#maybe i just need to be friends with another narcissist. so i dont have to fucking mask anymore. only concern is if i'm actually being

[kindnessoverperfection]

wild how the more i'm working on recovery. the more i realize how fucking bad i miss her.

[weebsinstash]

I want yandere Alastor being the biggest fucking hypocrite on the block and getting painfully humbled by reality so fucking bad you don't understand

I want a story where you stumble into becoming his friend with benefits, become the person who gets him interested in sex as a physical activity, and then one day you ask him "hey, what are we?" And his response being ABSOLUTELY RUDE AS HELL, albeit unintentionally, and you immediately cut him off from sex because his reply was basically the equivalent of "you're fun to sleep with, but the rest of you? No :)" (and also maybe he didn't even fully mean it, maybe he only partially meant it but he can tell he's forming some kind of new emotion for you and he doesn't want that to become a point of weakness for him so he's pushing you away but once you're actually gone he wants you back more than ANYTHING--)

I want yandere Alastor who laughs in your face if you nervously ask him if you're his girlfriend or something but then when you show up around town with another man less than a week later and he sees how easily you REPLACED HIM, he's just absolutely losing his mind. What do you MEAN you were still sleeping with other men this whole time?!?! The Radio Demon was getting SLOPPY SECONDS??? WHY would you let these-these disgusting bastards DEGRADE YOU-- meanwhile you and him could've been having like hardcore bdsm sex with actual degradation or some semi respectful form of it and he's STILL over here "B B BUT THESE MEN PROBABLY DONT EVEN RESPECT YOU--" and neither did you, you laughed in my fucking face you bitch!!!

yandere Alastor just having to sit and have a fulllll glass of whiskey and ruminate on his thoughts as he tries to come to terms with these sudden EXTREMELY POSSESSIVE feelings and urges he has. What do you MEAN he wasn't providing anything for you that you couldn't get somewhere else AND BETTER AND ALREADY HAVE BEEN? what do you MEAN you're making gifts for and going out and having actual fun dates with some of these men? What do you fucking MEAN YOU'RE 'ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE NOW' AND WOULDN'T SLEEP WITH ALASTOR EVEN IF HE APOLOGIZED BECAUSE YOU REALLY LIKE THIS GUY--

Alastor hardcore coping, trying not to think about you at all, telling himself he just needs time and this'll all blow over and he wont even think about you anymore, and eventually finds his feet carrying him to your favorite jazz club that he would take you to, AND YOU'RE ALREADY THERE WITH ANOTHER MAN. Now THIS is what causes Alastor to finally have a public episode. No, some RANDO can't come with you HERE, this is YOUR place, OUR place, it's special, it's for Alastor and you ONLY!! basically turns him into a little kid stomping his foot going no no no that's MINE!!!

This narcissistic ass man really ain't shit, over here responding to your actually extremely valid question of "what are we?" because you were actually trying to respectfully ask him if there were any certain boundaries or if you were now exclusive, and he hits you with some deflective dehumanizing diversion like "what makes you think I would have THOSE kinds of feelings about YOU?" until he's painfully aware you're sleeping with another man, kissing another man, making hot meals for another man, holding his hand tenderly as you take a leisurely stroll, GOD FORBID HE CATCHES WIND OF ANY MARRIAGE TALK, HE WILL FUCKING L O S E IT

Juat the idea of him being so close to having what he wants - your body, heart, AND mind- and he fucks it up big time and ruins your relationship and self esteem so badly. He tries to pretend that he doesn't need your attention and/or affection but the second he doesn't have EITHER, he's a jealous mess trying to literally one-up whomever you're with, show off, impress you, usually digging his hole even deeper. Alastor becoming more unpredictable over time, literally losing sleep over you, absolutely CONVINCED 500% that all of these, shall we say, "more modern men" that you're choosing are not even worth the dirt in the treads of your shoes.

Just twirling my hair kicking my feet thinking bout yandere Alastor, becoming dead-set on genuinely and fully believing he has to save you not just from these men, but also yourself. Oh honey, he's so sorry, CLEARLY this is his fault for not watching over you better. He already knew you were... delicate and naive, but here you are, running around letting these men treat you like some kind of object just because you need what you perceive as acceptance and validation. It almost breaks his heart, truly, but don't worry darlin'! He's a southern gentleman and, SURELY he can turn up the charm and make it clear to you that you MISUNDERSTOOD HIM, right? :) You're going to GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, right? :)

genuinely, i feel like this man is more likely to try and gaslight you into believing you completely misinterpreted what he said instead of just apologizing let alone ADMITTING that he himself didn't communicate jack shit about shit, wasn't honest or up front about his feelings, and may have even be intentionally cruel to you in a moment of weakness to try and keep his own insecurities at bay, but then is fully capable of convincing, some may even say BRAINWASHING you into believing, oh sweetie, if these DEGENERATE DELIQUENTS somehow convinced you that your best friend and future husband is somehow your enemy, then, CLEARLY he hasn't been keeping you close enough to properly care for you and help you keep a clear head, has he? guess it's a good thing both of you are Sinners and he has NOTHING but time to show you EXACTLY what his intentions are. So, dear doe, which do you like the sound of more: a spring wedding, or a summer wedding, or maaaaaybe you two could even get hitched during some lovely acid rain so your new spouse can demonically laugh at all your screaming "gentleman callers" captive in the wedding audience who "accidentally" weren't put under any gazebos or any sort of protection while being forced to watch Alastor take you away--

[compassionatereminders]

Do you have any tips on how I can stop victim blaming?

That sounds really bad, but im assuming that's what it is. I love my best friend. She's like a sister to me. She's married to someone who is not good. In her words, He is financially abusive, a narcissist, and emotionally abusive. Her inlaws may or may not be worse. They have kids together.

I understand it's hard, and there is a cycle of abuse. He has never laid a hand on her. But he won't let her get a job (has even canceled the applications she put in and got accepted for, they have one bank account, he tells her to get groceries and she does and then he yells that she spent too much but he can spend over 100 on one item for himself). She feels she has no way out because she has no money.

She has asked me if she can stay with me. I told her absolutely. That was a week ago, and I know she was locating important documents.

And now she is staying. She is saying he's amazing again and how it was all in her head and she's getting therapy to help with her anxiety (but he refuses to do couples therapy because, and I quote "you're the crazy one who needs anti-anxiety medication" and that isnt a paraphrase i was sitting next to her when he said it).

I care for her and I dont want this to continue but I know its her choice. I feel stuck because it's a terrible thing and I cant help. I also am frustrated with and for her. I dont want to be mad or victim blame her, cause I've been in an abusive relationship before. And maybe thats why I want her to get out so bad? Idk do you have any tips?

Let her know that you want to support her in leaving, but don't push her before she's ready. Don't be another force in her life trying to make decisions on her behalf. Just let her know that what she's going through is abusive and wrong and that you'll do everything you can when she's ready. And in the meantime, just try to be a good, supportive friend so that she's reminded that not everyone in her life are trying to control and manipulate her choices without her consent

[plushipaws]

I don't think im meant to host. Once our system found alastor (and kinda rebuilt him from the three alters he split into) he has been fronting most of the time and it felt natrual. I became his advisor the way other alters are usually mine. A lot of childhood memories are his. Sometimes hosts do just change over time but as soon as he started doing it again it was like. Oh thank god this is how it was meant to be.

I do think I have existed a long time and fronted even as a child but I think it was mostly him and I would advise him from the back seat the way many alters have done to me later. I think I was created for the advisor role and just had to become the host bc Alastor has very strong NPD and BPD traits (so i beleive whole system is NPD and BPD) that I was good at masking and we had to mask it. I think thats why plushi especially is kinda entirely preoccupied with being cute, non threatening, friendly, and not having needs of its own and existing to always be happy. Creature is focused on being a empathetic listener, helpful and solve peoples problems, and holding depression. We always felt like... kind of empty like, something missing, we should have more personality. I think we are smaller fragments and more specific role focused than we thought, oriented to survive abuse situations. We felt missing a person who we should be, and I think that was us subconsciously missing Alastor hosting.

Trauma caused Alastor him to split into more alters (he still is not a fusion of everyone he was but I think the others are ok being seperate and he likes how he is now) so we couldnt really find him until healing allow him to come together again, and the situation is safe enough I dont need to protect him anymore. We also accept our NPD and BPD and know how to cope with it enough to let him out and allow him to express symptoms in healthy ways.

Im still an active alter and will be around, though the two alters I am (i am a subsystem) switch who is awake more and my personality shifts depending on that, and its not been super plushi lately so it feels weird having this be our main, lol. But plushi will definitely be back, it was a lot of fun being paw and I know paw is still here. Just weird to go from plushi hosting to. There hasnt been a plushi around these parts in 30 days :0

We hope our friends and mutuals will like Alastor too since he will be fronting mostly and we will be around less as we switch to him hosting. He doesn't act quite like me though since I exist basically to hide him so if you don't we understand; he is a lot more openly narcissistic and low empathy which we know not everyone vibes with. (Hes also very openly flirty and kinky which may also put folks off but he understands boundaries and is Normal about them). Though we think we will be a prominent alter and still avalible often, but we don't want to host anymore. We did it for years and we weren't supposed to have to.

Don't worry we aren't going anywhere! We still front often but it used to be like... us usually and then maybe for 3 days tops another alter comes before defaulting to us, and now we may come for three days tops and default to Alastor. And my system members can post and talk online when awake even if not fronting. But Alastor's blog is definitely the most active hub for us rn.

Alastor is @radiostaticsmile

Thanks for reading

[thehopelessexception]

i wrote this some weeks ago at the train station while waiting for its arrival and it's nothing but i wanted to share

there's this thing i think it's happening to me. life is passing by in front of my eyes and i am so stuck. and it's not that i dont try it's because everything around me is pushing me to stay quiet and not move forward. yeah i know that's the "not my fault!! the universe hates me!!" card. it's lame. it's repetitive. it's making an excuse.

but i dont know how else to feel like. i am really trying guys i promise i am doing everything i can to have the life i wish i had, or wish to feel i have, for that matter. somehow the tree is short in fruits for me. and it's getting really hard to not believe that i don't have a solution. maybe im not made for living the life i want. maybe im not made for wishing and having ambition. maybe fate is just a lie after all and i am not build for great things. maybe they were right in calling me a loser because im staying that way forever.

and people always say time will come everything around! you're too young the future is bright!! and i really want to believe it, you know.

my best friend stopped answering my texts 5 months ago without reason. i guess we grew tired of each other. she absolutely did. i stillf need her but there's nothing i can do about it.

the closer next, moved abroad to another continent.

my other friends hang out with each other and lie to me about it to not make me feel sad because if not i feel unwanted, i always know either way. thats a paradox there.

i have a male friend too he's fun and nice but kind of a narcissist, he doesn't really care about how i feel, he's a boy.

i feel like im losing it. it's also true im on my pms too.

recession is ruining my life, every job i apply i get the moving forward with other candidate email. and im about to graduate!! sometimes i understand the guy from columbine when i think about the offices of linkedin.

this week i didn't attend classes because i simply forgot the day i was in. i realized today when i asked my groupchat about it. it's been almost a year since im living outside of reality i dont even remember what it felt like. im floating all the time, and there's no time whatsoever, it's nonexistent, i don't feel im real anymore but i try to keep going. fake it till you make it! right? (it's not working). im also losing confidence in myself im feeling ugly dumb unwanted and sad. and the days fly by while i think i can't allow my frontal lobe to fully develop until i come back to my own self. i can't stay like this forever i feel like cinderella but instead of losing a shoe at midnight i get scrambled eggs for brain at 25.

[mugleric]

Never stop investing in your looks. 💅🏼

We all know a friend who, after getting into a relationship, started letting herself go, stopped wearing makeup, stop getting dressed up etc.

Many women get into relationships and fall for the “baby i like you just the way you are, i love you with no makeup on, you don’t need the make up and the nails and the facials”.

Here’s why you should never stop taking care of yourself during a relationship.

1. remember “a woman being pretty is like a man being rich”, our society is superficial and your looks, wether you like it or not, are an asset in society, pretty privilege is real!

2. remember, men lie! they might say they dont like makeup and nails, but when they cheat? who do they cheat with? girls with that exact description.

In fact, no need for cheating, who do these men follow on instagram? it’s always the instagram models and IG baddies who hve their maakeup and hair done at all times.

Now let’s roll back the tape,

When your man first approached you there’s a 100% chance you were dressed well, with makeup on and hair done.

Yet why do they suddenly want you to change your look when you get with them?

it’s a manipulation tactic.

And no, it’s not because they think you’re oh so beautiful without makeup, most insecure men who score a beautiful girlfriend feel the need to keep her by their side by humbling her and limiting her options.

If you walk out the door looking good every day, your man knows he has to come correct, he knows you can pull other men so if he slacks on the dinner dates and flowers and romance, you can easily replace him.

