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katiascraft · 2 months ago

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✐ᝰ "You knew all too well i was right where you left me" | CL16 ࣪𓏲ּ ᥫ᭡ ₊

parings: retired!charles leclerc x writer!ex!reader

series summary: It’s the story of a woman frozen in the moment her world fell apart. A perfect dinner ended with, “I met someone else,” and while everyone moved on, she remained stuck in that instant, unable to let go of the past. A poignant tale of heartbreak, grief, and the weight of being trapped in a “forever” that never was.

🔎 chapter one: “love is short but forgetting is so long”

🔎 chapter two: “did the love affair mail you too?”

🔎 chapter three: “you kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath”

chapter four: “help, I’m still at the restaurant” -> chapter five

‼️ best friends in this chapter: nikola (nik) , dorothy (dottie) and beatrice (betty). They all know each other from Oxford University where the four of them studied creative writing.

word count: +5,1k.

BLOG MASTERLIST - series masterlist

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

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agostinabff: hope you have a lovely week off mon amour!! You deserve it. We love you 💘

↳ yourusername: thank u for being the best part of my life 💌

y/nstan: omg GIRL we are the same person wtf 😭

user4: who is he and where can i find him to KILL HIM?????

nikolabff: is my air bnb recommendation good enough ????? (That looks disgusting, uber eats exists darling)

nikolabff: can't wait for tomorrow!! London should be scared of us 😈

nikolabff: did dorothy call you? She isn't answering my calls

↳ yourusername: babes!!!! Aaaaaa i'm so excited. I just ended call with dottie. She arrived safe and well, i missed you guys so much 😭 did betty text you?

↳ nikolabff: tbh she didn't but you know how she is. can't wait to see you all tomorrow!!

arthurleclerc: hey y/n i know this may be weird but just wanted to say, i read your book and it is amazing! my brother was an idiot you know? you are an amazimg person im sure you'll find someone who loves you deeply (if you didn't already. maybe you did) okay, i don't bother you any longer. hope we can meet again someday!

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

⋆˚࿔ a week ago 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

“There'll be happiness after you, but there was happiness because of you. Both of these things can be true. There is happiness, past the blood and bruise, past the curses and cries. Beyond the terror in the nightfall haunted by the look in my eyes that would've loved you for a lifetime and leave it all behind. Tell me, when did your winning smile begin to look like a smirk? When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? I hope she'll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you. No, I didn't mean that. Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury. You haven't met the new me yet” you read that piece out loud from your personal journal to your therapist. She stayed silent for a while. You looked over at her knowing you skipped some parts but what you read in the end sank in.

“I think there’s a lot to discuss from just that single piece you wrote. But I wanna ask you something before anything else: do you really believe there will be happiness after him?” your therapist made you a question that felt like daggers pinching you that resulted in leaving you breathless for a few seconds. you loved and hated therapy for this reason. There were things you couldn’t question by yourself because you never thought about it and things you didn’t know how to answer like this one.

“I wish I could say yes. But i don't think i’ve been happy since he left” saying that out loud hurt yourself even more. It was not something easy to admit and accept. But it was the truth. You have never felt really happy since then.

She nodded, writing down in her notebook “but do you believe you can be happy without him? Why is he still so important or has so much space in your life that you can't be happy if he isn’t there? Why were you happy when he was with you?” as always, too many questions with so few answers. You felt exhausted, frustrated by the fact you didn't know what to think about it all.

“I'm sure I want to be happy, I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired” you assured her and yourself. You took a few seconds to think and she respected that. “I guess if I want to then I can, right? I mean, I talk to my friends and all of them tell me time and time again ‘don't let what happened define you’ and I try but I don't know why it is really hard for me” you explained looking at the floor.

“And what’s that definition of yourself?”

“That i'm not worthy of love i guess. that there will always be someone better than me, more attractive, more lovable, more interesting. I can't be the one, for anyone” admitting it felt like an elephant stepped on you and you just died in the act. Your therapist, Maria, nodded looking at you.

“Well, but in what you wrote you tell this woman he left you for, that you hope she is a fool like you, right?” she intervened. You nodded. “What can you tell me about it?”

You looked at your hands a bit sweaty. “I really don’t know. I mean her existence made me compare myself to her. She is so different. It made me feel all of those things I said before. And maybe i blamed her existence because if she didn't existed then, charles would still be here”

“You think so?”

“I guess, yeah” you looked at her. She wrote down more stuff on that notebook you were so intrigued by.

“So, for you, there doesn't exist the possibility that maybe he just stopped loving you? Like even if she existed or not - could be any other woman or could be no one at all. Would it hurt more if he just stopped loving you?” you felt your brain make a 180 turn on itself.

“I don’t know. Maybe, yeah, I mean. I Think it’s easier to blame someone then not have an explanation for it” your therapist nodded.

“So, why would she occupy your same place then? If you are different from each other, why would she be just like you? As a replacement it seems and at the same time who’s at fault for all of this situation and insecurities. And before you answer, I think we can connect that to what happened between your dad and mom, right?” she saw your face so confused she knew this was gonna be the end of the session so you could think about it during the next two weeks. “You told me you discovered your dad cheated on your mom. So all you ever dreamed was to find someone who would be better than him, to prove yourself that that isn’t your destiny, just like your mom. And then Charles left you for this other girl. And everything you built up in your mind to try to believe in love and to escape from the reality you had to live through, then it crumbled down in that instant. Leaving you feeling like there was no way you could be worthy of love, because you tried but Charles did exactly what your dad did to your mother. And since then you couldn’t date anyone else. This is a theory, I'm not saying it is what it is of course. But it seems that if they didn't exist then you wouldn’t be this hurt and maybe forgive charles,as you said when you wrote ‘and leave it all behind’ just like your mom did with your dad”

Her words echoed in your head for a while. The knot in your throat intensified. “Charles was my everything just like my parents were. And after what happened, with Charles and my dad, I guess I let that define me. I wanted to show myself that the love i’ve seen in books and movies existed, not like in my house. I wanted to make things right. In a way, to mend what hurt me the most. The betrayal of my dad. So I put Charles under that pressure and maybe that made things the way they went down. I don’t know to be honest. I don’t know why I want alexandra to be like me. Maybe that’s another way of convincing myself I'm not the only fool in this mess.”

“I don’t think you are a fool. Relationships are complicated and the reason he decided to leave could be based on a million reasons, and even in that situation. Maybe any of them are because of you or who you are as a person. People are complex and most times messy. Feelings aren’t easy to control or understand” she explained to you. “So, coming back to this new encounter you had with him, how did you feel about it?”

“It felt weird, very uncomfortable to be around him. But at the same time a force drove me closer to him. I wanted to be closer. Ask him everything and at the same time punch him. He felt the same to be honest. Just like the previous day he left, when everything was alright.” you pulled a face you didn't know how to describe at that moment.

“And you felt the same?”

“No i think, i didn’t” she nodded and half smiled at my answer.

“Then, what’s the new you he didn’t meet?”

“Who i am now i guess”

“And who are you?” her question made you realize you didn’t know how to answer that question yet. You knew you were different, because you felt different although stuck dealing with the aftermath of that relationship. She noticed your silence (because she knew all too well you didn’t know how to answer it) and smiled gently.

“Alright, y/N. Let’s leave it here and continue next session, okay? See you in two weeks”

Who the fuck were you now?

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Mornings at your balcony were your favorite moment during the day. Your coffee was warm and comforting on a grey and windy day. You were covered in clothes and blankets. You needed that moment anyway. You wouldn’t let the winter win. You watched your neighbor cleaning his living room. He had his window opened so you could see a bit of what he was doing. However, you didn't see him very well because you didn't have your glasses on so it’s a bit blurry. You thought there was someone else with him. Probably a girl.but you weren’t that interested.the only thing you hated about your balcony was the fact that the view was partially blocked by that damn house up the hill.

After a while, you took your stuff and went into your house again. You felt warmer instantly. You left the blankets on the coach and washed up what you used to have for breakfast a few minutes ago. You had to pack as soon as possible. On saturday, you travel to london to see your college friends and also because your friend franco, another formula one driver you met by chance at a college party, it was his birthday party. You wanted that week to be a good one. Be a week you genuinely enjoy and just be happy.

But after everything that happened the last month around Charles, it was really difficult. Your therapist was a really good help of course. But you hated not knowing how to handle all of these feelings you didn’t understand and that paralyze you.

You only had one phrase in your head: ‘no one teaches you what to do when a good man hurts you’.

You couldn’t think of Charles as a bad man, or person or anything. Yes, he was stupid. And he destroyed your self esteem. And your trust. And yes, you still were kind of stuck in that restaurant. But you also had some kind of responsibility. And that also troubled you a lot.

Your self esteem shouldn’t be defined by anyone else but you. What do you think about yourself? Who are you? That was your fault. You didn’t know how that would affect destiny for him to leave you but well, it is what it is yet. You kind of thought that maybe it’s the price you had to pay for putting him in a role he didn't want to be in. maybe you were too much. Too intense. Too dependent. He only wanted someone to talk and have fun with. But you wanted a good husband at 18, and a good father, and the one who would take away your pain and fix your traumas.

Maybe he wasn’t the only one who hurt someone, but you also hurt him in some way.

Ten years in, and you still couldn’t explain what happened. What did you do or not do for him to stop loving you? Or perhaps you can actually stop loving someone but you didn't experience it yet.

You sighed, reaching your travelling suitcase from on top of your closet. You almost fell so you had to grab a chair from your kitchen. You loved travelling but packing was a nightmare (also, because you couldn’t decide which outfits were good so you had to take two suitcases and pay extra everytime. Not that you didn't have the money and it was a problem. But you knew it was an unnecessary spend).

That’s when you remembered how it was like to travel with charles. And you hated yourself for remembering his stupid laugh so cute it made your heart melt every time. Would he still laugh like that? Maybe it was best not to know it.

