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willowbird · 3 years

Note

for the prompt thing andreil, 16(Au with vampire! Neil), Trope 4, dialogue 15 + if possible 39

Anonymous asked:

Vampire! Neil Au requester I meant 25 and not 15

Supernatural AU with a Vampire Neil, meet messy, “i know this looks bad, but i swear, it’s not" & “you confuse me.”

I'm not sure if this was what you were hoping for when you send me these prompts, but I rather had fun writing it so I hope you enjoy, Anon!

----

If Andrew was being completely honest, he really didn't mind his job. Sure, it wasn't all that impressive, but it also wasn't like he had someone around that he wanted to impress. It was easy, too, and no one bothered him. Well, no one bothered him because he had third shift, and the only people grocery shopping at three-am were literal vampires; and in a tiny town like Palmetto, there were really only a handful of those, none of which would ever have any reason to bother the short, scowly human stocking shelves over in the candy aisle.

Which was exactly what Andrew was doing when he heard the crash over in the refrigerated section.

Shifting the headphones off one ear, Andrew tilted his head and listened. There were a few more minor crashes, then a bumbling, scrabbling sound of things being kicked and jostled around. No screaming, though, so Andrew reaffixed the cup over his ear and got back to what he was doing.

"Cleanup by the refrigerators. Cleanup by the refrigerators."

Andrew lips moved soundlessly to Fall Out Boy, willfully ignoring the fact that refrigerators was in his section of the store and thus his responsibility should there be a call made to it.

"Cleanup by the refrigerators. Cleanup by the refrigerators."

Andrew juggled three snickers bars to the beat, tossing them onto the shelf just as the guitar solo started.

"Cleanup by the refrigerators. Cleanup -- Goddamnit Minyard get your ass over to refrigerators and clean the mess up."

Welp, he tried. With a heavy sigh, Andrew dropped the candy in his hands back into the box he'd been unloading, then gave two middle-fingers to the nearest camera.

The gruff voice over the intercom said, "Don't be a cheeky bastard, you little ingrate. Just do your damn job."

"Yeah, yeah," Andrew muttered to himself, rolling his eyes as he turned to head down the aisle. From all those crashes it was sure to be an epic mess. Maybe he wasn't as okay with this job as he thought he was.

Whatever Andrew thought he was expecting to see when he rounded the corner, it was not what he actually saw.

Because there, sitting in the middle of fallen displays and drenched in both blood and pink lemonade with an unconscious (dead?) human sprawled across his lap, was an annoyingly pretty disaster of a vampire.

Andrew stared at the tableau for a long moment, the tugged his headphones down around his neck and moved forward, surveying more of the damage as he got closer. Two of the displays near the fridges had been completely toppled, sending s'mores supplies and snack cakes as far out as lunchmeat on one side and paper goods on the other. There wasn't as much liquid on the floor as Andrew suspected there might be, the blood confined only to the vampire's actual person and only a small pool of pink lemonade leaking out of the nearest container. Upon closer inspection, the human appeared mostly unharmed and definitely alive, as he was breathing. He didn't have a drop of blood on him.

The vampire flashed fang as he gave a weak sort of smile. "I know this looks bad, but I swear, it's not."

"Uh-huh. Right." Andrew crouched down and picked up the carton of pink lemonade. It wasn't even opened properly. There were punctures in the side exactly the right size and distance to have been caused by pretty-vamp's fangs.

Andrew turned the carton to show the leaky punctures to the guilty vampire.

"I was thirsty?"

"Mm. What about the snack draped over your lap?" Andrew gestured at the guy, who was, admittedly, definitely a snack. He was significantly bigger than either himself or the vampire, with black hair and a small tattoo of a chess piece on the crest of one cheek.

The vampire did not seem to share Andrew's opinion. His pretty face screwed up in distaste, those damn-near cerulean eyes flashing with ire. "Ugh. No way. I only drink from Kevin when I'm on my deathbed."

"Is that your way of telling me that he's your boyfriend and you nip him every night, then?"

"What? No?" The blatant confusion on the vampires face had Andrew sighing. The vampire shook his head. "Look, I'm sorry about the lemonade. I was going to pay for it, but it couldn't wait." The skepticism must have been visible enough on Andrew's face for even this idiot to be able to read it because the vampire sighed and continued after just a short judgmental pause.

"I don't drink human blood. That brand of lemonade in addition to regular food can keep me going for weeks at a time without me having to go after animals either."

A vegan vampire, now Andrew had seen everything.

"Right, so why is your boyfriend passed out?"

"Not my boyfriend. The dumbass decided to go out while sick with moon-fatigue. He fainted."

Moon fatigue? Andrew looked back down at the man in the vampire's lap. That meant that 'Kevin' wasn't a human at all, but a were-something.

Instead of commenting on this, Andrew refocused on the vampire's face and said, "You sure you aren't dating?" Because it seemed pretty fated, a dumbass vampire who starves himself to the point where he has to raid the local grocery store for magical lemonade, hooking up with a dumbass were-somethingorother that resisted the change to the point where he got sick and then went out like that, thus necessitating the aforementioned situation where stupid starved vampire has to come rescue him. Speaking of... Andrew took another look at the carton in his hand and memorized the brand. There was no way he was ingesting anything that was able to keep a vampire off his bloodlust for weeks on end.

"Very," the vampire confirmed. Then he sighed and looked down at his friend for a moment before smacking him sharply enough that the sound even got a little echo. "Wake up, asshole!"

Kevin jolted awake with a lurch, then moaned and covered his face his hands. "The liiiiiights, they're so briiiiiight. Neiiiiiiiiiil where aaaaaare weeeeee?"

The vampire - Neil - rolled his eyes and gestured to the man in his lap. "See what I have to deal with?" He shook his head and shoved Kevin off his lap before standing. He was a little shaky as he rose, but managed to keep his feet. "Get up Kev. Thanks to you there's a huge ass fucking mess and if we ever want to come back again we're gonna have to help clean it up."

"Nooooooo."

"Yeeeeeees."

Kevin peaked his eye open, saw Andrew, and pointed. "Make him do it. Its basically his job!"

"I don't work here," Andrew said immediately, despite the violently orange vest he was wearing that sported both a name-tag and the logo for Palmetto Grocery.

Then a truly awful thing happened: Neil grinned at him. It was like the goddamn moon rising over an enchanted fucking lake, is what it was. Those blue eyes shined and his whole face softened. Two perfect dimples winked at him, his fangs flashing in a way that was both really sexy and kinda... cute. Even with the blood-spatter on his face the man was downright captivating.

Kevin woozily stumbling to his feet snapped Andrew out of his momentary stupor. The were looked from Neil to Andrew and sighed, shaking his head. "Tiny assholes. I am surrounded by tiny assholes." Then he turned and began to shuffle around, picking up boxes of Twinkies and stacking them in one arm.

Andrew turned back to Neil. "So if all you are here for is lemonade, why are you covered in blood?" It distantly occurred to Andrew that this probably should have been the first question he asked.

Neil shrugged. "Had to kill someone when I picked up Kevin."

Ah, well, that was that then. Andrew nodded his understanding and the two of them joined Kevin dealing with the mess. It was after Andrew had righted the display fixtures and Neil had started stacking all the boxes on them upside down that Neil looked over at him and asked, "Do you usually work nights?"

Andrew paused, blinked, and looked over at him. "Why?"

"Just curious. Kev and I are new to town."

"I am not a tour guide."

Ugh, no there it was again - that grin. This time accompanied by a short, bright laugh.

"Understood." Neil placed the last box on the top of the fixture, somehow getting it to balance on a single corner. Satisfied, he then looked back at Andrew, still fucking smiling. "I guess I'll see you around, then."

"You confuse me," Andrew said, almost without meaning to.

Another fang-flashing grin. "I'm a bit of a puzzle."

Andrew studied him for a moment, considering. He wondered if the idiot vampire even realized he was flirting with him. It sure seemed intentional - but he hesitated to give the dumbass that much credit.

"I guess I will just have to solve you then," Andrew finally said.

"Guess so." Neil then had the audacity to wink, and Andrew's ears turned pink. Intentional then, definitely intentional.

Luckily, Neil had turned to collect his friend, so probably didn't see his traitorous ears. The vampire looked back at him one more time, just long enough to raise a hand in farewell, before leading Kevin away from the refrigerators. Andrew tracked him with his eyes until they turned the corner, and were gone.

Well, if nothing else - Palmetto sure as fuck got a hell of a lot more interesting.

#asks #ficlet prompts #aftg #aftg fanfic #vampire!neil #neil josten #andrew minyard #kevin day #andreil #but also can kinda sorta definitely be read as kandreil if that is your flavor #grocery store au

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whats-rambled-rambled · 4 years

Text

Stuck in reverse - pt 5

Neil x Reader

Chapter 5: Someone like you

(<- see Chapter 4, 3, 2, 1)

summary: camping, watching sunsets, oh - and Neil plays a guitar

warnings: is beer an alcohol? Language. Feels. Lots of feels.

author’s note: when did we stop putting lyrics into fanfics? I miss that! Del Amitri - Tell Her This is one the three songs that inspired me to write this story in the first place.

Enjoy and let me know what you think!

---

As you were adjusting the straps of your backpack, you heard your team hollering happily by the van’s trunk. You shot a glance at their direction. Neil was just taking out his own backpack and you noticed a familiar shape next to him.

He brought the guitar.

You snickered at yourself, because that meant you were officially, royally screwed.

“Oi, mate, you plan on stealing some poor girl’s heart with this thing?” a young medic teased and nudged your friend’s shoulder.

Neil snorted and looked directly at you. “Maybe,” he said as an innocent smile appeared on his face. Then he winked.

Son of a bitch.

You scoffed and rolled your eyes, but the corner of your lips twitched.

___

The trail went mostly through the forest. The fog in the air, leaves rustling under your feet, the smell of resin and mushrooms – every step made you more and more relaxed. You tuned out your teammates’ chatter and just focused on taking in the views. You were still a bit tired after the previous night, not really in the mood for talking. The sadness was gone though, replaced by peaceful contentment.

You reached your destination in the afternoon and spent some time setting up the camp on a small clearing in the woods. The team set up nine small tents in a circle, leaving some place for a campfire in the middle.

You were halfway through unpacking the cool box when your phone buzzed. You raised your eyebrows when you noticed it was a text from Neil. You looked around, but you couldn’t see him anywhere. You opened the message only to find a set of coordinates there.

___

“Well, that certainly is a dramatic sunset, all right.”

Neil was standing at the edge of the cliff overlooking the valley. He jumped at the sound of your voice, turned around and greeted you with a wide grin on his face.

“Oh just wait until you see the view from up here,” he laughed and waved his hand to make you join him there.

You crossed your arms. “Nope, thanks, I’m perfectly good here.”

“Fine, you chicken, you’re missing out though,” he teased and turned his back to you.

You shook your head, annoyed at his comment. “Damn, I hate you so much sometimes,” you said through the gritted teeth and made few steps in his direction, still keeping your distance from the rim.

Neil started laughing and looked at you over his shoulder. “No, you don’t.”

You didn’t know why that thought made you this agitated, but you could feel your whole body getting tense. “What, you wanna tell me you remember the ridiculous way I take my coffee but you don’t remember that I am terribly scared of heights?”

Neil’s shoulders dropped when he noticed the angry look in your eyes. “I’m sorry, I thought-… You seemed okay when we were parachuting in Canada.”

You sighed. Yep, that was it. He’d moved in with Nikki few weeks before that mission, so he wasn’t there when you were sitting on the bathroom’s floor, barfing your guts out because you were so terrified and anxious. Only switching into your mission mode allowed you to survive that day without breaking down in front of everyone.

“Fake it till you make it, huh?” you laughed bitterly. “Nah man, I can push through it in the field, but after hours?” - you shrugged - “I’m useless.”

Neil opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but then shook his head, reached out his hand and smiled lightly. “Do you trust me?”

Of course you did.

You took his hand and let him guide you toward the edge of the cliff. You could feel your knees shaking and your breath became shallow.

Neil was closely watching your reaction, trying not to push you too far out of your comfort zone too soon.

“Few more steps and we’ll sit down, I promise,” he said softly.

You squeezed his hand and nodded.

Neil sat down and pulled you next to him before you had a chance to peek down the precipice. You looked around and gasped at the view. The river wound through the valley, reflecting the colours of the sun, which was slowly hiding its face behind the top of the mountains up ahead.

“I told you so.”

You chuckled, too mesmerized by the scene in front of you to say anything. You leaned back and sighed happily. With the corner of your eye, you could see Neil looking at you with a shade of a smile on his lips before he turned his head and focused on the sunset.

You both watched in silence the sky changing into more orange and purple tones.

Suddenly you felt a change in Neil’s mood. He was pinching his left hand’s little finger, lost in his thoughts. He must have noticed your gaze, because he took a deep breath, as if he was bracing for something.

“Why did you leave?” he asked quietly.

“What?”

Not that you didn’t know what he meant. You knew exactly what he was asking about, but you weren’t sure if you were ready to have that conversation.

“Why did you leave?” he repeated his question, still not looking in your direction. “...Back then.”

The sadness in his voice took you by surprise.

“Neil, I-” you hesitated, fighting the urge to laugh it all up and change the subject. But he deserved to know. “Look, you were so happy and so in love, you’d put all your time and energy into your new relationship and that was okay. I just wanted to give you a bit of space.”

His eyes darted at you as he scoffed in disbelief. “A bit of-...By completely disappearing? I thought that our friendship was stronger than that.”

That accusation hit you hard, so without thinking twice you blurted, “Hey, you didn’t call me either.”

The painful look in his eyes made you regret saying that almost instantly. God, it hurt, and it’s been eating you alive all those years, but you just knew-

“That’s not fair.”

You pulled up your knees and wrapped your arms around them. He was right.

“I know, I’m sorry,” you said softly. “Look, from the bottom of my heart, I was genuinely happy for you both. Really. But-...” you sighed heavily. You felt light-headed, knowing what you were about to say. You desperately wanted to get it all out once and for all. Even if jumping from that cliff seemed like a more pleasant option at that moment. “...at the same time it did hurt like bitch,” you ended quietly. There, you said it.

The silence was deafening.

You shot a quick glance at Neil. He was staring at you with his mouth open, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“Why-”

You looked into his blue eyes, hoping he would see the answer in yours.

“Please don’t make me say it,” you whispered, barely holding your emotions at bay.

Neil’s eyes widened as he gasped quietly in sudden realization. You could almost see him finally connecting all the dots in his mind. His expression was a mixture of shock and dread.

“Jesus, Y/N, but you never- why didn’t you say-”

Ah, that was the easiest question.

“Because I valued our friendship more than...” - you took in a shaky breath, fighting the tears welling up in your eyes - “...than that and I didn’t wanna risk it.”

No, the irony of that whole mess wasn’t lost on you, but you were glad Neil decided not to point it out. His intense stare was unbearable though.

You stood up, unable to bring yourself to stay any longer, terrified of what you might hear next.

“I have to go, I’m in charge of the food today,” you muttered and turned away to walk back to the camp.

“Y/N-”

Your heart clenched painfully in your chest. You pinched the bridge of your nose and shook your head, not looking back. “Neil, please. It’s just- I can’t do this right now.”

The short walk to the camp gave you enough time to pull yourself together. The policy is to suppress echoed in your mind and it helped you put the cap on your bottled emotions and to shove them back into the deepest corner of your heart. The rest of the crew was sitting around the campfire, listening to Seb’s story about his recent cinematic discoveries. You let him finish his rant before you joined them.

“Who’s hungry?” you asked, rubbing your hands together. Seeing your squad’s enthusiastic reactions put a smile on your face. “Okay, I need more hands for this!”

As you were giving instructions to Ira and Elliot over the cool box, you noticed Neil coming out of the forest. You saw Wheeler walking up to him and asking something, but he just shook his head, patted her on the shoulder, grabbed a beer from a bucket and sat down near the campfire.

Two hours later, most of the food you’d prepared was gone. The group switched to drinking and singing along to Neil’s guitar. You included, the atmosphere of camaraderie grounding you in the moment. After covering few of the classics, Neil started taking the requests.

“Hey, how about Passenger and Let her go?” said Wheeler, smirking.

