#man i don't think i've written much on here at all... that's depressing ;~;

[pyschedtrickster]

TADC Ep 2 - Depression and the Meaning of Life

Well, I may or may not be a day late to release of the episode, but I've watched it three times so far and I have some thoughts. Let's get the gritty stuff outta the way.

First of all, The Amazing Digital Circus belongs to @gooseworx and therefore everything I say here is just my personal take on the episode. I could be wrong, talking out my ass, etc. But this episode really spoke to me, so good job Goose.

Secondly, spoilers <3

Third, I think I've written enough that people won't get jumpscared with spoilers. This is gonna be a long read, so bear with me. This post will contain ALL my thoughts on the episode, both meaningful and just silly things I liked.

BUBBLE

So anyone who knows me from Bunnydoll Burrow knows I love Bubble. They're my favorite so far and this episode only cemented that further. They're wonderful comedic relief and even if they don't have any character development (which I don't think they will), I will always love them.

Caine Cares Too Much

While watching this, I was immediately off-put by Caine's reactions, even beginning with him calling Zooble back. He sounds so... dire? I don't know if that was intended to mean something or if it was just to put emphasis on how much Caine cares about his creations. Caine is AI, so world-building is likely his ONLY goal, or his prompt if you will. It wouldn't surprise me if that was why he was so upset by everyone's reactions.

But I can't help but wonder if this will play into his character arc. We understand that Caine is ambiguous right now and there's no real explanation of what his intentions are in the Circus. Something about this just really set me off. It made me feel unsafe in a way as if staying behind would result in danger of some kind. Obviously, it couldn't be that bad, as Zooble did stay behind and turned out fine. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this is foreshadowing.

Zoobie

Hilarious. What a solid nickname, I've seen so many headcanons that Zooble would be a stoner in the real world. This only makes it better. They are now Zoobie in my mind.

Pomni's Child Comment

While I'm sure this was just a silly comment to be made, I kinda liked it. Just a little in-show reminder that through all of this, Pomni is a real, grown-ass woman stuck inside some digital Hell. The whole first episode, we see her wallowing and panicking, justifiably so. Finally, we get to see her grow more serious and stable.

Through the episode, we see more of her being a good character and becoming more at terms with her situation. I'll touch on this more soon.

Gangle

My girl CANNOT catch a break. Gangle is such a funny character and so, so sweet. She's level-headed in my opinion, even through her emotions. She seems to have a good grip on the shit happening around her but has a hard time communicating properly because she has a lot of feelings going on. Me too, honey, me too.

Even in the face of violence, danger, and overall shitfuckery, she doesn't shut down. Sure, she cries. But I've cried plenty of times while still holding the fort down. I think I just relate to her.

Lastly, I NEED to know what this means like I need oxygen.

Government Mandated Shipping

I dunno man, I just really liked this. I'm a shipper at heart. I've been writing fanfic since middle school. I saw pure fanfic material when I watched this scene.

Kinger and Raggs

This scene made me smile. It's a cute nod towards how Kinger is the longest-standing character and, according to some lost post of Goose's, Ragatha is the second. Plus, all of episodes one and two, we see her trying so hard to be a rock for Pomni. She tries to include everyone, keep everyone cheerful, and be a stable constant in a realm of chaos; Seeing Kinger recognize how far she's come and using that to bring her back to reason was just so refreshing. Ragatha deserves more appreciation like that: less about what she does for others, and more about what she's done for herself.

Jax's Disappointment

So we don't know much about Jax besides how Goose loves him and says he's an asshole who may or may not be irredeemable. When he started talking about violence and getting excited at the thought, I chalked it up to him being an ass. But it struck me just how much this mattered to Jax in this scene. I have questions, man. But I'm about to go on a wild tangent, so hear me out.

Jax is happy when being destructive. He gets immediately upset when things go well. And in the circus, we can assume that there have been a lot of traumatic, wild things that have occurred. I wonder if the chaos, the violence, is a comfort for Jax because of those traumatic experiences. As a person with trauma, I've learned that there's a funny cycle that I and other traumatized people experience.

We don't like the situations we're in, but when faced with normalcy, it's so much scarier than the damaging situation we come from. So, we run from 'normal' back into the suffocating arms of our traumatizing situations for comfort. Going back to the situation means more trauma, more trauma means a harder time finding peace in a safe, normal environment, which means more trauma... you get the picture.

So am I saying a fictional purple bunny is using violence in a digital realm to cope with the very real topic of trauma? Maybe. Yes. Yes, I am. This is how I cope.

Depression, Finding Your Place, and the Bigger Picture

Now you may be saying, "hey! You skipped over some major scenes to talk about silly stuff! What gives?"

Well, as the title of this post suggests, I had some heavier stuff to address in this episode and wanted to compile it all in one section. So that meant skipping over a scene to bunch it in with other ones. I'll break it down.

Depression

Let me begin with the fact that I have been diagnosed with depression for years now. I've been hospitalized for it and I've had family members struggle with it around me. This heavily influenced how I viewed this episode and specifically this scene.

Gummigoo had a perfectly reasonable reaction to seeing the perfect replica of him that is his model. Seeing something like that would shatter your world, and we see that happen to him immediately.

But when Gummigoo talked to Pomni and asked why anything matters, it gave me this really familiar feeling. Thoughts of being nothing, of feeling meaningless, the mere idea of being an obstacle--I've experienced all of these. I'm sure others have. Pomni was right when she said it's normal. Everyone has felt down from time to time.

But what Gummigoo is talking about really hit home with my depression. Thoughts like these, especially when they linger for long, change how you view the world. Everything is tinted blue and desaturated. You feel empty and eventually, so does the world around you. You feel like when the party is over and everyone leaves, you disappear--or you think you should, at least.

"Why are you trying to cheer me up? How does this benefit you at all?"

And it's so, so hard to accept help when feeling like this. Depression is a bitch in the way that it wants you to stay depressed. It feels like everyone around you wants you to feel better because it is a convenience for them. It almost feels transactional if you smile.

But Pomni says it so beautifully; "I guess I just don't want you to feel like you're nothing. I don't want anybody to feel like that."

The way she says it makes me feel like she knows the feeling too, and in reality, she says she does understand in a way how Gummigoo feels. But that? That made it real for me. I don't know why. This whole scene, the entrapment and loneliness despite not actually being alone, just embodied how I've felt for years. What amazing writing.

Finding Your Place

This scene was really the cherry on top of everything I just spoke about. We see that these two understand each other, at least as much as they can. They recognize all of this, it's ridiculous. They're hurtling through space into the unknown, hoping everything works out. They may feel empty, but they're not alone. They've got each other, for better or worse. Maybe they don't know where they belong in this liminal space, but they know where they stand in each other's minds.

And then we get this ending scene. God. Fuck.

I knew that there was obviously something to that dream Pomni had in the beginning, but somehow I didn't expect this to be the conclusion to it. I guess I was too distracted by everything else. So when I got to this shot, I got all warm and teary-eyed.

Pomni finally feels like she's got a pack, a place in this digital circus. When you don't feel mentally alone anymore, there seems to be a weight that's lifted off your shoulders. It doesn't cure the sadness, but at least you know that if you need to be picked up, someone will be there. Depression wants you to be alone, but it just lost that battle. The internet has said it best: A win is a win.

The Bigger Picture

We all know where the end of the road is. How we get there is the mystery. This thought can really make a person feel small, especially when depression comes in to tell you that you in fact are small, according to the chemicals in your brain. But the power of numbers and knowing your place in the world makes facing the unknown a little easier.

I'll be honest, the words are kinda lost on me at this point. Our demise is a really hard topic to broach. I've lost a lot of people, especially some major players in my life (shoutout to the Dead Dads club), and still, I don't understand it all. But the best way I can explain it is through my own experience and how I applied it to this episode.

I had for a long time gone through life trying to prepare and prepare. I played the role of the strong, unaffected individual after being hardened by trauma in childhood. I didn't want to be outwardly emotional, because if I was I would have to admit defeat.

It made me feel weak, especially when my depression would whisper nasty things to me about my self-worth. The bigger picture at that time didn't even exist in my mind. I lived to serve and die. It was no way to live.

Only recently, with time, a couple grippy sock vacays and therapy have I started to form my own, new big picture. At the center of this is my interactions with others. Family, friends, and strangers, all of them are affected by my actions. Even during the days when I feel worthless or alone, I remind myself that even the little things I do have a spiderweb effect. I have worth, more so than serving others or being some obstacle. I can simply walk down the street and perhaps I'll be the person who some kid looks at and hopes to look like when they're older. My existence is so much more than just a give-and-take situation with everyone around me.

It felt like Pomni found her purpose in the circus, and it was more than just playing along until the end. Rather, it was to befriend the people around her who have proved in one way or another way that they care. Abstraction wasn't in vain to them. Lives mattered, and therefore so did Pomni.

In a vast, digital world where chaos looms like a grey cloud, Pomni always mattered. She just had to realize how, and it was much more than being an obstacle or a pawn. And so do we, I think.

[mikashida]

u seem like u have a lot of wolverine headcanons pls ... 🤲

you've enabled my rambling just know that you did this to yourself. I do also wanna quickly disclaimer I've not read many of the x men let alone wolverine comics so idk how much of this *is* canon or has been mentioned, I was raised by people who thought comics were evil and would "Turn Me Gay" so I only got to watch the movies because obviously movies can't turn you gay (they did)

most of these are kinda depressing the only funny one is the first one

for like General Headcanons that would apply to all variants i 10000% believe the gruff gravelly voice is fake and he just Does That intentionally. I'm not saying his voice isn't deep but the whole like "ruruuuhughgh. im trhe best at what i do but what i do best aint very nice hnrnrghh..." is overplayed. so when he gets nervous or caught off guard his voice raises like at least half an octave. to illustrate what I mean here's a cutscene from the origins game

I also think he tries to drink to slow his healing factor and not necessarily to get buzzed. this is pretty much canon in Logan, but even outside of that canon he's very often been shown to at Least be fascinated by the idea of being mortally wounded if not genuinely suicidal at times and i imagine drinking consistently kinda fucks with that. like let's say he's physically harmed while intoxicated i figure it would probably hurt more/heal slower than it would if he was sober if that makes sense.

to continue with that i think he's tried to kill himself a lot and not in the funny way that deadpool does (like when he shoots himself in the game to get out of a conversation with colossus lmfao) (not saying that deadpool hasnt Genuinely tried to either though) probably doesn't bother anymore but imagine being like fuckin 20 years old and you cant die and you have So Much ptsd and no way to deal with it because its the fucking 1800s

i generally think his ptsd affects him a lot more than the movies and comics let on, which I understand because it's not easy to write when you don't have experience with it. I think it was written really well in deadpool and wolverine though, I am very tired of the perfect victim trope and I like that this logan is actually. kind of a horrible person (I have more headcanons about that but I will stop with this one). he failed his world and that made him the man that saved the universe, but that doesn't cancel out his wrongdoings, and now that he has people in his life again he has a responsibility to do better for those around him

tldr wolverine has issues and i want to make them worse

[sibillascribbles08]

Man I've written 26 fics for rise, that's insane, anyway here's a master post, sort of? I realized some people either A) may not know how many different fics I've written or B) not realized "oh he wrote that" sooo

One Shots

Don't You Care? – Donnie and Leo centric, post-movie. Donnie isn't always great with feelings, and when he fails to understand Leo's, he tries to find a way to fix it. Doing so forces him to unpack some of his own thoughts on their victory over the kraang as well.

