#marvel why the hell do you hate loki huh why do you keep making him lose everything

[the-bi-fangirl-biatch]

the entire season they've shown sylvie perpetually being okay to just walk away from the fray and getting no consequences whatsoever. which would be ok since she doesn't rlly care about them like loki does. but in the end she just moves on so fast after she watched loki isolate himself and go off JUST to fix her mistake.......

meanwhile mobius is there, frozen in that time, left behind by the person he's an "expert" on not only bc of his job but bc of their friendship, him quitting the job that was his entire life, because loki has left and his previous purpose didn't have loki anymore

it's just fucked up how everyone else got their happy endings (good for them) except for loki and mobius. they're apart, separated once again, looking miserable in their last shots. just like last season.

[theabominableblogger]

My Reaction to “Avengers Endgame”

Yes- I still haven’t seen this movie.  Yes I know exactly what happens in this movie.  I mainly avoided it for a while due to overhype but with some convincing from my brother, Imma sit my butt down and try to watch this.

Pressing... play!

Right off the bat, I feel like I should warn you guys and say that I have... my opinions... about stuff.  Plus I’m a dumbass about Marvel so just bear with me.

I like that Disney Plus has to warn us about product placement

Clint!

Are we gonna see little Nathaniel running around- THERE he is!

We are gonna see Clint’s entire family get freaking obliterated

Is all the rumbling from the sky or are those airplanes freaking crashing to Earth in the distance?

What if they pulled a reverse WandaVision and showed the people getting snapped out of existence in a future film or show?  That would be freaking terrifying.

They’re [Tony and Nebula] playing paper football...

I wanna see more of THEIR interactions aboard the Milano.  The shots of them just repairing the ship are great too.

“I’m fine.  Totally fine.”  Everyone ever.

I also like you see the visual difference between Tony and Nebula.  While he’s growing gaunt and haggard from loss of oxygen, you can still see that Nebula looks absolutely fine because she’s like 75% android

So between 1995 and now, what the heck has Carol been up to?

“Thanos wiped out... 50% of all living creatures.”  So like entire ecosystems are just demolished.

*anthropology major part of my brain scrambling for answers*

“We lost.  And you [Steve] weren’t there.”  HE WAS IN WAKANDA!

Wait so the arc reactor ISN’T in Tony’s chest anymore?

“Where the hell have you [Carol] been all this time?”  Good question!

*silently bops to opening theme*

For some reason, I just really want the ship radio to randomly turn on so you just see everyone sitting awkwardly as “Piano Man” plays over the speakers

*Thanos slowly cooks his food*  Faster, all together now!  COOKING CAN BE FUN!

“I [Thanos] used the stones to destroy the stones.”  ...what?

“I am...[Thanos] inevitable.”  *starts humming “Inevitable” from TGWDLM*

“I [Thor] went for the head.”  YES YOU DID

[FIVE YEARS LATER] All righty so we’re doing this

*gasps*  Is... Steve running the therapy sit downs like Sam did in “The Winter Soldier”?  That’s awesome.  I really like this tidbit.

I’m also really liking Alan Silvestri’s score for this so far

I’m really trying not to nitpick but I feel like it would take more than 5 years for greenery to just completely overtake a suburban neighborhood

Also wow pre COVID life looks great you guys

“There’s a part of me that doesn’t even wanna find him.”  Are they talking about... Clint?  Is Clint just going the full vigilante route?

DOES HE KILL PEOPLE?!?

I really like Steve and Natasha’s friendship in these movies but for some reason I don’t feel like we get enough of Natasha for me to get behind her on an emotional standpoint

Are they gonna use the quantum realm to jumpstart the multiverse for Phase 4?

Also speaking of multiverse, I honestly really don’t want Spiderman:  No Way Home or Wandavision to get too cluttered by that

I like Tony’s lake house.  And he got a whole vegetable garden going too.  Kudos!

The little kid who plays Morgan Stark is adorable

“Not if we strictly follow the rules of time travel.”  Which we obviously won’t.

“We’re gonna need a really big brain.”  So where the [expletive] is Banner?

“Stranger danger.”  *snorts*

“Dab!”  *rolls eyes*

So is the whole Professor Hulk thing permanent?  I know he’s gonna be in the She-Hulk show but I’m wondering how they’re gonna tackle that.  And they’re gonna have Tim Roth too!

*smiles when Tony takes Morgan to bed*

Steve Rogers here [when they do the first time travel tests] is a Look ™

Maybe don’t let the GIANT GREEN MAN keep pressing a bunch of tiny tiny important buttons on a dashboard

*laughs at Steve shaking his head in disbelief when they finally bring Scott back*

*Tony’s car races toward the Avengers base*  NYOOOMMMM

*Tony rolls down his window*  It’s Britney, bitch

“And maybe not die trying.”  And you definitely will.

This whole bit where Scott keeps losing his dorito only to get another one from Bruce feels like a Doritos commercial.

*jams out to "Supersonic Rocket Ship by The Kinks*

Did they just keep reducing the green pigment for Hulk or what?

*sighs when they reveal Fat!Thor*

MIEK’S ALIVE!

Please tell me Noobmaster69 is Kid Loki, whom we meet in the Loki series

“Don’t... say that name.”  “Yeah we actually don’t say that name here.”  I like this.  I like that Thor has so much resentment for killing Thanos at the wrong time and that he felt that could have done better cause he’s A GOD.  So the fact that THANOS was on equal level and BEAT HIM-

Hawkeye’s killing people

This sword fight’s great [between the Yakuza person and Clint]

WHY DIDN’T THEY BUILD ON THIS [Clint and Natasha’s connection] ???

*laughs when Rhodey suggests killing baby Thanos*

These shots of Clint going through the Quantum Realm looks like something straight out of Andy Park’s concept art and that’s awesome

“Well I [Scott] haven’t [encountered an Infinity Stone] but I don’t even know what the hell you’re all talking about.”  *snorts*

“The Aether, firstly, is not a stone.”  Thank you!

The little glance Nebula gives after Thor mentions the Dark Elves just make me think that somewhere down the road, she has either A) encountered them or B) has encountered other Asgardians besides Thor

“Guys if you pick the right year, there are three stones in New York.”  “Shut the front door.”  *laughs*

Also underrated trio:  Steve, Natasha, and Bruce.  Gimme more.

Wait a minute, in 2012, Doctor Strange wasn’t active yet.  So are they gonna go see- OOOOOOOHHHHHH

[NEW YORK 2012] Oh here we go

*cracks up when Bruce very half-assedly smashes stuff on the street*

“I’m looking for Doctor Strange.”  “You’re about five years too early.”  Wait a minute.

HOW DOES SHE [the Ancient One] KNOW?!?

*giggles at Thor and Rocket sneaking in the background with a bored Loki in focus*

“That’s my [Thor’s] mother.  She dies today.”  I love this scene already.

Also WHY IS THOR- or the Thor films in general- have like the most well written characters in the whole canon?

It’s those movies, Guardians 2, The Winter Soldier, Civil War, aaand.... I can’t think of any more of them. 

Oh yeah and WANDAVISION cause THAT HIT ME LIKE A TRUCK-

Rocket just said he thinks of the Guardians as his family I’m gonna die...

What about their [Natasha and Rhodey’s] friendship?!?  I want more of that!

“Ronan’s obsession... clouds his judgment.”  ...HUH

*Thanos uses his sword to lift up Nebula’s chin*  Aw heck no

“As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass.”  *has to take a second before nodding in agreement*

Wait is that Jasper Stillwell?

“Flick me.”  That bit alone could be taken out of context

“We’re in route to Doctor List.”  Who’s Doctor List?  Is that a code name?

“Hail Hydra.”  THE BASTARDS WENT AND DID IT

Please tell me this hand off scene is gonna be the opening for the Loki show.  Please tell me this is gonna happen.

*Loki takes the Tesseract again*  AND HE’S GOOONNNEE!!

LET’S GET TO FREAKING JUNE ALREADY!

*ends up quoting “Yeah, I know, I know” along with Steve*

I’m really glad Tilda Swinton actually came back for this cameo

*keeps slapping my laptop screen when people keep saying Doctor Strange made a mistake when it was an explicit point in Infinity War where he encountered 14 million other AUs to find the best result*

Are you telling me that this whole plan could derail because Nebula accidentally hacked into her own WiFI network?  Are you seriously doing this?

*Thanos and Ebony Maw scan Nebula’s duplicate memory bank and track her down*  Are you freaking kidding me?

...I have 96 minutes left?!?

“The future hasn’t been kind to you [Thor], has it?”  Frigga is underrated

So for these shots with Jane, are they just reusing different shots from Thor 2 or just footage from deleted scenes?

Can we talk about how Frigga is absolutely the best parent Thor has?  Meanwhile her husband ODIN is like “oh yeah by the way you have a secret sister totes magotes i’ll die now byeeee”

*sings along with “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone*

*laughs when we cut to Quill just very badly singing along to his iPod in the distance*

I want a bonus short with just Rhodey and Nebula doing their thing

*Nebula gets her memory taken over by 2014 Thanos*  Nooooooo...

Are the glasses that Tony wears here part of EDITH from “Far From Home” or are they like a prototype?

Also I haven’t seen “Far From Home” yet because Sony hates me

Doctor Zola?!?

*jams out to the music playing when we see Hank Pym’s lab*

“A little girl would be nice.  Less of a chance that she’ll end up exactly like me [Howard Stark].”  *gasps softly*

Oh my God, he’s [Steve] in Peggy’s office

Alan Silvestri is really killing it with this score

JARVIS!!

Wait and that’s the guy from “Agent Carter”!

Ohhh that shot’s [of Thanos’s ship coming out of the clouds] awesome...

*2014 Nebula hands Thanos the Pym particles*  Oh are you kidding me...

The CGI for Red Skull is also awesome

*gasps when Natasha reveals that she never knew her dad’s name when Red Skull told it to her*

*is super bummed out when Natasha sacrifices herself*

Kevin Feige really went and said “so Phases 3 and 4 are gonna make everybody cry” and the writers went “YES”

Wait doesn’t Cap go and return the stones at the end of the movie?  How’s he gonna handle meeting Red Skull on Vormir then?

“It’s like... I [Bruce] was made for this.”  Please someone get Mark Ruffalo his own Hulk movie before he combusts from giving out more spoilers

So Thanos used the Pym particles to time travel then.  Honestly that’s kinda genius

I just noticed that Scott shrank himself right as the explosion hit the windows

I really want someone to just drop one F-bomb somewhere in the MCU and I really hope it’s Clint because he would 100% say it

*starts singing “Hollaback Girl” when Thanos arrives*

Here’s my question;  how did Thanos acquire Nebula then?  With Gamora, it was with the genocide of her people.

“We [Gamora to Nebula] can stop him.”  LET’S GO!

[Thor uses his storm powers to summon both Stormbreaker and Mjolnir] *softly* Ohhhhh that’s badass...

Now I’m just imagining the cast just in the green screen room just hitting Josh Brolin with a bunch of foam weapons and making all the sound effects while poor Josh is just struggling under the weight of the Thanos reference head on his mocap suit

Who does the voice for FRIDAY?

AN:  Irish actress named Kerry Condon

*Steve deems himself worth to wield Mjolnir*  OKKAAYY OKAAYY

Love how Thanos is like “yes, I’m gonna stab you with an AXE”

“In all my years of conquest...”  Steve you suuuucckkk...

Are we getting the Chitauri again?

“On your left.”  *laughs incredulously*  O-ohhh my God...

*Everyone starts coming out of the portals*  Oh my God I’m getting chills

I would have lost my mind in the theater

I HAVE ACTUAL GOOSEBUMPS RUNNING ALL OVER ME.  This is how good this is

WAIT ARE THOSE THE RAVAGER SHIPS ABOVE THEM?!?

“Avengers... assemble.”  Oh my God this is amazing!

M’BAKU!

Also “Endgame” really just said “We are KILLING FOOLS TODAY”

How are they gonna tackle Peter and Gamora’s relationship in Guardians 3?

[Horn plays La Cucaracha] LET’S GO

God I’m gonna turn feral

*has to pause to scream in excitement when Wanda touches down in front of Thanos to fight him*

*puts hands on head*  OHH MY GOOOOODDDDD

They’re literally just playing Keep Away with a teenage boy.  Marvel, everybody.

*Captain Marvel destroys Thanos’s ship*  WELL IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH

OK I got mixed feelings about that [the girl power team up scene]

*Thanos unsuccessfully headbutts Carol*  Oh shit!

*Doctor Strange holds up one finger*  Oh my God this is it

Someone definitely tore off when Thanos pushed Tony off

It was in that moment he [Thanos] knew- he effed up

*All of Thanos’s army dissipates*  Byeee...

Is it bad that I’m not crying at Tony’s death?

*gasps when Peter reunites with Ned at school*

Wait the whole time heist takes place within ONE DAY?

“I love you 3000.”  I really hope we see Morgan again somewhere in one of the movies or shows.  Actually a cool way to reincorporate her would be in the Ironheart series whenever they make it

Even Drax is wearing black!

It’s the “We should be getting therapy but we got a TV show instead” trio [Wanda, Bucky, and Sam]

Wait is that guy- was that guy- the little kid from Iron Man 3?

AN:  Yes

So right after this funeral, Wanda’s gonna storm SWORD right?

AN:  This was finished up on 2/26 so probably YES

*Thor crowns Valkyrie the new leader of New Asgard*  I now cannot wait for “Thor Love and Thunder”

Wait Peter’s looking for Gamora!

Still cannot believe that the time travel suits are completely CGI

I know they had a body double for Chris Evans here but I do think it would have been cool if they used the body double’s voice for Old Steve instead of Chris trying to sound old

He [Steve] put the shield in an art portfolio bag...

*says “No, no I don’t think I will” along with Steve*

*silently jams out to “It’s Been a Long, Long Time” playing during the credits*

Wait and that was the song Fury was playing in “Winter Soldier”

Oh they even got the actual signatures!  That’s awesome!

[justalokifanaccount]

Episode 5-Play by Play Reactions (Spoilers)

Bruh I’m so friggin excited

Thanks for reminding me of mobius and Loki being pruned… I totally needed that

Man tom has really beautiful eyes

IM SO EXCITED FOR ALLIGATOR LOKI

Back in the TVA huh?

Upside down Dutch camera angle huh?

I really hope they introduce Kang, I mean, Ravonna IS Kang’s GF in the comics

Okay we left the TVA

Ruined New York purgatory?

Digging this soundtrack

Alioth??? Hello??? Who is you???

Ravonna doesn’t know either? Hmmm I don’t trust her

BRUH I CALLED IT!!! THEY CANT DESTROY TIMELINES THEY CAN ONLY CUT THEM OFF

I don’t believe her… if she really wanted to know who was behind this after watching the timekeepers prove to be fake then why on earth would she prune Loki then huh?

GATOR LOKI IS SO CUTE

Damn emotional Loki

“Which I’m heartbroken to report I didn’t even find all that strange.” Poor baby

Bruh stop trippin

Bruh I’m trying so hard not to laugh rn. The way old Loki is talking to alligator Loki is killing me. I have been watching Jessie recently with the kids I babysit and now I’m being reminded of Mrs. Kipling, the Asian water monitor.

Loki is so done with this lmaoo

Okay wow these subtitles are having big trouble keeping up and staying accurate…

Poor Loki lmao

Kid Loki killed thor oh my gosh

How??? Why??? But Loki isn’t evil!!! Well, maybe THIS version is I guess…

Oh hey Mjolnir

Wait what’s in the jar?? IS THAT FROG THOR? THROG?? OH MY GOSH IT IS

Bruh they all have glorious purposes

Loki don’t be a simp

Mall Santa throne

Miss minutes is back

Miss minutes is sus

I still don’t trust Ravonna

Called it

Treacherous biotch

She’s behind it I know it. Working for her BF Kang

She’s behind it bruh I know

Just one good memory?? AGHHHHHH MY BELOVED

She pruned herself!!!

SYLVIE MY BELOVED

Lmaooooo black Loki liar

Haha alligator Loki ate the neighbors cat

Bruh I’m getting major Paradigm vibes (you need to check out that game if you haven’t)

“But blades are worthless in face of a Loki sorcery” at least THIS man gets it

He missed his brother and of course the TVA goes “hahaha no you’re not allowed.”

God of Outcasts is better than the Loser Club don’t @ me

Sooo whats black Lokis past then? And what about more of kids Loki?

Lmao sounds terrifying as a woman Loki

Please don’t make Sylvie the crutch to save the day. Let tom hiddleston be the hero please

They’re gonna laugh at his plan

Called it

OH EVEN MORE LOKIS HOW LOVELY

PRESIDENT LOKI

Oh hey Sylvie

You in a nest?

Oh my

Girl you better run

Hahahahaha uh oh

Oh my! She’s sending stuff

MOBIUS OH MY GOSH YES

I’m calling it now it’s him

YES YES YES YES YES

HELL YEA MY GUY

Two tom Hiddleston’s

So how did he get an army

Lmao

The chaos is palpable

OH??????

WHAT

ALLIGATOR LOKI BIT OFF PRESIDENT LOKIS HAND AND THEN HE SCREAMED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL

I’m not so happy about the way that ended. At least not with the girlish scream from president Loki… seemed wildly out of character.

I’m so confused

I have no idea how to feel

Lmao TVA Loki is so damn confused and over everything

Alligator Loki didn’t betray you!! He’s a good boy!

How do you know it’s a death sentence??? Huh??? Maybe it’s the answer!

Sooo does every single pruned person ever get sent here or his mobius also a Loki?

HAHAHA I CALLED IT! ALIOTH IS THE ANSWER.

Cannibals huh? Lovely

Hold on guys it’s Lokis love

“Is he a coward or is he being brave?” “Not too sure.” Same

REUNION BABY

Us as an alligator

Stop bickering

Please please please give Loki a good moment. Let him be badass please for God’s sake

What happened to the hunter from the last episode?

