#man those tags are weird to use while writing the very first in person Root and Finch scene lmao

[fatherofmachine]

(  Originally answered here,  regarding Finch’s first encounter with @analoginterface​‘s Root.  I figured I ought to re-post this as meta-ish thing,  like I did with the Reese one.  I also tweaked this one a bit  &  added more. )

FEAR.  Fear,  anger  &  a sickening disgust was what he’d first associated with her,  the moment  his gaze had met hers.  The sharp  fascination  &  curiosity that would eventually  develop wouldn’t emerge until MUCH later.  Shock  &  terror  ripped through him as the sound of gunfire TEARING through flesh  & bone violently  wrought Harold’s world,  his senses,  to a brief stand-still.  Alicia,  the person he’d been speaking to mere seconds ago,  was abruptly,  lifelessly  SLUMPED against the passenger seat  &  door—–Harold couldn’t see  the blood,  not from this angle,  but the nauseating hot,  copper-like scent of it left him with NO DOUBTS of it being there.  Movement outside of the passenger window had him turning  without thinking about it,  blue eyes WIDE.  He only just recognized his mouth had fallen open with shock  &  he pressed thin lips together tightly.

For a moment,  all he could hear was a dull RINGING  & any other sound was muffled  by it ;  he’d only acknowledged the sound of the back door of the car opening  & closing AFTER her  voice rose from the silence.

❛ I thought she’d  NEVER shut up, ❜

For a BRIEF few seconds,  he couldn’t  comprehend what it was she’d said—–NOT that he couldn’t hear her,  the ringing was beginning to diminish  &  he could hear the words  just fine.  It was the CASUAL sound of her voice,  how she spoke as though they  ( she  &  Harold ) shared some sort of private JOKE.  One arm still extended outward behind him,  that same wrist settled upon the steering wheel uselessly whilst his other hand GRIPPED the center console to keep himself turned.  His head  & neck had JERKED painfully in response to the gunshot  & now,  the lasting pain of the movement began to seep into the rest of his upper body … but,  Harold was FAR too preoccupied to notice just yet.

TURING ( or,  whatever her real name was ) was practically beaming at him,  the look of it almost CHILD-LIKE with how manic it appeared.  His own dark brows were narrowing,  as were his eyes  & his mind was WORKING again,  moving incredibly fast,  as if to catch up from the momentary pause.

❛ So nice to finally meet you,  Harold.   You can call me  ROOT. ❜

With her INTRODUCTION,  Root  moved in close,  her firearm pointed directly at him  & her wide SMILE never faltered.  Harold swiftly began to solve the puzzle of how they reached this point  & the longer he looked  at her,  the more HORRIFIED he became.  Once he finally spoke,  his voice sounded STRANGE to his own ears ;  almost detached,  still riddled with pure shock  &  he could hear the latter within his own ragged breathing.   The DISGUST that had long-since begun to churn within him spiked  at the sight of how her DELIGHTED smile had shifted into something mischievously smug.

❝ … You hired HR yourself ?   You were willing to RISK your  own life  to FIND me ?  ❞

Her dark gaze flickered downward,  but only for a few seconds.  

❛ I did this ... corporate training thing once, ❜

Root began,  barely  rotating the firearm held tightly within her hand as if they were having a CASUAL conversation rather than the reality .... which was her essentially holding him at gun point.

❛  I was blackmailing the CEO,  long story,  but  .... they did this exercise called the trust fall.  Where you close your eyes and  f a l l   ... &  wait for someone to CATCH you.  I knew  you boys wouldn't let me down. ❜

She’d trusted  that he  & Mr. Reese would save her life,  she’d had FAITH in them.  Coming from her,  it only TAINTED the statement  &  Harold simply leaned farther away.

❛ C’mon,  Harold.   We’ve got  SO MUCH to  talk about. ❜

Root nearly BOUNCED in her apparent excitement,  her firearm still pointed in a silent threat …  &  Harold understood the command  without her needing to specify further.  She seemed to take notice of the body then,  albeit …  & BEFORE they departed,  Root discarded Alicia’s lifeless body on the concrete ground bellow,   MUCH to Harold’s disgust.

[smp-live]

Was scrolling through c!Wilbur crit blogs again and it got me thinking about why exactly I argue in favour of him so much so here’s a random ramble (that got long) about it:

Most c!Wilbur critics (at least, in the tag, not directly post-lore stream. The ones that do actual analysis on him) are like... really reasonable about it, actually, lmao. Like it’s mostly just calling him a bad person because of power hunger/manipulation/being a bad dad/whatever else. (Not talking about antis. I mean people who are really critical of him, but recognize that he’s a well-crafted character with nuance.)

Which I agree with! I consider myself an apologist, my writing and analysis leans really sympathetic, and I still agree that he’s a shitty rat bastard that I would run far away from irl. Even at the beginning of the story, he’s very morally grey, sometimes using underhanded persuasion tactics, doing ehh things like stealing, and it only gets worse from there.

But on the other hand, he’s... not that bad. Like I saw one person say about c!Dream, “My reaction to most critique of him is... so what?” and that’s how I feel about c!Wilbur, I suppose. Yeah, he tried to rig an election - but it was a last-ditch effort at not going full dictator, he didn’t follow through, and later on he - in part - decided to blow it up because they couldn’t get it back while being democratic. And yeah, he manipulated people - all in all, it wasn’t really really bad things, mostly to paint himself in a better light because of his insecurities, and people sometimes fall into manipulative language without even outwardly realizing that it’s a shitty thing to do. Of course, that shows a bigger underlying problem in their mindset and the way they interpret relationships and possession, but then that’s a different discussion - and definitely one that applies to c!Wilbur.

(Not saying he doesn’t ever intentionally manipulate people. I think that a. sometimes it might be accidental, (”If you wanna be President you’re gonna have to get on my good side,” mans was Not thinking straight,) and b. other times he falls into old habits/coping mechanisms that happen to be manipulation, (Tommy at Las Nevadas.) Other than the election and maybe some times in the early founding of L’Manberg, I can’t think of any moments where I’m like, “Yeah, he is Purposefully Manipulating here.” And even then, it just doesn’t strike me as a terrible thing. People manipulate, it’s a thing they do. That’s it. A morally grey action.)

And I think the majority of the reason I make more posts painting him in a positive light and don’t really discuss my critique of him is because it feels like the fandom has an overwhelming bias of hatred/crit, even if a lot of that isn’t, y’know, proper analysis of his character. I instinctively want to balance it out for this character I love/relate to, because a lot of what I see straight-up ignores the lighter side of his moral-greyness.

Like, a while back, I posted a couple clips from late-election arc, of Wilbur talking about how he feels about Fundy siding with Quackity and against him. And the way I initially saw it while watching was, “Okay. He feels betrayed by his son who disagrees with his politics - and thus, him as a person, because your politics are a reflection of your identity, especially in Wilbur’s mind - and it’s perfectly understandable that he’d want to vent about that in private to a close friend. On the other hand, he should be able to recognize that Fundy’s allowed to be his own person and shouldn’t be babied. Fundy is in the right, here, but Wilbur’s feelings shouldn’t be dismissed.”

But then 90% of the tags were just straight-up hate for c!Wilbur, going as far as to say that he should die again. (And this was after we found out how bad the afterlife was for him.) That fucking floored me. I just couldn’t understand how they took this nuanced character aching for ‘the son he knew’ back (hm. very similar to c!Phil, actually) and turned it into ‘wow. This suicidal man sucks and should maybe die.’ I was so close to making a post defending him before realizing - I was letting fandom bias against a character push me further onto the sympathetic side.

And that’s such a fuckin’ weird thing to have happen, because you’d think that exposure to negativity about a character would make you feel more negative about them? But without fail, every time I scroll through the crit tag, or read a critical post about c!Wilbur/L’Manberg, I maybe lean a bit more towards that side for a few hours before swinging back hard onto the apologist side. Because a lot of the critique, to me, is really just, “so what?” after I let it stew a bit.

Then there’s the whole mental health issue. Obviously it doesn’t excuse the shit he did - I know people who have been in the middle of breakdowns and the stuff they say still fucking hurts, even if they didn’t truly mean it. But recognizing that he needs help? That for pretty much all his time on-screen, he was depressed and paranoid, which obviously affects the way he acts? That’s obvious. And were he in the position to get professional help - which he deserves - everything would be much better off. That’s the root of my apologism, I think: He deserves to get better. He’s not inherently evil, or bad, just a fucked up little man who’s ruined his own life and needs help. I want to see him, specifically him, get better.

Narratively, his punishment has been extreme and disproportionate. Every mistake, every choice - good or bad - has led to suffering, on his part. Start a fun little rebellion, maybe to gain some power? War and betrayal. Declare an election to consolidate said power? Lose, and get exiled. Blow up a nation? Die, and even in the afterlife, he can't catch a break. Purely as a sympathetic human, it feels like he deserves to rest. Deserves to heal.

But even medicated and less anxious, or going to therapy for his neuroticism and depression, or whatever, he still would be quite morally grey. A lot of his manipulation, his power hunger, comes from this neuroticism; from needing to feel safe and needed, (just like Quackity.) Not all of it, though. He’d still have his unhealthy ideals about relationships and possession, for example. Less prominent, sure, but still there. Some people, I feel, discount how tied up with his mental illness it is, while others don’t really recognize that it’s also a personality problem. Like, changing those beliefs is changing part of who he fundamentally is, as a person.

Actually, I think the c!Wilbur apologist community, in general, tends to scapegoat his mental illness a little too much? Not in that we explain his actions with it or ask people not to villainize it, (although sometimes I feel that what we call villainizing mental illness is a bit excessive, but it’s not my place to talk about that as someone who doesn’t really relate to Pogtopia!Wilbur,) but in that we use it in discussions a lot. Which is fair, because it permeates every single aspect of his character, but even without it he’d have toxic traits? Like his possessiveness is not purely a byproduct of his mental illness, imo. Nor is his treatment of Fundy. It’s amplified by it, surely, but that little seed of it is there in the first place. Just as c!Dream’s abuse needs to be addressed as a central part of his character, c!Wilbur’s possessiveness does too - and also outside of the context of their mental health, because they’re both brought on by an internal personality flaw, some fucked-up belief, if that makes sense.

As I said before: c!Wilbur is a mess of a human being that I would hate if I actually met. (irl I would’ve been a SWAG supporter, based on policies, but since this is fiction, I was POG.) But because he’s a character, that flies out the window, and I can love him - not even just as a character, in the sense that I appreciate he’s well-crafted, but in terms of personality and all that shit, while recognizing he’s a kinda crappy guy. Because he’s a character. That’s the fun of it.

[indipindy16]

im on a roll woah. this is the third piece i’ve posted today 

empty template 

okay so under the cut there’s a very long rant (with pictures!) about why shinsou is my fave character, if you’re interested

ALRIGHT

this boy - nay, this man - is the only sane one in this whole manga i swear. and he’s only there for a few scenes in a couple arcs, yet he’s brilliant for every second onscreen

hero society is absolutely broken, and shinsou has been dealt with the brunt of it in very similar ways to midoriya. except for shinsou, there’s no deus-ex-machina coming to give him a perfect quirk and a perfect future. no. this guy has to fight for his chance just to get a seat at the (metaphorical) table. despite everything, all he wants is to help people. 

shinsou calls people out on their bullshit. he calls out bakugou for acting like he’s above everyone else literally within 5 seconds of meeting him, which is more than any of the students or teachers at mido and baku’s middle school. 

his LITERAL FIRST ACT IN HIS FIRST EVER APPEARANCE is to defy the kind of ‘quirk hierarchy’ in the bnha universe (a person with a villainous quirk daring to criticise a person with a heroic quirk? how dare they!) and this really tells you all you need to know about shinsou: he’s here to kick back against hero society and change things for the better, and he’s not afraid to ruffle a few feathers along the way.

and he gives izuku a wake-up call during their fight. while izuku has been living it up with a great quirk, at this point he’s forgotten his roots. he’s forgotten that there are people out there who are denied the opportunities which come easily to him. speaking with shinsou inspires him to call out todoroki’s complacency with his quirk, and then to choose deku as his hero name (which is basically a big ‘fuck you’ to bakugou and defiance against every time ppl tried to put him down for being a ‘quirkless, useless deku’).

of course, shinsou is not without faults. every good character has them. he starts off completely unwilling to open up, and isolates himself from others - likely a self-defence tactic, knowing that others will isolate him for his quirk and doing it to himself first to avoid the hurt. he himself falls victim to society’s stereotypes, assuming that midoriya will be an arrogant asshole just because he has a powerful quirk. he spends the first half of the sports festival using his quirk on ppl without their consent, pushing them down just to pass.

however. shinsou grows and learns and never gives up. while writing this i’m looking at some panels during the joint training arc and it’s just - HE’S WORKED SO HARD AND HE’S FINALLY GOT THERE AND IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM. all he needed was for one person to give him the chance, and he ran with it. 

he’s been put down and denied opportunities for something he can’t help, that he was born with, since his quirk is something which other people would consider inherently dangerous or predatory. 

on that note, can i just briefly mention that i think he comes across as kinda queer-coded?? idk that might be just me. i could be making something out of nothing, but in my brain he is and this post is about my opinions of him so uhh. if you disagree, don’t @ me

ALSO his quirk is actually INTERESTING and has so much potential. there’s a lot of really boring/cliché/self-explanatory/plain weird quirks in 1-a (permanent invisibility has no possibility for improvement, elemental quirks are basically avatar, and mineta and sero’s quirks are just... strange. i honestly don’t know what horikoshi was thinking with those two) and i really want to see shinsou in action more.

LOOK AT THIS ANGSTY MAN. MIDORIYA IS PROBABLY THINKING ‘I WANT TO BEFRIEND HIM!’ AND JUST - SAME. 

every panel he’s in, he genuinely steals the show. he’s not a comedic character and yet his interactions with the class in the joint training arc and with mido after their fight at the sports festival are so funny and he brings the best out of any character he’s in a scene with. i bet that if he joins 1-a and becomes a more recurring character, he’ll build up some great chemistry with characters and we can finally see him shine. 

as much as i love his interactions w/ monoma, i don’t want him to go in class b because then he’ll be sent back into Minor Character Hell which he DOES NOT DESERVE. he’s too good. please horikoshi, don’t do him dirty like that.

in conclusion, i love him

he is so damn relatable my dudes. evidence:

-likes cats 

-fights back against discrimination in society

-serial insomniac (along with everyone else on this hellsite, i bet. it’s currently 3am here)

-introverted (haha talking to people?? hanging out just for the sake of it?? no thanks, i just wanna draw in my room with my cat)

-rubs his neck as a nervous tick (try and tell me u don’t have some kind of habit like this. i personally pick at my fingernails/wrists but i know that a lot of ppl rub their necks as well. 

(also it’s a very easy piece of body language to draw and convey nervousness - he does it all the time in the manga even when his expression is serious, so i think it’s horikoshi’s way of showing that he’s nervous without compromising shinsou’s resting bitch face lol)

-comes off as abrasive/rude at first (i spend my first few days in a new place giving everybody the silent treatment haha. it’s not even meant to be rude, i just have to get used to them before i open up. so this is relatable to me, idk about you)

-he has aizawa as a dad mentor and don’t we all want that? there’s a reason the ‘dadzawa’ tag is so popular

-the rest is fanon but: big fan of underground heroes which is the equivalent of being in a niche fandom (cough anime cough) irl, shitty or nonexistent parents, possible ideals of vigilantism, awesome big brother to eri

-did i mention he likes cats

[blorbosexterminator]

Thanks @spiny-norman for tagging me! I definitely think it's time for me to try and put an overview of my thoughts coherently in one place, instead of the cluster I've left my blog in lmfao.

For lack of better words, here's a review of s5

I'll start with the positives too! The things I truly enjoyed:

The action was really thrilling and well-done.

It was funny. That is a very important aspect to me lmfao. I was truly worried the season was going to be too edgy for its own good and sacrifice its trademark humor. Tamayo was easily a highlight of this season. I loved that man from the moment he showed up in season 3, and he only got better this season. Alicia was also one of my favorite things. She's just so hilarious, I'm rooting for her to betray everyone and fuck them up.

In la banda itself, Tokyo and Denver completely stole the show, with magnificent acting from both Jaime and Ursula and genuinely good writing for them this season (something I can't say for the other characters), and the way they stayed true to themselves and yet evolved in such an organic way will always stay with me.

Tokyo deserves a whole point on her own even though I haven't shut up about her for nearly a week now lmfao. I'm still amazed at the perfect way her arc was handled, I could have never imagined or wanted anything different for her. It was a hugely bold move to place this in the finale of the first volume because I have no idea how they'll top it with anything now. Ursula obviously stole the scene, but everyone's acting in that scene punched me in the gut repeatedly. Very few characters' deaths in all media really affected me generally speaking, but I just know Tokyo's is here to stay with me.

Now, for everything else. This is already long but it's about to get longer lmfao.

