#makes it hard to motivate myself to do much more than game and lay in bed

[pesterloglog]

Rose Lalonde, Dirk Strider

Act 1, page 610-614

ROSEBOT: Looks like you're getting pretty good at motivational speaking.

DIRK: Well someone needed to shake the rust off of her.

DIRK: She's getting nerves.

DIRK: Right before the big game.

DIRK: We're never gonna make it to nationals at this rate.

ROSEBOT: Ah, fuck. The sports.

ROSEBOT: How quickly I forgot them.

DIRK: There's gotta be some kind of sports penalty, for forgetting the sports.

ROSEBOT: Oh, definitely.

ROSEBOT: I've been very bad and I need to be punished, to preserve the integrity of the sports.

DIRK: Let me just slip into my jackass sports judge mime outfit and get to laying down the fucking sports law.

ROSEBOT and DIRK: Let's stop saying sports.

DIRK and ROSEBOT: Agreed.

DIRK: Speaking of outfits, though, look at you.

ROSEBOT: You like it?

DIRK: It's chic.

DIRK: I dig the return of the hood.

DIRK: You could deliver a whole hell of a lot of cryptic prophecies out from under that sucker.

ROSEBOT: Yes, well, I figured that if I'm to appear before our chosen peoples as a harbinger of their simultaneous doom and salvation, I may as well look the part.

DIRK: Do you feel the part?

ROSEBOT: It doesn't really matter what I feel.

ROSEBOT: We have a job to do, and I'm trying to enjoy myself to the best of my ability while we do it.

DIRK: Trying, huh.

ROSEBOT: Speaking frankly, I've grown tired of...

ROSEBOT: This.

ROSEBOT: Fussing over all the tedious minutiae of getting the baby's room ready.

ROSEBOT: The prospect of this Contest was entertaining to me for a time, but the longer it drags on, the closer we draw to the due date, the more it... repulses me.

ROSEBOT: I'm glad you've agreed that we're basically done tinkering here. I don't think I have much more patience for it.

DIRK: I can tell.

ROSEBOT: I'm also glad you've elected to hear Terezi out vis-a-vis the timeskip and save us the hassle of guiding the Deltritans manually.

ROSEBOT: I know it must be hard for you.

ROSEBOT: Dirk?

ROSEBOT: Dirk.

DIRK: Sorry.

DIRK: Got caught up with something.

ROSEBOT: Far be it from me to stand between you and your enigmatic somethings.

DIRK: You're welcome to stand wherever you like.

DIRK: Anyway, no, it isn't that hard for me.

DIRK: It'd be fun, but as I keep having to explain to people, I'm willing to compromise on certain points.

DIRK: Though I will say it's unfortunate to hear you making them, instead of our complainer on retainer.

ROSEBOT: What can I say?

ROSEBOT: I don't feel particularly inclined to play house right now.

DIRK: Not even with me, huh?

ROSEBOT: Not even with you.

ROSE: Thank you for taking me with you, Dirk.

DIRK: Yeah?

ROSE: I may be less than enchanted with this stage of the work, but I know it's important.

ROSE: It's just straying dangerously close to a lot of things I'm trying not to fixate on right now.

ROSE: Wounds that are still fresh, for me as a sum and for the myriad legions of my parts.

ROSE: Home.

ROSE: Family.

ROSE: Petty, little things.

ROSE: Personal things.

DIRK: Those are important, too.

ROSE: Not as important as this is.

ROSE: For all my temporary discomfort with the prospect of settling down on Deltritus and starting what could very loosely be considered a family with you, I want you to know that my heart is in what we're working towards-

DIRK: Technically, you don't have a heart.

ROSE: Shut up.

ROSE: - and that I'm happy to be here with you.

ROSE: Not drifting around in a constrictive, small pond, getting caught up in trivialities like politics and celebrity and romance,

ROSE: But saving the fucking universe.

DIRK: ...

DIRK: Well.

DIRK: You're welcome.

DIRK: I don't think there's anyone I'd rather be doing this with than you.

DIRK: The rest of them just don't have it in them right now to understand what it is we're fighting for, here.

DIRK: They can't grasp the stakes.

DIRK: Even now, they're on their way here, actively trying to stop us from saving them all.

DIRK: They'll probably catch us right before our entrance into the Game, actually.

DIRK: I won't insult you by asking if you're going to be okay when the time comes to face them, demanding answers they won't accept to questions they aren't even asking, because I know that you will.

DIRK: So I'm glad to have you with me.

DIRK: I'm glad you understand.

DIRK: I'm doing this for all of us.

[wildermouse]

Anything new lately? How are you?

ahh !!!

so like in life, nothing has really changed. my sister is back home for now and it’s been good hanging out with her. feel like i’ve really been bonding with my sisters this past year and it’s been nice.

i did, however, go to a Lights concert (my 7th or 8th one i think) and i held her hand (again) and it was amazing but what was even more amazing is that i dressed in a STATEMENT outfit (will post pics) and it was revealing and it was HOT and i felt GOOD and i got so hyped up by everyone even my MOM who only scolded me bc apparently i shouldn’t have been wearing any underwear with the pants i was wearing 💀💀 (pls mom they matched my top it was a good look (you’ll see)) and my friend & i went to a taphouse beforehand and got a couple drinks (i haven’t drank with anyone in SO LONG) and i got a little tipsy and we laughed SO much and it was healing and then i got two more drinks at the concert so i was feeling GOOD and i initiated conversation with this group of girls beside us and we mingled groups and i was so confident and talkative and flirty like oh my fuck i told them i was in my slut era and then my mom said she’s in hers too 💀 which they all loved and two of them at one point ran their nails across my scalp and the back of my neck and when i tell you i melted. jfc. in the middle of the club in a crowd at a concert. pls. and then i asked if anyone liked hugs bc i need a hug and this very tall hot woman volunteered and she held me dude. she fucking held me for a solid couple minutes and it was amazing. and then i hugged my sister and it made her emosh bc i don’t do that. there’s more to the night but oh my god it was just so fucking good. one of my favourite nights for sure. and the best part is i DON’T REGRET IT!! i almost always regret everything i do/say after i drink not bc i do anything bad it’s just that it makes my social anxiety fuck off so i’m more outgoing and vocal than usual. but nah, i was who i want to be. i’m growing.

i have TRAVEL PLANS !! my wifey is coming to visit at the end of next month and we’re gonna road trip!! gonna be so good i’ve been wanting to do this particular trip with her forever. then the rest of the plans are still up in the air but i’ll be going back to europe in the summer, and MAYBE in spring for a big tattoo but i’m thinking of postponing that til at least next year.

might move in w my mom spring-summer and start horseback riding again but that’s so complicated bc i’ve gotta take care of my sisters animals while she’s at work hhhh

i joined a warrior nun discord and have been making friends on there and it’s been sooo nice. i like actually have people to talk to. + the warrior nun fight is going so well and i love actually being an active part of the fight. y’all go watch warrior nun i s2g

idk like not a lot is currently happening but my mental state has been SO good since the beginning of the year. i think i was so burnt out for so long i needed last year to just.. lay down and do nothing. and it sucked, but i feel a lot better now. i feel motivated and i really wanna figure life stuff out. it’s hard bc it’s not all up to me but i’m working on it.

tomorrow is my birthday and instead of sulking away alone in my room i’m actually going out and bringing my friend with me and going to buy myself little birthday treats and getting tattoos and i reached out to people i haven’t seen in a long time and they’re hopefully joining me for board games and it’s just nice. the fact that i’m allowing myself to be happy on my birthday, to try and let myself feel worthy of others’ attention and time, to not beat myself up about wasting another year, so actually want to be seen. i think it says a lot about my mental state and i don’t remember the last time i’ve felt like this for longer than 10 minutes before the guilt sets in

so yeah. i’m good. i’m really good. or at least i’m starting to be <3

[kilosch]

Journal Entry: 10/02/2024

Morning Exhaustion & Teamlet #2 Meeting: I woke up at 7:55 a.m., just in time for the 8 a.m. Teamlet #2 meeting. I felt like shit, honestly—completely exhausted. I attended the meeting while lying in bed, barely keeping my eyes open. Somehow, I managed to take notes, even though I was just laying there. DMH led the meeting, so I didn’t have to engage too much. Afterward, instead of getting up, I started catching up on emails. I’m still waiting for the DMH MCWs and CHWs to do their referrals, so I feel stuck until they get to it.

Low Motivation & KFC Leftovers: I skipped breakfast and grabbed some leftover KFC from yesterday along with a Red Bull. It’s hard to motivate myself to do anything these days. I feel like crap most of the time, but I still managed to help out with answering questions from the RNs and OTs, following up with them on different issues. One funny moment was when Kaci asked why I wasn’t in the office, to which I responded with some sass: “You miss me already? Smh.” She apparently couldn’t stop laughing and explained she was in the office because her afternoon visit was a no-show, so she stayed to get some charting done.

Paperwork & PulsePoint Incident: Later, I grabbed the apostilled paperwork from the Secretary of State and gave it to my aunt so she could mail it to the Philippines. While I was outside, I noticed an LA County Fire truck nearby, and my nosy self couldn’t resist checking the PulsePoint app to see what was going on.

(PulsePoint is an app that allows users to monitor emergency activity in their area. It tracks medical emergencies, fires, and other incidents. It’s also used by first responders and nearby civilians who might be able to assist before official help arrives. Sometimes, it even shows when APRUs (Advanced Provider Response Units) are deployed, which consist of a nurse practitioner or physician's assistant and a firefighter paramedic who provide on-site care to prevent unnecessary ER visits.)

Turns out, there was an APRU deployed, but it wasn’t an urgent situation, so I just went back to minding my own business.

Debrief, Banter, & Upcoming Departure: The 3:30 p.m. debrief went smoothly as my boss Vanessa (the NP, not the OT) led the discussion for Team 2. The EMT gang started asking if I had already told my supervisors (Julia RN, Elisa RN, Vanessa NP, and Lauren OT) that I’d be leaving soon. I told them I had, and of course, the bittersweet comments started: “STAY, PLEASE!” I joked back that I’d rather be making $65/hr as a police officer than staying here for $22/hr. We all laughed about it and joked about county salaries—definitely a moment of levity.

Park Ranger Opportunity & Thoughts of Nessa: After the meeting, I checked my phone and saw an offer from LA City to take the Park Ranger test, which is a law enforcement role. I wasn’t sure if I should go for it, so I shrugged it off for now. I also saw the last conversation with Nessa still on my mind. I’ve been thinking about asking her to grab coffee sometime and chat. She has an interesting background, and I’d love to learn more about her. Not in a creepy way—I just find her story compelling.

Dinner, Errands, & a Curious Encounter: In the evening, I defrosted some meat and cooked dinner for myself and my siblings. After that, I ran some errands at a nearby Mexican market. There, I had a strange yet intriguing encounter with the cashier. We locked eyes, and I couldn’t help but feel like we’d met before. She was attractive, with circular glasses, tree tattoos on her right arm, and plenty of rings. She looked like a mix of Hispanic and white, about my height (I’m 5'11"). This wasn’t the first time we’d exchanged smiles, and it left me feeling curious but confused. I brushed it off, though—I don’t have game like that.

Late Night Anxiety & Reflection: After dinner, I pushed myself to finish some referrals because my anxiety was nagging at me. It’s now almost 11 p.m., and I’ve taken melatonin to try to sleep. I’m debating whether I should head into the office tomorrow instead of procrastinating at home. I know I need to get out of the house—this depression is weighing on me, and staying home only makes it worse. I’ve got to do something different soon.

