#makes me think abt that post (forgive me i doubt i could find it) talking about how like

[radioactive-mouse]

god i do still think it’s so interesting that most wizards (and even gale itself at times) talk about magic as though it’s an exact science, like, fantasy equivalent of being a STEM major, but during the weave scene gale explicitly compares it more to music and art and poetry, like!!

i know he has a thing for the dramatics but this is fascinating!!!

[tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang]

i think it was one of your posts that was talking abt muto disliking baji and kazutora? please tell me it was i cant find it nowhere i was thinking & mucho disliking baji for being a traitor makes kind of sense, but like.. how does he even knows kazutora at all? i can't really think of a way he would possibly meet/heard about him. he might've gotten info on him searching evidence about baji's 'treachery' in his past, but he would've needed to have access to police informs or something😭 since he wen to juive, he must be registered somewhere. so.. said access is not v probable. he could have contacts such as sanzu!! but haru is so weird about his way with mikey, and i don't think he would just spill that kind of personal info just like that at all.

another way could be izana told him wich would open a very interesting convo about izana/kazutora's relationship and how izana would feel about mikey forgiving kazu for killing shin but i highly doubt he'd tell him anything. he doesn't even think they like him and is convinced tenjiku s1 follows him out of fear. i feel like baji and kazutora being both disliked by mucho is kind of bcs they are a buy one get two but there's probably a reason behind it. i am just too tired to think straight and i'm not even sure this ask makes sens lol. but if it does, i would love to hear about what you'd have to say on this!!

It was one of mine, i remember that ask! And yeah i do think the reason Mucho dislikes Kazutora is because of what he did/ the threat he poses to Mikey and toman. Especially the way he was able to get Baji on his side (and they kidnapped Chifuyu to beat him up??? An actual toman member. Which yk 5th division is supposed to be stopping traitors and making sure this exact situation doesn't happen).

As for how Mucho found out, I'm guessing it was the same way Kisaki knew all about Kazutora's background and his grudge against Mikey. Which we never get a firm answer for but i think it might've been through gossip and rumours? The former 1st gen black dragons captain being killed is pretty big news so I'm guessing word would get around on who did it. Kazutora also wasn't exactly quiet about his hatred towards Mikey.

[everythingsinred]

I just read you have alternate au endings in mind and I’m VERY curious!! Do you have any posts abt them??

Hi !!!!

No, I probably don't... I can't say for sure but I doubt I have any specific posts about it. I talk a bit about some ideas here and I rant in general about the ending so much that there's a subsection in my table of contents (pinned post) about what I don't like.

Under the cut is a mishmash rambling of ideas lol...

So I guess I'll give you a brief run-down on what should change for me to be more on board with the ending. I hate Mikan having the stealing alice with a passion. I know that shows up pretty early, but I hate it and I usually forget about it because of how much I hate it so if I ever wrote a canon-verse fic (which I'm nervous about because of this very thing), she probably wouldn't have it, which would require me to shift a lot of other elements in the story. I just think it kills the importance of her nullification alice. She had a "useless", understated, subtle alice that could easily be taken for granted but that was actually super cool and useful in its own way, and the stealing alice is... not helping that issue. The stealing alice is immediately and clearly useful and showy and impressive, if a bit taboo. But that taboo element is rarely touched on with Mikan because she doesn't even know she has it for a while and she's immediately pretty okay with it when she does find out about it because it never really does wrong... Meanwhile, Yuka's story with the stealing alice is so much more meaningful because we get a deeper look into being outcast for her alice and how much of a burden it can be. Mikan doesn't have that relationship with the stealing alice, but its arrival undercuts her nullification alice and as a result her arc suffers.

I also think Persona took up way too much time. I don't really care if he has a redemption or not but the "We have to forgive everyone so we can all move and be happy now" message is so aggravating to me and not a lesson you should be giving a young audience so, I would get rid of that, or at least undercut it. (My issue with Persona's redemption is more about Mikan than him, actually.)

AND I HATE HOTARU SAVING NATSUME. I hate it so much. It's my least favorite part of the story, no contest. I'd delete that right away. Additionally, Mikan losing her memories has potential but none of it is used and then all of her relationships in the last chapter are minimized to elevate Hotaru, to the detriment of every other character on that beach, which pisses me off so much...

So I usually like an ending that looks like this: Mikan only has the nullification alice (and thus Yuka wouldnt have died, but would maybe have been put in a different bad situation, like maybe Mikan is still in the labyrinth as collateral over Yuka... that could be cool), and Natsume still dies (I love him dying) but Mikan saves him, and a huge help is Ruka. Maybe Mikan still loses her alice, and still loses her memories. In that case, the amnesia thing should be stretched out and actually used, instead of lasting a chapter because then it's just stupid and feels pointless. In this case, Hotaru should play a more subtle role (which is what she does best) and be the main one to chase after Mikan. That way the manga can still have the bookends of the best friends chasing each other, only this time it feels more equal. OR maybe Mikan doesn't lose her memories but since Yuka is still alive, she leaves the academy with her mom and they start some new life together for a reunion with friends later on.

OR she keeps her memories and doesn't lose her alice and instead everyone is happy at the Academy, particularly because Shiki is now in charge without the interference of the ESP so there's much-needed structural change that makes life at school a lot better and less prisonlike. TBH, I genuinely can't stomach the idea that the Academy doesn't undergo structural change because 1. That's such a cop-out and 2. It makes Shiki look bad and 3. It makes the whole story seem a lot more like child abuse apologism... which it isn't doing on purpose but OOF it is not a good look.

I also hate what was done with Goshima at the end there, so I would completely discard that.

Anyway, I actually do have plans on writing ONE idea of an alternative end at some point, but it'll require some thought and care so that fic will need some time to be written. If you have AU endings, please share because I hate the end we got and I don't think a lot of us actually like it, in the end.