When you go outside looking good without your man, he has no control over what happens in his absence, maybe a man will offer you a coffee, maybe another will offer to help with pumping gas, maybe another with will ask for your number.

Your man is completely out of control, and so if he wants to keep you he can either:

1. be a good partner and treat you well and honor you so you never have to look at other men.

2. the insecure approach would be to get you to change your look so your confidence is lowered and your options are limited.

Your man knows nobody’s checking for you if you’re leaving the house in sweats and a bonnet, and that’s a relief for him.

Manipulating you into taking less care of yourself is the first step of a series of narcissistic manipulation and abuse, when you’re confidence is chipped away, and you feel like you run out of options or are undesirable, that opens the way for him to treat you in a shitty way, and he knows you won’t leave, cause now he got you cornered and you feel so undesirable, being with someone as shitty as him feels like a privilege.

See how the manipulation happens?!

There’s a reason why women glow up so much after a breakup, they lose weight and they look better than ever before!!!!

If your looks get progressively worse as you enter a relationships, that’s a red flag baby.

STAY WOKE!!!

CR: glowdiamond

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, reading your posts made me realize I’m likely an INFJ in a terrible loop. For the last 6 months i’ve been reading about mbti I thought I was INTJ, and every test i tried said it too, but i didnt and still don’t understand Fe vs Te, even after reading your posts. But INFJ in a loop sounds a lot like me. So let’s go with that.

My auxiliary function is suffering. When I’m outside I have this tendency to observe people, the room, their behavior and enjoy dwelling in it, as if I’m reading a novel. It bothers me when someone says or acts rude, when a man bothers a woman like a creep.

In my head i’m so criticizing of other people. And if i’m not criticizing, im acting as if i can read everything about another person. I know this sounds horrible and very narcissistic, but i want to be honest to fix myself. And I know i’m doing this overthinking in social situations to defend myself by acting as if im superior.

But i just observe, i never interact. I havent talked to a single person in my class in university, since im a few years older (24 in a room of 21yo people). Even though i know if i want to socialize thats the right place. I start thinking: if i talk to them, they will get to know me, they will find that i failed or that i dont have a lot of my shit together, and then i will be judged. So why bother. And i know that its so flimsy and stupid. I only made one friend in my old uni before changing courses.

This is not only at university btw. I dont go out in the evenings, or try to meet new people, because i literally have no fucking idea of how to do it without looking like a misfit. My old friends are all very distant now, and while I know many people everything I never really dated, and while i have this insane void of emotional intimacy, i keep rationalising every attempt of experiencing life. I live in a shell.

And the fact i haven’t dated and i’m 24, is so scary. I’m not even ugly or that uninteresting or without hobbies, because people told me the opposite many times, but i dont know why i cant come out of my shell. This is not only about dating, but in general. Im always distant emotionally and end up thinking about it instead of living it. Because im a grown man scared of being judged for my smiles,tears and my love.

I think i have some trauma issues from my teens, when i talked to a girl on facebook for 2 years listening to her problems because i liked her, without ever approaching her irl (because i was a scared teenager idk why). It was a one way thing. I was basically her diary in human form. When i told her my feelings it was too late. After that i ended in a 1 yr depression, and it definitely marked me as a person. I never really opened myself emotionally with anyone else after. Maybe this is not even trauma, it actually feels demeaning to call it as such when other people have suffered more.

This post is a mess. Maybe im just overthinking, and you’ll probably read this and think i need therapy and/or im mistyped . But I really want to break these chains, and hearing an insight from someone who understand people very well could help.

------------------------

If I understand correctly, the main problem is you are closed off and unable to open up. It sounds like you are very afraid of socializing, most likely because you are afraid of being hurt by other people's negative judgments of you (it is a common problem related to unhealthy Fe). There are several factors that may be contributing to this problem:

- Low Self-Worth: You exhibit oversensitivity that arises from using other people's judgments to define your identity and/or determine your personal worth. If you're always worried about how you're being perceived, then you will of course feel anxious about interacting with anyone you're unsure about. This makes it very difficult to meet new people and expand your social circle.

- "Mindreading": You presume to know what others think, without any evidence, easily jumping straight to the worst case scenario. This is a defense mechanism that gives you a false sense of control, as though you're preparing yourself for the worst to happen. As such, you manage to talk yourself out of socializing, losing every opportunity to learn and grow socially.

- Unresolved Past: You've had negative relationship experiences in the past. When you don't resolve negative feelings, learn the right lessons from them, and consciously put the past behind you, you will take the past and project it into the future, expecting it to happen again. This means you are out of touch with reality because you never treat people as NEW people and give them the benefit of the doubt. You assume that people are out to hurt you and you build walls of protection, which conveniently prevents anyone from knowing you and getting close enough to want a relationship with you.

- Lack of Social Skills: It's hard to feel confident when you're incompetent. Even if you were to work up the courage to meet new people, it sounds like you would still lack the skills required to develop the relationship. Immature INFJs often suffer in relationships because of unrealistic ideas and/or unreasonable expectations, which is often related to faulty reasoning patterns (Ti loop). Social skills are called "skills" because anyone can learn and improve them. If you care about being a better version of yourself, you have to be honest about your deficits and apply yourself to learn the knowledge and skills that you need to move forward in life. See the recommended books on the resources page.

While it's possible to work on these issues on your own, it's the more difficult path to take. When you have a serious problem like social anxiety that prevents you from living the life you hope to live, then, yes, it is best to reach out for professional expertise and assistance. People aren't born knowing everything, so everyone needs help at some point and there is no shame in getting it. As long as you keep trying to convince yourself that your needs don't matter or that your problems aren't as serious or serious enough to warrant attention, you will continue to dig your own grave of unhappiness. How long do you want to go through life with these problems weighing you down and holding you back?

[herhours]

what ive learned from these last few years is that there have been a few people who have been really significant to me in ways that i honestly didnt even understand the depth of it - even if i consciously knew that they were important to me.

because i have a need for deep emotional connection (rather than shallow superficial connection - and when this is your need you know the difference) the people that i have ever been close with it was because we were really close. this makes me assume this works both ways, or more importantly, that if i feel a deep connection with someone its because they have one with me too. i dont really think it could be possible for ME to feel connected to someone unless they were connected to me. thats a strong claim to make, but i have to assume that is the case, because when i dont feel connected to someone it's literally because i don't feel it from them. and i am unwilling to doubt my ability to know whether the fuck or not i feel connected to someone. it's the same as being understood or not - i know when someone fucking understands what i'm saying and i know when they don't. it's not hard to tell when someone lacks empathy and the ability to truly connect. being able to know by feeling has nothing to do with anything else other than feeling.

so anyway i guess ive been kind of thinking about b a lot. 10 years knowing this kid, and suddenly deciding i was done with him, because it made sense of course. the connection in our relationship was no longer there, he was unwilling to continue to make the connections that kept us in each others' lives so long in the first place. and it was a waste of time for me to keep trying when the writing was on the wall. he stopped. i had to stop too. but i suppose i think of it from the other way around - i was not just in this myself all this time, over these years it was because it was something we both were doing. so i guess i question, whether me knowing this person was important to me because of the connection we had, is it possible that he didn't know it too? actually i know that it is, lol, i understand why people have that problem. but idk. i guess its just weird to think about.

im noticing when i keep thinking of people that i had a connection with and feeling unsure if they understood the extent of the connection i felt, it somehow seems to matter if they still think of me. i dont know how i feel about that, really. it just raises too many other questions - if we had a connection that was this meaningful to me why was it not that meaningful to you that im thinking of you and you arent thinking of me - but then what are the connections they have with others in their lives that they still think of and keep around, sort of thing. the answer is a lopsided connection, of course. i feel more deeply than others (especially narcissists, obviously). the entire point of dismissive attachment is to minimize feelings so obviously if your feelings are being belittled, made small, you will never truly love another person and they will never truly love you. it maybe doesn't require any further thought than that.

so probably, i guess, in wondering if people like b, and my first love, still think of me, im wondering if they are capable of being the humans that my emotions believed they could be. ugh, again, that raises a lot of annoying questions. people are capable of feeling your emotions and sparking with them but that doesn't mean they can keep it or that it matters the way it should or that they're able to hold on to the way it matters. vs people like a friend i had for a few years that i truly felt so much better about getting rid of, that i dont care what he thinks or feels at all because ultimately he doesn't fucking matter to me.

the crux is, he never did. i never felt that depth of emotion regarding this friend because he sucked so fucking much. so i circle back to the same question: is it possible to feel a depth of emotion for someone who isn't feeling it back? it is easy for me to tell when an emotional connection is lacking. and when i feel that from a person, i have the appropriate emotional distance there, because i know they are not feeling what i feel. even with fb, sometimes when we are together i can feel the emotion connection in the physical interactions we are having, but i know he does not feel that for me in a way that matters emotionally when i am not around. at the end of the day, i trust my feelings and know the truth of my feelings. i can literally TELL when i am not feeling that from another person and i dont need any logic or thought process to explain or debate about it. so i suppose the issue is that i inevitably would have to question the truth of it when i know it was there but the other person behaved in such a way as if it wasn't. and honestly i really shouldn't. i am well aware that people can and will and do deny their emotional truth, in ways that it is not evident in their actions. so honestly, it really isnt even that complicated.

so i suppose ultimately what the issue is is the disappointment and knowing you shared an emotional truth with a person, that they were unwilling to live. and in my case i know it was because they didn't value me enough, they devalued me, they valued something else despite the strength of the emotional truth. although that sucks i dont really give a fuck, because people are garbage. the larger pain is that you can have the real emotional connection with someone who doesn't actually respect you enough to value you as a person. why waste the fucking emotional connection on them?

10 years.

the way b has shown up in my mental health over these last few years was surprising - i actually really didn't know he mattered that much, even with granting acknowledgement that he mattered. so i think at this point rather than wondering if he thinks of me, i wonder if he knows how hard me cutting him off was a rejection of him. i care about that more than if he thinks about me.

[ventblockeddiary]

My life was already over before I was even born. And now I'm forced to live in a purgatory for however many depressing years I have left (r/offmychest)

Meant to post this on r/offmychest but ironically my post kept getting marked as spam and removed. Anyway.

This is probably going to be a really long post, and I dont really expect anyone to read it all the way through or anything, I think i just need to get this off my chest because i've been feeling this heavy crap for years but i dont think even once that i've sit down and ever wrote it out. and i think i want to, even if it wont help. and if i get dramatic with this im very sorry, it might be cringe lol but i tend to be very dramatic so just ignore that if you read it

I always knew I didn't belong to my immediate surroundings. I was never like my family, or even my bestest, closest friends. Everyone was so different to me. For context, even though I hate saying it out loud/admitting it to the world, I was unlucky enough to be born into an asian household (and not the better, superior asians, either. Im sure you understand what I mean.) and to make it worse, I was born under an abusive, narcissist man of "religion". (cult.)

I love God but He doesn't love me back. I don't blame Him either, I'm repulsive and evil and disobedient. I don't deserve His love or His grace when I am every single thing He hates. Maybe thats why Im being punished. Maybe He knew I was always going to turn out like this, so ever since I was born I've been subjected to nothing but horror and grief and nothing else. nothing else.

I wish i could articulate everything inside me better. this is so fragmented, i know, but i dont even know where to start. I was born on the other side of the world, but I always identified more with the "West"...i know that sounds insane and fucking stupid. But i swear to god, my brain was wired like someone who would grow up *anywhere* but where i was??? my cultural traditions and religious obligations never made sense to me. they were always restrictive. MORE than they should have been. I was always more disturbed by them than my friends, i never managed to connect with anyone because our differences were so vast. While i was thinking of living life free and adventurous, EVERY other person around me, older and younger, were content with the life plans our culture set out for us (married by or around 20, enough kids to be a large family by 28, sitting at home or doing a 'respectable' job)

When i told my best friends, at 11, that i wanted to run away with them and live like roomies in Japan (i was a weeb. embarrasing) they were more grounded in reality and said "well, when we grow up and get married then we can leave our homes for vacations every now and then". but that disgusted me. i didnt want to get married, i didnt want to get old and THEN live my life. I didnt want to go from being one mans property to another mans property. but everyone thought (and still thinks) im insane and "feminist" and a stupid child. i admit that i was delusional...i mean my other friends were more tethered to reality at 11 to know running away from home at our age would be horrible. Why the hell was i so fucking stupicd

When i was younger, romance made me cringe. I was vehemently against shitty romcoms and boring love movies...but i was secretly yearning for it. I didnt realize it then. i realize it now. I made big shows of disgust at anything remotely romantic or lovey dovey, but i think i was craving it more than i let on.

so, the man i was born under, he's extremely....well. sexist and misogynistic and he looks weirdly at VERY young girls. he wouldnt mind ruining someone elses daughter, and he projected that on us i guess. because let me tell you this. I have never left the house alone. I have never been without "supervision". I have never gone to a gender mixed school, he always found the shittiest organizations with girls-only schools and made every. single. fucking. decision for me. I didnt even get the OPPURTUNITY to rebel. To make my own decisions. I wasnt allowed to go out. I wasnt allowed to dress in anything but the crap he and my mom picked. Covered head to toe. I felt disgusted with myself. My mom was disgusted by my rapidly develping body. I think i developed so fast because im disgusting and i was a perverted kid, so i made myself grow way too fucking early. I dont even know why I was so fucking perverted. I think its genetic, because you CAN inherit stuff like that, and since the man i was born under was a disgusting perverted SOB, I got his ugly, defected genes. And i didnt know all this about him until i was 20 i think, because before that we all thought he was super religious and super anti-women, but then we found out he was cheating on my mom with multiple young girls, too many to count. And he told her youre old and disgusting now when hes MUCH older than her. He said 14 year old girls are better. my mom almost went insane with disgust and shame. i had to hold her back from wrekcing her own head.

