#maybe I'd be coping better

[angeltism]

I don't even know what to think. I'm trying so fucking desperately to convince myself that I mattered, and yet, what happened didn't. I swear to god it's like I'm on my knees crying begging for another fucking chance to talk, to explain, when I realistically know nothing was going to change. I don't know what I want all I know is this fucking sucks. I want to convince myself I meant nothing, it's so easy to be angry that way and put the blame onto a single thing. It'd be so easy to just say I was never loved, never cared about anyways, and that's why it didn't work. That's why I had to hurt so much. But that's an accusation that would have no facts behind it. All the facts point to "you tried, you both did, nothing you can do" but that. That hurts. Plus, if I did mean something, why did most of my unhappiness have to happen anyways? If I mattered then it should have been enough, right? Then 50% of the pain I had would have not even existed, right? If I just. Mattered enough. But I don't. I never have. But then again, isn't it heartless to make such accusations? Just claiming that despite all the trying that was obviously done, it wasn't enough to make me feel loved? Then that kinda reverses this, so I'm no longer the person who "wasn't enough", and that isn't what I want to convey. I don't want others to feel that way. Ugh. Random words, provided by yours truly while I am shaking and trying not to cry because life is so fucking confusing. Yay!

I guess part of me just wants to know that it wasn't one-sided ?

[lord-squiggletits]

I think the reason that MTMTE remains the most defining, influential, and loved series in the IDW1 run is fundamentally because, despite its many flaws, MTMTE has the power to make you think and wonder about the world beyond what's shown on the page. The character relationships are so strongly developed that it's easy to care about the characters and easy to imagine further adventures they could go on. While the myriad dropped plotlines, underwritten/underutilized characters, and worldbuilding with weird implications are all fucking maddening at times... even if it makes you mad, MTMTE makes you mad because you care and it makes you want to immerse yourself into a world that feels like it's real beyond what's explicitly shown to you on the page. It's a sandbox of a story where there's so much fertile ground for pretty much anyone with any preferred character archetype, storyline, etc to dig in.

It's just... immersive. That's the best way I can put it. It feels like it could be real and it makes you want to spend more time in it than the constraints JRO had. It makes you want to know more about it and come up with theories on how/why things function or happen the way they do. That's why it's loved and that's why it's the best series in IDW1.

[iamthemaestro]

I need to stop romanticizing careers I am not mentally stable enough to maintain

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

..

[dracimexidae]

So yeah since Jasmine and Sara are out of the Finals 😢, I'm left with the BJK Cup and then i'm basically on vacation myself from tennis (as for the more engaged and "stressful" part of watching matches😝- honestly it's "exhausting" being a fan a pause is definitely needed phew 😮‍💨🤣)

[desperatepleasures]

since I don't sell much through my Actual Website I'm thinking of switching to a cheaper platform and just like using pa*ypal invoices or something when someone wants to buy from me directly...idk I make almost 90% of my sales thru et*sy so even tho they are Evil I wanna keep my shop active there bc it's essentially free marketing vs me having to promote my website. and since I don't have the time or energy to get serious about my website anymore I think I need to find a solution where I'm not flushing money down the toilet

[snazum]

Working on a little (big) project, finally figured out the storyline I want to go with, that's all I'll say, it's called IYKYK. Literatly thats the project name, it might change but it's quite what it means. but if you don't know? That's okay too! I'm hoping to tell a compelling story anyways. This is probably gonna take a couple years to do though XD

If you are interested this is the playlist I'll be working with. Yes I'm planning on making video visuals for this project (I'd say animating but I'm gonna be using a bunch of different techniques, also animating is hard af and takes a long time and I'm not exactly an animator.) Also you get to learn a little bit of my music taste now XD

[nutelloona]

some nights I really wish my front door wasn't so fucking loud to open/close bc as much as I feel trapped and suffocated in my room on night like these, - and in my house in general, tiny apartments and all that crap that capitalism keeps blessing us with - dealing with questions or concern from my siblings is one of the most unbearable consequences I can picture

[prettycottagequeer]

ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)

SO these I should start on asap:

50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make

100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week

150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)

200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)

these can wait longer:

300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect

500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)

1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks

2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.

Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese

here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)

How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks

I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.

that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.

the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.

On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started

[iwanthermidnightz]

When I think back on the Speak Now album, I get a lump in my throat. I have a feeling it will always be that way, because this period of time was so vibrantly aglow with the last light of the setting sun of my childhood. I made this album, completely self-written, between the ages of 18 and 20. I've spoken about how I feel like those ages are the most emotionally turbulent ones in a persons life. Maybe when I say that, I'm really just talking about myself.

I think they might just be the most idealistic, hopeful years too. At this point in my life, I had released my second album, Fearless. It became the breakthrough moment I'd always dreamt of, one that catapulted my career to new realms of success. It had brought with it a tidal wave of pressures and pitfalls and growing pains. All the while, I was encountering the milestones and checkpoints of normal teenage growth. I had cataclysmic crushes and brushes with heartache. I moved out of my parents' house and set my bags down in a new apartment. I hung photos on my own walls and decorated the space where I would sob and cackle and shatter and dream. Sometimes I felt like a grown up, but a lot of the time I just wanted to time travel back to my childhood bed, where my mom would read stories to me until I fell asleep.

In my darker moments, I was tormented by the doubt that swirled loudly around my ascent and my merits as an artist. I was trying to create a follow up to the most awarded country album in history, while staring directly into the face of intense criticism. I had been widely and publicly slammed for my singing voice and was first encountering the infuriating question that is unfortunately still lobbed at me to this day: does she really write her songs? Spoiler alert: I really, really do.

In the years since, I've developed a thicker skin about public criticism and the cynicism with which some people approach the music I make. At that time, it leveled me. I had these voices in my head telling me that I had the perfect chance and I blew it. I hadn’t been good enough. I had given it all I had and been found wanting.

I wanted to get better, to challenge myself, and to build on my skills as a writer, an artist, and a performer. I didn't want to just be handed respect and acceptance in my field. I wanted to earn it. To try and confront these demons, I underwent extensive vocal training and made a decision that would completely define this album: I decided I would write it entirely on my own. I figured, they couldn't give all the credit to my cowriters if there weren't any. But that posed a new challenge: It really had to be good. If it wasn't, I would be proving my critics right.

I had no idea how much this pain would shape me. That this was the beginning of my series of creative choices made by reacting to setbacks with defiance. That my stubbornness in the face of doubters and dissenters would become my coping mechanism through my entire career from that point forward. This exact pattern of enacting my own form of rebellion when I feel broken is exactly why you're reading these very words, and I'm re-releasing this album now.

I went through my first worldwide scandal (the mic grab seen around the world). I experienced the weirdness of trying to get to know a boy while a swarm of paparazzi surrounds the car. Media contacting my publicist for an official statement on why two teenagers broke up. These are weird experiences to have at any age, but even more surreal when you're 19.

I had the nagging sense that in the most intense moments of my life, I had frozen. I had said nothing publicly. I still don't know if it was out of instinct, not wanting to seem impolite, or just overwhelming fear. But I made sure to say it all in these songs. I decided to call the album Speak Now. It was a play on the speak now or forever hold your peace' moment in weddings, but for me it symbolized a chance to respond to the chatter and commentary around my own life.

Some of these emotional revelations were surprising to people. Some expected anger and instead got compassion and empathy with 'Innocent'. Some expected a kiss-off breakup song but instead got a hand-on-heart apology, 'Back to December. It was an album that was the most precious to me because of its vast extremes. It was unfiltered and potent. In my mind, the saddest song I've ever written is 'Last Kiss'. My most scathing is 'Dear John' and my most wistfully romantic is 'Enchanted'.

I'll be forever proud of setting a goal and seeing it through. I'lI always feel shivers all over when I remember singing 'Long Live' to close the show every night on tour. The outstretched hands of those bright and beautiful faces of the fans. Their support was like an open palm that reached out and helped me up off the ground when others were, frankly, mean.