[sothischickshe]

... Exactly 👏🤯👌😱

💛

I def feel like when discussing vague concepts such as (being in) love, ppl are kinda doomed to talk past each other cos we mean different things, but *I* tend to think of love as a verb, as an active action, as a choice, as a catalyst for healing... And I DO think it has to involve trust!! And respect!! And kindness!??!! (this is apparently one of the few topics I'm capable of getting puritanical and/or pearlclutchy about 😂 love is in fact sacrosanct 💁🏼)

I generally quibble with the vision of (particularly romantic) love as something which happens to a (particularly grown up) person through ~forces, that they ~passively receive & then are ~inescapably struggling under, yknow? An italicised oh of discovering/acknowledging feelings is all well and good, but the italicised ah of committing to them IS where romance lives iyam! 🤷🏼‍♀️

If I was creating a word cloud re Beth & rio's feelings in canon to/for/abt each other I think there'd be: lust, obsession, fascination, bafflement, recognition, (self-)hatred, rage, jealousy, shame, desire, pity, bitterness, pride, exhaustion, doubt, appreciation, regret, amusement etc etc etc and I think affection could def get a look in, poss even forgiveness, but LOVE?! hmm

I (often?) ship them & really have no issue with the messy toxicity (in fact, the messier the better!), but I do baulk at the idea of (dynamics/narratives like) their canon being presented as romantic/love. Partly bc the desire to tie everything into neat bows feels overly reductive & arguably infantilising: they literally ARE much more interesting than that!!! The openness of their ending, especially the way it primacied vague allyship over anything else, was fascinating, and I think intentional!! (plus vaguely tangential but I resent the idea that a sexual relationship 'has' to result in a romantic one, or that any relationship 'has' to be ~permanent to be valid/successful/meaningful etc etc etc.)

but also and mostly bc they're repeatedly terrible to each other in canon sdrrffggg. That's not what love looks like to me 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ like I'm not saying that love is a magic pill obvi, but describing canon Beth & rio as in love with each other feels... Depressing! and I'm not saying posting someone toes etc can't be romantic, but if everything's lined with manipulation and mistrust then... No, I don't think that gets to claim the love label, it's whatever that mishmash word cloud thing is rather 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I do believe they have the capacity/seeds TO get to that point (& the ability to at least somewhat recognise/contemplate that), but what makes the ship and characters so thoroughly compelling to me is that they're prickly and private and protective and GROWN UPS and horribly selfish and similar etc etc etc. And that journey to love is something I can find endlessly delightful in ff bc canon sets the pieces up, but it also sets the roadblocks up in at least equal measure!

The repetition of (lack of) choice as a theme in canon was v interesting, and while we kinda saw them choosing to protect each other/break the cycle towards to the end of s4 (or at least I think that's what we saw, the pacing and logistics were often bananas), shit was still fraught & presumably easily tipped the wrong way again. I don't think we saw them choosing love exactly, but we started to see them possibly having a path there?

...but I also DO really think that Beth's in love with ruby in (earlier?) canon 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ like seriously I can't think of anything that makes less sense if you assume this, and I can think of many things which do make more sense if you assume it! I'm not sure it's what canon was going for lol, but they literally gave us Beth & stan battling for Ruby's affections so 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤺

& i think that^ can give the beth/rio dynamic another (amazingly compelling!!) layer... It's about the loneliness and the rejection and the tragedy etc etc, and I think it's pretty easy to find the 🪞rio parallel to that (which doesn't need to be specifically romantic, but like it's pretty easy to hc that mick's betrayal was a lovers' spat, or rhea refused to marry him cos she thinks murder is immoral💤 & rio's still in a mood abt it, or he & Dean were actually childhood sweethearts but it all went wrong, or w/e 👀)

[c0rpsedemon]

i am curious, as someone who’s only exposure to arthurania was reading jane yolen’s young merlin as a child, would you mind saying why hnoc is a bad adaptation? i’m super curious but no worries if not <3

this has been sitting in my inbox for months bc i kept telling myself i needed to write a full essay with proof from medieval lit to make myself feel smarter.  however, since i’ve recently lost all credibility bc i can’t articulate points to save my life, and since i’ve realized that i could answer this in a just a couple paragraphs, now seems like the right time to answer this ask. sorry for the wait.

under a cut bc length

also warnings for mentions of racism bc this is hnoc we're talking abt and sexual assault bc this is med lit we're also talking abt

the basic problems are pendragon polycule itself, the story beats of the album, the fridging and lack of characterization of morgan le fay, the clear influence of pop culture arthuriana, and whatever the fuck happened with gawain/e.

pendragon polycule is... just not a good take.  there’s a bit in the lancelot-grail abt arthur viewing lancelot like a son (and lancelot not giving a shit abt him).  also arthur knew his parents for years before lancelot was even born.  plus lancelot just Doesn’t care abt him and i can’t stress this part enough.  arthur repeatedly tries to have guinnevere killed, mostly in the lancelot-grail, and guinn didn’t really have any say in marrying him bc she was a teenager.  lancelot and guinnevere is a lot better but that’s not saying much.  guinn doesn’t exactly treat lancelot too well... like at all, BUT it’s not intrinsic to their relationship and is completely caused by medieval misogyny and i’m all in favor of modern retellings saying fuck that.  but also lancelot has multiple pseudo-canon boyfriends (this is med lit after all), and one pseudo-canon husband so like... there were better options.  (also lancelot’s husband is basically in a lavender marriage with guinnevere’s maybe girlfriend who most authors just eventually forget abt as the story progresses).

