#makes me think if i had the money i would buy some series the library doesn’t have and donate it

[monsterhugger]

”why do people pirate books? haven’t you heard of the library?” the library just told me they won’t replace the two books in a series that have disappeared from their collection because the series is “too old”. the most recent edition was published in the 2000s by a major publisher. you can buy them for under $10. also at least two other people were reading the series at the same time as me so its not like no one wants to read it anymore

[katyswrites]

put on your records (and regret me)

PART 3 | SERIES

Pairing: Steve Harrington/fem!reader

Warnings: asshole!Steve, rivals-to-lovers, swearing, alcohol use, recreational weed use, descriptions of puking/hangovers, no use of y/n, not quite smut but we're getting close folks

Wordcount: 4.3k

Playlist

You love WAMC-Hawkins, Indiana’s top college radio station. It’s your safe space, your niche. It’s where you’ve made your friends, your favorite place to be when the rest of the world gets to be just a bit too much. Well, with one exception.

Steve Harrington is a thorn in your side. And just as well - he thinks you’re a royal pain in the ass. But in your senior year, you’re both on the e-board, so you have to work together. You love to hate him. So why can’t you get him out of your head? And, why do you find yourself going to see his band, each and every weekend?

Underground basement concerts, spinning old records, and screaming matches in the vinyl library with the boy you love to hate. An enemies-to-lovers college radio station 90s AU.

TRACK 3

You don’t see Steve for nearly a week after that - you hang around the radio station quite a bit, as you usually do, but never manage to run into him. You should be thankful for that - for how peaceful it is. It’s not even like you want to see him - no, why would you? He’s a pain in your ass, and you should be thankful that you can do your job in peace. 

No, it’s not actually at the station that you see him next - though, it’s tangentially related. You’re at perhaps your second-favorite place in the world - Varsity Vinyl, the local record shop downtown. It has some of the best selection you’d seen, and you always find yourself there - buying for your own growing record collection, or rooting through the used and discounted bin to help stock the station’s vinyl library. It’s where you find yourself on a Saturday afternoon, flipping through records while figuring how much money you actually realistically are able to spend.

You don’t see him, not at first. He’s standing further down the aisle, and when you finally look up and spot him, you nearly jump - he’s just staring at you, eyes wide. You straighten up, just holding eye contact - you feel like two wild animals sizing each other up, deciding whether to run or fight. You’re truly deciding between those two options when he clears his throat.

“Oh - uh, hey,” he says, quieter than you had expected.

“Hey.”

You shift uncomfortably on your feet, a beat of silence passing between you. Then, you both find yourselves speaking at once:

“Your party was fun the other night -”

“Are you okay -”

You both pause, and you awkwardly laugh.

“Sorry, uh - the party was fun last weekend. Thanks,” you say quietly.

Steve shrugs.

“Oh, yeah - glad you came. You… you seemed like you were having a good time.”

Like I made an absolute fool of yourself, more like, you think to yourself.

“Oh! I mean - I guess. Sorry if I got a little - uh -”

“It’s fine, don’t worry - we’ve had worse,” Steve assures.

He hasn’t said anything about bringing you home. Part of you is convinced that Eddie was misinformed, and Steve didn’t actually bring you home that night - that is, if it wasn’t for that stupid note. The note you probably should have thrown out, but stuck into a desk drawer instead - to refer to later, just to make sure you weren’t crazy, you had reasoned.

But now, Steve is standing in front of you, more quiet and withdrawn than you’ve ever seen in the past four years of knowing him.

“So, uh - thanks,” you say quickly, almost mumbling.

“For what?” he asks, confused.

“For, um, getting me home safe - I don’t really remember it, but -”

He waves you off. “Oh, that - don’t worry about it. The hardest part was getting you to tell me your address,” he says, laughing. “You were wasted.”

You groan. “That’s…embarrassing.”

He smirks. “Honestly, yeah, a little bit. But most people were gone by then, so… your secret’s safe with me.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“I mean - I’m surprised you didn’t tell everybody - how I was, you know, throwing up all over your apartment, being a drunk idiot -”

Why didn’t he? It’s leverage - a way to make people lose respect for you, and gain more for him. A part of this stupid, pointless power battle you two seem to always be involved in, seeing how far you can push one another. His response is unexpected.

“You don’t actually think that little of me, do you?”

You don’t really know how to answer that.

He scoffs. “Look, it’s not my fault that you can’t hold your alcohol for shit. But, I’m not going to go around telling everyone that, okay? Christ -”

He trails off, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter. You’re welcome, though.”

You suddenly feel like a bit of an asshole - Steve is used to you throwing insults his way, but this time, it seems to have struck a chord with him.

“I was in a really bad way, wasn’t I?” you ask quietly, avoiding eye contact.

He nods. “Honestly? Yeah, it wasn’t pretty. You really don’t remember?”

You shake your head, face feeling flushed with embarrassment. He just sighs.

“What do you remember?”

You rack your brain for a moment, biting your lip absentmindedly as you think.

“Um - I remember playing Kings with everyone… and, uh…”

I remember you coming in from the porch with what’s-her-face on your arm -

“-and it gets fuzzy after that,” you say quickly.

“Oh, okay - wow, that’s pretty early on. Well, you did some shots with Eddie and Robin - you got on the kitchen table at one point ... I think you threw up over my balcony… and after that I, uh, hung out with you in the bathroom while you threw up some more, and brought you home.”

You freeze. “Wait - you babysat me, like, the whole time? I thought that was Eddie -”

“No way, Eddie was too high to help anyone. I was stone-cold sober by that point, thanks to you.”

“Oh,” you say, wishing you could sink into the floor. Steve fucking Harrington knew what you looked like keeled over a toilet and puking your guts out… dammit.

“It was pretty gnarly, but… it’s fine. Really, it’s okay.”

For maybe the first time in his life, it sounds like Steve is being sincere with you. Another beat of silence passes, then he’s clearing his throat again.

“So… you have any big plans tonight? A repeat of last weekend, maybe?” he asks casually. You furrow your brow, confused.

“Um - do you actually care?”

He shrugs. “So what if I do?”

“Well - no, after last weekend I’m not sure if I ever want to drink again -”

“The most famous lie ever told,” he cuts in, grinning. You just roll your eyes, and pretend to be interested in perusing the records as you return to flipping through the crates.

“-but it just so happens that I do have plans tonight,” you say quietly.

“Hot date?”

You scoff. “I’m going to Fuze Box. Nancy’s covering some bands for an article for the campus paper, and I figured I’d check out who's playing tonight.”

WAMC has a long-standing relationship with Fuze Box, a small music venue for local artists and college bands. A lot of students and station members play there, and shows at the Box get advertised a lot on the air. You try to go to local gigs as much as you can - though, you haven’t made as much of an effort lately, too overwhelmed by other responsibilities as station manager. Nancy’s article is a good excuse to go, for the first time all semester.

“So, you don’t know any of the bands playing tonight?” he asks, leaning against a shelf and crossing his arms.

You shake your head. “Nope - just figured I’d check it out, go in blind. Maybe I’ll even put some of the bands in my radio slot next week, if they’re selling CDs or something.”

Steve grins mischievously.

“Right - well, have fun, sweetheart.”

You roll your eyes at the nickname, and know that any semblance of an awkward peace between you two is gone - the Steve you know and love (to hate) is back. You turn to make a clever retort, but he’s gone, having stalked off to a different aisle.

You’re not sure what he’s up to, but part of you now has a sneaking suspicion that he might show up at the venue tonight just to piss you off - it’s such a Steve move.

As you go to the checkout, you do your best to shake it - after all, what’s the worst that can happen?

*****

“Thank you - we’ve been Lime of Decision - goodnight!” the lead singer shouts, a collection of hollers and applause following. The lights go up a bit, some venue staff coming out to the stage to adjust the equipment for the next band.

“Lime Of Decision is… a choice,” Nancy says, scribbling something into her notebook.

“Yeah, that’s because their name is literally meant to be a joke,” you say absentmindedly.

“What?”

“Jason, the lead singer? His ex-girlfriend is in a band called Lemon Of Choice, so it’s like…funny. I think.”

Nancy chuckles, shaking her head.

“Which band is better?”

“Definitely hers,” you say immediately.

You and Nancy both stare at each other for a moment, and break into a fit of giggles.

“I’m going to get another drink, you want anything?” she asks.

You shake your head, holding up the cup of beer you’re still nursing from the beginning of the last band’s set.

She disappears into the crowd, and you sigh, taking a drink as you once again survey the room. If Steve actually is here, you haven’t spotted him yet - maybe he decided that getting on your nerves wasn’t worth actually paying the cover at the door. Or, maybe he actually had more important plans - maybe even with that girl he was all cozy with at the party -

You stop yourself - why do you care? If anything, it should be a good thing that he doesn’t seem to be here. 

There’s two more bands left to go - you had glanced at the flier on the way in, but only recognized Lime Of Decision in the lineup. So, when Nancy returns with a new drink and the lights begin to dim again, you just hope the next band is better - it can really be hit or miss at these sorts of shows.

Darius, the radio station’s tech engineer, is emceeing the show. He steps out on stage to introduce the next band, earning a smattering of cheers and hollers thrown in his direction.

“Alright, alright everyone! Settle down - that includes you, Hagan - Jesus Christ, okay - can we give it up for the amazing bands we’ve heard so far tonight?”

You clap along with the rest of the crowd, rolling our eyes at the sound of particularly rowdy hollers from the back that you just know comes from Eddie and the rest of Corroded Coffin.

Darius’ eyes narrow.

“Dammit, Munson - when I said a month-long ban, I meant it -”

You glance back to see Eddie flipping Darius off - famously, Corroded Coffin got a temporary suspension from Fuze Box for smoking weed in the green room. But, the ban actually being enforced… not likely.

Darius rolls his eyes, struggling to get the room back on track as he taps the microphone.

“Okay, okay - everyone, can we please - if you all can shut the fuck up - okay, whatever. The next band up tonight - you guys know and love. They’re a Fuze Box favorite - and no, they are not promising anything with the name. Give it up for Free Beer!

You can’t help but laugh at the band’s name - you instinctively turn to Nancy, who is doing her best to stifle a giggle as she writes something on her notepad, squinting in the dark.

It’s during those few seconds while you’re looking away that the band takes the stage - which is why, when you glance back, you freeze as you see who’s standing front-and-center.

Steve stands at the mic stand, an electric guitar slung over his shoulders as he smiles at the crowd.

You freeze. Other band members - including Robin and Argyle, who you know all too well from the radio station - come out onto the stage behind him. But you’re just staring at Steve, dumbfounded.

You knew he had a band - scheduling them to perform on the air was always a nightmare for you, which you knew Steve did on purpose. So, you had never learned anything about them on-principle. You hadn’t heard a lick of music, didn’t know who else was in it, or even the goddamn name - until right now.

Nancy’s eyes are on you, you can feel it. You turn briefly to look at her.

“Do you want to leave?” she asks, glancing at where Steve stands on stage. You shake your head.

“God, no! I - I’m an adult, I can be in the same room as Harrington,” you say, laughing nervously. You’re not sure how much you believe yourself. She stares at you for a moment, then just nods, turning her attention back to the stage, where Steve is stepping up to the mic.

“Hey guys - we’re Free Beer. I’m Steve -”

A few feminine voices cheer from the back. Your eyes roll so far to the back of your head that you’re worried you’ll go blind.

“Thanks, ladies, love the enthusiasm. So - let’s just get into it. Ready to hear some songs?”

There’s an eruption of cheers through the audience - one of the biggest reactions of the night so far.

“Alright - this one is called ‘Closer,’ I hope you enjoy.”

From the moment he plays the first chord, something shifts in the room. The crowd becomes less rowdy, less chatty. No - everyone is really listening. Some are even singing along - how the fuck do this many people know the words? 

You want to hate it - you want the set to be something you’re tolerating, something that makes you look forward to the next band coming out. But, despite your efforts, that’s not what happens. Because the band is good. Robin is killer on bass, and Argyle is a formidable drummer, despite his perpetually laid-back persona. And Steve - it’s like he was born to do this.

Aside from having a pretty good voice, and being an excellent guitarist, he’s actually a good frontman. He’s charismatic, knows how to work the crowd, and somehow, he makes the tiny stage of the Fuze Box feel as exciting as Live Aid. 

You want to scream - of course he’s good. You catch yourself moving along to the music every now and then, and immediately stop yourself, hoping nobody sees. At one point, you swear Steve sees you. His eyes land on yours - or, at least, in your direction. You think you imagine it - it’s a big enough crowd, and you’re far enough back that he probably can’t see past the first few rows. That is, until he smirks, in the way that you know he reserves only to taunt you, to challenge you.

Fuck.

*****

You find yourself heading down the hallway after Steve’s set - you’re looking for the bathroom, shouldering through the bodies packed into the narrow passage. Part of it is because your beer has finally gone through you, and more so because you need a minute of peace and quiet, just to stare at yourself in the mirror and talk some sense into yourself. Steve’s band can’t be good - that would be a problem. If you didn’t know who was part of it, they’re the kind of band you would buy records for, keep a spare CD in your car, and even include as part of your radio show. But…it's Steve.

You had purposely never gone to any of his shows - you never listened to any in-studio sessions they did at the station, and God knows you would never ask Steve about his music. What the fuck?

Part of you also wants to smack him - of course he was performing here tonight - he looked you in the eye at the record store today, heard you were coming here tonight, and said nothing. Next time you see him, you decide, you’ll ignore him - you won’t even acknowledge that you saw him perform. If he asks, you’ll tell him you left the show early, long before he came on stage. You won’t give him the satisfaction of thinking you sat through his whole set, let alone enjoyed it.

You can’t exactly remember where the bathroom is - was it all the way at the end of the hallway? None of the doors are really labeled, which tracks for Fuze Box.

You knock on a few doors and jiggle the handles - one is an electrical closet, the other is locked and seemingly empty. You finally reach a door at the end, and give it a gentle knock - nobody responds. You try the knob, and it gives way. After shouldering your way inside, you wish you hadn’t.

Apparently, instead of the bathroom, you’ve managed to find the green room - although, to call the backstage area of the Fuze Box a green room is generous. It’s really a tiny room with a worn out couch, a cracked glass coffee table littered with ashtrays, and lighting so dim that you have to squint to figure out exactly where you are as you slip through the door.

