#maybe i should just trust myself
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confession the main reason i have not yet drawn a full body design for tango is bc i know in my soul that man has digitigrade legs but i’m scared of commitment
#see the thing is every *substitutional* animal feature (as opposed to additive ones) restricts certain types of body language#and i keep going ooough but what if i can’t depict [x emotion] properly bc of this ://#idk#maybe i should just trust myself#who am i to question the secret knowledge my brain gifts me without explanation#mumbling
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‘m relearning watercolors
#my art#oh boy art is hard#also the uhhh#the strength it took me to continue this#i kid u not when i started all this i was like#what the actual fuck is this#it looks absolutely stupid#and then i just added stuff and like#wow ok maybe it doesnt look as bad huh#watercolors are so tricky djfjfjfkfjf#but yeah im in my training era#trying hard to be patient and trust myself#to get thru the ugly phase when drawing#watercolor#man i tagged that too late but who cares#someone should tell me how to properly#scan drawings
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torn between not being able to trust goyim to not be antisemitc anymore unless they really prove me otherwise and going "I guess we'll get along" when they find out I'm Israeli and still treat me like a human being
#like i don't really trust you but as long as we don't talk about politics and i don't follow you outside of discord we should be fine#that being said i don't really use discord as much or make new online friends anymore#because i'm too scared that they will bring up politics or won't treat me like a human being#i mostly use discord to vc with my irl friends now but there are still some online friends i'll talk to once in a while#i'm not very active in fandom spaces anymore because of the antisemitism so ig that's why i don't interact as much#needless to say i do not feel safe online anymore#i don't think being treated with basic human decency on the internet should be a privilege but here we are#it's fucked up but i'm israeli so i don't count and also deserve it#no it's not xenophobic at all what are you talking about. israelis are just all heartless monsters it's ok to bully them into paranoia.#maybe i'd post less about leftist antisemitism if i didn't constantly feel like i have to defend myself and drive leftist antisemites away#maybe i'd post more fandom stuff if i wasn't afraid of drawing attention#gee imagine that#leftist antisemitism#antisemitism#jumblr#israblr#hila has spoken
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#i personally feel like it's somewhere in between#like sexuality and gender i think it's where you decide to choose what label your experiences/feelings fall under#it's decided between the two people in the relationship#like intimacy can exist in every kind of relationship and it's upsetting to hear people say it can only happen in romantic ones#if i were in a relationship with someone i trusted Who had an intimate relationship with someone else#if i really trusted that person i'd have no problem with it Unless it very clearly started to affect our relationship#i don't think i'd call myself a very jealous person#maybe a little envious but not jealous lol#i think restricting intimacy to one person isn't very. healthy? i don't know#like there should be other people too. support networks#we're a social animal yknow ?#it can't be possible for one person to fulfill every single need#that's an unhealthy expectation that can put a strain on many relationships i think#there's a reason spider webs are made from joined threads of silk#they don't dangle from a single piece They'd get blown away in the wind#reason why i bring this up now is bc i just discussed this with my parents who hold very traditional views#idk how i ended up being so different from them LMAO#thanks steven universe i guess!!!
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The feeling after watching a srk movie in 2023.
Pathaan had me all excited and amped up because adrenaline rush. Love my mission impossible flicks just for the fun of it.
Jawan had me restless because I just wanted it in my brain. I don't care what anyone says about it being a mixture of 10 films, I loved it and I'll always stand by it.
Dunki has me in a limbo. The joy of watching a movie is there but there's an underlying sadness that we don't see the actor srk this often, and I know he's good in all his works, but you understand that his stardom takes the front seat these days.
What comes next and when I don't know but I pray that he plays all these varieties as long as he can. Please just keep doing movies Shah. Please.