First, I genuinely disliked how the show handled its political aspect this season. It was never perfect at it tbh, with a lot of misplaced allegories, but it was fine. The reason it was fine is because, other than a few weird moments, the show stayed realistic. It was was character-driven, and most of the time, the characters didn't mold themselves to be activists. This seasons' progressive tone was very out of place. I know a lot of people took pleasure in Bogota's speech while he beat Gandia, but it took me out of the mood. It was out of character and very ill-fitting to Gandia. I disliked Martin's speech nearly as much. Again, it was very out of character and ill-fitting. The really fun and realistic thing about the previous seasons was that just because a character was a minority or in some unfortunate group for one reason or the other, it didn't change anything. It didn't make them better people. Martin was still an egotistical, narcissistic, power-hungry, misogynistic, macho piece of shit. The fact that he was gay changed nothing, it didn't make him kinder to fellow oppressed people, not once did he act or gave any indication that he thought of himself as a victim in that sense. They were very unnecessary scenes.

Speaking of the characters, outside of Tokyo and Denver, I didn't feel 'anyone'. All actors did more than an amazing job, Rodrigo and Alvaro were top notches. But it just, the story had suddenly changed from a character-driven story to a plot-driven one and the show didn't handle that change well. Raquel, Martin, Andres, and Sergio were just there. I'll come back to Andres later because he's a special case lmfao. But those three, with how huge their roles are supposedly now, literally were just there. Raquel was just going around shooting things and sometimes giving some order or the other. Martin is pretty much the same. And the only useful thing Sergio did was pull the kid out of Alicia.

Now, I get that Alex Pina said this volume will all be boom boom, and in the next volume we'll get more of the character-focused scenes, but I'm not disappointed because the scenes were few. No, I'm disappointed because they were out of character. Martin was very, very not Martin. He was just some guy lmfao. It's not that I just wanted him to be more of an asshole, which I did because he is an asshole (bless the Monica and Arturo scene tho) but also he was just very soulless. Very unrecognizable. The moment he showed up, took Raquel's order to stop the melting without even one objection or even asking her to explain lmfao, (even fucking Tokyo was like ????? and not Martin!!!), I knew that he's not himself this season. And I was right, this Martin didn't give a single shit about the gold, had no passion, no fire, no soul. It's not like he doesn't resemble 'Palermo' (whatever the fuck that means), he doesn't even resemble himself in the s3 and 4 flashbacks. This isn't healing or redemption. This is a complete personality change overnight. And it just made him a boring character ngl, he's just not entertaining or complex or intriguing anymore. He's literally just some guy with some cringy out-of-character moments that made me go ???? Not even asking about plan Roma and having no problem with not melting the gold, telling Bogota 'revenge is egotistical and bad uwu', his whole speech of being the shit of society or whatever were all highlights of how the show just threw his previous characterizations in the trash lmfo. I genuinely hope it was just because this volume needed to move without any obstacles from the characters and he'll go back more to who he is in volume 2, but I doubt it tbh.

The flashbacks. First, they were funny, and that is their only saving grace. Andres going 'LOBSTERS' in the middle of telling his kid that he ruined his life was top-notch. Other than that, they were terrible, terrible shitty writing. The show didn't connect them in any way to Andres' flashbacks in s3 and 4 and at the same time didn't connect them to bank heist (outside of the parallels of the water, diving, and gold in both heists). They were very disconnected from everything else, and even though I'm certain they'll have more meaning next volume, it doesn't erase the fact that they had none this volume and didn't establish any stones for connections. @spiny-norman Tatana isn't even my type lmfao so I got nothing from this.

Lastly, the relationship dynamics were so.....not there. We got about nothing other than the Tokyo stuff. No hermanos, no Martin and Sergio, no Sergio and Raquel, no flashbacks from the panning in the monastery, no Tokyo and Martin being a pain in each other's asses, no Martin/Andres and the plan, no Martin and Raquel beyond co-leading. If we had time for that stupid, stupid love triangle, then we could have had some meaningful interactions between the actual important relationships in the show. Monver defending each other and their relationship to other people was very <3 though.

The plan has no meaning. Sure, I enjoyed the action. But this bank plan itself was devoid of the soul it had since it first appeared. The bank plan was something like an individual character in previous seasons lmfao. It was the one true love story of Andres and Martin. I think the show could have balanced some of that with the action and thrill.

Again, I know it's all about the action. But the show had a true shining chance to have some iconic scenes between Raquel and the police now that Sergio was unable to participate, and we had absolutely nothing. No negotiation, no clever back and forth between her and the people she worked with for decades, just nothing. I loved seeing her in action, but the boom boom omg badass queen woman warrior with a gun thing gets boring. This fits Tokyo. Raquel's truest moments of really being a boss were supposed to be between her and the police. Just again, all characters were just doing the same thing. They were no longer brilliant, varied individuals each shinning through their own strengths that were already established. I only hope we'll get more of that in volume two.

I think this captures most of my thoughts about the volume. Sorry for long it is lmfao.

[pinkiepiebones]

2 Zsasz related questions for ya:

Do you prefer Zsasz with or without hair? Do you like the OG serial killer or the modern hitman take? Personally I like the hair cause Batman doesn't have a lot of blonde villains and it looks nice! And the serial killer is way better for Zsasz as it makes him this terrifying shadow stalker man that just picks whoever and goes after them. Just crafts a more unique villain for Batman to face me thinks.

Loving the Zsasz content you're making btw, it's all solid stuff and I look forward to seeing what else you got up your sleeve with that tally loving stabby man!

Oh goodness, thank you SO MUCH for the compliments!! 🥰 I’ve been writing about Zsasz for maybe a decade now? Christ, that feels weird to type... The two Arkham games really sank their hooks in to me (dang Danny Jacobs and his incredible voice acting!) and I RPed as that incarnation of Zsasz for a bit... I try to tag most of my Zsasz posts so feel free to root around the archieves!!

As for the questions- I like the “it’s been a while since I got to shave my head,” “I had a m*litary cut but let it grow out” kinda fuzzy look for him, mostly. As of late it’s become kinda fun for me to picture him with this weird anachronistic yuppie corporate sleazeball persona, dressed all Casual Friday and with one of those, you know, OFFICE GUY haircuts. It’s interesting that you point out the lack of blonde villains... Shit, I should have used that in my Dichotomy fic, what with him and Harley being blonde!

I 1000000000000% prefer him as a lone serial killer. His dads Alan Grant and Norm Breyfogle created him to be Gotham’s answer to Hannibal Lecter, and no one ever looks as Hannibal and goes “you know what this guy is? An underling! A mook! A killer for hire, a guy with no driving madness and principles!” But for some asinine reason, writers look at Zsasz and go “yeah, he’s a lunkhead who uses guns and kills for money, I don’t need to research or create a new fucking character.” Zsasz is and works better as a lone madman who operates on his own morality system. He canonically stalks and chooses victims he deems “worthy” of his gift, and he canonically hates guns (loud and smelly!), only ever using them when there is no other option. Like, I get it, the canon for Zsasz is lean pickings, but- g-d DAMN IT HE IS NOT A GUN-TOTING GOON! I’m sorry Anthony Carrigan but your character in Gotham was NOT Zsasz. Chris Messina’s character in Birds of Prey at LEAST had the metal teeth (good nod to the fourth issue of Zsasz’s first story) and mentioned freeing people but he still WAS NOT ZSASZ. I mean, I know I’m asking for the fucking Moon here by asking for a wiry lithe professorial live action Zsasz who has orderly tally marks and uses knives or whatever strikes his fancy (the fucker canonically paralysed an Arkham orderly with a plastic fork) but he is such a compelling and insidious character and he DESERVES a decent live action portrayal.

I’d end this with “sorry for rambling“ but no! More of us need to ramble about this very good character with so much potential!

[searchingwardrobes]

Review 2 of 2

I know it’s been a month since part one of this review (which you can read HERE), but I had to collect my thoughts on this book! Not because I had mixed feelings about it - it’s honestly one of the best books I’ve ever read - but because it made me so emotional. I did write a review on Goodreads, which I’m posting below, and after that I’ve included several passages that moved me as I read. I marked a LOT of them (sorry, library), so I hope I can narrow them down. Having said that, this will get long, so more under the cut!

Tagging: @snowbellewells​ @reynoldsreads​ @whimsicallyenchantedrose​ @ekr032-blog-blog​ @superchocovian​ @lfh1226-linda​ @nikkiemms​ @thislassishooked​ @branlovestowrite​ @tiganasummertree​ and I thought of you @distant-rose​ for the way Joy fell in love with England just as much as with Jack :)

****I guess you can say there are technically spoilers beyond this point, but since this is all historical information, many may already know these details. ***

Before I get into that though, I want to clarify a few questions I brought up when I was only half way through the book. I wondered about their letter writing and why those letters were destroyed. Turns out CS Lewis burned all of the letters he received because people wrote to him about very personal things, and he didn’t want those being published after his death. So, that makes sense, I guess, though it still doesn’t explain what happened to the letters he wrote to her, unless he burned those too after her death for the same reason. Jack (what his close friends called Lewis) had a civil marriage with Joy first because of immigration issues, and she and the boys lived in a separate house. However, they still spent a lot of time at the Kilns (Lewis’s home) and lived there briefly at different times. Their relationship, according to most sources, wasn’t physical at that time (however, does anyone really know for sure except for the two of them?), and the book depicts it that way. The church refused to marry them because Joy was divorced, and this was a major issue for Jack due to his faith. Only after a sympathetic priest married them in a hospital did they consummate the marriage.

The major source material for this book was an unpublished manuscript called Courage containing forty-five love sonnets Joy Davidman wrote to CS Lewis. David Gresham, Joy’s son, found them in the back of a closet in 2013. Most of the chapters in the book start with lines from these sonnets. And these sonnets are definitely intimate and passionate. I’ll confess, it’s a little weird when you imagine that famous picture of CS Lewis we’ve all seen a million times, bald headed with his pipe. Like reading sexy poems someone wrote to your grandpa. Nevertheless, the love story crafted in this book was breathtaking.

Here’s the review I wrote on Goodreads:

I almost don't know where to start with this book, it was so good! The writing style, the phrasing, the characterization, it was all stellar. I felt like I knew Joy personally reading this. I also loved how the author didn't romanticize Joy or Jack (C.S. Lewis). She wrote them flaws and all, including their physical traits. This isn't Hollywood, air brushing the protagonists so they fit society's definition of "sexy." This book proves you don't need attractive people to tell a passionate, romantic love story. Love is so much deeper than that. I think that can sum up this entire book: love sees past our flaws; love is attracted to our minds and our souls, not just our faces and bodies; and love blooms best when it's rooted in a strong friendship.

This book also tackled the sexism rampant in the 1950s and how that impacted Joy, who broke the mold on what a woman should be. It makes you realize how the social norms of the day influenced Lewis's friends and their opinions of Joy. (Tolkien despised her.) You also feel Joy's oppression under these expectations and understand why Jack's friendship meant so much to her. He viewed her as an intellectual equal, something she was desperate for. I also was heartbroken over the poor medical care she received simply because she was a woman, with the doctors often completely ignoring her to address the men in her life and making light of her symptoms. Today, she might have lived.

I refuse to read other reviews because I have a feeling many Christians won't like this book. Joy is not a sanitized Christian heroine. She would definitely fit in more with the "bad girls" of the Bible like Rahab and the woman at the well than she would with Sarah or Hannah. She was a real person who came to faith late in life. She made mistakes even after her conversion, and some of them will make the reader uncomfortable. There were a lot of gray areas in her life and in her relationship with Jack that aren't easy to grapple with. So if you're looking for a black and white, squeaky clean, shining beacon of virtue you'll be disappointed. But if you're willing to take the journey with Joy, it's a fantastic tale!

Now for some of my favorite passages! (The book is in first person from Joy’s point of view):

“What could I have done differently? I begged the tortured Christ in stained glass.

My parents had warned me - Why can’t you be softer, nicer, and kinder? Prettier? More like Renee? {Renee was a cousin and one of her husband’s many affairs.} Why couldn’t I? Was this my punishment for such self-will?”

“I stayed and felt the enormous noise vibrate through my body. Chills ran through me, and I shivered with the unceasing sounds, which were cleansing me, coursing through my veins, through my mind and my spirit. The tenor and fifth ringing together, not synchronized or in harmony but in perfect sublime sound. My boundaries dissolved; transcendence enveloped me. God was with me, and always had been. He was in the earth and the wind, in the ringing and the silence, in the pain and in the glory of my life.”

“In his office Jack didn’t just read; he went deep inside the work his eyes fell upon, taking apart the sentences and themes. And while I was nearby, he would often call my name.

‘Joy,’ he’d say, ‘what do you think . . . ‘

Off we’d go into a theological or thematic discussion. Sometimes I feared I would wake and be back in the rambling, falling-apart house in Staatsburg, Bill stumbling drunk down the hallway smelling of sex and whiskey, and find my time with Jack had only been a dream. But instead I sat in the armchair of his office at the top of the staircase discussing the meaning hidden in stories.”

“It’s not an apology, Jack. Can’t you see? It’s grace, the kind that hunts us down and doesn’t let us go. It brought us together. The grace that keeps the planets in their orbits and causes lilies to open their faces to the sun.” I dared to meet his eyes with mine. “It’s love.”

“No.” I took another sip of sherry. “I’m confused . . . . About Jack, I don’t know. This time it’s not just about some physical need. For goodness’ sake, the man smokes sixty cigarettes a day and then his pipe in between. He’s seventeen years older than I am. But he still has this great gusto for life - for beer and debate and walking and deep friendship. Christianity most definitely has not turned him into a dud. This isn’t some lust-fueled fantasy. It’s the connection between us. The discourse. The empathy. The similar paths. This isn’t some obsession with getting something, Belle. It’s the feeling of finally coming home. It’s confusing at best.”

“Red heat filled my chest. He turned to place the sword on the mantle, and the structure of his chin, the lines of his smile, caught the firelight. A line of poetry surged forward in my mind: the accidental beauty of his face.”

“He was instantly next to me, his hands on my shoulders to spin me around to face him. ‘Don’t turn from me,’ he said. ‘I cannot bear that. If we can’t indulge in eros, surely we have all the beauty that remains in philia.’ He pulled me close to wrap his arms around me. Twilight turned to night and my head rested on his shoulder and the palm of his hand was on my neck, stroking my skin with gentleness as if consoling a small child after a frightful storm.

But this wasn’t fright he was trying to subdue; this was desire. His mind might twist firm around logic, but his body divulged the truth.

It was he who let me go, and gently touched my cheek before leaving me quaking without another word.”

“Jack was alongside me every day he came to Oxford from Cambridge, and many whispered that he’d moved in. What vivid imaginations they had.

There had been a night I thought we were on a “date” - when he took me to see Bacchae, the great Greek tragedy. In the dark of the theater he had taken my hand. With our fingers wound together and the great tragic ending of the play approaching, I believed in more for us. But, alas, after leaving that darkened theater our natural rhythms returned - philia, banter, beer, and laughter.”

“At your worst?” He shook his head and his spectacles fell from his face, landed on the worn cream blanket covering my diseased body. “You are beautiful to me, Joy. You are all that is beautiful.” He tucked a stray hair back from my face. “All my life I have thought of love in a literary sense, part of a story or a fairy tale. But love is really true; I know that now. Eros - I haven’t loved completely until now. I know that.” His voice held the truth of every word spoken, a man broken by death’s threat.”

“He kissed me again. ‘Everything I’ve written since the day you walked into Eastgate has been tangled with you. How could I have not seen it at all?’”

“Will you go to them?” I took his hand in mine. “They need you, and they love you, Jack. You know that, don’t you?’

‘As I love them.’ He kissed me and left as a father to my sons.

“All the years wasted believing that love meant owning or possessing, and now the greatest love had arrived in my greatest weakness. In my supreme defeat came my grandest victory. God’s paradoxes had no end.”

“I didn’t know if others understood his deep love for me. I’d wondered and then let it go - it didn’t matter what Tollers {Jack’s nickname for Tolkien} or the Inklings or the Sayers believed. Maybe Jack had admitted his love or maybe he hadn’t, but all that mattered was that I grasped the truth. He loved me when I was brash. He loved me in my weakest state. He loved me after I stopped trying so hard to make him love me. He loved me when I was outwardly unworthy. I thought of Aslan and his words in Prince Caspian, ‘You doubt your value. Don’t run from who you are.’”

“His brown eyes seemed fathomless, their depths holding the answers. ‘Although it was your mind I loved at first, it is not what I’ve loved best. The heart of you is the heart of me now, and I want to know it fully.’”

[ramblingsrantsreviews]

Season Review: 13 Reasons Why - Season 4 (Netflix, 2020)

Netflix’s dropped the final season of their controversial teen drama 13 Reasons Why last week and, as expected, it quickly climbed to the number one spot and was trending. Albeit the trending topic was full of just as many people saying “don’t watch the show” as there were fans talking about the show but that’s too be expected.