These days I make my choices for those people, the ones who thought I had been good enough all along. I try to speak my mind when I feel strongly, in the moment I feel it. I'm still idealistic and earnest about the music I make, but I'm less crushed when people mock me for it. I know now that one of the bravest things a person can do is create something with unblinking sincerity, to put it all on the line. I still sometimes wish I was a little kid again in a tiny bed, before I ever grew up.

I always looked at this album as my album, and the lump in my throat expands to a quivering voice as I say this. Thanks to you, dear reader, it finally will be.

I consider this music to be, along with your faith in me, the best thing that's ever been mine.

Yours,

Taylor

[preciouslittle-bhaalbabe]

I might get some hate for this but I think people give the rite of profane ascension a little too much credit. All it did was amplify that which was already there. All the possessiveness, the theatric demeanor, the strange coping mechanisms, that's all Astarion. He had those traits already. The rite didn't have a personality baked in that possessed Astarion once it was completed. If you had finished the rite instead, it would act differently.

Astarion, after getting unfathomable power is going to do the one thing he knows he can. Be the biggest prick on the sword coast lol. He thinks himself untouchable now so he's going to rub it in the face of anyone in the vicinity.

Something else I find really interesting. When not romancing Astarion it is MUCH easier to talk him down from going through with it. Alot of his desire to complete the ritual comes from fear of losing the one person he cares for. So the ritual corrupts that too and turns it into possessiveness. It was already there. He's so afraid of losing you that he does the vampiric equivalent of a marriage and now you both have a mind link along with the one from the tadpole. (Lots of interesting stuff about vampiric spouses in DnD lore that explains alot of what happens and what Astarion views the relationship as) The vampiric spouses happiness becomes everything. He dotes on them.

"Ask me anything, and it will be yours".

But he also establishes a clear dom/sub type dynamic. I think because it's what he has known the most and is also maybe a liiiiiitle drunk off the power still. Which isn't everyone's cup of tea. So post ritual Astarion can quickly become very uncomfortable for people. But it's not necessarily "new" or Cazadors personality baked into the ritual. He has always had the potential to be like this. Even without killing over 7000 people. That's what makes his character analysis so fascinating. A!A and spawn Astarion are so detailed and well written and analysing them both just makes me realise how much work was put into these companions.

One more thing I'd like to mention. Aside from the occasional difference in wording or his greetings, most of his voice lines are exactly the same. It's still Astarion. And of course this is due to resource management but I also think it works as being intentional as well. He's still in there. He's just really lost in the power sauce at the moment.

Do I think ascended Astarion is the "better" ending? Objectively, no. From an RP standpoint, maybe! I think almost every companion has an arc where lust for power or blind devotion becomes their downfall. Even Durge! It's what makes them such compelling characters.

[animeomegas]

Hi! Could I request maybe the reunion between shikamaru and his alpha?? Like from the shikamaru breaking down bc his alpha is late from a mission and his teacher is dead Thanks!!

I think I've written something small about this before, but I'm happy to expand on it! Enjoy <3 ( I didn't realise I'd left this in my drafts, so here you guys go while my arms are sore still haha)

"Shikamaru, you need to sleep," you said gently, holding his face in your hands. Dark circles and stress bitten lips gazed back at you as he shook his head. He had looked worse when you first got home yesterday, but thankfully, after the first hour of cuddling and crying, it had been easy to get him to take a shower with you. Unfortunately, it was not proving as easy to get him to go to sleep.

"No," he muttered, voice hoarse from crying.

"You have to sleep at some point, sweetheart," you pointed out, smoothing your thumbs over his skin. He shook his head again. "Please? For me?" There was some hesitation this time, but he still shook his head in the negative.

It had been twelve hours since you'd returned, but Shikamaru was still firmly stressed and alert, coiled like a spring at every moment, despite your and his parents' best efforts in calming him down.

He was grieving, you understood that. And then a mission had taken you away from him when he needed you the most, you understood that too. You had the greatest patience for him, but he still needed to sleep (and you would also rather like to be able to use the toilet without holding his hand.)

