#maybe cause it would seem like im putting part of this burden on them?

[kittykatinabag]

While I greatly enjoy the subject of place making in urban design, I utterly hate the amount of pandering to capital holders a lot (if not most) of current "place making professionals" do in their work.

[cherry-pop-elf]

Late Night Cutie Pie

Newt Scamander X Knight Bus Worker! Reader

((Can be read as platonic))

While working on the bus, a famous little face pops itself into the open doors. A sweetheart that’s been stressed out of his mind, and you do what you do best. Help those in need. Along with show you might have a talent for Nifflers, on top of a talent for flustering Magizoologists

Warnings: very adorable fluff, tooth rotting fluff, fluster newt, newt being painfully adorable, and of course TEDDY SHENANIGANS

“Ooooo we got a celebrity joining us tonight-!” You heard you coworker, a talking head, shout to you. You wondered who that could be, as you finished tidying up the beds. Ready for whatever lost soul is needing a good rest. Pillows fluffed, blankets laid out, and wheels oiled to keep people from flying.

“Oh no no. Im not celebrity-“ A almost timid voice would speak, as you hurried down from the upper floor. Once your shoes hit the ground, your eyes went wide with who they landed on. A man in a blue jacket, fluffy hair, and a suit case in hand. Newt Scamander. In the flesh.

“No way-“ You whispered, before those big blue eyes were on you. He gave a shy little wave, before rummaging in his pocket. Pulling out his ticket, and snapping you back to reality. As instinct, you were quick to sort it out. Not even needing to look at your hands, as you kept them on him. Snip, snap, POP, done!

“Normally we never pry, but uh. What’s a guy like you doing on a bus like ours-?” You asked. You were a Knight Bus Worker. You had to be social, after all. So being direct with people, no matter the face, is an important skill to have. One that was leaving him embarrassed.

“Well, seems you know who I am. Guess you can kinda put two and two together. Not many people trust that I’ll keep my friends under control.” He admits, with a smile that said it hurt him. They were animals. Not their fault after all. You won’t lie, though. It’s touching how he would simply turn those people away. Compared to following their rules, and leaving his friends behind.

“I mean, we’ve had the shadiest people come on here. Better to have Hippogriff shit on the bed than human shit. Least with a bird like that, you know they couldn’t help it.” You would put, rather bluntly, which had him smile. Knowing he wouldn’t be a burden to anyone on the bus, given you were being very direct with him. Compared to sugar coating, or babying him because of his Hufflepuff nature. People tended to do that, and even he was getting annoyed. A welcome change it was.

“I’ll take you to the upper floor, so you can have more room. Not a lot of people go up there, because of motion sickness. So you’ll have plenty of room to stretch your legs-!” You comforted, as you were making his night. A place to actually rest, and work with his care. You were just his angel. He wanted to hug you so badly, and you can tell with his arms tensing. Once a Hufflepuff, always a Hufflepuff.

“Bring it in-“ You reassured, and he nearly lifted you off the ground. Made you wheeze, but you couldn’t deny it. Hufflepuffs gave the best hugs. Not many people liked to treat you more than part of the bus, so it was a very nice change. Felt good to get a hug.

“Truly, I am so grateful. Be nice to sleep in a bed for a while. Not to say I do not enjoy nature, but we all live in certain environments for a reason after all." The older man said, when he finally set you free. Must be so hard, world traveling. Maybe he was home sick, so he was back in England for a while. Maybe animals were in need. Who knows! You just know he needed rest.

"Come on up then." You would escort him to the second floor of the double decker bus, and would lead him to a freshly made bed. You also made sure the frame was secure, wheels smooth, anything that could cause issues in his stay. Just wanting him to get some rest. As you did, you were not aware of Newt having a panic attack behind you. The moment you turned; he quickly hid his suitcase. Smiling big, with eyes darting everywhere.

"Doing alright? Seem a bit shaken, what's up?" You asked, as he keeps his nervous smile. A tug at his collar, before his eyes were now staring at something behind you. That made you raise a brow, before you slowly turned around. Just as you did, something jumped on you. You gave a shout, before you were tumbling into the once Hufflepuff. Both of you crashing to the ground.

"TEDDY-! NO! WEVE BEEN OVER THIS-!" You heard him shout, as you were helped up. Now you had a niffler choking you out, given he was dangling off your lanyard. Now knowing it was a niffler, you weren't upset. Your lanyard had many shiny pins and buttons. It can't be helped.

"Aw, you want a pin?" You cooed, as you soon scooped the little gremlin into your arms. Him still holding the lanyard, as Newt calmed down. Surprised to see Teddy calm as well. Just looking up at you with those big eyes. Sparkling with desire. You knew what to do, given many a child has ridden the bus. For one reason or another.

"Here is a nice shiny pin, all for you." You smiled, as you rummaged in your pocket. Soon you had a pin in hand, designed to look like the knight bus. With glittery windows, that made it sparkle like stars. That had the niffler let go of the lanyard, and make grabby hands for the pin. Into his tiny hands it went, and he hugged it tightly. A little chirp of happiness, before it went into his pouch. Safe and sound. Now he was satisfied, for the time being.

"Amazing..." Newt whispered, before he would take Teddy back. The little guy was quick to pull the new possession out, and showed it to his dad. Newt gave a 'ooo' and his eyes sparkled all the same. Just like a father, to a toddler. Melted your heart, to see a bond. How he kissed Teddy's head, and he gave chirps of joy.

"You have a talent for animals, I can see it clear as day. Teddy is always a handful, but like that you had it under control. No panic, and quick to find a solution. Amazing." He praised you, resulting a heavy blush on your face. What a praise and honor it was. Newt Scamander, praising your skills.

"Toddlers and nifflers are basically the same thing." You brushed off, before the bus was quick to make its sharp stop. You didnt move a inch, of course, but the father and son went flying. You winced, when Newt slammed into the window. He did, however, made sure to keep teddy wrapped around his arms. Pressed into his chest, so that the little thing suffered as little damage as possible. Such a pure soul.

"There is a reason we have complinetry sleeping potions and pain killers. Check the bedside table, back to work I go!" You waved goodbye, with Teddy waving bye as well. Since his dad was busy with new back pain.

Just like how it always was. Taking tickets, escorting newbies, comforting lost children, punching a drunk here and there. A typical night for the bus. As it was getting closer to the end of your shift, you would go and check on the famous celebrity. Up the stairs, and to the second floor.

There he was. His brief case locked to the bed frame, with an enchanted chain, and his coat hung up. His face pressed into the pillow, showing his knocked out face. Drooling, in a much needed rest. All the while little Teddy was snuggled close to his father. His face tucked under the man’s chin, and tiny hands hugging his dress shirt close. Safe, under the man’s arm.

You would sneak over, and make sure the blanket was pulled high enough for him and Teddy. Poor souls needed it. You wouldn’t be surprised if he would spend a few nights here. As if you would complain. The company would be needed, and who knows. Maybe a Pest Control guy would be needed. Sure get wild animagi coming in sometimes.

With Newt tucked in, and adjusting the pillow for Teddy, you would return down the stairs. All to be teased by that talking head for growing overly friendly with the celebrity. All it took was a flick, and he was spinning. That had you laugh, as you stretched.

Never a dull night, on that bus.

[atlaskrr]

im scared im phasing into a depressive phase AGAIN. i dont wanna go back to when i couldnt even brush my teeth and sat on a window contemplating every day but it feels like i might. things are better but everything still feels so weird. yeah i have friends now but im just kind of there. i realize that my voice is just never loud enough. whenever i try and speak up or voice something not just to friends but in general nobody hears or listens to me i feel like i did when i was a kid again. and then someone else says what i said and theyre seen, people listen. worst part is its also my other friends so i just feel shitty of beung envious of them. i see people whove spent less time on their skills and just why are they so much better than me. i just realize how the person i click with best has their own friend group and then in my friend group my 2 friends click better together than i do with them so what am i then. and i have no mativation to do anything these days, nothing of worth anyways. so when im there and theyre talking its like im invisible and maybe i should just start talking and i try but sometimes nobody hears me and i dont feel like trying again in case they did but just didnt react or cause i didnt want to disturb their time with others or maybe i didnt speak up at all in the first place cause i feel so empty and tired which sounds so cringe amiright but how tf else do i describe it. i just want someone to ask me something or try and get me included why do i always have to take innitiative or question if somethings an open invite. thats just friends. at home my dad had an outburts, bruised my brother, and made my mom feel useless recently. then he starts acting all nice and ik hes just trying i mean his family are a bunch of trash but i just cant anymore. i feel like im the one breaking thw family apart now by being angry and spiteful and distant and i feel like im becoming my dad and the thought makes me want to throw up. but whenever i see myself acting nice to him because hes being nice it makes me want to throw up too because hes part of the reason my moms depressed. and i realize i dont even know who i am or what i want i lack the direction or long standing passions everyone else does. the only consistent thing i have is writing but i dont write a lot like other writers and nobody cares for it its not that impressive. ive managed to tone done my old tendency to tell small lies to seem like im so simillar to other people but its still there so in reality nobody really sees the true me (great im sounding cringe again but once again cannot find the words) i think thats why i love rp and writing sm because i can be someone with a set mould and identity. meanwhile im a walking contradiction with blurred lines. i think if i dissappeared people would be sad for a bit but theyd move on faster than youd think. it wouldnt be hard to go back to normal because i wasnt much part of it. maybe my parents would be the saddest but theyd be happier after no. worst part is i often put my emotional burden onto my friends and i feel like the shittiest person for venting so i think theyre nice out of pity. sometimes i exaggerate my problems so others feel more pity, so even if its not genuine ill feel like people care for me but at the same time i cant tell when im exaggerating or not. its more like leaving it vauge so i dont seem like the ungrateful bitch i am. cause my life isnt as bad as others so why am i crying and complaining. i come from a rich family with parents who are home more than other families. my parents are not pressureful and they are nice and i just lash out. i cant tell whats the truth of that situation anymore if im frank. i have a good amount of friends and a group, i have people to text and call. yet why do i still feel like this? i was just feeling happy yesterday. i really dont get it.

[meili-sheep]

hi! I'm not even sure if want to think about this but my mind just can't stop spiraling back to it. do you think the asshole aka crepus ever went physical with his children? because yes as you mentioned it he would be emotionally abusive but what if he went beyond verbal abuse. childe would break all his bones obv (and I would too) however im not sure if he was that horrible. also I've been thinking about how diluc (and childe ofc) would break the circle and raise their children without harmful expectations. diluc seems like someone who's conscious enough to recognise how unacceptable his father actions were and even though he still admires him in a way, his children would never ever get the same treatment as he did as a kid.

So the impression Crepus gives me. Is that he's a little bitch. He's a wimp who doesn't hold any accountability to himself. He throughs himself pity parties cause he didn't get ONE thing, and now everything he does is a failure. He's not really accepting that maybe it just wasn't his thing. And now he's placed that failure on his son.

If he did put his hands on his kids, it would have been spanking, and he would have played it off as "parenting," and he would have stopped as soon as he realized how strong Diluc was growing. So pretty much, he would have stopped when Diluc could start to fight back. Which with Diluc would have been really.

And my punishment for Crepus is me making sure everyone ones he's an awful better and slander him to hell and back.

I think Diluc did realize that his father was terrible. (why he's not bothered by parting with things important to his dad) But it took some time, it was probably well he was away from Mondstadt. And Diluc Is a very reflective person. He continuously looks at his past action and honestly holds himself accountable for his mistakes. (Which is why Kaeya gets away with saying nasty shit to him)

Diluc would be maybe a little overprotective. But never once would his kids feel like they were unloved or feel like they couldn't talk to Diluc about anything. He would never burden them with the winery or being a knight or hell even join the Fatui with their other dad. I think he would try to let his kids do "dumb shit responsibly" Because he would make sure to always support them.

But the real tea here is how once Diluc opens up about this to Childe. Childe would absolutely have the biggest hate boner for Crepus. I think He'd ended up (with Diluc's consent) telling his own parents. And Make sure they absolutely welcome Diluc and treat him like their own. And I think it would also Help Childe's Dad realize his mistakes (in sending Ajax to the Fatui) and help improve their relationship.

[comfreyhollywings]

Hey there, hope you’re doing fine. I’m here for the exchange reading game.

My initial is H 🤍

I’d like a general reading about my future spouse (everything you get) & what will lead me to him?

Vibes of your blog: It gives me dreamy and detached vibes. Almost out of this world and kinda isolating. I think the word 'remoteness' would fit like it feels distant in a way. But despite that it still gives a sense of something recognizable that it’s comforting in a way. A longing for connection/connecting.

Exchange:

I feel like you’re about to come to a realization or more like a shift will happen soon for or to you. This shift might involve you as a person, maybe you still struggle with figuring out something about and for yourself so what's coming for you is, I feel like it’s time for you to finally realize your self worth and begin to value yourself more. Definitely things around self love and self development.

You’re on your way to evolve as the person you're supposed to be. Someone who is comfortable and proud by being themselves. Someone who sees and embraces all the unique parts in oneself that make one unique and differentiate from others.

I also hear the word "freeing" -> oneself? So I think in addition to what I said above it’s time for you to release any negative feelings or thoughts that you might hold in yourself or those that might hold you from being your fullest self and let them flow away to free yourself from those burden.

That was everything I got. Even though it’s a little short I hope it may help you in some way.

Thank you in advance and have a lovely day!

hi there, h!! thank you so much for the reading! i’m actually beginning to see the shift happening so you’re definitely spot on with that. it’s a slow transition but i’m really letting loose on what i have to save that might hinder me from expressing myself, so you’re spot on!! and! also! the vibes are actually rlly accurate. you kinda,,,, described how im sorta like as a person so im glad to hear that it reflects my sole too JFGHDFG 

let’s get down to it, shall we? 

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personality: 

cards pulled out - 

9 of pentacles

8 of cups

7 of pentacles 

back of deck: king of cups 

bonus - queen of swords & queen of pentacles. 

