#mans got issues and being rejected like that... being LEFT like that... clearly did a number on him.

[engagemythrusters]

i just wish crosshair had known from the start that they didnt want to leave without him. bc based on the next time we see him come out of those medical tubes... he gets his chip out early. but then he still thinks, after having watched them stand in front of their gear by their ship... that they were planning on going without him all along. so if he'd just known before that chip came out...

[achaotichuman]

Acotar Rant

Whenever I see shit like ‘Tamlin is depressed and wants to die because Feyre left him’ ‘He’s so desperate for Feyre and that’s whats driven him to this point.’ All I can think is, do we just collectively think Tamlin is immune to trauma??

To even grasp this situation you have to go way back before the book even starts. Tamlin was preyed on by the pedophile that helped ruin his childhood who then cursed him because he told her no.

He then had to watch all his close friends die in vain for him while he desperately searched for decades for another solution. He brought in refugees fleeing from other Courts. He. Carried. His. Dead. Citizens. And. Hand. Buried. Them. And he had to do it all without ever being able to fall apart.

The Feyre came along, and he learned to care for her. He didnt want her to just be used to break the curse because he didnt want to just be using her. He fell in love with a person that saw past the mask (both figuratively and literally) and allowed him a safe space. One that had long ago been stripped from him.

Then she was sexually assaulted, tortured and killed in front of him. He watched the love of his life die for him and he was completely unable to do anything about it.

Then he was given another chance to protect her and he took it. Granted this is not to excuse his actions, but there has to be some nuance given to the fact that he watched her literally die and was by the grace of God given another chance.

Then this same girl that he loved and desperately wanted to protect from the same thing happening again, was kidnapped. This same woman then tricked him into believing she had once again been raped by the same monster who assaulted her under the mountain and killed his family.

The very same woman then mind raped his sentries, his friends, and then proceeded to destroy his Court which he had spent decades trying everything in his power to protect, from the inside out. Then allowed Hybern to rampage through, destroying a neighbouring Court in the process.

He had to watch his people die all over again, when Feyre lied to him, he saw her dying under the mountain all over again. And he still went to war! He was spying on Hybern and gave over vital information about them to the High lords!

Then he dragged Beron out by his neck to fight for Prythian.

And when all was said and done he helped bring back the monster that had destroyed him mentally all for the sake of the girl that had killed his people.

Then he left them all alone in the end. Spring was abandoned and him along with it. This man, who very clearly has abandonment issues from the fact he was rejected by his family and beat within an inch of his life to the point he ran from home to the War Camps, was left completely by himself.

Lucien does come to see him once every now and again, but I also don’t blame Tamlin for not wanting him too. Considering even though Lucien had extremely valid reasons for leaving when he did, he still left Spring for dead without an explanation.

In the end, it is not ‘Tamlin needs to get over himself and his ex’ its Tamlin needs an extreme amount of mental help. He is a survivor as much as the rest of them.

Not even Feyre was able to recover from her mental health without a ton of fucking help. No one was, everyone got their support groups in the end

Tamlin went through it all without ever taking himself into consideration and still made it. He deserves to be able to fall apart.

[idkwhatimd0ingatall]

Will Story Event Translation (forgot the name)

// - is an alternate translation T/N: ignore my changing translation style, trying different things out to see what works. Also these translations aren’t accurate so the official translation will most likely be different T/N: Gave up on trying to fix the images

"I want you to kiss me."

The moment I entered the room and pleaded with Will, he gave me exactly what I desired.

After sitting on the bed together, Will traced my palate with his gentle tongue, and my body trembled with joy.

However,

William: ...

Suddenly, Will stopped kissing, and my body, left hanging, throbbed with a sense of longing.

Kate: Will?

William: For someone who pleaded for a kiss with such intensity, you seem distracted, Kate.

Kate: N-no, it's just...

William: Can't focus on kissing me, got some other 'business' on your mind?

Kate: No, it's not that! There's no other business... but...

I hesitated to tell him about the unfortunate incident.

(...Oh, but sooner or later, Will will find out.)

(Given Will's nature, he might already know... maybe he's deliberately asking to hear it from my mouth.)

Above all, because I want to face Will with a free and unburdened heart, I decided to confess today's events.

Kate: Actually...

William: ...'Kissed by a stranger'?

Kate: Yes, on my way back from today's mission, I was confronted... unable to escape it, just once.

The man I encountered on the roadside seemed drunk, persistently bothering me.

No matter how clearly I rejected him, he forcibly took my hand and brought his lips close.

Kate: Harrison and Liam, who came later, managed to drive him away, so there were no further consequences.

Kate: But... I can't forgive myself for allowing anyone other than Will to touch me.

I washed my hands repeatedly when I got home, to the point where my skin felt irritated.

Yet, the disgust from being touched couldn't be completely washed away, tormenting me.

Kate: ...I want to dedicate my life to Will as his servant.

Kate: My body and heart exist for Will alone, and I don't want to surrender them to anyone else. But... I allowed a kiss, and I regret it.

Feeling frustrated with myself, my fingertips trembled as I tightly clenched my fist on my knee.

William: Did you plead for a kiss to forget?

Kate: Yes... I'm sorry. I made you deal with my own issues.

William: No need to apologize. The one at fault is the man who forced himself on you, isn't it?

Will took my hand firmly and laid a kiss on the palm.

(...I heard somewhere that a kiss on the palm is a plea.)

Not something taken by force, but a kiss filled with respect, like showing that I have value worth pleading for. It warmed my heart.

(Even without using the cursed ability, Will's words have a mysterious power.)

(The inability to resist, the discomfort from being touched, all slowly melted away...)

The man who forcibly approached me is the only one at fault, and I finally forgave myself.

Kate: ...Thank you, Will.

William: Just stating the obvious. Now, there's nothing to cloud your mind, right?

Kate: ...Can I ask for a little selfishness?

Kate: I want you to kiss me. Many times, enough to make today's events fade away.

In truth, my heart is already healed with the words Will gave me.

I won't even notice if that man passes by me in the city; Will must understand my inner thoughts.

(So this is just... an invitation, a line used just to kiss my lover.)

William: If you wish, as much as you want.

With a seductive smile, Will embraced me from behind.

Kate: Will...?

In this position, isn’t it difficult for our lips to meet?

I tried to turn around, calling his name in confusion, but

William: Stay like this.

I was restrained, and a kiss was dropped behind my ear.

Will's tongue crawled along the curve, making a wet sound.

Kate: ...Ah, n-no.

William: Kate... don't suppress your voice.

William: After hearing it so many times, there's nothing embarrassing about it now, is there?

Kate: But... to feel so much from just the ear... isn't it strange?

Just being embraced from behind and kissed on the ear, warmth accumulated inside my body.

William: It's not strange. Kate, it's cute how you react so honestly to your feelings.

Will lightly nibbled on my ear, and his tongue slid into my ear canal.

William: Mmm... haah...

Kate: Mm... ah... haah...

Trying to endure the sweet throbbing, I hugged the cushion tightly against my knees.

William: ...Should have changed the position.

Kate: Eh...?

William: If our bodies were facing the other way, you would have clung to me, right?

Kate: Hehe... it's like you're jealous of the cushion.

William: I can get jealous. I can't catch you as softly as a cushion.

// I get jealous too. Softly catching you like a feather is something my body can't do.

As Will joked, I couldn't help but laugh.

(Normally, if someone is jealous, it would be of a person, not a cushion, right?)

(I can't imagine Will being jealous, but that's okay.)

Will's jealousy will probably remain forever unexplored, and that's fine.

As long as we understand that we love each other more than anyone else, there's no need for jealousy.

Releasing the cushion that became the target of jealousy, I faced Will directly.

William: Do you know this saying?

William: A kiss on the hand is a kiss of respect. On the forehead, a kiss of friendship. On the cheek, a kiss of satisfaction.

William: On the lips, a kiss of love. On closed eyes, a kiss of admiration/yearning. On the palm, a kiss of pleading.

William: On the arm and neck, a kiss of desire... any other kiss is considered 'madness,' according to the whims of the poet.

Kate: I heard this in a play once. It was titled 'Kiss,' wasn't it?

Will nodded and pulled me close again.

William: When I remembered this poem, I thought of choosing one and giving it to you, Kate... but I decided against it.

William: Narrowing down my feelings for you to just one is more challenging than any mission.

Kate: ...In that case, give me all of them.

William: Of course. That's the plan.

William: Whether you're ready to accept all those emotions... there's no need to ask.

As if engraving all the emotions into me, Will continued to kiss me following the poem.

Liam: Mission complete! ...Although, we probably didn't need to come. Will pretty much took care of everything.

Harrison: The illegal organization has been completely wiped out. Whether the headcount matches or not, let's count the bodies.

Liam: Okay! 1, 2, 3, 4... 4?

Liam: ...Huh? Hey, Harry, doesn't this guy look familiar from somewhere?

Harrison: Even if you say he looks familiar... His face is all messed up, isn't it impossible to identify him?

Liam: Hmm... this build, the shape of the head, that plain-patterned shirt... I feel like I've seen him somewhere, though...

Liam: ...Ah, got it! This is the guy who was pestering Kate not too long ago!

Liam: You know, grabbed her hand forcibly, made a loud smooching sound, kissed her forcefully!

Harrison: Oh yeah, I remember now. That guy...

Liam: Will, you didn't say anything when you saw the target's information. But did you know about him?

Harrison: Knowing Will, he probably planned this method of killing, right?

The man had used a knife to cut off his own lips, leaving a gruesome sight.

Liam: Kate, you're loved.

Harrison: To speak of love in this situation... not the best sight, I think...

FIN~

[godeaterazathoth]

Issues I have with ikevamp

That I’m venting here because they won’t leave my skull

*Content warning, we’re talking about men in the past, they did some bad stuff*

Part 1, historical inaccuracies

I’m I history nut so this really gets to me, since I know the deep details of these peoples lives.

The timeline, ok so the game takes place in 18th France, correct me if I’m wrong but I think it is in the second empire (1852-1870) considered there is a noble class, yet you can clearly see the Eiffel Tower which was completed in 1889, there is no mention of the 1889 exposition, so it must be after the tower had become permanent, by then the 3rd republic was around, if we are in the republic the Count wouldn’t be called that by the npcs at all the parties he goes to, no matter which we’re in, NOBODY mentions Napoleon III at, NOT EVAN HIS UNCLE (WHOSE SOMEHOW BECAME CASS CONSCIOUS!)

How does the time travel work, example, Dazai died in 1948, his plan was seemingly to wait until he’s born in 1909 then kill himself as a baby, but then he decides to use the magic door, what are the consequences of 2 Dazais existing at once or him erasing himself from history, he’s a pretty important literary figure, does someone else replace him or does the space time continuum collapse?? Is the future Vlad sees set in stone or can it be changed, just copy someone else’s time travel bit!!!

So straight up these guys aren’t who they say they are, we’ll go through 1 by 1

Napoleon- doesn’t mention he left the love of his life to marry a girl 20 years his junior (like think how interesting it would be if he’s conflicted about love cuz he had to give it up for political reasons) -that scene where MC talks about all the ‘good’ that he did in Europe, like committing war crimes against the Spanish and Portuguese and Eastern Europeans, being a coloniser, killing the slaves he freed when they asked for more rights, killing thousands of men in a meaningless war (ligit H*tler vibes)

Arthur- goofy irl, literally believed in fairies, had 5 children and married twice but he never mentions any of this, he cheated on his first wife while she was dying of TB, he was a liberal unionist (tldr didn’t like Irish people) he was anti-immigration, might have committed fraud. We’ll get to the other issues I have with him.

Leonardo- fruity as hell, vegetarian

Mozart- they got his character completely wrong, the guy was a complete man child, vain, broke, by the end of his life his career fell off (Beethoven better composer), in love with his cousin 🤢, had a s*at fetish 🤢🤢🤢. The hole Salieri thing didn’t happen.

Vincent- they made him too mentally stable, I’m all for him being meek, but the guy had serious issues that they ignore, he ate paint thinner, was rejected by his both crushes, WHY DOES HE HAVE BOTH EARS, DID IT GROW BACK, THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM WITH ONLY ONE, also he should be ginger smh. Oh yeah and they never mentioned the s*ecide attempt.

Theo- doesn’t mention his wife, or son, WHO HE NAMED AFTER VINCENT, his wife is the person responsible for Vincent’s work not being completely forgotten, was way nicer irl.

Issac- tbh hotter irl, low key ace, maybe a fruit, kinda mean, the only thing they got right was the major virgin vibes.

Jean- WHY MAN!??!! Even if the didn’t want a lesbian route, they could have gone with any other guy from the 100 years war, Edward black prince, idk WHY GENDER BEND ONE OF THE MOST PROMINENT WOMEN IN HISTORY, I’m fine with the delusional trans dude lie, but they say that he was a guy all along, THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HIM BEING BURNT AT THE STAKE IF HE WASN’T CROSS DRESSING???!!! was he double cross dressing??? This is the worst of them all, give me the girl boss we deserve (revers fate)

Dazai- not depressed enough imo, he was a leftist, again missing wife, their were two su*ecide attempts, guy lived through fire bombing, had a few children that he is fine to erase from existence.

Shakespeare- probably a fruit, again never mentioned his wife and kids, btw the way he talks is annoying, some people don’t think he’s real.

Faust- NOT A REAL PERSON.

Sanson- too young, this guys is 67, really liked the guillotine, just saw execution as his job didn’t really care, had a wife and kids.

Vlad- Ok is he supposed to be Vlad THE impaler? Cuz he’s not evil enough, or is he a Dracula reference, cuz he can’t dance that dance either, why did they call him Vlad if he isn’t a blood thirsty war criminal.

Count- not enough history to work with.

Part 2, problematic moments

So I ha have seen some posts on the low key misogynistic way the MC is written and treated and there are a lot of issues wit white washing history so another trigger warning ⚠️

Misogyny- the MC of this game is not the best, I know she’s a self insert but she has no backbone at all. She lacks agency I’m most of the routes, like the MC getting kidnapped is a troupe in all these games, but Emma can escape on her own, Kate has ⚽️, even Alice had more depth to her, seems the only thing MC can do is cry and wait to be saved, I swear she gets kidnapped once in every route, I think they could have given her more character to work with. Another thing, but Jean being a man is bad, really bad, she’s a feminist icon but they made her a man, it’s sought of saying that women aren’t capable of this so she had to have actually been a man.