[mypointerfinger]

June 25, 2024, 1:45am

to preface, this will most likely be an on-and-off, up-and-down “blog” (if you can call disjointed thoughts that), so if this were to gather any attention on a whim, don’t look forward to a schedule. this is simply a way for me to rant.

i’m laying in bed and i’m listening to a playlist i set up to really plunge me into being upset. a lot of dreamy and beautiful music that helps me get worked up, cry, and then go to bed. i have work in 5 hours, but i’m always late, so more like 5 and a half hours.

i fucked everything up. honestly, only sometimes i feel like it’s my fault, other times i feel like people are weird, but tonight i just feel lonely. it’s been 4 years since i had a true group of friends i could hang out with in person, and we’re closing in on a couple months from losing my online friends. it’s not even like we grew apart, it was a very sudden removal of me from their lives. currently i have maybe 2 people i would consider true friends, one of them lives in Texas and the other just moved to New Jersey about an hour and a half away. the one in New Jersey i grew up with, but we haven’t spoken regularly in a long time. my friend from Texas is a guy i met online, but truly one of the only people i could ever say i trusted 100%. i wanna say i’ve hung out with him in person 3 times, maybe 4. it’s overwhelming when i say that because that’s basically the only times i’ve hung out with someone in person in the past few years. nowadays he’s pretty busy, he’s doing a lot better societally and monetarily than me as well so we don’t relate as much as we used to. i wish i could say i was as motivated as him but my biggest struggle has always been sloth. working a part time job and still being too tired to go in every day you’re supposed to is pretty impressive, right?

as a note, i’m just making separate paragraphs whenever i feel like my thoughts are getting to a new topic.

i feel like i have something special to offer to the world, but i’ve struggled to figure it out since i was a kid. truth be told, since about age 13 i thought i would grow up and kill myself before i got to college, and when you think like that for most of your conscious life, you don’t exactly plan for what’s gonna happen after you’re supposed to be dead. i take a lot of interest in the area, my grandfather was an architect and my mom owns an art studio so they’ve definitely influenced my hobbies. my problem, however, is analysis paralysis. i enjoy a lot of things but can’t dedicate myself to one of them. and not to be up my own ass, but i think i’m pretty good at making what i make, too. i’ve seen some success making gaming content but like i said, never dedicated myself to it. as soon as it started to pick up i just quit. the success thing doesn’t even matter to me right now, i just want to be loved.

i have it relatively easy. i live with my parents, bills are pretty nonexistent, and i could probably move out in a month if i worked enough and stopped buying stupid shit. and although i have it easy, being alone 99% of my time is fucking killing me dude. i have acquaintances online, just gaming buddies, but they don’t really know me. i want FRIENDS. i want people that really love me and can be brotherly or sisterly around me. i want to meet a girl, someone i can see marrying and having kids with. that’s my biggest fear, never falling in love again. i had a girlfriend before but it didn’t work out, and i don’t wanna talk about it. it makes music hard to listen to. i wanna reate to love songs, songs about heartbreak, but i haven’t felt any sort of feelings for anyone in so long now. i just want somebody i can even have a crush on, but my job is very secluded. i work with 6 or 7 people including my boss and his wife, the people there aren’t exactly people i’d usually associate with. there’s a dude in his 40s, an asian kid that wears clothes too tight and doesn’t shower, a girl that i don’t find attractive but tries to flirt with me, and a gay dude that is super shy. they’re just weird people, and i know this is coming from someone that’s complaining about being lonely, but i want to keep my circle strict. letting anybody in means i’m more susceptible to getting betrayed again. the last group didn’t even tell me why they cut me off, i just got blocked on everything one day with no explanation.

it’s been some of the most painful weeks of my life recently. i’m in my own head most of the time, i don’t have any distraction from myself. even at work, most of my time is spent sitting down waiting for something that needs to be done. i feel uncomfortable in every asset of life. there’s nothing i look forward to, nobody i want to be with, no one i could take on a date, nobody to look up to. the honest to God truth i haven’t taken myself out yet is only because my parents would be devastated. i’m a fuck up on every sense of the saying, and i know they know it, but i don’t want them to know i think that about myself. another one of my biggest fears is my dad’s outlook on his only son. i saw a TikTok about a dad that has a “loser son” and it was framed sarcastically, like the post was definitely supposed to be a funny skit, but it still hurt. i’m the loser. my dad played football, he was in the military, had a promiscuous life in his 20s, and owned his own shop for a few years. when he was my age, he was just buying his first house. i have 500 dollars in my savings account. it shatters me and embarrasses me that my interests are so stereotypically dorky. video games, storytelling, MMA, weird music, and cars. i know that he thinks i’m a fucking loser and it makes me feel like i SHOULD just get it over with and die. although i’ve demystified my parents, i still want to make them proud.

my previous relationship ended over a year ago, and she moved on. i still think about her every day. i don’t know if it’s spite, or anger, or whatever it may be, trying to let it go is hard. i don’t want anything long distance anymore. the last time i saw her was at her college. we hadn’t been able to get any privacy together before that and obviously we wanted to have sex. everything went fine, but both of us were virgins and she said it hurt too much when we tried, so she ended up crying and i had to comfort her while i needed to be comforted myself. the last thing i wanted was to hurt her, and the whole experience put me off of sex entirely. even though i still have a sex drive, i’ve gotten pretty nervous in any physically intimate encounter since then and ended up cutting it short. this Ukrainian girl and i had a little thing last September. i took her on a few dates, we kissed on the 2nd date, and the 3rd date we saw a movie. during the whole movie we were cuddled up with the arm rest pushed back in the back row of the theater. she kept putting my hand under her skirt on her ass and i didn’t wanna be too feely, but she kept putting it there. after the movie when i dropped her off, she told me to pull over a litte early. she wanted a kiss, and i was expecting a peck, but she wanted to full on makeout in my car. i cut it after 10 seconds because i was scared after what happened before. the next time i saw her she told me she just wanted to be friends. i still wonder if it was my fault or if she was using me, but either way it sucks. so who cares?

that was the last date i had. there was another time i met up with a different girl, but she catfished me. she photoshopped all her pictures and used face filters, and when she showed up i wasn’t attracted to her at all. she didn’t even dress up for lunch, just wore ripped black jeans and a dirty cardigan. the only reason i wouldn’t count it as a date is because i was instantly out of date-mode when i saw she lied to me. i was speaking with another girl in February but again, she was photoshopping herself. part of me felt bad that i stopped talking to them because bluntly, they were changing their weight in their pictures, but i can’t just pity date someone. they lied to me, y’know? it bothers me a lot that girls do that so often now. i wish the internet wasn’t so influential on people. that’s a topic for another time, though. i’d like to lay out my basic gripes here before i complain about anything else that’s opinionated. right now, i want this to be purely real life events and not stupid things i have too much time to talk about. anyways, dating is hard. i think i’m a pretty good date, i pay the full first date and i’m honestly not conserved unless she’s really really pretty. it just hasn’t worked out yet. it’s very discouraging, and i actually deleted all my dating apps because it feels wrong. just looking at women like a catalogue and picking my “favorites” for a chance at them. i don’t think the type of woman i want is going to be on a dating app, but then we fall back into my original problems; i don’t know how to meet people and i’m scared of making them run away.

i’ve always felt that some people are meant to be here, and others simply were the wrong sperm. a different sperm was supposed to win that race, but against all odds, that person won. i’m that little sperm that should’ve lost. that feeling plagues me, just constantly thinking i’m not supposed to be here. i’ve had a small amount of sense in me recently, at least enough to check those thoughts temporarily, but they always come back and fuck with me.

(just wrote a sentence along the lines of “i know some of you can relate” as if anybody is gonna read this)

i’m gonna just leave it here. when i inevitably revisit some of these concepts, or notice a typo in this dumb little memoir, i hope i have the self respect to at least cut myself slack. sometimes i just need to let myself vent, and tonight was one of those nights i felt like it’s all my fault.

love, j

[readingelena]

some days

tw: mentions of dying, ed's, suicidal thoughts

some days i feel. i feel deeply, unfathomable things. “normal” people wouldn’t be able to grasp how disgusted a single person can be. disgusted with themselves. other people would be shocked about the horrendous things i think. i guess that’s why i don’t tell anyone. i’ve got this perfect image and won’t risk ruining it.

some days there’s a cloud in my head. a dark one. one which makes me lash out and be even meaner than i already am. i hate myself for it. for not being able to control my emotions. for not being happy. most days i know it’s not my fault. my brain is just fucked up. but what the hell do you do with a fucked up brain? you can’t just take a break from it. it’s always you versus your thoughts and that’s just playing a losing game.

some days i hate my body. i look in the mirror and can’t find a single thing to like. i look in the mirror and somebody else stares back. someone i only find mean things to think about. someone i wouldn’t wanna befriend. a person who looks as ugly as i feel. as fat. as stupid. as horrible. i know you shouldn’t say those things about yourself. it’s only gonna upset you more. but how do other people endure it. the constant monologue in their head. for me it’s just a fucking menace. another thing to hate. i mean sure there’s people who are just flawless. so beautiful and confident that you have the feeling they suck the confidence out of everyone around them.

some days i feel like i’m never going to be fine again. like all i wanna do is hurt. hurt. hurt. hurt. it’s like i’m silently screaming for attention. attention i’m not going to get. people have lives too and it’s not my right to just barge in with my silly little problems. a part of me tells me that i should talk to someone. who? i can’t let down my parents, i’m the perfect daughter, the one who doesn’t struggle. i can’t make them suffer, not when these days it feels like we’re finally fine again. i can’t tell my sister, not when she’s already has all these silent battles she’s fighting already. i can’t tell me best friend, she has stuff going on too. and some days i feel like she’s not even my best friend.

some days i just want to be left alone. people who say teenagers just want to spend time with their friends are wrong. i don’t have the energy anymore. my social battery has run out and i can’t find the urge to be around other people. i just want to lay in my bed and do nothing. maybe read a book. sometimes it’s so bad that i just stare into nothing and hope time will pass faster.

some days i feel like giving up. what’s all this about? school is shit most times and all the hours i’ve put in it don’t seem to pay off. the praise i’m getting doesn’t seem worth it any more and i’m just so damn tired. i can’t motivate myself to anything. right now i’m supposed to do schoolwork it’s late i haven’t done anything and still i can’t bring myself to do it.

some days i think about dying. when i tram passes me for a slight moment i think about jumping before it. how it would feel. i would never do it. i couldn’t disappoint my parents, they’ve had it hard enough after my grandparents’ deaths. but i think about it. more often than i would ever admit to anybody. how all of my problems would just vanish, but i can’t be so selfish. i know there are some people who would miss me. i don’t want to sound egoistical but i know i have people who love me. still i feel like that. what is wrong with me? when i’m sitting on the windowsill i think about jumping. i live on the 3rd level and i sometimes think about the way my body would splatter to the ground. probably dead on impact and it doesn’t really scare me. should it?? when i’m going to bed i’m often thinking how much easier it would be if i didn’t wake up. if i just died peacefully in my sleep. it would be such a shock for the person who’d find me but i would just have a break from all my problems. forever.

i often think the thought of dying should scare a teenager more than it scares me. i think about how fucked up a brain has to become to tell yourself things like that. like dying is the only possible solution.

some days i dream of telling someone. in most dreams it’s him. even though we hardly get along i image he would understand. i have no idea why. there are enough days when i hate him so why do i think that? he’s good at reading people and i often wonder if he thinks about the fuck ton of thinks swarming in my head. if he, of all people, notices something is not as fine as i like to pretend to. it’s just a gut feeling, but i guess he would know what to say. i wonder if he thinks about things like that. he’s so interested by psychology and peoples thoughts. would he be able to get it???

a.n.: i believe that anybody going through something will be able to conquer it. this is just something my mind made up at 3am. there's no need to worry. i love you wherever you are you're not alone. also my inbox is always open if someone needs to talk/vent. i'm always open to listen! lots of love elena <3

[akaiconquistador]

knowing my sources

What do you do when the purpose is now a stranger? Lying down, looking up, knowing at my core I’m not a lazy person, but in the present having a hard time causing action, making any real change. 

That’s a hiccup- real change. When does someone know when they’ve made real change? How do you recognize when change is significant? Questions that can either be answered with more questions or a simple personal truth. 

I’m a fan of analogies and comparing life to a game of cards is one of my favorites. Knowing what you have, how it can be used in different scenarios, and how to read the room. Getting angry over a bad hand is a complete waste of time. Giving in because the pockets start to run thin, only when playing with strategy, not talking gambling. Some hands gotta be folded; better to fold and jump back in than go broke. 

I’m talking my ass off, but analogies keep me sane. Another one of my favorites is the circle: what goes around comes around, the circle of life, planets, orbits, the fact that men like ass and titties, both spherical objects. Anyways, when I get mad, sad, happy, disappointed in myself, proud of myself, motivated to go do shit, and especially when I’m unmotivated, I think of the energy of that feeling and how I share that with everyone else on earth, and how my decision of what energy to act on will contribute to the overall earth energy. Using today as example, I didn’t want to do shit. I was in bed thinking about how life wasn’t turning out the way I’d hoped and that all I wanted to do was stay there, not eat, not put effort into anything significant. In the moment I wasn’t thinking about the energy, but I forced myself to go do some shit, therefore not contributing to the unmotivated energy. Now I had that unmotivated energy to start, and the work I forced myself to do wasn’t the best, but in the end I’m happier I did shitty work then no work. 

