#martinet part 1

[jack-in-the-dark]

Jack Builds Spaceboats: The Martinet, Part 1: Torpedoes for Everyone!

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on this game, and some information I present may be erroneous.

So there she is, one of the reasons I actually started this rambling bit of words that like no one reads.

The story behind the Martinet actually begins way, way back when I first started playing STO. You see, the Akira-class is MY BABY. I adore the Akira-class, it is hands-down my favorite ship in all of Star Trek bar none. I've loved it every since First Contact. And the thing about the Akira-class is that is has torpedo launchers out the wazoo. 15 photon torpedo launchers, and two quantum torpedo launchers, if I'm remembering correctly. So when I started playing STO, I wanted to make that.

Long story short (I'll save that story for when I actually cover my Akira-class build), my Akira-class ended up being surprisingly pet-focused. So, I thought that I would build a pure-torpedo ship (by my standards) using the lessons I learned from making my Akira-class. I chose the Appalachia-class frame for this because she's a funky lil' ship and I didn't have anyone flying one (even though I eventually used the Steamrunner-class skin on it).

She's a very fun little ship to fly, even if she won't be winning any DPS contests (That said, I have seen 150k+ crits from her). I was initially sort of hesitant to use a Blackade Runner Escort for this (that's what STO calls the shared Steamrunner/Appalachia family) because it meant choosing an Experimental weapon, which I usually don't like because they almost always look "off" with the rest of the ship's weapons. But I recently picked up the Heritage bundle, which included the Prototype Hexa Phaser Cannons Experimental weapon, and I gotta say that little damage hose has grown on me, it's almost hilarious to see it used on a ship that functionally has them there to fill a slot.

About her name... Hyperion was fairly self-explanatory, I think, but Martinet is a little more... unusual. There's thematic reason behind it. In Star Trek Online, a torpedo weapon loses a massive chunk of its damage when it impacts shields instead of hull. The Shield Penetration skill can partially mitigate this (thus the name), but torpedoes are still much more powerful if you've drained or dropped your opponent's shields. A martinet is a spanking implement that uses multiple thin leather strips to impart a painful sting without having the mass behind it to cause injury, even with repeated strikes. So like torpedoes in STO, a martinet is best used against, ahem, a bare hull.

[shellem15]

This has been commented on many times in this fandom, but I'm using it as a springboard for my own brainrot Raphael really is just like his daddy. There's the obvious stuff—the narcissism, the dramatics, the convoluted plots and just the general messy bitchery—but there's also the stuff under the surface. Both have massive inferiority complexes, both are extremely envious and power-hungry (Mephistopheles in particular for the envy part, but we'll touch on that later), and both act extremely obsessive towards certain tools, goals, and—most relevant to this post—people.

Now Raphael is definitely weird towards Tav/Durge, but it's a bit more ambiguous as to whether he's obsessed with them in particular or just sees them as a means to an end. The situation with Hope, on the other hand, is quite explicit. Raphael is obsessed with her, even naming his home after her, but there's not really anything material he gets out of her. Him imprisoning and torturing her is not a means to an end, he just does it because he's a sadist. He wants her attention, he is entertained by her defiance, he wants to break her—he both loves and loathes her.

And what do you know! Raphael's thing towards Hope is kinda similar to how Mephistopheles acts with his object of obsession—Asmodeus. Now, if you need to know anything about Mephisto's character, it's that he's envious. Envious towards his peers, envious towards his betters, even envious towards his inferiors—he resents that others' have what he does not. Even Martinet, Asmodeus' unflappable constable, thinks so: "Were Mephistopheles to become the King of Hell, it would take him less than an hour to start wondering why he wasn’t also ruler of Mount Celestia." (Guide to Hell, p. 45)

The #1 target of Mephisto's envy is Asmodeus. The man is capital-o Obsessed with him, ya'll.  Asmo is on his mind 24/7, haunting his every thought. He lives rent-free in Mephisto's head.

Mephisto is the silver medal to Asmo's golden 1st place. Eternally living in his shadow, the Starscream to Asmo's Megatron. He is always one step behind him—like, Mephistopheles has been trying to become a god for a while now, and just when he was about to succeed, the spellplague happened and Asmodeus ate the god Azuth like an energy bar, snatching up godhood by sheer luck. And then, of course, Mephisto's godhood plan fell through so now the power divide between them is even greater than it was before.

Bro tries so hard and it just doesn't work. Like, when Mephisto was going through his rebrand phase as the Lord of Hellfire, he changed his appearance to that of the "quintessential devil". But all that ended up doing is making mortals confused about who exactly he is—a lot of mortals straight up think he is Asmodeus. Like, to the point that Asmo just went "you're the manager of my cults now lol", so now the distinction between the two is even more blurry. Also, Mephisto's wife is straight up closer to Asmo than she is to him (see my Baalphegor post), which is just another spit in the face. Bro cannot win. (This ties into another similarity between him and his son; Raphael clearly got the loser gene from him.)

Now, obviously the situation between Raphael and Hope is very different than Mephisto's relationship towards Asmo—Hope is Raphael's captive, while Asmo is Mephisto's boss; Hope's life has been upended and tormented by Raphael, while Mephisto is at most an annoyance towards Asmo (bro has repeatedly told Asmo to his face that he would usurp him and Asmo is just like "whatever, dude")—but the level of obsession is similar. Raphael hates hope but is also desperate for her affection, Mephistopheles loathes and envies Asmodeus but is also his greatest ally. Both are desperate to fu—*ahem* both are psycho-sexually obsessed with them.

So, yeah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

TLDR: Raphael inherited his psycho-sexually obsessive tendencies from his daddy lol. Also you should really read the lore about Asmodeus and Mephistopheles' relationship because it's actually insane y'all. Like this shit was made for the gays people.

[shadowgast-recs-weekly]

Scourger/Evil AUs!

This week, we're getting a little twisted with some scourger/evil AUs. Enjoy nine AUs where the nein don't really play much of a part. Check them out beneath the cut, and don't be shy about letting the authors know if you liked them!

let it blaze alight by GammaRey (7386, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

Ballroom meetcute, but Essek is also a vampire and Caleb is on a mission.

Reccer says: It is so hot, and I love how Caleb is portrayed.

play with fire by mllekurtz (4749, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: None

Essek hates parties, but at least there’s an interesting conversation to be had with one of the Cerberus’s liasons.

Reccer says: Wonderful snark, intrigue, and tension unraveling into a hot unexpected sending. Part 1 of a fantastic series, birds of prey.

zwiefacher by VillainIHaveDoneThyMother (118 171, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: Rape/Non-con

Bren didn't totally break down and grow as the assistant of Trent. He met a drow at the Martinet.

Reccer says: Scourger!Caleb but he is not evil, he just didn't have the opportunity to flee the grasp of Trent. He still has a kindness that is misused by the repeated intervention of Modify Memory. Essek is the prisoner of Ludinus, and it is very interesting to see them interact with the swapped power imbalance (from the canon).

you're in my veins, i'm chained, to your pain radio by allmadeofstardust (18117, Teen) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn

An unbroken Bren meets a jaded Shadowhand. The two of them could topple entire governments. They could make two whole nations bend to their will. But something might get in the way.