Handling of SA, important one here, I’m ok with the flirty guy, but I really hate Arthur, he doesn’t just flirt with her in chapter 1 he assaults her and acts like he did her a service, and she just forgives him!?! I’m fine with a guy that sleeps around, I like Jin and Nokto fine, but the way Arthur talks about women, always calling them Birds (if they were going for English slang it doesn’t work cuz he doesn’t have a cockney accent) or worse Skirts, it’s dehumanising, and shows that to him women are vehicles for sexual pleasure and aren’t on an equal level of understanding. There are smaller parts to, Leo kisses her without consent, the Count hides the truth from her, idk but Theo calling her a ‘hound’ sounds like he’s calling her something else…

Minor points on classism, I’m not expecting the communist manifesto, but all these games aren’t very good at dealing with class deviation. In Vlad’s route, the orphan boy thinks he can impress the rich girl, this is the 19th century, capitalism is on the rise, but there’s no comment about how it’s impossible. The little school Napoleons runs is strange, considering he was in a position where benefited from poor people existing and staying poor, ( side note, he’s teaching them swordsmanship when ww1 is right around the corner, just saying they won’t need it in the military) called MC out as a social climber, these games sought of depict the past through rosé tinted glasses, there’s only passing reference to how fucked people were in the past, Also all the historical inaccuracies above tie to this.

Anyway love to hear some other opinions, (I started playing this game before my transition and have always thought it it was wired, it’s my personal least favourite just cuz I couldn’t really get into any of the guys, my OC ended up as a Carmilla reference so….)

I have seen a post talking about some of the issues before so that’s what got me to write this out, if you disagree or want to add anything I’m all ears 👂

Thanks for reading 💗💖💖💕💓💝💗🥰🥰🥰❤️✨✨✨✨❤️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[thekingofwinterblog]

Sasha's Parents

Allright, so thanks to the diary we finally got some definite info on Sasha's parents. Let's dissect it, and analyze how the divorce might have turned her into the person she is today.

According to Anne, Sasha's parents divorced when she was around four- or five-years-old. Her father remarried and doesn't seem to have had any other kids, while her mother has a long-term boyfriend who has kids of his own.

So what does this tell us? Well, the first thing we have to do is speculate which of Sasha's parents has custody of her, because knowing that, we can draw a lot of conclusions.

Personally, I am almost certain that it's her father, for reason i'll go into below.

Firstly, let's analyze the events of the divorce, before trying to figure out how the events of the series relates to the original plan the creators had to have an episode where Sasha reveals the full details of her backstory to Anne.

Mr and Mrs Waybright divorced when Sasha was 5 years old, but the implication we get from what little we know about the two people involved suggests that this wasn't simply a case of two people realizing things weren't working out... Because the implications seems to be that Mrs Waybright left her husband for another man... Who already had kids of his own, and who she very explicitly did not marry.

Why is this important? Because it explains everything we ever needed to know about Sasha's seething, burning desire to always be in control, and more importantly, on top.

Because in Sasha's 5 year old mind, seeing her mom leave her dad for another man, who already had a bunch of kids, while abandoning her, is tantamount to saying that she was worthless in her mother's eyes. She didn't measure up. Clearly her mom cared more about these kids than her... When in reality, it was the new boyfriend she actually cared about, not the kids. Neither the new ones... Or her own flesh and blood.

It also explains perfectly why Sasha's reaction to the Plantars "Stealing" Anne from her turned her downright murderous. In her mind it was basically history repeating itself again. Her losing someone she loved to another family she knew nothing about.

No wonder this girl hated the very concept of family.

Meanwhile, her dad married another woman, which which can safely assume was not a warm, loving relationship. More likely than not, whether this woman wanted to try and be a mother to Sasha, it's abundantly clear that that wasn't gonna happen. After the divorce, Sasha would have rejected any and all attempts at replacing her mother, and that stuck.

Her eternal quest to make Anne and Marcy happy is also explained by this. Sasha wants to make the people she loves happy. She wants them to like her, to appreciate her, to be rewarded with love and attention by people she loves and cares about.

But while this does explain a lot(Her control issues, her disdain for family, her non existent love for said family) there is still some things it does not explain, or at least there seems to be something more we aren't told.

So, let's put forth another question, to explain the things that a simple, if ugly divorce does not explain.

Was Sasha abused by her parents?

Throughout the series, Sasha continously says some extremely heavy lines, that though they fit perfectly with what is happening in the moment, all seem to be as a response to something else that happened previously in Sasha's life, that we just don't have the context for.

When Sasha hits her absolute lowest point, after having seemingly destroyed the only thing she truly cared about for Good and all, Sasha very deliberately refers to herself as belonging in the Trash, and that it's all someone like her deserves, in a tone that suggests she is accepting something she felt deep in her heart was innevitable.

That could be her being overly dramatic... But it could be something else.

Like she had been told that this was all she amounted to, a worthless brat who no one would love, who belonged in the trash.

Not while Anne and Marcy are getting by withouth me.

This line is pretty clear in it's meaning, but again, the way it's said and worded suggests it's referencing something someone else said at some point.

Hey anne... Maybe you're better off without me.

Sasha's famous line when she decides to kill herself is an important one, and one where she proves that she is willing to lay down her life for anne if it comes to that.

But knowing the circumstances with her parents divorce, it's hard not to read more into it. That Sasha had a genuine fear that her mother didn't just leave her, but that she was better off withouth her.

That could be projecting... but it doesn't have to be. Sasha could have heard it straight from the horse's mouth.

End of discussion

This one is absolutely referencing a line. This is a line Sasha uses to shut down any arguments Anne has when Sasha wants the discussion to end.

But that isn't something kids tend to learn on their own. They learn that by example. By mimicking others.

So before going into speculation of how Sasha may or may not have been abused, lets finish by pointing out the biggest argument for it.

The incredibly unsettling, and unnatural way Sasha does not care about her Parents in any way.

Sasha makes it abundantly clear throughout the entire series that she does not care about her parents. At all. Her relationship with them isn't a complicated one. It's nonexistent. As far as she cares, it does not exist.

That is incredibly unnatural behavior from a child. Even the most abused, or neglected of children will usually have some form of natural attachment to their parents, or parental figures. It's simply the way human beings are made.

It takes A LOT to break that bond completely, even for an adult.

But Sasha isn't an adult. She is a child. And yet her bond to her parents is as far as she is concerned for most of the series, broken beyond any repair.

And she doesn't care to try and fix it. That all on it's own speaks volumes of just how BAD her relationship with her folks are.

So, let's get to speculating on what exactly the kind of abuse Sasha might have gone through with her parents, because there is probably two very distinct kinds from each of her parents.

Of the two, I would guess that if she was abused, the most visceral part came from her mom.

Most of Sasha's biggest issues are clearly a result of her mother leaving her, and so this would make sense.

So, what sort of abuse might Sasha have suffered at the hands of her mother that broke her down so badly, given the woman left her behind, and so probably didn't interact with her much beyond this?

If i had to guess, all of it probably stems for what happened during the divorce, where her mom essentially put all her cards on the table, and let her real feelings be put on full display.

And there are several reasons her mom might have had to lash out at her own child. It could be as simple as the fact she used Sasha to hurt her now ex-husband. Rubbing in that he was stuck with her now.

It could be that sasha was an unplanned child that she didn't want, and had secretly resented for all five years of her life.

She may have been pressured into having her by her Mr Waybright, and now that she no longer had to even try to make him happy, she made it abundantly clear how much she never wanted the damned child he put in her.

Or she could flat out not have liked Sasha, based solely on her personality.

Whatever the reasons, it's clear that the events of the divorce shattered Sasha to her core, and would be essential into forming her into the person she was at the start of the series.

Having one of the people that Sasha(Who is a person who forms STRONG attachments) loves more than any other, turn on her completely, and reveal she always hated her would probably have done the trick.

Now, let's move on to Mr Waybright.

I am very certain that Sasha probably learned the "End. Of. Discussion." From him, as their relationship seems to have been a different kind of breakdown.

Namely that he seems to have given up on Sasha, giving her a level of personal control over her life that is downright irresponsible, letting her throw parties on the regular, seemingly giving her free access to cash as she needs it, and having failed to instill any discipline into his kid.

These are all classic symptoms of a relationship where the parent has given up, and simply gives the kid what they want so they don't have to deal with them.

But was this always the case?

The simple fact is, that with what we know of Mrs Waybright, the extreme destruction of her relationship with Sasha makes sense. There are details one has to speculate on, but there is a clear line to follow from point A to B.

Not so with Mr Waybright.

We know where they ended up, the turning point, but not the steps between.

The only thing we have to go on, Is that amongst her many, many unusual traits for someone so young, Sasha has a much older person's view on discipline. Namely she does not respond to it, because she does not respect the person delivering it, be they teachers or Grime.

It does not take a genius to figure out that this probably stems from her relationship with her father.

The simplest, and most likely explanation is that Mr Waybright attempts at parenting probably involved a lot of discipline, and attempts to instill Sasha with a sense dread at a phrace with the meaning of "This conversation is over".

In this he obviously failed, Because for whatever reason(probably something that happened during the divorce) Sasha does not respect him... But Sasha in turn seems to have learned this very kind of tactic herself from him.

Mr Waybright thusly seems to have had more of a sense of familial obligation to Sasha... At least trying to instill her with something resembling discipline... Until finally just giving up on her all together and just letting her do as she pleased.

All in all whether there was actual abuse involved, or just a child's entire world crumbling due to a very ugly divorce, I really, really wish we'd gotten Sasha's backstory episode.

[emmatgc]

Grace, his saving grace.

When people say Grace made Tommy weak, I resent that. She made him stronger not weaker. But, I understand where they are getting it from and let me elaborate on it. Perfect example was the night Grace got shot. Just for a minute here, lets pretend the sapphire was cursed and if only Tommy got it out from her, maybe just maybe she wont get shot. Grace kissed Tommy after he said those iconic words "I need you, Grace, I need you".

The theory was if only Tommy was focused enough, he should have taken the necklace right away and not make her a target but nope, he didn't. What did he do? He held Grace tightly and towards him and kisses her few more times. Grace meant to kiss him just once. In that moment, Tommy was off guard, he was all in focused on Grace forgetting or not knowing really, there is a price tag on him and his family. Now, the bullet was made for him, but the theory was its also meant for the closest to him- his wife who is wearing a sapphire. She became a target as well, all the time. This, among other instances are part of the reasons why they say Grace made Tommy weak that for a man like him, he shouldn't be that way. Wrong. That is not true and that is not the case.

My 2 cents is Tommy has always been vulnerable, every calm demeanor was just a facade to hide his real self. His real self includes the ptsd, the anger and trust issues, the mobster, criminal but also the pre war Tommy, romantic, calm and good. Grace exposed it, the bad and good. It has always been there. The "perceived weakness" was always been there that's why he made bad choices. Nobody corrects him, he was surrounded by "yes people " and a family that is very unstable, too. Then came along, the one person who makes him think twice. Who made him guess, who got him confused, intrigued, who he cannot read her mind. She made him contemplate first on his actions that for once, someone can say No, someone can leave someone can reject him or disobey him. Grace did all that and for that, Grace made him stronger not weaker. She made him human, again. Being a monster is not a strength, its a curse, a burden. Tommy realized that's why he chose Grace despite all odds. What they had was not just any ordinary love or even love per'se, but unyielding, breathtaking love and loyalty towards each other, with the utmost respect and sincerity of two wounded souls colliding in different uniforms but basically one being. They were opposites but exactly the same. For me, its the most beautiful, freaking fictional love story written on a small screen perfectly portrayed by incomparable on on screen couple.

If tommy became weak, its not because of Grace its because despite being Tommy, he is a human being. Its entirely because of himself, circumstances and choices. Remember they were together for almost 3 years, they were just alright. Vulnerability shouldn't be perceived a weakness, it should be of strength. Grace made him stronger for she made him a better man. She took the goodness left in his heart and exposed it to the best of both of their abilities. She chose the goodness in him through and through. Just like Padme's last words about Anakin aka Darth Vader "There's still goodness in him, I know". She changed him. She made him a better person and he clearly wanted to on his accord for HER. That's how powerful Grace was and always will be. Haters are afraid of that, that's why they hate her and Tommy being flawed, imperfect and vulnerable is not ok with them, they excuse his bad doings and blame on Grace. Fact is Tommy with Grace has found a life, a real life. It may have been short that they were in paradise, high and low but boy it was real not some made up shit others points out with other love interests. Death will always follow tommy and those he love. If karma took Tommy's one great love in Grace, it is not because of Grace but because of himself. It sucks really for Grace for she deserves better but she made her choice, too. Weak or not, its his choices not hers that took the life of her. To end this, Tommy and Grace's love was the strongest of them all. People have to thank Grace for making him happy and for making their perfect in ther eyes no fault hero a monster, too. For better or worse, Tommy carried on living and I believe, Grace kept him alive until they would reunite in the afterlife. Grace is his savior after all.

[soul-wanderer]

Alright, it’s been a few days since the last episode aired, and I figured I wouldn’t become any more chill about this, so we might as well tackle this rant regarding people’s judgement of Theo’s character and the underlying racism issue in this debate.

Let’s start off with the fact that we’ve slowly been learning more and more about Theo’s past, which is relevant when it comes to unpacking his current behaviours. In 05x17 we learn that Theo’s best friend, who turned out to be gay, was rejected by his own parents due to their beliefs and that Theo let his friend crash at his place until said friend’s dad showed up at his house with a gun, ready to kill his friend. We then subsequently learn that this both highly affected both Theo and his friend, to the point where Theo is still getting emotional over it when telling this story years later.

We also know that Theo grew up in a tight-knit but poor community and that he lost his dad when he was eight years old and that he still misses him, which becomes apparent after the barbershop fire. We also get glimpses at the overall tone within the community, when his friends/family sort of tease him about the person he’s become, and it’s clear that Theo is struggling with that, because on one hand his career is important to him, but on the other hand it has removed him from his community, especially because he tried so hard to blend in at the SFD and part of him is probably still trying to prove that he is worthy of his career, despite where he came from.

In 05x04 Theo tells Vic about his previous relationships and pretty much admits that they were all toxic (”I didn't think it was real if it didn't make you want to kill yourself”) and that Vic was the first person he didn’t have to prove his love to.

Fast-forward a few years, we get to Theo’s time as a captain at another station and to his friendship with Travis and Michael. The three of them were best friends until the tragic accident that cost Michael’s life. There’s never been any doubt that his death has absolutely wrecked Theo, to the point where he asked for his own demotion, meaning the SFD did not find him guilty, simply because him misjudging the situation was a mistake - a grave one, but a mistake nonetheless, and mistakes do happen, because we’re all just humans after all. It is also important to note that Travis, at this point, has fully forgiven Theo, which he keeps making clear, by reassuring Theo in everything he does. He even goes as far as saying, “No, you’re not [screwing it up]. You’re figuring it out. There’s a big difference. You got this, man. You’re a great firefighter. I’m proud to call you my captain”, which is a big deal, because the last time Theo was captain, it got his own husband killed and Travis, of all people, was ready to forgive him for the mistake he made and trust him to be captain again.