I dont even know what the hell Im saying anymore. I dont know how to articulate this.

I am 22 now. turning 23 this year. Every birthday is fucking depressing because i realize he stole my teenage years from me, and now hes stealing the last few years of youth i have left. and then what? i'll be married off, wont i? to some ugly man who may or may not be a closeted freak like all of them turn out to be. my mom screams at me, "this is the only way you can get your freedom"

because shes been injected with the same religion's cult-ish ideas. My family is stifling me. The idea that i will never make it out of their clutches makes me want to just. i cant do this anymore.

i wanted to fucking go to uni abroad. after my high school i wasted TWO fucking years tryng to pray and manifest going abroad, escaping this hell hole, gaining some fucking FREEDOM. but i was a fucking fool and i wasted two fucking years in which i got incredibly depressed and my mother always brings up how i wasted two entire fucking years before they forced me to go to the all-girls university i did NOT WANT TO GO TO. They ruined my fucking life by sending me there. This univeristy is more like a fucking school, i cant explain it to you, in fact theyre more strict on girls than they were on us back in fucking SCHOOL. but im almost done. i wasted 3.5 years here. ha.

now my younger brother finished his high school, and everyones talking about sending him to the uk or something :) because hes a boy. my mom is so supportive of it. she would never support me going on my own. i listen to them sit around and talking and it makes me want to.

dont get me wrong. im happy for him. and he worked really hard to get scholarships. I was a r who could barely fucntion so i failed my entire way through high school. he got straight As. he worked for it. he deserves it. But ofc the man we were born under doesnt want him to go. hes the only one. He said to my mom "None of them are ever going to escape my control. Just you see."

He likes seeing us being held back. Makes sense why he runed all our potential and put us in cages.

Theres a lot more.

Theres so much more, about my body, about my limited, closed-off 'friendships', about my own faults, about this damn passport that i want to burn. But i cant put it here. I dont know how to articulate it.

I hate myself so much. Its not just his fault, its my fault too.

Sometimes I think about the multiverse, and I hope to god its real. Because that means that somewhere out there, I exist, and Im happy. maybe in that world, I'm beautiful, and doing youtube like i wanted to. Maybe Im a great poet and literary writer like I've always wanted to be. Maybe Im in theatre. Maybe I know how to do ballet. Maybe I live open and free and maybe i dont hate myself and maybe i dont want to kill myself every waking hour. Maybe i got lucky enough to be born elsewhere, to have a different stamp on my passport, to not be born into a cult. maybe i get to dress how i want and adhere to my own rules and aesthetic and im not always feeling inferior and watching other poeple live my dreams

i dont want to watch my youth slip away anymore

and my situation is so specific, nobody fucking gets it. i see these lucky people on social media, all around me, even in my personal life. and nobody gets it. if i tell someone all they feel is pity. and i dont want pity.

nobody has any advice for me. because i cant fucking get out of here.

someone i begged to to get me anti depressants so i could at least kill my emotiosn told me "i cant get you those, because theyre meant to be taken for a situation that slowly improves. Your situation isnt changing for the foreseeable future. Realisitically. So you'll just get addicted and i'll have to keep upping the dosage until i cant."

i wasnt born sad. my mom keeps saying "you were such a happy baby". yeah, i laughed, even though he was beating on me and i was constantly aware something was wrong with me because of my perversion. i dont think ive been happy ever since i got an iota of conscience.

i wish i wasnt scared of the afterlife. i wish God hadnt outlawed seeing myselg out of all this.

[jasminelee324]

you’re trying to make me jealous, aren’t you?”>*not trying to do anything. You simply areconstant reminder of why you ended things in the first place.>>girl if u dont block this, yake your keys and file a reststraining order with the police and amd leave that man to be a ward of THE STATE AAAAND get Officer Gojo's number while you're at it!

he follows obediently, hands gripping the basket, a>>WALK HIM LIKE A DOG!what happened to that?”>>cleay the consequences of ones own actionssss???? dpmo

what makes you think i need a reason to be here?>>look whoooos orbiting around who now??? Hmmm?”you’re still mad at me, aren’t you?”but refusing to let him get under your skin like he used to.>>FINALLLLLLLLYYYYY. YN STANDING ON BUSINESS!!!!! I'M SO PROUD😭👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

his vulnerability, rare as it is, catches you off guard.>>Noooooooooooooo! Pls pls pls pls pls bookie GET UPPPPPPPPPPPP😭

a look of genuine regret.>>that's not your problem anymoreeeee

the love you’ve carried for him hasn’t disappeared>> Girl PLEASEEE go to therapy instead of back to this man, i promise it will get better🙏🏾

your chest tightens as you let out a soft, defeated sigh. “i hate that i miss you too,”>>ladies, gentlemen and tumblr shadows...i regret to inform you, we've lost another one🥲

you’ve already surrendered.>>here lies yn. She stood on business for 30 seconds and i was proud of her for all 30 of them🥲🤧😭

he knows he's won, even if just a little.>>girrrrrrlaa thats a TEXTBOOK narcissist!(i am not a mental health professional and this i not to be taken as a diagnosis for anyone. if concerned pls seek professional help) FLEE!!! 🏃🏾‍♀️ 🏃🏾‍♀️ 🏃🏾‍♀️ 🏃🏾‍♀️ RUN dont walk😭 There's still a chance for youuu!

i’ll earn your trust back, i’ll treat you right. i’ll be the one you fall back in love with.>>yap yap YAP😭.

Poor yns friends are going to have to comfort her when this man fumbles AGAINNNN

and i’ll make sure you don’t regret giving me this chance.”>>i'm tegretting this on her behalf already

💗 I can at least acknowledge that to some extent I'm just beaching and moaning. Ik at heart I'm a sukuna hater but the occasional fic does sway that, BUT THIS only reminds me of every reason behind my intinal instincts😭like Eren Yaeger himself has popped up and told me to LOCK IN!

The writing itself is absolutely beautiful though. And without a doubt goes above and beyond in its ability to evoke strong emotions and empathy for the main character. 10/10👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

he’s annoying, but maybe, just maybe, you’re willing to let him try.>>CHAI🙆🏿‍♀️

i won’t let you down, doll.”>>yes he will but none the less we'll chalk it up to yn's future character development arc. Possibly her villain origin story😭

pouring every unspoken promise and emotion into it>>almost had me weak in the knees. 😩🤭lemme stand up😭btwn me and yn one of us has to😭

what’s wrong with a little public display of affection>>bsff

ryou’re still a menace to society>>AND IS AND yn imma hold ur hand when I say this: yn i want you to remeber that you TOO, you're a part of socieTyyyyyyyy!

tonight’s going to be a night you’ll never forget>>me hoping this doesnt take a turn for the worse and he UNALIVES her😭😭😭ynnnn! Noooo She was so young, so free😢you’ll be missed bookie. Fly High 🕊 karasuno high!!!🏐 (im so sorry😂😂😂😭😂😂😂😂😭)

i’ve got everything planned to perfection. tonight’s going to be a night you’ll never forget.”>>im not gon' lie to some extent.....i get it BUT to do better we must first want better and i need ms.yn to have THE VERY BEST🗣which means standing in business when NECESSARYYYYY and NOT folding under pressure even as it gets worsa and kuna is the personification is WORSA

😭Idk if im happier i made through or that yn did. She dididn't t chopped up and thrown inthe teunk so a win is a win. No matter what she's still better off in your hands than what Gege would have done to her😭😭😭Ty for your time and you gift of literacy that you have chosen to share with the world. This is truly a heightened ability to make out scenes so vividly and to breathe life into the characters to the point it's like they're jumping off the page. Please never stop writing. Albeit an emotional rollercoaster it has been an utmost pleasure reading your work💗🤝

THE GIRL IS MINE : RYOMEN SUKUNA

you and sukuna have been broken up for three months, but it seems like he can’t take the break-up seriously and he tries to convince you to get back to him.

warning. non-sorcerer! sukuna, ex-boyfriend! sukuna, fluff.

it’s been three months since you broke up with sukuna, but life hasn’t gotten any easier. he’s relentless, calling and texting you as if nothing has changed. he still has a set of your keys, and although you’ve considered asking for them back, a part of you never has. instead, you just let him come and go as he pleases, all while pretending to ignore him every time he shows up uninvited.

as valentine’s day approaches, your friend asks you for a favor. she needs a gift for her boyfriend and wonders if you could pick something up for her. wanting to help, you agree and head to a nearby store, the weight of sukuna’s lingering presence dulling your mood.

the store is filled with romantic displays, everything draped in pink and red. you have a basket hooked on your arm as you wander the aisles, searching for something thoughtful and nice. you reach for a bottle of cologne, turning it in your hand, when that familiar deep voice cuts through your thoughts.

“looking for something, princess?”

your heart sinks immediately. you don’t need to turn around to know it’s him. sukuna. you grit your teeth, bracing yourself as the last thing you wanted today was for him to ruin your peace.

you slowly turn, meeting his cocky smirk. he’s standing there, casual as ever, like he’s done nothing wrong, like he hasn’t been making your life a nightmare since the breakup.

“i don’t remember inviting you into my day,” you mutter, tossing the cologne into your basket as if his presence isn’t already gnawing at you.

he chuckles, stepping closer. “you never had to. i always know where to find you.” his tone is laced with arrogance, the same arrogance that made you fall for him before you saw his darker sides. you roll your eyes, gripping the basket tighter. “what do you want, sukuna?”

he leans against the shelving, that smirk still on his lips. “just thought i’d see how my girl is doing, can a boyfriend do that?” he asks, feigning innocence. you know he’s as far from innocent as it gets. his eyes rake over you, studying you with a familiarity that makes your skin crawl. the store’s romantic atmosphere feels like a mockery with him here, tainting the air with his presence. you shift uncomfortably, trying to ignore the weight of his gaze.

you roll your eyes, already exasperated. “i’m not your girl anymore, sukuna,” you say firmly, turning your attention back to the cologne bottles in front of you. you unscrew the cap of one, taking a quick sniff, hoping to focus on anything but his presence.

sukuna doesn’t back off; he never does. leaning against the shelving, he watches you with that familiar, infuriating smirk still playing on his lips. you can feel his gaze burning into your skin, making your nerves bristle as you move from one bottle to the next, trying to act like he isn’t getting under your skin.

he lets out a low chuckle at your response, the sound sending a chill down your spine. “ah, but you’ll always be mine,” he says, a dark edge in his tone, as if it’s a warning. “you can’t just erase three years together, princess.”

he pushes off the shelving, walking towards you with an unwavering confidence. he reaches out, his fingers tracing the nape of your neck, causing you to shiver involuntarily.

his touch is possessive, just like it always was. he steps closer, his body invading your personal space. “you can pretend all you want,” he whispers in your ear, his breath hot against your skin. “but deep down, you know you miss me.”

he reaches around you, grabbing the bottle of cologne from your basket. he turns it in his hand, inspecting it with a mocking smirk. “you’re not buying this for yourself, are you?”

you look at him with a flat, unimpressed expression, resisting the urge to shove him away. his possessive touch still lingers, just like it always did, and the proximity is suffocating. “no, it’s for someone else,” you say bluntly, keeping your tone as neutral as possible. your patience is wearing thin, but you don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing you rattled.

his smirk widens at your answer, as if he finds it amusing. he sets the bottle back in your basket, his hand still lingering. “aww, buying a gift for someone special? who is it, your little rebound?” he teases, leaning closer.

he’s intentionally trying to rile you up, and damn him, it’s working. his presence is overwhelming, and his taunts are a constant reminder of why you ended things in the first place.

sukuna’s voice drips with mockery as he steps closer, his smirk still in place. “so, this is what you’re doing now, doll? buying cheap cologne for other men?” you clench your jaw, rolling your eyes as you grip the basket a little tighter. turning to face him, your expression is flat and unbothered. “yup,” you reply sarcastically. “that’s exactly what i’m doing. must be a real shock for you.”

sukuna grins at your retort, amused by your attempt to brush him off. he takes another step forward, his face now just inches away from yours.

