#maybe i'm just being selfish because i lost like 2 friends this year but like :(

[hyunniesgirl]

Another Love | Part 4

Summary: you've been hopelessly in love with Han since you were children. One night you confess your feelings to him.

Words count: 6,639

Warnings for this chapter: angst(as usual)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

A/N: I'm sorry it took me a bit longer to write this part, I'm just in a weird place right now. I'm doubting a lot about my skills as a writer and that leads me to believe everything I write sucks so this was a bit harder to write, I hope you all like it though.

Jisung has been dreaming about you lately. Going back to every little memory he has with you, watching all the signs you gave him while he was oblivious to you, to your feelings.

It's been almost a week since Han ended things with Lia. The things she said are still stuck in his head, he can't be in love with you. Not after rejecting you. Not after everything you went through to get over him. Not now, when you're happy with someone else.

Things are going back to the way they were before, except that now your roles are reversed, he's the one hanging on your every word and movement, all the little details about you look fascinating to him. He's never felt this way before.

You're not avoiding him anymore. Things fell into place slowly, you started having dinner together again, talking about your day. Then you got back to making coffee for him in the morning, waking him up with the nice scent so he wouldn't be too grumpy woking up so early.

He has a mission now: to stop these strange thoughts he's having. Even if he is indeed feeling this way about you, he lost his chance. He knows he did. Right now, he wants to focus on being a good friend to you, the same as he was before the confession happened.

Jisung just didn't expect how he would feel seeing you with Jeongho again. You invited all your friends to dinner in a nice restaurant, to officially introduce your boyfriend to everyone.

This must be how you felt seeing him with all his previous partners, you must have felt this ache in your chest, as if someone was holding your heart and squeezing it to their heart's content.

You look pretty, hair tied in a ponytail and a dress he never saw before, maybe it's a gift from your boyfriend, he wouldn't know. He avoids talking about your relationship, too selfish to handle the same pain you did for so many years.

Your friendship is getting back to what it was, even though he screwed up really badly, you were the bigger person and forgave him, so he has no right feeling this way about you.

Jisung knows it would be better for you and for him if you didn't come back to the apartment but he's too greedy, he wants you close to him.

This whole problem began because he was greedy, afterall. He didn't want to stay away from you, then he hurt you again and again trying to fix things. Now he just wants to make things right, he just wants you to be happy.

You're smiling so brightly it actually makes his heart skip a beat. He sips from his drink, trying to calm his heart a bit and watch as the others try to make small talk.

“So how did you meet y/n?” Chan asks Jeongho.

“I had the biggest crush on her in middle school but she mercilessly rejected me”, Jeongho answers, looking at you and smiling playfully.

“I thought he had lost a bet or something”, you defend yourself.

“Why would you think that?” Han asks, surprised and you stare at him for a second before shrugging. Of course Jisung was not the only reason for you to reject Jeongho, you were just learning about your feelings at that time. You just couldn't get your head around why someone older and handsome like Jeongho would want to have anything to do with you.

“Y/N was one of the prettiest girls in our school”, Han comments, not understanding why you would feel like that.

He always thought you were pretty, that's why he always complimented you and gave you clothes saying they would look good on you.

“I think teenagers are just insecure. I guess it's part of growing up”, you sip from your wine glass.

Jisung never thought you were insecure about anything by the way you carried yourself with your head high, always so sure about everything you put your mind into. Maybe there's too much he doesn't know about you.

The rest of the dinner goes well, your friends are being nice and trying to make Jeongho comfortable, you're happy about it. Everything seems to be falling into place with your best friend by your side being his normal self and your boyfriend, the guy you're falling in love with being just perfect. Your heart is finally healing, you're moving on, things are working out. You couldn't wish for anything else, you just want things to stay like this forever.

“Are you happy?” Jisung asks when you're outside the restaurant, Jeongho stepped out to take a call from work and left you and your friends alone. One by one they called it a night, saying their goodbyes and leaving you and Han alone.

You stare at him for a moment before answering.

“Yes, I am”, you're not sure why he wants to know and not even sure why you're thinking so much before answering.

Jisung smiles, a sincere and bright smile.

“I'm glad”, he says, “I want you to be happy”

You are a bit taken aback, you didn't expect him to react this way, he almost sounds like a grown up now.

“Thanks, I-”

“I'm sorry I kept you waiting”, Jeongho's voice cuts you out. He slides his arm over your shoulders pulling you closer.

“I should get going”, Jisung says, turning his gaze away from you and your boyfriend.

“Aren't you going home?” You ask and he shakes his head, he's not sure if he can stay at the same place with you two for much longer. “Oh, are you going to Lia's?”

There's not a bit of discomfort in your face, so he just nods. He's not sure if now is the best moment to tell you about his situation with Lia.

“Okay, see you tomorrow then”, you hesitate, not sure if it's appropriate, but you try not thinking too much, throwing your arms around him, squeezing him into a hug. You would never think twice about hugging him before your confession, there's no need for you to make it awkward now.

You're trying to get things back to the way they were and Jisung notices that, he's grateful. So the only thing he can do is wrap his arms around your waist, hugging you back.

Jisung didn't want to lie, but he's afraid it may be uncomfortable to you if he says he's not with Lia anymore. And he's afraid you'll be able to see right through him, see that he is giving in to the strange feelings he's trying so hard to avoid.

He ends up sleeping on Chan's couch, if he could call that ‘sleeping’. Everytime he closes his eyes, you show up in his mind, smiling, making a joke, just looking at him. Everytime he finally managed to fall asleep, you would be there, together with your boyfriend, giggling and kissing him while Jisung just watched. He would wake up sweating and stare at the ceiling for at least ten minutes before trying to sleep again.

>><<

After pondering what he wanted to do from now on, Jisung decided he should have some closure with Lia. He didn't like the way things ended with her, he really liked her until a certain point and above all, she is a good person. Even though he didn't want to, he ended up hurting her and he should apologize for that.

Awkward. That's the best word to explain the situation that Jisung finds himself in right now. Lia is on the other side of the table, glaring at him like she could kill him with the power of her mind.

“What is it that you want?” She asks, coldly.

He clears his throat, trying to gather some courage.

“I want to apologize”, he says, “I shouldn't have lead you on even though I already knew something was not right”, sighing he looks at her, biting his lower lip, “I'm just… confused, I ended up hurting you in the middle of this mess and I'm really sorry”

Lia looks at his eyes, staring deeply. She can feel his sincerity but she's not sure if only an apology is enough to make up for the pain he caused. She's not crazy, she knows people can't control how they feel most of the time. Maybe if he just admits he likes you, she'll feel at ease.

“So, have you finally accepted that you're in love with y/n?”

Jisung thinks for a bit, trying to put what he is feeling into words.

“I don't know if love is the right word”, he says, fidgeting with his fingers, “but I'm feeling some weird things around her, when she smiles or laughs, or even when she's doing nothing”, he covers his mouth with his hand in a slap, wide eyes, realizing he is talking about being in love with someone else with the girl that likes him.

Lia chuckles.

“It's alright, I'm pretty sure that's the definition of love though”, she sighs looking at Jisung. “Maybe you never felt that before”

It's not easy for her to be kind and comprehensive at the moment, but it's not like being mean is going to make him like her back. She's not actually even sure if she wants that anymore. Maybe her heart just accepted things ended, maybe she was already preparing herself for this since Han started acting differently, but the pain is not as great as she thought it would be. Maybe seeing him naively admitting his feelings made her have some sympathy for the mess he made of his relationship with you, maybe she didn't like him as much as she thought.

Since the beginning, there were too many maybes in this relationship. Lia knows she deserves better, she deserves someone who's sure about her, no maybes.

“I think I can forgive you, yeah”, she chuckles seeing Jisungs shocked face, “not now, obviously”, with a sigh, she looks deeply into his eyes, “you were always great to me before things started going wrong and I know you're not a bad person”, she stands up, “I'm actually feeling bad for you, with the mess you created I have no idea how you're going to fix it, but I'll cheer for you”, she puts her hand in his shoulder, squeezing it in reassurance. Lia leaves Jisung there, stuck in his head once more. At least that is something they both have in common, because he sure doesn't know how he's going to keep these strange feelings under control while fixing his relationship with you.

>><<

If Jisung had to rate his acting skills, he would be proud to say he deserves an award. He's succeeding at pretending not to be in love with you while maintaining a healthy friendship.

It's almost the same as it was before, except Jisung has to watch his every move. He's trying to act normal while trying to crush the onslaught of feelings in his chest everytime you laugh at one of his jokes, or when you just talk about your very normal day.

You both do your things during the day, have dinner together and talk or watch something before sleeping, that's your routine when Jeongho is not visiting.

You've been watching your phone lately, more than usual, is there something wrong? He's sure you're just waiting for Jeongho's call. Jisung has lost count of how many nights he spent listening to your laughs on the phone with your boyfriend, wishing it was him making you happy like that.

It's true, he's struggling. He's not sure how you managed to like him for so long without freaking out, because he's about to collapse and it's been just about a month since he came to terms with his feelings.

He feels bad just thinking about how much you must have suffered because of him, before and after your confession. Guilt is eating him alive, along with heartbreak.

He's been watching you for a while now, you are washing the dishes while talking about these kids you tutor and how smart they are, he's staring at you with heart eyes—you're not seeing—while he dries the dishes.

“I'm sure they can only learn so fast because it's you teaching them”, Jisung says.

You giggle to his compliment, bumping a shoulder into his.

“Should we watch a movie before going to bed?” You ask, drying your hands on your apron.

“I'm actually kinda sleepy”, Jisung laughs, he can only keep his feeling bottled for so long, he doesn't want to get careless and blurt out everything. He knows that if he gets too comfortable he'll feel at ease and you were always too good at making him tell you what's on his mind.

“Let's do it another time then”, you shrug, taking your phone out of your pocket and smiling when the screen brightens with Jeongho's name.

Han feels his chest tighten, he wants to throw up, he wants to cry, he wants to plead for you to not like someone else. But he can't do any of those things, not when you're so happy. So he won't be selfish, he'll think about you first and keep his distance.

>><<

It's been almost a month since the last time you saw Jeongho. He was not able to come by on the usual weekends because the company he works for is opening a new branch somewhere and he is involved in the project.

He's been busy, texting less and not even calling, so you start getting insecure. What if he's getting cold feet about your relationship? Maybe he met someone more interesting who's near him.

No. Jeongho wouldn't be like that. He would break up if he didn't like you anymore, you know him enough to know that.

When he calls saying he's coming to see you, you feel excited once again. You knew you were mistaken, it's not right to presume the worst just because he's a bit more busy. It must be nothing.

You just can't shake the feeling that you were going through the calm before the storm and now the bad weather is finally coming.

He's waiting for you at the restaurant of the hotel he's staying in, Jeongho is fidgeting with his fingers nervously, looking around until his eyes land on you. You smile at him, waving at him but he doesn't smile back.

“Hey”, you say, dropping your bag on the chair and sitting, “is there something wrong?”

“I received a promotion”, he says suddenly, he doesn't look happy about it.

“That's great”, you smile, taking his hand into yours to hold it, not really understanding his reaction.

He stares at your hands together, taking a deep breath before speaking again.

“Actually, the company wants me to go to Europe”, Jeongho says, fidgeting with his hands.

“Oh”, you frown, “for how long?”

“They are not sure about the exact period, but-”, he clears his throat, looking around, “they are projecting it to be between five and eight years”, he replies, feeling his breathing quickening.

“They want you to move there?” You repeat it to yourself, trying to absorb the information.

“They are trying to make an entry in the European market, so a team is needed there to develop the new branch”

“Okay, yeah”, you feel dizzy, “we can work with that, hm, I can- we can visit each other”, you nod, trying to organize your thoughts.

“Y/N-”, Jeongho starts, his voice fails and he stops for a moment before continuing. “Long distance works right now because we are a 2 hour flight away from each other, not 12 hours”

“What are you saying?” You feel all the air in your lungs escape, knowing exactly what he means but choosing not to believe it.

“I don't think we can keep doing this, I'm not sure our relationship is going to survive and-”, he sighs, running his hand through his hair, “I won't ask you to come with me”

“Why not? Why won't you ask me?” You plead, feeling tears brimming in your eyes. It's not logical what you're asking of him, but you don't want to hurt anymore, not again.