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financially independent. absolutely knows their worth. your future spouse is one of those people where they don’t hesitate to walk away the moment they see that what they’re putting in isn’t reciprocated. they… really radiate feminine energy because the majority of placements i see are water and earth placements. might be mistaken as fire at first?? they don’t take no bullshit because they may or may not seem emotionally tumultuous. like their emotions are like a flood, and they have a very sharp mouth. blunt, cutting, straight to the point even if it might hurt someone’s else feelings. 

ngl, i have the feeling that they might look androgynous and/or they might like cosplaying as the other gender. they know who they are so they don’t need to be ultra defensive about their ‘masculinity’ or ‘feminity’ when they…. know they have both? kinda catty. pitched laughter considerably high. they know how to dress, tbh. when they cosplay as the opposite gender, they may resort to bright/warm colors that gets them to stand out, even though inwardly they run very deep. 

extra note: it’s so interesting because back of the throat was itchy. might have a vocal condition that causes their voice to be naturally deep when they don’t cosplay? i feel like they really like CORPSE. kinda edgy with their clothing choice. might need to drink water alot because their voice is so dry??? driest humor alive, my god. drier than the sahara desert. they also… might like kpop too? really being led to say that their favorite band is STRAY KIDS. 

they look… kinda similar to felix. i’m being led to say that might be their bias? freckles. dyed blonde hair. not really specified about their race?? might be australian but im not too sure? their stature is sorta.. ‘petite’? at least in their culture’s eyes. could be wrong. 

there's a song playing in my head called 'why tf you lying' and im getting the hunch that this person might be a lie detector?

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how you two will meet: 

cards pulled out 

justice rx 

2 of swords 

the sun 

back of deck: 9 of wands rx

¤━━━¤°¤━━━¤°¤━━━¤°¤━━━¤

might not seem ideal to the both of you? but i think you two will meet each other after bonding over mutual hatred/dislike over something unfair that happened to either one of you at a legal meeting. or trial. i think you might feel sorta at a loss what to do with this person in particular because they’re just so.. Out There?™️ like they blow your expectations out the water but at the same time.. they leave you… so confused over how you two may meet. because you’re kinda dealing with some other thing about this legal case that might get you pissed off or irritated for whatever reason, and you might project this to your f.s? like the whole situation is fueled by exhaustion but i think later on from meeting them, things actually start to brighten up for you. idk if this is important but i feel like you guys actually might hit it off right after the rlly exhausting trial for you two since they’ll start to crack dry-ass jokes left and right. again, im saying that their humor is immaculate. a bit child-like too. 

so! yeah! that’s what i have for you! 

hopefully these all resonated!~ 

[septic-skele]

UT - Sooner Than Someday

Summary: Overwhelmed in the haze of a fever, Sans vents to his father about the secrets he keeps. The problem is that it isn't actually Gaster in the room, just a brother who looks very much like him.

A/N: Based on the idea that Sans has told Papyrus about resets before, but it never manages to change his Genocide fate and in the end, Papyrus forgets.

The face of his father was swimming over him, mouth moving in sounds and syllables that barely translated, and Sans had to strain to keep him in sight. His eye sockets felt like they were melting to the back of his skull, vision wavering to a blur, but whenever he considered dipping into the haze of blackness, Dad shouted.

Too good at shouting, he and Papyrus. It came naturally to them as upper-casers; they didn’t even seem to notice their own noise. Right now Sans’ head was already crowded with so much thunder; he couldn’t stand one cacophony bouncing off of another. He had always hated raising his own voice but he wished now—He wanted the strength to scream back at him.

Do something! Help me, fix me, just make it stop, please!

As it was, all he could do was fling out desperate hands, hoping some kind of relief would be in his reach. A fistful of Dad’s shirt was only a distant flicker on his radar beyond the fire trapped in his bones. This fever felt like thousands, millions of white-hot pokers piercing as one. Every shudder of pain urged them on, stoking faster than damp cloths could counter.

There was nowhere he could twist or turn to escape; he couldn’t pry free of his own body. The throbbing heat in his ribs was too full. He couldn’t breathe.

Internal combustion of a magical fuel occurs with an oxidizer in a combustion chamber that is an integral part of the working fluid flow…

The end was already in sight: give it just a little more time to accelerate and his soul was going to explode. A guttural laugh, bordering on a wheeze, burst from his parched throat. A much cooler, hotter way to die than a knife to the chest; his own body would rather suicide-bomb than give that dirty kid the satisfaction. Could he call that a blaze of glory? A blaze of…copping out before the difficult part?

He had to let Dad know beforehand, he realized with a sharper, glass-like clarity. He’d pay attention. He’d want to put the damp cloth down and take notes.

Whatever intelligible sentence he managed to string together, it did make Dad falter for a minute or two—but where Sans had anticipated him shifting to grab a pen and paper, he made a different move.

When cool palms cupped his cheekbones, Sans flinched, staring with bleary confusion into familiar eyelights glowing gold and violet.

“—brother—know what—Papyrus—”

Confusion buckled and gave way to alarm as he jerked his head back against the pillows, almost wrenching free. A gasp caught roughly in his throat, forming a cough in its wake. No. No, he wouldn’t. He hadn’t.

I didn’t tell him, honest. In this timeline, at least, he’d swear to that. I didn’t tell Pap anything.

 ________________________________

“Brother,” Papyrus pleaded again, thumbing beads of sweat from Sans’ cheekbones. “I don’t know what you will understand in this state but I am right here for you! It’s Papyrus.”

He had hoped his presence would have a reassuring effect, but judging by the delirious panic that took over Sans’ face, it was a lost cause.

“I din’ tell him,” he whispered hoarsely, shaking his head. “Din’ tell ’im anything.”

“And that’s precisely why we’re in this predicament now!” Papyrus snapped, taking up the cold compress again in one hand. “If you had only told me sooner that you were burning up, I could have done something to prevent this!” But of course, he never tells me. I should have noticed.

Sans only seemed to register the frustration, not the worry. Cringing, he lowered his voice to a croak. “I can’t do it. Can’t get him caught up in all this, he’s too—he’s too—”

“I appreciate the sentiment, but I’ve been ‘caught up’ in all of your trouble since I was old enough to walk and frankly, I think I’ve coped with it better than you have!”

“I’ve tried it before.”

Papyrus couldn’t help but stiffen at the sudden, keen edge of brokenness in Sans’ voice then. His brother hiccupped, a pitiful attempt at a laugh as he faltered on.

“I’ve tried an’ it jus’ never works. Never does anything t’help. I talk to him an’ he hears me but he doesn’t listen.” His sockets welled. He was trembling from more than the fever now. “He jus’ can’t let it go, he keeps coming back an’ being so good an’ it—it never makes anything right. I can’t do that t’him! Jus’ be so selfish of me, jus’ make him hurt like I always do an’ it wouldn’t change a thing!”

The tears ran free of his control, streaking through the sweat to dampen the sheets under his chin. Sans had never wept so openly; the sight was almost a shock to Papyrus’ system. For a minute he sat frozen, cold cloth loose in his fingers. In what seemed like shame, Sans turned to hide his face against it, muffling a pained moan.

“I din’ tell him…Won’t try again, I swear…”

“Sans.” Swallowing against a sudden knot in his throat, Papyrus moved his free hand over the crown of his brother’s skull—a familiar gesture, one Sans had offered him so many times when he was young and frightened. “Nothing you say or do will make me—will make Papyrus love you any less. He’s better than that. He’s greater than that. He wants you to know you can trust him. He wants that more than anything! And if you have before, if you’ve tried and he hasn’t listened properly…I know that he’s sorry. He would want to try again. Whatever burdens you’re carrying, it isn’t selfish of you to share. That’s…That’s what family is for, to make everything a little lighter.”

Sans’ jaw clenched, a shuddering breath hissing through his teeth.

“All Papyrus wants is to help you, to see you better and happier. Please, give him another chance, won’t you? Someday?”

After what felt like an eternity, a fainter sigh, weighed down with grieved defeat. “Maybe…someday…”

It wasn’t a promise, but it was all Papyrus had. Now to pray that someday came sooner than he’d think.

[olivieraa]

watching LOTR in six parts rather than three so just finished the fifth today

my opinion on Frodo still stands. I remember it being around the part where the spider came in that I was like UGH FUCK FRODO back in the day, but... when you have some convincing bastard talking in your ear, corrupting you, while the ring is bringing out your dark side, you’re... gonna fuck up! 

like in the end, people were INSTANTLY affected by the ring. Frodo wasn’t. he lasted that long. even when the ring was taking over him, it was pretty far into the journey before that happened. and then from that point on, Sam was always there to stop him.

Sam 100% is the true hero, but he never had the burden of the ring.

I think of it like.... like chronic asthma lmao. I struggle more than my friends do with shit. I went cave diving and rock climbing and I almost died from lack of being able to breathe. he struggles to breathe too.

then in terms of female characters.

I wanna mention the new series but first, yeah, this movie does not pass the bechdel test. an elven queen, an elven princess and a human princess. both princesses in love with same man. queen helps men via gifts and whispers on their quest.

all these women are so important to the story tho.

and here’s my personal opinion. I do not give a SHIT about seeing women in war. in reality, men start and cause war. since the beginning of time. its their doing, so Im not gonna be a all ~feminist~ about it and demand more onscreen women by the way of participating in wars. these characters are also expendable. they’re there... to die. I don’t care that henchmen are always... men. I. DON’T. CARE. I dont know why any feminist would literally petition for more women in movies by putting them in battlefields. 

yeah, I get it with the avengers or whatever. individial heroes and shit. 

I honestly don’t see how any more women could have been in the story.

now in the new series, they show a female warrior.  she seems very mc. maybe there’s tonnes of them in there. the confuing thing about that for me is, this is a prequel. LOTR seems anti-battle-woman. if this woman is a big hero, how is her name and the fact that she’s a female who could kick ass, not known by the time LOTR comes out. wouldn’t women have then been trained alongside men for battle because they’re almost/just as capable? women are shown in LOTR as mothers/wives/have magic. only one woman wants to go to battle. just one.

I’d understand if this was POST LOTR and maybe SHE inspired more women to go to battle. but the acts of the heroine in the new series dont seem to be known or mentioned. 

I’m 100% all for more representation on all minorities. heck there’s a black hobbit with an Irish accent. booyah. but there’s a way to do it wrong. the sex and the city sequel... was so bad I’m pretending its in no way connected to my fave show. I hope this series is just... a series. like Stranger Things. all kinds of people and the show is just perfect.

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression - Ep 36 The banning of snacks and sweet drinks displays from next to cash registers.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san, welcome. Ok, today lets get straight on with it. Joe  could you please...

J: Yes, lets have a look at this news. Snack and sweet drinks displays next to cash registers banned in Berkeley, California, USA. In the university city of Berkeley, northern California, a law has been passed this week banning the sale of junk food next to cash registers in supermarkets. According to local media, this is the first of its kind in America. The law, unanimously voted for by Berkeley City council, targets cheap, unhealthy products next to cash registers which 'encourage impulse buying, and burden parents of children who want them', with the aim of promoting  healthy lifestyles. Products with over 5g of added sugar or 250mg of added sodium, and drinks containg a lot of sugar or artificial sweetners have been banned from sale next to cash registers. The ban will come into effect from next March. In the city of 120,000 people it will be imposed in 25 large scale supermarkets. The progressive city Berkeley, on the outskirts of San Francisco has been taking health initiatives before now. In 2014 they imposed a tax on soft drinks, and according to a survey from last year, consumption of soft drinks had halved by 2017.

K: Its true though, the cash registers over there have so many snacks near them.

J: They do, don't they?! They are really colourful. But banning it by law is really stepping in, isn't it?

T: Yeah.

J: The supermarkets aren't stopping it through self-restraint, its been forbidden by law, so if they do it will they be penalised?

T: Yeah, wow.

J: I think this is a warning that in America this kind of health damage caused by excessive additives and sugar in food is becoming a serious problem.

K: Yeah, people just end up picking it up.

J: When im waiting in line at the supermarket, its the same in Japan...in the convenience store in Japan, I wait till the last moment and always end up picking up those little Tirol chocolate squares.

K: Oh yeh, they have those out, don't they?

J: They do! Don't those chocolates just call out  to you at the last minute? I always end up buying a few.

T: I  buy 'Bikkuriman'. For the sticker.

J: Oh yeh. Still?

T: I just sometimes get the feeling like I want to open it. I reminds me off old times, haha. I throw it away straight away though.

J: Kaoru, what about you?

K: I don't buy that stuff.

J: Oh, you don't?

K: No, I just buy what I was intending to buy before I went. If Im walking around the store and I see an interesting new product or something, I might buy it, but the stuff near the cash register seems more like left over produce to me.

J: Ah, close to expiring?

K: Yeh, it looks like they really want you to buy it, so they put it there. I don't really feel like picking it up.

T: Ah, I see.

K: But in supermarkets they have gum and stuff near the registers, don't they?

J: Yeah.

K: I do buy gum.

J: Ahh, yeh...Kami? What do you think?

Kami: I pick all of it up.

T: Nice, Kami.

Kami: I get tonnes. 1000yen worth.

T: Haha

Kami: Maybe 500yen, not 1000.

K: Do you like sweets, Kami?

Kami: Yeh, i do. I pick them up straight away. Um, there's often drinks on display too, right?

J: Yeah.

Kami: If there's cola or fanta, I will buy both.

T: Haha

Kami: If I go to buy tea, I will buy all that.

K: You like sweet stuff, right?

J: Yeah.

Kami: No, its not that. Its just that it all looks delicious. It makes you forget *1

T: I see, yeh.

J: In that sense, its part of the store's strategy.

T: Yeh, Kami seems like he would hate that kind of strategy, but he still falls for it.

J: Yeh, he seems like he would be opposed to it, but he still buys tonnes, right Kami?

Kami: Yeh, I really jump on the bandwagon.

K: This stuff must sell a lot.

J: Yeh, I think so. This kind of food looks visually fun, right? Colourful and stuff. Kids get pulled in by it. Like, 'I wanna eat this!'. Its pretty amazing to pass a law in this. That would be impossible in Japan, right?

T: I feel like Japan has more freedom. I had the image since I was small that America is the country of freedom, but recently if you look at America, there is ban after ban...it seems like life there is getting more restricted. And in Japan, even with covid we can still go outside, or go to restaurants and stuff. It made me think Japan is quite free. Its a weird feeling.

J: Ahh, the rules in America are stricter?

K: Overseas, they were quite strict about indoors. Japan is only just getting like that recently, right?

J: Yeh, America was a lot quicker to regulate indoor smoking.

T: Its like that with alcohol too. When one of my best friends was in America during his student days, he once wore a Budweiser tshirt and he was told, 'Its illegal', and he had to change it. I thought that was pretty strict when I heard.

K: You can't carry it around with you either, can you?

