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justwinginglife · 20 days ago

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Playing Pretend/Summer

25 Days of Simpmas: Day Six December 6th: Kiyoka Kudo, Rank 20 Anime: My Happy Marriage Event Masterlist I couldn't pick just one title so it has two because I'm indecisive.

“Don’t even start with me; you know why I’m here.”

Kiyoka scoffed at you, straightening his shoulders to encompass more of the doorway. With the way he was acting, like you were some enemy messenger, sent to wage war on his otherwise peaceful life, you were sure that by now he’d read the letter from his sister, explaining that she had sent you to aid him in the search for a bride. You resisted the urge to laugh, watching as he attempted to create a blockade in the doorway with nothing more than his slim, sulky figure. What did he think- that if he blocked the entrance, you’d simply turn around and go home? If he locked the door, you’d simply pick it. If he barred the door, you’d simply break it. Then there was the option of sneaking in through the window or shimmying down the chimney; after all, that was the reason she’d sent you, of all people.

Besides the fact that you’d always had a soft spot for her younger brother -and he’d always had a soft spot for you- more than anything, you were headstrong. Maybe she thought if you couldn’t convince him to see reason, you’d at least drive him so crazy with your stubbornness that he’d run straight into another woman’s arms. Either way, it didn’t change what you’d been sent here to do.

“Kiyoka, Hazuki asked me to come. So I’ve come. And I’m not leaving until we talk.”

“You may tell my sister that she need not send her spies; I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

“Kiyoka,” You exclaimed exasperatedly, “I’m not here to report on you to your sister.”

He raised an eyebrow, still skeptical of your words. “Then what are you here for?”

“To help.”

“I don’t need your ‘help.’ You may return home; I shall report to Hazuki that you tried your best so you need not be concerned that she will reprimand your failures. You may tell her that I am simply unable to be convinced.”

You rolled your eyes and slipped by him, entering his home unsolicited. As you showed yourself around, you examined as much of your surroundings as you could before you figured he’d interrupt. His living quarters appeared orderly enough, given that Kiyoka had always been an organized man, but it was obvious that a feminine touch was clearly needed. It was as if he’d made the place his second office. You’d heard of a home away from home, but this was his work away from work, and it had to stop now. You were here to make it stop.

His sister had been concerned about his disinterest in anything but work, especially when it came to members of the opposite sex, so you’d been sent to convince him to revisit the idea of marriage prospects as a favor to her. But it wasn’t just that. You’d grown up with Kiyoka and Hazuki, and though you saw Hazuki nearly everyday, it’d been awhile since you’d last seen her younger brother. And you missed him. Today’s visit was just one you were long overdue.

“I don’t recall allowing you permission to enter my home,” Kiyoka grumbled as he followed behind you cautiously.

“Kiyoka. I’ll put it bluntly: stop being such a stick in the mud.”

He froze for a brief second before recovering, a hint of a smile appearing at the edge of his lips. “There’s that smart mouth of yours; I was wondering when it would show itself. Apparently several years in a boarding school did nothing to curb your attitude.”

You snorted. “And apparently several years serving as a commander did nothing to train you on how to prevent intruders from invading your home.”

“So you admit you’re intruding?”

“Intruding and conquering. As of today, I’ve officially claimed my territory. And my first act as resident dictator is to demand you sit down. I’m making dinner.”

It was as though you’d spoken in a foreign language because suddenly Kiyoka’s gaze began conducting a thorough examination of you, as if the glimmer in your eyes or the straightening of your posture might give him some hint that would allow him to decipher your words. “You’re… what? I have a cook, why are you making dinner?”

You winked at him and his heart thundered in his chest. “So you can pretend you know what it’s like to have a wife.” You said in a teasing tone.

He followed you into the kitchen, cheeks ablaze, still protesting as you began to prep and cut vegetables. “I don’t need to pretend to have a wife, as I’ve no need for a wife.”

You deposited the vegetables into a pot. “You keep talking like that, and you’re gonna end up marrying me.” You didn’t look up to see his reaction, but his silence said enough. You smiled to yourself. Commands an entire army, but still shy around a girl, even if she is his childhood friend. Same old Kiyoka. “Remember?” You asked nonchalantly as you stirred the pot. “We said when we were kids that if we couldn’t find anyone to marry, we’d just marry each other.”

He shifted uncomfortably. “That was… a naive suggestion, proposed by mere children. We couldn’t have known the responsibility that would come with such a weighted promise. I have never held you to it and would never hold you to it.”

“I wouldn’t mind if you did.” You continued to swirl your spoon around and around the pot, waiting for a response from him, waiting to hear more than just the sloshing of the stew hitting your spoon. Why was the sloshing suddenly so damn loud? Why could you hear the birds chirping outside the window and even the fire roaring beneath your pot, but you couldn’t so much as hear him breathe? You’d laughed to yourself about him being shy, but why were you the one who was now ready to shrink into a corner? Maybe you’d gone too far with your teasing- too far for the both of you.

“You’re stirring too hard.” Kiyoka’s fingers brushed against yours as he slipped the spoon out of your hand. “You’ll burn yourself if you keep letting the water splash like that.” With one arm, he gently guided you behind him as he proceeded to take charge over dinner.

You laughed softly. Yup. Same old Kiyoka. “Aren’t I supposed to be the one cooking?”

A small smile tugged at his lips. “Maybe you can be the one pretending you have a husband.”

Eventually dinner was served, dinner was had, and then dinner was a thing of the past. But even as you lay in bed that night, staring up at the ceiling, you willed memories of dinner to replay in your mind, like you were watching your favorite play. Winter’s frost had started to seep into the weary bones of this house and yet you’d never felt warmer, remembering the way he had untied the strings of your apron, “pretending” to be your husband, and the way you had spoon fed him the stew, “pretending” to be his wife, and the way he poured you a cup of sake, toasting to your health, “pretending” to be your husband, and the way he’d chuckled when you dabbed at his cheek with a napkin, “pretending” to be his wife, and the way pretending didn’t feel like pretending anymore when it was with him.

You could go back to winter in the morning. You could go back to the real reason you’d come. You could help find him a wife, watch him be married off, and go back to the city, go back to your life, like nothing had ever happened between the two of you. You could go back to winter in the morning, but for now, in the dark of your room, in the dead of the night, it was summer. It was all warmth and light and Kiyoka. It was the way he tied your hair as thanks for tying his. It was the way he walked you to your bedroom, like some scoundrel might kidnap you on the mere journey down the hall. It was the way he said goodnight so tenderly, so fondly, like he’d lived his life just to be able to wish you sweet dreams and bid you well rest.

And when you woke in the morning, you discovered that even the impending threat of reality couldn’t diminish the joy of waking up and realizing he was just a door away. And then you wondered what it would be like to wake up and be only a breath away.

He interrupted your fantasizing.

“I’m going into town.”

You blinked away your wishful thinking. “Oh, alright. I suppose I’ll be here when you get back.”

He lingered by your door another moment more. “...You could… come into town with me.”

You just couldn’t help the smile that spilled across your face and he couldn’t help but smile back. “I’ll be five minutes!” You exclaimed excitedly, closing the door on him so that you could get ready.

He shook his head, amused, as he listened to you chaotically rummaging through your wardrobe. Just how much did you pack for this “short visit?”

“I’ll give you an hour!” He called through the door.

“Won’t take me that long!” You called back.

He chuckled to himself. Yes, yes it will.

59 minutes later (you didn’t want to give him free reign to tease you for taking the full hour), you looped your arm through his and sauntered off with him, ready to take on the town.

You should’ve been more focused on your image, should’ve been more aware of the people gawking at the two of you, as you giddily paraded through town with him, but even with all of those years learning how to sit and stand and speak like a proper lady, sometimes, when you were with Kiyoka, you were simply the girl he’d taught how to skip rocks or the girl who’d taught him how to wish on dandelions.

That girl was very dear to Kiyoka. But so was the girl who spoke many languages, who played many instruments, who wrote eloquently in her letters, who danced elegantly at balls, who sewed, who sung, who suddenly knew how to cook (as he’d always remembered her as the girl who somehow burnt his onigiri- you said it’d grown ‘cold’ and he’d chuckled into his hand before telling you it was supposed to be eaten cold.) The girl you had been and the girl you had to be both shared room in his heart, and he’d make even more room for even more versions of you that could ever or would ever exist.

So, as he watched the girl he held so dear prance her merry way from store to store, he thought he might allow himself to pretend a bit more.

“As your… doting ‘husband,’ I suppose I could find it in myself to purchase a few gifts for you. What would you like? You may name anything.”

You stopped in your tracks, eyes agleam. “Really? Anything?”

You discovered quickly that when he said anything, he truly did mean anything. After he agreed to buy you hats, gloves, and jewelry, you decided to further test the bounds of his graciousness. When, at your behest, he bought you sweets, gowns, a music box, a new instrument, and even a kitten, you realized that not only did he mean he’d buy you anything, he meant to buy you everything. All in the name of being a “proper husband.”

But you were not about to let him show you up. You bought him several new suits. A new sword. New belts. New robes. New cufflinks. New shoes. New ties. An extravagant lunch. All in the name of being a “proper wife.”

Of course, he tried not to let you, but you’d say it was his job as your “husband” to let his “wife” dress him up and stuff him full. You were just getting him into the habit of playing the part, after all- that was what you’d been sent to do. You’d accustom him to the life of being a husband and, little by little, the prospect of marriage wouldn’t seem so bad.

So, as the week went on, your little charade continued, and you reprised your roles as loving wife and husband.

You’d clean his house until it was spotless, until it was sparkling. He’d open doors for you, lead you forward with his arm. You’d fix his ties, brush his hair. He’d massage your shoulders, sear his warmth into your skin. You’d walk him to the door, wish him a good day. He’d come home from work, present you with a bouquet of flowers. It was all fun and games.

And then the pet names started.

He’d whisper his terms of endearment against your ear, murmuring “my dearest” and “my darling,” until you were flushed and flustered. And then he’d smirk, with stupid satisfaction sitting pretty on his lips. But, unwilling to be outdone, you’d then dance your fingers down his chest, purring “my lord” and “my love,” and it would be his turn to blush abashedly.

The cycle continued, and the line between pretend and reality was quick to blur. A day longer in this place, and you swore, you probably would’ve told even the mailman that you were now the lady of the house. A day longer and you probably would’ve planted a garden, ordered new wallpaper, started some project that only a resident of this house could see to its finish. A day longer and you might’ve caved, asked him to marry you for real, asked him to love you for real.

But no matter how pleasant the summer, the winter always comes. And you didn’t have a day more to spare. You’d spent a wonderful week by his side, but the days that had already passed only served as proof that your time with him was ending. And you were due back home. Due to report your failings to Hazuki.

“Sorry, I couldn’t set your brother up with someone; I was too busy pretending he was set up with me.”

“Sorry, I tried to imagine him marrying someone else and I think I almost puked.”

“Sorry, I love him. Actually, I’m not that sorry.”

As you packed up your things, you sighed. For Hazuki’s sake, you’d have to give it at least one more try before you said goodbye.

You found him in his office, like usual. You’d spent this whole week trying to pull him out of there, trying to get him to lighten up, live a little. And, for a moment, he was. He was living, he was enjoying himself. He’d spend his mornings watching you cook, his afternoons entertaining you, his evenings reminiscing with you, and his nights wishing to do it all over again the next day.

But then you told him you had to leave.

And it was as though all the progress you’d made with him was whisked away by the winter wind. And he was back in his office again. No more laughing. No more relaxing into your touch. No more crinkling at the edge of his eyes as he gave you a smile that made you want to kiss him. That made you need to kiss him. No more playing pretend. No more.

You knew it was coming. You both knew. It wasn’t a surprise. But what was a surprise was when you gave it one more weak attempt to suggest potential brides and he actually began to look over the files that you’d brought with you. Was he actually considering marrying one of these airheaded heiresses? And how rude would it be if you suddenly ripped up the papers in his hands? Would he laugh with you, thank you for saving him? Or would he rush to tape the shredded pieces back together, call up the first girl on the page?

Please. I beg you. Please, please, don’t pick her.

You held your breath as he read the first file.

He smiled. He actually fucking smiled.

That’s it. You were doomed. All was lost.

“Not this one.”