"Shika..."

"Don't. Please, just don't. I'm fine."

He was clearly running on fumes, but you didn't know how to make him rest, other than just letting him push himself until he collapsed. You didn't even know why he was so resistant to sleep. Did he think you would be gone when he woke up even though you had promised to the contrary countless times?

You wracked your brain desperately, as Shikamaru moved his face until it was buried in your collar bones. You idly stroked his hair, allowing your fingers to glide through the soft strands. You needed to soothe him to sleep somehow.

You focused for a moment on the sound of his mother pottering away in the kitchen. You relied on her for advice on handling Shika's obsession instinct often, but she'd been unable to suggest anything helpful this time.

You started to hum, almost without thinking, as though it was an instinct to fill the silence without words. The melody started out as nothing more than a collection of random notes, but slowly, it morphed into one of your favourite love songs.

You sang softly, still stroking Shikamaru's hair in time to the music. Your voice was a little rusty from disuse, but you pushed through the minor discomfort.

A hot tear rolled onto your neck from where Shikamaru had his face pressed. You didn't bring attention to it, you just kept singing through the ticklish sensation.

You sang that song twice before you picked a new one.

And then another.

And another.

Eventually the tears stopped flowing and Shikamaru's breaths evened out. The weight of his head increased and his limbs went completely limp as he finally succumbed to sleep.

You sang that first love song one more time, just to be sure he was truly asleep, before you joined him in unconsciousness.

There was a long way to go, to process his grief properly, to reassure him that you weren't going to leave, maybe some more desensitisation training to help him cope, but everything would feel just a little bit better once he'd had some sleep.

[fernandamaya]

Scarring Passion 10.03.2024

Kaveh was an immediate favorite of mine when we learned about him in the game. It dawned on me pretty fast afterwards that the favoritism was stemming partly from feeling reflected in him, which is sweet and emotional but also a tough realization. Kaveh is an idealist and too empathetic for his own good, a creative soul and big heart whose life experiences have irredeemably affected his mental health. Will Stetson's Writing on the wall is an amazing approach to Kaveh's character, the song was on a loop multiple times while I drew this piece. It's hard to put into words just how much this character's existence means to me, since, despite of the blows life's thrown at him, he still continues to be his own form of soft. I feel like he makes me realize that I, too, have remained my own form of soft, but that the inherent guilt of not being the soft I think I should be has made it difficult to show up for myself sometimes and it derives into unhealthy coping mechanisms (although I'm not an alcoholic but gaming and oversleeping are their own form of worrisome escapism lmao). He reminds me of the passion for the craft and the world itself overpowerng the instinct of preserving oneself. Kaveh lacks boundaries because he doesn't respect himself over the benefit of others, and at least, thankfully, I've started to learn that lol. I think the character personality design team did a wondeful work with him. There's a lot of nuance in genshin characters, hoyoverse in general for that matter, and I truly appreciate that we get to enjoy these fictional character's lives and find the light they so beautifully keep in themselves, maybe to be able to find it in ourselves as well.

Ah man, too many things I'd say as well but I'd express myself better in Spanish and even then it would be a bunch of rambling because mind goes faster than hands lol

I really loved doing this artpiece. I've wanted to draw Kaveh for months and started two other drawings before this that I didnt really like and scrapped. I hope I draw him again in the furute 💖

[mameillieureennemie]

hiii! i read your fic about reader x vi where the reader passes and omg it broke my heart so…for the sake of my sanity! can we have a pt 2 where it expands on the days afterwards and how vi grieves ! alsooo if you could maybe a time skip where vi either moves on (that girl would NEVER) or she stays single until she herself eventually passes :(( anyway thank u sm!

hello! first off, thank you for reading my fic, and i'm sorry to have broken your heart 🥺 i just had that idea rolling around in my head, and i couldn't help myself. ;-; but i'd be more than happy to do a pt 2 where we look into how vi copes (she Does Not Cope).

tw//mention of character death (reader), vi x f!reader

part 1

--------

Life instantly becomes meaningless after you die. It's as if the world is void of colour, leaving everything in shades of grey.