It’s only once you’re inside, when it’s too late, that you realize you’ve walked in on Steve.

His back is turned to you, but he jumps slightly and turns when he hears the door open. He’s wiping his brow with a towel, and he grins when he sees you.

“Hey, sweetheart - wasn’t expecting to see you back here.”

You stand in the doorway awkwardly - why couldn’t the rest of his band be hanging out here with him? That way, you could throw out a blanket ‘you guys were great’ statement. But now it’s just him, staring at you, his face saying why the fuck are you here?

“Oh - sorry - I’m in the wrong room,” you say quickly, your face feeling hot as you start to back away.

“Okay - sure you are,” Steve says sarcastically.

“What does that mean?” you ask, stopping your retreat.

He shrugs. “Don’t know - you just seem to always conveniently stumble into me, don’t you sweetheart?”

“Stop calling me that.”

“Try to stop me.”

There’s a moment of silence, and you just groan with frustration, taking a few steps towards him.

“Jesus, I - I don’t know if it’s like, a weird sick game to you, or you’re just always trying to piss me off - or if you just can’t help and flirt with everyone -”

“You think I’m flirting with you?” he asks, grinning mischievously.

You stop, folding your arms in indignation.

“No - I mean, kind of, but probably as a joke - I know what you’re up to, Harrington.”

“And what exactly am I up to?”

“This bullshit you keep pulling,” you say, gesturing between you two. “This - like, always sabotaging my shit, and getting in my way - but then like, this stupid nice-guy thing, where you drive me home when I’m drunk and don’t tell anyone, but then like you trick me into watching your stupid band perform -”

He scoffs. “Trick you? Be serious -”

“You knew I’d be here tonight - you knew, and didn’t say anything -”

“Well given your track record, sweetheart, if you had known I’d be playing, I’m sure you would’ve been front row!”

You stop mid-sentence, mouth hanging open as you try to search inwardly for a reply. Your face feels hot all of a sudden.

He’s smirking now, just like he did on stage. As always, he’s too confident, too sarcastic, too Steve. He’s taken away your ability to even come up with a halfway decent retort. It pisses you off.

“I - that’s not -”

Your blood is rushing to your head, roaring in your ears, too enraged to even let you think straight anymore. You’re marching right up to him now, prodding his chest with your finger.

“I don’t like you,” you say. 

“You don’t say?” he drawls, still smiling. Why is he smiling?

“Stop doing that -”

“Doing what?” he asks, feigning innocence.

“Stop distracting me -”

“I distract you?”

You want to kick yourself.

“I - well - only because you’re so -”

“Devilishly handsome?”

“-fucking annoying.”

He cocks his head, like you’ve only mildly piqued his curiosity instead of insulted him.

You sigh. “What?”

“It’s just - you didn’t seem to find me very annoying last weekend when you tried to kiss me.”

A beat. You just stand there, jaw agape as his words hang in the air between you like smoke on a hazy summer’s day.

“That’s not funny,” you manage to say.

“Does it look like I’m laughing?”

You’re suddenly aware of how close you are to him - the next band has started outside, a distant din that should be distracting. But all you can focus on is Steve - the beads of sweat on his forehead, the way you’re close enough to smell that he had just had a cigarette.

“I didn’t -”

“Sweetheart - right before you puked your guts up in my bathroom, you tried to stick your tongue down my throat. Don’t worry - I didn’t let you. I really thought you would’ve remembered, until I saw you in the record store - then I realized you didn’t remember jack shit.”

You feel like you’re making this up. He’s just saying this to get under your skin - he must be. It’s the only explanation. Because you’d never - 

“You’re lying.”

But he’s just staring at you, and you’re starting to get the sickening suspicion that this isn’t a joke.

“You’re lying,” you repeat, though it sounds more like a question this time.

He’s taking another step towards you, shaking his head.

“You know what they say, sweetheart - in vino vesco, or whatever. You know - how people say and do what they’re really thinking when they’re drunk -”

“Veritas.”

He stops, furrowing his brow.

“I - what?”

You can’t help yourself - you just can’t.

“The phrase is in vino veritas - it means truth. I think vesco means food or something, you’re missing the whole  -”

“Shut up,” he says. “You’re always such a -”

You don’t let him finish. Instead, you’re kissing him. You don’t mean to do it, you swear - but he had gotten so close, the heat radiating off of him too much to ignore. And, he was really pissing you off - you didn’t need to hear another word out of his mouth.

You fist your hands in his t-shirt, your lips on his, messy and desperate, like you’re trying to prove a point. And he’s kissing you back.

Steve kisses the same way he argues - he’s aggressive, his hands coming up to grab your face and pull you closer. He tastes like cigarettes and cheap beer, his aura hot and desperate as it envelops you. 

The band plays out in the venue, the audience cheering and singing along - but, all you can hear is Steve’s labored breath against your lips, your own heart thudding in your chest.

The kiss was all teeth and tongue, another argument you were both desperate to win. But, right now, you’re losing. Because he’s guiding your body, and you’re responding, stepping backwards until your back is hitting the cinderblock wall.

No words are spoken, just breathy moans and the sounds of your lips moving in unison. It’s not remotely romantic - it feels more like fuck you, I’m trying so hard to hate you, why can’t you let me -

One of his hands has traveled down to your waist, gripping it firmly enough to tell you that he wanted more. You feel his hand start to move, slipping under the hem of your shirt and gently brushing the warm skin of your lower back. His hands are calloused, rough against the softness of your skin. You let him start to explore, unable to stop yourself from quietly moaning against his lips. 

You know you should stop - but you can’t. It’s addicting, the way he’s still fighting with you as his tongue enters your mouth. Is this really happening? Maybe this could’ve gone on for hours. That is, until -

The knock on the door makes you both jump, pulling apart as quickly as you had crashed together. Steve is staring at you, breathing heavily, his pupils blown and lips a bit swollen. You imagine you look similarly. He takes a step back, separately himself from where you’re still frozen against the wall.

“Yeah?” Steve calls, voice rougher than before.

“Are you decent?” a voice asks from the other side of the door, barely audible over the sound of the band currently on stage.

Steve looks like he’s fighting laughter, but he just shakes his head, back facing the doorway.

“Nope - you’re good,” he says, his eyes meeting yours again.

He doesn’t need to say it - the look he’s shooting your way is enough.

Not a word.

Robin enters, grinning.

“Hey, we were just going to - oh, hi.”

She’s spotted you, and you just know she has questions.

“Hey, Robin,” you say quietly. “I, uh - I was looking for the bathroom. Ended up in here - I was just telling Steve how much I liked your set.”

Robin beams. “Thanks! It’s fun to see that you came out - haven’t seen you at a gig in a while!”

You nod. “Oh, yeah - I’ve been trying to get myself out there more -”

Steve scoffs, and you want to slap him. If Robin notices, she doesn’t say anything.

“- but, um - I should go.”

Robin nods. 

“Yeah - I was just coming to find Steve, we’re all going to head to WT’s for a drink - uh, do you want to come?”

She’s probably just being polite. But, you shake your head vigorously.

“No, I’m good - sounds like it’s a band thing. I should get going anyway - I’ll catch the end of this set,” you say, gesturing towards the sound of the band on stage echoing from down the hall. You still haven’t made eye contact with Steve, not since Robin entered the room. So, you just give her a curt nod, and do everything in your power to head out the door without looking like you’re bolting.  You’re screwed.

author's note: thanks for your patience y'all! I'm going away to Ireland on a work trip for about 3 weeks starting tomorrow, so I'm hoping to do some writing while I'm there, but no promises! As always, reblogs and likes are appreciated!

[cerullos]

mid-year book freakout

tagged by @sapphicscience

number of books you’ve read so far: 57, i set my reading goal for 25 this year hoping it would push me to take my time with each book & be more reflective but then the unemployment hit and i got a little manic

best book you’ve read so far in 2024: poor deer by claire oshetsky is probably my sentimental fav so far! objectively the best were the spear cuts through water by simon jimenez and kindred by octavia butler both of which completely blew me away.

best sequel you’ve read so far in 2024: i very rarely read sequels, i think the only series i’ve read this year are dungeon meshi and beastars. i did read the first installments of dune, interview with the vampire (reread…shut up lmao) and the tainted cup by robert jackson bennett and will probably continue with all three!

new release you haven’t read yet but want to: i’ve had sociopath: a memoir by patrick gagne on hold at the library for months now, so that one comes to mind lol also really interested in picking up craft: stories i wrote for the devil by amanda lima, the haar by david sodergren, little rot by akwaeke emezi and private rites by julia armfield!

most anticipated release for the second half of the year: excited for the new charlotte mcconaghy, wild dark shore! honestly after migrations i’d pay to read her grocery list. also looking forward to hum by helen phillips (i loved the need, also by her!)

biggest surprise: this may just be recency bias but i picked up a good happy girl by marissa higgins not expecting to feel too strongly about it and wow, i felt seen (derogatory) lmao strongly recommend to all lesbians with dad and/or grandma trauma and a penchant for emotional self-sabotage ✌️

favorite new author (debut or new to you): so many! for a few not mentioned above: adora nworah, layla martínez, jennifer marie thorn, neil sharpson and andrew joseph white!

newest fictional crush: oh absolutely catherine from a good happy girl lol the second coming of lydia tár. etain larkin from knock knock, open wide is also up there (final girl turned shitty bitter traumatized mother? obsessed obsessed obsessed with her)

books that made you cry: i’m a robot, i don’t cry over media, i’m sorry! ducks: two years in the oil sands by kate beaton did make me a little misty.

most beautiful books you’ve bought so far this year (or received): working at the public library (and also having no money <\3) has sadly cured me of my compulsive book-buying habit ): i did buy a few physical volumes of dungeon meshi and all of them are gorgeous.

books that made you happy: again, dungeon meshi! & i had a really great time with the tainted cup by robert jackson bennett (fantasy + page-turning mystery with the most endearing cast of characters!) also found come and get it by kiley reid to be oddly delightful despite dealing with some pretty heavy topics.

what books do you need to read by the end of the year?: i’d like to finish emily wilson’s translations of the iliad and the odyssey. also parable of the sower by octavia butler, butter honey pig bread by francesca ekwuyasi and the first installment in the earthsea cycle by ursula k. le guin (all of which have been on my tbr for ages)

tagging @dykes4knights, @strangesmallbard, @thefinalpaperheart, @nicollekidman, @raffaella-cerullo, @jonismitchell , @tennesseewillams , @khukri and whoever else wants to do it!

[polaroidcats]

I assume that you have emotional attachments to objects (because of the print you love) and so have a favourite book which you know you will never read again but can’t throw out (and what is it if I’m right?) ❤️❤️

Hi Rory!!! 💖

oh wow everyone is nailing it with these, you are so, so correct!!!!

My inability to get rid of things I have emotional attachments to definitely applies to books, here is an incomplete list of books I will likely never even read or reread but also will never be able to give away:

My Gregor the Overlander books!! I knew Suzanne Collins mostly from these books and when Hunger Games came out/became popular I tried to tell all my friends about this series because I loved it so much when I was 10-12 years old!! And my first internet name was "Boots" because of the younger sister in that book, I loved her so much. And I don't see myself rereading them anytime soon but I have so many fond memories of absolutely devouring and rererererereading them as a preteen so they will stay forever!

"Die Geschwister Apraksin" by Karla Schneider, this was also one of my fave books when I was around 12-13, I don't remember much, except that it was about 5 orphaned siblings during or after the Russian revolution, and it absolutely broke my heart and I cried more than I had ever cried before when reading a book. I don't even think it was a particularly sad book, I think it just made me very emotional for some reason, to imagine these kids' lives and their struggles. And I read it as part of my local bookstore's initiative where they let kids borrow and read the advanced reader copies of books, and then we wrote little reviews that would get posted on a pinboard at the store. So when I had to give the book back (in order to borrow a new book, it was like a little library system within the bookstore), I immediately asked the bookseller if they had the book in stock because I wanted to buy it with my pocket money, but they only had the paperback and (again) I had gotten so attached to the hardback one and the bookseller could tell how much the book meant to me so she just gifted me the copy I had just returned, the one I read, and that meant so much to me, to get to keep the physical copy that I actually read and not have to buy a new version.

Herzen, Hände und Stimmen by Ian McDonald - I have never read this book, idek what it's about but from the book cover I assume it's scifi. I did an exchange semester in France as a teenager, and my host family didn't speak any german but somehow they got this random (thrifted) german book and they gave it to me bc I speak german. And I've never been that much into scifi but the gesture was so sweet and I have so many nice memories of my time with them, so even though I will probably never read that book I will also never give it away.

A complete translation from Vergils Aeneid with the latin and german text side by side. I did Latin in school, and for our final exams we all had to pick one specialized subject we would have an oral exam on, and my specialized subject in Latin class was the 6th book of the Aeneid, so even though I barely remember any Latin and will definitely not reread that for fun, I enjoyed it back in the day and will never get rid of that book.

I have a book on erotic dream interpretation, idk if that fully counts into this category, but my friend and I saw it when my uni library (!!) had a thrift sale of their old books, and that book was so hilarious, I had to get it and then for a while whenever I had people come over to my flat to pregame I would ask them about their dreams and would then very professionally interpret them with my book. This one might not fully count bc I'm not ruling out that I will never do that again but I haven't looked at it in a long time but would never get rid of it because it's too iconic haha

Okay this got way too long so I'm stopping now, but yeah hahaha you were so correct with this one 😂

make an assumption about me!

[lululeighsworld]

Friendship is Evergreen

Summary:

“Y/N, are you there?” Ashe calls out, a hint of concern in his voice, “I have that book you wanted to read! Is now an inconvenient time?”

Clutching the shoulder strap of his bag, he looks from left to right to see if he recognizes anyone nearby—but the courtyard outside this area of the dorms is silent, save for the occasional rustle in the bushes from the monastery’s resident cats and dogs. There is no one here but him, and, he hopes, his friend who is waiting on the other side of the door.

Notes:

Happy holidays @fiction-box! I was your Secret Santa for @nagamas this year! You can find your gift fic below, under the readmore -- I had a lot of fun with it, and thank you for the lovely prompts!