Oh here we are

Please they better not hurt her

I know she wasn’t trustworthy. Gosh I hate Renslayer.

She’s still tryna protect whoever gave her power. Renslayer I will revel in your defeat.

Man I’ve missed mobius

Mobius cares about Loki!!! Even Sylvie knows!

Wdym it’s cold? Homie your a frost giant

LOKI CAN CONJURE BLANKIES. New fanfic idea oh heck yea.

Lmao oh great they’re in denial about feelings

Awkward teens in love

You have Loki!

Oh gosh the awkward tension!

AWWWWW HE SHARED THE BLANKET

It’s like watching two awkward teenagers on their first date ever in their lives.

Yea loki but you were also betrayed by your father and home sooooo

Loki. You know you can be happy without ruling.

Together.

Oh my gosh my heart is loving the awkwardness

What the freak are those bird like things

Still better than the devils anus

I need Sylvie to teach Loki how to enchant

He’s sticking beside her

FLAME SWORD HELL YEA

Conjured a hilt. Can you please conjure a badass asgardian outfit too?

Burn it to the ground.

OH MY GOSH I KOVE THEM ALL

Hug

Hug

Hug

Please

YESSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

HE CALLED MOBIUS A FRIEND

Mobius how dare you call Sylvie your favorite

Tom you will always be my favorite

Reminds me kind of Dormamu

The skull in alioth looks like a wolf skull

Loki if you get yourself killed I’ll never forgive you

Is this where he does the come and get me?

CALLED IT

Flame sword babyyyy

What’s going to work? Teeeeaaaamwork

LOKI TEAM UP

HOLY CRAP THAT LOKI IS POWERFUL

HOMIE RECREATED ASGARD

HOLY CRAP

ENCHANT TOGETHER YESSS

OH MY GOSH

THIS IS SO COOL

Cmon Loki you can do it!!

Save old Loki cmon!

YESSSSSSAAAA

SAVE HIM PLEASE

Please

Pease

Please

Glorious purpose

Don’t die please

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No….. MARVEL STOP KILLING OUR LOKIS FOR GOD SAKE

They did it! But old Loki is gone… and I’m sad…

Where’s kid Loki and gator Loki?

Are we not gonna see black Loki again? I was excited for him

Don’t you dare go to credits

YOU SONNUVA

At least it ended on a happier note this time…

But I miss old Loki already… please tell me he’s not dead… but I suppose since pruning already doesn’t kill them, it’d be cheap to have Alioth also not kill them..

Rest In Peace old Loki. You died with honor in battle… you will be in Valhalla. I know it.

I heard the Kablooie gum was a reference to Calvin and Hobbes and lemme just say that is the best thing ever

Dang no end credit or mid credit scene

Wow this was a crazy episode. Some parts I loved, some parts I was very much not happy with. Mostly the scene with president Loki. I hoped that would be much longer and that it would play more into the overall story, not just a throwaway scene to reference a comic and have a quick laugh. I’m fine with alligator Loki biting off that Loki’s hand, but not with the childish scream afterwards… that felt very out of character.

Can’t wait for the final episode!!! Nothing better happen to Loki or Sylvie. I hope we get to see the other Lokis again. I also want to know more about kid Loki and black Loki. Why did kid Loki kill Thor and how? What’s up with black Loki and what was his nexus event? We didn’t even get to learn about his hammer. I’m fine with not learning about alligator Loki. It’s fine to have that be a fun mystery imo. It was funny seeing throg very briefly too. But I have too many questions that I know won’t be answered in only one more episode which is disappointing. Maybe we can learn more in the supposedly confirmed season two? I hope so. I’m really curious about how they are going to wrap things up and what the fates of everyone will be. I hope this isn’t an isolated event that doesn’t tie into phase four at all. I really want Loki in Multiverse of Madness. Not just Sylvie although idk if we can get both of them in, but I don’t want this show to be Sophia Di Martino’s only appearance in the MCU.

I trust tom Hiddleston but I know marvel doesn’t always allow him to shine through as much as he could. I’m so hopeful for this show but my anxiety is also skyrocketing.

[lavender-lotion]

Peter/tony/Loki first date

There is Much Crab!

Mature | No Archive Warnings Apply | M/M, Multi | Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) | Loki/Thor (Marvel), Loki/Peter Parker/Thor | Loki (Marvel), Thor (Marvel), Peter Parker | Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Chubby Thor, Pining, First Dates, Sushi, Courtship, Teasing, Flirting, Confessions

***

Read here on AO3!

***

Peter leaned back against the booth’s cushion with a smile, watching as an intense look of concentration fell over Thor’s face. It was funny, seeing as they were in the middle of lunch and Thor was currently frowning down at a plate of crab tempura as though it held the secret to all of life’s mysteries.

“And what is this?” Thor asked, like he had with every item that he had tried thus far, poking the piece of tempura with a single chopstick. Despite Peter’s best attempts, he hadn’t been able to teach Thor how to use both chopsticks at once. The god had eventually given up when he realized he could just spear things through the middle.

“That’s also crab,” Peter told him with a smile, grabbing a roll and popping it into his mouth. He’d been glad to see that sushi hadn’t changed much in the last five years. The menu at his favourite place had changed, but at least it was still open.

“There is much crab!” Thor boomed, loud enough that a hush fell over the rest of the restaurant. Peter’s eyes darted around, but they were only watched for a minute before everyone else went back to their own meals.

“Yeah, I really like crab,” Peter said quietly, ducking his head a bit. Was he seriously getting embarrassed about his sushi preferences? Yep, he was. Because what if Thor didn’t like sushi? He had ordered everything himself, had been told to, since he was the only one who’d ever actually been for sushi before. He just got all the things he usually got, but what if they didn’t like it?

This was why Peter hated taking people to food places. This was why he hated taking people he liked to food places—not that he’d ever done that before. As much as Peter wished it was, this wasn’t a date, of that he was sure. Or mostly sure. Because in the next moment, Loki stretched his arm out across the back of the booth and Peter could feel the warmth from his skin along the back of his neck.

He shivered.

Apparently Thor noticed this, as he said, “I do not think it fair that I have to sit alone while the two of you get to sit so close to one another.”

Oh god. Of course Thor was jealous Peter was sitting beside Loki and he wasn’t. Over the last few weeks of…well, of them all trying to carry on, he had certainly noticed how close the two of them were. Closer than Peter thought brothers usually were. They touched more than Peter touched anyone—something Peter had noticed in a not exactly family-friendly way.

But when they had walked in, Thor had sat on one side and Loki had sat on the other and Peter had just followed Loki into the seat. Maybe Thor was upset that Loki hadn’t sat with him? He was definitely the more affectionate of the two, with Loki being much more subtle with the intimacy he initiated with Thor than Thor was.

“That’s because you take up a whole seat, brother,” Loki drawled lazily, picking up another piece of sushi with his chopsticks and managing to eat it primly. Huh. Peter’s eyes snapped back to Thor, worried that he was right and Thor would ask him to move, so he noticed when Thor’s face went dark. Loki must have noticed it too, as he said, “That was not a slight against your new frame, Thor.”

“Right,” he said, but even Peter didn’t believe him.

“I-I think you look more handsome like this,” Peter said quietly, quickly grabbing a roll and dipping it in soy sauce so he wouldn’t have to see Thor’s face. “Especially since you went to that barber Mr. Falcon took you too. Your—uh, your beard is really nice when it’s so long, Mr. Thor.”

Peter risked a quick glance up, his heart skyrocketing as he found Thor’s eyes trained on him intently. Peter didn’t know what to do with the heavy look on Thor’s face, but the way his lips were tilted into a sweet smile made him blush, his cheeks going warm.

The roll fell from Peter’s chopsticks when a warm hand landed on his thigh and squeezed. He looked up quickly, getting lost in Loki’s endlessly green eyes as the man stared at him with a dark look. Loki leaned in, so, so close, and Peter make a weak noise in the back of his throat even as his heart climbed into his chest and made a home there.

Their noses nearly touched. That was how close Loki came before he turned, his nose gently skipping over the skin of Peter’s temple before his chin brushed Peter’s hair. He felt everything, every shift Loki made vibrated throughout Peter’s entire body, everything dialed up all the way to twelve and making it difficult to even breathe.

“I must agree with our boy, brother,” Loki purred, his lips so close to Peter’s that he could feel Loki’s breath. He shivered, his head falling forward weakly. His gaze landed on his leg, and he was unable to take his eyes off the way Loki’s hand wrapped around his thigh so completely. “I have never loved you more than I have these last weeks. Alive, and whole, and happy after so long.”

“Y-you went through a lot, Mr. Thor,” Peter pointed out, and then realized that probably wasn’t too helpful.

“So have you, little one,” Thor said deeply, his voice rough.

Peter nodded quickly, trying to push away some of the grief that was rising up his belly and wrapping around his heart. “Yeah, and it’s okay. We all handle things differently. A-are you happy?”

“In this moment I feel quite joyous,” Thor said quietly, his words only for the two of them. Peter let his foot slide forward until he could gently place it atop Thor’s as Loki reached across the table and took his brother’s hand.

“That’s good. That’s really good. And that’s—that’s what matters. We’ve all—” Peter’s voice cracked, and he covered Loki’s hand with his own when it squeezed comfortingly. “We’ve all lost a lot. And that’s okay. Because we still have each other, and everyone else who’s left. And we’ll keep fighting for them.”

“You are very wise, little spider,” Loki’s voice was smooth as silk, and Peter shivered when he felt the man’s lips brushed the sensitive skin of his neck.

“Loki,” Thor said. His voice had an edge to it that Peter hadn’t heard before, and when he looked up Thor was staring at them with dark eyes. “Do not get ahead of yourself, brother. We have not yet requested a courtship, if you do remember.”

“A c-courtship?” Peter squeaked, his voice crack having absolutely nothing to do with the way Loki’s hand was trailing up his thigh. Nope.

“Yes, little spider,” Loki whispered. “My brother and I wish to court you, if you would be so willing.”

“W-what does courting entail?”

“Gifts, outings, time spent together in private,” Loki’s hand trailed over his growing erection at the same moment as his lips caught Peter’s ear lobe, sucking gently. Peter nearly came, his entire locking up as pleasure shot through him, making him gasp as his mouth fell open and his eyes fluttered closed.

“Loki,” Thor snapped, and in the next moment Loki was gone, pulling back but keeping his hand on Peter’s thigh, sliding it closer to his knee than his crotch. “Not here, brother.”

Peter took a shaky breath, filling his lungs and expanding his chest even if it didn’t feel like enough. His belly was warm, and he knew his face was flushed. Hell, he could feel a bead of sweat on his forehead even as he swallowed around a dry tongue.

Fuck, he was seconds away from coming in his goddamn pants and Loki had barely touched him. Impressive, Peter, real freaking impressive.

“That was inappropriate. I apologize.” Peter felt cold now that Loki wasn’t pressed against him.

There was something dark in the man’s voice that Peter didn’t like, and he covered Loki’s hand with his hand, dragging it back up his thigh as he said, “I-it’s okay. I liked it. I really liked it.”

“Did you, little one?”

“I—well, I actually really like the both of you,” Peter told them quickly, rushing the words out before he got too scared to say them.

“That is very good to hear little spider,” Loki told him, before Thor took over and said, “As we really like you as well.”

“Oh,” Peter breathed out, looking back and forth between the two them quickly. They both looked so serious, but it took Peter a while to really believe it—to believe that these two men could really want him. God, it was like a freaking dream come true!

“Let us finish this crab, and then we may go somewhere more…intimate,” Loki murmured, darting forward like a snake for another piece of fish. Peter gave him a fond smile, then turned to Thor to find a similar look on his face.

His smile widened, and he knocked his foot against Thor’s ankle as he said, “I would love that.”

[vampirefreakism]

The Scientist (Chapter 26)

Summary: In the events following Asgard’s destruction, Loki finds himself on Earth seeking refuge to await the inevitable. Much to his surprise, it comes from a source he would never have expected.

AO3 Link

The Soundtrack So Far

Warnings: some fluff, some tension, idk ice? cold stuff?

Word count: 3.9k

A/N: Tell me something: why do I have to make these chapters so long? Why can't I be a more normal writer and release chapters that are, at most, 2k words in length? At this rate, I'll be 250k+ words before I'm done and omfg that's an "at least" prediction. Anywho, I'm seeing Captain Marvel tomorrow, and I am so excited. My soul might leave my body and transcend into the next dimension all from my love for women. Hell to the yeah, folks.

Masterlist

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The voice of the newscaster resounded about the shared apartment, holding the attention of one Norse god. His human companion sat near him, on the floor, still in the process of fixing his damaged armored suit. The rips and tears littering it were all stitched up using various techniques, and the scuffs and stains all distant memories. The boots and shoulder pieces, however, were a challenge. They were not ripped but scraped and frayed. Such damage to hard material could not be sewn back together or scrubbed clean with soap, water, and alcohol.

Luna grabbed a few extra items from her room – quick-dry epoxy, a scrap piece of cardboard, and a flat stick – she believed would work in laying down and repairing the tattered areas. Loki kept a watchful eye on her, as he always did when she handled his close personal belongings. She didn’t mind. It was the one time she meddled in the things she hadn’t bought him, so as per common decency, she handled them in front of him.

“You think that’ll work?” Loki chimed, his green gaze set on the woman seated on the floor.

She lifted her eyes to meet his. “In fixing it? I sure hope so.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“I just keep trying different things until I feel like giving up.” Luna returned her attention to the shoulder piece.

She smoothed the clear epoxy mix firmly and carefully till it was too tacky to continue. Slowly, she switched to the other side. The layers made it tricky, but she had all evening if she didn’t want to leave the house. Loki was satisfied for the moment, the fridge was stocked with enough leftovers to last them the weekend, and, in case they were plagued by unwanted sleepless nights or the occasional dark emotion, the freezer had plenty of ice cream pints.

Loki stuck to his program. The subject matter interested him in a way Luna could not fathom. To each his own, she reminded herself. If he didn’t attempt to create unrest under her roof, he could do as he liked. She liked the peace in her home too much to let someone else disturb it. It seemed he liked it as well and took steps on his own to ensure it.

Satisfied with the job she had done, Luna slowly got up, suit top in hand, and walked it to the empty chairs by the counter. She set it down on one, resting the undried epoxy patches away from any surface. She dusted her hands. Another job well-done, if she said so herself.

Upon returning from putting her supplies back where they came from, Loki called her attention.

“Tell me, who is that?” He pointed to the television playing a local news station, in particular at the figure the story was about.

“Him?” Luna confirmed. “That’s our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.”

“Oh, I know that but who is he exactly? Beneath the mask?” Loki was a tad perturbed.

Luna shrugged and lied. “I wouldn’t know. I don’t think anyone does.”

“They trust a hero they cannot see? Odd concept.” The master of lies believed her. Another victory of the day.

“I'm sure people are skeptical, but he's never done anything malicious, and he helps out the little guy. You know, the underappreciated.” A little slice of truth for him.

“Huh. I suppose he is appealing.” Loki crossed his arms and observed the individual clad in red and blue. “Is he an Avenger?”

Luna chuckled, shaking her head. “Oh, no. No, he is not. Good thing, too.”

“How come? He seems capable enough.” Luna paused.

“Because, uh, he, uh, that’s his job. You know, he’s more of a freelance vigilante than one tied to an organization like the Avengers.” She could see the look on Loki’s face. He didn’t believe her for a second. “You know, I don’t really know. You know I mainly keep to myself, so any newbies go right under my nose.” She waved a hand in the air.

“Mm-hm.” Loki eyed her, not sounding convinced, but he didn’t need to be yet. Luna feigned ignorance well enough.

The pair watched the rest of the program with Luna now perched atop the couch arm. She was at a loss for what to fill the rest of her afternoon and evening with. The oncoming snow storm looked to be getting worse each day it didn't show. There was residual fear of being snowed in, or at least cautioned to not venture outside. Shopping needed to be done, and additional activities had to be seen to, for either of the apartment occupants could easily succumb to cabin fever. Loki was a patient fellow and didn’t show his restlessness easily, but he hated being cooped up as much as Luna did.

An idea popped into her head, making Luna snap her fingers. “Hey, after we do some shopping, how about we do something?”

“What kind of something?”

“A fun something, at least before it snows. Like, uh,” she tapped her lower lip, “ooh! Like ice skating! If we go now, we can make it before there are too many people.”

“Ice skating?” Loki was perplexed. “Where would we be going?”

"Rockefeller Center," Luna said as she scurried to her room. “It's stunning this time of year." She called out. She shuffled back into the living room, phone in hand. “Ok, I can reserve some tickets online. So, yes or no?”

“This place is not in Manhattan…is it?” Loki asked tentatively.

Luna paused. “Yeah, but you’ll be fine. It’ll be fine,” she said quickly, waving a hand around. “Come on, let’s get ready. We need to at least get you a coat before we’re snowed in for a week.”

--------------------

“You know, I don’t even really need the coat. My jacket is enough,” Loki said, grabbing cradling his rental skates. The new garment reminded him a bit too much of his Stuttgart outfit, and it was wholly disconcerting.

Luna picked up her pair after him. “I am aware, Mr. The-Cold-Never-Bothered-Me-Anyway, but it is about 30 degrees out and getting colder, and since we’re going to be around a lot of people, you not wearing a coat would be cause for alarm.” She hastened over to a free bench and sat down. Loki followed suit and took his place by her side.

He watched as she pulled her boots off, stretched a foot out, and force it into the bladed skating boot. She repeated the action with her other foot and laced them up with practiced precision. Loki looked at his own and copied her to the best of his ability. The crisscross of the laces he was able to get, but their desired tightness proved more difficult.

Luna had tested her laces a few times – loosening them, retying them, standing up, and repeated the procedure – before Loki first finishing his. Luna stood upright and firm as though she were on the flats of her feet, not balanced on the edges of twin blades. She shifted her weight from left to right and felt satisfied. Loki mimicked her, but he did not feel the same.