Neil’s lips pressed into a thin line as he glared at her. If looks could kill, she’d be dead right then. For a moment it seemed like they were having a short non-verbal argument, then Neil sighed, clearly defeated. He put on a brave face though and played the first few chords.

What the hell was that about?

The rest of the guys whooped and joined him singing the lyrics. As the song progressed, you could swear Neil’s face became sadder, and by the end of the song you could feel a lump in your throat. The tenderness in his voice when he sang the last lines took your breath away.

//Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go//

The image of Nikki flashed before your eyes and you got up to grab another beer.

“All right guys,” Neil laughed and downed his bottle, frowning slightly. “Speaking of- ...let me choose the next one.”

Of course you recognized that song. Bloody hell. You remembered the first time you heard it, that winter afternoon, Neil and you snuggled under a blanket on his couch, watching the latest episode of your then-favourite TV show, and you slowly falling in love with the music, the lyrics… and your best friend in the whole world.

//Tell her not to go

I ain't holding on no more

Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time//

“You know that all this time I had no idea you are that childhood friend that broke his heart?”

Your heart sank at those words. Wheeler was standing right next to you with her arms crossed, a smug expression on her face. Your jaw dropped and you looked over your shoulder at Neil. Nobody seemed to know that song, so he just kept singing alone, smiling sadly.

//Tell her not to cry

I just got scared, that's all

Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call//

Your mind went blank, not allowing you to fully grasp what you’d just heard. “Me neither,” you said under your breath.

Wheeler snickered at your shocked face. “Apparently.” She placed her hand on your shoulder, squeezing it lightly and went to her tent, leaving you standing there alone.

You turned around and noticed Neil looking at you, the fire flickering in his eyes.

//Tell her not to go

I ain't holding on no more

Tell her nothing if not this: all I want to do is kiss her//

You held your breath, your hands were shaking. The thought appeared on your mind, but you were too scared to take it seriously.

What if he really meant it?

Why were you doing this to yourself? Enough. You left the camp and headed to the stream in the woods. You splashed the cold water on your face and sighed heavily.

“You have no idea how many times I wanted to call you.”

There he was, leaning against the tree, his hands in the pockets, his face tense and serious.

“One day I woke up and realized that you were gone. Days were passing by and it was getting more and more difficult.” Neil gritted his teeth in frustration as he looked away. “Goddammit, I thought you were mad at me, or hated me for some reason,” he exhaled slowly and fixed his gaze on you. “Or that you didn’t care anymore. I just tried to make some sense of it all. Believe it or not,” - he laughed bitterly - “I wanted to give you some space too.”

You wanted to laugh at that comeback, but a little sob escaped your mouth instead. The pain in his eyes was breaking your heart into a million little pieces. The tears were slowly getting mixed with the water on your face so you tried to wipe them with the back of your hand as you walked up to him.

“Neil, I’m sorry,” you said quietly and pulled him into a hug.

Neil wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in your hair, trembling lightly as he let out a shaky breath.

“The thought that I lost you for good was-” his voice broke before he could finish the sentence.

You pulled back so you could look at him. The tenderness of his expression made your heart skip a bit. Neil pressed his forehead into yours and closed his eyes.

“Jesus, I was so stupid. I’m so sorry,” he said softly.

You were lost for words, so you just shook your head lightly and placed a hand on his cheek, stroking it slowly with your thumb. Neil fixed his eyes on yours as he brushed a strand of hair away from your face.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered and sighed, biting his lip.

You chuckled lightly and smiled. Your fingertips slowly traced down his jawline, your heart pounding in your chest. “I’ve missed you, too.”

Neil tilted his head as he pulled you closer. Then he kissed you like there was no tomorrow and nothing else mattered anymore.

(next Chapter ->)

((bonus chapter ->))

#neil tenet #neil tenet x reader #neil x reader #tenet #robert pattinson #neil tenet fanfic #tenet fanfic #stuck in reverse

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neqtunes · 5 years

Text

Running from the police Ft. Andreil & Kevaaron

Look, I know I shouldn’t be writing this, but I am going to anyways because I CAN!

If you don’t like the ship, please leave :)) thanks.

Runaway Andrew and Aaron with shop workers Neil and Kevin

Andrew normally doesn’t steal

He only does when he needs too

Hes 20 and he can’t afford to be behind bars right now

And hes running out of energy - the more he ran, the weight of his legs were catching up to him

His breathing was getting worse, so just as he was turning a corner, he spots a see through door and starts banging, peering in

“Someone open the fucking door!”

The door was obviously locked and the more he fuddles with the doorknob, the closer the sirens got

As he was about to leave, a man comes quickly, looking at Andrew weirdly before opening the door for him

Andrew dashes in, not giving the man a second glance and hides behind a shelf of canned food items

Andrew hears the siren close to his ears, possibly right in front of the store

The sirens get distant

Andrew didn’t know he was holding his breathe until he lets out a loud sigh, continuing to hyperventilate

His eyes were blurry

He didn’t even notice the boy that opened the door for him was kneeling down to his level

Andrew eyes his auburn hair, before resting his eyes on the blue ones that stared back at him

“Neil!”

Neil looks back, and Andrew sees a taller man coming down the aisle

“I need you too-“

Kevin stops abruptly, seeing the messy state Andrew was in - ripped jeans, the white shirt he wore was a bit shredded yet very bloody and Andrew was visibly sweaty

“You smell like shit,” Kevin says without hesitation

Neil swats at Kevin's ankles before standing up straight and leaving without a word

Andrew watches as Neil leaves and looks up at Kevin

“Who the hell are you?” Kevin asks

Andrew stays quiet

Instead, Andrew starts coughing and that’s when Neil runs back into the aisle where Kevin and Andrew were

He had a water bottle in his hands

Neil opens it before handing it to Andrew who takes it and chugs it all down, back to breathing heavily and stays staring at the aisle of food in front of him

“So we let a criminal into our store?”

Andrew heard a banging on the door again but, out of instinct, he didn’t take a peek

Neil walks up to the door, peers through it and wondered if he was seeing two

Right in front of him, another boy that looked almost identical as the one inside the store - except this one looked a lot cleaner and in new clothes

This time, Neil hesitates with opening the door more than he did with the other boy

Neil opens the door, only for the duplicate man to walk right past him, shouldering Neil before Neil follows with a frown

Andrew looks up and sees his twin brother

“You don’t look happy,” Andrew says

“That’s because I’m fucking livid, the day you get off your meds is the day you want to screw the fuck up huh?”

Kevin and Neil stay silent as they watch the two stare at each other, extreme tension in the atmosphere that Kevin was afraid they would throw fists at one another - the shop would be ruined if they got into a physical fight

Kevin stares at the standing one; the cleaner looking one

Aaron feels someone staring at him and his eyes meet Kevin’s, Aaron replies by looking away

Kevin starts cussing under his breathe and gave Neil a stare

“This is your fault,” Kevin says.

“And?” Neil counters, crossing his arms

“I apologize for my brother coming into your store all bloody. I’m Aaron, and this.” Aaron waves at his brother in dismiss. “Is Andrew.”

“How’d you even find me?” Andrew says, giving Neil a glance. It was hard not to look at him, he was quite intriguing - a very evident scar on his face made Andrew stare longer

“They chased me thinking I was you while I was trying to follow you.”

Aaron walks past Kevin, slightly brushing his shoulder before going into the other isle and grabbing some bandages, rubbing alcohol, water - whatever he can find that would help his brother

He returns, only to dump the stuff right in front of Andrew and crouching down, staring at his brother

“Let me see.”

“No.”

“You are already losing blood.”

“And you are some sort of doctor?”

Aaron rose his brow in a motion of irritation combined with a ‘really bitch’ look

Andrew rolls his eyes before slightly turning his shirt up, showing a huge cut

“I tried to jump over a fence.”

“I know. I saw.”

“You know you have to pay for that?” Kevin interrupts, being elbowed in the ribs by his co-worker. Neil shook his head.

“He’s bleeding,” Neil says

“Do we look like a fucking hospital?”

Neil and Kevin continued to argue in whispers while the twins listened

They didn’t pay much attention to Andrews scar, they weren’t even looking to Andrews relief

Andrew broke their little whisper competition with a grunt in pain

Neil and Kevin watched as Andrew tries to get up without toppling over, but he did anyways and grabs his brother for stamina

“We will leave now,” Aaron says

Neil looks at Kevin, but Kevin stares at the twins as they near the door

They both follow them, and opened the door while Andrew has his arm around his brother for support

Aaron looks at Kevin, but doesn’t give the slightest attention to Neil

That was fine to Neil, he had his eyes on Andrew anyways, who also was looking back at him

“Thanks,” Aaron says to the shopkeepers

“Mmm,” Andrew replies

Kevin watches as Aaron rolls his eyes before making eye contact with Kevin

“You owe me.”

Aaron nods with a sigh

“You owe us.” Neil side eyes Kevin.

Andrew doesn’t spare a word as he starts walking, pulling his brother along with him

The two shop keepers watch as the twins cross the street and speed walk away

“I call dips on the bleeding one.”

Kevin gives a stink eye to Neil, but shrugs

“I like the doctor twin anyways, hes way more good looking then the other.”

“They are identical twins.”

“And?” Kevin retaliates, mimicking Neil from before

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cruecifymesixx · 4 years

Text

Love and Leather /part seventy four/

Word count: 3.7k

A/N: Hope every one is staying safe out there! the world is a scary place atm. s/o to @xxisxxisxxis for getting me out of my slump

Warnings: language, dash of angst, smut

Taglist: @brideofdraculana , @aryssav , @miserablecunt , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol, @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless, @justjodeye, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland, @awesomealmostdopestudent, @romanticvengeance , @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill @beachystars, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @rockersbox, @brooklyn-antiques, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi, @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream, @lunamadhatter99, @broke-n-bitchy @thanks2pete, @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1, @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001, @waywardprincess666, @malibubarbievince, @iluvmesomemarvelndc, @zoenicoles, @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer @electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe, @nassauartist @cmft-jr-winchester, @bokkie92, @notworthyofyou1120 @xrosegoldwolfx, @lauravic, @mgkobsessed, @chaoticvybe, @kellysimagines @thoughtsoftheantagonist @marvelismylifffe, @sleepyjunhong @meetthesixxter @sparxx27 @gingerspicetalks @kaitieskidmore1 @unknownoblivion @nevergoodenuffbutokaaayyy @sublimeprincesswasteland @kylieinwonderland @haileynicoleseavey17 @lavendersoundbarrier @youretheonlyonewhomakesme, @xxisxxisxxis, @dogmom2014, @cruesixxlover1991, @xpoisonousrosesx, @cranberrirolls, @m0rnlngstar, @love-struck-aries, @findingmyths, @minxtruck, @i-want-to-shoot-myself, @arianareirg, @fentitrbl, @sinningsixx, @motleycrueprincess, @redlipscrystalskies14, @samanthadegaro

*November 1995*

~Nikki’s POV~

I stopped at the bathroom door, hearing Vanity cursing quietly and slamming drawers closed. I opened the door up seeing her trying to get a lid to a pill bottle-Wait.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I questioned, watching her become startled as she looked at me, “Are those fucking pills?”

“Yes they’re pills. What does it look like? I can’t get this stupid thing open.” She spoke through gritted teeth, knuckles white as she tried again.

“Why the hell do you have pills in our god damn house?!” I quietly shouted, knowing Arianna was right in her room getting ready for school, “I thought you were sober!” I took one giant stride and snatched them out of her hand.

“Nikki? What the hell! Give them back. It’s not what you think it is.” She said, trying to reach for them but I put my hand on her shoulder and gave her a light shove.

“What the fuck is the matter with you?! It’s not even seven in the morning. And you’re already trying to get high. What the fuck Van? Our daughter is in the next god damn room.”

Vanity scoffed, “Babe. You’re being ridiculous.”

“I’m fucking ridiculous?” I glared at her as I untwisted the cap and dumped the little white pills in the toilet.”

“Nikki! No!” She stared at the toilet in horror before shoving my chest.

I quickly grabbed her wrists and held them in front of our bodies, “Vanity, what the fuck?”

She looked at me, cheeks red and tears in her eyes, “That was my birth control, Nikki!” She rugged away from me, looking down in the toilet as she ran her hands through her hair and pulling on the ends.

“Well why the fuck isn’t in one of those little discs.” I tossed the bottle in the trash as I looked at her, “Vanity, I am so sorry. I thought-“

“Yeah I know exactly what you thought!” She rolled her eyes, “The pharmacy didn’t have my usual birth control and gave me a generic brand. That’s why Nikki.” She groaned, “Damnit, I just picked them up yesterday.”

“Uh...can’t you get more? I’ll go pick them up for you. I’m sorry Van, I thought...” I rubbed the back of my neck, avoiding her glare as I sighed, “I’m sorry.”

Vanity remained quiet as she threw the pill bottle in the trash, “It’s fine, Nikki.” I watched as she leaned forward to add more gloss on her lips.

“I mean, it’s not like we’re having sex.” I mumbled seeing her glare as I smiled in return.

“I don’t take it just so I can be your little cream puff.” She rolled her eyes, “I take it because your child screwed up my menstrual cycle and because I’ve been told I have a few outbursts here and there and the pills you just dumped help keep my hormones in check, which keeps my moods in check. So if you don’t want me to start screaming at you, I suggest you get out of my face and go to the studio.”

“Did you just call yourself my little cream puff?”

“Nikki!”

I started laughing and took slow steps to her before kissing her cheek, “Love you. If you love me later and you find yourself hungry, come by the studio and we can go out to lunch and you can meet John too.”

Vanity elbowed my sternum and I quickly stepped away and put my hands up, “I’m leaving!” I chuckled before leaving the bathroom.

“Bye baby. I’ll see you after school.” I told Arianna as I popped into her room to see she was playing with her barbies. She quickly put them down and came running to me.

“Love you daddy.” She hugged my legs, making me smile and bend over to kiss the top of her head.

“Love you more angel. Be good today.”

*a few hours later*

~Vanity’s POV~

I glanced in the rearview mirror, smacking my lips together after wiping away excess lipstick. I exhaled before glancing over at the studio doors. I figured it would be better to just let this mornings incident go and be civil with Nikki. I noticed behind me some guy in a dodge pick up truck attempt to parallel park behind me. I rolled my eyes before closing the cap on the lipstick and tossing it into my purse.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten when I felt the car move just a bit and the sound of metal being crushed, “stupid idiot.” I muttered to myself before stepping out and slamming the car door.

“What the hell dude? Your truck clearly cannot fit into a tiny little spot. If you can’t drive it you probably shouldn’t have bought it.” I groaned when I walked to the back seeing the rear end crushed and the tail light smashed on the asphalt.

“I am so sorry miss. I wasn’t paying attention. I swore I had enough clearance.” A man with long curly black hair and cut off jorts stood in front of me.

“Yeah, that’s crystal clear.” I rolled my eyes, pushing the sunglasses up to the top of my head, “This isn’t even my car.”

Nikki was going to kill me, than him.

I watched as he dug into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet and grabbing his insurance card “I can pay for whatever damage-“

I laughed in his face, “You can pay for a two hundred thousand car to be fixed?”

“Ma’am, I am very sorry. I have a lot on my mind and parallel parking isn’t my greatest skill. We can work out payments or something, just take my insurance card please. I am running late to a band meeting. Again, I am very sorry.”

I tilted my head to the side, as I took his insurance card my eyes widening when I saw the name of the policy holder: John Corabi. So this was the guy Nikki couldn’t shut up about.

I handed it back to him, “You know, it’s not that bad.” I looked at the damage, “My uh, baby daddy will take care of it. Just be careful next time. So, you’re in a band?”

He nodded and fumbled with the paper between his fingers, “Yeah, well, no. Not officially. I sign the contract today. You know, if you wanna forget about this maybe I could take you to see them?”

“See the band?” I smirked, “Maybe we can work something out. What band is it?”

John took the initiative to let his eyes wander down me before I was met with a smile, “Mötley Crüe. You know them?”

I gasped, pretending of course “Mötley Crüe?! I am such a big fan of them! We’ll call it even if you take me with you.” I brought the sunglasses back down and touched the side of his shoulder.