“oh, doll,” he says, his tone almost condescending. “i know you too well. you’re not buying that cologne for just anyone. you’re trying to make me jealous, aren’t you?” he reaches out, his finger gently tracing along your jawline, his touch sending a mixture of irritation and familiarity coursing through you.

you just sigh, turning away again. “whatever helps you sleep at night, sukuna.” you continue browsing, determined not to let him ruin your day more than he already has.

sukuna laughs, a mocking sound that irritates you even more. he follows you as you move down the aisle, his presence like an unwelcome shadow.

“oh, come on,” he says, his tone laced with mock disappointment. “you can’t even look at me anymore, princess?” he reaches out, taking the basket from your hands, forcing you to stop and face him. he holds it just out of reach, grinning down at you. “i think you miss me more than you care to admit.”

you hum in response, not even bothering to look up at him as he grins down at you. “if you say so,” you murmur, shrugging casually. you know better than to feed into his antics—he wants a reaction, and you’re not going to give him one.

instead, you let him hold the basket, walking further down the aisle and continuing your search for the gift. sukuna follows, as you expected, holding the basket just like he used to. you can't help but find the situation ironic; despite his cocky attitude, he’s the one carrying your things while you shop. in a way, it’s a win-win.

his presence might be irritating, but at least you don’t have to lug around the basket anymore. as you browse through more cologne options, you toss a few bottles into the basket without a word before moving to look for something else, fully aware that sukuna will just keep following you around like a shadow.

sukuna watches you as you wander down the aisle, his eyes studying you with a mixture of fascination and annoyance. he follows obediently, hands gripping the basket, as you add more items to it. he’s oddly compliant, and it annoys him that you’re not falling for his usual games.

“you’re not very responsive today, doll,” he comments, his tone a little harsher than usual. “not even going to give me a little fight?”

you grab a sleek watch from the display and turn to sukuna, ignoring his comment. his eyes narrow slightly in suspicion as you take his wrist, sliding the watch onto it without hesitation. he watches, surprised but intrigued, as you adjust the strap, examining how it looks on him.

“i need to buy my friend’s boyfriend a gift for valentine’s,” you say, your focus on the watch as you tilt his wrist to see how it catches the light.

the second the words leave your mouth, you don’t realize what you’ve just done—reassured his jealousy with an unintended confirmation. sukuna’s smirk returns, this time with a sharper edge. “so that’s what this is about,” he says, his voice dripping with amusement. “trying to make sure your friend's boyfriend looks as good as me, huh?”

you glance up at him, catching the glint in his eyes, but you refuse to let him rattle you. “just trying to see if the watch looks good,” you reply coolly, slipping it off his wrist. “not everything revolves around you, sukuna.”

sukuna’s smirk widens, his ego stroked by your admission. he watches as you slip the watch off his wrist, his gaze unwavering.

“aww, doll,” he coos, stepping closer to you. “you’re right, not everything revolves around me, but you used to.” he reaches out, his hand cupping your chin and forcing you to look up at him. “you used to be so focused on me. what happened to that?”

you meet his gaze, completely unimpressed by his touch, and stare at him for a moment. “you should ask yourself that,” you reply flatly, your voice carrying a note of finality. pulling your chin from his hand, you turn away without hesitation, walking toward another aisle as if his presence meant nothing.

sukuna watches you in silence for a beat, his usual cockiness lingering in the air. before turning down the next aisle, you glance over your shoulder at him, your voice casual as you ask, “what are you even doing here, anyway?” your question hangs between you both, a quiet curiosity beneath the surface.

sukuna follows you, his smirk faltering slightly at your continued disinterest. he takes a moment to answer, watching you as you browse through the aisle.

he takes a step closer, his voice low as he speaks. “i was shopping, doll. i saw you walking in and decided to come say hi,” he says, his tone betraying a hint of annoyance. he leans against the shelving, his eyes still roaming over you. “what makes you think i need a reason to be here?”

sukuna's eyes narrow as he watches you, his previous smirk replaced with a more intense gaze. the store around them seems to fade into the background as he becomes more fixated on the interaction.

his voice dropping to a low murmur. “i guess i just wanted to see how you've been doing.” he reaches out, his fingers gently brushing a strand of hair away from your face. “you look good,” he says, his touch lingering for a moment before he withdraws his hand.

you remain focused on the items in front of you, barely acknowledging his presence even as he steps closer. his touch as he brushes the strand of hair away doesn’t faze you, though you can feel the weight of his gaze on you, more intense than before.

“i’ve been fine,” you say, your voice distant, uninterested in entertaining his attempt at a deeper conversation. you glance at him briefly, your eyes sharp but calm. “thanks for the compliment, i guess.” you shift slightly, turning away from him and continuing to browse, refusing to let him pull you back into his orbit.

sukuna's annoyance grows as he sees your dismissive attitude. he's not used to being ignored, especially by you. he watches as you turn away, his gaze following your every move.

he remains silent for a moment before speaking up again, his voice laced with frustration. “you’re still mad at me, aren’t you?” he asks, the words more of a statement than a question. he steps closer again, invading your personal space as he tries to get a reaction out of you.

you stop in your tracks and turn to face him, meeting his frustrated gaze with calm indifference. “i’m not mad at you, sukuna,” you say, your voice even and unwavering. “i just don’t see the point in acting like your girlfriend anymore, because i’m not.”

your words hang in the air, and you can see the frustration flicker in his eyes. he’s clearly not used to you being this distant, this detached. you give him a small, almost dismissive shrug before turning your attention back to the shelf. “there’s no reason for me to be mad. it’s over. simple as that.”

you grab another item, turning away from him, fully expecting him to continue trying to push your buttons, but refusing to let him get under your skin like he used to.

sukuna's frustration turns into irritation at your nonchalant response. he can’t wrap his head around your cool, almost distant demeanor. he wanted a reaction, some sign that you still felt something. but you’re not giving him anything.

he grits his teeth as you turn away, your dismissive shrug like a blade to his ego. “it’s simple, huh?” he says, his voice edged with sarcasm. he steps closer once more, his body almost brushing against yours. “if it’s so simple, then why does it feel like you’re trying to make me jealous?”

his gaze roams over you, as if searching for some kind of crack in your composure. he’s never seen you this calm, this unflustered by his attempts to get a reaction. “buying valentine’s gifts for someone else,” he continues, his tone mocking. “that’s a low blow, doll.”

you let out an exasperated sigh, turning to face him with a tired look. “i already told you, it’s for my friend’s boyfriend,” you repeat, your tone flat and dismissive. “you’re really reaching here, sukuna.“

you shake your head and turn back to browsing, not even bothering to engage with his mockery anymore. it’s clear he’s fishing for a reaction, but you’re not giving him the satisfaction. “honestly, it’s getting a little old,” you add, your voice laced with irritation.

sukuna’s frustration begins to boil over, fueled by your repeated dismissals. he steps closer again, his body almost towering over you. “it’s old?” he repeats, his voice gaining an edge of anger. “you really think you can brush me off that easily?” he moves in, his presence demanding your attention. “you can’t just act like i don’t mean anything to you,” he says, his jaw clenching. “after three years, doll, you owe me more than this.”

you look up at sukuna, meeting his intense gaze with a sigh, feeling the weight of the conversation hang between you. his usual arrogance falters as his eyes soften. his hand comes up to cup the side of your neck, his touch unexpectedly gentle.

“just… let me apologize,” he says softly, his voice losing its edge. “let me talk first. let me make things right.” his vulnerability, rare as it is, catches you off guard. you can see the tension in his jaw relax as he waits for your response, his thumb brushing lightly against your skin. the desperation to fix things, to go back to what you had, is written all over his face. you hesitate for a moment, feeling the conflicting emotions stirring inside you.

sukuna’s grip on your neck softens, his thumb tracing a gentle circle against the skin. his eyes hold a vulnerability you've rarely seen, a look of genuine regret.

he takes a moment, collecting his thoughts as he speaks. “i know i messed up,” he says, his voice softer now. “i took you for granted, doll. took us for granted.” he steps closer, his body almost brushing against yours. “but i... i miss you,” he admits, his words hanging in the air. “i want you back.”

you stare at him, searching his eyes for any hint of sincerity. the regret in his voice, the soft touch of his hand, all of it feels so unfamiliar from the sukuna you knew—yet painfully familiar at the same time. as much as you hate him for what he’s put you through, the love you’ve carried for him hasn’t disappeared. three months wasn’t nearly enough to erase the years of memories, the moments where you felt like you were his whole world.

your chest tightens as you let out a soft, defeated sigh. “i hate that i miss you too,” you admit quietly, your voice barely above a whisper.

you nod, more to yourself than to him, feeling the weight of your decision as you meet his gaze again. “fine,” you say, almost as if the word leaves your lips of its own accord. “ we can talk, but this… this can’t be like before, sukuna. i won’t go back to that.” your words carry a quiet warning, but the truth is, you’ve already surrendered.

sukuna’s expression shifts, the hint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips. he recognizes the surrender in your eyes, the defeat in your voice. he knows he's won, even if just a little.

he nods, accepting your conditions, his hand still resting gently on your neck. “no,” he agrees, his voice almost a whisper. “it won’t be like before. i'll make you fall in love with me all over again.” he steps closer, his body pressing gently against yours, the heat of him sending a shiver down your spine. he leans in, his breath warm against your skin as he speaks, his words a quiet promise.

“i’ll show you that i can be better, doll,” he says, his voice soft but firm. “i’ll earn your trust back, i’ll treat you right. i’ll be the one you fall back in love with.” he pulls back, looking at you with an intense gaze. “just give me a chance.”

you frown, the familiar feeling of annoyance bubbling up inside you. sukuna always knew how to worm his way back into your life, no matter how hard you tried to push him away. and the worst part? you always let him.

you roll your eyes, letting out an irritated groan. “you’re so annoying, sukuna,” you mutter, not even bothering to hide your frustration.

without waiting for him to respond, you turn on your heel and head towards the register, your footsteps a little heavier than usual. he follows, of course, still holding the basket as if he belongs there beside you. even now, with his promises and sweet words, he’s still the same—a force of nature, barging into your life whenever he pleases. but despite the frustration, you don’t tell him to leave. you never really do.

sukuna grins as you storm off to the register, following closely behind you. he watches as you try to maintain an air of frustration, but he can see through it. after all, he knows you better than you know yourself.

he remains silent, walking beside you as you make your way to the register. he places the basket on the counter, his presence looming over you. he can see the conflicting emotions playing out on your face, and it fills him with a twisted sense of satisfaction. as you pay for your purchases, he watches, waiting for your next move.

you can feel his gaze on you as you finish paying, the weight of his presence heavy in the air. as you turn to leave, he follows, his footsteps echoing behind you.

once outside the store, the cool air does little to soothe your irritation. you pause, turning to face him, your expression still guarded. “now what?” you ask, your voice carrying a hint of challenge. “you’ve successfully annoyed me into giving you another chance. what next, sukuna?”

sukuna grins at your question, enjoying the slight challenge in your voice. he steps closer, his body almost touching yours. “now, doll,” he says, his voice laced with a hint of mischief. “now i show you how good it can be between us again.”

he reaches out, his hand gently brushing your cheek as he lowers his voice to a whisper. “i’ll make you remember why you fell in love with me in the first place,” he promises. “and i’ll make sure you don’t regret giving me this chance.”

he leans in, his breath warm against your ear as he speaks, “i’ll court you proper this time around. dinners, outings, everything to show you that i’m serious about treating you right.”

he pulls back, his eyes roving over your face as if committing it to memory. “and if you don’t like it, you can walk away at any time, doll. i won’t stop you.” he waits for your response, his heart pounding in his chest, the anticipation making his blood run hot.

you fight the smile threatening to break through, biting your lip to keep it at bay. despite everything, there’s a part of you that’s amused by his persistence, his bold promises. “you better make it worth it,” you say, glancing up at him with a teasing smirk, “if you’re going to waste my time like this.”

his eyes light up, a glimmer of victory in them as he takes in your words. he leans in closer, his lips ghosting just above yours as he whispers, “oh, doll, I promise you—it’ll be worth every second.” you roll your eyes again, but this time, there’s a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of your lips. he’s annoying, but maybe, just maybe, you’re willing to let him try.

sukuna grins at your response, enjoying the subtle shift in the air between you. he can see the hint of a smile, the slight falter in your confident demeanor. he knows he’s getting to you, and it fuels his determination. he leans in even closer, his lips hovering just above yours, his breath warm against your cheek. “i’ll make it more than worth your time, doll,” he whispers, his voice low and enticing. “i won’t let you down.”

he pulls back, his eyes locked on yours, a silent challenge in his gaze. “let me prove it. give me this chance, and i’ll show you that i’m serious about winning you back,” he continues, his voice soft but firm. “i won’t let you down, doll.”