With a stumble, he sat down and roughly undid his laces. Luna, noticing his agitated state, sat back in her spot.

“Aren’t you supposed to be an expert with the blade?” She joked, hoping to dissipate some of Loki’s frustration.

“Yes, in wielding them. Not wearing them.” He quipped back with an evident edge in his voice.

Luna knocked the edge of her boot against his. “You can wield these too. They can cause some serious damage if they’re sharp enough. I’ve pricked myself on my own skates more times than I can count when I was younger.”

Loki fiddled with the stray lace. “You did this a lot?”

“Oh, yes. I used to be quite the figure skater.” Luna smiled, recalling the memories from her youth.

“Figure skater?” Loki pondered, knitting his brows. None of his investigative endeavors have yet provided an inkling of this kind of information. He was curious.

“It’s like ballet, but on the ice.” Luna glanced down at Loki’s still-undone boots. “Here, let me do that for you.” She twisted around to straddle the bench they sat on and spun her hand around, gesturing for Loki to do the same. He did as she asked and faced her full-on.

Wishing to get on with the task, Luna gave Loki’s left leg two firm pats for him to lift it. She had to scoot back once he stretched it out. It was easy to forget how long he was. She maneuvered his foot into a proper resting position and got to work, loosening and retightening his shoe.

Loki felt the tap-tap of her fingers through the thick material, but her light touch barely preoccupied his thoughts. It was clear he did not know everything about her and his snooping could only take him so far. He wondered how much her Avengers knew. If they knew more than him. He felt jealousy grow at the prospect of missing out. However inconsequential it may be, Loki loved being the first in the know about everything.

Tentatively, he continued the conversation. “You miss it?”

Luna looked up from her task. “Hmm?” With his head, Loki gestured to the skate in her hand. “Oh. Uh, yeah.” She nodded, a little despondent. “I almost completed my training when I had to stop.”

“What made you? Stop, I mean.”

“School.” She jerked his foot a bit as she fastened the laces around the metal loops. “I had to choose between spending my time practicing triple axels and working on homework and, well,” she chuckled, “my three science degrees should be enough to tell you what my decision was.” A few more tugs and a knotted bow finished the job. “Alright, circle your foot around. You want it to feel firm on the joint, but not painfully so.” Slowly, Loki lifted his foot and rotated it clockwise, switching directions once he felt satisfied. “How is it?” Luna asked.

“It’s good,” Loki muttered.

“Good,” Luna echoed, smiling lazily and placing a hand on his opposite knee. “Now for the next one.”

--------------------

Loki, gripping the edge of the rink wall, stood as static as his body would allow. “So how on earth do you move with these?” He was capable on the ice, but the kind he has experienced in the past was always blanketed with a thin layer of snow. The surface beneath him now beheld no such traction.

Before him, Luna kept a watchful eye on his posture. “You just, you know, stand. Like this.” She presented her feet, the blades positioned in a small V. “And push with the edge.” Her foot facing away propelled her forward to Loki’s side.

“I've been doing that, and it's not working.”

“That’s because you’re treating it like you’re walking.”

“Oh, you make it sound so easy.” Loki sneered a little.

Luna let out a low groan and moved backward to stand face-to-face with him. "Pretend you’re dancing. Feel the ice beneath you and use it. Follow it as you would a partner. And, if you want,” she held her gloved hands out, “I can help lead you.”

Loki kept watch of her open hands as he slowly extended one of his towards them. Settling a firm grasp on the one he held, he let the other follow. “Don’t worry, I got you,” Luna sent him a sweet smile, careful not to lose her grip on him. Loki presented himself as calm. He had captured the attention of the right person and, though he loved attention, was intent on not drawing more.

“Now, stand up a little straighter and push gently.” Loki did as he was told and pushed with the blade at an angle. Luna glided backward, guiding him steadily over the shallow divots in the ice. “And again. And again. See?” With a pivot of her foot, she swiveled to stand beside Loki, still holding onto the hand furthest from the wall. “Not so hard.”

Loki looked down at her, smirking a little, and nudged her. “Well, I have an excellent teacher.”

Luna giggled and bumped him back. “Hey, don’t jinx it just yet. The last time these skates were sharpened was probably during the time of Lewis and Clark, and this ice is already pretty cut, so it’s very easy to trip on.” A glance down confirmed her feet to be at a safe distance from Loki’s. “Fresh, smooth ice is like heaven to be on, but you probably know that already.”

Loki hummed in response. He had an idea of how it would be. Being on the ice at this moment was pleasant. In tandem, they skated in silence, staying close to the wall for safety but far enough away to let other struggling patrons cling to it.

The cold crept up on Loki, quickly and quietly. It didn’t hurt him like it would a human, but he knew it was there. The air alone took less from him than if he came into contact with the ice itself. One touch from his bare hand may expose him. He wasn’t willing to take the risk. Not in a crowded area filled with people whose lives he had directly affected. He was lucky to be holding the hand of someone with a giving and forgiving heart. The couples and families around him would not grant him as much grace, no matter what pretty lies he may spin.

His eyes strayed from the people in front of him to the decorations above and around him. The settling darkness in the sky enhanced the brightness of the colored lights. The ice reflected them, making it seem like he was floating above a white sea of rainbow stars. The Christmas tree stood high above them, a beacon of glad tidings during a happy season. A sweetness settled within Loki’s heart, but it did not come without a thin lining of bitterness.

“Answer me something,” he asked Luna.

“Okay,” she replied, keeping her voice hushed.

Loki paused, feeling the words circle about, and spoke. “Was this place destroyed?”

“When?” Luna knew what he was referring to, but she had to make sure.

“During…,” Loki looked down, “my first visit.”

“Probably,” she stated, “but look how nice it is right now.”

Loki didn’t bother. Visions of destruction plagued his mind, obscuring his view. He enjoyed the place and his present company. Thinking of it no longer existing didn’t sit well with him.

Luna sensed the storm brewing inside him and squeezed his hand. “Don’t dwell on it.”

“Why not? It’s my wrongdoing.”

“Because it doesn’t do any good. Dwelling never fixes anything.”

Loki blinked and looked down at the crown of Luna’s head as he regarded her statement. The first time she had confronted any issue regarding his past, and it was over and done with before he could spare any additional words. And how nonchalant she was about it. Loki was almost convinced she had forgotten about the incident or never heard of it. No, she was worlds smarter than that. Loki was the one who forgot and took her for granted. She was as merciful as she was gracious.

Yes, dwelling doesn’t fix anything. He would follow her example and brush it off for a time when it is a problem, for it wasn’t now.

Carefully, Loki changed the subject. “You know, many centuries ago, people used these as a method of transportation.”

Luna peered up at him, eager to know the context with which he spoke. A tilt of his head towards the ground gave her what she needed to continue.

“And you traveled with them, I suppose?”

Loki snickered. “Heavens, no. That was well before my time, around the era of my grandfather Bor’s rule.”

“Did you know him?”

He paused. “Also before my time.”

“I never knew my grandfathers either. One died of cancer; the other, a stroke.” Luna caught herself. It was early enough to stop. “Sorry. You didn’t need to know that.”

Alas, more information Loki couldn’t find in her diaries. “What do you know about them?” He had to know more.

“Well,” Luna assembled her words, “I know I would have liked one more than the other. But isn’t that how it is with all family?”

Loki let out a laugh. “How right you are.” Memories of times passed surfaced here and there in his thoughts. Yes, how right she was. If she only knew how much.

Unabashedly, as his gaze fell elsewhere, Luna admired him. She had gotten him to smile out of genuine amusement. And his laugh. A reward in and of itself. ‘Tamed the beast,’ an onlooker might say. But such a statement couldn’t be farther from the truth. He was no beast.

The two skated further around the rink, passing straggling children trying to stay on two feet and teens doing their best not to get too rowdy. No one bothered to notice them. Glances were spared only to prevent any unnecessary collisions. They spoke naught for they felt no need to. The peace they achieved at home had extended out past the threshold. To say the least, it was nice. Others could do the chattering in their place. Until, of course, one decided to take the reins.

“So, is it true?” Luna asked, a slight smirk making its way onto her face.

“Is what true?” Loki asked back, not bothering to look away from the ice before him.

“About Sleipnir?”

Confusion passed over Loki, as such a thing had not crossed his mind in many a moon. But, he caught on to what she meant and snickered lightly. “Dear, no. He was real, yes, but he was another being from before me. I took a liking to the creature while in my youth and most people mocked me for it, aptly calling me his ‘mother.’”

Luna smiled at the sentiment. “That’s nice you gave him company, though. How beautiful he must have been.”

“Quite so. A magnificent animal. Odin didn’t appreciate him properly, but then again, he rarely did with anything." Rather than get into another tense topic, Loki dispelled any increasing strain. “However, perhaps in another universe, he would have been my true son.”

Luna paused and tittered a little. “Yeah, and you would have vibrant red hair and a whole wife.”

“My goodness, just imagine!” Loki bolstered, pulling a laugh from her.

Moments like these granted him a precious second to admire the beauty of his young friend. Could he call her ‘friend?’ As he thought on how delightfully warm he found her smile, he found himself treading back into dangerous territory. Friends, in his experience, were never around for long and he was so blinded by the wishful thinking he couldn't catch their lies until it was too late for his heart. Maybe they did like him, but they never preferred him. Then again, they were not her. None from his past were like her, and perhaps it would be alright for him. But, for now, only the Norns could tell.

Before long, announcements were made for all active skaters to vacate the rink for the Zamboni to makes its rounds. Luna and Loki took their sweet time, unlike a select few who thought it would be fun to race to the exit. The loud, rapid scraping of their blades alerted those around to their oncoming presence; a presence Luna did not keep track of.

Heads were turned, and gazes averted. The instance spelled disaster. Luckily, Loki possessed a distinct taste for it. He felt the moment coming a breath before anyone else did. One individual was going too fast, got bumped by a friend, and was careening towards the spot Luna was gliding towards. With a rough yank, Loki took hold of her and moved her out of the stranger’s path. He held her tight against the wall to prevent her from slipping and rendering his efforts naught. The stranger recovered quickly, threw them an apology, and continued on their way.

The two stood for a spell; Loki’s arms around her torso and Luna’s hands gripping his coat’s collar. Slowly and steadily, he leaned back.

“Are you alright?” He asked, a bit breathless.

“Uh-huh, yeah.” Luna moved her hands to the sides of his shoulders. “Thanks,” she whispered. He was closer than usual. Not something she was used to.

“Of course,” he whispered back as he stared into her eyes. They were full and dark from the night sky, shining in the lights from above. Again, they captured him. Inconveniently, at best, but it couldn’t be helped.

Time caught up, and Luna slid her hands down to his biceps with the sole purpose of gently pushing him off, but one touch and she stopped. The words of May Parker surfaced in her mind. Loki was indeed firm and strong by the way he held her. She knew so from her first dance with him but feeling him again like this was a whole other matter. Coupled with the intenseness of his gaze, he made her feel hot under the collar. A completely involuntary reaction. It couldn’t be helped.

Dragging herself back into reality, Luna gave his arm a tap. “We, uh, we should get going before we’re forcibly removed.”

“Oh, yes,” Loki muttered, pulling back and standing at his full height. He gestured to the ice in front of them on the path to the gate. Ever the gentleman, he allowed Luna to go first if she wished. Eager to escape the awkward situation, she took the invitation and skated off with Loki trailing behind her.

In the sitting area, they sipped on individual hot chocolates and let their minds scramble in different directions. No thought led gracefully to another. The abruptness of their proximity left no room for control. They faked it well, though. Luna gradually regained it by tapping out the beat to a song playing over the speakers.

The first thing she consciously felt was comfortable. A bit rattled from the experience, but not wishing she could get away from Loki. She didn't have to try with him, in the best way. She'd admit it was scary, for it might be too good to be true. She wondered how he was in his past. If anyone else felt like this around him. Perhaps they did. Maybe it was none of her business. No harm in imagining, though.

“You must have had a lot of friends on Asgard,” she said, snapping Loki out of whatever musing he was in.

He turned the cup around in his hand. “Why would you think something like that?”

“Because it takes no energy to hang out with you.”

Loki creased his brow. “Thank…you?” In all his years, never had he heard something like that.

Luna laughed, a little nervous. “No, no, it’s a good thing. It’s inviting, at least to people like me.” She fiddled with the plastic lid, trusting he could see what she meant. The growing grin on his face gave her a hint of what he felt.

“Well, for your sake,” he held up his half-empty cup, “I’m glad,” and tapped it gently against hers.

Cheers to someone who preferred his company. Cheers to someone he liked to be around. Cheers to his beautiful friend named after the moon.

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Taglist:  @the-doctor-9-10 @pinkieperil @sherlockfan4life

[imagine-loki]

Monsters and Magic

TITLE: Monsters and Magic

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 57/?

AUTHOR: nekoamamori

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine you’re a vampire who helps the Avengers defeat an evil seethe of other vampires, and Loki befriends you after you end up in their custody

RATING: T (so far)

NOTES/WARNINGS:  Also on AO3 click here

Loki pulled you into a kiss, expressing his gratitude for the wonderful new weapon.  His hand cupped your neck as his other arm held you to him and he kissed you deeply.  “Thank you, my darling,” he told you when he broke the kiss so you could catch your breath.  The fact that you didn’t need to breath was not withstanding on needing to catch it.  That was how good of a kisser he was.

“So, boyfriend, what did sestrichka give you?  She wouldn’t tell us about the surprise she was making you,” Nat asked from the doorway of the training room you were in.  

Loki smiled brightly and showed off the dagger and all of its features to her.  She looked extremely impressed by the weapon you’d made.  She also made sure to compliment Loki on his skills.  He was obviously showing off and the peacock lived for praise.  He preened under her praise and gave her an elegant bow after his demonstration.

Nat insisted that you had to go to dinner, so the three of you headed back upstairs to eat with the others.  After dinner, she gave you a shield uniform to wear for the mission, so you would blend in with the other agents around.  

“You’ll be fine, kid,” Clint reassured you after you were dressed and your dimensional pocket full of supplies from the lab and medbay.  “And if anything does happen, boyfriend will send you home,” he reminded you.  Loki nodded his agreement, but you could see the concern and worry in his expression.  He was still wary about what might happen on this mission.  You didn’t blame him. You were concerned too. 

You took the jet to the location for the mission and held on tightly to Loki’s hand the entire trip there.  Loki held yours just as tightly.  The jet landed outside of the Hydra facility. “Bucky, Romanoff, you’re with Y/N and Loki.  The rest of us will draw Hydra’s attention out here while you work.  Be careful, all of you,” Cap told you firmly before he’d let you head inside.  

Nat and Bucky let the way inside.  They knew Hydra facilities better than anyone else.  Loki stayed close to your side while Nat and Bucky cleared the way, though you kept them within eyesight.  Loki held his new dagger as you went, but let Nat and Bucky take the lead.  They simply knocked the Hydra agents out instead of leaving the walls coated in blood. The alarm was blaring as you made your way through the corridors of the Hydra building.  You were glad Bucky was with your group.  He knew the way better than anyone. You didn’t want to get lost and you definitely didn’t want to get separated. Your group was safer together than apart.

You finally made your way to the server room.  Nat and Bucky took out the techs before they could wipe the system.  The two fought together surprisingly well and you remembered that Bucky had helped trained Nat back in her red room days.  Of course they fought nearly identically at times.  

Once the room was clear, you rushed in to the main computer and plugged in your equipment from the lab.  You and Jarvis worked quickly while Nat, Bucky, and Loki stood guard.  Your attention was completely on your task.  The system was complicated enough that it was taking yourundivided attention to crack it.  That was saying something.  

But no software stood a chance against your big brain. It would just take some time. 

Unfortunately, time wasn’t on your side as a group of Hydra agents came into the room while you were working and opened fire on your group.  Nat and Bucky returned fire while you kept working, even as more and more agents joined in the fray. 

You cried out in pain when one of the bullets went astray and grazed your arm.  It wasn’t bad enough to make you stop working, especially when you were so close to being done.  And even more especially when you were a vampire and it didn’t do that much damage to you.  

“Done!” You announced to the other once you had gotten all the data and blown up the system for good measure.  You had disconnected and vanished all your equipment.  

“Loki, get her out of here!” Nat snarled as she was focused on shooting the people shooting you. You had ducked behind the desk once you fully realized you were being shot at.  You’d been too distracted by your work to truly notice.  You and Stark both had the tendency of getting so involved with your work that you forgot everything else around you.  Loki backed from the agent he had just slaughtered and rushed to you.  He wrapped an arm around you and teleported you back to the jet. 

Loki looked over you and started fretting over your bleeding arm the second you reappeared back in the jet.  “I’m ok,” you tried to reassure him through gritted teeth.  Now that you knew you were injured, it hurt like hell.  Loki didn’t look convinced and started trying to heal you, though he didn’t have much of a gift of healing. 

“Lokes, I heal fast and we both know a little graze isn’t the worst thing I’ve been through,” you told him as you looked over the wound “Hell, it’s barely bleeding.  It’s burned more than anything.”  You gestured at the first aid kit and it floated over.  Loki started to splutter a protest until you gave him a firm look. “Had I not been killed, I would have been a fully qualified Midgardian healer by now,” you reminded him that you had been studying to be a doctor.  Loki wisely decided not to argue with you. You bandaged the wound quickly.  “I’m fine, Lokes,” you reassured him again once the wound was bandaged. Loki still seemed concerned.  He hated seeing you be injured, but he let it be, for now. 

 “Do you need to go help the others?” you asked him.  You were concerned that they weren’t back yet.  Everyone was supposed to retreat once you were done with your piece of the mission.  You saw his hesitation.  He should go help the others, but he didn’t want to leave you alone.  “One of these days, you’re going to have to teach me how to teleport myself home,” you grumbled at him, sensing his dilemma.  

Loki smirked.  “That sounds like an excellent idea, indeed. Expect that lesson in the near future, my darling,”

You smirked in reply. “ In the meantime, wanna give me a lift home so you can go bail our friends out with a clear conscience?”