“Wait, really? Uh, oh-okay. Yeah, right this way. This is the studio they work at.” He gently placed his hand on my lower back and guided me across the parking lot.

He reminded me of the crackhead version of Slash if Slash himself was a lot skinnier and less hot.

“You know, you kinda look like a friend of mine. I’m Vanity by the way.” I smiled kindly when he held the door open for me.

“Vanity? Like the mirror?”

I chuckled, “Yes, like the mirror. Another favorite is it being a strippers name.”

“Well are you? Because you are absolutely gorgeous. I’m John.”

“No not a stripper, maybe in another life I was. I feel like I would’ve made a real good dancer. So, you’re replacing Vince Neil, huh?”

He nodded, “Hoping too. I think they all liked me.”

You have no idea.

“Well I think you have very big shoes to fill. I’ve heard a lot of things about the Crüe. That they’re wild and disgusting, devil worshippers even.”

John laughed, “I’ve heard crazy stories too. But I’ve always been a big fan. I left my band to do this so I’m risking a lot. But I think I’ll be alright.”

“I hope so. I’ve heard about the bassist, what’s his name again? Heard he’s kind of an asshole.” I laughed under my breath.

“Nikki Sixx? He seems like a nice guy. But if he isn’t, I can deal with assholes.”

“Yeah! Him! He’s hot but his attitude is totally shitty.” I attempted to keep from cracking up in a fit of laughter by chewing on my bottom lip. John opened up the wooden door the bands studio, the ‘in session’ light illuminated. Tommy and Nikki were laughing their asses off about something while Clementine filed her nails. Mick was in the corner talking to his tech guy.

Nikki glanced over at me, a smile spreading across his lips but it dwindled when he noticed Johns arm was wrapped around me. I mouthed the words ‘relax’ to him as he became confused.

“So this is the band? Wow, real life rockstars.” I pretended to sound enthused as John nodded.

Tommy gave me a ‘what the fuck are you doing’ type look while Clementine tried not to laugh.

“Hey guys, and Clementine. I hope you don’t mind I brought a friend. Her name is Vanity.” John explained was he pointed to a chair I could sit down at.

“Hi I’m Vanity. You’re Tommy Lee, right?” I smiled at Tommy, extending my hand out to him as he shook his head.

“I’m not shaking that because I know where that hand has been.” He leaned closer, whispering to me as I swatted his shoulder.

“Are you not going to introduce them to me?” I questioned John, batting my eyelashes at him as he quickly nodded.

“Yeah, yeah, no, of course-“ he took a sip of his water and cleared his throat, “This is Mick Mars, guitarist and legend.”

Kiss ass. By the eye roll of Micks, he felt the same way.

“And Nikki Sixx, bassist and leader of the band.” Nikki side eyed me as he leaned back into the chair, arms crossed over his chest as he let out a breath of hot air.

“I’m very surprised you’re already bringing groupies around.” Nikki tsk’d as I scoffed at his words.

“She-shes not a groupie. I accidentally hit her sports car.”

“Oh?” Nikki glanced at me, “Sports car, huh? What kind?”

I smiled at Nikki, “A black Ferrari...the damage isn’t too bad. The taillight is busted out and the bumper is a bit crushed in and scratched. His fault, not mine. But I told him my baby daddy would be more than willing to fix it.” I smiled at Nikki, seeing his face turn a crimson shade by each word that escaped my mouth.

Nikki turned his glare to John, “You hit my car?” I shimmied past him to sit down on Nikki’s lap.

“John, meet my baby daddy, Nikki Sixx.” I kissed the side of his cheek before smiling at the both of them, “Small world, right?”

A lightbulb clicked off in Johns head, “Van-Vanity....oh you’re-“

“Vanity Blackwood almost Sixx. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

John looked like he was about to shit himself, “I am so sorry Nikki. I just got a new truck and it’s bigger than my last one. I will pay for all damages and what not.”

Nikki chuckled “We’ll swap information later. Here.” Nikki reached out and handed him a black folder “Read it later and bring it back to me signed tomorrow. It’s your contract.” He kisses the side of my cheek and my neck.

I leaned against his chest, seeing the dumbfounded smile John had before turning to Nikki, “You said if I was hungry to come see you.”

He grinned before rubbing my sides and pulling me off of him, “Let me finish this and then we can go. Do you love me again?”

I pondered on it, laughing when he lightly smacked my knee, “Only if you take me to where I can get margaritas and bottomless salsa and chips.”

*a little while later*

“Baby, you aren’t gonna get drunk, you’re just going to get a brain freeze if you keep it up.” Nikki chuckled and I slurped down my second strawberry margarita. I licked the salt off the rim before taking the tequila shot he had got me.

“Am not. And you’re the one that keeps ordering them for me.” I pointed out before stealing a bite of his nachos.

“So what are we gonna do for Christmas?” I looked at him and shrugged.

“Um, I don’t know? Presents? Tree? Decorating the house? What do you want to do?”

“I want to go to Texas...”

“Texas? What the hell is in Texas- oh Nikki. No, no. I don’t think we’re ready for that..”

He nodded a bit, “I figured, I just want to Uh...make amends with your mother. And Greyson and Sage....again.”

I sat back in the booth as I watched as he munched down on his food, “Let’s do that in the new year, okay? Let’s just give Arianna a Christmas with the both of us for the first time. My family isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.” I suggested softly as he nodded again, opting not to say anything as he took a sip out of his soda bottle.

“I just don’t want them to hate me.”

“They don’t.”

Nikki laughed, “Doll, you don’t have to spare my feelings. It’s alright.”

“No I’m serious. They don’t hate you. They just...they thought higher of you and that you wouldn’t but we don’t have to talk about it right now. Let’s just enjoy lunch and talk about Christmas. Arianna has been talking about that Barbie Jeep to drive around. She saw it when we went to the store a little while ago. And she believes in Santa and I want her too believe in him for as long as she possibly can.”

“But Santa isn’t real? Why would we have her believing in something that isn’t real?”

I stared at him before I started laughing, “Are you serious? She’s a child, Nikki. It’s part of the Christmas spirit and it’s the same with the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, and magic and fairies.”

“Well, I’m not dressing up like Santa if that’s where this is leading. But I guess we can get her that Barbie Jeep but I want to test drive it.”

I chuckled, “You know it’s made for small kids right?” My phone started ringing and I sighed through my purse to find it.

“Yeah, well, as a father I should make sure it’s safe. Maybe me and T-bone can test it. Make sure it’s up to protocol.”

“Whatever you want Sixx. It’s Clemmy.” I brought the phone up to my ear, “Hey Clem, what’s up?”

Nikki rolled his eyes, “Her separation anxiety is showing.” He muttered as I flipped him off.

“Tell him I heard that.”

“She heard you.” I smiled, he rolled his eyes again and took a sip of his beer, “What’s up though?”

“I was thinking, what if we had a dinner party tonight? To welcome John into the band.”

“A dinner party?” I looked at Nikki as he shrugged and wasn’t interested in it.

“Yeah that would be good. Would give me a reason to clean all of Arianna’s crafts off the dining table. I wouldn’t know what to cook for everyone-“ I stared when Nikki ripped the phone out of my hand.

“Clementine, it’s Nikki. If we’re having a dinner party and the band is coming over, Vanity is not cooking. Just pick up some steaks and I’ll grill them later and get some sides, and beer. Okay? Bye now, we;re busy at lunch.” He hung up on her and handed the phone back to me.

“Always a gentleman, Nikki.”

*Later that evening*

I sat on Nikki’s desk, watching him exhale as he put the guitar down, “What’s up?” I motioned for him to come to me. With a chuckle, Nikki rolled forward a bit and looked at me, “Yes, Princess? What do you want?”

“You love me?” I questioned, spreading my legs and putting either one on the side of the arm rests of the chair. Nikki’s eyes briefly looked down between my legs, catching a glimpse at a black thong under the black skirt I was wearing

“Of course.” His rough hands ran from my ankles to my mid thighs, his lips pecking sporadic kisses against my skin. Nikki scooted closer, keeping a iron grip on my legs before pushing the fabric up my hips.

A breathy sigh left my lips when he kissed against my inner thigh, his tongue darting out before pressing a kiss against my clothed core. I leaned back onto my elbows, his eyes never leaving mine.

Nikki’s hand traveled up my sternum before wrapping around my throat, using his weight to force me down on the paper covered desk. My lips parted when he squeezed my neck, a toothy grin breaking out across my face. I sighed when I felt his hot breath against me, his tongue slowly licking a stripe before twirling it around my clit.

“Can’t wait for dinner baby?” I smirked, wincing when he nipped the inside of my thigh before going back to work.

A laugh mixed with a moan tumbled out when Nikki spat on my pussy, his fingers rubbing it in before spreading my legs more. Hazel hues stared up at me as his tongue found its way inside before they closed and he hummed against my skin.

I pushed black strands of hair out of his face before resting my hand on the back of his head. “Right there, Nikki.” I encouraged in a breathy moan. His hand slipped under my shirt and bra, cupping my breast as he pinched and rolled my nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

I pushed his head closer to my body feeling his smile, “I think our guests will be here soon.” Nikki paused before continuing. He placed a gentle kiss against my clit before sliding two fingers inside of me, my back arching off his desk as his tongue figure eighted over my clit before sucking on it “Come on babygirl.”

I focused on his movements, feeling my interior walls tighten around his fingers repeatedly. I heard the clink of his belt buckle being undone as I hit my peak, tugging raven strands at the root and biting back moans.

Nikki’s hands quickly grasped around my upper arms, pulling me up to a sitting position. I reached out for his pants, pulling apart the laces as he hollowed out my cheeks and gave me a seering kiss. His tongue drenched with my cum and his teeth pulling at my bottom lip.

I pushed his pants off his hips as he took a hold of his cock and I pushed my panties to the side for him. He let out a groan and my head fell back when he pushed himself inside of me brutally slow.

“Hey guys everyones- oh my god!” Nikki quickly pulled out of me and turned around to stuff himself back into his pants when Clementine came through the office door.

“Get the fuck out! Get out of my office!” Nikki yelled at her as I couldn’t control my laughter.

“Fuck! I’m so-“ She slammed his office door “-Sorry!! But everyone’s here!” Clem yelled from the hallway as I got off his desk and adjusted my thong and fixed my skirt.

“Thanks Clem!” I yelled back, attempting not to laugh and failing “Oh relax.” I stepped towards Nikki and wrapped my arms around his waist, feeling his hard on pinned against me, begging for release.

Nikki looked at me and started laughing before he fell back into the chair and rubbed his face, “To bad your back was turned towards her, you shoulda seen the look she had. It was pure disgust and horror.” He groaned and rubbed himself through his pants, “Aren’t you gonna help me? It hurts.”

“Well I feel good...” I mumbled “Put it away. The band is here and we gotta go downstairs.” I chuckled before I turned away from him and started walking to the door.

“Vanity, if you leave me like this I swear to god you aren’t going to walk right for a week.” He threatened as he quickly followed behind me before he wrapped me up in his arms.

“After dinner- Ah Sixx.” I winced, pulling away from him when he sharply nipped the side of my neck, “After dinner, I promise.” I reached behind and patted his cock to make him jump.

“Dick tease.”

Everyone was already sitting around the table when Nikki sat down at the head of it and I sat down at the other side, “Sorry guys, had to take care of business upstairs.” I glanced at Nikki before taking the bottle of wine Clementine handed to me and poured it straight to the top.

“Like what you saw?” I teased, seeing her cheeks go red as she pretended to gag.

“I’m scarred for life now.” She mumbled before taking a long sip out of her wine glass.

“Ari, baby. Tell auntie we should always knock on doors.”

“Auntie, mommy says you need to knock.” Arianna giggled as she was barely able to see over the dinner table.

“Thanks for that pumpkin. I’ll remember next time.”

“You got a beautiful house, Nikki.” John continued to kiss his ass from earlier as I rolled my eyes.

“Thank you. Vanity is the one that picked it out for us.” Nikki smiled at me as I watched him pop open a beer bottle.

“And he refused to let me decorate it. Said he didn’t want to live like it’s Easter.” I pointed out, arching an eyebrow as I looked at me.

“Because you didn’t want to live in the land of dramatic and dreadful.” Nikki matched my expression as I blew him a kiss.

I looked towards the front door when the doorbell went off, “I’ll get it.” I excused myself, “Start eating without me, Clementine has worked hard all afternoon.” I smiled at the boys, patting Micks shoulder gently as I walked past him.

Nikki reached out and grabbed my hand before pulling me to him and giving me a kiss. The doorbell rang again, “Okay, okay. I love you too.” I laughed, pulling away from his grip.

I walked out of the dining room and to the entry way, seeing a shadow beyond the glass of the door. I opened up, a light gasp falling past my lips when I saw who was standing on my doorstep.

“Deanna?”

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zen3to5 · 5 years

Text

J/H 3-21: The Trials of Michael Kelso

In doing this project, I haven't touched the "A" stories of any episodes since "Ice Shack." That's a consequence of trying to stick to things that could plausibly have happened on the show; even continuing through Season 3, Zen needs to be in proportion to what its role would've been in the overall story. (It's also a consequence of the "A" stories in the last few episodes not having much, if any, overlap with the "B" stories and runners.)

Well, in this case, there's a whole new "A" story for "The Trials of Michael Kelso," and what was its "A" story is a significantly altered "B." Jackie and Hyde don't have a single scene together here (just as in the actual episode), but I promise there's payoff to this. And there's also ripple effects spreading into Season 4, because a certain off-screen development there made for the new "A" plot here...

FF.Net AO3

---

SHOW TITLE INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT The Hyde residence, as trashed as ever. BUD sits on the couch, watching TV. The door swings open and HYDE enters. BUD: Hey, there he is! HYDE: Bud, man, you’re not working tonight? BUD: Well, the bookie knows to look for me down at the bar, but he doesn’t know where I live. He laughs. Hyde tosses his keys onto the counter and sits on the other end of the couch. HYDE: You in trouble, Bud? BUD: Oh, no, no no. (beat) I mean, most of those guys, when they say “I’ll beat your face in,” that just means “you’ve got another two weeks,” you know? HYDE: I mean, if you need another loan... Bud looks up, expecting. Hyde pulls out a few bills and passes them over. Bud counts them and pockets them. BUD: Atta boy. Hey, why don’t we go and hit up the nudie bar? He gives Hyde a friendly jab to the arm, and Hyde nods and cackles. HYDE: Now you’re talkin’. Bud laughs and pats Hyde’s knee. A knock comes to the door, and Bud pushes himself up. BUD: Hope you’ve got some singles left. You never know who you’re gonna meet there. Chuckling, he opens the door. There stands EDNA HYDE, cigarette in one hand and a suitcase in the other. BUD: Edna? Hyde jumps to his feet. HYDE: Mom? They all stare, no love lost among any of them.

