#maybe I'm elitist but I just don't think that shit works

[garrettwrites]

I'm am so fucking tired of people not understanding tropes. No, it's not an enemies to lovers if the characters just kinda dislike each other. No, it's not enemies to lovers if the characters merely view each other as annoying. No, it's not enemies to lovers just because A is an asshole to B. Stop tagging your crappy book as enemies to lovers when it isn't I am so tired of getting excited for shit I think I'll enjoy only to be slapped with "lol they're in love 40 pages into this enemies business" shut up shut up shut up

[ca-suffit]

First of all, thank you so much for your reply. I really needed to hear that I wasn't the only one who found the lack of melanin conspicuous, cuz everytime I saw the post had more notes than the last like I thought I was tweaking.

Second, you're so right about the nature of this fandom's discourse. Most of it's just platitudes. It's all very... It’s all these ostensibly leftist or at least liberal ppl misusing therapyspeak and being downright nasty with no regard for (other) BIPoC fans' feelings (or the themes of the show), trying to cudgel ppl with how "smart" they are and how "dumb" we are.

I think the nasty thing for me is that I love what the show is doing, but then I check on the fandom and it goes ah ah ah negro you don't understand anything at all. Read Chrétien de Troyes' body of work and watch random USAmerican show #47 before you try speaking again.

I'm coming across as confrontational, I think, and I don’t mean to. Let me try again. Food for thought for the well-intentioned:

Are you really engaging with the show's critique of white supremacy if your behaviour in fandom replicates it? Using the white Western literary canon etc as shorthand for your intelligence/the worth or value of your interpretation. Are you actually egaging with the show's critique of cisheteropatriarchy if all those texts were created by and largely for an audience of cishet men? Maybe ppl don't need degrees in literary or gender and queer studies to have worthwhile insights. Maybe condescending to people while being unfamiliar with a whole host of queer Black literature when talking abt a queer Black show is at best... foolish. Maybe it weren’t for all that then watching the show would feel less like stepping on a rake. Okay, sorry, now I'm being petty (and elitist). I'm trying not to make assumptions or broadsweeping statements here.

Like you said it's all in service of not mentioning what even the blind can see. That's not a value judgement, ppl don't usually bury the subject consciously, white or BIPoC, it's our society. But that's why you gotta think and talk about race, because when you don't, you leave it unchallenged and it perpetuates.

Reading that the Utena thing at least didn't start (?) with non-Black fans did make me feel weirdly more positive about it. Anthy and Utena... Hm. Loustat is everywhere to see for the delusional. 🫶🏿

(I keep mentioning in asks that I'm very happy with the show and I hope it doesn't come across as trying to shame/police fans who aren't or sound like I'm gloating - I just wanna contextualise my specific frustrations.)

This felt productive to me.

Thank you so much for this space and especially for your time, I realise what a huge amount of emotional labour this blog must require (and here I come, shoveling more shit onto you 🫤). You've been both very thoughtful and thought-provoking. - 🦁

I'm out of brain energy to give this a better response rn but I've rly appreciated u being here and sharing what u do, and thank u so much for the compliments too. I used to have this account locked down bcuz I only ever saw anon asks and post comments and stuff allowing bullying to happen in more hidden spaces. I never thought the fandom could utilize the same things in order to be more vocal about a lot of stuff. I love that we've all discovered that this can work like this now. there's still shit happening at times but it's become a lot more positive here than it was at the beginning, bcuz ppl *want* to have these conversations.

[something-pithy]

Notes and an Update: Astarion, Tav, and Trauma in Stories

Pictured above: actual footage of trauma response from Astarion (j/k! kinda!) to catch your eye :D

Hey glittercats and cosmic kittens!

So I've definitely been neglecting the updates here, which I'm going to try to do better with.

We're up to Chapter 11 on this bad boy, and I've adjusted the anticipated chapter count to 30 (but honestly it's probably still all lies because I have absolutely no sense of how much writing each point on my outline ends up being loool).

I have a DOPE beta who's fucking amazing both in terms of conventions and idea partnership and I'm telling you right now, this story is so much better for having their hands and eyes on it.

SOME CONTENT WARNING STUFF RE: THIS CHAPTER:

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

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.

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MORE DETAILS ON THIS -- SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

So hopefully that's enough room for people who don't want to be spoiled to escape!

So I'm going to copy/paste the end note on the story, and expand on it a little bit.

So, although Tav is a "good drunk," as Frank Gallagher might put it, she is 1000% engaging in pretty serious substance abuse, or to be more specific in this chapter, alcohol use disorder. I'm not going to go into the way this story is going to approach mental and behavioral health disorders and trauma; hopefully it will speak for itself. Suffice it to say substance abuse and trauma are not the central subject of this story, but also, Astarion and Tav as they exist in this little pocket dimension of the BG3 universe have been impacted by the trauma they've each experienced both together and as individuals. In general, the impact of trauma can look and feel a lot of ways. Sometimes it's horrifying, sometimes it's heartbreaking, sometimes it's rage-inducing - but let's be honest, sometimes that shit is funny, too, because humor is such an incredible survival tactic / coping mechanism. Even if sometimes we're laughing at shit that shouldn't be funny. (Maybe especially then.) This story isn't going to be an after-school special or a PSA. It's a story about people, and sometimes people are fucked up (literally and figuratively). Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. If this has activated you, or you have earnest questions or concerns about what's going on in this story / with these characters, or you just want to shoot the shit, hit me up on my tumblr. There might be more notes there on this eventually, but for now, this chapter actually took a lot out of me and I'm still out here with these perpetual COVID symptoms, so... lol NOT TONIGHT. As always, thank y'all for reading, kudosing, and commenting.

OK, so I may have lied about the no notes part... but honestly, in re-reading that note, I think it kind of gets to the point.

But ALSO...

I've been a geek on the internet for a long, long time. I've engaged with different fan-based writing and roleplaying communities (tabletop, chat-based, forum-based, butt-based -- EVERYTHING) for pretty much the entire time.

"The Tragic Backstory" seems like it's been A Whole Thing since people started creating characters whether for roleplay or stories.

I think times have changed somewhat, but back in the day I ran in circles where a lot of thoughts about writing, creating characters, roleplay, etc. coexisted somewhat peacefully, but an old chestnut that consistently (maybe without fail) turned up in any conversation that involved Writers of Quality was a contingent of folks who had deep disdain for The Tragic Backstory.

I'm talkin' some deep, scathing, elitist shit, my beautiful people.

And I'm not gonna lie to you! This is approximately ten thousand years ago (no but seriously, decades), and honestly, I was up in those conversations, too, throwing around my disdain, assured by my fellow elitists that even though I frequently employed some form of Tragic Backstory, it was OK when I did it because it was good.

I mean in retrospect, it's kinda bullshit. There's always gonna somebody who's gonna think your shit's good, and there's also always gonna be somebody who thinks they're a Better Writer Than You who's gonna think your shit is... well, shit.