Loki nodded and waved his hand, teleporting you back to the tower.  He went back to help the team clear out the last few Hydra agents once he knew that you were safe in the tower. 

You used magic to change into real clothes and waited for the team in the common room, spying on them through Jarvis.  There weren’t many Hydra agents left by the time Loki got back, but he had the entire team, including a very pissed off Nat demanding where you were.  Loki reassured them that you were safe at the tower as he took down the agents one by one.  It only took a matter of minutes. 

It wasn’t long before they could return back to the tower.  You waited anxiously for them to fly back.  When they all came into the common room you ran over and hugged Loki tightly, glad he was back to you safely. Loki hugged you just as tightly.  “I’m alright, kitten. Your gift worked marvelously against those pesky agents,” he reassured you and stroked your hair.  

You leaned up and kissed him softly.  “I’m glad,” you told him softly, relieved that he was ok. 

“Hey, kid, the rest of us could use some stitching up,” Clint reminded you that your boyfriend wasn’t the only one on the team.  You sighed and gave Clint a look.  Loki chuckled and gave you a little nudge to go help the others while he took a seat on the couch to wait for you.  

“Clint, how do you always get shot?” you whined as you got to work fixing him up.  Most of the others just needed bandaging at the worst and it wasn’t long before you could return to your Loki.  

Loki grinned and pulled you onto his lap so you were straddling his legs and he pulled you into a deep kiss.  “Get a room!” Thor growled as you wound you fingers in Loki’s hair. Loki flipped off his brother and continued kissing you.  

“Oi, sestrichka, did you ever show boyfriend the surprise in that pink bag from the shopping trip?” Nat asked too innocently, teasing you.  You flipped her off without your lips parting from Loki’s. 

However Loki was intrigued.   Damn it, Nat.  “What little surprise, kitten?” he asked, his eyebrow raised curiously.  He looked so adorable when he was curious about something.  

“No surprise,” you told him quickly.  “Nat’s just being an ass,” you looked over your shoulder to glare at her while she laughed. 

“Uh-huh,” Nat replied dryly.  “And that’s why that bag and its contents are hiding in the back of your closet…” she said sarcastically. 

“Lady Natasha, what is this surprise you keep mentioning?” Loki asked.  Cheater was going around you to get the answer he wanted.  Damn Trickster and double-damn assassin.

“We bought some items while shopping that your little vampire is too embarrassed to show you. or admit we bought,” Nat teased, which just sparked Loki’s curiosity even more.  You saw it in his eyes. 

“I should never have let you drag me into that store,” you grumbled, glaring at Nat.  When Nat looked like she was going to make another stupid comment to further incite Loki’s curiosity, you grabbed one of Loki’s many, many hidden blades and threw it at her across the room. 

Loki vanished the blade as soon as it left your hand.  “Well, that wasn’t very nice, darling,” he teased you. 

“Neither is Nat teasing that she made me buy nice undergarments,” you grumbled in reply, feeling yourself turn red.  

Loki’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, then his expression morphed into a seductive smirk.  “Did you now?” he purred, making you turn even more red while you wondered what he was going to do with that information. 

“See? I told  you boyfriend would agree with me that you need nice things,” Nat teased, which just made you turn impossibly more red.  

“You’re as red as tomato, love,” Loki teased while you huffed at all of the teasing.  He pulled you closer, seeming to have mercy on you. “Why don’t we go see what is in that lovely pink bag, hmm?” he purred in your ear.  You were still red, but nodded your agreement.  That settled, he teleported both of you up to your bedroom to do just that.

[tyrantisterror]

FUCK IT LET’S GET ASININE

TT’s SUBJECTIVE RANKING OF THE MARVEL MOVIE VILLAINS (AND A FEW SPECIAL MENTIONS FOR THE TV VILLAINS TOO)

I maintain that ranking characters is stupid but sometimes I dare to be stupid so let’s do this.  SPOILERS FOR EVERY MARVEL MOVIE YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED SEE YOU AFTER THE CUT FUCK I’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT SUPERHEROES A LOT IN THE PAST TWO DAYS HUH

Ok, I guess I should give some criteria for this, so we’re going to be judging these guys both as villains and characters in general.  As characters, they need to be interesting and compelling - i.e. you want to follow their journey, you want to hear their story, because that’s a characters job.  If a character isn’t making a story compelling, they aren’t a great character.  As specifically antagonistic characters, they need to provide an interesting counterpoint and conflict for the heroes - there has to be a substantive reason for why they are opposing the main characters.  And as villains - and while villains are often antagonists, those two words AREN’T synonymous - they need to bring a level of menace to the table.  We don’t just want to see the heroes/protagonists win - we also don’t want the villains to succeed in their goal, because their goal is, y’know, bad.

If a villain is successful in all of these things, then there’s another criteria to consider: did they reach their potential?  There are some villains - actually A LOT of them - in the Marvel movies that are good on paper, but didn’t reach their fully potential, either because they lacked time or the writing just didn’t give them enough to do.  A number of the guys on this list would be higher if they hadn’t been, essentially, wasted by the screenwriters.

There are also some antagonists in the Marvel movies who I don’t really think qualify for the villain label - they were obstacles the heroes had to overcome, sure, but they weren’t meant to be full on SUPERVILLAINS.  There’s nothing wrong with that - hell, I honestly prefer stories to have multiple kinds of antagonists, because it makes the world more complex and interesting.  I’ll give these successful non-villains some honorable mentions.

Let’s dive in then!

As it currently stands, Loki is the best Marvel villain.  I know, I know, a lot of you hate Loki because teenage girls think Tom Hiddelston is cute, but has ANY villain in the Marvel movies gotten even close to as much development as he has?  Loki was one of the strongest aspects of the first Thor movie, with a sinister cunning backed by motives we could understand but not condone.  This guy has reasons for being the bad guy he started as - hell, the main one, his dad, is also the father of the hero he arches for, Thor.  From the start there was complexity and intrigue built into him, and his devious mind presented a great problem for not only Thor but also the three other big names in the first Avengers lineup - because while Captain America, the Hulk, and Iron Man can all hit really hard, those powers aren’t really great at beating a scheme.

Loki also opened the door (literally) for a greater scale of threats and scope of story possibilities in the universe.  Then, once his big starring villain moment in The Avengers came and went, he proceeded to take a slow but well done turn from villain to hero - one fraught with missteps and backsliding.  He didn’t turn into a good guy easily.  Again, he was arguably the best part of Thor: the Dark Wold, a movie that’s kind of a low point in the series (and yet one that’s still far from bad, because that’s how Marvel do).  Admittedly, Loki wasn’t the high point of Thor: Ragnorok, though that’s only because Thor: Ragnorok was great in so many other ways, taking a series that was up till that point a more middling part of the greater Marvel Franchise and making it one of the best.  Notably, Ragnorok finally allowed Loki to complete his turn to hero, all while keeping his personality traits that we’ve grown to love.  No villain has been better served by the franchise, and likewise none has served it better.

The first Guardians of the Galaxy had so much work to do - not only did it have to introduce us to and get us to love the five weirdest fucking superheroes of the franchise so far, but it also had to introduce the entire Space Opera side of Marvel’s universe to us - infinity stones, celestials, various planets with various sapient species with a great and varied history.  We had to learn about Groots and children of Thanos and the Kree and the Nova Corps and the Ravagers - we can forgive that movie for having a weak villain, especially given the fact that it had FIVE protagonists to develop meaningfully instead of one like every movie before it.

Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2, by contrast, has a lot less to do.  Its heroes are introduced, as are a lot of great supporting characters, so in that regard it just had to follow through on what it had already built.  That gave the writers significantly more time to work on the antagonist, and the result was Ego, the second best Marvel movie villain.  Though his relationship with Quill is first and foremost, Ego also has meaningful thematic ties to the other heroes as well - he’s an abusive father of unfathomable power, much like Gamora and Nebula’s adoptive father Thanos, he’s an inherently lonely being that longs for a familial connection that may well be lost to him, like Drax, Rocket, and Groot, he’s a deeply flawed parent figure to Peter much like Yondu, and, well, he’s personally isolated and abused Mantis.  Ego’s motives are understandable but reprehensible.  We feel his pathos - no one wants to be alone, and most people can understand the desire to reconnect with one’s offspring - but we also know he can’t be allowed to succeed.  The threat he brings is palpable, and his conflict changes all the heroes in a meaningful way.

Like most Marvel movie villains, Ego dies in his debut, but to the film’s credit, Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 makes every second of his screentime count.  We could have gotten more tales from Ego, but if this is his only one, then I feel we can say his potential was used well.

Like Guardians of the Galaxy, Black Panther had a lot of stuff on its narrative plate.  While it had a slight headstart in introducing its titular hero thanks to Civil War, it still has to do a lot of work to make us understand who T’Challa is, while also introducing Okoye, M’Baku, Wakanda’s greatest export Shuri, Nakia, and oh yeah, the Afrofuturistic country of Wakanda.  It also had to justify the existence of fakeout villain Ulysses Klaue and unnecessary white man Martin Freeman for, I imagine, the comfort of the white executives taking a “gamble” on a big budget movie with a predominately non-white cast, because somehow that was even more ludicrous in Hollywood’s eyes than a movie starring a talking racoon and an Ent.

where was I?

Oh, right, my point is that there was significantly less narrative space for Killmonger than the two villains above him, and that’s the SOLE reason he’s at number three here.  Killmonger’s motives are just as complex as Loki’s, and he is as thematically relevant to the MANY heroes opposing him in this film as Ego is in Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2.  And he gets a lot of good development!

but... Killmonger dies at the end of Black Panther.  He dies when there is so, SO much more story we could have gotten out of him.  And while his story in the film is well told for the most part, some of it is abbreviated.  This dude needs, nay, DESERVES more time.  If they retcon his death and bring him back for a sequel, Killmonger may very well climb to the top of this list.

Thanos is the only villain on this list who is arguably the protagonist of a Marvel film - really, Avengers Infinity War is his movie more than anyone else’s.  He does a lot of the same stuff as the three villains before him - his motives are understandable, the threat he poses is immense, he challenges the heroes, and at the same time has thematic connections to... well, some of them (look there’s significantly more heroes in Infinity War than there are in Thor, The Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Black Panther, so cut him a little slack).  But he’s a bit weaker at all those ways except for the “level” of threat he poses.  The only heroes he’s really intimately tied to are Gamora and Nebula - for everyone else, his threat is more general than personal.  Sure, he’s a lot more SUCCESSFUL at killing named characters than the previous three villains on this list, but if you think all of those deaths are gonna stick you’re a very gullible person.  Ultimately, Thanos’ character had to sacrifice narrative complexity for the sake of establishing a higher scale of threat, and the result if a character that’s a bit weaker than Marvel’s best - but still pretty damn good.  I mean, he was good enough to feel like a credible threat to a literal army of superheroes - that’s gotta count for something.

Funnily enough, the Vulture is kind of on the opposite side of things from Thanos.  The threat he poses is significantly lower stakes than the villains that preceded and followed him - and, oddly enough, that’s in his favor.  He felt new as a result.  This wasn’t a guy who was starting wars or committing genocides - he’s just an asshole who sells illegal and highly dangerous weapons.  His motives are understandable, too - dude wants to give his family a good life, and this just happened to be a solution to that problem (if not a moral one).  He’s much closer to the kind of “villain” an average person would be affected by in real life.

At the same time, well, he’s not a world shaking villain.  He does what he’s meant to do well, sure, but he wasn’t meant to be the next Loki - he’s a one shot filler villain for a movie that was really about introducing its hero to us.  There are a LOT of villains who were meant for that niche, and of those villains, Vulture is the cream of the crop.

Though she was going to be higher, didn’t you?

My immense attraction to her aside, Hela is... kinda flat.  Her motivations are kinda weak - she’s a warhawk who wants to start wars and was kicked out of Asgard for starting wars too much and now is back to start some more wars because... because war is cool, I guess.  Cate Blanchett’s wonderfully campy performance elevates the material she’s been given a lot, don’t get me wrong, but objectively... Hela’s not very interesting.  In terms of her relation to the hero, she’s basically Loki except with no development or intrigue - yeah, she’s technically Thor’s sister, but we don’t feel a familial bond between them, so their conflcit doesn’t really get any intrigue out of that.  Hela isn’t really a character - she’s a conflict, as developed and emotionally complex as the tornadoes in Twister.

I hate to say it, because I love Thor: Ragnorok and just, like, the concept of a Goddess of Death played by Cate Blanchett, but Hela just isn’t very well developed.  She’s a lot of wasted potential - wasted potential made very... entertaining by Cate Blanchett’s... entertaining performance, but if it weren’t for the skills of the actress playing her and, uh, some aesthetic preferences on my part, she’d be even lower on the list.

Hey, speaking of really good actors who played elf leaders Lord of the Rings, here’s Red Skull!  And, like Hela, he’s kind of wasted.  Movie Red Skull is basically the cartoonishly exaggerated caricature pop culture has made nazis into - “evil” in the Snidley Whiplash sense, but not evil in the have-you-actually-read-up-on-how-fucking-horrifying-the-holocaust-is sense.  And, look, I understand that bringing in the actual horrors of the holocaust in a movie about a guy who’s basically wearing the American flag as a costume could very easily become uncomfortably misguided, but the defanging of the nazis - I’m sorry, HYDRA, the “more evil” nazis who somehow don’t do any of the actually ridiculously evil shit nazis did - that Red Skull represents isn’t a great solution to that problem.

Movie Red Skull is less complex than Cobra Commander.  He is pure “I’m evil because... because!” villainy.  He’s less deep than Hela, and unlike Hela’s actress, Hugo Weaving was kind of phoning it in.  There’s some hammy fun in Red Skull, sure, but he could have had so much more impact than he did.

Ronan the Accuser’s motives are a bit better defined than Red Skull’s.  His people have been in an on again, off again war with the rival civilization of Xandar, and yeah, that’s a tale as old as time - dude wants to destroy a country because they fought his country in the past and all that, happens all the time, fine and dandy.  But... while we can understand that because it’s basically the bulk of human history, we never really feel it, y’know?  Xandar and the Kree’s history is TOLD to us, not shown, and as a result we don’t really FEEL Ronan’s motivation.

So what does that leave us with?  Well, a very shouty and hammy performance by his actor done from under some thick makeup.  It’s fun and campy, but Ronan’s a filler starter villain - he’s weak so the heroes may have time to be strong.  It’s fine - he does his job - but he’s not what he could have been.

Although I will say, the moment where his brain just short circuits when Peter Quill stops their fight to challenge him to a dance off?  Hands down the most satisfying thing in the entire Marvel universe.

Aww yeah, here’s an interesting guy!  Isn’t this not at all underwhelming after the colorful cast of characters above?  Look, it’s... a dude!  A white dude!  Swell!

Zemo is, like, the less-good prototype for Killmonger.  Dude got fucked over by American Imperialism and blames the superheroes for it, using a bunch of dastardly tricks and cunning schemes to create strife in their ranks!  He does it well enough, and he’s got a good amount of pathos, and the actor playing him does the job very well, but... c’mon, do you really want to see more of this guy?  Did you even remember his name?  He’s just complex enough to get the job done, but just boring enough to let the movie focus on its REAL conflict, which is the titular super hero Civil War.  Like the Vulture before him, he’s just as good as he needs to be - but since he didn’t need to be as good as the villains higher up, he didn’t reach those heights.

Also it should be noted that comic book Zemo looks OUTRAGEOUS and interesting and fun so it’s kind of a shame that, like, exactly 0% of that was translated into film.  You could have called this character Greg Fucktruck or whatever instead and saved that character for a movie where, like, he could be interesting and cool, instead of a one off filler villain.

Robert Redford begins as a good guy in Captain America: The Winter Soldier and initially feels like a reasonable authority figure, only to be revealed as a secret bad guy in a surprising plot twist!  It’s effective, but as villains go. he’s just, like, a guy.  He’s a guy in a suit.  Not a supervillain suit, just a... a normal suit.  He wields a lot of power and has an evil plan and is played charismatically by a very good actor, but like Zemo, he’s not exactly memorable.  I mean, fuck, I just listed him as Robert Redford because I couldn’t remember his character name and didn’t want to look it up.

Y’know how I said Zemo is the crappy prototype for Killmonger?  Yeah, well, Whiplash is the shitty prototype for Zemo.  Same motives but shittier, same personal connection to the hero but shittier, same critique of American Imperialism but much, much shittier.  At least he loved his bird, though.

I couldn’t find a gif of his monster form, but the Abomination is... uh... he’s a guy... a mercenary?  And he turns into a monster.  That’s neat.  Turning into a monster is the sole reason he’s this high on the list.  And I couldn’t even find a gif of it.

Ullyses Klaue was a boring, one dimensional filler villain who was given some fun quirks by his actor, Andy Serkis, but ultimately failed to not be boring and was thankfully killed off halfway through the movie so the actually interesting villain of the movie could take center stage in a surprise twist that made said interesting villain all the more memorable.  He died so a better plot may live, and a better character immediately filled his shoes.  Rest in peace, you boring ass red herring of a villain.

“I’m selling the entire universe to a hell dimension because the hell dimension doesn’t have death because there is no time!  That’s a complex motive, right?  Right?”  No, c...caecilian?  Cesarian?  Caeser Millan?  No it’s not.  I mean, an attempt was made, I guess?  It’s technically a different motive than past villains?  I guess?  This guy is the “You Tried” sticker of Marvel’s movie villains.

Ultron tried to be so, SO much more than most of the characters on this list.  In terms of authorial intent, he would rank higher - they were really, REALLY trying with him!  They really were!

But, for me, Ultron fails in everything he tries to be. That’s why he’s this low on my list - not because he’s not complex, not because he’s a boring concept, but because there was so much potential and effort here and it was all WASTED, and that is so much more frustrating than the boring villains that preceded him on this list!