“How could I? I can't make you leave your whole life here, your family, your friends or college to go to a country where you know no one but me”, he explains, “I’ll be in charge of a large project, I'll have to stay late probably everyday and you're going to stay alone, how could I do that to you?”

“Don't you think that's for me to decide?” You ask, feeling your hands shaking. You put them in between your legs, trying not to show him the sight of your broken heart.

“I can't- I can't carry that guilt with me”, he says, “not knowing how happy you are here, if you go with me and things end up not working out I could never forgive myself”

“What if things work out? What if we are happy together forever? Did you consider it for a moment?” You ask, he's not looking at you. Jeongho is trying to hold his own tears, trying to be strong for you, “I guess this relationship is not worth you considering it”, you stand up, grabbing your bag.

He lifts his eyes to look at him, finding your quivering lips and the tears flooding from your eyes.

“Well, good luck then”, you tell him, turning around and walking out.

After walking far enough from the hotel, you let yourself crouch on the floor, scaring the people walking by. You are sobbing, trying to wipe the tears from your eyes, but they keep coming continuously.

You stand up again, walking, what are you supposed to do now? When are things going to finally get better for you? Since you confessed to Jisung things got worse over and over, you should have never told him about your feelings, maybe your life would have stayed the same.

The hurt you felt seeing him with other people was a pain you were already used to, but this? This is excruciating, it's the same all over again, the same as when Jisung rejected you. Will you ever feel complete again?

It's 3 a.m, Jisung went to the studio to work for a bit and to try to forget about everything else. His phone buzzes in his pocket, when he looks at the screen, your name is there. He doesn't think twice about answering, just to find your drunk voice on the other side of the call. He can't understand a thing you're saying just that you'll share your location with him.

He grabs the keys to his car, running to the parking lot, he drives for about thirty minutes until arriving where you are. The bar is empty, there are only employees cleaning and you're laying on the counter, unconscious.

“It's been a while since we closed, but we let her stay inside since it looks like she went through something”, the bartender tells Han when he gets closer.

“Thank you”, Jisung says, before trying to wake you up with no success. He sighs, looking around and thinking about what to do.

He slides one of your arms around his neck, putting one of his hands behind your back for support and the other underneath your knees, lifting you up.

Your face is puffy, he can see it now that he's looking so closely, you probably cried a lot but what would make you cry like that?

Jisung glances at you a few times during the ride home. You groan, whining something in your sleep, even crying a bit. That makes him even more worried.

He repeats the process of picking you up when he parks in front of your apartment, carrying you inside. You whimper all the way to the apartment, he knows you can wake up at any moment.

Han sits you on your bed, taking your coat off and helping you lay down, covering you with a blanket after taking off your shoes. Your makeup is all smeared, so he picks a wet tissue and starts rubbing your face, trying to take off everything he can.

You open your eyes slowly, seeing Jisung with a focused expression while whipping your face.

“What are you doing?” You ask, making him jump. He was so concentrated he didn't even see you waking up.

“I was trying to take your makeup off”, he says, “it's not good for you to sleep with it on your face”

“How did I come home?” You look around, stumbling a bit over your words.

“You don't remember calling me?” He asks and you shake your head. “I went to the bar to pick you up”

Jisung is still whipping your face while he talks, that's when you remember why you were in the bar in the first place and tears run out of your eyes again.

“What happened? Why are you crying like this?” He asks worriedly, helping you sit on the bed.

“I don't- everything goes wrong for me”, you say, sobbing. “Maybe I'm the problem”

Jisung sighs, pulling you into a hug and holding you tightly, feeling your tears soak his shirt. He's worried and doesn't know what to do, should he call Hannah? Or Jeongho? Jisung knows you went to meet with him earlier… wait, did that guy do this to you?

After you stop sobbing for a while, Jisung realizes you fell asleep in his embrace. He lies you on the bed, covering you with the blanket once more. He leaves a glass of water and some hangover medicine on your nightstand so you can take in the morning and prepares his bed on the floor.

You wake up to the bright sunlight coming from the window, your head hurts like crazy and you're so thirsty it seems like a thousand years since you last drank something.

You take the hangover medicine and the water, while sitting down, still a bit dizzy. When your feet touch the floor, it's not the hard ground they meet but something soft. Why is Jisung sleeping by your bedside?

He doesn't look a bit comfortable, although he seems fast asleep. You start poking him, trying to make him wake up, causing your friend to jump and hold your arm.

“Are you alright?” He asks, eyes widened.

You frown at the sight, it's been a while since you last saw Jisung this startled.

“Yeah”, you answer and he can finally let out the breath he didn't even notice was being held. “Why are you sleeping on the floor?”

He looks around for a bit as if he didn't understand why you were asking such a thing.

“Oh, I- hm- I was afraid you would need something so I stayed here just in case”, he tells you and you nod.

It's not an uncommon occurrence for you two to do this kind of thing, even when you were living with your parents. When one of you got sick, it was a tradition to stay by each other's side until the other felt better.

When you moved in with him, naturally, your drinking habits grew since you didn't have to worry about your parents anymore. Jisung was responsible for taking care of you when you came home wasted after partying with Hannah or even when you drunk with him and the boys, he made sure to stay sober enough to still be able to take you home and help you get to your room safely.

“Oh”, you answer, “thank you”

He kept staring at you, waiting for something you're not sure what is.

“Do you want to talk about the reason you got wasted last night?” He asks, awkwardly and the pain comes back all at once.

It was so nice, the period of numbness after waking up from a deep sleep, you wish you could keep feeling that way. Now, your hands are trembling again, just like last night, tears are brimming in your eyes and your lips are quivering. It's obvious to Jisung, you're trying not to cry.

He gets up, collecting the things he used to sleep, without looking at you, he doesn't want to make you any more uncomfortable.

“We don't have to talk about it”, he says, putting the blanket and pillow back in your wardrobe. “Do you want me to call Hannah?” He asks and you stare at him for a moment, nodding to his question, not really wanting to look at your phone.

You're scared Jeongho contacted you, you don't want to see him. But more than anything, you're scared he didn't try talking to you at all, because that means everything is really over.

It's pathetic, you know that break ups happen. But Jeongho was the first guy to ever make you feel the closest to what you ever felt for Jisung, no other could do that and you're scared no one ever will.

Hannah gets to your place about an hour after Jisung called her. She's huffing, hair messed up and puffy face.

“Were you sleeping?” You ask her and she takes a deep breath, seeing that you're okay.

“I'm going to kill that guy”, she yells out of the door to your room, “he made it seems like you were dying or something”

“If I was dying I'm pretty sure he would have taken me to the hospital”, you point out.

Hannah rolls her eyes, dropping her bag on the floor. Closing the door, she walks slowly to sit on your bed, she can clearly see that you cried a lot.

“So, did something happen?” She asks, you avoid her gaze, looking at anything but her face. You find your fingers much more interesting than any part of this conversation, actually. So you pay attention to them, playing on your lap.

“It's nothing”, you answer.

Hannah sighs, if you don't want to talk about it, it means it's bad.

“We don't have to talk about it right now”, she stretches her hand, taking yours and squeezing it. “But you will have to talk about it eventually”

It's your time to sigh now, she's right, you know that, but talking about it makes it real and you don't want it to be real.

“Jeongho broke up with me”, you rip the bandaid all at once.

Hannah gasps, she's speechless. How can this be? She thought he was head over heels for you, so why?

“His company is sending him to Europe and he doesn't want to do long distance”, you feel the tears brimming into your eyes again, voice cracking, “or take me with him”

It's the first time in her life Hannah doesn't know what to say. Your love life is such a mess, worse than hers, so she doesn't have any advice or any comfort to give you.

“Honey, I…”, she tries, but what is she supposed to say? ‘I am sorry?’, that's not it, ‘he is an asshole?’ nothing of the sort.

Looking from outside the situation, Jeongho is being logical, they still are in their honeymoon phase of the relationship, everything is perfect at that time. For most people, problems start to arise after some time. However, when you're in love, you don't want logical outputs, you want what your heart wants.

Hannah is saved by a knock on the door. Han's head pops inside the room and he observes for a moment trying to assess the situation.

“I bought some things you like”, he says, “I'll be going out, so you have the apartment all to yourselves”

He wants you to feel comfortable right now, he doesn't know exactly what happened but you're sad. Jisung knows just letting you enjoy your afternoon with Hannah in the apartment is not going to make things better for whatever is making you feel so down, but he knows you are going to feel livelier after some time with Hannah.

He goes out with Hyunjin, who's buying a present for his mother. It's hot, so if his friend didn't ask very nicely he wouldn't have accepted to go to the mall, since they have to wear hoods and masks. The fact that you're home, crying your eyes out for something he has no clue about, made him want to go out too. It hurts seeing you sad and it's even worse because he can't do anything about it, not when he doesn't know what's happening.

They are looking at bags, maybe he should get you something? You are not really a materialistic person, he's not sure if giving you an expensive present is going to help at all, maybe he should get you that webtoon print you've been talking about, they should definitely have it in the bookstore next door.

When Jisung turns around to tell Hyunjin they should stop at the bookstore, he sees Jeongho. He's looking at bags too, trying to figure out which one he should choose.

Is he giving you a gift too? Maybe he did something and you fought, that's why you were crying so much. Even remembering the way you cried as soon as you woke up makes his heart ache.

Jisung walks to Jeongho, not sure how to initiate a conversation but he feels like he should try and help in some way.

“Hey”, he says, watching Jeongho turn around and look at him.

“Jisung, how are you doing?” He asks, arms crossed in front of chest.

“Fine, are you choosing a gift for y/n?” He asks, awkwardly, “I don't think she likes purple”, he points out observing the bags Jeongho was looking at.

“It's actually for my mother”, he clears his throat, frowning, “didn't y/n tell you?”

“Tell me what?” Jisung asks, confused and Jeongho nods.

“So she didn't”, he sighs, “we broke up”, he struggles to say it.

Jisung's eyes dart directly to Jeongho's face, now he can see the eyebags on his face and how tired he looks.

“Why?” Jisung panics, you shouldn't have to go through another heartbreak.

“I don't think it's something you should know about, if she didn't tell you”, Jeongho shrugs.

“Well, can't you fix it? Whatever it is that is wrong?” He asks, carefully.

Jeongho sighs, he wishes there was something he could do about it, but he's a coward who's too afraid of taking such a big step in the beginning of a relationship.

“I’m afraid I can't”, he says, “take care of her”

Jisung is speechless, he has no idea what to do, so he just watches as Jeongho chooses a gift and walks tiredly out of the store.

Jisung arrives after killing some time outside, he was out for almost the entire day and hopes that you could enjoy a bit of your day with Hannah. He doesn't know if he should bring up his encounter with Jeongho or if he should talk about what your, now ex, boyfriend told him.

He shouldn't mention it, if you didn't tell him about it, it's because you're not ready for you to know and he gets that. Han is not sure about what he's feeling. It hurts his heart to see you in so much pain but he doesn't want to overstep the boundaries you're setting.

So when he enters the house, he sees you and Hannah watching a movie, he greets you both and goes to his room. You clearly cried more since he left and he won't be able to stay in your presence without trying to comfort you.

>><<

Things are difficult for you at the moment. Even though your love for Jeongho never got to its full potential, it's still love. You're mourning what you could have had with him had things been different, you wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep anymore, feeling your chest hurting and remembering it's over.

It all sank in when he didn't contact you anymore, you're sure he's hurting too but you had hoped that you two could find a solution around this cruel puzzle.

“Should we go out?” Hannah asks while you're watching a drama, burying your sorrows in ice cream.

“I'm not really in the mood”, you say. You haven't cried for some time now, you're too tired, maybe your tears finally dried up.

“I know you don't feel like it”, Hannah sighs, looking at your apathetic face, worriedly, “but I think you should have some fresh air, you have been stuck in this apartment for a week now, it's not healthy”

You sigh, she's right, you know she is, but you can't really find the strength to doll up and go out.

“We don't have to go to a party or anything crowded”, she says, seeing the resigned look on your face. “We can just go to a cafe or something, anything”, she pleads.

You nod, sighing in defeat, maybe a walk can really lift your mood a bit.

