#many things in my life would be better with stable irl connections but at this point it's hard to believe it's possible

[outeremissary]

Very dumb how you can't out-logic mental illness because it always seems to have something factually true to throw at you when you go "this breakdown is all stupid and made up."

[jils-things]

irene + her family lore(?)

disclaimer: i am not good at history and i've tried to read up as much as i can towards the victorian era/queen victoria's reign and even read a research paper before i typed this out... i want to the story to be accurate to the irl situation back then but i want to put my own spin to align it to my ship so there's a little freedom to how i write this - and with freedom comes guaranteed inconsistencies with the irl facts of the old times. trust me i've thought this over and over and was honestly too scared to write it because i was nervous knowing there will be something incorrect but ahh fuck it it's my story frfr aha

irene constantine

i've said this so many times but for summarization's sake, i'll say everything again:

irene was born in a much lower-class family, not much is established on her old family but at one point, she was on her own in an orphanage as her parents sent her off in hopes to give her a better lifestyle, much better than what her real family had. irene still kept her name but her surname is understandably changed due to adoption. irene has lived in the orphanage for quite sometime, perhaps in her toddler years at best. she was very sweet and outspoken. she was raised well by her "siblings" and was taught to be very well-mannered even if she can be playful. the most important thing that irene remembered in her childhood was the value of being connected with everyone regardless of their status. of course, it's expected that many of the children there did not live the most fortunate lives, but they never discriminated anyone who could be much "fortunate" than the other because in the end, the bond they all share together is far more important and if they work together, they can achieve things even if it seemed impossible.

irene kept this philosophy to herself for the rest of her life, and especially when she would later be adopted by lady constantine, her new adoptive mother.

the constantines and her childhood

a lot of these paragraphs are still uncertain to me due to my lack of good understanding in economics and history so these could easily change if i find something more preferable

for now, i imagine the constantines to be a set of stable aristocrats who live, the family line has many relatives and is able to keep the family line sustainable - but one relative family stuck out like a sore thumb - which was the fact that lady constantine is unable to bear a child even if she wanted to. she simply wanted a child to love and care for - so she was willing to go far to adopt a child just to fulfill that desire. lord constantine didn't mind the adoption, but had hoped his wife would bring over a son, but had brought in a daughter instead. had she chosen a son, the son could continue to live the family line well even if the constantines were fine already. but since they brought in a daughter, they figured that marrying her off to a wealthy man was the better idea once she's gotten older.

the daughter they adopted just so happen to be little irene from the orphanage. she was just about 7 years old, give or take.

irene was happy to finally be in a family, but she wasn't aware of how high standard the upper-class could be. just a few years after being daughter, she would soon enough be forced into being taught how to be "prim and proper" which unfortunately contrasts her bubbly and earnest personality. this puts her in a spot of discomfort where she felt less like herself as the years go by. being told how to act this and that, and not to do this and that. it was all too overwhelming for her. she was happy to have a sense of belonging finally, but if its at the cost of removing what makes irene, herself - was it really worth it?

lord constantine was never too concerned about her feelings, perhaps he still carried the grudge knowing he could've had a son if he wanted to and he pushed his anger on her to be the perfect daughter. lady constantine however was a little different, the mother was easily the most caring if not irene's personal maid. she was simply, being a "mother". it was something she wanted to be after all after not being able to successfully bear one of her own. she wanted to give her all when irene came into her life and she knew every constant struggle irene went through. she understood her true colors and validated her struggles but because of the way they live, the mother tells her to trust the process and follow what her husband forces upon her. lady constantine would usually reward her daughter's efforts by letting her be out of the house when she asked for it. the mother and daughter would even do things together, like teaching arts and craft; embroidery, stitching, learning music. going outside was something that irene felt more close to, as it always reminded her what her past life was like in the orphanage. sometimes, and she would meet a sweet gardener named emma woo.ds who would become her kind friend later down the line.

lord constantine would be upset if he saw irene acting "improper" and always knew his wife was being too kind to her - he especially did not like it when irene goes out into the village to bond with everyone she sees - perhaps he didn't want her to be "tainted" and it made her less ... appealing to potential suitors. part of him was worried about this when she gotten older. at some point, the lord would hire a mercenary named nai.b sub.edar to watch out for her as her outdoor adventures would become far more ambitious and "dangerous" as he imagined. irene would be 16-20 at this point. the mercenary ensured that they would have a very strict relationship, but irene still found a way to really become good friends with him and would let her off the hook a few times if the lord ever asked about her. "she didn't walk out today, she is sleeping as we speak", nai.b would lie, knowing fully well that irene is wandering out again.

the arranged marriage

when she turned 18-22, lord constantine would introduce irene to a man who he said would be her future husband - which was something that irene had feared for when she gotten older. she always believed that marriage was a bond of love and not of social advantage, her immediate concern was not knowing anything about the gentleman and she wanted to refuse. the marriage between her and the stranger would also guarantee a better connection of wealth from both families - exactly something that the lord had planned. even if she wanted to say no, it was not possible anymore as it has been mapped out before she even consented. the father promises that it's for the better and she'll come to love the gentleman eventually. she now only had half a year or so before the day of her union with the stranger. lady constantine wished she had better control over this situation, but she couldn't do much for her since she previously had control on who she wanted to adopt years ago and she didn't let her husband intervene with the decision, and he insisted it was only fair he gets to control what happens to irene next.

even if this is how it is now, lady constantine still felt like this wasn't right. is wealth or family more important to her?

after irene's wedding announcement, she became more distant from the family, almost as a form of rebellion to tell that she didn't want to go along with this plan. lord constantine wasn't too worried about her disappearance, and told nai.b to follow her in secret.

[lore dump part 2 coming soon]

[baileye]

I tend to go overboard, borrow problems from the future, and get anxious. I should find a middle ground. But my dark worldview does not prevent me from seeing the light. Jews have a word for when something good happens that I have tattooed on my ankle: “diaynu.” It means, “it would have been enough” as in “I already had so many blessings, and now this too.” I say it every time I see a nice ass go by. JK. But really, it’s plenty possible to live with deep gratitude in a world that horrifies you. 

A heart broken open is more easily filled up than a closed one. You know, the whole “cracks are where the light gets in” thing. Leonard Cohen was a Jew. 

*strains very hard not to add “[butt]” in front of “cracks”*

~Manifesting~ is selfing and selfing doesn’t make people better or happier.

Another central tenet of Jewish culture is a focus on tikkun olam - repairing the world, social justice. I love this about us. (Rebecca Solnit was incorrect when she wrote that pessimists excuse themselves from acting. You do not need hope to be an activist.) And maybe I’m a dinosaur for not wanting to deconstruct my vAlUeS… but I think any system of spirituality should include a moral imperative to be of service or at least to be ethical. 

~Manifesting~ lacks both. It’s almost always about self improvement, realizing your own dreams, or getting what you want. This is a flaw in a spiritual system not only on moral grounds but also because helping others makes people happy and self obsession makes people unhappy. 

~Manifesting~ may preach against negative thinking, but it implicitly invites people to ruminate on their inadequacies. Doing that makes people …feel inadequate, and, like astrology (not sorry!), often amounts to navel gazing. I call it “selfing.” 

Selfing takes us out of the present and blinds us to our surroundings. It makes our hearts dead to the wonders and horrors of the world––to the things that remind us how little we matter, the things that can deliver us from ego. Stop making vision boards, go outside, look at some fucking plants. Everything is waiting for you.

Selfing also weakens social ties, which precludes both collective political action and living in relation to others spiritually. These are the same two reasons you can often catch me talking shit about identity politics and trauma culture, though I’m not actually against either. David Brooks articulated what I’ve been exasperatedly trying to say for years in his (otherwise spectacularly myopic)2 August NYT column, Hey, America, Grow Up!: 

“… [People] don’t build secure identities on their own. They weave their stable selves out of their commitments to and attachments with others. Their identities are forged as they fulfill their responsibilities as friends, family members, employees, neighbors and citizens...” 

Yes! Connection gives life meaning! I think we are mass forgetting this. Or at least my internet algorithm and IRL social bubbles are.

[jadienjaystoriesandart]

I just got done watching a video that pointed out how a couple in a book series I read is bad for each other. Thus, after that trip and long conversations with my fellow fanders IRL I’m going to be picking apart couples in this web series and why some would work and others wouldn’t. 

This will be Part 1

Now keep in mind this is just my personal opinions from what I’ve read and what I’ve seen. Some of it is delving into Fandom area but others will be what we see in Cannon as well.  Sometimes couples I like will be ones I pick on because objectively they just aren’t good for each other. 

With that in mind let’s get started with the most well known couples.

Prinxiety (Roman/Virgil) - Everyone's favorite couple to either put through so much angst that I think these people either are really moody or have went through alot of shit. Like seriously, the amount of angst you find just is astonishing... And sometimes very unrealistic, but I digress.  But, though I like this couple in some instances, I find their relationship to be toxic and unreliable. 

Take into account their personalities in the series. Roman often shows his love by belittling or insulting a person. A thing we as fanders know to be because of his own insecurities. Now in comparison to self loathing and hating Virgil, who just takes it and even contributes to it. Regardless of if it’s just Virgil’s sense of humor, that still doesn’t make it right. How many friends do you know that insult you or don’t help you see the good in you. I can’t think of many instances where Roman, like Patton, would pick up Virgil after he tries to self-hate. Patton actively, though in a babying way, at least tries to tell Virgil he’s wrong about his hate. Which as we see takes our anxiety friend by surprise. 

Also there is the fact that Roman, as we saw in SvS Redux, really needs someone to be there for him. Virgil however also needs this. And this implies that if they were to be together it’s just be a struggle to get anywhere.  Not to say it couldn’t work, but it’d take alot of time. Roman would need to be more confident in himself and not take it out on others. And Virgil would be to be confident also and stop taking harsh words and such lying down. ‘

Though it is clear from the newest asides they do care about each other. 

All around a couple that has some issues that would make a romantic relationship hard. Platonic sure, I can see it because it works, but not romantic as neither I feel would suit the others needs. 

Logicality (Logan/Patton) - I do actually love this pairing, it’s cute and fluffy at times when the fandom puts them together. Not alot of angst I’ve found despite being popular couple number 2. However, with how the cannon portrays them to each other, they won’t work as a romantic couple in real life. 

To explain, Patton is very controlling, we see this through out the series. We know he doesn’t mean to be sometimes, but clearly being the side Thomas listens to the most, means he clearly has alot of power in the mindscape. Logan, by contrast, is very cold at times and very distant when it comes to his feelings or expressing them. Something he needs to work on. 

Several times we see Patton trying to force Logan to do things he doesn’t want to. The episode I feel this is highlighted in the most is Learning New Things About Ourselves. Logan isn’t one to just open up about things like how Patton, Roman, even Virgil are. Being these sides deal the most in feelings of many times.  Logan himself is a logical side, he things critically and prefers facts to solve problems. Patton however is very open and very feeling. And tries through out the episode to get Logan to express. Logan clearly is reluctant to do so, because it’s not his area and it’s not his thing. 

With people like this you can’t force them to open up, you can’t force them to express to you. It’ll just end terribly when you do and can even push them farther away. Which is what I think if happening with Logan.  Throughout this episode Logan expresses faintly that he doesn’t want to be see as a ‘Joke’ to them, because after all he’s logic. But the other keep disregarding him. Something it feels they are even guilt tripping him into it. Though we do see that Thomas tells them not to force Logan. 

To sum it up, Patton and Logan as a couple would be a rocky one at best because Logan can’t emote well and Patton can’t back off well. Both need to learn this because they could be a couple. 

Dukceit (Remus/Janus) - We don’t know alot about their relationship to really go into how they function. But if what Thomas said about the fandom being pretty spot on about their time together, then we can assume that as a couple they are pretty stable at times compared to most.  Janus clearly cares about Remus enough to listen to him and take in what he has to say where others won’t. And Remus, by extension, shows his appreciation by ‘gifting’ Janus with things. Possibly Remus seems to just love the attention and loves that someone doesn’t find him gross or immature. 

Janus clearly, if we are to go by fandom and Thomas’s words, wants Remus happy and they do seem to share a connection and lots of laughs.  I don’t ship these guys though, but if we are to go off of these things they would work rather well as a couple. Unless we find out more, this seems to be the outcome. 

Royality (Roman/Patton) - Now I’m not here to argue about how characters in a relationship would treat others around them. Just how they were treat each other. While I am of the opinion this couple would be a bit of a powerhouse to others they do work well together in some sense. Both are peppy and upbeat, Roman easily picks up Patton when he’s in a funk and vice versa. The amount of serotonin between these two dorks is something to marvel at. 

Granted in the new episode we see that there is some tension with Patton having really forced his own morals on Roman and this leads to tension when accepting new sides. But, as a couple they would work. I can’t see points that they lead each other one nor points were one tries to control the other, and in terms of words it’s mostly of encouragement. Patton clearly does care about Roman and Roman to Patton. This pairing really works well, has some rocky moments that can easily work through as no couple truly is 100% perfect, as I pointed out with the others. 

But out of all of the ones mentioned this one has the least amount of rough patches. They work together and don’t actively put the other down or force them 24/7. This does happen, but not often.  And I don’t pair them often, just from time to time. 

Analogical (Logan/Virgil) - These two are actually really adorable together and through out the series I can confidently say they would be great for each other. And this isn’t just me saying it, from all the evidence we see Logan and Virgil together just works. 

Logan has a calm disposition and is firm when he has to be, never once have I really seen them lash out at each other with harsh words. Only instance that comes to mind is when Virgil calls Logan a ‘Clueless idiot’. But that’s about it, any other time, even during the debate, afterwards they aren’t at each others throats and both seem to be rather comfortable around each other. Logan could easily be the rock Virgil needs to stand on his own but in his own time.

Virgil however is a good push for Logan, as he himself knows the value of taking your time. I can’t seem Virgil in the cannon ever forcing Logan, even in LNTAO Virgil was the only side that didn’t belittle Logan that much. Virgil was even reluctant, even if he was pressured into it in the end, and I can only think of once in which he did say something harsh to Logan... which was after Logan lashed out at Roman. (With semi good reason). Virgil easily could be that silent partner that Logan needs to feel something but within his own time. 

Granted it’d be a long courtship and time for them to learn each others cues as Logan is hard to give out love. But once he does open up he’s a mess that needs to be loved back. Same goes for Virgil, but where they work and Prinxiety doesn’t is that they are both used to giving gestures and reading the air. Where we have established Roman isn’t really good at.  Virgil could pick up easily when Logan is having problems and when to approached. And Logan is good at understanding when people need space and isn’t afraid to just talk about it rather than let things linger. 

They’d still have their problems, what couple doesn’t. But it wouldn’t be near as bad as some of the others. 

Moxiety (Patton/Virgil) - Where to start with this... I mean, it’s not a bad pairing but it’s also not a great pairing. Not for reasons some think. Honestly I could care less about the argument of ‘Son/Father’ shit that is peddled. It’s been established that Patton thinks of all the sides as ‘Kiddos’ even Thomas, even if none of it is true and Virgil and Patton are technically the same fucking age as Thomas is. Patton just is the group ‘dad’ and truly believes this. 

I digress, as for how they work as a couple it could be good or bad. This is one that it really does depend on how you look at the series as a while. Me, I’m on the fence.  On the one hand Patton is a good self esteem booster for Virgil when the other needs it. And Virgil is calm and understanding of how much feelings can be.  On the other hand Patton can be very forceful with Virgil and sometimes even baby him as we saw in the halloween episode. And Virgil does resent this, stating he is strong enough and doesn’t need to be coddled. 

Clearly there is a imbalance of power there also as Patton is possibly and ‘older’ side as in he’s been around with Thomas much longer. Thus is why he’s the one most listened to. While Virgil doesn’t have as much power as the other sides in terms of the amount he’s listened to.  It’s getting better though, Patton is trying to baby him less and let him really be heard. He’s listening to Virgil rather than assuming things. It’s slow, but it’s working.

In the end, it’s really on how you see it. This could either be a really good couple or really bad couple depending on how one writes them. Cannonly, it could work with time, but we’ll have to see as the series goes. 

Logince (Roman/Logan) - Not sure where to start with this one. Maybe at the fact Roman picks on Logan just as much as he does Patton. Or maybe with how Logan doesn’t take it laying down, most of the time, and does have a sharp tongue to lash back. 

These two are at tensions with each other, even after Why We Get Out Of Bed In The Mornings. Heck that was a whole episode about the tensions! And there is still tension as we go. Roman really needs to get a handle on his self esteem issues before pursuing any relationship I feel. Something I think is going to come up as Thomas enters one.

Logan has been seen lashing out verbally and once even psychically at Roman. He felt bad afterwards, but we can’t say it wasn’t justified with how Roman treated him. Having problems with feeling like he’s not listened to, interrupted, and something even insulted.  And again Roman’s problems with insulting others to boost his confidence comes back into play. Why it doesn’t affect him with Patton is because with the moral side Roman feels wanted and needed, with the others he lashes out because they make him feel that way. 

Logan even did insult some of Roman’s passions, which we know to be a sore spot for the creative side. Roman already has many problems as he’s limited by what is morally right and wrong. He puts time and effort into his things, and it hurts when someone comes along and insults you’re hard work.

Now whether they meant to do this too each other or not is up or debate. You could argue that Roman’s problem is internal and not directed at anyone. You could argue the same for Logan, or argue that the others need to learn that what they are doing is harsh even if they don’t mean it.  Regardless this couple would really need to work on these problems before ever getting together. It’s not something small like communication or feeling problems and can be fixed with the right person. This is them both putting the other know, internationally or not. And that’s not a healthy relationship at all. 

I’d say after they work through that Roman could be with just about any side. And some goes for Logan with Patton or Roman. With Virgil it’s not a huge problem as Logan never once has taken out his frustration on him, might be due to Virgil’s calmer nature, who knows. 

So yeah, that’s the end of part one. I’m not saying none of this would work, I’m saying with how they are NOW they wouldn’t work. We’ll have to see have the series progress how it goes. 

