#maybe I should start working on the actual blog now so I can use 20% of these

[impact-squirrel]

I made 696 RP icons of Makoto Nanaya... Kill me.

I have 696 of these, and I still have to go through Alter Memory

Source 1, Source 2, Source 3, Source 4

If ANYONE in the RPC is going to do what I have done, just... Use Source 2. Look for the file that says Section: Portraits. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, USE A SQUARE BORDER. DIAMOND CUTS OFF SO MUCH AND IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.

[creatingblackcharacters]

Hi Ice! This one is maybe a little on the outskirts of 'creating Black characters', but it is related to the introspective questions you posted a little while back, so I thought I'd ask for your opinion. I'm sure this isn't an one-easy-answer thing, so I'd love to hear from any other Black people reading this as well!

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm seven years and 300k+ words deep in a fanfiction about anthropomorphic animal characters, and your introspective questions made me face the fact that I've been the ignorant fandom racist. I wrote my main character as white. Now, 7 years later, I stumble over a post pointing out ... those are locs

I don't know if the authors intended for this character to be Black (nonblack voice actors, supplementary material also clearly doesn't draw him this way, though that stuff was all over the place re: consistency) and I frankly also am not sure if they Should have, given his role in the narrative, but a) that's not really up to me to speak on and b) he's got locs and mostly black fur and was inspired by Anubis. I've been whitewashing, there's no way around it.

I briefly considered going back and just straight up changing the story to make him Black, but I quickly realized that I have been writing him from a white-centered narrative and just slotting a Black character into that would arguably be Worse. Or at least racist in a brand new way. I can change how he takes care of his hair, but not the themes on which the entire narrative is built upon. I've been writing about a white man and I can't just pretend I haven't.

So my question to you is ... what now? How do I best acknowledge this? Do I just quietly come to terms with the fact that this story is racist and do better next time? I would like to acknowledge it in some way, I have a small but loyal audience and if I could use that platform to start a conversation (or just put out a 'hey, don't be like me') that would ... maybe at least be better than nothing? Possibly?

I know there's not a simple solution here that will Fix It, but I thought I'd ask an actual Black person who's open to educating what might be a good next move. Maybe avoid making another, new White Person Blunder. Here's to hoping.

I really appreciate all you do, your blog rocks and so do you.

Is that Shadow?

Okay, so I had to have a conversation with Hot Chocolate on this one because this one's a doozy! I appreciate that you're willing to stop and reflect though. Most people wouldn't be willing to do so this far in!

Admittedly, the fact that you're seven years into this means this will require a lot of effort. And, tbh, I might be confused bc I cannot tell what that character is 😅 So! After some thought, here's what we came up with:

Take a hiatus. Point blank period. Take a BREAK, do not pass go, do not collect $200! Idk what lore you've written, but you've written a lot of it. Take as long as you need to reread your works, and see if at any point you ever made it clear that this was a white person, or anything other than the Black character you now think they should be. If it feels undefined, where you can turn "hair" into "locs" or add in small details, then that could be your smooth way out. It doesn't have to be massive changes, but it could help. It'll take you time, for sure! But you dug seven years in, it's gone take you time to dig out. Maybe if you skim 15k words a week (or ctrl-F it for hair, for examples), that's... 20 weeks? Go at your own pace, faster or slower.

Unfortunately this happens a lot, where influences for characters will be taken from cultures of colors and improperly represented (the "African" god from Genshin). That's just a fact. So I don't necessarily blame you for the confusion, but... Now you know.

If possible, get a sensitivity reader! Preferably a Black one. Ngl, given the massive amount of work, you're likely going to have to pay them. Maybe give them half and you take half. Idk, but let another pair of eyes look at your work. Or maybe there's a Black reader that you could speak to and see how they feel about the potential change.

Should you choose to keep going, just try to be more purposeful and intentional about that character's Blackness. Definitely tell your readers what you figured out, why it's important to you, and then move forward from there.

Now, RECOGNIZE that many of them will NOT be pleased! That's kind of the thing about opening your eyes when it comes to racism in media! A lot of people will NOT be happy that you decided to be more intentional, especially if they've been imagining their favorite white guy for seven years. You're going to have to weigh your integrity and your will to create against that. People might leave, people that you thought were cool AF until it was time to show true colors. Be ready for that.

But that's just what I would do 🤷🏾‍♀️

[joels-shitty-puns]

The Key To Your Heart - Track 7

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Musician!Reader

Series Summary: After writing your feelings for Pedro into a song, it gains a lot more popularity than expected. Ultimately it brings both criticism and support, with new possibilities around the corner.

Series Warnings: 18+ only (MDNI). Fat shaming, name calling, kissing, angst. Mentions of food, weight loss, weight gain, dieting, weighing, potential eating disorder, food guilt. Potential for puns/dad jokes (name of my blog, and the fic) should give that away. This is my first fic which should be its own warning, lol. Also some cursing. Mentions of masturbation (f) maybe more smut later idk. Sadness, reader is pretty depressed. Poor body image. Rude people. Bullying-ish and just lack of support? Anxiety. Age gap! Reader is in her mid 20's, Pedro is current age (48).

Other stuff: Reader is plus sized. AFAB. Inexperienced. Also has a dog, but you can pretend it is another creature probably. Further, in case it isn't clear, italics almost always are the reader's inner thoughts!

Word Count: 6.6K!!!

Series List: Here!

Miss last chapter? Here!

Hi guys! I'm so sorry this took a little extra longer than usual. I've had a lot of ideas for this chapter for a long time and I struggled with putting it all on paper. I'm also on vacation 🤪 but I really wanted to get this one out there, especially before Halloween. Also I'm sorry if the spacing and stuff is crap, I did this from my phone/iPad while falling asleep at 3:30 AM. Hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading!

__________

You awoke with a start, your alarms blaring through the bedroom. Giving the snooze button a smack, you reach across your mattress, touching the sheets to find the other side of your bed empty.

It was still warm, but missing the actual body that you fell asleep cuddled next to. Blinking your eyes a few times, you called out into the bedroom. "Baby?"

You climbed out of bed, making your way down the hall to the living room, where you finally saw him on the couch. Sound asleep, eyes gently closed, a soft snore passed from his mouth. At the sound of your footsteps, he opened his eyes, giving a big stretch and wagging his tail.

"Good morning Skippy, my little sunshine! I missed your cuddles this morning. Why'd you move to the couch?"

He looked at you and yawned, his eyes closing once again. You giggled and headed for the shower to get ready for another day. Some of us have to actually work and get stuff done in this house!

_____

The day at work was busy, leaving little time to chat with Pedro. You couldn't help but smirk to yourself as your coworkers buzzed about your new album freshly released the day before. They still hadn't figured it out, but you decided you would continue to let it be your little secret a bit longer. They didn't need to know. Just you and Pedro could share this for now.

On your lunch break, you finally opened your phone to find a few text messages from him. "Good morning! I had fun video chatting with you last night. I'm so glad we listened to your album together, and it was nice to finally get to see you." His message made your heart skip.

Second text from Pedro: "Hey, I hope work is going well for you. I was thinking, maybe if you'd like, we could chat again later? If you don't want to video chat anymore, no pressure, but I enjoyed it and thought maybe if you wanted to, we could."

You replied. "Hey P! It's been a crazy day :) but a good one. Especially waking up happy after enjoying a lovely evening. I would really love to video chat with you again too."

Pedro breathed a sigh of relief at your answer. He couldn't help but feel nervous to ask you, despite having just video chatted last night, and he also didn't want to make you feel pressured; especially with someone as private as you are. But with your response, he smiled as he felt his stomach fill with butterflies at the thought of seeing you again.

_____

Later on, after work, the two of you were texting and deciding on the time to video chat again. However, before you called, Pedro texted you again. "Hey, I had a question for you, but I didn't want to ask it over the phone or video call and make you feel pressured. But, there's this Hollywood Halloween party coming up in a few days. I know you still want to keep your identity, but I thought if you'd like to, each guest is allowed to bring a date, and I thought you could mingle a little with some other musicians and actors. I can just tell people you're one of my friends from a set if you don't want to give your real name. You don't need to tell them anything you don't want out to the public. Plus I would love to spend some time together in person too, if you want to. I know it's a lot, so if you would rather not go, I understand. But I'd love to meet you."

The idea of going to a party filled with other celebrities, AND Pedro, had you filled with mixed emotions. Nervous. Excited. Terrified. Love-sick. Hesitant.

After a bit of thinking,you decided, and the answer seemed obvious from the start. The party sounded terrifying, and was completely unknown territory. But you also knew that if you didn't go, you'd surely kick yourself and regret this chance forever.

Finally you replied. "Okay! I'll go. I'd love to spend time with you, too, Pedro. Thank you for inviting me."

He replied again: "Really?! So, will boo be my date? 👻"

You: "That was a little too.. (candy) corny. I may have to ghost you. 🎃"

Pedro didn't miss a beat. "Okay, you're driving me batty. 🦇 Want to call and talk about our costumes?"

Oh shit, I forgot about costumes.

The two of you chatted, easily falling into the comfortable conversations you always do. Fitting together like two peas in a pod. Even though neither of you were dressed up fancy anymore, it didn't feel like you had to be someone else, or dress up. Things were comfortable. Easy.

Pedro suggested a matching costume, which made you want to scream and pace through your living room. Unfortunately, due to your camera situation, pacing and screaming would surely cause some alarm. After dancing around things like pirates, ketchup/mustard, and movie characters, you finally had an idea and suggested Cinderella and her prince.

"It just feels kinda fitting you know? Nobody knows who I am, but I go out for once, I meet this prince, and he lets me have this fun night. But then at the end of the night, everything goes back to normal, and I'm unknown again."

Until he eventually can't stay away and they both fall in love and live happily ever after… but that's neither here nor there. Totally not my intention.. pffft…

"That sounds like a wonderful idea. Should I send a carriage?" He joked with a wink, but you could tell he was a little bit serious. You couldn't help but feel like he would have reserved a carriage ride in a heartbeat had you said yes.

"Absolutely not. Way too big of a scene," you laughed. "In fact, I actually have work that day. Would it be possible for me to just meet you there after I get off work? I can just take an Uber across town. My work isn't too far from the party and I'm sure parking will be a mess."

Pedro agreed, although he felt bad you'd be taking a ride-share service alone and continued to offer a ride if you needed. He also felt a bit disappointed he wouldn't get to have any time alone with you beforehand, but he wasn't about to tell you that detail.

Either way, the two of you agreed on your plans, and as the days led up to the party, you grew more and more eager. You also felt more and more dread in the pit of your stomach.

But this will be good. It has to be. Right?

_____

The night of the party came quickly.

You got off work, took a quick shower, changed into your costume, did your hair, and added a little bit of makeup. The costume felt silly, but you kept telling yourself it was Halloween and everyone would be in costumes. Plus, you have a handsome prince waiting for you inside. As your mind and heart raced, the Uber driver pulled up to the curb, dropped you off, and you were met with a line to the entrance.

The line to the party was lengthy, filled mostly with eager fans, paparazzi, and journalists hoping to gain entry. Occasionally you'd see a celebrity pass by, but they were quickly ushered in once they were recognized.

You, however, were unknown by all. So you stood in line, surrounded by others who hoped desperately to meet their favorite celebrity. Not unlike yourself.

Having finally made it, you sent a quick text to Pedro. "Hey! I'm here :) sorry I'm late."

Your stomach twisted in knots. Sure, you were excited to meet Pedro. Especially with as much as the two of you have been talking over the past couple months now-

Geez, has it really been months?