Like... comic book Ultron is a giggling, manic lunatic of a villain, full of energy and intensity that is so unlike most of Marvel’s rogues gallery, especially those that made it to the films.  The default movie villain is “smug, disinterested bad guy who talks way too much and takes himself too seriously.”  Comic book Ultron ISN’T that.  Comic book Ultron is fun and passionate and coo-coo for coco puffs bonkers bananas!  And yet he’s also got a lot of pathos - he’s a new life form whose creator didn’t know how to nurture properly, who grew too fast for his unwitting parent to deal with.  There’s a tragedy to Ultron.

Also, he’s an awesome robot man with a scary as fuck unmoving robot mask that looks like some alien skull that is both screaming in fury and laughing in maniacal glee at the same time.  Like, visually, comic book Ultron is really good.

And... and an effort was made to capture some of that, but it failed.  They tried to capture Ultron’s loopy thought process, but in reality they just made his motivations and plan a fucking mess that’s impossible to parse.  They tried to give him a good design, but ditched the iconic and creepy screaming skull mask in favor of... weird robo lips, and then stuck those on a Michael Bay transformer body.  They took his manic personality and, well, chucked it out in favor of...

Well, a smug, disinterested bad guy who talks too much and takes himself too seriously.

Ultron should have been something we hadn’t seen before, or at least not recently - he should have been, well, Comic Book Ultron.  Instead, they forced him into the mold of MOST Marvel villains, and forced his design into the mold of the most profitable robot designs at the then-current time: the Michael Bay transformers.  The result was so disappointing.  It’s heart breaking.

You know what they should have imitated, but didn’t?  Darth Vader.  Darth Vader is perhaps the most well known movie villain of all time, and certainly the most lucrative.  You know what Darth Vader has?  An immovable mask that is iconic and terrifying and brought to life by a passionate, inspired vocal performance from the actor playing him.

Ultron is most effective at the very end of the movie, when he’s speaking through his drone, which DOES have that immovable, scream/laughter face of his comic counterpart.  It’s way more unsettling and interesting to watch, even if James Spader’s performance in that part still has that smug, bored disinterest to it.  I know this sounds like a minor point but really, it’s one of the many big missed opportunities of this character, and it’s a damn shame.

Malekith is a shitty prototype for Ronan the Accuser, played by an actor of great talent who was given absolutely nothing to work with from the script and then had his performance hampered by thick makeup.  Malekith sucks.

There are, like, fifty evil businessmen who want superhero technology to make money via evil in the Marvel movies.  They all have different names and different actors and they’re all boring and they suck.  They suck hard.  They’re all the exact same character, and the fact that some of them are played by really good actors sucks doubly hard because those good actors could have played, like, someone INTERESTING instead.  Fuckin’ Sam Rockwell?  You waste Sam Rockwell’s talents on this bland stereotype of a character?  You wasted the Fucking Dude on this?  Christ.

Honorable Mentions pt. 1: the Not-Really-Villains

Jeff Goldblum’s performance as the Grandmaster is a gift that humanity must treasure till the end of its days and beyond.  He is so delightfully weird and charming in every scene he’s in and I would watch a thousand movies with this character in him.  So why isn’t he on the villains list?  Well, because he’s... not really a villain.  He’s an antagonist, sure, and on paper he sounds pretty villainous - tyrannical ruler of a planet who forces people into gladiator games and all that.

But in execution he’s more of... a goof.  He’s basically Michael Scott from The Office - a weird fucking idiot who was given way too much power and weilds it irresponsibly.  He causes problems that can ruin peoples’s lives, sure, but, like, he’s entirely unaware of what he’s doing.  He’s not consciously evil - he’s just a silly bastard who doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions.  He’d be harmless if you took him out of that power structure.

When we first meet him, he metls a guy with a stick.  Most movies would play that for horror.  In Thor: Ragnorok, it’s a comedy beat.  Audiences lose their shit laughing at the dark comedy of that moment.  The Grandmaster COULD have been played as a villain, but instead he was played as a buffoonish antagonist - and he’s BETTER for that.  He’s more memorable for that.

Bucky is a great antagonist in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, but he’s not a villain.  He’s a victim - you can’t hold brainwashed, mind-controlled man accountable for his actions, as everything he’s done was carried out specifically because his own will was overridden.  Bucky’s a damn good character, and if this was a ranking of ANTAGONISTS he’d be up in the top five, but you can’t call the dude a villain.

There are a lot of henchmen in the movies that were full on villains in the comics, like Skurge and Crossbones and so on.  But, look - in the films, these guys are just henchmen.  Some of them are very fun, very interesting henchmen - I chose Skurge to represent them for a reason - but they aren’t VILLAINS.  They aren’t the focus.  They’re a side dish, not the main course.

Holy shit I posted this only to remember Dormammu’s been in a movie ten minutes later while getting cereal.  Movie Dormammu isn’t a villain or a henchman - he’s a cameo, much as Thanos was until very recently.  He fills the same narrative role as a McGuffin - he’s the big bad weapon we have to stop the villain from using.  He’ll probably get to be a character in later movies, but for now he’s little more than a prop.  Fuck, I couldn’t even find a gif of his movie self - had to use his comic counterpart instead.

Honorable Mentions Pt. 2: Sirs And Madamns Not-Appearing-In-These-Films

So the Marvel movies technically share the same universe as various T.V. shows, though at this point the likelihood of that ever being played for more than a few winking nods and veiled references is PRETTY LOW.  Most of these series are designed to be binge watched on Netflix - i.e. consumed all at once, from the comfort of a couch, so the audience can enjoy a longer form story than an individual movie without having to wait several months between installments.  That’s a very different writing task than writing a MOVIE villain - structurally, it’s significantly different, with a whole lot of different problems and possibilities.  Judging the villains of the shows by the same criteria as we judge the villains of the movies isn’t fair - the villains of the shows have a LOT more time on their hands to prove who they are, and without long gaps.  Loki, the villain with the most screentime in the movies, still had less time for his arc than, say, Kilgrave, and Loki’s arc was staggered in two and a half hour chunks with years in between them, while Kilgrave’s story could be consumed all at one upon release.  That’s not a fair fight.

That said, I want to talk about some of the TV villains:

Kilgrave is the single most complex, terrifying, and overall effective villain the Marvel Cinematic Universe has produce, at least from all the content I’ve seen.  None of the other villains (that I’ve seen) are explored as thoroughly, none of them are as personally tied to every facet of the hero they oppose, and none of them - not even world ending Thanos - are as starkly fucking terrifying the depths of their depravity and the strength they have to achieve it.  Kilgrave is brilliantly written, and David Tenant outdoes himself in bringing him to monstrous life.  He is the best villain the MCU has produced.

You know how a lot of the movies have somewhat bland villains by necessity, because giving them too much narrative weight would keep them from properly introducing the hero?  Cottonmouth would have that problem had Luke Cage been introduced in a movie instead of a show.  As it is, Cottonmouth still feels like a “starter” villain - he’s a normal sort of criminal, not a Supervillain - but at the same time, he’s a damn complex and interesting starter villain.  He’s miles ahead of most of the movie villains, but it’s purely because he’s got a lot more time to develop.

Diamondback, by contrast, has a really interesting concept, but is kind of bland in execution.  The show builds him up very well, but slowly drops the ball once he finally shows up in the final half of the season.  Maybe a second season can make good on his concept, but as it is he was kind of mishandled.

I watched about three episodes of Dardevil.  It was very good, but there was a scene where Daredevil tortured a criminal to get information out of him to stop crimes, and that is a dealbreaker for me.  I don’t care if they “explored the ramifications” of it - as far as I’m concerned, when a character tortures someone for information, they are no longer sympathetic and I cannot call them a hero.  I will not watch the rest of that show.

I’ve heard Wilson Fisk is VERY well handled and interesting from enough people to feel that’s almost certainly true.  Shame I can’t see it.

Outside of Jessica Jones and Luke Cage, I also watched two seasons of Agents of SHIELD  as well as The Defenders.  I can’t remember any of the villains from either.  I mean, there definitely were some, but I can’t remember a single one.  Unless we count Danny Rand - I certainly felt personally victimized every time he opened his shitty mouth to say some shitty dialogue and take some screentime from Jessica Jones and Luke Cage in The Defenders. Or the writers of Agents of SHIELD for killing Lucy Lawless off in the same episode they introduced her into the show, thus denying us an awesome character played by Lucy fucking Lawless.  But other than that, I don’t know the TV villains that well.

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: AVENGERS - INFINITY WAR

OH GURL, I finally saw Infinity War! Yes, I’m a full week late to this party but y’all know I had to wait that long to see this with MoviePass. Was it worth the wait? Decidedly: no. I mean, it’s the Marvel Universe and and the wigs are always terrible! But the twist here is: SO WAS THE ENTIRE MOVIE. LET’S DISCUSS.

SO MANY SPOILERS AHEAD.

Straight up: this movie is about jewelry. The only other movie I have wasted so much time at that devoted so much time to jewelry was Titanic and it’s hard to say which movie I hated more? I guess still Titanic but I honestly don’t know. They are both really long, cost way too much money, and involved deaths that didn’t need to happen. So that’s the whole thing with Infinity War, right? We were promised that beloved (?) characters would die and they do but also NOT REALLY. BUCKLE UP FOR THE MOST EXHAUSTING RECAP OF NONSENSE EVER.

So blah blah blah Thanos is this intergalactic psychopath “played by” Josh Brolin but mainly played by a computer, as with most characters in the Marvel Universe. Anyway, he needs to get all 6 infinity stones to complete his blinged out Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget hand. 

That is basically the entire plot of the movie. Thanos is basically Liberace but slightly less gay and with no apparent piano playing abilities who I guess hates overpopulation and is a complete psychopath? You do the math on this one.

The movie starts exactly where my beloved Thor: Wignarock left off with Loki’s increasingly terrible Disaster Artist locks billowing in the space wind as Thanos demands some effing bling. Tessa Thompson is somehow not there because she has much more important things to do. Loki delivers some infinity stone he just had laying around someplace because sure and promptly dies (?) All deaths in this movie are highly questionable but this one seems possibly legit and I’m fine with it because this wig is terrible and Tom Hiddleston can do better. Same goes for Idris Elba who also dies (?).  I’m very happy that these two handsome men have been freed from the shackles of the Marvel Universe and the bad wigs that go with them. Thor and The Hulk are also there but are somehow spared by Thanos because his deal seems to be only killing HALF the good guys but only sometimes and don’t ask why because you certainly will get no answers. 

Moving on, the Hulk crashlands into Dr. Strange’s olde curiousity shoppe and gurl I can’t even with this lewk. I’m all for capes ALWAYS but this HAIR. There are many jokes about Dr. Strange being a wizard and he does look like a very bad magician always. Anyway he gets the 411 on this bling situation from the Hulk which is troubling since possesses some of that bling. It should be noted that the bling he possesses can alter time and space so you’d think the bling could just protect itself and everyone around it but I guess that is too logical for this movie? So instead he decides to go ask another mad genius with a goatee for help!

OMG GOOP IS BACK. HAHHAHAHAHHA. LOOK AT THIS EFFING WIG. 

YOU CAN SEE THE LINE OF THE WIG WITH HER REAL HAIR UNDERNEATH. Ok, I understand that building entire characters and planets out of computers is $$$ but for the characters that are played by people, could we maybe get a wig assist? MARVEL UNIVERSE FOR SHAME.

But this wig is not long for this Marvel Universe since Iron Man decides to form a goatee alliance with Dr. Strange because of course. Look at these weirdos! Side note: these are absolutely the kind of dudes who always go to see movies at Film Forum. Anyway, Robert Downey, Jr’s dye job alone is very upsetting but THOSE GLASSES. NO.

Anyway, the goatee alliance proves terrible at protecting NYC streets despite the fact that DR STRANGE’S NECKLACE CAN CHANGE TIME OMG JUST USE THE NECKLACE. Instead, Dr. Strange is beamed aboard a spaceship where he is given the worst acupuncture treatment this side of Hellraiser. 

Iron Man and Spider-Man somehow save the day by literally stealing a plotpoint from Aliens and then all three make a lot more stupid movie references while also completely failing at doing anything productive involving highly important timeshifting bling.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Scotland, a Transilvanian Witch and a robot twice her age with a flashlight in his forehead have found love outside a kebab shop. 

BUT NOT FOR LONG because WWII wet rag Chris Evans who inexplicably has given himself a butch makeover and ScarJo in the best hair she’s ever had in the Marvel Universe show up to tell them that they need to destroy said forehead flashlight because it’s one of the bling Thanos needs for his bling claw. This is where all logic really goes out the window. The Avengers refuse to sacrifice the “life” of Robot Paul Bettany for the good of, well, THE UNIVERSE so instead to go find help in extracting the bling AND saving a robot’s life in Wakanda because apparently the only capable person in this entire movie is our gurl Shuri.

Anyway, back in space, The Guardians of the Galaxy save Thor who has just been floating around half dead since Thanos left. This means that Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth meet face to face and they’re definitely the best looking and funniest in the Marvel Universe so fine. Still, Gamora’s upsetting Halloween Adventure wig continues to exist. Look at these guys looking at it. NO. Anyway, the Chris party is shortlived as Thor needs to go get a new hammer.

But who could make a new hammer? PETER DINKLAGE OF COURSE. The episodic nature of this movie already feels like a sci-fi version of Game of Thrones so why not? He’s the best part of that show and this movie, obvs. He plays a giant dwarf (?) created through highly questionable photoshop not unlike my #2 favorite character in Thor: Wignarock - that GIANT EFFING WOLF. Anyway, this is the best picture I can find of his insane mountain man wig which is very awful. Regardless, he makes Thor an axe with an assist from Groot and also an assist from Thor getting a really terrible sunburn to make it all happen. Whatever? OH: also that raccoon gives Thor a new eye which somehow matches his other eye. Bye, eyepatch!

Anyway, The Guardians go to see Benicio del Toro in his batshit crazy space wig which is so terrible as to maybe be amazing. He definitely has given Thanos some bling that alters reality and they fight and blah blah, Thanos ends up stealing away Gamora, aka his adoptive daughter but not before she tells Chris Pratt she loves him! Yay?

Oh but then in order to get the soul bling (which is not what I imagined), he DEFINITELY throws her off a cliff. But is she dead? DEATH IS NEVER CERTAIN ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THAT REALITY BLING SO EVERYTHING CAN BE CHANGED AND WHY ARE WE EVEN STILL WATCHING THIS NOW SINCE THERE ARE NO ACTUAL STAKES.

Anyway, Chris Pratt and co meet up with the goatee/Spider-Man party and everything devolves into “witty” repartee and terrible decision-making. Thanos shows up and that insect chick puts a spell on him but for some reason they don’t use this magic slumber to kill him, just to try to get his bling claw off and they fail because Chris Pratt can’t control his DAMN TEMPER BECAUSE GAMORA IS MAYBE DEAD BUT PROBABLY NOT SO JUST EFFING CHILL DUDE. Anyway, to save Iron Man, Dr. Strange ends up giving up his bling so Thanos only has one bling left to get...dun dun dun.

Back in Wakanda, Paul Bettany’s bling is being extracted by Shuri but meanwhile, they are totally under attack by some horrible space dogs because obvs. Fighting alongside Wakanda’s already awesome fighters are Chris Evans, ScarJo and the Winter Soldier hisself. GODDAMN THAT IS A TERRIBLE WIG. I mean, truly truly truly outrageously bad.

Also outrageously bad? The fact that all of Wakanda is under attack JUST TO SAVE ROBOT PAUL BETTANY. SO MANY INNOCENT WAKANDANS HAVE TO FIGHT AND ARE KILLED BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO KILL A ROBOT AND WHY DID ANYONE IN WAKANDA AGREE TO THIS INSANE PLAN EVEN MICHONNE FROM THE WALKING DEAD. WHAT IN THE VERY HELL. It should also be noted that Black Panther is the only movie in the Marvel Universe that wurqs wig-wise so truly, this is all really plummeting their stock.

So Thor shows up and almost saves the day but then Thanos shows up and then everyone realizes that they have to just destroy this robot anyway to destroy the bling and this was all a huge and terrible waste of time because OBVIOUSLY.

This makes that Transilvanian witch in a horrible horrible horrible red wig that Robot Paul Bettany loves very very sad because somehow a witch is the only person who can destroy bling in this movie which is a plotpoint I appreciate but then she has to also destroy her robot lover but like: IT’S THE ONLY WAY WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST DO THAT BACK AT THE KEBAB SHOP. WHAT IN THE VERY HELL, AVENGERS?!

So then everyone just keeps fighting Thanos even though he is completely unstoppable but like...maybe just fighting him hand to hand will work? (It doesn’t work). Nothing works! Nothing wurqs! The Avengers are completely useless and Thanos just peaces out and then things get completely mindbogglingly stupid:

HALF THE POPULATION OF THE WORLD INCLUDING HALF OF THE AVENGERS JUST DISAPPEARS INTO SMOKE LIKE AN OFFBRAND EPISODE OF THE LEFTOVERS WHICH I’VE NEVER SEEN AND DEFINITELY WON’T NOW.

Huh? Yes, this was Thanos’s plan all along! But obviously, these deaths are not real! I can’t even tell you who got whisked away and who didn’t because one of the people blown away was Black Panther and THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THEY ARE ACTUALLY KILLING OFF BLACK PANTHER. Also before he’s blown away, Dr. Strange says something about how this was the only way (after earlier doing like 14 million calculations) so clearly: they win in the end.

But not the end of THIS movie. No! No! The Marvel Universe refuses to be self contained to one movie. So the whole thing just...ends! For now! Like one big hanging chad of death until the next Avengers movie (A YEAR AWAY) when definitely everyone will live again. THE MARVEL UNIVERSE JUST MADE DEATH NOT A REALITY AND WASTED ALL OUR TIME IN THE PROCESS. There has not been a more ridiculous cliffhanger ending to a movie since The Empire Strikes Back and absolutely both endings are true garbage filmmaking THERE I SAID IT. 