If you were younger and he came back, you’d probably forgive him and leave it all behind just to be happy with him. But now, you wanted to leave everything behind: him, his family, the memories, the feelings, the hurt. And maybe that is what changed.

That was the new you.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Your laugh was so liberating. Your hair was free in the wind. He was driving through the Monaco coast. It was finally summer break and you decided to have a picnic at the beach. His hand on your tight. David Guetta on the radio. You were singing along without a care in the world.

Your fingers brushed his hand making him look at you through his sun glasses in a beautiful cute smile.

“You look gorgeous, cherie” you saw his lips pronounce those words in slow motion, feeling your every fiber get wild inside you. Your smile was so big and your cheeks pink. He could melt forever just to see you this happy. You wanted to freeze those moments with him and live in them forever.

“I love you, Charles,” you said so warmly and softly. It was your romance movie playing over and over again. That’s how you felt. But when he heard you say those words, his face turned serious. Almost pulled a face of disgust. For some reason you got so scared you wanted to jump out of the car to save your life.

You wanted to save your life.

He noticed you wanted to escape so he tightened his grip on you tightly, hurting you but he wasn’t letting you go away.

“Charles, let go of me” you said almost in a whisper. Your breath was fast. You needed to jump. You started fighting so he would let you go.

“Stop, cherie. We’re gonna have our happily ever after, isn’t that what you wanted?” he said, trying to drive and grab you at the same time. You started crying not knowing what to answer. The anxiety took over you.

“You said you loved me cherie, you can’t go now” he was crying and let go of the steering wheel. You got desperate seeing the car had no control and you were at the Monaco cliffs.

“Charles! CHARLES!” you screamed from the top of your lungs as you watched both of you exiting the driveway into nowhere. All the sea around you. Slow motion Charles looked at you with a huge smile.

“Happily ever after baby” he said and you looked horrorized. But when you were about to scream again as if that would change anything.

Everything went black.

You woke up drowning in cold sweat and tears. Your heart was beating too fast for your liking. The feeling you had in that moment of pure confusion was scared to death. For a moment you didn’t know if you were alive or dead. Your room was pitch black so it kinda felt like you died. But you were thinking and you thought there was no way you could think when dead, so you were alive.

After a few seconds of paralysis, you react and turn on your light from your bed table. You took a deep breath and scrubbed your face to wake yourself up. Your face was wet still from your tears. The moment you were conscious again you felt defeated. It was the third time in the night you were having this kind of nightmares, now three days in a row. You laid back again in bed for a moment.frustration was all over your face. You were so tired of living like this. Yet, you didn’t know how to stop. You grabbed your phone to see what time it was. It showed 5:46 am. You snarled, hating your brain more than anything in the world.

You got up from bed and went straight to the bathroom to wash your face. You knew all too well you couldn’t be able to fall asleep again nor you wanted to. It has been a terrible night already. So you let your brain win once again.

You went downstairs to your studio where it was warm. Sun isn't out yet, so here you’ll be warmer. If not, you probably would have chosen the balcony as always. Or the restaurant, although you haven't come back to it since the last encounter with charles. You just didn’t want to go back there ever again. Just like the time he left.

You sat on your chair at your desk. Eyes tired. You opened your journal. You didn’t remember writing so much like in the past week or so. But you had so many thoughts to write sometimes it got difficult for you to function properly. You just had to stay at home writing non-stop. Not only your upcoming book but your feelings. After the dream you had, a lot must be processed.

I know I'm probably better off on my own than loving a man who didn't know what he had. And I see the permanent damage he did to me.

Never again.

I just wish I could forget when it was magic.

But I also just wish you could’ve been a better man.

You sighed reading your words again on paper. You felt worried about yourself. Like, maybe you were broken and couldn’t ever be fixed. You were scared that you wouldn’t be able to fix yourself back up again. Or even thinking that maybe you were born broken so how could you fix yourself then? You were scared there was no way out of this pain, agony, self hatred, nightmare you have lived these past years… or your whole life. You dreamed about being in love again with someone so different from charles yet maybe who makes you feel the same high. Or maybe higher erasing every trace of him or memory of your dad. Now lines were blurry. You didn’t want to think about your dad, not only because he was gone and you couldn’t do anything about it, but because it felt weird linking him in some way to charles, but if your therapist said so, maybe you were more troubled than you thought.

Would there be a good guy? Do they even exist? You guessed you’ve never met one of them yet.

I hold onto this pride because, these days, it's all I have. And I gave you my best, and we both know you can't say the same.

Were you writing about him? Or about your dad?

You stared at the wall thinking about the answer that never came around.

Just like the both of them did when it came to you.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

It was 10 am in the morning already. You didn’t sleep a bit. You’ve been in a zoom meeting since 8. Talks about the movie in the making were held. Casting started so they sent you a few ones they think are perfect for the roles so you have to watch them after the meeting. Also, they go through the aesthetic and changes they will make from the book, and that’s why this meeting has been so long. They needed to discuss everything with you to make sure you agreed. They wanted to be respectful with your work and you appreciate it very much. It made you feel important. In other news, they thought that taylor swift could make the soundtrack for the movie and you got very excited about it. You loved Taylor's songwriting and believed (and were almost sure) she would make the perfect song for the movie.

It was gonna be a long day ahead, full of work and watching hours of footage from castings. But it was for your dream. You still couldn’t believe you had your book be a movie in the making. It still feels surreal.

Then you remembered charles’ ex followed you and liked your posts. And you were mad at him again. You were sure (no doubts at all for real), she didn't know who you were. Because he kept you buried like you were sin.

A part of you wanted to believe he did it because he knew he fucked up and didn’t want people to judge him for his lack of sympathy towards his last lover. But at the same time you just found it cruel behavior with no reason at all to do that. You kinda felt dirty as if you were bad. Very bad. Banned from his life.

You shook your head, getting yourself back to the present time and starting working again. Your lack of rest doesn't help in getting distracted with thought every minute but you were doing the best you could. Plus, work helps you not to think about anything else. And that’s good.

You really needed a break from thinking.

⋆˚࿔ finally the london trip arrived 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

yourusername made a post

liked by nikolabff, beatricebff, francolapinto, landonorris and 678,435 others

yourusername: first few days back in london = first few days of happiness ❤️‍🩹

tagged: @nikolabff , @beatricebff , @dorothybff and @francolapinto

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user345: girl is happy we are happy

user3: omg such QUEENS

↳ francolapinto: i guess ur not talking about me

↳ user3: oh im so talking about you too

↳ francolapinto: 🤨

nikolebff: the girls girled

dorothybff: happy looks very hot on you darling 🫦

beatricebff: can you kiss already??????

↳ yourusername: no ❤️

nikolabff: gossip so good bro was giggling and kicking his feet

↳ francolapinto: it was indeed

↳ alexalbon: better bring that gossip to the paddok asap

↳ yourusername: it's CONFIDENTIAL

↳ alexalbon: booooooo ur so boring

↳ oscarpiastri: i wanna be part of this group please

↳ nikolabff: yes you can sir

↳ francolapinto: i thought no one else was allowed

↳ nikolabff: stfu 🩷

User231: i love this crossover of y/n and formula 1 drivers. I would've never expected it tbh

↳ franstan: same!!! I love it!! Didn't know she was friends with franco

↳ user354: i think they met a few years ago, y/n was asked about it on insta questions and she said they met randomly at a college party

↳ franstan: interesting

User1: girl!!! You look so good omg

francolapinto: te amo amiga so happy to see you happy ❤️‍🩹

↳ yourusername: te amo tambien ❤️‍🩹

↳ user778: EXCUSE YOU ???????

↳ franstan7: OMG OMG OMG

user4: WHAT IS HAPPENING ?

user324: so no one is gonna talk about lando world champion fucking norris being on the likes ????? 🤨🤨🤨🤨

↳ landostan: that was what i was thinking

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

⋆˚࿔ finally the london trip arrived 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Laughter was all over the place as well as a lot of bottles of alcohol with names you haven’t seen in your life. It was finally Saturday night, which meant it was Franco's birthday celebration. And because it was his birthday of course all the decorations were argentina flags everywhere and boca junior club t-shirts for everyone, including you. As you got to his house you were given one at the door to wear it. Fortunately, for you it didn’t ruin your outfit and I could say it looked great on you. Or well, that’s what franco said to you while preparing you a drink you haven’t ever tried before. He said it was called fernet with coke. You were already a bit drunk because you were drinking vodka with the girls while getting ready. You didn’t like vodka that much but after everything that happened in your life, you kinda felt the urge to drown in vodka or tequila. Mi gente latino music was playing non-stop. You knew Franco loved duki and bizarrap, and they were actually at the party. You couldn’t talk to them yet. So everything was a bit crazy even if you weren’t that many people. He was just a close friend to franco. So i guess it was like 60 people. Way too many people to be honest but for a famous 2 times world champion it was really a small amount of people so it was super intimate.

“There you go, hermosa” he said, handing you the glass full of black liquid. You looked at it a bit worried in a funny way and grabbed it. He let out a cute laugh. “Try it, you’re gonna like it, i promise” he encouraged you. He couldn’t resist the view of you with that boca juniors on. Probably, the combination of you and that was his heaven made on earth. He was really down for you, since it felt like forever. Probably since that night at that party back 6 years ago or so. You always have a different light that anyone can match. and that’s what he liked most about you along with your authenticity. You were so unique to him. He looked at you biting his lip a little trying not to be so obvious.

You tried the drink looking into his eyes. You were really close but you felt really comfortable. Your friends have left you alone with him the minute he came forward to you, of course. They really believed you could work out with him. And after vodka and long talks about it with them, maybe you would give it a try. But it scared you, you didn’t want to use him as a friend. So it was a risky situation in your opinion. Although, you could see he liked you for a long time now. And you found him funny and really attractive in your opinion. You give it a few more sips to taste it fully. “Oh I think I like it,” you said, giving him a funny smile.