Inspired by the teen best selling novel by Jay Asher, 13 Reasons Why was adapted into a television series by Brian Yorkey in 2017 and has since spanned four seasons despite controversy from critics, parents, and teenagers. The fourth and final season of the series follow the same group of Liberty High teenagers, now seniors, as they grabble with the aftermath of their decision to frame a murder on a fellow Liberty High student who was sent to prison for sexual assault and ultimately died in prison. Each of the core cast is dealing with the aftermath in different ways with Clay (Dylan Minnette) experiencing the most negative reaction due in part to his deteriorating mental health.

In true 13 Reasons Why fashion, the season deals with a variety of topics ranging from the ongoing drug use of students, their safety in school, mental health, and it even touches upon the very timely topic of police brutality and racial profiling. And of course, it had to pull one last controversial publicity stunt which left one of our beloved characters dead before graduation day.

I’ve already written about my overall thoughts on the characters outcomes but I felt the final season also warranted its own review. In addition to the usual categories, I’ve also includes a spot for my favorite character and favorite couple of the entire season since this is the final season. Least favorite character of the series will not be featured because I don’t feel the need to write anything more about Bryce. I’m also going to try to keep the character portions short so that I don’t repeat myself.

As always, spoilers are ahead.

Favorite Episode: 4×09 — “Prom”

All I’ve ever wanted is for this group of teenagers to be happy and actually enjoy their youth instead of dealing with whatever shit was complicating their lives. Episode 9 finally gave that to us, if you ignore the last 3 minutes of the episode like I’m choosing to do.

This episode had some of my favorite scenes that left me crying tears of joy and had my heart swelling with pride. It was also the first time, in a long time, that we saw the entire group back together in Clay and Justin’s bedroom. I’ve always said this show is best when it’s characters are all united and share the screen together and that scene proved I was right. If only they would have supported each other from the beginning of this season instead of just at the end.

Episode 9 is also home to both Charlie and Alex’s coming out moments and they could not have been more perfect. I absolutely love that both of their families were accepting and didn’t even question their sons. Charlie’s scene with his dad literally had me laughing out loud when they were talking about Charlie’s obsession with Eli Manning. It’s such an innocent thing and yet it showcases that LGBT kids and teens are just like their heterosexual counterparts who have innocent crushes on celebrities and athletes. I also love that his dad basically said he knew but wanted Charlie to come to him when he was ready.

Alex’s coming out moment was equally as cute. I really loved the fact that his wasn’t a coming-out moment in the traditional sense because he didn’t sit his parents down and talk to them about his sexuality. Instead, he just shows up with Charlie who he introduces as his boyfriend. It was perfect and honestly, I think more shows and films should deal with coming-out stories that happen like this. I was once again laughing when Alex’s brother got all excited because he was dating the quarterback of the Liberty High football team. Plus, the heartfelt moment with both of his parents warmed my heart. All they’ve ever wanted for their son is to see him happy and healthy and they finally got that.

I loved Charlie’s promposals and how he kept trying to one-up them to get Alex to say yes. I’m wondering though if maybe he should have tried something more low-key and intimate since that seems to be more of Alex’s style. Either way, they were all cute and I’m glad Alex finally said yes. Also, I love that they finally realized that Jess didn’t need a boy on her arm to have a good time. Having her go with Ani was cute and felt a bit full circle since the only ever girlfriend she had was Hannah who she had a falling out with before her death. And I also love that Clay tagged along with Alex and Charlie to make sure Alex was comfortable. He’s always looking out. Honorable cute mentions also go to Caleb for finally getting Tony to participate in high school activities and Tyler for going with Estella and having the best time ever.

Of course, the prom scene as a whole was amazing (again, until the last 3 minutes which I will not be mentioning again…hopefully). Seeing these kids get to be teenagers warmed my heart and it was everything I ever wanted. I loved that the football team was behind Charlie and Alex winning Prom Kings. It really showed a growth in the team since they’d been homophobic and rapists in prior seasons but have finally started to mature and “be better” as Zach and later Charlie helped instill in them. I also love that Ani and Clay finally hashed out their weird relationship and that they were able to move on as friends.

I was so glad when Justin showed up at the prom. He deserved to have a great time and enjoy his dwindling senior year just like the rest of his friends. I love how they show the scene when Jess spots him in this cinematic and romantic way. Was it cheesy? Yes, but dammit these two deserve all the cheesiness after everything they’ve been through. I also love Jess’s line telling him to never love anything more than life. It was perfect and everything I wanted.

Oh, and Clay asking his mom to dance was equally as adorable.

The only thing I felt this episode needed (other than a different ending) was the inclusion of “The Night We Met.” That song is a staple of this series and it would have been nice to have it played at their final dance. Perhaps, they could have all come together on the dance floor like they did in season 2 for Clay.

Least Favorite Episode: 4×03 — “Valentine’s Day”

To be honest, the whole first half of the season was a hot mess but I think my least favorite episode had to be the third episode. I literally almost stopped watching after it because it no longer felt like I was watching 13 Reasons Why.

I found it to be an interesting choice by the writers to write another episode centered around a dance when we were going to get a prom episode and have had multiple dance centric episodes in prior seasons. I think it would have been more interesting if they set the drama somewhere else. Then again, dances seem to be the only way to get all these characters in one place at the same time so I digress.

My biggest issue with this episode was the whole plot surrounding Clay and the mysterious phone calls. I felt like I was watching a cheap knock off of Scream every time Clay answered the phone and was tormented by the caller. Of all the dumb things this show has done, this was the dumbest and completely unnecessary. After all, Clay had been cleared from being a person-of-interest in Bryce’s murder before Ani’s confession that Monty was the one who did it. Therefor, the football teams motive for taking their anger and emotions for Monty out on Clay made zero sense. Not to mention, they did it in the most unoriginal way ever.

This episode also featured Winston and Alex getting closer and dating. Look, I believe most characters can change and be good people but Winston doesn’t seem to be one of those people. Granted, Alex didn’t know who he was or his involvement with Monty at the time but we did which made it hard for me to root for these two. Winston may have actually had feelings for Alex, but to me he was just using him to get information and that is totally not cool.

I also greatly disliked Clay and Ani in this episode. It’s clear that their relationship has run its course and Ani’s constant need to keep pushing Clay to be with her was dumb. Ani is such a smart character and yet she does the stupidest things. She definitely needed one of Jess’s woman empowerment speeches.

Also I absolutely hated Zach yelling at Justin and then Jess yelling at Justin — even if she was right to do so.

By far the worst thing about this episode had to be the ending sequence with Clay in the shower and then on the football field. Of course, the episode then ended with him walking into the gym with a red stained shirt holding a knife. Definitely not a good image for Clay but what really killed me is that everyone blamed him for brining a knife to the dance when Diego and his boys literally planted it for him to take! Once again 13 Reasons Why forgets its own plot for more drama.

Favorite Character This Season: Charlie St. George

While Charlie might not be my all-time favorite character, he definitely earned the prize of being my favorite character this season.

Charlie was the one character this season who was actually there for everyone around him and wasn’t consumed with his own issues. In fact, Charlie is so selfless that he chose to get involved with all their drama last season when he didn’t need to but did anyway because he knew it was the right thing to do.

As for this season, well Charlie continued to out do himself. He helped Justin hold the football team accountable when they were being dicks. He made sure Jess was getting the team’s undivided attention during her speech. He tried to help Tony decide on what to do about Tyler’s gun pictures during the lockdown and he even calmed Alex down during one of his anxiety attacks. Not to mention, he researched Alex’s TBI so that he’d know what to expect and how to handle any issues that may arise from it. His helpfulness didn’t stop there. He also tried to be there for Clay and for Justin during the season. And he even went as far as tracking down Zach and forcing him to go see Justin in the hospital when he was dying.

If all that doesn’t prove that he’s the best character than I don’t know what will.

He also had the best coming-out moment and literally ruled the prom with Alex as his date.

So yeah, Charlie was the best.

Favorite Character Of The Series: Justin Foley

Since this is the final season, I also wanted to speak about my favorite character of the entire show: Justin Foley. If you read my other post this should come as no surprise that Justin is my ride-or-die character.

Justin is my favorite character because he has one of the best character arcs of the entire series (if you ignore the final episode and is horrible fate). In the first season he was this angry and broken kid who was so distraught with guilt that he turned to the streets for some kind of relief and eventual revenge. Thankfully, Clay and Tony were there to save him and the Jenson’s were kind enough to offer him a home when he had no where else to turn.

Sure, Justin still struggled with his addiction but he tried and fought so damn hard to get better. Relapse is part of the recovery process and if you recall, most of the times Justin relapsed were do in part to major things happening in his life, like his biological mother’s overdose which lead to her death.

Despite all the things against him, Justin finally got help this season and was on the path to recovery. He was thriving in school, had a college acceptance letter in his hands, and was finally happy. All Justin ever wanted to do was live and he constantly tried to do that.

As you know from my character thoughts post, I was completely devastated when he died. It’s been a week and I’m still not over it. I honestly feel like I lost someone I knew in real life.

Despite his ill fitted and unnecessary ending, Justin Foley had the best character development of this group. He was the one character who deserved to live more than anything. In my head, he’s alive and thriving in college while having regular FaceTime dates with Jess.

Least Favorite Character This Season: Winston

Avoiding the obvious answers like Bryce and Monty, who I hate with my entire being, I’ve decided that Winston is my least favorite character of season 4.

I mentioned this in my other post but I’m going to say it again, Winston is nothing more than a knock-off Clay who doesn’t have half the heart that Clay Jenson has.

I can’t get behind Winston because his entire character is rooted in being a rapist apologist because he “loved” Monty. Obviously, I don’t think Winston is a terrible person but I do think something is wrong with him since he is able to have feelings for Monty despite knowing all the terrible and hurtful things he did to people. I mean Mrs. Walker couldn’t look her own son in the eyes after learning everything he did and you’re telling me that Monty can turn a blind eye to it because he’s in love. I call bullshit.

I didn’t feel like Winston’s actions this season were rooted in good like Clay’s were. I think every relationship he formed with the core group was made because he wanted to get information out of them.

The only good thing Winston did was not turn Alex in for killing Bryce. In my opinion, though, that doesn’t redeem him for spending the entire season trying to seek revenge for Monty.

Favorite Couple This Season: Alex and Charlie

Let’s be honest, 13 Reasons Why doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships. Even the most iconic and shippable couples on the show are problematic. Which is why I was so shocked and proud when the writers finally decided to show a happy and healthy relationship, between two boys to top it all off!

While I’ll admit, I had been hoping that Alex would end up with Zach this season I am 110% sold that he was destined to be with Charlie. As I’ve said before and in this very post, Charlie is so caring and attentive to Alex that you can tell his feelings are completely authentic and he has no ulterior motive for wanting/choosing to be with Alex.

In fact, if you watch the third season carefully, you’ll notice that Charlie had taken an interest in Alex during that season. It just wasn’t as prominent on the screen. Perhaps, that’s part of the reason Charlie decided to get involved with this group. And once he found out Alex was the one who needed saving he jumped into action to plant Bryce’s tape on Monty. But that might be my brain stretching.

Regardless, Charlie and Alex are the perfect teenage couple and the by far the healthiest couple of this entire show. They’re there for each other, they celebrate each other’s victories (even if Alex doesn’t always understand them) and their love is unconditional.

These two may be Prom Kings but they’re also Kings of healthy relationships.

Favorite Couple Of The Series: Justin and Jess

Even though Alex and Charlie are the healthiest couple and by far my favorite this season, I can’t help but continue to ship Jess and Justin.

Now listen, these two are not a couple that should be idolized. They’re extremely toxic at times and they are way too dependent on each other. Not to mention, the origins of their relationship are complex and for some, immensely problematic. And yet, here I am stanning this couple because they’re so made for each other.

Part of what makes Justin and Jess work is that they understand each other, even when they don’t always want to. They both have been in each others shows. They both know what it’s like to be at rock bottom and to climb out on top. Beyond that, they’re (usually) always there for each other or at least are cheering each other on in some way.

Was Jess wrong this season to lash out as Justin when he told her he needed to focus on herself? Absolutely. But Justin was also in the wrong a few seasons ago when he didn’t fight to help Jess enough. Regardless of their issues and arguments, these two are always finding their way back to each other.

I loved that Justin went to Jess’s aide during the lockdown. Sure, it took Diego being an ass to get him there but I’m pretty sure he would have went regardless. Frankly I’m convinced that Justin was texting Jess during the lockdown before he even went down to see her. And, despite everything going on, in that moment they felt safe, because they were together.

I love that Justin, even though he was jealous of Diego, never really made it an issue — or at least, a major issue. When Zach is trying to rile him up at the Valentine’s Day dance Justin reminds him that Jess doesn’t belong to him. It’s the smallest thing but it a sign that he loves and respects Jess enough to let her be on her own. In fact, I’d argue that the real issue he has with Jess seeing Diego is that Diego is a complete dick to Clay and is obsessed with finding out the truth about Monty.

I love that Jess is (almost) always there for Justin. Should she have pulled him out of the alleyway when she finds him doing drugs again? Absolutely, but I think her choosing to walk away was an extremely hard decision for her to make. And I’m glad their story didn’t end there. I absolutely loved Jess’s speech to Justin at the prom. And the scene of them in the hospital completely wrecked me. Hearing Jess say that Justin taught her to love when he was still convinced he ruined her life was seriously the most heartbreaking thing ever.

As I said, I’m pretending these two are living a happy and healthy life because that’s what they deserve.

Complaints:

13 Reasons Why is strongest when the cast is together and supporting each other. Unfortunately this season everything felt disjointed, especially these characters relationships with each other. Alex and Jess had barely any scenes together despite committing a murder together. Zach was messy the entire season and acting very out of character. And no one cared enough to help him. Alex did try but it didn’t feel like enough, or maybe Zach was just too stubborn to accept it. The golden trio (Clay, Justin, and Jess) had little to no scenes until the end which hurt me to my core. I felt like Justin was missing from the first half of the season and then when he did get more time on screen he was literally dying. Clay and Tony barely had any scenes together and seemed annoyed with each other. Tyler was basically on his own this season – at least he had Estella. I guess I had higher hopes that our core group would be stronger than ever but that simply wasn’t the case and I’m upset about it.

My other major problem this season was the show’s need to try to be a psychological thriller. I fully support them wanting to show Clay’s deteriorating mental state and I found it interesting that they chose to go the disassociating route but I am not a fan of how they did it. I felt like the writers forgot the genre of their show. As I mentioned above, I also hated the football team using their phones to torment Clay. It was stupid and unoriginal.

Another issue I had this season was the fact that both Ani and Zach out Alex to different people. In Ani’s case she outed Alex to Clay by confessing that she caught him making out with Winston in the hallway during the dance. As for Zach, he outed Alex to almost all of their friends during the senior camping trip after learning that Alex broke up with Winston. While neither of them outed Alex with malicious intent, it was still wrong. I would have liked to see Alex confront them about it, at some point.

I absolutely hated and was disgusted at the fact the show tried to portray both Clay and Zach as people who would rape unconscious women who were unable to consent. I will never forgive the writers for that. It literally served no purpose and completely went again both of their characters.

I also found it extremely random and unneccesary that Clay hooks up with Valerie, Sheriff Diaz’s daughter, at that party. I don’t care that he hooked up with someone but because it was the daughter of the Sheriff I wanted that to be a bigger moment. I was waiting and expecting Sheriff Diaz to find out and flip out on Clay but that never happened. As it stands now, the only purpose that scene had was to inform us that Sheriff Diaz did have a family which would make his speech to Alex’s dad at the end of the season make sense.

I also wasn’t a fan of Monty and Bryce’s presence this season. Both of them already got their moments in the spotlight we didn’t need to see them again. They were monsters who don’t deserve any sort of redemption or yet another attempt of a redemption arc. I also found it extremely peculiar that Clay was the one that was seeing them. As I’ve said before, Clay wasn’t the one who came up with the idea to frame Monty so I wasn’t totally sure why he felt so guilty. I also hated that they gave Jess another scene with ghost Bryce at the end instead of having her see ghost Justin. If anyone deserved to be in that final scene where they’re burying Hannah’s tapes it was Justin. After all, he’s where the story began.

Speaking of the final scene, I felt it odd that they decided to bring Courtney and Ryan back. If they were going to reunite the entire tape crew where were Marcus and Sheri? Even though they weren’t prominent in the episode I felt their screen time could have been given to one of the other core characters instead.

Another minor thing, I missed the smooth transitions in and out of scenes that 13 Reasons Why always seemed to nail. I know they were mainly used when the story was switching from past and present but I truly missed them this season. Everything felt harsh and jagged and I wasn’t a fan.

Lastly, and this one is going to be obvious. I hated that they killed Justin. There was no reason for his death. There was no hint that he was the one who was going to die. It was unnecessary and a last ditch attempt to be controversial and shocking. I’m not over it and I’ll never be over it.