[floralkittygambler]

HuskerDust - More Toxic Than You Think [LONG]

This is the rough version of a deeper and more complex subject I want to ‘decorate’ with more ‘screencaps’.  DISCLAIMER: This is allegedly controversial and led to me getting literal death threats and an ED triggered. Ive about heard a lot of people’s shit on this so dont try it. I’m speaking from personal experiences too - experiences I really fuckin dont wanna be sharin yet they kinda validate my points. I want people to be aware of the damaging image from someone who can speak from experience without attracting dickheads or people twisting things. Again, I aint particularly comfortable sharing this so yeah- Be courteous- TW AHEAD - ALSO LONG ASS READ. DNI STANS OR ANTIS. May tag a few folks, may not.  HuskerDust is an extremely popular ship in the community however there’s glaringly obvious flaws in this one-sided relationship that both the fans and even the team fail to see. Neglecting the dangerous real world implications this ship [as well as many others] present to it’s audience - especially the more influenced of the audience, most who are children.

Angel flirts with all the male cast however one who catches his eye the most is Husk. Now I want to point out a few things [of many... obviously]; Angel is instantly starry eyed upon seeing Husk, likewise he actually started off with a ‘Hey~’ instead of something sexual. However he quickly ruins this after Husk tells him to go fuck himself [defined by: “ go fuck yourselfphrase of fuckVULGAR SLANGan exclamation expressing anger or contempt for, or rejection of, someone.” ie, he rejected instantly] by responding with an offer to allow Husk to essentially watch him masterbate. Alongside this, he cradles his face. Husk pulls away and seems to pull a face to express rage/disgust or growling imagery alongside COMPLETELY withdrawing his body away from Angel as Angel stares with goo-goo eyes. Firstly, Angel loves animals - perhaps it’s Husk appearing cute that adds to this, however Im not going to address animal imagery just yet. Secondly, Angel isn’t really portrayed to respect other’s boundaries BUT he does respect... Alastor’s. Al declines the blowjob to which Angel shrugs and doesn’t push this matter any further. With Husk, he’s pretty harshly told to piss off yet he makes quite and explicitly sexual remark, alongside invading his personal space and touching a man clearly disinterested and pulling away. From the initial rejection, it then becomes sexual harassment.  I also want to add that Husk comes with [some] perks in his feline form. And if my name didnt make it obvious, I work with and live with cats on a daily. Briefly, I have been educated in how to understand cat’s language in various individual cat as well as how to handle and work with them. Cats are often drawn towards me and Ive been successful with various types of cats. My most recent being a cat I’ve dubbed as Big - Big was abandoned quite young and has lived most his life on the streets [where I live is high in crime and drug rings, so you can imagine how strays are treated] leading to him being extremely fearful and hating people, hissing and fleeing just seeing people. I took time out last summer to finally give befriending him a shot. It’s taken just under a year of hard work and now he visits every day for his mush [wet food] and kisses, responds to his name and runs up to me in delight. Ive even taught him a phrase to signal that I dont want him or the other cat’s to fight [keeps them all safe and aids them becoming acquainted under supervision - something that’s been working surprisingly well]. I apologise in advance as this is not going to be the first instance of this sort of thing but they are relevant. Trying my best to keep it as brief.  For Husk, I will be using a mix of cat and human characteristics to break down his reactions.  In this first interaction, he turns his body away in a way to suggest caution, wariness and disinterest. In fact, much of his general body language is that of a man deeply closed off from connections - for starters, he folds his arms quick a bit which suggests lack of openness, shutting off and defensiveness *usually*. Likewise, when touched, he slightly jumps and tenses before pulling back in aggression with flattered ears - a sign cats give to display extreme hostility in a situation. It’s NEVER a good thing but then again, neither is crossing someone’s boundaries. It’s even stated that Husk hates Angel’s advances and wishes for nothing to do with him - the same dislike of sexual advances that Al dislikes in Angel. The ending as they all walk inside, Angel turns to Husk, winking and blowing a kiss his way despite the clear rejection earlier. In fact, Husk once again grows tense and is even irked by such a gesture. This won’t be the last mention of Angel totally disregarding how Husk feels - something that rubs off onto the fans AND the team themselves. And it’s... *concerning*, to phrase it lightly. Angel so far is the most persistent towards the most resistant, and in my post on RadioDust I have already established [briefly] on how Angel seems to chase unavailable men. The more unavailable, the more tempting. The one that got away, mentality. It’s not healthy. And I’m surprised so few have acknowledged this. Taking a break from what we’ve seen in the Pilot, let’s establish some facts about the pair.  Angel died in 1947 in his 30s [some posts specify 34-35], putting his birth year around 1911-12ish. Husk died in the 70s IN his 70s [again, nothing is truly specified, so for both we’ll go with 75 - the same number in his IG username] that puts birth year roughly 1900′s. Now an age gap between two adults of 11 - 12 years difference is actually reasonable and can work, depending on circumstance and whether theres a balance in power or not. But when we account for their life experiences and death ages, it’s something else entirely. Angel died young. Not only that but his mind seems more stuck in his raunchy teens than of an adult. And even THEN, he wouldnt be one to necessarily settle down [by which I mean in life, not romance]. He’s extremely emotionally stunted and his selfishness and wanting his own way come off very spoilt [when Husk is pissed off about the cat costume, Angel gets moody because he’s used to compliments AND is dressing to impress Husk. When Husk wanted the money he was rightfully owed, Angel threw a fit for ages until starting to earn it back - even though he owed Husk a drink, which I’ll be coming back to, Husk still wanted the money in the end perhaps hinting to only accepting a freebie as it’s on offer as well as Angel being overly persistent. He even dumps his pig onto Husk to look after, while theres no issue in pet sitting, Angel said Husk ‘owed’ him due to missing the show yet when HE owed Husk, he threw a fit.]. Angel’s life style is wildly chaotic in life AND death, and even though we all know he’s most likely going to be redeemed, he still lacks a lot of experiences in life. He lacks maturity.  On the other hand, Husk’s been through his own share of chaos and heartbreak. Difference is, he’s had a life time of experience. He doesn’t act immature in a childish sense. He truly behaves like a downtrodden old man. He’s had his days and would feel more secure settling down in a more peaceful environment with fun yet much needed calm. A better way to handle his need for risk. Age gaps in adults that are large [75 - 35 = 40 years!] are far less likely to work for a multitude of reasons. The main reason is the difference in life stages - that difference in mentality and experiences plays such an impacting role on compatibility. Often their goals and energies are polar opposites and their common grounds minimal. There’s also the looming concern of power dynamics. Whilst it’s usually the older figure that’s holds the power advantage, in this case it’s a little bit more complicated. I’d argue that it’s possibly Angel with the higher power. This rarely works irl but it’s POSSIBLE. Look at Hugh Heffner and his last partner before his death. I believe she was around 22. However there’s many common grounds, immediate attraction, and similar goals. Though incorrect, Heffner does give off a pimp-like vibe (he’s not but you get what I’m implying with mothlike imagery). Husk does not strike me as that type. It would definitely cheapen his character. In terms of interests, the main thing they have in common is that they like to drink. A bad habit, especially when one is an alcoholic. Both are also rather lazy except for certain circumstances [Husk will go out of his way to help HOWEVER he’s obliged to under Al, the only one he’s seen to willingly help and bond with/be seen with is Niffty. Angel is when there’s a fight, chaos, drama or any sex work]. Both are also rather snarky and vulgar. In terms of love, both suffer intimacy issues. On Husk, it’s ‘losing the ability to love a long time ago’ meaning he was likely cheated on or at least had a failed relationship. If he was ever ready for a new start, he’d definitely want something stable yet rewarding. For now, he needs a LOT of work - work he is not yet willing to put in, nor does he have a reason to. Angel doesnt want to commit because he’s extremely selfish as well as in an already abusive ‘relationship’ already. Sex work is sometimes VERY taxing on the mental health due to some of the folk you service. He’s seen the worst in many and just enjoys the pay and fuck. IF Husk was cheated on, then it’d make a lot of sense if a sex worker wouldn’t be his flavour, it would just serve as a reminder. Not only this, but Angel HIMSELF actively participates in cheating. Not with Val... but with *Travis*. BOTH know Travis is married (I’d be feckin worried if Trav didnt-) yet they still choose to cheat anyways, regardless of the pain it could cause. Angel even mocks this by sending greetings to Trav’s wife. Honestly this... Reminds me a LOT of Stolas - a main character who sexually harasses another character clearly not interested/comfortable, participates in cheating and we’re supposed to root for them (and before anyone gets offended, I do have more to say on Angel’s behalf so please be patient). Either way, it’s very toxic and concerning. Even if Husk wasn’t cheated on, I dont think many would feel exactly secure after having such a rough past with love, diving into a relationship with someone who’s openly participated in multiple affairs. And that’s no shitting on sex workers either, it’s just a point that some would feel uncomfortable with the idea of being with ANYONE (regardless of their work) having actively and KNOWINGLY took part in having an affair previously - especially multiple. Husk’s in an emotionally fragile place and needs more security. We’ve already established Husk heavily dislikes Angel’s advances. In fact, his responses to Angel are similar to his responses to... Al! His body language is VERY test and closed off to even Al, who’s most likely knew him for a very long time. If even Al gets this treatment (whilst also disrespecting his boundaries) then it’ll be the same with Angel (both force Husk into their lives and schemes, both disregard his boundaries). And he’s shown to STILL go out his way to help both however this is most likely tied to an unspoken ‘debt’ he owes Alastor. Plus he’s been mentioned behind the scenes to be a secret softie and protective grandpa type. But this animosity is very reflective of how Loona behaves and responds to Blitzo as well as how both Loona AND Husk (One being a ‘lowly servant’, the other being a literal old MAN) as pets - even the fans - just because of their forms. But this isnt the first of the disrespect they receive. Now we delve deeper Both are addicts of some kind (Husk - drinking, gambling. Angel - Drugs, possibly sex). Not a good mix at all romantically. Addicts often and unintentionally feed their addictions to each other as well as can increase likelihood of relapsing which even a recovered addict can slip back into. When times get tough (a natural occurrence) both are likely to suffer with their addictions. Interestingly, they can become addicted and dependent on one another, which is genuinely unhealthy for a mindset anyways, regardless whether addiction existed prior or not. Addiction only increases these chances. Angel likes confidence in a man (confirmed on Patreon). Yet, Husk is even confirmed  in streams to be deeply troubled and insecure. One thing he hates is his demon form, something that we’ll touch on shortly. Angel loves quality food ESPECIALLY of Italian origin whilst Husk is willing to eat the shit they give you in bars (admittedly that was painful to type as someone who grew up around pubs - either way it’s not exactly high quality or gourmet is what I’m saying). Interestingly, in some character references of Angel, it’s stated that he hates rejection. Hates. That’s a VERY strong word. This could explain but not justify why he’s persistent with Husk (similar to NiceGuys believing you’re playing ‘hard to get’ - further illuding to an immature and toxic mindset) though it interestingly doesn’t apply with Alastor. Odd.  There’s a counterpoint to symbolism in art. A very VALID counterarguement... If it suited Viv’s style. During Media Studies, Business, Design and Art, hell fucking Silent Hill! - I’ve been educated on effective symbolism as well as artistic trademarks (the most famous that most should know is Alfred Hitchcock!). Hitchcock often appeared in all his films, usually as a sidefacing silhouette, trading marking his films with his very PRESENCE. Viv’s seems to revolve around hearts. I mention this because an IG account made the point that hearts were to symbolise anyone connected with Angel’s story and love life (Valentino’s business and shades/collar, heart behind Angel’s head, Heart tattoo on Cherri’s right shoulder, hearts for Husk’s paws, eyebrow marks above natural brows, wings, and nose as well as most of the playing cards). Thing is, there’s hearts EVERYWHERE in all of Viv’s works and such symbology of Angel and hearts is weakened if it connects to the villains/abusers as well - taking away the positivity in a love symbol. Viv’s used hearts in her font, backgrounds, in characters ears, in all her series just generalised, Blitzo’s forehead, background characters, again the cards, Travis’s eyes, Millie’s right shoulder in the SAME place as Cherris. Even Vaggie had a heart tattoo on the shoulder in some christmas themed artwork (on her left). Heart’s is just something Viv seems to brand herself with. And that’s fine though I feel she could do with cutting it down slightly. One thing to early note on the cards (again, this’ll creep up later and my name should tell you why), most are heart suits and usually either a face card (J, Q, K), Joker, ace or 2s. Face cards/Jokers for more details close up (look at the signing artwork) and the rest are just easier to animate, though a little bit of a peeve to someone into their cards as well as the massive overuse of red in Hazbin overall. It’s extremely unlikely to be symbolic. If they change it to be so, then it’s... Weakened. As I’ve mentioned earlier, Silent Hill is an example of extremely clever symbolism in more darker media (more so, SH is considered a ‘hell’ of sorts and does feature religious iconography WITHOUT causing offence. A great example of how to portray this type of thing - they even mix humour in if you consider some of the sneaky references, dialogues and odd UFO/dog endings).  Discussing Viv’s art further, she drew a gift for her sister (original creator of Husk when he possessed white fur) of Angel playfully dragging a disinterested and annoyed Husk (I believe this was still around the time SpiderMoth was canon). The newish art tends to have Angel putting a holly crown on him or sitting on his knees, Husk seeming too lazy to really do anything about it. Very nonchalant. I also want to include some interesting stream arts here and later to further highlight their bond.  A fan asked Viv in a stream to draw them “actually getting along” - this wording implying that the fan is aware of Husk not enjoying Angel’s company. So Viv did, with an extra doodle of Husk being one of the ‘canadian people’ from South Park who sing “Im not your friend”. The art alone shows Husk’s absolute discomfort, even the extra thing Viv added w/o request. As they’re her characters and the fan asked for what they’d look like getting along, to show this discomfort goes to show the dynamic once planned. Husk just isnt a fan of Angel, especially when he’s being sexual and touchy. It can be great for small comedic parts, however both the team AND fans have now crossed this over to really creepy and triggering realms in their ships. It’s creepy and doesnt look good on Angel (who they actively root for) nor the gay community (more on that).

[Yes Ive already pointed out the comedic side of this ^ but it doesnt bode well considering the other points and issues that arise] There’s also a request for drag angel flirting with drunk husk. Personally thats a lil creepy to specify one of the two being intoxicated and thus not able to truly consent. If Angel is willing to flirt with someone in that state, it doesnt mean he would fuck them, but it does feel the fan was thinking that’s the case. In all truth, I think Angel WOULD flirt with those incapable of consent purely to swindle or pickpocket. I’d like to think [and HOPE considering his own abuse by Val] that he’d never take it further. And I hope Viv, the team and the fans see how incredibly creepy that thought is. I’ll give benefit of the doubt though it is still a concern. Either way, Angel appears... Annoyed? Husk is completely turned away and seems incredibly grouchy and confused. This shows yet more rejection on his behalf as well as Angel’s response to being rejected, which highlights his immaturity towards it. Remember, he’s USED TO and EXPECTS everyone to want him (even saying this in the Pilot). Hell, there’s even a Rich Vaggie request where Viv again randomly includes Husk. This time, he’s faced towards her and relaxed, though seems unimpressed and overall disinterested in this type of behaviour. Behaviour and interests of Angel [Celeb status and rich appearance due to Val, despite getting very little of the cut and the vanity, as well as Husk just not giving a shit about this sort of peacock display]. (Also wanted to note in Viv’s #3 stream 1:50:50, Faust makes out that Husk is a ‘dirty, creepy old man’ as well as him constantly threatening violence towards Angel. I dont see him as *creepy* in this context - as it implies perversion that he blatantly lacks fortunately - though it’s very telling of how Husk feels and again shows this toxic relationship).

