#man i just bummed myself out. This world has got to fucking change. it will.

[misterbitches]

so to clarify. jack’s boyfriend (who he forgave) went to jack’s coach who betrayed him; joke got the coach a concrete material way that he could pay jack back in repentance, got the deed for it, gave jack a chance to see the coach again so he could say whatever else—to forgive him or not and anything else he wanted. and I am supposed to just be okay? Ok.

[silent-raven13]

NO, HOBIE!

(AU: Ya'll ever read No, David? That lil fuckin' cholo silver teeth lookin ass brat? I just had a thought 😂)

Miguel shouting at the punker, who's wobbling to the edge of building, "NO, BROWN! I swear to GOD if you jump in that fucking pool of possessed Spider-people, I will kill you myself!" The last thing they needed was this ridiculous punker joining in on the chaos of all of this!

Hobie grinning widely under his mask being very tempted, and hated being told what to do. The gang were in a world where Dr. Oct created a dangerous serum that got Spider-people to do his bidding, and leaking out green salvia with their mouths morphed into Spider mouth. Seems like this Dr. Oct found a way to copy Shathra being similar to her Spider Wasp beings.

Luckily Lyla was working on a cure, while Miguel is trying to keep the gang from changing and stopping the mad-villain. However, Hobie saw the opportunity to fuck shit up as always! Why is it when Miguel always say no, there's always trouble from Spider-punk?

"Is that a threat?" Spider-Punk innocently asked with his goofy Spider-Punk mask beaming at Spider-man 2099.

Peni in her Sp//dr suit letting out a low groan, "Hobie, NO! Come on, this is serious!"

Miguel growling through his teeth. Pavtri had his hands out, "You know, Miguel doesn't mean it. Hobie, come on, my dude!"

"Brown, I am warning you!" The older Spider-man growls in anger.

"Mmm, I'm hearing a yes?" The Spider-Punk stick his long lanky leg out pretending to fall.

"NO, HOBIE! Bad! I'ma tell on Miles!" Peni shouted.

Spider-Punk quickly stood back hearing his Sunflower's name. Then, the massive urge to jump to the pile of infected people with Ace monstrous features got him pump. Those intrusive thoughts winning especially when Miguel commanded, "It's an order, Brown. Get over here, now!"

"Okay. Okay, no need to get your trousers in a mix." Hobie happily walks away at the edge hearing relief sighs, then he quickly turns back to jump down, "PSYCH! You thought!"

They all had their mouth dropped when their punker friend literally got infected all because his intrusive thoughts were in the way!

"HIJO DE SU PUTA MADRE!" Miguel cursing out loud enrage by his fellow Spider-Punk, ruining another mission just to fuck with him. The rest of the Spider-heroes saw their friend already turned into a freaky humanoid Spider causing ruckus.

"ALL FOR ANARCHY! I LOVE IT!" He shouted before he made odd growls.

"Ugh, and we needed him, too." Peni groans.

Pavtri rolled his eyes, "So what do we do now?"

"Hey guys, Miles was able to knock out Dr. Oct! How's your part of the plan going?" Gwen asked as she speaks through the intercom.

Miguel already raging at the side having to curse out in Spanish. Peni and Pavtri stood on top of the building with no luck of achieving their goal, "Yeah, about that..." Peni began.

Gwen let out a low groan, "Don't tell me... Hobie?"

"Yeah." The two sounded so bum about this outcome and exhausted.

"And Miguel?" She asked.

Pavtri answered, "He's uhhh..." Seeing his leader still ranting out loud in anger, "might need a drink later..."

"Oh god!" Gwen growls.

Then Miles' voice appeared, "What? What happened? Did the mission failed?" He had tied up the Dr. Oct variant up with metal bars. Then stood with his friend being confused.

"Guess." She sighs being exhausted.

"What did Hobie do this time?" Miles' voice already sounded drained knowing full well this was his boyfriend's doings. "Gawd, please tell he didn't jump in the infected?"

"He jumped in the infected." They all said with tiredness in their voice a bit annoyed at that.

"UGHHH! Let me go get him!" Miles groans, "Gwen, you have to go over there and help them. I'll be here and bring back Hobie since he's acting like a damn two year old!"

"Okay, be careful. Hobie might be a monster and hurt you." Gwen pointed out then chuckles, "Ha, that sounded stupid when I said that out loud."

"Then, I'll whack the shit out of him for being dumb!" Miles huffs already headed out to search for his man. Gwen went over to the other group to help them out with their goal in breaking in the building to let Lyla have control.

Meanwhile, Miles spotted his boyfriend causing a mess. "NO, HOBIE! PUT THAT DOWN!" He jump behind his boyfriend being a few inches away.

Possessed Hobie made sounds out of his mouth, this was Shathra all over again! Miles crosses his arms, "Hobie, you are in big trouble! Why did you turned into this?"

"Grr... hissssss, SsSSUNFLOWER!" His Spider-Punk happily rushes over to give him a hug knowing a familiar scent and face. His Sunflower being present had brought back his memories and focus on being his Spider-Punk self.

"Bae, you're infected! Stay put." Miles took a step back.

"NNNOOOO, Sunflower! Huuuggg meee!" He follows his boyfriend wanting affection.

Miles was able to lead his boyfriend away from the rest of the infected into the building where Dr. Oct was capture. His Spider-Punk fighting off any infected trying to get close to him, which was a good thing that infection isn't madding the punker.

Hobie snuggle his Sunflower when having the chance, "Sunflower!"

"Hobie, if you bite me, I will give you the Silent treatment." His Sunflower warned him as he types into the computer to have the building where his friends are opened up.

"Nooooooo!" He buries his face into his shoulder wanting cuddles. "Pay attention to me!"

"Okay, guys. I got it." He said through the intercom as his boyfriend became super needy.

"Alright, we're in!" Gwen answered.

After all that, the mission became a success. Lyla was able to make a cure, and had everyone turned back to normal. Miles grab his boyfriend's shirt giving him a full blown lecture, "Next time, you decided to let your intrusive thoughts get in your way, I will personally punish you, Hobie! No means No! I know, damn well you only did it to piss off Miguel."

Hobie stupidly stand with his legs a few inches apart to be on his boyfriend's level, his Spider-Punk mask being so bug eyed. "You're going to punish me, luv? Kinky."

"Oh shut up!" Miles keeping his serious attitude, "Next time, your not gonna be in a mission with me."

"Nooo, luv! Don't be so cruel!" His punker whines, seeing how much he upsetter his boyfriend. "Don't ignore me."

Miles gave him the silent treatment. Gwen slurp her slushie, "So... you think it was worth it?" She looks at Hobie.

Peni and Pavtri chuckles seeing the punker being dragged by holding on Miles' ankles. Good that what's he gets.

[just-some-random-blogger]

Wow. What can I say but wow (Owen Wilson voice) but also wow (solemnly)

How do I even begin to process this? How do I even ????????

[future me edit: this is really fucking long 💀💀💀🤣🤣 I JUST HAVE A LOT TO SAY OK]

First of all this makes me want to write a Joel angst too. Like 100000 of them cos this is so

As you sat there in the dimly lit living room, the weight of Joel's words hung heavily in the air.

This was so beautifully written. Also I love it when you use inner turmoil. I keep saying imma steal that but I keep forgetting HAHAAHAHHAHA

Joel stared at the floor, avoiding your gaze. "I love you. So much. More than I ever thought I could love someone. But, I can't keep pretending that I can give you everything you deserve. I'm 35, and I've lived a life that's... complicated. I don't want to tie you down, especially when you have so much of the world left to explore."

🤨✋ PAUSE. PAUZEEE MADAME. leave him. leave his ass.

First of all, if you're with someone who thinks they're going to hold you back LEAVE THEM COS THEY WILL THEYRE TELLING ON THEMSELVES.

Second of all, not him acting like 35 is old dafaq??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LIVED A LIFE??? GIRL LIFE STARTS AT 30 COS THATS WHEN YOU GET UR SHIT TOGETHER HELLO?????

ALSO SHES 25????????????????????????? WHAT IS SHE DOING THAT YOU CAN NO LONGER DO??? CLIMB UP THE FUCKING STAIRS? HELLO???? EARTH TO JOEL???? ITS GIVING SELF-RIGHTEOUS PRICK, ITS GIVING SAVIOR COMPLEX?????

👩‍⚖️LEAVE HIS ASS.👩‍⚖️ NEXT 🥱

"I don't want you to look back one day and regret being with me," he continued, his voice gentle as he clasps both of your hands in his. "I couldn’t live with myself if one day you look at me and all I’d see is regret in your eyes. I want you to experience the world, to find your own path. I know you'll go on to do amazing things, and I don't want to be the reason you didn't." His eyes glimmered with tears. 

He thinks he's musty and dusty and not worth staying for. Leave his bum ass rat face ass ROIGHT NIOW 🤮🤮🤮

AND ANOTHER THING THE FACT HE CANT IMAGINE SEEING THE WORLD WITH YOU ✋✋✋✋✋😒😒😒😒😒😒

🗣️THATS🗣️SO🗣️ FUCKING🗣️TELLING🗣️🗣️OF🗣️HIMMMM🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️MISS ME WITH THAT BULLSHIT FUCK OFF

“And what about what I want?” You stared back at him, defiant. “What if I want to be here with you?”

EXACTLY. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH QUEEN. IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. UNFORTUNATELY UR MANS BARELY GOT TWO BRAIN CELLS BUT OKAY GO OFF I GUESS

He smiled softly and shook his head. “You know, I could be selfish and keep you here with me. But what can you achieve in this town, really? You had such big dreams when we met, remember? Don’t think I forgot.” 

🧍‍♀️ aur. .......... 😗😗😗👁️👄👁️ and I oop. 😬😬😬 That's what he meant....

She has dreams and ambitions....... Aurr......... Aurr ......... See okay now Joel's got a point........... Aur.... See see ☝️

“Dreams change.” was all you managed to get out before your throat started to tighten and you felt the prickling of tears in your eyes.

SPEAK YOUR TRUTH KWEENNNNNNNNNNNN. But yah I get where Joel's coming from. Ya really can't tell cos you'll be riddled with what ifssss 😔 but what about love ?? Is that really not a what if you're willing to take?

Ok. Joel NTA (not the asshole in case you didn't know HAHAHHAAHH)

Joel pulled you in for a hug and buried his face in your shoulder. “Don’t change them for me. Never for me.” 

😗😬 AUR. CUZ. CUZ. ☝️ HES GOT A POINT. CAPN SHE THREW A CURVE BALL AT US WE CURRENTLY DONT KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING NOR HOW WE FEEL.

But we love it here

Deep down, you knew you had to go. Not because you wanted to, but because you knew Joel would never forgive himself if you didn’t. It was ironic and so painfully stupid that it hurt - he thought this breakup would help you and you went through with it to help him. 

I COULDN'T FIND IT BUT THERE IS THIS VIDEO OF A KPOP BOY COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY AND ONE OF HIS GROUP MATES TURNED TO HIM AND STARTED WAVING AND SAID BYE that's how I feel HAHAHAH

So there you went. You packed your bags and you were out of there in less than a week. You moved in with a friend in New York for a couple of months until you secured a stable job and an apartment. You followed Joel's advice, exploring the world, pursuing your dreams, and building a life that was uniquely your own. You missed him more than you cared to admit, but you knew that his intentions had been pure, and in a way, it did benefit you. 

🗣️AS🗣️YOU🗣️SHOULD🗣️QUEEN🗣️GETIM🗣️ but also pure intentions is a stretch. Like he did this so that he wouldn't feel guilty in the future too so he's overcompensating for something that hasn't happened yet which also might not even happen. Well/good intentions tho, sure. Ig.

You try to think back to every interaction they had during the course of your relationship but it had never been more than polite small talk at neighbourhood gatherings or run-ins at the grocery store. Wasn’t she married?

No cuz fuck that shit. That's fucked up. That's cold. That's low.

Fuck this. You double tap the picture, giving it a “like”. This will give them something to talk about, you think spitefully. He wanted me to move on with my life? Well this is me, moved on. As you throw your phone to the other side of the bed, the pain finally sinks in and you cry into your pillow, wondering if you truly, will ever move on. 

🗣️AS🗣️SHE🗣️FATHER🗣️FUCKING🗣️SHOULD🗣️RAT🗣️ASS🗣️CRETIN🗣️GOOD🗣️FOR🗣️NOTHING🗣️MAN🗣️

People would kill for the life you have and you will NOT be ungrateful about it. 

😔😔😔😔😔 aw. Awie. ouch. 😃😃😃 DAMN BRUH CUZ NEEDING TO BE GRATEFUL IN A SITUATION SOMETIMES SUCKS ASS YOU SHOULD BUT ALSO FUCK IM MISERABLE OVA ERE LEMME LIVE

He whispers your name, almost in disbelief as his brows furrow. “Hey. Wow.” 

HAHAH WAIT I DIDNT REALIZE THIS GIRL SAID OH WOW WHAT A FITTING MEME. NO CUZ I WANT TO BE THAT EX. MAKE YOU GO HEY. WOW. COS 💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅

AS YOU SHOULD SHE IS DATTTT GWWWWOOORRLLLLLLLLLLLLL SLAAYYYYYYYYY NUFFIN ELSE TO SAY BUT HEY WOW 😩😩😩😩😩 GOT THE WHOLE GROUP CHAT GAGGGEDDDD

He’s older, grayer, but damn him, he still looks so fucking good.

HAHAHHAAH NOT CUZ I ZONED OUT AND THOUGHT IT SAID GAYER AND I WAS LIKE OOP SLAY A GAY CHARACTER ENTRANCE BUT THEN I WAS LIKE HUH??? WHY IS THERE A GAY FRIEND??? then I saw it was gray 💀💀💀 HAHAHHAAH

You stand there staring for a moment, while he examines the box of Cap’n Crunch.

Canon Pedro character lore, liking capn crunch. That's his fav right???? LMAOO AHAHAH

Somehow this exchange cuts you deeper than the day he broke up with you. When did you become people who could barely speak 3 words to each other? 

😩😩😩😬😬😬😬😬🫣🫣🫣 I CAN SEE IT NOW HER VILLAIN ORIGIN STORY. WOOF

At that, he visibly stiffens and clears his throat as he replies, “Oh, Cassie and I aren’t together anymore. Well we were never.. But we kind of.. Yeah she’s not in the picture. It’s just me and Sarah.” 

😃😃✋✋✋✋✋✋🤪🤪🤪🤪🫨🫨🫨😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵😵😨😨😨😰😰😰🙀🙀🙀 LISTEN I COULD PUT A MEME BUT IM ON MOBILE AND I CAN ONLY PUT 10 PICS IM TRYNA CONSERVE THEM BUT LIKE NDJSJDJSJJS BROOOOOOOOOOO SHE LEFT YOU YOUR FOOKIN REBOUND LEFT YOU AND LEFT YOU A BABY 💀💀💀💀🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣 THATS SO EMBARRASSING FOR YOUR SOUL AND ?????? SO FUCKED UP FOR YOU AND FOR HEE OBVI BUT FOR YOU TOO BRO CUZ IMAGINE NOT EVEN LOVING THAT WOMAN AND HAVING HER GENETIC DNA LIFE WITH YOURS IN A HUMAN AND YOULL HAVE THAT HUMAN WITH YOU FOREVER or I mean till she gets shot 😶 sorry ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

“No, wait. Can we talk, please? I.. I’ve missed you. I want to talk.” Joel steps towards you as if to stop you from leaving but then holds himself back. 

[RUNNING AWAY SCREAMING AND CRYING]

“I don’t think we have anything much to say to each other anymore, Joel, don’t you think?” You chuckle a little to mask the overwhelming urge to cry. 

AS SHE SHOULD SHE ATE SHE LEFT NO CRUMBS SHE SPOKE HER TRUTH SHE SPOKE OUR TRUTH THE GROUP CHAT IS WILD SHE LIKE ME FOR REAL TELL IM THEN CRYYYYY SLAYYY

“I just want to know how you’re doing.” He looks at the ground, like a puppy scolded by his owner and you know you can’t resist the floodgates that pour out. You take a deep breath and let it all out in one exhale.

NO CUZ ITS GIVING PATHETIC BUT ALSO I MEAN YEAH HE IS PATHETIC HE KNOWS HE IS I MEAN YEAH THEY BOTH KINDA ARE I MEAN YEAH LEAVE HIS ASSSS FUCKING LEAVVVEERE

“Fine. You want to know? I’m doing great, just as you said I would. I make a ridiculous amount of money every year, I have a fancy apartment that overlooks the city, I have nice friends and a good life. It’s everything you wanted for me.” 

🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️ wow she went. off. [Huffs] [insert zuko meme]

“You deserve it. I knew you would.” He says, nodding with a sad smile.

🤨🤨🤨😃😃😃✋✋✋🤪🤪🙃🙃🙃 GO ON KING GIVE US NOTHING

He stands stunned for a moment, his eyes concerned and brows furrowed. He eventually steps fully in front of you this time. His hands hesitate, as if he doesn't know where to put them, until he settles for your shoulders. “I’m sorry. I thought.. I thought you would be–” 

WAIT I DIDNT COPY THE PART WHERE SHE SAYS THEN WHY ARENT I HAPPY 🤪🤪🤪💀💀💀💀💀💀👁️👄👁️ nO CUZ WHAT IS THAT KEJEJEEJ THATS SO REAL OF HER NO CUZ BRO. [bIGGGGGG SIGHHHHHHHH]

[FUTURE ME EDIT I WENT BACK TO COPY IT COS-]

“So why don’t I feel happy yet?” You can’t believe it but you actually start to cry. Here in the middle of the damn cereal aisle in front of your ex-boyfriend. 

I LITERALLY GASPED AT THIS AND SAID MAAM THIS IS A WALMART AND THEN RIGHT AFTER I READ THE PART WHERE YOU WROTE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN CERAL AISLE HAHAHA NO CUZ SAME THOUGHTS FOR REAL GIRL 😭😭😭😭✋✋✋✋✋ THIS IS THE DOLLAR SHOPPPPPP 😩😩😩😩 SOS. HYPERMARKET WHO I ONLY KNOW HYPER-REACTIONS 💅🫦

POOJA WHAT IS THISSSSSSS WHAT IS THIS BEHAVIOR WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THOUGHT GAGO KA PALA MARAMING NAMAMATAY SA MALING INAKALA (SO YOURE [curse word GAGO] SO MANY PEOPLE DIE BECAUSE OF WRONG ... ASSUMPTIONS [??? YEAH IT THINK ITS ASSUMPTION ABHAHAHAH])

Ok that's a filo saying but tbh I don't even know anyone who died from wrong assumptions... At least personally jdjejejjejsj HAHAH

You bat his hands off your shoulders. “Yeah, you did. But it doesn’t matter because what’s done is done and we’ll never get it back. Any of it.” 

SHES SUCH A QUEEN FOR SWATTING THAT PESKY LOUD ANNOYING ASSUMING ASSUMERA FLY SLAYYYY

He says your name, pleadingly. 

TAKE MY FUCKING NAME OUCHO FUCKING MOUTH

“No, I don’t blame you. I left, didn't I? It was my decision too. I guess deep down some part of me thought I would be better off. And in a way I am. I really am. But I cannot lie to you and say that I’m happy Joel, because I’m not. And nothing will change that. Because this is my life now.” 

🫨🫨🫨🫨🫨😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️ NO CUZ ITS THE IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE FOR ME ✋✋✋✋✋ ITS THE THIS IS THE FUCKING WHAT IF YOULL FOREVER FUCKING THINK ABOUT. OOF. OOF. OOF.

A moment of silence passes between the two of you as the weight of the years of separation hangs there. “I’m not either,” he whispers. 

😒😒😒🙄🙄🙄🤨🤨🤨🫤🫤🫤 I don't remember fucking asking tho

“I’m not.. happy. Cassie and I had a fling when I was heartbroken and dealing with our breakup. She had just gotten divorced and I was.. I was planning to ask for you back. I was prepared to get on a fucking airplane and beg on my knees until you took me back. Whether that meant moving you back home or me moving here, it didn’t matter to me. We’d make it work. I just wanted you to know that I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have decided for you.” He places his hands on your shoulders again, and you let them stay this time. 

Why didn't you? 🤨 ??? 🧍‍♀️

Translation of this: [but] why do you look like you're mad. Why is it like it's my fault

THATS LAST PART BAKIT PARANG KASALANAN KO???? HELLLO????

IF YOU WANTED TO YOU WOULD HAVE??? HELLO???? HELLOO BE SO FUCKING FOR REAL??? LIKE SO WHAT??? YOU DIDNT DO IT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT IT??? DAFAQ

He continues, speaking quickly as if a dam has burst. “But then Cassie got pregnant. And I knew I had to make a choice. [...]

You did that. You chose to do that. You had a plane ticket but you chose to find solace in another person's arms to forget about them. You dug your own grave. Again it's like telling on you. I know people have moments of weaknesses and yada yada but like BIGGGGG SIGHHHH THATS WHAT YOU CHOSE TO DOOOOOOO❗❗❗❗❗❗❗

We said we’d try to raise the kid together and be a family but.. A few months after Sarah was born she just left. Literally, took off and left, and I have no idea where she went. Frankly, I don’t even care. And then I got so busy with the kid and then years passed, and I just lost the timing. What, am I just supposed to call you up 10 years after breaking up with you, telling you what a joke my life has become? How I’ve regretted every moment since you packed your bags?” 

You let all of his words sink in for a while before choking out, “And what do I do with all this information now? What do you expect me to do?” 

👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅😩😩😩😩😩😩😩🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦🫨🫨🫨🫨 CROWD LEFT SHOOQ QUEEN BEHAVIOR SHE 👏SPOKE👏HER👏TRUTTHHHH👏 AS SHE SHOULD QUEEN SHE LIKE ME FOR REALLLL LIKE GIRL???

You nod, your brain not fully able to come up with words at this point, so he continues. “If you’d told me you were happy, I would have swallowed my pride, wished you well, and walked out of this store with the knowledge that at least all this pain has finally brought you joy. But we’re both hurting now, so what does that make us?” 

Tangang bobong inutil walang kwentang gagong ulol fucking shit rat dull headed stupid ass dipshit loser. Pathetic simply put. ////: tbh both of u I'm not sorry maybe for YN a bit

“Two idiots crying in the cereal aisle?” You offer with a small chuckle through your tears. 

😬😬😬😬😬 ok yeah that works too ig. I liked mine better

He shakes his head before looking into your eyes. “You know what the sick part is? 10 years ago I told you I never wanted you to look at me with regret in your eyes. Yet here you are.” 

It only took him 10 years.

NO CUZ YEAH JOEL I WAS SCREAMING (silently) WHEN I WAS READING THIS GIRL GET A FUCKING GRIP

“Maybe.” He replies cheekily, smiling softly. With that, he pulls you in for a hug and the familiar waft of his cologne transports you back to 10 years ago when you hugged in his living room before saying goodbye, when you used to cuddle together so close at night, when he used to hug you before leaving for work. Your memories together flash before your eyes like a sick Hallmark movie except this time you know the ending. 

NO CUZ THISSSSSSSSSSSSSS. THIS FUCKING HURT. SMELLS MAKE ME FEEL THINGS YOU KNOW 😩😩😩😩😵‍💫😭😭😭😭 GOSH

You feel the press of his lips against your head and you swear you hear him whisper the words “I love you” but you can’t be sure because your heart is pounding and you can feel it in your ears. Your life from this point on will always be divided into before and after. The point where you know, you just know, the choice you made is irreversible. You will never have Joel Miller ever again.

😃🙃🤪 fuck. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY *INSERT ZUKO MEME*

WAIT I LOST ANOTHER PART AGAIN WHERE THEY WERE DIVERGING WITH THE SHOPPING CARTS KEJDJDJDJ I WAS THINKING IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ICIER IF WE STARTED IN THE SUPERMARKET AND WORKED OUT WAY BACK AND FUCKING WENT TO PRESENT AND JUST FUCJING

CUZ THATS WHAT ITS GIVING ITS GIVING VERY MUCH LAUNDRY AND TAXES 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Joel looks at his daughter and wonders what it would be like if this kid was yours, and you stare at your phone, a message from your new date asking you to confirm a meeting time flashing on your screen.

No cuz Joel's is kinda fucked up. I mean I know what he means but also that's like changing the kid altogether,like genetically so Sarah wouldn't be Sarah you know.... Ok ive overthunkthunk this thunking thing 💀💀💀

Do I even have to say I enjoyed this??? I enjoyed this. Pls keep posting and don't delete ur work just cuz ugly people have boyfriends and you dont 😔😔😔😔😩😩

I Hope You're Happy / Joel Miller x Reader

Description: Joel breaks up with you, thinking that he's setting you free to chase your dreams. And you do. And he gets another girl pregnant. And you meet each other in the cereal aisle of the grocery store. And you hope the other is happy. But you're not. You're both not.

Word count: 2.6k

A/N: Angst angst angst. No outbreak AU.

Deep down, you knew this day would come. What did you expect, dating someone 10 years older than you? You just didn’t think it would come this soon. Or that it would hurt this much. 