Hannah jumps out of the sofa, taking the ice cream from your hands. She talks excitedly about what kind of things you two can do but can't really follow what she's saying, your head is still numb.

You walk around for a bit, looking at clothes in the stores nearby, doing just about anything to think of anything but your break up.

It's already night when you two decide to eat something, there's this restaurant that's kinda hidden so there's not many people eating when you arrive. It's not the first time you eat there, it's a nice and cozy place so you come by when you're needing a little bit of peace.

“Y/N?” You hear a familiar voice calling you, making you turn around to find Lia. She's smiling, there's a man accompanying her. “It's been a while”, she says after telling the man to look for a place for them to sit.

“Hey, yeah it does”, you smile politely. Lia can see the huge eyebags you have and the wide eyes your friend has looking at her.

“Are you alright?” She asks, noticing you barely touched your food.

“Yeah”, you lie, “what about you?” You ask, eyeing the guy who's now looking at his phone while waiting for Lia.

“I'm okay”, she smiles shyly, “it's not easy, you know? But I'm trying to move on, meet new people”

You frown, not really understanding what she's talking about.

“I hope we can still be on friendly terms even though Jisung and I are over”, Lia says, regrets immediately when she sees your eyes widen. He didn't tell you. Shit.

“I didn't know you guys were not together anymore”, Hannah is the one to talk, stealing Lia's attention from your shocked face.

“Yeah, hm, it's been a while actually. I thought he would have already told you everything by now”, she says apologetically. “Well, Han Jisung, let's say that now we are even”, she thinks.

“I should probably go!�� Lia points out to the man who's staring impatiently. She waves goodbye to you and walks towards him, afraid she'll tell you something more she's not supposed to.

You find yourself in the dark, seated at the sofa, arms crossed in front of your chest. You can't believe you had to hear from someone other than Jisung about his relationship status. You're mad at him, you were making an effort so things could go back to the way they were so why isn't he acting like he wants that too?

Before, he would tell you everything about his romantic endeavors and even though it hurted, you felt special, knowing every little thing about him. Now, you feel like you know nothing, he's spending less time with you and every time you try doing anything just the two of you, he avoids it like you would jump his bones or something if you stay alone with him for more than two hours.

You may have not gotten over him completely, but you're fine now and for years you could behave yourself, so you're not sure why he's acting like that.

You hear the door being open, Han’s voice comes out in a discussion, he's on the phone. He walks in, putting his phone in his pocket while trying to find his way in the dark. He jumps at the sight of you on the sofa, staring at him with a scowl.

“Jesus christ, y/n”, he says, putting his hand above his heart, “what the hell are you doing there in the dark?”

He turns on the light, turning back at you. You're still staring at him in silence.

“Why didn't you tell me you and Lia are not together anymore?” You stand up, waiting for his answer.

“W-what?” His standing falters and he takes a step back. “How did you know?”

“Clearly I didn't find out from my best friend”, you scoff. “Did you think I would try making a move on you if you are single?”

Jisung frowns, how the hell did you get to that conclusion?

“No, I-”

“I'm sure you already figured Jeongho and I broke up”, you point out, “but you rejected me, I'm over that already”

“I can see why you would think that”, Jisung says carefully, “considering the way I acted when you confessed, but it's not that, I can assure you”

“I'm trying to have a normal relationship with you, you know, but you're just not the same. You don't spend time with me anymore, you don't talk to me about what's on your mind, the only thing I can think is that you're scared of me”

“I'm sorry I made you feel that way, I'm trying to act normally too, it's just-” Jisung cuts himself off, not sure what to say. At the same time he doesn't know what to say to make you stop thinking like that, he's not sure things will get any better if he tells you the truth.

“What's it? Just tell me so I can fix it, please I-”

“I'm in love with you”, he blurts out, hand instantly going to his chest and clenching the place above his heart. “I'm so in love with you it hurts”

You stumble back, almost falling. Did you hear it right?

“I don't think I understand”, you say, frowning, trying to make sense of his words.

“I feel terrible, I rejected you and made you suffer just for me to feel like this now?” He scoffs, “I'm sorry I made you think you are the problem again, but you're not, I am. I'm the one who can't stay close to you because I'm afraid I'll do something that will ruin our friendship”

You get up, trying to function properly after this sudden confession. Never, in your wildest dreams did you think there would come a day when Jisung would actually love you in the way you most desperately once wanted. You fantasized about it for years but you never really thought it would happen for real.

“I can't do this right now”, you say to him, seeing his shoulders slump. The sad look in your face is what he most feared. Jisung didn't expect you to still like him, but it would be a lie to say he didn't have any hope of you telling him he still has a chance.

“I don't expect you to like me back”, he says, voice cracking a bit when he tries to say the words he least want to, “I just don't want you to think I'm avoiding you because of you, it's because of me”

You nod slowly, still not fully recovered from the shock. You walk past him, not saying anything anymore, just entering your room and closing the door silently. This was definitely unexpected.

A/N: If you like what I write please reblog or let me know in the comments, feedback give me motivation to keep writing. Also, you can buy me a coffee.

Taglist(closed):

@hhwangsmoon @weareapackofstrays @shycreationdreamland @adestayskz @skizmee @ca11me3mily @realviviboss @sofix-hc7 @starsandrqindrops @its-hannjisung @redstayrosie @mae-is-cute98 @blithevix @astro-doll-the-star @vlctorriaa @captainchrisstan @rag-iii @notastraykid @jisunghannie @applepie-macaroon @stayingdelulu @sundayysunshine @kidrauhlschik @wolfennracha @meloncremesoda @hanschimpmunk @realrintaro @teejisung @maexc @gyustarzzi @ivaneedssleep @chaeryred @daemon-bunny @broken-glowsticks @ch4nniebang @sleepyleeji @seukijeuxq @luvbangchan @lovesunshinefelix @hyunjins-dimples @castielsfrillywhiteknickers @armystay89 @literallyjustwanttoread @jisunghannie @jungkookies1002 @diorggukie @channieandhisgoonsquad @mamabymychem @ladylexis @bmnyy

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

Sep 5th

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1. Hello :)

I'm looking for this fic where lwj, jwy and maybe some others use wwx's inventions to travel back in time to before wwx was brought to yunmeng after wwx died and both lwj and jwy have all these plans to make wy's life better. lwj wants to bring him to gusu while jwy is planning to make his mother treat him better.

But, plot twist, the years pass and wwx hasn't been found and the time travellers start theorising that because it was his invention, maybe it pulled him back w/ them. later on, my is killed further establishing their theory that wy is alive and avoiding them. this goes on for years until the wen discussion conference when the top shooter is an archer from the wen sect named wei ying. the closing line of this fic was jwy, lwj and the others thinking that the sunshot campaign has been lost before it even started.

Also, there was a flashback showing that wrh's spirit had lingered after his death and he saw everything that happened after. so, when he saw them making the time travel array, he entered and went back with them. also, he was the one who killed my, I think by slitting his throat.

I don't remember if this was a multi chapter fic or not (I'm only like 60% sure it was), but I remember one of the author's notes saying that while jwy is saying that he'll make his mother treat wwx better this time, he knows deep down that this isn't true and that his form of love is selfish.

Hi again. I'm #1 from the sept 5th fic finder and I'm sorry, but it wasn't sunset, sunrise. It was more jwy-centric, and it's implied that wrh is still planning a war

NOT FOUND! Sunset, Sunrise by Ariana Deralte (ArianaDeralte) (T, 41k, WWX & WRH, WangXian, WIP, Time Travel Fix-It, Crack, Temporary Character Death, sorry I killed a-Yuan for a few paragraphs before the time travel, WWX is a Wen, Genius WWX, WRH gets to rewatch the series as a treat, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, in this house we acknowledge that all the sects have flaws, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, WWX Has ADHD, Bad Parents JFM & YZY, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Autistic LWJ)

FOUND? Lost Oppurtunities by Scarlet914 (T, 5k, JC & LWJ, WWX & WRH, Canon Divergence, Time Travel Fix-It, JC Needs a Hug, Sad JC, JC is Bad at Feelings, JC-centric, Golden Core Reveal, Sad LWJ, Sad LXC, BAMF WWX, YLLZ WWX, POV WRH, Qishan Wen Sect Wins the Sunshot Campaign, Gusu Lan Sect, YZY Bashing, Bad Parent YZY, Mentioned JYL, One-Sided WangXian, WWX is a Wen, Inventor WWX, Genius WWX)

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2. hi thank you for all you do! i’m looking for a fic that starts during the cloud recess arc. wei ying steals lan zhan’s clothes/blankets and makes a nest on his bed? and lan zhan notices someone is stealing his laundry but doesn’t immediately realize it’s wei ying? @hashtagad

FOUND! this mattress is a desert island by bbyminmaki (E, 19k, wangxian, A/B/O, no sunshot au, mating cycles/heat, nesting, omega WWX, alpha LWJ, getting together, scenting, pining, friends to lovers)

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3. Hello! I have a request for ficfinder!

I don't remember much about it, but Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian were married (it was not post canon) and Wei Wuxian was walking in the woods at Cloud Recesses without his sword, and Su She attacked him. Wwx was able to dodge Su She's attacks. Su She was insulting Wwx and his relationship with Lwj, and Wwx was taunting him for being jealous. But then Lan Xichen showed up and was really angry at Su She. I think Su She got exiled and Wwx was kind of uncomfortable with that punishment, but the Lans were like "he attacked an unarmed person in the woods, even if you weren't married to Lwj, exile is a light sentence." I cannot for the life of me remember anything else about that fic, just that I think it was kind of long?

Thank you all so much!

FOUND! 🧡 Stunted, Starving Juvenility by TomatenMark (E, 859k, WangXian, WIP, Fix-it of sorts, Talisman master WWX, Not JFM Friendly, Study Arc, Getting together, Fluff and Angst, Engagement) They aren't married yet when that happens, but very engaged.

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4. Hi! This is for fic finder. Ithink this fic is about LWJ and WWX in arranged marriage. I think its for LWJ protection (? Not sure about this part). Then WWX is sent to a war but failed to come back and declared as dead. LWJ become a widow (it is a correct term?). Because he is still young, many pressed him to remarried, but he use a griefing period to avoid that. I think he write a poem and become famous because of those romantic poem and ballad using a fake name. And then near the end there are a negotiation to exchange prisoner and WWX is not one of them (?) It was revealed that someone want him dead and dont want him be rescued (i think it was yxy?). A yuan, who should not be there tells lwj about wwx. Wwx then rescued and the three of them in the inn. As wwx rest there, JWY visited and talked. Lwj then bring wwx and a yuan to his house in capital. I think there are a sheep/goat involved?. Wwx healed but there are some injuries that cant be fully healed. I think because of that he cant do something he was proud of doing. I dont remeber if it was his hand or leg or maybe his eyes?. I think then lqr teach wwx something. Thats all i can remember. Thanks

FOUND! ❤️ Where the nightingales are singing, and a white moon beams. by Moominmammashandbag (M, 52k, wangixan, jin zixuan & lan wangji, no powers au, grief/mourning, aftermath of war, angst w/ happy ending, reunions, fluff & smut)

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5. Hiiii, can u pls help me find a fuc where lwj plays cleansing gor wwx coz if he does that wwx will be free of resentful energy but his body is literally held together by resentful energy so it almost kills him but wen qing saves him and the core secret is also revealed. Pleaseeree help me find it, thanks!

FOUND? 🧡 decay by antebunny (G, 15k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Misunderstandings, Miscommunication, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, the fluffiest ending, Hurt/Comfort)

FOUND?🔒A Heart Undying by NonsensicalRambling (M, 114k, WangXian, Undead WWX, Canon-Typical Violence, canon-typical dead things the burial mounds, Fix-It of Sorts, Canon Divergence, Eventual WangXian, No Yīn Tiger Seal, Morally Gray WWX, Animals Eating People, WWX's questionable choices, Morally conflicted LWJ, Oblivious WWX, WWX Creates a Sect | Yiling Wei, YLLZ WWX, Sect Leader WWX, LWJ & WQ have an Understanding)

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6. Hi! For the fic finder

I have scoured ao3 dark lan zhan tag and similar but I still can't find this fic. I remember Lan Zhan gets like cursed (i think he got the curse from a junior accidentally) and the curse like lowers his self control and amplifies darker urges so he takes wei ying to a cottage to live his domestic dreams but at some point wwx realizes lwj is isolating them and wwx tries to trick him to send a letter to lan sizhui. This doesn't work abd LWJ doesn't realize he is cursed. The curse like hides the mark too i think?? It ends happily I think.