At this point, I ask myself: HOW MANY DAYS HAVE I LOST TO THE MARVEL UNIVERSE? How many overlong movies have I watched to prepare for other overlong movies THAT DON’T HAVE AN ENDING? HOW DOES THIS CYCLE CONTINUE? WHEN WILL WE BE DONE? NEVER! BECAUSE WE’LL KEEP SEEING THEM BECAUSE WE DON’T VALUE OUR TIME AND BECAUSE WE’RE GARBAGE PEOPLE. THE END.

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[lonelyghosts-stuff]

Avengers Infinity War-First Time Watching Reaction Play-by-Play (Pt. 1)

I’m about to cry... Loki... please no...

Thanks you wrinkly purple nut sack

“We have a hulk.” I’m gonna cry

“I assure you brother, the sun will shine on us again.” AGHHHHH

How on earth is Thanos able to beat up the hulk with only one infinity stone but when he has all of them, the hulk is able to put up a fight?

Oh bye hulk.

Neat trick Heimdall. How come you couldn’t do that with Thor and Loki?

HEIMDALL NO!!!!

No ones had the ability to wield two infinity stones at once? Lmao. Well, in the first avengers, Loki had the scepter AND the tesseract soooo

And the TVA laughs at you Thanos.

HE CALLED HIMSELF ODINSON AGHHHHH

I’m crying

Loki is dead now

Fortunately the existence of the show is helping to alleviate the pain, but we will never see THIS Loki again...

Thor has lost everything. I feel so bad for him. He’s lost his mom, his dad, his friends, his home and people, and his brother.

Good thing Heimdall knew to send Hulk directly into the sanctum. Poor Bruce.

Thanos, I will take great pleasure in your suffering in death. Know this. There is no quadrant in space that you can flee to where you can avoid my wrath. “You think you know pain?” I’ll make you beg “for something as sweet as pain.”

Is Tony like, able to predict the future or something? Morgan Stark?

No more surprises ever Stark? About that...

Science bros hug

Ben and Jerry’s product placement. Nice

Course Vision made himself go offline. Smoochie time with Wanda.

Would shoving the time stone down a garbage disposal even do anything lol? Like, I feel like it would destroy the whole building lol.

Call your boy Steve, Tony!

Suck up your pride.

Poor Bruce. Always getting filled in on all the details last minute.

Bruce has it probably one of the worst. Dudes getting chucked around the universe into places he has no ideas what’s going on in.

Flip phone time

CALL HIM

Oh no

Rumbling?

Ah cripes

Quick make a call on the run

Multitasking is a lifesaver Tony

Poor New York. Why would anyone want to live there in this universe?

Earth’s closed

Go away

Spider man, spider man,

Ned is my favorite avenger.

How did no one see Peter lmao

STAN LEE

EXCELSIOR

SPIDER MAN IS GOING TO SPACE

lmao Tony ain’t gonna be happy

Work it Stephen. Do your interpretive dance moves.

EARTH IS CLOSED

GO AWAY

HEY—my life isn’t that meaningless...

Savage, ratchet

He exhausts us too

Banner having performance issues.

Hulk is on hiatus apparently

Dude you’re embarrassing me in front of the wizards.

heck yea, CGI time

Ebony Maw got no chill.

Hey maybe don’t turn your back on the enemy

Stephen, you almost crushed Bruce under a taxi.

Eh I’ve fought this guy in Marvel Champions... he’s not that tough

Hey Peter

Bye Peter

Tony, master of summaries.

Hulk is in his feels.

It’s a simple spell but quite unbreakable

Meme time

Cmon Stephen you’re supposed to be powerful

Sleepy strange

Capey to the rescue!

I love how Peter doesn’t even question the existence of wizards.

CAPEY NO—

SAVE HIM CAPEY

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY SPIDEY

Wong really just sent that beast to attack poor Inuits huh?

Wong is invited to the wedding

“I can breathe.” *exposes face to space*

Okay that was pretty sick. I don’t particularly like the iron suit as it feels kinda lame since I loved that Peter made his own, but it works here.

Poor pepper

You just had to leave the phone tony

At least Bruce somehow found it

Hell yea it’s my favorite space group, the Guardians of the galaxy. Featuring dance daddy, sleeping invisible man, dance mom, sleepy rabbit, and angst plant.

Now I’m hungry for cheddar

Poor Gamora lmao

Oh and I can’t forget mantis

Mantis you got a killer mean face

Angsty teen plant

Huh they learned Grootish

Uh oh

Gamora knows something up

Oh hi thor

He is not a dude. This is a man.

Poor Peter quill lmao

Heyyyyy Chris Pratt worked out hard to get into shape for this role lmao

Poor Thor...

He literally lost EVERYTHING

Peter is jellyyyy

Drax has a man crush

ASGARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

Thanos isn’t that smart. Just like, double the resources.

Oh thank you thor for being sympathetic

Peter, stop it. It’s not a competition of who has the worst life.

Gosh I love Chris Pratt so friggin much. He’s a national treasure lmaoo. I love him so much.

Peter grow up

Both of you

Children

Oh there’s an actual place called Knowhere

Oh yea Tivan the collector. Didn’t he die?

Half of the Asgardians? I didn’t see them

Kevin bacon is an avenger

Oh Gamora... how did she know where the soul stone is?

Nidavellir? Axe time

Lmao I love the rabbit

HAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS

Thor and rocket rabbit are my favorite duo now

I love rocket so much lmao

I like this thor much better than the one we saw in Ragnarök. (Again, I love that movie as just a movie, but not as a Thor movie)

Good bye morons

Oh hey Paul Bettany

SO CUTE

Love you guys

Wanda vision

Don’t get too attached tho

“I just feel you” oh no... I know where that line comes back around

Promises to go back? To who? For what?

Robot lover

Robosexuality (futurama anyone)

I SHIP IT SO MUCH

Poor Vision lol

Convenient TV News exposition is convenient

Go with him wanda

You just messed up

Poor vision

WRECK EM WANDA

SHOW THEM THE POWER

No more phasing? Oh no.

Cmon Wanda MESS EM UP

No more phasing? Vision should be friends with ghost

It sure is lucky that no one seems to be out and about in Scotland huh?

IMAGINE if Wanda had the powers she had at the end of wandavision right here. Thanos and everyone else would be no match

BOSS GIRL MOMENT

OH HELL YA

THAT IS HOW YOU MAKE AN ENTRANCE CAPTAIN AMERICA ROGERS!!!

AND THE FUTURE CAPTAIN AMERICA SAM TOO!

AND BLACK WIDOW

You aliens are no match

I wanna kill them

Cowards

Gosh Nat is such a badass

Wow Steve looks great with a beard

Digging the suit too, more subtle

Poor Gamora oh my gosh

I wonder why Thanos chose to keep Gamora? She didn’t really display a fighting spirit here

I’m confused. Gamora was described as the last of her kind but the flashback showed only half of them being killed which is more accurate to what Thanos wanted?

Cmon quill, take things seriously...

Oh dear

Quill, be serious...

PETER BE SERIOUS

Swear it

KISS KISS KISS YEA

Dangit drax

Lmao poor drax

I got a bad feeling about Knowhere

I thought Tivan died? Like in the explosion of the power stone?

Drax don’t

Drax be patient

DRAX NOT YET

Drax you couldn’t even take on Ronan... don’t do it ya lovable dummy

Gosh poor Drax

Poor Peter quill

Nice hits Gamora!!!

Just kill him

If someone shot him in the head right here it’d all be over

Oh my gosh I feel so bad for Gamora

Phenomenal acting from Zoe Saldana

He’s not dead... sooooo what’s his play?

Ah

Illusion

Copy cat for Loki

Oh my

Oh so he planned this

OP bastard

Already has the reality stone

Soooo Tivan is dead then?

Oh my that’s horrifying

Grimace lmao

Peter

Cmon

Peter

The emotion

Chills

I hate you Thanos

I really do

OH MY GOSH THEY SAID I LOVE YOU

Thanos you BASTARD

Copying Loki’s move set

Poor quill

This is the last time they see each other huh?

Wait wait wait wait wait, I remember that another Gamora from another timeline comes in and helps. How come she isn’t arrested by the TVA? She’s a variant just like Loki???

You tell em Rhodes

They have nothing to be forgiven

Hell yea baddie Steve

Oh do they think Tony is dead?

Love you Rhodes

Get Steve looks great

BANNER AND NAT

Awkward tensionnnnn

Quick kiss before it’s too late

Lmao poor Sam and his crush on Nat

Lmao Ant-Man and Spider-Man

How long is vision unable to phase?

Poor Wanda... if only they could get it out in Wakanda (I hate how much I know about this without watching).

Isn’t white vision with this visions memories now? Like, can him and Wanda get back together?

WAKANDA

Rest In Peace KING T’CHALLA, Chadwick Boseman! Wakanda forever!

White wolf baby. Lesssgettttittttt

BUCKY BABY LOOKING LIKE JESUS

Poor baby, one fight to another. His only calm in wakanda...

Precarious needle positioning is precarious

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

Ouch

CMON TONY SAVE HIM

Oh peter

Lmao

Oop

Fault?

Love peter. Perfect awkward teen

“You can’t be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man if there’s no neighborhood.” That worked out perfectly.

Omg peter you’re making even me feel old asking about the “old” movie Aliens.

CAPEY TO THE RESCUE AGAIN

Soooo is ebony maw dead now? He didn’t last long

Cmon you cocky cuckoos

“I’m peter by the way.” “Doctor strange.” “Oh we’re using our made up names... um-I’m spider man then.” Gosh I love peter so much lmao

Yayyyyy PTSD we love that. Poor Tony. He needs therapy. They all do, really.

Man I know how this ends...

Harsh strange... harsh. You’ll learn that the universe also depends on these guys.

Peter is an avenger. Lmao he’s so perfect at being awkward.

Oh no. Poor Gamora. Quick, kill him with the soup.

Thanos, just DOUBLE THE RESOURCES. For cripes sake man. You don’t gotta be a genocidal maniac.

Gamora is only in here 20s? Or I guess maybe 30s now.

Thanos, you don’t understand. Wanna know why you can still see people in poverty happy? Because they see the hope. They value family. You could have given them resources. Not killed them.

Part 2

[roleplay-lanay]

Crazy, Stupid, Love

Chapter 1: Time’s up

***A/n : This is my first rodeo, friends. I would appreciate constructive comments for the betterment of future chapters. I just recently started a marvel marathon to prepare for Black Panther and Infinity War. And I realized how much I like Loki and started thinking of a scenario, however perverted. But I decided to write it down and share it with you lovely people. I hope you enjoy!!!***

Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4

I was standing in front of the glass cage, looking in on him with a blank expression. He sat with his legs crossed and his hands resting on his knees. His back was straight, and his dark hair fell almost wildly at his shoulders. His eyes were closed and his face expressionless, but with every minute I remained standing there in the silence, he grew more irritated. With a huff, he opened his eyes, "What in Odin's name are you here for?"

At this, I smirked and moved closer to the glass, "I'm here to make you a proposition."

He remained silent, as his emotionless eyes watched, uninterested. I sigh and continue, "I mean to break you out of -", his scoff interrupts what else I might have said and his dark green eyes dart from the security camera in the corner, back to my form at the glass.

"You have got to be joking," he says with anger building up in his voice, "You mean to break me out of here. What game are you playing at? Huh? Do you even know who you are playing with?"

Unfazed, I answer simply, "You're Loki Odinson, the trickster prince from Asgard, who, as I see it, doesn't have a plan to escape earth, unless his brother intervenes."

His anger persists on his face and I gesture to the camera, "It's off. I cut the feed, but we have maybe 15 more minutes before someone gets it back online or someone comes to check on you. I'm solo on this"

"And why should I trust you?"

"Because, who else have you got? The worst that could happen is that you end up right back in here. Just a failed escape plan..." He stands up slowly and walks towards me.

"What is your proposition?", he asks calmly.

"Well, in return for me letting you out, I'd like sex." I say blankly.

He blinks, "Excuse -"

"With you."

He stares at me confused, as if there was something not really right about me. Looking down, he turns slowly and begins to walk a few steps towards the center before stopping and laughing.

I glance at my watch and see that there's about 10 minutes left.

He turns and stalks back to me, "And say I accept your proposition. What's stopping me from ending your life the moment you let me out of here?"

I smile at him. "Because I've peaked your interest."

He scoffs.

"- And because I have an implant in my heart that keeps the implant somewhere in your body from exploding. As long as my heart beats, so does yours."

His face fills with anger once more. "What is this?! Why don't I know about this?"

"It was done in secret. They weren't going to mention it until it... until I needed to be used as a fail-safe."

He looks at me with distrust and I sigh looking at my watch once more. "There's 7 minutes left."

I walk back to the control panel and lift the glass box covering the hand scanner. My eyes lock back with his. "I let you out. You take me with you to whatever realm you feel most appropriate. Have sex with me and I'll deactivate the implant. You can leave me on whatever horrid planet you brought me to and never have to hear from me again."

His eyes look at me unchanging and I smile. "Deal?"

It becomes silent once more and we stand there but now I become impatient. Just as I go to hurry him he finally breaks the silence. "Deal."

I turn from him and place my hand on the scanner. The glass begins to slide open and I look back at him. Once the door is completely open, he takes slow steps towards me. Smiles as he approaches me and then quickly walks past me. I turn to watch him speed around the room looking for an exit and I sigh.

"Loki, what are you doing?"

He ignores me and continues in his quest.

"We only have about a minute left, y'know?"

He groans, "I'm looking for an exit." He walks by me again, stopping and leaning back towards me to whisper, "I still don't trust you by the way."

I roll my eyes as he walks on, "I noticed."

While he continues to search for an exit that would free him from these humans, I turn to the control panel again and press the button that opens the hatch below the cage. He stops and turns to me realizing that I might be certifiably insane. I grin widely, looking down at my watch and then back up at him. "Time's up."

With that I jump, and he stares down in disbelief before being shaken by the incoming footsteps and he drops his head, "Shit." He follows right behind me, catching up to me in no time. He looks at me and yells through the wind, "How the hell do you expect us to get out of this?"

I laugh, "Well, aren't you a god?"

"Don't tell me that's what you were counting on..."

Smiling knowingly, I grab his arm and pull him close, much to his vehement protests. I keep my grip and once I know we are out of detection range, I deploy the parachute I had put on right before entering the containment area. He looks at me almost with hatred but not completely. "I hate you"

I chuckle but don't say another word until we've landed safely on the ground.

[sorceressmidnight]

Midnight Sorceress

Chapter: 6/? [1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - ?]

Chapter 6: You’re Not Alone

Words: 2925

Warnings: Some cursing, medication and therapy mentions, a heated argument, relapse mention, choking briefly, fighting

Primarily following the events of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it revolves around an original character.

Description as posted on ao3:  A member of SHIELD is forced to struggle with her mental stability and keeping her secret as the craziness surrounding the Avengers crashes around her. She ends up befriending Tony and Pepper, who help out her mental health a great deal, but will they be able to help her with her secret? Something that could destroy her if she uses it too much… What will happen when Tony tries to convince her to use it to help the Avengers?

Read on ao3: here

Tags: @txnystarkimagines @h0bsyrup

Hit me up if you want to be tagged in future chapters.

This chapter happens just before and during Age of Ultron.

“Pep’s gonna flip when she finds out you've been tinkering and making suits again.” Tony groaned under his breath, leaning over and pinching the tip of her nose lightly. “You know it helps with my anxiety.” “So would some pills, or maybe therapy,” Kiana retorted, pushing his hand away and rubbing her nose. “You know I don't have time for that,” he grumbled, going back to his work. “Besides, I'm close to finishing your suit. Would you prefer a whole head mask, just over the eyes, or goggles?” “I'm sure she'd be against that too, only because she probably wouldn't want me fighting either. I guess it doesn't matter… as long as I can see? I guess?” “You're so indecisive,” he pinched her cheeks softly, pouting. “I'm hoping to have it ready by the next time we go on a mission.” “I… I can't go with you guys… I'm not an avenger! Plus!! All superheroes have cool backstories! I'm just… I'm just me!” “...  That's what you're concerned about? Seriously? You can spar with both Nat and Clint, you have pretty decent endurance from your martial arts and swimming, and you can literally make a pile of dirt fight for you. But… you're not capable of being a superhero. Right.” The sarcasm in his voice was thick by the end of his little speech. It was an attempt to rile her up, knowing she hated it when he gave her that tone. “I could die, Tony!” “That's what the suit’s for.” “I could still die…” she pouted, crossing her arms. “That's what we're here for. We help keep each other safe. You already have three people who care about you on the team. We wouldn't let anything serious happen. You’d be a huge help to the team… Okay, how about this. Lemme finish up with the suit, and we’ll go from there. Sound fair?” She sighed finally, pinching his cheek. “Fine, but when I say I’m uncomfortable, you back down.” “Don’t worry. I’d never try to push you further than you could go. Besides, most of the stuff I’d be taking you on would be raids, so we’d have an advantage anyway. C’mon, though. Pep wanted to go out for food.”