this next one is a problem with a lot of modern arthurian works bc the inclusion of elayne of astolat is too much to ask apparently.  the grail quest isn’t tied to the fall of camelot, it just happens to be one of the last grand adventures the knights of the round table have.  the event that traditionally sets off the fall is the death of the maiden of astolat/the lady of shalott/elayne of escolat/she has a lot of names, her story has a few variations but usually she either is cursed to stay in a tower and weave and only be able to see the outside world through a mirror positioned across from her window, until lancelot rides by and she rushes to see him out of the actual window and her mirror shatters, setting off her death, or she lives with her father and brothers and takes care of lancelot bc he was injured for a time and she gets to go on adventures to find him and she’s friends with gawaine and she dies bc lancelot rejects her and this version’s a lot more fun but also more happens which makes it harder to explain.  the way her story ends however, is that she dies after she makes arrangements for a glorious boat to drift from astolat to camelot carrying nothing but her dead body and a letter explaining that she died of love for lancelot du lac and the court mourns the death of such a beautiful and young maiden (her age varies a lot but i’ve always read her as a young teenager at most).  but the important thing is, camelot is doomed from the moment she washes up on its shore bc she’s an omen of the end and has symbolic meaning and all that, the maiden of astolat washes up on camelot’s shores, the court mourns the loss of a maiden in her prime and she marks the end of camelot’s prime as well, morgan le fay reappears after being presumed dead and warns arthur of guinnevere and lancelot’s affair, aggravaine and modred conspire to bring lancelot and guinnevere’s affair to light, they succeed but lancelot escapes, guinnevere is to be burnt at the stake and lancelot rescues her, killing aggravaine, gaheris and gareth (gawaine’s brothers) in the process, gawaine drags his uncle and camelot to war bc he was driven mad due to the loss of his brothers, lancelot accidentally kills gawaine, his best friend and maybe boyfriend (i have RECEIPTS), and gawaine forgives him on his detahbed while lancelot and guinn rejoin arthur, meanwhile modred, who practically had the throne handed to him, usurps and invites the saxons in, camlann happens, and camelot is destroyed.  no where in there is the grail quest.

morgan le fay is honestly the most questionable part of the album bc there’s not a single text where she dies.  like....  at least with eurydice in udad she died in the original... there’s no basis for morgan dying.  also she is NOT modred’s mother and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar, she interacts with him once in the vulgate bc she had three of her nephews over and that’s IT.  it’s a horrible take which originated in the mists of avalon by marion zimmer bradley who is an honest to god monster for reasons i don’t want to trigger tag this post for.  also she’s one of the most dynamic and thought-out characters in the entire canon and they just made her a watered down morgause (modred’s actual mother, morgan’s sister, canonical milf)... there was no reason for it to be her apart from the fact that she’s more well known......

pop culture arthuriana is,,, one of my least favorite things.  no, morgan wasn’t modred’s mother, no, morgause wasn’t abusive but her husband sure was implied to be, no, aggravaine didn’t kill his mother, that was gaheris, he loved his mother, you’re only saying that bc he has a reputation as the “evil” orkney, no, the once and future king is not a good descriptor for arthur, stop making me read it, no, morgause wasn’t the one to initiate the thing with arthur resulting in modred, no, lancelot and arthur weren’t friends, no, tristan wasn’t a self-centered asshole, tennyson is a fucking liar, no, galahad didn’t have sex or want to, he’s one of the first ever explicitly asexual characters out there, no, galahad’s conception was NOT consensual, lancelot was tricked, and no, elayne of astolat wasn’t galahad’s mother, she’s implied to be younger than him.  those are just the big glaring ones, but i swear it’s bc of arthuriana’s reputation as a mythology and the connotations belonging to that word (no one true canon (which is true but there are still things that just AREN’T canon, not completely written down, passed by oral tradition) that causes ppl to see mediocre modern texts and go “oh. well this is abt as close to the original as i’m going to get” and don’t bother to look into so much as malory (who i only name bc he’s one of the most well known medieval authors with the most commonly used storylines, don’t read malory kids, he’s a mediocre-at-best writer even by medieval standards).  the big perpetrators of modern arthurian tropes are the books the once and future king by th wh*te, who is a shitty person and lets it bleed into his writing (which isn’t like... nice to read or anything, seriously why do ppl love this book so much it doesn’t have redeeming qualities), and the mists of avalon by marion zimmer bradley (it’s poorly written, the story is a mess, and mzb is honestly a monster and one google search will tell you that), and unfortunately the writings of tennyson, which are mostly good but he clearly didn’t read the povest (a later text that’s also my favorite, known for significantly improving ppl’s opinions on tristan, isolde and co.) before deciding he hated both tristan and isolde and he has HORRIBLE takes on them.  high noon over camelot is SEEPED in pop culture arthuriana and i think it would have been so much better if the band had read so much as a SUMMARY of the events of le morte.  it’s evident in the song “the once and future king” bc it’s,,,, literally named after one of the worst books in existence.  it’s shown in the morgan le fay thing, and it’s shown in the pendragon polycule thing.  and hell, i think you can even explain away the lack of elayne of astolat with pop culture arthuriana, bc ppl have had bad takes on her ever since th wh*te combined her character with that of ela*ne of corbenic, and the band probably went “huh, let’s write lancelot’s abuser out of this” and they would’ve been right to do so if that’s who elayne of astolat was.

the final big issue is gawaine, the closest thing the genre has to a protagonist, he’s pretty much canon bi and, in some texts, arospec, he’s a dashing knight of great reknown and he derails every romance to steal hearts, commit murder, and make out with every knight and lady mentioned.  and in hnoc he’s... racist.  that’s it.  it’s,,, almost completely unfounded by the arthurian canon and shows a major misunderstanding of his motivations (like i said earlier, he wants to avenge his brothers bc there’s a reoccuring motif of how much the orkneys value family).  i say almost bc in one text it’s his motivations for killing palomydes but i’ve never heard it mentioned by name bc that’s just what it’s known for.  most arthuriana fans just look away from it except when critiquing hnoc but that one text is an outlier, shouldn’t be counted, and i highly doubt the mechs made hnoc gawain how he is bc they found this text.  it’s just a bad text.

