#maskedreality

[maskedrealities]

A lot of the time growing up, I had a lot of people tell me I gave them gender envy. I had others asking me my gender, what was in my pants, getting with me to see if I had a penis or a vagina. Actively asking me very invasive questions because they couldn’t tell.

I am an intersex woman. I have F on every certificate I have. But I am built more androgynous. This causes me issues in my daily life.

I have had people tell me to “pick a gender and stay with it.” I’ve had others ask me if I used to be a male because my voice sounds like a teen boy’s but I look like a girl with shorter hair (I love short hair but I’d rather look masc with a shorter length). I’ve had people bully and belittle me because they couldn’t tell what gender I am.

It really causes me issues for going out in public. I fear being harassed again in public, asked invasive questions, be told someone wants to look like me and ask how I achieved it. How long I’ve been on testosterone or estrogen.

I’ve never been on either. It is something my body has done on its own. And the more that I grow older, my body has changed from feminine to masculine. I wanted to love myself for my more “feminine” features and yet those have gone away.

No matter what I want, I will always struggle to love my body because I have to get used to it again and again when I see a new change in the mirror.

Medical professionals hate me and don’t take me seriously. I’ve done something wrong just by living yet I haven’t done anything wrong at the same time. Although that’s something that will always be shoved down my throat because I “don’t look like a set gender” so I “need to figure it out and stay with it.”

Let me just be me. Let me be happy and love how I look. I’m not a dress up doll. No matter what, though, that’s what so many people assume of me.

I despise the binary for the pain it causes me and others. And I hate myself for being so desperate to be able to fit into this stupid category so the pain isn’t as bad.

I don’t have a DSD. I am intersex. I’m not something to fix, I am a being that deserves respect, too. Yet it’s so hard to get that.

[maskedrealities]

Okay, so, looking through the core and fix types with my answers being truthful… I do not feel like this entirely fits me. There are too many things that I don’t agree with as they don’t fit me or my personality. So I’ll be breaking all of this down and saying my thoughts with it. This is going to be a long post, I apologize!

Starting by beaking down the core type via here:

Core 4: The Soulmate

“4 wants to be the most important person to their darling.”

While this is true, it isn’t me needing to be the most important person, but I want to be the most relied on as a lot of other people in the person I’m interested in’s life don’t actually seem to understand anything that they’re going through while I do.

“4 will do anything for their darling to keep them from leaving them and often base their entire self-worth and identity on their darling.”

I will do anything for my darling, but I will not force them to stay with me if they’re not wanting to stay with me. If there is ever a time we need to part ways or need to have a break, I’m all for having that happen. My self-worth might be related back to my darling, but it will not be based entirely on them neither will my identity. My identity is my own and isn’t caused by anyone other than me.

“They are incredibly envious of others and set off by even the smallest actions that could suggest their darling thinks someone is more interesting.”

I’m not that envious of anyone. I get protective more than jealous. Jealousy is a bad taste in my mouth and I grew up in a family where protection was always the first thing rather than jealousy. If someone is hitting on my darling, I’m not jealous but more focused on making sure they’re safe. Upset that it happened, yes, but they didn’t cause it. If my darling views someone as more interesting, that’s fine. It won’t break me, they have every reason to see someone else as interesting rather than just me.

“Thinks that their darling is the only one to ‘understand them.’”

Yes, this one is true. Because out of all the people I have ever been around, they were the first to not dehumanize or demonize me and actually took the time to understand how I function, act, react, and what has gone in my life. They are the only one that took any chance, any time, to actually make sure that I had someone I could go to that wouldn’t shove me away because I’m “different.”

“Daydreams a lot, similar to 5 and 9.”

I daydream sometimes, but they do not take up all of my life and my thoughts. I think I have a fairly decent balance between daydreaming about a future with someone and my own life.

“Mostly quiet resentment to others but expresses it more than 5 or 9.”