Tags:

FE3H Academy Phase, Physical Hurt, Comfort, Kidnapping, Books, Knights and Chivalry, Ashe/Female!Reader, Y/N stands for “Your Name”, Written in Third Person

Word count: 2,281 now on ao3

During the first few weeks of the semester, Ashe hadn’t thought much of his classmate who always seemed to have her nose buried in a book, marking her page with a simple black bookmark and tucking the book away for safekeeping like clockwork moments before their professor’s lecture began. She was quiet, and unlike some of the others in his class, she did not call much attention to herself.

That was until she grabbed a book out from under his nose a few months later in the library.

“Excuse me!” Ashe exclaims, unusual for him. For weeks he had been waiting patiently for the most recent installment of Evergreens and Chivalry to be available at Garreg Mach’s library, eager to finally read what had become of the heroic knight after he had learned the truth of his allegiances at the conclusion of the previous novel. He was out of pocket money to spare for the moment, and so rather than buying the newest book from one of the vendors at the marketplace, he had been relying on the library to secure a copy that he could finally borrow and read in his own time.

Needless to say, Ashe’s tone of voice made it abruptly, and, even if it was beyond his intention, displeasingly known that he had grown a tad frustrated to see someone else had thought of the same idea as him.

“Hmm?” is all the reply he initially thinks he will receive, her hands wrapping around the spine of the book as she pulls it from the shelf. “Oh! We’re in the same class, aren’t we? Your name is Ashe, right?”

Her genuine curiosity catches him off guard, annoyance quickly dissolving as she holds out the book to him.

“I took this from you. In my eagerness, I didn’t see that you were also reaching for it.”

“You also like Evergreens and Chivalry?” Ashe asks, and his classmate affirms with a quick nod.

“I’ve been reading since the first book in the series was published. I was left waiting on my toes—”

“—to see what the hero would do after discovering the truth about his liege!” Ashe finishes her thought, and the pair bursts into laughter. A curt “Sshhh!” comes from somewhere across the library, reminding them, in their excitement, of where they are.

“Here, you read it first,” she speaks in a quieter voice, offering the book to him. Ashe pushes it back in her hands, insistent that she be the first to borrow it.

“Just make sure not to spoil any of the story for me until I have the chance to finish it, okay?”

It’s nice, to make a friend through a shared passion, enthusiastically discussing their favourite parts of the series while seated at the meal hall and as they walk back to their dorm rooms after classes have concluded for the day. As spring turns to summer, and summer all too quickly transitions to fall, news reaches their ears that a special edition novel will be published for Evergreens and Chivalry, accompanied with illustrations as the first book in the series receives a limited-run print.

Combining their spending money to afford the last copy the local merchant has to sell, Ashe wins the rock, paper, scissors bet they hold to determine who will get to read the novel first. He assures Y/N that he will read it as fast as possible, in between completing assignments for their professor and studying for exams, and that he’ll wait for her to enjoy the story too before jumping to discussions of what he thought about the new edition.

The first few nights of the Horsebow Moon come to a close by the time Ashe finishes reading the book, staying up far later into the evenings than he should so that Y/N can have her turn with it before exam season is upon them. Before departing for class, he marvels at his favourite illustrations one last time that morning he plans to hand it over, and tucks the book into his satchel as he heads out for the day.

Except, as he passes through the large oak doors of the classroom, Y/N isn’t there, her seat oddly empty when she had made such a habit of always arriving before him. Ashe does not think much of it as the professor takes their place at the front of the classroom and begins their lecture after taking attendance. He places all his attention on the lesson, losing himself in his notes as Byleth explains the intricacies of a strong battle formation when enemies were surrounding the party from all sides. 

“Maybe she’s not feeling well,” Ashe thinks, glancing over to her vacant seat during a moment of downtime from Byleth’s instruction, “Maybe she’s busy running an errand and lost track of time…” 

It doesn't dawn on him again that he still hasn't seen Y/N all day until supper time, when he reaches into his bag to retrieve a book while he’s sitting towards the back of the dining hall. Looking into his bag, his eyes land on the spine of the first edition of Evergreens and Chivalry, the swirling ornate details in blues, greens, and silvers reminding him of how excited he was to give her the book hours earlier. The colours call to mind one particular illustration, one that he had been so eager to see as he read the special edition as it was from one of Y/N’s favourite scenes that she always came back to during their discussions. 

Ashe eats his stew with slightly less enthusiasm than usual. He hopes what’s been keeping his friend away all day is only a terrible cold, rather than some worse situation, as he makes his way to her quarters.

His knuckles rasp politely against the door of Y/N's dorm room, waiting patiently for a response so that he may enter. A cat sleeping in a nearby plant pot catches his eye, cozy and warm as it snoozes away in the setting sun. Ashe closes the distance and begins to scratch behind its ears, and still, by the time he has finished, he's heard no response from the other side of the door.

He knocks a little harder the second time, thinking that perhaps she didn’t hear the first. Again, there’s no response nor indication that she’s currently in her room.

“Y/N, are you there?” Ashe calls out, a hint of concern in his voice, “I have that book you wanted to read! Is now an inconvenient time?”

Clutching the shoulder strap of his bag, he looks from left to right to see if he recognizes anyone nearby—but the courtyard outside this area of the dorms is silent, save for the occasional rustle in the bushes from the monastery’s resident cats and dogs. There is no one here but him, and, he hopes, his friend who is waiting on the other side of the door.

“Please forgive me,” Ashe whispers under his breath, “Y/N, I’m coming in!”

He feels bad doing it, a pang of guilt rushing across his chest as his hand finds the knob and turns it to unlatch the door. The fact that it is unlocked does not register as a warning signal until he’s pushed it open to reveal the disaster that befalls his eyes.

There’s clear evidence of a struggle, between the countless books strewn over every surface of the room and the clear defense that was put up by the sight of the desk chair toppled over, legs broken and splintered. Stepping a few more feet inside, Ashe notices dried blood along the carpet, the faint traces of it leading up over the wooden shelving and continuing to the one broken window, smashed with enough force to litter the room with the dangerous glass shards. The evidence trail ends there, as Ashe finds no footsteps left outside the window, and no clues as to who may have trespassed into his friend’s room.

Ashe’s heart drops into his stomach as he recalls what Mercedes and Annette had been whispering about at the back of the classroom a few days ago, rumours of a treacherous figure donned in the attire of a reaper kidnapping students in the midst of the night. He had thought it was merely one of Mercedes' ghost stories she had attempted to scare Annette with, and any passersby who overheard the ghastly details.

Now, as Y/N’s absence, the state of the room, and the rumours all come together before Ashe’s very eyes, he can do nothing but accept the horrible truth that the most recent victim was his friend.

He bolts from the room, hoping to find a faculty member before they all disappear to their quarters for the evening, grasping his bag to his side as he pushes himself to run harder than he’s ever needed to during battle.

Three distraught weeks later, filled with further kidnappings and a shocking discovery on behalf of Manuela, they do find Y/N, along with others, unconscious in the underground chamber. Thankfully, the rescue mission is a success following the retreat of the Death Knight, with no fatalities recorded. For the first time in a month, faculty members and students alike are able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Ashe still feels like he’s holding his when he makes his way to the infirmary a few days later, collecting himself in the hallway before turning the corner into the room. At the moment, it’s only Y/N and one other student currently on bed rest, the one he doesn’t recognize is sleeping on the far side of the room.

Y/N smiles when she notices he’s in the doorway, and to see her again—not bruised and fatigued, but with a look of cheer in her eyes—helps calm his nerves, at least a little.

“Hey,” he waves, quietly approaching Y/N’s bedside. “Is now a good time?”

She nods, and he takes up the chair at her bedside, bringing his satchel to sit in his lap as she rearranges herself on her hospital cot.

“I heard through the grapevine that you were the one to find me—I mean the fact that I was kidnapped,” she begins, looking at Ashe in earnest. She didn’t see the point in small talk; she was tired of answering the faculty members’ questions over the last three days. Now that her head was a bit less foggy, and after restless nights with very little sleep, she had had some time to think over exactly what she wanted to say, so long as her friend stopped by.

And he had.

“Thank you,” she tells Ashe, hoping her tone conveys her gratitude. “If it weren’t for you, my kidnapping might have been overlooked for much longer.”

“No apology is necessary. I was just doing what a good friend should: keeping an eye out for you because something about that day felt off to me, once I realized it.”

She raises an inquisitive eyebrow, prompting Ashe to continue. He pulls his bag open and retrieves the copy of Evergreens and Chivalry that they had brought together, still in pristine condition.

“I was planning to give it to you that morning in class, as I had finished it the night before. But you weren’t there—you weren’t anywhere that day, and by the time evening rolled around I figured I should stop by, just to see if you were sick or something. Please forgive me for entering your room without permission!”

She laughs, one of those full-hearty ones, “Ashe, that’s the least of my worries. Had you not, you never would have discovered my disappearance.”

“That’s true…” he mulls over it, breathing a sigh of relief. His eyes fall to the cover of the book, decorated in the same blues, greens, and silvers that embellish the spine. He wonders what maybe would have happened if he hadn't finished reading the book that night, but the brush of her hand against his pulls him away from sinking too deep into those thoughts. She’s admiring the cover, tracing her finger over the ornate details of the evergreen boughs.

“Would you like to read it now? The book’s all yours since I already finished reading it.”

“Can you read some of it to me?” she requests, pushing the book into his hands before turning herself onto her side as her head lies comfortably on the pillows. “I’m still finding it difficult to focus my attention for certain tasks.”

A smile spreads across Ashe’s face in delight, scooting his chair closer to the edge of her bed so that she doesn’t miss a word as he begins. He narrates the story in as best of a show as he can, stopping to show her the illustrations in between. They stay together like that well into the night, completely forgetting about going to bed at a reasonable time.

“You’ll never believe what’s on the next page,” Ashe breaks out of his narrator’s voice, turning the page to show his friend the illustration for her favourite scene. When she doesn’t react, he grows nervous, worried that perhaps she didn’t like what she saw. He breathes a sigh of relief as he looks over to her, finding her asleep in her bed, curled up to the very edge. Quietly, he blows out the candle at her bedside, leaving the book on the small nightstand after placing the ribbon bookmark in between the pages.

“We can finish it tomorrow,” he tells her, pulling the blankets up over her shoulders so that she wouldn’t catch a cold amongst the chilly autumn air, “Sweet dreams, my friend.”

divider by Firefly Graphics

[echoes-lighthouse]

Something that amuses me is the fact that I’m not caught up on literally any of my fictional others’ source material! 

This is a brief study of where I left every single media (and why): 

these are my personal experiences and i certainly don’t judge anyone for not sharing them or for enjoying a plot twist/plot arc that i disliked! 

BNHA (anime)- I watched to the end of season 4 and never picked up the next season: I was getting tired of suppressing my emotions about the whole hero/police parallel issues and just decided the fanfiction would be more fulfilling than the actual story. 

Homestuck- I read the original webcomic to the end, but I abandoned HS2 like a hot potato and refused to touch the whole franchise for a year and a half: it was such a bitter piece of writing, mocking the fandom and erasing the progress most of the characters had made in their original arcs, and I don’t know that I’ll ever fully forgive the creators for it. 

Magic School Bus- I read most of the books when I was a kid, but I never watched the TV show! I was one of those 90s kids who didn’t have cable, and I’m not sure I’ve read ALL of the books: it’s been a while for most of them, though I do have 2 still on my bookshelf 

TMA- I always preferred the oneshot horror story part of The Magnus Archives, so I started to get pretty burned out around season 3, but I kept going until season 5! Season 5 tends to be less stories and more horror-themed poetry/abstract concepts, so I just didn’t.... bother? But I’m glad people who enjoyed the plot aspects seem to have liked the ending! 

Critical Role- uhhhhh I’ll get back to this some day! I’m thinking of starting Campaign 2 from the beginning again? The stakes just got too high and I didn’t love what the group was doing, and it just got stressful instead of fun... but some early-days episodes might get me hooked again! 

Rick and Morty- I have to consume this show at a bit of a snail’s pace because the abuse and alcoholism can really get under my skin. I just recently started Season 5 and I’m working at it slowly. 

(secondary F/O sources under ‘read more’ so I don’t flood dashboards!) 

Black Butler- I did watch the whole anime but I was honestly more into the manga, which is still running! I read until I was caught up in 2015, but I just haven’t gone back into the fandom since then, although I still lovingly stroke the spines in every bookshop: maybe I should make an effort to get the new volumes from the library! 

Welcome To Night Vale- I listened to the first hundred episodes! Actually, the first 121, but it was more and more multi-episode arcs and I wasn’t into it, so I let it go. I need to go back and catch up on my Kevin dearest’s arc though :) 

Danganronpa- I was watching the Game Grumps playthrough and I finished the first game with them, but they were super halfhearted about the second game, so I only watched one trial, and now I’m waiting to have enough money to buy and play games 2 and 3 for myself! 

Mary Poppins- okay this might be an exception BUT I haven’t read the original books! 

Nightmare Before Christmas- a second exception BUT I heard terrible things about the new book so I decided not to read it! Does that count? 

Sandman- I’ve read the comics fully, including the follow-up comics after the initial run. However, I have NOT watched the TV show: Death looks great but I can’t get over how much they butchered Dream and I just can’t bear to watch any of the scenes with him in it, and he’s the heart of the damn series so it doesn’t feel worth it 

American Horror Story- I watched a few full seasons but got a bit tired with the ‘in your face’ style of horror in each season, and categorically refused to watch the Coven season for ‘raised pagan’ reasons. I watched House, Asylum, Freak Show, Cult, and Roanoke, but I really only enjoyed House and Asylum as full stories. 

And that’s the story of why I’m not caught up on any of my f/o’s origin medias! Thanks for reading to the bottom, it’s something I’m quite insecure about (like I don’t love them enough if I haven’t finished the original media for their sake) so I decided to write about it in a fun way! 

[kaleb-is-definitely-sane]

hardback or paperback: Hardback! Paperbacks break sooo easily and it’s annoying. 2 of my bibles no longer have faces. It’s ridiculous.