But despite your connection, you still had that nagging self-conscious worry that he might not like you. Maybe he's just been talking with you to be nice, and the second you're together in person he won't give you the time of day. Maybe he will find you boring in real life. Maybe he will think you're ugly. Or weird. Or fat. Or -

"Next!" The bouncer at the door yelled after sending yet another hopeful fan away. Your stomach dropped and your mouth was dry.

"Hi, I-"

"NAME?" He barked, clearly done with this whole event.

"Well, actu-"

"Speak up princess, I can't hear ya when ya mumblin," the man said with a thick New York accent.

You cleared your throat. "Actually my name isn't on the list, I'm a guest of Pedro Pascal."

The man, towering over you, let out a bellowing laugh. "YEAH, I'm sure ya are, toots. You and every other woman in this joint."

"But I-"

"And trust me, I've turned away much prettier broads than the likes a' you at this doorway," he said while looking you up and down with an amused look as if he had just told the punchline at a comedy club.

Your heart sank. You always said things like that to yourself on the inside, but it wasn't often that people were that blunt to your face.

The man sneered while smacking his gum and arrogantly moving it to the other side of his mouth with his tongue. That gum. You wanted to punch him if you had to hear him smack it one more time.

"Back a' the line, kid. Y'ain't gettin' in here tonight, but I appreciate the self-confidence," he said, laughing at his own joke.

Disheartened, you didn't even care about meeting Pedro anymore. Your mood was dampened, your ego was hurt, and all you wanted to do was go home, get out of this stupid costume, and cry on your couch. With a short nod, you bit your lip to choke down the tears, turned, and headed towards the exit.

"Hey!!! There you are- wait where are you going?"

You'd recognize that voice anywhere. Pedro.

You turned around, swallowing down your emotions and putting on a fake smile, despite the wave of hurt and anxiety pooling in your stomach and chest. "Hey, Pedro! You found me."

Pedro smiled at the guard and snuck past, telling him "hey, she's with me." Fans in line squealed, which he greeted with a kind wave and charming smile. At last, he reached you and gestured for the two of you to head inside to the party. You gave a nod and a small, half-hearted smile.

You didn't want him to know how upset you were. Not only did you feel pathetic and slightly agree with the bouncer, but you also didn't want to ruin Pedro's night.

As the two of you entered the crowded party, you looked around at the decorations. Filled with purple and green lighting, the Halloween music blared and monsters danced the night away. A bowl of green punch sat on a table to the side, surrounded by bowls of candy and platters of snacks. An open bar was on the back wall, providing both normal booze, and Halloween themed drinks topped with gummy worms or syrup made to look like blood. To the right of the bar was a door to the large rooftop balcony which held tall, dark-green potted hedges, perfectly trimmed and shaped underneath rows of charming fairy lights. Beyond the shrubbery, the deck had several nice patio tables and chairs, a few people catching their breath outside or chatting, and a gorgeous view of the city below with the sparkling sky above.

Back inside and off to the right of the patio door, away from the dance floor, was a door which you assumed was the restroom, based on the long line of women.

"I'd like you to meet some people, if you feel up to it," Pedro yelled to be heard over the booming music from the dj.

"Okay!" You yelled back.

He led you over to a couple of people off to the side of the dance floor, one you recognized as his friend Sarah Paulson, who was dressed in a shimmery witch costume.

Pedro introduced the two of you. Sarah was very sweet, and while you talked music and acting, Pedro touched your shoulder and spoke into your ear to avoid yelling. "I'm going to grab a drink, can I get you anything?"

"I'll just take a soda, thanks!" Although some alcohol might help your nerves, you wanted to maintain a clear head and maybe not do or say something to Pedro that you might regret.

"You got it," he replied, turning on his heel towards the bar.

Once he had left, Sarah gave you a look.

"What?" you laughed.

"You know, he talks about you all the time. I know you already love some other guy based on that hit song of yours, but I gotta say I think he might be smitten with you."

"Oh please, no he isn't. We're just friends!" You smiled at the idea, but inside, you kept hearing the bouncer's words on repeat. There's no way Pedro could have feelings for you. Even if you wanted him to have those feelings more than anything, it couldn't be.

"Whatever you say," she said with a smirk.

A pause before she added "just… don't hurt him. I know you love someone else, but he's a good guy," she pleaded, letting her protective side show.

On his way back from the bar, Pedro ran into Oscar, whom he tagged up with and headed back to your small group. "This is my friend Oscar," said Pedro, introducing you to Oscar as his friend.

Friend. Remember that. Friend. That's all. All you'll ever be.

"Nice to meet you Oscar!" You gave him a cherry smile.

"Nice to finally meet the woman of the hour! Pedro here just won't shut up about you," he said with a smirk, looking at Pedro mischievously. Pedro blushed and looked into his drink cup, taking a sip while trying to hide himself.

"Yep! It's always 'she said this, she said that, can you believe she can do that? She's so smart, funny, sweet…' yada yada yada," he said, smirking again and taking a side glance at Pedro, who choked on his soda. "Shut. Up. Oscar." He quietly threatened through clenched teeth. But despite his quiet tone and a loud party, you heard him.

I mean, I say kind things about my friends that way sometimes. It's nice he's so appreciative of his friends. Because that's what I am. A friend.

Sarah chimes in. "That's what I was telling her! But she claims they're just friends," she air-quotes around the words 'just friends.'

Pedro's heart sank. He knew deep down that's all you were to him, but hearing it second-hand from you still hurt. Just friends… he thought.

"Yeah right," Oscar rolled his eyes, talking to Sarah as if the two of you weren't standing literally right next to them.

"Believe what you want Oscar, but it's true," Pedro answered with a shrug.

Now it was your turn to feel heartbroken. Just friends… you thought.

You cleared your throat, "anyway, I'm going to go get another soda. Can I get anyone anything?" They all answered no, and you headed for the bar.

Deep in your thoughts, you walked over to the bar when a woman slammed into you. She spilled her red, bloody Halloween cocktail drink all down the front of your costume. "Watch where you're going, fat bitch," said the woman, appropriately dressed in a devil costume, her skin-tight red dress barely covering her ass and breasts.

You sighed. At this point you decided to skip the refill and head toward the bathroom to clean up your now wet front. You looked back to see the devil herself headed right towards Pedro's direction. Typical, you thought with an eye roll. She wants him and is mad I was talking to him.

You turned away from that scene and reached the line to the bathroom. It was lengthy, but luckily it was moving fast. Once inside, you finally could let your emotions out a little bit. You wanted to put on a brave face for Pedro and not ruin his evening, but ever since the bouncer made his comments, you couldn't get them out of your head. And now with that woman spilling her drink on you, you had another reason to be upset. You felt undeserving to be here to begin with, and their comments really solidified the imposter syndrome.

Despite wanting so desperately to see Pedro in the flesh, you hadn't even been able to really make eye contact all evening. Your nerves about meeting him were still there, but now you were just upset about the whole night. Even though you wanted to look at him, really see him, you felt like you didn't deserve it; and your nerves warned you not to look or else he'd figure you out.

If he realizes I like him, it's game over. It'll be like that guy I liked before. He'll eventually say it's weird. Weird for me to have a crush on him, weird for me to touch him, weird for the two of us to talk about relationships or sex. It's 'weird' with you.

You really started to hate that word; weird.

Perhaps you were destined to be a single hermit forever. Or maybe just become a nun.

Cleaned up and having let enough tears out for a couple more hours, at least until you could go home and really cry, you walked out of the bathroom. Heading back toward Pedro, you saw a tall, thin, beautiful woman wearing a tight black dress with a slit down the thigh and skeleton makeup on her face.

The woman was standing close to Pedro when you saw her touch his bicep. Slowly running her hand down his forearm, she batted her eyelashes and twirled her hair with her other hand. She said something to him you couldn't hear, but the two of them began to smile, Pedro's eyes growing wide with his grin. He said something to her and they both laughed, him throwing his upper half forward in a classic Pedro laugh.

That's it. I can't do it. I can't be here and see this.

Turning on your heel, you made for the patio door. The crisp air hit your face, urging the tears to fall immediately.

_____

Pedro laughed as the woman, Tricia, held up both hands in defense. "I SWEAR, Pedro. That's what she did. She touched my arm like that, twirled her hair, batted her eyelashes, and said "hey baby. Come here often?"

Pedro laughed, "oh man, that's so cheesy."

"I know!" Tricia laughed, holding her stomach.

Pedro raised an eyebrow. "Okay, you agree it's cheesy, yet I feel like every time I've seen you two together tonight, you're the one that can't keep your hands off of her," he stated with a sassy smirk.

"Alright, you caught me," Tricia replied with a laugh, right as her girlfriend Sam walked up in a matching skeleton costume. Sam handed Tricia a cup of purple liquid and asked what they were laughing about.

"I asked how you two got together," Pedro replied with a chuckle.

"Oh, gosh, I can only imagine how she's spun the story this time!" Sam replied with an eye roll and a quick kiss to Tricia's lips. Seeing the two love-birds kiss made Pedro long to experience that with you.

Where did she go? There's no way she's still getting a drink.

He excused himself and headed towards the bar, but you weren't there. Then he walked towards the bathroom to check the line. Nope.

Finally he looked to the left and saw you, leaning against the balcony which overlooked the city.

He pulled the sliding door open, slipping outside into the cool October night. The patio was mostly empty, apart from a few stragglers on the far side of the rooftop, sitting at the patio furniture underneath a heat lamp. Most of the guests had gone inside when the temperature began to dip. He walked towards you, saying your name to gain your attention, but you didn't turn. Too deep in your thoughts.

"Are you okay? What are you doing out here all alone?" He touched your shoulder gently.

Startled, you tried to quietly sniffle and wipe your wet eyes without him noticing, careful to avoid smudging your mascara.

You turned to face him, planting another fake smile on your face. "Yeah I'm fine, just needed some air, that's all. You?"

"I can tell you're not okay. What's wrong?" He frowned, stepping closer to you and eyeing the red stain on your dress. Confusion laced across his face.

You stepped back a half-step away from his touch. "It's nothing, it just seems it isn't my night I guess… but you look like you're having fun. Get back in there and dance with Sarah and Oscar," you said with a gentle smile. "I think I might head out. Skipper is probably wondering where I am, anyway."

"I'm sorry you're not having a good time. Let me at least give you a ride home," he pleaded with his brown eyes. This was the first time all night you had actually made eye contact with him, finally seeing just how handsome he really was in person.

Yeah. There's no way he'd go for me. That's for sure.

"No, no please, you stay, I'll just get an Uber. It's fine! Thank you for inviting me tonight though, Pedro. That was really sweet of you."

"I'm not letting you take an Uber home when I'm right here."

"No, dont. I don't want you to miss the party…" you added.

"I've partied enough tonight. Come on, I'm taking you home. No arguments," he pressed, puppy dog eyes unwavering in his demand.

Seriously this man could get away with murder the way he looks with those eyes.

"Okay. Fine, if you really don't mind," you finally agreed, not that it was even an option.

He gave a quick explanation to his friends with a brief wave before the two of you headed out the front door. You scowled at the guard as you walked past.

Thanks for ruining my night, asshole.

After receiving his car from the valet, Pedro pulled open the passenger door for you, gesturing for you to climb inside.

Nobody has ever opened the car door for me before, other than my dad.

What a gentleman...

Just because you were upset didn't mean you weren't zapped with a feeling of adrenaline and love at his chivalrous action. Whoever ends up with him is a lucky person.

You climbed in the passenger seat and he went around the car, entering the driver's side.

Not only did you feel like you ruined the party, but you worry you may have ruined your shot altogether. Why would Pedro want you after you didn't even talk to him your first night out together?