So, let’s get to the good part now. The part where Theo is clearly stressed to the max and to the point where he has seemingly random outbursts because he feels like he’s losing control left and right - something he absolutely wants to avoid, because he wants to do better, because he doesn’t want to lose another person, because there is so much pressure on him, and large portion of it is coming from himself. And Vic keeps pushing and probing, which is absolutely understandable, but Theo clearly isn’t at a point where he is ready for confrontation, but needs reassurance and support instead. It doesn’t make him a terrible human being, it just makes him about as flawed as any other person on that goddamn show. I mean, remember how much Maya screwed up as a captain at first? And the team still managed to give her another chance, so why not extend the same second chance to Theo?

And this is where we get to the uncomfortable part, because part of the reason why Theo is very much judged differently than Maya (or any other captain on this show), very much feels and looks like underlying racism and very much matches what we know about his past. Theo himself has told us between the lines that he is working hard on his career and to be professional and be taken seriously on the job. Which, given his ethnicity and upbringing, is probably really fucking hard. If we take one look at the captains and other people in leadership positions, it’s not hard to figure out that the majority is middle-aged white men. And well, Theo is not that. But Theo worked hard to get there, to prove himself worthy and capable of this position. Even when he doubted himself after the mistake he made. And he still does - doubt himself. Which proves that he has the heart in the right place, because he cares. He cares about his team, and he cares about doing things right, and he knows when he is messing things up.

And most of all, he knows he is going to be treated differently, he is going to be judged harder, for messing up. He is going to get judged for his temperament, for his words, for his manners. He is going to get judged for everything he is and for everything he isn’t. And even Vic acknowledged his code-switching as a means of survival, but sometimes that still isn’t enough and Theo is painfully aware of that, too.

The bottom line: Does Theo need to learn how to handle the pressure differently? Sure! But what he needs, is the support and reassurance of his team - and Travis gave him exactly that, and Andy was trying to give him that, too, and I’d like to believe that this kind of support is what is going to help him find a balance and escape this crushing weight of responsibility he is facing, simply because of who he is as a person.

And I am sure Andy and Theo will get past their “argument” soon enough, because they both have a similar temperament and grew up in similar communities, so if anyone understands Theo, it’s going to be Andy, of all people at the station and because Theo clearly felt terrible once he learned that Andy was trying to do something nice for him.

[artsy-hobbitses]

This could possibly be a stretch, but if Thunderhoof’s dad hated him since birth, and he got traumatised by drugs in his youth, did Hoof’s father have something to do with what happened with the drugs?

Also, could his past be related as to how he wanted to take in Sunny and Sides? He seems to be too close with Sunstreaker (given the passed down jewellery, people who were oayed to party with him, and sitting on the Don’s table in our first image of the stag) for it to just be “hey, you could be useful.”

Also: Rip mama hoof☹️

Sure did! Man took hard drugs to cope with the loss and the hate for the thing he brought into his home and kept alive only because of the government stipend, and then he dealt them! And it was hell in Thunderhoof’s home—if it could be called that—the day drugs entered the door.

Hoof tried to flush it down once he was old enough to figure out this stuff was Bad and his dad was clearly suffering due to it chasing that high, but he got beaten within an inch of his life when his dad found out (DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY COST HIM YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE FREAK) and he’s lived with his dad’s episodes since.

Sometimes if his dad needed extra cash for food or whatever because money went to drugs, Hoof himself was horribly exploited—pushed to illegally sell blood/plasma for a quick buck, had samples collected from him from shady researchers interested in his mutation for a bigger pay, had new Beastmen-focused medicine tested on him because he was ‘unique’ for similar reasons. He was often told to go with it because this would be the only reason his dad would keep him here, better here than in a fuckin lab.

When Hoof got older, bigger and his antlers started to grow in, dad (wisely) mellowed out a bit and tried to coax him to try out the stuff/get him into the business—Hoof obviously rejected all of that and left the house as soon as he could after a massive, violent blowout between the two.

I’d say yeah, it’s why he’s initially quite fatherly/protective over Sunstreaker, who also did not have a good parental relationship. Sunny’s sullen, wrathful little face when they first met reminded him of himself as a kid, so being nice and ‘parenting’ Sunny, in his own way, is sort of like him being the dad that the broken child in him desperately needed/wanted.

He spoiled that boy, sure, but even if they have their disagreements and he’s perpetuating an entirely different set of issues for Sunny, a big part of him doesn’t regret reaching out to this wary streetcat of a kid in the end, and he is genuinely proud of the guy Sunny grew up to be. Think of their relationship as a Yondu-Peter Quill type thing!

[nightimeowl]

1. The Program

Amy leaned over her chair’s armrest to cough into her elbow, immediately catching the attention of the uniformed officer sitting across from her. He merely glanced up and let out an amused huff before turning back to his paperwork.

When the girl finally caught her breath again, she sat upright and grimaced at the sight of her lukewarm cup of coffee. “Why does it taste like that?”

The officer didn’t look up from his screen but did find himself letting out a small laugh. “You’ll get used to it.”

Amy shook her head profusely and got up to dump the coffee in the trash. “I don’t think I want to.” She tossed her drink into the trash and walked back to her seat. “It’s disgusting.”

She slid back into her seat with a sigh. The officer reached to the other side of his desk and pulled out a water bottle before handing it to her. Amy looked up from organizing some papers into a folder and smiled, accepting the water and twisting the cap. “Thanks Al.”

The man nodded in acknowledgement before looking back at his computer. Amy took a couple more sips of the water before screwing the cap back on and putting the plastic bottle on the floor next to one of the chair legs.

She flipped through file after file, opening and sorting any loose, lost, or paper that should be in a different file, and piling the completed files onto the side. Not as exciting as she imagined her job would be when she was one of the students selected for the FACE, Future Adolescent Career Experience, program. When she got to the police station, they had her sit through an orientation video and then had her sort some old files and paperwork.

Boring? A little. But this program would look good on her resume, plus, it was a little fun reading through some of the old case files. She learned a lot about how people were robbed, hijacked, kidnapped, and knew what not to do in case of a situation where she was being threatened by someone who was a threat.

Although, this job isn't without its cons.

After reading a case where a girl would’ve been kidnapped had she not sprayed a small can of hairspray with her that day, Fallon bought her a mace, one she carried around with her everywhere and could be easily disguised as lipstick.

And some cases were hard to read. A few statements came from puppets complaining about work harassment, criminally low pay, assault, theft, just about anything that would get someone arrested had it happened to a human. Some were very clearly waved off, nearly none of these statements were taken seriously or looked into.

Blatant racism.

It made Amy’s blood boil. Her own dad wasn’t in the picture so her mom had raised her on her own up until she was old enough to be left with a sitter. The sitter was a puppet and young Amy adored her.

She closed the file and tossed it on top of the pile before sitting back with her head in her hands. As much as she wanted to work with the police, some of these files were hard for her to stomach.

“Need a break?” Officer Alexander asked, sounding more like a statement then a question.

“Yeah.” Amy rubbed her eyes before pulling herself off her seat. “I’m going for a walk to get a drink. Want anything?”

Al stopped typing on his computer to listen before going right back at it. “No, I’m good.”

Amy nodded and walked away from his desk. The station wasn’t all that crowded today which was nice. She turned the corner and decided that she wanted to take the long way to the vending machine.

She walked down this hall multiple times, she knew where to go without looking around for directions like her first day there.

Finally, she made it to the vending machine. Amy reached into her pocket and pulled out a five dollar bill to pay for a bottle of apple juice and a water bottle. The department was particularly hot that day since there was an issue with the air conditioning so she figured that Al wouldn’t reject a cold bottle of water right now.

As she approached the vending machine, she noticed a yellow file sitting on the bench next to the machine. Curious, Amy reached out and grabbed the file, flipping it open. Her face fell from anticipation to a disappointed frown.

Ah, this was the overlooked case of The Puppeteer serial killer.

A few months ago, before she applied to FACE, there was a puppet found dead in the middle of the highway, shot through the head with their stitches cut clean through. Their horns left on top of a bridge where they might have been tossed over.

The next two victims were killed in similar fashion; shot through the back of their head, cuts throughout their body with their extra set of arms and their spikes lairs neatly in front of where the body dump was.

Unfortunately, this case hardly had any attention brought to it. Or people just chose to ignore it.

Puppets have been on edge since the killer was never caught–

“Hey!” Amy protested when the file was snatched out of her hands from another officer that she was familiar with.

“What are you doing?” The woman pulled the file away, shutting it before tucking it under her arm.

Officer Kareem, she was as by the books as they come and was highly respected amongst her peers. Her and Amy had a handful of differences when it came to opinions. This, of course, happened to be the reason why the two butted heads so often.

“Sorry,” Amy apologized reflexively. “It was just laying there and I thought–”

Kareem cut Amy off before she could finish. “Then don’t think. Just do your job.”

Amy watched as officer Kareem stomped down the hall before turning heading towards the elevators. The teen muttered a comment under her breath before collecting her drinks and storming back to her desk.

Alexander glanced up from his desk when he noticed the girl approaching. “What got you so fired up?”

“Ask Karen.”

“It’s Kareem, Amy. Don’t be sour.” He corrected her. “And just give her some time to get used to you.”

“I already tried that.” she groaned, growing increasingly exasperated. “I think she hates me.”

Alex didn’t really know what else to say to her so he deviated from the topic to get her mind off it. “And I think Fallon will be here soon. You should start packing up.”

Amy looked at the clock hanging off the wall nearby and sighed. “You got a point.”

She pulled herself back up and placed the bottle of water she got from the vending machine on his desk before yawning. “See you next week, Al.”

“Get home safe.”

Amy nodded, picking up her school bag as she walked towards the elevator. After being brought to the lobby, she walked out the glass doors and looked around for a blue pickup.

Amy pulled out her phone to call Fallon before he pulled up a couple meters in front of her. She smiled and tucked her phone away before stepping closer to the truck, climbing inside and pulling the door shut before Fallon started driving off.

It was a relatively quiet ride home. Amy’s body was turned facing the window as she glared out at whatever passed her sight and Fallon kept eyeing her before looking back at the road. Eventually he sighed, shoulders slumping.

“Okay, what happened?”

“It’s nothing. Just an old case I was filing through that got under my skin.” Amy leaned back into her seat, crossing her arms and looking up at her brother.

Fallon hummed and nodded, immediately recognizing the reason behind her behavior. Amy had been aware about the heavy discrimination against puppets since she was much younger and could get very defensive about him and his dad being singled out.

“Don’t worry, we’re fine.”

He reached over and harshly ruffled her hair before lightly shoving her away and putting his hand back on the wheel with a laugh as Amy immediately protested and slapped his arm away, cursing him out as she did so.

“I’m telling dad that you’re bullying me.”

“No you won’t.”

“…no I won’t.”

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Tat-tat-tat-tat.

Amy excessively tapped her foot against the ground, knee hitting the bottom to the table repeatedly creating a quick and quiet noise that sounded throughout the library.

It was just her and a few other kids that she knew were in the same program as her. Being in FACE ment you could pick what weekdays you’re available to go to your career path of choice, on the days you chose not to go, being at school was mandatory. The program had a few advantages, one of which was that it took up 2-4 credits depending on what job you picked.

Amy’s choice gave her three credits so all she had to do was just attend one history class in the morning before going to the station for the rest of the day until either Michael or Fallon picked her up at two.

Amy had her chin in the palm of her hand as she scrolled through the internet, leaving her phone alone to charge.

She kept scrolling through website after website and playing a few old computer games, solitaire was enough to keep her busy the first couple rounds before she just kept going, motivated by sheer boredom. Eventually growing tired of what the computers had to offer, she pushed herself away from the computer to roll to the nearest outlet where her phone had been charging and picked it up.

87%

Close enough. Amy pulled the plug from both ends before wrapping it loosely around her fingers and pushing it down her pocket with the intent to put it in her bag later.

Putting in her passcode, her phone unlocked and she scrolled through some news articles before she all but fell out of her seat when she shot upright after coming across one of the most recent news clippings.

“Woman found dead behind at gas station”

"A Hispanic woman was found dead this morning behind the convenience store of a gas station. She was found by an employee who was taking out the trash when his coworker heard him scream before contacting emergency services. Now, as you can see behind me, investigators just arrived and are currently trying to assess this unfortunate situation.

Please be advised that the images we are about to show are not younger audiences and may be triggering for some viewers—"

Amy’s stomach dropped when she saw the image of the woman and what she looked like when she was alive, she nearly fell out of her seat.

“…Kareem?”

> Summary <

> Chapter 2: An Open File <

[lunasalix]

I really want to quit my job. This happens a few times per year for me, usually when I have an event coming up that I’m not particularly excited about (basically any event that’s not science or GSA related). 

This time, it’s a plethora of different issues coming together that have left me completely drained. 

I did that autism thing where communication is scary and difficult, so I decide to wait until I feel ready, but that doesn’t happen quickly enough and then it’s so late that the rejection-sensitive dysphoria kicks in and I freeze up thinking people will be mad at me for being so late in responding, so I wait until the very last possible second, then it really is too late. Self-fulfilling prophecy. So part of this is 100% my fault. I need to be open with my bosses about this issue and see if we can find a solution. 

Then, with finals week quickly approaching, I have fallen so far behind on so many other things because I’ve been so busy with meetings and trainings during all of my planning periods that my grading, attendance calls, failure calls, actually writing the exams, and other paperwork crap has gone to the wayside. I have been refusing to work outside of contract hours except the week leading up to an event (of which I’ve planned and hosted 4 this semester with the 5th this Friday). I’m tired and stressed and this mountain of work looming over me is not helping. 

In addition, the event that I had carefully planned for GSA in early January - a visit from 3 local drag artists - was canceled because of the stupid, bigoted politics in my state. If we still had the old principal, I’d go right over his head and sneak to make the event happen anyway. However, the new principal is in a delicate position as interim and as a black man in a position of power, plus he’s a great leader, so I don’t want to jeopardize him in any way. I’m just mad that drag queens existing in public is being equated to telling Latinx student to go back to their countries. Like, one is artistic expression and the other is just being an asshole. 

I’m also mad that our old principal is apparently spying on the new one by communicating with people who still work in the building and he keeps calling the new principal trying to convince the latter to do things the way the former would have. Our school is improving on every metric and you really have the gall to think that your crusty ass has better ideas than the new guy? Fuck all the way off. 

