#maybe i should take tomorrow off too i'm so so so so very unwell :(((((((((

[hairtusk]

okay this pain and nausea is genuinely unbearable but i've just found some codeine in an old handbag we're so back

[midnightsunnyday]

Say It With Your Chest *.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*

➼ parings: Barbatos & Black Fem!OC, Diavolo/Black Fem!OC, implied Lucifer/Black Fem!OC ➼ content warnings: none, yet read at your own discretion. ➼ summary: there's something about the new exchange student, Vivica, that Barbatos doesn't like. Diavolo is clearly smitten, and for the sake of his lord, Barbatos tries his best to keep said discrepancies hidden until he can't. Fortunately, the feeling is mutual.

(Chapter One)

[Barbatos]: I believe the Young Master is unwell.

Such admissions embarrassed Barbatos. It was unlike him to miss the finer details of things.  

He knew that the reason Mammon had taken interest in the castle’s art gallery was to steal from it. Again.

He knew that despite playing it off as a new fashion statement, Asmodeus was hiding an unsightly rash he procured overnight with a scarf.

He knew of Satan, who was not in fact, studying for his midterms in the library every afternoon, but sneaking off to the local curse and hexes shop.

Yet the recent behavior exhibited by the young lord was increasingly concerning, even more so while out in public. And what's worse, he could not--for the life of him--understand why.

Naturally, Lucifer's response was prompt.

[Lucfier]: That's rare. What symptoms is he showing?

Where to begin? It started with the random bouts of losing focus. The unmitigated time of staring off into the distance, sighing.

[Barbatos]: that and he has a habit of turning red.

The notification bell chimed.

[Lucifer]: you mean more than the usual amount?

Barbatos frowned. An odd response. Perhaps he hadn’t conveyed his concern strongly enough. Such are the mishaps when using such a confoundable device.

[Barbatos]: I'm assuming that was a joke, and on any other occasion I would have shared in your humor, yet I'm afraid this is much too serious to take lightly.

There. Much better.

[Lucifer]: My apologies. Do go on.

[Barbatos]: Besides the stated, he’s also been panicked, sweaty, and listless. Yet every time I attempt to delve further, he assures me nothing is wrong. 

[Barbatos]: If you have any insight as to…oh, I see you’re still typing your response. Pardon me.

The three blinking dots in the text field disappeared, then reappeared several times. Lucifer tended to text with using only his index finger, a habit that prolonged any written communications. An eternity must have gone by before he replied:  

[Lucifer]: I see. I may have an answer. However, you should know that what "ails" Diavolo is not something you or I can assist with.

[Lucifer]: Thankfully, it isn't fatal. Usually.

[Barbatos]: I must admit. Your habit of conveying your thoughts through crypticisms, while amusing, is only aiding in my frustration.

[Lucifer]: It’s simple really.

[Lucifer]: The next time you find him about, pay closer attention to where exactly his eyes falter.

[Lucifer]: There will lie your answer.

To where his eyes faltered. Just what exactly was the Young Master so preoccupied with that it would begin to interfere with his duties? Lucifer was being uncharacteristically unhelpful in his insights tonight, an issue he would not dwell on for long, yet would bring to his attention at another time. Until then…

[Barbatos]: Very well. I will do as you advised. Thank you. And goodnight.

Barbatos gazed at the screen of his D.D.D. a bit longer before placing it face down upon the nightstand. He supposed he’d have to rely on his own perception for now. He’d finished his duties ahead of schedule, and for once, would have a decent night’s rest before tomorrow's busy schedule.

In the calm darkness, Barbatos drifted along with his thoughts. Maybe he was finally losing his touch. A millennium wading through space and time would eventually cause anyone’s mind to slip occasionally. Maybe that’s why he found himself becoming fond of the sorcerer, Solomon. If any could attest to the weight of infinite knowledge and time, it would be him. For that, and much more, he’d earned the right to be called master, he’d earned his respect.

Though I’m uncertain the same could be said for the other human. Barbatos tried, for the sake of the Young Master, to rebuff such thoughts, yet they'd only grown louder over the past few months. Another issue he would have to deal with, yet again, another time.

For now, rest was needed.

********

It would be two days after their conversation when Barbatos would see Lucifer’s words in action. Per usual, there were duties to attend to at the castle, yet Barbatos didn’t need to be near the young prince to watch him. Though he was forbidden to use his powers to change or view the future, such prohibitions did not apply to the present. The young prince had taken his usual stroll through RAD, yet something was off. On occasion, he would stand in place, his head turning which way or the other, the corners of his mouth lifting, only to frown as if disappointed. His pupils dilating, sharpening, dilating, sharpening. It was clear he was searching for something. But what?

Finally, he halted. From the way his entire being brightened, it was clear the prince had found what he was searching for. There, sitting on a bench within the RAD courtyard, was the object of his master’s happiness.

Ah. So I see…

Thank goodness. So it wasn’t him losing his touch. The answer had been in front of him all along. Rather, the reality was so unremarkable that he failed to notice it. Now satisfied, Barbatos continued with his daily tasks.

The exchange student, Vivica. So she is the reason for your afflictions…

…Though he could not--for the life of him--understand why.

[hulijingemperor2]

This morning, Qin Su woke up to nausea and dizziness, so her maid Bicao called A-Yao to check on her. A-Su was in her separate Pavillion, as it's the norm for empresses and concubines.

Yao: *rusbing in with Rusong and the rest*

Qin Su: *clings to A-Yao* Yao Huangdi. My Yao huangdi.

Yao: A-Su. *embraces her* goodness you're pale. Are you unwell?

Qin Su: yes I am. I think I caught a flew or something.

Yao: *gives her water*

Rusong: A-niang, do you need anything else?

Qin Su: no Songsong. I just want Yao.

A-qing: *rubbing her back*

Yao: *to his attendants* get the physicians.

Why aren't the physicians here?!!

Do you want me to fire you?!

Forgive us, Huangdi.

Right away, Huangdi.

Xue yang: Jiggy is so hot when he raises his voice.

Su she: just divine.

Mo xuanyu: but what happened to Su jiejie.

Su she: she saw Lan lips.

Xue yang: omg, Shanshan. You're so savage.

Qin Su: team dimple, can you stop talking about him!

He tried to steal my husband!

Xue yang: I know right. Lan lips is so shameless. Heehee.

Su she: as you wish, Huanghou.

Yangyang, behave.

afterwards, Jing Manor's physicians came and checked up on Qin Su.

Then Meng Shi entered.

Meng Shi: A-Su! Baby, what happened?

Qin Su: yuemu hou! I'm feeling nauseous.

Meng Shi: nauseous?

*smiling to herself*

Sisi.

Sisi: I'm thinking the same, jiejie.

Qin su: why are you smiling? You want me to die?

Meng Shi: no no dear. You'll be fine, A-Su.

Qin Su: wait.....I think I felt nauseous like this already.

But I don't think....

Sisi: don't think too much! *laughing*

Huanghou jiejie, what did your son do?

Meng Shi: you don't need to worry. But my son is excellent at being attractive and charming.

Sisi: he got it from you.

Meng Shi: gosh. He did.