J: Yeah, you have to put it in a bag.

K: I stepped outside a venue without knowing this while I was holding a beer can once, and I was told that isn't allowed.

J: Yeh, yeh, yeh. Well, it does depend on how you look at it. Its often said that in Japan, rather than having rules...well, in America there is a kind of society that is governed by rules, but in Japan its more about community, so rather than having rules, peer presure is very strong. People worry about what others think. Its very Japanese, 'other people are saying this, so...', or 'other people are doing this, so...'. People adapt themselves to that first of all.

T: I wonder which style is better?

J: Yeah. They are both different.

T: Its not nice being told by the government to stop something, is it? I understand the reasons though.

K: Well, people do protest that kind of thing.

Kami: But I think this law is good.

J: It is good.

Kami: I think its really good, because you can finish up without buying stuff.

K: Well, it is good.

Kami: Its really good. I thoroughly agree with it.

K: Kids won't pine for sweets either.

J: Yeh.

Kami: I do think its good to buy sweets for kids though.

J: Oh really?

K: Yeh, but just not there, right?

Kami: I wanted sweets when I was a kid.

K: Me too.

T: Yeh, me too.

Kami: I really wanted all those sweets by the register when I was a kid, but I never got them.

K: There are those socks full of snacks at Christmas, right? I wanted one of those.

T: Yeh, me too.

J: If you think about what made you excited as a kid, basically its the sweet shop, right?

K: Yeh, I used to go there.

J: Whenever I ate sour plums and stuff from the sweet shop, my tongue went bright red *2

K: They were crunchy, right?

J: Yeh! I would drink up all the syrup.

K: Haha.

J: I bet that would be no good under that tax in Berkeley.

T: Yeah.

K: Ahh, sweet shops...

T:???

J:???*3

K: I still feel like eating those kind of sweets sometimes.

J: Yeah. There aren't many sweet shops around these days, in the Tokyo area.

T: Yeah, there aren't.

K: But there are sections in other shops that sell those kinds of sweets.

T: A long time ago there was an izakaya in Sangenjaya that only served sweets as beer snacks.

K: Oh, there was, wasn't there?!

T: Yeh. I went a couple of times, cause its unusual, but sweets...

K: You can't withstand it?

J: After you become an adult, right? At first you are like, 'Woah, so nostalgic', but ..

T: Yeh, it gets boring.

J: You start to think halfway, 'this needs to be more tasteful!' Uh, in the precincts of Kishibojin there is apparently Japan's oldest sweet shop or something still there. Its a famous old man, or old woman who runs it.

K: I recently went to Kawagoe.

T: Oh, Little Edo!

K: Yeh, there is a sweet shop street there. The people there were amazing. Well, I mean they were all wearing yukatas and stuff, and eating.

T: Its made me want to go to a sweet shop!

J: Ah, there is a tonne of good places to eat there, isn't there?

K: Oh, is there? In Kawagoe?

J: Yeh.

K: As for sweet shops, the ones that have a downtown feeling are the best. 

J: Yeah.

K: Its nostalgic, going to the sweet shop in the evening, and getting those colourful squeezy things to drink...

J: Yeh!

K: And eating sweets at the same time.

J: Which was your favourite sweet, Kaoru? From the sweet shop?

K: From the sweet shop? I liked Curry rice-crackers, and 5yen chocolate, and those gummy type things in a box, that you pick up with a little stick.

J: Oh yeh.

K: I used to eat that kinda stuff.

T: What about you, Joe?

J: I liked plum jam, I sandwiched it between those kinda soft rice-crackers. And I liked the  Castella.

T: Oh yeh, they had those small ones.

J: Yeh, they were on a skewer. I used to eat them a lot.

K: Tasai?

T: I used to get those squeezy things too. And wasn't there always like a 10yen game outside sweet shops? I would win more sweets with that.

K: You won?? More sweets came out of the game?

T: It was like a 30yen ticket, right?

J, K: Ehh?

J: I never saw that.

T: Didn't you? Like, where you try to get the ball in the hole for ten yen? And if you win, you get a ticket?

K: Ah, I remember something like that where you can win, but I don't remember tickets coming out. It was little freebies. Ah, its nostalgic. Should we try going to a sweet shop on this show?

J: A sweet shop?? Should we??

K: Yeh.

T: Thats a good idea. With 100yen in change.

K: Actually, that place in Kawagoe was closed.

J: Haha, really?

K: I went all the way there, but..

J: Just for that?

K: Yeh.

J: Really?

K: Well, lets go to one on this show.

J: Yeh, lets do it! Film on location!

K: Ok, lets plan something. Lets fill ourselves with unhealthy snacks.

J: Ah, but it won't be that much.

K: Well, yeh.

J: It'll be limited to what you can get at the sweet shop.

T: Sounds good.

K: Is this ok? Us ending up talking about this?

T: Its ok, it feels good to talk about it.

J: It does, haha.

K: Ok, well, we'll finish here. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

*1, 2 Difficult to hear, but i think its this.

*3 Couldn't catch.

[husbandograveyard]

Hi hazel! I hope you're doing well, may i request a fem s/o of Shanks who feels invisible and is starting to get bitter because of it and Shanks comforts her? Scenario if you would. Please and thank you!

Hi Sky! :D As discussed in PM, the reader is now genderneutral <3 Im sorry it took so long but I hope you enjoy! 

Not weak, just loved - Shanks x Reader 

2nd person. Genderneutral reader. 1.5k words. Fluffy comfort fic. 

All the men on the Red Force were exceptionally talented. Years of experience, sailing all the seas, winning and losing battles, mostly winning though.... everything had contributed to the strength and confidence they now had. And it was necessary, after all, the crew of a Yonko cannot possibly be weak, especially not with such a small crew compared to the others. 

And yet. You were not as strong as the men on the ship. You were the only one who had only been there for a little while, not as a pirate initially, but as their captain’s partner of a few years. You were not weak, Shanks wouldn’t have let you sail with him if you were for your own safety. You could hold your own against most of the average pirates and other annoyances you ran into, which weren’t that many anymore, at this point most people knew who you were and knew better than to just attack part of a yonko’s crew without a solid plan, but compared to the others? You were nothing. At least that was what it felt like. 

Whenever the crew was training, you felt left out. There was nothing you could do really, unless they went really easy on you, but you could tell that they'd want to go all out sometimes, preferring to spar with crewmates they knew they wouldn't hurt in case something went wrong. You were "too frail" for that. It was often the main subject of their jokes, and you always laughed along with them, trying to hide just how much that actually hurt. 

Whenever they were sitting around a fire on an island, telling each other stories and reminiscing about islands visited years ago, you couldn't step in or add to the stories, your voice noticeably more quiet and soft amongst their deep and raucous voices. On top of that, you had only joined the crew a few years ago, and most of these stories were just that for you, stories. For you, they were not memories, but just stories that got wilder every time you heard them. 

It just all piled on. Negative after negative after negative. There were so many occasions where you felt weak, useless, a burden. And before you know those words were just on repeat in the back of your mind. You weren’t expected to help around too much on the ship, but you tried wherever you could, just so you could pass the time whenever Shanks was busy doing all his captain things, and you were usually sent away with some laughter and a comment that help was not needed. The crew did not mean this in any malicious way, just wanted to make sure you could relax and not overwork lest they had to hear the captain complain about them shoving work onto his love and tiring them out before he could do so, but to you, it just felt like them sneering at you for not being useful and you just felt yourself become more and more bitter every single time it happened.

Today you were finally docking on a new island after a few long weeks at sea. You were supposed to be excited about land underneath your feet, and new fresh food, but you could hardly find any enthusiasm to bring up. It would be the same as always. Supply shopping, maybe a little date with Shanks, which would be the highlight of your day, and then they would go to a bar, drink the place dry, get some more booze, and party on the beach until the sun came up again. Then the next day rinse and repeat until the ship was all stocked up and the log pose reset, and you and the crew would move onto the next island. You were not feeling up to it at all. You just knew that you would not be allowed to help load things onto the ship cause they were too heavy. You knew more stories would come that would never include you. And you were just not feeling up to that at all. 

So when you heard the familiar sounds of everyone running around, getting the ship ready to dock, you stayed in the bedroom you shared with Shanks instead of going out and watching the land get closer as you usually would do. Sitting on the bed, staring into the nothingness, your angry thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the door. It indicated that there was someone that had noticed your absence, but you ignored it, pretty sure that no one would really miss you anyway. 

The door opened, and in walked your red-haired boyfriend. You were surprised that he had even knocked on his own door, but you appreciated the gesture, certainly done to make you feel comfortable and like your privacy was respected. You couldn’t bear looking at him when he asked the question you knew was inevitably going to come up. 

“Is there something wrong?”

You shrugged. The answer was yes, but you couldn’t exactly say something about it. You didn’t want to cause tension the moment you were arriving on an island. He walked over slowly, sitting next to you and placing his hand on your thigh. 

“What’s up then?” 

You bit your lip. “I don’t want to talk about it”. He leaned forward a bit, trying to make eye contact, but you turned your face away. “Please Shanks, just go with the crew, leave me here for a bit.” 

He frowned. You didn’t sound extremely upset or sad. More empty and angry, and he did not want to leave you behind in such a state. 

“You don’t want to come with us? This seems like a fun village, and I heard the local liquors are unlike anything we’ve tasted before.” When his soft smile and enthusiasm didn’t even manage to make you turn your head, he got really worried. Did he do something wrong? 

“No, I don’t want to come with you. I don’t want to sit around the campfire and get confronted with how helpless and unnecessary I am around here. How I am never part of the grand story because I am weak,” you took a sharp breath in, Shanks mouth falling open in a surprised o-shape, and now that you had finally started pouring out your feelings, you felt yourself unable to stop. 

“You know? Maybe I should get off on this island and just stay here cause apparently I am nothing but a dead weight on this ship. I am grateful for the adventures I had but apparently I was never significant enough to even mention in the wild drunken sto-” 

“Y/n stop.” 

His voice was stern, his expression serious. You finally looked at him and saw the usual mischievous twinkle in his eyes was nowhere to be seen either. It made you feel uneasy in some way. 

“You’re not weak. You’re not dead weight. You’re not useless. Don’t…” he frowned, grasping one of your hands in his, “don’t say such things about yourself. If you were weak, you’d never be allowed on this ship. If you weren’t loved, no one here would put up with you and look out for you. If you were such a nuisance… I’d never had noticed you. And yet here we are. You are loved,” he kissed your forehead, “you are wanted,” he kissed your left cheek, “you are needed, not a nuisance,” he kissed your right cheek, “and I love you with all I have,” he kissed you on the lips. 

You felt tears prick at the corner of your eyes, it was becoming increasingly hard to keep your angry expression, and he didn’t stop talking. He started summing up moments where you would throw a weapon to one of the crewmates after they’d lost theirs, how you patched people up in the middle of a chaotic battlefield, how your tactics had helped the crew greatly, and countless of stories of how you had made him happy, smile, laugh, filled his days with joy. Before he was done talking, there were some tears silently streaming down your face, he rubbed them away, not even mentioning your teary eyes, still keeping that same, serious, focussed expression on. Although a new emotion had set in the twinkle of his eyes: love. 

“Are you coming with~? Maybe tonight we should dedicate all stories to you?” 

Your eyes widened and you started to stutter. “N-no...No, I am fine without all that extra drunken attention.”

“As long as you’ll accept my drunken attention I won’t bother you”

You smacked his arm painfully, noticing how your whole body seemed more relaxed now that you were no longer carrying most of those dark thoughts with you. Of course, there would undoubtedly be more moments where you felt unfit or inadequate but as you grabbed Shanks’ hand and followed him out on deck, you realized that there was always the one to make you feel better. You’d hold onto that thought. It’d work way better for your mood too.

[floatinginwords]

Saved by the Devil (7/?) - Tommy Shelby

Summary: You have a talk with some friends and get a little job offered

Paring: Tommy Shelby x fem!reader (Not romantic...yet)

A/n: this took me so long to write. I hope you like it. Have a wonderful day:)

You walked through the streets on London feeling lost and uneasy. The state record of your father was there, written officially: he was declared dead. You felt like you were going crazy for not even trusting the piece of evidence. You asked the secretary about a million questions about how they even go about certifying a death. The woman looked at you as if you were crazy and you probably looked it. None of the cuts were healed, parts of your face were beginning to bruise, and the stich on your hand was horrendous. At least you didn’t reek of alcohol. It bothered you that the certificate under cause of death read “suicide”. You distinctly remember Sabini tell you that your father had got himself killed.

 ‘Why stage it like a suicide and then tell the underworld you killed him? Couldn’t you have just paid the cops to look the other way?’ A million more questions swarmed your way non of which the secretary could answer.

 And so you left the place walking slowly back home feeling odd. Dead is dead right you don’t need the details. You don’t want them. You tell yourself this as you get home, telling yourself that the uneasy feeling was from the physical night before not because someone was watching you.  

 ‘I’m not safe staying here’ You think to yourself. You start fantasizing about all the different places you could disappear to, the new life you could create for yourself. You just needed enough money to so. That wad of cash underneath your bed was good for a boat ride and hotel stay, not for entire life change. You were gonna need to start saving and earning, more fast. The air was changing and not for the better.

 Once you get home, you can see a lamp on in the window. You try to walk past the figure sitting in the living room, but their voice rings out stopping you from making another move.

 “(Y/n), we need to talk.” Ada says.

 “What about?” you ask sitting opposite of her in the living room.

 “Its about Tommy,” she pauses a minute trying to gauge your reaction, you don’t give any. She sighs, “I just want you to be careful around him.”

 You raise an eyebrow, confused from where this is coming from. “What do you mean?”

 “I mean are you gonna keep coming home looking half dead with my brother having to carry you in here with no sort of explanation?”

 “I’m sorry about that.” You apologize knowing she must have been scared out of her mind seeing you like that. You would have been too had it been her or Trinity.

 “What are you even thinking working for him? Didn’t you want out of your father business, aren’t you on some guys shit list?” Ada takes a deep breath calming herself.

 “I have it under control.” You can hear Ada groan in frustration. You understand why she was so defensive about this. Her family was dangerous and to be around them was like being around death itself. At least that’s how Ada put it.

 “No you don’t just look at yourself!” She sternly says, pointing a finger at you.

 You stifle a laugh from your throat at how motherly she looks, “Ada, please save the parenting for Karl.”

 She rolls her eyes at your jest and gets up from the couch. “Are you gonna work for him again?”