Today, in the grand scheme of changing the world, or my town, community, even household, it probably didn’t do much, but repeated energy cannot be ignored. A basketball coach once told me the basketball gods know how much you want it, and the days you’re in the gym sweating your ass off laying brick after brick might just be the most important one.

My takeaway of the day: know my sources of rejuvenation and force myself to perform them on the foggy days. 

[rainwaterapothecary]

#I AM BUT A FOOL WHO CAN ONLY WRITE ONE SHOTS HOW DO YOU MAKE SUCH COOL EPIC STORIES#YOURE ALL SO TALENTED LIKE WUAGH

I mean SAME but alsdgjhsadflakjd basically for me I like to lay out what I want to cover...in increasingly detailed blurbs.

My first blurb will usually be incredibly bare-bones:

That's the outline of the whole second half of my fic "The Lovers Confidant". (I clearly go back in and cross out ideas that don't work later or copy+paste ideas in as I go. In fact, I don't think I ended up using any of those ideas in the end.)

On my next pass, each chapter gets a little more detail:

Then I'll start digging into dialogue and figuring out what goes where:

I've found that foreshadowing tends to happen organically as I write? Like I'll have written something and at some point when I'm staring at the ceiling three months later I'll be like HOLY SHIT THAT ALL WRAPS AROUND---

And that's the beauty of having such a bare-bones setup, for me. I can write in later additions using highlight or parenthesis:

Every highlighted section was added after the initial pass, each building on the last. (For illustration purposes only, having that much color would drive me bonkers, personally, but everybody's different!)

(I'll also have my sticky notes open in a side tab so I can copy+paste my rough outlines onto it and have it floating nearby - useful for dialogue ideas.)

Then I actually start writing! Long-form helps my stories to unravel themselves as I type, and if something changes in the long-form then it's easy to go back and edit the outline because it was so bare-bones:

For Lovers Confidant I had to have a calendar with all the important dates in it since the game is sort of rigid when it comes to that, so I also had a segment for that.

Here's my calendar for REUnion, actually, since it has so many moving pieces behind-the-scenes:

(It's then followed by a ton of notes and links to wikis and whatnot bc I'm going hard on it.......)

And then it's just editing, editing, EDITING all the long-form over and over again, re-arranging and copy+pasting sentences/paragraphs that don't work into a side document. This is when you can wrench out anything that's slow or not hitting how you want (if it didn't trip you up while writing in the first place).

I also swear by HEADERS!!!!!! They allow your document in Word to make each chapter collapsable and you can easily re-arrange them by just dragging them around on the side pane:

I can make a tutorial if you're interested in that, it's a Microsoft Office thing I picked up at Business College(TM) so idk how many people actually use it. It probably carries over into other word processing programs too.

But honestly? For me it's about jumping into the writing process as quickly as possible. I know I'll psych myself out of writing, or find something to distract me, etc if I don't just fucking write.

The longest fic I've published is only like...30k? But having chapters written down long-form is still more motivating than staring down an idea that could be 130k and just having a few sentences written.

AND ANOTHER THING!

While I'd like for some of my writings to be 50k+ eventually, it's more important to me to have the idea take all the time and space it needs. If that ends up being 800 words? It's 800 words. If it ends up being a oneshot that needs to be broken up into chapters to make it make sense to my readers? Then that's what it needs! I don't know if I'll ever be a writer with 100k+ fics and multiple-work rewritings of entire book series...But dangit my ideas are going to be written to the most authentic they can be. Only I can write my ideas, only I can craft these stories that dance around my head.

And that's fine!! I'm not a huge name in fandoms, I don't have millions of words under my publishing belt... But I'm me, and I'm happy with that. :)

(And yes all my writings are in Bookman Old Style, it helps the ideas flow. If you're ever stuck, try switching fonts. I've heard Comic Sans is useful for some people, while others swear by Helvetica. :) )

To all my so so so so beloved fanfic writer mutuals I’ve gotta know,,,,,,, h o w w w w w w do you write a long multi-chapter fanfic. Like how do you a cohesive and compelling story without it getting boring, how do you write cool plot twists and character motivations that lead up to a defining moment, how do you write things that happen early in the story and then come back later etc etc BASICALLY. HOW DO YOU WRITE. IS WHAT IM ASKING

[godlyhermitcrab]

Not to be cynical, but...

Having just graduated a couple of months ago, life kinda sucks right now. I can’t get a job, employers are still rejecting me, and I still have family members asking me if I have a job yet. Whenever they ask they just come off as so ignorant, “Oh computer science, there’s a lot money in that” they say as if they know what it’s like being asked to have 2+ years in experience in something I just graduated from. But they don’t know any better so I just smile and nod as if it’s nothing.

I think my ideal life is just one where it’s me and my dog, in an apartment, where nobody worries about me, and I can just do what I like. It just bothers me to have to be hounded by everyone over what my life is like, what I should be doing, everybody around me trying to fix my problems. Sometimes I just wish I could take everything at my own pace, but unfortunately, life doesn’t move like that...

Every time my stepdad comes home from work, I have to get the “So what’d you do today?” in a passive aggressive tone, because I don’t usually do much. I usually have to come up with something, because if I say “Not much” then I’ll get the “Well you should...”, “I want you to...”, “Have you tried...?”. I know they’re just trying to help, which is why I don’t say anything, it’s something better kept to myself, anyways. 

I don’t even consider much of what I do very significant. I could have worked all day, and I would still say “Not much”, but that’s not enough. He needs details, I swear it’s like he needs a detailed report of everything I did at every hour of the day.

This is compounded with me slowly realizing that I don’t really much motivation to anything. Before, school was my motivation. I programmed and coded because I knew that would get me closer to graduation. Now, though, I realize that I don’t feel like coding or programming, even just for fun. School was one of the few things that kept me going.

At the very least I know I like learning. I believe that if money were no object, I would just go to school forever, getting a new degree every time. But it’s not like there’s really a way to get paid for that (At least not that I know of). So for now that is sort of a dead end.

The worst part is the laziness. Like I seriously lack a motivation to do much of anything. There’s a lot of things I could do to improve my life, but I never feel like doing any of them. Why? Why can’t I just strive to be a better person? Instead I lay down or sit inert, doing the same things over and over again, ditching responsibilities all the way. I could work out, I could try to learn a new programming language, I could wake up earlier in the mornings, but instead I stay up late with video games again. Why?

I think I would do more coding stuff, like I would love to work on personal projects or something, but I can never bring myself to do it unless it is completely original and has never been done before, which is a dumb notion to start with. I would love to program Terraria mods, which I have kinda worked on. The moment I get to sprite work though, i stop. Either that or I realize that the mod does nothing new, and if I did want to do something new, that would require real effort, so I stop.

Why do I find it so hard to do stuff for my own sake, happy as long as I did my best? Even in school I was happy with mediocre work, as long as I did my best, because the requirements and what made it a good assignment were clearer cut. If I’m left to judge even smallest amount of work I’ve done, I just hate it and give up on it.

It doesn’t matter how many strategies I read or advice I hear to help with things like that, I can never actually internalize that information and use it. Stuff like that is always easier said than done, and somehow I can never just output the effort to make that change happen. It really is very demoralizing.

I guess I’m done with this post now. This is definitely stuff I should be telling a therapist/counselor, but until I get that help, I’ve been needing to get these thoughts into the world for a very long time, so I might be posting stuff like this just to get it out there. Also, please try to avoid judgement on anything I said, I am just a stranger on the internet, after all. Thanks for reading, if you did. Hopefully I can look back on this one day and be happier about how much I’ve grown.

[jaskicr-a]

UGH okay my queue ran out today so I definitely am going to be on writing potentially tonight and definitely tomorrow. I’ve been intending to but ?? things have been kinda intense here and it’s really overwhelming

[maxkirin]

Hello! I hope you don't mind me dropping by into your inbox with my overly specific writing question.

I decided to enter a writing contest as a way of giving myself a deadline and motivate myself to work on a story idea that I've had brewing for years. The problem is, I'm behind schedule because I can't settle on a plotline other than a starting point, themes and a vague end-point.

I've looked for advice for tackling this length, but they all say "you've only got x amount of words to work with, so don't cram too much in" -- but as a serial underwriter, it's not that helpful to me. The more I see that kind of advice, the more the word count becomes daunting to me, and I become even less motivated to put words on a page, even if I know objectively that it's not /that/ long to most people.

I ended up joining a writers' group for participants of the contest thinking that having a community would encourage me, but everyone there is way ahead of schedule and way ahead of me in word count, and it's making me freak out even worse than I already am.

How do I un-stick myself from this horrible cycle of anxiety?

I love specific questions, so don't worry about that~ 😉

Now, let's begin by recapping your situation...

You have a tight deadline

You have a vague start & end point for your story

You feel like you're already lagging behind

Having done a lot of writing competitions and game jams, I'm super familiar with what you're going through. So, let me tell you what I have done in the past.

1) Work Backwards From the Target

Take the word-count target, whether it is 100 or 10,000 words, and break it up into smaller pieces. Stories are made of chapters and chapters are made of scenes. How many chapters do you think you can comfortably write with that word-count?

Congrats! Now you have your chapter target for this story.

PRO TIP: Give yourself some wiggle room by allocating LESS chapters/scenes. If your target is 5000 words, I recommend you only allocate maybe 4000 of those words. I always tend to go long. Some writers go short, so they may want to over-allocate. Find what works for you!

2) Allocate Story Events to Your Chapters

Now that you have a list of chapters, all you need to do is find what events go where. One easy way to visualize this is by getting some index cards. You're going to write 8 chapters? Okay, then you have 8 index cards. Lay the cards in front on you, like a timeline, and consider the events of your book.

How should the story begin?

How should it end?

What happens between these two?

You only have so much time and so many chapters, so this might be the point where you realize you have to change the scope of your story idea. And this is okay! Stories change. Everything is working as intended. 🤞

By the way, if you want more info on how to populate the events of your story, I recently talked about this on another ask.

3) Start Writing!

With your chapters allocated, and an idea of what should happen in each chapter, you literally have in front of you a checklist of tasks; write X chapters. Begin wherever you want (I like writing chronologically but don't let me spoil your fun), and start writing!

What began as a insurmountable mountain is now just a series of tasks. Some people look at this and think "oh now things are easier" but that's not the case. The mountain is just as hard to climb as it was before, the only difference is that now you know that you can do it. All you have to do is take it one task at a time.