But I’m also conflicted about some of the new principal’s decisions. He wants to fix the fact that we have multiple fights per week in the building, so his solution is to arrest every student who fights. I feel like that’s damaging to throw black kids from the projects straight through the school-to-prison pipeline for something that is clearly an issue of emotional regulation and self-preservation, but who am I to tell a black man what is best for black children? 

I also feel like I’ve taken on way too much. I’m team lead - which involves meeting with admin to create agendas for the meetings on my side of the building, planning events for quarterly student celebrations on my side of the building, and developing initiatives for improvement, all of which are used as a model for the rest of the building because my side is the highest performing. I’m also a sponsor for GSA, which used to meet once per week during study hall, but now that study hall is gone, they meet during lunch. We got new help this year from an outside organization that I thought would take some of the load off, but it’s created a ton of infighting with the students and the “help” constantly wants to have events while doing very little of the planning or funding for those events, and they need constant support to control the kids because none of the kids like them. Then I’m the sole faculty sponsor for Student Government, which means I have to plan, fund, and host every major event in the building - homecoming, cominghome, all pep rallies, prom, spirit weeks, seasonal celebrations, etc. Every time I have sought outside help in this role, the people I who offer to help end up not doing anything, but they don’t tell me until the last minute so I end up having to clean up their messes days before the event. This has happened 3 times with 3 different people. When I ask admin for support, they always agree that I shouldn’t do it on my own, but offer not help in actually getting someone else to take on some of these tasks. I don’t even like any of the events Student Government runs. I didn’t attend them when I was in high school, and I still wouldn’t if I wasn’t the one having to put it all together. I got tricked into the position by a senior staff member telling little baby teacher me that it only involved signing off on things and that the students do all the work. In addition, I’m the sole union representative in the building, so every time the union has a campaign, I have to organize my coworkers single-handedly, which can only be done outside of normal work hours. This is yet another position I was volun-told for. Then I somehow ended up on all these district-wide committees that involve multiple meetings throughout the year. 

I just want to teach my classes. I have 4 different courses which are meant to be highly hands-on, with lots of community involvement, field trips, labs, guest speakers, job shadows, and more. Until this year, my career pathway was the best run in the school. Now that an actually good teacher moved into one of the other pathways, I’m seeing what mine could be if I didn’t have so much else on my plate and could actually focus on my classes. My kids are complaining that they don’t get as many opportunities as the other pathway now. It makes me so sad and I feel like I’m failing them. 

In addition, my sophomores this year are giving me a run for my money. When I first started, 5 years ago, I had the most difficult group of sophomores I have ever taught. 60% had disabilities, 50% had major behavioral issues, and they had not had an English teacher in 3 years because they kept making their English teachers quit - so reading comprehension was dismal. BUT! They learned. They became my favorite group that I have ever taught by the 3rd year in my pathway. This year’s group have been on the scientific method for 2.5 months. Yesterday’s opening question was, “Which step of the scientific method do you think is most important, and why?” which I told them was purely opinion-based. After 5 long minutes of silence, the most academically talented student in the class raised her hand slowly and asked, “Ms. X, what is the scientific method?” It was all I could do not to cry. In 5 years of teaching this, I have never had a group take more than 2 weeks to catch on. The assistant principal witnessed the entire thing and said that there is nothing more I can do to help them understand it - the learning is on them and they are choosing not to partake. That broke me. I have never had trouble motivating students. I have never had a group just refuse the most fun labs of the year until this one. 

I feel like a failure. I know it’s not true, but it feels that way. In addition, I feel like everyone in the building kind of hates me right now. I lost the teacher of the year vote, and I have yet to be awarded teacher of the month as well (which is decided by the previous teacher). I’ve had several teacher express disappointment that I haven’t been doing more in some of my roles this year. I feel disconnected, unwanted, and unsupported. 

I feel like the only way out of all of the extra roles I’ve accumulated is to quit, but I worked so hard to build my program that it feels wasteful to just leave it all behind. I had to build my curriculum for 4 courses from scratch. The entire district uses the curriculum I built. I also don’t know what else I would do. Finding a decent paying job in science is impossible without some type of medical degree. I just want to be outside sharing nature with people of all backgrounds and ages. Why is that so hard? 

[fortheloveofwonderland]

90 Days | S.R (Part 2/12)

Not my gif

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Chapter Summary - Spencer finds himself in hot water with Emily when his drinking is brought to light. You’re left reeling after your encounter with him.

Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader

Category - angst with happy ending, smut in later chapter

Content Warnings - usual CM case related stuff, concerned JJ and Emily, brief mentions of Maeve, mentions of drinking and dilaudid, introduction of OC - your best friend Callie, vague mentions of readers mom walking out on her, swearing

Word Count - 5.4K

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Chapter Two

You sighed heavily once the door was firmly closed behind you feeling somewhat foolish.

You’d heard the lines. You’d heard all the lines.

It’s not you, it’s me.

You deserve better.

I’m not in the right headspace.

I need time.

And now you could add I’m just not that kind of man, to the list.

It was fine, you weren’t a stranger to rejection. It was the lies that bothered you. If Spencer wasn’t into it, which he clearly wasn’t, you wished he was man enough to tell you straight.

He hadn’t even asked for your number so that was it, you would surely never see him again.

And you wished that didn’t upset you to think.

You weren’t looking for someone, you didn’t need anyone. But if that were the case why was your whole body aching for Spencer, a man you just met?

You were happy alone, for the most part anyway. It was at least easier being alone. But he’d reignited something inside you that you were sure had long ago burnt out.

It wasn’t just that he was beautiful. He was sweet and even in the face of his darkness he managed to make you laugh. He had kind eyes. He was awkward, a little dorky and definitely more than a little broken but you’d felt drawn to him.

And that kiss. My god, that kiss. It felt like the stars and planets aligned in that kiss.

But of course, he hadn’t felt it. And that shouldn’t bother you as much as it did.

He was just a guy you tried to tell yourself as you made your way through to the bedroom. You kicked off your shoes without bothering to turn on the light.

You hoped at least you’d helped. Spencer was clearly struggling more than he’d even admitted and you hoped listening and allowing him to tell his story helped even in the slightest.

You took off your coat and tossed it on the floor and stripped off your jeans which joined them. You wondered if he’d tell his fed friends about the woman that couldn’t keep her hands to herself. The woman he’d poured his heart out too and she’d then taken it too far.

With a sigh your blouse joined the rest of the clothes and you slipped under the cool duvet. You stared at the ceiling in the dark.

You wouldn’t sleep, you rarely did. Aside from a few hours here and there when you passed out from exhaustion on the couch you hardly ever got to sleep. Not anymore.

Maybe the reason you wanted Spencer to spill his heart to you was partly selfish. When you were focused on someone else’s demons you weren't thinking about your own.

It worked. Listening to Spencer recount every horrible detail that had happened to him and staring into his beautiful eyes, your mind hadn’t once thought of anything other than the incredible man in front you.

His story had been harrowing to say the least and it did put your own issues into perspective. But despite the subject matter you had loved listening to Spencer talk.

He spoke with conviction which you assumed came with the territory of working for the FBI. He somehow managed to tell his story as though it had happened to someone else and he was simply recounting their memories.

He had an awkward air about him nonetheless. You’d seen it in the way he played with his watch or rubbed his eyes or drummed his fingers on the table as though he just couldn’t sit still. It had been a stark contrast from seeing him so motionless at the bar earlier in the night.

When he spoke, he spoke only to you, as if you were the only two people in the world. You could tell that although the words were new to him, ones he’d never dared fully speak out loud, his story was planned and calculated as though he’d run it over in his head thousands of times.

You supposed he probably had.

You could still feel him on your lips and you ran your fingers over them in absent mind. You could feel his body pressed up against yours, the way he held you so close as you kissed.

Which begged the question, where had it gone wrong? Had you been completely delusional to think that he’d been enjoying it as much as you had?

You tried to shake these thoughts off. It didn’t matter anyway. It was done and he was gone and once again you were alone.

But why for the first time, did being alone feel so lonely?

***

Spencer stifled a yawn as he made his way out the elevator and into the BAU offices the next morning. He’d had a long shower when he’d gotten home last night, mostly to try and scrub the whiskey out of his pores.

He’d slept a little but it had been strained, like usual. He hadn’t had a good night's sleep since before prison.

His hair was a mess, more so than usual as he just didn’t have the energy to try and tame it and he had at least a week's worth of stubble growth on his face.

His clothes weren’t neatly pressed as they once had been. Things such as pressing his clothes and doing his hair seemed so trivial to him nowadays. His clothes were at least clean he supposed.

He tugged at his burgundy cardigan he wore over his shirt and tie as he made his way to his desk and set his satchel down on the floor. As he slipped into his chair he stifled another yawn.

“Where the hell were you?” The voice was loud and frustrated and Spencer knew it was directed at him.

He looked up to see Jennifer Jareau storming towards him.

He never did get around to returning her calls.

“Good morning to you too Jennifer.” He replied.

“I called you last night! Over and over again. Where were you?” She ignored his words.

“I was at home.” He shrugged.

“Don’t lie to me Spencer.” She folded her arms across her chest. “I went to your apartment after my fifth call went unanswered. Where were you?” Her tone softened a little. “I was so worried about you.”

“I’m not a baby JJ.” He muttered. “You don’t need to worry about me all the time.”

“Well I do. I can’t help it. Where were you?” She asked again.

Spencer sighed.

“I went for a walk. I needed to clear my head.”

JJ stepped a little closer to him.

“A walk? Right through a brewery?” She fished in her pocket and subtly handed him a piece of gum.

Spencer took it sheepishly and popped it in his mouth.

“I needed to clear my head.” He repeated, feeling guilty for getting caught out.

“You should have called.” JJ chewed her lip looking at her friend. Had things really gotten so bad that he had turned to drink? This wasn’t Spencer. This wasn’t her old friend. She was suddenly overcome with worry for him.

“I wanted to be alone.” It was true, he had wanted to be alone. You had just kind of happened.

JJ could tell her was holding something back. She was a profiler and she’d known Reid for long enough to know that wasn’t the whole story.

“You’re keeping something from me.” She stated.

Spencer knew lying to her was futile. But he also didn’t want to tell her the truth.

He pushed himself up from the chair and stepped closer to her and when he spoke his words were barely above a whisper.

“JJ, you are my best friend and I love you. But I don’t have to tell you every facet of my life.”

“Spencer.” JJ looked at him sadly.

“I’m ok. Everything is ok. You don’t need to be worried about me, I promise.”

Before JJ could reply, Prentiss stepped out of her office and her voice carried throughout the bullpen.

“We’ve got a case.” Was all she said before she headed to the board room. It was unspoken that they would all follow.

Spencer gave JJ what he hoped was a reassuring smile before he headed past her to the stairs.

JJ cared, he knew that. She worried about him and he understood why. But he wasn’t that kid he had been when he first joined the bureau, despite the fact that’s how everyone still saw him.

Sometimes he wished they didn’t care. At least not in such a way that made him feel so smothered all the time.

You had seemed to care. You’d seemed to care in a way an old friend would. Enough to listen but not so much that it became stifling.

He shook his head as he entered the board room, hoping to shake you from his mind entirely.

***

“And I don't even care to shake these zipper blues,

And we don't know just where our bones will rest.

To dust I guess forgotten and absorbed

Into the earth below.”

The music filled the apartment, floating down to your ears as you drummed along with your fingers on the table. You were a sucker for nineties rock.

You hummed along as you held the pencil in your hand, sketching on the paper beneath. You hadn’t had a plan when you’d started drawing but a familiar pair of eyes were definitely starting to form on the page.

As a freelance writer for various publications across DC, you had a lot of free time on your hands. You’d sent in drafts of a few articles you’d been working on to their respective editors and probably wouldn’t hear anything back until tomorrow.

And when you had free time, you drew.

Sometimes you decided ahead of time what you wanted to draw and sometimes like today you drew off the cuff. As you started sketching in messy hair, you knew what your brain and your hand had come up with today.

You put the pencil down and stared at the half finished sketch of Spencer. You were a pretty good artist but you couldn’t convey that face. You couldn’t do it justice.

You pushed yourself out of the chair as your phone chimed with an incoming message. As usual your chest clenched at the sound.

Your hand was a little shaky as you reached for the device but you allowed yourself to breathe when you saw it was only Callie, your best friend.

📲 Callie Jones: Coffee at Paddy’s, 2pm? X

You looked at the time, it was a little before one. You typed a reply quickly agreeing to meet your friend before you headed to the bathroom.

Once inside with the door closed you turned on the shower and waited for the water to heat the room. You didn’t undress until the steam had coated the room, obscuring the mirror.

You stripped off your sweatpants and long sleeved t-shirt before stepping in and standing under the heavy flow. The water caressed your body the way only a shower could. You felt your shoulders relax and the weight lifted ever so slightly.

You closed your eyes as you lathered your hair with shampoo. Spencer’s face greeted you, his large eyes and lop-sided smile. You sighed to yourself, how long was this going to keep happening for?

Men had gotten stuck in your head before, of course they had, but not like this, not after one meeting. And not after getting shot down the way you had last night.

You ran over the details of his story in your head as you showered. You couldn’t even begin to imagine what he had gone through in prison. He told you he had passed the time counting down hours and minutes and seconds he was in there, but surely that could only pass so much time.

You wondered what he did with the rest of his time. When he’d paid for his drinks you saw three books in his bag. How much did he read in prison? What did he read? Did he enjoy the books or were they just a device to take his mind off of what was going on around him?

You thought about what he’d told you of the beatings he’d received. He hadn’t gone into too much detail on that matter and he didn’t mention any stretches in the infirmary so you hoped he didn’t suffer too much. But you knew it must have been hell.

You wondered how his stint in prison had changed him as a person. You would have liked the chance to get to know him better, the Spencer he was now and maybe over time you would have learnt more about the Spencer he was before.

The fact that he was still standing, working and going out said a lot about him as a person. If you were in his shoes you didn’t think you would ever be able to function properly again. He was braver and stronger than he gave himself credit for.

He’d mentioned some of his team during the course of his story whether he realised it or not. You remembered the name Luke, who had come to his aid in Mexico. Emily, who you pieced together was probably his boss. And you remembered JJ being mentioned frequently, who you had thought was his girlfriend at first but the more Spencer spoke of her, the less you got that impression.

He spoke of his team members with fondness but you got the impression he wished they wouldn’t worry so much about him. He’d mentioned he was the youngest on his team so it made sense why they would worry so much, but you also understood why the over concern could get grating.

The big thing you took from it was how much he loved his job. He was clearly struggling getting back into the line of fire and you couldn’t imagine what kind of triggers he faced on a daily basis. But his passion for his job shone through all that. You could see it in the way his eyes lit up a little when he mentioned the BAU and when he’d told you he was a profiler he practically glowed. You got the feeling that maybe work was all he had.