I wonder if I'm mixing fics or it's been deleted bc I just can't seem to find it?? Thank you in anycase!

FOUND! Clouded by diamondbruise (M, 15k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Getting Together, Case Ficish, Curses, Dark LWJ, It's a curse, Dubcon Kissing, Jealousy, Sharing a Bed, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dubious Consent, no sex in this fic just in general)

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7. Hi! This is for fic finder. Qin Su ressurected someone (either wwx or jyl im not sure but i think it was wwx). Whoever in that body now do qin su duty and trying to make her own power without jgy knowing. And then there was a flood. She help people there as expected, but she do her duty too competent. JGY now suspect it was not QS in that body and confront her. Thats all i can remember. Thank you! @idontknowwhattowriteforusername

NOT FOUND!🔒Everyanything by deliciousblizzardshark, lingeringdust (E, 46k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Franken-canon, Gender Identity, Gender Dysphoria, Trans WWX, Protective LWJ, Accidental Baby Acquisition, tCanon-Typical Misogyny, Fluff and Angst, Vaginal Sex, Canon-Typical Major Character Death)

NOT FOUND! the problem with authority by isabilightwood (M, 139k, wangxian, qingli, Canon Divergence, Sacrifice Summon, slightly dark!JYL, wq lives because i said so, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chronic Pain, Mild Sexual Content, Top/Bottom Versatile | Switch WangXian, manipulative relationship (background xiyao))

~*~

8. Hello! I'm trying to remember the name of a long fic where wx are hooking up, no relationship. Wwx will come to lwj's super nice modern apartment, they'll have sex in lwj's big modern bed with a moving headboard that exposes restraints and then after wwx will take a bath and sleep in the guest room. Does this ring any bells?

FOUND? A Sure Thing by vesna (mrsronweasley) (E, 95k, WangXian, Modern, Sugar Daddy, Sex Work, Light Dom/sub, Aftercare, Semi-Public Sex, Exhibitionism, Bondage, use of sex toys, boundary setting, Relationship Negotiation, many baths, Barebacking)

FOUND? show me a quiver, give me tonight by spookykingdomstarlight (E, 115k, wangxian, lwj/others, communication failure, mutual pining, artists, demisexual wwx, angst w/ happy ending)

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9. please help oh wonderful mods : a favorite Cloud Recesses Study AU with injured talisman genius Wy, ace Jin Zixuan, good mother Jin, WY explodes badguy Wen’s heads - couldnt find it again!! @oldoni

FOUND! 🧡 To have and to hold by Moominmammashandbag (M, 78k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Major character injury, CQL verse, Happy Ending)

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10. hi i’m looking for a fic i read a long time ago. it was a post-canon jc & wwx reconciliation fic. i believe it was jc and an oc jiang disciple on a night hunt where they ran into wangxian who were also working on that case. i remember there was some sort of misunderstanding regarding this (i think he found some letter?) but not the exact details of it. one scene i remember clearly was jc finding out wangxian were married and being a little hurt that he wasn’t invited. after they opened up, wwx told him he was there for it and when jc realized he meant the two bows in the jiang ancestral hall, he said smth like jyl would be rolling in her grave and demands a proper ceremony i think @nalalie

FOUND!🔒asunder by alessandriana (M, 51k, JC & WWX, JC & LWJ, WangXian, Post-Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Whump, Twin Prides of Yunmeng Dynamics, Reconciliation, Golden Core Reveal, Violence, Implied/Referenced Torture, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Death, Case Fic)

~*~

11. Hello to fic finder so here's what I'm trying to search for I remember it as a podfic and I remember it was in Lan zhan POV I think and it was like him thinking about wei ying leaving the cloud recesses soon and I remember one Pacific scene where Wei ying was teaching the baby Lan how to sew their clothes

FOUND? [Podfic] And Yet Here You Are by zaffre (T, 1-1.5H, WangXIan, Post-Canon, Domestic Fluff, Location: Cloud Recesses, settling down, LWJ needs a hug, Separation Anxiety, Teacher WWX, People being nice to wwx is my kink, And probably lwj's kink too huh, very light angst, Chief Cultivator LWJ, And Yet Here You Are by cosmicmilktea)

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12. hi! i’m looking for a fic where lan zhan has a type of hanahaki where he has a tree/plant growing roots in his back that he removes a few times. i believe he also worked with textile production and the fic itself had a very stylized writing and was quite angsty. thank you!!

FOUND? The Roots Grow Riotous by hansbekhart (E, 104k, wangxian, modern, fashion au, garment company, casual sex, group sex, implied/referenced cheating, switching, recreational drug use, angst w/ happy ending, single dad WWX, panic attacks, implied/referenced self-harm, grief/mourning, catharsis, body horror, floral horror) is the absolute masterpiece , Roots Grow Riotious by Hans Bekhart , it's taken off ao3. however I have a copy and I've gotten permission to share from the author, DM your email so I can send you a pdf. @/the-marathon-continues-nip

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13. Guys~ I love u blog and am so desperate so I will cut to the chase:

There was this wangxian time travel fic where they meet their younger selfs and go back again. I think it was 7 chapters. Pov was mostly LZ (Young and old) and young Lz was confused about why he "didn't" marry Wwx ( Wwx introduced himself as mo xuanyu)

Hanguang-jun’s Husband by lilacevergarden (T, 6k, Time Travel, post-canon wangxian being disgustingly in love, wwx bullying teenage wangxian, Yeah that’s it, Jealous WWX)

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14. Hello, hope you’re doing well! I’m asking about a fic I read a while back. Lan Zahn and Wei Ying meet as children, but Lan Zahn doesn’t take him back to the cloud recesses. Instead, years later, they meet during the disciples visit to Gusu. Lan Wangji remembers Little Wei Ying as Wei Wuxian, but Wei Ying has no memory of him.

Highlights include drunk lan wangji with other disciples, su she getting punished for trying to assault lan wangji, and more I don’t remember. I read this in 2019, so my memory is pretty spotty.

It’s probably been deleted, but I really enjoyed this one. Thanks for your help. @myshallweplay

FOUND? Sun on a rainy day by MiiMi (M, 194k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Childhood Memories, Childhood Friends, Idiots in Love, Happy Ending, First Love, Fluff and Smut, Angst, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Reversible Couple, Bottom LWJ, Top WWX, WangXian/XianWang, XiCheng, Top LWJ, Bottom WWX)

~*~

15. Hello! I'm looking for a Wangxian fanfic. It took place in a modern au. LWJ and WWN's entire family were gathered for a barbecue, and Wangxian was fighting. There is a moment when Lan Wangji is about to eat something spicy, and Wei Wuxian stops him from eating, but they continue to fight. I remember that at some point, Wei Wuxian is eating this spicy dish, and Lan Wangji gets up to kiss him. And horrified by this situation, Jiang Yanli spills a glass of wine on Lan Wangji's shirt. I remember the story ended with Wei Wuxian saying that her husband was a knight with him and them going away to clean Wangji's shirt @a-ghostking

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17. This is probably some sort of canon divergence, not post-canon. I think it might take place somewhere after WWX busts out the Wens but before the shit hits the fan. Anyway, the specific detail we're working with here: WWX asks how the yin iron pieces were destroyed, please don't say you just chucked them in the volcano, then tells the sect leaders they fucked up and Qishan is going to explode with resentment if something is not done soon. Thank you 🖤 @linderel

I don't believe I've read this before, and I'm pretty sure the fic I'm looking for was neither crack (treated seriously or otherwise) nor time travel, but I'll certainly mark it down for later!

NOT FOUND! 🧡 built by the fires of volcanoes by isabilightwood (T, 26k, wangxian, time travel, crack treated seriously, canon divergence, fluff & humor)

FOUND! 🔒In search of safety by SomeDumbGuy (M, 22k, One-Sided WangXian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Incomplete Fix-It, Unreliable Narrator, JZX Lives, distruction of the yin tiger seal, Is it still hurt/comfort if it's comfort then hurt?, Blood and Gore) Here is a quote from chapter 3: “What do you have on the destruction of the Yin Iron at Nightless City?” Wei Wuxian asked. “We don’t have anything. It was thrown into the lava in the aftermath of the battle,” Lan Xichen replied.

~*~

18. Hello

I'm looking for a fic published @ 2020 or so

Idk if it was dark lwj, but at the meal in Yiling, LWJs inner monologue was very critical, on how Yuan had no manners and the Wens were very bad for WWX.

Wwx might've also been outwardly hostile, but put up w it for the food @midnightlighthowlite

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19. Hiii, hope you're having a nice day :)) i was searching for a certain fic in which both wei wuxian and lan wangji are assassins and housemates. They both dont know that the other is an assassin too but they keep coming across on their missions.(i think they were competing and sometimes lan zhan was just watching wei ying do his job? idk) i remember wei wuxian accidentally revealing his identity by talking?? Something like that! Hope you can find it bc i've been searching for it nonstoppp T-T anywayss thank u in advancee!!! @for13years-i-play-inquiry-foryou

FOUND? silhouettes to steal this night by moonsteps (T, 51k, WangXian, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Modern, Assassins & Hitmen, Roommates, Rivals to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Identity Porn, Violence, Blood and Injury, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Secret Identity)

~*~

20. Hi! This is for fic finder. Its modern with magic (i think? Because the tech is not showed much) and single parent wwx. I think that lwj is sent by an institution to make wwx accept a contract to familiar because he didnt have a familiar for years and usually people who didnt have a familiar for yearst went crazy/died (i think it was a familiar. Not sure about that). In wwx house, lwj meet lsz. He then tried to confince lsz to study in institution. After that, i dont remember much. I think lsz transform and became a dog that kinda declared to the world that he is a wen. Lsz is left by wq as a baby and found by wwx. Wwx then raised lsz. I think they have a cat (or crow) that reminded wwx of wq. Lwj found out the reason why wwx didnt go crazy/die is because wwx make a clone of himself and killed it. Lwj found the corpses in wwx's backyard in a grave. That grave is near a tree. Long story short, at the end of the story, it was implied that wwx faked his death with jyl, jwy, jzx, and lwj help and moved to england (?). Thank you! @idontknowwhattowriteforusername

FOUND! Howling by MimiSpearmint (E, 40k, WangXian, Modern with Magic, Mortal Instruments Fusion, Horror, Eldritch, Domestic Fluff, Single Parent WWX, Witchcraft, Getting Together, shifter!lwj, yllz!wwx, Intercrural Sex, Hand Jobs, Angst with a Happy Ending, Switch WangXian, a bit of a degradation kink, anti-STI sex talismans, Anal Sex, Oral Sex)

~*~

[pleasantlycrazyworld]

Hi I just finished reading the steve harrington x reader imagine where its their one year anniversary and reader finds out about the bet, I was wondering if you could maybe do a 2nd part where Steve somehow finds a way to win reader back and decide to still be bf and girlfriend rather than start all over again and steve asks reader out officially (since he asked her out bc of a bet originally) and they have their date where he reasks her to be his gf, then time skip to where its their 2 year anniversary and he proposes🤍

I got so carried away....oops? Over 4k words

I didn't get into the propose but I totally can if anyone wants me to! I hope you enjoy and it was worth the wait, I am thinking of making an alternative version of this where the reader doesn't take him back, if you want tagged lmk!

Steve was not the same without you. Anyone and everyone could tell. He showed up late to work, never talked to the customers, and he hasn't spoken to Robin, Nancy, or anyone from the group for that matter. He just wanted to disappear into his bed and never be discovered.

However, just because he was in his bed didn't mean he slept. No, he hasn't slept since you left, and if he did, it was for minutes at a time. Instead of sleeping, he just stared. Stared at your side of the bed, stared at pictures of you two together, stared at the ring that haunted him. All he could do was stare.