[getosboobies]

reasons i think matchablossom is or has been canon!

once again, i have become overly obsessive and have throughly analysed each and every kaoru & kojiro scene that we currently have. i indulged and created my own list of “ are they besties or are they banging or both “ but i have decided to share it all with you :))

( keep in mind, i’m a reacher and these are just my interpretations. i will go to any extent to prove myself correct - no matter how unlikely )

so first of all, we have the fact cherry is the only one we have yet to see at joe’s restaurant after hours. this immediately shows that they are extremely comfortable with each other and spend a lot of time together even when they’re not skating. it also potentially suggests cherry is waiting for joe to go home, maybe a habit they’ve developed over time. before these scenes, the producers always show an image of the restaurants front door which states closed. by showing this frame, it obviously gives the impression it’s important for us to know that it is closed and therefore showings us that joe and cherry’s relationship is more than just some rivalry banta and that they have an established friendship built on trust and time. the creators could have just not shown that it was closed and had us assume that’s they were just good friends who spent time together but they went a whole step further and showed us these two men’s personal lives are somewhat intertwined with one another, showing us that they don’t have large boundaries for each other which would be considered strange in contrast to the “ arguing “ we had previously seen between them. if this isn’t enough for you, in these scenes we also see joes uniform unbuttoned so i take this as even more evidence of how comfortable they are around each other. also ! restaurants tend to close quite late ( avg. 8pm-12pm ) and on all the shots of the closed door, it has been dark outside. why wouldn’t cherry be home at this time settling down or something??? or maybe cherry has a lot of love for joe if he’s willing to wait that long for him to finish work... just sayin’. more on this, i analysed the restaurants design and noticed that the plug in the wall is really low down to the ground. maybe this is just one of joes odd design techniques or maybe it was specifically placed for cherry to charge carla, the concept of which, makes me very happy

keeping on the point of joe’s restaurant, whenever we have seen cherry inside he always sits right in front of the kitchen, this is pretty normal unless you think about 1) how much time he spends there 2) how busy restaurants get 3) he came there while he was with a colleague. we’ve already seen that cherry doesn’t mind coming after hours so why did he come during the day if he knew joe would be busy? this is similar to the fact he came in with his colleague in episode 2 - he obviously wasn’t expecting to be able to talk with joe while he was out for a work meal, so why on earth would he sit right in front of where joe would be, which is situated in a considerably inconvenient table for work meal? what i’ve interpreted from this is that cherry’s must enjoy being in joes presence. cherry canonically having anxiety would explain why he likes being close to someone who he knows well, and that cares for him. being able to see and hear joe so close is perhaps very relaxing for cherry.

now when i watched sk8 for the first time, i gather the impression that joe was a forgive and forget kinda guy when it came to someone who did him wrong. when we’re introduced to adam it’s evident there is some hostility within joe but this does not nearly compare to the anger cherry showed. when suggesting a beef their intentions seem to be completely different. cherry outrightly admitting to his grudge and anger for adam whereas joe seems to just want to prove a point to adam by winning against him ( i mean look at the image above, their facial expressions show it all ). but i noticed that as cherry would speak about adam, joe’s intentions slowly shifted and became far more serious and full of anger. “ there’s someone i’d like to punch “ is a sentence said by joe in episode 8. this is quite different to what we had seen in earlier episodes of him just wanting to make a point. i think this shift was predominantly when joe found cherry at the ocean view. joe knew how cherry was feeling towards adam BEFORE this scene because he knew where to find him, but the realisation that cherry was standing there, alone, and reliving some of his saddest memories probably hit joe that cherry couldn’t do this alone. therefore stepped up his game and met cherry’s loathing so they could do it together. as far as things go, this is one of the most important things they have done for each other because it shows clearly how devoted they are to each other.

this is one of the most confusing lines in this show thus far. i’m sure it’ll make sense in the oncoming episodes but i have come to two conclusions. so either adam has created this false reality of what happened and has told himself his evil ways stemmed from joe and cherry or, the more likely in my opinion, adam always felt like he was in need of a partner, a rival but also someone to love. this is displayed in the show in his predatory ways, aka, he wants his own ‘eve’. now there’s no ruling whatsoever that a skater needs any sort of dedicated rival, or skate partner, so i believe adam probably got this want from his peers, for example, joe and cherry. adam seems to believe you need to love your ‘eve’ and it gives me the idea that maybe he saw joe and cherry -in love- and decided that was what he wanted, but then as we know he went about it in an extremely toxic way. the “was it so“ was really hard to interpret, he’s clearly quite smug by the way he shrugs and smiles and shows that he’s very confident about what he’s saying but the question is short and leaves a lot unknown, which suggests why cherry and joe don’t respond. either they are as confused as i am, or they have a slight idea what adam could be suggesting and they feel guilty. we all know cherry and joe aren’t bad hearted people but as adam is insinuating ‘no, you guys parted ways from me first’ it could suggest that joe and cherry had perhaps become closer in high school and had developed a stronger bond than they had with adam and this left adam feeling lost and alone. this is more of a canon compliant headcanon that would make sense rather than a fact but it’s certainly something to think about.

one of the most obvious factors in their relationship is how they always know what the other is thinking or planning. we’ve seen in recent episodes that when cherry was racing, joe knew exactly what his motive was even without discussing it, thats enough information to show how well they truly know each other and how connected they really are. it’s also shown with cherry. when joe is racing, and is going extremely fast towards the corner, we see a frame of miya and shadow being worried for him, but then it shifts to cherry watching and there’s not a spec of worry on his face because he KNOWS what joe is planning and knows he will be fine. they know each other’s techniques better than anyone and it shows they don’t doubt each other’s choices one bit.

we learn right from the beginning that cherry and joe like to argue and fight, at first we think this is because they dislike each other but we learn that they are best friends. so when watching back you notice that none of the insults are ever actually insulting. let’s think about it, the most common insults they use are gorilla, dimwit and four-eyes. now to me, none of these actually seem insulting whatsoever and even if they do like to argue a lot it’s obvious they never ever mean any harm to one another.

from analysing the scenes one of the things i’ve noticed the most is how cherry and joe turn up and leave together. when the cops came during the langa x adam skate they both started to run off together leaving everyone else behind. as we know, they spend a lot of their personal lives together but leaving and turning up together every single time we’ve see them there seems like they’re a bit more attached than i originally thought. there’s a chance they meet before hand but why always that late at night? why aren’t they ever at home alone? unless...they live together. i mean it’s a perfectly valid suspicion right now as we’ve never seen either of their homes and we’ve never seen either of them turn up anywhere alone but either way it confirms they spend an awful lot of time together in general life. going back to my original point of them not only turning up and leaving together but they also never leave each other’s sides. there’s a heap of frames that you can see them standing together watching a beef or even just them talking. they’re literally attached at the hip and nothing makes me happier.

the creators of the show have made countless points to show that joe and cherry have a lot of history. from the school references to the fact they have TRAVELLED THE WORLD TOGETHER. they could have just shown one or two so we know that as a general fact they’ve known each other a long time but they bring it up an awful lot for it to be just a general fact. this being shown so much let’s us know that this is important information and that they’ve obviously wanting to lay down a foundation to bring something crucial up. so far they have mentioned their social studies trip, a school excursion, joes love for haunted houses, holiday to La and the Paris bar they went to. now you might be thinking, oh they were in the same school they probably just went on a trip together nothing confirms they were close, well i am here to prove that statement false. joe said he found cherry’s wallet, this not only shows that joe was close to cherry when he lost it but also that he knew where to find it, showing how well he knew cherry. another point is that legal age to drink in Paris is 18 so unless they had fake ID it’s safe to say this is a trip they’ve done since becoming adults and leaving school. it’s also canon that have gone together, so the fact they’ve been travelling as adults together is quite interesting. same with the restaurant in LA, sounds kinda like a date.

over the course of the episodes we’ve seen so far there has been a few comments they have made to each other that suggest a little bit of jealousy. for cherry, these comments are made in episode 6 in the hot spring. cherry brings up joes love for haunted houses and then joe agrees and says it’s because “chicks get scared and grab onto me” * with a smirk *. now what’s interesting about this is cherry’s response. “you really are a scumbag” this insult feels a lot more insulting than usual and the response itself surprised me. at this moment cherry looks away from joe which is an action people tend to do when they’re hurt or pissed off. either works in this scenario but neither make much sense as we know cherry’s already aware of joes status with girls. so why was he mad? well this was obviously a fond memory of cherry’s and joe replying with a statement about girls probably made him a bit angry because that was supposed to be their memory. but joes smirk with the comment makes me rethink, did he state that on purpose to make cherry jealous? obviously we can’t be sure but the entire encounter left me a bit confused. now onto joes jealousy, in episode 2 dub joe says “dude, you’re talking to a machine?” now in context this seems like joe is partially bewildered by the fact cherry is casually talking to his AI skateboard but he also seems slightly jealous that cherry is talking to carla instead of talking to him. this is one of the only scenes where joes facial expressions actually seem insulted rather than just having a bit of fun. he follows this up with “figured you’d give your board a girls name seeing as you can’t get a real one!” why can’t he get a real one? we hear tonnes of girls screaming compliments at cherry when he turns up so he definitely could get a girlfriend if he wanted, and joe no doubt knows this too, so why would he use it as an insult? i’m not sure what to make of this but it’s got to be a factor somewhere.

more on the haunted mansion chit chat, the line about chicks grabbing onto joe is quite funny when you look at the entire scene, because as soon as they get jumped they grabbed onto each other in fear. seems a little ironic if i do say so myself.

they both seem very secluded about their personal lives. cherry more specifically does not like the use of his skate name in his personal life or vice versa. joe is the only one we have seen to be aware or use cherry’s real name. the way joe slips up and calls cherry ‘kaoru’ at “S” shows how close they are and how much time they spend together to be able to accidentally mix up the two parts of their lives. this is just an extra point on how conjoined their lives must really be. in the photo above we see how cherry easily calms joe down when he starts to get annoyed. joe is the only one who knows fully about cherry’s life as emotions and cherry is the same for joe.

now one of the most heart wrenching matcha blossom scenes is when joe finds cherry at the ocean view. i have a lot to say about this so let’s start at the beginning. first of all, joe noticed cherry was missing. it’s not like cherry was there for a massive amount of time, so joe noticing that cherry was gone for even as much as an hour or two really says a lot about the placement they have in each other’s lives. there was really no reason for joe to worry about where cherry was considering they’re grown adults but he continued to go out and find him anyways. this is also set in the late afternoon judging by the sky, whereas the previous scene had been set at night at “s”, so this is suggesting the ocean view scene is on a completely different normal day for them (another factor showing how much time they spend together). next, the fact joe knew exactly where to find cherry. this truly shows how much they know and how connected they are to each other but also how well they understand the others coping mechanisms. cherry was dwelling on memories from 7 years ago and yet joe still knew exactly what he was doing and what he was thinking about. plus cherry didn’t even seem surprised when joe turns up. but one thing i noticed is that in this scene is the way they (in this case, didn’t) hold eye contact. while cherry is faced away, joe is staring at him but as soon as cherry meets joes eyes, joe turns away. either joe didn’t want to be caught staring or joe realised something crucial in that moment. i’ll let your mind decide what that is.

obviously, miyas comment about joe and cherry being his parents is a light hearted joke just to ruin joes chances of flirting with girls but it also implies that the group can tell that joe and cherry are respectively closer than anyone originally thought and they perhaps have caught on that the tension between them is a little bit too gay to be just a bit of banta. obviously in this scene we then see joe looking at cherry’s legs while a blush clearly intensifies on his face. yeah no, this is self explanatory.

one of the things i like about joe and cherry’s relationship is the fact that within that joe also has a somewhat dynamic with carla. although carla is non-living, there has been several interactions between them. for example the beginning of episode 6 on the boat joe recognises carlas voice immediately. i mean straight off i think it’s suspicious as hell that they all happened to be going there at the same time but the fact joe realised cherry must be there because of the sound of an AI skateboard? that’s impressive. also, at the beginning of the series carla is aware of who joe is when calling joe an imbecile, this shows that cherry has obviously had this modified to specifically refer to joe as joe rather than just refer to him as a general person.

there was a popular tiktok i saw the other day (if anyone has the username of the person please tell me so i can credit them!!) and it showed the two images above. in these photos it shows joes skateboard and his odd looking wheels. the creator of this video further analysed that these reflect the general outlook of a cherry blossom flower. though the actual wheels in real life don’t look as similar to a flower as they do in the show. but now if this is what they’re meant to look like, this is a really sentimental fact and shows how highly joe thinks of cherry in his skating career. but what about his personal life? well that’s where my analysing comes in. i noticed in the dessert joe makes in episode 5 he had a range of fruits displayed on the top as well as a single flower. this flower looks identical to a cherry blossom. once again the reflection of cherry within joes life makes an appearance. we’ve seen that flowers actually mean something in this show (toxic example but adam’s red roses for langa) so it would make sense for this to actually mean something about their relationship. i studied a range of Japanese desserts and, although every chef works differently, most of the dishes tend to only have a display of fruits and no flowers. so i have come to the conclusion that this dish certainly had some symbolism to cherry in joes life, some way or another.

so overall, their dynamic already shows that they have a very thin and mistakable line between very close best friends and potential lovers. although some of this was based off personal interpretation the majority is cinematic displays and general facts. so take this and use it however you like. let me know your opinions and other factors you have! for all i know i could be completely disproven with the next few episodes but surely if this many people see a bit more than just a friendship there’s got to be a reason for it.

if we can have one lgbt+ character... why not two more?

[thefanficmonster]

Take That!

Corpse Husband & Reader (Female) ft. Streamer Gang

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Suppressed Sadness, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: What is a friend? Your smile through the tears. The umbrella over your head when it starts raining. The ointment to your wound. But if you wanna put it in a more literal manner, a friend is something that doesn’t have a concrete definition. It can be the person you sit next to in class or the person who’s hundreds of miles away from you and you’re connected to through a Discord call.