You finished showering and turned off the water. You stepped out the tub and grabbed a towel off the rack, wrapping it tightly around your body.

It had been one night. Why was he playing on your mind this way? For years there had only been one man that occupied your brain but after one chance meeting and a few hours of conversation, Spencer had completely taken over your mind.

Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe you needed something else to focus on. You rolled your eyes at this thought. A guy who clearly isn’t interested in you Y/N, yeah a great focus of your energy.

***

The case had taken them to Boston on the hunt for a serial killer with a penchant for college aged blondes. Their early profile put their unsub in his late teens to early twenties, possibly killing his victims as substitutes for his real rage; most likely an ex-girlfriend.

Melissa Tanner, Jodie Laine and Holly Willis were all students of Northeastern University, between the ages of eighteen and twenty. Garcia couldn’t find a connection between the girls, Melissa was a theatre major from North Carolina, Jodie a chemistry major from Maine and Holly majored in sociology and was a Boston local.

All three girls were found dead on campus with several stab wounds to the chest and they had all been sexually assaulted. Melissa was found in her dorm room by her roommate. Jodie was found in the courtyard by a fellow student who they had already interviewed and Holly was found outside the campus coffee house she worked in after she had closed up for the night.

They had no leads to begin with. No DNA or prints were found at any of the crime scenes and no one had seen anything suspicious.

There were no signs of forced entry at Melissa’s dorm room so they pieced together that she probably knew him and that he wouldn’t look out of place on a college campus.

It had been a long day of interviews and inspecting crime scenes so they were all relieved when Prentiss called it a day and dismissed everyone for the night.

“Reid, a word before you go.” She called the youngest agent on her team as everyone was getting ready to leave the room the Boston PD had allocated for their time there.

He swallowed and hung back without a word while the other agents left the room. Rossi, the last out, closed the door behind him.

Prentiss sighed in a way that told him this wasn’t going to be a light and breezy conversation.

“Reid I know you’re going through a lot.” She began to which Spencer couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like in there.”

“No, you can’t.” He replied rather harshly. “What is this about Emily?”

She stepped a little closer to him.

“I’ve had people expressing concerns about you today.”

“Who?” He frowned. “JJ?”

Prentiss nodded.

“Among others, Delaney included.”

Delaney was the lead detective from Boston PD on the case.

“Why is he concerned for me?”

“The same reason I am.” She rolled her lip between her teeth. “Reid, I don’t know how to put this lightly but...you stink of booze.”

Shit.

He had come to his government job smelling of whiskey from the previous night. He’d been caught out by his boss and members of Boston law enforcement.

Shit.

“I..well I…” Spencer Reid wasn’t often lost for words and if he ever found himself struggling for something to say, the genius would recite facts and statistics based on the topic of conversation.

But he didn’t think it would help the situation if he told Prentiss that twenty five point eight percent of Americans were binge drinkers or that seven point nine percent were classed as alcoholics.

He didn’t think telling her that four hundred and fourteen thousand American’s between the ages of twelve and seventeen suffered from alcohol dependency or that an estimated ninety five thousand Americans died from alcohol related causes annually which made it the third leading preventable cause of death in the US.

None of these facts and figures were going to make this situation any less uncomfortable or awkward. No amount of statistics would make this go away.

“Reid, you know how bad this is, don’t you?” Prentiss’ facial expression was soft and stern all in one.

She was conflicted. Spencer was her friend but she was also his boss. She wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because she knew what he’d been through. But even still, they both knew this was bad.

“I had my last drink seven hours, ten minutes and forty six seconds before I reported for work.” He spoke. “I showered. I slept. I had three cups of coffee before I left my apartment and another one on the jet. If I didn’t think I was sober I wouldn’t have come into work. If I didn’t think I could do my job, I wouldn’t be here now.”

“Nevertheless Spence,” she sounded torn. “I can’t let you work this case, not now Delaney’s spoken up. I could smell you on the jet but I let it slide because I know you and I know you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t fit to be. But now someone in an outside law enforcement agency has brought it up, I can’t let you carry on with the case.”

“I’m fine Emily.”

“No Spencer you’re not. And you haven’t been for a long time and that’s ok after what you’ve been through.”

“I’m fine!” He raised his voice. “I’ve dealt with what happened to me. I saw the department therapist you assigned me to. I took time off. I am fine.”

“Then tell me this.” She sounded stern again. “Before last night, when was the last time you had a drink?”

Four years, seven months, two weeks and four days.

Spencer had never been a big drinker. He used to have the occasional whiskey or glass of wine when the team gathered but that was usually his lot.

But after his addiction to dilaudid some years ago he swore off any kind of narcotic. Alcohol included.

Until that day four years, seven months, two weeks and four days ago he’d watched Maeve, the only woman he’d ever loved, shot to death in front of his own eyes.

That night he’d drank. He’d drank to excess. And in the morning he’d promised himself never again and went straight to a NA meeting.

“I don’t know.” He decided to say instead.

Prentiss raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yes you do.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I am your superior and I’m asking you a question.”

“Four years, seven months, two weeks and four days.” He spoke so quickly it almost sounded like one long word.

“Maeve.” Prentiss did the quick maths in her head and figured it out.

Spencer’s jaw clenched hearing her name out loud.

“Why does that even matter?”

“Because Spencer,” she stepped a little closer, softening her expression. “You haven’t drank since the night she died. A horrible, horrible night in your life. And then you drank last night. That tells me you are far from being fine.”

“Is this a therapy session?” He folded his arms in annoyance.

“No I just think-“

“Well don’t.” Spencer cut her off. “I am fine. I don’t need you or the rest of the team to worry about me. There are fourteen thousand two hundred and two students currently enrolled at Northeastern college, with fifty two percent of them being female. The time between his first two kills was seven days. The time between his next two was four days, meaning we could have another victim by morning. He hasn’t shown any signs of devolving, he’s only getting more confident. I think that is a little more pressing than my so-called problems.”

Prentiss exhaled thinking over Spencer’s words. She knew he was right, they needed all hands on deck on the case. But she couldn’t let this slide.

She stepped very close to Spencer now, which made him feel uncomfortable. When she spoke her voice was a whisper.

“I want to be very clear.” She looked him dead in the eyes. “I don’t want to see you outside of the hotel until this case is over. You are not working on this case.”

Her words said one thing, but the look in her eyes said another. And Spencer had known her long enough to know which one to pay attention to.

“Ok.” He nodded. “Got it.”

Prentiss nodded too and stepped back. She turned and grabbed a handful of files off the table.

She turned back and handed them to Spencer.

“Make sure they get where they need to go.”

They exchanged another knowing look.

Spencer took the files and stuffed them in his messenger bag. He turned and headed to the door.

As he reached it, Prentiss spoke again.

“And Spencer.”

He looked at her over his shoulder.

“Don’t make me regret this.”

He gave her a nod of understanding before leaving the room and heading straight out of the precinct, not making eye contact with anyone on his way.

He should feel ashamed for getting caught. He should feel embarrassed that Delaney had noticed the alcohol on his breath. He should feel bad that Emily had had to call him out like this.

But he didn’t.

He didn’t feel any of those things.

Once again, Spencer just felt numb.

***

You hurried down the street in the direction of Paddy’s, panting a little as you went.

You were already fifteen minutes late, not that that was much of a surprise.

You rounded the corner, narrowly avoiding crashing straight into a man on a cell phone. You panted an apology without stopping.

You reached Paddy’s, throwing the door open and spotting Callie straight away at the table in the corner.

“Sorry, sorry I was…I’m late, I’m just late.” you laughed knowing you didn’t have an excuse for being late.

Callie laughed too, she was used to your scatterbrained nature and you being late was nothing new.

“I ordered you a coffee.” Callie told you instead of making fun of your time keeping.

“My angel.” you blew her a kiss which Callie jokingly grabbed mid air and put in her pocket making both of you laugh again.

You had met Callie Jones when you were a couple of scrawny, geeky pre-teens. Callie was the ying to your yang; the salt to your pepper. You were best friends, sisters, soul mates.

Callie got you in a way no one had before. As you’d grown up and Callie had become the beautiful, popular cheerleader while you were the artsy bookworm, Callie never once turned her back on you.

When you were the victim of the other kids teasing and taunting, Callie had been there. Callie had seen you at your worst and vice versa. You brought out the best in each other, you knew each other’s darkest secrets.

“It’s the least I could do after bailing on you last night.” Callie gave you a sympathetic smile as she tucked her poker straight blonde hair behind her ear.

To say you two friends were polar opposites would be an understatement at best. You came from two different worlds.

Callie was a trust fund kid whilst your dad had been working class, working sometimes as many as four jobs at once just to make ends meet after your mother had left when you were barely two years old.

Callie, being primed to take over her fathers business was rarely seen out of a well tailored suit whereas you were more a jeans and sneakers and oversized sweatshirt kind of girl.

But your differences never played a part in your friendship. You loved each as though you were sisters and money or status would never get in the way of that.

“Let me guess,” you started as your coffee was brought over. “Eric?”

Callie smiled a little shyly as she looked down at the huge diamond on her finger.

“Sorry.” She repeated. “He came home from his business trip a day early to surprise me.”

Callie and Eric had been together nearly ten years now and engaged for three. Their wedding was in three months and you were the maid of honour.

“Glad someone got laid last night.” you sighed as you spoke, not meaning to sound so pathetic.

Callie raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow at you.

“What does that mean? Did you meet someone?” Her tone was surprised but not in a nasty way.

You just weren’t one for opening yourself up to men. You'd rather be alone and after what you had been through, Callie understood why.

“Eh.” you shrugged, sipping your coffee. “Kind of. I don’t know. It was weird.”

“What’s weird is we’ve been sitting here nearly two minutes and you haven’t told me all the details of this mystery man. Spill bitch!”

You laughed.

“There really isn’t anything to tell.” you knew you wouldn’t get off the hook that easily so you continued. “His name is Spencer and he’s a profiler for the FBI.”

“Colour me impressed.” Callie grinned around her mug of chai tea. “Continue.”

“He was cute. Tall, skinny, long messy hair. Kind of awkward.”

“Just your type.”

“Painfully true.” you laughed in agreement. “He was in a bad place. Like dark as shit.” you didn’t want to go into specifics. You told Callie everything but this wasn’t your story to tell. “He spent an hour or so telling me this story, it was harrowing Cal. But he seemed like he really needed to get out of his system. Then he walked me home and I invited him up for a night cap.”

“AKA sex.” Callie saw right through her.

You rolled her eyes.

“It wasn’t just about that. I don’t know, we connected. I just wasn’t ready to stop spending time with him.” you shrugged sadly. “Anyway, we were in the elevator and I couldn’t stop thinking how freaking gorgeous he looked so I just kissed him. I don’t know what came over me because he didn’t show any signs of actually being interested in me but I couldn’t stop myself. And he kissed me back.”

“But you didn’t get laid? Oh god please don’t tell me you just spent all night talking.” Callie made it sound as though talking were the worst thing in the world.

“We didn’t even get that far.” you sighed. “I went to let us in my apartment and he just changed, like a switch had been flipped. Said he wasn’t this kind of guy and that sex was a big deal to him. Clearly he wasn’t interested; he just didn’t want to say as much.” you wrapped your hands around your coffee mug tightly as though for comfort.

“Or, have you considered the fact that he really isn’t that kind of guy. Maybe he wanted to take things slow. He kissed you so he was obviously interested.”

“I think I just caught him off guard. He didn’t even ask for my number.”

“You like him.” Callie stated in a matter of fact way.

“No I don’t.” you scoffed like the idea was completely ludicrous.

“Oh ok.” Callie rolled her eyes. “Are you forgetting that I’ve known you for like a million years and that I know you inside out?”

“It doesn’t matter if I like him. I’ve got no way of contacting him so I’ll probably never see him again.”

Suddenly Callie was reaching in her purse for her phone.

“Did you get his last name?”

“Oh no.” you knew what she was doing. “You are not googling him.”

“Last name please.” She insisted.

You sighed knowing resistance was futile.

“Reid. Spencer Reid.”

“Ok. Spencer Reid FBI.” She typed away on her phone. “Ohh he is so your type.”

“There’s a photo?” You blushed.

Callie nodded and turned the phone to show you.

You felt butterflies stirring in your stomach as his face looked back at you.

Callie looked back at the phone and clicked on the top article.

“FBI Special Agent Doctor Spencer Reid,” she read out loud. “Doctor.” She gave you a look and you just blushed. “Born in nineteen eighty one so that makes him...thirty seven. Holy shit he has an IQ of one hundred eighty seven.”

“What?” you almost choked on her coffee. “No wonder he wasn’t interested in me, he probably thought I was a complete idiot.”

“Oh shush.” Callie scalded you. “It says the young genius saved an eleven year old girl from near death by talking an “unsub” into giving himself up.” Callie surmised the article. “Doctor Reid with the Behavioral Analysis Unit of Quantico, Virginia used his extensive profiling skills to talk a serial child killer Malcolm Boyd into handing over his gun and being taken into custody whilst having a point thirty eight revolver pointed directly at him.” She read this part verbatim. “Jesus Christ Y/N, I remember reading about that psycho. He killed like ten kids or something. This Spencer guy is kinda amazing.”

You blushed again.

“When was that article from?”

Callie scrolled back to the top of the article.

“November twenty sixteen.”

Before he went to prison and his life changed.

“I can see why you like him. Smart, cute, impressive job.”

“I don’t like him.” you groaned. “Can we stop this now?” you reached across the table and removed Callie’s phone from her hand. “How’s wedding planning going?”

“Oh you know, same old. I suggest something, Eric hates it. We do it anyway.” She chuckled. “Oh that reminds me, bridesmaid dress shopping next week.”

Ah. A day you had been dreading since Callie asked you to be her maid of honour three years ago.

“Yippee.” you couldn’t even muster the enthusiasm.

“It’ll be fun.” Callie pleaded. “I promise we will find something you’re comfortable in.”

“Thanks Cal.”

“Anything for you.” Callie grinned.

You chatted away for a few hours after that, the way only old friends could.

And your mind only flicked to Spencer a couple of dozen times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[wizkiddx]

hiii!!! omg please please pleasee do a part two of 3 hearts broken cus it fucking slaps miss girl

part 2 to 3 broken hearts!!! ive been so 🥺 at all the lovely comments+interest pt 1 had so thanku all !

summary: serious serious angst again will tom somehow get it back (unlike looking cos boy is a fool)

warnings: again lots of swearing (im British sorry not sorry) / wayyyy too much tea / slating Dom abit (obvs fictional but idk if I like the guy sorry his opinions are :/) / commitment issues

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

read part 1 here!!!!