You weren't doing any better. You didn't just lose Steve but you lost your best friends too, being betrayed by your boyfriend hurt but being betrayed by who you considered the closest friends in your life hurt you the most. You couldn't bring yourself to reach out, anytime the phone rang you just let it ring, anytime there was a knock on the door you just waited under mounds of blankets for the person to leave. Everyone was concerned for the two of you but no one knew how to help, that is until Dustin went and forced Steve to get out of bed. For a 15 year old Dustin was surprisingly strong, Steve found this out when he was dragged out of his bed and into the shower. "You are showering. You are going to make yourself presentable and you are going to go talk to her. At least make sure she's still breathing." Dustin rolls his eyes but he misses how Steve's breathing got caught in his throat hearing that you weren't doing well, even if Dustin just briefly mentioned it.

Steve didn't care about himself, he lost you and that ended with him losing himself, but he never stopped caring about you. He rushed through the shower and hurried to get presentable once again before dragging his ass to the car and headed to your house after making a quick stop to the flower shop. The entire ride to your house he gave himself multiple pep-talks. "I'm a douche....this is noticeable, everyone can see that but" he sighs softly and shakes his head as he feels tears starting to form, "But with you...god y/n with you I wanted to be better. I will be better for you, I want to be the man you deserve even if I can never achieve that. Fuck maybe I'm just selfish...I definitely don't deserve you, no one...no one deserves an angel like you." When Steve pulls into your driveway tears are falling freely down his cheeks, he gets out of the car and grabs the flowers he bought you while choking back sobs. He doesn't bother knocking, if what Dustin told him he knows you won't bother answering the door. Even though you've been apart for weeks now he still has keys to your place so technically....not breaking and entering???

He softly walks through your home trying not to disturb anything, not wanting to taint anything more than he already has. He is in front of your bedroom door much quicker than he was prepared, the door was already opened and the sight before him destroyed his already broken heart. In front of him was the love of his life, under mounds of blankets with the only evidence of life being the slow rise and fall of the blankets.

"Oh princess..." he softly speaks breaking the silence. You jump slightly, blankets falling off your figure, at the sound of a familiar voice, a haunting voice. "Steve...." Your voice creaks and your sight blurs, sitting up straight you feel your breathing stop at the sight of the man before you. Even though he tried his hardest to look presentable for your presence he was still a clear mess. His hair was disheveled, his cheeks were blotchy and eyes bright red. He walks to your side slowly as if he was approaching an injured animal, "Princess I..." His voice cracks and lip quivers as a sob wins the fight he was trying to win. "I am so sorry! I-I never...never meant for this to happen, never fuck i never wanted to hurt you. I was going to tell you but everything was going so well I just didn't want to lose you" Your throat gets tight and begins to burn as you fight the tears that were determined to fall. "Steve I...I loved you."

Loved....Loved....past tense....loved

"No....baby no not loved... I love you. I love you. How can I fix this? There has to be a way to fix this I...fuck I can't lose you forever. This might have started as a bet but my love for you was never apart of it. I've never loved someone as much as I love you"

A scoff and an eye roll is what he's met with, causing him to panic even more at the thought of never having you in his life again. But then you move closer to him and you take the flowers from his hands. "We can try to start over..." You whispered softly

----Time skip-----

It's been two years since the break up, it's been two years since starting over. And things had never been better, Steve never wanted to lose you and tonight he's hoping that he can assure that you'll be his forever with a ring on your left hand.

Tagging: @emmyshortcake @succubusmunson @bloodthirstybreedingbunny @ghosttownwherenoonegoes @keerysfolklore @eddiesguitarskills @mystargirl-interlude @lofaewrites @sweet-villain

[greenandbreathing]

just read your maddie/caitlyn fic and ohhhh????my?? god??? life changing. i know you said you probably won’t write for them/arcane ever again (ooooo 🌀🌀🌀 you wanna write more maddie/cait fic so bad) but id love to know if you have any headcanons for their relationship dynamics 💕

hey omg thank you so much for reading !!! do i have headcanons…… oh my friend. you doubt me

(i'm gonna keep these sfw but if people want specific nsfw ones i couldddd be persuaded. speaking of which, this is the fic in question)

first of all i wanna start off with this. if you think they were ever “in a relationship” or “girlfriends” you are making your first mistake. here we have a woman who has just lost her mother and the real love of her life within a week, and then immediately she is handed more power than she even truly knows what to do with, try as she might to make it seem like she has it under control. she’s grieving and heartbroken but she doesn’t have time to manage anything  because she has a war to deal with. and then we have her subordinate, her coworker. imagine you are a girl with a raging hard on for power who has just witnessed a very hot officer ascend to leader of her house and your commander. she’s also in such a vulnerable position that it would be impossible not to offer her your shoulder to cry on. caitlyn is not herself, maddie is a horny twenty year old lesbian. i don’t believe that maddie was a traitor from the beginning, but i do think she was being remarkably selfish and did not care that caitlyn was using her. furthermore, i think she was into that part of it.

more under the cut!

THAT BEING SAID! there is nothing wholesome about what was going on between the two of them. maddie’s smart, and she feeds cait all the praise and validation she needs to create a bandaid on her heart, and caitlyn takes it all in because nobody else is around to take care of her. at a point where she has never felt more unloved, here is a girl willing to smother her. fine. 

i do think that the deleted scene where maddie approaches caitlyn at a bar and has a heart to heart with her did happen. i think that’s how it started. i think they shot the shit and had a few too many drinks and caitlyn invited maddie home with her, and it startled her the next morning when she realized she didn’t feel any regret about it, only a dull sort of. well. that happened. it was kind of cathartic? i actually think she had a spring in her step following the first time, which pissed her off because it meant for sure that this probably wasn’t going to be a one time thing. and it wasn’t. 

maddie loves it. she sees it as being useful and helpful, but she also folds so easily for a girl who will boss her around. she’s a follower to her core: when someone’s in charge, she has to be the best for them (i.e. gold star sticker — good job, maddie!) 

maddie lovesss getting to stay the night at cait’s. her sheets are soft and always clean, there’s no risk of being interrupted or overheard, and she will take every opportunity to use her fancy shower (and maybe— no, definitely— all of her expensive products. you can’t convince me that she isn’t secretly having everything showers with cait’s stuff) 

maddie is an abhorrent bed sharer— blanket stealer, toss and turner, the works. the only way cait is able to get under the covers fully is if she snuggles up to maddie, which maddie occasionally (unwisely) mistakes as genuine affection. its not, really. (although, cait will sometimes relish in the comfort a little more than she should, too. but she’s more aware of herself) 

i wish i had a clear answer on how i think maddie switched sides, but it’s so difficult to sort out in my head because i do think season 2’s writing is really flawed in a lot of ways (not an unpopular opinion), one of those being maddie’s whole character. i think ambessa manipulated her though, i don’t think maddie turned on cait on her own. if anyone has thoughts on this i’d be interested to hear them! 

[trojanteapot]

This may be me jumping the gun by judging the season too early (only just finished episode 6, which actually was pretty fun), but I dunno, Buffy season 3 is kinda turning into the "gas leak year" of BTVS?

It's mostly just the stink of the first two episodes, not really feeling the chemistry between Angel and Buffy (though I will say, Buffy is more convincing than Angel by at least an order of magnitude), and me being very adamantly anti Willow/Xander, but I have not really enjoyed s3 as much as the previous two seasons. Still very enjoyable for sure! But just... less?

On the topic of the first two episodes, they really kind of dropped the ball on both of them in two different ways:

For episode 1 of season 3, it was that they really advertised in bright flashing lights "Look at us! We are doing a Very Special Episode about Real Issues! This is a Serious Episode about Homeless Youth!" but they like... almost had it? You can see the ideas the writers had, and all the setup was there, with Buffy meeting Lily-Chanterelle-Anne, and the different ways they ended up in that no-name city (which I just assumed was Oakland... sorry Oakland). But the evil entity they had to defeat was maybe too... cartoonish? Like ok I know they were going for "cults prey on the vulnerable, just like runaway youth like Lily and Buffy" but then they kinda... trapped them in more of a looney-tunes-esque torture dungeon than any sort of metaphor-for-capitalism that actually landed.

And I think this episode made me realize how spoiled we are in this era of television post golden-age, because Buffy just resolves her character arc by punching some demons in the face... instead of actually having a resolution that made sense both for her character arc, and saving the day at the same time. One wonders if maybe an even more down-to-earth episode would have served its purpose even better in terms of Buffy's character arc, but I guess starting off season 3 with a bang trumped that.

As for episode 2 of season 3... well, it just felt like they weren't being fair to Buffy at all. Everybody acted like Buffy running away was like her committing multiple felonies, and everyone was so focused on how her disappearance affected how they felt and not even trying to understand what could have pushed her to run away in the first place! Especially her mom and Willow being so selfish in their reactions was quite unexpected for me (like Xander talking out of his ass and being a selfish dick I understand, but Willow?!), and whatever reasonable points they had were just kind of lost in them acting extremely unreasonable, and kind of just out-of-character just so Buffy can Feel Bad and be at Maximum Guilt for running away.

I would make an excuse like "oh maybe times were different and they didn't understand PTSD".... however In episode 1 of season 2, Buffy was also acting out and arguably being more selfish in her behaviour to her friends due to her PTSD from the events of season 1... but her friends called out her behaviour but still remained reasonable and empathetic towards her until she "snapped out of it" by the end! It doesn't make any sense that they would suddenly not know how to use these skills now a year later.

Anyway, with all that being said, I still find BTVS overall very enjoyable. And I feel like Giles has actually become the MVP of the season so far, with him actively searching for Buffy in ep1, advocating for her in ep2 and consistently being just cool and supportive and USEFUL, and of course, stealing the show in ep6. All in all, I'm just very invested in these characters.

Except Xander, I couldn't care less about him, ew.

[icedteaandoldlace]

Barry and Cisco for the niche questions character ask game pleaaaase :)

Barry

A song that reminds me of them: Try by Rick Astley (yes, that Rick Astley—no, that link is not a Rickroll). And also Try Everything by Shakira. Same general message, different energies, both of which are Barry to a T.

What they smell like: A raspberry Tootsie Pop. I'm not saying that's what he ACTUALLY smells like (I'm also not NOT saying that), but that's the first thing that comes to my mind. Also like spruce or juniper leaves (needles?) and that first-step-into-a-shoe-store new leather smell.

An otp: Barrisco and Westallen! I feel like Iris was the perfect person for him to end up with in canon, but Cisco is the person I'm most interested in seeing him paired with in fanfiction (and he's 100% the person he would've ended up with if wasn't with Iris). They're the two people that Barry loves the most and that he can't live without, and he's completely enamored with both of them.

A notp: I simply can NOT get into Olivarry. It's just boring to me. Wtf are they gonna do on a date? Argue about ethics?

Favorite platonic/familial relationships: Also Cisco! They were a brotp before they were an otp, and I still value them as friends without my shipper goggles on. But after him, Joe. I'm a big sucker for a good adoptive/chosen parent-child relationship.

A headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that I disagree with: I'm not sure about headcanons so much, but there are several misinterpretations of his actions and his motives that drive me crazy. Whether they're making him out to be a bad friend or hailing him as The Only Person Doing The Right Thing when he is very clearly wrong, there are multiple takes in the fandom that are just...incorrect. For example, the idea that he was being selfish and manipulative when he got Cisco to open a breach to Earth-2, or that he was just doing what any good husband would do when he pulled Iris and only Iris out of the Mirrorverse. Like, were some of these people even watching the same show?

The position they sleep in: Barry is a big time side sleeper, with the arm on the side that he's lying on curled up in front of him.

A crossover AU I’d love to see them in: I mean I am writing a double crossover about him that's set in Dalton Academy with a plot that's a rewrite of Pretty In Pink.

My favorite outfit they’ve ever worn: There's a specific outfit in the back of my mind, and I can't remember what it is or what scene it's in, but these ones jumped out at me while I was on my wild search for it.

(SAVITAR TOTALLY COUNTS!)

Cisco

A song that reminds me of them: You'll Always Find Your Way Back Home by Hannah Montana. Because he's changed a bit over the years, and he can be a little lost sometimes, but who he is at his core is always consistent. And because you know he's gonna find a reason to move back to Central City at some point. Also Brave by Josh Groban, which is self explanatory.

