#maybe I can use social expectation to actually make this a habit lmao

[shaunashipman]

I don’t mean this as a diss, but I feel like if certain buddie shippers get buddie they still won’t be satisfied? I hope that makes sense. It’s just as a lurker in this fandom there’s a clear difference in both sides. One keeps moving goal posts (as others said) and quite literally conspiring every little thing in interviews, actors social media, and even plotting against people, and I know the others aren’t innocent all the way but they’re handling their ship with a more open minded attitude. I guess what I’m trying to say is if their day does come of a canon buddie, don’t they think they should calm down a little? Maybe it’s just me but carrying all these negative emotions and unleashing them so big before what they’re calling the “path to Buddie” but I don’t think I’d be completely satisfied celebrating. And then I worry their expectations are too big for what the actors and writers can deliver, especially if it’s hard to break from their habit as shippers.

oh they most definitely won't be satisfied, they've built it up too big. they'd cheer in the moment, however it would happen, but by the next episode, when it doesn't become the Buddie Show and their relationship isn't shown exactly as they pictured, they'll riot. because they want a fanfic played out by the actors, not the actual show

and I think the bucktommy side has taken notice and we've consciously tried to do the opposite. yeah, some of us were probably disappointed we didn't get more of them in the last two eps (🙋‍♀️) but the majority of us had been sure to temper our expectations in all our theorizing, so we were more than happy with what we did get; even with all my thoughts on how s8 will go, I still remind myself that Lou isn't confirmed yet, there could still be a between seasons break up, whether for creative or practical reasons. I'd be extremely disappointed, and think it would make very little sense from a creative pov giving where they left off, but it's still something I keep in mind (if at the very back lmao) and I think a lot of others do too

it kind of sucks that we do have to basically add these disclaimers, when before fandom would just understand that, even with canon ships, 99% of what we speculated was never going to happen, but with the wall between the cast/crew and the fans being so eroded, it's important to keep it in mind

[aimeelouart]

Daily thumbnails - 7.22.22

[oliviamillss]

reading dreams chart

im only going to use up to orb 3, for stronger accuracy lmao

**if you can’t be bothered to read it all, theres a summary paragraph at the bottom**

sun:

sun in 7th: strong emphasis on relationships. tends to copy others lingo/habits. extroverted. probably ‘needs’ others. only really shows his true self around his close friends/family/partners. 

sun at 19 degrees: a libra degree. (emphasis on this bc libra rules 7h), makes him a very charming, likeable, particularly popular guy.

sun opposite ascendant: inner conflict, probably doesn’t feel like people see him for his true self, may struggle showing true self. may feel misunderstood. may need approval/validation a lot.

sun square mars: hints to daddy issues. may struggle with a lot of built up anger and frustration, but it seems like he takes it out very positively, as you can see he is competitive, so i think he lets it out through gaming. probably very energetic, motivated.

sun square saturn: high expectations for himself. probably the type of person to think ‘i’m only good enough if i do this’. probably very hard on himself. also probably very insecure of himself, but doesn’t show it. another sun square masculine planet, more hinting to daddy issues.

moon:

moon in 7th: probably relies on close friends/family/partners a lot. loves to help people, esp people he’s close with (kinda mr beast vibes). probably very like ‘oh shit, he’s sad, i need to do everything within my power to cheer him up’ if that makes sense lmao

moon in virgo: looking after people!!! esp with the sun square saturn,, high expectations. probably a very much perfectionist, which also explains why he is competitive. may ‘always need to be right’. but virgo moons are actually so lovely omfg

moon at 9 degrees: sagittarius degree, likes to help people by optimism, and giving things to the person that they would want (im aware that sounds obvious lmao). probably feels a sense of achievement when cheers them up.

moon square pluto: probably hard time dealing with and growing from negative things that have happened, possibly struggles with letting things go. possibly self destructive (why did that one heatwaves part come to mind), possible trust issues + anxiety, probably very particular about who he lets close into his life, maybe quite protective. 

mercury:

mercury in 6th: likes to help people, probably not disappointed if he spends his time working with someone, may struggle with anxiety/depression. a quick learner, probably overthink every word because it wast the ‘perfect’ thing to say. 

mercury in leo: funny asf, and out there, also thinks his ideas/things to respond and say are the best, with the 6h and 7h placements, he is open to listen to others, but in the end he only really wants his one lmfao, good with conversation.

mercury at 1 degree: aries degree, another fire placement which emphasises the loud, out there kinda vibes.

mercury trine mc: career and reputation are strongly linked with what he says. (this is obv bc hes famous lmao). he’s smart, particularly with technology and its linked to his career. *im aware this sounds like im just describing him, this is exact so thats why its overly accurate*

mercury opposite neptune: daydreamer, probably has a lot of thoughts and ideas in his head, but they just dont come across right. probably zones out, may struggle with focusing. but very creative, has big and creative ideas. i havent mentioned it before but its come up too many times now, but he has a lot of placements, when manifested badly, creates a good manipulator

mercury square jupiter: optimistic, possibly thinks his ideas are the best (we’ve covered that before), can be really overly talkative or just nothing at all. (i rlly dont know much about this placement)

venus:

venus in 7th: he will have a beautiful relationship with his future partner. charming asfff, probably a good flirt. tends to love love. needs to be liked, sort of a pleaser. 

venus in virgo: the type of person to remember everything about the people he cares about. loves to help the people he cares about. probably sees the people he truly loves as ‘perfect’, which may end up being really bad if they’re toxic. 

venus in retrograde: struggles feeling loved, possibly feels like he doesn’t deserve love. probably the type to be like ‘how could you ever love me?’

venus square mc: attract people who take care of him. either has self-esteem issues, or is quite a dependant person. creative. may struggle finding people who support his career, or may have to change a few things about himself to be liked by others. 

venus trine jupiter: very likeable, and he’s veryyy lucky. he’s funny, and a generous person, probably very giving to his close friends and family. charismatic asfff, likely he will marry someone foreign. 

mars:

mars in 9th: more things hinting to attract(ing/ed to) foreigners. loves experiencing things with people he cares about. likes to learn more and more, possibly stubborn, makes sure his opinions are known.

mars in scorpio: that boy needs privacy in his life, doesn’t like being predictable. probably an overthinker. we’ve already known this but he’s definitely a top. probably could get anyone he wants, seductive asfff. also pretty spiteful.

mars at 17 degrees: leo degree, fame bitchesss

mars square ascendant: hates to lose, competitive. people may be intimidated by him at first, can’t really hide anger, pretty stubborn.

mars opposite saturn: really hard on himself. wants to be the best of the best, leader. stands up for himself. another placement hinting to daddy issues. harsh about his work, and himself in general, perfectionist. 

mars square uranus: anger may change a lot, a lot of energy, probably struggles to focus, doesn’t like to be the one who is being controlled/has restrictions. probably struggles with authority. outbursts of anger.

jupiter

jupiter in 3rd house: loves writing, and is actually pretty good at it. knows how to talk to people, how to persuade them, and how to manipulate them. good liar, knows how to sell his wants across, how to get what he wants.

jupiter at 4 degrees: cancer degree, cancer rules his 6h. he uses his luck/money to help others.

jupiter square neptune: big dreams, desire to escape the world as it is.

saturn:

saturn in 3rd: afraid of/ is often misunderstood. struggles to open up?, maybe he wasn’t listened to much growing up. hard on himself academically, feels like he isn’t smart enough. hard time expressing himself. maybe feels like noone really cares for what he has to say?

saturn at 16 degrees: cancer degree. idk what else to say abt it lmaoo

saturn square ascendant: quite serious, maybe struggle with the way he looks? possibly quite overwhelmed about his life,, feels like he has too much to do at times. fear of rejectionnn

saturn square uranus: maybe he doesn’t like change, tradition v change clashing. authority troubles. probably needs freedom, but feels unstable without what he’s used to. rebelling against norms. 

uranus: 

uranus in 12th: probably very curious about unexplainable things, maybe quite into conspiracy theories. two complete ends of the spectrum: fear change/need it, unpredictable things happen/ everythings the same. 

uranus at 14 degrees: taurus. taurus ruling 2nd, i guess it shows change in dream’s wealth.

uranus opposite north node (and conj south node): with exceptions, doesn’t like conflict. he is fine with joke conflict, but the second there’s an actual argument he tries to be the ‘peacemaker’ guy. technology is major in his life. also quite nervous about his career/future. 

neptune:

neptune in 12th: awful sleep schedule. overworking himself, never relaxing. vivid dreams. once again, this has come up loads and i just haven’t mentioned it: intuitive asf, george is the same. whether either are aware of it or not, they are super intuitive.

neptune at 2 degrees: taurus degree.

neptune sextile mc: creative, also likes helping others, empathy to the public. has big dreams career wise. 

pluto:

pluto in 10th: determined person, gets a lot of hate, but also a lot of love. trust issues, persuasion/manipulative abilities. leader leader leader. another hint to daddy issues, maybe privacy invading, maybe overprotective. don’t want to be controlled.

north node:

north node in 6th: overwork himself. but i think we can interpret this as his life goal to be working to help people. literally mr beast. just work hard, and give a lot away. humble.

chiron:

chiron in 9th: possible restriction from either his or his communities beliefs/religions. maybe he’s afraid of leaving where he is right now (sapnap moving to orlando, whenever its brought up its always george coming to orlando)

lilith:

lilith in sagittarius: need for truth. dislikes restrictions. hides emotions, uses humour to avoid them/ make people think they’re okay when they’re not. stubborn asf. 

lilith in 10th: tend to be sexualised/ reputations for being sexual. another placement hinting to daddy issues. really wants to be at the top, the most powerful. likes using his dominance/ power to seduce. motivateddd.

lilith conjunct pluto (exact omfg): typical ‘mystery’ guy. probably the mystery/scorpio vibes he pulls off attracts/ seduces people. the most dominant partner ever. sex is probably so intense and overwhelming

moon square lilith: possible mummy issues. his need for sex can change quick asf, from one end of the scale to another. struggles to open up. 

 i ought to mention!!

there’s a theory that the degree of your venus sign is the birthday of someone who is v important in your life. what’s dreams you may ask? 1. and when are george and sapnap’s birthdays? the 1st. they’re soulmates, your honour.

summary!!!

basically, dream has so much care and love for his friends and family, and probably relies on them a lot. he only shows his true self around them, and he (at least thinks) people don’t really understand him in the way his friends and family do. he is a social person, who’s very likeable and charming. he lovesss helping people, doing everything in his power to cheer others up, he remembers details about the people he loves. he is such a perfectionist, needing to succeed and win and everything, and is very competitive. he probably doesn’t think he’s ‘worthy’ if he’s bad at something. he sets very high expectations for himself. he is very hard on himself. if he wants to, he knows how to manipulate people. he has so so many placements for an amazing manipulator. he may struggle to express himself or open up, and may be hard on himself academically. maybe he doesn’t feel ‘listened to’. a lot of emotions like anger and sex drive may change rapidly for him. he over works himself a lot. a major theme in his life is tradition vs change. he is probably afraid of change, or finds it uncomfortable, or he may have some sort of attachment to traditional values/things, no matter how much he wants to change. he is also a peacemaker. he was born to be loved or hated, kinda like marmite but if the balance was more equal. he doesn’t like restrictions. he uses humour to hide his emotions.

im also thinking of doing a synastry reading between george and dream but idk yet lol

hope you guys enjoyed, this took ages lmao<3

[acatastrophicmess]

Human Grim Headcanons

Hi, since Human Grim is the shit now I can offer stuff I have been holding in about in ever since October 2020. Fun. Please remember that this is just my interpretation of him and you don’t need to agree with me, especially since my headcanons can go buckwild, lol.

Note: Some of these headcanons are related to an AU wherein if Grim was the protagonist instead and Yuu/MC never transported into Twst. Still debating on whether to share that AU yet.

So I’m going to start with the fact that I don’t exactly know when he would turn into a human in the storyline. I would say in the middle but yeah still unsure on that. Let’s assume that he does.

One thing that I like to interpret about Human Grim is how he develops when he is a human. I’m going to admit that I feel like if Grim were to become human he would learn a lot more about himself. It basically means that he is going through puberty or something along those lines where as his human senses develop his emotional capacity develops.

I also don’t know how Adeuce or first year friends would react to the situation. At first they may have to babysit Human Grim a lot because he still has a lot of his cat traits and habits carry into his current form. When they get used to it, I expect Ace to teach him a lot of shit and then being scolded by Deuce if Grim actually does the shit.

Here it comes, what I would see Human Grim’s personality as, this is going to get a bit wild. When he starts, he would still be the same arrogant, glutton of a cat we all know and love, fumbling around with trying to get used to his new body.

However, this is where the AU part of everything comes in. I will repeat that in this AU, Yuu/MC never transported into Twst so Grim has to deal with all the stuff that MC did. Which means, a lot of character development.

He would learn how, emotional humans can be, both himself and the dorm leaders overblotting. Grim was never a being that gets emotional nor thinks about emotions. Whenever he encounters a new overblot, he wonders why those people feel that way in the aftermath. It is exacerbated when he starts feeling those emotions too. Feelings of true happiness, love even when it is platonic, possessiveness, sadness, etc. He is a bit confused on how he deals with each one, but he’ll get there.

During those times, I feel like he would be more quiet and reserved. This is a very uncharacteristic thing I know but my guy is basically going through emotional awakening just go with it. He would also end up becoming a bit more awkward, as he learns more about human common sense and social queues. Lmao, I remember thinking up a headcanon of him wherein one day he WILL get embarrassed if remembering his ramblings about being The Great Grim. (He still has that mindset though, just not as public as it was.)

In a clumsy conclusion, Human Grim without Yuu/MC is just a journey. You have this cat that has no sense of his past or anything really, turning into a human. Additionally, he has to deal with his new classmates and school mates overblotting. This pushes him into a search of his own feelings, as well as what he is. In the end, he is a human cat, who has trouble expressing his emotions but has the spirit. Sometimes exasperated by being asked to deal with overblots, but still cares about his friends in his own reserved way. His goal is still the same, becoming The Greatest Magician, however it has different reasons under it now. A more human reason.

Other Things

His eating doesn’t exactly translate well into human form. He still eats those rocks without people looking but in general he forgets he is not supposed to be eating inedible objects. He would argue it does nothing to his system, but those overblot stones definitely will.

He is fascinated from having thumbs.

Because he is a Yuu/MC now, he shares the same tiredness of having to deal with other people’s problems.

I cannot express how emotionally stunted he is, someone give this man a fucking talk on human behaviors.

He gets excited whenever he gets to learn at least something new related to his form.

He is still a feral. That’s just a Grim thing.

His magic in this new form has increased. I do have his unique magic in mind but that is another story for later.

We all know the whole Tsunotaro thing right. His reason for friendship with Malleus is because he somehow relates to how lonely Malleus is. Grim still feels a bit far from being a human during these times so Malleus is a bit of a breathe of fresh air.