Reccer says: I wrote this! I am very very proud of the way I integrated the twist into it, and I loved playing around with how even at their utmost worst and ruthless, these two still find a way to fall in love and see each other as they can be. Dark and dastardly with a sliver of hope.

portraiture of a drow by burningafterdark (burningdarkfire) (2108, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes

The Shadowhand has never been surprised by Bren Aldric Ermendrud.

Reccer says: Based off of an amazing piece of art, they're both so fucked up and horrible for each other (affectionate)

Inciting Incident by thetickingclock (983, Mature) Reccer's Content Notes: Major Character Death, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Referenced Child Abuse

Essek says, “I think we’ve met before.” The Scourger in the cell lifts his head. That shock of red hair is so bright in the dark. “Have we?”

Reccer says: It's twisty and fragmented and upsetting in the best way

half light by prolix (21853, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Under-negotiated kink

(From the author’s summary) On the brink of war between the Empire and the Dynasty, Essek is visited by a Scourger tasked with assassinating him once his use runs out.

Reccer says: Beautifully written, EXCELLENT characterization - only two chapters posted and I am HOOKED. Bren has Essek on his toes and hackles raised, and Essek surprises Bren with his reactions.

tether essence by Laeveteinn (16331, Mature) Reccer's Content Notes: Choose Not to Warn, Dubcon/Consensual Non Consent, Self distructive behaviors

Each time Essek returns to his towers, he searches them for new evidence of Dwendalian trespassing. He catalogues every rumpled cushion cover, every ink spot, every dunamantic text left slightly out of place. It is, he imagines, not unlike coming home to another person.

Reccer says: Romantic and really fucked up, like a cat leaving you a dead mouse in your bed (but also romantic)

And then two recs for this last one:

a body in absentia by nonwal (103601, Explicit) Reccer's Content Notes: No Content Notes, Choose Not to Warn

Scourger Bren decides to seduce the Shadowhand and finds that the best way to convince someone to be vulnerable with you is to be vulnerable in turn

Reccer 1 says: I liked it! Reccer 2 says: Honestly, this is probably my favourite scourger au fic. Bren is fucked up the characterisation is all on point. And the M9 there are also great.

Want more? Well, we did a previous scourger/evil AU reclist back in March 2023, so you can check those out!

This is one of our weekly communally-generated shadowgast rec lists. Every week we announce a new theme and allow anyone to submit a fic recommendation. 

And hey, anyone includes you!

Next week, we'll have a Christmas Eve (or 24th) with Professor Widogast!

Any fics coming to mind? Well, then use this form to submit!

[redcloaklynx]

I think it's insane that the two things we know about Vellioth are so contradictory and that contradiction makes him so compelling. Ok I can't explain this concisely.

...there we go.

[THAT INITIAL COMPELLING CONTRADICTION]

So Vellioth's epithet was "the Martinet" - meaning he was strict and enforced discipline, and yeah that makes sense. We learn of two punishments that Cazador suffered through, and "seeing your friend drained dry because you reached out to them" is pretty standard for what I expect a vampire to do, while the second, "getting impaled for 11 years for executing a failed plan, I don't even care that you were trying to rebel" is, I assume, the harshest punishment Vellioth meted out (Vellioth only lived 72 years! That was at least 1/7th of Cazador's spawnhood!).

On the other hand he was madly laughing when Cazador killed him, when he was melted to his bones and his soul was made into ink and trapped in the palace - how do you reconcile this behaviour with that of a 'strict disciplinarian'? Especially one who got everything to go the way he planned, which included his own very painful death? I can totally accept that his personality was not the stereotype I originally assumed (emotionless militaristic sergeant); that he was plenty expressive, that's awesome and I'm far more interested in his character now actually, but the other part?

If he is a meticulous and successful planner, why did he dedicate his life's work, as an immortal vampire, towards making a successor that carries his legacy but hates him?

Because I do believe Vellioth got everything he wanted, unlike Cazador. So that we're on the same page, here's an entire section to explain why.

[WHY I THINK VELLIOTH SUCCEEDED AT WHATEVER THE HELL HE WAS TRYING TO DO]

Mainly, my reasons are that Vellioth laughed and willingly gave his blood in the rite where he died, that Cazador follows Vellioth's lessons to the letter, and that Vellioth's presence leaves the palace when he feels like it.

For reference, here are Vellioth's lessons:

First lesson: "always to dominate. Allow none to be your equal." The example provided is of Vellioth draining a friend of Cazador dry, after Cazador reached out to them

Second lesson: "power comes from solitude. To share with others is to be weak, and to be weak is to fail... and die." And the juicy part, where Cazador was impaled for 11 years, not because he rebelled, but because he failed at the attempt

Third lesson: "to act not in haste. A near immortal has time to plan, time to act only when others will pay the price of action." Then, when Vellioth deemed Cazador learned his lessons, letting him become a true vampire in a rite where they both laughed

Notice that Cazador follows these better than Vellioth: he doesn't allow any of his spawn to be his equal - to become a true vampire, he's lonely, and he reigns for longer.

Also, in the game, once the player learns these lessons, "Vellioth is no more." After haunting the palace for two centuries. What.

Like in the same room there's a scroll that reads "For my sins, my soul was made ink and written onto this parchment, where its scrawl crawls sleeplessly for eternity - unless you free it." which implies Vellioth was trapped by Cazador, but I don't see why Cazador would make the freeing mechanism "tell some high-wisdom stranger about my past as a slave." That part felt like Vellioth giving one last middle finger to Caz, and choosing to ditch before he witnesses his spawn fail and die to the player. Which means Vellioth had chosen to stay "trapped" in the painful/humiliating display Cazador mounted entirely willingly.

Cazador objectively seems like the more successful vampire, reaching the Ascension that is every vampires' wet dream, but he ends up unhappy (I'm referencing that Detect Thoughts on Cazador in his coffin that reveals he thinks of himself as a monster that will not end, and eternal unlife as a curse). Vellioth, meanwhile; all signs point towards him executing his plans flawlessly, and without regrets. I can only conclude, for some reason, that this is the future he wanted.

[CONCLUSION]

What I'm saying is that Vellioth got what he wanted, but what he wanted doesn't makes any sense. His priorities are out of whack.

Why? Certainly the easy answer, in my opinion, is that he went mad, possibly through Cazador's machinations (how else do you get a vampire lord to willingly give you his blood?). I don't have a better answer - I don't really care about that question, actually. Rather, in conclusion, can I invite you to consider my attempt to compile canon-compliant Vellioth traits?

-> Vellioth doesn't fear death. He doesn't want to live forever. He never liked the benefits of vampirism (never thought of it as a gift), 70 years of unlife was long enough for him, or did Donnella ruin it for him?

-> Vellioth is selfless? Humble? Cautious? According to Astarion, vampires are power-hungry creatures who see all other vampires as competitors. Vellioth doesn't try to make himself known, doesn't try for world domination (as far as we know), and the legacy he leaves is purely in Cazador's name. He is, for some reason, not vain or power-hungry, at least not for himself. (I do doubt that a vampire can be selfless or humble though.)