/Angel’s Type: First off, daddy issues. He has them. Now let’s look at ‘daddy’. Henroin is shorter than Angel, dark fur, grumpy, old, wears only a hat and tie, big brows... Sounds familiar? Ok, look at his brother Arackniss. Similar to Henroin, dark, short, grouchy, bullied by and bullies Angel, is adverse to Angel and overall possess a bad relationship. Ok.... His main client, Travis! Short, dark fur, moody, Only wears hat and tie, drinker (shown in stream as request so take drinking with a pinch), similar face to- Is no one else seeing this trait? Angel seems to go for these shorter than him grouchier men who either want him for sex or hate his presence. Men who are like his dad and brother. All of these guys are far too similar, and we’ve got enough men in suits, bowties and sharp teeth in this show to boot as it is- The psychology of this type of attachment is rooted in a bad familial relationship alongside the subconscious desire to repair or compensate for it. Unknowningly the person will keep seeking out this sort of guy who isnt good for them to fix this internal issue. The resolution is to NOT go for these types. It’s also connected to intimacy fears, by going for those you know arent good for you/right for you/interested in you is often the manifestation of these issues. Pair them with daddy issues and it’s a disaster! There is science to back this up. Valentino is interestingly the opposite yet still toxic issues arise. Why? Because he’s going from one extreme to the other but with the same mindset. Neither of these men or types for MANY reasons are right for him. And visa versa. Seeing a pattern? ~~~~