hnoc has,,, quite a few more minor issues, such as villainized ladies of the lake (their ONLY crimes were sealing away merlin bc he tried to assault teenage nimue/ninniane (proto-nimue/vivianne from the vulgate), and that one time vivviane/ninniane kidnapped adopted baby lancelot), assigning brain to merlin (y’know,,, the predator who helped arrange the [redacted] of arthur’s mother and tried to assault a teenager,,,) although merlin is portrayed in a positive light throughout modern arthuriana so i don’t think they knew, giving a song to pellinore, who my perception of has been forever altered bc i was introduced to him through malory and the explanation of torre’s conception, which you can just look up “sir torre arthurian” to find out abt if you can’t just Guess, if they wanted a song abt the questing beast palomydes was Right There AND has been associated with the questing beast for longer, but once again i don’t think they knew.

also namedropping a bunch of knights in the fiction is... it Suggests a bigger world full of all these other stories but they just don’t work bc the world of hnoc wasn’t designed in a way where the appearance of half these characters would make sense.  like,, tristan is referenced as dying in the grail quest in the same sentence as bedevere (one of the characters who is known for almost always surviving), but tristan Isn’t one of the knights who dies on the grail quest, his possible deaths (ignoring the potentially happy ending of the povest for a second) are either being murdered by his uncle, king mark (bc mark married tristan’s gf to try and get tristan killed and also to spite him), bc he was driven into a fury bc of tristan and isolde’s affair, or he’s injured and only isolde (the best healer in the world) can save him so he sends for her and if the ship he sent for her is supposed to fly white sails if she’s there, or black sails if she’s not, and the ship flies white sails but his wife (also named isolde) says it’s black sails (the why depends but usually comes down to jealousy), and so he gives up bc he thinks all hope is lost and usually succumbs to his injuries, either way isolde dies of a broken heart over his body.  there’s no way for the tristan and isolde story to play out like it’s supposed to in the world of hnoc, just as there’s no way for any story with gawaine (and Oh Boy are there a lot of stories with gawaine) or pretty much anyone else, without severely altering the canon.

of course, there are still parts of hnoc i like a lot, most of the music i adore and i just like the idea of space cowboys and the secret good hnoc that lives in my head.  and it has one of my favorite characterizations of galahad, even though galahad hnoc is nothing like galahad arthuriana.  it’s not GOOD but i like it and it’s fun to turn my brain off too, and i’ll always value it as my introduction to arthuriana.

also there are modern arthurian tropes i do like such as characters being genre-savvy/knowing they’re fictional/knowing they’ve done this before (which hnoc does wonderfully!) and bedevere-as-the-storyteller (everyone say thank you lord tennyson).

WOW that was longer than expected, i feel very passionately abt this, when i was planning to write a fully sourced essay i meant to include a bit at the bottom with recommendations to get into better arthuriana and i think i’ll keep that in this post.

if you like hnoc for the arthurian music i’d like to suggest heather dale’s arthurian music to you, she does occasionally fall into the trap of modern arthuriana (some parts of lancelot and arthur being close, morgan as modred’s mother), sometimes she’s just wrong (galahad at lancelot’s trial, a lot of tristan and isolde), and her stuff is kinda straightwashed sometimes (sir gawain and the green knight, for example) but i’d be lying if it wasn’t catchy, and it’s not quite as bad as hnoc adaptation-wise.  culwch and olwen is pretty accurate (albeit abridged bc culwch and olwen has SO many tangents), as is lily maid (it’s abt elayne of astolat!).

if you liked hnoc for king arthur... in space! then may i recommend to you my own fanfic? it's not posted yet but the second i finish writing the first chapter i'm going to make a Big Deal out of it that'll be impossible to miss!

if you want to learn abt arthuriana through tumblr-osmosis like i did at first, i’d like to recommend the love of my life @acegalahads, first and foremost (it’s me on a sideblog i’m just obsessed with myself), and i can’t recommend my arthuriana mutuals over there, @/gringolet, @/merlinenthusiast, @/jcbookworm, @/elayneofshalott, and @/elaineofascolat (the elayne urls have been popular recently), also i know for a fact that my mutual-in-law, @/itonje makes great arthuriana posts that i look forwards to whenever i open the tag.

here are a few good reference posts, a quick guide to the characters, a guide to characters of color, and a much more comprehensive intro to arthuriana post with even more texts linked to it.

if you want to ease into med lit, i’d like to introduce you to pre-raphaelite poetry, alfred lord tennyson and william morris are my favorites, although tennyson can’t be trusted with tristan and isolde.  the poem the lady of shalott is basically a rite of passage for arthuriana fans, although when it comes to tennyson’s writings abt elayne of astolat, i prefer lancelot and elaine, which is part of his much larger story, idylls of the king.  for morris, don’t trust what he says abt aggravaine killing his mother, but my favorites of his are sir galahad, a christmas mystery, which sounds like a shitty disney sequel, and palomyde’s quest, which i blame for my love of palomydes (that and the one bit of the povest where he asks tristan to be his greatest enemy and that he wants nothing more, gay ppl,,,,).

if you want to read abt lancelot and his husband, there’s the lancelot-grail cycle, which i believe was taken off of archive dot org and i think i found it on @/tobeisexhausting’s blog but don’t quote me on that.

the povest, which was a religious experience for me and i can’t reccomend enough if you want to like tristan and isolde, is here, i don’t know who scanned it but i think i found it on @/lanzelet’s blog

the dutch texts are just good in general, here’s a link to their section of a(n unfinished) site for hosting various texts by my former mutual @/reynier (who’s no longer on tumblr).  i’d like to recommend lancelot and the white hart specifically bc it’s mainly just just gawaine being gay for lancelot.

if you want older works, here’s my scan of the history of the kings of britain, and here’s culwch and olwen and pa gur.

oh wow this is even longer than i thought it would be so i’m going to wrap this up by saying that i always love to talk abt arthuriana more than anything if you have any questions or just are curious!

