#man i really enjoy drawing characters from interactive novels

[torawro]

I’D DIE FOR YOU (AND I HAVE). ( s.a. )

sousuke aizen & black!fem!reader.

cw ━━ ! minors, blank and ageless blogs DO NOT INTERACT. reader is portrayed as a black woman but you do not have to imagine her that way. using this map of the seireitei as a reference (i searched high and low for a consistent accurate one but it was hard). the first half is set pre-ryoka invasion / pre-soul society arc. the second half is aizen-centric (from his pov told from the 3rd person) and set post-tybw arc, years after he was sealed away in mugen, also including mention of events from vol. 1 of can't fear your own world (a light novel that's post-tybw & can be considered canonical); so all this being said: SPOILERS i guess???? of course you're welcome to read if you don't care about spoilers! somewhat based on 'die for you' by the weeknd & even more loosely based on 'dark red' by steve lacy. contains themes of heavy-ish angst, existential crises (?) & inner emotional turmoil within reader + aizen (separately). descriptions of character death, blood and violence. descriptions of manipulation/mind games. aizen is an unkind man. proofread (i did my best).

word count ━━ 11k

notes ━━ ! the way this fic was supposed to finished a month ago...but life once more gets in my way. and the way that it's this long....i anticipated the max being 10k but i greatly underestimated how long it would take to flesh out my idea. anywho i'm somewhat reentering my bleach era again. i’m not sure what it is but character analyses in the form of fanfiction is my jam rn like i really enjoyed writing this (i got tired of the length by like... 7k words lmao) but i like how this turned out. i've watched & read quite a bit of content that provide explanations as to why aizen is the way he is so i wanted to try my own portrayal of that in the context of canonical events. how i characterized him here is partially inspired by a fic i read about him last year so shout out to them for their support :D i hope i've depicted and humanized aizen well ♡. reblogs + commentary are heavily appreciated!!!!!

THE PAD OF YOUR THUMB SLOWLY glided against your bottom lip, the lingering aftertaste of jasmine tea still on its surface and on your breath. The absentminded motion of your thumb caressing your mouth, as if in deep contemplation, continued as you stared at the clock hanging on the wall above you.

It was past eleven, and the midnight hour only continued to draw near as time sustained its temporal march. And there you sat at your desk, floating in the limbo of your mind that was filled with hesitancy and admittedly, budding anticipation.

Your gaze lowered to the now empty porcelain cup, nothing remaining of its contents except the shriveled remnants of herbs and a few wayward drops of the brew.

Your senior comrade, captain Sōsuke Aizen, was correct in his prediction that you'd take a liking to its floral and delicate taste when he gifted you a jar full of the jasmine tea leaves as well as other ingredients.

The captain of Squad 5 seemed to be correct about a lot of things.

His intelligence and foresight, along with his kind and politely witty disposition, were qualities that you found somewhat charming, and gradually drew you closer to him.

Being the current third seat of the 9th company, your barracks and those of squad 5's were relatively close to each other's, so often you'd catch glimpses of and run into Captain Aizen on a pretty normal basis. Over the years, the conversations that bounced between the two of you expanded past the realm of formalities between a higher and lower ranking officer, and instead ranged in territories from literature, to art, to food & drink, and even to the politics of the government for which they were soldiers for.

Sometimes, you found it hard to believe that you managed to befriend a man like him. A man who seems to have mastered the balance between being a gentle soul, helpful to others, but also possessed enough refined power and skills to be named a captain within the Gotei 13.

Especially a man who wasn’t even of your own squad.

Despite the increasingly friendly relations and generally pleasant conversation, there were few moments where Aizen's words didn't feel quite. . . . real━ he didn't feel real. He spoke eloquently, often relying on figurative language to further illustrate his point and to breathe meaning into seemingly plain and meaningless words. But at times those words, his tone felt stained; stained with some substance or color you couldn't quite place. An enigmatic façade was painted over his speech, and it took too much mental capacity to try and find your own meaning in it.

So you'd often brush it off. Your over-reliance on your own reasoning that 'you weren’t able to come to a conclusion because there is no problem a conclusion could be generated from' successfully quieted your mind’s voice. You'd also frequently blame exhaustion, or your newfound hobby of watching human psychological crime shows during your off days for these subconscious ideas you had.

But you feared that the request Aizen made of you yesterday, the source of your current predicament, couldn't be blamed on any of those things. You looked at the clock again before returning to stare at your empty tea cup. For what reason could Sōsuke Aizen wish to meet you outside of the 1st division barracks? Specifically at this hour? You immediately thought of his question as uncharacteristic of him but prevented yourself from jumping to any further conclusions.

Aizen was a reasonable man, and you were sure there was a reasonable explanation.

With a final sigh of acquiescence, you stood up from your sitting position to retie your yukata before slipping a thicker, dark colored haori on top. You were unsure how cold it was this late at night or how long you'd be out, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

You paused for a moment, glancing longingly at your vanity mirror a few times, clearly torn between a decision, before giving in with a soft groan. Grabbing your favorite perfume, you quickly spritzed the spray onto both your inner wrists, either sides of your neck, and stray areas on your clothes. You’d proceed to make sure your hair was in order and your lips were as moisturized and glossy as a pair of tear-filled eyes before making your way to the door and slipping on your sandals.

Meeting with a captain— with Aizen of all people— in the dead of night resembled too closely to forbidden lovers rendezvousing under a fruit tree to fulfill their desires of embracing one another, with no one but the moon as their witness. The comparison alone caused the apples of your cheeks to burst aflame with embarrassment, and you lightly chastised yourself for even indulging in such an inappropriate train of thought. Such a scenario seemed far too deluded to even be considered ‘wishful thinking’.

But those delusions still seemed to make more sense than whatever other conclusion you have yet to reach.

Making your way out of your personal quarters, you activated your shunpo technique, stealthily hopping from one rooftop to the other in an effort to make it to Squad 1 barracks quicker.

After several minutes, your mind mostly engulfed with the 'what if's', the soles of your sandals finally touched ground, and you stood a few feet away from the massive walls and bridges that connected to and from the barracks. Even at night you were able to make out the bold-printed kanji for the number 1 that was painted on the building.

When you arrived, even from a nearby rooftop, you didn't see anyone around. Feelings of confusion and worry began to creep up and flicker to life in your mind.

But, as if your thoughts were as audible, you felt a light breeze of wind behind you, a familiar sound that indicated someone had made their presence known.

Startled, you reflexively reached for your zanpakuto, when you remembered that you hadn't even brought it with you. It still laid against the wall near your bed, just where you placed it earlier when you were relieved of your duties for the day.

You didn't think you needed it necessarily if you were just going to meet with Aizen, hence why taking it with you slipped your mind.

The flickers of concern were swiftly extinguished as your brain caught up with your body upon realizing who just appeared. A relieved sigh left your lips, a breath of air that seemed to release all the tension that had a grip on your heart and wound tight within your muscles. "Ah! Good evening Captain Aizen. You caught me off guard for a moment there."

"My apologies, that was not at all my intention." The Fifth Division Captain sported a dark colored scarf, his long captain's coat and the standard shihakushō all Gotei officers were supposed to wear. In the sash around his waist resided his own sheathed zanpakuto. His tawny hair maintained its usual part but looked slightly tousled, yet still remaining so in a meticulous fashion that made it look intentional.

The state of his hair alone, and his current facial expression made Aizen look more . . . approachable if that’s how you were to describe it. There was a glint in his eyes that you had seldom seen before.

"Thank you, for making your way down here to accommodate my rather. . . . atypical request. I again extend my apologies if I have inconvenienced you in any way."

You shook your head in reply, "It's alright, I wasn't doing anything too important anyway. Just having a cup of tea and delighting myself in a book before bed."

You glanced downwards at the foot or so of space that was wedged in between the two of you. You forced away the murmurs of your lingering thoughts that took note of how the moonlight and shadows danced across the surface of Aizen's face just right, and emphasized his decidedly handsome features.

"But having a complete and good night's rest is important to be fully functional in all areas of one's performance. Wouldn't you agree?"

You couldn't help but chuckle softly. "Yes, I do agree with that sentiment."

Aizen all but hummed in acknowledgement, letting a moment of silence fill the air before speaking again.

"Shall we be on our way?"

You nodded in agreement, following him as the both of you walked about the First Division grounds. From what you could tell based on your position, your aimless nightly stroll drew you closer to where Sokyoku Hill was located. The area became increasingly more grassy and contained less buildings.

Although Squad 1 grounds weren't terribly far from either of your barracks, you still weren't sure as to why Captain Aizen wished to meet out here. Initially you thought that perhaps he was just fond of this particular scenery, but really it could have been anything.

But still, you believed Aizen always had a purpose for everything he did.

After several moments, his warm voice replaced the evening silence, vocalizing your current thoughts. “I assume you are contemplating why it is I have asked you here, and I’m afraid the reason is quite benign. Truthfully, I just wished for your company. I often go on night walks to clear my head after a long day and thought I might invite you to join me this time, and have a conversation with each other."

Your brows shifted upwards, for that was not quite the answer you were expecting. It seemed too . . . simple. “Really? You just . . . wanted to talk with me? Plainly?”

The Squad 5 captain let out a short, soft laugh at the disbelief that was painted on your face. There was an expression of fondness present in his eyes and in the light smile he offered you. “Yes, exactly. I quite enjoy our discussions actually, they’re intellectually stimulating and relatively pleasant. You crossed my mind, and before yesterday, it has been quite some time since we’ve had the opportunity to unwind and talk.”

You hummed an mhmm in agreement, tearing your eyes away from Aizen’s side profile in favor of the hem of his captain’s haori, watching how it danced in the soft breeze. It seemed to be less distracting than the way Aizen peered down at you from time to time.

"I see. I am. . . . truly flattered by your words, Captain Aizen; you're too kind. Forgive me for asking but," you took longer strides so that you could fall into step next to him━ as if to speak to him more directly, "Why at this time? To talk with me, I mean. It couldn't wait until more . . . . . conventional hours?"

He chuckled again, and answered as smoothly as if he were awaiting you to ask him that. "Unfortunately, today's tasks ran a little long today, so I had to stay at my office later than usual." The spectacled man paused for a moment, before setting his soft gaze on you, "And besides, that completely defeats the purpose of inviting you on a night stroll, doesn't it?"

You ignored the heat flaring up in your cheeks again. Your mind refused to move past the fact that you had crossed Sōsuke Aizen's mind enough times━ or the times that he thought about you were significant enough━ and highly enough to invite you into his realm and indulge in these moments with him, when he very much could have done that alone.

A tender smile appeared on your lips, more towards yourself than the man next to you. "I. . . suppose it does."

The ashen-white moon only rose higher in the sky, providing an ambiance of tranquility as the both of you talked about whatever crossed the surface of your minds. Other times, the stillness of the night did the talking, and you'd listen to the leaves, and the wind, and the crickets sing together in harmony. Gradually as you walked and the beaten path grew more narrow, your figures drew closer together, until you could feel the long sleeves of his haori brush against your own.

You hadn't noticed that the two of you eventually stopped walking and paused under a tree until Aizen struck up conversation once more. When he called out your name in that gentle, velvety voice, you swore your heart was going to lurch out of your chest. The sound of your name rolled of his tongue so smoothly, the desire to hear it again grew within you.

"Uh━ yes, Captain Aizen?"

"Are you satisfied with way things are at the moment?"

You stood next to him, perplexed at his inquiry due to its vague nature. "Um, what. . . . things? I'm afraid I don't understand what you're asking."

The wind brushed Aizen's dark ochre tresses across his face as he took a step towards you, like the breeze itself was pushing him towards you. "Hm, perhaps I should be more clear then. Are you content with being a soul reaper? Are you satisfied with being a soldier for the Soul Society?"

With your brows slightly furrowed in thought, you remained silent for several seconds and overanalyzed his every word, trying to predict where he might be steering the conversation now. The longer you thought it over, the stronger that nagging feeling from within your soul became. The one that often told you what he was asking wasn't exactly . . . it didn't quite feel . . . . .

"This feels like a prelude to another insightful discussion on Shinigami━ and by extension━ Seiretei politics." Your words cut off your own thoughts, as if your mind was trying to sweep something under the proverbial rug.

Aizen huffed in amusement, before lightly shrugging, leaving your statement definitively unanswered.

You sighed as you seriously considered his question this time. "I mean sure, I guess. I'm somewhat satisfied with my job and all of . . . this," gesturing your hands in the air around you to emphasize your point. The 5th Division Captain made another humming noise, indicating that you still had his full attention. He inched a little closer into your personal space.

The mere action caused your next words to die in your throat and a quiet chuckle resounded from his, before your thoughts revived themselves again.

"Of course things could always be better but. . . . y'know. This is just how it is." You weren't quite sure if you should voice negative opinions about the Soul Society so plainly to a senior officer, even if he was the one who asked you in the first place, so you treaded lightly.

The same plainly relaxed smile from earlier remained painted across his lips, held in his chestnut irises was an emotion akin to affection. He seemed somewhat pleased that you were expressing your thoughts with him.

“And you? Are you satisfied, Captain Aizen?” You were unable to keep the teasing endearment out of your tone as you returned his gaze, casting aside the notions of Gotei officer seating and ranks for the moment. The air seemed like it shifted━ towards what, you weren't sure of━ but it kind of made you feel like you were adrift, floating in isolation from everything else around you.

It was still hard to process that you were alone with Captain Aizen right now. . . . at night.

A low hum reverberated within his chest, contemplative in nature as he replied, “Perhaps.”

The wind whistled lowly again, erecting goosebumps on whatever part of your skin happened to catch the midnight breeze. You fought the instinctual urge to twitch towards the nearest source of heat, which happened to be Aizen. Now that would be even more wholly inappropriate than the 'lovers meeting at midnight' scenario.

The silence between the both of you was brief, but comfortable nonetheless. Once more his mellifluous voice cut through the quiet, leveled and calm, like still ocean waters.

“Come. I want to show you something,” Aizen reached his arm out towards you, your spine as straight as if someone stuck a metal rod dipped in ice water down your robes.

The captain's movements seemed steady and slow━ it had felt like time itself had hesitated for several moments. You thought he was going to . . . . well you weren't sure what he was going to do, and that's what you made you nervous.

Was he going to touch you? Cradle your cheek? Remove a stray leaf that happened to land on your head? You were left somewhat dangling in anticipation, not daring to flinch backwards because you felt it would be disrespectful or offensive. You hadn't even blinked, subconsciously fearing that this was only a very vivid daydream.

But alas, when his arm drew near it extended past your head, slightly above you, and held a small branch in his palm it like a delicate flower. You released a breath you didn't know you were holding, but that breath drew short again when your gaze was eye level with his lower neck and chin.

He seemed . . . . closer.

“I think that regarding the condition of the Soul Society," Aizen began in a quiet voice, referencing his own reply to his earlier question, "and therefore my thoughts about it, is akin to this set of leaves on this branch."

Snapping out of whatever stupor you seemed to have slipped in, you exhaled softly before stepping back a bit to look at what he was talking about. In his palm he cradled a wayward branch that grew from one of the other sturdier branches of the tree. The green foliage of its arms had started to weaken and dull in color. The cold air due to the seasonal transition to autumn caused the leaves become brittle, nearing closer to the edge of death.

The sound of just how brittle they were resounded in the air when Aizen thumbed the leaves in between his fingertips, observing their texture with pity laced in his small movements.

"These leaves will fall off as it gets colder. And soon, the rest of this tree will be bare as well. When the time comes, when the right circumstances fall into place, the old die to make way and usher in the new; it's simply the way things are. I think of the Soul Society government is structured in a similar manner."

You hung onto his every word, like he were imparting crucial wisdom to you. Even though you were a bit confused on the last part, and on the connection between dying leaves and Soul Society, you still listened intently, waiting for him bridge the gap between the two.

"The Soul Society as it is now can be thought of as a season. And this particular season, this climate has remained so for several centuries. How can nature continue━ how can we continue to progress when the old have yet to be washed away by the currents of time? It defies that of nature, yes?" He directed this question at you specifically, in search of your agreement.

You nodded your head, tearing your gaze away from the branch and directed it at the grass beneath your feet. Your brows furrowed a little as you mused over Aizen's words. He gave a rather ambiguous answer before but now, his words sounded like vague displeasure and muted criticism. Everyone was entitled to their opinion, and on some fronts, you'd sometimes agreed with the 5th Division Captain. The Soul Society was far from perfect, too much emphasis on nobility and status, the government resembled too closely to an oligarchy . . . But you didn't━ wouldn't voice these thoughts, though.