Praise:

Most of the things I’m going to write here I’ve said elsewhere so I apologize for any repetition.

As I said above, one of my favorite things about this season was Alex and Charlie’s coming out scenes. Something I have yet to mention though, is that I love how Alex turned to Tony when he was still in the midst of questioning his sexuality. It was a really sweet moment and it showcased Tony and Alex’s friendship. I also love that Tony answered the question without questing Alex on why he was asking. Tony could have asked Alex if he was questioning his sexual identity or something else but he chose not to because it’s not his place.

Speaking of Tony, I adored the scene with his father when Caleb told him about Tony’s college opportunity. Tony was so adamant on turning it down because he wanted to keep the auto shop going and to hear his father tell him that Tony is his dream was heartwarming. I think we all knew that his father just wants what is best for Tony but to hear him say it was important.

I did like the scene where the tape crew was reunited. It felt very full circle but I think they should have burned the tapes instead of burying them. I swear to god, if in 10 years this show gets a reboot because someone finds the tapes I’m going to die. I was a bit confused though since it didn’t appear that all the tapes were in the box. And I still think Justin should have been a part of it in some way. After all, he was the start of the tapes. Bryce may have brought them all together in a twisted way, but without Justin they wouldn’t have existed either.

Everything considered, I’m glad we did get to see Jess and Justin together in the end. To me they are endgame — even though Diego tries to get Jess to date him right after Justin’s death. I’ll cherish the prom scene and even the scenes in the hospital forever.

Also regarding Justin’s fate, I loved his final scene with Clay. The series spends so much time trying to get us to believe that Justin found a brother in Bryce, but I never bought it. Justin’s only brother was Clay and that essay proved that. It was so heartfelt and sad and I loved it. I also love that Clay admits to Justin that he doesn’t know how to go on without him but Justin assures him that he does.

I also did like the ending scene with Clay and Tony, even though in my perfect world it was Clay and Justin driving off to college together. It was a nice full circle moment. Although, I will admit my anxiety was through the roof because I seriously thought they were going to get into an accident. After all, it is 13 Reasons Why.

Lastly, I want to discuss the final scene at the police station between Alex’s dad and Sheriff Diaz. I spent a lot of this season and last season hating Sheriff Diaz but he certainly redeemed himself in that moment. There’s no doubt in my mind that he realized that Alex was the one who killed Bryce. And yet, he understood that Alex is a good kid who doesn’t deserve to be in jail. He understood that Bryce and Monty were both monsters. He knew that if the truth got out Alex’s dad would fall apart. His speech about putting family before his job was important and impactful.

As I’ve said, of all the shitty things this show has done the one thing they actually got right was letting Alex walk free. I never would have forgiven them if they had sent Alex to jail. After all, he’s not a monster he’s the hero of the story.

                                                         * * *

I still have mixed feelings about the final season and I think I will for the rest of time. Had they not have killed Justin I feel like I would have felt a lot better about the conclusion of the show. But if 13 Reasons Why has taught me anything its that life is not fair and that we cannot let tragedy dictate our entire lives. We must live (and continue watching questionable television shows).

You can stream the final season of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix.

What did you think of the final season of 13 Reasons Why? What was your favorite and least favorite episode? Who do you ship? Are you happy with the ending? Let me know in the comments or by tweeting me @3RsBlog.

Featured Image Source: Netflix

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Two Weirdos in a Pod

Characters: Matthew Gray Gubler x Reader

Word Count: 1,185

Warnings: pure fluff

Summary: You and Matthew have a spare bedroom to do whatever you want with. When you buy two big watermelons, you have a perfect way to utilize the room.

Author’s Note: This is the July 13th fic “Watermelon” for the 30 Day Writing Challenge. If you have any requests, please send them in! this is unbeta’d and every mistake is all on me.

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Gripping the two watermelons in your hand, you hobbled down the street back to your house. There has been something you wanted to try for a while, and now that you had a spare room that could be used for whatever you wanted, you figured now was a great time to execute your plan. Your husband was out with his coworkers and wouldn’t be back home for a while, so you figured you’d wait until he came home. Being the weird, goofy, and childish self he was, you knew he would want to participate in this.

Being married to Matthew has been some of the best years of your entire life. Even though it’s been almost four years, you could still remember the exact day you two met. February 19th, 2012 is the day your sister showed you around the set of Criminal Minds where Matthew was. He was so excited to be directing an episode of the show, and AJ couldn’t wait for you to meet everyone. They had been so nice and welcoming, but you felt drawn to the tall lanky man who smiled a lot. He has one of the best smiles you’ve ever set your eyes on, and his personality made him shine even if he was in a dark room.

After the initial day, you found yourself coming back more and more. At first, you used the excuse that you wanted to be with your sister, but you would spend all your time with Matthew instead of her. Everyone saw how much you’ve grown close to him, and they were silently rooting for you two to get together. Weekend visits turn to random weekday visits which turn to weekend sleepovers until you thought you would stay on set the entire time. AJ loves having you there, and your job allowed you to work from virtually anywhere, so you got to spend a lot of time with her and Matthew.

His trailer was always open for you, and he loved it when you took advantage of it. When you slept over in his trailer, he used to sleep on his tiny couch while he let you take the bed, but you kept feeling bad when you overheard him complaining to his friends about his back problems. That’s when you suggested you both sleep in the same bed which is what you two gladly did. There had been a lot of nights where you two would stay up all night to talk about literally anything, and he wasn’t complaining about back problems but tiredness from staying up all night.

It was him that initiated things. He found a really cool light show that was happening a few towns over from set and asked you to be his date. From there on, things kind of took off naturally. He made you feel so comfortable in your own skin, you could be who you were around him, there wasn’t any need to lie, hide, or shy away from him. He had such an infectious laugh that it was almost impossible to be sad around him. Sure, you had arguments and fights like any normal couple, but the love was standing strong. Those arguments and fights bound the love tighter if that were possible. He was your other half, and you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with him.

Your wedding day was truly the most special day of your entire life. The only thing you looked forward to more than your own wedding was the day you gave birth. No, you’re not pregnant, but you and Matthew talked about starting soon. It’s been four years since you two said, “I do”, and it was time to expand your loving family. The only thing that could make life better was being with him and doing all kinds of crazy activities such as the one you were planning. You’ve seen videos online about watermelons exploding when enough rubber bands were placed around the middle, and you vowed to do that in the spare room. It wasn’t being used at the moment, and this experiment would certainly add a dash of color to the walls once they exploded.

As you rounded the corner of your street, you saw Matthew’s car in the driveway which meant he was home. Picking up your pace, you waddled yo the steps before using the tip of your right foot to rang the doorbell. Your keys were in your pockets, but you were carrying two very heavy watermelons that you didn’t feel like putting down.

“What are you doing?” Matthew asked once he opened the door. He looked at the security camera you two had that faced the front of the house, and he grinned when he saw you carrying two watermelons. After taking one from your hand, you walked inside and he shut the door behind you.

“I wanted to try something. Follow me to the spare room,” you ordered as you walked down the hall to the room.

“I was wondering why there were two night tables and a few packs of rubber bands on them when I got home,” he chuckled as he followed you.

“Yeah. Have you seen those videos online about watermelons exploding when enough rubber bands were placed around the middle of them?” you asked as you set your watermelon on one table.

“Yeah.”

“We’re going to do that now. It will give the white walls some color, plus, we get a tasty snack when we’re done,” you grinned.

“Next thing you’re telling me is that this is the watermelon room where all we do is smash them and paint the walls with their blood,” he laughed.

“Don’t tempt me, babe,” you winked as you opened up a packet of rubber bands. “You in?”

“Yeah, this could be fun,” he chuckled as he opened his own package. The two of you made small talk as you placed the rubber bands on the melon, and when there was enough on there, you knew it would explode at any given moment.

“Okay, this is definitely the one that breaks the camel’s back,” you declared as you gently placed a rubber band around the middle. However, it didn’t break.

“Ha! I bet mine will!” Matthew did the same but neither of them snapped.

“Together. On three?” You asked as you both got ready. At the same time, you placed the rubber band around the middle. The stress of that one band caused both watermelons to explode and hit the wall in every direction. Shielding yourself from the raining bits, red splashed on the walls before the chunks of the fruit slid to the floor. Luckily the room was tile so cleaning the floor would be easy.

“We did it!” you exclaimed as you clapped. Matthew laughed as he picked watermelon bits out of his hair before walking to you.

“You’re really weird, you know that?” he asked as his arms slid around your waist from behind.

“Like you aren’t. We’re two weirdos in a pod,” you grinned as you turned around and kissed him tenderly. Life was just more fun that way.

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[hellsbovnd-archive]

LF RP — LEONNAUX ALTOIX

For all practical purposes a ghost, this Elezen only appears on public records as far back as three summers ago. It’s likely, then, that he’s chosen to live under an assumed name. He tends to use his appearance to his advantage, passing himself off as a Wildwood whenever it suits his interests—which, given the discrimination that Duskwights face, is more often than not.

He first stepped into the public’s eye as a small-time journalist—and, unbeknownst to all but those closest to him, the proprietor of The Cloak & Dagger (under the alias “Crow”). He is passionate about magicks and has a demonstrated talent for alchemy beyond what one may expect of a man who’s only twenty and one summers old. Shortly after founding The Cloak & Dagger, he retired from journalism to pursue academia full-time.

In Character

Profession(s): Academic — Director of Alizarine Research & Reclamation ( @alizarinefc ). Information Broker — Proprietor of The Cloak & Dagger, and current self-proclaimed leader of the Ebonguard ( @ebonguardls ). Formerly — Mythril Eye beat journalist.

Alignment: Generally neutral. Loyal to the Eorzean Alliance, but not particularly interested in being a law-abiding citizen.

Professional Talents: Magic — Arcanima and other rune-based arcane arts. Alchemy. Warding and minor enchantment. Illusions. Bartending/mixology.

Current Residence: The Goblet, Sultana’s Breath.

Likely Haunts: Ul’dah and Thanalan, primarily. Bookstores. Antique Shops. Magic Shops. Bars and Taverns. Gambling Establishments.

Hobbies: Gambling, primarily poker and other card games. Magic tricks, primarily sleight of hand. Reading, anything he cant get his hands on. Occasionally writes poetry. Music. Fashion.

Abbreviated Bio: Leonnaux is a Shroud-born Duskwight. He is obsessively studious and somewhat selfish in nature, though simultaneously surprisingly laid-back. Those who can make it past his strictly-business demeanor might note a heart of gold, despite the kind of work he’s often involved in via The Cloak & Dagger.

Having run away from home and come to Ul’dah, he quickly had to find a way to make money, which led him to dip his toes into the criminal underworld... and after he took the plunge, he never looked back, using his position as a journalist as leverage over his contacts. He took advantage of his new-found freedom (both in person and, to an extent, in finances) to continue his studies into the flow of aether and alchemy.

MORE INFORMATION: Full Bio | Tag

Out of Character

Hi there! I’m Mid and I use they/them pronouns! I’m generally most active during NA Evenings and Late Nights. I play on Balmung, but I'm open to RP connections from across the Crystal datacenter.

You can find detailed information about my hopes and expectations for RP on my dossier, here. The quick and dirty version:

OOC Communication > All

I am a med/heavy lore-strict RPer. I prefer medium-to-low power levels in RP and character- and plot-driven scenes. I won’t RP with any player under the age of 18 but as long as you’re not making it weird/creepy, I don’t have a problem with underage characters.

I run an FC and an LS, so I can be pretty busy OOC because I have to run a lot of stuff related to that.

I do not RP on Discord, but I have always been smitten with Tumblr RP as a longform format, so if in-game RP is impossible for some reason, I’m happy to write starters.

In terms of things I’m looking for:

Casual acquaintances and friends!

Business contacts!

Long-term plot-focused RP connections!

Recommendations for events to attend? (And company to drag me along since I hate flying solo.)

Discord and Linkshell communities! Leonnaux is a Shroud-born Duskwight, a criminal, and a mage, so any Discords and Linkshells catering to that would be great for forging connections, though I'm fairly shy. u.u

In relation to some character development, I would love to find a mentor for Leonnaux!

Detailed RP Hooks Under the Cut!

Thanks for reading! If you're interested in playing with me then please feel free to send me a message or make a note of it in the tags or comments on this post. My Discord is available for OOC arrangements and chatter upon request! If I’m slow please bear with me; I have a habit of getting absolutely swamped with stuff at more or less complete random, and my energy levels vary wildly from day to day and week to week.

RP Hooks

1. The Academic/Scholarly Community.

While the majority of Leonnaux’s academic career has been spent in seclusion, teaching himself the skills he’s learned, he eventually came out of his shell. He’s always looking to expand his horizons, and has an extensive personal collection (although it’s doubtful that he’s read every book cover-to-cover).

Leonnaux is very interested in alchemy and, as he practices a mixture of arcanima-rooted rune-based magic and component-based magic resembling alchemy, he’s always itching to learn more about other schools of thought regarding the art. He’s taken a shine to Ul’dahn alchemy since moving to Ul’dah, but he himself heavily utilizes traditionally Duskwight methods. 

Despite his talent for alchemy, he also doesn’t always have the time or knowledge to go out and collect his own reagents and materials, so he relies heavily on outside help, be they merchants in Ul’dah or independent suppliers.

He is also the director of Alizarine Research & Reclamation, a company focused on such academic pursuits as well as the study and acquisition of artifacts, regardless of whether their significance lays in their history or their properties.

2. The Criminal Element

For a long time, Leonnaux’s primary source of income was selling information. He’s always had somewhat of a disdain for law and authority, viewing such things necessary only insofar as they serve his ends. 

He sells secrets and whispers under the guise of a somewhat ostentatious man known as “Crow,” using his “messenger” (really a cover to ensure that he was taken seriously in his work, and to protect his identity/safety if things went awry) as an intermediary between himself and business contacts as a means of protecting his identity due to the nature of his work. He is also not above thievery and is knowledgeable about underground trade networks.

“Crow” is also known to be the leader of a loose criminal network that he calls “the Ebonguard” and is the proprietor of an establishment known as The Cloak & Dagger, a restaurant meant to be a sort of ‘neutral ground’ for criminals and n’er-do-wells to do business and have a good bite to eat.

Leonnaux is known to gamble his money in seedy places. More than happy to sit for a game of cards or a cigarette, one might notice that he can get an uncanny winning streak going under the right conditions. The keenest might be able to connect the dots to the pronounced talent for sleight of hand and other magic tricks that he seems to possess.

In the criminal underground as Crow, he’s earned a reputation for declining the use of force except where absolutely necessary, instead preferring to use blackmail and public humiliation as his primary source of leverage over his contacts and clients. However as he’s given up his job as a journalist, he lacks that leverage and his position is far more precarious. Past clients or contacts with an axe to grind are 100% welcome as pre-established contacts, as long as we talk about it first! 

3. Contract Work.

Leonnaux is more than willing to take contract work, although he has his boundaries. This is in its own heading because he’s willing to take work to research things or track down artifacts as he is to sell information or organize heists to steal valuables. His only hard line is that he won’t kill on contract and he will not aid in any plot involving human trafficking.

Note though that Leonnaux is comfortable enough financially that he may not take every job that’s pitched to him. High risk jobs that offer little reward are likely to be declined, but if the pot is sweet enough then he can be convinced to do anything that doesn’t cross one of his hard lines.

(Note that RPing contracts in the east will be difficult, as I don’t generally play with IC teleportation due to playing on the lower end of the power spectrum.)

4. Mentor + Apprentice

Leonnaux is primarily a self-taught mage, though recently he’s been shown that while it’s an impressive accomplishment, he’s nowhere near as skilled as his peers. His casting is sloppy and reliant upon prerequisite components, which means that he’s not great in situations where he has to improvise. In general he lacks discipline, and he can’t take a hit to save his life. He would love to get stronger, but is unsure of how to go about it.

(Note: This is an extremely long-term plot hook, so I won’t pursue it with anyone I’m not comfortable with. If you’re interested in exploring a mentor/apprentice dynamic with Leonnaux as the apprentice, then feel free to reach out to me and we’ll get talking; I’d like to get to know you via unrelated interactions and general shitposting/chatter first! Forgive me for being awkward, though, I’m very bad at keeping up with people. orz)

Leonnaux is also open to passing on his knowledge of alchemy to others, given that he practices an unusual form of it and would like to see the Duskwight practices preserved outside of Duskwight communities.