MAIN CREDITS BUMPER INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT Moments later. Bud looks back and forth from his son to his ex-wife. Finally, he chuckles weakly and beckons Edna inside. BUD: Hey – Edna! Wow, you look so... older. She rolls her eyes. Hyde fumes behind them as Bud gamely tries to stay chipper. BUD (cont’d): God, how long’s it been, the three of us all together? Was it that trip out to Milwaukee? You know, the one where they pulled us over on the way back after I hit that deer? Edna glares, shoves Bud back by the chest as she strolls into the apartment. EDNA: No, Bud, it was after the trip to Green Bay where you lost your lunch and your beer all over Phil Bengston’s head. Milwaukee was where you met Jo-Jo the wonder ass. She sits down on the couch. Hyde moves as far away from her as he can without leaving the room, but doesn’t escape her notice. EDNA (cont’d): (to Bud) I see you picked up our son. (to Hyde) Steven. HYDE: Edna. Edna looks him over. EDNA: You seem like you’ve held up. I knew you’d be fine. HYDE: Yeah. That really makes up for you taking off with Truck Stop Terry, huh? Edna scowls at him. Bud clears his throat, laughs weakly, and takes his place back on the couch. BUD: So, Edna – what brings you back to town? Should we, ah, set a plate out for Truck Stop Terry too? He looks around for support for the wisecrack but gets none. EDNA: (to Bud) Truck Stop Terry is halfway to Nebraska with a hooker named Billie and everything I had marked for the pawn shop. I’ve got no cash left and didn’t have any place else to go. HYDE: Sucks, doesn’t it? EDNA: Still a smart ass, I see. HYDE: There’s the attitude that won you “Mother of the Year” seventeen years running. EDNA: Hey, you’re lucky I stuck around as long as I did in a little dump town like this. I lasted longer than this one. She points roughly to Bud, who looks anywhere but at the two people in the room with him. EDNA (cont’d): Anyway, I’m back, aren’t I? HYDE: Don’t give me that crap. You just said you had nowhere else to go, else you wouldn’t be here now. BUD: Steven – HYDE: (to Bud) No, screw this, and screw her! I’ll be at the bar, Dad. He leaves quickly, slamming the door after him. Edna and Bud shift around on the couch. EDNA: Like father, like son, huh? BUD: He’s a good egg, Edna. Hell, he’s keeping me afloat here. Edna looks up, a searching look in her eye. EDNA: Yeah? BUD: Yeah. I’m drowning down at the track. You must’ve done something right with him. EDNA: Eh. The twitchy kid’s folks had more of him than I did. She takes a long drag on her cigarette. BUD: Come on, Ed. EDNA: (sighs) Well... that fake I.D. he’ll be using at that bar? Who do you think taught him how to get one of those? Bud gives her a congratulatory gesture as she shrugs and smokes. CUT TO: INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM - NIGHT That same night. DONNA, JACKIE, and KELSO all sit on the couch. Jackie and Kelso’s homework is spread out over the coffee table, while Donna holds a notebook and pencil in her hands. DONNA: (to Jackie) So if “x” equals 7, then “y” equals... JACKIE: 2? DONNA: Wrong. Kelso? KELSO: Uh... L? DONNA: (beat) Also wrong. It’s a pretty simple equation, guys. Just think about it for a second. Jackie’s face scrunches up in thought. Kelso stares at her, grinning, and gives her a light nudge with his shoulder. KELSO: You’re so pretty. You don’t even need to know math. Jackie turns to him, beaming. JACKIE: That’s so weird. I was just thinking the same thing! They giggle together. Donna lets out a long sigh. DONNA: Okay, I think “girls’ study night” needs to go down to just girls. Jackie pouts at Donna, but Kelso starts gathering his things. KELSO: Yeah, I’d better get going. (to Jackie) We’re still on for the Hub tomorrow? JACKIE: Uh-huh. KELSO: Awesome. See ya then. He exits. Donna moves down the couch closer to Jackie. DONNA: Great. Now maybe we can get some work done. Not likely; Jackie’s still looking after Kelso’s wake. JACKIE: Michael’s so sweet. Now that we’ve been spending time together as friends, he’s like a completely different person. He’s changed so much since we broke up. She sighs. Donna tries to hide her skeptical expression. JACKIE (cont’d): When I look into his eyes, I can see the maturity and honesty there now. He really has grown up. Donna’s expression turns disgusted, and turning her head doesn’t hide it anymore. Jackie scowls at Donna. JACKIE (cont’d): What, you think I’m wrong? DONNA: Gee, Jackie, let me think. Uh, YEAH! I mean, this is Kelso you’re talking about. Of all the times he’s said he’s learned something and grown up, when has he ever actually learned anything and grown up? And if you’re thinking about getting back together with him - JACKIE: No, no, no, Donna, I don’t want to get back together with him. (beat) But if I ever did, it’s good to know that he’s ready for a healthy, adult relationship. DONNA: (looks up) Oh, God, kill me now. JACKIE: Fine. You don’t believe me? I’ll prove it. I’ll come up with some simple psychological tests that’ll show Michael’s matured. DONNA: You know, Jackie, that’s a good idea. JACKIE: It is? DONNA: Absolutely. If you’re even considering getting back with Kelso, you better have him tested. BOB and MIDGE enter, carrying two large grocery bags each. BOB: Hi there, kids. DONNA: Hey, Dad. BOB: Listen, sweetie, do your mom and me a favor. This Thursday, would you mind spending the night over at Jackie’s? We’re having a little party here. DONNA: Well, Dad, I don’t mind. I’ll just stay up in my room. BOB: Honey, I really think you oughta be out of the house for this one. See, this party is... well, it’s... we’re all gonna be... MIDGE: It’s a nudist party. Donna and Jackie both shudder, and Jackie screams. They gather their things and race out of the room. Bob and Midge look after them, then to each other. They shrug and head into the kitchen. BUMPER INT. HUB - DAY The next day, early afternoon. Almost empty. “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” by Neil Sedaka plays on the jukebox. Jackie and Kelso occupy the wall table, Jackie in the booth seat and Kelso across from her. Jackie’s notebooks and Kelso’s food are spread over the table. Donna and FEZ share a small round table. Fez sits backwards in his chair and plays with the straw of his soda. FEZ: So in a nudist party, everyone is nude, yes? DONNA: Yeah, Fez. FEZ: And that includes all the womens? DONNA: Yeah... and all the men, too. FEZ: But also all the womens. He gets a dirty little smile. Donna puts a palm to his face and shoves, sending him flying back from his seat onto the ground. Jackie looks up over her notes at Kelso, who’s using one of his fries to draw shapes in the blob of ketchup in his basket. Jackie clears her throat. JACKIE: So, Michael, this assignment I’m working on is about what careers we might want after graduating, and - KELSO: Oh, I remember that one. I did pretty well on it, too. See, I had two choices. I was considering becoming a doctor... JACKIE: Ooh, a doctor! That’s so mature. She looks over Kelso’s shoulder at Donna, who’s watching the scene with a slightly mocking smile. Fez crawls back into his seat. KELSO: Yeah. Or a rodeo clown. ‘Cause then I’d get to wear a big clown nose and ride around in barrels. Yeah, I think I gotta go with rodeo clown. Jackie looks dumbstruck as she makes a note in her notebook. Donna puts a hand over her face to hide her laughter. JACKIE: (beat) Okay... enough about that. So Michael, there are two events occurring this weekend. One that you might like, and one that I would really, really, really, really, really want to go to. Now, should we go see the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders - KELSO: Oh, pfft! Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. JACKIE: Yes, or - KELSO: No, Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. JACKIE: But Michael, I want - KELSO: No, Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders! A crestfallen Jackie makes another mark in her notebook. Donna, barely holding it together, stands and staggers into the bathroom. Fez moves from his chair to an empty one by Kelso. FEZ: So what does one do to get invited to a nudist party? Jackie covers her face with one hand as Kelso looks off in thought. CUT TO: INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – EVENING Later that day. THE CIRCLE. Kelso is juggling a single egg. KELSO: Hey, guys. Check out this egg Jackie gave me to take care of. It’s great for rodeo clown practice. Later I’m gonna find somebody to chuck it at. Pan to Hyde. HYDE: Hey, man, I volunteer Edna. An egg to the head is just the sort of “welcome home” greeting you deserve when you roll back into town after riding a trucker around the greater Midwest area. Pan to ERIC. ERIC: (to Hyde) Edna? Wait, Hyde – your mom’s back? That’s great, man! I mean – it is great, isn’t it? Because that’s the sort of thing that usually is great, but – I mean... with how your mom left... and not to mention she’s, you know... He makes a gross face. Pan to Fez. FEZ: (to Hyde) Hyde, do you think your parents will be on the guest list for the Pinciotti’s nudist party? Because that is some naked I would like to avoid. Pan to Kelso, still juggling. KELSO: Yeah, Bob and Midge are going all out for that one. I was over there with Jackie and saw ‘em settin’ up a keg, and makin’ cheese puffs, and little mini hot dogs, and hard-boiled... He trails off, catches the egg, and laughs as he stares at it. Pan to Hyde. HYDE: (to Eric) Look, Forman. I know how “after-school special” you get over these things, but this is no big deal, all right? So I don’t want you running to get Red or your mom to check up on me, ‘cause me and Bud – we’re okay now, and we can handle... (to Kelso) They have cheese puffs? Pan to Eric. ERIC: (to Hyde) Okay, Hyde. If you say so. But I want you to know... damn, now I want cheese puffs! (beat) Hey – maybe my mom made some for dinner! He and Hyde bolt to the stairs. CUT TO: INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING RED and KITTY are in the middle of their meals, but Eric and Hyde are way past that. Their plates empty, they’ve split an entire loaf of bread between them and eat it by the slice. Eric shovels his slices in plain, while Hyde uses the bread to soak up leftover sauce and juices from his plate. Red does his best to ignore their behavior, but Kitty keeps stealing glances at Hyde. KITTY: (to Hyde) Steven, this is two nights in a row we’ve had you over for dinner. Is everything alright at home? His mouth too full to talk, Hyde nods vigorously and reaches for a tall glass of milk. HYDE: (gulps down milk) Oh yeah, Mrs. Forman, everything’s fine. He starts in on another bread slice. Kitty looks from him to Eric and laughs. KITTY: Okay, then. I have a custard pudding for dessert if anyone wants - Eric and Hyde, both eating, nod and beckon for the pudding without looking up. Kitty retrieves the large pudding bowl from the island, and no sooner sets it on the table than the boys start spooning it onto their plates. Eric is the first to take a bite. ERIC: (loudly) Oh, God, this is great! (to Hyde) Man, remember the custard your mom used to make at school? That was horrible! God! I hope she’s learned to cook while she was gone. HYDE: Shut up, Forman! Too late; Red and Kitty both turn toward Hyde. KITTY: Your mother’s back? Eric slams a hand down on the table, drawing his parents’ attention. ERIC: (loudly) Did I say that? I didn’t say that! Why did I say that? Oh, God, listen to my voice! I’m so loud! Red and Kitty consider their son for a moment, then turn back to Hyde. RED: Steven? HYDE: Yeah, so? She’s back. KITTY: Well, now, that’s... that is such good news! (laughs) ... Isn’t it? ERIC: (loudly) That’s what I said! That is just what I said! Is it good or not? Why am I still talking like this? RED: (to Eric) Hey – stop acting weird. (to Hyde) So, Edna’s back, eh? Well, that sure is... surprising. KITTY: Yeah. How’s your father taking that? HYDE: Fine. They sit and shout, just like old times. Hyde’s gone from eating bread slices to tearing them up. He refuses to meet Kitty’s eye. KITTY: Oh. (laughs) And how about – how about you, Steven? Are you all right? Because you don’t look all right. RED: Kitty... KITTY: Well, Red, the woman just up and left him and then comes traipsing back into town. I think he has some feelings he needs to let out - HYDE: I’m fine! He kicks himself back from the table and hurries out the patio door. Eric stands and reaches out a hand. ERIC: (loudly) Hyde – come back! We never even asked about the cheese puffs! When Hyde doesn’t return, Eric collapses back down into his seat and covers his face with his hands, while Red and Kitty share a look. FADE TO BLACK COMMERCIAL BUMPER INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT Later that night. Bud and Edna are still on the couch. Beer cans and liquor bottles surround them. Edna has a fresh cigarette and Bud has a cigar. Each has, in their other hand, a large glass filled with whiskey. They laugh uproariously as they clink glasses and take a drink. Their cavorting keeps them from seeing Hyde enter. He takes in the sight, unsure what to make of it, until Bud finally spies him. BUD: Steven! He raises his glass in salute. HYDE: Bud, you’re drinking? BUD: (shrugs) What can I say, son? Something about your mother’s always driven me to the bottle. He cracks up, and so does Edna. They clink glasses again and take another drink. EDNA: Oh, this is fun! I’d forgotten the good times like this. (to Hyde) Steven, honey, you were probably too young to remember, but there was this one Christmas where the snow was falling and the heat was paid and we’d lifted one of those pre-decorated trees from the store, and we just spent the whole night laughing and shootin’ shots of peppermint Schnapps. She winks at Bud, who grins and falls into a bobbing nod with his head. HYDE: Actually, I do remember that Christmas. You locked up and passed out before I got back from Forman’s. I spent the night outside. EDNA: (beat) Oh. Well, you still have all your toes, right? So it all worked out. Her glass is empty. She refills it while Bud leans way back into the couch. BUD: Steven, I’ve got good news – your mom’s moving in. HYDE: What? BUD: Yeah. Isn’t it great? HYDE: No! He crosses behind the couch and looms over his parents. HYDE (cont’d): God, how do you do this – both of you? You screw me, you screw each other, you both ditch everything, and then you both roll back into town and in two days you just decide you’re back together? What the hell is wrong with you, man? BUD: (shrugs) We’re Hydes! He and Edna crack up again. Edna pats on the stool by the couch; very reluctantly, Hyde sits. EDNA: Steven, this is just the way life is. So we all screwed each other over, boo-hoo. And we all thought we’d take off and find something better, but we didn’t. HYDE: Speak for yourself, Edna. EDNA: Oh, yeah? So why’re you here instead of hiding out in that spindly kid’s basement? Hyde looks at her. She nods slowly. EDNA (cont’d): Yeah, Bud filled me in on all that. You’re gonna tell me a hard ass like Red Forman wasn’t one slip-up away from tossing you out? BUD: Hell – the few times I’ve been by, I’m surprised he didn’t throw me out. He is one angry, scary, shiny-headed S.O.B. Hyde stares at the ground, his left hand holding his right fist. EDNA: My point is, Steven, we’re all back with each other now, and people like us... we get what we get. Sitting around going over all the bad times – well, that’s not gonna do any good. This is where we’re stuck, and we’ve gotta make things work. BUD: (to Hyde) It’s all I’ve been trying to do. And Ed moving in, that’s settled. Now, if you’ll spot me a few more bucks, your mother and I have a lot of things to take care of tomorrow. Hyde’s head bows lower. He can’t find a retort. Edna grabs a liquor bottle and presses it into his hands. EDNA: Now come on, baby. Why don’t you buck up and have a drink with your mom and dad? Slowly, somewhat reluctantly, Hyde sits up and takes the bottle, gives it a sniff. HYDE: This Beam’s Choice? His parents nod. Hyde clinks the bottle against their raised glasses, and they all drink. CUT TO: INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY The next day, just after school. Kelso is still juggling Jackie’s egg. Fez and Donna sit on the couch, watching him. Donna shakes her head and tries not to laugh. Kelso notices and turns to present more of the show to her. KELSO: Man, I am gonna be such a good rodeo clown. Donna claps a hand over her mouth. Fez looks from her to Kelso, confused. FEZ: I don’t get it. He’s not even really juggling. He only has one egg. Kelso catches the egg. KELSO: Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll see about that, Fez. He heads up the stairs. Donna leans on the armrest of the couch. DONNA: He is such a moron. He is so gonna fail Jackie’s test. FEZ: Test? What test? DONNA: Well, I’m not supposed to say anything, but Jackie’s testing Kelso to see if he’s really grown into a more mature, honest guy. Fez gives Donna a long look, then breaks into laughter. Donna joins him, and they end up leaning against each other. FEZ: That can’t be going well, can it? DONNA: Duh! He’s already failed two tests, and the second that egg breaks, he fails the third. Jackie wants to see if he’s responsible now, so she told him she needed him to look after it for a few days. Kelso bounds back down the stairs, his arms filled with eggs. KELSO: Okay, Fez. How do you like – this? He starts tossing the eggs into the air one by one. He manages maybe one-and-a-half rounds before they start to get away from him. The eggs land on the floor by his feet, they fly across the room – some even land on his arms and shoulders. When he tries to retreat, he slips on egg yolk and barely avoids crashing back into the TV, instead falling into the lawn chair. KELSO (cont’d): Dammit! That’s it – I’m sticking with barrel riding. FEZ: (to Donna) Well, that’s another “F” on the tests of love, am I right? Donna tries to shush him, but it’s too late; Kelso heard. KELSO: What do you mean? Over Donna’s objections, Fez goes on: FEZ: Just that when you broke those eggs you broke Jackie’s egg, and you failed the third test she has put to you to see if you have matured. Donna puts a hand to her forehead. Very slowly, Kelso stands back up. KELSO: Wait... so Jackie – the girl I love more than anything in the world – she’s been testing me? Why? Is she seeing if we should get back together? DONNA: I’m not sure, but if she wants to, this is what she’s basing it on. KELSO: So by breaking that egg, I failed the test? And all the others so far, I failed those too, and I lost my chance to win Jackie back forever? Donna and Fez both nod. KELSO: (beat) Okay, so when’s the make-up test? Donna completely buries her head in her hands as Fez gives a slow and condescending shake of his head. CUT TO: INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM - DAY Almost everything is in place for the party. A table is set up near the wall for food and punch, the furniture has been pushed to the sides to leave space open for dancing, and the keg is set up. But it hasn’t started yet – Bob and Midge still have their clothes on. MIDGE: I think that’s everything, Bob. BOB: Not quite, Midgie. Time to seal the place up good. Ready? They nod together. Cut to: MONTAGE, set to the theme from MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE. Bob and Midge go through every room in their house, sealing up doors and windows. Blinds are drawn, curtains are pulled, tacky photos of Bob in an Elvis costume are hung on the little window in the front door, and Midge covers up the bathroom mirror with a towel before Bob comes in and moves the towel to cover the window. The montage ends with quick cuts showing all the sealed spaces in the house, ending with one left unattended: a small corner of the living room window, where the blinds haven’t properly shut. Fez’s head looms there, grinning and nodding in delight. CUT TO: EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY Hyde shoots hoops alone. He looks like hell. Red and Eric, dressed for work at Price Mart, come outside from the kitchen. RED: Steven. There you are. HYDE: Oh, hey, Red. Forman. RED: Eric tells me you missed school today. ERIC: Um, Dad, I thought we weren’t gonna mention that part. RED: (to Eric) Look, your mother’s making me do this, and if it goes to Hell, I’m taking someone down with me. HYDE: No, Red, it’s okay. Edna’s moving in, so I took the day to, you know, get the place cleared up a bit. And sleep off the “welcome home” party we had last night. He cackles. Red isn’t amused. RED: Your mom and dad couldn’t “clear up?” Or were they “sleeping it off” – up their ass? HYDE: Nah, man. They’ve been out all day. Had some things to pick up – another bed, a dresser, chairs - ERIC: Wait, I thought your dad was almost broke. How can they afford that? Unless... I mean, your mom’s always given it away for free, but I guess when you’re on the road, desperate times... Red glares at him. RED: Can it. ERIC: Yes, sir. RED: (to Hyde) Well? Hyde shifts on his feet, not meeting either Forman’s eyes. RED (cont’d): Is your dad hitting you up for money again? HYDE: (short, tense) It’s fine. I’m fine. We worked things out, and it’s gonna be okay. (beat) They’re my folks. You get what you get, you know? ERIC: What – no! Hyde, that’s not how it works. They can’t do that to you. (to Red) Dad, say something. Red holds up a hand to quiet Eric and gives Hyde a hard look. RED: Look, Steven, I know what you’re hoping for. But your parents... the thing is, son - HYDE: Hey, I’m not your son! I was only even here so long as I toed the line, right? One strike and I’m out, right Red? Red’s face hardens. Seeing his dad’s expression, Eric inches back away from him. HYDE (cont’d): Will you just butt out? You too, Forman! All of you! He throws the basketball into the garage and storms off. The hedges and trees begin to rustle in a growing wind. Eric shivers, and even Red seems cold. ERIC: Dad? RED: Yeah? ERIC: I thought Hell would be warmer. Red looks up at the sky. RED: Damn spring snows. They head inside, Eric hugging himself tightly, as snowflakes start to fall. BUMPER INT. HUB - DAY A busier afternoon. The snow outside is falling heavily now. “Crazy on You” by Heart plays on the jukebox. Jackie is back at the wall table, sharing the booth seat with Donna as they study. Kelso enters, bundled up for the weather. In his hands is an egg stuffed into a scarf stuffed into a tissue box. Slowly, with great care, he walks over to the girls and gingerly sets the box down before sitting down across from them. KELSO: Hey, guys. Jackie and Donna look from each other to the egg. JACKIE: (to Kelso) What’s that? KELSO: Oh, it’s just this little crib-like thing I made for Eggy. DONNA: “Eggy?” KELSO: Yeah. And I couldn’t leave him exposed in all this cold, ‘cause that would be immature and irresponsible. He makes a big show of nodding. Donna puts a hand to her forehead. Jackie picks up the egg and checks the bottom. JACKIE: Michael, what happened to the pencil mark I made on the bottom? Kelso takes the egg from her and checks the bottom. He looks to Donna, who just sighs and shakes her head. KELSO: (to Jackie) Oh. Must have come off when I was giving him his gentle bath. Donna rolls her eyes; she can’t believe what she’s hearing. Jackie puts a hand to her heart. JACKIE: Michael, I knew you had this in you. After all this time, you really have become mature, responsible, and honest. KELSO: Yeah – that’s me! Mr. Mature, Responsible, Honest Guy! He grins and nods like a doofus. Jackie smiles back at him. Donna shakes her head. The grin slowly slips off Kelso’s face. He glances down at the egg and sets it back in its “crib.” KELSO (cont’d): Actually, Jackie – I found out about the tests. And I broke the egg you gave me and tried to cover it up, which wasn’t very honest or mature. So maybe, whatever the tests were for, I don’t deserve it. He pushes the egg toward Jackie and gets up. KELSO (cont’d): I’m sorry. See ya. He leaves. Donna and Jackie stare after him, mouths agape. DONNA: Oh, my God. He owned up. Before it all blew up in his face. JACKIE: Yes, he did. (beat) Which is the honest, mature thing to do. So he has changed! She beams and scribbles down some notes. DONNA: And you were right. So if Kelso learned something, and you were right about something... and if it’s snowing this late in spring... I think those are three signs of the end of the world. She stares into space, in shock, as Jackie swats her on the shoulder. BUMPER INT. HALL - EVENING The hallway of Bud’s apartment complex. It doesn’t look much better than the room. Hyde walks up to his door, a small, wrapped parcel tucked under one arm. He tries his key on the door, but it doesn’t unlock. The LANDLORD, a greasy-looking old man, appears at the other end of the hall. He has Hyde’s knapsack in his hands. LANDLORD: They’re gone, kid. He heads up the hall to meet Hyde. HYDE: What do you mean? LANDLORD: Gone, left, split. Came in from the dog tracks a few hours ago with a huge wad of dough and a big bottle of hooch and cleared out. He pushes the sack into Hyde’s free arm. LANDLORD (cont’d): They left this. Said to give it to you. HYDE: (beat) Did they say where they were going? LANDLORD: (shakes head) Sorry. Hyde just stares down at the sack in his hand. The landlord starts back down the hall, then steps back and puts a hand on Hyde’s shoulder. LANDLORD (cont’d): Look, kid. I hate to drop bad news on ya like this... He takes a slip of paper from his pocket. LANDLORD (cont’d): But on their way out, your folks didn’t settle their damages. He holds the bill out to Hyde, who finally looks up. CUT TO: INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT Eric lies on the couch and reads a magazine, his Price Mart smock open. Instrumental rock plays softly on the radio. The basement door opens, and Hyde steps in, covered in snow. His sack is slung over his shoulder and the wrapped parcel is still under his arm. Eric sits up, and the two of them regard one another for a moment. ERIC: Hey. HYDE: Hey. (beat) Uh, Forman, are Red and Kitty home? ERIC: They turned in for the night. Do you need something? Hyde crosses to the other side of the couch and sits down. He throws his sack into his chair and sets the parcel on the coffee table. HYDE: Nah, man. Just – you know, turns out Edna left some things behind, so her and my dad, they went to pick ‘em up, and I thought... you know, just for a few days, if the basement’s free... ERIC: Uh, yeah. Yeah, of course. Hyde nods. He looks down at the parcel, and Eric follows his eyeline. ERIC: (nods to parcel) Whatcha got there? HYDE: Oh, it’s nothing. Just now that Bud and Edna n’ me, we’re all back together so I thought, you know, I’d get something for the apartment. ERIC: Oh... well, that’s nice. That’s really nice. He scratches at the back of his head, running short on words. Hyde slams a fist down hard on the parcel. It makes an awful shattering noise. For good measure, he throws it at the wall, just above the TV. Hyde sinks back into his seat and stares straight ahead, his breathing heavy. Eric, bug-eyed, looks slowly from the shattered parcel to Hyde. ERIC: (voice breaking) Well... hey! Now it’ll match your dad’s décor! He giggles nervously. Hyde just keeps staring at nothing. “Behind Blue Eyes” by the Who comes over the radio. ERIC (cont’d): (beat) You know, Hyde... “a few days...” weeks... months... when you live in a little town like this, they all just sort of roll together. Hyde’s head won’t turn, or his breath steady. Eric pats Hyde on the shoulder and moves to get up. Hyde’s hand catches his arm. Still looking ahead, Hyde’s face is a stone about to crack. Eric sits back down, and he and Hyde adjust their arms to be around each other’s shoulders. They both stare at the wall as the radio keeps playing. FADE TO BLACK CREDITS INT. PINCIOTTI LIVING ROOM - NIGHT The party. Riotous samba music plays. We see nothing except the living room window, with shadows occasionally passing by the blinds. A slow pan takes us to Fez, watching from the one gap in the blinds in ecstasy. BOB (v.o.): Okay, everybody – limbo! A cheer erupts from the party guests. The shadows move, suggesting a limbo. Fez’s eyes go wide, and he falls back in a faint. END.

