#max's mom is boss battle | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

serenasolaris · 2 years ago

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Serena sitting down and continuing her work on a semi-consistent schedule? I know, I know, kind of insane.

Anyways, let’s cut right back to the chase: We left last post with an in-depth understanding of the basic workings of the mechanics present in The Binding of Isaac, having categorised its combat system and understood how to maximise our advantages. We’ve learnt a few things about this game, namely, that it’s a heavily randomised rogue-like action game with a great emphasis on utilising resources in intelligent ways to min-max the advantages available to the player, and thus make combat easier to survive. Now, we’ll delve into how these mechanics are explored and elaborated on in the flash version’s greatest initial moments, and then lay witness to all that came after that. We might explore the ways in which the game’s scope and focus changed along its history, and finally explain Why Everything About The Binding of Isaac Pisses Me Off, at least gameplay-wise. So, without further ado, let us clear the basement’s floors, and proceed to what lurks below. Follow me as we jump down the trapdoor to the caves, and we discuss...

The Binding of Isaac (and why everything about it pisses me off)

Part Two: Repentant

After having utilised the resources available to us in the best of our ability for a few floors, we should be prepared to deal with the bosses lurking in the depths of the game or at least have some self respect in order to cut our losses and restart to save time. Since, in our case, we got a quality 4 item in the literal first floor of the game, I’d say luck has smiled upon us and the amount of painstaking work we have to put into surviving what’s to come is fairly minimal. So allow us to, instead, jump right into what’s next.

This is actually the boss I was hoping to get in Basement 1 last time, because (while I consider Monstro a better introductory boss with basic attacks) I feel like Gemini exemplifies the cooperation between chasers and clutters to great effect.

(Just a heads up, I had to hop on a different run to get some of these screenshots, namely this one of the Gemini fight and one later on of the Mom’s Heart/It Lives! fight, so I’m sorry for the inconsistency and for not having the funny laser beam in some of the following screenshots. Doesn’t really matter, but I figured some would be curious anyways.)

Gemini is a pair of parasitic twins composed by a tall, derpy looking guy with a visible wound (called Contusion) and a tiny baby guy that fires shots directly at the player (called Suture). They are connected via an umbilical cord of some sort, and their boss fight is fairly simple.

But it also serves to teach the player something a bit more important: clutters are there to make chasers harder. See how each boss has their own health bar? That’s actually from a mod, normally their health would be collapsed into a single bar, but each twin does have its own health. And the order in which they are killed affects the fight.

Contusion is a medium difficulty chaser that follows the player around. On ocassion, he will sprint for a short period and chase the player a bit faster, getting tired and having to stop for a breath after doing so for a few seconds.

Suture, on the other hand, is simply attached to Contusion, getting dragged around by him and periodically firing shorts straight towards the player when they enter his line of sight. While the shots he fires could be considered chaser-y, the fact that he fires them continuously even when Contusion is catching a breath after running makes him more of a clutter: an annoyance that aims to put the player in a disfavourable position in order to increase the general difficulty of the chaser’s actual directed attacks.

This boss, then, becomes a lesson on the cooperation between clutters and chasers during battle, which makes up the game’s battle system and only grows in complexity over time.

If Contusion is killed first, Suture goes from a fairly easy clutter to a high difficulty chaser with high health. He takes great knockback from Isaac’s tears and moves frantically, similar to level 2 flies, trying to chase Isaac directly. The fact that attacking him makes him move in unpredictable directions due to tear knockback and the fact that he can fly over obstacles that most characters cannot fire over without certain items, as well as the fact that room layouts containing Gemini are often full of rocks and other obstacles that make it harder for the player to get around makes him a surprisingly difficult fight for a single tiny fetus attacking the player in a fairly basic way, and makes him especially dangerous for newer players. Most new players will get this as Gemini’s second phase most of the time, as firing backwards towards Contusion while he chases you is a lot easier than actively going out of your way to fire at Suture during the first phase of the battle.

However, a knowledgeable player can do something else instead.

(Ignore the fact that I’m at half health. Paying attention to when would be a good time to take a screenshot while you’re being chased by a medium speed enemy is a good way to have your hearts cut in half, especially when you have only a single bad item.)

By killing Suture first, and leaving Contusion without clutter support, the fight goes from a clutter + chaser duo that transforms into a high difficulty chaser battle to a clutter + chaser duo that simply loses its clutter and transforms into a medium to low difficulty chaser battle. This demonstrates how the support of clutter enemies can greatly increase the difficulty of chasers, but also how chasers are the ones actually going in and putting in the work. Gemini’s main attack is getting chased by Contusion, and if he’s gone, then the main attack becomes a much more difficult chase by Suture which, unlike the one performed by his larger brother, has no pause. But if the player understands how attacks interact and how Suture’s constant shots force them to move around the stage, they can utilise strategy to make Contusion less of a risk by eliminating Suture first, and in doing so make the fight have an easier second phase too. The game even rewards players that do this: On alternate “Champion” versions of the boss that sometimes appear and replace the regular one, killing Suture first and Contusion second gives the boss a chance to drop red or soul health upon death, but if Contusion is killed first then Suture is guaranteed to drop nothing. This fight teaches the player how to manage a very basic duo by exemplifying how enemies amplify each other’s difficulty, and the next fight we’ll talk about will be the final lesson the player needs to learn about how battles in this game work.

Mom is a main story boss, meaning you will always encounter her during your runs, and she’s the final boss of the Depths (or Mausoleum, if you take the alternative path) chapter. She’s the fakeout final boss of the game, being presented as the final enemy the player must defeat, but upon killing her for the first time the Womb chapter is unlocked and the real final story boss of the (flash version of the) game, Mom’s Heart, becomes available. Mom, then, becomes both a test and a final lesson for the player, as their understanding of the game’s battle system will be tested by everything to come after her.

Okay, so, remember what I said about enemies being divided into chasers and clutters? That’s not entirely true: Chasers and clutters are actually types of attacks, it’s just that most enemies and some bosses only have one attack method. But mom, as a self-respecting story boss with a theme of her own, has several. So let’s break down each of them.

Mom’s main chaser attack is her stomp, so iconic that it’s even potrayed as her boss transition screen portrait and in some of the floor transition nightmare sequences. She will periodically grunt, after which a shadow will appear directly below the player, and then try to stomp down on the player with her foot. This attack does a full heart of damage, as opposed to the half heart that most attacks have been doing up until this point, but even though it’s dangerous it does not make an entire final boss fight on its own.

This leads us to her next attack: If Isaac is close enough to any of the four boss room doors present in her arena, mom can use her hand to reach out from it and attack. Since only mom’s foot, hands, and her eyes (which she can periodically stick out of the doors in the room as well) can be damaged, this measure serves to prevent the player from just running up to the eyes as they appear and firing at them up close without thinking. However, it also serves as a very effective clutter attack: Mom’s arena is full of rocks that hinder the player’s movement. While mom’s stomp attack will slowly clear the way if it happens to hit the rocks in the arena, at the start of the fight there will barely be any empty room besides the center of the arena itself, where mom will try to stomp the player, and the area immediately connected to the doors, where she will try to grab the player with her hand.

Now, for the next fight, we’ll see a boss that doesn’t teach the player, but rather challenges them, and it does this by turning the boss fight formula on its head.

These two attacks synergise nicely, limiting the player’s options and forcing them to act and think fast and strategically in order to clear the rocks impeding their movement and not get hit by the other attacks mom uses. However, again, mom wouldn’t be a final boss only with these two attacks, not even a fakeout final boss, so this is where her final ability comes in: Mom can actually summon other enemies to the stage.

The enemies Mom summons are quite over the place, but due to the role they serve during mom’s fight, I feel quite comfortable saying that they are clutters. They’re there to force the player to move around, coming from the doors around the walls of the room and moving towards the center, while also fighting them off in order to avoid getting cornered and hit by mom’s stomp attack. The player will need a solid damage stat in order to fight them off, as even though mom can only summon 3 at a time they still can very much overwhelm a player who got unlucky and didn’t try to make up for it via other means, but mom’s stomp attack can actually help the player with this, getting rid of the enemies attacking them. This fight, then, becomes a battle between the player and mom’s army of clutters, to clear them out of the way and make her attacks manageable to then be finally able to damage mom herself. It’s a masterclass on TBOI’s, again, fairly simple combat system, and utilises the resources available to it in the perfect way to make the most of the game’s strengths.

Mom’s Heart, or It Lives! if you’ve beaten it enough times (although the fight remains the same) is the final boss of the Womb, and the final main story boss of the original flash game (dear flash veterans, remember that Satan was added as a post-game boss in a later update). As the final boss in the game, mom’s heart serves less as a lesson and more as a test, challenging the player’s ability and minmaxing knowledge in order to present them with an unconventional final showdown.

Woo! Now that we’ve mastered the game’s combat system through various examples and minmaxed our way through the eight floors of the original game, with a little luck on our side we’ll be able to face whatever else the game is going to throw at us next! Surely no challenge shall be too great for our understanding of the game’s systems! Now let’s go and see what was added after the flash version!

Mom’s heart is somewhat strange for a boss, as unlike most bosses it barely has any chaser attacks (and only uses them in the later phases of its fight). Instead, it also summons enemies to her arena like mom, but unlike mom’s usage of her enemy summons to support her own attacks, mom’s heart mainly uses powerful clutter attacks to provide support for high difficulty enemies with long and short distance chaser attacks, making it harder for the player to avoid what would otherwise be not much different to a random string of unconnected rooms.

The challenge that mom’s heart brings to the table is something nothing else in the game does, because it creates difficulty by creating permanent support for chaser attacks that’s there until the fight is finally over. By making the player unable to defeat the clutter support first and fight the chasers last, mom’s heart is testing their ability to survive and their power to push through all of its enemies as fast as possible. It creates difficulty not by giving the player particularly difficult chaser attacks to deal with, but instead by taking chaser attacks and giving them an environment to thrive in, and within which they can do serious harm they wouldn’t be able to otherwise. This is the final test for the player after the final lesson that mom taught them, and it is excellently designed for that goal: a fast paced dangerous fight against an onslaught of chasers with permanent clutter support that won’t go away until the battle is finally over. It’s not difficult to see why these two are the final bosses of the original flash game.

For example... What’s that strange hole in the back there?

This, my friends, is the Blue Womb.

And this is where The Binding of Isaac starts to break.

The Blue Womb is a strange floor with barely any rooms. It contains two treasure rooms, four golden chests you can open for pickups (which you can actually look inside of thanks to an item in my inventory!), and a shop. It also contains a strange boss room, 2x2 rooms large. Alright, let’s get all we can out of these last few resources and look at whatever’s in there!

One first thing before we do: The Blue Womb can only be accessed by beating the entire game up until this point (that is, the Basement, Caves, Depths and Womb) in a single run under 30 minutes. That’s... kind of strange for a game so devoted to long periods of minmaxing followed by climactic quick showdowns against difficult foes, but not that strange. In Rebirth, the remake that all the new DLCs came out for, they added the Boss Rush, which you can get by defeating mom in under 20 minutes, so it’s not completely out of left field that they do something like this. The Boss Rush tests players’ game knowledge and their ability to come up with the most powerful build they can in the shortest amount of time possible, and rewards them with a climactic, fast paced, risky showdown against 15 waves of the bosses we’ve fought up until this point, so it also ends up being a very rewarding experience for those who have mastered the game and its deckbuilding mechanics, while also rewarding lucky runs with a fun optional battle that truly showcases the power they’ve obtained in order to get here. Surely this must be just like the boss rush: a fast paced battle to showcase the power of a build that could defeat mom’s heart in under 30 minutes! I mean, the boss room is even the size of the boss rush room. That seems like enough space for an onslaught of enemies to me.

Let me see what I can make of these last few resources, and go right in there.

Oh, a single boss! I’m ready for a frantic battle. Let’s go!

Hm. This just seems to be a reskin of the Blue Baby (or ???) boss in the chest, one of the areas added in the first DLC, Wrath of The Lamb, but... slower, for some reason? Did they give him higher health to compensate for the larger room size? Oh well.

Oh. Okay. When you kill that guy, a large face comes from the floor and starts performing a maelstrom of clutter attacks! That’s why the room is so large, to give you breathing room for when the chasers come. Obviously. Let’s start going at him!

Hm. No chasers yet, but he does seem to be firing some of his shots straight at me. I guess this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too? Nothing wrong with that. He does seem to have a lot of health, though...

Rings of bullets. Good thing I got lucky and got brimstone before this fight, I don’t really know how you’re supposed to avoid these attacks while consistently firing at him. The room size doesn’t really help, either... Oh well, at least he’s always in the center of the room.

...Cluttering. With little to no chasers to speak of.

Hm.

Oh, look! There’s the chasers! They’re... a ring of tiny flies with low health that come straight at me at a moderate speed.

Huh??? This guy is incomprehensible! What is he trying to do? Do his clutter attacks even give support to his allies? And why does he have so much health? He’s trying to be mom’s heart, but falling just short! Eh, whatever, maybe he has a second phase and gets better then.

Okay, what the hell is this attack? He just fires shots randomly towards one side, and then they go out that side and come out from the other side of the stage? Why are the shots zigzagging up and down nonsensically? What is going on? How am I supposed to dodge this?

...Oh, there’s a safespot that you can hide in when he does this attack and if you do that you take literally no damage? Hm. But wouldn’t the chaser attacks force you out of there? Is this guy just pure clutter? Weird. Oh well. I died, but thanks to one of my items, 1up, I get to respawn right where I left off in the last room. Since I’m trying to showcase this guy, being at half a soul heart could prove inconvenient, so I’m just going to deck myself out with a full healthbar through the console.

Oh look! He’s summoning chasers now! Finally the REAL fight is starting. I do wonder if he’s gonna keep doing those attacks while these guys are here, though... That would require the player to luck out with some high damage or extra health in order to be able to tank all the hits from the enemies everywhere.

Nevermind, those guys were pitifully weak and died almost instantly, and so he went back to full clutter mode. And now he’s moving away from the center of the room? If he keeps spamming attacks like that, I would straight up just not be able to hit him without getting hit myself or waiting for him to stop attacking. Thank the heavens for brimstone’s infinite range.

...Why’s this fight taking so long, anyway?

And out of nowhere, during the attack that literally requires a safe spot to consistently dodge, he decides out of nowhere to start firing fast as hell chaser beams after me??? I don’t think I’d be able to avoid these if my speed stat was lower, although, to be fair, The Binding of Isaac never set out to be a fair or balanced game. The fun of it is precisely found in the imbalance of creating a broken build and flattening your enemies like sheets of paper under a wartank. Although this guy doesn’t really seem flatten-able? Hm. Something’s up here.

And now, he’s finally dead. That was surprisingly long for Isaac. I wonder how long I would’ve been stuck here if I didn’t have some of the best items in the game and the ability to give myself health through console commands. His attacks are weird as hell? What was up with that guy, anyway?

Dropping the character now and discussing this boss utilising my now extensive knowledge of the game: This, my friends, was Hush.

And Hush is where The Binding of Isaac’s core design goes to die.

Hush, added in the Afterbirth DLC, is a point of no return. He signals a before and an after in the way TBOI is designed, setting a precedent for future endgame bosses, floors and enemies to follow. He is the ultimate challenge for Isaac players because he’s not an Isaac boss, he’s something that was fitted into Isaac as Edmund McMillen’s thoughts on his own game started changing. Hush is when The Binding of Isaac stops being a casual rogue-like game with some bits of critique towards parental and religious abuse, and starts becoming Content.

500 (at minimum) hours of pure, raw, unfiltered content.

Because all this game decides to turn into is a gigantic container for the world’s grossest, most cheaply made slaw.

The Binding of Isaac is an action rogue-like based heavily around luck and strategy. It requires the player to get lucky with good resources and then be aware of how to utilise those resources to their fullest potential in order to grant themselves major advantages. It has a fairly simple combat system that relies on “clutter” enemies and attacks to make “chaser” enemies and attacks, also known as the main threats in battle, more difficult to avoid for the player. To keep itself satisfying, Isaac uses a format of short runs where everything can go by fast and fights are often more sudden frantic skirmishes than long endurance tests. However, the game itself also encourages the player to take their time in order to maximise their advantages and make themselves as powerful as possible, because creating strong builds that make the player feel like a god on earth is the most fun part of the entire game.

...Okay, that might have been a bit of exaggeration. But let me explain why I just despise Hush so much.

Remember everything I’ve told you up until this point about the game? I know you do, but let’s just summarise all that we know about this game for good measure.

Now, let’s see what the developers think about their own game.

Okay, okay, okay. Let’s ignore the part about the lore for now, because I also want to talk about it, but now is not the time.

It’s an... action RPG shooter? Well, the word “RPG” has no meaning nowadays, so that’s technically accurate. And you do shoot things. I wouldn’t call it a shooter, games with a focus on shooting tend to put more of a focus on interesting bullet patterns and consistency, and value skill much more highly than knowledge, putting the player in difficult and long battles they will have to work hard to survive. You know, actually, that’s a bit like Hush; he has a hidden attribute that makes you deal reduced damage if your damage stat is too high, forcing the battle to be longer, and tight bullet patterns that require lots of attention to dodge, and... Wait a second...

Does Hush think he’s in a Shoot ‘Em Up???

Nah, there’s no way. The next line in the description makes that clear: Players will find “bizarre treasures that change Isaac’s form giving him super human abilities”. There’s clearly more of a focus on strategy here. This is a game about strategising around resources in ways that maximise the player’s advantage, it’s not a shmup, it’s not Touhou, and it knows that. The devs know it. They must... How could they just be ignorant to the strengths of their own game?

That does beg the question though... Why is Hush Like That?

Maybe checking the patch notes for the latest update could give us a little more insight into what the game’s devs were thinking when they introduced certain new things to the game.

Hmm. Alright, that’s just a bunch of changes to certain items and stuff. But there’s one thing here that seems important...

...What does that mean?

Let me explain.

Tainted characters are alternate versions of the game’s main cast that can be unlocked by opening a secret door in one of the newest final floors added in DLC. Their characteristics are different and they usually have weirder playstyles. Tainted Cain is no different, having a set of characteristics that make him different from everyone else.

Tainted Cain starts with a special item, the Crafting Bag. He also can’t pick up items in any rooms (with like, one exception that only exists thanks to an item you unlock by beating most of the entire game), turning item pedestals into various pickups upon coming into contact with them. However, he can still get items: His crafting bag can turn 8 pickups of any type into an item, allowing the player to plausibly craft any item in the entire game.

You see, Tainted Cain is the ultimate min-maxer.

And the way that he’s been treated allows me to perfectly illustrate my point regarding how the devs feeling about min-maxing nowadays.

