was happy doing all of this. It had motivated me to do my best in everything I was doing.

And another thing that had given me motivation: Stray Kids. They had released more albums and I had managed tl watch a few of their variety shows. And only one of the members had always caught my eye since the beginning. His v-lives always cheered me up and I would always look forward to every Sunday morning. It was one thing that kept me sane. I had made myself a promise that if I were to meet him in person one day, I would thank him for helping me.

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Before I had realized it, the year came and went. I had achieved 5 of the certifications and was working on the sixth. I also applied for the MUA job for JYPE and emailed them that I was going to be receiving the sixth certificate in a few months.

Meanwhile, I was in the process of looking at apartments in Seoul. I had more than enough money saved up from my part-time and freelance makeup clients. Even Luna was surprised to see me working all the time. And I was practically living at her house because living at my own house was not only frustrating but I was always paranoid about someone walking in my room. Luna didn't mind though, as her parents were very nice people and understood my situation.

The only problem was to get my things from the house without making it look like I moved out. So I started coming up with a plan. I could go in and out gradually and move things that way OR I move everything all at once and end up in an unnecessary fight which I didn't want.

I'm laying on the bed in the spare bedroom contemplating my next move when Luna walks in. "Hey, do you have an extra makeup sponge I can borrow?"

"Sure," I stand and walk to my make-up box to retrieve the item.

"Thanks," Luna replies as I hand it to her.

"Mhm," I said as my phone chimes and I scoff. "This guy never gives up, I swear."

"Don't tell me," Luna makes a face. "Ryan?"

"I mean what is his problem? We broke up 2 years into us dating and I even blocked his number because HE cheated on me," I exclaim, getting frustrated.

Ryan Moore was my boyfriend for 2 years before I found out he was cheating on me the entire time we dated for those 2 years. I was very much oblivious until I saw him with another girl at a restaurant. Ever since then, he's been wanting to get back with me and it's getting on my nerves. "What does he want now?"

"The fuck I know," I say as I read his text, mimicing him. "I miss you, Becks. Please just give me one chance to talk."

"Ew." Luna makes a face.

"I hate that name. And yet he's still using it." I had told him to never call me 'Becks' as I had always hated it. I look at my phone again in frustration as it chimes once more. My eyes widen and I suddenly can't breathe. "Oh my god."

Luna walks over to me, worried. "What? What happened? Did he say something? Do I need to kick his ass?"

"I got in." I blink at my email app in my phone.

"Huh? What?" Luna blinks at me.

"I got in!" I show her my phone. It was an email from JYPE officially congratulating me on being accepted as an MUA. "Oh my god, Luna! I GOT IN!" Luna and I jump around hysterically, squealing.

"Oh shit, it's really happening." I say as I calm myself.

"I knew you could it!" Luna smiles at me. "When do they want you to start?"

I look at the email again. "It says a month after I finish my last certificate. That's just a couple of months away!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Over the next month I kept searching for apartments. It dawns on me that this is actually happening that I'm going to be working in Korea. I also had gotten pretty fluent in korean, thanks to Luna for pushing me to get those lessons. I got to wonderimg who I'll be assigned to as an MUA but deep down, I wished Stray Kids would be the one I would be assigned to. But with these companies, you never know.

*3 months later*

I had gotten my final certification early and it actually gave me time to sort everything out. I even found a nice apartment and paid the deposit. Even booked a plane ticket. So everything was all set to go, except for one. The most important thing that I had been going over and over foe the past few days. I had to get the rest of my belongings from my house. But I had to do it discreetly. I needed those things in order for me to move on.

So a few days later, I stop by the house and as usual I'm questioned as soon I enter. Trying my best to ignore them, I go straight into my room locking it behind me. I grab my luggage and start packing the rest of my things. And as I'm putting my clothes inside, my phone rings and I pick up without looking. "Hello?"

"Becks?"

My eyes widen and I immediately hang up. "I have GOT to change my number or better yet get a new pbone entirely. Jesus. The man never gives up." I do a quick scan of my room to see if I missed anything. Satisfied, I zip my bag and walk out.

"Where do you think you're going with that?" Patricia asks.

Turning around, I smirk. "What I should've done a long time ago."

"You can't move out. You don't have the money to get a place of your own."

I laugh. "You can have the $500 in that account for all I care. It's not mine anyway." I turn around to leave but I'm turned around forcefully. "What the fuck?"

"You're not going anywhere, bitch. You stay here where I can keep an eye on you so I can kick you out myself."

"Wow, such choice of words, Patricia," I said as I yank my arm free. "Let me tell you something. Tell dad to not come after me because I won't be here."

"What?" Patricia blinks at me. And without saying anythjng further, I finally turn around to leave but I guess God had other plans for me because she yanks me back again. And this time I let her have it. I slap her as hard as I can. She cups her cheek and looks at me, shocked. Turning around, I head outside with my luggage, finally free.

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It is now the day of my flight and I'm triple checking my bags to see if I missed anything. "Will you stop with that? You're giving me a headache," Luna says, playing on her phone.

"I just want to make sure I have everything," I said, looking at the time. "I have one more hour till I'm supposed to leave."

"For the last time, I know. I'm driving you there." Luna rolls her eyes while still on her phone.

Doing one more glance, my phone rings but I ignore it knowing it's from my dad. He's been trying to get in contact with me ever since I left. I had no intention of having any kind of communication with a man who never defended me. It rings again so I turn my phone on silent and try to kill time until it's time to go.

*50 mins later*

Luna and I are on our way to the airport. We got food to eat on the way to help ease my nerves. Even though I was moving to Seoul 2 months prior, it would be give me time to scout the area. I was excited to live in a new country and even more excited since I knew Korean.

We park, get my luggage out from the car and walk inside the airport. I get checked in, my luggage finally move forward leaving me with my backpack as my carry-on. As Luna and I head towards the gate number, I start getting a bit emotional.

As I stand in front the gate number, I let out a breath but it comes out shakey. "This is it." I turn around and hug Luna, sobbing.

She hugs me back, chuckling. "It's alright, bestie. I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss our silly time together." I cry more as she pats my back.

Once I calm down, I give her one more hug before saying final goodbyes as I finally head inside to board the plane. Once inside the plane, I find my designated window seat and finally sit. As I look out the window, I watch as the workers put all the luggage in another plane. I take my phone out of my bag. Immediately, my phone display lights up, my dad's name on the screen. Sighing, I pick up. "Yeah?"

"Becca? Thank god. I have been trying to get a hold of for the past few days!"

"And?" I was completely annoyed at this point.

"Where are you? We're worried about you. You even gave Patty a scare when you left."

I decide to be upfront. "Look, Jack," I say, leaning back. "From today onwards, you won't hear from me. You can ask everyone you know and you won't find me. So it's better if you focus on the other family of yours instead."

"What? What do you mean?" Jack asks.

"Goodbye." He starts to protest but I hang up and turn my phone off.

The plane finally departs and goes on the runway to prepare to fly. When it finally picks up speed, I smile as it  takes off. I'm finally free.

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A/N: don't worry, the boys are appearing soon 😉

[frasermints]

i told my friend i was going to keep track of how i felt when starting auvelity since she's been on ketamine for a year and is thinking about switching so i think i'm just gonna make a tag

i just took my first dose. literally two minutes ago. i told myself i wasn't gonna google anything or read the insert, because i always do that and i always psych myself out or invent side effects that aren't there. i did both anyway. i found a positive study and sent it to my med student friend, and i read the insert to make sure i could take it with/out food.

apparently, it causes birth defects. severe birth defects. there is a registry of people that are on auvelity to ensure that you don't have children while on it so that the company that produces it can't get sued.

i know that, like, being mentally ill comes with life side effects or whatever. it's expensive to be mentally ill. it takes time out of your day and it fucks with your social life and it gives you a window into a different side of life that a lot of people might not understand. most of my ""normal"" friends don't respond in ways that i deem "acceptable" when i talk about mental illness. i'll talk about trauma or my symptoms or discrimination and they always approach it through a lens of injustice or solutionism when sometimes i really just want validation or empathy.

there is no empathy when it comes to chemicals. i can't have children while on auvelity. that's just a fact. i cannot get pregnant on this drug. this drug that my psychiatrist basically touted as a miracle cure. and listen, i love her, she's a little insane, i consider her a friend that also gives me drugs. but i feel like... i feel like i shouldn't have to choose.

for a long time i didn't want kids. vehemently hated the idea. rejected the notion that i'd ever change my mind. but now i can't see my life without them. maybe it's the mid twenties baby fever, maybe it's the stage the rest of the locals in my age range are at, but holy shit man. jay brain says i needed to be pregnant, like, yesterday. and to know that that's not an option? maybe anymore, maybe forever, maybe not until my reproductive organs are shot to hell?

because no one's 100% sure what testosterone does to the uterus and ovaries. especially not to the "not 100% perisex uterus and ovaries". like, i have fucked up anatomy as it is. my mom wasn't able to get pregnant for seven years after she had me. i've miscarried once already. the amount of unprotected sex i've had in my life shows that i am not an easy target to hit. but it's like... the delusion was nice to live inside of, you know? there are so many seahorse dads out there. SO many dads have given birth. i at least wanted the option ykwim?