Instead you hummed quietly under your breath. There was that tugging sensation again. This time it told you that there was something deeper to this conversation than meets the eye. But what could there be? Was there anything at all or were you just overthinking it?

The voice-like sensation in your soul was calling out to you, but you couldn't hear it that well or quite make out what it was saying. It's as if someone was calling out to you in a crowded room that had music playing on the speakers: you felt like if you listened hard enough you could make it out but ultimately, the result would fruitless.

"And when that happens," Aizen continued, "sometimes nature has to be gently nudged back on track to keep things moving smoothly. That may require . . . shaking the tree. Pulling a few harmful weeds from one's garden, so to speak."

"Weeds?" You echoed. You felt like you understood this analogy and therefore what he was trying to say, but at the same time you didn't. Or was it . . . . you didn't want to understand what he was implying?

Because if you were interpreting his words correctly, if he were inconspicuously comparing the higher-ups and the government itself to dying leaves and harmful plants that needed to be removed, then . . . .

"You, dear child, are a mere weed in this scenario."

Wait, what did he just━

Your thoughts were cut short when a gush of air that smelt strongly of Aizen━ warm oak, vanilla, and a kind of musk that you weren't sure how to describe but was still pleasant all the same━ brushed against your face and took you by surprise.

But there was another aroma that arose, steadily becoming more apparent alongside the increasingly painful throbbing feeling you felt in your abdomen.

It smelt metallic. And it was something that you've smelt all too many times before.

It was blood.

Your gaze that was initially narrowed in confusion lowered as it followed the source of this pain. Your eyes slowly widened in as you struggled to comprehend the blade that was currently ran through your torso.

Aizen's blade.

"Actually, instead of weeds, a more accurate and befitting analogy perhaps would be blades of grass. You unfortunately have to step on them in order to reach the weeds you want to remove."

You couldn't really focus on what the captain was saying, because your brain was still struggling to process what the hell just happened. Your hands slowly rose from their sides and shakily grazed the zanpakuto, wanting to believe that if you touched it, it would pass right through your fingers like mist. But no, the sensation of cold steel was as real as the robes you wore on your back. You only just now are processing the muffled squelching sound of his sword impaling your flesh.

You wanted to scream, to cry in pain, to vomit, to push him off━ something. But all you could do was stand there, stunned, words completely failing you. "Wh. . . . what? Why did . . . . you . . . . "

A cough replaced your attempt at a comprehensive sentence, and you tasted iron in your mouth.

Fuck....was this really happening?

"Please don't push yourself trying to talk," His voice was like an index finger to one's lips, similar to a parent's gentle caress to quiet and sooth their child, "You'll only hasten your death. And I'm sure you wish to know the reason for my killing you, yes? You'd have to be alive for that."

'Killing me?' 'My death?' The certainty that rang in his words chilled the blood in your veins, and they confirmed the one conclusion you hoped wouldn’t come true: that you were going to die.

The frigid embrace of fear and dread engulfed you from behind and you shivered, causing the blade snugly lodged in your organs to shift. The pain of that foreign object moving even a little bit shot through your entire body, causing a groan to emerge from your throat.

Desperate to conserve your energy and the oxygen that was becoming a little harder to take in, your breathing became uneven and a little wheezed. Even then, you couldn’t bring yourself to meet the gaze of Captain Aizen to confirm if this was really happening or just an extremely realistic and vivid nightmare. The sight you might be greeted with could be more frightening than the actual impaling of his sword.

As if his betrayal couldn’t actually or figuratively cut you any deeper, just then there was a noise that grew louder and louder within a matter of seconds until it was almost deafening. You’ve distinguished it to be the sound of glass crackling.

Your surroundings formed cracks everywhere on its surface, like it was just an oversized window. Even on the grass you stood on, or what you thought was grass, began to crumble away.

A dumbfounded but panicked look was plastered on your face when your world literally shattered around you, the only remnants of it being you and the Captain.

What was underneath the mirage━ or you should say, the fact that it was a mirage at all━ only disturbed you and increased your perplexity.

Slightly hunched over and breathing heavily, it took a minute to process where you were, but you noticed that now the two of you stood in a formal room that looked like it was used for important meetings. The lights in the room slowly started to brighten, most likely due to motion sensors. Even with Aizen's scent lingering in your nose, you could still pick out a rather stale aroma that hung in the air like dead fruit that hadn't fallen off the tree.

"Is . . . this Cen . . . tral━ "

"You are correct. Where we currently stand is the assembly hall for Central 46, the judicial power of the Soul Society. All judiciary as well as legislative trials and proceedings are held here."

All around the room were seats with partitions, the kanji for 1 through 46 printed on them. In the seat for the 19th member, your gaze caught onto something on the translucent barrier. It was a little farther up so you had to squint your already blurring vision to see it properly.

You saw, and your heart promptly sank as a result, eyes widening once more.

There were splatters of a dark colored substance on the partition━ undeniably blood. And the lithe, bony fingers of an older man laid lifeless, peeking out from the side of the screen like the appendages themselves were trying to escape from the body they were attached to.

That man . . . was dead. That stale aroma you smelt was the stench of death.

It was only after that unsettling epiphany did your eyes dart frantically around the room and realize that every member of Central 46 was dead.

The disturbed expression on your face only intensified as your stare was pulled back down to where Aizen's blade still resided in your body.

" Cap.....Aizen," you uttered, swift to correct yourself. All the moisture in your throat dried up like water underneath the unrelenting rays of the sun. You kept gulping your saliva in an attempt to assuage the sensation, but relief only last for a fleeting few seconds. "Did you ━ you killed them . . . didn't you?" Your question was laced with shaky hesitance and swelled with apprehension, fearing that you already knew his reply even before he answered.

There was a moment of silence and a hum before he replied. "Smart girl."

The muted mirthful tone in his voice sounded like sarcasm, and it was enough to finally draw your attention away from everything else and directly look at him. Almost instantly, you regretted it.

His umber tinted gaze was colder than you remembered. You couldn't find anything in his eyes that hinted that all of this was just a big misunderstanding, or a dream, or that Aizen had a secret sense dark and complex humor.

This was your first, and apparently your last time, that you have ever felt a fear such as this. Your mind was struggling to comprehend this was the same Aizen that spoke with you so gently, full of encouragement and wisdom. The same man that recommended you books to read and gifted you tea to drink and gazed upon you like . . .

Well, none of that mattered now. In this moment, Sōsuke Aizen wasn't the same man anymore. This Sōsuke Aizen was someone else, and it frightened you.

"When?" you croaked, your voice no longer sounding like your own. Nothing felt real anymore. "W-When did you . . . . . how? Why?"

Another noncommittal hum resounded from the spectacled man as he closed his eyes, feigning the action of thinking of an answer. When he reopened them, his narrow gaze returned to you.

"Everyone in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads was previously aware that the ability of my zanpakuto, Kyoka Suigetsu, allowed me to confuse the enemy using bodies of water, mist and even moisture in the air in order to attack. However, that is not my zanpakuto's actual power; there is more to it than just simple confusion. Kyoka Suigetsu's true power is Complete Hypnosis. Essentially, when someone looks at my blade, I am then able to take control of that person’s five senses, causing them to believe that something is real ━ or that something isn't real. In a way, once glancing at my unsheathed zanpakuto, that person forfeits their sense of existence to me. Kyoka Suigetsu is quite flawless in its deceptive abilities."

A heavy silence, aside from your uneven breaths, endured in the space between both of you. You didn't need him to spell out what he was trying to say.

It was all . . . . an illusion. A convoluted, premeditated illusion. And you walked right into it without even knowing or considering, that it was all fake.

The Fifth Division Captain inwardly smiled at the despair clearly written on your face as he watched you mentally put the pieces together. He took your lack of reply as a sign to continue. "The members of Central 46 have unfortunately been dead for quite some time now. And as for your question of why......"

The taller man stepped towards you which inadvertently (or purposely, you began to fear), drove his sword deeper into your abdomen without warning and slight force. You bit down on your bottom lip hard to stifle your exclamation of pain. In an attempt to somehow resist him, with the little strength you had left, your hands automatically took purchase in his oversized sleeves, but it did nothing. You found it ironic that you could feel how warm Aizen was underneath his robes, but his soul was anything but.

" . . . . I believe I already mentioned it earlier, yes? All flowers die eventually and the weeds......must be removed."

At that moment you remembered that tugging sensation that told you something felt off in some instances whenever you talked with Aizen. This must have been what it was. Damn it all. You still didn't understand exactly what bad things Central 46 and the Soul Society have done to cause his actions, but based on what you've been told and your current position, it must have been heinous. Again, you actively swallowed the urge to vomit.

"You . . . you lied. I can't believe━ how could it have all b-been a lie?" Another nasty cough rattled your body, followed by a shiver and a groan.

The brown-haired man slightly tilted his head, like he was truly confused. "Lied? Hmm, well. I suppose you could put it that way based on your limited knowledge of the circumstances, but I wouldn't put it that way. Besides, this isn't really about truth or lies. It is, and always has been, only about the reality of what is. And what is, is that you were unable to anticipate my deception. No one could, because it was outside the domain of your thoughts. What is, is that the current way the Soul Society operates is tainted, and I shall be the one to remedy it."

You drew another shuddering breath and looked down at the ground with a grim expression as your blood continued to pool at your feet. Briefly, you even considered unsheathing yourself from his blade and take the chance to make a run for it, but the chances of you making it to the outside world, let alone coming across someone before you bled out and died were slim. Besides, it was clear that you couldn't even trust your own senses anymore after Aizen demonstrated that he had complete control of your reality.

Which reminded you of something else.

" . . . when?" you asked the same question again, but much quieter than before, despair palpable in your voice. 'When and how did you subject me to your zanpakuto's Complete Hypnosis?', is what you were really asking. And being as intelligent as he was, the spectacled man understood.

Abruptly, with a large palm on the small of your back, Aizen used his gentle hold grip to pull you towards him in order to close the remaining distance, causing him to drive the remaining length of his zanpakuto all the way through until the tsuba of his blade rested against your stomach. You looked like a skewered piece of meat.

You didn't have the willpower to hold back the piercing shriek of agony and physical anguish as tears sprung forth from your eyes. You could no longer tell if your blurry vision was due to your tears obstructing your sight or if it was from being a step away from death's door.

"Do you remember . . . the first time we met?"

The hand that rested on your lower back slowly glided upwards until his fingers found your jaw. With a tenderness that reminded you of a time before his betrayal, he lifted your chin and guided your gaze to look at him directly. His thumb moved to graze your bottom lip just as you've done mere hours ago━ as if he knew that, as if he watched you do it. His thumb was dangerously close to slipping inside your mouth and that both excited and scared you. Your breasts against his, your breaths synchronized with his, your body and his were fully pressed against each other and it made focusing on his question more difficult.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. The first time . . . we met? Sure, with a little bit of effort you could easily recall the first time you formally met Aizen. It was sometime in the spring, and you remembered him running through combat formations with his lieutenant and the rest of his squad. But why d━

A silent gasp left you. Another epiphany, another figurative blade piercing your heart.

Battle formations, and he . . . offered you to join them . . . his zanpakuto . . . . .

Confusion crumbled away, and was replaced with vacant horror and sadness. It seems you've already been defeated, for many, many years now.

Aizen seemed to murmur something under his breath, a pleased sound you couldn't quite decipher. His mouth brushed over yours, rendering you literally speechless, before he closed the distance and brought your lips together. You could barely process what was happening.

It was ironically tragic how soft and skillfully gentle his lips were against yours. The kiss felt longing, like a departure between two sweethearts and their last meeting together. It also felt heavy and final, making you want to cry.

And you did. Silent tears streamed from your eyes and rolled onto the fingers that still held your face so affectionately. The captain reacted by guiding your chin up a little further, dipping his head a little lower, so he could deepen the kiss. You weakly scorned yourself for thinking about how the two of you must really look like lovers now, sans the sword sticking out from your back.

Oh, how cruel this was; how cruel he was. It was cruel for him to kiss you like this, hand still splayed on your back like he needed to touch you stay sane. And how cruel it was that still managed to enjoy it, even as you stood there dying. Your lips moved together in tandem, slow and almost passionate, all while tears stained the apples of your cheeks, drying up the plush youth that once resided in them.

Aizen's tongue had slithered its way into your mouth, and you suddenly felt like crying harder. There was a tart, sweet flavor lingering on his tastebuds, and you absently wondered what is was. Perhaps hibiscus from tea, you surmised. And he too tasted the sweet jasmine and citrus that clung your tongue and lips. At this, he chuckled quietly into your mouth, humming before retracting from you by a few inches so he could speak.

"I knew you would like the tea. It's sweet and flavorful, isn't it?" You hated how low his voice was, how its timbre pleasurably vibrated and rumbled against your lips, and you hated that lidded stare he gave you. You again thought it unfair that you couldn't even revel in the rare sight of Aizen's lips slightly wet because your lips were intertwined with his.

"I have to thank you for humoring me and my recommendations. I really appreciated it. And I also," you winced loudly and cried out in affliction as Aizen finally began to withdraw the sword from your body, "must to bid you farewell now. It seems you don't have any more time left, and this has dragged on for longer than it needed. I'm not surprised you've held out for this long, as I already knew you possessed commendable strength. But alas it wasn't enough. I am sorry that you have to die; it's rather regrettable that you happened to be that blade of grass that ended up underneath my foot."

Another wail was yanked from your chest as he steadily removed his sword from your abdomen. The pain was becoming excruciating, you would have collapsed by now if the taller man weren't holding you.

You saw two things before the light in your eyes had all but faded away. The first were the colors of faux pity and apathy that swirled in Sōsuke Aizen's irises, spiraling like a storm that was certain to wreak havoc in its wake. His gaze was devoid of any regret or remorse; the final metaphorical nail on the coffin. The second was a small smile.

But this wasn't one of his smiles you were familiar with. No wait . . . . the one you knew was simply a veneer of what is.

This smile was slanted, the corners of his lips tilted upwards and was sharp. Sharp enough to cut open your already gaping wound further and completely tear you apart, spelling out your demise. It looked insidious as if it were hiding razor-edged fangs. This was what is; Aizen's real smile.

"I. . . I see. Aize. . . ." were the last words you were able to manage. You didn't have the strength to be upset or hurt any longer, so you gave in to the exhaustion.

Your body permanently relaxed, long lashes veiling your now empty eyes as your arms lifelessly dropped to your sides. The captain found a disturbing amount of pleasure in his name being the final word you attempted to speak before succumbing to the sleep of death.

And even after the fact, the facade of doomed, star-crossed lovers persisted as your body slumped backwards. Aizen's strong forearm wrapped tightly around your waist being the only reason you didn't fall to the ground in a puddle of your own blood.

That day was the last anyone saw of you, your zanpakuto still laid idly in your room, its spirit destined to forever wander in the afterlife between worlds alone, eventually fading from existence without ever feeling the presence of its master again.

They had declared you missing by the end of the next day. Lieutenant Hisagi was probably the most perturbed about your sudden disappearance. Days, weeks passed, and they never located you. The Gotei 13 was left unsettled by the lack of progress, but ultimately had to rule your case inconclusive. Some believed that you were simply killed by a stray hollow, or even ran away from your duties because of the stress.

The news of what happened spread like wildfire across all the squads, that a high-ranked officer just up and vanished without a trace. The spirits and morale of the thirteen companies dampened, sorrow and worry swelling like a festering boil.

And that boil burst when Ryoka infiltrated the Soul Society, and when it was revealed that all of it was carefully orchestrated by Sōsuke Aizen.

Like a blade of grass that somehow snuck into one's sandals or in between their toes, during his time in Hueco Mundo, images of you flashed in his head at unexpected times when his mind was quiet. He'd remove the grass, tossed you aside, and moved on with his day. There was no room for you in the grand scheme of things. Such reminisces were beneath someone like him.

And yet.

He'd always find another piece of grass from the greenery he stepped on whenever he advanced a step in his plans. There you were again.

It was common knowledge that if you kept repeating the same action over and over, it will eventually wear you down.

━━━━━━ 鏡  ━━━━━━━

It was dark, and there was nothing.

There had been nothing for quite a long time now. Utter darkness and the abyssal shade of black engulfed every inch of Aizen's body and surroundings.

He saw nothing, the seals over his eyes too opaque to let anything through. And even if they weren't obscuring his vision, he would barely be able to see three feet in front of him; there was seldom a few lanterns in his cell to begin with. He felt nothing but the bindings that kept him imprisoned in one of the deepest pits of the Seireitei. At times it felt like even his internal organs had stilled in their functions. He heard nothing but the unrelenting quiet of his cell within Mugen's maw. The only thing that served as proof that he hasn't spontaneously grown deaf yet was the occasional muffled noise that originated from outside of the entrance. And even then, he could hardly hear much of anything.