Kiana pulled the curtain and walked out from the makeshift changing room, standing in front of Tony, Bruce, and Sammy with her arms crossed. She was wearing the suit Tony had made for her, now with a pair of goggles that covered her eyes and wrapped around her the back of her head, an earpiece connected so she could stay in contact with everyone. The goggles were black with the glass tinted a light blue. “Okay. Gavin, tell her about the specs.” “Sure. Would you prefer Miss Mariveil or Kiana?” “Kiki’s fine. You can simplify it. I’ve got a headache and I’m not in the mood for lengthy explanations.” “I can tell. I have been programmed to monitor your health as to make sure nothing is to go wrong during fights. Mr. Stark designed it with leather to be sturdy for fighting with the added technology of increasing the percentage of your powers by roughly fifty percent. In case of emergencies, I can increase the percentage which will allow me to channel your power to create a safer situation for you. This is mostly if you become unconscious or are severely wounded. Your goggles are used to keep communication with the others while out on a mission. I am also able to assist you with how best to maneuver.” “Okay, Gavin, was it? I have a question.” “Of course, what is it?” “Can I call you Ethan? I think that fits your voice better.” “If that’s what you wish, then you can address me as Ethan.” “Whoa! Hey,” Tony butted in, crossing his arms. “I made him. You can’t just go and change his name.” “Sir, I was created for Miss Mariveil. I believe it is up to her to decide what to call me.” “I like him,” Kiana smirked, putting her hands on her hips. “So, I’m guessing we’re going to do one last test run? Since this should be the ‘final’ version?” “I do have a question,” Sammy piped up, “why is limited in the first place?” “After several tests and examination of everything, it has been determined that fifty percent is high enough to use her powers for an extended time with no major repercussions. However, any higher than about fifty-five to sixty percent would make it difficult for Kiki to keep control of her powers. It also is harder to scan the stress on her body the higher the percentage.” “Now we can work on testing this baby out,” Kiana smirked as she looked towards the machine she had been testing her powers on since Tony first made the suit. She lifted her arms and gestured her hands to begin lifting the machine, watching as it started lifting off of the floor until it was about halfway from the floor and the ceiling. She grinned to herself, giving out a happy laugh as she slowly brought it back down. The others quietly stared, waiting to see what she had to say. “I didn’t feel anything, Tony! It felt no different than lifting a pencil!” she shouted, jumping up to hug him. He held her tightly and swung her around, joining her in happy laughter. “That’s great!” he finally let her down, smiling, “Gav--Ethan, stress levels?” “Everything is normal, Mr. Stark.”

“Tony!” Kiana called out as she watched Tony stare into space, making her way down to him. He was staring blankly forward towards what was formerly Loki’s scepter. He shook his head, seeming to come to before reaching his arm out, the glove of his armor coming before he grabbed it. “Are you okay?” she asked, brows raised as she saw something in the corner of her eye. She tried to see what it was, but nothing was there once she did look. He finally turned and faced her, brows knitted together. “I’m fine. Are you?” He ushered her up the stairs and out of the area.

“Hey, Pep! Tony’s throwing a party in a couple of days, are you coming?” Kiki asked, pressing the a button on the side of her goggles as they collapsed down into one ear piece. Pepper raised a brow as she watched the goggles collapse, concern growing on her face. “What is that?” “Huh? Oh, uh… It’s my suit. It’s so I can use my powers without putting too much strain on myself.” “Use?! For what?! Did-” she stopped and grabbed her arms, gesturing over some cuts and scrapes she had received when they went on their mission, “Did Tony make this?! He should know better than to take you out on a mission!” “I-It’s not that bad…” she tried to retort, feeling Pepper grabbing her hand and pulling her towards where she would find Tony. “I don’t care! That’s not the point!” It took a minute or two before they found him, Pepper more furious the longer it took to get to him. He smiled at the two, about to say something before he was cut off. “What the hell is this about?! How could you let her go out on a mission?! She could die, Tony!” “W-whoa, Pep… She was great! She was never alone, I had an eye on her all the time! I would never let anything happen to her!” he tried to reassure her. “That’s not what I’m talking about! She did get hurt! Do you see her arms?! What if this causes her to relapse?!” Her brows furrowed, forcing him to look over the cuts and scrapes. “Pepper,” Tony gently rubbed her shoulders, “nothing happened. How about this? I won’t take her out on another mission.” “You said you wouldn’t be making anymore suits!” she hissed, pushing his hands off of her shoulders. “I’m not going to let you risk Kiki’s life, too!” She grabbed Kiana’s hand, brows knitted together as she turned to walk off. He grabbed her hand before she left out the door, frowning. “Don’t you think isolating her and taking her from her friends will worsen her depression?! Besides, she’s an adult, I think she should be given the chance to choose what she gets to do!” “Ugh! Fine! I’m leaving!” she hissed at Tony, gently holding Kiana’s hands. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me, okay? I’m available any time,” she gave her a tight hug before a soft kiss on her forehead, storming out of the room and slamming the door behind her. Kiana frowned, staring at the floor. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, soft tears forming in her eyes. “Hey, hey… It’s not your fault, okay? You didn’t make Pep leave. It’ll be alright,” he pulled her into a hug, calming her down from the previous tension.

The party began as planned, most showing up around the start of it while others straggled into the tower. Most of them chatting with one another, others at the bar getting a drink, some others just watching the excitement from the comfort of their own little zone. Sammy and Kiana were sitting on a couch together, watching the party go on from off in the corner. “I plan on taking pictures. Everyone’s probably going to act stupid, so I want as much proof as possible to make fun of them with later on,” Kiana smirked, scrolling on her phone as glanced around to see if there was anything picture worthy. “I’m glad you’re here. I barely know anyone and I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone either,” Sammy murmured, taking a sip of her drink. The two chatted as they watched the others, taking pictures and laughing at some of the antics of the others. Tony strolled his way over to the corner, staring down at the two with a brow arched. “What’re you two up to?” “Avoiding social interaction.” “Makes sense for you, but what about you? Are you still upset about what happened with Pep?” His voice softened by his second question. Kiana gave a quick flash of a half-smile and a shrug of her shoulders. “I’m just not fully feeling up for partying. I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed, I guess.” “Hey… it’ll be alright. I’ll make sure of it. If you want to talk, just grab me, okay?” He asked, receiving a nod in response before he rejoined the majority of the party. The party started to slow and eventually ended with just the members of the Avengers, Maria, Rhodey, Helen Cho, Sammy, and Kiana. There became a challenge with some of them in trying to pick up Thor’s Mjolnir, Kiana recording in short bursts as each person tried to lift it, laughter filling the room during the struggles. After Thor saying ‘You’re all not worthy’ and some bickering among everyone, there was a loud screeching that forced everyone to wince and cover their ears, looking around in attempts to find what made the noise.

“Tony, I-... I’m sorry about Jarvis... “ Kiana gently wrapped her arms around Tony’s shoulders, leaning over him slightly as he sat on his chair, hands in his lap. She squeezed softly as she hugged him, knowing how upset he must be. “I…” he balled his hands, nails lightly digging into his fists. “I have to stop him.” “You won’t have to do it alone,” she spoke softly, leaning her head against his gently. He sighed, lifting his arms to hug her back, feeling vulnerable and weak yet comforted by the simple action.

“Just be careful, okay?” came Kiana’s voice to Tony, brows knitted together as she looked around, watching as Tony intercepted Ultron. She watched as the fight began, working to stop the bullets from hitting the others and disarming some of the men that were brought in. She helped from the sidelines, staying out of sight and making it easier for the others to take down the enemies. A hand found its way around her throat, squeezing as she was lifted into the air, being face to face with Ultron now. “Why is it I can’t find any files on you? I would assume Stark would want to keep something on you and that little suit he made, but I can’t find anything,” he spaced the last four words out as he spoke. “Kiki,” she heard Ethan through the earpiece, struggling to keep breathing, “since he’s not human, you can directly use your powers on him. Take advantage of that to get him off of you, then use the railing behind you to get down to the others.” Her brows knitted together, moving her hands and using her powers to pry his hand off of her throat, landing on the walkway below the two. After inhaling deeply for the first time in about thirty seconds, she then threw him through the nearest wall before grabbing onto the railing and bending it to get down onto the lower floor. “Oh jeez,” she murmured, seeing everyone except Clint down. “You can say that again.” “Natasha, I could really use a lullaby.” came Tony’s voice through the headset, causing the two to look at one another. “Well, that’s not gonna happen. Not for a while. The whole team is down, you got no back up here.” Clint responded. “I’m not down! I’m on my way,” Kiana stood up swiftly, ready to rush out. “No, you stay with Barton. He’ll need help getting everybody back to the jet. I’ll meet up with you when I’ve gotten Bruce back.” “He’s right, we should work on that before anyone else shows up. I can carry one person, do you think you could use your powers?” “Yeah. Let’s just get them on something that I can lift.” The two worked together to get two of their teammates on a large sheet of metal they found lying around before taking them back to the jet together. Tony and Bruce eventually rejoined them as they left the area, headed towards a safe house in attempts to stay underground for a while.

[iamartemisday]

To all fans of Lokiday

I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the past few months, weighing the pros and cons and wondering how you would all feel about this.  It was a difficult decision to come to, but I think now is the right time to do a full rewrite of Lokiday.

Below is the new first chapter as I have redone it.  You may notice some significant differences between the original and the new version.  I would like to know your opinion either in a reblog or an ask.  

I understand some of you might not like these changes, but I think if you keep an open mind, you will see why I concluded that it was in the story’s best interest to improve on it in this way.

Thank you, and I hope you all enjoy the brand new Lokiday:

Day 65: Jane Foster

Jane gets a paper cut.

She pauses turning the page of her magazine, and brings her index finger level with her eyes. A neat trail of red blood slides down the pad. She presses her thumb against it.

The wound stings.

She presses harder.

As Shakespeare once said, there's no better start to a story than masochism.

Okay, he probably didn't say that. Would've been fitting if he did, though. Did you guys know he once had a character off herself by swallowing fire? That's almost as cool as when I ran that guy over with the Zamboni.

In case that obvious film reference didn't give it away, this is Deadpool! Here to offer my insightful and witty remarks about this lovely fanfic that is still incomplete despite having begun in 2012.  Because what kind of lazy ass bitch does that? 

Anyway, lso, as I'm sure you've already figured out, this is an April Fool's joke and she's not actually going to rewrite this fic. Just wanted to clear that up in case some of you are nerds who totally fell for it.

If so, hahahaha! You're the butt of the joke. Ha.

When she's done, her fingers stick together, and she meets slight resistance separating them. Her thumb is stained with blood. She flexes the joints experimentally, lips puckered. Jane kisses the air and sucks in a breath. Then, she's on her feet and off the tall lab chair.

Suspense! I love suspense. I need some popcorn. And a chimichanga.

(OBLIGATORY CHIMICHANGA REFERENCE QUOTA: FILLED)

All around her are half finished equations and equipment strewn around haphazardly. The walls are covered in pictures of various constellations she learned about in elementary school. Those not on the wall stick to her shoes when she steps on them. She hasn't cleaned up her lab in a long time. There's no point in trying anymore.

She reaches the sink and runs cool water over her entire hand. She entertains the idea of rubbing soap into the wound. That would hurt like hell.

Oh yeah baby, you do that. Ooooh yeeeeah! You dirty girl.

Jane doesn't do this, but she does marvel at how far gone she already is for the millionth time in what feels like days.

Feels like, because it really should have been days.

It's not, though.

It's just one.

Just one, single, solitary day that's gone by.

Mmphf! Mmphf! Mmphf-mmphf mmpfh.

TRANSLATION: That's some damn good popcorn. Tastes like chicken if chicken was popcorn.

(OBLIGATORY OBSCURE REFERENCE NO ONE WILL GET QUOTA: FILLED)

Mmphf!

TRANSLATION: I'm on a roll!

Jane snorts and walks back to her seat. She swipes the magazine off the table, throwing it at the opposite wall. She doesn't care, she can't read the damn thing anyway.

SHIELD had been so accommodating when sending her off into thinly veiled hiding. They set her up with colleagues that spoke fluent English, and were fairly close to her in age so they'd have plenty to talk about. Her bed had nicer linens than a five star hotel, and the equipment she'd been given to work with had reduced her to an excited child at Disneyland the first time she saw it.

And yet they still couldn't get her one measly magazine in English. How typical.

That reminds me of this one time when I was hunting down this guy in one of those back alley dive bars, and I caught him, and I was like 'Where the fuck is Francis?' And he was like, 'something something not English but probably in the area of please don't kill me Deadpool something.' So I was a bit perturbed and then he tried to run away. I was like, 'fuck no, compadre!' And then I shot him in the dick. Like right in the dick. Wasn't even on purpose. Just a lucky shot I guess.

So yeah, kindred spirits me and Jane right here.

The useless ream of paper hits the floor with a satisfying 'flop', and then Jane feels an icy chill run through her. She shivers, more at the temperature drop than low, ominous chuckle that follows.

Oh oh! I know! I know exactly who it is!

It's Hawkeye!

"That's not polite."

Jane closes her eyes. She doesn't want to look in that mirror on the opposite wall and have to stare at his smarmy face right now. Maybe if she keeps quiet, he'll go away and never come back. Or maybe he'll just talk more.

Wait no, not Hawkeye. No one would ever not be happy to see him. Have you seen his biceps? So dreamy…

"Someone's going to have to pick it up."

"No one comes in here but me," she says. "Even if they did, what do I care?"

Yeah, Loki, what do you take her for? A neat freak? She's a scientist. Scientists and neat freaks go together like fish and cheese. Like Al and workable eyeballs. Like Francis and life.

He tsks. If Jane were two feet taller and a million times stronger, she'd punch his face all the way in and then maybe rip his tongue out for good measure. Let's see him tsk at her then!

Fuck me, that's hot! Hey, what if we made a few tweaks to this story? Like making it a Deadpool/Jane fic? I'm down with that!

Just need to think of a ship name…

"Now, now, Jane Foster, you don't wear apathy well."

I can think of something better for her to wear! It starts with an 'L' and rhymes with 'schmeather bustier!'

She turns around. She was going to eventually, so she might as well get it over with. His bright green eyes stare down at her, a small smile gracing his features. His stance is calm, collected and arrogant. In short, everything Jane expected of him.

Loki was a lot of things, but never a disappointment. Not to her.

Eat your heart out, Ironman! No performance issues here as confirmed by a reliable source!

Now fully facing him, Jane notices he's in full battle garb. He even has that crazy helmet on. Maybe he's going to fight again, or maybe he's got another trick for her up his sleeve. She'd put neither above him. At least now she has a comeback.

"And you don't wear those antlers well, but it's never stopped you."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Burn.

His smile vanishes, and Jane smirks, feeling accomplished. Full blown laughter builds, but she doesn't let it out yet. He exhales through his nose, fingers curling into a ball. A long time ago, this used to terrify her. Now, she just wants to laugh harder.

So what about GunScience? That a good ship name.

Hmm… seems a little plain to me. I'll keep working on it. Back to the story!

She doesn't feel like alienating him further, though, not this time. He hasn't been around for three 'days' and she doesn't care to be apart from him. That just means she has to face the fact that she actually wants him around. It's a feeling equivalent to getting repeatedly kicked in the gut and winded.

Pfft, I could handle him. If you saw what I did to that doucherocket Smith, you'd know.

Hint: It involved narrow appendages being forced in places narrow appendages should not be forced in.

With that in mind, let's make Deadpool/Loki a thing too! Much easier to come up with a ship name.

I give you… FrostMerc! Huh? Huh?

…

Well fine, be that way. I'm not sharing any of my popcorn with you guys now.

Jane moves away from him, walking briskly to the mini-refrigerator in the corner where her endless supply of bottled water is kept. She pulls out two, opens one and tosses the other over her shoulder. She knows he'll catch it.

"So," she says conversationally, as if this super powered mythical figure and potential world conqueror who once almost destroyed her hometown was just another girlfriend of hers. "What's on the agenda for today? You're all dressed up and ready to go. You must have something big planned."

He doesn't answer.

"Gonna cause some destruction?"

He still doesn't answer.

"You know, burn down all the buildings, slaughter all the innocents, kick all the puppies, anything?"

Nothing.

He's still mad that he got burnt to a crisp with that antler's comment.

He got destroyed. Pulverized. Demolished beyond all recognition. The metaphorical narrow appendage is all the way up his-

And now Jane is getting fed up, not to mention confused (definitely not concerned). He's usually way more talkative than this.

Didn't they sew his mouth shut in one of the myths? I think they totally did that once. What a disgusting, reprehensible, unforgivable thing to fucking sew a man's fucking mouth shut.

Amirite? *cough*FuckyouFoxneverforget*cough*

She faces him. His eyes are on her, but his mind is elsewhere. He sees something Jane cannot, something invisible and directly in front of her from the looks of it. She really hates when he gets like that, when he closes off completely and never explains himself. He seems to go back and forth between treating Jane like a person, and like she's just a bug he can squash under his foot. Jane's not exactly in the mood for that today.

When they're still in mid-character development and not sure if they want to be a douchey Not-British Brit, or a dude from that Jane Austen book Not-British Brit.

Just fanfic things.

"Don't tell me you're doing this for me," she says mockingly. If there's one way to get to Loki… "Because I'll be honest with you, you look much better without that helmet on. It's very unflattering."

Oh. My. God. Becky. Like that girl in her plaid and jeans knows anything about fashion.

She blinks her eyes, and he's right in front of her. Jane stares at his armored chest nonchalantly. She wonders when he'll realize the novelty of that trick wore off 'days' ago.

"Do not test me," he growls.

Wait, I got it! AssassinScientist!

…nah, too long. People would just abbreviate it or some shit.  I’m not here for that.

Jane tries to ignore the speeding up of her heartbeat and the building heat in her stomach. Of course he has to use that voice when threatening her. Of course he knows exactly what that husky tone of his does to her every single time. And, of course, this whole miserable situation has turned her into a borderline suicidal masochist who just has to keep pushing him.

Accept it, Jane. Accept… and ye shall be free!

And living the dream of millions of fangirls. That too.

"Just admit that you're as bored as I am," she says. "You probably thought about going after your brother and the Avengers today, but then you realized there's no point. There's no point in anything unless we can find a way out of this."

His frown deepens with every word out of her mouth. His eyebrows knit together in a scowl, and his hands ball into fists. Jane could swear his eyes flash red for a second. It excites her about as much as it used to terrify her, and that's a whole other batch of implications she absolutely must avoid dwelling on. She kind of needs what little sanity she has left, thank you very much.

Sanity? Girl, take it from an expert. Sanity is overrated.

Why, if I was sane, I wouldn't be the ultra hot star of the highest grossing R rated film of all time, now would I?

I didn’t think so.