Requested by Anon. Hello dear! Thank you so much for your request, sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post it but here it finally is and I hope you enjoy the read if you happen to come across the fic. Love, Vy ❤

There are those days when I wake up excited for a new day. There are also those days when the thought of playing Among Us with my friends is all that gets me out of bed. And then there are those days when not even that can get me to budge. Today is one of those days.

I’d still be in bed right now had I not needed to use the bathroom. On my way back to hide under my covers, I heard my cat’s meow from the kitchen, reminding me she needed to be fed. After tending to that task I just sort of lost will to return to bed either. Speaking truthfully, today is a will-less day. The type of day where I have no idea what to do with myself because I feel so odd and uncomfortable: heavy and bustling head, motivation below zero no matter whether I have zero tasks to tend to or a mountain high pile of work. It’s a laying on the floor and letting my mind eat away at me type of day and I can’t say I appreciate it.

The only thing I have to look forward to is the game of Among Us Corpse invited me to yesterday. Had I known I’d wake up feeling like absolute shit, I wouldn’t have accepted. I just know I’ll be a downer the whole time because I suck at covering up how I feel - my smiling masks and faux happiness don’t cut it but staying quiet is even worse because I’m typically and energetic and bubbly person, always having something to say or a comment to add to the conversation. Always looking to make people laugh.

Well, it’s hard to make people laugh when you feel like a deflated balloon.

I can’t describe the feeling any better than that - I feel empty, maybe a little sad somewhere in the mix, unmotivated. I keep these feelings to myself cause whenever I bring them up people just blow me off, saying I’m describing laziness but more dramatically. Either that or burnout which is sometimes the case, but I’m more than sure that it’s not the culprit for today. You can only blame burnout so many times.

Anyway, I make a mental note, promising myself I’m not gonna bail on my friends regardless of whether my mood gets better or worse. Who knows, maybe a gaming session with them is exactly what I need.

                                                              *  *  *

Not much has changed with my emotional state - I’ve spent a good chunk of the day surfing through TV channels and my socials with nothing else to occupy my mind but the overwhelming knowledge that I’m not feeling ok and that hyperawareness of a void that I feel but cannot describe. At one point, Corpse sent me a text to confirm I’d be participating in the gaming session and I was this close to saying no. This close to coming up with some bullshit excuse and bailing but I didn’t, thankfully. 

Here’s the thing about this drop in mood of mine - I know it’s gonna be gone by morning. It bullies me, beats and batters me for only twenty four hours - never more, never less. Like clockwork and as precise as a Swiss watch. And so fucking annoying. No matter what I do, I can’t end it prematurely and I can never wake up feeling down and unmotivated the next morning - there’s always a surge of motivation coursing through me and it drives me to be super productive as if making up for what I didn’t do the previous day when I was in the dumps.

It’s a twisted way of it showing me I’m powerless and at the mercy of a force that, despite being mine and existing within me, I’m completely unfamiliar with. It’s so fucking unfair, it’s disheartening.

“Hi everyone! Sorry I’m late.“ I greet the five people who have already gathered in the Discord call and the Among Us lobby.

Yeah, sorry I’m late, I was contemplating not showing up at all last minute

“Don’t worry about it, many people are running late as you can see.“ Rae replies reassuringly, “How’s your day? Anything spectacular happen?“

I can’t help but scoff, “Yeah sure, a TON of spectacularism in my life on the daily. From the large stack of papers I couldn’t bring myself to touch, to the dusty surfaces all over my apartment I didn’t convince myself to clean - it’s all fabulous over here.”

Fuck, that was too real

“Whoa, where’d all this sarcasm come from?“ Rae asks, sounding genuinely baffled rather than teasing, “It’s never been your strong suit.“

“Neither has unproductivity.“ Corpse, my best friend, chimes in, “Everything ok?“

Well, I admit, I should’ve known better than to have an outburst like that in front of people who have known me for a while now and can probably gauge my emotions even without me admitting to them. I truly don’t know where it came from. Hell, I didn’t even see it coming.

“Nah, it’s ok. I’m just being lazy, I guess.” I’m quick to withdraw and brush off any suspicion. The last thing I want is to worry my friends or, even worse, receive the same response from them: that I’m being dramatic, that I’m attention-seeking, that I’m just lazy and unmotivated as are most people of my generation.

“You know, what people often self-diagnose as ‘laziness’ often turns out to be something more serious. I don’t mean to scare you, but it could be depression.“ Corpse says after a brief moment of silence in the call, his voice soft and cautious as if explaining a complex problem to a kid who’s bound to be hurt by what it’s told.

I can’t help but chuckle. He has no idea how much he’s relieved me by saying that. I always ‘don’t want to talk about it’ and ‘want to change the subject’ while what I truly need happens to be the complete opposite. I need someone to hear me out, I need someone who will not brush me and my concerns off like we don’t matter. I need someone who’ll understand. And if these people who have openly struggled with anxiety or depression don’t get me, who will?

“Yeah, I genuinely thought I thought of myself as a lowlife while I was in college cause I started losing motivation for everything and started fearing what was to come. I began avoiding going out and talking to people cause I felt like I was the sore thumb in the friend group I had - the only one without any specific goal or a dream.“ Leslie says out of the blue, “Turns out I suffered through a burnout so bad it turned into an anxiety/depression combo that I just blamed on being a lazy college student.“

“Same here!“ Toast pipes in, “I was bedridden for a while during the first days of my streaming career, for a very ridiculous reason - I believed I didn’t deserve the attention I was getting and I wasn’t doing as well as people gave me credit for. So that had me crippled with self-doubt for a long while.“

“I still don’t believe I’m doing as well as I get credit for, but oh well.“ Leslie laughs, “I already told you all about my dumpster-fire of a brain, so I’m instead gonna say: what you need is an appointment with a therapist. Also - you need to stop underestimating your struggles. Invalidating yourself and what you’re going through is gonna make things only worse for you. You need to love yourself.“

“And you need us!“ Rae exclaims, “You need the best support you can get and, lucky for you, we’re the best in the business. Count on us always being there for you, Y/N. Cause we always will be.“

“You’re never alone. We’re all just a call or a text away. Especially me.“ Corpse adds, “I’m basically at your service 24/7, just like you’ve always been for me. What are best friends for if not sharing mental struggles and lifting each other up afterwards?“

I don’t know when this smile made its home on my face but it seems to be rather happy with where it is and wants to stay. Something tells me that thanks to these guys, it will indeed stay there for quite some time. And every time it tries to slip away, they’ll be there to bring it back.

“Then let’s lift each other up, shall we? I mean, what better way to do it other than killing each other and getting away with it?“ I attempt a giggle, hiding my emotions behind it like my life depends on it. Chances are they heard all I’m feeling in my voice, but I can only hope they’re not gonna mention it.

“Y/N, hun, I’m sorry to burst your bubble but....you never get away with it.“ Corpse wheezes, causing me to narrow my eyes and frown.

“Oh, you’re so gonna get it now!“ I exclaim, cracking my knuckles before getting my hands on my keyboard, “Start the game! I have a point to prove!“

And just like that, in what felt like the blink of an eye, the clouds have shuffled aside to make path for the sunshine to grace my brain with positivity I was not expecting to feel until tomorrow morning. I can’t give myself the credit for that though - it all goes to these amazing people I have the honor of calling friends.

I may have no power over it on my own, but with the gang’s help, I can take full control of it. And as a middle finger to the melancholy, I’ll do it all with a bright smile on my face.

Take that, brain!

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse

[its-nebula]

V3 Boys x Pregnant S/O in the Killing Game

Warning: DRV3 Spoilers

“S/O is what?!”

He panics and freaks out.

Calms down as soon as you tell him that you’ll get through it with him. It’s just all the more reason to survive.

“But Gonta… no can put child in this hell!”

He has a fire in his eyes that you honestly wouldn’t expect from him. You have to try your hardest to convince him not to fight Monokuma, out of fear of him being punished.

“Gonta will try to survive…for Gonta and S/O’s kid.”

He carries you everywhere from now on, not wanting you to strain yourself. If you ask, he puts you down, but will hold you and keep you close by.

During Class Trials, he immediately shuts any suspicion down.

“S/O can’t be culprit! Was with Gonta!”

You tell him to be wary of Kokichi, as you think Kokichi doesn’t have good intentions with your boyfriend. He just gives you a smile.

“Kokichi wants to end killing game just as much as Gonta!”

When all of you go in the simulation, Gonta makes sure you’re okay and that the baby’s okay. You don’t exactly look pregnant in the simulation, but he still makes sure. After that, he goes off to watch Kokichi, and you’re left to explore on your own.

To make a long story short, when Miu was killed, you noticed Kokichi giving you the side-eye, but didn’t say anything to him. You could tell he knew something that you didn’t.

During the Class Trial, the “Killing Game Busters” were revealed. You didn’t want to believe it was Gonta. You really didn’t. He would never hurt someone like that without a purpose…

“S/O, take care of Gonta’s baby. Gonta will be watching over you and baby!”

You sobbed as you watched his execution. The father of your child was burned alive, and he was never coming back.

Instantly, you unleashed all your rage onto Kokichi and his crocodile tears. Several people had to pull you off of him, claiming that the stress wouldn’t be good for the baby.

Besides, you could hit Kokichi with all the punches in the world, but nothing would bring him back…

 Laughs when you tell him about it.

Laughs the second time you tell him about it.

“It is even funnier the second time!”

Doesn’t laugh the third time.

“Wait a minute. You can’t be serious-?!”

Hope you valued your alone time while it lasted, because that is now a thing of the past!

MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!

Lets everyone know that they’re not even allowed near you. He keeps you in his room at all times, you barely even get to sleep in your own bed anymore.

He only really lets you out during Class Trials, and even then he convinces Monokuma to put his podium next to yours.

Constantly talks about how happy he is that he’s going to be a father, to the point everybody knows. Even the Monokubs are a little bit annoyed.  So much for keeping it a secret.

“Hmm, nope! It can’t be me, sorry! I was too busy spending time with my child and my girlfriend~”

His logic is that since you’re pregnant, maybe nobody would kill you because they would feel too bad, so he doesn’t really mind screaming it to the world.

The longer the game goes on, though, the more fucked up things he feels compelled to do, in his efforts to try and stop the killing game.

You practically scream at him when he pretends to be dead.

“Aw, don’t worry your pretty little head! I’m alright, aren’t I?”

Maki keeps sending her threats for him to you.

“If you want to raise the child with a stable 2-Parent family, I suggest you calm your boyfriend down.”

During the fifth trial, things are very tense. Either way, your boyfriend was either dead or going to die. You knew it was all a part of his scheme, but you still thought this was a step too far.

When Kaito was revealed in the Exisal, you bawled your eyes out.

Even as Shuichi explained Kokichi’s thought process, it made nothing better.

You didn’t even get to say goodbye…

And your child would never meet his father.

Wait, you’re what?

Oh no.

In a killing game?!

Oh no.

And he’s the father???

Oh NO.

You’re surprised that he doesn’t faint, by the way he’s acting.

“S/O, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, really!”

You tell him that it’s okay, because you know he’ll make a great parent. You’ve made him a little more confident, but not by a lot.

“We should probably keep this a secret for now. You can never really be too careful in these circumstances.”

Everyone can tell something’s off with him, because he gets really bad Couvade syndrome.

He still tries to help you as much as he can. If you’re craving something he brings you it almost immediately.

If your stomach moves even a tiny bit, he assumes the baby is coming even though he knows better. You have to tell him that it’s only a kick and he needs to take it down a couple of notches.

“Heh…sorry.”

His anxiety is through the ROOF.

Still tries to work on it. He’s got to be strong for you.

Trains with Kaito to help him become stronger, and brings you along with him.

“Hey Shuichi, don’t you think S/O might want to train with us?”

“It’s okay Kaito, S/O gets really sleepy during this time.”

Tries his hardest during class trials. He can’t afford to take shit from anybody and risk getting you killed. Hits the killers with the hard facts and evidence.

Investigates with you by his side.

“Now the baby can see his father in action!”

At the 6th Trial, he reveals your pregnancy, even though Tsumugi already knew.

Nobody else did. How? Guess they weren’t paying attention to your ever-increasing stomach.