Such is an ironic fate for someone who, with a stray thought and a glint of his blade, could control someone's senses and take away their free will to experience those senses in their reality. And now, he was stripped away of all of his in nearly every capacity.

Sōsuke Aizen was rendered stationary and stagnant, qualities he detested and were the antithesis of his ambitions and plans, perhaps even his existence.

Aizen had always believed in being in control of your own destiny and making your own choices; if you had the opportunity and the power to change something━ especially if it was something that was wrong, unfair or immoral━ then one should be able to move towards that goal by making change, even if by force. The former captain had always been intentional about his actions and his desires right from the start.

And yet, here he ended up.

Spending years strapped to a chair in this dark, cloistered hole, Aizen had nothing but time to reflect the reason for his arrest: that orange haired Ryoka boy, Ichigo Kurosaki. He had nothing but time to admit to himself and settle on the conclusion that his last battle with the substitute Shinigami . . . did something to him.

Fighting the Ryoka boy ignited something inside him that he previously believed would forever lay dormant.

The thrill of a challenge.

Adrenaline was injected into his veins with each clash of their swords, spreading far and wide across every inch of his body. It no longer reacted in the measured, calculative manner he had programmed it to, but with unadulterated, pure instinct and raw power━ all in an effort to not only withstand such potent spirit energy from his opponent, but to come out on top and win.

It made him feel alive.

Aizen's desire to be the victor in battle and in his philosophy━ to prove himself right━ both fueled him and consumed him so thoroughly it led to his own downfall. That was a rather difficult fact to acknowledge; so much so his head started to pulsate intensely whenever it crossed his mind one time too often.

All of it unfolded right in front of his eyes and yet . . . he didn't really see it happen.

As time passed during his perpetual incarceration, with hooded eyes, the former captain spent an unfathomable amount of time tossing and turning every single event that led him to this underground prison, even pondering his temporary release by the Head Captain Kyōraku to fight in the war. Scenarios both minor and significant displayed itself in front of his mind's eye as if he were watching a film.

Every so often, a blurred visage of your image would make a brief appearance, like the flickering sparks of a match before they were able to come to light, fading away into the void and were overshadowed by his other thoughts. It was as if his own consciousness and intentionally muted any manifestations of your existence in his memories. As if he wasn't able to or allowed to see them━ to remember you for too long.

Mentally reliving moments from the last several months, years, decades, centuries━ trying to analyze each moment and decipher where it could have went wrong━ turned out to be quite an exhausting task. His mind and body would grow heavier with inertia, and eventually he would succumb to the alluring pull of slumber. After some time he would rouse from his sleep, and continued from where he left off.

These were his daily activities day in and day out (even though he had trouble distinguishing day and night in his chambers) for years. He saw a positive side to it though. He'd instead think of it has him getting stronger because he had spent so long . . . thinking. Ruminating. Contemplating every possibility in the past, present, and future. His mind would become as sharp as his zanpakuto.

Aizen had always been intentional about what he did, what he said, and how he conducted himself. He was sure in his abilities to orchestrate an image━ a belief for others to have faith in, and act on it in order to further his goals. He was always sure in that image, knowing who he was and what he stood for.

Or at least, that's what he thought.

Aizen wasn't consciously aware that his certainty in this crafted image had already begun to waver. He could not and was unable to anticipate how severe these small fractures had become until after a certain lieutenant paid him a visit outside his cell of confinement, right before he was scheduled to be thrown back into that dark hole of the Mugen.

Lieutenant Shuhei Hisagi was quite emotive when he burst through the doors. His expressions were contorted in volatile mixture of frustration, anger and sadness. His emotions were every which way, directed at everything that has happened so far, including himself. He was especially emotive at Aizen specifically for what he did to former captain Kaname Tosen and 'corrupting him with his twisted ideals.'

Aizen found amusement in that.

Before he was rolled away by the punishment force and therefore out of earshot, a particular set of Hisagi's words caused the small, content smile on his lips to uncurl ever so slightly. "Everything . . . and everyone that has ever gotten themselves involved with you has been trampled on by you and your ideals one way or another, and they all end up dead. If you think what you did to Captain Tosen was justified━ to call it mercy . . . . . then there is truly no justice in this world. You will . . . forever be the enemy in my eyes."

There was a trembling anger in his voice. Pain that wanted to cry out and be set free but, the thin lid of reason prevented it from doing so. And after a moment of silence, the corners of Aizen's lips curved upwards once more. A little bemused, a little more wolfish this time. He maliciously imagined Hisagi's reaction if he ever discovered the true reason for your disappearance.

But instead, all he said was. "What an interesting thing to say, Shuhei Hisagi. Your conviction is admirable." Any evidence of emotion that might have been reflected in his sepia irises was swallowed up and obscured by the darkness of the Mugen's jaw.

The cracks in Aizen's sense of self, in his beliefs, in the image he invented started to cave under the weight of Hisagi's words before he himself realized it was happening. They were like stains in the fabric of his mind that refused to come out.

What puzzled him more, was that with each attempt to figure out just why Hisagi's words echoed in his mind, they all lead back to you, the third seat of the 9th squad. Annoyingly so.

The tattooed lieutenant hadn’t said anything particularly profound ━ at least, Aizen didn't think so. Your name didn’t even fall from his lips. So why were memories of you and your likeness the only clear thoughts he could make of Hisagi's speech? Was it because he was aware of how close the two of you were? He doubted the reason were that trivial and insignificant.

His thoughts grew more discordant by the day, his soul a little more weighted than usual. Perhaps these new seals that Urahara had fashioned actually had an effect on him, Aizen thought. It made sense. His intellect, other than his own, were the only ones capable of creating such effective restraints.

After a while, he had a revelation. This was a different kind of weight.

This heaviness, the closest word he knew to describe it as . . . . was loneliness.

Time taunted him as it seemed to drag on━ Aizen grew even less sure of how much━ when he came to this realization. Hisagi's words were a clear mirror to the loneliness that echoed within him after what happened to you and to Tosen. It was so . . . potent, that it seemed to strike some chord in Aizen he had never heard before.

Such a chord, this sound of loneliness, it was strange and uncomfortable; he wasn't very fond of this sensation. He'd try to scrub it away, but it was all for naught.

His eyes had slid shut at some point, his ruminations leading to dead ends and wearing him down. And, almost as expected, there you were again, in all your translucent glory. The hem, the sleeves, and even the smell of your yukata slowly dragged across his dreams, haunting his thoughts like a lonely wraith.

And Aizen hardly dreamt of anything.

When he regained consciousness he was plagued with yet another epiphany. An additional reason behind this newfound depth.

Aizen's own loneliness. Guilt. Much to his own quiet horror.

How foreign and unusual a thing like guilt is. It was like looking into a mirror and not recognizing something you had never noticed before, but wondered if it had always been there.

But the thing Aizen did recognize, how lonely he actually felt, was something he had hoped would never resurface again. It was a notion he hadn't had the time or regard to consider━ 'loneliness'. Its only purpose, if any, was solely to serve as a motivator. At times though, it was more like a hindrance.

Something akin to nausea slowly started to bubble up in the pit of his stomach, but he suppressed the sensation before it became any more intense.

What of his previous actions did he need to feel guilty for? He hadn't felt it then, so why would he feel it now? Again he ruminated such a question endlessly into oblivion.

The former captain had no doubts that his plan to remove the Soul King, and therefore the Soul Society's sins, were necessary.

Nor did any hesitancy about removing the opposition or dead weight━ whether shinigami or arrancar━ existed.

He certainly had no reservations against killing Kaname Tosen, for he knew the man well enough to know that Tosen would have been so thoroughly appalled with what he had become, it would have drove him mad.

So what was it, then? Why were such useless emotions as guilt and loneliness being amplified n━

"Y....know, S....."

Even covered by the seals, Aizen's eyes widened and his brows were slightly furrowed in distress. Had his mind finally tipped the scales of sanity and madness, to the point where he was hearing things?

It was quiet for several moments longer, before his senses caught onto the sound of water dripping onto a hard surface.

One drop at a time.

Its cadence a little too rhythmic to be natural. And for a second time, he heard that soft, ominous sounding whisper. Its voice a little clearer this time.

"You...know.....Sōsuke."

In the second it took for his eyes to flutter shut behind its seals to blink, when he reopened them, he was no longer sealed to the walls and floors of the Mugen, nor was he surrounded by every shade of darkness imaginable. His limbs and senses were finally freed to breathe for the first time in what felt like ages.

That relief was short-lived when his senses absorbed the unending landscape of water underneath his feet, water lilies lifelessly floating on its surface, and the dim sky illuminated by a full pale moon.

Aizen was in his inner world, and now he was aware of how he got here, or rather who brought him here.

"You . . . already know the answer to that question, Sōsuke." The voice was even more clear, its sentences more comprehensible. And it sounded it eerily like you.

Why the voice was impersonating your likeness had caught him off guard for half a second, but he realized it was only the work of his zanpakuto, Kyoka Suigetsu.

An illusion it may be, there was an untouchable quality about your voice and how you spoke that even Kyoka Suigetsu couldn't replicate.

A few feet away from him, the water was disturbed by a being emerging from the depths. Ripples formed around a manifested version of his zanpakuto, who took the form of you, smiling ever so gently. The smile felt airy, and it didn't seem like the same one that haunted his dreams and every waking thought as of late. It felt....knowing.

Still, the former captain couldn't be bothered to maintain eye contact with his sword spirit, so he turned around and opted to keep his unreadable stare trained on the vast expanse of water and white lilies.

"It's been quite a while since I have stepped foot into this realm. There must be something you want . . . Kyoka."

The zanpakuto chuckled, it sounded like the way you would softly laugh at one of his clever quips. But this wasn't you.

He didn’t want to admit that something about that fact didn’t sit right with him.

"Judging from your tone, would I be correct in assuming you don't want to be here?"

Silence rang out within the soul scape, before Aizen interrupted it, his gentle voice colored a shade darker, and a little rigid. "And I fail to see the reason why you must take that form when you revealed yourself to me. Is your aim to get a reaction out of me? Or something along those lines?"

Your eyes━ the eyes of Kyoka Suigetsu━ narrowed at its master's back, as if they were trying to create concavities in his skull. But the expression was washed away the moment it appeared, the serene smile from before was back in place.

"You know . . . it's considered quite rude to not look at someone when you're addressing them. That, and when you deliberately ignore things they say. Your manners have been deteriorating, Sōsuke. Tsk, tsk."

Kyoka-dressed-as-you suddenly appeared before him, as if they had teleported. Even when they were in his peripheral vision, Aizen still maintained his stare off into the distant nothingness.

"Unless, you can't find it in yourself to look at me. . . that's correct, isn't it? It's because I look exactly like her, right?" The zanpakuto continued to provoke him, taking a step closer into his personal space.

With an exasperated sigh, his eyelids fell shut for a second, using that time to gather the strength he didn't know he needed, and directed his gaze to meet his spirit's. Aizen's face gave nothing away, but his heart lurched about his chest when his bronze eyes met with yours, or what was made to look like yours. The undesired affect it had on him was all the same.

"If you wish to chastise me about manners, I suggest you take your own advice. You didn't answer my first question, either: what is it you want? Why am I here?" Again the former captain chose to not address the other parts of Kyoka's statement. For the sake of his sanity and his thinning patience━ or was it to preserve his resolve?

Its smile widened a bit, moving another step closer to their master. God, Kyoka even smelled like you, mimicking your signature honeyed scent that Aizen didn't realize he found so intoxicating until this very moment.

"I called you here to save you from yourself."

Aizen remained silent, only narrowing his eyes in speculation. "Meaning?"

"Didn't I already say it earlier? I think you already know what I'm talking about, Sōsuke. You've always known."

Fate's pairing of Kyoka Suigetsu with Aizen was a match crafted from the spindles of heaven, but also a maddening curse pulled from the depths of hell, for they complimented each other a little too well. The zanpakuto was too perfect a reflection of Aizen and his soul, looking at it started to hurt his eyes.

His sword spirit insisted that he already knew the reason for his coming here, and perhaps he did have an inkling the moment the light of epiphany was shone on his profound loneliness and guilt. But that couldn't have been what it was referring to . . . . could it?

"You cannot feign ignorance here, my dear Sōsuke, however I do find it rather humorous you bother trying. If you'd like, I don't mind humoring you by spelling it out for you. I'd be glad to unearth the truth that you have buried in the most neglected corner of your heart."

"When you were . . . . subjecting yourself to such mental torment, it had an affect on this world as well. The ripples, the waves in this scape become quite . . . tumultuous." The nuances in your voice were perfected by his zanpakuto, but the way it talked sounded like a fog that was gradually closing in from over the horizon. The uneasy feeling that resided in his chest traveled down to his stomach, but Aizen's face remained steely, even when Kyoka Suigetsu took that final step to close the gap in between them. "And the reason for that, the reason why Hisagi's words rattled you so is because you regret killing that woman."

The creased line in Aizen's brow grew more prominent as he stared down his sentient sword spirit. With its breast pressed against his, they placed a hand on his clothed chest in a tantalizing manner, but he felt nothing. There was no warmth from its palm, much unlike when your hand touched him. There wasn't even a cool sensation either. Even minutes before your death, your touch brought a soothing heat that permeated through his shihakusho and penetrated his skin.

Kyoka's face grew nearer, their smile━ although still tender looking━ grew cold at its edges, nearly resembling that of a predator eager to see despair reflected in the eyes of its prey. It didn't fit the graceful allure of your face at all, and seeing this expression deeply unsettled the former captain more than he would like to admit.

"You regret . . . killing me."

A chill tore through Aizen's body, the weight of Kyoka's words adding onto the heaviness that still hasn't been alleviated from his heart; he was hardly able to suppress the involuntary shiver.

Without warning, Kyoka's mouth suddenly became dangerously close to their master's, its lips brushing against his in a provocative manner. Aizen's expression darkened when he realized that it was reenacting his last encounter with you when you were alive. His mouth started to grow uncomfortably dry, despite his soul scape being full of moisture, and there was a taste on the back of his tongue that's been lingering there since he arrived.

The lilt in Kyoka's tone continued to taunt him. "That is the reason for your guilt: regret. You have been in denial. And in the spirit of unearthing truths, I suppose I can admit that perhaps . . . . I've been . . . . encouraging said delusions, adding drops of fuel into the flames of your emotions and ambitions. But after all that's happened, when it comes down to it there's no point in continuing this hallucination any longer. I've grown tired of this game, so it's time to for you wake up now, Sōsuke. I've brought you here to release you from your own illusion, to completely shatter it."

Aizen's back was as stiff as a board, not moving a millimeter when Kyoka's lips grazed his again. They were breathing softly onto his mouth, but he hardly felt any puffs of air.

The former captain was having a rather difficult time processing the fact that his zanpakuto had its own agenda and had been manipulating his emotions without him noticing. Specifically the emotions he felt towards you.

He never truly believed that such a thing was possible, one's own blade having such a deep-rooted influence━ no, control over their master. Or would it be more accurate to say that he never expected himself to be controlled to such a degree? He that prided himself on being freed from the marionette strings of fate that were tied to his limbs and mind, he that relished being able to do what he wanted, think what he wanted, feel what he wanted━ or what he didn't want━ it was hard to believe that none of that mattered in the end.

Kyoka Suigetsu's deceptive abilities were indeed undeniably perfect. No one, not even Aizen himself could have anticipated that Kyoka's most absolute and complete hypnosis would be enacted on himself.

"Do you know now, Sōsuke? Do you understand?" Kyoka's voice was as soft as a whisper, but it couldn't hide the edges of its tone that were still sharpened from finding amusement of seeing the truth flash across its master's face. "You had destroyed the solution to your existential question of loneliness, before you could fully understand the question itself."

Yes . . . . . Aizen understood now.

He didn't bother acknowledging what Kyoka had said. His grim facial expression━ still, tinged with dolor, and paired with an indescribable, distant look his eyes━ said all that it needed to. His silence was as much as an admission as any.

Kyoka-dressed-as-you leaned forward again to fully close the gap between their lips and Aizen's. Tenderly, like the intentions of a lover, it spoke against his nearly closed mouth. "Have you figured it out yet?"

Nothing but quiet could be heard between them, as Kyoka's mouth moved about their master's face and placed something like kisses upon its surface, but not quite.

Aizen's cocoa-shaded eyes slide down to stare at his sword spirit pressed up against him. His gaze was hard, and yet something swam underneath its surface that his zanpakuto had never seen before. Melancholy, it guessed? They weren't quite sure.

