#maybe because this shows how my tastes have changed over the past few years?
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alarming-prism · 1 year ago
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i don't have space in my room to sort out my fun books from my academic books so i fully have my brave new world next to my red white & royal blue next to my nietzsche's kisses next to my mary oliver next to my fengqing zine like ah. there is no consistency here
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sciencebecameouraddiction · 8 months ago
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my lucifer headcanons
note: these are just my own head canons. things i’ve noticed, how i write lucifer, what plays into why i write luce the way i do… etc. purely my own opinion.
- i think michael was very fond of his brother
- when the time came though to listen to dad and fulfill his duty or be a brother to lucifer michael chose duty
- the betrayal is still a sore spot for lucifer
- during lucifer’s “youth” he was curious, always dreaming up incredible creations… it was why he was dads favorite.
- he made the star fish, “because the sea deserves its own stars!” and he also made the duck. the ducks first iteration was quite a bit larger… lucifer and god compromised on a smaller duck. (more like god bribed lucifer.)
- he watched adam be made…. so he was always fond of him and lilith… until he fell in love with lilith…
- he didn’t realize it was love
- but michael knew and michael was scared. so he would draw lucifer away from the garden every chance he got
- lucifer was very naive when he was cast down to hell. he knew so much, he had been alive for so long, but there was so much life experience he didn’t have.
- the first few years in hell were horrible…
- he had hope at first
- maybe it all wouldn’t be so bad
- it was really bad. like really bad. the people who came down to hell were unspeakable devils
- (this is based off a fic i read and i can’t find it, if this rings any bells pls let me know the fic name) but lucifer is continuously appalled and distraught by the atrocities committed in his name.
- it’s one of the reasons he so powerful. he has the angelic power but also the power from those who worship him and make sacrifices for him
he really hates it. a lot. makes him feel no better than the worse overlord (cough alastor cough)
- charlie has no idea and she’ll never know if he can help it
- lucifer smells like apples and vanilla musk, a hint of cinnamon and something floral or citrusy.
- the floral or citrus changes depending on his mood
- he has a huge library. he actually pops up to earth with Asmodeous sometimes and takes books.
- he saved the whole Library of Alexandria’s books before it burned down
- he’s great friends with all the sins
- arguably closest with Beelzebub and Asmodeous
- he loves claw machines. the lights, the sounds, the prize winning???? he’s so fucking happy
- he actually wears glasses to read. he doesn’t need them but he says they make him look smarter.
- is actually a pretty good leader, is not nearly as forgiving as charlie is, but he’s not inherently cruel
- his third favorite color is pink
- his first and second are yellow and red, obviously
- he has expensive ass, maximalist taste.
- he doesn’t use tech because he knows what vox does to said tech.
- he’s always wanted a dog
- he’s very touchy. shows love physically. is only this way if he likes you though
- he has nightmares almost every night
- coffee addict
- because after not sleeping he wakes up looking like death warmed over
- and that’s if he didn’t forget to eat the past few days except for random snacks and didn’t do a 48 hour blitz of staying up working on ducks or the bit of kingdom shit he does.
- he has a handful of servants who he trusts and they are the only one in the house. there’s no team. nothing like that. he keeps it very close
- this was after someone who was a servant tried to throw an angelic dagger at his head because really they wanted to kill him and thought working for him would get them close enough.
- he homeschooled charlie. he knows a lot of stuff and even knew the guy who created calculus!
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meandhisjohn · 1 year ago
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News from a crazy mind...
Sherlock, mental health and the support from a fandom.
When Sherlock becomes what the doctor ordered....
100 days lie between those moments.
100 days since I wanted to die.
100 days since I emailed Dignitas.
100 days full of struggle and hope.
100 days later I made it out of hell again.
A handful of people who showed me unconditional love during the hardest setback of my disorder career.
I will love them till the day I die.
And once again the Sherlock world saved my soul before I destroyed it myself.
A fandom full of kindness and support and a detective and a doctor who saved me in more ways than they can ever imagine.
Had a doctors appointment on Friday and I have one hell of a doctor.
Not as good as John Watson but highly supportive of anything that increases my strength.
We talked about a little miracle.
A miracle that sounds so incredibly stupid but it is such a huge thing.
For the past five years I have to take besides my regular medication in mornings and in the evenings a little extra cocktail of meds in the afternoon to keep my extreme nervousness in check.
I'm nervous and tense 24/7 and it takes a toll on my body sometimes.
It makes it very hard to sleep and to find a way to sit still.
So the extra meds are necessary..
Ten days ago I started to listen to Podfics and quickly discovered a new way to enjoy the Sherlock universe.
I'm 43 years old and retired since I was 39 because my body couldn't take the stress anymore.
I have some free times during the day and I made it a habit for the past ten days to listen to Podfics in the afternoon and again at night.
And suddenly I could sleep and, and here comes the miracle..
I forgot to take my afternoon meds.
Even more my body relaxed in a way I haven't experienced in decades.
My body was obviously as surprised as I am because since a few days I have to drink a coffee in the afternoon, otherwise I would fall asleep.
I can only drink coffee without caffeine which tastes awful but otherwise my nervousness goes through the roof and I shake like a leaf.
But now instead of taking an extra dose of anxiety relief pills I take a real good old black coffee full of caffeine after listening to Podfics.
And that sounds incredibly ridiculous but for me it is a miracle because for the first time in over 15 years I feel calm and not because of a chemical reaction but because of a human reaction.
I know @totallysilvergirl had no idea what would happen by telling me about Podfics but I will never forget it!
Back to my incredible doctor who saw the change from a person who was determined to end this endless circle of depression and anxiety to a person who smiles again.
Now he ordered a six months try of daily Podfics ( no joke) to see if my blood levels improves and accordingly my medication can be reduced.
He knows that in the past three years my disorder was always better during my Sherlock highs so he is actually happy about the new development.
Long story short ( too late I know)
Do whatever feels right for you!
Invent your own therapy!
Do what makes you happy no matter how unconventional it might be.
Because you matter!!!!
I attach you my new and exciting Podfic collection for you.
Maybe you will find something you like.
Of course everything is available in Reading form as well.
Be happy in your own, weird, wonderful way.
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@keirgreeneyes @discordantwords @a-victorian-girl @bewitched-bullet @lisbeth-kk @whatnext2020 @inevitably-johnlocked @barachiki @babaybo @jobooksncoffee @rey-jake-therapist @missdeliadili @helloliriels @podfixx @johnlocky @johnlockpodficclub @johnlockficclub @peanitbear @strawberrywinter4 @chocolate1elise @kettykika78
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wearentdelulu · 1 month ago
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Into you: Jungkook x Fem Reader 🔞💚
Summary: Kook is one of the most popular faceless streamers in Seoul. He’s known for his flirting personality to his fans. Anya is one of them. She develops a crush on him over the last few months of watching him. How would she get his attention? What would he do once he gets it?
Author’s Note: this story does contain mature material and language. Also this story was inspired by (jamjars on AO3. The story 97.6!!!) I hope you all enjoyed :)!!
Chapter One~
“Okay that’s all for today guys, try not to dream about me too much. I’ll come back on tomorrow night so you all better be there. Especially my beautiful ladies….”
………….
“Don’t go? Oh you guys want me to stay on all night? I’m sorry but I need to wash up……unless someone wants to help me with that…” he says in a flirty tone.
He had no reason to sound that hot. It should be illegal. Every night at 6:30pm sharp Anya grabs her phone and sprints to her room to tune on it his stream. He plays these strange horror games and fighting games. She never been interested in video games, her little brother is a video game addict so she’s never cared about it. Until one day she came home from work to visit her parents house. They always begged to see her. Something about “don’t forget where you came from”. Gotta admit they were kinda clingy. After she greeted them she made her way to her brother Aiden’s room. He was sleeping, but his computer monitor was on. She walks in and followed the voice coming from the screen. And that’s when she hear him for the first time……
Kook is a very popular faceless streamer. He never showed his face, but Anya didn’t need to see him to know he was hot. The way his voice sounds in her ear makes her brain tingle. So that day she got Kook’s information and went home to do her own research on him.
Apparently he’s 25 years old and he’s in college just like her. He works out….boxing probably? He’s an extreme flirt and he loves to sing. She only knew this because he would say subtle things about himself that she mentally wrote down. The way he talks to his supporters makes it seem like he doesn’t have a girlfriend but…..who knows maybe he does.
But it wasn’t just about his looks or his voice that made Anya interested in him and his content. It was the he made her feel confident and secure. Anya was a very insecure person, I mean who wouldn’t be when you grew up with your old classmates calling you fat and ugly. Some people are just too cruel with their words. So of course she’s insecure and slightly depressed by the constant reminder of her body. Until Kook gave his viewers some advice on a situation similar to hers.
“Fuck anyone who makes you feel like shit. You’re human just like them who cares if you’re fat or skinny. Be you and be yourself and watch how miserable you’ll make them.”
She’ll never forget that. He’s right and ever since she heard him say that she’s seen life through a different perspective. No more excuses for letting people like that get to her. No more holding back her tongue. No more getting ran over. This was a new Anya. A version that was healing from past trauma and moving forward with her life.
She’s been a fan of Kook’s streams for only about seven months now but she feels like she knew him forever. I know that sounds absolutely insane right? But no seriously she does a lot of things he does on a weekly basis. It’s almost identical to her schedule….well except streaming. They have the same taste in music and love horror movies. He also mentioned that he goes to this gym not too far from where she lives, so does that mean he lives close? What if she seen him before walking home or what if she was next to him in line, but she wouldn’t know what he looks like only what he sounds like…..
She didn’t want to seem like she idolized him in a weird one-sized way. She’d leave the idolizing to Ariana Grande probably one of the most perfect people in the world. Anya’s friends didn’t even notice to subtle change in her behavior and appearance to. Yeah Kook even influenced her to dress differently. Before it was only yoga pants and random shirts with those stupid little words on them like “good vibes” or “keep calm and quiet” some bullshit like that, but now she since she found out that Kook likes the color black and he wears oversized clothing she just had to change up her wardrobe. It was definitely time to. She would wear an oversized black hoodie and a bucket hat…….yeah even in the summer time. Now she’s more comfortable and secure in her appearance.
She try’s to convince herself that her new interests aren’t weird. Following a streamer and basically knowing a lot of things about him made her realize that oh shit she has a crush on him. To be fair she’s been single for almost two years, and she just assumed that she’s a bit touch starved and leaves it at that.
It’s not until on a regular Thursday afternoon she notices the slight change in Kook’s behavior, and it left her feeling very anxious and fidgety. Normally Kook comes on stream with his witty charisma and bundle of energy. He throws in a few flirty remarks and starts the stream up.
“Yoo welcome back to the stream. Mmm look at the comments rolling in. Looks like you guys are needy today huh? Good thing I’m here to….satisfy those needs.”
That’s what Anya is used to, but today something is off. As soon as she got the notification she joined immediately and noticed the slight change in his voice.
“Hey guys welcome to the stream. Today we’re going to finish the last game we played yesterday….”
He sounded tired and annoyed like he didn’t want to stream today. He didn’t read a single comment it’s like he didn’t even look. As Anya chewed on her fingernails in worry she sees the comments talking about the change in his tone. He completely ignores it. In fact he hardly even spoke the whole time. The way he moved in the game looks like he’s dragging it. He’s a sore loser and he’s lost so many times now. One thing about Kook he doesn’t lose. She can hear the occasionally sigh that he lets out and she feels guilty. How can she help? What can she do?
Without thinking she goes through the comments and looks for his mods. He only had a few but he always would say that if we need anything we can ask his mod and they’ll help. She finds a certain mod by the name of JMochi. She’s never messaged a mod before so this all a bit nerve racking for her. She clicks on his name and decides to send a message.