_____

*Pedro's POV*

As he climbed into his seat, buckling up and starting the ignition, he couldn't help but wonder where the night went wrong.

Did I say something to offend her?

He began to replay all the conversations you'd had tonight, trying to figure out when your sadness began and what could have caused it.

The party conversations? The texts? The phone calls?

Nothing came to mind, which worried him even more that he could be so ignorant to have said something hurtful without realizing.

Pedro looked over at you in his passenger seat. You were curled toward the side, arms scrunched toward your body and looking out the window. Silent. Just the occasional sound of a sniffle, or a road direction for him to take toward your house.

He wanted so badly to reach over and touch you. Hold your hand and rub his thumb over your fingers to comfort you in any way possible while driving. Then, he'd pull you into his arms the second you two got out of the car.

But he knew he couldn't. You weren't his to hold.

Was her crush at the party too? Could he have hurt her somehow?

He felt anger flare into his system at whatever could have made you cry. You deserved the world and he wished he could spend every day trying to prove it to you.

_____

*Back to your perspective*

About 20 minutes later, you quietly said "this is me."

Pedro put the car in park, and told you to wait. Confused, you sat, but he ran around the car and opened the door for you.

What. The. Hell. Is he real?

You stood from the car, fluffing down your ruined princess dress. "Thank you Pedro. You really didn't have to give me a ride, I feel bad you went out of your way. I'm sorry if I ruined your night."

"Hey, whoa, don't apologize. There's no way you ruined my night, and don't worry about the ride. I feel better knowing you made it home safely from me than some taxi service," Pedro placed his hand on his heart.

"Well, thank you either way. It was nice getting to finally meet you in person…"

"It was nice meeting you too," he shifted his weight, awkwardly wondering how to proceed.

"You should go. Get back to your party before you miss anything else! I'm sure Oscar and Sarah miss you," you prompted.

"Oh, I'm not going back. I'll just call it a night and head home. It's not as fun without my date, anyway." He smirked, and you couldn't help but wonder if he was flirting with you. Probably just being nice.

"You aren't going back??"

"Nah, I'm good. But…" he rubbed the back of his neck with his palm.

"What?" You felt nervous.

"Can I ask why you're so upset? You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. It's just… if I did something or said something to upset you… I'm so sorry," he said, and you could actually feel the genuine sadness in his voice.

"Oh, Pedro. No. You did nothing wrong. It's just," you sighed. "Do you want to come in?"

You worried about asking and seeming too forward, but now that it's out there it can't be taken back.

Friends go over to other friend's houses. It's totally fine and normal.

"I, uh, sure," Pedro stumbled over his words. "I'd love to. If you don't mind." He seemed nervous and a little surprised at your invitation.

You unlocked your door and the two of you entered. Instantly, you were greeted by your boy, who was all too happy to have a new friend. His tail wagged, smacking against nearby surfaces.

Pedro's face lit up instantly, and he crouched down to Skip's level. Letting Skipper get a good sniff, you heard Pedro gently coo to your dog. "Hi buddy!! I'm Pedro. I've heard so much about you." He scratched behind his ears.

Your heart swelled. Here they were, two of your favorite boys, bonding like old friends.

Pedro stood up again, giving a final scratch to Skipper's head before turning to you. "So, do you want to talk about it? What happened tonight?"

You ushered him to the kitchen table, asking him if he would like a drink. "Sure, thanks. Just water, please."

You poured two glasses of water and sat at the table near him, finally delving into the events of the evening. You told him about the bouncer and the woman with her drink. "I also saw that one girl talking to you and being really touchy and flirty and I felt like I was intruding."

I was also really fucking jealous…

"Wait, what girl?"

He repeated the evening's events through his mind. He wasn't flirting or being touchy? Who were you - Oh. Tricia, when she was describing Sam. Were you jealous of her? He allowed his mind to wonder, slightly hopeful that you might want more.

"I guess I just… I don't really feel like I fit in here. I don't look like I fit in here. I don't act like I fit in here. I honestly don't even know why you're as nice to me as you are. I wonder why you want to be my friend. Not that I'm not happy about it, because I am, but-"

He cut off your ramblings. "Whoa, whoa, hey. Sweetheart. You belong here. People just don't know you yet. That bouncer was totally out of line and a complete asshole. That woman, who spilled her drink on you, was rude, offensive, and nasty; and I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Especially towards those I care about. The second she came over, I could tell she was a snake. I didn't give her the time of day. And lastly, the girl you saw being touchy was my friend Tricia. She was describing how her girlfriend picked her up in a bar," he laughed.

"Oh," you listened to his words, still not making eye contact, looking at your hands on the table.

"And as for you," he prompted, "I'm nice to you because you deserve it. You're sweet and funny, and I'm so thankful to have met you. I talk to you because I like talking to you. I enjoy spending time with you, whether it's on the phone, or, even better, when I get to see your face. Although I have to say I hate to see it crying." He brushed away a tear from your cheek, and you gave a small laugh, wiping the rest of your face.

"Thanks Pedro. I'm sorry if I brought down your night. I just really wanted tonight to be special, and it felt like my carriage turned back into a pumpkin before I even started." You gave another defeated laugh.

"You didn't ruin my night. If anything I'm just disappointed you didn't say anything, so I could help cheer you up or we could go do something else." He paused, brushing your hair from your eyes. "By the way, I never did get to tell you how beautiful you look in that dress, princesa."

Your cheeks heated under his gaze. "T-thanks Pedro. You look pretty handsome there, yourself," you answered nervously. It was the first time you had truly looked at him all night, and he was more beautiful than you ever could have imagined. Even pictures didn't do him justice. Dressed in a white suit with golden epaulets and golden buttons on the jacket, he was the most charming prince you'd ever seen.

Pedro rubbed his neck. "Thank you." He smiled. "But, hey, just because the night didn't go your way doesn't mean we can't turn it around."

You smirked. "That's true. Do you wanna watch a movie or something? Because if so, I think I might change out of this costume real quick," you began to stand.

"Whoa, not so fast princesa," he grabbed your arm.

You turned and gave him a confused look.

"Not before I share a dance with you in that dress. I've been waiting all night," he held out his hand.

"Really?" The grin on your face lit up, and you pulled him towards your music room where you stored your records.

"Wow. This is amazing. You have so many records and instruments in here! Is this where you write your music, too?"

"Yep! Here's where the magic happens," you answered with a laugh, pulling out an old record filled with slow love songs of the 50's and 60's. You placed the needle on the record, hearing a soft crackle as it began to play.

Pedro pulled you into his chest, grabbing your right hand with his left and gently placing his right hand on your waist. You slid your left hand up to his shoulder and smiled up at him as the two of you gently swayed to the music.

One song turned into two. Then three, and finally four; the two of you holding each other, silent except for the soft music turning from your record player on the desk. At some point you took the risk and decided to rest your face on his chest while the two of you swayed. His head rested on top of yours, both of you breathing softly, eyes closed, with you listening to the rhythmic drumming of his heart in his chest.

The record crackled with the end of the first side and the two of you looked at each other. You didn't miss the quick glance he stole from your eyes down to your lips, and you began to slowly lean closer.

Is this it?! Am I finally going to have my first kiss?!

You continued leaning closer, both his and your eyes gently closing. You could feel his breath fanning across your nose when-

Clunk clunk clunk. Pant pant. Whine.

You and Pedro opened your eyes, confusion painting your expressions as you turned your faces away from each other towards the sound. Still held in each other's arms, you peeled your eyes away from each other to see Skipper looking at you both with a big doggy grin on his face. His tail smacked the table with a thump thump, and he let out soft little whines and coos for attention.

The two of you laughed, the moment over, as you both kneeled down to give pets while Skip wedged between the two of you. Although you were disappointed the kiss was interrupted, you can't be mad at such a cute face. Still scratching your dog, you looked across to Pedro on the other side of Skipper. The two of you shared a soft look and smile, filled with so many unsaid words and feelings.

"So, uh.. how about that movie?" Pedro asked, still smiling.

______

You changed out of your princess costume into a comfier movie watching outfit and he changed out of his prince costume. He had some clothes in his car, which he changed into, looking handsome as ever. He wore a navy blue sweater with jeans, both fitting him perfectly. The two of you settled on your couch and turned on a movie. Although you sat next to each other, you kept a friendly distance, neither of you wanting to push the other too far.

As the movie rolled on, you had a hard time focusing on the plot with him so close. He looked so cozy and soft, you just wanted to climb in his lap. You wanted him to hold your hand. You wanted to finish that kiss. He smelled nice, he looked nice, and you wanted him more than anything else in this world.

Without realizing it, you gravitated closer. Your body inched toward him, and without him realizing it, he inched closer as well. It wasn't long until your leg was brushed against his. Just the slight touch of his leg on yours was enough to send an electric feeling pulsing through your body. The tension was as tight as an electrical cable, slowly fraying until it eventually snaps into sparks.

Pedro's fingers twitched at his side, his jaw clenching and unclenching. Your eyes kept sneakily darting over to him, his doing the same at opposite times. Your hearts were racing, breathing quick and shallow. The movie finally ended, neither of you able to tell someone the storyline if asked.

You nervously turned towards Pedro, rubbing the back of your neck. "So that was some movie…"

"Yeah, that ending… it was-" his eyes darted to your lips. "Something." He looked into your eyes, hand settling on your thigh as the two of you once again began to lean in closer. You had just shut your eyes, noses brushing together, when he pulled away.

What the heeeeeeeellllll??? Whyyyy!?

You couldn't help but let out a whimper as you opened your eyes after the second failed kiss of the evening.

Pedro sat with his elbows on his lap, holding his face in his hands. "I'm so sorry…"

"What? Pedro? Why are you sorry? What's wrong? Did I - did I do something wrong?"

Do I smell bad? Does he not like me? Was this some sick joke?

"I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry. I let my feelings get in the way, and I shouldn't have done that. You're in love with someone else. I can't steal your first kiss. You deserve to have it with the man you really love."

"Pedro-" you tried to pry his hand from his face.

"No. I'm sorry if I ruined things. I should probably leave-" he began to stand up, but you grabbed his forearm and pulled him back down.

"Stop. Pedro," you begged.

He sat back down, looking into your eyes guiltily.

You continued. "Please don't apologize. I wanted you to kiss me…"

"But that guy in your song. You deserve to be with him. I've been letting my feelings take over and stealing all your time away on the phone and text, video chat, and now in person. I almost stole your first kiss from you twice tonight and-" he rambled on, once again throwing his hands over his face before you interrupted him again.

"Pedro.." you pulled his hand away from his face, leaving yours to hold his cheek instead, but he still avoided your eyes. Taking a deep breath, you figured it was time to take the plunge.

"It's you, Pedro."

His eyes glanced up to yours. "What?"

"It's you. It's always been you. You're the one I like."

"Wait, so you mean-"

"Yes. The songs, the interviews, our chats… I've been talking about you this whole time. I really, really, like you."

Pedro gave a gentle smile, leaning his face into your hand. "I like you too, baby," he whispered.

His hand moved from his cheek to yours and the two of you leaned in. Closing your eyes, you brushed your noses together before you whispered "please kiss me.

You could feel a soft smile as he pressed his lips to yours, first gentle and soft, then stronger and more desperate. Although the kiss was still very tame, you could both feel all the emotions you've been harboring for each other for so long.

Breathless, the two of you pulled back, falling into a gentle laughter. "You don't know how long I've been waiting for that kiss," you spoke softly, wanting to keep the words as quiet as possible, heard only within the tiny bubble you currently shared.

"Me too," he smiled, pressing another kiss to your lips.

"I think you were worth the wait," you pecked his lips.