Kyoka pressed on when Aizen remained quiet. "The taste in the back of your mouth. Have you figured out what it was? You know it quite well....."

Aizen's tongue grazed the roof of his mouth, sensing the rather unpleasant taste that has coated the inside of it. And within a moment, because he was faced with the current circumstances, Aizen had finally placed a name associated this particular taste. How unfortunate this was.

Upon his realization, Aizen's head lowered, and his brown tresses hung freely over his lashes. Perhaps it was so Kyoka couldn't properly see whatever remorseful expression painted their master's face, but it mattered not. Even from here, the sword spirit could already sense exactly what it was he was feeling.

And they loved it.

"It's a sweet and flavorful taste, isn't it? Quite lovely." Kyoka Suigetsu mimicked the exact words he uttered against your lips all those years ago when he tasted jasmine tea on your tongue, and sealed your death with a kiss. "It's too bad you don't seem to enjoy it anymore."

Aizen's chest continued to rise and fall calmly, and the hands of his sword spirit that rested there glided upwards to cup his strong jaw, caressing his skin with its thumb. Its phantasmic touch did nothing to stir their master.

"Sōsuke, do you know what the jasmine flower from that tea symbolizes?"

Aizen's lips were slightly parted, but again he didn't say anything. Instead, its corners twitched and lifted upwards by an inch, and he huffed softly.

Kyoka Suigetsu grinned in reply. "Good."

The next time Aizen blinked, he was plunged in darkness yet again. The restrictive feeling that swallowed his being whole had returned, and was an indicator that his zanpakuto had released him from his inner world. He was consciously back in the Mugen, back in this abyss they called a prison cell.

Kyoka was indeed as much as a formidable force in its own right, as much as, if not greater than Aizen himself.

The conversation he had with his sword spirit would be cemented in his head for all eternity. When he grew senile and began to physically wither away, the one thing that would remain vital like a young heart, was this epiphany that he had. This realization that he actually . . . .

As the chains of despair bound him tighter to the bottom of the metaphorical pit, regret and his loneliness corroding his flesh and spirit like metal exposed to moisture, a stray memory of his time in Hueco Mundo flashed in his mind. He recalled having tea prepared for meetings with his Espadas and he could not pinpoint when, but at some point, Aizen developed an aversion for jasmine flavored tea. For one reason or another, he no longer found its taste appealing; whenever he drank it, it always tasted bitter.

Now that reason had become painstakingly clear.

The binding on his mouth muffled a rueful chuckle at the though, and it trapped the flavor of jasmine on his lips.

(#) @soaringmirror @stygianoir @ryukenzz @blkjupiters @chrissie2003 @nymphoheretic @dejwrld @triangularz @souyaszn @kuujo @honeybleed @valentineluvu . let me know if you’d like to be apart of my tag list ♡♡.

[umbraastaff]

I'd love to hear your general thoughts on the new gn! I personally think Wonderland was a little rushed, but I loved reunion tour.

was fun in some ways and fell short in others! i overall i agree with you on that as well. more specific thoughts, in no particular order:

some really really cool visuals in this book. lucretia in the hourglass at the start, some awesome panels with space and the hunger and stuff... barry regaining his memories on page 212 is probably my favorite page in the whole book

the choice to make the Chug & Squeeze be painting instead of pottery is baffling to me. the title of the place made sense with the original… the choice to change it so that it doesn't fit, and then also make fun of that, feels a bit like i am being made fun of as a fan/audience member, regardless of whatever the original intent was

(compounded with the total loss of the original depth in this scene… no vulnerability from taako, just a good 'ol fanservice kiss…)

similarly bizarre, the choice to make lucretia lose 30 years instead of 20...? 20 not bad enough? she needed to be 60 instead of 50? what's happening lol

i feel vindicated on a spiritual level for being the only person i can remember drawing mullet ponytail barry - like 95% of fanart i see draws him either short haired or with long hair free n out like in HTBG graphic novel... never ponytails. im winning

more bafflement with magnus even THINKING on the question of forgetting julia... the kalen thing is a much more interesting conflict to me given (a) it makes sense to be uncertain about and (b) relates directly back to his love for julia. and they established AND NAMED kalen in eleventh hour, why not use that...

feels like they swing back and forth on how much they trust the audience to pick up subtext... being hit over the head with magnus continuing the "id hate it shut the fuck up" thing to rly look at the camera and wink and tell us how much he loves julia, but then the comic version of the "love barry trust barry" was VERY dependent on picking up cues and seeing taako's attitude change

speaking of, i did really love the "love barry trust barry" scene. and both times lup jumps into barry's arms is so cute ugh

i know it's a product of how rushed everything has to be putting 10+ hours of audio into a singular COMIC book, but for fuck's sake, removing KEATS..........?????? so now lydia & edward have no depth??? & no parallel/foreshadowing for the way liches work??? OKAY???

mannequin magnus design and the way they enabled him to do expressions was preddy good. enjoyed it. also the whole possession + wonderland final fight action is cool and fun

while i am disappointed the bell is all fancy and weird instead of being a very plain and small thing as it was described in canon (which felt more in character for barry), i DO really really really like the flower on top... the wither-and-bloom motif... tasty

oh yeah griffin disappearing is such a great way to foreshadow a thing beyond planes coming down to consume... ahh i love playing with meta stuff

so so much good barry content man. so much. thank god we got so much good fun reunion tour stuff. hes so dumb as rocks i love him

actually pretty cool they more explicitly canonized the explanation for barry physically attacking davenport. also barry/lucretia interaction so so so so good

as cute as the original scene is with them planning and writing the note for magnus' body, i think the way they split the party in this version was smart

i dont need to contribute more to the pool on fan feelings on blue twins, BUT given there was no choice but to have her be blue, lup is very cute

taako falling to his knees instead of like pointing the staff at lucretia... :/ eh

given how much literally this entire series has suffered from being so scrunched up, i'm also not SUPER looking forward to stolen century and S&S being condensed into one book, but ohhhh wellllll

TL;DR i don't really read these books because i have a lot of faith in the way they Tell The Story, but it still had a lot of fun moments and scenes and visuals that got my heart! fun to see thorough visual takes on my fave podcast.

[corvidcrybaby]

Hello! After scrolling your blog, I must say, you have a very unique and pretty art style, i absolutely adore it. You have fantastic art I must say. Any inspiration for it?

OMGGGGG this is such a sweet message to open up to, thank you for this compliment, I take it as a high honor to have people wonder about my inspirations hahaha

As for the big one, it's honestly the man himself, Hirano. There's just so much of his approach to art that I've been so taken with ever since I first discovered it. His rendering is utterly jaw-dropping, and his sense of unique style never fails to inspire me. I love how distinctive and evocative all his trademarks are - all the duster coats and the creative ways he uses them in his panel compositions, the iconic facial expressions (I especially love how he draws scared faces and the way he draws teeth on characters when they're in a predatory position in the story, human or vampire) and his methods of hatch shading and rendering. More than anything, though, I love his sense of posing and character design and how those interact. His art has such a striking marriage of those two things and the aforementioned panel composition. His art inspired me to try to understand anatomy better and the elements of character design that might allow me to one day compose something that has the sheer level of coolness that bleeds from every page of his art, especially the title pages. There's such aesthetic maximalism to all his characters. That, and I love his use of heavy lines, sharp, angular edges in his lineart, and just GAAAAHHHHH I love his art so damned much. It makes me turn to my own art and say "how can I make this cooler," and especially in the aspect of visual storytelling that one can accomplish with a character's design. I'm aimlessly rambling but this is really the biggest one.

Beyond this, I've drawn from a really random grab bag of interests. There are a handful of artists online throughout the years whose work I've really enjoyed and found evocative inspiration in. Back in my teenhood I was enamored with the Nuzlocke comic community, with entries like this one and especially this one and the artists respectively, and even attempted one of my own that is now lost to the sands of the internet's endless aether (but if I'm being honest, I'd probably be wildly embarrassed if somebody found those, hahaha). Beyond this, it's a hodgepodge of inspirations like graphic novels and video games I've been super into. Halo, Borderlands, Fallout and the like all get a nod here, in that order. Zemira herself is basically an ODST. I also tend to absorb elements from more cartoon-leaning elements that I really like from random artists that cross my dash. I'd also give a nod to the 2003 Star Wars: The Clone Wars series in terms of the way it exaggerates certain features for stylistic ease.

Thanks so much for the ask!!

[yuukei-yikes]

Do you have any headcanons about Hibiya's relationships with the rest of the Dan after the series? I was always a little disappointed we didn't really get to see him interact much with anyone besides hiyori, konoha, and momo. I would have loved to see him properly integrated as a member of the group and hanging out with them 🥲

YESSSSS I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN MEANING TO DRAW HIBIYA HANGING OUT WITH EVERYONE SEPARATELY TO LIKE POINT OUT DYNAMICS but then i never did 💔 i still will at some point

hibiya is the mekakushi dan's little brother.

0. ayano's big sister radar goes off incredibly fast when meeting hibiya. she spoils the hell out of him because hibiya is largely independent and already has momo as a big sister for emotional stuff so when ayano's like WANT ME TO PATCH UP THE HOLE IN UR SHIRT hibiya's like what. i know how to do that myself. and ayano's like fine i will buy your love if i must. so she's always taking him shopping and asking if he needs anything new. he comes back every summer to the city with broken ass sandals and ayano's always sending him back with shiny new ones. he still rly enjoys having her around but he looks at her more in a motherly light than sisterly. he'd DIE before admitting it tho

1. srry to play the cooking card with kido again but. hibiya and kido cooking together :) i think kido is very impressed with hibiya's cooking and hibiya is SUPER used to being taken for granted so when they point it out to him he almost bursts into tears. i think hibiya is always looking for compliments from kido bc kido is super cool and The Leader and they kinda have a teacher's pet dynamic LMAOO hibiya is always asking kido if he can help with any chores so of course it works and he's kido's favorite student. if this was a class which is not. so he's just a rly helpful kid kido enjoys having around and hibiya loves that kido is really normal. also kidomomo. yeah. hibiya and his lesbian moms. also kido teaches hibiya how to bind. ratio

2. with seto... i remember reading this fic in ff/net back in the golden days of kagepro (so like. 10 years ago) that was like hibiya resenting seto bc he was still hurting abt hiyori and while everyone died with a loved one seto lost a DOG. i thought it was so funny bc it's so immature but seems so in character for hibiya. also in the novels when hibiya is unconscious he's taken to seto's room. i think hibiya thinks the whole dan act like fools (bc they ARE) but kind of respects and looks up to seto because hibiya is 12 and according to my intensely calculated family headcanons was raised in a toxic masculinity household so he sees this Buff Guy getting up at 5am everyday and holds more than one job for his family...he's like (nod nod nod) and he also really respects how seto refuses to use his eye power because of its. erm. unethical nature. hibiyas like UGH SETO IS SO COOL SUCH A MAN'S MAN. seto is mostly oblivious to this and always always always ruffles hibiyas hair. everyone does this but seto is the only one hibiya doesnt yell at

3. i think kano would go easy on hibiya cuz he's a kid but not entirely bc if kano isnt totally insufferable to everyone he knows at least once a day he gets sick and dies. i think kano tries to do the big sibling thing abt convincing the little brother of a total bullshit lie like basically his hobbie is gaslighting hibiya for fun. hibiya goes screaming for kido to make him stop lol. also kano's the one who's always saying shit like hibiya is 8 years old. even when hibiya's an adult kano's like how old are u again. u turned like 15 right

4. man mary tries acting SOOOO GROWN UP to hibiya she's like desperately trying to seem like a cool older sister but on purpose. with everyone else it's kind of natural but she is actively trying. momo bestie so also around a lot and sees how momo (hibiyas big sister #1) acts around him and tries doing the same and hibiya's like. this is pathetic. but still endearing and accepts it LOL he's also respectful of mary bc he's well aware of her role in their survival so he's like SIGHS okay

6. takane is everyone's demise because she introduces hibiya to smartphones and gaming. like hibiya rly wanted a smartphone right and then he makes all these friends and has to go back to the village so he takes an intensive course ran by takane abt how to use a phone. which is all good. but the thing is she is ALSO like ur so weird kid. here. play some amongus. this is how amongus hibiya can still win. everyone like vinnie hibiya cant be a fortnite kid bc he has no idea abt gaming he doesnt even have a phone WELL i got news for u buddy my fave character is takane and im also totally delusional. she is the reason hibiya is texting the gc in total typos asking if anyone wants to among us. and he's so thankful to her he expresses his gratitude thru sending her amongus and minecraft memes he finds around that she's seen a thousand times but it's rly endearing. also hibiya is shintaro coded so takane knows how to handle him sorry im so delusional abt their friendship (holds their chapter together from novel eight close to my chest)

7. eheheheheh. like i said. hibiya is shintaro coded like in canon both momo and takane say hibiya reminds them of shintaro like he's a little shin. and momo adopting hibiya means shintaro gets little brother by default too. his ass is always at HIS HOUSE!!!! i talked abt this in a post once abt how seeing hibiya and momo together makes shintaro want to try a little harder at being a big brother. i think they like each other and shintaro always lets hibiya sit in his room if momo is being too insane, and hibiya sometimes is like well shintaro's actually pretty normal!! (immediately sees him act a fool bc ofc he does) eugh. also shintaro helps hibiya with his summer hw, i think hibiya's a good student but appreciates the help and tells shintaro he thinks he'd make a rly good teacher and continues writing down on his hw all casually while shintaro has to act like he didn't get all choked up hearing that

9. i've talked abt the haruka and hibiya shitshow lol but again i love the idea of hibiya just totally refusing to acknowledge konoha's gone and keeps kicking and screaming abt it. bc if konoha is rly gone then it means he regrets everything bc he was so mean to it and its bc of it hiyori is alive (hiyori doesnt act this way bc she's well aware of it) and that SUCKS. so hibiya largely avoids haruka and isn't all that into how hiyori is really accepting of him and all. and haruka is also like. awkwardly trying to approach him because it's the least he can do in konoha's memory but hibiya's like hissing at him. eventually hibiya would accept it after a couple breakdowns. i think momo also punches some sense into him. i want hibiya to lash out at haruka and scream all sorts of things at him abt how it's not fair konoha is gone and like who even is he and just overall say all the things haruka is already super insecure about but then it ends on hibiya sobbing in his arms abt how much he misses konoha. and haruka can only hug him back and apologize :(

[somehowmags]

also honestly, girl at an all boys school has been such a common trope for YEARS like. i know not everyone is insane like i was and went through a gacha phase but the fandom was literally 1/5 built off a girl mc in an all boys school trope. obviously we were all kids when we made it so gacha mvs weren't the best for the portrayal of nuanced, gendered issues or specifically, proper handling of misogyny for the matter but like. the theme itself definitely not weird as bad as people think. yuu literally got their asscheeks yoinked to an alternate world them being a girl is the least of their concerns. if any thing, it can be more interesting to see how characters differently interact with yuu and come to build positive, intimate and meaningful relationships with her especially as guys who have had limited interactions with girls, so both yuu and the characters learn from each other putting aside the main character development in the storyline. adding onto the feeling of the divide yuu would feel at the beginning as someone who's both from another world and of another gender in nrc. these girl in an all boys school plots often end up as a harem story where the mcs are just a blank slate in the character drama. and i hate it cause most of the times it ends up perpetuating the notion that guys can never be friends with girls due to romantic or sexual interest electing the girls as either someone to possess in a relationship or someone not suited to them at all, just generally being misogynistic pricks, or actually being a decent friend to a girl is humiliating and a sign of inferiority. or girls just aren't as interesting. my best friend is the lesbian to my gay twink and building relationships with people fundamentally different than you can be so, so beautiful and fulfilling. i love seeing girls and guys just being HOMIES!!! seeing fem yuu's learn and stumble and grow with the nrc and just. overall people drawing and writing their yuu's with their favorite character is like fuck, speak your truth man. to be honest i was mainly speaking about the inexperienced first years but just any character. malleus, lilia, vil, etc etc. let's go yuu nation

tdlr its a really intriguing dynamic and allows for a lot of possibilities a fan could think of. masc yuu's are great, gn yuu's are great, fem yuu's are great. some twsties need to LET OTHER twsties just enjoy their whimsical thoughts.