-> Maybe he sees Cazador's accomplishments as an extension of his own? His lessons sure don't prime Cazador to perpetuate the cycle; he doesn't expect Cazador to have a successor. Maybe he thought Cazador was more likely to complete the Rite of Profane Ascension, and stuck around to see it happen?

okay thanks for reading please don't be too mean if I said something stupid. and a disclaimer: i do not care if your vellioth is not canon compliant. i love reading vellioths that do not at all follow what i have in mind. i analyze canon for fun, i am not trying to police anybody

[teegeeteegee]

Super Mario Bros Movie Talk Part 1: Mario

I finally have the time to talk about the movie. As of right now, the plan is to break it up and talk about certain sections of the movie. I may come back and edit these posts here and there, but these posts will mostly consist of what comes to mind at the moment.

With that said, what better way than to start this endeavor than to talk about the main man himself?

The movie did a great job with Mario. In the games, Mario is this mostly upbeat character without a lot of depth. He doesn't get to have any lengthy dialogue and only says a few albeit iconic catch phrases here and there. In the movie, however, he is a determined, brave, and adventurous guy who has a huge chip on his shoulder and wants to prove himself. However, he is made to be small both literally and figuratively as not only is his height the subject of jokes, he isn't taken seriously by everyone around him including his own family.

Having said that, Mario does have his flaws. His main one is his impulsive nature. Although his heart is in the right place, he is so eager to go out and do something that he doesn't think of any potential consequences that may come from his actions. The main one that comes to mind is when he dragged Luigi into the Brooklyn sewers to try to fix the water leak that flooded the streets, resulting in both of them being sucked into a pipe that led Mario to the Mushroom Kingdom and Luigi to the Dark Lands. Him having such flaws make him more relatable rather than him being immediately being great at everything. Despite saving the day at the end, there is this feeling he still has things he needs to improve on.

The last thing I'll talk about is Chris Pratt. There was a lot of skepticism about him when he was announced as the voice for Mario, and the first trailer did very little to ease any of it. Admittedly, I was disappointed Charles Martinet wasn't going to voice Mario, although I was happy he got to take part in the movie. With that said, I wanted to see the movie first before basing my thoughts on Chris Pratt's performance, and I have to say he did Mario justice. That's not to say he was perfect, but he did enough to make Mario believable. Most important, he wasn't awful enough to make me long for Martinet. Pratt has made a living playing or voicing the everyman character roles, and who in the video game industry depicts this more than our favorite Italian plumber?

In the end, one of the main things the movie got right was the portrayal of Mario. Seeing that he's the main protagonist, it would have been a disappointment had he not been rootable. Should there be any sequels, I would be interested to see what they do with him from here.

[best-fictional-pterosaur]

Saurnament Profiles: Blue [Jurassic Park/World]

Blue is a "velociraptor" from the Jurassic Park franchise, specifically the Jurassic World movies, or the JCU/Jurassic Cinematic Universe as no one calls it. Born in a lab and raised more or less from birth by some guy that sounds exactly like Mario from the Super Mario Bros. Movie (and nowhere else), Blue is the beta of a pack of velociraptors, with the alpha being the aforementioned not-Charles-Martinet. She was raised in captivity as part of the new park's asset collection, and after the events of the 2nd film in the World series, flees and begins living in the Californian wilderness, while appearing to maintain some level of affection for her former tamer.

Now, the Jurassic World films have a built in defense mechanism for their dinosaur designs in that strictly speaking, none of them are actually true dinosaurs. They are essentially chimeras, created from the remains of dinosaurs, but with genetic material from various other animals, such as frogs and cuttlefish, to fill in the gaps as needed. So, it's technically futile to criticize them for accuracy, but I'm going to anyway in this case!

The JCU would have you believe these creatures are the size of short adult humans with incredible social skills and intelligence on par, or even surpassing that of humans. But in reality, these things differ from real velociraptors in 3 main ways: feathers, size, and intelligence. The first two can be summarized by this image:

Velociraptor is 2; 3 is the Austroraptor and 1 is the Microraptor. If the only dinosaur in image that you're bigger than has "micro" in its name, you're definitely not known for your size.

As you can see, Velociraptors were tiny! And, like many theropods, were covered in feathers! Note that not ALL dinosaurs had feathers, in fact most probably didn't. I plan to make another post on feathers later, but only a small subset of raptors had full on feathers. But, velociraptors were almost certainly one of them!

And as far as intelligence goes, well. It's impossible to measure human intelligence, let alone that of animals, let ALONE that of animals that died millennia ago. So we'll never know for sure. That said, the JCU depicts these things as highly social, capable of empathy, with the ability to use tools and calculate, all traits reserved for the most intelligent of animals, like apes and crows.

There is really no evidence for this. We don't even know for sure if they hunted in packs. But we also have no reason to believe they had any of these intellect based traits; by modern estimation they were no more or less smart than the average (non parrot, non corvid) bird. Pretty smart as far as animals go, but most likely not able to set traps and such. So less "clever girl" and more "moderately intelligent girl".

[auroraknux]

I've already complained a lot about the pacing, and how the film suffers because of it. So now I want to switch gears and talk about some of the stuff I did like (it's a long list!). Putting it under a read more, because of spoilers:

Mario being a protective big brother ❤️

Mario calling Luigi "Lu" (it's no "Weegee" or "Weeg", but it's still cute)

"Nothing can hurt us as long as we're together"

The flashback of the baby bros 😭

Luigi being the one to protect Mario at the end

Mario and Luigi's relationship in general is so incredibly sweet and definitely the highlight of the film for me

Peach is a badass, but she's also cute. Which is exactly how I think she should be depicted

Toad is cute and funny, and I wish we could've seen more of his dynamic with Mario and Peach

Mario and Peach's interactions are cute, even if they're rushed

THE MARIO AND LUIGI HUG WJEHEBEJSUUSUDHSHSBSHSHSJSJ IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN THE LM3 HUG I'M 😭 THE FOREHEAD TOUCH AHWEHEHEHDNJE THEY'RE THE BEST SIBLINGS EVER I WOULD DIE FOR THEM

I like Peach's backstory (even if I have a lot of questions about the circumstances surrounding them crowning her princess). I think it's sweet that she became their protector after they raised her. The idea of her possibly being from Mario's world is also very interesting to me. I hope fanfic writers go nuts with that

Mario having daddy issues is kind of a funny concept to me, but also really interesting, and it's something I'd like to see explored more (probably in fanfics)

I love how sweet and supportive their mom is!

Mario and DK's rivalry is fun

CAT MARIO IS SO ADORABLE SJHWHSJJWJJSSJ I LOVE HIM

Luigi 💚 (literally all he has to do is exist and I love him with all my heart and soul)

Lumalee was funny (even if I wish they'd actually done something with the character)

I was disappointed about Peach not actually using the halberd, but she still gets to beat up Bowser, so I'm not complaining too much

Peaches 🍑

The concept of Bowser being able to play piano is something I never realized I needed in my life (definitely need to incorporate it into a future fanfic)

I love the way they incorporated the game mechanics into the worldbuilding. I want to see what they'd do with other stuff, like 1-ups (like we thought we were getting)

The idea of Mario hating mushrooms is funny

Pauline got a cameo at least

The score was great

The DK Rap being included was funny

It's cool to have official versions of Mario's parents (even if they're probably not canon)

Having Charles Martinet voice Mario's dad was a cute touch (and it makes him saying "these are my boys!" at the end really sweet in a meta way)

I actually liked most of the voices. The only one that remotely bothered me was Cranky, because he doesn't sound old enough, but even then I don't really hate it. Yes, I actually came around to Prattio in the end, so fucking sue me (it helps that his performance is better than in the trailers, and you can actually hear the Brooklyn accent now)