You blinked. What? But he just… he smiled? Why did he smile if he didn’t want her? You took the paper from him, confused.

He took the next paper from your shaking hands. When he read the sheet, he smiled again. This time, a little wider.

What the fuck?

“Next.”

Your brows furrowed. What was he playing at? How was he appearing so interested in these women as he read through their profiles and yet he was quickly rejecting them like they were nothing more than mud beneath his shoes? Not even beneath his shoes, beneath his horse’s shoes. You didn’t mind, but it certainly made you curious. You passed him the next paper, examining him warily.

This time he CHUCKLED. And then crumpled up the paper into a ball.

“Okay. Pause. What is going on right now, Kiyoka?”

He shrugged. “I’m going through marriage prospects. Like you asked.”

You raised a brow. “Are you though?” You slid the first candidate’s profile back onto his desk. “What was wrong with her? You smiled. Why did you smile? Doesn’t that mean you liked something you read? Why not choose her then? What’s wrong with her?” You bombarded him with questions, not stopping for breath.

“She loves cherries.” He said simply.

You rubbed your temples so hard you thought a genie might appear. “Okay… And why does that mean you can’t marry her?”

“You’re allergic to cherries.”

WHAT? “I’m sorry, what does that mean?” You asked politely.

“Well, she’ll want to have cherries in the house. And I simply can’t have them, not when you’re allergic.” He repeated, grinning slightly.

“But why would that make you smile?”

“I was remembering that time we discovered you were allergic to cherries. You’d confessed you’d felt the tingling on your tongue from the very first bite but still, you couldn’t help yourself and you continued to devour them until there was nothing left but littered cherry pits all over the floor and your swollen tongue to remember them by.”

You blushed at the thought. After that day, you never ate cherries again. Besides your cheeks puffing up and your tongue going so agonizingly numb, you’d stuffed yourself so full that you swore you felt the cherries bursting in your belly for days after that, and it made you so incredibly sick. You couldn’t believe he’d remembered it.

You shook your head and went back to the matter at hand, slamming down the next file on his desk. “What about her?” You pointed at the picture of the next woman he’d smiled at.

“She’s a violinist.”

You sighed. He was going to make you do all the work, wasn’t he? You’d really have to ask if you wanted him to explain. “And what’s wrong with marrying a violinist, Kiyoka?”

“Absolutely nothing, you’re a violinist after all.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose. “Okay. So. There’s nothing wrong with marrying a violinist, but there’s something wrong with marrying this violinist. Am I getting this right?”

His teasing grin made an appearance. “That’s correct.”

“And what’s wrong with her specifically?”

“Well, she’s not as good as you are at playing the violin.”

“You’ve never heard her play.”

“Trust me. She’s not as good.”

You rolled your eyes but a hint of a smile tugged at your lips. If you didn’t love this man so immensely, you’d find him ridiculous. “So. Then. Why. Did. You. Smile. So. Big??”

His grin widened. “I was remembering why you’re so good at the violin, why no one will ever be as good as you. You practiced for days and nights, you practiced so long I thought your fingers might bleed. And you sound amazing. But you didn’t always.” He brought his hand up to cover his mouth. You discerned a slight shake in his shoulders. Was he laughing at you?? “Once, I… I thought I’d sneak into your practice room to see how you were doing. I thought you were attempting to murder a goose.”

“Kiyoka!” You exclaimed, ears tinting red. After a moment of excruciating embarrassment, you finally crossed your arms and asked, “Was it… was it really that bad?”

He chortled. “It was less like murdering a goose, and more like performing an exorcism on one.”

You pinched his cheek in annoyance.

He grinned and captured your hand in his. “But you sound like an angel now?” He offered up innocently.

“Meanie.” You grumbled. “Fine. What about her?” You uncrumpled the balled up piece of paper.

“Her? What about her? She’s not you. None of them are you.”

Your heart skipped a beat, but you pressed on. “So why did you laugh so hard then?”

“We actually ran into her the day we went into town. You don’t remember her because you were too busy loading up the car with gifts.” He shook his head, chuckling. “Anyway, she said something I will not repeat, and right as I was on the verge of chiding her, you attempted to drive the car over to me even though you’ve never driven a car before, because lord knows you’re a daredevil, and you drove through a puddle and splashed her -and me- with mud. Of course, you only focused on me, and rushed me home to get changed, driving like a madman the whole way.” His throat rumbled with laughter and he clutched his shaking sides for support.

You blushed. “Oh dear, I suppose I should find her and apologize.”

He wiped a tear from his eye as he lifted his head to look at you again. “My wife doesn’t apologize. Or rather, she only apologizes to those who deserve it. And I love that about her. So, you need not apologize.”

“Your… w-wife?” You coughed.

He nodded, gazing at you fondly. “We can waste the last of our precious time together, shuffling through these stacks of papers, trying to find me a bride, but I already know, in my heart, that no one will ever compare to the woman who stands before me now. I’ve already made her my wife once, I can stand to do it again.”

His words echoed in your ears, clashing with the sound of your hammering heart.

And then he smiled that same smile that always made you want to kiss him.

And then you kissed him.

And he tasted like summer.

Taglist: @pixelcafe-network @minasfwoopyponytail @ouiouimochi @inkytypewriter

#my happy marriage #kiyoka kudo #kiyoka kudo x reader #anime fanfic #my happy marriage kudo #lord kudo #han's library

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m1stym0on · 3 months ago

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doing all the days at once, below the cut *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

1. 5’7 , cw 111 , lw 94 , hw 180

2. sometimes i wish i was shorter but i do kinda like my height a lot too

3. i’ll make a separate post w my fav th1nsp0 atm

4. i’m not sure i have any ‘greatest fears’ about weightloss, i do get kind of scared that i’ll have to be hospitalised one day though just because of what my family would think

5. i want to lose weight because i always feel like i have to, i feel better about myself when i’m losing. it’s not about looks.

6. i do binge A LOT, my binges used to be between 4-8k cals but i’ve managed to bring them down to always under 4k. i binge when i feel ‘out of control’ wether that’s through emotions or because i overate my c@ls slightly. i hate it smmmmm

7. my parents can tell when i’m not eating, but i live alone so all they can do is buy me food.

8. i don’t ever workout really, i never have any energy. BUT i do try to get in 5k steps and 100 sit ups everyday :)

9. i was pretty chunky growing up so i did used to get a few comments, none were meant as insults though. since being skinny i just get positive comments about my weight and body

10. the hardest thing to give up is takeaways and going out drinking, the c@ls are just way too uncountable for me and i could work around it but it makes me SO ANXIOUS

11. n/a

12. i really love oatmeal, and yoghurt w granola and berries. i typically eat breakfast or protein bars or chocolate as well

13. i’m on 3dblr what do you think

14. my ugw is either 95/100lbs or whenever i decide i’m sick enough to recover (never)

15. i’m not either but i do sometimes like vegan/vegetarian alternatives to dairy or meat and i would definitely consider going vegetarian or vegan for a short amount of time - like maybe a few months?

16. i first decided to lose weight in december 2020, i was around 180lbs and immediately started a 1200cal diet that never ended

17. i’m not sure if i have an ed, if i do it’s probably ednos because i kind of have symptoms of a few different diagnoses

18. biscuits and cookies always get me man nothing else makes me lose control like that. gimme a pack of marylands and it’s over.

19. i ate fast food a few weeks ago, i don’t cut out ‘bad foods’ i just incorporate them into my c@ls

20. i don’t have any fav diet but i do love @honeysugarfree and all their posts <3

21. i’m a uk 6 or xs in tops and a uk 8 / s in bottoms :)

22. my lowest weight was i think 94, not sure because i stopped caring about the sc@le. i only gained because my auntie saw me at christmas for the first time in a while and then contacted my family about my ‘worrying appearance’. my dad ended up taking me to the doctors and i was put on a m3al plan, so forced r3c0very

23. no it’s not about the media, l0sing weight for me is all about how it feels on my body and comparing myself to people in real life, or that’s how it started anyways

24. i know the original terms meant community and pro acceptance but since now they have such stigma i’m not sure how i feel about them

25. i do struggle with p.rg1ng a few times a week but i’m trying to stop. i don’t actually remember the first real time but i do remember my ex bf teaching me how to thr0w up when i felt sick from drinking ??

26. i just want to feel valid in my eating problems, so i guess that’s what i want out of my ugw this time. but i’m also of course excited to feel fragile, delicate emo girl fr

27. i usually just have to distract myself if i’m around food like with gum or remind myself about my goals over and over in my head, i do find it pretty hard to be honest

28. i do really really want that th1gh g4p but i am kinda nervy about my short shorts and mini skirt not looking slut / tight anymore when i go out (dumb maybe)

29. honestly my definition of beauty is femininity

30. 10 facts! i do fine art at uni, i’m 19, i live alone, i have 2 little kitty cats, my fav colour is bluey purple. my fav flowers are chrysanthemums, peonies, hydrangeas. fav foods are fish and chips, pasta, COOKIES and biscuits, ramen (all so h1gh c4l i could die). alr that’s enough facts i can’t think of anymore my brain’s fried to pieces

okayy i just wanted to answer all these at once because i was bored, ily if u read it all ♥

#light as a feather #light as a 🪶#@n@ diary #@nor3×14 #th1gh g@p #tw ana bløg #f@st1ng

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leasstories · 1 year ago

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Lea’s Calendar day 2: A cozy holiday night with Eddie

@writerthreads writing prompt for Christmas (2022), prompt 17:

[“Come sit by the fireplace, it’s getting cold.”]

WC: ≈670

Eddie x gn!reader

No trigger warning

December, 23rd 1986

Eddie and you decided to spend Christmas just the two of you. You rented wooden cottage in Delaney Creek Park. It was two hours’ drive from Hawkins and as Eddie is still recovering from his wounds inflicted by the Demobats, you were the one driving Eddie’s van. You arrived around 6pm and you let Eddie sit in the huge rocking chair next to the fireplace. Meanwhile, you unload Eddie and your luggage from the van. Obviously, Eddie couldn’t travel without one of his guitars, but knowing you would be the one unloading he has been merciful and considerate and only took his acoustic guitar. After unloading everything from the van, you put on your coat and boots.

Eddie looks at you from his seat and asks you “What are you doing babe?”

“Just going outside to find wood for the fireplace” You softly answer while zipping your coat.

“I already miss you…” Eddie whines.

You chuckle. “I’ll be here really soon, you won’t even notice I was gone. I promise. You should rest, maybe take a nap love, you got out of the hospital only a month ago.”

“I rested enough in the hospital, and I’ve been without you long enough. Please babe, stay…” Eddie says, pouting. Since almost dying in the Upside Down, Eddie became extra-clingy with you, he wants to be with you all the time and when you have to leave to do grocery shopping or else, he always whines. You find it adorable and even though you’d like to stay with him 24/7, some things must be done.

“Eddie, I promise I’ll be quick.” You tell him before pecking his lips and leaving by the front door. You gather as much wood as you can and come back inside freezing. Eddie is sound asleep, so you try make the least noise possible. You put the wood you gathered on the ground and take off your boots and coat. Then, you silently walk to the fireplace. On your way there, you put a blanket on Eddie’s asleep body and kiss his forehead. You kneel by the fireplace, put some wood inside and light a match to start the fire. Once the fire started, you go to the kitchen and start cooking dinner. Tonight, Eddie and you are going to eat Eddie’s favorite dish: Mac N Cheese. You start cooking it when you hear Eddie calling your name. You go back to the living room before asking “Yes love?”

“Come sit by the fireplace, Sweetheart, it’s getting cold.” Eddie softly tells you.

“Let me finish cooking and I’ll be here in a sec my love” You answer right before kissing Eddie’s forehead.

10 minutes later, you come back with two bowls of Mac N Cheese. You give one to Eddie and sit on the ground, by the fireplace. You both eat while talking about Christmas but also about the New Year. Eddie tells you how grateful he is to have you in his life and he tells you how he can’t wait to officially move in with you in 1987.