When I first heard about this character, I was honestly pumped to play as him. His ability to let the players create the item they want and craft themselves an extremely broken run seemed really cool and like the ultimate incarnation of the spirit of the game. With the help of the list of craftable recipes, and a bit of luck to get the pickups they need, the player now had the ability to get their favourite items every run and ascend to unthinkable levels of power!

First, on a previous patch, Tainted Cain lost the universal crafting list. From that moment onwards, every crafting recipe was randomly generated per seed, meaning that the player had no hope of actually learning useful recipes and applying that knowledge in the future, but rather was forced to rely on external tools in order to plan ahead and create a strategy. Something else also changed in that patch: Higher quality pickups now correlated with higher quality items. This was actually a fairly sound decision, although it made higher quality items rarer, because it rewarded the usage of higher quality pickups in the crafting bag.

But... Well, that’s not how that went.

Tainted Cain, much like the game itself, was bent and torn in the name of forcefully creating challenge, but in spite of the many attempts of the developers, he survived. Just as much less of a man than before.

This was all done with the intent to encourage the players to play without guides, or at least that’s how it appears. Since better drops were made more consistent thanks to the pickup quality rule and the special room drops, and since recipes were now randomised per seed, the devs wanted to get the players to simply pick whatever in their crafting bag and hope for the best. Or at least that’s what it seems they were going for, but in practice they ended up forcing players to use guides in order to know what items they could make on every seed, because people play Tainted Cain in order to get busted powerful runs and not in order to settle with whatever they happen to get like Every Other Character In The Game. By reducing Tainted Cain’s consistency, they forced him into more exploitative playstyles that made use of certain game mechanics in quite possibly unintended ways, while not changing anything about the power level of the character itself, just making him more reliant on external guides.

They also added one final thing: The “special drop” mechanic. Certain rooms (like secret rooms, curse rooms, or devil rooms) were now associated with certain types of heart pickups. This meant that if you, for example, salvaged an item pedestal located in an angel room, you would always get an eternal heart, and recipes for angel room items included eternal hearts in them.

And this mechanic brought with itself a whole new way of breaking the game: Since the player only had space for one active item (or two if they had the schoolbag passive item), this meant that crafting other active items would force them out of the inventory. On Tainted Cain, this meant that crafting an active item would immediately force the previous one to be salvaged into pickups, and these pickups would actually pull from the current room’s special drop pool. Since there were a few set recipes for items (namely, a few active items with limited and basic uses could be crafted by filling the crafting bag completely with one type of pickup, for instance giving the player a reusable bomb active item if they filled the bag with bombs), Tainted Cain then gained the ability to farm these special drops by crafting cheap and consistent active items in a certain room over and over, thereby gaining plenty of resources to then craft more useful (and quite possibly gamebreaking) items.

And now, instead of realising their mistake and playing to the character’s strengths, they attempted to nerf Tainted Cain by making it harder for him to obtain special drops! This is really, really funny to me, because it shows just how much the developers have lost sight of their game to the point where they’re nerfing the minmax and strategise character in the minmax and strategise game for being too good at minmaxing and strategising, but also because they didn’t even fix the “issue”. Since special drops are just pickups that have a special use when they’re in the crafting bag, they can (of course) be obtained through a multitude of other methods, or even as just random drops Tainted Cain can get from salvaging items elsewhere! A drop not being guaranteed doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed to not drop, but it does mean it will take quite a few tries to get it to drop. So these absolute geniuses of game design “fixed” the character that best capitalises on their own game’s strengths by making him more luck-based, less consistent, and grindier to get to actually do what he’s supposed to be doing (or, at least, what most people are playing him for).

From boss armour being added to level the playing field between players who were lucky and strategised and players who didn’t, to the alternative Greed mode (a special gamemode where the player fights waves of enemies to get money and buy items at an expanded shop) being “expanded upon” with the difficulty setting Greedier mode (which gives the player less money and more enemies, and has to be completed with all characters in order to get all Greed mode unlocks), to gamebreaking combos and items that smart and lucky players could utilise to gain the upperhand, the game clearly has looked for a bit into becoming more challenging. But not in the sense of forcing the player to strategise or think beforehand in order to break the game and win through their wit and gained power, no. The game wants to be challenging... By having difficult fights. And one of these fights is Hush.

But why would they do this? Why would they try so hard to break a character that perfectly exemplified the best their own game had to offer? What was the need for any of this?

Well, it’s that TBOI is, apparently, supposed to be challenging.

Okay, okay, this kind of forces us to question everything we previously thought about TBOI. Let’s try to reconstruct our understanding of the game by utilising the things we’ve learnt over this time about the mindset the developers have.

The Binding of Isaac is a top down rogue-like game with... heavy shoot ‘em up elements, that aims to create an experience in which, with little variation between runs, the player can test their skill against difficult bosses in high-stakes endurance battles where they must keep their senses sharp in order to avoid attacks from every angle, and... How in hell is this TBOI????

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???

Like, okay, okay, okay. I like shoot ‘em ups, right? I’m a big fan of the Touhou Project and I practically grew up on Undertale (yeah, I’m one of Those Kids), and I’m not that good at them but I still find enjoyment in playing them and getting better!

But that just... Isn’t what Isaac has been trying to achieve all this time? Like, the BASIC FOUNDATION of the game, the concept of gambling and minmaxing for better items and resources in order to be able to make the most of what’s available to the player and destroy enemies with their immense power goes completely AGAINST something like boss armour even existing. Like, why would you reduce the impact of good items in battle? To make the battles more into a test of the player’s bullet dodging skill? But Isaac isn’t skill-based! It’s luck and knowledge based! The fun in this game is supposed to be derived from being smart enough to devise a plan to break it, and then lucky enough to actually be able to go through with it! That’s antithetical to the game’s basic design! And not only that, but shmup design is also antithetical to Isaac’s! If ZUN made it so that in the next Touhou game your character had a limited range and low damage and speed but you could randomly get items through defeating bosses in order to make up for those faults (if you were fortunate enough to get the ones you actually needed), people would look at him like he was crazy! Bullet hells, tests of meticulous moment to moment skill, NEED consistency, because if you add random variables that affect how the player can interact with the world and also affect each other, you’re not going to have a consistent experience no matter how much you try to balance these effects out! Some people will just be stuck in situations that will make them unable to damage certain bosses or kill the enemies they summon as fast as required, but the game just ignores that because it also adds a mechanic which makes lucky and knowledgeable players get less use out of their luck and knowledge, just to make it fair to the others! Isaac encourages the player to understand it, but then turns the player’s understanding into what almost seems to be a requirement in order to even make the slow, tanky bosses that the game calls “tests of skill” passable! And don’t even get me started on the bullet patterns these bosses actually have! Their hitboxes aren’t even clear because Isaac bullet hitboxes were (obviously) not designed for needle bullet hell precision, but even leaving that aside they look like an Undertale fan’s AU fever dream. Like, who thought that it would be a good idea to make a bullet pattern where the INTENDED SOLUTION is requiring the player to stand still and wait until the attack is over, leaving themselves open to WHATEVER THE HELL THE BOSS WANTS TO DO RIGHT AFTER?

But, oh well. The bullet patterns did get better in some Repentance bosses, for whatever that’s worth (even though some of them are still fairly unintuitive, particularly one a boss does which references an item that you can only unlock by beating every boss including that one with one of the hardest characters in the game, and is not intuitive at all to dodge otherwise), and they manage to make decently fun to fight bosses (mother being one of my favourites in the entire game), even though they are kind of making bosses for an entirely different videogame that has nothing to do with the one we’ve been playing up until this point and often finds itself at odds with that one.

I would’ve talked about The Lost and his tainted counterpart more (two characters who’s entire gimmick is basically “don’t get hit), because I quite like them in concept but feel they also illustrate my point quite well, however I didn’t find the space to do so before, so let me just fit it here: While I often like no-hit characters in games, The Binding of Isaac is just not the game for them. No matter how much Hush and Mother and Dogma try to be no-hittable, the game’s basic battle design that most combats in the game use does not accomodate for characters like them existing at all, because if you get unlucky and don’t have enough damage or good enough items to kill clutters fast enough in some rooms chasers literally just murder you (and that’s leaving aside some rooms that feel almost deliberately impossible to no-hit). Just like Tainted Cain illustrates how the game tries so hard to stop being what it is, these two demonstrate how the game tries so hard to be something it isn’t, being presented as the ultimate challenge characters for a game that wasn’t ever meant to be played hitless in the first place. The Binding of Isaac tries really hard to paint itself as a fair and balanced game based on player skill and not luck or gamebreak knowledge, but that doesn’t work when the bases your game is built on are exactly the things you want to not be, and the way the game actively tries to avoid itself in order to become something else feels strange as hell to me...

It’s almost like Edmund wanted to release DLCs for one of his most successful games but didn’t know where to push it next so he just decided to push it off a cliff and onto an entirely different genre for no other reason than a need to add more Content. If The Binding of Isaac stayed as what Rebirth gave us and the ideas that were put into the other DLCs were utilised for another completely different game built from the ground up to be a shoot ‘em up that tests the player’s skill in a consistent environment that not only lets them beat hard bosses but builds itself around making it fun to do so, maybe we could’ve gotten two good games instead of one bad one. But I’m not Edmund, and I don’t get to decide what he makes, and he decided to make this.

But, oh well. Maybe this is all a big misunderstanding on my part. I mean, it could have been that this was Edmund’s vision from the start! He wanted to create a shmup with rogue-like elements, but didn’t know what made shmups good and went a bit too hard on the rogue-like, and so he ended up creating a rogue-like action game with a heavy component of strategy and no shmup elements to be seen besides a few tangential comparisons. I mean, it’s not like he’s changed his mind halfway through developing a franchise before, especially not this one!

The Binding of Isaac is a game that actively fights against itself, presenting gameplay ideas that contradict themselves when you progress more and more into the unknown depths below Isaac’s home, and tries really hard all of a sudden to become a skill-based shmup when it simply is not. It’s okay to be luck based, it’s okay to be simple and it’s okay to be easy. Not everything has to be a hardcore game that people will play for hours and hours in order to conquer and completely master in order to be good. But when you take a casual game that very clearly is not that, and you stretch it into, as the steam page says, 500+ hours of Content, you get a lackluster game that tries to balance two different ideas by putting them in a blender and mixing them carelessly, and then has to be botched and reworked and changed and have 3 DLCs released for it in order to be in line with what you wanted to create. The Binding of Isaac, as we will soon see is one of the things this game tends to do, had to pick a side, but in the heat of the moment just refused to do so and came up with an excuse as to why it didn’t. The Binding of Isaac has to be challenging, getting 100% has to be hard, even if that means it doesn’t have to be fun. And when the game manages to convince itself of this lie, it mangles itself into a form completely different to what it was built to be. Challenge in the name of challenge is prioritised over fun in a game that’s strong because it’s fast, bite sized, casual fun, just because the devs said so. And that’s how The Binding of Isaac breaks itself: by misunderstanding what made it work in the first place.

Chasers and clutters are just a made up concept, a thing I invented to make the game easier to understand and explain, but it looks like they explained the game wrong. Or at least, that’s what the developers seem to think, and that’s why bosses in the latest DLCs think they can get away with pretending to be Touhou.

Oh, good lord. Welp, looks like we have a lot of ground to cover when we return... Tune in next time for my discussion of this game’s story, because it has one, and it is not that great. We’ll cover everything from child abuse to religious abuse and how the game explores all these topics: Poorly! We’ll talk about how the game misutilises its own tools and symbolism in order to make the simplest narrative ever as convoluted as possible, and finally get to the bottom of why I am so mad about a story that should, on the surface, be the most “me” thing ever.

Hey, hold on. I’m getting a phone call from the voices in my head.

...What’s that?

...Demonic Isaac?

...Mom is a good guy?

...THAT’S THE FINAL ENDING?

But that’s all I had to discuss for this part. This has been SerenaOculis, tune in next time for more insane ramblings, and until then: See you guys on the next post.

#video essay esque thing i'll never make?#long post #game design #tboi and why everything about it pisses me off

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the-firebird69 · 9 months ago

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Top 5 Kills In The Lord Of The Rings

youtube

The one of the gate is Stefan his head is on the body of frodo. And these guys do that kind of thing most of you guys do though and he is not given lines he's saying it to you and people are giving him sight no he's got radar and he's plugged in and they're doing it because their creatures and he says he hates them so here's how we see and he can see them and it looks very weird his body is Lord sword and Lord sauron and that is my husband's character and he is controlling the body remotely and the max they want to see if there's signal and where it comes from and who's doing it and how it's done and if it's us if there is some kind of antimatter signal and stuff like that they say it all the time and they're trying to apply something to it when there's really nothing to apply so that's what they're doing it for and they're horrifying people with their experiments but we are controlling the island by doing it and it's coming up pretty quick and mom doesn't want to be bossed over by him and he says it won't be you it's going to be my niece and she says okay and really we do things that you want us to do and she says I've seen the movie and just fly around getting rid of people and we need that and it is going on like that there's a couple other things in the movie she says she kills him and really the body is just shriveled up and it is expended but it regains strength pretty quickly if people drop blood on it and it's so magical being body but not with Trump on it so that's one part of what's happening and they follow smog and he goes to New Zealand and disappears and shrinks it takes him a while to find him and I think that JC has left and it is an amazing story what really actually happens I'm is going to blow your socks off is a lot stranger than people think and gross as well moving forwards we have events going on here tonight and they want to announce them and so do we one of them is we have a huge huge group of morlock trying to get in at the two land bridges and a huge one trying to get in from Brazil and the islands and the giant one coming on a flotilla and the pseudo empire has to work cut out for them they're going to have a war here. Additionally

-there are some people who are getting removed and forcibly and it's really to stop them from running the war from inside and to get removed quite a bit but they're planning on trying to hold them and to move them around and that is what Cool hand Luke is . They do a few more things

-they're promising to ban people from here I'm trying to do it and they have an offensive

-up there in westborough and Timmy Doyle is up there and he is under fire and under fire a lot. He's getting attacked is getting attacked by large groups and it's going on now he's getting attacked by air and by space and he called his people in and he is going to war and he thinks the gauntlet is the property of JC and his close, is gold plated now it's solid gold and it's really hard it's near pure and the rest of these suit of armor is in Higgins armory no it was there though it was big and it was my husband's. A little bit different physique now there's a bunch of people looking at it no they're looking at what was there there's a huge number of people fighting to look at it a couple of things happening here

-there are a few people who do not understand what we're doing and they're evil and they need to be removed

+and the battle up there in Massachusetts is getting gigantic there's a lot of ships untold 100 million chips are out that we're going after me and they're saying it too the same they say the fleet was down to about 7 billion and now 6.9 billion and the more like you're trying to get to Massachusetts and the space battle is going to ensue momentarily and they probably will try breaking more away my husband says we have to be ready for a major group and they're getting ready several other things

-they are building up a large Force within Charlotte county and our dangerous to my husband and it needs to be moving or disbanded and they're working on it right now

more shortly

Hera Zues

Olympus

#Youtube

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nauticalmyles · 10 months ago

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January 23, 2024

Pokemon Sleep

Got a new Growlithe that had better subskills than my old one.

I remember I changed the graphics to low and fps to 30 when I first tried the game because I wanted to lighten its load when recording sleep. Realized I don't need to do that when I have the PoGo Plus+ so I set it back to max/60. Wow that makes such a difference. Even just cooking is so much faster, which is a weird thing to tie to fps.

Soda Dungeon 2

Forgot to put yesterday that I beat Dimension 7.

Beat Dimension 8 today. Sorta by accident too. Just put them on a grinding run and when I checked back they defeated the dungeon boss.

Slice & Dice

Starting to get pretty good at getting to the last boss on normal runs.

It's very much a game that is "the only health that matters is your last one." If no one is dying this turn then just reroll to go all out offensive.

Poison has been king for a lot of runs too. One in particular I got an optional blessing that gave all allies and enemies 1 poison at the start of a battle. Luckily that was a custom mode run and I had 2 healers and 2 defenders so cleanse was readily available.

Crazy combo 1: Put duel on the 10 damage death skill. Did 20 damage + res from a healer + redo skill available but won the fight before use.

Crazy combo 2: Triple shuriken on Venom + an Artificer. Venom gave a crazy amount of poison with the single uses and the left skill ended up doing 20 on the dragon.

Spoilers for Percy Jackson below.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians

Episode 7 - We Find Out the Truth, Sort of

Percy and friends go through a bed salesman to get to the underworld. Charon stops them and calls Cerberus on them. Grover gets eaten and Annabeth soothes Cerberus. Grover gets spit out and they fly up over the wall. In the forest beyond the wall, Annabeth gets caught up in regrets and has to pearl out. In the desert beyond the forest Grover almost gets flung into Tartarus by his flying shoes. They discover the Master Bolt is in the bag Ares gave them. They go on to confront Hades. Turns out Hades is pretty decent and after a discussion, find he's not behind this whole thing, he just wants his hat. Then after realizing Kronos wants out, Hades does want the Bolt after all. They pearl out without Percy's mother. Ares comes to fight.

Oh also there's snippets of Percy and his mom from the past. We also get a first glimpse at Poseidon.

I really liked this episode. It's always cool how differently various media depict Hades (the place. I like to think they're all correct at the same time. Hades (the god) was pretty cool too. Simultaneously can't wait for the next episode and bummed that it'll be the end of the first season.

#NM MJ #2024-01-23 #Pokemon Sleep #Soda Dungeon 2 #Slice & Dice #Percy Jackson and the Olympians

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violetsystems · 1 year ago

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I'm cooking a 4.75 lb turkey breast for myself and maybe my cat. I am alleviated of any family holiday activities other than hanging out with my mom for a belated birthday this weekend. I cook turkey because it's a skill that I don't want to lose plus everybody loves leftovers. Hardest part is the thawing and getting the timing right. I had to pay for food service certification for that sushi job this summer that dissed me with the Karl Lagerfeld shirt on the clock then fired me. That experience was like an audition for kitchen nightmares. The sanitation certificate is pretty useful knowledge for your own home either way. It's two hours in a cold water bath per pound if you've refrigerator defrosted prior at 40 F. So Nine point five hours for it to be full defrosted give or take an hour by my clock. Not as hard as min maxing armor builds in Elden Ring. I started the volcano manor quest lines yesterday and kind of got my character up to level 129. There’s a lot of people in the Elden Ring universe who aren’t big fans of the Erdtree. I didn't realize I missed some of the Ranni quests and found the other weird underground city. The inverted castle mechanic is pretty cool. Straight out of Castlevania. You get a fair amount of larval tears down in the second city. Enough to respec generously if you need to. I've also been playing solo without a great rune and minimal spirit ashes so I'm now understanding just why all the mini bosses seemed impossible. You learn a lot through trial and error. How shield grease is pretty much the shit when it comes to blocking monsters that take up an entire arena. Everything has a trick to it. My biggest boss battle today will probably be the turkey. Though I may stop to take down the putrid tree spirit on my downtime.