Qin Su: *pouts* Yuemu hou. Focus on me.

Meng Shi: ok ok dear. *caresses face* I'll focus on you.

~ that line, "focus on me" has been a cute little Meng pregnancy trend actually.

Meng Shi said that to Sisi, Qin Su said it to A-Yao when she was pregnant with Rusong, and now she's saying it again.~

Sisi: she's so cute.

Meng Shi: yes she is.

Yao: *holding Qin Su's hand*

One of the physicians: congratulations Huanghou and Huangdi.

And thank you for blessing the empire again.

You're pregnant.

Qin Su: *smiling* what?!!!!

Yao: *smile* A-su????? You are?!

Qin su: *places A-Yao's hand on her tummy* yes.

Yao: I'm so happy!

*takes off this outer robes and gifted it to his staff. Tell everyone in the city that everything is free today and they're entitled to a golden tael.

Let them party.

Xiying: yes yes Huangdi. I'll deliver the news.

Meng Shi: A-Su!!!! *kisses her* my sweetest daughter-in-law. You're such a gift.

Yao'er, congratulations. *kisses* Yao'er, you're so smart and charming. And always successful in making others fall in love with you.

Yao: thank you, A-niang.

Meng Shi: you two have the most beautiful children.

Rusong: *hugs* congrats A-niang! I can't wait to meet my new sibling.

Jingyi: same. I'm very excited.

Qin Su: aw thank you babies.

We'll be one big happy family.

A-qing: congrats Meng Furen!

Qin Su: thanks A-qing.

Meng Shi: team dimple. Do you have anything to say?

Su she: I'm really happy for my Huangdi. Congrats huangdi amd Qin Huanghou.

Mo xuanyu: we were belly dancing for them! Why aren't we pregnant too?! This is unfair.

Xue yang: come on Jiggy. Make us pregnant too.

Anyways, congrats.

Meng shi: oh A-Yu. Don't be sad.

Mo xuanyu: ok taihou.

Congrats you two. I'm genuinely happy for you. *hugs Ayao*

Meng Shi: so team dimple were belly dancing? *laughing*

Yao: yea. All for entertainment.

Meng Shi: ah Yes. You deserve the best. I believe everyone in the harem should belly dance for my son.

Yao: oh my. But I do agree.

Meng Shi: well we must call the harem and spread the news to the rest of the empire.

Yao: mn.

Sisi: I'll tell your parents in Laoling.

Qin Su: yes. Please do!

Meng Shi: tell Xuan'er and A-li too.

Sisi: sure. Maybe I'll tell them tomorrow. A-Su is maybe sleepy.

Meng Shi: you're right. She needs her rest.

~~

Later on, in the harem palace. A-Yao supported Qin Su by wrapping his arm around her and holding her hand.

Yao: *gently helps her sit* have a seat, dear.

Qin Su: ok.

Yao: here's some vegetable soup.

Jiang cheng: is Meng Furen sick?

Mingjue: I don't know. Team dimple is always vague about everything. They just told me to come to the harem.

And i know that taihou or A-Yao maybe asked them to.

Huaisang: admit it dage, you're afraid of taihou.

Mingjue: I just want to respect her.

Anyways, why can't team dimple just normally give a message. They're always so secretive.

Jiang cheng: because they're team dimple.

Zewu Jun, do you know anything?

Xichen: not at all. I wasn't in Jing Manor at the time. But based on A-Yao's body language, I can tell what it is.

Team dimple: *enters* stop trying to ruin the surprise!

Mo xuanyu: Lan lips. Shhhhh.

Xue yang: guys, can't you just relax a bit. Omg.

Su she:  we'll tell you soon.

Mingjue: whatever. Just don't make it about yourselves.

Su she: I believe Lan lips was going to make it about himself.

Xichen: what? No!

Mo xuanyu: are you jealous of us, dage?!

Mingjue: never.

Xue yang: Qin Su is a member of team dimple by the way.

Mingjue: making it about themselves again.

Jiang cheng: they always do.

Mo xuanyu: nooo, it's about Su jiejie.

And she happens to be a part of team d and your boss too.

Su she: yup.

Jiang cheng: *rolls eyes*

Mingjue: team dimple, it's not about you!

Meng Shi: guys, stop fighting on such an auspicious day.

Yao: harem members. My A-Su is pregnant.

Huaisang: what?!!

Mingjue: How?!!!

Xue yang: dage. Obviously they did papapa!

Jiang cheng: are you serious?!

Mo xuanyu: that's what a husband and wife do, Jc.

I know, it should have been team d. But we're still happy.

Mingjue: who's jealous now. *scoffs*

Su she: shut up.

Jiang cheng: Congratulations you two.

Yao: thank you.

Qin Su: thanks, Jiang cheng.

Su she: you guys could have done better.

Xichen: *hugs Ayao* congrats on being a dad again, A-Yao. I know you always wanted a lot of children.

Yao: yes!

Xichen: Meng Furen, I'm very happy for you. You deserve all the happiness.

Qin Su: thank you. (Joking) And don't hug my husband in front of me.

Xichen: that's impossible, haha.

Qin Su: ah.... I agree.

Huaisang: what do you two want? A boy or a girl?

Yao: a girl. But it doesn't matter the gender.

I would love the child anyway.

Qin Su: I want a girl too!

Xichen: aw. A little princess.

Yao: exactly.

Mingjue: *pulls Huaisang aside* I don't want you to enter your villain Arc, ok?

Huaisang: what villain Arc? I don't have any time to be evil. I'm busy babysitting Zixuan's children.

Mingjue: what did you really want?

Huaisang: *dramatic* the spotlight.

But I can't tell you because~~

Meng Shi: Nie gui fei number 1 and 2.

Nies: *startled*

Mingjue: taihou.

Huaisang: taihou, I swear. I didn't do anything!

Mingjue: (why is he so shady?)

Meng Shi: you both should chill. A chaotic and secretive environment isn't ideal for the baby.

Right?

Nies: right. Forgive us, taihou.

Meng Shi: lovely.

*walks off* Yao'er.

Mingjue: why do I have to take the blame along with you?!

Huaisang: because that's how it is. The elder sibling must be scolded too!

Jiang cheng: team dimple, you watched them do papapa then? Since you guys were belly dancing.

Xue yang: unfortunately no.

But we got to kiss them of course.

Huaisang: (is this my chance to say that A-Su got pregnant by someone from team dimple? So I can become the empress and make a child for San ge? ...... nah I'm too lazy)

Mo xuanyu: we all gave them kisses, while we danced like courtesans.

Su she:  Huangdi gave us gifts and then said, give us our privacy~ you guys danced well.

Meng Shi: well my son do have skills.

Xichen: A-Yao is so darn hot.

Qin Su: *blushing*

Jiang cheng: oh, I thought you three watched them.

Su she: we respect them, unlike you.

Jiang cheng: ugh.

Yao: when A-Su is two months pregnant, we'll have a baby shower.

Qin Su: everyone is invited.

Mo xuanyu: yay!

Rusong's baby shower was the best.

The empire had a flower show and lantern festival.

Everyone got sweets catered from Jing Manor.