After you finished eating you go to the kitchen to do the dishes. When you come back, you find Eddie, sat on the ground, his ‘Dragon slaying machine’ (as he likes to call his acoustic guitar) in hand and he pats the space next to him for you to sit. You obey and sit crisscross next to him. And that night, by the fireplace, Eddie plays the first love song he ever wrote. A love song specially written for you. It describes how grateful he is to have you by his side, it thanks you for taking such good care of him during his recovery, but most of all, it tells you how much Eddie loves you. You started tearing up at half of the song, and when Eddie was done, he wiped away your tears and kissed you passionately.

It might not be Christmas Eve, but Eddie just made you the best gift you’ve ever had.

#Lea’s advent calendar #Lea’s advent calendar 2023 #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x yn #eddie munson lives #eddie munson comfort #eddie munson is a sweetheart #drabble #based on a prompt

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lanaconfesses · 23 days ago

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"Save me or I’ll die from sadness right now."

That’s the message I send to Adrian. He replies immediately (once, he confessed that he has a special notification sound just for our chat).

"What did he do this time?"

I don’t know how, but it feels like Adrian can sense everything in my head and soul. I’m starting to worry he can read thoughts – at least mine.

"How do you know it’s about Alex?"

Alex is my… well, it’s complicated. We started dating last Christmas, broke up in May, and hadn’t talked until September – he blocked me, leaving me alone with three awful months of pure hysteria. Just as I was starting to recover from everything, he unblocked me and wrote (partly thanks to my bestie, but I’ll tell you that story another time), and now he writes every so often – maybe once a month. And a couple of weeks ago, we somehow confessed our love for each other, and now it’s just a complete mess trying to figure out what the hell is going on between us.

"Who else could it be about?"

I exhale and finally decide to vent to Adrian, even though he already dislikes Alex enough.

"Well, nothing specific really. It’s just that his replies are so cold, I can feel the chill through the screen. Like he doesn’t even care. I get it, depression and all that, but…"

"Little shit. Don’t cry over him, princess. Want me to do something to make you feel better?"

And that’s how I ended up in Adrian’s car that evening. He showed up under my building as a surprise – told me to come down, we’re going for a ride.

So now we’re driving through the city at night – no particular destination, just cruising. I happily admire the city lights like a cat at Christmas tree. Adrian laughs at me and drives, playing the music I like. First, we hit the city highway – speeding through downtown. Neon signs – blue, pink, purple. Traffic lights – red, yellow, emerald. The lights in the windows – white. Street lamps – blue and orange. My eyes dissolve into all these colors, unfocus, relax. Alex’s face finally fades away (whether my eyes are open or closed).

Then we drive onto a road that takes us between the city park and the lake. My body melts into the passenger seat. I imagine I’m lying on the water – on the surface of the cold December lake. I’m lying there, drifting on small waves, not sinking, not swimming, just lying. Under me, huge catfish swim, as big as logs, looking like tree trunks fallen into the water, but I don’t care. I’m just lying there, staring at the starry sky. Alex is probably looking at it too right now – standing on his balcony, holding a cigarette between his fingers.

"Are you already asleep, kid?" Adrian laughs at me.

"Don’t call me a kid," I pretend to be offended, but the satisfied smile betrays my insincerity.

Adrian calls me that a lot, and honestly, he has every right to. He’s older than me – he’s 27, I’m 20, and he’s known me since I was literally a kid. Our families have been friends for a long time, so Adrian used to babysit me during family gatherings. He probably wasn’t thrilled about it back then, but as you can see, he still babysits me now.

"Are you not so sad anymore?" he asks, concern in his voice.

I shake my head, though I’m still sad – it’s just that at least now I don’t feel abandoned or unwanted. I’m tempted to snap a photo and post it on social media so Alex can see that I’m out with someone, but I don’t do it – he (unfortunately or fortunately) isn’t stupid and would figure out that I did it on purpose for him. And I don’t want that. I’ve already humiliated myself enough in front of him.

"So, maybe you’ll tell me what happened between you two?"

I flinch, remembering. I’m angry at Alex, even though I’m still in love with him. It’s such a weird feeling – loving and being furious at the same time. You know, something in between "I hope you die" and "I’ll die without you."

"Well, nothing...," I exhale heavily. "It seems to be sorting itself out. We started texting a little. But he doesn’t reply for a long time, doesn’t read my messages, answers unwillingly... I asked if he even wanted me to write, and he said ‘I’m all for it.’ I just don’t understand what’s going on. Alex is… well, Alex."

Adrian laughs and shakes his head.

"And the most important thing I feel is that he still loves me. It’s just that his love is so strange. It’s like… it’s not really love at all."

"Love can be different," Adrian says philosophically as he turns onto a narrow two-lane road on the other side of the lake. The streetlights flicker in different colors, and I stare again like a cat at a Christmas tree. "Just because he loves you differently than you’d like doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you at all. Besides, you said he’s depressed."

"Depressed," I sigh, confirming. "I know. It’s just so hard for me. I want everything to be completely different from how it is."

"Distance also plays a role," Adrian continues to comfort me. "If you were in the same city right now, you’d already have gone on a few dates, kissed in some dark alley, and your love would have flared up again."

"If we were in the same city, we wouldn’t have broken up!" I scoff. "Everything got ruined with that rushed attempt to live together."

"Well, screw it," Adrian shrugs. "You can see for yourself, something brought you two back together anyway. Give the guy a chance to get out of his depression, after all."

"Since when are you defending him?" I laugh.

"If I say everything I really want to, you’ll scratch my eyes out, and we’ll crash somewhere."

I laugh. It’s true: only I can say nasty things about Alex, and only when I’m justifiably angry with him. And I’m always justifiably angry because I’m such a fair person and definitely not an overly emotional girl, I swear.

"Hungry?"

It’s not that my stomach is hungry, but I have a very bad habit of eating away sadness, anger, tears, and pretty much everything else.

"A little."

We stand by the McDonald's until we've eaten everything we ordered. I've always envied Adrian for being able to eat as much as he wants and stay as skinny as a dried fish – I wish I had that superpower too. He's finishing his third burger, choking on laughter from my jokes, while I can't finish my one single burger, still laughing at some nonsense, even though I know that tomorrow morning, after this midnight snack, it's probably better not to step on the scale.

It’s snowing outside. Against the streetlight, I can see how tiny snowflakes fall slowly, spinning in the air. Our jackets are on the back seat, and I also envy Adrian for having the superpower to go outside in just a turtleneck and not freeze. Lana Del Rey is singing about the West Coast on the radio, and it contrasts so much with the landscape outside the windshield that I feel like I'm in a dream.

"Not so angry anymore?" Adrian laughs, biting into a nugget.

"I think I overate" I groan, weakly leaning back on the seat and gently patting my stomach.

Adrian chuckles softly.

"What could you have overeaten? Are you on your diets again? "

I've been on diets for as long as I can remember, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve been losing weight, then slipping and gaining it back. During the three months I was lying in bed, crying 24/7, I gained weight from stress, so now it's that period when I'm trying to lose it again. The endless circle of diets in my life. It would break if I had the strength to get into the habit of normal eating and some exercise, but I’m either too lazy or too weak-willed.

"No, I’m not on a diet," I deny, because Adrian will scold me if I admit it. He’s the type of person who constantly tells me that losing weight this way is dangerous, but who listens to him? Maybe someday I’ll get tired of it all, and I’ll actually listen to his advice, but probably not in this life. "It’s just that I can’t eat as much in one go as you."

He bursts out laughing. Adrian never believes me when I say I get full eating so little. No one really believes me. Maybe they would if I were thin, but I’m not.

He wipes his mouth and hands with the napkin I kindly offered, tucks his long dark-blonde hair behind his ears (it came out of the knot on the back of his neck), and drinks some cola.

"Should I take you home, or do you want to stop at the gas station with me and drive around a bit more?"

I don’t want to go home – there, I’ll lock myself in my room and cry over Alex again. So, the bright lit-up “M” fades behind us, and we head to the outskirts of the city.

At the gas station, Adrian gets out to fill up the tank and pay, while I stay in the car and sing along. Honestly, after the burger and Fanta, my mood has improved. Even though the song is sad (it’s Lana Del Rey! whose other songs can exist for you in the period when you are suffering because of a boyfriend?), I’m almost dancing in my seat, imagining I’m singing on stage, occasionally looking at Alex in the audience, who’s shedding a solitary tear, realizing from the lyrics how deeply he’s hurt me with his behavior. And I sing to him, and to thousands of other cold, distant guys who can’t return their girlfriends’ love. Too bad it's just fantasy, and even if it were true, Alex wouldn’t care about what I’m singing about. A sad song is just a sad song, what’s there to think about?

It’s not that he changed in any special way. From the very beginning of our relationship, he wasn’t very open with his affections – that’s just who he is. Along with his natural secrecy and phlegmatic nature, he also has depression and struggles with studying, so blaming him is truly pointless. But I still wanted our relationship to look different. I wanted to go on dates with him, kiss under streetlights, send each other cute love memes in the chat, and feel… well, you know, like a girl who has a boyfriend. I bite my cheek, unwilling to admit the real thought that’s been running through my mind all evening: it should have been Alex driving me around the city at night, feeding me at McDonald's, and entertaining me with funny jokes, not Adrian. Although, Alex doesn’t have a driver’s license or a car, but you get what I mean.

Adrian comes back with a couple of my favorite candy bars and insists on pushing them into my hands.

"Here, keep them in case you get hit with another love slump."

I laugh weakly and put the candy bars in my purse. Something tells me I’ll end up eating them tonight, to the sound of sad songs (I have a separate playlist called “him❤️‍🩹” filled with a bunch of sad songs, what a shame, yeah?), if I don’t forget they’re in my purse and they don’t melt.

"Come on, stop moping," he pats me encouragingly on the shoulder. "Two depressed people in one couple is a bit too much. Someone has to stay alright."

I laugh out of obligation, tilt my head on my shoulder, and admire the snowstorm that’s gotten stronger while we were at the gas station. Something tells me that tonight, in my journal, I’ll draw myself with Alex, dreaming about what could have been if it had been him, instead of Adrian, tonight.

#ex bf #ex boyfriend #journal #tumblr girls #dear diary #digital diary

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lilypadlys · 1 year ago

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Domestic December Day 8 - Comfort During a Storm

Aurora and Phantom experience their first thunderstorm topside.

Prompt list by comp-lady. See prompt list here

Thunderstorms and cuddle piles below the cut or on AO3

A storm has been brewing all day. Aurora, being partly air, can sense the tension in the atmosphere. It’s like an itch just under her skin. Something is on the way. Now dark clouds and fierce winds foretell the storm’s arrival and it looks like it's going to be a big one.

So far in her brief time topside, Aurora has only experienced rain a couple times. The other ghoulettes took her outside with them the first time it rained after her summoning. At first she watched suspiciously from underneath an awning as the ghoulettes ran about in the sprinkle. It was just a light gentle rain, softly dampening the earth with a fine mist. Mist herself even joined the girls that day, briefly dropping her stoic demeanor and smiling openly as she let the rain wash over her skin.

Slowly but surely, they coaxed her out from under the cover. She had squealed a little when the first cool drops hit her face. Quickly though, she began to dance and twirl around, her air and water elements having a field day with all the energy in the air. After that she began to be the first to run outside whenever light drops began to smatter the windows.

Now though, she sits by a window and pouts. The other had held her back as she prepared to race outside. They said that a thunderstorm was on the horizon and that it was dangerous. When she asked why, they tried to explain lightning and thunder to her, but she didn’t really understand. Still, she heeded their warnings and resolved to just watch the rain from here. Until the first arc of lightning flashed across the sky.

She marveled, eyes huge, as the sudden flash sliced the sky in half. She could almost feel the electricity in the air. She pressed closer to the window, watching for another, when instead she was greeted by a cacophonous boom of thunder. The window rattled with it and the wind picked up even more.

Aurora recoiled in shock, her poor sensitive ears unprepared for the noise. She shrunk back from the window in apprehension, barely having time to recover when a second flash lit the sky. This time, when the foundation shaking thunder sounded, she decided she’d had enough and bravely ran to hide. She scurried down the hall and nearly ran into Phantom.

“Hey Ant. You okay?” He had a worried expression on his face and he kept looking behind him. Another crash of thunder gave her her answer as they both jumped and the quintessence ghoul yelped in fright.

“It’s scary.” He mumbled embarrassedly.

“Yeah. I’m scared too.” She admitted. “What should we do?”

