#malevolent episode 19
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i cannot fuckign believe they pulled a 3 month time skip on us that's wild. have they really been sitting here in this cell chowin down on human meet for that long htat's crazy
also incredibly believable that in those 3 months john and arthur still have not worked their shit out. ur honor these bitches match each other's freak AND stubbornness. they suck ass, peace and love <3
once again astounded by arthur's refusal to let the dream lands take away his kindness i love him sm. literally on the run from guards after escaping the prison and he still takes the time to give water to the cana
it's still really sad that arthur still doesnt seem to understand that john cares about him though. like i know that's a sentiment that john himself reinforced during their argument but like :{ he literally gave up the chance to be whole for you :{ he said that the worst part about all of this is the fact that he still doesnt have a physical body and then he gave up the chance to have one for you :{
i feel like arthur's self hatred is kind of getting in the way of his ability to see that john no longer sees him as just a tool to be used, but as a friend
i love john sooooooooo much this almost makes me forget that just last episode he was taunting arthur about the death of his daughter. almost.
john said L + ratio + i hate the british. also love that the creatures in the dream lands seem to be exclusively horrible eldritch monsters, dark souls npcs, or really cute animals. shoutout to this really good giant cow
i was walking home when faroe's lullaby started playing from the music box and my stomach DROPPED this is 100% a trap from the king in yellow but god i dont think there's a world where arthur even hesitates to try and find her after that. there's just so much guilt and grief in him of course he's going to look for her how could he not. man.
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I'm *sorry*?
"Your... better half"?
I'm
SORRY??????
bro Lester wtf
#jaw literally dropped when i heard this#bro WHAT#also did i just#like#*miss* something?#like oh they *just* got captured and then all of a sudden it's been eighty five days and faust is almost entjrely gone#is that just recapped later or...?#Laurence Holder's Happy Funtime Theatre Bonding Roadtrip#god using that tag kniwing whats coming is WILD#anyways#malevolent podcast#malevolent episode 19#zizistuff#lucifanbabbles
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Naming that cow creature after a nurse John remembered was perfect.
Of course the trader had Faroe's music box. Now that will send Aurthor on a path they probably shouldn't take but his grief is guiding him.
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BLACK MARKET VOICES PRESENTS:
SURROGATE THE PODFIC - EPISODE NINETEEN: RITE
COMING SOON
From the talents of:
SSJTrinity | @late-to-the-magnus-archives Kraiva | @sepiabandensis Somniate | @sparklyandheroic Flamia | @flamdoodles Vmprsm | @vmprsm Jasper | @captaincravatthecapricious Igneousfrizzle CharlieGoLightly | @spinning-logic LynnLarsh Isi | @eldritch-asmr Fish | @unsafewaters
(poster by Flamia!)
#malevolent#malevolent podcast#malevolent fanart#malevolent fanfic#malevolent podfic#podfic#surrogate#surrogateverse#surrogate podfic#surrogate fic#arthur lester#john doe#john doe malevolent#faroe lester#dis (OC)#hastur#the king in yellow#episode 19#rite
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The Journey to Break Free • An Analysis of Malevolent's Themes
This is more like a ramble, but analysis sounds more professional y'know y'know-
Major Spoiler Warning for Episode 19
-
Episode 19 may be my favourite episode at least for Season 2 – bear in mind that as I type this, I haven't gone past Episode 19. Regardless, it is definitely a highlight of this podcast for me. It unpacked a lot about Arthur and John, and it explored many interesting themes. The strength of kindess and letting yourself be vulnerable, the reality that healing and becoming a better person isn't always a clean journey, the significance of the connections we make and the memories we carry from them...
The first one is subversive in how despite Arthur losing some of his morality in order to survive, he still retains some of it and uses it ro his advantage. It may be baffling to see Arthur still wanting to trust others and treat them kindly, as seen with Arthur wanting to offer water to the cana, because this world can turn on you so quickly. However, that may be the point. The fact that Arthur can still find it in himself to care about the beings in this world is a true testament to his resilience. The Dreamlands is unrelentlessly cruel and tests you, trying to mold you to become the monsters that roam this realm, and I think that is why Arthur won't succumb to this world's terrors like so many before him did.