 “If I need the money...”

 “I told you don’t have to pay rent while you stay here. You can take as long as you need to find steady job.”

 You fake a smile and nod your head, “You’re right.” You didn’t want to bring up the unease you’ve been feeling. Or the need to flee the country based on a little paranoia that may just go away. It was unfair to her to place  this burden upon her when she's finally made it out of feeling that way herself. But you’ll be damned if you weren’t gonna at least prepare yourself for the uncertain future.

  *******************************************************************************************

Trinitys apartment was the same as it always has been. Neat to the point where it looked picture perfect. You always wondered when she had the time to keep tidy. You arrived early in the morning, knowing she would be up and that it would be the perfect time to cross into what you thought was still sabinis territory.

 “You know your friend took over the Eden Club. I haven’t seen any of Sabini guys in awhile” Trinity says attempting to ease you as you keep looking out the window.

 “who?”

 “The Shelby’s. I think it was his brother or whatever. I wasn’t there when it happened but I heard it was brutal.”

 “What did sabini do?” You ask.

 “no one heard from him or Alistair.” She states

 “Hmm.” You say finding it odd the gangster hadn’t retaliated yet

 “You know you can maybe work there again? If you asked nicely? The Shelby’s seem to like you.”

 “What makes you say that?”

 “Oh please I was the first person ada called to tell me about you running off with her brother. Did you know they were related?”

 “No.”

 She notices your lack of words. And though trinity wanted to be playful and tease her friend, she was worried.

 “Are you okay, (Y/n)?”

 “Im thinking of leaving, trinity.” You say

 “Why? Where are you going?”

 “Nowhere. Im just thinking.” You sip your tea lightly, feeling the soothing warmth go down your throat, “Something feels wrong.”

 “What is it?”

 “I fear that something nefarious is upon me. And that it’s a matter of time before It decides to kill me.”

 “You’re not gonna tell me, are you?”

 “I need your help planning.” You say ignoring her questions. You didn’t want to subject her to your nightmares about your father which haven’t ceased at all. In face they were increasing in violence and color. Most of them drawing from memories. If it wasn’t your father that was alive coming to hunt you down, it was most likely a dedicated servant of his. You wondered who was was keeping the business going seeing as you didn’t take over and were the only child of your father. You had no other logical explanation of what the universe was trying to tell you with these dreams and gut feelings.

 You open your purse revealing the wad of money from underneath your bed and papers of different id. “Your gonna hold this for me. When I need it ill come for it, if I add to it ill come here okay? Just make sure it stays hidden and untouched.”

She nods and takes it gently from your hands, “You’re being serious.”

 “Deadly.”

 You stood for a couple more hours, talking and eating until the afternoon came. You said your goodbyes and were on your way back on the streets of London. You felt good about yourself after seeing Trinity. It felt like years since you seen her.

 You hear the honking of an annoying horn bring you out of your thoughts. You see Tommy Shelby behind the wheel, a cocky grin on his face. He parks the car and you wait for him outside not wanting to sit in close proximity of him. He comes around, outing a cigarette loosely around his pink lips. He doesn’t light it.

 “I was looking for you at Adas.” He says standing in front of you with hands in his pockets.

 “Hmm why?” You ask.

 “How are your stiches?”

 “Fine,” your face grows warm as you think about the drunken thoughts you had about him. You had them caged up this time but you were now very aware of the fact that you had them, “what is that you want?” you ask avoiding his eyes, afraid of getting lost in them. You could not afford to grow any sort of attachment to the man. The stories you’ve heard, the warning you’ve gotten from his own sister, you know that he was no good.

 “Take a ride with me.” He simply says walking away from you.

 Your legs move before you think. Following his words like a sailor would a siren. You suddenly felt very self conscious around the man as you sat near him.

 “Where is this coming from?” You think to yourself feeling stupid you begin to argue with yourself in your head trying to find the soure of this new unwanted attraction. Maybe you were still drunk. No its been days. Or maybe you were tired. Sleep has been hard to comeby these days.

 You look across at him and study his features. He was a very handsome man, no doubt about it. You don’t realize how long you’ve been staring until he catches you.

 “What?” He asks

 “Have you called May?” Your not sure why your mind went to that but it was.

He chuckles, “Are you really that interested in that?”

 “No, im just making conversation.”

 “Well I did. Ill be seeing her later this week. See how shes training my horse.” He sends a smile your way before his eyes go back to the road.

 The smile sends your stomach doing flips. “You know your not as scary as people make you seem, Mr.Shelby.” Another statement slipping from your lips.

 “Trust me, I can be scary. Hand me that file”

 He parks the car in front of lovely looking house, a guard standing outside the gates of it. You hand him the file, next to you on the seats and he fiddles through it. You stare at the house with the guard in front of it through the rearview mirror.

 “Why are we parked here?” You ask you eyes trained to the rearview mirror

 “Had to make a stop.”

 You see the guard notice the car and head towards you. He walks toward your window and leans in. “Sir,” The guard says totally ignoring your presence, “You cant park here.”

 “Apologies, me and the Mrs. were just lost.”

 “Well get a move on.” Thomas starts the car and moves it one block a way before parking again. He checks his watch.

 “23 seconds,” He say to himself writing it down, “Are you gonna ask any questions?”

 “I think I would rather leave this one alone.”

 “Smart girl.”

 You end up driving 2 more hours around the city. He tells you about the Eden club takeover and how his brother Arthur is now running the game there. Sabini hasn’t been seen inawhile. Nor his most trustworthy comapnions

 “Do you know Alfie solomons?” He asks

 “I do.” Alfie Solomon’s to you was an unpredictable man, You never could predict what he was gonna say.

 “I was gonna have Arthur have dinner with him alone. But Arthur doesn’tknow Solomon’s too well.”

 “Mr. Shelby-“

 “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need to.” His eyes burn into your skull. You take all the self control you have to not turn your head and stare into them.

 You think about the proposition and grow very hesitant. A part of you wants to take it and another part doesn’t. Quick money could be very useful to you but at what cost if its for situations like this. A dinner with gangsters could become deadly very quickly with one wrong move.

 “When is this dinner?”

 “Friday.”

 “Ill give you answer before than” You say seeing it was Tuesday. You open the door to the car and walk out of it. You were beginning to suffocate under his stare and you needed to breath.

 The air was crisp and refreshing to your lungs as you speedy walk down the streets making lefts and rights. The annoying horn returns to your ears as soon as you feel calm. You turn back around to scream when you realize its not the same car. It’s a black car with weird, tinted window, almost like a police car. The windows roll down, revealing a man with grey, busy eyebrows and mustache. His eyes held an evil glint in them

 (Y/fn) (y/ln)?” He asks do it looked like he already knew the answer in his head that he knew who he had.

 “Sorry wrong gal.” You lie turning around to get out for whatever situation that was.

 “Get her boys.” You hear the man sigh. You feel large hands grab around your body and large funny smelly napkin forced against your mouth.

 ‘Chloroform’ you think as you pass out into the darkness.

Read pt.8

Tags

@captivatedbycillianmurphy @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @evelyn-4034

[violetnotez]

I am in serious need of soft hours headcanons with Izuku. I wanna pamper him with love, hold his cheeks and kiss him tenderly, hold his hands and draw circles on them with my thumb, hug him to my chest to cuddle him, pet his fluffy hair, just tell him how much I appreciate and believe in him. Forehead kisses, cheek kisses, nose kisses, ALL THE KISSES DAMN IT! 😭 I. APPRECIATE. THIS. CUTE. BROCOLI. BOY. Help me plz 😭 I mean, if you can 😂 I know you're very busy with matchups (btw kudos to those

OMG Im so sorry this was so much later! I was really need some good Izuku loving hours when I wrote this, so I hope you like it! Also sorry it was posted at an UNGODLY HOURS I cant have a normal posting scheudele no matter how hard I try!

ALSO I REALIZED U ASKED FOR HEADCANNONS IM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!

Izuku x reader

⤷ Genre: Fluff

⤷ Word Count: 1600+

⤷ Warnings: cursing if ya squint

⤷ Synopsis:   You have been noticing Midoriya has been a little down lately, so you take it upon yourself to cheer him up by sneakily taking his favorite notebook and writing cute messages in his notes, and of course, his reaction is priceless!

This fic is for the @bnhabookclub bingo event!  Here’s my masterlist to see all my work for this event!

Bingo Slot: Doodles On Their Notebook

Your hands were frantically shoving through Midoriya’s things, the collection of All Might merchandise staring at you with piercing eyes as you continued with your search.

Being Izuku’s girlfriend, you pretty much knew Midoriya like the back of your hand. So when he wasn't acting like himself, becoming more sulky and training more, you knew something was seriously wrong with the greenette.

But of course, the green haired boy was determined to prove you wrong, always saying “Im just fine!” or “Dont worry about me angel!” whenever you brought the topic up.

It just- didnt feel right to you...he seemed so sad, so burdened with something inside of him, his green eyes no longer shining like they used to and his body looking as if it was carrying a tremendous weight on his shoulders.

You had decided enough was enough, and that you would remind your boyfriend of how amazing he was by writing affirmations all over his favorite notebook in order to uplift his spirits-if only you could find the damn thing.

“The hell is that book,” you cursed under your breath, your hands now lifting up every textbook on his desk.

“What book are you looking for puppy?”

You felt a spike of coldness rush through your body, your eyes wide as you turned around to look at your confused looking boyfriend.

His hair looked slightly wet, a towel folded underneath his arms and his signature white shirt a little damp from a shower he probably had taken after training. His cheeks were still a little pink, making his freckles a little more prominent, and in any other circumstance you would have pounced on him with kisses from his cuteness.

But-he had just caught you red handed, looking through his stuff...the hell were you gonna get out of this?

“I-uh,” you stumbled out, trying to find a good lie, “I-I lost a notebook, and I-I think it might be here? From when I came over to study?”

Izuku didnt seem to notice your obvious fluster, his eyes downcast and his expression preoccupied.

“I havent seen any of your notebooks lying around...I’ll look for it, dont worry! We’ll find it eventually,” the boy tried to send you a reassuring smile, but it didnt work very well. 

It was sad, tired, worried...just not the usually reassuring Izuku you knew.

All thoughts of your plan filtered out of your mind, your body instantly walking over to the boy. Your hand wrapped around his arm gingerly, some parts rougher than others from his scars as you gently trailed your hand down to rest in his palm.

“‘Zuku, are you feeling okay?” you asked, your voice sweet as you looked up at him with wide eyes. “Is something on your mind? You seem-sad,”

Midoriya sighed, his green orbs looking at you with love and warmth. 

Even if he was looking down, it was reassuring to know he still looked at you like that- at least it wasn't you who was causing this...but what?

“Im sorry puppy, I didn't realize I was worrying you so much,” he said, his voice low as he rubbed his thumb against your hand. “Its just-I-I feel like I'm not improving as much as I should be. I've had this power for some time now, and I can barely use it to half its potential...the others are improving so much, especially Kachan..I just- sometimes I can't help- but think that maybe I'm not cut out for this…”

You tilted your head in confusion, your lips pursed and eyes full of empathy.

You were so relieved to finally know what was eating at your boyfriend so much, but it hurt you to know he was fighting with such insecurities All you wanted to do was love the hell out of him right now and smother him with cuddles and kisses.

“Oh, ‘Zuku,” you sighed out, your free hand finding refuge against Midoriya’s cheek. The boy quietly nuzzled himself into your touch, his skin soft and warm against your palm. “Is that what was bothering you?”

“Yeah-I-I know, it seems silly, its just-”

“No, it doesnt,” you quickly interjected him, a reassuring smile playing on your lips. “Everybody doubts themselves sometimes, no matter how good or bad they are at what you do.

“You're still just training, you're doing everything you can to be the best, more than what most people do in their whole lifetime. Yeah, others are going to improve faster than you, and others are going to improve slower. Just focus on yourself, and your goals, and don't forget what you’ve accomplished. You done so much with yourself Izuku, more than you would ever know, just don't forget that kay?”

Izuku face light up, his expression washing with relief. He instantly buried you into a hug, his taught arms wrapping around you and squeezing you slightly. You smiled at the big softie your boyfriend was, your hands cuddling his body close to you. You felt the boy chuckle slightly, his voice sounding flustered yet more relaxed than before

“What would I do without you?” 

“Probably train until you passed out,” you giggled, a smile gracing your lips, “but seriously Izuku, dont be so hard on yourself, your doing just fine,”

“Okay, I-Ill try,” he stuttered out.

Izuku held you like that for another moment, you both relishing the feeling of the other against your arms. You felt Midoriya pull your body gently away from his, his face facing yours as he placed his hands on your shoulders.

He finally looked a little less solemn, some of the weight being taken off of his shoulders..but that tell tale look of sadness was still there.

“I-I know you were looking for your notebook...but did you maybe want to- stay for a little bit?”

You felt your insides light up from warmth, a grin growing on your face.

God, why did he have to go and be so cute?

“If you want cuddles, ‘Zuku, all you have to do is ask...”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

Deku stepped into class the next day, his body almost in a trance as he sat himself down at his usual seat.

Last night was healing for him, just cuddling and having you in his arms, but reality hit him in the face the next day. Those inner demons weren’t quite destroyed, and he realized he still had to battle them, even after the night with you.

He sighed, his shoulders feeling tired as he rummaged through his backpack, pulling out his notebook. 

Mind as well study as he waited for class to start…

He flipped through the first few pages, trying to find the last place he was reviewing, until he noticed something-there was new writing, unlike his own, scrawled in the empty gaps of his notes..

Izuku cocked his eyebrow, his fingers dragging against the message:

“I love how sweet you are, no matter what comes your way.”

Izuku felt his cheeks rise with heat-who wrote that?

He flipped the next page, finding another message:

“Your freckles are adorable and I’d kiss each and every one if I could.”

God, how could these make him so flustered? He felt his whole face rise in heat, beginning to recognize the handwriting as your own. He began to flip through each page, a message almost on every one, all about him:

“You are so strong.”

“I love when you get flustered.”

“Your going to accomplish your dreams and more,”

“Your hair is so cute pls dont ever change it,”

He chuckles at that last one, his digits racking through his locks. His classmates were beginning to file into class, the room becoming much louder than before.

Izuku turned around, his cheeks on fire as he hoped nobody saw him get so flustered-until his eyes met yours.

You were currently talking to Mina and Kaminari a few seats behind, your body sitting on a desk as you watched Izuku with waiting eyes.