anyway. my stomach hurts and i'm tired. gonna edit a little bit more of sincerity is scary and finish the leafs game before i go to bed. we won 7-3 against the rangers at MSG tonight but i'm replaying it anyway since i was at work

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

the pain slices through me. i can't eat anything without pain again. (not such a bad thing honestly, the not eating, but the pain...) i don't know what to do other than take the pills i saved from when i had pancreatitis. i'm not a fan of pain meds but when it's bad, it's bad. i don't think i have an infection & i don't feel like going to the doctors just for them to tell me 'they don't know' or 'maybe it's an autoimmune disease' & then not tell me anything else or send me anywhere else to determine whether or not i do have something else.

they only care that i'm already chronically ill with things they've been able to diagnose. i even had a doctor say to me 'oh, well, you're already disabled, right?' like the only reason i go there is so i can collect payments or something? i didn't even bother to ask her what she meant by it. i don't bother to ask them much of anything anymore because their answers are either 'i don't know' or 'oh, you're fine.' i'm not fucking fine.

even my new doctor. i was concerned about how i couldn't get my cholesterol down considering my diet is insanely good & when i didn't eat any fat during the pancreatitis months my triglycerides got higher. she says, 'high cholesterol? *laughs* America, right?' WHAT THE FUCK?!

i have a kidney disease, assholes. i need to make sure things are being filtered properly. but no. they see 'well, you aren't losing function yet' & everything's just supposed to be fine. i'm exhausted just thinking about it.

so yeah, i'm just going to suffer til it passes as i always do. & be pissed off because i can't do anything other than lay in bed terrified to eat absolutely anything.

spring sucks. it's not even here yet & it's already bad

[haptureratch]

Birthday Weekend (33rd)

I could just get down on my knees and cry out my appreciation for this man. A trip to Austin including a place to stay, a one-of-a-kind omakase experience, brunch, feral go-karting, thoughtful gifts, and (as always) accepting me when I'm below my ideal self.

It started with racing to the city. I had been dragging all Saturday morning despite being so excited on Friday that I dressed nice to work and didn't sleep a full 8 hours. But I guess staying at work until 9pm will do that to you LOL. Before that, I'd had another psych follow-up....the next med to be trialed is Fetzima. After a prior auth. We all know my anxiety surrounding psych meds but also WE KNOW that I have to keep trying them.

Anyway, getting to Austin. I got there about 30 minutes before he did and spent the time settling in and catching up with Rilley. I spent a good few moments taking in the beauty of the bedroom. So pink, so cozy. So comforting and delicate of an aura with the light diffusing through the pink curtains of the tall windows. The bed: shades of pink and the natural blond of the wooden bed frame. (Later I'd be looking up at the pink tones of his face framed by blond hair and note that I was completely swallowed mind, body, heart, and soul by him and this room.) Then he pulled up in his little black Honda and we hugged. He was sweaty from driving his car for 3 hours with its not-so-great A/C; it gets overwhelmed in these temperatures and just won't put out ice cold air until the sun goes down. Getting inside, I joked with him that I knew why he picked this place, that it was the movie-related art and posters on the walls. But it was also a nice place right off of a popular road. In a neighborhood he said was well-liked for remaining mostly like Old Austin. At some point in the weekend he taught me about Moon Towers.... (maybe it was driving back from picking up pizza after the go-karting)

Once he told me about dinner reservations I shifted into getting ready. He asked if I really needed all of that time to get ready. OO HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS COMING. I started on my make-up and got him into the shower. Partly for the sweat and partly so I could sneak into the gift I got him for our six-month anniversary. Which was that day! The 10th of August. From the adrenaline of sexy conspiracy and the caffeine blood sugar fuckery that comes from not eating since breakfast, I was pretty shaky. But I got it all together. Oh, man.... The look on his face when he saw it. When it clicked together that I'd prepared him something special. Something I thought he'd really like. His face lit up and his hands were magnets to my body. I teased him. We played a little but ultimately I wouldn't let him kiss me too much 'to not ruin the make-up ;)' --agh, if I had known I was going to feel so ill after dinner I wouldn't have teased him so hard. I would have let him enjoy so much more. "You can do anything dressed like that." But anyway-- After some photos and fooling around and a shoe placed suggestively to a crotch, I changed into my actual dinner dress and we hopped in an uber and got to the place. The driver was a little insane, we noted later.

Dinner was wonderful. We had our usual endless conversation and joking, taking turns making fun of each other, making each other laugh.

Then, very unfortunately, so much discomfort and fatigue after dinner. He was so supportive. I still wish it had gone differently, though. I thought I saw pain or some combination of strong emotions when he stood behind me in the bathroom mirror and held me the way he always does.

We woke up and quickly made up for things not had the night before. I asked for him to be gentle. And he was. He always gives what I ask for. With such love. And this time I was the one almost overwhelmed by how powerful our connection is. But only because I still wasn't feeling 100% and had less 'spoons' to eat the moment with. I cried after. I was thinking of how lonely I was for so long and feeling that sadness at the same time I was feeling gratitude for being home at last.

You know.... Pink is becoming a color I think I like. I always preferred blues and green. But he's so pink. And now I have a pink bedframe because I liked the way it looks. And it happens to go so nicely with gray bedding which I also happened to pick out (after I picked it, I learned gray is his favorite color for linens). But luckily he has those blue/green/gray eyes too. My own eyes can never decide what they're seeing. And those two dark spots.

We got to brunch. Then relaxed (he rubbed my feet) and I took a power nap. We made it to go-karting. Played some arcade games while we waited. Just like our first date after the museum and park and food.

I felt accomplished after that. And it was super fun.

Then we picked up pizza on the way home. I showered and we ate. Then he got up and said "okay, time to open presents" .... I don't think I'll ever properly be able to describe his tone of voice. The sweetness kills me to think back on. He had me to to the bedroom for a couple minutes. Then came in and sat on the bed and joked that I was going to go to sleep. I walked back to the main area and saw a few packages wrapped in light pink wrapping paper with darker pink hearts sitting on the 'living room' table. I couldn't believe it. Even after all he curated for me this weekend, there were still gifts. A Diptyque candle--I could not believe paid his own money and got me one of my ridiculous candles that no one but me should ever buy for me lmao but it was also so him because he got me a special edition candle that was only available for a week for the Paris olympics--it is a powdery floral and linen scent. A book-shaped item that turned out to be a picture book of all our photos so far. Well, mostly ones of me. But this makes sense because they're the ones he's taken. I would have rather had most of them be US but I think it was meant to show me how he sees me. Show me his half of our relationship. Remind me that I'm loved and adored by him. The object of his attention. Something to capture. And what I guessed was a stuffed animal puppy (so he could say he got me a dog) but ended up being even better: a wolf. I said I'd put his cologne on it and cuddle it when I missed him. What I'd really need is to get the scent of his under arms on it, but I don't think his blue gel deodorant would transfer well to a stuffed animal. Then I read his card. IT MADE ME CRY SO HARD. I'll put it on here tomorrow or this week. I turned to him and said, "That's so nice." I hugged him tight. And if that wasn't all enough he had a damn Cameo from Chris Pontius. I scream-laughed at hearing him acknowledge that I had written Jackass fanfiction. And it was sooo funny and soooo Pontius the way he kept trying to keep going and hit all these bullet points that were probably written right next to the camera. I could not believe it. 100% fever dream. And a good way to end the gifts after reading that heart-wrenching card.

We went to bed. He asked if he could hold me....he always does ask and he never needs to but I still like hearing it. He said it didn't have to be for long since he knows I've gone back to having difficulty sleeping next to him (after we've been more into LDR territory the past few months). I said I didn't care. And in the morning, after his alarm went off a couple times and we snoozed those couple times, he said in my left ear, "happy birthday" ---- and let me tell you it felt like I've heard it before and I'll hear it every time until one or both of us are no longer here.

It's these moments. This magic. This familiarity even within firsts. These things register him in my mind and in my body as mine. Completely. In the way I've always wanted someone to be mine. The kind of mine I had to mature to have. I had to wait for it. But now that he's here

You know, that's why I think he doesn't feel real some times. He was the one I was always hoping for. It's a little hard to adjust to a space that's finally filled after a lifetime of wishing. To finally see what he looks like. To learn about him. To let him know me.

It's been six months and it only gets more profound. More beautiful. Deeper.

I'm excited to build a life with you, too, Steven.

P.S. some random tidbits I remembered afterward-- it was my "real" birthday this year (I was born on a Monday). Him getting out of bed to get my lip balm for me. The restaurant giving me a card signed by the staff.

[littleprincessfawn]

Okay despite my brain going a mile a minute I'm gonna talk to myself here and use Tumblr as my executive function boardroom meeting to take proper care of my ill ADHD self.

(looooong test post under cut. Likely boring but maybe useful to other people struggling with functioning and self care?)