Borrow or buy: Buy. As much as I love libraries and think that we must do whatever we can to keep them open, i personally prefer to buy. I can’t be held responsible if i want to annotate or if my demonic angelic sisters rip a page,

fantasy or sci-fi: Fantasy 100%! Give me magic and foreign countries and magical politics and magic folks vs non-magic folks

love-triangle or love at first sight: Love at first sight. We do we need to pit women/men against each other. Have 2 people fall in love, deny it, and get pushed together by those around them (yes, i just read Much Ado About Nothing)

Wall shelves or bookcases: BOTH! I unfortunately have a (singular, one) bookshelf that my mom some how thought would be big enough. Like i told her i would help build it in order to assure it was big enough. But alas we haven’t reached that stage yet.

Bad plot with good characters or good plot with bad characters: I could care less about the plot. I love PJO. Not for the plot (though it is fantastic) but for the characters. How they interact. The themes they bring to the table. Make me fall in love with the characters i’ll stay for anything

Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: I have to go with PJO (srry Kate). It’s just funnier and the themes just strike me personally much harder.

Booklr or Bookstagram: Booklr. Tumblr is the only socials i have (does goodreads count 😂).

Contemporaries or Fantasy:

English books or books in your native language: My native language is english soo… 😂. I would like to read everybook in it’s authors original language tho.

Buy in a bookshop or buy online: Practically online is better. But if you’re a bibliophile you are (shockingly) definitely not practical! People think booklovers are these hyper smart, practical, sense (rather than sensibility) people but it’s quite the opposite. We’re emotional wrecks! The linger we live the more we know we’ll never know love or contentment cause we simply require too much. And we’😂 That’s a post all in it’s self. But yeah im definitely a bookstore person. I go in the store and I’m suddenly on a quest, sent by some benevolent ruler to find a book waste spend too much money on books and return home to please the ruler (myself) by reading rather than eating/sleeping/doing literally anything

amazon or book depository: Book depository

buy because of the cover or because of the description: Description. I go on goodreads. Read description. Read review and then i go to find the book. Never am I concerned about the cover. In fact i try to avoid thinking about it at all lest i chicken out cause i fear being made fun of for buying a book with flowers and women on it (i speak of little women. I saw this super cute cover with 4 girls and a floral design but i was scared of being made fun of and didn’t get it. I’m still ashamed.

Alphabetical shelves or colour coordinated: Neither! Organized by favorites.

different sized books or matching sizes: I prefer matching sizes cause if everything in my room will be a mess at least my bookshelf can be straight but alas… that’s not happening 😂

wait to marathon a series or read as they’re released 

movie or tv adaptations: TV always TV. Every (1 or 2) Chapter = Episode.

zombies or vampires: When you get to the core of it (and the origins of their mythologies they’re both sympathetic. Zombies had their spirits/souls taken captive by evil voodoo sorcerers (think The Shadow Man from Princess and Frog) and were made slaves. Devoid of an afterlife in heaven or hell. But whereas human slaves can die to escape. Zombies couldn’t die. And thus not even death — the great equalizer — can save them. Vampires meanwhile are immortal meaning they make themselves “heartless” in order to avoid getting heartbroken. Falling in love, befriending for year after year, age after age, watching them die time and time again. Immortality (on earth not in heaven) is truly a curse.

Reading indoors or outdoors: I mostly read indoors but i love to read outdoors as well. As long as it’s not cold. Which it usually isn’t (cause i live in the South) but strangely — or i suppose not so strangely #global warming — the weather has been getting colder and the rain has been weird so i’ll be inside.

coffee or tea: I drink water, darling.

bookmarks or random objects to mark your page: Why would i soend money on bookmarks (a mistake i made a few years ago) when im too lazy to use them anyway! Is that a sticker/phone/other book/pillow/pencil/pen/charger/acorn/string/leaf (♥️)? No its a bookmark

dog-earing or bookmarks: Bookmarks 🔖 ♥️

Be your favourite character or be their best friend: Be their best friend for sure!

physical or e-book: Physical all the way ♥️

Read in bed or on a chair: Anywhere. In a box. With a fox. In a chair. With sky blue hair. On a train. In the rain. In my bed. Receiving… uhhh… nvm

audiobook or ebook: Ebook

series or stand-alones: Series! It motivates me to read and it motivates me to dive deeper into a story.

Reading in the winter or reading in the summer: Probably winter. It’s colder so i can just stay in, cuddle, bundle, and read

@princess-paramour id don’t know why tumblr is heing stupid fkr me right now but i couldn’t post your ask so here it is

[layingeggs]

I believe that there's been an overall upward trend in expenses.

Maybe new triple a games in north america have always been expensive. But there are various other factors. Like controllers being fairly affordable with saved up lunch money so you play some Smash Bros with friends. Compared to now with the overpriced and overly fragile joycons.

Or how there's been a big boom of phone and tablet gaming at the same time that phones started being made to last a year before needing replacement, instead of lasting upward of a decade.

Or how when we were kids, it was often the case that there was a very expensive console that was marketed more to 'real gamers' and a more affordable 'kiddie' console. Whereas now, the only real affordable "console" is a phone, and that has aforementioned issue of being built to break in a year.

Or how ninty used to have a home console and a cheaper portable console. The switch is a strange thing that makes home console gaming more accessbile and portable gaming less accessible, taking away those options.

And further to that, I do believe that it used to be the case that game retailers had more freedom with determining prices of games in trade ins and pre owned sales.

I have a very vivid and clear childhood memory of seeing Soul Calibur 2, and thinking that it looked interesting. (Having never played an entry in the series before.) But what really tantalised me was that whenever I looked at the pre owned prices, it was always still in the 30s and 20s from its original retail price of 39.99. I would regularly scope around the shops, waiting for that price to drop below £20. It always sat easy at £20.99.

One day, it finally dropped to £6.99. I was deeply pleased with this development. I bought the game and played it thoroughly. Keeping my copy of the receipt inside the game box next to the manual, because I felt that satisfied on having caught its price drop.

All this before Soul Calibur 3 even released. And this stands out so clearly to me as a memory, and the price of Soul Calibur 2 was so significant to me as a kid, because I was so used to games immediately being affordable pre owned. I was so used to the prices falling within 'save up your lunch money' range, even if they were triple a and recent releases. It was a rare and notable thing if they continued to stay expensive.

Today, that's unthinkable. Even trying to buy old pre owned 3DS games now, they're all still close to original retail price. Especially mainline nintendo games.

And further to this point, of how kids actually acquire games. I do wonder if direct trading between kids is as much of a thing anymore. As a child, I remember frequently borrowing and lending games, straight up just giving them to friends when I felt I'd played enough of them, selling a game for a fiver or buying a game from a friend for a fiver.

Can children today do that as much now, if they know that the trade in value for a game in a shop can be nearly 60 quid? Or if half of their library is digital downloads instead?

I suppose one silver lining is that digital downloads can't be knicked by that one friend who knicks your games.

Still, I do think that gaming is getting more expensive.

this is stupid but I genuinely worry that kids ARE being priced out of video games like. totk is heavily sanitized to maintain a particular rating that often works against itself but like, I struggle to imagine the kid who's approaching their parents like "one hundred dollars for a video game please" my biggest gaming triumph was in high school when my parents bought us an xbox 360 and one game. we got the wii as it was going out of style and played primarily gamecube games on it, and even back then to buy a new gamecube game or a DS game was a twenty dollar endeavour. what kind of slideshow does a ten year old have to present in order to convince their parents to drop a hundie on legend of zelda.

[cdevroe]

My next computing setup

The idea of trying to paint the full picture of my computing needs exhausts me for some unknown reason. Even this short post has been a chore. But I thought it important to get some of my thoughts down because it helps me to clarify my own thinking and will hopefully help me make some decisions. And I would love it if you commented via my website, on Mastodon or Micro.blog or email or USPS.

The main issue is that it just so happens that I find myself at a time where I have a 5+ year old Intel-based MacBook Pro, an 8 year old iPad Pro, and a 4+ year old iPhone 12 Pro Max.

All of these devices are currently working fine, their software is up-to-date, and except for the MacBook Pro – their batteries are in very good shape. (The MacBook Pro has never had great battery life.)

One could say that I do not need to upgrade any of these devices just yet. I could likely hold out another year. But Apple has made it plain that the M-series chipset has their full attention. There are apps from the App Store that will not run on my Intel-based Mac (the iOS/iPad OS apps). The upcoming Apple Intelligence features will not be available for any of my current devices.

To add to the incentive, I’ve had a good year financially. I could use an expense or two to write-off before the end of the year. In fact, based on my math, I think I’ll want a fairly big expense if possible. (Try as I might, I’m having a hard time understanding exactly how much I should be trying to write-off.)

So, let’s just say that I’ve decided I should upgrade one or all of my computing devices before the end of the year. What should I buy?

I work at my desk about 98% of the time. In over 20-years of using a laptop as my primary computing device, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve used it on my lap. I have had years of more mobile work – going into coworking spaces or working both at home and an office – and years where I’m only at home. Currently I work almost exclusively in my home office connected to a display.

My main computing tasks are programming, graphic, video, and photo editing, and most recently running local LLMs.

I’m wrestling with the following questions:

Since I work from home, should I switch to a desktop computer?

For the few times per year that I travel, should I keep my current MacBook Pro or should I trade up to an M-series laptop for compatibility reasons? This way I’d have both a desktop and laptop computer.

For years I’ve not had enough internal storage to have my ever growing photo library (~1TB as of this writing) on-device, should I finally buy more enough to do so?

Am I kidding myself that I feel like I need to max out whatever device I buy for what I do day-to-day? Perhaps I only need a relatively inexpensive laptop and I’d be fine?

My strategy when buying new work hardware is to buy as much computing power as I can reasonably afford and then don’t think about it for about 5 years. This strategy works and it helps me mentally when I consider the price tag.

For instance, if I price out a maxed out Mac Studio today (with an M3 chipset, not an M4 like I would likely wait for) it comes to around $8000+ USD. Which, likely seems like a lot of money to many but it really isn’t. I use my computer for 12-hours a day nearly every workday. Over a 5 year period it is only $1,600 a year. Or $6 per workday. Ask any business owner if $1,600 a year in expenses is a lot – I assure you that being a computer programmer is likely the least expensive profession known to humankind. For context my 16-inch Intel-based MacBook Pro was about $4200 USD.

But then $8000+ wouldn’t be my only expense. A new iPhone 16 Pro Max and iPad Pro would bump it up to well over $10000 USD. Still, in my opinion, not a lot over a 5 year time span.

Stay with me here.

But then I circle back to the last of my six questions above; do I really need this much compute? Or can I get away with far less? Should I just buy a used M3-based laptop and see if that would be plenty? Should I keep what I currently have until they don’t work at all? Should I go all-out?

I have no idea!

I’m leaving the comments open on this post because I genuinely wonder what all of you think I should do.

[kiaminiplays]

get to know a simmer tag

no one tagged me but I figured it would be a nice lil introduction to me so i'm doing it anyways <3

1. Whats your favorite sims death?

Probably by laughter just because of the shock value I get cause I always forget sims can die that way lmao.

2. Alpha cc or mm?

Baby, I'm mixing everythinggggg. Sticking to just one thing has never been me and why not have the best of both worlds?

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight?

No. It's never been that serious. It's just another way for story-telling like seeing my sims gain happy relationship weight, etc.

4. Do you use move objects ?

I wouldn't ever play this game if it didn't exist lol

5. Favorite mod?

Lumpinou's mods are literally phenomenal, I also like Wicked/Wonderful Whims for the attraction system and the buffs/pop-ups. Other than that, I like the newer self care mods that are coming out like the functional clutter kit by Cepzid, etc.

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got?

I'm pretty sure it was Seasons. Which, duh?

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing?

LIVing, the other way feels awkward to me but hearing it either way doesn't bother me.

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? 

Currently a celebrity sim I made for an upcoming gameplay series, my god, I snapped lmao. keep a lookouttttt

9. Have you made a simself? 

I have....attempted. It freaks me out cause I forget what I look like lmfaooo

10. What sim traits do you give yourself? 

I always have the More Traits in CAS mod sooo: loner (introverted), creative, hates children (don't come for me, I'm team ftk lmao), geek, book lover

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color? 

The new true black they added awhile ago. I always hated that blue-black swatch with a burning passion lol or the new platinum blonde

12. Favorite EA hair? 

Baby I couldn't name one cause I never use them lmao. The waves they added for the guys is pretty cute though

13. Favorite life stage? 

Young adult for sureeeee. Adult too, I guess, considering there's really no difference between the two at the moment.

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? 

I'm a CAS creature, ngl. But I enjoy playing all three.

15. Are you a CC creator? 

Nope. My brain cells cannot compute it lmao. I wish I was!

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? 

Also nope! But it's legit my third day out here so I'm not pressed. Excited to make some in the future!!

17. What’s your favorite game? (1, 2, 3, or 4) 

4.....put the pitchforks and torches downnnn! I do have 3, but I hardly play it.

18. Do you have any sims merch? 

No, and will never buy any <3 EA has enough of my coin

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims? 

I do! It's kiaminiplays as well and just kiamini on Tiktok/the gallery. The content is coming soon!

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing? 

Chileeeeeee. I've been doing makeovers from sims I had in my library in the beginning and. the horror. omfg. But before I used to only be an Alpha girlie and now I use both so my sims can look cohesive with the game. I'm too lazy to make a save file all alpha.

Other than that, I love seeing sims have individual styles and be diverse so I try to make them each different and same thing for my builds.

21. Who’s your favorite CC creator? 

Wish I could list everyone, but heres some I don't think I could live without lol:

camuflaje, ceeproductions, gorillax3, greenllamas, jius, joancampbell, khadijah551, madlen, northernsiberiawinds, okruee, sheabuttyr, serenity, sentate and so much more.

22. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far? 

City living, hands down. I can't remember any save where my sims haven't lived there for a bit. So now that we can edit the windows I'm obsessed all over again. I think For Rent might eventually give CL a run for its money just because we can create our own rental lots now.

[butwhyduh]

Fit to be Tied

Jason Todd x reader

Warning: Christmas? And the f word.

Christmas series 2

Jason didn’t pay much attention to holidays. Nope. That was for the living. He didn’t have much of need for it. But he did know that Christmas was quiet and New Years was busy for patrol. He guessed everyone ate Christmas dinner and and then got bored of playing nice. Or maybe that just wanted to start the new year with a big ass bang. Who knows?