As you sat there in the dimly lit living room, the weight of Joel's words hung heavily in the air. It had been a typical evening, sharing a meal and telling each other about your day, but something felt different tonight. The air seemed heavy with tension and Joel’s smiles didn’t really reach his eyes, betraying an inner turmoil that you hadn't seen before.

"Listen," he began, his voice tinged with regret, "I’ve been thinking a lot about something."

You felt a knot tightening in your stomach as you nodded, prompting him to continue.

Joel stared at the floor, avoiding your gaze. "I love you. So much. More than I ever thought I could love someone. But, I can't keep pretending that I can give you everything you deserve. I'm 35, and I've lived a life that's... complicated. I don't want to tie you down, especially when you have so much of the world left to explore."

You tried to understand his perspective. Tried to see where he was coming from but all you could think was, Why now? Why now when I’ve already fallen in love with you?

"I don't want you to look back one day and regret being with me," he continued, his voice gentle as he clasps both of your hands in his. "I couldn’t live with myself if one day you look at me and all I’d see is regret in your eyes. I want you to experience the world, to find your own path. I know you'll go on to do amazing things, and I don't want to be the reason you didn't." His eyes glimmered with tears. 

“And what about what I want?” You stared back at him, defiant. “What if I want to be here with you?”

He smiled softly and shook his head. “You know, I could be selfish and keep you here with me. But what can you achieve in this town, really? You had such big dreams when we met, remember? Don’t think I forgot.” 

He was right. You passed on a few big job opportunities in New York when you settled down with Joel, and you kept telling yourself you’d apply next week, which became next month, next year, until it never happened. Suddenly a fancy job and new apartment in the Big Apple didn’t seem appealing anymore. Not when you had Joel. 

“Dreams change.” was all you managed to get out before your throat started to tighten and you felt the prickling of tears in your eyes.

Joel pulled you in for a hug and buried his face in your shoulder. “Don’t change them for me. Never for me.” 

Deep down, you knew you had to go. Not because you wanted to, but because you knew Joel would never forgive himself if you didn’t. It was ironic and so painfully stupid that it hurt - he thought this breakup would help you and you went through with it to help him. 

So there you went. You packed your bags and you were out of there in less than a week. You moved in with a friend in New York for a couple of months until you secured a stable job and an apartment. You followed Joel's advice, exploring the world, pursuing your dreams, and building a life that was uniquely your own. You missed him more than you cared to admit, but you knew that his intentions had been pure, and in a way, it did benefit you. 

You have proper savings now, and you are a fully independent adult, carving your way painfully through a year of hard work, job searches, apartment hunting - all while navigating a broken heart. And while you love your new life, late at night in the dark of your fancy new apartment overlooking the city skyline, you often found yourself thinking, was it all worth it? 

But you shake your head out of the daze eventually. Because if it isn’t worth it then all the pain and all the tears were for nothing. So you had to love this life. Forced yourself to love it because that’s what Joel wanted for you. Joel. Even now, you still live for Joel. 

Until you didn’t. Your fingers freeze on your phone as you read the caption on Cassie’s new instagram post with a man who looks all too familiar. 

Excited to welcome a new chapter into our lives. 👶❤️

Your stomach sinks. Your phone drops to the bed. And tears sting your eyes. No. It can’t be. You pick up the phone again and there he is. Your Joel, messy hair as if he just rolled out of bed and his scruffy beard. Smiling at Cassie who’s holding a picture of an ultrasound. CASSIE? And JOEL?

You try to think back to every interaction they had during the course of your relationship but it had never been more than polite small talk at neighbourhood gatherings or run-ins at the grocery store. Wasn’t she married? Fuck this. You double tap the picture, giving it a “like”. This will give them something to talk about, you think spitefully. He wanted me to move on with my life? Well this is me, moved on. As you throw your phone to the other side of the bed, the pain finally sinks in and you cry into your pillow, wondering if you truly, will ever move on. 

In the years that pass, you try to distract yourself with work and your new friendships. On paper, your life in New York was going swimmingly well and you had even dated a couple of nice guys. Dating still gives you a little twinge in the heart but you ignore it for the most part. People would kill for the life you have and you will NOT be ungrateful about it. 

But of course, life is never that simple. Just when you think you’re able to find happiness, you get thrown a curveball. And this curveball came in the form of Joel Miller, standing in the cereal aisle of your local grocery store. He’s older, grayer, but damn him, he still looks so fucking good. You stand there staring for a moment, while he examines the box of Cap’n Crunch. As he puts the box back down and glances up, he meets your eyes and you hate this cliche, but you swear to God, time stands still. 

He whispers your name, almost in disbelief as his brows furrow. “Hey. Wow.” 

“Hey.” 

“You… How are you?” 

“I’m good. Yourself?” 

“Yeah great.”

Somehow this exchange cuts you deeper than the day he broke up with you. When did you become people who could barely speak 3 words to each other? 

Trying to alleviate the clenching of your heart, you speak up. “What are you doing here? This is the last place I thought I’d ever run into you.” 

He chuckles softly. “Yeah, I uh.. Tommy’s up here meeting a couple of friends and asked me to tag along. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out by the way, I should have texted when I knew we were heading –” 

You cut him off, not wanting to hear lies. “No, that’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to. You must be busy now anyways with the kid.” 

His eyes soften at that, guilt and pain flashing through them but you push on. “It’s fine, really. You’re not obligated to tell me these things. I just saw on Cassie’s instagram. Is she here too?” 

At that, he visibly stiffens and clears his throat as he replies, “Oh, Cassie and I aren’t together anymore. Well we were never.. But we kind of.. Yeah she’s not in the picture. It’s just me and Sarah.” 

Sarah. He had a girl. A little girl. Your stomach twists and you kind of feel like throwing up so you try to find an exit. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Well, Sarah is lucky to have you. I always knew you’d make a good dad.” 

He smiles for the first time in this conversation. “Truthfully, I have no idea what I’m doing half the time but she’s a good kid.” 

Enough. Enough. Enough. “Well, it was nice meeting you again Joel, and I’m glad you’re doing well–” 

“No, wait. Can we talk, please? I.. I’ve missed you. I want to talk.” Joel steps towards you as if to stop you from leaving but then holds himself back. 

“I don’t think we have anything much to say to each other anymore, Joel, don’t you think?” You chuckle a little to mask the overwhelming urge to cry. 

“I just want to know how you’re doing.” He looks at the ground, like a puppy scolded by his owner and you know you can’t resist the floodgates that pour out. You take a deep breath and let it all out in one exhale.

“Fine. You want to know? I’m doing great, just as you said I would. I make a ridiculous amount of money every year, I have a fancy apartment that overlooks the city, I have nice friends and a good life. It’s everything you wanted for me.” 

“You deserve it. I knew you would.” He says, nodding with a sad smile.

“So why don’t I feel happy yet?” You can’t believe it but you actually start to cry. Here in the middle of the damn cereal aisle in front of your ex-boyfriend. 

He stands stunned for a moment, his eyes concerned and brows furrowed. He eventually steps fully in front of you this time. His hands hesitate, as if he doesn't know where to put them, until he settles for your shoulders. “I’m sorry. I thought.. I thought you would be–” 

You bat his hands off your shoulders. “Yeah, you did. But it doesn’t matter because what’s done is done and we’ll never get it back. Any of it.” 

He says your name, pleadingly. 

“No, I don’t blame you. I left, didn't I? It was my decision too. I guess deep down some part of me thought I would be better off. And in a way I am. I really am. But I cannot lie to you and say that I’m happy Joel, because I’m not. And nothing will change that. Because this is my life now.” 

A moment of silence passes between the two of you as the weight of the years of separation hangs there. “I’m not either,” he whispers. 

“What?” 

“I’m not.. happy. Cassie and I had a fling when I was heartbroken and dealing with our breakup. She had just gotten divorced and I was.. I was planning to ask for you back. I was prepared to get on a fucking airplane and beg on my knees until you took me back. Whether that meant moving you back home or me moving here, it didn’t matter to me. We’d make it work. I just wanted you to know that I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have decided for you.” He places his hands on your shoulders again, and you let them stay this time. 

He continues, speaking quickly as if a dam has burst. “But then Cassie got pregnant. And I knew I had to make a choice. We said we’d try to raise the kid together and be a family but.. A few months after Sarah was born she just left. Literally, took off and left, and I have no idea where she went. Frankly, I don’t even care. And then I got so busy with the kid and then years passed, and I just lost the timing. What, am I just supposed to call you up 10 years after breaking up with you, telling you what a joke my life has become? How I’ve regretted every moment since you packed your bags?” 

You let all of his words sink in for a while before choking out, “And what do I do with all this information now? What do you expect me to do?” 

He’s tearing up and his voice rises a little as he replies, “Nothing. I don’t expect nothing. I just needed you to know that I never spent a day without thinking of you or loving you. And that I’m sorry. And that I wish you were happy, because if you were, then at least all of this bullshit would be worth it. But you’re not.” 

You nod, your brain not fully able to come up with words at this point, so he continues. “If you’d told me you were happy, I would have swallowed my pride, wished you well, and walked out of this store with the knowledge that at least all this pain has finally brought you joy. But we’re both hurting now, so what does that make us?” 

“Two idiots crying in the cereal aisle?” You offer with a small chuckle through your tears. 

He breathes out a small laugh. “Yeah. That it does.” 

A woman passing through the aisle snaps you both back to reality as you wipe your tears and gather yourselves. “It is really good to see you, Joel. And.. thank you for telling me all of it. It doesn’t change anything but I think I needed to hear it.” 

He shakes his head before looking into your eyes. “You know what the sick part is? 10 years ago I told you I never wanted you to look at me with regret in your eyes. Yet here you are.” 

You nod and smile sadly. There’s nothing left to say. 

His gaze turns soft. “I hope you’ll be happy someday. Maybe not now, but someday.” 

“Maybe. And yourself?” 

“Maybe.” He replies cheekily, smiling softly. With that, he pulls you in for a hug and the familiar waft of his cologne transports you back to 10 years ago when you hugged in his living room before saying goodbye, when you used to cuddle together so close at night, when he used to hug you before leaving for work. Your memories together flash before your eyes like a sick Hallmark movie except this time you know the ending. 

You feel the press of his lips against your head and you swear you hear him whisper the words “I love you” but you can’t be sure because your heart is pounding and you can feel it in your ears. Your life from this point on will always be divided into before and after. The point where you know, you just know, the choice you made is irreversible. You will never have Joel Miller ever again.

As you pull away, you both tearfully smile and look at each other for the last time. You spend a good minute just looking, memorizing the other’s face. You both don’t bother with the polite pleasantries of promising to keep in touch because you know that would be a lie. It would be too painful. This is your fate now. 

You walk past each other, leaving your memories and feelings behind in the dust of your footprints. To passersby, you look like strangers. Passing each other in the cereal aisle, meeting for a moment and then never again. And maybe that’s what you are now. Strangers, destined to be in each other’s lives for a moment, and then never again. 

Joel eventually goes back home to Austin, and you stay in your beautiful apartment which seems to be mocking you with how big and yet empty it feels. 

Joel looks at his daughter and wonders what it would be like if this kid was yours, and you stare at your phone, a message from your new date asking you to confirm a meeting time flashing on your screen.

Joel wonders what life would be like if you’d stayed. You wonder the same thing.

Tag list: @just-some-random-blogger @joeldjarin @pattwtf

[rebeccccccaaa]

𝚃𝚠𝚘 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝙳𝚊𝚍𝚍𝚢

________________________

𝙱𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝙱𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛

𝚁𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚍: ANON Hey you ❤️ Could I request an imagine with Bucky where you are his non-avenger girlfriend but you got really distant towards him lately as you found out you're pregnant and you're scared of his reaction? But then he finds out and is all happy and all other avengers are happy for you and insist on taking care of you and it's just all fluffy ? Thank you a lot ❤️

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: really fluff smut 18+ (praise, daddy kink, slight mommy kink?, breeding kink, oral fem!rec, age gap, etc), slight angst, cw: mentions of eating disorders (no one has one but bucky thinks this)

𝙰𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛’𝚜 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜: listen…. The idea of kids and having kids getting pregnant all that jazz, yeah. It fucking terrifies me! LOL! But nonetheless I really do see the appeal and sometimes i catch myself reading these kinds of fics so i really hope you like it anon! :)

PS: updates are going to slow down cuz i don’t have any drafts ready for upload and also things are a little crazy personally so yeah hope y’all understand :)

_____________________________

“You like that baby?” Bucky groaned in your ear.

“Yes daddy! Oh my god,” you moaned.

“You’re being such a good little girl for your daddy. Fuck, daddy. You're gonna make me a daddy. I’m gonna come inside you and you’re gonna get all swollen and round with my baby. You want that? You wanna be a mommy; make me a daddy?” 

Bucky and you both expressed in the past that kids were something you both wanted but with Bucky still heavily involved with missions and the avengers, and you were in college studying to get a PhD in biomechanics and computer engineering, something that would let you understand and work with Bucky specifically very closely. You were too young to have a baby but that didn’t stop you from playing into fantasies of having a family with the man you were so in love with. 

“Daddy,” you moaned.

“Give it to me, baby,” you looked him into his eyes.

Bucky kissed you hard as you both came and after cleaning yourselves up you had showered together, ate dinner quickly, and soon went to bed. 

That was two months ago. 

Three weeks after that night, Bucky was gone for about two weeks on a mission with Steve. You and the girls were drinking wine but you opted out for the tempting glasses feeling nauseous that entire week. 

As a joke, the girls were saying you were pregnant but you were sure that you and Bucky were always cautious when having sex. It wasn’t a good time to have a baby. So you joked that all three of you should take a pregnancy test and when yours came out positive you freaked out. 

“Oh my god! Bucky’s gonna kill me!” you panicked.

“Hey, relax. It’s ok,” Nat comforted you.

“We can get through this. Now did Bucky explicitly say he doesn’t want kids?” Wanda asked.

“No, we both want kids it’s just, ugh, life is so fucking crazy right now and I’m still in school, Bucky’s going on missions all the time. It’s just not a good time to have a baby.”

“Ok think about it this; if life for us was normal, as boring as that is, would Bucky be upset if you were pregnant?” Nat reasoned.

“No, he would be so happy. He wants to be a dad, it’s just so sudden,” you said in distress.

“It’s always sudden with this situation. But what’s more important is that you have support. Whatever your decision is in the end we'll all support you, even Bucky,” Nat told you.

Bucky came back home and immediately knew that there was something that was upsetting you. You promised him that you were alright but you were conflicted. You tried to tell him, you really did, but there wasn’t a good time. 

One night Bucky tried to initiate sex when you two had the tower to yourselves. You were instantly distant with him afraid he’d take one look at your naked body and know you were pregnant and that freak you out. 

“Baby, are you ok?” Bucky asked that night.

“Yeah, I just don’t feel good,” you didn’t actually lie, the pregnancy did affect your appetite drastically and many foods you used to adore before were repulsive to you. 

“Oh ok, do you need anything?” he was concerned.

“No, I think I’m ok.”

Now present day, you and Bucky hadn’t had sex since. It’s been a little over two months and Bucky wasn’t frustrated per say but he missed you; he missed having his hands on your warm and soft skin. He missed the way you squirmed under him and the little whimpers you made. How good your walls felt as he thrusted in and out of you torturously slow. 

You two were in the kitchen sitting with some of the other team members. So far only Nat and Wanda knew about your pregnancy as hard as it was to not tell Vision or Steve or literally anyone. You stared at the breakfast sitting in front of you; it used to be your favorite but looking at it and smelling it was making you extremely nauseous. 

“Baby?” Bucky rubbed your back.

“Hm?”

“Why aren’t you eating? It’s your favorite,” he said.

“I’m not too hungry,” you said.

Bucky wasn’t convinced but because you were in front of other people he didn’t want you to feel embarrassed like a father scolding a teenager. His hand rested on your thigh and immediately felt your leg tense up. 

You retracted and stood up walking away without saying a word and Bucky was confused and followed you quickly shoving as much food in his mouth as he could and tossed his plate in the sink. 

“What’s going on with them?” Steve asked.

“Oh no are they gonna break up?” Sam asked with genuine concern, as much as he fucked around with Buck he did admire your relationship. You are really good for him and he loved you unconditionally.

“No, it’s just-” Wanda started.

“Wanda,” Nat warned. 

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” she rolled her eyes, “There fine. Y/n’s just not feeling well and she doesn’t want to be bothered.”

Bucky walked into your shared room and found you changing into yet another hoodie. That’s when he started piecing things together; or at least he thought. You were always wearing very big clothing and covering your body; that he thought was the most beautiful he’d ever laid eyes on. You were constantly nauseous and refused to eat even some of your favorites dishes and meals. You wouldn’t let him touch even though he’s initiated a couple of times.

“Y/n?” Bucky asked.

“What?” you played dumb.

“Y/n, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, I told you I don’t feel good.”

“That seems to be your excuse a lot.”

“What does that mean?” you asked.

“Y/n, be honest with me. Are you starving yourself?” he had tears in his eyes; he couldn’t even think about you doing this to yourself.

“What! Bucky no! I’m not, ugh, just,” you stuttered.

“What is going on, please tell me, baby?”

“I’m pregnant!”

Silence. Bucky was shocked. You were pregnant? How long? Why didn’t you tell him? 

“I’m so sorry, Buck,” you started crying.

“No, no, no, no, don’t cry babygirl,” Bucky hugged you tightly while you sobbed into his chest.

“I’m happy, I’m really happy and excited for us. We’re gonna be a family,” he smiled.

“You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“I don’t know, I know we talk about this and having a family but not now. I thought you’d be mad at me.”

“Well, I’m a bit bummed that you didn’t tell when you found out but no; I’m so happy. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I would do anything for you. I’m gonna be here every step of the way and we’re gonna get through this together, ok?”

“Ok,” you sniffled. 

“Are you ok? Do you need anything?” Bucky already started going into protective dad mode and he just found out.

“No I just need you,” you whispered. 

“God, I love you,” Bucky picked you up and laid you on the bed littering your face in kisses.

“Does anyone else know?” he asked you.

“Well, uh, the girls,” you said.

“You told the girls?”

“Well, they were drinking and i declined because I was feeling sick and they joked that I was pregnant so we all took pregnancy tests as a joke but mine came out positive. I took two more and they were all positive,” you started tearing up.

“Hey don’t cry, it’s ok.”

“Sorry,” you laughed.

“We’re gonna be ok, right baby?” he whispered.

“Yeah, I love you.”

Bucky leaned down again and pressed kisses to your neck making you giggle. His warm hands trailed under your shirt making your skin burst into chills. Bucky’s lips continued their assault on your neck and before you knew Bucky started lifting your sweater over your head.

You did the same to Bucky and your chests were pressed against each other instantly as he kissed you hard. Bucky trailed kisses down your body slowly, hands rubbing your skin softly, lips staying longer than usual around your stomach for obvious reasons. 

Bucky peeled your sweats from your body and didn’t hesitate to dive in. His tongue licking a long strip against your pussy. You moan softly and your hips wiggled under him. He pressed down on you to keep you from squirming but you were getting very close to your orgasm and it just felt too good. 

Bucky brought his fingers and circled your entrance before inserting a finger slowly. He looked up at you moaning at his fingers and this encouraged Bucky to insert another one. His fingers slipped in and out with ease with your arousal practically dripping from you. 

Bucky leaned forward and circled his tongue around your clit. The obsecene sounds of Bucky finger fucking you echoed in the room and you finallly climax, cumming all over his finger. Bucky crawled up your tired body after taking his pants and boxers off. 

Bucky didn’t bother putting a condom considering you’ve been his only partner the past couple years and he got you pregnant. He pumped his cock a few times before grabbing your legs to wrap around his waist and easily slipped between your folds. 

“Fuck, baby girl. You feel so good,” Bucky moaned in your ear.

“Oh shit, yes,” you whimpered.

“Oh you’re gonna be so beautiful when you're all big and swollen, shit. You’re gonna be the sexiest mommy in this whole fucking world.”

“Ugh! And you’re gonna be such a sexy daddy,” you smirked and cupped his face.

He leaned down and kissed you passionately. He thrusted into you harder and your back arched into his chest, moaning high pitched and loudly. Your hands tugged on his hair and Bucky groaned in your mouth. 

“Oh Buck, I’m gonna come,”you said against his lips.

“Let go, baby. Come for me, mommy,” Bucky said. 

You came hard; your body contracted and trembled, your stomach tightened, your toes curled, and your legs pulled Bucky deep inside you, hot spurts of his cum coating your walls. Bucky settled on you but bounced back afraid he was crushing the baby.

He went to the bathroom, well practically sprinted, and returned with a warm towel to clean you up. Your body laid still while you were cleaned and you just watched Bucky with adoration. He left again and returned wearing boxers and held a bottle of your favorite lotion that you usually saved for special nights or for Tony’s parties.

You smiled and got comfortable as Bucky poured some lotion in his hand. His hands spread the lotion evenly on your body; thumbs skimming your sensitive nipples, gently caresses all over your stomach, teasing grazes along your inner thighs. You closed your eyes and felt euphoria. 

The love of your life was really pampering you and you felt so good. 

“I love you,” you whispered.

“I love you, too,” Bucky kissed your forehead, crawling into the bed with you.

“Let’s stay in all day. My girl is pregnant and she’s gonna need all the rest she can get,” Bucky joked.

“But what about-”

“No, who cares,” bucky interrupted.

“But-”

“No buts.”

“What are we gonna tell the rest of the team?”

“Oh, well. It’s your body, your comfort. You tell them when you feel it’s best. But I do hope it’s soon because I’m so happy and I don’t think i'd be able to keep this a secret for long,” Bucky dived his head in your neck making you laugh.

“Ok,” you whispered.

“Man, I’m gonna be a dad,” Bucky sighed happily.

“You’re gonna be daddy,” you said innocently.

“I’m already your daddy,” he playfully growled.

“Then you’re gonna be two types of daddy,” you smirked.

“Two types of daddy.”

=======================

TAGLIST:

@mathletemadison 

[celestialevie]

Birthday surprise // Niall Horan x singer! Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word count: 1.6k

Warnings: none

A/N: Since it's officially my birthday week and Niall's has just passed, I decided to write this very self-indulgent fic (even though I can't sing, but a girl can dream </3). I mostly wrote this for myself because I adore this human with my whole heart. Anyways hope someone will enjoy this fic just as much as I did writing it.

Finishing the first two songs, you chat a little with your fans. Noticing some of the signs they brought with them to get you to notice them, some of them making you laugh, while some of them made your heart clench with love. Sitting down at the piano, starting to play 'champagne problems'. While you were in the happiest relationship to date now, you still had some issues with your past relationships, where you were made the villain and them a victim when in reality it was the literal opposite. Niall was the blessing you were praying for. So what if you were fucked in the head? Niall loved you just the way you were.

Your birthday was coming up, and you were going to spend it while being in one of the cities you absolutely love touring in – Dublin. Although you were heartbroken because this will be the first birthday you were going to celebrate without your boyfriend, Niall. Ever since you've known him, you celebrated both of your birthdays with one another. His tour lead him to being in America during your birthday, which really sucked. You were both bummed out about it, he even offered to reschedule that concert, so he can be with you in Dublin, maybe even visit his family whilst already being in Ireland, you told him no. You didn't want to be selfish just because it's your birthday. Talking on the phone with him right from the moment he was awake (which was already in the afternoon for you). '' It feels weird to not be with you on your birthday, how will I survive without my birthday kisses and hugs from you? '' you ask while pouting. Niall chuckled and mimicked your put. '' I will give you your birthday kisses and hugs as soon as I see you. With extra ones for each day between your birthday and the day we see each other again. I promise. '' he gives you a smile. And you just pout harder. '' I really miss you. I can't wait to see you soon. '' checking the time, you realize it's almost time for you to start getting ready. '' Hey baby, I have to go start getting ready soon. I'll make sure Jenna calls you to FaceTime and shows you at least some concert if you're not busy. I love you and I miss you. '' as you say that, you hang up and quickly text your makeup artist, she can come over. Two minutes later, her and Jenna (your assistant and close friend) are in your dressing room, and you're getting ready. An hour later, you were done with your makeup and hair and all that was left was to put on your outfit. Ten minutes later, you were slowly making your way towards stage. Quickly texting Niall another I love you, and wishing him good luck on his own show later, you were off on the stage, the intro of your song' dress' starting to play as you were brought onto the stage. Let the fun begin.

After champagne problems, one of your favourite songs you wrote was next.

''... Don Perignon you brought it, no crowd of friends applauded

your hometown sceptics called it, champagne problems.''

'' A lot of you might not know, but this next song was inspired after I was done watching the amazing spider-man 2 for the millionth time. My love for Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield is unmatchable. Just ask my boyfriend, who's been hanging out with Tom Holland, how both of them are feeling betrayed by my love for both Amazing Spider-man's movies. This is How you get the girl. '' The intro of the song started playing and so were the screams of people.

Singing two more songs, you go get changed into a different outfit. Going back onto the stage, you're surprised that your manager Anna is standing there with a grin on her face.

'' Stand there like a ghost

Shaking from the rain

She'll open up the door and say 'are you insane?'

Say it's been long six months

And you were too afraid to tell her what you want, want...''