Once he made eye contact though, he knew for certain it was you who had written the sweet notes in his notebook- your face lit up with relief, a smile gracing your lips as you sent a wink his way.

Midoriya couldn't help but let a squeak slip out of his lips, his body swiveling around quickly- god, he was too flustered around you!

Midoriya heard Aizawa enter, all his classmated quickly taking their seats and going silent.

He listened to the instruction, opening his notebook to a fresh page to write down notes...but he found himself flipping back to those few pages, rereading every message. It uplifted his spirits, made him feel loved, and he felt so lucky to have someone as caring as you love him back.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

It was now the end of class, the bell ringing daintily around the room as everyone bombarded out to the lunch hall.

You on the other hand stayed behind, walking over to Midoriya as he slowly put his books away in his bag.

“So, did you like it?” you asked, a smile in your voice as you waited for your answer.

Midoriya looked up at you, his eyes wide with gratitude and his cheeks a rosy red-

Yeah, he liked it.

MIdoriya smiled, his grin wide and child-like. “I-I loved it, y/n, thank you!” he shouted, his voice dripping with gratitude.

“God,” you giggled sheepishly, “I took me forever to find that notebook after you fell asleep…”

His hand wracked into his hair again, his bright smile turning into a nervous smile

“Honestly, I don't know if I deserved all that work, but I-I really liked it-”

“Of course you deserve it Izuku!” you quickly reached for his hand, your body moving closer to his, “You are such an amazing person-everything I wrote in there was true, and will always be true.”

Izuku looked up at you, his eyes full of love and admiration. He had never been so grateful and felt so lucky to be with someone as amazing as you.

Midoriya’s cheeks began to turn red again, his body leaning in quickly towards yours. He planted a kiss on your cheeks, his skin leaving a lasting tingle on your skin.

“You know I-I love you-right...cause I do, I really really do,”

[squeeneyart]

Breathe in the Salt - Chapter 18

AO3

Beta reader is @thesnadger!

Communication is established.

Martin has a job to do.

After months of near constant solitude and a week of above-average social interaction, Martin had to deal with an unhappy middle: Peter, with no warning or pattern, would appear at the lighthouse at whatever time seemed to suit his fancy. Bright and early one day, late lunch the next, twice already on Thursday, all for reasons Martin couldn’t wonder aloud at for fear of seeming too curious.

No alone time meant no poking his nose around. Not that he was supposed to, keeping his head down and all that, but sitting around wasn’t doing his nerves any favors.

It was easy to imagine Peter hiring someone to tail him home, so Martin never dared to take a new path or turn for that whole week. When he got home he stayed home. When he got to work he stayed at work. And when he walked in either direction he most certainly never took the sharp turn toward the Fairchild home, no matter how intensely curious he got.

So, once the group text was actually formed early in the next week (Tim: it was a promise not a threat!), Martin had taken part in the first of many nearly identical conversations. They boiled down to:

Martin: peters been weird, cant predict when he’ll be around

Sasha: we’re still pretty locked up, will let you know if things change

Jon: Elias has been elusive but I’m working on it.

Tim: can’t keep us busy forever

Besides some scattered thoughts and jokes primarily from Tim that got Martin through the more tedious aspects of the work day, the messages were all vague statements telling him “soon, we promise” and random tidbits from him of Peter being weird. The whirlwind of progress from the week prior was over. Waiting and sitting on his hands was all Martin had left.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true.

Jon had a lot more to say over phone calls than text. That much was clear by Tuesday night as Jon called to elaborate on his frustrations with Elias and continue other topics they’d discussed the conversion prior. The burden of starting the call and coming up with a topic was blessedly off Martin's shoulders, and it made the idea of regular conversations seem more possible.

While it was a relief to still talk to someone at length, Martin knew he would run out of things to say before long. He had no stories from the university he never attended, and Jon had been witness to Martin’s strangest place of work. The more he could deflect personal questions and get Jon to talk about himself, the longer it would take for Martin to be revealed as... well. Dull.

Still, he hoped that Jon would call again soon. If Martin was around for it.

It was Thursday. Peter had been around twice already with no warning. It was getting to be mid-afternoon and he still had a duty to perform. That part of his contract hadn’t changed.

Martin groaned into his desk. It wasn’t fair to have his most mindless and daydream-conducive task twisted into something horrifying. Some little part of him hoped that Sasha’s reasoning from the week before would hold some water, that his knowledge of what was coming would somehow keep him aware of his surroundings.

There was one way to find out, as much as it made his stomach squirm, and the thought of doing so with Peter around was enough to propel Martin out of his chair and toward the cleaning closet.

He began to mop the main floor with a fervor. If Sasha was right and he managed to avoid getting sucked into a wall, Peter absolutely could not witness it. He would have to move fast, even if it scared the shit out of him. And really, was it so scary? It wasn’t something he remembered, and it never hurt him. Probably. He would at least feel pain if something had happened, right?

He had always been fine. A bit sore from lugging things up the stairs, but otherwise nothing had harmed him as far as he knew. What was he afraid of? A person that could watch him as he went about his work in a haze? Or the wall refusing to release him after he entered, trapping him without ever releasing his mind from-

Oh, no, his heart was racing, his hands shaking more by the second. Swallowing had become more difficult, dry throat and a tongue that felt three times too big. Martin walked toward the stairs, trying to keep water level in the mop bucket. The water level was the only evidence that he’d lost time, and he wasn’t going to do this without something to show for it.

Letting out a breath that sent shivers down his arms, Martin placed the mop down and took out his phone.

Martin: so im going upstairs now? to do the mop thing?

Martin: gonna try and use an old analog tape recorder like you all said. any final thoughts would be appreciated

He waited, growing more concerned by the second that he would get no answer, but finally someone responded.

Jon: Sounds like you’re all set. Be sure to send a message here once you’ve gotten back out again, or if you don’t go in at all.

Tim: yeah any situation where your feet are on solid ground really

Jon: You said before that Peter was around. Is it safe to assume he’s left?

Martin: ok will do. he’s not here now so im getting it over with so he wont see anything weird

Jon: Okay, good luck and let us know when you’re out.

Martin: thanks

Sasha: if things start to seem off, retreat back downstairs and call us immediately

Tim: ^^^

Martin: okay, talk to you all soon

Before Martin pocketed his phone, he saw Tim leaving a string of thumbs-up and broom emojis, and as he began up the stairs the occasional vibration in his pocket revealed that something was happening past his goodbye. It wouldn’t be good for the recording if he kept it on like that, but he had no intention of silencing the phone or the people on the other end. He clicked on the tape recorder, placed it in his pocket, and began his climb.

The bucket and mop were as unwieldy as ever, and for not the first time he thought about how nice an elevator would be for his knees before shaking his head. This was a time for focus. Drifting thoughts were a one-way ticket to lost time in a much more literal sense than usual.

He was walking up a rather repetitive staircase, but every once in a while there would be an imperfection that reminded him of where he was in space. A crack here, some chipped paint there. Looking around there were plenty of place markers. His feet were on stairs that were the same as they always were.

About a quarter of the way up, this method began to make his stomach flip. Once, he looked too far ahead, too much up. So he kept his eyes down. He’d been keeping to the inside of the stairs, but his gaze drifted too far and oh, no, another spiral leading down which was worse.

This building, he thought, didn’t appreciate him looking too hard. Fine. He could stay present without a visual anchor. There was still buzzing coming from his pocket, thought less often than before. At least they were still around. If anything happened, they would know quickly and be able to do something. Sure, he hadn’t seen them solve any problems yet, but there was enough confidence between the three of them that they had to have some level of competence.

Martin looked down at the bucket in his hand and held back a scream.

Instead, he hissed at the thing, “When?! We aren’t even halfway up! I let myself think for two seconds and- oh, dammit!” He dug into his pocket for the tape recorder, but it was nowhere to be found.

Martin turned toward the wall, any fear being quickly replaced by petty indignation. “Hey! I paid for that! You can’t just- as if you even need to pick my pockets when you’re a big, stupid voice recorder all on your own!”

Besides the echo of his own voice bouncing up and away from him (mocking him, probably) nothing bothered to respond. He had half a mind to toss the bucket and mop down the stairs for the sake of his aching arms, but he resumed his walk with a quickened pace. If Peter hadn’t come back yet, and it didn’t sound like he had, Martin would do something while he had the time.

At the top of the stairs, Martin opened up the group chat just long enough to type one message.

Martin: lighthouse stole my tape recorder

Then he stuffed the mobile away and made a beeline for the horrible machine he’d been faced with every day that week. His phone buzzed with incoming messages, the motion in his pocket slowly becoming more of a reassurance.

First, he took the time to look at it as a whole. The back couldn’t be reached with it pressed up against the inner wall. Did it make sense for it to be put there? Unsurprisingly, when he’d finally looked up how lighthouses were supposed to work, the panel itself was nowhere to be found as part of the process. What a surprise!

When he’d started the new order of button pushing that past Friday, he’d tried to listen for the mechanisms behind it, but he didn’t know enough about normal mechanics let alone whatever this was to make any judgments. He’d cursed himself then for not paying attention and asking more questions at the start, but there was no helping it.

Really, the fact that he’d been hired at all should’ve been a dead giveaway.

The dial that had once allowed Evan to speak was entirely cut out from the process, a disconnected thing that gave no feedback after being twisted. Did that mean the entire cause was lost? Or had its function been moved to another piece, or a series of pieces-

“Ah, Martin, thought I might find you up here.”

Martin was going to die.

It was a thought that came unbidden, the only clear thing in his head as he turned to find Peter Lukas climbing the last stair without a sound coming from his less than newly polished leather shoes. The soles should’ve made a clicking sound.

Peter looked at him and smiled. “Scared you, didn’t I? Always been told I have quiet feet.”

“Yeah, you did. Wasn’t very nice.” He couldn’t keep the slight shake out of his voice. His hand reached out and grasped the mop’s hand.

“Not for you maybe, but the look on your face is very funny.” The smile grew just a little more cheerful.

“Sure. Well, I’m-”

“Cleaning, right,” Peter said, pressing a hand to his forehead as if remembering something. “Glad to see the last smudges from them wiped away, if I’m honest. More people, more mess for you to clean up later.”

“I suppose, yeah. Need to clean anyway, though.” To emphasize his point, Martin began to clean the floor around and away from the panel. “Did you…”

“Oh, no, nothing really. Just wanted to check in a bit more after all the... disruption from before. And to make you jump a little. Need to make my own fun, sometimes. The week has been dreadful, Martin.”

And you’re spreading the feeling around. “Hm,” Martin replied, as dismissive and uninterested as he could muster.

Martin could hear the smile in Peter’s voice and knew he’d failed to dampen the man’s strange energy. “Yes, well, I’ll be off. When-” And then Peter was interrupted by a prolonged buzzing in Martin’s pocket. “Need to answer that?”

Shrugging, Martin continued to mop and kept his eyes to the ground. “Weird spam call, probably. Mum wouldn’t call my mobile.”

“Mm, good answer. Company time and all that.” With an odd stretching motion, Peter glanced out the window. “Oh, and what were you doing when I came up?”

“Stretches,” Martin replied abruptly. He coughed and evened out his voice. “The walk up is terrible.”

“And that’s why I have you do it for me!” Peter’s laugh came out rough and strangely quiet, a noise that settled under Martin’s skin. The old man’s face twisted into an unreadable smile, something that underneath the mirth felt like a taunt. “But enough of that. Don’t know if I’ll be back again today. And keep that thing quiet if you’re not expecting work calls. Nothing worse than being contacted from anywhere in the world at any time, truly.” The smile seemed to sink into a genuine, almost childlike frown, and Peter slinked back down the stairs without another sound.

After about five minutes of mopping, Martin released the hand and collapsed on the couch. Stupid, stupid, of course he would come right as he was about to fiddle with things.

The prolonged vibrations had ceased some minutes ago, and Martin finally opened the group chat to see what he’d missed. There were several messages from earlier in which Tim and the others had continued to chat. Then his message and general confusion and concern which Martin had expected. Finally, a missed call from Sasha, followed by a text.

Sasha: do we need to get over there?

Blinking, Martin considered the message. Was that an option?

Martin: no everything is over

Martin: peter came in, had to lie about it being a spam call

Jon: of course he did

Sasha: well, call when you think it’s safe

Tim: and maybe check your pockets

Immediately, Martin patted himself down, though nothing seemed amiss. His phone was of course still on him, and there was nothing new.

Martin: everything else is the same. the lighthouse wasnt nice enough to trade something for my tape recorder

Tim: :(

Jon: Sasha is right. We’ll do better if we talk over the phone later when you’re sure to be out of Lukas’ sight. Keep inventory of your things and call us when you can.

Hesitating for a moment, Martin looked down at the winding stairs.

Martin: if you had to get here how long would it take

Sasha: about two hours if i’m driving

Martin: right

Martin: okay. ill call you soon

--

The same conclusion was made as before, only moreso. Martin would keep his head down with exactly zero poking around. The lockscreen of his mobile would show no notifications to mitigate the risk of eavesdropping (what if his phone was stolen by his evil workplace?), and unless there was some sort of emergency no messages or calls were to be made during his work hours.

Peter certainly knew something was going on. There was no point in pretending otherwise. Martin would have to hope they were both committed to playacting their routine for as long as the others needed to get back and do something.

The thought dug a pit in his stomach. Pretending that everything was exactly the way it had been was just... being alone for most of the day. He’d enjoyed receiving random messages at work and the sudden movement in his pocket that meant someone was around. It was a normal thing for people, texting when they’re supposed to be working. Pity he’d mucked it up so fast.

Long after he’d prepared for sleep, Martin sat on his bed with mobile in hand. His contact list was so short that he didn’t even need to scroll to find Jon’s name. It was right under an old manager he’d never deleted from his contacts.

His thumb twitched over the call button. He wasn’t going to do it, but it was a nice thought. They’d already spoken at length today, with everyone showing enough concern that Martin had needed the alone time afterwards to breath.

That being said, enough time had passed for him to be itching for any conversation he could get, and he wanted to talk to Jon because he still didn’t quite get Sasha, and conversation with Tim tended to run short because Martin didn’t know how to keep things going after he’d dumped all of his grievances on the guy the week prior.

And he liked talking to Jon. And maybe it was because Martin understood a topic Jon cared deeply about, but Jon seemed to like talking to Martin, too.