Even when he was a kid, he didn’t celebrate the holidays. Too poor, mom too lost in drugs, and dad? Well fuck him. He was a piece of shit when he was around.

Jason kicked a beer can out of his way into the pile of trash on the sidewalk. They didn’t get the trash again this week it looked like. Daddy Bruce could play bat but couldn’t throw his money around enough to keep trash from piling on the street.

It was fine. He had more important things to do anyways. He had to buy a Christmas present. He didn’t care for the holidays but the sweet girl he had at home was a doll and fuck, if she didn’t deserve something. So Jason went down to the local pawn shop. Usually not a problem but it was 2 AM. Not exactly prime business hours.

So yes, Red Hood was breaking into a pawn shop to get a bracelet. He was leaving cash, $20 over the cost too. It was something you had seen earlier in the week and had admired. Gems of some kind shaped to look like a butterfly. You’d taken a minute longer to stare at it.

He left as quick as he came. And it wasn’t long until he was opening the window of your apartment dressed in street clothes. You were asleep. Jason had used the excuse of patrol to get out. But in the early morning hours of Christmas, he wanted to wake you.

“Princess,” he said gently. You moved a little before opening your eyes. You smiled up at him. Fuck, he didn’t deserve the way you looked at him. Your eyes looked so innocent and sweet. You never looked at him like he scared you.

“Jaybird, what’s going on?”

“I got you something for Christmas and it’s technically Christmas..” he said pulling out the box. You sat up, curious.

“It’s Christmas Eve. You got me something? I didn’t think we were- I didn’t get anything. I couldn’t-“ you said turning red. Money was too tight to consider it. The fact that the heat was still on this late in the month was a Christmas miracle.

“No no. It’s fine. Just being here is enough for me. I’ve never really celebrated Christmas anyways,” Jason said pushing the box in your hand. You held the box before kissing him.

You opened the box to see the bracelet you had been looking at the pawn shop. You smiled and stared at the pretty little butterfly. Jason watched you carefully for a reaction. He’d never admit it but he was more nervous now than fighting on the street.

“You saw me looking at it. I didn’t think you’d notice,” you murmured softly as you picked it up. Jason took it and wrapped it around your wrist. He clasped it on and you looked at it, moving your wrist in the light.

“Thank you. It’s beautiful,” you said quietly looking at it. You had a little grin on your face. Jason smiled. That’s the look he wanted. That little bit of happiness that you showed when you were really pleased. He intertwined his fingers in yours.

“Princess, you’re so cold,” Jason said with a frown. He could feel it colder outside but now that he was getting used to the temperature, it wasn’t warm as it should be.

“The heater was acting up again so I turned it down. The blankets are plenty warm,” you said and his heart all but broke. There was no way he was going to let you be cold all winter because the landlord wouldn’t fix things. He might pay this guy a visit. You sensed his anger.

“It’s okay, Jay. Come lay with me and get warm,” you said taking his hands. He let you pull him into bed. He kicked off his pants and shoes and laid on his side. You curled into him as a little spoon. His long big frame all but engulfed you. It always felt to protective. If he was holding you, he knew you were safe. Jason ran his fingers along your bracelet soft as his rough fingers could.

“You’re so good to me,” you said softly and his heart clenched again. Fuck, if you knew all the bad he did. His messed up past. He thought you would have run away when you first learned he was Red Hood but no, you had been kind.

“Naw, Princess you deserve more then this shitty place,” he said, and for the first time, he felt a little bad about giving all of his trust fund to the soup kitchen he would visit as a kid. A little would have been nice to get a better place for you. But he had been making a ton crushing the drug trade at the time and didn’t have a girl back home when he did it. He couldn’t be as reckless now.

You turned in his arms to look in his blue eyes. He has such an intense look on his face that you frowned. “Jaybird, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said pulling his face back to normal. “Just thinking. I wanna move you to a better place, a safer place than this,” he said running his thumb across your cheeks. You grasped his wrist and leaned into his touch. Jason would sometimes get like that. Thinking you deserved better. And you humored him even though you wouldn’t even know what to do with wealth.

“We’re moving. Soon. I’m promising now,” he said thinking about the painful conversation he was going to have with Bruce. His adoptive father he hadn’t even told you about. Bruce would do just about anything Jason asked. Probably the guilt of letting him die.

“But Jay, we’d miss the water that went from boiling to freezing at random. And I’m not sure if I can sleep without Mr and Mrs Jancowski having sex every Tuesday at 2 AM,” you said with a smile. He kissed you to shut you up. You were joking but each one felt like a little knife in his guilt. You pulled him over you and the thought of money troubles faded from your mind.

———————————————

Jason woke before you and watched you sleep. You laid on his chest with your hand in his hair and your soft breath on his throat. The bracelet was still on your wrist. You looked so peaceful, trusted him while you slept. Jason carefully grabbed his phone and texted Alfred. He’d also have to tell you about his adoptive family. His very famous adoptive family.

He threaded his fingers in your hand that was flung across his waist. You began to stir. Jason moved hair from your face and you blinked to see his pale blue eyes watching you.

“Morning, Princess,” he said with a rough morning voice. You smiled.

“Morning, Jaybird.”

“I’ve got something to tell you,” he started. “I want you to meet my family tonight.”

“Tonight? Your family? I thought your parents...” you trailed off.

“I was adopted. I never told you because I don’t have the best relationship with them. But I think it’s time for you to meet them. I’ve got to tell you something else,” he said and you could hear his heart beat quicker as you laid on him.

“My adoptive father is Bruce Wayne.”

Silence.

“You’re shitting me.”

“Nope. And tonight I’m taking you to meet him. And my adoptive siblings.”

“You aren’t joking,” you said sitting up. Jason sat up too.

“I’m not. I’m kinda the... black sheep of the family. He adopted me when I was 12. I was trying to boost the wheels from the b- Bentley he was driving,” Jason corrected. It was one thing to tell you he was Red Hood. He couldn’t say Bruce Wayne was Batman.

“Wow. I- wow. Okay. That’s a lot to take in. Also on brand to be honest,” you said and he smiled and shrugged.

“Wait. What the fuck do you wear to the freaking Wayne manor for Christmas Eve?” You said a little panicky.

“Whatever you want. It’s just family,” he said with a sideways smile.

“Oh no. I can’t go to freaking Wayne Manor in a Kmart sweater,” you said quickly.

“You can wear,” he said hopping out of bed. He dug way in the back of his closet for a pretty red sweater that was slightly oversized. “This. Should fit fine. Pretty expensive too.”

“Where the hell did you get that?”

“I’ve had it for year and it definitely doesn’t fit now,” Jason said with a laugh. “Try it on.”

—————————————

The weather sucked. Freaking sleet that threatened everything it touched. You were grateful it wasn’t a night of Jason patrolling. This meant taking your car instead of Jason’s motorcycle. Your car was at least 15 years old and you called it Frankenstein because of all the repairs done over the years.

The radio skipped as Jason drove over a speed bump by Wayne Manor and you burst out laughing. Jason looked at you from the side.

“It’s not that funny,” he said. “What’s up?”

“My car is trash, I’m wearing your old sweater, and we’re late. If you weren’t the black sheep before, bringing me home, you will be now,” you said. He grabbed your hand and parked in front of a random house.

“I’ve been the black sheep since I was a kid and you aren’t going to change any thing for the worse. Trust me. In fact they’ll probably think you’re too good for me,” Jason said with a dry chuckle. “So don’t worry about anything. Except making room for pudding. I know it sounds weird,” he said starting to drive again. “But it’s the best part of Christmas.”

Wayne Manor was huge. You knew that. You’d even seen it on tv. But to see it in front of you was honestly terrifying, especially in the nasty weather. You almost hoped Jason was playing some weird elaborate joke and was going to drive on by but he knew the passcode to the gate. He drove in the covered drop off spot by the front door and parked. You both quickly ran in the building.

The front entry was breathtaking. A gigantic Christmas tree and a full staircase decked out in garland like a Hallmark movie. It was like a magazine. In fact, it was in the Christmas episode of Gotham Life the year before.

You gripped Jason’s hand tightly as you walked down the hall. Your shoes sounded unnaturally loud and you had the urge to quiet them like it was a library. Jason pulled you to the doorway of a dinning room full of people settling to eat. Jadon cleared his throat.

“Master Jason! You made it,” Alfred said excitedly. “I recieved your message but it’s been many years. Sit. Sit.”

“Glad you could come,” Jason’s brother Dick said with a grin. He looked at you in curious excitement. You looked down at some kind of mushroom soup placed in front of you. Everyone else was dressed so nicely and ate so perfectly. It was intimidating.

“Yeah, it’s Christmas,” Jason said shrugging. He gave Dick a look that said don’t ask. It didn’t take much for Dick to drop it because he seemed incredibly distracted. You spent most of the meal trying to keep up on conversations you clearly didn’t understand while trying food you’ve never seen before. You could barely remember everyone you were introduced to. One of Jason’s sister(s?) gave you a big hug along with everyone else when she arrived. You couldn’t tell anyone what was even said after the meal. Or so you thought.

Until right across from you, Dick proposes to his girlfriend. He stuttered around before finally asking. “Will you marry me? Oh god, I have a ring,” he said producing one. Everyone watched as she stared in the box.

“Will I marry you?” She asked faintly and you worried she’d say no. How terrible would it be??

“Please say something,” he pleaded and you could tell the man was practically in pain before she said yes. They kissed, the family applauded, and champagne was served.

Jason watched you from the corner of his eyes. How did you react to this? What did you think? You didn’t look jealous or anything. It made Jason think of marriage. He hadn’t before. He’d thought about moving into something more permanent but marriage. He’d never thought about marriage as his future, ever. Of course when you die at 16 and come back with a vengeance, love is low on the priority list.

“Jaybird, you there,” you asked slightly tapping his shoulder. He blinked and looked at you.

“Yeah, I’m here. Just in my head,” he said and you nodded. He’d do that sometimes.

“The party is moving to the parlor,” you said quietly in a proper rich Gothamite voice and Jason huffed before covering his smiling mouth with a nose rub. The rest of the group was moving ahead of you. Dick and his new fiancé were retiring for the night.

“I’m never going to hear the end of it, am I?”

“I’m so sorry, dearest. I can’t understand you with a silver spoon in your mouth,” you laughed. Jason rolled his eyes before guiding your shoulders towards the door. You heard a soft laugh behind you and you turned to see Tim’s girlfriend smiling.

“Sorry to interrupt but I’ve got to use that on Tim,” she said grabbing her coat and walking out.

After making sure you were cool with hanging with Tim’s girlfriend and their adoptive sister Cass, Jason and Tim started a very competitive game of pool. You couldn’t help but look at things that cost more than you’ve ever even seen. The chess set Damian and his girlfriend were playing with probably cost more than your car.

But it was Christmas and you tried to push your insecurities aside. It was a fun evening. A glass of wine you kept sipping on helped as well.

After a while Bruce announced that the roads were too bad and that no one was leaving. Jason clenched his jaw for a second before looking at you and relaxing. He didn’t want to stay but he wasn’t risking your health in any way. Instead he focused on the game.

“So if I win,” Jason said a full hour later. By this time, Damian’s girlfriend had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Your eyes felt a little heavy as well. “I get the penthouse.”

“Sure Jay. That’s Bruce’s. But I’m willing to gamble it,” Tim said throwing his hands up at the ridiculousness.

“I accept terms,” Bruce said. Both boys looked at him surprised. “Whoever wins gets the penthouse.”

You turned quickly to watch the game. Okay, is that a normal thing for them? To bet property. The look on everyone’s face said that no it wasn’t normal.

Jason was excellent at pool. It was a common for you both to go down to the pool hall and play some games. Jason would occasionally make some money playing and he did often as a kid. It was also a way to waste time when your mom was throwing beers back like a fish, like Jason’s mother did. Tim didn’t stand a chance. He wasn’t as good and looked almost like he was in pain occasionally. But maybe it wasn’t a real competition? Maybe Bruce was trying to give Jason something he’d always want to but didn’t know how. Jason easily won the game.

“So the penthouse is mine?” Jason asked. Bruce nodded and shrugged. Tim softly coughed in his hand. Your heart raced. They couldn’t be serious.

“If you’ll live in it,” Bruce said. Damian was carefully carrying his girlfriend upstairs.

“Deal,” Jason says quickly.

“Deal,” Bruce said looking quiet pleased. Was this his plan all along?

“I guess, deal?” Tim said confused. “Though you should owe me. You’re the one that got me shot.”

Your brain broke. He was shot? And it was Jason’s fault?

“What?! You got him shot?” Tim’s girlfriend asked loudly. Tim blanched.

“Not my fault.”

“Literally your fault,” Tim countered.

“What did you do?” You asked looking at him suspiciously. He offered you a sheepish smile.

“I might have said ‘what are you gonna do, shoot us?’ I meant me. Not Tim! He also has a bulletproof suit,” Jason said. Tim must be a vigilante too. You glared at Jason.

“That’s not in the report,” Bruce said with his eyes narrowing.

“Good night everybody. Merry Christmas,” Jason said pulling you from the room and up to his childhood room.

“You’re in so much trouble,” you said and he grinned.

“I’ll deal with it tomorrow. How do you feel about a penthouse? Better than our current place hu?” Jason said pulling you close. You felt dizzy at the idea.

“Seriously? We can’t afford it,” you said trying to stay grounded. It was too good to be true. Things like that didn’t happen to people like you.

“I think I know a guy who can keep the lights on,” he joked and you gave him a serious look. “Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy the idea of constant hot water. Lights never going off,” Jason said pushing you towards the bed. “No one can hear me make you scream.”

“Tempting. Very tempting,” you said and of fucking course it was. A safe beautiful clean penthouse over your trashy scary apartment wasn’t even a contest. Jason pushed you on the bed and hovered over you.

“What are you doing,” you asked flushed but still encouraging him. It was still his dad’s house and he was getting handsy.

“Trying to have sex with my girlfriend on my old bed like every guy ever has dreamed of,” Jason said. He nipped at your throat. You gasped.