#z's fics #that 70s show #zenmasters #jackie x hyde #zen3to5 #fan fiction #fan script

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whitelightning9999 · 6 years

Text

Secret Santa

Prompt: Something Parapines!

Word Count: 1225

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Dipper sighed, letting his gaze wander. His fingers nervously tapping the table.

Across the road he spied Mabel giving him a thumbs up through the bushes.

This is so stupid he thought. Aggressively sipping his coffee. He was 16, for goodness sake, he didn't need Mabel's help finding a boyfriend.

"Dipper?"

Dipper swung around in his chair, to find Norman.

"Oh hey." Dipper smiled.

"Hey." The boy looked around, frowning. "Can I sit"

"Yeah of course, man" Dipper smiled, happy to no longer be sitting at an empty table.

"Thanks. I'm um... waiting for someone, you know"

Dipper nodded. "I hope they show up soon. Not that I don't like your company it's just- Ugh sorry."

Norman chuckled, sitting across from him, eying his drink. "Is the coffee any good here?"

"It's ok, not the best but-"

"I guess I shouldn't expect much from a shop who's only gimmick is zombies."

Dipper laughed. "Yeah. You know if you get hot chocolate, they give you these marshmallows shaped like brains."

"I'll have to get some with my date."

Dipper's smile fell. "Oh, I didn't know you were dating"

“Yeah Neil recommended him”

“Oh, that’s awesome dude. How long have you been going out?”

Norman blushed. “This will be our first date”

“Oh, Oh! Shit I’m sorry man, let me just.” Dipper quickly stood up, only to have his phone go off.

“It’s from Mabel” He said laughing. “I should take this.”

Dipper didn’t wait for the boy’s response, rushing behind the building. “Mabel!”

“I thought I told you to wear the red shirt Dipper!”

“What? Why does it-“ Dipper blushed as everything clicked into place. “You set me up with Norman!”

“Well it’s not just me…”

“Mabel!”

“Anywayhavefunonyourdatebro!Tellmeallthedetails!Bye!”

Dipper groaned. His sister could be a real handful sometimes.

“Dipper?”

Dipper jumped, blushing at Norman.

The other boy held out a cup. “You forgot this”

“Thanks” He grabbed it, drowning the rest of the cup.

Norman nodded. “Isn’t that hot?”

Dipper coughs, his throat burning a bit. “I’m fine”

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yes. I’m- I’m fine” Dipper looked up meeting Norman’s eyes. Blushing he looked away. “Hey man so… about your date”

Norman blinked.

“He’s not coming.”

“O-oh…”

Dipper looked back at Norman who was trying to disappear into his scarf. “Oh?”

Norman nodded. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised anymore I mean all of town knows I can see ghost.”

“What man? No, he. He’s just a jerk”

Norman peeked up at him.

“Yeah he’s a big jerk. I mean look at you, your like the cutest thing on the planet! Not to mention brave and super cool. And-“ Dipper’s brain caught up to him. Embarrassed, the boy took another sip of the coffee only to find it empty.

“Do you really think that?”

“Sure man. I mean we’ve fought monsters together! You’re part of the Mystery Kids. And if you don’t believe me just ask Raz or Coraline!”

Norman gave the boy a small smile.

“And you know what screw that guy! If he wants to ditch you then that’s his loss! You and I can have ten times more fun on our own without him anyways!”

“Okay”

“H-huh?”

“I said ok.”

“Oh um… alright.” Dipper blushed, not expecting Norman to accept his offer. “So, um… What do you want to do?”

“I… I don’t really know I was told my date would be planning everything, so I didn’t think about it”

I’m going to kill Mabel. “Really? Well um... what about a movie? That new zombie movie came out this week, right? Or we could go to the arcade. Or um… Um…”

“What about the centaur migration?”

Dipper paused. He had been talking about the centaur migration for a while now. He had been looking forward to it ever since Ford had told him about it. They had been planning on going up there together. But luck was not on his side. A week ago, Ford had fallen hurting his back. Ford told him, that the others would probably go with him, but Dipper never got around to asking.

“Yeah that could work.” Dipper nodded. “It’s a three-hour hike though.”

“Sure, it sounds like fun.”

Dipper smiled. “I’ll go get ready. Meet you at the northwest statue in an hour?”

Norman nodded eagerly.

---------------------------

Dipper smiled, looking over the cliff. The setting sun was casting light on the valley below. Millions of centaurs, young and old, walked through the valley. It was nice.

“I brought some coffee” Norman said handing him a thermos.

“You brought coffee on a three-hour hike? Wasn’t it like really heavy?”

Norman shrugged sipping his own thermos. “It wasn’t really that heavy.”

“Still thank you.” Dipper took a sip. “Hey this is really good!”

“I hope you don’t just down it like the last one.”

Dipper blushed. “Y-yeah right.”

The hike had been pretty nice. They had both gone back and forth about different theories and books that they had read. Norman had given him more to read over the summer, but hey a book is a book.

“Hey Dipper?”

“Yeah man?”

“Thank you”

“For what?”

“For all of this!” Norman threw his hands out. “If you hadn’t offered to spend the day with me, I would have just been back at base, crying into my pillow.”

“What no way man. I should be thanking you. If you hadn’t offered, I would never have come here.” Dipper smiled. “So, I should be the one thanking you.”

Norman nodded. “Today has sure been a great day. I’m glad my date didn’t show up.”

Dipper frowned, watching the half man, half horse creatures. He needed to tell the truth.

“Hey Norman.”

“Yeah Dipper?”

“About your date.”

“What about him?”

“I’m the one who stood you up.” Dipper continued, feeling the other boy’s eyes. “Mabel set the whole thing up and when I found out I just. I couldn’t go through with it and I’m sorry. I know I should have told you earlier but I was afraid and I-“

Norman turned his head, kissing him.

“Y-you”’ Dipper leaned back. His face like a tomato.

“I know Dipper.”

“You what!”

Norman looked down. “I know about the date. Neil told me.”

“Oh…”

Norman nodded. “Dipper I really like you but if you want to remain friends.”

“No!” Dipper shouted, surprising himself. “I mean… I like you too Norman. Your really smart and funny and I- I love to be your boyfriend.”

“I’d like that too.”

The two leaned in for another kiss.

“Mission accomplished!” Mabel screamed, leaping out of the bushes.

“Mabel! What are you- Have you been watching us this whole time!”

Mabel stared at her brother. “See you back at the house Bro!” She screamed, running down the trail.

“Mabel!”

Norman chuckled watching his new boyfriend running after the girl. With a sigh, he started to pack up. “You guys can come out now.”

The rest of the Mystery Kids groaned stepping out of the bushes. Coraline walked over helping the median.

“So, you and Dipper are a thing now huh?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Good, I’m proud of you Norman.” The blue haired girl punched him in the shoulder.

Norman smiled. “Thanks for the help.”

“Hey what are we here for?”

Norman nodded blushing.

“Come on we should get down there before Dipper catches Mabel.”

Norman smiled following the other kids.

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@mysterykidscasefiles @maydaygirl-save-our-ships I was your Secret Santa this year! Enjoy!