"I think you were too," he rested his head on your forehead with his hand on your neck, lightly stroking over your hair.

"I like you." You giggled.

"I like you too." He grinned. "But, you know, if I remember correctly, 'like' wasn't the word you used in your song…" he teased.

Your stomach flipped. "I don't want to scare you off too soon, P."

"You won't, sweetheart. You couldn't if you tried. I feel the same way." He kissed your forehead.

You looked at him, and feeling slightly nervous, yet calmed by his deep brown eyes, you told him those important words that have been spilling from your chest in silence.

"I love you Pedro."

"I love you too," he grabbed your face, once again pressing a kiss to your lips, this one much deeper than the others, before pulling you into his arms. The two of you were finally together. Finally you had love. All the things you wanted were coming true.

Turns out you got your happily ever after tonight after all.

__________

To be continued...

That's all for now! I hope you liked this chapter. I've received a lot of kind messages and DMs saying how much you guys relate to the reader and I just want to say thank you. It really means a lot to me that people are finding something to relate to. I'm essentially just using this fic as my diary, because she is pretty much just me. So to see others feeling the same way, it makes my heart so full! I send hugs to all of you.

Next Chapter! Here!

Taglist: (Want in? Let me know!) If I forget to add anyone, I'm sorry!

@pedrotonin @starcrossed02 @lightupsketchersperson @cartoon-garbage04 @tyferbebe @maryfanson @gwendibley84 @faithfullyyours2000 @brilliantopposite187 @hc-geralt-23 @jenniferpendragon @winchestergypsy90 @red-red-rogue @theendwhereibegin @lottieellz101 @oliversaurus @kyga01 @milly-louise @titabel @taz-97 @stefanibear003 @marantha @fandomoniumflurry @ilovemybrown-eyedbabygirl

[definitelydissociative]

Being in college has been a very strange experience for us so far--and I use "us" here because it's not just the school parts who are having a strange time. I'm absolutely not a school part, previous to returning from dormancy two years ago, I was only ever here to soak up the night time abuse. Now, somehow, I'm sitting here on a day off (it's reading week, thank god) and I'm typing this post to avoid doing homework. I somehow ended up roped into this whole mess, despite having been very, very vocally against attempting school again. I don't know how I feel about it now.

Initially, it seemed like it was all going to be one single part who handled our courses during the day and dealt with homework. Callie (the main school part) did it all on their own for the first few weeks, but I think they reached a point where she had a massive stress induced meltdown and has refused to touch homework since. Now it's just Callie who goes on campus, but there's a whole bunch of us who are contributing academically and in terms of support. There's a part who does all of our timed touch typing and typing drills. Phoenix gets us all ready to go in the morning. Luca is, apparently, the "bus guy" because nobody else can handle the stress of taking public transit here after being sexually harassed literally the first day we took the bus. I don't doubt there's more that I'm not aware of yet. Whoever is around contributes to homework, usually myself (Adam) or Jack. I'm working on a project for our graphic design-esque class, which is a brochure that's due tomorrow afternoon. Over the last week, I think it's passed between at least three of us, maybe four. It's incredibly strange to open up Canva and realize I have zero memory of what had been done by another part.

It's hard to deny the depth of our amnesia at this point. Memory sharing is weird, particularly between Jack and Callie, but most days when we get home from school and switch to home parts, nobody remembers that we'd had classes at all. Sometimes memories will be shared after the fact, though not always. It makes homework incredibly frustrating and difficult to keep track of--I've never had to be so rigorously organized before. It's just really, really fucking hard to sit down to work on an assignment and realize that I don't remember any of the lecture relevant to my assignments. It's exhausting, most of our extended homework sessions (some days I work six hours straight after school) are made so long because it takes up lots of time to track down the information we need.

Don't even get me started on dealing with trauma. It's a whole thing that needs its own post, but the short story is that we've been in deep, deep denial since disclosing to my mother went so badly last February. It's a huge part of why this blog was abandoned, actually. It's been a work in progress but that denial is finally fading and we're being forced to face the truth. The truth is just... unpredictable. It would be nice to keep, at the very least, the CSA flashbacks and triggers to at home, but it hasn't been working like that. I don't know enough about Callie's experiences to say what that's been like for her, but I am aware that it's been really distressing when she has her own school related trauma to deal with.

Anyways. I wrote this as a way to stall doing homework, but I should probably stop stalling and get the stupid thing done and over with. It's worth 20% of our final mark and I certainly don't want to get blamed for a shit mark because I refused to pitch in and be a team player.

I hate having to share my life sometimes. I just want to do my own thing, separate from the other chucklefucks and their bullshit.

[ashadowofburnedoutstardust]

Hello again anon 🐯

Yeah, this bullshitshow has been anything but private

I don't think this man has any comprehension of the damage he has done to his image

As it stands he currently has no audience, no fandom, very little to motivate anyone to follow him around regardless of whatever project he has going

His fans are losing interest?

I started watching the video for the award and lost interest so I have no idea what's been said and I have zero interest in finding out, but then I'm not a Chris Evans fan either, I just stumbled across them after having a weird prophetic dream and following the algorithmic narratives

For the most part, they're pretty awesome people. I didn't like seeing them treated the way they have been so I took what action I could. I'm pretty picky about people and they're the only reason I've stuck around this long

He needs a better team?

He doesn't just need a new team, he needs a new name, a new house, a new life; the man needs to disappear out of the pure embarrassment he's caused himself and all of those around him

And he's badly embarrassed his fans by proxy for having supported someone with no fucking spine willing to betray even the lies he used to help con them with

(Sorry to be harsh, I haven't had dinner yet and it has been a long day at work)

Is he being honest with himself meaning it wouldn't end up like this?

I do truly wonder if he understands that he has also bought into his own image. Does he think that any part of the persona hes had curated over the years actually reflects who he is?

Christopher, you are nothing like any of the characters you've played and each piece of them that's been published in place of your actual personality traits in articles is simply another lie to yourself

Being private doesn't mean being ashamed?

If hes not he should be. Ashamed. Ashamed. Ashamed.

It ties into the lies he's told himself. Honey blocking people is not going to make them stop talking about you

If you are genuinely so scared that telling the truth about whats gone on then maybe you shouldn't have been doing it to begin with

Christopher if this is truly your choice, to fuck around with 20 somethings at your fucking age then yes you should be ashamed because you are a Hollywood cliche and still emotionally a 15 year old boy, basically a rich pervert and theres no amount of PR cleaning that's going to get you out of that after so badly knocking down the fan support system holding you up and paying your bills

Your team aren't the only ones who have been coasting

It's odd a little for me. I tend to be optimistic by nature and not the "hyper-critical debunking character" I've played so much on my blog so there is that genuine little part of me that despite not being a fan I really do want a positive outcome for him

But let me be clear about this: it's not that I'm hoping for it for him, I'm hoping for it for his fans

When you are strangers on the internet it can be a lot easier to let things out to people when you have a safe place to do it from behind an internet profile. Like I've said before I've talked to thousands of his fans by now and the number of them that were distressed, that needed a safe place to vent is extensive

I may not be a mean person IRL, (I get called bubbly.....a lot lol) but I'm fairly sure after spending so much time consoling so many of them I could summon genuine enough rage to scare him straight, or at the very least some common fucking sense

These days I work in....well......let's generalise and say Healthcare; it's a very people focused job where taking into consideration that you have no idea what's going on in the rest of their life and how that affects their experience when they are in the establishment, the ability to empathise with so many people every day is really quite a natural thing for me despite my general introversion

But there are some things you have to learn to be firm on and is one of the most difficult lessons I had to learn to do my job and help make the environment a better place

I have to say I don't think this man has ever learned how to establish boundaries with literally anyone, no wonder I got the impression he needed a strong woman to tell him what to do

(He really does need a replacement Lisa that tells him what to do, but also one that's actually happy to actually do it no woman should ever let a man put their emotional labour on them)

I've done my best to fuck up their narrative bullshitshow as much as possible as revenge for fucking with the fandom friends I had and lost because of what they did

Indeed anon, good luck Chris. If you never learn to stand your ground in a meaningful way nothing will ever change

Do something different

[andypantsx3]

This is going to sound weird, but do you have any tips on how to gain traction as a fanfic writer? I've been trying for years and I get next to no interaction on my writing. I know I shouldn't care because I should be writing for myself, but it's still frustrating to see other writers get thousands of notes, and reblogs and asks praising their fics and I get maybe 20 likes. I've been looking into discord fandom groups but a lot of them don't allow people over 30, and I don't do well with busy groups anyway. I try to be active on my blog, and interact with other people and make myself approachable, but I'm getting so incredibly tired of talking to an empty space. Sorry, I think I ended up venting instead >_<

WARNING: DISCOURSE AHEAD

Omg hello my love!! First of all, I'm so sorry you feel this way! I have so many conflicting thoughts on this, let me try to get them in order for you!!

I guess, let me first start with some tips that I think actually answer your question, and then I'll just monologue about the ways I've been thinking about fandom recently, and you can skip that part if you wanna!

Part 1: Actual Thoughts on Your Question (lol)

I am possibly not in the best position to ask about this because I mostly happened to be in the right place at the right time, publishing my fics in the early part of the pandemic when people were more actively engaging in the fandom. But in my experience, outside of discord groups, other good ways to meet people and get your work out there are joining zines & collabs.

I'm not completely up-to-date with what the accounts are now that track these things, but there are several tumblrs and twitter accounts like BNHA Zines that exist to retweet & publicize zine posts. Look for zines that are in the interest check & application stages!! You can apply during the application phase and the good thing is that most zines will ask for an application piece and will judge you on your work rather than your follower count!!

Collabs are usually even easier because many of them are just open to whoever wants to join! I've only participated in server collabs but I've seen several posts cross my dash that are open to anyone. I'd probably monitor the collaboration and x reader tags on tumblr and join in on anything that looks fun!!

Another thing that I've noticed people do a lot is self-reblog their fics a couple times just to maximize their circulation. I've seen a lot of moots trying to make sure they hit good hours for different time zones and different days of the week to ensure their followers are at least aware that they've posted something if they don't have notifs on (I don't have notifs on so I'm grateful for these because otherwise I miss a lot!!). Even I have srb'd a time or two if I'm particularly proud of something lol.

And I think, if I also wanted to be a shark about things, I would try to get in on the ground floor of a fandom in its early stages!! For example, the second season of JJK is coming out soon and it's sure to bring a wave of new readers to the JJK fandom, especially for the characters like Gojo and Getou who look like they're gonna be the main focus of the season.

I think if you wanted to be extra sharp about things, you might time a fic release with some of the first couple episodes of a new season where you can be sure more people than usual will be poking around in the tags!! And if your fic is published during the early stages of a fandom, it's going to have more eyes on it overall than a fic published towards the conclusion of the series.

Anyway this is what I could think of. I hope this advice is practical and useful!! Now onto me blathering.

Part 2: Resisting Influencer Culture in Fandom Spaces

This part might be kind of controversial. I want to first acknowledge how easy it is for me to think and say these sorts of things when I'm already more than pleased with the amount of engagement I get. And I want to recognize that it is so, so deeply human to want recognition, community, and support for the things that we write.

I think it is so completely natural that you want interaction on your writing. All of us totally do, otherwise we wouldn't be publishing it publicly. If our work was truly, singularly for us and us alone, we'd keep it in the drafts lol. We put it out there hoping for praise and appreciation and connection, and in my opinion there is no shame in that.