It's horribly depressing, but it makes sense. You were what gave her world meaning, you were what give her world beauty and now...you weren't there anymore.

So what was the point of anything?

She slips into drinking again, heavy liquors that numb the pain and made the grey world go away. She's angry, she's fury as she punches anyone who dares look at her for even a second too long. She's tired, exhausted and all she wants to do is sleep. But sleep isn't kind, it eludes her and when she's able to catch it, all she sees behind her eyes is you.

You laughing.

You smiling.

You holding her close and telling her everything is going to be alright.

You.

"You can't continue on like this," Caitlyn says, having appeared at Vi's door five minutes ago. She's a concerned friend, her brow furrowed with worry. "You...this isn't what she would want." She struggles for a second to find the right words. "She'd want you to heal and find some sort of peace and—"

"You think I don't know that, Cait?" Vi interrupts and she sounds exhausted. Her voice is hoarse, dry from thirst and sucking in too deep breaths when she cries. "You don't think I know she wouldn't want this for me?" She gestures around herself, at the mess of her small apartment and the mess that is herself. "I...try so hard to even get up in the morning but it feels so fucking pointless because she isn't here when I open my eyes."

Something akin to pity flickers through Caitlyn's eyes as she watches Vi slump down onto her bed, her head in her hands.

"I loved her for so long," Vi murmurs. "Since I was thirteen and didn't even know what love was." She lifts her head to stare at the ceiling. "And when I finally gathered up the courage to confess to her at sixteen, I was so happy when she returned my feelings." A weak smile curves her lips as she lowers her head, looking right at Caitlyn. "We had plans. We talked about how we were going to leave this place and explore the world. See what we could bring back to Zaun to make it better. We were going to take Powder so she could finally fly on one to those airships and..." Vi trails off, going quiet.

Caitlyn finds herself at a loss for words, unable to compile what she feels for Vi into speech. She knows how grief feels. She's more than aware of how it crushes and consumes you. When her mother died, she didn't know what she was going to do. How she was going to cope when someone so important to her was gone.

She can relate to Vi to some extent but to lose someone you loved with your entire heart, soul and mind...

Caitlyn very slowly makes her way over to Vi and sits beside her. Then she places a careful hand on her shoulder and says, "I'll never be able to fully grasp how you're feeling, and I won't pretend to even try. But...think of her and ask yourself if this is how she'd want you to waste your days."

Vi thinks about it, lets Caitlyn's words dance around in her head before you appear in her mind's eye.

"I'd be real pissed if you just laying about doing nothing," you say, frowning with your arms crossed. "I mean, I'm glad you love me enough to wallow so hard but fuck, Vi."

Vi laughs wetly, tears already forming in her eyes as she stares at you, wistful.

"Shut up," she mumbles before her chest is shuddering with heavy breaths, a thick sob leaving her throat. "I just...I just miss you so much. You weren't, fuck, you weren't supposed to leave."

Your frown turns into a sad smile, and you look away, as if trying to hide your own tears.

"I know, honey, I know," you reply, words thick on your tongue. "And I'm so sorry for leaving you, you know that, right?"

Vi nods, wiping away still falling tears.

"But I don't want you to live this way, sweetheart," you tell her. "Fighting every day and getting shitfaced. I thought we were past this after your pitfigher phase."

That pulls a genuine laugh from Vi, with a snort and all, as she cackles. That has you laughing too, your grin wide and toothy, and God, you're so beautiful.

Even in death.

"I'm losing my mind, aren't I?" Vi says as she looks up at you, and you move your head to the left and right before shrugging.

"Maybe a little bit, but that's fine," you reply before leaning in close, and Vi sighs desperately as your foreheads touch. "But you've never been truly sane."

Vi reaches for you and swears she can feel the warmth of your skin beneath her fingertips.

"I love you," Vi rasps, eyes closed tight as she holds you close.

"I love you too," you mumur, and Vi feels your hands smooth over her cheeks. "So do me a favour and try and be happy, okay? Go outside and do something that isn't reckless drinking and violence. And take a damn shower, you're gross."