It ties into the tone of the podcast and how it shifts. Arthur may need to be cruel at times, but that doesn't mean he needs to be a monster. Likewise, Malevolent may be a bleak story, but it is not one which needs to overly indulges in tragedy and darkness. Even within the episode itself, there are moments where Arthur and John laugh. There's an entire section in which Arthur interacts with a buopoth, and it's the most adorable thing ever. These moments provide a balance that help emphasize the impact of intense moments even more than if the entire story had just been trudged in grimdark.
(Putting the rest under a "Read More" section as to not make this post too long to scroll through)
As for the second theme, I particularly appreciate it as people who try to heal, typically victims of trauma, are often villanized for not being perfect, nice or behaving. Anyone who doesn't fit the mold of being sad and helpless via lashing out or express anger about their trauma get dogpiled with insults and accusations from those who refuse to understand them. Those who only want to imagine a narrative that recovery is always pretty and always going up with no relapses whatsoever. That narrative formed because society crafted it and enforced it with media tackling trauma victims in a shallow way at best. Because it's uncomfortable for society to face the truth that trauma is ugly, and those that went through it won't come out unscathed like people want them to.
The theme of names being significant is an uncommon but meaningful one. John Doe is a name to give the King in Yellow a new identity, a way to rebuild himself. Lilly is a name that meant a lot to John as the only form of human connection he had while Arthur was comatose and the catalyst to John becoming a better person. Faroe is a name that Arthur keeps recalling because he can't let go of his daughter and the trauma that came with it.
Even the name of the episode is important. I think "the Prison" truly is an apt title for this episode. Not only because this involves Arthur and John escaping the pit they're trapped it, but it's also a metaphor for Arthur's situation. His body is a prison for John that both want him to get out of, yet Arthur is the real prisoner as he loses control over everything from his body to his life. He is trapped in the past because he can never let go of Fareo. He can never forgive himself for causing her death through his neglect no matter how unintentional it was.
And he gave in at the end. He gave in to the past and went to the city to search for Faroe even though the cana instructed them to avoid the city. Even though so many signs point to it being yet another trap. Even though the chances of Fareo being there were next to none.
Yet John didn't protest. It really shows how much John has grown to emphathize with humanity. How he has grown from someone who is selfish and uses others to his whims, discarding them when they no longer serve him purpose to someone who may not fully understand humanity but can genuinely appreciate and care about it. He may not understand why Arthur still clings onto Faroe, but he understands Arthur deserves closure, so even if this may be a trap, he lets him walk in. We, the audience, may not fully understand either, but we understand this is a necessary step for Arthur even if it may be one that leads to his doom.
#Overall 10/10 episode!!! I love it#Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna take a thousand year long nap#It's almost 4 AM but screw it I needed to get this out#I have so much more to say about Episode 19#but I need SLEEP and it will take FOREVER and I have THINGS TO DO EOUGH.#But yeah I love love love this and I love Malevolent#What an outstanding podcast I love it#malevolent#malevolent podcast#malevolent spoilers#arthur lester#john doe malevolent#analysis#media analysis#character analysis#commentary#chris p fried rambles
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Some months ago I joined a Malevolent zine put together by @asininestars ! Check it out if you haven't already ⭒⭒⭒
Commission me!
#doodle draws#malevolent podcast#malevolent zine#malevolent 2023 zine#Arthur Lester#the wraith#Lilly the buopoth#episode 9#episode 19#this has been on my draft for Forever fjdksk#cw blood
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We love her 🥺🥰
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EIGHTY-FIVE FUCKING DAYS??