I'm recovering from a tummy bug, nausea, diarrhea. Today I took all my meds at the one time, including my ADHD meds at full dosage, despite that I've been skipping them a bit lately. This has caused me to feel like maybe hypomanic, side effects too much meds, thoughts rushing, wrote too much to people. Ruining friendships with my social awkwardness of oversharing and being 'too much'. The ADHD meds are wearing off now. I am home alone. Today I have eaten rice crackers. I have had 600ml water. It's 5pm. I had 3 or 4 hours sleep last night because I was so ill. I am dirty and haven't had a bath or shower or brushed my teeth for 2 days. My house is messy in some places, the kitchen isn't so bad, and neither is my TV nook. I have a kitty to feed and look after.

Things I must do:

Feed kitty breakfast and dinner

Scoop kitty litter once per day

Put on dishwasher once per day and put away clean dry dishes

Sort out the laundry situation because right now it's insane. I have clean clothes and linens but they are in random piles around the house.

Take out rubbish to rubbish bins (maybe once per day as my house is messy and if I clean I will find rubbish)

Drink 3L of water each day

Eat healthy nutrition each day, spaced out regular meals, avoid spikes in blood sugar

Sleep!! Get sleep. Make a bed that is cosy, comfy, clean.

Shower or bath once per day

Brush teeth morning and night, or just night if struggling

Skin care morning and night, or just night if struggling

Comb my hair and wear it in 2 comfy cute braids

Spend more time on tumblr and being introverted and thoughtful, less time messaging people until my hypomanic symptoms have eased and I'm in control of myself

Figure out when to take which meds and at what dosage

Always take my leukemia medicine dasatinib at 12pm.

Do things that help me feel balanced and grounded

Slowly do things that will make my situation better e.g. tidying, throwing out junk, working through emails, making appointment phone calls, life admin stuff

Stay safe, don't do risky or harmful behaviours.

Make one room my dedicated SAFE SPACE. Make and keep it: clean, cosy, tidy, neat, spartan, minimalist, white sheets, soft lighting, good air flow, beautiful, relaxing, healing, comfortable, sensory good, suiting my needs. The rest of the house can be messy but if I have ONE room that is good I have a place to retreat to.

Choices for my safe room: my bedroom, my son's bedroom (he's at his dad's), my computer room, my TV nook.

My bedroom has a lot to deal with in it, but has the best mattress. I don't think I can fix my bedroom tonight.

My son's room is tidyish, wouldn't take long to fix up. His mattress isn't as good for my back. I sometimes like being in my son's room because it reminds me of him when he's away BUT I also ideally want that space to be just for him, with his things.

The computer room has the air conditioner which is nice for cooling but very loud. It has no mattress. It's a bit messy. I'd need to move furniture. It's not doable for tonight.

(Break to feed cat dinner, it's 6:17pm. Also cleaned and refilled his water.)

The dining room / library is insane. I wasn't planning on sleeping here. I just wanted to note that. Absolute chaos.

The TV nook is a small room with a couch and a single bed in it and the TV and a coffee table. I find the single bed mattress uncomfortable to sleep on. I find the couch comfy to sleep on. It's pretty easy to tidy up.

So my options are either my son's room or the TV nook, and there's a possibility of dragging my mattress from my room into either room if I can make it fit.

I am feeling very very dizzy and ill. I'll lie down now, then get water. Then I will probably need food. Protein, Complex Carbs, Veggies. Some brown rice is in the fridge. So is some tofu that I marinated I think it's still good? I might have some frozen green beans or carrots or something easy like that for veggies. I also have legumes like lentils, kidney beans, chickpeas. There's probably meat in the freezer but I don't think I can do that. I have eggs I think.

Okay, despite dizzy, now go get food and water. Then come back, eat on couch, while reading or TV, lie down, maybe sleep.

Plan more plans later.

For right now, get through the next hours. Give my body what it needs. Water. Food. Sleep. Hygiene. Maybe in that order or maybe after food and water I can do hygiene first.

Okay I have now eaten food and drank water. I think next need truly is sleep. My heart feels weird. But sometimes when I'm this level of messed up im afraid to fall asleep. I'm afraid that I won't wake up again. I'm afraid of that unknown darkness, of what waits for me behind my eyelids. But my body can do no more. I will clean my face with water and a washcloth. I will brush my teeth. I will put on my night cream. I will make the couch sleepable.

Now I have done all those. I've put a gentle lamp on. A fan blowing air. I will try and allow my body and mind to rest. I will curl up on my side and settle my racing heart. I am so nauseous and dizzy and sore and scared.

I must find my calm. And hold it close.

I wish I had someone to hold me. But I'm proud of myself for taking care of myself. It's a skill I need to master. Before I can find a Master.

[slashertempo]

Handle Your High..?

Handle Your High

When I was a kid, acid was my drug of choice. Friends were smoking weed, or buying a lot of cocaine, and I just didn't get it. Their stuff was expensive, and I was doing a goofy drug that came on a tiny chip of paper for a couple of dollars. It lasted and kept me up for about 8-12 hours, it made the lights pretty, and the music hit my brain HARD. That and a Long Island Iced Tea, if I could afford it, was all I needed for fun at the clubs. I don't think I ever tried coke, and weed hurt my chest, probably the asthma...

The music would be really intense and I was just there to soak it in and dance for hours, usually by myself. I went just for that, my friends knew that and would be off doing their things, and find me when they were ready to take off. It was always a perfect and simple night for me to blow off steam from my restaurant job, I could tune people out, smoke a bunch of menthols, and hear new sounds every weekend...

Speed was cool, it would get me wired, so we could club all night, and then I could do an opening shift at Carl's Jr. I don't think anyone there ever knew I was tripping or super wired. It kept me pumped for the lunch rush, and then I'd go home and sleep through the daylight. I got away with doing that while living in Chicago.

I've told the story about meeting David Bowie in the early 90's, it was probably a night after a club night, being the reason I was so tired and unable to remember anything about him, but his nasty cigarette breath, heh...

Looking back at those days, and reflecting on it all, at 55, I don't think any of that is something I could get away with, not so much. These days, I enjoy a rum and coke, or a 7up with some red wine in it, or maybe a single Warsteiner or Sam Adams. And they make me feel... maybe a slight buzz, a warm fuzzy drunk, and always tired and ready for bed.

So back to our current timeline, a few days ago I finally got to see a doctor about my breathing, she was understanding of all of it, and saw that I needed to adjust what I was getting used to. She wrote up a few prescriptions, one of which was one of my least favorite drugs. One of the few I usually refuse to take, Prednisone. I don't like pain killers, and I stopped anti-depressants long ago, and Prednisone is right up there with those. If you've taken it, you may be familiar!

Prednisone is a steroid, and it makes you hyper, energetic, perhaps a little high, bordering on seeing shit and your brain seriously wanting to tune out. That's how it makes me feel. I had a ton of trouble the first few days and was awake three days straight, work was insane by the third day, but I made it through, had a day off yesterday, and it was still really weird! I went shopping and spent all my money, bought really stupid food, and a bunch of clothes. I would not have done that if someone was with me, but it is what it is...

So, here I am staying home from work, again, because it is making me feel a bit loopy and strange, and I have a little bit of the shakes. I sent a note to my doctor over the weekend, asking if I should stop, but she shot back that it's really going to help the other asthma meds get a start on helping my routine, and I'll be happier with the results after a few more days. She told me what to look out for, and she was the one who suggested staying home if I could. I'm trusting that and trying to keep relaxed for the day.

So here I am, writing and thinking about how when I was younger, there was always some kind of prep work involved when I was planning to be high. Who was driving, where I needed to be at what time, how long I would be awake, and when I worked. But it all went fine. I was always the type who would follow the "handle your high" rule.

Not to slight any of you friends, but I never wanted to be that "I love you guys, man!" or the one who was tripping all over and everyone had to help me get home. If I was going to become a burden or draw awkward attention to myself from my drinking or drugs, then they were removed from the plan and I'd go without, hah...

So now, I'm taking something that makes me feel out of control. I'm indeed, NOT handling my high, and I hate it, even though there's a lot of positive coming from it, this time. Some of the kids were having a laugh at me a few days ago. I was so wired and loopy, they commented that I was not the usual crabby character I am and that I was super jumpy and giddy about everything. They were still cracking up at my joking, but it was different, I was a clown, apparently. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" one of them joked...

So now I'm here at home, jittery, a bit lucid, and I can feel a sense of hyperactivity moving in. Hopefully, it will be around the time, the kid wants to go do some grocery shopping and laundry and can at least keep an eye on me. If I'm good, maybe I can get 'er to grab me some Chili Cheese Fritos and a coffee drink!

...like I really need one of those, right now! (maybe a choco milk).

