one sentence(ish) summaries of every magnus archive episode PART 2
(eps 61-110) thank u for the funny comments and tags on the last part i love u guys
the rest of these may take a while as i've caught up to where i am currently in the podcast but i will finish them like in a month i promise
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61. the thrilling sequel to man does not open coffin: man DOES open coffin.
62. surely this doctor can find an easier way to scam people out of money than putting them in a little book.
63. THE DARK ATE MY BROTHER IN LAW.
64. this is possibly the plot of laura croft tomb raider
65. mmm crumchy
66. what's the opposite of an unboxing video
67. as close to a coffeeshop au as you're going to get from this podcast
68. Doctors hate him! Man REFUSES to die from tuberculosis!
69. your college's psych department has the worst idea ever.
70. reverse death note
71. not even death will stop this woman from taking the british subway
72. man doesn't want to be low key racist in his last moments before getting eaten
73. police versus the second coming of dark jesus
74. lady is haunted by an ad for coffee
75. mike crew says "uh fuck it let's just put this guy on a skyscraper forever"
76. ryan from buzzfeed unsolved breaks into a train yard and suffers consequences
77. you're not a enough of a bitch to be my real mom
78. man gets harassed by his cousin and then exorcises him
79. you know that chase scene in scooby doo with the doors
80. stupid idiot motherfucking jurgen leitner
81. i have been personally victimized by the sequel to the hungry hungry caterpillar
82. pov: elias threatens to cancel you
83. mannequin takes matters into its own hands after people don't like its pitch for a new window display
84. a hoarder put newspaper on my friend's face :(
85. hey there's maybe a little man upon these stairs?
86. man gets got by a squiggly thing in the dark.
87. plumber is so oblivious to spooky happenings around him that it possibly saves his life.
88. guys i think this guy likes to dig
89. lesbian investment banker finds a new, less evil job: arson!
90. guy who turns people's bones starts a gym where he promises not to turn your bones! (he is lying)
91. i was stalked by lightning for 10 years and i all i got were these stupid scars
92. jonah magnus is a bad friend // another day another elias slay
93. ocd is no match for purple fuzz
94. let the bodies drop gently to the floor let the bodies drop gently to the floor
95. im so sorry my brain refuses to remember what the war ones were about but i think one guy got gently kissed on the forehead so that's pretty nice.
96. diversity wins! the not-quite-human delivery men who stole your identity and business are maybe gay?
97. man gets gaslighted by an entire town about a hole
98. 🎶mister sandman bring me a dream, actually don't, please stay far from me 🎶
99. another one bites the dust
100. archival assistants face off against the general public (they lose)
101. jon finally levels up high enough to unlock an eldritch horror's tragic backstory
102. LOCAL MAN MARRIES BUG
103. peppa eats a clown and they cover her in concrete instead of congratulating her.
104. pennywise stole my brother's skin
105. it's world war z baby
106. Something Big Is In Space.
107. man is interrogated about the time he saw thomas the train roasts people alive and also sans is there
108. actor is stalked by mask who liked his monologue so much that it tells its mask friends to come watch.
109. sometimes a family is just a serial killer's daughter and that guy who maybe killed some vampires
110. yeah man those spiders be eating
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Apologies, and here we are yet again imma try and finish ep4 so I can upload before Friday but umm let’s get to it!
Imma work on getting an AO3 acc but for now it’s getting uploaded here- also mainly I was working on a drawing that I’ll upload one I finish the outher one that goes with it! >:3
Disclaimer: cussing, gore/blood, Russian ppl, violence, self umm sewerc*de thoughts
Ep3: Oh Дерьмо.
“Hurry. You’re running out of time. They will all die because of you.” A firm Russian mans voice encoded in Elizabeth’s head, she was working on decoding the suit so she could organize it in such a way where it wouldn’t instantly fry the brunet lying on the floor..unconscious.. but instead so he could retrieve more animals- for her to experiment on. Oh right, she would be the reason countless animal bodies to be placed in the ground.
The sooner she figured it out the less bodies she would have bury.