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i started listening to malevolent cuz of your fanart and now im fully unhinged about it lmao (i've nearly finished episode 19 as i write this, about 4/5ths of the way through)
hell yeah welcome to the pit!!! also godspeed brother ep 20 is uh. it’s something.
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malevolent part 46 the unclean live listen notes
SPOILERS BELOW
faroe jumpscare
is she haunting him lol
i cant believe he slept
"its probably an animal" u guys keep forgetting what podcast you're in
"you were sleeping?" "NO👹" defensive for no reason
stop hiding things from eachother challenge impossible
"it was just Things" 😐
what is blud yapping about😭🙏
LILY MENTIONED‼️
yeah yeah we know john we were all there🙄
cheesy ass episode where are the horrors
TRAIN STORY CALLBACK :33333
u dont have to remind me this story is bouncing around in my brain at all times
ooohh okayyyy music
arthur is not registering any of this let the man sleep💀
john praising lily for just doing her job is so funny to me
omgg :3 faroe is hanging out
no its not malam his ass doesnt sound like that
is he not even considering that it could be faroe usually he jumps at any chance to mention her
its disney pixar movie brave
shes guiding him?? showing him the way??
do u think they're fae
oh hes being compelled
"we shouldnt just sit here" ya thatd be a boring episode
hes fighting it
they're fae i faer
maybe just go the opposite direction
"what We're seeing" ok arthur
oh ermm😕😕
ANOTHER CULT??? COME ON😐😐
omg crying obsidian literally minecraft
oh dear a child. oh nvm He
its that dead child in the river isnt it
HAHA HE ROBBED THEM
arthur what happened to your decluttering mindset
HAHA YORRICK💀💀💀 they kidnapped his ass
oh his ass gonna is snitch on us
👹fuck mother darkness👹
"as unfortunate as that is" 💀
what makes u think he didnt lie to you about being the last of his kind
"we wouldn't be walking into a trap BLINDLY" "we'd be walking in with MY EYES wide open"
yorrick if you dont rat us out we'll buy you a lego set😇😇 or a chew toy
bro just dont follow him hes obviously just using the bag to bait you
ok dont get the bag guys r u dumb
STUPID!! DONT!!!! ☠️😠 guys i cant keep defending you
they will not ignore the lights bruh🙏
god we're only 19 minutes in
they're gonna die from this bruh
goddamn it john😭
oh no💀💀💀 man come on
they're cooked🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
wait is it actually okay i cant tell anymore
oh😕😕😕 BLERGH☹️☹️
naur the hunt got to him🙏
idk wtf is going on anymore bruh
okay ya its still a trap
dont drink that fucking water bruh i bet his corpse was in there
ofcourse it looks inviting bruh💀💀
they're what
💀💀 HAHA HE LEFT dumbasses
funny as hell now what
DONT DRINK IT HAHA ARE U CRAZY
it looks inviting again huh😐😐
NOOOOO💀💀 jarthur needs a babysitter bruh
"it leads men astray" only men huh😐 god forbid women have hobbies
HEART OF THE FOREST MENTIONED‼️‼️‼️‼️
they're trying so hard to be otgw
IN THE DREAMLANDS?
YEAHHHHH
omg i knew it'd come back
no guys maybe it's the same forest remember when u gave it your finger n u actually didnt need to and u said Lets hope they'll pay us back
FAE FAE FAE THEYRE FAE💥💥
mushroom smell is a core memory for him💀💀
HAHA WTF sillyness
william mentioned
what is his ass yapping about 😭
is this still a trap wtf r these mushrooms doing to him💀
hes dancing???? naur what the hell
hes cooked the fae got to him💀🙏
music is distorting ermmm😕
blud snorted too many mushrooms
WHAT?????? not the traumadumping
madness madness madness
man what the hell
☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️
man i thought he had a relatively good relationship with his dad😕
YOU DID WHAT😨😨
WHAAAT WHAT THE FUCK MAN
did the dancing exhaust him
😕 man what the hell was that
what the hell wait what now
its the king isn't it
this eppy is crazy man ill kms
the fae got to him‼️🗣️🗣️
EVERYONE SPEAKS IN YOUR VOICE BRUH THERE IS ONE VOICE
what is going on bru
WHO?? 🗣️ horick???