“Maybe go find the others?”

“Okay do you know where-” Aurora is cut off by another boom of thunder, managing to be the loudest yet. “On second thought…”

“Yeah, let's stay here.”

The two of them huddle right there in the hall; wrapped into a tight ball of ghoul on the floor under a side table. That’s how Mountain finds them, curled up so snug it's unclear where one ends and the other starts, and flinching as one every time the thunder sounds.

“There you two are.” Mountain sighs in relief. “We’ve been looking for you everywhere. C’mon. We’ll head to my room and get you two settled. It’s going to be alright.”

Nervously, Aurora and Phantom disentangle themselves and follow the gentle giant to his room. He has the lights dimmed, lit by lamps and the fire. The blinds are closed and the window blocked with a thick quilt to block the light and muffle some of the sound. His bed is a nest of blankets and furs. Mountain flops on the bed first and allows the two smaller ghouls to curl on either side. He sends a quick text to the group chat before wrapping his arms around both of them and cooing softly.

Mountain: I found Bug and Rory. Got them in my room.

Cumulus: Oh thank Satan. I’m on the way.

Swiss: I’ll bring Bug’s headphones. Does Rory want ear plugs?

Cumulus: I’ll bring some just in case.

Cumulus and Swiss arrive quickly, Phantom’s noise canceling headphones and ear plugs in tow. Phantom makes grabby hands for his headphones and visibly relaxes once they cover his ears. Cumulus holds the ear plugs out to Aurora.

“Hey sweetheart. Want ear plugs? They’ll help with the noise.” She points to her own set in emphasis.

Aurora nods and accepts them. “Thank you.” She instantly feels a little better, the soft foam blocking the worst of the noise.

Cumulus and Swiss curl up on Aurora and Phantom’s other sides; Mountain’s bed fortunately being big enough to allow five ghouls to fit at once. They begin to soothe their respective ghouls and soon enough everyone is purring up a storm of their own. Even when the worst of the storm blows through, the thunder gone and leaving only the pelting rain, the ghouls stay there curled up. Only once Phantom and Aurora feel sure that the thunder poses no further threat do they both remove their hearing protection and relax fully.

“Sorry about all that.” Cumulus murmurs. “We meant to find you sooner but the storm came quicker than we thought.”

“Yeah,” Swiss nods. “We got caught halfway across the ministry and then couldn’t find you.”

“It'ssokay.” Phantom mumbles sleepily, snuggling closer into Mountain and Swiss.

“Yeah. I’m okay now.” Aurora agrees, only slightly more lucid.

“Looks like it’s nap time now.” Swiss grins. Mountain is already snoring, able to sleep through a hurricane if he wanted. The other four settle back down and join him in sleep.

#the band ghost #ghost fanfiction #nameless ghouls #aurora ghoulette #phantom ghoul #mountain ghoul #cumulus ghoulette #swiss ghoul #comfort #ghoul cuddles #pack cuddles #fluff #domestic december 2023 #lys writes

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la-principessa-nuova · 5 months ago

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I’m definitely on a sort of downward spiral of distractibility and sleep schedule.

My official plan is to sleep 12am-8am and work 9am-5pm.

I was doing so well last year, typically falling asleep somewhere between 11 and 1, and waking up naturally somewhere between 7 and 8.

Then in early December, I had the moment where I understood my gender dysphoria and that I needed to transition, and that night I stayed up until 4 am reading about gender dysphoria and then until 5 am taking notes about it and buying stuff to try out presenting femme.

I never fully recovered from that night.

Eventually, around the time I started therapy, I mostly solved the issue (not because the therapy helped me with it, but more like being in a better place helped me get through finding a therapist finally). I was going to bed like 1-3 am, waking up 8:30-9 on weekdays, 8:30-11 on weekends.

Then I came out to my mom and sister, and there were a few nights after that where they unexpectedly came over with a barrage of questions and “concerns” and every time I’d planned on doing something else and so when they left I just continued on as if they hadn’t been there and stayed up late.

But then I got in the habit again of staying up until after 3am, with most nights not being in bed until 4am and so many nights that i’m up past 5am.

so then i sleep through my 8am alarm and usually wake up to my 9am one, check my email and teams on my phone, and if there’s nothing important, i go back to sleep.

So like right now it’s 12:15pm, and I haven’t gotten out bed to start working yet, aside from a few emails I read and archived in bed. Luckily the nature of my job doesn’t require me to do it on a schedule, aside from if i have meetings or someone asks me something, so I’ve been able to work around it mostly, except the part where I’m soooi tired all the time bc even with sleeping in, i’m only getting like 4-6 hours per night.

And I have an interview today for a job that would require me to get out of bed every morning and be on a call at 9 AM, and I kind of can’t imagine that even though I did it for years with no problem.

But I just keep getting so distracted. Like last night I went upstairs at like 11ish PM. I went up because I had an idea for a comic that I wanted to make, that I’d gotten distracted when I tried to make it earlier, and I sat down thinking I’ll do a quick doodle of it to get the idea out, maybe finish it, and be in bed by 1 AM. Then I got more distracted and ended up not staring drawing until almost 1 AM.

But it’s OK, I told myself, I’ll just doodle the concept really quickly and go to bed. Then I got hyper-focused on drawing, and suddenly it was, no joke, after 5 AM.

When I saw how late it was, I immediately went to bed. But by the time I fell asleep it was after 5:30.

But, like, the less I sleep the easier I get distracted and hyperfocus on the wrong things, and the more I do that, the less I sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.

I have some ideas to try to get myself back on track, but PDA makes it a real struggle to stick to plans that are ultimately about getting me to stop doing what I want and yield my time, since as soon as I go to sleep, my time is over and the next thing I have to do is work again.

#adhd #autism #audhd #pda autism #transgender #trans #pda profile #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #adult adhd

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daydreamgoddess14 · 2 years ago

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My bad habits lead to you pt. 5

MASTERLIST

Sequel to We lie awake in love and fear

From a prompt by @lilacmermaid25:

5 times Ted returns from Kansas for a wedding, one time he returns 'just because'.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Here we go... nearly at the end now. Sorry in advance for the cliffhanger! 😘

Chapter 5

Colin and Michael - New Year's Day 2025

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 31st November 2024

Subject: Stuff

Hello Henry,

Thanks for your email, I hope you've recovered from Thanksgiving? How's the TIE Fighter coming along? You'll have to send me a photo next time. I was thinking of getting a Millenium Falcon for Christmas but I'm not sure your mum would want it taking up her house! Maybe I can get one and you can keep it here. I'm sorry to hear about your dad and Marie, you were right - he didn't tell me. I hope he's OK, he told me what you said when you came over last time. He wants to be close to you, and I can't blame him - you're so much fun to hang out with! Next time you visit we'll have to plan some days out - as long as you don't mind me tagging along?

Speak to you soon!

With warm regards, Rebecca

(Hi Michelle, of course I don't mind, it's lovely to hear from both of you. I sometimes wonder what might have happened if Ted hadn't been so stubborn in keeping his UK and Kansas lives so separate. Take care, R)

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 7th December 2024

Subject: Christmas

Hey Becca (can I call you that? Dad does so…?),

I hope you're ready for Christmas? I can't wait to visit again, I hope I can get dad to agree to take me in the spring. It would be so cool to have a Millenium Falcon! But it is huge, mom said it could live at yours and we can build it together when I visit. I asked mom whether I could visit more but she said it's up to my dad.

Thanks for the Roblox credits! There's a way cool new game on there I want to try!

Love H xoxo

Hey Rebecca, at this point I think Henry’s ready to hop on a plane alone to visit. He misses Richmond so much! I think I'll join him! It's a shame Ted can't understand that it's not just about where he is. I'm guessing you haven't spoken to him recently but he's probably less present a few blocks away than he was 4000 miles away. How can I persuade him that home isn't a place? After what I've heard about/from Marie, I get it now. It's you. Will keep trying, but you know how stubborn he is! Speak soon, Chelle xo

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 18th December 2024

Subject: Christmas

Hi both!

Did you get the Christmas box OK? Just some things for both of you. The Falcon is safe in my office ready for when you visit!

You're both welcome to visit whenever you want - without Ted if you wish!

(Here’s the boring bit for mum! If only you knew the things I suggested to him. Schools for both of you - anything you wanted or needed. I know it was too much to ask of you though. Just as I'd never ask Ted to leave Henry, he'd never ask you to uproot your lives in Kansas. It's not about me, I know this is the sacrifice he believes he needs to make as a parent.)

We had a crazy Christmas party this week - Isaac dressed as Santa again and we somehow managed to get Jamie to dress up as an Elf! I've sent some of the tamer pictures for you, but it did get wild! Nate has got a new Karaoke machine and it gets a bit of a workout every Friday after training. I’m pretty sure it’s just so Roy can go and do some work in peace though and he knows they won’t bother him. I’m going to Leslie’s for Christmas dinner this year, but first I have to go and take some gifts to some families in the community. I’ll pop in and say hello to Mae for you, H - she asks after you all the time! She suggested one of the gifts in your box - I wonder if you can guess which one?!

Love, Becca (of course you can call me Becca, darling. I love it!) xxx

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 24th December 2024

Subject: Christmas

Hi Becca,

Merry Christmas!

Your gift box was way too generous - thank you! Henry loved all of it - especially the dart board! And I'm so grateful for the things you included for me, you really shouldn't have!

Hen told his dad that we'd been mailing you, I think he was a little surprised!

I don't think you overstepped by looking into schools etc. It just shows how much you care for Ted - for all of us, really. Things were obviously a bit strained at the time with Jake around. Turns out he wasn’t as great as I thought - always the way!

Have a great Christmas & hopefully we'll get to see you soon.