“Got to be quiet, Princess,” he whispered and you pulled him down to kiss more.

————————————

The next morning you woke to an empty bed. You fixed your hair as best you could and threw on Jason’s sweatshirt before going downstairs. You caught a glimpse of the kitchen as Bruce slowly slid a set of keys Jason’s way before taking a long drink from his coffee. “I’m glad you made home for Christmas this year, Jason.” The penthouse.

“Morning,” Bruce said to you nodding before leaving the room. Jason was alone in the kitchen but you could hear others in the breakfast nook a door over.

“Keys,” Jason said showing you. “And no lecture.”

You gave him a hug and looked at the shiny metal keys. It would be a while before you could handle the idea of a freaking penthouse being yours. “But you should get something for Tim. You did get him shot.”

“Let him shoot me?”

“Jason, no.”

[mochiimiiki]

| How they Celebrate your birthday |

A/N: Entirely self indulgent since it’s my birthday on friday!! Should I make a pt 2 with the undatables?

Warnings: None? Maybe some swears, suggestiveness on Asmodeus’s

Summary: It’s your birthday! How do each of the Brothers congratulate you?

Lucifer very simply follows your every command

he asked you (probably a couple of weeks in advance) what you liked and provided different scenarios

out of the scenarios that you preferred (let’s say candle lit dinner) he will go all out

decides a restaurant is something you could do any day any time but it’s your birthday so plans something more special

personally i think HOL has a roof top and so lucifer sets up a candle lit dinner on the roof

it’s unbelievably romantic, with freshly prepared food (all done by him)

it’s a place the two of you can gaze out across the devildom without being disturbed (he cursed the door to stop his brothers from coming up)

“I love you, Mc. I want this birthday, the one you chose to spend with me, to be your most special birthday. I want you to remember this day for years to come.”

mammon wants it to be just as special as lucifer wanted it

but he doesn’t exactly have any money on hand..

so! for the week up until your birthday he actually works, spending as much time as possible in Hell’s kitchen earning away

the urge to go out and gamble is too much that he actually asks lucifer to keep his money for him

on the day of your actual birthday mammon goes all you

you have so many presents! you’re honestly convinced he bought out a whole store with how many things he got you

but he just wants you to be happy

to top it off throws you a huge surprise party (probably held at Diavolo’s castle)

“Happy Birthday Mc! Ya know The Great Mammon always delivers!”

Ahhh my favourite shy otaku

he has absolutely no idea how to celebrate your birthday, his form of celebration revolves around getting a new game and staying in it for hours on end

he caves and asks asmo how to celebrate it

as a result HOL becomes a party house for the night, much to Lucifer’s chagrin

He buys you a game he saw that immediately reminded him of you

“I don’t have this game… but I heard it was good! Look it’s even the special edition. Truth be told… I don’t do birthdays. But if you want you can come to my room and we can game together. Oh, or there’s a new series of Help I got Stuck In Hell With a Bunch of Hot Demons and Now I’m Falling In Love that came out.”

Satan much like Lucifer just wants a quiet and intimate night with you like father like son

He set up a picnic for the two of you to eat in the library

It’s romantic in its coziness

He probably bought you a super, ultimate rare first edition copy of your favourite book that you mentioned you liked one time

How in the Devildom he actually got his hands on it you have no idea and he won’t tell you

Settling down for the night you lay on his lap and he reads the story to you

“You know Mc I never thought a human would be capable of making me… feel… feel anything other than anger. But when I’m with you I feel so at peace.”

Similar to Mammon he insists on having a party, but doesn’t make it a surprise

he values your input since it’s your birthday <3 he wants to please you in every way possible

Does your make up and dresses you up so you’re all pretty and handsome

He definitely buys you beauty products but does NOT skimp out, they’re the top brands in all of the devildom

“Hm? What do you mean I spent too much money? To look the best you have to wear the best! Take it from me, hun. And happy birthday!”

Tried to bake a cake

ate it

tried again

same thing happened

After what seems like Diavolo knows how many attempts he gives up

all his ingredients kept disappearing on him!

Can’t decide what to get you that isn’t food, because he knows if he gets you food he’ll end up eating

thankfully he ran into asmo shopping who directed him to getting you some body lotions you had been raving about

they smelt so good, he really struggled not to eat them

For your birthday he gathered the help of his brothers and threw you a surprise party!

“Happy birthday Mc! I wanted to make you a cake but all the ingredients went missing so instead I got you this. I hope you like it, you deserve the best.”

I’m convinced he didn’t realise it was your birthday on the actual day until he heard his brother wishing you a happy birthday

he sleeps that much that time gets oddly distorted

but worry not! he was already prepared

He took you into the attic where he spent the day (because he kept falling asleep) making you a blanket fort with pillows galore

when you both creep inside he hands you a jewellery box that has an adorable cow pendent on the chain

“You know I never thought I’d celebrate a human’s birthday but here you are. You totally changed my world, Mc. Now let’s cuddle I’m exhausted.”

[sixtynineinchnails]

I’ve seen a lot of disc horse happening on here about hyperfixations on Harry Potter and whether or not people should be forced to stop liking the series altogether. and once again people are taking the argument to the extremes and whipping each other into a rage.

I have ADHD. I have hyperfixations. Sometimes those fixations are on problematic or outright bigoted/awful media. I cannot control what my brain latches onto besides not being exposed to it in the first place, and some media (Harry Potter especially) is hard to avoid. I can’t just stop fixating. and yes, for a long time I did fixate on Harry Potter. it has taken a lot of time for that fixation to fade, and I’ve had to come to terms with a lot about the thing I once cared about so dearly.

that being said: you can have a hyperfixation without supporting the original text or creator.

want to watch the films/read the books? get them from a local library, buy them secondhand, or pirate them.

want to buy merch? buy from small businesses (not trademarked stuff) or buy secondhand.

want to wear Harry Potter merch? wear it around the house.

want to create fan content (fanart, fanfic, amvs, edits, etc)? do it. create it. maybe send it to a friend. do not post it.

want to talk about it? talk to a friend, family member, mutual, therapist, etc. don’t make posts about it.

I think sometimes we forget what it’s like to live in a world where we aren’t constantly sharing our interests with others online. but considering how many people have been hurt by jkr and her content, I think it’s fair in this case to say: fixate, let your brain cope with life however it has to, and if Harry Potter is what’s keep you going right now that’s alright. just don’t post about it. participating in online fandom is keeping her relevant, thus supporting her. she has made this clear herself. she’s aware of how fandom influences her platform.

and if you’re currently fixated on Harry Potter please remember to view it with a critical eye. I understand how hard it can be to see the flaws in something you’re so attached to. but in this case it’s not just the author. the media itself does contain a lot of problematic stuff (racism, slavery apologism, anti-semitism, fatphobia, appropriation of indigenous cultures, as well as a wealth of other things. if you’re wondering about any of this, feel free to comment or dm me any time and I can expand on these to the best of my knowledge).

that being said: if you’re currently on the side of the argument begging people to stop engaging with all Harry Potter media altogether: I get it too. I’m trans. I deeply despise what jkr has said and done, her wealth and influence, the movement she stands for, and the swath of wreckage she’s using her power to cause. I also agree that the text itself is deeply problematic and at best should be viewed with a highly critical eye and at worst should be taken out back and burned. if everyone could just stop engaging with Harry Potter media and fandom, that would be sure be nice.

unfortunately I don’t think that’s possible this time. Harry Potter still has a massive following around the globe who will never see the reasons to disconnect from it. telling neurodivergent kids online to simply stop hyperfixating is pointless and doing more harm than good. forcing people to feel incredibly guilty for their fixations isn’t exactly fair.

we all agree jkr is harmful and needs to have her platform removed. we all agree that the only power we have is by keeping the media relevant, or letting it go. it seems the level to which we need to disengage is the part where contentions arise, and extreme, black and white viewpoints and the terminally online nature of our lives and interests is warping our perspective.

if you truly don’t want to support jkr, you cannot keep posting Harry Potter content talking about how much you like it, regardless of whether or not you give her money or tag it “fuck jkr”. she’s already a billionaire. this is beyond giving her clout. this is about decreasing the relevance and platform of the author and her content, while creating a safer community for people who’ve been hurt by jkr and her content.

and if you truly want to get people to join your boycott, you have to understand that not everyone will be able to disengage the same way as you and the fact that they’re trying does count for something. the only way this will do anything at all is through unity.

TLDR: if you’re currently hyperfixated on Harry Potter that doesn’t make you a bad person, just please engage with the media in private and remember to view it critically. if you’re currently getting upset at people for their fixations, please consider helping to educate rather than lose your cool at internet strangers.

—

jkr apologists, terfs, Harry Potter defenders, etc: before you tell me to touch some grass and get over it, consider why you’re sitting there reading posts about things that you don’t agree with. you can just ignore this post and just keep scrolling. or better yet how about we both log off for a bit and go have a cup of tea instead

[cassandraclare]

I'm sorry to hear that your hard work was leaked but I was curious about what happened. I hope the person faced consequences because that was a very selfish thing to do leaking your work like that :(

I haven’t taken action against the person who leaked the book. I know who they are, since they uploaded the page I signed for them, and I was able to match that against my records. 

I haven’t refrained from taking action because I feel sympathy for them. I don’t. It’s beyond shitty behavior to receive an early, signed book as a gift, and to then leak the entire book online. It’s a shit thing to do to the authors and an equally shit thing to do to other fans. However, I don’t want to put myself (and Wes) through the exhausting, grim and expensive process of legal repercussions. It doesn’t mean what this person did isn’t horrible, and it doesn’t mean they haven’t cost the entire fandom any chance of there ever being an early contest giveaway like that again. They did. There never will be. There will be no ARCs of Chain of Iron, either, and you can thank them for that, too. 

Part of what makes piracy such an issue for authors goes far beyond the individual assholes who upload and distribute and translate stolen books. It’s that the whole system is set up to make it incredibly difficult for us to do anything about it. Publishers do little to nothing to prevent piracy, and authors shoulder the entire burden of searching out and reporting illegal copies of their books. And even then, we’re dependent on whether or not the reported website feels like complying with copyright laws or not. Twitter is incredibly slow to respond, Tumblr is about fifty-fifty on bothering at all. They’re legally required to take action, but they also know that the effort of doing something about it if they do not falls on exhausted, overburdened artists who often can’t afford to follow up with a lawyer’s letter.

And like, I get being broke and wanting to read books; there were a lot of books I had to pass up reading when I was broke (I will be forever grateful to the library system of New York and Brooklyn, which is how I read books at all from about 2001-2004.) I was broke enough that I slept on a bare mattress because I couldn’t afford sheets, but I’m pretty sure if I broke into Bed, Bath and Beyond and stole a bunch of fitted percale bedding I wouldn’t have encountered much sympathy if I got caught. 

I talked about this on Twitter before, and I’ll say it again here though I know it will make very little difference: pirating books doesn’t just hurt the author of those books. It hurts everyone at the publishing company, where the margin of profit is razor-thin (and yes, publishers should do more to protect themselves against piracy; I agree there); it hurts bookstores, especially indie bookstores (I remember doing an event at a store that told me, sadly, that they were likely going to have to close because people “came into the store, looked at the books, took notes, then went home and pirated them.”) It hurts libraries, who rely on circulation for funding, and the shutting down of libraries hurts people who actually can’t afford books.

Now, I know is no way to talk people out of piracy; the internet has normalized it, and besides, people will generally do the cheaper, easier thing — you can’t talk people into not doing something they want to do by telling them it’s wrong, in my experience. They’ll find ways to justify it, whether it be that they can’t afford the book or it isn’t yet available in their language or that they find the author “problematic” and this is the way they’ve chosen to punish them. 

The reason I put “problematic” in quotes is because yes, of course you can read and enjoy work that has problematic elements. Pretty much everything has some element that’s going to be found problematic by someone — which is exactly why deciding that it’s morally excusable to steal from people you think are creating flawed work is more than problematic. Holding creators accountable for their work means critiquing that work, not stealing it.

I listen to a lot of political podcasts, and some of them review work by extreme right-wing politicians etc. who have written books that the podcasters find morally despicable but wish to, or need to, review and discuss. Since they don’t wish to give money to the authors, they buy second-hand copies or take the book out of the library. They certainly don’t steal, translate and distribute copies of the books because they genuinely do not like them and do not want more people reading them. That’s what it looks like when you have an actual moral problem with a book or author. 

However, running multiple fan accounts for a book series, naming your internet identity after characters from that book series, and talking endlessly about “your favorite parts” and how this is “your favorite book” entirely invalidates any argument that you’re doing this because you think the books are bad, evil, etc. If you claim a book is actively homophobic or racist but are so desperate to read it that you’ll steal it, so excited about it that you’ll share that stolen copy, so obsessed that you’ll illegally translate a whole book and provide that stolen translation to as many people as possible, and so dedicated to the fandom that you’ll name yourself after the characters in the books and write poetry about them, I have to tell you: the last thing that looks like is that you actually find the books problematic, regardless of what you say to the contrary. It looks like you like them but don’t want to pay for them, because in fact, that’s the case. (Either that or it looks like you’re really into racist, homophobic books, and making sure as many people read them as possible, which is your problem.)

One of the issues I have with piracy is that it teaches you to hate creators. You have to hate them, because you’re doing a fucking awful thing to them and you have to justify it. This results in lying about creators — about their process, their translations, their research — as if somehow, even if they were bad researchers, that would justify widespread theft. (It doesn’t.) Those who steal books wind up in a headspace where they are obsessed with the content of the books, and entirely unwilling to accept the reality that those books were created by a real person that they’re really harming. It encourages the mentality that I didn’t create Jem or Magnus or Will or Cordelia: they came from some kind of sparkly outerspace planet and I was just lucky enough to get to write down their adventures. It invalidates the hard work creators put into what they create, and in fact, erases their very existence. The internet attitude toward creators is already incredibly toxic (especially if they’re women, LGBT+ and/or BIPOC) and the feeling of entitlement to free content, and vicious hatred toward those who aren’t providing it (even though a lot of creators, me included, provide a great deal of free content) contributes to that. Genuinely, if you’re stealing someone’s work, the least you could do is not also be an asshole about them. (Or pretend you’re Robin Hood. He stole from the rich who had taken property and goods from the poor, and returned that stolen wealth. He didn’t steal from artists and independent bookstores and use that stealing to benefit himself and his friends. The idea is actually kind of funny.) 