The Bowser's Fury theme playing in one part made me so happy because that's one of my favorite Mario games ever

I loved seeing Mario being insecure and scared! It was really refreshing

This might sound weird, but I actually appreciate them not holding back on the violence in some places. The most notable example is during the climax, when Mario is all bruised up from Bowser beating the shit out of him

As I've said before, the animation is absolutely gorgeous. The expressive character animation and the color choices are what really make it shine

The action sequences are so good! Even just Peach doing the training course was mesmerizing

Peach is just...so nice. People were assuming she'd be a stereotypical girlboss that hates men or some crap, but she really isn't. (I never did; I had faith that they'd get her right.) She waits for Mario to complete his training so he can save Luigi, even though there's a looming threat to her kingdom. She lets Mario go with her even though he didn't complete it, and tries to make him feel better about not getting it on the first try. And she's willing to marry someone she hates just to protect her kingdom (and then tricks him and beats him up). I love her 💖

I like how Peach says "my Toads"; it feels like she's saying "my family" (because they are her family, and she'll never let anything happen to them 🩷)

I already mentioned Mario and Luigi's relationship. But one scene that I haven't seen anyone talk about it when they're in Mario's room after their dad rejects him, and Luigi tries to comfort him. Mario is a great brother in this movie, but so is Luigi 💚

As much as I love Mario x Peach, I'm glad they don't try to force the relationship (outside of other characters shipping them, lol). There's not much time for that to happen--partly because of the pacing, but also because they're both focused on stopping Bowser and wouldn't be thinking much about that anyway. I would like to see some romance between them in a potential sequel, but I also want the development of their relationship to feel natural

Mario finding his strength and confidence through his desire to protect the people he cares about 🥰

They did the "So long gay Bowser" tail swing

The character designs are sooooooo good! Mario and Luigi are precious, Peach is pretty, Bowser looks cool, etc. I love how everyone looks! 👌

Luigi's hair 😏

There's probably more I could add here, but I should probably stop before this post becomes ridiculously long lol. Despite the issues I had with this movie, there's still a lot I appreciate about it. And it made me smile and laugh the whole way through, so that makes it good in my book. It's definitely going to be one of my comfort movies from now on.

[actually-autisticc]

My thoughts on the Super Mario Movie

My autistic ass needs someone to talk to about this film and I have nobody. I know I don’t post as often anymore on here but I need to let this energy out. Here’s what did work and didn’t work

What did work:

the animation: DAMN. It looked amazing. I loved how smooth they looked on screen and the details of the character models, the background, etc. You can tell they put a lot of love into it. It felt so nice to see our favorite video game characters on screen like this. All of the references were such a joy to find and recognize. It’s also crazy that Mario came from being an 8bit model to this glorious, detailed, 3D model. And some scenes “camera” moved in a way that would be in a game. When Mario and Luigi were on their way to their first plumbing job, the “camera” moved sideways as the first Mario games were side-scrolling. When Toad and Mario were heading to the castle and poor Mario was being thrown around, the “camera” moved around like I guess the newer games? I mean it looked like Super Mario Odyssey but there could be other games, I haven’t played every single one (now I want to). Really cool attention to detail. My autistic ass loves attention to detail. The models looked good as well like Bowser’s scales and the brothers’ clothing. Funny how 3D animation wasn’t as detailed before like with Veggietales and Toy Story 1 but now we have HAIR. You get it.

The music: Some parts hit, some didn’t. I loved the orchestral remixes of our beloved songs. When the kart scene came on, I immediately recognized the music and felt PUMPED, especially when they were making the karts and I heard the Mario Kart 8 theme. I wanted to jump out of my seat but couldn’t cause I didn’t wanna be weird. Hearing the theme songs as well felt satisfying. It scratched that itch I didn’t know I needed to be scratched. I found myself listening to the soundtrack right after. I’m glad they chose 80’s songs rather than fucking Doja Cat or whatever but it still threw me off hearing Take On Me, Holding Out for a Hero, and Mr. Blue Sky. (Cmon Shrek did Holding Out better. No topping it) As much as I love those songs, I remembered that this is an Illumination movie so of course they’d have popular songs. If they left the pop songs in the human world and kept the Mario songs in the Mushroom kingdom, etc, it would’ve made a little more sense. No Sleep til Brooklyn was good tho, made sense cause they live in Brooklyn and they were in the human world.

Chris Pratt: Yes, I know everyone was skeptical of Chris Pratt playing Mario. I love Chris in Guardians of the Galaxy as Peter Quill so I didn’t have much doubt but since he is a celebrity and you know how movies these days (mainly Illumination) love to get big names in their films. I wasn’t disappointed. He was good, not bad. As much as I love Martinet’s iconic Mario, I don’t think I’d be able to handle hearing it the whole time. It’s iconic but let’s be real hearing “let’s-a-go!” the whole time is a bit jarring. Mario’s from Brooklyn so that’s what Chris tried. And his Wahoo! was good! You knew he didn’t want to ruin this character because of how much it holds. He TRIED. And Martinet as Giuseppe saying “it’s a perfect!” Felt like he was sharing the torch with Chris. He squished all the critics doubts by saying “he’s Mario too, it’s fine. Deal with it.” Hearing the voice made me smile so wide, it was like hearing an old friend. I think he even said that doing Mario’s voice too much hurt so we don’t want him to feel any pain for our sake! We all owe Chris an apology. You did great bro

Seth Rogan: I love DK. He’s big, loud, goofy, and strong. Seth did that right and honestly idk who else would play him. Hearing Seth’s iconic laugh made me laugh, idk who can hate it. It fit DK as it kind of…sounded ape-like? The whole fight between Mario and DK was straight out of a game. I loved the interaction between DK and Mario. They’re enemies at first but soon, they respect each other as in the games. I wish that wasn’t the whole character development between two characters in the movie, I wish it was Mario & Luigi, Mario and toad, or Mario and Peach. Hell, even Mario and Bowser. But this is only the first movie so we’ll see more

Anna-Taylor Joy: not much to say about her. I think Peach was fun and I’m glad they didn’t go the “damsel in distress” or “girl boss” route. We get it, we’re becoming SOMEWHAT better in terms of shit like that but god we don’t need it every time. Peach was a badass, she cared for her kingdom and subjects, and she was sweet. That’s Peach! It wasn’t the “I don’t need no man” or forced relationship with Mario and that was good. I loved Peach’s racing outfit too and all the power ups. Peach was awesome, I’m glad they didn’t ruin her

Charlie Day: I haven’t seen much of him but wow I loved his Luigi! I always loved Luigi, he was always the b guy and he deserves a lot of love. He’s adorable. I wish Luigi had more of an interaction with Bowser. We could’ve gotten a lot of funny scenes with them together (of course it’d be fuel to the shipping fire) and it was cut too short. I mean, bowser didn’t need MUCH from Luigi, he just needed information so it wouldn’t make sense why he’d keep him around when he could throw him in the dungeon with Luma, the penguins, etc. And the whole thing with Mario and Luigi “sticking together” was nice but…they weren’t together AS much? Yes, Bowser kidnapped him but idk it didn’t really feel so emotional. Their team up at the end was amazing of course, had the biggest smile with the star music on. Luigi must be protected

Keegan-Michael Key: His Toad was good! Kind of wished we saw more of Toad and Mario together but he was the comic relief. Sucked he wasn’t in it as much but maybe next movie.