Love, Chelle & H xoxo

~~~~~~~~~

Rebecca beamed at her inbox, the month she’d spent exchanging emails with Henry and Michelle had been lovely - her responses had gotten less and less formal and she’d really been able to see Michelle in a new light. Though she hadn’t heard from Ted personally and therefore wasn’t supposed to know about his split with Marie, she was grateful that Henry had told her. It had brought her so much joy to send a huge gift basket over to them for Christmas. She’d laughed hysterically at the thought of Henry and Michelle trawling through the big box with gifts for both of them while Ted looked on utterly bemused. She’d sent a box to him too, a separate one with new LASSO Richmond shirts - she hadn’t taken him off the staff workwear order list so every few months a handful of new training polos arrived for him, she’d taken to sleeping in them. She’d also put a really great picture of the two of them from Keeley and Roy’s wedding where they’d been laughing together in the box along with the snacks she knew he’d come to love which he couldn’t get in the US. She’d had the guru in the IT department burn a CD for her - to their horror - of songs she’d noted that reminded her of Ted. She could picture him driving Henry to school and the Macarena coming on. She’d had a wonderful Christmas dinner with the Higgins’ and members of the team who didn’t have family locally. Since the year when everyone had descended on his house, the event had remained popular and once she’d done her gift deliveries she’d joined them. She’d taken photos of the huge table - the surfboard needed to be used again, selfies with half the team and Julie, and sent them to Ted. She’d video called Keeley, Roy and Jamie who’d had a quiet morning but were expecting Phoebe for a sleepover, she’d caught up with her mother, Sassy and Nora and exchanged messages with Trent. By 10pm she was back home and exhausted. She poured a large glass of wine and took it to her sitting room where she could put her feet up and Netflix on. Her phone buzzed on the arm of the sofa with a call from Ted.

“Hello stranger. Merry Christmas.”

“Hey Becca, Merry Christmas. Sorry it’s been a while.”

“I’ll forgive you. How’s your day going?” She checked her watch, late afternoon for Ted.

“So far so good. Been at Michelle’s with Hen and both of our moms.”

“Hmm… ouch?”

“Something like that. I keep running into Michelle in the kitchen trying to hide from them. Henry keeps dragging us back in so he doesn’t have to handle them alone.”

“Poor boy, you can’t do that to him!”

“Good job someone sent him a heap of lego to keep him busy?”

“If you think that’s a lot of lego, you should see my home office.”

“You didn’t have to, you know?”

“I wanted to. Henry means a lot to me, he deserves to be spoiled.”

“And Michelle? I didn’t realise my ex wife and my… you had gotten so close.”

“My you? We’ve made a connection, that’s all. And I remember you said she’d heard about my skincare routine so I thought I’d send some products. One of those luxuries she’d never purchase for herself.”

“At 200 dollars a bottle?”

“Ted, we’re in our forties, I have no intention of looking like my father when I get to 70 and ‘m sure neither does Michelle. We have to take care of ourselves.” He didn’t respond. “Ted, are you mad that your ex wife and son and I are emailing each other?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know. Why does it feel like you’re all conspiring against me?”

“We would never do that. I don’t know what kind of woman you think I am, Ted, but I distinctly recall telling you that I would never influence your choices when it came to Henry. And Henry and Michelle are looking out for you.”

“Some would call it meddling.”

“Some would call it loving you. If you’re going to be a prick, I’m hanging up. It’s Christmas day and You’ve Got Mail is on.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right. Of course Henry isn’t meddling, he’s a kid.”

“He knows more than you give him credit for. He knows his own mind, and he knows when the people he loves aren’t happy.” Silence again. “Are you coming over next week? For the wedding?”

“Of course, I’ve got a streak to maintain.” Rebecca choked on her wine. “In that, I haven’t missed a Richmond wedding yet?”

“Right, that streak. Well Colin is very excitable. Everyone is looking forward to seeing you.”

“I’m surprised they’re not sick of me. Is it me or has there been a lot of weddings since I left?”

“No, there has. Keeley and I were talking about it. They all seem to be happening in very quick succession. I’m ready for a break from them now. But you know us, any excuse for a good party.”

“True.” He mused. "How've you been?"

"Good, I've not long gotten back from Leslie’s. Half the team were there, it was a lovely day. Thierry is awful at charades and Richard brought his new Victoria's Secret model girlfriend."

"Sounds fun, what's she like?"

"Oh she's lovely, she's doing a PHD in mechanical engineering. The modelling is just a side hustle."

"Sounds like the premise for a romcom."

"It does, doesn't it? Suffice to say all of the boys were very enamoured with her. Though I think she's far too smart for them."

"Someone I know is remarkably similar, actually."

"Keeley? That's what I said."

"You, sweetheart."

"Don't be silly."

"Underestimated by anyone and everyone."

"Except you."

"Oh I'm definitely stupid enough to have underestimated you in the past. I try to avoid it now." She heard hushed voices in the background of the call, "hang on a sec." She waited for a minute and her phone beeped with a request to switch to video. She accepted and the screen filled with Ted and Henry.

"Henry!"

"Becca! Merry Christmas!"

"You too! Having fun?"

"Both grandma's are asleep on the sofa. I came to get dad to do some lego."

"You guys had better run then! Can't miss out on lego."

"Have you had a good day?"

"I have, thank you, all the better for seeing you though!"

"Mom says hi, she's starting the book you sent her."

"That's wonderful, darling. You've still got the rest of the day to have fun, it's nearly bedtime for me." Ted watched back and forth, first surprised by Henry calling her 'Becca', then by her calling him 'darling'. "I'll let you both go, thank you for calling me. It was so lovely to hear you both. Ted, I'll see you in a few days? And H, we'll work on a Spring visit? See you soon my love!" She said with a wink.

"Go choose a lego set, Hen, I'll just say goodbye to Becca." Henry disappeared from view, "A Spring visit?"

"We've got some great days out planned. You should join us." Rebecca said with a smirk.

"You're trouble."

"Only occasionally."

"I'll see you in a few days."

"You will. Goodnight, Ted. Merry Christmas."

"Goodnight, Bec. Merry Christmas."

~~~~~~~~

Ted was due to arrive the day before New Year's eve. Rebecca and Keeley had planned on attending the match late afternoon on New Year's eve and then a low key team celebration to see in 2025. Roy had given strict instructions for everyone to have a tame night, nothing wild or crazy, so that they could all be fresh and ready for Colin's wedding.

"Come on, Jamie!" Rebecca roared alongside Ted as Jamie received the ball from Dani and found space through the center of the pitch. They were 2-0 down and the second half had just started. They needed three goals in the next 45 minutes to avoid struggling in the second half of the season. He hit the post and Rebecca growled in frustration, the ball bounced back towards Sam who managed to get it under control and take a shot of his own. Nelson Road went crazy as Sam's shot found the goal. Rebecca was on her feet, as were Keeley and Ted. The ball was barely back in play when Dani took a shot of his own to make it 2-2.

"I don't know whether I like watching from up here more, or down by the pitch. I didn't realise how excited you get." He said with a knowing grin.

"Ted, this is nothing - I thought she was going to run down to the pitch during your last game!" Keeley laughed. The match frustratingly slowed down and Richmond were unable to score again, luckily neither did the other team so they settled with a tie. Beard did some complicated math over dinner at Ola's and tried to come up with the various combinations of final standings until Rebecca took his notebook away with a glare,

"We are 5 months away from the end of the season. We're only halfway through." She sat back down next to Ted and stashed the book into her bag. Isaac's hand came down to knock on the table.

"Get the karaoke out - Jamie's gotta sing Britney!" he ordered.

"Why?!"

"You hit the post. Thems the rules bro."

"Nah man, we got the goal!"

"Sammy got the goal. You got the post. Sing for me, pretty boy." Jamie cursed and grumbled while Nate set the machine up. He soon warmed up to his audience and treated them all to a rendition of Toxic - complete with saucy dance moves.

"It's no Macarena, but that boy can dance." Ted pointed out.

"One day, I'm sure he'll teach you how to Macarena if it means that much to you." Rebecca soothed.

"I'd rather learn it from you. Them hips definitely don't lie, honey." They’d hardly left each other's side since he arrived at Nelson Road just in time for the match, they'd also not said a word about Marie. Rebecca could feel the knowledge that he was single coursing through her veins, it both put her on edge and comforted her all at once. It seemed to put more tension between them. Should anything happen, neither of them would be in the wrong this time, but the arrival and departure of both Matthijs and Marie hadn't never really been the issue. They'd just been disguising the original blocker of Ted's move back to Kansas. The karaoke continued despite Roy trying to tame them all. When it became clear that Colin and Michael were also up for a party, no one else had any excuse to leave early. If the grooms wanted to sing karaoke the night before their wedding then the team wouldn't let them down. After much persuasion from Rebecca and Keeley - who'd both worked their way through the Spice Girls back catalogue - Ted was finally on stage. He'd refused to sing alone though so Keeley cued up a duet for him to share with Rebecca.

Don't go breaking my heart

I couldn't if I tried

Honey if I get restless

Baby you're not that kind

Don't go breaking my heart

You take the weight off of me

Honey when you knock on my door

Ooh, I gave you my key

They bumped hips in time to the music, Rebecca’s arm over his shoulder and a shared microphone between them. Around the room, the team loved every second.

Woo hoo

Nobody knows it

But when I was down

I was your clown

Woo hoo

Nobody knows it

Right from the start

I gave you my heart

Oh-oh

I give you my heart

Rebecca pointed at Ted, singing every word to him. He joined in, laughing and spinning her around. Jamie watched curiously,

"Ey, are they together or what?" He nudged Roy.

"Fuck if I know."

"I mean, they look like they're together. They act like it. Do ya reckon they've fucked?"

"Course they have." Despite having asked the question, Jamie still nearly fell off his chair in shock.

"Fuck offffffff! How'd you know?"

"Cos I fuckin' know."

"Keeley told ya dint she?"

"No, she wouldn't tell me anything. I guessed. And I had to go back to our room at Beard's wedding so I overheard them. Scarred me for life."

"Obviously dint scar ya that much, me an Keeley had a great night." He teased. "I can't believe it. I mean, I can, it's just weird to think about."

"Too weird to think about?"

"Too fuckin weird."

"What's weird?" Keeley asked, squeezing between them.

"Ted and Rebecca fucking."

"That's not weird. That would literally be the hottest thing in the world. I'd combust."

"Hang on, hang on, you've got us… but you wanna watch that?" Jamie asked, affronted. Keeley nodded her head,

"Duhhh! Anyway, it's nearly midnight so get ready for a snog boys!" Sam managed to wrestle the microphone from Beard and gave them a two minute heads up. He switched the speakers to the radio for the countdown and went back to drag Simi away from the bar where she was lining up row after row of shots. Ted returned to Rebecca after catching up with Nate for a while.

"So, boss-"

"Not your boss, Ted."

"If you say so. Who ya kissing at midnight? Keeley Jones-Kent? Beardo the Weirdo?"

"You?"

"Me? You sure about that?"

"I'm not fully convinced, but I don't exactly have long left to find an alternative." Ted turned to face her.

"You want an alternative? How 'bout Dani?"

"Hmm. Both girlfriends are here."

"Jan?"

"You?" She suggested again, an exasperated smile forming.

"Back to me again, huh? Wow you're really limited on options." In the background, the team were counting down.

"Oh, I think you might be the best option." She leaned in towards him,

Six, five, -

"In fact, you're the only option."

Four, three, two, -

She hesitated briefly halfway to a kiss, but of course, he met her in the middle.

One! Happy New Year!

The noise of their family around them faded into the background as Ted's hand cupped the back of her head and his fingers tangled into her hair. He pulled her closer, sliding along the bench to bridge the gap between them.

"Happy New Year, Becca." He whispered, resting his forehead against hers.

"Happy New Year." She went to lean back in to kiss him again, "Will you come back with me tonight?"

"Sure will, sweetheart, if that's what you want?"

~~~~~~~

The party quickly began to fade with the new year coming in. Colin and Michael left to try and get some rest before the next day. With Leslie, Julie, Trent and the other older members of the group heading out, Rebecca and Ted decided to join them. They all jumped into a selection of waiting Ubers, calling out goodnight, blowing kisses and looking forward to the wedding. No one said a word when Ted got into Rebecca’s cab. She leaned against him in the back seat, her hand on his thigh and his hand tracing patterns down her arm. At her house, he helped her out of her coat and followed her upstairs where he unzipped her dress. She sat on the edge of the bed while he removed her high heels, a hand stroking up her calf. She pulled the dress up and over her head, leaving her in the lingerie set she told him she brought with him in mind. He sat back on his heels with a smile.

"You look beautiful."

"Thank you," she said shyly. "I missed you." She reached out for him. "I've had enough of quick, stolen moments."

"Tell me what you need, baby?"

"I need you to make love to me, Ted." He stood up to remove his clothes while she watched. He blushed, but she pulled him towards her by the waistband of his boxers and kissed a line from one hip to the other. She palmed the hard line in his boxers but he gripped her wrist before she could touch him any more. He pushed her gently back onto the bed, still holding her wrists, and raised them above her head.

"Keep those hands right there for me, honey." He muttered against her skin, then he kissed a hot path down her body, his mustache scratching against her stomach and hips. "I just realised the most terrible thing." He said, pulling her lace knickers down. He pulled her thighs apart and dragged her down to the edge of the bed. "I haven't gone down on you since the first time."

"That can't be true." She whined as he licked through her folds. He stopped to reply, making her moan with the loss of contact.

"Sure is baby, it's been more than a year of quick, stolen moments, remember?" Before she could reply again, his mouth was on her clit and he was pumping two fingers inside her. He had her on the edge almost immediately, knowing exactly where and how she needed him. She came hard, her hands still above her head but frantically gripping the sheets. He didn't let up as she came, he continued to suck and tease her until her thighs clenched around him again. Unable to touch him with her hands, she ground her hips against his mouth, desperate for more contact, more of him. He took his time so he could really see her fall apart, he'd missed being able to drag it out for her - they’d had such little time together. When he released her clit with a pop, she moved her legs and reached to pull him up the bed. "Where d'ya want me, sweetheart?" He asked, hands coveting her body, biting a nipple through her bra.

"Sit up." He did as she asked, back against the headboard. She straddled his lap and wasted no time in sinking down onto him.

"Hmm, thought we were taking our time?" He asked, grunting into her collarbone as she settled. She stopped moving,

"Maybe you were. Shall I go slow?" She teased, bringing his face up to her. She ground her hips so slowly, it was like she'd barely moved at all. They both groaned deeply. She fucked him slowly, languidly, rising and falling onto his cock at an agonising pace. The friction against her clit was exquisite each time she rolled her hips. The tension built until they were both mumbling each other's names and little else. Rebecca captured Ted’s mouth in a filthy kiss, sending them both over the edge as he gripped her hips tightly while he spilled inside her. He held her against him as they caught their breath.

"Fuck, Becca. I love you." They fell asleep together quickly, knowing that for the first time in over a year, they'd also wake up together. Their morning together reminded Rebecca of the morning after their first time - right before Ted had left. Before Matthijs, before Marie. She woke to him spooned around her, hands roaming her body. He pulled her leg back to hook over the back of his knee and open her up to him. His hand snaked across her waist, dipped to guide himself into her and then rolled around her clit until she reached behind her to pull him into a messy kiss. Then in the shower, he’d gotten to his knees while she was trying to wash her hair. In the kitchen, bent over her kitchen table, just as he’d dreamed about. And then finally, on the stairs before they left for the wedding.