“Hi sorry this is a bit strange but if you can please tell Kook that I hope everything is okay with him. He seems a bit down today and not his normal flirty, energetic self. Maybe I’m just speculating on my part and I’m sorry if I am but I really hope you pass on my message to him. Thank you again.”
Okay that kind of made her feel a bit better. Hopefully he-
JMochi: well hello there looks like someone noticed his behavior.
He replied back? She didn’t think he would and definitely not that fast either. She takes a deep breath and text back.
“Oh hi I didn’t expect a response. Yes I did notice his behavior and I’m a bit concerned. I’ve been a viewer for months now and I’ve never seen him behave his way.”
JMochi: yeah he’s normally not this much of a downer. I’m surprised someone else noticed enough to text me directly. I will definitely pass on your message. Is there anything else you want me to tell him?
She thinks for a moment. There’s so much she wants to say but right now she can surpass her eagerness and just be a supportive fan.
“Also that I’m a fan of his content and I love his streams. He’s amazing and I hope he knows how much of an impact he’s making in other peoples lives.”
JMochi: got it. I’ll let him know. Thanks Anya.
“Wait how do you know my name?”
JMochi: your username is Anya0901 very ironic that those numbers are Kook’s birthday.
Oh no he probably thinks she’s a complete stalker fan who has an obsession with him. This is bad really bad.
JMochi: don’t worry I won’t tell him about your
name I’ll keep it just between us.
She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. That could’ve been worse than she thought.
“Thank you….yes please don’t tell him. I rather be anonymous. But if he asks for a name you can just tell him “A”. That would be appreciated.
JMochi: no problem “A”. Can’t wait to hear more from you.
Anya was freaking out over the text messages between her and JMochi. She didn’t want to come off as a weird stalker fan, speaking of she should change her username immediately. After a few minutes of having a mental breakdown Kook ends his stream without even saying goodbye. She worried about him and hoped that JMochi delivered her message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Ugh fuck this.” Kook says as he comes home from a long day from work. Everyday was pretty shitty but today was the icing on the cake. Kook works at a local Best Buy. In case you didn’t know he’s obsessed with technology and gaming equipment. Despite his asshole of a boss you could possibly say he actually likes his job, but he wouldn’t admit that out loud. To be fair he really doesn’t need a job. Streaming makes him enough money to pay his bills with no problem. And the fact that he’s a faceless streamer makes his audience grow even more.
It didn’t always start off with gaming for Kook. Growing up he was very active and athletic. Basketball, baseball, football, you name it and Kook has probably done it. Playing video games was just a hobby for him. You know coming home from practice just to hop on the game. It was his routine for so long. Since he graduated he had more time to play. His college classes were in the morning, so after classes he’d get on the game. Until one day he decides to make a streaming account. After creating his account he sets up his monitor and presses “go live”. He didn’t feel as confident as he normally did that day so he didn’t turn his camera on, and that’s when the viewers came in.
Kook then realized that he could possibly make a living just by playing video games. His channel grew rapidly over the years and he couldn’t be more happy for himself. The money was definitely a plus. He was able to keep up with the rent for him and his roommate Jimin. They’ve been living together since graduation and for a while it was hard for both of them to keep up with rent, until Kook started streaming.
“You look like shit.” Jimin says as he watches Kook come in the house. Jimin also streams but he’s more of a YouTuber type of guy. You know the ones who do those stupid staged pranks and vlog’s everything except for Kook. Jimin valued his privacy and never put him on camera for his sake.
“Thanks” Kook says not hiding the sarcasm in his voice. “I’m hungry did you cook?”
“What am I? Your wife?” Jimin says sitting on the couch tapping away at his computer.
“Hell no, what kind of idiot would willingly marry you.?” Kook replies looking through the fridge finding anything to eat. They just bought groceries how does the food disappear so quickly?
“You’d be surprised. You should see my DM’s. Women are obsessed with me Kook. Don’t be jealous.”
Kook ignores him.
“Are you streaming? You look extra mad today.”
Kook lets out an annoyed huff. “Work was shitty. My mom called me and told me my brother fell off his bike again. He’s in the hospital but he’s doing good.” He grabs some sandwich meat from the fridge. “It doesn’t make sense. He always does something reckless and leaves me and our parents worried. Not to mention when I got the call I couldn’t go visit him because of all the days of work I missed last week so that ruined my whole mood.”
Jimin looks up from his computer, a hint of concern and sympathy in his eyes. “I’m sorry Kook at least your brother is doing well. It could’ve been worse.”
“I just need to get my mind off of it. I would call Yuna but apparently she’s busy. So yeah streaming it is.” Yuna was Kook’s fuck buddy. They’ve been on and off for over a year now and it’s pretty toxic. When either of them would have the slightest inconvenience, they’ll called each other, fuck for about an hour, then go home. Kook likes to call it his “stress reliever” other than smoking. One thing about Kook he doesn’t do relationships, hell he couldn’t even remember the last time he’s been in one. He’s strictly a fuck-and-go type of guy, and so is Yuna. They made it clear in the beginning that they didn’t
want anything serious and no feelings involved. So he’s used to her being available whenever he needs her, but the fact that she’s “busy” pissed him off even more. He wanted to take his frustration out on her. Fuck her so hard that she couldn’t walk the next morning. Shove her face into the mattress, choke her, spank her, hell sometimes he’d tie her up and pin her to the bed just so he could leave marks and bites on her. But now he’s left with no one at the moment and that makes him even more upset.
“Yuna is hoe you know that right? Shouldn’t you…..I don’t know find someone who doesnt fuck the entire city?” Jimin says.
Why did that make Kook even more pissed. “So what? I don’t care about her.” And he actually meant that. As bad as it sounds he really didn’t care about her. Why should he? She’s didn’t care about him.
“You want me to moderate your stream today? Or you want me to call Taehyung to do it?” Jimin was Kook’s first moderator ever. He’s a great mod, he always makes sure Kook’s streams are doing well and he removes the few hate comments he gets. Also Jimin is the only person who has access to his DM’s. Kook has thousands of messages of horny teenage girls and men. They never seen his face and yet they insist that they should fuck him. He would be lying if he said he didn’t like the attention but over some time it gets weird and uncomfortable. So he trusts Jimin to go through his DM’s to make sure he doesn’t miss out on any brand deals or anything involving his work ethic.
“You do it.” He said bluntly as he walks away, disappearing into his room. He hopes that if he gets to kill some zombies or something that would help with his frustration at the moment. Unfortunately it didn’t. Some viewers noticed the change in his attitude and keep insisting on him to talk about it. What is this therapy? No it’s just a regular stream. His viewers should be more focused on his gameplay more than anything and yet he hasn’t won not one round. All the comments weren’t making him feel better at all and without thinking he ends the stream earlier than he usually does. He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair trying to calm himself down. Today was really a shitty day and the only thing that could take away this frustration temporary is alcohol and smoking.
He takes off his head set and heads for his door, only to be face to face with Jimin. He was smiling. Which made Kook really uncomfortable at the moment.
“What?” Kook says impatiently, mind focused on nothing but alcohol and that damn vape. And Jimin here is delaying the process.
“Looks like you have a secret admirer.” He says in a singing tone. Secret admirer? Of course he does he gets messages like that every day. But right now he didn’t want to hear another story about how a 40 year old virgin is offering to pay him thousands of dollars just to fuck them. He denied that offer by the way.
“Don’t care now move.” Jimin stops him in his tracks. His face calm and collected. Why was he always so persistent. It was a good and bad thing.
“Look at this message.” He pulls out his phone and practically shoves the phone in his face. Kook was this close to shoving Jimin’s face into the nearest wall if he kept this up. But he would that’s the thing. He’d keep going until Kook finally gave in.
Kook took the phone and read the message on the screen. As he read it his frustration was quickly replaced with a pang of gratitude. He can’t remember the last time someone actually cared about his feelings enough to personally message Jimin. And why the hell did it make his heart warm up. Something about the way her words felt so….caring? Kind? Kook didn’t know why the hell a message from this stranger made him feel better than he did moments ago. He tried to hide the slight smirk on his face when he sees the way she praises him.
“Is that a smile I see?” JImin teases. Kook’s smirk immediately dropped. The last thing he needs is for jimin to start gloating like a child.
“Who is this? Oh let me guess she’s either 40 or 14 years old.” Kook says returning the phone and heading towards the kitchen. He completely forgot why he needed to come in here in the first place.
“Nope she’s 24 years old. I might’ve looked her up before telling you about her. Gotta say she’s hot.”
“Cool.” Kook says nonchalantly looking through the fridge for something he can’t quite remember. Those text messages making his mood change slightly. Something inside of him wants to thank her for the kind words, but when has Kook ever done that? Jimin is in charge of the messages he receives and he isn’t the type to just thank someone so casually. Call it cockiness but he’s use to it. Use to getting what he wants and not really dealing with the consequences after. It’s just who he is….who he’s always been.
“Cool, huh?” Jimin mocks. He can read Kook like a book and can tell his mood change after he seen the message. “Okay then I’ll tell “A” you said ‘cool’ after she took the time out of her day to make sure you were alright. Unlike some other people. “Jimin pulls out his phone to type out a message”
“Wait…” Kook says with a sigh. As much as he doesn’t want to admit it Jimin was right. It feels weird to just ignore the kind words from her. “I’ll thank her on tomorrow’s stream okay?”
Jimin grins as if he already knew he’d do that. “I’m proud of you Jungkook. You’re a changed man.”
Kook hasn’t heard someone say his full name in years. Jimin only does that when he’s trying to be childish and immature. And god he hates it more than anything and Jimin knows that. It’s like he gets off to Kook’s anger. He’s fucking weird but he’s also his best friend and he doesn’t trust anyone else other than him and Taehyung.
“Whatever don’t make it seem like I’m just an asshole. I care about my fans who care about me okay?” Kook reaches in the fridge to grab a can of beer and walks back into his room. Once his alone with his thoughts he thinks back to the message from earlier. How can someone care about him when they didn’t even know him. Let alone seen him either. He doesn’t understand yet he’s happy he could at least get out of his shitty mood from earlier today.
He gets on his computer and goes over his assignments for the week. Although he despises school and has a deep hatred for it he does want to graduate and who knows he’d probably get his degree and work for this big tech firm. Maybe he could even convince his brain dead brother to actually take his life seriously. He didn’t want to become one of those strict older brothers who acts like a third parent but Kook’s brother is really reckless and it worries him more than anything. He grabs his phone and decides to call him just to make sure he’s okay and safe.
“Jungkook what’s up?” Junghyun say and he can hear the grin in his voice. “Don’t worry I’m fine I’m better than fine. The doctors here are so hot. I should come more often.”
Idiot. He’s a completely idiot. He’s making it seem as if he’s immoral. What the hell are seventeen year olds doing nowadays anyway? When he was his age he was playing sports and partying, but Junghyun is treating life as if it ends tomorrow.
“You’re an idiot. Do you know how worried our parents are? You’re lucky I’m not there to beat your ass for being so reckless.”
“Awww love you too bro.” Junghyun says with a smile on his face. Kook has his own way to express his love and concern and this was it.
“Whatever just don’t do it again.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next morning Anya walks into her classroom and prepares for her morning lecture. Why the hell did she decide to do tech? She can barely change a light bulb. It’s time to start looking for a new major.
As the classroom starts to fill up with students one in particular catches her eye every morning. He wasn’t a new student, in fact Anya has seen him a couple of times on campus. He sits in the back with a couple of other students. It’s too mediocre to call them “popular kids” but they are. The guy was always dressed in black and wears the same black bucket hat almost everyday. He has an eyebrow and lip piercing which is very hot in Anya’s opinion. No not opinion it’s a fact. His entire right arm was covered in tattoos. Even down to his fingers. It doesn’t take an idiot to see how hot he was. The entire class- no the entire school knew it. Not even just him. He surrounded himself with six other students who were just as hot as he was. She recognized one of them. Jimin is a YouTuber and he films occasionally on campus, but the others she didn’t know. Apparently the hot guys name is Jeon. Well that’s what the professors call him. He’s the typical bad boy but he’s always in class on time and from what she noticed, he one of the highest ranking students in their school. Talk about not judge a book by its cover.