'' Uh-oh, manager is grinning, prepare yourselves guys, it's not going to be good. '' The crowd laughs while Anna rolls her eyes and smiles at you. '' We have a small surprise for you. '' as she says that, she points on the big screen behind you, when you turn around you are surprised to see a familiar face of one of your closest friends, Lewis Capaldi, wishing you a happy birthday and saying you guys need to go clubbing again soon. Laughing as his face fades away and the next one shows up, your very close friend and sometimes co-writer Taylor Swift, again wishing you the happiest birthday and saying how much she adores working with you and that she loves you very much. It went on for a while, all your friends and even your parents were there. Tears were falling down, and you didn't care it ruined your makeup. And then at the end there he was. My favourite face to see. Niall. '' Happiest birthday to you angel. I wish I could be there with you, just like we are always for our birthdays, but unfortunately I am not there to give you all the birthday hugs and wishes. I love you so much angel, keep rocking the world, and I will see you as soon as we can. '' At the end you were full on sobbing happy tears, hugging your manager and your band. The best surprise ever. '' I am very sorry for being a mess so publicly '' wiping your tears and thanking to whoever invented waterproof mascara for being the reason your makeup is not that ruined. '' Anyway, the show must go on, so let's go. '' picking up your acoustic guitar, adjusting it, you announce the song. ''You are in love. Let's go.''

''(...)

As the show is slowly coming to an end, and you're about to play a song that is about your boyfriend, that he inspired you to write. And Taylor helped you co-write it.

Morning, his place

Burnt toast, Sunday

You keep his shirt

He keeps his word

And for once, you let go

Of your fears and your ghosts

One step, not much

But it said enough

You kiss on side walks

You fight and you talk

One night he wakes

Strange look on his face

Pauses, then says

You're my best friend

And you knew what it was

He is in love. ''

'' Sadly, the show is slowly coming to an end. You guys were the absolute best and I adore spending my birthday with you all. This next song is literally one of the most accurate songs I've written about any of my relationship. When I got inspired by my loveliest boyfriend, I had to invite Taylor to help me write it, as we all know she is the lyrics master. Lover is one of my many nicknames I use for Niall, and I know that he's probably watching this or will watch it later, so hi Niall. '' you wave to one of the camera's while the crowd laughs. Gently, you start playing the guitar.

What you didn't know is that your boyfriend is a liar and is actually hiding with your assistant Jenna, waiting to come on the stage to surprise you. Of course, he wouldn't miss your birthday, even if he has to reschedule the concerts. You were absolutely worth it. As he waits for the part of the song he's gonna crash in, Jenna and Anna are making sure you don't accidentally notice Niall before time. The plan is for Anna to quickly distract you on one side while Niall comes out on the other side of the stage.

'' (...)

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever)

You're my, my, my, my

Lover '' as you sing that part, you notice Anna waving at you like a maniac, distracting you and mouthing something to you. As you're trying to figure out what is she saying, the crowd starts screaming, and you freeze as the familiar voice starts to sing the next part of the song

''Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand...''

The song soon comes to an end, and you're bringing Niall into another hug. He just smiles and wraps his arms around your waist. '' Happy birthday, angel. I hope you don't mind me crashing. '' You just shake your head while holding him as close as you can. '' You are always welcome to crash my show. The next song is your song anyway, so you might as well stay and sing with me. '' he pulls away and looks at you. '' Let's go finish this show, so I can give you all the birthday kisses and hugs you want. ''

You turn around with your hand on your mouth, as the man himself makes his way towards you. You're in absolute shock because this man is supposed to be in America. He only laughs at your reaction as he pulls you towards him in a tight hug while still singing. Hugging him back, not wanting to let go of him. Slightly pulling away, looking him directly in his beautiful blue eyes while singing.

'' I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover ''

[pndnj]

Cathartic- Yellow Metal Lyrics

Heres where I am with the lyrics, I referenced @25Goldenn on twitter for some of it that I couldn’t comprehend. 

*music*

0:23

Dark matter, like painted splatters, they fit better, the old saying, the way it goes, better the devil you do then you don’t know. I hit pedals and switch levers, my heart metal, I can't settle, im part trouble, they are not subtle. I fuck good so fuck cuddles, burst bubbles the thrist levels at new heights, i down doubles, and got baked til I felt high, my face puzzled, felt muddled, far strung and your floors woodent, the thought might but the fit wouldn’t. A fortnight

0:46 - 1:00

And I thought right, it’s all bark and no bite, I’m Tony Stark still embarking on a dream, took a bit of time to take darkness from the team. Seen what I saw. Heartless on the sleeve. Tried to burn my wings, so I put them in a piece on my chest , at peace no rest.

1:00-1:15

Flipped this on it’s head. Rip the script up now, flip it don’t pretend, slipping shit again, Fakers all around me, I’ve been living in pretense. Fake friends won’t make amends. There’s no need, these mean comments control the scenes. Attentionseekers, the spine is weakened

1:15-1:24

This family needs, what a family needs, and the planet bleeds, the damaged trees. It’s never leaving til we ascend so fuck the fence, and until they stop killing colour it’s fuck the feds.

1:22 - 1:44

You must be off it, I mean it, you know you ain’t never get with the judging and I used to dread growing my beard too long, never felt I belonged, but it's really long like a minute I ain’t looking to no mans for the limits, They’re feeling timid, I’m telling them who they mimic, why they don't look like a clinic …. Why they don't get no women, Still, we’re just fucking girls, Lost in the wrong world, Jurassic, now to this vermin

1:41-  1: 50

Kicking the game I’m serving, these losers are never learning, my fire is forever burning, adding it to my fuel, seems like I’m always focused on never becoming you, These locals that rob us feeling … was for a reason.

1:52-2:02

I’m seeing my new beginnings, watch out this loser’s winning, and no water is too deep to swim in Like I’m about to see a killing, I’m all the way that and living, flawless and feeling lawless, the prison now to the gimmicks, my vision is set to something,

2:03-:2:20

I’m watching you bitches plummet, no matches here for my cunning, you rappers are feeling done in, switching your genre, running and Running your jaw, stunting, pulling at straws, something  I think you’re a poor effort, deaf and tone deaf and I ain’t treat you separate. Living, I’m in my element, riding it like a … never lose me to fentanyl, scared when I take a benadryl. Keeping it green in general

2:20- 2:46

Think that you remain irrelevant. Look at yourself with reverence, hoping to always elevate. Celibate of these thoughts, killing themselves with sedatives. In comparison to eminem, you’re feeling feminine. Impolitically correct, still dropping on my dick. And I never gave a fuck about what they say abt my shit, I’ve been moving things in my mind like it’s this mountain dew Memories have made me wonder if one day I’m after you. What’s the purpose that you do, is what you're hoping that they learn, i’d like to say i’m done but it’s getting up on my nerves

2:46 -2:55

I’m looking at my life, saying what do I deserve. It’s hard to say I know when I’m walking through the dirt. Talking while you’re nothing I can see for what it’s worth. I’m tired of feeling hurt and I’ve tried enough but nothing works.

2:55-3:40

I’m racking up excuses while I’m slacking off on work. Chit chatting is the usual, talking to this clerk, i beg you don’t include me. I might write it on my shirt so everytime they see me, the oldest know to swerve. SWERVE Life is potent, bits of fucked shit… till they took notice weren’t  no hocus pocus, it was hard work that got me heard so i put in the graph like google maps but the whole earth

… around my door mat, taking over like the drones, rolling dirt up in miles like the water, and exploding like Annas hematoma. Don't need to see a slammer to know that I don't want to go man

I’m a showman. I’m just focused on the drama… like i’ve got my own insurance, show myself the pain, like i boxed it in the frame, if we’re about to talk greatness im great, the way you have to say my name like beyonce

“Say my name”

4:00-4:46

Just a bum with a cigarette, sun coming up, all my thoughts on the internet. Feeling deep, I’m just bored with the silhouette single sec,  get fucked up for the thrill of it . killer streak playing Pacman. Like I came from the Philippines vanilla bean still a thing for the thrill of scene,

Theres a beam, UFO, Leave it well alone  I aint moving, stood still on the peloton, telephone and its always on the dial tone,  it's been a while since i’ve smiled at a milestone, seen a big pile in my mind stone, me against the world on my Jack Jones, Like I’m John Jones, With pictures in the condo, far from John Doe, in the ___, like I'm Johnny Bravo, got pravado, with a small dick sitting in golados, feeling far gone, cuz that last hit was the good shit, was that stay lit

4:48-5:02

You can never take my shit come and get me. On the top floor,  cloud 9, fading, never bailing, felt amazing, inhaling, til my lungs two guns blazing. Overcome all the stunts that I pulled. A suit of just skin and then wool

5:02- 5:17

This life doesn’t give you no armour, a lot of myself can harm ya. I swear on what’s good, that I’m here till they take me. I pray that I’m wrinkled, at least over 80, and start moving like a ruler, ?damaged? Like a computer going fast, bars from the jeweler, bring the songs to the beach in hopes of finding tuna

5:18-5:36

…

5:36- 6:16

Grab a bat, lose my rag. Couple things got me mad, a couple people got me wrong and now I’m changing up the swag. Coming in and stealing it, I might take the whole bag. Feeling undefeated, I’m a beast with a reason, and imma lead the whole pack. Fearless like I’m Caesar, I’m just waiting for a chance to fill it up with diesel, and all I've been achieving is clocking miles in its region, moving like a legion.

Promise that I made to myself an allegiance. Do you still believe I’m a fool for ever leaving, staring at the ceiling, can never put a cap on achieving. I’m just here for the rap, then I’m leaving.

I’ve had about enough of being my own enemy, it’s time I grew up,  a long way from 17. Always went against the grain, struggles in my life. Got some things to say when I stand up on a mike.

6:16-6:32

I ain’t dropping this for fame, I need this time, like therapy, it’s just to keep me sane. The truth is on my medicine, can’t put that on your plate.

Speeding into everything, bout time I fixed the brakes. Don’t say I can’t communicate , you know I conversate with you in several different ways. And I know you know it’s references, looking at your face.

6:33- 6:53

Can’t justify mistakes, like every man that made them, seems I ain't  the one to blame. Lying to myself, only had so much to gain, so now I’m switching up the plate, see if that affects the place, im at on most days

I ain’t going with the usual so they looking at me strange. Confused, I can feel it all,  I’m here to make a change. It’s cold at 3am outside, I’m walking with the dog, thanking god that you don’t talk at all, my mind is switching off

6:54-7:12

Driving down to find myself, cuz I’ve been getting lost, lived this selfless life and found I can give a toss. Lessons that I’ve learned I’ve tried teaching to myself. What I’ve learnt from certain people is that they’re better than myself.

So I surround myself with real ones, and you feel the plastic melt. Like burning toy soldiers that used to go up on the shelf. Recycle the ideas, conveying on the belt

7:14-7:29

.. circus, always hurting the way we felt? Embarrassed that we dreamt of bigger things and letting go of notions till we feel them in cement

Tired of only hoping, we feel broken men. Cuz the gravity is weight and has kept us to the ground, see the only people speaking with favors in their mouths

7:46-7:58

Got killer rhymes… no fillers, like godzilla, eating clouds cuz my smokes thicker, throat licker, my dope sicker, bringing people their hope like im the pope slicker,  i hope you’re getting the point cuz i walk quicker

I thought my city was shit bcs I want bigger like my zipper couldn’t zip up fed up with the…my love is fickle.. Residual age has a primitive face

I see demise for your limited ways, Left it to simmer, simmer away…a fake glimmer in the haze

8:09-8:11

Feeling trapped this industry is a cage

8:34-8:50

Nobody’s speaking the truth, I’m offended by the State. Look at the state of the news, I’ve decided the argument, reciting my views, while they’ve been sat in their chairs, I’m feeling pressure to choose.

Standing here as one man, how can I do half when you’re half the person I am. If it wasn’t in your life, you didn’t choose it. It’s the funny thing about music. It’s the pain and beauty of it.

8:52-9:11

Don’t give a fuck what my suit is, it looks good so I wear it, better than the shoot that People’s wearing, changing the whole narrative for these basics and scarcity

Been facing the racists from back when i were a kiddie .born up in in 93’. been living in Bradford City..kicked me out of the schools, they had a problem with me hitting the kids that would call me p*** still sitting in the classroom chilling, and i'm angry now that I’m older I see they treat us different

9:12-9:25

got me thinking I’m the problem cuz they never dealt with those issues.

20 years later I’m still in the same boat, tryna treat me like my grandpa, say I came up off the boat. Came to tell you what I stand for, man I think you’re shit, a joke. How can I be civil, when they got me by the throat

9:25-9:35

Pushing my feelings down, you ain’t got it like them

‘Boy your skin is so light’, ok motherfucker take my name up on a flight. Try to convince immigration that your bloodline’s half white.

9:35-9:45

I don’t know how that’s acceptable, when life is more susceptible to perception, be the death of them. I’ve been looking at the sky saying where’s that day of reckoning, you had your prophets right when they say that you would speak to them.

9:45-9:55

I need justice in this life and I trust that it’s my fight, cuz when I’m writing it feels right to have them focused on the facts again. Focused on the rap again, hoping for the change, gunna put this on the map again

9:55-10:16

Writing in all caps again, the pain, it goes through me so I write the letter. All the shit that could have brought me but made me better.

I’m at home with a pain in my soul , yeh rap… cuz you know I was too real to contest it, my time was invested. Now I look at the industry, I see it infested, looking like kids who would write on nesquik.

10:17-10:29

My name ain’t on the list unless they label it ethnic.

I ain’t never gave a fuck about these jokers and jesters. Ain’t no answers for these things, so just save us the questions, man allowed of violence, cuz my silence is deafening, your opinion stinks, somebody get him a breath mint.

10:30- 10:42

Start to understand why they think that I’m threatening, I move in certain ways, couldn’t slow me with ketamine Now they all wanna hear me, got a table at letterman. Direction changed, like I changed up the lettering. Don’t believe the age ,bcs I move like a veteran.

10:42 - 10:47

Raised on the benefit for whose benefit, they’ll never learn shit, man, if the shoe fits.

…no words coming out when you open your mouth

And to be honest, it’s insulting, offensive to my wounds that have been salting. Tryna ask me questions that they know I never answer. I’d rather sit online and reply to the fan art

11:00-11:06

Fuck a sports car, coming through when i rapped

tell you what I like, farm life and the tractor

11:06- 11:17

Fake life, 'sup online, suck a fat one. You don’t wanna buy into that, none of that son. Sitting in the garden 98’ in the Datsun,  seen some hot summers but I still remember that sun.

*music*

11:51- 12:34

I make millions off of my pain, cause I know a few millions still living that way

Dealing with the hurt, they should know cause they don’t deserve it, it hit deep cause i hit the nerve. Only way that the sheep learn if the street firm, in my ways I don’t wanna change, everything just stay the same

Who you tryna convince you understand, cant maintain, let the lights dim some,  get the Chow Mein, flex, get the tape, right up at night

Why these men be nice to my face, be nice,  i ain’t tryna be a gangsta ruins my vibe

Rather be low-key and on my phone. Never need the trophy or the show piece

Never show peace in a North Face fleece. Show kids this like i wrote my flip

Cause the sign might fit till the start i’m sick

12:37-13:05

Now you see where I come from, the world don’t. Only achievement in this life is the Jordans. Committing petty crimes out of boredom, we can’t afford them. So I stole it, need a rolex

Go make sense, get yourself a job, It’s a poor man’s game tryna sit and pray to god, he ain’t sorting out your problems, gotta sort them out yourself

Used to tell us fables, now I’m writing them myself, Cause we raw like animals we all just need some help

Cathartic, I’m an artist, trying to put my heart in

Felt double crossed like Leo in Departed

13:05- 13:27

For the knowledge i’m not charging see I got it all free

But my hunger kept me starving like i’m feening for the feed

I just Need a reason to see me bleeding for my creed. Trick you with the words like I keep em up my sleeve. Picking where I fit, I see me sitting with the queen

I ain’t doing it unless you’re used to saying please

Let me flow a bit, before I sting 'em with the bees, They tryna kill us with disease

(Music)

13:34- 14:12

Why does it feel like they had the same notebook and the same four looks

Like the rain won't touch on their face, so sus when they lie don’t trust not a minor

Please no fuss, I just move through the game like must

Something in the way i adjust till i stick, Free falling like the ship, free fall till i bust

Remember 21 brother gave no fucks. Trying to project when they give them looks

In the projects, in the objects us

In my own way, never gave me love, shoulda never started this, broken hearted kid

Dried up the feeling till I stole the lid

Don’t wanna relish in the fame but I can’t resist

14:46-14:58

I like the way we feel, I like the way, I like the way

Ain’t no mistake, i am a being

I ain’t tryna be a leader, been selling out since Jesus

All my rhymes are for the readers, between the lines, like Father time, I fuck Mother Nature

14:58-15:40

That’s what they get, the connotations. Tell 'em I lived a life, and then I lived a life of adjacent? like its…. and played it patient.

Alone on my own spaceship, always tryna find greatness, still defying lines, but I’m fighting in my prime.

Shining light like Kylo while imma kill it all the time. Aging like I’m wine

Asian in my face, but still my race you can’t define. Focused on defiance, imma fight it while it’s life.

Started something sick and on my mind is what’s next, just became a dad so now I’m taking all the cheques. Better know I’m staying and paying like it’s debt. Imma get it done, if it’s taking all my breath, sweat, and down I ain’t messing around til I’m the best

Speaking in full sentences, shoulda thought about a strategy before you went at the stratosphere about this… rings around Saturn, this ain’t a battle, I’m sat, I’m here

15:40-16:22

Catch me doing magic, hired and sounding tragic I think you could use practice and until that you get the blacklist and pull like a … actress? Fooling them like a catfish, schooling like a legend, happy to be the reference, fusing like iridescence, leaving them all guessing, leaking out of my brain like a pipe I aint fixing, shining like a star you can see it from a distance

Aint many of me around p*** I’m just different Certain stages to this level aint here because fame is to the devil fuck a label, imma do this from the ghetto, clean up like Im Dettol

I’m the man to put a bet on, sight smart like a weapon,  this is my kind of setting, i write the world I’m sat in, while these others live on hype, i see them fight in how they type, the fruit is ripe for the taking, i think i might

16:22-16:57

Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here

16:58- 17:47

Eccentric things are mentioned like a kid stuck in detention tryna escape im just spitting what is written on the next page, spitting image of my dad in his young days

Born sinner when i’m livid i say fucks sake

Don’t worry i’m too cunning with no plumbing, the waterworks, i sung something that resonates, i thought it first like giving birth to the parrot perch

They see me do it and they know it works

Don’t know what’s worse: the way that you live your life or the way that you write a verse

You’ll be nervous, you don’t deserve it we’ll scratch the surface ill leave a crater, lift the dirt up to find the hurting

Can’t know for certain nothing is guaranteed, tryna be a better person than the world deserves to see cuz i see a lot of sharks still swimming in the sea

Cease and arrest what’s the reason.. And these the kinda kids we bringing up next

Distorted reality, all they needed was family, too hard to face, to see what the damage is

17:47

*i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, no, i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, *

18:04-18:38

Sometimes they ask the questions too deep to form a sentence, to disform, is this the norm, is this the sentence i feel defenseless i played the setlist, and all my sweat blood and tears, forgot to mention feeling lost, going off into different sections i feel like love wrecked it

If it’s not a drug why am i waiting for the next fix, affected, i cant believe that you left this

I guess I leave for the best wish, moving on like im fine for the lectures

We see it all from spectrums, cuz if we’re falling down we can fall down together

Staircase to heaven, mirror down the middle like 11, resentment on one side it won’t settle

18:38- 19:14

Mind fried but taking sense, they aint got a sense of themselves in the rich ends

Need to spell it out for them.. Made for them so witness

I know you feel afflicted but you always love it with me while im laughing at you, ya think you’re laughing with me

I try to (i love you) but im grown so they don’t fit me, my body thrown from the new to this old city so Im sick of sitting on my own, feeling so shitty, i’ve been on roads where its cold and the snow hitting

Its okay to be yourself, sit and talking to myself

I’ve been walking for the longest, just need a little rest, know i ain’t the strongest, I can feel it in my chest, talking about my feelings and of me, they get the best

19:14-19:59

They aint leaving, seeing breathing in my breath

Till death do us part is just seeded in my heart, like a work of art

Never winning,im just scared

Cant begin from the start, do i play a part in the rhythm of the night

I guess i’m onto something cuz the dark is feeling right

Every cloud got a lining, put my own miles  in, like moralis, figured that they’re jealous, that they could just never tell us to change because the weather never made me question whether or not i’m not that level

Got rid of all the bullshit sitting in my way, most of them are full of shit i see it every day

I do hearing the same things that i do, maybe that shits hitting like haiku

How much do you pay for them to hype you

Recycle your flaws but they aint like new, leaving and conceded and full of diesel like engines that need a cleaning, the ending will be revealing. Even though we ain’t raising the facts, now we been facing.

20:01-20:52

The cactus with spikes, needing spaces. Different faces, the same story. A full body like straight body direct to your system.

Could never tell 'em we missed’ em. Not even with the thoughts, we gift them. Cuz they just take advantage, guess we are caught in a system.

My soul pouring out details of borrowed time, had enough of a fill, this is for sorrow time. I’m seeing visions of Heaven, I seen the severed line, between the gospel they speak and when theyre telling lies.

Remember telling a friend of mine, you’d sent of mine, identified like a 3rd eye. Got a habit of knowing now where the dirt lies. So benign. I ain’t sober after 9, so I fuck their minds. Why you flipping out, see another

Try to rep it from the city, fuck a chiller crew, repping for the nittys, trying to keep us down, raised on the social, don’t want to let us out of the system. Me, I insist we assist them, me alone putting shifts til I lift them

20:53-21:12

I know it’s hard, that’s why I like it, I’m fit to fight it, I’m from the North, I’m backing Tyson, it’s been decided, don’t see no light. They needing guiding, just redefining, realizing, I’m realigning, in full finance, they stay silenced.

Can’t be louder, I’m juiced up with no powder. I fix shit like a slick spanner. Gone green like Bruce Banner. So free Gaza on my banner

21:12-21:51

The real McCoy, I ain’t nothing to toy with, signifying peace like a Japanese Koi Fish. How did this happen, we’re moving backwards in our timeline, killing us with cyanide, Right up for the freedom 'til we transform like Ironhide

This is bout my feelings, the way that I move affects the fate that I’m sealing. Can’t say nothing, with that something being on the page, kept inside the pen like the bars that have been kept caged. See I always had a plan, since I was young, we had nothing man

Now it’s been a few years since I ain’t seen the fam, on foreign lands. Bout to climb Everest in the avalanche. Right into the riddles as soon as you were born. Never asking the question cuz it’s the norm. See I’m in a questionin’ session

21:52-22:03

Like the manner got a method to teaching a lesson, listen to MF Doom, he taught me like Ra’s Al Ghul. Felt like living in Gotham, the people were rotten. Still we play cartoons so it’s never forgotten.

22:03-22:15

Chilling at the top but we came from the bottom. Writing and jottin for them life by, spotting the difference

*Dreams, was growing out of me, sun promising that tomorrow it will rise, time playing games with my mind, I swear it will pass us by

Train goes on the tracks, smoke, I’m tired to hide my thoughts, so blinded in flames, Don’t know where we’re going, I have no way of knowing, only see what’s in my head

Can’t we wait a minute, so we can savour this, It’s on my brain again, these days, It on my brain again these days”

23:10-23:46

They’re hating on Palestine ways, The oh no Palace playing Prince on the Steinway, Sending out mind waves, stop them like crimewaves, Freedom fighter, Yellow Metal is my name

Like vipers, I see the sly ones, the snake that’s called Biden, none of them abiding what they might put in writing

We should be used to it by now, say whatever for the vote and then just choose another route, say they’d never kill another unless that brother’s skin is brown

I’m just telling you the facts, if you can’t take it, the truth naked, to bare bones and my thoughts lately, spitting politics.. Done ain’t it, Shit just gets me vexed, and now I’m sitting that I think of it

23:45-23:59

Feeling on the brink of it, whatever it is, Figure out some shit at least it feels that way

talk about my feelings and I don’t feel so strange, finding solace, that’s a promise, in Metropolis but being honest, can’t write a sonnet, without some pain

24:00-24:40

Can’t fade away, away so we can savour this, been on my brain again these days

Can't find a way to be so you can savour this, been on my brain these days

Singing the song for another, singing a song for another

[littlegnoblin]

Happy Valentine’s Day to my best friend and other half @donestiel

read on ao3

Dean comes home from work to find Cas and Jack sitting at the table, red heart-shaped lollipops strewn in front of them. 

He gives Cas a quick kiss. “You trying to give the kid a sugar rush or what?” 

“Daddy! It’s for Valemtime’s Day!” Jack yells excitedly, hopping off his chair to hug Dean’s legs.  

“It’s pronounced valentine, Jack.”

“I don’t know, valemtime kinda has a nice ring to it,” Dean says. Jack beams up at him and he can’t help but ruffle his hair. 

“Yes, well, the holiday has become so bastardized that I suppose renaming it wouldn’t hurt.” Cas squints at the box the candy came in. “Does no one find it odd that their children are passing around cards demanding others belong to them?”