The only reason my resentment is normally quiet is from me not wanting to cause issues for anyone that I can’t or don’t get along with. They can get along with someone perfectly fine, and I am happy towards that, but if someone were to hurt them, I refuse to be quiet about it and to make sure that my darling understands that person is to not be around ever again. Otherwise, my thoughts on their friends can stay my thoughts.

“Often appears like 2 but 4 wants their darling to rescue them rather than rescuing them [darling] like 2 (exceptions possible).”

I don’t think I need to be saved at all. With everything I’ve ever been through, there is no saving for me and for someone to act as though I’m a damsel is…upsetting. I don’t need to be rescued. I don’t feel anyone else needs to be rescued unless they’re being hurt, but even then I can only do so much.

“Likely to guilt-trip or ‘sui-bait’ darling but not intentionally like other types – they just feel too strongly.”

I do guilt-trip on accident sometimes and I’ve noticed that tends to actually show the person I’m interested in what’s actually going on. I would never use any sort of self harm as a means of getting my darling to listen or to stay. I am already suicidal and they’re aware of this, but I will never weaponize my own issues to get them to stay.

“Sees their darling as their ‘true love’ or soulmate, a missing piece to fill the void inside 4.”

Surprisingly… I don’t actually believe in soulmates or “true love.” If someone fits with you, someone fits with you, there could be multiple people that might be my “soulmate.” But even then, it would be a sole person according to how a majority of people view “soulmates.” I feel hollow, yes, but that’s because of my troubles feeling and expressing emotions, that doesn’t need to be filled, but rather healed.

“Most emotional, sensitive type. Most delusional type. Most jealous/envious type (because 4’s passion/sin is envy).”

I agree with only one part of this and even then, not strongly but neutrally. I can be sensitive, yes, but not enough for it to really bother me. I don’t breakdown, I just go numb and grow detached. Most emotional/sensitive doesn’t sound close to me as I struggle with emotions and don’t feel them often. As someone who deals with psychotic symptoms and delusions, I can tell a majority of these apart from how I can be obsessive and how that affects me. I don’t tend to stay delusional about someone. I deal more with hallucinations and believing that I’m back somewhere I no longer want to be, that the people I’m with will hurt me and that they will, so on and so forth. I am not jealous or envious at all. I wouldn’t count envy as my passion or my sin, but I would count pride as either one, if not both. I’m a very prideful person and I value everything I can about myself and that tends to shove me down a hole of self-doubt. So not jealous or envious, I just don’t feel like I’m doing a good enough job if my darling sees someone else, but I’ll also understand and get back on my feet. If not, depending on the person… I’m aware I deserve better anyways.

“Trigger: Darling overlooking them (not being ‘the favorite’) or misunderstanding them. Also darling showing interest in anyone else.”

No? I don’t mind being overlooked and them exploring things. If I’m not the favorite, oh well. I don’t like being the favorite at all. I don’t really care if I’m misunderstood or not, it’s common for miscommunication and misunderstanding to exist and to exist together, I can always provide more clarification if they don’t understand. If my darling shows interest in someone else, that’s okay. I’m poly, I’d be perfectly fine with them also branching out.

To the fix and cores as linked above:

4+5 first.

“Detached from actually being with darling.”

I’m not entirely sure if this means being detached in a relationship or physical sense so I’m going to answer it within both ways. I would love to be with my darling in a romantic and physical sense and I hate being alone, especially if I’m already experiencing feelings for them. I wouldn’t consider myself detached from actually being with them, especially not when I have separation anxiety and need to be with them 24/7.

“Watches darling from afar and daydreams about them rather than acting.”

Yes, if I’m not already in a relationship with them, I do prefer daydreaming about a future rather than acting. Rejection is a pain and I’ve been led on before so I’d rather have the other person make first moves or ask rather than it being me.

“Doubled daydreaming aspects.”