Not gonna lie, I still have very strong and particular preferences when it comes to the fic I read in general, and that includes backstory.

But over time, I got progressively less insecure (not just about my writing, but in general) and consequently less concerned with judging writing that's not my flavor as "bad" or "shitty" or "juvenile" (looool seriously, I was a dick) and more concerned with finding and creating writing that is my flavor.

However, and I don't think I'm going to apologize for it, some dickish tendencies linger in my soul. I'm going to try and frame these thoughts in terms of what compels me in a story I'm reading and what I do (or try to do) in my own writing.

This is a very long way of saying if something I say (or have already said) makes you feel like I'm coming for your neck, please know that I'm not.

My thoughts and/or opinions may cause you or someone you love to feel Some Type of Way. That is not my intention. I have no desire to:

Yuck anyone's yum

Contribute to or activate the crippling self-doubt that plagues almost every creative I've ever met

Be a dick.

Having said all that, I do have Thoughts on This Matter.

People write for a lot of reasons, but I'm fairly convinced that nobody's doing it with any level of purity. There are tons of incredible, beautiful, moving stories that feature a whole-ass Self-Insert, maybe even the dreaded Mary Sue.

(lol lookin' at you Dante's Inferno, Tyrion Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire, and countless others lol)

People write to explore topics and themes that interest them, that compel them, that they see recurring in the world around them and/or their own lives.

One of those things is trauma.

In my writing, I approach trauma, disordered behaviors, dysfunction, dysregulated emotions, etc. (topics both of great interest to me and, not coincidentally, ones with which I have a great deal of personal experience) from a place of wanting fervently to tell the truth.

And I'm pretty good writing some things that feel true.

But I know that in some ways, I've shied away from harder truths; from using my writing and the characters I create not only as reflections of what I see in the world, but as accurate (rather than idealized) reflections of myself.

Because of this, while I've explored redemption arcs in roleplaying games (where being cheesy or facile or juvenile or fulfilling personal fantasies felt much safer than on a page), I've skirted neatly around it, I think, in my writing (for the most part). Because I absolutely was the girl who wanted to "save" or "fix" the wounded (and emotionally unavailable, and/or abusive, and/or toxic) lover. I wanted stories about it. I wanted to roll around in that narrative, bathe in it, eat it up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

All while occupying the role/perspective of The Good One / The Good Girl whether in a game or in a story I was consuming.

But it's not the truth. Not the whole truth, at least. Not for me, anyway.

My admiration, respect, regard, and all the other good words for the writing and acting in Baldur's Gate 3 cannot be overstated. Each of the "origin" characters (and honestly, any character "Tav" has the opportunity to even have a conversation with, much less spend a significant amount of time with) is thoughtfully and truthfully written. I see this more in some than others, but that depth and breadth of understanding about human beings -- sorry, sentient beings -- shows up all over the place and honestly I almost can't stand how much I love it.

I'm not going to say that there's no character I feel this as deeply with as Astarion, but... idk, sometimes.

But there's no need to quantify this. Astarion is one of a number of characters from the game that I'm low-key obsessed with.

As such, when I decided to take on the story outcome in which, in my opinion, he throws all the growth, all the processing, all the truth and reconciliation I saw him moving toward in the game into a fucking woodchipper, I did not want it to be easy.

I get wanting it to be easy, and there are delicious, delicious fics out there that go this route. I think anybody who writes Ascendant Astarion at least flirts with it.

And it's not a binary; it's not either, "OMG this is completely uncomplicated, I love you I'm your spawn and it's just like if you hadn't ascended except your SUPER EXTRA POWERFUL AND SEXY AND HOT AND WHOOPS THERE GO MY PANTIES" (which, tbh... lool I'm not mad at) or "ASTARION IS IRREDEEMABLE LET ME WRITE OF HIS TRAGIC DEMISE AND TAV'S TRAGIC WITNESS TO IT / ENGINEERING OF IT." Which I'm ALSO not mad at, because THOSE THINGS CAN BE TRUE.

But while I'm subscribed to some stories that follow those paths or ones like them, and when I get that notification it's time to STOP THE PRESSES bc mama needs to READ, for me the challenge of this is if I'm going to continue Astarion and Tav's love story (or rekindle it lol), I want to honor the four years of intense character work Neil Newbon and Stephen Rooney and honestly the whole goddamn BG3 team from soup to nuts have done by considering "What would really happen here" as brutally as possible.

Komo, my incredible thought partner-cum-beta, can tell you about the pages of back and forth between us about "fml, how can we make this story work and maintain fidelity to the integrity* of these characters???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

*not personal integrity -- meta shit. The integrity of their arcs, development, personalities, histories, traumas, etc.

SO. Back to trauma.

I said in my end note for chapter 11 that this story is not an after-school special (which looool probably at least some of you are like wtf are you talking about my dude and I'm like looooool omg life before kids were a whole target demographic unto themselves - kind of lol) or a PSA.

Which alludes to the fact that YES, I want to tell the truth about the ugliness of this relationship and the individuals in it with nuance and empathy and sensitivity; that I want to write about the pain and harm and longing and ache and all of it in ways that are neither hyperbolic nor diminishing.

But also, look, my darling motherfuckers, my comrades in fuckery, whoever's made it this far into this rambling monster of a -- whatever the fuck this is lool -- PEOPLE WHO HAVE TRAUMA ALSO HAVE FUN.

SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN THEY ARE ENGAGING IN BEHAVIORS THAT ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO THEMSELVES AND/OR OTHERS.

I don't think I've sufficiently unpacked this part to dig down much deeper into it, but what I will say is that this is not going to be a passion play about Poor Tav or Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay? or anything else.

What this is going to be (or at least, what I passionately want it to be) is -- framed with a delicious little fake-dating muffin of an emotional MacGuffin -- a portrait of some people in all (or lordt jebus please let me achieve at least MOST) of their complexity.

ALL OF IT.

Lordt Baby Jebus, Allah, Milal, Great Spaghetti Monster, ANYBODY

(not Lolth lol)

hear my prayer!

Aight, that's all I've got for today. <3

If you made it this far, PM me and tell me something you want to see in the story! I'll make you a treat.

And if it don't fit in the story, I might be able to make a li'l drabble happen.

COMING SOON to Writing Notes Storytime:

Identity in this story and in stories in general

The Good, the Bad, and the Neutral: Alignment and Astarion (and some other ppl, too!) in BG3, DnD, and This Story lol

Stuff I'm forgetting bc I'm STILL not over this never-ending COVID fuckery

[heir-less]

Just curious Can you explain the housing situation with the wales? They have four houses? Or three and why would a move to Windsor be bad? I don’t want to go on a wales blog lol

The Wales family currently has four or maybe five houses and they are:

Amner Hall: This is a country residence on the Sandringham Estate in Norfolk, the family moved there in 2015 but it was a wedding gift from QEII back in 2011. It was their main residence until 2017, and they renovated it for a lot of money. People incorrectly state that they felt Amner Hall behind after they moved to Windsor, but that's not the case. It continues to be their private country home where they spent weekends and holidays.