Oddly enough she’s never heard him speak. Not once. He just silently observes. Anya did find him attractive and it was nice to actually attach her feelings to something she’s seen in person before, but Kook was always on her mind. Occasionally…….well not occasionally but she often checks his social media accounts and she listens to the songs he recommends. Apparently he’s not the emo type like how she expected. He likes almost every genre. And she trusted his taste in music. She clicks on his playlist and starts taking her notes trying her hardest not to turn around at her eye candy of a man Jeon.
Kook arrives to class at his normal time and takes his seat in the back. The rest of the guys comes along and start their own conversation. Kook doesn’t talk much during school. He didn’t want to seem like a celebrity but last time he had a conversation with his friends a lot of people recognized him from his stream. He just didn’t want anyone to know. Jungkook and Kook were two completely different people and he wanted it to stay that way. He actually takes his school work seriously because he actually cares about his future. So during the hour and a half of his lecture, he takes notes and his friends whispers about whatever they were talking about and he concentrates on the work ahead. But his mind goes back to that message of “A”. It brought a sense of comfort to him out of nowhere and he didn’t know how to ignore it. So he didn’t….
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geralts-yenn · 4 months ago
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Fairy tale
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Modern AU Melot (Tristan&Isolde) x OFC x Mike (Hellraiser)
summary: Mike, Mel and Nina celebrate their first anniversary
warnings: 18+, minors dni! polyamorous relationship; bisexual partners; vaginal sex; maybe voyeurism/exhibitionism, but I don't know if this is really a thing that needs a warning within a polyamorous relationship; masturbation, vaginal fingering; use of a butt plug, anal sex (m/m)
word count: 4,2k
A/N: I feel like those three have been living in my head for decades already but exactly one year ago, I published Hearts Too Big
So, happy anniversary!
There's a tiny quote from a story in there that isn't my own, but I think the original author doesn't mind ;)
Inspo board
Masterlist
Series Masterlist
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My heart won’t stop racing in my chest, no matter how calming the surroundings should be that are flying past me. I steer my bike around the corners of that gorgeous mountain road, but neither the stunning views we get to see nor the clean air that smells like forest can distract me from my rambling thoughts.
My gaze falls onto the mirror, focusing on the bike behind me. I can’t see much of them. Their helmets hide their beautiful faces. But still my heart constricts as I realize once again that those wonderful two people are mine. Something I will never get my head around.
Exactly one year ago, they had put me through hell and then showed me heaven. I will never forget that first kiss I shared with Mel at that beach, and how Nina kissed me only seconds after. It changed my life in the best way possible. I never even dared to hope that I would get to be that happy in my life.
So that’s why it is so important to me that everything this weekend is going to be perfect. I still can’t believe they trusted me to organize our anniversary trip completely alone. They really must love me. Or they are insane. But the latter is probably mandatory for the first to happen.
As soon as I killed the engine and put the bike on its stand, I cross the few feet between me and Mel’s bike and when Mel pulls his helmet from his head, I press my mouth on his. I don’t care if he needs air because I need him so much more. My fingers lace through his curls, and I all but devour him. Mel answers my desperation with a strangled moan into my mouth. God, I love this man. 
Finally, I pull away, searching for Nina to get a taste of her, too, but she is already gone. Mel and I both chuckle when we hear her excited screams. 
“Oh my god, babe! There’s a hot tub. And a fire pit. And the view over the lake is so beautiful!”
Mel gets off his bike and walks up to Nina, pulling her to his chest. I follow him and hug both of them from behind, pressing my lips on their necks one after the other.
“You’ve outdone yourself, Mike! How did you find this?” Nina turns her head, her eyes full of love as they find mine.
I only grin and shrug. I don’t want to tell them right away. We have the whole weekend to talk. And do other things.
And that’s why I rather grab Nina’s jaw and kiss her hard, like I wanted to do in the first place.
After I have my fair share of kisses that I needed after hours of being alone on my bike, I finally go and grab our stuff and unlock the door of the cabin. 
“Try not to get naked for another thirty minutes, peanuts! I’m still waiting for some groceries to be delivered.”
Mel presses a kiss on my cheek and pulls one of the bags from my shoulder. 
“As if you’d care if anyone saw us naked,” he teases. And yeah, he is right. I don’t care at all.  I know they are mine.
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I lean against the wooden walls of the cabin, the guitar I found in the living room in my lap. It’s a beautiful instrument, and it is tuned perfectly. The whole cabin is like it was made for us. It is so cozy, but not in a tacky way. I have to admit, I am impressed with Mikey. He’s done a good job planning our weekend.
My fingers brush over the strings as I play some chords without even thinking about it. My whole focus is on my two lovers, who are giggling and kissing in the hot tub, a few feet from me. They asked me to join them, but right now, I am happy sitting here in the sun with the guitar and just watching them. 
Maybe that’s a little creepy, but sometimes I like being an observer. I can’t get enough of seeing them so happy together. It makes my heart sing. 
Mike pulls Nina on his lap, and now they are making out like there’s no tomorrow. I can see they are about to lose control any moment. Nina is moaning and Mike's hands are everywhere.
Like I predicted, Mike gets impatient and manhandles Nina to get on her knees. Leaning on her elbows on the deck, I have a perfect view of her tits. But what’s even better is the way her face changes when Mike presses into her. It’s a perfect mixture of desire and love, and I am totally aware that her eyes are fixed on me.
There’s no way I can focus on the guitar any longer while I watch Mikey thrusting into Nina with increasing intensity. He leans down over her, his hand on her throat. I wish I could hear the words he whispers into her ear through gritted teeth. 
I put the guitar down and, instead, my hand slips beneath the waistband of my shorts. I free my cock and start to stroke myself. Adjusting my rhythm with Mike’s, I’m going slow at first, but then I increase my pace when he starts to pound into our girlfriend faster and harder.
They are both loud, and their moans and grunts only fuel my own lust. I can barely hold back my release, but I don’t want to come just yet. So I ease my grip a little and try to focus on Nina, her half-lidded eyes, her teeth digging into her plump lip. She’s so beautiful like this. Mike raises his head and flashes a big smile at me. The asshole winks and doesn’t turn his eyes away from me as he talks to Nina, this time loud enough for me to hear.
“Show him how you look when you come around my cock, baby!” 
Mike slams into Nina’s pussy like a madman, his grip on her hips so tight, I know she’s going to show some marks later. Nina’s screaming, rolling her eyes, her whole body shaking. This is it. My own orgasm rushes through me so hard, my vision blurs as I shoot all over my hand and chest. 
When my breathing is back to normal, and I open my eyes again, I see the two of them are back to kissing. I get up, letting my shorts and boxers fall to the floor. Looking down at my sweaty, sticky chest, I decide I need to cool down. So I walk down the stairs to the small wooden dock. After checking the waters, I jump into the lake. It’s cold, but not freezing. Nina is going to hate it, but that doesn’t stop me from calling her and Mike to join me.
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I take the plate that Mel holds out to me and dry it, then put it back into the cabinet. Mel grabs my towel to dry his hands, so I guess we’re done with the dishes. Mel and I gladly offered to do them after Mikey had spoiled us with the most delicious dinner we had in a while. 
I round the kitchen island and sit down on the floor, where Mike just finished preparing our board game on the small coffee table. I take my cards, but the moment I want to check them, Mel drops next to me and leans in for a kiss. 
“Hey, no cheating!” I tell him as I push him away, and he has the audacity to look fucking cute as he pouts at me. I move a few feet away from him, hiding my cards, because I don’t intend to let him win tonight. Mel’s a sore looser and I enjoy kicking his ass very much. Mike grins at me as if he could read my thoughts. Which he probably can, he knows us both so well. 
To prove my point, he asks: “Ready to make Mel cry, Nina?” 
His signature smirk is plastered on his handsome face. I hold my hand up for a high five as an answer. 
Mel shakes his head playfully. Then he gets up again and pulls his shirt over his head, suspiciously slowly. Mike and I both groan in unison. 
“You are playing unfair here, Mel, and we haven’t even started yet.” Mike complains. But Mel tuts at him and points to the flames flickering in the fireplace.
“I wouldn’t have to strip down if someone…” he uses the strategic pause to turn his gaze to me, “...wouldn’t be that cold all the time. But as long as we have to put up a fire in the middle of July, you two have to endure the pain of seeing my naked chest. I’m deeply sorry.”
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Two hours and three wins over a very grumpy Mel later, we move to the bedroom. The bed in here is nowhere as big as the custom-made bed in our apartment, but I don’t mind. I’m sleepy and don’t care if I have to sprawl over my two boyfriends in here. They’ll live. 
Mike is already snuggled up inside the covers. He looks cute as a button as he tries to hide the yawn that slips him when I crawl into his arms. 
I’m already half asleep when Mel joins us, but his efforts to fit into the bed wake me up again. He apologizes, even though it’s not his fault. Mike lets out some adorable sleepy noises and then tells his boyfriend that he should read fairy tales to us to make up for the disturbance. I’m pretty sure he’s just joking, but nevertheless, Mel picks up my book from the nightstand and opens it. 
He scans over the lines and lets out a small chuckle. I remember where I stopped reading earlier and have to admit it puts a little heat on my cheeks. Mel clears his throat and starts to read in a voice, even deeper and more gravelly than usual:
“He drags your panties to the side and two fingers slip into your pussy with embarrassing ease. “God, kitten, you’re so wet already,” he groans. “You’re such a perfect little slut for Daddy.” All you can do is moan while he pulls his fingers out and moves them to your clit. The tight circles he draws around the swollen little pearl make you writhe your hips, leaning into his touch as he keeps rhythm and pressure steady at an intensity that’s just shy of enough to make you come.” *
Mike is groaning next to me and whispers into my ear: “That’s the fairy tales you read all day, baby? With a straight face? You’re killing me!”  
And while Mel continues to read, I feel Mike’s cock growing harder against my ass. All of this has just as much effect on me, so I arch my back to press into him. Gladly, Mike takes the invitation. He turns me to lay on my back and presses my knees apart. The same way as Mel had read moments ago, he drags my panties to the side and brushes his fingers along my slit. 
Soon, I'm a withering mess, Mikey’s finger pumping into me, his mouth hungry on mine. But then Mel’s voice stops abruptly, and the next moment Mikey is gone, and instead I have Mel’s tongue exploring my mouth. He bites into my lip, then pulls back so he can look both at Mikey and me.
“I thought you two were tired? I'm trying to make you fall asleep, but that doesn't look like you are about to doze off anytime soon!” Despite the scolding words, Mel's tone is amused. 
Mike chuckles. “Babe, if you wanted us to fall asleep, you should have chosen a different book.”
Mel turns to Mike with a devious grin on his face. 
“Well, so if you’re both awake again, you two could pay some attention to me now. I already let you have some time for yourself in the hot tub.”
The memory of what we did out on the deck earlier makes my pussy clench. Mike feels it around his fingers and moans in response. But his eyes are locked with Mel’s.
“I wouldn’t have minded if you had joined us,” he tells him, and Mel’s grin gets wider.
“Yeah? You need some dick?” he asks, his voice raspy.
I rather feel than hear Mikey’s breath hitch before he answers:
“I do!”
Mel gets up on his knees and pulls down his boxers. His erection slaps against his abs.
“Then help yourself!” he says, his smirk now going from ear to ear.
Mikey lets out a needy whine. He licks his lips as he moves his mouth to Mel’s middle. A gentle lick from the base to the tip lets Mel shiver.