he reaches out, his hand gently tracing the side of your neck, his touch light and almost reverent. “i promise you,” he murmurs, “i can make you happy again.” he waits for your response, his heart pounding in his chest as he holds your gaze, hoping you’ll give him this chance.

you hum softly, the sound filled with a mix of satisfaction and surrender as you reach up to cup his cheek. his skin is warm beneath your palm, and you can feel the tension in him, the anticipation radiating from his body as he leans into your touch. “alright,” you whisper, your voice barely audible, your lips just inches from his. the weight of the moment hangs between you both, heavy and charged.

sukuna's heart races in his chest as you reach up to cup his cheek, his eyes locked on yours, intense and full of desire. he leans into your touch, the simple touch sending sparks of electricity coursing through his body.

he swallows hard as he processes your words, your soft agreement sending a wave of relief and hope through him. the corners of his lips slowly curl into a wicked grin as he leans in, his face just inches from yours. “you won’t regret this, doll,” he murmurs, his voice a low, seductive rumble.

sukuna's grin widens as he feels the heat radiating off you, his heart pounding in rhythm with the surge of adrenaline. wrapping his arms around your waist, he pulls you flush against him, the warmth of his body enveloping you in a cocoon of familiarity and desire.

there’s a moment of hesitation, a breath held in anticipation, before he leans in, capturing your lips with his. the kiss is fierce and possessive, igniting the fire that had long lain dormant between you. it’s as if the world around you fades away, leaving just the two of you wrapped in this intoxicating moment.

he kisses you deeply, pouring every unspoken promise and emotion into it, a desperate attempt to convey how much he truly wants you back. the taste of you, the feel of you in his arms, reminds him of everything he’s been missing.

sukuna grips your waist, his fingers digging into your skin as he pulls you closer, molding your body to his. the kiss is intense, filled with a mixture of desire, possessiveness, and a hint of longing. he kisses you with a fervor, his lips moving against yours with a hunger that resonates deep within him.

he pours his heart and soul into the kiss, his tongue tangling with yours in a familiar dance. his hands roam over your body, as if memorizing every curve and contour, as if trying to commit your taste, your scent, everything about you to memory.

he breaks away for a moment, panting slightly, his eyes dark with a mixture of desire and vulnerability. “i’ve missed this,” he whispers, his voice rough and filled with a huskiness that goes straight to your core. “missed you, doll.”

he presses closer to you, his body molding against yours like a perfect puzzle. his lips find your neck, trailing hot kisses down the sensitive skin, igniting a trail of fire in their wake. he bites down lightly, a low, possessive growl rumbling in his chest.

the heat of sukuna's lips against your skin sends a jolt of desire through you, but as his intensity escalates, a sudden rush of awareness snaps you back to reality. with a firm push, you create a bit of space, feeling the cool metal of a nearby car press against your back.

“sukuna,” you say, your voice a mix of annoyance and a lingering thrill, “we're still in public.” your heart races, both from his touch and the embarrassment of being caught in such a passionate moment surrounded by strangers.

he pauses, looking down at you with that familiar smirk, his eyes glinting with mischief. “what’s wrong with a little public display of affection?” he teases, leaning in closer, his breath ghosting over your lips.

you can’t help but roll your eyes at him, even as the corners of your mouth threaten to lift in a smile. “some people might not appreciate it as much as you do.” you try to sound serious, but the way he’s looking at you makes it hard to maintain your composure.

sukuna chuckles softly, clearly unfazed by your protest. “let them watch, then. they’ll only wish they had what we have.” he leans back slightly, just enough to gauge your reaction, his expression softening as he adds, “but i guess i can control myself... for now.”

the way he says “for now” sends another wave of excitement coursing through you, reminding you just how hard it is to resist him, even in public. you can’t help but roll your eyes at his confidence, a mix of amusement and exasperation bubbling up inside you. “you’re still a menace to society, you know that?” you retort, trying to keep your tone light despite the way your heart races.

sukuna grins at your playful push and your annoyance at being caught in a public display of affection. his eyes darkened with desire and a hint of mischief.

“oh, come on, doll,” he teases, his voice low and sultry. “where’s the fun in hiding our passion?” he leans in closer, his breath hot against your ear as he whispers, “i’ve never been one to care about what others think. and you know damn well i have a hard time controlling myself around you.”

you shake your head, unable to suppress a smile as you look into his eyes. “you’re ridiculous. what are you trying to do, make everyone jealous with your terrible flirting?”

sukuna chuckles deep in his throat, his smirk growing wider. “you say ‘terrible’; i call it charming,” he replies, his voice dripping with confidence. “and if it makes everyone else jealous, then all the better. they won’t know what they’re missing.”

he dips his head, his lips brushing against your neck again as he murmurs, “but who cares about them? all i care about is how you react to it.”

you groan in annoyance, a mix of frustration and amusement bubbling up as his lips graze your neck again. “seriously? you can’t just help yourself, can you?” you retort, swatting him away playfully, though the warmth of his affection sends a thrill through you.

sukuna chuckles, pulling away just enough to look at you with that infuriating smirk still plastered on his face. “i can’t help it if you’re just too tempting, doll,” he replies, his voice teasing. he then leans down to press a soft kiss to your forehead, and for a moment, all the tension melts away. “but fine,” he concedes, a hint of mischief still lingering in his gaze. “i’ll lower the pda for now.”

he takes your hand in his, his thumb brushing over your knuckles as he leans in slightly, a playful glint in his eyes. “how about we go shopping for a dress for you to wear at dinner on our valentine’s night? i want to see you in something that makes you feel as special as you are.”

your heart flutters at the thought, and you can’t help but feel a smile tugging at your lips. “a dress, huh? are you planning on making a grand entrance or something?” you tease, raising an eyebrow as you try to gauge his intentions.

sukuna grins, his eyes sparkling with mischief and excitement at the idea of seeing you all dolled up in a pretty dress. “oh, doll, you have no idea,” he replies, his voice low and sultry. “i have grand plans for our valentine’s night. and let’s just say, you in a dress is just the beginning.”

he chuckles at your teasing, his hand still holding yours tightly as he looks down at you. “i’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you have the best valentine’s day you’ve ever had.”

sukuna starts walking to his car, his grip on your hand firm yet reassuring, you can’t help but feel a mix of anticipation and curiosity bubbling inside you. you glance up at him, the playful glint in his eyes making your heart race just a little faster. “alright, mr. mysterious,” you say, tilting your head slightly to study his expression. “where exactly are you planning on taking me?”

sukuna grins, his eyes gleaming with excitement as he leads you to his car. he opens the door for you, gallantly gesturing for you to get in before leaning against the car’s hood. he crosses his arms, a smug smile playing on his lips.

“that, doll, is a surprise,” he replies, his voice laced with a hint of playfulness. “but let’s just say it’s a place that’ll make you feel like a queen.”

as you settle into the passenger seat, sukuna makes his way around to the driver’s side, getting behind the wheel. he starts the car and glances at you, his eyes sparkling with excitement. “but don’t worry, doll,” he reassures, his hands confidently gripping the steering wheel. “i’ve got everything planned to perfection. tonight’s going to be a night you’ll never forget.”

you nod, feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness at the prospect of shopping with him, knowing it’ll be a different experience than before. “alright, lead the way, charming rogue,” you say with a playful roll of your eyes, your heart racing at the prospect of what the evening holds.

sukuna laughs, his eyes flickering with amusement. “oh, doll, you’re playing with fire calling me that,” he teases, his voice tinged with both warning and promise. “but i’ll take it as a compliment.” he puts the car in gear and pulls out of the parking lot, his hands steady on the steering wheel. “just sit back and relax. i’ll have you looking like a goddess in no time.”

[danagoestorehab]

100 reasons to go to rehab

because i actually really do want to be better not bitter.

because all i have wanted for so long is to have a sense of community.

for my mental health to improve and it is tragic and awful and i can't deal with it.

for my physical health to improve which is also tragic and awful but to a lesser to degree.

to address the millions of past traumas that i have always buried away.

to sort out familial ties which i also always ruin.

to sort out my eating. that's very difficult.

so that i do not have to carry on feeling this way continuously

because the seaside is nice

because i want a sense of belonging

because i am emotionally unstable and its hard

because i want to have an actual life

to stop funding war in columbia with my personal choices

to stop rotting a hole in my nose

so i don't have any nightmares anymore

so that i can have a bad day without feeling like the worlds ending

so that i can stop disappointing people

so that i can do better things for other people

so that my internal organs do not fail

so that i can attempt to karma balance the bad things that i have done if thats even possible

so that i can run a marathon with rob

so that i can stop being a covert narcissist

so that i can wake up in situations that i do not want to run away from

so that i do not feel constantly drenched in guilt and shame

so that i can do volunteer work

so that i can make friends with new people

so that i can learn to form healthy relationships

so that i can learn to live not survive

so that i no longer feel the need to lie

because i forget that drugs are actually illegal and therefore a crime

because i want to be a person that others can depend on

because i do actually just believe in the goodness of others

because i want to be able to make nice memories

because i want to be good for people

because this country is probably sick of me

because then i can keep up with appointments

so that i can do things based on rationale and reason instead of fear

so that landlords in cardiff dont have to hate me

so that i can get out of this vicious cycle

so that i can actually use my bike

so that i can learn more from other people

so that i can teach others things so that they don't have to learn the hard way

so i can stop writing apology letters

so that i can make people proud of me

so that i can find a reason to be proud of myself

so that maybe one change i make inspires others to change also

so that my drug dealers can find healthier means of maintaining an income

so that there is more free space in nhs hospitals

so that i stop being sick all of the time

apple will have less data to use for marketing because i will not be permanently attached to my phone

because this is all i have thought about for the past decade or so

because even very terrible people deserve second chances

because listening to the same three songs on repeat whilst catastrophising my life endlessly is not an existence

because i contribute an ungodly amount of disposable vapes which is funneling climate change and i reckon given the chance i could stop being so self obsessed and dedicate myself to a reusable or other coping mechanisms.

because i feel like the stray cat that we feed will be disappointed in me

because russian roulette is not a fun game

because other people are constantly being hurt through my actions and inactions

because other people believe in me as well

because i have a believed to be cursed painting i found by a road in my room that i found in which i jokingly refer to as my 'dorian gray' and i don't really want to look at it any longer

because lloyds can only issue so many new debit cards

because even at a minuscule level, the straws and baggies used are probably responsible for trapped fish in the sea

because i haven't been to the beach in a year

because i really want to live long enough to see another year

because its tiring being tired

because my skin is not very good

because if everybody got clean there would be minimal crime

because the shop i work at are really really reallly sick and tired of me

because i don't sleep very well at all nowadays

because this really is my only option

because i definitely have a vitamin d deficiency and going outside more would help

because i genuinely want to be more selfless

because the priory gets a drunk dial at least once a year and that needs to stop

because i still havent replaced my flatmates toothpaste

because people can be good and kind and dependable when given the chance even if they seem like cowardly cowardly custard

because lorna is lovely and i have put her through a lot

because i am sick of setting other people on fire to keep myself warm

because i am sick of using bad metaphors

because there is more to life than my own four walls and i am literally trapped

because its pathetic playing the victim card any longer

because keeping up a pretense is exceptionally hard

because i'm almost at 100 reasons and i haven't had to pause for longer than a second to think of another reason why

because i don't want to doom myself to a fate never destined for me

because i am sick of being a repeat customer at medically assisted detox

because even the bad characters in books are felt empathy for sometimes

because i had written this on my calender

because this was a new years resolution for many years

because relocating to spain and changing my identity is excessive and also unlikely to succeed

because my fish deserve to be rehomed somewhere nicer

because i want to be able to take care of a plant without it dying

because sweet dee is lovely and probably sick of me and she shouldn't be

because my actions affect others and the fact that it does replays continuously on my mind

because i keep on doing things when i get anxious and, like my other issues, denying it

because i originally am from england and it seems destined to address my trauma where it started

because i hate whichever sad awful terrible version of me is presented to other people

because i am a waste of a masters degree

because people don't just deserve second chances but third chances and fourths and people really can be good and true and kind and better when they need to be

because i would love to find out more about other people

because writing 98 issues was way both too easy and way too difficult for me to write

because my daily horoscope app has been insanely accurate and i have the screenshots to prove it

because i so desperately believe broken people can get better if they really try to be

[sips-tea-cutely]

You’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream.