When everyone ducks under rocks, Shuichi shields you with his body for extra protection. After the two of you make it out alive, along with Maki and Himiko, the 4 of you go off to start a new life together.

“WHAAAATTTT?!”

Thinks you cheated on him.

He’s very hurt.

You spend almost an hour convincing him that he’s the only one you’ve ever been with. He still doesn’t really believe it, but there’s only one thing to do.

The two of you consult Miu to figure out what in the hell is going on.

“Miu! I never wanted to actually have sperm and be able to create life! Now our child is going to be born in such horrible conditions!”

“Well, be more fuckin’ clear next time, and wrap it up when you get your dick wet, why don’t you?!”

Looks on the bright side.

He was able to get you pregnant, something no other robot was able to do before! That’s a complete win!

You’re still stuck in this school, though, and this was no place to raise a child.

“Robots aren’t allowed to hurt humans, and I can’t risk you killing someone and losing the trial…”

He helps you the best that he can. He gives you any medicine that he can find, and he lets you use him as a heating pad.

Scans daily to see your state of health. Sometimes more than necessary…

“I just did this scan 5 minutes ago? Oh, I hadn’t noticed…”

Takes pictures of your stomach every day to monitor your growth.

Kokichi always makes fun of the two of you.

“Well, I guess that answers my question! Robots do have dicks! Hey S/O, was it all cold and metallic?”

“…that’s not funny.”

When it was revealed during the 6th Trial about Danganronpa, he was conflicted.

The voices in his head– the audience– told him all different things. He was tired, he just wanted to be free. He didn’t want your child to grow up in a world like this.

“S/O, if this continues, and the kid we created joins a future season, I’d never forgive myself. It’s time to end this. Please, when you see them, let them know their father loves them so.”

He sacrificed himself by blowing up the school. As he saw his friends and his significant other huddled beneath a rock, he grinned, knowing they were going to be okay.

Scoffs.

“Well, that’s just my luck that I would cause you to have to bring a new life into this horrible world.”

He’s honestly pretty upset over the whole thing for at least a couple days.

But then he realizes it; he can raise them to be better than he ever was or had a chance at being. He can teach them to do better.

This makes him happy, and he apologizes for being so stand-offish.

“Looks like… we’ve still got a ways to go.”

When the two of you lay down together, he always lays down in a way that his ear is directly pressed against you stomach.

He talks to the child a lot.

“Don’t worry, little one. We’ll get you and everyone else out of here and to safety. I love you so much.”

Truth be told, he’s a little scared that he’s a  threat to the kid. After what happened in his past, what happened to his family, what happened to his lover…

You tell him to try to not think about it, and you know that he’s learned from the past.

The two of you only tell a couple people that you trust; namely, Shuichi and Kirumi. They’re both really happy for you!

Kirumi helps out a lot by getting you whatever you need for the day. She doesn’t get at all bothered by your morning sickness, and even offers to clean.

After the motive videos come out, Ryoma watches his and though he’s a little hurt, it doesn’t stop his determination to leave.

While she’s cleaning Ryoma’s room, Ryoma confides in her for advice.

“I feel like…I won’t be enough for our kid. Look at me now, I’m nothing more than an empty shell. I just… want to be enough for our family.”

SLAM!

Ryoma fell to the ground with a light thud, and that was the last anybody ever heard from him.

Crying out as you saw the piranhas tear away his flesh, you fainted on the spot.

You didn’t even have time to investigate, because the Class Trial had started.

You appreciated how seriously Kirumi was taking this trial. She kept making glances at you, but you assumed it was because she felt bad that your child would have to be without a father.

Until…

No, it couldn’t be. She’d gained your trust, only to betray you in the end? What kind of sick joke was this?!

As she was executed, you looked down at your stomach, rubbing it.

“Looks like we’ve still got a ways to go, kid…”

Wildly switching between happy, sad, and terrified.

On the one hand, he’s happy to be a father to your child. You were the love of his life, and he wanted to do his part and take care of the kid.

On the other hand, when you tell him the news, he paces back and forth, trying to find a way to get you to be as safe as possible. He already survived one killing game, how hard could it be to let the two of you be the last survivors again?

He asked Monokuma to see if you could have the easy way out.

“Monokuma, I know you probably want me to still participate, but my girlfriend, she’s pregnant now, so can you please just-”

“Puhuhuhu~! All applications made are final, buddy! It looks like we may just have another member in a short 9 months! Well, the more the merrier!”

Shit.

After that “lovely” conversation, Rantaro was more determined than ever to find a way out of the game.

He’d already lost his sisters, and he wouldn’t dream of losing you and the child too.

When the countdown motive for the first murder is introduced, he parts with you for just a few minutes, to record the videos that you and your other classmates would later find. He wanders in the library in order to do something, but he’s distracted when a shot put ball falls behind him. As he goes to pick it up, he’s struck in the back of the head.

Finding his body, you wanted to throw up, and not from morning sickness. 

Nobody knew of your pregnancy yet, so nobody really knew how deep into despair you’d fallen.

Though, they still felt sorry for you, because it was obvious the two of you were together.

You didn’t feel right being angry at Kaede when she was revealed as the culprit, especially as she showed deep remorse.

“I didn’t mean it, S/O. I’m so sorry…”

Tears pricked your eyes as she was snatched back by the chains.

You forgive her.

Over the moon at first.

Yes, that’s a pun. Shut up, I know it’s bad.

This man is DANCING while he’s celebrating.

“WOO! I”M GONNA BE A FATHER!”

He’s loud enough that everyone knows within 10 minutes of you telling him.

Well.

When he has some alone time, he frowns to himself. He’s sick, What if he doesn’t live long enough to see their smiling face for the first time? Hear their first laugh?

These invasive thoughts clouded his mind, as he started to cough up blood.

“D-Damn it…”

Kaito decided not to tell you, not just because he’s an idiot, but he doesn’t want you to stress and possibly cause damage to the child.

He talks to your stomach everyday.

“What’s up, my little star!”

He’s extremely proud and isn’t afraid to show you off.

The more ill he gets, the more hope he has that you’ll be just fine. You have to be!

After he’s locked in the bathroom, he tries to find a way out. Any way out, he needed to make sure you were safe. Kokichi couldn’t keep him locked up forever! 

When he and Kokichi make their deal, he does it in your interest.

“If Monokuma can’t solve the murder, I’ll finally get to walk out of here and start my family! Right?!”

But their plan failed. As you watched his execution, you screamed, pounding on the screen, begging Monokuma to let him go, please. You’d do anything! Soon, his coughing got worse, and he was soon on the ground, pink all around him. He’d died of his own accord.

You smiled happily at the bittersweet moment. He died of his own accord, no longer a part of Monokuma’s twisted game.

You knew he was above, watching you from the stars.

“Did you say you’re pregnant…? My, what an interesting turn of events!”

Did this man just say it was interesting?

You told him that this was serious, and that you needed to find a way out of here now.

“Keheehee... you don’t really think I’d let anything happen to you, do you? It’s clear Monokuma won’t let us go, even under these circumstances. Besides, I have my own kin developing inside your body, you need extra attention now!”

He will literally give you a tsunami of compliments everyday about how your body seems to be handling the pregnancy.

“S/O, your body is just so radiant today!”

Tells you stories about motherhood in other cultures.

Knows the best herbal remedies to calm symptoms such as headaches or nausea.

Nervous that you keep having to go to the bathroom, guides you there and back.

You really don’t know why he completely lost his shit by killing Angie and Tenko.

You convinced yourself that it was because of the oppressive student council, but why Tenko?

As he revealed his true self, you were horrified. He...was a serial killer?

The Korekiyo you came to love was a serial killer?

You were thrown into despair as you came to terms with his true colors. Nothing made sense anymore. Not only was your boyfriend and father of your first-born child dead, but he’d been batshit insane this entire time?

Maybe the next time you see red rope and hear a promise of “pleasure like you’ve never experienced”, you’ll politely decline.

[tomboyneedshercoffee]

Lovedust Pt.4 || Peter Parker x Stark Reader

Summary: As Josh and Y/N get closer, so does her relationship with Peter but when Peter’s health is on the line, it forces them to look at their relationship in a new light. 

Word Count: 2.3k

Author’s Note: It’s literally 5 in the morning wow my sleep schedule is fucked up! Thank you for being patient and thanks for the feedback on how you guys view the idea of Y/N in fanfiction in general! Also let me know if you guys like it, it really helps to know you guys actually like my stuff!

Warnings: mild language,  mentions of pain

part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six ||

part seven || part eight || epilogue

Once you were in Anatomy class, you dropped your head down onto the table and closed your eyes. You had spent all of last night studying for a math test and by the time you felt like you had everything down, it was already time to leave for school. 

You didn’t know how you were going to make it through the day, especially since you were the type of person to be grumpy without a full eight hours of sleep. 

“ Do my eyes deceive me or is Y/N sleeping in class?” Josh’s voice whispered from behind you as you straightened your back and turned around to face him,” I didn’t realize you were such a rebel.” 

“ Josh is actually on time for class? I didn’t realize you were such a goodie-two-shoes,” You teased back as Josh smirked. 

“ What can I say, I was extra motivated to show up to class today,” Josh said as he smiled wide at you. 

You turned back around to hide how flushed your face was and tried to think about anything else. You weren’t sure how you truly felt about Josh but there was a small part of you that wouldn’t mind if you did have a small crush on him. 

Everyone knew Josh to be a genuinely sweet guy and nobody ever had anything negative to say about him which only made you more attracted to him. Josh was the perfect student and the golden samaritan and it was about time you liked someone who wasn’t a complete asshole.   

Class went on and you were thankful that Josh remained silent as he sat behind you for your own sake.  It wasn’t until the end of class when your teacher introduced a new project that made Josh sit up a bit taller. 

Once your teacher announced that you were able to pick your own partners Josh tapped your shoulder with his pencil and greeted you with a warm smile. 

“ I think the universe is telling us that we should be partners,” Josh suggested as you tried to not act impressed,” would you want to work on this together? It’s cool if you don’t but I just thought since I already have your number, it would be easier.” 

“ You have my number? ” You asked as you tried to remember if you did give it to him but you knew you definitely would’ve. 

Josh pulled out his phone as he furrowed his eyebrows,” Huh, you’re right. Well in that case, gimme your number so I can call you sometime.” 

Damn, he really was smooth. 

You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh as you took his phone and started to enter your number,” Do you mean you’ll call me about the project?” 

Josh playfully shrugged as you handed back his phone,” Well sure, that too. I actually wanted to ask if you needed a ride to the party on Saturday. I was going to go with my band but there isn’t enough room for all the equipment so we’re taking two cars. It’ll just be me, you, and a few speakers in the car if that’s okay?” 

You didn’t think twice before accepting his offer,” Yeah that sounds great actually, thank you.” 

“ Of course, it’s my pleasure, I’ll pick you up at nine,” Josh smiled as the bell rung,” do you mind if I walk you to class? I don’t want you to sleepwalk on the way there or anything.” 

“ I wouldn’t mind at all,” You said sweetly as the two of you walked out of the classroom side by side. 

                                                           ---------

You took another look at your deck before placing one of your cards face down into the pile. You readjusted your body to lay stomach-down on your bed and eyed Peter suspiciously. 

For the last hour and a half, you and Peter had been playing various card games after he had claimed to be better than you and since you both had competitive spirits, you knew you couldn’t’ let him spew lies. 

Peter sat up on your bed with his legs crossed as his eyes darted from his cards to the movie playing in the background. 

You and Peter had been hanging out more and more lately and you never realized how much fun it was to spend time with him. You couldn’t believe you two had gone from yelling and screaming insults at each other to playfully bantering as you hung out in your room. 

“ What do I get if I win this round?” You ask as Peter let out a low chuckle. 

“ Darling, you’re never going to beat me, I promise you that,” Peter said as he put down another card,” but if you win, maybe I could give you a kiss-from the store! Like those chocolate kisses, the Hershey ones!”

You clicked your tongue against the roof of your mouth and shook your head,” Nice save Parker, you were so close! But lets just say when I win...you owe me a favor. Nothing bad but maybe one day you’ll have to do my laundry or make me breakfast.”

“ You know I could do those things for you without having it be a favor,” Peter said as you took another look at your deck,” if anything, now would be the best time to ask me to do favors for you.”