I’m not entirely sure what I mean, but if I’m able to daydream, I will. Otherwise I have too many other things to focus on to genuinely sit and daydream more and more each day. Losing myself to a daydream will also only further my expectations and make me fall when they aren’t met.

“Quiet resentment towards others in their darlings life: 4, 1, 8 core more likely to act on resentment.”

Like I said, my resentment isn’t something I consider quiet unless it has to be. I don’t resent friends I can’t/don’t get along with, I resent those that actively hurt my darling and even then, if I have to be quiet about it I will, but my darling will know my thoughts about the matter as soon as I can tell them.

“Deeply engrossed in analyzing darling.”

I’m deeply interested in analyzing everyone and everything. It helps me understand body language and is perfect for non-verbal cues for if we need to leave. It also helps me read people and know if I’m safe or if something comes from a place of malice.

“Writes and enjoys love poetry and love letters.”

I do! I enjoy both and writing is one of my favorite creative mediums. But I’m not fond of criticism regarding any of it.

“Deep down, needs words of affirmation.”

Yes, I would absolutely agree with this and I do. I enjoy words of affirmation, it’s more preferred for me. It also helps with issues regarding needing constant reassurance.

“Sees darling as perfect (unless splitting it something of the sort as is common with 4 types).”

No one is perfect. No one can reach perfection, not even my darling. To deem someone as perfect is to hold them to higher expectations than are humanly possible. Yes, my darling might be perfect to me but it’s not how they are, look, or anything alone. It is all of it together, yet I will only tell them they’re perfect as a means of saying they’re good enough. I will never hold them to a higher standard that can’t be reached because I’ve been there. Splitting is something I experience, but that won’t make me view someone as less than just because of it.

“Quite delusional.”

Like I said, I do experience delusions due to psychotic symptoms yet this has no relation to my relationships or my obsessions. I’m aware of not being able to be with some of my obsessions, not being able to get everything I want, and my delusions are not focused on these things but more so hallucinations and being stuck in a time where I wasn’t safe at all. I have had flashbacks feel like delusions and delusions feel like flashbacks. So I wouldn’t consider myself delusions within yandere aspects.

“5 fix would make 4 core a little less emotional than other 4’s.”

I already deal with a lot of emotional detachment and numbness, I don’t think that the fix/core is what causes it as I believe it is more so on a mental level than anything.

“Bizarre seeking.”

Such as random objects like hair, toenails, things like that? Absolutely not. I value spaces that aren’t with things like that. If wanting objects they don’t particularly care for is bizarre seeking, then possibly, but if it’s objects that can be deemed as disgusting in nature, no. I’d be unable to live with myself but good on someone else for enjoying those things if they can.

“Struggles to explain their feelings for darling when asked.”

Yes, I struggle to understand emotions and feelings and for the emotions I do know, they don’t fit so I like the proper words/phrases for communication like that. But I do manage.

“Somewhat dislikes simple conversation with darling; prefers deep conversations with them.”

As long as we can talk, I don’t mind. Sometimes neither of us are up for talking deep conversations and simple conversations do just as well. It’s more about just being able to talk than what we talk about.

“4 fix can help 5 core be more likely to act, though it is still a bit detached.”

Doesn’t apply here.

“5 fix can help 4 core analyze darling more and see them more as a person rather than entirely as their ‘lover.’”

I will see them as how they want to be seen, either as a person or as a non-human depending on their preferred identity. At the end of the day, they will always be their own person. “Lover” is a label for relationships. Just because I like them doesn’t make them solely my lover.

4+9.

“A daydreamer.”

Not always and not particularly. I can be considered one when I have the time to daydream.

“Dreamy.”

I’m not sure what’s meant by this so I won’t comment but take it as a compliment instead :)

“Especially obsessed with the idea of soulmates.”

I’m not obsessed with it at all. I don’t believe soulmates exist. People can fit someone else often, especially if they “feel right,” but that doesn’t make someone a soulmate at all.