#srk#pathan#jawan#dunki#yup I'll be talking about dunki now#maybe I should just name myself another srk fan account#because that's probably what I do here these days anyway#and it's not my fault#man went away for far too long#and activated trust issues#I won't let him go again
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occasionally I have glimpses into both the teaching and the life of Maria once she calms down and is not fueled by panic and it’s very powerful
#this is soooooo egotistical but like. I think my teaching is so good I could do a lot less and it would be just as powerful maybe more so?#wait let me rephrase that a bit#I trust and hope that I will get to a point where I can be certain that I know my shit and can trust my process#and so I will be doing less straining#and also it will be less forcefully emotional? if that makes sense#teenagers are so receptive to emotion and so it’s sort of the readiest made instrument#but I actually think that if I am resting more in reality. the simple knowledge of my job#and trusting that it is enough#THEY will have all the emotions#maybe I’m wrong and I’ll always need that spark of passion to get them started#but tbh my deepest conviction is that it should be coming less from me#maybe by the time I’m 30 lol.#sorry I ALWAYS BE THINKING ABOUT THIS#this being myself#teaching tag
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i kind of cant believe how infrequently death note and hannibal are compared to eachother like the comparisons almost seem to obvious to me as to not be worth saying. maybe its cuz most of the intersection between the fandoms is nbc hannibal only and i feel like when u compare red dragon and silence of the lambs its a bit more obvious but like. yea. one post i saw someone comparing them was like "hmm there isnt anything rly like death note i mean hannibal's sorta close but hannibal is more abt blurring the line between investigator and killer" or something like that an i cant stop thinking abt it because like. thats SO insane to me like HOW is death note not abt that. again it might be more obvious when u also look at the musical as it makes the line blurring between L and light really explicit but like?? even in the show like?? ofc it feels a lot different because light is definitely a villain protagonist but L basically explicitly saying that the reason he can profile kira so easily is bcz he has a lot of traits in common with him? also the way they both think of other people as pawns and means to an end. like light keeping 50 or however many criminals just on reserve in case he needs to kill without having access to media. using criminals to experiment w what the death note can do. compared to L literally broadcasting a man dying on live tv in his stead to prove a point. also right before L died he was literally going to use the death note to execute a criminal to test if the death note rules were real. like these behaviors just do not seem unlike eachother at all. they both have insane egos and misguided faith in the criminal justice system. they r fucking mirror twins of eachother man like. at least to the extent that will and hannibal were if not more so
#also sry if this comes across as overly aggressive to the person expressing the original opinion thats not my intention#we r both engaging w art an thats awesome :]]]#i am just ridiculously fervently passionate abt my opinions#also was tempted to like. actually cite these an which episodes thes ehappen in but. i should probably go to bed fkgj#maybe later. i should double check these anyway#despite my obsession i cannot trust myself to have encyclopedic knowledge of death note#death note#hannibal
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Something about me is that. I'm just a teensy bit a control freak
#I should be sleeping but instead I'm staring at my tattoo design going ok buttt#waring with myself going I picked this artist for a reason bc I love her art and I trust her and I want someone elses art on my body#but also ugh idk if I'm 100% sold I just want to tweek it a bit. but is that rude?? artist to artist I don't want to offend her#but I do just want to adjust a few lines maybe
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does everything suck or is it just me being over dramatic
#The sk trauma deniers (myself are fighting a hard battle (against myself also)#Me when life altering events alter my life: 😰#Vague venting because everything sucks and my shoulder blades feel weird and I miss him#And I miss the way life used to be and I miss being happy and I miss being safe#And I miss a lot of things and I hate a lot of things and I miss a lot of things that I hate#Struggling and I feel like there’s a lot of things I’m feeling that I don’t acknowledge out of the subconscious#(Example: very upsetting part of my dream in which I saw my ex. Clear as day. It was so awful I wanted to cry)#Everything sucks im going to sleep and maybe feel better in the morning for a little and then collapse into tears again#Killing myself party is back on actually. I miss the person I was I miss my sister I miss my family#Everything is different now and I wish what happened never happened even if I refuse to acknowledge it happened sometimes#I just miss. A lot. I wish I could just shut off all of this#Vent#I’m fine just tired and feel like everything is crashing …..and I’ve been thinking about one thing my dad said#“Not to encourage your little relationship” ?????? I have never felt more like shit#I know I haven’t given a reason for my parents to like the people I’ve dated but the one time I date a guy who is genuinely so kind#And they’ve been hearing about him for over a year and they’ve even met him they still don’t want to trust me#It’s utterly awful that I feel like I’m improving for him rather than for my family#I should want to improve for both. But it’s so demotivating. I do it for him#Ugh….vent over I hate this shit
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ahhhhhhhh guess who made the mistake of getting a haircut