There was no call that night, and he was out 20 pounds for that tape recorder from the resale shop.

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[bellatrixobsessed1]

Speak No Evil (Part 39) - Story 2

Her motions are done with machine-like absence; fold, stack, fold, stack...until there are several outfits on the pile. It feel so hollow and pointless. And every now and again she pauses. She isn’t sure why she pauses, she just doesn’t have the energy to toss another thing into her pack. And so she just stares until Seicho begins picking up items for her and she remembers to do it herself. And when the pack is finally full it rests heavy on her shoulders like every other burden she has ever carried. It feels crushing.

“All set?” Zuko pops his head in.

Azula only nods. There is only one thing missing from her checklist. Only one person…

She thinks that she is too tired to endure this trip.

“You aren’t doing very well, are you.” Seicho mumbles. It sounds as though she knew that this would happen. That she knew that speaking with TyLee would send her down another spiral. She wants to say that Seicho is just jealous, but really she is being realistic.

‘I haven’t done well in a very long time.’ She thinks that she should just start getting used to it. Should just stop fighting it and embrace the sadness. She’ll stay alive and weather the hurt to spare Seicho and Zuko from it. But she isn’t sure that she’ll actually be doing much living while she is alive. She is a spirit herself, she thinks, but without the sort of majestic and mystifying presence that the authentic ones have.

She doesn’t think that she can do this but everyone is already packed… She thinks that it would help to talk about it. She can’t talk. She can’t heal. She…

“Sorry I’m late, I had to find some of my supplies! I wasn’t sure which ones would be useful.”

“We’re not mountain climbing, TyLee.” Mai mutters. “You didn’t have to bring all of that.”

Azula’s stomach flutters, little tickles of hope that she really can’t afford to have. She tightens her grip on her pack. Seicho is beaming, “looks like she decided to give you a chance!”

It means nothing; Azula is good at ruining those.

.oOo.

Setting foot in that jungle once more feels like calling death to herself. And maybe that would be the merciful outcome. The silence around them is so terribly thick. Even the jungle itself seems silent. But she sees those sprits, wispy and glowing peeking their little hands out from.behind leaves and branches. She can sense their collective distaste as vividly as she can feel Mai's resentment and TyLee's solemn reluctance. Sidddh she feels out of place on her own mission.

There is a part of her that should like to take Seicho's hand and let the woman coo.little words of comfort at her as she had during their hike. But she doesn't want the woman to get the wrong idea neither does she want TyLee to think that she has found herself an unsuspecting rebound. But the way the spirits leer at her had her on edge. She wonders when they will drop their passiveness and begin outright antagonizing her.

For the time being, the primary source of her torment comes from within. TyLee walks beside her and she can't come up with anything adequate to initiate conversation. She supposes that it is hard to write and walk anyhow. She finds herself walking over to Seicho the deeper they trek as though the woman could do anything at all should the spirits lash out.

Her throat is dry and there is a full ache in her belly. She thinks that they must have walked for at least an hour or two now. And she is damn near certain that it didn't take much longer than this to come by the spirit the first time. Bit then again, she had coaxed it to come to her.

"Can we take a break?" TyLee asks.

Azula finds herself a place to sit before any protest can arise.she beckons to TyLee and pats the spot next to her. She holds up a few squares of granola. Reluctantly TyLee takes the spot next to her and a single square. But TyLee doesn't look at her while she munches away. It is as though  she had only taken the seat because it was slightly more preferable to sitting on the ground.

Azula scribble upon the parchment, 'are you doing well.'

"I'm fine, Azula." She answers in a sigh that indicates anything but content.

'You sound unhappy.'

"I'm fine, I promise."

She thinks that TyLee just doesn't want to admit that she is uncomfortable being so close to her.

"Are you alright?"

'I would be better if I weren't waiting for one of these spirits to pounce…' and if she weren't waiting for the rest of the group to give up on her and write her off as a lost cause. Surely if one trip wasn't enough to do it for Seicho, this second one will be. Azula thinks that soon her the colors will bleed through and they are all so muted and ugly. Nothing like the vibrancy of Seicho's and Zuko's nor the kind pastels of TyLee's. For all of the resentment between them, she and Mai seem to have a lot in common.

"I'm sure that they won't hurt you, they would have by now if they wanted to, right?"

Azula shrugs, frankly she thinks that they are simply waiting for the right moment to strike--likely when she is already on the cusp of breaking is when they will. It instills a deep dread within her.

.oOo.

She can tell that Azula is hurting quite terribly. That just being in this jungle has her uneasy. Her face is as blank as ever but she still knows the princess well enough to realize that she is anything but okay. That she is trying to hold a gaping wound with just  a bandaid and her fingers. She isn't sure how much longer Azula can bleed before she collapses. She thinks of giving her a break, and extending her a lifeline.

But if she gives Azula even a small inch, the woman tends to milk it for all it's worth and then some. It would be an invitation for the woman to push her around again. For the first time and with a queasy stomach she ignores that dreary aura. She does nothing to take the sting away.

'i think that they're waiting for the right moment.' Azula replies.

And they aren't the only ones; she too is waiting for the right moment. Waiting for the right moment to forgive the princess, but she suddenly isn't so sure if she can.

'Will you walk with Seicho and I?'

"Zuko and I were a good team. I just wanted to make sure that you were doing okay."

Azula nods. 'Im fine.' TyLee hadn't realized that a person could sense lies in the handwriting of another until then. Maybe it is the lighthandedness of the scrawl or the way she drags out the last letters of each word. But she knows that Azula is not alright at all. That she is going passive and numb, maybe she has been that way for a while now.

Throughout the day, Azula makes several more attempt to communicate, mostly she speaks of mundane or petty things. Things like how it is good that the canopy gives the shade or how this hike is more comfortable than her last one since they are more adequately prepared.

But she never brings up the things that matter. She  hasn't even apologized, TyLee realizes. Apparently, even so low, Azula is still too good to apologized beyond a very hollow and pointless, 'sorry' if even. And TyLee realizes that she is angry. Even Mai had offered an apology.

Azula can scribble down as much friendly conversation be as she wants but it means nothing without an acknowledgement of wrongdoing.

TyLee decided that she needs to be angry. She can't be chipper and bubbly all the time. She thinks that she should express her anger more freely. She can't just let this go and pretend like nothing is wrong simply because Azula is acting demure. "You need to stop." She manages to say. "You and Mai both."

'Stop what?'

"Acting like we can just pick up where we left off just because I agreed to come with you."

.oOo.

It is as though TyLee’s word had been permission or maybe it is as simple as them feasting upon her pessimism. The spirits have finally begun to toy with her. And she thinks that they may only be showing themselves to her because no one seems to take notice of the way they pester her.

Mostly they are just annoying; they laugh at her, they sneer at her, they remind her that TyLee doesn’t like her. Sometimes they make off as if they are going to bite or scratch her but they pull back at the very last moment leaving her in a constant state of alertness when she is already agitated as it is.

And Seicho… Her usually endearing chatter is migraine inducing when Azula only wants to be left alone. No, that isn’t right. It is migraine inducing when she only wants to hear TyLee’s voice. The woman hadn’t told her to stop speaking with her but she can take a hint. Unlike Seicho.

“And I thought that it was pretty cool.” She babbles on. “So I wanted to make one sort of like it…” Azula doesn’t even know what she is talking about. She is certain that Mai and Zuko have tuned her out too. But not TyLee. TyLee seems absolutely enthralled by her. Enthralled and amused and delighted...

She clutches her parchment tightly. Heavy-handedly, she had scrawled upon it, ‘will you shut your mouth for five minutes?’

Seicho’s face falls. “I thought that you liked my stories?”

‘I don’t. They’re annoying.’ Azula writes, she nearly trips over a fallen branch in the process, her anger only heightens and then heightens some more at the giggling of the spirits.

“Don’t be mean to her.” TyLee snaps. “She’s just trying to be nice to you.”

TyLee has only ever tried to be nice to her. TyLee, TyLee, TyLee...everything is TyLee and she is beginning to wonder if she only wants TyLee because she can’t have her. But she doesn’t think that the woman’s chastising and spurning would hurt as terribly if she didn’t love her dearly.

Genuine or not, she doesn’t think that it is healthy to think about one person so much. To let her happiness and will to live hinge on a single person. She doesn’t think that it was always like this. She wasn’t always like this?

Why is she like this now?

She picks up her pace, though she doesn’t exactly know where she is headed, she only has a vague sense of where she’d first encountered the spirit and a pressing need to put distance between she and the rest of her party. Nevermind that she is significantly easier for the spirits to harass now.

If TyLee wants Seicho she can have her and Zuko can have Mai and she can be as alone as she ever was.

[for-ests]

Love It If We Made It: Oikawa x Reader (Part 4)

1 / 2 / 3 / mlist

sorry for such the long wait babies,, i hope you enjoy the finale :) ps i tried to edit this as best I could but im super busy pls understand 

wc: 5, 194 warnings: smut towards the end  

You could never openly admit it, but when Oikawa had suggested bringing you back to his house, you felt all your previous what-ifs and worries disappear. Without a proper acknowledgement, the memories of you and your afternoons spent in his backyard playing volleyball filled your mind the entire way back to his childhood home. It had been years, it had felt like an eternity, yet it also felt like it was yesterday. 

Oikawa’s mother hadn’t aged a day. She was just as charming and youthful as before. When she watched you walk through the front door, her neutral expression switched into one of pure astonishment. 

“Y/N?” She gasped, immediately setting down the kitchen utensils she was using to come and embrace you in a warm hug. It felt surprisingly comforting to be back in her arms. She looked the same as she had the last day you saw her. Just as beautiful and just as charming, her features clearly reflected through her only son. 

“Rina-” You smiled, wrapping your arms around her just as friendly, like you had never spent a day apart. Truthfully, you were surprised--you hadn’t expected her to recognize you. 

“How long has it been?” She gushed, pulling away to get a better look at you. “My, my… You have grown into such a beautiful young lady.” 

“Hasn’t she?” Oikawa complimented, one of his hands reaching behind his neck to scratch it sheepishly. His movements were natural, as if he had discussed your impending arrival before. 

In the corner of your eye, you noticed them share a look. A look that could be considered indecipherable, but one that you could tell was of approval. You had known them since you were a child after all. There was a probable chance that Oikawa had mentioned your name a couple days earlier. 

“What brings you back here?” 

Oikawa answered for you. “She’s managing the Karasuno volleyball team. Isn’t that great?” 

“Really?” She cooed. 

“Yeah.” You grinned. 

“I didn’t even realize until I got there! Mama, it was crazy.” Oikawa chuckled, immediately clearing his throat once he realized you were staring at him with an unabashed expression. You had always found it adorable how much respect and love Oikawa had for his mother. 

“But of course I beat her team to spite her.” 

“I’m sure you did.” Rina chuckled, shaking her head in a form of apology for his ‘childish’ behavior. One thing that would never leave a man was their inevitable craving to win. Especially one that had been working all of his life to become the best. Oikawa had always believed he wasn’t born with natural talent, yet seeing him demand the entire court’s presence during your match was enough to make you roll your eyes. He was unbelievably talented. You knew he would go far with his gift. 

“Well, can I make you something to eat?” She asked, taking a step back and gesturing to the kitchen. “Will you stay for dinner?” 

You weren’t necessarily hungry, but when you glanced at Oikawa, the look in his eyes confirmed that you should agree regardless. It was obvious that his mother was keen on making dinner for you like old times. 

“Of course.” You bowed your head slightly, grinning from ear to ear at her enthusiasm. “I would be happy to.” 

Rina clasped her hands together in delight. Even Oikawa seemed surprised to see her so excited about something as simple as dinner. Unbeknownst to them both, Oikawa’s mother was just happy to see him bring home a girl. He only had one girlfriend before, but it was obvious that they weren’t going to last long. It had been to everyone, yet deep down inside Rina knew exactly what was going through her son’s mind. He had never paid attention to a girl like the way he had with you. 

And the only thing Rina felt like she could do to help her son win your heart was to make you feel welcome in their home. She just wanted her son to be happy, and it was obvious that you could be the girl to grant her wish, one who had always been there. 

“I’ll make a lot.” She said, already shuffling through the cupboards to prepare. “I know you must be hungry, Tooru.” 

“I am,” He laughed. “Thanks Mama, we’ll be back down once dinner is ready. Just text me and we’ll come down” 

“Yes!” She cheered. “Y/N, we need to catch up, okay? Tell me about the family and everything.” 

For a moment, your heart seemed to drop down to your stomach. You wanted nothing more than to tell Rina that your family was as content as ever, that they were succeeding in their jobs, and that your brother had successfully graduated middle school. But none of that was true, that part of your life was currently in shambles, and you were piecing it back together piece by piece. 

At least you had the Oikawa’s back by your side. You felt as if they were kneeling next to you, taking a portion of your burden and taping the pieces back together in places you couldn’t reach. 

“Of course!” You replied through the best smile you could muster, which wasn’t much. 

Oikawa noticed your smile lower. In reply, he set a comforting hand on the small of your back and led you down the hallway. It was his way of reassuring you that everything was going to be okay. Though his jersey still had a distasteful stench to it, you leaned into him. 

“You don’t need to tell her about your brother if you don’t want to.” The boy whispered once the two of you were out of distance, the thick walls preventing any sound from admitting down the hall. 

“I will.” You breathed. “Eventually, because she deserves to know. She was a family friend, and so were you.” 

He nodded in reply, finally twisting the doorknob of his bedroom door. “I can’t wait to change out of these clothes!” He said louder than needed, perhaps to deflect any suspicions that his mother might have about your demeanor. Yet, what he said was suggesting enough, and you flushed with embarrassment. 

“Nice one.” You giggled, reaching your arm out and smacking his bicep lightly. You were relieved to know that his mother probably didn’t know the extent of your rekindled relationship. She probably wouldn’t suspect anything suggestive to happen. 

Yet… why did you care so much? It wasn’t like anything would happen, even if you wanted it to. 

Taking a deep breath, you heard Oikawa switch the lock behind him. 

Entering the threshold of Oikawa’s room was like you had entered a different world than what you had remembered from before. 

It wasn’t a messy room, but it was cluttered. On the wall hung framed achievements he had been awarded throughout grade school. He even had a trophy shelf. The thought put a smile on your face, relieved to find that he was still the same competitive Oikawa you had loved years before. 

You heard him shuffling through his dresser as you scanned his belongings. 