Dean sits down and pulls Jack into his lap, flipping through the little pink cards. “I don’t know that you’re supposed to think about it that hard, dude.” He comes across a card that reads ‘kiss me’ and holds it up. “This, on the other hand-- they’re five, what the hell do they need to be kissin’ for?”

“I want kisses!” Jack protests. 

“You’re a little kiss monster.” Cas leans in and presses a big, exaggerated smooch to Jack’s cheek. “How was that? Did it satisfy the beast?”

Jack giggles and nods enthusiastically. 

“Hey, I’m gonna need to sample one of those kisses myself. Make sure they’re regulation-- standard procedure.”

“Is that right?”

“‘Fraid so,” Dean says with a shit eating grin. 

He’s expecting a goofy kiss like the one he gave Jack but Cas uses his thumb to tilt Dean’s chin just so and kisses him deeply. 

They break apart when two tiny hands push at their faces and Jack tells them to knock it off. 

“This is what Valentine’s Day is all about, champ. Besides, I thought you liked kisses.”

“You guys do it gross.” 

Dean smiles and bounces his eyebrows at Cas, who rolls his eyes but can’t hide the small curl of his mouth. 

“Perhaps your father will help you write your classmates’ names on the cards while I get dinner ready.”

“I can cook,” Dean says quickly. The thought of Cas’ last attempt at cooking has his stomach churning and he’s pretty sure feeding that toxic waste to Jack would be considered child abuse. 

Cas holds up a cardboard box. “It’s frozen pizza.”

“Alright, I’ll do babysitting duty. Just make sure you take the plastic off this time.”

“It’s not babysitting when it’s your own child and that was one time.”

“One time too many,” Dean mutters.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“Nothing, dear.”

Cas glares at him. “I expect you to eat a healthy portion of salad along with your pizza tonight.”

“You making it yourself or is it bagged?”

The glare intensifies. 

Jack tugs on his sleeve. “Daddy, did you like doing valentine’s stuff in school?”

“Nah, it, uh-- it wasn’t really a thing when I was your age.” 

That’s a blatant lie but Dean’s not going to tell him the truth and bum him out. What five year old wants to hear that their dad didn’t do Valentine’s Day exchanges because there was barely enough money for food, let alone candy, and he never really stuck around any school long enough to get included in the holiday stuff. Shit’s depressing. 

“So you never got no cards or nothin’?”

“Nope.” Dean never got cards but he did get invited under the bleachers a few times in high school to unwrap a different kind of present. He’s not telling him that either, though. 

“That sucks. Can I have a lollipop?”

“Nice try, kid.” Dean taps on the card in front of them. “Get to writing.” 

He oversees the careful labelling of the cards, reminding Jack to double check the list of names anytime he spells something wrong and corrects a few backwards letters. They debate who gets what card and Jack complains that he has to give one to Tom who keeps cutting him in line. 

Cas rejoins them in the middle of Jack’s impassioned rant, hiding his smile behind his hand. 

“While I agree that Tom is a-- what was it you called him?”

“A butthead.”

“Yes, right, a butthead. While I agree he is a butthead, unfortunately I think you need to be the bigger person. Maybe this will even convince him to stop cutting in line and you two can be friends.”

“No way. I don’t wanna be friends with Tom.”

“You never know,” Dean says. “I didn’t like your dad when we first met, but I think he’s a pretty okay guy now.”

Jack looks at him wide eyed. “You didn’t like Daddy?”

“No way, he was a butthead.”

“It was more of a misunderstanding,” Cas explains. 

“Oh is that what we’re calling it?”

Cas lifts an eyebrow and stares him down. “What would you call it, Dean?” 

Shit, that should not be so hot. 

“Not the point; the point is that I didn’t think I would ever like your dad and now we’re married. Things change.”

Jack furrows his brows, considering. “I don’t want to marry Tom.”

Dean snorts. “You don’t have to. In fact, please don’t. His mom is a nightmare.” Cas kicks him under the table. “What! She is!”

“You don’t have to marry him and you don’t have to be friends with him,” Cas says, ignoring Dean completely, “but you do have to give him a card and some candy.” 

Jack grumbles but does as he’s told. Dean’s legs are starting to fall asleep but he’s become increasingly aware of how fast Jack is growing up and soon-- way too fucking soon, if you ask him-- he won’t be sitting in his lap at all so he silently resigns to not feeling his legs for the next ten minutes. 

“All done!” Jack yells and throws his hands in the air. 

“Sweet, now let's stick some candy in these bad boys and call it a night.”

“Wait, there’s a extra, what should I do with it?”

“Is there anyone who’s not in your class that you’d like to give a valentine to?”

Jack gasps and slaps a hand over Dean’s eyes, nearly poking one out in the process. “Close your eyes, Daddy!”

Dean dutifully closes his eyes until Jack tells him he’s finished. He slowly opens one eye and sees the pink card held about an inch from his face.

“For me?” he gasps dramatically.

“Yes!”

The front of the card reads ‘You’re the best!’ and when he opens it, he finds ‘Daddy’ written in some of the neatest handwriting from Jack he’s ever seen. Beneath it he’s signed his name, the K backwards like it always is on his first try. 

“I gave it to you because you never had one before and also you’re the best daddy ever, who makes me yummy chocolate chip pancakes and cheeseburgers and does funny voices for bedtime stories,” Jack explains. 

Dean wraps his arms around his son and rests his cheek on top of his head, his heart feeling fit to burst. “Thank you, Jack. I’m gonna keep this forever.” And he means it. 

“Welcome. Can I have a lollipop now?”

Cas points at Dean. “He gets that from you.”

 After the valentines are carefully put away and they’ve had dinner (plastic free and edible, which Cas seems proud of), Jack gets a bath and is tucked in bed. Dean and Cas spend the rest of the night sprawled out on the couch watching reruns of Doctor Sexy and drinking beer. Party city. 

When the Doctor Sexy reruns switch to Jeopardy, Dean knows it’s officially midnight. 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, I guess.” 

They tip their bottles together. 

“I hope I didn’t disappoint you by not planning anything,” Cas says, picking at the label on his beer. 

“What? No, of course not. We never do anything. I thought we were on the same page about avoiding that shit after our first Valentine’s together.”

They both shudder thinking about the sweaty cupid ‘handshake’. 

“We are, but we never actually discussed it and I…” Cas pauses and tilts his head. “I think having Jack around and seeing the world through his eyes, experiencing things in a new way, it makes me wonder if we’re not missing out on some of the little things.”

“Hey, we appreciate lots of the little things-- like you not cooking frozen pizza with the plastic still on.”

“Dean.”

“Okay, okay. So you sayin’ you wanna celebrate now?”

“Sam and Eileen do.”

“Sam and Eileen are saps. And they don’t have a five year old running around.” 

Cas makes a sound of agreement and softly strokes the back of Dean’s neck, sending shivers down his spine. “You make a fair point. In all honesty, I don’t want to do anything extravagant but I would like to take the opportunity to remind you how much I love you. Am I allowed to be sappy for a moment?”

Dean clears his throat. “Yeah, I guess you deserve one day to get it all out.” He puts their bottles down and faces his husband. “Lay it on me, big guy.”

Instead of looking annoyed, Cas just looks fond. “You know, it’s ironic that a man as full of love as you are is so quick to dismiss any sentimentality. You are a fascinating creature.” A thumb sweeps under his eye where he’s got permanent dark circles and settles at the corner where his lines get deeper every day. It makes Dean want to squirm but he holds still under the reverent touch. “Perhaps that’s why I never stood a chance.”

“C’mon, man,” Dean says, dropping his eyes to the couch. 

“Hush, I’m allowed, I’ll have you know. My husband gave me explicit permission.”

“Well, your husband is thinking about rescinding the offer.”

“I love you.” 

Cas says it with such conviction that Dean can’t help but look back at him, at his bright eyes and soft smile; at the evidence of his love written all over his face. 

“I love you, endlessly, Dean Winchester. For everything that you are; the good and the bad. From the moment I saw your soul in hell, so bright it was almost blinding, I knew I would never be the same. You breathed life into me, gave me meaning and purpose, taught me the value of love, and you did it all, selflessly, simply by being the man that you are.” Cas draws him close, presses their foreheads together. “I can never give back all that you’ve given me but I promise you will have my love until we are nothing but a forgotten memory, and longer still.”

Dean squeezes his eyes shut and they breath together in the small space between them. 

“You can’t-- you can’t just say shit like that,” he whispers. 

“And why not?”

“Because it’s not true, first of all.” Cas opens his mouth to argue but Dean covers it with his hand and hurries on. “You’ve already given all of that back and more. God, Cas, if it weren’t for you I’d have been dead years ago. I needed to stick around-- to take care of Sammy, to stop whatever or whoever was trying to end the world next-- but you… you made me want to live. Really live, not just survive, you know? I fuckin’ love you, man.”

Cas pushes Dean’s hand away and presses his lips against Dean’s fervently. 

When they finally break apart for desperately needed air, they both pretend they aren’t sniffling like little girls. 

“You happy now? Can we go back to not doing this?”

Cas laughs. “I hadn’t planned on making it quite so emotional, I apologize. You always bring out the most in me.”

“Ugh, enough,” Dean groans, shoving Cas’ smiling face away. “You aren’t allowed to say anything even approaching romantic for the next twenty four hours, capiche?”

“I can agree to that, as long as I’m allowed to give you a gift later.”

“I thought you said you didn’t plan anything?”

“It’s nothing big.” Cas’ fingers sneak under Dean’s shirt and trail along his stomach, dipping to his waistband. “I just happened to walk by Victoria’s Secret and see a pair of pink satin panties in the window.”

Dean’s heart beats a little faster. “Oh yeah?” he says breathlessly. “Not gonna lie, that seems more like a present for you.”

Cas hums and leans over Dean, forcing him to lie back on the couch. “Well then I suppose I’ll just have to do whatever you want while you wear them.”

When he kisses him he tastes like cherry candy and Dean thinks could learn to like this holiday. 

[oasis-for3v3r]

Cloud 9 <3

Prompt-reader is a famous singer and performs her first live performance with David Bowie, doing a duet of Under Pressure on Live Aid

David Bowie x Reader Platonic Pairing @laneofpennies​ @a-none-bee​ @angelofhell323​

Warnings: none unless you count descriptions of nervousness. And a lengthy fic

Okay, let’s do it.

Was the first thing you said to yourself. At eight am. On a Saturday. In the middle of July. You usually be sleeping until 2pm on weekends since you were usually so busy on the weekdays. Being Englands new up- and- coming musician is all. 

“Ow!” you said as your foot slipped on something and stubbed your toe on the edge of the dresser. You bit back a mirad of curses as you picked up the foul weapon.

Oh.

Sky Heavens- Head in the Clouds. Your first album. Of course. You were lucky enough to get one from the store. Nearly all of the record shops were sold out. You should be happy, I mean sales were doing great, and as for the royalties-

Oh my gosh how has it ben 25 minutes already?!. 

It was a very important day for you.. you were preforming for your first crowd ever. So of course you were excited. but more nervous because, it was your first time. And you had terrible stage fright. And you were doing a duet with David Bowie. Oh you almost forgot.

Your first performance was gonna be Live Aid.

As you tucked in your fancy bell-sleeved bloused you asked yourself a string of questions. For example:

How in the hell did you get into live aid?

What song were you gonna sing with David, er Mr.Bowie?

Were there gonna be high notes? Could you even hit them?

Am i dressing too casual?

Oh my gosh, were going after Queen.

Your final though was punctuated with a hailing of a cab. You felt dizzy after you entered the car so you focused on the horizon, which made your eyes get heavier and heavier until...

“Ma’am this is a cab not a daycare” the driver grunted.

Your head snapped up, wiping the drool off off your chin. You have got to stop making this a habit. You scolded to yourself.

Every time your legs hit the ground of Wembely Stadium, you could feel the muscles in your leg turn into jelly. Your heartbeat is playing the percussion. And your pretty sure that your haven’t taken a breath since coming out of the cab.

You finally taken a breather when you hear commotion coming from the nearest hallway. You saw so many stars you could’ve swore you were in space. You saw Elton John, Freddie Mercury, Roger Taylor, Brian May, (you couldn’t find John Deacon) Adam Ant was sitting on a couch reading a magazine. Next to him was Elvis Costello sticking straws down his hair, you were about to laugh when-

“Boo!”

“Jesus!”

 “No this is David.” joked a lanky man with blond hair, and a pastel blue suit, matching your all white outfit (with a pale blue headband) making you too look like the color of the sky.

“Mr.Bow- David, hi!” you exclaimed, trying to sound as cheery as possible. 

He hesitated for a moment looking in your eyes as if searching for something only for a moment. “Come into my trailer, i need to talk to you.” he says softly.

You followed him into what looked like a portal to the personification of serenity. There were books piled on top of a small table. A kettle burning on low. With not surprisingly, a pile of teacups littered on top of the counter.  You also noticed (on nosier inspection) small annotations scribbled in the corners.

“Y/N!!”

“YES” you exclaimed, jumping slightly. You have got to start paying more attention to your surroundings.

“Tell me whats on your mind, and be honest” his voice was filled with concern, but somehow still comforting.

You took a breath- seventh one today. And started:

“ I feel like everyone will be disappointed, when they see me. All I ever wanted to do was make music that someone will relate to and find comfort in. And now that I have that, which I am very grateful for, I have to handle the price of fame as well. People put celebrities on pedestals and if they make one mistake in the public eye the pedestal crumbles. And don’t even get me started on the media. And today one of the biggest days in history, and if I do bad, then i will not only disappoint myself but the families in Africa who are relying on me to succeed. And-”

“Y/N” David said sternly “Calm down, you will be fine.” He took a breather and said.” You remind me of myself when I was younger, a shy little Capricorn boy, I just wanted to make music, and the fame tagged along. Its what happens eventually. I just used theatrics to cover up the stage fright.” “Now I just focus on the crowd as if they were one person and give them ll the light I have.”

“As for you when singing Under Pressure with me- while singing Freddie’s part- I want you to take all of the audience’s energy, make it into light and give it towards the sky.” “Give everybody hope.”

Just then you heard.a knock at the trailer. it was time for you to get ready. 

You watched as Queen rocked the show. This was gonna be hard for you to follow up. You felt like this performance was gonna be talked about for decades. You felt pity for the future generations that wont get to see this. 

You watched with butterflies in your stomach, as you saw David perform TVC 15 which bleed into Rebel Rebel. You smiled with fondness, as the corners of your mouth twitched,(which happened often when you’re nervous). When you were turned around.

Moustace, Freddie Mercury.

“Hello, Darling. You’re going up next with Under Pressure, right?”

“Y-Yes ” you were shaking

“ Well don’t fuck it up darling. And make everyone proud.” He said with a smile (that was also in his eyes)

You nodded, and he turned you back around. Just in time for you to be handed a microphone and introduced by David.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage-for the first time ever- Sky Heavens!!!”

You heard more applause than you expected. But then again it was your very first time ;)

You heard the beginning of the song, and you knew you had no time to be nervous as you started:

Mmm num ba de Dum bum ba be Doo buh dum ba beh beh

Then together-

Pressure pushing down on me Pressing down on you, no man ask for Under pressure that burns a building down Splits a family in two Puts people on streets

Um ba ba be Um ba ba be De day da Ee day da- that's okay

So far you have just been looking at the horizon, seeing the sun begin its descent, little by little. 

It's the terror of knowing what this world is about Watching some good friends screaming, "Let me out!" Pray tomorrow gets me higher Pressure on people, people on streets

This is for peace and hope in Africa.

Chipping around, kick my brains around the floor These are the days it never rains but it pours Ee do ba be Ee da ba ba ba Um bo bo People on streets Ee da de da de People on streets

This is for anyone who has felt stress for being themselves

It's the terror of knowing what this world is about Watching some good friends screaming, 'Let me out' Pray tomorrow gets me higher, high Pressure on people, people on streets

The sun was setting now, making the crowd look like angels and your outfit dipped in the sun. David was looking at you with the biggest grin on his face as if seeing his child gain confidence. The high note was coming, and you were ready.

Take all the Audiences Energy

Turned away from it all like a blind man

Make it into light

Sat on a fence but it don't work

Give it towards the sky

Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn 

Give everybody hope

Why, why, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

That was the highest note you had ever hit. The energy that the crowd was giving you was electric. You felt unstoppable.

Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking

David was practically yelling into the mic, as he felt unstoppable with you too.

Can't we give ourselves one more chance? Why can't we give love that one more chance? Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?

Because love's such an old-fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the (People on streets) edge of the night And love (People on streets) dares you to change our way of Caring about ourselves This is our last dance This is our last dance This is ourselves under pressure Under pressure Under pressure Pressure

On the final word you hugged David, he shouted in your ear so you hear him over the roaring crowd. “YOU DID IT LOVE!!! IM SO PROUD OF YOU111″

You look over his shoulder to see Freddie Mercury.

Clapping.

For You.

You felt as if there was the sun poured inside of you. As if you were weightless. You found your new home; on Cloud 9.

[elwenyere]

Helps to Relieve My Mind

Hello fam! I wrote my first little Sambucky ficlet today in an effort to tide myself over until Friday’s new episode of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. If such a thing would help tide you over as well, please feel free to give it a read. I very much hope you enjoy! <3

Tags: Sam/Bucky, 1.8k words, Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together

CW: descriptions of falling and panic attacks

Read it on AO3

“Is it too late to go back to therapy?” Bucky called over the comms.

It had been less than forty-eight hours since he and Sam had decided to ditch Walker and go after the Flag-Smashers on their own, and they were already getting their asses handed to them again. They’d gotten side-tracked on their way to see Zemo by a tip from Torres: a group of hijackers matching the description of the missing super-soldiers had been spotted loading up a cargo plane with medical supplies in Kiev. Bucky and Sam had showed up just as the Flag-Smashers were readying for takeoff, and when Sam had flown straight through a rain of gunfire and into the open cargo bay door, Bucky had had no choice but to follow, cursing under his breath as he ran to catch the taxiing plane. 

He’d managed to haul himself inside just as the wheels left the ground, only to have his back slammed into the metal wall of the cargo hold a minute later, a serum-enhanced fist clutched tightly around his throat.

“You could always change your mind about following me,” Sam offered, a rhythmic series of thumps and clangs from the other end of the bay revealing that he was dealing with problems of his own. “I bet you could even get another ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card if you agreed to up with -”

“Don’t say it,” Bucky growled, grabbing the wrist of the soldier holding him against the wall and twisting it viciously.

“- John ‘Wingman’ Walker and his partner,  Battlestar,” Sam finished, the grin somehow audible in his voice.

“You’re just lucky all my other options suck even worse than this,” Bucky muttered, taking a deep breath and bum-rushing the man in front of him.

“Yeah, ‘lucky’ is definitely how I’ve felt every day since you ripped the steering wheel out of my damn car in the middle of the highway,” Sam retorted. Bucky could hear the sounds of bullets ricocheting off metal, and he glanced over to watch Sam reemerge from behind a stack of crates.

“Even the Winter Soldier has some fond memories,” Bucky reflected, ducking a roundhouse kick from the redhead who’d booted him out of the truck in Germany and then sweeping his arm back to catch her solidly across the jaw. 

He’d just turned to reassess their situation when he saw one of the soldiers poised by a lever on the side of the wall.

“Shit!” he yelled. “Sam!”

And then an explosion of air knocked him off his feet, and he felt himself yanked backward, scrabbling for purchase on the floor of the aircraft as he slid toward the open door. Unfortunately, it was his fleshy hand that finally found it. Just as he was about to run out of room, he wrapped his fingers around the lip of the lowered door and then let out an involuntary grunt of pain when his full weight caught against the hold, his legs whipping behind him in the open air.

“Shit,” he swore again, trying to strengthen his grip so that he could risk making a grab for the door with his metal hand.

“Bucky!” Sam yelled, and for some reason the change in his tone sent Bucky’s heart rate rabbiting even faster than the scramble across the floor. “Hang on! I’m on my way!”

A metal crate went flying over Bucky’s head, and he winced automatically, sending a jolt of pressure through the fingers clinging to the plane. And because he was always aware of Sam’s position in the fight, he knew there was no way he was going to make it in time.

“Sam, you should know -” 

His words were cut off when the plane banked abruptly to the left. Bucky’s legs jerked sideways, his hand spasmed, and then he was falling through the air.

It was different than the last time. He could still hear what sounded like screaming - either a voice calling his name or the air hurtling past him, rushing away from him and refusing to bear his weight. He could still feel the terror claw up his throat and curl into the back of his mind, covering his thoughts with a white, electric blanket. But this time he knew what it would feel like when he hit the ground. He could already feel the rocks cracking through bones and tearing at the sinews of his arms, and all he could do was grit his teeth and hope to wake up somewhere better than he had before.

He twisted in the air so he could see the end coming, every muscle in his body wrenching tight in anticipation. But then he felt a hand curl around the back of his head, and a weight slammed into him from the wrong direction, shifting his momentum abruptly to the side. Before he knew it, there was soft grass under his knees, pressing up against him and holding him still.

“I got you,” Sam said, his arms still wrapped tightly around Bucky’s back. “I got you.”

Bucky felt like he was sucking air through a straw, his head dizzy with a flood of adrenaline as he clung to the fabric of Sam’s uniform and curled up against his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut to stop the vertigo, but in the darkness all he could picture was an avalanche of snow and ice and unforgiving rock, and a second later he opened his eyes again with a gasp. His muscles were still screaming with the effort of bracing for collision, and he struggled to even out his breathing, willing himself to concentrate on the weight of Sam's arms around him, grounding him.

As the haze gradually began to clear, Bucky became aware that Sam was still repeating the same words, his cheek pressed against the top of Bucky’s head. But the tone of Sam’s voice seemed to have shifted, so that what had started as a reassurance now sounded like a kind of desperate chant.

“I got you,” he repeated, his own breathing coming sharp and fast. “I got you.”

Suddenly Bucky remembered the photo in Sam’s wallet when he paid for drinks in Germany, the story Steve had told him as they sat on a hill in Wakanda.

Fuck.

“Sam,” Bucky whispered. 

Sam’s arms tightened almost convulsively, and Bucky reached out to rest his hands gently on Sam’s lower back. 

“Hey, Sam. I’m okay,” Bucky continued, listening to Sam’s breathing slow down. “I’m here. I’m okay. You caught me.”

Sam straightened up slightly, one of his hands moving to cradle Bucky’s head as he'd done during the fall, and Bucky pressed his forehead against Sam’s.

“You caught me,” he repeated, and this time it sounded like a brand new idea. Sam had caught him. Bucky had lost his grip, and Sam had been there to cushion the fall.

“I’ve been trying to catch you, you idiot,” Sam replied, shaking his head with a faint echo of exasperation. “Do you have any idea how scary it is to think you might not let me?”

He gave the back of Bucky’s neck a gentle squeeze, one thumb sweeping up into Bucky’s hair, and for the first time in decades, Bucky’s body responded to an instinct that hadn’t been carved into his brain with a knife: he leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of Sam’s lips, sighing at the warmth of Sam’s skin against his.

A moment later he froze, pulling away with exaggerated slowness and wiping all traces of expression carefully from his face. Sam was staring back at him, wide-eyed, and for a second Bucky felt like he was in free fall again, his stomach heaving as he plummeted through space.

“That was - uh,” he tried to explain. “Sam -”

But before he got another word out, Sam had hauled him in by the back of his neck and was kissing him thoroughly, his mouth soft but hungry against Bucky’s, and something hot leapt through Bucky’s chest that seared deeper than any of the afterimages or second-hand shocks that had passed for getting his life back.

When they finally broke apart, it was because Sam had started laughing.

“Seriously, man?” Bucky protested, a small smile tugging at the corner of his own lips. “I know I’m out of practice, but if you make a crack about being cryogenically frozen, I swear to God.”

“I was going to say that if the kind of healing you’ve been looking for is less Sigmund Freud and more Marvin Gaye, you could have just called me back,” Sam retorted, giving Bucky a grin and a playful shove on the shoulder. “It would have been the world’s easiest alley oop. Lord knows I was giving you more assists than John Stockton gave the Mailman - and that is a crack about being in deep freeze, by the way. You could be understanding that reference right now if you hadn’t been ghosting me instead.”

Bucky scanned Sam’s face, drinking in the warmth and openness that he had always found infuriatingly, impossibly brave.

“You’re the only number in my phone other than my shrink,” Bucky explained finally.

Sam tilted his head, his eyebrows raised significantly.

“That’s kind of my point, Bucky.”

“No, I’m trying to tell you that’s why I couldn’t call,” Bucky continued. “I have a list of people I’ve hurt in the past that’s so long I can’t even see the end of it. But when I turn to the list of people who are here for me now?” He held up a single finger and then jabbed it toward Sam’s chest. “You’re it. Just one. So if I take a chance, and I fuck that up -” He shook his head ruefully. “Well, let’s just say it felt safer to imagine you might still be out there than to know for sure that you weren’t.”

Sam’s face softened, and he opened his mouth to reply, but Bucky waved him off.

“And that was total bullshit: I know,” he said quickly. “More importantly, it was selfish. What you said yesterday about me not understanding what you were going through - you were right. I never once asked how you were doing. I guess I was in such bad shape to help anyone that it was easier for me to believe you didn’t need any help.” 

Sam regarded him thoughtfully.