“I think someone is done with the solo action for today,” I tease. My fingers circle my swollen bud as I watch them.
Mel’s look falls on me and he groans. I don't know if it's a reaction to what he sees or to Mike’s hollowed cheeks around his cock. I don't care. It's hot.
Mel lets us play for another few moments, but then he pulls Mikey up to him for a hot kiss. They whisper into each other's ears, and then they both turn to me. Oh, I think I’m up for a good time.
Mel crawls up to my side and pulls my top over my head. The moment the girls are free, his mouth is on one nipple, sucking hard. His fingers take care of the other one and I gasp when he pinches and rolls it.
To add to the sensations, at the same time, Mike drags my panties down my legs. In seconds, he's between my widespread legs and runs his length through my folds.
I whimper and moan. They are teasing me, Mel with his mouth and hands, Mike with his dick. He drags the tip slowly around my entrance, up to my clit and back again.
I lift my hips impatiently, but Mike doesn't give in. It takes Mel to interfere. He turns his head to watch for a moment, before ordering:
“Get into her already so I can give you what you wanted in the first place, Mike.”
That does the trick. Mike slams into me and I let out a cry of pleasure. While Mike starts to move inside me, Mel gets up to stand behind him.
“Wow, Mikey, you really planned every aspect of this trip,” he says, chuckling. I can imagine what he's talking about, and when a butt plug lands on the bed, I get my confirmation.
“Are you ready to take me?” I hear Mel and the answer is groaning from both of my boys.
Mike stills his hips and I hear the telltale sound of lube getting squished out of the bottle.
Then it's the increased tension in Mike’s body and the twitching dick inside me that let me know what's going on. All three of us moan in unison as Mel pushes inside.
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Some rustling wakes me, and I blink a few times sleepily to adjust to the brightness. It must be early morning because the room is filled with golden light. When my sight gets more focused, I start to smile. I am greeted by the view of a very sexy tattooed chest, rippling muscles accentuated by beams of orange falling through the curtains. What a pleasant way to wake up. Almost as nice as the way I fell asleep last night.
For a moment, I think about greeting Mikey, but then I decide against it, watching silently as he pulls his shirt over his head. Yeah, creepy, I know. But I can’t help it. I don't want to ruin this peaceful scene. 
Mike apparently hasn’t noticed I’m awake because he turns and tries to step down the stairs as noiselessly as possible. Which isn’t very noiseless - because it’s Mikey. 
Yet, when I turn to the other side, I see that Nina is still fast asleep. I kiss her on her temple and then try to get up without making noise, myself, with more success than Mike. I wander into the bathroom, take a quick shower and brush my teeth.
When I go downstairs, I find Mikey leaning against the open patio door. I step behind him and wrap my arm around his waist, resting my hand on his chest. He feels warm and firm and my heart expands at the sensation of it. Mike nuzzles into me as my lips brush over the light stubble of his throat, while I breathe in his scent.
“Hey!” he greets, his voice still rough from sleep.
“Hey yourself!” I press another kiss on his neck. Then I raise my eyes to look over Mike's shoulder. The sun is rising over the lake, painting the surroundings in warm colors.
“It’s so beautiful. Perfect. I don’t know what you had to do to get this cabin, but thank you.”
Mike turns his head to me, one eyebrow raised.
“Do you imply I prostituted myself for this?” 
I can’t tell if he’s amused or offended, probably a little bit of both, but anyway, I need to apologize because this wasn’t in any way what I meant to say.
“No! Never! Sorry! It’s just - this must have been expensive. You didn’t have to do this. You don’t have to spend your savings on us.”
Before Mike can answer me, we hear footsteps and then Nina is next to us. She wriggles in between us and brushes kisses over Mike’s and my chest.
“Hey, is there a possibility to get some coffee?”
Mike takes the invitation to run off without answering me and pours three cups of coffee. Running around the kitchen, adding sugar and cream for Nina and a disgusting amount of sugar for himself, he seems to be fidgety, noticeably so, even for Mikey. 
I fear I actually hurt him with the stupid remark and open my mouth to apologize once more, but Mikey grabs the mug handles and steps out onto the deck with our coffee.
“Come on, peanuts, let’s get down to the shore.” 
Nina and I exchange a look, but then we follow him down the stairs to the lake. There’s a wooden patio set and Mike drops the mugs on the table, only spilling a little bit of coffee. Nina and I sit down, waiting for Mike to join us, but he’s not interested. Instead, he walks up and down along the dock.
“Mike!” Nina calls. “For the love of god, would you sit?”
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I don’t even know why I’m freaking out again. There’s nothing that should get me that nervous. Those two people who are watching me right now like I’m nuts, they love me. I don’t know why, but they do. I don’t have to worry about anything. If I learned anything in the last year, then it’s that I can open up to Mel and Nina. So I finally do what Nina ordered me to do and sit down next to them.
“Sorry!” I grab my coffee and drag out the moment a little longer by taking a huge sip. Of the coffee that is still fucking hot. They both watch me incredulously as I swear.
“I need to tell you something!” 
Nina’s eyes go wide and Mel jerks back. Yeah, great start, dickhead! Now they think I cheated on them or some stupid shit.
“Don’t panic, it’s nothing bad - I think.” They both visibly relax, though they still look confused, so I go on.
“A few weeks ago, Tom called me.”
“Your brother?” 
“Yeah. I didn’t take the call at first. But he didn’t stop calling and texting. So I thought it must be something important.” 
Mel interrupts once more, more concern on his face than should be, ever. “Everything okay with your parents?”
I let out a sad laugh. “Like I would care?” 
It’s harsh, but it’s the truth. And honestly, I’m glad I’m at a place now where I don’t care anymore. 
I must have been quiet for too long because Nina flaps with her hands in the air, a quizzical look on her face.
“Sooo?” 
“Yeah, uhm, he wanted to meet me. And I said okay.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Nina again, of course. She’s always mad that Mel and I don’t communicate enough, and she’s right about it.
“You were both working hard that day, and it wasn’t that big of a deal. I just thought I’d go meet him, listen to his bullshit, then go home to throw myself into your arms in the evening.”
”But?...” 
I shouldn’t make pauses long enough for them to interrupt me.
“There was no bullshit coming from him,” I laugh. “He apologized, honestly. I mean, he was crying! For fucks sake! My super manly, super stoic, very hetero brother sat in a café with his very bi brother, showing emotions openly for everyone to see. It was wild!” I grin like an idiot, I know, but that experience was something I didn’t see coming, ever. In my family, we don't do feelings. Except for me, of course, I do plenty of feelings, all the time. But I don't count, my parents would agree. 
Nina and Mike both don’t smile back, Nina even frowns. 
“Still - why haven’t you told us, Mikey?” She sounds hurt. And Mel nods in agreement. Shit, I'm fucking this up again.
“Because, my brother brought me a gift. Well, not exactly a gift, but anyway. I decided to make it a surprise for you.”
I take another sip of coffee. Gladly, it isn’t hot like the seven hells anymore. 
“Come on, Mike, get to the point!” Mel rolls his eyes at me.
“Sorry! So, my brother got into a fight with my parents because of me. He told them that they should support me, that I deserve to be part of the family. Shocking, I know, but apparently he must have found out he has a heart.
But of course, my parents wouldn’t listen. Then Tom said to them that they at least owe me my part of the family assets. They bought Tom a house when he got married and he also got some shares, I don’t know much about that stuff…  
Anyway, Tom told them they should at least give me money to make my life easier. Which was just as successful as his first plea. My father only kicked him out and told him he wouldn’t want to hear about it anymore. But Tom felt bad for me, so he wrote them a letter threatening to take them to court on my behalf.”
Both Nina and Mel look shocked.
“You wouldn’t do this, and he can’t do it without your agreement, right?”
I nod. They know me way better than anyone in my family. I would never want that.
“Yeah, but just the threat was enough. My parents would never want to get anything about this shit go public, which would be the case if there was a lawsuit. That’s why they wrote a big check with my name on it, and they signed over one of their properties to me.”
I give them a big grin, but they still both look quite puzzled.
“My first instinct was to reject it. So I wouldn’t have to be thankful or some shit. But then I thought fuck it! Why should I punish myself by not taking what is mine? It’s not like they would care either way. And I kind of like this cabin…”
I look into their faces, and I’m glad I don’t find any negative emotions there. I was a little scared that they would judge me for taking the money. Exhibit A: my reaction to Mel’s comment earlier.
“Well, yeah, so, that cabin is mine! That's what I wanted to say. Surprise!” I shrug awkwardly. 
When no one says a word, I go back to rambling.
“I spent the last few weeks remodeling it so it doesn’t look that much like ‘filthy rich assholes with a stick up their asses’ anymore and more like ‘us’.”
This finally gives me some laughs and I feel more comfortable immediately. 
“Oh Mikey!” Nina jumps into my lap and presses a kiss onto the corner of my mouth.
“This means we can spend a lot more time fooling around here! Oh my god! This is going to be some fun.” 
I laugh, that’s the perfect reaction.
“We can start right away, if you want,” I tell her.
Mel chuckles and gets up from his chair. He leans down to me and kisses me hungrily.  Then he pulls away and cocks his head.
“One thing: can we please have a bigger bed? Nina kicked me in my ribs all night.“
I snicker.
“Yeah, I earned some nasty elbow checks, too. I thought maybe we could build a new bed like the one in our apartment together.“
“Then there's no more objections from my side,” Mel tells me before his lips are back on mine.
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*) source: Under orders - part 4 by @raccoon-eyed-rebel
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stargazingfordreams · 2 years ago
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The stars that missed The Sun
Nyx x Reader
Warning- arrange marriage, cute stuff.
A/N- Hey guys I'm sorry this took so long I had to rewrite this a few times. I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter but I hope you guys like this
Part one, Part two
Chapter three
Over the last few weeks, Nyx has been amazing, kind, and patient. I couldn’t even repay him in a hundred years. So then, what are we waiting for? Every night I would go to my bed, and he would go to his. There was something in me that I couldn’t quite place, something that always found its way back, that feeling of not knowing if he was even interested in me at all, and maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was only interested in this marriage to be a friendship, and when the time came, I would give him heirs. Would he have a mistress to satisfy him, and would I have mine? I couldn’t get a read on him or his feelings. I couldn't even understand what I felt, but the thought of Nyx having a mistress made me nauseous and unsettled.
Nyx’s family had their monthly dinner tonight. All of us gathered at the river house. I was getting out of the tub and into my bedroom to get ready for the evening, where I saw a dress laid out for me with a note.
Since you loved Abrail’s dresses so much, I had her make you more. I thought this one would be perfect for dinner. -Nyx,
I smiled. I put my dress and jewelry on and couldn’t wait to show him; I didn’t think to knock on his door, so I walked right in.
“This dress is-” I hadn’t even made it through the door frame. I stopped every thought because of the sight in front of me. He had just gotten out of the bath with only his underwear on. He was in the middle of putting his pants on. I watched as he slipped them on and bottomed them. My eyes made their way up from his torso to his tattooed chest and, finally, met his eyes and smile that held too much amusement.
“It’s not polite to stare, you know,” he said as he pulled his shirt over his head and found his jacket.
“I… I… I just wanted to say thank you,” I stumbled over the words.
“For the dress or the sneak peek,” he smirked at me.
“We are going to be late,” I tried to change the subject. But, instead, he raised an eyebrow, and I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to school my face into something neutral.
He had finished putting his shoes on and walking up to me as if sizing me up for a fight. He leaned against the doorframe a mere inch away from me.
“Don’t look at me like that firefly” he leaned in close as if to kiss me.
“Like what?” my voice barely came out as a whisper.
“As if you want me” He knew the effect he was having on me, and he didn’t care; I didn’t care all I knew was that I became all too aware of my body. I stayed silent.
“Well, do you?” he asked, still close to me.