To Bridge a Canyon of your Own Design – Splinter centric, post-movie, a bit of a retrospective on his relationship with his sons, his depression, and him trying to move away from his unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I Didn't Vote for You – Leo's the leader now, and Donnie always finds ways to argue with him about it. Leo wants to find out why Donnie has such a problem with how he's trying to lead the team, but it turns out that isn't the problem. It's simply the fact that Leo's the leader at all.

I'd Give Anything – Donnie-centric. A slightly alternate take on the movie's ending where instead of just firing a drill into the portal, Donnie jumped in, and ends up losing an arm in the process. But he has to kind of piece all of that together as he recovers in the med bay, talking to each of his family members.

Grappling With Things Beyond Your Control – Gift fic for my friend Bat! Donnie-centric, post season 2. Suddenly getting ninpo with no prior training causes Donnie's powers to start to run amok, and on top of that he has to help his family not only find a new home but move into one. It's a lot to balance, maybe too much to balance.

Four Turtles in your Corner (Store) – A silly fic about April being out of supplies for her period, and in desperation sends the boys to go get her some. I'm sure four reptilian mutants have competent knowledge on what humans need for things like this.

Now Lie In It – Big Bang fic! Takes place during season 2. Leo won't sleep, and ends up getting on Donnie's nerves. The softshell's solution to the problem is a simple sleep potion, but when he pours too much into Leo's tea his brother won't wake up. Time to force April and Draxum to go find an antidote while he hides his mistake from the rest of his family. (it sounds angsty but it's comedic, actually)

What Will You Leave Behind – Big Bang fic! Doomed timeline, Raph centric. Raph is the first of his siblings to die during the war. And while he does everything he can to be their ever present pillar as they eventually follow after, he can't help but loathe the fact that the ones still down there are suffering and he can't do anything to help.

My Words Died With You – Gift fic for Bat! Doomed timeline, Donnie centric. Donnie quit speaking when Raphael died, months later he still isn't. His family tries to help him cope with this, even Raphael does from the afterlife, but it may not be enough.

VHHB series

(These are all post-movie)

My Roommate the Troubled Time Traveler – Casey and Draxum centric. Casey Jones Jr. isn't coping too great with being in the present, and trying to live in the lair isn't helping. So Mikey has the GREAT idea to convince Draxum to let Casey be his roommate. The alchemist thinks this is a terrible idea, but he might be able to help the kid far more than he realizes.

Violet Hues and Holly Blue – Donnie centric. 8 months after the kraang invasion and Donnie's been the reigning champ in the Battle Nexus for a while, in his attempts to improve his mystic abilities. But this draws the attention of a business focused wasp named Holly Blue who offers to help sell his tech designs in the Hidden City. Donnie ends up agreeing, having to keep that secret from his family too, but eventually they're going to find out. (This is only a partial summary haha sorry, fic is heckin long)

Missing Pages – Just some VHHB extras, but hey it features Big Mama being herself, Lou Jitsu maiming some people, Donnie dealing with past blood on his hands and uuuuh Leo and Holly becoming friends (what a mood whiplash)

You Are Loved – Two-shot fic about the Caseys (of the Senior and Junior variety). Casey Jr. wants to know why his ninpo sprung up so suddenly, and in his search to find out discovers his family is much closer than he realizes. Meanwhile Cassandra is struggling with her place among the Hamatos, it doesn't help when she finds out they're keeping a pretty big secret from her. Hopefully they can make it up to her.

The Sun and Icarus – Mikey-centric. He's been doing pretty good at developing his mystic abilities lately, but now they're starting to explode, pretty violently. And it turns out if this keeps up the whole ordeal could just kill him. Better find a way to put a cap on it, or something to that effect. (Wow more power overloading fics from ME)

Girls' Night – April centric one shot, also April/Sunita. She's just trying to have a fun night out with the girls, inviting Holly Blue along for the ride, but maybe that was a mistake because in her attempts to playfully tease the wasp, she's suddenly forced to confront her own crush.

And For my Next Trick – Leo-centric one shot. Leo's getting frustrated with his lack of progress on his mystic powers, and with Hueso's advice decides to shift his focus to a different kind of magic, stage magic. With Hueso Jr.'s help, he plans to put on an entire show, which should be fine if some other magician doesn't show up to steal the show.

Look Up Hero in the Dictionary – Raph centric. Raph's feeling a bit too idle in the city lately, with only minor crimes going on, but in his wish for something exciting a strange explosion happens at an apartment building. He attempts to help everyone escape, but a yokai holding the building together stays behind, and on top of that charges Raph with the task to take care of her child. Have fun taking care of a powerful psychic seven-year old, Raph.

What You're Made Of - Casey Jr. centric. Casey is getting frustrated with discovering weird things about his body like skin problems and peanut allergies. Draxum suggests he find out who his other parent is to get an idea of his genetic history, but when he finds out who it is, he's kind of ticked off that his family never told him. (this is a bio dad Raph fic for the record).

Off Colors AU (Separated AU)

Off Colors: Contrasts - Covers season 1. Leonardo's spent most of his life believing he's an only child because his little brother was kidnapped when they were only toddlers. But a rescue mission to the Hidden City with his best friend April results in him finding out he actually has three siblings. And in the span of a couple of weeks he finds out all of them are alive and, unfortunately, working for bad guys. He's going to try everything he can to stop them and convince them to come home, but it may be a fools errand.

Other Chaptered Fics

An Alien Invasion Happened but That's Not Really What This is About - Long ass title. Jason-centric. Hi I wrote a novella sized fic about what happens to this kid during and after the events of the movie. Watch him attempt badly to cope with trauma while also fixing his relationship with his very queer dad who loves him a lot.

Artificial Phoenix – Lou Jitsu died in the arena but then Big Mama said no no no! So Draxum brings him back to life while mutating four turtles so Lou Jitsu said NO NO NO! And he took them and ran. Alternate take on the events of the show, where Splinter is undead and unmutated, and unfortunately does not keep his soul in his body the entire time, leaving his sons grieving and desperate to get him back.

Jasonnie things

Not Part of the Plan – Donnie centric. Despite knowing time travel exists, Donnie is still surprised to find his future self in his lab. But his excitement at the possibilities is swiftly crushed as his future self has an easy time embarrassing him. He hopes he can at least gather some useful information in the process, but he slowly begins to wonder if he even wants answers to all these questions.

You Have to Let Him Go – Donnie centric also sad as hell. I literally just wanted to write about how Donnie's husband hecking dies. Read this if you want to be miserable. (or if you hate Jase I guess ??? alskdjf man got char grilled (I have to make jokes to keep myself from being upset shh))

I'll Put the Knife in Your Hand – Well, now that Donnie heard about his possible future husband, he's determined to at least get to know the guy. Unfortunately his family is far more cautious about this than he seems to be. AKA Four times Donnie's family believes Jase is planning to stab him in the back, and the one time he actually does.

ERR_FILE_NOT_FOUND - Donnie is messing around with his mind machine again, and in the process ends up erasing part of his memory. Specifically the memories about Jase, and Jase is barely handling this well. Good thing Donnie's brothers who totally and absolutely are on good terms with Jase are there to help. Maybe.

Dual Dragons - Collab fic with @there-wolf ! A fic in which our versions of Jason end up encountering each other and even switching universes temporarily, giving them a window into how their life could be different (for better or worse).

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 4/30/2024

most annoying book i've read so far this year under the jump

listening

a lovely polyrhythmic instrumental piece with previously-featured tuesdaysong artist, terrifying master of the cello, abel selaocoe. this is very textured and kind of scrubs at the inside of my skull in a pleasing way. like the kind of back scrubber you can buy with a bamboo handle and the long soft bristles. popped up on my recent releases playlist from spotify.

-

reading

really fucking pissed about this book and i am not able to be reasonable about it. i was really thrown, much like the fantasy prince's mother from her carriage as she was being chased by regency gossip reporters, that this was a prince harry/meghan markle RPF AU. i am a bit uncomfy about the fact that our female lead, the fantasy AU meghan markle, is some flavor of fantasy Gaelic instead of fantasy mixed-race. now, i have no particular moral or physical beef with RPF but i don't typically seek it out. but/also/and, much like works about marilyn monroe, i think works with the specter of princess diana are in poor taste. can we leave these women alone maybe

i got about halfway through the book before this revelation and didn't really feel like it succeeded at much of anything it was trying to do. oddly informal and choppy, like it was originally intended as a contemporary romance with some urban magic and changed to regency in a late draft. this is combined with some fairly weak prose: more simple sentence structure than i would expect in a book for young adults, far too many proper nouns, and a lack of interest in showing not telling.

i straight up don't understand why the leads are attracted to each other if she keeps making very public mistakes and he's a rude cunt. i have read other books (most recently the t kingfisher books) where someone grows to love a very gruff or taciturn man, but it takes time and mutual trust and an effort on both sides, none of which happen here. the core conflict is duty to family in all its various forms vs the heart wants what the heart wants. the conflict is not much of a conflict, though, because characters come to realizations within three sentences of confronting them and then vocalize them with therapyspeak. someone literally pats someone else's hand and goes, "It's hard, I know." the author mercifully did not describe the sad little pursed sympathy mouth but i'm sure it was there.

i'm also deeply annoyed with how this author chose to go about characterization. while the character concepts are people i would love to meet in a ttrpg, it feels very concerned about Good Representation and it makes everyone feel very wooden. i think when you put together characters from a list of various oppressions and disabilities it starts feeling like a grownup version of a children’s ensemble show meant to sell little blind box figurines. here is the Chronically Ill one, and her color is pink! here is the Addicted one, and his color is green! here is the Goth and Depressed one, and her color is black with some bones! here is the Gay one who was once badly hurt by the Addicted one, and we don’t care enough about him to give him a color! here is the superficially fantasy-Jewish one, and we don’t care enough about her to give her a color or an action figure either!