[sunsetsover]

i'm so sorry about the election result, it's pure shite :( for headcanons/fics, god PLS do either mama highway coming back oR callum and lexi x

don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault :-( it’s david cameron’s fault.  he literally started this whole shit storm and now he’s pissed off somewhere meanwhile the rest of the country is fucked lmao danny dyer was RIGHT

i would love to talk abt mama highway tbh but i feel like in order to do the subject justice i’d have to really sit down and go back to see what callum/stuart/j*nno have said abt her in the past bc i remember little bits (like didn’t callum talk abt getting a valentine’s card from her last year? but then stuart told whitney that they hadn’t spoken to her in years? so did they retcon that out? idk i have Questions) but i probably don’t remember loads so maybe i’ll come back to her another time and do a proper post abt it. but i do really hope she comes into the picture at some point in the future bc i think it would provide some really good conflict for callum (like just imagine the undeniable anger he’d feel towards her for leaving him with j*nno vs his desire to have a mum and some semblance of his own family... trying to figure out if he wants her around and if can forgive her or if he even WANTS to forgive her... like what if callum wanted to forgive her but stuart wanted nothing to do with her and it caused a rift between them? there’s so much the writers could do w that and it would be so GOOD) and some much needed background/history for callum and stuart. like there’s so much missing there bc none of the highways have really spoken abt her or what happened at all so all we really know is that she left and has (assuming the valentine’s thing has been reconned) never really had anything to do w her sons... but like why did she leave? WHEN did she leave? did she go bc j*nno was an alcoholic and scumbag, or did her leaving make him like that? did she leave for good and basically have nothing to do with any of them, or was she still a mother to them initially? did she try to take them with her, or was she happy to leave them behind and live her own life? does she have other kids now? like??? there is SO much there and it would be so good to explore and it would be so much fun to write.... @ ee hire me

(also lmao i said i wasn’t gonna talk much abt her but look.... i just can’t help myself apparently)

but callum and lexi... god their relationship really is so sweet and i am especially emo abt it today.... i just think it’s so interesting how ben having a kid has never ONCE been a problem for callum like he embraced her straight away and is more than happy to be a part of lexi’s life and god yeah i just love them sm

here are some headcanons for ur enjoyment (i’m sorry i didn’t write u a fic but i do have a lot of callum/lexi in the fics i’m gonna be posting soon so i hope ur not too disappointed 🥺️):

callum is really nervous initially to spend time lexi outside of like normal everyday stuff - like taking her to school, for example, or being around during her bed time. it’s not that he doesn’t like her or doesn’t want to be there, he just doesn’t want to impose. and he worries that he is imposing by doing stuff like that, or maybe she didn’t actually want him there - or around at all - and is just too polite to say. ben assures him, when callum tells him that, that if lexi hadn’t wanted him around she would definitely not have a problem letting everyone know. callum had appreciated him saying that, but didn’t believe him until one day when he was stood in the school playground with ben waiting to pick her up, and she had burst out of the building and went straight for callum, eager to show him the picture she had drawn for him during lunch, when they’d been kept inside because of the weather. ‘oh that’s nice, innit?’ ben had said, feigning insult, ‘you draw a picture for callum, but you don’t draw one for your own dad?’

they bickered playfully while callum had just stared at the picture, a little bit confused as to what it was he was looking at, but appreciative of it all the same. it even had ‘to callum’ in spiky, childish letters written in the top corner.

he turns back into the conversation just in time to catch ben saying ‘no, you can hold callum’s hand if you like him so much’, to which lexi whines and tries to pull ben’s arms away from his chest where he’d crossed them tightly so she can take his hand. he caves a moment later, lifting her up and throwing her over his shoulder and running off with her. a few other parents look over when they hear the commotion - lexi is half laughing, half screaming, and ben is tickling her sides, growling something that sounds like ‘you’re my baby, mine’ - but ben doesn’t even seem to notice. he just stops by the gate, looking back at callum, waiting for him to catch up.

the picture goes straight on his fridge as soon as he gets home. he doesn’t doubt what ben tells him about lexi ever again.

the first time callum and lexi spend proper time alone together, it’s the school holidays and ben is ill at home, and lexi is going a little stir crazy being stuck in the house, which really isn’t helping ben feel any better, but no one else can look after her bc they’re at work or out. so callum offers to take her out for a little while, get her out of ben’s hair so he can rest. he’s never seen ben so grateful.

they only go to the park, but lexi seems excited anyway - holds his hand on the way there without him having to ask, doesn’t wonder too far away from him. he pushes her on the swings for a little while then sits off a ways to watch her play with the other kids at the playground. 

at one point she trips and falls while running and callum absolutely freaks out bc she’s scraped up her knees and palms, but lexi bothered at all. she doesn’t even cry. in fact she’s already stood herself back up by the time callum gets to her, dusting the gravel off her raw knees and palms. she even makes to run off again - callum has to stop her so he can take her somewhere and get her cleaned up.

he’s still freaking out, so he takes her to the pub, figuring mick would know what to do. mick, much to his dismay, laughs when he sees the state callum is in about the whole thing (compared to lexi, who is very much over it), and pulls out a first aid kit for him to use. callum sits her on the bar, and lexi chats to mick about what they’d been doing as callum cleans the dirt off her scrapes, then slathers them in antiseptic cream and carefully puts plasters on both of her knees. he honestly thinks he’d been less stressed dealing with literal war wounds.

callum orders her a lemonade and a packet of crisps out of sheer guilt, which makes mick shoot him a look that screams ‘soft touch’ even as he pulls out a glass and starts filling it. then, as callum passes money to him across the bar, he can’t help but ask mick ‘what am i gonna tell ben and lola? they’re gonna kill me’. mick just laughs. ‘they’re not gonna kill ya. she tripped and scraped her knees, halfway; she’s a kid, these things happen.’ and then he’d passed him his change, and they’d both looked at her, drinking too fast through a straw, kicking her legs against the bar from her stool. ‘look at her,’ mick had said, ‘she’s absolutely fine, ain’t ya?’ and lexi had just smiled around her straw and nodded.