[gallavich-headcanon]

"I actually don't remember that commercial, babe, but remember when..." -> Holy hell! I didn't even think about the possibility of all the embarrassing cute pet names! I feel like Mickey would stick to canon nicknames, unless he is being annoying on purpose or trying to get Ian's attentions, calling him pumpkin or something. But IAN, Ian doesn't know Mickey so he will start with all the Baby / babe / honey / sweetheart and it would get Mickeey to blush and whisper -shout "Don't call me that!", while everyone thinks he doesn't like it when Ian says it in public, people tell him "oh don't worry my husbands calls me sweety pie all the time, no need to be embarrassed." And Mickey discovers his new love for pet name (coming from Ian's mouth only) because he never let any of his exes do that. (~que internalized homophobia~) but now that he has no choice... it has grown on him. when the pretending stops and Ian stops with the names and sticks to Mickey or Mick... Mickey hates it. He wants to be honey again.

Oh I didn't even think about Ian's bipolar in this AU! yes what if it's one of the first things Ian tells him? so he's not surprised by the meds? and Mickey makes it a goal of his to help keep track of Ian's meds, because this house drives everyone crazy, with and without mental illness, and time feels fake. So Mickey makes sure to read all the side effects on the bottle and asks Ian stuff about it at night. At first it's the excuse of not looking like a shitty boyfriend but quickly Mickey just cares, you know?

Hahah Mickey having to listen to horrible sex stories! They probably tell him "Isn't it so hard to be with your boyfriend, sleep in the same bed and not have sex?" they blame it on the cameras. But it's easy because sleeping next to insanely hot person and not have sex with him, makes both of them horny and the sexual tension is there, so it helps sell their fake relationship. What if the girls are trying to ask him about their sex life? Can you imagine the conversation later that night whispering like "Yeah, so... I told Maria that you're a gold star top. So everyone asks, I've never fucked you. oh shit, I also kinda told them you have a monster cock. Technically both of those things aren't a lie."

Yes they would be the funniest hosts! Ian would try to take it kinda seriously and of course wouldn't miss the opportunity to tell one of his goofy jokes (the guest womb joke is still hunting me to this day) and Mickey would love making fun of the house tenants and their drama. Ian would try to stay neutral but Mickey would play favorites and make sure everyone knows who he wants to win.

"you just don't wanna lose your fucktoy," and someone is almost throwing hands about it. -> I will throw hands right now! No one talks about Ian's man like that. The fuck. I hope they get eliminated that night.

mickey decides to wear one of Ian's hoodies for comfort? -> I need to lay down. What if Ian keeps telling him stuff like "Don't forget you can't punch anything... or anyone... if I'm gone tonight." and Mickey is all panicky like "You are not fucking leaving me here, Red. No fucking way. We're going to do your stupid little monolog about why you have to stay. Let's go to the big brother room, I'm not doing it in front of those bitches, like you." Mickey is trying to keep it cool but he's being extra touchy and like, you said, stealing Ian's hoodies for comfort. Ian hides on of his shirts in Mickey's pillow, just in case he does have to leave that night. oh and he leaves his cologne next to Mickey's. If he has to leave, he will buy a new one outside. Maybe he stole of of Mickey's shirts, no one has to know, because he got saved that night and put everything back in place.

What if their double bed was like the cloud bed? so of course the stayed in it during the show but the kept begging to take it home by the time the show was over? Like a souvenir? Hahah because of course they are going to move in together after 3 and a half months in this house!

wait are you imagining this as a fall/winter season with hot tub in the garden or a spring/summer season with a pool in the garden?

i promise i'll answer to everything else asap, but-

-> Nosho don't get me started with a Big Brother reality show type of AU.

you can't just drop this and not expect me to ask you to elaborate!

HAHAHAHAHA nosho I am sitting alone laughing like a maniac

I told you not to indulge me on this one! I still have reblogs to reply to and now I'm gonna have to add another one to our ever growing list of AUs. This is one is on you, my friend. When we, inevitably, lose our minds, I want you to go back to this moment.

Okay, so my knowledge about Big Brother is very limited because I've only watched one season like 8 years ago (don't judge me, I was after surgery and couldn't walk for a while. It's insanely addictive though, with the whole 24/7 live stream)

But in the season I watched they had 2 random tenants (the first two that entered the house) pretend they are exes. Like the secret mission was to successfully make the other 20 people believe they are exes even though they've never met. They had 10 minutes, until the next person joins them, to come up with a story. In this they only had to keep it up for 2 days but-

In my AU - Ian and Mickey have to pretend to be together. They enter the house last, together. They get 10 minutes to come up with a convincing back story. They are told they have to keep everyone convinced for a week. Even if one person goes to the big brother and tells them that they think I&M are lying about it, they whole house loses. (the whole house participates in an activity that they believe to be the real weekly mission).

So when they both realize they are from the south side of Chicago, and are gay, they know they can pull it off. They keep the rest as close to reality as possible- Ian (25) is an EMT, Mickey (27) is a tattoo artist.

In the house they are the only ones to get a double bed and obviously they are expected to sleep together.

Will they convince everyone? will they fail the secret mission? Will they actually fall in love?

[allfather-we-stan]

A little life update "summer 22 with no solid poo"

for anyone who cares lol

as some of you may have seen from my other social medias and here, my health has gone to pretty downhill and I want to share my story and explain bc idk

And for not to scare anyone, no its im not deadly ill. Im prob gonna be just fine.

gross warning i talk about poop

So umm this all started at the end of may- start of june when i started having diarreah. no biggie, i get anxiety diarreah like once a week so i didnt think much of it at the time. Only took me like few more weeks for straight diarreah to realize that something may be wrong lol. So i joked about it and let it be. I call this summer "Summer 22 with no solid poo" and wanted to wait till august to go to doctor. Then i got covid. So i had to wait that out before going to the hospital.

And finally the day I got to go to the doctor and everything was fine, i was supposed to get blood work tested and maybe poop in a container and the doctor thought that it might be celiac-disease bc that runs in my family. But i got fever straight as i got home. I didn't feel so good. The fever continued for a couple of days and then we decided its time to go to ER.

We went there, got bloodwork done etc. Waited there like 6 hours and finallly at 9pm the doctor had time to see me and turns out my inflammatory values were super high and that theyd like me to stay at the hospital for a while. So i stayed at the hospital for 7 days.

In those 7 days they took so much bloodwork from me it was insane! (and fun fact, turns out my veins are shit and no one can find a good spot to draw blood or put an IV tube in). For a couple of days, no answers. They had no idea whats wrong with me. My fever rise and they gave me antibiotics and other meds. Went to the ultrasound and nothing. And then, they had to give me a observation aka "put a little camera up my ass".

But bc i live in a small city theres like one doctor who does that and his schedule was full. So I had long long days waiting for my appointment. And they got me on friday.

But before we get to the camera up my ass part. Hell was loose. They had to "clean" my bowels. And they told me, and I QOUTE "It's either 1: drink two cups of this cocktail that tastes like orange juice or 2: drink 3 litres of water". Obv i took the orange juice! It cant be that bad! WRONG! JESUS CHRIST I WAS WRONG.

As soon as i drank the bad tasting orange drink, i felt like throwing up. Then the pain came. Oh god the pain. It was like level 10 menstrual cramp kind of pain. I was literally crying and screaming bc it hurt so bad. Only thing that helped at the moment was to stay still but i couldnt do that bc i had to shit out the cocktail like every 5 minutes. Many times i thought to just shit my pants on the bed and not let that be my problem. I was in so much pain I was in panic mode. And the worst thing was, no one warned me. They didn't even mention that it might hurt with some people. I don't remember all bc panic lol but i remember this one bitch ass nurse going "Duh its gonna hurt it has big chemicals in it! Even gas can hurt inside bowels". I would have punched her if I wasnt shitting at the time. Then the nurses took their sweet time to get me painkillers and nausea meds. But I couldnt take those bc i felt like throwing up. And then I remember a doctor came. He was nice and explained to me that it hurts bc the orange juice made my bowels like spasm to clean it. I was like "lol thanks for warning me beforehand". Some time goes, they give me that yummy tranquilizer trough IV and I'm high asf. It still hurt but atleast i was high. Then came the cup number 2! I tried to drink it, immeadetly i threw it up like no way that stayed down. And again, panic bc idk what happens next. Do i need to do this all again? Is my bowel clean? Am i gonna be okay? And then i passed out and slept trough the night.

And at this point, on a serious point. WHY THE FUCK IS TELLING PATIENCE THAT THIS THING X IS GONNA HURT SO FUCKING TABOO??? Like i get it, you dont want to scare people but a little heads up would be better than nothing! I just wish someone had told me.