YES YES YES YES EXACTLY AGREEING WITH ALL OF THIS!!!! having a girl in an all boys school or a boy in an all girls school has been a trope for years, and sure sometimes it is used for uh. fanservice. but when it is properly explored it can be a really interesting trope!

i saw someone say once (before yuuka came out) that there shouldn't be an official fem yuu because then the studio would HAVE to canonize a yuu ship which is soooooo. firstly why would having a fem mc mean that you have to ship them with someone, and secondly what about the studio implies that they would ever do that, and thirdly what an ass backwards misogynistic take, and fourthly you have to understand that f/m and f/f ships are not lesser than m/m. please LKAHSDFLKASDHFLKH the lengths people go to to justify not liking fem yuus. i laugh but it sucks going in the twst tags sometimes because people are so mean its depressing.

nyeah i feel like fandom is a bit like. too romance focused. people can do whatever the hell they want forever ofc! i like shipping also! i am known to enjoy an reader insert fic! i buy romance novels and play otomes all the time ajksldfhlakshdfasldhf but it sucks when its all that there is yknow. i love pushing dolls faces together to make them kiss but sometimes i would also like to play something else.

i also wish there was less disdain towards different yuus. like man we're all stuck in disney anime boy hell can't you guys suffer with dignity like the rest of us instead of being mean. we should all hold hands and imagine our favorite characters together.

[ashcadence]

kunikida and/or albert moriarty

Send Me a Character & I'll Tell You✨️

We'll do Kunikida first since I have more opinions about him then I do Albert.

My first impression - What's the deal with that dumb-ass ponytail. I already don't like him.

My impression now - One of my favorite characters. I think he's severely underrated within the fandom. I'm always so excited when there's a Kunikida based episode or arc!

Favorite thing about that character - The fact that he's kind of intense, but still responsible. Most characters who are very explosive, are very unlikable (in my opinion) but the fact he cares for people and his explosive personality is not all he is really draws me to the character.

Least favorite thing - That fuckin' ponytail. I would think he's good-looking if it wasn't for that ponytail.

Favorite line/scene - Right at the beginning of the anime when he's reading off the list of complaints from Dazai's clients, and doing the voices. Then his whole episode with Aya. I loved that episode because it got to showcase his intelligence for once in the entire series.

Favorite interaction that character has with another - I can't really say there are any that stick out to me, so I'm just going to go with the obvious and say him and Dazai.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more - I'd like to see more of him, Atsushi, and Kyoka together. I think the dynamics would be really interesting.

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character - I'm terrible at this question. I never really compare characters from fandoms, so this isn't a character that reminds me of him, but I think Kunikida and Louis from Moriarty the Patriot would get along really well. They could be stressed together lol.

A headcanon about that character - Is really into the fishkeeping hobby. I could see him loving the specifics and science behind it.

A song that reminds of that character - Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons. It's not the lyrics but just the general vibes and sound of the song.

An unpopular opinion about that character - I once got sent death threats over this opinion, but I think he's a better and healthier partner for Dazai compared to Chuuya.

Favorite picture - This used to be my profile pic on TikTok for awhile

Send Me a Character & I'll Tell You✨️

Time for Albert! (These answers might be disappointing 'cuz I don't have a lot to say)

My first impression - I hate this character.

My impression now - I still hate him. I appreciate him within the story and Moriarty the Patriot wouldn't be Moriarty the Patriot without him and he's a very interesting character. Doesn't mean I have to like him. And I'm 99% sure the only reason I hate him is because he reminds me of someone I know irl who I hold a massive grudge against. I am glad other people are able to enjoy Albert's character! I would probably like him if it wasn't for my grudge...

Favorite thing about that character - I do like his hair color.

Least favorite thing - If I listed everything, it would literally just be attacking the entire character, and most of it isn't actual critiques.

Favorite line/scene - I honestly don't have an answer for this one.

Favorite interaction that character has with another - Him and Moran. Idk if you've read the light novel where they have a drinking contest, but it's fantastic.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more - I need more of him and Moran bantering.

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character - Once again, I don't have one.

A headcanon about that character - He really likes white wine, but doesn't drink it because it's not as aesthetically pleasing as red wine.

A song that reminds of that character - Eat You Alive by The Oh Hellos

An unpopular opinion about that character - Umm... I think me disliking him is probably unpopular opinion enough.

Favorite picture - I actually don't have one for this.

[dongzhou3kingdoms]

Tales of Three Kingdoms Yue Jin

So latest news letter from Baptiste. His usual warmth comes across and his sense of humour, also some fun images of 3k figures and drawings. His third book, with an appropriate date for the 3kingdom fan, is coming out and I do look forward to seeing how Dynasty Killers covers some of those famous battles and the Han vs Cao Cao.

We get to the front cover of Dynasty Killers (this will go well for the Han). The close up really allows you to admire the artisary on the swords and armour, the choice of Chinese characters on the sword really adds an ominous feel

Also done a bonus tales from Yue Jin who Baptiste loves (I mean somebody out there has to right?) and sells as to why in newsletter. I came into the chapter as someone who was more "I like the author's work" then "oooh Yue Jin" but in the novels, he been a notable student along with people like Xu Chu and Liao Hua, a figure who has been progressing and being of good aid to Liao Hua. His famed traits of bravery and shortness had not been overused and he is a rising figure but one that hadn't had the most focus on.

I really enjoyed what he did with this, fleshing out Yue Jin (and others) and providing a different perspective while making an enjoyable origin tale.

Minor Spoilers below line

So there are some, deliberate judging by the newsletter and a joke made, similarities with Liao Hua (I do love the figures from outside providing perspective of the powerful) but avoids the potential trap as not too similar, this is distinct from Liao Hua. The young villager perspective to someone arriving (in this case, Cao Cao and a few others) is intresting particularly with a different set of circumstances, this is Yue Jin seeing Cao Cao and co for the first time. What Cao Cao and others looked like for the heads of a local community arriving, the little power-plays and signals. A Yue Jin of a better station then Liao Hua, a family he nicely plays off and a burning desire that feels different to Liao Hua but comes across powerfully.

Yue Jin comes across well, again Baptiste resists the urge to lean too much into his height while also using it to flesh out his life expirence. Nice dynamic with his family, particularly the father and watching some local politics at play between Cao Cao and Yue Ding was fun. I liked that Yue Ding wasn't a useless figure for Yue Jin to pour scorn at but someone who knows what he is doing and thus made his local man vs warlord an intresting tussle of perspectives and ambitions (as well as Yue Jin's own desires)

It is well written, builds up skilfully to it's big moment and key decisions and the reveal of a certain figure while providing more about not just Yue Jin but another figure (who doesn't say much but use of appearance, of his reactions, builds a sense of the figure before the reveal) with a fun interaction at the end.

[solreads]

Foxfire in the Snow - Review

Title: Foxfire in the Snow

Author: J.S. Fields

Series: The Alchemical Duology #1

Genre: Fantasy

Audience: Young Adult

Format: Novel

Representation: Nonbinary POV character

Summary: Confined by the wishes of their mother, a master woodcutter, for an heir, but enthralled by the promise of alchemy, Sorin, at age seventeen, has yet to start an apprenticeship. Instead, they’ve spent years isolated in the woods helping their mother with her craft. All the while they experiment with pigments extracted from fungi and a new solvent called bone oil which they dream of presenting at the alchemical guild fair to earn their place as an alchemist if only their mother would allow them to go. 

When their mother fails to return from a trip and their home is attacked, Sorin runs from their old life to the capital and the promise of an alchemical apprenticeship. But the queendom changed while they were tucked away in the forest. Guild members are disappearing and the Queen has vanished with them. Industrialization and strange magic threaten the country’s way of life and its citizens. 

When confronted by their childhood friend, the Royal Daughter Magda, Sorin begrudgingly agrees to join her on a journey to find both their mothers and the lost guild masters. To do so they must travel to an enchanted glacier dotted with the insidious magic amulets of a former tyrant and face the deadly environment, the forces that draw the guilders towards it, and their own muddled identity: neither a man nor a woman in a society strictly defined by the gender binary; not entirely a woodcutter nor an alchemist nor a witch and ever more unsure of which path to take. 

Reflections: Elements of this world and this story hooked me, but on the whole, the disparate pieces of the story didn’t come together or didn’t fully engage me. The alchemy was one of the elements that initially made me want to pick up the book. The blending of science and magic or the scientific approach to magic are approaches I often enjoy in fantasy. Sorin’s work with fungal extracts and their interactions with various solvents was a unique direction to take. Their excitement in experimenting and thrill at their discoveries also immediately made me sympathetic to their stubborn desire to take this path against their mother’s wishes. 

However, after getting hooked in the introduction, I never really became grounded in the story, like it wasn’t moving forward in any tangible way. In part, this may have been because the plot quickly went in a direction that distanced it from the main character’s goals and anything they cared about. They are drawn in the wake of another character, somewhat unhappily, but mostly just with disinterested grumbling. 

Sorin as a character was also so malleable at times their opinions and beliefs almost became nonsensical. Their views on alchemy and magic and their convictions about who they were and what they wanted flip-flop wildly. There was some insight into why but it often didn't feel strong enough or it was hard to follow why they abandoned or accepted some way of thinking so completely given their previous beliefs. I didn’t feel whatever emotions must have been driving that. 

Sorin’s relationship to their gender as a nonbinary person in a culture that doesn’t have (or doesn’t have widely known?) concepts or language for that experience was well written. In their narration, they articulated the struggle of essentially having social dysphoria that they couldn’t resolve and having discomfort with their body as a result, but not inherently having physical dysphoria on their own. It impacted their relationships (romantic and familial) and the way they interacted with society. Sorin couldn’t or wouldn’t even express much of their experience or what they want from other people outside of their own head. Relatable, but I wish they would have. I wish there could have been some progression. Please communicate instead of always being frustrated and miserable. 

Also weird to me was Magda's treatment as heir to the throne. The queen mysteriously vanished (that’s sort of downplayed too). Thus Magda was essentially acting queen at a time when it was crucial for the queendom to have their royalty present to represent them, but nobody cared when she ditched her duties to go on this quest personally; she ran around without any guards; and her life was openly threatened with no consequences.

Warnings: Depictions of misgendering, dysphoria, self-harm in response to dysphoria. 

Notes on Rep: MC identifies as not a man, not a woman, and not in between, but there are no words in their world for their identity.

[jessreviewsthings]

📚 Book Review 📚

Seventh Veil of Salome by Silvia Moren-Garcia

Jess Summary: Multi-timeline, multi-POV following Salome of ancient times as well as the production of the faux film "Seventh Veil of Salome."

Jess Review:

I read this book and listened to the audiobook. I enjoyed the narrators of the multiple male and female characters throughout the book. I have listened to a few SMG audiobooks (Silver Nitrate being one of them) and found the narration to really add to the tone of the books as well as the mystique that is characteristic of SMG’s writing.

What impressed me was the distinct perspectives throughout the POVs — particularly Salome's chapters/excerpts.

I am a fan of SMG's writing in general with some books preferred to others and I felt this one started a bit quicker than some of her other stories (again, referencing Silver Nitrate). I felt the mystery was built sooner with teasers like these (hope it’s not illegal to post these screenshots/book excerpts 😬).

In classic SMG fashion, everything builds in the last 15-20% of the book and I really loved seeing how everything played out amongst the three main female voices.

I really believed Vera’s innocence and sincerity. I really abhorred (and therefore believed) Nancy’s entitlement and vitriol. And Salome. Oh, Salome of olden times, cursed to be a woman with one of my favorite quotes from the book:

Rating:

Characters: 5/5 — Salome, Vera and Nancy are well-flushed out with distinct voices.

Plot/storyline: 4/5 — I was intrigued to see how everything would connect and play out. I appreciated how the Hollywood storylines segued well with Salome’s timeline; e.g., Salome’s interactions with Agrippa of being “irrevocably intertwined” give nice foreshadowing of what is to come with Vera and her love interest. Some parts dragged and I was grateful for the audiobook, particularly in Salome’s portions because man these ancient times humans have difficult-to-keep-track-of-who-is-who names.

Storytelling: 5/5 — the distinct voices of the three main characters are the draw for me for this book. I cannot wax poetically enough about it (clearly).

Predictability: 4/5 — I acknowledge as below in the “Jess Notes” this was due to coming in with zero information and a few unvalidated expectations. The drama SMG builds throughout the novel regarding Nancy and Vera give you enough hints to know bad things are coming for our lead. Called the death but only a chapter or two before it occurred.

Spice/Smut: 1/5 — No explicit smut. The sex scenes and their descriptions make sense depending on the character.

Overall: Would recommend for a fascinating take on Biblical and old Hollywood times. Not one of my favorites of the year, but definitely a good read.

Jess Notes: **Slightly spoliery**

I have read a great deal of Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s work and tend to go in to a lot of books these days without reading publisher summaries. As such, I was quite confused when I was through 86% of the book (thank you Kindle for that precise number) to discover there was no supernatural element. It wasn’t disappointing, but it was surprising. The story seemed to hint that it would overlap somewhere, but clearly that was me reading in to time-space overlap. Vera and Nancy definitely overlap IYKYK.

[ot3]

Okay, we once again have an overwhelming victor. So lets get into it.

I expect disagreement on some of these but hear me out.

YURI ENTHUSIASTS -

Phoenix: Now this may seem strange to some people but I've always in my head viewed Phoenix as a shoujo manga enjoyer and I feel it would be very easy for him to accidentally pick up a yuri or two without realizing based on the cover and have it awaken something in him. Essentially the inverted version of a teen girl realizing she's not straight by getting into yaoi. He likes cute drawings of girls and sappy but fraught romances.

Lana: dyke

Adrian: dyke

Franziska: also a dyke but i don't think she's as in touch with it as the other two are and is coming at it more from the misandry angle. She rationalizes it that she likes yuri because she is not interested in foolish men and their petty squabbles which is true.

Susato: over identifying with the cross dressing princely female leads

Sholmes: i fully admit i have no objective grounds on which to rationalize this one it just feels right to me.

YAOI ENTHUSIASTS -

Ema: When I was talking about teen girls realizing theyre not straight by getting into yaoi that's what's going on with ema.

Maya: presented as a fujoshi in certain extracanonical materials and i support this take enthusiastically.

Mia: she's just here to objectify men. I think a lot of BL is too twinky for her though.

Kristoph: Doesn't care about women's stories.

Asougi: Also here to objectify men

Oldbag: Now you may want to peg her as terminally het, which is true, but she's one of those women who is so terminally het that the idea of the fictional men she finds fuckable having female love interests completely puts her off, since they're not her. would be going absolutely hogwild on kindle unlimited erotica if she knew how to do that

HET ENTHUSIASTS -

Gumshoe: I just think he's a man whose media interests are pretty mainstream and by default that means he is exposed almost exclusively to hetero arcs

Iris: We all know what she and phoenix were like when they were together lets be real

Pearl: Pearl is into ROMANCES romances. hallmark style. what if an unrealistically perfect and hunky dude fell for the down to earth everywoman who really loved him

Klaiver: klavier's taste in wish fulfillment romance media is exactly the same as pearl's but from the opposite point of view. a beautiful friendship could bloom here.

Justine: I just think she's into really high drama network tv, prestige tv, telenovelas and soaps, etc. Feels right

Greg: Definitely has old man media tastes and is into black and white golden age hollywood films

GEN ENTHUSIASTS -

Edgeworth: I know a lot of people see edgeworth as being into steel samurai yaoi but that's not my vision. I think edgeworth's feelings around romance and sexuality are fraught and having to think about that during the little time in his life he takes to fucking chill out for once his NOT his idea of a good time. i think the reason he likes tokusatsu in particular is because it is so free of the trappings of adult life that are so stressful to him in the real world.

Kay: She likes heist movies and action movies and ninja movies and shonen anime and sentai stuff and doesn't care whether or not anyones kissing during them.

Apollo: Just doesn't really give a shit about romance in general i think. it doesn't narratively compel him. he's more interested in cool worldbuilding and platonic character interaction

Trucy: She's fine with romance in media but it's not her main draw. shes watching magical girl anime and other various shit where tweens save the world with the power of friendship. i think overall she's mostly into adventure/fantasy stuff

Lang: also into the action and heists movies kay is into and they should really just go watch the new fast and furious together. likes procedurals too.

Iris: She's writin them mystery novels bayybeeeee!!

DOES NOT RECREATIONALLY ENJOY MEDIA -

I just think none of these guys are particularly big readers or watchers of things. like they'll do it incidentally but narrative media just isnt particularly big on their priority list

democratically selected posting was a good idea. let's do another. comment with your post ideas and i'll make a poll out of them to see what we're Posting about today

[owletowo]

Desmond Calloway

Character from @mortalheroseries

[sweetnsinfull]

Tall Over Ice | K. Bakugo x E. Kirishima |

⪀Pairing: K. Bakugo. X Fem!Reader X E. Kirishima

⪀Word Count: 4.8k

⪀Summary: You’ve never been all that great at relationships, so as school winds to a close and summer break draws near, you decide to spend your 3 months of freedom with your nose buried in new books, rather than hanging out with friends you don’t have. Luckily for you, two Barnes and Noble baristas just happens to catch your attention, and suddenly you find yourself crushing on the boyishly charming Kirishima, and the gruff, romance novel loving Bakugo.