(for the record, ben and lola had not killed him when they had found out. in fact, lola had laughed nearly as hard as mick had when she’d seen how guilty he felt.)

less specific but lexi loving to sit on callum’s shoulders bc he’s so mf tall that she feels like a giant

lexi inviting him to come see her in her school play and callum getting embarrassingly emotional about it

callum being the ONLY ONE who can make her eat her vegetables........ like she will only willingly eat them if she knows callum has cooked them.... it’s actually a bit of a problem bc now she won’t ever eat vegetables anymore....

ben coming home to find lexi AND callum sat on the floor colouring, so immersed they don’t even realize he’s there

callum and lexi being the early risers in the house so most weekends they’ll end up sitting on the couch, sharing a blanket and watching cartoons in the morning while they wait for everyone else to get up

i could literally talk abt callum and lexi all day but i’ll stop there bc this post is long enough as it is but just know i Love Them

💖💖💖

[aerisse-remade]

hi its time to talk shit again

im gonna be doing these with su (like i said in the tags lmao) bc i cant answer like half of these with vocaloid so,.,

all of this is gonna be under a cut so sorry @ app users ig

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

uhh gregpearl, jaspis, grasper, pewey, pretty much all gem/men ships except gregrose. also steven/gem ships

2. Are there any popular fandom OTPs you only BroTP?

amedot maybe?? i like it tho, i think it's cute

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

not yet, but i definitely will if i find out if ppl hold certain opinions lmao

4. Do you have a NoTP in your fandom? Are they a popular OTP?

my ultimate notp is jaspis. jasper deserves better than to be shipped with her literal abuser lmfao. not only is it the most popular jasper ship, its also popular overall unfortunately :////

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

LAPIDOT. i still like it a bit, but the fandom (and canon) has made it worse lmao......i miss old school lapidot

6. Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?

i dont think so? i can't think of any

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

uhh i guess lapis? i wouldnt say that i cant stand her now, but i do hate her lmfao. she used to be so good pre-jailbreak.......i'll never forgive for what they did to her

8. Have you received anon hate? What about?

surprisingly no! im really surprised ive never really gotten shit for thinking (more like realizing lbr) that jasper was the victim in the malachite situation (or for shit talking jaspis lmao). bc lapis stans always wanna excuse the shitty things she did and blame jasper for everything :///

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

lapis. nd its super petty but it's literally just bc of how she treated jasper, got away with it without facing any consequences, AND bc of the fandom turning around and labeling her as the victim and shat all over jasper and calling HER the abuser instead

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

the sardonyx arc. the show made it seem like garnet and ruby were somehow in the wrong for being angry at pearl ?? when they had every right to?? id be pissed too if someone i trusted broke my own trust and used me/my relationship for their own benefit. ....also i dont really care for sardonyx herself tbh

11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

ronaldo!!! everyone hates him but like.....he's my boy. he reminds me of a friend i had in hs

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

uhh i dont really go into the tag much anymore, and when i do its for art, so i dont know how it was recieved overall. but i know that a lot of ppl really hated the human zoo arc (and with good reason too!). yeah the human zoo was incredibly fucked up and bad, and there were better ways it could've ended, but ig overall i was ok with it? i wouldn't say i loved it, but i certainly dont hate it either. i was glad to see blue diamonds design revealed (even tho its not how i imagined her ://), holly blue, the famethyst, and yd and the pearls singjng

13. Unpopular opinion about XXX character?

uhh i'll just do peridot. i honestly dont care for her much anymore after she lost her limb enhancers. and i see a lot of ppl complaining abt her and lapis not being in the recent episodes but im really glad theyre not tbh. im so tired of them

14. Unpopular opinion about your fandom?

the su crit crowd makes really good points sometimes. yea some of them reach sometimes but for the most part, they make really good observations nd have made me think about the show's writing more. everyone shits all over them without actually looking at the good stuff they post

15. Unpopular opinion about the manga/show?

it's not as progressive as many claim it is. sure, it's got a lot of lesbians, poc, and women overall, but the show has a real bad habit of treating it's poc and butch characters like shit while overly focusing on the white(coded) and femme characters

16. If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

GOD i would change a lot of things. the main thing i'd change is how the whole mala situation went down and how jasper and lapis were written/treated. i would also have peridot either get her limb enhancers back or make new ones for herself. i'd want steven to at least TRY to free the humans and the famethyst from the zoo. i also think itd have been really interesting for him to take one of the bubbled rose quartzs with him. ALSO BISMUTH. free her!!! she didnt deserved to be bubbled again nor did she deserve to be treated like some villain for wanting to shatter literal dictators :///

17. Instead of XYZ happening, I would have made ABC happen…

instead of lapis tricking and imprisoning jasper, she'd either have said no and let the cgs handle jasper, or have just punched her off like she did to her in alone at sea. or she agreed, formed malachite, THEN in chille tid, told steven where they were so the cgs could come and poof them and bubble jasper. for bismuth, instead of her getting angry and fighting steven only to end up bubbled again, i wouldve had her actually talk to steven. say smth like "rose said the same thing" and actually listen to him and come to some sort of agreement and not be bubbled at all. or yknow.....have steven agree with her that the diamonds are bad and actually want to try to liberate all gems

