#maybe i shouldn't be but i still am
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Yesterday was pretty terrible.
I had a headache all day and then one of my classmates who I actually like said some pretty shitty things about gay marriage in our ethics lecture and I had to act normal about it for three more hours. In his case, he grew up and spent most of his adult life up until a year ago in very homophobic country (like legally codified) so obviously that is a factor and I don't think he's violently homophobic or anything. But it still sucks to listen to even if it's not meant maliciously.
Today was better. I didn't have class. I spent all morning cleaning and then ran errands and sent emails in the afternoon.
Tomorrow morning I have a TA meeting at 9:30am and I have a quiz due at midnight so it'll be a work day. I'm hoping to take the weekend off-ish but that'll depend on what I get done tomorrow.
#i'm def extra sensitive to any language about 'choosing a homosexual lifestyle'#and frankly for good reason#honestly i'm surprised how much biphobic transphobic and homophobic shit I've heard from public health students and practitioners#maybe i shouldn't be but i still am#mercy speaks#phd tag#phd year one tag#ta tag#tw: homophobia#just to be safe
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I think depictions of Anya being cruel to Curly or drawing out his suffering are artful and chilling but completely miss the point of the story and her character.
I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to have that "I told you so" moment with him but not in something callous or cold. Even if that is how it happened, she'd immediately feel guilty cause at that point she's not tormenting her tormenter or even the person truly at fault. She's doing something cathartic, similar to how Jimmy likely hits Curly to release rage he can't against the rest of the crew. She'd see herself as no different when she'd come back from the moment and see Curly cowering at her. She wants someone to take responsibility but how does being cruel to the defenseless help? Why would she want the power Jimmy has over her over Curly?
The idea of her extending someone else's pain is just so against the struggles she already faces and how she can't even bring herself to cause someone pain even to help them. Her very desire is to release herself from her own suffering and I doubt she'd even fine some sort of guilty release in being cruel to another.
#anya is not a character i see taking agency or indulging in cathartic behaviors#not knowingly like i see her as a character trapped in her head and maybe in the scenario she's cruel to Curly she is envisioning Jimmy#in his place but its not a story about justice or those deserving of punishment and those not like its the opposite of people projecting#their issues on the wrong people and saying things to the wrong people and doing things they shouldn't but anya uniquely falls out of it as#she is subjected to a lot of it but it is also not something she wants to subject another person to like you are doing what Jimmy does and#placing ur rage into another persons and viewing their actions through your eyes like she'd more likely yell at him than do harm or#cause him more pain like at least make it in character#but also she clearly doesn't want to see jimmy or curly in the same light and doesnt because she still repeatedly goes to Curly for comfort#and protection and god there's like concepts that need to be applied to characters individually and then the story as a whole#we can not view the game through only one themed lens less we forget to inspect the compounding factor of Anya is so much more than girl#that needs to be allowed to go off but a woman that simply wants right to be done by her and no more harm like she doesn't want to be aroun#the suffering like idk but some of yall would just benefit from like understanding that people are inherently grey with the capabilities of#black n white thinking or actions#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#anya mouthwashing#i like her the most but then again i am defensive of all women in media and hate when people change the way the character would take agency#for themselves like yes I want her to tweak out but she just wouldn't and I like seeing realistic depictions of a woman suffering the way#she is like shes not the type at the end of the movie to have a one liner but feel a shallow freedom cause she needs to realistically heal#idk but its just like there is an obbsession forming with making her character her pain and not how she handles and navigates the issue
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My favorite thing about science is that it usually says that nothing in our world is specific ,categorysable or simple
And it usually is funny because
"Oh you study Xscience? Can you tell me about X?"
'X doesn't exist.'
Love science
#what is a language? how do you define language?? there is no language.#Fish? nope theres no fish?#Gender?? sex?? no its just random charateristics of individuals that we asigned qualities to by some reason.#and then we also have natural variation that makes it make less sense#i love science#i am currently watching a geologist explain what a rock is#its beautiful#science#linguistics#biology#marine biology#geology#EDIT: maybe i wanst clear enough. i did not mean things dont exist. i think that perfect definitions can't and shouldn't realy be.#You can define anything#but that doesnt mean things outside of taht definition suddenly dont exist. that is whats funny to me#the fact that someone people think everything can be clearly defined . it cant be.#Theres no one definition of fish taht works to my knowledge. but there are still fish swiming in the sea right?
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Writing something for my own pleasure and it got so gay I had to take a break to draw it out. Resurrection beast yuri!
Aditional sketches bc I made Harrow so Husband in this...