was the shrine for him then
bro is bargaining💀
wuh oh😕
WHAT😨😨😨
YOUNGER????? not again arthur💀
once a child murderer always a child murderer
is arthur pulling this guy's chain bru
nah he was definitely lying right😕
fym "what are you doing" what are YOU doing
he what. he slept?? i think arthur was just pulled away from him so he was like. unconscious?? maybe
they just keep making secret deals with evil gods🙄
oh man hes so ashamed
john trying to have a moment with him and getting shot down again
so whats the plan here are you just gonna go back to killing children
"us" hmmmmmm
hes definitely not gonna tell john abt the deal
oh he did. but not about the child part
YEA THE CORPSES RIGHT
yess i was right💥💥💥💥
yeesh😕
i like how in audio dramas the throwing up sound is always just some tin foil getting squeezed
what an episode. i have to pee so bad
MMMM REALLY not liking the theme im seeing in this season (children)
#malevolent#malevolent podcast#arthur lester#john doe#john doe malevolent#malevolentpod#malevolent46#malevolent part 46
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FINALLY FINISHED MY RELISTEN YIPPEEEE I HAVE THOUGHTS (not including the new ep sadly)
oh my goodness. john's s1 voice. i know everyones always talking about it but omg. he sounds like a used car salesman or something i love him
THE BUTCHER BOTH INVOLVED IN ONE OF THE FIRST EPIS???? not by name obvi but "he died quite gruesomely" i completely forgot about that ghsdnflkj
im gonna be honest i skipped ahead to part 6 last relisten but hearing the first few again was so cool
"more writing in polish" wow!! it me!!!! polish!!!!
s2 was. wow. ough. fjaslkdj.
that was actually when i painted the kiy,i was just relistening to those during art class
the vibes were immaculate
godddd i forgot how painful part 18 was
and 19 for that matter
i can't even begin to coherently word my emotions about part 20
arthur's poem. the poem. but also "i am clawing my way towards a better version of myself!" aSLKJDL
john and lilly john and lilly joHn and lilly jaohnd alihdl ully
i also skipped 21 + 22 last time because i couldn't bear the yellow parts they made me too sad BUT i soldiered on this time around
yellow,,,, he sounds like john when he is curious about humanity
like all the cruelty and intimdation drain away and he just wants to know what evrything means
LARSON SLDKFJLSK I NEED TO HIT HIM WITH A SEMI TRUCK I NEED TO RIP HIS ORGANS OUT I DESPISE HIM WHY DOES HE HAVE A SOUTHERN ACCENT. HE ONLY GOES TO MASSACHUSETTS AND NEW YORK. URFLKS I HATE HIM
KAYNE TOO BUT THATS ANOTHER THING
s3 in general had me shellshocked-soldier-memeing in the hallways at school
part 24 i thinkw as when arthur said "i killed myslef for a voice in my head. do you know how mad that sounds?"