“Therapy, huh?” 

“God, it’s the worst.”

He gave Sam a smile, this one feeling a little less like a mask someone else had drawn. Sam smiled back, reaching up to trace the edge of Bucky’s lips lightly with his thumb.

“One of those things you might not understand about me is that I’m not very good at needing people either,” he said, dropping his hand to rest on Bucky’s metal shoulder. “But I think I’m going to need you on this, Bucky.”

“Yeah, well, that’s probably true,” Bucky agreed. “Seeing as you just let the Flag-Smashers get away again.”

“Maybe next time you could try to stay inside the vehicle,” Sam suggested. His tone was light, but the squeeze he gave Bucky’s shoulder telegraphed some of the fear still clinging to the lines of his face.

“You’ll catch me,” Bucky shrugged, trying for casual assurance and landing closer than he would have thought possible.

“Always,” Sam promised.

[sohotthateveryonedied]

Feels More Like a Memory

Read here on AO3!

Summary:

Ric gulps down the rest of the beer and gestures to the bartender for another. Then he holds out his hand. “I’m Ric, by the way. With a C.”

“Wally. With a W.”

“That’s a tragedy.”

“And Ric isn’t?”

It’s not easy being a ghost. Ric isn’t dead. He has flesh, breath, motion, all signs of life. But Him? The person he apparently used to be but who might as well be a stranger told in someone else’s story? That person is dead, and Ric can’t help but feel like a murderer for pushing him out. He isn’t Dick Grayson. Not anymore. Ric slides into a bar stool, flagging down the bartender. “I’ll have a beer.” This place isn’t his favorite haunt in Blüdhaven, but they do serve good brews despite the lack of customers and general grossness. And, frankly, he’s not in the mood for company tonight. He’s been fielding calls all day from those people, the ones who knew him Before. The ones who foolishly call every few days as if expecting the ghost to answer in Ric’s place. Bruce. Barbara. Damian. Even some names that Ric doesn’t recognize but couldn’t care less about if he did. A Donna Troy. Jason Todd, even though Dick saw in some old files that he’s supposed to be long dead. Some kid named Tim. Ric doesn’t even pick up anymore when the calls come. It’s too exhausting playing defense, trying to remind these poor idiots that the Dick they knew is dead. Ric can’t keep pretending to have any part of himself that cares about these strangers, that keeps him straddling the line between past and future, or it will tear him in half. He’s had enough of the visits from “old friends” and family members he wouldn’t recognize from a Christmas card.

It’s a weeknight, so the bar is empty but for a few alcoholics and some guys playing pool in the back. Ric might even join them later, hustle a few rounds. The door to the bar opens, a dulled bell sounding to announce the newcomer. Ric doesn’t bother looking up. It’s not like he’ll recognize the new face—or any face, for that matter. The bartender brings over his beer. Ric thanks her and takes a sip. The stool next to him creaks. “I’ll have a Coke with three maraschino cherries, please. Thanks.” It’s a deep voice with a bit of a midwestern twang. From Missouri, maybe? The “please” is a clear indicator that he’s not from around here, nor does he go to bars a lot. Not this kind, anyway. Ric has tried and failed to turn that part off, the part that picks apart every detail in the world into quantifiable data. His memories may be gone, but whatever that crazy bat guy trained into him has stayed in his head as muscle memory. Ric couldn’t escape it if he tried. He drinks his beer, side-eyeing the guy. “Never met anyone who goes to a bar for a soda.” The guy doesn’t...he doesn’t flinch, exactly. But there’s the slightest of shivers that runs through his frame as if hearing Ric’s voice does something to him, even though he’s the one who sat next to Ric in the first place despite the plenty of empty stools around them. Maybe he’s lonely. Maybe he’s just a weirdo. Whatever this guy is, he recovers quickly. “You can’t exactly get a Coke with three cherries from your neighborhood grocer.” “You can if you make it at home.” The guy’s mouth quirks. “Then I’m here for the wonderful atmosphere.” Now that Dick is facing him, he can see that the guy has bright red hair that curls in front of his forehead, wind-blown like he spends his life riding on top of a bullet train. His eyes are green and practically every inch of visible skin is sprinkled with freckles. “If you’re looking for atmosphere, you’re sure as hell not going to find it here,” Ric says. “This place is the pits.” “Then how come you’re here?” Ric shrugs. “For the moldy buffalo wings and terrible service, of course.” The guy laughs and, for whatever reason, Ric gets the impression that it’s the first real laugh he’s had in a long time. The bartender serves up his soda, cherries and all. “I’ve got to be honest, Blüdhaven is even worse than I remember it. Ever since that bat guy disappeared, it’s like all I hear about Blüd now is how much the crime has escalated.” “Nightwing,” Ric corrects before he can stop himself. “His name was Nightwing.” “Right, Nightwing. What do you think happened to him?” He got shot in the head. Not that Ric can tell that to a complete stranger. Then again, he’s been meeting far too many “complete strangers” lately who turn out to be anything but. They try to worm their way into Ric’s life as if they know him, as if they have some kind of a claim on him. “Have we met before?” he asks. He tries to do it casually to cushion the blow of completely changing the subject, but it’s hard to remember what casual even is anymore. “You seem...familiar.” The guy plasters on a smile. “Just have one of those faces, I guess.” “Says every person who’s ever pretended not to know someone.” That gets another laugh. Maybe he’s just a happy guy? Definitely not from around here, then. “I’m from Central City, actually. Just here for the weekend. I was trying to track down an old friend.” “And did you find him?” The guy’s eyes dim, but he keeps up some of the smile, like he’s mourning a memory. “Nope. He skipped town pretty recently and has been missing since.” “Sorry to hear that.” The guy drinks his soda. “How about you? What keeps you in a place like Blüdhaven?” “Believe it or not, this is the only place I’ve been in so far that’s felt like home.” He’s already buzzing from the beer combined with the whiskey this morning and the vape he bummed off a couple guys earlier. Might as well go all in. “I got shot in the head a while ago and since then, I’ve been a clean slate.” He points to the scar on his scalp, but he doesn’t have to. A goddamn aircraft could see that thing from orbit. “It’s hard to figure out ‘home’ again when every place you go is filled with too many people who know and care about you, you know?” “You and I have very different definitions of ‘home’ then. The way I see it, home is wherever the people who love you are.” “You’d be surprised. It’s more like leeches, really. Or a landlord begging for rent even after you’ve moved out. It’s fucking exhausting.” He gulps down the rest of the beer and gestures to the bartender for another. Then he holds out his hand. “I’m Ric, by the way. With a C.” “Wally. With a W.” “That’s a tragedy.” “And Ric isn’t?” That makes Ric laugh. The weird part is that, at the heart of whatever this is, there’s something natural about laughing with this random person. Wally. It feels familiar, like this is someone important, as insane as that sounds. He blames it on the alcohol, but he could almost convince himself that this Wally guy is something vital he’s been missing. But Ric has seen the files Batman showed him while he was futilely trying to jog Ric’s memory. There was nothing about anyone named Wally in there, so he’s in the clear. “So,” Wally says, “amnesia, huh? And I thought I had problems.” “You have no idea. Weirdly enough, the amnesia part isn’t even the worst of it. I can deal with having no memories. The real problem is everyone else’s memories trying to force their way into mine. Everybody remembers me as somebody else, but they can’t understand that the man they knew is long gone. It’s pathetic.” “Can you blame them? If someone I loved forgot who he was, I’d want to bring him back too.” “Then you’ve never had to deal with lost memories before. Everyone talks about how amnesia can be a blessing in disguise, giving you a reset on life. But it’s more like being dropped in the middle of a sports game where you don’t know the rules or who your teammates are, and everyone’s waiting for you to just get with the program and kick the ball somewhere.” Wally bites a cherry off its stem. “What I wouldn’t give for that.” At Ric’s questioning look, he says, “I have two kids. Twins, Jai and Irey. They’re...they were incredible. They were the lights of my life. Then there was...something happened. I lost them both, and now all I have left of them are memories. But I swear to god, sometimes it feels like having the memories hurts a million times worse than losing them in the first place.” Well, shit. By the looks of him, Wally can’t be more than twenty-four, twenty-six years old. Losing two kids so young must be hell on earth. That Damian kid said stuff about how Dick was like a second father figure to him and how when Damian was dead, the greatest relief after coming back was that Dick wouldn’t have to mourn him anymore. But Ric doesn’t remember any of that. If he ever did lose Damian like he said, it means nothing to Ric now. Dick may have lost a child, but Ric didn’t. Wally swallows thickly, drinks his soda until his throat clears. “So trust me, I get wanting to forget. But if you want my advice, I say hold on to your family for as long as you can, even if you don’t want to. You never know how much time you’ll have with them.” Ric honestly doesn’t know what to say to that. “I’m...I’m sorry, man.” Wally clears his throat, forces a smile, but each one is dimmer than the last. “It’s fine. But you see why I don’t drink.” He doesn’t elaborate, but Ric gets the message: Because if I did start drinking, I would never stop. “I can’t even imagine losing someone like that,” Ric says, sipping his fresh glass of beer. “I know my parents are dead, but my memories are so messed up that I don’t remember much of it. And even though I can’t remember anything after that day, it still feels like it happened twenty years ago. I’ve never had to grieve anyone but myself.” “It helps to have people around you, for one thing. That friend I mentioned, the one who skipped town? We used to have a system that whenever one of us was having a bad day, we’d go down to that gay bar a few blocks from here and stay there until we forgot what we were upset about.” After a second, he asks, “You ever been there?” Ric resists the urge to grimace. “I’m straight, actually. That kind of stuff...it’s not really my thing.” Wally blinks at him. “You’re kidding.” “Excuse me?” “Nothing. That’s just...surprising.” “Okay?” This wouldn’t be the first time someone’s accused Ric of being queer. Just because he likes mesh shirts and the occasional crop top doesn’t mean he’s gay, okay? He’s as straight as an arrow. “No, that’s not—I mean...I don’t know what I mean.” Wally shakes his head. “It’s easy to forget that not everyone lives the same life you do, I guess.” Ric clinks his glass with Wally’s. “Cheers to that.” Ric can’t explain what about this conversation makes him feel more comfortable than he has in weeks. Maybe it’s the beer. Maybe it’s the human interaction with someone who isn’t another bar-hopping asshole or part of his old “family” trying to bring him back to a home that isn’t his. Ric has spent so long driving strangers to their destinations in his taxi, sleeping under a new roof every night, gambling his money away and drinking himself into oblivion as long as he can afford it. But here, with Wally, he feels settled. His head clears, and it’s such a foreign sensation that he stops for a moment just to let himself soak in it. “How long are you staying in Blüd, Walls?” He doesn’t mean to say the nickname, it just slips out of him like a bar of soap between slick hands. Wally doesn’t seem to mind. He even smiles, and Ric can’t help but wonder if the friend he was talking about used to call him that. “This is my last night, actually. I’m going to this mental health facility in Nebraska for a while to recharge. I just wanted to see my friend one last time before I left.” “I’m sorry you couldn’t find him.” “Yeah. Me too.” Wally downs the rest of his drink and stands, tossing a few bills on the counter. “I should probably head out. It was nice talking to you, Ric.” Ric shakes his hand again. “You too. Track me down if you ever find yourself in Blüd again. It’ll be nice seeing a familiar face for once.” “You got it.” Wally turns to go but stops at the door, one hand mid-twist on the knob. He looks back at Ric. “Don’t forget me again, okay?” He’s gone before Ric can answer, the door closing behind him. Ric was lying before, when he talked about the worst part of being an amnesiac. The worst part isn’t the missing twenty years, or the annoying family members, or the fact that he can name all fifty states but can’t remember whether he likes mustard or not. It isn’t any of those things. The worst part is knowing about the past that waits for him to sink back into it even though he can’t, no matter how hard he tries. It’s struggling with the fact that he has a whole family he doesn’t recognize but who loves him more than he’s ever seen a person be loved before. It’s seeing that love, witnessing the lengths they go to just to have their Dick back, but not being able to feel any of it because that isn’t his life. It’s not Ric’s love to have, and it never will be. Dick Grayson may be dead, but the love he earned is eternal. And that, right there? That’s what hurts the most.

[crashdevlin]

The Color in Your Leaves

Author’s Note: I haven't written Cas in a while. And I haven't written Endverse!Cas for a one-shot so...this goes for my Endverse!Cas square for @spnkinkbingo​

Summary: Y/n gets tasked with caring for Castiel when he breaks his foot. Y/n has strong opinions about the hedonistic lifestyle the former Angel lives, strong opinions about how everyone in the Apocalypse has allowed themselves to fall. Can she help him remember who he used to be?

Pairing: Endverse!Cas x Reader

Word count: 4431

Story Warnings: Dean is an asshole, derogatory terms for lesbian, a bit of exhibitionism on Cas' part, 18+! HERE BE SEX!! DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!, unprotected sex, fingering, angsty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You had no qualifications for this. You weren't a nurse or a doctor. You weren't a caregiver of any kind. You were a weapons expert. You were volun-told by the boss man. General Winchester needed his right hand man back on his feet as soon as possible, which meant sending in someone to take care of him, keep him off of his feet until he healed.

There were two dozen women who went to the General and begged for the opportunity, the privilege, of caring for Castiel, but Dean Winchester was smart enough to see their desire to help as just plain desire. "Needs to focus on his health, not getting his dick wet. That's why you're gonna do it, Y/n."

"Because I didn't volunteer?" you questioned.

"Because you're a lesbian. You won't care about anything except caring for him and keeping him off that bum foot 'til it heals."

You were not, in fact, a lesbian. You were very attracted to men. You were just the only woman in camp who turned down Dean's advances so you got labeled. It wasn’t that Dean was unattractive, either, he was just an asshole. Most survivors were. Even the former Angel you were charged with helping used his aura of celestial wisdom to lure women into bed with him. It was disheartening. If this was what was left of humanity, then what was the point?

You knocked on the doorframe holding up the beads that were his front door. He went full hippie when he went full human. Drugs, women, indulgence, and 'why not?' you overheard him tell Chuck once. "Why not load up on this stuff? The closest I'll ever get to Heaven again is when I reach nirvana with the help of amphetamines and a good orgasm."

An Angel.

You rolled your eyes as he called out, "Come in!" You stepped through the beads and sighed. "Bedroom!" he shouted, answering your query of his location before you could ask it.

You twisted the doorknob and pushed the door to the bedroom open, gasping as your eyes fell on him and Nadia, both very naked and midcoitus. "Oh my god!" You twirled on the balls of your feet and slammed the door. As soon as the shock wore off, you were pissed. He had no fucking decency! She had no decency! The world might have ended but that wasn't okay! You don't call someone into your bedroom when you're in the middle of- "Our fearless leader sent me here to play nursemaid and specifically said he doesn't want you getting laid until you're healed, Castiel, so Nadia needs to get her damn clothes on and get the fuck out of here. Now!" you shouted through the door.

You could hear the grumbling from her as she grabbed her clothes. Castiel's voice was murmuring promises to her, but you couldn’t hear the words. Nadia glared at you as she stomped out of the room. "Bitch, don't even," you snapped before turning halfway toward the door. "Castiel, I'm coming in. Please respect that I have no desire to see your nakedness. Cover up, please."

“I’m covered,” he called, an air of amusement to his words. You rolled your eyes as you walked in and started gathering dirty clothes from his floor, avoiding looking at him on the bed just in case. “You know, modesty is such an archaic ideal to hold onto, don’t you think?”

“Well, modesty might seem archaic to you, but choice is not and I choose not to be indecent just because the world has ended. I choose not to sleep around the entire camp just because it’s easier to fuck everything away than it is to dwell on it. I think that’s being stronger than getting stoned out of my mind to ignore it like you do,” you snapped.

Blue eyes narrowed as he leaned forward, glaring slightly. You couldn’t help but notice the way that his chest hair showed through his open flannel. “You think you’re stronger than me because you choose to let everyone believe you’re a lesbian?”

A shock of indignation went through you as you rolled his clothes into a ball and tucked them under your arm. “I don’t see the point in correcting them. It’s not like I’m courting a relationship with any of these assholes around camp. You and Dean and Spencer and Tallman and all of the rest of the jerks around this place who think the surviving women are left to bring you pleasure and nothing more, what the hell would I want to deal with that for?” you growled. “Only downside is I get put on bullshit duties like this, taking care of a literal celestial being who couldn’t manage to land right after a second-story jump and broke his damn foot.”

You licked your lips and looked away from him. “I think I’m stronger than you because I didn’t lose myself as soon as the Earth went to Hell,” you answered his earlier question before looking away. “I hope you like oatmeal. I’m gonna go set these to soak and I’ll bring you your breakfast.” You stomped out of his bedroom, through the beads, and out to the laundry bucket outside. “Asshole.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You spent as little time as possible at Castiel’s cabin. You found other things to do, away from his prying blue eyes and the stench of cannabis and only went in to feed him, clean his cabin and bring in the basin of hot water for him to clean himself. After the fifth veiled request for you to help him bathe, you started dropping the bowl at the end of the bed and walking out without a word.

“How can you try to cling to what you used to be?” he asked suddenly as you handed him a bowl of beans and hot dogs. It was the first time he approached the subject without the judgment in his tone. “I’m curious.”

You sighed and rubbed at the back of your neck. “Lucifer, he...his whole thing is that we’re broken, right? Humans, we’re broken. We’re flawed and murderous and corrupted, that we were a waste of the Father’s time and effort. That He should have stopped after He created Earth or whatever. So, Lucifer took the Earth, set Hell upon us, and we all crumbled. We let fear and anger and hopelessness turn us into exactly what Lucifer said we were. We let him be right and that’s something I just can’t...I can’t let Lucifer be right about me.”

Castiel blinked a few times before looking away, a look akin to shame on his face. “You’re insightful.”

“Don’t think I don’t understand why it happened, though. I know why it’s enticing to be...selfish and chase pleasures of the flesh. I get the allure of...the baser things when you know that...but there was a time when…” You looked away and shook your head. “I’m just not okay with letting go of that.”

“That is…” Castiel sighed. “I feel I might be quite different if I’d had your perspective when I lost my connection to Heaven.”

“Far as I can tell, Castiel, I’m the only one alive with this perspective. Don’t feel bad about it,” you said, before nodding at his bowl. “Eat up. I’ll be back for the bowl in a while.”

You ducked out of his room before he could continue the conversation. Something about having an honest conversation with the Angel was disarming. The wall you put up to keep yourself from getting too close to the degenerates in camp felt like it was cracking and you couldn’t deal with that.

"What happened to your family?" Castiel asked when you came to retrieve the bowl.

"Same thing that happened to lots of families," you dismissed, your abs clenching, reacting to the question like a literal punch to the gut.

“Croats?” he asked, softly.

“No,” you said, looking down at the floor. “A group of large, angry, normal human beings who wanted the food we were more than willing to share.” You cleared your throat. “I’ll, uh, see you in-”

“How did you get away from the ‘large, angry, normal human beings’?” he asked, not relinquishing the bowl when you moved to take it.

You ran your tongue over your teeth and forced yourself to swallow down the feeling of rage that took you. “I was saved,” you answered.

“By?”

“By a man who...expected me to show my appreciation...said he only saved me because he couldn’t see wasting a body like mine.”

Castiel nodded knowingly as you started toward the door. “Lucifer was right about some humans, but…” You stopped at the door. “...you are an exception.”

“I wasn’t an exception when I put my last bullet through his skull,” you said, before walking out. You could get the bowl in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You could almost feel the change in the atmosphere when you showed up the next morning with breakfast. The old smell of weed lingered, but you couldn’t smell anything new. He didn’t smoke his morning joint, which was weird. Smoking was always the first thing he did when he woke up.

He was sitting up in his bed. His hair was combed, his shirt actually buttoned. He looked almost like he was trying to clean up a bit. He smiled as you entered the room, handing his bowl of oatmeal to him and picking up the bowl from the night before where he put it on the floor.

“Good morning, Y/n.”

“Good morning, Castiel.”

You nodded to him as he picked up the oatmeal. He chuckled. “You know, you can call me ‘Cas’. Everyone else does.”

“They do that because Dean has set an example. I follow my own lead. But if you want me to call you ‘Cas’, I’ll do that,” you offered, grabbing his shirt and pants from the day before off of the floor and hanging them over your arm.

“I’d like you to call me whatever you wish, Y/n. Profanities aside, of course,” he said, smiling a bit. You couldn’t help but smile back.

“I personally like ‘Castiel’. Nothing wrong with reminding you where you came from.” You shook your head and chuckled. “When I moved out of my parents’ place, my dad said ‘You can move on and grow big, but the ground you grew in will always put some of that color in your leaves.’ Sometimes, you gotta look at your leaves and remember the ground you grew in.”

He looked perplexed for a minute before nodding. “Heaven is the ground I grew in...and my name is the color of my leaves.” You nodded, smiling brightly. “Feathers might be more apt.”

You laughed. “Maybe, but then it wouldn’t be the thing my dad said. Enjoy your breakfast, Castiel. I’ll have your clothes folded when I get back.”

“I could help with that, if you bring them back first. I’m not doing much besides sitting here.”

You thought about it a minute before you nodded. “Sure,” you responded before walking out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You almost hated the fact that Castiel was so charming once you got past the drugs and indulgences. What other man could make you laugh while you were folding a pile of clothes? Or make your cheeks get hot from a lingering look? What man could make your skin tingle with a brush of his hand?

“He almost healed?” Dean asked at the end of the first month as you exited the beads. No pleasantries, no greeting.

“He can stand on it, but he’s still got a limp when he walks. He needs another couple weeks,” you responded. You were guessing about the length of time, but it seemed like the right number.

“He good, though? Hasn’t been sneakin’ chicks, I know that much.”

“Because you’ve been paying so much attention to your best friend?” you snapped.

He pursed his lips a bit and his eyebrows came together a bit. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“We’ve talked a lot the last month that you’ve had me caring for him. I’ve seen pieces of the man, sorry Angel, he used to be. You let a perfect celestial being become a...a junkie.”

His eyebrows jumped up indignantly. “I let him? You think I let Cas become-”

“I think if you had cared a little bit more about him, he wouldn’t be like that. He wouldn’t chase skirts like you do and-and chase highs. I found what I’m pretty sure is heroin under his bed and you let-”

“Cas is a big boy. He can take care of himself, Y/n.”

You nodded and smiled tightly. “Then he can take care of himself.”

“That’s not what I-” Dean growled.

“I know it’s not,” you interrupted. You shook your head, sadness filling your eyes as you looked upon the great and powerful Michael Sword. “But he obviously can’t, Dean. He obviously needed help adjusting and you were all he had and you did let him fall to pleasures of the flesh and chemical indulgences. That’s on you.”

Dean looked at you with rage simmering in his eyes for a minute before he chuckled and bit into his bottom lip harsh enough that you thought he might start bleeding. “Here I was, thinkin’ you’re a carpetmuncher but you just don’t like me.” You looked away, your jaw ticking as he stepped closer, radiating the same sort of energy the first man you killed gave off. “Someone’s got a crush on our resident seraph, huh?”

“So what?”

“So now I know why Cas hasn’t had Tallman bringin’ him any of his weed crop the last couple weeks. Cas is tryin’ to do better for you...and I’m pretty sure the whole reason I gave you this duty was to avoid those kinda entanglements.” He took a step back and turned toward his own cabin. “You’re done. I’ll get someone else on Cas duty. Stay out of his cabin. Go find another place to make yourself useful.”

You didn’t even have a chance to argue it before he disappeared into his cabin.

You were livid. Not only because of the way Dean Winchester spoke to you but because you were taken off of the duty you lamented and because Dean knew you weren’t a lesbian as he assumed.

And Castiel was interested...enough that he wasn’t smoking as much as he used to. You refused to believe that you were the reason for that, but Dean seemed so certain.

It didn’t matter.

Nothing really mattered.

You went back to your cabin. It was good. It was a good thing that someone else would have to deal with Castiel. You would be able to put your walls back up. You’d be able to stifle that pesky emotion you were starting to feel for the junkie Angel. It was good.

So why did it hurt you so much?

You went back to work making bullets, cleaning and caring for the camp’s weapons. That was more your speed. Just you and the beautiful, intricate, deadly pieces of machinery.

You felt eyes on you more often as you walked through camp. You felt like people were judging you more now that the camp knew you weren’t a lesbian than they had when they thought you were a lesbian. Probably because they knew that you were judging them for their descent.

You were in your cabin working on a beautiful Colt .45 when a knock came to your door. No one ever came to see you. It just wasn’t done. You set the pistol on the table and stood, walking over to the door and opening it just a few inches. Castiel was on your little porch. His hair was clean and he was wearing clean clothes. He smiled a little when you opened the door a little more. “Castiel. D-do you need something?”

“Need? No. But I would like to come inside,” he said with a smile. You bit your bottom lip and stepped out of the way. He nodded and took two steps past the threshold, allowing you to shut the door behind him. The smell of weed followed him into your small space. “I wasn’t able to thank you for helping me.”

“It was a bit abrupt, how Dean sent…” You cleared your throat. “Tallman in to take over, but that was fine. I...I’m better off…” You licked your lips and walked over to the table. “I’m good with guns.”

“You were doing pretty good with me too, though, weren’t you?”