Okay, morning comes, its friday, camera about to go up my ass. they give me nice tranquilizer again, YUMMY. Im high again. they roll me to the operation room, and the nice nurses and a doctor explains whats gonna happen. ( I knew this was gonna hurt beforehand bc they gave me the tranquilizer and figures). At this point they tell me that going up my ass is the hardest part and hurts but after that its easier. Im like okay i can do this, im high and im a big boy! So there i was, laying on my side, doctor rips hole in my underwear to put the camera up my ass. And there it goes, felt weird. Then this stinging pain comes and i curse. Nice nurse lady notices and presses against my tummy and the pain gets easier. They tell me to take a deep breath everytime the pain eases. I do. I'm breathing so good baby you wouldnt believe ( still fucking high). And that thing happens over and over again for like, maybe 3-4 minutes but felt much longer. Sometimes the pain was larger but the nice nurse always pressed my tummy and i, kind of, farted the pain out? It's weird but you get it. Then i hear the words of heaven "We are there"! THE WORST IS BEHIND. I'm happy! I turn around, look at the screen where i can somehow see ( didnt have my glasses) the inside of my bowel part. And i said "ew" and turned my head back. I dont wanna see that. it was pink. Then the doctor spoke something doctorly that i didnt understand. They spend a minute inside my ass doing... doctor stuff and then they took the camera out. It didnt hurt just felt weird, like taking a weirdly shaped long shit. And then they were like "lol we done! We gonna take these samples to the lab asap!" And I was like "you took samples?". THEY TOOK PIECES OF THE INSIDE OF MY ASS WTF.

okay its done, im still high and after couple of hours, they let me go home. I'm happy. I'm feeling good. Life was good. Untill the next morning.

I felt bad again, I threw up at night and I had a mild fever. We call the ER to ask what we do. They tell me that i havent drank enough liquids. So for the next two days I drank so much water you wont believe but i still felt bad and had a fever. So off to ER again!

We went there, they were like lol again bloodwork. At this point im sure i have no blood left. Then we waited and waited and they take some more blood and wait again. Results come back. My inflammatory values were high again. They again want me to stay at the hospital overnight. Hospital booked full. I wait. And finally its time. They take me to a 2 person room, as a 3rd guy. Like it was so cramped and I didnt even have the emergency button. Everything is overwhelming. It smelled like shit. I cried. it was a horrible experience and i can go all night about how shit it was but ill skip it at this point.

So i spend like two nights at the hospital, and they finally have the results in about the pieces of my ass they took. they dont know what it is. THEY HAVE NO CLUE. But atleast they got me meds that work and i dont have a fever anymore. But its like 5 different meds. They make me nauseous and tired. So its not going that well now but atleast im in a good shape to be at home rn.

Im still waiting for more results and follow-up things at the hospital. I'll update as I get to those. Thanks for reading, feel free to ask any questions and stay healthy lmao.

[ninboyfriend]

(this wasn't prompted by anything — i've been meaning to send this ask for a while)

i know you catch a lot of flack in your inbox and i've seen some bitter people say some insane shit to you about how you're basically committing a fucking hate crime against depressed people by talking about your own progress and success . . . so

i just want to tell u that i love u a lot. i love seeing u on my dashboard. i love hearing u talk about yourself and ur boyfriend and how much better ur doing now than you were a few years ago. u give me a lot of hope. i'm not currently in a position where i can get my fucking shit together (still learning how to overcome trauma and depression; still living with my parents) but u reassure me that i someday will be. thank u for that

u r very cool shepard and i am very happy for u and all the progress u've made in ur. recovery? i'm not sure if that's the right word, english isn't my first language, but i hope it's close enough for u to know what i mean. waaa have a good day

ANON I FUCKING LOVE YOU THIS IS SO NICE WTF...

If it helps you at all I am currently about a month away from moving away from my shitty family/living situation and pursuing therapy and meds for my mental health problems and without going into too much detail, if I can do this I am positive you can figure it out as well. It can be difficult and humiliating to be an adult and feel like your problems are holding you back from actually doing adult things but there is always a way to get there even if it’s hard. Being in a sort of “mid point” myself in which I am better enough to recognize what I need to do but not always well enough to do it I have come to realize this is the part that doesn’t get talked about- Recovery is pretty much always seen as a linear Point A-Point B progression when the reality is you won’t just wake up one day and be better and know how to clean your room and keep yourself healthy and hold down a job or schooling or whatever you need to do, you have to keep making small choices every day that get you where you need to be.

This is really hard at first for everything but I’m getting to where I don’t remember why it was ever hard in the first place for me to like brush my teeth every day or make my bed or whatever because I’ve just learned how to do it now. And you will get to that point yourself someday and it’ll keep happening with most things that are hard for you now. Not being able to get your shit together right this second is not a bad thing nor is it abnormal honestly! Sometimes things don’t have to be good, they just have to be better. And maybe that’s an overused and watered down sentiment, that whole “it gets better” shit, because nobody ever tells you how or have anything else to say on the matter at all just that it’ll be ok or you should buy a bath bomb or whatever. It feels like putting glitter on a dumpster fire. It doesn’t actually put out the fire at all! So for me it’s easier to think of it all in the present tense. Things are bad right now, so how can I make RIGHT NOW slightly less bad? Usually the answer is simple shit like eating something or cleaning up or taking a walk or a shower or changing your clothes or your bed. If you spend enough time making right now less bad, you’re going to get used to right now being less and less bad every day until you can keep these habits up. No more pushing off being slightly less miserable to an unidentified “later!!!”

Idk I don’t wanna sound preachy I guess I just like. I myself do feel like a fuckup at the best of times and seeing that I’m someone else’s like. Recovery inspiration or something. Makes me feel like the shit i’m doing is actually working and I wish to share that. Because a lot of the things people tell you to just get up and do (getting a job making friends etc etc) are just not things you can do immediately and even if you know that will help it doesn’t feel worth it at all to pursue a “later” you think you’re still gonna be miserable in I guess???

Anyhow. This makes me really happy. I hope you’re having an ok day today and I hope anything I said here can help LOL. Love you

[resi4skz]

CHAPTER 2

Pairing: idol!Chan x Rebecca Greywood (OC)

Warnings: none for this chapter

This is purely fiction!

"You can't be serious," I say to Luna.

"Why not? Give me one good reason why you don't want to."

I had arrived at her house an hour ago. I cried for the first 20 minutes but she quickly cheered me up with ice cream. Strawberry. My favorite flavor. And now she's telling me to take korean lessons and take makeup classes to get certifications.

"Luna," I sigh, stabbing the spoon into the tub of ice cream. "Why one earth would I do that? I don't have the money nor do I have the time." Which was true because with school and no job, I had no extra money to do anything else.

"Heat me out," Luna replies. "You can take the classes and work part-time. You can always take fewer classes for your school."

I look at her like she's grown horns on her head. "You're insane for even thinking this."

"Becca, I've known you since freshman year of high school. I know you're miserable in med school because it's what your dad is forcing you to do. The only time I've seen truly happy is when you're dancing and singing or when you were doing Ella's makeup." I go to protest but she holds her hand up. "You may become the best surgeon in the country but you won't be a happy one. You will always ask yourself that if you had taken that one step in the past, would your life be any different than it is now? Would you be happy? Would you be truly happy knowing you never took that step?"

Her questions hit like a brick. Blinking, I think about what she said. Picturing my future in my mind as a surgeon, I would be just a person working a job but I wouldn't be enjoying it. It would be me not living. It would just be me doing what my dad wants me to do.

Then I picture myself as an idol or as a makeup artist and all I see is a wide smile on my face. I see myself happy and living my life to the fullest. I look at Luna and realize something. In order to achieve my happiness, I need to let some things go. I scoff and look at her once again. "How do you know what to say every damn time?"

Luna smiles and walks over to where I'm sitting. "Because I'm always right." She winks at me and I laugh. "So are you going to do it?"

"I mean, am I wrong for wanting this? Maybe," I say nodding. "But do I want to do it? Yes. But I would need to figure out my school schedule and drop out of some classes first. And apply for a job." A piece of paper gets shoved in my face. I see it's an application form at the cafe she works at. "You have everything planned, don't you?"

"Mhm. And," Luna shoves another paper in front of me. "This."

"What's this?" I ask as I glance at the paper. "Another application?"

She rolls her eyes and says, "Just look at it."

I look down and it reads:

JYPE hiring MUAs for 2021!

Requirements: atleast 6 certifications as an MUA, including international. Please email for more info.

"So?" Luna asks.

I look up at her. I realize this may be my only choice to my freedom. But it would also mean I would be leaving my first dream. Then again, I enjoyed makeup more. And I was pretty good at it. "Is it crazy that I actually want to do this?"

"No," Luna smiles. "It just means you're ready to take that step towards your freedom."

I laugh. "Okay. Let's do this."

------------------------------------------------------------

I do exactly what Luna told me to do. I drop out of a few classes and enroll in makeup classes and korean classes. I also got a part-time job at her cafe. It paid pretty well so that was a plus for me. I even opened a new bank account so Patricia won't have anything to hold against me like she usually does.

For the next year, my life consisted to school, make-up and korean lessons and my job. It was like clock work from the moment I wake up and go to bed at night. Some days, it got very hectic and other days it was a breeze. But I was happy doing all of this. It had motivated me to do my best in everything I was doing.

And another thing that had given me motivation: Stray Kids. They had released more albums and I had managed tl watch a few of their variety shows. And only one of the members had always caught my eye since the beginning. His v-lives always cheered me up and I would always look forward to every Sunday morning. It was one thing that kept me sane. I had made myself a promise that if I were to meet him in person one day, I would thank him for helping me.