“Do I what?” I wasn’t even sure I was speaking.
“Want me?” he said. I wanted to lean in and kiss those lips once again to taste them. His lips brushed past mine, just a small graze.
“But you’re right, we will be late” he changed his tone and smiled in my direction, moving around me to leave his room. I stood there in shock, not knowing what to do.
- - - - - - – - - - - - - -
We had winnowed into his parent’s home. I moved from his arms. After what happened to be that close to him wouldn’t be a good idea, especially with his parents in the other room. I looked around the foyer that we had landed in. I hadn’t been to his parent’s home before. The front entrance opens to a grand hall with winding staircases to the upper levels of the house. Everything was so beautiful in the way it was decorated. A family portrait of everyone hung there. My brother was even in it, and then another of just the High lord, High lady, and their kids, but there were small paintings in frames on the entry table. One stuck out to me, though. It was a baby boy sitting on a deep blue blanket with a head raven black hair and blue eyes with the chunkiest of smiles that was nothing but gums.
“Is this you?” I asked Nyx. as I picked up the photo to take a better look.
“You were so chunky. Oh my gods, look at those rolls,” I gleamed as he chuckled beside me.
“He was the greediest of my children, which would explain those cheeks,” The voice came from behind me. I turned to see High lady Feyre and High lord Rhysand approaching us.
“I’m afraid not much has changed. You should see how much he eats for breakfast alone,” I joke. He smiled down at me, pulling me to his side. Rhysand had looked at me with a puzzled look, then back at his son, who only nodded—nodded at what? Were they having a conversion within their minds? Feyre looked at Rhysand once again. Her eyes widened, but she composed herself as if trying not to give away her excitement. I looked up at Nyx. to see if I could read his face but nothing.
“Are we going to eat or what? I’m starving over here” Cassian entered and broke up whatever was happening. Feyre chuckled, and Rhysand shook his head.
“I would hurry. Morrigan has already started on the wine.”Amren made her way over and looked me up and down. I didn’t flinch under her gaze as she looked back at Nyx and me.
“Well, come along between Cassian and Mor. If we don’t hurry, there won’t be any food or wine left for the rest of us.” Rhysand led us into the dining room; I sat across from Nyx on the couches, who gave me a flirtatious smirk. My thoughts drifted, and I thought about his lips again and the sight of his body and what I wanted to do with it. I shift in my seat carefully and calm my body in this room full of fae before they catch wind of desire through my smell and thoughts.
Don’t worry, firefly. Only I can hear your naughty thoughts. I made sure of it. He was having a conversation with Nesta, who was next to him. While I was still standing by the window. You couldn’t even tell that he was in my mind. I felt the heat rise in my cheeks, but I wouldn’t let him see that I was affected by him again, so I kept my tone as unbothered as possible.
That is the first time tonight that you have been a gentleman.
You are right that I was rude to leave things like I’m sorry earlier. How would you like me to make it up to you?
A smile made its way to my lips as the perfect opportunity came.
I can think of a few ways. So that’s what I did; I imagined me and Nyx intertwined with nothing between us, his lips on my skin trailing kisses down my neck to my breasts as he moved lower and lower.
That’s cruel of you, firefly. His tone in my mind grew dark. I was pleased with myself, smiling as I picked up and drank from my glass. Nyx’s presence left my mind. That’s when his siblings and cousins came in.
“There’s my new sister,” A girl with blonde hair and Violet eyes embraced me in a soul-crushing hug.
“You’re about to break your new sister Astrid,” another girl said; she had dark brown hair and steel blue eyes.
“Welcome to the Family. I know we haven’t spoken since the wedding, but a certain future high lord has had all of us running ragged with missions since then,” Astrid, Nyx’s sister, spoke while she held annoyance in her tone. Nyx paid her no mind but gave her a simple hand wave.
“I’m sure you remember Lyra,” she gestures to the beautiful woman beside her. She towered over me, and though she looked intimidating, she waved me a friendly smile, making her look even more attractive. I had to remind myself that I am a married woman now.
“Yes, of course. It’s good to see you again.”
“Likewise,” Lyra said to me as she nodded. She looked so much like her mother. It was scary.
“Where are the rest of you?” Feyre asked.
“They’re coming, mother; you know you can’t trust those boys to be on time for anything” Astrid looped her arm in mine and closed her hand around my fingers. Not long after, the rest of the inner circle children, along with Azriel, Gwyn, Luicen, and Elain, showed up.
“Great, now that everyone is here, we can finally eat,” Rhysand said, and we all made our way to our seats and began to eat. Conversation flowed throughout dinner. Whenever I tried to speak to Lucien, he would brush off what I asked or not answer. It started to get to me that I was trying so hard to talk to him, and he couldn’t even bother.
“Your dress looks lovely dear. Where did you get it from?” The question had come from Elain, and it had taken me aback only because her mate, my brother, had seemed determined to avoid me for the evening.
“Oh, there is a shop by the bridge. The owner Abrail makes amazing dresses. I can take you there one day if you're not busy?” I said to her,
“Elain always has time to shop,” Nesta teased jokingly with her sister. It reminded me of how I was with mine. A homesick feeling washed over me, causing me to grow distant. My family, I had almost forgotten how much I missed them and my home. My early morning rides on my pegasus, my sisters at dinner, and my father. How could I have forgotten them? How could I have forgotten my oldest sister, who was no longer here? I’m enjoying the life she would have had with Nyx. I must have been quiet for too long because when I looked up, I saw Nyx looking at me with worry.
Are you alright? I didn’t answer him though
“Sorry, would you all excuse me” I stood up and left before anyone had the chance, To say anything.
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a-s-levynn · 1 month ago
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Okay so i finished Kaos a few days ago, and all in all, it is a fun series to watch. In short: it is a fresh take on the "ancient gods in the modern era" and i love that. It does some clever takes on the myths. I like it.
A bit (a lot) longer, and maybe a smidge spoilery in one particular case, as spoilery you can get with something with a pretty well known source material:
So. Let me get through the more.. negative-ish things? Ish, because i wouldn't say there is anything de facto bad with the series. Everything boils down to preference. What could become a negative is usually used in a way that at least levels out or even turned into an advantage. The writers clearly knew what they had to work with and what they wanted to do with it and pulled through.
I have to preface this, the series is very very contemporary and very much netflix. It is super consistent with it tho, which creates this effect of not really feeling too much or forced. It also makes some parts feel safe, but it doesn't affect it neither positively nor negatively which is both surprising and really cool. Especially these days. It just is. And i love that for it.
Also it is not my favourite thing ever. Here is where the personal taste thing comes in. I usually don't really love to see our contemporary (tho mostly western) world in a fantasy (even if urban) setting this heavily but this one does it in a refreshingly campy, not too serious way that makes sense for the story. I can't say i was able to be fully immersed but it never pushed me out either. It kept me hooked and i very much enjoyed my time with the show. I'm also sad i never going to get to see the conclusion because netflix canceled it like everything worth watching for the past few years.
There are some changes to the myths and mythical characters that some people would not vibe with, but i don't mind. I love recontextualizations of things i know when it is done with both purpose and thought behind it. I'm not saying this is the smartest series ever but the writing is consistent, a story makes sense and thank fucking god the dialogues are actual dialogues.
There is some inherent stupidness to all of it but we are in the realm of dark comedy. It works. The show knows exactly what it is and works with it very nicely. It's cohersive, and enjoyable. It does not want to be more than it is. Which i appreciate.
Also way too fucking short. For god sake can we start making 10-12 episode series? The amount of exposition they dumped into these handful of episodes, not leaving room to breathe is painful. Or just leave out some exposition. I don't have to know everything verbatim. Let me think, let me use my brain. Let me get to really know the characters.
But on the other hand most of the characters being stereotypes work here beautifully. Because we are based in the myths. Which all work with stereotypes. And this. This is why i say this is a smarter than most your average shows. They know what they have to work with and how turn it to an advantage. Or at least don't let it become a hindrance.
That said, i like this show. No small part to that is the cast, and boy this thing has an awesome cast. I am biased. Heavily. But this is a great cast of actors on all realms. Goldblum as Zeus is such a based idea and so fittnig. Also this show probably has the best depictions of Hera, like, ever? I kinda wish D had a bit more to him, but i figured his character was supposed to grow more over the planned three seasons. Well alas.
Also shoutout to my man Thewlis as Hades. I love that man in nay everything. No wonder he is one of the main characters of my favourite movie. Anyway. The rest of the cast is great. Probably the weakest for me was Killian Scott as Orpehus and even he wasn't bad. Just mostly one tone.
That said. I enjoy the spins on the mythos'. Especially our main pair's. The most well known part of the Orpeus and Eurydice story is the you can't look back, trust that she follows and i was waiting for it the whole time. I was kinda sad not seeing it and that is why Eurydice asking Orpheus to look back at her, and him saying "i don't want to look at you, because you are not coming with me" part hit so much.
I kinda wish he would have just left without looking back. I understand the scene (and the series at this point) needed some release of the tension and somberness but man.. imagine if he just... walks away, never looking back. And maybe it get's resolved along the line in like the next or 3rd season. If those ever would be a thing.
Anyway.
I think i rambled on long enough. I could cherrypick moments i aslo liked and maybe make an attempt at those i didn't but i feel it's redundant. This is a good show at the end of the day and i don't want to over analyze it in my head.
Because as i said, all in all i loved this show a lot. It is a fun watch, and i might rewatch it again somewhere along the line because there are exceptionally cool moments peppered through. Especially the darker ones. Both the writing and the acting is great. I am genuinly bummed there is not going to be further seasons.
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kaddyssammlung · 9 months ago
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CW: ED
Someone out there said something that I've been thinking about for the past few days actually. I love it when things align and synchronicity starts to happen. So I just decided to add some realistic thoughts.
"You must be crazy if you think that I will give up the game....Sugar...I've got a taste for you"
Or just some logical thinking combined with my many years of experience.
Many humans out there have a certain image in their head when they think about eating disorders. Usually someone really emaciated.
The problem is though, that not everyone will reach such low weights. My BMI is usually around 18-21 yet my struggle with my eating disorder was very real. I know that my weight said otherwise most of the times. Even when I was in therapy and I tried to explain how my ED was linked to my drinking behavior no really believed me because I was at an average weight. Maybe that got better? I mean maybe mental health staff know better now? It's been 9 years since my last therapy sessions.
My point is that not everyone who does struggle a lot also looks like it.
Many humans that I know from my old Pro days turned to weight lifting at some point. I mean that's good for them. They claim to be fine these days I really want to believe them. I mean Vessel does follow a certain diet because if not then he would not look the way he does. Abs are really made in the kitchen.
Over the past few weeks I switched to a protein based diet again so that I would lose the weight that I gained last summer. My abs are also showing again. They were always there. I did not change my training. I run mostly but now that my diet is better again they are finally showing again.
My point with that is when you want to look a certain way you have to do something about it. I'm sure that he does that.
Maybe it's just his way of dealing with his ED?
I feel like EDs with someone being male are still overlooked. Yes, there are many women struggling and I also know a lot of women who struggled. But from my old Pro days I also know one guy and also a childhood friend of mine also has an ED. It started to get really obvious when he was rowing for Uni. I see so many male athletes where I'm often like....they just “hide” their ED better. Other than that the thoughts and feelings seem to be the same.
Assuming that he struggled that way is realistic but it's still an assumption.
And also yes...please die Ana for as long as you're here were not! You make the sound of laughter and sharpen nails seems softer. But I need you now somehow!
That and.... Hunger hurts and I want him so bad, oh it kills 'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't want to clean up I've got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love
I could go on and on about this topic! How an addiction is like having a relationship with someone and all kinds of things but I stop for now.