His room didn’t contain much else, just the standard bedroom accessories. His desk was stacked high with textbooks and assignments. That was what originally drew your eyes to the piece of furniture. But what you found next brought potential tears to your eyes. 

The single picture he had decided to frame was one of you. 

“Tooru…” You breathed, voice immediately faltering. Without thinking, you reached for it, desperate to hold it between your fingertips. You remembered the day it was taken. You had been so overwhelmed to start eighth grade, yet for this picture, you smiled genuinely. That was because on your right was Oikawa, and on your left was Iwaizumi. In that moment, having them by your side meant everything. They had walked you to your classroom, proud of you for being accepted into the honor roll. They were proud even if it meant you would no longer be in their class. 

“Has it been there all this time?” You asked, feeling his presence come from behind. Shivers cascaded down your spine from his proximity, yet your eyes remained on the photo. You were shocked to find it, so shocked that you had been in his memory this entire time. 

What had ever happened to the three of you? 

Life. You squeezed your eyes shut, wishing you could hold the rest of your tears in. You had already cried enough in front of him. There was no need to cry about something you couldn't change. 

“It hasn’t moved for three years.” He whispered so softly you knew it wasn’t a lie. 

Setting the frame back into its rightful place, you turned around to find Oikawa shirtless. For a moment, you were dumbfounded. But ever since Oikawa waltzed back into your life, there wasn’t an emotion he hadn’t provoked from you. 

Possible questions were racing through your mind. Why would he keep that picture framed? Had he really been missing you all this time? If your face had been in front of him this long why did he never reach out to you? 

Despite that, no words flew from your mouth. All you could do was reach out and set your arm against his chest. Observing that picture had caused your heart to soften. He had framed it, protected and cherished it. Maybe not you, but at least the memory.

Your entire body felt tender, so tender that it would be easy to admit what was on your mind. 

“Tooru-” You finally breathed, your eyes flashing across the bareness of his toned chest. You wanted to look elsewhere but your eyes were drawn to him, your brain finally processing that it was your childhood crush that the body belonged to. 

Oikawa’s hand reached up and rested against your jawline, tipping your chin up. His hands felt like ice against your burning skin. Normally he would crack a joke, possibly tease you for being so flustered. Yet, he reclaimed the silence in return. He felt the tension too, his own mind trying to picture what your body looked like underneath. 

You needed him. You were gripping onto him by this point, almost begging for him to make the first move.

“I…” Oikawa faltered, relaxing slightly from your more than eager embrace. He hesitated, searching your eyes for an answer. “I kept this picture for all these years because I loved you. It felt wrong to throw it away, even if you were gone.” 

You blushed, finally flashing your gaze away from his hypnotizing face. Your stomach flipped with butterflies under the touch of your best friend—a touch that felt familiar, yet so foreign in its unexplored way. He had never touched you like this before, so compassionate; yet laced with hunger. 

Then, as you finally processed what he had confessed, your eyes widened. “What?—” You were cut off by his lips connecting with yours, engulfing your thoughts in complete and utter bliss. For a brief moment, your eyes stayed open, and through it, all your resistance disappeared.

You melted against his towering frame, succumbing to your desires. His lips mended perfectly with yours in motions that were so passionate you could hardly focus on breathing.

You clutched onto Oikawa’s arm to steady your weakening knees. His kisses became rougher, hungrier, more intense with each passing moment. You became drunk on the lips that you had waited so long for.

“I love…” You gasped, trying to pull away and accept his confession. “I love you too.” 

“Good.” Oikawa curled his arm around your waist and pulled you onto his bed. You fell on top of him, a giggle escaping your lips. Your eyes flickered back down to his reddening lips, his position inviting you for more. But like before, Oikawa made the decision for you when his hands cupped your face and brought you towards him. 

You had years of kissing to cover. And with each movement your lips made, your emotions heightened, begging for more, begging for all of him. 

Lips refusing to disconnect, you shifted positions until you were straddling him. Oikawa groaned in response, the slightest movement from you causing him to grow hard. Instinctively, his hands moved from your face and latched onto your hips. The boy grasped them tightly, almost pawing in hopes that your clothes would fall away that easily. He wanted to take you as soon as he could, infatuated with you from day one. 

You needed him. Every fiber in your being was pulsating for the urge to become one. The way he moved his hips in response to your contact relayed that he felt the same. 

Refusing to contemplate if you should for another minute, you broke away from the kiss, saliva connecting your lips to his. Blushing, you gained a moment to breathe, cheeks tainted with evidence of your current, sinful state. You wanted more. But was now the right time? 

Staring into your mystifying eyes was enough to give Oikawa his answer. Yes, the right time was now. “She won’t hear.” He whispered. “If you can be quiet for me.” 

You nodded, swallowing the lump in your throat. There was no way you could leave his bedroom without satisfying the sensual urge that filled every sense. You ran your hands through Oikawa’s chocolate curls, pulling him as close as you could, the make out session escalating faster than you ever would have thought. 

Crawling out from underneath you, Oikawa beckoned you to switch positions. You obediently laid on your back, trying to avert your eyes in embarrassment as the boy you loved helped you out of your shirt. As both top garments slipped off your body, you felt the lustful heat creep back into your core, stimulated by the simplest action. 

Having your chest exposed for the first time, Oikawa ravished the touch, letting his hands linger and brush against all the places you had never let him before. Even if he had always fantasized about doing so, nothing could compare to the reality. 

Feeling the hotness of Oikawa’s mouth against your breasts almost caused you to moan out loud. How were you going to keep quiet? 

“Shh…” the boy whispered against your skin, grinding his hips into your core for another distraction. He was enjoying himself as much as you were. “Be quiet.” 

The hardness in his pants ignited something deep within you. It felt heavenly, the sexual contact so foreign from his hands, something you had wished for just as hard as he had. 

But your breaths soon become muffled mewls of erotic pleasure as Oikawa bruised the sensitive spot on your neck. He moved his hands down to your thighs, rubbing softly and sensually. 

"I want to see all of you..." He groaned against your skin, pulling his head away to stare into your own lust filled eyes, searching for any sort of conformation. 

You were flustered, pressed entirely against his chest as he continued to play with your body. How could you say no? That’s what was racing through your mind as his hands snaked down your sides and over your panties. Before you could process his actions, you felt his fingers against your clit, fingers rubbing in soft, slow circles. 

"T-Tooru..." You pleaded in short quick whimpers, not wanting him to stop grinding against the incredibly sensitive spot. No boy had ever teased you like this, with such tenderness and care. 

Confidence surged through your veins at his touch, exciting you and sending waves of passion across your body. With the newfound feeling, you decided to please him back, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling his face into your exposed chest. 

"I want you inside me..."You whimpered, grinding against his fingers to display just how badly you were wishing. 

"Fuck.. Y/N... don't say that..." Oikawa grunted, grasping hold of your chin to bring your lips back together with his. 

Despite the heated tongue locking, Oikawa continued to massage between your thighs, trailing under your shorts and past your underwear, until he quickly inserted them. You moaned loudly, tears gathering on your eyelids from how blissful it felt. "P-please..." You whined, gripping onto his shoulders as your clit pulsed with heat. 

The boy’s body was trembling just as much, the nerves finally setting in. All Oikawa wanted to do was please you, he wanted to do such a wonderful job that you were unable to think of anyone else. Though, no matter what happened, you would always think he was handsome, especially how apparent he made his emotions known, the sexual and the physical, his own composure coming undone against you. 

Moving your hands forward, you touched his toned chest, your fingers exploring and caressing every muscle you could get your hands on. Oikawa relaxed at the desperation laced within your actions, his breathing faltering for a moment before he grabbed your hands and forced them against bed. 

You stared deeply into his eyes, him doing the same. Take me. You pleaded silently.  Do it before it’s too late. 

The boy pinned you down, hovering over on one knee, not wasting another second to finally slide your panties down your legs until you were completely naked. You threw your head back at the contact of his hands caressing your breasts. 

"You're so beautiful." Oikawa whispered huskily. Astounded, he pulled away his boxers, revealing his own assets. Before you could fully take in his length, you felt his cock poke against your entrance. Bucking your hips in response, your movements caused your breasts to brush against his abs. The feeling of skin on skin was almost enough to push Oikawa over the edge, his member twitching in desperation. He had never felt like this before, utterly shocked by his devouring nature. 

He loved you. Oikawa couldn’t fight the attraction any longer. Now, there was no turning back. He had already resisted his entire life, waiting for the right moment until he was sure you could fully become his. He had put everything before you, yet now he wanted to put you first. 

Without another second to pass, Oikawa abruptly pulled your naked body to the edge of the bed and smiled down at your flustered cheeks. All this for him. No matter what had happened in the time you were apart, he still loved you the same. 

Though every subconscious thought throughout his teenage years had undoubtedly prepared him for this moment, he was still awestruck. Oikawa never could have guessed that he would have been in love with the same girl for his entire life, in love with you. 

“Tooru…” You whimpered, tone evidently conveying embarrassment. 

Despite the heat that pulsated between you and him, your legs unconsciously clasped back together at the sight of him, something you weren’t sure you could handle. What if you couldn’t please him? Everything you had ever wanted to do to him suddenly became a distant memory. You were frightened that he wouldn’t love you like he claimed afterwards. Exactly what had happened in your past relationship. 

"Are you okay?" Oikawa called out soothingly, even though deep inside he was embarrassed by your reaction. His cold fingers pried your legs back open so he could touch you lovingly, tenderly. He only wanted to appreciate you and everything you had done for him. 

“Yeah… “You nodded, wanting him to continue. Your thoughts were running ramped, wishing you could pour every emotion you had ever felt with him into this moment. You were going to move on from your past love, you were going to become a woman with the man you had always dreamt about. 

Oikawa kissed your inner thighs, leaving long and lingering sucks that made you squirm with pleasure.... It felt so nice but you refused to let out more than gasps, refusing to reveal your intentions to his mother, a woman you had known your entire life. 

Well, that was until the boy stuck his tongue inside of you.  

You gripped the sheets in panic, never imagining how incredible the feeling could be. "Oh my god..." You whimpered, throwing your head back at the sensation. 

Oikawa was simulated by your sounds, due to the speed his tongue licked and massaged against your clit. You grabbed his hair and pushed his face down harder, completely satisfied with how it felt.  Yet you couldn’t stop with just this-- you needed more. You needed all of him. All your worries faded into the background noise along with the crinkling sheets and low groan of your lover’s baritone. 

You closed your eyes for a moment, only feeling, only touching, only relishing in him. Your mind was filled with his bliss, his passion, his love. 

"Make love with me..." You panted, eyes pleading for the high only he could give you.  

Oikawa gazed down at your expression, his voice shaking from the pleasure. "Are you sure?" He didn't want to follow through with something you might regret, with something he could tell you had already regretted from the past with another boy. 

"Just do it." You moaned at the feeling of your region dripping from a mixture of your cum and his saliva. And at that moment, it was the first time you and Oikawa came together as one. 

"Tooru!" You cried softly, gasping in pain as his length penetrated your most sensitive spot. "Shit..." You cursed, squeezing his biceps for support as he slid deep into your throbbing cunt. 

Through desperation of a high, you pulled him closer, desperate to hold onto something to ease the pain of his gigantic shaft, burying your face into the crook of his neck. At your moans, Oikawa thrusted deeper, relishing in the sensation of your walls tightening around him. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath,  feeling on top of the world, feeling like he was in the dream he had always wanted to be in. 

"Y/N..." He whispered your name in a strained voice, the veins in his neck popping out. 

“Tooru…” Your breasts bounced up and down from his sensual movements, his ravishing desire  threatened to push you over the edge. Allowing yourself to be consumed by it, you could hardly feel him paw at your chest, tilting your head back as your body became limp. 

"Say my name again..."Oikawa groaned, his thrusts sliding deeper and his breath becoming heavier. "Nobody will hear you but me baby..." 

Oikawa shoved himself farther, and tears of pain and pleasure streamed down your face. You were so flustered that you couldn't seem to focus on anything except the sound of his skin slapping against yours, suddenly paranoid that his mother might hear. 

Praying that the door remained locked, you focused entirely on the moment you had been granted with your new boyfriend. All your fantasies were unfolding and you wanted to relish in them to their fullest extent. No more thinking about the past, he loved you the same, his consummation confirming as much. 

Oikawa slid out and back in, and with one swift motion you felt your body convulse. "Ah!" You gasped, nails digging into his bulging arms wildly. "Tooru... Fuck!" 

"Yeah..." Oikawa moaned, leaning down and resting his head in the crook of your neck. "Just like that baby..." He mumbled, the nickname sounding so dirty upon his lips. 

"Tooru...” you repeated his name as if it was a dream, as if he might leave you at any moment. “I love you…” You choked out between gasps, the pleasurable feeling building stronger and stronger below your abdomen. You couldn’t take the heat any longer, especially as he called you baby. “I’m gonna cum…” 

"Cum on me..." He groaned, knowing that it barely took anything to make you so weak and submissive to his touch. 

You moaned loudly, squeezing onto Oikawa with all your might as you released yourself onto his thick cock. "Oh my god..." You whined, the pressure finally fading away so you could catch your breath, despite your climax Oikawa refused to stop.

He wasn’t finished with you yet. 

"Fuck." He moaned, his forehead beating with sweat. "Keep moaning my name, I'll make you cum again." 

"T-Tooru..." You drew him closer, bodies moving together in sync. 

Your face displayed the sexiest, most alluring expression he had ever seen. Oikawa was breathless as he pumped in and out of you. He grit his teeth as the indulgence became unbearable, your walls contracting all around him.  

Oikawa loved you... he was lost in your beauty. He wanted to marry you, he wanted you all for himself. Was this what love felt like? He could really get used to it...

"P-Please..!" Your moans snapped him back fully. You were scratching his skin, wanting to burst at the feeling he gave you. "Tooru..." You bit your lip, gripping his wrists as he reached forward to pinch your nipples. 

Your breath hitched and you locked eyes for the final moment, you felt him twitch inside of you, his thrusts becoming sloppier and sloppier. Your eyes widened, your back arching against the bed as you climaxed together. "Pull out!" You begged. 

You didn’t want the penetration to end, but Oikawa pulled out at the last possible second, moaning as he coated your breasts with his cum. 

"Fuck..." He drawled, watching your chest rise and fall slowly. 

After finishing himself off, he collapsed on the bed right next to you, eyes closed, but a faint smile on your face. 