Vi snorts, smiling. "No promises."

"Idiot." Your voice is loving and fond as it slowly disappears in an echo.

"...Vi?" Caitlyn's voice replaces yours and it's here that Vi smiles, albeit sad but a little bit happier.

"Yeah, this isn't how she'd want me to waste my days," Vi replies before slapping her knees and standing up from the bed. "I'm gonna take a shower and...maybe we can do something?"

Caitlyn stares at her for a second before smiling.

"Yeah, of course we can."

That's my girl, Vi hears in your voice as she goes to the bathroom, and that gives her the extra push she needs.

[walkingstackofbooks]

A 9-year-old Julian Bashir who has had nightmares about evil doctors in an alien hospital for as long as he can remember. He doesn't tell his parents though because "he's a big boy now" and nightmares are for little kids, so he knows he should deal with them alone. And even if he'd like a hug sometimes, his mum only gives him hugs for doing well, not for doing badly, so he figures there's no point bothering her

A 15-year-old Julian Bashir who realises that the nightmares he used to have were based on the apparently very real alien hospital his parents had taken him to as a kid, and spends hours trying to figure out what were real memories and what his mind had made up over the years as he slept. The nightmares come back with an intensity, but they're nothing compared with how he's feeling when he's awake, and pretty soon they become a normal background noise of his life.

A 19-year-old Julian Bashir who's finally been moved into a solitary room after his third roommate in as many weeks complained about the almost-nightly screams. His advisor asks if he wants to speak to anyone: he claims they're just night terrors and he doesn't actually remember them. Besides, even if he could talk about what was in them, he probably wouldn't, because he's fine - he's used to them by now.

A 24-year-old Julian Bashir who gets woken from his nightmares by warm hands and gentle kisses, and learns what is like to be soothed back to sleep by the soft voice of Palis Delon

A 32-year-old Julian Bashir who has a different nightmare every night. The last year's been difficult. But then, it's been difficult for everyone, and he knows he's far from the only one to be suffering from nightmares at the moment.

A 34-year-old Julian Bashir who can't stop dreaming about the torture he went through four weeks ago, who's missing Ezri and who Miles is increasingly concerned about. When the O'Briens offer him their spare room for a while, he warns them multiple times about his nightmares, and is pathetically grateful when that doesn't change their minds. "We have nightmares too, Julian," says Keiko. "We can cope with yours."

A 34-year-old Julian Bashir who is confused when, three days later, Miles remarks, "You are having a bad run of those nightmares, aren't you?"

"They've been better than usual, actually," he replies awkwardly. "It's been really nice being able to go back to sleep afterwards, for once -- you and Keiko have been so generous in coming and checking on me."

"Course we're gonna come and check on you," says Miles gruffly. "You woke up terrified. We're not letting you do that alone."

"I'd be fine, Miles," Julian reassures. "I'm hardly going to expect one of you to come in every night."

Miles pauses. "...How long are you expecting to have them 'every night' for?" he asks, with some concern. "I mean, after a thing like this, how long does it usually take them to settle down?"

Julian stares at Miles. "I... have nightmares, Miles," he replies, frowning. "Just like you. Nightmares happen every night."

"No, they don't," says Miles, equally confused. "Don't get me wrong, they can do: after something big then sure, they're like that for a few weeks - a couple of months, even. But eventually they fall down to once, twice a week..."

Julian is looking at Miles incredulously. "That might be how it works for you," he says. "I guess my brain's different to yours. Mine don't stop, they just... mix. Change. Get confused with one another, eventually. I've had more dreams about being genetically modified by Sloan in the Dominion camp than I care to remember, you know?"

Miles' concern has turned into abject dismay. "You're saying you've had nightmares every single night since the Dominion took you?" he exclaims.

"Well, maybe not every single night!" retorts Julian, a little unsure what Miles is getting so het up about. "I do have some days when I don't... But yeah, pretty much. I've had nightmares most nights since I was fifteen, it's just how my brain processes stuff."

"Fifteen?"

...