Su she: yea, the empire was part of the celebration too.

Xue yang: remember his one month?

Xichen: that was a huge party.

A-Yao, what do you have in mind for the baby shower?

Yao: well for the empire, there will be another flower show. And I'll have 108 Sakura trees, magnolias and roses planted in Jinjing.

For Rusong, I had pine trees, peonies and orchids planted for him.

Xichen: lovely idea.

Yao: they're all free to have a party. And we'll cater all the food.

If we don't cater food, we'll sponsor the ingredients.

Does these sound good, Asu?

Qin Su: of course Huangdi. We should celebrate with pomp.

Yao: Anyways. That's all. I have to take care of A-Su, and make sure she's comfortable.

I'll be back shortly.

Xiying, Fuying I'll send my list of details.

We must plan in advance.

Xiying: of course, Huangdi.

~~

Next day, Zixuan and family as well as Madam Qin and Qin Cangye came to check on A-Su.

Zixuan: Foxy. *hugs* I'm so happy for you! You're going to he a dad again!!

Yao: thanks Zish. *hugs*

Zixuan: I'm going to be an uncle again!

Yao: the best uncle.

Zixuan: as I must.

It's my duty to spend money on your babies.

Yanli: *hugs* A-Su. *gives her a kiss*

You look so so pretty. Congrats baby.

Qin Su: thank you!!

Yanli: I'll make some soup for you.

Qin Su: that would be lovely.

Zixuan: congrats A-Su. I promise I'll be an amazing uncle.

Qin Su: *laughing* I know, Xuan ge. You're always an amazing uncle.

Zixuan: awww.

Jinling: xiao shushu! I'll protect Mt future cousin, like how I did with Rusong.

Yao: you're so ideal. *kisses him on his forehead*

Rusong: I'll give them all my love as a big bro.

Jingyi: everyone is lucky to have you as a big brother. Talking from experience.

Rusong: thank you A-Yi.

Jingyi: yep. He's great with gremlins and kids.

Jingyi: hey!

Jinling: how do you have the patience?

Rusong: I don't really know.

Well I love children. And for the gremlin thing, I just watched how A-Die deals with uncle muffin.

Xue yang: Songsong. I'm not a gremlin.

Yao: *laughing* sure you aren't.

A-qing: king of gremlins.

Xue yang: xuanyu is a gremlin too.

Mo xuanyu: when was I a gremlin.

Su she: Huangdi. Am I a gremlin too?

Yao: no Shanshan. Team d are all gremlins together. But I love it.

Meng Shi: *walking in with Qin Su's parents* her face is completely glowing.

It's so sweet.

Madam Qin: per face glowed when she was pregnant with Song'er.

Qin cangye: Laoling will also be decorated for A-Su.

Meng Shi: delightful. Madam Qin, thank you so much for A-su.

Madam Qin: taihou, you don't need to thank me. I'm happy that she's married into such a powerful and beautiful family. And continues your lineage with the emperor.

Huangdi is so charming.

Meng shi: certainly is.

Yao: yuemu, yuefu. *bow*

Qin cangye: oh Huangdi. Huangdi doesn't need to bow.

Yao: but you're my in-laws. I have to respect you.

Madam Qin: so sweet!

How are you, A-Yao?

Yao: I'm very delighted to be a dad again. It's a great honour.

Madam Qin: awww

Qin Su: *hugs* A-niang!

Madam Qin: A-Su! Congratulations!

Qin Su: thank you

Qin cangye: my dear, may you always be prosperous. I hope to see your next dimple baby.

Qin su: haha, thanks a lot A-Die.

A-Yao gives all his children dimples.

Qin cangye: yes, I see that. Song'er is so beautiful.

Speaking of him, here he comes!

Rusong: waipo! Waizufu!

Madam Qin: *pinches his cheeks* Song'er. My little baby!

Qin Cangye: how are you, baby? Here I brought some cash for you.

I know you are a Wangzi, but you're still my grandson.

Rusong: aw thank you so much. You guys are the best! I missed you.

Qin Cangye: aww.

Madam Qin: out baby missed us!

Jingyi: hey, waipo and waizufu.

Madam Qin: A-Yi. *caresses his face* you're our other baby. How are you?

Jingyi: I'm fine

Madam Qin: we brought cash for you too, A-Yi.

Jingyi: wow! Thanks!

Qin Cangye: what an adorable pair. And a baby is on the way.

Meng Shi: my dynasty is immortal.

And forever will be.

Qin cangye: of course!

~~

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary171

3/3-4/2024

sunday - monday

a nice day off i guess.

back 2 feeling bad tomorrow though. not that bad though. the next 2 days are just 3 hour shifts, but after that,,,, 2 more days off, and then 2 more 7.5 hour shifts. isn't that sooo cooooool.

i know people live like that normally but really they should not i think. it is not good for people.

anyway, today i've mostly been mixing this one song, since i'm not going in early tomorrow, i'm gonna be able to record vocals probably tomorrow, so i'm thinking i'm gonna do that for this song, replacement vocals for parts/because i disliked some lyrics. and then maybe some more stuff re: vocals on other songs. whatever i need to do to get things done, and if it's stuff that's like, simple, as in, going in and re-recording, that'll be good.

i should get a list of songs i need to re-record together, for vocals, and songs that need new lyrics. huhmmmmmmmm. i don't want to make it tedious though. but i guess it just might end up that way... frustrating and sad and a whole lot of other things. idk. it's just hard to get practiced rn. my gf and i are like home at the same times mostly. i just need time to myself to like, practice i feel like. but i don't really want her to go when i'm off work or whatever.

testing some stuff out to get these vocals to sound right, the parts/bones i do like/ need to help guide me, i think.

one idea was less distortion, i always do a bit too much, and then another was i forgot on the master fx, the weird high pass filters on psp infinistrip's compressors. i know what they do now, better, they just make the songs i'm making sound better when i push them up higher, i think. so i'm doing that.

i did take a long break at around 11 pm where i played elden ring some, i fought some random bosses, stuff like that, i found a cute chest piece to wear. that is one criticism i have of the game, not enough pretty/cute armor, dark souls had so much, demon's souls was very cool looking imo, ds3 was also good, ds2 was weird but good ultimately. elden ring lacks in that department, i think. very strange.

i also just need to buy a new mouse soon, this one is double clicking by accident/malfunction, super annoying.

another thing, i want to do some stuff to that horse thing i did yesterday, i had an idea for things to draw over top of it/modify it with gut-y things. it could be good, for something, idk what though.