“Aha!” She exclaimed loudly, having done something useful then for that feeling to be shut down when the radio that had been lying on the counter beside her lit up.
"I’m setting up another shipment of кролики *rabbits*-" The same man from earlier was interrupted by the blond.
“Don’t. I-..I’ve fixed this americano’s furry suit, h-he can not collect them for me..” Her voice full of worry not sure of how he will respond.
“Mm. I’m assuming нет *no* progress.. given your still needing кролики..you know as well as I..why we do what we do.” The radio turned off, Elizabeth’s elbows bent in such a way on the counter so her hands ran through her hair. I know . Her eyes and everything around her became blurry as small drops of water turned into tears.
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Chris had woken up now chained up on a wall that wasn’t to far from the woman, Chris noticed his cps was missing, then realized it was next to the blond woman …uh oh.. the activation button was hooked up with wires that were running everywhere- Elizabeth was visibly crying and looked stressed.
“Hey-..umm you ok?..” The younger Kratt had tried to ease the situation but ended making it worse, like always.
“No-…I-..here.” She started talking though the tears before standing up unplugging the wires and walked over handing him the suit, it was grayish now and looked like the first prototype Aviva cooked up.
“Don’t just sit there- try it on, it’s not going to bite.” Her voice shaky trying to hide the fact she had been crying with humor, though it was obvious.
Chris hesitated for a moment before reaching out and taking the suit, examined it then cautiously put it on and waited for some surge of energy to electrocute him instantly- but instead it did nothing good sign so far.
“Vell what are you waiting for?-“ Elizabeth was in a hurry, she was rushed her whole life and now she had to wait.
The brunet was hesitant as he slowly pressed the button..nothing..then bam a white flash almost blinded the blond woman standing next to him- a surge of energy rushed though his body well this is how I die, how Pathetic he though to himself.
Nevertheless he had awaken, now lying on the floor his eyes adjusted to the dim room thinking it was all a bad dream. He called out “Martin?..”
“Oh- good your awake..how do you feel кот?” Elizabeth excitedly asked the small white cat, Chris now realizing it wasn’t a dream thought to himself oh shit- I lived..I’m fucked aren’t I..wait I’m a oncilla?
“Кот?” She waved her hand in front of him trying to make sure she didn’t just electrocute a man.
“What?-“ The brunet answered still his mind was fuzzy, Elizabeth glanced over and smiled then with a press of a button the suit flashed again deactivating Chris.
“It works!-.. you may get some rest now.” The blond woman’s words firm but excited echoed throughout the younger Kratts head had he felt his legs give out beneath him.
Lately he found himself passed out on the floor, after the first night though he couldn’t be sure because there wasn’t a window anywhere in sight so he couldn’t really know how long he’d been in this hellish place- time faded as minuets became hours and hours turned into days.
The numb sensation he felt when passed out or just plain drugged was calming in such a way, so that the biologist could forget about everything around him, he had no reason to fear Elizabeth though previously he tried to Ecape which landed him behind her workspace- to his knowledge she hadn’t killed any animals yet.
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Martin on the other had silently cried himself to sleep every night since the incident after all he knew deep down it was his fault no matter what anyone says, on top of everything he still went out into the amazon despite Aviva orders desperately looking for the mysterious black jet.
Koki and Aviva had barley gotten any sleep in the past week, not only taking care of the older Kratt but desperately searching the internet for any clue to who this mysterious woman was, or any previous records of experimenting on animals that could be remotely related to her.
“I’m sorry..it’s m-m fault- I’m so sorry..” The older Kratt continued after he got back to the Tortuga, he had lately been doing this type of thing- over apologizing that is.
“Martin- it’s not your fault, it could have happened to anyone..” Koki chimed in trying to calm him down though it often proved to be more difficult.
“We will find him- together, it’s not your burden to bare alone..” Aviva now had her hands on his shoulders as she pulled him into a hug.
“Umm- I’m going to make pizza, any special requests” Jimmy attempted to redirect the conversation trying to ease some tension.
“No-..well just no fish” Martin replied in a choked voice, he had calmed down and stopped crying.