You looked up at Peter for a moment before turning back to your deck of cards. You weren’t sure why his answer had made you feel a certain type of way but you felt guilty nonetheless. 

The idea that because of Peter’s state, you could literally ask him to do anything for you and he would do it without a second guess made you feel gross. You never would want to take advantage of him when you knew he wasn’t in the right state of mind and you would hope that if it were the other way around, he would give you the same respect. 

“ We can wait until after you’re cured,” You assured him as you showed Peter your winning deck with a smirk,” what were you saying about how I would never beat you?” 

Before Peter could answer, the complex shook from underneath the foundation and the lights throughout the building shut off. 

You hardly paid any attention to it since things were always going on around the complex to mess with the power and after a few seconds of waiting, the power came back on and you moved your attention to the cards on the bed. 

“ What do you think it is this time?” Peter asked as you handed him the rest of the cards so he could reshuffle them. 

You shrugged as you sat up from the bed and looked out towards your window that looked out to the landing pad,” Well there’s not some spaceship outside so I’m guessing it came from the labs, speaking of which, my dad said they've been working extra hard and they think they found something.”

“ That’s good news,” Peter said as he felt a bit of relief,” I want everything to go back to normal...I won’t lie, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

As each day passed, Peter’s mental and physical health declined drastically.  From agonizing insomnia to tight chest pains, Peter felt like his body was turning on him and he had never felt this type of pain before. 

Peter knew that this lovedust wasn’t temporary and the only way his pain would stop would be when a cure was found. In the beginning, he found himself to mostly be embarrassed around you and what would accidentally spill out of his mouth but now, he found so much comfort in being near you because that was the only way his pain would stop. 

“ I’m sorry I can’t do anything to help. If there was a way to take all of your pain for myself, you know I would,” You said as Peter shook his head. 

“ No, absolutely not. The way this dust messes with my mind and my body… I would never want you to go through something like this. You know how I was with my spidey senes? This is a hundred times stronger than that and your whole existence is underneath a microscope that I physically can’t pry away from but at the same time, I don’t want to look away,” Peter said as you grabbed one of your pillows and hugged it against your chest,” When I think about you, -which is all the time- I can feel myself getting more anxious-but in a good way- and then when I finally see you, it literally takes my breath away.”

You couldn’t help but let out a burst of laughter as Peter awkwardly laughed with you,“ God Parker, you’re so cheesy. Are you saying the lovedust made me pretty?” 

Peter’s cheeks flushed as he sunk into his seat shyly,” You were always pretty. Even before the lovedust, I thought you were the most beautiful girl I ever saw.”

Now it was your turn to stop laughing as your smile dropped into a ‘seriously?’ look. The idea of Peter ever thinking you were pretty had never even crossed your mind but now that he was confessing that he did even before the lovedust made your heart skip a beat. 

You weren’t sure why you were nervous all of a sudden but you couldn’t even bring yourself to respond. 

Luckily, you didn’t have to because not even a moment later, a loud knock came from the other side of the door and you could hear your dad’s voice. 

“ Y/N, can I come in?” Tony asked as you and Peter’s eyes opened wide, silently panicking. 

Your dad had specifically told you almost every day that you were meant to stay away from Peter and you knew that if he found out, you would be grounded for the rest of your life. Your dad was a great parent but the reason that your relationship with him worked was because of trust and honesty. 

The rule was that he would always be honest with you if you were honest with him and you knew how much it would hurt him if he found out you were seeing Peter behind his back. 

You pushed Peter off the bed in a panic as he looked back at you confused. You pointed underneath your bed as Peter shimmied under it without a second thought. 

You quickly went to the door and opened it wide to see your dad standing there in his lab coat. 

“ Have you seen your boyfriend? He needs to do another round of tests before bed and I can’t find him anywhere,” Your dad said as he walked past you and sat right on the edge of your bed. 

“ Um, excuse me, don’t contaminate my bed with your lab coat! And nope, not since you explicitly told me not to,” You said as you sat across from him at your desk,” Also, wow boyfriend? I thought I wasn’t supposed to have one until I’m forty? ”

You purposely tried to keep your eyes away from the bottom of the bed but you knew how easy it would be to lock eyes with Peter who was looking up at you. 

“ And I still stand by that. All boys are dumb and immature with the exception of any who live in this complex,” Tony looked over at the neatly stacked cards and started to shuffle them. 

“ Uncle Scott doesn’t live here,” you pointed out as your dad nodded,” and Uncle Steve just visits.”

“ Did I stutter?” He said as you let out a small laugh,” But now that I’m here, I wanted to talk to you about Peter and what we discovered so far. I don’t want to scare you but his condition is getting severe and I feel like you should know what’s going on.” 

You darted your eyes towards the bottom of your bed but quickly looked back at your dad. 

“ Um, does Peter know what’s going on?” You asked as your dad shook his head. 

If there was any chance that whatever your dad was about to say could mentally or physically break down Peter, you didn’t want it to be from Peter listening in underneath your bed.  

“ No and he can’t know,” your dad sighed as you shifted in your seat,” I think it would mess with his head and we need his morale to be high.  You cannot tell him but we discovered-”

“Dad um, I’m really tired and I have school in the morning. Can we talk about this another time?” You interrupted as your throat suddenly felt dry,” school has me drained and I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for any other curveballs.”

Your dad only nodded as he got up from the bed and pressed a kiss onto your forehead,“ Alright kiddo, don’t stay up too late. After school, I want you up in the lab with Banner and I, we could use your help,” Tony said casually as you gave him a small smile. 

“ Okay, no problem, goodnight,” You said as your dad closed your bedroom door behind him. 

You waited a second and thought things over as Peter scooted out from underneath your bed. 

You turned your head to look at Peter and as you two locked eyes for a moment, it was as if you two were both apologizing by just one glance. You wanted to tell him that everything would be okay and that no matter what, Peter would be able to be back to normal yet you knew you shouldn’t promise things you couldn’t keep. 

Peter knew that you wanted to spare his feelings but he would’ve given anything to find out what his mentor was keeping from him. For the first time since he made contact with the lovedust, he felt defeated and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. 

You didn’t want to lie to him but it was hard to do that when you knew you should comfort and console him. 

The idea that something was really wrong with Peter besides a few embarrassing word vomits terrified you and you never thought that it would ever get so serious. 

“ Peter, I will always be here if you need anything...No matter what, you’ll always have me,” You said as Peter’s jaw clenched. 

You knew those weren’t the best things to hear at a time like this but you couldn’t bring yourself to lie and tell him that everything will work out when you didn’t have all of the information. 

Peter got up from the ground and stood over you, his dull eyes felt like they were looking through you instead of at you,” Just...don’t give up on me, okay?”

You bit the inside of your cheek and nodded as Peter gave you one final look before exiting your room. 

As soon as the door closed behind Peter, he felt his knees buckle in as he slid down on the other side of the door and did his best not to cry. 

Every time Peter exhaled, he felt like his throat was on fire and the only way he could describe the feeling in his chest was imagining loose telegraph wires electrocuting a swimming pool. As his breathing became more rapid and shallow, all he could think about was how to stop the pain. 

He didn’t know that being in love could ever feel this painful but Peter hated it. He hated the feeling of being so helpless and he hated himself for always thinking of you. 

Every thought of him holding you close to his chest, him pressing his lips against yours, and him telling you over and over again how much he loved you felt corrupted and only brought more pain. 

But if Peter really thought about it, he would never take any of it back. If being in love with you meant that there was a chance he could literally die, then that was a risk he was willing to take. 

@eridanuswave​ @juliet-winterson​ @akacalumtrash​ @ilovepeterparker13​

@parkerboop​ @juliebean247​ @multi-fan-lover​ @ffffan-----girlll @lukesbabylon​

@danicarosaline​ @parkeret​ @marvel4geeks​ @hollander69​ @spideyyeet​ @spn-assemble-seven​ @vibraniumdaisies​ @spaghetittiesbcimgay​ @vi-bi-bye

@lemonsnips​ @aduky​ @faithfullcompanion​ @stopthemotherfuckingmusic

@satellitespidey @foreverpark​ @marvelobsessedteenager​ @deadpoetsbackup

@zalladane​ @starcourt-s​ @parkersinfinitywar​ @stargazingcarol​ @littlesugarb​

@itsteph13​ @jennasmmith​ @liljennyx3​ @harryspet​  @todaynotseen @oh-whatabeautiful-parker​  @tiny-friggin-human @popluckbih    niiight-dreamerrrr     sovereignparker  marie-is-in-the-dark  buckyboy-soldier   maia030   parkershoco wolverinesbeer   cherrysruin  sunkissdes  kiainspace  songofcosplay spideylovin  write-from-the-heart  thatcrazywhovian09  eternallyvenus  thollandx msrawog  idiosadeoro  imawkwardandhereweare  foundwolves thequeen-oni silverwolf-sama  inspiring-bea  multiversegalaxygirl  lastupidebitchette idekwho1am

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[fatiguing-thoughts]

“Natural” - Chapter 6 - Embry Call x Reader

New Introductions

 I woke to the sun shining through my windows. I look at my phone to check the time. 

9:00. I rub the sleepiness out of my eyes. I sit up in bed and recall the memories from last night. I look to my left, noticing the absence of Embry’s body from where it once was. My stomach sank a bit looking at the empty pillow. 

I get up and walk over to my desk, hoping there would be another note from Embry. Looking down, I see that there is.

Good morning bean,

I had to go on patrol but by the time you wake up I should be off. Call me when you wake up. I love you. I’d like for you to come over today. 

Love, 

Em

I smile down at the note, placing it with the previous one, hoping to keep a collection of them all. 

I walk down the stairs, grabbing some breakfast as I send Embry a text asking when to come over. 

I go upstairs to get dressed and ready for the day when Embry texted me back.

“Come at 11, my mom can’t wait to see you :)” 

I smile, send a quick response before tidying up the living room from last night’s game fiasco.  

I figure it was best to bring something to Embry’s house, but it was too late to really make anything. Something from the grocery store would have to do, I guess. 

I hop in my car and drive over to the store. I look around and decide to grab a fruit salad and a small cake. I check out at the register and head over to Embry’s. 

I pull up in front of his house, texting him to let him know I was here. 

As I unbuckle my seatbelt, I see his front door open and an excited Embry jogging over to my car. 

I smile at his goofy grin as he opens my door so I can get out of my car. 

“Hey there, bean.” He presses a kiss to my forehead, pulling me into his arms. 

“Hey, Em. You’re in a good mood.” I look up at his beaming face. 

“My mom is just really happy to see you, like super excited about it. This is the least amount of tension between us in a while.” He shrugs his shoulders. 

“I’m excited to see her, too. I’m glad things are calm with you guys right now.” I lean up and kiss his cheek. 

He gently grabs my hand, grabbing the stuff I brought with me in his other hand, and leads me into his house where I am welcomed by a warm Tiffany Call. 

“(Y/N)! I missed you so much.” She cooed, pulling me into a heartwarming hug. 

“Hi Mrs. Call, I missed you, too.” I smile into the hug. 

“(Y/N), please call me Tiffany. You know that.” She laughs. 

Embry and I sit down with her at the kitchen table. 

“So are you happy to be back in Forks?” Tiffany smiles at me.

“I’m so happy.” I grin back. 

“I’m so happy you’re back, Embry’s been so much happier since you’ve been back… Almost back to the old Embry.” She gives me a smile, this one hinting at some deeper sadness. 

I gave her an understanding smile, glancing over at Embry’s awkward face. 

“Yeah, I think all the guys are pretty thrilled to hang out again.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure.” She says meekly.

“So, (Y/N) brought fruit salad. Maybe we should eat some?” Embry offers. 

“Yeah.” Her spirits lift up.

“So, how have things been with you? How’s the souvenir shop?” I smile at her. 

“It’s good, it’s quiet. It’s just crazy how many bear attacks there have been lately, so a lot of people have been coming out less. Overall, I still enjoy the peace and quiet, I love First Beach.” Her warm eyes looking into mine. 

“It’s beautiful there, I can see why you love it.” 

I ignore the mention of bear attacks, unsure of how much I had to avoid for Embry’s sake. 

“Yeah, (Y/N) was pretty bummed to hear about the bear attacks, she loves hiking.” Embry remarks. 

“I know, I remember. You guys used to do it all the time.” She smiles, thinking about our younger years. 