Learning human manners was the bane of his existence, especially writing.

Is it okay if I make him 172 centimeters? ಠ_ಠ

You already saw what his dorm outfit was on my last post.

I hope you enjoyed reading these, next time it is either i’m sharing more about this concept and maybe the AU I have.

P.S.: I fucking love him bros this isnt funny anymore.

[daephilawrites]

Akutagawa having a crush on the Port Mafia’s nurse HCs 

Requested by @justxrin

Format: Headcannons

Genre: Fluff

A/N: Thank you so much for request! I had so much fun writing this, the idea is so perfect, and yes Akutagawa deserves the love! Also, pardon me if I messed up some medical terms and if I made Aku OOC. 

(◍•ᴗ•◍)✧*。

Ever since Akutagawa joined the Mafia, he was subject to numerous check ups considering the fact that he has weak lungs from growing up in the slums. 

It’s usually Mori who checks his condition, but then Mori decided to get an assistant.

The first time he heard of Mori getting a new assistant, he was rather indifferent with it. He's already pretty used to Mori checking up on him and he doesn't need a new person to do the same. After all it just means he had to talk to someone new and the concept of socializing tires him, plus he's too busy trying to get Dazai's attention.

On the other hand, you were just some "lucky" fellow who was chosen by Mori to be the Mafia's nurse. It was a dangerous job, but you agreed nevertheless. You're doing it for the money after all, and the pay is quite high.

The first time you and Akutagawa officially met was during the Mafia's regular check up and you were responsible in helping Mori record data.

You were casually engaging in small talk within the members while recording their BMI, their eating habits, their allergies, etc. You asked about their day, comforted them, gave advice, and cracked a few jokes.

Akutagawa, on the other hand, was drawn to your charisma. Unlike Mori, who was cold, you were warm and kind, like a beam of light that shines within a dark place. He was interested in you, but he never showed it.

Since he had a lung condition, he was advised to have check ups more often than the other members of the mafia. Not that he minded, in fact he saw this as an opportunity to talk to you.

Within the span of months, you two were already close to each other that others could even tell. 

He new about your family, the things you like, your hobbies, and that made him fall for you. You’re personality is beautiful and free. He wondered how strong you are, how you managed to survive this wretched world and he adored you for that. He loved how caring you are, how you manage to make everyone around you smile and that’s what made him fall for you.

And you loved him too. You don't know what or why you were so drawn into his energy, but you did. Maybe it's because he's a man of words? Whatever it is, you want to keep him safe.

On the other hand, Akutagawa, though he loves you, he's not the type to show it or say it. He's trained to keep his guard up, and he wouldn't let a mere crush distract him, or would he?

One day, Mori had came to the realization that an opposing agency with a speed increasing ability user has came to sabotage the delivery of weapons for the Mafia. Therefore said, he sent Akutagawa and Higuchi to eliminate them.

While Higuchi dealt with the minions, Akutagawa came for the ability user. However, that specific move was not calculated properly as he had an extremely hard time landing a scratch on the ability user.

Thought he actually managed to do so, he received a huge scratch on the side of his abdomen and the wounds were very deep.

That being said, he was aware that he's losing a huge amount of blood, as his vision starts blurring and he feels himself growing dizzy.

Higuchi, being the best side kick (dibs on my girl, she’s so pretty AAA-), tried to persuade help him but he's too stubborn.

"Akutagawa-senpai, we need to patch your wounds immediately. I'll drive you to the-"

"I don't need a doctor. I can stand on my own."

"But senpai-"

"sHUT-"

And then he passed out. Big Oof.

Higuchi took matters into her own hands and decided to drop Akutagawa on your clinic.

And that's where you came in the scene.

You were both pissed and concerned. How could this man forget that health exists just because he's too eager to prove something to someone who doesn't even deserve his attention?

You carefully placed him on a bed and proceeded to clean the wounds and then stich them together.

It was obviously painful so it woke him up. And now that he's awake, he's gonna be dramatic as fuck.

Remember that one chapter in BSD Wan where he gets all capricious? Yeah that.

And he's blushing too much while you were patching up his wounds. It worried you because you thought the wounds were infected and he was sick.

"Akutagawa-senpai, are you okay? You're red."

"I-it's nothing."

"... Okay..."

You two were awkward as hell since ya'll are in close proximity towards each other. But you still focused on his wounds because aside from the fact that it's literally your job, you were also concerned of his health. And you didn't notice that he was actually talking till you paid attention to his voice.

And then he slips up and confesses to you.

"Y/N, I never received this kind of kindness before... Thank you... I'm just gonna let you know how much I love you."

And you were there like, :O. You totally didn't expect that. You were too awkward and you didn't know what to say so you just stared at him like a deer in the headlights.

He was about to die of embarrassment when you didn't reply LMAO. But you were fast enough to reply that you felt the same.

"... Akutagawa-senpai, I didn't expect you to feel the same way as I do... Thank you."

And that's when you first saw the most sincere smile he gave you. He only smiles when he defeats an enemy. Maniacally, that is. But this was a whole new side of him and you treasured it.

At the end of the day, you gave him a lecture about how he should value his health LMAO.

[marigoldsandbuttercups]

Hey your blog looks pretty good so far! Can we maybe get some general hcs on each guys personality?

Why thank you! I really appreciate that ❤❤

Personality Headcanons

Sans :

- Is more likely to sit back and observe rather than be actively involved in it.

- Is that one friend who randomly messages you once every 3 months with a meme.

- He's not very good with words, so he prefers to show he cares by doing things or spending time with people.

- Doesn't trust easily but is more willing to than some of the others.

- he's touch starved but it's not obvious, though you'll notice how his shoulders always brushing against yours.

- Seems like a social butterfly, isn't. If he's faced with new people, he can come off as a little aloof but break a joke in front of him and he'll begin to ease up.

- He's incredibly passive aggressive when he needs to be.

- He seems quiet, but he doesn't take shit. I feel like this becomes more apparent after he gets some therapy and learns to not beat himself up so much or allow people to step all over him.

Papyrus:

- He's painfully aware of how people see him and tends to use it to mess with them.

- His cooking has improved but sometimes, just sometimes he will serve them food that tastes odd to see if they're honest with him.

- He loves dancing! He has a radio in his kitchen and is always blasting pop music to dance to, often waking Sans up even though he's upstairs, it's effective!

- Papyrus can be very, very sarcastic. It's just the way he says it is so subtle you wouldn't even realize he's low-key shading you.

- Heard the term "Soft Boi", lives by it. Though he calls himself a Soft Cool Dude™.

- Is the most patient out of them all, Wine coming in a close second.

- He sometimes forgets that he's incredibly strong. Like sometimes he'll be walking down the street and hear a cat hiding under a car and.... He just lifts the car up like nothing-

- Speaking of this, although he forgets that one aspect, he remembers everything. You said you liked green mangos a few months ago on a whim? He's bringing you some from the market today cause he saw that they were on sale.

- It's hard for him to read the room sometimes, so he depends on seeing people's expressions to see what is going on.

- He uses internet lingo ironically, yes, he knows all of them and he low-key gets excited when someone is able to catch on to what he's doing.

Blue:

- Yes, he knows he looks cute, he knows he looks babey, stop shoving it in his face or he'll prove otherwise, Kelly.

- You thought Sans was passive aggressive, you thought wrong, meet Blue.

- Him and Edge like to team up and harass the Karen's at PTA meetings. It's a fun hobby.

- He loves to workout, but he also loves to pig out on junk food. You'll only find out if you're his best friend and he'll make you swear to secrecy.

- He loves makeup! He especially loves bright shades that make his eyelights pop.

- Blue isn't as trusting as he seems either. You have to remember, he is still a sans underneath that bold exterior. He knows who to trust and who to be wary of, those cute looks aren't there for nothing!

- The second flirtiest of the bunch, he knows how to charm people easily with just his words, it's just that sometimes he can't be taken seriously because of his height and it pisses him off to no end.

- He doesn't get attached easily, it takes a while for him to really think of you as someone who he will be there for everything and anything.

- He has no filter. He will absolutely tell it to your face like it is, why hide when you can just get it over with?

- He is someone who can dish it and can take it, he enjoys some good banter and teasing.

Stretch:

- An Ass. Sgshjssj okay but seriously he likes to use his magic abilities to mess with people, usually it's for little harmless pranks. Like when he formed ghouls with his magic and proceeded to "haunt" his brother the whole day.

- He can and absolutely will spam you with memes at random times, it's his hobby and that's your bonus as a friend!

- He can't have a resting bitch face, it's just too hard for him cause he can't help but have a small smile on his face, even when he's relaxing.

- Likes to say he listens to unique music but BTS is blasting in his headphones.

- He calls anyone he's close with "honey" it's just nice to him, ya know?

- But with a lover, he calls them his little "bumblebee"

- Is the least trusting of the bunch, he's just too anxious and is scared of the possibility of being betrayed, even if the chances are painfully low.

- He's the friend that is just so weird he's unique in his own little way.

- He likes to talk to bees when he sees them. Blue is low-key concerned when he hears him having full on conversations with them.

- He tends to mutter to himself a lot, it's a habit of his. He's mostly making jokes about himself.

Red:

- Chugs his respect women juice everyday. He doesn't play around.

- He's a huge flirt, but even he gets a little shy, it's just not obvious. But if you look close enough, you can't see a faint red hue on his cheeks, it's adorable.

- He's a big softie, but he's just so awkward with his emotions after all he's been through.

- After getting over that initial awkwardness, he's a romantic, but he tends to go for the less cheesy routes.

- He's the most easygoing of the bunch but he still has his tough shell on, he's used to fleeting relationships already.

- He's quite rowdy, too. Sure, he's not the most active but man, he would love to get in some trouble or do a ridiculous prank.

- He usually has a reason for when he does things, just saying he's doing it for no reason is something he does.

- His anger is explosive, but that's only when he really lashes out. Most of the time it's just him being annoyed.

- He can easily sense a person's intent just from their stance, it's what he had to do to survive in the underground, it's just something that stuck with him.

Edge:

- An Ass, Part 2.

- Unlike Stretch, Edge is haughty, he worked his bony ass off to get to where he is and he will gladly own it.

- He also lacks any sort of filter, but his words come out a lot more scathing and harsher.

- He keeps everyone at arm's length and doesn't really bother to get close to them unless they make an effort .

- He's very sassy and can go on for hours debating against anyone, his favourite is Jill with the pathetic excuse for fruit pizza. She's dumb, but she has fire, it's almost respectable. Almost.

- He's snobby and very prickly but it's more so to protect himself from giving into his emotions.

- If by some luck you happen to be his friend, he will absolutely make sure you leave his house feeling stuffed.

- He loves tiny animals, something about them reminds him of simpler times before his life went to shit.

- He also doesn't give a fuck about anyone's opinions but his own... And maybe someone he cares about, big maybe tho.

Black:

- Man, this is the third installment for Another Ass™.

- He actually has the potential to be the smoothest of them all, but he's just so prickly and a butt that it's almost a shame.

- He's very, very competitive. If you offer to play against you... Godspeed. You can almost see the fire in his eyes and he just becomes an entirely different person.

- Though, most of the time, he is pretty level headed. He also is perfect if you want to come to him for advice, he's honest about it but he's not too harsh like Edge.

- He doesn't really have to yell to have people's attention, he's incredibly intimidating.

- He also doesn't really care for romantic relationships all that much. He barely had any relationship in his universe except for a familial one with his brother.

Rus:

- Stoner vibes, but he's not really a stoner lmao.

- He's very relaxed and usually likes to lay down, staring off into nothing.

- The reason why he's so quiet is because he's usually thinking about a lot of things, it's how he expresses himself.

- Likes to call himself an e-boy for the memes. Has the potential for it, though.

- He also likes to go out a lot, doesn't matter for what, he just likes being outside.

- He's less of an ass than Stretch is, but that doesn't mean he won't bully you.

Wine:

- The flirtiest and the smoothest of them all.

- Also probably has an ego that could rival Edge's.

- He has a lot of hobbies as he loves to throw himself into a lot of work only to go on a long, self indulgent break.

- He plays a father figure to all of them and has schedules set for all of them, he is the only one who can wake them up without getting yelled at.. Sometimes.

- He loves to have many talents and will constantly improve on himself.

- What do you mean he's passive aggressive? He's just being honest.

- He is the wisest of them though, and knows how to handle almost every situation perfectly.

- He misuses memes to mess with the others. Truth is, he knows that they are, he just likes embarrassing the boys.

- Also will call them his kids to really mess with them.

Coffee:

- He's quiet, and his facial expression does give off a vibe You'd expect someone like Rus or Black to have.

- It's easy to get him to break out of his shell though, but he's the least emotional of the bunch, so his reactions aren't always going to be what you want.

- He knows he looks innocent, and uses it. More for the fact that he can ask people to give him an offer on this drink or whatever, and they'd do it.

- He loves his games, an absolute gamer god omg.

- He's very impatient and gets pouty sometimes just to really annoy the others as well.

- He also likes making stuff and will gift them to people he cares about, it's all usually woodwork tho.

Thistle:

- He's very soft-spoken, but he can be rather cheeky when he wants to be.

- He's very protective of his brother and it takes time to even have him refer to you as a friend.

- He still retains that laid back attitude that Sans normally has, but Thistle is much, much more observant of all that happens around him.

- He's very generous to those that he cares about, and only those that are close to him.

- He's also a big cat to those that are close to him, usually hanging onto them as they struggle to carry him around, low runbles or laughter leaving him.

- He doesn't really like dark humor after reaching the surface, noticing how some people use it for the wrong reasons. He's more into cheesy puns and lighthearted jokes.

- He likes to tease and have fun, friendly banter every now and then. He finds it a nice break from the stress!

- He loves visually stimulating things, especially the cooking process, there's something about it that just puts his mind at ease.

Chestnut:

- He's very anxious about a lot of things, especially if people look at him for little too long. He's aware why, and he hates it.

- Though, he has been a bit more forgiving to himself, learning to be subtle with his insults.. .well, subtle is a bit of a generous word but stars, his insults can leave you stunned.

- He's very independent, and likes to do things by himself. It fills him with a sense of accomplishment as he does something.

- Chestnut is a no nonsense skeleton. He relies on communication and isn't as forgiving as he seems.

- He's not an ass, but he has no tolerance for people who take advantage of others or hurt others for no reason.

- He's a very tender skeleton, too. He loves to have walks during the autumn season and take photographs of the beautiful scenery. He takes lessons with Rus.

- After all that he's been through, it's kind of hard for him to get attached easily as well, as he's more focused on his needs and well-being first.