#i was planning on growing it out for real i swear#but then the back of my hair got to that length (like it always does) where it starts touching the back of my neck wrong and i cant stand it#so i figured I'd juuuuuust get a trim maybe only the back so it wouldn't keep bugging me#and it started off pretty good too she was doing well with everything and i liked the way it looked#then she asked me a question with two options. and i answered the question. and she repeated my answer. good enough right?#well i think she maaaay have forgotten my answer in the span of like 2 seconds bc she started cutting SUPER short suddenly#and now my perm is completely gone lol#i think she's used to going a bit shorter so it looks good in like a week when it's grown out a bit#and you don't have to go back for a haircut every 2 weeks#but like. i would rather not hate my reflection (more than usual) for a week or two while it grows out yknow#eurghhhh it's not that bad tbh ive had haircuts where i wanted to kill myself and this is just 'hmm maybe i should wear a hat for a week'#but still. very annoying. and especially so bc i was actually feeling optimistic with where we were going at the start#anyway there's this weird phenomenon that keeps happening where I accidentally get my hair cut too short#then i decide this is going to be the time i finally grow my hair out for real#and after a while the back reaches that length where it starts bothering me again#and ill get a haircut juuust for a trim#then i somehow end up with a bowlcut#it's an emo bowlcut to be clear. so im not super hung up about it bc i still love that haircut for reasons i cannot comprehend#but everybody else seems to go 'ew a bowlcut why' except for the alt queers who go 'omg gender'#which i consider to be one of the biggest compliments i could ever get. and have gotten. seriously that moment will never leave my mind#like having someone that you consider Gender to look at you and say *you're* very gender? my crops have been watered my cattle have been fed#etc etc. anyway this currently has the shape of a bowl cut but it's too short esp on top#so im back in my 'okay im gonna grow it our FOR REAL this time' phase again. as it goes. like fucking sisyphus.#anyway. im gonna be tearing it up in the pit at origami angel tomorrow so if anybody's also going feel free to join me there#just gotta let off some steam. goddammit i knew i should have gone the queer route and just done it myself. in my defense i still had a perm#and i didn't trust myself to cut curly hair. turns out i shouldn't have trusted the barber either bc she just held it straight out#and chopped right across. and soon the curls were gone and everything was straight. ...that sounds like a metaphor for conversion therapy#'yeah just head into that place by the time you leave you'll be straight'#anyway. sorry for the waterfall of tags if ur still here kudos to you and may you have a wonderful day#mine
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for lent i'm also giving up wasting emotional energy on people who have shown me time and time again that i'm not a priority for them.
#and you know what#i might not like myself that much a lot of the time#but at this point in my life i do care about myself enough to say that i do in fact deserve that people who (allegedly)#care about me also show me that. and behave in a way that matches their words#and if they don't or don't want to. well. downgrade to acquaintance it is. don't expect me to open up to you ever again#and don't expect me to still be your agony aunt whenever it's convenient for ya✌️#ugh but it's such a fine line to walk esp when everyone in this scenario is somewhat neurodivergent#i know people are depressed and anxious and exhausted and overworked and burned out. and i do understand the urge to self-isolate#trust me i do. but it also hurts to see that they usually still find the time and energy to interact with other people. never with me.#and i'm sure there are valid reasons for that. and maybe i should be more understanding. but it also just hurts#and it triggers a lot of insecurities (maybe i'm overall just a draining person and not fun to be around blablabla)#and i know that's mostly a me problem but also friends should not make me feel that way#personal#delete later
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wanted to go to the gym social tn but as I was getting my stuff together to go out, a friend said smth that rly pissed me off and now I'm too fucking angry to go out. fucks sake man
#fucking hate ppl commenting on my 'self control' for being sober bc I get it all the fucking time and its so patronising !!!!!!#even if its not intended that way. dont care didnt fucking ask. especially from someone im friends with#but whatever i should know better than to expect ppl to know me#maybe other ppl need discipline to stay sober but i dont bc the alternative is a non option and always has been. not that hard for me#and i have my own self control struggles w other shit man like im not pristine and perfect fuck off. you only dont know abt the#shit i actually fucking struggle with bc i dont know or trust u well enough for that.#and i HATE when ppl fucking imply im susceptible to peer pressure. im not. dont fucking overestimate your influence#ppl act like shit is a choice like actually i have a trauma rooted fear that comes from ppl in my family dying of substance abuse thanks 👍#which i dont expect strangers to know. but my friends should fucking know that!!! but i guess its not worth remembering#whatever it doesnt matter im prolly upset for other reasons im going to go out for a walk to calm down i cant be at home right now#even more fucking annoyed that im missing the gym over this. i shouldve been there an hour ago.#i mean i could still go maybe the cycle ride would stop me feeling mad and blowing everyone up once im there. i doubt it tho#UGH. fucking whatever. whatever whatever whatever. sorry for ventposting i was typing out a longass reply#but its not gonna fucking do anything except come across needlessly aggressive and ruin the conversation#even if i really really want to be needlessly aggressive. and ruin the conversation. but i guess i have the self control to not. lmfao#what if i just killed myself. anyway i think im gonna go get some shitty fast food on this walk and watch a horror movie when im back#.vent
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SLO'S DYNAMIC GALORE!