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tomorrowedblog · 1 year ago

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Friday Releases for September 29

Friday is the busiest day of the week for new releases, so we've decided to collect them all in one place. Friday Releases for September 29 include The Creator, Gen V, We Buy Diabetic Test Strips, and more.

The Creator

The Creator, the new movie from Gareth Edwards, is out today.

Amidst a future war between the human race and the forces of artificial intelligence, Joshua (Washington), a hardened ex-special forces agent grieving the disappearance of his wife (Chan), is recruited to hunt down and kill the Creator, the elusive architect of advanced AI who has developed a mysterious weapon with the power to end the war… and mankind itself. Joshua and his team of elite operatives journey across enemy lines, into the dark heart of AI-occupied territory… only to discover the world-ending weapon he’s been instructed to destroy is an AI in the form of a young child.

Saw X

Saw X, the new movie from Kevin Greutert, is out today.

John Kramer (Tobin Bell) is back. The most disturbing installment of the SAW franchise yet explores the untold chapter of Jigsaw’s most personal game. Set between the events of SAW I and II, a sick and desperate John travels to Mexico for a risky and experimental medical procedure in hopes of a miracle cure for his cancer – only to discover the entire operation is a scam to defraud the most vulnerable. Armed with a newfound purpose, the infamous serial killer returns to his work, turning the tables on the con artists in his signature visceral way through devious, deranged, and ingenious traps.

Deliver Us

Deliver Us, the new movie from Cru Ennis and Lee Roy Kunz, is out today.

When a nun in a remote convent claims immaculate conception, the Vatican sends a team of priests to investigate. Concerns grow that an ancient prophecy is about to be fulfilled: that a woman will give birth to twin boys - one the Messiah, the other the Anti-Christ - and the ensuing battle will determine the fate of the world.

Flora and Son

Flora and Son, the new movie from John Carney, is out today.

Single mom Flora (Eve Hewson) is at a loss about what to do with her rebellious teenage son, Max (Orén Kinlan). Encouraged by the police to find Max a hobby, Flora tries to occupy him with a beat-up acoustic guitar. With the help of a washed-up LA musician (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), Flora and Max discover the transformative power of music.

Heist 88

Heist 88, the new movie from Menhaj Huda, is out today.

A criminal mastermind (Courtney B. Vance) decides to pull one last job before going to prison and recruits a group of young bank employees to steal $80 million dollars in a daring and brazen assault on the U.S. banking system.

The Kill Room

The Kill Room, the new movie from Nicol Paone, is out today.

The Kill Room is a dark comedic thriller follows an art dealer (Uma Thurman) who teams with a hitman (Joe Manganiello) and his boss (Samuel L. Jackson) for a money laundering scheme that accidentally turns the hitman into an overnight Avant-Garde sensation, forcing the dealer to play the art world against the underworld.

Nowhere

Nowhere, the new movie from Albert Pintó, is out today.

Pregnant, alone and drifting in the sea, a woman trapped in a shipping container tries to survive after fleeing a devastated totalitarian country.

Gen V

Gen V, the new TV series from Craig Rosenberg, Evan Goldberg, and Eric Kripke, is out today.

Set in the diabolical world of The Boys, Gen V expands the universe to Godolkin University, the prestigious superhero-only college where students train to be the next generation of heroes. Beyond the typical college chaos of finding oneself and partying, these kids are facing explosive situations… literally.

COCOON

COCOON, the new game from Geometric Interactive and Annapurna Interactive, is out today.

From Jeppe Carlsen, the lead gameplay designer of LIMBO and INSIDE — COCOON takes you on an adventure across worlds within worlds. Master world-leaping mechanics and solve intricate puzzles to unravel a cosmic mystery.

We Buy Diabetic Test Strips

We Buy Diabetic Test Strips, the new album from Armand Hammer, is out today.

#Games #Movies #TV #Music #News

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floripire · 1 year ago

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🎮the life and time of floribeth dalisay

aka flori's life if her life was a video game you could play* (*stylistically and narratively, think about horizon zero dawn, the lis games, dragon age and senua's sacrifice; the game would be 18 to 21+ due to mature themes)

the prologue doubles as a tutorial: it starts with a voice over, narrating flori's life and upbringing as well as hacking triad industries. this portion of the game is in first person pov (almost as if you are flori). after succesfully hacking triad industries (which is a gentle puzzle/brain teaser like all the hacking parts of the game) there is a small cutscene in which flori's phone lights up: it's an invite from sue carson.

part 1 has you steer flori like you'd steer aloy and max and senua. after you've put on your nicest dress, you can walk around your bedroom, as well as walk around the house and outside. you're able to interact with people like flori's mom and dad too. once outside, you are able to walk everywhere as this game is an open world one (albeit with a linear-ish story). at one point, though, you'll end up at the maple hollows graveyard where you meet derek machado, standing over paige billingsley's grave. this triggers the first interaction with choices. after you've talked with derek, he attacks flori (you) and flori (you) die with blood in her/your system. derek vanishes and you're headed into your first timed event: the transformation takes and flori wakes up in a shallow grave. you only have so much time to get her out of there before it's game over.

part 2 introduces the hunger bar. it starts with a regular mouth but it changes from a closed mouth to open mouthed and fangs ala this. there is a small cutscene in which flori makes it to the carson residence and has interactions with doug (her ex) before she goes to clean up. from there on out, it's time for your first (mini) boss battle as sue gets a deep paper cut and flori battles her thirst (but ultimately kills sue).

part 3 starts with a cutscene where flori finds her parents dead and her house turned over. the game then transitions from that cutscene to the (explorable) salvatore boarding school where flori meets the anti squad. emma tig gives flori (and the anti squad) missions / quests to complete, some of which take place in the town itself and at mystic falls high school (where you'll need to hack the computers and will have to do another brain teaser/puzzle). while you're at the high school, you have the choice to tell ethan and maya about derek, or not; you must also be careful not to draw attention to yourself; the hunger bar comes back into play here. the collectibles are bits and pieces of research on eastern vampires (vetala's, peymakilr's, asema's, aswangs, jiangshi's, riri yaka's etc.) and malivore, the dark dimension and such. in this part, you're also able to romance and flirt with several people, including jed; you are also able to feed off of them, if they let you. you are not beholden to just one love interest, either. the boss battle in this part is the siege of the salvatore school by triad in which you come face to face - if only for a moment - with veronica greasley.

part 4 has the player find out that flori's mother was selena harman and that flori's actually descended from a strong bloodline of witches. this part of the game digs deeper into the lives of the students and the life of flori too. the player finds out more about triad industries, and derek and finds out that to him, flori is but a link in the chain. derek is working together with triad, and with doug, joe and tami now, too, which the player finds out only after flori's being sent to maple hollows which is one of the final missions / quests of the game (either with or without jed and his sisters, depending on flori's relationship with him). the boss battle takes place within flori's mind after she gets subjected to a reverse headdive. the game ends with flori surviving the headdive and graduating from the salvatore boarding school with her friends and love interest(s), intending to make her way to chance harbor, where her mom used to live.

there are several endings: the good ending is flori living her best life with the li of your choice and the anti squad. the bad ending is her either getting captured by triad or her dying at derek's or the hunter trio's hands. there are also dlc's that build the world up some more including one that deals with no humanity floribeth and another one that takes the player into the night world, proper.

tagged by: no one, i just made this up tagging: you

#long post /#ooc.

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thatyamiguy-blog · 2 years ago

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Mommies little wimp (Ben 10)

It was a summer of action and adventures, and the Tennyson family battled monsters, aliens and villains and saved the world more then once. using a combination of experience, magic and a alien device to turn into aliens it was a summer that would never be forgotten. But this story isn't about the Tennyson's who went on that wild summer, this story is about Ben Tennyson, who still wasn't potty trained (and honestly his mother had given up hopes he ever would be) and who due to his meekness and nature as a world class scardy cat, had elected to stay with mommy and daddy, though mostly close to his mom. with a layer of chub that made him look like a over sized toddler from a lack of exercise and being spoiled with lots of treats from his mom, and sporting a shorter version of anther Ben's trademark white and black shirt..this Ben was rocking thick white and black diapers that were custom made because of how often the little wuss was going. This little wuss had just waved off Gwen and Gramps and then went back to watching paw patrol.

On the same day when Gwen would be using her magic and Max would be going four arms to fight off Hex and Charmcaster, Ben was being woken up in his room/nursery by his mom and sitting up in his race car bed, Yawning loudly and his paw patrol PJ top lift up as he stretched his arms. "Did you have a good sleep sweetie?" She asked, reaching over and turning off his baby monitor, having already unplugged the 3 night lights he used every night. "Yeah! I had a dream I was a pretty princess playing with puppies and this dragon came up but he was all scared and just wanted hugs so I gave them to him" Ben giggled, tossing his Superhero squad blanket back and getting a whiff from his ripe diaper, bloated around his hips and with more then tinkle. "Ewww! stinky!" Ben said, holding his nose but giggling, again reinforcing the image his mother had of him that he might technically be 10..but he was clearly 2..maybe 3 in all the ways it counted. "heh, it's not that bad. You've done worse. wanna waddle over to your changing table or want mommy to carry you?" His mom asked, already knowing what he'd pick but she liked to give him a choice now and then with little things. (it didn't help his wusseness that his mom was VERY over protective of Ben, to the point of homeschooling him because she didn't want the bullies at school to tease him) As expected Ben giggled and held out his arms and She picked him up, a hand going under his squishy butt and making him giggle and patting his back as she carried him over. He thought the fact he like to squish in his stinky diapers was a big secret from everyone but both his parents knew it and so did anyone brave enough to babysit him. (not that his mom trusted Ben with anyone outside of the family, and even then, NOT Gwen after she had reduced Ben to tears and given him nightmares for a week by singing the itsy bitsy spider.) Gently setting him down, she handed him Officer bear, one of his favorite stuffies (She had toyed with getting him a sumo slammer stuffie till she watched the show and deemed it too scary for Ben, and Ben who took momma's word as law agreed despite never watching it) "Can I have a paci please mommy?" Ben asked, batting his eyes like he was asking for a ice cream treat for breakfast and just making her gush at how sweet and cute he was. "Of course you can! what color little man?" She coo'd, tickling his tummy and pulling open the drawer with the pacifiers. "Ummm You pick! they taste better then you do!" Ben coo'ed Kicking his legs a little. His mom smirked at that, but he was the 'boss' so to speak and pulled out a baby blue one, popping it in his eager mouth and he suckled away while holding his teddy above him, mumbling around the paci to his bear. One stinky diaper clean up later, and the 'treasure' dropped into Ben's diaper pail (which had been labeled Ben's Treasure chest) and she had him off of the changing table and tugged off his PJ top. Taking his hand and leading the way, the made their way to the dinning room so Benny could have num nums. (his bedroom was on the ground floor because Ben was scared of heights and claimed to get dizzy when he was on the second floor) There was no point in dressing him till he ate, and they only changed his diaper because the aroma from his huggies affected how breakfast tasted. His daddy was already at work and so it would be just Ben and mommy all day, something he preferred if he was being honest though he did like playing with daddy, sometimes he was too rough. Helped up into his custom high chair and strapped in, Ben kicked his legs and sucked on his paci as his mom went and brought in a big bowl of oatmeal, with little bits of different cookies crumbled and spread all over and a large baby bottle of milk. She had left the choice of baby bottles or sippy cups up to Ben, but they both knew normal cups were out of the question and after trying both he'd settled for the baby bottles because the nipples were better then the hard plastic. Tugging the paci out of his mouth his mom smiled and got a bib tried around his neck, white with multiple colored baby blocks spelling out 'mommy's widdle boy' on it. "So does Benny wanna try and feed himself today, or want me to feed him again?" His mom asked, coo'ing and a hand on a chair to pull it over having a feeling on the answer again. "Uhh Mommy, are you feeling ok?" Ben asked, raising a eyebrow. "Of course I want you to feed me! You make it taste like.. a zillion times better! a zillion plus TWO!" Ben said and held up three fingers to illistate his point, numbers wasn't his strong suit. His mom just smirked and pulled the chair over, sitting down and then getting a bigggg spoon full of the nummies ready. "Open wide~" she coo'ed, moving the spoon in and Ben giggled and did as he was told, then as the spoon went in he closed his mouth around it and and mmmhmed as he nom'ed away. "So i was thinking Benny, do you wanna go down the the park today?" He mom asked, still feeding him. Like all her other questions she knew the answer and maybe this was a little bit mean of her to ask, but she couldn't help it, the look of fear on his face mid bite and then the loud muffled poot was just TOO adorable! with his cheeks puffed out with oatmeal baby Ben shook his head no and shut his eyes, shuddering and more poots followed as he seemed to get slightly taller in the high chair and a familiar smell filled the room. "Benny, did you go boom boom?" She asked in a loving voice, setting the spoon down and stoking his hair. Ben swallowed the nummies in his mouth and then then nodded. "Of course I did! Mommy! you know how scary the p-p-park is!" He whined, a hissing sound hear and more muffled poots, though he didn't get any taller this time from a mess. "oh, it must of slipped my mind. Mommies can be SO silly sometimes!" She said and leaned in, kissing his forehead and calming him down slowly. "Forgive mommy?" "hehe..Of course! after all, all you did was make a 'nther. " and Ben paused to blow a raspberry, getting some spittle on his mom. "Diapie that you hafa change!" he finished and giggled madly, wiggling his butt and squishing the mess all around, making it all nice and squishy and making it a nightmare to change. "heh, that's fair." Mom said, wiping her face with the sleeve of her shirt and then picking up the baby bottle. "Drink?" "It's like your psychic!" Ben coo'ed and opened his mouth, then wrapping his lips around the nipple and sucking eagerly, eyes closing, then going wide and pulling back, making a icky face and shuddering as he pooted. "Mommy! that's not strawberry! It's normal milk! too spicy!" Ben huffed. His mother giggled at that, only BEN would find plain 2 percent white milk spicy, and again it had been one of her meaner moments. "Ohhh did I forget to add the syrup again? I'm sorry buddy!" She said, though anyone with half a brain would hear she didn't mean it. Naturally Ben brought it hook line and stinker. "-sigh- it's ok mommy, please go and fix it..and just so you know, i'ma have the FARTS t'day now!" He warned. 'how is that different from any other day?' his mom thought, but then said out loud. "it's ok buddy. I know it's my fault. sit tight and don't go anywhere." She coo'ed making Ben giggle. "Mommy, I'm in a high chair, where am I gonna go? to the moon?" he laughed then thought about being up in space and well, got a little taller. "MOMMMMYYYY!" Ben wailed.

After finishing off his breakfast and getting a much needed diaper change, Ben was dressed in his trademark diapers and t-shirt and socks, having decided to stay inside for a bit after scaring himself silly during breakfast. So scared was Ben that he refused to just sit on the couch or on the floor, he either wanted mommy to sit down with him so he could sit in her lap and be protected or he wanted what he called his fortress. Said fortress was a larger then normal playpen that Ben and mommy had fallen in love with then they had seen it while out shopping (Daddy had been taken back by the price tag but with his wife and son saying please over and over again he'd caved) it wasn't set up all the time as some days Benny would lay on his tummy and color in hello kitty or paw patrol books on the floor or lay on the couch for a nap or even again sit in mommies lap but today, she was gonna be busy cleaning. Getting the playpen set up in the right spot could be tricky as well, as it had to be in a spot where Ben could somewhat try and keep a eye out for her in case he got lonely, It also had to be within view of the TV where his mom would have it streaming episodes of Paw patrol, Hello Kitty, Bob the builder but after the diaper blowout from a few weeks ago harry and his bucket full of dinosaurs was cut out. The final challenge for setting it up was the fact it had to be in a spot with just enough light where Ben wouldn't get scared, but not TOO much light or it would make shadows and again, scare him. Hoping she'd found the sweet spot Ben's mom helped the oversized toddler into the playpen, mentally joking that with him being a little butter ball she didn't have to worry about going to the gym, and then handed him in his teddy from before, some soft baby blocks to play with, a pack of non toxic crayon's and a Sesame street coloring book that had any pages with a monster on it ripped out (So had maybe 3 pages) and then a fresh ba-ba. "Please tell me you got it right this time." Ben said, farting loudly to get his point across. "Yes sir, I used extra syrup!" His mom said, holding the bottle out for him and he started to take it, then smiled. flipping the bottle around in her hand, he got on his knees and drank from it while she was leaning over the playpen. She wanted to complain that she had things to do, but damn it if he wasn't just too darn cute. Still after he got it half drained she had to speak up. "Benny sweetie, I need to go and start cleaning, can you show me what a good little boy you are and hold your own ba-ba?" She asked. Ben paused from his suckling and pulled off, giving a huff and a eye roll like he had all of the worlds worst problems, but then took the bottle from her. "I 'pose." He said, plopping on butt and apparently hitting some sort of trigger as he let out a MASSIVE belch and even blew his mom's hair back a little from the force of it. of course while most boys Ben's age or even the age he acted would of been giggling or all proud, the burp had a different effect on our little wuss. His eyes shot wide then he cried out 'mommy!' as a massive poot followed and the back of his diaper got a wave of mush in the back of it. "Shhh, it's ok Benny. I'm right here." She coo'ed, leaning back down and then tugging the back of his diaper open and checking. For a normal baby it would of been full enough for a change but with Ben being such a super duper pooper it wasn't all that bad. "I think your diapie can handle some more. Just color me a pretty picture and watch your cartoons." She coo'ed and then ruffled his hair and turned the tv on. "O-Ok mommy." Ben mewed.

for the next half hour or so all was calm in the Tennyson household was mostly quiet, save for Ben talking alone with his TV show's and a burp or fart here and there. Cleaning the house took longer then it could of since she had to go without using any sort of cleaning equipment that ran on a motor/made noise since well, it would scare Ben, and as such they had long since switched from carpets to hardwood flooring. Still accidents could and still did happen, such as when while she was dusting by the TV she accidentally knocked cords free and Ben's show stopped right in the middle of a big dramatic moment. Despite having seen this episode multiple times, Ben's jaw dropped down and his eyes went wide, sure that it meant that his beloved hero's had just bit the big one and gone up to the dog park in the sky. "NOO! CHASE! RUBBLE! ROCKY! ALEX!" he cried out, tears streaming down as he was up on his knee, at the edge of the play pen and looking over, massively loud and wet farts blasting out and his diaper bloating out rapidly. sweat dropping and trying not to roll her eyes, Ben's mom rushed to get everything plugged back in and as the episode came back on right from where it left off she came over and pulled him out of the playpen, hugging him and letting him watch it over her shoulder as she patted his back and squished his bottom. "Shhh shh..See? they're ok Benny." "I..I..-sniffle- I was so scared they were GONE mommy!" Ben bawled like the big baby he was. "Well there back now. it's all right. let's pause this and get you changed little man, I don't think your diapie is gonna take much more punishment." She said. she had gone from rubbing his butt to getting her arm under it to support him as he semi relaxed, not wanting to risk him falling out of her arms and as he finished filling his diaper it had both kept going under her forearm and overlapped the top pat of it, almost forming a semi seal around it. "Nooo! wanna finish and make sure their ok!" Ben whined and whimpered. "P-Please mommy?" He asked, and pushed back enough so that he could give her a pleading look with his tear stained cheeks and trembling bottom lip. "..Ok. but Mommy better hold you, don't wanna have a blow out in your fortress right?" she sighed and asked. there was only 10 minutes left anyways. "Thank you mommy! your the best mommy ever! whatever you say!" Ben coo'ed and planted and big old drooly smooch on her cheek before going back to watching. 'And Carl thinks I have it easy staying home with Benny all day.' She mused to herself.