Jane's already seen his Jotunn form twice, which is two more times than Loki would have liked. He still won't explain why he hates his heritage so much. Jane's asked him more times than she can count, and all she gets is silence, or commands to be silent, or screaming and cursing before he disappears to God only knows where for several 'days' at a time. The most she's ever gotten out of him is that the Frost Giants are savage monsters who would rip the flesh from her bones if she gets too close.

They sound fluffy!

She doesn't really get it. He's not all that scary with blue skin and red eyes and no other noticeable changes in appearance. Hell, the blue people in Avatar were creepier looking. If Jane were to fear Loki for anything, it would be the fact that he's a psychotic mass murderer bent on world domination who could tear her head off with his bare hands if he wanted to. That knowledge, like so many other things, had lost its edge a long time ago. Even when he bares down on her like this, so much bigger than her, eyes speaking of dark intent, Jane can't bring herself to fear him.

Yeah, CGI Smurf mutants really start to lose their effect in the face of all that.

Then again, that might be why they keep making those stupid Smurf movies. You see what desensitization does to you? Now studio hacks think people want more of those despicable balls of malformed play-doh on our screens. This is a national crisis! Wake up America!

(PLEASE NOTE: Neither Deadpool nor the author has ever seen a Smurf movie.)

Hey hey! Don't give it away!

She could still fear what emotions he did bring out in her, though.

"You should watch your tongue around me, Mortal," he says with that voice again. Why always that voice? "You might not like the consequences if you don't."

The underlying threat is palpable. There are so many different ways he could carry it out, too. Jane won't pretend not to know what they are. They spill incoherently into her mind all at once. She knows who Loki is and what he is and what he can do. He's been nothing if not eager to show her in the previous 'days.'

I smell a sex scene!

Jane smiles innocently, he hates that. She runs a hand across his shoulder and down his chest, he likes that.

Must get more popcorn.

She pulls herself closer to him, their faces inches apart. She supports her body with one hand on the table. It doesn't slide away from her as it should. Trust Loki to prepare for this. She doesn't see them leaving this room anytime soon.

Mmphf!

(Translation: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer's lease hath all too short a date…)

"Really?" She blows in his ear. He loves that. "Because I think you're all talk."

Happy Groundhog Day!

He seizes her by the arms, pulls her down roughly, and then his lips are on hers, hard and unforgiving. A moan is caught in Jane's throat, she doubts he'll relinquish her mouth long enough for her to let it out. His large hands are everywhere at once. One minute, he's fondling her breast through her shirt, the next he's running them up and down her legs, coming so close to her core that Jane feels she'll come apart at the seams if he doesn't touch her soon.

He does know how to tease.

Hey, ladies out there. You know what I like? What I really really like? *wiggles eyebrows*

Puppies! Puppies are adorable, aren't they?

His tongue forces it's way in. There is no fight for dominance this time, because it's clear who is in control and that he intends to keep it that way. Jane's own hands move across the metal of his armor. That damnable armor he just had to wear today. His casual (in the loosest possible sense) clothes are much easier to remove. He usually steps in with that fancy magic of his pretty quickly. In fact, he should have by now. Is this what he meant by 'consequences?'

Loki snakes an arm around her thin waist, hoisting her up and on the table. As soon as Jane's back makes contact, she is hit by a blast of ice cold from below. It doesn't take a scientist to figure out that somewhere in the millisecond it took him to do all this, he also magicked her clothes off. Jane rolls her eyes and thinks of commenting on this, but then his tongue is in her mouth and coherent thought is but a distant dream.

Kittens are also cute. With their little paws and their ears and the traces of demonic evil lurking below the surface.

He gets up on top of her, never once breaking the kiss. She brings her hands up to his warming face and runs her fingers through his thick hair, down the back of his neck, to the collar of his undershirt and dammit all, why is he still dressed?

He smirks against her lips.

"Frustrated, my dear?"

But you know, bunnies have got to top them all in cuteness factor. I cried for days the first time I saw Fatal Attraction.

Jane wants to slap him so badly right now. Instead, she kisses him harder. He groans in response and raises her up a little so her chest is arched into his. He wrenches his lips away and Jane cries out in protest. She stops complaining when he moves down to her neck, and then her breast. As his tongue swirls around her nipple, Jane struggles to come back to herself.

Have I killed the mood yet?

(Yeah, probably)

Awesome! My work here is done! Farewell, my friends- Wait, what? What do you mean the chapter's not over yet?

There is a digital clock on the wall marking the time as ten after four in the afternoon. This gives them plenty of time to go about their routine. To make stiff conversation, to try once again to find out what's happened to them and how to stop it, to descend into yet another pointless argument about nothing, to threaten and be threatened with death and injury and a bunch of other nasty things, to fuck each other senseless in bed and on tables and on the floor and in the shower and against the wall and on top of the bathroom sink and in the mess room and in her direct superior's office (boy, was that ever memorable).

Then the next 'day' comes along and, like everything else around them, the cycle repeats anew.

No changes.

No changes.

Okay this time, I know I've got it! Assassin didn't work, scientist didn't work, but you know what does work?

Deadpane!

Get it? Because it sounds like deadpain, and when I'm out there killing all the monsters and murderers and Francis's of the world, I know I haven't done my job right if there isn't lots of pain!

So now that this hypothetical Me/Jane ship has a proper name, let's get back to the story!

*cough*seriouslythoughshippersgetonthat*cough**cough* Boy, do I have a nasty case of the sniffles today!

Jane sometimes wonders what her friends and family would think if they could see her now, naked with her legs spread underneath a psychopathic Norse God.

They'd be like, fuck yeah, you lucky bitch! Score!

Least I would. Have you seen that tight Hiddleass of Loki's? Almost as nice as Wolverine's.

Like Logan gets a 97 out of 100 while Loki is easily a 96.8. 

Her mother wouldn't like it.

Erik wouldn't like it.

Darcy… would congratulate her on getting laid.

See? Someone gets it.

Jane can't help giggling. Loki, who has been trailing open mouthed kisses up her neck, bites down hard and makes her gasp. She fists his hair as he licks a hot line back up to her mouth. He re-claims it, pulling her head up slightly with one hand while the other continues to travel.

Her arms are around his waist, and he is still fully dressed.

Bastard.

Yeah, bastard. Strip already!

His lips are relentless, his tongue even more so. She feels deft fingers between her legs, and shamelessly moans into his mouth when they stroke her. She writhes beneath him, knowing that's exactly what he wants.

Loki always gets what he wants from her.

After sixty five days of working for it, you would hope.

'Remember Jane,' she tells herself when he strokes her again, and then finally, with a wave of his hand, is as naked as she is. 'Three benefits to dealing with Loki Laufeyson. Remember them!'

I can think of way more than just three, but we only have half a page left.

Benefit number 1: He is, so far, the only other person in the world who knows what's going on.

Except for the reader. Times like this fourth wall breaking would come in handy. Why is it so out of style among fictional characters? I don't understand the world.

She feels the muscles in his back, lean, but rock solid. He's shifted positions, so that his erection is pressed firmly against her.

Benefit number 2: As the only other person who knows what's going on, and as a powerful sorcerer with a genius level intellect, he's also the only other person in the world who can help find a way out of this.

It's funny because when this was written, I'm pretty sure not even the writer knew a way out, didja?

(Fuck off, Deadpool)

Hey now, this was your idea for me to do this.

He removes his lips from hers again, and Jane immediately attacks his neck, returning the favor with a bite of her own. Loki growls in response, and Jane knows he's going to make her pay for that.

She looks forward to it.

Benefit number 3…

*leans forward in anticipation of incredible revelation*

He steadies her hips with his hand, and uses magic to keep the rest of her restrained. Jane finds she can still work her mouth, though, when he thrusts into her and the friction and sheer pleasure of it all makes her scream.

…He's spectacular in bed.

Six out of ten at best. I am not speaking from experience, it's merely because I am obliged to count myself, and I am an outlier whose sexual prowess would make Zeus feel like an awkward virgin.

Sorry, that's just a fact. I don't make the rules.

And with that, I have completed this little venture of mine. Stay tuned next April Fool's Day, when I review the last chapter of Lokiday!

…HA! April Fool's! We all know Artemis is never going to finish anythi-mmm mm. Mmm?! MMMM! MMMMMM!

(And then Deadpool could no longer speak because he suddenly transformed into the first movie version who got his mouth sewn shut!)

MMMMMMMMMMMM!

(Happy April Fool's Day!)

[hvproductions]

Series: Best Friends With The Avengers Chapter Name: Is That A..Bunny? Fandom: Marvel / The Avengers Word Count: 1242 Previous Chapters: Chapter 1 (X) Chapter 2 (X)

Glancing at the clock you paused your movie, moving the laptop onto the table next to you. You had been up all night, watching different horror movies since they were your favorite. Currently the clock showed 7:12 am, indicating that you had been watching movies at least seven hours straight. Due to your stomach grumbling you decided to go into the kitchen where you could grab some snacks before continuing your movie watching.

Pulling on your morning robe, you walked out of your room, looking around to see whether someone was already up. You tried to move as quietly as you could, since you knew that Loki, Steve and Bucky woke up very easily, and you didn’t want to be responsible of that. Therefore you tip-toed all your way into the kitchen, seeing Tony sleeping on the couch which meant that he was at a party yesterday night. Tony on the other hand was that type of a sleeper who wouldn’t even wake up if an explosion would happen in the same living room where he was currently sleeping. You walked over to the fridge where you took out some sandwich material before placing them onto the island in the middle of the kitchen. You began cutting some cheese onto your bread when you glanced at the living room, seeing around ten white bunnies roaming around the room. Your concentration went back to the cheese, when you suddenly realized. Bunnies?

„Goddammit Tony.“ You mumbled to yourself before you walked over to Tony, taking a pillow and hitting Tony with it.

„What?“ He groaned, shifting in his sleep. Suddenly, his eyes flew open as a bunny stared straight into his eyes. A rather girly scream escaped Tony’s lips as he jumped up from the couch, practically falling onto the ground.

„What’s wrong, Y/N? We heard you scream.“ Natasha questioned as she came rushing down the stairs along with Steve and Loki. Clint on the other hand appeared onto the scene, rubbing his eyes as he observed the room.

„It wasn’t me, it was Tony.“ You spoke, making everyone look at Tony. He was still standing on the couch, and seeing that everyone was looking at him he sat back onto the couch, sending glares to everyone.

„In my defense, I was facing a rabbit.“ He said, making you chuckle as you looked at the bunnies that were all roaming around the living room, some of them even in the kitchen.

„Where did they come from?“ Steve questioned, making everyone again look at Tony. He shrugged, not sure whether he was responsible for it or not since he couldn’t remember at all about what he had done the previous night.

„Since Tony was the only one who partied last night, I guess we can all agree that he is the one who brought the bunnies here.“ Clint explained as he walked towards the coffee machine and started making himself some black coffee.

„Now the question is what we are going to do with them?“

You along with Steve and Natasha ended up playing with the bunnies, offering them some carrots to eat. Tony categorically refused to touch them while Loki stood aside, thinking about what was so cute about those white furry animals. Clint on the other hand seemed to be too tired to even care about the load of bunnies that were in the building.

„Aren’t you a cute one?“ You questioned as you caressed one of the bunnies that were in your lap.

„Aren’t you a cute one?“ Tony mumbled under his breath. You managed to hear him, sending a glare to him before turning your attention back to the bunny.

„I don’t see why you are so fascinated with these creatures, Y/N.“ Loki said, making you send a glance over to him, smiling.

„Because they are so cute, and furry.“ You said before walking over to him, handing the bunny closer to him.

„Why don’t you pet it?“ You said, sending a smile over to him. He seemed hesitant at first, but then his hand pet the bunny, making him smirk a little before looking up to you.

„Can I hold him?“ He questioned, making you nod. You handed the bunny over to him as he started to pet the bunny, a small smile even appearing onto his face every once in a while. As soon as he saw that someone noticed the smile he hid it, not wanting no one to see that he liked the bunny.

„Great, Y/N, you managed to get Loki onto your side.“

Hours had passed when Thor stumbled into the living room, seeing a lot of bunnies in the room. He raised his eyebrow, thinking about the reason why there were so many animals in the building since he knew that Tony hated animals.

„Maiden Y/N, what are those creatures doing in the Stark Tower?“ He questioned, walking over to you. You looked over to him, smiling.

„Bunnies, Thor. And apparently Tony was so drunk last night that he did bring them here for some reason.“ You said, looking over to Tony who had an annoyed look on his face.

„Tony, what are their purpose here?“ He questioned as he pet one of the bunnies that were walking around the floor.

„How the hell should I know?“ He mumbled, annoyed at the attention that the bunnies were getting from everyone except for Clint, who was looking at the TV, not paying attention to the animals at all.

„Okay, that’s it. I’m calling someone to take them away from here.“ He suddenly announced, jumping up from the couch as he walked towards his room to get his mobile phone.

„He really doesn’t like bunnies.“ You said, taking one of the carrots to feed another bunny in your lap.

„I don’t understand why you do, though. There’s nothing interesting about them.“ Clint spoke up for the first time in two hours, turning over to look at everyone petting the bunnies.

An hour later one of the worker’s from the animal shelter came to take the bunnies away. You had a hard time to let them go, since you already became attached to them. Loki on the other hand didn’t want to let the bunny go. He had held the bunny for hours now, and when the worker from the animal shelter walked over to him to get the bunny, he refused to let him go.

„I’ll handle this.“ You said to the worker as you walked over to Loki, sending a small smile to him.

„You really like him, huh?“ You questioned, making him nod.

„I can’t explain it. I just do.“ He said, making you chuckle a little.

„That’s called attachment.“ You said, making him raise his head to look at you.

„Is there no way I could keep him?“ He questioned quietly, not wanting the others to hear that he was attached towards a bunny.

„I’m afraid not, Loki. Tony wouldn’t allow it in any way. But if you’d like, we can visit them sometimes in the animal shelter.“ You offered, making him smile a little at the offer.

„I would love to.“ He said, walking over to the worker and handing the bunny over to him. The worker left, leaving everyone except Tony and Clint in a miserable mood.

„Thanks a lot, Tony.“ You mumbled as you walked towards your room, every other Avenger besides Tony and Clint behind you.

„What did I do?“

[aquavierra]

Unpopular Opinion: Iron Man's Streak of Misfortune pt. 1

I love Captain America: Civil War as another marvel fans. It's deep and has very complicated problems that Avengers had to deal with, and apart from the storyline (which people who give a shit about this writing already knew) Captain America: CW gives you action sequence like non other movie ever gives you before (or maybe it has but I never watched it) and also did I mention that it has one of the most interesting villain aside from Loki and Thanos plus even more heroes were introduced in that movie too, everyone's favourite adorable Peter and charismatic newly crowned King T'challa which people might anticipated before. CW has impacted marvel fandom ever since the movie came out in 2016, and made some "new" fans divided into team cap and team iron man which majority of old fans already forgotten of.

I truly enjoy this movie aside the fact that one of my favourite character suffered the most in this movie. You guessed it, it's Iron Man.

People might say: "well he deserved it"

Or some people would say into my face: "he is selfish! Screw that guy"

Well, Tony is only human, what did you expect him to be? Perfect? No character defect? I don't say his actions were right again I'm not saying he is right. But what he was trying to do has reasons, good reasons that you have to look up to aside from the bad outcomes to Tony's plans.

I will give you an example if you forget or you just don't care because you hate him.

AOU -> he made Ultron: The ulterior motive why he made Ultron with Bruce was to protect earth from outer space supervillain that is too strong to even been handled by Avengers (also he was afraid to losing Avengers). He also thought that 'what if, Avengers can't be reunited?' and they are only human aside from Thor, there is bigger threat out there and they will have to take care of their personal life. Avengers will not be there every time to protect people.

Thanks for reading that part, a bit out of topic but I have to explain a bit about the main ravelment of CW

Moving on to the main topic:

Signing the Sokovia accords: I to be honest can agree to Tony's decision to sign the accords, I agree to disagree actually. I agree in the reason why the accords should be made and the reason Tony and well, his team agree with this, but I also disagree about treating avengers less than human (isolating Wanda? Huh? What the hell?), making avengers more like a group of pet that you can call every time, obey you for every commands and orders. Yeah, I sure hate the accords more than I agree to it. But remember, Tony isn't mentally stable in this movie, he broke up with his girlfriend, confronted by a mom who has a son that was killed during AOU and makes Tony even stress out after the Sokovia thing happened and left him so much regret, also don't forget that avengers broke up, the only family he had for such a long time being a playboy lone wolf. Driven by this all stress we can put ourselves into Tony situation and we can conclude that Tony wasn't really thinking when he signed the accords (who can think clearly in that very bad situation?). Another reason why Tony signing the accords is he wants to keep avengers together as a team. You would say: "if Tony didn't sign the accords avengers would probably live happily ever after."

Did you just say that 130+ don't have power to eventually make avengers break up? Also the main reason avengers break up isn't because Tony has different point of view with Steve, Tony eventually admitted he was wrong to accuse Bucky, which he thought was responsible to King T'chaka's dead. But the reason why they were really really break up (our main two heroes in avengers) was the fact Steve after all these years, he knew that his best bud, Bucky killed Tony's parents and never tell him the truth about his parents dead because he wants to protect Tony (as it said in the letter that Steve sent for Tony via FedEx).

There is no wrong and right in CW, both have their wrongs and their rights so I can't say much about this thing, it was based on your moral.

Tony in CW is a perfect resemblance to "my life is a mess" and damn I wish the script wasn't written like that (Tony has to suffer so much-too much-because the consequences of his actions), and even in the movie we see that Steve betrayed their friendship, you can say that Steve was more close to Bucky but sacrifice your hurt friend to free your other friend after your friend knew the dark truth (you still following me?) is..., you can say horrible.

I love how a user in twitter or tumblr posted about their thought about CW climax: "Did Steve realize he and Bucky beat an orphan man that has been through a lot?"