Angel w Husk? I mentioned before that Husk hates his demon form. If you’re an old man, a gambler, some Vegas bloke and have this grouchier disposition, why the fuck would you want to look like an oversized pet? Exactly. Angel however adores his own aside from the feet. Now I find it strange how the guy we’re rooting for just so happens to like his own form which was intended for punishment. But that’s not todays post. I said earlier that Angel is heavily fixated on Husk’s appearance. Especially the feline aspects (calling him Husky and Kitty - petnames he hates that also treat him again more like a pet than a man -, dressing as a ‘sexy cat’ to appeal to him which can come off as more mockery. This is even backed up by fans who seem to think an old guy’s gonna act like some school girl anime trope?). All of this completely disregards and disrespects Husk’s feelings and perspectives. Something the fans and team take part in actively. Angel - whether you want to hear this or not - is SELFISH. When Husk ‘owed’ him for missing the show (babysitting Fat Nuggets), Husk begrudgingly fulfils this. The second Angel owed Husk for stealing drinks, Angel threw a hissy fit. The silent treatment, going to other bars and posting about it whilst complaining (again focusing on Husk being ‘cute’). Trying to cop out of it by buying Husk a smoothie (though it looked like a date, lets be real, do you REALLY have to bribe someone to date and be around you? No) and even then he still had to owe the money which was more of Husk’s concern. Yes he did in the end and more money than needed, hence the returning of the extra cash, but that is no excuse for the childish behaviour prior. He’s much too accustomed to being adored and pampered and getting his own way that he cant grasp when people arent a fan or willing to pamper him. If they make them a ship, all it does it make Angel completely into a shitty Gary-Stu that everyone loves and pities for his suffering, rather than teach him to grow, earn his redemption and confronting his own toxicity. Let me make this extremely clear: ANGEL DOES NOT DESERVE ABUSE OR RAPE. But when he starts behaving as shitty, he’s hard to root for. Remember, he’s sexually harassing all these guys, with Husk getting the brunt of it. But it’s treated as a joke for them and only taken seriously for Angel. Val abuses all of his employees. He abuses VOX and even THAT was mocked by fans and staff. It’s... It’s frankly gross.  In every interaction Husk has with Angel, his body language is closed off, tense, uncomfortable, turned away and hostile - look at the IG. He wont even allow Angel to touch him. Compare this to Niffty, who he’s fine with taking pictures with and letting her hang around and touch him. Body language is relaxed (relaxed shoulders, open body language) and he doesnt look hostile at all. What does Angel do? Always tries to get close to Husk (such as sitting as close as possible during Poker) and forces both his OWN hobbies onto Husk (ones that Husk shows a strong disinterest in) and Husk’s hobbies (Poker). It’s very FORCED and not natural. Going back to immaturity, he blames Husk and his cards for being shit at the game. They’re always bickering, insulting, fighting in the comments but fans only see this as a ‘cute couple fight’ or Husk being ‘tsundere’.Tsundere. An anime trope often used in young characters. Irl tsundere is NOT this dramatised. The tsundere you see in anime, apply that irl and you get the recipe for the most toxic, petty and immature relationship going. You get constant fights, unease, not feeling loved/appreciated, little trust - the list goes on. Plus an old bloke really isnt going to indulge in tsundere traits. It’s childish. After his history with love, I doubt he’d be up for games and messing about. For something meaningful, he’d just want open honesty. Their ‘relationship’ feels like it’s written by horny kids attempting a fanfic after being inspired by 50 shades and twilight (both show toxic relationshiiiiiips~). The worst is that these are adult writers trying to portray some realistic yet sensitive topics. This is just ill fuckin taste. Even the warnings in Helluva’s ‘Horny Demons’ leaves a bad taste when the fans are thinking Stolas is the best dad despite both parents ruining Octavia’s mental health. Despite the next day after that episode aired Stolas starts flirting with Blitzo again on IG. Despite Blitzo being clearly uncomfortable and sexually harassed and even co-herced into sex (VERY UNHEALTHY MESSAGES HERE). Viv herself has been in bad relationships so how the fuck she’s blind to this and even borderline fetishizing this sort of behaviour that everyone seems to play off as ‘Awwww cute tsundere <3 BOYFRIENDS BOYFRIENDS BOYFRIENDS’ is abhorrent. I’ll go into this more later on how this really just... It treats male sexual harassment and assault as a fucking joke- Angel’s constant unwarranted flirting is no different from the freaks on IG that send dick pics to underage kids and random women in their dms and fathom that they’re ‘nice’ and have a ‘chance’. Wanna know the creepiest? The candid photo of Husk on Angel’s wall. Something Husk seems horrified about. It’s fangirlish and teenager like at BEST, and obsessive stalker at worst. He’s NOT respecting Husk’s boundaries or feelings. That’s still up despite Husk’s reaction. He still wore the costume despite Husk’s feelings. Angel’s thinking with his dick and it’s such a fucked up message that everyone seems to support just because ‘its FICTION. Theyre in HELL.Theyre BAD people.’ Yeah? Well look at how that’s effecting and warping reality and perspective. It’s glamourising it. Fetishsizing stalking and making it cute. Yer have celebrity or boyband or whatever youre a fan of pics on your wall. NOT your crush. NOT someone who clearly isnt interested or happy with this. If someone who kept commenting on your pictures “sexy” suddenly had a picture of you on their wall, what would YOU think? How would YOU FEEL? Because myself and my own sisters have been in VERY fucking similar situations and it’s traumatic. His paw is even attempting the lens - Angel is crossing his boundaries and not getting the message that Husk doesnt want this. He’s forcing himself onto Husk. Yknow... VAL forced himself on Angel and it ended up in numerous rapes. Angel hasnt raped Husk, but if he wont take no. If he wont respect boundaries. If he only wants Husk to do what he wants but throws a fit when he owes husk - he’s picking up on Val’s bad habits more and more. How are so few - even the very team creating this - not seeing how disgusting this is? Are we only supposed to give a shit if Angels hurt? If so, the message isnt so much of how despicable Val is but how awful it is to upset Angel. Fans constantly blame Husk for being grumpy, annoyed at or rejecting Angel. Look at this real world implication. Not only that but Angel being gay just reinforces one of the worlds most disgusting and inaccurate stereotype of gay men being sexual predators and forcing men to have sex whether theyre comfortable or not. MOST gay men arent like this, and those who are its just because THEYRE shitty people (Jeffree fucking Starr, but look how people ‘stan’ his fuckin behaviour). Val is rubbing off on Angel as much as fiction has a MASSIVE impact on reality - whether we’re willing to admit it or not. Like Val, hes pushing past boundaries, he’s selfish, hes more into visuals than anything else. It’s one sided, superficial and theres no click. No connection. Be in this situation yourself and seeing this sorta shit becomes second nature to stay alive. Angel even says that most of hells residents are ‘ugly freaks’ yet finds Husk cute. It’s all LOOKS. Who else likes appearances alone? Val. I know this will trigger and upset fans, Ive been told to fucking die and have my ED triggered when I mentioned it before. But accept that all of them have flaws. Everyone irl have flaws. But there’s flaws and then theres a fuckin crime. If Husk was a woman, more people would see the flaw, but even then... Look at many romance movies - not all but many go for opposites attract (science proves this inaccurate irl), stalking, or even sexual harassments and assualts but she falls for him and they end up together. That aint love thats Stockholm with extra steps. Think you’re triggered and upset? Go through this shit - have a history with it happening - and then see some show you love and a comfort character get treated the exact same and everyone JUSTIFIES it, including the team themselves. It’s NOT cute.  Part 2 to the previous point: Both do share common interests, but it’s very unhealthy such as excessive drinking, both being addicts and being rather lazy, etc. Otherwise the common ground just isnt good. They’re opposites that really dont compliment each other. (Not a valid point here but I find it interesting how Angel loves aquariums and Husk can fly too). Viv’s writing is mediocre at best (but with glowing potential - a diamond in the rough - hence why it’s so frustrating) but Husk’s writing is the laziest. According to Viv he’s (paraphrased) “easiest to write... doesnt care about anything, almost always grumpy leading to similar reactions to everything”. His voice and alcoholism even has a lot of inspiration from Rick Sanchez. As I said with Angel in the RadioDust post, it’s almost like the addictions are seen as a joke. A running gag is fine if you can play it off well and it’s not about something so serious EVEN MORE SO when the series is about how damaging the addictions are and redemption. Why is this end goal being ignored unless it’s about Angel himself? That’s not just favouritism or bias, that’s also heavily self indulgent and a backwards ass message. Right now, Hazbin and Helluva have this ugly fixation on sex and ships. VIV has a fixation on ‘horny demons’. Her main characters are incredibly sexual bar Al (dont even say Husk, Niffty, Charlie or Vaggie or even loona and Moxxie are even on par with the focus and treatment Val, Angel, Blitz and Stolas are given). It’s very fixated and concerning. Its starting to feel like it’s about to divulge into hentai than a legit series with even a hint of the plot or a message. It reminds me of Family Guy trying to be BoJack. It’s starting to remind me of fucking Sausage Party and the final orgy. Sex and swears makes it inappropriate for kids but that doesnt make it adult or mature, and this is coming from someone who swears more than a fucking sailor whos stubbed his bare pinky toe on a fucking crate corner. Constant swears arent funny or artful in the slightest when it’s over done. It���s just... childish adult humour. We cant be expected to want to root for any of them at this rate- All A24 and other companies are seeing is big cash and easily manipulated child audiences (for easy money). They KNOW it can be better but theyd rather be lazy as they’ll profit big either way. This is going to end up like YanSim and YanDev. Amazing potential, shit writing with a leader too stubborn to accept and act on criticism, seeing it as hate. At this point, Husk isnt a deeply troubled man with vices and interests. He’s just fuck candy and romantic end goal for Angel. To compliment and complete him. Just another accessory to the Angel Show. Vivs sister who made Husk even loves Angel so it’ll only serve to further this already toxic narrative.  The ship doesnt look or feel right. There’s too much established now to see the dynamics and favouritism in the creators. Self indulgence. You cant play favourites when you do this sort of thing professionally. The audience can see it and it turns people away. Ask any nonHaz/Helluva fan what they think and it’s... Well, average.  Another thing is everyone went full hype on Frozen focusing on something other than romance as a form of love. But then go back to “Ok now everyone reenact the final scenes of Sausage Party” afterwards. Not everything is sex and romance, and it really is starting to feel Viv and the fans are focused on that like Incels focusing on ‘chad’. It’s creepy. Helping with food, telling someone self conscious on their weight that they’re not fat, not taking more money than someone owes, even helping out with a pet - that’s something that a good friend would do. In fact, Husk even laughs at the goofy Angel cutout and it being destroyed. It doesnt instantly equate to wanting to fuck. The fact that the fans and even some of the team seem borderline horny is... Completely destroying this show, it’s message and everything about it. Viv said ships were hardly the focus in her stream but look at it now. Look at what Viv focuses on now. It’s just fanservice shit. Nothing more. Self indulgence shit, look at the team making rape into a fetish or shipping themselves publicly with the characters on the public IGs. It’s like watching children run a business and it’s painful because the entire series is suffering when it could be amazing.  Friendship should be more normalised as a valuable type of relationship just as much as love or family are. I’ll also add that Husk adding after the show “Oh fuck... Is this what I missed? Shit.” is ooc like the ‘date’ (that was compensation for stolen drinks, like a tamer version of Blitzo fucking Stolas for the grimoire). It contradicts that he slept it off rather than an attempt at staying awake, as well as calling it a “god damn peepshow” implying a repulsion to the peverse tendencies. The constantly commenting, following and posting Angel related pics makes little sense either from someone who’s blatantly been sexually harassed as well as the clear repulsion of the candid pic on the wall. He outright rejected Angel. What would be realistic are the IGs focusing on learning about the characters, their lives and interests - ALL updating at realistic paces. Old men arent tech savvy usually nor care for social media that much. He’d post drinks, gambling, casinos, life with Niffty and Alastor. Heck maybe a picture of Angel captioned “When will this guy leave me the FUCK alone?”. He even only seems to tag angel, even in the pic that had Charlie and Vaggie [their shared account] or Niffty. Theres a CLEAR bias in the staff room and it’s messy. Look how most the female cast is ignored (Vaggie/Charlie, Velvet who posted a birthday gift to one of the new artists on the merch WHY? Gasu btw, Niffty, Millie only posting twice - heck even Vox and Loona sometimes get neglected. CLEAR. BIAS.) The ships focused on are 1) NOT established canon yet publicly favoured by Viv and the team (Stoliz, HuskerDust, VoxVal - that last pair havent actually got a VA either-), 2) Are TOXIC and theme around abuse or sexual harassment but it’s ‘cute because gae’ - NO. This makes gay people look really bad when they’re not. 3) HD and SL focus on one sided, stalkerish, cop out ‘tsundere’ excused ships to sugar coat the creepiness which only further fuels bigotry, 4) SL has MERCH on it now, so thats also profiting on sexual harassment imagery (again, dont give a shit they arent real - the EFFECTS are. The people who can relate ARE. The people being horridly stereotyped ARE). Thing is, the IGs originally were there to promote ADDICT which started as a fan song anyways despite everyone saying how Viv is stubborn in her ways an uninfluenced by her fans (proof says otherwise) yet shes allowed a fan song to be canon. Theres a focus on forced love for fanservice. The IGs have long outstayed their welcome. The Val account allows glamourisation of the sick shit Val does AND entinses fans to bully as they forget a REAL PERSON runs the fucking account, Val isnt even a scary villain either - hes just a big teen like everyone else - stuck in a teen drama with all this. Pimps are smart. Theyre scary. Theyre masters of manipulati- HOW DO THEY NOT DO THE RESEARCH?! Viv wanted this sense of realism and dealing with sensitive topics in one of the worst executed ways Ive ever seen- It’s toxic. It’s dangerous. These are shit messages and your fans display that when they think all criticism is ‘hAtE’ and actively bully real people w REAL EXPERIENCES. Telling them to ‘stop pls’ does fuck all because you still promote shit messages straight after. Like with Stolas to Blitz in a IG story a day after Ep 2. Classy.  Fanservice seems desperate to keep these fans (rather than market correctly... Just like YanDev) and it leads to fans feeling like they have the audacity to steer the series. Poor business with WEAK boundaries. Viv, you lost your series a long time ago. Want it back? LISTEN TO LEGIT CRITICISM. Stop surrounding yourself with yes men. Even my best fucking friend calls me out when Im out of line because a real friend will fucking take the chance of hurting your feelings if it means helping you in the long run and grow.  Mick joked about the inside of Husk’s ears matching Angels coat, that the ears are cat’s most sensitive and vulnerable parts. 1) Cats vulnerable part is their tummy - hence why you need their trust first (alternatively yer get the odd cat that has full confidence they cat hurt you a lot faster than you can tickle them - I own one), 2) Its weird that Viv doesnt know this considering how many cats she has - its important to learn the language of those you love to give them your full understanding and a great bond 3) This romanticises sexual harassment more than it already is in the media (remember, theres women out there still murdered for saying no!) as well as reinforces the stereotypes of gay men forcing non-interested men into sex (again, a very toxic and unrealistic trope - a dangerous one thats led to gays being murdered!). And the ears design is unnecessarily overly complex considering those fuckin wings he supports. If the design adds nothing to the character but aesthetic, then it can go on the chopping block. Rules for simple animation. Besides from Angel sharing the same tooth as Val (who knows if that was added after he started working for Val as branding?) you could use this argument to say Pent or Al are soulmates for Angel because of having striped suits, or sharp teeth - no, it was intended as a joke that Viv fueled to irresponsibly because it’s not the first time she’s dodged publicly addressing something (something youll NEED to get used to in a big company), and she’s publicly dodged shit after this too so Im not putting faith in her until she can act professionally as the job requires. Likewise, professionals should consider what and how they joke as they’re presenting an image of a company/business. And people WILL eat that shit up face value regardless. In her stream #2, a fan requests for art of flustered angel and smug husk to fuel their ship. at 2:10:21, she does so. She’s also done this for Baxter x Niffty and Cherri x Tom. As a professional, you really should be avoiding this sort of thing in the name of fanservice. I get it, fanservice = financial gain. But it also results in empty meaning. It’s a shell of what the passion project once was, hence why you make the ENTIRE skeleton before involving others. The team help construct the muscles, tendons and organs. The public - moreso critics and the more experienced in those fields help sew the skin. Then you bring it to life, the fans become like blood. They aid to keep it alive. Even Ash and Mick mention Husk being ‘tsundere’. Im had most my piece about it earlier, however I’ll repeat and add some extras. Tsundere is an exaggerated personality, often used in younger characters. In terms of a relationship, it’s very immature, leads to poor communication and results in a toxic love. Science can back this up as well as the lack of realism. It’s more immature minds/hearts that go to what they interpret as tsundere in hopes of the love life the media portrays. A farce. Y’know what Angel needs? Someone open, honest, open to love and comforting. He doesnt need someone rebuffing and him chasing. It’s nothing more than an immature thrill. Once the love begins, it’s burns out QUICK. It’s far from sustainable or healthy. It’s not what either really need and further show Angel’s fixation on men who subconsciously remind him of his father. It’s not healthy. Another thing is a tsundere actually IS interested but shows it in the most immature and childish means possible. Would a really old bloke actually give a shit to play those sorts of games? No. Not one coming from a place like husk has. It’s painful how lacking in research and experience these people are. Science backs up that opposites solemnly attract also. In fact, they often either repel or only get as far as friendship.  Fan and Team Mentality in Brief: Im coming out with my ultimate pet peeve: if you’re going to have one of the MAIN characters be a gambler, do your research. The only background shit is a casino, LOADS of sex references (in Pride? Really?) and drugs. It’s like someone listing what they think is adult and tabboo and naughty. It’s yikes. Cards are almost always aces, 2s or blank. MOST are heart suits (like we need MORE red - we get it, it’s hell. But it’s an immature larvae stage hell). I get 2s and aces being easier to animate, however you have Husks wings, the entire of alastor, angels arms - if youre busting the budget for the menial then bust it to the cards. Theres like ONE spade. The full house isnt a full house (here’s a display of the fans lack of education on the matter as well which serves as a sure sign that they know just as little on any of this as SpindleHorse, they think it’s a sign on him being a card cheat. A card cheat. I aint saying hes not but what I AM saying is poker professionals are some of the most observant people in the world. Especially when money’s involved they’ll ensure youve got your facts right. That wouldnt fly at ALL. But theres more~ fans think Husk spent loaaaads of time staring at angel’s face in the IG poker out of <3 Newsflash. When you play poker you read EVERYONE like a book. Every little twist and twitch of the features. Its not about love. It’s about winning. Its about money. Play enough poker and it’s instinct if you want to actually play decently. Call bluffs. Life aint a fuckin romance.) And playing Poker at a BlackJack table? In a casino? These are all common knowledge and basics if you just research. And this is coming from someone with a history of this.  The fans even believed Tipsy Bartender’s ‘Peach Princess Cocktail’ was something Spindlehorse made as a beverage form of Niffty, Angel and even Charlie because of the name. Now, Im not expecting everyone to be a fuckin boozy either, but to not even consider it’s a very real drink does show that many fans are far too young for that 18+ label.  Fanart of HD often has Husk being OOC OR being held hostage (often via webs - one even being reblogged by Viv, aint that cute!). Some even have Husk completely intoxicated, which would be rape. Im not sugarcoating it. Because too many are getting the sweet treatment and copying Viv’s ‘dont address and it disappears!’ tactic - A LOT of internet celebs do it. The ship is drawn a lot by the team in the public eye, Viv reblogs it publicly (SL, HD, alongside canon only ships, how curious-). Husk is pan yet doesnt behave as the stereotype. And Id FULLY support this with my fucking SOUL (fun fact: you cant sell a soul. Thats myth to scare people-) if it was done correctly. But the way bisexuals, lesbians, gays and aces are portrayed so stereotypically (even Pan in terms of Val’s sexomania), it’s really REALLY uncomfortly coming across as Husk being pansexual JUST to make him an ‘option’ for Angel. Hell even the hets are given a shite representation. Some art btw has husk tricked into a kiss. Cute, we’re really starting to like blurring consent aint we? Remember, Angel has celeb power in his world. In the real world, he has a following. HE has the power in the ship massively. Hell, fans JUSTIFY Angels behaviour and absolutely rip Husk a new shithole if he fuckin even so as to DARE OPPOSE ANGELS MUCH DESERVED LOVE! - sarcasm because I have to make that shit clear now. Fans dont care about Husks feelings, he wasnt even popular until this ship started to explode. Y’know what would be cool and break stereotypes? An old straight white guy actually accepting his friends sexualities. The pan thing feels really fucking gimicky and exploitive and gross based on the history of all this shit. It feels disingenuine. Representation doesnt come from it just being there. What next? Katie whips on blackface to further show shes a bigoted knobhead whos white and straight? Dont get me wrong, Katie’s an arsehole but theres other means to show this rather than ALL HETS HATE THE BIG GAE. They dont. They really dont. But hey, we’ll show a gay man sexually harass every guy and root for him! NO. Thats fucked up. It makes gays look like the predators theyre not. It’s like the fucking 50s with modern tech - is that the real identity of Vox? Fuckin maybe. WHAT THEY NEED - FUCKING FINALLY, ITS THE END IVE BEEN ON THIS SHIT FOR DAYS WHILST SICK LUCKY ME EH? CAN YER FEEEEEEEL MY TIREDNESS OF FANDOMS AND CREATORS EXCUSING SHITTY THINGS FOR CLOUT, MONEY, FAME AND OTHER DUMB SHIT? IF YOU CANT, THEN WHAT THE FUCK, AND OTHER NEWS: Right. Lets get our main shit. Compatibility between the pair is really low - lower than even the team seems to see. And yer old fart of a Hag here’s gotta use my personal suffering as an example because thats what the cool kids do, right? Their friendship compatibility is high. VERY high. But low for love. HEALTHY love. In terms of convo flow, it only has a river when insults are flying, otherwise Husk actively cuts Angel short or outright annoys him. In reality, someone like Husk would gross out Angel, but the cute cat look can turn that the fuck around - JUST the look. Fans and the team oddly think it’s cute though. Yes, I remember being negged at the bar and thinking “BOY arent my pants flooded like the fuckin planet when the ice caps are melting”. There’s no click. Theres infatuation and lust one sided based on looks. Husk isnt even remotely interested and no means delayed yes apparently. Angel as a rape VICTIM should know better than to blur consent like this. Angel isnt a rapist [for the skim reading raging stans ANGELS NOT A RAPIST, YAAAAAY!] but he sure has a shit grip on when he’s looking like Val when Val forced Angel into a kiss by not accepting rejection. It’s. CREEPY. Its fuckin weird. Husk is literally named after being a shell of his former self, I doubt random sex and forced interest is gonna make him spring to life like bastard Zeberdy from the Magic Pissin Roundabout. Honestly, sexual harassment and addictions are treated the same in this - a joke. A punchline. A gag. Sure makes me fuckin gag. Nah, the more healthier Chaggie relationship (needs work on Charlies damn part - dont let freaky taxidermy men sexually assault your life partner like that) is booooring, lets focus on sexual harassment leading to true love like all the other shitty romcoms shall we? Or sugar coat it with ‘getting to know them better <3′ like Beauty and the Beast. A story, by yours truly: My mom’s mates with this woman. Lets call her M because her name starts with an M. M is just like Angel except slightly older, overweight and disabled - so not everyones cup of tea visually (shes neither here nor there to me imo, not like I hold interest in shaggin her). Like Angel, she fuckin flirts with any ANY man around her. She’ll even touch without consent, rub allllll up and down their backs and bodies, and not leave them alone. She even did this with a few gay men. Shes not a horrible person BUT mom and I are constantly trying to stop her and get through her head how DISGUSTING this treatment is. But nothing gets the message across. Shes ALWAYS talking men and sex and has an on/off fling with this one bloke (dont worry, hes the male M, cheats and does the same as her). Everyone, even women, are uncomfortable with this. Irl it’s desperate and a HUGE repellent. Men are visibly SO uncomfortable. She does it to my father too who is - in case youd forgotten - MARRIED TO HER BEST. FUCKING. FRIEND. My father is not a man of fear (and interestingly, hes one of the real life Huskers I know!) but this woman? *insert Heavy bc why tf not* She scares him. My dad does everything in his damn power to pull away, reject, resist, avoid and cut her off. The only reason hes even nice to her at all is because mom likes her (when M isnt a gross hornbag, shes genuinely a good friend to my mother - much like angel and Cherri). My dad’s strictly banned from insulting her or telling her to fuck off from my mother BECAUSE of her nature with him. Even at her non horny times, he’s even said shes not his flavour.  I’ve had numerous accounts like this myself (ask any woman-) but the worst was the guy thinking - THINKING - that Id eventually be his whilst he played up a lot of our similarities up, seemed nice and I actually thought I had a good guy friend (put it this way, Im genuinely scared of men because of guys like this). At this time, there was a character I discovered who looks and behaves SO much like me, and shes married. My simping arse for this fictional BEAUT [Im sorry but Iris is fucking awesome] compared her romantic traits towards Olgerd as something Id do - and this was a STATUS. It wasnt even too him, tagging him, nothing. I was just spamming Iris like the Iris whore I am, and... Yep. Ill be honest and say that God only knows what else I did that made him think I was ready to rip off my clothes and shag him. My post history back then showed Im like this when I find a character I relate to. I also send hearts a lot publicly and to friends to express joy - I get NERVOUS how that’ll be taken now. He tried to pit my ex friend and I against each other for him and even cyberstalked us pretending to be a girl named Raven. My GUT told me this aint no bastard ‘Raven’. The vibes he gave me, and the fact when I kept saying no he took it as a delayed yes (He even said “Ill wait for when youre ready” not “I understand and am happy to still be friends”) gave me literal nightmares of this guy tracking me down and raping me. He’s currently dating that ex friend (I was still willing to be their friend and support them but they said it was hard to keep us separate in her lifes and she didnt want conflict, so I cut it off amicably with her and I fuckin hope he treats her right. I even sensed in my gut she’d like him and he’d like her - even that theyd be good together! But then I found she was 17 and he was 10 years older, that he was cyberstalking and pitting us against each other, that he was secretly an arrogant fuck and that he gives off red flags like her ex’s - but shes passed 18 now and I want to trust her as an adult that she can deal with this. Shes got a good family.) As a kid, Ive been fuckin groped at school in my shitty neighbourhood. One kid even harassed me wanting to know if Id started my periods yet. Hed constantly fondle girls and ‘keg’ them aka yank down their skirts or trousers in public, and 2 years later held a fucking KNIFE to my throat in a classroom with the shittiest substitute teacher, all because I stood up to him (I was not known for my bravery at school so). He was harassing my female friend who suffers from it since as well as her upbringing, bullying her and stealing her stuff. Shes TINY. She was bullied just as bad as I - who was somehow both the school ghost AND pariah somehow- - and I stepped in and told him to cut that shit out before snatching her things back. I told her to ignore the desperate prick. Thats when he took a boxcutter and held it to my throat, threatening me to keep my head down. Now my neighbourhood fucking qualifies as the British ‘hood’ but Id been lucky to avoid this. Ironically, I wondered what this situation would be like a year prior. Im convinced I can fucking foresee bad shit now and with anxiety that aint good. I froze mentally and I just said “Wooow, Im fucking scared- *friends name*, ignore him” and continued my work. I fucking mentally kicked myself for speaking but I genuinely didnt know what to do. Obviously not fucking that. He sat the full TWO HOURS at our table with this knife, jolting forward mockingly and switching who he pointed it at. The knife btw was from that very room as it was graphics and art. Teacher didnt even notice though honestly Ive had an entire class throw shit at me and call me a whore and the teacher in that class looked at me and TURNED AWAY. End of the day, I reported it to my actual graphics teacher when he returned and he told me he’d take this higher up and to get my parents. My home was only 5 minutes away but I had to walk alone when most the students were gone AND through a fucking alleyway. I always walked with my head low but that day I kept it high and tried to look brave because I genuinely thought he was waiting for me. That he was going to rape and kill me because he’s a pervert and Id just discovered a fucking violent one at that. I broke down at my door. Do you know how fuckin hard it is to look your parents who are dealing with two cancer patients and other issues in the eyes and tell them their ‘little girl’ had a knife to her through for standing up for herself? We went back, I described everything and even remember the yellow-orange handle just to get this kid punished? I even wrote an official police statement (well, the written witness account they add to their statement and evidence) and had to speak on mine and my friend’s behalf because she was that shook up. I never even used to speak for myself! He got expelled, but yknow what us jolly folk dealt with? Hearing kids and his mates mumbling about the ‘rat’ and how much of a cunt they were. Teachers and kids praise him for his art skills and even pin them on display EVERYWHERE (one - ONE - was a fucking self portrait and none of the staff seemed to find issue in that) and even an occassion where he came back into the school when he legally wasnt (trespassing). Do you know how hard it is to fucking avoid someone without raising suspicions from everyone around you in a narrow corridor? Im TALL too. I got NO support from this and felt on edge because he could easily sneak into school. I couldnt say shit because his stupid ‘spies’ were about. Just typing this is upsetting enough- I also know a rl Angel who’s like him minus the sexual harassment. She’s... I never used to like her and visa versa but we actually get along really well now, even though she can be creepy and perverse- But she wouldnt be my type either nor I with her. Often we really fuck each other off but we can also bond great. Another incident reminds me of Husk’s candid photo. Ive had people keep my photo despite me saying not to however I had someone SOMEHOW at that school one the fuck up that. There was a cut out from a magazine of a lady who looked like my DOUBLE except she was asian. Now I thought this was cool and it made me feel sorta pretty. This one girl showed everyone and the teacher, pretty much everyone was like “Oh shit that really is you, C!” and it was harmless fun at first. Until I wanted the picture. Again, this woman looked EXACTLY like me. Yet this girl refused and said she wanted to keep it and even carried it around in her pencil case. Yes it wasnt me but due to the similarities, this photo was called me (tbf the fuckin pic got more respect than I did-). This isnt the only creepy instant between me and this girl but the photo reminds me of it. And this tops people keeping photos OF me which happened in primary school. This was me but legal at that time. And asain. It was super fucking neckbeardy the way she treated this photo and stared, often stroking it and looking at me. I just hope she was only trying to scare me. Theres one final instance of a sexual assault but Im just not yet ready to be public about it. 2 here already know. Those are some of my rl experiences and more to come (unfortunately) that show these behaviours in real life. It seems - it comes across - that sexual harassment, MORE SO TOWARDS MEN, is seen as some punchline and not something legitimately horrifying or dangerous. It’s not cute. It’s fucking FAR from it.  Ive already mentioned how putting two addicts together can lead to relapsing, dependence on each other in an unhealthy way. And Ive even mentioned what Angel needs in a relationship in the RD post. Luckily for you, I’ll copy and paste it here: “ We need to think about where both are mentally. What benefits would a relationship give both? How would they be good and bad for each other? For Al, aside from his outdated views and being a fucking murderer and narcissist, he actually seems in a good mindspace for a relationship IF he opted to be in one. Angel however has a very immature mindset, likewise is in a phase of life where hes bed hopping. IF he were to be in a relationship, I’d say he needs a male equivalent of Cherri - someone with a similar mindset yet some differences, willing to have fun and in touch with their younger side, down to cuddle, open to share and receive love as well as not afraid to publicly be affectionate with him, someone who sees him as more than just for sex, someone fun, someone who’ll let him embrace his cutesy side publicly without shame - Cherri is younger so maybe someone who’s his age or slightly younger perhaps? I think Angel’s not retirement home ready to settle and needs someone on his level that can cuddle and chill as well as feels free and youthful enough to go wild with him. In one sense, he’s got a teen girl sorta mindset (dont put him with a teen though, it’s fuckin weird-). He needs someone positive and raw, someone to let him be himself as well as someone comfortable to be themselves around him. He has a habit of latching onto unobtainable men (in psychology, this is self sabotaging subconsciously): Travis the client, Val a pimp, Husk (emotionally unavailable and needs HEAVY self work - interestingly far more than Angel - plus he’s still onto his last relationship and an addict to gambling and alcohol), Pent who’s the enemy he was currently fighting (inappropriate timing), Alastor who’s not interested in another but his own needs [selfish, VERY bad for a relationship]. Subconsciously he’s self sabotaging on purpose. There’s many psychology books as well as sources online for this, if you’re interested. Either way, Angel is drawn to men either like his father [who dislike him, shun him, or are otherwise cold, abusive or just blatantly dislike or otherwise dont care about him] or anyone with money to fuel his drug addiction/’debt’ to Val. Going with any of these men isn’t a good idea. Preferably, Angel needs someone who he doesnt immediately crush and obsess over. Someone who he doesnt sexually harass or assault. Someone he can build a connection with quickly that can bud into romance (think how Chaggie started as a friendship which clicked immediately). Maybe even someone he doesn’t expect to fall for but does so anyways. It would be more realistic as Viv wants as well as more healthy. That for once he isnt sex or money craved instantly, thus doesnt sexually harass/assault and is given a proper chance to develop and grow a friendship and love. Someone who isnt an addict. Someone with an on-par mindset where they click. Someone open to love. For any chance of a good relationship, Angel needs to be with anyone BUT who we’ve already seen. There’s too much toxicity that’ll be swept under the rug and justified otherwise. Too much shit to fuel homophobes in terms of gay stereotypes. Even though Ive focused a fair bit on Angel, it’s NOT just about Angel. That’s something fans forget. Some he depends on or someone who depends on him in the long term wont last and will be very dangerous to both. Just because you suffer, you dont then deserve to be rewarded with ‘something nice’. You dont get to have everything youve ever wanted. Giving him any of these blokes [minus Val] gives him a pass. Gives him what he wants. I get Viv loves him but life doesnt work that way. True lasting growth comes from learning that. Acceptance and growth. You dont get everything you want and sometimes thats a GOOD thing. He’s not a spoilt kid who gets everything he asks for, he’s YOUR creation. If you really wanted what your creations deserve then you need to research and be realistic with it. Because hes starting to feel like a shitty Gary-Stu at this rate.” Sorry for that copypaste clusterfuck. Copy paste is not my forte lol Now Husk. Remember Big? Probably not after the info overload, but if you do GREAT. Big needed love, patience, understanding, someone who could help him, someone who understood and respected his boundaries. I spent so much damn time and now he cuddles up and exposes his tummy because I make him feel understood, loved and safe. He NEVER purred or meowed (why would he need to meow when he didnt speak to humans?) but now he does. He lives on the streets of a neighbourhood with rough folk. He used to draw blood and go rabid on my arms. But I was patient and showed him that I understood his reasons but that he was safe with me and had no need to strike out. I never pushed his boundaries let alone doing it multiple times (the rl angel I know is fucking skilled at pushing cat’s boundaries and wonders why they all huddle up to me and avoid her lol). Husk is an unavailable man. Romantic/Sexual love does NOT heal his wounds. But thats the only thought fans and the team have given on his side. He needs love to ‘fix’ him. The WORST reason to get with someone. Theyre not a project and you arent a fucking miracle worker. Treat them as an equal. He needs a good friend. JUST a friend. Like Big, he needs patience, trust, understanding, and extensive help (arguably more intense than Angel’s). He needs to love himself a bit more FIRST. Someone who respects his boundaries INSTANTLY. Someone relatable and similar, open to love not just sex and not as troubled (if they are, they need to handle it way better, healthily and overall be in a good mindspace). Viv can ship whatever the fuck tickles her fancy, but once your passion project becomes public and funded, you have set responsibilities on how to address and handle sensitive issues as well as having to accept criticism. If Husk goes sober in the name of love (ESPECIALLY with the guy not respecting his boundaries and sexually harassing him), then it’s a fucking INSULT to alcoholics.  I know a few rl Husks but there’s one that anyone who knows me enough knows the man I hold closest to my heart was an alcoholic and spitting of Husk. That’s why Husk’s character means so much to me. But there’s only 2 here who know a bit more of this man. This is something Id hoped to not share so soon, nor as messy. And Im already getting waterworks because this is FAR from easy. I guess Husk became the very thing *I* needed in order to face this. This man was my grandfather. WAS. I cant even fucking accept that. I was a fucking child. I feel stupid being so open about this over some stupid cartoon but it just shows the real life effects this has on REAL fucking people. This man was old and lonely. Always at the pubs. He taught me card games, card tricks and card magic as well as one of his own sons dealing with a gambling addiction. I feel so fucking stupid crying about this- I dont want to open up but its the only way I feel I can get people to understand my side in all of this. This man was a fucking MESS. A closed off, lonely, grumpy old bastard. He lost his love because of his alcohol addiction and never found love again. Never got over that woman. (Shes still kicking and we’re close - im keeping some things under wraps between them as its not my place). Gave up on life and love. Worked hard at his fixation on cards and puzzles, as well as crass jokes and knowledge. But he was very lazy otherwise. Bitter and angry. And you know what? He was my world. I love this man with every fiber of my being because he was the first person to love and accept me for me. He treated me as an equal and helped me grow as a person. In fact... He was only ever happy around us kids. He had hope again. Protected me. He used to hate gays and blacks and you know what? He taught HIMSELF as to why that was shitty thinking. He taught ME about differences in people and to accept it. He taught me that you dont always have to understand to accept. He taught me poker and... swears admittedly. He was a beautiful soul that was broken inside. He needed to love himself. But you know what actually fucking happened? You know what I watched as a kid? I watched as he smoked until every morning he woke throwing up phlegm just to BREATHE. I watched as sometimes the light in his eyes died and through smoke breaks and early drinking how he’d sometimes slip and show me his pain. And we’d have deep talks about it and the world and everything. How alcohol ruined his life yet he craved it. His scent. I remember arguments I wasnt supposed to overhear and growing up seeing him fucking DIE slowly in a hospital bed. The man he was ended up as a fucking husk. His skin was bloated and purple, he was half machine on how much shit he was hooked up to. How he was barely a man at all. He was dying of cancer and he fucking knew and never told us. His cancer meds gave him horrid hallucinations. And I practically spent most of my time in that hospital because TWO people had cancer. Two stunning people had fucking stupid bastard cancer. He was a fuck up. He was flawed to shit. But seeing glimpses of the real him was a fucking ethereal experience. He made me feel like a PERSON. And all we could do in the end was watch him just die. He WANTED to die and you could see it but hed only eat around us to fake fight out of his own hubris and not wanting to let us down. That year, I watched 2 of the only people who ever gave a shit about me die the most dishonourable deaths God could have gave them. Years prior I watched his son gamble EVERYTHING away - his lover, his house, his everything. Hes a moderate gambler now with a partner who never had a history of any addiction. She helps keep him in line as he helps her. But most nights I fucking dream of this shit. I cant even think about my hero because I fucking weep. I still have nightmares. Im still up thinking how I could have saved him from himself when it’s him who was the only one able to. I have to live my life with those memories and I was just a kid. Im a full woman and Im still haunted by it. Even that year is blasphemy and I fucking hate it. I want to take him in my arms, hold him and tell him he’s enough. That its ok and he can get through this. Anything that reminds me of him, I love because I know the other side. The real side. The side not tethered to vices. When I see people like that, I pray they see themselves like that too and I want to help them see it. Tell them that they can live again. It’s better than fucking decaying in a hospital bed. That when people make this sorta shit into a cute quirk it’s not. And it’s dickheads like me who have actually seen it play in the real world to REAL people they love. They arent a fucking accessory to fix for your own narrative. They arent a fuckin performing monkey. At least with Rick and Morty it’s kinda humorous and never played for some shitty toxic ship to appeal to everyone who’s never had to face that shit themselves. And Im like my old man but with more hope and no addiction. I drink and I gamble but I’ll never let myself get that low. Because I honour him but Im not as fucking saft. I wont allow it even though it’s a fucking battle. Those addictions are in the blood. My family history. Its always been so fucking normal. I’ll never knock someone for an addiction or try to preach them out of it because theres often pain fueling it, but I’d never encourage it or toxic faux cures and stupid romance promises as some bullshit MLM remedy either. I KNOW it’s fiction but I want people to see the real side. I want VIV to see the real side. Id willingly for FREE fucking sing that shit if it meant spreading a good message. Because this is fucking hell. FIXING IT: The ship’s basis is too set in stone now - too familiar to change. Best is to never let it be canon. Because you know what else it teaches? That rOmAnCe cures all. Not therapy. Not rehab. Not any REAL work. Just fuck and date it all away as if it’s that easy. It’s a mockery! I tried to be professional about this but when the media bombards this shit constantly, the has the AUDACITY to play like it’s giving a good message is salt to the wounds. A kiss with a fist. An old man dont care for the petty teen drama that Angel and Cherri (even fuckin Al) thrive on. Want this to send a good message still? Angel hates rejection and thinks everyone wants him. Have Husk reject him. Especially because no one should go out with someone whos sexually harassed them there. Been there, done that got the fuckin tshirt. Have Husk reject Angel the way Gravity Falls has Wendy reject Dipper. It helped Dipper move on and mature, and this is what Angel needs for growth and to be more humble.  Husk would be a fucking excellent mentor to Angel, a friend and protector, someone who shows him the ropes like Grunkle Stan like a grandfather figure. To not fall for his mistakes. Husk would be a better expert than any of them plus it balances the power dynamtic. It’s healthy and realistic. Touches the topic with the sensitivity it needs. Not everything needs a ship or romance. Wounds healed that way dont stay healed long. Angel seems more fitting as a son like figure, and he can play that dad like role for him. And if any of the team EVER saw this, fucking take this idea. Its YOURS. FREE. FOREVER. If we wanna play this NDA but still reblog some of the story telling arts and have some of our team indulge in it. I wont sue. Fucking TAKE IT if it means doing this shit right because Spindlehorse have beautifully triggered so many different people and their different traumas to please teenagers sexual fantasies, their own kinks and for a jolly good joke.  This is a bastard long read and Ive had to face the traumas again but if good can come from it then I’ll GLADLY dance this duet again. Stans, Antis, dont even TEMPT interaction. You arent brave sending suicide threats behind a screen, youre a coward and a waste of oxygen. I WANT Hazbin and Helluva to succeed. I want Viv and her crew to do well. Trust me, I wouldnt waste my time if I didnt give a shit. Viv is fucking gifted and its being wasted if it’s not at her full potential for the approval of a rabid army of kids and immature adults who dont know any better (stans and antis). I know she would like a good and decent fanbase. Stans and antis arent it. Tagging you folks because it’s long but yall actually helped me have the courage to open my trap to this. Screenshots are coming later though all of what Ive said is easily sourced. But this has been days, Im sick, im tired, ive been upset facing my own traumas. If any tags wanna help then by all means but otherwise. @honesthazbinarchives, @siaesnow​ (also added age still bc despite the lack of physical aging, theres also the mental aspect and experiences as well as power dynamics side to it, in case youre wondering), @noirellearts, @enchantedchocolatebars​, @galemalio​ (thank you for letting me weep like a bitch), @angel-blitz​, @critical-hazbin​, @what-the-hazbin​, @hazboobhotel​, @pineapple-critiques-stuff​, @devils-advocutie​, SORRY AGAIN FOR BEING A LIL BITCH FOLKS, I feel awkward like my teen years but yeah- fuck it Im old and imma rot soon anyways. If this experience can help then Ill be glad.