while normally i would love to read a book with two! TWO! canonically bisexual leads of different genders! this book is written for the "folx" spectrum of gays instead of the "fags" part of the spectrum and it strays very close to a modern morality tale for me.

this popped up on a list of books with bi leads i think, but if it was here or on libby i cannot remember.

anyway! fucking hated this one.

pleasantly surprised these came in back to back off my holds lists, bc they are about the perfumer Grace and Grace's former landlord, the spy Marguerite. my favorite of these Saint of Steel series is still the one with the werebear nun. i have nothing to complain about these books and not much to say about them either. they were such a delightful and competent change of pace after the annoyance of the previously discussed book.

oh i loved these. oh i LOOOOOOVED these. how the fuck does novik do it. she is so good at capturing the very specific feel of a grandpa military historical novel. except with dragons. i love these in the same way i know i will love the patrick o'brien books if i ever get around to reading them. i was a navy brat and unfortunately this is fucking catnip to me. truly i have inherited all my father's tastes

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watching

largely fallow week. i don't have anything particularly great to say about The Bad Batch, but when have i ever. have not caught up with dunmeishi bc my siblings have once again inadvertently locked me out of the netflix account i pay for. considering a vpn for many reasons but watching netflix and watching porn (the state of texas does not want me or anyone else to watch porn within her borders) are the two big reasons for. idk. cashing out the paltry cash-back credit card rewards and coughing them up for a vpn. vpn opinions welcomed, i know most of them are straight garbage

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playing

i straight up ran out of money in genshin, which is pretty hard to do since they're pretty generous with it? i have spent several million in-game currency on leveling up neuvilette (i am so so so happy to not have to collect any fucking starfish mats for him anymore [mats are different materials you have to collect or buy in-game in order to level up a character. very grindy most of the time]). anyway i am now scrabbling around for the last couple chests and puzzles i marked on my map in fontaine. i haven't bothered with grinding for his specific boosting artifacts or leveling up his talents all the way yet but this is really not shabby. i have the bad habit of completely levelling up all my 5-stars and then ignoring them until i need them for a specific fight or a specific level of the monthly..battle royale puzzle? i don't really know how to describe the abyss. anyway when i do eventually need his pretty intense water AOE attacks i will frantically grind for his talent mats. right now we're grinding for other things thanks

this latest update contains both the best and worst new areas so far. the underwater lost city of Remuria is a fuckin banger. gorgeous. incredible puzzles. very fun music-based quest line with new abilities and giant whale. however, im kind of disappointed by the new coastline area in the map: there is pretty much nothing there. almost no interactable plants to harvest, very few enemies, almost no chests. i get that they are focusing their time and attention on the new underwater area everyone will be focusing on (killer, btw, super dense and great use of vertical space). very lore-heavy expansion, sort of what if atlantis was a bit roman-inspired and also. hold on. wait a second.

sorry this has just occurred to me at 10:21 PM on Monday night as im drafting this but oh my god are the fucking fontanians the Sea Peoples of the bronze age collapse. this is hysterically funny lore if true. im going to have to go back and reread a lot of the environmental storytelling notes but oh my GOD that's extremely funny if true. genshin has some of the most batshit lore of any game ive ever played and im so sad that so few game journos are focusing on it.

where was i. leveling up characters in legally-not-france who may or may not be descendants of the sea peoples. i often find myself leveling up characters in genshin not based on how useful they are to the party but by how fun the bosses i need to fight for their mats are? for example: neuvilette is a water-based AOE character with not a lot of on-field time. however this big electric seahorse, whose antlers i need to level him up, is really fun to fight and i can knock it out in about thirty seconds.

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making

my sister's birthday is tomorrow! my birthday package to her was kind of heavy on stupid little trinkets and art books and not very much like. homemade? so i cranked out a little sampler. it's framed i promise i simply forgot to take a picture of it framed. about 3"x3", slightly adapted from a piece in Julie Jackson's Subversive Cross Stitch. i do think the F and C turned out way better (or at least the backstitching stands out way more) but hey. sometimes you need to hastily stitch a gift with the limited colors you have on hand

[polarisbibliotheque]

Hii!! so i just want to say first that i love love the way you write dmc fanfics. The way you just understand them, makes all their action seem like something they'd do. And well, if it doesn't bother you, may I ask a few advices on how to write Vergil, young and current? I'm trying to write a story and I think your input would be very helpful since you're probably the most accurate Vergil writer there is. Thank you andI just want to say that your fics helped me out a lot mentally. Thank you for bringing the characters to life 🫶

You just left me floored, loved to death, giggling like a 7 year old in public, and I thank you wholeheartedly for that 🖤🖤

First of all, thank you SO much for your words - and wow, I am absurdly flattered that you think so highly of me as a writer, really! I mean, I'm just writing my crazy shenanigans here, I don't expect much hahahaha words like yours make my day and, honestly, you made my whole week!

I am SO happy what I write helped you mentally. I do write to help myself in that regard too, and seeing I was able to have an impact on someone else, it makes everything worth it. That's what Dante would have wanted :')

Asking me for advice doesn't bother me AT ALL! Feel free to ask anytime you want it - by all means I see myself as someone so good as to give advice, but I've gained some experience and it's always good to share! Maybe I'll say something that makes sense to you!

So, without further ado, a few advices on writing Vergil - young and current - down the cut 'cause I haven't written it yet, but knowing myself, I know it's gonna be big :)

(spoiler: it's huge *puts on fool hat and jingles away*)

I sprinkled some things here and there about Dante and Vergil on this blog, but I think it'll be nice putting it all together in one place!

I recently got an ask about which MBTI personality I think it's Dante and Vergil, and there's a LOT on BOTH of their characters in there. You can find it here.

(I won't repeat the things I wrote there, 'cause oh boy this one's got bigger than I expected)

But oh, Verge, this little emotionally constipated goth man *sighs* he's Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. I'm not even joking.

But all of that aside, I do keep a few things in mind when writing him. I've said before I have many similar personality traits with him and I think it makes it easier for me to write this little bitch (affectionate).

Vergil is pretty much shaped by his trauma. You could argue Dante is as well, but differently from his twin brother, Vergil never really found acceptance. Yes, the twins lived through the same thing but the fact that Eva managed to save Dante and not Vergil is crucial to both characters.

Dante has survivor's guilt and depression from all that happened. He can't keep a deep connection to save his life, 'cause he keeps everyone at bay - he thinks his demonic blood is a curse and he is the reason everyone perishes. So it's best if people keep away from him.

But even with that, Dante loves being around people. It's what makes him so fond of his human part and, in my opinion, it's what made Dante healthier than Vergil. He seeks connection and humanity, he wants to use his strength to protect the weak - like Eva once used hers and sacrificed herself to protect and save him. That is crucial to Dante's character.

Vergil, in the other hand, believed for a LONG time he was left for dead. That his mother chose to save his brother because she loved Dante more and Vergil was left to die. He was left all alone in the cold, in a cemetery filled with demons who slaughtered him in quite a gruesome manner. If he hadn't find the rage, strength and power inside of himself that day, he wouldn't have survived.

Vergil learned he is on his own, his own family didn't love him (even if he was wrong, that's the impression he had for a LONG time) and the only one he could count on was himself. That made him withdraw completely: be wary of people and their intentions, shut himself to the world, allow only strength and power to come through his personality and keep his vulnerabilities and feelings shut down in the darkest and most protected place of himself because if he didn't, that could be his death.

Vergil didn't learn to protect the weak, because he wasn't protected when he was weak. He learned to survive, because when he needed the most, no one was there and his own will was the only thing that could save him. If he had given up, he would've died - no one would come, no knight in shiny armor, no powerful protecting demon, no sacrificing loving human mother.

✨That's why he's an asshole✨

Hahahaha jokes aside, that's why he's so laser focused on power, I think. When he was younger (around DMC 3), he finds Dante again and there's a hatred for his brother because he believed he was left to die and wasn't loved as much as Dante (as always, our red devil being a clueless himbo who just got lucky to be around Eva, poor guy). He wants to prove he is better than Dante, that he was worth something, that he too was worth saving - even more than his brother.

To some extent, up until that moment in DMC 3, Vergil is better than Dante (regarding power). He's got a lot of knowledge and control over his demonic heritage, things Dante didn't even know he could do. But Vergil is so blinded by his hurt and in so much pain he can only deem himself worthy if he beats Dante down, if he wins, if he gets all the power in the world.

I don't think he ever wanted to kill Dante - he just wanted to win. Like a kid, going "see, mom, dad, I win, I'm worth as much as Dante!!" - quite tragic, really.

With his power thing, it's not a desire for power for it's own sake, but as an armor. Given everything that happened to him, that Vergil has this thing of "only I can protect myself and I can count only on myself to save my life", it's very understandable that his logic takes him to the path of "if I am the most powerful being in this world, I will never bleed and I will never hurt again".

So, even if he says on the outside he is power hungry because he wants to honor his demonic heritage and humans are weak, on the inside it's actually that he's trying to carve his heart out from himself so he won't feel nothing and stop hurting - as well as gain all the power he can so NO ONE can make him feel scared, vulnerable, weak and powerless like he did that night when no one appeared to help him.

Vergil hides his pain under a mask of cruelty and hubris - since being honest means being vulnerable to him and that is something he's got a deep aversion to.

Current Verge has dragged himself out of Hell in a crumbling body. If Dante hadn't "killed" him as Nelo Angelo, he probably would've never been free of his shackles with Mundus, but once again he was left for dead (even if not intentionally, I know Dante would have gone through all the layers of Hell to bring his brother back, but VERGIL doesn't know that). Once again, Vergil had to muster all his will, his power, his demonic heritage to drag himself out of that godforsaken place.

He didn't know Nero was his son, he just took Yamato back 'cause he didn't really had time to explain everything that was going on. Vergil was on the brink of death, it's not like he could think logically about everything he was doing and weight pros and cons. He needed to survive. That's what he does.

It's only when he separated his human and demon parts that he came to realize a bunch of things - because Vergil never really had time to do anything else other than surviving; and thinking too much, going over your feelings and past trauma, doesn't do anything good when you're stuck in survival mode (been there, done that).

After he gets both of his parts together and goes back to being Vergil, he knows a lot more than he did before, because V allowed his heart to feel and to process all that pain he didn't allow himself to process before - because if he did, he would probably break, like V himself was falling to pieces.

He knows his mother loved him. He knows it wasn't Dante's fault. He knows it was all a tragedy and no one is to blame - he knows he wasn't left there to die: Eva died trying to get to him. It honestly changes everything he's been thinking for the past 40 (if I'm not wrong...?) years.