 I understand there is a pressure to be up to date on the books that are being released so as to participate in fandom, and I do get that. Unfortunately, piracy has real consequences that stretch beyond just hurting me and Wes. Because LGBT+ books are pirated at such an incredible rate, and we’ve definitely seen that with TEC, I am left wondering if there will ever be an actual Spanish translation of TEC, or whether the publisher will decide not to bother because it’s already been so thoroughly pirated in Spanish. I have to wonder if there will even be a third book of TEC at all, or whether publishers will feel it isn’t worth doing. And I have to wonder why the people who create this situation so often have usernames that include Jem or Magnus or Alec or Cordelia or Julian or Tessa. What an incredible misunderstanding of those characters, to imagine a world in which Will Herondale or Magnus Bane or James Carstairs would approve of stealing books and harming writers. And why name yourself after a character who absolutely couldn’t stand you? I don’t know. I don’t get it, any more than I get hating someone who provided you with something you claim is your favorite book. 

That was a much longer answer than you were probably expecting or hoping for, and I know I’ll get yelled at quite thoroughly for writing it. Writers always do, when we engage with the issue of piracy. I know most of you reading this acquire your books honestly; most of you are not like this at all. But like most things on the internet, a small amount of people really do have the power to make things pretty rotten for everyone else.

[thereaderstea]

I am back! I’ve been having a tough time to be honest and I was wondering if you have any fic recs that deal with mental health/illnesses? Just need fics that let me know I’m not alone here:( - ☂️

welcome back and merry meet, ☂️ carissima! i'm so happy to see you again! i'm sorry to hear you've been having a tough time; i want you to know my inbox and dms are always open if you ever need a listening ear 💜 also, here’s a mental health resource list.

mental health and mental illness are my favorite topics! so i have a lot of them in my library. i have also started reading on and navigating ao3, so i included a couple of fics from there. i included just the mental health warnings for each fic, but please check the fic's warnings before reading as most (if not all) of these fics are heavy and the multi-chaptered fics indicates what each chapter includes.

general warning: these fics (under the cut) may contain topics of mental health, mental illness, physical illness, death, grief/mourning, suicidality, panic attacks, abuse, and more.

BTS Mental Health Fic Recs

lost, then found by @magicalcrwn ➵ksj x reader | angst, fluff, hurt/comfort | oneshot | 2.2k ➵mental health warnings: talks of loneliness, existential crisis, implied suicidal thoughts

“When it comes, the two hands overlap / Then the whole world holds its breath for a moment / Zero o’clock“

Life is hard, sometimes you just gotta take a step back and breathe.

Stay by @sahmfanficbts ➵jjk x reader | hurt/comfort | established relationship au | oneshot | 2.9k ➵mental health warnings: depression, recovery, mentions of suicide

“Till death do us part” Your husband JK will do everything in his power to help you see how much he needs you to stay.

Candle by @tae-cup | The Reader's Tea ➵myg x reader | angst, fluff | oneshot | 4.3k ➵mental health warnings: depressing thoughts, thoughts of suicide, recovery.

You met him at the lowest point in your life. He was your candle, your light, and he helped you fly to the clouds.

nightlight by @minniepetals ➵ot7 x reader | angst, fluff, hurt/comfort | mafia au | oneshot | 7.7k ➵mental health warnings: mentions of abuse, mentions of death, reader has insomnia, nightmares.

things have never been easy for you but you never expected it’d be them that would make things easier.

heartbeat by minniepetals ➵ot7 x reader | angst, fluff, hurt/comfort | hybrid au | oneshot | 9.7k ➵mental health warnings: mentions of abuse, anxiety, nightmares.

running away from your master is never easy so you deem yourself this will be the last time if you are fatefully brought back to his hold again. so what happens when you stumble upon seven men who says they won’t bring you back? what happens when they promise you their love and care instead?

comforting arms by minniepetals ➵ot7 x reader | fluff, hurt/comfort | established relationship au | drabble | 1.2k ➵mental health warnings: stress, sadness/feeling down.

they come home to find you silently crying to yourself.

What Money Can Buy by @jeonstudios ➵jjk x reader | angst, fluff | oneshot | 17.8k ➵mental health warnings: reader has depression, loneliness, mentions of death.

in need of money, jeongguk signs up as a sugar baby, assuming he’ll be paid for sex by some old kinky woman. he never expected to meet someone like you. what were you doing on that site, and why would you have to pay for company?

A Place Called Home by @agustdakasuga | The Reader's Tea ➵➵ot7 x reader | fluff, angst, hurt/comfort | hybrid au | series | 88.3k ➵arctic fox!seokjin, panther!yoongi, golden retriever!hoseok, wolf!namjoon, calico cat!jimin, tiger!taehyung, rabbit!jungkook,  vet!mc, human!mc ➵mental health warnings: ksj has anxiety, ksj was non-verbal, pjm has PTSD and anxiety, recovery, mentions of abuse, mentions of death, injuries, fighting rings.

Having saved your own injured hybrid, you were determined to try and help any other hybrid that crossed your path who needed saving. But being a vet in a small hospital wasn’t enough for you. You wanted to do more, you wanted to make a difference. You wanted to give them a home.

Fix You by @casuallyimagining ➵myg x reader | fluff, angst, slow burn hurt/comfort | hybrid au | series | ongoing ➵mental health warnings: discussion of physical abuse, emotional abuse, discussion of sexual abuse, discussion of self-harm

When you take in a stray cat, you have no idea he’s secretly a hybrid trying to escape his past. Can you help him heal?

Filtering Light by @sybilwriting ➵jjk x pjm x reader | fluff, angst | hybrid au | series | ongoing ➵bunny!reader, human!jimin, human!jungkook, ft. human!seokjin, human!yoongi, golden retriever!hoseok, tiger!taehyung ➵mental health warnings: mentions of past abuse, allusions of sexual assault, recovery, reader has anxiety and PTSD, panic attacks.

the reader is a bunny hybrid with a past that has left her traumatized and struggling to heal. some things can be helped with therapy, but some things can only be fixed through realizing you’re not all of the things that hurt you—you are, in fact, just loved.

Before I Leave You by @hollyhomburg ➵ot7 x reader | fluff, angst, slow burn, hurt/comfort | omegaverse, mafia au | series | ongoing ➵omega!reader, omega!seokjin, omega!jungkook, beta!yoongi, alpha!hoseok, alpha!namjoon, alpha!jimin, alpha!taehyung ➵mental health warnings: emotional and physical abuse, forced mating marks, graphic murder scenes, negative self-talk, self-esteem issues, non-verbal characters, abandonment, PTSD, hurt/comfort, agoraphobia, implied/referenced self-harm, suicidal thoughts and brief desperate suicide attempt, gender dysphoria, internalized transphobia, internalized misogyny, unintended outings, epilepsy.   

Someone always has to leave first; They just didn’t expect Yoongi to come back with a new omega (who’s clearly been through some shit).

Don’t Worry Love by hollyhomburg ➵jhs x reader, pjm x reader | angst, hurt/comfort | duology | 4.5k ➵mental health warnings: mc has anorexia/eating disorder, anxiety, fainting.

You thought you had your bad habit under control- but when you wake up in a hospital room your boyfriend: Jung Hoseok confronts you- rightfully angry that you nearly starved yourself to death.

Part 1: Don’t Worry Love | Part 2: Just For You

Open Up Baby (Just Let Me In) by hollyhomburg ➵jhs x reader | fluff, hurt/comfort | established relationship au | oneshot | 2.1k ➵mental health warnings: depictions of mental illness, mc has PTSD, night terrors, anxiety attacks, flashbacks, implied abuse.

Hoseok knows that opening up is hard, and that healing is harder. But can see you struggling- but he’s torn, he can’t let you drown under the weight of whatever this is. He just wants to help you. He just wants to know.

Eyes On Me by hollyhomburg ➵knj x reader | fluff, hurt/comfort | established relationship au | oneshot | 4.3k ➵mental health warnings: knj has anxiety and panic attacks.

Kim Namjoon knows how bad his anxiety can get, but when he starts having panic attacks you decide to step in: lakeside hijinks ensue.

Sweet Like Honey (Break Like Glass) by hollyhomburg ➵kth x reader | fluff, angst | established relationship au | oneshot | 6.7k ➵mental health warnings: mentions of body dysmorphia, self-esteem issues, dysphoria, internalized self-hate, references to eating disorder.

Taehyung knows there’s something wrong with his girlfriend; the way she can’t look at herself in the mirror sometimes or the countless other bad days. He makes it his mission to make her feel as beautiful as possible.

eternal sunshine by sunlightvmin (ao3) ➵knj x jjk | angst, domestic fluff, hurt/comfort | android au | oneshot | 13k ➵mental health warnings: epidemic, death, suicide attempt, depression, anxiety disorder, grief/mourning, recovery, philosophical/existential talks, morality. ➵make sure you read/scroll all the way to the bottom because i almost didn’t and nearly lost my heart.

When half of the world dies, Namjoon forgets what it is like to live.

Android JK-0901 helps him learn how to, again.

Calcu-LATER by tae-cup ➵kth x reader, pjm x reader | fluff, angst, humor | college au | series | ongoing ➵ mental health warnings: slight internalized homophobia, anxiety attack, implied disorder.

Math never fails you. The numbers might not always make sense, but you know there must be a solution. Everything fits together like a perfect puzzle, like your tidy life and solitary living…until Kim Taehyung spills paint all over your notebook. He, quite literally, trips into your life.

Ch 1. Gouache on Calculator’s by Kim Taehyung | The Reader’s Tea Ch 2. Social Events? I Think Not | The Reader’s Tea Ch 3. Valentine’s Day | The Reader’s Tea Ch 4. Colossians 3:9 | The Reader’s Tea

it's hard to keep the colors inside the lines by orphan_account (ao3) ➵pjm x knj | college au, cafe au | duology | 38k ➵mental health warnings: pjm has insomnia, implied eating disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, mention of suicide. ➵i actually just started reading this the other day and haven’t been able to finish it yet but i love it so far! knj is an adorable, lanky barista who rambles and pjm is, in the author’s words, “a soft anxious cupcake.”

Park Jimin’s just trying to get through life without collapsing of sleep deprivation. Good thing Kim Namjoon works at a sleep clinic.

If I Only Get A Year With You by hollyhomburg ➵ksj x reader | angst, domestic fluff, hurt/comfort | oneshot | 2.1k ➵mental health warnings: mentions of death and self-harm, grief.

When both of your significant others die in the same car crash there is no one else you can turn to besides your longtime friend, Kim Seokjin. You both run away to grieve, but what you find in your sadness is more than you could have ever hoped for.

Beyond Reach by @jimlingss ➵jhs x reader | angst | grim reaper au, ghost au | series | 6 ch. | ➵priestess!mc, ghost!hoseok, reaper!namjoon, ft. other members ➵mental health warnings: death, topics of suicide, topics of illness.

If someone could see what you could, they’d pass out. But you don't blame them. Who would ever expect for a ghost, a priestess and a grim reaper to be together - much less be rescuing others.

Stay by @deepdarkdelights | The Reader’s Tea ➵pjm x reader (first person pov) | angst | oneshot | 1.8k ➵mental health warnings: topics of death and dying. quote from stay:

“The world was one that had been plunged into darkness, devoid of the sky, devoid of the ground, and devoid of life. It was just the dark mist overhead and me. [...]

Was I even alive, had I ever been born? What is this strange but familiar place?”

here you go, mea ☂️ carissima! i hope you enjoy these stories, and remember that i’m here if you need an ear 💜 i wish you a well journey through your tough times.

sweet water and light laughter till next we meet,

your fellow reading monster, tor-mon 🖤

[embrassemoi]

Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 20

Pairings: Sirius B, Remus L, [F]Reader      Content: Language, possible errors  A/N: Some ppl asked for a playlist... so ofc I made one! 

Series Playlist or Chap 20 Playlist

【 Masterlist: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter 】

Chapter 20: Little Lion Man

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

When Regulus was younger, his aunt Andromeda and Sirius were obsessed with Muggle stories. Andromeda would send them loads of books every month to the local Muggle post office to prevent their parents from confiscating them. He remembers the ten minute walks there and back, Sirius holding his hand tight, even stopping to buy ice cream during the warmer seasons. They would greet the delivery men and women, picking up a heavy stack of wrapped books before waddling out, each boy mirroring a large grin.

Every night at twilight, when their parents were asleep, Sirius would crawl into his bed and read to Regulus in a hushed voice. He would read a different story every night, lulling him to sleep. Sirius spent hours gushing about the fantastical tales Muggles wrote; how magical and mystical their minds were despite not having an ounce of magical blood. From Superman to Batman, the Joker to Daleks, Prince Caspian to King Miraz; Regulus quickly learned that they all had one common theme: the good guys and the bad guys.

Regulus often spent his time grappling with the notion; what made someone good? Because the definition changes depending on the person.

Were the good guys good because they were selfless — passionate? Those deemed good never let themselves be seen as selfish. The heroes would sacrifice themselves for the greater good, even going as far as giving up their loved ones. Or maybe it was because they went against the odds. But villains did that too.

So he re-worded the question; what made someone bad? Was it their selfishness or greed? Was it putting themselves above others? Did they know they were on the wrong side of history? Make a mistake, once, twice — but surely, that didn’t make someone bad. Did it?

If virtue is understood by both sides, then the bad guys would immediately cross that line time and time again. They lacked wisdom and truthfulness, filled with too much pride and vanity.

But now as he began to grow up far too quickly for a fourteen-year-old boy, he realized that there was more to people than just being good or evil, a saviour or tormentor, light versus darkness.

The definition of good and bad depended on who told the story and Regulus didn’t know who controlled his; him or his parents. The line was so blurred that he couldn’t objectively make the decision himself anymore. Was he more bad than good?

Laughter — rich and inviting beckoned throughout the library, snapping him out of his thoughts again; but it did nothing but chip away at his heart. Regulus got up, shoving his books and parchment into his bag, making sure to hide his face before they saw him. Today, the Marauders had come earlier than expected and he was caught off guard. He’d been doing everything to avoid them out of pure shame.