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I don’t really know how to explain this without sounding rude again this TK dude but like… I always said I had basically the same taste in men as Taylor, like even YB with the limited info I had on him when they started dating I could see the appeal. She had a type very aligned to mine. So I have been completely shocked about her dating this NFL dude because there isn’t a universe where I could find him attractive, at all. He’s so not my type that I rather not see him, i don’t think he’s a bad guy but he kind of makes me think of one bc he looks like the stereotypical american dude that is a douche. And Like I get that’s maybe his appeal, the different type, but… wow. What a change in taste. Bc this guy is not only unattractive… personality wise? What i’ve seen so far seems very… attention grabbing but not in a good way. He seems to never shut up… and after years of not hearing anything about her rs this constant stream of news being like: TK said this, TK said that… is giving me whiplash. Like I get she doesn’t want to be again with a guy who won’t speak about her… but this completely the other extreme, and i doubted she wanted that either…
I just can’t get what she sees in him
Oh my goodness, Anon, YES. To virtually all of this.
I have never before had to work this hard to wrap my head around what Blondie sees in a partner. I can imagine it, sure. (Our views do not align. At all. But I can imagine what she sees.) But in the past? All the other times? I immediately understood. I didn’t always like the guys—JM creeped me out at one of his concerts I attended pre-Blondie, early on CH seemed unfaithful and kind of petty, and MH is a giant, privileged child—but it wasn’t hard for me to identify the reasons why she did.
Prior to this, these men seemed to be: handsome, lanky guys who were either kind and charismatic charmers (sometimes love bombers, which was a problem), were polite and articulate British men, or BOTH. The intersection of those two is my personal preference. Here are some of my celebrity crushes over the years (a few I discovered while watching things years after they debuted).
Charismatic charmers:
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Articulate British men (some also charmers):
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So her attraction to JJ or JG, or to Harry/TH/YB, and even her childhood crush on Justin T, who I loathe, made sense. (Was always a JC C girl myself, lol. And justice for Janet and Britney!)
This seems like whiplash; you are not alone in thinking that.
I am trying to view this as I do with my friends when they date partners I do not like: I am there for them. I love them (which does not shift even if I do not care for their partners). And yeah - my husband gets an earful. But I show up for them. I can do both things at once.
Hear that, Anons I have had to block? I am fine with this duality: being a Blondie fan while not being a fan of her partner. Both of these can be true.
But I haaaate that I am being forcefed TK content simply because I am a Blondie fan. I like HER. Don’t punish me by sending me content I am actively trying to avoid (men who look like him, and anything to do with the problematic NFL).
And Anon - thank you for this detailed ask.
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klysanderelias · 4 months ago
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I feel like (I'm done with episode 6 of HxH so far) there's the traditional shounen bullshit that can be upsetting (the treatment of fat characters, the way that women aren't really taken seriously and often used as jokes, etc etc) but I really appreciate something that has bothered me a lot in other anime -
Hunter x Hunter has very realistic results of violence even when it's a little cartoonish, and it feels like they're being very thoughtful about deploying that, and about remembering that.
I watched some of Ranma 1/2 a few years ago and I couldn't stomach how the show handled its violence. It was extremely over the top in the traditional hammerspace 'woman enacting huge damage on her harassers' style, but then would continue on to show the character in question laid up in bed covered in bandages unable to walk, and then turn around AGAIN to make THAT into a joke. It was distasteful to me that the show wanted to have excessive violence be explicitly canon within the world, unlike a lot of shows where a character gets conked on the head with a giant mallet and then immediately gets up without any lasting harm, but also that the show thought it was funny that characters were being actually genuinely harmed (and of course it never lasted past the scene anyway so it felt very grotesque to me).
And that's not really something I care to argue about, that's kind of a thing of taste and expectation to a certain extent, but in HxH I've found that there are scenes where characters are exposed to hyperviolence, and the cartoonish nature of the show instead feels stripped away a little.
Like, in episode 5, Leorio gets uppercutted and Gon is basically being choked out by another character, and the camera kind of zooms in on his face as he's struggling to breathe and then he kind of starts to go slack, and the character choking him hastily drops him almost in a 'oh shit I've gone too far' kind of way. And it's partially really compelling to me because you remember oh yeah, this kid is like 12, in a squid games situation, but also because the show up until this point has not really taken the deaths of unnamed background characters seriously, so it almost feels like the camera is giving you the main characters' perspectives - they don't know these other people, they don't care, maybe they just don't notice or they think 'well we all agreed to take the risks' but when the protagonist is getting choked out the stakes are suddenly very real.
And also in that same moment, when Leorio gets punched, it feels like a traditional shounen punch, but then he's rocking that swollen cheek for the rest of that episode and the entire next one (maybe longer, I didn't keep watching). And I really like that, again partially because it's a realistic consequence of violence, but also it's almost like a 'damage in cutscenes is canon' video game moment where your character takes a hit and it changes the model for the rest of the game, where it's supposed to be (assuming the moment lands) a reminder of the actual risks you're taking, and the consequences of failure that you're trying to avoid. I can only think of Bioshock infinite where booker gets stabbed in the hand, and I'm certain there are far better moments and far better games to reference, but y'know, it's past my bedtime anyway.
But yeah episodes 4-6 were fun, 6 was the least fun given how they portrayed uhhhhh menchi and uhhhhhhhh bahara? Buhara. Definitely the weakest of the episodes, but I think there were still some fun moments in there.
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saatmans · 8 months ago
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About how I discovered Sleep Token:
Finding the Sleep Token brought something so incredible into my life. From a young age, I didn't have the opportunity to be who I am because I lived in a conservative home.
So when I left home a few years ago with a mix of problems, including the fact that I had spoken openly about being bisexual and had not been welcomed, I tried to find myself.
I've always been connected to music, metal more specifically. Regardless of the metal subgenre, there is something unique about the rhythm that fills who I have always been.
Last year when Evanescence came to Brazil, playing a show in my state, which is in the northeast of Brazil, I tried my hardest. It was my first show in my life and there I was thinking that finally I began to heal the wounds of the past. I also started studying English, I'm not fluent (yet) and I use Google to communicate because I love these four masked people who give life and give their lives for the Sleep Token .
That I met this year 2024 in January, with my return to my musical taste, a lot about ST ended up coming together with my algorithm and damn I'm so grateful because it changed the chemistry of the my heart.
There's something about Sleep Token that gives me back the vital force that music has always given me. From the type of sound, the lyrics, the performance, the concept, among other things. As soon as I heard them for the first time, I knew that something magical had happened to me that hadn't happened in a long time. Art has always been a fire within me, so much so that I am a writer.
The pandemic took precious time away from us, including people. Particularly, without music, without books and films and my cats I wouldn't be alive. So over the last few years my biggest end of year resolution is live. Serious, I never imagined myself reaching my 30s, today I'm 32 and I'm honestly happy to want to go further.
One day, I played Sleep Token's songs and wow, they have the soul that a good song requires. Also, ST is the kind of band that is a safe place. Especially for us girls and women and it is that there is so much hate towards them, that's why I made the meme of keeping the band in a pot of love, it's how some of us Brazilians talk about protecting those we love. It's not about imprisoning, that's never It's going to be love, okay?
Sleep Token is the first band since my adolescence (not that much I miss) that I feel like talking about, I have a certain hyperfocus on a certain drummer because that's what I wanted to be, but I was born with cerebral palsy and I don't know, maybe one day in an act of pure madness I'll try. But if not, it's for the next life.
I didn't want to create a new social network to talk about them, I remembered Tumblr and how good I feel here. So that's it, I'm writing in English translated by Google while I learn the language, but I won't let anything keep me from what I like really and I thank the ST fandom here on Tumblr for their love, you are very incredible.
I can't wait for the new rituals and to not lose my Brazilian way "Sleep Token come to Brazil!"
Xoxo, Pri. ❤️
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lyraeon · 2 years ago
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what kind of streaming stuff do you do? i followed you back in the day for your fanfiction and i genuinely have no clue what you do now lol
Haha, yeah I kind of vanished off here for about 5 years cuz of real life stuff (jobs! gallbladders! cars! divorces! moving!) and in the mean time became a full time content creator and transcriptionist. Somehow.
I'm still technically mainly Minecraft but I'm definitely feeling that fandom negativity burnout over there so I've been doing a lot of other stuff too. So I do worldbuilding heavy stuff like Horizon: Forbidden West and literal world building stuff like Astroneer and Cities: Skylines mostly, but also puzzle-y stuff like Escape Simulator. I've been doing a playthrough of Inscryption this month. I used to do a lot more shooter-y type stuff but I got sick of Destiny and I can't personally play Overwatch with good conscience anymore :( so I'm in between games there.
So kind of... mixed bag of stuff that is on the "we're here to vibe and chat" end of things as opposed to the "showing off how good I am at games" end of things XD I'm there for the adventure, and maybe some meme strats, not for the biggest win or the fanciest build.
Which, within Minecraft itself, I'm kind of builder-adventurer in my own mind? I love to build unnecessarily accurate recreations of real things - right now I'm making a functioning Subway restaurant - and build on the diagonal far too often.
(Mind you, I'm in the middle of changing my medication so I've been hilariously inactive the last couple months, but that should be ramping back up soon. I've been doing YouTube for the last few years too, but that's on a temporary hiatus for the same reasons.)
In a lot of ways I'm an extremely different person in an extremely different place than I was a few years ago - but it's also because I was still super nebulous about who I was and what I wanted in life. So people who followed me specifically because I wrote fanfiction and were always "meh" at the social/political/mental health posts probably will want to bail, and definitely wouldn't be interested in anything I stream. Whereas people who liked my blog for the rest of it, or who followed out of generally enjoying my writing as writing and wanting to see the thoughts and opinions of the person behind it, will probably enjoy sticking around and also might enjoy my gaming content.
My fanfic days are past me. Not in a "it's something for the youths" or an "I'm embarrassed by them" way, but because I'm now someone who has a fandom and receives fanart and has had fanfic written about their character, which I feel like makes participating very deeply in any fandom a little awkward now. It's just very, "it's not my place", y'know? Plus it's just not something I have the spoons or energy to put into - my creativity has been honed in other directions, and while writing is still one of them, I'm primarily writing worldbuilding and speculative evolution type things right now. My typing speed instead goes into captioning YouTube videos and transcribing old scanned documents on a freelance basis (I don't like being a starving artist lol). And the rest of my creativity is off in all the video editing and Minecraft builds, lol.
(In retrospect, maybe I should just have started a new blog... but I really liked my Dashboard and figured I'd rather pare down the things that no longer suited me from that than try to rebuild from scratch XD)
Thanks for having been around so long, and no worries if this place isn't for you anymore. Times, tastes, and people all change! Take care of yourself <3
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patchworkgargoyle · 2 years ago
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Three Fics Tag Game!
Rules: Recommend us 3 of YOUR fics: 1 that is “most popular” and 2 that are “hidden gems!"
Thanks for tagging me @atlantablack!!
1. Fussin' Over Scars on my Soul
Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | 34,151 | E | No Archive Warnings Apply
Jaskier is recovering from a few bad life choices. Geralt rescues mistreated farm animals and runs a ranch while parenting his daughter, Ciri. Yennefer decides to meddle a little.
***
He cuts quite the figure, leaning over ever so casually in the little kitchen. The hair at his temples is pulled back from his face, revealing more of that sharp, stubble-covered jaw. Of course Yennefer would know a handsome hermit. Honestly. He looks like he could wear armour and be right at home romping across a medieval countryside. Geralt isn't Jaskier usual type, but he's the definition of easy on the eyes.
He might not be as well-muscled as his host, be he can do a few things! He has, in fact, successfully built IKEA furniture, by himself, and it never collapsed. "I will earn my stay, and who knows, maybe you'll find me a capable farm hand," he retorts, flicking his hair out of his face.