~~~~~~~~

Rebecca watched Colin fiddle with his tie again. The young Welshman looked more nervous than she had ever seen. She couldn't hold herself still any longer. She passed Ted her bag and brushed past him. It was only a few steps to the front of the room where she took his hands away from his tie and held them gently. Ted watched her smile at the young man, she talked quietly to him as she released his hands, unknotted and retied the tie. She kissed his cheek, also turned to Isaac alongside him, and held his hand for a second before popping back to her seat.

"Soccer mom." Ted teased.

"Fuck you."

"Please do. That was very sweet, is he OK?"

"Have you not had enough of me since midnight?" she asked, eyebrows raised. "He's nervous. He'll be fine. The very public declarations of love are the hardest part." Michael appeared in the doorway, appearing far calmer than Colin.

"There's no such thing as enough of you." He whispered. Once again, Rebecca cried during the ceremony while Ted supplied tissues and held her hand. Once the ceremony was over, the attendees headed toward the bar. Colinand Michael had chosen a lovely boutique hotel in central London for their venue, both families had descended en masse along with seemingly all of Richmond.

“Someone had a good night.” Keeley said to Rebecca while Ted was at the bar with Roy and Jamie.

“Are we talking about you guys? Because, I would probably pay to watch that.”

“Aww babe! I’d let you watch for free. I meant you though.”

“You’re too kind.”

“You’re glowing. The kind of glow that only comes from about 5 orgasms.”

“Pretty sure it was more like 7 or 8.” Rebecca muttered.

“Fuck me!”

“I’m a bit tired actually, can we reschedule?”

“I’m not surprised you’re tired! How are you still standing?!” Keeley asked gleefully.

“No idea. Gin and the promise of more?”

“Yeah that’d probably keep me going too. So are you… together? Giving it a go?” Ted was on his way over with Roy and the drinks.

“No idea, haven’t talked yet. Mostly just fucked.” Rebecca managed to admit just before they were in earshot.

“Hi Ted!” Keeley greeted him with a knowing grin. “Get back to Mae’s ok last night?” She asked innocently.

“Hey Keels,” he kissed her cheek, “did you guys have a good night? I stayed at Rebecca’s last night, shared a cab y’know. New Year's Eve, crazy Uber prices and all that.”

“Hmm yeah. I mean, it’s not like you’re both filthy rich or anything. Who needs to spend an extra 30 quid on a taxi, that would just be reckless.” She raised an eyebrow. Rebecca cleared her throat.

“Excuse me, I’m just going to the ladies. Keeley?”

“Nope, I’m good right here thanks babe.” Rebecca hesitated,

“Sure?”

“Yep, off you pop.”

“What is it with you two and off you pop?” Ted questioned as Rebecca disappeared from view.

“I’m asking the questions here, pal.” Keeley spun to face him. “What’s going on?” Ted had a caught in the headlights look about him.

“I… don’t know?” Roy stood behind Keeley shaking his head.

“Wrong answer. You’re in for it now.”

“Wrong answer. You’ve got this whole perfect boyfriend vibe going on since you arrived yesterday, loving on her like you two haven’t been torturing each other for over a year. And she told me about last night. Or this morning. Whichever, whatever.”

“Keeley, I-”

“I want to make sure that you’re not going to hurt her. You have no idea how brightly she shines when you’re around - those little infrequent visits and the hot, sneaky sex and then you bugger off back to Kansas and it’s like she’s not sure of herself.”

“She always shines.”

“She does, yes. But when you’re here it’s… honestly it’s something else. And maybe you don’t see it, but when you’re not here there’s a piece missing.”

“Let me guess, the lemon in the gin? The salt in the tequila?”

“Yes! See - you do get it!”

“Beard said something similar. So did Becca, actually. But they were referring to…” he gestured around the room, the team. “All of this. Everyone.”

“It is everyone, don’t get me wrong. But we all have something, someone. I’ve got Roy and Jamie, Leslie’s got Julie, the team are the team. We all pulled each other along when you first left and we got by, but you just don’t see how much harder it is for her. Going home alone every night? She’s the only one with no one.” Ted looked down into his whiskey. “I, we,” she looked around the room, “care too much for her for her to be alone. We care too much for you too.”

“I’ll bear that in mind. Thanks Keeley.”

“I love you , Ted.”

“I love you too, hon. You’re the best.” He put an arm around her.

“Don’t fuckin’ tell her that, she’ll get a big head.” Roy groaned. “She’s already got enough people under her thumb.”

“Including you, baby!” Keeley replied with a wink and a finger gun.

“Oh god, are we telling Keeley how great she is again?” Rebecca rejoined them.

“I’m the best, apparently.” The younger woman beamed.

“Yes you are, darling. I certainly can’t live without you.” The party soon got into full swing, despite hangovers from the previous night. With Keeley’s comments echoing in his mind, Ted focused on Rebecca. Slow dancing with her, joining her with the team and staying by her side. No one questioned it, no one asked what they were to each other. He stayed at her house again that night. He made her a cup of brown water in the morning to take back up to her in bed, eager to get back to her.

“Goodness me! Ted, you nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“Mornin’ Deborah, nice to see you again.”

“Good morning. Nice to see you’re wearing clothes.”