Sleepless nights became routine in the flying turtle by now, really anything could’ve happened by now. Unlike most villains who were easily able to be tracked it was strange how this random Russian girl managed to cover her tracks so well, unless she wasn’t alone.
Sooner or later the crew knew they had to take flight and began to search the skies- Given it was a jet and it could fly or at least it should be able to.
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Elizabeth had been weighting down formulas and surrounded herself with papers, deciding to take a break from the mess and come back with a new conscience later she wiped up some flash cards with letters of the Russian alphabet, for the americano of corse- she didn’t trust him yet to just run off but she felt bad for the poor thing.
“Americano,..you awake?” The blond woman now squatting In front of Chris with her hands behind her back holding the small pieces of paper with letter written on them asked.
“What do you want.” His annoyed voice clearly in agony, he just wanted to go home back to the Tortuga.
“I have a gift for you..” Elizabeth extend her hand which was holding the cards towards the younger Kratt signaling him to take it.
“What’s this-“ After a moment of hesitation he accepted it now flipping though the pile.
“Flash cards..to..um h-help you learn Russian, of corse if you want..” Her usually cocky and firm voice was now soft and shaky almost.
“Oh, um..thanks-“ Not sure of how to respond but having nothing else to do here decided to study the cards, he thought mabe this could be helpful given everyone around him spoke this foreign language.
Seeing the poor thing struggling to do remotely anything with the chains and mostly because she knew whatever happened, if he tried to kill her that she would be held responsible so with a snap of fingers and a point she yelled “боты, untie the americano.”
Chis shared a confused look with the blond woman who as a pair of bots were taking his chains off he began to stand, now realizing he was at least a cuple of inches taller than her he smiled,
“you know- I could kill you at any given moment”
“Oh please, if anything you would be doing me a favor-..” she caught her breath then decided to finish her joke, “I deserve every inch of pain inflicted on me, It’s my fault. I’ve let everyone down.” Realizing what she just said fearing she scared the American she avoided eye contact by continuing to bury herself in work.
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Martin hated more than anything keeping track of time, time since he left his younger brother to rot with the Russian- time since he last ate..slept..showered..anything really..
“None of the villains have done anything to endanger animals lately, it’s been over two weeks since we last had word on people dealing a large number of rabbits, or an population decline-” Koki gave a general report to Aviva who wore a worried face, now noticing Martin staring at the Tv the engineer tried to hide the fact it wasn’t looking great.
“If she still is experimenting with the rabbits now, it will be at least anouther week or so before she needs to refill..on the other hand she could use Chris to gather them..” Martin pondered trying his best to contribute, his brouther would know what to do if there positions were swapped.
“Why would he do that-..unless he was forced..”Aviva pondered for a moment before her face matched the white floor, “d-do you think it’s possible..that..s-she could hack the..cps..” She couldn’t think strait, to imagine the possibility was dreadful.
“It’s possible-“ koki was interrupted when Jimmy rushed into the main room claiming one of the wk kids spotted a creepy black jet flying towards France, Aviva pulled up the report giving Jimmy a nod the Tortuga pulled up and began the hunt.
“Hey- it’s going to be ok, we will find Chris” Aviva had been saying stuff like this the past two weeks when she knew Martin was worried usually she had her hands on his shoulders, she was hugging him, or just plain holding his hands.
“Hey..Aviva- umm we have a problem”The engineer nervously asked.
“Yeah- what is it?!” The brunet scientist frantically answered her voice growing with concern.
“One of the wk kids just reported seeing Gourmand rounding up parrots off the cost of Portugal-”koki hated being the one to deliver bad news, though that kinda was her job.
Aviva looked over at Martin waiting on his opinion, this was the first clue to getting Chris back in weeks, but they wouldn’t make it back in time before he cooked up some parrot soup..they had to make a choice..and quickly..
“Let’s get this over quickly-” Martin sighed knowing this might be his olny chance to find him, but decided to hide his tears so nobody including Gourmand could see his pain.
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Upon arriving to the scene of what seemed to be a failed science experiment Gourmand attempting to clean up the mess of pasta sauce while a flock of parrots swung at him, “Get off me!- Just go back to your little nests!”