That's why he wonders, if he was in Dante's place all those years ago, would that change something? And honestly, it probably would. Because everything Vergil did was from a wound he couldn't bring himself to heal from that fateful night.

Therefore, current Vergil is a lot more accepting to his feelings - but internally only, he won't let it show. He also understands his thing of wanting to surpass Dante wasn't his brother's fault and it's something he has to work on.

Not saying he won't be a little bitch sparring with Dante all the time and keeping score over stupid stuff, because that's EXACTLY how these two function - but now Vergil is fueled by healthy sibling rivalry and fun instead of inferiority complex and pain/hatred.

Vergil's path is a lot similar to Anakin from Star Wars: fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to the Dark Side of the Force. If the Jedi Council had understood Anakin's upbringing as a slave, his deep love for his mother - and for all the beings on the Universe, I argue, because he did want to become a Jedi to free all slaves - his overflowing empathy, his deep feelings, his love for Padmé, etc., Anakin wouldn't find himself vulnerable to the grooming of an older man who saw all this and took the opportunity to twist it all to make him feel pain, fear, anger and hate.

If Qui-Gon Jin had trained Anakin he would've never turned to the Dark Side, I will DIE on this hill and fight EVERYONE, even if I love Obi-Wan

Star Wars ramblings aside, that's Vergil in a nutshell. And I think with him older, currently, he can finally see all of that, because he had a chance to be just demonic, as Urizen, and just human, as V - noticing how everything that happened to him shaped him to feel pain, fear, anger and hate, doing desperate things to protect himself and feel safe.

I argue Vergil hasn't felt safe for a single day in his whole lifetime, and that matters. Because in the end, that's how I write him: a wounded stray dog who knows only pain and hatred from the outside world.

If you try to approach him, he'll first bare his teeth, bark and try to bite you - not because he's mean, but because he's stuck in survival mode and that's his first response to ANYTHING. Just like a wounded stray, you have to approach carefully, offer kindness and show him you're not there to hurt him.

And just like a stray dog, he'll eventually melt and accept that kindness - he just has NO IDEA how that feels like.

✨What about Nero's mother, I hear you ask?✨

Hahahaha so that one I have some doubts myself. I often imagine two scenarios and I still haven't chose one of them to satisfy my heart HAHAHAHA

That might be me projecting, of course, but because of ALL THAT, I don't see Vergil as being open to relationships and one night stands - he takes things too seriously, and that's part of his character.

He either decided to try it out empirically with a one night stand with someone who was kind to him and he wanted to understand that kind of experience to understand himself better and out of curiosity (look, I know this sounds crazy, but that's exactly what I did on my first kiss with a super random guy at a party and I was like "oh, well, that's not for me, I'm gonna stick to kissing people I love, this sucks" and it took a weight off my shoulders)

oooooor he was treated with kindness for the first time in his life and that broke him for a while, he melted under a soft touch and gentle words and couldn't resist trying out new experiences he only had by proxy from his books - and when he woke up next morning, he was reminded how broken he is, how powerless, how not worthy of love not even from his own mother, and left because that would lead to nowhere. Because of him. Because he wasn't worth it - she probably fell for his looks, his heritage, his outside, but when she knew his inside she would run in horror.

Again, Vergil has a lot of issues, the poor man.

When I'm writing Nemesis, we have young Vergil - laser focused on power, proud as fuck, stepping over anything and everything to get what he wants, because life favors the ones who survive. The weak ones should die, that's the law of the jungle and he won't waste his time saving those who can't do it for themselves like he did for himself. When he sees the reader struggling to keep fighting him to protect others, he sees not only Eva, but himself in a will of a survivor who will go through excruciating pain to save themselves. He values that and admires that - admiring the reader as an enemy and having utmost respect.

When he's older, he's trying. And he has a LOT to learn - but his partner has to understand he's the stray dog who knows nothing but harshness. Vergil is quiet, methodical and disciplined, knowing how to live only with himself as company. But now he has a family: he has his brother back, he has a son, he has the whole crew to live alongside him. That's new, harrowing and comforting at the same time.

So, when in doubt, think about how a wounded animal would react - and how you would have to act to be able to approach and help.

Vergil, differently from Dante, is forever stuck in survival mode and has forsaken his humanity so he could keep going. As a younger man, he's ruthless and won't spare efforts to get what he wants because he is desperately trying to not feel vulnerable and worthless as he usually feels. As an older man, he's trying - in his own stupid Mr. Darcy way - to recover, to understand himself better and finally heal that horrible wound in his heart.

But of course. He is still proud, observing, regal and prone to overkill here and there and showing off his skills. These are all inherent to his personality.

(Also. Vergil enjoys some dumb fun sometimes - he only lets it show a tiny little bit when competing with Dante over ANYTHING. If Dante says he can eat a cheeseburger in three bites, Vergil will go above and beyond to eat it in two. Everyone thinks he's just being stupidly competitive with Dante and wants to win against his brother no matter what, but that's just his way of being fun)

Phew! That's quite a lot on the blue devil! Hahaha it isn't everything I keep in mind - of course there are the other things like him being reserved, more on the quiet side, intellectual, methodical, a lover of beauty (like literature, philosophy, poems, etc.), stupidly independent... But I think those traits are more "worldwide" known.

If you take all his trauma and how it affected him into consideration, I think, his personality follows easily. You understand a lot better how he would react in certain situations - in the end, that's what being a writer is all about: creating characters and watching how all of them react to situations given their backgrounds and baggage!

I'm so sorry it's such a HUGE answer, but I do hope it helps. There's a lot to unpack and I didn't want to just "oi, he's a traumatized asshole, that's it" - because you miss the nuances if you just work with that perspective.

Thanks a lot for asking, though, I had fun writing this little essay on Vergil, the man, the myth, the legend HAHAHAHAHAHA

Hope you have a nice weekend and have fun writing!! If you need any advice, even on writing in general, you can always ask me again! As you can see, I'm happy to help and I do love sharing what I know xD

[river13245]

Look at me - Derek Morgan

Navigation / Criminal Minds Masterlist

Pairing: Derek Morgan and FTM reader

Warnings: Dysphoria, Derek being in love, Sad thoughts, Depression or sadness

Authors Note: This was completely written as a way to get my own feelings out. To anyone who is feeling like this you are not alone. and even on those bad days just talk to someone or do a self care day ILY

When you went to bed you hadn't planned on having this type of day. You were planning on getting up in the morning and have a great day off from work, your boyfriend was even coming to visit you.

However when you woke up that morning and felt the small pressure on your chest that has been their your whole life it seemed to bother you more than it did yesterday. As you sat up you felt them, you had went to bed without a shirt on or nothing on because you liked to let your upper body be free, but when you looked down you really wished you hadn't.

Some days are rough while others are not. Some days you don't think about it as much as others because your too focused on your job. Where as there are others where its a big thought in your brain, especially when you don't fit into things most men do.

The fact is, is that you had the female anatomy. Its not something that you think is disgusting or gross its just something that you wish you hadn't had. Having breasts was one of the few things that caused you extreme dysphoria as a trans male. You usually pushed those thoughts away but it seemed to be something you couldn't shake today.

When you get up from your bed you walk over to your closet and pick out a baggy t-shirt. The one that you picked was one of your boyfriends old shirts that he had left here one night when he stayed over. As you throw that on you happen to look in the body mirror you had hanging up. Seeing the way your body was made you close your eyes and turn away.

Instead of going and making breakfast like you had planned on doing last night you ended up going straight to your bed and wrapping the covers on top of you and closing your eyes.

It had only felt as if you were asleep for a few minutes until you heard your boyfriends voice through your apartment. "Hi Handsome where you at. I've brought breakfast for us." Tears formed in your eyes because you felt ashamed at who you were. How your body was. What if he looks at you and notices all your flaws just like you do today and its the day he decides he doesn't want a guy like you.

How can the same person that had asked you out, kissed your tears away and even managed to stick around after meeting your family. Also be the same man that you were too afraid of seeing right now. He had never once said anything about your figure or said anything negative about you or any of his friends. You knew it was irrational to think like this but today just wasn't a good day.

"y/n?" His voice had gotten closer until you hear the door open. Covering your face up with the blanket as he walked closer to you. "what's wrong?" he asks as he pulls down the blanket just enough to see your face. When he notices the tears in your eyes he places a kiss on your forehead before he asks again.

Closing your eyes you speak, unable to look him in the eyes. "me..im what's wrong." He looks at you "what's that supposed to mean?" You sometimes wish he could feel how you feel. just to understand what you go through. "what don't you understand. Look at me!" your sitting up now and looking at your boyfriend in front of you who is looking at you with a confused look on his expression.

He takes your hands in his and looks at you trying to calm you down. "all i see is my boyfriend looking back at me with tears in his eyes" God you wanted to crawl out of your skin, you were usually easy to calm down but not today. Today was a really bad day and he's never been with you on these days.

You get up out of bed and walk away from his pacing your room before standing in front of your body length mirror once again. Your hands move to your stomach as you close your eyes. A sigh leaves your lips before turning around and looking at Derek who is sitting on your bed.

He knows about you being trans and he has been a huge supporter. Maybe he wasn't an expert on it when you guys got together but he was always supportive of things like that. He has helped you in so many ways. So rationally you knew he loved you regardless but this side of you that was pessimistic was awful.

As you stood there probably looking like a crazy person he was looking at with such love that it was heartbreaking. "You aren't looking at me though. You see what I want you to see...I've never let you see me without a shirt on"

Your voice breaks as you wipe your tears from your face "Boyfriends are supposed to be able to do that. I want you to see a glimpse of how I see myself" Your hands go to the bottom of your shirt and you pull it up and off of you, then your arms cover you a bit out of instinct.

Derek who had walked up to you as you had been talking places his hands on your arms. "can I move these?" he asks and when you nod he moves them to your sides. He doesn't touch them instead he acknowledges them and places his hands on each side of your face making you look up at him. "you want to know exactly what I see?"

You respond with a quiet "what?" there is a kiss placed on your lips before his voice fills the room. "I still see my boyfriend, my very handsome boyfriend actually. Who is extremely intelligent, and helps out at work every day and does such a great job. Someone that will talk during a movie or gasp at certain scenes, and then without a doubt be the one saying all the behind the scenes stuff we missed out on"

He pauses and kisses you again "A man who i just happen to love wholeheartedly and would do anything for. A man who I truly believe to be perfect even on days when he thinks he is less than that. Having breasts don't make you less of a man, i understand how it could feel that way but its who you are. You are a man and you will always be one and it will never make me feel less for you or make me see you any differently than yesterday"

Tears were running down your face as he spoke and the only response you could give was you throwing your arms around him and kissing him. His hands go to your waist and kisses you back.