After the show was over and one LONG diaper change later, Ben's mom decided that she would put off the rest of the cleaning till after Ben was put down for his afternoon nap. Getting a blanket on the floor she sat down with him to play whatever he wanted, and wasn't shocked when it turned out to be paw patrol, with her as Alex and Ben as the doggies. Thankfully she had watched the show with him or heard enough of it in passing to play along with ease and they went that way for at least a hour before Ben's tummy was growling loudly. "Uh-oh, I think somebody needs some more fuel for his little present maker!" She teased, tapping a finger on his tummy. "What do you think kiddo?" Ben, who due to his constant diaper filling and well, being trained for lack of a better word to eat lots hence explaining his flab, drooled and nodded. "Oh Oh! can I grilled cheese french toast sandwich?" he asked, licking his lip, having a .. odd taste in his food combo's, again coming from getting what ever his little heart desired. "oh I suppose so, But I better get you a snack while I make it for you. don't want you wasting away." She teased, helping Ben up and then holding his hand as they to get him into his highchair. Strapped in nice and safe and in just his diapers and socks, Ben used his fingers to snack on a bowl of vanilla and chocolate pudding mixed together as his mom started cooking for him, and of course he had a fresh ba-ba of strawberry milk on the tray for him to drink. and naturally, by the time his sandwich's were done (She knew that he would want more then one and thus had made 3) at least half of the pudding was on his face,body and hair, Ben having just finished drawing a smiley face on his tummy and grinning like a goof. "Look! I made you a picture!" he coo'ed, all proud. "heh, VERY pretty but I don't think I can hang it on the fridge." She giggled and set the plate down with his food cut up and cooled and smooched his forehead. "Why not!?" Ben huffed and pouted, then it clicked and he giggled sheepishly. "Oh yeah. never mind!" "heh, see? I know my little guy would figure it out!"

After lunch Ben clearly needed a bath, but since it had been awhile since his last poop filled diaper his mom wasn't eager to just sit him in the tub and have him 'launch torpedo's' as Ben called it. At the urging of her husband she semi toyed with trying to potty train Ben even though everyone knew it was hopeless, and by try that meant that they had a training potty in Ben's size that he could sit on while unloading in his diapers to get used to sitting on the potty and going. Baby steps after all was the way to go. Ben thought it was a waste of his time plush he thought the potty kinda looked like a monster, though when he'd expressed this fear to his dad he'd been told to show a little back bone for a change. still, it was with a trembling bottom lip that Ben planted his diapered butt down on the light blue training potty, closing his eyes and slipping his food stained thumb in his mouth and sucking on it lots as mommy started the tub running. The sound of the water running did help the wuss relax as he always like the white noise and well, when your a chubby 10 year old diaper wimp relaxing can only lead to one thing. a loud fart shot out of Ben's butt, the Potty making it semi echo and the noise scared Ben, his eyes popping open even as his fear made him fire out more poop and farts in a viscous circle. His diaper was swelling up but in a odd twist of fate unlike how it normally happened, with it just going around the potty chair, today some of it went in and expanded in there. "Ah! mommy!" Ben cried out,whimpering and tearing up. "The potty is roaring at me!" "Heh, Benny it's just your far-" his mom started, turning and looking. Ben went to get up to turn and point to the potty, but with his diaper having gone in and expanded on the inside, it stayed latched on and his eyes went wide as saucers. "IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME! MOMMY HELP!" He screamed falling down on all fours and crawling around in circles, shaking his butt and trying to get the potty to dislodge as his mother watched on in amusement. 'I should be filming this, I'd win America's funniest home videos for sure.' She thought with a mental snort. walking over and kneeling down, she used one arm to grab Ben around the belly and then with free hand she yanked hard on the potty, pulling it free from his stinky butt. "Shhh there there, I-" she started, but Ben cut her off and squirmed around, turning around and on his knees hugging her and smothering her with kisses as he bawled, bawling out thank you's and gushing about how much he loved his monster slayer mommy. '..I really should tell him it wasn't a monster..but what the heck...' she thought and returned the hug, knowing she'd have to change her shirt after this. "Heh, that's me, Professional monster slayer, diaper changer and chef supreme." she coo'ed as Ben sobbed and nodded.

Bath time was more tricky then normal, since after being so scared and pooping so much, Ben was worn out and kept semi conking out and his mom had to stay on him and keep him from trying to curl up in the warm water. add onto that with him so sleepy it was a fight to get him to raise his arms and the like and it took longer then normal but at least it was worth it as she soon had a fresh and clean little guy. cradling him in her arms he was Basically asleep before she even got him to his room and diapered, it was clearly nap time. Not bothering with PJ's for the nap (it would of been next to impossible to get him in them with him this conked out) she tucked him into his toddler bed and planted a smooch on his forehead before handing him one of his stuffies, watching him snuggle into it and smile, a thumb popping into his mouth. lightly tugging the thumb out she replaced it with a paci then after making sure that the baby monitor was on and drawing his curtains shut, tiptoed out of the room. Ben just suckled on his paci, hugged his teddy and to the shock of no one who knew him, was filling the room with farts seconds later.

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lgcmax · 4 years ago

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𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐎 : tell your parents you’re a failure.

max presses search. it takes him to some bogus article about accepting your flaws and how to let your parents hear your point of view from a fresh perspective

but you aren’t getting the point, max complains as he closes the tab. they don’t listen.

as far as his parents are concerned, there’s a 3-step track to success. respect your parents, go to college, and get a good job. well, there were flaws in all those if you asked him. first off - his mom commanded respect, which made the idea seem a lot less like a conscious choice and more so a compulsive obligation. second, he hated every minute he spent in college, and it had only held him back when practicing as a trainee. third of all, max knew more people with stable jobs who weren’t happy than who were, and he's definitely a passion over profit type of guy.

so why was he breaking his back to attend class when it was only bringing him down ?

max looks down at the list in front of him. there, in messy handwriting and in bullet points laid a list titled -

why i need to leave college before i make my brain explode and i can’t rap anymore.

i have to walk to school

it makes me tired during practice

mom will want me to stop being a rapper

dad will want me to be a business guy like him

i hate school

i have no college friends

i hate going to class

i sleep in class

i hate school ( again )

mom will want me to stop being a rapper ( again )

the idea of growing old, wearing a suit, and making people who weren’t as wealthy as him feel bad about himself made him feel sick. he wanted power, but ... a different kind. the better kind. the power to say “ jump ” and have the crowd ask “ how high, ” to have his intro play and make the crowd go wild, to forever imprint the entertainment industry with the name max choi. but there’s just one problem. max looks to the other list he’s created.

why i can’t leave college before i make my brain explode and i can’t rap anymore.

mom and dad

well really, his mother. he knows his dad took a gap year before starting university, which is something his mom hated for him to mention, despite being the truth. his mom had pushed him since birth to attend a school in the ivy league, and had irreversibly disappointed her when news of him moving to korea broke. fine then, plan b - attend one of the sky schools, the holy trinity of korean universities. max had opted out for a more local, and less competitive option. if it seemed he couldn’t make it any worse, being alone in a country without any guidance meant max could flunk classes to his heart’s content, his parent’s given tuition money being the only thing truly on the line. but even his dad, far less restrictive than his mother, put a certain emphasis on school for the social and economic status it “ inevitably ” gave you, in his words. moral of the story ? dropping out wasn’t an option.

well if that was the case, it seems max has once again danced to the beat of his very own, rebellious drum. because above the two lists lied another paper with the haunting words- acknowledgement of academic termination. in simpler terms, though ? holy shit. almost teasingly, they provided both an english and korean translation, just in case he wanted to break the news to his parents in his native tongue. how convenient. the notice acknowledged his decision to drop out, and informed him a notice would be sent within 24 hours for tuition financial options following the leaving of the university. his parents, paying his tuition, were inevitably going to find out.

the haunting word “ mom ” glows from his screen as he swallows his nerves. before he can do anything, he presses call. it’s now or never.

“ max, didn’t you get my call earlier ? ” she asks him, already notably irritated.

“mm, i did. i couldn’t pick up though. practice. ” he answers, a hushed whisper as to prevent anyone nearby from hearing.

“ you don’t practice at this tim- ”

“ i do now, mom. i have to do more now that future dreams is - ”

“ maxwell choi, don’t you dare interrupt me when i’m speaking. why did you call ? your dad’s still at work. ” ironic. and it’s max, for the hundreth time in my life.

“ mom i ... i ... ” he expects to feel nervous, scared, sad. and then, it hits him. this is a good thing. this means more time with his friends and his girlfriend, more time to practice, to explore the world around him without any restraints. this is what he wants. the list of why versus why not is so much bigger, so why should he feel afraid ? suddenly, he feels ... defiant. the type of defiance that always makes him feel good. he grins, and speaks as if he’s told her some great secret.

“ i dropped out. ”

“ of legacy ? thank god, i told you it wouldn’t work out. those trainees are all the same, delusional and not - ”

“ no, mom. ” the light that just emerged starts to dim. “ i dropped out ... of school. ”

silence. so much silence that max feels as if he’s not even in the room.

“ ... mom ? ”

he hears her breathing.

“ maxwell choi. ” her voice sounds like an engine, revving itself up. “ you have five minutes to beg them to re-enroll you in your classes as soon as possible, or tell me this is a joke. if you think i’m kidding, i swear to god, i’ll have your card frozen and number blocked before you can blink. and i’ll do whatever it takes to get you out of that training program, too. you won’t be considered a son of mine as a dropout, i swear to god. i dare you to test me. ”

holy shit.

beep. call dropped.

max looks to his phone, which has turned black. he feels like he’s going to pass out at any minute. he wishes he could say she had overreacted, that she never would think of doing something like that. but he knows his mom, and her tone is one that oozes with sincerity and threats. the idea of her following through makes him sick.

and yet ? five, ten, fifteen agonizing minutes pass, and he doesn’t do a single thing. he’s a daredevil by nature, but this is his first act of defiance amongst his true challenge - his mother.

#( and so the tale begins :: development. )#this is likeee part 1 of th #is it's too hard to fit it all into 1 thing ok SCREE #max's mom is boss battle

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hangezoeenthusiast · 3 years ago

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God(hcs)

c!multiple x god!reader

notes: the reader will be the god of death to make it a little bit more spicy :). c!punz’s pronouns are he/they, i’m not sure about the others, but i know theirs. also why does ranboo take away my gender? /j

word count: 1,672

warnings: arson, violence, cursing, yelling, mention of death, voices in technos part, spoilers for wilbur if you haven’t watch tommy’s lore stream, revival for wilbur, making a religion, time travel, egg, prison, stealing, anarchy, playful name calling

Sapnap

so obviously y’all would be a great match :)

you have creative mode, so when sap would ask you to give him a lighter and tnt, you would GLADLY give it

also, can we talk about him being a nether hybrid

fire squared

like fires left and right, hide your mom and your children in your house lol /j

but besides the whole arson thing, you favor him above anyone else on the server

like if he asks for diamond blocks, well here’s a whole inventory of it, also, here’s some ancient debris and some netherite

if someone asked, you would probably grant them with poison and curses, just because you can’t be “unloyal” to snapchat

wouldn’t be lonely anymore

Dreamwastaken

this duo is less chaotic, but chaotic enough where people avoid you

he still asks you for stuff, but most of the time, you don’t give him it because he annoys you too much about giving stuff

“hey y/n/n, can i pretty please get some emerald blocks.”

“nope bitch, get it yourself.”

but sometimes, you grant him some op shit, when it’s your good day

“because i’m being nice, here’s some diamond, now, don’t ask me again you little piss baby.”

“shut your trap y/n.”

“or what homeless teletubby, what are you going to do to a god like me?”

“you hang out with technoblade to much.”

Georgenotfound

maybe the least chaotic duo

you guys keep on relaxing and relaxing until the point where you don’t do anything

he barely asks you for anything, but only when it’s really really important, like a house or build

especially when he was building his little cottagecore house, he needed your godly presence to help

“y/n, what should the roof be made of?”

“i suggest brick, it makes it more aestheticy if that makes any sense.”

also barely any drama or tea with you guys

never arguing and never betraying each other is a must

Tubbo

also another least chaotic duo

literally help him with his bee farm, he will (platonically) love you forever

gotta be close to ranboo, that’s the rule

gives him SO much stuff, he’s a precious boi 🙄

also gotta be close to tommy, but not as much unfortunately

you help him pick out things for builds, like what material clashes with another, etc

“do you think that the wool and the netherite blocks look good together y/n?”

“nah, what i suggest is the wool with the gold, it looks perfect.”

sometiems, gotta put him in check because he gets a little ego built up

you definitely yank his horn a little too hard because of your IMMENSE STRENGTH

“OW, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT Y/N.”

“calm down sunny, you were just getting a bit over your head a little.”

Tommyinnit

chaotic duo like sapnap

snaps at anyone who annoys you and vice versa

you give him EVERYTHING, obviously except op and creative

he tries to persuade you to do something, but dreamxd wouldn’t allow it, since he is the main boss

“come on y/n, give me op.”

“no tommy, xd will kick my ass.”

“pweaseee.”

“no.”

you would DEFINITELY help him with the Big Innit Hotel, making the whole layout and color palette.

both of you have an intense hatred for ranboo, since he “stole” tubbo away from tommy

Ranboo

least involved in everything

just stay in the tundra and drink some tea, and you’re good for all of your life

helps him get netherite all the time so your boii can get the good stuff 😬

when he mines to get diamonds, he literally prays to you

“y/n, if you’re listening, please give me a 6 vein, i desperately need it for my collection of diamond blocks.”

and THERE IT IS

more than a 6 vein actually, a 12 vein

guess he needs to pray to you more

daily tea sessions, to talk about the good stuff, and NO, and i repeat NO skipping

threatening to flick water on him check ✅

Wilbur Soot

literally you spoil him

not to be angsty, but when he died and lost his last canon life, you revived him instead of Dream

now he’s practically at your knees

like he’s thinks that he owes you, but actually that’s the opposite

he was revived because you were lonely, and wanted your best friend back :(

prays to you when he goes to bed

“hey y/n, hope you’re having a great day, (platonically) love you.”

“love you too mortal.”

sometimes, to be at the peak of godness, you shower upon wilbur as gold to symbolize blessings, like zeus did before

“omg y/n, what are you doing?”

“i’m trying to bless you, shut up bitch.”

just saying, he would make a religion about you :/

Karl Jacobs

omg don’t get me started on this

first, you wouldn’t codone him going back in time

he would definitely forget your name a lot, so that’s why you hated it

“hey karl, how are you doing?”

“i’m sorry, but do i know you?”

ANGST IS TOO MUCH FOR ME

you were definitely the one to push him towards sapnap and quackity

this is also another spoiled boi

give him the entire world while you’re at it pwease

he wants a few diamonds, nope, give him a chest full of them

Quackity

why are there so much chaotic duos in here?

literally chaos times infinity

energy to the max

literally, did you take an energy drink

grants him every wish he can randomly think off

“can i get a bucket with lava and a fish in it?”

“weird choice, but ok man.”

gotta be close to sap and karl or he isn’t your friend anymore /j

helps with las nevadas a lot, and definitely tries to rig the machines so you get money

“hey big q, i got 10,000 dollars.”

“that’s impossible... y/n, did you cheat?”

“nooo 😊”

help him preen his wings, and he goes “I LOVE YOU, MWAH MWAH.” obviously in his mind 🙄

Awesamdude

definitely helps him maintain the prison

you both love setting up red stone contraptions and pistons and all that giz

“hey sam, do you know where the redstone torches are?”

“yeah, there behind the pistons in the back.”

also you helped build the prison, since he could do that by himself

“are you sure that lava wall will work y/n, your calculations seem inaccurate.”

“i’m sure sam, this will add some more security to this goddamn server.”

nerd squared lol

BadBoyHalo

wouldn’t condone the egg

you warned him multiple times to get away from its grasp, but most of the times he’ll decline

“i won’t y/n, the egg is the future.”

he still, even after all the advancements, even after everything, he tries to ask you to join the eggpire

“come on y/n, you’ll like being with us.”

“i don’t wanna be on a stupid egg side, like let me crack the egg, i wanna eat it and turn it into a omelette.”

he doesn’t like that joke :(

but before he discovered the egg, both of you were joint at the hip

sight seeing was a must

languages being thrown around everywhere, since you were the little language muffin

Punz

steals stuff from everyone

hide your stuff, because the punzo-y/n team is unstoppable

definitely they can be really stubborn and indecisive

like one day, he will be like, “i need gold blocks.” and the next, “nevermind, i need netherite actually.”

like hon, stop switching

also anarchy buddies

burning down forests and buildings are your guys’s specialty

when you give him gold when they doesn’t ask, his heart goes brrr and his brain goes, “pog pog, they’re so cool, lets hug them.”

Technoblade

now this is the most deadly duo in the entire Dream Smp

better not piss you guys off 😐

he’s the Blood God, and you’re the God/Goddess/God being of Death

so if some occasion where you need to battle someone, like Techno’s enemies, *clears throat and murmurs Quackity*, you will obviously back your boy up :)

help him with enchanting and potions and he’s set for life

also you got have to be close to the great Philza Minecraft since him and Techno are buddy buddy

anarchy squared

helps with the voices since you have some of your own

“so what you’re saying is that i need to pay attention to them?”

“yeah, when i first learned that the voices were in my head, i tried to ignore them, but that sucked. so what i did was try to distract myself with various tasks, and that sucked.”

“so what do i do, you’re saying that i should listen to them, but how do i do that when they literally shout at me.”