What they smell like: As mentioned on your post, cypress and tea tree oil is what I think of his go-to hair/skin product scent being. But there's also some lingering metal and oil smell from his workshop, leather (more like a car with leather interior than the shoe store smell though), and a teensy bit of artificial strawberry from whatever the last candy he had was.

An otp: Kamilla and Barry, my beloveds. 💖 Barry, of course, you already know why, and Kamilla for similar reasons. They both adore Cisco, they're protective and supportive of him, and they like a lot of the same nerdy stuff that he likes. Plus both ships are just adorable together. Barry and Kamilla are both sweet and gentle and affectionate, and that's just what he needs in a partner. They're also the only people that I feel like really deserve him. A relationship with anyone else would feel too unbalanced.

A notp: Everyone else. Just kidding (kind of). He has amazing platonic chemistry with everyone, and romantic chemistry with like maybe 5 people. As far as ships I actively dislike, I am very much squicked out by seeing him shipped with Caitlin and Harry. I love their canon/platonic relationships, but I can't do them in any other context. There are more, but those are the main two that are an absolute no for me.

Favorite platonic/familial relationships: Caitlin! 💖 Their friendship is so sweet, and the sibling energy is off the charts. I love them so much!! Best friend goals for life. Also, Cisco and Ronnie's relationship is super underrated. I wish we could've gotten more of them. :(

A headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that I disagree with: That his parents were abusive. They're definitely overly critical, emotional unavailable, and they favor Dante over him, but I don't see them as intentionally cruel. That's not to say I'm totally against them being written that way, because I've read some good fics where they are, but I prefer to think that their issues come from a lack of understanding of him, and also refusal to accept that their golden child is actually their problem child, and vice versa. I think that they do love Cisco, and they do try somewhat to have a good relationship with him, they just don't try nearly as hard as they should, and they go about it all the wrong way.

The position they sleep in: Oddly enough I think he's a back sleeper. That's if he's in bed by himself, though. If he's with a partner, he loves to be the big spoon.

A crossover AU I’d love to see them in: See the answer for Barry.

My favorite outfit they’ve ever worn:

Also I can't find a good gif of it, but that red suit he wore for Barry and Iris's vow renewal + the S.T.A.R. Labs stole. Also, the S.T.A.R. Labs T-shirt. It hits different on him.

[okiroash]

I need to ramble about Yomiel real quick (he's been living in my head rent free 💥)

usually I don't like villains who do bad things just because their backstory is tragic but Yomiel is different, he's.. very balanced in both sides? I'm not sure how to describe it

He was literally just some guy, did nothing wrong in his life (except, maybe that hair of his- which I am quickly growing fond of)

It all spiraled when he accepted a job to help them organize the nation's secrets

But then he got accused of being spy and was threatened to ruin his life for a statement (it drove him into hopelesness.

he shouldn't have taken the gun, but it was his only 'light' at that time..

Now- from an outsider perspective one would think "oh what the fuck, why did you take her hostage" ..and hm. I still think like this LOL

but desperation and panic can influence one's behaviour, how it becomes hard to think reasonably.. especially when time is running out FAST. doesn't excuse what he did but I think it's important to know what led him to do this

And then.. oh god, him having to see his fiancee die because she wants to be with him. His cruel fate didn't let him into the afterlife (Yomiel mentioned this which either means:

1. When he didn't exactly die from the meteor shard, he knew he couldn't

Or 2. It might be that he has tried....to be with his fiancee (it didn't work))

(The fact it was mentioned that she had just died recently, knowing that if he had arrived sooner she would still be alive. That shit hurts)

yomiel only has his cat for support, a recently dead man can't have human friends. It would only lead to trouble (I mean, a guy who died from a meteor is unnatural, the news is probably in everyone's newspaper)

And it keeps. getting. WORSE. He lost his human functions! (Yomiel says this but I can't remember when) he cannot feel touch (in chapter 15 we can see him uneffected by pain) and we can guess to an extend: smell, taste, and everything else

Just numbness and loneliness, his last few moments of life was hopeless and pain.. his "unlife" is even more awful (this man can't catch a break huh?)

Imagine living like that for such a long time.. and knowing nothing will change. that he will forever spent an eternity like this.. that's bound to make anyone lose their sanity (and he most likely had lost a lot of them)

It makes sense why he was so.. angry and vengeful, he was an innocent man dragged into this. He loaths his unlife so much that he despises everything that had led him to this fate, he ends up hating the girl too (because she was there, giving him an option to take her as hostage) [<- trying to understand his perspective.. it sounds a little less selfish now, but still! not cool yomiel!]

But most importantly of why he's reaaaally angry, is because he thinks the death of his fiancee was caused by them

(Dialogues where he mentions her)

1. In the submarine with lynne

The way he tried to ignore it.. T_T

2. Coversation with jowd

Again, he avoided it.. only responding with silence

yomiel is wrong hurting many people and blaming lynne too, but when you've spent years (10 YEARS. 120 months. 3652 days. 87660 hours) without human connection.. soul welling up with negative emotions.. do you think you can still feel empathy towards other human beings? after all the things that happened as well?

(Maybe- but if it was me I'd be too blinded by hate, and that's probably what yomiel feels too.. ah of course his dwindling sanity only made it worse)

So when Lynne sympathize with him, cried for him, he DECIDED his revenge was over

One of the reasons of his revenge, He wanted them to feel the same pain as him ..and they did, he finally felt understood

but also. I'd like to think it's because she gave him a human connection, a connection to the living, something he hadn't felt for a long time and it came from the person he sees as an enemy

he wasn't really a bad guy, he's a man messed up in the head because of all his upbringings, lynne gave him a reminder of what it's like to have someone (and it must have been so lonely, after losing his only friend at that night)

Again- Yomiel is still accountable for the crimes he committed, it's just the events that made him become like this is so.. understandable

In the end we can't really fault any of them, I guess you can say cabanela (because he was the one who interrogated him and left the gun there)

But who would've thought that there will be a meteor crashing into the park? It's all is just really. Really. Unfortunate

It genuinely delights me so much that this man is actually getting mentally better

He most likely have guilt complex but I'm sure he'll be able to let go of it since most of his actions were undone in the new timeline

[devitalise]

IMO im sending this so early NOT because I'm trying to beat you (though it does feel nice 🤭) but I'll be offline during our usual end-of-month wrap-up + i SHANT make you wait long!!! HOW DID AUGUST GO! I read ur goodreads review on The Picture of Dorian Gray but I'm dying to hear more 👁️ + do u think you're gonna try and shift into ~fall vibes~ for reading now (whatever that means to you) or continue to go with the flow?

hi cas this was such a jumpscare getting this over a week ago but i'm glad you were able to beat me! of course there's a new autumnal vibe in the books i'll be reading i've even updated my discord profile (goodbye summer kendall you were great)

but i can go into more detail in the

august book wrap up

(2 days early but i'm not finishing a book in 2 days)

The Picture of Dorian Gray (The Original 1980 Uncensored Edition) by Oscar Wilde

well i read a book. there were some really interesting threads in this, i thought Dorian being a narcissistic weirdo was cool to read about, but other than the end of the book taking a much darker turn, i did't find much about this impressive. i don't like reading books expecting them to work harder for me to enjoy them, but i struggled to want to read this.

Must I Go by Yiyun Li

wasn't what i expected it to be, not really a fan of what it was. you give me an 88 year old woman who's survived her eldest daughter's suicide and raised her granddaughter and is looking after her greatgrandaughter and what do we do? we spend almost 200 pages of her dissecting the journal of some random man who ended up marrying his cousin and lived his whole life not knowing he had said daughter? why. i don't care! i don't care!!!!!!! and then when Lila (the character in question) did talk about herself, her mother having her dreams crushed in her marriage, her three marriages and further 4 children, it's just brushed over and kind of shrugged at. none of the "important" men in her life are alive and yet they took up so much of the book. whatever you keep dead people alive in your memory but other than being reminded how selfish and uncaring Lila was there wasn't much about this i felt positive about. wouldn't recommend, went straight in my donation pile.

Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay by Elena Ferrante

i finally did it. what a rollercoaster! i absolutely hate reading first person books when i find the character annoying. not to say a bad person, or morally defunct or anything. just plain old annoying. Elena Greco is annoying. fine in the first 2 as she's 10-22 years old and it's expected, but the third book sees her in her mid 20s early 30s and i genuinely wanted to throw this book at a wall. i struggle to see this as a tale of friendship at this point just because like. they aren't friends??? they're two women who at this point are bound by history and maybe that's the point but i want better for Lila and she remains the star of the show

The Story of the Lost Child by Elena Ferrante

i finished the quartet and feel emotionally wrung out. this was going fine but i think it's around 350 pages in there's a full blown "relationship" between Lila's 24 year old son and Elena's 15 year old daughter???? reading from the perspective of an awful mother was so jarring, too. really enjoyed the series, i just feel like i felt very untethered towards the end and i just wanted it to end

september / autumnal reads

i'm annoyed that i've ended up in such a white reading space so will be fixing that for sure. also need a romance, i haven't read one i've liked this year! something fun is overdue. i have some horror books picked out but that's not for a little while yet. i don't see myself picking up anything new (maybe?) so i'll just be picking from what i already bought, trying some contemporary reads that have been rotting on my shelf for the past year

[galaxitix]

Just a vent feel free to ignore(⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

Okay whoever said new year, new me is a fudging lair. It's a new year and I'm still suffering from my social anxiety.

Just who's laying in bed, hungry because they were too much of a coward to walk into a crowded kitchen(crowded due to small size, only two people were in it) and get food while my grandparents have their peoples over celebrating New Year's at my grandparents' place.

I left my room like 3 times because I was hungry and I walked back with nothing. It's not that the people who are here are mean or anything, they're all kind. I just got heavy anxiety around them despite the fact this isn't my first time around any of them. (Heck I got anxious around my own family members who I partially grew up with)

On top of that they had the grill going on in the backyard (kitchen leads out to the backyard) and whatever they used to light that grill sicks my stomach to the point I wanna throw up, might have thrown up if i stayed later)

I tried a different approach by going to my grandfather instead but he was in the living room with the rest of the guests who weren't in the kitchen or around the grill and my nerves nearly suffocate me, I ended up just greeting everyone and making small talk(read attempted to make small talk) and then went back to room and stayed there.

So I'm stayed in my room until the guests have left and I think 'ok maybe now I can get food'...ha nope, there was nothing left so I thought okay at least what should have been left aside for my mother was here but guess what?

There's nothing and I thought maybe I was just blind so I asked my grandfather cause he was still out and he just asked me 'what' and he thought I did...

I love my grandpa I really do but he knows full and well, I can't stand the scent of the grill cause of whatever they used to fuel the fire and my room is fully in range where he can tell I hardly left. what do you mean you thought I did it?

Now I'm on the verge of a meltdown/panic attack, I'm hungry and I feel a mess of emotions I can't even decide or identify right now.

Another thing about this whole situation that ticks me off is it doesn't matter if I'm the host or not cause in the end I get nothing out of it. Normally I manage the grill and to think after all the work, i could reap what I sow but nope by the time I'm done grilling everything, the food is already gone so I can't even taste or enjoy what I stand over a grill cooking for the past hour or 2. So yeah, I lost my passion for grilling becus what's the point if I get nothing out of it. (And this happen 4 times, must be a sign or something)

So this grill session, I decide to just sit back and let someone else deal with the grill so maybe finally I can get to enjoy a nice grilled meal...but nope, as said before social anxiety nearly killed me out here.

Like grandpa I can handle your friends/company and theirs kids or niece or whatever in small groups but all at once. Are you trying to give me an early funeral? And this is the first time I have been around all at once before this, the largest group was 8 or so people but 15 maybe more, hell no. (My grandparents house is small, two bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and living room all connected by one small hallway, most of the guests were outside, either on the verandah or around the backyard where the grill was, summary: it was packed)

Currently, the house is quiet and I'm about to be petty and occupied the kitchen at this time making no means to be quite, sorry not sorry, I need to let out this frustration and get something to eat

(though, they're probably used to my late night cooking/baking session because it's the only time I feel comfortable cooking/baking)

Honestly can't tell if I'm just being really selfish or justified but I don't care that this point, all that matters is food rn

Peace (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠) ✌️

[justkenz]

Hello, I've been struggling with something lately and I really have no one else I can ask. My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. It's my first relationship ever. A few days ago I broke it off because I kept thinking of wanting to try dating other people in the future. We have an age gap. And being very intimate starting becoming uncomfortable, so I thought maybe I'd lost romantic love for him. Even after my decision I still feel lost and even feel it wasn't a good choice at all. He's such a kind and loving person and he's very important to me. He's supported me through hard times. My chest feels painful all the time when I'm not distracting myself from our separation. Being only friends feels uncomfortable. I feel really selfish, and I know no one can tell me the "right choice", but do you have any advice that can help me?