Martin now noticing the eggs sitting in a basket behind him he joked, “need some help?”
“Wild Kratt’s!- er wild Kratt where’s the green one?” Gourmand now focusing on Martin noticed somthing was off he corrected himself while still being attacked.
“I think if you just returned the eggs they would go away-“ The older Kratt joked sarcastically avoiding the question.
“I’m starting to think rabbit stew would be better- but Elizabeth has been stelaing them lately..” gourmand replied trying to fight off the birds.
“..how do you know Elizabeth-..” Martins tone turned serious he was holding the chef by the collar on his shirt. The aquatic brouther’s mind was panicking yet he was so, angry.
“Woah- calm down I’ll tell you..Just help me get rid of these damn birds!” Gourmand managed to get out while still being attacked.
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Martin climbed up each tree while keeping a close eye to make sure the cook didn’t Escape, he kept thinking Chris is the climbing brother.. oh right he’s somewhere with that Mouther-fucking Russian..
“All done, now how do you know Elizabeth.” Hopefully this was a clue to finding his brother but he couldn’t be sure.
While continuing to clean up the spilled sauce he replied with his face focused on the counter, “About 2-3 moths ago somewhere in the Amazon, she was looking for “rabbits” and lost her jet, she had to have been lost for hours because she was hungry..” He struggled to continue.
“And?!-“ Martins panicked voice desperate to get some clues.
“Well I fed her some food I cooked, she was scared I thought it was from just being out there.. but no, she told me she was a scientist..and someone was looking for her s-she had to experiment on animals because if she didn’t many people would die-..that’s when I noticed her bloody stained hands..” The cook’s voice sounded panicked and scared he stoped cleaning and focused on the counter.
“That’s all?-“ Still trying to process the information, by this point Martin knew she wasn’t some low level, though now Elizabeth seemed to be some mad scientist much worse than his usual villains.
“..yea so..” Gourmand tried to cover up he was shook so he didn’t look so weak in front of the man he hated.
“Thanks-“ He had started walking out of the door then jumped on one of Aviva’s bug bikes and rushed back to relay this information.
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“So, France..it’s a big country-“ Koki had been talking when Martin ran though the doors his mind racing he quickly tried to inform the team.
“Gourmand said he met Elizabeth before!- She was lost and he fed her..then she told him the only reason she’s killing and experimenting on animals is because many people would die-..” The older Kratt talked fast trying to remember every detail it was obvious he was panicking.
It wasn’t supposed to happen like this he’s the older brother, it should be him who’s getting hurt not his younger brother Chris.
“What?!- Calm down, did he say whare he was when he met Elizabeth?” Aviva bounced off her chair and now had her hands on his shoulders, it pained her to see him so miserable.
“Two months ago, The Amazon Rainforest.” He calmed himself enough to answer her questions.
“So not recent..” She let go of his shoulders and started pacing, hand on her chin pondering.
“Wait- didn’t you mention she knew Donita?!” Jimmy practically blurted out, he had been listening in on the conversation.
“Yea-.. wait! Where is Donita right now.” Koki now pulling up a map of the villains last known locations replied, to there knowledge her bright pink jet was last seen near Bordeaux- a city in France
“Let’s go- maybe she has some clues to where Elizabeth is or is heading.” Aviva chimed in giving Jimmy the signal to lift off.
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Let’s just hope I don’t fuck up again, Elizabeth thought as she prepared a syringe hopefully this time she had her formulas right. The scientist went over the steps withdrawal the virus from its container, inject into the animal then withdrawal the “cure” and see if it works.
She began to inject various syringes into the small brownish animal when Chris looked up from his flash cards and focused on what she was doing, she wasn’t really going to do anything right?
Last step, inject the “cure”. It was obvious she was panicking, her hand shakily pressed the needle into the rabbit and waited
Nothing, now pressing against the animals neck No pulse
“дерьмо *shit*” the words escaped her lips, every scenario ran though her head getting caught in a panicked state she glanced at the now dead rabbit.