“just embrace it, obviously when they do their little chant of blood for the blood god, you have to ignore them.”

“you suck at advice.”

Philza Minecraft

so since both of you resemble death, him being the Angel of Death and you being the God/Goddess/God being of Death, y’all are fucking best friends, platonic soulmates if you will

death squared

watch out, because if you piss them off, prepare to d-

gotta be close to Ranboo and Techno, and obviously others who he platonically likes

he doesn’t need to ask you for stuff, he’s the fricking Angel of Death, but he will ask you to preen his wings :D

“ow, not there y/n.”

“oh shut up grandpa, let me do it.”

“I’M NOT OLD DUMBASS.”

Dream XD

two gods at once, damn there is so much chaos

left and right, you guys are noticed by everyone, like purrrr

y’all would be in some fancy shit, to show your power

you would get jealous of him hanging out with george

“why are you jealous y/n?”

“you’re hanging out with george to much, hang out with me please :(.”

gifts are a must, even though both of you have access to creative

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unhinged-summer-fun · 3 years ago

Text

flicker

(Max Phillips x F!Reader) | 22+

Rating: Mature (no smut, but foulmouthed language)

Word Count: 7817 (it wouldn’t let me stop writing)

Summary: You’re Max’s personal assistant. He needs you for a lot of things. Wants you for more.

Warnings: pining, nonchalant mentions of murder, etc., reader gets sick for a few paragraphs but not graphically. max is a perv. <3

A/N: this is my first reader insert fic!! Hope ya like it. Also, read/kudos on AO3.

“No, mom, I’m not an indentured servant to my boss. I’m just interested in doing a good job and building my career!” You shut the door to the car with one hip and scowl at the dusty mark left behind on your skirt. Damn it. “Quit trying to talk me out of a decision I made over two months ago!”

Your mother’s tirade of a response spills out into the air, as your face-grip on your phone fails and the device clicks to the speakerphone. “—You don’t need to serve another person to feel a sense of worth, honeybun.” You know arguing with the nickname would only make things worse.

“Everyone works for someone, mom. And I work for—”

“Need a hand with that?” Speak of the devil.

Your mom continues to prattle on until you give a clipped “gotta go” and hang up. You’re frozen in that moment, arms full of grocery bags and your purse and Max’ Saturday drink order. It’s his day off, but not yours, so you get to see him dressed down, comfortable. His broad shoulders are barely contained in a worn blue college tee shirt in a language you can’t read, and low-rise jeans that probably cost more than your monthly rent payment. The sudden glint of his shiny white teeth breaks you from your reverie.

“No, sir, I’ve got it. Perhaps the door, though?”

“Sure thing, honeybun.” A sudden flood of conflicting emotions replaces a flush of instinctual irritation. Max was a pervert at the best of times, and a walking HR disaster every morning he came in. Hearing that long-hated pet name on the same lips that called you sweet thing and sugartits like they were your name should have made you feel cool indifference, but this was suddenly more personal than all that. This was what your mother called you when she wanted to butter you up to bad news.

So really, you should have watched your step a little better.

When you fall, there’s half a second of breathtaking panic, the tip of your shoe having hit a white concrete step and sending you crashing down like a battle-axe. The latter half of that second is weightless wonder, a sudden presence of muscular arms pulling you from your rendezvous with the ground and steadying you at the next step. Max had been nearly at the front door when you’d taken your first step, but had used his supernatural vampire speed to come help you when you fell.

“Alright?” He asks, his breath just a little too soft for it to be genuine concern. You can feel the barest brush of his lips on the shell of your ear, and you wonder if it was just your imagination when he pulls back, as cool as he’d been just a moment ago. Seduction is half of what he does every workday. You shouldn’t be so affected by this. You nod, unsure if any words you might say would come out moaned and breathless. Max seems to pick up on your affect with a grin made of thick molasses: slow and dark and so sweet it makes you sick to see it so close. Luckily, the next few minutes pass in a blur, setting groceries and coffee down on the kitchen island and Max’ coffee table, respectively.

As his personal assistant, your duties aren’t tied to that of the company he works for. If he needed an executive assistant, he’d have one Turned and on payroll. But no. He wanted someone to handle the tedious parts of life he still had to deal with, though his life had ended years ago. That meant getting him groceries, driving his car to get detailed, making personal appointments and sending thank-you notes, picking up and sending out dry cleaning, meeting his weed guy, retrieving expensive coffee from the vamp café in downtown, for starters. Occasionally you had to incinerate a duffel bag of bloody belongings, but cognitive dissonance and extreme discretion had been skill requirements on the job posting.

There were downsides, but none of them were to do with his personality or attitude or undead status. Sometimes his vampire cohorts would try to enchant you, threaten to kill or turn or drink from you, and whenever Max was around, he was sure to put an end to that. When he wasn’t around, a simple pair of bewitched silver earrings and a matching choker he’d bought you seemed to do the trick. You had no intentions of becoming a vampire, and Max had no intentions of turning you. There was only so much fake tan that could conceal his true nature, and there were many things you could do that he couldn’t.

“Nearly had to gut a guy for these, so you better enjoy them.” You hold up the last box of farmers’ market strawberries, ripe and red and tempting.

“Gimme,” he says, abandoning his drink and crowding your space to pluck the strawberries out of your hands. You frown at his back when he turns to wash them in the sink. Normally, Max is very good about letting you do your job free of his help. Grocery day had its own routine, but he seemed adamant about his hard-won fruit.

You put the rest of the food away, and toss the expired things out of the fridge. It had taken quite a bit of unimpressed eyebrow raises to get Max to use the plastic bins for his blood bags, but you’re pleased to see he’s using the system you’d set up for him. He’s reaching for a bowl when you turn around to fold the bags, and you glimpse a tan, smooth stomach. You know the ab-building pills and devices he sells are bullshit, but for a hysterical moment you think he’s the perfect poster boy for it.

“I can cut those up for you, if you’d like,” you offer. He locks eyes with you and— fuck. There’s that molasses grin again, like he knows all your secrets and then some.

“You know I like to use my teeth,” Max says in that low rasp you can’t help but shuddering at whenever you hear it. You know that he’s using his seduction voice, his come climb on my lap voice. Unfortunately, for the relationship you have with him, he can act however he wants, and you have to remain professional. That fact is made even more abundantly clear when he continues, “Honeybun.”

You force a smile over your scowl, which lights up his dark eyes with amusement. You’ll kick yourself for showing even that barest bit of annoyance. He was a salesman long before he was a vampire. Leverage is his second language.

“Is there anything you need me to handle before I start my rounds, Mr. Phillips?” You ask in a curt tone.

“You’ve got a bit of dirt, here,” he says, moving faster than you can track with your eyes. He’s on you, or close to it, and his hand rests heavily over where you’d bumped your dusty car with your hip. He truly misses nothing. His hand is warm, somehow. You don’t know how, and don’t really care how, but for a single moment, all the porn you’d cum to, all the fantasies which had filled your bored mind, they all surge to the forefront of your thoughts and catch your tongue. Max’ tongue, however, never stops. “Maybe you should take it off while you do your chores.”

“That won’t be necessary,” you say on reflex, your core throbbing, crying, would have punched you if it had the means, because you rest your fingers over his wrist and remove it from your hip. “Enjoy your snack, sir.”

“Not sure it’ll fill me,” Max says, mostly to himself, but you know his words are calculated and deliberate. Deliberate in that he wants to pull that blush to your cheeks. He wants to see your throat bob with a rough swallow. He wants to hear your heart pound, your pulse race. He wants to see you fight all of that in the name of professionalism. He wants, he wants, he wants. He’s not a cruel man, but he is an insufferable tease.

And you curse yourself every day for liking it.

You catch your breath at the far end of his house. The housekeeper wouldn’t keep her mouth shut when she’d seen the blood, so you were stuck with doing the grunt work. Max thankfully put a tarp out for when he knew he’d be messy and kept the massive orgies to company property. The routine once again calmed your nerves, and you found solace in the cradle of his belongings within minutes.

You hardly see him whenever you work in the house, partly because you snapped at him not to micromanage and partly because he was almost never there. Whenever he had days off, Max liked to get out of town and drive. To where, you don’t know, because you never asked. Some people just needed solitude, but in a big postmodern monstrosity like his house, loneliness echoed and reflected on oneself a hundred times louder than it started out.

He isn’t old enough to have lost touch with the life he lived before, but you know that having his family ice him out after learning of his affliction hurts him even now, seven years on. He still looks like most new grad students, if better slept, and with all his success in business you’re not surprised. With as mercurial and opinionated as your mother is, she’d probably do the same as Max’ family, despite the affection she lords over you.

You’d been in the house yesterday afternoon, so most of what you’d cleaned is still spotless. Max hadn‘t had anyone over for dinner, so there was no bleach cycle to run. You did, however, take your skirt off for a moment to rub at the dirt while in the laundry room, but you worked fast.

Not fast enough.

It seems like Max Phillips has an innate sense of finding women in states of undress, and you have barely three seconds of time between hearing his approaching voice and the turn of the handle on the laundry room door. He cuts off his own question - something about frozen mangos and a blender replacement - when he sees your flustered expression, hears the rabbit-quick thump of your pulse. “What’s this?” He says, the hint of another smirk on his face.

“Was there something you needed?” You ask, rushed and a little breathless.

He keeps his eyes on you, raking up and down your form. “No.” The smirk emerges. You prepare for some other smart statement, but it never comes.

Your knees shake once he leaves the doorway. “Fuck,” you whisper into your hands. Your mind is already supplying suggestions of what he’d look like if he actually saw you in just your blouse and panties, how the lick of desire would spark in his eyes, how he’d push his bottom lip out into a point when he was actually trying to hide a smile. How his fangs would grow just a little, helpless to hunger like a fledgling creature of the night.

The rest of your chores go quick, and after a quick last-check, you grab your purse. “I’ve finished for the day, Mr. Phillips. I’ll be uptown most of the evening, if you need anything else.”

“Great,” he says, following you to the door. He opens it for you, guiding you out with a small push of his hand against the small of your back. “Drive safe.”

“Thank you, sir. I will.” You can’t wait to put this weird day behind you and just get a drink to forget it.

You make it all the way to the car before Max makes that impossible.

“Honeybun?” He asks, all fake nonchalance. “Your skirt is on backwards.”

You seriously, seriously consider faking your own death instead of getting up for work. If it weren’t for your boss having carte blanche access to your apartment and knowing what ‘dead’ actually looked like, you might have even gotten away with it. Still, the stupid sniffles make you reconsider a dirt nap. Max never seems to get sick, even when he eats really sick people. Perhaps he meant a different kind of sick.

Your head feels stuffed with cotton balls and your sinuses feel like water balloons. The comparison only seems to make more sense as you toss away another soggy tissue in disgust. You pull up your calendar, which is just Max’ calendar, and wince in the bright light. He’s meeting with other vamps for a social lunch, which, inexplicably, requires your presence. As if he knows you’re thinking about him, you get a text notification.

MP: Still on for our 1pm?

You’d seen what your name was in his phone, once. Considering he treats that thing like it’s a third hand, you aren’t worried about someone seeing him texting ‘Sugar Tits On Demand’ about his dry cleaning bill, but you’re still fairly annoyed with him about it. He hasn’t changed it. You expect he’d change it to something worse if you told him to. You sigh and check the clock. 10:30. You indulge in a moment of petty emotion, kicking your feet in a little tantrum and pouting. Why does the bed feel so comfortable now that you have to leave it?

You: Yes.

You can’t put any more effort into the message, which he notices. His response is almost instantaneous.

MP: What’s wrong? You don’t want me to drive you?

You’d expressed discomfort with being around so many other vampires, and having no personal means of escape, but that had been a few weeks ago. Obviously, your lack of a prompt response is enough to make him call you, his stupid fangy contact picture filling the screen. You groan once more at the ceiling and answer. “Yes, Mr. Phillips?” you ask, not even attempting to hide your state from him.

“You sound like you got hit by a truck. You go out drinking last night, honeybun?” He says after a long moment of silence.

You mute the phone to scream briefly into your pillow, before responding, “No, it’s just a cold. I can still go to lunch.”

“You do know that sick days are meant to be taken when you’re sick, right?”

“Don’t be a micromanager,” you scoff before freezing up. Did you just say that to your boss? “I—”

A bark of laughter screeches through your phone, and you hold the receiver out from your ear, wincing.

“Don’t be a manager, she says. No. You’re taking a sick day. Have fun~!”

“Mr. Phillips, you need me to go to this lunch with you, you were very intent on that!” you protest.

“I’ve got a whole afterlife to reschedule. You don’t.” It seems so simple a statement, so unquestioningly true, that it makes you startle. Your mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water, eyes staring straight ahead at the wall like it’d have the answers painted there. “See you tomorrow, honeybun.” Click.

“You bastard,” you whisper, before getting up for a hot shower.

Stubbornly, you fight sleep and rest while stuck at home, cleaning your apartment with the same intensity you’d clean Max’ house. Of course, you have none of the spectacular views of the valley, none of the modern amenities, no pool to relax at, so you just end up scowling at your dingy rug and adding to Mount Kleenex tissue by tissue. Your anger and exhaustion war against one another for hours, until you hear the door to your apartment unlock. Panic freezes in your veins for a heart-stopping moment before you remember the only other person who has a key is—

“Honeybun!”

Oh.

Max pokes his head through the door. “I’ve brought you human food.” The rest of his body follows, still in his work suit.

“Thanks for specifying,” you say with a withering glare. You can’t even feel embarrassed at being caught in your pajamas. You feel awful.

He sets down a brown paper bag, and due to your sickness, you can’t smell what he’d brought. You creep forward, but he waves you off. “Go sit. You should be resting. I may not have caught a cold in nearly a decade, but I still remember this part. Sit.”

You do as he says, reluctantly. As strange as it is to see him here, in your apartment, you are a little too fog-headed to have thought of getting yourself food. He comes over with a warm tub of wonton soup, humming and grinning to himself. The soup feels amazing against your chest, and you can almost smell it through the mess of your sinuses. “You didn’t have to do this,” you say weakly.

“No, I didn’t. Look how good of a boss I’m being.” He’s smug, of course, but this is something else. You just scoff and roll your eyes. What a ham. At least you get food out of it. Super.

To your continued surprise, he stays. He sits on your lone armchair like it’s a throne and doesn’t even put his feet up on the coffee table. Your exhaustion grows after finishing the soup, and you’d find it suspect if he hadn’t promised the soup was un-drugged, and he hadn’t used his command voice on you. “I’m sorry about the lunch, Max,” you say softly, putting your head on a throw pillow. The pout you’d indulged in earlier is clawing its way back onto your face.

His face doesn’t so much soften as it does flicker, the mask of smugness and haughtiness falling away for just a moment to reveal something soft and squishy and a little more human than either of you were expecting. The smirk is back on his face after that momentary lapse, but it seems hollow now. “Well, I’m sure you’re suffering enough for making me miss it, so just internalize that for me, wouldja?”

You shake your head and laugh, feeling sleep wrap her arms around you, pulling you from the conversation and any further thought on what that flicker meant. “Whatever you say, boss.”

He’s predictably gone when you wake up, the sun having gotten low in the sky. Disoriented, you float through your apartment, unsure of what you’re searching for until you find something out of the ordinary. It’s simple, more trash in the bin, a spoon in the sink, a picture nudged out of place on your bookshelf, but they stick in your throat a little. They’re signs of life, you realize. Signs that Max had left his mark on your home, had held that old picture of you at 12 and your fat tabby cat. He’d rubbed his thumb over your face, a soft smudge in the dust where you hadn’t cleaned earlier. You hold the picture softly, no longer feeling that sense of nostalgia and happy memories which came with seeing the picture. You instead see an oval smudge, half a fingerprint, and your expression.

You catch the flicker when the expression departs abruptly.

“Fuck.”

The next morning, you feel much better. It’s probably because of the near-lethal amounts of DayQuil you’d ingested, but you’re determined to get out of your apartment, and away from that smudged photo frame. You have a blood latte (which you’ve taken to calling blattes in the privacy of your own mind) in one hand, and a water bottle in the other, as you stalk through the cubicles toward the door marked Max Phillips, Sales Manager. The blinds are open, which had become a more frequent occurrence as soon as the employee uprisings had been quelled.

He doesn’t look up from his desk when you let yourself in, bent over a file and frowning at what he’s reading. You set his drink down on the coaster. “Anyone give you any trouble?” he asks, though he knows the answer. Vampires somehow hate the taste of DayQuil and avoid the recently-dosed population. Still, the seventeen-dollar blatte normally draws a few hungry growls from the sales floor.

“Not today.” Or at least, you hope so. The cold had moved from sinus pressure to ear pressure and fucked with your hearing a bit. Perhaps there was a rumble of a growl you just hadn’t heard. Max takes his drink and looks up at you.

“How are you feeling today?” Two inquiries about your state in five minutes. You must have taken too much DayQuil.

“I’m doing much better. I think you caught me on the upswing of whatever I had.” A lie, but Max was kind enough to not call you on it.

Wait. Asking how you are and not calling you on your bullshit? Something fishy was afoot, and it wasn’t sea-sirens.

“Good,” he says before sipping his drink. He groans. “Worth every damn penny I reimburse you for.”

“Glad to hear it,” you respond. “Have you gotten a reschedule for your lunch?”

“Jerome has moved it to a dinner, tonight.”

“Same attendees?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Well, I’ll be there.”

You wish you hadn’t said that.

Brunello’s is one of three vampire-run restaurants in the city. The others are the café you visit most mornings, and a takeout place Max is banned from visiting. But Brunello’s isn’t on that tier at all. Grigor Brunello, a 350-year-old vampire from Long Island, knows that the appeal to becoming immortal lies in the ability to get really fucking dressed up for no reason. The whole restaurant is done up in heavy velvet curtains and polished candlesticks and bone china and pure gold cutlery, and the menu features dishes for the undead and the not-yet-dead. Grigor had caused quite a stir with his management style, though not the way Max had. He understood that finding solace in a world that sought to kill you and your vampire brethren meant making quite a few sacrifices. The older vampires don’t even try to charm their way into a human’s bloodstream these days. They usually like to bite first, and pay the bill later.

Grigor doesn’t tolerate that.

So that’s why you’re here, on Max’s arm like a leashed pet, though you know it’s really the other way around. If a vampire is mannered enough to get a human to agree to dinner, then we get a reservation. It’s like saying, “look how well-behaved I am, this human trusts me.” If that guest is killed or harmed, they banned the vamp responsible for all eternity from Brunello’s restaurant chain. We can’t have nice things if we don’t play nice, Max had explained. The first time you’d come to one of his meetings here, you’d fainted in Max’ car right before going in, but after, you were surprised. You hadn’t been able to pick out the humans from the non-humans until they started making jokes and telling stories of events a hundred years in the past.