So, admission time: I also definitely compare myself to other writers, and I have several times thought about transitioning more towards the type of content that drives higher note counts on tumblr: smuttier one-shots usually under 10k! I can see a huge difference in terms of just my own work on how my one-shots typically do in comparison to chaptered fics. And I definitely see how fast smutty imagines shoot up there in terms of note count.

But I was listening to a podcast episode recently on trying to sort of transition away from a metrics-focused approach to fandom. In the podcast, they talk about how in trying to legitimize fanfic as a literary mechanism, we've also sort of accidentally subjected it to our capitalist-influencer-mindset, where we see fic as more legitimate the more kudos it gets or the more followers it nets you, because in traditional influencer spaces, those followers are potential capital.

I'm definitely not saying you or I see people as potential revenue streams, but I think probably neither of us are immune to the culture at large, and we both probably carry some of internalized sense of our own value based on metrics, reach, and influence. And that sucks!!!!

Fandom, of all things, is supposed to be a specifically anti-capitalist space. We can't make money off of fanfic or fanart (legally, anyway lol), and we're all not the owners of the franchises either so none of our takes are necessarily more "valid" or weightier than others!! We're all supposed to just be trading stories around a campfire with no thought to their literary merit or monetary value. We're just supposed to enjoy the stories.

So, I don't know what the right answer is about how to try to resist the influences of our capitalist culture at large; I'm hoping someone smarter than me will tell me. But I do know that in fanfic, the value of your story can absolutely never be determined by how much engagement you get. Because fandom is not about metrics, and there is no inherent value in metrics. There is only the fun you had creating the story, and the depth of the connection you made with someone over it--even if that's just one other person.

And so I personally am at least trying to resist the lure of transitioning to smutty one-shots even though I think a lot of people would like that. Because what I like doing is writing my little 30k multi-chaps; those are my fave kinds of stories to tell, I'm not letting my metrics tell me what I should be writing.

I hope, at the very least, you know that your worth and the value of your story is not defined by how many other people have read it. And if you ever wanna chat more about this let me know, I'm still figuring this all out myself and could use friends to explore it with!!

[aurekiwi]

𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰 for 🎀

Hello! May i get a reading pls if it's possible? I'm intrigued to know the answer to this question I have, my question is career related. I would like to ask u what kind of career will be most fulfilling and successful for me?

hello 🎀 ! thank you so much for following my blog and requesting a personal reading from me. i have used my self-made deck Snow White and my oracle deck Yume to answer your question in detail.

Yume: Death Mother, White Buffalo, The Gate, Octopus.

Yume is showing me that you are feeling a bit trapped right now in terms of your career. maybe you're feeling that you don't have the time and space to look into what you're truly interested, rather you're in a forked road and being forced to choose when you don't really know where you're headed yet. Yume says that you should be more in touch with your spirituality and that you are being called to contact whatever spiritual entity or philosophy you believe. meditation is one great way to be more in touch for guidance and messages. it might feel really unclear at the moment, but the 'right answer' is actually right there- you just need to go a little further to see the full picture. i also see you having a good opportunity coming your way pretty soon so be on the lookout for that. make sure you manage your time and priorities well so that good things come your way. your patience and intelligence will help you find what is most fulfilling for you!

Snow White: Six of Swords, Ace of Pentacles, Three of Pentacles, Five of Pentacles, Five of Wands

i'm picking up on a couple different things. if you're still a student, have you considered leaving your hometown to pursue higher studies? the six of swords, visually, shows someone who is crossing a body of water on a boat to a new place. it signifies movement, moving on from something of the past. i can also mean you are physically moving. i think you moving or any form of movement will be tied to your success and luck. your fulfilling career does to be that you will need to spend quite some time studying for it. the job may require you to help people move forward from the situations that they're in. the swords energy is air energy and also your thoughts, so the job will require lots of thoughts/intelligence and communication. there is also a lot of movement so i feel that it might be a fast-paced environment that you are a part of that might feel stressful. but with time, i do think you will get used to it.

there is a specific focus on unmet justice and judgment within your reading. your fulfilling career may have that kind of righteous, justice-filled nature to it. have you ever had moments where you would see media footage of the horrible bads of this world that made you so angry? or heard about situations where one person who deserved justice did not get theirs served that made you so upset? the fulfilling career calls for you to reach upon these qualities of empathy, intellect, understanding, neutrality, and justice. this profession has a lot of heartbreak, chaos, and intensity within it. you won't be working alone- you will be working together with other people. collaboration is key within this career as well, because you alone won't be able to fulfill all your duties and tasks. there will be unjust situations that you have to interact with where you must give a reasonable ruling/verdict/answer/judgment. this will be a competitive workforce and i'm hearing people talking to each other, debating or reasoning with one another. there is an argumentative tone to the job you will have to do.

Page of Wands

overall, do what feels right for you. the page of wands is someone who is eager to start off their journey. there is lots of passion and curiosity. don't feel rushed to make a particular decision on what you want to do yet because you still have time. plus, there is never "late" in this world. you can start something in your 10s, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. and it won't be too late. go at your own pace and discover what really sparks your interest because that spark will propel you towards a fulfilling career.

i would also like to mention that your reading had one air card while a majority were earth or fire. it makes me think you career will have a more grounded and serious undertone to it. it's very focused on the reality of the world and lots of movement/action. creative or artistic professions are usually more associated with water cards.

𝐛𝐲 𝐚𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐤𝐢𝐰𝐢 | FEEDBACK RECEIVED

[konglindorm]

Patreon Updates:

My Patreon page has been, frankly, pretty sad, pretty much since its inception. The goal is to change that in 2024, and we’re going to discuss some of the new developments today.

1. It used to be impossible for people who were not financially supporting me to comment on posts. I fixed that. Anyone should be able to comment now, and please, do. I would love to increase general engagement.

2. New rewards have already been added to the $15 and $25 support tiers. New rewards are in the works for $5 and $10 tiers. I’ve deleted the $20 tier, because no one was using it and I didn’t want to think of something to differentiate it from the others. The $1 tier will continue to get early access and exclusive content.

3. I am hoping to increase the amount of content I actually share on Patreon, because I’ve been seriously struggling in that department.

4. Patreon has recently added the option to sell digital media here, and I’m going to look into whether that’s worth doing or not. I will keep you guys posted.

5. I’m planning to add a Patrons-only coupon that can be used in my store.

6. I desperately need your feedback on what you’d like to see more of. What were you looking for when you came to this page? If you’ve never been here before, what would make you want to stay? What would make you want to support me?

· I started with blogs about folk and fairy tales. Did people enjoy that? Would you like me to get that going again?

· Do you want to see rough drafts or deleted scenes from finished projects?

· Do you want more content about the writing or publishing process?

· Do you want more pieces of upcoming projects?

· Do you like exclusively written content? Would you like to see more variety in format? Maybe videos? Would like a livestream thing be interesting? So we could have, like, actual conversation?

· I shared an early draft of Lindworm serially on Patreon, years ago. I started sharing a draft of another novel, but stopped because it was difficult to keep up with when no one seemed to really be reading at, at least not in comparison to the numbers I was seeing on the fanfic I was sharing at the same time. Were people reading it? Would you like to, if I started something like that again?

· (On the topic of fanfic. That’s something I write under a different name, and a name I haven’t shared with everyone on Patreon, because it’s something I like to keep kind of separate and just for me. But if you’d like me to talk about fanfic in general, I’d be happy to do that. Like, original vs fan writing, or the process of writing serially, or how writing fanfic has improved my original fic, or why I’ve still been writing so much fanfic while kind of burned out of my original writing. And if you’re coming here from Tumblr or AO3, and already know about my fanfic, I’d be happy to talk more about the specifics over on Tumblr—just send me a message!)

[cleanwhiteroom-archived]

Hi, mate! Thanks to this account I now know that Cwr and Elementals had new works (if I can say that about September 2022). I read DCWT and I exploded in the street a few minutes ago after reading one of ur post about new texts. Can you help me to know in what order I need to read all the new stuff and where I can read/listen them? Is only Pacific Rim related or there is some other fandom and/or new original world?

@umbra-life HI SORRY hello! Yes! Welcome! I do need to update my pinned post one of these days - today is sadly not that day because it is 1am but rest assured I will be fixing it soon!

If you kept up with CWR’s work in Pacific Rim prior to 2015 or so, then you probably read Designations Congruent With Things, Out of Many Scattered Things, and the one shots such as Like The Twist of a Plot. If you’re looking for new CWR shenanigans in the Pacific Rim Universe since 2020 or so, the big New Addition is called Aftermath and it is gorgeous 🥹 You can download/read Aftermath on CWR’s blog here! If you want to reread everything in the Designations universe, I’d probably suggest just going in release order: DCWT, OOMST, Aftermath, and then the one-shots. The first three are all on CWR’s site for download, and I have a doc of the one-shots I saved in The Before Times here. As for audio- Elementals released a recording for DCWT Ch 20 and Ch21! No official word on whether we’ll get the rest, but their website does say audio for Aftermath is coming so fingies and toes are crossed 😇

The OTHER new stuff CWR has been/is currently releasing is all in the Stargate universe - before writing in Pacific Rim, CWR originally started a triptych of Stargate fics: Force Over Distance (complete), Mathèmatique (WiP) and Ad Noctum (WiP). In the last few years, CWR has begun to rewrite FoD, and rework/add on to Maths and AdNo. 🥹 Likewise, Elementals has also been releasing new audio for these updated/new chapters, available on their website - AND the newest update this weekend is Elementals is maybe now allowing us access to in-progress audio 😱 go look at their site for details. It’s ridic.

Figuring out the order to read the Triptych is both straightforward and complicated - you should read FoD first, and then can read Maths and AdNo in any order after that… but should someone reading FoD for the first time start with the original complete FoD first and then the new WiP version of FoD for instance? Or just jump straight to the new versions? I wish I knew for certain pal - my gut though says start with the new versions on CWR’s website and if you’re fascinated and want to take the time to compare to the OGs then I have copies of them in my google drive for your perusal! That’s just me though - Anyone else out there have an opinion on whether newcomers to CWR’s Stargate triptych should read the originals first or start afresh?

Tangentially related to the DCWT side of the ask……… This ask actually sent me down a bit of a rabbit hole. And that rabbit hole is ‘what order do all the chapters of CWR’s Pacific Rim tale ACTUALLY take place in?’ And while part of me worries that reading them in chronological order would fundamentally mess with CWR’s intent (why do I get fractal vibes from stories within stories, drilling down and expanding on smaller and smaller sections? I could be reading into things…) I couldn’t help myself. And turns out untangling their order is mostly sort-of possible so I maybe put that list together below for anyone brave enough to attempt it lmao. Take the order with a grain of salt as some of these like The Twist of a Plot could maybe take place later or sooner than I’ve put them but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m running this post so what can ya do ya know?

CWR’s Pacific Rim media in Chronological Order, for funsies and for insomnia:

Epistolary Empiricism & Science Charm (OOMST) - In Medias Res (One Shots) - Aftermath 2015 Ch5 & Ch11 - Kingmaker & Lady Stardust (OOMST) - first 1/4 of The Blue Guitar (OOMST) - Aftermath 2015 Ch21, Ch26, Ch31, Aftermath 2017 Ch4, Ch10, Ch17, Ch34, Ch40, Ch46 - the rest of The Blue Guitar & The Crystal Lake (OOMST) - Aftermath 2020 Ch8, Ch12, Ch19, Ch24, Ch29 - Geneva 2020 (OOMST) - Aftermath 2020 Ch33, Ch43 - Failing the Solo Trial & Things Exactly As They Are (OOMST).