AND HOW YOU CALL IT MADNESS KEEPS RANDOMLY CROPPING UP JSLKDJ
ughhhhh part 26 i can't
i was bawling in the bathrooms (in spirit)
and 27,,,,, 28,,,,,
THEN PRELUDE <3333333
MY GORGEOUS WIFE
I HADN'T HEARD HIS VOICE IN TOO LONG JSLKJFLKSJDLKJLKJDLK
why must i be this way about the middle aged irish serial killer. cmon now brain what the hell
anyways. i need to draw lilith too
scratchhhhhhhh
oscar. hmm. might be understanding why everyone loves the sad little gay priest more and more
he has his charms i suppose
john during s4 slkfjl;jlajsdl;fjasrigofecrjaksmlfekjs
relate to him a normal amount sure mhm
NOELLLLLLLLL I LOVE NOEL hES SO EVERUTHGING
GODDDDDDD
i would do unspeakable things to be the waitress he calls doll in one of those episodes
i need him in ways that are detrimental to feminism /ref
i will never be normal about part 40. both my wives dying in the same episode
i had a whole chunk of dms where i raged about how much i loathe, abhor, and despise kayne for that
MALEVOLENT HAS SO MANY MARVELOUSLY EXECUTED CHARACTER DEATHS. THE BUTCHER WAS NOT ONE OF THEM. IT DID NOT MOVE THE PLOT FORWARDS WHATSOEVER. WHY??!?!??!?!?!?!?? HARLAN WHEN I FUCING GET YOU
why would you kill our coolest antagonist??????? literally never getting over him :(((
the part 41 divorce got me ripping my hair out on the bus
trying so hard to keep a straight face when all i want to do is scream and throw shit
john doe trans allegory my dearly beloved <333
part 45..... hrngslkjdf
so so so excited to hear 46 you guys have no idea
#malevolent#malevolent podcast#malevolent relisten#malevolent spoilers#lee speaks#john doe malevolent#arthur lester#the butcher malevolent#noel malevolent#oscar malevolent#larson malevolent
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Of all the bullshit I never expected to be back on with the same intensity of October through December of 2000, Beetlejuice was not it. But I finally got to see the musical yesterday, and the part of me that has adored all 94 episodes of the animated series from the moment I started watching them on ABC Saturday mornings in 1989 just fucking flared—this fond, awful tightness in my chest. It’s the first TV show I ever imprinted on; it’s been with me since childhood. Surreal.
About 4 years into watching the cartoon, I finally saw the live-action movie that the cartoon was based on. I hated it, because it was so malevolent and empty compared to the incredible world-building characters in the animated series. Serious shout-outs to Stephen Ouimette and Alyson Court for all that stunning, hilarious, and often moving voicework.
Now, okay, I need to go back to 2000 again to make this all make sense. I’d watched the show from 1989 until whenever the 4th season ended. It wasn’t until I was in my first semester of college, newly transplanted to New England, that I found a couple folks within my program who had loved the show growing up, too. I ordered all of the episodes on VHS. It was difficult to track them all down in 2000, and it was expensive. But I pulled it off, and we had Friday night watch parties for weeks over the month of October. But that is not where this ends.
I was in the process of winding down the writing I’d been doing on Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow for the entirety of my senior year of high school. Suddenly, I’m in college and watching this fucking cartoon and thinking, there is so much heart in this. How the fuck is there so much heart. I haven’t seen two characters this wholesome codependent in, well, ever. I went looking for forums and mailing lists devoted to the cartoon. I found a mailing list. There were a handful of artists drawing amazing fancomics on there, and they were like, what do you do? Oh. I write. And they were like: do you understand how desperately some of us have wanted fic, but just can’t find it?
That is the wrong thing to say to me when I’m on a downward spiral of realizing I’m not going to escape a fandom without getting myself into a project so long that it’s all I’ll be doing for fucking months on end. If you’re one of the people who knew me back then, you know what I did for those four months in the fall/winter of 2000. I wrote a novel. Sure, I came close to failing a couple of classes, but it was the first time I understood exactly what I was capable of building as a fanwriter. Maybe even as a real writer.
“Time Will Tell” was hosted on a friend’s Angelfire site for a handful of years. People found it via LiveJournal, too, because I linked it there. I put it on AO3 somewhere circa 2012 and took it down again in 2017 because I didn’t feel there was enough interest in it, and also, my 19-year-old editorial foibles and typos were aspects I wanted to amend in it.
The musical took more inspiration from the cartoon than the film. I’m stunned and grateful for that. I found the “Time Will Tell” file buried pretty deep in my Gmail folders. I’ve been reading it since the drive home last night. I just can’t believe there’s now enough of a fandom for me to consider finally polishing it and getting it back online. It’s one of my two oldest surviving pieces of writing.