Kensington Palace: This is the Prince and Princess of Wales's London residence. Despite it being called "Apartment 1A", giving off the vibe of something small and functional, it is actually a four-story mansion within a palace. It was renovated for over 4 million pounds after the couple moved in 2013. It is their main city residence and I assume this was where they stayed when the children St Thomas's, which is in the same area.

Adelaide Cottage: Adelaide Cottage is the principal residence of Kate and her children, and, I'm told William sometimes lives there, too. Just kidding, the cottage is their principal residence and is located in Windsor Home Park and is within walking distance from Windsor Castel and Frogmore House. Last year it was framed in context to the "busy, tourist attraction" of Kensington Palace, with royal reporters claiming the children need more space for a normal upbringing. Sure.

Llwynywermod: This is the residence we don't know much about, or how often they stay there but it was purchased by the Duchy of Cornwall in 2006 and is the Welsh residence of William and Kate.

Why moving out of Kensington Palace is a bad idea:

It's been floated around that Will and Kate want to move into Windsor Castle. At first, it was painted as them wanting to be close to the Queen, which I didn't have an issue with, but with the Queen gone moving from KP to Windsor is a bad, bad idea.

London is the capital city of England and is located in a city, giving an element of closeness to cultural events and the people. To boil it down, London is where all the shit happens and they need to be there for logical reasons. Every other residence they are on massive estates where outsiders are prohibited. The Queen moved to Windsor full-time with Philip because isolation made sense: they were an elderly couple during a pandemic where meeting the wrong people could literally kill them. Such a level of isolation is not required for Will and Kate, a relatively young couple who honestly are already recluses who don't do a lot of work. I'm sick of KP suddenly being framed as a "trap" with no privacy and that the Wales kids need more space for a normal upbringing when they've been safe there, along with the generations of royals who have lived there for decades.

Why do they need to isolate to this level? How is it not normal to raise your kids in the city where the vast majority of people in the UK live? I already disliked the move to Adelaide Cottage, because the ROTA framed is in a really classist and racist manner. There was this really gross Allison Pearson piece that I ranted about where she basically said that Will and Kate "fled" London because the city was becoming an unsafe shithole full of immigrants. I think moving to cut off London would give these people more fodder, it would also isolate them from the public to a degree that would hurt them as public figures. If you're basically claiming that you're moving to a massive (the world's largest inhabited) castle because you hate interacting with your fellow citizens in the city, you come off looking terribly elitist. Not to mention the costs of them taking up residence at Windsor Castle.

So, yeah, I just don't think it's a good idea. If they want to move out of KP they should consider another London-based residence like Clarence House. I can't understand how three other country residences isn't enough

[sweatertheman]

well, i was gonna write a response to this reblog i got criticizing me for my stance on genocide/snowgrave AUs, but the person deleted their reblog (or maybe just blocked me) so i wasn't able to reblog it. i remember a few highlights though.

you sound like me when i was younger, "why are these aus so bad and don't contribute to the original i'm going to treat this like a serious issue as if it was an extension of canon"

don't tell people their shit is pointless

put your "no fun allowed" sign away and let people have fun

i don't mean to mischaracterize the person who reblogged, they were fairly polite despite being annoyed, these are just the bits that stuck with me from seeing it briefly, i don't have a very good memory.

so, to the person who reblogged me. if you still believe the things you said in that response, and didn't change your mind when you deleted the post, here's the response i typed out:

i feel like i should clarify, i don't want to tell people what they can and can't do. people can do whatever they want. im not an AU guy even when the AUs are good, but hell if i'm gonna stop people from having fun. if anyone takes my post as a "no fun allowed" sign then i'm sorry it came across that way, and i sincerely hope that you don't feel like your hobbies need the approval of others to be valid, because they absolutely do not. your hobbies are valid and your enjoyment is all that should matter. as for the post itself, i dont mean my question rhetorically. i am genuinely curious, so if anyone wants to tell me why they like these AUs, i'd gladly listen! when i go on to talk about what i think is wrong with them, that's not me saying these things are bad and you shouldn't like them. it's me saying i don't see the point, and explaining my view of these sorts of aus. i suppose i have a habit of phrasing my opinions as though they are facts, and that's more of a general issue with me and i apologize. i usually tend to speak like i'm writing an english essay, lol. and as for aus on the whole, maybe i'm wrong to think about it this way, but i feel like at least for me, fan work should build on or contribute to the discussion around the original work. i'm not the kind of guy who likes to play with the source material and characters as though they were toys. i tend to think about things kind of rigidly, and view the source material as almost like a machine, with every given piece doing some kind of job to make the work function. when i create fanworks, i'm trying to understand and build onto that machine, to improve or expand its functioning. the problem, though, is that being such a rigid thinker, i tend to think that my way is the "right way." while i don't think other people are dumb or bad for doing it their own way, i can be a bit of an elitist in thinking that everyone should be doing it my way. i don't want to ruin anyone's fun though, i am aware that this line of thinking is wrong and i'm doing my best to see things other people's ways. all this to say, i'm sorry if my post came off as an attack on aus or people who enjoy them. all i meant by it was that i don't see the point of some aus and why i find them counterintuitive to the things i personally value in fanworks. thank you for being patient with me.

[pendwick]

Young people saying "ugh, he just turns into a bug" of Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis is actually a time honored tradition and extremely based. It's just that you used to say this while smoking in a car with friends instead of online where the delicate eyes of self identified former gifted kids can see it.

Frankly, calling teens who aren't connecting with certain Important Works of Literature "anti-intellectual" is taking the wrong data point out of that situation.

Art is complicated. And teens? Well, they're going to call anything they struggle with "stupid" and "pointless." I'm not saying you legitimize that perspective. But you definitely don't turn around and call them "stupid, dangerous, and in denial." (Incidentally that's how you create real, actualized anti-intellectuals.)

On the whole I think "anti-intellectual" gets tossed around waaay too casually and when used incorrectly it is a self fulfilling prophecy. The topic of intelligence has never not been a politically complicated minefield.

"Just stop being lazy and educate yourself" is not a slam dunk solution, least of all a systemic one.

"Why don't you like [X]?" and caring to listen is certainly more fruitful than "How dare you, you must love [X]. [X] is highly regarded and if you don't like it you don't understand it. This reflects negatively on your intelligence."

With stakes like those, is it any wonder people might act skittish and defensive? Why they'd lose innate curiosity and be wary to engage with venerated works? Why these attitudes might seed mistrust?

I get wanting to defend your favorite books - I really do. But this "everything is anti-intellectualism" shit: a) paints all ignorance as malicious, b) encourages only one form of strictly positive engagement, and c) actualizes itself, by conjuring a perceived "us vs them" elitist mentality.

And I mean if you're here for "solutions," maybe not being sanctimonious is a start? Accept that engagement starts on different levels. That the Western Canon is imperfect and self-incestuous (often requiring deep cut knowledge on symbolism and topics that aren't one wikipedia click away to form context). That people deserve grace. That when they say "reading this feels like eating gravel" they are likely communicating something very personal and vulnerable, not heralding the end of "culture."