(Pacific Rim Film)

DCWT Ch1-9 - Aftermath 2025 Ch2, DCWT Ch10, Read Receipt (One shots) - Aftermath 2025 Ch15, DCWT Ch11-22, Under Pressure(One Shots), DCWT Ch23, Double De-Clutch (One shots) - DCWT Ch 24 - Ch28, Aftermath 2025 Ch25 & Ch48, Like the Twist of a Plot (One Shots), Aftermath 2027 Ch23, Ch27, Ch30, Ch35, Ch38, Ch42, Ch45, Aftermath 2028 Ch3, CH7, Ch16, Ch22, Ch37, Ch41, Ch49, Aftermath 2030 Ch1, Ch6, Ch9, Ch14, Ch2, Ch28, Ch32, Ch39, Ch44, Aftermath 2035 Ch50

Will I ever take the time to read these in order? Only time will tell, but researching all day sure made it feel like I already did 🙃

[rockinlibrarian]

For the author asks: 4, 12, 18

Author Asks! Now showing at a Tumblr Blog Near You!

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Well, now you've gone and reminded me that I have like thirty comments from Yuletide to respond to still. The answer SHOULD be a resounding Yes, but that one got me so many good comments in a row that I couldn't keep up, and then I forgot to go back!

But in ordinary circumstances, absolutely. You have given me an excuse to talk further about my story! Or at the very least, you have brought me a smile and I just want to say Thank You! The other day someone responded to a comment I'd left on their fic over a year ago, and I loved it-- I'd forgotten all about that comment, and that fic, and I got to experience it anew, and their reply that they'd looked at my comment "many times" added a sweetness that wouldn't have come from an immediate response, anyway!

So now I should go finish the comments on Jason and Chidi. Except I have to go to work in 20 minutes so maybe I'll put it off and forget about it again.

12. Have you co-written a fic?

The closest I've ever gotten on an official fic is "The Magic Man of Oz," which was brainstormed on a Discord server and I just ran with the results. I feel like I've cowritten stories-- not necessarily fanfics-- with friends before when I was a teenager, but the only one I can remember was when my cousin and I were passing a notebook back and forth each adding a sentence to a story that was about a homicidal guinea pig. Not a guinea pig. Some kind of large roundish rodent.

I remember reading Sorcery and Cecilia and writing a letter to another writer friend, "Check this book out, they wrote it by each taking a character and writing letters to each other in character, wouldn't that be fun?" but neither of us actually decided to ACT on the suggestion...!

18. What's the first fandom you wrote for?

Hmm. That's like asking me what my first Diana Wynne Jones book was. No, that's an even longer story, fanfic is simpler.

Somewhere back like fifteen years ago, when I was spending the majority of my online time on LiveJournal, I was puzzled at myself for apparently never having written fanfic. But it's exactly the sort of thing I'd DO! But like with Diana Wynne Jones books, I discovered I was wrong, when I picked up my old Junior Girl Scouts badge book and a scene from Ducktales fell out, apparently in response to a writing badge assignment to write a piece of fanfiction. I had had no memory of this writing experience!

In my pulling a daily writing prompt period, "The Pipeweed Mafia Epic" technically came first, but I don't think I clocked it as fanfic because it was Real Person Fic. The first one I had the concept in my head of "Oh, this is FANFIC" was for a DIFFERENT prompt that made me go, "Sounds like an X-Files plot. OH, okay, guess I'm writing X-Files fic!" I eventually shared it here! It's crack. X-Files crack. You should read it.

I messed around with some more random fanfics (one of which I eventually posted, a few more of which I may finish someday-- I'm very fond of my how-Wash-and-Zoe-Washburn-fell-in-love story and WANT to finish it eventually) in the intervening time, but of course it was Legion I got an AO3 account for. And is still my most-written fandom! Because SOMEBODY'S got to write Loudermilk Twin stories so it might as well be me!

Hmm, my "You should start getting ready for work" alarm didn't go off, so now I should REALLY start getting ready for work.

[the-sidekick-club]

Flowers for the Shadow Man

Part 1 : Part 2

Written by: @heroes-villains-side-blog★​​@tratieisdabest★@just-a-space-rabbit​​  

TW: breaking and entering

❘〣❘〣❘ ★ ❘〣❘〣❘

Shadows simply nodded in response, once again amused with her, and once again pinker, though really redder, than before. 

Alexandria slowly regained her composure. "Well… what do we do now? I'd like to get to know you better before a date, which is… sort of the point of those, but I just know Mender will find out somehow, and we'll be spied on by their little club thing. Well, that is, if they keep meeting."

Shadows cocked his head in thought, a motion that Alexandria found adorable, before answering, "Well, we could just talk? Like you have my phone number, which, by the way, would've been a smart recourse to use, so you wouldn’t have had to break in —" 

Alexandria's glow returned, flustered to hear yet another flaw in her plan. Gosh, this was embarrassing; normally she was pretty level-headed, but Shadows just messed that up. 

"--- and we could figure out times when we can meet up, like on a rooftop, or here or something."

Alexandria nodded, and then there was silence. Neither of them knew what to talk about. So, after about… 5 seconds of that awkward silence, Alexandria blurted out, "Let's play 20 questions! You can go first!"

Shadows looked over at her in slight surprise; the sudden words had startled him, but he actually liked the idea quite a lot! And so, he began to think of the perfect first question, leading to another few seconds of awkward silence. Finally, he said,"I suppose we should start small. What's your favorite dessert?"

The hero thought for a moment before answering, "Anything chocolate, though especially when Mender bakes it for me!" Shadows happily took in the new information; Alexandria was very, very supportive of her sidekick, loved her baking, and also loved chocolate! Perhaps one day, Shadows would get a chance to work with Mender to make something for the hero, but there wasn't too much time to think about the simple answer because it was Alexandria's turn!

Before asking, she scanned the room, clad in red and black, similar to much of his base and his costume. "What's your favorite color?" she asked with slight sarcasm. 

But Shadows just smiled and answered, "I've always loved the color yellow! That's why I have lots of sticky notes in that color." At that, he pointed to his desk, which had a rainbow of sticky notes, but contained 3 shades of yellow. It wasn't immediately noticeable, though, since the yellow ones were used so often that the stacks had gotten progressively thin, all combing to about the size of one. Alexandria looked surprised at the answer, but he really wasn't sure why. Why would she ask if she thought she already knew the answer? 

"Huh. I… wasn't expecting that." Alexandria said, gazing around the room to try and find more hints of yellow. When he noticed that, he realized the reason for surprise; everything was always red! But who was going to take a villain seriously if they were clad in yellow, unless maybe their power was, like, bee related. 

"Well what's your favorite color?" Shadows asked, voice full of challenge. If the answer was anything but orange, it basically proved his point of favorite colors not always being the best color to use (no it wouldn't). Which would make Alexandria look a bit silly, and if he was lucky she'd flustsd again!

But she just looked at him in confusion before saying, "Orange? Though yellow is definitely nice too." Okay, so maybe his plan didn't totally work, and now he's the embarrassed blushing one, but it's fine, it’s not like he's not grumpy that his amazing plan failed. 

Questions like these continued on for a while. 

"Your favorite crime you ever committed?" Alexandria asked.

"Well, once I stole a whole merry-go-round for Kim and Hirra to play on. They loved it, and Hirra still hangs out on it sometimes! But any one that means I get to see you is lovely." Shadows replied. And the hero flusters (success!). 

"What was your favorite agency mission?" Shadows asked. 

"Hmm, I really liked solving the mystery of the stolen Corinthian vase. It was one of Mender and I's first missions together, and and she taught me a lot about ancient Greek and Roman pottery that week. It was annoying that the thief escaped though. But to echo your words, any crime you commit is lovely." And the villain blushes (success!). "Dogs or cats?" She asked.

"Well, I like them both, but I think cats. They sort of remind me of Hirra if that makes sense." Shadows replied. No blush, but a cute parent moment, so… success! "Cats or dogs?" He echoed. 

"Dogs. I've always wanted one, and they wouldn't mess with my things as much, so dogs. Cats are… scary." Alexandria replied. No fluster, but this one was just for information, so… success!

But the two did have deeper questions as well, and Shadows was the first one to ask. 

"When did you decide to be a hero? Like, at what moment did you really want to be one?" Shadows asked, a bit nervous since it was a bit more deep than the previous questions. But Alexandria seemed perfectly fine with it, much to his relief. 

"Well, when I was little, I just wanted to help people, you know? I got a few nosebleeds trying to save the other kids from bullies, stuff like that. Then I started developing powers so the agency came and explained my parentage — grew up at an orphanage, my parents died when I was really young, you know?" she said the words so casually like they didn't really mean much to her, but he could tell from her face there was a deeper story. "So I decided to go to the academy at the time. It seemed like a good idea; I got to learn how to control my strength and just help people." 

Shadows’ face did not change, but internally, he knew from personal experience that that wasn't all there was to it. 

"And then I became a sidekick at 15, something I later fought against. But at the time it just seemed like the natural thing to do." That wasn't fully true, but it was a lot to explain, so she left it at that. 

Shadows had a lot of questions and thoughts whirling around in his head after all that, but he could tell this was a complicated subject and didn't press for more explanation. 

Alexandria did want the answer to the opposite question, why did he become a villain. She definitely planned to ask that later in the game, because she was only ready for one deep question at a time. Instead, she asked, "Why do you call me 'my lady'?" 

Shadows’ reply was not immediate, but the reaction was; his eyes widened and his skin colored as he tried to find a plausible reason to give her, before just giving up and telling the truth. 

"Well, it's two main things, I suppose. First, I wanted to flirt a bit, and it was more original than the stereotypical flirty villain calling the hero 'darling,'" he said the last word in a slight flirty tone, making Alexandria immediately fluster. "The bonus of this is that it makes you get all flustered, which is very cute and pretty." She glowed a bit more. "And, secondly," he looked the hero directly in her eyes, "I suppose I wished you were 'my lady'. I mean, we've established I have a 'crush' on you, and those often come with wanting to date the person in question." He finished his second point with a small smile in her direction, which of course made her get even more flustered (success!) and smile back.

It was normally a bit hard to tell when the hero was "blushing" due to her skin tone. Instead, she had a light glow, and it had become glaringly obvious (pun intended) this close when she was flustered. But it was his turn to ask a question, and as soon as he thought of it, his eyes had a noticeably devious glint. "Did it work?" he asked innocently. 

She looked up at him, her flustered state breaking due to confusion, "Did what work?"

"The pet name? Did my flirting work well? Would you be willing to someday go on a date with me, after a few more of these talks?" He said with a slight smirk, already having a guess as to her response. 

The flustered state immediately returned (success!) and she sputtered out an answer, "Um, well… yes, I guess. Well, not guess. I would like to go on a date with you! And you're very good at flirting — shoot, I didn't mean to say that out loud. I… you. I brought you flowers! What do you think Mr. 'Would you like to date me?’" She said the last part in a mocking voice, trying to recover, but it didn't work. 

"Ah, my apologies, my lady. It was quite foolish of me not to realize," He said with amusement. 

"Hey! No!" She wagged her finger at him like he was a naughty cat. "You don't get to do that anymore! It's run its course, you're done." 

Shadows was not done, "Oh no, my lady —" fluster, "I think I'll be keeping it now that I can see how well it works! In fact, I believe I'll be using it whenever I can, no matter how inappropriate the timing is." 

She glared at him, which would've been scary if not for the fact she'd become so flustered that her ears had slightly reddened. Whatever could've caused that? When he simply raised an amused and unimpressed eyebrow at her, she changed course. 

"Alright, well, did you like the flowers?!" She asked, hoping to throw him off. But all he did was gently put his hand over hers before reaching over to grab the vase. 

"They're beautiful. I love them," he said with a soft smile. "No one has ever given me flowers before."