“I told you. I’m the best fernet preparer in this whole country… and also, I did it with love just for you” he said, making you laugh and blush after the last sentence he said.

“I’m sure it’s the love you put in it” you gave it another sip looking at him. His face turned red and let out such a cute giggle. Alcohol was making you melt for your best friend? We guess so.

He got closer grabbing your waist and planted a sweet kiss on your cheek making you nervous as you never felt for a long time. However, it felt weird. Maybe as if this shouldn’t be happening.

⋆˚࿔ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Franco’s house was enormous. The party was being held at the gallery near his garden. It was cold but the lights and the people stuck to each other made it warmer. You were with your girls again dancing to bad bunny and los del espacio songs. You didn’t understand a word because Spanish was definitely not your talent. You tried to learn because of Franco, and he tried to teach you, but failed every time. You did learn a few words anyway but speaking fluidly was something you won’t ever do. Or that’s what you thought about it. It was your third fernet. You didn’t know it was so good. Also it could make you so drunk. And you were way too drunk by now but you never felt so happy. You were laughing about anything and everything. Dancing without a care in the world. Enjoying being surrounded by your friends. Charles wasn’t on your mind nor any trace of him or his family or the history behind you two. Memories have faded away, washed by the alcohol in your veins. You didn’t remember having so much fun since forever. Your girls were right. Life was so much more than Charles, you were so much more than what you were with him. And all of this you have it because of you and you alone. In that moment you felt liberated. Free from the curse it was put on you. Free of judgment. Free of insecurities. Until you saw that damn mullet and when it turned around you felt kind of speechless. Your eyes locked in that man you didn’t know but he was so hypnotic. You couldn’t stop looking at him.

“Girl! Close your mouth, you're drooling! Is it for franco, huh?” Nikola joked when she saw you like that, making you laugh while shaking your head.

“No it isn’t girls, is that guy over there i don’t know who he is but he is so beautiful” you said pointing your finger in his direction unconsciously. Because when you looked at him again he was looking at you straight in the eyes. You almost freaked out and ran away from there. His fucking smile. What the hell is happening to you? Your friends looked over at him as well with no simulation at all. The four of you were pretty obvious. And that’s when another guy turned around to see where his mate was looking over with that face. Nikola almost fell to the floor.

She turned around freaked out, making all of you stop looking at them so weird. Alcohol makes you behave so embarrassing for your liking.

“Holy shit girls, it’s oscar fucking piastri and lando norris” her eyes were leaving her face for a bit. You grabbed her arms still confused. You didn’t know them but you heard nik talking about that oscar a few times. Betty and Dottie looked over at them again but they were gone.

“Okay they are gone nik” dottie said. Betty took a sip from her drink. You wanted to say something but you felt someone grab your waist from behind and kiss your head.

“Hello ladies” of course it had to be franco. You smiled nervously looking at your friends. One of your hands placed over Franco's arms not wanting him to let go. You liked it. Or that’s what you drowned in alcohol though about it.

“Hello mister, i guess we will grab more drinks at the bar, goodbye bye byeee” Betty said, taking her two girls with her leaving you alone with franco. You laughed and resigned. Nik gave franco a warning sign ‘im watching you’ making franco laugh too. And they disappeared through the people dancing and talking.

He kissed your cheek letting you go a bit so you could turn around to face him. “Hey handsome, where have you been? Are you having fun?” you said surrounding his neck with your arms and he did the same around your waist. He nodded in a smile.

“Now that I'm back with you, I'm really having fun,” he said cheeky.

“Oh shut up” you said rolling your eyes funny because of his flirty side.

“Hey, I'm telling the truth. I was with my school friends though ,they came from home” he told you and made you smile while stroking the curls on his head gently. Your fingers in his hair sent shivers down his spine. He couldn’t stop looking at your lips and you noticed. But you liked it so you let him.

“I’m happy you’re enjoying your night fran. You deserve all of this love, world champion” you said sweetly looking at his eyes so shiny and deep green right now. Your words made him melt.

And there were you, the girl who can win over the man known for being the most professional at flirting. You always win with him. He is so down bad for you he felt stupid. You were so beautiful in his eyes. So amazing. He hated Charles so much. He even celebrated when he retired. They couldn't even pretend to like each other and actually it was one of the most famous feuds between drivers in the history of the sport. Franco just couldn’t comment anything positive about charles. Even if he tried he just couldn’t. The most infamous moment was when Charles won his first championship and he was asked about it. He said he didn’t want to comment about it because he had nothing to comment about. So franco started to be known as the guy who was nice to everyone except for charles leclerc. And it was hilarious to see because no one knew why. And the why was always you.

Franco wanted to have you and couldn’t. Charles had left you alone and destroyed another woman. How could he? Franco took that as an insult. You were an amazing woman. The most amazing woman he has ever met and that asshole did that to you. He just couldn’t stand him. Breathing the same air as Charles was unbearable for him.

All of these thoughts rambling around and neither of you didn’t realize you were kissing already. Your lips melting into each other in the sweetest and softest kiss you have ever had. Even better than any kiss Charles could have given you before. You hated yourself for comparing every guy in your life with Charles, but you couldn’t help it. But this felt different. It was sweet but at the same time it felt so wrong.

But you couldn’t stop.

And you didn’t want to.

⋆˚࿔ TO BE CONTINUED 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

chapter fiver: here.

author's note: things are getting complicated around here!!!

tag list: : @a-beaverhausen , @priniya , @annaluna12 , @thehoplessromanticclub , @emryb , @hadids-world , @kaztheemyth , @freyathehuntress , @diorbrxtz , @theseerbetweenus , @sie17136 , @leila-030304 , @charlesgirl16 , @ricciardosheart , @weekendlusting

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softpine · 9 months ago

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can i just word vomit for a min...

there was a point in late 2023 where i felt like i overstayed my welcome on simblr and i planned on just wrapping frozen pines up as quickly as possible and moving on. continuing to write when it's clear that the audience for it is dwindling felt so embarrassing that i almost didn't even want to put effort into it anymore, because i was afraid it just looked pathetic (obligatory disclaimer: no one made me feel this way, you're all so lovely, it's just the nature of seeing a community change over 7 years). writing already feels very personal to me and it's becoming increasingly harder for me to put my work out there (again, for reasons unrelated to simblr and entirely related to mental illness 🤙🏻). i know my story is so long that it deters new readers, and so sporadic that it makes old readers drop off with time. this has really been bothering me lately because i don't know what i can do to fix it. i don't think there IS anything i can do.

but. okay. don't make fun of me for saying this. dan and phil returning to youtube kinda changed my mindset? they may be pulling a fraction of the views they got in their peak, but they're happier than they've ever been and they're working on things they actually want to do, not things they think will be particularly popular. seeing that has made me realize that it is possible to keep finding joy in a community that has largely moved on without you. obviously my little blog is nowhere near the same scale, so this feels kind of silly, but i've been thinking about all the things i used to do on simblr that were never fun for me, i mainly did them because i knew they would get notes or because i felt like i had to do it. making cc, lookbooks, sim requests, reshade help (oh my god the reshade help), lot downloads, etc. they DID get notes, but i can't imagine spending my time doing any of that stuff ever again tbh.

on top of that, it makes me sad to scroll through my dash and realize that i don't recognize most of the people i see anymore. i still talk to some wonderful people here who i consider friends and that's invaluable to me (💖), but the broader community aspect is something i no longer feel a part of. and believe me, i know i'm at fault here because it's not like i'm going out of my way to talk to new people or participate in trends like i used to. i don't blame anyone except the passage of time!!

frozen pines, and simblr by extension, played such a gigantic part in my life when i needed it the most. and that's not to say that i don't still care about it, because i absolutely do, but it's a different kind of feeling. i've always promised that i would give frozen pines a satisfying conclusion rather than silently abandoning it someday, and though i do intend to keep that promise, i know it's possible that i might never get there. but i don't want to let my own insecurities get in the way of something i really enjoy doing. writing is an intrinsic piece of me that i'll never quit doing, but sharing my writing on tumblr is something that can't (and shouldn't) last forever. i know that. but i'm going to enjoy it to the fullest while we're all still here together 💞

to anyone who's still reading my silly story after all these years (especially those of you who still check in on my blog even though you're not on simblr anymore): thank you thank you thank you THANK YOUUU. you don't have to change a single thing about what you're doing. this is not me fishing for compliments or putting down an ultimatum, this is just me trying to make sense of my feelings.

but with all this being said, i've decided to quit simblr and start my own exclusive streaming service for $60 a year, i hope you'll all support me as i increase my production value 😌

(just kidding. ily. okay that's all)

#to be 100% clear this is not a goodbye - i'm literally halfway done with the next story post #just sort of an update on the state of my brain #👍🏻#btw...... sorry to Watcher fans lmaoo you guys really got the short end of the parasocial relationship stick..... </3 #that's not relevant to anything i've said here i've just spent way too much time thinking about how youtube has changed in the past 20 year #because i'm a loser that got really into youtube when i was 11 and never looked back #and then the watcher thing happened. and i was like ohhh if dan and phil did that to me i would have to die about it.

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octoberland · 4 months ago

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Invisible

Only TWD would get me to come back here writing my fandom thoughts. It's a landmine because you never know how people will react. I am going to share some deeply personal thoughts. I ask that you treat this vulnerability with the respect that it deserves. Spoilers for tonight's episode. And a trigger warning for my personal experiences with abuse.

I met Carol 14 years ago. It was a time in my life when she was a mirror for me. Meek, scared, abused Carol. The little mouse. Jumping when Ed said jump.