----

EDIT: For context

(because, I realize by the time I've committed to publishing a vague post, I’ve been fully jokerfied):

This is in response to the person who said they’re going to “kill goodreads reviewers” and that quote “[they] aren’t human,” while admonishing a young person’s bad take on Metamorphosis. Then carrying on to mock their tastes, interests, and appearance.

I believe far more nuanced discussions followed, in posts by others and I’m not remotely beefing with any of those folks.

This post is also not actually about Metamorphosis. I'm not beefing with Franz Kafka either.

[queer-aunty]

Songs in preparation for Fontaine:

Those are only speculations.

Arleccino, Lyney & Lynette (maybe also Freminet)

So I was listening to some playlist and I found this song:

And i think it fits, because they are/were (idk if they're still there) orphans at the house of hearts so they probably will help Arleccino and backstab the traveler, but later realize, that she and the Fatui manipulated them and feel betrayed/heartbroken/angry?

I mean no idea if i'm right, but i also don't want to know if i'm right, I want to see it for myself, when Fontaine comes out in a few days.

So everything I wrote in this is changed from the original lyrics also i tried to shorten it a bit, didn't always work so I just copied most stuff and changed stuff^^°

Hope my interpretation makes kind of sense and isn't just weird xD

I come from scientists and atheists and White men who kill God They make technology high quality complex physiological Experiments and sacrilege in the name of public good They taught me everything Just like a mommy (changed to fit) should

And you were beautiful and vulnerable And power and success God damn I fell for you your flamethrowers Your tunnels and your tech I studied showbuisness because I wanted To do something great like you And the real tragedy is half of it was true

But we've been fucking mean We're elitist We're as flawed as any country And this faux rad west coast dogma Has a higher fucking net worth I bit the apple 'cuz I trusted you But it tastes like Thomas Malthus Your proposal is immodest and insane [...]

[...] I loved you it's true I wanted to be you And do what you do I lived here I loved here I thought it was true I feel so stupid I feel so used [...]

I was your baby Your first born The hot boy in your magic class And I was Darwin's prep school dream Bred born and raised to kick your ass I fell for circuit boards Rocket ships Pictures of the stars If you could only be what you pretend you are

When I said take me to the moon I never meant take me alone I thought if mankind toured the sky It meant all of us could go But I don't want to see the stars if they're just One more piece of land for you to colonize For us to turn to sand

[...] I bit the apple 'cuz I loved you And why would you lie And then I realized You're just as naive as I am (not sure, if this would fit) You're so traumatized it makes me wanna cry

[...] I'm so embarrassed I feel abused

Well I don't wanna eat the rich I'd have to eat my hero's first And my tuition's paid by blood I might deserve your fate or worse But I don't need your goddamn money I don't need jack shit from you So when I speak you bet your life my words are true

Let me level with you man As someone guilty of the game I took the help I took the cash I would've taken your last name So if any girl on earth Should get to make a call about this It would be me and as I see it You're a dick

So fuck your god fuck your soldiers Fuck your country fuck your Tsaritsa again You promised you'd be a mother But you're just another Signora Because Signora broke apart All you ever broke were hearts I can't believe you tore humanity apart With the very same machines That could've been our brand new start

And the worst part is I loved you I loved you I loved you it's true And sometimes I feel like I still fucking do I lived here I loved here I thought it was true I'm so embarrassed I feel abused I feel so used I feel so used Take me to the moon Because I feel so used I feel so used

Idk it seems fitting, if you are creative^^°

[fioras-resolve]

i'm an hour away from San Francisco, and less than a day away from gdc. the stuff is terrifying to me, and i'm almost scared to go. like, i'll be on my own in a massive conference center, potentially interacting with people a lot better than me at this whole gamedev shtick. it's strange, you know? to a lot of people i've met i *am* the intimidating gamedev, but when i'm in the presence of other devs i'm reminded that i'm a socially awkward loser who probably wouldn't fit in with this whole thing anyway. i mean fuck, i'm going to wear the cat ears, in large part because i'm hoping that gives people an easy in for talking with me. but it can just as easily make me look like a weirdo who's not taking this seriously. and i do take it seriously! i take it very seriously. i take it more seriously than anyone else i know, because goddammit games are my life. my truest love. the constant in my life that makes it all worth it.

and i'm scared, you know? i'm scared that despite how mature i feel of late, i'm still a fuckin kid. and like, i know, okay? i know that "realizing you're still a kid is the mature thing," but it's different, okay? this isn't "humbling." for years, since i was in high school, i've been insecure about fitting in with people older than me. with rare exception, i'm the youngest one in any group, because i've always been doing shit that few others can. and like, look, i know it's not the Correct thing to say, i know that saying that i, angie nyx, have special talents that others don't is entering some real shit territory. i am well aware that despite my obstacles i am still in an immense position of privilege for even being able to make games in the first place. but i haven't come this far, in creating, analyzing, and learning about games to be told that i'm just like anyone else. 

*sigh* i want to have self-respect and self-confidence without being vain, but really sometimes i just wanna tell someone "i know more than you, why are you questioning me?" i'm in a position where i get to talk about games with people in a way where they listen, and i have an obligation to listen to them. and i hate the feeling i get when someone tells me they see me as a standard they need to live up to, because it shows the contradiction of my whole approach to my work. i take this stuff really seriously, i pursue it as a passion like no other, and i hold myself to a high standard, but i also recognize that holding literally anyone else to that standard would be harmful. i've lost friends over this, and only one has come back.

man, i just... i'm pushed all sorts of ways by this. i'm worried that my going to gdc makes me a sellout or an uberdweeb or an ivory tower elitist. but at the same time i'm worried that i'm NOT good enough to even be in this space. i'm choosing to go to this conference because i believe in my craft, because i want to get better, and because gdc talks have been my comfort media for years. there's some part of me, at the core of my being, that thinks this will be a nice and enriching conference where i'll learn a lot and maybe get to network. this is the place i'll go to meet My People. but i'm terrified, you know? i'm scared that all that i've built up is just pretend. i'm even MORE scared that i'll fuck it up somehow by being so autistic. scared that the mask will slip and i'll reveal myself to be a scared cat in a human body. scared that i'll embarrass myself, or make someone uncomfortable. i'm scared that maybe i'm not a real game developer, but someone just cosplaying as one.

man, i just... i wish i could cuddle with someone right now. it's been months since i've seen a partner or even a friend in person. it's been so long since i've had any kind of contact, any kind of warmth or closeness. i wish i was doing that instead of going by myself to a convention full of people i don't know. i'm lonely. i'm scared. the real reason why i wanted a friend to go with me is because that way i wouldn't feel so alone. i'd have someone i could talk to who was right here with me. if things went badly, i'd get support. instead i'm going with my mom, who very openly treats this as a vacation opportunity like any other. she wants to see the sights of san francisco. what i need is someone who i can share a room with and know it's all gonna be okay. god dammit.