since i am sleepy, i'll cut this one short i guess, a final bit of thinking though, re: today

i was thinking about like, why i like music w/ screaming in it, in the shower today, and about how it reminds me of this noise in my head sometimes, it's not like, coming from anger, it's like a violent and incoherent thought, not violent outwardly, but its happening, it is an eruption of some sort, it is a straight line, or like, an epiphany, a gust of wind from where but leading me elsewhere, it is gravity, it gives me something but its utterances can't really be expressed. this is all to say, it's inarticulate to the point of articulating something, it used to appear a lot more, when i was a lot more unwell i guess, it was like screaming and also the scraping of a machine, it didn't crowd out the ability to think though, it was concurrent with my internal voice, it was a phenomenon, i lived beside it, or it lived through me, idk. i hope it doesn't sound deluded to say it articulated something in its incoherence, because i don't think it articulated anything meaningful on the level of like, what i am, you know. it gave me very little except a feeling, it revealed itself as a feeling speaking totally, its own voice, i guess, cleaved from the semantic structures i live by typically, another voice speaking wrong, i guess the gnashing of the teeth, an abjection appearing inside me, or maybe the waste produced in thought reached out and shook me. that is what it seems like now. it is a theoretical thing, almost, spurred on by difficult circumstance in my life. music like orchid or powerviolence or anything else really excessive along similar lines speaks that same sort of position i think, or it at least seems to emerge from there. not necessarily rage or whatever, it doesn't have to be angry, it is just brittle and coming apart. i was thinking of this beside why my girlfriend doesn't seem to always like that stuff, and i think it's more that to her, it recalls being screamed at, rather than a wall of noise that can be pointed outward (recalling cybernetic hypothesis' idea of a zone of offensive haze now), or used to shroud oneself. this is a difference of experience but not desire, since we want that same thing, but we imagine it differently.

this is what makes us a good couple, i think.

currently waiting for this final export now. i am so actually almost painfully tired i feel like.

okay... that was not the final one, but maybe this will be.. ihope.

i think i will just have to figure this one out tomorrow, but it's getting there, i think the instrumental is sitting at the right volume but idk what's up with the vocal mix. maybe too many scooped mids? idk. a weird sound overall. maybe it has to do w/ the not distorted low end? i can try fooling w/ that tomorrow as well.

anyway, i need to sleep now so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[caranfindel]

Episode recap/review: Walker 1.14

I didn't expect to recap 1.14 and yet here I am, still avoiding my unfinished Summergen fic. I'm actually writing this in real time, as I watch the episode. So for once I'm not pretending I don't know what happens. I literally don't know.

We begin with Cordell and Grandpa clearing up the crime scene. How much do I love Cordell saying "Daddy?" A lot. And not in that way, you perverts. It just really brings out the Texan.

Liam is in bed, recuperating. He gets a call (note that he calls himself William professionally, which is news to me, and I like it for whatever reason) from someone asking for a comment, which he starts to angrily refuse before Gramma Walker grabs his phone and hangs up. Gramma Walker going all Mama Bear for Liam is also interesting, and unexpected. But Liam says "I can take care of myself" and she says "No, you can't. None of you boys can." And then looks sadly out the window, where Cordell and Grandpa are taking down the crime scene tape. I just have to think "none" and not "both" means she's thinking of poor dead Hoyt, who she obviously loved like a son, if not more so. (More evidence for the Hoyt is her lovechild file? Maybe.)

Geri shows up, wearing an unnecessary cowboy hat and Hoyt's old jacket. She's bearing Hoyt's last will and testament, written on a bar coaster! Oh, my heart. And in case you can't read it:

If I get shivved in the shower or some old horse kicks me upside the head. For real Liam stamp it and everything - I leave everything to Geri/"Geraldine Broussard"/angle [sic] face sweet lips etc. So that plot I bought over in Tanglewood is for her and whatever I got in my pockets or elsewhere. See ya in the next life.

Angle face!

I'm not sure this would stand up in court, since he didn't even sign his last name, although it is witnessed by William Walker. Anyway, it's a moot point, because the land Hoyt intended to give Geraldine "Angle Face" Broussard is transferring to new owners, effective tomorrow. Which makes no sense. The deal fell apart because he died, and yet it's so soon after his death that the police tape is still up. New owners wouldn't be in the picture that quickly. Reverting to previous owners, because it was owner-financed? Sure. But not new owners. (Whatever, Caranfindel. Move it along.) She asks Cordell to go with her to gather his personal belongings. And to bring the kids. Hmmm, let's see how Stella can mess this up. (Tanglewood is 71 miles from Austin. Of course I looked it up.)

But first, Cordell has to sign paperwork to begin his leave of absence. So he didn't actually intend to quit. I mean, we all knew he'd be back, but I kind of thought he was, at the time, intending to quit for good. Does Connie the HR person have a big old crush on him? There is hand touching and deep, serious gazing.

Touch him, Connie. Touch him for those of us who cannot.

Micki is sitting right outside the conference room where he signs his papers but still acts surprised that he's in the building. Did she not smell the rosemary mint shampoo as he walked by? He thanks her for the flowers and apologizes for not calling her back. And then cancels their lunch plans so he can go off with Geri and the kids.

Someone said this on Tumblr, and I think it bears repeating here. It's interesting comparing Cordell's grief, over his wife and now his best friend, to Sam's grief. Cordell is clearly deeply affected, and is also clearly moving on. Sam is just unhinged.

Elsewhere. The gang stops for lunch and reminisces about Hoyt dressed as Santa, wearing assless chaps. Well. That's memorable. (Also, I know people who did the whole leaving horse manure and pretending it's reindeer poop thing. Some people are just a lot more into Santa than I was.) Trevor (Travis? Whatever) called Stella. She's apparently avoiding him. Probably a good call, sis. Maybe the only one you've made in 14 episodes. (To be fair, I didn't watch the first four.)

Micki shares tacos with her boyfriend, whose name I can never remember, having been stood up by Cordell. She tells him Cordell seemed "off," which is great now, Micki. Why didn't you pay more attention to that feeling last week? The BF thinks Micki herself might be off, because she misses her partner. And she calls him family. Captain What's His Face comes to talk to Trey (that's his name, dammit) and asks if he knows a guy who goes to the same physical therapist's office. Friends, when I've done PT, I don't even know people who go to my therapist, let alone just go to someone in the same office. But maybe folks in Austin are just friendlier than they are round these parts. Oh, wait. The guy is missing, and was last seen in a heated discussion with Trey? What's up with that, Trey?

Tanglewood. Cordell asks the nice lady (realtor? owner?) about Hoyt's "personal affects," and she says "they are probably out grazing." Because Hoyt's personal effects are four horses and a llama. Which Geri owns now. "Where am I going to board four horses and a llama?" she asks. Cordell is oddly befuddled (and adorably, cause y'all know how I feel about befuddled Jared), as if he didn't live on a ranch. With horses. The family business, remember? The kids are entranced. I would be too. It's a damn cute llama. One of the mares actually nursed the llama, so they're family. (Watch out for falling anvils.)

Micki's house. Trey says the "heated discussion" was the missing guy showing him a judo move. Captain asks Trey to ride along and help him investigate, and poor partnerless Micki asks if she can come with.

Tanglewood. Apparently Hoyt's personal affects also included gear for the four horses, because everyone is saddled up. Geri doesn't seem like an experienced rider - she keeps her hand on the pommel of the saddle, which I always heard was a rube move. (At least she's not clutching the saddle horn. No shade. It's hard not to. It's a perfect handle and it's just right there.) Cordell, of course, rides perfectly, as he does everything perfectly.

Everything except his job. And raising his kids. But do I care about those things? Not so much.