Jack Black: MY MAN. GOD HE KILLED IT. Was that any surprise? No, everyone knew Jack was gonna bring his a-game and he did. Bowser’s singing was amazing, I was cracking up during that scene. PEACHES PEACHES PEACHES aah it’s good. I loved how Bowser went from his usual scary self to a big sweetheart who just wants to love someone. Yea, he did threaten to kill Peach’s kingdom if she didn’t marry him but hey he said he wouldn’t if she agreed! You can absolutely tell Jack loved his role and that’s so important in movies for it to turn out well. Honestly, I’d say Bowser was my favorite in the whole movie! (Ngl, Bowser kinda..) Bowser was intimidating at parts, especially with Luigi. He was a lot scarier than I remembered and damn he is a power house. Im surprised that I didn’t see him utilize his shell and spin with it but whatever.

The story: yes there wasn’t much of a big plot. Do I care? Not really. It’s Mario! You don’t really need a plot per se because you already know the characters, you know the concept of Super Mario. To me, it was as if I was playing a really well animated game. It was fast, fun, and left me with a warm fuzzy feeling. The plot WAS Bowser coming, Mario and Luigi starting a company and not feeling like they’re on top. You don’t need a different story with Mario. Yes, this movie wasn’t on the level of Into the Spider-Verse or Puss in Boots like we were expecting but it didn’t need to be. I had a great time with a story or not

The sound effects: god, the little kid in me wanted to SCREAM. It felt so satisfying to hear all the sounds we hear in the games from hitting a shell, hitting the mystery box, or landing on the flag pole at the end of a level. They really hit the nail with them. And Luigi’s ringtone was GameCube!!

Oh yeah I loved Kamek’s voice. He sounded exactly how I pictured it. He was great. Loved the scene of him dressing up as Peach and getting ANGRY that he didn’t kiss Bowser

What didn’t work:

The slow motion moments: this was when I remembered “oh yea, illumination made this.” Some of the moments were fine with Mario giving Peach a side eye (with rizz). That was funny. But all the other times, it felt like the screaming goats in Thor Love and Thunder. In other words, it was used too much. To me, the slow-motion parts are just “haha, their voice is deep and slow. They move slowly. Haha funny joke.”

The songs: I did say the songs worked but they didn’t at the same time. I LOVED hearing all the familiar songs and sounds from the games. I liked the 80’s songs as Mario was made in the 80’s but it didn’t fit movie. As I said, it would’ve been better if they kept the 80’s songs in the human world and the Mario-esque songs in the Mushroom Kingdom, etc. But Illumination has gotta…illuminate I guess

The pacing: I felt like it was TOO quick. They go from Mario ending up in the Mushroom Kingdom and he finds Toad with barely an introduction and they rush to the castle. Then Mario finds Peach who just so happens to be going to the same place at the right time. There wasn’t enough time to breathe and there could’ve been so many good character interactions and development if they made it longer. We could have had more of Bowser and Luigi, Mario and Toad and Peach. I mean there are lots of characters and they have yet to introduce Yoshi, the Koopalings, and Daisy so hopefully it will be better in the second.

Illumination: I’m not too crazy with this studio. I love Despicable Me 1&2 but the rest are just meh. There were moments in the movie that were just so like this studio that it somewhat felt weird. The plumbing scene was funny but I think that is a good example. The whole thing with the dog being malicious was an Illumination thing. So were some of the models of the humans. The songs. Idk. If this movie was made by another studio like Dreamworks or Sony, maybe it would’ve been better??

Overall, I’d give this movie a 7.5/10. It had great moments and a lot going for it but there is still room for improvement. And that’s completely okay because we still have another movie. We only saw these characters on screen for ONE movie so there’s still more to be seen. I say fuck the critics, they don’t know what they’re talking about. This movie didn’t need to be woke or whatever. It almost didn’t need a plot. This movie was such a beautiful love letter to all of the Nintendo fans and I was smiling the entire time. They knew not to make it flop because of how iconic and beloved Mario is. I felt like a little kid again as I watched my favorite video game characters on screen and now I feel the need to play my Wii or switch. I look forward to seeing what they do in the next film.

TLDR: go see it. It’s a lot of fun

Also LET ME VOICE YOSHI I CAN DO HIS VOICE. IM GOING TO BE ON A TEACHER’S SALARY IM GONNA BE BROKE

[voiceactormarchmadness]

Round 1 Part 1 Master Post

Group 1

a. Grey Delisle Griffin VS Nika Futterman

b. Hank Azaria VS Billy West

c. Rob Paulsen VS Richard Steven Horvitz

d. E.G. Daily VS Kimberly Brooks

e. Ashley Johnson VS Troy Baker

f. Luci Christian VS Caitlin Glass

g. Johnny Yong Bosch VS Monica Rial

h. Jennifer Hale VS Ben Diskin

Group 2

a. Stephanie Beatriz vs Mark Hamill

b. Charles Martinet vs Lorenzo Music

c. John DiMaggio vs Kath Soucie

d. Laura Bailey vs Christine Cavanaugh

e. Liam O'Brien vs Steve Blum

f. Jason Marsden vs Will Friedle

g. Khary Payton vs Greg Cipes

h. Zach Valenti vs Jonny Sims

Group 3

a. Cree Summer vs Tress MacNeille

b. Josh Grelle vs Zeno Robinson

c. Tom Kenny vs Frank Oz

d. Don Messick vs Daws Butler

e. Jeff Bennet vs Kari Wahlgren

f. Frank Welker vs Jim Cummings

g. Yuri Lowenthal vs Greg Ayres

h. Tara Strong vs Kevin Conroy

Group 4

a. Mel Blanc vs June Foray

b. Lauren Tom vs Dee Bradley Baker

c. Phil LaMarr vs Kelly Hu

d. Brina Palenica vs Robbie Daymond

e. Patrick Warburton vs Wendie Malick

f. Wendee Lee vs Stephanie Sheh

g. Maurice LaMarche vs Keith Ferguson

h. Kevin Michael Richardson vs Fred Tatasciore

[fantasy-escapism-and-dnd]

Country Overviews Part 1: Kathia

Country Name: Kathia

Ruler: Queen Aerith Trisstaera

Continent: Davresh

Capital City: Talandren

Capital City Size: Large

Government Type: Parliamentary Democracy (Monarch + Elected Officials)

Gov't Extended: Monarchs are not allowed to be Magickally gifted at all. The monarch's advisors are solely mages. The monarch is advised by a council of 15 mages, each with their own specialty.

Population Breakdown: 55% Elves, 20% Human, 10% Dwarf, 10% Halfling, 5% Other

Landscape Breakdown: 60% Forest, 20% Plains, 15% Swamps, 5% Other

Largest Export(s): Lumber, Grains, Ale

Largest Import(s): Stone, Ore, Fabric

Magick System: Magick can be innately gained (born with) or taught via a source.

Magick Source: In the Celeste Greenwood toward the southern border of the country, there is a single, long, complex cave network. Within these caves grow these green luminescent crystals called Kesyt. These crystals are natural Magick enhancers. Kesyt is often used as a focus for those learning Magick, or for those casting more difficult spells.