[forsakenasylum]

Unburying my blog just to be an elitist gatekeeper without anyone knowing

You know, I swear I've tried to, but I just cannot understand the appeal of what I like to call... second-hand media consumption.

Like, you're a huge fan of this manga or game or movie that you've... never even read or played or watched. But you've watched a half-hour summary on youtube and that's enough for you to join communities and discussions regarding that thing that you haven't consumed nor have any desire to do so.

I usually see this very often with Touhou and Fate. And, like... I get it. At some degree, I blame the franchise itself in those cases. Those are amongst the most inaccessible franchises for newcomers I've ever seen, and the fact everything is just spread out in several different media (games, anime, manga, novels, encyclopediae, music albums with stories) makes it incredibly hard to keep up with everything.

I honestly don't blame people who don't want or don't feel the desire to keep up with this kind of shit if it feels more like a chore than anything else. I myself spent more than a decade before I FINALLY decided to take a dip into Touhou, for example.

But I never called myself a Touhou fan before I actually started getting into it.

... I know, I know. This is starting to sound really gatekeepish. I'm not saying someone must know everything about a piece of work in order to be a fan of it. I'm also not saying being a fan should be a chore. I'm also not saying I'm more of a fan than people who have never even touched the source material itself.

... okay, maybe I am saying the last part.

What I'm trying to say is... I fail to see where is the fun in this kind of second-hand media consumption.

I'm not against the existence of video summaries or lore videos, quite the opposite! I'm a big fan of those myself and often watch them about the things I enjoy! Or even of things I haven't known yet, if I like the summary or analysis, of course it makes me want to check the thing itself! I think these kinds of videos have a fundamental aspect of bringing people into things they wouldn't check themselves otherwise, and that's a great thing!

That's why I'm so jarred that so many people treat this kind of stuff as a replacement for the real thing?!

How can you watch someone talking about a manga for half an hour, decide it's your favorite manga ever, join a discord server about that manga and engage in discussions and theories and stuff about that manga... without ever, ever reading the manga itself?!

How is that remotely fun?!

I don't know, man. Obviously, I can't stop anyone from consuming media like that. If you only ever watch youtube essays of stuff and consider yourself a big fan, power for you, fella. Do what makes you happy.

But your concept of fun is like, diametrically opposite to mine.

[spinningbuster98]

So...now that the initial hype (and bewilderment?) for the trailer has largely subsided I would like to give my own personal thoughts on Sonic X Shadow Generations

I'm not happy

In fact after the initial feeling of "holy shit they're actually doing this!?" wore off I got pretty goddamn furious if I'm gonna be honest

Putting aside the fact that I am not the biggest fan of Shadow's game, in fact I can quite comfortably say that I hate it, a sentiment that I confirmed for myself after replaying it for a marathon roughly 2 years ago, so much so that, if it weren't for 06 and Secret Rings existing (and maybe Chronicles as well), it would quite easily be the worst Sonic game to me.

Putting aside also the fact that it is very likely to be written by Mr Ian-I can't work with these Shadow mandates man!-Flynn, whose track record on not only the IDW comic but also Frontiers leaves... quite a lot to be desired, especially when referencing past games is concerned

Putting, once again, aside the fact that what little level design we've seen in the trailer seems to be roughly on the same level as Forces', which should make it at least a tiny bit more inspired than Frontiers' though that's not inspiring much confidence in ME

...why?

Really: why?

Why celebrate Shadow The Hedgehog of all games?

Generations is a celebratory game, a game that, very optimistically, looks back on Sonic's story, both the highlights and yes, even the lowlights, which is why Crisis City was included

However it's one thing to include a level from an infamous game that ruined your reputation as part of your historical celebration while also making it far better than how it was in its original iteration

It's another thing to create a whole seperate story campaign dedicated to revisiting one of the most embarassing entries of Sonic's history, one of the titles that is most responsible for Sonic's reputation going down the drain over the years. And no: I'm not claiming that Shadow's game is the biggest culprit, even before its release Heroes was getting a lot of flack, and as early as the mid 90s, after S3K's release, people were starting to dunk on Sonic a bit. But I think we can all agree that it's when Shadow first appeared with a gun in his hand while cursing like an edgy teen that people collectively agreed that Sonic was now washed out and unsalvageable.

And you know I don't wanna act like this thing is doomed before it's out: it is technically possible that they can deliver something decent both gameplay and writing wise and if they do then I'll eat my own hat and praise it like it deserves!

But I am very doubtful about this, given Sega's quite frankly abysmal recent track record with this stuff, especially in light of Frontiers

And I know: it's just an extra mode bundled with a preexisting good game. Why are you bitching so much?

I'm bitching because this is but a symptom of a larger issue that's been going on for over a decade now, which is Sonic as a series being absolutely dependent on revisiting its past in often half assed ways in an attempt to pander to nostalgic fans rather than, y'know, genuinely and fully moving forward! The actual attitude hasn't really changed in 10 years, it's just that now instead of pandering to the classic elitists they're pandering to the Adventure fans, who will gladly eat this up despite whining for years about nostalgia pandering themselves because all their rhetoric during the past decade was mostly bullshit that can be summed up as "Yeah but they're not pandering to the REAL Sonic aka the one I grew up with!"

There's a part of me that would almost like to praise Sega for "taking it on the chin" so to speak, for wanting to take their chances by revisiting an old, hated game and doing something potentially good with it

But let's be perfectly clear here: Sega's not digging up Shadow's game or SA2 for that matter because they want to redeem them or anything, there are only 3 reasons why they're making this

For the aforementioned Adventure-era pandering, Sega have no doubt noticed that the kids who played Shth back in 2005 have now grown up and love it, while the older fans who bashed it have now largely left the fandom so this game is now free to be used as nostalgia bait

It's Shadow and not only is he so popular that everything with his name attatched to it is bound to sell but his playstyle is 90% Sonic's anyway, so they'll mostly just have to make new animations for him

Sonic Movie 3 is coming and they obviously want to capitalize on it. This game is very clearly for newer fans to serve as a "who this guy is and what his deal is" history lesson

The last 2 reasons are especially obvious because honestly, if they're so adamant on pandering to the Adventure Era nostalgia, then why don't they draw from other, better and more deserving sources?

Why not recreate levels from SA1 and 2 or even Heroes? You can even recreate story scenes from them if you truly want, it would still be pandering but at least stuff like Tails and Amy's character arcs in SA1 are far better written and more respectful to their characters than anything from Shadow's game is towards its own protagonist! Hell why not do something TRULY cool, something that is ACTUALLY unthrodden ground and maybe give us for the very first time 3D versions of levels from the Advance series? Cyber Base and Chaos Angel in 3D anyone? Or maybe the Rush games? With a playable Blaze for the first time since forever? I mean Shadow already had his own DLC episode in Forces and it was pretty ok, why not give someone else their own Episode?