Geri thinks the llama looks unwell. What is she, a llama expert? A veterinarian? And what are they doing on this trail ride anyway - taking the herd back to the Walker ranch? It's 71 miles away! It's an hour and a half driving! How will they get the truck? Why didn't Cordell just say "let's go back to the ranch and get Daddy's cattle trailer?" WHY.

(No one cares. No one but you thinks about these things.)

Stella is on her phone, but it turns out she's (allegedly) re-reading Hoyt's last text, not chatting with friends. And then she says she was "responsible for everything." Oh, wait. We're going there? Stella is finally going to face the music? Cordell says it's not her fault, but they're interrupted by the llama, who apparently is in distress. Cordell wants to leave him at a random homestead. Permanently? Like, "excuse me, ma'am, but can you take this llama?" Or just while they get the horses home? I dunno.

August doesn't like this, because the llama and the horses are family. Geri distracts him by claiming Hoyt wanted him to have the jacket she's wearing, although I find this rather dubious, because why did she wait so long to mention it? Why is she wearing it herself? It's a lucky jacket he won from a tarot card reader and card hustler named The Mystifying Mehar, who was "infamous for getting out of trouble because of that jacket." Cordell then asks Geri to go off with the kids while he hangs back and tries to ditch the llama. Oh no, Cordell, don't do that. He's family!

Back at the ranch, Grandpa chases off some more journalists. He also ignores Gramma's concern about his cancer.

Trail ride. We skipped the whole bit where Cordell found someone willing to take in a goddamn llama, caught up with his kids, and told them what he did. They're mad that he wouldn't even try, and then Stella impulsively rides off, almost falling into a revine.

Team Sassyboots 2.0 questions the missing guy's wife. Turns out he left a note. Doesn't sound like he's as missing as they thought. He said he would "fix everything," i.e., their upcoming foreclosure. They check his workshop and find evidence that he was a military contractor, and apparently this means he should have no money problems whatsoever, because they don't understand how money works. His gun safe is empty, so they figure he's on some kind of "black ops" job. And if it's going to be complete by Monday, I assume it's something local, and not a military operation.

Walker Ranch. Someone who is Liam's "political opponent" comes to take care of him? And he's bringing barbeque? Is it poisoned? Gramma says Liam can't have barbecue because he's on bedrest, as if one had anything to do with the other. And... Grandpa wants to go mushroom hunting with her? Is that what the kids call it these days?

Trail ride. Cordell found someone to keep the horses. Temporarily? I'm still confused. Stella and Geri talk about Hoyt, and Stella asks about her forgiving him. Thinking about some forgiveness toward your own bad boy, Stella? She says "the two of you were always kind of like the dream to me," which is odd considering they were off-and-on, while her parents were very much on, and definitely seem more like couple goals. But okay. Stella confesses again that she is responsible, and Geri says "you let love in, maybe; that's your worse crime." I wonder if Stella blames herself for the fake truck crash that started the whole domino effect, or if she even realizes that's what happened. Obviously Geri wouldn't. Hmmm, I wonder what August thinks about all this?

Walker Ranch. Whoever this political opponent is, he must be a family friend, because he gave a toast at Cordell and Emily's rehearsal dinner. "Hey, when did your brother have such long hair," he asks, looking at a picture of the happy couple. Liam is growing facial hair again. I like it. Opponent suggests the spicy barbecue will put hair on Liam's chest and Liam tosses it aside and says "no, dammit, after I spent all that time waxing?" And Liam might drop out of whatever race he's in. I don't really care about that part. Let's talk more about Liam's chest.

I love that they can use actual Padalecki family photos as Cordell and Emily photos. No bad Photoshop needed!

Team Sassyboots 2.0. I don't really care about this missing guy either. Skipping it. You know, I understand this is meant to be an ensemble show, and Jared Padalecki and his stupid pretty face and long legs are not going to be in every scene. But Micki working a case with her boss and her boyfriend just bothers me and I don't want to be a part of it.

Trail ride. They're bedding down in the barn for the night? What the fuck? Where are they? Why didn't they just drive home? I'm so confused! Cordell and Geri talk about Hoyt some more. Cordell makes an awkward comment about "us together" and then amends it to mean all of us together, as in you and me and the kids camping right now, not, like, you and me together together, and then does a little eyebrow thing like whoo, good job, talked your way out of that one. NO, CORDELL, YOU ARE NOT AS SMOOTH AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. Anyway. There's a lot of guilt about poor dead Hoyt. Cordell tells Geri her name is still on the Sidestep lease (lease? I thought they owned it?), as if being part owner of a bar is always going to be a good thing, with no liability at all. And they don't kiss, for which I am grateful. The horses are really acting up. I hope nothing's happening.

Cordell checks on the horses and apologizes to the mare for leaving the llama behind. He realizes he made the wrong choice. "You know what," he says. "Let's go fix this."

I adore him.

Walker Ranch. Grandpa and Gramma have been mushroom hunting and are now getting silly. Um, what kind of mushrooms did you two find? And then Grandpa says "tonight's about Hoyt," which I do not understand. "I saw the joy he gave you," Grandpa says. Yes, Grandpa, and do you not find that even a little bit fishy? And then he decides to build something.

Trail ride. Cordell went and retrieved his llama! He is precious. I love him so much. He has some pratfalls in the same ravine that almost caught Stella, and then his family shows up and rescues him. (Can I point out that his "a-ha-ha" laugh is the same one we heard when he opened his gift from Dean in "A Very Supernatural Christmas" and I'm not sure it appeared in any other episode?) August offers the Lucky Jacket to use as a llama harness to haul the little guy out of the ravine. Oh, and it turns out the llama is about to give birth.

And, while I'm skipping Team Sassyboots 2.0, it's hard to ignore that Micki is now in a UFC fight. That might have been an interesting story after all. Y'all can fill me in.

Walker Ranch. They're building a little stable. Because this big horse ranch doesn't have enough stables. Liam, who was bedridden to the point of not being able to eat barbeque yesterday, is now helping build. He gets a text from his former fiance, who wants to talk. And Grandpa has decided to treat his cancer. Happy endings all around!

Micki's house. She says she was passive-aggressive with Walker because she's afraid of losing him. I get it, sweetie. He's someone you don't want to lose.

Trail ride. August is carrying the newborn llama, wrapped in the Lucky Jacket. Geri wants to cut out before they get to the ranch. She's going to ride the bus home? Seriously? Isn't her car at the Walker Ranch? She and Cordell talk abou their unfinished business. Yeah, like the fact she was probably involved in your wife's murder? That unfinished business, Geraldine? Grandpa meets them before they get to the ranch and informs them he has a strict no-llama policy on the ranch. But luckily, he just built an alpaca stable. They’re alpacas, not llamas. So, Geri called him, but how did he know they were alpacas? Did she send pictures? I am so confused. Anyway. The new family goes into their new home. They name the baby alpaca Hoyt, of course.

Little Hoyt, guys, he's the sweetest thing.