Kesyt: Often formed into rings or placed on the top of a staff, Kesyt is the only natural Magick enhancer in Kathia. Those who seek to use Kesyt for aesthetic as well as power will sometimes put it in necklaces or headdresses.

Military Size: Large

Landmarks: Celeste Greenwood (Forest), Enchanted Valley (Plains), The Violet Marsh (Swamp)

Towns/Cities: Talandren, Aish'ara, Mytf'ehil, Goldshade, Efal Asari, Silvertide, Amberfrost

Guard Names: Queensguard (Captains = Martinets)

Coat of Arms Description: A green background with a large silver tree in the center with golden leaves along the bottom

[jack-in-the-dark]

Jack Builds Spaceboats: The Martinet, Part 2: Spam the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on this game, and some information I present may be erroneous.

So torpedoes in Star Trek Online are not natively spammable. If you want your ship to spew out photon torpedoes like it's Christmas at the Explosion Factory, you're going to have to jump through some hoops.

I believe I've mentioned that before in STO, torpedoes have a relatively long cooldown (from 4 seconds with Kelvin Photon Torpedoes to 10 seconds for Chroniton, to 30 seconds for Tricobalt) and every time you fire a torpedo, it triggers a global cooldown on all your other equipped torpedoes. So we have two cooldowns to manage here.

The global cooldown is, ironically, the easier of the two to deal with... if you're willing to pony up some cash (or be patient). The Terran Eagle raider ($30 in the game store) comes with a Covert Warhead Module universal console. It gives you a clicky that cloaks you and attaches a time bomb to enemies you pass close to, but that's not why we're here. We're here for this console's FANTASTIC passive: it sets the global torpedo cooldown to 1.5 seconds, or 0.5 seconds if the ship has pilot maneuvers (the Martinet does not, sadly). So as long as you have a loaded torpedo, you can fire a minimum of one ever second and a half. Nahbad!

Now, the torpedo cooldown itself. Naturally, she's equipped with multiple torpedo launchers - three fore, two aft. They're crafted Photon torpedo launchers, natively having a six-second reload. With the Covert Warhead module, that means I've fired all three torpedoes in three seconds (first, 1.5 sec wait, second, 1.5 sec wait, third), and the global cooldown is ready again after a total of 4.5 seconds - leaving us a second and a half shy of being able to fire torpedoes again.

The cheaper solution to this is to equip three Projectile Weapon duty officers that each give you a 20% chance to reduce the cooldown of torpedoes - you can't have more than three of them active, though.

The expensive (as in, currently priced at 230 million credits on the exchange) is the starship trait Ceaseless Momentum, which reduces all torpedo cooldowns by 1 second every time you fire a torpedo, addition to +5% bonus kinetic damage and kinetic damage resistance for 45 seconds (stacking up to five times). With Ceaseless Momentum equipped, that means that by the time our third torpedo launches, our first torpedo has completed its reload and will be ready to fire when the global cooldown finishes. It still leaves a gap with the aft torpedoes since there's only two firing, but the aft torpedoes exist to fill in the gap while I turn to bring the target into my forward firing arc.

It may be wince-inducingly expensive, but by god does it get the job done.

I mentioned earlier that the Photon Torpedo Launchers I have are crafted. This is so that each of them has the [Spr] modifier, which is so much fun. You see, the Bridge Officer Ability Torpedoes: Spread is sort of the torpedo equivalent of FAW (this is a bit of a lie, but you'll get the idea); When activated, it makes your next attack fire multiple torpedoes at multiple enemies in that launcher's arc - more torpedoes and more enemies depending on whether you're firing the rank I, II, or III of the ability. The [Spr] modifier gives the launcher a native 7.5% to upgrade the next torpedo attack to a free Spread I, which is just handy and fun. And Torpedoes: Spread is an AOE on each target hit as well, making it very useful against groups of enemies.

I think that's enough rambling for now. I'll give a more thorough rundown of the Martinet's build when I get around to writing Part 3.

[thejacksmit]

First Take: The Super Mario Bros Movie - press start to enter world 1-1

SYNOPSIS: A plumber named Mario travels through an underground labyrinth with his brother, Luigi, trying to save a captured princess.

It’s the film that Nintendo have been trying to make for nearly 30 years - after the critically mauled Bob Hoskins effort in 1993, many failed attempts, and a bidding war so intense it makes the long wait to get N64 GoldenEye on current consoles look pale in comparison, Shigeru Miyamoto turned to a studio who also know how to unleash small, funny voiced characters into the world: Illumination. This Japanese/French/American alliance has resulted in a new animated film, and it is a relief to say that they got it right this time.

Aaron Jorvath and Michael Jelenic - two directors who have form with adapting major IP to animation (following their work on Warner’s Teen Titans Go To the Movies) are in charge of this film, and even with the sheer amount of control Nintendo have on the look, feel and plot of this 1 hour 32 minute release, they do a brilliant job making it as close to the games as they can get it. Matt Fogel’s script is a key part of this, as it takes a lot of main pieces from across the various releases and does some, well, rather interesting things with backstories alongside some genius easter eggs too. As you would expect, Illumination’s studios in Paris did an almighty job animating the film, and Brian Tyler absolutely kills it on the score, taking Koji Kondo’s music from the games (as well as a few themes from the *uncredited* Grant Kirkhope - to say what those themes are would spoil a key moment) and translating them to a cinema environment pretty damn well.

The voice cast are able to do a great job too, and while the initial reveal of Chris Pratt as Mario didn’t go down well initially, for the story this film tells, it is a relief that he didn’t do the Italian accent for the full movie (setting up a lovely little Charles Martinet cameo in the process), and with the rest of this cast - which includes Charlie Day, Anya Taylor-Joy, Keegan-Michael Key, Fred Armisen, Seth Rogen and the one piece of casting which felt so right: Jack Black as Bowser. If anything, what Illumination have done is take nearly 40 years of games and Nintendo lore, distil them into a simple but fun plot, and make it work for a family market. There will inevitably be a sequel - but whether it’ll become a lost level or a new world when cinema audiences are involved... only time will tell. 

THE VERDICT

For fans of the games this is arguably the strongest depiction of the Mario IP away from the Nintendo consoles - in less than 10 days it has overtaken Sonic 2 to become the highest grossing video game film ever. Audiences are lapping this film up, even though a lot of the critics bestowed a 57% Rotten Tomatoes score- it is a fun film with plenty in it for audiences young and old.

RATING: 4/5

[fitzmagus]

I got you. 1) All "True Vampires" (referred to only as "vampires in the game but I'm capitalizing the phrase for clarity) start as vampire spawn. if a True Vampire bites a mortal, that mortal becomes a vampire spawn. a true vampire may then choose to elevate their spawn to the status of true vampire by allowing their spawn to bite them in return. Having noble status in life or undeath is not relevant to this process. 2) There's a book tucked away in Cazador's bossfight room called "Vampires before Vellioth" that suggests that there has really only been one True Vampire at a time for the last thousand-ish years. There's a spooky skull in the lower ruins below the manor that sheds some light on why this is: mainly, because True Vampires have an innate tendency toward Lawful Evil (similar to the way devils do). When a spawn is elevated to the status of a True Vampire, they are no longer compelled to obey the True Vampire that sired them. And what self-respecting Horrible Evil Monster would voluntarily create competition/equality where they could simply continue to enjoy domination and superiority? In fact, there seems to have been a tradition of True Vampires immediately battling their elevated progeny to the death in some sort of "retirement from immortality via ritual combat" thing going on. I don't know if other parts of Faerun are different, but in this instance at least, vampirism was more of a Sith-style "one master one apprentice" thing than a family/clan legacy thing. Cazador was turned by Vellioth the Martinet, and afaik there's no evidence of them having ever been related prior to Vellioth biting Cazador. 3) I haven't seen any clarification on Cazador's original race, but high half-elf is a decent guess based on his face. 4) The rest of Cazador's original biological family is probably either long dead or made into spawn. He calls his spawn his "family" now, but he does it for the Emotional Abuse Bonus Points, rather than out of any true familial feeling. 5) as for the canon related to Asterion and Cazador, apparantly the two had never met before Cazador """"saved"""" Asterion from dying of mugging-induced-wounds by turning him.