[personagf-moved]

alphabet & soft questions ✨

I was tagged by my bb’s @prksjmiin (alphabet ask) and @joonieblossoms (soft ask) and i didn’t want to make two separate posts so im gonna apologize in advance bc i decided to stick both posts together :’) dkdkkdkd yall aint gotta read everything but if u do ily and im sorry i write novels on novels dlfksdkf

i’ll tag @koyasdad, @1ovegf, @joonlit, @sleepyyyoongs, @constellationstars and @capgi 💘

honestly feel free to do either one or both or none if u want dkkdkdkd i just wanted to tag u guys bc ily

Alphabet ask:

a // age: 21

b // birthplace: new jersey!

c // current time: 1:17 am

d // drink you had last: coffee

e // easiest person to talk to: my brother when he isnt being an absolute fool

f // favorite songs: 

aint it fun - paramore

trivia love 

honey - kehlani

abbey - mitski

moonlight - ariana grande

g // grossest memory: i was in the city one time and a bird shit on my forehead. i think about it at least twice a week 

h // horror yes or horror no:  H O R R O R   Y E S   B A B E E E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y im the absolute worst person i’ll dead ass watch a scary movie/video or read horror stories by myself just bc. 

i // in love: with my whole ass soulmate namjoon. i luv u string bean man

j // jealous of people: im not even gonna try to lie i am a very jealous person and i am so sorry about it but i really cant help it lmfao. blame my scorpio venus i guess

k // kids of your own someday: when i say i have been thinking about this everyday.........! i wanna have it all i want the kids the white picket fence the dream house everything. i cant wait to be a mommy one day and love n support my bb’s :’)

l // love at first sight or should i walk by again: we a whole ass fool on main and believe in love at first sight!!!! i really do believe soulmates are a true thing and if a love is destined to be across an infinite span of lifetimes and universes then it will always find its way back. when you know, you know, and i genuinely believe that. 

m // middle name: padilla

n // number of siblings: 1 older brother, 1 half brother (older), and 1 half sister (older)

o // one wish: to find true love

p // person you last called: my manager bc i had a work question lol

q // question you’re always asked: “why are you like this” (usually friends @ me when i wild out...which is like everyday), “are you mad?”, “how old are you REALLY?”, “how’s your brother?” (bc he ghosts all family n i have to speak on his behalf like always fsdfjksdf)

r // random fact about you: i once used a horrible bootleg copy of the force awakens to make a star wars crack video dubbing the part in shrek when he first meets donkey over the scene when rey first met bb-8 and it went viral and has like 200,000 notes and even had articles written about it. also i had a weird fascination with jar jar binks and danny devito when i was in high school and i had a habit of making either one of them my icon on school accounts so i could make people laugh when they emailed me or saw me in a word document skfkkkfkf

s // song you last sang: “abbey” by mitski :’(

t // time you woke up: exactly 10 this morning and it was weird bc i picked up my phone and it had JUST turned 10 when i looked i was so shook lol 

u // underwear colour: she be black 

v // vacation destination: paris bc im a basic bitch :’) also japan/all asian countries. i wanna connect with my roots more :/

w // worst habit: yeeting the fuck outta people’s lives when i think they’re getting too close/when i get overwhelmed. im sorry im a flighty bitch @ anyone i’ve ever ghosted :( i love anyone who’s ever tried to talk to me and its never ur fault, i just get the urge to escape sometimes and i’m trying to fix it 

x // x-rays: omg @ tori dead ass me too tho, i had x-rays when i broke my arm when i was around 6 :o

y // your favorite food: my mom’s spaghetti! and sushi. also i love any and all filipino food but specifically i like nilaga and kare-kare oooo baby

z // zodiac sign: we’re a proud libra sun 

Soft ask:

What’s the smell of your shampoo?

we got them fruity scents up in here we keep that shit smellin like a goddamn strawberry field take a fuckin whiff babes

What’s your aesthetic?

the moon and stars, soft pink and purple sunsets with a burning red on the horizon, sunrises as well, paintings and generally all art revolving around flowers and the celestial, pretty pastel pink and yellow, the sound and smell of rain falling against the window while being curled up in bed uwu 

What’s your favorite time of the day and why?

lately it’s been night time. i generally get more creative and feel more at home during the night. i miss being a morning person tho. 

What do you most like about the beach?

not a lot fklsjdjfkslkdflksdlkf i usually only go to get a tan and walk the boardwalk with my friends, but if i had it my way i would never step foot in the ocean for the rest of my life sdjdjdjdjsj we dont trust her!!!!!!!!!

What do you worry about constantly?

when i’m gonna figure out what i wanna do with my life lol. i took a year off to think about it but all i ended up doing was working myself to exhaustion and getting comfy in a work only mindset and now i’m only even more confused about what i want to pursue. i’m just glad im going to chicago next week because i feel like a change of setting for even just a week could give me a much needed reset on my mindset going into the next year. i worry about the future but the problem is i worry about the present too lol. oh well, we’ll figure it out!

What is a song you’ve cried to before?

oh boy...

trivia love

moonchild

first love

she used to be mine - waitress soundtrack

20 something - sza

26 - paramore

the letter - kehlani

landslide - fleetwood mac

when you see my friends - mayday parade

and many........many many more...... skskskks music is my main emotional outlet so naturally im gonna cry over anything that reflects my heart

What are some relaxing tips for your followers?

as The World’s Number One Most Stressed Out Human Being™️ i am definitely in no way fit to give advice on how to relax LMFAO 

but i guess something that always works for me is putting on music i KNOW will make me sing a long or make me happy to distract me from the nerves i’m feeling. also putting on my favorite comfort movies to make me feel better (they’re big fish, scott pilgrim vs the world, and spirited away btw lol)

 What are some things that make you tear up?

the ending of coco, seeing my mom cry, or anyone i love cry tbh, when children are neglected/abused, thinking about the world i’ll have to bring my future children into and how i’m going to be able to teach them to stay strong and bright in the face of it, lyrics that hit too close to home, absolutely anything tbh i cry easy

What is your favorite from each sense?

sight - the view of my cherry blossom tree against a pink sunset in the spring of my childhood home, a person’s eyes and how they light up when they smile, especially when they crinkle as they laugh

smell - the earth after rain, a forest in autumn

taste - my mom’s cooking, good coffee on an early morning

sound - beautiful melodies and harmonies to accompany them, a baby cooing, birds chirping at sunrise

touch - my pillow when its nice and cool, a cat’s tummy, a baby’s cheeks, fingers running through my hair

What is an alternative reality you’d like to live in?

one where im married to namjoon n we have a lot of smart musical prodigy babies who have his dopey smile and i live comfortably in our big ass home in korea where i raise our babies n get that good pipe down every night like i should

jk i wanna live in a reality where magic is real and i can cast spells and live my best life as the true witch that i am

What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

for starters im ugly as shit so theres one

if we mean practically then i have really bad knees and i recently busted them again so its been really hard getting up and down stairs lately and bending over 

but idk theres not really much. emotionally i just tend to get withdrawn and timid in public so it can be hard for me to speak up when i go out

What is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?

unfortunately i haven’t read as many books lately as i did when i was younger...so a lot of my memories are from books that i read like as a kid lol......THAT BEING SAID i think rue and finnick’s death in the hunger games was truly heartbreaking to read, the spine of my copies of both books have cracks on those pages bc i had to read it several times just to really believe it. also i thought it was written so heart wrenchingly well that i had to go back.  also in looking for alaska when pudge, a man who loved to know people’s last words, realized that he would never know alaska’s last words. im also really thankful for that book bc it introduced me to wh auden’s poetry and to this day he’s still one of my favorite poets of all time.  

Say something to your followers:

thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for following me and for some reason deciding to stay after how many times i act up on the daily. all jokes aside i really appreciate every single one of you no matter the number and i sincerely hope that you always have love and joy in your heart and that 2019 treats you well. i HONESTLY mean it when i say that i am always here if you guys want to talk or send me things or roast me or talk shit seriously i wanna hear it all and talk about it all i think all of you are so interesting and so beautiful and i’d love to get to know more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! yeet!

[hazyheel]

Smackdown Live 4/2/19 Review

We started the night with a new installment of the Kevin Owens Show, with Randy Orton and AJ Styles. Owens confronted Orton about his interference in the match last week, and Orton simply said that no one wanted to see Styles vs. Kurt Angle. Styles responded by saying that the RKO is the only move he knows. Orton again insulted Styles’ indie roots, saying that he was just wrestling in high school gyms, the same argument he always had. Styles then brought up Orton’s drug suspensions, which seemed to bother him a lot. Orton completely ignored that point, saying that Styles wasn’t in WWE because he wasn’t good enough, and that he is the new corporate bitch now that Cena is gone. Owens then just walked out of the ring, as the two started to brawl. Orton countered the Phenomenal forearm with an RKO, and Styles stayed on the mat.

Grade: B+. Even though this was really just a rehash of what they have done the past few weeks, it is entertaining, and I like it. it is a personal feud, Randy seems into it, and I think they can put on a great match. I’m looking forward to it, probably the most out of the non-title matches.

Next was an 8-man tag, pitting the Usos, Ricochet and Aleister Black against The Bar, Shinsuke Nakamura and Rusev. Seeing Ricochet and Cesaro start out the match really made me think about the sheer amount of raw talent in this match. I mean, at least 6 out of 8 of these guys are amazing wrestlers, and I would argue that all of them are above average. The match didn’t have much to it, but there was a fun finisher fest, and the Usos got the pin on Rusev. But after the match, Alexa Bliss showed up, and announced that all of these teams will be against each other for the Smackdown Tag Team Championships at Wrestlemania. They brawled, and Ricochet and Aleister Black stood tall as usual.

Grade: B. Oddly fun match. Reminded me of the multi man matches of New Japan. Plus, I was hoping that the Smackdown Tag Team Championships would have a match, but it should have been to unify them with the Raw belts. Should be pretty fun though.

The Iiconics then came out to address their match on Sunday, basically running down the normal “we can pin anyone to win the belts.” I really like them on the main roster, they are having a lot more success than they did in NXT, and I like them a lot. I don’t think, nor really want them to win, but if they did I wouldn’t be heartbroken.

In an interesting booking choice, the Miz took on SAnitY in a 3 on 1 handicap match. Glad to see those guys again, but they really should be in the fatal 4-way rather than Black and Ricochet, just because Black and Ricochet are already in a wrestlemania weekend match. Before the match, Miz cut a promo saying that his match is about proving that he is a good family man, and proving that he is a better man than Shane McMahon. Shane McMahon came out to start the match himself. Miz was doing quite well, but Shane then announced that the handicap match was also falls count anywhere. Miz then brawled with his opponents through the crowd, backstage and eventually outside, before smashing Eric Young’s head with a cart and pinning him for the win.

Grade: D. The action was fine, but there was no reason for the Miz to win here. I get keeping him strong, but beating a three man team in a no DQ match? That is too much, especially when two of his opponents are pretty big guys. This was an absolute burial of SAnitY, and it made them look like shit. They used to be dangerous, but the Miz kicked their asses the entire match. I just can’t stand that. Miz should be an underdog, but he looks like he will definitely win on Sunday. But maybe that is what we are supposed to think.

Then, Becky Lynch emerged from a cop car and cut a promo on top of the announce table. She recounted her previous year, about how it seemed like Rousey and Flair were going to take the main event of Wrestlemania 35, but she was able to throw a wrench into those plans and become the champion that she was meant to be. She gave a rousing (no pun intended) speech about how she was going to go to wrestlemania as a bit of an underdog, but with all the love of the fans. Then she dropped her Mic, and took in the applause.

Grade: B-. Becky’s writing has gone downhill for a while now, but she is still a pretty good anti-hero. She is charismatic enough to draw people to her, and she is still a pretty interesting underdog. She is hot as hell right now, and the fans want her to win really really bad.

Then, we had an 18 person mixed tag team match, pitting Carmella, Asuka, Naomi, Nikki Cross, Heavy Machinery, R-Truth and the Hardy’s against Lana, Sonya Deville, Mandy Rose, Zelina Vega, Andrade, EC3, The Good Brothers and Shelton Benjamin. Lacy Evans had a cameo in the very beginning of the match, and it was basically a greatest hits match. Otis hit the caterpillar, R-Truth and Carmella had a seven second dance break. Everyone started to brawl and the match was thrown out, and they did that over-the-top-rope fight thing that they do before the rumble and stuff. Otis was being creepy towards Rose at one point, jiggling around before being thrown out by Shelton Benjamin. Nikki Cross acted crazy, and even attacked Benjamin, taking him out of the ring. Asuka was the last woman standing, aiding Jeff Hardy by attacking EC3, making those two the “winners.” Then Asuka threw Jeff over the top, to make a point I think?

Grade: D-. I like greatest hits, and I like that they actually used the people in the Battle Royal for a match, rather than having a weird lumberjack stip. But I still don’t really care about the battle royal.

Samoa Joe then came out for a match against Ali. I fucking hate that they took his first name, Mustafa Ali was an awesome name and that is how he became a star on 205 Live. He and Andrade have been robbed. It is only a matter of time before Aleister Black just becomes Aleister. Anyway, the two had a strike based match. Joe rolled out of the way of a 450 splash and locked in the Coquina Clutch for the win.

Grade: B. Decent match for how short it was. If it had more time then it could’ve been a great match. Looking forward to the US Championship match.

And in the main event, we had the contract signing for the WWE Championship match. Rowan was flanking Daniel Bryan, while Xavier Woods and Big E backed up Kofi. The crowd was super into Kofi, chanting straight through Daniel Bryan’s promo. Bryan told the crowd to never become complacent like Kofi had, and told them not to sit on the sidelines of your own life. He said that Kofi waited until he was handed an opportunity. The crowd had none of it. Kofi then stood up and said that he watched Daniel Bryan become the WWE Champion. He never minded that he didn’t have a 1 on 1 WWE Championship match because he was a company man. He didn’t complain, because it wasn’t his time, but now is his time. He said that Bryan knows what comes next in this tale, because Bryan lived it. He said that Bryan was scared, and rightfully so. Kofi then signed the contract, and they squared off to end the show.

Grade: A. Kofi is cutting the promos of his life, Bryan is the perfect cocky and insulting heel. What could be better? The fans are firmly behind Kofi at this point, and he needs to win at Wrestlemania. I don’t know how much of this push was supposed to go to Mustafa Ali (I refuse to just call him Ali) but it is definitely benefitting Kofi much more. Any other year, I would have loved to see this in the main event.

Overall Grade: B+, on the weaker side.

Pros: Opening Promo; 8-man tag; Becky Promo; Joe vs. Ali; Contract Signing

Cons: SAnitY burial; mixed tag match

[deadcactuswalking]

The Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2020

Screw your introductions. It’s 2020, we haven’t got time for a pre-amble. This is the best list.

THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2020

For 2018 and 2017, I did four massive lists with at least 10 songs each discussed in depth for the end of the year. I’m proud of them and I stick by them but they’re tedious to write and read. You really need some kind of visual medium for them to work that well, at least in my style of year-end lists. Thankfully, there are hundreds of people doing just that so instead, I’m just going to take 10 songs I remember from the predicted year-end list and ramble about them in hopefully a more precise way. Let’s start with... oh, for f—

#10

“I Hope” – Gabby Barrett

Peak: #3

I don’t like country music, or really get country music. I’m British, I’m not supposed to, but as I do watch charts I see country music gaining increased prominence on the charts, in an era of streaming I didn’t think it could really cope with. I’m using SailorCharts’ predictions for the Billboard Year-End Hot 100; this is at #10, which is crazy to me. That’s probably thanks to that nonsensical Charlie Puth remix but let’s ignore that for the sake of my sanity. “I Hope” is vindictive, overly harsh and absolutely repulsive. It shows an uglier side to Gabby Barrett that you’d usually only be able to see if you look up her political views, but that’s what makes it so uniquely cathartic to me. This is a person who I disagree with heavily on a moral principle ripping off a middling Carrie Underwood track with blown-out, compressed and really gross production... but that’s 2020 for you. It’s hard to listen to with a straight face or without turning it off, but you have to endure it. You have to listen to this woman croakily belt her overlong chorus until the melody of that hook grounds itself into your mind, and you remember that climax point. “And then I hope she cheats”. Barrett isn’t destroying the guy’s sports car as a metaphor for her revenge fantasy like Underwood, she is just completely upfront about how much she wants this guy to be left emotionally distraught by this new relationship out of pure spite. Nothing represents the constant aggravation of 2020 finally releasing and expressing all of the fears and anger society has kept curled up until they were forced to isolate for the sake of common human respect and dignity, and the fact that people are adamant that they’ve had enough of oppression, inequality and the elite, than those squealing guitars in the second chorus and Barrett’s raspy delivery. This song is far from perfect – I’ve seen many argue it’s not good at all – but it feels necessary this year as an avenue for the public to vent their frustration. Now let’s do that with someone who isn’t a Trump supporter.