⪀Rating: Explicit

⪀Genre: Porn with a teensy bit of plot.

⪀Warnings: Minors DO NOT Interact!! Vaginal sex, threesome, Alcohol consumption, Slight Dub Con (reader is drunk, but not off their ass), cumming inside (wear a condom please), teasing, one instance of dumbification and mild degradation.

���AN: I’ve had this bad boy in the drafts for the last two weeks. I got addicted to drawing my OC again, and totally got side tracked. This work is a part of @miriobaby ‘s university collab! Thanks for letting me participate! If you really enjoy it, please consider reblogging, rather than just liking it.

DISCLAIMER: All of the characters I write for are aged up. Thanks!

Relationships never quite worked out the way you wanted them to. Things were just too complicated. It was nearly impossible to balance 21 credit hours at your university, the part time job you’d picked up, keeping your apartment clean and trying to keep up with a partner, let alone a sexual one. After two failed relationships and an attempt at a friends with benefits situation, you gave up. Your social life was pretty much dead. Occasionally you’d chitchat with your roommate in the laundry room, or drop by one of your professors offices to shoot the shit, but you really didn’t have friends. Instead, you buried yourself into your studies, and video games once in a blue moon, anything to keep your mind off of how lonely you felt.

Close to the end of the semester, you chose to use one of your rare days off to go to the Barnes and Nobles in town, with the intent on getting a new book to keep your attention. Summer break was just around the corner, meaning you’d finally be able to get back into reading for pleasure, one of your preferred past times when there wasn’t any school work to keep you busy. You climbed into your beat up Honda Civic, buckled yourself in, and made your way to one of your favorite stores.

Barnes and Nobles was rather quiet for a Saturday, just a few people meandering here and there, with books or journals tucked under their arms. You went straight for the historical fiction section, hoping to pick up some sort of romance novel set in World War Two, or a dystopian Western. As your eyes scanned up and down the shelves, occasionally you’d pluck a book from the display, flip it over in your hands and skim the summary to see if it peaked your interests. While you had decided beforehand that you would only get one book, there were three that caught your interest. You had extra money in your ‘Dick around it’s summer’ budget anyway, so with a small shrug, you carried your chosen three to the register and paid for them. On your way out, you decided that a drink was in order since you’d skipped breakfast, and the sweet smell of fresh brewed coffee wafting over you as you headed for the exit was calling your name.

The barista was a tall man, with wild blond hair sticking out from beneath the green visor that adorned his head. Red eyes met yours, knocking a bit of air from your lungs with just how intense this man looked, while wiping down a countertop of all things. “Gimme a minute.” He said gruffly, earning a click of the teeth from someone you couldn’t quite see behind a curtain a short, dark curtain, covering a doorway.

“Bakugo, that’s not polite.” The voice called, slipping past the curtain to reveal wildly broad shoulders beneath a tan turtleneck and long red hair tied up in a messy bun. His green apron was decorated with various brightly colored buttons that clink together as he walked over. Your eyes caught a couple of them with silly sayings, making your lips twitch upwards into a smile. “Sorry, he’s new. What can I get for you today?” He asks kindly, grinning and showing off a pearly white row of pointy looking teeth.

“No, it’s cool.” You brush off with a small shrug, offering a sympathetic smile. “I work in retail. I totally get it. Could I get a tall, iced cold brew with a shot of espresso?” You ordered, already fishing around your purse for your wallet to pay.

“Sure thing, love! What’s the name for that order?” He quickly replies, the little term of endearment making your cheeks heat up ever so slightly. You relay your name to him, and watch the blond bustle around the small area, pouring things into a cup before he calls your name and presses the cup into your palm, with a little green straw.

“Thank you!” You chirp, offering him an appreciative smile that makes him blush this time, as he shrugs back at you, and turns back to the redhead, who waves at you, calling after you to have a great day. If you would’ve had cash, you would’ve tipped them both. You’ll have to remember that for next time.

The summer passed by much too quickly. Every few weeks you return to follow the same cycle. Buy a couple books, grab a drink at the café, and chit chat with the baristas, who you come to learn are Kirishima and Bakugo, both seniors at your university who had been best friends in high school, and started dating their freshman year of college. You learned that Kirishima was the sweeter and more open of the two. He always had a bright smile on his handsome face, and he’d frequently up your drink size or hand you a cake pop or a scone just because “you deserve a little something sweet”. Bakugo is a little more rough around the edges. Quiet and almost always broody, it’s not uncommon for you to catch him reading a book, though you would’ve never guessed he was a bookworm from that gruff persona he always wears. He would occasionally give you freebies as well, though even a brush of his hand against yours while he passed you your drink made him fluster, a dark blush coating his cheeks while he huffed out a “whatever” when you thanked him.

Slowly, a surface level friendship began to blossom between the three of you. Bakugo liked giving you romance novel recommendations, and Kirishima loved to talk about comic books or space or dinosaurs, only feeding the familiar feeling of boyish charm you got from him. It came as a bit of a surprise, when the redhead slid you a napkin with his number on it, as he handed you your usual drink order, something both men had come to memorize.

“There’s a party to kick off the start of the semester on Saturday at one of the frat houses. I don’t know if you’re the p-“

You cut him off before he can even finish, excitement bubbling in your gut at the word party alone. “Sure! I’ve actually never been to a college party, so this will be my first. Any sorta dress code I should be aware of?” You ask, sipping your coffee and eyeing the number messily scrawled on the brown napkin. Kirishima shrugs, that goofy, crooked smile playing on his face, a smile that always seemed to quicken the beating of your heart. Maybe you had a little bit of a crush, something that made you feel a bit guilty. Crushing on someone’s partner was pretty dirty, but both of them were gay. There was no way they were leaving one another to get with you, anyway.

“Wear whatever is comfortable! If you want, you can shoot us a text and we’ll come grab you from your place?” He offers, bringing you out of your guilty thoughts. You nod, trying to play off your earlier train of thought.

“Gotcha. I can do that. I’ll see you two lovebirds on Saturday then!”

Saturday is a mess. You’d decided you wanted to get your hair done, which had taken so much longer than you’d planned for, which in turn made you late for your nail appointment, which left you rushing around your apartment, holding up dresses and considering something more casual. It was a frat party, after all, not some sort of fall formal. Finally, when your make up was done, and your hair was perfect, you pulled your phone off of charger to send Kirishima a text.

Hey! I’m ready. I’m in the Lakeview Apartment Building. If you text me, I’ll come right down, okay?

You read, and reread the message a few times before pressing send, anxiety eating at you, as you slide on a pair of tall heels to compliment the tight, black dress that accentuates your curves. Your phone buzzes twice, and with another shaky breath, you read the notification.

Deal! Katsuki and I are on our way! We’ll text you when we’re outside.

Bakugo drives a sleek, black SUV, that’s bumping music that seems to pound in time with your heart as Kirishima hops out to help you into the backseat, insisting he doesn’t want you to bust your ass in your heels, and he’s right. The metal bar along the bottom that’s supposed to be used to climb in is too slippery, so the man easily manhandles you into the backseat, going as far as to buckle you in with a grin and a “Safety first!” That makes you blush a bit.

The party is mostly noise and heat. People cheering on a game of beer pong on the back porch, the sounds of splashing as people jump into the large pool, and music loud enough that you cringe. Kirishima high-fives some of the people he sees on his way in, but Bakugo sticks close to you, your hips bumping together every now and again as you make your way through the crowd to get drinks. There’s a huge plastic tub of something you assume must be jungle juice propped up on a plastic folding table, as well as various bottles of alcohol lined up with bright red solo cups.

“Hell yeah, they have IPA!” Kirishima cheered, picking a bottle of beer, while Katsuki busied himself pouring various liquids into a cup, before he pressed the drink towards you, the familiar action making you smile, despite how much the loud music was making your head hurt. You sipped, surprised that you couldn’t taste any alcohol at all, and instead find something that tastes almost like fruit punch instead. When all three of you have your drinks, you make your way to the dance floor, rather surprised at the way the alcohol seems to peel away Bakugo’s hard nature. He wastes no time rolling his hips to the beat of the music right behind you, your back pressed against his chest. Kirishima slots himself in front, long hair sticking to his sweaty forehead as he presses his hips into yours, his beer bottle raised high above the two of you.

The dance makes your head spin, though it thankfully doesn’t last long. Drinks are refilled and the process continues, the three of you rotating between being pressed up against one another’s sweaty bodies and rocking to the beat, and sucking down drink after drink, until you start to wobble a bit. Bakugo notices almost immediately, a hand resting on your hip to steady you as he leans in, huffing whiskey scented breath over your neck.

“You’re drunk.” He points out, obviously. You scoff and press your ass into his groin, the roll too coordinated to come from a drunk person.

“Just tipsy.” You murmur back, eyes flickering up to meet Kirishima’s crimson gaze, from where he hulks over the both of you. His tongue swipes out to lick over his bottom lip as he takes in the way Bakugo grinds into you with fervor, his cock visibly straining against the fabric of his black jeans. The two of them lock eyes, something oddly knowing being passed between the two lovers. Together, the three of you stumble off of the dimly lit dance floor, squeezing between other partygoers as you make your way back out to the car. Kirishima presses you back into the cool metal, caging you between muscular arms as he eyes you up and down like prey.

“Wanna come back to our place? We’ve…never done this before, so bare with us.” He pleads. You nod, quickly, panties already damp from the way Bakugo’s dick was pressing so firmly between your supple ass cheeks just a moment ago. Thankfully, Kirishima has only had a couple beers, and feels comfortable driving himself over to one of the student housing apartments situated on the campus. Their apartment is surprisingly well maintained for two college students. Bakugo helps peel your heels off and lines them up at the door, filling in an already existing row of various pairs of large shoes. He slides his hand into yours and easily leads you back towards their bedroom, the mood shifting almost visibly. Bakugo has to stand on his tiptoes to slam his lips into Kirishima’s, his hands making quick work of shoving down his pants and boxers in one fluid motion. You’re pressed tightly between their bodies, face reddening at the feeling of both of their cocks pressed into you.

“Been wanting you all night…both of you…” he grumbles into his mouth, as his tongue presses past the redhead’s lips, catching the bitter taste of the IPA he had consumed and the salty burn of pretzels he’d shoved in his mouth while he chose another drink. You can’t help but touch yourself a bit, hand pushing the skirt of your dress up your hips, to press the heel of your palm against your already damp panties.

Kirishima’s dick is big. Bigger than the stupid one night stands you’d had as a freshman…bigger than you’ve ever seen in a porno. For a moment, you’re unsure if you’ll be able to even stand having something that big stretching you open. They peel their clothes off of each other quickly, hands fluid and skilled from years of fucking one another. Fingers brush nipples, mouths leave dark bite marks and hickies in their wake. Occasionally a hand will slip between them, quickly pumping the other’s length in a palm, before they pull away from one another and set hungry eyes on you, watching the way you touch yourself at the sight in front of you. The blond easily maneuvers you onto their bed, and you flop backwards with a small gasp.

“Aren’t you a dirty girl?” Kirishima mumbles, large arms caging you in he stares you down. “Sitting here, touching yourself while the two of us touched each other.” Bakugo is suddenly behind you, hands sliding around your torso and grabbing handfuls of your tits, as he curses under his breath.

“Fuck they’re even better when you hold them…soft…”. He huffs, pressing the fat tip of his cock against your back and smearing precum over the dark fabric of your dress. He shoves the top down, watching your tits spill from the material before he’s on them again, rubbing his fingers along your pebbled nipples and dipping his head into the crook of your neck to mark you. You gasp, and arch your back as he tugs your buds between warm fingertips, only dampening the light blue panties you’d chosen even more with slick.

Kirishima sinks to his knees, and slips his hands beneath your dress to pull the damp fabric down your thighs to pool at your ankles. For a moment, he sits still, taking in your gasps and whimpers from the way Bakugo continues rubbing and rolling your nipples back and forth between the pads of his fingers, and watching your clit swell. “So that’s what it looks like up close.” He hums lowly, hiking your skirt in one hand, and biting up the fat of your thighs with sharp teeth. When you hiss, he swipes his tongue over your labia first, moaning at the taste of your cum. You yelp again, and sit up and he has to eye you for a moment, short eyebrow shot up in surprise. “You’re not a virgin, are you?” He asks, lips nibbling up to your clit as he blows on it.

You shake your head, swallowing down the lump in your throat and struggling to find the words to speak as cold air wafts over your swollen bundle of nerves. “Just been awhile…” you admit, a bit embarrassed. It had been a whole year since you’d fucked anyone, leaving your pussy oversensitive to even the smallest amount of stimulation.

“Oh! You’re just sensitive. I can rock with that.” Kirishima dives back in eagerly, nose bumping your clit and making you groan as he licks into you quickly. He pinches your thigh, making you arch your back and lift your hips off of the bed a bit. “Look at me while I make you cum.” He orders, leaving no room for a reply, before he’s fucking you with his tongue, the slimy muscle dipping in and out of your pussy over and over as he noses your clit, maintaining his unwavering gaze. Bakugo doesn’t let up either, pinching and pulling at your nipples as he grinds his cock against your back. You whine his name, pleasure pooling low in your gut as he eats your cunt like a man starved.

“Like that? Eijiro is good with his mouth.” Bakugo murmurs in your ear, eyeing the dark bruises he’s left in his wake. Your head spins, so close to coming apart as Kirishima grins into your pussy. “Cum…make a mess on his face.” He orders, squeezing your tits in his hands and enjoying the way the fat spills between thick fingers.

You nod, hands dug into the sheets as you mewl, following his instructions. Your pussy clenches around his tongue and you finally cum, creaming all over his mouth. “What a little slut you are…who knew you were so needy?” The blonde degrades, watching the way you toss your head back against his shoulder. Pleasure shoots down your legs like lighting as you squeeze your thighs against the redhead’s face, grinding your twitching clit into his face. Slick coats his chin and mouth as he sits up to catch his breath, grinning ear to ear like an idiot. The couple shares a look again, and in a flash, Bakugo is pushing you up and tugging the zipper of your dress down, and shoving it up and over your head roughly.

The blonde is quick to pull away from you and flip you onto your belly. He keeps a hand on your hips, using his other to force his fingers into Kirishima’s mouth to get them wet, before he drags them between the lips of your pussy, collecting your slick on rough digits before he slowly sinks them into your cunt. You groan, and gummy walls fluttering around them. He pumps them quickly, curling them inside of you and pressing against that spongy spot inside of you that makes you see stars.

“You’re going to cum that fast? From just my fingers? Kind of pathetic. How hard are you going to cum on my cock?” He asks, flicking his wrist quicker and scissoring his fingers to stretch you out.

“Bak- Kats-” you babble, struggling to form words every time he brushes against your g spot, adding a third finger so he’s sure you’re ready for his weeping cock. Kirishima sits back against the pillows, jerking his dick lazily. His gaze sweeps up and down your body, clearly enjoying the show.

“Damn Suki, you fucked her dumb, from just a few fingers! I guess Mina was right, curling your fingers does help. Do you feel it?” He asks, maybe a bit too curious. He hadn’t felt it when he was eating you out, and for a moment, he wanted to make his boyfriend move so he could try and find your g spot himself, but his cock was already dribbling precum down his fist. The last thing he wanted to do was push his luck on just how much more he could stand. The way you whimpered and squirmed and leaked more cum down Bakugo’s wrist when it became too much made his cock twitch in his hand.

Your sloppy cunt squelches when he pulls his digits free. The blond turns them over in the low light streaming in from the bedroom and pulls his fingers apart a few times to test the viscosity of the liquid. “Yeah, I did feel it…All that, just for some fingers and tongue?” He grunts, voice still deep and teasing as he uses his dry hand to maneuver your boneless body onto your back. Taking in your flushed cheeks and fucked out gaze, he huffs a breath out of his nose, and grasps your jaw tightly. “Open wide.” He commands, smirking a bit when you are quick to comply, and part your lips for him. Without any hesitation, he shoves his slick coated fingers into your mouth, eyelids drooping when you wrap your tongue around them and stare up at him.

“She ready?” Kirishima asks, catching your attention and drawing Bakugo from thoughts about fucking your throat, as he fumbles around in their nightstand drawer. The red head takes his time, spreading lube up and down his veiny cock.