Breakfast. Political Opponent gives Liam a contribution. Oh, I get it. They're running for the same office, and he thinks Liam will draw votes away from his other opponent. Shrewd. Stella calls Trevor and says she might need to leave the past behind. And you are the past, Trevor. Cordell sees a truck pull up and runs out to meet Micki. She apologizes for holding a grudge over him leaving. She tries to shake hands and he hugs her instead. She thinks they can just be friends now instead of partners, and he says they're not friends, they're family. And then she oohs and aahs over the alpacas, which she recognizes immediately as alpacas and not llamas, and also points out that little Hoyt is actually a girl. Oops. Awkward. Cordell is surprised she can just tell. "Most people can." Yeah, you are the worst rancher's son ever. Then Cordell sees the fence is carved with a memorial to Hoyt. Aw.

He is also the sweetest thing.

So. Less drama than last week. More warmth. A ridiculous B story that was as annoying as giving Cas his own plot. Will I still watch next week? Yeah, probably. I have questions. How did Grandpa know they were alpacas? Where is the baby daddy? Can Cordell and his rancher father really not tell the difference between a male and female alpaca? Why is Geri riding the bus home, when her car is at the Walker's? Why is she avoiding the Walker Ranch? Will August ever get his own plot again?

It's just a shame that this episode didn't have any shout-outs to Supernatural, like the last one did...

[orange-waterfalls]

It's Not A Joke

Captain Magnum x gender neutral!reader

@sierracolorstheworldofwords ty for the request!

A/N: The ending was a bit rushed because I wanted to get it done before I went to sleep and it is almost midnight,,, so,,, uh Rated T for swearing. Magnum being an oblivious FUCK and reader getting tired of his bullshit. Fluff. Slight angst at some points. This one's a bit short, sorry. Enjoy!

Word Count: 1.9k

--

You stare at Captain Magnum and sigh. He was so wonderful… he was fun, handsome, not to mention tall…

It's really no surprise you have a crush on him.

Every single person on the crew knows of your little crush, and you know that they know. It was obvious! You'd always stutter around him, you blushed whenever he complimented you, and you did everything he asked of you immediately and without question. Everyone knows.

Except, of course, the captain himself.

Everyone was surprised he didn't know, including you. You thought you were being pretty open about it. Granted, you hadn't actually told him yet, but he probably should've figured it out by now. For a pirate captain, he was pretty dumb.

"Really? Again?" Magnum's previous first mate asks. You'd started talking to him after you were made first mate, and you two got along. You both could complain about the captain to each other. You also learned his name was First Mate John. Well… just John now. You'd have to help him come up with a pirate name soon. You were a pretty shy person, but you were less so around John. You felt like you could be comfortable around him.

"Yes, again. What else am I supposed to do?" You scoff.

"I dunno... tell 'im?"

"If he hasn't figured it out by now, I'm not sure I want to," you both laugh.

"Fair enough," he smirks, 'but are ye at least gonna drop some hints or somethin'?" You slowly turn your head towards him.

"What do you think I've been doing the last 3 months?" You joke. He snorts and pats your shoulder.

"Best o' luck t' ye, kid," he chuckles. You give him a small wave goodbye and go back to looking at Magnum. He stands up from his spot on the stair leading to the wheel and starts walking over to you. You go into a mini panic as your heart speeds up and you go back to mopping the floor.

"First Mate Y/N!" He booms. You flinch at the volume.

"H-Hi captain," you stutter, avoiding his gaze, "W-What can I do for you?" He sets a strong hand on your shoulder and you buckle under the strength, your face heating up.

"I was wonderin' if ye would like t' be in charge o' th' next lootin'," he explains, "Ye've been here a while 'n I reckon ye could do it." Your eyes widen and you look up at him. That was apparently a bad idea because you were unable to form actual words after that.

"We, uh… I do.. I mean I'd… um…" you sputter out. He looks at you worriedly.

"Ye alright? Ye look unwell…" he reaches out and feels your forehead. You almost instantly pull away from him. He frowns.

"Ye're burnin' up, mate! Are ye sick?" He gently sets a hand on your head. You duck away, dropping your mop.

"I'm fine!" Your voice cracks, "I'm perfectly okay I just uh… I need to rest a bit is all! Yeah…" you speedwalk to the cabin you share with John and shut the door.

Magnum stands in the middle of the deck, feeling very confused.

"That was strange," he said to himself, "I wonder wha' th' problem be…"

--

About half an hour passed and you were sitting in your bed, your face in your hands. You went over the interaction several times in your head, feeling the same amount of embarrassment and shame each and every time. John walks into your shared room, looking smug.

"I reckon that went well, don't ye?" He teases.

"Shut up…" you groan.

"If he didn' know ye liked 'im afore, he oughta know now."

"And if he doesn't, I'm throwing myself overboard." John laughs and sits on your bed. You peek at him through your fingers.

"Kid, I mean no offense towards th' cap'n, but he's a moron. At least when it comes t' feelin's," you snort in agreement. "Ye needs t' tell 'im directly if ye wants 'im t' know." You remove your hands from your face and sigh.

"Ok… I'll tell him…" you pause. "Later…" John smiles at you.

"There we go," he consoles. He thinks for a moment, wondering what could take your mind off things, before speaking again. "So, the other day, what were you saying about a heist?"

--

That night, you walk out of your cabin, your knees shaking. John had given you another pep talk, along with a couple other crewmates. You felt a little better, but it didn't really help with your anxiety. Your heart is beating so fast you were afraid it would stop. Your palms are oh so very sweaty, and your legs have gone numb at this point. You barely feel them carrying you over to the captain, who was at the wheel. You stand next to him for five minutes, waiting for him to notice you're there. Eventually, he does.

"Ah! First Mate!" He bellowd. You flinch. "Wha' can I do fer ye?" You take a deep breath in.

"I have something to tell you, captain," you say shakily. Neither of you say anything for a while, and you wonder if he heard you.

"Well? Go on then!" He instructs.

"R-Right… ok… um…" you stammer. You keep playing with a button on your shirt, trying to think of what to say. You can feel his eyes on you and it made you even more nervous. Why did you let them talk you into this? You weren't ready! You couldn't do this. You… you…

You look to the side and see John watching you from behind the mast. He gives you a thumbs up. You respond with a smile and he leaves, decided to let you do this on your own. You take a deep breath and…

"I like you, captain," you blurt out. Magnum doesn't respond and you get scared.

"Be that all?" He laughed, "well, I like ye too!" You blink and look up at him. His face didn't seem to change very much. You're about to smile, but pause.

"Captain… I don't think you understand me…"

"O' course I do! I be yer cap'n, ye're part o' me crew, o' course we like each other!" You stare at him.

"That's not what I meant,"

"Oh? 'n wha' did ye mean?"

"I meant…" you pause, wondering if you should just give up. No. You made it this far. Finish it. you command yourself.

"I meant I love you." You say. He looks at you, eyebrows furrowed. "Like… I'm in love with you." You continue, hoping he gets it. He's quiet for a moment before laughing.

"That's real funny, Y/N!" He chortles. You stare at him before letting out a laugh.

"Yeah. Ok. Sure. Yeah, of course. That's fine. I don't even care! That's fucking fantastic!" You grumble. He stops laughing and looks at you.

"That's some language… are ye ok?" He asks. You start walking back to your cabin.