------------------------------------------------------------

Before I had realized it, the year came and went. I had achieved 5 of the certifications and was working on the sixth. I also applied for the MUA job for JYPE and emailed them that I was going to be receiving the sixth certificate in a few months.

Meanwhile, I was in the process of looking at apartments in Seoul. I had more than enough money saved up from my part-time and freelance makeup clients. Even Luna was surprised to see me working all the time. And I was practically living at her house because living at my own house was not only frustrating but I was always paranoid about someone walking in my room. Luna didn't mind though, as her parents were very nice people and understood my situation.

The only problem was to get my things from the house without making it look like I moved out. So I started coming up with a plan. I could go in and out gradually and move things that way OR I move everything all at once and end up in an unnecessary fight which I didn't want.

I'm laying on the bed in the spare bedroom contemplating my next move when Luna walks in. "Hey, do you have an extra makeup sponge I can borrow?"

"Sure," I stand and walk to my make-up box to retrieve the item.

"Thanks," Luna replies as I hand it to her.

"Mhm," I said as my phone chimes and I scoff. "This guy never gives up, I swear."

"Don't tell me," Luna makes a face. "Ryan?"

"I mean what is his problem? We broke up 2 years into us dating and I even blocked his number because HE cheated on me," I exclaim, getting frustrated.

Ryan Moore was my boyfriend for 2 years before I found out he was cheating on me the entire time we dated for those 2 years. I was very much oblivious until I saw him with another girl at a restaurant. Ever since then, he's been wanting to get back with me and it's getting on my nerves. "What does he want now?"

"The fuck I know," I say as I read his text, mimicing him. "I miss you, Becks. Please just give me one chance to talk."

"Ew." Luna makes a face.

"I hate that name. And yet he's still using it." I had told him to never call me 'Becks' as I had always hated it. I look at my phone again in frustration as it chimes once more. My eyes widen and I suddenly can't breathe. "Oh my god."

Luna walks over to me, worried. "What? What happened? Did he say something? Do I need to kick his ass?"

"I got in." I blink at my email app in my phone.

"Huh? What?" Luna blinks at me.

"I got in!" I show her my phone. It was an email from JYPE officially congratulating me on being accepted as an MUA. "Oh my god, Luna! I GOT IN!" Luna and I jump around hysterically, squealing.

"Oh shit, it's really happening." I say as I calm myself.

"I knew you could it!" Luna smiles at me. "When do they want you to start?"

I look at the email again. "It says a month after I finish my last certificate. That's just a couple of months away!"

------------------------------------------------------------

Over the next month I kept searching for apartments. It dawns on me that this is actually happening that I'm going to be working in Korea. I also had gotten pretty fluent in korean, thanks to Luna for pushing me to get those lessons. I got to wonderimg who I'll be assigned to as an MUA but deep down, I wished Stray Kids would be the one I would be assigned to. But with these companies, you never know.

*3 months later*

I had gotten my final certification early and it actually gave me time to sort everything out. I even found a nice apartment and paid the deposit. Even booked a plane ticket. So everything was all set to go, except for one. The most important thing that I had been going over and over foe the past few days. I had to get the rest of my belongings from my house. But I had to do it discreetly. I needed those things in order for me to move on.

So a few days later, I stop by the house and as usual I'm questioned as soon I enter. Trying my best to ignore them, I go straight into my room locking it behind me. I grab my luggage and start packing the rest of my things. And as I'm putting my clothes inside, my phone rings and I pick up without looking. "Hello?"

"Becks?"

My eyes widen and I immediately hang up. "I have GOT to change my number or better yet get a new pbone entirely. Jesus. The man never gives up." I do a quick scan of my room to see if I missed anything. Satisfied, I zip my bag and walk out.

"Where do you think you're going with that?" Patricia asks.

Turning around, I smirk. "What I should've done a long time ago."

"You can't move out. You don't have the money to get a place of your own."

I laugh. "You can have the $500 in that account for all I care. It's not mine anyway." I turn around to leave but I'm turned around forcefully. "What the fuck?"

"You're not going anywhere, bitch. You stay here where I can keep an eye on you so I can kick you out myself."

"Wow, such choice of words, Patricia," I said as I yank my arm free. "Let me tell you something. Tell dad to not come after me because I won't be here."

"What?" Patricia blinks at me. And without saying anythjng further, I finally turn around to leave but I guess God had other plans for me because she yanks me back again. And this time I let her have it. I slap her as hard as I can. She cups her cheek and looks at me, shocked. Turning around, I head outside with my luggage, finally free.

------------------------------------------------------------

It is now the day of my flight and I'm triple checking my bags to see if I missed anything. "Will you stop with that? You're giving me a headache," Luna says, playing on her phone.

"I just want to make sure I have everything," I said, looking at the time. "I have one more hour till I'm supposed to leave."

"For the last time, I know. I'm driving you there." Luna rolls her eyes while still on her phone.

Doing one more glance, my phone rings but I ignore it knowing it's from my dad. He's been trying to get in contact with me ever since I left. I had no intention of having any kind of communication with a man who never defended me. It rings again so I turn my phone on silent and try to kill time until it's time to go.

*50 mins later*

Luna and I are on our way to the airport. We got food to eat on the way to help ease my nerves. Even though I was moving to Seoul 2 months prior, it would be give me time to scout the area. I was excited to live in a new country and even more excited since I knew Korean.

We park, get my luggage out from the car and walk inside the airport. I get checked in, my luggage finally move forward leaving me with my backpack as my carry-on. As Luna and I head towards the gate number, I start getting a bit emotional.

As I stand in front the gate number, I let out a breath but it comes out shakey. "This is it." I turn around and hug Luna, sobbing.

She hugs me back, chuckling. "It's alright, bestie. I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss our silly time together." I cry more as she pats my back.

Once I calm down, I give her one more hug before saying final goodbyes as I finally head inside to board the plane. Once inside the plane, I find my designated window seat and finally sit. As I look out the window, I watch as the workers put all the luggage in another plane. I take my phone out of my bag. Immediately, my phone display lights up, my dad's name on the screen. Sighing, I pick up. "Yeah?"

"Becca? Thank god. I have been trying to get a hold of for the past few days!"

"And?" I was completely annoyed at this point.

"Where are you? We're worried about you. You even gave Patty a scare when you left."

I decide to be upfront. "Look, Jack," I say, leaning back. "From today onwards, you won't hear from me. You can ask everyone you know and you won't find me. So it's better if you focus on the other family of yours instead."

"What? What do you mean?" Jack asks.

"Goodbye." He starts to protest but I hang up and turn my phone off.

The plane finally departs and goes on the runway to prepare to fly. When it finally picks up speed, I smile as it takes off. I'm finally free.

[paradox-psyc-hoe-sis]

5 + 1; Bucky Barnes

(Five times Bucky Barnes almost kissed you, plus the one time that he did)

Bucky x reader, avengers x reader ,(platonic)

Warnings: a lil bit of swearing :)

Word count: 4.4 k (I'm sorry)

A/n: I LOVED WRITING THIS SO MUCH! I'm back at it again with my obsession with James Barnes, so here it is. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy it! - Aphrodite :))

(1) "C'mon James, you need to go to bed!" Bucky was sprawled out on the sofa in the Avengers common area, face pale and clammy. You had been with the avengers for a year, and Bucky was definitely the person you were closest with. You didn't know if you saw him as a brother, a best friend or even something more, but you both definitely felt connected.

"Y/n," he groaned, "I'm fine. I've survived Russian medical tests and torture, a little cold is something I can handle." He sniffed and wiped his nose on a tissue, putting it into his jumper pocket. He looked seriously in pain, his forehead sparked beads of sweat and his eyes looked tired, almost hollow.

"Firstly, it's not a cold, it's the flu." You stated, picking up a few stray tissues and throwing them into the bin a few meters away. "Secondly, if you don't go to bed now I will carry you, and God knows neither of us want that." You glared at him, expression stern with your hands on your hips.

"Good god, you're beginning to turn into Steve." He muttered, rising from the sofa. Heaving in pain, you put his arm over your shoulders and helped him to his room.

Once you got to Bucky's room, he sat on the edge of the bed. You stayed at the door, holding onto the door frame. "Right, change into your pyjamas and get comfy in bed. I'm going to the medical bay to get you some cold & flu meds, a thermometer and a glass of water. I'll be back in two secs."

Once you left, Bucky took off his jumper and sweats, to be left in a black tank top and his boxers. He flopped into bed, pulling the blanket up to his waist. You returned after a few minutes, not bothering to knock on the door. You spend more time in his room than yours, and you knew he didn't mind your presence.

Panting, you set down a small glass of water and a box of tablets, holding a small thermometer and cloth in the other hand. He looked up at you, puzzled at your breathlessness.

"Ran into Tony...on the way...had to run away...so he wouldn't ask me why...I had medicine and stuff." You took a few deep breaths and plopped onto the bed, sitting cross-legged facing Bucky. Taking the dry cloth, you gently patted at his forehead, mopping up a small bit of sweat. You continued to do this, moving a few stray pieces of hair from his face and tucking them behind his ear, until he looked a bit better. Although you were both silent, an awful lot of eye contact was held, and that was a conversation all in its self.