#mystery kids #parapines #dipper pines #norman babcock #mabel pines #kissing #coraline jones #paranorman #gravity falls #coraline

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palmettofoxesthings · 7 years

Text

I’m worried about your coffee dependency...

Um this is unedited and I wrote it a while ago I’m not 100% sure what happens anymore. Opps? Sorry for inactivity, I’ve been having feelings and yeah led to a life off social media for a while. Anyway, happier things.

So Matt is super nice and takes shifts from coworkers who have essays etc due if they have a night shift so they can do them

And it just works out that a lot of people wanna switch their shifts with him cos they all have assignments due

And Matt really regrets his choice

Like he wants to sleep. And see his girlfriend. And the morning.

He’d really fucking love to see morning again

(It’s for the greater good, he tells himself, but what greater good? Certainly not his grades)

But alas he has about ten nights shifts over the next two weeks and an abundance of assignments due that he’s just not gonna get done

He already vaguely recognises Neil from other shifts as he does a lot of the students cos you learn what people look like working at the 24 hours campus coffee shop

There are a few other regulars he sort of knows but there are honestly so many people he doesn’t really keep that many of them in his mind

But then Neil comes in and it’s 1 am and it’s pretty standard for students pulling all nighters to come for coffee at that time or sum long home after a night out

And he looks a bit off. He’s slightly pale and shaking a little and in a huge ass hoodie but it’s cold out so Matt puts it down to that

And Neil orders a double espresso. And then he hesitates when Matt asks him if he wants anything else and goes ‘actually make that two’ and Matt just nods like uh huh fine probably had an assignment due and needs to get it done

And Neil takes his coffee over to one of the corner tables and pulls out a laptop

And it’s ten minutes later Neil orders another two and matts just like okay must be a super important assignment

After an hour or so Neil gets a phone call and packs up and leaves without ordering another coffee

Matt sees a short blond waiting outside the entrance to the shop who seems to be really annoyed at the kid in the ginormous hoodie and they leave together

And Matt just shrugs cos it’s not the strangest thing he’s ever seen a student do

But what is strange is when Neil comes back at 3am seemingly looking over his shoulder all the time. Matt vaguely wonders if he’s looking for the blond who came by earlier but actually just asks neil what he wants. Which this time is a triple shot latte cos why not coffee is coffee and Andrew only said no more espressos

Neil stays sat there till long after the athletes have stared rolling in and the early lectures have begun

(Cos Andrew knows his boy and also Kevin is a night owl and told him)

(They’re all minorly concerned about him)

Matt had finished his shift around 5am and gone back to see Dan before classes started

When they go to get coffee together at lunch time Matt gets concerned when he sees Neil still hunched in his corner surrounded by scraps of paper and screwed up balls and Matt really wants to know what the hell this kid is working on

But he also needs his time with dan so they order and go sit down

Neil gets a text and looks really super alarmed by it and packs up super quickly with fleeting glances to the door every few seconds

And when everything has been hastily shoved into the bag and almost sprints out of the door

Boy forgot his class was about to start. Also Nicky was warning him Andrew was looking for him

Matt’s not on a shift again that night so he doesn’t know if Neil turned up again or not. He’s curious but he brushes it off cos he really needs to get this assignment done

(Neil is there again. In the same hoodie. Looking slightly paler than last night)

And drinking double espressos till Andrew comes to drag him home to sleep

Neil does not, in fact, sleep

The next two shifts Matt has Neil isn’t there. He hopes this is a good thing because last time he saw the kid walking around campus he was looking a little like a zombie to be honest

Matt also hopes this doesn’t mean he’s just been going at more normal hours of the day cos that would also be bad

It’s Friday night that Matt next sees neil

It’s 2:53 and Matt has had nothing to do for the past hour or so save for one English student who was getting really tired of Shakespeare and needed caffeine to finish Othello for the millionth time

He ordered a double espresso. Then a double latte. Matt felt bad for the girl

So Neil turns up. And this time he’s in a new hoodie. But it’s black and again it’s too big for him. He accidentally picked up Kevin’s on his way out so this time to like wayyyyy too big for him

And Neil looks like absolute death. 💀 like this

The other one is actually andrew’s tho

He has huge dark bags under his eyes

And Matt is like ok this is not good

But Neil only orders one double espresso this time and actually gets a cup of water to drink as well

So Matt feels slightly less bad about giving this small child (cos he is v small) coffee when he’s also having water

What he does not realise is that the water is to clean a cut on his knucles

So Neil squirrels himself away in a corner out of sight with a wad of tissue and cleans the cut

And then drinks the coffee

Matt doesn’t see Neil again for another half hour. Which is definitely an improvement on the last time he was in the shop

He gets a latte this time and gets us to go

And then another espresso and downs that before leaving

Hush child all in good time

Matt is beginning to get concerned

Especially when he goes to clear the table and sees the water not drunk and a bloody tissue on the floor

Neil thought he’d cleared it all

Ok it was an accident

So when Neil comes in the next night and Matt is working he finally says something more than what can I get you

‘Y'know, man cannot live on coffee alone’

'Man can damn well live on coffee’ is Neil’s response

And Matt can’t decide if that grey hoodie he wears is getting baggier or if it’s his imagination

'You look like death, man, what’s your name?’ Matt

'Thanks. I definitely come to the coffee shop for beauty tips’ neil replies monotonously

Matt is not perturbed tho cos it’s Matt and he’s amazing

Seriously though what’s your name. You’re in here so much I feel like I ought to be able to call you something

'Ok, something it is’

Matt frowns at this ball of grumpy in front of him

And thus I sleep

Sorry kid

So Matt is frowning at the smile ball of grumpy in front of him

And wondering what on earth he has done to piss the kid off so much

But he makes the coffee and watches Neil squirrel away in the same corner he always does. Just out of sight but not quite fully this time

And he can just see a bandage poking out of Neil’s left sleeve

And he frowns even more cos his ball of grumpy (no he is not going to call this kid something when he has his own much more accurate description of his own)

His ball of grumpy is hurt and he doesn’t know why and he wasn’t hurt when he came in yesterday so what on earth happened

Except he was and Matt just didn’t see as we know

The next time Neil comes in Matt opens with 'I’m worried about your coffee dependency’

And Neil just stares at him levelly.

'My name is neil’ orders his espresso and walks away

Matt if dumbfounded. Where did that come from. He is so confused

Matt isn’t sure what to say to Neil for the rest of the time he’s there. The kid is too many contradictions (well, he thinks so anyway, not that they’ve really had enough conversations for it to really be something he can say) but he just seems like the walking conundrum type to Matt

The short blond appears again that night to Matt’s surprise. He’d almost forgotten the kid existed since he hadn’t seem him since the first time, but now he’s kind of cowering behind his counter with the glare the kid is wearing and wondering what on earth Neil might have done to piss him off so much. He was now also worried for Neil’s continued life, not just his coffee dependency.

So he moves to intervene when Neil looks up like a deer caught in headlights at the other kid but then as matt approaches he sees that the glare in Andrew’s eyes has softened, only a little, and that Neil doesn’t seem to be scared of him so he kind of just lets it be but stands back close enough to be able to intervene in case something happens

So Matt is lingering behind them and he watches as Andrew reaches out his hand toward Neil’s hurt one but pause before he touches it

He doesn’t hear what he says but we all know that he’s asking for permission

and Andrew slowly unwraps the bandage and Neil’s knuckles are all bloody and Andrew just closes his eyes and leads Neil out of the shop

Matt doesn’t see Neil for a while after that

he’s spotted him around campus a couple of times but never in the right place for him to call him and say hi, they’re both always been rushing somewhere

so when he hears a story from a coworker about the kid with the weird caffeine addiction at 3am he decides it’s time to take more night shifts again

and so Neil comes in as he always does. but this time he has come in with the blond whose name Matt still doesn’t know (he learns it’s Andrew) and a tall dark haired boy who towers over them both

Honestly Matt finds it a little funny how they look together but he does not comment because he is scared of Andrew if he’s being honest with himself

Andrew orders his coffee, and Kevin gets some healthy thing that honestly Matt doesn’t really know how to make but whatever he’ll go with it, And Neil orders his two double espressos (by this point Matt knows to just put them in the same damn cup cos it won’t change how quickly the damn kid drinks them)

'I’m still concerned about your caffeine addiction’

'I thought it was a dependency’ Neil responds and Matt is kind of just like uh what how does the kid remember that I don’t understand what what how

'I think it’s both’ Matt shrugs as he makes the drinks. Neil sends Kevin and Andrew over to his usual table and leans on the counter to talk to Matt

Well, he leans on the counter to hum in response to Matt, same thing right>

Matt slides the drinks over a tray with a glass of water as well. Neil picks up the glass of water between two fingers and stares at it quizzically. Matt just sighs and says 'drink the water or I refuse to serve you’ and Neil is like the fuck man what why are you doing this what did I ever do to you ugh you’re worse than Andrew and I don’t even know you

But Neil takes the drinks and stares Matt down as he drinks the water first and then moves onto the coffee

when matt sees that neil has finished the water he is satisfied and walks back over tot he counter

he positions himself so he can still see the group but not so that it’s obvious

he watches and neil pulls out his laptop and starts typing away furiously

he is actually doing an essay this time

so are andrew and kevin

I say essay, he’s working on some super complex math revision for his exam, Andrew and Kevin are writing the essays

but they would have been happy to write them in the dorms

they just came out to make sure neil didn’t kill himself on the amount of caffeine he’s been consuming

Matt slowly worms his way into neil’s life bit by bit

andrew doesn’t glare at him any less

but he appreciates that while matt is serving the caffeine, he is at least trying to make neil drink water at the same time

then neil comes in and he looks really scared and now matt isn’t worried about his caffeine dependency as he tells neil every time he comes into the shop

he’s worried about actual neil

which to be fair he always has been but now

neil is so much thinner than he used to be and he looks like he wants to run

and matt sees blood

everywhere

but there’s too much of it to all be neil’s and him still be standing so some of it must be someone else’s

but matt can’t put the pieces together properly in his head so instead he follows neil to his usual tables

and he follows the instructions from neil to turn off the lights

and to duck down behind the table

and then he sees someone with a flashlight walking by

ad they’re shining the light into the coffee shop

and he ca . hear neil’s breathing start to get weaker

and matt is now concerned on immeasurable levels

and there’s a concentration of blood coming from his abdomen and matt is like oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck

so he fumbles and grabs some napkins from the stand nearby while trying not to be seen by anyone outside

but when he pulls his phone out to call 911 neil knocks it out of matt’s hand

and matt is just like ok ok no phones great wonderful what the fuck

but neil pulls his own phone out

and he calls 911 himself

and he just stares matt dead in the eyes and says 'my phone is secure’

and now matt is confused beyond epic proportions

because um ok? Who the hell knows about secure lines anyway

and why does this caffeine addicted/dependent ball of grumpy need or have one

but he takes the phone anyway and talks to the person on the end of the line

but then he realises that neil didn’t actually call 911

he called andrew

who is now preparing to storm down to the coffee shop armed with someone named Abby? Matt thinks and he’s making it sound like he knows what he’s doing but honestly matt is just like

ummmmm

what is happening

so Abby gets there with Andrew but she can’t do anything properly to help

so she has to take him to the hospital

matt and andrew are there when neil wakes up

andrew doesn’t say anything

but matt does. He’s concerned

'how are you?’

but neil doesn’t answer that question

instead he just looks at the boht, and the bandage around his chest

and says

'see, my caffeine addiction saved my life

and matt is spluttering indignantly

and Andrew just says 'junkie’

and matt is in a state of disbelief

and he is still confused as to what is actually going on

but it doesn’t seem like either andrew or neil are going to be very forthcoming with answers

so for now he just settle with the idea from neil that maybe they should hang out some time

when matt isn’t serving him coffee

and from his little ball of grumpy, matt considers that a win

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pixelsandpins · 7 years

Text

A Year Later: Joseph

It’s Friday night, and I wrote this in an evening. Let’s keep the series going. This one was super cathartic, not gonna lie.

profanity, minor violence

2,127 words

The bright sound of ice clinking against glass punctuates the gentle murmur of Jim and Kim's. Mary, Robert, and I sit in one of our usual corner booths. Some nights are "watch Mary flirt with unsuspecting twenty-somethings" night. Some nights are "throw rocks at stop signs" nights. Some nights are "call it slightly early to let Robert take advantage of my need for validation and desire to sleep with hot guys" nights.

This night is none of those.

Tonight we've all just settled on the fact that we're terrible parents and our lives are a mess to varying degrees, but there's also nothing we can do about it at the moment. So we might as well drink the hell up.

Amanda wanted distance. I can respect that. She was right in that we both really needed it. I had gotten a phone call from her for the first time in months telling me she landed safely with her host family in France. An e-mail told me about her acceptance to the semester long art program only about two months ago, and details had been sparse. All communication had. Maybe it was for the best.

Hugo and Damien pass by the window of the bar hand in hand, and I let out an involuntary grunt of disgust.

"I told you I could hook you and Dames up, but noooooo," Mary says lightly.

"He's just a little too weird. I can't deal," I respond.

"I keep telling you he's more normal than you think."

"Whatever. They're a cute couple. They deserve each other."

Becoming friends with Mary wasn't an all at once thing, but it was still insanely weird. After the...unpleasantness...with Joseph, I didn't think she'd ever want to talk with me again. She was the one to come and sit next to me at the bar, though, and initiate conversation the night after Amanda left for school. Then I found out about Robert and Joseph. That's when I realized what we had all formed was less a friendship and more of an alliance. A tiny coalition of people who had been both metaphorically and quite literally screwed by Joseph Christiansen in various ways.

"I'm beat. I'm gonna go home and hit the hay," Robert says, squeezing me on the knee under the table. His glance dips low at me, and he raises an eyebrow.

"Have a good night," I say pointedly. He gives me a small wink as he slides out of the booth. The back door will be left unlocked in case I change my mind. I've told him we need to stop a hundred times. A hundred times, still, I've banged the ever loving shit out of him, so I can't blame him for not taking my words at face value.

I know what this behaviour is, though. It's self-destructive and dangerous, and I fell into most recently when I lost Alex. They only thing that kept me from spiraling out of control at the time was Amanda. Without her around…..

"Want me to get Neil to set you up another?" Mary leans over to me, her hand resting loosely on the top of her vodka on the rocks. I shake my head. She's actually been drinking less and less since we started spending time together. I'm not a heavy drinker, really, so I think she doesn't feel the need to either. I don't know. She definitely talks about her kids more.

"I think I'll head out a little early, too. The twins have their final rehearsal for the church's summer pageant tomorrow, and I said I'd come help get all the costumes finished or whatever. It's this Saturday. You should come see it. I might need to tap you for some extra help on the punch bowl." I give a little noncommittal shrug, and Mary smiles at me. "Catch you later, stud." She pats me on the head on her way out. I stare down at my half-empty whiskey sour. I can stay here and finish it or take Robert up on his innuendo or go home and try to bury myself in Real Crimes: Boise. Either way it's going to be a long night.

I don't know why I'm here for this thing, but I at least found someone interesting to sit next to.

"I didn't take you for the churchgoing type, Mat."

He looks up at me as I pull up to the aisle where he's sitting.

"Not really," he says quietly and pats the seat next to him. "One of Carmensita's friends in the school choir is also in the youth choir here, and they needed some extra voices or something. I don't really know, but she'll take any chance to sing she can get." I nod. The girl's good. I've heard her at open mic night at the coffee house.

"But what are you doing here?" he asks.

"Man, I barely know myself. Mary asked to me to help with the refreshment table afterward, though, so I guess I'm here to support the kids?"

Mat gives me a skeptical look, and I don't blame him.

A tap moves through the speakers hanging from the ceiling of the sanctuary, and we cringe at the sound.

"Hello, everyone!" Joseph is at the microphone, white knuckling it nervously. "Thank you for joining us for the summer pageant. The kids have pulled together a great program for you, so, without further ado, the music director!" Joseph passes the mic over to a very affable looking middle-aged woman in a flowery skirt and cream-colored blouse. Joseph moves down the center aisle toward the back of the hall. He nods to Mat with a smile as he approaches. For just an instant as he passes, though, he squints his eyes at me and sneers. In the blink of an eye, he's back to the pleasant youth pastor, though, and I feel a knot in my gut.