"Yeah, I'm ok! Of course I'm ok! Why wouldn't I be ok?!" You yell and slam your door. Magnum stands there, wondering what just happened.

John opens the door a couple minutes later and walks in.

"Ahoy bud… Ye alright?" He asks gently.

"I don't want to talk about it," you growl.

"Aw, bud…"

"It's not even the fact that he doesn't like me! It's the fact that he laughed! Why would he do that?" You lamented. John set a hand on your shoulder. He's about to say something to try and make you feel better, but he stops.

"Wait… he laughed?" John asks.

"Yeah… why?"

"Would you mind telling him again tomorrow?"

"What? Why the hell would I do that?"

"I want to test something. Please?" He begs. You look at him and sigh.

"Fine… this better be good…"

--

You and the rest of the crew sit and tell stories. Most of the stories are coming from Magnum, but you're not really listening. He notices this and tries to tell more interesting stories, or stories that he thinks you'll find interesting. You still refuse to even look at him, so he lets other people talk.

"Tell him. Right now," John whispers. You sigh and turn to look at Magnum. He leans forward a bit, wanting to hear what you have to say.

"I love you, captain," you say confidently. The whole crew looks at you, and then at Magnum.

"You made that joke last night, Y/N," he laughs.

"It wasn't a joke," you say. His smile falls. The crew decides that it would be a good time to leave, and that's exactly what they do.

"Wha'?"

"It wasn't a joke."

"Wha' do ye mean?"

"I mean I do love you, captain. I'm in love with you. I would like to be in a relationship with you…" your face heats up and you start sweating. God, why were you saying this? Maybe this was the only way he'd understand…

You look up at him and see a confused look on his face. Oh, fuck it… you think.

"I want a relationship with you. I want to hug you and kiss you and hold you close. I want to make you smile and I want to be your shoulder to cry on if you need me to. I want to whisper sweet nothings to you as we fall asleep. I want you to let me love you." You explain, heart racing. Both of you are silent for a minute. You squeeze your eyes shut, waiting for rejection.

"Oh…" he says, uncharacteristically soft. "I… love ye too…" you look at him. He's looking at you, a slight blush on his face.

"You… you do?" He nods a bit. "Then why in the name of Davy Jones did you think it was a joke?!" You shout.

"I didn' know ye'd like me back! I thought ye liked John!"

"What do you mean you thought I liked John?"

"I mean I thought ye liked John!"

"WHY WOULD YOU THINK I LIKED JOHN?!"

"I DUNNO, YE SEEM COMFORTABLE AROUND 'IM, I THOUGHT THAT MEANT YE LIKED 'IM!"

"Oh my God…" you rub the bridge of your nose. "Why did you think I'm always so nervous around you?"

"I thought... y'know... ye found me intimidatin'..."

"Of course I find you intimidating that doesn't mean I don't like you."

"Oh…" He rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment. "Uh... Sorry I was so ignorant t' yer... Affection…" you chuckle at the apology.

"Sorry I didn't tell you sooner," you both sat there, just looking at each other.

"So uh… should we… should we kiss?" He asks nervously.

"Only if you want to. We don't ha-" you're cut off by his lips settling onto yours. You put your hands on his shoulders to keep you upright. He puts his hands on your neck, tilting your head to where he's comfortable.

"Awww!" Multiple voices say from behind you.

"Get a room!" John calls out. You pull away and bury your head in Magnum's shoulder, your face burning.

"Oi! If ye all aren't swabbin' th' deck in th' next five seconds, ye're walkin' th' plank!" He commands. The crew all scramble to get to work. You sigh and pull back to look at him.

"I'm… gonna go help them…" you murmur with a blush. He sighs.

"Ah, okay... We'll... Continue later," he states. You smile and walk away, grabbing your mop. As you mop, you glance at Magnum, seeing him watch you with a lovesick grin on his face. John, also holding a mop, slides up next to you.

"So, when's th' weddin'?"

"Shut up, you fuck!"

the ending is so obviously rushed I'm sorry lol

[mittensmorgul]

I'm shook. Dean actually admitted that Chuck doesn't care, that Chuck just left and ignored all of his responsibilities. I thought Dean was pro-Chuck, I mean, he called Chuck a bestie, didn't he? I'm not sure if he really resents Chuck or he was just too depressed to think straight. I'm still shook though. (Oh, and if you're feeling unwell I hope you recover. I wish you luck. May October be kind to you.)

Aahhh, thank you. :P And yeah, I’ve been sick since Walker-Stalker Philly a few weeks ago, stupid con crud that turned into bronchitis because I am a weakling with no immune system. :D

I’ve also been debating whether I should write tonight (fic, which I have a deadline of december 2 on and I’m not even close to finished on), or if I should write a long meta on Fathers, or if I should just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. But this bit about Chuck, and how Dean feels about Chuck as an absent father figure, would factor into that meta.

I mean Dean’s always held a grudge against God since… ever probably, but at least in text as far back as 5.02 when Cas set out in search of God to help stop the apocalypse. Chuck never really grew into anything Dean could really respect any more than that, you know? Even the burden Chuck laid on him at the end of s11 wasn’t what Dean wanted. Dean had his ENTIRE LIFE ruined because of Chuck’s inability to clean up his own mess, and then suddenly Dean fixes it FOR him, and Chuck just sashays off into the sunset with Amara and again lays the entire burden for taking care of EVERYTHING at Dean’s feet… but Dean’s still just a guy doing a job. He doesn’t have Cosmic God Powers to just fix stuff when it goes wrong. How the hell is he meant to take care of the entire world?

He does try, though. Oh, how he tries. Until it crushes and breaks him.

(and whoopsie this is actually shaping up to BE that meta on fathers I’ve been thinking about, so guess how I’m gonna spend the next hour! WHEEE! *tosses fic writing plans out the window*)

I’ll start with the easiest one: Dean referring to Chuck as his bestie. In 12.04:

Gail: Do you know God, gentlemen?Dean: Oh yeah. Yeah, we’re- we’re besties.

Said with about 9 tons of sarcasm. I’d find a gif to demonstrate just how done Dean was in that scene, but he was pretty much done with EVERYTHING in 12.04. I think that nicely sums up his attitude going into that conversation.

But yes, I 100% do feel like Dean resents Chuck– for laying this burden on him and not giving him ANYTHING else. He laid this out to Chuck’s face in 11.21:

Dean: Here’s the thing, um…Chuck… And I mean no disrespect. Um… I’m guessing you came back to help with the Darkness, and that’s great. That’s, you know – It’s fantastic. Um, but you’ve been gone a – a… long, long time. And there’s so much crap that has gone down on the Earth for thousands of years. I mean, plagues and wars, slaughters. And you were, I don’t know, writing books, going to fan conventions. Were you even aware, o-or did you just tune it out?Chuck: I was aware, Dean.Dean: But you did nothing. And, again, I-I’m not trying to piss you off. You know, I don’t want to turn into a pillar of salt.Chuck: I actually… didn’t do that.Dean: Okay. People – People pray to you. People build churches for you. They fight wars in your name, and you did nothing.Chuck: You’re frustrated. I get it. Believe me, I was hands-on – Real hands-on for, wow, ages. I was so sure if I kept stepping in, teaching, punishing, that these beautiful creatures that I created… would grow up. But it only stayed the same. And I saw that I needed to step away and let my baby find its way. Being overinvolved is no longer parenting. [Sighs] It’s enabling.Dean: But it didn’t get better.Chuck: Well, I’ve been mulling it over. And from where I sit, I think it has.Dean: Well, from where I sit, it feels like you left us and you’re trying to justify it.Chuck: I know you had a complicated upbringing, Dean, but don’t confuse me with your dad.