By the time the show aired that year I had extricated myself from my situation. But I was still terrified every day. I mostly didn't sleep at night. When I did sleep, I would prop things against the doors so I could hear if someone came in. I would rarely be out of the house at night. On the occasions I was outside after dark I would be walking with my heart in my throat, beating the loudest of drums in my ears. Every stranger was a potential threat. Every shadow could be him coming back to kill me.

I latched onto Carol in my fear and despair. I understood her. Related to her. Felt inspired by her. I was hers from the moment she bashed Ed's skull in. It was so cathartic watching her do that. I wished I could have that moment in my life.

Like her, people judged me. People blamed me for being with a man like that. Said I must like bad boys. Said I liked the attention. Asked why I didn't just leave. It's all so easy to dissect when you're on the outside.

Unlike Carol I didn't have a walker to take out my abuser. I extricated myself. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. And it came with great risk. And I mostly did it alone.

I watched as she grew strong. And I grew strong too. Like her, I learned to fight. To be fair, she was not my only influence there. I have Captain America/Chris Evans to thank for that too. I hope someday I get to tell him that story. But watching her grow was an inspiration.

Like many people, I was moved by her ability to connect with Daryl. You don't understand how hard that can be after abuse. It's been 14 years and I've still not been in another relationship. I may never be again. That kind of abuse leaves an indelible mark on you.

But with him she blossomed. Sexually, emotionally, and just as a human. I admired her ability to do that.

The trauma was still there though. We saw that. Her edges became too sharp. Her distance too cold. But I get it. I really, truly get it.

But through it all her relationship with Daryl remained. They were each other's North Star. Not perfect, but constant.

But the sad truth is, at the end of the day these characters don't belong to us. They are written by flawed humans with personal agendas and like with any long running series, the longer it runs the higher chance for writers to fuck things up.

Before I dive more specifically into tonight's episode and the Book of Carol let me just say that I still love Carol and I still love Daryl and I still love Caryl. If you want to stop reading here just know that Carol remains an icon to me for very personal reasons. But that is part of why I'm writing this.

Potential spoilers beyond the cut.

The writing this season is sloppy, imho. And this is where I put my writer hat on and try to look at things more objectively. It seems like Gimple is mining the past because it's "cool" and not because he actually wants to address any long standing trauma that Carol has.

Everyone's trauma journey is different and I get that. But after 14 years I doubt that Carol is going to start panicking when going into a barn. In fact, we've already seen her entering barns in early seasons without any issues. I wish the show had consulted some trauma experts. They could have provided some examples of things that might actually set her off. Like seeing a little girl walker. Or meeting a child named Sophia. And speaking of that, I know Carol is supposed to be tough and sneaky and all that but the episode where she lied about her daughter to get the plane really bothered me. If the memory of her daughter is so traumatic I feel like she would not use her daughter like that.

This reunion episode was a missed opportunity to explore trauma in a more meaningful way. It was a missed opportunity for Carol and Daryl to have some truly meaningful conversations. I know I've said this before but she FLEW ACROSS THE OCEAN. DURING AN APOCALYPSE. And all he basically did was grunt one liners at her and lie about how he never stopped trying to get back to her. These two deserve to have a real conversation where they talk about how incredible what she did was. They need to talk about what that means for each of them. And I'm not even talking about romance. Daryl has never had anyone do anything like that for him. Does he understand how profound an act that was? If he ever had any doubt as to how much Carol cared for him this should have erased it. And for Carol, this could also be a wake up call for her too. While being hard and cunning is good for survival, this is an opportunity for her to be vulnerable. To express what he means to her. Or to maybe even face any codependence she has with Daryl.

I feel bad what happened to Isabelle. It kind of feels like an FU to her character. As much as I love Caryl I'm not in support of fridging women for a ship or for man pain. I'm glad we got to see her and Carol together but I wish we could have seen them together a little longer. Again, there is a missed opportunity for some really interesting conversations.

I can't help but feel that this show is suffering under the leadership of male writers and showrunners. There's such nuance to be had here and it's being funneled down to base tropes. Genet is evil because her husband died. Carol is just now having flashbacks to something that happened a decade ago because we need her to grow emotionally and we can't think of another way to do that without mining her motherhood. Isabelle has to die because God forbid two adults actually have a conversation about emotions.

I honestly can't guess where this series is going right now. Every time I think I know what is going to happen something else happens instead. Normally this would be a good thing but here it just feels sloppy. Are they dicking around Caryl? Will they kill her? Or him? Or do they plan for this to go into more seasons? I haven't a clue. But it feels like whiplash, like they are trying to make the characters grow too quickly to fit an agenda without doing the real work people need to do. A hug from an old lady won't cure trauma.

I think mostly I just wish Carol and Daryl would have a real conversation before all this is over.

Anyway, that's my rant. I did like the old married couple joke in the car. And I'm glad Carol's not dead. But I hope we get to see some real connection.

#caryl #the walking dead #spoilers #personal

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freeddead · 2 months ago

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//hello, all! unfortunately, i am here to announce that i will be archiving / indefinitely hiatusing this blog. i may or may not come back to it at some point, so i will not be deleting it, but for right now, i think it's for the best if i tuck this blog into bed and let it sleep for a while.

i have already been struggling with gerry's muse for a long time, and it was heavily affiliated with my bf's perceiivent blog. with eli putting the last nail in the perceiivent coffin, i don't really have a lot of will to carry on with gerry. (not that this decision is solely on eli; i have already been kinda like... eugh... about gerry's blog for a hot minute, and the deletion of perceiivent is just one of many reasons for my decision to pack it up.) like i said, i may come back someday, but it would require a near-complete overall of gerry's story on this blog and how i write him with him no longer having a dedicated jon, and i just do not want to worry about all of that shit right now, not when i've been enjoying myself plenty on other blogs.

i can still be found on all of my other blogs, so if you want to catch me over there, you can!

my other blogs are:

modestmuses - a multifandom multimuse; contains characters from csi if you're looking for the sort of investigative flavor that gerry brings; also contains horror-based muses like zombies and vampires and murderers and all that shit

oceanoecielo - simon fairchild from tma! for those of you who are only interested in tma muses, haha! i do still have a tma blog that i don't plan to abandon anytime soon

paleontaxi - jarod from road 96; he is a serial killer and overall weird fucking dude, again, for those who like the horror muse vibes

triggerbigger - a heavily canon-divergent, hc-based portrayal of the onceler from the lorax; i say he's from the 2012 movie, but honestly i write him much closer to the 1972 version, and even then hcs kind of rule the roost over there, haha! but if you want businessman who is just the world's BIGGEST cunt, there you go

troublcmakcrs - craig & tweek from south park; while i prefer writing them as kids, i have teen and adult verses for them as well; they are my main blog these days and the specialest of my little guys

feel free to follow any, all, or none of those! if i don't see you on any of my other blogs, well, it was great writing with you all over here! thank you so much for the love you've shown gerry over the years and making me feel welcome in this fandom! this isn't really a goodbye; it's a "perhaps i'll see you around sometime later" 🖤

#i will be your ticket taker. 『 ooc 』#wake the dead. 『 psa 』

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ksiondzkanexkiii · 8 months ago

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LIST OF WORKS

Part of the story is on the wattpad (I originally put it there but I open to new pages), I put a link to every page where you can find the story. Choose where you like to read best No which history is not inserted yet on other pages such as Noebook or Tumblr

ONE-SHOT

OPEN/CLOSE

You can place orders for One-shot, I'll take anything. I'll write when I have time. Orders can be written on my profile or in pv messages (on any platform) If I didn't notice your message please don't be mad at me! I may have missed your message, or it was spammed.

List of characters on one-shot at the bottom

HISTORY IN PROGESS

GOD OF WAR

Heimdall x OC

,,Until Odin Separates us"

WATTPAD

NEOBOOK

One-shot coming soon

CALL OF DUTY

Captain John Price x oc

,,Maybe you're not a bad person"

TUMBLR VERSION

WATTPAD

NEOBOOK

John ,,Soap" MacTavish x oc

,,A piece of child"

WATTPAD

One-shot coming soon

TROLL HUNTERS TALES OF ARCADIA

ANGOR ROT

,,I will never leave you again"

TUMBLR

WATTPAD

NEOBOOK

One-shot coming soon

Plan for the next fanfics

☁️The Witcher universe (Game)

Vernone Roche, Iorweth, Eskel, Ge'els, Avallach, Eredin, Vesemir

☁️ Call of Duty universe

Alex Keller, Rudolfo Parra

☁️ Tales of Arcadia

Vendel, Angor Rot,

ONE SHOT

In the order put for whom is the one-shot (which character from the game/series/movie) briefly described what is to be included in the one-shot

You can ask for anything. I'll do my best to fulfill your requests.

ONE SHOT ORDERS FOR:

Heimdall - God of war Ragnarok Captain John Price - Call of duty Johnny "Soap" MacTavish - Call of duty

Avallach - The Witcher

Eskel - The Witcher

Vernon Roche - The Witcher

Eredin - Witcher

Ge'els - Witcher

Angor Rot - Troll Hunters Tales Of Arcadia

Gunmar - Troll Hunters Tales Of Arcadia

Bular butcher - Tales of Arcadia

Iorweth - Witcher

Alex Keller - Call of duty

Rudolfo Parra - Call of duty

Vendel - Troll Hunters Tales Of Arcadia

Vesemir - Witcher

Negan Smith - The walking dead

Captain Robert ,,Bobby" Nash - 911

Captain Owen Strand - 911 TEKSAS

Philip Graves - Call of duty

Doctor Greg House - Dr. House

Tim Bradford - The Rookie

John Nolan - The Rookie

David ,,Deacon" Kay - S.W.A.T

I will not write one-shot/stories about actors, I do not feel comfortable with it, I prefer to describe fictional characters who play/voice. Give me time to write one-shot/stories, I'm human and I get busy because I have school and other private things…

WILL NOT WRITE

Age differences (Too much age difference above <7 is no longer an option) Stories with Actors (Fictional Characters Only)

About me:

I come from Poland so English is not my first language, sorry for typos or incorrect grammatically sentences. I'm trying my best but I'm a man I've made mistakes

A head of great imagination and infinite. Keeping you in suspense and leading the reader into the good clouds of carefree life I have been writing since I was 10 years old, only now I gather my courage and insert my works Who knows? Maybe someday I will release my book on paper.