"Thank you, y/n." Bucky looked serious, as if there was something he really wanted to tell you. Laughing, you popped two cold & flu tablets out of a packet and placed them on the nightstand. "Jeez, don't get all soft on me now. You're not dying, Buck, I just want to make sure you're alright!" You grabbed the thermometer and held it up to his mouth. "This won't taste good, but once this is over I will definitely make you some soup. Open wide..."

Bucky smiled, shaking his head. "I have arms, y/n, I can do this mys-" you shut him up by shoving the thermometer into his mouth, laughing when he almost choked on it. As he re-adjusted the thermometer, you placed a hand on his forehead. He relaxed under your touch, closing his eyes; he was definitely burning up, his forehead was far warmer than your hands.

You took the thermometer from his mouth and brought your hand back from his head. Bucky opened his eyes, and you gave him a sigh. "Yep, you've definitely got a fever. You need to rest, I'll come and check on you soon...maybe put on a movie? Anything to distract you, really. Okay?" Bucky nodded, sitting up a bit more. You leant in and gave him a hug, and placed a kiss on his cheek. You pulled away slightly, your foreheads inches away. You leaned into his touch, his hands holding your arms, but stood up when you realised what was happening.

"I...I'll see you soon, Buck." And with that, you were gone.

(2) The clock read 6:14. The smell of marinara sauce and french cheese wandered around the avengers tower, making you grow more and more hungry by the second.

One minute. One minute, and you'd be able to stuff your face with Wanda's signature pasta. One more minute and you'd be in pasta heaven. One more minute.

You began to grow impatient, the ticking of your clock driving you insane. You paced in your room, mouth watering at the thought of the delicious dinner waiting for you. 30 seconds.

Your stomach growled like a tiger hunting it's prey. You opened your door, an even stronger whiff of Wanda's creation hitting you like a sucker punch. You turned back around to look at the clock - 5 more seconds.

It's almost time.

4 more seconds.

You couldn't wait.

3.

A month's worth of pleasure waiting for you on one plate.

2.

Anticipation bubbled inside of you.

1.

This is it.

The clock turned to 6:15, and you heard Wanada call from the floor below.

"DINNERS READY!"

Racing out of your room, you ran at the speed of light. You knew what was waiting for you, and you weren't going to waste any time getting to it.

Jogging down the stairs, you saw everybody around the kitchen, talking and laughing; you got to the 5th step from the bottom before you ankle buckled underneath you. With a yelp, you twisted and fell, trying to grab the banister for support but failing. However, you didn't fall on the floor, but fell into a pair of arms. Looking up, you saw Bucky grinning.

"You're telling me you can kill 8 Hydra agents with one bullet while fighting off three more at the same time, but when it comes to stairs you forget how to walk?" Tilting your head back in laughter, Bucky tightened his grip, holding you bridal style. Almost falling out of his arms, you threw your hands behind his neck, causing you both to laugh even more. You heard Wanda and Nat laughing with you from the kitchen, but you were only focused on Bucky. After you stopped laughing, you smiled widely, looking back at him.

"The sad part is, you know exactly why I was running down the stairs." He smiled back, eyes glistening. "Mhm," he nodded, rolling his eyes, "you are so desperate to see me that you couldn't help but run!"

Giving him a fake slap on the arm, you chuckled.

"I know, I know. You really want the pasta, don't you?" Nodding, Bucky shook his head. You felt relaxed in his arms, comfortable and secure. He could've put you down a few minutes ago, but you didn't mind. You looked into his eyes and he did the same thing, breath hitching in your throat. Only just realising that your face was particularly close to Bucky's, you felt his gentle breath on your cheek. You closed your eyes as he leaned in closer to you, his hair tickling the side of your face.

"What's up with the lovebirds!?" Tony exclaimed (loudly), walking into the kitchen. Both you and Bucky bolted upright, and you fell out of his arms. Hitting the floor with a smack, you landed face-up.

"Son of a BITCH, that hurt!" You yelled, Bucky rushing to help you up. You all laughed, but something inside you felt disappointed, almost unfulfilled.

(3) after dinner that night, you avoided Bucky for roughly a week. You felt embarrassed, awkward, so you kept your distance. You went down to the training room one day and checked the chart: Wednesday - Sam and Bucky's turn to use the sparring mat. You didn't mind being in the same room, as he'd be focused on training, so you were just going to use one of the machines. When you walked in, you found Bucky on the treadmill - Sam wasn't there. Luckily, Bucky hadn't noticed you yet, so you turned around and slowly walk away. Before you were fully out of the door, you heard Bucky call your name.

"Y/n!" Sighing, you turned back around and gave Bucky a tight smile. "I thought today was your turn to train with Sam?" You asked, placing the water bottle and small towel that you were carrying on one of the benches and crossing your arms, becoming conscious that you were only wearing shorts and a sports bra; it was summer, after all.

He smiled and wiped his forehead with his own towel, stepping off the machine. "Yeah, Sam didn't feel so good and had to cancel. Thought I'd come here on my own, but you're here now, right? D'you want to spar?" Your mind raced, you knew there was no getting out of this one.

"Sure thing. I train with Nat anyway and I definitely need a break from her Russian spy tricks." He laughed as you both stepped onto the training mat. "Is now a bad time to remind you that I'm trained in Russian spy tricks?" You smiled, genuinely relaxed. "Maybe not."

Not a second had gone by and you had already started sparring. You kicked him on his side, he punched you in the throat, you pushed him onto the floor, he took you with him with a swift move of his leg. You both jumped up and started all over again, even more vigorous. You went to punch him on the side of his face, but he grabbed your wrist before it met his cheek. "Try again."

With your free arm, you elbowed him above the shoulder and punched him in the nose. In retaliation, you recieved a blow to the stomach, but you were quick to push him up against the wall and lock him there with your arm against his throat. You leaned in close and whispered in his ear.

"I've been wanting to kick your ass all week."

He quickly flipped you over, and you pressed your back against the wall. He pinned your arms up above your head with one hand and held your waist with the other. You tried to kick him away, but his legs were pressed flatly against yours. He leaned in even closer.

"Yeah? Hit me with your best shot."

His words were a mix between whisper and a grunt, which sent a shiver down your spine. However, you knew his weakness. You pressed your forehead against his, and his grip weakened slightly. Just before your lips were about to touch his, you raised your leg and hit him in the crotch with your knee. He stumbled backwards, giving you the perfect opportunity to strike him in the chest. He went toppling to the side, falling heavily onto the floor. Calmly, you walked over and looked down at him.

"Is that the best you can do?"

(4) summer came and went in a flash, and before you knew it, the trees had lost their leaves and everything was a warm shade of red and orange. It was a late autumn evening and you had been reading in bed. It was far to cold for pyjamas, so you wore joggers and one of Bucky's knitted jumpers that you had stolen a few months ago, it smelled exactly like him. Turning your bedside light off, you glanced at your clock, which read 10:53. Laying down, you soon fell into sleepy doze, the sound of rain patterning against your window aiding your sleep.

You must have been asleep for almost an hour before you were woken up. Light streamed into your room from the open door in front of you, and you saw the silhouette of somebody crouched down by the side of your bed.

"Hmm?" You sat up and rubbed your eyes, adjusting to the light. The person sat next to you on your bed and you immediately knew who it was.

Bucky.

He looked a bit guilty for waking you up, but his eyes looked sorrowful and ridden with regret.

"Nightmares again?" You tiredly asked, placing a hand on Bucky's shoulder. He nodded, avoiding your gaze; his hair was pinned back into a bun, and his hands shook slightly. Usually, when Bucky had nightmares, he'd get into your bed and cuddle you, falling asleep with you by his side. However, you wanted to do something to distract him from his memories, and not just cuddle him. He stood up, about to walk to the other side of your bed before you stopped him. Rolling out from underneath the covers, you walked over to your record player and set up a vinyl. It was a record that Buck had gotten you for your birthday, 'The Best Of The 60s'. Quietly, Elvis began singing one of his ballads as you walked over to Bucky.

Placing your arms behind his neck, you gently swayed to the beat of the music. He cautiously wrapped his arms around your waist and bent down slightly, allowing you to rest your face in his neck. You couldn't be any closer; your torsos were pressed firmly against each other, arms tightly gripping to the other person. As you both rocked back forth, Bucky raised one of his arms up and placed a hand behind your head, holding you closer. You had never felt safer in your life, and you began to think about the man holding you.

When you first met, you could honestly say that you were scared of him. You weren't intimidated by him, but you were terrified that he would snap at you or hate you as soon as you met. You could've never guessed that you'd have the sort of connection that you do, but it worked out brilliantly. After growing more mature with each other, you found it easier to empathise with him. Everything that he had been through - torture, near death experiences, kidnapping, forced murder - you felt the same pain as he did.

Tightening your grip around him, you let out a few tears. You were comfortable crying around him, he never made you feel uncomfortable, yet you really didn't want to break down in this situation. But guess what? You broke down anyway.