[woeismyhoe]

Rachel Amber, The Broken Angel Who Demonized Herself

Fair warning, please bear with this probably incredibly **longass** (I’m not kidding it’s rlly long) analysis of one of the fandom’s most controversial disliked characters, Rachel Amber. This is just my attempt to analyze her character based on observation from BtS to LiS so by no means do you have to accept them. Productive discussions are obviously very welcomed :D

In LiS, when we asked about Rachel around campus, most of them had nothing but compliments and praises for the missing girl. She was essentially an honorary Vortex Club member who socialised with the snobs, yet she also hung out with the skater stoners and was friendly with those at the bottom of the social hierarchy. Then we see those graffiti around where it hints at Rachel’s promiscuity, debts and conflicts with other people. That’s the first sign we see that Rachel Amber isn’t as perfect as everyone was making her out to be. Afterwards we discover that Rachel was a stoner herself and into whatever drugs there were, partied harder than anyone else, promiscuous, entered a relationship with local drug dealer Frank Bowers while having a secret relationship with Psycho teacher Mark Jefferson— all while maintaining a 4.0 GPA in her studies and being considered perfect and adored by practically everyone in her school. The girl’s incredible, obviously, or maybe scary for someone to be so spread out in everything.

Rachel was a straight A student with a 4.0 GPA, an administrative assistant to the Principal, beloved by students and faculty alike, literal goddess beauty, had ambitions to be a model and study international law, daughter of the DA and was the closest to perfection anyone would ever be— so what went wrong? What made her romanticise the idea of running away from a town where everyone loves and adores her?

Because of the above.

Yes, it may sound whiny and dramatic to feel tired of being loved and being the center of attention all the time, but there’s no point to it if it’s not you who they adore, but the person you’re pretending to be— (“I was feeling angsty and reckless. Tired of living up to the perfect image everybody expects out of me.”) —especially when you have to do so much just to maintain the lie.

Throughout LiS and BtS, Rachel’s ability to get along with everyone was always mentioned. At face value she was akin to a social butterfly. She hung out with stoners regardless of their social status (skaters or the vortex club), was friendly with anyone regardless of their place in the social hierarchy (eg; Daniel/Evan/Steph/Drew/Nathan) or even to strangers others usually ignored (Samuel/Homeless lady). Like Evan said, Her friends were her friends. She wasn’t one to let peer pressure affect her relationships so she wasn’t afraid to make all those acquaintances.

However, for those who knew her closely (Chloe and Jefferson), she was referred to as a chameleon, someone who blended in with everyone and everywhere seamlessly. This was an important detail regarding who Rachel was and her intimacy with others. To be able to make that comparison, they would’ve needed to know who the person Rachel actually was underneath the masks she’d created over the years. Chloe was the first to truly see and accept her for who she was. Jefferson was the one who exploited her for it.

For most, being a social chameleon would count as a beneficial social skill if they’re subtle. So long as the person doesn’t lose themselves in the process and is able to separate their personas from their true self, it remains a skill and will be used as such.

The problem with Rachel was that it transcended beyond a skill. A social chameleon was *what* she became, and that led to losing her own sense of identity, to becoming a stranger in her own body.

We see her confiding to Chloe about this feeling in Brave New World: (“Do you think there’s a point when you’ve been acting so much that you don’t even have your own personality anymore? You’re just whatever you think other people want you to be?”) —to which Chloe tells her she does have a personality because she assumed Rachel was talking about herself. But Rachel apparently wasn’t and clarifies she was talking about her father. She then elaborates on how her father doesn’t really exist, that how he was in the principal’s office was a mere performance and then the actual truth— that she’s afraid she’ll end up like him.

No matter how you interpret that scene, the conclusion is that one of Rachel’s fears was becoming like James— someone who’s been so wrapped up in all the lies and manipulation that he no longer seemed recognisable to even his own daughter.

At that point her defence mechanism of deflection and avoidance came into play after Chloe got a little too close to home. We first see this on the train scene when they play Two Truths and a Lie. Rachel gave factual statements as opposed to Chloe who gave facts that elaborated into her personal life. At one point Chloe can ask how Rachel knew about having a distal radius fracture and It’s a very minor detail, but when she explains that it’s because she broke her wrist when she was 10, she says it extremely fast. When Chloe is about to press for more info about something personal no matter what option you choose, Rachel dismissively turns around the conversation from herself back to Chloe again.

The next time we see her deflecting is right after witnessing her father cheating. When Chloe asks about her, Rachel deflects and guilt trips her into somehow thinking she’s at fault for failing to get them wasted and then proceeds to drown her sorrows into alcohol instead of opening up. Afterwards when they find the junkyard, Rachel chooses to isolate herself from Chloe and withdraws to the corner, getting irritated if Chloe chooses to invade her space. When Chloe confronts her about her sudden moodiness, Rachel yet again deflects and shifts the attention to Chloe by essentially telling her she’s self-centred. This scene was classic Deflection 101 brought by Rachel’s defence mechanism to cope with her father’s betrayal.

Rachel uses deflection and avoidance as a defence mechanism, a habit which stems from the dynamics of the Amber family. When you have a Politician as a father whose life work is to manipulate and lie, and a Stepford Wife as a mother who wilfully acts like a servant to her husband out of sacrifice and duty— an environment of deceit and suppression of one’s feelings will be fostered. This is what shapes Rachel to be distrusting and unhealthily altruistic as we see in BtS.

And so Rachel’s deflection is driven by 2 things: mistrust (James) and her unhealthy altruism (Rose).

As a district attorney, James unfortunately carried his work persona into his personal life and can be presumed to lie to even his own family on a daily basis to the point that Rachel can tell when he’s lying: (“When your Dad is the District Attorney, I guess lying is...something you're used to.”) (Why can't you just tell me the fucking truth?! Stop lying! Stop being a politician for one fucking minute! Can’t you just be my Dad?”) What that tells us is that Rachel’s actually used to being lied at and treated with cynicism, so naturally that would make her guarded around others. Not to mention since James often exercised his professional prerogative (just recall how he spoke to Chloe and her comment about his micro-aggressions towards his own family), it’s most likely that he was also cynical towards people in general and carried that mindset forward at Rachel as well.

As for Rose, you have to really observe how she carried herself and her choice of words. A lot of people pointed out how robotic she sounded and blamed it on bad voice acting, but I think that was actually intentional. She was too mannered, too submissive and too robotic as a person. It’s not exactly a bad thing, but a lot of her personality seemed to be too... *political* for the sake of her husband’s political career. It was altruistic in the way that she sacrificed her own needs for her husband’s and was unfailingly supportive (eg; preparing dinner all by herself, *respectfully* asking James for his drink, even going so far as to excuse James for kissing Sera like wtf). Point is, Rose was the stereotypical political wife whose job was to shut up, look good and smile for her husband while he does the talking. At one point in the dinner scene when they start fighting, James even dared to say ‘Rose, let me handle this’ as if Rose’s voice was irrelevant and unimportant to the table (when he literally just got exposed for cheating lmao).

So what happens when your family environment consists of a father who actively lies and uses manipulation to twist facts, expects you to be compliant in exchange for rewards (birthday money), has the ability to read people, and a mother who does too much for someone who does the barest minimum for the family and represses herself for the sake of others? An environment of deceit and suppression will be fostered, and you develop all of their qualities, for better or worse. That’s difficult to change when your own family dynamics molded you to be that way and then reward you for it. If you recall, Rachel’s mannerisms changed completely when in front of her family and if Chloe complained about having to play the goody two shoes formal well-behaved humorless girl, Rachel would say: ‘try doing it your whole life’. So not only was she playing different roles in school but evidently at home as well.

But It’s not as if the Amber family was aware of the toxic environment they’d created. That’s just what their normal was: to be well-mannered, formal, professional, mature and well-articulated.

This is where Rachel’s social chameleon tendencies develops. Social chameleons usually have reasons for blending in when it comes to personal relationships:

1. Being liked is important for them (they value what people think of them).

2. They want to blend in so as to not stand out (they don’t like attention).

3. They’re doing it to make the other person comfortable (the needs of others come first before theirs).

Considering how Rachel was extremely popular, active in all sorts of school activities and enjoyed the attention of being the star, no. 2 is out. She confessed to wanting to stop being a social chameleon and didn’t seem to care much about Victoria’s dislike of her + she also did it to her family so no. 1 is out as well, which leaves us to no. 3— doing it for the comfort of others. In other words, because she *gave too much shit about other people all the time*.

What further supports the point of Rachel’s unhealthy altruism is what she says to Chloe at the junkyard— (“Maybe you should try giving a shit about other people for once.”) —which essentially tells us that she’s been doing exactly that to be able to lecture Chloe into following her own perspective. Another example would be what she tells Chloe during their therapy session: “—Because she was tired of having to give so many fucks all the time.”

One thing however that all *extreme* social chameleons share is the fact that they **loathe** themselves, or at the very least— dislike who they are. Why else would they go all the trouble of creating different personas for everyone to the point of forgetting their own, if they actually liked themselves?

One of the many things that Chloe and Rachel shared in common was their self-awareness in how undeniably shitty they can be, and that they hated who they were. Whereas Chloe embraced that whole part of her down her self destructive road, Rachel tried to cover hers up by playing other roles for people. Both girls played their sides to the ends of the spectrum; Chloe being selfish (causing problems for everyone in general unnecessarily) and Rachel being selfless (posing no problem for anyone in general even if there was a problem). They had no healthy balance and their unhealthy mindset ultimately drove them down a self destructive path.

Rachel knew she was selfish by nature, and that she’d take it out on Chloe in Ep 1. That’s why instead of talking about what was wrong, she chose to drown herself to alcohol and distance herself from Chloe. When Chloe confronts her about it, she either tells her that not everything revolves around her or that she should try giving a shit about people for once. In other words, ‘Other people have bigger problems than you so shut up and don’t make it worse for them.’ That was Rachel’s mentality and in that moment of poor lapse in judgment, she applied that logic to Chloe expecting her to think the way she does— to put others before yourself.

With Rachel, she always had her walls up and couldn’t help it even if she wanted to because it's practically second nature to have her guard up (“I never said how dearly I hold thee; my habit's been to keep my soul well-draped.“). It’s only in her lowest vulnerable moments is when she finally let her walls down because that’s when she’s too tired to keep them up.

Luckily (or unluckily) for Rachel, she recognized her problem. The only thing is that she didn’t know how to solve them. She confided to Chloe about feeling like she doesn’t exist, but then backtracked and clarified she was talking about her dad instead when Chloe got too close to home. Even IF she was genuinely talking about her father, it doesn’t erase the fact that she believed there was a possibility she was going to become like him— because she already saw the signs and made the comparison between them.

Remember her infamous outbursts in Awake? Unlike Chloe, she’s the type who keeps everything bottled in until it’s too much. Seeing her father kissing another woman was the breaking point and that’s why she reacted badly. And then when she kicked that bin, that was equivalent to Chloe smashing up the junkyard. And then that scream. That scream was the result of years bottling her pent up frustration, stress, anger at everyone including herself. Because she did everything to make her family proud, to please everyone to the point that she felt so empty and hollow, only to realize that it was all for nothing because her father was destroying her family. It wasn’t just a betrayal from her father but a betrayal to herself.

And then there’s Chloe Price. The girl who is the total opposite of her, yet who she can somehow still connect with at the same time. While she cared too much about what others thought, Chloe gave absolutely no fucks. That was her most attractive and admirable quality for Rachel. So what does she do? She latches onto Chloe to do exactly what she knows best. Become the ideal version of whoever wants her to be. In other words, the Rachel Amber who would finally give no fucks.

Rachel was the closest to her truest self when she was around Chloe. Just as she brought life and hope back into the girl’s life, so did Chloe for her. Chloe broke the walls she put up, and she’d seen her vulnerable enough times to let her mask slip. Chloe saw her at her lowest, ugliest self even when she wasn’t doing her usual thing of keeping everyone around her happy, yet she didn’t mock or leave her for it. For the first time, she was selfish, and *still* Chloe came back. That was a BIG reason to trust each other for the both of them. And that’s ultimately what bonded them for so long— the fact that they could be the shittiest people on earth, yet still see the best in each other even if they only see the worst in themselves.

Chloe was the first one to see through her social chameleon act because she slipped, and she continued to let her unmask who she was because that night Rachel just didn’t care enough to hold up the act any longer. This detail of Rachel’s chameleon act slipping *only* when something was wrong is a vital part in understanding the context around her. The first time was when she witnessed her whole world crash, the second was when she realized she was becoming like James, and the third was when she discovered what a monster James was. The fourth— when she asked that trucker for a drive out and didn’t bother to be her usual social chameleon self. We may never know what happened, but something wrong was going on in Rachel’s life that she didn’t want Chloe to be a part of— because why would she put the girl who stuck by her during her darkest hours through her bullshit again?

But at the end of the day, that wasn’t enough. Chloe wasn’t enough. And that’s understandable because a teenager truly can’t and shouldn’t have to be responsible for someone else’s happiness. No matter what choice Chloe makes at the end of BtS, the truth inevitably gets out and leads to Rachel having a fall out with her parents. When that happened, she lost a big pillar of her support system which only leaves her with Chloe who’s another emotionally damaged teen that’s on the road to self-destruction. Chloe can’t help others without helping herself first. But still, who else is there to make them feel a little less shitty except each other?

After her fall out with her parents and her father in particular, she seemed to have developed a taste for men twice her age: Frank Bowers (32) and Mark Jefferson (38). Whatever the reason her relationship with Frank was, she still wrote him those letters and seemed to have cared for him to some extent. Not only was he the source for drugs for her very much needed escape, but he was also the man who helped save her life in one of her most vulnerable moments, and a possible lead to find Sera. It’s not that surprising she’d seek comfort and safety in his arms when he already proved himself once. But clearly it wasn’t serious because she was fooling around with Jefferson at the same time (and Frank knew they wouldn’t have lasted anyway).

Now, Jefferson. The devs confirmed that Rachel was in love with Jefferson and honestly, that’s the least surprising thing ever considering how he basically had the female population of Blackwell head over heels for him. Even Rachel wasn’t immune to that psychopath’s charm. He was a well reputable photographer, had the connections to propel her modeling career, was attractive and mysterious and apparently a damaged soul. He was the perfect one way ticket out of Arcadia Bay. He was her photographer and she was his muse. He was basically the perfect solution to her problems.

The girl clearly had deep rooted daddy issues and was ashamed of it herself since she couldn’t even share her secret relationship to the one person she trusted the most despite sharing her other relationships with her (except Frank).

This is where the drugs and partying come in. They’re a way for her to escape the bullshit in her life for a few hours. Chloe was what made her feel real, but the drugs and partying was what made her forget— forget that her biological mother chose drugs and money over her (twice), forget that her own father was so despicable that he was planning to overdose Sera (this is what Chloe said in the silent dialogue), forget that her biological mother may just be dead somewhere because of James, forget that her own family was a lie, forget all the expectations placed upon her, forget that she herself was a lie, forget that she was so insecure that she had to seek warmth and safety in the arms of men twice her age, forget the guilt of knowing the girl who would die for her was still not enough, forget that at the end of the day all her problems is caused by her own mind and that her own fears had come to reality. And she hated herself for that.