Before he went to turn, he eyed Sirius from the shadows. He smiled, carefree and happy, clinging onto Pettigrew, ruffling his hair like he once did to him.

What made them so special, so loved and cherished by Sirius? How were they able to make him laugh so effortlessly, able to brighten his day with a mere glance? What made them more of a family than he ever was to him?

But he knew, it was their family’s values and it had been taunting him every waking moment.

It’s not like he didn’t want to escape that night, but he wasn’t Sirius. He was never as bright or strong or as good as him. Sirius was bold and courageous and certainly had more bravery than he would ever have. Regulus was far too weak, a puppet for his parents to control. Sirius was everything Regulus was too afraid to be — a reminder of what he could have turned into.

Besides, there wasn’t a single doubt in his mind that his parents would have killed Kreacher had he left. And this way with Sirius gone, it left Regulus to be the sole heir. Sirius was free, not being hunted down by his parents now that he bore the title. That was his gift to him, freeing Sirius of all the responsibilities, pain and grief. He owed him that much. Besides, Regulus had already mourned the childhood he never had; that made everything easier.

The day Sirius left was the day before they were set to leave for Hogwarts again and the impact of his absence was massive. He no longer heard the thumping of loud Muggle music nor the clanking of piano keys or doors slamming shut. There wasn’t any screaming aside from his parents shrieking at him for taking his father's wand. The stairs creaked; he could even hear Kreacher padding his way to his room.

It was eerily quiet and lifeless in that damned house, and he was only gone for a day.

Regulus hadn’t been taking it well. Nearly every night, his face was pressed into a pillow muffling his sobs. Sirius had kept his promise, he hadn’t talked to him since.

If only he had a scarlet tie…

Ha! He could laugh; he’d been trying to get his attention in little ways. He’d even gone as far as growing out his hair to match his — coping by writing letters every night with words he wished he could’ve said before storing them in a box under his bed. Forever unsent. Hell, Regulus was a coward, every bit as pathetic as Sirius deemed.

Ever the winter break, his parents were relentless, dumping everything that was meant for Sirius onto him. Letters were sent daily; there were talks about an arranged marriage, lumps of money now being transferred under his name, getting the dark mark… and he was being watched. Every interaction he had, his parents always knew. Especially with Muggleborns; he had to limit his interactions with them to almost nothing, or it wouldn’t end well for either.

His mind reeled back to that night, where his parents and extended family toyed with that blonde Muggle, leaving her half-dead on the dining table, the image branded in his head. It made him sick just thinking about it, he never knew what happened to her, he was too busy trying to muffle out her screams.

Regulus had been questioning everything he was taught. Sirius’ words echoed in his head; was he willing to kill Muggleborns solely because of their blood status? He's a believer in old values and traditions: yes, blood should be kept pure, but to kill Muggles… that was completely different. He’d seen how his dearly beloved aunt was burned off the tapestry, threatened and almost killed for marrying a Muggleborn — a Muggleborn who he’s met and liked and respected. His family tortured them for the sake of it and more. That wasn’t the move of someone good, those were the actions of someone evil; filled with greed, spite and selfishness. But how was he going to stop a whole bloodline from their mania?

Some may call it obedience, the way he’s listened to his parents all these years blindly, but to him, it’s respect. But did he believe that? Did they deserve to be respected? He was miserable and this wasn’t a healthy way to show filial piety.

What did he believe in?

Perhaps there wasn’t such a thing, good or evil, maybe there was only power.

Regulus was lost and confused and most of all, lonely. He remembered Sirius promised him once, before the day he was set to leave for Hogwarts for the first time, that he would never be alone. What a funny thing, promises.

Tears were forming fast and if he didn’t leave then, they would fall any second now. He needed to get out of the library.

Regulus asked himself again; what made someone good or bad — or rather, was he good or bad? He’s veering towards bad.

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

After catching word from Mary that Remus’ birthday was approaching, Y/N had been knitting him a sweater in her spare time (or trying to). It was sweet, simple and showed that she’d put effort into it, especially since he taught her. Although, the sweater was lopsided and she hadn’t quite gotten the hang of a certain stitch or how to close sections. Perhaps she should use magic.

Her fingers fiddled with the needle, looping the yarn over the other side. Without looking up, she made a sharp turn into the library before crashing into a hunched-over figure; sniffling and a complete mess.

An apology dangled from her lips before recognizing the figure as Regulus. It had been two months since she’d last seen him and in short, he looked like shit. His skin was grey and lost all sense of a youthful dewy glow. If Sirius had dark eye circles or Remus looked tired, Regulus beat them by miles.

Y/N stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do before gently patting his shoulder. “Regulus?” She asked softly, nothing more than a whisper.

There was a flash of pure terror as he looked up, his eyes nervous as his head spun around to look around the place like he always did. He looked mad, almost unhinged as his hands gently pushed her away, signalling for her to leave. “I — I can’t be seen around you.”

“Can’t? What are you going on abo —” She cut herself off, ignoring the matter entirely. He clearly wasn’t in the right mindset.

His voice was strained, quiet as he kept on murmuring, he almost sounded angry. “You can’t — we’ll both get in trouble. Y/N, go — please… ”

At this, Y/N felt her skin rise in small goosebumps. She looked back to the library, just making out her friend’s figures before looking down at Regulus again. She wasn’t going to leave him like this: crying and delusional.

She took a deep inhale before bending down, picking up her needles and yarn off the ground and slipped them into her bag. She placed a cautious arm around Regulus to keep him upright. “Come with me.” But Regulus wouldn’t budge, not until she flicked down her hood, obscuring her face.

She led him up to the astronomy tower, walking and twisting around before setting him down on a nearby bench, making sure to lock any entrances. They sat in silence, aside from Regulus attempting to regulate his breathing. The cold whipping wind tossed his hair and sank into her bones. With a few charms, they were both warm again, but still able to breathe in the crisp air.

He remained quiet. Y/N didn’t push. Instead, she began babbling softly about random things to distract him. When she heard a sharp exhale of air, mimicking a half-hearted chuckle was when she knew he had calmed down.

“Thank you,” he muttered. It’s quiet, barely above a whisper. Regulus’ cheeks were pink, colour finally returning to him from either embarrassment or the cold.

“Any time,” she smiled warmly. Her hand reaches into her bag, fishing out the snacks that were meant for the study group: blackberries that were for Remus, a muffin for Marlene, were now shared between them. She tried to encourage him to eat, to regain any sort of energy.

He listened without complaint, a tense yet thankful air engulfed them. It was only until he finished the food, about an hour gone by, was when he spoke again. “Why are you being so nice to me.” It’s not even a question, just an odd accusation.

She thinks for a while, searching for the best answer. “I wished someone was there for me when I was going through a hard time.”

“But you don’t know me.”

Her eyebrows raised, “Well, let’s get to know each other then. I’ll tell you something about myself and then you can go?”

Regulus looked up at her with a calculated expression, cautious and looked uncomfortable but he nodded.

“Let’s start simple. I have an owl named Celeste.”

He gulped, looking back to the entrance. His answer came delayed, strained and she wondered if she had pushed him too far. “I play the violin.”

Y/N smiled largely. “The violin is beautiful! Hmm… I can’t ride a broomstick to save my life, unlike you.”

At this, he smiles — a real genuine smile that causes his eyes to crinkle and sparkle. “Really?” His eyes burned with curiosity before he looked down, “I can’t swim.”

“Swim?” She repeats, chuckling to herself, “Who doesn’t know how to swim?”

“You’re making me feel grand. Terribly uncalled for.”

Her eyes rolled, “You should learn. It can save your life one day. Who wants to drown?”

“Maybe I’ll ask McGonagall — I heard for tougher punishments she’ll throw you into the black lake.”

“You’re the perfect candidate then.”

After a while, way past curfew, Regulus seemed cheerier; his tear-stained cheeks now replaced with a smile and relaxation. That day, Y/N unaware, was a day Regulus would never forget.

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March 8th, 1976

“Sirius, shut up.”

“You’re the one yelling!”

“... Right.”

Excused from their afternoon classes because their Puffskein was about to hatch, the Marauder’s dorm was bustling with panic and bickering. When Y/N partnered with Sirius for their project, she expected fighting (which happened every day) but not for Sirius to be like this. He’d been running around the dorm, grabbing warm towels, bowls of water and taking out his panic on her. He gripped his textbook, flicking through notes to see if they had everything. It was as if he was preparing for the birth of an actual baby.

She silently watched him, her mind thinking about Regulus rather than their project. This was the only time she and Sirius were alone and wondered if she should mention his freakout the other day but stopped — it didn’t take a genius to know they weren’t on friendly terms.

Since that night, she’d seen Regulus almost daily, but only at night before their study group. She would spend an hour or so with him before the Marauder or girls came barraging in; Regulus left before they appeared. The entire situation left her deeply confused, worried and most of all, suspicious.

“We need Kettleburn —”

Annoyance began nipping at her. “Calm down.”

“I’m not going to calm down!”

Sirius paced, both firing snide jabs. Too preoccupied in his panicked state, he didn’t hear the quiet cracking of the white shell, forming the shape of a lightning bolt before cascading over.

“Um, Black?”

“Let’s not start. How are you so —”

“Get your ass over here now!”

Sirius pressed his lips together immediately and rushed over, both huddled side by side near the roaring fireplace. The shell twitched, cracking more and they both gasped in amazement. The process was faster than either expected as they saw the small tuft of cream fur peek out along with a pair of black eyes. Its long pink tongue slipped out, already looking for its first meal. Y/N scrambled to grab a nearby dish of dried spiders to feed it while Sirius cradled it in his hand. His smile was wide, buzzing with excitement as he observed it. His hands gently glided over the soft fur as it emitted a low humming sound.

A deep chuckle erupts from Sirius and she could feel the vibrations from how close they were. His laugh, which once made her cringe, now made her skin feel fuzzy and heart flutter. But, it wasn’t like that, she thinks. Of course not! She still wants to jinx him, maybe even throw him into the fireplace. Yes, that’s it.

She snaps out of her violent thoughts when she finds Sirius already looking at her, a pretty flush to his skin as he observes her softly. Her brows crinkled; instead of a frown or on the cusp on an insult, he smiles.

“Do you want to hold it?” Y/N nods eagerly. Sirius shifts his body, placing the Puffskein in the palms of her hands. It’s incredibly soft, adorable and when it leans into her, falling asleep, she swore she fell in love.

“What do you want to name it?” She mumbled, afraid that if she were any louder it might wake it up. Sirius takes a long time to ponder and Y/N braces herself for an insult, already thinking of a plethora of her own.

“It looks like porridge… Oatmeal!”

“Are you serious?”

“I’d be worried if I wasn’t.”

Y/N tries to suppress her smile but fails. The Puffskein did look like a grain of oatmeal. Plain and simple, she liked it.

“Hello, Oats! You’re so cute — I could just eat you up!”

“Morbid much.”

Hours went by before they ultimately decided to head down to Kettleburn’s office for an examination of Oats’ health. Sirius cradled it in a small blanket, shielding it from the rest of the world. Marlene and Dorcas were standing by the sidelines, joining them as they walked past.

“Yours hatched already? Aw, it looks so cute!” Dorcas squealed. Her hands reached out, giddy as Sirius gently placed it into her arms but not without fretting. Marlene only looked down at her with a soft gaze, her face becoming pink as she wrapped an arm around her.

“Give it a rest. She’s not going to drop it.”  

“Now you, McKinnon?! I’m a father now! Our kid deserves the best care! Right, L/N?”

It catches her off guard. Sirius trying to include her in a conversation? That’s a new milestone. “Of course; the proudest parents.”

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

Once done with Kettleburn, Sirius went to bring Oats back to his dorm, parting as Y/N went to find Lily who took her notes for her afternoon classes.

Out in the courtyard, walking around in the snow, both Lily and Snape wandered around before she picked up a snowball, throwing it at him. Snape sent her a deadpanned look as Lily kept hurling snowballs. Most missed him, others hit him before he retaliated and threw some back.

Y/N halted, watching the scene play out and debated whether or not to approach them. But decided to, shouting while striding up to them.

“Petals!”

Lily’s smile grew before her head whipped to her. She stopped her snowball fight, getting up to bounce her way over to her. Snape followed in suit, but as Lily began to babble on and on about what she missed, Snape’s eyes bore into her, vice versa.

“I’ll see you later, Sevy! We need to go,” said Lily, already turning to walk away. Y/N lingered back a pause, just enough to see Snape draw his wand and shoot a spell at her. She had just enough time to block it. Whatever spell it was, it sparkled like a firecracker. If Snape could easily send a hex or jinx her way inboard daylight with Lily just a little ahead, what was he willing to do had they been alone.

His angel persona around her was dropping quickly.

“Whiskers!” Shouted Lily. Her arms raised in question. “Get over here!”

A flurry of thoughts bombarded her before she could process them. She was about to cause a scene, yell and scream until that nasty sneer fell off his face until she felt a tug on her arm. Lily hooked her arm around Y/N, pulling her away. But she still had her wand drawn, ready to block another spell. She tossed one last look at him; he smiled wickedly.

“Are you okay?”

She had enough tip-toeing around Snape. She remained tranquil, gave him the benefit of the doubt and respected their friendship but that was enough.

“No, I’m not actually,” keeping her tone as soft as possible, trying not to sound defensive, “Why do you waste your time around him?”

Lily paused, her eyes going wide. An offended expression crossed her face as she took a moment to digest the remark. “Sev? What are you getting at?” Her tone was guarded which had Y/N debating whether or not to drop the conversation entirely. A fight with Lily was not on her to-do list.

“I just think you should be careful around him.”

“I can look out for myself,” she grumbled, “Severus has been there for me for years. I know how to separate myself from the wrong sorts.”

“I’m only saying this to look out for —”

“I know, but he isn’t like what you’re thinking.” Lily didn’t look mad, just tired as she nodded sharply. Taking a stack of parchment from her bag, Lily handed it to her and walked faster. “You’re around Potter too much. He isn’t like what he says he is.”

Y/N felt annoyance blossom in her chest at the accusation of James but bit her tongue to avoid more conflict. Right now, they trod on dangerous waters.

Neither spoke to each other for the rest of the day.