Look: if you like Shadow's game and you like what you see? Good for you, I honestly, genuinely hope that you have a good time

But as for me? A (former?) Sonic fan who hasn't enjoyed anything Sonic related to come out of this entire franchise since 2013 (with the semi exception of Mania and maybe Superstars though I still haven't gotten around to playing it), and who's been extremely cynical of Sega and Sonic Team's way of handling this series? This is just the latest in a long list of nails in the coffin

[heycoyotegirl]

What would a Paxton/Devi/Ben triad look like in your opinion?

So I wrote an entire breakdown of how a Ben/Devi/Paxton triad would happen and then I reread your question and realized that wasn’t what you asked at all (but if you are curious about that, I have an answer ready to go lol).

The short answer is that I actually think a triad could work surprisingly well. Obviously they’d have to work on their communication skills to make it work, but that’s true of any high schoolers in any relationship, no matter how many people are involved.

I wrote in a tag that dating Paxton has the potential to fix Ben, which was initially a joke, but then I realized it’s actually true. We see throughout the series that Paxton and Devi bring out the best in each other, and since Ben and Devi are quite similar, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that Paxton and Ben can also bring out the best in each other.

Paxton is the most levelheaded of the three, so he would be able to prevent or mitigate the blow-up fights that I'm sure are in Ben and Devi's future. He has more emotional intelligence than the other two and is good at recognizing people's insecurities and offering reassurance, whereas Ben and Devi tend to (accidentally) hit each other's insecurities under the guise of "banter."

Also, the fact that Paxton doesn't do as well academically would hopefully curb some of Ben & Devi's more pretentious/elitist attitudes. And, as many problems as I have with s4, the way he figured out what he wants to do with his future after he got into college—versus Ben who's always planned to go into law like his dad—would be reassuring for Devi, who openly admits that she doesn't have a goal beyond getting into Princeton and then never explores that (genuinely wtf were the writers doing this season?).

Long answer/examples from the show (focusing on Ben/Paxton primarily, since that's the ship we don't see on the show) under the cut.

Paxton has some sort of magic ability that gets Devi to open up and be vulnerable with him, and we see that it works on Ben too during their conversation after Ben’s surgery in s3ep6.

Paxton: So, why are you so stressed out? Ben: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because my entire life trajectory is determined by the outcome of the next six months. Paxton: Are you talking about college? Dude, you'll get into college. Ben: I don't want to get into just any college. I want to go to Columbia, and I'm not sure if I can get in. Paxton: So then you don't get in. Who cares? Ben: No, not "who cares?" I have to get in. Paxton: Or what? Ben: Or all this work was for nothing. My future is ruined, and I disappoint myself, and my family, and, you know, my dad. Paxton: This is all about your dad? Dude, tell him to go to hell. You work so hard, you haven't had time to shit in two weeks. If I was your dad, I'd be proud of you. [ inhales sharply ] Not because of the not shitting part but because of the hardworking part. Ben: Thanks.

Obviously he isn’t as gentle about it as he is with Devi, but Paxton still figures out the heart of the issue—Ben wanting to impress his dad—and gives him good advice—his dad should already be proud of him for how hard he works, and if he isn’t, then he sucks and Ben shouldn’t care about his opinion or worry about disappointing him. And Paxton was right; when Ben’s dad gets home, he tells Ben that he’ll be proud of him no matter where he goes to college. (Quick question for the writers of this show: What happened to that whole plot line in season 4?? Seems like it would’ve made sense to at least mention it when Ben didn’t like his visit to Columbia.)

I may be forgetting things, since I still haven’t done a full rewatch (and Ben/Benvi fans, feel free to chime in if you remember something I didn’t) but I can’t think of any other pre-s4 examples of Ben voicing similar insecurities. At least, not to a peer, and especially not one who he has reason to be jealous of.

And it’s the same with Devi: She tells Paxton things she’s not ready to tell anyone else.

Paxton also pushes back when Ben is being a dick in a way that Devi doesn’t. Ben and Devi’s history of being rivals means that her instinct is to volley back “banter,” even if Ben has gone too far and said something that’s actually hurtful. But since Paxton doesn’t have that history, he doesn’t return an insult. Instead, his instinctive reaction makes it clear that Ben said something shitty.

Immediately after the bit I quoted above, we get this:

Ben: Let's change the subject. What are you working on? Paxton: Ugh. This stupid college essay. The question sucks. "Discuss an event that shaped you into who you are." I just... I don't know how to answer it. Ben: Hmm. Do you not know what an event is? Paxton: What the fuck, man? I know what an event is, dude. I just… I don't really know who I am. Ben: [ scoffs ] Gimme a break. What do you mean you don't know who you are? You're the only person at our school who's not a nobody. The lunch ladies named a dessert after you. Paxton: Yeah, that's all surface stuff. That's not who I am. Ben: Okay. Then who are you? Paxton: I don't know. Like, I think I'm someone... [ inhales deeply ] Forget it. This is embarrassing. Ben: You can't possibly embarrass yourself more than I have tonight, so get over it. What do you know is true about yourself? Paxton: I mean, I'm a really good brother. Maybe I could talk about when my sister was adopted. I... Ben: Wait, you have an adopted sister? That's essay gold. Okay. Why don't you start making a list of all the ways that she's helped you learn about yourself? Come on. I can... help you.

Ben’s comment hits the tender heart behind Paxton’s sculpted abs, but after the initial snap, Paxton doesn’t turn it into a fight. He actually does the opposite and opens up, admitting an insecurity to explain what he meant.

And Ben responds positively to that. Sure, he doesn’t apologize, and he’s still a bit dismissive at first, but once he realizes that Paxton is actually being vulnerable with him in return, he drops the attitude and offers to help him. And then Ben is genuinely happy when the principal compliments Paxton’s essay the next day.

(And as a bonus, helping Paxton out inadvertently expands Ben's social circle, which is nice, since he has like 1-4 friends max throughout the show, and they're almost entirely dependent on what girl he's dating at that moment. He was super excited by the prospect of hanging out with the Hot Pocket, and I'm glad that they kept his friendship with Trent in season 4.)

(Also, yes, I recognize that this would technically be going from "Ben's only friends are his girlfriend's friends" to "Ben's only friends are his girlfriend's and boyfriend's friends" but 1. that's still more friends overall; 2. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with having the same social circle as your partner(s), as long as you don't immediately lose all of those friends during a break up; and 3. Paxton could probably help him with social skills in general (à la the scene where he teaches Fab how to ask a girl out), which would make it easier to make friends independently.)

Paxton might not always voice his insecurities (which would create conflict in the triad, but I don't think it would be insurmountable), but he's protective of other people. Throughout the show, he always stops to check in with Devi when he sees that she's upset, even if he's been justifiably mad at her prior to that moment. In a situation where Ben or Devi hurt the other's feelings, he wouldn't put up with them avoiding each other and letting the hurt fester. He'd encourage them to talk it out, like he did in season 4, when Devi was going to let the Princeton situation ruin her friendship with Fabiola.