But still, Rachel wasn’t a total junkie or outwardly self destructive to the point that she abandoned her studies like Chloe did. She didn’t let the drugs and partying dictate her life, hence the 4.0 GPA. After all, she still had a reputation to maintain. She was still the DA’s daughter, and getting into college was still a way to get out of Arcadia Bay.

BUT SEE, that was exactly Rachel’s problem. She could never choose which to be; The Problematic Junkie of a Disappointment (Sera), or the Golden Child (James & Rose) everyone expected her to be. She wanted to be as free as Chloe, but she also didn’t want to be a disappointment. She was tired of everything but couldn’t allow herself to fall because it was her nature to demand the best of herself for others as long as she could do it. But what happens when it’s your very own nature you’re going against? It gets really complicated. So instead of choosing, she doesn’t and becomes both. That was ultimately the worst decision she ever made.

Make no mistake, Rachel was an absolute idiot for being so indecisive. She could have easily solved her problems if she just finally gave no shit and did whatever she wanted to. But that’s the problem with people who’re labeled as perfect growing up. They eventually believe it and demand perfection of themselves. They care too much about everything because if they have the ability to be perfect, then why would you choose not to be? When someone is seen to be perfect, disappointment is 10x worse. Even Chloe was guilty of idealizing Rachel to be this perfect girl and was disappointed when she realized Rachel was just like everyone else who puts in hard work—(“Rachel's always made being an A student seem so easy. Almost sad to see all this... effort."), but it’s Chloe accepting Rachel for who she was despite no longer being the perfect girl she believed her to be that mattered.

With being seen as perfect usually comes with the assumption that your whole life is. Just as everyone invalidated her problems because she’s Little Miss Perfect with the perfect grades and the seemingly perfect family, so did she.

‘Cause hey, what does she have to be mad about when she’s a rich white girl who’s been given everything she’s ever wanted, right? (James basically said that). At that point the only problem Rachel had was that she was acting as the perfect daughter and perfect friend and perfect student at the expense of her own happiness, and then throw in the sudden slap in the face that it was all for nothing because her father was destroying the family she’d tried so hard to do proud.

But then again even if that wasn’t enough reason to spiral, it really would mess you up if your own father told you that your biological mother chose money and drugs over you, that everything you’ve done so far was all for a lie and worst of all, that your own father was going to kill your biological mother and there’s nothing you can do to change that. I mean really, I’m not a therapist or anything but I wouldn’t be surprised if Rachel’s mental health was suffering by that point.

I mean get this: she abused drugs and partied harder than anyone else and got wasted even though she knew they were wrong (Sera would’ve been a painful reminder), slept around with older men who undoubtedly took advantage and controlled her, continued to act like the perfect student and pretended to be someone she’s not just to keep everyone happy even though it was causing her to question her own existence— it’s almost as if she was punishing herself for continuing down that path.

Ultimately what Rachel was running away from was who she had become in Arcadia Bay. Once she’d be out, she wouldn’t be Little Miss Perfect anymore. She wouldn’t be the DA’s daughter. She wouldn’t have to keep lying. She would be able to start over. She would just be Rachel Amber, the nobody.

She cared too much in contrast to Chloe’s ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude, and that’s why she still managed to maintain her perfect image even when she was already so broken. Whereas Chloe’s first instinct was to blame others, Rachel’s was to blame herself. Both never had a healthy balance when it came to accepting responsibility and that’s what connected them so well together.

Call it selflessness or selfishness or stupidity or melodrama, but at the end of the day Rachel tried to keep everyone around her happy, just like Max tried to do with her powers except Rachel used lies to do it. She was greedy and selfish, no disagreement to that, but she also tried to be selfless for most of her life. She was her own enemy and she demonized herself for it. And that got her murdered, thrown and buried away like the used rag doll she treated herself to be.

She was Chloe’s angel and Chloe was hers, but she was also her own demon. And there’s only so much two broken angels can do against a demon.

**TL;DR:** Idealizing her to be the Perfect Girl was what made her want to run away. Her family was what broke her. Desperation for escape was what killed her. Her family just *really* suck.

Now, I’m not trying to justify Rachel’s actions but merely rationalizing her character. I acknowledge that she was capable of being a shitty person at times, but just as Chloe had her issues, so did she, and so I choose to see them both for what they tried to be. Good hearted people just trying to make their shitty life a little easier. At the end of the day, Rachel Amber was a deeply flawed, insecure and emotionally damaged girl that pretended like nothing was wrong to forget about her troubles for a little, and was just dealt a bad hand in life. Literally.

After writing all of this, I realize that holy shit this girl was fucking complicated and a single post doesn’t do her justice nor explains her character properly enough. I thought it’d be simple enough to word it out, but then again, someone who was basically a junkie yet still managed to maintain her perfect reputation amongst her peers and the faculty is bound to be this complexed. Also as you can see I got very lazy at the middle of the elaborations and repetition has probably made this unnecessarily long but thank you for reading and finishing this overall confusing and messy essay.

[d-nghy-ck]

hi hi! omg I just had to stop myself from going anon, old habits die hard I guess 🙈

Anyway, Bronwyn! I wanted to ask if you had any master-writer tips for anyone out there who struggles with actually sitting down and writing instead of sayyyy avoiding their wips and spending all their free time on their phone (totally not asking for myself of course ahaha 👀👀)

Hi Mili <3 Ahaha, welcome to my inbox off anon ;)

I struggle with this as well, so we can figure it out together <3 Maybe some thoughts on my personal experience will help! 

P.S. From one previous Baekhyun ult to another, oh my god a couple of the songs on this new album are killing me. I feel like my heart is dropping out of my chest, o h my g o d d d especially “All I Got” like .... hhhnnggg [gargling noises]

I think the first thing to keep in mind is you don’t always have to be productive. Writing is a hobby, meant to be fun, and if you’re not feeling it, no use in forcing it! Maybe your mind really does need to vacate for the moment; recharging mentally is so important, and might aid in boosting productivity later! 

But, let’s say you’re bored by everything on your phone, and you’re itching to write, you have ideas, they sound fun to develop, but you can’t seem to put the phone down, thanks to your caveman brain enjoying the instant gratification of the stimuli on your phone screen? The “count to five” rule is really effective for me. This works for anything - not just writing. If I think, I really should be doing [activity], I tell myself “I’ll stop what I’m doing by the count of five” and start counting to myself, and something about it -always- makes me instantly productive. Every time. It always gets me to at least start, and starting is always the hardest part. 

Also, set realistic goals and expectations for yourself. If you want to edit today, maybe tell yourself that you’ll edit at least one page today. Not as daunting when you’re looking at a 20 page draft! And chances are, you’ll edit more than one page anyway once you get rolling. 

Another tool I’ve used is associating music with productivity. There are certain lofi youtube compilations I’ve listened to only when I’m at max productivity, and as a result, I’ve associated that mindset with it. Every time I listen to it now, it triggers a focus in me. A negative drawback is I started to use it for my job, so now when I listen to it I feel like I should be writing exsums and crafting business process flows but LMAO guess I’ll find another lofi, then. 

I think a lot of motivation comes from finding joy in the process - if it’s fun, exciting, and interesting enough to you, then you’ll want to work on it, and you will. If it isn’t? Maybe you can set it aside (to potentially work on at a later date, even!) to open your mind and time to new ideas that thrill you more at the moment, or transform your story into something that’s thrilling enough to get you creating in it. 

Also, limit distractions - put your phone out of your sight (I like putting mine in a drawer or behind my laptop screen), write down a note within your view as a reminder to limit tumblr, youtube, twitter, etc. Cutting it out completely is unrealistic - but maybe allow yourself a glance at social media for ten minutes every hour, and often taking that mental break helps reset your mind to work on the next section in your draft. 

We’re not meant to be productivity machines. Recognize your mental and emotional strain levels - if you had a long day at work? You’ll be mentally exhausted. If you had a good cry? You’re probably not going to write. Just enjoy rest. You always have tomorrow. 

Whatever the case, you’ve got this!! Ayyyy!! Rooting for you! 

[sage-nebula]

Neo: The World Ends With You - Thoughts So Far

I’m on Day 6 of Week 1 and I want to compile my thoughts so far — not in a formal post, but at least all in one place, especially since I feel that jotting down what I think / feel as I go through will help me write my review when I’m done. Spoilers under the cut, obviously — and while it should go without saying, do NOT comment on this post with spoilers from later in the game, so help me. Even if I pose a question that gets answered later on — hell, especially if I do — don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. I will find out in my own time.

With that said . . .

So obviously, I’m really enjoying it so far. You can tell that the writers / devs haven’t lost their touch despite it being thirteen years since the first game was made. You can also tell that a lot of love went into this; this isn’t something they churned out just to make money (if they thought this was a moneymaker we wouldn’t have had to wait 13 freaking years for the sequel), but rather something they really, really wanted to make. Not a total passion project, because those aren’t allowed in the world of capitalism, but there is still a lot of love there. 

That said, more specific thoughts:

THE MUSIC. It doesn’t really come as a surprise given that TWEWY’s soundtrack was phenomenal, but god, they brought it right back for this game. The remixes (“Someday”, “Three Minutes Clapping”, “Transformation”, “The One Star” etc) are all excellent, but the new tracks are phenomenal too. Tbh I’m not sure how any of the Players get any fighting done when the music makes you want to just bust a move right there in the scramble. It’s so good.

Most of the characters are great too. Of the Wicked Twisters, I think Fret is my favorite; he is pure of heart, dumb of ass, and I love that for him. I do like Rindo too, of course, and his habit of overthinking everything (since Fret has zero brain cells, Rindo has to make up for it), but him being standoffish / socially anxious and snarky makes him feel a bit like a toned down Neku, so he doesn’t catch my interest quite as much. And while I do like Nagi, the way she speaks in like . . . medieval-esque language is a bit off-putting. In particular it’s weird that Rindo didn’t tell her to knock it off with the “Lord Rindo” stuff since using such an honorific would be considered awkward / embarrassing in Japanese. I guess he’s just too socially anxious / awkward to tell her to stop, but it’s still a bit distracting.  Other than that, I’m really not a fan of Kubo (one of the Reapers) or . . . Susukichi, I think his name is? The leader of the Ruinbringers. I find them both to be pretty annoying, haha. But I love Shoka, as well as Kanon, and Motoi is a good bean, too. As for the Deep River Society . . . those nerds have issues lmao. Especially their leader. Although I can’t fault him for breaking down sobbing when he realizes that he now stands a very good chance of getting erased, which reminds me . . .

HOW ARE WE ON DAY SIX AND THE WICKED TWISTERS STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT BEING ERASED IS?? We have kind of an inverse situation where where Neku knew right away that he would get erased if he failed the missions / didn’t win the Game, but didn’t find out until later that he was dead. Here, the Wicked Twisters learn that they’re dead fairly quickly (and Fret has some realistic denial going on about it at first, though he gets over it pretty quickly), but they’re still completely in the dark about the fact that their souls will get wiped from existence if they lose despite erasure being mentioned at least a handful of times. Like I guess it was never spelled out for them, but especially as someone who played the first game about a million times, it’s a bit maddening to see them be like, “Why is he crying like his life is on the line? lol whatevs no big deal la di da!” Since the Wicked Twisters aren’t aware of the stakes, a new player wouldn’t be either, and so it rather tones down the urgency that was felt in the original game where everyone was very much aware that they were fighting for their right to exist.

Since I brought up Motoi, I want to say that I just played past the part where he reveals that he was An0ther, who is apparently Rindo’s favorite blogger / poet. I feel like this is meant to be similar to how Hanekoma was CAT, Neku’s favorite artist, but it doesn’t carry the same impact because a.) as far as we know An0ther didn’t have anything to do with how Rindo died; b.) we haven’t seen Rindo bring An0ther or his poetry up that much, much less have anything An0ther said be his entire life’s mantra; c.) we haven’t gotten to know Motoi that well either. Like we met him once before this revelation. That said I’m not sure it was supposed to have the same impact as the Hanekoma = CAT reveal, but if it was then it did fall short. (Also I saw it coming the second Motoi quoted An0ther lmao.)

Speaking of Hanekoma, WHERE IS MY MANS??? I know he has to show up at some point because if I’m not mistaken we saw him in the trailers. And if I am mistaken then he still has to show up at some point because he played a central role in the “A New Day” epilogue chapter of Final Remix, what with Coco being unable to control him and him knowing what was going on, plus he was testing Neku for something in “Another Day” and that has to be whatever is going on in this game. I’m sure he’ll come in for some big reveal later, but like, we have a new street artist in this game (MKN) with no mention of CAT as of yet, and I’m just like . . . where is he. Where is my mans. What is he doing. Bring him to me.

That said, we already got to see my #2 mans (Kariya♥) so I am happy about that at least. 

Back to my mans for a hot second: I actually erased my demo save data and started fresh to remind myself of everything when I got the game, and idk if it was in the demo or not, but regardless—at the end of the demo portion there’s this shot of the sky and then this nameless voice is like, “It’s finally starting. I hope you wake up soon. I don’t want you to miss all the action.” My current guess is that the speaker was Hanekoma, speaking to Joshua. Joshua being “asleep” would explain why the Game is as screwed up as it is right now, what with it having been going on for a year and people able to choose to play again and again and again while the rest of the Players—who tbh should also be counted as winners if they survive the week!—are trapped in limbo.

Because that’s the thing: I know that it was partially a lie to cover for the fact that Joshua’s game with Megumi was set to last three weeks, but at the end of the third week Megumi told Neku that a new rule was being put in place that wouldn’t allow repeats of the Game anymore. But even setting that aside, in the original Shibuya UG rules, anyone who survived the Game could get a wish at the end, whether that was to be brought back to life or made into a Reaper. This is why at the end of Week 1, the three winners were Neku, Shiki, and Beat. However, here the Ruinbringers are able to keep everyone trapped and they have been trapped for at least a year, given what Motoi said. It’s completely different rules and I’m sure that this has something to do with the fact that the majority of the Reapers we’ve seen so far are from Shinjuku (at least going by the spoilery trailer, and iirc it was confirmed in “A New Day” that Coco was from Shinjuku actually, but it’s been a while so I could be wrong about that).

Speaking of, has anyone noticed that the possibly-Shinjuku Reapers don’t have wings? No?

ALSO speaking of Coco, at least tangentially: Coco was the one who revived Minamimoto at the end of “A New Day”. However, he’s definitely not how I would have expected. Like despite Coco using the Taboo Noise sigil to bring him back, he’s clearly not in his Taboo form. He’s using psychs as a Player would, rather than a Reaper. And while it’s clear he’s up to some form of nonsense, it’s unclear exactly what form of nonsense he’s up to. I know that he’s here for fanservice and that him looking like Nagi’s bias from Elegant Strategy is a tongue-in-cheek nod to that, but I have too much faith in this series to think that’s all this is. I’m wondering if being revived for a second time fixed whatever screws were loose in his head before? Or if he was revived as a human Player by like, Joshua or something? (Although why Joshua would do that I have no idea. Maybe Hanekoma instead?) Hmmm . . .