Anyway, sorry for the Gotham fic delays that I’d been trying to get a handle on. Now that the semester’s over, I feel that getting this thing I wrote twenty-three years ago back to the light of day is the best use of my time for a couple weeks.
If you’re one of the people who read “Time Will Tell” back in the day, thank you. I don’t know how many people out there still remember it beyond maybe ten or so friends I’m still in contact with all these years later. I’m sorry it disappeared for a while.
#beetlejuice#beetlejuice the musical#beetlejuice the animated series#lydia deetz can fuck right off for reminding me she was the reason i wrote first-person pov for the first time ever#and can take all the credit for making me feel less alone as a kid#maybe this is why ghosts never scare me; bj is such a delightful dumbass and set my expectations pretty high/low depending
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Hello, we're a system/collective who started listening to Malevolent on June 7th, 2024, and boy did it hit close to home! not only because of the jarthur body sharing blues, but also johns individual experience with his identity made us feel seen in a way we haven't felt before.
the way john has to figure out what differentiates himself from both arthur and hastur, despite feeling trapped behind arthurs eyes and chained to hastur heart, aligns with our experiences... a lot. so we've been making a compilation for the past month that includes all of the moments that made us go OOORRG as well as different folks commentaries (mostly consisting of us going OOORRG). this is going to be long as shit because this entire show is this.
also if your a system/collective who likes malevolent: PLEASE put ur favorite moments/ur thoughts
and if you haven't listened to malevolent: hey, you should give it a try and then come cry to me about it :D
A Compilation Of Malevolent Moments That Hit Differently As A System:
The Caves: (34:59-35:20)
during their argument john laughs while arthur trips over things
hehehe ya
The Path: (43:06-44:05)
johns questioning if he's feeding off of arthurs emotions or if hes learning them for himself, new split type beat, trying to figure out where each other start and end.
"we are of two minds, and more and more im realizing two souls as well. there's a bleed over effect but you are something entirely your own, john."
The Fall:
oh my god this episode. this man got so fucking pissed, not at john for rubbing the death of arthurs child in his face, but at arthur pulling host rank???? i was like ya buddy you can rot in a pit for a few months, mf you cant do that!! we we're listening to this at work and we were so pissed
The King: (35:00-36:25)(45:18-48:57)
its the first time arthur talks for him and its the first time he feels johns tears.
arthurs confrontation with the king and the feeling of no matter how much you hate each other, you're going to have each others back. for us personally it feels like a sucker punch to the gut every time he says "because i cant lose another person!"
The Unconquerable:
when we wrote down the title we didnt know why the episode resonated with us, but now I come back to it a month later as a yellow introject. we have horrid memory issues on top of memory issues, so it hurts something familiar to see the state yellow is in when he gets thrown into arthur. not knowing who or where he is but still trying to hold the cards, arthurs disappointment that hes not who he wanted him to be. its a new kind of painful. its the odd solace that comes from a shattered mirror.
we see arthurs frustration but its almost nice to be able to hate him for not giving yellow more grace.
The Train: (4:19-8:10)
I have literally told this guy he looks 80lbs sopping wet before, this entire episode is perfect. the bickering, the team work, the having to navigate socializing, it feels so nice
The Tear: (12:14-22:48)
ya...
The Detective: [(3:50-7:05) (10:40-14:58)] (28:09-28:18)
we made the mistake of listening to this on the way to getting tacos and we just had to sit in the parking lot, crying as john got to be seen for the first time by an ally. I've never had the experience myself(others in our system are out tho) but seeing it go well for him sparked something in me, enough that it pulled us to front for the past few weeks. that, w. it was a very important moment to us
and on a completely different vibe, "have you ever... before?" fuckin "well with out my excellent call outs" silly guy
The Order II: (23:26-24:00)
huh? oh hes not talking to us
The Witch: [(16:11-17:24) (25:30-26:56) (29:00-33:17)]
the whole episode honestly, start to finish.
no, im not including the ending speech it makes me physically ill
WITCH: This woman cared for you?