“Quiet resentment to those in their darling’s life.”

As I’ve stated, two or three other times now? It’s only quiet when it has to be otherwise my darling and/or that person will know how I feel. I’m protective.

“Withdrawn from darling.”

I wouldn’t say I’m withdrawn from them at all. I rely on them heavily for issues with separation anxiety. The only time I might be withdrawn is emotional numbness, but even then, I’d rather spend time with my darling than be alone.

“Prone to isolating self from darling when anxious or upset.”

Not at all. I enjoy being around them and communicating these feelings. Sitting in them does nothing to help and I’d rather build more trust by relying on them during times of vulnerability than to hide.

“Jealousy is quite profound.”

I don’t consider myself jealous at all. Cool, they like someone else. Not cool is someone actively making them uncomfortable and afraid. I prefer protection over jealousy.

“Hesitates to interact with darling out of anxiety.”

This entirely depends. If we’re out in public? Yes, I’ll be hesitant due to my agoraphobia. If we’re inside their house, I don’t mind it. If they’re at my house, I also don’t mind it. I like interaction if it means being in a safe place.

“Romantic and nostalgic.”

I’d say yes? If poetry and missing things can count as “romantic and nostalgic,” then I might be such. But I’m not entirely sure.

“Passive.”

Unless I don’t need to be!

“Fear of conflict with darling.”

Such as arguing? No, that isn’t a fear of mine. Conflict such as breakup? It would hurt but I’m not afraid of it. Conflict can happen at any time, it’s best to just keep an open mind and work things out if both people, or more, is able to.

“Afraid of communicating feelings.”

This is super wrong for me. I love communicating feelings and I hate not having communication within a relationship. No communication breeds misconceptions and miscommunication as well as misunderstanding. Even if I don’t have the right words for my feelings or emotions, I’d still much rather prefer communicating than not doing anything.

“Strongest fear of abandonment.”

I fear abandonment but that isn’t my strongest or most important fear.

“Hides their sadness from their darling.”

I don’t. Even if I try, they read me like an open book so I can’t exactly hide how I feel and I do my best not to.

“4 fix can help 9 core think more about their and darling’s emotional needs more.”

Doesn’t apply here.

“9 fix can help 4 core be more gentle and less likely to manipulate or hurt others on purpose.”

I would say this is wrong as I’ve also done a majority of time healing and using self-help methods for when I was in an abusive environment. That environment made me more prone to lash out and manipulate. So I don’t think it really has anything to do with a 9 fix/4 core.

5+9

“Lots of daydreams about darling.”

I wouldn’t consider it a lot as I don’t have a lot of time to daydream. I have other things of more importance to focus on rather than creating an expectation for my darling and myself.

“May write love poetry that they will probably never share with darling.”

Only if there’s mistakes or I feel like something needs to be added. Any type of “first draft” gets thrown away.

“Withdrawn.”

Emotionally, yes, but not all the time. So I wouldn’t consider myself withdrawn at all.

“Nervous.”

That comes free of charge with anxiety and other things.

“Stalks darling out of curiosity and love rather than paranoia or a desire to control them.”

I stalk them from anxiety and paranoia that something happened to them. I like making sure they’re safe.

“Seems to disappear.”

Sometimes! I do this a lot but it’s more so to scare people or because I walk quietly. But I don’t disappear from relationships or from someone’s side.

“Covert obsession.”

Not much to say here but yes, I agree.

“Reverent.”

I would say yes.

“Represses their anxiety with anger.”

Not at all. I allow myself to feel my anxiety, but I repress my anger. I don’t like being angry, but I don’t care about being anxious.

“Might have a mask with darling, especially if 3 fix or core.”

Only sometimes, but not enough to hide myself from them.

“9 fix can help 5 core become submissive.”

Doesn’t apply here.

“5 fix can help 9 core understand darling more strongly.”

Doesn’t apply here.