A 34-year-old Julian who finds out that having nightmares every night for two decades is, apparently, "not normal" and something he should be seeking help for.

If Ezri comes back alive, he supposes he might take it up with her.

[fraugwinska]

THIS JUST POPPED IN MY HEAD AND I NEEDED TO SHARE!!!! Alastor in a established relationship with reader who has hair like Rapunzel (maybe not EXACTLY but it definitely touches the floor) it’s always getting stepped on by busy feet or chewed on by a particular piggy to the point where she practically carrying it everywhere she goes. One day Al asks why wont she just cut it she tells him it signifies the days they were apart/days she waited for his return as human (I think his death was something she could never cope with :(( ) but now they are together again he cuts it for her and helps her let go of that pain! He anit going nowhere now. He promises. <333

Hello my lovely! I finally came around to write this - and I think it was good to wait to be in the right headspace. It's not a fullblown oneshot, but I think this SlutSnack (Or... FluffSnack?) will be just as good! No warnings this time - just wonderful, sweet fluff for y'all! (@minkdelovely I'm looking at you!)

Let down your Hair

"No, please, come on, Nuggie, that doesn't taste good, let go now, come on..."

You tried and tried, but Angel's pet pig wasn't budging, a thick strand of your hair in its mouth, jaw locked and squeal angry. You pulled on the hair, while Husk, having pity with you, held onto the ferocious piglet as you shouted for Angel once more.

"Oh darling, again?" A familiar cane with a microphone sitting on top of it bonked the piggy on its head, and in a shocked squeak it let you finally free. You tried not to feel too bad for the thing as you scrambled your masses of hair together in your arms and Alastor, your savior, tutted at the little pink ball in Husks hands, his eyes glowing dangerously.

"That's the third time this week. Maybe your owner should keep a better eye on you, or I might be in the mood for pork chops."

"Don't 'ya dare, Creepy McCreeperston!" Angel came running, pulling Fat Nuggets out of Husk’s grip and cradled it softly. The cat demon, relieved of being released from the burden of caring, returned quickly to the bar, determined to get out of whatever the hell kind of fight would certainly follow.

"Oh, I do dare if this thing keeps on guzzling her hair, you frivolous..."

"He's a baby, he doesn't know better 'ya cocky..."

"Stop it.", you said decidedly, getting nervous when Alastors antlers began to crack and grow. "It's okay, he didn't... chew it off, Alastor. But Angel, I'd really appreciate it if you would keep a closer eye on him, okay?"

Alastor took a deep breath, returning to his normal form with a sigh and joined your side, gathering the rest of your long hair with an annoyed frown.

Angel huffed, shrugging his shoulders. "Fine." He turned around, tickling the pigs belly as he took the stairs to his room and mumbled loudly "...Don't know why she has to have fucking hair like goddamn Rapunzel and make this shit my problem."

"Because," Alastor said loudly after him, his hair dangerously spiking and static crackling, "It should be her own decision whether to cut her hair or not, not this... pest’s eating habit, mhh?"

"Alastor...", you said softly, touched by his fierce protective gesture, "Would you come to my room and help me sort this mess out? I think I have some pretty nasty knots in there now." You put a hand on his arm, and his eyes snapped to you. He smirked, not really calming, and offered his arm, holding your masses of locks safely on the other one.

"Of course... anything for you, dear!"

The first twenty minutes were filled with nothing but Alastors soothing, soft jazz he loved to play when you were alone and the quiet scraping of your hairbrush, detangling your overly long locks. He slowly calmed down from his agitated state, not wanting to show it too obviously but fondly twirling your smoothed down hair through his fingers. You enjoyed these quiet times together with him - normally he'd talk a lot, that came with the job of being the radio demon, and you'd listen attentively, not having the heart to miss a single word that came out of his mouth.

But sometimes silence was even more lovely, because it showed you that he didn't feel the need to entertain, to pretend and to put on a show, but just... be. With you. And maybe he could sense that it made you happy. Or he knew exactly how relaxing these moments could be. Whatever the case, your mind started to wander, reveling in the soft tugs of the brush and the shivers running down your spine when his claws finally reached your scalp.