#9

“The Bigger Picture” – Lil Baby

Peak: #3

Yeah, speaking of songs being necessary, I admire Lil Baby, a person with a platform who people, especially the youth, will listen to, for making a protest song like this. Regardless of how many rappers express their grievances about racial inequality and societal issues, the person with the biggest and most impactful voice will always matter the most to me. The most important issue Baby gets at here is that racism isn’t new or simple. It’s complex. It’s deep-seated. It’s systematic. It exists in the very way people function under their governments and how people live their lives and do business. Even me mentioning business is a sign of how capitalism undermines the struggle for the economy. Lil Baby speaks from his own experience in Atlanta and gets to the heart of real Black struggle in the United States, with the inherent fear and defiance that many young Black men have of the police and authority, regardless of background or criminal record (oftentimes non-existent, unlawful or directly targeted). Sure, he dips his toe into some centrist ideas, which I’m not a fan of, but they aren’t rooted in this “why can’t we all get along?” crap often spouted by those who don’t want to see social upheaval affect the money flow. It’s not just rich old white dudes either, look at Lil Pump, Lil Wayne and Kanye West, and how buddied up they got with Trump for their own desperate financial security and outright refusal, in many ways hypocritical, to help the working-class and the disadvantaged. They’re only disadvantaged because of the elite. It should not be an inherent birth right to be impoverished, but that’s how we live, and I admire Baby for attempting to make a change over the melancholy pianos and trap skitters. Oh, and yeah, he’s flowing and spitting over this. He’s not boring and overly pretentious. He’s engaging. He makes you want and need to listen to him because he, like many Black people in America and oppressed minority groups worldwide, has got something to say. We’ve got to start somewhere. Black lives matter. Now for some honourable mentions.

Honourable Mentions

Let’s have a lighter tone, perhaps, for these next few entries, but first, let’s run through some honourable mentions, in no particular order other than where they are on the predicted Hot 100.

“Blinding Lights” – The Weeknd

This song has already been talked about to death, by about March, so I’d be doing a disservice to discuss it here.

“Don’t Start Now” – Dua Lipa

Same here. This is a weird list because whilst this would be in the top five if I had more to say about it, I don’t have much to say about it other than how it is a perfectly composed pop song. I want to discuss songs I actually care about on a level more than pure sonic enjoyment, so make of that what you will.

“ROCKSTAR” – DaBaby featuring Roddy Ricch

Roddy Ricch should be absolutely treasured while he’s still here.

“Life is Good” – Drake and then Future

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about pop music in 2020 it is that Future, when he’s on, is an absolute monster. Anyway, more honourable mentions soon, and let’s hop back onto the list proper.

#8

Screw it, it’s my list.

“All I Want for Christmas is You” – Mariah Carey

Peak: #1

At the start of this year in January, it felt like just another monotonous routine of a year that started exactly how it would end: with apathy about the world in ruins. This is true for most years but 2020 decided to spice it up a little with... you know... 2020, and all of its pandemics, riots and chaos. So, for just a short time, can I talk about a song that provides absolute joy to absolutely everyone? It peaked at #1 at Christmas in 2019, which was part of the 2020 chart year, and it’s on the predicted list, so it counts and it is an incredible song that reaches into the holiday festivities with manufactured cynicism, before plunging into that jolly bag of cash and producing the most organically happy Christmas song ever. The song is, by name, not even about Christmassy commercialism, and rejects it entirely, with how Carey croons beautifully about how she isn’t asking for gifts, snow or Santa Claus. It’s telling how a single about wanting personal connection every holiday season is the biggest Christmas song of all time instead of any of the other schlock that gets reissued and has a resurgence in this time of year. It helps that it is a gorgeous and intricately composed song with that mellow intro building up into the sleigh bells and pounding percussion carrying the wonderfully 90s strings. This is a timeless classic and I’m so glad it’s a Christmas standard, for what it stands for as well as it being just an amazing song that really only comes around every so often to be a bonafide smash hit everyone loves and appreciates... except maybe every retail worker since December 1994. Walmart is a cesspit anyway, I assume that bile can be chalked up to overplay and negative connotations, of which this song on its own in a vacuum, has absolutely none.

#7

“We Paid” – Lil Baby and 42 Dugg

Peak: #10

How do I even...? I mean... just listen to the song. It clicks. I’d love to leave it there but I am obliged to ramble so... I find this song impossible to explain. I mean, it’s just “We Paid” by Lil Baby and 42 Dugg, an absolute anomaly. It’s barely a song, with a chorus unrecognisable from its verses, two nasal and uninteresting vocalists, flows I’ve heard before and clearly rushed, awkward bass mastering and mixing overall... yet it’s so, so addictive. It’s all about that intro for me, where it starts with a whistle and off-beat, complete nonsense producer tags and pre-verse rambling from 42 Dugg, before the bass kicks in and it just hits so hard. I couldn’t care less about any single line after “’Fore I go broke like Joc”, and I don’t have to. Both Dugg and Baby have stiff flows but are full of character that is so, so necessary over this menacing trap beat that survives only off of the melody so incredibly low in the mix I can’t tell what it’s even trying to be. Oh, and, while we’re here...

“24” – Money Man, remixed by Lil Baby

Peak: #49

This is good for a lot of the same reasons, and wasn’t even a hit. I just wanted to highlight this song for many of the same reasons I really love “We Paid”. It’s a complete nobody rapping robotically over a trap beat that bumps but only because of the cadence and charisma of the two rappers here... which is kind of non-existent in both songs. It relies on the flows, and they’re just kind of monotonous after each of the iconic opening lines. It’s also telling that this chorus acknowledges two Black men who have since become iconic in their fields and died within a month of each other, those being Kobe Bryant and Pop Smoke, may they rest in peace. It’s pretty tragic, actually, and adds a sense of depth to the braggadocious triumph these deflated singles attempt to convey. I am bemused by these songs and whilst you can try to fully understand popular music to the point of deep analysis and Genius annotations, the best music has a sense of mystery and intrigue, at least to me, and something about the whistle in “We Paid” and the vocoded guitar line in “24” makes these two tracks incredibly replayable. Also, you know, Lil Baby’s verse on “24” might be the verse of the year.

Honourable Mentions #2

The sequel is never as good as the original. Regardless, here are some more honourable mentions.

“WHATS POPPIN” – Jack Harlow, remixed by DaBaby, Tory Lanez and Lil Wayne

This guy is a bad omen. “I’mma spend this holiday locked in” is an eerie prediction of this dour year. Also DaBaby is awesome when he tries.

“Roses” – SAINt JHN, remixed by Imanbek

The original song is dreadful, I have no idea how this Kazakh house DJ pulled this remix off but it is a massive improvement from about every possible angle you could think of.

“10,000 Hours” – Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber

That’s well over a year, like that’s 416.7 days. These guys are devoted... and honestly kind of scary.

“Ballin’” – Mustard featuring Roddy Ricch

Chorus of the year.

“Blueberry Faygo” – Lil Mosey

This song is awful, absolutely reprehensible, with no redeeming factors and a clear lack of effort put into anything in the song itself... but at least it’s optimistic. At least it sounds happy and like a true Song of the Summer, and, oh, my God, we needed that this year.

#6

“Lemonade” – Internet Money and Gunna featuring NAV and Don Toliver

Peak: #6

NAV is on my best list. NAV is on a year-end list. NAV has a #1 hit in the United Kingdom, Portugal and Greece. NAV, the Brown Boy himself, has one of the biggest hits of both 2020 and 2021, given that this isn’t caught between years, and I’m not complaining because this song is a riot. I did say that this list wasn’t based on pure sonic enjoyment but I’m going to throw that absolutely out the window for this one. If anything, “Blinding Lights” and “Don’t Start Now” aren’t on the list out of pure fatigue, because this song is just as incredible as it sounded on release, with that slick, watery acoustic guitar coating a light trap skitter and bouncy 808s. That’s a description I could use about most hip-hop this year, but “Lemonade” has this liquid-smooth quality to it and it is safe to say that NAV and Gunna fill up all of the space available in their container here, whatever that means. NAV, for once, co-opts a flow that sounds great from his whiny Canadian mumble, mostly because he takes Don Toliver’s flow from the chorus, and whilst he didn’t write this chorus, he absolutely sells it with his soulful crooning. This song is a hedonistic celebration of everything materialistic and meaningless, but it’s having fun doing it, and that is seldom seen in 2020’s trap efforts. Gunna’s flows here are playing with the beat in a way that is reminiscent of Young Thug but finally in a way that sounds uniquely interesting and fitting for Gunna, and not just straining his limited vocals out to testing out a flow that clearly doesn’t fit the guy, or settling for something a lot less engaging. Man, out of all people to be praising this year, I did not expect it to be Lil Baby, NAV and Gunna... back to back, several times. Let’s get back to people I did expect to be gushing about by the end of the year.

#5

“everything i wanted” – Billie Eilish

Peak: #8

Much like “The Bigger Picture”, this song made the list out of necessity, mostly in its lyrics. I would be absolutely selling this year short to not include one of the most thought-provoking young women in pop music on a list like this, and thankfully, she wrote a gorgeous song that I can discuss here. Firstly, the sound of this song is brilliantly subtle and intimate, with panning keys, light-weight clapping percussion and such little focus on everything surrounding Eilish’s soft, dead-pan cooing multi-tracked to add that extra depth and convincing delivery to the lyrical content, which we’ll discuss later. It’s not that this makes the song sound unfinished or lazy, or even uninteresting, because it has that degree of elevation that is necessary for a lyrically focused song like this, with the second verse starting off with just the muted 808s emphasising that intimacy that Eilish attempts to convey through the lyrics, which are mostly an ode to her and her brother’s especially close relationship. Eilish details her depression and even nightmares, relating to a lot of her music’s themes surrounding sleep paralysis and the very concept of dreaming. That first verse is heavy in content, and honestly distressing to even write about here, but it can be summarised in this: Eilish had a dream where she committed suicide by jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, which is a common location for these types of deaths, adding that unnerving realism to the verse. The verse may be about betrayal but you could interpret it and much of her music as a response to the press and the media, which seems to flip on how they portray and criticise her, which has been increasingly obvious this year. That makes the idea of no-one, not even her fandom and those keeping the most attention and eyes on her, caring about her suicide even more damaging and raising the stakes to something that doesn’t feel like meaningless teenage angst or even just dropping off emotional baggage. The song is, in many ways, a love song to the only person she thinks would care: her brother, FINNEAS, with the chorus reciting his words of wisdom and reassurance to Eilish as she struggles with suicidal thoughts. The verses may be a specific and detailed level of insight into her psyche, but the chorus, with its wider scope and lesser detail, doesn’t come off as unrealised. Rather, it appears motivational, to both Eilish and the audience, but with the following verse and final leg of the chorus making it incredibly clear that words mean nothing without an action to follow it up or back up what has been said. Motivation doesn’t mean a quote on a wallpaper or Genius lyrics page. It’s about the willpower and the inspiration to change the way you think about yourself and make self-improvements to battle these demons, even when it seems impossible, and if it does seem impossible, there’s always your close support bubble that can reassure you and bring you back down to Earth when it all feels so unreal and that you can’t handle it.

     Ee-ooh.

#4

“The Box” – Roddy Ricch

Peak: #1

It’s tough to go into extreme depth about the personal impact a hit song has had on your mental health and what this means for the audience of said artist, and then completely dismiss it for another wacky Young Thug clone, but I did it before – in this very list twice already – and I’ll do it again, God damn it. “The Box” is pure chaos. It starts with this triumphant brass section that sounds dusty and classic, but then you immediately hear that damned “ee-ooh” sound, barely on beat and barely holding a note. It sounds like a poor falsetto imitation of a door creaking, and it is perfect. It’s just such an engaging hook, as if the actual hooks and choruses weren’t engaging and interesting enough. There’s so many intricacies to Roddy Ricch’s performance here and his array of flows are put on display excellently over this menacing beat with that reversed 808 that sets this apart from any other trap beat, especially with the eerie keys and especially with Roddy Ricch, who delivers possibly the best performance on this list second to my #1. The song starts with that mighty, iconic hook and even with that, Roddy rejects his flow before the measure is even up, outright refusing to continue and stalling with a muted “mm” sound. The lyrics aren’t cryptic by any means but it’s not like they’re all that simple, forming some kind of trap-rap word association all about “the box”, which could really mean anything at this point. He goes for a whiny elongated ending to each line in the second part of the chorus before switching sides to elongating the middle of the line in contrast to him spitting the last few words in rapid succession with a carefree cadence that’s almost inspiringly smooth. His verses are littered with charisma and hilarious ad-libs, and that’s before he goes into that falsetto for the second half of the first verse, with a simple but joyously stiff delivery, that makes his voice get closer to cracking with every syllable. Then we have the second verse, where the dude even laughs on beat and makes it sound great. The yelping in the second verse is endearing and amazing, with the way the beat cuts off for him to belt “BITCH, DON’T WEAR NO SHOES IN MY HOUSE!” at the top of his lungs like a misogynist toddler absolutely completing the song for me, and how the beat comes in afterwards is just perfect. It’s hard to explain this song without listening to it, again, but one listen of these flows and how he plays around with the beat like a kids’ toy is enough to understand truly why this song is one of the best of this year, and that Roddy Ricch is an absolute treasure.

I’m a 2020 presidential candidate / I done put a hundred bands on Zimmerman

This might be the best lyric on this list by the way. Speaking of ridiculous trap bangers with quotable lyrics and incredible flows...

#3

“Heartless” – The Weeknd

Peak: #1

How did both of these songs hit #1? Sure, they’re trendy, they’re catchy and they’re by popular artists, but there’s something about these songs that feels so chaotic and messy, yet so grounded in reality despite how loony these guys and their performances are, including the lyrics. For “The Box”, you have 30 Roc’s pounding trap beat to make sure Roddy doesn’t completely go off the walls, and for “Heartless”, well, the same is true, but replace 30 Roc for the absolute legend of modern hip-hop production that is Metro Boomin. The intro going into the first verse is one of the highlights of pop music this year. I love how it leads you in with the mystery of the coating of reverb-drenched synths, all of which sound oddly alien, before revealing the layer of the trap beat and furthering the mystery via The Weeknd’s whispering “sheesh” ad-libs. Then, when that first verse hits, all subtlety is dismissed as excessive and unnecessary, even with that first cocky opening line, but especially when the heavy 808 bass continues to crash multiple on each bar surrounded by air horns and Abel’s never-ending luxury porn. This song is an ode to self-aware, reckless and absolutely self-indulgent materialism, highlighting its effect on not only how Abel copes (most notably with the amphetamines making his “stummy” feel “sickly”) but also on who surrounds him, particularly his inability to settle down and find a partner, and how frustrated he is with this, which is especially true in the chorus, before he puts on the disguise once again for the verses, in which he spits a list of endless excessiveness in his bars carrying as much swagger as he usually does. This song in all its maximalist production is oddly minimal in how it presents the raw psyche of the character of the Weeknd and his drug-addled mindset that couldn’t care less about the effect he has on his friends, family, women, himself or even society, as long as he has a good time... but it’s increasingly clear that he knows the impact this life style has and he understand that it makes him “heartless”, but only because that’s what he decides is directly affecting him and of course, Abel has always made sure that the character of the Weeknd is as selfish and self-obsessive as possible. It helps that this isn’t a moaning and moody piece of self-indulgent boring trap slop. It isn’t conveying a message through music that can’t represent it, it’s effectively pulling off its narrative through the whole sonic package, and you know what helps even more? It’s fun, and it’s funny, and the revealing bridge where Abel looks back at his past relationships and how this life style is a response to the damage and pain inflicted on him by said relationships, comes as a genuine shock because just seconds earlier, the guy said this:

So much pussy, it be fallin’ out the pocket

What an incredibly thought-out song, and definitely one deserving of a couple GRAMMY Awards in whatever category those racist out-of-touch elitist executives decide to retroactively slot the Weeknd into when the backlash becomes too much. With that said, here are some more honourable mentions.

Honourable Mentions #3

Now in IMAX 3-D!

“Break My Heart” – Dua Lipa

INXS are fuming.

“Good as Hell” – Lizzo

This is beautifully composed and genuinely motivating, and Lizzo has so much charisma but in 2020, I do not feel “good as hell” enough to justify this being on the list. Hey, what can I say? Truth hurts.

“Truth Hurts” – Lizzo

That failed gag was about as on-the-nose as this song itself, but Lizzo totally embraces that.

“For the Night” – Pop Smoke featuring DaBaby and Lil Baby

“Wishing Well” – Juice WRLD

I’m not a fan of these songs in particular but it would be awful of me to not include these two artists on the lists, even if it’s tragic that it has to be posthumously. Both were gone way too soon, and way too close together for it to feel anything more than distressing and really depressing. Sure, they represent two completely different issues rappers face, but the fact that the two biggest hip-hop artists of 2020 are both gone and not able to see this immense success is just a tough, bitter pill to shallow. Rest in peace to both of these men and I hope out of respect for their legacy, and out of apathy for how the record labels milk both of these audiences, that I won’t need to talk about them in the years ahead.

#2

I have just discussed a lot of important songs with meaningful concepts, deep lyrics and insight, sonically innovative instrumentals and genuine emotional trauma as the background for their creation... but when I discuss my #2 as well as my #1, I need you to keep in mind this question: what is the purpose of pop music?