You wonder, sometimes, if Grigor approves of Max’ business methods, or if they’d studied in Romania together. You can picture Max’ aghast face, at your suggestion that he socializes willingly with culinary arts majors. Also, the inevitable “that’s so offensive, just because I’m a vampire doesn’t mean I know every other vampire out there.”

Thoughts of the hypothetical type are shaken off as you step past the velvet rope to the inside of the restaurant. The splendor and the dim lighting both require a moment to adjust to, which Max expects with a slight pause in your footsteps. A maître d’ seems to materialize out of thin air, smiling in that same insufferable way you associate with vampires past their fledgling years. “Mr. Phillips, your table is this way. May I take the lady’s coat?”

“Thank you,” you say coolly, shrugging out of the thick shawl around your shoulders and handing it to the coat-check attendant. Max had coached you in the art of Acting Like You’re Made Of Money, and you swear you can feel the pride radiating off of him from your side.

Past the other tables of the supernatural and their human tickets, you’re led to a private room in back, where most of Max’ vampiric business meetings take place.

“Maxy!” a booming voice sounds suddenly, making you jump and a couple of forks clatter to plates around you. A gigantic man walks through the room with an almost palpable confidence and ease.

“Grigor,” Max says in greeting, going for a handshake and getting a hug instead. You watch with barely concealed amusement. Grigor sets Max down and lets him dust off his suit and put himself back together.

“It’s been too long! I heard you were supposed to be here yesterday for lunch! I served that duck dish you like.” Your face flames in embarrassment at the reminder that you’re the reason everything rescheduled.

“Had a conflict come up at work. Nothing serious, just needed all my attention.” You’re always impressed by how easily Max can pull off a lie of omission. He has little to no secrets from you, as keeping information from you makes your job harder and therefore, his life harder. So you got to see his delicate wordsmithing in action, a delight.

“I’m glad you’re here tonight. Jerome has requested quite the spread for your group.” Max takes your arm again, pretending to play escort despite you being able to choose to walk away, and he’d follow. You feel the tension in his bicep.

“Best not keep him waiting much longer than a day and a half,” you say pointedly, knowing you two are probably minutes from being late. Grigor turns his eyes on you.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself. Make sure he behaves, will you?” He says with a wink. You give a nod and a smile, and he’s gone. Max somewhat deflates against your side, tension you hadn’t felt build now dissipating.

“Something wrong?” You ask once you’re out of the middle of the dining room, but not quite through the doors to the back.

“No, just. No.” Max shakes his head and takes an unneeded breath. He looks like he wants to say more, but changes his mind the last second, going for the door. How strange.

Jerome and his human husband are waiting at the small cocktail bar in the corner of the private room. Several other couples cluster around the room, and twelve place settings are laid at the grand table at the center of the room. Your entrance is met with ten pairs of eyes, a tense pause, and an approaching Jerome.

“Max,” the vampire says, greeting him with a handshake. This is more obviously familiar to your boss, and he shakes the hand comfortably. Jerome greets you by name as well, before taking your hand and laying a kiss across your knuckles. You’d been flustered and discomforted by the attention the first time you met, but at 98, you couldn’t fault Jerome for his habits. It suited the atmosphere, certainly.

“It’s nice to see you again,” you say politely, and catch a grin from Jerome. His husband comes up and greets you both as well, salt-and-pepper in his hair and love clear in his eyes.

Max seems a little on-edge, but you can’t place why. Perhaps he thinks you’re going to faint again. You small-talk for the both of you, leaving him to think about the business to be discussed soon.

Not all of Max’ business dealings were in miracle products and snake oil. Most of the immortal scene liked to ensure a healthy sense of community and growth. Vampires hadn’t warred for hundreds of years, and because of this modern mentality of civility through monstrosity, they thrived. Jerome is kind of the chapter head of the vampire clans in your state. He likes to check in and make sure things are being run well, and in line with a better future. Vampire businesses had voluntary non-compete clauses with one another, and a wide network of assistance. Jerome was even trying to set up a community college similar to the Romanian university Max had attended. Business dinners like this were full of doublespeak and agreements that were made and adjusted so quickly it flew over your head. In all fairness, your duties here were simply to exist and be alive, while Max did the legwork.

You could handle that.

They assigned seating at random, though there was always a human between two vampires, and vice versa. Though the vampire community wasn’t officially ‘out’ to humans, they encouraged socialization and diversity in opinion. Tonight, you sit between a beautiful artist visiting from New York whom you hadn’t met before, and a guidance counselor for a night school in the next town over. The artist introduced themself as Terra, and points out their human sitting serendipitously next to Max at the other end of the table. “Fox is my muse,” Terra says, swooning a little. You can’t help but enjoy the affectionate look they send the stoic man.

“Have you taken him to many dinners like this?” You ask interestedly.

“Oh yes, he’s just always like that. He’s so paranoid, since his divorce.”

“Oh?” the guidance counselor to your right says, leaning nearly on top of you to get closer to the gossip.

Dinner goes by quickly, a seven-course meal with wine pairings and blood served chilled in shot glasses between plates. Your own palate-cleanser is more wine. When things wrap up after dessert, you’re glad Max is driving.

“Perhaps the DayQuil wasn't the best thing to pair with the Bordeaux,” he says in your ear once you’re alone again.

“I’ll puke on you if you tease me right now,” you mumble, sniffling. A tissue is placed in your hand.

“Whatever you say, bunny.”

That’s new.

The goddamned air conditioner in your apartment is out. It had died at around six in the morning, right when the sun had risen, and by the time you were awake at seven, you were drenched in sweat and convinced you were dying. Even the tile in your bathroom didn’t seem to soothe the burn all over your skin. The cold shower you tried to take was merely tepid, and the walk to your car nearly had you on the phone declaring your resignation to your boss. Of course, Max wouldn’t put up with that, no matter how much he seemed to like you. So you slog over to the cafe, you pick up an iced bloffee in an opaque cup, and you trudge to the office. At least they keep it cool in the office, and you know how to make yourself look busy.

“Don’t you look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning!” Max remarks when you come in. You put the blatte down on his desk a little more forcefully than normal, and fix him with a scowl.

“My air-con unit is waiting for an interview at Grigor’s.”

“May it rest in pieces,” Max says with amusement. “Why didn’t you call me?”

Why didn’t you call your boss who flirted with you nonstop and took care of you while you were sick and took you on expensive, exclusive not-dates to the hottest crypt in town? Why indeed?

“I woke up in Satan’s asscrack, this is me on two hours of no central cooling and east-facing windows.” Max at least winces.

“Well, you know I’ve got the space at my place,” he says, going for casual, and tripping over his words anyway. Your eyes snap up to his. “Don’t make that face, you spend more time there than I do, practically.” You know that’s not true, but he continues. “C’mon. You know I won’t bite...you, at least.”

“I’m...” Suddenly the air in the room feels just as hot and thick as it had in your apartment. “Yes.” You know this is breaking a ton of rules, rules you had in place to protect yourself, but the danger is too tempting to turn down.

Max is surprised. “Yes?”

“Yes, I’ll stay at yours tonight.” There’s a bit of a beat before you continue. “For the air conditioning.”

“Of course.”

“Right.”

“Yes.”

“Yes...” Max takes his iced bloffee. “So. Let’s go over today.”

The morning standup goes quickly, and with your mind daydreaming hours away, when the sun goes down, it’s like you blink and it’s five. You nervously pick at the sleeve of your shirt, eyes flicking over to Max at his desk. He’s wrapping up work, a new product agreement coming down the pipeline from the regional office. You’d retrieved lunch for him and had to remind him to eat. With a last sigh, he closes the file and shuts down his computer.

“Did you want to meet me there or consolidate gas and go together from your place?” he asks, and you don’t know why you’re surprised, but some part of you seemed to truly have thought his offer had been a joke, or at least forgotten. Had it been on his mind the entire day, the way it had plagued yours?

“Yeah, let’s save gas,” you say, mouth gone dry.

“I’ll see you at yours, then. Text you when I’m on my way.” You take your leave, braving the suffocating drive home in your car. Things aren’t much better back at your apartment, and halfway through packing an overnight bag you text your landlord about the A/C issue.

Marcus L: You’re the fifteenth person to complain about there A/C today.

You want to shoot back a nasty text, but find it takes too much effort, between agonizing over what clothes you want to pack and just expiring on the floor. Max texts you.

MP: Outside.

You quickly shove a few more things into the bag and rescue your suffering little plant in the kitchen window. Poor thing, it looks like wilted salad. You lock up and send a nasty glare toward your landlord’s name on the tenant announcement board on your way out. Max is still in the car, cool air pumping full blast as you slide into the leather passenger seat with a groan.

“Never thought I’d hear that noise out of you without asking,” he says, and you’re too in love with the ventilation system in his car to care. The rest of the ride is spent in silence, relief too thick in the air to be brushed away by conversation.

Still, when the two of you pull up the drive to his house, some kind of strange sensation sinks into your stomach. This reminds you of an old memory, seeing your parents hold hands in the front of the car as you pulled up the driveway. This reminds you of a ritual long-lost to death and time, a brush of a kiss on the knuckles and a soft, “Home again, home again.” You can picture yourself in the role your mother usually sat in, and Max in the other seat, holding your hand and declaring your arrival with a kiss.

None of that happens, of course, but the feeling doesn’t fade for even a moment as you walk in.

“Wanna use the pool?” Max suggests.

“You just want to see me in a bikini.”

Max gives a shrug and takes off his jacket, disappearing into his wing of the house. You choose a guest room where you haven’t seen any blood on the floor, which you assume is the proper guest room, and not a place where Max takes his messier meals. His suggestion sits in your mind, an unshakable suggestion you can’t deny sounds amazing. You peek into the backyard and nearly choke.

Max has foregone any sense of shame and had undressed poolside, his work slacks in a haphazard pile to the side. His tight, bright red boxer briefs leave nothing to the imagination, and you have to take a deep breath to center yourself before looking away. You press your overheated body to the cool wall beside the window, sweating for an entirely additional reason now.

Could you justify doing the same, joining him in the pool? You know it’s kept at a comfortable temperature year-round, but haven’t had the chance to experience it for yourself just yet. You stand at a precipice, professionalism and security at your back, and the winds of desire and the unknown whipping at your front.

“Fuck it.”

You strip like Max had, but in the comfort of the guest room. You’re glad at least to be in something a little modest beneath all your clothes, though it won’t matter once you’re soaking wet. Before you have the chance to talk yourself out of it, you take a running start across the patio, and leap into the pool in nothing but your skivvies.

Max had heard you running up, but didn’t have time to look before he was hit with the wave of your splash. When the water settles and you finally surface, he can take in the sight of you, soaking wet and nearly naked. His eyes flash darker with desire, and he clenches his fists so he won’t reach out to touch you. When you finally blink the water out of your eyes and tread in place, you lock eyes with him. “Change your mind, then?” he asks.

“Clearly.” Just to tease him, you recline back and float, letting your body soak in the sun.

“You need sunscreen.” Max had patiently walked you through the myths and facts of being a vampire, and luckily, sunlight was only slightly irritating, unless there was sunscreen involved. For fledgling vampires, they could look like lobsters before noon. Max had worked with his tan guy to not only get rid of the sickly pallor so many of the newly-undead had, but also to formulate a more permanent form of sun protection, so he wasn’t going through several cans of sunscreen every week in the summer. He cared about things like his appearance, and namely, making his appearance seem deceptively human. So skincare and sun protection were on his mind.

“You gonna help me put it on?” you ask teasingly, half-expecting a lewd answer, and instead getting...

“What’s gotten into you?” He’s chuckling, but you can tell there’s a thread of genuine confusion beneath it all. You’d agreed to stay at his house with little-to-no convincing, and within ten minutes of arriving, had stripped to your underwear and jumped in a pool. Now, you were openly inviting him to put his hands on you, on your bare skin he so often thought about. You swim a little closer.

“Trying something new. It’s called relaxing.” Though your words are nonchalant, the sudden pounding of your heart gives away your nervousness. This is a leap of faith. Would Max show his cards, or let you fall on your face?

“Well, I know all about that,” he says, his voice dropping into that familiar low register that plagued your dreams. Suddenly, he’s right in front of you, holding you close when the displaced water threatens to push you back. You can’t help but gasp, his hands still so warm against you, and still just as shocking. He moves the both of you with ease, that incredible vampire strength coming out to play. He normally held back from most of his baser instincts and abilities, knowing it was messy and frightening to some, but all you feel is a thrill, as he hoists you up to sit on the edge of the pool. He pushes himself out next to you.

Sitting side by side like this, wet shoulder to wet shoulder, something warm and sticky and heavy settles in your gut. It feels like that same weightless drop you used to feel every time he would look at you. At first, but now, his eyes had become familiar... However, all at once, they’re not. They hold emotion instead of pride, softness instead of calculation, want instead of lust, and curiosity where there had been smugness. The butterflies in your stomach want out. They want to push the craving for a kiss up from your chest and into your mouth, they want you want you want.

But then Max is standing, and the insufferably hot summer’s day feels colder. You chew your lip and shiver at the feeling of water running down your back. You release that want as an annoyingly-besotted sigh, and jump when Max speaks again. “Miss me that much?” You look up at him. He’s blocking out the sun with his broad shoulders, leaving him with an undeserved halo around his silhouette.

“Don’t flatter yourself. Your ego’s big enough.”

“I think my ego is perfectly proportional,” he smirks, offering a hand up. You take it, feeling that lump in your throat dissolve under the warmth of his attention. “C’mon, on the deck chair.”

You sit, and pull your hair away from your shoulders so he can reach more of you. It’s an offering, a baring of the neck, leaving your guard down. It might be reckless, might be the wrong thing to do, but when he sucks in a quiet breath, you can’t help the silly smile that spreads across your face. He warms the sunscreen up in his hands before spreading it over your shoulders and neck, working slowly so every little bit is rubbed into your skin. “No tattoos?” he asks, once the silence edges into ‘mildly uncomfortable’ territory.

“No,” you sigh. “I’ve got a bit of an addictive personality. If I got one, I’d get a hundred more before I knew it.”

He huffs a laugh. “When I was Turned,” he starts, and your ears perk up. He almost never talks about his time in Romania aside from what you needed to know to do your job. “I had two full sleeves, they were pretty shitty, but I was proud of them, I guess. They stopped right before the end of my shirt cuffs. After the Turning, they were gone. I was white as snow, and not just from the blood loss.”

“They...how?” you ask, wanting to turn just to check and see.

“You sweat a lot during the Turning. My skin’s thicker now, physically. Kinda has to be, to fight the sun. There are other scientists and theories floating around, trying to understand what’s going on chemically, but as far as I know, no one’s tattoos have survived the process.” He sounds wistful, and your heart pangs a bit.

“And you can’t get any more now?”

“They don’t take. They’re more like really painful temporary tattoos. We aren’t perceptible to stains or anything like that, either. Helps with the blood, at least.”

It’s your turn to give a soft laugh. “That’s a shame. I like tattooed guys.” His hands falter for a moment, and you grin to yourself.

Then, his voice is much closer to your ear. “I still know how to leave a mark, bunny, I promise you that.” Your body lights up like a fucking jumbotron at the feeling of his whisper against your neck. “You just need to ask.”

You blush, despite it all.

“Let me get your arms.” Limb by limb, he covers your skin with sunscreen, and takes his time rubbing it in. You take your time enjoying it. By the time he gets to your neck, you’re having to bite your tongue to keep from squirming. His hands are just so big and strong. Two fingers tap beneath your chin, and you move willingly, baring your neck the most it’s ever been. Whereas before, he could have blamed his pace on thoroughness, he moves glacially now, pausing his fingers over your rapid pulse and massaging the tense muscles through the sunscreen.

Then, he’s tilting your head back down with his hand in your hair. He’s so fucking close, and through the chemical smell of the pool and the hot dusty smell of the patio, you can smell him: his cologne, his fucking hair product, that dangerous predator smell you couldn’t quite place. His lips are partially open, eyes dark, and his brow furrowed. Your instincts lift your hand to his forehead and smooth down that little furrow with your thumb. It’s the first time you’ve initiated a touch with him, sweet and caring and not enough.

“Can I kiss you, bunny?”

“Please.”

It’s hot and it’s messy and rough and you think his fangs may have descended on accident, but you don’t mind one bit. His mouth is heaven and his body is hot and clings to you like nothing else ever has. You’re both making tiny little noises in the back of your throat, rapturous little sounds of triumph that this is finally happening now.

You moan his name when his hand comes to rest on your lower back, and his fingers dig in just a little harder in response. You nip at his lower lip a little, playful and not at all thinking about the consequences. When you pull back from one another, he looks more dazed than you remember him ever being around you. He’s chasing your lips again a moment later, and his kiss meets your grin when he makes contact. “I’ve been thinking about this for so long...” he murmurs, kissing down your jaw to your neck. The sunscreen hasn’t dried, so he just leaves soft closed-mouth kisses on you for now.

“Me too,” you admit, finally. You’d lived in denial of your feelings for him for so long, mostly out of a sense of protection for your poor little heart, but also out of fear. Fear that he wouldn’t reciprocate, fear that he’d womanize his way into breaking your heart, fear of the unknown. “Me too,” you say again, firmly.

His eyes sparkle with delight as you repeat yourself. He pulls back and kisses you softly on the mouth, then your nose, and forehead, before wrapping you up in his arms like you’d dissolve into smoke if he didn’t. If he had a heart that beat, it’d be pounding. But you settle for the comfort you can get in the castle of his embrace. It’s a calm quiet between the two of you, before you realize something.

“I should’ve known you were a big softie underneath it all.”

He barks out a laugh. “You gotta keep that one a secret.”

“I don’t kiss and tell, Max.”

“I know you don’t, bunny.”

#max phillips x reader #max phillips #bloodsucking bastards #max phillips x you #pedro pascal #unhingery #f!reader #pedro pascal fanfiction #flicker

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skegulium · 3 years ago

Note

🗡 for.. vanakh? vahakh? my cool buff mom w a weirdly spelled name, :(

Send 🗡️ and I will rate my muse’s danger level in several category in a number of stars out of 5. (Max: ★★★★★)

Raw power. ★★★★☆

Formal Training. ★★★★★

Combat experience. ★☆☆☆☆

Willingness to kill. ★★★★★

Previous victims. ★☆☆☆☆

Man this was an interesting one to think about. Vahakn is a highly trained individual, and has zero qualms about killing anyone... but for as much as she talks about being a proper soldier and the like, she's never actually been in battle. Which is sort of funny, right? The head of a rebel rehabilitation program, and she's never actually fought!