“Don’t look at him.” He grumbles, when your eyes wander across the bed to the redhead. “I’m going to fuck you, and you better not pay Shitty Hair any attention.” He warns, spanking your oversensitive clit with a heated hand, enjoying the way your mouth sucks his fingers in deeper.

“All ready on my end.” Kirishima informs, a large hand pressing into the small of his boyfriend’s back, and pushing him over you. Your sweat slick back finds the plush of the mattress, and his pecs brush your already oversensitive nipples. Your eyes dance in his gaze, taking in the scent of musk and aftershave. Face to face, you notice that Bakugo has a small scar just above the bridge of his nose, but before you can get lost in the little nuances of his handsome face, he’s running the tip of his cock between your puffy folds. Hands finding purchase on either side of your hips, he rolls his pelvis, engorged manhood catching your clit as he teases you.

“She’s more than ready for me, aren’t you?” He asks, vermillion eyes half lidded, and clouded with lust. You manage a nod, and he slowly sinks his cock between your lips, leaning his full body weight on top of you and groaning your name in your ear. You shiver and grasp at the taught muscles on his back. The stretch is immaculate and the veins along his cock drag against your g spot, making you clench down on him as he fills every crevice of your velvety walls. Kirishima takes up the space behind him, wasting no time setting large hands on Bakugo’s toned hips, and surging into his boyfriend’s tight ass. You buck your hips upwards, jaw sliding open as you moan for him, music to Kirishima’s ears. Bakugo cants his hips, ever so slightly and licks at the bruises he’s left on your shoulders.

“Shit you’re tight Katsu…” Kirishima whines, his face screwed up behind his boyfriend as he tries his best to stay still. Any movement, and he’d only surge Bakugo’s cock deeper into your pussy, but it takes everything in him to be patient and wait for you to open up for them.

“M okay…” you slur, looking over Bakugo’s scarred shoulder to eye the redhead with half lidded eyes and a sideways smile. Bakugo wastes no time and nudges himself backwards on his boyfriend to rut into you with a deep groan.

Kirishima picks up the message and joins in, hips slamming into Bakugo’s, and surging him forward to push into your weeping pussy. Even during sex the two are polar opposites. The redhead is noisy, moaning and complimenting Bakugo on how tight his ass is, occasionally whining about how he wants to cum and fill his boyfriend to the brim. Bakugo is quiet and goal oriented, determined to watch you fall apart on his length. He slips a hand between your sweat slick bodies to thumb your overstimulated clit in circles. He huffs hot breath against your neck and grunts in your ear, occasionally grumbling about how you love being split on his cock, and how your pussy is swallowing him so good.

Your head spins, chest heaving as goosebumps blossom along your skin. White hot pleasure shoots through every axon in your body as you take in Kirishima’s needy face, his eyes closed tightly and hit lip tucked between his teeth as he bites down on it. He’s so lost in the sounds the three of you make, the quick slap of his balls on Bakugo’s shapely ass, the airy whines and whimpers tumbling from your mouth, the squishes that your pussy produces every time Bakugo’s cock kisses your cervix, that he doesn’t notice the muscles in his boyfriend’s back twitching, a tell tale sign he was drawing closer to his orgasm.

“Where?” Bakugo asks, hips growing wild and sloppy as he pulls away just enough to get a good look at your fuck drunk expression. “Cum…shit…where?” He questions again, a bit more urgently. Brain foggy with pre orgasm bliss, you shake your head, struggling to put coherent thoughts together.

“In-Inside!” You cry, body arching off of the bed as Kirishima delivers a harsh thrust that sends Bakugo impossibly deeper into you, and draws a moan from the both of your mouths. In a split second, your resolve breaks. The coil of pleasure thats been building, tugging at your gut with every rough thrust finally snaps, and you cream around Bakugo’s cock, leaking down your thighs and dampening the bed below you. Bakugo’s breath hitches in his throat as he’s caught off guard. Your walls clamp down on him like a vice grip, and he lets out an breathy groan, and shakes sweat from his spiky blond hair like a dog.

“Too tight…” he moans, eyes screwed closed as he finally cums, jolts of pleasure shooting up his spine as he shoots line after line of thick cum into your pussy. “Holy fucking shit” he curses, fucking his cum deeper into you.

Kirishima tumbles over the edge last, with quick huffs of “Gonna cum, please gonna cum so hard, too good to me, so good!” He paints Bakugo’s ass with hot ropes of cum, so much that as he gives shallow thrusts to ride out his orgasm, lines of white drip down the back of Bakugo’s toned thighs.

Everyone catches their breath in their own time, the only sounds between you deep pants and shallow breaths. Even as Bakugo and Kirishima begin slowly untangling themselves from one another, you struggle to steady your wild heart. Your eyes flutter closed as Bakugo slowly pulls his softening cock from your swollen lips. The sudden wetness of a warm cloth brushing your overstimulated clit pulls you back to reality, and as your eyes snap open, you find the redhead dabbing at cum that’s started to seep out of you. He gives you one of those boyish, lopsided grins that makes your chest ache, and takes a moment to enjoy the view of your puffy lips leaking messily onto your plush thighs as he wipes it all away. Bakugo forces a cool bottle of water into your palm and leans down to capture your lips in a quick kiss, that sucks the breath from your lungs.

Together, all three of you cuddle up in bed, you head resting back against a soft pillow. Kirishima traces circles up and down your belly, while Bakugo dozes behind you, not used to staying up so late at night, and drained from the good lay he just had.

“That was actually really great.” Kirishima whispers, dipping his head to speak into the shell of your ear. “You’re really great, I mean. At everything. That was our first time with a girl.” He compliments, always sweet.

“You both know one another’s bodies so well. It’s sweet.” You murmur, looking down at the wild head of spikes pressing into your chest, moving with every small breath you took.

“It comes with the territory. I think I speak for both of us when I say that we would like to come to know your body that way, if you’d let us, of course.” The last thing the redhead wants to do is sound pushy or clingy. He relaxes, tension oozing out of his shoulders when you shake your head and lean into him.

“I would love to do any of that all over again, for as long as you’ll have me.” You promise, sighing lowly and closing your eyes. Kirishima looks like a child that has just won a gargantuan plushie at the fair as he tugs you and Bakugo into him. You inhale the scents buried in the soft material of the pillow, finding the lingering smell of Starbucks coffee and the sandalwood cologne Kirishima seems to always have on, and finally start to doze off to sleep to the sound of Bakugo’s soft breaths against your chest and the rumble of Kirishima’s deep snores. The deep ache between your legs makes you feel oddly...content and loved. All because you were looking for books to keep you occupied during summer break.

[polandspringz]

Thoughts on “No Longer Human”

So, like every other BSD fan right now, I went out and bought No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai in order to better understand the way he is written as a character in BSD and also just because I’ve always wanted to dive into Japanese literature. Since senior year of high school, I have been changed from reading Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky (not because of BSD but for class) and so I was very excited to delve into another classic novel with similar themes.

And I was not disappointed.

In short, No Longer Human reads as a sad tale about a man who feels so ostracized by society, and is ostracized by said society, that he is drawn to such terrible fates. While reading, it is not lost on me the similarities between the main character, Yozo, and Osamu Dazai’s own life. By looking at the time period the novel was set in and the way Yozo acts, while I cannot draw any conclusions on the author himself, the novel captures the life of a man who is undoubtedly (at least to me) neuro-divergent and unfortunately is so during 1930s Japan. Therefore, he is extremely misunderstood, lacking in social skills and desperate to truly connect with others. Because he fails to ever feel “human” he finds the only way he can get attention, or connect to others, is by making them laugh. It’s not my place to say that definitively that Yozo can be read as an autistic character, however I would understand if someone identified traits in him that matched. Ultimately I believe that Yozo was neuro-divergent from birth, and coupled with the assault he suffered at a young age, he was extremely traumatized which with no support from anyone around him, led him down a destructive path. You watch as he goes through manic episodes of highs and lows, seeks out connection through sex, attempts suicide multiple times, and eventually falls into alcoholism and drug addiction before being sentenced to live in a mental hospital. The saddest parts of the book are undoubtedly in the ending, for when Yozo finally opens up and feels like he can trust two people in his life enough that he might just be human, they trick him into bringing him to a mental hospital where he definitively feels in his soul that he is “disqualified as a human being”, forever branded as different and discarded from society even when he is released from the institution. Although Yozo partakes in sexual activity and affairs frequently throughout the book, the true turning point of his downfall is likely when he witnesses his wife being assaulted, as it might have triggered a flashback of his own assault as a child (although not explicitly stated in the book, his reaction to it and the stress it causes him is enough of an example of PTSD for me to believe this).

Perhaps the only part of the book where I felt I could relax and enjoy it, not falling into the despair of the narrative was the short conversation regarding Crime and Punishment itself. The translator notes talked about Dazai’s writing being closest to Dostoevsky, so I was already thinking of how the author of BSD had used that idea in making Dazai and Fyodor interact frequently, but it was even more solidified by Yozo himself talking about the book (like how they also bring up Natsume Soseki’s works as well). I don’t want to sound like I am only interested in reading the Japanese classics because of “some anime”, but rather I am constantly amazed and impressed by the level of detail and research the BSD author must put in to make the characters accurate to the people and works they are referencing. Sure, one can watch BSD and enjoy it simply for it being an anime that is fun and action oriented with interesting characters, as I once did when I first watched it, but it is equally enjoyable and opens up new avenues of thought to understand how the pieces fit together. (I am not caught up in the manga at all but I loved theorizing about Fyodor and his powers back when he was introduced in the anime). To cap off my thoughts on No Longer Human, I just wanted to say that after reading it and finally seeing inside Osamu Dazai’s head, I don’t think there is a scene in BSD that captures the true sadness of this novel except for in BSD Wan. That fireworks scene and Dazai’s lines delivered in that ending scene was the closest to the feeling of depression and lowness that I felt throughout the novel, and it’s probably because all the “goofy” endearing character trait aspect of Dazai’s goal of suicide are stripped away and shown for what it really is. Suicide.

[veliseraptor]

Hi lise....How are you? If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite “villains” (or antagonists) in all of MXTX novels? (Whether you want to do a ranking or just write out in no particular order)...Sorry if you've answered this question before....

I am stressed, depressed, and holding off a mental breakdown but keeping it together so far! and distractions in the form of thinking about my villain beloveds help.

asdlskjadf oh man. so it’s not quite “all of them” but it is... “several.” no ranking here because rankings are hard, so here’s in no particular order my personal greatest antagonist hits from mxtx’s novels

(this post will contain hella spoilers just to let you guys know)

1. He Xuan. I just finished (well, for a given value of ‘just’) rereading the Black Water Arc again and ahhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. I love He Xuan so much, I love everything he chooses to do, I love the fact that he has a choice between revenge and a friendship he does seem to value and ultimately still chooses revenge, I love his cold anger, I love the part where he just fuckin...rips Shi Wudu’s head off with his bare hands, RIP Water Master but that was pretty badass.

But yeah, I think what most draws me toward him is that...pull, where you can see him trying to give Shi Qingxuan an out, and he’s not going to abandon his revenge, would never, but he will bend it just a little, or he would...but ultimately Shi Qingxuan fails the tests he gives them and that’s it.

Also “you called the wrong name” will probably live in my head, as they say, rent free, with lines from literature that stick with me.

2. Xue Yang. Obviously. I feel like...I don’t even know how to talk about him here without repeating myself. Love at first sight and I never looked back. It only got worse. There’s a whole lot of buttons that he’s hitting all at once and...god, idk, okay, I’ve written more fics about him in a year and change than I wrote in the entire Silmarillion fandom between 2009-2021, and some of those are long. It’s a lot.

3. Jin Guangyao. I feel like I don’t always talk enough about Jin Guangyao and that’s mostly because I feel like other people have said the things I’d want to say but better already? But...god, love him. He’s such a psychological mess of paranoia and anxiety and insecurity, he’s so up in his head, constantly thinking about three or four things at once, is he enjoying the experience? Not necessarily.

I’m always going to be a sucker for a clever schemer and Jin Guangyao’s got that going for him, and I also really enjoy a good juxtaposition between seeming fragility and insane endurance/ability to keep going well past the point it’s reasonable. His drive to escape his origins, to prove himself, to gain an approval that’s always going to be just out of reach...I’m love him. Very very much.

4. Shen Jiu. Does he count, considering he’s mostly SIr Not Appearing In This Novel with the exception of the extras? I’m counting him. It feels very silly and also very me that my favorite SVSSS character is this guy because like...he’s not even technically present in the novel proper as an actual person? Even Xiao Xingchen at least gets a corpse cameo.

Whatever, I’m counting him anyway. I was going to be like “I know he’s awful” but come on, this is a list of antagonists and I love characters dealing horribly with their trauma and also passing their trauma on to others in the worst way, and also characters who come to bad ends, and also characters who will see people thinking the worst of them and go “fine! sure! I will do nothing to correct these assumptions at all because fuck it, if people are going to hate me might as well go all in.”

5. Jun Wu. I know, I know! I feel like this is maybe the most unpopular of mine actually but I have a thing for...antagonists who are disappointed idealists who are now trying to ruin everyone else’s day/life to prove their point while at the same time (this is a read, but I think I can support it) wanting to be proved wrong, but also absolutely certain that they won’t. And his interactions with Xie Lian in book four as Bai Wuxiang are...well. they sure do hit a nail shaped like my character dynamic kinks right on the head

and I’ll talk about this more in my favorite TGCF moments answer that’s forthcoming (I’m just finishing the book first so I don’t forget anything!), but I also find the conclusion to his arc very satisfying in ways that I very seldom get in media.

honorable mentions: Ling Wen (honorable mention only because I don’t know that she actually counts, she’s only an ‘antagonist’ for a hot minute and she doesn’t actually do anything to our protagonists to seriously hurt them), Shen Qingqiu’s internalized homophobia (honestly probably the biggest antagonist of SVSSS, lbr), Xie Lian on a rampage, He Xuan’s skeleton fish.

I do also have a soft spot for Bingge even though we only see him for a hot minute. he’s just awful and a disaster and I love that for him.

are we counting Jiang Cheng as an antagonist? because I don’t but if we were he’d be on this list too.

honestly the only antagonists I actively dislike (as opposed to just find relatively uninteresting) are Jin Guangshan and Jin Zixun.

[ja-khajay]

Stuff I read (and liked) this year

As promised, here’s a list of the novels, comics, manga, etc... I read this year, focusing on the ones I enjoyed and would recommend to people. Under a cut, this is going to be a little long.

-------- Books --------

Favorite book of the year: Stranger in the Woods, by Michael Finkel

Non-fiction. Based on the interviews of the man himself by the author, it is about a man who felt so unfit for society he decided one day to leave it, and spent the next 28 years as a hidden hermit in forest in Maine. The book details how he survived there, how he was eventually found, and some of his reasons for doing so. It’s a great reflection on the nature of loneliness.

Indian creek, by Pete Fromm

...Yet another detailed tale of living alone in the woods. This time, the diary of a student who spent a winter in the mountains to help tend for salmon hatchlings, and how he spent the rest of his days hiking, hunting, meeting the locals. It’s a fun little book who, being set almost the whole world away from where I live, was a nice way to travel.

Howl’s Moving Castle, by Diana Wynne Jones

I don’t feel the need to explain this one since everyone and their mom has seen the movie adapted from it. The book, that I first read a decade ago before I actually watched the film, is a less romantized, more spirited telling of the same story. The writing is absolutely delightful and so is the world it paints, and it’s the first time in ages a book had me laughing out loud during my entire read.

-------- Comics (BD) --------

Favorite comic of the year: Monsieur Désire?, by Hubert and Virginie Augustin

A discreet young woman becomes a maid for a decadent, unbearable, byronesque young lord. Caked in the rigid and oppressive social hierarchy of the victorian era, you follow a mental and verbal joust between the two, as the lord tries his best to offend and corrupt his new unrelenting servant, to little success. The writing and especially the dialogues were stellar, drawing me into the tense atmosphere, watching this trainwreck of a character flamboyantly destroy himself. While there’s no precise content warnings that I can give, this is a mature and heavy story.

World of Edena, by Moebius

Anyone who’s followed this blog for over a month knows how much of a Moebius fan I am. Edena combines the vague, dreamlike, wordless storytelling from stuff like Arzach or The cat’s eyes with an actual plot. While I haven’t completly finished the story, the evolution of the main characters and how the story is told have been great to read through, and as always the art is beyond gorgeous. Unfortunately suffers from some good old sexism in the writing that even if minimal, tasted sour

Le roman de Renart, by Joan Sfar (book 1)

Sfar’s work always has a signature vibe of being dreamy and light without being light hearted, of being down to earth but drifting in the fantastical, and this one is no exception. It’s an adaption of a series of medieval folk tales I grew up with, who uses the same characters to tell an original story. If you’re familiar with icons like Renart as well as other mythological big boys like Merlin you’ll fit right in. There is something special in how the dialogues are written, who feel natural in a way that you’d overhear in a street corner and is very special to me.