You swallowed and sat down in your creaky wooden chair, picking up your cleaning cloth. “Too good for our fearless leader’s liking.”

“Dean, he’s...he’s complicated.”

“Not really. He wants you drugged up and drowning in pussy because it’s easier for him to toss away his guilt if you’re enjoying the human condition.” You shrugged. “Or at least appearing to enjoy the human condition.”

“I’ve accused you of being insightful in the past, haven’t I?” he asked and you nodded, avoiding catching his eyes. You didn’t want your wall to crumble again. Not after spending two weeks building it back up again. “Well, I feel that you were very helpful and I-”

“You don’t need to thank me or any of that, Castiel. I was just doing what I was charged with doing. Just, um, stay safe next time you go out. Try not to jump out any windows.”

He scoffed and shook his head. “You seem to have completely tossed away every bit of goodwill you had toward me. Why?”

“Because I can’t like you. It’s that simple.” You set the cloth down on the table and started picking at a loose thread on the edge of it. “Not only is it a vulnerable position to put myself in, but the inkling of possibility that I might like you caused Dean to forbid me from entering your cabin. I can’t imagine what he’d do if he found out I disobeyed him and-”

“We’re not in my cabin, Y/n. You can be nice to me here.” You swallowed as he moved forward and cupped your face between both of his hands. "You're allowed to like me. I know you have strong opinions about the 'junkie Angel' but you don't have to feel bad about liking me."

"Yes, I do." The warmth of his hands on your skin made your eyes flutter closed. "Because you are a man who gives your body without even-"

"You're the only woman to receive my touch since Nadia, Y/n...and I would love for you to touch me." He chuckled and you opened your eyes to look up into his. "It just isn't as satisfying to touch myself to thoughts of you."

Any other man saying those words would have pissed you off. It would have disgusted you. But from Castiel’s deep gravel, it made you feel weak...and letting go seemed like the best option. You stood, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him down into a kiss. He smiled against your lips and started pulling at your t-shirt. He tasted like weed but you didn’t mind, for some reason.

It didn’t take long for you to be tangled up on your bed, tongues rolling across each other as your hands roamed your bodies. When the fingers of his left hand found your slit, you gasped into his mouth and put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s...I haven’t...it’s been…”

“I know. I’ll go slow, Y/n.” He kissed and nibbled at your shoulder as he started rubbing at your clit. "Your body is a gift. I'm humbled to receive it," he mumbled into your skin.

"Fuck," you whispered as his middle finger dipped into you. Too many years of celibacy made you oversensitive and touch starved. The whimper of his name was lost in his lips as you kissed him, pushing your hands into his hair and rolling your hips against his hand as he used that finger to explore your inner cavern.

"So wet. So tight. So beautiful," he praised as you dropped your head back into your pillow and stared up into his sapphire eyes. You were breathless as he slowly ramped you up with just a single finger working inside of you.

"Oh my god!" you squealed as he found that spongy patch inside of you that you barely knew the location of. "Right there, Castiel! Right there! Fuck!"

"It's going to be an honor to make you fall apart, Y/n. No other man here has had the privilege and you're granting me the-"

"You're not a man," you said, words rushing out of you clenched around his finger, arching your back.

He let out a soft gasp and kissed you, slow and sweet as he brought you to the first orgasm given to you by someone else in almost five years.

"You're the only one who still treats me like an Angel," he whispered as he worked you through the orgasm.

"You have a cult of foll-" you started, but he shook his head.

"They idolize me but they don't see me," he whispered against your lips before leaning back and looking into your eyes. "To them, I'm nothing more than the...Apocalypse's last b-list celebrity. To you, I'm still divine. To you...I'm still the color in my leaves."

"You are, Castiel."

You leaned up and pressed your lips to his as he covered your body with his own. The warmth of a body weighing you down, the feel of lips against yours, the way his fingertips dug into your ass as he maneuvered your hips into the position he needed you...it was everything you dreamed it would be when you were trying to keep him out of your mind and he invaded your sleep.

His breath against your ear as he grunted and moaned, his beard rubbing your skin, pushing you closer to the nirvana you heard him talking about so many months ago, it sent shivers down your spine. It was perfect. He was perfect. He was divine.

"I'm almost...almost there," he grunted, sealing his lips over the bolt of your jaw and sucking lightly.

"Please. Angel, please. I wanna feel it." Those words and the whiny, mewling, small quality of them, they barely sounded like you at all.

"Fuck," he groaned, his hands tightening their grip on your hips and his cock twitching as he started to cum. He took gasping breaths to calm himself as he pulled back to look at you. "You were every bit as wonderful as I expected, Y/n."

Your cheeks were already warm from the sex but they turned burning hot from the way he was looking at you. "You...were amazing, Castiel."

He ran his fingers almost lovingly across your cheek. "I mean it. I've had women with much more experience who were not even close to as good as you."

"Thank you," you whispered, looking away from him. You didn’t want to be reminded of his many, many sexual partners.

He let out a gasp as he pulled out of you and dropped to your bed beside you. "You are spectacular," he said, pulling you to lie against his chest. You sighed contentedly and closed your eyes, taking comfort in his warmth.

Which was gone when you woke up.

"Hope you don't mind," Dean's voice cut through the haze of sleep to force you to wake with a jolt, immediately concerned with whether you were covered. "You're the only one with beer right now and I needed a few for the party."

"Party?" you asked, turning your head to look at him but keeping your body front-down on the bed. He was sitting in the chair in the corner of your room, a six pack of Coors in his lap.

"Cas' girls wanted me to throw him a little 'Welcome back' thing. I figure, it's the least I can do after cockblockin' 'em the last six weeks, ya know?"

Cas' girls. Cas' cultists. Cas' harem. Cas' far more experienced women.

"Right. Least you could do." You swallowed and bit the inside of your cheek. "I don't mind sharing, but am I at least invited?"

Dean sucked in a hissing breath and grimaced mockingly. "Ah, sorry, sweetheart. I would invite you, but you've gotta hit a supply run with Spencer into Detroit."

"Detroit? That's a fucking red zone! And I'm not a scavenger!" you exclaimed, sitting up and wrapping your blanket around you.

"You are whatever I say you are, Y/n, and I say you're going to Detroit so you're going."

"Is this punishment for not fucking you, Dean?" you snapped.

"No, this is a job," he answered, standing up, cradling the beer in the crook of his elbow. "And if I were punishing you, it wouldn't be because you didn't wanna fuck me, Anne Heche, it'd be because you're changing Cas. If I needed an Angel, I'd'a said yes to Michael. I need my right hand man and you're fucking with that so if I were punishing you, which I'm not, it'd be because you couldn't mind your own business for six weeks and someone's gotta teach you a lesson in Nunya."

He glared down at you. "If you make it back, you'll be on night guard duty at the gate and you'll get to hear Cas' moonlight orgies. But you won't get to come near him and you won't get to influence him anymore, you hear me?" He smiled and lifted the arm with the beer. "Now, if you'll excuse me. You gotta get ready to roll out to Detroit...and Cas and I gotta fuck a half a dozen crazy hippie bitches. I expect you gone in thirty."

You let out an indignant scoff as he walked out of your cabin. You hoped Cas would stop him, say something to save you, but as you stomped toward the gate twenty minutes later to join Spencer at his Jeep, you could hear music and laughter from Cas' cabin. Cas and Dean's laughter and giggling from his women. Too much to hope that you'd truly affected the Angel. Too much to hope that you were more than just a notch on his belt. Too much to hope there was enough green in his leaves to combat all the post-apocalyptic brown.

You didn't say a word as Spencer turned on the Jeep and drove out the gates, driving you to your death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Kitchen Sink - @emoryhemsworth​ @flamencodiva​ @wasabiwitteks​ @rainbowkisses31​ @rissbennett @mariekoukie6661​ @officiallyunofficialperson​ @dolphincliffs​ @mrs-meghan-winchester​ @gayspacenerd​ @foxyjwls007​ @ilovefanfic86​ @marvelfansworld​ @f-yeahfandoms​ @wonderlandfandomkingdom​ @hhiggs​ @sev3nruby​  @hobby27​ @paintballkid711​ @divadinag​ @thewhiterabbit42​ @fantasymyth-1 @queenoftheunderdark​ @cosicas-cuquis @superfanficnatural​ @letsby​ @supernatural-bellawinchester​ @onethirstyunicorn​ @swinchester27​ @chalicia​ @sunnyroadtrips​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @dayasvalkyrie​ @paryl​ @wereallbrokenangels​ @the-american-witch​ @that-one-gay-girl​ @tatted-trina6​ @sunshineandwings86 Hunter Tags - @atc74​ @sandlee44​ @spnbaby-67​ @kalesrebellion​ @tumbler-tidbits​ @hoboal87​ @stoneyggirl​ @kbl1313​ @cookiechipdough​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​ @winchesterxfamilybusiness​ @holylulusworld​ @pretty-fortune​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @we-are-all-a-bunch-of-idjits​ @imperiusimpala​ @supernaturalenchanted​ @blueaura​ @quxxnxfhxll​ @bucky-babygirl​

[rip-a-dip-dip-you-potato-chip]

what have I created?

idk if yall like this, but they just exist not i guess :/

ok the the first one is Royalty AU

first things first, when I say Royalty AU, I don't mean the classic shit we've all become accustomed to. Im talking about the good old Chinese royalty! And I want to emphasize that these guys will/should be dressed in century appropriate attire. As someone thats read a handful of 'marinette, princess of china' fics from the ML Fandom, I've noticed a common trend. Marinette wouldn't be in the culturally appropriate clothes, always ballgowns. Not that there's something wrong with it, its just most of if not all these fic are set in China, so I'd expect Chinese royalty to dress as THERE dress code calls for. And since this AU takes place far in the past like, it won't make sense for any of the characters to be in royal clothing that wasn't from there region. I'm not trying to white knight/gatekeeping. Im Guyanese not Chinese. But since JTTW and Monkie Kid take place in China, it's only right. In my opinion that it. You don't have to outright agree with me.

With out of the way, it's time for that good old AU crack

- Wukong is the king of the Flower Fruit kingdom(or a different one if you'd like, again I'm only familiar with what western culture has taught me, but I'll try my hardest) 

- he’s single but rumor has it he used to/still is dating the Vigilante/thief The Six Eared Macaque

- *chants ShadowPeach violently* 

- no one know whether it true or not

- On of his wanders around the kingdom he finds an abandoned baby in a basket. 

- and no shit sherlock it's fucking baby Xiaotian 

- I think we all know where this is going because i'm a simp for Monkey Dad & Monkie Son shenanigans

- Xiaotian becomes prince

Shit, ill be referring to Xiaotian as Mk from now on, I mentioned this before in a fic I wrote for lmk that Mk's a nickname for Xiaotian for some reason- wait i don't have to explain my self to you people!

- Sun loves his son

- MK is treated differently by staff and others because he's not blood related to the king

- no one mistreats MK per say, because there King loved his adopted son, but words are said behind his back

- Sometimes MK hears what’s said, and he feels as if he won't live up to his dad’s legacy.

- He meets Mei during a festival

- Mei is from a noble family, that wouldn't mind if they got a connection into the royal family.

- but it becomes hella clear to Mei’s family very fast that the two are just friends, and will always will be. but hey there daughter is bffs with the prince so that's a plus.       

_

- the Demon Bull Family is rules a kingdom as well, I dont/am not creative enough to think of a name I leave that to you.

- It's a common misconception that DBK is a tyrant, when he’s not. 

- most of the time...

- they have been at war with the Monkey King for some time now and settled for a peace agreement.

- that agreement being there sons to marry

- oooo original i know

- MK and Red Son are roughly the same age, Mk being 20 and RS 22

- RS is revolted/disgusted at the idea of being wed to the Monkey Kings child, even more so when he realizes MK is adopted,

- but, that all changes the second he meets MK while he meets him by accident when he gets kinda lost in the palace when he and his parents go to discuss the arrangements.

- the second he looks at MK, he's instantly in love. MK less so, he's nervous and honestly kinda bummed he's not marrying someone he loves but it's for the good of his ppl, and he'll do anything for them.

- RS isn't even aware that MK is Suns adopted son until MK walks him back to the meeting room.

"Oh There you are MK! I was about to have a servant go fetch you!" Sun Wukong says, gesturing for his boy to come sit with him.

"S-sorry for keeping you waiting I got caught up in my lessons with Mr. Tang" MK responds, sitting next to his father. Red Son looked gobsmacked. The beautiful young man he had bumped into, was the prince of this land? Damn, life truly blessed him. Or cursed him depending on how you looked at it.

- the two are left alone in a separate room for a while.

- And MK straight up tells RS why he's agreeing to this union.

"Look Red Son. I've dreamed about meeting my one true love for a while. And I would give almost anything for that dram to be real. But I wouldn't ever dare give up my people, for as there price they mean more to me. I'm doing this for them, no other reason" MK says, his back straight and hands folded neatly in his lap. The look in his eyes was a mix of sadness, but that was drowned out by loyalty and determination. It just made Red Son fall for him even harder. Clearing his throat Red spoke.

"I understand, for im doing this for the betterment of my people to. But I propose a wager"

"A wager?"

"Yes, if i can make you fall in love with me by years end, before our marriage, we can live together like in the fairy tales from far away. But if I fail, in a years time afterwards you will be permitted to find your own path in life" Red Son stated. MK took a moment to process what was happening.

"So, if you succeed in making me fall in love with you, before our marriage we can live happily ever after?" Red Son nodded in response, letting the younger continue.

"And if I shouldn't fall for you, in a years time after our union, im free to leave?" Red Son nodded once more.

"So, what do you say?"

...

"Deal"

In the end, your free to choose their fate, should Red Son win the hart of Mk? Will he fail? Or will he let him go, and let him travel the country, after all Mk's a free spirit and keeping him trapped in a big house is like keeping a cannery trapped in a cage only for its song, only for it to dul. Or will the unthinkable happen and will both boys find their freedom? together or appart? I don't know, because that's all up to you 😉

personally, I’m partial to where MK and Red Son both find freedom together. Like they straight up run away together to somewhere far away and just live out there lives together. 

this could also be genderbent thing as well. MK or Red as their respective counterparts. Again it doesn't have to be, but it’s whatever bro. im just spitting out the idea. 

Also, there is a main side plot that they fight the WBS throughout the year as well, along with other shenanigans you wanna throw in.

____

The second is a My Hero Academia/BNH/MHA AU

truth be told i'm not a big fan of MHA i think it to over hyped(this is also coming from the same person that’s a Fairy Tail fan lol), and the fandom i don't even know how to describe that mess, but I will admit not the whole of its toxic since every fandom has some toxic members, some even more so. 

I just sometimes find myself enjoying MHA AUs like the Fullmetal Alchemist, Danny Phantom, Evil!Deuk AU and several others. 

to make it clear I don't see this AU taking place the same time as the main plot of the actual Anime/Manga. This could be either like 6-10 years before or after the plot idk bro. But i’ll do this after the main story plot of MHA, so keep that in mind ya? another thing, the gang is still in China, the top hero school in the world just so happens to be in Japan, and it’s only ever mentioned by Sun wukong and other pro heros. So MK never attended AU. in short it’s only ever mention/ reference.  

_

- Mk was considered Quirkless as a kid. 

- he was just a late blumer, i swear  

- Mai’s Quirk is called Dragon. 

- it pretty much works the same way as it does in the show(duh)

- Tang’s got a knowledge Quirk, 

- my man can retain information and he’s basically an archive of information drawback being his personality lol 

- Piggsy is a Animal that gained a Quirk

- in cannon to my current knowledge, there are two other characters that can confirm animals can become sentient. the characters being Fumikage Tokoyami, & Nezu the principal at the school UA.  

- Sandy is just Conner Kent, aka he like superman but can't fly, or shoot lasers from his eyes. And blue.  

I have two scenarios for Macaque and Wukong  

*- The first one is that, Sun Wukong & Macaque are brothers. twins to be exact. 

- they where legit people, but have mutation quirks that made them too like monkeys. 

- the added powers were just a boues. 

- Sun and Mac are close growing up, like there brothers but also best friends.

- the draw back to there quirks could honestly be whatever you want bro idk, same with the others tbh. Personally I like to think Sun just has lack of motivation, and Macaque needs to draw on other people's energy.

- Sun is a hero, Monkey KIng and Mac is a villain Six Eared.

- Sun was always treated has the golden child in the family, Mac always resented that, but there shitty up bring didn’t stop the two from being good brothers to one another.

- soon tho the resentment became hatred when Sun was able to attend UA in Japan, while Mac didn't.

- Mac be angy 

- so he became a villain, and joined the Chinese branch of the LOV(league of villains)

- Sun doesn't know this till he finds out during the all out war during the main story. and by that time he’s a full on hero with is own agency(The Flower Fruit agency)    

- when the hero's ultimately win and Mac is arrested 

- This ultimately hurts Sun a lot, his brother was in jail now, arrested for his involvement and wrong doings, he knew nothing about this! this brother, his blood. A bad guy? why? he hadn't seen his brother since he left for UA, he hadn’t seen him when he came home, and started his agency. 

- this just puts Sun into a funk so he’s not as active as he used to be, and he starts thinking he might need a successor 

*- The second one is that they were two separate people that had similar quirks and both attended UA but Sun ended up in the hero corse. so 1A.

- Both Macaque and Sun have similar quirks, Sun’s is obviously more light based while Macaque’s is more shadow based(this applies to the first one as well)    

- Macaque was placed in class 1B, U.A.’s High's Heroics Department, I believe, you can correct me. 

- In cannon Class 1A and 1B both went to the training camp. I can see the teachers pinning Sun and Macaque against each other to hone their skills. 

- And because of that they become great friends    

- In fact when they graduate they both co-found there hero agency together in China and are a duo.

- But due to Monkey King’s popularity and Six Eared's association with shadows(people sometimes saying he has more of a villains quirk than a heros) the public see’s Macaque as Sun’s sidekick when thats far from the truth. 

- now it’s up to you whether you think that Wukong and Macaque would be in a relationship together, but knowing how cooked we all are, ShadowPeach is a thing here more than likely. 

- If you do or don’t support/ like the ShadowPeach aspect, the two would be living together regardless since its more cost efficient. 

- They my be heroes but living costs are expensive!   

- I would imagine there would have been a huge fight/argument between the two in privet of course, at there home.(or in there shared office if you want the extra angst of the other people they work with hearing them fight)   

- If the two are dating, then this would either lead to an out right breakup, or Macaque just up and leaving with Wukong thinking he’ll come back once he’s cooled off. But after a week, with no sign of his partner, or him answering texts or calls, not even coming into work. Wukong gets worried that something might have happened to him. so there wouldn't be a confirmation if they were still a thing or not. 

- But Wukong remains hopeful, despite the nagging at the back of his head, and gut telling him to go find Macaque, or atleast make a public statement, or even just tell another pro hero about it.   

- on the not so shippy side, Macaque and Wukong still have there argument, and much like the ShadowPeach esc side, Macaque up and leaves, and isn't seen for weeks. the only difference here is that when Wukong comes home one night to there flat, most if not all of Macaques stuff is gone. 

- where as if this was the ShadowPeach side, Macaque leaves all of his possession in the flat he and wukong share. for the simple reason being, he still loves him and wants to go back, but Macaque being Macaque can’t bring himself to do it, especially after seeing just how hurt Wukong looked when he yelled at him just before he left.  

- in other words, ANGST DIALED UP TO A 10 BABY  

- in either case, its a news report that confirms Wukong's suspicions that he desperately didn’t want to believe, and that is Macaque turning into a villain.

- much like if the two were brothers, Wukong just can’t take it and is no longer as active as he once was, and is thinking about, either A) Retirement  B) Saying, “Fuck Society, Be Gay Do Crime” and join Macaque as a villain himself, or C) find a successor, and a way to bring Macaque back to there side, but most importantly, back to him.    

- also extra points if you're after people's hearts and want to make them suffer;  - If there dating, Wukong curle’s up in the bed he and Macaque shared, holding/wearing something of great value to Macaque and just crying himself to sleep, where as Macaque is getting wasted on alcohol, as he stumbles out of the bar he’s in, he either see’s something that reminds him of Wukong or while he’s trying to put his wallet back into his pocket, a photo of them on their first date fall’s out. and Macaque just cries in a nearby alley way. And it’s there where he gets indoctrinated into the League.

       - If there just friends, macaque heads to the nearest forest and just levels it, where as Wukong just gets engrossed into his work, trying not to think about it. you could add you own spin on this, again i'm just spitballing.             

- NOW BACK TO MK! :D     

- Obviously MK is a huge Monkey King fan     

- at Twenty MK has come to terms he's quirkless (HE’S NOT)

-for ANGST reasons MKs fokes kicked him out at this realization at 13.

- he works at Piggsy's Noodle shop, and has been since he was 14.

- don't need a quirk to drive or cook!

- the boy lives a content life with his new family, till DBK happens :D

- DBK runs a Mafia(in conjunction with TLOV) and has been in jail for like 5 years thanks to Monkey King, PIF and RS brake him out one night when MK's out making a late night delivery since Piggsy had the bright idea to go 24/7 service!

- one thing leads to another and Mk somehow manifest what looks like the Monkey King's staff, but its not, it’s MKs powers, it just so happens to be the same power the Monkey King has. And it practically goes down the same way in the pilot. 

- but unlike the pilot Mk and Mei go straight to the FF Agency, after making a panicked call to Pigsy and Tang.

- one way or another Mk are lead into Wukongs office. Mei being forced to stay in the lobby.

- they have there convo, butterfly monkey squishing included.

- "And so, I want you do be my success-" BOOM 💥

- from there they rush downstairs and see that the lobby has been infiltrated by the DB fam, and you know fight.

- once the DB family seems like there down, PIF wisks them away. Much to Monkey King’s displeasure.

From there stuff kind plays out like cannon, the calabash ep is just a conjoint quirk the Demon bros have. As for EP9, ill have to script that one out myself lol. I'll get onto it as soon as my will to commit stabs me in the face. Till then have a dancing Kermit the frog.

Now if you'll excuse me, am about to Kermit a felony :D

(For legal reasons thats a joke)

Psst @writingamongther0ses its done

[bobbys-naughty-corner]

Imagine buying a body pillow case of your fave character and it turning into the actual character.

NSFW

Bokuto Kotaro x reader smut.

Body Pillow

I light candles around the room. Tonight is a very special night. It’s my birthday night. This day has been really perfect. I hung out with friends, they treated me to dinner and entertainment. They made me nearly forget about tonight’s actual celebration. I pulled out the Amazon box that I had tucked under my bed and finally opened it. I closed my eyes praying it was my birthday order and not some other order I forgot about. I peeked open my eyes and squealed. I saw Bokuto’s face smiling and a brand new vibrator. I pulled out the pillow case and immediately stuffed it over the satin case that’s already over my body pillow. I leaned him against my head board and went to tear open the new vibrator. I immediately charged it and looked around. You deserve this. Yes the hell I do. I picked up my phone and shut it off, I don’t want any interruptions. I then went into my draws and pulled out my new lingerie and ran to the bathroom to get in the shower. I shaved nearly every inch of my body, even my anus too. After my shower I put on lotion and coconut oil.l, to make me smooth. I used Shea butter on my bare areas. I came out the bathroom and tossed my towel on the side of my bed. Just in case I need it later. I check the vibrator and it was working pretty well. I unplugged it and started my night. I climbed over my new pillow, looking at every crease and fixing them. His body looked nearly real, nearly. My hands rubbed against his flat silky chest. My hips started to move too. I was grinding over the pillow, the new thong I brought now tugs at my clit when I move and I let out little huffs as a result of the smooth friction. I reached for the vibrator and turned it on. Changing through the different pleasure options. I settled on a constant vibration, a masturbation classic. I moved my thong to the side and gently placed the silicon toy on my clit. I jumped at the contact. I put the vibrator on my clit again and my legs shook a little. “Oh,” I said unconsciously. I rubbed the toy up and down until it touched a area that had my legs wanting to wobble. “Ah! Hmm!” I let out little high pitched moans and bit my bottom lip to stop me from getting too loud. My stomach caved and I squeezed my eyes shut. My body collapsed backwards onto the bed. I raised my legs and literally gave my pillow a view from the south. My legs were spread and the vibrator still on my clit as I shuddered from the toy. As if a gust of wind came in my room, which is impossible since all my windows are closed so is my door, all the candles went out. It was pitch black for a second before they lit back up again. But I was too busy chasing an orgasm as I had my eyes shut tight to even notice. “AhhH Bo!” I let out a strangled moan calling out his name. I gasped sharply when I felt something pull me. I opened my eyes a little and saw his head eyeing my vagina. Who? Bokuto dumby. He had his arms wrapped around my thighs as he stared at my clenching hole. “You’re really leaking.” I blinked and he was still there. “B-bo?” I stuttered. When his eyes looked up at me I instantly orgasmed. My eyes rolled back and my hips bucked in his face. I cried as he watched me descend from the high I climbed. I quickly removed the vibrator so I wouldn’t overstimulate myself. Bokuto’s hands held my thighs tightly as he ducked his head and sucked my my clit. I squeaked and he chuckled against my sensitive nub. “No, stop!” I pushed his head but it didn’t do anything except make him growl. His eyes were closed as he literally made out with my clit. “S-stop! ‘S too mu- Ahh!~” I moaned out during my next orgasm. He slowly let my hips hit the bed as I bucked against his tongue. He left my vagina with a long lick and kissed my pelvis. “You are the most beautiful girl in the world. I could watch you cum 24/7.” He trailed his kisses up my body. I covered my face embarrassed that this is really happening and I’m letting it. I mean I daydream about this man everyday, I prayed a man like him would come into my life and here he is. The man himself.