“I would rather die than let you go— Juliet to your Romeo. How I heard you say ‘I would never fall in love again until I found her. I said, I would never fall unless it's you I fall into’.”

osamu dazai, najimi osana, rantaro amami, xiao, kokichi oma

summary: love is a difficult term to define. they’ve never been good at expressing their love for others until they found you.

esp for: ME I DESERVE IT, @wagyuu-li, @actualvrolett, @mentally-ell, @sleepygamerotaku, @queen-of-wires, @th0tpimusprime, @chuuyas--boo & @lovelii-ann

#Osamu Dazai

homies, this is osamu dazai, did we expect him NOT to love touching his partner 😧😧

not in that way aha. he loves to walk around yokohama and keep an arm around your waist, let you rest your head on his shoulder while his head lays on yours

would lowkey be into having your head on his chest??? hear his heart beat beat for you s/o~ (=^▽^)σ

ALSO would love to sleep with his head on your chest. 1. (MAN)BOOBS 2. wants to make sure you wont abandon him in the middle of the night </33

SO INTO patting ur head. maybe like you’re scrolling on tiktok, head beside his lap and he’ll pat you once in a while <3

must be holding you in one way or another. he’ll be holding your hand, resting on your shoulder or dragging your leg as kunikida pulls him away, MUST BE HOLDING YOU

super loves to hold you and sometimes likes to be held back

still tho he’s more into being coddled with words hehe~

LOVES when you brush his hair at night say how much you love him, it makes him feel so lovesick

would actually propose/hj if you said you loved him in morse code (ranpo understands and is so sick of it)

might actually sob if you say something like “odasaku is so proud of you for helping others” he loves u so much bro i dont think its a joke anymore…

sometimes he has days where he doesn’t even know who he is or what he looks like, please reassure his humanity, hes so unsure of his existence

lowkey loves when you stay in bed with him on his depression days and just admire him, he thinks its a little narcissistic of himself tho but being adorned by you like a treasure is great so lol who cares its you (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

sometimes dazai thinks that life isnt worth living but then again, he has you waiting in bed for him right now so, how bad can it really be? <3

#Xiao

as we all know, xiao is one of— if not is the most loyal character in genshin. so what would we expect less for him to love acts of service?

just like with aether/lumine, just call out his name and he’ll be there for you!

reluctantly, he’d willing to walk around liyue harbor with you for dates and such (even if he doesnt really like being around others)

he isn’t really the MOST affectionate of the bunch since he often worries of his karmic debt hurting your friends, the traveler or morax forbid, you.

so instead, he asks you everyday, around 7:00 if you have anything you’ve been meaning to do. and after checking the gates around the harbor and wangshū, he’d get them done for you to lighten your load <333 (there was a time where you needed to deliver a parcel to granny at qince village and she called him a wonderful boyfriend to u, it was so cute HASJSJ)

during the osial situation, despite knowing how strong you are, he still told you to get out of the town or to at least stay near wangsheng so that zhongli could watch you, plz listen to him, he’s sorta worried </33

even after meeting you, and doing these for you, he’d still be secretly concerned that you feel forced to love him so please do express your love to him

which brings us to~… words of affirmation <33

he’s been so lonely for centuries on end and you’re his first relationship so he’d be like putty in your hands the moment you compliment him on ANYTHING

when i say anything, i mean it. even just saying that his eyes are pretty would make him hide under his yaksha mask <333

he always hyperventilates a little when you compliment him, hes only been so used to loneliness and besides that, zhongli has only occasionally thanked xiao but even then, it didn’t matter because you are the one he truly loves

WOULD ALSO LOWKEY BE INTO RECEIVING GIFTS

xiao honestly can’t remember the last time he was given a gift so even just receiving a lil glaze lily from an expedition w/ qiqi would make his heart pound!

fuck, hes so head over heels for you be careful w this power babe

#Rantaro Amami

ACTS OF SERVICE‼️‼️‼️‼️

he loves to help you with just about anything!! did angie ask for help to do something bizzare? rantaro’s on his way to stop a blood sacrifice!! kokichi being annoying? cmon lets go to the rooftop and when we get there push him off <3!!

hes honestly so used to being asked for help or doing something, he’d be a little uncomfortable just relaxing??

lowkey has to have something in his hand (GET HIM A FIDGET TOY) like he could be walking around and woops hes in your dorm with a slice of glazed cake

tbh would like to hangout in your research lab and play with the trinkets you left around

also kind of into physical touch?? he likes to hold ur hand

he loves to hold it close to his cheeks while resting in his dorm 😭😭💖💖

ALSO INTO WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

please reassure him that hes a good s/o and brother hes SO insecure i cant make any jokes abt it

loves to just hear you say “im happy im with you, rantaro. you’re so kind” PROPOSES??? HOLDS??? 😧😧😧💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

honestly into PDA but would wanna keep it in private to make them more special

sometimes when he sees like say kiibo’s hand very very unintentionally (he really didn’t mean it omg) brush your chest, he’d laugh it off sureee but then starts thinking you’d probably be happier with kiibo?? its his older brother mindset ugh

speaking of big brother, he also is quite responsible for his age so he’d LOVE quality time with you— exploring the school, maybe cleaning up the library, makes him realize how fun it always is to be with you

honestly just loves you too much for his own good ugh this lovesick bastard 💖💖🎉🎉

#Najimi Osana

LOVES giving gifts

often gives you little snacks they got from the vending machine in between classes (made sure its’ your favorite too! <33)

if you’re someone who doesn’t have lots of money to spare on yourself, they’d definitely try their best to get you to things you want!!

well uh— they wouldn’t exactly get it themselves BUT would use their social connections to get it for you

still never expects you to give them anything besides your love! ofc tho, if it makes you uncomfortable, they’d immediately stop or at least restrain themself from giving you every pretty leaf they found in the park </333

almost anything they find is given to you!

the cat keychain they won at the arcade with komi and tadano? it’s on your bag now! the shiny rock that they found on the field? sitting on your desk! the homework they forgot to finish? being held down by the pretty rock ehehe

don’t worry, tadano lightheadedly scolds najimi. they agreed but only if you stay with them!

speaking of which, they also love spending time with you!! <333

always invites you over to do homework together or just to talk

najimi is,,, extroverted (to say the least) so, it’d be great to just watch TV with you and cuddle on their bed <33

no matter how long you’ve known each other, they’ll always feel butterflies when you remembered something they’ve said, even if it’s something small like wanting to go to a ramen shop!! 🫣🫣

LOVES when you setup dates to places like a festival or even just volunteering to pay for najimi’s snack

no matter how busy, will ALWAYS look for you the moment class ends that even the teacher is asking them to come back (to which they reluctantly drag their feet back to their desk </333)

lowkey might think you’re annoyed when they cling to you, please reassure them </3333

#Kokichi Ouma

LOVES QUALITY TIME

he’d always ask force you to join him in his lil antics which gets you both in trouble with kirumi, aha… TURN OUT YOU WERE HIS SCAPEGOAT AAH RUNNNN

WOULD ALSO PRANK YOU DONT THINK YOURE SAFE!! dw tho, theyre not that bad~… if you like having ketchup thrown at you nishishi <3

mightve made you join DICE??? woopsies now you’re promoted to second in command without even knowing (yes he’d pull the “do you want them dead? just one phone call and theyre dead” more than once)

tbh he probably spent all that time with you because of cough cough his plan 😨😨. he knew that he wouldnt be able to see you again so he wanted to spend as much time with you as possible :(

trys to ignore it since— hes with you right now! no good to be thinking such gloomy thoughts!! </33

tbh the only thing making him go through with this plan was that you, shuichi, himiko, maki, kiibo and tsumugi were gonna be free from the killing game screams 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

absolutely idc im going with the hid in closets cause of mommy issues story, HE WANTS YOU TO TOUCH HIM???? (not in a sex way tho plz this is fluff)

like ok its kind of confusing, he wants your affection but hes also scared of it and being vulnerable and stuff 💔💔

LIVES for your touch, his fav is when you stroke his cheek & pat his head but dont tell him i said that 🏃🏃🏃🏃

sneaks into your dorm to cuddle you he probably got in trouble with the student council at one point

MUST sit next to him or else tears will be shed. (kaito is offering a seat please shut him up/lh)

he wants to stay by your side 24/7 and uses the killing game as an excuse 😭😭 he’d start thinking like “man what if i get too annoying and they get bored… NAH lol what was i thinking thats so stupid!!!” (he does the denying his own thoughts thing)

please tell him you’ll never get sick of himself, i feel like he’d space out if you didn’t (in a /nm im just lonely way)

[another-stark-sub]

“Are you in love with him?” - Tony Stark Imagine

Notes: I wrote and editted this in two hours instead of going over my notes. Was gonna be spicy fluffy but it just turned into fluffy, and one of the lines/paragraphs (smth like that i dont remember how long that segment was) is based on/inspired by a fanfic on ao3 I bookmarked. I think it’s debt-free, but I could be wrong.  Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and I’m so sorry im not on here more oftennnnn

- - -

“Of course I am. He’s Tony Stark.” You sighed, a weight finally lifted off your chest. “Who isn’t in love with him?”

Bruce blinked a few times, the confusion evident on his face. “Then, why don’t you tell him?”

You scoffed. These geniuses think they know everything, but they couldn’t see what was glaringly obvious to you. “He’s Tony Stark.”

The perplexed expression didn’t disappear from your friend’s expression. So, you explained further, “It’s already a privilege, beyond that really, to be talking to you, to any Avenger. To work with any of you is an honor, and to be friends with you” -you laughed- “it shouldn’t even be possible for someone like me.”

“Don’t say that. You’re amazing, too.” 

You tried to find any tick, any clue that he was lying. But Bruce seemed to really believe this. “I know I’m amazing.” You shrugged. “I’m great. I love and I care deeply, and I have a stable job. I have a place for myself, and I take care of myself.” You clicked your tongue. “However, you all, all  you Avengers… Forget out of my league, more like off planet.

“And Tony? He said it himself. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Add superhero, figurehead, public figure, ex-CEO, and savior of the universe. Bruce, I have confidence in myself, but Tony is something else entirely. No one is worthy of him or his affections unless they’re a god or another Avenger.”

It was hard to keep up with the statistical analysis you were trying to run. The literal one on your hologram and the one keeping your view of Tony in check. So, defeated, you sighed and leaned back in your chair. 

Bruce closed his own work and stood across the lab bench. “Weirdly enough, I’m sure none of us Avengers think that way.” After a few taps of his pen against his palm, he added, “Aren’t there fans making posts about you, too? Tony showed me the, uh, Instagram videos.”

You laughed. “Fan edits don’t make an Avenger. Saving the world does.”

He shrugged. “You help us save the world.”

“From inside Avengers Tower on a computer.” You took a deep breath. “Look, Bruce, I appreciate what you’re trying to do. But, I’m not telling him.” You shrugged and brought your statistical analysis back up.

You knew your own worth. You were worthy of an amazing partner and person. Tony Stark, though, was easy beyond that. You had accepted it soon after you realized your own feelings, and while they haven’t dwindled, you knew it was for the best. 

~ - ~

Tony had never resorted to this before. It was never a question of his ability to code. In the past, it was because he didn’t need a program or an AI to do it for him. He could always tell if someone was into him. He knew when Pepper was into him. The moment Rhodey gazed at him back in their MIT days. Every single reporter and heiress and model he slept with, he knew when their thoughts turned sexual or romantic. 

You, though. With you, he couldn’t fucking tell, and he knew it was because of his own feelings. Tony felt intensely for people before. Pepper, Rhodey, that one reporter all those years ago. However, with you, it wasn’t just that fluttery feeling in his gut or the immediate smile he can’t seem to stop when he sees you. It was the comfort he felt when he heard your voice or the softness he could feel in his heart when he saw a picture of you. 

It was like his entire life was full of panic, never resting, never stopping. But when you entered his life with a gentle smile and a quick wit, it felt like he could finally breathe. 

It was addicting. 

“Sir, I have the calculations.”

“Hit me.”

“Speech diagnostics of you and of Ms. (Y/l/n) are similar. Whenever you speak of her, 79.4% is positive and 18.8% is neutral. Ms. (Y/l/n) has  78.9% positive and 17.2% neutral dialogue regarding you. When she speaks of you, her heartrate increases by 4.6%, and similarly, yours increases by 4.1%. When speaking to each other, heartrate initially increases by 7%.”

Tony nodded. “How does this compare to other Avengers? I gush about Banner like a teenager.”

“Well, sir, while you and Ms. (Y/l/n) have high positive dialogue about other Avengers, all of them have at least a 10% decrease compared to each other. And heartrate varies depending on the topic of conversation.”

Tony snapped his fingers. “Am I excluding all non-super friends? Include any agents, co-workers. Pep isn’t an Avenger after all.”

Friday took two seconds and responded. “You and Ms. (Y/l/n) have a significant difference in speech diagnostics when talking about or to each other compared to any other Avenger, co-worker, and friend.”

When Tony remained quiet, Friday added, “Do you want me to repeat the results?”

“You don’t need to, Friday.”

“But you’re not doing anything with the new information. Would you like me to save these findings?”

“Friday,” Tony warned. 

There was silence as the love-wrecked scientist pressed his fist between his brows. Data and cold hard facts said yes, but was it right?

“Sir?”

“Yes, Fri?”

“Would you like me to play examples for you?”

He blinked. “Examples?”

“Yes. Of you and her talking about each other positively.”

It was an invasion of privacy. Tony shouldn’t. 

“Play examples.”

Before his rational mind could tell Friday no. 