And that’s it, really. The crux of Dean’s feelings toward Chuck. And that never really changed. Dean still had to take the burden of sacrifice on HIMSELF (carrying the Soul Bomb to Amara) because Chuck didn’t or couldn’t or just wouldn’t. It wasn’t Chuck that saved the world there, it was Dean using his words with Amara, dragging Chuck kicking and screaming into the conversation.

Okay, not kicking and screaming, more like whimpering and huddling… whatever… :P

But Chuck told Dean not to confuse him with John, and mistake his own “complicated upbringing” for Chuck’s “parenting” of the entire universe. And yet… as above, so below. And Chuck himself “chose” Dean as his mirror.

Then we have Dean’s own complicated Father Issues, from how John raised him, to how he was forced to raise Sam. As he said in 12.22 to Mary, he was forced to not only be a father to Sam, but a mother as well. And it wasn’t fair to Dean, and he hated Mary for her deal that put him in that position in the first place. What was unsaid there, but plain as day anyway, was that he hated John for it, too.

Lizbob and I were talking earlier about how Jack was describing the fact that he WAS his mother for a while before he was born, and how the very act of his birth sucked the life out of Kelly, and how that was a horrifying metaphor for motherhood, but Dean has said it himself, of Sam. Back in 10.03, when Sam was curing him of being a demon:

DEAN: You notice I tried to get as far away from you as possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you! Maybe I was just … tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire since … [Dean laughs.] Forever. Or maybe … Maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life!SAM: This isn’t my brother talking.DEAN: You never had a brother! Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what: I quit.SAM: No. No, you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family! This family is all we have ever had!DEAN: Well, then, we got nothin’.SAM: Would you say that to Dad?DEAN: Dad? Oh, there’s a prize. There’s a man who brainwashed us into wasting our lives fighting his losing battle!

Sam’s “very existence sucked the life” out of Dean’s life, just like Jack literally did to his mother, just TWO EPISODES AFTER Dean broke through to Mary with his confession about the horrors of his life, and his anger over having to be both mother and father to Sam.

And this was about the point I hit my EUREKA! moment over why the idea of Dean being forced to be a parent to Jack just pushed every NOPE NOPE NOPE button in my entire body. Because he’s JUST NOW finally letting go of feeling like his entire life had been one long forced obligation to be a parent to Sam, and now here’s this new pseudo-manbaby with frightening and potentially Dangerous Magical Abilities who needs parenting and looking after that was foisted on him against his will AGAIN.

I mean, it’s like the ultimate in Cosmically Un-Fucking-Fair.

And even the notion that Cas should be responsible for “parenting” the giant nougat-loving nuke in lost-and-found clothes just… sits so wrong with me for the exact same reason. How long has Cas been a guardian to Dean? How big was the whole “You aren’t our babysitter” theme last season? That Cas never really had time to internalize before Jack hijacked Cas’s “babysitter” instincts for his own purposes?

Yes, it’s sweet and I can see that the parallels between Jack and Cas are being written really well so far, but the cutesy Cas-as-Jack’s-Daddy stuff just physically sickens me (which is saying something considering how physically sick I am as a baseline here…). I don’t think it’s “cute.” And I’m saying this as someone who LOVES Jack as a character.

Kelly (who was literally already “dead” at the point she met Cas, and was technically– according to Jack himself– already “Jack” at that point) had sized up Cas and decided that he would make a good guardian for Jack, and that Dagon would make a bad guardian for him, and took matters into her own hands in order to make that happen. Literally took Cas’s hand without his permission, after he’d declined to touch her stomach, and then forced his hand again after literally hijacking Baby and driving Cas to the scene of her “vision.” Then literally taking Cas’s hand again to force events to unfold as they had in the vision, without regard to any of the other horrors that played out as a result– such as Joshua having been killed by Dagon, the Colt being destroyed, Sam and Dean being hurt, Cas nearly getting killed, and then zapping enough power through Cas to kill Dagon, a being of a type we’ve only ever seen harmed by the Colt and the Lance of Michael. It was clear early on that Jack had Serious Power and yet we see he has practically NO CONTROL over it.

I am soooo tempted to apply a little bit of Miriam’s description of Becky to Jack… 

He sees something he wants and just takes it without a thought for who it might hurt. He took candy from the vending machine in 13.01, but… he kinda did that to Cas, too. Even before he was born, he saw the sort of devotion Cas had to the people he cared about and even if he didn’t understand WHY, he understood through Kelly that this was something he would need for himself. So he took it, even if it might hurt other people.

Just like he flung his power out at the sheriff when she touched him while he was being assaulted by angel radio. He didn’t intend to hurt her, but he was already in pain and frightened and that’s just how his power works for him right now… as if it’s “him but not him.” Almost like it’s an independent entity that’s in Extreme Self-Protection Mode.

That’s how Miriam described Dean, as someone who takes things and breaks things no matter who it hurts. But really… that’s not Dean, and that’s not Jack either– or at least not what Jack would CHOOSE to be. But from the outside, it kinda looks that way.

So, yeah, I LOVE the idea that Sam is finally getting a turn at forced parenthood from the other side of the equation. It fits beautifully with his own arc toward self-forgiveness and acceptance of his own powers and feelings of whether or not he was inherently evil because of what had been done to him as a baby. I LOVE the idea that Sam will get to experience being a father and mother to someone going through much the same things he did all his life (albeit as an adult, which was not a luxury Dean had when he was forced into a parental role at the age of almost five).

But for Dean? I’m horrified that this has been forced on him again. And for Cas? The fact it’s not something he chose of his own free will, nor gave informed consent to before he was sock-puppeted into becoming Jack’s babysitter… yeah, I find it moderately to seriously disturbing…

And for the sake little baby Jesus, I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT JACK IS EVIL. I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT JACK IS NOT “GOOD.” Good and evil are entirely irrelevant to this conversation.

But Jack’s power did something to Kelly. And it did something to Cas. It wasn’t done with malicious intent, but IT WAS DONE TO THEM. And it’s something that severely limited their free will. We’ve seen how Jack’s power works, without his active CHOICE to make stuff happen. He’s on a fight or flight sort of level with it right now, and it just happens to be set to overkill, you know? I’m sure he’ll get a better handle on it eventually, but I think it’s also going to be a vulnerability that others may try to exploit (enter Asmodeus, or potentially AU Michael, and possibly eventually Lucifer… this isn’t going to be an easy journey for Jack).

Anyway I think I’ve wandered so far off topic of your original question, but congrats, you won the Which Question Will Result In Actual Meta award this week! :P

I think it’s been more than an hour. *checks clock* *what even is time anymore* It’s definitely been more than an hour.