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

from an anon, about parents and school

(it's just long, that's why it's under a break XD)

here's my proposition: make parents understand that not every child should conform to whatever traditional career paths that exist. as an asian, i could feel the pressure to take science like a fucking boulder on my body. i have to rant a bit.

i am the younger sibling, my brother is two years elder to me. i was never instilled any curiosity in anything science related, i was kinda left all by myself lol. my brother tho, maybe because he was older or because he was a guy (yeah LMFAO), was encouraged AND involved in a LOT of coding, mechanix (its a construct-ur-own-stuff thing).

i guess i never really noticed until i was leaving middle school, that i was not as smart as him, and would probably never be. but i had other strengths he didnt have. i love writing, im pretty good at it. i am analytical and subejctive, i like thinking and making conclusions about things. i mean i guess i've figured out what i could be better at, right? but the problem?

its that my parents dont see it. its as if they dont know me or they DO know me and are just forcing the things they need onto me. it feels selfish of them to completely forgo my actual strengths. like YES OK i UNDERSTAND i can never be as smart as my brother, but u dont have to pretend like i can. because pretending that i can achieve whatever he has, is just going to affect YOU. because i have accepted long ago that some things arent for me.

they think i dont want to put effort into anything i do. that im lazy and want the easy way out. god, every time they say this i want to honestly show them that its the things IM interested in, where i put in the work. its so belittling.

ive written articles abt bts, their music, about how carl jungs theory of archetypes and i occasionally ask a lot of questions about the world to you (hi lol). i just dont get why they want me to waste energy on something im clearly uninterested in.

short answer, point to BTS and say, "They're Asian, they make tons of money. Leave me alone."

just kidding XD

If I'm being serious, I don't think they will change their mind. They will continue to force their ideals onto you, because they believe in certain career paths had assured success and that is what they are after. They either want you to make a certain amount of money, have a certain status in life, or simply know that you can obtain a stable job. To be honest, these are not really traditional career paths at all if you think about it. Becoming a doctor takes many, many years and it is hard ass work. Parents just make it seem as if these are the only jobs available to you, even if you know it's not true.

Men vs women in Asian countries, well, I feel everyone knows this, but many Asian parents born in their respective countries put more effort into their sons than daughters. Firstborn son? He probably walks on water to them XD

I understand what you mean when you say your parents do not understand. This might sound egotistical (it does now that I'm writing it, I am very sorry) but I was the one in my family who got the best grades. None of my siblings got better grades than me (basically I had a 4.0 from middle school to university), and do you think with all that I would be immune?

Nope.

I am good at the sciences and I am good at the humanities as well. I had an interest in reading, writing, and drawing. Reading fiction, I could pass it off to educate myself. Writing? I could pass it off as something for school. But drawing?

Woo, boy.

This was a constant fight. I do not back down (a rebel, wcyd) and I drew and it would get ripped apart. I drew and it would get torn up and thrown away. I drew and and would be beaten, yelled at, constantly belittled for my interest in it even though I was good at the sciences and math. To my mom (my dad doesn't count, he had zero interest in parenting) - if she did not think it was going to make money in the future, it was useless. If I could not spin it into profit, I should not be doing it (very fun childhood I had, yes). The most ironic thing is, after I became an adult, she suggested I start drawing again and sell it to make money.

Hello?

You literally forced me to stop drawing because you constantly connected it with negativity???

(not now, I have since stopped talking to her and started drawing again and it is purely for myself, not to show anyone else, I do not even post it on social media or show anyone irl)

Not saying your parents will act like mine, btw, only sharing my experience.

The idea that you'll never be as smart as your brother? That's bullshit lol. That's like saying intelligence is only valuable if it's science or math, which, as you know, is not true. You are you. He is himself. It is not you cannot do those things. It is that those things are not what you want to focus on. You have a limited amount of time in this life and you have chosen the things you want to delve into and explore.

You don't have to be good at everything. Everything is just not good enough for you.

I am of the mindset that you should try and learn everything you can about this world. I love learning, personally. I think knowing everything I know, from the humanities to the sciences, enriches my life and gives me a broader perspective.

But I totally understand how you feel, because being pushed into something makes you end up hating it. Parents push their kids to learn this or that and kids end up resenting schoolwork because it doesn't feel like something they wanna do anymore. It's just adults yapping in their ears and it feels pointless. Grades aren't everything. You think anyone cares that I aced Physics with Calculus I and II as an adult? LMAO, no one gives a shit. You passed, good enough XD

Here's how I think you should treat school. It's not the content that matters. It's you understanding how you learn each subject. Every subject is different and how you learn them is different. It is not because you are bad at the subject, it is because you haven't figured out the best learning style for you. Teachers have to teach a mass of students and, yes, I understand this seems very tedious to have to "teach yourself".

The skill in learning to learn becomes so, so valuable as an adult. It is how you maintain interest in things, how you develop new interests, and how will come to find meaning (in whatever you want to focus on finding meaning for). I'm not saying that you will be able to find your perfect learning style in every subject, but I am encouraging you to simply see it in that light.

And, you might find certain things to be not that important to you, in which case, just pass the class, it's totally fine if it's not going to help you for the career path you're going for XD Nobody asks me about the themes of William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" (tbh, a pair of overdramatic loons) or how I feel about Sigmund Freud (actually a twat, but that's neither here nor there).

Let them talk. That one that walks your path is you. Focus on what you want to focus on. They are set in their ways and they way to show them there are different paths is to walk them.

[bettsfic]

socknography: the importance of preserving fan creator biographical data

i wrote earlier on utilizing collections and bookmarks to boost the archival power of ao3, and in that post mentioned how i wish authors would fill out their bios so we can preserve fanauthor information as well as we preserve the fics themselves. so, here is my rant about WHY WE ARE SO IMPORTANT.

for my masters thesis i wrote about the layered pseudonymity of fanfiction authors, and after doing a ton of research, i find myself still thinking of the pseudonymous/anonymous divide as it pertains to fic. we have authors we consider “famous” and ones whose followings eclipse that of traditionally published authors, but unlike traditionally published authors, we don’t put a handy bio at the end of our fics. in fact, if you want to find out about the author, you have to hope they’ve linked somewhere to their tumblr or twitter or dreamwidth, or they have consistent pseuds across platforms. and from there, you have to hope they have an ‘about me.’ but most, myself included, don’t.

unlike traditional publication -- where amazon and goodreads and even the back of the book contains biographical info -- and even unlike the rest of fandom archival etiquette -- which, despite having virtually no committed rules still maintains its organizational structure -- there is no standard etiquette on fanauthor biographical data. 

i speculate the reasons fanauthors are hesitant to write their own biographies is very complicated: 

there is no “ask” for it or existing standard. when i publish stories under my real name, i’m required to provide my bio, which contains my accomplishments, where i got my degree, where else i’m published, and my website. all literary author bios follow this formula, so they’re pretty easy to write. other than this post, i have never seen a request for fanauthor bios. so without an editor demanding it, and without a standard formula or platform to draw from, a total lack of information becomes the norm, and almost any info other than the standard “name. age. pronouns. ao3 name. list of fandoms and/or pithy one-liner” of tumblr or occasional ask game is seen as a deviation from the norm. even ask games get a bad rep sometimes, and they’re transitory, a post you see as you’re scrolling through to somewhere else, not static, like a dedicated profile page.

pseudonymity veers too close to anonymity. an anonymous author cannot have a biography. a pseudonymous author can, but biographies may be seen as defeating the purpose of writing under a pseudonym, or multiple pseuds. a sock account is a sock for a reason -- you don’t want it associated with your main. moreover, i believe fandom creates an environment in which to acknowledge your accomplishments and promote your own content is seen as narcissistic. fanfiction can sometimes be seen as a genre of selflessness, donating time and energy into a community centered around a shared canon, not personal gain. to acknowledge the self publicly is to invite attention, and attention is contradictory to anonymity.

shame and humility. the more information you have on the internet, the easier you are to find. very few fanauthors use their real names, or feel comfortable connecting their fan identity to their real one. i hear pretty constantly how often fanauthors hide their fannishness from their coworkers and loved ones, how only the people closest to them know they write/read fanfic. moreover, you might think “my most popular fic only has 10 kudos and 1 comment, nobody wants to know about me” (which is so not true, but i’ll get to that in a minute).

fandom is constantly changing. with a central archive for fanfiction in place, it’s easier now to be in multiple fandoms at once than it ever has been. if you want to read all sugar daddy fics, there’s a tag for that, and if you’re not picky about canon, you have an entire buffet of fandoms to choose from. communities are growing and shifting and changing shape. i move fandoms, and i keep my friends and readers from previous fandoms. i get dragged to new fandoms frequently. my interests and inspirations change, but i don’t erase my history or identity every time i move, i only add to it. i am always betts whether i’m in star wars or the 100 or game of thrones. but if you only read my fic, you don’t know the stories behind it. many people don’t know i entered fandom in the brony convention community in 2012, or that i was sadrobots before i was betty days before i was betts, or how fandom changed my life and led me through a path of personal trauma recovery, or that i co-founded wayward daughters, or ran the fanauthor workshop, or all these other things about fanfic that is not fanfic itself. 

if you are a fan creator, your fannish personal narrative matters. telling your story helps preserve the metatextual history of our genre.

i think constantly about what our genre will look like in 30 or 50 years, if it will be like other genres that began as subversions of the mainstream: comic books, beat literature, science fiction. genres that, at the time involved groups of friends creating stories for each other, bouncing ideas off of one another, experimenting with or distorting other genres, and which became, over time, well-regarded forms with rich histories. 

maybe one day, like the MCU, we’ll have a dedicated production company that churns out adaptations of longform coffee shop aus written between 2009 and 2015. maybe “BNFs” will be read in high school literature curriculums. maybe our work will end up on the real or virtual shelves of our great grandchildren. and if that happens, if fanfic goes entirely mainstream, how will fanfic authorship be perceived? how will fanpeople in 2080, if humanity is still around by then, interact with the lexicon we’ve created and preserved? what would you do if you found out Jane Austen wrote under five different sock accounts across three platforms over the span of twenty years? how would you, a fan of Pride & Prejudice, even begin to find all of her work?

we have so many social constraints pushing against us. there’s purity culture, which encourages further division of identity -- fanauthors may write fluff on their main and have various sock accounts for underage/noncon fics. if you’re a scarecrow, you’re much harder for a mob to attack. there’s misogyny, which dictates women/queer ppl shouldn’t be writing about or indulging in or exploring their sexuality at all. there’s intellectual property and a history of DMCAs, which, although kept at bay by the OTW, may still have influence on the “illegal” mentality of our work. with social armies against us, it’s easier to exist in the shadows, on the fringe. we change URLs based on our moving interests, and split our identities a million different ways, and keep sarcastic “me” tags full of self-deprecating text posts. we are difficult beasts to catch, because we have not been allowed to exist.

i spent a lot of time today googling the word for “pseudonymous biography” and came up empty-handed (if someone knows of an existing word, pls let me know. “pseudography” is apparently a fancy word for a typo; “pseudobiography” is a fake biography), so for lack of anything better, i’ve come up with the term “socknography” because 1) it’s funny and doesn’t sound intimidating, and 2) it encapsulates the sensitive and complicated way fanauthor identifying conventions work. and also i think “fanauthor biography,” “bibliography,” and “profile” just doesn’t cut it for the actual work of these pieces. they don’t necessarily include IRL biographical data, they include more historical/community context than a bibliography, and the words “profile” and “about me” don’t really inspire interaction, or acknowledge the archival importance of this work.

astolat’s fanlore page is my go-to example. astolat writes under multiple pseuds and has major influence in the history of fandom. she’s also a traditionally published author, but you notice, her ofic novels are not mentioned, nor any other real-life identifying information. fanlore has a really good policy on this in place, for those concerned about doxxing. 