The few drops on your cheeks became a river of tears as you thought more about Bucky. Your shoulders heaved, and Bucky noticed instantly. He knew why you were crying, he felt the same pain. He stroked your hair, warm fingertips against your scalp. He lifted your jumper up ,slightly, with his other hand and rubbed circles on the small of your back. Your skin tingled under his burning touch.

Bucky's eyes stung with tears; there was a lingering thought between you both that hung in the air, and he hated seeing you in pain. You pulled back from him, moving your arms to his shoulders. The music stopped a while ago, but you still moved to a shared rhythm. You looked down, but Bucky used his real hand to lift your chin up. His hand was large and warm, radiating heat. He cupped your cheek, and with his thumb, brushed away a few of our tears. You tilted your head into his hand, closing your eyes. In that moment, Bucky would've kissed you. He wanted to lean down and brush your lips with his, run a hand through your hair as he kissed you. Yet he saw the sleepiness in your face, and knew it wouldn't be right.

Putting both arms around your waist, he effortlessly lifted you up, and you wrapped your legs around his hips. He walked you back over to your bed and placed you underneath the soft covers, planting a kiss on your forehead. With a small smile and a 'goodnight', you were back on your own.

(5) three months later, it was almost Christmas, and the avengers had gone all out. The group always did something ridiculously extra over the holidays, and this year Tony had rented out an ice skating rink. It was only a few blocks away from the Avengers tower, so you all took one of Tony's limos down there. You wore a red turtleneck jumper, a plaid skirt and black tights, as the group arranged that the dress code was red. Bucky wore a dark red shirt + hoodie with jeans, and everybody else wore an odd combination of christmas jumpers, cardigans, tee shirts, and (in Steve's case) a red Hawaiian shirt.

In the limo was you, Bucky, Tony, Steve, Natasha, Wanda, Sam, Bruce, Vision and Clint. Everybody was invited, but many had gone home to see their family for the holidays. You all made a pretty nice group, though.

The skating rink was huge, enough to fit hundreds of people. As you all sat outside of the rink putting on your ice skates, Tony asked a very important question.

"How many of you guys can actually skate?"

Out of all 10 of you, only three could say that you've skated before.

"I can." You stated, tying up your laces.

"Same here." Replied Wanda.

"Me too." Said Sam. Everyone looked at him, amused yet puzzled.

"What!? My mom made me go with her when I was a kid, alright?" Everyone laughed, and Sam looked slightly pissed.

Once you were ready, you carefully stood up and took Bucky's arm.

"D'you want to skate with me?" You asked, entering the rink. You flawlessly made your way around the edge, Bucky slipped quite a few times. "How did you get so good at this?" He questioned, clinging onto the barrier for dear life.

"I used to go all the time with my friends, there was a cute little skating rink next to our school." You span around on the ice, landing perfectly on your feet. Bucky tried to leave the wall but fell directly onto his bottom, making you laugh harder than you ever have.

The night went on peacefully as you skated with your friends. Nat and Wanda stayed together the entire time, hand in hand, and every time you looked over at Steve he was on the floor. You and Bucky spent your time skating around the rink together, talking about anything and everything, laughing whenever you saw Steve fall over. You all decided to leave at 9pm, and 9pm seemed to be coming closer by the second. You and Bucky were the last ones left on the rink, everybody else had gone to the limo. Steve sat on the bench outside of the barrier, putting his shoes back on.

"Should we wait for you guys?" He asked, putting his skates back on the shelf.

You glanced at Bucky who had just fallen over and giggled. "Nah, we'll get a taxi."

Steve left, and Bucky got back up. "Come over here." You beckoned him to the centre of the rink where you were stood. He laughed, shaking his head. "And sign my death certificate? No thank you."

"C'mon Buck, you haven't left the barrier all night!" You skated over to him and took his hand. "I'll help you?" He sight and gave you his other hand, and you both slowly skated over to the centre of the rink. "See how easy this is?" You asked as you let go of his hands and span around on the spot. Moments after you let go of his hands, he fell backwards. You didn't realise until too late, and fell over his leg, resulting in you on top of him. You couldn't of landed worse; your legs were straddling his hips, your chests pressed up against each other, your hands on the ice either side of Bucky's head.

Laughing nervously, you gave him an awkward smile and apologised. He sat up, you now sat, facing him, oh his lap. You both thought the exact same thing - now was the perfect time to kiss. Both of you slowly leaned in, and your lips barely brushed before the lights went out. You laughed hysterically, plunged into darkness.

"Shit," Bucky exclaimed, holding onto your hand, "how are we going to get out?"

(6) not a week had gone by before the new year came around, and Pepper had planned a new years eve party. Despite it only being the same eleven of you that spent Christmas together, Pepper told you all she wanted everybody to wear suits and party dresses, so you could have a fancy new years party. It was 8:25pm when you went to the common area. Everything was different; furniture had been moved, there was a soft orange glow from the ambience lights that lit up the room, and the large windows showed the rest of the city below ((the common area looks how it did in the party scene in age of ultron)). You were the last to arrive, and you heard music playing from the common area as you walked down the stairs.

Tony had hired chefs and bartenders, and set up a photo booth in the corner of the room. Fairy lights were strung around the large room, and you heard the sound of Steve, Bucky and Sam laughing together. You wore a floor length, red glittery dress that had a cut on the side, running from the floor to the side of your thigh. Your hair was curled and gently flowed down your shoulders, almost meeting the sweetheart neckline on your dress. Your outfit was complete with a pair of red heels, and you could admit that you looked stunning.

Once you got to the bottom of the stairs, you immediately walked over to Natasha and Wanda who were at the bar. Nat wore a knee length black bodycon dress with spaghetti straps and stilettos, whereas wanda wore a dark purple tiered dress with black wedges. As soon as they saw you, both of their jaws dropped. You blushed, your cheeks matching the red lipstick you wore. "I'm overdressed, aren't I?" You asked, feeling slightly self conscious.

"No way! You look amazing!" Wanda reassured, looking you up and down.

"Wanda's not the only one thinking it." Natasha said as she pointed a finger past your shoulder. You looked behind you and saw Sam, Steve and Bucky staring at you. Steve and Sam merely gaped at your appearance, whereas Bucky grinned at you. Turning back around, you laughed with Nat and Wanda and grabbed a bottle of water from the bartender. Once you got your drink, you walked over to Bucky who was now sat alone on one of the sofas.

"Good evening, James." You spoke in a fake posh accent which made both of you laugh, and you sat down next to him. He wore an all black suit, his hair styled nicely, falling past his jaw. You began talking, but the chit chat didn't last long before Tony arrived from the kitchen.

"Tables set guys, let's eat!"

You sat next to Natasha at the rectangular dinner table, Bucky sitting across from you. Everyone ate steak and salad, and you each went around the table saying what your new years resolution would be. When it got to your turn, you were stumped.

"I don't know...I can't really think of anything." You stated, taking a sip of your glass of white wine.

"Even though we've known you for a year and a half, there's still so much that you haven't told us about yourself." Clint opined. There was a mutual agreement between the rest of the group, but Bucky stayed silent.

"Maybe your new years resolution could be to learn a language?" Sam added, taking a bite of his dinner. Bucky snickered as you turned to face Sam.

"Non penso sia davvero necessario." (I don't think that's really necessary) Everybody looked taken aback at your bilingual secrecy, except Bucky. Instead, he just smiled at you.

After dinner, everybody went back to the common area and danced. After Tony and Steve got defensive about who could dance better, they decided to host a mini dance competition. Bucky looked around, but you were nowhere to be seen. Before anybody could notice he was leaving, he snuck out of the room and down the corridor. It took him a few minutes before he saw you out on the balcony, staring up into the night sky.

"What's up?" He asked as he stepped out into the cold breeze, placing an arm around your shoulder. You tilted your head to rest on his arm, and sighed, your breath forming a little cloud of steam. "I'm just thinking about that delicious chocolate ice cream." Bucky laughed, thinking back to the ice cream everybody had for dessert. "I don't blame you, it was very nice." He spoke, voice calm and sweet.

"Hmm" you sight contently. Bucky felt the goosebumps on your arms and pulled away.

"Here." He said, taking off his blazer and handing it to you.

"Thank you, Buck." You replied, wrapping it around your cold arms.

"Wait..." He paused, looking at your face. "Mhm, you've got a bit of chocolate ice cream in the corner of your mouth!" He laughed as you wiped around the side of you lip.

"Gone?" You asked, examining your clean finger. "Nope, try again." You breathed out, swatting at your mouth again, but your finger always came back clean. "Can you get it off for me?" You asked him, and he smirked.

"Sure thing, y/n."

He leaned in close to you and crashed his lips onto yours. His lips were dry and he kissed roughly, making your soft lips turn to jelly under his. Your hands found his neck, and his your waist as you ran a few fingers through his hair. He pulled you closer, deepening your kiss, as you sighed into his mouth. You weren't quick to pull away, making sure you savour the feeling of his lips against yours. You smiled at him as he looked at you, pure admiration in his eyes.

"You don't know how fucking long I've been waiting to do that."