Small aside, but we all know that Nagi has put herself into hundreds of thousands of yen in debt for Tomonami merch lolol RIP Nagi. (I’m also interpreting that she’s not actually older than Rindo or Fret, but she just skipped a bunch of grades. Like I feel like this might have been lost in translation a bit, and that she’s a senpai to them because she’s in uni but she’s not actually older than them. I could be wrong but that’s how I’m interpreting it right now. She just doesn’t look or act older than them.)

Oh another minor annoyance, but whether it’s due to the partial 3D environment or something else, I’m SO ANNOYED that some of the streets aren’t connecting as they should now. Like, how going in the direction of Molco spits you out at Spain Hill or 104 or whatever? I don’t remember exactly what area it was, but it wasn’t Molco!! I’m sure if I hadn’t played the original a million times like a loser this wouldn’t be such a big deal to me, but I have and it is lmao. Also, they’ve had the Shibuya Underpass / Cat Street blocked off this whole time and I’m like :( let me go to Cat Street :( let me see my mans

I’m relieved that Ken Doi is still making delicious food and I look forward to his ramen curry fusion. I was really upset about RamenDon being gone at first but as long as Ken Doi is still around I am happy.

My dinner just arrived so this is all I have to say for now, but I will update more as I play more. I love this game and I’m so happy to be back in Shibuya, even if the characters pronounce it wrong sometimes (saying “ShiBOOya” like pls . . . you are supposed to be Japanese . . . get it right . . .)

[sarahisslytherin]

Hi!!! Can I have a 𝘆𝗲𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗮𝘄 in HP please? (Preferably male) Thanks in advance ❤️

I'm 19, Southeast Asian with Spanish descent, Libra, ENFJ-A/ENFJ-T, Neutral Good, Ravenclaw, and a Bi Pan Genderfluid girl using the pronouns She/Her or He/Him. A friend of mine told me that I (kinda) look like Marinette from 𝗠𝗶𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗟𝗮𝗱𝘆𝗯𝘂𝗴, Musa from 𝗪𝗶𝗻𝘅 𝗖𝗹𝘂𝗯, and Alexandra Trese from 𝗧𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲 (a Netflix animated series), but the exception is I'm short (5'1.2") plus sized Southeast Asian woman with Spanish descent that has messy/wavy brunette medium hair, chocolate brown eyes, oriental skin and a small beauty mark on the forehead. My sense of fashion is in between emo and boyish plus korean glam.

People thought I'm a demure self-effacing religious woman that looks "immaculate" or "one of a kind," (due to my protective parents, a reason why I've never been in a relationship) but the truth is, I'm very complex...My personality is a mixture of Aerith from FF7, Rinoa from FFVIII, Yuna from FFX, Padmé from Star Wars, Umaru from Himouto! Umaru-Chan, Itachi from Naruto, Shinobu/Mitsuri from Demon Slayer, Oikawa/Kageyama from Haikyuu!!, and Momo/Ochako from BNHA. I also coincindentally radiate the common traits of a Libra together with my mbti, and the cinnamon meme "𝗟𝗼𝗼𝗸𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗮𝗺𝗼𝗻 𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗹, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗸𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝘆𝗼𝘂". I also have this 𝗕𝗼𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗲/𝗗𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗲/𝗞𝘂𝘂𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗲 vibes if I'm an anime character, I laugh loudly on a daily basis, speak with nerdiness (in an entertaining way) or sarcasms, cites some meme references and unashamed of being true to myself in any aspects. But my deeper self is a hella fragile, doubtful, frustrated, insecure and hopeless romantic, pushing too much to please everyone because of my fear of failure that might dissapoint them from their expectations, yet I still managed to be stronger than ever though it's a slow burn process.

Blunt but the loudest idiotic, clumsy, indecisive, feeling-brokenhearted and bitter friend in the group who fangirl a lot, swears like sailor, will act like a silent backstabber on people that we loathe, will crack up over your stupid antics before helping, and bring gossips, but a hopeless romantic who tends to pull off corniest jokes/puns, and banter or make pick up lines as an endearment (but gets grumpy if I received sappy or offensive one), still generous and concerned in a subtle way, and will be your no. 1 supporter.

Loves kittens, eating a lot, cartoons, watching YouTube videos (mostly pageants, ASMR, edit audios, and mukbangs), also enjoys playing games on my sister's PSP. Sucker for arts, choir, night sky, makeup, fun/deep/dumb conversations, Christianity, documentaries (about saints, real crime stories, and inspirational people), reading interesting stuffs, talking about social issues, and writings, chilling both indoors and outdoors. Beside that, my music taste are like late 90s-2000s songs (mostly rock, pop, and country) sometimes kpop and ppop, chocoholic, and a sweetooth as well. My hobbies are singing, drawing, roleplaying, listening to music, chatting/browsing on social media, conceptualizing, writing, and reading some stuffs. 𝖨'𝗅𝗅 𝗂𝗇𝖼𝗅𝗎𝖽𝖾 making corniest jokes/puns, 𝗌𝗅𝖾𝖾𝗉𝗂𝗇𝗀, and dancing when nobody's around or walking like a model if I feel so bold (even I'm terrible at both xD). I also have a habit of staying up all night and doing sign of the cross to ease nervousness or just to give thanks in some complicated situations. I hate stereotyping, huge creepy crawlies, poorly written soap operas, toxicity, loneliness, being left out, heart breaks, and blackout. My pet peeves is forcing me to do what I'm not into.

My best assets are smile, eyes, personality, singing voice, artistic skills, writings, intelligence, and oratorical skills...so I can consider myself as a singer, artist, orator, and a top student who's a former active campus ministry member with three roles (choir leader, psalm singer, and reader). Currently an incoming college freshman, learning how to cook and have so many interests, to the point I don't know what I'm into because of my dreams to become a popular Filipino YouTuber, a novelist, and being part of a successful chorale competing internationally...I also consider joining pageants at school too once the pandemic ends, but maybe.

ok took me a hot second to pick somebody but i think i've decided on fred weasley because i think he would be so into all of your interests, like he'd love listening to your music with you, you two would probably live in his shop screwing around with all the stuff they have. i also feel like he would so enjoy the whole "looks like a cinnamon roll but actually kill you" aspect of you lmao

[painted-crow]

Submission Time #9

Hi, Paint! Thank you so much for letting your inbox available and taking time out of your day to read this <3 I’ll try my best to make it as short as possible, but I do tend to talk too much, so I’m sorry if this turns out a bit long. Also, sorry about my English hehe.

No way, this is really clear and well-written! You've made things easy for me here ^^

Well, guess I’ll start with what I do know sorting wise! I’m a Snake Primary with a Lion model and one thing I’m very aware of about my secondary is a Bird model that I use for basically everything lol. I think my actual secondary burned sometime around my teens and I’ve been living in this model ever since. I like it, it’s very fun and incredibly useful, but doesn’t really feel like me, you know? Getting things done can end up a bit frustrating at times, especially when I’m overthinking everything and making some half-assed planning I'll most likely end up throwing away at some point.

Okay, so leaning towards one of the Improvisational secondaries. Cool :)

When looking at other secondaries tho, I relate to some aspects of them, but not the core thing about them, if it makes any sense. I mean, I understand that as complex humans we won't relate to our sortings 100% all the time, but it seems like the key characteristic is always missing.

Like Lion, for example. I’ve been told I can give some pretty inspirational speeches and a few times after project presentations classmates told me I should probably get into theater or become a coach lmao. I’ve always been a bit of an improviser, too? I don’t tend to think much before presentations, usually there's just a guideline and then I come up with all the nice words on the spot. I seem to be able to do and learn things rather intuitively too, like getting high scores on essays about books I didn’t read or on tests I barely studied for, if at all. And still have no idea how I did that...

Almost certainly an Improvisational secondary, then. Not sure which. Either that or you have two models happening.

But the actual Lion thing, the need for integrity and being myself at all times? I don’t have it. That "inspirational" bit people mention is probably more related to me being rather good with words and voice intonation, it doesn’t necessarily come from a place of genuineness. It does feel more like a performance, I'm actively trying to be entertaining and catch people's attention while explaining the subject. Guess I also prefer to take more indirect approaches to solve problems, rather than charging.

So it sounds like Lion is less of a thing for you. Let's think about Snake instead.

As for Badger, I think there’s at least some performance going on. The thing about getting unprompted confessions and having people randomly asking for favors? Happens pretty often. I consider myself more fluid too, and I relate more to the Badger description of “mirroring” than the Snake thing of becoming someone that’s “charming” for a certain person. Especially because social cues aren’t exactly my forte haha. So it’s easier to go along with and reciprocate whatever vibe the person is giving off. I’m definitely not a community builder tho. Relying on people makes me anxious and I generally feel more comfortable with smaller groups. I would say I'm a caretaker, but that's it.

I don't think Snakes would have a hard time mirroring if they wanted to. A Snake who wants to give off chill vibes can (consciously or subconsciously) just decide to do the Badger mirror thing. And if you do that a lot, then yes, people are going to feel safe around you and you get the random confessions thing.

That's not to say you don't have any Badger, though.

The hardworking and showing up part are definitely tools I’ve used before and it’s what helped me get hired for jobs more than once now. Work ethic is important, but I guess I focus too much on the end results and “work smarter, not harder” is not a philosophy I tend to go against. As long as I can still be efficient and provide good results, I don’t mind taking shortcuts. In fact, it would feel a little selfish to me to keep up a slower, less updated method if I can be more productive and finish things faster by trying something different (really hope I'm not offending anyone by saying this, it's just a personal view).

"Tools" is the word you use, and I know you said you're thinking your secondary is Burned, but it's interesting how neutrally you talk about this. You don't seem emotionally invested in Badger, either as part of your identity or with those complex mixed feelings Burned Houses often have.

Maybe you use Badger sometimes as a performance, but from the sound of it, it doesn't feel like it's yours.

Finally, Snake. The parts where Badgers and Snakes overlap are definitely the ones I relate to the most. But, like Snakes, I don’t need to believe what I’m saying to make it work. I only have to believe I’m being convincing enough haha. The less I think about it, the better.

Hmm. I was already leaning towards Snake for you, but I wonder if "the less I think about it, the better" isn't a leftover habit you have from pushing Snake aside to use Bird. I'm probably reading too much into this.

When I was younger I used to take some pride in being a pretty good "“liar"”, but I don’t know why I started feeling like people can see right through me? That they’ll think I’m always faking everything and can’t be trusted.

Ooh, imposter syndrome. Fun.

So, you used to take pride in this, but you started feeling like you weren't good at using Snake? And you're thinking your old secondary might be Burned.

Anxiety™ definitely doesn’t help with that, however I started wondering if part of it comes from having a very, *very* loud Lion secondary mom and she always expected our relationship to be open and honest. I’m glad I can be like that with her, I even agree that when the matter is important enough, you should be honest and communicate with your loved ones.

So there's a family/community expectation that conflicts with your using Snake...

But when being so open in general isn’t in my nature and I have to force myself to be a little more like her…. Maybe I internalized that being indirect and reserved is inherently bad and I feel guilty when that’s precisely my first instinct.

So, Lion REALLY isn't your thing. I'm very much leaning towards Snake for you.

But as I said, I’m not a people charmer. More like a negotiator, maybe. And reading some Snake secondary statements, it does come across as a little… “extreme” to me. Like having multiple accounts with personas that don’t overlap? I have three atm, with a lot of overlapping, and it already feels overwhelming lmao.

There isn't a set way to use the secondaries. Snake in particular is very adaptable and it's definitely up to you how you use it. The specifics of how other Snakes use their secondary aren't a requirement for you to be one.

"Negotiator" absolutely is a form Snake can have, and if you can identify yourself with a fluid, reactive word like that, then that's a hopeful sign that you're un-Burning.

And the world better watch out when you do... A Snake with a strong Bird model? Hell yes, that's a combination :D

I wrote this trying to sort myself more than anything, but at the end of the day, guess I’m still a bit lost. If I had to pick one… Maybe I’m closer to being a Badger…. A very impatient one, if that's possible.

Aww, hon, your mom just doesn't realize how awesome Snakes can be.

I think you're slowly recovering your Snake, but you're only letting yourself adapt in ways that look Badger, because Badger is safe and socially acceptable. Especially to your family... you said you're a Snake primary and if your mom is Important to you in a loyalties way, you might find that changes how you treat your Houses.

Anyways, I was curious to know what your considerations would be! Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to read all of this mess and commenting on it. Hope you stay safe and have a great week!

This was very articulate and not a mess at all ^^ hope this helps!

-Paint

[kikifeliz]

THE WEEK AHEAD: May 3 - May 9, 2021

By Kiki Feliz

♑️♉️♍️ Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo

More action this week than last, which is good! Last week was about planning — and in some ways, planning poorly or neglectfully. I saw last week that some of you are struggling with your identities, figuring out who you really want to be in this world & how you want to present yourselves to others.

This week, I see some of your ideas about who you are starting to take shape on the physical plane; I also see that you are putting your heart into it more! Not necessarily emotionally, as in self-love, but like courageously. Think about how they say athletes etc. have “heart,” meaning they are dedicated for the love of the accomplishment/the love of the game. The self-love aspect will come, but for those of you who know about the Tarot, this reading is dominated by Wands (spirited, organized action & courage) rather than Cups (emotions).

I see you’ve been fighting your intuition, likely about spiritual work that needs to be done. There’s a lot of resistance and defensiveness here. It looks like some of you are trying to protect yourself from something. For some, it’s from a player-type romantic figure; others of you may be trying to protect yourself from addictive behaviors and substance abuse.

You seem to be fighting a problem that you are wholly responsible for; something you’ve conjured up in your own head. Ultimately you have complete power and control over this situation, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Even if the opposition (the addiction or the romantic interest) does have some standing here, that doesn’t really mean anything — it’s standing that YOU have given them. Tear it down whenever you’re ready! If this means going to rehab for addiction recovery, do that. If this means cutting this person down from the pedestal you’ve built them, DO THAT! The pedestal might not even be that high (meaning you may not actually consider this person to be that dope) but still, cut that shit down. STOP FUCKING SPYING ON THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA!! It’s not helpful lmao 😂

Take a rest from engaging with whatever this is, and go find some respect. Whether this is respect from your community of likeminded people or self-respect, you need to figure out for yourself. Either way, focus on other people and other, healthier social activities. Maybe get off of social media for a few days altogether. Go hang out with people you haven’t seen in a while. Go for a hike and spend some time outside! But most of all, you need to give this old pattern a rest and cleanse your system of the person/substance so you can move forward.

Once you do this, I see things moving very harmoniously for you! Drop the ball on recovery, however, and you’ll be right back in the cycle of juggling dumb shit and self-sabotaging, taking away valuable resources from your own brain and/or wallet that you could be using for something else more valuable in the long run.