That was three days ago now. Three days since you'd spoken to your boyfrien- well, Tom. It wasn't evident what the situation was.

The typical British weather brought with it the most ironic pathetic fallacy you could ever see. The clouds were dark and glooming, firing angry pellets of rain out as hard as they could. When you had pulled up on the roadside, it had just been a light drizzle but synchronised with your anxiety levels rising - so did the rain. When you finally opened up the car door, you threw your hoodie open with a sigh before running up the pathway to the front door.

It was the same burgundy red that you knew so well, but this time instead of just letting yourself in - you stood in the rain used the brass knocker thing twice. To be honest, you were hoping that no one was home - but in that house, it was pretty unlikely. After 30 seconds of getting drenched in the downpour, you were about to let yourself in with the spare key before the door swung open.

"Oh! Er Y/n?"

"Yeh um hi." You had to shout a bit over the sound of what must now be classified as a storm.

"Toms not-"

"I know. Can I come in?" As awkward and stunted as this conversation was, if you didn't get out of the rain asap you would literally end up drowned.

“Oh er yeh-yeh yeh come in.”

Harry stammered as he held the door open, gesturing for you to enter into the tiled hallway. Gratefully, you followed, throwing your sopping wet hood back down and wiping your feet on the floor.

"Sorry for just showing up, but I left some scripts here. My management are on my arse to read them and-"

"And you waited till Tom left for mum and dads?" The fluffy-haired boy has caught you red-handed; there was no defence, so you didn't even try.

Because yes, you knew on a Friday afternoon when Tom was home he would always, like clockwork, go to his parents just to kick back and watch gogglebox with both of them. It was only natural then that you chose Friday afternoon to come and pick up your stuff.

"I've been waiting in my car for half an hour till I saw him leave." Harry half laughed at that, still the two of you standing opposite each other in the hallway. "Um, do you… do you hate me Harry?"

Clearly, he hadn't quite been expecting your question going by the way his eyes almost bugged out his head.

"No, I-I, of course, I don't… look, I'm home alone so you fancy a cuppa?" Not being able to help the small chuckle, you nodded appreciatively, following Harry through the house.

"Your answer to everything is tea."

Harry had prepared the two mugs in silence as you sat at the table waiting patiently - if nervously too. You didn't miss how Harry had still used your favourite mug, having had to dig through the cupboard to find the weird square-shaped thing. Once done, he rounded the kitchen island and placed it in front of you, which you instantly cradled in two hands - for the hope of warming you up.

"You cold?" Obviously, it was pretty evident that sitting in your rain-soaked hoodie was not cosy at all. "Hang on a sec."

The boy sprung up again, returning moments later with a hoodie in hand, one he offered out to you with a little smile. The issue was that him and Tom shared clothes, so the hoodie he was kindly offering to you also had been worn by Tom before. Which made it hurt a little bit to wear. It was better than sitting soaked through though.

"How have you been then?"

"Not the best, to be honest, but uh… how about you?"

"Being with Tom while he's fighting with you? Oh, it's a barrel of laughs. You might've escaped it, but I haven't." He was trying to lighten the mood, and you appreciated it, offering him a half-smile that didn't really meet your eyes.

"Yeh sorry about that."

"Don't apologise; it doesn't sound like it's your fault Y/n."

That surprised you. Tom, especially when he was in moods like he was when you argued, wasn't one to admit when he was wrong. It was usually how the world was against him and how he was so hard done by. Accepting responsibility was something he hadn't said to you yet - but at least, small steps.

"He say that?"

"Pretty much… doesn't seem like he's angry at you, but-but he's still angry."

"At the world?" You rolled your eyes; this seemed to be the same old Tom through and through. Still immature. Still not with the right mindset.

"At himself." Harry countered, slightly entertained, when he saw the flash of surprise in your face as he sipped his drink. "And me… if I dare to so much as breathe this week."

This time you properly laughed, and Harry joined in too before the room fell back to silence - except the noise of the rain hitting the garden patio slats. You swirled the tea round in your mug, feeling the brunette's eyes on you. He'd always been your fake little brother too, since you'd met the Hollands way back 3 and a half years ago. Tom and yourself were barely adults, which meant the twins were still proper children. Harry had always been the one that understood you. Hollands, by nature, loved humans - loved to talk, to chat, to gossip. But sometimes, doing all that socialising got too much for you, as it did for Harry. He was the only one that seemed to understand social exhaustion. So when those moments had hit, you'd kept each other company in silence.

He got you, sometimes in ways your own boyfriend didn't.

"You know why he got so worked up, right?" You shook your head, looking up curiously. "Dad got under his skin on his birthday zoom thing."

Ah, now that did seem to coincide with the start of Tom's more petulant phase. To be fair, Tom had been asking to move in together for near enough a year now - but it was only in the past month it seemed to be the only thing you'd talk about and obviously only three days since the flight back. Dom's birthday barely a week ago, whilst you and Tom were both filming - except Tom had managed to get a day off where you hadn't. So you hadn't heard this conversation.

"What'd he say?"

"Was talking about how he and mum were settling down at Toms age, joked about how you rejected him, said maybe you were holding out for something better."

"Something better?" Harry sighed, leaning forward onto his elbows.

"He'd seen an article just off a trashy tabloid… it named you Hollywood's golden girl or something, said you could have the pick of any person on the planet…"

Of all the people in the world, why is Tom affected by shit journalism? He knows how much bullshit people write. He knows how it's all made up, exaggerated nonsense. And what he should know, completely and totally, is how much you love him. And if he didn't, was that your fault? Had you done something wrong, something to make him doubt you?

Harry seemed to notice the internal dialogue going on in your head, adding to the point. "It wasn't the article though, it was the fact dad said it."

Hmmm.

You and Dom got on; it wasn't like you hated the possible future father in law or whatever. Just…. you had very different outlooks. As much as Tom prided himself on how' grounded his family keeps him' -to you at least, they aren't entirely at sea level either. They'd never really had any particular struggles in life. They were the definition of middle class, and that's about it. They lived in a posh suburb of London, had all their family still around. It was the perfect family.

And whilst you were in no illusions about how privileged your life was now. It hadn't always been. You'd never had the 'nuclear' family. Instead, only your dad and a string of dodgy and fleeting stepmothers while struggling to make ends meet. So you were just always wary of Dom, of his opinions that so often his boys took for gospel. They always seemed pretty sheltered and close-minded.

And yet, Tom was a grown man.

"I get that, I just… Tom should know that we know more about our relationship than his dad. I mean,… have I done something wrong? Made him think I'm not in this for the long haul?"

"No nonono Y/n he's just… well he's an idiot, isn't he? I don't think he properly understands why you're cautious about moving and everything. He's just an idio- "

Harry was cut off for lightly insulting his brother by the sound of the front door opening, both of your heads swivelling towards the source. You then met Harry's eyes in a panic, to which he replied relatively simply.

"Just talk to each other. For my sake." You would've argued if it weren't for the fact you were so focused on Tom's shuffling around in the entrance hallway - back early from his parents.

"Baz? Where you at? I thought I saw Y/n's car and-"

"Kitchen!!!" Before Tom could say anything else, possibly landing himself in more trouble, Harry interrupted as his chair screeched while standing up. And then Tom was just there. Standing in the doorway, his arms dropping limply to his side as he noticed you. Everything about that moment seemed to freeze, when you locked eyes with him for the first time in three days. It didn't go unnoticed, the way his Adams apple bobbed, the way his eyes widen. The boy looked plain and simply terrified.

It was Harry who broke the silence, after giving you a stern look that said 'stay'. The younger Holland boy walked up to Tom and spoke.

"Try actually talking and actually listening about your problems with each other." And then he was gone, down the hallway and up the stairs.

For a few moments, Tom stayed absolutely stationary, now staring at where Harry had been when speaking to the both of you (but mainly Tom). Long enough to put your sense of unease at an all-time high, ready to make a break for it.

"If you don't want to talk, then I can leav-"

"NO!" Apparently snapping out of it, Tom exclaimed loud enough to make you flinch from your seat. "Sorry! I-I just… I wasn't expecting to… you know, to see you."

"Yeh I just uh- just came to pick up some scripts… Harry cornered me with a tea, though; otherwise, I'd be…."

"Baz thinks the whole world could be fixed with tea."

"that's what I said!" You instinctively responded, forgetting the fact you're supposed to be mad at him, and just for a second falling back into your normal flow.

Tom didn't even try to hide his grin in response, until you quickly corrected your face- then he did too. Turning around to put the kettle on for himself. Because right now, he needed to fix his whole world, and he needed all the help he could get. For a period, the only noise was the sound of the kettle boiling, then the teaspoon clinking against the mug as he stirred - until he padded over, taking the seat across from you.

"So."

"So."

"It's been a while," Tom stated the bloody obvious.

"You never called."

"Didn't think you'd want me to."

You thought that the early signs weren't all that auspicious. His ability to read a situation once again failing.

"I wanted you to say something."

"Say what?"

"What do you think Tom?" He replied to the sarcastic tone by sucking in a sharp breath, holding it for a second, before slowly exhaling. As if trying to compose himself, take time to think of a response - a mature move for him.

"Well, I think you want me to say sorry? For being so moody and not waiting for you and for upsetting those kids. And thanks too, for covering for me?"

You just hummed. Waiting for him to continue. Because yes, you did deserve all those things. But you also deserved more. An apology for, oh I don't know, saying he didn't think you loved him? It was a wait that never ended, he had nothing more to add.

"Going by your face, I take it I missed something?"

The bloody cheek of it.

"Theres nothing else? Nothing else at all? …" You gave him that chance, the opportunity but all he could respond with was a shake of his head. "You thought I was fine about you saying that I don't love you?" You hadn't intended on raising your voice, but really you hadn't realised you did till after the fact. To blinded by rage at his ignorance.

"You want to talk about this now?"

"When else Tom?" You sighed, realising he perhaps wasn't ready for this conversation. Maybe he needed more time to think things through, have sense talked into him by various wiser family members. Or maybe, he never would be. That was the worst-case scenario. But also… you're most likely prediction.

He shuffled in his seat, clearing his voice but not saying anything. Not a peep.

"I have spent three years of my life with you. I've had countless nights of too little sleep because that was the only time you could facetime. I've exposed my relationship to the world and people's opinions because you didn't want to hide. All I've done is love you. How could you even say that?" There might've been tears in your eyes, yet you were determined to keep them at bay. You needed to have this out, one way or another, to be clear and cohesive and logical. No time to cry.

"Y/n I know that, I…" He sighed, instinctively reaching for your hand, but you were quicker to pull it away. There was hurt in his eyes, but so there should be. "It just sometimes feels like that's it for you. That yeh you love me but you just want to standstill. That this is as much as it'll ever be."

Your emotions were suddenly uncontainable. Your voice croaked as you whispered, "Have I done something wrong?"

"No love, nonono if that's how you feel then that's okay. But it's something I'm not… shit this is hard." He took a pause to take a sip of his drink, your glazed eyes never leaving his. "I don't think I can stand still anymore. And yeh I was pissy and childish the other day because my dad got under my skin about the whole moving in thing… But these past few days, it just has got me thinking. Because I love you, so much."

This time when he reached out to grab your hand, you actually leaned into it yourself. Not because you were giving in, but because this hurt. This hurt so fucking much that you needed something to ground you, or else god knows. Because the way he was speaking, it sounded so finite.

"I love you too."

"I do know, which is…is why this is so hard." At the very least, Tom had conceded that.

The conversation ceased to silence yet again. The room felt so cold; even Tom/Harry's hoodie was doing nothing to keep you from the endless empty cold that seemed to be coming from within.

"When I re-registered my health card last month, and I made you my emergency contact on it. I-I made you my next of kin on everything actually. I didn't think about it twice. And-and this-"You pulled your phone out of your back pocket, immediately pulling up the app onto the open page. "This is my Pinterest board for our baby's nursery theme. I know-" You paused, to quickly wipe your cheeks clear of the tear tracks that may or may not have been there. "I know it's probably a long way away, but I just love the Scandinavian theme." You laughed at yourself, suddenly embarrassed at your blabbering and quickly pulled up a different app. "And this… this was from the other week when I was helping Y/bf/n start her vows." Hands trembling as you turned the phone around for Tom to see again. "She was finding it really tricky so she said, what would you say to Tom on your wedding, so-so I made this list." You only dared to look at him when you were sure he'd be reading through that note.

It was bizarre because he looked… well, he looked happy. Here you were feeling traumatised, showing things that you'd barely even deeped how committed they were - and he was pleased? Feeling the fire burn once again inside of your chest, you quickly swiped the phone away and back into your pocket. Only then did he look up, eyes widening - presumably at quite how psychotic you looked.

"So don't you dare say that I don't want a future with you."

You said it with such force, there was a pause. Tom letting those words sink deep into his brain. The way his expression flickered minutely gave you hope. You thought he got it. You thought he really understood now.

"But why don't you want to move in then?"

There it was again. He knew why. But he didn't get it. And, probably, he never would.

You were about to crash completely. So you ran. As fast as your legs could carry you, not even aware of your chair crashing to the floor in your wake. You ran out of that house and away from him. Away from who you had thought was the love of your life.

?give tom a final chance w one last part?

feedback is always v v appreciated <3

tom taglist : @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala @tom-softie @sunwardsss @spiitfiiires @radcloudenthusiast @ladykxxx08

people i think might be interestd in this (sorry if not just let me know and i'll remove the tag!!!): @obiwanownsmyass @wildxwidow @parkersvogue @coffeewithoutcaffeine @tomhollandlol @thefallenbibliophilequote @clumsymandu @hiraethenthusiast @mannien @abrielleholland @evermorehabit @niallberry @greatpizzascissorstaco @runawayolives @annathesillyfriend @letsgotothemoonlight @lovelybarnes

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

ok seeing you of all people being shook and starting to doubt has seriously thrown me… I am now super sad. I am debating skipping the season and ditching the show altogether. I am tired of being queerbaited, don’t wanna sit through it again. don’t wanna watch a gay character be sad and gay and pining over someone only to get rejected and the het teens be propped up. pass. it’s 2022. don’t wanna support that shit anymore

Alright, deep breaths. In & Out. In & Out.

Count to ten.

Ok, ready.

I apologize. It was a very rough day at work today. One of the kids was extremely emotional, and, for an empath like me, that can have a profound impact on my mood. I was definitely not in my best, most logical, frame of mind when I was checking this stuff out.

I do have a big fear of being queerbaited, or simply even just having a gay character, particularly a gay teen, end up sad and alone or with some token, undeveloped love interest. That's a personal issue of mine that has, understandably, influenced my reception to certain things about media, including Stranger Things.