If you have questions find me here

Found me on instagram _kane_kii_ Tumblr: @ksiondzkanexkiii Neobook: https://neobook.org/ksiondzkanexkii/

or ask a question here (as you prefer)

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five-and-dimes · 4 months ago

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8, 17, and 27 for the fic ask game! Your choice which fics!

8. Did you cut something out of the outline or an early draft? What was it and why did you decide to cut it?

I'll do "Now I Lay Me" for this one because I was literally just talking to @pellaaearien about!

I had originally planned on doing a much longer opening showing Dream's "goodbyes" to everyone who later visits him before he goes to the garden. Ultimately I didn't want the opening to be THAT extensive- I really wanted to focus more on after he falls asleep. Plus I think I just got intimidated lol. The only "goodbyes" that made the cut were Hob, Lucienne, and Desire, and I think it ended up working well with just them.

17. Talk about the fic's ending. Why did you end it where you did?

I'll talk about "And When You Asked For Light/ I Set Myself On Fire" for this one because the ending still bothers me a bit :/ I originally wanted to have a much happier ending. I wanted (and still may go back someday to add a second chapter) to show a time jump where Dream starts visiting Hob in his dreams again and dismisses a dream that makes him uncomfortable, to show that he's grown and healed enough to treat himself as an equal in their relationship. Ultimately though, my brain simply would not cooperate, and I had been working on it for so long I just didn't have it in me to keep going at the time. Writing can be fickle like that.

27. Share a piece of lore you made up for the story.

I think I talked about this once before, but in "Mountain Sound" Hob very much has A Type lol. I never described Eleanor physically, but she was a very Morticia Adams-esque vampire, pale with dark hair and gothic aesthetic. Sound like anyone else we know? 😏

Fic Writer Asks!

#thank you for the ask! <3 #the sandman #my writing #ask game #fic writer asks

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icycoldninja · 4 months ago

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Hi there! I was wondering if you could write a story about Nero and the Reader where the Reader has a terminal illness. Whatever the story is, the Reader spends their last time with Nero.

Thank u and have a nice day!

I will! You have a good one too!

Time (Nero x Reader angst)

Tw: terminal illness; death.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life had been nothing but a blur lately, which was odd, considering how little of it you had left. It started when the doctors entered your room, their gaunt faces cast even more in shadow. They spoke to you in soft, comforting tones, probably to try and ease the shock of it all when they told you that you had very little time left in this world.

You cried your heart out almost as soon as they left, and when Nero rocketed into your room with a huge bouquet of flowers and a "get well soon" card, you couldn't help but wail out the jarring news of your fate. The flowers hit the floor; the card drifted down to meet them, and the next thing you knew, you were being strangled with a hug.

From that moment onward, Nero hardly left your side. When he did, it was only because the nurses either forced him to leave by threatening him with security, or when a devil-related emergency arose. Otherwise, he'd be chained to your bedside, refusing to waste even a second.

Your morbid attitude was understandable for someone so close to death's door. Still, you felt that thinking this way--feeling this way--was wasting both your time and Nero's. You should be trying to enjoy what little time together you had left, instead of wallowing in self pity. But you har so many regrets, so many things you still wanted to do, so much life you wanted to live! Why did it all have to end now?! Why?! You wanted to stay a little longer!

"Babe," Nero began for the hundredth time that afternoon. "You alright? You spaced out again."

"I'm...fine," You lied, gripping the blankets tightly, desperately needing something to ground yourself with.

"I don't think that's true," Nero sighed, noticing your clenched fists. "Come on, get it off your chest, what's wrong?"

It took a great deal of effort to choke back the tears, but you managed, feeling the sorrow and anguish temporarily settle in your stomach, sure to bubble back up in a few moments.

"I...I don't want to die." You finally managed to squeak out. "I'm too young to die. I...want to keep living."

"I know," Nero replied, his voice brittle. "I don't want you to leave either. I'm...gonna...miss you. So fuckin' much."

At this point, all speech had left you, that clump of agony you swallowed earlier coming back to bite you sooner than you expected. You simply rested your head on Nero's warm shoulder and cried, taking solace in his comforting embrace, feeling just a little better now that you'd shared your anguish with someone.

"Shh," Nero consoled, pressing soft kisses to the top of your head, adjusting your pillow and helping you lie back down soon after. "I gotcha. I love you. I love you so much, more than you'll ever know."

"Love you too," You mumbled, as Nero pulled the covers up over your shoulders and planted another kiss on your lips.

"You should get some rest now," He suggested, brushing some of your hair away from your face. "I'll be right here when you wake up, don't worry," He added, when you opened your mouth to protest.

"Ok." You responded, obediently closing your eyes.

Nero chuckled to himself softly as he watched you drift off to sleep, admiring how content and relaxed you looked, the sorrow and anxiety of impending death now erased from your face. He hoped someday, preferably someday soon, you would wear that expression as you walked around Devil May Cry once again.

When the doctors told him the next morning that you'd passed away in your sleep, Nero was both devastated and thankful--thankful that at the very least, you died peacefully, free of any mental trouble, soothed in slumber.

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tb5-heavenward · 6 months ago

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Hello!!!!! Just read your fic 'Talented Amateurs' and its soooo totally awesome and the writing is AMAZINGGGG!!!

I completely understand if you're not planning on finishing it but was wondering if you had any ideas about the ending you'd thought of? Was super curious as to how the rest would pan out!!!

Thank you <333333

oh man, I am sorry for how absent I have been lately! I have actually spent the past few years moving home to Canada from the USA, and getting settled at home again with my family. I've been split between semi-single parenthood, immigrating my husband from his home country back to mine, and then three or four different jobs across two different countries, depending upon how one counts that, and the rigamarole of generally getting life back into a manageable state. I've been through so many big changes over the past few years that I more or less have to conceptualize just the whole first half of my thirties as having been about just Getting Settled.

As to TA and writing in general, I would love to get back to it someday, the nature of writing for me is that I do end up taking long breaks in order to Live Life for periods of a few years at a time, but I always do mean to come back. I don't want to promise anything, but theoretically things will start to settle back into a real and actual routine in the latter half of 2024, as I whittle my days back down to just working one job, taking care of one household, and having my kid back in school for the bulk of the day.

It's not the only big project or big property I squared myself up against, but it is one that has a very clear roadmap of a plot in my head, so no fear there. As far as Heavenward having been kind of a jumping off point for what I thought the most interesting aspects of TAG Season 1 were, talented amateurs was really the same as far as what I thought about where Season 2 left things, and where I would have gone with what I thought was the other most interesting aspect of the show as a whole, that is to say Penny/Gordon, and the notion of the whole cast as adults with relationships.

The most terrifying thing about TA as it exists right now is that it's maybe only about 30% of the story I ever intended to tell, which speaks to just how awful it is to have my brain. Basically, the intent was always for it to be three parts long, each about 200k words, one for each trimester of the pregnancy it centers around, and for that to unfold in ways that I thought would be entertaining. As a story it is genuinely never far from my head or my heart (I reread it myself with embarrassing frequency) and the broad strokes of the answer to that question of where it goes next actually hinge on whether or not Jeff Tracy is alive or dead in TA's version of the TAG universe, and I never quite settled that question for myself. After how long it's been though, I think I at least have enough perspective to know which way I'm leaning.

I'm very much due for a rewatch of the series, and hopefully I can carve out time sometime soon to make that happen.

As far as something that may or may not resemble a glimmer of hope for a future where I get my ass back in gear, here's a cut and the first half of the chapter I left off in the middle of writing, for whatever that's worth!

61 - knit and purl

Grandma Tracy hasn't had much to knit in a while, and her fingers ache slightly, her muscle memory for the task having gone somewhat to rust. There's no great call for hats and scarves in the South Pacific, no one particularly in need of cableknit when there's Gore-tex and nanofleece to be had. Still, it had all come back quickly enough, and the bag she'd brought with her is no longer full of knitting needles and yarn, but of a gift for her grandson.

Not, crucially, the one whose birthday it actually is, though she'd caught Alan's sideways glances and nods of approval during the flight over, so it's not as though she thinks he minds.

Alan is presently in the process of very carefully putting TB2 down in an empty patch of farmland alongside a dirt road stretching between two fields. The windbreak around the farmhouse is in sight, as is the hulking green pickup truck rumbling along the road towards their appointed landing coordinates. From over her shoulder, Grandma Tracy can feel the intensity of Virgil's silent attention where he leans forward in one of the passenger seats, not wanting to backseat drive, but equally not wanting Alan to fudge the landing. John's still down in the cargo bay, hopefully buckled in.

Grandma isn't worried, though she can see her youngest grandson's tongue caught between his teeth and poking out between his lips as he concentrates. When the Thunderbird finally settles gently to the earth below, she watches him let out a great big breath and grin to himself, and when he glances across the cockpit towards her, she can tell he's after reassurance, and she's only too happy to oblige. "Nicely done, kiddo."

"Not too bad," Alan agrees, though his smile widens at the praise. He pushes his seat back, unbuckling his harness and stretching before hoisting himself upright and clambering back into the cabin proper. "I'm gonna get changed. You okay, Virg?"

Virgil's slept most of the flight through, and could probably do to get up and move around himself, but with his leg still in a cast and TB2's interior not exactly friendly to those in a state of reduced mobility, he's going to need help getting up and out of the ship. "Fine, Al. Good job. Give Grandma a hand before you go."