Alexandria gasped in outrage at the statement. "That is ridiculous! Everyone deserves flowers, even stupid cute flirty villains." At that, he grinned up at her cutely. 

"You think I'm cute?" He asked with amusement and also delight. 

She pinched her nose, annoyed the villain was clearly winning at… whatever this was. "Well,, like… objectively." 

Shadows looked at her, already knowing exactly what to say. "Really? That's odd, since no one had called me cute since I was a child." 

The hero fell into the trap. "Well, that's also ridiculous! I mean, you have a sweet little nose, and freckles, and your hair is so pretty and — hey! Stop doing that!" she said, realizing what he'd done as he listened intently with a smile. 

"Alright, I'm sorry. But it was very sweet, my lady!" He replied, unable to resist one last quip. She looked at him disgruntled, though of course flustered (success!). "Now, I do believe it's my turn. What's your favorite season?" 

"Either winter, since I get to go sledding, or summer, because I get to swim. Oh, and also hot cocoa and lemonade are great!" She said shortly, still a bit flustered from all the earlier flirting. Shadows simply nodded in approval. 

"What about you? What's your favorite season?" She asked. 

"Well, they all have pros and cons, you know? Summer and winter are great for the reasons you said, but also are way too hot or cold. Spring and fall are nice, since I get to wear sweaters in fall and see the leaves, but everything is dying. In spring, everything is blooming and on some days you can still wear sweaters, but the ambiance is sort of interrupted by all the poor souls with allergies sneezing up a storm." Alexandria nodded in sympathy at that. While she wasn't allergic to pollen, she had friends who were, and they always seemed miserable in the spring. As one had put it whilst rubbing at their eyes, "Flowers pretty but itchy." 

Shadows continued his little speech. "So I guess they're all alright. I do agree that winter is quite nice, since no one can really commit crime then. It becomes a break of sorts." Alexandria knew exactly what he meant. Winter was also nice because everyone got a bit of a break; the cold forced a ceasefire, and even on the relatively warmer days villains chose not to commit crimes out of courtesy. 

It was now Shadows’ turn, and he had a question that'd been eating at him since he first saw Alexandria was breaking into his room. "What kind of flowers are these?"

Alexandria brightened at that. Her friend, who was a florist, had some extras and gave them to her. And they always went on long rants about flowers and their meanings, so she knew all there was to know about these. "They're white, camillas and carnations. They mean-" she cut herself off at that, realizing that neither of them were ready for a love confession (she wasn't even sure if she was there yet), so she needed to leave some of the meanings out. "They mean that I think you're adorable, and also that I have pure intentions." Shadows blushed at the confession, and gave her a light smile. 

Alexandria had that deep question sitting in her mind for a while, and she just couldn't contain it any longer. Hopefully it wouldn't ruin everything.  "Why did you become a villain? If you don't mind me asking, that is." 

Shadows blinked, surprised by the question. Clearly it'd been sitting in her mind since he first asked her the opposite. "Well… I didn’t grow up wanting to be a villain. In fact, it was the opposite. But…" He paused, unsure how to best explain. "I had this 'friend' in uni, he… ruined everything for me,” Shadow said before pausing. Just the memories alone were painful, but talking about it felt both better and worse at the same time.

“In our last semester of uni,” he continued, “I finally felt that my life was going the right way, and then he took that away from me. He destroyed all of the chances and opportunities I had for a good life. And the worst part was that he succeeded in every way. I ended up with no mentor, lost my bachelor’s degree, got expelled, and even though the person that had given me the job still wanted me, the Aura commission would not allow it.” 

He took a deep breath before continuing, looking at Alexandria for a second, who had wide and equally outraged eyes. "My parents never liked my powers, thinking they meant I was evil, which is stupid! So when they were 'proven right' by this, they cut me off."

“So I felt cornered, and alone, and sad, and didn’t know what to do. I left Nizorro and became a villain, the very same thing my parents had said I’d end up as. It was just for survival at first, but is now something that I do because I can help people through it. But anyway, originally I um… well… we, that being Kim and me, just came back to Nizorro so that they could go to university here. Then we took in Hirra, and I'd also reunited with some old friends, so we just stayed…”

He noticed Alexnadira’s expression, so hastily added, “But, don't feel too sorry for me! If I had the chance, I’d do the same thing again” he said with a light smile.

Alexandria was shocked to say the least, “What? After everything that happened to you? After your parents and fake friend? Why?”

“Kim and Hirra,” he said softly. Alexandria’s mind stopped for a moment but Shadows continued,  “I don’t even want to think what would have happened to those two, especially Hirra, if I wasn’t there as a villain at the right time and place.”

She smiled at the last bit, but still pulled him into a tight hug. "I’m so happy you found Kim and Hirra, but I wish you hadn't had to go through all that for that. It just sounds so terrible, and nobody deserves that, especially not someone as sweet and kind as you."  Shadows clung to her before pulling away in slight embarrassment. 

"Gosh, I'm clinging to you like a toddler when I don't even know your real name," he said, annoyed with himself. 

Alexandria looked at him for a moment and then said one word. "Alexa." 

He looked up at her in confusion. "What?"

"My name is Alexa. You don't have to give me yours, but I would like to have it some day." 

He thought for a moment, wondering if he trusted her before realizing: He had let her babysit his children. He had given her one of his biggest secrets freely; very few people knew about his past. And she trusted him enough to give him part of her civilian name. So he obviously trusted her. "Lukas. My name is Lukas."

Alexa smiled at him before her phone suddenly pinged. "Well, it was nice talking to you, Lukas. Very lovely name, by the way. But I'm afraid I have to go or my sidekick will come looking for me." She moved to the window, which he unlocked with a button on his watch, before waving. "Bye! Also, don't read all the notes I wrote, they're stupid and embarrassing."

Lukas was absolutely going to read those notes, but all he did was nod and reply, "I’m absolutely going to read those notes.” The crime-fighter groaned. “Have a nice night, Alexa." As soon as she was out the window and sight, he rushed to the nightstand the flowers were on and collected all the crumpled notes on it.  

"Dear Shadow Wraith, I think you're really cute and it seems like you maybe feel the same? You don't have to or anything but my sidekick is very smart so it seems likely. But anyways —" the note cut off. 

He read every single one, and determined 3 main things. 

One: Alexa feels her sidekick is one of the smartest people in the world (how sweet!). 

Two: Alexa also thinks that about Lukas (that made him blush). 

Three: Lukas is very sweet/cute/adorable/kind/amazing/etc (which also madke him blush, though he smiled a bit since he knew the confession made her blush as well). 

Thank goodness he had such a good security system, otherwise they may have never had this talk and he would have had to wait even longer to get her name (not that he would've minded). 

—

Alexa was met with an interrogation when she got back to her and her sidekick's shared room. 

"Where were you?" Sadie asked as soon as she entered. 

"I was on patrol, like I said." Alexa calmly replied, taking off her mask and grabbing some sweatpants and a shirt to change into (she had come in through the window, which Sadie had apparently been expecting). 

Sadie immediately raised her eyebrows. "You sure about that?" Alexa simply nodded in response, closing the door to the bathroom so she could change and quickly use the toilet. When she came back out, Sadie was on her bed, staring her down. 

"Well, I called the agency to double-check since when you do late patrols you typically only do small ones for just an hour or two. It’s 12:15. You left around when the text was sent, so 8:57. It had been over 2 hours, so I was worried, so I called the agency at 11:47. They said you hadn't done a patrol since earlier today.” Sadie stared her down. “Where were you?" 

Alexa was caught, but had a plan to get out of it. "Isn't that my business?" she rhetorically asked. 

Sadie hummed before answering. "Yes, but you don't have to lie. All you had to say was 'I'm going out for a while', but you felt the need to cover your tracks. Now the question is, what tracks are you covering?" she asked, brown eyes drilling into the other hero's soul. 

"Well, why don't you tell me, Detective Sadie?" Alexa asked, dodging the question. 

"Well, your flowers are missing.” She nodded in the direction of the empty vase. “Were you giving them to someone? A date, perhaps?"  

Alexa had 3 moves here. Tell the truth, say she had a date, or come up with a different lie. 

"I didn't have a date. I was bringing them back to my friend, Firefly, you know, the florist, since they were from a new supplier and she wanted to check for quality." Lie, it was from the same usual supplier and had been extras from a wedding. "I forgot to bring them back, but they'll probably want to do a few experiments on them anyway, so it's fine." 

Sadie blinked at her, an impassive poker face put on. "Fine. I'm not sure if I believe you, but it's your business. Just don't do anything dangerous… though I'm not really sure how flowers could be dangerous. Maybe you could fasten them into an arrow, like in that one Norse myth." Oh, Alexa had an opening. 

"Could you tell me that one again? I can't fully remember it…"

Sadie leapt up and grabbed a rolling whiteboard from the other room. "Okay, so listen." She began drawing a few images on the board. They'd probably be up a bit late, but tomorrow they were planning to take a day off anyway, so it wasn't too bad.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[amongusjaeger]

Hi guyssss I don’t really post but I wanted to post SOMETHING so that blogs i follow can see that i’m not a bot or anything, but here’s a small intro of who I am !!!!!

SO I won’t be revealing my actual name for safety and privacy, but you guys can call me B!! i’m about to turn 20 in september and I am a music major in college so that’s pretty cool !

I’m a kpop stan and a skz/Felix ult, he’s such a cutie pie I love him so much!! I also really love anime and Attack On Titan, but i’ve been kinda straying away from it as I wait for the next part of the anime to come out (I’ve finished the manga tho).

To any authors reading this, I want to let you know that I appreciate your hard work so much; you all work so hard and are incredibly talented writers. I am pretty shy, so I don’t know if i’ll start to actually use this blog? I’ve had it for like 2 years now so maybe I should start to post and make some friends!!!

Anyways, MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL <333 Thanks for reading babies ! :)

[witchytrin]

'*•.¸♡ About me | stats ♡¸.•*'

I'm spiraling headfirst into my relapse so I figured I'd introduce myself:

My name is Trinity, I'm 24. I'm a mixed black woman, lesbian and living with the love of my life. We have a black cat named Binx, I work in food service, I can usually be found at home enjoying my rent, gaming, or out at my local nature reserve because touching grass is actually really important.

Interests/hobbies:

Grew up playing and love playing video games. Skyrim mostly but I love games like Animal Crossing, Coral Island, the God of War series, Dead by Daylight, Breath of the Wild, etc. I spend almost as much of my time modding Skyrim as I do playing. I love plants, crystals, nails, tattoos, and horror. I love wearing black, it makes me feel safe and confident and being a lil intimidating doesn't hurt. Scares off fake folks :P This is also my only social media unless you count pinterest. I have a POC thinspo board if anyone is interested!

Stats:

- 52 lbs total

Height: 5'7"

HW: 240 lbs | 108.86 kg ~ September 2023

SW: 196 lbs | 88.9 kg ~ November 2024

CW: 187.4 lbs | 85 kg

LW: 118lbs | 53.5 kg

GW1: 180lbs | 84.7 kg

GW2: 170 lbs | 77.1 kg

GW3: 160 lbs | 72.6

My tentative UGW is: 154 lbs | 70 kg

ED History in a nutshell:

My ED was born from the perfect storm of terrible self esteem, mommy issues, feeling out of control of my life and eventually not caring if I lived or not by the time l was 18. My ED was just one of my self destructive behaviors in my teens but definitely the most life altering clearly because here I am on edbir at 24 snd I don't know that l'll ever really get better.