18. Does not shipping something ‘popular’ mean you’re in denial and/or biased?

not really lmao? theres a lot of shitty popular ships. tho i will say that if you dont ship rupphire then like.......wyd

19. What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

their treatment of butch characters and non-stereotypically feminine gems lmfao. esp jasper and bismuth, and ppl always wanting to call non feminine gems "wow a male gem finally!!!" (jasper, ruby, bismuth, blue zircon). not to mention the (probable) majority who literally think jasper abused lapis :///

20. What is the purest ship in the fandom?

rupphire, no doubt about it

21. What are your thoughts on crack ships?

uhh as long as its not pedophilic or shipping the gems (besides rose) with men, then im probably ok with it

22. Popular character you hate?

lapis

23. Unpopular character you love?

ronaldo. and also jasper ofc. but i dont know if shes actually popular or not. it sure feels like she's unpopular tho.....

24. Would you recommend XXX to a friend? Why or why not?

yeah, but only so i'd have someone to talk with about it lmfaooooo

25. How would you end XXX/Would you change the ending of XXX?

uhh i guess for me i'd want jasper uncorrupted, happy, and not barned, first of all. i'd also want bismuth unbubbled, all the other corrupted gems healed n happy. the rubies, famethyst, zoo humans, topaz, zircons, and off colours all happy living on earth. i also want all the bubbled rose quartzs to be saved, and possibly any other gem on homeworld being free from the diamonds rule. or yknow....,just have the diamonds stop being dictators and dismantle the hierarchy/caste system. if the diamonds cant be redeemed somehow, then they should be shattered

26. Most shippable character?

fuck if i know

27. Least shippable character?

steven ig? you cant really ship him with the gems or most of the humans soooo

[ilygsd]

201018

ffs im doing it againnnnn. i google and read shit that scares me but then i wont do anything abt it except for overthink and get anxious and fuck shit up and be an annoyance and then hate myself for doing this again but still go back and hope for him to forgive my emotional ass

im just so scared of fucking shit up again. i know i cant change the world, i need to change my attitude and know that i can get through shit even if people leave me. I CAN!! i am strong enough!!! i HAVE improved!!! i CAN! i have people who loved me and truly cares for me!!!!!! things are goong well with other people. people i dont really care about but they’re still evidente that i AM FUNCTIONING AND NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY

but those people were and are nt’s. even if im a paranoid emotional bitch who cant really feel it, i at least got some rationality that tells me that not everyone is after me.

its different with him.

i dont know if i actually care about him or if its my issues and insecrities or his manipulative charm that draws me to him but the feeling i get is so intense. and it scARES ME!!!! he could totally just take advantage over me?? i dont want to be paranoid, i want to BELIEVE HIM but my anxiety and all these other quotes and posts i read tells me i should get the hell away from people like him. and like....... i dont know if its just me overthinking or if its actually dangerous? im weak, i dont trust myself with him. im weak for him.

the fact that im more anxious because of him should be a sign right?? but on the other hand he makes me feel more alive. life is interesting with him but im also scared thats ”a part of it”. everyone says its a nice experience in the beginning. that they’re oh so charming to inpress you but then they’re going go change and its going to be to late.

and what does THAT MEAN? too late?? i dont think he would murder me or become physically violent, but his apathy will definitely hurt me either way. it STILL hurts me NOW and he’s not even doing anything ”mean”. like.... that’s who he is. he doesnt even have to manipulate me, the fact that he cant feel or give emotional love is hard enough for me to accept lmao.

and i mean he told me about his disorder? isnt that something? he seems pretty carefree. he answers most of my questions but he doesnt talk much about himself at all. he just seems bored. he told me he used to think people were annoying and slow (high IQ + narcissistic traits) but that he realised its not the world, but he who is different. and now the only thing he lives for is like his goals.

at first i thought he wanted to hurt and use me. instincitvely. he used to compare me to a deer, careful and beautoful (wow, such a charmer, so poetic) and in that case he’s a predrator. a social oredrator. he can take any shape he wants. its not me or his ”love” for me holding him in place, it’s only him. only him. him and the moral compass he set for himself. i dont think he wants to hurt me for fun, but he definitely would without doubt if i ever got in his way. perhaps not MORE than necessary, but as much as needed for him to get what he wants. but he’s patient. definitely. and i sont know why im worth waiting for. i dont know what i have to offer him.

we had sex yesterday. it was nice. but he’s one horny fuck and im emotional. he doesnt seem to care about the emotional stuff because the physical part is the only thing he can feel anywyas. all the love-shit yesterday (and any other day) is for me.... or for him... idk. i dont think its necessary for him but he does it because i want it and i guess that could be seen as nice?? at least he thinks so. he gets annoyed and anused when i question his sincerity. (says he might as well cheat and shit but like... yeah and u might as well be a mudder too whats your point??) but on the other hand he probably wants something more in te end. like my trust or something? it cant be sex. it wasnt THAT good and i he doesnt really care about the person he has sex with. he doesnt think of people, barely watch actual people but more lile hentai and the idea of sex. it could be control and power though. i know he wants me to test new things. one time i felt like he forced and treatebed me to drink coffee despite me not wanting to and i did. and i felt SHIT afterwards and i got SO paranoid and isolated myself for a week and he was a bitch about it and basically told me i overreacted and yeah maybe i was because i got SCARED of him and what he can do but i also could’ve handled it better and not let it scare me an understand i have a choice etc. but anyways, he’s stopped with that shit at least the threatening part like ”if you dont taste this coffe i made you im taking away the blanket”. and now he just liggtly pressures me. which i have to admit is okay? it made me try tea and i liked the tea. he also wants me to pierce myself and i actually would like that. he made me send him lewds (kind of) but i stopped because idk, i didnt like i. and idk i am happy i tried. im insecure and he makes me more adventurous. i just dont hope he will pressure me more or it would get worse. he’s like ”i would never force anyone to do anything” like yeah thanks thats.... nice to know.... he’s so weird. he makes offensive jokes that i bormlly would get extremely teiggered by but...... its different with him. i DO get annoyed but i also know there’s literally zero behind his jokes. i asked him if he likes the rection but he says he likes the power over the situation he has. he likes to tease me but he always makes sure i know its only joking and im not being serious. it seems like he likes the fact that he COULD leave me thinking he was serious but he choses to not. idk though, cus the fact that he always tells me when he does something ”not manipulative” is a bit..... suspicious lmao. he’s asked me to smoke weed though and im like super pure but honestly why not. he also made me drink and masturbate next to him. wow, he’s made me do a lot of stuff..... but idk, i lile the praise afterwards LMAO

