#maybe go to medical school
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trying to calm down and think about my life without the dreadful feeling of failure
#it's ridiculous how long it's taken me to figure out what i want#and i still don't know what i want#but im trying to be soft with myself and telling myself that it's okay to feel left behind by everyone#it's not too late (grits teeth) it's not over for me (claws at the wall)#why does giving yourself time have to be the most painful process#but im calming down and ill slowly try to fix things no matter how long it takes#ill get therapy#maybe retake my a levels#maybe go to medical school#or more specifically a veterinary college#i've been reading on forensic pathology or zoological medicine which piqued my interest more than aerospace eng ever did#there's so much grief but maybe i can fix things little by little#txt#i can't believe im going to put myself through this again
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one of my favorite senarios to imagine to put yukio in is sending him 10 years into the future (with the exwires usually) and everyone from their class are like chill adults including himself working their boring ass exorcist job and hes trying to assert dominance over them as the teacher™ but they're all like bro why so serious?
#somehow in my future au i accidently made only the boys active exorcists im so sorry to all the women in aoex#they all passed but i think shiemi and izumo would leave to persue other passions but still be in ajacent fields#like shiemi still runs her exorcist shop#idk what izumo does maybe she still is an exorcist but shes on leave trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life#cuz so much of her adolescence was focused vengence for her family i think she would be kinda lost as an adult#ive said this a bunch of times but rin isnt actually an exorcist for the same reason izumo isnt#ive been kinda muddy on my own timeline but either he passed and left or he dropped out of school and ran away#i think hes like an independent demon slayer like a contract worker#so he still is basically an exorcist but not sanctioned by the vatican like as part of a mercenary guild or something#but he can still take exorcist missions if he wants to but usually its not worth it so he just helps out yukio or bon on their missions#i think after being a literal terrorist yukio got demoted and lost his license for a bit so hes still the same rank as he is now#but now hes medicated and he went to therapy#he has like no memory of highschool to almost a concerning degree and hes generally pretty muted but is still well liked#bon had a completely normal exorcist experience against all odds actually so did koneko except koneko went back to the myoda#and then shima got scouted for his amazing spy skills and works overseas#sorry shima ur not allowed to be an idol that might be the trigger for the bad end#anyway i think teen yukio would hate adult yukio because he thinks hes not allowed to be normal and happy#this is like the 4th time ive made this post like i said its one of my favorites#the reverse is rin going to the past and like tutoring the exorcist class#nobody wants to do yukio psychoanalysis but me so i gotta step up to the plate#jk theres a lot of good yukio fanfics#blue exorcist#ao no exorcist#yukio okumura#rin okumura
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HA I WAS RIGHT!!! apparently kui said in a modern au laios would be a minimum wage retail worker
#and falin would be a medical researcher...!!!!#for the fic that i have. yet to write lmao. i kind of had laios bouncing between retail jobs/construction#not going to uni and after he leaves high school (maybe even left in yr 10#side note this takes place in australia lmao.) couch surfs for a while and has trouble finding stable housing (aus housing market is shit)#when falin hears about it she wants to drop uni and help him out but he wont hear it#she suspends her studies for a bit to get him on his feet and they live together in gods tiniest flat#then she goes back to uni and voila. laios is a minimum wage retail worker#im putting this all here because the longer i put off writing it the less likely it is to get written lmao.#the point is ive got my finger on the pulse babey. i know what these characters are about
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(This is kind of a bit. I'm literally making a phone call tomorrow to university health services to register and hopefully later get a gender appointment.)
#maybe the real reason I went back to school#im joking#that and i want to go to grad school/become a monk#they better not tell me my health problems are an issue or it is going to be So Over#i have plenty of people telling me to do it i just need more Access and less Medical Gate-keeping
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hi fellow neurodivergent people
i hate to jump on the "i think i might have adhd" bandwagon, but if i think i might have adhd, how do i bring it up to my care team as a 28-year-old cis woman who was a massive overachiever until i couldn't keep up the ruse anymore?