When you finally pull away for air he laughs and kisses your lips once again. "if you are feeling up for it would you like to watch a movie and eat?" You take his hand in yours and walk to the living room with him "I would love too"

-----

The rest of the night is spent feeding each other and laughing at jokes one of you told even as the movie plays. You two were curled up with each other under a blanket as the movie ends. And without a doubt you told him a few facts about things that happened behind the scenes and some other cute facts that he hadn't known yet.

[queer-ragnelle]

Hi there! Is there a retelling where Lot is a good, well-written character? So far I've seen he's usually portrayed as a full-blown villain or at least a complete jerk, and it makes me sad because I think that he is much more complex in the Vulgate and Le Morte (and also at the beginning in Les enfances Gauvain, 10/10)

Hello!

I'm a King Lot enjoyer and apologist, I got you. Good Lot is so hard to find. Actually the best Lot is trapped in a mediocre book, The Winter Knight by Jes Battis. He’s a single dad working constantly to support Gawain. It’s so cute. Sleepy depressed dad ily. But it's a reincarnation urban fantasy drowning in "quirky" modern references that really killed the vibes for me. Canadian Lot ain't cutting it. :^/

For a more medlit-abiding story, I like Lot in Bedivere by Wayne Wise particularly because even though Gawain (and eventually Agravaine) bend the knee to Arthur against his wishes, Lot is kinda proud of them for having conviction it was sweet. He was like "Noooo don't be your own men haha ;^)" And then he just....let's them do what they wanted without giving them shit for it. Refreshingly normal parent. He didn't fight [much] with Arthur either he's like, "Alright whatever me and my hot wife are going back north to the babies bye."

Lot and Morgause are both kinda funny in The Story of Sir Launcelot and His Companions by Howard Pyle just because Gareth is their favorite and they spoil him lol It actually made for a compelling kitchen boy story because it explains where Gareth gets his attitude which is what gets him in trouble with Kay. The whole court fawns over him to be in the king and queen's good graces and made Gareth a brat (affectionate).

Lot is barely a character in Sharan Newman's trilogy but he's a good dude and Agravaine is the only kid he actually sired so he likes him best. Surprisingly upstanding interpretation of them both. Here's a quote from The Chessboard Queen.

Not the step-dad but the dad who stepped up Lot? More likely than you think.

Lastly I wouldn't say Starz Camelot (2011) has a good Lot, but he's very sexy. He's in the first two episodes (and comes back as a vision in a later episode). He's definitely a bloody warlord killing whoever but he's really into Morgan. I mean duh, look at her. Things go downhill quickly but...James Purefoy the man that you are....

This turned into a long way of saying Gaheris is never the favorite kid. Anyway that's all the King Lot I have for you. Take care!

[longitudinalwaveme]

2024 Flash Annual (and General Musings About Si Spurrier's Flash Run)

I bought the 2024 Flash annual today, and enjoyed....parts of it. Which is actually a reflection of my feelings about the run as a whole. Here are my thoughts about the storyline so far, starting with the stuff I'm not crazy about.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Bad

I'm not a huge fan of Wally's kids suddenly having been aged up into teenagers. I liked them as younger kids, and it's frustrating to have them be advanced so rapidly into the more standard teenaged sidekick role.

Linda has been somewhat out of focus in the most recent issues of the story. I appreciate the attempt at tackling postpartum depression, but it feels as though the plot thread has been mostly lost amidst all the craziness.

Barry swearing is weird. He's such a clean-cut guy, and even though he's supposed to be somewhat out-of-character due to all the reality warping shenanigans, it's still odd to have him swearing constantly.

Amanda Waller is back, and she hates superheroes. Again. She's not exactly out-of-character or anything, but she's not really adding all that much to the plot. She's just here because of a tie-in crossover.

The tone of the book is rather dour and depressing. While it's not as relentlessly awful as it probably could be, I have to admit that having the entire Flash family be either depressed or on edge and at each others' throats is a bit depressing.

The Speed Force-related technobabble makes my brain hurt. I know that the Speed Force is always weird and esoteric and doesn't make sense, but this arc has been taking that up to eleven. I neither understand nor particularly care about the Arc Angles or the weird dimensional space-time stuff, and it frustrates me that so much panel time is devoted to that over and above character interactions.

This one is really minor, but I don't care for Evan's new astronaut costume. The original Mirror Master look was better.

Good Stuff

While the dour tone is a bit off-putting, I do at least respect the attempt to portray depression and burnout. For the most part, the symptoms are shown quite realistically, and, at least in Wally's case, it is a continuation of long-running mental health struggles. (Wally also suffered from depression shortly after becoming the Flash, so it does make some sense that his depression might resurface at some point.)

It's good to see Gorilla Grodd again. Before this arc, he hadn't done much for a few years, so it's nice to have him return (even if I'm not sure how he managed to get control over Gorilla City again).

The interactions between Wally and his kids (when they happen) are really solid, at least for the most part. I also like that Irey is still friends with Maxine Baker and that plot point wasn't dropped when the new writer took over.

Abra Kadabra makes total sense as part of the evil scheme, and Spurrier has thus far written him very well. I think it's been a good while since he was a major antagonist in anything, so I appreciate having him back as a Flash villain. I'm also relieved to learn that he was the Piper and not Hartley (mind-controlled or otherwise).

This may be the most interesting and threatening the Folded Man has ever been. Not that that's a particularly high bar to clear, but it's a nice change of pace to have him as a major villain.

Bart Allen and Max Mercury have been written well, and I'm glad that they're a team again.

Hartley has gotten to play an important role in the events of the story and is playing the role of tech support for the Flashes, just like he used to do during Wally's run. I'm very glad to have him around, and I hope that we get to see him in costume before the end of the run (especially given the way that Kadabra's evil scheme has co-opted his theme).

Evan McCulloch is back! I've missed him, and he and his phonetically-written Scottish accent have been one of the highlights of the run for me. He fits in with the book's plot and tone really well, given his weird eldritch powers, and this story has been a good showcase of just how dangerous he can be. I also particularly liked the bit where the Folded Man sarcastically suggested that Evan McCulloch's reward for participating in the plan was a hug; that was a good joke.

Unanswered Questions

Is McCulloch still dealing that Speed Force drug? And how was that connected to the overall evil plot?

Who or what is promising the rewards to the villains? Is it a pre-established villain, or some unknown cosmic horror?

Is Eobard Thawne involved in this scheme? If not, is one of the other Thawnes? I have to assume that at least one of them must be, because otherwise the "Crown of Thawnes" makes little sense.

What exactly has Evan been promised as a reward for his participation in the evil scheme? He's the only one we don't have a definite answer for, and I'm really curious as to what might be motivating him. If I were writing it, I would probably have the reward be a promise to let him go back in time and stop himself from accidentally shooting his father, but I do somewhat doubt that that's what he's actually been promised. Maybe it has something to do with reuniting him with the Rogues?

Are the social problems in Central City going to be addressed outside of Irey's ill-fated attempt to solve them? Is this going to be the next story arc, or an ongoing subplot? If so, I hope Hartley gets involved.

Is Evan still addicted to cocaine? Okay, admittedly this doesn't have much to do with anything, but I am curious.

Regardless of what Evan's been promised, Len needs to find him and whack him upside the head. This scheme is much more dangerous than anything he's been involved with previously, and he seems to have completely gone off the deep end in terms of the behavior he's willing to engage in to get what he wants.

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

Splitter Girl (weevildoing)

Another night, I’m all alone, enthroned within a screen/RGB light reflects uncut orgasmic tragedies...Oh, I can’t stand these awful thoughts inside of me/Only way to compensate is lead and metal, sharp and clean!

"VIOLENCE. ITS ALL ABOUT VIOLENCE it got its mv censored to start. its not even justified but hey i cant say that about many songs lmao its about the glorification of violence from mental illness (and some other things, but really its generally all about mental illness), and is done extremely well. its extremely clear that theres a lot of care put into this song, and like... determination? i barely ever see representation of things like this (violent/intrustive thoughts, glorification of it, etc) in music, so seeing it here (and in a way that shows that weevildoing truly gets it + isn't patronizing) is really nice. really this song is like... a community? something to show that you arent alone. and i love that so much, i love how much has been put into this song, every single lyric and instrumental choice shows an abundance of love and care and understanding. and this song has an entire developed character to go with it, and is alongside multiple other songs! its a part of the post-traumatic manifesto, and the character featuring is Splitter Girl (no other name, which is on purpose). the song is basically her mind, and the mv (uncensored) her internet life. showing what she's searching, listening to, shopping for, etc. once again it hits the nail right on the head for what mental illness is like. the visuals are very unafraid and purposeful in the clips and websites it shows, up to blade shopping, #guro and how to tie nooses being included. it pulls no stops in showing what it's truly like to be so low, what it really feels like, the highs and lows of it. it's like a love letter to me, to everyone who feels this way, and thats why i love it so much. it doesnt demonize us. it offers a hand (with a glittery pink gun) and an understanding i said its all about violence but man. its all about being *understood.* and violence too"

Karma (AJR)

I've been so good, I've been helpful and friendly/I've been so good, why am I feeling empty?/I've been so good, I've been so good this year/I've been so good, but it's still getting harder/I've been so good, where the hell is the karma?/I've been so good, I've been so good this year

i try to explain the good faith that's been wasted / but after an hour, it sounds like complaining / wait, don't go away, can i lie here forever? / you say that i'm better, why don't i feel better? / the universe works in mysterious ways / but i'm starting to think it ain't working for me / doctor should i be good, should i be good this year?

You say that I'm better, why don't I feel better?/The universe works in mysterious ways/But I'm starting to think it ain't working for me/Doctor, should I be good, should I be good this year?

"The song embodies what it feels like to try with everything you have just to be unrecognised and pushed aside. To be overlooked and for people to not see your struggles. Each line is written with so much energy and emotion, not to mention how the last verse hits you like a truck. It's become a song that I resonate a lot with and so do a lot of other people."

"It makes me want to cry every time I listen to it, the emotion build at the end of the song makes my chest hurt, and the lyrics fit me way too well and its. aaoiuuhhgg"

"It is exactly what it feels like to struggle with depression, self-loathing, etc. I sob every time I listen to it or even think of it (I’m tearing up right now). It’s just so painful to be reminded that I genuinely used to feel that way constantly, and that I still struggle with it. And of course, the instrumental just feels like the inside of my brain."

"It's like, the feeling when you're trying your best, to be a good person, to be liked by everyone, and still end up getting nothing, your not happy(er) or better, you just still feel lonely and like it was all for nothing, and you end up asking yourself "does it even matter?" and you want to get help, to get better, to feel better, but still, it all feels the same."