I want to look at what we've had lately in a more rationale way, though.

We've had a bunch of interviews, at least one of which was actually done a while ago, but only now just printed.

In these interviews, Mike and El's relationship in season 4 is spoken about using some very interesting language. They are described as being "married, with no possibility of divorce," "they don't have a normal life and this is the way it is for them," and "they haven't had anyone else to like." In another interview, Finn describes El like "a piece of you that you can't get off of you" and "a leech." It was said jokingly, but it's a very odd turn of phrase. None of it sounds romantic, regardless of how often either of them claim Mike and El are in love.

It sounds like they're just resigned to each other, as if there simply isn't any other option. They could only ever have each other.

This makes their goodbye scene in season 3 make a lot more sense, actually. El, feeling everything falling apart, reaches back for Mike in a way that surprises him. He clearly wasn't expecting it, and, in fact, didn't appear to want it. His freakout can now be explained in a different way.

"Oh, shit. She says she loves me, too. What the hell do I do now?"

Mike can't break up with her. She'd be devastated. He's all she has, and she already lost Hopper. I don't know if Mike had any gay revelation at that point anymore, but I do think he realized how utterly screwed he was. He cares far too much for El to hurt her, and so he now feel like he's, well, stuck. He screwed up by saying he loved her in the first place, something she was never meant to hear.

Now he comes to visit. El is very excited, possibly the happiest she's been since she left. What's Mike to do? In his mind, he has no choice but to do the expected thing. He's going to be the good boyfriend to her, giving her whatever it is that need needs.

His and El's relationship is already just like his parents' relationship. One can assume that Karen and Ted loved each other, or at least though they did, at one point. The problem was that neither one ever took the step of recognizing the relationship was never meant to be. Nancy noticed it with Steve, so she ended it. Steve was broken up, as he really did like her, but he got over it, even learning to appreciate Nancy in a non-romantic way.

Mike hasn't learned this. Yet.

We know that Jonathan and Mike will have some moments together. Finn had mentioned that he shared a lot of scenes with Charlie (obviously) and that people would be checking up on Mike. It's reasonable to think that Jonathan might have a man-to-man with Mike. Jonathan is aware that Karen and Ted are miserable together. Nancy told him all about it. I think Jonathan might pick up on something being wrong, and he might be able to get things out of Mike that he's not willing to say to anyone else.

Jonathan is also El's big brother now. He doesn't want to see El get hurt. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Mike, she's more likely to be hurt in the long term by being in an empty relationship than she is by being set free.

Regardless of what happens with Mike and Will, the situation with Mike and El needs to be resolved. They do not appear to be in love. El feels like she has no other option, and Mike is so afraid of hurting her that he's going to just go along with it. He might be dealing with some other stuff, yes, but that would just be in addition to him feeling obligated to being with El.

It's a very sad situation, actually, but it can all work out for the best with the one thing that Mike has been bad at.

Honesty.

Stop lying, Mike.

As for the whole situation with Will, well...

He was twice described as being a third wheel to Mike and El in Noah's newest interview. That's not terribly unusual in and of itself. In fact, it really does go along with what we saw in the trailer. What makes me think is the fact that Noah brought it up the second time when asked about Will's own chances at romance. This is an unforced reference. He answered by mentioning it's the same old Will, always struggling to find a relationship. When did Will ever seem to do that? He says we see that, referring to him struggling to find a relationship, by him third wheeling. That makes little sense, even from a teenager. He linked the two situations together.

Yes, if one struggles to find a relationship, they may end up being stuck as a third wheel. However, we've never seen Will pursue a relationship. Not in any explicit manner, anyway. If we combine this with that fact that he's "struggling to find himself," then we see a clearer picture.

Will is realizing he's gay. He may have had the feelings all along, but this might be the start to him actually be aware of what it is. Being a third wheel is never fun, but for Will it will be particularly rough because he will realize, maybe for the first time, maybe not, that the one he wants is already taken. It's only ever been Mike having a girlfriend that has bothered him.

So, yeah, a mild freakout earlier caused by a rough day at work. Now that I'm home and calm, I'm able to look at this information more rationally. What we hear from them still does fit the narrative. I can't say with any certainty anymore that I know where they're going with it, but they haven't broken the narrative, yet. Not yet, anyway.

[simplystefanie-rae]

Do I just do bullet points, like???? also why is the text functions so fucking different, c'mon man

people band wagon hate mike wheeler for almost (key word, almost) no reason

worst thing mike did this season was refuse to support lucas just because he had an interest outside of their nerd shit, but dustin and eddie (EDDIE, an adult, couldnt reschedule the fucking dnd session??? youre an adult and lucas is just trying to find a foothold in high school, reschedule your stupid game!!!) are equally guilty but they get no shit for this

mikes probably a little oblivious (regarding wills feelings) but that's the worst you could really say about him in this situation. It's not like he can read will's mind. i will say they could have did that scene better in ep 8 where will is crying like right next to him in the van and mike supposedly doesn't hear him even tho it was super obvious. He was clearly meant to not hear him, so maybe they should have blocked that out better.

I was really hoping will was asexual/aromantic for some good honest rep (last season I swore up and down that was the direction they were going), but eh, whachu gonna do. This still works well enough. I'm curious where they're gonna take his character and this arc next season. I am looking forward to him getting back into the thick of the plot.

The nancy/steve plot confused the fuck out of me the entire season and i still can't really pinpoint... the point of it. From steves perspective I totally can, but nancy's side of things (and subsequently jonathans) i just got huge fat question marks over it.

i loved steve/nancy in season 1, was disappointed they decided to break them up even though they turned steves archetype on its head, but was willing to compromise for a thruple cuz like...cool. I coulda dug it. But they never did it (mainstream media really aint about poly relationships yet which is a shame), and learned to like nancy and jonathan well enough that to rehash this in season 4 with one season left seems... i don't wanna say questionable, because this has to go somewhere, but if it's just to reaffirm nancy and jonathans relationship while steve is just left to move on, again, i will be wondering why they bothered. You could say the point is for nancy to reject the idea of a typical suburban family lifestyle, but she already did that in season 1 so again...why? Definitely dug the tension between her and steve tho, and all his vulnerable moments with her. I'll enjoy it while it lasts lol

LUCAS. god, lucas. I hope they continue to give him great material next season because damn have they been sleeping on calebs acting. the only time i ever teared up this entire show was when he was holding max and crying out for his sister, which was improv!!! I hope he has a damn good storyline next season, he deserves it

i do have issues with some of his storyline this season tho. his stuff with max was amazing, i wouldnt change that for anything. but i really feel some type of way that they had his friends NOT go to his game... and wrote this in a way where lucas was in the wrong by framing his interest in basketball as a shallow quest for popularity. That is such shit, especially after they had a line where lucas said he was doing this because he was tired of being bullied, which is very understandable, tho i don' know why they couldn't simply have it as him really loving basketball since he seems to actually enjoy it, but i digress. I was waiting all season long for a scene between him, mike and dustin, where lucas got to be rightfully upset with them for ditching him when he stressed how important it was to him. But instead, naturally, we got lucas telling jason he was wrong for looking up to him and wanting to be like him... like look, just because Jason turned out to be a...bit of a dick (more on him later) doesn't mean lucas was wrong for wanting to focus on a sport he really liked and wanting his friends to support him in it. There was no way for him to know that the basketball team was gonna pop off like that, that's such manipulative writing and i hate that kinda shit. #justiceforjocklucas the team needs more jocks anyway!! steve cant be the only one punching the shit out of things

....i really zoned out of joyce and murrays storyline, it was just so boring compared to what was going on in hawkins. Hoppers was good tho, especially when he got to play off of enzo (forget is real name, antonov?) tho i do think they could have left him dead, it would have freed up so much more time for other characters that desperately needed it (mike, jonathan, and will most notably)

i got more to say but ill do it in another post, don't want this to be super long. I have stuff to say about max, el, vecna, eddie, chrissy, and jason

[thequackcity]

Quackity and Schlatt’s Relationship - More Complicated Then You Think

(this is all /rp and about the characters from the dream smp! pls assume i have the dignity not to write analysis of youtubers)

recently there was a bit of discourse surrounding the relationship between Quackity and Schlatt floating around on tumblr. tho i never saw the original post that sparked the conversation, i did see a few posts that were inspired by it mentioning how they disliked that the original post implied that Quackity and Schlatt were mutually abusive and/or equally bad for each other 

since i never saw the original post, i can't be sure if that's what the op meant to imply. it's not really my place to speak about a post that i never got the chance to read. BUT the conversation that was caused by the post in question did get me thinking about how this fandom treats the relationship between Quackity and Schlatt and how little nuance there is in discussions about it

now before i say anything else, i want to make a few things clear:

i don't think Quackity and Schlatt’s relationship is mutually abusive. no need to worry about hearing that from this post

i don't look down on ppl who have different interpretations of their relationship

there will be potentially triggering content in this analysis. i will place a quick warning whenever i think one is needed!

their relationship is romantic in canon and therefore i’ll be treating it as romantic

alright now that we’ve gotten all of that out of the way, we can finally get on with the analysis! i apologize for how long this is gonna be

part 1: let's talk relationship!

i think we can all agree that Quackity and Schlatt’s relationship was not exactly a healthy one. tho it didn't start out that way, it certainly turned into what could be read as abusive or toxic (i personally read their relationship as being abusive in its later half due to evidence provided by the text, but i understand if others prefer to view it as just toxic instead)

but what happened that led to their partnership ending so badly? what caused all of this mess?

well, it was a lot of things. but we will get to that later. let's talk relationship first!

from the very beginning, Quackity and Schlatt’s relationship was pretty one-sided. tho they both clearly liked each other as friends/partners in crime both before and after the election (yes they did interact before the election!) Quackity was also interested in Schlatt romantically- something that Schlatt wasn't fully committed to

as we all know from the infamous date stream and from a few other moments, Quackity and Schlatt enjoyed playfully flirting with each other- tho it was pretty obvious that Quackity was more serious about it then Schlatt was even tho Schlatt considered Quackity to be very attractive

in my opinion, Quackity is someone who wants a long term relationship, while Schlatt is more interested in flings. this can be seen in Schlatt refusing to marry Quackity and rejecting most of his advances while Quackity tried his best to convince him to feel otherwise. Tommy put it best: Quackity is just one of Schlatt’s many bitches U_U

to Quackity, the romantic aspect of their relationship was very important. because Schlatt never actually shot him down or told him that he didn't feel the same way, Quackity took that to mean that they were truly in love. Schlatt on the other hand wasn't very invested in the romantic side of things but clearly valued Quackity’s looks and his support as an ally against Pogtopia so he never fully rejected Quackity’s advances

this might not seem like too big of a deal considering the other things that happened between them, but i think it shows part of the nature of their relationship. there is a lot of miscommunication and, on Schlatt’s end, manipulation of emotions. love is a strong motivator for loyalty and Schlatt is a smart guy who would know how to use that to his advantage

but that isn't to say that Schlatt didn't ever care about Quackity!

Schlatt is a complicated guy and figuring out when he's actually being genuine can be pretty difficult. but i think there are some moments that point to Schlatt genuinely caring about Quackity

when he was alive, Schlatt was pretty paranoid. not as paranoid as Wilbur, but certainly up there. but there were never any times where he truly questioned Quackity’s loyalties after his first day as president. Schlatt also seemed truly upset that Quackity betrayed him, bringing up their status as partners in crime while ranting about how much it hurt him and singling Quackity out while talking about how he had been abandoned during his time of need

Schlatt also spent a lot of time sulking after Quackity betrayed him and whining to Ponk about needing a new bitch. this is in contrast to how angry he was after Tubbo betrayed him- both during and after the execution

there is also the situation with the Big Man Gym 

after being dead for a while, Schlatt contacted Quackity despite them leaving off on bad terms and asked for him to visit him in his cave gym. when Quackity showed up, Schlatt talked about how he valued their relationship and the good times they had together. tho this can easily be seen as emotional manipulation, Schlatt’s a lot smarter than he seems and- if he doesnt have memory issues due to being a ghost- would know that Quackity’s opinion of him was in the dump at the time of his death and most likely wouldn't have improved since then. Fundy has a higher opinion of Schlatt than Quackity does and is someone who obviously craves validation. but Schlatt went to Quackity first anyway and trusted him to help revive him

i think that this is all good evidence that points towards Schlatt truly caring about Quackity as much as someone like Schlatt can care about anyone- or at least valuing him as a companion

i also think that it is pretty common knowledge that Quackity cared about Schlatt- and possibly still does- but i will go over a bit of evidence that i haven’t already mentioned before we move on to the next part

Quackity tried multiple times to impress Schlatt (like when he lied about knowing how to play chess), would attempt to help Schlatt when he was drowning in water, sadly said that they could have had something together while Schlatt was dying in the caravan, and implied that he wouldn’t have left if Schlatt hadn’t taken down the white house. Quackity also willingly went to the Big Man Gym after being summoned there by Schlatt and wanted to revive him long before the revive book became part of the story

part 2: what made it fall apart?

everything i've said so far has been pretty interesting (hopefully) but it doesn't really answer the original question: what went wrong to turn Schlatt and Quackity’s mainly positive partnership sour?

well it comes down to two things in my opinion: their incompatible desires for political power and Schlatt’s deteriorating mental state

Quackity wanted political power from the beginning and wasn't afraid to be open about his desires. he pooled his votes with Schlatt because Schlatt offered him the position of vice president, something Wilbur and Tommy weren’t willing to give to him. tho Quackity obviously cared about L’Manburg and wanted to see good things for it, he also desired power and was willing to team up with someone he didn't fully agree with to get said power

at 32:40 in this video, Quackity talks about how in politics everyone uses everyone so it's alright if Schlatt is using him. he then talks about how he doesn't want to be a man with no power and how he understands that Schlatt’s main goal is also gaining/keeping power. Quackity also shows a bit of his naughty evil side by saying if he overthrows Schlatt then the fun ends too early! 