One of Geralt's eyebrows slowly raises, doubtful. "Hm," is all the provides in response.
notes: I feel like this is only my most popular because it's my oldest (that's still in existence) and I was posting it at the height of The Witcher fandom's burst in popularity because of the Netflix show's first season. I don't think it's... good? It's fine. But it's what got me back into writing, since the response was so positive.
2. Don't Want Your Heart (Between My Teeth)
Karl Heisenberg/Reader | 53,354 | E | Graphic Depictions of Violence
You have a regular customer at the cafe you work at: and old man named Heisenberg, a mouthy charmer who takes way too much sugar in his coffee. He mocks your poor Romanian and looks scruffy as hell, leading you to believe he's just a down-on-his-luck vagrant that's taken a liking to you. But you learn there's much more to him after you "rescue" him from being mugged, like how good he looks once he's tidied himself up a bit, and also... he had the power to control metal? What the fuck.
Alternate title: Karl Heisenberg Deserves a Vacation.
Our metal bastard man (affectionate) managed to slip out of the village, and out of Mother Miranda's grasp, about a decade before the events of RE8. He planned to make the most of it before she tracked him down again and found himself wandering the streets of Bucharest before you (fem!reader) take him in, much to his reluctance.
notes: The longest thing I've ever written. How I churned this out in two months (holy shit) I have no fucken clue. I'm still kinda proud of this, though I wish I'd planned it out better, and I won't forget it for the friends it brought me.
3. Boys Don't Cry
Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson | 5,124 | T+ | No Archive Warnings Apply
Dustin, having called shotgun, sighed and went on a rant about Will and Jonathan's shared tastes in melodramatic music, completely oblivious to Steve's sudden change in mood, for which he's grateful. Steve had taken to keeping a few cassettes in his car for the kids so they'd stop complaining about him just listening to the radio, and though it meant working out a system so no one complained - loudly - about playing favourites, he was at least glad to have something around for them. like the radio, he'd just tune it out, not bother to listen to the lyrics. But this.
But I just keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'Cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
---
Steve listens to a cassette from Will, and the lyrics hit him harder than he woud've expected. Finally, he lets himself feel everything he's bottled up from the past four years of horrors, and makes a big change that he needs a little help fixing up.
notes: My most recently posted fic, at least on ao3. This is my foray into punk!Steve, and I do mean to write more (I have a few wips in the works for it). I think it's very melodramatic but cute, so long as you don't mind the song lyrics being in the fic itself.
Also, jesus christ, my summaries are Not Short.
tagging: @hell-on-training-wheels because I know for sure you have a plethora of fics!
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pelle-ohlin · 2 years ago
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2.6.23 ~ Build Yourself an Aquarium and Stick Your Head in It
Today is Jeremy’s birthday: Jeremy, the boy who never grew up, but somehow still managed to leave me for a 40 year old woman with two high school age children . . . 
I have nothing to say to him. He ruined my birthday last year. I drove him out of my house in a drunken rage the day before it and he never came back, save to pick up his stuff with his brother and grandparents in an awkward, hurried rush . , , I guess my birthday gift from him was that I was finally free. 
But does he really deserve the satisfaction of me saying “happy birthday” when he made my life hell for so many years, then left on such a sour note on what could have been the last happy birthday I ever had?
I’m not sure. Only tomorrow will tell. Because tomorrow, coincidentally, is also the day that my father is getting checked for some extremely weird and rare form of cancer.
I dreamed of my grandmother’s house last night. His mother . . . I dreamed that Jeremy was there with a short Asian girl who was his girlfriend or wife, and she planned to convert the house into an aquarium.
I made my dad laugh today. I told him about the dream, and I said about Jeremy, “Build yourself an aquarium and stick your head in it.” 
~
My life has been so convoluted and constricted by the black ink tendrils of misery and addiction for the past year that I can’t even remember half of what I’ve said or done. That relationship dragged on for 15 years . . . And it feels somehow that I lost ten years off my life. 
I feel as old as the decade. 10 years behind, or maybe even longer . . . Still just a kid desperate to grow up--free from the chains of that depressive, autistic weirdo (I’m one to talk)--but still trapped in a prison of my own making, with thicker bars than I could bash my head through in a thousand lifetimes.
Back when I went to Woodstock in November, I was filled with uncertainty and ready to leave. But now I look back on it so fondly . . . So much has changed that I feel sick to think of what tomorrow may bring.
My father was not what most people would define as “a good man” on a true level. By the standards of society, perhaps he was. I honestly couldn’t tell you. But all I know is that he gave me the ability to think critically and question society, even if it was through drowning in his own mistakes for all my life. Really, none of that matters at all right now, and probably never will again.
All I want, all I hope, is that I can have a few more years to really get to know him. 
I’m the type of person who struggles immensely with showing emotion in front of others, even behind a screen. I never used to be, but a lot has changed within me over the past few years. I’ve experienced so much loss, so much dissolution of what i believed was fundamental . . . 
Oh, how I wish I could go back ......... if only for an hour, knowing what I know now. But how sad it would be . . . I would probably just sit there and stare off and cry, just like I feel like doing now. But the tears will never come.
In the shower I stood there for minutes or maybe even half an hour, I couldn’t tell. And I cried so hard that I couldn’t even hear the sobs. I imagined Jesus Christ hanging naked and shameful, broken on the cross, wounds dragging him down from his wrists to his elbows cracking beneath the weight . . . 
And I understood how and why so-called Christians find solace in the fact that even the avatar of God himself suffers and dies. 
Oh, to reap the pain in the black holes of midnight again ... to taste the euphoria of true disconnection from the fucking mainframe . . . I would break my skull this very moment if it meant I could go back and undo the damage I’ve done, the pain I’ve caused myself and others. 
I never listened. I was always the smartest person in the room. I mean this both sarcastically and literally. People have been giving me horrible advice for all my life, and for all my life I’ve been following it. 
I was finally on the right track, but then I lost momentum because I fell for the trap of a “traditional job” after I already broke the mold. Then the divorce happened, and since then it’s been nothing but shit. Good moments are speckled within the slime pits of torment, but they’re few and far between--but I I thought I knew suffering a week ago, and holy fucking hell was I wrong.
My father told me to finish my book today for the first time in . .. my entire life. My mother gave me a ring that belonged to my grandmother, made of my birthstone, shaped in the formation of the demon star in the throne of Ovium. 
I wonder if my father ever knew about my black metal project. One time he said something weird to me, mildy amused, like, “I heard you wanted to make a band.”
I used to be so good at playing guitar. I could trem pick so fast not even carpel tunnel could catch me. But now I’m dead, and not in the good way. Gutted and vivisected like at Unit 731, but there’s nothing gained from the seething agony. It isn’t even interesting. The screams aren’t even articulate.
It’s a private spectacle--one enjoyed only by fellow sad clowns on the fringes of reality, like you out there, lonely and weird enough to make it to the end of this post.
~
Since these take a significant amount of time and energy to write I’m going to start adding this to these personal posts. It will most likely just be a copy-paste of the following message. But I know some of you have followed me for endless years, so . . .
Over the past year I’ve ruined my life through gambling addiction, stupid decisions, mental illness, addiction, and other bullshit. I used to be a somewhat prolific writer. I’ve seen it all. From science fiction pulps to Fortune 100 companies, I’ve met people you wouldn’t believe, and struck them down too . . . But even though I’ve had opportunities that most people could only dream of, my finances are fucked beyond repair. So if you happen to be a rich weirdo/Illuminati bloodline/alien hacktivist, feel free to send me some money. 
I used to be a black metal musician too. Maybe someday I will be again. This is all I can offer you in return: https://wormheart-black-metal.bandcamp.com/album/wings-of-a-celestial
Venmo: https://account.venmo.com/u/StarlessImperium
bitcoin: 1JXXTKdsx7qUbjDRDiRmzDd5RTmpxeUDC6
If you want physical Wormheart CDs or signed letters, send me a private message.
I will not gamble the money. I will use it to rebuild my life and break the chains I strangled myself with. If you have the power to help me, give me one last chance. 
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cafedanslanuit · 3 years ago
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♡   —   pairing: yuuta x reader
♡   —   summary: By now, Yuuta has experienced enough to recognize love when it flutters back into his heart, but he also knows that with love comes fear and anguish and longing― and the uttermost horrid hope that maybe it’s all worth it.
♡   —   tags/warnings: gn reader + no pronouns, set around their 3rd or 4th year of the tokyo metropolitan curse technical college on new year's eve, honestly this is just fluff and a feel-good fic <3
♡   —   words: 2.4k
♡   —   a/n: my first one-shot for yuuta 🥺💕 with this piece i've discovered i truly love writing about him... we're both romantic saps and i think it shows lol
♡   —  masterlist
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Yuuta's cheeks had been tinted deep red since he entered the pub. Actually, they had been like that ever since he spotted you sitting near the window sipping a colourful drink with a small smile on your lips. However, you hadn’t noticed this until, long after he had taken the seat next to you, something you said made him laugh. Chuckling, Yuuta’s head moved and suddenly the dim lighting inside the pub reflected on his pale skin, revealing his lovely blush.
Maybe it is the alcohol. You knew alcohol tended to paint people’s faces in reddish colours, especially when they were as pale as Yuuta. However, the night keeps going and you can’t help but notice the colour wasn’t wearing off, even if he hadn’t drunk more of the one bottle of beer he had ordered more than an hour ago.
"Thought you wouldn't come today," you comment, raising your voice so he could listen to you on top of the pub's noise. He furrows his eyebrows, a small smile on his face.
"I'm not that introverted, you know?" he reminds you, taking a sip of his beer. "And it's New Year's Eve. It's been a while since I could celebrate it with friends."
He's thought of you each morning he walked into that rusty coffee shop that, even if it had seen better days, served the best coffee he had ever tasted. A couple of sips and he was already ready to start his day. Would kissing you be just like that? Would it fill him with such energy? He likes to think so. Sometimes, his phone would buzz with a message from you and it would be enough for him to leave his half-finished cup on the table with a couple of coins and get on with his job.
Yuuta bites his tongue. Should have he said that? Would you automatically believe that he only sees you as a friend? Because he doesn't― God, he doesn't. He's spent the past few months with your memory dancing and prancing around his mind, your pretty smile and gentle eyes making his heart skip a beat every time he thinks about them. He knows he doesn’t see you as a friend.
By now, he’s had enough life experience to recognize love when it flutters back into his heart; however, he also knows that with love comes fear and anguish and longing― and the uttermost horrid hope that maybe it’s all worth it.
Did you know how much an effect you had on him? That, last time Gojou sent him on a long mission, he asked if there was someone else who could take his place? Yuuta had barely talked to you in person. If he recalled correctly, it hadn’t even been more than three times than he had seen your face. Your relationship grew over texts and phone calls, and while he didn’t have a problem with the constant travelling he was usually pushed into, he wondered if you ended the calls the same way he did― longing for summer afternoons where both of you could lie on the grass, finally without the need of a phone for a change.
Would you get bored if all you did was talk? He was up to anything you wanted to do. If you wanted to rent bikes and ride around the city, he would find the best store and pay for both. If you wanted to have a picnic at the training fields, he would ask Yuuji to teach him one of his recipes. Even if you wanted to have a group hangout, he would ignore his selfish thoughts of having all your attention and would ask your mutual friends to tag along.
As he kept thinking about it, he realized he didn’t really care about the time, place, or even the people that were around him.
He just needed you.
You, who had not left his mind the past few months.
You, whose voice he longed to hear the most after a difficult day.
You, whose only mention could lift his spirits.
You, who had made his heart jump after years of silence.
You, who are looking at him with a raised eyebrow.
Shit.
"Sorry, got sidetracked," he chuckles nervously, scratching the back of his head. "What did you say?"
Your smile disarms him once more. "It's okay. I was just asking if you brought a date."
Yuuta widens his eyes, clearly confused.