I don’t need to tell you that this addiction/person is bullshit, you already know. This situation may have brought out a side of you that you don’t like; maybe you have even resorted to negative manipulations in order to try to get what you wanted from this situation, or to score (relevant in both the sexual & drug-related sense of the word).

If it’s a person, maybe you thought that you were meant to be together ~/*if only you could outlast the competition*/~. This is simply just NOT TRUE. This is NOT an episode of The Bachelor!

If it’s a drug/alcohol issue, you may have stolen from your parents to fund the habit or done other things as an act of rebellion against tradition. Either way, I see you struggling mentally to win this fight, but not for long. There may even be some enablers in your life that you will have to eliminate.

You are strong enough to win and you do have a community of people cheering you on! Take that hype then use that as fuel to help you remember why it’s important for you to win this battle. Or, alternatively, rather than “hype” it could be negative reactions to the situation told to you by friends and family... maybe they didn’t like how someone was treating you, or how you were treating the community or yourself as a result of your contact with this person/substance. Either way, your community is far more important than this person or this substance. Remember that! There is absolutely hope on the horizon for success in leaving this situation behind.

Something fated is going to happen for y’all very soon! This may have to do with an adventure you’ve been waiting to take the next step on, a trip you’re already on to a new destination for those of you who are planning on traveling, or a goal you’re already pursuing. It may be the rebirth of a long-awaited dream, one that you’ve been stuck reflecting on for a while. You may have thought this dream was dead, but the universe was just waiting for the right time to give it to you.

You’ve had a lot of struggles, but I see you coming into a period of light, independence, joy and work. Some of you may be recovering from really horrible incidents, like depression, sexual assaults, thefts, break-ins, and anxiety, but I want you to know that recovery is imminent and I see you consciously taking a hold of your recovery through acts of joy and through your work!

Whether this defeated feeling you may have stems from addiction or a negative incident that had a bad effect on your psyche, I want you to know that recovery is a PRACTICE and it takes time. And that’s okay! Just keep the lines of communication open with yourself and others; most importantly be HONEST with yourself and you will absolutely be capable of taking back control over your life. Big CEO energy here — get ready to make some executive decisions soon!

Keep in mind that nothing happens overnight and that you will need to work hard on all of your goals in order to accomplish them. Temptation (that trap, that pit) is always going to be there, but you have to take the reins and drive around it, or go consciously in the other direction. This will be hard and it will take longer than you expect; you will also have to confront your shadow side in order to succeed long-term, which will be scary. But approach yourself with love and positivity. In the meantime, do what you can to make yourself feel attractive. This is the start of a whole new you! That person is worth patiently and consciously doing the work for, right?

In love, if you’re dating, it looks like some of you may be caught up with some lies, infidelity, or self-sabotaging (either by you or by someone else). If this is the case, declare your independence and GTFO. Seriously. This situation is giving off bad vibes anyway. It may take a while for you to trust enough to love again, but you absolutely will. You are attractive, kindhearted, and sweet! That’s an irresistible combo.

If you’re single and thinking about approaching someone romantically this week, you can... but you probably aren’t ready, and the attempt may come off as immature and poorly planned. If you really think this person is your soulmate, then I would advise giving it a better effort. The person you plan to approach may be very defensive or shut off. Be prepared to bring on a Major Romantic Gesture if you want to seduce them and take down their walls! Regardless, take a chill pill on the social media stalking, bud — you’ll just psych yourself out. Go outside and hang out with your friends instead!

If you’re in a relationship, it looks like silly squabbles may be coming between y’all, but I do see a possibility of them being resolved with some balance. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. Change the subject, have some patience, and if you are really at an impasse, then take a break to yourself to reflect. Otherwise, things could get ugly and we don’t want that! Is there something you’re being willfully blind to? Something you are ignoring? I see it becoming a big problem later on.

For those of you who are committed, someone in the relationship may be judgmental about the other person’s friend group (are they bad influences?? Perhaps. But that’s none of their business if everyone is adults). If this is the case, suck it up and go find some work to do... they aren’t going to change their friends for you, so let it go. Domineering attitudes will not help the matter. Just compartmentalize the time you spend with those people and leave it at that.

You and your partner are allowed to have your own independent lives, so let that happen. If this is an issue, I see it being unresolved for quite some time. But if you stay open to the love and to helping each other grow, and remind each other how attractive you find each other, despite the negatives, I see you bringing this back from the brink of death and successfully turning over a new leaf/making it to the next chapter in the relationship!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #378

“come as you are, as you were, as i want you to be”

Have you ever dreamt in another language? No. How long will you try out something you don’t enjoy before giving up on it? It really depends, but in most cases, admittedly very quickly. What’s something you recently realized or discovered about yourself? *shrug* What’s the most interesting news you read or received recently? What about the most depressing? Not in a good way really, but it was certainly interesting to learn I have such severe sleep apnea. Like, I was certain I didn't. The most depressing would be uhhhh... I guess Jason's mother's death, but I don't know how "recent" you'd consider that by now. Would you let politics get in the way of a relationship? It depends. Some beliefs I absolutely would not tolerate (like anti-LGBT), others I would just agree to disagree with. What is one way in which you need to learn to control yourself? I need to get better at controlling my mouth when I'm extremely upset. Do you use a photo editor? I use Lightroom and Photoshop for photography. Is your dad overweight? No, I think he's actually underweight. Ever been honked at? Yes. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend has had? Easton, I think? An old middle school friend had him. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yes, but they never work for me. How did your parents pick your name? I dunno. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you have a balcony? No. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Man, I get chills easily with music. David Draiman from Disturbed, his cover of "Sound of Silence" is BREATHTAKING. That's number one. There are many others, they're just not coming to me at the moment. Do you have a drone? No. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. I got some crazy hot sauce. Have you ever discovered something gross in your food at McDonalds? No. What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? A sandwich. How long did your shortest relationship last? Like a day lmao. Would you rather have a trampoline or swimming pool? A POOL!!!! I've talked before about how I want one so, SO very badly to exercise my legs without having to worry about sweat, and I can take a break the very moment I need to. Do you own a Snuggie? Yeah, somewhere. Do you listen to any unsigned bands/singers? Who? Yeah, quite a few on YouTube, but my favorite in Jonathan Young. He is SO damn talented. Who is your favorite video game character? Pyramid Head from the Silent Hill franchise. What kind of pictures do you post on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat most frequently? Mostly of my pets lmao. Have you ever been on vacation with a significant other? No. Have you ever considered “unplugging”/taking a significant period of time away from technology? No. I know I'd never stick to it. Do you prefer to watch a documentary that is about a situation/event or a documentary that is more of a personal character study/biography? The latter. Meerkat Manor comes to mind with that, and everyone knows how much I adore that show. There was also one about rhesus macaques I fell in love with. Basically, I love animal docs, haha. Can you think of a recent time in which you might have been better off resisting, but you did something because you “just couldn’t help yourself”? Probably eating something. When you are getting to know someone, do you tend to worry that the other person will lose interest in you once they get to know the “real” you? Yyyyep. What is something that you would like to do, but really aren’t able to because of your location? (e.g., see art or get a certain job) Man, a lot of things. Photograph meerkats is a biggie. What sort of job do you think is best suited for your skills? Is this an in-demand position or something you’re unlikely to actually get? If I could actually handle the heat and was in good shape to traverse the outdoors, I think I'd be a great wildlife biologist. Even more though, if I could beat my social anxiety, I would ADORE being an animal educator with kids. Do you believe it is the responsibility of businesses, or prominent business leaders (think Bill Gates) to take the lead on social issues whether by using their influence or their money? Saying it's their "responsibility" sounds unfair and puts a lot of weight on their shoulders, but I do feel they should by their own volition and kindness use their position for good, such as through monetary assistance and other things. Have you ever gone to a job interview and realized that you didn’t want the job? Yep. Have you ever asked that someone sacrifice something (a habit, relationship, job, etc.) for you? A habit, yes. Looking back it was stupid as shit. What would you call your body type? Ew. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Considering I spend them with my sister's bigoted, homophobic, and racist in-laws, not especially. I always feel very uncomfortable and disliked among everyone for being the "black sheep" among 'em. Is your vision good? God no. Even with my glasses, it's very poor. I need a new prescription badly. Do both of your parents have jobs? Mom has something of the sort, like she cleans a local church for a small pay, but it's not really a "job." She's still recovering from cancer, getting her strength back up and such before she can handle a consistent job. Dad's had a job for as long as I've lived. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? How heteronormative. But whatever. It's so fucking cheesy, but singing a cute song to me while slowdancing sounds so super adorable to me. What food are you craving right now? I am craving something sweet like you wouldn't believe. It's annoying. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. Do you have a lot of scars? Yes, but most are very negligible. I just scar extremely easily. Last person you saw other than your family? My primary doctor. Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? The The Lion King remake. Who was the last person you played a video game with? Ummm I think Girt. Last game you played at an arcade? Zero clue. What was your favorite nursery rhyme as a child? I THINK I particularly liked "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider?" None stand out strongly, though. What is your favorite cousin’s first name? I don’t have a favorite cousin. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? I think with a friend to prevent loneliness, but at the very same time, I see a great beauty in traveling on your own. Just taking new things in, seeing so many different cultures, beautiful scenery... I feel it'd be a great chance for exploration of insight. Remind yourself how small you are, that there's a much, much bigger picture than your own problems, that people are so unique but hopefully share common morals... I see a lot of poetry in it. Do you like the smell of coffee? It's one of my favorite smells. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I can't possibly pick. I watch literally hundreds on deviantART, and many of them absolutely blow my mind. What’s one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? My lack of a career. Outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus? Well, online ones for writing. When you see a good-looking girl in skimpy clothing, what is your initial thought? I envy her confidence, like gotdamn girl. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. Are you on a laptop or desktop? A laptop. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Domino's or Little Caesar's. What was the name of the last dog you pet? We've been calling the dog we're holding right now Zoe. Have you ever had anything stolen from you? Yes. Have you ever seen the White House? I don't think so, but it's possible I have when we've driven up to New York, but from a distance. How about Niagara Falls? No. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? I just like regular iceberg lettuce with some bacon bits and ranch. Man, that sounds good right about now. Any posters of a band on your bedroom wall? Yeah, Metallica and Marilyn Manson. Do you think it’d be cool to have your body mummified after you die? No. I couldn't rock the mummy look even if I tried, haha. Can you tell the difference between a Scottish & an Irish accent? Not really, no. Can you read music? I used to be able to. Do you work the night shift? I don’t have a job, but if I did, I absolutely do not want to work the night shift anywhere. Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? Yes. Is your mother diabetic? Are you? She is, but I'm not. Would you like to learn how to make ceramic pottery? It'd be cool, sure. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. Who did you last kiss? My cat. Why did you last lie? I don't recall. Probably to just avoid confrontation with Mom. What do you put on your hamburgers? Cheese, ketchup, and mustard, generally. Who do you think cares the most about you? My mom. Have you ever sent a dirty picture? No. What’s at the center of your dining table? Honestly, we sit in there so rarely that I don't even know. I think we might have nothing, actually. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Do you like being outside? If it's cool, yes. What’s your favourite condiment? Maybe ketchup. Or honey mustard. Who sang/played the last song you listened to? Chris Motionless is the singer of Motionless In White. I don't know if that's his real last name, though. Do you like yoga? I used to. Now all the bending and shit would make me dizzy as hell with my "how are you still alive" level of low blood pressure. Do you always carry breath mints? No, but I do carry Tictacs with me, but they're for my dry mouth. It forces you to salivate, so it helps. What do you think your reaction would be upon entering the White House? I don't really know. I honestly don't even know how it looks inside. Thinking about it, I'd probably be more scared than anything, waiting for a bomb to drop or some shit lmao. Have you ever grown your own sea monkeys or dinosaurs? OH MY GOD I LOVED those!!! I definitely did! Have you ever thrown a game controller (or the game) and broke it? No, I've never been the type to do that. If I'm SERIOUSLY getting mad, all I do is tighten my grip. Did you ever own an Etch-a-Sketch? Yes. Do/did you ever have glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling? I believe so. What movie were you really worked up for that ended up disappointing you? My answer is Warcraft, but only because the fucking orcs' voices were so baritone that I couldn't understand them almost ever lmaooo. Like I had a mild idea of what was going on because of the game, but still. What part of a paper is hardest for you to write? The intro, or the conclusion. Both are difficult to me. Like I want to compose a gripping beginning as well as an end that doesn't just repeat everything I've already said and ends on a strong note. Does it bother you that almost everything is done on computers now? No. KFC Chicken: original or extra crispy? I don't like fried chicken. Think about your first kiss. Did you have any idea what you were doing? I mean, I guess? Like I'd seen kisses enough to know how to give someone a peck. It just came naturally. Did you get Happy Meals just for the toys as a kid? Not just for the toy, but it's the main thing I wanted, sure. Have you ever seen your parents cry? If so, how did it make you feel? Seeing my mom cry absolutely destroys me. I don't want her to hurt EVER. Especially if it's seriously unfair bullshit that has her upset, I also get very angry (not at her, of course) and protective. I've seen Dad tear up once, back when he was telling us about his mother's funeral, and I felt immense surprise more than anything. He does NOT cry. How do you feel about animal testing? It's fucking disgusting and barbaric. Find a different goddamn way. Do you add condiments to your ice cream, or just eat it plain? If I'm having vanilla, I'll usually add chocolate syrup. Have you ever witnessed a crime? Yes. What’s the coolest personalized license plate you’ve ever seen? I'm forever gonna get a kick out of this one that just said "omw," haha.

[purplesurveys]

1124

survey by nadine07

Three Names You Are Called:

1. Robyn, by virtually everybody. 

2. Byn, by close family members.

3. For some reason I have some friends who call me Bynbyn? even though I never established it as a nickname?? but they use it as an affectionate nickname so ultimately I don’t mind it. It just takes me aback sometimes, lmao.

Three Colors You Are Wearing At the Moment:

1. Red

2. White

3. Pink. Or light purple, depending on how you see it.

The Last Three People To Call You:

1. My mom, though I missed the call because I was at work earlier.

2. I just saw that Ysa, my director, also tried to call me. This story is so fucking stupid...I physically went to the office last Wednesday to pack some groceries, and all day long I had been leaving the door slightly ajar every time I had to go out because I haven’t had my biometrics enrolled yet and I don’t hold the keys to the office (and I was the only one who requested to go there for that day).

Of course, knowing my luck, the door slipped while I was out (I had to very briefly hand a package to a courier), locking me out of the goddamn office with all my shit inside. Even worse, I had a meeting going on with a client – I had speaking parts assigned to me, and I got locked out like 30 seconds before my part would start. I’m guessing Ysa called me during the time I disappeared but I obviously couldn’t have answered the phone. It was infuriating, especially since my manager had to cover for my slides which she didn’t practice for.

I’ll no longer get into how I managed to get back inside since it’s another embarrassing and complicated story altogether, but suffice it to say I was really upset about the whole thing and I still feel uneasy imagining how that meeting could’ve gone down with my disappearance.