#idk what happened when i got laid off it seriously is like my brain BROKE i cannot do anything#i have not done much of anything in a year. and i think it's bc my coping mechanisms were 1. self-medicate but ESPECIALLY do that while#2. overcommitting. because it kept me busy and distracted. i excelled in school because i could focus on it without it giving me anxiety#school was honestly almost the only thing that didn't give me anxiety as a kid. and i never felt quite Right like i didn't feel like i fit#in with my peers. i've always felt like a human being that isn't a person. like something's not quite right. i excel but i feel like i'm#doing it wrong because it's SO hard for me. i graduated my BA and BS programs with a 4.0#but it came with the cost of alienating all of my friends and family and becoming really reclusive and weird and distant and anxious#but i really just wanted to do well at the one thing i felt i was good at. which doesn't seem like something i should take note of#idk. my life feels like a claustrophobic box. i feel like i'm buried alive and i can't get myself out because i can't work#because i can't focus. but maybe i'm just stupid and lazy and want everyone to take care of me forever so i can continue laying around doin#fuck all. which i do a lot because i'm chronically ill. idk. like is there ground to stand on here. i literally have zero friends rn#and i feel so so so sos so anxious any time i am working because i worry i'm going to do something wrong or forget to do something or make#lots of mistakes that get me in trouble. i'm so scared of making mistakes it keeps me from doing anything at all. but i get so anxious bc#i'm not doing anything! i'm wasting time! and i can't focus on anything when i AM working because i have to get up and pace#like i HAVE to move around or i start to feel like i need to peel my skin off like i'm an orange#like. is it anything at all. or is this just me being someone who has Other Stuff going on
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At least twice a week since July I've had people thanking me for my neuroendocrine cancer education and telling me how often they use the resources I built them :') idk imposter syndrome is ever present and in healthcare you can even have thoughts of "Man, am I spending too much time educating/researching on poorly understood cancers?"
I'm still struggling to decide on format, but I'm currently compiling my research and resources to make a self-guided cancer education resource for my team. I really enjoy my job rn but I think focused cancer education would be nice to springboard into later in life once I finish learning about the inner guts of the ACA. I'm finally healthy enough to consider higher education, but the catch is my employer insurance is the only reason I can get my medical care...and leaving for school to be able to focus more officially on cancer education means I'd lose that medical care security :(
#Creepy chatter#Idk I think I want another few years at least in my field since I can sample each medical specialty but oncology is my babygirl#The emails I get from the NCI..boy you would not believe the insane breakthroughs we've had in just this year#Literally modifying cancer cells to 'I hope we both die' to themselves + treatment resistant cells#Hi hello we are learning to hijack cancer evolution to make it kill itself with a series of kill switches#But first I want to understand this busted but improving system and how to protect affordable care for the most vulnerable populations#I learn the jargon. I break the jargon. I make an education series. Repeat lol...#Anyway biochem is my fun thought for a major and then focusing it into an oncology arm#Or maybe just cellular biology to learn more about immune checkpoints + mRNA revolutions#Last time I seriously thought abt going back school I was 22 and got diagnosed with Forever Expensive Sickness#🧍Me when I...me when I want to work w cancer closer but my health is too expensive to maintain w school 🧍🧍#So I focus in the ACA until I can do school ig ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ do good where you are rn and all that#Cw medical#Cw cancer#Sorry forgot my tags lol...during my work day it's easy to forget
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#okay uh 😵💫#I didn't talk about it much but the last piece I drew REALLY got to me#Just the idea of Avery giving Finn a physical#and him laughing at just about everywhere Avery touches...#Like feeling his neck to check his lymph nodes... feeling his belly... Finn just laughing gleefully and Avery chuckling gently#at how cute he finds it... then when he gets to his gills and Finn says he's not ticklish there but by that time... Avery has already made#him laugh quite a bit#so he's looking forward to Avery tickling him more... which is why he makes that comment#but Avery is suspicious of that regardless because of how ticklish he is everywhere else... so he pulls out one of those extra fluffy swabs#/////////////#this is the part that really gets to me 😵💫 because of the knowing look he'd have on his face and the unceremonious way he'd start dabbing#it on Finn's gills just KNOWING it's going to tickle so when Finn starts laughing he can't help but tease a bit#but this is all predicated on a genuine concern for Finn's health... not just physical but also his disposition... his mental state and how#he reacts to things... like are his reflexes good - is he alert and attentive - do his lungs sound clear when he's laughing#jfc#I'm not much of a foot person but imagining Avery checking the webbing between his toes and him just giggling his head off#😵💫#yeah like#if I had the time and energy#I would've made that a comic#Medical stuff is REALLY getting to me lately and so are goddamn teachersssss... I can't decide which I want Avery to be for my AU#Maybe he works at a medical school and is both????#idk idk idk 😵💫#fluffychatter#really bad brainrot