That's not to say she's not dangerous though. I do think with full honesty that if she was dropped into one, she'd have no trouble easing into the battlefield and fight whoevers put in front of her. DEFINITELY not a troll to underestimate because she has nerves of steel and can punch someone's head clean off their shoulders.

And funnily enough, she's also got an extremely low body count for a troll. The importance of the trolls she's killed though is alarmingly high. It's not every day some by the books pencil pusher manages to murder their boss and get away with it after all.

#vahakn hicsut #ask meme #thank you for the ask!!#vahakn answers

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purrincess-chat · 4 years ago

Text

Cat’s Definitive Ranking of Every ML Episode as of 4/22/21

Are you guys ready for this? I did the thing. You’re all welcome. Don’t ever ask me for anything again. You can watch me get progressively more unhinged in real time.

Now, just to preface this, I did not give this too much thought. Most of these are just my gut feelings. I went through every episode and just made some snap judgments based off the lasting impressions I’ve been left with. These are my opinions. If you don’t like them, tough. And also I don’t care. Go spend 4 hours making your own damn ranking. And shut the hell up. Anyway, this is probably the longest post I’ve ever made, so I’m gonna put it all under a read more. Click on it if you have an hour to read it. Okay, here we go!

1. Origins II- Good starting point for our heroes. Good establishment of canon ships and character dynamics. Umbrella scene literally stole my wallet. Cannot emphasis enough that I am whipped for the umbrella scene. I wrote a whole ass AU just to say how whipped I am for the umbrella scene. In the Rain will play at my wedding. Jk. Weddings are for suckers. But dammit if I don’t want these kids to get married. 10/10

2. Origins I- Good introduction to lore. Good introduction to characters. Good establishment of status quoyo. Just good. 10/10

3. Simon Says- Listen, I am nothing if not a shipper at heart. This episode just sparks joy. And the whole series almost ended when Gabriel almost jumped off the roof. I was really rooting for this one. This was the episode where I saw Ladrien and went yes, ma’am, I’ll have one of those. 10/10

4. Evillustrator- Are you all surprised? Cat, the MC-skeptic ranked the pivotal MC episode so highly? Well, let me tell you all a thing, I started this fandom out a MC shipper because of this episode. Their first interaction is gold. I don’t deny that. I enjoy it. This is the MC dynamic I fell in love with. Yall toxic shippers ruined MC for me when you opened your mouths and spat in the face of Ladrien and baselessly declared MC the sin-ship. We all know it’s Ladrien. Stop kidding yourselves. Boy in leather catsuit? Please. Basic ass vanilla bitches. I’m getting off-topic. Solid episode 10/10. We love to see it.

5. Stormy Weather- Baby’s first Miraculous episode. It holds a special place in my heart. It’s a solid episode. Good establishment of what the show is. Fun villain. Good times. Fond memories. 10/10

6. Riposte- Listen, I know I’m an Adrinette stan, but hear me out: Ladrien. It’s just so good. And Kagami was compelling in this episode. It was just really solid. It’s my favorite s2 episode. If you ask me if I want to rewatch Riposte, the answer is always yes. 10/10. We stan.

7. Gorizilla- Okay, so this episode has some solid Adrinette in it, but the real reason it ranks so high is that fucking Ladrien trust fall. I stare at that scene for hours, you guys. HOURS. It is absolutely just *chefs kiss*. Sometimes when I need a pick-me-up, I just go watch gifs of that catch on loop. 10/10. Beautiful. Radiant. Carefree.

8. Gang of Secrets- I have been keeping most of my opinions to myself about s4 (mostly because I’ve backed way the hell out of this fandom), but GoS was pretty solid. Gotta say, it’s the first episode in a long time with this show that made me actually excited to see what happens next. Most other episodes I was like, okay, that was cute. The show is still meh overall. But GoS really got me like oh shit, is ML good again? 10/10 for making me feel things again.

9. Oblivio- Told you guys this one was probably rated higher than I thought. Oblivio is just really fun. There is good Adrinette. That “No wonder I fell in love with you” paired with the softest of Adrien smiles just sends me. And the kisses. The unquestionable trust. These two kids literally woke up together alone in an elevator with no memories and said welp, you’re my boyfriend/girlfriend obviously, I don’t make the rules. Honestly, how anyone could argue that these two dorks aren’t made for each other after that episode is beyond me. 9/10

10. Backwarder- Okay, I know I am weird and alone for this one, but I really liked this episode. It got a lot of shit for the constipation capsule thing at the end, but like who cares? We finally got some more backstory on Fu. He got a love-interest who is dope as hell. This episode is my favorite lucky charm use ever. Like that queen DID that. I like Backwarder, guys! Fuck off. 9/10.

11. Kwamibuster- We all know I am a Marinette-stan by this point, but our girl was SHINING this episode. This bitch said gimme all them and let me go whoop this bitch’s ass, and she DID. Hawkmoth could never. Multimouse is a gift, and Marinette is a boss ass queen. 9/10

12. Chat Blanc- Listen, this episode was very good. I enjoy the idea of my children being happy in another timeline somewhere very much. We got all 4 sides of the square in an episode. It’s just really solid. I know this is the fandom’s favorite, and everyone is gonna shit their pants because it didn’t make my top 10, but this is my list. So, I put it at number 12. It’s good. I like it. It just didn’t steal my wallet like other episodes did. Put the pitchforks down. It’s gonna be okay, you can still love it more than me. 8/10

13. New York Special- I know everyone felt some type of way about this special, but I wasn’t mad at it. My perception of it might be clouded because I watched it in Disney World where I was chilling and having a great time, but like this special really did somethings for me. The Adrinette was top tier. Tippy top tier. Even though they hurt us in the end, I am okay with it because it just means the children will grow and come out stronger. I don’t care if it’s not technically canon. Ask me if I give a fuck. I don’t. I had fun here. 8/10. Solid.

14. The Collector- This one might shock a lot of you, but let me paint you a scene. It’s the first episode of s2. We have just come off a 2 year hiatus. The fandom is thriving. We’re hungry for canon content. We have hopes and dreams and expectations. Everyone is going wild with theories. This episode confirmed something that was long since obvious (in my opinion) and ended the stupid arguments people had been having. It made Gabriel actually seem semi-competent. We got our first taste of how Chat/Adrien will react to his dad being Hawkmoth. We got a peek at their life. Adrien’s isolation and sadness. They were so close to figuring it out. The battle was epic. Like Collector really had them on the ropes there for a second. It’s a solid episode, yall. I’m not wrong. Hate me all you want, but this episode brought it. 8/10

15. Despair Bear- Is this episode up this high because of the Adrinette slow dance scene? YOU BET YOUR ASS IT IS. Okay, but fr though, shipping aside, this episode gave us hope that Chloe was actually gonna redeem herself. I mean, she didn’t but, we didn’t know that at the time. Seeing her run around trying to be nice was fun. And then she actually did something good, and we had a moment of okay, she’s capable. We’ll get there. We didn’t. But what a ride this episode was for making us think she would. 8/10

16. Startrain- Cat, you’re just ranking all the Adrinette episodes highest. And? What of it? Are you surprised? You clicked a blog that has simping for Adrinette in the description, and you’re surprised all my favorite episodes have Adrinette? I’m not wrong, you’re just an idiot. The Adrinette nap cuddles aside though, this was a pretty good episode. If you don’t think too hard about the whole space thing, we got a look at Max’s life, his mom is a driven, smart lady doing her best. Adrien rebels against papa for once. Alya stops a Lila scheme. Chloe gets to play the hero. Alya and Nino actually investigate like the heroes they are. Gabriel gets to realize what a dumbass bitch he is. I mean. Guys. Startrain is solid. 7.5/10

17. Sapotis- This one shot up in rank for me after GoS, but tbh it’s always been a solid episode. Alyanette sleepover? Check. Alya becoming a superhero? Check. It’s a fun episode. And looking back, it’s nicely called back to later in GoS. We love it. 7.5/10

18. Sandboy- Idk why I enjoy this episode as much as I do, but I do. Sandboy is a cute bean. I love his aesthetic. We also get hilarious looks at everyone’s nightmares. “Plagg, who turned you into a sock?” cracks me up cause like Adrien, bby, no XD And Chat Noir’s nightmare. I think it would have been interesting though if since Sandboy dusted the Agreste mansion, if we got a peek at Hawkmoth’s nightmares. It would have been a nice hint of plot to go along with Master Fu’s nightmare. Also Plagg giving the akuma the slip like the clever boy we know he is deep down? 7.5/10

19. Furious Fu- If you guys haven’t realized by now that I love Fu, idk what you’re doing. Pay attention. I know that some people don’t like him, but I’m just gonna say it, you’re wrong. Fu took care of the Miracle Box for over 100 years, and this episode kind of gives some insight to what the Order was like. Very strict. Lots of rules. And ya know what, Fu said fuck the police, I’m gonna befriend these little magical demigods, and fuck off! Like what an absolute legend. I was really happy to see him living his best life, and that he and Marianne got married because it’s what he deserves. We love to see it. 7.5/10

20. Gamer- People like to shit on Marinette in this episode, but like honestly, if I were in her shoes, I’d have probably done the same thing if I had the skill. Ain’t nothing wrong with a girl trying to spend time with the boy she likes. And Tom and Sabine being absolute shipping trash. I love them. And the awkward Adrinette. The introduction of the lucky charm that Adrien STILL carries. Wholesome. This was a good episode for their friendship, and we love to see it. 7.5/10

21. Christmaster- Okay, I know a lot of people hated this episode when it aired, but I thought it was really funny? Everyone skidding around in the ice rink was hilarious. If you don’t take this episode seriously, it’s really fun. Chris is pretty cute, and damn right Ladybug is the best kid in the world. Idk. This episode is fun. I’m not mad at it. Sue me. 7.5/10

22. Weredad- What? Another MC-heavy episode in Cat’s top 30? Listen, I don’t hate canon MC. The fans just annoy me. This episode was funny. The secondhand embarrassment and cringe was real. Plagg taunting Adrien because he knows the secret was great. Marinette being a self-saving queen was great. It’s a good episode. I like MC, you guys. I do. I swear! 7.5/10

23. Miraculer- This episode was interesting to me, and I think it’s still a good development episode. For one, Sabrina finally got her own akuma episode named after her. Secondly, because it’s a big step for Chloe, just not in the way we expected. It totally makes sense that Chloe can’t have her Miraculous back because literally everyone knows her identity. Can’t argue that logic. And she is the first person to ever refuse to become akumatized, so like mad respect. I know a lot of people had high hopes for redeemed Chloe (myself included), but I think watching a character fall from revering someone to hating them is also an interesting path. The friends to enemies arc as it were. Idk. I liked this episode. It was an opportunity for Chloe to grow, even if she didn’t in the end, but we’ll talk about that later. 7.5/10

24. Lady Wifi- I like Alya. I feel like I don’t say that much, and people make some assumptions because of MDCSP, but MDCSP is just a concept I wanted to explore. It doesn’t really reflect how I feel about any one character. Except maybe Lila. And Gabe. But every other spite fic I’ve written branching from Chameleon, the class has been fine. Alya has been fine. So, let it be known that I like Alya. Lady Wifi was a fun episode. Putting aside the fact that she thought Chloe was Ladybug for no reason, I like her akuma. I like the interactions we get with LadyNoir in this episode. After GoS, this episode gets a bit funnier. It’s solid. 7/10

25. Dark Cupid- I don’t have much to say about this one. LadyNoir. That’s it. That’s the tweet. Send it. 7/10

26. Volpina- So many things about this episode. It introduced a new antagonist who we didn’t exactly 100% know was going to be an antagonist at the time. This episode sparked a lot of fun fan theories for a while. Who was Lila? How was she going to shake things up? Not to mention this episode gave us a taste of plot and lore, and set up Marinette meeting Master Fu officially. Lots of intrigue sparked from this episode. And that LadyNoir door scene? OOOOOO 7/10

27. Hearthunter- One word: Adrigaminette. This episode was so cute for them! I loved seeing them all goofing and running around together. Adrien and Kagami being absolutely in love with Marinette when her hair is down. They both love her, I don’t make the rules. Not to mention, Marinette takes a big step by letting her friends be happy without her. Kagami not wanting to hurt Marinette. The drama!! Gabriel being a messy ass bitch to his friends. It loses points for the abomination of an akuma, but overall, I wasn’t too mad at it. Yet. 7/10

28. Glaciator- More MC in Cat’s top 30? It’s more likely than you think. Listen. Listen… Listen. MC is fine. This episode was the closest thing to fanfiction that we got. The balcony scene was really sweet. I was drinking the irony. We got introduced to Andre the icecream fraud. Andre the please just give me the flavor I asked for man. I could have done without Chat pouting, but the LadyNoir in the end was pretty good. I wish they’d done more with Ladybug’s feelings for Chat. Had her question herself a bit more after this one, but overall, it’s cute. 7/10

29. Zombizou- A lot of people started hating Mlle. Bustier after this episode, and like I can kind of see it, if I squint, but I did not draw that same conclusion from this episode. Mlle. Bustier just wants good things for all of her students. They’re 14 ffs, she just wants to be a good influence on all of her students and wants them all to be successful. But go off, I guess? Plus, this episode was basically just a spoof on zombie apocalypse movies. We got so many things. Julerose, Myvan, DJWifi. Chloe actually showing some depth and emotion. LadyNoir. We won this episode, babes. Sorry you didn’t get the memo. 7/10

30. Timetagger- Okay. This is the last episode in the ones that I’d venture to call “good.” Number 30. I enjoyed Timetagger. I know people have feelings about timey-wimey bullshit, and like I’m not gonna lie and say I’m thrilled with it either (I mean, I changed the rabbit’s power in MDCSP) but that being said, Timetagger was so sassy. Bunnix was cool as hell. We get to see that LB and CN are still doing the thing in the future. So many questions sparked from this episode. It was fun. Idk. I liked it. That’s all I got. 7/10

31. Malediktator- Okay, from this point on, less comments because this is the section that are more or less just meh to me. Like they’re fine. This episode was fine. Chloe was fine. Chat playing with the laser was cute. 6.5/10

32. Mayura- Adrien’s speech at the end. Nuff said 6.5/10

33. Ikari Gozen- Ryuko/Ryuuko. Gals being pals. 6.5/10

34. Reflekdoll- I talked about this earlier, but I don’t hate this episode. It’s not as bad as people make it out to be. Sue me. 6.5/10

35. Anansi- Nino is the goodest boy. Also I need more of the gang taking Adrien on adventures via Facetime. Stat. 6.5/10

36. Shanghai- This one is new, and tbh I still haven’t watched it with subs, but I had a good time. Fei was cute. The boy squad was cute. Adrien bonding with Great Uncle Cheng was cute. Hawkmoth getting literally dunked on was *chefs kiss* 6.5/10

37. Gigantitan- I love overly supportive, ride-or-die girl squad. 6.5/10

38. Party Crasher- Idk why this episode was funny to me. Kim is the purest bean. We don’t deserve him. 6.5/10

39. Desperada- This episode was an emotional roller coaster, and even though we all collectively hate Aspik’s stupid egghead, we love the Ladrien this episode provided us. 6/10

40. Oni-chan- Listen, I loved seeing Lila get a tiny bit of karma even if she made it up in the end. I loved Chat going off on her. I loved seeing her get outsmarted in the end. 6/10

41. Frightningale- My good lesbian Clara Nightingale. We stan. 6/10

42. Style Queen- I like Audrey in a “she’s the worst person I’ve ever met, I want to travel the world with her” kind of way. She’s funny to me. Idk. I love her firing everyone. She’s the one I love to hate. She’s the worst, but we love her for it. Plus this episode gave us Plagg’s adorable little Cataclysm that destroyed half the city. 6/10

43. Gamer 2.0- Chat confidently strutting in heels made this episode worth it. And we get to see the beginning of Marinette being overwhelmed. Plus it was the return of gamer!nette. 6/10

44. Troublemaker- I don’t hate this episode as much as the next person either. It was fine. Jagged is a manchild, but we love him for it. He’s a Marinette stan which like mood. The Adrinette at the end was cute. I wasn’t mad at it. Idk. It’s fine. 6/10

45. Reflekta- Where are all my Juleka stans at? I loved the LadyNoir banter in this ep. V. cute. 6/10

46. Dark Owl- This episode was fun. And it really shows their level of trust. Plus Plagg and Tikki interacted. 6/10

47. Timebreaker- Have I ever mentioned that I like Alix? I like Alix. 6/10

48. Silencer- I don’t hate this episode as much as you’d expect me to, and that is 100% because of the LadyNoir. 5.5/10

49. Prime Queen- Chat purrs. 5.5/10

50. Syren- I think the fish power-up is adorable. Ondine is a gem. Kim is a pure bean, but we been knew. 5.5/10

51. Befana- I like Gina, but this episode fell flat for me. Almost as flat as the animation. 5.5/10

52. Reverser- Another episode that everyone hates that I am actually fine with. This episode made me like Nathaniel more. Probably because I was previously indifferent toward him. Marc is cute too. 5.5/10

53. Mr. Pigeon- Marinette is one clever girl. And the Adrinette hand-touch. 5.5/10

54. Felix- Felix is a gremlin of chaos. A true chaotic neutral. He gives his uncle the finger, and I think that’s beautiful. 5.5/10

55. Truth- Bet you expected this episode to be higher. While I did enjoy watching toxic people’s world crumble, this episode still gets a meh from me dog. 5/10

56. Lies- The Adrigami was cute, and I respect Kagami as a character. The akuma could have been better tho. 5/10

57. Princess Fragrance- Not much to say here. 5/10

58. Copycat- 5/10

59. Bubbler- 5/10

60. Mime- 5/10

61. Animan- 5/10

62. Robostus- 5/10

63. Ladybug- This episode ranks this low purely because I don’t care about GabeNath, and I hate that Lila won something in the end. But Adrien saying I won’t hesitate, bitch! At the end was nice to see. 5/10

64. Catalyst- I know I ranked Mayura way higher, but Catalyst fell flat for me. Like it was fine. Wasn’t as into it though. 4.5/10

65. Puppeteer- One of my favorite lucky charm uses. 4.5/10

66. Pixelator- My favorite Cataclysm. 4.5/10

67. Horrificator- That almost-Adrinette kiss tho 4.5/10

68. Pharaoh- 4.5/10

69. Kung Food- 4.5/10

70. Rogercop- 4/10

71. Guitar Villain- 4/10

72. Dark Blade- 4/10

73. Bakerix- 4/10

74. Antibug- And now onto the bottom 10. To start us off, I will just say: UGH, this episode annoyed me. First of all, Sabrina didn’t even get her own episode. Chloe was a piece of shit. Idk why they made Ladybug the one in the wrong when Chloe was being obnoxious. Ugh. 3/10