Grandma Tracy waves Alan away as he turns around, already extending a hand in her direction. "No, no, I'll sit a minute. Go get in your civvies, sweetheart. We're not in a hurry."

Alan shrugs and reverses course, giving Virgil's shoulder a light punch as he passes by, heading for the lockers and showers tucked back behind the cockpit. Virgil looks mildly disgruntled to have been overruled, but his expression softens slightly when Grandma turns in her seat to give him a gently knowing smile. "Hard to be back in your bird and not be the one flying, hm?"

"It sucks."

There's a blunt, uncharacteristic bitterness there that's hard to miss, the past few weeks have been hard on Virgil, in no small measure because they've been hard on his brothers. The pressure release of Gordon's circumstances seems to have done little to improve Virgil's mood, and it's hard to tell if he wants attention drawn to his attitude. She suspects not, and doesn't comment, only nods sympathetically. "Well, we're all on the ground now, and you can take it easy for a while."

This gets no better answer than an non-committal grunt, and the fact that Virgil's been taking it easy for weeks now hangs in the air, obvious but unstated, and then dissipates into nothingness as the cargo lift hums from behind them, and John returns from the lower cargo bay, with the little plexiglass sphere that houses his AI companion held loosely in one hand. "Al getting changed?" he asks, stooping slightly as he moves through the cockpit, coming to the front just in time to offer his grandmother a hand to her feet.

"Showering first," Grandma informs him, and accepts his help to stand and stretch. "Help an old lady back down to terra firma, won't you, dear?"

"Of course," John answers immediately, and offers his arm in a solicitous and genteel fashion, at odds with the way he's often written off as cold and distant. There's a rarely seen streak of gentility in John, most often only seen by his grandmother, who has the fortune of being one of the few recipients of his softer affections. Her hand on his arm is steadied when his palm closes lightly over her fingers, and he contrives to help her aboard the cargo lift in a way that doesn't make her feel doddering and weak. "I'll be back for you in a minute, Virgil, unless Alan gets you first," John attempts to tell his younger brother, but the only response is another dismissive grunt, and this is lost in the hydraulic hum of the cargo lift.

"Never mind about him," Grandma says, tipping her head lightly against her grandson's shoulder when he sighs aloud. "Gordon will cheer him up one way or the other, mark my words."

#talented amateurs #some kind of creative doubt

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digitalmidnight · 11 months ago

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Hey y'all

So I'm almost on spring break! Finals puts me in the mood to write for some reason. Long story short, my total Ao3 word count is 91,884. I therefore want to write 8,116 words to get to that sweet sweet even 100k.

Below are story ideas. One for Loonatics Unleashed, rest for Tom and Jerry. There's also a poll and I will write whatever wins. Poll ends around 2am, March 14th, PST

Loonatics Unleashed:

Solution [name pending]

"After another failed demonstration, Tech and Rev return to their home 3.5 minutes before the meteor falls, and their lives are changed forever." An expansion off this post. A different remimaging of Tech and Rev's relationship right before they get their powers. Based technically on the AU I had in my head, but I will write it with their canon powers and such. Rev will have his speed prior to powers, though. Oh, and some light angst as they figure out their powers, including Tech's :)

Tom and Jerry:

Rewrite/Remake: Don't fall in Love

"Jerry makes bet with Tom, the first one to fall in love loses." The rewrite will contain the same plot, but with updated writing, grammar and jokes. Don't fall in love has a mere 788 words. The updated version will be more expanded with lots more imagery.

Back again (Human AU + Ship):

"After many years of hyping it up, Tom finally takes Jerry to a multi-day event in his hometown. However, he begins to get cold feet as he remembers how unwelcoming it can be." A fic that takes place over 3 days involving almost comical amounts of miscommunication that takes place in a rural farm town.

[Warning! Potential to go over word limit. If it does, I'll post second place, get the pic, then post this]

Boxes (Human AU + Ship):

"Mentally, Tom puts everyone into boxes (stereotypes). Everyone is supposed to stay in their little box and be predictable. Tom can not put Jerry into a box, and Jerry seems to be dragging Tom out of his." Tom centric. Tom trying to overcome his own mental stereotypes while also coming to the realization he might have a crush.

Instincts (Canon + Implied)

Jerry hurt his legs and they are lost together in the woods. Tom has to get them out while also fighting his prey drive/hunger that gets worse the longer they are out there.

Last Night (Canon)

Tom irreparably breaks his owner's prized heirloom. Knowing he'll be punished no matter what he does, he decides to have one last night of fun. Tom centric and mostly about the feeling of dread that comes with making a mistake and fearing the consequences.

Amnesiacat (Canon + Friends)

5+1. 5 times one of them tries to remember, and 1 time they do. One of them (still picking who. Leaning towards Jerry) gets amnesia cartoon style. The amnesiac believes their relationship mimics the first cartoon, while their relationship has evolved to what it is in the later cartoons.

[Least developed idea mentally]

Winner of poll will be the fic written. The losers may or may not be written someday depending on hyperfixation/ideas being put into other fics.

For the Tom and Jerry fics: Human = they will be human. Canon = they will be cat and mouse. Ship = 100% romantic interest. Implied = it's possible. Friends = written as friends.

#writing midnight fanfiction #tom and jerry #loonatics unleashed #tumblr polls #ao3 #techrev #tech e coyote #rev runner #tom and jerry fic #tom cat #jerry mouse #tom x jerry

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snek-panini · 1 year ago

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It's been a few weeks since I had new books to share, but I finally got photos taken of the newest ones so today's the day. Here, have a book:

This is Across Tides and Currents, a Good Omens siren AU by Sodium_Azide and @doorwaytoparadise (hi. I hope I tagged you right). My favorite thing about this AU is that, at its heart, it's about learning to communicate with someone who is so different from you that you can't even physically speak each other's language, and yet you've still got so much common ground that you find a way. It's way lighter and more fun than that description makes it sound, though, so go read it if that's your thing.

The cover on this is Lineco book cloth, scrapbook paper printed to look like leather, and blue foil htv. The foil was actually a nightmare to do. The first time I applied it, it wouldn't stick no matter what I did, and the bits that did stick peeled off as soon as I touched them. I had to peel them up very carefully, cut a new image, and try again. Thankfully it worked the second time but I don't know that I'll be using the foil type again unless there's no other way to get the color I want. The non-foil metallic was so much easier to work with.

More book photos under the cut!

I went with a coptic bind for this one for a few reasons. The first was that I wanted to try one on a quarto-size book to see if I could. I also wanted to try the mitered corners thing I did when I bound Strange Moons, and see if I could have the same effect on the interior. (That bit didn't work out so well; the front is fine but I mismeasured the inside and the lines didn't match up, so I trimmed some pieces of cardstock to cover that up. I really like the layered look though, so that's fine. It's quirky.) The third reason is that not long before I decided to bind this one, the authors published a new chapter after two years of no updates. That's the best possible reason to have to change plans, and the glueless bind means that if they ever do that again I can just redo the stitching to add more pages. Win-win.

Getting whimsical with title pages here. This took way longer than I thought it would, probably because I don't like graphic design and I did it in Word where I do the rest of my typesetting. Usually what I do is grab an image and put text around it or on top of it and then just play with fonts and sizes, but this time I drew the lines and then made the text follow them. This is the first time I've used the word art feature since...probably 2009? I'd forgotten how. I have no doubt there are better ways to do this but if I'd had to learn a new program at that point I'd have quit. And I do think it was worth it--it's cute and fun and looks about how I imagined it.

Couple of photos of the inside. Sorry the first one's blurry, I had someone trying to get my attention when I took these. The section break image came from rawpixel, I just made it gray instead of black so it's more subtle. The fic has very nice illustrations that I specifically got the artist's permission to print and then I failed to get any photos of them when I did my little photo shoot. They look very nice, though. I swear.

The last image is something I've started including in my latest books. I'm calling them "A Note from the Bookbinder" and it's basically just me talking about why I chose that story, the experience of reading it for the first time, stuff that's going on in the fandom, stuff about the process like the new chapter coming out as I was preparing to print. It's kind of...like marginalia? Part of fanbinding is preservation and that's linked to archival work, and something I know archivists love is marginalia and diaries. I don't like writing in my books and I've never found any fun in journaling, but sometimes that kind of context is important so I'm trying to add it. Someday, decades from now, I may not remember all the details, so I'm trying to preserve them. IDK, this got philosophical on me. Go read about mermaids now. Promise it's a good time.

#bookbinding #fanbinding #snek makes books #good omens #fic rec #i wanted to do this as a mermay project #that did not happen #i finished it in october #happy mertober

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twilight-deviant · 1 month ago

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About FiskMatt fanfic, do you have any ideas for alternate universes you'd like to write, explore, or read?

Yes!

Absolutely. Haha. Looking through my folder, I have 27 FiskMatt WIPs in various stages of: almost done, worked on a little, and plot outline with bits of dialogue here and there. Then a sub-folder that just says "Ideas." 😅 None of those have any progress on them. They're just notes made before I forgot and say, "Be cool if..."

When you say "read," I wonder if you mean fics by other people that I'd like to read? And sure, of course. Any FiskMatt sounds amazing. May our tag be flooded. 🙏 (My personal preference is to only read through a teen rating though. I'm not much of one for smut or PWPs. Never have been. I know I sound ungrateful for not reading every single fic in the ship tag, but I do skip over those most of the time.) Specifically what I'd like to read more of? Well, one of my biggest kinks is mpreg or kidfic, so getting to enjoy other people's takes on those themes would be cool. 👀

And I can give examples of a few of my WIP fics, if you're interested...

• My next fic I'd like to finish (mostly done) is an established relationship AU to S1 where Fisk does kill Matt in the warehouse in 1x09, not knowing the Man in the Mask was the man he was dating. He then uses his connections with Gao and the Hand to bring him back (a la Elektra in Defenders). Good drama. 8 chapters; first 5 finished.