At the end of it all, I don’t really feel like I fit it. I might be wrong, but that’s also how I see it. All of the answers I put lead to 459, yet I don’t feel like “The Dreamer” fits me at all.

But, regardless, thank you all for reading if you did! It also gives more of a dive into me and how I am :)

hi!! pretty pleaaaaaase check out my yandere enneagram tritype personality quiz!!! it'll tell you what your yandere tritype is :3 it's based off of this so you can read that whole thing, too, if you want :3

please reblog with what you get :D

[freedomclay]

“Masked Reality” Unmasking the truth You cannot hide from yourself Now, show up for YOU. A haiku by @freedomclay Good morning! May love, peace, protection, gratitude, enough, now, grace and mercy reside with you today. #fctalk #freedomclay #inspirationalmessage #artislove #artisfreedom #reflections #artiscreativity #freedomclayography #maskedreality #photography #haiku #haikuoftheday #haikuofinstagram #haikupoet #haikupoetry #writer #blackpoetsociety #blackwriter #blackwritersmatter #booksofinstagram #575acollectionofhaikubyfreedomclay #meditation https://www.instagram.com/p/BsqBP5_nJv_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1g9jrd4gfrg0a

[darkpassengerbooks-blog]

Soil For The Rose rewrite #Day-2. #Darkness #MaskedReality (at Dark Passenger Books)

[maskedrealities]

Look… I’m all for yans getting together, but if you fake being a yan, get with someone who actually is a yan and deals with the obsession that comes with BPD, and then use them as a means of entertainment… that’s fucked up and I don’t like you.

We aren’t play toys. None of us are. We are individuals that love too much and hold on too tightly because we don’t want to be alone. Don’t weaponize that against us and use us as a means of “being funny.”

It’s vile and disgusting behavior. Do better towards people that have a trauma disorder.

[maskedrealities]

I want to record your voice so I can replay hearing you over and over… I don’t think I can get enough of you… I need more.

[maskedrealities]

I get jealous of those that have anons that actively get to know them, ask questions about the blog owner. Even if they are or aren’t personal questions, it’s the interaction I crave.

Someone to obsess over me, want to know everything about me. Even as a friend. I enjoy having people look forward to me messaging them, I enjoy receiving messages from people.

I want to be someone’s darling for a day rather than constantly being a yan for someone that doesn’t seem to enjoy me.

[maskedrealities]

Hey, if you’re one of the people that mock or make fun of someone who considers themself to be a BPD yan or want to say they’re “just being edgy,” please leave my blog.

People with BPD can take back using yandere as a term. We deal with obsession and can be in love so much that it physically hurts and we have to do something even if it means hurting ourself or someone else to get that out. Majority of the times, those with BPD and myself will hurt overselves because we feel we deserve it because someone doesn’t love us even though we try so hard to be appreciated, loved, and wanted.

We’ve had to deal with not being good enough and being left behind by people we thought cared about us, we deal with extreme abandonment issues.

So to make fun of trauma survivors, call them “edgy,” “freaks,” or just be mean in general, you should self-reflect and try and think of why you’re being rude to people that label themselves as something they should be able to take back. There’s so many different ways someone could be a yandere.

People with BPD don’t have to fit your stereotype, we don’t have to fit yan stereotypes either. But that’s a term that we can and should be able to take back because of how our obsessions make us feel and how they can cause us problems.

I find happiness in calling myself a BPD yan because it describes how my BPD affects me. I shouldn’t be the product of your jokes and “games” because you think it’s fucking funny to mess with trauma survivors.

There are people genuinely mocking BPD yans and acting obsessive to make them feel wanted, like we belong, like we can finally be understood, and could potentially have a partner that understand us and our struggles. Then those people stab people in the back because they think it’s “fun.” Instead of mocking actual trauma survivors, you could spread word around that mocking and making fun of someone or using them as a “game” isn’t fucking right and is terrible.