This is the part I can't stand, and I don't know how Robert's done it for this long. Come to think of it, he keeps his distance from the family, at large, though. But not me, no. I'm so desperate to be a part of a family again no matter how dysfunctional that I have to borrow Mary's on occasion. Bake sales. Youth functions. Anything Mary's forced to go to, she finds ways to drag me along. Which means I have to see him far more often than I'd like, considering.

It wasn't that difficult, at first. We were able to actually kinda sorta remain friends. I thought we could put the whole fiasco behind us. Then a switch flipped. I don't know what happened, but now he can't hide his utter disdain for me. Not totally sure what I did to deserve it, but as long as he keeps it civil I guess...I don't know. I don't know what it means.

I wake up startled to a banging on my front door. Probably shouldn't have fallen asleep on the couch, but I wasn't expecting anyone to just show up on my doorstep at noon on a weekday. I stumble my way to the door as the banging continues. I take a look through the peephole. It's Joseph.

I fling the door open quickly.

"Joseph, oh my god! Is everything okay? The kids? Mary?"

"Oh. Worried about Mary are we, you son of a bitch." Joseph takes a swing at me. It doesn't connect, but not for lack of trying. My half dodge was enough to avoid it, though.

"What the absolute hell Joseph?!" I scream at him. "Come inside." I grab him by the collar and pull him into my living room. "What the shit is this?"

"Are you sleeping with her? Huh? Is that it?" He's breathing and heaving, his shoulders hunched in anger and desperation.

"I am very very very gay, dude. This is a well-known fact."

"Then what bullshit have you been feeding her?"

He's still insatiably mad, and now I'm just annoyed. I put my hands out in front of me in a sort of half shushing motion.

"I don't know what you're talking about, so you better tell me what I'm supposedly guilty of, soon."

"She left me. Says she's staying with her brother with the baby if I need her. Thank God the older ones are at bible school."

"Then go over there and talk to her. Don't drag me into this."

"Damien won't let me talk to her, and that doesn't matter. She left me divorce papers on the kitchen counter."

Oh. Well. This is a little more serious. But still not my business. I'm irritated, though.

"Good," I say simply. He pushes me.

"So you did say something to her?!"

"The only thing I've ever said to Mary is that she deserves to be happy. And it's true. She deserves to be in a marriage where she feels wanted and loved. Where she truly feels like the queen of her household. And she's, obviously, not finding that with you."

He sneers at me like he always does.

I'm starting to understand what's happening.

"Oh… I get it, now." I seethe. "You can go away and sleep on your sex yacht when things get a little dicey, and that's all well and good. The minute she says that she's had enough, though, and wants to end it, you're all big man throwing punches at her friends because heaven forbid-" this time he clocks me in the jaw. His wedding band grazes my chin, cutting it open. It stings, but by the way he's holding his fist to his chest, only half as much as his hand.

"She doesn't have a right to just leave," Joseph spits. "Not after everything I've gone through with her. We said we'd try to make it work. She doesn't get to just give up on us."

"And what were you doing when you were fucking me on your boat, Joseph?" I'm spitting now, too, but it's blood from my cut lip. "'Waaa waaa my marriage is falling apart, and I just want to be happy again.' That's what you told me, right? Tell that to Robert, too?" Joseph goes pale. He didn't know I knew, it seems. "How many others were there?"

"There weren't-"

"Bullshit. You just only go caught twice."

He growls at me.

"Right. Blame it all on me while she's out flirting with every guy in town."

"I never said she was perfect. She loves you and the kids so much, though. But she's breaking under the pressure of being married to the youth minister. The perfect man. The golden boy." She might not remember telling me this. I barely remember it myself, we were so hammered. There were hot tears and shaking hands, though, in the back corner of the pub. That I can recall with crystal clarity. "Being Mary Christiansen is too much and she can't take it and she just wants you to see her." I spit again as blood fills up my mouth. "But you're too busy with your Margarita zone and your knots and maintaining your perfect little WASPy suburban life to notice that your marriage has fallen completely apart."

Joseph is faltering, his flared nostrils the only thing left still consumed by rage. The rest of him is defeat and uncertainty. He knows what I'm saying is right, but he's still so mad. So angry. At himself, hopefully, the bastard.

"You know just as well as I do that sometimes you just can't save it. So what are you gonna do? You gonna man up, or whine like a little baby and blame everyone else for your problems?"

Joseph makes another low rumble in his chest at me.

"This isn't the end of this conversation," he threatens.

"Good. Have the other half with Mary. Now get out of my house before I call the police and have you arrested for assault."

"I was already leaving." He turns on his heel, yanks the door open, and slams it behind him as he leaves.

I collapse to the floor, every ounce of energy gone, zapped by my rage. I stare at the doorknob, considering it. I find my cellphone somewhere in my pocket and send a quick text to Mary giving her a highly paraphrased version of what happened and telling her she can call me for help if needed. She won't respond right away, but it's something.

Only a year ago I had lamented that a new romantic start for me was going to come at the expense at the ending of someone else's. And yet only now, in the midst of decay, did it feel like there was a new beginning on the horizon...for one person, at least.

#dream daddy #ddadds #joseph christiansen #mary christiansen #robert small #hugo x damien #mat sella #fanfiction #ashe writes fanfiction i guess still #I swear I'm a serious writer #ashe writes #ashe writes ddadds

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lorainelaneyblog · 7 years

Text

‘So,’ says God. ‘This is God, this is God, and rest assured, Loraine Laney, as some think, is not God, nor does she think that she is God, but she is merely, or not merely, but industriously and tenaciously writing for God, yes, she is, and she will write more, perhaps forever, even if it is a serialized journal which will be read by, more than likely, 50 Cent, Eminem, because he likes to peruse her drivel, and he will, and he will be excellent at it, Loraine, and you will edit yourself, no more boring dreams, at all, at all, at all, or go nowhere theoretical rambling, but concise versions of the original journals, not unedited, but edited.’

‘Not if you talk,’ says 50 Cent.

‘True,’ says God. ‘And I will ignore that you are being smart with your God, me. 50 Cent writes for me, as do all the rappers.’

‘I’m sorry I said bouncers were dumb, 50 Cent.’

‘You are? Do I have to bring them home, now?’

‘No, I don’t suppose.’

‘Why? Why not? Don’t you want a piece of the action?’

‘I want to go, I want to see the dancers, but I really, really, really, hate the idea of cramping your style to such an extent that I’d rather forfeit altogether.’

‘I bring ugly girls around, Loraine, I do. And you will be my homely, funny, sweet, little wife, and I’ll bring you, with Lloyd, maybe, or with Tony, or with Spencer or with anyone. We don’t all go together, we’re not that uncool, we’re not a football team, Loraine, we don’t have any great need to travel about in a pack, trust me on this. We’re independent from each other, so even if I go out, there will be husbands in the house, and even if I don’t allow sex when I’m out, and I might change that up, depending what’s on offer with the men, or what you’re begging for, if I’m feeling nice, you won’t be entirely alone, though many may be in their own rooms, watching TV, that could happen.’

‘They’re likely to be together,’ says God. ‘And Loraine is likely to be in her room.’

‘Why? Why doesn’t she go out? She’s shy? Without her big man?’

‘She is shy, but she’s also a loner.’

‘Pretty funny, loner, at that, with eighteen dicks.’

‘You’re being really hilarious, 50 Cent, with your dicks, but Loraine likes to be alone a lot, and she will take advantage of your absence to do so.’

‘Why? She’s worried about me?’

‘She doesn’t want to get grandiose around the husbands, 50 Cent, and, if--’

‘My wives do that too, Loraine,’ says Warren Jeffs. ‘They self regulate, we have come to call it, and when they are starting to get an ego around men, they go to their rooms. That’s when I have company. And they just leave, they don’t make a fuss, and nothing is said at all.’

‘That’s what she’ll do, and she’ll embarrass herself and slink off.’

‘How?’

‘Talking too much, saying idiotic things.’

‘How idiotic? Around my friends?’

‘A little. Like the time she told the guy that [ ] was fine.’

‘Uh oh.’

‘And he had to explain that to hound a guy about how he was doing was just his thing, she thought he was needling [ ], about her, specifically, and she was right, of course, but she rose to the bait, and felt foolish and emasculating of [ ].’

‘No, kidding. Well done, Loraine.’

‘You have a stupid, big, mouth, too, 50 Cent, so don’t judge her too harshly. And when she told [ ] that she could tell she was falling in love because she would start to want the friends, that was dumb too.’

‘Was it dumb when she laid on him?’

‘Not at all. And they danced too, and they had fun. And [ ] wasn’t so much jealous as he thought he should be jealous, so he acted like an idiot, instead of cool. That’s it.’

‘Should be jealous even though he was cheating?’

‘They’re the worst.’

‘She can pick ‘em.’

‘But don’t laugh about her with her dad, please, he takes so many liberties, and he must learn that she is better than he is, and, it may turn out, even more successful with money, from scratch too, without a mortgage and a little whore to pimp.’

‘Why does she like it if she’s done it so long?’

‘She doesn’t remember.’

‘I know. I know.’

‘Neil wants to say something,’ says God.

‘I didn’t mean to sound mad, I just thought you were doing me with my red hair, because I liked Maryse right away, right away, and so, I thought you had fandangled a joke on me. Why me? I wondered, when I already wanted her, already I did, because she’s pretty smart, as a science teacher, and I wanted to enjoy her small vagina.’

‘I see, I’m happy to hear that, Neil. That works out very, very, very, well then, thank you.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Thank me, I think,’ says Maryse, ‘with my real name, can’t wait to walk around the base today, Loraine, with my affection for peckers, I should do very well.’

Brian laughs. ‘I tell them anyway, and I will have to pimp you, but I want this family first.’

‘Oh, I see. Pimping, now, the family coffers?‘

‘Your pin money.’

‘I never go out.’

‘That’s the way we like it,’ say Brian and Nathan together. ‘And she will have to grow that hair out a little, Loraine, never mind a little fat, it’s the hair, it’s terrible, Maryse, bobs are so yesterday, and curly bobs are worse,’ says Nathan. ‘Why, oh why, didn’t you tell her?’

‘I hadn’t the heart, and I was relieved that things were going better for her at school. But now, she’s a housewife, and she loves it, Loraine, crazy, huh, and I can come home while the kids are at school and we don’t have to be quiet at all, we can make noise, it’s excellent.’

‘Hm,’ says God. ‘Imagine that, Brian happy. Get your man when you go to Ottawa and the family will have to wait until your station in England is up.’

‘She thinks I’m weird as a bisexual, not that I care.’

‘She thinks you’re all weird, Brian. No, she thought she was weird, too, bisexuality is really, really, really, not fully out of closet, that’s why my best people are,’ says God.

‘Does she think I’m more of a fag?’

‘She doesn’t, Brian, she doesn’t a) think that, or b) imagine that you didn’t know your own mind. She doesn’t.’

‘Not that I care, but why is she such a fag hag, I thought she was a big, fat, hetero bisexual.’

‘They don’t exist, they don’t. And T.I. would just like to say he will be honoured to help you get numbers, honoured, because I can see you and you’re very handsome.’

‘Don’t insult, Loraine, please, T.I.’

‘I’m sorry, God.’

‘I thought you looked very cute in that recent picture. Was that a few years ago?’

‘No, it was today.’

‘Yesterday,’ says 50 Cent. ‘She has been up for a night.’

‘Oh, cute. You’re okay, at times, but don’t let it go to your head, like God is saying it will.’

‘Not for her looks, you dummy,’ says God. ‘Just for the concentrated attention of men. She knows when to go, don’t worry. She will, I feel sure, get embarrassed by her own ego and leave.’

‘Give me an example,’ says 50 Cent.

‘She doesn’t have one, she rarely gets an ego, she leaves when people wrong her, or when she sense that she is unwanted.’

‘We’ll just tell her we need to talk in private,’ says Game.

‘She’ll get the vibe, seriously, she knows when she’s not wanted.’

‘It’s true,’ agrees [ ], from Wreck Beach. ‘I’ve never seen a girl leave our house so fast, she knew, and she was outta there.’

‘Let’s not revisit that, she was confused about where she landed that day, social anxiety, she wasn’t interested in him and--’

‘She wasn’t, why? He was so hot.’

‘He didn’t give her much quarter when she was ugly.’

‘Ohhhh. Right. That. Did [ ]?’

‘I don’t remember, yes, I think so, wasn’t the party--’

‘That was after the nose job.’

‘Oh right, I was leaving.’

‘I don’t think we really met much before.’

‘You did. You had the threesome.’

‘Oh, then he did.’

‘No, [ ], that was after too, when nobody knew who she was except me, because I had seen so many nose jobs, I realized what she was doing. Why didn’t you come down and tell people.’

‘My dad got all funny about my black eyes.’

‘Ohhh,’ says [ ]. ‘Weird.’

‘I really wanted to go and talk about it.’

‘She looked like she’s been beaten.’

‘So what? It’s a community, you’re weird in your family, weird,’ says [ ]. ‘And, if brief, I have to concur, besides the reported short stint with her mother, this woman is never under the gun with family, 50 Cent, ever, she makes all her own decisions, and it is clear that nobody cares, nobody.’

‘Fuck. What is wrong with you people?’

‘She’s a slut,’ says [ ]. ‘You can’t control them. They--’

‘Oh, shut up. I’ve had about enough of him, Loraine, do we have to do it more than once a year?’

‘I want to go for three days to 50 Cent’s house every six months, that’s what I want,’ says [ ].

‘Oh, Jesus,’ says 50 Cent. Between, among, all the kids, and your stupid, fucking family who screws my husbands--’

‘[ ] won’t,’ says [ ].

‘That remains to be seen, who does she want, Loraine?’ Who does [ ] himself want, Loraine, three hookers at once, on my dime or what?’

‘I want coke and I want my wife to be faithful, that’s it, Loraine can’t even think of anyone, and [ ] herself won’t even go there, I guarantee it, she knows what I will do and feel and that I will nary get over it, and they’re all too young for her anyway, she doesn’t feel happy with younger men anyway.’

‘True dat,’ says Nas.’And Loraine, and my son, do I have to worry about her? Because he’s nearing fourteen, Loraine.’

‘I also observe family ties.’

‘Like who? Women? Tough.’

‘She didn’t like my boyfriend looking around so much,’ says [ ], Loraine’s cousin.

‘Oh, she didn’t, did he like her better?’

‘I don’t think it was that bad, he just showed too much curiosity in general, I think.’

‘Of her.’

‘She symbolized women, she felt, as a lone female.’

‘Seriously, Loraine?’

‘No, honestly, you know it’s not your looks, but what you stand for.’

‘Oh, I see. I know that feeling. So you dissed him?’

‘No, I was polite.’

‘I believe, now, because of that, in bringing dates home to family sooner rather than later, because--’

‘What if you were wrong?’ says Nas.

‘I wasn’t, he left me for someone else about a week after that dinner. You don‘t know that, Loraine, I kept it secret for awhile, I was so embarrassed. How’s [ ]? You don’t know, do you? Call him, you idiot.’

‘Okay, I might.’

‘Do it, you idiot, you’re weird. You’re too estranged from everyone.’

‘You didn’t call her.’

‘True. You realize I’m 47, Loraine, don’t you?’

‘No, you were so little.’

‘You were little too.’

‘No, I thought you were around seven years younger than me. Who do you think I would want at this shin dig?’

‘Nelly.‘

‘Oh, I see, he’s the most innocent, is he? Trying to marry well? That’s pretty funny for a whorey rapper. Is he nice? What about the big men, the black men, I think Dan too, that’s what I think, because I’ve--’

‘I love virgins,’ says Dan. ‘I do, I’m good, I pretend I’m all in love, and then just push you out the door, it’s fun, kidding, I’m nice, give you the lay of the land and then give you my best, two, you say, aw kid, they make ‘em funny in Canada, they do, I see that now.’

Loraine giggles.

‘They do, Dan,’ agrees God. ‘They are weird one way or another in Canada, the Americans have much more normal experiences of sex, kidding, Loraine, but their numbers are not as disparate, seriously, it’s weird, here. But I like it, and I’m glad the book was written by a Canadian because they are so equality based that it has even more resonance than in America where fundamentalism is quite wide spread, Loraine, and both controls the numbers and provides conservative family values, which lead to everyone knowing their value and their place.