POLL RUNNER HERE - VOTE KARMA THE LYRICS WILL DESTROY YOU. Especially the final verse/bridge where the singer just launches into one long breath of really raw lyrics - that's what ajr is all about. Destroying you with words that are real

Splitter Girl submitted by @uniquezombiedestiny

Karma submitted by @space-shuttle-discovery + others

[siren-serenity]

indefinite hiatus

hey everyone....I just wanted to state it loud and clear now that I'm currently taking a long break from Tumblr for a couple of reasons. some of these reasons may even seem familiar as you've probably seen other fanfic authors stating the same issue again and again.

lack of interactions

remember when I had my 'battle of the restaurant' event? when it came to requesting, everyone was sooooo eager to ask for stories to be written. but when I published them? barely any interactions. no likes, no reposts, barely a comment of 'thank you'. it was as if I was a robot, publishing pieces over and over again for nothing. all the hard work I poured into my event: gone.

this wasn't the first time though. every time I publish something, the like-to-reblog ratio is pathetic. no one wants to comment anything sweet or even just a silly ramble. where is the interactions? where is the liveliness that Tumblr is famous for?

2. burn out from irl

sometimes, I feel like I switch fandoms too quick and too fast for me to publish some works from previous fandoms. I started out as a twst author but now I'm into one piece and haikyuu and so many other fandoms that I feel like I have to write for them-

and then when I try to enjoy some anime, I realize that I'm barely feeding any readers with any content and then I'm feeling so much writers' block from the pressure I put onto myself. I understand that this is no one's fault, perhaps from my own perfectionist issues but it's still a problem I face day after day.

3. a new stage of life

nowadays, I'm in a position where I have more and more work poured onto me, leaving me barely anytime to write any content for my readers. it's honestly hurting me too, whenever I do my own IRL work and then start worrying about what everyone thinks about my lack of interaction in comparison to everyone else. I'm feeling more and more drained from this constant cycle of worry and manic stress

so, other than the lack of interaction, it's not really anyone's fault. please don't start getting depressed thinking you've utterly destroyed me into a million pieces (I promise I'm fine, I'm just working on myself right now). but please reflect on my works and how you interact with other fanfic authors on this website. Tumblr is a beautiful place with some of the most beautiful work I've ever seen and some of the most thoughtful pieces of writing and art I've been blessed with. don't let something like lack of engagement ruin what Tumblr is. please

a small thank you to all my mutuals who've kept me company for the past few months, year even.

@cloudcountry: you are my inspiration. my advisor whenever I'm lost, my biggest hype-man whenever I published something for 'battle of the restaurants' or just simple pieces of writing for the famous auburn x azul ashengrotto (priest siren for the win!!), and one of my earliest friends on Tumblr. thank you for making my time here so special and memorable, I'll keep a small place for you in my heart, always. please read her work and be nice to auburn!! she's a rare gem in Tumblr, super talented and super kind to everyone <3

@officialdaydreamer0: one of the best artists and horror writers I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. reading Irene's lore have never made me feel so much pity for an OC before yet I'm memorized by her intricate vocabulary when describing the horror setting. but in sharp comparison, her art and doodles are nothing but extraordinary. I wish I had Irene's ability to draw anatomy and clothing (!!!) as well as she does. but as a friend, thank you for being there for me. you were a constant anchor here in Tumblr so thank you for keeping me grounded. love you Irene!!

@hisui-dreamer: rinna!! she's honestly super cute and bubbly, her love for jade and her commitment into making her eel of jade was so adorable to see on every new post. not to mention her writing!! super beautiful and gorgeous pieces of work that I just want to gobble up everytime it appears on my dash. please continue enjoying her test work and whatever new fandom she finds in the future! rinna, thank you for being one of my best friends here in Tumblr, your sweet personality will always be remembered.

my first friend, @pastelclovds: thank you for being one of the best, if not (in my humble opinion), the best Dom reader blogs ive ever had the pleasure to find in Tumblr. as a Dom reader blog myself, your works are truly works of art because of how sinfully delightful each and every work is. although I may not be in the same fandom as you sometimes, the way you write the character's reactions are so perfect!! the imagery is so carefully crafted that I feel like watching rather than reading (in a completely good way!! if that makes sense??) please continue writing, we need more Dom reader blogs on Tumblr for starved people aka me. thank you for being there for me always, ame!! kisses and hugs to you, MUAH

to all my other mutuals, @ceruleancattail, @v-anrouge @merotwst (still waiting for my art hehe), @siphoklansan, @the-dumber-scaramouche, @savanaclaw1996, don't think I didn't forget you all!! I'm just feeling a bit drained rn to continue dedicating small paragraphs to each and every one of you (because you deserve the WORLD). thank you for sticking with my weird ass and being some of the best friends, if not, platonic soulmates on Tumblr ever. your works, whether art or writing, has always left me breathless in awe. keep shining, keep being who you are, and don't let criticism knock you down!! stupid anons who never have the balls to save things without the anonymous features!! I will fight them for you, give me a text!!! but love you all and thank you all so so much for everything,

to all my followers!! thank you for supporting me from when I first began (with cringe worthy smut works to fluff fics from one piece). idk how did you like my smut works from the beginning, it makes me cry when I reread them lmao. but all 700+ (WHEN DID I GO FROM 500 TO 700???) of you are gorgeous human beings that deserve to exist as your beautiful selves. please enjoy some of my moots works as well <3. but your support, from that one anon who sent me a paragraph on how beautiful my Jamil fanfic for mero's summer competition (whoever you are, YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING AND MORE!! IT MADE YOU CRY BRO I'M SO SAD I CAN'T FIND IT NOW) to some random comment about how sweet ace is (bc he honestly is), has made my day even better.

I'll still be here on Tumblr, but probably just lurking. I think I'm just too drained to join convos or be here 24/7 but I'll keep reposting pro-palestine posts and being here if someone sends me an inbox or a message!! thank you all for understanding <3.

one day I'll come back. I swear I will.

I'm going to blow you out of the water with my new writing skills (LIES I'M NOT GONNA GET THAT MUCH BETTER LMAO)!!! :)))

xoxo, siren-serenity

[clonerightsagenda]

New ask for PPLN: Lyra Silvertongue

Hell yeah the ask meme adventure continues

(Ask meme here)

Full disclosure, I have not reread these books in quite some time. I do intend to, so that I'm prepped to be properly judgmental of the TV adaptation, but since my surgery keeps getting postponed I've been putting it off.

First impression

Man I wish I got to be a feral child running wild around a university.

Impression now

Given that HDM deconstructs the idea of the ~ innocence ~ of youth I like that Lyra (especially early on) is depicted as a selfish, impulsive kid who doesn't always make good decisions or empathize with other people. Like yeah, 12 year olds are still figuring stuff out! Most of them would cheer as their favorite bear tears another bear apart and eats his heart! Kids are weird and gross and complicated and authors who write very Pure Innocent Sweet Children just don't remember being that age.

Favorite moment

When she's not sure if she can trust Will so she asks the alethiometer about him and it tells her "he is a murderer" and she goes oh thank god. Bonkers behavior. (Also very judgmental of the alethiometer, I would call what he did manslaughter at best)

Also love that despite being the Eve in this scenario she pulled a Jesus and co-led the harrowing of hell. Love me a good afterlife breakout. Partycrash the underworld just to say hey to your friend and go 'btw while we're here do you want to like. leave'

Idea for a story

Lyra's described as a witch in many of the ways that count after being separated, and she pretends to be a witch a few times during the sequel series. I think she should hang out with them sometime. She suffers from the common female protag written by a male author problem of having no female friends and they might help her more than reading a bunch of depressing philosophy. "Oh your preteen crush is stranded in another universe? Well I've outlived 3 husbands. Let's talk about it."

Unpopular opinion

Is being a #hater of the sequel series so far unpopular? I was not a fan. While I did not expect some sort of secret surprise Will/Lyra endgame and hold the general perspective that most people are not going to have lasting relationships with their 13 year old crushes (a separate nested unpopular opinion?), setting up a romance with a guy who knew her as a baby and was her teacher when she was a kid weirds me out.

Favorite relationship

Does not every 12 year old girl want a giant fuckoff armored bear to be her bestie. At least after Lyra got every other person in her life surgically removed over the course of the narrative she can still visit Iorek the bear king. I hope? I don't remember him mentioned in the sequel series but I don't remember much of it.

Favorite headcanon

While as stated earlier I don't support holding out for your 13 year old crush I think it would be nice for her to get to say hi to all her friends from other worlds in the land of the dead before they all vaporize. (Speaking of which, wasn't the deal that they could only keep that window open if they taught everyone in each of their worlds to stop being assholes. How's that going guys)

[gaypirate420]

Curiosity here: {Discussion}

If you could re-write Jasper but keep 2 things about him, what would you keep? Besides appearance and gift! How would you explore this new version of Jasper?

For me, I'd keep his army past and Alice. But I'd explore how he changes over time and comes to realize how bad being on the Confederate side & being racist is. (I think you get it I'm trying to keep this short.)

Such as what makes him change and how he copes with his new understanding, and y'know the whole process of that.

Ofc, she comes into play too, maybe she's the catalyst that gets him to thinkin' about the topic at the surface, but it eventually goes deeper as she overtime explains things to him, and he thinks further on his own. IDK BRO I'm just thinking and wanted to read what you'd do. {Have a discussion.}

I'd change him shacking up w/ the Cullens though...or maybe their relationships with each other. I'd love to explore everything basically around canon while still being divergent to an extent. (Canon Related?)

He'd be the main character, but I think you already knew that if you read or at least skimmed this. But I have a terrible fear of people misunderstanding me. (⊙﹏⊙)

But yeah, I was just curious! I know a lot of people have done all sorts of things with him in Fics regarding his past and such, but I do always enjoy reading your responses to things.

This is just a purely hypothetical discussion. {If this was ever made that would be ambitious as hell cause like mf is like... 150 years old!}

I don't even want to think about all that time, and they never sleep either so like holy hell. So many moments of introspection and guilt and etc. to write I'd have a mental collapse. {But that's me when I write anything but also editing sucks ass.}

But not to mention ofc the huge amounts of research everything would take, and I am a huge perfectionist.

-Sincerely a mutual who tried to ask a few questions then freaked out over my own questions.

I'm making this anon now because I fear this ask now.

I think we have the same idea dear mutual!

(this is so fucking long omg I went off the rails, let me know what y'all think.)

I wouldn't rewrite anything, I'll just play it differently, I'll give it a nice depth.