“Are you in love with him?”

Tony’s eyes widened. This was too private. It might not even be about him.”Friday-”

“Of course I am.”

“-stop playback.”

“He’s Tony Sta-”

“Playback stopped.”

Tony scrambled. “What? No, wait, go back. Play it.” Screw rational. You knew he was a narcissist. You wouldn’t expect him to hear that and stop. 

“He’s Tony Stark. Who isn’t in love with him?”

“Then, why don’t you tell him?”

“... He’s Tony Stark.”

Tony started to fiddle with something on his desk. “What does that mean?”

Friday answered, “Dr. Banner asked her if she loved you, and she said yes. This means that she’s in love with you.”

Why did he program Friday like this? “I know that. I mean, those two lines. Why does me being Tony Stark stop her from saying something?” Was it the attention? Did you want some sort of normal life away from cameras and international gossip? Maybe it was the Avenging. Having a partner who was always out risking death wasn’t ideal. 

Sure, you could be in love with him. But you couldn’t be with him. 

“Maybe you should ask her.”

There were celebrities who were able to live normal lives. Some paid to have prosthetics for going outside of moved to a remote country to get out of the spotlight. He thrived off attention, but he could give that up. Avenging, he couldn’t give that up, but maybe he could cut back. Take a mission a month instead of one a week. Or maybe take more digital missions. He wasn’t just Iron Man after all. He was a genius, could hack into the Pentagon if he really wanted to. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Maybe I could talk to her.”

~ - ~

The moment you put your bag down on your lab table, Tony said, “You’re gonna be mad.”

You narrowed your brows. “What did you do?” You pressed your palm to your chest. “Oh my god, Peter overwrote my data, didn’t he? Ugh, I know he said he’s great at managing holograms, but really, Tone, you should’ve given him a tutorial before giving him access.” You brought up your holograms to check your data and analysis. 

“That’s not it.” Tony stood next to you as you looked through your files. “I did something that invaded your privacy.”

You tilted your head. Closing the holograms, you took a deep breath and slowly asked, “How?”

Tony flashed an embarrassed grin before sighing. “You’re gonna be shocked, too, so prepare yourself.”

You did not know where this was going at all. What horrible thing could Tony have done? Steeling yourself, you took a deep breath and nodded at him to continue. 

Tony cleared his throat. “Usually, I can tell when someone has feelings for me. People are obvious about it, but you? You aren’t. So, I had Friday do some analysis on our speech patterns. Me, being in love with you, was one of my controls. You and your dialogue regarding me was the main variable. 

“Long story short, I accessed some audio of you and Bruce talking, and you said that you loved me but could never tell me.” He glanced at you. “So that’s why I need to apologize.” 

Your expression didn’t change. No, that wasn’t it. You, at first, looked confused. Now, there was just nothing. No expression. No wrinkled brow in anger of flushed cheeks in embarrassment. Nothing. 

Tony blinked. “You can shout at me now. If you were confused about when to shout at me.”

You licked your lips before taking a deep breath. “Ok, that was a lot.” You pursed your lips then opened it. But, you couldn’t really think of anything to say. You didn’t even know how to feel. “So you know that I” -you pointed at yourself and then at him- “and that I didn’t wanna tell you.” You shook your head. “Wait, do you know why I didn’t want to tell you?”

A broken scoff left Tony’s lips. “Yeah. I’m a mess.”

It was your turn to scoff. “Wait, you’re a mess? That’s why you think I don’t want to tell you?”

“Among other reasons?”

Other reasons? 

You crossed your arms. “Ok, what other reasons?”

Tony looked offended. Still, he listed, “I’m surrounded by cameras, and everyone wants some privacy. Can’t get it if you’re with me. Then, there’s the Iron Man of it all. I went into a wormhole with a nuke. That was also all over the news. Then, there’s the whole daddy issues thing. I’m working on it, but it takes a while-”

He rambled on and on, listing reason after reason, and with each one, you felt tears well up in your eyes. It was a weird mix of heartbreaking, confusing, and enraging. The emotions built up slowly with each word that left his mouth, overwhelming you to the point that you couldn’t even say how it happened. 

But, as Tony paced and talked so horribly about himself, you somehow ended up in front of him with your hands on his cheeks. 

You only realized it when Tony stopped talking and when his breath touched your lips. “What?” he asked. 

You didn’t answer. You kissed him instead. 

It was a hard press of  your lips against his. It was short, and it wasn’t much. 

But by the way Tony gripped the back of your neck and pulled you back for another kiss, you’d think it was his first kiss. You knew it wasn’t. Not just because you knew he had kissed all sorts of people before you, but because he somehow knew how to make you gasp and melt into him. 

While one hand kept you steady, the other trailed down your back and pulled you closer to him. His lips moved fluidly against yours, pushing and pulling, and everytime he moved back, you chased his lips to continue the kiss, because the softness, the passion, the fact it was finally happening, was all too good. You didn’t want it to stop.

Your hands started to move. For someone so rich, his t-shirt was rough when you twisted it between your fingers and pulled it to you. Slowly, you trailed your fingers along the side of his neck. You rubbed your thumb along his pulse point, a reminder that this was indeed real. You were kissing Tony Stark, and- He was pulling away again.

Desperate, you leaned forward, reached around to hold onto his shoulder, and kissed the side of his neck. 

He let out a breathy laugh, and before you could suck on his skin, his stubble scratched your cheek. 

You looked up at him and giggled when his nose bumped into yours. When your giggles turned into a smile, he kissed you again, a soft and short kiss, before leaning his forehead against yours. 

His thumbs rubbed circles into your waist as you lightly scratched the back of his neck. He didn’t say anything. In fact, he seemed busy gazing at you.

“Speechless, Stark?” you teased. 

He laughed. For a few seconds, he just gazed at you, seeming to prove your point. Tony’s hand began to wander, from stroking your cheek to pushing back your hair. “More confused.”

Remembering why you interrupted him, you brought your hands to his cheeks again and held him there so he couldn’t look away from you. “You are amazing, Tony. That’s the reason I didn’t want to tell you.” You shrugged. “You’re too good for me.”

His fidgeting stopped. “Well, that’s not true.”

“Tony, you’re an Avenger.”

“Technically, you are also an Avenger.”

“You’re a genius.”

“Who can’t cook scrambled eggs.”

“You literally saved the universe.”

“After producing weapons of mass destruction for decades.”

You glared at him. 

He glared back. Then, he fought back. “I don’t plan on retiring.”

“Wouldn’t want you to.”

“I have severe PTSD, anxiety, maybe ADHD, all mixed with trauma galore.”

“And I will learn to help you.”

“I couldn’t give you a normal life.”

“I’d rather have you anyway.”

He opened his mouth, but you instead told him, “I’d rather have you than anything. As long as, well, for as long as  you’ll have me.”

He raised his eyebrow. “You sure about that?”

“Positive.”

Tony shook his head with a smile. “Cause, I’d rather have you for, well, how does til you get tired of me sound?”

You laughed. “Won’t happen. But, sure.” You kissed him again.You would’ve kept going, but there was something to settle first.  “By the way, Tony?”

“Yeah?”

“Is Friday recording right now?”

“Friday records everything. It’s in the contract.”

Friday added, “I record everything that happens in the tower.”

“Ok.” You could work with that. “I’ll forgive you for the invasion of privacy.”

Tony beamed, and you couldn’t help your own smile when he did. Still, you continued, “On one condition.” Your own smile turned devious. “I want evidence that Star Spangled Banner took my ice cream.”

Tony burst out laughing. He kissed you again, a deep kiss, and when he was done, he mumbled, “God, I love you,” against your lips.

[joyaphoria]

with the flowers (6)

part six: the world be damned.

pairing: suna x f!reader

summary: if a teacher had been the one to catch suna dangling on the edge of inarizaki’s roof, he definitely would’ve been in trouble. except it wasn’t a teacher that caught him, it was you—the school whore. yea, he’s starting to wish it was a teacher.

word count: 826

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

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‘okay, maybe im not getting a sob story,’ suna thinks, taking in the state of the home you invited him to.

it looks just like his.

he’d never admit it (frankly because that would just be rude), but he assumed that you were poor.

like, drowning-in-debt poor, house-falling-apart poor, etc.

and yeah, he gets how snobby that makes him sound, but could you really blame him?

“you’re here!” the front door is swung open and you’re there, smile brighter than ever. “oh, and you brought—wait, is that your sister?”

aiko—suna’s younger sister—offers up a cheeky smile, letting go of her brothers arm. “my parents aren’t home right now, they thought i should bring her.”

you pat her head, moving aside to let them in. “don’t even worry about it, i have a little sister you can play with!” you offer her your hand, and she hesitantly takes it.

aiko was more of a narcissistic bitch than she let on, but because suna had never had any female friends before (and he refused to take her along to any of his other friends’ houses), there was no one to really witness her swollen ego except for him.

“hanakooo!” you yell, while suna looks around.

yeah, he’s definitely not getting a sob story.

“this is aiko and suna.” you introduce them, and they bow respectfully. “look after aiko for me, okay?”

your sister nods, ushering the next girl up the stairs.

“how old is your sister?” suna asks, following you as you make your way to what he assumes is the kitchen.

“fourteen.” you say, tossing him a bottle of water. “same as yours?” 

he nods, and follows you up the stairs.

-

you laugh again, so hard that you think you might throw up. suna watches you, trying his best not to laugh too.

a soft “ah,” is let out, and it’s quiet again.

“why do you do it?” suna asks out of the blue, his back on your bed and his feet on the carpet, launching one of your stuffed toys into the air and catching it.

“if you’re gonna ask a random question like that, i’m gonna need a little context, pretty boy.” you tease, jumping onto your bed and causing him to nearly fall off.

you sit criss-crossed, and suna takes the initiative to copy you. “’donate pussy for money’” he clarifies, mocking your past statement. “why do you do it?”

“why do you ask?”

“well i mean, you live in a perfectly stable house, your parents both have jobs, you have food, i don’t get why.”

he watches as you burst into yet another fit of laughter, holding onto your stomach as if you were in pain.

“i dont have a dad.” you nudge him. “my dad committed suicide when he was seventeen, you know, jumped off of inarizaki’s roof.”

suna frowns, furrowing his eyebrows. “that isn’t funny.”

“oh come on, you know it is.” you smirk. “i wasn’t joking though, he really did commit. he wasn’t quirky enough to jump off a roof, but yea, he committed.”

if anything, suna’s confused.

you’re talking about the fact that your dad had taken his own life, and yet you’re still cracking jokes.

“you look ugly when ur serious.” you admit, squishing his cheeks together. “ease up a lil.”

“straightforward much?” he licks the hand closest to his mouth, and you shriek, yanking your hands away.

“i’m just saying!” you giggle, wiping your hand on his shirt. “it was way before i was born anyways.” you admit.

“wait, but if he committed before you were born, then hanako—”

“has a different dad, but he took off a long time ago.”

in suna’s book, he would definitely list this one as a sob story—except you weren’t sobbing. you weren’t begging for sympathy, for pity, or for him to understand the meaning behind your actions.

you did what you had to do, the world be damned.

suna admires you for that, something he himself isn’t able to do. he wishes he could do that, be like you.

(it’s not as easy as he thinks.)

“i do this for her, you know?” you say, once you’ve both ended up laying side by side on your bed. “for hanako. i wanna send her to a really nice college.”

“does your mom know?” suna asks, counting the little glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling. “like about any of it.”

“nope, i never take the guys home.” you respond.

“why hooking though? aren’t there better and safer options?”

“you mean like working as a cashier?”

“yeah.”

it’s quiet again, and suna has to look over at you to make sure you aren’t asleep.

“you’re probably right.” you shrug. “i guess i just like the attention; i like that people like my body, you know? it’s one of my best traits.”

he’s never met anyone with the same mindset as you.

(he can’t figure out wether or not he’s intrigued or disgusted—probably both.)

notes:

—  when y/n’s dad found out that her mom was preggo, he commited

—  so he’s never actually met y/n

—  hanako is y/n’s half sister, but it’s all the same 

—  aiko and hanako are besties now <3

taglist: @hotaruaizawa @its-the-aerieljeane @yourlocalbabybird @bakudummy @sunahyejin @satorinnie @lilith412426 @zukoslosthishonor @rintarovibes​​ @underiwa @m01k @rinsangel @iicherrycore @kamalymaly @lmaosuna @whorefornoodles @anngelllla @ohrintarou @call-me-lulu @imeowforu @tsuksdinonugget @namyari​ @bakugouswh0r3​

[doriook]

ok so i have never written anything here but the sweet home netflix adaptation left me w sm pent up anger i need to rant

⚠️obviously spoilers from both the webtoon and series⚠️

i was actually pretty excited abt it bc it seemed promising and on the first ep i was so happy to see the characters again obv had some complaints abt jisu’s hair but i thought i was to make her look modern?? even though her original hairstyle is still popular and it had a meAning but n e ways also abt the lil kids names:// mr ahn not being a baldy jsjskskd but minor stuff the bastard easter egg was nice tho

idk a lot abt cgi but i liked it and getting more into the plot or aspects from the webtoon they literally got rid of maria from the sky like wtf i was like ok maybe it was hard to make a chibi look like jisu irl bUT AT LEAST TRY A CHARACTER OMG AND WITH THAT they got rid of how hyun and hyuk met online and just their entire friendship/dynamic, aLSO lets talk abt mr wook pyeon THEY DID HIM SO DIRTY OMG he was like a father to those kids he cared for them and protected them maybe not from the very start but he developed and netflix just took that and threw it out the window jfc.