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back in septmeber i got some kind of attack in the middle of lab so they sent me to the ER because they didn't want to take chances with me dying from chemicals but still made me pay the hospital fees myself. then i still had to go back the next week to finish my lab. then bad news happened last week and my. lab report is so fucking late. all these penalties. it will be worth fucking nothing. what did i go to the ER for they should have just let me die there #tbh
#i assumed it was some panic attack not sure all i knew was my heart was beating fast even though my emotions were calm#and i was red like a lobster#oh yeah all that time and waiting to go to the ER doctor and showing him list of chemicals i worked with#and paying medical fees#just for them to go “bro i have no fucking clue what happened”#easilyy top 5 bruh moments this year#i really did not want to go to the ER like i thought seeing the schools general practitioner was enough#but the lab tech was so kind to accompany me everywhere#and she was the one who insisted i go to the ER even when i was like “ehhhh its probably fine”#and i am weak to older women what can i say#....my life was a series of unfortunate events unfolding into this utterly unsatisfying conclusion#should have had an anime arc like...No...I cant let her down...I cant let my trip to the hospitals go to waste...i will..finish this...!#but nah fate said “have a reason to spiral back into depression during hell week. and its something you cant even talk about.”#..i sound like im complaining but i just like talking about my life like comedy with plot points and foreshadowing etc#anyway i gotta write 2 reports tonight#then i can finally drink that vodka i bought last week#or maybe i should write my reports drunk..yeah!#unironically might be a good idea considering how much i overthink these things to the point of executive dysfunction
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”you don’t look sick?”
ya well I feel it smartass
#Honest to god this is what I was told#Mr “I know how your body works”#I’m not even missing anything important anyway#If I went to school I would have no lessons#Just assembly and tutor and then I’d go home two hours later#I’m missing fuck all#You’re just pissed because you can’t skip work#Anyways#im not allowed to be sick because the better daughter did more in the show (because that’s how it works?????) and she’s not as sick as me s#Clearly I’m faking#Maybe the majority of my friends don’t cover their fucking mouths and I get sick from it?????#That’s true#they dont#I hardly ever have time off school and yet when I do I get yelled at for “being truant”#I used to get sent home constantly when my period made me sick#Like I’d say I’ll stay in school and they would send me home anyway#And I would come home to all sorts of verbal abuse because “it wasn’t that bad” and how I just had to deal with i#When in reality when I consulted a doctor about it they prescribed me medication to stop it#Which I get criticised for taking
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I honestly really wish I had my ketamine today instead of last Friday and next Friday. I'm doing every other week, but I've been feeling really depressed the last few days
#like yesterday i was literally lying on the couch crying because i couldn't feel joy from activities that i usually do#and i was struggling to even eat because nothing sounded good because depression just makes everything feel so dull#and i was struggling a lot at work too which has usually been better for the last few months#idk it's probably partially situational because of the election#probably triggering my feelings of hoplelessness#i was also pretty stressed about registering for classes for the spring because you can't register while on a medical leave of absence#but i got that sorted out and was able to register. i should have a decision about whether they decide to reinstate me by the end of the mon#maybe going back to school will be good for me. I'll have lots of assignments and studying to keep me busy#and maybe it will be helpful to be surrounded by peers even though most my friends have graduated#I'll probably try to get drunk and watch a movie with my bunny tonight
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ok bear with me as i work through this because we just did embryology 1 2 3 and 4 in the space of 2 days and probably like 3 hours and if we're saying that the embryo (ok. blastocyst??) implants in the endometrium but ALSO we're saying that periods are affected by stress (which then must mean that the hormones affecting growth of endometrium are affected so there's less endometrium) (if we're saying specifically that the effect is a lighter period) (and it can't be that stress affects anything else because the amount of cells dying can't change ???) then does that mean if mama is stressed pre-sex but manages to get a viable embryo in the uterine cavity does it just. not implant??? is stress killing these maybe babies?????