(side note: these two are pretty evenly matched in intelligence and manipulativeness, i love it!) 

it's a bit of a fandom misconception that Quackity was a love sick yes man during the Manburg era. tho Quackity did want to please Schlatt and was in love with him, he didn't shy away from standing up to or disagreeing with Schlatt when he believed it was needed

at around 26:12 of this video, Quackity and Schlatt meet together in private and Quackity tells Schlatt off for playing down his role in the power structure of Manburg. since this was very early in Schlatt’s reign, Quackity shows no fear towards him and confidently tells him not to treat him like that

Quackity also broke Niki out of jail after regretting letting her be put there in the first place, tried to convince Schlatt to not execute Tubbo, jumped in front of Fundy when Schlatt tried to attack him, tried to stop Schlatt from tearing down buildings, and attempted to protect the white house he built from being destroyed by Schlatt. these are not behaviors of a pure yes man but of someone who, despite fear, has the confidence to speak up for himself even when disrespected by someone in authority

Quackity has always been someone who wanted power and someone who was never a yes man to authority. this contradicts with how Schlatt believed Quackity should act as vice president. in Schlatt’s opinion, Quackity’s one job is to sit around looking pretty while Schlatt does all of the important things and holds all of the power. Schlatt was a big fan of promoting people to worthless positions of authority and its pretty obvious that he considered vice president to be similar to the fake positions he gave Fundy and Tubbo 

in the end, this was a big part of what destroyed their relationship. like it or not, Quackity’s a power hungry guy and always has been. he didn't like that Schlatt constantly shoved him aside and refused to listen to him

now onto the nasty bit...Schlatt’s mental state

cw for mentions of alcoholism, mental deterioration, and abusive behavior  

before i say anything more, i just want to say that i don't think having issues with alcoholism makes someone a bad person. i personally have some issues with such things so it would be pretty stupid of me to say being an alcoholic makes you a bad person. alcoholism does negatively affect your cognitive functions tho and, combined with other health issues, can cause some of the very serious mental problems that Schlatt clearly struggles with

throughout the Manburg era, Schlatt’s mental state rapidly deteriorated. he went from a pretty normal- if eccentric- guy who had a drinking problem, to someone who was delirious most of the time. it's a sharp and noticeable decline that caused a lot of pain for Quackity due to Schlatt often taking his excess aggression out on him by yelling at him and/or belittling him. tho Schlatt often belittled Quackity before he went fully off of the deep end, it was never as aggressive as it was when he was in this delirious state of mind

it was during one of Schlatt’s most aggressive and delirious moments that he tore down the white house despite Quackity’s protests. as we all know, this caused Quackity to snap and kill Schlatt (it's more complicated than that but we will get back to that). as mentioned previously, Quackity implied that he would have stayed with Schlatt if the white house hadn’t been destroyed

in my opinion, these two things combined are the biggest reasons why Quackity and Schlatt’s relationship fell apart. their differing desires for power were not compatible and Schlatt’s awful behavior while his mental state declined caused a rift between them that couldn't be fixed

part 3: how toxic was it really?

cw for emotional and physical abuse 

as i said all the way back in part one, Quackity and Schlatt’s relationship was not healthy. i have provided many examples in the other two parts that shine a light onto why it wasn't healthy, but i didn't show the entire picture

there are many moments that show exactly how Schlatt treated Quackity when he was acting at his worst and none of them are pretty. tho Schlatt was never truly aggressive with his insults until he started to go off of the deep end, that doesn't mean that what he said wasn't negatively affecting Quackity

Schlatt would belittle, insult, and mock Quackity for his appearance not being up to his standards, for his opinions, and for being emotional in ways that Schlatt disapproved of like crying. tho Schlatt would often brush off Quackity’s reactions towards this cruel behavior, it's very clear that Schlatt’s treatment of him has stuck with Quackity in many ways

Quackity is very sensitive about his appearance and it seems to be because of how badly Schlatt hurt his self esteem during their time together. Schlatt tied Quackity’s worth to his appearance and then would claim he wasn't meeting his standards of attractiveness. we can tell that this has stuck with Quackity because of his sensitivity towards people bringing up the scar on his face (something that greatly alters his physical appearance) and he still reacts very badly when Schlatt calls him the mocking nickname flatty patty

speaking of flatty patty- that stupid insult shockingly has a lot of weight in Quackity’s relationship with Schlatt. tho its something the audience is meant to laugh at, the nickname also shows just how little Schlatt respects Quackity because he's constantly throwing it around just to make Quackity upset. Schlatt’s last words are flatty patty all because he wanted to get in one last dig at his ex and ruin Quackity’s day even further 

Schlatt tends to do a lot of things that are intended to make Quackity upset. tearing down the room Quackity made for him in the white house is the biggest example of this- especially since Schlatt mentions how it will upset Quackity while he does it. you can see this moment at around 19:10 of this video

and now let's get into the elephant in the room when it comes to these two: Quackity was scared of Schlatt. tho we never really see Schlatt hit or attack Quackity physically outside of their confrontation at the white house or their confrontation in the caravan, these clips imply that Quackity was at the very least scared of Schlatt physically harming him in some way 

as for actually physically harming him, Schlatt hits Quackity multiple times with a pickaxe and with his fists during their white house fight. Quackity hits Schlatt a couple times too, tho these are all primarily defensive blows since he is trying to protect himself and his property. he also chases after Quackity with a bow after Quackity’s plan to trick him into signing Manburg over to the Pogtopians fails and hits him multiple times during the caravan confrontation

all of this evidence shows that Schlatt was an abusive (or at least toxic) partner towards Quackity and someone who greatly affected him in many ways

tho Quackity did a few questionable things throughout his relationship with Schlatt (such as trying to get Schlatt to have sex with him despite Schlatt not being interested as shown in the later half of this video) and did some downright morally wrong things during his time as vice president of Manburg, no one deserves the pain of an abusive relationship- even a person who has done bad things

as a brief side note before we move on because i know people will bring it up if i skip over it, Quackity did- and most likely still does- want to literally possess Glatt. he brought up reviving Schlatt and using him as a political pawn after Schlatt’s funeral and during their conversation at the Big Man Gym Quackity talked about owning Glatt and having him work at Las Nevadas with no pay

this is unsettling behavior to say the least but this essay isnt about the aftermath of their relationship so much as it is about their relationship when it was actually happening. maybe i will make another post talking more about how Quackity’s relationship with Schlatt affected him even after Schlatt’s death and/or about Quackity’s relationship with Glatt

part 4: final thoughts

i’m not exactly sure why the nuances in Schlatt and Quackity’s relationship get lost when it comes to the fandom, but it’s pretty disappointing to see. hopefully this essay can help people take a closer look at canon and maybe even help them find something interesting that they’d want to explore!

tho the point of this essay is to clear up any misconceptions and hopefully add some nuance to the conversations surrounding Schlatt and Quackity’s relationship, i also wrote it in hopes of showing people how fascinating these two partners in crime were back in the Manburg days. i didn’t cover everything but i think i did a pretty good job for my first analysis post in the dsmp fandom

also since you read to the end, i must say thank you! it really does means a lot to me that you did. i hope you enjoyed and maybe even learned something. this post can be used as a resource if anyone wants to use it as such

here’s a tiny devil Quackity for your troubles <3

[becomingbts]

Time heals (sometimes) - 1

Summary: 6 years ago, (Y/N) thought that she was finally taking her life into her hands, leaving behind a toxic and abusive relationship with a man who taught her she’d never be worthy of love. However, it became hard to ignore his words when she met her seven soulmates who rejected her without even giving her a chance to prove herself. It took (Y/N) 3 years to realize that it wouldn’t be her end. She would live on to prove them all wrong; she would become what they all thought she wasn’t: someone worthy of love. And as she stands proudly on the stage, under the  burning spotlights and the applause and  the cries of the delirious crowd, she feels alive. Alive, just like the bond she believed to be broken.

Pairings: Y/N x OT7

GENRE: Soulmate AU!, Idol Y/NAU!, semi social-media AU!, ANGST (mainly), fluff, romance, maybe smut in the series.

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Warnings:  The series is going to be heavy with a lot of personal experiences  mixed into the fiction, so this is going to be kind of therapeutic for me. Please, consider not reading the series if you are not comfortable with: abandonment issues, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-harm (not descriptive and only part of MC’s past), suicide thoughts (in the past), toxic behavior, toxic and abusive relationship (in the past), depreciating self-talk and low self-esteem, a lot of curse, physical and mental pain, near death experience situation (in the past), and maybe smut scenes (happy ending though, but it will probably be quite the ride).

NOTE: So hello everyone, welcome to Time Heals (sometimes). Thank you so, so much for the warm welcoming, it has been my first time getting so many asks, I was honestly overjoyed. I still don’t really know what to call this part; is it a teaser? A note? A full chapter? I believe we’ll get some snapshot of memories like this one throughout the series because there is going to be a lot to unpack on both sides. I think it will be a chapter nevertheless because I have to establish some kind of order as to which parts should be read first, and I think this one is extremely important.

Thank you for reading,

-Dolly

Profiles #2 - here - part 2

Her scream pierced through the air while cries broke in the frenzied arena while a single blond-haired man froze, emptily staring at the stage. It felt like his senses heightened; his skin was shuddering, his eyes were frantically searching for one specific figure while his voice was lost in his throat. The screams resonating in the stadium would have been too loud for his voice to be heard anyway. 

Jimin knew he shouldn’t be there. 

Namjoon had told them more than once that none of them should try to go to one of (Y/N)’s events. It could be dangerous and they could be overwhelmed; anything could happen to them and they would still remain a nobody who fainted in the howling crowd. Would they want to take this risk? No.

So, Jimin would have had to admit that going to her very first concert in Seoul since the pandemic sounded like a very, very, very bad idea. And to be honest, it still didn’t seem to be a bright idea now that he was actually there. 

But he still went because he needed to see her for himself; to see how she was. He had so many things he dreamed about asking her. Are you okay? Are you sleeping well? Did you eat before coming to the arena? Are you nervous? Do you... remember me? 

Maybe he was torturing himself. He kept on watching her lives, following her on all social media, always made sure to leave a sweet comment, and never miss any of her new updates... Maybe he even had a folder of pictures of her on his phone but he’d never admit it to any of his mates. Taehyung would probably take his phone away from him and delete everything and Jimin couldn’t let that happen.

He felt like it was cheating. Don’t take him wrong though. When he thought that, he was not really thinking about the boys. They did collectively agree not to follow her activities as an artist but it was getting harder and harder with how popular she got anyway. Moon was everywhere. In commercials, on the radio, her songs were on the TV… Even if she was known for refusing most of the promotional contracts that were offered to her, her image was still constantly in the media despite her avoidance of it. Ironic, but the media were trying their best to find anything about her, be it positive or negative. One day she was seen on her bike, the next, she was in a coffee shop, and it kept on going on, overstepping on her privacy as if it was just a meaningless word. 

The lockdown had admittedly played a major part in Jimin’s obsession. Being in their apartment meant quickly running out of activities, and his job as a dance teacher was not really filling his free time (a lot of his classes were also canceled). It was also during that time that (Y/N) truly blew up as an independent artist. Advertisement on YouTube started being around her channel and her music, the recommendations he kept on seeing were about also her… Jimin’s resolve honestly broke easily. It was hard not to be curious about his lost soulmate even though he didn’t feel like he had the right to be hurting. 

Anyway, to come back to his main point, if Jimin felt like he was cheating; it was mostly for her. After all, (Y/N) had no means of letting the curiosity get the best of her, to know what they were doing; to simply see or contact them. He had, at first, not really thought about that. Watching her content seemed a very innocent thing to do in his opinion; billions of people were watching her content, why should he prevent himself from doing so? Yet, Jimin could still remember one of her live she did soon after that interview she had given on this damned radio show where she had revealed who her title track ‘TIME’ was about… She had gone live the next day-Jimin had jumped on his phone because of the notification-and one fan had asked her what would she do if she knew that her ‘ex-soulmates’ (and those words left a very sour taste in Jimin’s mind) were watching her. The question had silenced a previously restless Jimin, replacing his initial excitation with dread while a lump formed itself in his throat. He had not even noticed it; he was so focused on her live and her upcoming answer that Jimin had completely missed the sound of a glass breaking in the apartment. Jimin had been home alone, so even if had indeed heard it, he probably wouldn’t have bothered to check what had happened, thinking that the wind knocked it over or something. Jimin had been so absorbed by what he had been watching that he even got surprised a few hours later when Seokjin came home and yelled at him for breaking something when he had been clearly innocent, engrossed in (Y/N)’s live (not that he could tell his soulmates about that part, but yeah). (Y/N)’s live would always be more important than some random glass breaking again in their apartment. Every object was doomed with Namjoon living here anyway.

On her side of the screen though, (Y/N) had seemed taken aback as she had read the question and had gritted her teeth gently. She had seemed to be pondering about her answer even though a lot of people in her chat were telling her to forget about the question if it made her uncomfortable (a lot were even scolding the person who asked). Yet, sighing softly, she had looked up at the screen: 

“I’d appreciate it if you could refrain from asking questions on this topic. It’s not taboo but I’d rather not remember everything that comes with it. However, to answer this-hopefully-last question about it, I’d ask them to turn off my stream and to stop watching any of my content. It would only be fair after all. I’ve been denied access to their lives six years ago, why would they get a free pass into mine now?” She had not smiled nor had she seemed hurt by her own comment, yet Jimin’s heart had shattered in pieces, unable to press the cancel button. 

Her voice had slowly faded into background noise while her words had been stuck in his head. 

I’d ask them to turn off my stream and to stop watching any of my content. 

How could Jimin ever do that? He realized that he truly should. Namjoon would even agree with you, as ironic as it sounded for Jimin. Namjoon had been one of the most adamant ones about rejecting your bond, after all. Jimin was shaking with bitterness while ‘Moon’ continued her stream peacefully with music. Jimin could only try to gulp his anger down as he remembered her crumbling features on that fateful day. 

“You’re not our soulmates. This name on our arms means nothing to us. You are nothing to us if not a hindrance. Leave us alone.” 

If Jimin could go back in time, he’d prevent Taehyung from spatting those words at her. Yet, he couldn’t do anything. Playing the scene over and over in his mind wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t change that she probably hated them. It wouldn’t change the song she made about them. 

And worst of all, it wouldn’t change the fact that Jimin had let himself believe that their choice had been for the best, trying to console and reassure himself, even if he had already known that it was wrong. Tears were pooling up in his eyes even if none escaped as he finally caught a glimpse of her on the stage. Suddenly brought back to reality after his subconscious memory trip, Jimin finally connected back to the world, looking around while he was still frozen on his spot. People were still screaming around him and he wondered if he looked like an intruder. Because, after all, wasn’t that what he exactly was? She said it herself that she didn’t wish for them to watch her; so what was he doing here? 

Jimin couldn’t help but stare; she looked ethereal, dressed like a queen in the middle of a sold-out arena. People were screaming her name as she yelled her infamous ‘hi people’. It was an opening sentence that Jimin heard way too many times in her vlogs and suddenly hearing it in real life seemed surreal. 

Jimin could only watch in awe, entranced with her everything. 

Screw the boys and what they would think once he’d be back from her concert. 

He had been the one to find her six years ago anyway. He had been the one to bring her to their home six years ago, hoping for the boys to change their mind once they’d meet her.

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Uploaded : 09/04/2021

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