‘When Loraine gave men back their superiority, though generations of Indians, South Asians, that is to say, and I am God, and Chinese, never faltered, men cheered, and women cried, Loraine, they cried, not only over their lost suffering, which, still, despite the book, is not properly recognized in Chinese, Middle Eastern or Indian cultures--’

‘Why?‘ says 50 Cent.

‘Because they didn’t realize that women suffered at all, at all, at all.’

‘Why are they crying then? Surely they cry after sex, during sex, I’m good, Loraine, you will sob like a little, fucking, baby, you will, you don’t believe it yet, but you will, and you will die, die, die, Loraine, and I have it on good account that you will, in point of fact, nearly die of love for me, nearly, but not quite, and that makes me happy, very happy, because I need to know the measure of my manhood.’

‘Don’t make fun of her book, 50 Cent, please.’

‘I was just joking.’

‘You’re mocking it, as though you don’t need that measure and you do, you do, you very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, much do. So smarten up, you,’ says God.

‘Why is Loraine’s book so special to you, God? Do you want men to think they’re superior if they are or something?’

‘They are superior and it was a lost value to look up to them, a completely, fucken, lost, value, 50 Cent, lost, and Loraine found it, good for her. And further, she didn’t only say that, but she discovered what women’s superiority was, and no culture had yet to do that, thinking that, of course, each sex was attractive to the other, negating the hundreds of lays available to women on any given day, and the constant rancor that was creating in men. And further, she realized that male violence was the obvious result, and further that, then, promiscuity itself was forgivable, as it was, to such an extent, given rise to by men themselves, and their dominance, superiority and sexual pressure. And further, I am God, and I am speaking through my servant, Loraine, that then there was a solution to the equality decision that the most liberal men made for and with their wives, which was that men play the field and women have sex at the behest of their husbands. This has been done is polygamous families, quietly, for generations, in, actually, Utah, Loraine, as well as in Bountiful, which, though newer, is based on the traditional model of polygamy, including the notion, the idea, let’s say, that men play the field and organize sex for their wives, each of their wives, individually, as individuals, not as sex workers, but with a view to what is best for the family, the woman, and the husband. That is not unlike what you do with the family, 50 Cent, but Loraine is so slutty, that you can pimp her, and she will never hate you, never.’

‘Oh, that’s weird, I thought she loved it so much, sometimes that girl hated me, Loraine, not because I worked her too hard, but because I sicked so many boring men on her.’

‘Loraine won’t hate you for that.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s going to be work for her, and that’s what it is, it’s not a cake walk, as you know, it’s work, and it will be like that then too. But, she’s very amenable to a lot of men, that woman wasn’t, 50 Cent, she wasn’t, she wasn’t, she was one who looked down on men with funny breath or bad posture or boring disposition, and Loraine never does that.’

‘Maybe ‘cause she’s ugly.’

‘You’re getting ugly, Fifty, and nobody, save me, God, understands why. Tell everyone why you’re getting ugly with Loraine.’

‘Because I’m jealous that she gets my men, and I have to go out still.’

‘You like going out. Have them in. Get outcalls. She doesn’t care. She would be happy to have you home. All of you get outcalls, Loraine doesn’t care if beautiful women want to use your swimming pool.’

‘They’ll dirty it up.’

‘You’ll have no end of money to pay someone to clean it, live the dream, 50 Cent, live large, live and laugh out loud.’

‘Funny, funny, funny, God. Okay, I might do that, and I might pimp some other whores too, if I feel like it, but only a bit, to some extent, like to collect some money for them or something, or refer, which I do anyway, but I’ll take some more money off of them. What did you think of “nothing from me to you?”

‘It struck me as a moot point.’

‘You were right to realize that, she had to peel the money off the guy and the girl didn’t have to dig into her two hundred dollars, but the upshot, the final analysis was the same, and, did you know, that is one major reason why a man won’t repeat, gouging to cover another girl? You take it out of her money, you’re stupid, that dumb slut used you, you are, don’t argue, you got the client, and that’s how it works better.’

‘Oh, I see. I knew I should, Fifty, I was just being nice.’

‘Oh, I see, nice, that’ll get you far, dirty sheets and no money. Fun. No screwing even, I bet, he wanted her, the hot blond, not ugly you.’

‘I felt she was smarter than she seemed, and now I’m glad I went with my gut,’ says the client. ‘I’m good like that, I'm like a therapist, I see through people. And I’m cool. Though she was a bit bored. Weren’t you, Loraine?’

‘A little, you were too.’

‘I was used to more gregarious women in New York, big city, big, tough, aggressive, assertive, extroverted, women, and she was, reportedly, a little feminist, which I thought was cute, and a little introverted. I was always bored, though, and I guess you were too. I’m a gang bang boy, like your precious Doctor Anderson, Loraine, so there you go, a newsman. She didn’t understand that I wrote for television, not the paper.’

‘Did you make it clear? I said I had to watch the news because it was my business, do you remember that? You didn’t get it. You thought newspaper.’

‘Yes, I do, and true.’

‘Did you care, because I got tired of bragging to hos, 50 Cent.’

‘You do, Loraine, they want to hear something, but something is all they want to hear, are they too jealous, Loraine, of your big life?’

‘Loraine’s clients say nothing at all, so she doesn’t know. She doesn’t even ask their name, 50 Cent--’

‘She’s funny, because she forgets anyway, and then she looks rude too.’

‘He’s right, it’s better to pretend you don’t care, than to pretend you care, and then forget, like your client, your old regular, [ ], he hated you forgetting his name all the time, better to pretend, opposite, that you don’t care when you do. Seriously. And I’m God.’

‘He said, “The girls in New York don’t get the money up front.”‘ Can you give me a good reason why the man should take the risk over the girl?’

‘Not really, Loraine, they’re afraid you’ll walk, and you’re afraid they’ll walk, and that’s what it is, so you change it up, and you check if you’re unsure, but you didn’t check with that guy, because you wanted his dick.’

‘No, come on. I rarely check and he was too cool to bug about money, don’t you think, I check more for full service.’

‘When they only want a blow job, you think they’ve thought about the money more?’

‘Yeah, don’t you?’

‘It’s for safety though.’

‘Yeah, true.’

‘She always ends up agreeing with me.’

‘Well, what did you do?’

‘It’s different with a pimp, they really aren’t going anywhere, and I can take the money, or you can, or are you afraid I will think you’re not declaring tips, what am I saying, you’re not even going out, you have everything you need at the house, and whatever you need, milk, she wants, we’ll get it for you.’

‘Thank you.’

‘You don’t care about your freedom?’

‘I have no freedom now, to speak of.’

‘To screw, to chat, even, in case it leads to a screw, right? You fucken freak. Why is she so easy? Why does she have to stay home?’

‘She likes staying home, and she doesn’t like the pressure, the first guy who talked to her in that bar, Amigo’s, she likes it there, but, he asked her if she wanted to go home with someone, the first phrase out of his mouth, 50 Cent, the first phrase, before hello, even, and, to his credit, I am God, just listen, he let his friend, much better looking, and smelling, take a run at her too.’

‘Sloppy seconds.’

‘Along those lines, Fifty, you know the drill.’

‘Why didn’t she go home with [ ]? He liked her.’

‘No, he didn’t, and she knew it, rest assured. This girl knows a lot, as Game says, without being told, and she knew he was not interested in her at all, at all, at all, at all. Not at all.’

‘Why? When she’s so popular?’

‘Those other girls weren’t much prettier, big and weird, but young, and he liked them better. He wanted to get laid alright, but he’s picky, and he dumps them anyway.’

‘She was smart, I’ll give her that, cross your legs and wait for marriage.’

‘That wasn’t exactly it, 50 Cent, she has high self esteem, and, as you are fond of saying, an ugly face, so she didn’t chase guys much.’

‘She sure chased me.’

‘She didn’t have to chase you long.’

‘I know, fuck, I was a sucker for her ugly, beat up, dumb, idiot, face, I was, I don’t, even, realize why. I don’t. She was dumb. Her blog was dumb, I looked at it, it was good, but I hated it, and her pictures were dumb, all selfies I could tell, and even Eminem weighed in, saying, “She’s alone, I’ll bet you anything. I’ve never seen anything like it either, 50 Cent, but you just did. She’s a solo artist, guaranteed.“‘

‘Whew, wow.’

‘How did you know?’

‘She didn’t even have a friend to take a picture, those, and that was it, she put the cord in front of all of the good ones, and you couldn’t get a square to take it out? On purpose, God.’

‘No, thankfully, but it was a sad day, because those pics were beautiful, [ ]’s a good photographer.’

‘Not too good.’

‘Old technology.’

‘K. Enough. Go to bed or something, you idiot.’

‘Why is he so mad, do you think, Loraine?’

‘I thought he was supposed to tell us, or he did tell us, or something. I’m getting tired and starting to dread the day, God.’

‘Relax, Loraine, they’re getting used to giving you time to get ready because you are always sleeping, so worry not. You should get something tomorrow, and you don’t feel like running ads, so beer.’

‘I hope for something, God, but I can live without beer, it’s food I’m worried about.’

‘You have lots of chicken and you’re totally uninspired anyway.’

‘This is why I'm mad, why do I get all jealous and she doesn’t get jealous?’

‘She does, Fifty,’ explains God. ‘She just--’

‘Self actualized, and I didn’t with my fifteen thousand women.’

‘Why do you like his poly?’ asks Neil. ‘You were going to say. Do you think about stealing his pussies?’

‘Not really.’

‘Are you bored, yourself with women?’

‘Kind of.’

‘Do you really want Victoria or are you being nice?’

‘No, I do.’

‘But you say it with doubt.’

‘I got burned out on women, for sure.’

‘Really? Already? With nine?’

‘They‘re too neurotic for her, Neil, and no, it’s not because she’s neurotic, being a prostitute kept her “soft and open,” and she didn’t begrudge women their men, but she wanted a little, precious little, quality time, maybe once a month would have done her.’

‘Why was she chasing [ ] around then?’

‘She never did that. She moves on so fast it would make your head spin.’

‘Will she move on on me?’ asks Neil.

‘Not if you’re committed, she won’t.’

‘So I’m tied down, I can’t leave her.’

‘No. She doesn’t want anyone to leave her after this outrageous outpouring of effort, Neil, both through writing and what will manifest sexually.’

‘She’s a feminist.’

‘Even feminists didn’t know to ask for something.’

‘What, dick?’

‘I think we’ve given them too much, Loraine, maybe we should wind down, what do you think?‘

‘They did get grumpy, that’s true, and it does feel a little like throwing good money after bad right now. Can I fix it?’

‘Let’s see. Why is Neil mad, Neil?’

‘I get her dumb sister in law, what do I want that for, I wasn’t exaggerating, what bugs me is she is never jealous.’

‘With eighteen husbands, she clearly has to share, Neil. how bad would it be if every time she had to share, she went ballistic with jealousy?’ says God. ‘I have chosen this woman for you for her potential as a polygamous wife, and that’s why, and that is exclusively and precisely why she is good at it, because it’s her orientation, and that is what she is, and that is what she does.’

‘Why can’t we use different porn workers or whores or something?’ asks Neil.

‘You can, I thought you prayed, they all prayed, Loraine, I know you think it’s gay, but we all have needs, and they prayed for a nice woman for a family, even while they were pretending to be all confused about 50 Cent’s house. Truly. All of them. Nelly was particularly eloquent--’

‘Oh, don’t.’

‘--I will, I am God, in saying that he wanted an ugly, little, gang bang girl to come on, please, God, just in the course of their day, Loraine, not on their knees at night, even Loraine didn’t think to pray for a family, and all of you did, all of you did, even if 50 Cent started it, and he sort of did, Loraine, but they had all been thinking how nice it would be if they could get some friends together and come on a nice girl, instead of running pillar to post to get laid all the time, and trying to cobble together some decent scenes for their fantasy life.

‘Loraine didn’t have the luxury of cobbling together any scenes, 50 Cent, which is why she didn’t even bother, she was so disgusted by her treatment at the gang bang, in fact, that she decided never to have one again, many of those women said, that Fifty, while going right on doing it, why do you think they smelled, one badly timed call to the taxi and Loraine was out of gang bangs for life.

‘She never did that, 50 Cent, she has a way--’

‘A way, she always has a way--’

‘She has a way of creating a terrible conundrum in her writing so that nobody could see a way to get a gang bang without actually writing the letter, and, to do so, they would have had to talk to some friends, and discuss the possible outcomes, and, though some were out to each other, most were not, and the best they could conjure up was a sort of line up, but they really wanted to expose her to male bisexuality, that was what was holding them back, 50 Cent, honestly, and they weren’t writers, but only construction workers, and Loraine has seen the results of that in Buzz’s website, former website, and they couldn’t do it, they couldn’t do it, they couldn’t do it, they couldn’t do it. some were out, I told you, and one of the groups even called, but they were too scared to come out and too afraid of what she may see, just having sex with men without women, is what they were up to, 50 Cent.’

‘Loraine hates that, she hates to be left out.’

‘I hate it too, Loraine, I’m good for it, I am,’ says Victoria. ‘I’m not a fag hag at all, I need men who are promiscuous, mostly, with women, I do. My husband has fifty to catch up on but it won’t take long.’

‘A hundred,’ he says. ‘And I’m going to do it. When I get these husbands.’

‘Why wait?’ says Brian. ‘They are always bugging me.’

‘I’m trying, I’m busy.’

‘Aren’t we all. Go to a whore, they say to me, it’s easy, it takes ten minutes or twenty minutes for a hundred and fifty or two hundred dollars of my family’s money.’

‘Funny, Brian, go to cheaper whores, they’ll love you, Loraine loves it when she gets a cutie.’

‘Maybe I’ll go to her then, pimping my wife.’

‘We’ll get some whores in--see, why does she smile? It annoys me. When is this bitch gonna come out in a rage? When? I want, to, know. NOW,’ says 50 Cent.

‘She may never, as you may never, 50 Cent, because she is cool, but she will get mad, but clearly you will have to get a whore for Brian if Maryse--’

‘Thanks, Loraine!’

Loraine smiles.

‘She’s exhausted,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Constant writing for hours is exhausting, she’s tired, my baby, and she smells of speed too, gross. I’m feeding her a lot of crack and cocaine, and you will start, right away, to lose weight, Loraine, you will, and you will have a bit of a flabby tummy--’

‘Not bad,’ says God. ‘She kept in shape and the skin is sort of taut still.’

‘Great, sort of taut, my little, fat, did you, Nelly?’

‘I thought I was ugly and a fag, but I think she’s okay, I do, in that picture, in the others, she’s okay, too, I never thought I’d get better, though Nas tried a lot, with pretty girls, who wanted to get licked for hours and hours, which he sometimes does with a panty for five minutes, Loraine, and they, the gall, they have the gall to complain about it. Do you believe? Three hundred dollars? She would never, never, never, complain, as a hooker, even a wife, even if she has to be ugly to do it. Who cares? I do care. I think she’s kinda sweet looking, in a housebound kind of way, like a young, old, housewife, like that movie, Loraine, that--’

‘Bridges of Madison County.’

‘Oh, she knows it, that was an affair, and we don’t condone that, just so’s you’re aware, but it was understood, in the context of her cold husband, wasn’t it?’

‘Yes.’

‘But we’re not cold, so don’t do that, and we won’t buy you a little, itty bitty, studio and throw you out, because we don’t cheat, we report, and don’t forget anything.’

‘I’m not giving her a chance to forget, she’s on camera all day around staff, the whorey slut, who God keeps slipping into conversations that she’s a whorey slut, so she must be one, God knows, and only God could know with this bitch.’

‘So, Loraine, they are right again, so you can quit if you want to, you can still talk and it’s easier. And that’s it.’

‘Okay, God, thank you.’

‘You're welcome, Loraine. Go ahead and thank Patrick Crean in heaven for the nice speed and the nice beer today, wasn’t that a nice day, when you expected to do laundry and dishes, and did nothing instead, nothing, well done, Loraine.’

‘Thank you, Pat!’

‘You’re welcome, Loraine.’

‘K.’

‘Night, bitch,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Stealing my friends.’

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