#alectoharrow#the locked tomb#tlt#rhyme art#pine art#harrowhark nonagesimus#alecto the first#alecto the ninth#alectopause#alecto tlt#nona the ninth#harrow the ninth#i created a dynamic in my mind for them and now i am suffering i have to create#2 women mourning their somewheat not really but still that one weird person they somehow created together even tho they never meet her????#2 women who struggle with empathy thinking to each other “what would nona do/say/think about this” and go hmmm maybe i shouldn't do that#imitating the kindness they never recived and never given but somehow it got written somewhere inside both of them#and they keep referencing that kindness as they learn to express it in their own way#because nona loved them and the closest thing to loving her back is learning from her#i am sorry for the inconsistency in Harrow's hair texture... i am still figuring it out#alecto#my art
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i'm also forever obsessed with the fact that melissa was the one to suggest that tim holds onto lucy's ring in the aftermath of DOD for a little while. she's my queen-bee!! 😊👑🫶
#*carly catalogs#i find that especially important bc it was technically crime scene evidence#..... like#even if they didn't get any evidence from it it's still technically part of a crime scene#bc he found it in the dirt next to where she had been burried#so shouldn't it have been bagged by someone and taken in as evidence? regardless of how significant the item actually is to the crime scene#idk maybe i'm wrong but as a true crime guru i don't think i am#THAT RING WAS CRIME SCENE EVIDENCE AND HE SAID “I'M JUST GONNA SNATCH THIS UP REAL QUICK”#“DON'T LOOK AT ME” *WHISLTES* 🙄#i'm choosing that that is how it went bc it's more fun for me that way lmaoooo#the rookie#melissa o'neil#tim bradford#lucy chen#chenford#otp: you know me so well
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im making a wedding guest list in order to. uh. destress. from work anxiety. (we are not officially engaged yet in that we are waiting for our rings to arrive sometime this month and also do not even a little have a wedding date and have not figured out a budget yet. so it's a very stupid exercise. but. i can do whatever i want)
anyway im beginning to worry that i only have two friends? i suppose it's actually good because that will cost less but possibly i have some kind of disease or condition
#how many friends are you supposed to have#friend i guess being a term here for. person it would feel fucked up to not try to have at your wedding.#normally i don't worry about this because i have a rich and active social life online and at work and also at knitting#but if i invite my labmates i maybe need to invite the whole lab??#so i have to figure that out#i don't really feel like any of my knitting friends are wedding friends. like i like them a lot but we aren't There#and for the most part i have no idea how to gauge the intimacy level of internet friends. sorry to say that to your collective faces#but you can recognize that it's a weird problem i hope esp since i am BAD AT DMING and mostly just dont do it.#reading each others diaries for 12 years etc etc.#irl i have.... my best friend from kindergarten who is a family member. to me.#and my college roommate hi jack <3 <3 <3#and maybe 5 other people from college. one of whom may still be living in australia whenever this happens#i really shouldn't be concerned about this we have five billion cousins and Family Friends between us. and 🌸 has many friends#due to their superior and highly lovable nature.#but like. what if i forgot about a lifelong friend i care for deeply and don't remember they exist in time to invite them. it could happen.#box opener
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I can't believe trump is winning the elections...
#like... for real?#I was reading about a woman pregnant with twins in texas#who needed a selective reduction i.e. to abort one twin#because he wasn't going to survive#and the doctors went 'no we can't do that'#which meant they would ALL die. both twins and their mom#she managed to get the abortion done out of texas but like#how insane is this??#it drives me mad#I'm worried about the anti-abortion stance spreading#I mean it's not like it's not already there in europe#see Ireland until recently. see Italy#where abortion is legal on paper but doctors can still refuse to perform it#on religious grounds#which is INSANE. insane#omg I was discussing it with my aunt ages ago and I was like#they shouldn't have that option#and she went 'oh so you think doctors should be forced to perform abortions'#NO I think if you don't want to perform abortions don't become a fucking gyno?? maybe??#did they point a gun to their head?? aren't there lots of other specialties they could've gone for??#like what am I missing here. help#it's not even about religion though for most which makes it even more infuriating#oh I went off on a tangent here. sorry#reproductive rights#us politics#donald trump
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my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled
OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣 BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY
#rei looking directly at the camera like why are you subjecting me to this. i do not need any of this. i know how to do it#rei wearing stilettos the size of your head so he becomes ur very tall bird goth gf#you know how yakumo gets when he instructs someone on how to cook something#he becomes confident and just tells ppl how to do stuff without his usual amount of stutter and secondguessing#i'm gonna pretend that after his stiletto training in misty vale he gains a TINY MOLECULE of confidence due to experience#like [i can help you if you've never done it before?]#honestly i can't imagine this scenario happening because i am so SURE that rei can walk in heels HAHAHA even tho nothing has proven that#SOMETHING COME PROVE ME WRONG SO MY DELUSIONS CAN SLIDE CLOSER TO POSSIBILITY#anyway even if rei didn't know how to wear heels#would he ever mention it? would yakumo ever learn of it?#rei would probably be all . i don't need to wear heels. they can't even see them under the dress. i'll wear my practical shoes#but if he can't get away with that and will be forced to wear heels at the party...#maybe he'll go [meh. i'll figure it out] and just not wear them until the day of the dance#at which point his feet will hurt after 20 minutes and for the whole night he takes any chance to sit down#rei can be frequently spotted on SOME surface SOMEWHERE in the palace. sitting all splayed out and uncaring of propriety#because he is in PAIN and these shoes are STUPID and why do people wear them for ANYTHING . Royals are so IMPRACTICAL#yakumo keeps trying to avoid heels for the dance because he doesn't want to be any taller than he already is#i bet there's a full convo about it between him and eiden#eiden trying to reassure him that if he wants to wear heels then he shouldn't let others' perception stop him from doing so#but if he genuinely doesn't want to wear them then that's ok too#eiden craning his neck up at yakumo in heels like you're my pretty princess 1-2 heads taller than me your height doesn't matter 🥰#i'm now torn. yakumo and rei both wearing heels now? in order to stay at similar heights?#or. rei starting out with heels. getting tired of them. going barefoot for the rest of the night lol#yakumo and rei still dancing in their ballgowns together but a much shorter rei leads a yakumo in heels#yes. yes this is the vision#yakurei#replies#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival rei
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Why did it take my landlords' young kid pulling a prank on me to realize I do in fact have unprocessed ptsd
#it shouldn't have upset me this bad and yet here i am trying to stop crying on my way to pick tiny up from kindergarten#our apartment shares a door with our landlords'. and they have a 5~7 yo#who thought it would be very funny haha to randomly try and force our door open at odd hours#now mind you we don't have a shelter room of our own. we usually run to theirs so the door is unlocked most of the time#but after a few of those surprise privacy breaches and after calling out to the kid and asking them politely to stop-#which of course caused them to run away giggling and doing it again after a couple minutes-#we locked the door. only for things to escalate#they had friends over and together started rattling the handle and trying to force the door open#and them pressed their face to it and started mimicking sirens#which takes like one second to realize it's not an actual alert but still gives the initial pang of panic and stomach drop#not to mention made tiny very anxious and confused as well#welp. i thought it was over but today they were at it again#and i finally managed to catch the parents on the phone and very politely and strenly asked them to have a talk with their kid#only to realize by the time i hung up that i was crying#welp#i dunno why i'm writing this here. probably because it's the only place i can vent about it without actually involving anyone#or maybe as a semi formal recognition that i'm not in fact okay- to remember nobody is completely unscathed#anyway rant over. over and out#shompsays
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ok so . i got invited to a job interview BUTTTTTTTT BUT BUT BUT it's literally the one job i applied for just bc i was so sick of getting denied and so i just said fuck it BUT I'M NOT QUALIFIED I HAVEN'T HAD A JOB LIKE THAT BEFORE WHY DO THEY EVEN WANNA DO THE INTERVIEW WITH ME😭😭😭😭😭
#i'm pretty sure i should have done courses and shit for this kind of a job but i clearly haven't😭😭😭#maybe they're just so desperate.............#hhhhhhhhhhhhhh#well anyway . don't say congrats or anything i really shouldn't get my hopes up for this in any shape or form#bc i think there are many things they could still be a no for them#and i fear my tattoos might be one of those things lmao#i live in some dream world in my head everybody thinks they're very cool#including children#but that really isn't the case i reality huh..#anyway idk idk it's scary i'll have to prep for a very blunt no methinks#god it'd be so stupid if i went there and they asked abt the experience or yk whether i've gone to school for this and i said no😀😀#but then again . i never claimed so anyway#they have my cv they saw where i've worked before#HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#THE JOB IS SCARY TOO WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUTT LITTLE KIDS CAN BE SCARY I CAN'T DO THIS#this is ridiculous#i promise i applied for it on a whim okay i'm not actually stupid#i think#mayor of loserville
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Read the people.com interview, and I'm literally cackling because they got us all so good 😂 to the point I'm side-eyeing the "married to my best friend" comment even though it's a completely normal and sweet thing to say about your partner and still thinking "... married for the bit?"