I've always been on the side that just rewrite or ignore Jasper's confederate past is- not ideal. Yeah it's okay for a silly little comfort fic with your favorite vampire but not when talking about his actual canon characterization.

I would keep him serving for the Confederate army. I know a lot of people don't like that about him, but, I think it's a huge part of his character but there was something lacking there.

And what was missing is guilt.

Jasper, as to how he is written, and how we see the scenes of his past are played on both the book and the movie makes him look like he wasn't ashamed of his racist past or that he was even still prideful for it.

And it's so weird for me, how could this man who spent a century long depression, a self described "monster" a "nightmare" that just floods with self loathing couldn't feel guilty for not only taking someone's life but their freedom?

How could he feel guilty over killing the newborns but not black people? It doesn't make sense and it makes it worse, it makes you think that he, in modern times, it's still a confederate and also because vampires are "mentally frozen." He's not changed that much really then.

(I think Jasper lacking guilt and remorse about these fact about him is because of SM and her own views she not so subtlety spread all over her books though.)

So yes, I am keeping him as an ex-confederate soldier. Jasper was 17 so we are just to assume he was ignorant, and that's okay, we can live with an ignorant white boy for now. I cannot stress enough about how there is no need to make mental flips and splits to justify this choice of thinking in a 17 y/o southern boy from the 1840's. But, he gets to change, he, after the first years of him killing the newborns reflects about this, he might not be completely educated but he has the spirit.

Now let's talk about Alice.

I love her, but, if we are really analysing this then her and therefore the rest of the Cullens (because they welcome her and Jasper on their family) are okay with Jasper serving for the confederacy and I don't like that.

Why did Alice make him feel hope and all this shit and get him to change and learn a new life but didn't make him reflect on that maybe, perhaps, fighting for the enslavement of an entire race wasn't a good thing to do.

She says "you'll never be that again." referring to him being a vampire killing machine, not a racist, may I remind y'all.

So, I think the change would be about Alice teaching him things, Jasper spent so much time with Maria and then he was seriously depressed, I get the idea he wasn't interested on- going outside besides to feed from humans.

I think there are two types of vampires, those who love seeing humanity grow and change and come up with all these little inventions and then the ones who just see humans as prey.

Alice being the first and Jasper the second, but not for long after he meets her.

I think Alice could update him about the modern world that was the 50's, she would educate her that yes, Jasper's gentlemanly ways are charming and make her blush and giggle but there are some comments that aren't okay, just because in "his time" it was "okay", "funny" or "right", to say these things doesn't make them less offensive, dismissive and hurtful.

Alice would ask Jasper what did he felt while serving? And why? Was he even fully aware of what he was fighting for? Did the years of him seeing countless human's fight and go to wars that got bloodier and more destructive made him stop and think about the damage of his own army career?

Make the man reflect. Make him think for days and days about these questions he asked himself but never truly took the time to answer them. I need Jasper to have a slight mental breakdown before he gets to know the more peaceful life with the Cullens and Alice.

Alice asked these questions in her endless curiosity, not in innocence, but rather to know Jasper, really know him and understand him.

I want him to feel disgusted about having to feed from humans now that he realizes how much harm he did, and that's were the Cullens come in, Alice knows about her new family of course and it's more than excited to know her mate wants this life too, not because oh he's so in love with her he'll do anything (he is) but because he wants to change.

Carlisle let's him stay because he knows this, he understands in a way and he can't help but sympathize with him and Alice wanting to change herself and help her partner.

But Jasper can't fully because his body is asking him to kill constantly. He doesn't want to keep harming people, but his body can't forget, not only his body it's scarred as a reminder, but there's this annoying bloodlust that doesn't want to go away just yet.

But he has Alice, holding his hand and make him feel like everything will be alright.

Jasper is struggling but he is changing, he is getting more and more mental peace, finally, after a century and a half. It's slow, it's painful but it's there, self forgiveness and change.

One of the things that I love, a concept, Jasper being into philosophy, history and just literature, him loving to learn.

I love that in Breaking Dawn Jasper wanted to help Bella with her thirst. And of course I love him being hurt when she's way more successful than he is after so many years.

Seeing someone who you share the same experiences is so amazing, it helps you, but seeing them overcome this challenges that you also endure it brings you down on such a horrible way, it hurts you, but it makes you think of who you were before and how much you have accomplished. How much you've changed and that's my take on Jasper Hale.

I am not normal about him.

Also, I think I would change vampires not being able to sleep or cry, I think Jasper deserves both, as a treat :). I love him.

[sunnychuuya]

Sorry for the lack of sally face vomit last night guys I was eepy </3 I'm waking up in less than 8 hrs so let's go

THE FUCK YOU MEAN 60%

HOW DID I MISS SHIT I TRY SO HARD TO NOT

-oof not meds being shitty

-"is anyone really happy?" Mood

-hoooly fuck bro I am notnin a good enough mental state for this rn "I mean, were all just going to die anyway. So what's the point" pookie can we donting

-guysss whay the flip this games writing is rlly good

-"it feels like nothing puts me at ease. It's this constant feeling of discomfort like my soul isn't aligned with my body" okay I know this is prolly some ghosty supernatural shit but I feel this so hard ??

-HELP THE SCRAMIMG JUMPSCARED ME SO BAD mood tho

-hey what.

Whats this.

Larry if this means what I think it means

"ITS TIME FOR ME TO GO WHAY NO

Fuck

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

NO

I KNEW HE DIED BUT HE CANT DIE LIKE THOS

MY HEART IS RACIN

NO

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

"Don't do anything stupid" the amount of times I've had this told to me and had to tell me loved ones bro

Fuck

No

Guys this isn't even fucking funny this isn't like me getting spooked easy it's like I legitimately am crying so fucking hard right now like mt face is red and all nasty

Shit Larry please

I think this is the most I've ever cried over a game.

Shit

Fuck

No..

Please.

I knew he died.

It can't happen like this I'd rather anything else god damnit why.

Im shaking

okay in texting one of my friends and he's kinda helping a Lil 👍

He was supposed to move in with us.

He's in the treehouse.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Shit.

I'm sorry I know this isn't entertaining to read but

Fuck..

Larry why.

Larry face.

No ghat was really well done. And that's what makes it hurt sk much more. Fuck. Why.

[Tw suicide] this Honestly is making me really glad I never went through with it. Seeing those messages from a fucking fictional character is able to break my heart so much I can't imagine how my loved ones would've felt receiving this

sorry this is getting a Lil venty and dark but just like.. jeez. This is well written and that fucks it up so hard

ash what the fuck. You shitty traitor.

Ash I hate you.

Why.

Ash you fucking suck

Wait did Larry die with alcohol

Uck that makes it so much worse too

Im lowkey having to take breaks cuz this is hitting HARD

Larry's note. Oh my god.

phrophecy??

Oh right the cult

Fuck I'm sk glad ghosts exsist but I wish he was really here larry why

"You asshole! How could you do this?! Why did you leave me? Why?!" Fuck. Dude. Shit.

guys I'm stuck this is embarrassing

A times thing r u fr

Nvm easy as shot

oh great! guys that's great why is there black leak that's not good

what's happening with 501 what the florp

"The shapeless man walks in awkward strides"

Is everyone like possed or on the verge of possession or smth ?? Because like it's the red eyed demon right- based on the cutscene with Todd we saw during the bologna incident and the black stops righr before their eyes so..

The guitar sections are so stressful ngl

Oh wow mr Sanderson blew his brains out hub!

"yoy look like shit dude" Larry fucking wild thing to say to someone who shot themslelves

HEY GUYS ROOM 404 IS SLIGHTLY SUSPICIOUS

"These ghosts. So full of life. Strong, healthy blood. Tender meat. Oh how we crave their flesh. Yet, they deny us.. soon." what the fuck.

Wait guys in the vhs tape screen TV reflection it's younger sal he has pigtails

Larrys dead. I can't accept thst wth..

yall. Why us everyone being all deep n shit

"I'm sort of in the middle of something" honestly props to sal for not just giving up. I would be strong enough for that.

Yea these fuckers r possessed how do we unposses them

am I is have stupid

Im dumb

Gwyss who's quitting for the night cuz I couldn't figure out the guitar thing !!

Will do tmmrw

Aorry for this one being kinda depressing </3 I'm waking up in 5 hrs save .e

@mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow

[giulliadella]

Hellraiser: the Toll is dumb AF

You freaks liked my review of The Scarlet Gospels, so I'm here to deliver this short review of another garbage Hellraiser novel while I'm procrastinating with studying for the finals. Spoilers for the entire thing (and some funny fanart) below:

Hellraiser: the Toll is a novella written by Mark E. Miller that serves as a passage between The Hellbound Hearts/Hellraiser movie and The Scarlet Gospels. It sucks harder than a black hole.

Short summary (5 sentences)

Kirsty Cotton is a depressed fucked up person that is running from place to place because she's scared of "The Cold Man" which is a nickname she gave to Pinhead. She gets a letter from some random theology professor and decides to go visit The Devil's Island in French Guiana where she's told the Cenobite would wait for her. She goes to a hotel kept by an old lady and a butler named Walter, the old lady is skinned alive and the butler tries to kill Kirsty, but she smacks his face with a hammer and kills him. Then she enters the jungle prison on the Devil's Island and meets Pinhead, they chat, then argue, then start a fight which ends by Kirsty smashing his face with a hammer and taking out one of his nails. She returns home and keeps the nail in a jar on her night stand.

Endlessly confused plot

I honestly can't tell what universe does this book describe. It's a mashup of "The Hellbound Heart" and Hellraiser movie, but the second movie is not cannon, which is very weird. The author basically picked and chose whatever random thing he liked and made a senseless mashup. One of the worst things about it is the same fucking issue with the Boom! comics and that is that Kirsty hates Pinhead because he "killed her father and ruined her family". Which is pure bullshit from every angle. In "The Hellbound Heart", Cenobites only killed Frank and Julia and let her go. In Hellraiser, they also killed Frank and Julia and she barely escaped. Her father was killed by FUCKING FRANK. Pinhead didn't ruin Kirsty's family, Frank did. I don't think that Kirsty would hold any ill intent towards the Cenobites, in fact, in Hellraiser 2 she objectively doesn't. She wanted to save them for fuck's sake. And they all gave their lives for her. I really have no idea why would she have any reasons to hate Pinhead, but oh well.

Pinhead acts like a whiny little child

Seriously, what the fuck is with these books and assassination of Pinhead's character? Why the FUCK is he depicted as narcissistic, misogynistic motherfucker, when he couldn't be further from it? Also, why does he use his fists to fight Kirsty when he can summon chains with hooks by will and also has like 12 butchering knives hanging from his belt? The worst part is probably the dialogue, especially when he says "Jesus wept", like, come on, that's the dumbest thing I've ever read. Does the motherfucker who wrote this think that Frank and Pinhead have any parallels? Because if he does, he needs a hit on his head with a hammer, just to reset his brain.