• I have my whole merman AU. I wrote a bit on it in this oneshot, but it would be nice to expand with more of my ideas one day. Though I'm not sure I ever will. I mean, I'll undoubtedly add more if ideas occur to me. I just don't know if it will ever be fleshed out enough to publish.

• There's a soulmate AU. It's the kind where the world is gray until you meet your soulmate, then you see color. Chosen because, well... Matt is blind. So Fisk (who is in his late fifties and thought it'd never happen) sees Matt and knows, but Matt is completely unaware.

• I have a WIP universe where Fisk and Matt have 10 kids. 😅 It's sort of crack-treated-seriously. Just for fun. I don't think I'll ever finish it enough to publish, but I like writing ideas down sometimes when they occur to me. Maybe I'll do a oneshot someday that's sort of just "day in the life of..." Hahaha.

• There are two separate instances in the comic (at least?) where Matt loses his memory. One of them, Fisk even threatens to use it to his advantage, but that plot sort of... peters out. Anyway, I have a fic where Matt forgets who he is and Fisk chooses to take advantage. Except he's not really sure what to do with him? But the innocence and trust amnesia!Matt shows obviously starts to endear Fisk to him.

• I have an a/b/o AU where Fisk and Vanessa are in their little relationship. (Maybe existing for longer than in the show.) Then they meet omega Matt in the art gallery, and they both like him. They think he could make a great surrogate for them to start a family. Fisk/Vanessa wine and dine him, make the proposal. Matt is horrified. lol. But he agrees (to pretend to go along with it-- not to actually do it) because it sounds like a good way to get close to Fisk and gather more information. Long story short, this plan goes very, very sideways.

• In a similar vein, I have an a/b/o AU where Vanessa dies from the gala poisoning in S1. Matt, who encounters Fisk again after their amiable meeting at the art gallery, offers his condolences and uses Fisk's heartbreak as a way to fill that void and get close to him. Fisk is still too upset to take the bait. Matt pushes harder, gives him the ol omega seduction. Not only does Fisk resent him for this afterwards, but he figures out Matt is Daredevil along the way. Wants to kill him but... whoops, Matt is pregnant.

• From the Ideas folder, I have a Pacific Rim AU. lol. Cause why not? I just thought a few aspects sounded interesting. Fisk funds the creation of his own jaeger and is intent on using it himself. He just needs a co-pilot and auditions for one. Lo! he and Matt are drift compatible. There can be drama of Matt having to make peace with all the evil he sees in Fisk's head-- accept it for the greater good. Not to mention being overwhelmed by experiencing Fisk's sight and Fisk being overwhelmed by Matt's hyper senses. Mmm.

• Also from the Ideas folder, I have a Western AU. I could do a genuine 1872 AU someday (love westerns), but this one is about modern Fisk and Matt getting time traveled back. After fighting over a Norn Stone or something, idk. It's truce until they can find their way back home. That takes longer than expected, so they sort of settle in for a bit. Luckily? Fisk has experience farming and such?

• I have more WIPs, of course. Some of them aren't very "AU" so much as just a fic. A lot of them are mpreg or kidfic because I'm weak and incredibly self-indulgent. Hahaha. I do have one that's an AU to the book/movie Room. (Movie trailer here.) It's not a 1-for-1 adaptation but based on the premise. Basically, Fisk has had Matt locked up for years and "visits" him. They have a son who was born within this captivity that Matt keeps from him but Fisk insists he needs to be brought into the world already. But since Fisk can't really trust letting Matt go too, it kind of means taking the kid. I like angst. I have another kidfic where they have a son Matt kept secret from Fisk for years, but now the kid has been kidnapped and Matt has to ask for his help.

It's all very self-indulgent. (✿◡‿◡)

#Ask #Anonymous #FiskMatt #Marvel #Daredevil

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f1rewalk3r · 2 days ago

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hello. i have begun writing again

you can sub to my substack or just look at the posts here since im gonna mirror them. https://firewalker9.substack.com?utm_source=navbar&utm_medium=web

An Introduction

It is the eve of February 2025, and my year is about to start. That’s not to say I haven’t done anything in January- rather, it has been one of the busiest months of my life- No, it is the start of my year because it is the same time last year that I began to kill my old life.

I feel no shame in saying there is a fogginess to my memory beyond my own deliberate occlusion of these events. Nevertheless, it remains prudent for me to try and process these things by writing about them- just not right now. No, instead I wish to work to outline the context for this piece and others, past and future.

Hello. I am Rejoyce, formerly Jocelyn. Most of the time, at least, I think. I have been stricken by writer’s block for almost 9 months. It seems only fitting, 3.5 years into my 5 year attempt at a 4 year creative writing degree, that after everything- from the failed graduate survey courses to the vaguely biblical poetry readings to the short stories to the half dozen barely started novel attempts- I have returned to the very subject that gave me writers block, but also that in which I first started writing in all those years ago: non-fiction.

There is, of course, another element, that being the ever-present sword of Damocles hanging over the head of the 2020s transsexual: the current political climate. It would be foolish for me to look around at our current world and say anything other than, “What would Hunter S. Thompson do?” The answer being, of course, a lot of drugs. But he would also write. And thus.

The point of this exercise, (that is, not only to write, but to allow others to read it, especially while it is still in adolescence, still metastasizing), is to further myself in the growth of a new life. “Write more,” is a goal that fits neatly with the rest of my goals for 2025, which I can list as the following:

Finally confront the dark version of myself inside the mirror

Escape the time loop

Discover a cryptid

Let the wound in my heart bleed freely

Develop an extra lobe in my brain

Escape the time loop

Conduct expedition #5 into the House

Make out with as many people as possible (save scandalous fag sex for select few)

Escape the time loop

Get kinkier

These goals seem far more achievable to me then the insurmountable tasks set by the deranged homunculi that live among us like “Eat healthier” and “Go to the gym.” I am above fooling myself with such delusion.

There comes a time when it no longer serves the individual to hide themselves from the world- I believe that time is now. This is true not just of my writing, but of all transsexual art of the 2020s. In the face of the uncaring leviathan, what more can one do then simply say, “I am here. I existed. This is who I was, this is what I thought,” in the hopes that, someday, in a kinder world, they may be remembered.

#my writing

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ashfae · 1 year ago

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Hi, and happy Yuletide, holidays and/or the end of the year! I'm once again wandering from askbox to askbox, asking questions from my fellow Good Omens fanfic writers.

How was your writing year? What's the favourite story you wrote? Yes, YOUR favourite of YOUR work! Feel free to gush about your creations, I'm looking forward to hearing all about it!

I wish you all the comments and kudos, and an exceptional new year! 🧡 Mirjam

Aww Mirjam thank you!!

My writing year really picked up at the end! Not just because I bashed out THREE (wheee!) fics as Secret Santa gifts, all of which I'm happy with, but because I'm working on Toccata and Fugue and Unusual Strings again. I desperately want to finish those two. (someday I will complete something that's not a oneshot, I swear to Crowley...) (Except of course I have another new series breathing down my neck gaaah no Satellite I do not have the spoons to turn you into a whole damn season 2 fix-it plot aughhhhh noooo....!! )(I may just write a "I am NOT writing a whole epic story because I can't but here are the key scenes that won't leave me alone" thing anyway to exorcise it though) ANYWAY the one I'm most happy about I'll babble about in another post because it now has ART WHEEEE, but my second favourite I think St Paul Survives, because it was so unlike anything I've ever written before. I want to experiment more with magic realism, I think. It'll probably turn incredibly over the top emotional and purple prose-y and break every rule my writing teachers of the past once drilled into me but I've decided I no longer care. ;)

Happy new year @mirjam-writes, may you keep writing wonderful things and inspiring those around you. <3 And thanks to absolutely everyone who's followed me, encouraged me, offered support and comments and kudos (especially A03 comments!), and been generally spiffykeen. It's been a tough year of accepting I'm now pretty permanently disabled and can no longer follow my librarian vocation, so my main determination for the coming year is to make sure my health is as good as it can be so brain fog stays at bay and I can write even if I can't move around. So it helps so, so, so much to know people are reading and enjoying what I do and share and are encouraged by the comments I leave, on a very real day-to-day basis. If I'm putting any more joy and laughter into the world, on however small a level, that keeps me going. THANK YOU. Fandom forever. <3

#good omens #good omens fanfic #my fic #mirjam is a dear and you all need to know that btw #also a terrific writer

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clovers-in-despair · 8 months ago

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Hey Clover. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Advian, but you can call me Ade for short. Nice to meet you. I saw your DR3 Rewrite/AU and I gotta say, I'm in love with it. I love everything from how you have Human Chiaki survive her execution (as well as the story behind her survival and what she does after she recovering from her execution injuries; I especially like how you integrated her into UDG & Hope Arc, as well as showcasing her reaction to the events of SDR2 through monitorization, and getting to reunite with both Hajime and the rest of the DR2 cast in the end), Junko corrupting the DR2 cast into despair through the exploitation (along with emotional & psychological manipulation) of their weaknesses & backstories instead of using Chiaki's death & the brainwashing video to force them into despair (as I too am not keen on either of those aspects; not only with the brainwashing just reeking lazy & bad writing, but also with Human Chiaki being used as a plot device, and I heavily dislike characters being used as plot devices, rather than feeling like their own characters) + them falling into despair individually rather than all together, and showcasing the cast actually being affected by the events of Despair Arc & SDR2 and trying to heal and recover from them. I also like the 3D models you have for Chiaki, as well as the fake name you gave her, Miyuki Watanabe. I find it to be a very cute and adorable name. So much so that I almost named my DR OC/Self-Insert Miyuki after your version of Human Chiaki's fake name, before ultimately deciding to name her Hikaru Enoshima, the Ultimate Social Media Star and adoptive younger sister of Junko Enoshima & Mukuro Ikusaba.