[maskedrealities]

Anon, I’d like you to know how dangerous it is for anyone to say their age publicly. Especially minors. I understand not wanting to interact with them, but there are going to be a flock of younger people coming to Tumblr or other social media in their own time and terms. If you demand someone to tell you personal information, such as age, you are in the wrong.

Personal information NEVER has to be shared to strangers or mutuals online or offline.

You don’t know them? Be safe with your information online.

Hey love ya but if ur not gonna indicate whether or not if ur a minor or an adult on your blog I'm gonna unfollow or block you because I don't want to interact with minors

Ah ok ill miss ya

[maskedrealities]

Tell me how you think of me. All of the details. Don’t be afraid. Let me know your secrets, your dark desires. Let me know exactly how I plague your mind.

[maskedrealities]

I want someone to obsess over me and see me as someone they can always go to. I want someone to check in on me and get me gifts, spend time with me, do whatever they needed for my attention.

[maskedrealities]

I need to know your location 24/7, I need to know where you are. You know this. So turn your phone back on so I can find out where you are, to make sure you’re safe, how long you stay somewhere.

Please let me see where you are even if you don’t know that I’m watching you…

[maskedrealities]

I would love to have someone that worships me, sees me as a goddess for them to do everything for. Someone that would do anything just to have my praise, touch, or love.

It's not every day that someone gets to have their goddess spend every minute with them or have the one they worship willingly let their worshipper do whatever they wanted.

I want to be someone's deity. I'd give all of me to them as long as they gave me what I wanted. Wouldn't that be so lovely? You could have someone that protects and loves you, that only wants you, someone so willing to bend under your will?

I wish that was something the one I'm interested in would do. I would be their everything. I would be so happy to be worshipped by them. One can only dream.

[maskedrealities]

I hate the way I am sometimes. I’ll actively talk about how I love this person, how I’m happy to be around them, to be with them, to get to know them even after years of being friends with them, to start going on dates with them.

And then I turn around when they do the smallest thing, the smallest mistake, and I’ll hate them for weeks on end.

I don’t like how I am to them, I’m aware of the pain it causes them and me. And yet it feels like I’ll never be able to be better, even if I try my hardest it’s never enough.

I hate them sometimes for the way I’m treated like I’m not even there, I’m treated less than human, they say anything that goes bad is on me and it’s my fault. I see those patterns mental warfare between us.

I didn’t get angry with them the last time they told me that it was my fault for something bad happening, when I was being treated as less than, when I wasn’t having any time spent with, when it was a constant feeling of them only wanting me around as a trophy, FWB but no benefits for me, just something used to fuck and leave. But that was “my fault.”

I’m aware that they say they don’t remember, but I do. I remember everything from that time and it feels like nothing they do will ever make up for that, not when it feels like that same pattern is continuing or going to continue.

I don’t consider them a partner. Not now. I don’t think I can be with them based on what they’ve done and how they treat me. But I love them and want to be with them, yet I hate how I have to feel like I’m a maid and just some trophy to keep.

I feel like I’d be better off alone sometimes.

[maskedrealities]

I want to be your favorite.

[maskedrealities]

I want you to talk to me when you realize that I’m finally awake. I want you to tell me that you’re keeping tabs on what I do, what I post, where I am. I want you to make sure that you’re keeping me safe by tracking my location at every opportunity.

You tell me you’re a yan, too. You told me that you do this behavior. Why don’t you fucking show it? Make me be a darling, treat me like a darling. I need that in my life, too.

I’d kill for you and do anything to make sure you’re safe and okay, to make sure you stay mine. Why don’t you do the same for me? I thought you understood me.

We’ve known each other for years… what do you mean you deal with the same yet you don’t do ANYTHING that you say you do? Do you actually love me? Do you actually enjoy how I treat you?

Or am I just something you fetishized for years and finally have to the point you feel you don’t have to do those things anymore? How can I trust you?