"Why don't you cut it?" Alastor asked quietly and you jolted from your musing, humming and turning your head slightly. "Hm?" Alastor scratched carefully behind your ears, waiting for the tension to disappear from your muscles before he continued brushing. "Why haven't you cut your hair yet? It must be quite a bother to maintain."

You turned your head and blinked at him. The dreaded question... you knew it had to come one day. If you were honest, you'd even suspected him to ask it sooner. The answer was easy... but you hesitated to let him know. Alastor loved details, craved them in fact - but it was sentimental, silly even, and you couldn't bear the thought of him thinking less of you. Now the time had come - he had asked you directly, and you resented lying to him even more than looking foolish to him.

"Do you remember the day at the fair? The one where you took me on that boat ride?"

Alastor hummed happily, braiding the front of your hair, his claws delicately folding section over section. "Yes, of course. What a fine evening that was! You looked gorgeous as ever, I think you wore the red summer dress I gifted you for your birthday that year. You normally wore your hair straight, but it was beautifully laid in those finger waves that were all the rage then - right until here." His hand trailed down to caress the nape of your neck, making you bite your tongue on a sigh, and continued. "And I promised to you then on that boat that I'd return to you in a heartbeat, wherever you may wait or roam, no matter what, because..."

"...a lifetime with you could never be enough to satisfy me." you ended the sentence for him, a sad smile on your face."And yet it was the last day I saw you alive."

He stopped suddenly, the feeling of his claws being gone and your back growing cold made you flinch and turn, wondering whether you had ruined everything. Alastors eyes looked stormy and you swallowed, your hands absent-mindedly stroking a strand of hair that fell over your shoulder. 

"I've kept my hair like this for every time I imagined your return ever since you died. To signify those days I spent longing for you, mourning after I've seen the papers and..." You closed your eyes, refusing to fall back into those dark memories. The screams the nightmares brought into your nights, fueled by the horrific stories the papers wrote about him. The hollow words of family and friends and people who were merely interested by the gossip of his life and death. The morbid curiosity and the grins and giggles at his unceremonial end while you cursed them all for tainting his image. The undying anger and hurt, your stubborn love for a man who died so young and left you to grow old alone. "...Every inch of it is a testament that I've never stopped loving you. And that I've never stopped believing in those words you said to me that day." You opened your eyes again, looking at Alastors stricken face.

"I know it's foolish..." you said gently, watching how the realization struck Alastors eyes and softened them. He visibly forced his expression to stay in the signature smile of his, but you could sense the emotion in his voice.

"Don't belittle it. Your sentiments for me have always been... most precious to me. Even now. Perhaps especially now." You shuddered when his fingertips trailed up your arms and brushed away the tick of your hair, his mouth reaching for the delicate skin of your neck. "Heaven truly lost a perfect angel the moment you fell into hell, darling."

The tears you shed were softly kissed away by him. After you both calmed down enough from the overtake of emotions, something that had become so foreign for the radio demon, he gently sat you back down in front of your vanity mirror.

"My love... as much as it honors both you and me... keeping the weight of those past memories locked in your hair isn't necessary anymore. You have me now, and I have no intention to leave, not unless you wish me to. Let me relieve you from the burden of carrying it."

Alastor cut your hair, strand by strand while you told him about the decades of life lived without him. It felt like a liberation, to finally tell him how painful the years had been and how empty and incomplete you had felt. When you ended with telling him how relieved you were that the body you spawned in your afterlife wasn't the frail and withered one you left behind, but one that resembled your happier days, young and in love and optimistic, he had cut the masses of hair to the same length you had on that fateful day at the fair. Your head felt light and you stroked the short strands, a surprised and disbelieving laugh bursting out of you when you saw that girl again in the mirror.

Alastor smiled with deep satisfaction, carefully putting the scissors away before he pulled you into a close embrace from behind, meeting your gaze in the mirror and pressing a chaste, possessive kiss to the top of your head."Who needs a mere lifetime, darling, when you can have eternity?"