JOHN: Yes.
WITCH: Lies! She cared for your mortal!
JOHN: He couldn’t hear her! I was the one who received her care, her kindness, her –
WITCH: Intended for another!
JOHN: What does that matter!? She knew no difference between me or him! She knew nothing of the soul that heard her, whether it was… (He sighs in frustration.) It was the same care. The same… compassion.
UUUUUUUUUGGGGG
Honorary Mentions:
all of johns memory issues in season 4:
how every time he came back he would be defensive saying "right, i knew that!" even when he didn't remember, that's a classic.
Intermezzo: (5:00-5:46)
kayne and his many many voices/me not me/ its not about the names were given its about the names we choose
every time jarthur says we/our
The King:
"well at least thats what the loudest voice in my head says" ya? and how many voices are in there?
#thank you for coming to my tedtalk i will be adding more#malevolent spoilers#malevolent#malevolent 43#john malevolent#arthur lester#sysblr#did osdd#did system#anti endos dni#other systems lend me your ears#plurality#earlymorning talks
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BLACK MARKET VOICES PRESENTS:
SURROGATE THE PODFIC - EPISODE NINETEEN: RITE
COMING SOON
From the talents of:
SSJTrinity | @late-to-the-magnus-archives Kraiva | @sepiabandensis Somniate | @sparklyandheroic Flamia | @flamdoodles Vmprsm | @vmprsm Jasper | @captaincravatthecapricious Igneousfrizzle CharlieGoLightly | @spinning-logic LynnLarsh Isi | @eldritch-asmr Fish | @unsafewaters
(poster by Jasper!)
#malevolent#malevolent podcast#malevolent fanart#malevolent fanfic#malevolent podfic#podfic#surrogate#surrogateverse#surrogate podfic#surrogate fic#arthur lester#john doe#john doe malevolent#faroe lester#dis (OC)#hastur#the king in yellow#episode 19#rite
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A Personal Reflection on Malevolent's Episode 19
tw // suicidal thoughts, self-harm, depression + mental health, personal life musings
-
There's something about John asking what it's like to be overcome with joy that really stuck with me. Then when he said that him fucking up and clawing his way out to become a better person made him human... that hit a lot more than I expected.
I've gone through many periods in my life where I didn't really care for anything. I was apathetic and didn't really connect with the emotions my friends felt. They all felt so foreign to me. I didn't feel genuine joy, and it was so obvious that my mom pointed it out. Maybe it was depression. It likely is.
And I wish I could go back in time to see my past self who questioned whether it was worth growing up. They questioned whether they would ever feel joy again, and I want to tell them it's a resounding yes. I wish I can go back, hug them, and tell them they will feel joy again. They will learn to love life again, and they will be grateful they didn't listen to the thoughts that told them to walk in front of a car or the thoughts that made them consider jumping off the bridge of the school.
And I wish I can tell them they're not a horrible person. I wish I can stop them from hitting themselves in the face and tell them their friends will forgive them for hurting them. Their friends – my friends, or rather, our friends – genuinely see us as a good person despite everything. They understand that we lash out because we didn't know how to handle our emotions. They understand that we're genuinely doing our best to change because we love them.. and we love us.
We'll be okay. I don't just promise that. I know that.
#Episode 19 means a lot to me honestly#Buckle up I have even more analysis coming up I'm Fired Up#malevolent#malevolent podcast#malevolent spoilers#media analysis#personal#commentary#cw mental health#tw sui ideation#chris p fried rambles
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Listening to the malevolent podcast once more!!
Episode 41: Intermezzo, 19:10…. Spoilers
I totally misheard and thought that Kayne said they “date” already… not “did” 😭
#I literally had a heart attack and had to scroll back to listen right#I was so excited!!!#but alas their love is still yet to be known#malevolent#malevolent podcast#Arthur Lester#John Doe#rambles
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