At first i excused the fact that they skipped how the figured out the burning monsters and earphones thingy bc only ten eps and all that bUT THEY ADDED SUCH UNNECESSARY STUFF LIKE AN ENTIRE CHARACTER AND HER ARC i mean like no hate to yikyung but they didnt make her likeable??? and then the entire trip experience adventure that was getting dusik to the first floor was also skipped like wtf???? and jisu even had a surgery when she didn’t even trip in the webtoon and performed by hyuk nonetheless like my boi is smart but yea.

now more things netflix deleted, i think the way would have scored more points in my agenda if they had given hyun is original bastard tracksuit 😭😭😭😭 aLSO WTF WITH THE ENTIRE TIME SEQUENCE OF EVENTS??? i dont remember the word for it srry) like jayhyun didnt make like past 70 eps and he wasnt even around when they tried to go out also ithey didnt put the two crazy girls the one scared of everything but got developement and the crazy one w glasses that in the series got replaced for a quiet girl that dies kinda unnecessarily also w that when they tried to go out mr ahn didnt die this time and died in a super boring way not heroic saving hyun and with that they ruined how the gangsters join and their past with wook.

ALSO THEY WENT TO THE PARKING LOT SO EASY BREEZY WHEN A WHOLE HAN DUSIK DIED IN THE WEBTOON

and that firefighter gave a tour of the city without any monster encounters like tf?

onto the gangsters arc they only kept the rapist one bc even the half monster one wAS A GOOD PERSON IN THE WEBTOON from that moment on everything went even more downhill bc w this newbie killing the boss as a human hyun couldn’t “die” protecting his friends from it as a monster.

also what abt the ships???? like i shipped jisu x hyun sm but here the only time they were kinda together was like two seconds for the song like no ❤️ also the eun x hyuk sibling luv (bickering lol) and netflix included the narcissistic dude bUT NOT WHEN HE TURNED A MONSTER THAT ONLY WANTS COMPLIMENTS LIKE W. T. F. and our goddess yuri dies wHEN SHE ORIGINALLY SURVIVES also wtf with netflix’s ending like the had ONE job IT WAS LAID OUT TO THEM AND THEY DIDNT CARE UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and this firefighter left them to die bc they all dumb aF and hyun got captured like god ugh i hate netflix but i love the webtoon sm but idk if i want another season

LIKE WHAT DID IT COST U FOR IT TO END LIKE THIS

a

and now a few scenes that didn’t appear but def should have

like seriously they didnt put jisu trying to sacrifice herself and hyun saving her and then hugging to give her appendicitis???? 🙄✋🏼

i would like to say i started this webtoon like early 2019 and read it weekly since then until its finale and i dont remember everything and cant quite check bc the webtoon is in daily pass so if you have read thw webtoon and there is something i missed pls tell me and if u want talk abt it or the series or both dm me;) i have no friends;)

nonetheless i bawled my eyes out hyuns backstory

[neverdoingmuch]

now hear me out,,, an au where lan wangji is an editor who works for an erotica publisher and wei wuxian is essentially chuck tingle. (also lwj writes romance novels on the side)

wei wuxian didn’t plan to write erotica he wants to make that really clear, he was actually studying like biomed or something equally “oh wow my parents can brag to the other parents about this”

but, as frequently happens in wwx’s life, he got drunk with nhs, like really drunk and they woke up the next morning with a laptop on the floor beside them and loose paper strewn everywhere

they don’t really remember what they were doing or thinking last night but they’ve both drawn a bunch of really shitty and weird porn (the less said about the anthropomorphic version of wen chao’s pet turtle the better) and wei wuxian has like 20,000 words of an erotica story on his laptop

when he starts reading it, at first he’s like haha what the fuck this is so weird but then it turned out to be really good??? and nhs blushed at some of the ~sexy~ scenes so that’s how wwx knew he was writing the good stuff

anyway they’re sitting there, eating their hangover food and wei wuxian goes so uh my story was good right? and nhs is like yeah it was, top stuff i would buy it and wei wuxian goes what if i actually wrote it,,, haha just kidding,,,,, unless?

and in his defence he doesn’t actually write anything for the story for another like three months but then he finds himself in the middle of exam season and he’s like fuck it stress relief let’s write some erotica

he finishes the book and his exams (which he does well in but whatever) and then spends his summer holidays editing the book

when he comes back, he slaps down a paper copy on nhs’ desk and is like i finished it. nhs, thinking he meant his latest lab write up, opens it up to a random page and starts reading it out loud which was a Mistake

he trails off mid-sentence, and whips around to glare at wwx with all the wrath he can muster. it’s raunchy nhs says and just read it wwx tells him so nhs does

like 2 hours later nhs turns to him and says if it wasnt for you and the librarian staring at me the whole time i definitely would’ve felt something and wwx is like so it’s good? and nhs is like fuck yeah it is but i dont get what you want from me?

pretty much wwx passed out after exams, slept for like 20 hours and then woke up and went i should publish this and decided that nhs should draw the cover art.

nhs agrees of course and a month later wwx self-publishes bc there’s no way he can walk into a publishing house with his porn and not just combust on the spot and he decides to go by the name yiling patriarch

wwx clicks the final button to upload the fic and nhs just toasts him and goes yknow what,, this is the closest you’ve ever gotten to having sex and i’m proud of you

wei wuxian is the man who guarded his first kiss for the first twenty years of his life for someone special,,,, wwx definitely wants his first time to be special and there’s no way he’s putting out for someone he doesn’t think is important & despite having dated before, he’s never gotten close enough to someone to go yeah let’s do it so our boy is still a virgin

so wwx’s entire erotica writing inspiration comes from porn, nhs’ way too in-depth answers as to how his latest date went and uh more porn

wwx blusters about a bit bc how is he meant to respond to that and nhs is like maybe you’ll finally move on from reading those trashy romance novels and read something more exciting and wwx is like how dare you call them trashy!! hanguang-jun is a master of the romance novels!! he understands the heart in a way that no other person has ever!! 

and nhs just chugs a bunch of wine and is like yeah hon okay, do you still blush when the main characters hold hands? and wwx is like no! of course not! (it’s a lie, he blushes a lot)

so nothing really happens with the book at first and wwx forgets about it for the most part but then he wakes up one morning and he’s got an extra like RMB 1000 (i dont actually know much about currency so it’s roughly $200 if my quick interneting is legit)

wwx is like wtf? and once he finds out it’s from his novel he’s doubly like wtf? but then he finds out that someone had purchased his book and did a dramatic reading on youtube bc wwx decided that regular erotica was boring and decided to make it satirical or whatever and people loved it??

he’s got nothing better to do so he just goes hm yeah remember that Author i dated who had an “incredible idea that would absolutely amaze The Critics and helped explore his own convoluted mind” let’s make something of that and he writes another book kinda mocking that idea in a very horny way.

he publishes it and someone writes a review of his two books on their blog and now he’s actually starting to get popular - he’s got more money from those two books than he did by working at the local cafe for the whole week

wwx is poor and broke and semi-disowned anyway by this point so he goes fuck it and spends every moment he’s not studying writing erotica. 

he publishes another like five books by the time the year is out (i know the maths isnt working here but this is a book world where wwx can just do that via the power of loneliness and friends who egg you on)

also?? he varies his books. some of them are porn parody things a la chuck tingle and some of them are genuine porn and one book was just him writing a recipe book but making it sound as horny as possible

by the time he’s published his like 8th book or so he starts getting reviews that are critiquing his book and most of them boil down to the fact that he needs an editor or something 

he ends up asking nhs for help and he’s like oh sweet my brother’s boyfriend works for a publisher who does that sort of thing

cloud recesses actually specialises in erotica and i hate the idea that lqr has spent years reading and editing erotica but sacrifices must be made

(side note that i know nothing about the writing or publishing process so pls don’t judge me too harshly)

wwx goes in with his latest manuscript and ends up arriving like ten minutes late, he rushes into the room sweaty and hot, takes one look at the guy sitting on the other side of the desk, flushes an even brighter red and runs back out of the room. he checks the plaque on the door and walks back in slowly and goes hm i didnt expect you to be so hot

cue lan wangji

lwj has always enjoyed being an editor. what do editor do specifically? idk? edit? regardless, he enjoys it. 

while most of the time he’s happy working from this side of things he also likes writing

lwj fucks. he deserves it tbh. but, while he’s had a tonne of one night stands and fuckbuddies, he’s never actually dated someone. so the fact that he’s writing romance novels under the pseudonym hanguang-jun makes his friend jzx laugh a lot

he tried writing porn once and he just couldn’t do it. it was always too clinical or vague and lacked any actual passion bc he was always going oh okay mc sucks a dick but the guy i slept with last week was like a 6.4/10 when it came to sucking dick so maybe mc should also be bad at it or whatever and it just ends up falling apart,,,, but romance he can do

as an editor lwj has pretty high standards for good erotica but he’s really found himself enjoying yiling patriarch’s work even though he’s clearly just been editing himself so when the guy sent cloud recesses an email asking whether they’d be interested in his latest book lwj was ecstatic. 

he also didnt expect wwx to be so hot

anyway,,, we now get to enjoy a week of lwj thinking that wwx is super hot but even more annoying and then him deciding that annoying is hot and now wwx is just absolutely amazing and wwx is just panicking the entire time 

i want my publisher to rail me so hard wwx texts nhs and nhs just responds has he read the bdsm scene with the alien who has a tentacle dick and a knot yet? and wwx is like no??? nhs just goes shame, it will give him so ideas for if you ever grow a backbone and just ask him out

they publish one book together and nothing happened between them the entire time other than yearning and horniness,, of the heart and body. 

when wwx realises this means that he won’t get to see lwj again he immediately writes a new book and like a month later he’s back in lwj’s office, lying on his couch while whining about the cafeteria prices at university

lwj is very enamoured by the fact that wwx is writing erotica and studying biomed bc wow

they do this for like another three books and wwx’s eroticas evolve from here’s a dinosaur man fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on to be like here’s a dinosaur man with black hair and golden eyes and a stern look to his face fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on

and hanguang-jun’s latest book?? i dont want to say that this au’s version of wangxian is hanguang-jun finally finding inspiration to write porn (his muse is wwx of course) and writing the most amazing porn with feelings and plot novel ever,, but it is. 

wwx read it five times in the first week and when nhs finally tried to read it he was like uhhh wwx are you a narcissist, the love interest is exactly like you? and wwx is like ??? no???? he’s nothing like me??

anyway one day wwx gets called into lxc’s office and lxc is like so i’ve read your latest book (not the dinosaur man, a serious one with like normal people and not overly humorous thank fuck but still full of lwj yearning) and wwx is like okay? and lxc goes yes, see i was worried that you didn’t care very much for my brother but after reading your book i’m not so sure and wwx gets the weirdest shovel talk ever which is interspersed with like compliments for his porn writing skills

anyway lxc accidentally mentions that lwj writes books too and before he can take it back wwx is like who??? and lxc is like are you fucking stupid?? you told lwj to his face that you loved his books,,, he broke his theme of tender romance to write kinky sex with a character that’s a lot like you and wwx is like .,,,,,,,,, hanguang-jun??? HANGUANG-JUN???!!

lxc barely manages to confirm it before wwx is sprinting out of his office and across to find lwj.

regretfully for everyone else, lwj is in the lobby so thirty people get to hear it when wwx comes in and shouts LAN ZHAN!! back then, i really wanted write porn about you! ... i think i have actually? but i want to write porn about you and i want to be able to do the research to make it accurate! and i also want to go on dates and hold hands and feed each other food! and i love you a lot! 

lwj is dying inside bc his brother’s bf is there, his uncle is currently waiting for the elevators and a whole bunch of staff are also there but also wwx likes him??? dinosaur man was lwj??

he goes over and they make out for a really long time right there in the middle of the lobby but no one wants to get between them when they’ve been pining for so long

after that they start dating and they do all the romantic stuff but also,, let’s just say that the next book wwx publishes is a lot more creative than all of his previous books

and they become some writing power couple with horniness of the heart and body and sometimes wwx will be like hey lwj i don’t really know how the logistics of this sex scene will work and lwj will be like we could try it out ourselves? and wwx just pats him on the head and is like im sorry but you dont have enough dicks for it to work ),: better luck next time