Hell is shit - literally

The description of Hell in this book is even dumber than in Scarlet Gospels. It says that the floor in Hell is made of shit. And there's a hole and people in Hell worship the hole and throw babies in it. Like, what the fuck. Also, I fucking hate the fact that he described Cenobites as foul smelling. Do your research, motherfucker, they smell like vanilla! There is some stench of rot beneath, but nobody in the entire franchise never had the urge to vomit when they were close to the Cenobites, so it can't be strong. I don't know how did the author of this garbage come to the idea that Cenobites smell like shit and that Hell is made of shit, but it's literally like how a 13 year old would describe it. I don't know what is the reason, but maybe, just maybe, straight men have much different interpretation of what Cenobites are compared to queer women like myself.

Stuff I liked

There was one scene where a demon was running in the rain screaming FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK! until he was struck by lightning. I laughed my ass off with that.

The fact that Kirsty kept the nail she knocked out of Pinhead's face by her bedside was so cute. Like, this book has some shipping, but it fucking sucks. Mostly because both Pinhead and Kirsty are very much out of character. But keeping the nail was definitely in character for her lol.

Overall, this entire book could be summed up by this illustration:

The Toll sucks. It doesn't suck as much as Scarlet Gospels, and, thank Goddess, it's only 40 pages long. But it still sucks. It ruins both Pinhead and Kirsty and their relationship and it's definitely not worth your time. If you want good stories about the Hell Priest and his human crush, go to AO3, there are many of superior quality.

[asterdeer]

hi!! ramble to me about moby dick for the ask meme! i read it once but i don’t think i properly appreciated it….. maybe you can lead me to the light 🐋

!!!!!!! thank you for letting me use my degree a little bit as well as ramble about things, bless

okay. so. i don't like moby dick so much as i am haunted by moby dick and its ridiculous over-verbosity which, somehow, grows a compelling story over top it like bread grows mold. i'm obsessed with the structure of moby dick - the actual story is pretty short, pretty thin, at least compared to the page count. i never did the math but i assume the Digressions take up half or more of the book, or at least that's how it feels even if that's not true, which should be infuriating and terrible and annoying and actually is all that to a lot of people, for good reason. (i get it, i started to read les mis and got so incensed when he straight up started the book with 'hey what i'm about to tell you actually has nothing to do with the story that proceeds it' that i gave it up on page 1, digressions aren't for everyone and every author).

but there's this completely off-page story going on in the framing of moby dick, there's this unpictured picture of ishmael himself trying to put what he has been through into words -- trying to express the depths of what he has experienced, the good men he's seen killed for nothing more than one man's megalomania, the senseless waste and destruction over what, practically speaking, stripped of ahab's forced significance, amounts to a dumb beast in the water -- and it's not enough. there's not enough story. there's not enough words. a whaling voyage is, a huge percentage of the time, pretty dull. florence + the machine says that "it's hard to write about being happy because.... / happiness is an extremely uneventful subject" and that's what this voyage was to ishmael -- maybe not happiness, exactly, but he was at home with queequeg and the other whalers. he was depressed and searching for anything that might steady him, might give him a place to land, and he found queequeg, he found the pequod crew. there is nothing to tell but he needs to tell us about it. he needs to make us understand the gravity of it, the weight of what he lost, but this isn't the story of a conquering war band, it's not a fantasy of knights and lords. they're just whalers. whalers die every day. whaling is an uneventful subject.

so ishmael makes the book heavy -- physically, in your hands, the book is dense and weighty. it's packed with not only narrative and story but information (sometimes/frequently incorrect!), the science and theory and philosophy and theology of whales and their hunters. what happens on the pequod feels loaded not because the story is necessarily so very compelling but because ishmael is doing everything in his power to make us understand what about it compelled him. with every "cetology" "the whiteness of the whale" "ambergris" he is saying LOOK. LOOK. THIS IS THE PRICE OF LIGHTING YOUR HOMES. WHEN YOU WEAR PERFUME OF AMBERGRIS YOU ARE WEARING THE BLOOD OF MY FRIENDS AND BROTHERS.

(it's very modern in this way, i wonder if there was something of the jungle to it in the mid 1800s that we don't see as clearly now)

when it comes down to it i am incredibly compelled by moby dick because of its overwhelming desperation. there are passages and whole chapters where i could practically feel ishmael reaching through, grabbing my shoulders, begging me to understand. it's just so palpably..... tired. grief is written all through it, even in the most boring cetology chapters. you have to understand that we weren't just out here whaling for the hell of it, the chapters are saying -- their purpose isn't to impart knowledge, it's to impart history. dignity.

aahhhhhh shit i've gone on way too long and i could keep going for a dozen pages more but imagine if i had read the damn thing recently enough to have fresh feelings for it lmao. one day i'll dig up my old lit homework and see if i can find that essay i read for class about this exact thing, i could have sworn edgar allen poe wrote it but i could never find it again. none of these thoughts are original to me, i just got assigned the essay to do a presentation on and it rewired my brain

[theroundbartable]

If you don't mind me asking, can I ask your top favorite fics that you've written (feel free how much that you want to list)? Why they're special to you? Is there a specific inspiration when you wrote them?

Ooooooh, that is a very good question.

On my ao3 count, I currently have 125 published works. 3 of them are works in progress, one of them is discontinued. (I have a rather good publish - actually finishing ratio.)

I'm gonna list a few but in no particular order. It's just my personal highlights. For a full fic list, you can find my stories on ao3, aka, HERE.

No... just no (Merthur)

For some reason, out of all of my fics, this one is the most popular (so far). The idea was that Merlin is caught doing magic and just thinks: Lol, I'm Emrys, whatcha gonna do? kill me? I'm immortal, lmao. The inspiration was that I just wanted Merlin to carry on with his life when Uther tries to kill him and fails every time.

Connecting the dots (Merthur)

While this one doesn't have the best world building, it was definitely the most fun to write. The brainstorming had me laughing at work like an insane mad man. I loved working on this one, it made me very happy. The premise is that the knights make up stories to explain the strange things that happen in Camelot. It's a game, like D&D and they accidentally end up being right. Somehow I turned Gwaine into a god and the whole D&D game into a religion were people get babtized when you put them in the stocks. It makes no sense but it's so absurd that it's funny again XD

Chosen (Merthur)

This one is depressing but it marks a certain change in my writing style. When I wrote this, or rather, AFTER I wrote this, I swore to myself to only ever write happy endings again. This one really hurts, so I wouldn't advise to read it ;)

I realised how my writing influences my own mood and what I needed to do to keep myself happy. And that making myself happy is a good thing!

Clockroom (Merthur)

This is my oldest ongoing project that requires an enormous amount of work. Because of historical research, working with literal transcripts of the episodes, and because it's timetravel and time travel is IMPOSSIBLE to write... at least well... at this length.

Reversed (Merthur)

The premise is that everyone knows Merlin has magic - except Merlin. Before I wrote this, I actually had writers block, so I told myself: You always think backwards. How can you make BBC Merlin backwards? This was the result.

And I really think that this is one of the best fics I've ever written. Merlin's stubbornness and the way magic works in this fic have really influenced later one shots, but this one is very special to me because it wasn't meant to turn out as deep as it has.

The magic realm (Merthur)

Likely my best world buidling concept, challenged only by Dragon island. Well except for Incarnation but that's a novel I'm working on, not a fic. The idea is that the day Merlin loses his magic, Arthur is ready to turn to magic for help. Gaius sends them into the magic realm to learn magic there. Only that Merlin IS magic and so everything in there is connected to him in some way. I loved how the characters turned out and how magic is seen, depending on who is looking at them.

Mirror of truth (Merthur)

This one was an accident, really. Originally, Merlin was meant to be Camelot's champion, but then I thought about borders and how would the mirror know how to show Merlin and I got so deep into it that I eventually realised that Merlin couldn't be Camelot's champion at all. It was mind blowing. As I believe it is to you when you read the summary:

Every ten years or so a tournament is held between all the five kingdoms. In which one (strongest of the kingdom) sorcerer is chosen as a representative of their king/queen/crown bearer. The monarchs, however, do not choose the sorcerer for themselves, which Arthur is thankful for, since magic is still banned in Camelot. Instead, they are chosen by the mirror of truth. It shows the face of the strongest sorcerer in said lands, so Arthur can reach out to them. When the mirror finally chooses the participants, Camelot's champion is......... well i mean, who is the strongest magic user in Camelot? Exactly! It's Morgana. After all, Merlin was born in Cendred's kingdom.

8. The eternal suffering (Leon & George)

This one is special because it's not about Merthur. This is a fic that marks me as one of the two first people within this fandom who wrote Leon & (servant) George fanfics. And I am very proud to have coinvented this ship (although I'm more inclined towards them being entirely platonic). The idea was that I saw many parallels between Leon's and George's character and started imagining them complaining about their jobs to each other.

9. Everything I do, I do for you. (Merthur)

This one isn't even good. The reason this one is dear to me, is because of how much honesty and truth I put into these words. It was inspired by real life and I should warn you before you read it. It's a bit heavy. This one and Regent have the same/ similar orgigins and themes and may be the most painful for me personally to revisit.

10. Haunted (Merthur)

The ghost!Arthur Au no one asked for. It switches between funny moments and heartbreaking pasts and I think it's one of my better paced and thought through fics.

I just often keep wondering what Arthur does in Avalon and then I sometimes wonder, what if he didn't go there at all?

11. Free Delivery (Merthur)

This one is definitely one of my better thought through fics. I made notes and everything! Haha XD This one was inspired by DIrty Laundry, THE Klance fanfiction. I was rereading it and it somehow - I dunno - developed into this fic.

12. The Joker (Klance)

I can't believe how old this one is. Personally, I liked Alternative realities better, but people keep commenting on this one more. And well... comments inspire. That's why I've started a new fic in the godforsaken year of 2024. The Joker was just me mary sueing Lance. Because why not?

13. Second Chances (Drarry)

So far, this is my only Drarry fic and it is the LONGEST fic I've ever written. Including the clockroom. This one has been 2 years in the making and over 300 pages and I am TIRED. Anyways, I hope I'll be able to finish this one eventually. Otherwise my gf will kill me, I'm afraid XD

The idea is that Draco is a therapist, because I love psychoanalysing him and I wondered what he would do with himself after the war. I also tend to write time travel on accident, so that happened too. This was once supposed to be a one shot. Can you believe it?

I think 13 is a good hill to die on. Thank you for the ask, anon ^^