We also know that Devi is more willing to stand up for other people who’ve been wronged than she is to stand up for herself (see: how she broke up with Paxton when he didn’t want to apologize to Haley for icing her out vs how she handled Ben ghosting her).

So if Ben said something that hurt Paxton while all three were dating, she'd be more likely to call him on it. And that would ideally then lead to a discussion about the way Ben hurt her in the past, and he could apologize for the things he said and work to do better, which would resolve my dissatisfaction with Ben and Devi's romantic relationship. (Yes, they were rivals and both mean to each other at times, but Ben was disproportionately cruel after Devi’s dad died. He's said racist/ableist things (throughout the show tbh), and his comments in s1 especially had a significant, lasting impact on her self-esteem.)

I'm realizing that this all basically boils down to: Ben would experience the same character growth from dating Paxton that Devi did because he and Devi have similar flaws

[kamenoverheaven]

See, Goncharov is an "adult" film, in the sense that only those who're cultured, per se, are able to understand and appreciate it for what it is. I by no means wish to insinuate that I am one of those people, and just seek to toss my opinion out there. Goncharov is, by all means, a perfectly fine film to watch and enjoy, however you choose to, even. It's just that all this talk of it seems quite elitist in nature, which completely goes against both the average gist one would receive by watching it, and the circumstances from which this piece of cinema not only derives its meaning, but also reflects upon in such a manner I don't think I've ever seen before.

Squiddles, on the other hand, or other tentacle I should say, is a kids show plain and simple. That is indisputable, and yet not a detractment on any level. Before I sing high praises to a revolutionary children's cartoon from the fucking EIGHTIES, I just wish to preface this with the truth: I'm an avid Squiddles fan. I love it, plain and simple, and thus I clearly cannot be impartial, yet I must try nonetheless. For a children's cartoon, of the same stock as G.I. Joe or Transformers in that it's a thinly veiled attempt at toy marketing to children, it does so in such a manner that it has meaning behind its words. It has morals beyond guns are cool, or mommy please buy me optimus prime. We wouldn't see another show with the brass balls to be so open and accepting of minorities until the mid-10s with Steven Universe, and look at the shit that gets flung at that show. In comparison, Squiddles almost blatantly instructs children, the primary intended audience, to be open with their feelings, to talk things out rather than to bottle everything in until it explodes, and to accept people for who they are and not shun them because they're different from you. It does this brazen defiance of the conservative norms of the era so openly that I'm shocked it didn't have a cult following in underground LGBT circles back then, much less in today's era of acceptance in spite of the few detractors given public eye, and thats a fucking shame. It's clear that Squiddles is an underappreciated show, complete with three whole seasons, meaning enough people saw it for the ratings committee to actually green light it further than if some old coots knew what it was peddling, and yet it was completely submerged under the public consciousness for so long that people doubt it was real. Sure, it got a bit of a public revival in the latter half of 2009 into 2010, but it was quickly dropped again until now. And even then, Squiddles is just an accessory to the Goncharov craze, when it should be thought of as its own piece of media.

I do not intend to downplay whatever significance Goncharov may have in your mind and in your heart, for I am not you and you are not me. And yet, I find myself appaled that people aren't willing to give small-time media a shot just because it isn't hip or trendy, or even because it is nuanced beyond its time. Goncharov is new and exciting, yes, but it is also problematic, from the main character to the setting itself, and, though this may just be my inner Scorsese-hater speaking, it's sorta flat, in a sense. I don't claim to make sense of it, and I struggle to grasp the inner workings of its plot. Maybe I'm just a simple man in a complex world, entertained by octopus-like beings getting tangled together, but we should strive to accept, if not appreciate, animated media for the innovative medium it is.

If anyone has a rip of Goncharov in HD, please tell me, because god do I wish I didn't have to view it in 240p my first time around.

Shocking to me that there’s such a fandom for Goncharov here on this website, full of people who found the moral nuance of Squiddles to be unmanageable.

[olivieraa]

I've such conflicting (but mostly) negative opinions about dubbed anime. If so much of it wasn't just "strong American accents trying so hard not to sound like they're reading from a script but they clearly are" then it'd be great.

I'm not an elitist, about anything really (not that I can think of, but maybe there's something idk I'm tired), but I will always pick sub over dub. Am I able to properly analyse subbed anime and the voice work done on it? No. That'd be ignorant. The way a character says "nande? nande da yo!?" in Japanese vs a character saying "what? what?!" in American English is obviously going to sound different. And I can't find flaws when I hear Japanese voices. But maybe people who speak Japanese can. Because if I'm listening to that "what?" in English and it sounds forced, scripted, not passionate enough, bland, too angry, etc then I'll know its bad. Cause its my first language. And maybe Japanese people can tell when voice acting is bad in Japanese. Idk. Sometimes I've been able to. I can tell when a Japanese VA does not want to be there but wants a paycheck.

But for the most part, I'm pretty much sold on Japanese voice work. They're passionate about their job. It FEELS like they're there to try their best. And after having only watched subs since, idk, 2010? I'll be quite harsh on dubs. But here's the thing. I'm biased. Any dubs I seen pre-2010 I vouch for being good. Why? Because I originally watched them dubbed. Inuyasha and Death Note being the main ones. And due to that, I constantly re-watch them dubbed. Its actually hard for me to connect them to their Japanese VA's. Now, to give Inuyasha some credit, when you watch the first good few eps, they're not... the greatest. Just some voices trying to match their mouths to the characters and it sounds so off. But then... then they get the hang of it. And they get better at it.

Death Note I believe is the overall best dub.

YGO... ok. How do I even talk about YGO...

Removing Kaiba bc people have literally said no other dub voice could ever replace his and be able to portray that asshole more perfectly, I think the YGO dub is decent. I don't fault anyone for saying its bad. I think the overall consensus is that its a good dub with terrible (but classic) dialogue. If they'd had the same script as the Japanese version, it'd be brilliant.

People can argue about Joey's accent, Bakura's accent, and say "why give them those accents tho", but Joey speaking in that accent is better than literally 99% of Americans giving generic American voices to characters to the point that they all sound the same. PLUS, Wayne Grayson portrays Joey's emotions brilliantly. And its a personal thing to me, but I like Bakura being British. If others dont, that's fine. I know he can sorta come across as Stereotypical British Villain as Deadpool calls it, but I think he's sassy and I like it. Some voices are a NO. The actor that portrays Noah is the most famous actor (not even VA, he's in movies and shit), but his voice is awful. Same for Marik, and Yami Marik, and Weevil. But then Pegasus comes in perfectly. And Anzu doesn't sound forced. And then some are just ok, like Tristan and Ishizu. Dan Green is debatable.

Like I said, I can only vouch for two good dubs. Maybe if I'd seen Kuroshitsuji dubbed I wouldn't think its so terrible and gave it more of a chance than one episode. But I don't know...

Because as of now, I've seen 10 Attack on Titan dub episodes and fuck me......... they sound like Power Rangers every time they talk. In the Japanese, I feel... inspired? In the dub I'm like "could they have not said this line as a normal human being would???????"