Chris creeped closer to the woman whose head was in her arms on the counter, he glanced at the animal what the actual fuck just happened.
Noticing footsteps she lifted her head picked up the limp rabbit and carried it to the closest door, grabbed a nearby shovel and left.
Talking his chance the younger Kratt observed the notes and formulas before noticing a small mistake, should I tell her? What if I do..?
A moment of silence before the blond woman walked slowly back in. “You americano- do you have a name?.” Pointing at Chris her eyes already forming tears, Elizabeth’s shaky voice asked.
“Chris..” concern was imminent in his voice, nothing could hide it.
Wiping her tears that fell onto her cheeks she then activated the man’s suit.
“Khris..can you please get me anouther rabbit, alive.” It wasn’t a question more like a demand. Not wanting upset the already broken woman if she kills animals, who knows what she will do to humans he headed for the door before she added “don’t do anything rash- I would hate for you to get hurt.”
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He lingered though the forest, it was different he wasn’t in the Amazon..why should I hunt animals… His thoughts were muted as the suit got into position upon seeing a rabbit stalk was his olny instinct. Kicked into a void unable to escape he could only wach as he hunted a small animal, the biologist wached as he slashed though its skin after he pounced. “what the fuck!..” His terrified voice spoke before blacking out.
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“That wasn’t supposed to happen-“ Elizabeth’s calm voice almost drowned out by the ringing in his ears, instead of collecting the animal he killed it.
Now looking down at his blood stained hands and open further inspection he noticed some brownish fur underneath his fingernails, his vision; still blurry cleared, he realized was covered in blood..his mouth especially stayed a blood red, though it wasn’t his own.
“Chris?..americano hello?..I’m going to try and help you ok-“ He was alive but the same couldn’t be said for what she assumed was a rabbit, one notion later two bots picked him up and carried him towards a enclosed room. There they held him over a sink while the blond woman helped wash his mouth and hands given he was unresponsive..
“What happened.” Now looking down at the woman cleaning his hands, the biologist looked at a unkept version of himself Martin wouldn’t approve- oh right he’s not here.
“I’m not sure, you came though the side door barley awake covered in blood and rabbit fur. Not to mention when I deactivated you- let’s just say it wasn’t for the faint of heart” She pointed to the scar on his arm then she snapped her fingers and the bots dropped him, lucky though he caught himself on the sink counter.
“Woah!-“ She stoped cleaning his hands and instead sat on the toilet lid next to the sink in the dimly lit room looking up at him as if he was some deranged monkey, then stood up now realizing he had a cupple of inches on her the scientist left the room.
Alone, still wearing this damn bloody suit. The younger Kratt washed his face hoping it was some dream that he hadn’t killed an animal his head ached now suddenly gaining a memory though the cracked mirror. His mind felt like it was playing tricks, he stared blankly at his reflection before blacking out.
Slashing though the animals tender skin it tried to fight but it was no use, tearing it limb for limb blood and guts spewed across the forest floor leaving nothing but pieces of what used to be a rabbit. When the suit was satisfied he left.
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“Chris- wake up! It’s ok you’re not a кот-…why is it allwase my fault…” The blond woman had practically shook the man awake, he had passed out in the bathroom shortly after she left
“Martin?…Koki?..Aviva-…” For a moment he forgot about the pain, where he was who he was with.
“They are not here, unfortunately I cannot just hand you back. Someday not to far from now I promise..I will fix this, fix everything I’ve done.”
The conversation had shifted to a calmer tone, she knew Иван would never forgive her if she just let Chris go, though she didn’t care if he forgave her. He would end up killing somebody close to the man which was far worse.
Her death would mean nothing, Иван would replace her within days and the americano most likely would be used for far worse than collecting animals.
“I-I remember..everything..” Chris managed though his tears. He remembered his brothers screaming before he disappeared, drowning in the days. slashing though the tender skin as blood dripped from his vest.
“I’m going to fix this.” She wrapped her arms around him then shut her eyes to keep the tears from falling, Chris on the other hand sat in the dim bathroom eyes open staring at the sealing while his tears rolled down his cheeks and onto his vest.
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