I need to know more about Cazador Szarr.

Like, if he's from a noble family why was he a spawn?

Was he a spawn before his family became noble?

Is everyone in the Szarr family a vampire or are they all turned like his niece?

If Cazador is the head of the family and resides in Baldur’s Gate, where is the rest of his family hanging out at and hunting?

He’s a high-elf, right?

I have a big theory/headcanon about Astarion and Cazador pre-Astarion-spawn. That's probably something I’ll keep to myself.

Anyways.

[thejasondogman]

Opinions on The Super Mario Bros. Movie teaser

     Ok so, I never spoke publibly anything regarding this movie is gonna be a thing, nor keep super tuned with every news regarding it, but I had my doubts ever since a heard Nintendo confirmed they are collabing with Illumination do an animated Mario movie. I’m a big fan animation since I was a kid. So even tho I only fully watched 6 of the 12 movies Illumination currently as I’m speaking has realised, I have over the years formed my opinions about the studio itself and have heard others opinions about their movies. And mine is not different from everyone else. I don’t find none of their movies bad but they do feel very..... hit or miss. They always do a very good job on the visuals and animation but the writing and jokes always fell unappealing. So outside from Despicable Me 1, which is the only movie from them I like a lot, I find most of their movies very uninteresting.

     As for the Super Mario series, it’s tied with Donkey Kong as my favorite video game franchise of all time. It was (and still is) a big part of my life as a gamer. So at the time I found out Nintendo was producing another attemp of a Mario movie after years in collab with Illumination I got a little worried. But of course, I and everyone else would only be sure to get to our conclusions once a trailer was launched. And yesterday was finally the day.

     So now time to give a few of my opinions: 

Character Designs and Visuals

     Honestly, I feel the same with every character. They feel weird due to some design choices and a few details on proportions in comperison to their original designs.

     But despite that, they're WAAAY far from being bad designs or being on the same level of "ugly Sonic". In fact, I actually liked the designs and I'm starting to get used to them. I like a lot how they are so expressive and faithful to the original designs. Especially Bowser. He’s still my favorite design.

(Also, Bowser's design reminded me a lot of his design in SSB4 and SSBU)

The Writing

     Can’t say too much because not much of the writing has been show but some of the dialogue and jokes gave me the same vibes from the other Illumination movies’ writing. Just hit or miss. But really, there’s only been 4 jokes on the teaser so, I’m not gonna judge it fast.

The Voice Acting

      Now for the aspect everyone was more worried about (myself included). The voice acting. I liked Bowser’s voice. Didn’t love it, nor I think if Nintendo attempted to make him speak fully sentences again in the games I would choose this voice, but at least fits the character. I’m kinda mixed with Toad’s voice. It’s not bad but I don’t think it really fits the character. And now the most controversial one, Mario.... I don’t like it at all. Like, I was already aware that he wouldn’t have his italian accent but like, no offense to Chris Patt, it doesn’t feel like he even tried to replicate that jolly tone Mario is known for. And it just makes me find even more stupid and sad that they didn’t put Charles Martinet in the role despite still being in the cast. Anyway, as for the rest of the characters I just felt it was mostly ok honestly. Kamek’s voice fits with him, very surprised the penguins appeared in the trailer and how they sound and even tho Luigi didn’t speak full sentences in that last scene he sounded a little like the original voice. So yeah, overall I found the voice acting very avarege. Definitly my least favorite aspect of the trailer.

     I really want to say this too. I also watched the trailer dubbed in my home language (brazlilan portuguese) and I gotta say, the voice acting there was so better for me. They don’t sound 100% excatly like the voices from the games, but it fit the characters more than the US voices. They also feel more alive, expressive and the way they talk in certain scenes match more with how they are reacting in the animation. The guy who voiced Mario even did the italian accent.

I really hope they don't change the voices when the movie releases and I'm happy to know some people from other countries also liked the brazilian dub voice.

Conclusion

     I think they should have showed more stuff in the trailer and I still have my worries regarding the orginal voice acting and the overall writing, But despite these, I actually think the movie looks promising. I’m very excited to see more of it. How the other characters will look like, which other characters will appear, the fanserve, who will voice who else in the brazilian dub, etc. As I’m writing this, it’s been one day since the trailer dropped and it still feels SO surreal this movie is actually a thing. I haven’t decide yet if I’ll watch it at the theaters or via streaming (pirated or not) but I really hope I'm gonna enjoy this movie when it releases.

[sockablock]

When Essek's old alter ego is suddenly asked by Da'leth to work at Soltryce Academy, nine semi-retired adventurers are thrust back into a web of danger, intrigue, and wizardly shenanigans. (Surprise, surprise! I’m back with another Shadowgast WIP)

Chapter 1: The Worst-Case Scenario

Caleb watched Essek hover back and forth like a miniature, panicked storm cloud.

“This is ridiculous! It must be some kind of joke. We haven't had any contact for years, and now he expects me to believe him? What is he playing at?”

“Breathe, Essek, breathe. You will not solve this mystery by wearing a hole in—above—the carpet.”

“What?” Essek looked down, then stopped floating. “Oh. My apologies. I’m a bit…well, you know.”

“I would be too.” There was urging in Caleb’s voice. “Take a seat, Schatz. Let me see the letter.”

Essek obliged, handing over a crumpled scroll right before collapsing heavily into his chair. The fire of a cold late-autumn evening cast their den in gold and orange light.

“Does he explain himself?” Caleb turned the scroll the right way around. “Does he say why?”

“Has Da’leth ever done that?” Essek snorted. “All he wrote was that I—rather, that Thain, had been selected. And I only have two days to respond.”

Caleb waved his hand, and a glowing orb appeared. He brought it closer to the parchment. “May I?”

“Please.”

“To the esteemed Lord Dezran Thain of Nicodranas—good grief. He really isn’t subtle.”

“Tell me about it,” Essek said.

“Perhaps,” Caleb continued, “you are aware of the ongoing investigations into the Cerberus Assembly. If so, then perhaps you have also heard that Archmage Tversky and Archmage Margolin will be leaving our ranks by the end of the week—ah yes, Beau was quite proud of that.”

“She should be,” Essek said miserably. “It’s about time. Read the next part.”

“And so it falls on the surviving members of our organization to fill these vacant roles. We believe, for the safety and stability of our country, that the next Archmages of Conscription and Dysology should come from within the Empire; however, it has been brought to our attention that adding a Nicodranian mage to our ranks could be quite valuable. Such an alliance would strengthen our ties to the Menagerie Coast, as well as assuage any concerns that the Empire is isolationist or inflexible. Therefore, as we have been friends for some time—really?”