#2 – “RITMO (Bad Boys for Life)” – The Black Eyed Peas and J Balvin

Peak: #26

Popular music and especially the charts should always be taken with a grain of salt. Art doesn’t necessarily mean anything without meaning appropriated to it, and that meaning has a bunch of baggage that correlates to the lyrical meaning and contextual history behind whatever is being analysed and what is being criticised or praised. The Billboard Hot 100 is a glorified stat pad, as many have pointed out, and there are flaws in the system that don’t even make it a perfectly accurate set of data. This isn’t to undermine popular music and its impact. I’m not saying Elvis Presley and his ludicrous amount of weeks at #1 is to be scoffed at, or that Michael Jackson’s Thriller is an inconsequential piece of music that shouldn’t be remembered as fondly and as often as it is. These albums and artists had a genuine effect on culture, and the society that follows it, especially in the United States’ desperate attempts at gathering an “American” culture to cope with their extreme levels of regional, ethnic and economic diversity and disparity. Neither my #2 nor #1 pick reflect that at all. In fact, “RITMO” is a laughably bad song, but to call it a song implies there is art here, when in reality this is a pure product made for a soundtrack to a mildly successful Will Smith movie, made as a cash-grab by a fading producer-rapper and a tacked-on genuine mega-star who was offered millions of pesos to rap on this dated, lazy house-adjacent reggaeton beat. This isn’t just a product, it’s packaged and not with limited edition decoration, just typical, disposable plastic that’s harmful for the environment. I’m not doing a worst list this year because I want to celebrate what remnants of fun we had in 2020, and it’s telling that a lot of these songs are from 2019 or earlier in the year, and feel like separate landscapes even. Do you seriously remember “RITMO” in any capacity? Or even the movie that it was made for? It’s almost outstanding that a song that samples a band called Corona can be so oddly tone-deaf to the current situation, and not even one of the pandemic, but one of social progression and worldwide oppression that this song ignores to sell a product... but ignorance is bliss.

#1

It’s misleading to say that 2020 started off awful in March. That would just be blatantly untrue. Hell, the virus was discovered in Wuhan in December and made its way to Europe and the United States by the time late January rolled around, and even by then the US had killed important Iranian military secretary and one of their national heroes Qasem Soleimani ostensibly on grounds of “terrorism” for the sake of a power play and risking a potential world conflict. Diplomatic incidents don’t just happen, they have reasoning and they have a background. Not even in popular music do things just happen, they follow a trend or a burgeoning genre, and if they don’t, they are pioneers of a trend that follows to varying success. You can see this in 2019 producing the biggest hit of all time with “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X, which felt like a sudden insurgency of this random country-rap pop song by a complete nobody becoming suddenly one of the most important cultural milestones in the country’s history. It’s less of a sudden event and rather an exemplification of things that were happening over time, like the dominance of streaming, conglomerates manipulating what was believed to be organic digital and social media to benefit them and the elite, the increasing saturation of white men in the country genre that has yet to improve from his bro-country years, the racism that runs rancid in the South as Republicans steer closer to extremism and anyone who can challenge them decides to clear their way to the centre or is oppressed and ignored by the government that can continue silencing them. You may say that it’s not that deep but if you talk about popular music, you absolutely have to consider its wider impact. With all that said, sometimes it’s better to live in the moment.

“Hot” – Young Thug featuring Gunna

Peak: #11

Maybe it’s bizarre for me to dismiss everything I said about the cultural impact of popular music and its existence as a product for the big three record labels as well as a milestone for culture and the audience that consumes it, just so I can put my favourite hit song at the top of the list. I would completely agree with you, and I wasn’t planning really to put this song so high until it immediately clicked in a contrast with “RITMO”. “RITMO” isn’t self-aware of its existence as purely a product and nothing else, but it’s not like that fact is hidden from you when you listen to the track. It is pure ignorance of the wider world and pure ignorance of anything that is actually and genuinely important to people across the States and across the world, but not in a way that can move people and become important. Sure, the song is fun and catchy and actually a pretty damn great song, that is why it’s so high on this list, but it’s more to represent how heavily these songs juxtapose each other. “Hot” is in equal proportions a promotion of commercialism and materialism, much like “Heartless”, but without any of the emo-adjacent moaning about fame and without any of the self-awareness... which may seem like “Hot” misses the point but it absolutely does not. “Hot” is the absolute peak of the trap genre. It’s not conceptually important, but it is a song that means the most to me in this particular period and in this particular year. The song is an album cut from 2019 that is only big because of a Travis Scott remix and SpongeBob memes, so it sets itself up to be perfectly detached from 2020, even before you hear those triumphant horns from Wheezy and the trap percussion that bumps harder than anything else on this list or in Thug’s discography. That immediate release of energy coated in smoky, whispery ad-libs isn’t what makes this song important, though, it’s the subtle build-up of Gunna’s simple, direct but menacing flow that feels like he is directly talking to you and almost wagging his finger at you whilst doing so. It’s just Gunna appreciating and absorbing the peak of hedonism in a cohesive and monotone Auto-Tuned flow. Just like the years of the Trump administration and prior, it creates a routine and a pattern that despite how outrageous it may seem, gets you used to believing what is expressed and revealed, which is often completely petty and ridiculous nonsense, just like Gunna’s bars here. Then Young Thug comes in. The aura of mystery surrounding his reverb-drenched mumbling in the bridge intrigues you and pulls you in, taking you out of the Gunna-infused hypnosis and dragging you face-first into starstruck astonishment. The song finally releases in full-blown explosive trap-rap fashion with one simple meaningless phrase: “I took the Bentley coupe back then I hopped in a Cayenne”, followed by that energetic screeching ad-lib that book-ends nearly every bar here. Finally, there’s liberation. Sure, this is hyperbolic, and I’m not trying to make some insanely pro-Biden political statement here, but it feels significant to me that this is one of the biggest hits of one of the most historically essential years in recent history, even if it didn’t make much initial impact. Thugger switches from sing-songy melodies to repetitively imitating a machine-gun in a guttural yell, and it feels natural. It feels chaotic and that there is very little focus, but that’s because there is. He is completely ignorant of anything surrounding him and indulges in his own self-aggrandisement with rapid but smooth flows in his signature yelping delivery. The lyrics are frankly meaningless and irrelevant listing of luxury brands and cars, but that’s because Thugger couldn’t care less about the wider world or what surrounds him or even the impact he himself has on society or culture. It’s not like that means the song can only be appreciated in a vacuum because it creates that vacuum for itself, and by using that one manic Thugger verse – the best verse I heard in 2019 and one of the best verses to ever hit streaming services on pure energy and delivery alone – allows itself to release and indulge in the little things, the petty fantasies, those precious albeit unimportant elements of life that add up to form some kind of self-satisfaction and dare I say in 2020, happiness, and before you can even truly appreciate that...

Turn the whole top floor to a whorehouse / Hundred racks in ones, dude bought the flood out

...it’s taken away from you once again, and you have to scour your way through a fading trap beat without any of the additional touches that made it so great in Thugger’s verse, without the playful flutes, and most importantly, without the fun. You’re left there with what remains of Wheezy’s composition after it was ravaged by Thug and with only the same whispery, barely audible repetitions that started the song off, and you realise that whilst the release may feel great and liberating while it’s there, until you break the routine and bring about change, your happiness and your freedom is meaningless and any attempt to replicate that same feeling is futile. So to answer that question, the purpose of pop music is to reflect on how culture and society develops, evolves and adapts with what it’s faced with, but ultimately, to us as people and consumers, music serves as a fleeting moment of joy, self-expression and most importantly, a release of what has to be bottled up and silenced in the everyday routine of life, because of powers outside of our control. Farewell, 2020, and good fucking riddance.

[zoeology31]

On Star Wars: The Last Jedi

So I saw Star Wars last Sunday. Between critics bowing down to it and plenty of people on here mourning it’s train-wreck qualities, I was pretty apprehensive, but I wanted to at least see for myself.

The verdict: Most of the movie is a giant mess and I’m glad J.J. Abrams is coming back for IX, but it does pack a punch in some parts. Once my life gets a little less busy, I’ll probably join the growing number of fans and write a fix-it fic.

Major spoilers below. Seriously, I’m about to spoil pretty much everything.

I get that this movie was trying to comment on the hardships of war and how people have to keep their priorities straight and make sacrifices, but did they have to kill so many people? The bombers, all the X-wing pilots except for Poe, the Resistance leadership, everyone who wasn't on the main Resistance cruiser, half the transport vessels, and half the skimmer pilots? None of those were even a fair fight, because they couldn’t fire back. It was just slaughter, and it got painful to watch after a while. The deaths that had the most meaning were the individuals who directly chose to sacrifice their lives for the rebellion: Paige, Holdo, and Luke.

Speaking of fair fights, where were my iconic Star Wars battles? The only fighter-to-fighter combat was at the very beginning and ended with the bombers destroyed and Poe demoted. Rey spent more time fighting Luke than the actual main bad guys, and while her tag-team with Kylo Ren against the guards was cool, I couldn’t really enjoy it because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And of course Luke’s battle with Kylo Ren, while awesome, doesn’t really count.

A lot of moments felt unnecessary, if not extremely uncomfortable, and took away from the story, including: Rose electrocuting Finn (she could’ve just waved the taser in front of his face and let him explain the tracking situation, with the same overall result), the porgs, the pointless alien nuns, Luke milking the alien seal slug thing, Luke’s comment about Jakku being “pretty much nowhere”, Luke slapping Rey with a leaf, shirtless Kylo Ren in high-waisted pants, 90% of the shots of Kylo Ren looking sad, Rose and Finn (again) getting electrocuted for a parking violation, that opera alien at Canto Bight that looked like someone’s fetish, BB-9E, 75% of DJ, Hux slapping Finn with no consequence, BB-8 driving the AT-ST, Leia slapping Poe, Holdo saying “Godspeed”, Holdo stroking Poe’s face, that thing with Rey and the time dilation in the cave, Yoda’s weirdly corporeal Force ghost, the golden dice from the Falcon, Poe saying “you’re not dead”, that one dude tasting the salt on Crait, Rose kissing Finn, and the awkward introduction between Poe and Rey (weren’t they introduced at the end of TFA?).

What happened to the Force in this movie? The whole Force bond idea felt incredibly shoehorned, and since we don’t find out that Snoke was behind it until much later, we’re expected to believe Rey and Kylo Ren share some “special connection” because plot. It did wind up being pretty cool when Luke used it at the end to trick Kylo Ren, but I’m not clear on why he died immediately afterwards. Was it too draining? Did Kylo Ren running his projection through have a physical effect on him? Did he just voluntarily stop existing? And if Force ghosts can summon lightning, what’s stopping them from intervening further in the world of the living? Why hasn’t Anakin just showed up and killed Kylo Ren? Then of course there’s Leia floating through space despite never demonstrating any abilities beyond emotion sensing before.

Kylo Ren. I am unimpressed with the movie’s repeated attempts to create sympathy for him to the detriment of other characters. Your uncle drawing a lightsaber on you is not in any way an excuse to try to kill him, burn down his temple, and murder all his students who refused to join you. Besides, doesn’t this contradict canon in Bloodline or something? He’s still just as whiny, manipulative, and flat-out evil as in TFA, but now he’s responsible for even more deaths (remember, he fired the shot that blew up the X-wing hangar).

How are we supposed to buy Rey suddenly believing “there’s still good in him” or whatever when Kylo Ren killed her father figure, gravely injured her best friend, tortured her, and is in the process of racking up an even higher body count? TFA Rey is too smart for that, and she would never compromise her new family for the tiniest chance of redeeming a grown man who’s clearly made his choice and whom she owes nothing to. Luke didn’t start trying to redeem Vader until after he learned Vader was his father, what excuse does Rey have? Not only does Rey Nobody make no sense in the context of this movie, it ignores all the parallels and setup of TFA and turns Rey from the rightful Skywalker heir to some random girl who is arbitrarily powerful and arbitrarily the main character.

Because Rian Johnson lives under the delusion that Kylo Ren is somehow the male lead, Finn was forced into an extraneous sideplot and romance that repeated his character arc from TFA. Between getting electrocuted twice, falling into racist stereotypes at the casino, needing Rose to explain everything to him, getting slapped by Space Hitler, and being cheated out of a full-length, emotionally emphasized fight scene against his lifelong oppressor, Finn generally suffers some of the worst treatment of any character in the movie. The casino plot was tedious and its moral felt forced, and the undercover scene aboard the Star Destroyer was disappointingly short and ended in failure. Being sidelined meant Finn wasn’t written as wildly out of character as Rey or Poe, and John Boyega’s acting ensured we still saw the Finn we all know and love, but it was still an incredible disservice to his character.

Even though he got quite bit more screentime, Poe was almost a different character in this movie than in TFA. In the movie, comics, and tie-in novels, he had very clear strengths and flaws: charismatic, selfless, loyal, and an excellent strategist, but too willing to sacrifice himself and not good at thinking long-term. This is all thrown out the window in TLJ, making Poe instead a stereotypical Latino hothead who’s reckless ideas cost dozens of lives and who constantly battles his (white female) superiors. When he mutinies, we’re expected to agree with Holdo and be happy when she lectures him about hope and honorable retreats, but Holdo’s smarmy attitude and refusal to tell Poe the plan makes him seem like the reasonable one. Not only was Poe’s arc a lesson he didn’t need to learn, it was insulting, frustrating to watch, and poorly executed.

The three new characters were unnecessary and stretched the story too thin. DJ was practically useless and his verbal tics were more annoying than quirky. His only role was to show the grey morality of the war, but it would’ve been smoother for Finn to just observe and make his own comments, rather than have DJ and Rose give clunky exposition. Rose was a sweetheart, but her character was completely static and acted more as Finn’s morality pet than an independent person. Her tasering Finn at the start and kissing him at the end was probably supposed to be character development, but both felt forced. Holdo was a terrible leader and difficult to root for until her death scene, which was incredible but would’ve been more impactful with a character we had time to get attached to.

There were some things I liked about the movie. The cinematography was gorgeous when sets were properly lit, especially on Ach-To and Crait, and it had some truly stunning scenes, like Holdo wrecking the First Order fleet, Luke seeing the twin suns on Tatooine, and Rey lifting the rocks for the Resistance. The main cast was as attractive as ever, helped by some top-notch costuming. Despite exchanging zero words, Rey and Finn’s strong relationship was clear as day, and their reunion was fantastic. When Rey swooped in on the Falcon to give the skimmers cover fire and Finn cheered, that was my “I’m watching Star Wars” moment.

Luke’s arc was comparatively decent; he was too surly and irreverent at the beginning, but his criticisms of the old Jedi order made sense and his stand against Kylo Ren was the closest this movie got to iconic. Luke and Leia’s reunion was one of the most emotionally touching moments, and it doesn’t surprise me that Carrie Fisher wrote it. I liked the ending; everyone was together and getting along, the Resistance was safe aboard the Falcon, and Rey literally shut the door in Kylo Ren’s face. Even with the weird sympathy track, it’s clear he won’t be redeemed and it’ll be interesting to see him as the main villain.

[amwritingmeta]

So I saw your monster meta on Monster Movie (thanks btw, it was great). One thing about that episode that bothers me is that when Dean and Sam interview Anna-Marie she’s drinking this giant soda and Sam and Dean keep giving her these weird looks (like even before she says it’s a werewolf) and I just don’t get the point of the soda. If it meant nothing it would be a part of the setting instead of a prop and if it didn’t symbolize something it wouldn’t be so freaking huge, right? Any thoughts?

Hello my lovely!! 

Aw thanks so much, that means a lot! That meta was such a labour of love and it makes me incredibly happy to read that you enjoyed it!! Yayyyy for enjoyment! :)

So this was driving me crazy too, honestly, as I watched the episode and since there was sooooo much to write anyway and I couldn’t find the fucking thread for the giant ass soda and the giant ass beer (oh yeah, I’ll show you in a minute) I just left it well alone. Buttshake, guess what - you asking me this made the visual click in my noggin’. THANK YOU!

Because Monster Movie is all about Dean, right? (well yeah according to me it is anyway and… I mean it is, even if you disagree with my reading) 

And LOOK –>

*excited face like wide grin and raised eyebrows and HAHAHA sounds*

LOOK AT THAT BIG PRETZEL MY LOVELY!

So Dean starts the trend of the Big Things Occupying Your Mouth Visual. And I’m so not sorry for calling this a “penis pretzel” anymore, because it fucking IS a visual aid to underline Dean’s dual personality: mainly that what he’s really trying to overcompensate for throughout this entire goddamn narrative is the fact that he is suddenly so fucking preoccupied with thoughts of dick, of one dick in particular. And that dick is linked to new feelings and that is SCARY AF. 

But COME ON Bob Singer, are you FOR REAL even? (I love this man)

So we get our first proper plant of Jamie saying “Gutten tag” and Dean responding with a slack-jawed “Gutten tag yourself” before exchanging a look with Sam like “Daaamnnnnn” and understandable, because Jamie is gorgeous. Sam spots the sheriff (one of our toxic masculinity representatives in this episode) and he says “Guess that’s our man” (and yes I could so go deep-diving into the feminine/masculine part of the planted visuals of this scene)…

…but let’s focus on Dean, who does this –>

I will never apologise for loving it when penis shaped food in the hands of Dean Winchester are being made to look like he’s giving it a blow job. 