EVENT . everyone is like a lego piece: despite being of different shapes and sizes, we have commonalities that allow us to connect with others. so the question is... if you want achieve a certain structure, who would be your best choice?
after finishing a gift for my friend (who i did an anon analysis for, and you can receive an anon analysis from @paimonial-rage), i thought it'll be cool to try a different approach.
in this event, you are to send me a description of your personality and one dynamic (see under the cut). i will give you a genshin character that fits the dynamic with you, and if inspired, might propose some tropes. please read more under the cut for terms and formatting of your ask.
dynamics
complementary opposites (you lack something i have; i lack something you have)
surface opposites (we may seem like we're different but upon learning more about the other we are actually pretty similar)
peas in a pod (we understand each other fundamentally. we're not exactly mirrors but i know you as i know myself and vise versa)
(adapted from this post, if you're curious).
terms
i am opening 3 slots, preferably 1 per dynamic. this is because i do not want to overwhelm myself as this is quite new. more slots may open in the future!
friends can freely submit. the 3 slots does not include them.
submission period is from 28 feb to 4 march. i will announce which are the asks i'll be writing for after the submission period.
please give me a month or more to write this as i am swarmed with other responsibilities and work.
asks that do not follow the format will not be entertained. see below.
accepted: @andromeda-nova-writing + @yoiieczwhynot
formatting of your ask
it's simple. please just include a description of yourself, preferably paragraphs long, and your ONE dynamic.
some things that you can include (you don't need to include everything):
your personality (i.e. how you react to certain situations, what are your values)
interests and why you like them
what you think are your strengths / weaknesses
what other people say are your strengths / weaknesses
traits that you aspire to have / who do you want to be?
traits that you currently have / who are you currently?
what not to give:
your sexuality (my reply focuses on dynamics, not romantic pairings)
your physical appearance (keep ur privacy hahaha)
your age or pronouns (does not affect your match at all. save that space for things that matters please)
anything too traumatic (please do not trauma dump)
MBTI / enneagram / horoscope, etc... (i won't use it anyways)
#genshin x reader#genshin impact x y/n#genshin impact x you#genshin reader insert#genshin impact x reader#.e#maybe i should make some kind of tag for these things but the thing is i never expected myself to even start one#tbh the reason why i am only opening 3 slots is bc i dont trust myself LOL#what if i get so many and then i dont do them LOL#so far from my record i only have the stamina for abt 3 and then i sort of die off#if no one joins that'll be nice i'll just save this idea for next time hahha
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it's probably the sunnier weather that's doing stuff to my brain to make me more optimistic but it's so interesting having a brain that craves a lot of self-fulfillment to the point where I can move past some hang-ups around perfection by going "oh I really wanna do that though" and then I do it well because researching how to do it right is also a rewarding part of the process
#it comes with the double edged sword of dropping projects as soon as they become a bit more involved/difficult#or when they don't feel fulfilling#but maybe it's better to take a break and come back to something with new knowledge ?#maybe it's good that my brain has a built in 'if it sucks hit da bricks' function ?#i just wish that i had more stamina for these things when they start lacking intrinsic rewards#it just feels like compared to my other family members i lose steam very very quickly and since we all have the same disorder i should be-#- 'just as capable'... but honest to god my under-activity feels SO severe#it honestly feels like compared to others my threshold for mental exhaustion is half the normal benchmark it should be#you know how there were studies done that found that 4 hours is the maximum amount of time people can work before a decline in efficiency?#i swear to god when the activity is something i have no internal reward for it takes 1-2 hours for that decline to start. and my brain -#- crashes HARD. my eyes start to glaze over. i start forgetting how to speak. my brain starts acting like it's 2-3 am and that i need to -#- sleep. i don't push myself not because i coddle myself but because i perform WAY worse. my work becomes unintelligible#or if it's some other kind of task (such as cleaning) my brain desperately tries to take shortcuts in order to get it done#i am trying to avoid a situation where i have to fix up the shitty job i did after the fact!#it's just kind of crazy to me how this is viewed as laziness LOL 'you did a bad job!' because i was pushed past my limit!#not to mention... i get burned out for DAYS if i push myself too hard. i am trying to conserve my efficiency#if you want me to do a better job... i need more time. and trust me: i'll do an excellent job if you let me rest#i am a very smart and capable person who cares about doing a good job - and i have a fine eye for smaller details as well#the trade-off here is i'll need some time to find joy and fulfillment somewhere else for a little bit while i rest. let me excel ok?#idk where this high self esteem came from other than like. realizing i wrote an entire research proposal in such short time#while receiving positive feedback with very few notes for improvement. i just sat down an added another section today based on -#-feedback and realized like 'wait. i know what i'm doing and i probably care about this far more than the average classmate'#i've been having a lot of thoughts lately and i sort of want to get to the bottom of how i have a difficult time coping w/ burnout#and i also want to figure out how to offset the costs of the stuff i need to do... it's a process
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You know those rats in the studies where they’re trapped and not given any way to get out while subjected to negative stimuli and they start feeling helpless. And then they’re put in a situation where they actually have some power and can pull a lever or press a button but they still feel helpless and don’t even try.