3. A courier. They usually call when they’re already arrived where you are, so that they know where exactly to meet up with you.

Three Days You Look Forward To Each Year:

1. My birthday, because it’s kinda cool turning into a different age.

2. Whenever Wrestlemania is scheduled, which is usually late March or early April.

3. ...I don’t have any either favorite days/dates.

Three Jobs You've Had:

1. PR associate.

2. That’s my first job. I’ve had two internships before that, and they were both at PR agencies.

3. -

Three Bands/Singers You Love:

1. Paramore

2. Beyoncé

3. The Japanese House

Three People You've Talked To Today:

1. It’s exactly 7 AM. I could’ve talked to my parents when they headed downstairs earlier but I pretended I was still asleep on the couch so that they couldn’t, hahaha. They’ve since gone out to jog. I don’t think I’ve said a word at all yet this morning, actually.

2. -

3. -

Three Things You Could Grab From Where You're Sitting:

1. My phone.

2. The other end of this table.

3. My vape pen.

The Last Three Things You've Had to Drink:

1. I most recently had a glass of water after I finished my bag of salted egg chips.

2. I finished off the last of my coffee.

3. I also drank soju last night as an impromptu thing because I saw that I still had a peach-flavored one (my favorite) in the fridge.

Three People You Can Always Count On:

1. Angela.

2. Andi.

3. I’m also gonna name Pia even though we aren’t the closest. Girl has been crazy supportive over the last few months.

Three Places You Want to Go:

1. That I haven’t been to yet? Seoul in South Korea.

2. Thailand.

3. Morocco.

The Last Three Places You've Gone:

1. Other than places in the house – the local coffee shop inside my village.

2. The office.

3. The Starbucks beside the office. I had arrived a bit early so I had some time to walk over there and order something.

The Last Three Non-Relatives You've Hung Out With:

1. Angela.

2. Hans.

3. We were 8 in the group the last time we went out lol. But aside from the above, Pia (a different one) was the one who made the most effort to talk to me as well.

Three People To Be Stranded On A Desert Island With:

1. Angela.

2. Kate.

3. Not sure. Maybe Al for some comic relief while we try to survive there?

Three Smells You Love:

1. Cookies being baked.

2. A hotel room.

3. Seafood.

Three People You Look Up To:

1. Angela’s mom.

2. Andi.

3. My manager, Bea. Well she just got promoted, so I guess I’ll call her my director now, hahaha.

Three Places You've Lived:

1. The duplex where I mostly grew up, just a village away from my current one. I got to experience living in either house, as well.

2. Tondo, Manila. With my dad’s family.

3. Sampaloc, Manila. My parents briefly had an apartment and I was there for like a few months as a newborn.

Three Good Teachers You've Had:

1. My music teacher for the entirety of high school.

2. My professor in international relations.

3. My professor in my social history and history of Filipino women electives.

Three Things You're Good At:

1. I gotta say I’m great at parking, hahaha. Backward parking, parallel parking, you name it.

2. Going through my to-do list and finishing off every task by the end of the day.

3. Reflexes, or reacting/responding immediately, especially in games.

The Last Three People You've Kissed:

1. Gabie.

2. -

3. -

The Last Three People You've Dated:

1. Gabie.

2. -

3. -

Three People With Whom You've Shared a Secret:

1. Andi.

2. JM.

3. Jo was the first person I informed about my breakup, and I didn’t even reveal it publicly until like three months after. I didn’t expect to confide in her especially since we aren’t the closest, but I think I was just desperate to tell someone then to finally acknowledge reality.

Three Irresponsible Things You've Done:

1. Vape.

2. Road rage.

3. Leave my laptop in a classroom as I left to go to another class, in another building.

Three Movies You Love:

1. Two for the Road.

2. Revolutionary Road.

3. Room.

The Last Three People You've Gone to the Movies With:

1. Angela.

2. Leigh.

3. Gabie.

The Last Three People You've Ridden in a Car With:

1. Laurice.

2. Kuya Toby.

3. Lui.

Three Facts About Your #1:

1. Can I name my best friends instead? Angela is in her final year of college taking up architecture.

2. She has two shih tzus, Hailey and Kennedy.

3. Her mom is a pediatrician and has her own clinic in their home.

Three Places You've Gone With Your #2:

1. I haven’t been too adventurous with Andi...most recently we’ve gone to a Korean barbecue joint for a one-on-one catch up date.

2. TK.

3. Rita’s house.

Three Things You've Done With Your #3:

1. Kate works for the government.

2. Last time I talked to her, she’s still set on retake a law school exam after not getting admitted to her campus of choice last year.

3. She had a bad habit of dating orgmates.

Three Things You Have in Common With Your #4:

1. Laurice is great at debate.

2. She lives in the south, so I don’t get to see her a lot.

3. She has a cute habit of calling many of our friends by their respective honorifics, even though they’re the same age or even when she’s literally older than some of them.

Three Things That Annoy You:

1. Making the effort to go to a store and seeing they’re closed for the day, even though they didn’t indicate it in their social media accounts.

2. Offices of government agencies and their ever-grumpy staff.

3. Filipinos’ tendency to turn 3 lanes into 6 during a traffic jam.

Three Things That Attract You To The Opposite Sex:

1. Asexual. Pass.

2. - 

3. - 

Three Material Items You'd Save If You're House Was On Fire:

1. My laptop, since all my work files and a whole ton of memories are in here.

2. My phone, so I can update family and friends.

3. My glasses. Realistically, I wouldn’t care about any of these and would jump up to grab my dogs instead.

Three Careers You've Considered:

1. Journalist.

2. Lawyer.

3. Historian.

Three Things You Wish You Knew About Your Future:

1. Whether marriage or kids will be part of mine.

2. When I’m dying, and what from.

3. Where I’ll end up living, and what kind of housing.

The Last Three Songs You Listened To:

1. Wait On - Hayley Williams

2. Good Grief - Hayley Williams

3. Over Those Hills - Hayley Williams. Stream Flowers for Vases, friends.

Three Things You Consider Lucky:

1. I don’t believe in lucky charms.

2. - 

3. - 

Three T.V. Show Characters You Wish Were Real:

1. Mr. Peanutbutter from BoJack Horseman.

2. Chandler Bing from Friends.

3. Glenn Rhee from The Walking Dead.

Three Issues You Have Strong Opinions On:

1. Racial equality. 

2. Gender equality.

3. Abortion rights.

Three Things You Wish You Could Change About Yourself:

1. That I wasn’t so clumsy at work.

2. That I wasn’t too selfless all the time to just about anyone.

3. That I had a better hold of my finances and keep spending just because I’m still within budget, heheh.

Three People From Your Past You Wish You Could Spend a Day With:

1. My grandpa, who passed away before I could properly grow up and shoot the shit with him over some beer.

2. Nacho.

3. Sofie, so we can properly catch up, just the two of us.

Three Famous People You'd Like to Meet:

1. Beyoncé.

2. Hayley Williams.

3. Leni Robredo.

Three Things You Are Wearing:

1. A t-shirt.

2. A pair of shorts.

3. Underwear.

The Last Three Places You Went That Were More Than 2 Hours Away:

1. Tagaytay.

2. My dad’s family’s home in Laguna.

3. Those are the only places we’ve been to where we had to travel for a while.

The Last Three Reasons You Went to the Hospital:

1. Blood and urine test for my ~mystery illness~ last year.

2. I had to be confined for a couple of days because of low platelet count.

3. ...I was born. I haven’t made many trips to the hospital. 

Three Things You Are Addicted To:

1. I’ve never felt comfortable using the term addicted because it’s an actual condition...but if you mean to ask for what I’m hooked to at the moment, I’d go with coffee.

2. And salted egg chips. I literally bought five bags of chips yesterday and I’m already finished with my third.

3. Anything Korean, tbh. Korean food, shows, music, etc...the Korean Wave is very strong over here and I’ve finally been reeled all the way in.

Three Favorite Colors:

1. Baby pink or pastel pink.

2. Mustard yellow.

3. Maroon.

Three Things You Will Do Now That This Is Over:

1. Find another one to take for later.

2. Finish my breakfast, and maybe heat up some leftover pasta because I’m still hungry.

3. Maybe get my embroidering template so I can make some progress today.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

even more prompts catchup

April 5th: What was school like for you, or what is it currently like for you if you are still in school? Elementary, high school, post-secondary?

i Hate/d school lmfao......like i do Like To Learn and Know Shit, and of course Sometimes / on some occasions it was like, hey i'm having a good to pretty great time at school, but those were usually Special occasions or teachers going out of their way to give us you know, fun projects / go beyond the Standardized Testing curriculum, which natch they couldn't always do / did require sort of going Above & Beyond, rather than being the constant, guaranteed experience of like hooray for school......it's like, oh hooray re: the Play Scenes my fourth grade english class did that was like, an Extra thing, where we got to audition and i just had a great time like oh right, clearly Theatre in retrospect, or hooray re: the field trips, or projects we did In Class, since i hated homework.......i was always that accursed (i mean, not accursed for Me, but) combination of "really a terrible student but also gets great grades" lmao i forever do things Last Minute but like, when i was At school, in class, i'd just power through whatever work there was then & there usually, and in middle school would sometimes do hw on the bus, as i was the last on the bus route to be picked up in the morning or dropped off in the afternoon, but as soon as i got home i was in Home Mode and yknow. didn't just sit down and continue School Stuff asap. also hardly ever Studying unless it's the night / morning before a test lmfao but i had a great memory for that stuff, so studying that last minute was like "yep, i Do remember this from going over it 2 seconds ago" so yknow, despite hating school / no good Study Habits(tm) or anything, i did fine. i also read a ton, at home or at school and at any other point. so i was also like, quiet and generally ~well behaved~ or whatever lol (the like "how are kids (or anyone) supposed to stay focused and on task for 7+ hours a day..." thing), segue into next paragraph

i also remember like, 3 day a week preschool being the first time i was, you know, in some sort of School and also around other kids that much, i did have this sense that like, somehow there were Rules that i wasn't following, not re: Classroom Rules or something, but wrt socializing with peers, like that everyone else had something going on in how they interacted which i wasn't gonna get right, & i had this sense of like, not really being Allowed to interact lmao, even being 4 years old i have a few distinct memories re: this of like, a) choosing to play by myself in the classroom or when outside, and b) my "best friend" being the one person who just like, chose to hang out with me lmfao, but i was like oh cool Having A Friend lmao, like i didn't Not want to have friends, i was just already aware of like, i don't feel like i can just up and interact w/these people and i don't feel like they want me to, and c) re: that being aware of whatever Rules Of Interaction existing and that i wouldn't meet them / abide by them and thus there'd be some kind of repercussion for not meeting those rules, and not being allowed, i remember that like. there was this other indoor playspace in the lower level and there were toys i wanted to play with but Refrained from, and it was like, why did 4 yr old me get the idea i Wasn't Really Allowed, and most of what i can theorize is that it was like, well other kids might want to play with that, and the Normal / Better kids should get priority lmao, and/or being nervous that it just might otherwise lead to some sort of Interaction i wouldn't feel ready for.....and d) sitting at a table with like whatever 4 or 5 other kids or something and amongst ourselves someone was like "oh put your foot in the middle if you're [x]" and i tried to join in on a technicality lmfao and also just in, you know, active efforts to be Participating with these other kids on their terms, and it did not pay off, something that repeated uhhhhh, forever i guess lol. insert that post like can allistic people be normal for 5 seconds.....

like in elementary school i wasn't really making friends either, incredibly, i was Amicably Tolerated by many people then & like, again also at any point after at least lmao (and it helps that i was generally in teachers' good graces, not that i narced on anyone ever, but i had like, my Niche as the Academically Successful One, and also i was the kid who draws, another shoutout to some post and tweet about how being The Drawing Kid was like, some measure of respect but also disdain lmfao...) and sometimes people would again like. choose to interact with me repeatedly, and i'd sort of be nonplussed at best b/c it's like, okay thanks but in this situation i didn't Choose this any more than i choose [Trying to be in the group but being rejected/excluded], so it's kinda weird, i was friends with someone for a few years in elementary school but we just were Coincidentally in the same class for those years, when we were in different classes in 3rd or 4th grade and just weren't seeing each other it fizzled out, in middle school i made another couple friends where we were all being Funny lmao, but i didn't go to high school, so once again we weren't seeing each other, and [At School] was where i always had most Interactions with people, didn't see people much outside of school even if we were hanging out / being friends During school, for [a whole tangent] reasons, so. guess the good news is i'm still in touch / friendly acquaintances with some people from school from college, but even then, there was Some more social success or whatever, but not all That much, and i was still unhappy like, not having many friends, often being like "i'm going to the cafe a block away b/c i have no social occasions here and i want to get out of the dorm / be around people," that if i was with more than one other person i could end up the third wheel friend lmao or nobody is paying attention when you talk or oh no i put myself out there hanging with a friend group but maybe people thought you were a joke or something, thanks. smh

and that like, speaking of college, i went early but this was, for my part, truly primarily driven like "well i hate school so if i can Not go to high school, okay" and like, while i got in and everything it was still like "tf is college, i've never known what i Want To Do so i wonder if i'll figure this out, but i'm not expecting to last past the first semester / year b/c this is college and i'm a terrible student actually lol" but then turns out i kept doing well enough like A's & B's like oh woops i guess i'm still here, then, hope i can figure out what tf "credit hours" means (finally did lol).....then sophomore year was a bunch of just Agonizing over "what tf do i major in," something i never figured out, wherein i might bring something up & it got parentally shot down like "never heard you talk about that" like what tf Did you hear me talk about? are you thinking i had my life figured out by age 9, b/c i didn't think that, i'm only 15/16 even Now, even being the Regular college age it's like, nobody's figuring their life out then. also i didn't tell my parents things, so. and then i settle on something that sure, Might've been of interest, but also it was like, a) a program that barely existed and req'd taking classes at a like 30 min away campus and also the head of department had Just retired and the most heinous teacher in the related fields was now in charge, brilliant and b) the sort of thing you'd just wanna start taking prerequisites for like as soon as you set foot on campus, like, great. and c) i was like, hardly feeling all the Academic Ambition anyway b/c i never had, b/c i hate/d school, and b/c i still didn't Know what i wanted to major in, and i was stressed n depressed and also realizing oh right, i'm not cishet, and oh right, i'm never going to get along with my family b/c [long tangent] reasons and that's kind of concerning, here i am impending Being 18 and like, how do i get out of this b/c it's becoming clearer that i'm not just gonna start getting along with the 'rents now that i'm not an elementary schooler and also now that i'm realizing the Reasons being at home sucks. guess i learned stuff in college lol but also it was like, the experience of getting to be Away From Home and existing every day without parents literally / figuratively over my shoulder at some point every day, and getting to do shit on my own and figure things out while Not At Home.....i also had a lot of fun taking a couple classes from this one music prof lol. he was this weird really enthusiastic and really knowledgeable guy lmao like great, these evening classes where we go over to the arts building and he plays things on the piano off the cuff and tells a lot of tangential stories while we're learning about like, beethoven technically, or folk music. didn't need those classes but they were great, i've had these teachers who were totally into whatever they were teaching and had a great time with that