“Yeah well, Rebecca warned me you have a habit of dropping by unannounced. I’ll go and get her.” They spent the day together, went out for dinner with the coaches, their partners, Leslie, Julie and Trent. Rebecca could almost believe that it was real, that this was their life together. She watched as he packed up the small suitcase he’d retrieved from Mae’s after apologising to her for not once sleeping in the bed he’d paid for. She sat cross-legged in the center of the bed wearing one of his coaching t-shirts. He’d found the drawer full and she’d had to come clean about why she had them.

~~~~~~~~~

The following morning, he left her with a kiss at the front door to go to the airport. She managed to wait all of 20 minutes before she was hurriedly dressing and following him out of the door. Habit again saw her purchasing another first class ticket.

“Well this feels a lot like deja vu.” He said, stepping away from the ticket desk. “Another first class ticket? Where for this time?”

“I need to say something.” She replied nervously. “I didn’t say it last time, I was too scared. But I can’t let you leave again without saying it. We’ve both ruined potential new relationships because we can’t seem to let go of whatever this is. I need you to know that I love you, Ted. I love you more than anything in the world and I’d do anything if you’d stay. I want-” her voice broke over her tears as she voiced everything she hadn’t said previously. “I want you to come back to me. I want you to come back for me. If it means I spend half a year in Kansas with you, I’d do it. Whatever it takes, I need you to know that I’ll be all in, just say the word. But we can’t keep doing whatever this is. I love you too much to keep stringing this along. I love Henry too much to take you away from him. So we either find a way, or we don’t.” He stepped forwards to hold her as she cried in his arms again.

Last call for passengers to Paris, France.

“Let me… let me think. Let me talk to Michelle and Henry. God, sweetheart I’d give anything to be selfish right now, but I can’t. I love you, Rebecca. I’ll love you forever, but I need to figure this out first.” She nodded through her tears, her fingers holding onto his until the last moment as he stepped through the gate to his waiting flight.

#ted lasso #tedbecca #tedlassoedit #ted and rebecca #rebecca welton #rebecca x ted #ted lasso s3 #ted lasso fanfiction #ted lasso fic

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bg-sparrow · 2 years ago

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hello, 📁 for my boy 40s doc please >:3

Alright, you know half of these are going to be from Now I Am Become Death, but I’ll sprinkle in some others!

Doc tells his mother about his “new job in New Mexico” “doing science for the war effort” but that’s about all he tells her. It’s just a courtesy thing that he’s moving. He trusts her to pass on the news to his father and doesn’t bother doing so himself. Doc takes the occasional phone call from his mother in Los Alamos; she’s probably his one consistent contact “on the outside” (if you count a monitored phone call every five or six months).

Doc is in the know fairly early on that they are making an atom bomb (which is a big deal, as only a few dozen people knew this in the whole Manhattan Project). He’s even housed in his own apartment in a building that he shares with two other people in the know, his neighbor being Kenneth Bainbridge (director of Trinity test). He takes regular polygraphs and has his quarters/ belongings searched regularly to ensure he’s keeping things under wraps.

Doc hates the heat of New Mexico but appreciates the lack of humidity compared to Northern California. It takes him a long time to get used to the dust, though. He is so sick of all the dust.

There is a unit of young soldiers/ MPs that Emmett somehow finds himself entwined with. They are sort of at odds at first — Donnie, the leader of the pack, is very pro-bomb while Emmett is very naive, thinking the bomb will just be used as a demonstration. They don’t seek out each other’s company or intentionally hang out, but their paths cross often enough to acknowledge one another as someone they know. Over time, the soldiers “adopt” him as “poindexter”. They barrel into his apartment to listen to Truman announce the end of the war and cheer for him when he plays his saxophone at the talent show. They’re probably his favorite friends by the time they part ways from The Hill.

Recreation-wise? Doc is a morning paper guy. He’ll stay up all hours of the night working on equations and ratios, but count on him to be at his breakfast table with a newspaper on the regular because the soldier’s gossip only tells him so much. When he does make himself go home at a decent hour, he puts on the radio while he gets ready for bed, usually listening to news or a baseball game. Maybe once he went to the movie theater on a quadruple date with the soldiers, but he and his date knew immediately there were no sparks there/ only agreed to it because of so-and-so.

A few months after joining the project, Doc comes down with the hard-hitting influenza sweeping the country in December 1943. He stubbornly tries to work through it, partially in competition with other colleagues putting in time at the office who are also sick. He spends two whole days in bed at its worst.

Doc slowly realizes this bomb may not be used as a scare tactic, and it hits him full-force at the Trinity test that Japan needs to surrender or else. When they don’t, he has an anxiety attack because he knows what’s coming. As the footage of Hiroshima and Nagasaki makes its way back to them and his government tries to give him a medal for his part in winning the war, it all comes crashing down on him.

He’s put on administrative leave and tranquilizers while he sees a psychiatrist. He can’t do/ refuses most of the available therapies — insulin shock, electric shock, no energy for physical exercise — but he tries an instrument after his therapist tells him how well soldiers recover in convalescent homes when exposed to music. He’s terrible at the saxophone, but he learns enough to do a duet with a fellow beginner musician for a talent show as a therapy goal.

But what really helps get Doc back on track is discarding the Medal of Merit he was awarded for his service on the project. He doesn’t want praise for what his work was used for. He goes offsite and chucks it into the Rio Grande one night, and things quickly start looking up from there.

In January 1946, General Groves offers Doc a job in Washington to research his ideas on time travel, but Doc refuses. He doesn’t want his science under the government’s thumb anymore; he’s seen what they do with it. He politely declines and insists life in the private sector would be best for his mental well-being.

And that’s most of it, I think! Thanks so much for the ask! I’d love to see more file emojis in my ask box, so go for it!

#back to the future #bttf #doc brown #40s doc #manhattan project #head canon #headcanon #asks #answered asks #thank you!

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televinita · 2 years ago

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Am listening to Taylor Swift music again, and have been seized by the need to talk through some of her older albums -- favorite songs, personal history, whatever comes to mind. Maybe in yet another attempt to try and figure out my overall fave / ranking of them as a set? No real order is planned for this so I thought I’d start with this one, because I realized I actually hadn’t listened to it in quite some time.

(I don't really know what this mini-project is going to be but I’ve been noodling on it for a few nights and now seems as good a time as any to share.)

Background/Overview

When it was new -- and a 2010 Christmas present for me -- it was my favorite of the three, but now I'm not sure. The thing is that it has several songs I like better than the entirety of Fearless (except for #1 fave Change), but it also has a handful I find less interesting compared to that one’s “13 track listings, stars beside them all” success, and I can’t decide how to weight that. It does absolutely have the prettiest cover and booklet, though.

Songs

Ask me my favorite song on this album and I’ll say without hesitation Long Live. I don’t think that will ever change; it’s in my all-time-faves across her whole discography. The twin/companion piece to Change, it never fails to make my heart sing. It came out after I was an adult but it still makes me nostalgic and occasionally teary as hell for high school. Bonus association: this was my mental soundtrack for the end of Glee season 3 too (”for a moment, a band of thieves in ripped-up jeans got to rule the world").

Runner-up faves are Haunted, which really lives up to its name (Wuthering Heights-haunted style, maybe... between the electric guitar tearing open the scene and the chimes, the instrumentation is epic; this may be the only song that actually loses emotional impact as an acoustic/piano version), Better Than Revenge (which is my not-even-that-guilty pleasure and I will JAM OUT to it to this day; "no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity" is SAVAGE and I love it), and The Story of Us ("looks like a lot like a tragedy now" is one of my favorite quotes to bust out in episode reviews about ‘ship destruction, or was when I still did those), which is similarly jam-out-worthy. Ooh, and Sparks Fly is one of those songs where I'm like, "WHY wasn't this a single, it's so good." I’m actually always kind of surprised that one isn’t the album opener; “my mind forgets to remind me you’re a bad idea” is my anthem for giving shows/ships/characters/episodes way more chances than they deserve. (Grey’s Anatomy. We’re mostly talking about every time I dip back into the Grey’s Anatomy waters). In slow-songs-I-like territory: Enchanted, which is frankly too pretty for the person it’s actually about (but helpfully easy to apply to anyone and relevant to every listener’s life). And Back to December, which suffers rather unjustly from my knowing that it’s about The Boring Taylor, because I used to automatically skip it about half the time, yet every time I actually listen to it I'm shocked to realize it’s way prettier than I remember. Both musically (when male vocals...enhance?? a taylor song??) and lyrically.

As far as the other singles, I kind of killed Mine for myself with overplay, but I do think it's one of the strongest singles she's ever released...and as I’m listening to it now, I think it might be back! What good music, what a sweet scenario, and how much do I love the “brace myself for the goodbye / ‘cause that’s all I’ve ever known...” part.

Mean is fun and deservedly sassy, although it too is recovering from overplay (with the added demerit of being covered in the worst, least appealing possible way on Glee and feeling tainted forever. Once upon a time this was in my top 5 for the CD). Speak Now is fun too, but also...damn, so much more juvenile and mean-spirited to me now than Better Than Revenge. You don't help a dude ditch his bride at their wedding! If he shouldn't be marrying her you talk to him BEFORE THE CEREMONY???? I have definitely lost enchantment with this one over time.

One I don’t know how to feel about: I have to be in the right mood for the song so I don’t always let it play through, but as a late bloomer homebody and perpetual looker-backer, the second half of Never Grow Up really kicked me in the heart when I first heard it. I thankfully never ended up having to experience this, but "here I am in my / new apartment in the big city / they just dropped me off / it's so much colder than I thought it would be / so I tuck myself in, and turn the nightlight on" really described all my deepest fears about graduating from college and still brings a twinge at the mere thought.

On the downturn: unpopular opinion but while Dear John is full of great lyrics, it’s just so damned slow that I skip it almost every time. I’m really hoping it gets reinvigorated by a Taylor’s Version, because whenever I give it a chance, I just end up freshly disappointed by the wasted potential.

Innocent is slightly more compelling music-wise, but still rather slow and often skipped, not least because it just...feels weird. Uneven. There are some great lines and a good idea buried in here, but with its history and context it's so patronizing even when I’m on Taylor’s side that it ends up cringe.

Meanwhile, Last Kiss doesn't even exist to me. It covers the same criminal territory as Back to December but it's EVEN SLOWER. Bonus Tracks I didn't hear them until the end of 2012 and even then only as standalones on Spotify, separate from the album associations, I absolutely love all three, more than the last 5 or 6 above in fact. Ours is the companion piece / sequel to "Mine," If This Were A Movie is sweet, and Superman is so cute and catchy.

#taylor swift related #i need a freaking tag for when i talk about music that I can REMEMBER

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sucre--rose · 2 years ago

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today was a ~300 cal day and i’m so close to 100…

it terrifies me a bit, that it can be so easy for me to not eat right now… i am starting lower my average intake, i used to be strictly 1200 but now i can barely make it to 800 without feeling guilty. i told a couple of my friends, i don’t know why, perhaps it was that little voice that tells me to recover taking the reins for a second, maybe i feel guilty lying to them about this stuff/hiding information. so yea, i told them, not everything, just that i relapsed in december, that as of today im underweight. i’m still conflicted though. i like the way my body feels like this, and yet im not satisfied. i don’t know if i will be until i fall below 100. and yet, i also feel like im not sick enough to even say im anorexic, because some days i binge and some days i still eat 1200 cals, my mom keeps telling me i eat too much, but that’s only because the times i eat in front of her are the only times i’ll eat in a day. i’ve been considering bringing this all up to my therapist, but i’m conflicted. i really don’t feel sick enough to ask for help. i really don’t want to change.

#tw ana diary #ed bllog #ed but not sheeran #tw ana vent #tw ana shit #anor3x14 #tw ana relapse #tw ana related

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feralgremlinchild · 9 months ago

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Tw death, medical, child custody

(also I can’t remember how to do a read more so heads up it’s a long post)

I’ve been gone a while, I kept meaning to return but everything in life just kept getting worse. Taking care of my mother became more of a challenge, and the past 6 months she was in hospitals and skilled nursing homes. We had some good times together, I took her to see the eras tour in theater because she absolutely loved Taylor swift.

My mother died a week and a half ago, thankfully she was aware of what was happening and she was ready for it. She had unfortunately already been legally dead and revived and intubated before she had a chance to sign a dnr. She hated being intubated, but I tried to help as best I could to make communication possible for her the seven days she was intubated. I made her a talking board.

I tried my best to treat her with dignity and make sure she had the little comforts the past few months. I drew signs for her hospital wall, I brought her her favorite stuffed animal, I clipped and filed her nails, I brought my (retired) service dog to see her because she adored him and he always made her feel better. Helped order her food. Found solutions to little problems like an elastic band for her watch instead of a buckle. Assistive devices and technology. It never felt like a chore, it wasn’t a decision I had to make, I just did things.

She had finally decided a couple months ago that she was not going to take more of her dilaudid than prescribed. And she was actually sticking to that. I had been waiting for that my entire life and I was so so proud of her. She was trying very hard. She wanted to see my niece again, she wanted to be around a while longer. Up until the beginning of March, the doctors told us they weren’t sure how much time she had left, but it could be months or even a year, it depended on her recovery. Her body’s ability to recover. In the end though it was just too tired, she’d been sick her entire life and she couldn’t recover from this last infection.

My niece’s dad allowed her to visit the hospital a couple days before my mother passed. I didn’t get to see the kid because I wasn’t at the hospital, I had already gone home. The kid had been given a phone for her birthday a few days earlier, and has been allowed to contact us so far. I haven’t seen her in person since December, but I’ll see her on Friday at the service. We’ve been texting though, mostly about games we both play and inside jokes.

I had to buy a black dress because my old one ripped. I have lost a lot of weight recently anyways, it probably wouldn’t have fit. It turns out stress and grieving can take the pounds off you even when an eating disorder couldn’t. It’s not exactly happy weight loss. I haven’t been celebrating it. But the weight did need to come off, so maybe at least my joints will be a little happier.

Now I have to find a job at some point in the next couple of months. The insurance money won’t last forever, and I had always planned on getting a job after my mother passed. She had been my full time job for years. I’m going to get a job, help my dad sell the house, and then move out of Texas. If all goes well I will be in New England this time next year. It’s a big move but I need to get as far away as possible, I’ve been dreaming of this for years and years and it’s finally time to start making steps towards it.

Also both of my big dogs have large tumors and I have no money for removal or treatment.

Also also my cousin’s wedding is in less than two weeks and it’s a 5 hour drive minimum and I did get a dress and it’s good but I do not feel like celebrating anything right now. The guy is nice tho, very kind and has what the church people call a heart of service. They’re cute together. And my cousin is great and I love her and I grew up with her almost like a sister, even going to the same schools. But I’m just not in a happy wedding mood. I’m going anyway of course.

#text post #personal #tw death #tw med talk #tw child custody #tw ed #long post #tw animal illness #tw dead parent

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kinetic-elaboration · 1 year ago

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December 20: Recovering