#chaos.txt#do i sound pr* life i promise im not but im on my period rn and it's so weird and strange like its day 4 and i've not had ONE heavy day.#forget heavy. like its nothing. there's barely anything. minimal cramps is pretty normal for me but this has been NOTHING#its crazy!! so anyway i got thinking about embryos and whatever. also i love the phrase maybe babies#i probably sound a bit mental and im sorry ive just been awake for like 16 hours and done like 8 hours of active working . that's so fucked#medical student#i will end up just looking this up but if any darling med students/doctors/nurses see this PLEASE tell me if im just going crazy#<- i say as if that isn't hugely implausible#embryology#medical school
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*banging metal objects together*
if your patients don't understand what you tell them, you are not an adequate or effective healthcare provider !!!
#mine#im actually tired of talking to people about their health and discovering that they barely have any idea whats going on#because they cant remember what their provider said and no notes or lit or resources were offered#not knowing their medication names or what they do#not knowing the side effects#not knowing what their conditions are called or how they work!#if you can't communicate with patients you HAVE A PROBLEM#you HAVE to meet them where they're at!!!!#and maybe this is very bachelors in communication studies of me but PLEASE#for the love of fuck#medblr#nurseblr#med studyblr#med school#med student#healthcare#medical assistant#and i don't mean like they don't know the specifics bc of a knowledge deficit#i mean if they don't understand when to take their meds and how#ur failing ur primary job !!!!!!
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hallo friends and pals, pronoun update to he/they 🧍 also in bio now that i decided to be more of a person on here
i've always been flexible and they/them is still ok just trying to deal with the growing unease inside me about my best self and what i could be if i leaned a bit more into my natural self and forget propriety.
#let's go social transition!!!!#at school too in the social sector (teaching) my colleagues and boss. super supportive of nb!hugs#in the STEM sector??? engineering??? oh nononono. non non. and silly girl don't bother with electronics even though i topped my class#and carried like 5 freshmen boys through the exams#be so fr i take my place as a woman very strongly. medical and educational gaps are real and i carve out space for that#but i also ... know i don't belong in a more social sense#tw gender dysphoria#??? maybe#it's not that deep i think but i lend credence to my emotions#most ppl just call me hugs HAHAHA no pronouns needed#doesn't hugs have such a they/them vibe?? i love it. if it could be my legal name i would. idk#for the record i've been a they all this time. he used to be a bonus but now feels nonneglible to my life so id be so so grateful#if you could help me along 🙏
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Hey baby girl?
What
#maybe it’s because I have a sister who’s applying to medical school right now?#and I’m a more creatively oriented person who studies film production and film history#but I straight up can’t imagine who would be like#Yeah! I’m going to study medicine. One of the hardest things to learn. For fun!#Meg is on some other shit#live read#re-alr
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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...
#love that when ur stressed and having a bad time it makes ur menstrual pain worse so you feel even more awful#like. yes. id love to get things done but unfortunately i need to go home immediately at 2pm bc i feel physically ill. vibes wretched.#im considering sleep here at 6pm but 2 b fair i think i only slept 4hrs last night. woof. tomorrow is gonna b interesting#i think the allergic reacting is abt over now tho. like im not really itchy anymore. the rash is still visible but i think its just dry now#bc of the cold. so was i ever reacting to the tatto0? or was it all the medication? im so interesting in what happened#would i not have had a reaction if i hadn't got a bunch of holes poked in my skin? or was it just a coincidence#that the rash started on that arm? ugh. so frustrating. and i think the psychiatrist forgot to actually book my appointment from when we#last talked so idk. maybe if i watch t4skmaster over and over it will heal my soul#ay. its all very frustrating. and i still dont have fucking autoclave access. fuck off. just give me the fucking key code#i just wanna pour plates 🫗 lol that actually looks a lot like pouring solid media. i dont wanna have to steal someone else's card to open#the door. who even locks up an autoclave??? they didnt at my old school and u could wheel a body into that thing. im pretty sure it was#bigger than this one. also there's another unlocked on on campus. why?! i ask ppl and fucking no one knows. that's just how it is#ugh. i should go to sleep. my tummy hurt#unrelated
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