He leaned over to kiss you gently. You were trembling, but kissed him back just as passionately as the first. "That was amazing..." 

Oikawa exhaled in agreement, wishing this moment would never end. He almost forgot about everything that had happened. He really was lost in you. 

"Will you help me? It's dripping..." You whispered, wiping the liquid off your breasts with a tissue. Oikawa immediately shot up from the bed to hold you, cheeks red with embarrassment. "I'm sorry..." He muttered, refusing to look you in the eyes as he wiped himself off of you. 

"It's okay..." You  giggled, kissing his cheek. "I loved it." 

Loved. Oikawa’s heart began to beat faster, at this rate he could go for a second round. 

You glanced at your clothes scattered around the room. "Was it supposed to be that good? I never imagined sex could be that good..."

"So I'm that great huh?" Oikawa teased, slipping his hands around your waist and dragging you back onto his lap. The repeated skin on skin contact caused your heart to flutter once again. 

"The best I've ever had." You raised your eyebrows, scrunching your nose in response to the lighthearted chuckle that left his lips.  

"But in all seriousness." He touched your face lovingly, and you instinctively leaned into the touch, grinning at him with flustered cheeks. "I think it's because we are made for each other." 

Your eyes glistened with faint tears at the confession, a confession that would never be topped by another, that would resonate with your heart and soul for the rest of your life. Oikawa, your first and your last love. 

"Me too."

After a couple more minutes of lazy kisses and playful wrestling, Oikawa slipped back into his clothes and retreated to the bathroom. Eyes trailing his stalking frame, you smiled. 

Oikawa was finally yours, the one thing your heart had been craving your years. Now, the split through your heart was starting to mend. His touch alone, romantic or friendly, was enough. 

Your boyfriend came back into the room, laughing. “You might want to fix your hair before we have dinner with my mom.” 

Immediately flustered, you finished changing back into your outfit, straightening out any possible wrinkle that could indicate the passion that had just unfolded. You brushed through your hair with your fingers and applied some chapstick. All the while, Oikawa watched you from a distance, admiring the thought you put into your appearance for his family whether it was out of embarrassment or not. 

You had always cared about him. 

“You look great, there’s no need to worry.” Oikawa took hold of your hands, pulling you into his chest so he could envelop you in a bone crushing hug. 

“Thank you…” You chuckled, squeezing him even tighter in response. “It feels good to finally admit how much I love you.” 

Surely there would be moments where you would reflect on the past, yet, the turmoil was no longer at the forefront of your mind. 

Your previous suffering was all worth it in the end now that you had found your happiness. A happiness that you knew would last a lifetime. 

“Me too, Y/N.” 

You had made it. 

“Hi, Haru.” Your voice seemed loud as it contrasted against the silence of the graveyard. It was a chilly evening, yet Oikawa’s warmth enveloped your senses. You had never come to your brother’s grave with another. It never felt right to have someone intrude on the brief moments you would come to visit, where you would update him in hopes that he was watching your life unfold from above. Haru had been taken from the world far too soon, and now you were finally starting to come to terms with his passing, almost three years later. 

Staring at his headstone would never not break your heart in two. No matter how hard you tried, you would never forget his youthful face, a face that never held animosity towards anything. It wasn’t fair, it would never be fair. 

No child should die before their parents. 

But now you had Oikawa by your side, the thought of talking over your younger brother’s corpse was bearable. Oikawa insisted that he help carry your burden, washing away your regrets and instead encouraging you to think of the future Haru would have wished for. 

“You remember Tooru, don’t you?” You chuckled. “He misses you too.” 

Oikawa stood next to you, grasping your hand for support. He really didn’t want to watch you cry, yet he realized it might happen. Over the years he had only watched you cry a handful of times, you were normally so strong. 

“Haru,” You started, feeling Oikawa’s thumb over the ring on your finger. You smiled, using your free hand to wipe the tears gathering at your eyelids. “Tooru and I are getting married next month.” 

“I hope you approve.” Oikawa whispered, releasing your hand with a saddening smile. 

“Of course he does.” You managed to laugh. “I mean…He better. You always let him play with you and your friends.” 

Oikawa stepped forward and knelt to set a bouquet of flowers against the headstone. “I wish you could be here, kid.” 

Your fiance came back to your side and kissed your cheek. The hope that Haru was watching over you and Oikawa was enough to give you the courage to move forward. Another gust of wind rustled the trees above you, and through the commotion, came a bird to perch against Haru’s headstone. 

Your fiance grasped your hand once more and pulled you away from the grave. “I love you, and so does Haru.”

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[nightmaretyrantvantas]

Wont you let me take you to the other side?- A dark sides au intrulogical story

okaaaaaay I got hit with alot of inspiration for this one! I was listening to the song The Other Side from The Greatest Showman ( and had @softmushie ‘s animatic of the song on repeat for like an hour its so good) and as I was listening I started thinking and suddenly this song fit these two perfectly for this au.

A bit of context: Remus is pretty damn tired of the light sides and his brother always taking things from him and virgil and the other dark sides and decides that they need a taste of their own medicine, and he knows EXACTLY what to do to do it~

I hope you guys enjoy, I had alot of fun doing this and there will be a corresponding picture being drawn( since I dont have the tools to make animatics- theres an animatic in this that im just writing out at this point) So if this comes off as a song fic thats part of the plan

Anyway enjoy!!

Warnings: Crude language, cursing, remus being remus, unsympathetic sides(all sides not just one, depends on whose side youre viewing the conflict from) Sympathetic dark sides, Sexual implications and innuendos somewhere

Logan would pride himself on being many things, such as prepared for almost any situation. He was rational, logic, level-headedness, problem solver, calm. He was prepared for many things thrown at the sides and at Thomas. 

He knew how to calmly ease Deceit’s insecurities about his new role. He knew how to reel back Roman from going overboard and exhausting himself before he can expand on any one idea. He knew how to calm Patton down when and urge him to talk before he bottled up too much negativity. He would even risk saying he could keep the dark sides from causing too much mayhem, as difficult as they could make themselves. Logan was efficient and orderly, and he tried to keep most of the mindscape, and Thomas, the same way despite any roadblocks or shenanigans.

Despite this he was not prepared for everything that could happen, which is what landed him in his current predicament. 

Logan’s head throbbed lightly as he pried his eyes open, as if he had a headache or had been hit hard over the head with something heavy. When he had gathered his bearings he looked up to find himself in a dark space shrouded in black, sitting at the end up a sleek dark table. A glance down showed him he was not restrained in any visible way, and he could get up and leave if he so wanted. But where he would be leaving was unclear, and he stayed seated as he thought back to what happened and how he would’ve gotten here. ‘ Lets see....we were brainstorming another video idea...I was with Roman...we were bickering over an idea of his and the actuality of Thomas being able to pull it off in a timely matter or if we should go with something else...it was a bit of a stalemate so to speak...and then Roman yelled something about behind me...and then I saw a glimpse of green...and then...The last thing I can remember seeing was--’

“ Remus.” He said firmly. Thats when he heard a familiar laugh at the other end of the table.

“ You called Logan darling~?” Logan sighed and briefly pinched the bridge of his nose to maintain his composure before reopening his eyes and locking them with the wild, glowing green eyes of the side across from him. 

Remus was sitting at the other side of the table with his chair tilted back in a precarious balancing act and a wide grin on his face that reeked of bad intentions...or maybe that was just Remus in general. Logan sat himself up straighter in his chair and sighed.

“ Remus would you please explain where we are, and why you felt the need to knock me out to bring me here.” Remus only shrugged at first, tapping freshly painted black nails on the desk where he could reach. Despite the casual feel to his movements his eyes were unusually sharp and focused, trapping Logan in their grip. He couldnt help the irritated huff he gave, and he tapped his foot a little.

“ Remus please, I’m not in the mood for these games of yours right now. Wheres the exit.” All he got back was an amused hum and the thud of his chair remeeting the floor and the creak as the other leaned towards him.

“ oh ho ho~ No games today Lo-lo not this time...This time I’d like to put an offer for you out on the table.” He gave a grand sweep gesture over the table and grinned, eyes glittering with something Logan recognized somewhere else. Stubborn-ness, determination.

He saw it in Roman’s eyes far too often to mistake it. 

“ An...offer? Remus...what are you talking about?” Remus seemed to wave off his clear suspicion and continued his pitch, voice enthusiastic and honest.

“ Cmon lo! I dont want to have to keep chasing you down for it...but I know you see it too. Drop the stuffy ties with those light side pricks and try running with me.” Logan was stunned, too stunned to reply at first. And Remus took that opportunity to keep going.

“ You can run with me, and I can cut you free from them and all the burdens they keep piling on. Out of all that drudgery and the walls that are keeping you in!” He leaned forward more, palms flat on the table as he stood from his chair.

“ Lets trade that boring typical for something different, something colorful! And if its bad or crazy? Fuck it lets live a little crazy!” Logan only had time to blink before Remus was standing beside him, leaning close.

“ You can play it sensible, their king of the conventional. Or you can risk it all and see...dont you just wanna get away from this same old boooooooring part they make you play?” He felt Remus’s hand glid over his chest and shoulder as he circled around the chair, another grand gesture made with his other hand.

“ Because frankly specs, I got more of what you need! So just come with me and take the ride~ and I’ll take you to the other side! Because dont get me wrong...” Another blink and the other was seated directly in front of him on top of the table, one leg crossed over the other and his heeled boot lightly pressing on his thigh above his knee.

“ you can keep doing like you do...or you can do like me! You can stay in you boring little cage, or you can finally take the key...” A golden key dangled in his right hand tauntingly, as his other hand wrapped around Logan’s tie and pulled him up so their faces were close. He lowered his voice to a soften, smooth tone as his smiled curled into a small smirk.

“ Well damn, then suddenly youre free to fly....Just let me take you to the other side.” 

Logan blinked, once then twice as he processed what was happening as quickly as he could. And once it had he almost let out a bit of a laugh. Remus was persuasive when he was passionate about something, Logan wouldnt deny him that. His words were urging and hypnotic, but that alone wouldnt make the logical side swoon. So he sighed through his nose and put his hand on the wrist holding his tie and met his eyes confidently. 

“ Ok Remus, you want to...” cut me in” so to speak. You want me to join the dark sides with you correct? As...gilded and lovely as you make the offer to be...” He gently pushed his hand off and leaned back in his chair, straightening his tie with a calm, composed expression.

“ Well I hate to tell youm but it simply just wont happen. So I give you my thanks, but no. I think im good to go.” He gave a small smirk and stood from the chair and took a step away, casually dusting his shoulders off as he did.

“ Because despite what you say I quite enjoy the life you claim to say im trapped in. Not to completely disregard you now,” He glanced back, dark blue cutting into bright green as the table disappeared and left the two standing face to face in the darkness 

“ Now, I’ll admit I do admire you, and this whole show you can do. Youre onto something Remus, really youre onto something I can say I’ll be proud of you for. But I have to stay among the light sides and rationality, and cannot afford to give in to recklessness. That, I’ll have to leave that up to you.” He chuckled softly with his words and stood up straighter, his smiling faded as he took a more serious approach, turning on his heels to walk away.

“ Dont you know that im ok with this “ uptown” part I get to play. Because there I got what I need and I dont wish to take your ride. So I dont need to see the other side.” He turned and began to walk, waving his hand to dismiss the idea away.

“ So you go back and do like you do, I’m well and good to do like me. I am not in some so called cage...so I dont need to take your key Remus. I believe you can see I’m doing just fine. I dont need you to take me to the other side.” Remus narrowed his eyes and let out his own sigh, watching his back with more seriousness.

“ Is that really how you like to spend your days? Wasted and in misery, locked in their rules and pretty plays?” Logan glanced back with a stern look.

“ If I were to be mixed up with you, I’d be the talk of the mindscape. I’d likely be disgraced and disowned, discarded as unfit for my role as logic.” 

Logan had blinked once and suddenly he was swept off his feet and in a twirl. He let out a startled noise as Remus led him in a extravagant waltz, arms around him and keeping him close as the world around them melted and swirled into a  luxurious and gothic ballroom hall, green candlelight flickering and glowing as they danced round and round. Here in his arms Logan realized for the first time that Remus was actually taller than him, and that the other could dance beautifully and elegantly while Logan stumbled along with him. Remus didnt seem to mind as he chuckled and led Logan round and round to music he couldve sworn floated at the edges of his hearing, something somber and sweet on the violin or piano maybe. 

“ Cmon Logan dont you enjoy this? The freedom, the thrill?” Logan looked up again and opened his mouth to repeat his stance when Remus leaned close

“ You would finally get to live a little, finally laugh a little....just let me give you the freedom to dream and to breathe a little...” Another twirl and he spun Logan once like a princess before continuing their dance.

“ It’ll wake you up and cure all your aching, I’ll take all your walls and we’ll start ‘em breaking! Now to me that seems like a deal...a risk well worth taking~” He then spun Logan away from him, and the logical side found himself a little speechless as the scene morphed once more. Remus himself fell into a deep sweeping bow as he smiled, a bow worthy of a King’s presence. And for the one moment Logan realized he could feel the weight of a crown on his head, could see parts of the elegant and simple royal robes he was donning and the throne room he now stood at the head of, moonlight pouring in and giving it all an almost heavenly glow. His eyes met Remus’s once more, and he saw they were glittering in the moonlight, like green jewels. And all at once the moonlight faded and Remus pulled himself up. Logan briefly felt a hand slide sensually, longingly across his cheek as it grew darker, and as Remus’s voice grew softer.

“ But I guess I’ll leave that decision up to you Logan...” 

He blinked and found himself standing in the hallway, right in front of his room, normal attire and Remus nowhere in sight. It was dark, most likely night now and he could feel Thomas sleeping. 

He was back home...right?  

Logan took a deep breath as quietly as he could and shook his head, trying to dismiss the whole ordeal as perhaps nothing but a vivid dream of sorts...He let his shoulders slump a little as he headed into his room to go work on some things before bed. But he stopped as his door clicked shut, eyes locked on the single thorny blue rose sitting in the center of his desk. He felt warmth flood his cheeks as his fingers brushed one of the silk soft petals. He caught a glimpse of a single lined note attached to the stem, the paper spotted with a couple suspicious red dots and curvy, messy handwriting.

‘ I’ll be waiting on your answer, you know where to find me once you do~ Until then darling’

aaaaaaaaaand tadaaaa! Its done!! I hope you guys like it!!

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