[transskywardsword]

i remember your complete adoration for character playlists and love encouraging ur hf so QUICK THINK FAST DAMIAN PLAYLIST

JOKES ON YOU I ALREADY HAVE ONE MADE. it's much longer than this but these are some of the ones on there

the main character -- will wood

So, God forbid I'm seen just as an average human being I mean, imagine if antagonists lacked any evil scheme I'm the gap between a tragedy and comedy Don't come at me I'm the main character, and you have to like me

i see this as recently coming to gotham damian, who is facing a lot of mistrust or downright hatred that, after being raised the way he was, is deeply different than what he thought meeting his father would look like. he's used to being treated a very specific way and had a LOT of very specific misunderstandings about bruce's character, and finding himself alone while feeling these things is,,, rough

brutal -- olivia rodriga

I'm so insecure, I think That I'll die before I drink And I'm so caught up in the news Of who likes me and who hates you And I'm so tired that I might Quit my job, start a new life And they'd all be so disappointed 'Cause, who am I, if not exploited?

and also

All I did was try my best This the kind of thanks I get? Unrelentlessly upset (ah, ah, ah) They say these are the golden years But I wish I could disappear Ego crush is so severe God, it's brutal out here

this is a more adjusted but still new to gotham damian-- he knows how he's viewed, what he is, who he is, and while he's been raised to accept it, now that he's on his own, without any ally, well. it's starting to get under his skin

teenagers -- my chemical romance

do i need to explain this one. do I. do I really need to

rat -- penelope scott

i wont post the whole song but like. every lyric in it works. so you get a lot of em.

I come from scientists and atheists and white men who kill God They make technology high quality complex physiological Experiments and sacrilege in the name of public good They taught me everything, just like a daddy should

I studied code because I wanted to do something great like you And the real tragedy is half of it was true

'Cause we're so fucking mean, we're so elitist, we're as fucked as any church And this bullshit west coast dogma has a higher fucking net worth I bit the apple 'cause I loved you, and why would you lie? And then I realized, you're just as naive as I am Oh, you're so traumatized, it makes me wanna cry

Well, I don't wanna eat the rich, I'd have to eat my heroes first And my tuition's paid by blood, I might deserve your fate or worse

i can see this song applying to any of the robins and their relationship with bruce, but damian def fits the most out of all of them

oh no! - MARINA

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy One track mind, one track heart If I fail, I'll fall apart Maybe it is all a test 'Cause, I feel like I'm the worst So I always act like I'm the best

just because damian is self aware of his trauma-- which I very much believe he is-- and how it affects him down to his very blood and breath, he can't undo what has been done to him.

seventeen - MARINA

Oh, you were embarrassed of me 'Cause I used my tongue freely Bet you wish I couldn't speak 'Cause when I do, you know I tell you why you appear weak

and

You teach me how to behave I felt you question the way I was brought up as a baby Well, you don't know fuck about my family

damian is very aware of how his family-- both talia and bruce-- are viewed, and how it reflects on him, and on his own behaviors. well, in his view, tough shit. he is who he is

little big boy -- madds buckley

Brimstone fire and eyes aglow Little big boy's making the whole world know his name Raised on pillars and shining lights, Breathing smoke for the right to keep his place Never satisfied 'till they all see How big this little boy can be Well the water's rising Tide's comin' in Does little big boy know how to swim? In a pond filled with fish bigger than him Oh little big boy's gonna see how little he really is

it's all fun and games until you're robin-- can league training really prepare you for the horrors of gotham?

interlude: i'm not angry anymore -- paramore

'm not angry anymore Well, sometimes I am I don't think badly of you Well, sometimes I do It depends on the day The extent of all my worthless rage I'm not angry anymore

damian is adjusting to his new family and new city and hey, even some new friends! but trauma doesn't go away overnight

lullaby - shayer james & kate douglas

Mother, all my life you taught me People can't be trusted And we have to fight to stay alive We'll always be the enemy Oh, eye for eye and limb for limb The blood that I've been swimming in Oh, mother, I've grown tired of this Mother, I've grown tired of this There's beauty and there's empathy Some people might've cared for me I hid my heart and stayed inside Instead of moving with the tide Oh, mother, I've grown tired of this

how do you rationalize loving your mother while also being aware of how she's hurt you, how she's forged you into a weapon? how do you live with that?

this is home -- cavetown

Get a load of this monster He doesn't know how to communicate His mind is in a different place Will everybody please give him a little bit of space? Get a load of this trainwreck His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet But little do we know the stars Welcome him with open arms Oh time is slowly tracing his face But strangely he feels at home in this place

damian is viewed as a monster and a danger, sometimes even by his own fellow heroes, but at the end of the day, he'll have people who love him for who he is, not despite who he is

[paracawsal]

30 Days of Them: Day 28

Imagine that time rewinds and you find yourself a disciple of their ancient following. How do you start and end your day at Their temple?

I don't know. Since I work from home, I'm able to have my altar going pretty much all day. I do a lot of devotional stuff that I never talk about online. Maybe I will one day. Anyway.

And this isn't really part of the answer but: I feel like I'm not-quite-a-reconstructionist but also not new age and not really into (gods i'm going to sound like an elitist edgelord but just... try to see what i'm saying lol) commercial/mainstream witchcraft anymore, and I feel like people just did with what they had back in the day. And its like, what if it were switched? what if the ancient person came to our time and was able to understand everything? would they still do things the way they did it or adapt to what we have now? ehhhhh i dont know where I'm going with this but I've been kinda chewing on this in my brain recently. I think some of the meaning gets lost in trying to do things in a way that we perceive is correct and may not even be the case

(i'm going to bed, holy shit this is a ramble, goodnight lol)

[asexualannoyance]

"Actually, all parents love their kids. They will treat their kids in the way they think is best. It's just that maybe kids don't like those methods." + "communicate with your parents"

i like mama xu but this wisdom+advice - especially in ye guang's situation - is just complete and utter bullshit, i'm sorry, but what the hell, his parents just basically berate and verbally kinda abuse him, lmao, why are any of these people incapable to just say, "yes, your parents suck, i'm sorry."

like, i get what she's trying to say and to a certain degree i agree, and yes i know she doesn't have that much information AND she is a parent herself, lmao, but like, eugh, i hate this shit because sometimes parents just suck and are asshole and there's not much you (especially as the child) can really do - like, i approve of communication but it doesn't work if the other party won't listen (which i highly doubt his parents would do, lmao)

addendum: "We've always cared a lot about you," she (ye guang's mother) says right after his father hit him AND they were classist, elitist pricks; also, the whole scene? fucking atrocious, he should kill his parents and let this turn into a different kind of drama, lol

2nd addendum: they will not make me sympathetic to the parents in the last episode because of that video ye guang sent them and them going "yeah, maybe we SHOULDN'T treat our son like an investment and push him so much, hmmm", lmao, like, not happening, that realisation comes like way too late