Hey, so first let me tell you this, the first relationship is always the hardest to get over. Without a doubt. It also sounds like you have some very valid reasons for wanting to end things, and you should give yourself the time to explore yourself and your needs more. Take time to heal, grow, and feel confident in what you want and who you are.

When you leave your first relationship it can feel like you have completely lost your way, especially if you've been with them for a while. Sure, they might be great and of course, they are important to you, but that doesn't mean they are necessarily the right person for you.

I really think it would be beneficial for you to take this breakup as a way to focus on yourself, figure out your wants and needs, heal from this relationship, and then see where life takes you. Who's to say that later down the line you both might try again, but right now I think you should focus on yourself.

It will never feel like the right choice until you've completely healed and moved forward. And, if you decided to try again and get back together, just know that is okay too, it is extremely hard to let go of your first. Take care of yourself, and I wish you the best!

[generallemarc]

2 am ramblings

I lost two friends over the election. Well, more like one friend and a new acquaintance I was hoping would become a friend. They were both Jewish, and now every time I see a tankie throwing a bitch fit about how people aren't supporting their favorite theocratic suicide bombers against the evil ZioNazis who dared to colonize their own homeland and need to go back to where they came from except not there, I feel upset, but in a way I've never experienced before. Because I'm not a hateful psychopath and actually possess basic empathy, I'm not happy to see these things and know that they're seeing things just like them, potentially having those things directly said to them. I'm not happy knowing this is hurting them. Both of them had done alright for themselves, but it's just impossible to see that kind of thing said about you by so many people for over a year and not have it get to you at all. And now I can't be there for them, and I never will be again. They chose to cut me off because I wrote in Harry Truman instead of voting for the Only Acceptable Candidate Or Else You Hate Democracy, and yes that's stupid of them and yes it's a shitty thing to do, but neither of them deserve to be seeing all this shit. Hell, even if they were objectively bad people, which I don't think either of them are at all(if being an asshole and making poor choices made you a bad person then every last one of us would be monsters, myself foremost among them), they still wouldn't, because nobody deserves this kind of treatment. And now they have one less resource for dealing with and managing all this, and I hate that that has to be the case. Even if it's just to make stupid little jokes and take the edge off, I can't do that anymore. I had the ability to make things easier for two people who didn't deserve to have to deal with something this difficult, and now that ability is permanently gone. And regardless of the reasons why, I wish it wasn't.

Maybe I'm being selfish-maybe this is my brain making everything about me. Maybe I still haven't fully disentangled myself from the idea that I must always be helping people in order to have value as a human being as opposed to the idea that value is inherent to all people that I apply to everyone who isn't me. But right now all I can think is that I can't give my friend an internet hug and talk about movies and shit talk the intelligence of people dumb enough to openly side with Iran, and I can only hope that they didn't burn so many bridges that they'll start running low on people they can turn to. R., F., if you're out there, I hope y'all are staying safe and doing as well as you can be.

[talictries]

friendship vent (agane LMAO)

i didnt say this before because i was too embarrassed LMAO but a little over 2 weeks ago i ruined my best friend of 5 year's 21st birthday by getting way too drunk, breaking up the whole event, and having a ambulance called on me LMAO. i am ok (obvi) but I've always been the one who's leeched off her for emotional support shit (because i have no friends except her lol) and we've had these similar arguments in the past but because it was supposed to be her big day, and it was in front of all her friends from uni and shit, and her family (which had to deal with me and house me for that night) none have ever been this bad.

because my mental health is so shit, she often worries if I've like kms-ed even tho i wouldn't do that. but i gave her space for 2 weeks and finally messaged her today being like yo hope you're well all that shit. she messaged back (a good sign) and we talked for a tiny but but she was like I'm still mad at u abt the party thing but I'm also worried about your mental health.'

and like, sure, i could have just said 'dw I'm all good' and moved on, but in the past 3 years where I've lost all my other friends and family (no one died dw, just stopped talking to friends and family moved far away) I've always kinda leaned on her the most. and over the past few months when my mental health was at its lowest, i could tell she was starting to get anxious just by my mere existence (thinking i was dead or smth) and its been weighing on my mind that she doesn't really need that shit in her life, because her life comparatively is a fuck ton more stressful atm.

so basically i info dumped (not a slay) and was like look i was giving u space, but I've been thinking about our friendship which i am the one who always messes up, and ik we've had a few conversations abt it before but i just wanted to state my piece. already from my side this has been a slightly unhealthy relationship because i know i am far too dependant on you, and i don't want this turning into a more unhealthy friendship because before that was a v internal me thing whereas now its actually impacting your life. so i love our friendships and its happy moments but i want you to really evaluate your life and make the final decision as to if you want me in it or not. maybe not for a few weeks, or moths, or ever, but i feel guilty that YOU feel guilty about it.

and ik it isn't my place to dictate her feelings or whatever but now i fear if i just kept my mouth shut we'd be on the path to getting back to normal. but at the same time, if i didn't say this then i feel like I'm mental-health-trapping her because she thinks if she leaves me ill kms??? like baby trapping but not really. anyway idk. she said 'this is a lot, i need time' which is totally fair and i will give it to her, but honestly now i feel I've been TOO real and she'll be like 'yeah i actually don't need talic in my life' and that may send me spiralling because i have zero support systems (apart from ao3 LMAO) without her.

oh well. if it works out it will, if it doesn't then its better for both of us in the long-run ig. just sad I've ruined another 5 year long friendship because of my alcoholic clingy stupid mental-health-issue-ridden ass.

lol

im ok dw. i truly want what's best for her and if its a life without me then i accept it. i will not be selfish and take more from her like i have. besides having zero friends will legit make me go out and make more because i die without social interaction (i say not showing up to uni for the third day week in a row because I'm lowkey agoraphobic and high-key depressed)

slay. perhaps i will write the most gut-churning sad angst to cope

[fanaticallyperfect]

i'm lowkey on the verge of just wanting to drop this entire art server ngl /srs

[skamenglishsubs]

Subtext and Culture, Young Royals, Season 2, Episode 3

When Jan-Olof called August at the end of episode 2, he said August was supposed to be at the castle next Tuesday, which is when this episode ends. So we're probably picking up this episode in the weekend before that maybe?

Culture: August calls his not favourite step-dad to get some legal advice to prepare for being summoned by the Queen. But if you listen to the Swedish dialogue, Rickard keeps repeating a word - grovt - while listing the possible crimes. The subtitles struggle with this, and the word normally means coarse or thick or rough, but in the context of Swedish criminal law, it means grave, egregious, or worse than normal, and it means that if convicted, the punishment should be from the upper end of the scale.

Subtext: Wilhelm is trying some self-help for his anxiety, but it's not going too well. Baby steps!

Subtext: It's no coincidence that the "injured party" is in the image while August's step-dad mentions it, and that's of course the problem for August. If he confesses or gets dragged into court, he's got an uphill battle, fighting the royal court and their lawyers, which his step-dad might not be up for.

Subtext: Wilhelm demanded distance from his bodyguards, the Queen said she couldn't do that, but what do you know, apparently it wasn't impossible for them to back off a bit.

Subtext: This is somewhat of a theme for this episode, but also for the series as a whole. Wilhelm talked Simon into cheating to get into the rowing team, for purely selfish reasons, and because it's second nature to him. But he'll never get punished for cheating, it's always someone else who will. Simon knows what's up.

Lost in translation: My subtitles skipped this word completely, but isterband is a kind of pork sausage. I'm not a fan, so I completely understand Felice here!

Subtext: Despite Jan-Olof being set up as kind of a villain, opposing Wilhelm all the way, at the end of the day he is employed by the royal family, and Wilhelm does outrank him and can order him around.

Culture: I live in Hawaii, so imagine my surprise when I went to Sweden in 2019 and suddenly noticed tons of places selling poke bowls of all things, when no-one would have known what that even was a year earlier. Sweden has this funny ability to take a trend from zero to a hundred seemingly overnight, leading to over-establishment and people burning out on trends as quickly as they appeared.

Subtext: Simon knows that cheating doesn't work, so he has enlisted Rosh to help him out with his workout in preparation for the competition, while Wilhelm is having a lazy "room-service" dinner with Felice.

Subtext: To be fair to Simon, Wilhelm has been manipulating things in order to stay close to him, and not the other way around.

Subtext: I'm gonna headcanon things a bit about Marcus here, but this is my take on it: Since they went to the same school, I think Marcus knew who Simon was, knew that he had come out as gay, and has been secretly crushing on him since. Marcus is probably really in love with Simon, and so caught up in finally going out with his crush that he isn't exactly picking up on the fact that Simon isn't on the same level.

Subtext: Simon is wearing a purple hoodie which means he's thinking about Wilhelm according to our popular colour theory. And he's wondering why he can't fall in love with Marcus? It's a complete mystery!

Subtext: The only times Simon has reached out to Marcus has been when he's feeling hurt by Wilhelm. But right here he realizes that he actually likes Wilhelm more, which is why he ignores Marcus.

Subtext: Everyone has been encouraging Wilhelm to talk about his feelings, so this is a start, he's finally found a friend he can talk to. Ironically, he's trying to let go, just as Simon realizes he shouldn't move on.

Subtext: Ah, Nils, never change! Boris isn't like the other teachers and staff at school, he doesn't fit in with the upper classes, which is why he's got this nickname. For all his derision though, it doesn't stop Nils from seeing him.

Culture: Nils shows contempt for the concept with his air quotes, but hbtqi-certifiering is a real thing offered by RFSL, Sweden's oldest and largest gay rights organization. For a psychologist to have that certification, it just means they're equipped to deal with the unique mental health problems queer people face.

Subtext: In his own way, Boris actually does answer the question without answering it, hinting that Erik also had problems with the role of being the crown prince and the weight of that responsibility.

Subtext: He's not wrong, though. The more money and power and fame you have, the more people will want to get close to you and use you and potentially blackmail you and leech off of you. There is a legit reason for the secrecy and privacy among the upper class.

Blink and you miss it: He's talking about Erik while touching the watch he wears as a memory of him.

Subtext: This old question again, "Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" I'd say he's lying to himself here, it hurts right now, but he is better off for it.

Culture: The authors are four very well-known Swedish authors from the turn of the century, these books are classics, and every high school student in Sweden will have read some works by these authors, if not these specific books.

First up is Den Allvarsamma Leken by Hjalmar Söderberg, which is about a couple who met while young, couldn't get together, but stay in love over many years and relationships. Obvious parallels to Wilhelm and Simon's situation. This novel has been made into a movie several times, and the 2016 version was directed by none other than Pernilla August.

The second book is Kris by Karin Boye, and as the characters explain, it is an autobiographic novel about a lesbian love story hampered by tradition, because being gay in the 1930's wasn't exactly kosher.

The third book is Herr Arnes Penningar by literature Nobel prize laureate Selma Lagerlöf, which is about a murder-arson-robbery gone wrong. I certainly hope it's not meant to parallel our story! Selma used to be on the Swedish 20-krona bills introduced in the 90's, but design was replaced in 2015 to feature another author, Astrid Lindgren.

Edit: Thank you @emberc and @richtearex for finding out the title of the fourth book!

I can't make out the title of the fourth book, but the author is The fourth book is Getting Married by the internationally most well-known Swedish author and playwright August Strindberg. Many of his works are about challenging tradition and social rules, and he was seen as very controversial during his lifetime. The book is a collection of short stories about different kinds of marriage, including same-sex ones, which was extremely controversial when it was published in the 1880's. Again, obvious parallels to the show itself.