That’s me
#when your childhood of abuse and neglect continued into your mid-20’s….#maybe this year when I turn fucking THIRTY I’ll finally feel like I can change things in my life?#maybe? idfk….. never thought I’d get this far man#I always thought I’d kill myself before this#i don’t even know where to start. I don’t know HOW.#I’m still too afraid of doing the wrong thing#always paralyzed by fear. always sure that I will fail. that even success will feel like failure#decades of being told ‘this will make you happy’ and then doing it and not being happy. it’s hard to trust my instincts#what is really what *I* want and what is what everyone else thinks I should want?#which voice in my head is mine and which is just parroting my mother? telling me I’m unwanted. that I’m weak and stupid and unreliable
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About the random chest that flashes over MK in the memory scroll:
I‘m pretty sure it‘s Azure. You can see the tips of his two… loose ponytails? (The hair that frames his face anyway) hanging down from his shoulders. Later, in his emperor form, we can also see he has the defined musculature.
And since Wukong was reliving all of his regrets in the scroll, the biggest ones flashing on the screen in that scene, one after another, it would make sense for Azure to appear.
Both because Wukong betrayed the brotherhood and lost his friends, and also because- well, Azure was the main antagonist of the season. It would make sense for him to be of importance for Wukong in this scenario especially.
I can‘t believe you failed to identify one of your favorite characters by chest alone. Smh. Fake fan, I think I have to unfollow 😔
(/j)
So. I had typed out this whole answer pointing out how absolutely shredded the silhouette was compared to every character in the show, and then I had this really good point, like (quoting my og post):
"And it's not that you're wrong, it would make complete sense for Azure to appear as part of the memory flashes—but then why not show his face? Why not make it obvious that it's Azure? Why be this weird about it, and have it framed so that when it fades it reveals MK? You gotta think why the writers and storyboarders would make those kinda decisions."
But then. But then I realized anon.
There's a line. Like Azure's fur color line
BUT HERE'S THE OTHER THING ANON. AZURE'S PAST OUTFIT (Presumably what he would have been wearing when this memory took place) IS ALSO DIFFERENT:
So I legitimately don't know. At the end of my og post, I had written a pretty funny joke: "Anon don't challenge my ability to identify my lego characters by chest alone ever again", but you were right to. I have no clue who this silhouette's identity is. I can't identify them off of pecs alone. Is it Azure? Maybe! Is it MK? Maybe! (Like, the fact that we get the pecs flash, and then later MK is revealed to have a war form that he has had NO prior training in makes me question some things. Like most of his abilities MK's learned to use, he just does it, and it's all weird.) Like:
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
#I can not believe I just went around through eps taking pictures of lego pecs#Like god. What a wacky situation to find myself in#A little bit unhinged on the blog today#If the chest is Azure why is he so fucking ripped there#Like what is going on#And if it's Azure then. Then ''Yet you insist on learning the hard way just as I did. I should have NEVER trusted the Monkey King!''#then this is a MK and Azure foils moment which is based#But I literally have no idea!!!!!#THIS IS LIKE A SECRET 3RD MEMORY.#LIKE MY POINTS ABOUT NOT SHOWING HIS FACE STILL STAND.#SO LIKE. WHAT#Maybe there was something that happened between them post Camel Ridge fight but pre Azure being sealed in the scroll#Where an outfit change occurred#*puts gun up to lmk crew's head* Show me the storyboards so I can figure out what the fuck you were intending#lmk#lego monkie kid#asks#lmk crack#to me#lmk Azure Lion#lmk MK
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