so im just here trying go figure out what the fuck it is?? he doesnt talk much about himself or the people in his life. i asked about his friends and family but the only one he talks about is his ex girlfriend and best friend. at first i was so skeptical i was like ”omg why would she be with him, is she also a victim of his manipulation, or maybe she’s the same?” but idk. she seems ”normal”. he admitted she had similar issues to emotionally connect with people like him but that she’s not aspd. i also happen to know she’s a chinese adoptee as well and to compare with my own attatchment issues it wouldnt surprise me if she got the opposite of me.

anyways, at first glance you would think he loves her dearly. but when thinking about it he doesnt really express any love. just appreciation and thats what he said himself. for practical reasons. they help each other, he with her medical shit and she with his finances or something. and i want to believe in that. that he’s just looking for good deals with people. i get something out of him and he gets something from me. not anything emotional, but not necessarily him using people either. and he can be emotional, he is trying to be emotional for me. COGNITIVE EMPATHY THOUGH!!!

i dont know. i hope it is like this. i dont want to believe all the shit stories about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. yes i am low key scared to death that he one day will snap, change comPLETELY cus that’s basically who he is. i just hope.......... he won’t lmao. and i hope he wont just use me when he’s got what he’s wanted. and i reALLY hope i wont settle for his fake love. i deserve some REAL ACTUAL LOVE. i dont mind living in a fairytale with him someimes but i DO NOT want to lose myself to him. i deserve love, i deserve someone who loves me like i love them. no matter how much or how good he imitates love he wont ever be able to. PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR THAT.

ive KIND OF come to accept who he is and that was hard enough for me, but i did it because he makes me do things and he makes me feel like i want it. also im scared that im too obsessed. like i really dont find anything interesting except for him. thats NOT a good sign. i feel like i both gain and lose myself with him. being with him is like living in a bubble. but when i meet other people everything’s as normal. i just dont want to isolate myself.

i dont think he would turn my friends or family against me

he says he teases the people he feel comfortable with. i cant get that. he’s changed. i sometimes feel like im a little sister. he took me very seriously at first and was very respectful and kind. now when he’s mee comfortable he’s more of a dick abd more straight forward when he thinks im overthinking or negative or annoying. and i am. i am annoying with him. its so weird but the moment i see him my EMO JUMPS OUT. i can be fun with other people and talk about other things and watch stuff but when im with him i just want to talk about sad stuff and feelings abd myself lmaooo. and yeah he finds it annoying and i get that. but i guess its cus we’re both a bit comfortable?

however he doesnt tease his ex/bff he says. its so weird, he says she was in charge in their relationship and i just cant imagine that cus hes so dominant. he said he started to respect his body etc AFTER their relationship so idk but i still cant imagine it cus he’s still doesnt feel empathy so there was no reason for him to obey her?? im curious about their relationship. i wonder what it was like......

what scares me is that i always feel inferior to him. thats ny good in a relationship. at the same time its the way i imagine relationships. he protecs me and i’ll obey him. its not that im always inferior, i tell him to piss off and fuck you when im annoyed. bit thats only joke. when tt gets serious he is always right. kind of. he’s like a dad as well. idk

all these posts are about sociopaths literalky tappning on thet victims and being CRUEL. but he’s not cruel, he’s just aprhtic, ubemotional. of course he CAN BE CRUEL, everyone can, but he chose not to. at least not yet. UGH. i feel so good with him. it felt better after a week with bo contact but i still wanted him because i was afraid i would lose him if i wanted more. which makes no sense because if i dont want him then i wouldnt want him. but wat if satt with him. i read blir people being married to sociopaths for 20+ years and i dont eant to be robbed 20 years!!!

he values actions more than words. in many ways he’s more high-functioning than me, and im a normal neurotypical while he’s an antisocial. thats why i was drawn to him anywyas. i wanted his help to handle my feelings and stuff. but idk. when he apologizes he doesnt mean it, but he still stops. when i apologize i mean it, but i dont stop. he could help me stop and he wants me to stop. bit thats also the only thing he values and it males me feel unappreciated sometimes when i actually TRY MY HARDEST

all these posts also fuck me up because idk if they’ve just encountered a mean sociopath, a mean normal neurotypical or if its just a sociopath. like i feel like people only focus in the bad stuff and call anyone ubemotional and cold abd mean a sociopath. thats not what i want to hear. i want to learn about them objectively??? they cant feel i get that. its mostly just girls writing about their fuckboy ens. like he thought i thought of him as a fuckboy but i dont. hes not a fuckboy, i hate fuckboys even more than i hate him. fuckboys are like..... just MEAN. for no reason. lmao idk. i mean he’s mean because he cant FEEL, he has no conscience. fuckboys are mean and so feel guilt but they pretend they dont and thats just pathetic. this persson id mature. fuckboys arent. hes sometimes immature too i guess UGH and narcisstisk UGH but lile..... idk. i just wouldnt go for him if he was a fuckboy. i dont get attracted to fuckboys OR bad blys