Subtext: If you haven't picked up the super duper obvious parallels between the novel and this story by now, I have completely failed in teaching you how to pick up subtext, and you are as completely clueless as Henry, who completely misses the point of the novel!

Blink and you miss it: Wilhelm really doesn't like speaking in public.

Subtext: Given how clueless Henry is, he's probably also completely missing the tension between Simon and Wilhelm, and he's that guy in a group project, always escaping responsibility. But him bailing to get coffee actually allows our boys to have a talk.

Subtext: Earlier, Simon chided Wilhelm for not being able to talk about his feelings, and now Wilhelm flips it and criticizes Simon for his lack of honesty.

Subtext: Simon starts reactively texting Marcus about meeting up to break up. But this time it's a reaction because he's slowly realizing he doesn't want to move on from Wilhelm. In the end though he changes his mind and doesn't send the text.

Subtext: Obviously, Sara is trying to sabotage the horse sale. Unfortunately for her, everyone else realizes what she's doing and is pretty much ignoring her.

Subtext: Simon did not fool the music teacher, she immediately realized that the song was actually about Wilhelm, but gives him suggestions on how to salvage it into a proper school song.

Subtext: Wilhelm's plan of replacing August backfires some more, Vincent is his usual douchy self, and Wilhelm realizes he can't control him like he could with August.

Subtext: First Brutus, now Judas. August really sees Vincent as the ultimate traitor.

Subtext: I think Marcus is getting an undeserved amount of shit in the fandom, because up until this point he's been nothing but good. He's actually getting his heart broken here by Simon, because he thought he really had a chance with him.

Subtext: Marcus says he is willing to wait for Simon to be ready for a relationship, which is the exact same thing Simon broke up with Wilhelm about, because he was not willing to wait for Wilhelm to be ready.

Subtext: He lied, like a liar. Wilhelm is 100% the reason Simon wants to call it off with Marcus at this point.

Subtext: But from this point on, I agree with the rest of you, this is manipulative behaviour from Marcus' side and not ok! He is clearly getting ahead of himself and wanting to salvage this relationship by any means, because in his head it's this beautiful thing that was meant to be.

Subtext: August is definitely sending some mixed signals here, he says he just wants to talk, so why is he lounging around half-naked waiting for her? However, it's also the case that Sara is the only person he can talk to about the sex tape at this point.

Subtext: Everyone has been telling Sara that August is the worst person in the world, using those exact words, and here he is saying it himself. But because he does that, Sara thinks he's self-aware enough to change and to redeem himself for what he did, which is why she's encouraging him to turn himself in.

Subtext: Except Sara felt like everyone hated her at Marieberg because she was bullied, which was absolutely not her fault, whereas August's situation is totally his own damn fault.

Subtext: I'm not sure exactly how to interpret this sequence, but I have some ideas. In season 1, we saw August being an extremely selfish lover with Felice, but here he's offering to go down on Sara for her sake, so that's a nice change. There's also a parallel to Wilhelm going down on Simon, making this a mirror to that scene. Or Sara is just nervous about having sex for the first time and not ready for oral sex?

Subtext: She lied, like a liar, clearly super happy about having had sex for the first time.

Subtext: Of course the horoscope matches her situation perfectly...

Subtext: ...it's just that the jealousy drama is not her own, it's Simon and Wilhelm's drama.

Subtext: Felice thinks she's talking about Rosseau, Sara is obviously talking about August. Or both.

Culture: I described the house system back in season 1, so it's nice to see it fleshed out a bit more in this season. The inter-house rivalry is strongly encouraged by the school, and here we see Sprucewood hyping themselves up before their Quidditch match against Slytherin indoor rowing match against Forest Ridge.

Subtext: Yeah, no, that kiss clearly crossed the line, it's not what Simon wanted. But Wilhelm saw it, thinking Simon lied about him and Marcus not being together, oh shit, oh no.

Subtext: Remember the talk about cheating and who gets the blame? Of course Vincent blames Simon for it, instead of Wilhelm, even though it's actually Wilhelm's fault Skogsbacken lost.

Subtext: So Simon quits the team, which means he's gonna get lower grades, getting unfairly punished yet again. And Wilhelm's plan for staying close to Simon backfired even more.

Blink and you miss it: Aww, Wilhelm keeps a small photo album labelled "Simon" on his phone, with a bunch of private photos of them.

Cinematography: If you listen carefully, the quality of the music changes noticeably in the cut, because the show does a diegetic switch between us hearing the music come out of Emo Wilhelm's earbuds, and it being a general soundtrack. It's also a very pretty montage of Angsty Teenager Being Angsty.

Culture: In season 1 there were only some distant shots of the royal castle, but this time we're getting a beautiful close-up of it. In real life, we're looking at Stora Sundby, which is Sweden's largest non-royal castle.

Subtext: You should all have read my previous piece laying out my thoughts on this entire plot, but note that the Queen only mentions Wilhelm quitting because he can't handle the pressure, she says nothing of the issues of being in a same-sex relationship or not having an heir, so she should at least get credit for that. Also note that this is specifically what Wilhelm's outburst in episode 1 was about.

Subtext: The show continues to paint the Queen in a good light, further separating her wishes from that of the nefarious System that forces her to do this.

Lost in translation: In Swedish, she doesn't say August is next in the line of succession, she says he's closest in the line of succession, which isn't the same thing, so the original is explaining this plot point slightly better than the subtitles.

Cinematography: This entire cursed scene is a mirror of the one in s1e4, which starts by Wilhelm asking Simon to hold him.

Cinematography: It's also physically mirrored, because Wilhelm and Felice are on the opposite bed on the opposite side in his bedroom.

[the-missann]

~Writeblr Introduction~

So, I'm not good at introductions. However, I've done this before, so maybe it'll be easier now.

Hi, I'm an aspiring writer who wants nothing more than the world to have a favorite character who actually looks like them. Being an introvert; I usually write stories about loneliness, isolation, anxiety and longing. My usual genres are YA, Romance, Fantasy, Supernatural, Adventure, and recently I'm getting into Comedy, Sci-fi, and Satire.

I try and make my stories very inclusive. I showcase my characters in a way where they're not liked for their ethnicity, but you like them and they just so happen to be a POC.

I'm also teaching myself to draw.

I wouldn't say I have WIPs when most my stories have more the 30k+ words, but I'll tell you all about a few I'm working on.

A little BG before that, just so there's no confusion. I have a very big universe I've built where I follow my one MC, Cassie, through several different reincarnation stories.

The Demonic Repentance

Genre: YA, Romance, & Supernatural

Akuma is a Demon tasked with fixing Hell after the ruler ruins it with his selfish desires. Having no other choice, he goes outside of Hell in order to find a solution. Instead of a solution he finds an Angel.

This is probably the most edited and actually finished stories of mine.

A Collection of Short Stories: Quiet Girl

Genre: Comedy

When it comes to talking, Cassie finds it to be too much work and opts to think instead. Plus, with ten guys who never leave her alone, it is just a bit better to stay quiet and leave a good impression.

Cassie ventures through her twenties as she tries to live through adulthood while also trying to keep her heart beating every time she sees someone she likes.

This is a Harem story that's more crude than it is overtly sexual. Just adult jokes more than anything.

The Makings of a Love Story

Genre: YA & Romance

After dealing with her first break up, Cassie struggles to return to herself, leaving herself open to yet another relationship much too soon. However, this new relationship isn't anything like her pervious one and has the chance to be better for her, if she learns from the past.

I'm currently having writer's block with this one.

Kingdom of Bumalia

Genre: Fantasy & Romance

The turbulent history of a long lost kingdom. The True Blood within the family is untouched by Lower Blood, until one prince is born. He wants nothing more than his kingdom to prosper and takes a risk unlike his ancestors.

I'm reworking this, so I technically finished this years ago, but it's horribly written by my standards now, lol.

A Fourth Dimension Reality

Genre: YA, Comedy, Satire, & Sci-fi

What happens when you live somewhere you don't belong? Those feelings of being alone and thinking you're the odd one out are over with when you realize you do belong on Earth.

However, Larson and Cassie don't. Being from another dimension is the tie that keeps them together while navigating the strange reality they were stuck in.

This is by far my favorite story, I've written close to 100k words and I'm not sure when I'm gonna actually end it.

I have lots of other stories that are nearly done, but I dislike writing endings because 1. I suck at them and 2. That would mean ending my story and that's such a hard pill to swallow.

That's it from me, I'd love to hear from any of you. I'm pretty easy going and accept almost everyone. So don't be like me and be shy, interact and maybe we could be friends!

[fkevin073]

Ever been slightly disappointed by a series ending? Like I wasn't impressed by BBC Merlin.

OMG this is literally my time to shine my apologies for the essay that I'm about to write-

spoilers for Jane the Virgin, Merlin, The Vampire Diaries, The 100 and Game of Thrones!!

okay so we've already talked a bit about Jane the Virgin so my disappointment in the series finale was because Jane and Rafael ended up getting married and I didn't buy that they were right for each other. I liked Rafael best in season 3 B when he wasn't an entitled jealous asshole. I'm rewatching parts of the show now, and I still enjoy it, but yeah. If Michael had stayed dead I wouldn't have minded it so much. I digress.

I watched BBC Merlin too! That's one of my favourite shows ever! I mean the ending depressed the shit out of me not gonna lie. Like I like the acting a lot, but a lot of the writing choices don't make sense. Like why didn't Merlin call the dragon sooner before Arthur died? And why did Arthur die so soon? Like he was king for five years, he didn't unite Albion at all. I think Merlin's magic should have been unveiled in the season 4 finale during the fight with Morgana and then the rest of season 5 should have been Arthur dealing with it. Oh, the angst! there's a really great video about it here I watched ages ago: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCepGCDjhBc

The ending makes me cry, but it doesn't ruin my overall enjoyment of the show, you know? (also, this might be controversial, but if Gaius and Kilgarrah hadn't pushed Merlin so hard into hiding the truth from Morgana, she wouldn't have turned evil)

The Vampire Diaries is the absolute opposite for me. I don't know if you've watched it, but this show was the first tv show I was genuinely obsessed with as like a preteen. I loved it. But everything from season 4 onwards infuriates me. This is an unpopular opinion I know, but I was always Team Stefan. Like I never wavered once and I didn't get why people loved Damon so much, especially Damon and Elena. When Stefan and Elena broke up in season 4 some essential part of the show just got lost for me. And I really hated Elena with Damon. I mean I dislike Damon in general because I think he's selfish and his relationship with Elena is toxic, but yeah. In the ending Stefan dies saving Damon and the town and he tells Damon he's the better man and everything and I was like?? No?? Stefan was 100% the better brother and I will always be bitter that Nina Dobrev didn't come back for the entire 8th season because then stolen would have been endgame. I could talk about this for ages.

And for Game of Thrones - well, I feel like the entire internet has gone on rants about that. It was just so rushed. Such a shame. Like seasons 1-6 were perfection. Even season 7 was relatively passable. But season 8? Besides those first 2 episodes? A complete clusterfuck. If they'd pushed the season to 10 episodes I think it would have been mildly better. Possibly. Who knows?

And then for The 100. I loved the first two seasons of this show. Like they're so good, especially for a CW tv show. But season 3 disappointed me for many reasons, so I didn't keep up with the show fully, just enough to understand what was going on. Some people in my family watched the other seasons so it was easy to watch in passing with them. But then I really liked season 6. Bellamy/Clarke (the two leads of the show and probably the most popular ship in the series) were hinted at being in love, something that I and many other fans were waiting for. I was really psyched for season 7, the last season.

And I shit you not, it was the worst season of television I've ever watched in my life. The series leads are barely in the episodes (like Bellamy, the male lead, is in 5 of 16 episodes?maybe? ) and his character is killed by Clarke (when they're best friends and she literally implied she loved him more than her mom at one point for the dumbest reason on the planet. And no one cares. I'm not kidding. Clarke kills Bellamy because he believed in something (I don't even remember what I tried to block it from my mind the show was so awful by that point) and then it turns out he was right. Ughh. It was so stupid. I can't even try and rewatch the seasons I actually enjoyed because the ending infuriates me so much.

Anyway, those are my main ones. Idk if you've watched any of the shows beside JTV and Merlin but I'd love to discuss it! apologies for the essay again.