#smosh#shourtney#married for the bit#don't jump down my throat for this btw#i assure you my scepticism isnt causing any harm to either of them#nor am i demanding anything from them or insulting them by jokingly insinuating maybe they're still doing a bit#shouldn't have to add that but y'all be violent about this 😂#“in 2024 I married my best friend... my girlfriend was mad about it#but we found it hilarious “#😂
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Hi so ao3 decided to suspend my account until march 3rd because I added the tag "this is an ada wong loving zone. ada haters die" to one of my fics, which they have also hidden, and I'm incredibly fucking frustrated for obvious reasons but yeah uh if you can't see my fic Another Time it's because ao3 fucking took it down without warning me or letting me remove the tag. So there's that.
#I'm literally shaking#“harassment” for fuck's sake I'm not attacking anyone I'm telling idiots to stay away from my fucking fic#like yeah okay maybe i shouldn't have said the word “die”. in technical terms that is considered bad.#but still wtf am I gonna do like it's a stupid tag#they said they'll put it back up if I delete the tag once my suspension ends but until mar 3rd i cannot post edit or delete ANY content#INCLUDING comments on OTHER PEOPLE'S fics#which is fucking insane#also who fucking reported me because this fic has been up for MONTHS and I never got word so there's no way it's just ao3 doing it randomly#what misogynist was so pressed that i don't want them reading my fics#edit: i double checked the email and they straight up said someone reported me. lol.
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I'm in such a good mood. How things look in my planning, I should be able to finalize all my portfolio product designs this week (5 detailed projects) 🙌
It's probably gonna take both day + night hrs, but anything to launch the website asap :)
#I'll still have to write out quite a couple of research sections unfortunately – but that really shouldn't take more than 2 wks total#If most goes right from here (and little likes to screw itself in the b*tt) - I think I am ready to air my work in around 3 weeks 😍#I'm gonna cry a lil tear#Then head out to job vacancy boards to get that dream job and maybe all will be well so much sooner than stress fools me to believe
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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i'm begging my uni to stop making every fucking student social activity something where you have to walk around a bunch if you are a slow walker who cannot help it they literally want you dead
#i try to walk as fast as i humanly can. which i shouldn't bc it hurts and makes me dizzy. and i'm still slower than everyone else#last week we divided into groups and had to walk to checkpoints around the city to do tasks#i had a friend in my group who knows abt my issues and they walked slower with me which was nice. everyone else walked like 10 20 meters#ahead and it was fucking embarrassing bc for every checkpoint they had to wait for me#and i felt bad my friend couldn't talk to anyone else in the group bc they were zooming way ahead of us and i'm the one who couldn't keep up#and like. they didn't know my body's fucked. but these are people i do not know well at all and maybe i don't wanna disclose my medical#history to everyone i interact with#and like this event wasn't mandatory. i could've skipped it#but it's every fucking time#most nights we end up going to a bar and to these people “walking distance” is like a half an hour. and they walk fast#i can never keep up#i don't reallu enjoy bars either and i don't drink but you just kinda have to endure to socialize. some days i can't handle it tho#this week there's another checkpoint type activity. i know i shouldn't. i know i'm gonna slow everyone down#but i got specifically asked and invited to be a part of a team. i can't remember the last time that happened#also we're doing a group costume and mine includes platform heels on the streets of a very old city i am so cooked#my friend is nice tho. they know the basic lore and check up on me a bunch which always catches me off guard 😭#i'm used to pushing through and also used to people not really taking my shit into consideration so i don't know how to respond sometimes#2 people in the group know the issues and i just sent the gc a “sorry in advance i can't walk very fast” so like what else is there to do#only accessibility info we're ever given is if it's wheelchair accessible. and that's good. like you should do that. but it kinda ends there#like how much walking is there. where are the stops. are there places to sit.#i love having to either push through or be excluded disabilities are awesome#been in soooo much pain lately and have to take breaks walking uphill. functional body#i live in an area where everything. literally everything. is uphill one way or another. so as you can imagine it's going great#also “you have to endure to socialize” as if i don't end up hovering around my friend like a lost puppy with separation anxiety anyway#the group costume is winx club. btw
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the thing is....... i don't want to complain about sw all the time. but the writers for sw shows/movies make it so fucking hard to be excited bc half of them can't fucking write
#like nothing is perfect so there will always be critiques of everything (show movie book etc)#but like i shouldn't have THIS many critiques for THIS MANY different shows#like i really am here to have a silly goofy time!#but they make it so hard to enjoy the silly space wars media when they can't even do what they're hired for: WRITE#sigh.#anyway i'm not putting this in the main tags#but like i really want to enjoy this show more! i really do! but there have been some writing choices the last couple eps that are um. hm#and also pacing issues that have been there since the beginning#and i just don't get how people who literally make shows for a living are still so bad at making shows :/#if people start getting on this post i might delete later asdfljsdfl#i feel like such a hater but i need to complain for a moment#mik chats#delete later maybe
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