I watched him kiss my nipples and play with them in his hands and mouth from under my hands. “Bokuto?” I called for him. Turning my head to the side, afraid of making eye contact with him. “Look at me.” He said. I glanced at him from the side of my eyes. His lips still kissing my flesh. “You can do better. I want to see your whole face, beautiful.” He lifted his body and towered over me his hands caging me in. I turned my head fully, and stared into his golden eyes. His stare was intense but it filled me with a nice sensation. Like he was shouting “I LOVE YOU!” through his eyes. His lips tugged into a smile. “Can I?” I pointed down to his erection. His shorts weren’t high enough to cover the tip that was sticking out and leaking cum on me. “By all means baby. Just be gentle with me.” He kissed my cheek and leaned back. I followed and laid on my stomach. “Damn your ass is fat.” His long arm swatted my left cheek and it jiggled. The he did the same to the right, and soon he started to just make it bounce in his hands. I pulled his shorts down as he was occupied and his member continued to leak out small beads of cum. I stuck my tongue out and caught a dripping bead and used my left hand to push him back into his spine as I tried to catch all the cum on my tongue while pulling myself up enough to engulf his huge erection into my mouth. His hands went back to touching me though. One hand hooked the back of my neck while the other pushed my hair up trying to help me keep my hair out of way. He slowly helped me sink further down his shaft. My lips passed the tip and I started gagging when he pushed my head down more. “It’s ok, just breathe through your nose.” I pulled back suddenly and coughed. “Oh baby. We can stop if you-“ “NO! I wanna make you cum just like you did me.” I interrupted him. My hands wiped the saliva from the tip of his dick down the shaft and I drooled over my hands making them more slippery and wet as he moaned from my stroking. “Ahh ha, just like that. C’mere!” He pulled my bra and kissed my lips. His other hand squeezed my ass and gave my butt a hard slap. I yelped into his mouth, he soothed the pain away by massaging my bum. His hips jerked a couple of times. I used one hand to find the vibrator as we continued to kiss and I continued to give him a handjob. When my fingers brushed across the toy I immediately placed it on the tip of his dick. He didn’t seem to care or know what it was. I clicked the vibrator on and he moaned loudly. “FUUUCK! Don’t stop!” His hand gripped my wrist and helped me pump him faster. He stared at me as groaned, a hand clutching my hair forcing me to look at him as he was about to climax. “Can’t wait to fuck you stupid. Make you dumb for my cock. Ahh oh princess!” His hips stuttered as he came all over me. I watched as ropes of his cum landed on my stomach, breast and thighs. He yanked my head back and crushed his lips on mine. He pulled me back as he climbed on me. Using his other hand to push up one of my thighs and angle me. “Bokuto, I’ve never d-“ he shut me up with a chaste kiss. “I know. Trust me I’ll make sure you love it dirty girl. You’ve treated me so well now I want to make sure you see stars.” He aligned himself and my breath hitched. Was I ready for this? I gave him a scared look and he smiled at me, reassuringly. “Tell me when to stop.” He pushed against my vagina and I felt the tip trying to squeeze its way in. I hissed at the feeling of him slowly tearing me apart. He slowly dropped his weight on me, trying to keep me from moving away. I clutched sheets with all my strength trying to ignore the pain. Bokuto planted kisses on my jaw. I whined and let out tiny cries. The further he pushed in the thicker he got and the harder it was for him to fully be inside me. “I know I know.” Do you fucking know?! I yelled in my head. He entangled his hands in mine and placed them above my head. “You’re doing so well. I’m almost in.” He sat up, leaning his weight on my hands and his knees. I stared at him in awe, taking in every inch of his body as he was becoming one with me.

Suddenly his hips thrusted forward. Pushing the rest of his dick in me. I cried and felt a terrible sting at my vagina. I tried to pull my hands out of his but he was too strong. “Shh shh shh. It’s over now. Give me a kiss.” He kissed me but I moved my head and continued crying. “It hurts!” I yelled at him. Each move of my hip rekindled the pain and I kept on crying. He leaned in my ear and whispered, “forgive me.” His hips raised and slowly came back down. His hips moved up and down, sliding his dick in and out of me. “Bokuto, please wait.” I pleaded. “It’ll feel better I promise.” His hips kept moving slowly. He kissed my neck as his dick made my vagina puffy and sensitive. “You have no idea how amazing you feel. Your pussy wraps around my cock so perfectly. Such a good girl for me. You’re taking me so well, so proud of my big girl. I love you YN, I love you so much. Feel good with me.” He said into my neck before sitting up to stare down at me as I tried to hold back my cries. He began to drag his hips against mine. His pubic hair brushing against my clit making me clench around him. “Moan for me. Say my name, I wanna hear you.” He commanded. I bit the insides of my lips and held back my lewd sounds because, why not? He grinned at me sadistically and removed his hands from my wrist. His hips stopped moving, halting his thrusts. His nails raked down my breast, even scratching my areolas, and down my belly making me suck in my gut and shudder. His hands settled on my hips and held me tightly. His hips quickly clapped against mine making them slap loudly. I let out a moan/groan from his thrust. Each slap made me wetter from the sound alone, it was so erotic. I kept groaning between my teeth as he repeated his assaults on my gentals. His dick was hitting what I assumed to be my cervix. It hurt so nicely, I nearly let out an actual moan from it. My voice picking up pitch. I shut my eyes trying not to moan like a porn star but it was getting harder and harder. I felt myself melting more and more. My eyes, half lidded and clouded with lust. My hands held the sheets in a tight grip, my knuckles nearly turning white. “My my, I seem to have a very stubborn little puppy.” He laughed. His pace was slow but hard. One of his hands lift up one of my thighs. He kissed my leg and sucked on some of my fatty flesh. “Oh, look at that face. You like me kissing your body? Do you like being worshiped physically? I can do much more for you, I just need you to say so. Beg for my touch I promise it’ll be worth your wild.” I stubbornly reached to touch my clit but he slapped my arm away. I tried again and he smacked my hand again. He stared at me, eyes full of impatience. I’m sure he wanted to threaten me, or force me to actually beg. But he just waited it out, mentally timing how long it would take for me to give in. I couldn’t handle his eyes anymore, they were getting too intense. So I started begging, with my eyes. He didn’t like that though. His hand quickly grabbed my neck, squeezing with two fingers under my jaw. My eyes rolled back and I finally let out a moan. “Ahh Kotaro! Please! Touch me please!” I yelled, hands gripping his wrist and body rocking with his thrusts. My bed hit the wall every time our hips collided. “Oh now you want to speak?” His hips came down pretty harshly. Sending sharp pain throughout my body making me babble bull shit and moan out ridiculously. “Kotaro! Oh fuck! Slow!- Down!” He didn’t stop though. He had me drunk in lust and pleasure. Drowning in a sea of my juice. “Damn baby. You gonna cum?” His other hand went to flick my clit with his thumb. My body spasmed, I couldn’t handle the sensitivity. Nearing my next climax he slowed down. He put all his weight on me and pushed my thighs to my torso, trapping me under him in a mating press. The position had him hitting my cervix more. He pushed three fingers in my mouth and his other hand flicked my clit. He raised his hips high and quickly dropped them, a scream erupted from my mouth. He did the same thing again, my cervix now feeling abused too much.

My vagina felt swollen. Abused. Weird. I screamed in his ear but he ignored it as he pumped deeply inside me. Pushing my walls apart with each insertion of his dick. “Kotaro,” I whispered his name. It being barely audible to him because of his fingers. “Come with me! You’re taking me like such a good girl. Oh fuck yeah! I’m going to fill that womb up! Fuck! Fuck! Shit!” My eyes crossed as he got rougher. He felt my walls pulsing around him. His tip giving my cervix a hard pounding. My nails raked down his back. Leaving huge red scars down his shoulders and spine. He groaned from my finger nails clawing him. He bit down on my shoulder and as if things couldn’t get better I felt a snap in me and so much pleasure washed over my body. I bit his fingers and he gave me harder thrusts in return. This man was unbelievable. My toes curled and my thighs were about to get a cramp. His hips stopped and he clenched his teeth. Pushing in further as he came inside me. “You’re squeezing everything out of me.” He pulled out and ran out of my room. I felt so sore. It hurt to put my legs down and I was too weak to even move. My mind too clouded to even wonder where he went. I felt wrecked. My eyes were slowly closing as I stared at the ceiling. It was hard to stay awake, but I wanted to wait for him. I wanted to see him again. I want him to hold me. I fought the impending fatigue that was plaging my whole body. When I heard my door open, I wanted to turn my head but I couldn’t even move my neck. His lips pecked my cheek and his hand played in my hair. I wished I wasn’t dreaming. His arms scooped me up and moved me further into the bed. He laid beside me and sling an arm over my body. He gave me a final kiss good night and my eyes shut finally. My subconscious dreaded the wait to the morning. I didn’t want to wake up next to a pillow.

[unsaidmar]

WC: 2.5k (long winded girl, I know)

Plot: They share stuff and it changes how they see things. Connection ensues. 

CW: Mentions of death, illness, hospitals I guess, violence.

a/n: Hello y’all. This is part two of whatever the fuck is going on inside my pea brain. Hope you enjoy.

Part one, the meeting. 

Two; It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

She laughed at the awkwardness of the text and the perfect grammar Dr. Spencer Reid maintained while texting. Ollie made a mental note to care a little more about the phrasing of her own texts, especially considering the circumstances. To say she wanted to impress him was an understatement.

“Good, germs are yucky.” Sent at 7:45 am.

“Also, hi. Good morning” Sent at 7:45 am.

Good morning? Too much too soon? She fell victim to her overthinking for at least twenty minutes after sending her last text, realizing she had to slowly build up the courage to ask about the next time they would be seeing each other, which apparently would have to wait, since Spencer had an inconvenient schedule and could be out of the state in a matter of 20 minutes.  Ollie exhaled and stood up from her awful office chair to go and make herself some coffee, hoping to stop her mind from reeling and sending her into her usual never-ending pit of despair and anxiety that came with stepping out of her comfort zone.

A ping echoed in the room and her screen lit up, displaying a text from the one person she had been thinking about. Ollies mother would be crying laughing if she saw the state she was in, positively losing hair over the fact that a cute, smart, witty man was texting her back. A man she had spoken to for the first time not even 24 hours prior.

“I’m a nice person, I’m funny sometimes, I offered him coffee.” She whispered to herself, rationalizing every aspect of their interaction. “That’s how friendships start” She laughed bitterly. “I’m here… freaking… wishful thinking, and maybe he has a significant other… maybe he doesn’t even like women… maybe he just thought I was nice and he thought ‘yay, a new friend’… fuck” she plopped herself back on the chair and threw her head back.

Lia would have known what the right thing to do is, she would come up with a cool thing to text back on the spot, and she resented her absence like she had a million times before. Ollie had gotten used to writing her letters like her best friend was living somewhere else in the world and she would eventually read her friend’s attempt at keeping her updated, which she knew was not healthy and definitely not helping her move on.

The thing is, Lia’s death was not a surprise at all. It was a possibility to the point of actually being expected. She had been diagnosed as a terminal patient for a little over a year before she passed and almost everyone around her had made peace with the fact that she could go any day and that life would have to go on without her, but no amount of grief counseling and encouraging talks with Lia’s family could have prepared her for the unimaginable pain Ollie felt when it happened. She had heard about experiences that made the world turn upside down and how some life events made you go numb and make your legs give weight, but had never come face to face with a happenstance that painful.

She figured she was going to have to carry the burden of her loss till the day she died, and even then, the words “I missed you, till the very end.” would be carved in her grave.

Coming back from her spiral, she remembered how she fell down the rabbit hole in the first place. She took her phone with the intention of texting Spencer back and smiled at how stupid she had been to worry about seeing him again.

“Hey, arrest made successfully. Are you busy right now?” Sent at 7:57 am.

Sighing with relief, Ollie smiled and tried to sound casual with her reply as to not sound like seeing him again was the only thing she had been thinking about.

“I’m the boss, I can un-busy myself. Why? Were you charmed by my Keurig?” Sent at 8:00 am.

Spencer was not the kind to send sassy texts, or any text for that matter. This was completely new to him and he was determined to get it right, so he channeled the Derek Morgan that lived within him and prayed to whatever deity was looking out for him to make him sound cooler than he was feeling.

“I’m a sucker for coffee so, yes.” Sent at 8:05

 “I’m a sucker for you, apparently” Ollie nearly screamed at how quickly that came out of her mouth. “Fucking loser, dear God” She shook her head, scolding herself and whatever hamster was in charge of her brain and thought process.

“Mi oficina es tu oficina, then. I’ll be waiting.” Sent at 8:07

Twenty minutes later, he was there, coffee cup in his hands. After what felt like no time at all, they were four coffee cups deep into their conversation and had learned a lot more about each other. Turns out Spencer had a day off after they landed from an away case, he had a thing with germs, his favorite color was purple and his co-workers were more his family than just the people he happened to work with. He liked a bunch of sugar with his coffee and had an eidetic memory that was as much of a blessing as it was a curse.

He was impressed at how this girl was not what you would expect her to be, every aspect of her seemed to make no sense and at the same time, it made perfect sense. This purple haired girl had ADHD and a PhD in history, she was the oldest daughter of two of the most stubborn Mexican immigrants and had a sister that made even the most patient of humans go mad. She loved music, and was not ashamed to admit that her taste in music was far from sophisticated. “I am Taylor Swift’s bitch; I know the words to every single one of her songs! Same goes for One Direction too” She argued when Spencer said that it couldn’t be that bad.

A blaring ring halted their conversation to an unexpected stop. Ollie picked up the office phone with an annoyed grimace and exchanged a few words with whoever was calling.

“Hold that thought, I have to go sign a thingy at the front desk” She dashed out of her office and left Spencer there.

For the first time, he felt compelled to look around and fixate on the details. There were a few old looking pictures and some newer ones with people who looked a lot like her. There was one picture that caught his attention, isolated from the rest like it deserved a spot of its own. In it, there was a red-haired girl that looked around Ollie’s age, one of her arms around her waist and the other one cradling her head that was laying on her shoulder. Ollie’s eyes were closed and the red head looked like she was caught mid-sentence. Stuck to the frame was a little post it note that read “I love you, head ass. -Lia” It looked intimate, they were clearly comfortable with that kind of physical affection, and if Lia hadn’t called Ollie a head ass in the post it, he would have assumed they were together romantically.

Ollie came back in a hurry, apologizing for having to run out like that and sitting back down to resume their conversation.

“It’s okay, don’t worry” Spencer assured her. “I was looking at your pictures, I hope you don’t mind” He said, suddenly very aware of how invasive that could be.

“Not at all, those are there to be looked at” She shrugged, bracing herself for the question she knew was coming. Somehow, talking about Lia with him did not feel as dreadful as it had all those times she was asked about it before, perhaps it’s just him and his calming presence.

Sure enough, he pointed at the picture Lia had framed for valentine’s day and asked, “Who’s that?”.

“That’s Lia, she was my best friend. She is my best friend.” She smiled fondly, something that had never happened before when talking about this specific topic. Maybe sharing Lia’s memory with someone who didn’t know her was different. “She passed away almost a year and a half ago. 468 days ago, to be exact. She was really sick, it was inevitable” Ollie let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, reaching for the post it and tracing the words over with her finger.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been”

“It was… heartbreaking. Even with all that time we had to process the news, it still took me off guard.” She shook her head trying to ground herself. “Anyways, that’s a sad topic. I don’t want to bum you out with it.”

He knew the feeling all too well, he had apologized to several people when he rambled about Maeve, feeling like he had said too much and gotten too personal. He was not about to let this beautiful, vibrant soul feel the way he had for so long. Like he still did, truly.

“Don’t apologize, I get it. You’re not making me sad” He felt like he needed to elaborate to actually convey the message. “I went through the same thing with someone I loved too” he said, looking down at his hands, the very familiar feeling of oversharing creeping in. As he looked up, he noticed the sad look Ollie was giving him, but if the profiler in him was right, she was inviting him to share, not to stop.

“Her name was Maeve. She… she was a geneticist. She helped me through a rough time and she became my friend. It’s a long story…” he looked away.

“I want to hear it, long or not. But only if you want me to.” She gave him the warmest smile she could muster, which convinced him to keep going.

“Um, I started getting some headaches a while ago. I went to a few doctors but none of them gave me an answer. I reached out to Maeve for help and… We bonded, I guess.” He took a shaky breath.

“You don’t have to continue if you feel uncomfortable” she whispered in the most delicate tone.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just… I’ve never told this story before. Everyone in my life that I care about was there to see it.” He said, meeting her eyes so she could see how honest he was being. The man got a hold of himself for a minute, and continued.

“Maeve had to go into hiding. She was being stalked by some woman she met at work. Beyond talking on the phone, we hadn’t even met. I had no idea what she looked like and vice versa. This girl, the stalker… She wrote a paper, and Maeve dismissed it because it didn’t have a good enough foundation. When she started stalking her, she scared her into hiding and eventually started dating her ex-fiancé to try and get closer to Maeve, assuming he knew where she was. They ended up finding her and confronting her. She shot herself and the first person I ever loved. Right in front of me and my friends. The first five minutes I got with Maeve face to face, were the last.”

Baring his soul to a person he had known for a whooping 18 hours was the weirdest thing Spencer had ever done, so unlike himself it was almost funny. But at the same time, he felt like it had to happen. By no means did he believe in fate or destiny, but this one moment made him feel like maybe whoever does believe in that stuff, is not completely wrong.

She was not a therapist. She listened because she was going through a similar thing herself and her interest in Spencer’s loss was not rooted in psychoanalyzing him and helping him cope. She was just a mundane human that did not look at him with condescension and pity, she looked at him like she, too, had found a person who wouldn’t ask her “And, how does that make you feel?” in a monotonous voice. They both knew better than to assume they had all the answers.

“Spencer, that’s horrible. I am so sorry you had to see that. Jesus, fuck. I- “She thought about her next words very carefully. “That’s enough to crush anyone’s spirit” She looked at him like he was turning green. The reason being, he did not look like he was crushed. He had a beautiful smile that shook Ollie to her core, he was easygoing and conversation with him was carefree and it flowed easily. If he had not told her about Maeve, she would not have guessed the man sitting right in front of her was as affected as her.

“How did you manage to get through that?” Ollie questioned, fully intending to take notes.

“I don’t really think I have yet…” Well, time to come clean. Spencer thought. “The whole reason I was here yesterday, and a lot more times before that one, is because she and I talked about this museum. She told me about some conferences she had attended here and we made plans to visit together. Doesn’t quite sound like someone who’s over the whole thing.” He fiddled with his fingers, suddenly too aware of how cold it was. “How did you get through Lia’s death?”

“Yeah, well. I don’t really think I’m quite there either. Not like I’m trying, anyways. I can’t seem to get away from the Grey Roots either” Mental images of two little kids running around with dusty books in their hands came to her and she couldn’t help the small smile she broke into.

“I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, I have always thought that the way Lia and I found each other was pure magic. We met when we were in the second grade, right in this museum, we were on a field trip and we clicked. It was crazy to me that I actually met my best friend at such a young age, and the kind that lasts forever too. It sounds like when people meet the love of their lives on their first try. It sounds dorky, I know”

“It doesn’t. If anything, it sounds like you consider yourself lucky to have loved her like you did. We need more people like that, people that believe in magic.” Spencer reassured her with a shrug. He wished he could believe in cute stuff like that, but he was happy Ollie led a life that made her believe.

“Yeah, but us crazy people, we get our hopes up too easily. Sometimes it hurts.”

“Tell me about it.”

And just like that, in the not so well-lit office of the head Conservator of the Grey Roots Museum and Archive, something in the world had shifted.

[taeyongdoyoung]

summary: you are a mermaid and you save a handsome man from drowning but little do you know it’s not his first rodeo when dealing with mermaids. seonghwa, a former prince, is currently hongjoong’s first mate and boyfriend. hongjoong is the captain, the pirate king of the most savage crew across the seas. and you want nothing to do with them. not because they’re pirates, but because they’re humans…

ship: mermaid!reader x prince/pirate!seonghwa x pirate!hongjoong

genre: little mermaid!au, pirate!au, romance, ANGST, fantasy

warnings: manipulation, betrayal, lying, jealousy, insecurities, death mentions, to sum up: everyone suffers a lot and i have no excuse

author’s note: actually nah, yeosang & soojin are living their best lives

word count: 3.5k

chapter one ☠️ chapter two ☠️ chapter three ☠️ chapter four ☠️  chapter six ☠️  chapter seven ☠️ chapter eight  ☠️ chapter nine ☠️ chapter ten ☠️ chapter eleven ☠️ chapter twelve ☠️ chapter thirteen ☠️ spotify playlist

Hongjoong’s POV

I couldn’t take it anymore. The more time passed, the closer Seonghwa got to Y/N. It was destroying me slowly. I wanted her out of his life, out of my life. Everything was perfect before. But my boyfriend was spending more and more of his free minutes in her company. And it was so damn frustrating. Because these minutes were supposed to be mine. 

I was the one he was supposed to cherish. But he barely paid any attention to me. I wanted to get rid of her so fucking badly. At first, I considered killing her. But then, I changed my mind. If Seonghwa ever found out, he would hate me for it. He would end things with me for good. It would have an opposite effect of what I wanted to achieve. 

So, instead I came up with a different plan altogether. I wanted her out of the picture, right? I just had to convince her to leave on her own terms. To convince her that Seonghwa wasn’t good enough for her. And I knew just the thing that would make her walk away. Well, technically, she would swim away, but whatever. 

A smile appeared on my face. It was perfect. I just had to figure out how to get her alone. Whenever she swam by, Seonghwa was always quick to go to her. I needed him to be distracted by something so that I could accomplish my plan. An idea was already forming in my head. But I needed Yeosang’s help. And I couldn’t tell him the truth about my intentions, because he might tell Seonghwa and then everything would go to hell. So, naturally, I improvised.

“Sangie, will you help me with something?” I cooed in the younger boy’s ear while he was cooking something.

“What is it, hyung?” Yeosang asked.

“Well, you remember what you suggested a while ago? About having more than one lover…”

“Oh my God, did you finally make up your mind? You’re going to stop being jealous of Y/N?”

“M-maybe,” I lied. “But I want it to be a surprise for Seonghwa. And in order to do that, I need to talk to her first. Alone.”

“What do you need me for?” Yeosang inquired, eager to help. Poor boy had no idea he was being deceived.

“I need you to distract Seonghwa while I’m discussing it with Y/N. Can you do that for me?”

“Sure thing! I’ll tell him there’s an emergency in the kitchen next time she swims by and make him come with me while you’re talking with Y/N.”

“Really? That sounds great. Thank you so much, Sangie!” I responded, trying not to sound too gleeful about it.

“Of course, it’s no big deal,” Yeosang replied. “I really hope things work out for the three of you. It’d be so nice for you to finally get along with Y/N. She really isn’t a bad person.”

I restrained myself from pointing out that she wasn’t even a person at all.

🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️

Reader’s POV

During the past few weeks you’d been swimming to the pirates’ ship every day. Talking to Seonghwa about his adventures was the highlight of your day. You called his name as soon as you reached the ship. You were surprised when he didn’t show up immediately. So far, it had never taken him so long. A couple of moments later, you were greeted by Hongjoong, the captain of the ship and Seonghwa’s boyfriend. You frowned in suspicion, because he never regarded you. So, what changed? Why did he suddenly want to communicate with you. It was weird.

“What do you want?” you huffed. “Where is Seonghwa?”

“Unavailable at the moment, I’m afraid,” Hongjoong informed you.

So strange…

“Listen, I can tell you two are getting closer so I felt it’s only right to warn you.”

“I don’t need to hear anything from you,” you groaned in annoyance. “I know you’re jealous I might steal your boyfriend away. Whatever you say, it won’t stop me from wanting to be his friend.”

“I might as well go ahead and say it, then,” Hongjoong laughed. “If you’re so sure it’ll change nothing.”

Your raised an eyebrow in curiosity. What was he getting at? Did he actually have anything worth talking about or was he just bluffing for whatever reason?

“Go ahead,” you gave him permission needlessly, because he was already intent on telling you something very important.

“Didn’t you ever wonder how Seonghwa knew about Ariel?” Hongjoong suddenly questioned you.

“Many humans have heard the story,” you didn’t think much about it. But now that he mentioned it…Seonghwa had looked particularly heartbroken whenever Ariel’s name came up in conversation. You wondered…why was that?

“You’d be surprised what Seonghwa knows and hasn’t told you.”

You tilted your head slightly in confusion. What was he talking about?

“Shouldn’t I be asking him that?” you challenged Hongjoong. “Why should I trust you? All you’ve ever done since we met is be jealous.”

Hongjoong shook his head.          