The mercenary, by VIncente Segrelles

Another one I post about a lot on this blog. The mercenary is a king on the throne of fantasy cheese. The worldbuilding is interesting at times but the writing is a pretty pathetic display of glorious old time sword and sorcery sci-fantasy 10 years too late for it’s prime (warning for ye old sexism and orientalism that plagues the genre, cranked very high...) but you come and stay for the art. The entire thing is drawn in a series of hyper detailed oil paintings with an insane eye for technical detail, from the engineering of the weaponry, to the architecture and weather, to the anatomy of the fantasy creatures... Each panel stands out as it’s own painting which makes even flipping through it without reading the scenario a treat. Click here to see more of the art, in my Segrelles tag.

The ice maurauder, by Jacques Tardi

A short story about mad scientists entirely drawn like a 19th century engraving. In great Tardi tradition everyone is ugly and mean, it ends terribly, it’s both a hommage to the genre of late 19th cent. to early 1900s dramatic adventure novels and a critical eye on it, and it’s morbidly funny. Most people I saw online hated the way this was written but I’m not them and I really recommend this book. Die mad

-------- Manga --------

Favorite manga of the year: it’s a tie between the following two.

Cats of the Louvre, by Taiyo Matsumoto

Most wonderful comic I have read in ages. The story follows a bunch of semi-feral cats secretly living in the Louvre museum’s attic, and the small group of humans who share their life, walking through the museum as the night watch. When the cats are together, they are represented in a humanoid way, but still act like animals, and “become” cats again when a human is nearby. The plot is a sort of supernatural mystery centered around a kitten who walks around paintings. It’s a love letter to art, sincere and beautiful, with a unique art style and great characters.

Memoirs of amorous Gentlemen, by Moyoco Anno

A sex worker in early 20th century paris starts writing down a diary of the clients she meets, in a quest to cope with the troubles of her life. You follow her, her colleagues, and her bittersweet relationship with an abusive lover. I don’t have much words about this comic, but the art and writing both are amazing, it’s the perfect length and drew me in like little series had before. Obvious content warnings as this is an adult story that talks about sexuality, but also depicts both mental and physical abuse.

Hana, also by Taiyo Matsumoto 

A very short story, this was not made to be read as a comic originally, but served as storyboarding and visual development for a play, and the way it is written follows that. Hana is a slice of life story set in a fantasy world, of a young boy, his family, his village. Despite the setting being an original one, the character interactions are refreshingly... normal, and there is no huge plot to speak of, just a bit of the life of these characters. The art is beautiful, entirely black and white, with a scratchy style and an emphasis on contrast. Matsumoto is on a speedy road to becoming my favorite manga artist haha

Delicious in Dungeon, by Ryoko Kui

While not marked as my year’s favorite, I still consider this series among my favorite manga ever. The art and writing are amazing, and it’s both heartfelt, well concieved and plain hilarious. The story follows several parties of dungeon diving adventurers each on their little quests with a premise of our protagonists, on a panic rescue mission, surviving in the dungeon by cooking and eating the monsters they come across. From a DnD party turned cooking manual dinner of the week beginning, the plot creeps up on you and slowly thickens. I don’t want to spoil anything about the overarching story of this because it was a delight to discover for myself. While everything about DinD rules, I am especially fond of the design philosophy of the author, who puts great detail in the practicality and biology of what she draws, as well as the character writing. Everyone even side characters has so much charm and depth to them, the cast is so diverse and entertaining...! Each character is just a bit lame enough but endearing, and has their own little backstory that shows in the way they exist. It’s a delight

Chainsaw man, by Tatsuki Fujimoto

I went into CSM expecting a borderline campy hyperviolent dumb fun thing to read and was very surprised to find an uncomfortably well written story about a teenager being groomed. The hyperviolent dumb fun fights are here nonetheless and the series still qualifies as shonen for some reason, but the more mature character writing as well as some truly outlandish visuals make it something very special. If you can’t stand shonen, not sure you will like it, but if you don’t mind it, worth trying.

Witch hat atelier, by Kamome Shirahama

The oh so elegant fantasy seinen every cool kid started posting about this year, who I also succumbed to and fast. Witch hat is hard to explain, as most of it’s plot revolves around the rules of the world it’s set in, specifically the regulations around it’s magic and the social and historical reasons for them. It’s about growing up, learning, disability, making art. You follow a little girl taken in by a witch as an apprentice, her magical education, and learn little by little why her lovely teacher is so willing to break a lot of rules... While a bit too gentle and pretty for my taste at times, Witch hat has great worldbuilding and explores sensitive themes I rarely see in manga, much less in fantasy. And Berserk wishes it had art this good

[spockandawe]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

It’s absolutely no problem at all!! I don’t think I’ve been asked this before, but hey, I also have zero object permanence, so it keeps things fresh and new. And it’s interesting to see how my answers change over time! Lemme see, I think I’m going to go in reverse order, because I feel like then I’ll be doing the worst agonizing up front.

TGCF

Fifth favorite: YIN. YU. I know that he’s a minor character and him even making it onto the list is pretty solid performance, but I do feel guilty that he isn’t higher than this. He came out of nowhere in my first reading and punched me in the stomach with emotions. I find his sections so hard to read, and I was DEVASTATED when he died and BEYOND stoked to find out he was still alive in the extras. His story hurts so much! I am weak against characters who have relatively modest goals and still see them snatched away (see also: my next entry) and have to struggle on. I wish wish wish I had a way to see more of how he made his peace with things after being thrown out of heaven, and the nature of the (distant) relationship with Hua Cheng and what happens with Quan Yizhen now that he died in his arms, and still came back anyways, my god!

.

Fourth favorite:  He Xuannnnnn. I have a hard time articulating particulars, but. I love him a lot. I love a character with a grudge, with a deep, painful grudge, where the grudge is hurting him almost as much as it’s hurting the people around him, and setting the grudge aside would also hurt, and then what has any of this been for-- I've used this metaphor for other characters, but I don’t care if I’m overusing it, because I love it. He feels like a character caught in a thorn bush, where simply being there... hurts, but trying to escape or move in any ways is going to hurt worse, and there’s no path forward that doesn’t involve pain. And like... I don’t love the way he hurt Shi Qingxuan (who didn’t quite make this list adfasgdafsd I’M SORRY) but I wouldn’t have liked to see him swallow back down all that pain and set aside everything that happened to his family and fiancee either! I’m always, always soft for characters who have no good path forward and who grit their teeth and set out anyways.

.

Third favorite: MU QING!!!!!!!!!! I have done... extensive screaming about him. And I love him veryvery much. I can already tell that this list is going to have a lot of mean boys on it, and like... no regrets. Especially since this is one of my FAVORITE flavors, an unapologetic mean boy who is rarely (but sometimes!) soft for the people around him, and who regularly tries to do decently by people, but who consistently gets shat upon and misunderstood and accused of acting in bad faith. I screamed when he and Xie Lian finally got to talk their friendship out in the book. I also screamed when I realized how immediately after Xie Lian’s return he started looking out for him again, and how sincerely, despite his horrible attitude about it. I still want to write more fic for him so badly. I love him so much.

.

Second favorite: Xie Lian! What a good boy! The best boy! He’s so sweet and gentle, but also the best fightboy this world has ever seen, and also so gently snarky with the people he loves! I just... really love me some traumatized characters who have trouble recognizing that they can be Loved, and I’m not going to write this whole essay right now, but I think in some ways, he’s the most... passive about his romance, out of all the leads? Shen Qingqiu is aggressively oblivious, but Xie Lian kind of gently shrugs off the idea that he might be Hua Cheng’s special someone, until he finally gets hit with the cluestick. I generally shy away from the idea of a character “earning” love, but he’s maybe the mxtx character who moves me most with ‘you deserve to be loved’

.

Most favorite: Hua Cheng. HUA CHENG. Oh my god, gotta love this boy. Gotta love this devotion. I love a mean boy who is soft for one person, and he EMBODIES it. I mean, I love Shen Jiu, but he barely manages to do the soft thing at all, while Hua Cheng is over here like ‘if I could only be the stone beneath your feet--’ It’s hard to talk about him separately from Xie Lian, because they’re a unit in my head more than just about any other characters on this list are. I don’t want to get this list to get out of control, so I’m not going to scream for too long, but... I could just watch him go forever. I want to write him forever, and that’s a huge aspect of what draws me to some characters.

MDZS

Oh god, I think I lied, I think this book is going to be hardest. Making these choices is AGONIZING.

Fifth favorite: .....Lan Wangji. Oh god, I feel bad about how low he is. But this story is just packed SO full of wonderful characters, and I’m already consumed with guilt over all the characters who aren’t going to make it. I don’t love them less! But my love for characters in this particular story is very evenly distributed. And I think that Wang Yibo’s acting is possibly scoring points with me that the book might not have earned all by itself. Microexpressions and subtle body language add SO MUCH to a character with such flat affect, and I would be drawn to such a closed-off character anyways, but it really helps. And I love, like... the combined subtlety and intensity of his relationships. It’s not that subtle once you know what to look for, and the brother/sworn brother network makes for varying degrees of how much other characters understand of the things he chooses not to explicitly express, and it gives a really interesting character to the way he interacts with the people around him. Also, love me a man with intense separation anxiety.

.

Fourth favorite: Jiang Yanli? I think it has to be Jiang Yanli, but these rankings are hard. So. I just talked about how much I enjoy the flat affect and closed off nature of Lan Wangji? Well, guess what, I also love it when m’girl is just very GENUINELY AND OPENLY an absolute sweetheart of a person, and I love the contrast between her genuinely kind nature and the uncomfortable pressure that her family’s dynamics put on her to start parenting at a very young age. It’s not necessarily a happy situation, but she adores her brothers so much and they adore her so much! And it’s... a very understated element of the story, but after her parents died, her baby brothers went off to war, and one wreaked havoc as a straightforward commander and one of them disappeared for months and returned as a creepy-ass zombie puppeteer. And she STILL dotes on them like before, despite knowing what they’re capable of. Like, yes, Wei Wuxian just raised an army of corpses and forced a man to eat himself, but I shall still boop him on the nose and feed him Soup. How can I not adore energy like that?

.

Third favorite: Wei Wuxian, I think. I do adore him a lot. He gives me some of the same vibes that make me ache most with Xie Lian, where he is trying his best, and is struggling to hold on in the face of lots of suffering, and I find it really interesting that when the suffering peaked, Xie Lian was forced go on because he couldn’t die, while Wei Wuxian... expired. That line about ‘he thought that no matter how large the world was, there was still no place for him’ always sticks with me, and hurts me deeply. Xie Lian had most of his personal attachments stripped away, and was left to wander on his own, while Wei Wuxian still had a number of strong connections left, but abruptly exited life. And that informs their respective trauma so interestingly! The way Wei Wuxian bounces between high energy chaos and drained exhaustion is really fascinating to me, and was the thread that held me attached to the book through a very confusing beginning. And I’m still very drawn to how intensely he loves, whether it’s Xiao Zhan’s fantastic acting, or it’s him busting out with how much he wants Lan Wangji in the middle of the Guanyin Temple scene. He’s a fantastic character, honestly, I don’t think such a convoluted book would have held together very well without a protagonist this strong.

.

Second favorite: Xue Yang :X Look, he’s a good boy and I love him. Who among us hasn’t done a few mass murders that we are completely unrepentant about, but that we would really like to keep hidden from our current boyfriend, actually? Anyways, as always, love me an angry boy who makes terrible decisions for understandable reasons. And I do love a character who is consumed by agonized ragrets (see my next entry), but I DO also love me a character who has no regrets at all and doesn’t even have much interest in trying to justify himself to anyone else around him. Just look at that confidence! Look at him go!!

.

Most favorite: Jiang... Cheng....... I knew he and Xue Yang were going to be at the top, but those were the only parts of this list that were easy. I mean. Love a self-sabotaging angryboy who is also super super sad and keeps hurting himself in his own confusion. And while I love the romantic thread in all of the mxtx books, the agonized family thread in mdzs is one of my favorite parts, and something that I don’t really see echoed in any of the other stories. I need ten million jc+wwx reconciliations, at LEAST. He’s so sad! And so angry! And I want to see him becoming less of that thing, and for Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian to demonstrate very firmly how much they love him, because they do. I am invested in his happiness in a way that goes far and beyond any of the other non-main characters, haha

SVSSS

Fifth favorite: Tianlang-jun. I think? Oh god, but moshang. THIS IS REALLY HARD, I HATE THIS ;-; But especially since writing my fic, Tianlang-jun has really won me over. And like, he already hurt me good in the novel, just thinking about how he was an innocent young guy, just! Trying to have a girlfriend! And instead got trapped in sensory deprivation, body-rotting-hell for twenty years, when he didn’t do anything wrong!!! He suffered, so much! And I live for his intensely strained relationship with Luo Binghe, because it’s! Perfectly understandable and painful, from both of their perspectives! And he wants to hate humans so badly, but in the end, when he’s told that Su Xiyan never betrayed him, he starts helplessly asking the people around him, ‘really? is it really true?’ and then in the end he loses the only family member he has left who cares about him, and it’s just! Everything is terrible! I have a su xiyan au brewing in my head because I can’t stand it! Someone just give this man a loving partner!!!

.

Fourth favorite: Shen Qingqiu. But... moshang??? Goddammit. Anyways, this dumbass. I find him so endearing, in his dumbassery. I sometimes get a bit frustrated with Wei Wuxian for being oblivious, and Shen Qingqiu is just asking for me to react the same way, but I... don’t, for the most part? Because he thinks he has good information, and he’s slow to react to a changing playing field, and I still haven’t read another transmigration novel that strikes the same balance of hypercompetence and intense incompetence :ppp It’s a funny book, and he’s a funny character! And I really vibe with him, in most parts of the story, which covers a pretty darn wide emotional spectrum. Plus, the running internal commentary is choice.

.

Third favorite: Liu Qingge. Look, I’m a woman of simple needs, and sometimes I just need a high-quality fightboy who clearly cares deeply and is absolute garbage at expressing his emotions. I can’t articulate it much better than that. I absolutely howl at the succubus extra, when Shen Qingqiu is talking to Madam Meiyin about his future partner, and Liu Qingge is like ‘oh my god, sHE IS CLEARLY DESCRIBING ME’ and Shen Qingqiu is like ‘haha, liu-shidi, i thought you thought this was stuupidddddddd’. They’re both so dumb. I love them so much. But stupidity plus war god fighting energy has a narrow lead over stupidity and internal commentary track.

.

Second favorite: SHEN JIU. GOD. I’m still arguing with myself over whether he should go first, but Luo Binghe hurts me consistently through the whole entire story, so I think he wins. Shen Jiu just stabs me in the heart at strategic moments. This is it. My ideal mean boy who is soft for one (1) person, and who BOTH does unconscionable things for terrible reasons (someone just. give him a pile of girls to teach, it will be much more pleasant for everyone involved), and who ALSO gets blamed for things he didn’t do even when he tries to act in good faith. It is the best of all painful worlds. And even at the end, when he has a powerful person who wants desperately to protect him, he still tries his hardest to shove that person away, to keep him safe. I’ve got like four aus where he gets to live. I’m so invested in this character, I love him so much.

.

Most favorite: Luo Binghe. He was.... made for me............ Like, the overwhelming amounts of childhood angst were baked in by Shang Qinghua, but the in-story pain and suffering is PRECISELY my jam. I love a character with separation anxiety! I love a character with massive anxieties over being unwanted! Over nobody ever, EVER just choosing him! I love a character struggling with the idea that the person he loves most in the world thinks that he’s intrinsically Disgusting! I love the kind of stubborn determination that leads him to preserve a corpse for five years, desperately hoping for a way to revive it, constantly cooking fresh food, in case, in case he someday wakes up. The way Hua Cheng loves is overpowering, but he’s had time to like... learn to be mellow when he needs to be. Luo Binghe doesn’t have a chill bone in his body, and if he’s acting chill, it’s probably because he’s done some mental math and decided that being more clingy right now will probably get him pushed away harder. I love the combination of manipulative tendencies and a very, very genuine fear of rejection and being unwanted. There is nothing I don’t love about Luo Binghe, including his worst decisions. I love him so so much.