75. Captain Hardrock- I’m gonna be honest. My apathy for this episode has grown into loathing. Toxic stans are 100% to blame. Birthday ruining, bitches. This is the reason I threw a breakup bash after Truth. Yall deserved it. 3/10

76. Christmas Special- I didn’t hate this episode as much as everyone, but it still wasn’t great. 2.5/10

77. Stormy Weather 2.0- This episode was really dumb. It didn’t need to exist. 2.0/10

78. Queen Wasp- Why did we give Chloe a Miraculous after this episode? 2/10

79. Animaestro- Did we really need a self-insert? Did we really? 2/10

80. Puppeteer 2.0- Listen, this episode would have made more sense in s1 or at the very latest early s2. Adrien gave a whole ass speech on how great Marinette is, then he turns around and is like idk if she likes me… Clean it up. 2/10

81. Miracle Queen- I could talk at length about how much I hate the ending of this episode and what they did with Chloe and Master Fu, but we’re just going to remain calm and give it a solid 1.5/10

82. Frozer- This episode made no goddamn sense. I call bullshit on so many things. Just ugh. 1/10

83. Chameleon- Surprisingly, even though this episode sparked many, many spite fics out of me, it’s not my least favorite because at least Ladybug semi-redeemed this episode. Still really dumb and ooc tho. 1/10

84. Feast- Okay, okay, okay, here we are. Bottom of the barrel. Cat’s most hated episode, and you wanna know why? You want to know why this episode fills me with the rage? Because we spent two fucking seasons building up all this mystery and lore and intrigue surrounding Fu’s big mistake, and they dropped the fucking ball! They did my mans so dirty! They could have really deepened his character, deepened the Order, deepened anything other than whatever fucking affair Gabriel and Nathalie have going on, but NO. They made it some stupid, bland-ass thing that got resolved magically in the end, then just ignored it for the rest of the season. I will never not be salty about how they did my boy Fu in this show. I’m happy he found his peace, but fuck if I’m not livid about how they did it. Whatever. Chat being done with Ladybug’s shit when they’re about to get eaten was funny I guess. .5/10

#cat speaks #cat spoils #episode ranking #long post #i'm tired now #i go to bed

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yamithediaperdork · 3 years ago

Text

Mommies little wuss (Ben10)

But this story isn't about the Tennyson's who went on that wild summer, this story is about Ben Tennyson, who still wasn't potty trained (and honestly his mother had given up hopes he ever would be) and who due to his meekness and nature as a world class scardy cat, had elected to stay with mommy and daddy, though mostly close to his mom.

with a layer of chub that made him look like a over sized toddler from a lack of exercise and being spoiled with lots of treats from his mom, and sporting a shorter version of anther Ben's trademark white and black shirt..this Ben was rocking thick white and black diapers that were custom made because of how often the little wuss was going.

This little wuss had just waved off Gwen and Gramps and then went back to watching paw patrol.

"Did you have a good sleep sweetie?" She asked, reaching over and turning off his baby monitor, having already unplugged the 3 night lights he used every night.

"Yeah! I had a dream I was a pretty princess playing with puppies and this dragon came up but he was all scared and just wanted hugs so I gave them to him" Ben giggled, tossing his Superhero squad blanket back and getting a whiff from his ripe diaper, bloated around his hips and with more then tinkle.

"Ewww! stinky!" Ben said, holding his nose but giggling, again reinforcing the image his mother had of him that he might technically be 10..but he was clearly 2..maybe 3 in all the ways it counted.

"heh, it's not that bad. You've done worse. wanna waddle over to your changing table or want mommy to carry you?" His mom asked, already knowing what he'd pick but she liked to give him a choice now and then with little things.

(it didn't help his wusseness that his mom was VERY over protective of Ben, to the point of homeschooling him because she didn't want the bullies at school to tease him)

As expected Ben giggled and held out his arms and She picked him up, a hand going under his squishy butt and making him giggle and patting his back as she carried him over. He thought the fact he like to squish in his stinky diapers was a big secret from everyone but both his parents knew it and so did anyone brave enough to babysit him.

(not that his mom trusted Ben with anyone outside of the family, and even then, NOT Gwen after she had reduced Ben to tears and given him nightmares for a week by singing the itsy bitsy spider.)

Gently setting him down, she handed him Officer bear, one of his favorite stuffies (She had toyed with getting him a sumo slammer stuffie till she watched the show and deemed it too scary for Ben, and Ben who took momma's word as law agreed despite never watching it)

"Can I have a paci please mommy?" Ben asked, batting his eyes like he was asking for a ice cream treat for breakfast and just making her gush at how sweet and cute he was.

"Of course you can! what color little man?" She coo'd, tickling his tummy and pulling open the drawer with the pacifiers.

"Ummm You pick! they taste better then you do!" Ben coo'ed Kicking his legs a little.

His mom smirked at that, but he was the 'boss' so to speak and pulled out a baby blue one, popping it in his eager mouth and he suckled away while holding his teddy above him, mumbling around the paci to his bear.

One stinky diaper clean up later, and the 'treasure' dropped into Ben's diaper pail (which had been labeled Ben's Treasure chest) and she had him off of the changing table and tugged off his PJ top. Taking his hand and leading the way, the made their way to the dinning room so Benny could have num nums. (his bedroom was on the ground floor because Ben was scared of heights and claimed to get dizzy when he was on the second floor)

There was no point in dressing him till he ate, and they only changed his diaper because the aroma from his huggies affected how breakfast tasted.

His daddy was already at work and so it would be just Ben and mommy all day, something he preferred if he was being honest though he did like playing with daddy, sometimes he was too rough.

Helped up into his custom high chair and strapped in, Ben kicked his legs and sucked on his paci as his mom went and brought in a big bowl of oatmeal, with little bits of different cookies crumbled and spread all over and a large baby bottle of milk. She had left the choice of baby bottles or sippy cups up to Ben, but they both knew normal cups were out of the question and after trying both he'd settled for the baby bottles because the nipples were better then the hard plastic.

Tugging the paci out of his mouth his mom smiled and got a bib tried around his neck, white with multiple colored baby blocks spelling out 'mommy's widdle boy' on it.

"So does Benny wanna try and feed himself today, or want me to feed him again?" His mom asked, coo'ing and a hand on a chair to pull it over having a feeling on the answer again.

"Uhh Mommy, are you feeling ok?" Ben asked, raising a eyebrow. "Of course I want you to feed me! You make it taste like.. a zillion times better! a zillion plus TWO!" Ben said and held up three fingers to illistate his point, numbers wasn't his strong suit.

His mom just smirked and pulled the chair over, sitting down and then getting a bigggg spoon full of the nummies ready.

"Open wide~" she coo'ed, moving the spoon in and Ben giggled and did as he was told, then as the spoon went in he closed his mouth around it and and mmmhmed as he nom'ed away.

"So i was thinking Benny, do you wanna go down the the park today?" He mom asked, still feeding him.

Like all her other questions she knew the answer and maybe this was a little bit mean of her to ask, but she couldn't help it, the look of fear on his face mid bite and then the loud muffled poot was just TOO adorable! with his cheeks puffed out with oatmeal baby Ben shook his head no and shut his eyes, shuddering and more poots followed as he seemed to get slightly taller in the high chair and a familiar smell filled the room.

"Benny, did you go boom boom?" She asked in a loving voice, setting the spoon down and stoking his hair.

Ben swallowed the nummies in his mouth and then then nodded.

"Of course I did! Mommy! you know how scary the p-p-park is!" He whined, a hissing sound hear and more muffled poots, though he didn't get any taller this time from a mess.

"oh, it must of slipped my mind. Mommies can be SO silly sometimes!" She said and leaned in, kissing his forehead and calming him down slowly. "Forgive mommy?"

"hehe..Of course! after all, all you did was make a 'nther. " and Ben paused to blow a raspberry, getting some spittle on his mom. "Diapie that you hafa change!" he finished and giggled madly, wiggling his butt and squishing the mess all around, making it all nice and squishy and making it a nightmare to change.

"heh, that's fair." Mom said, wiping her face with the sleeve of her shirt and then picking up the baby bottle. "Drink?"

"It's like your psychic!" Ben coo'ed and opened his mouth, then wrapping his lips around the nipple and sucking eagerly, eyes closing, then going wide and pulling back, making a icky face and shuddering as he pooted. "Mommy! that's not strawberry! It's normal milk! too spicy!" Ben huffed.

His mother giggled at that, only BEN would find plain 2 percent white milk spicy, and again it had been one of her meaner moments.

"Ohhh did I forget to add the syrup again? I'm sorry buddy!" She said, though anyone with half a brain would hear she didn't mean it.

Naturally Ben brought it hook line and stinker.

"-sigh- it's ok mommy, please go and fix it..and just so you know, i'ma have the FARTS t'day now!" He warned.

'how is that different from any other day?' his mom thought, but then said out loud. "it's ok buddy. I know it's my fault. sit tight and don't go anywhere." She coo'ed making Ben giggle.

"Mommy, I'm in a high chair, where am I gonna go? to the moon?" he laughed then thought about being up in space and well, got a little taller.

"MOMMMMYYYY!" Ben wailed.

So scared was Ben that he refused to just sit on the couch or on the floor, he either wanted mommy to sit down with him so he could sit in her lap and be protected or he wanted what he called his fortress.

Said fortress was a larger then normal playpen that Ben and mommy had fallen in love with then they had seen it while out shopping (Daddy had been taken back by the price tag but with his wife and son saying please over and over again he'd caved) it wasn't set up all the time as some days Benny would lay on his tummy and color in hello kitty or paw patrol books on the floor or lay on the couch for a nap or even again sit in mommies lap but today, she was gonna be busy cleaning.

Getting the playpen set up in the right spot could be tricky as well, as it had to be in a spot where Ben could somewhat try and keep a eye out for her in case he got lonely,

It also had to be within view of the TV where his mom would have it streaming episodes of Paw patrol, Hello Kitty, Bob the builder but after the diaper blowout from a few weeks ago harry and his bucket full of dinosaurs was cut out.

The final challenge for setting it up was the fact it had to be in a spot with just enough light where Ben wouldn't get scared, but not TOO much light or it would make shadows and again, scare him.

Hoping she'd found the sweet spot Ben's mom helped the oversized toddler into the playpen, mentally joking that with him being a little butter ball she didn't have to worry about going to the gym, and then handed him in his teddy from before, some soft baby blocks to play with, a pack of non toxic crayon's and a Sesame street coloring book that had any pages with a monster on it ripped out (So had maybe 3 pages) and then a fresh ba-ba.

"Please tell me you got it right this time." Ben said, farting loudly to get his point across.

"Yes sir, I used extra syrup!" His mom said, holding the bottle out for him and he started to take it, then smiled.

flipping the bottle around in her hand, he got on his knees and drank from it while she was leaning over the playpen.

She wanted to complain that she had things to do, but damn it if he wasn't just too darn cute. Still after he got it half drained she had to speak up.

"Benny sweetie, I need to go and start cleaning, can you show me what a good little boy you are and hold your own ba-ba?" She asked.

Ben paused from his suckling and pulled off, giving a huff and a eye roll like he had all of the worlds worst problems, but then took the bottle from her.

"I 'pose." He said, plopping on butt and apparently hitting some sort of trigger as he let out a MASSIVE belch and even blew his mom's hair back a little from the force of it.

of course while most boys Ben's age or even the age he acted would of been giggling or all proud, the burp had a different effect on our little wuss.

His eyes shot wide then he cried out 'mommy!' as a massive poot followed and the back of his diaper got a wave of mush in the back of it.

"Shhh, it's ok Benny. I'm right here." She coo'ed, leaning back down and then tugging the back of his diaper open and checking. For a normal baby it would of been full enough for a change but with Ben being such a super duper pooper it wasn't all that bad.

"I think your diapie can handle some more. Just color me a pretty picture and watch your cartoons." She coo'ed and then ruffled his hair and turned the tv on.

"O-Ok mommy." Ben mewed.

Still accidents could and still did happen, such as when while she was dusting by the TV she accidentally knocked cords free and Ben's show stopped right in the middle of a big dramatic moment.

Despite having seen this episode multiple times, Ben's jaw dropped down and his eyes went wide, sure that it meant that his beloved hero's had just bit the big one and gone up to the dog park in the sky.

"NOO! CHASE! RUBBLE! ROCKY! ALEX!" he cried out, tears streaming down as he was up on his knee, at the edge of the play pen and looking over, massively loud and wet farts blasting out and his diaper bloating out rapidly.

sweat dropping and trying not to roll her eyes, Ben's mom rushed to get everything plugged back in and as the episode came back on right from where it left off she came over and pulled him out of the playpen, hugging him and letting him watch it over her shoulder as she patted his back and squished his bottom.

"Shhh shh..See? they're ok Benny."

"I..I..-sniffle- I was so scared they were GONE mommy!" Ben bawled like the big baby he was.

"Well there back now. it's all right. let's pause this and get you changed little man, I don't think your diapie is gonna take much more punishment." She said.

she had gone from rubbing his butt to getting her arm under it to support him as he semi relaxed, not wanting to risk him falling out of her arms and as he finished filling his diaper it had both kept going under her forearm and overlapped the top pat of it, almost forming a semi seal around it.

"Nooo! wanna finish and make sure their ok!" Ben whined and whimpered. "P-Please mommy?" He asked, and pushed back enough so that he could give her a pleading look with his tear stained cheeks and trembling bottom lip.

"..Ok. but Mommy better hold you, don't wanna have a blow out in your fortress right?" she sighed and asked. there was only 10 minutes left anyways.

"Thank you mommy! your the best mommy ever! whatever you say!" Ben coo'ed and planted and big old drooly smooch on her cheek before going back to watching.

'And Carl thinks I have it easy staying home with Benny all day.' She mused to herself.

After the show was over and one LONG diaper change later, Ben's mom decided that she would put off the rest of the cleaning till after Ben was put down for his afternoon nap.

Getting a blanket on the floor she sat down with him to play whatever he wanted, and wasn't shocked when it turned out to be paw patrol, with her as Alex and Ben as the doggies. Thankfully she had watched the show with him or heard enough of it in passing to play along with ease and they went that way for at least a hour before Ben's tummy was growling loudly.

"Uh-oh, I think somebody needs some more fuel for his little present maker!" She teased, tapping a finger on his tummy. "What do you think kiddo?"

Ben, who due to his constant diaper filling and well, being trained for lack of a better word to eat lots hence explaining his flab, drooled and nodded.

"Oh Oh! can I grilled cheese french toast sandwich?" he asked, licking his lip, having a .. odd taste in his food combo's, again coming from getting what ever his little heart desired.

"oh I suppose so, But I better get you a snack while I make it for you. don't want you wasting away." She teased, helping Ben up and then holding his hand as they to get him into his highchair.

Strapped in nice and safe and in just his diapers and socks, Ben used his fingers to snack on a bowl of vanilla and chocolate pudding mixed together as his mom started cooking for him, and of course he had a fresh ba-ba of strawberry milk on the tray for him to drink.

and naturally, by the time his sandwich's were done (She knew that he would want more then one and thus had made 3) at least half of the pudding was on his face,body and hair, Ben having just finished drawing a smiley face on his tummy and grinning like a goof.

"Look! I made you a picture!" he coo'ed, all proud.

"heh, VERY pretty but I don't think I can hang it on the fridge." She giggled and set the plate down with his food cut up and cooled and smooched his forehead.

"Why not!?" Ben huffed and pouted, then it clicked and he giggled sheepishly. "Oh yeah. never mind!"

"heh, see? I know my little guy would figure it out!"

After lunch Ben clearly needed a bath, but since it had been awhile since his last poop filled diaper his mom wasn't eager to just sit him in the tub and have him 'launch torpedo's' as Ben called it.

At the urging of her husband she semi toyed with trying to potty train Ben even though everyone knew it was hopeless, and by try that meant that they had a training potty in Ben's size that he could sit on while unloading in his diapers to get used to sitting on the potty and going.

Baby steps after all was the way to go.

Ben thought it was a waste of his time plush he thought the potty kinda looked like a monster, though when he'd expressed this fear to his dad he'd been told to show a little back bone for a change.

still, it was with a trembling bottom lip that Ben planted his diapered butt down on the light blue training potty, closing his eyes and slipping his food stained thumb in his mouth and sucking on it lots as mommy started the tub running.

The sound of the water running did help the wuss relax as he always like the white noise and well, when your a chubby 10 year old diaper wimp relaxing can only lead to one thing.

a loud fart shot out of Ben's butt, the Potty making it semi echo and the noise scared Ben, his eyes popping open even as his fear made him fire out more poop and farts in a viscous circle.

His diaper was swelling up but in a odd twist of fate unlike how it normally happened, with it just going around the potty chair, today some of it went in and expanded in there.

"Ah! mommy!" Ben cried out,whimpering and tearing up. "The potty is roaring at me!"

"Heh, Benny it's just your far-" his mom started, turning and looking.

Ben went to get up to turn and point to the potty, but with his diaper having gone in and expanded on the inside, it stayed latched on and his eyes went wide as saucers.

"IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME! MOMMY HELP!" He screamed falling down on all fours and crawling around in circles, shaking his butt and trying to get the potty to dislodge as his mother watched on in amusement.

'I should be filming this, I'd win America's funniest home videos for sure.' She thought with a mental snort.

walking over and kneeling down, she used one arm to grab Ben around the belly and then with free hand she yanked hard on the potty, pulling it free from his stinky butt.

"Shhh there there, I-" she started, but Ben cut her off and squirmed around, turning around and on his knees hugging her and smothering her with kisses as he bawled, bawling out thank you's and gushing about how much he loved his monster slayer mommy.

'..I really should tell him it wasn't a monster..but what the heck...' she thought and returned the hug, knowing she'd have to change her shirt after this.

"Heh, that's me, Professional monster slayer, diaper changer and chef supreme." she coo'ed as Ben sobbed and nodded.

add onto that with him so sleepy it was a fight to get him to raise his arms and the like and it took longer then normal but at least it was worth it as she soon had a fresh and clean little guy.

cradling him in her arms he was Basically asleep before she even got him to his room and diapered, it was clearly nap time.

Not bothering with PJ's for the nap (it would of been next to impossible to get him in them with him this conked out) she tucked him into his toddler bed and planted a smooch on his forehead before handing him one of his stuffies, watching him snuggle into it and smile, a thumb popping into his mouth.

lightly tugging the thumb out she replaced it with a paci then after making sure that the baby monitor was on and drawing his curtains shut, tiptoed out of the room.

Ben just suckled on his paci, hugged his teddy and to the shock of no one who knew him, was filling the room with farts seconds later.

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