(moreover, i am not suggesting you centralize your socks. they’re socks for a reason. but most everyone has a main, and that main identity has a story.)

there are 2 existing spaces to preserve socknographies. 

fanlore, a wiki owned by the OTW, you can make an account and create a user page (which is different than a “person” page) using a user profile template

ao3′s “profile” page, which is a big blank box in which anything goes

(i’m not including tumblr on this list because i don’t think it’s a stable platform.) 

fanlore’s template is straight to the point and minimal, which doesn’t really invite narrative the same way a literary bio would. ao3′s big blank box leaves us with the question -- wtf do i say about myself? how do i say it? how much is too much? and because of that, most profiles are either blank or only include a policy on translations/podfic/fanart, and maybe links to tumblr and twitter. but let me tell you, if i have read your fic and taken the time to move over to your profile, you better believe i am a fan. and as a fan, i want to Know Things.

here are the things i want to know, or

a potential template:

introduction (name/alias, age, location, pronouns, occupation)

accomplishments (degrees, personal history)

fan history (fandoms you’ve been in, timeline as a fan, how you were introduced to fandom/fanfiction, what does fandom mean to you -- this is where your fan narrative goes)

fandom participation (popular fics/posts, involvement in fan events/communities, side blogs, interviews, etc. 3 & 4 might be one and the same for you)

spotlight (which of your fics are most important to you/would you like others to read and why? what are the stories behind your favorite fics you’ve written?)

find me elsewhere* (links to tumblr, twitter, insta, etc.)

policies on fanart, fanfic of fic, podfics, and translations

*you cannot link to ko-fi, paypal, patreon, or amazon on ao3/fanlore per the non-commercial terms of service

i’ll be working on filling this out for my own profile as an example, but you can also see how my @fanauthorworkshop participants filled out their fanauthor spotlights, and the information they provided. obviously, you should only share that which you feel comfortable sharing, and as your fandom life changes, your narrative will change too. it’s not much different than updating a CV or resume.

tl;dr the goal is to provide a self-narrative of your fan life/identity for posterity. who are you and why are you a fanperson? why do you create fan content? what are you proud of and what do you want to highlight to others? who are you in this space?

[starlitq]

hello peaches ! ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ this is tia and i’m bringing my baby celeste, a sleepy museum guide who is too passionate about stargazing & constellations. while i’m still crying over not being able to buy new horizons because i’m too broke to buy a nintendo switch, i’ll trying to keep this short. but watch me fail, because very much like resetti , i don’t know how to stop talking. ( i cheated and didn’t put her personality here but on her about page, so it this post will look shorter- )

if you are interested in plotting please LIKE this post and i’ll run to your IMs and beg for plots (ΦωΦ) . also, please never hesitate to shoot me a message to plot because i’d love to write with all of you ! ʕ￫ᴥ￩ʔ

✿ kim jisoo, cis female, she/her ✿ welcome to lunova CELESTE CHO, your happy little town awaits. you’ve been in town TWO YEARS? wow going taking a chance on a new town at TWENTY FOUR ? I heard you were going to try to be a GUIDE at THE MUSEUM. good for you, I’m sure being SYMPATHETIC & SELF RELIANT will help. careful you’re not to DEFENSIVE & MELANCHOLIC. good luck! 

✿ like many others, celeste haven’t always dreamed of becoming what she’d be today. however, since she was a child she loved gazing at the stars and sky, imagining what it would be like to be up there. 

✿ celeste had always been a curious and  social child. she loved to make friends and it seemed like people also liked to talk to her. her life was pretty uneventful to this point, if not it could’ve been described as perfect. while things definetely didn’t come easy to her, she worked hard enough for it so she’d eventually get to them.

✿ one of these things were her dreaming of becoming a pilot. for her it was the only way to satisfy to her desire to travel the world as well as to be as close to the sky as possible. 

✿ of course she knew it wouldn’t be easy and money was certainly needed to invest in her dream. she tried to save up a small amount and with her mother being supportive of her daughter’s dream she tried to help her daughter as much as possible, not only financially but also mentally. 

✿ celeste did feel bad about her mother spending all her money on her daughter’s training. thus, she worked even harder so she could repay her mother.

✿ yet, hard work would never make up for the thing that would twist her plans in such unexpected ways. something celeste had never dreamed of happening. her mother had been diagnosed with alzheimer and as time passed it got to the point where her mothr could barely do anything on her own. 

✿ it was not only the money that she needed for her care but time, time celeste didn’t have with her being so busy to achieve her dream. yet, she couldn’t bear to leave her mother alone and she quit her training to take care of her mother. 

✿ as their financial situation didn’t become better, they also moved to a smaller place located in lunova. there she also picked up her job as a guide in the museum. it wasn’t the worst situation for her. it was another way to be close to the sky.

wanted connections:

✿  best friends: y/m and celeste might have known each other since childhood or they just recently met and instantly felt the connection. despite of celeste, keeping most things to herself, y/m is someone she trusts and even shares her struggles with. to make it short, i just want a wholesome friendship with wholesome and cute moments, like random camping trips, stupid fights or sharing their struggles and ending up crying RIP

✿ star gazing buddies: your muse might be a frequent visitor at the museum and met celeste there. maybe they’ve always been interested in star gazing, constellations etc. or they just like talking to celeste and decided to visit her more often or after her work so they can go star gazing together.

✿ unwanted help: maybe this person always sees her dozing off and is worried about her. they might or might know about her mother’s situation and feel bad for her or they just think she might suffer some illness that might cause her to feel weak and therefore she dozes off. however, everytime they try to help celeste refuses their help. at first, celeste is polite btu after some time she is getting annoyed and might even snap at y/m. y/m is wondering why she’s only mean to y/m when she’s actually known to be a really nice person. maybe, they’ll become friends later or their relationship only becomes worse.

✿ exes : celeste and y/m were in a happy relationship. but when her mother was diagnosed their relationship slowly deteriorated, where she was suddenly becoming more irriated or would always cancel their dates. to make the matter worst, celeste never told your muse about her mother and why she was acting that way. as that wasn’t bad as it is, celeste also didn’t tell y/m she would move to another place and just disappeared with a) only breaking up with y/m via text b) just ghosted on your muse c) anything else we can plot.  

 ✿ unrequited love (doesn't matter if it’s your muse or celeste bcs i just love one sided love PLOTS and suffering :’) ):  IT CAN BE ANYTHING, maybe y/m has a one sided love on celeste and everytime they confess to her she just tries come up with a bad excuse bcs she doesn’t want to hurt y/m. or maybe they’ve been friends for a while and celeste just doesn’t want to risk their friendship because it’s one of the few stable things in her life. or celeste could have a crush on y/m but doesn’t tell them but it’s very obvious. 

✿ pen pals/online friends: maybe both of them have known each other for a long time but have never seen each other. it’s this weird relationship, where both of them know each other’s secrets because they felt comfortable sharing it only via text. yet, they’d feel awkward if they said these thigns to each other irl. BONUS point: one of them knows how the other looks like and they see the other in lunova but are too scared to talk to the other.

✿ ANYTHING, enemies, bickering friends, sibling type relationship, exes on bad/good terms, bad influence, good influence etc. 

i’m brain dead right now, so i can’t come up with more atm. BUT if you have other plots pls don’t hesitate to tell me because i’m absolutely open for everything sjndmds

[shaanks]

So I was getting ready for school today, idly thinking about how to explain privilege and equity to obtuse republican morons who pretend they’ve never heard of the former and think the latter is communism, and this is what I’ve arrived at. Feel free to share with the obtuse republican morons in your life:

Say you’re renting an apartment with three other people, who just so happen to be MBA basketball players. The shortest one of the bunch (outside of yourself) is 6′11″, the next is 7′4″, and the tallest one is 7′7″. For the purposes of this example, lets say the shortest of your roommates is a full foot taller than you. Now, in your own IRL household, things are probably arranged so you can reach them, right? The dishes are on shelves you can reach, the bookshelves are accessible, the things in your shower are where you can get to them, your belongings in general are arranged so they’re compatible with your stature, yes? 

Not so in this house. You come home one day to find that your roommates have totally transformed the house. The dishes  are all on shelves a good foot and a half over your head, the fridge is on a stand that puts the bottom of it at your waist and the food on the top shelf out of reach, the showers have all been affixed with stilted shelves so that the soap is much higher than you would feel safe reaching to, etc. In short (haha) the house where you live has been made very inaccessible and in some ways unsafe for you to live in.

So you think, okay. I’ll talk to them about it, see if there’s some compromise to be had here. When you bring up to them that you, as a person who lives in the house, no longer have access to a lot of the basic necessities and functions IN your house, they balk at you.

“I can reach everything just fine,” says one of them dismissively. The others nod in agreement. 

“Have you even tried reaching for things on your own?” the second asks.

“Just what the FUCK is wrong with having things where I can reach them???? This is what makes ME comfortable and it really seems to me like you want me to give up my safety and prioritize yours. :/”

You argue that you’re not trying to make them feel unsafe or uncomfortable, you just also want to be able to participate in the amenities of the house you live in and are helping to pay for. 

“Well why are your needs the only ones that are important? Shouldn’t ALL our needs matter?” One of them asks, disgruntled and angry. 

“All of our needs DO matter, the problem is that right now the ENTIRE HOUSE is only designed to facilitate YOURS.” 

The argument makes no headway. Nothing you say seems to make them understand that you’re not trying to take away the taller shelves, you’d just like it if some of the things--your own things!!--were on shelves you could actually reach. 

In the end, you decide to just buy a stepladder. That’s going to make the shower an interesting adventure, but it seems to be the only option. This works well for one day, but the next day you go looking for it to get down a cereal bowl and its gone. 

“Hey, where’s my stepladder?” You call out to no one in particular. One of your roommates responds. “Oh, I converted it into a neat little side table, its the perfect height!” 

You come around the corner and explain that you needed that in order to reach things, and ask if you can have it back. Your roommate is affronted. “Why do you get something special to reach things, I don’t have anything special and what’s more, I don’t NEED it. I took it because it doesn’t make any sense, I see you pick things up all the time, this was just something you bought to be petty and now it’s actually making the house better.”

You try to explain that, again, you literally can’t reach anything in the house, and that they don’t have a “special” thing to help them reach things because they already CAN reach things, but again, it just doesn’t seem to connect. All they hear is that you’re purchasing special treatment for yourself for something that they don’t personally need any help with, and they refuse to return it even though its something you need to participate in daily house life with.

In desperation, you ask another tall friend to come home with you sometimes and get things down off shelves for you. For some reason, this makes your roommates absolutely furious.

“Why are you letting someone else use things in this house when they don’t live here??” “This is theft!!! You don’t even need help, you’re just trying to scam us out of our dishes!!!!!!!!” “Why do you have to keep making such a fuss, this house is so comfortable and easy to live in!!!!!!! You’re bothering me by constantly bringing this up and making it an issue!!!!! If you keep bringing your little “aid” friend here, we’re going to kick you out!!!!!!!” 

You don’t have enough money to move out anywhere else, nor the time to search for other roommates. You’re trapped. You have no choice but to stop getting aid from outside sources. You’re climbing on counters trying to get the basic necessities that you need, which hurts your knees and is tiresome, all while your tall roommates, who have no issues using the house safely, berate you for being lazy, for making up problems, and for bothering them with your lack of ability to reach things.

THAT’S what privilege is. Privilege is living in a world that is built to cater to your needs.

“All lives matter!!!!” yes, they do!!! the problem is, only SOME lives are being treasured and prioritized and protected right now, and the ones being cared for are constantly throwing literally everyone else under the bus, either because they don’t personally face discrimination, or because they think other people wanting to be safe means THEY won’t personally be safe anymore.

“Why do YOU get a special parking space, I want one of those!! You’re going into the store, clearly you can walk!!” Well, you have a special parking space if you’re not handicapped, its literally the entire rest of the parking lot. Many people who are disabled can do things you can do in short bursts, but to do so for a prolonged time would be incredibly harmful to them. They need that so that they can participate in the store the same way you can. Nobody but you parks in those spots just to give the finger to people who have to walk farther. 

“You’re just using food stamps/housing vouchers/other forms of financial aid because you’re lazy!!! Those are taxpayer dollars going to your laziness, that’s theft!!!! You’re just trying to fraud the system!!!!!!!” 0.0009% of people on income assistance were found to be fraudulent cases last year. People who are disabled, who are mentally ill, who are currently unemployed, who are single parents trying to care for their families, people who aren’t straight white cis men, face a TON of issues coming up with the money necessary to live a stable and safe life. The fact that you do NOT face those types of issues does not mean they don’t exist. It’s not that you worked hard and they didn’t. Its that they’re working EQUALLY as hard as you with severely limited opportunities, or they are physically UNABLE to do the same work as you. Being able to do/find work =/= right to live. You shouldn’t have to prove yourself to be profitable to deserve to eat.

People are born with certain privileges based on their race, their gender, their sexuality, their family’s history of wealth, and like...its not a good or bad trait simply to have privilege, it’s just a thing that exists. I’m 5′6″, I have hazel eyes, I have white privilege because...I’m white. Being part of a privileged group doesn’t make you a bad person, but refusing to see the issues that others are facing because you don’t personally experience them, and eschewing all evidence that negates your personal world view does.  

Stating that we live in a world that was built by and caters to rich, christian, cis straight white men is not a political statement. It’s just a fact. Saying that people deserve to be able to eat, to have the medicines they need to live, to have access to the types of aid they need to function in our society is not a political statement. Its not “the snowflake SJWs coming for our freedom” it’s just other human beings who are not you that would like to be able to live in the house too. 

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[looped-lepus]

Today has certainly been...something. Like nothing big has happened as far as my external environment, but more of what’s been happening to me.

I’ve considered venting to my closest friends, but today I felt like I just..couldn’t. I’ve been venting to them for he same exact things and I feel like there hasn’t been any change. Along with that the lingering feeling of being a burden to any of them has been creeping once more. It could have been anything, my anxiety made me so antsy that doing something basic got me in tears.

Back up to some information just to clarify with myself. I was a graduate student who wanted to study School Counseling. It was one of the most broadest counseling field where I could potentially be a Career and Identity Counselor. After I graduated college, I didn’t get accepted and took a year off to work at a school. It made me stronger, let my confidence grow, and gave me a taste of what life is like without school. It was both fantastic yet still scarring considering that my work with these kids mainly involved them biting, spitting, hitting, and verbally abusing me. It made me stronger. I applied once more, and they finally accepted me. Last year, I spent three semesters loving the courses, loving the professors, loving everything about it except when it came to the labs. These labs were basically times where we practiced our new counseling skills on each other. No role playing, but rather being real to contribute to additional growth as counselors. After all, we can’t have a counselor shut down in front of a patient, client, or student. 

In these labs, I saw myself crack and crumble under the pressure. I was constantly stressed, I froze when I practiced leading as a counselor, and my emotions kept flooding. I didn’t know why until it came to my attention that, first- I was potentially molested and was prone to disassociate. It made sense since I have a hard time remembering things and I am very forgetful. On top of that I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life that I potentially made myself forget. Once that semester was over, and I went on to the next part of labs, I came to find out that I lived in a toxic household, especially with my parents. 

I fell into a deep depression and I was so broken down that I lost all purpose of anything. The hobbies that I would have fun with like video games weren’t fun anymore. Whenever I would write or draw, I would become so anxious that I would have a panic attack. The friends that I had made strong bonds with were weakening because I persisted in isolating myself. Yet, despite wanting to end my life and all of it, I couldn’t. I couldn’t end myself because I was afraid of death. 

I’m afraid of death and dying, and yet I’m scared of living because I couldn’t and still can’t function. 

My professors noticed this and suggested that I take a year off to find myself. And so I did. I’ve made a whole plan on what I’m going to do this whole year, and yet it’s only been 2 weeks since my finals ended and I’m feeling more lost than ever. 

Which brings me to today...or I guess yesterday-all of yesterday. 

I was anxious all day, and I think I made a friend of mine very agitated with me for cancelling plans last minute. I felt horrible because I never did that, and I know they were sensitive to it too. On top of that I felt horrible because here they were my only close irl friend, and I hurt them. I resolved to draw something for them, but in doing so drove me to sheer panic and antsy-ness. I couldn’t stop shaking as I drew, but I needed to do it. 

The picture turned out better than expected, but I had to step out and go to the store to clear my head. Immediately when I was driving, I broke down and almost had a panic attack. When I arrived at the store, I just stayed in my car and cry. 

But I had to pull through. 

I am a 25 year old person who’s capable of so many things..and yet I still can’t function. A quarter of my life, and I still struggle with connecting with people, building myself up, and building boundaries against my parents. 

My therapist the other day stated a lot of deep things about me as well, and we talked about how my mother morphs into my dad when he’s around, and both of them equally make me feel like a child. And while that’s great, but my therapist and I have been stating this for awhile with each other, but I’m not reaching any conclusions within myself. As a counselor-in-training and a psychology major, I am prone to overthink because I’m aware of myself and others. A part of that is realizing that I’m not getting better for just stating the obvious toxicity in my environment. 

What got me the most out of that session, though, was coming to the realization that despite my yearning to become a writer or editor growing up, I had squandered that chance because I took in what my parents said. They said it wasn’t realistic. It wouldn’t get me a good, stable job. While they stated that I was a good storyteller, it wasn’t good to rely on such fantasies. And so, I looked into the field of psychology and counseling. Both of which I loved, but each time someone would ask about my passions, I would always answer ‘writing’. Each time, I would bring myself further into doubt considering how scared I am to actually write nowadays. My parents had stuck themselves so deeply in my head, that I have constant reminders on what’s realistic, what’s not, what I should do, what I shouldn’t do, etc. 

My therapist pointed out that in the past sessions, he didn’t know that such artistic passions were that strong in me. I replied that these stories, my characters, are the only things that I keep to myself and keep secret because I’m awful at being secretive. Those are the only things that keep me, me. Whatever’s left of me are my stories. 