If you don't mind, I have some questions I'd like to ask you in regards to your DR Rewrite/AU.

May I have your permission to do a review on your DR3 Rewrite/AU post for my Advian Reads & Reviews content (which in case you're curious about, AR&R is reading review series where I read something, like fanfiction for example, while also doing a review on it at the same time, giving my thoughts on whatever I'm reviewing as well as potentially even sharing my own stories)?

Do you plan on making a post on why you don't like DR3's storyline? Just a heads up, I'm not asking you this to make upset you or anything (and if I did, then I apologize in advance). I'm just asking out of curious and also cuz I'd love to learn your thoughts regarding your opinions on DR3 and why you aren't a fan of its storyline.

Do you plan on making more posts of your Danganronpa AU? I ask because I'm wondering if there's anything else you'd rewrite in your AU, especially in DR3's Future, Despair, & Hope Arc aside from what you mentioned in the post itself, like the stuff regarding Human Nanami's survival + reunion with the rest of the DR2 cast and the way Class 77-B is corrupted into despair. And also, because I would love to learn more about this DR AU of yours.

Does your Danganronpa AU have a name? If so, what is it called? If it doesn't have a name, then that's ok. I understand if it doesn't have a name beyond "Danganronpa 3 Rewrite/AU", as I too have Reimagines/AUs of mine that don't have names to them and are simply titled "[insert piece of media here] Reimagined AU". Although I will admit, I do hope to give them proper names someday. So, no need to apologize or worry if it doesn't have a name. I completely understand and get where you're coming from.

Do you still plan on turning your DR3 Rewrite/AU into a fanfiction someday like you mentioned in the post or are you no longer planning on doing that? And if so, what website would you post it on if you did end up writing it out (Tumblr, AO3, Wattpad, Quotev, etc)? Not trying to pressure you or anything. Again, just asking out of curiosity as I would love to see your DR3 rewrite be written into a fanfiction. Not to mention that this line from the post, "Maybe one day I’ll write fanfiction for this!", encouraged me to post my ideas & outlines for my Reimagines/AUs on my side blog @letsreimagine and someday write them out into fanfiction (when I feel like I've leveled up and gained more experience as a writer, including in terms of fanfics and media rewrites) and post them on writing websites like Wattpad, AO3, & Quotev. Maybe even someday adapt them into something like an audio drama, animatic series, or reimagine/au videos on YouTube (when I create my YT channel in the future).

And those are my questions. In regards to gaining your permission to review your DR3 Rewrite/AU, if you do grant permission, great! I'll be sure to credit you and give you a shoutout too if you do. And if you don't, then I'm content with that and will understand and respect the reason behind your refusal, whatever that reason may be. Again, it's nice to meet you Clover and I hope we can become friends. If you'd like to, that is. Feel free to respond back to me whenever you get the chance. Thank you, hope you have a wonderful day/afternoon/evening + weekend, and hope you enjoy your Easter this weekend as well too. 🤗💕❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💖💕🤗 🐰🥚🐥💐☀️

Hello!! I know you sent this moooonths ago but I've been MIA from Tumblr for a long time. You have permission to do whatever you like with the idea! I don't think at this time I plan to do anything more with it, maybe in the future. Though.. reading this has brought the entire thing back to the forefront of my mind so we shall see. I am so thrilled you enjoyed the concept so much. I hopped on Tumblr at 1am after not using it in forever.. never expected to see this. I lit up in excitement.

I never thought about naming the AU and would definitely be open to suggestions.

Chiaki deserved better. In writing. In her story. Everything. She is such an important character and I'm disappointed they rushed through her real life counterpart. She was important to everyone, but they failed to really show us why in a way that truly tugs on the heartstrings.

Sorry, I know this so all over the place!! If you're still interested in doing anything with the au, you have my full permission!

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oldbutnotyetwise · 1 year ago

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Unexpected Gifts

I have said this before and it bears repeating here, every good thing that happens has some bad attached to it, and every bad thing that happens has some good attached.

As I am writing this I have crossed the one year anniversary since my diagnosis of ALS was confirmed at Sunnybrook Hospital. Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, a rare neurological disease that affects motor neurons in the brain or spinal cord that affect voluntary muscle movement. Think of it like when you go to sleep, except in my case parts of my body are going to sleep never to wake again. I’ve lost the use of my legs, I’m losing the use of my left hand, and my ability to speak is being impaired. Eventually the muscles that allow me to breath and swallow will stop working. In some cases ALS also results in frontal lobe dementia, so your two options are having a healthy mind trapped inside a non-working body, or dementia where you still are trapped inside of a non-functioning body while you have no understanding of what is going on, or the burden you are placing on your caretakers.

So about now you should be saying, how can there be anything positive about having ALS? What good can possibly come from this Death Sentence? Well let’s ponder that question and see what we can come up with.

When given a terminal diagnosis I had a rather drastic shift on my perception of time. Prior to the diagnosis, I didn’t give time much thought, foolishly I thought that my time was almost like grains of sand on a large beach, almost endless. Once I received my diagnosis suddenly time became like the water in a canteen, something not to be wasted or used foolishly. So you are wondering why is this a good thing, well it is because I have been taught the lesson of Mindfulness. When you have lots of something it is hard not to take it for granted. When you have something that is limited and quickly running out then you appreciate it a lot more. You suddenly realize what an amazing gift time is. You suddenly have the wisdom not to waste your time on foolish things. You don’t waste your time on bad books, bad movies or with people you don’t want to spend time with. If you want to do something and you can, than you do, no longer putting things off for some day in the future because now you know that someday may not come. I wish that I had learned this lesson about the value of time much earlier in my life, but am grateful that I did learn it eventually and in turn have worked much harder at enjoying what remaining time that I have left.

Living in Canada, or in this case Ontario I have a government run Health Plan. On top of this I also have a benefit plan from my workplace until I am 65. I will spare you numerous sad stories of people in other provinces, or in the U.S. who were waiting for approval for the ALS drugs and after two years of waiting they finally get the letter advising they had been approved,,,,the day before they enter a Hospice. People who live in remote areas of provinces where they are hours and hours away from the nearest ALS Clinic, or even any medical assistance. We are now living just over an hour from the ALS Clinic at Sunnybrook Hospital in Toronto, generally accepted to probably be the best one in Canada. I never really understood what a gift the pubic health care system was prior to this, but I do recognize how lucky I am in comparison to so many others.

I would guess that my ALS medications probably cost somewhere between 200 and 300 thousand dollars a year. My benefit plan is presently paying for my drugs, can you imagine not having coverage for drugs that could possibly help you? Where you have to decide between selling or mortgaging your home and draining your bank accounts to buy your medications or choosing to go without. Where medical decisions are based on dollar amounts instead of what is best for you? I am grateful for the gift of a benefit plan that allows me to take these expensive drugs in the hope that they are helping me.

I have met so many amazing people in the medical field since the first day I attended Sunnybrook. The entire team at Sunnybrook who compassionately care for their hundreds of patients, knowing that everyone they are caring for will eventually lose their fight, ALS remains undefeated. As well the nurses, ALS Society, and Community Care Team who all make this horrible disease a little more tolerable. I am grateful for the gift of all the caring people who work hard to look after me in such a kind, caring and compassionate way.

A disease such as ALS is expensive. The amount of medical or assistive equipment can be prohibitive, says the guy waiting for his $32,000 electric wheelchair. The items we have around the house are a collection of things people have given or loaned us, we have purchased new or used, or that we have been reimbursed for through my benefit plan. There is something called the ALS Loan Cupboard where people donate used medical equipment, let’s be honest, probably after their loved one dies. I presently have a walker, electric lift chair and an electric hospital bed all loaned to me from the loan cupboard. The list of medical equipment I require is constantly growing and already my life would be unbearable without it, so I am grateful for the gift of all this equipment that I have access to that helps me make it through my days.

I will wholeheartedly acknowledge that I find myself surrounded by the best possible friends. These are friends that take time out of their very busy lives to visit, or call, or email or set up video calls. Somehow the whole world is going on at an extremely hectic pace while my life is coasting to a stop. Most of the world continues on riding the merry go round of life, but a few people realize something important is going on and they are here for me. Together we exchange old memories, share embraces, shed a few tears and just generally stand by each other. When you are travelling a dark scary path and suddenly you find a trusted friend at your side you will notice your path becomes a lot less dark and scary. I am grateful for the gift of dear, treasured friends.

I have my dear sweet wife Robin here by my side from sun up to sun down working so very hard to look after me. I don’t think anyone else has someone as amazing as her, and some people are forced to go through this nightmare alone, which I can’t even begin to imagine how impossibly hard that would be. I am grateful for the gift of my loving wife Robin.

In Canada there is Medical Assistance In Dying, also known as MAID. If you have a terminal illness, you can fill out a form, meet with a Physician who should agree with your decision and sign off on the form. Then a minimum of three months later you meet with a second doctor go through the process again at which time you can select a day you want to end your life. You can change your date or back out at any time, and yes if you are wondering it is a surreal experience going through this process. I have friends travelling the same path as I am in the United States who would have to travel to another state to end their lives, as if this process isn’t difficult enough they have to travel to a strange place hundreds of miles away from their home and friends to end their suffering. I am grateful for the gift of living somewhere that I am treated as kindly as a beloved pet who is allowed to leave this world when their struggle to live becomes too much for them. Leaving this world in a kind compassionate manner, surrounded by loved ones, finally able to rest after fighting the good fight.

So I encourage you to always remember, every good thing that happens has bad attached, and very bad thing has good attached. So next time something bad happens to you I encourage you to look for the good. Yes you may have to look hard, yes it may be hard to find but I assure you it is there. Then once you find those good things I encourage you to focus on them rather than the bad things, I think that will help make your journey a bit easier.

#als #unexpected gifts #gratitude

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