What is all that fast food really about, Dean. Hmmmm? 

Anyway. Here’s the beautiful part. It is not just the penis pretzel that is a phallic symbol in this episode’s visual narrative.

Ed drinks beer from this –>

Yeah. This beer drove me crazy when I watched the episode again and again to write my meta, staring at this fucking scene without being able to actually visually tie it to Dean. It’s his narrative so I just felt there HAD to be a fucking reason for this being here - it is so OVERTLY phallic, and it did not click that the penis pretzel started out huge.

(subtle plant there for Cas’ package?) (or Dean’s desire for said package) 

Ok, it’s actually not sexual, sorry, must not joke (am so tired) - the phallic symbols are actually to do with Dean’s building fear at losing control of himself. The symbolism is here to push the theme of the narrative and is interestingly tying Dean to the man being judged by the sheriff as a nuisance, but empathised with by Jamie (who represents everything Dean needs to embrace to feel whole) 

But there is more! The root of your question, my dear! 

Because I bid you LOOK –>

That, my friends, is a blow job.

So here Dean is also linked (through starting the trend of Big Things Occupying Your Mouth Visual) with the girl giving this soda the time of its life. The girl who is a victim of her lying scumbag boyfriend. 

Or to be more specific, her toxic-masculinity-lies-to-get-in-bed-using-a-dated-ridiculous-line-of-how-men-need-sex-not-to-get-clogged-up-this-show-is-all-about-desconstructing-that-bullshit-sexist-idiocy-and-this-toxic-masculinity-representative-gets-fucking-killed-by-a-werefolf boyfriend. 

To summarise, Dean is linked to the guy who’s considered “weird”, a guy who is judged for it, and Dean is linked to the girl who is a victim of toxic masculinity. 

Yeah. That’s right. Like betcha by golly wow.

With the phallic plants, it’s like the narrative is taunting Dean for trying to overcompensate away from what’s stirring inside him, the way he can’t get Cas out of his head, by throwing the phallic symbols at him after he ate his penis pretzel completely unawares of this being what he was doing, subconsciously engaging with what he really wants while ogling Jamie and making a show of really, really wanting a girl. 

To me this is actually not about him being uncomfortable with his bisexuality. It has everything to do with him being absolutely averse to (because of his upbringing) and terrified by (because of his life history) the thought of feeling things too deeply. And whatever shit Cas is stirring up has the potential of being life changing. And Dean Winchester does not want to change an inch. So dude-bro performing side is kicking up a right fuss going PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. (Dean’s subconscious whispering dick dick dick)

Oh my God my brain is fried, I wish I could be more articulate for you, but do you get what I’m saying here?

Dean’s the one with dick on the brain - in the most romantic sense of the word - and, at least how I see it, these visuals serve as a very subtle way of informing us of that.

Bob Singer is such a fucking master.

And thanks again and again for focusing me with this question! You just helped me deepen my 4x05 meta! *heart eyes your way*

Oh, let me add this as well: how can we know the beer and the humungous soda aren’t just, idk, for funsies? To me the answer is - the way Ed and Girl drink them. Ed drinks from that huuuuuge cumbersome thing twice and very deliberately, while Girl slurps and slurps and slurps. I mean… It’s only funny if you’re in on the joke and those visual plants don’t make me laugh, they make me frown and wonder why the hell they’re even there. So that’s my reason for thinking they are planted as more than just a visual woah-big-things-should-seem-ridiculous-for-no-reason-and-make-you-giggle. :)

xx

[lacrimoso]

NAME: snii NICKNAME: old man fricker ....fuckin uhhh.... AGE: 22 as of rn FACECLAIM: irabu ichirō from trapeze PRONOUNS: any! but if you want the fastest reaction, she/her would be your go-to’s HEIGHT: 5′3′‘? i think? so 160cm. hopefully. BIRTHDAY: may 24th AESTHETIC: hyperviolence under neon lights -- the kind that’s fast-paced and high action (in similar vein to hotline miami, drive, blade runner, and the like). subtle horror things like people with too many teeth, weird static going off in the distance, and big, wide eyes with a knowing grin (silent hill, dunwich locations from fallout, the secret world, etc). hands, hips, and shoulders. big, bright eyes with long eyelashes. nosebleeds. weird, violent old men. we could go on for years tbh--

LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: shone - piano wire number 12

FAVORITE MUSE(S) YOU’VE WRITTEN: kurotsuchi mayuri and kyōraku shunsui from bleach. HABIT from everymanhybrid. naki from tokyo ghoul. some ocs (ikari ren and takanashi aiko, mainly)

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO TAKE ON YOUR CURRENT MUSE ( THAT YOU ARE POSTING THIS ON ): i’ve been kinda interested in the tokyo ghoul role-play comm for a while, and before i joined i was... taking a bit of a long break from role-play. kept picking up random muses only to kinda drop ‘em without saying anything, so i wasn’t necessarily confident in trying out naki LOL. however i really, really loved naki from when i read tokyo ghoul and started reading :re, and he was definitely my First Pick for a muse should i ever try. i talked with ramona (we tend to be each other’s poor impulse control :^l) and she encouraged me to try naki. after that, i just kind of gave it a shot and, well uh-- naki’s actually kind of what brought the spark back? LOL idk. he’s a very easy character for me to write, and he made coming back to the role-play scene very easy and very casual for me.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ASPECTS OF YOUR CURRENT MUSE: his overall personality, i think. the fact that he’s a bit of an outlier within the ghouls of tokyo ghoul, meaning that he retains some key traits like sadism and overall cruelty, but he also manages to come off as very... innocent to me? he’s obviously not an innocent angel, but his behavior, actions, and feelings come off to me as someone with a really big heart from the side that you... probably would not be rooting for immediately. he’s also just like... someone that i’m immediately drawn to -- kinda bratty, loud and obnoxious, and just rambunctious but has a heart of gold. he’s a very endearing character, and i kinda wanted to write to showcase those traits of his!

WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST INSPIRATION WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING: music, mainly. i always listen to music when i write, and it really helps me shut everything out just so i can write. i have playlists upon playlists to help me out, and i also use pandora radio to help me out when i’m a bit... stuck lmao. otherwise, i get inspired from just... seeing people write? specifically my friends. if i see them having fun and enjoying themselves, it inspires me to write, too, because i think i just like seeing other people write!

FAVORITE TYPES OF THREADS: anything is fine, tbh. i tend to gravitate towards multi-parapraphs and novella-esque things, but i’m honestly fine with whatever.

BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN REGARDS TO YOUR CURRENT MUSE: if i’m basically doing him justice LOL. i really hate that trend of people treating their muse like something untouchable, something incorruptible, and stuff like that-- i really want to portray naki realistically while touching upon every aspect of him with respect. i worry about this sometimes because i really care for him and i tend to spoil him in comparison to some other muses, but i’m trying not to partake in that pure cinnamon roll schtick some people like doing for character types like him. and, uh... i haven’t received any complaints yet so i assume i’m doing okay LMAO.....

tagged by: @white-reaper 💕 tagging: 👻 holy moly it’s a ghost 👻 👻 oh my god he has brothers??

[like-a-bag-of-potatoes]

Woman of Letters - 10

A/N: So it seems like I have gotten the groove back for this series. YAY. Thank you all for your feedback, and as always, a special shout out to my beta @thorne93, she's fantastic.

Characters: Dean, Sam, Louisa (OFC).

Warnings: Talk about a crappy relationship, not much, but it's there. Italics are flashbacks.

Wordcount: 2088

Catch up HERE

Asthetic made by the beautiful @hanny-writes-spn

Sam, as usual, was the first one up the next morning, and from what he could tell it was gonna be a while before the other two got up. Empty bottles and glasses littered one of the tables in the library from the night before.

After Sam had cleaned up in the library, he started on breakfast. He knew very well that the moment that the smell of bacon hit Dean's nose, he would wake up. While Sam was cleaning up, he had received a text from Garth, pointing him in the direction of a case, so he needed his brother up, fed, and ready to go.

Dean was the first to emerge from his room, his hair sticking up in all directions and his old man robe hung loosely on his shoulders.

“You look like death,” Sam noted, looking up from his newspaper.

“I look better than I feel then,” Dean mumbled as he poured himself some coffee. “Did I smell bacon?”

“In the oven.” Sam folded up his newspaper. “We have a case.”

“Shoot.” Dean's voice was muffled from all the bacon he had just shoved in his mouth.

“Well, Garth seems to think it's a demon collecting his deals early. So far there has been two deaths, a man and a woman both in their thirties, both getting successful overnight a couple of years ago, both died in weird accidents,” Sam explained.

“Sounds like it's worth looking into,” Dean said just as Louisa joined them.

“Good morning,” Sam offered with a wide smile.

“Too loud.. And too enthusiastic this early,” Louisa said grumpily, walking over to the fridge and getting a bottle of water. “And there's nothing good about this morning,” she said after taking a big gulp of water, joining the brothers at the table.

“You ready for your first case?” Dean questioned.

“Today?” Of course it had to be today when she was nursing the worst hangover in history.

“Yes, today. We leave in a little while.” Dean ignored the look he got from his brother, Sam was clearly shocked that he invited her to tag along.

“I'm gonna go grab a shower and pack, and I'm good to go,” Sam said, excusing himself from the table.

Silence fell between Louisa and Dean, neither of them knowing how to start a conversation after last night's confessions.

“Soo…” Dean started.

“Soo…”

“About what you told me last night, you know, about your ex…”

“Look.. I blame the alcohol. I didn't mean to unload all that on you,” she said without meeting Dean's eyes.

**

Louisa’s phone kept ringing, but she kept sending it to voicemail, until she just turned off her phone completely. Dean was curious to know who kept calling her at this hour, but he didn't feel like it was his place to ask. After she had turned her phone off, her smile disappeared from her face and it was like she got a little withdrawn, a look of sadness in her otherwise bright, blue eyes. Dean felt anger rise within him, anger directed to whoever was on the other end of that phone, and with another sip of his whiskey he got the courage to ask.

“Who keeps calling at this hour?” he asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.

“Just my ex. Probably drunk dialing me.” She shrugged.

“And you don't want to talk to him?”

“No.. I just..  I need a new phone number,” she said, nervously picking at the label on her beer bottle.

“Bad break up?” Dean pressed.

“Bad relationship.. Quick break up. We broke up the day that I came here,” Louisa explained. “I wasn't planning on breaking up with him, but he told me that if I left it was over. I'm really glad now tho. Now that I’ve had a little distance I can see that it wasn't exactly a healthy relationship.” She had no idea why she was telling him all of this. For one, she wasn't exactly the type of person to get so personal, and secondly, she hardly knew Dean.

“Does this have anything with why you froze tonight, with that douche?” Dean asked when an eerie feeling settled in his stomach.

“Maybe… I guess. There was something about him that reminded me of Heath, that might have played a part in it.”

“Did he ever hurt you?”

“Nah.. It wasn't like that. It was more a total disregard for my feelings. Like he didn't help me clean out my father's apartment after he died, because he had plans with friends and then he came crawling through the door at two in the morning with a hickey on his neck.  And he had a tendency to turn into a massive dick when he was drunk, and he was drunk a lot. But he never physically hurt me,” Louisa reassured.

“He sounds like a dick,” Dean said, taking another sip of his whiskey. He couldn't help but be angry at this guy, and he couldn't help but feel like there was more to the story. “Anything else you’re not telling me?”

Louisa looked up at Dean. She felt safe with him. She felt like he actually wanted to know, that he wasn't just asking to be polite. She battled with herself for a moment before the words just started spilling out. She told Dean that Heath had become more and more controlling and manipulating the further they got in their relationship. “I think that when he started cheating on me, that he feared I would do the same to him, so he started putting me down. Eventually I just figured that my life would be a lot easier if I just let him do his thing and not protest or argue with him too much. I understand now that I could have saved me a lot of heartbreak if I had just left him earlier, but I was starting to believe the things he said about me, and he had me convinced that he was the only one who would ever love me. So I stayed.” She blinked away a few tears, but not before Dean had noticed. He walked over to her and wrapped his hand around her, hugging her to him.

“Want me to kick his ass?” Dean asked in a soft voice.

“I kind of do,” Louisa answered with a slight chuckle.

 **

“You know you didn't deserve all that, right?” Dean asked, looking into her eyes.

“Look, I appreciate that, but I really don't want to talk about it.”

“That's fine,” Dean said as he stood from his chair. “If you change your mind, I’m here.”

“Thank you.”

**

Louisa didn't eat anything for breakfast, she knew that the best hangover cure for her was a gallon of water, some sleep, and after that, the greasiest burger she could get her hands on.

When they had loaded everything in the car, she laid down in the back seat, using her jacket as a pillow, and within minutes she had fallen asleep. Dean kept stealing glances at her in the rear view mirror. She looked so peaceful when she slept, and for a second he let his mind wander, imagining how it would be like to fall asleep next to her, to have his hands wrapped around her as they slept.

The stolen glances didn't go unnoticed by Sam, but he chose to let it be. He had been a little smitten by Louisa at first, but she had become more like a sister to him and all those feelings had gone away. Now he was rooting for his brother. Dean had been forced to grow up way too soon when their father had set out to avenge the death of his wife, their mother. Dean had done his absolute best to take care of his brother, but Sam hadn't always made it easy on him. It wasn't until he had grown up that Sam realized how much his brother had sacrificed for him, to give him a chance to be a ‘real’ boy. Dean deserved to be happy, he deserved to find love. And Sam had no doubt in his mind that it could be with Louisa.

**

They had been on the road for a couple of hours when they stopped for gas. While Sam went in to pay, Dean had taken off his jacket and carefully laid it across Louisa’s sleeping form. She stirred a little, but she didn't open her eyes. 

Three more hours went before Louisa finally woke up. “I need a giant burger, and all the mozzarella sticks,” she said, her voice groggy from sleep.

“It's aaaliiive,” Dean joked, meeting her eyes in the mirror.

“Yeah, yeah… now.. Where did we land on the food?”

“We still have a few hours of driving ahead, but I'll stop at the next diner.” Dean suggested.

“Awesome.”

**

When they reached the hotel, Louisa was finally starting to feel human again, but she was grateful that it was late and actual work would have to wait until morning. Sam had gone to the police station to see if he could get the case files so that he could start going over them, and Dean had gone out in search of more food, Louisa took the opportunity to grab a shower before the boys got back.

Sam and Dean had both apologized profusely for only getting one room, but she had tried to assure them that it was okay. There was only two beds, but there was a small couch she could curl up on. Hopefully it was just for a couple of days.

Louisa stepped out of the shower and dried off, cursing herself when she realized that her bag was still in the other room. She carefully opened the door. “Sam? Dean?” No response. She wrapped the towel around herself and then stepped into the room to get her bag. She had just picked it up when the front door opened and Dean walked in.

“Oh.. I'm sorry. I didn't mean.. .I should have knocked,” Dean rambled, locking his eyes on a strange stain on the carpet.

“It's fine, Dean. I'll just go get dressed,” she said. The whole thing felt a little awkward, but she tried to just shrug it off.

She got dressed and brushed her hair in a hurry, and when she came back into the room, Sam had returned.

“So, did you get the files from the cops?” Dean asked as they started on the pizza he had brought.

After that they all fell into a conversation about the case. Louisa didn't say too much, she just sat back and listened, watched them work. She wanted to soak up every last detail, she wanted to learn. Besides, it was hard to take her eyes of off Dean as he concentrated on reading the files. His eyebrows scrunched together, his jaw clenched, and his emerald eyes turned brownish.

“I think I'm gonna try and get some sleep,” Louisa said, following up with a yawn. She took a pillow and a blanket from one of the beds and then curled up on the small couch.

“You can take the bed, and I'll sleep on the couch,” Sam offered.

Louisa gave him a snarky look. “Dude. You’re like forty feet tall. I appreciate the chivalry, but I'm good on the couch,” she said honestly. She wrapped herself in the blanket and closed her eyes, effectively stopping the conversation.

Sam and Dean weren’t far behind her. They knew that tomorrow was going to be a long day, and for once they had an opportunity to get a few extra hours of sleep, so they took it. Sam took the bed that was closest to the bathroom and Dean got the one closer to the couch where Louisa was curled up. There was a small stripe of light coming from between the curtains, that hit Louisa’s face, and Dean couldn't help but stare at her. He regretted how he had treated her in the beginning, that he hadn't even given her a chance. If he had, he might have noticed sooner how amazing she was. She was smart, funny, strong and independent, and she was quite possibly the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He didn't like the realization that dawned on him in that moment, that he was absolutely captivated by this girl, that he was falling for her, that he had started imagining a future with her. He laid awake for a while, just looking at her.

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