Yet, with all of that in mind, I’m even more lost. I’m lost, I’m scared, and I’m constantly reminded on how a lot of people at my age are functioning adults while I’m here, crying almost every day, can’t hold a job, can’t even hold up my classes, and can’t relax to save my life. 

I can’t imagine a future like this. I can state a lot of things I want to do, experience, meet, and so forth, but the more I think about it, the more it disappears because of how I am. I’m worthless and anything that I had going for me has all made me into a door mat for my parents. 

As I’m typing this, I am also second guessing and doubting myself. What if all of this was a huge misunderstanding? I’m forgetting something, aren’t I? What if I’m wrong to even THINK about going against my parents? I need to do more for myself and what I CAN do, not them! They have nothing to do with it. 

Why am I being left behind? Why do I KEEP being left behind? WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHY? The only obstacles I have are just me. So why is it so hard? Why am I like this? 

Why do I keep hurting others? 

Hell, why do I keep hurting myself? 

I want to be better, but the fact that I’m not..would that mean I don’t? 

I don’t want to feel trapped like this forever, but I feel like my arms and legs are cut off. I can’t go anywhere without myself holding me back. I don’t want to be the victim, and all the blame should go to me. My locus of control? I should have control over myself. 

I want to be me, but I think I’m gone. 

I am lost, after all. 

I feel..so lost. I’m in pain, I hurt so much. I don’t want to be a scared kid anymore. 

I want to live, I don’t want to die. I don’t...

why can’t I be myself and trust myself and all of these words enough for these feelings of dread to go away? 

[dasaene-archive]

as a sp/so how do you form a deep connection with your friends? do you prefer to hang out in groups? how do you feel when you lose a friend? how do you deal with rejection? (sorry if this is too personal!)

It’s no problem, I don’t mind talking about it lol (in fact I think I like talking about myself too much). Not all sp/so people are the same obligatory disclaimer yadayada. Got longer than I was expecting so uh whoops

For your first question, the short answer is: I don’t. As an army brat that has moved around a lot since I was 3 yrs old, that’s probably contributed to how I became sp/so in the first place and how I lack many stable friendships. I have maybe two or three people I can say I have healthily and happily bonded with to a closer degree to in my life.

I really like being able to know things about people so I can individually cater to other personalities and experiences, but I’m really bad at returning the favor with personal information of my own. So because I believe in an equal trade of info, I generally don’t want to get personal with people because I know that since I don’t have that accurate sx radar to choose people, there’s no guarantee I’ll trust the person enough to be willing to try to push my sp boundaries for them even after they do the same for me. It’s……really bad lol

I guess that makes my definition of being close to someone is that I seek out consistent interaction with them, know most of their tastes, and continuously want to know about their life? I mean, having a deep connection to me means that I’m willing to talk about things that are bothering me, about things I consider bad about myself or events in my past, wanting to help carry the burdens of the other person, and willing to share my personal space and belongings with them, but very few have ever reached that so I consider the degree of closeness I have to my friends based on the first criteria.

Second question, I like hanging out in groups because that way I’m less likely to run out of things to talk about. I’m a bad conversation starter irl but I’m pretty good at adding onto other people’s thoughts, so that’s easier in a group situation where more people = more ideas to go around. It’s really draining though, so most of the time I prefer one-to-one. I think most variants do though. It can be pretty awkward sometimes if it’s another sx-blind I’m alone with since sx-blinds seem to be better at adding to conversations than starting them, from my experience.

Third, I’ve lost a lot of friends since I’ve moved so much, but before I got a cell phone it was really bad. I would move to one place, start some friendships that only would last a year or two at most, then move and never speak to them again. They would give me their emails or phone numbers so that I could call them from my home phone or my mom’s cell but like….it was super awkward. And most of them looked weirded out that I was a twelve year old without a cell phone. So they probably weren’t good friends anyway, but early on I had to accept that none of my friendships would last very long. I think the first friendship that sent me on my way to sx-blind city was this girl in first grade that was literally my best friend but when she moved and I wanted to call her up again since I hadn’t heard from her in two years she was like “um…hi?” So you can see how that affected my poor lonely 7 yr old self. So basically now whenever I lose a friend I feel sad but it’s usually not hard for me to accept because…that’s kind of how it’s always been my whole life

Thanks to cell phones though, now I have record-breaking friendships that have lasted a hefty five years and two moves. So that’s nice, although one of them not speaking to me after about two years of talking to me before stung, especially since we moved to the same area and I spotted them at the mall once after we had stopped talking. I think this mutual “friend” started up some drama between us that made them not want to talk to me anymore buuuuuuut that’s another story for another day. Ya know, typing this out makes me realize that was such a stereotypically teenage thing that you see in the movies

Four, idk if you mean romantic rejection or just rejection in general, but I haven’t had to deal with the first since I’m basically aroace and as of right now am not interested in that. I’ve been a pretty fortunate person and the only real threat I’ve felt when it comes to rejection involves academics. My identity got so messed up and closely tied to academic success (which is why I debated a 3 fix for a while) that in order to avoid threats to my academic prospects I became a raging perfectionist with horrible anxiety. So my version of dealing with rejection was to overpower the possibility I would ever be rejected. Do not recommend whatsoever, I’m still recovering. When it comes to friendships, when someone wants to be left alone or doesn’t want to be my friend, I don’t take it personally since I don’t generally get that close to people anyway and if I was in a bad mood/didn’t want to talk to someone I would appreciate if people left me alone too. My sp-domness makes it easy, at least in my case, to back off from people, even if I don’t always understand or like the reason

[pixelatedlenses]

Thanksgiving Thoughts

This year has been a year of extreme growth.

More than any other time in my life, I feel that I’m fully myself. I’ve gotten even more comfortable with going out alone, and regularly take myself on dates to enjoy me. I love enjoying myself, love taking care of me, and each day, I get a little bit better at it. I’m still a work in progress, but we all are: I think it’d be silly to expect one year of radical change to cement my future for a few years.

 So today, while Thanksgiving has passed in Japan but is still alive and well in the States, let me share four things I’m thankful for with you, and what they’ve done for me. It’s a long read, but something I want to share. Check below the cut for that good, good insight.

 1. Growth   I am thankful for changing myself and for growing. For becoming who I want to be regardless of what others think.  

As I said above, it has been an extreme year of growth. When I came to Japan, I was still stuck in a dream of not belonging. I regularly questioned if I should be here, and when shit hit the fan regularly, thought that I definitely should go home asap. I called my mom crying a lot in those first two months because it was just really, really hard.

It is so hard to return to a feeling of childhood: to need hands to hold, to be illiterate, to be unable to do. It felt like I was being reduced, if that makes sense. I felt so limited, both physically and emotionally: my ability to travel was contingent on timetables. While I had a more stable salary, I felt the sting of bills and remembering due dates and balancing a budget. Now, of course, I’m well accustomed and rather like my nice, neat Excel budget sheets. But last year, all of that felt like a lot of Adulting that hit all at once.

I’m certainly not literate in Japan yet, but I inch closer each day. Certainly I’m still learning how to adult too. Yet each day, life settles and I learn how to handle things better. 

As my base school’s art teacher says: “One day, one thing, one step.”

Wise words from an Art Teacher, y’all, and essential for making a good life anywhere.

 2. My family, blood and chosen

I am thankful for the people in my life, and for the love I feel while living abroad.

There’s something to be said about distance, both good and bad. The good: I connect more meaningfully and try to be better at responding to messages and being mindful of my own time. When I give, it feels good, and when I receive, it feels good in return.

 The bad: it sucks. 

Sometimes.

The time difference. The pure distance. The scheduling. Missing out on things. Excluding others from my life by accident. Not being there when I’m needed.

It can cause a fair bit of grief at times. But even in that sometimes suck, there’s a light: there’s the joy of someone who is happy to hear from me, the comfort of knowing that others are proud of me, the bliss of receiving a message on LINE or a card in the mail. Little by little it’s the little things that show me flashes of love that I have come to treasure.

It’s also knowing that I’m still necessary too.

When I left, I really struggled with feeling like everyone would move away without me. Japan still felt like I’d be in a bubble in time, a rift where I’d exist for 3-5 years, return home, and feel incredibly different because my friends would all be grown up.

The reality, of course, is that I made a choice to grow just like they do, did, and will do. That’s just life.

I don’t regret being far away from my loved ones. I don’t regret making an incredible choice for myself, and I think to think that they’ll forget me forgoes the huge amount of love I am surrounded with. Instead of thinking of what if’s, I am actively trying to live in that love and let it grow in me so that wherever I go next, I can return it tenfold and give to others.

Most of all, I want to say that I’m thankful for my mother. She is someone who pushed me to come here, and while she’s incredibly human and at times, has made me angry even in Japan, I think that at 25, I respect her and see her as a hero for very different reasons.

She’s human, and I can see that. I see that her “super-heroine strength” is not a product of wanting to be that way, but of saying, “Hell no, I’m not going to give up on life even when I really want to because I want to live and see something better because I know there’s something better.” That kind of radical kindness in the face of a lot of ugliness in her life -I’ll probably never know more than a small percent of her past, and honestly... I think that’s better for me- is really... powerful. Perhaps because I witness her continuously giving the middle finger to life, I feel similar feelings in how I deal with continuously fighting for my happiness.

She’s not perfect and I can say, with all the respect in the world, wasn’t a perfect parent, but she did in the face of despair, and as an adult, I really am thankful for her taking the brunt of life to give me a chance at hope and the chance to pass on kindness. She gave a lot for me to be able to do that. I honestly am not sure I have that in me.

I’ll never ask for perfection from anyone but myself -and even that’s fading because it’s just exhausting- but I’ll tell y’all I have a really good mother. I just hope that the kindness she poured into the world and others is given back. Certainly, as I learn how to monitor and tame how much of myself is given and taken, I’m learning not to pour or be an oasis for everyone. I want to preserve myself because I witnessed her give a lot. I think she would tell me the same: keep myself to me and give when I can, but don’t exhaust myself.

Gosh, I feel so loved right now.

Thanks fam, digital and IRL, for grounding me in that.

3. My body   I am thankful for being able to become healthier and for finding the ability to have self-love every day. I am thankful for the compliments I give my big, jiggling stomach, for the lotions and soaps I buy for my skin, and for the ability to buy clothes that make me feel even more beautiful, voluptuous, and handsome than I already believe I am.

 Weight loss aside, I have really come to love my body again. Yes, losing nearly 45 pounds certainly helped, but only because it got rid of the physical stress I had been carrying. It made me feel so bad, made living incredibly hard, and at my worst, made my body ache even when I sat. Shedding that weight was really healthy for me, and has made me feel so, so much better.

My wardrobe has increased a lot because I’ve started taking care and caring for how I look. I regularly dip into scales, buying pants that flatter my strong thighs, shirts that actually fit, and things to affirm my gender and identity. It feels good too: I come to love myself more and more each day.

I also have felt more Black being in Japan, which definitely has its ups and downs. Somedays, it’s Black in the sense of Other, but most days, it’s Black in the sense of Magical, Beautiful, Wonderous, and Free. A part of me worries how to carry this back to the States: a part of me knows, though, that I can and will maintain that pride in my sense of self.

Truly, that’s a gift.

 4. My partner, Noel   I am thankful for the love of a friend and for the love of a girlfriend. I am thankful for the value of platonic love and the value of romantic love. I am thankful for her smile, for her kindness, and for her desire to see me achieve my goals alongside her. I am thankful that our victories are celebrated by each other, and not a competition at any level of our relationship.

 Noel is a bit of a… wild card. Was, really: had I have known years ago that she was in love with me, life would have been different. In the now, it’s hard not to have the tiniest bit of regret over past relationships. I wish I would have dated her then because I think it would have been nice.

Maybe.

Honestly, not dating one of my closest friends has regret now, but a few years ago, I would have broken us up from anxiety and worry. I wouldn’t have been a good partner: I just wasn’t at that place for myself. I would have made friendship very hard because of a lot of inner turmoil, severe depression, and general spitefulness. I wasn’t in a good place two years back: I was a good person, trying to be a good person, but not a good person inside. My mental health was poor during grad school, and stress hard worn me into a hole of overeating fast food, crying often, and being a partial shut-in.

Not good at all, y’all.

I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff: I still stress to extremes, have trouble monitoring proper reactions emotionally, and dissociate from my problems at poor times. I’m also a really kind person, actively try to give hope and love, and think I am worth love, whether or not my self-love is always actualized. Yet in that, I’m dealing: I’m striving for myself and also, because there’s someone I love and that I want to kiss with the knowledge that that love is mutual. 

(Screw the notion that you must love yourself first. Sometimes, people in our lives give the love we need to start that process. Take care of you first, but let yourself receive and accept love. It’s great on any level.)

Noel loves me. She loves me. She loves my curly, natural hair. She loves my bigger body. She loves me eyes and my nose, loves the way I think, loves my writing and drawing, and love that I am me. That’s been the constant in our relationship: seven years of friendship that has been built on trying. It helps that she’s seen my ugly sides: seen me snap from stress, seen me on the ground when my father passed -bless his soul- seen me unshowered for weeks, seen me with a broken leg and many broken hearts.

That someone can accept a lot of my ugly and still tell me I’m beautiful and loved perhaps shouldn’t feel so shocking, but for me, it feels like the moment clouds pull away and my face is struck by the sun.

It’s hard to wrap her up in a few words, but I’ll say this: Noel is one of the most brilliant people I have ever fell in love with. She matches my wit, doesn’t let me half-ass things, and pushes me in the right places with my express permission. She listens to me and doesn’t mind me venting, is my shoulder when mine are laden with too much, finds me genuinely funny with my supply of puns, dad jokes, and historic fun facts, and has never made me feel like I’m a burden.

Certainly, Noel is a stunner: she has lips that looks so soft, a nose that I absolutely want to nip, eyes that sparkle a certain way when she’s up to trickery or trouble, shoulders that get all freckled up in the summer, front teeth that make my pulse jump, legs from Hokkaido to Kyuushu even though we’re roughly the same height, and hips that look like my arms were made to rest on them while she’s cooking. But Noel’s heart, her mind, her extroverted nature... that’s most what I’m in love with. 

Those are the best things to me.

I’m just thankful that it turns out she liked me exactly the same too!

So here are my gratitudes, my thanks, my blessings. I hope that anyone who reads this is just as blessed too. I hope you all have someones and somethings in your life that make you feel so important and special. We all deserve to feel that regularly in out lives. The world is too hard and mean at times: give love, accept love, and love yourself just for you without giving. Happy Thanksgiving.

[mellorad]

pt 2/2, loosely connected to last night’s post. regarding how I’ve been feeling recently, with some vague context on a few other things that happened.

I genuinely thought my life was starting to get back on track when it comes to friendships earlier this year. My social life’s always been a bit of a mess; to the point that I have become extremely insecure, wary, and pessimistic. 

And for the first time in my life... things felt like they were getting stable, like I had found comfort, great friends I could trust and... love! Without doubting or overthinking anything. I made incredible friendships at the end of 2016/beginning of 2017, and solidified others for good around that time too. I had truly amazing times throughout the year, too, hanging out with my friends, travelling around, having a great friend coming over to visit!

But... some other scattered situations throughout the year, nothing too much for the most part: a few tense conversations, with the exception of an argument with a friend like I haven’t had in years.... and while I tried my best to not let any of it get to me, it obviously did at some point, even if just slightly. As such... I started to bottle things up. Something I had stopped doing for a long time... for several reasons.

I had a massive depressive period between... March to middle of May, more or less; I can’t pinpoint it accurately. I don’t know if you noticed; I remember venting about it vaguely ocasionaly or dropping hints in the tags. It was caused because of uni stress with a particular class, the usual struggles with perfectionism and high expectations and... I don’t know, man, honestly, I still can’t figure out exactly what and why, even though I’ve thought about it a lot.

It’s... hard to explain. Before that I had been super social... and during this period, talking to my friends in my daily life was... the only thing keeping me happy. So I would hang out with my friends irl as much as I could, in and out of uni; talk to my friends out here... and I’d avoid getting home to my apartment. 

I remember the feeling too clearly, and I dreaded it at the end of the day. Because I knew, the moment I opened the door to my room, I’d feel... empty. So empty. So lonely, numb, apathetic. I kept thinking: “I can try my best to distract myself and pretend everything is fine, but at the end of the day, all I come home to is an empty room; and of all the things I can escape, I can’t escape myself.”

I tried a few times to explain this to a few people; and it was shrugged off as “ah you’ll feel better soon, it’s just your adjustment to suddenly being so social after being alone for so long”... which is understandable, but it didn’t solve any of it. 

In retrospective, I realize now; to compensate for my inner numbness, I would be overly excited, extremely vocal in my appreciation for my certain friends... in a desperate attempt to burry these feelings and make sure they knew how much they mattered to me. 

This ended up being unhealthy for me, and unhealthy for a few too... Particularly with one person, perhaps the last friend I ever wanted to... “hurt” in any way. I came on too strong for a little while, overwhelmed them with my appreciation/enthusiasm and gestures, and made things... a bit awkward between us for a bit. 

It’s... so fucking awful, how I was afraid of overwhelming them at one point; and the moment I felt like I could let go of that fear, I was careless, tactless, and I screwed things up a bit without realizing I was doing it, without meaning to. It’s so much worse making a mistake without realizing it than being aware of it, specially when I’m this acutely aware of what my flaws are, and constantly striving to improve.

I realized it soon after... and we ended up discussing it and clearing things up eventually; and for that I’m truly glad, since things seem to be... getting better, I think. I hope. There never really was any bad blood between us. But this situation haunted me for... months; at first I couldn’t deal with the regret of having made that mistake... and I felt so frustrated, so angry, so ashamed of myself (remember the times I’d mention I was frustrated with something? yeah)... it took me a while to accept things and try to move on.

