#maybe i should try and get an adhd dx for real….. like actually Do It

[appleslices]

maybe cringey but whatever was watching a yt vid and the ytbuer was like “i was so overwhelmed about all the stuff i wanted to do and needed to do that instead of doing that i just paced around me house for hours” and i wasnt aware that was something other people Also did as an executive function cope…..

[pluralconfessions]

i don't know if this a vent/rant or whatever, but i figured this would be a good place to get this out?? tag with whatever you like.

i think i might be a system of some sort, but i also have severe doubts.

on the one hand, i don't know much of my childhood trauma. i was a "gifted kid". i had undiagnosed adhd-i (now dx, thankfully), and still undiagnosed anxiety. i was a constant daydreamer (which i now believe to be maladaptive daydreaming), and i felt like i changed "identity" a lot, even if i was still [deadname] to the people around me. i shifted in personality, in the way i spoke. i changed online names constantly. but i thought i was just "figuring myself out". i was also, and still am, incredibly sensitive to criticism (rejection sensitive dysphoria). that alone caused me a lot of anxiety, panic attacks, etc. i believe i have some kind of academic trauma that forced me into a perfectionist mindset. but i don't know if that's enough, if i'd be valid as a system should i be one. i also don't really forget anything, but then again things slip from my memories sometimes. it's.. it's weird to explain. i feel more like somebody is taking them than they're being lost/forgotten. is that a thing?

on the other hand, there are a few things to consider. i am fictionkin, but my kins shift. to the point that sometimes i feel like i AM a character, and then i'm another, and then i'm me and i also have a crush on one of the characters i kin now. i also created a lot of selfship OCs, but they live in my head. i know they do, i can hear them rattling around in there. i'm still trying to get them to calm down. i can also picture a "mindspace" of sorts, a big room, there's a large screen where everybody can see what's going on, there's a wall with crystals where each crystal contains a memory (when i remember something uncomfortable i feel like one of the Brain Guys has just knocked it off the shelf), there's a table in the middle, everybody has their own separate rooms. sometimes i think they talk to me. either that or i'm losing my mind. i feel like i shift personalities a lot, i change very rapidly, both online and in real life. it doesn't feel like much to me but i just /know/ i'm different. something changes, how i act or speak, sometimes think. sometimes it's very little, sometimes it's a lot. i notice the way my typing changes. i dissociate, but sometimes i wonder if it's me dissociating or somebody else stepping in to keep me away from potentially traumatic events. that's what it feels like sometimes.

other stuff of note:

i used to want to be a gachatuber, and i would have my little persona, and then suddenly that just /wasn't me/ anymore, i had to change it. but i just saw it as getting bored.

i don't actually know much about the technicalities of system stuff. i see a lot of syscourse but i don't understand it. i think everybody is valid, regardless of where they come from. i know about the concept of multiple people living in/sharing a body, fronting, alters forming, stuff like that. but not much else. mostly, the surface level stuff from being a mogai coiner and seeing a lot of plural interaction in the community. maybe i ought to do more digging.

every time i see stuff discussing systems, i feel drawn to it, and i recognise this feeling. it's the same one i had learning about trans stuff before accepting it, about xenogenders, about alterhumanity, hell, about maladaptive daydreaming. it's probably nothing but it sticks out to me.

if systems are able to have one main host and everyone else can come out to co-front/has access to memories, that hits close to home. i'm just very apprehensive, i'm scared that i'm going to be accused of fakeclaiming or trying to hop on a "trend", which i would never do consciously.

yeah sorry, kinda just had to get this out. i guess help is appreciated? sorry if this isn't a good place. feel free to ignore/delete if it isn't.

I’m really sorry you feel that way. It’s 100% okay to let your feelings out on my blog.

[blackbird-brewster]

Hello Black Bird Brewster! I'm the anon from chaotic archeologist who thinks they are autistic and am going to a dr for pain. I would like to hear any advice and thoughts you have about disclosing information to a dr about 'self diagnosed autism' and maybe how to convey my pain symptoms so I'm not brushed aside?

I grew up with weird ass parents so I've been suffering for quite a long time so I'm real good at 'masking'

Hello Anon,

Thanks for reaching out! For context, I live with multiple disabilities/chronic illnesses. My first dx on this list was about a decade ago. I am also ADHD, that was dx as a kid but I haven't actually had 'treatment' since I was like 10? A couple of years ago I realised I'm also Autistic! Self-diagnosis is extremely important and valid. Because I am a seemingly 'well-adjusted' adult there is literally NO way for me to seek medical dx for autism in my country. There's also no support or benefit to me getting a medical dx. It just isn't accessible, so that's not a thing I care about. I know I'm autistic and that's what's important.