Started restricting at 14

Continued restricting and started working out compulsively by 16

Added fasting to the mix at 17 and only walked because I would almost pass out if I did anything more strenuous

Hit my lowest weight and my rock bottom depression wise at 18

Had my come to jesus moment after attempting to do a 96 hour fast, having to break it at 92 and then not even being able to keep the oatmeal I broke it with down. I was exhausted, running late for school again and I couldn't even ride my bike to make it time in fear l'd pass out into the street and traumatize somebody. Not out of fear for my life, that was the morning it clicked how sick I truly was.

Recovered for about a year on my own until covid, being moved across states during the pandemic and instead of relapsing into ana behaviors, I spiraled into a full blown binge eating disorder.

I tried to "healthily" lose weight off and on throughout the next 3 years when I wasn't ignoring my weight entirely, picked up a nicotine addiction, a bit of an alcohol problem for a year and just kept getting worse.

Injured my back and ended up in a really unhealthy roommate dynamic with a coke addicted alcoholic and that's when I think the need for control kicked off my most recent weight loss journey and I did my 31 day liquid fast and lost the first 20 lbs in that month.

I got out of that situation, then went through a breakup, moved back in with my dad and lost a lil more weiaht but plateaued for the most part

Moved in with my future wife, stopped caring what I ate, started overeating + binging again and gained 15 lbs of "happy weight"

I realized about a month ago that I was 4 lbs from being 200 again in the Dr's office and I think that was the exact moment I relapsed to be honest. Now I'm here :P

Boundaries:

I have no interest in interacting with minors, you really shouldn't be on my blog but I also can't stop you. I will block under 18 blogs. Respectfully, there’s nothing for us to talk about and you should seek community with people your age.

I'm not interested in competing, this is just for me to get this shit out of my head and maybe find some folks who understand. I'm not trying to out disorder anyone, I'm not trying to die, I'm not trying to be the sickest and I'm not going to sit here and pretend this shit is romantic. It's absolutely tragic I'll never have a truly have a healthy relationship food and I'm fully aware I'm fucked up. Point being, l'm never going to intentionally push anyone to be sicker. None of us should be here to begin with. This is about not completely losing my grip on my sanity, that's all.

[kaddyssammlung]

I feel like writing down some childhood bs today.

And also...sry to bring up mental health again....I do that sometimes more often and sometimes not. Just for those who are new to my blog. But I always hide everything.

TW: cocsa

if you don't know what that means then better not read it. This topic is horrible and I'm okay if no one ever reads this. It could really be a lot to take in so please keep that in mind!

It's childhood sa related so... I also bring up sh

We all have done some sh*t at some point. Right?!

The sh*t that I did, or at least that's how I remember it now, is very aweful.

A little backup...

My parents worked a lot when I was younger. They had this “out of sight – out of mind” mentality. I do remember spending a lot of time at friend's houses / places.

One of those friends dad, well actually it was her step-dad, maybe I should mention that....not that it changes much because it's still incest. Anyway...

He was predator and (why is this so hard to write down...even in English....). He sexually abused us. I have memories of being alone and also not being alone.

The latter ones feel like the bigger problem. I do remember being forced to things to my friend while he was there. The guilt that I feel to this very day is literally what's eating me from the inside. I have so many scars in weird places because I wanted to just cut all of it away. The guilt and also the shame and because I deserve the punishement. I don't want to give into this anymore. It does not help.

And also...since I was able to let myself talk into this, to do this to her, I don't know if I hurt someone else as well. Too much to handle...I mean feeling into this. I can't...I dissociate when I try to go there, or it get a panic attack.

Of course you can say that, he was an adult and he made me do it...or my parents should have noticed that my weird behaviors meant that something was wrong....but part of me still thinks: I could have said no.

Over the past few weeks I can feel that those layers of guilt are slowly, very slowly dissolving. I hope I can see all of this with clarity soon. Right now....this very moment it still gives me the urge to hurt myself because I deserve it.

I'm writing this down because this topic is a giant taboo. And...if no one ever talks about it then how is anything going to get better?!

I did Kerry's “beyond forgiveness” course and it really helped to start initiate something new but I'm still dealing with this.

Writing this from like 50% inner strength but also from pain so...sorry for even writing it down and thank you to anyone who read that.

That friend btw...I have not seen her again. We had a big fight more then 20 years ago...heck 25 years ago?! And have never spoken one word to each other so....

I hope she is doing alright.....

[l-sincline]

Mouthwashing ramblerant under the cut bc I wanted to put my words into my void of a blog

Okay first of all finished watching a playthrough of the game last night and it was stunning I cried several times and loved it and I am generally extremely impressed BUT something that I noticed while I was watching was that I really felt that like, anyone under 20 who hadn’t graduated any school yet really would not get the whole game and that is wholly exacerbated to me by how laser focused everyone seems to be on Anya and her part in the story.

That is not to say that Anya’s part isn’t important, but rather her part is one piece in a larger puzzle. Mouthwashing isn’t just about the patriarchy and man v woman, it’s really largely about the negative effect of capitalism and being a part of the working class (or middle and lower class). However, I also think these aspects of the game are harder to understand if you are not like, fully out in the world adulting with school put behind you. When you finally finish school theres this sense of accomplishment for a brief moment, and then that dread sets in when you hit month six at your job not at all related to what you got your degree in and suddenly the weight of capitalism is entirely on you. And I think this massive chunk of the story is really explored by the other characters.

In Swansea we get this bittered older man who’s maybe reaching retirement age but is generally sick of his job and ready to be done with it. In his final moments we hear the details about how he used to be a drunkard and how awful it was, all the pain he went through then. He decided to go sober because society told him that if he just straightened out and pulled himself together enough to settle down and work a classic 9 to 5 and support his family, he would be much happier. In the end, he came to this conclusion that he actually wasn’t happy with his work at all, and that everything society had told him about work and feeling fulfilled through working was bullshit; so even though he didn’t like being drunk all the time, those ended up being the happiest moments of his life because at least it was all by the hand of himself instead of a mega corp.

In Daisuke you get the story of a young kid that really doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. He feels unfulfilled, he lives with his parents, probably has never really been away from them, so when they point him in the direction of an internship, he’s kind of just set up to give into the apathy of life and just go work an awful job— because what else can he do? So often students get to the end of their schooling and feel directionless, like they missed the chapter on how to actually get the job doing what they love. And then you wonder if that means you deserve that job at all. And actually, what you love wouldn’t make you a lot of money anyways, so you should just pick something steady that pays decently. Thats all you can ask for.

And man, Jimmy and Curly. Their conversation in the cockpit towards the start of the game is really an encapsulation of how the entire crew has been affected. You spend so long climbing up one ladder, when you realize you cant see the top or bottom, you have to decide if you’re just going to keep trying to reach the top or if you’re just going to take the leap of faith and start all over on another ladder. But what if you miss the ladder? What if this ladder is even taller, even worse than the last? Do you keep jumping ladders until it’s time to retire and you’ve accumulated nothing but a deep sense of failure? Do you just pick a rung to sit on and mourn never making a decision for yourself and just following the whims of capitalism and mega corps your whole life?

And all of this affects Anya too. A woman now stuck with a baby she didn’t want. A woman who will lose her job if they ever touch down again. A woman who will have to deal with the societal pressure of what to do with her unwanted baby. A woman that tried her best, but was still told it wasn’t good enough. Shes the woman that looks at her hierarchy and realizes there isn’t another woman to be seen at her job for miles. A woman working a job so male oriented that it doesn’t see the point of locking doors to sleeping areas or making sure that a woman isn’t alone on a long flight surrounded by men. A woman that has to sit there and wonder if she worked so hard her entire life just for those corporations she worked so hard for to still hate her.

Anyways. Thats my Mouthwashing rant. Too many people not noticing the overall importance of capitalism v the working class in the story. Thanks for coming

[bodywyrcs]

You cannot hate yourself into becoming a better version of you❤️

I've been going back and forth with how to start this blog today, and straight to the point seems the best way.

Its a conversation that has cropped up in both my counselling and sports therapy clinics recently. I often see people who hate how they feel, how they look or simply who they are; who call themselves all the names under the sun but wouldn't think twice about using that language on their nearest and dearest; and who tear themselves apart in front of me for the shame of expecting someone else to care about them. They overflow with compassion for everyone else, but run dry when it comes to themselves.

Change seems impossible. But carrying on without change is unbearable. So what do we do?

Unfortunately, I think we've been convinced somewhere along the line that for our self-esteem to improve we need external approval. By sacrificing our own needs for those of everyone around us we might become likeable? Perhaps if we lose a shed-load of weight, run a gnarly ultra-marathon, or win a big promotion in work people might think better of us? And maybe *THEN* - once we've truly proven our worth to everyone - we might be happy! But in my eyes, that's all upside down and back to front.

You see the problem is, self-loathing is never satisfied. In my late 20s I lost a lot of weight, I got a LOT of compliments and it powered me up. But I didn't *like* myself. I was starving myself and then using exercise to make up for when I was 'bad' - to the point I used up all my iron stores and became quite unwell (and OHMYGOD I was a diet bore! Sorry friends, you were very patient!). But the nice comments kept coming, so it fed my belief that I was doing the right thing.

Of course, being fuelled by other peoples perceptions isn't sustainable, because once you've achieved one thing, what next? How will you impress everyone again and continually prove your worth? It never ends. And the need for external praise and positive judgement means when it goes in the opposite direction it feels SO MUCH WORSE. Which is exactly what happened when a relationship at the time went bad and I piled the weight back on. A new sort of punishment! And so the cycle continued!

And that's a loooong way of saying, you are not a before or after photo. You are the one and only version of you. Right now. And learning to love, or just like and simply appreciate that person is the most important thing you can spend your energy on.

Because -and this is the bit I stake my whole being on - positive and sustainable change can only come from a place of true self-care and the absolute *BELIEF* that you are worth the effort. If you go to the gym to hurt or punish yourself, how long is that going to last? How long until the motivation disappears in a puff of smoke? But if you go to the gym because you value yourself; because you want to improve your strength; because you enjoy the feeling of using your muscles and pushing yourself towards new goals...then there's your incentive, no doubt! Self-care should never minimise who you are, and the people worth keeping around will never expect you to squash yourself into a smaller box to keep them happy.

The thing is, learning to value ourselves is HARD, especially if the negative inner-voice is well practised and LOUD. But if we don't learn to value ourselves and (heaven forbid) LOVE ourselves, why would we ever invest time and energy into looking after ourselves properly? And I'm not just talking about physical health, I'm thinking about boundaries, rest, creativity, and all the fun stuff inbetween. If we don't respect and understand ourselves, how do we know what we truly *need* or what we actually *enjoy* doing in the first place?

This last month I've LOVED seeing the talk on the Paralympics and the Olympics about self-care. These highly driven, outcome-focused individuals talking openly about taking time out to improve self-esteem and understand their mental health has been AMAZING.

But you don't need to be an elite athlete to be worthy of self-care and love. You simply need to exist, as you are - and maybe do a little bit of work to challenge those negative thoughts and get to know yourself better. There is no "correct" way to do it, its all trial and error and exploring what works for you. I started (years ago) by doing a guided meditation every day off YouTube for 10 minutes to calm my head down and understand what I actually needed - there are LOADS out there and they are FREE! Writing down those negative thoughts can help to get them out of your head - then go back later and challenge each one as if you're defending your closest, oldest friend. Come up with a morning mantra and tell yourself it in the mirror everyday. Book in a regular treat to show yourself that you care. Maybe consider some counselling to get you started if you feel you need guidance. It might not be comfortable to begin with, but small, regular and achievable action is the way to go. You can change the way your brain is wired, but it takes time - and that is most definitely something worth investing in.