Essek made a face. “I would not have called him my ‘friend’ in any form, but we have known each other for a few decades. Unfortunately.”

“Unfortunately,” Caleb commiserated. He smoothed out the letter and found his place again. “—I wished to have the pleasure of informing you that on behalf of the Cerberus Assembly, you, Lord Dezran Thain of Nicodranas, have been extended the honor of replacing Archmage Margolin in his secondary capacity—as the distinguished and peerless Headmaster of the Soltryce Academy. Oh. My gods.”

Essek groaned. He had his head buried in his hands.

“You Identified this already?” Caleb managed eventually.

Essek nodded. “I wish I hadn’t.”

Caleb continued to stare at the letters. The fluid, curving script seemed to blur all together. “That’s…gods,” he said again.

“Agreed.”

“I…can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.”

Essek snorted. “Actually, if anyone could, it would be you.” Then something occurred to him. Suddenly, the hearth shone an odd color in his eyes. “This was delivered to our home. To this house, in Rexxentrum. Yours. That���bastard.”

Caleb was quick to understand. He took a deep breath, then reached over for Essek’s hand.

“Maybe it was just enchanted to find you wherever you are. Like a Sending spell.”

“I’d hate to think otherwise. That would mean—”

Caleb interrupted him out of mercy. “Every inch of our tower is warded from divination. Besides, you’ve adopted an endless array of personas. I don’t even think we’ve been seen together with you as Thain, not since the party years ago.”

“Still.” Essek rubbed his eyes. “The timing makes me think he knows something. That, and the fact that it’s for Thain, I mean—what has Thain accomplished? I don’t even remember telling anyone I was a mage!”

“That, ah…that might have been Jester’s fault. She really enjoyed adding to your personas. You needed a past, after all, otherwise you would have just appeared from nowhere.”

“So she told everyone that Thain was a famous wizard?”

“The best lies are often true,” Caleb shrugged. “Though I admit that she might have gone a little overboard. You know how much she likes to praise her friends.”

It was a testament to Essek’s troubled mood that he barely acknowledged this. Caleb squeezed his fingers. “They said…they did say you could reject them. And their political reasoning is not unsound. Maybe that is all there is to it—the Assembly needs someone to be the Headmaster, and they thought of you.”

Even after so many years of trying, Caleb’s reassuring voice still left some things desired. Essek shut his eyes.

“My love, the very idea that the Cerberus Assembly is even thinking of me is a nightmare.”

 “Fair enough.”

“I just want to know why,” Essek muttered. “Why now? Why me? What is he after?”

“I don’t know,” Caleb said. “I wish I did.”

Essek suddenly turned toward him. “I—I hate to ask this, but can you find out? You know…ask our old friend the newest Archmage.”

“Ah.” Caleb’s face gave a complicated shuffle, one common these days when Astrid was mentioned.

“If you don’t want to—” Essek hurried.

“No, no, I can…try.” He scratched his chin. “She’s just been less open, lately. She’s not…pleased by how thorough the Soul is being. Beauregard is relentless.”

“It has been seven years. That’s a lot for your kind, but probably just enough for Da’leth to finally realize they mean business—” Essek blinked. “Do you think that’s why he picked me?”

“We don’t know that he’s behind this,” Caleb said lamely. At Essek’s expression, he relented. “Alright, alright. I’ll stop suggesting otherwise.”

“It’s not unappreciated, I just prefer to be direct. It is clear that Da’leth is trying to use me again. This time, in order to hurt you and the Cobalt Soul. There is no point in believing otherwise.”

Caleb brushed Essek’s face. “No, that would require him to think he could use you in the first place. But that is impossible, because Thain does not know Widogast.”

“He does, though.”

“Yes, but is Da’leth aware of that? He cannot be.”

“I thought we put an end to that.”

“Only to statements of idle hope, not facts.” Caleb was now holding both his hands. “The truth of the matter is that…yes, perhaps the Martinet does want you for some devious plan—”

“Oh, lovely—”

“—however, any plan he has cannot be based on our connection. We have been doing this…being us, for seven years now, Essek. If he were going to play against that hand, he would have done so already. This must be something else.”

Essek huffed. “What, though? What reason does he have? I haven’t been important to the Kryn for years. I resigned, I’m virtually a stranger there, and I certainly don’t have any more secrets for sale.” He paused. “Well, ones that Ludinus would desire. I’m useless to him.”

“I highly doubt that,” Caleb said. And his voice, while kind, had a faint edge to it. “You are right in that there probably is some motivation here. It might be related to the investigation in other ways—after all, two members of the Assembly are leaving. That makes four upheavals in under a decade. And if the Soul and the crown are both pushing for the appointment of more partial Archmages, then it might very well be the case that Da’leth just wants someone he can control. In your case, through blackmail.”

“Hooray for me.”

“He probably wouldn’t, though,” Caleb said. “Since, as you said, this is a situation of mutually assured destruction.”

Essek grimaced. “I have been somewhat wishful in that department. Even with your support, it is still my word against the Martinet.”

“Our word. That includes the Cobalt Soul.”

Essek shook his head. “You’ve seen how well he’s stood up to them so far. Can you honestly say that my safety is a sure thing? Don’t lie to me, Caleb.”

There was a pause.

“Essek, I will do everything in my power to protect you.”

"I know." He patted Caleb on the hand.

Outside their tower, far away, the evening bells of the Rexxentrum began to ring. One, and then two, and then almost a dozen, loud and bronze across the dimming sky.

“There is one way to find out for sure what Da’leth is planning.”

Essek sighed. “I know. But I don’t like it.”

Caleb leaned back in his seat. “Neither do I.”

The cry of the great bells waned. In their den, all around the wall, points of magelight flared to life—flickering and purple harbingers of night.

“Will you do it?” Caleb said.

“I don’t know if I have a choice.”

“You do,” Caleb said. “The worst-case scenario is that Da’leth tries to talk, and we…deal with that.”

“We’ve been trying to deal with him for years,” Essek said. “And…maybe this is bold of me to say, but the worst-case scenario isn’t that—it’s not knowing. Maybe I can…maybe I can find the answers here. If Da’leth thinks he is controlling me, if he trusts me to do his bidding, maybe I can finally learn something to break his hold.”

“As long as he never truly controls you,” Caleb said. “That is a risk I cannot accept.”

This time, Essek was the one to offer assurance. He gently pressed a kiss to Caleb’s hand.

“You forget,” he said wryly. “I am a powerful wizard. Haven’t you heard my title?”

“Shadowhand?” Caleb said. He did not look fully mollified, but he managed a chuckle. “I thought you were retired.”

Essek smiled. “I was, my love, but now it seems that I have a new role. Starting soon...you will be sharing your home with the next Headmaster of the Soltryce Academy.”

—

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[dovahkiin-official]

they can't fire crisp rat and replace him with charles martinet because they 1. have already paid him 30 million dollars. 2. they would have to justify paying charles martinet less. or pay him 30 million dollars. which 3. will allow voice actors to have precedent to demand better pay.

it's all a part of the same machine, to keep a heirarchy of voice actors below "real" actors. and thus keep them from unionizing and demanding better pay.