also acknowledgment to the fact i was a No Extracurriculars person all through school, k thru 6 and college alike really, although i took dance class for that k thru 6 period, just that was separate from school actually (and another fun "being away from home" thing and Theatresque performance thing i enjoyed) but besides that it was like, how do i figure out what i want to do without committing to joining this whole thing, i don't know How to sign up for stuff really either, and it'd probably entail "asking for stuff" and needing to coordinate more rides and etc and that's just a hassle, and i wanna go home from school asap anyways, and then like, when it came to college, i was again at first thinking like "well idk what i'm doing and i hate homework so i'll probably mess it up in this first year anyways" and figured that doing anything Extra outside classes was just gonna be too much, and also, it's like, i've never been in these kinds of groups before and why am i gonna start in college, where there'll probably be all these people who Have done this stuff before, and are also 18? e.g. even though it was like "hey you're away from home and don't have to ask/tell anyone else anything to do this club stuff or whatever!" supposed ideal environment for trying stuff out, it was like, maybe i'm theoretically interested in auditioning for the fall theatre production, but the last acting experience i had was like, "2 month drama class in middle school" or "that 4th grade [section of a] play" so like, not really Any education or experience or Training re: any of that stuff, and a bunch of 18 yr olds who might've, or [age peers] who were theatre people who had already done stuff so they weren't getting Lead Roles or anything but they were getting cast / taking classes / joining an a capella group while i'm like right on, i'm over here with some sort of Grade Honor Society (??) saying my gpa qualifies me to join and be able to experience some further academic rigor/requirements lmfao and i'm like absolutely not. get away lol. anyways so bit of a chaotique Post K12 Zone Education Experience there lmfao, all kinds of things i'd Like to Learn and even take classes on, but didn't like, right i love learning languages but never took classes, love math and shit but only got to a certain level of calc and even then seemed to miss some Lore, never did anything re: theatre, etc and so on. so you wonder if some advantages re: high school would be like, more chances for those extracurriculars (or regular curriculars) but, as though i wouldn't have the same qualms about getting in on any of it, and as if i wouldn't've still hated school but also still been at home, F. and i think people can be a lot more normal to each other when it's college and you're Not stuck in one building together 8 hours a day lmao, got some gentle "occasional Bullying style attention" in middle school, but had juuust enough like, [that Niche of good grades / kid who draws] and people who Were friendlier to me that it was you know, unpleasant, but didn't have to be that huge a deal, and then i was outta there soon enough. also, in college many people are 18 or older, as opposed to 11 to 13. anyways the rest of my school story was that in the end the problems were "i don't know what i want to major in and also now's a worse time than ever b/c i've realized my existence At Home is untenable, and naturally i am quite depressed & stressed about things, and i gotta say absolutely virtually every adult presence was either totally unhelpful to Counterproductive here lmao, like, not much anyone could do really but it's helpful when someone is like, i'll treat you like a person vs simply just going 'uh why are you not doing the academic stuff good enough'" lmfao like. the whole time Not having friends i'd wanna talk to through class and happening to get good grades in part b/c i somehow Could as easily as i did and also i was afraid of getting C's or worse b/c "tfw i wasn't even yet in a grade that gave you A thru F grades yet but my older sister caught shit for getting a C

like :/" and etc means adults are like My Student Is Fine, and also, what are you gonna do even if they aren't, i guess. i just had to figure out completely for myself Why and How i really wasn't Fine and that was quite difficult and also took a long time. then there was a mutual prank of "i drop out of college at the tail end of things" and "now i have to be at home with parent/s more resentful of your obvious Waywardness (insert: not being cishet, and the fact it occurs to me that my being autistic was always causing 'problem' behavior i was getting shit for like, the whole time lmfao, even if nobody knew / labeled it like oh this is for ND reasons, or if it was both true i tried to come out (smh, thought i Had to b/c that was part of Not Being Cishet) and it was simply ignored / unaddressed and yet it sure fueled further specific resentment of my not Performing Gender properly, or "worse," so that went well, in that i eventually abruptly left and did not maintain contact, in the interest of "the levels to which i was thriving was like, that if i bailed and like died 50 hrs later it'd still be what i want to do," true to that i did not / don't regret it. and what do you know, i was first able to bail to a relatively nearby friend from college's home, whose family also liked me lmao. shoutout to school still being where i made Any friends, except a friend i made who was a coworker of several years. and Online Friends, which, another school connection, that like, i can more readily Connect w/people via talking about interests, something that happened Sometimes at school in person lmao but not much, but also that i Talk About Interests in a way through Drawing, which, well shoutout to doodling in the margins of papers throughout school lmfao, it didn't hurt! that's my saga.

oh and that footnote, i also really enjoyed the "in middle school you either take language classes or 4 Electives you rotate through each year" and those electives sure featured some more varied and hands on activities i had a great time with. shoutout to like, cooking, and to shop class, my Car Designs were great apparently, idk how. shoutout to my Intuition re: engineering or something lmaoo.....very fun to just end the schoolday in that big garage space where you could actually open that garage door right to where all the buses were, beautiful. Oh, and that's another footnote, when my last class of the day in 8th grade was english, i'd sometimes finish work early and my teacher would let me go to our spacious library, with the v nice librarian who'd recommend books to me she thought should be checked out more often b/c she knew i liked to read that much, and also just generally had teachers / other adult staff kinda wandering in at the end of the day, talk about "i don't really relate to other ppl my age" where i did generally prefer to be around adults, so that was fun. oh and also shoutout to hating school lmao wherein during like, middle school when the schoolday started at like 7:30am or smthing disgusting and i just learned to like, view whatever time it was in a "at least it's almost [x]" like well okay, first period is math and that kinda sucks but at least once it's over this hardest part of the day will be over, then next class is kinda more chill at least, and then it'll be the last period before lunch, etc etc etc where i could sort of keep up that stamina like telling myself at any point it was Almost [a more encouraging time of day] lmao like. kinda fucked up to have to be dragging yourself through the weekdays like that, but

Oh! goddamn and i didn't even get into that if i ever got in ~trouble~ in elementary school it was stuff like Not Paying Attention, but where half the time that might be some other kid beside me messing around lmfao and i'm not gonna be like "uhhh follow the rules!!!" (and that even when i was In Trouble like go sit in the chair where you have to be quiet there for like 10 min i might say something to some other kid in that zone and they'd be like "um it's the quiet chair you have to be quiet!!" or "uh we're getting into the next lesson and you have to put that book back asap" like wow these other kids are dweebs about Rules lmfao) and there'd just be times like, it's 1st grade and i know how to read pretty well already but we're going over the alphabet like stoppp i know the Phonics already........or the ways ND people can kind of Intuit some stuff more successfully, like in third grade learning multiplication i neverrrrr studied but just broke it down like, okay i remember the Fives b/c of telling time, i know the 2x table and stuff, i know the commutative property, if we're all the way at the 8x and i haven't Memorized stuff, i can still like, break it down to say, [5 x 8] + [8 x 2] or something when i see 8 x 7, even if it takes a second lmfao.......and stuff like the tragedy of when i Did make a friend in like, 2nd grade, who i think we didn't even talk to each other ever?? i was playing legos or smthing by myself once during Indoor Recess and she just started playing agreeably along with me, aka someone socializing on My Terms apparently as our Introduction, and we just were friends past that but one time, not even during a Lesson Session, we were messing around quietly making each other laugh as the incredibly important process of "put papers in your folders" was going on, and since we were Not Paying Attention for some reason the teacher made a whole example of it where i had to carry my desk across the classroom for the Shaming Element of it and also so that i had to permanently sit way further from that friend, so that was kind of discouragement re: interacting at all. thank you to that teacher, who'd later once Gesticulate to me from across the gym that i should put my arms down at my sides rather than being crossed (we were rehearsing some class performance) & i had no idea what she was trying to convey, so afterwards she told me i had to have Reduced Recess Time or some shit because of Ignoring her instead of putting my arms down lmfao. and i was irritated at having been misinterpreted / my Intentions dictated to me and punished like that, but i was also used to it from adults lmfao and did not bother explaining myself lol like yeah god forbid i left my arms crossed on purpose and now i have to read some more during recess. tl;dr school has so much nonsense & i def had some Times re: being autistic & also just being someone who hated school forever lmao, think it was Also 2nd grade where one arbitrary sunday night i just cried out of frustration at having to go back for another normal school week. classic. oh and that also, while i wasn't like "oooo booksmart people who hate not having a Definitive Correct Answer to things &/or ohhh autistic ppl So Good at math, in a way everyone hates and disrespects, but they suck at Literature/Arts which requires you to reflect on humanity and shit," like, not only was i the drawing kid but i was also apparently ahead of the curve as it were at like, Literary Analysis lmfao where there was a few times in elementary school i'd be the kid providing the Interpretation like "what's this poem about / what's the theme or Symbolism in this story," but from elementary school to college it's like, for god's sake don't ask me to come up with a story / work with some really open ended prompt, i don't Invent in that way, and when i try to draw on Inspiration i'll get stuck on some specific source and be unable to do anything but just rip it off really lmao. but then again i was prolific in "it's 1st grade and you write and illustrate a little short story or smthing in these booklets

that we then have a simple little binding process for" like ohhh fancy, i got a tootsie roll lollipop at Awards Time for writing a shit ton of those lol. but that's like, when you're too young to have that much of a Creative Process anyways lmao. but then, my older sister, whose Thing was writing, has an incredible 2 Volume like, noir mystery saga from those elementary school times, it's a classic lmao. anyways once again so much to say about School lol closing the door after meandering on that one for this long lol

April 6th: Are you able to drive? If so, was it difficult to learn? What was difficult about it? If not, do you use any alternatives?

i did learn to drive, tbh just universally it's like, at any point you're driving there's A Lot to pay attention to at once, even if you think you're Good At That or whatever, which i sure don't think i always am lol, and it's pretty wild we just, you know, let everyone go around as fast as they want in machines that can kill you or someone else, and this is also Unnecessary b/c like, let's have accessible & reliable public transit so that everyone can travel without Needing to have a car / someone else who will drive them. i didn't think i had too much trouble learning to drive, but it had to help that i just took it very seriously from the start lmao like, well, i'm quite aware i could kill someone with this. the driving classes i took were alright, i remember the instructor being pretty chill and friendly lol. rip to the fact i could be tense when driving with parent/s, when driving a manual i'd always like screech the tires when accelerating out of a Stop, until all at once it was like "and i'm driving that manual car alone on a road trip & wouldn't you know it, only literally once did i have that issue of not getting out of a stop smoothly enough" lmao like the Anxiety......really like yeah i had an alright time learning and think i'm solid enough at driving / like doing it, theoretically, but Driving Is Wild just in general and let's have that public transit

April 7th: How are you with sarcasm and/or metaphors/figures of speech? Do you interpret things very literally?

i think i Usually get what people mean with these Devices but i can't really say lol, but anytime you know, someone is being more Implicit in what they say, plenty of times i can infer one implication and only later realize they probably meant a different one, or yknow, i make whatever initial inference i make and can be stuck like "???" and have to like, mentally run diagrams about the interaction lol......meanwhile i'm not always remembering that like, if i'm shifting context mentally that's necessarily able to be inferred by whoever i'm talking to lol, whether it's about getting into some adjacent topic or like, i don't think it tends to be very clear even in person when i've started being sarcastic lmao, like i know that can be true for anyone but it's like well, guess i gotta make it clearer i'm doing a bit......flipside of that or something lmao that people are more Obvious than they think they are sometimes about like, idk, when someone is sort of making some sarcastic remark to you but the sarcasm is also sort of only to themself, aka just like okay i know you mean this more dismissively / disparagingly than re: what you're saying just at face value lol like. just always fun >:/

[morgana-ren]

Helllo,

This is gonna be a long rant so please be prepared. You're amazing... really. I know you said your scraping the bottom of the barrel..but that is no way true. Your stories are one of the reasons I've downloaded tumblr in the first place (I officially entered the world of social media at age 20 over a shiggy story...I know😂). I'd easily put you in my top 3 without a doubt, which is why I'm always checking for your updates. Your "half-baked ideas" are probably a 1000 times better than anything I or most people could put out ( trust me, I've been on Wattpad since 2015 when I thought that was topnotch literature 🥴). But I totally get it, I have a major superior-inferiority complex, which basically makes me feel like I'm good at nothing even when I totally devote myself. And nothing anyone says can change my mind about how I feel about myself when I get in a slump.

Don't for a second feel like you're in some void all alone. Heck...you have this follower backing you up no matter what! If you do step away, no one would be mad. I'm pretty sure everyone gets in a slump, so don't feel like you're obligated to stay. But, please don't do it because you think you're a bad author. All your stories are proof that isn't true. I hope you feel better and stay amazing 💞

Thank you so, so much! And hon, me too! I actually started using this account I made ( and used to just post random shit on) because of the Shig-man. I saw him and essentially went “hey,., that’s pretty good.” And voila. Here we are lmao.

I’m not gunna lie, I’ve been havin’ a rough go of it lately. There’s a lot of weird shit going on in my life, and I think I rely too much on my writing to take me into some sorta fantasy realm where everything is great and awesome and I can just vibe with me and my godawful self.

I’m kind of an insufferable dunce cap, and I make a habit of just kinda giving up on anything that doesn’t immediately pay off. I read my writing (especially after posting) and go “Oof chief. You put that out. On the internet. With your name on it. Yikes.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100 percent used to embarrassing myself, but when I’m in a bad mental state, it hits somethin’ different. I’m a sensitive little bitch about every little thing, and sometimes that knife of insecurity cuts deeper than the skin. My brain LOOKS for shit to be pissed off about, I swear to god. A lot of authors go through years and years of arduous processes and study to make their stories great, and I just kinda like to stand on a cliff and throw out pages and go “TAKE IT!! TAKE MY STUFF!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!”

I fully one hundred percent admit my stories are “I wanna fuck this character. Right now. Fuck plot. Just wanna fuck.” So I don’t know what the hell im bitching about. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do if I quit writing, so maybe I should just.. stop expecting it to be above mediocre smut? Cause that’s what I write? Like I’m not exactly writing an opus here.

My brain is in a twist. I’m sitting in a kingdom of boxes (that’s not a shitty metaphor, I literally just moved lmao) and whining to the moon. My brain doesn’t like change, so maybe I’m just all fucked up from massive change. I think the best way to describe it is I’m just... sad? And how I cope with that is actively seeking out ways to pretend shit is fine? And when it fails like I feel my writing fails, I immediately abandon it and find some other coping thing?

I’m a baby, is the point. I’m a big ass fucking baby. But thank you so so much for the kind words and I appreciate it so much. I really do 💕 thank you!!