It still gets me today, though, and it has for so many weeks, in a completely different way; it’s not the situation itself, but how the realization of that mistake made me (re)think and overthink every single aspect of myself, all my actions and all my flaws lately. I’ve become even more insecure, careful, introspective... I just... haven’t felt fundamentally okay with myself for a while now;  I seriously thought I was improving, I was getting somewhere as a person. Now I realize I have... so, so much to learn, but fuck, I just... want to feel alright with myself again, comfortable in my own skin, unafraid of talking to others; not so wary, or distant. I want to “be myself”, like everyone says I need to be, without overthinking things. 

All this time I haven’t been able to talk to... anyone about this last part, really; how... lost I’ve felt. It’s like the words can’t come out of my mouth: “it’s not the right time”, “I don’t want to ruin this conversation by mentioning what’s going on” “this is ridiculous, they’re fed up of listening to my depressed ass” “you’re gonna bring this up again? god you’re insufferable”.... Even when I want to message most of my friends, I feel so uneasy, and I think to myself: “they have their own life going on, and I don’t want to interfere with it” or “no, i’ll feel guilty for this, like I am bothering them”... 

So I’ve grown quiet, aloof, distant. Talking less, grinding the thoughts in my head over and over again more; thoughts I can’t discern completely sometimes, but I feel the mental exhaustion. Not posting much out here, replying very late to messages. Even if... god, I desperately want to reach out, I really do, I want to be able to do that... but I just.. can’t. I want to ask for reassurance, but my pride stops me and says I shouldn’t ask for it, reassurance should be given naturally if it’s honest. I want to talk about it, but I never managed to blurt out the words, or I end up deleting a message halfway through. It’s happened so many times by now.

But in the end... this is my problem, my very personal one to solve. I don’t want to bring anyone into this mess, it’s already enough as it i. It’s my problem, one I’ve dug myself into. I need to figure this out by myself and get out of it, no matter how long it takes. So... now you know if I’m not posting as much out here, or talking as much. It’s not that I don’t want to, quite the contrary... it’s just difficult for me to reach out. 

But... now you know. I need to work this out on my own. Things will be better eventually, in time. And... I’m sorry if any of my friends is actually reading this... it’s been way too hard to say it directly to anyone specifically. Writing this was... something I really needed... a way for me to speak into the void, to no one in particular... lay down everything in a coherent order for myself, and explain things out to those who might come across and read this by chance.

[tonethegay]

1-154

1:Full name.- Toni Rivera2:Zodiac sign.- The best sign of them all... Aries !3:3 fears.- the dark, losing my bff, and um failing4:3 things I love.my bff.. duh, video games and being a streamer/creator5:4 turn on’s.- big butt, nice smile, great humor/personality, nice boobs 6:4 turn off’s.- negativity, liars, hypocrites, and i don't know7:My best friend?- @queenfvckit8:Sexual orientation?- Gayyyyy9:My best first date?- haven't had one 10:How tall am I?- 5'6"11:What do I miss?- not a what but who.. my dad, uncle and cousin12:What time was I born?-9 something am13:Favorite color?- Green 14:Do I have a crush?- what even is that !? 15:Favorite quote?- When you've reached a certain point of your life, there are people out there waiting to see you fall,but rather than let gravity take you down, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands and fly!16:Favorite place?- My Tigers Den aka my recording and streaming area aka my bedroom 17:Favorite food?- Pizza 🍕 😋18:Do I use sarcasm?- lmfao never 19:What am I listening to right now?- The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air20:First thing I notice in new person?- Smile or eyes 21:Shoe size?- 7 in men and 8 in woman but i wear men's shoes always 22:Eye color?- Light brown23:Hair color? - brown 24: Favorite style of clothing?- comfy, stylish, men's clothes 25:Ever done a prank call?- yes 😂26:What color of underwear I’m wearing now?- black boxer briefs 27:Meaning behind my URL?- some people call me Tone and I'm gay so i combined the two28:Favorite movie?- umm this is a hard one but um either Captain America Civil War or the Fast and Furious series. 29:Favorite song?- Ooh 😲 this ones super tough. i'll say Mark My Words by Justin Bieber 30:Favorite band?- don't have one31:How I feel right now?- in pain cuz the right side of my ribs hurt when i laugh or breathe too heavy. 32:Someone I love.- My bff33:My current relationship status.- Single 34:My relationship with my parents.- Dads dead and don't talk to my mom much35:Favorite holiday.- Easter36:Tattoos and piercing I have.- 3 tats all on my left arm (3 roses on my inner forearm, tigers eyes on the outer forearm close to the wrist and a matching sister tattoo on my inner bicep), and just my ears pierced. 37:Tattoos and piercing I want.- lots more tattoos i want to have a full sleeve at some point and maybe my tongue and maybe big maybe my nose 38:The reason I joined Tumblr.- cuz i wanted to be gayer 39:Do I and my last ex hate each other?- well she hates me (lmao that's what she says cuz she's a pain in the ass) but i still love her, we're best friends 40:Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts?- well yeah41:Have I ever kissed the last person I texted?- nope42:When did I last hold hands?- um i held my nephews hand today, does that count ? 43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?- maybe 30 minutes 44:Have I shaved my legs in the past three days? - nope 👎🏼 but you can't really tell either, it's def been like 3 weeks45: Where am I right now?- in my not so comfy bed 46:If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?- it better be my bff 47:Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?- loud af48:Do I live with my Mom and Dad?- no i do not49:Am I excited for anything?- to be financially stable with some extra spending money but something a little sooner than that going back to school for a degree in graphic design50:Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?- nah (don't have many friends)51:How often do I wear a fake smile?- not very often but it does happen occasionally 52:When was the last time I hugged someone?- i hugged my nephew a few hours ago53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?- well if we've both moved on then just gotta except it 54:Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?- um not sure55:What is something I disliked about today?- i streamed too late56:If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?- Selena Gomez 😍😝57:What do I think about most?- making it as a streamer/ gamer and meeting my bff 58:What’s my strangest talent?- i'm untalented so nothing 59:Do I have any strange phobias?- not that i know of 60:Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?- in front now but it hasn't always been that way61:What was the last lie I told?- hell i don't know. i do my best to be as honest as possible 62:Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?- since i've met my bff... both !63:Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?- Yes and Yes64:Do I believe in magic?- Hell yes65:Do I believe in luck?- to an extent66:What’s the weather like right now?- a bit cool67:What was the last book I’ve read?- The making of Optic Gaming 68:Do I like the smell of gasoline?- yes69:Do I have any nicknames?- Tone, Baloney70:What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?- nothing horrible but i messed up my rotator cup in my left shoulder 71:Do I spend money or save it?- both, i save money so i can spend it 72:Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - wth of course i can touch my nose with a tongue but touching my nose with MY tongue no i can't 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?- i have pink writing on my t shirt 74:Favorite animal?- Tiger75:What was I doing last night at 12 AM?- talking on the phone and working on my laptop76:What do I think Satan’s last name is?- James 😂 jk i don't fucking know77:What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?- anything edm or Bieber78:How can you win my heart? - be yourself, be positive and a good sense of humor79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?- Here lies the best fucking person ever Tone Balone aka Toni Rivera80:What is my favorite word?- um i'm not even sure 81:My top 5 blogs on tumblr?- @queenfvckit- @1beyond-it- @wevegothighhopes- @bieber-news- @selenagomez-updates 😍82:If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?- please subscribe to me on youtube and connect with me on all my social medias to stay up to date on what i'm doing and when i'll be uploading or streaming (insert list of social media accounts) 83:Do I have any relatives in jail?- yes unfortunately #FreeJonathan84:I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?- Read people's mind85:What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?- no idea, never really thought about it86:What is my current desktop picture?- Captain America87:Had sex?- yes88:Bought condoms?- no89:Gotten pregnant?- noooooo90:Failed a class?- yes 91:Kissed a boy?- unfortunately 92:Kissed a girl?- only in my dreams but hopefully irl really really soon93:Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?- no but that's hella cute and goals af94:Had job?- yep 👍🏼 95:Left the house without my wallet?- fuck yes and it pisses me off every time96:Bullied someone on the Internet?- never 97:Had sex in public?- no98:Played on a sports team?- hell yeah 99:Smoked weed?- not yet100:Did drugs?- nah101:Smoked cigarettes?- second hand but that's it102:Drank alcohol?- once but it was gross 103:Am I a vegetarian/vegan?- fuck no104:Been overweight?- well yeah 105:Been underweight?- nope106:Been to a wedding?- yes 107:Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?- fuck yes all the damn time really, it's my unpaid job (for now)108:Watched TV for 5 hours straight?- used to109:Been outside my home country?- nope110:Gotten my heart broken?- yes111:Been to a professional sports game?- yes112:Broken a bone?- never 113:Cut myself?- on purpose no by accident a whole fucking lot114:Been to prom?- nope115:Been in airplane? - yes but i was a baby 116: Fly by helicopter?- nope but i was supposed to but couldn't because of weather conditions 117:What concerts have I been to?- R. Kelly, N'SYNC and um that's it i think118:Had a crush on someone of the same sex?- well duh that's how being gay works 119:Learned another language?- eh120:Wore make up?- like twice121:Lost my virginity before I was 18?- no122:Had oral sex?- no123:Dyed my hair?- no124:Voted in a presidential election?- yes.. twice125:Rode in an ambulance?- nope but i've been inside one to learn about what's in it126:Had a surgery?- nopers127:Met someone famous?- i wish128:Stalked someone on a social network?- lmao who hasn't !? 129:Peed outside?- not that i can think of130:Been fishing?- sure have 131:Helped with charity?- yes Relay For Life and many others132:Been rejected by a crush?- um probably 133:Broken a mirror?- no134:What do I want for birthday?- a gaming pc and gaming chair135:How many kids do I want and what will be their names?- maybe two, for a boy Christian or Vince maybe even Anthony or Christian Anthony yep that's the one and for a girl hmm 🤔 Katie 136:Was I named after anyone?- yes, my dad. they thought i was gonna be a boy so i would've been a jr but then i ended up being a girl so they just named me Toni instead of Anthony obvi 137:Do I like my handwriting?- fuck no 138:What was my favorite toy as a child?- Legos 139:Favorite TV Show?- Ugh so many but Pretty Little Liars140:Where do I want to live when older?- well i'm 23 but i'd love to live in Cali or Canada 141:Play any musical instrument?- yes drums and a little guitar. been a while since i've played either one tho142:One of my scars, how did I get it?- On my cheek and neck, i was attacked by a dog when i was younger and it scratched me pretty deep, had to get stitches.143:Favorite pizza topping?- cheese but if it's Pizza Hut pepperoni is delicious144:Am I afraid of the dark?- yes 145:Am I afraid of heights?- no way146:Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?- yeah of course147:Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?- um i don't remember 148:What I’m really bad at.- expressing myself 149:What my greatest achievements are.- sleeping 150:The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me.- shut the fuck up fat ass 151:What I’d do if I won in a lottery.- well depends on how much it is, but buy a car, house, have the ultimate gaming setup/ room, visit my bff, give money to some people in my immediate family and the bff152:What do I like about myself?- my smile and eyes 153:My closest Tumblr friend.- @queenfvckit154:Something I fantasies about.- sex with a girl155:Any question you’d like- why am i so amazing ? welp you can thank my parents for that but that's a question you have to ask my creator cuz i couldn't tell ya 😂🙌🏼😍

[chocolate-brownies]

Abbie Galvin is the founder of The Studio, a dedicated space for Katonah yoga. The former filmmaker and psychoanalytical enthusiast has drawn parallels between film, psychology, and yoga as a way of seeing, with a similar end goal of becoming a well-adjusted individual. She describes yoga as not just cultivating awareness, but gathering insight as to how to develop potential. Abbie believes that having an idea beyond personal frame of reference is how we develop insight and self-awareness.

It takes a competent mind and stable body to open to perspective that goes beyond our default mode of unconscious patterning. Katonah yoga describes the human condition as having three natures, the first being our karmic inheritances. Our second nature includes the techniques we learn in our lifetime to educate the mind and expand consciousness. The third nature, or stellar nature, is connection to the true self. Though Katonah yoga is not described as a devotional practice, Abbie will attest that a practitioner can still have a spiritual experience; that the key to transcending habitual nature lies in unlocking the imagination.

We recently caught up with Abbie to learn more about what it means to cultivate spiritual intelligence through the lens of sacred geometry and the art of repetition. Learn from her IRL at Wanderlust Stratton this June! For tickets and more information, click here.

Wanderlust (WL): In your first Katonah yoga class, you had what you described as a chemical reaction—how was that different from other reactions or responses we might have in a typical yoga class?

Abbie Galvin (AG): What I experiences was that I could embody an idea in my body instead of just having a physical sensation. I really saw that this work would change my interior instead of just giving me a physical practice.

WL: How do you know your interior has changed if you can’t see it?

AG: My body changed. I could feel more spacious, more energy moving through it—I never felt that before, I had just felt the arduous of working hard because I have the ability to do that. This physical practice was really a conversation between my conscious and my unconscious self, instead of just exerting physical effort to do what the teacher was telling me to do. In our classes we really teach asana, we don’t just call out poses, which is totally different because then people learn how to fit themselves instead of just how to function in the room and survive.

WL: How is Katonah yoga philosophy rooted in Taoism?

AG: It’s one of the trinities of how to explore that yin and yang is mediated by you, and that nature has pattern—the pattern of the seasons, the pattern of your period, the pattern in a leaf or in wood—and we are all part of that; it’s how we witness intelligence. The more you repeat a pattern, the more you develop the capacity to have insight. The more you repeat anything is how you get good at things. The more you repeat pattern with good form, the more you develop your potential to change and to grow and have insight and realizations and revelations. That’s how people evolve.

WL: What happens in practice when a pattern is expected?

AG: Pattern is very conscious—it has to be, otherwise it’s unconscious pattern and after a while people get hurt. That’s why I’m not a big fan of just calling out and cuing poses. We can talk about transformation all we want, but it’s not happening if all people do is listen to a cue and are either doing their version or trying their best. But we’re not interested in your best, we’re interested in how you measure up, which is very different than your best—and its probably better than your best because it has some real information in it, and it’s not just an emotional effort to try hard or please the teacher or stretch themselves.

Photo by Bia Andrade

WL: By measuring up do you mean using discernment?

AG: Well not just any discernment, but to use poses the way they’re designed. We use the idea of origami folding and your joint space. You’ve got 12 major joints, and folding in joint space is like an origami fold. In origami when the corners don’t meet there’s an issue, so when you actually put your knee in your armpit which is a real fit, or your chest on your thigh which is a real fit, your kidney becomes available. And then you’ve got a fold with interior information that’s available within the fold. So you’re in the fold of personal integrity.

WL: But obviously bodies are very different from a piece of paper, right?

AG: That’s right. Bodies are three-dimensional and paper is two-dimensional. We are three-dimensional, so we work with the idea of geometry because it has dimension, it has volume and we want people to know they’re not linear, they’re spherical. Because we don’t live in the middle of a line we live in the middle of a sphere. So we are spherical beings. So when we teach physical practice we teach people to fold and unfold, but we also teach people to be spherical so that when you twist you don’t just squish right and left, you revolve around a plum line, a spit which gives you dimension to open up a field of vision. It’s to flush one kidney and open up the opposite lung, it serves a very pragmatic purpose so that poses become tools.

WL: How do you know that flushing a kidney can open a lung?

AG: Let’s look at a plow. If you put your legs over your head and put your knees right in your armpits or you put your knees next to your ear, in Chinese philosophy your ears are your kidneys, they are the same size and shape as your kidney. A knee is also a kidney, so if you put your knees next to your ears your kidney is fully open. So your job in a plow is to pack those kidneys with air. That way your back is also available and more pliant instead of a hard shell so that it doesn’t overwhelm your potential, which is your front body. And then you’re round like a sphere. Because the back is like the mineralization of your age and it gets harder and harder as you get older and older, we want to keep its pliancy, which is why a plow pose is a real longevity pose.

WL: Is Katonah yoga an evolution of the old yoga model?

AG: We’re not doing it to be innovative, but to be functional. We look at all the people with injuries, diseases, and issues that can be addressed by working from the outside in, and then we get to see how people organize themselves differently. It’s being able to allow someone to let go of the investment and look at how they’re doing something to have an experience and insight. That’s where awareness and change come in, you try to alter someone’s frame of reference to teach them something that’s much more efficient and effective than the habit they have or the prepensely scope they have, which is not sustainable.

None of this is arbitrary—it is all for function and is very pragmatic but also quite magical. The old model was appropriate for their time and maybe their student body, but Iyengar came from a very messy culture, which is why his practices are very rigid. Other practices where they talk about opening up the heart, for our students, most people’s hearts in this culture are already more than open. They’re too vulnerable! We want to teach people how to have a good boundary, not to open their hearts. The heart is a pump and you don’t open a pump. You give it space to function well. Our practice is not an emotional practice, that’s for therapy and we’re not medical.

WL: Right, we’re not therapists. But a lot of people come to yoga seeking it as a form of self-help.

AG: If you stay formal and have good technique you will inevitably have an emotional experience of joy. If you want to do good yoga you’re going to need a good technique. We are very technique-oriented because that gives students a lot of new experiences, both emotional and physical, which gives them great pleasure. If you have lots of good techniques, you will have more metaphors to play with, you will become more metta. When you crosshatch yourself you can weave together a beautiful tapestry of your life.

WL: What do you wish that more yoga practitioners knew?

AG: That the world is round, that they are round, that there are so many possibilities for potentiating oneself and that everybody should use their practice well—that they should do what they do and do it with intelligence and imagination. I’d want them to know that this world is amazing and that being in a body is a gift and there is so much potential and love in it all.

—

Andrea Rice is a writer, yoga and meditation teacher, and Wanderlust Festival presenter. Her articles and essays have appeared in The New York Times, Yoga Journal, The Wanderlust Journal, NY Yoga + Life, mindbodygreen, and SONIMA, among other publications. She has been teaching yoga since 2010, first in Brooklyn and Manhattan, and now in Raleigh, NC, where she currently resides. She is also co-authoring a book about the application of seasonal rhythms and yoga philosophy to modern life, which will be published by New Harbinger in early 2020. Connect with Andrea on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, and sign up for her quarterly newsletters on her website: www.andreariceyoga.com.

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