I’m feeling better today but this morning was still pretty rough. I tossed and turned a lot during the night and woke up with a headache. I could sense some improvement but I was also really, really tired, and like… it’s hard to describe, but sort of like easily overstimulated? I just really wanted to lie down and be still. So I did that for a long while, slept intermittently. I wasn’t up for taking a walk but I did go up and down the driveway a couple of time, stretch my legs, and get some fresh air.

After my shower, I started to feel noticeably better, and though I didn’t push myself or do anything too terribly involved, I didn’t feel that sense of fatigue again. I watched TV and read fanfiction, and was able to concentrate on the narratives and so on, which really put into stark relief how poorly I’d been feeling earlier, that I wasn’t able to do even those things.

I’m still not really sure what this was… to be honest, I lean more toward something psychosomatic than anything else. Maybe I was too ambitious on Monday—I usually give myself one complete vegetative day at the beginning of a vacation, but this time I thought I could get straight into stuff like writing, and maybe that was a mistake. Feels sort of sad to say it but it might be true. Tomorrow I would like to try writing again and I would like to take an actual walk. If I can do those two things, I’ll consider it a good day. (I am still a little bit irrationally nervous to write.)

I still don’t feel any real sort of festive or holiday spirit. I don’t know why. This has just felt like a very dull, flat Christmas season this year, and I’ve heard similar opinions from some other people as well. Just feels like everyone’s going through the motions more than anything else. I still don’t feel much in the mood to write holiday stuff—though I would like to post entries here that aren’t just about my boring day haha. But, it’s good to keep up the habit.

#the year 2023 #2023: rl

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jungk0oksthighs · 3 years ago

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Over The Odds | Regrets

Paring - jungkook x reader

Genre - angst, smut, fluff, S2L, ceo!jungkook, sugardaddy!jungkook

Word count - 3k

Drabble 4 - One mans regret is another’s opportunity

warnings: brief mention of sex, swearing, ill-relative

FULL SERIES COLLECTION

This certainly isn’t how you envisioned your day would turn out, just this morning you were laid in bed with Jungkook about to enjoy a sweet breakfast in bed together after two rounds of rampant sex – and now, you sit in the waiting room of the hospital, drinking water from a plastic cup with shaky hands.

It was nice of Jungkook to give you a ride here, giving that he’s told you at least three times now just how much he hates driving, he hates the traffic, how mundane it is, the fact he can’t really multitask when behind the wheel; he hates everything about it. But still, he pulled through for you when you needed him to.

It's no secret that your father is in ill health, last year he suffered two heart attacks and when he tested positive for Covid-19 in December your family prepared for the worst. By some miracle he pulled through but his respiratory system hasn’t been the same since. Two bouts of pneumonia, a severe chest infection and nightly use of an oxygen mask is his new normal.

Your mum texted to let you know that he’s been admitted with yet another ghastly chest infection, apparently he’s not doing so great and so you came here as soon as you could, alerting your best friend Jimin of your whereabouts on the way. Unlike the other times he’d taken ill during the height of pandemic restrictions, you weren’t sitting in the waiting room alone. Your mother sits across from you with anxious bouncing legs, and Jungkook, bless his soul, sits beside you playing the role of a concerned boyfriend a little too well.

“I’m sorry you had to find out about us this way, I can leave if you’d prefer to be alone together.” His voice is kind and low as he addresses your mother, who looks at him with a warm smile. “Honestly I won’t be offended.”

“Nonsense, I’m just surprised Y/N didn’t tell us about you sooner. I’m sorry that we met this way though, maybe when her father recovers we can all go for a nice meal together and get to know each other properly. I don’t usually look like this.” She gives a breathy chuckle, referring to her jade green leggings and oversized hoodie – her favourite loungewear set you’d gifted her two Christmases ago. Of course the ensemble isn’t complete without her yellow garden sliders, which she’s also wearing today. Normally she’s what most people would consider to be vain, always dressing in nice clothes with a full face of makeup even in her forties, she must’ve been in a rush to get here much like you and Jungkook were.

“Me neither.” Jungkook flashes a brilliant white smile. To be honest you’ve never seen him look so casual, only wearing a white oversized t shirt, grey sweatpants and trainers. He looks good dressed like this, he blends into the rest of society comfortably and his presence for once doesn’t scream ‘I have money, ask me about it’. “It would be nice to go out together though, once he’s fully recovered of course. I can’t wait to hear all about what Y/N was like as a child.”

“Y/N?” Your mum waves a soft hand in front of you, snapping you from your day dream. “He’s going to be okay, this is just a precaution.”

“I know.” You exhale, nodding slowly, trying to ignore your burning hatred for hospitals.

“Does anybody want anything to eat? I’m going to run down to the corner shop.” Jungkook stands, shooting you a sympathetic smile, “You haven’t eaten today Y/N is there anything specific you want me to get for you?”

“Oh how thoughtful.” Your mother gushes, you know full-well that she loves him already. What a pity he’s not actually your boyfriend, rather the man who pays you to have sex with him. Oh she’d be so proud.

You clear your throat and shake your head, “I’m not really hungry anymore.” You admit, “I’ll have a coffee from the canteen though. The blonde—”

“Blonde coffee blend with almond milk and one sweetener. I know. Would you like a coffee too? Or anything to eat? Sorry I didn’t even catch your name how rude of me.” You’re visibly taken aback by the fact he knows your coffee order, as far as you know you’d only been for a coffee together once. Even his memory is unworldly.

“Anna.” She smiles, eyes quickly skimming the tattoos on his sizeable arm, “And I’ll have a black coffee with a cheese sandwich please, hang on I’ve got some change in my… Oh where is it, it’s around here somewhere-”

“Not necessary. I don’t mind.” Jungkook tries to fight a laugh, giving you a brief glance before exiting the room.

“So…”

And it begins.

“So?” Your brows are raised expectantly as you lock eyes with your mother, who given the circumstances looks pretty damn happy right now. Maybe she’s giggling at your t shirt dress and boots which were very obviously yesterdays clothes.

“When were you going to tell me about your hunk of a boyfriend?! Gosh if I was fifteen years younger.”

You grimace, “Except you’re not, and your husband is in the hospital.”

“Small technicalities.” She shrugs. Your mother birthed you at the tender age of eighteen, she and your father had a somewhat whirlwind teenage romance, they had their first child together, your sister, two years before you aged sixteen, much to your grandparents disappointment. Thankfully it all worked out for them in the end. It wasn’t uncommon of her to make shocking or crude comments like this, you put it down to her age most of the time, giving that she’s not even two decades older than you are. But even so, the idea of her taking a liking to Jungkook is more than nauseating.

“I’m serious! How long have you been together?” She’s smiling, profile curious and suggestive.

“I don’t know like six or seven weeks maybe? Month and a half. It’s early days so can you try not to get your hopes up please.” You’re tired, your body is aching because of said fake boyfriend, and you’re so done with this conversation already – all you care about is getting an update from the doctors. This talk right here is the very reason you almost didn’t sign the contract in the first place, because you know eventually you and Jungkook will have to fake a breakup and your parents will be devastated that you’re still not engaged or popping out grandbabies.

“You haven’t had a boyfriend since Namjoon Y/N, and that was two years ago now… So I’m sorry if I’m a little excited it’s just that he’s so handsome! And muscly! And tall! I love his tattoos! What does he do for a living?”

You ignore the way the mere mention of your ex boyfriend’s name makes your stomach drop, giving in to her curiosity, “He’s the CEO of Jeon Industries, the oil company. He owns a lot of smaller businesses too, like that bar Black Swan in Kensington.”

“Shut up!” She gasps, “Sorry, what was that?”

“Mum I’m tired can we not get into this right now, yes he’s handsome and he’s tall and he’s ripped and yes he’s got tattoos and he’s mega rich but we’ve only been going out just over a month so can you not do this? Not right now. Please.”

Sensing your discomfort she retreats, nodding quietly, “Sorry,” She grins, “Were you two up all night then?”

“Oh my god.” You groan in disgust, hurriedly standing from the lilac seat, “I’m going to find Jungkook, when we get back try to act normal. I’m begging you.”

“Fine, fine. Whatever you say.”

If there’s one thing you hate most in this world, one phobia stronger than all the rest – it’s hospitals. The idea of someone going in and never coming out has always made your knees buckle and not in a good way. You hate hospitals, any clinical setting for that matter, you’d rather ride out an illness than visit your doctor despite how badly you are. It’s disturbing to you how many people have died within these walls, how many lost loved ones were taken here. Your parents and Jimin always called you dramatic whenever you brought it up, but you can’t help the way you feel. Maybe it’s a good thing that you and Namjoon never worked out, because eventually one day his place of work would be a building just like this one.

For the six months that you dated, you were convinced that Namjoon was the love of your life, he was perfect. He was in his final year of med school, he had adorable dimpled cheeks, a contagious laugh, he knew everything about anything without needing to check himself on Google first. And he was sweet, he was caring, you bared your soul to him thinking he was your forever, only for him to randomly decide to take a gap year and teach English to children in Korea. You still remember the day he ended things with you, leaving you behind as he just carried on with his life, seemingly not bothered at all. One mention of his name and you feel numb, you’ve never cared about anybody that much since him.

The only person that comes even remotely close to Namjoon is Jungkook, and well, he doesn’t actually like you he just pays to have you around and sit on his dick whenever you fancy it. There’s no denying that he would be the perfect partner, he could give you things that even Namjoon could not – but he doesn’t want that, you signed a piece of paper that clearly states this is a business arrangement and nothing more. It’s not love, and it never will be, no matter how badly you want it to be. You scoff to yourself, pushing a double door open to find him. How things have changed in the small space of two years.

Your eyes find Jungkook’s tall muscular frame straight away, he’s sitting at a small circular table at the back of the red painted canteen, three coffees and one cheese sandwich in front of him, his gaze flickering between the window and the silver work phone in his hands.

“Hey.” You’re standing beside the table, suddenly feeling a lot calmer in his presence.

He’s looking up at you with big round doe-like eyes, almost guilty, “I’m sorry, I thought you could use some privacy so I—”

“Don’t apologise, I get it. I’m not actually your girlfriend yet here you are meeting my parents, must be rough for you. You can go at any time it’s okay.” The words come out bitchier than you intended, regret washes over you instantaneously. Thankfully he doesn’t seem too phased by your venom.

He pauses, his lips pursed together in a flat line before he stands up, “Y/N… I want to be here, it’s okay, I wanna make sure you’re okay.” His voice his softer than usual and for a split second you’re convinced that he may actually really care.

“This happens pretty often,” You sigh, it’s blatantly obvious you’re feeling overwhelmed, “He’s been ill for a while now… Just waiting for the update from the doctor and then we can leave.” You give him an apologetic smile, there’s nothing about family emergencies in the agreement and yet he’s still here, spending his only day off in the hospital with you. “If he’s gonna be okay we should do something today, I don’t want you wasting your only day off.”

“It’s not wasted if I’m spending time with you.” He looks away immediately after saying it, clearing his throat before he grabs the items from the table, “Would be nice to go somewhere else later though, hospitals freak me out.”

“Really? Me too.” You murmur, helping him carry the food and drinks to the waiting area. The walk back is short and spent in a comfortable silence, god how you wish things could be different, you yearn for Jungkook to set fire to that stupid piece of paper and just ask you out. What’s worse is you actually signed that piece of paper, there’s no way out for you for another eleven months, if you feel this much for him already you dread what life will be like by then.

It’s when you get to the small side room your mother waits in that your heart stops beating.

“—He’s going to be fine, we’ll keep him in for some observations with him being a high risk patient but I’m confident he’ll be home tomorrow Anna.”

Suddenly your ears are ringing, your face is hot and you almost forget how to breathe. Jungkook senses the change in your demeanour and is rightfully confused, especially when you’ve both just heard the doctor tell your mum that your dad is going to be okay. You clear your throat, and for the first time in two years your eyes lock with his. Fuck.

“Hey Y/N.” Namjoon’s dimples pierce his cheeks as his smiles, “Your dad’s gonna be fine, he’s responding well to the treatments he should be out of here by tomorrow.”

“That’s great.” You smile back, still frozen in place, “Thank you... So you’re back. And you’re officially a doctor now?”

“Have been for a while actually, can’t say I expected to bump into you here… I know how much you hate hospitals.”

As much as you don’t want to admit it he looks good, his skin is ever so slightly more tanned than it used to be, his clothes fit him better and he looks so much happier than he used to. It’s no surprise he didn’t tell you he was back from Korea, you took the breakup pretty badly and he’s probably moved on by now. You watch him with a curious gaze, you can’t help but think to yourself it’s such a shame things ended the way they did, because two years ago you really did love this man.

“Yeah, well…” You clear your throat again, your mouth suddenly feels abnormally dry, “I couldn’t not come.”

“Thanks Namjoon, it’s nice to see you again.” Your mum stands from her chair, “Y/N do you mind if I go in and see him? They’ve still got Covid restrictions in place, only one visitor at a time.”

“Of course not, tell him I was here though.” You exhale, finally peeling your stare away from Namjoon and looking to Jungkook who stands beside you, handing your mum her coffee and sandwich.

“Thank you so much Jungkook, so kind of you to come today and wait with us.” She looks at your fake boyfriend with such a warm and welcoming gaze, “We definitely need to arrange a proper meeting, I’m sure Y/N’s dad will be excited to meet her new boyfriend when the times right.”

You freeze. Namjoon freezes. Jungkook sees you and Namjoon freeze.

“There’s no rush, I don’t plan on letting her go any time soon. It was nice to meet you, and I hope he’s feeling better soon.” Jungkook is polite as ever, even when the resident doctor is not-so-subtly staring at him.

“Bye mum, call me later please.” You give her a small hug, wanting nothing more than to get out of this hell hole as quick as you can.

“Of course, bye now.” She gives a small wave and disappears into the main corridor on the ward with Namjoon. Thank god that’s over.

Jungkook faces you, holding a coffee in his right hand while he smooths over your waist with his left, “Are you okay? We don’t have to go anywhere today, we could just have a bed day or whatever else you wanna do, or I can drop you off at your place if you wanna be alone.”

“A bed day with you sounds good.” You give a weak smile, even though your entire relationship is a façade you can’t fault him for his efforts today. He’s looking down at you with such kind eyes that you almost want to cry. He’s perfect, but he’s not yours.

“-Y/N?” You hear the voice before you see it’s owner, already wanting to curl up into a ball and die when your eyes land on Namjoon jogging round the corner, his white lab-like coat flapping with each movement.

“Mhm?” You face him, Jungkook’s hand still grazes your waist. The situation is uncomfortable but thankfully he doesn’t say anything, instead choosing to eye the doctor cautiously as he approaches.

“I’m really glad you met someone, you look happy.” There’s not even a microscopic spec of malice in Namjoon’s words, his smile looks genuine and he looks as though he really means what he says, which only makes everything worse. “I’ll see you around, and Jungkook was it? Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, you too.” Jungkook doesn’t look confused anymore, he’s analysed the atmosphere and you can tell by his tight set jaw and the way he’s tightening the hold on your waist that he knows exactly who Namjoon is to you.

Unbeknownst to you Jungkook sees the flicker of disappointment behind Namjoon’s eyes when they finds his hand on your waist, he knows that look, that’s the expression of someone who regrets letting go. He pities Namjoon for sure, but realistically all he can ask himself is how could someone be so foolish to leave you in the first place? You’re smart, funny, caring, a little sarcastic and bratty at times but nothing he can’t handle, you’re beautiful, anyone would be an idiot to let you go.

And so this is the moment, standing with you right here in the hospital with a comforting palm on the bend of your waist, where Jungkook decides he needs to tell you the truth before it’s too late, no regrets.

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