“Seonghwa’s not the man he claims to be. He’s hiding a terrible secret from you.”

“Stop being so ambiguous!” you were getting angry. “Just say whatever lie you’ve made up and leave me alone!”

Hongjoong nodded.

“Alright, then. You want a lie? The truth is Seonghwa is the reason Ariel turned into sea foam. She loved him,” he said, causing you to flinch. “That’s right,” he kept going. “He was the prince who abandoned her. She gave her voice, her tail and her life for him and he tossed it all away. Is that the kind of man you like?”

Tears began clouding your sight. This couldn’t be real. Hongjoong was lying.

“If he’s as terrible as you say he is, why are you with him?” you asked rightly. “Why would you feel threatened by me?”

Hongjoong laughed bitterly.

“You got it all wrong. I’m just as terrible as him, that’s why we belong together. I’ve killed people, Y/N. Seonghwa has, too. But you don’t belong in our world. You should save yourself before it’s too late.”

You couldn’t believe this. It had to be a lie. Right?

“After all, you don’t want to end up like her, do you?” Hongjoong dealt the killing blow.

By then, your eyes were filled with salty tears and your hands were shaking.

“Ask him if you don’t believe me,” Hongjoong chuckled sarcastically. “Unless…you’re afraid to hear him say it.”

“I’m not afraid of anything!” you screamed in frustration and returned where you have always belonged – to the bottom of the sea.

☠️☠️☠️

Seonghwa’s POV

I always warned Yeosang not to cook by himself, because it usually ended in disaster. So, naturally, I got a bit annoyed, because he didn’t listen to me. Of course, I couldn’t let him deal with the consequences all by himself and gave him a helping hand, whenever he needed assistance with his cooking adventures. 

It wasn’t his fault that he burned something in the kitchen the minute Y/N came by to see me. However, by the time the chicken issue was dealt with, Y/N had already vanished without even talking to me. I felt a bit bummed out about that, but yet again, it couldn’t be helped. It was just an unpleasant coincidence. But when she didn’t show up the next day…and then, the following days, as well, I started to get worried. 

I asked Yeosang if he knew anything about that, but he simply responded that Soojin hadn’t appeared recently, either. So, he was as concerned about our mermaid friends as I was. When a whole week passed without any trace of them, I knew that something had happened. This wasn’t like them at all. During the past month, Y/N and Soojin wouldn’t miss a day without interacting with us. 

Their sudden disappearance was troubling, to say the least. When I couldn’t take it any longer, I reached out to Yeosang once more in hopes of finding out why they were no longer around. This time, he told me something different, which surprised me.

“Hongjoong was the last person who talked to Y/N before she and Soojin vanished.”

“Hongjoong?” my eyes narrowed in suspicion. “That doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t even like Y/N. Why would he talk to her?”

“That was my thought, as well,” Yeosang exclaimed. “It was supposed to be a surprise, but he asked me to distract you, while he was having a conversation with her.”

“What for?” I kept pressing Yeosang for information. This situation was getting really frustrating.

“He…wanted to convince her that he was okay with her being your lover. It was my idea, actually.”

“And what, you think Y/N found that idea so displeasing that she would leave without talking to me? And Soojin, too. Something doesn’t add up.”

Yeosang nodded, agreeing with me.

“Now that I think about it, Hongjoong seemed awfully cheerful about making peace with her.”

“Out of character much, no?” I frowned.

“Precisely. I don’t want to get in the way of your relationship, hyung, but it’s highly possible, he tricked us both.”

I bit my lips anxiously.

“I’m afraid you might be right. I have no choice but to ask him myself.”

“No, hyung, wait,” Yeosang made an attempt to stop me, probably because he didn’t want me to get hurt, but it was already too late, because I was determined to find out what exactly Hongjoong had told Y/N to make her leave without even bothering to say goodbye to me.

☠️☠️☠️

Hongjoong’s POV

Things were going great. Ever since I told Y/N about Seonghwa and Ariel’s history, I had my boyfriend all to myself. My plan had been executed so perfectly that I couldn’t help but worry it was too much of a good thing. I mean…Seonghwa would occasionally ask around if anyone had heard anything from Y/N. But I was certain he’d forget her soon enough and move on. Right?

Well, to put it simply, I was wrong. And I messed up so fucking badly I wanted to punch myself.

“What did you tell her, Hongjoong?” Seonghwa yelled at me angrily, grabbing me by the shirt, his face dangerously close to mine and not in the way I was used to and loved. He was furious. And he had every right to be. I was such an asshole for telling her. He’d trusted me with such a big secret and I’d betrayed him. I wasn’t sure he would ever forgive me for it. So, I played dumb.

“What are you talking about?” I feigned ignorance to the best of my abilities.

“Oh, don’t pull that shit,” Seonghwa rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Yeosang told me you were the last person on this ship who was seen talking to Y/N. Don’t make me ask again,” he threatened.

I gulped nervously.

“Why would I talk to her? It’s not like we have anything in common,” I lied.

“You have me,” Seonghwa chuckled darkly. “So, cut the crap and tell me...unless you want me to go to the bottom of the sea and ask her myself.”

I sighed. That was exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid. What was the use of me talking to Y/N if Seonghwa was going to go after her anyways? I was such an idiot it was embarrassing.

“Hwa, baby, I’m so sorry.”

I didn’t even need to verbalize what I’d told her. Seonghwa already knew.

“Please, tell me you didn’t,” he pleaded, his voice on the verge of breaking.

But I did. How could I deny it? So, instead, I just looked him in the eyes, my own were filled with regret.

Seonghwa shook his head in disappointment.

“How could you do this to me, Hongjoong? I trusted you and you betrayed me.”

“I could ask you the same thing,” I replied, immediately going on the offence, because it would hurt me less than admitting I was in the wrong. “Do you know how it feels to watch you watch her? It’s killing me, Hwa, it’s killing me that you’d rather be with someone else if you could. That I’m not good enough for you.”

Seonghwa flinched away from me as if I’d struck him with my words.

“You were good enough. But honestly, I’m looking at you right now and I can’t even recognize the man I fell in love with. I never did anything wrong, Hongjoong. So don’t project your insecurities onto me, because you and I both know I’m not the one who broke your trust.”

Fuck. I knew he was right but what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t take back what I’ve said or done. And if he hadn’t given me reason to question his loyalty, I wouldn’t have gotten this far.

“Fine. You didn’t do anything wrong, but you thought of it.”

“It’s not the same!” Seonghwa screamed. “Damn it, Hongjoong. If I think about killing someone, it’s not the same as actually killing them.”

“Are you thinking about killing me right now?” I asked him, my voice cold and devoid of any emotion. Inside, I was burning alive.

“I don’t know,” Seonghwa responded. “But I’m thinking I don’t want to stay in the same room with you.”

I nodded in understanding.

“That’s fair.”

And then, he walked away, taking the shattered pieces of my heart with him.

🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️🧜‍♀️

Reader’s POV

You had spent the last week trying to distract yourself by doing all of your favourite activities. Collecting starfish with Soojin, observing corals, catching fish, dancing with dolphins, orchestrating concerts with the seagulls. Anything and everything that would take your mind off things. You were so desperately trying to forget everything you’d learned from Hongjoong that you forgot your initial plan. You were supposed to hear Seonghwa’s side of the story. You supposed that Hongjoong’s judgement was clouded by jealousy and he may or may not have exaggerated the extent to which Seonghwa was guilty of Ariel’s death. And yet, something was telling you that he was telling the truth...for the most part.

At one point, Soojin couldn’t put up with your refusal to talk to Seonghwa ever again.

“We have to go up! You guys should discuss this. Instead you’re just shutting him out without allowing him to explain.”

You scoffed.

“Oh, please, you just want to make out with Yeosang. You don’t give a shit about whether Seonghwa was actually responsible for our cousin’s demise.”

Soojin slapped your hand lightly, obviously offended.

“How could you say that? I cared about Ariel, too. But I don’t think Seonghwa is the type of guy who’d hurt her on purpose.”

“Didn’t you hear what I said? Hongjoong told me everything. And who, if not him, would know Seonghwa’s secrets best? Seriously, Soojin, sometimes I think you live in an imaginary world where everything’s perfect and no one gets hurt. Well, wake up, sweetheart! Reality sucks and we have to think twice before trusting some dumb pirates.”

Soojin was getting even more angry with you.

“Even if it’s true, isn’t it only right to hear Seonghwa admit to it? You said it yourself. Hongjoong was jealous of you. What if he lied to you, huh? Wouldn’t you like to know for sure? And yes, maybe I do miss Yeosang. Like…a lot. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or Ariel. You know I have always had your back, Y/N. I’m on your side and I just want you to be happy again. Please, just give Seonghwa one last chance.”

You closed your eyes, trying to numb the pain. Soojin had a point, of course she had. But realizing it meant you had to admit you were wrong.

“Fine,” you finally conceded. “But if I don’t like his explanation, I’m going back here for good. You can do whatever you want with Yeosang but you won’t drag me with you ever again.”

“I swear you won’t regret it, sis!” Soojin vowed solemnly.

“I hope, for your own sake, that you’re right.”

She gave you a tight hug and made you promise not to act rashly and consider every side of the story before making a final decision. You said that you’d try your best to be more patient and she seemed pleased enough by that. All that remained now was to actually put this plan into practice.

☠️☠️☠️

Seonghwa’s POV

I knocked on Yeosang’s door lightly, hoping he’d answer. I was so angry and upset with Hongjoong that I couldn’t imagine sleeping in the same bed as him. How could he do this to me? At first, I hadn’t planned on ever telling Y/N about my love for Ariel. But the more I got to know her, the more I wanted to be completely honest with her.

It was my secret to tell. He had no right to take that away from me. He had no right to drive her away. I was willing to bet he hadn’t presented the facts, as they were. I should have seen this coming. I should have anticipated his jealousy leading him into making this decision. I shouldn’t have trusted him.

“Hyung?” Yeosang murmured sleepily and rubbed his eyes as he opened the door to his room.

“Can I stay here tonight?”

“Sure,” he stepped aside to let me in. “Did something happen?”

“Just go back to sleep, Sangie. I don’t want to talk about it,” I responded.

“Oh, okay. Well, you don’t have to talk,” Yeosang sat down next to me on the edge of the bed and wrapped his gentle arms around me. A silent tear rolled down my cheek as I tried to restrain myself from crumbling. Why did it have to hurt so much? “It’s okay, hyung. Everything will be okay.”

“T-thank you,” I mumbled and squeezed his hand tightly. “For being there for me.”

“Try to get some sleep, yeah? You’ll feel better in the morning,” Yeosang advised me and in that moment, I felt like I was the kid and he was the parent. Oh, how the tables have turned.

“When did you get so wise, huh?” I joked.

“I take it after you,” Yeosang smiled sweetly.

☠️☠️☠️

Yeosang’s POV

I couldn’t possibly kick Seonghwa out, not after what he’d been through. In a way, I related to the way he felt. After all, Soojin wasn’t anywhere to be seen, either. I couldn’t help but worry about her. Though I wasn’t a 100% sure of what Hongjoong had told Y/N that would drive the two mermaids away, I had a suspicion that was most likely correct. Naturally, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It wasn’t my secret to tell. But what I could do was be there for Seonghwa. Right now he needed a friend who wouldn’t betray his trust. And as much as I respected and cared for Hongjoong, I had a feeling he had done just that.

Seonghwa was sleeping uneasily, tossing and turning, obviously tormented by something. I wished I could make him open up and make his problems disappear just by listening to him talk about them. But after what I suspected he’d been through, I was fairly certain he’d a have a very difficult time ahead of him. I couldn’t do much but support him in my own silent way. It would have to be good enough.

Wondering about all these things, I couldn’t get any sleep. Which was somewhat fortunate, because if I had been asleep, I probably wouldn’t have heard Soojin calling my name in the middle of the night. I hurried out of my room, trying to be as quiet as possible, because I didn’t want to disturb Seonghwa’s already troublesome dreams.

“Soojin!” I whisper-yelled at her in the dark and jumped out of the ship, swimming towards her without thinking twice.

“Yeosang!” she greeted me happily and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I missed you so much!”

“What happened?” I asked her immediately, not wanting to waste any time in needless formalities.

“It’s so terrible. But I can’t tell you yet. It’s not my se-“

“Secret to tell,” I finished instead of her. “I understand.”

“All I can say is it involves Seonghwa’s past,” Soojin couldn’t refrain herself from sharing that piece of information.

“I figured as much,” I confessed. “You think Y/N will want to talk to him again?”

Soojin shook her head.

“I’ve been trying to convince her to hear him out for the past week. But I don’t know. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t.”

I nodded.

“Well, enough about them. I’m happy you came, I was worried sick.”

“I’m fine,” Soojin reassured me. “But I was terrified you’d think I left you on purpose or something.”

“Something was telling me that wasn’t the case, darling.”

It was too dark to see but Soojin’s warm face against my chest suggested to me that she was blushing. I smirked.

“I missed you, too, you know?”

“Of course you did, I’m awesome,” she giggled playfully and gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

“And humble, I see,” I teased her and stroked her hair.

Soojin laughed and if someone asked, I’d tell them that sound was my favourite song.

To be continued…

[gayenerd]

I have literally no source for this interview, but it’s one of my favorites because Billie seems to be really honest about his songwriting here - this is when Nimrod came out

The day I met Billie Joe Armstrong he flashed me his new tattoo, a Chuck-Jones-perfect cartoon character on his right bicep. Above it was some skull or Celtic armband or something, but below was the name "Joseph," exquisitely lettered, for his firstborn child. It's that image of him that I always keep in my head, and what I think of when I hear his band, Green Day: loopy humor and face-punch riffs and sincere sentiment I tight formation, worn as close to the skin as possible, covered in sweat. From the band's first records on the local Berkeley label Lookout, 39/Smooth and Kerplunk!, through the multi-million selling Warner Brothers releases Dookie, Insomniac, and now Nimrod, Armstrong has written dozens of perfect little punk-rock ditties that are probably the most sincere and playful acts of musical aggression since that first punk wave twenty years ago. 

But the songs are more than throwbacks. Armstrong writes from a very personal perspective, the perspective of someone born in the Me Decade, raised in the Me-vs.-You Decade, and trying to cope in the Yet-to-be-Stereotyped Decade. His songs are about the current crises of being alive right now, in a society that's used up and marketed all of its counter-cultures, and has little use for its youth except as consumers. The songs are also about how one reconciles anger and rebellion with love and desire to not be so down all the time. It's less political and more personal than its punk rock predecessors, an angry/crying/shouting/fucking definition of self.

 It made me wonder how you can take bile directed at you and turn it into a song that gets sold at the local Sam Goody. I figured I'd ask, so I called him up at his home in Berkeley. 

Q: Where do you start when writing a song? 

A: Most of the time I'll come up with a melody, and I'll do lyrics, but I'll tackle them at different times and not connect the two, you know? So I'll come up with the riffs, and the melody of the song, like a short ditty. I'll put some lyrics to it and bring it to band practice and then we'll just start to pound it out. And then, as things need to be restructured, sometimes Mike [Dirnt, bassist] will have an idea for something, or Tré [Cool, drummer] will have an idea for something, or sometimes we'll just leave it alone and it's sort of already done. 

Q: Have there been any particular songs that have stayed the same from the original inspiration to recording, or have they all gone through changes in the process? 

A: There's a lot of them that stay the same. "Redundant" really never changed, except we made it a little longer by adding another chorus at the end. And there's this song called "All The Time" that's pretty much exactly the way I had it.

 Q: So how much does a song change then, in producing the record? On Nimrod there are a lot of different arrangements: strings on "Good Riddance," horns on "King For A Day." Did you have the ragtime horns in mind when you were writing? 

A: No, not at all. I actually demo'd that song and played all the instruments myself and showed it to the band and they're like, "oh, that's pretty cool." We fucked around with it and practiced it a couple of times, but we never expected it to go onto the record. Then when we got to the studio, we said whatever, we'll just put it on there. It ended up being pretty good, but the song was just screaming for horns. We got Gabe [McNair] and Steve [Bradley] and it was so funny. They said, "what do you want us to play?" And I said, 'I'm sure you'll think of something.' And they looked at me like, "aw man!" So they basically wrote all the horn parts to that song. 

Q: What's more important, lyrics or the music? 

A: I think lyrics are really important, because there are songs that, musically, I don't think are the greatest in the world but lyrically are amazing. I mean, Johnny Rotten never had the greatest voice in the world but he wrote really good lyrics for the first Sex Pistols record, and that goes for a lot of people. But the thing is, a lot of people tend to -- especially in pop songs -- they tend to take the music and put something sappy to it, and it's just a one-dimensional emotion that the rest of the songs has to carry. I was actually thinking about that yesterday. I went to a friend's house, and they were joking around, putting on the Spice Girls records. And it was blatantly catchy, super catchy, but at the same time it really didn't say anything. You could only hold it at face value, there was no depth behind it, you really couldn't tell anything about the people singing it. But I guess there's a need for that. People want to hear songs that don't say anything, they want to go out to a dance club and shake their booty.

 Q: That's a good question, then: what makes a good song? Depth, a point of view...? 

A: I guess so. I don't know. I know what I like, personally. Like, yesterday I did my top ten favorite songs or something like that. 

Q: What's on there? 

A: Let's see. "Surrender" by Cheap Trick. "In My Life" by the Beatles. A song called "They'll Never Call It Quits" by a band called One Man Army. Generation X, "Kiss Me Deadly." "Outsider" by the Ramones. Hüsker Dü, "Makes No Sense At All." 

Q: How do you deal with writer's block?

 A: I write something else, just for fun. I'm just habitual about it. If I can't come up with the song...the great song that you want to write that will leave your mark forever or something cheesy like that, I'll write a polka number if I can't come up with something. 

Q: Do you put that kind of pressure on yourself? Do you say "this one's gonna be a statement?" 

A: Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'll think way. I just have a really strong work ethic. I have that sort of way about all my songs that, lyrically, every single one of them has to have some subliminal thing going for it. But most people don't really get what you're talking about until 10 years after the fact anyway. That seems to be how people respect songwriters through time. 

Q: Do you have a time of day or a place where you write? You say you have a work ethic, how does that manifest itself? 

A: Anytime, every time. The other night I was dead tired. All I wanted to do was fall asleep, and me and [my wife] Adrienne get in bed, and we're laying there. I was just dozing off a little bit, and all of the sudden this music was popping in my head, going over and over. And I was like, aw man, I have to go downstairs to put this on my guitar and just write it down. But I don't want to. I was so tired. So finally I got up and I go, 'goddammit! I have to get this done.' Otherwise I would forget it.

 Q: When you're writing, do you write with an album in mind or song by song? 

A: Song by song. I can't really conceptualize that far in advance. We knew we wanted to change and bring in new elements on the new record. But we really didn't know how to do it. So I wrote, constantly, all kinds of songs. Fifty or something. And you try to find some sort of natural progression within those songs, and try to capture that on the record. 

Q: So are the songs you write linked by your state of mind, or thematically? 

A: Sometimes if I'll get into a depression, writer's block, where I can't write, I get really bummed out and then I'm not working at all, I'm not doing anything. And then I'll deliberately get myself down to the lowest of the low that I could possibly get down to. And then a song will pop up. And I'll be happy, I'll get ecstatic for like the next month and then all of the sudden another one will pop up. 

Q: So you revel in the dark zone and it's useful. 

A: Yeah...sort of...I kind of...well...definitely. 

Q: But you don't necessarily choose to be there... 

A: Sometimes I'll cause problems just so I can get in touch with that emotional side or whatever, you know. Just to see if something will spark up, start a fight or something (laughs). 

Q: Can you name a song that has come out of something like that? 

A: Umm...a song called "Worry Rock." 

Q: Seems like a really personal song. 

A: Yeah. I think I got drunk and put my fist through a window. Adrienne called me an asshole or something like that and, I don't know. We just got into some meaningless fight like most couples get into, those fights that don't make any sense. A fight for the sake of fighting, which can be destructive to your relationship. That's how that song came about. 

Q: Are you okay with that kind of exposure that comes from investing your personal life and emotions in a song like that? Is your family okay with that? 

A: Yeah, I think so. I guess the only problem would be if, say, Adrienne doesn't have an outlet for herself. That's the kind of thing that I worry about. The things that she could say about me could be pretty horrifying. 

Q: In what way are you a different songwriter now than you were on 39/Smooth and Kerplunk? 

A: It goes in a way of, you know, what kind of person were you at sixteen, and what kind of person are you at twenty? It's almost like two different people in some aspects. I think that most of my stuff is based on infatuations with women. Some are just straight obsession. I mean, nowadays you could call me a stalker (laughs). The quest for that ultimate happiness with another person, which I think started to change, and it changed pretty dramatically with Kerplunk, because I started to talk about other things, like loss of innocence, going out on your own, moving out at the age of seventeen, being a high school dropout, living in west Oakland in a warehouse with fifteen people. Where the first record was more...mushy...the next one you could tell I was going through some pretty dramatic changes. 

Q: So Dookie comes out, and where are you there? 

A: I think I turned more bitter. I started to realize where my true friendships were, the politics of Berkeley were setting in, drug abuse was starting to fuck with me a little bit. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, but I couldn't really do it and that had a lot to do with drugs. I started to get a lot more bitter. Life wasn't how it was supposed to be when you're on your own. There's a couple of different songs on there...I mean, the psychoses that went into that record! Songs like "Basket Case" and "Coming Clean" were blatantly neurotic songs. 

Q: That's messed up: amazing success, and it's your bitterness you're being celebrated for. 

A: I don't know. It's funny because I feel that once you write a song, and then record it, and then release it, it doesn't necessarily belong to you anymore. I mean, you can hold that piece of work closer to you than anybody else can, and that was one of the big problems for a while. I felt so misunderstood all the time. Which goes with the territory, anyway, of writing songs. Because nobody really understands what the hell you're talking about. Other people have interpretations of whatever, figure out their own plot, make it fit to the soundtrack of their own lives. It messed with me a little bit, 'cause people didn't know where I came from, people didn't know where I came from, people didn't really know what I stood for. People calling us a throwback to 1977, I guess I got affected by that. Because punk rock is a lifestyle for me, and has nothing to do with 1977 or any particular band, but the relationship that you had with and the amount of work that you put into your local scene. And it gets completely misinterpreted as trying to make a buck. 

Q: It wasn't a fashion statement, it was a lifestyle. 

A: Yeah, a lot of people took it as a fashion statement, even to the point where I think a lot of people thought we were the '90s equivalent of Sha Na Na or something. Some of that's kind of funny, whatever. But now I sort of don't care. No one's gonna understand it anyway. The whole success or fame thing was so new to me at the time, it came so abruptly, and I was like, wow, this is too much. I didn't know all this baggage was connected to all this shit. I thought I'd just have the opportunity to play my songs for people. 

Q: Is that why the new album is as different as it is, because you're just doing what you want to do, you don't have to be what people thought you were, or even what you thought you were? 

A: I think so. That might have something to do with it. I think when you stop caring and worrying about what people think, even stop caring what you think of yourself to a certain extent, and just sort of do it, it's a release to push your past behind you. I think that's when the best stuff comes out. And, of course, when you're forging ahead really hard. I think this time our songs are much more than just things that you can listen to, but actually visualize at the same time. It's like this guy told me the other day, this friend of mine, he goes, you know I was listening to that song "Platypus," and I can totally imagine this big western stampede of horses and cows. And that, for me, is exactly what I was thinking. Not that I was thinking of a stampede, you know, but that kind of quality. 

Q: So you communicated an image and a feeling. 

A: Exactly. 

Q: Of any of your songs, do you have a favorite? 

A: Lately, I like "Walking Alone" and "Uptight" I've been into. My mind changes all the time.

 Q: Let's talk about one of those. What are the circumstances around a song like "Walking Alone?" 

A: I play in this side project band called Pinhead Gunpowder. This guy Aaron Elliot writes all the lyrics and a lot of the music. And he wrote this song called "I Walk Alone," which is about walking at night, the streets, being a street punk. And so I wrote...I don't know what you'd call it -- an alter ego song? -- called "Walking Alone." 

Q: An answer song? 

A: Yeah, cause we always work in that sort of way. I wrote a song called "She," so he wrote an article in his fanzine called "She." It's kind of funny, it's really good to bounce things off of each other. So "Walking Alone" and "I Walk Alone" were sort of the same thing. I think Tom Petty could play that song. It's got that harmonica and the big smashing snare sound on it. But it was the first time I ever played harmonica. I can't play harmonica at all. I had to teach myself how to play that. 

Q: Hey, you did great. 

A: Oh, thanks. We actually tried to get a studio musician to play it, but I think he was a little too hobo for us. 

Q: Smelled bad? 

A: Actually, he had almost too much soul for it. He was too good at what he did. And I wanted it to come across more loosely. Not as good, I guess. So I played it. 

Q: It's not a confident song, or a song about confidence. "Sometimes I need to apologize/sometimes I need to admit that I ain't right." 

A: It's sort of like sticking your foot in your mouth sometimes, and thinking out loud, but the lyric changes. It turns into talking about friends and how they change and your friends either become lawyers or the local town drunks. 

Q: Any advice for people writing who want to be hit songwriters? 

A: Oh God, I don't know. Don't take advice from anybody.