“A date?” he repeats, still a little dumbfounded. “No.”
“Oh, they stayed back, huh?” you ask with a playful smile. You take a sip of your drink, only making his confusion grow.
“Stayed back? No― no, I didn’t date anyone while I was travelling,” he says. Wait, did you think that when he wasn’t on the phone with you he was―?
“C'mon,” you insist, gently nudging his knee with yours. “You're really gonna make me believe you didn't meet anyone interesting abroad?”
“I was working, you know?” he says, not noticing the frustration growing in his voice. “It wasn’t a vacation or a― time off or anything. I had a goal, I wasn’t wasting my time.”
Your smile falls from your face but it was quickly replaced by another milder, faker one. “Yeah, of course. Sorry. You’re right,” you chuckle, and it’s at that moment that Yuuta realizes he fucked up. Your eyes don’t meet your smile and you’re looking anywhere but his eyes.
Look at me, he wants to say. Please, look at me again.
“You know, since we’re talking about that,” you continue, looking down at your hands. “I wanted to apologize. I always felt a bit bad for texting you so much when you―”
“No!”
Once again, Yuuta has raised his voice, and he doesn’t seem to mind that a couple of heads have turned in his direction. How could he, when you’re finally looking into his eyes?
“I didn’t mean it that way. I only meant I didn’t have time to date― not that I would be against― uh― dating? It just didn’t happen,” he explains, tripping over his words. “I wasn’t trying to date anyone. And your texts! Your texts were more than fine. They were― Honestly, I really liked them! They were the best part of my day.”
A genuine smile draws upon your lips and Yuuta lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
“Really?”
Yuuta nods eagerly, more sure of himself than he had ever been. “Yes.”
“Well, good,” you grin, so happy with yourself Yuuta feels the impulse to crash his lips against yours. “I liked hearing from you too. Whenever I went through some shit I really looked forward to listening to your voice at the end of the day.”
A warm sensation floods his insides, fueling him to continue the conversation.
“So…” he pauses, trying to contain his excitement. “You― you didn’t bring anyone either? To the party?”
“Nope,” you say, shaking your head. “Wouldn’t fair if I did, you know?” you ask, and there’s a dust of mischief in your eyes. “Since I already like someone.”
Yuuta’s heart jumps.
“Oh?”
“Five minutes until midnight!”
The DJ’s announcement breaks the moment and the next thing Yuuta knows, Maki, Toge and Panda are all running and crashing into the two of you. They’re very, very, inebriated but he can’t seem to care― not when you’re laughing at one of Panda’s remarks, your shoulders shaking as you do. Even if he’s frustrated you were interrupted, he can’t fight off the smile on his face. You truly look the most beautiful when you’re enjoying yourself, Yuuta thinks.
What did you mean when you said you already liked someone? Was that a confession? He felt his heart beating out of his chest while he considered the possibility you were referring to him. After all, you did say you liked talking to him on the phone and that you didn’t have a date for the night. Who else could you have meant?
Yes, of course, there was the possibility it could be someone else. Someone Yuuta didn’t even know. Maybe you met someone during one of your assignments, a non-sorcerer that, for some reason, couldn’t make it to this New Year’s Eve party. Someone who wasn’t in another country for the most part of the year, someone you could actually look at while you were talking, someone who―
Then again, you did say it was his voice you looked forward to listening to at the end of the day, right?
So, had it been a confession or not? And if it was, should he do something about it? The moment had been lost when the rest of your classmates arrived, but the party was far from over. Maybe he could find another opportunity to speak to you in private. He’d tell you that you’re more than a dear friend to him― that, at this very moment, he can’t even consider going on another journey if you’re not by his side. That he knows this feeling well, and it’s love. He’s fallen in love with you. Yes, over phone calls and texts, but it’s real. He knows that the reason your laugh pulls on his heartstrings with such ease is that he’s surrendered to you― body and soul, everything he is, is nothing but yours and only yours.
Before he can muster the courage to ask you for a private conversation, you’re standing up and leaving the group. Yuuta notices Panda is asking something to him, but he can’t pay attention. Where are you going? He watches your back disappear in the crowd and without thinking it twice, he stands up and follows you, bumping into strangers until his hand closes around your elbow.
“Wait! You can’t go yet― it’s almost New Year’s!” he says, and watches you turn on your heel with a confused expression.
“What? No, I’m not going home yet” you say with a laugh. “I’m just getting another drink.”
Yuuta looks over your shoulder and realizes you were heading to the bar.
Well, this is embarrassing.
“Oh, okay,” he whispers, letting go of the hold of your elbow while you watch him with an amused smile.
“Want to go with me for a new―”
“Ten! Nine! Eight!”
People around you at the pub started chanting the countdown to the new year, taking you by surprise. You looked over at the table by the window where you were sitting, but with how many people had jumped to the dance floor, it was almost impossible to find anybody more than a few steps away.
“Seven! Six! Five!”
Your eyes land back on Yuuta’s and oh― there it is again. The blush across his cheeks and his quivering lips, his dark circles on his pale skin and his gleaming eyes. He looks so good with his grown-out hair, and you wish you had the courage to push it away from his face, tangle your fingers, wake up to your face pressed against it.
You should say something. Tell him that ever since the first time you saw him, you knew you wanted him to be a part of your life. Whether as a friend or a lover, you weren’t sure. But as soon as his eyes fell on you and he greeted you with a smile, you realized you weren’t just meeting him― you were recognizing him. You had never seen him before and yet his presence brought you a peaceful warmth. The first conversation flowed easily as if you had shared your best years together and you couldn’t help but think that maybe, in some other life, you had.
He belonged in your life. And that thought was only cemented with the continuous calls and texts you exchanged while he was abroad. You felt like a little kid, grinning widely whenever your phone buzzed and, without even looking at the screen, you already knew it was him. And now, after months and months of imagining his expressions, he is here, right in front of you and you can’t believe it’s taking you this much courage to finally do something about it, tell him to―
Yuuta grabs the zippers of your jacket.
“Four! Three! Two!”
For the first time, his indecision is palpable. His body sways on his heels almost imperceptibly, backwards and forwards, not knowing what to do next. Yuuta looks down at his hands, your wrinkled jacket inside his fists and he mentally kicks himself for not being able to take the next step. He wants you, he wants you so bad he’s afraid of letting go and surrendering himself to a life of yearning from the sidelines. However, he’s mostly afraid of finally acting on his feelings and finding out, deep down, you didn’t feel the same after all.
“Yuuta,” you whisper.
His lips part as he raises his eyes back to yours.
“Kiss me.”
“One!”
His lips are pressing on yours. He’s kissing you― Yuuta is kissing you while the rest of the pub is cheering for the new year, yet only the two of you exist at this moment. All that matters now is his hands that have let go of your jacket and are now pulling you closer by the small of your back and his lips that taste like beer and yearning, like summer afternoons and the promise of a better tomorrow.
Your arms wrap around his neck, and you feel his back arching and lifting you up your feet. Yuuta steadies you by placing one of his hands on the middle of your back, securely holding you while his lips glide against yours. His touch is both gentle and desperate, the feeling of coming back home mixes with the exhilaration of new love and you swear you have never felt so much at the same time. You kiss him like you’ll never get enough of him, even though just by looking at your eyes he’s already giving you everything you ever wanted.
It takes a moment before he finally puts you down. Your breath crashes with his when you pull away from each other, still a little dizzy and disoriented, warm cheeks and blown-out pupils lost in each other.
“Hi,” he sighs, a silly smile drawn on his face. You chuckle softly against his lips and gently cup the sides of his face.
“Happy New Year,” you say, and Yuuta doesn’t think he’s ever been this happy.
He kisses you again.
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diamond-vic · 2 years ago
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In the light of the newly revealed Marcy’s Journal pages, I am imploring the Amphibia fandom as a whole to please keep in mind the core of the show is the girls’ struggle with their friendship, not repressed/ unknown romantic feelings
Aka: an aromantic amphibia fan shares their thoughts on the importance of the girls’ friendship as the core of everything (including possible relationships between them)
As a whole, I see far more content of Sashannarcy than I do of anything else in the show, and while I love the ship to death, it does gloss over many important things in the show. I’ve seen repeated mentions on how the girls’ actions in certain circumstances were because of how ‘down bad’ they were for the others, which leaves a sour taste in my mouth. This is not how it is in canon; they do not do anything just because of crushes (at least, nothing major and life changing)
To start with, addressing things in the journal. Admiring others, adoring their company above all others, even calling them ‘loves’ is not inherently romantic (I’m rather sure I have either called, or been called, this between my friends)! While it can be, and while I encourage you to see it that way if you wish, saying there is no other explanation is just.. untrue??
There are queerplatonic feelings, for one, which do not get brought up nearly as much as a possible ‘explanation’ for lack of a better term, and also friends who function in relationship like non-blood family members. As an Aromantic person whose friends are my entire world, it stings to see so many things with the messaging that what Marcy does is so substantial, and so driven by emotion, that she HAS to be in love with Anne and Sasha to have done it. It comes across that she wouldn’t have made the decisions she did if she wasn’t. This places friendships as less of an emotional investment, and so less prone to irrational, emotionally charged actions, which is blatantly untrue. My life was majorly affected when a best friend of mine moved away when I was in middle school, because he was one of few friends I had, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t adjust in a way that allowed me to recover and grow past it. There was nothing romantic about that relationship, but it shaped my middle school life and continues to have effects on my present. The circumstances are similar enough to Marcy that I feel for her pain. There’s no reason why Marcy’s feelings couldn’t be similar, no romantic feelings involved whatsoever
Furthermore, romantic feelings are (from what I understand), at least initially, out of the havers control, and may cause them to behave in ways maybe they typically wouldn’t. An actual relationship, on the other hand, whether platonic, romantic, queerplatonic, or anything else, is a choice of genuine devotion.
What Marcy does in Amphibia is a choice. She chooses to take matters into her own hands, because she doesn’t want her relationships with Anne and Sasha to change or end. Their role in her life are as constants, pillars she cannot live without, who love and protect her and who she adores. These are kids who have been friends since kindergarten. That is 8 or so years of being in each other’s lives, through who knows how many hardships off screen. That is a very special kind of friendship. While, yes, of course something like that can lead to a relationship, it needs to be seen as that; a very special friendship that becomes a different kind of relationship!
I want to make it very clear that I’m not trying to be one of those ‘why are you shipping this, just let friends be friends’ people! I just think that, for a show like Amphibia that is so heavily centered around deconstructing and rebuilding unhealthy friendships, it is important to pay respect to those friendships. The show is a wonderful representation of how friendships can be at the core of your life and guide your actions, just as family or other relationships could be. No matter how you view these characters (platonic, romantic, or some flavor of queerplatonic as I do), it is their friendship at the beginning of it all, and it is the want to preserve that friendship that guides the characters’ actions within the show. I’m not delusional and I do see how gay the journal is so far, of course! You can look at Marcy gushing over her friends in the journal and say ‘that seems gay!’, without also saying ‘the major actions she did were because she is in love’
I hope this is coherent enough and makes sense! I feel very strongly for this show and its characters, and I just can’t help but feel some of the things I’ve seen with the Marcy journal especially miss the point of the show sometimes. Maybe I just see things different than others since I am aroace, but I felt the need to throw in my 2 cents. Maybe someone feels similar? If nobody sees this, at least I got it out of my brain (and as an aroace queerplatonic Anne and Marcy believer, I want to spread my propaganda a little too)
TLDR: The trio’s friendship is the core of the show and the major actions they take, and claiming these actions have to have romantic origin downplays platonic relationships’ ability to be powerful and devastating. At the same time, shipping them is fun and meaningful as long as it isn’t framed as the motivation for those major actions, and rather as a result of the long standing bond the characters have shared for the better part of a decade (their friendship is the core of any sort of further feelings)
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