Okay! Now for your question. Approaching any doctor or specialist to discuss chronic pain/illness is ALWAYS nerve-wracking. We unfortunately live in a world where most doctors think they are the know-all be-all of medical knowledge and as soon as you try to suggest your own findings or possible dx of what's going on, they just shut you down. Doctors are taught to 'fix' things. They are trained to deal with acute illnesses that they can slap a band-aid on and heal the patient.

When it comes to CHRONIC illnesses, they don't usually knwo what the fuck they're doing. So they tend to be dismissive because dismissing your symptoms/experiences, is easier than them simply admitting they don't have the answer: they don't know what's going on or what is causing your symptoms. The bar is so low it's on the fucking floor. All we want is to have doctors who actually LISTEN and who are open to discussion, but that isn't always the case. And I know seeking second opinions can be costly and inaccessible, depending on your situation. So what are we to do? My best advice for your appointment to discuss your pain: Be prepared!!

Start a daily journal that you can track your daily pain symptoms. Note anything that seems to make things better or worse. You can do this in a journal or use an app! I use Daylio for mood tracking and all of my symptoms. It's a great app!

Make a symptom tracked of all the things you have been experiencing. You can also do this in Daylio which is hella handy because it's fully customisable. And I can pull up my phone at appointments and immediately report 'Well after I started this medication I logged ten straight days of anxiety, so maybe we need to try something else'

Prepare a detailed medical history that you can print out and hand over as soon as you walk through the door. (This especially helps me because sometimes my autistic anxiety of talking to a new specialist makes me suddenly minimise everything in the moment. But having things pre-written helps so much!) [Here's a template I made]

Bring a support person!! Bring someone you trust, who knows everything you've been going through so they can help fill in blanks and they can take notes during the appointment. My partner takes notes for me because otherwise, I will instantly forget what the doctor said. I get so stressed about my appointments that I usually am half-dissociative during them, so having my partner there is SO helpful.

BRING SOME COMFORT ITEMS!! I do NOT go to any appointment without my favourite fidget AND a stuffed animal. Fuck what people think about it. It's the only way I can pay attention at appointments and I am unashamed to stimm in order to be functional.

The more prepared you are, the more serious doctors seem to take you. (Again, it should NOT be this hard but we're just trying to survive a medical system that does NOT want to help disabled people.)

Now, in terms of your autism:

This is entirely a personal choice. I am extremely lucky to have a GP who listens to me and is 100% supportive when I go 'Hey, I think all these symptoms could be x,y,z' I had already been seeing ehr for years when I realised I'm autistic, so when I realised it I was in the same dilemma you are in. Ultimately, I never had a sort of 'coming out' as autistic convo with her. I simply just started talking about it casually in regards to my treatment. 'Well, my autistic sensory needs would not be able to cope with that medication. Is there something else we could try?' Stuff like that. I also always have my medical bracelet on that states I'm autistic. And I'm always sporting my pronoun badges and at least one badge that clearly states I'm autistic. She has never asked about it, she just has just begun to take my autism into account as we discuss treatments. But for new doctors/specialists, I have a very clear disclaimer on my little medical document. It is highlighted at the top and it simply says: I am autistic, please be patient with me.

I will also tell doctors this up front and I try to name my needs throughout the appointment. Things like asking for them to email me a copy once they finish their full report of our appointment, or asking them to explain something further if I don't understand, or asking them for more information about treatments before I can make a decision.

I never declare 'Hey, I'm self-dx autistic and here's all the reasons why I believe this.' because that is NOT the important part. What's important is that I am able to voice what I need in terms of accessibility in regards to my autism.

If you're seeing a doctor for anything other than an actual autism assessment/treatment (like a psychdoc), then I don't see any reason why you need to over disclose things. You don't need to try and validate the fact you are autistic to a doctor who is simply trying to treat your chronic pain.

You are autistic. Full stop. You don't need to expend any extra emotional energy in order to convince other people of that fact. If you WANT to talk to your doctor about these things, then go for it. But if you're concern lies with 'what do I NEED to disclose' the answer is absolutely nothing you're uncomfortable with. I hope this helps and I really hope your appointment goes well. I hope your pain eases soon, my anon love. Please always remember that your feelings and needs are completely valid and you should never have to compromise your comfort levels for anyone. I love you. I am proud of you. I am here for you. x