“I wish I could still do it, maybe more in the winter.” I shrug with a soft smile. 

“That would work. I can’t believe how old you guys are now.” 

“It is nuts, huh?” Embry’s voice trails off. 

“So, I hear you guys are finally together?” She smiles, reaching out to grab my hand across the table. 

“Yeah.” I blush, smiling like an absolute dork.

I glance over at Embry’s blushing face, watching the corners of his soft lips curling into a beautiful smile.

“I’m so glad, I always knew you guys would be together.” She smiles, taking a piece of pineapple. 

I eat a piece of honeydew, trying to contain my giggle from escaping my lips. 

“Me too.” Embry smiled, causing my blush to only deepen. 

We sat around, chatting for another hour or so before she had to go to her shift at the store. 

“It was great to see you.” I smile, hugging her goodbye. 

“Of course, you’re always welcome, honey.” She pulls me in tighter, before giving Embry a kiss on his head as a goodbye. 

I smile and wave as she gets into her car and leaves, feeling Embry’s arm snake around my waist. 

“It was so nice to see her again.” I look up at him smiling. 

“It was, it was nice to see her happy instead of upset. She really loves you.” 

“I love her, too. I do. I’m happy you guys had a calm moment between you two.” I kiss his cheek. 

Embry pulls me back into his house, pulling me into yet another tight hug.

“Bean?” 

“Yeah?”

“Can we maybe, cuddle in my bed?” He looks down at me with those big, brown eyes. 

My heart fluttered in my chest every time his eyes melted into mine. 

“Of course, Em. Lead the way.” His hand held mine, walking us into his room. 

I look around, admiring how neat it was and how I imagined that it would be a bit more cluttered, especially since he was almost never home to clean it. 

“Did you clean your room because I was coming over today?” I smirk at him. 

“What?” A blush appears on his cheeks, causing me to giggle.

“That’s cute.” I walk over and sit on his bed. 

“I think you’re pretty cute, actually.” He plops down next to me, pulling me into his lap. 

“Oh, that so?” I raise an eyebrow at him. 

“Very much so.” He presses a kiss to my nose. 

It quickly became very apparent to the both of us that the way we were sitting was a bit more suggestive than we originally intended. I had my arms around his neck, straddling his lap. His arms holding my ribs. 

After a moment of silence, a deep blush appeared upon his cheeks, mine mirroring his. 

I leaned in, pressing a kiss to his soft lips. Surprisingly, he deepened it, allowing me to make out with him. His hands traveled a bit lower, holding my waist, and then eventually my hips. 

I moved into him, bringing myself closer. I began to feel his… “excitement” growing. 

After about a minute, Embry brought his hands back up to my waist, pulling away from the kiss. 

“Sorry.” He chuckled. 

“It’s okay. I understand.” I blush, laughing softly. 

“I just, I’m trying really hard to take it slow. You just make it very difficult.” He licks his lips.

“I think it’s you who makes it difficult for me.” I tease, smiling at his sweet eyes. 

He picks me up by my waist and places me next to him once more. He lays down on the bed, patting the spot next to him. 

I lay down next to him, bringing myself closer to his chest, inhaling his scent. 

“It’s nice to have you here, in my arms. I like feeling you so close to me.” He kisses the top of my head. 

“It feels like home.” I smile into his chest. 

He grabs his phone out of his pocket and begins to shuffle our shared playlist, causing me to smile further like an idiot. 

All of a sudden, my thoughts circled back to last night. 

“How was patrol? Did you get it?” I ask, looking up into his eyes. 

He let out a frustrated sigh as he looked down at my face. 

“No, she got away. Then Paul and Emmett got into it.” He pursed his lips together. 

“Emmett?” I ask.

“Emmett Cullen. He came onto our land trying to catch the leech.” 

“Was everyone okay?” I ask, a bit worried. 

“Yeah, of course. Nothing bad. But we missed the redhead.” 

“I’m sorry.” I give him a sad smile. 

“We just don’t get why she keeps coming around, we have Bella protected at all times between the Cullens and us.” 

“She’s after Bella?” I ask, more worried. 

“Yeah. The shit that Edward gets her thrown into. Then Jake gets involved, which involves us.” He rolls his eyes. 

“Damn. I’m sorry, Embry.” I look into those deep brown eyes again. 

“It’s alright. We’ll be okay. I have another thing to fight for now. Just some more motivation to get rid of her quicker.” He kisses my forehead. 

I blush at his words, realizing how real they truly are. 

“What time is her graduation party tomorrow?” I ask, trying to lighten the subject. 

“We should get there at like 7:30.” He smiles, appreciating the lighter mood. 

“Do you have patrol tonight?” I ask.

“Yeah, I do. I’m gonna hang out with you the rest of the day, first of course.” He kisses my forehead, making me smile.

“Em?” 

“Yeah?” He pulls back to look me in the eyes once again. 

“Could you maybe, show me more like Paul said? You guys say you’re really strong and fast. I just… I wanna see. I need to know you’ll be okay.” I blush. 

“Oh bean. I can show you. Maybe you can meet everyone in that form, just to get acquainted with it. We can start with Jake and Quil today if you’d like? And whoever else is hanging around at Sam’s.” 

“Yeah, I’d like that. I wanna know that you guys are safe.” 

“I understand. We can head over there. Just after I get to hold my girl a little bit longer.” He smirks, pulling me close again. 

I couldn’t stop the heat from rushing to my cheeks when Embry called me his girl. I couldn’t stop the butterflies from fluttering throughout my stomach. I couldn’t stop the chills from running up my spine. 

I felt his hands stroking through my hair for a few minutes, causing me to fall asleep. 

I woke up not long after, looking around the room to remember where I was. I looked up at Embry’s sleeping face, and it brought a smile upon my own. 

Damn, how could I get so lucky? 

I took my phone out, snapping a picture of Embry, as he looked just so sweet. 

“Whatcha doing there, babe?” He chuckles, waking up. 

I guess my movement woke him up. 

“You just look so cute.” 

“Thank you, I still think you’re cuter. What time is it?” He asks, rubbing his eyes.

“A little after five.” I put my phone back in my pocket after checking the time. 

“We should go to Sam’s. We’ll see who’s there to show you some stuff, then I’ll patrol from there.” He smiles, kissing my forehead before beginning to sit up. 

“Okay.” I follow suit, grabbing my keys off his dresser. 

We head over to my car, getting in and going on our merry way. 

Upon our arrival to Sam’s house, Embry lets out a “whoop” to announce his arrival. 

We walk in, only to be greeted with an excited Emily and some of the guys sitting at her kitchen table. I look around to see Paul, Quil, and Jared. 

“Hey, (Y/N). Finally, another girl.” She smiles, letting out an exhale of relief. 

“Hi Emily, it’s great to see you.” I smile back at her, returning the hug she approached me for. 

“So boys, (Y/N) wants to see a little bit of us doing our thing, thanks to Paul.” He directs his gaze at Paul. 

“Well, I think it’d be fun.” Paul grins. 

“I guess so. You don’t believe we’re as cool as we say or something?” Quil teases. 

“You caught me.” I smirk in his direction. 

“Maybe Quil and Paul could wrestle for you. If it won’t scare you.” Jared teases. 

“I imagine that might be a bit frightening. But I wanna know how it works, all of it. I wanna see what I’ve been hearing about.” I look down at my feet. 

“Good idea, Jared. Instead, you and Paul can wrestle. Embry and I will stand there looking pretty, that way (Y/N) doesn’t piss her pants. She’s a scaredy-cat, you know.” He laughs.

“Oh I am so not.” I retaliate. 

“Can you walk around your house in the dark yet?” Quil raises his eyebrows at me. “Shut up.” I hiss, laughing. 

The boys all smile before heading outside, Emily following us. 

“Don’t be scared, nobody is gonna hurt you. Okay?” Embry looks me in the eyes. 

I nod and he presses a kiss to my cheek before he and the rest of the guys go behind the brush to strip down. 

“I assume you’re used to all this?” I ask, turning to Emily. 

“Oh yeah. It was nuts at first, but you get used to it. When they get into scuffles I used to get so scared. Now, I just wait for them to come ask me for food after.” She giggles. 

I then heard shuffling in the bushes, and some snarls coming from behind them. They made their way out to the clearing. 

I look around, trying to figure out who is who. I notice Embry immediately. 

He walks over and nuzzles his head into my shoulder, causing me to smile. 

“The dark silver one is Paul, Jared is the light brown and grey one with some grey on his face, and Quil is the one who looks like chocolate.” She smiles. 

Just then, they ran past me. I felt the air whoosh around me, almost knocking me over. 

I smiled, amazed at how fast they were. 

“Paul and Jared might play around, wrestle a bit to show you.” She warns. 

I nod, looking them in the eye, and then back at Embry and Quil as they walk over to Emily and I’s side. Quil standing to the left of Emily and Embry almost shielding me from any potential damage. 

And that’s when Jared and Paul look at me and nod, before returning the same gesture to each other. 

I heard a puff before seeing Paul fly at Jared. I heard the growls and snarls, felt the ground move from their enormous bodies. 

I have to admit, my heart raced hearing it, let alone watching it. Embry must’ve noticed as he moved his head closer to my body, trying to comfort me. 

I look at him, feeling safety wash over me. I nod my head at him and suddenly Paul and Jared stopped. He must’ve told them in their mental link to stop. 

All four boys went back behind the trees again to shift back. 

I look at Emily with wide eyes. 

“Wow.” I say, in disbelief at just how huge they were. How fast, how strong.

“I know.” She smiles. 

They all run back, Embry’s hands finding my waist faster than I could blink.

“So, you impressed yet?” Paul laughs. 

“Yeah, I’ll say so.” I look at him, smirking. 

“Bet it was more than you thought.” Quil nudges my shoulder.

“Yeah, I don’t know what I thought. Embry only showed me his wolf form, didn’t show me any of the extra stuff.” I chuckle. 

“Well, I didn’t wanna overwhelm you.” He kisses the top of my head.

“You look like you handled it well.” Jared claps me on the back.

“Yeah, it was pretty cool.” I smile. 

“Jesus, you’re so good with weird.” Embry shakes his head in disbelief. 

“Well in my defense, you, Jake, and Quil have been my best friends since childhood. I had to be good with weird from the start.” I poke his side. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Embry laughs into my ear. 

“Okay, let’s get you boys something to eat before you go on patrol.” Emily ushers us inside. 

“Can’t argue with that.” Quil laughs, running past me into the house. 

Embry and I follow them all inside, his arm never leaving my waist. 

“(Y/N) would you like anything to eat before they inhale it all?” Emily offers me, stirring the pot of pasta. 

“Sure, just a little bit. Thank you.” I smile at her. 

We all ate, hanging out and talking before Sam came through the door. 

“Hello there, babe.” He says as he walks into Emily’s arms, leaving kisses all over her face.

Following Sam was a tired looking Jacob, Seth, and Leah. They all came in and began eating. 

“Okay guys, get on out there it’s your turn.” Sam directs. 

Almost immediately Embry, Quil, Jared, and Paul get up from the table. “I’ll see you tonight or tomorrow, okay? Leave your window open.” Embry says to me, kissing me on the forehead goodbye. 

“Okay.” I smile at him. 

They all rushed out of the house and disappeared into the treeline. 

“Hey, Leah.” I smile.

“Hey. How’s it going?” She asks, taking a break from eating. 

“Pretty good. What’re you up to tonight?” I ask. 

“Not much. Got something in mind?” She turns to look at me. 

“I just wanted to see if you’d wanna watch movies at my house.” I smile. 

“Sure. Sounds good.” 

I turn to Emily and offer to help her clean up dinner.

“You don’t have to.” She smiles, trying to make me sit down. 

“No, I want to. You do this all the time, I should help you.” I get up anyway and walk over to the sink. 

About an hour later, Leah comes back to my house with me. 

We talk about the Sam and Emily thing a bit more, I try to comfort her as best as possible.

“It’s nothing that can be fixed, unless I imprint. God I would even take that just to make myself happy.” She sighs.

“Your person will come, and they’ll blow Sam out of the water.” I give her a soft smile. 

“Thank you. It feels nice to talk to a girl for once.” She chuckles. 

And that was it. Leah wasn’t one for too much talking, so we turned to the movies after that. 

After two movies, she decides to head out and I go into my room, bidding my father a goodnight on the way. 

I walk over to my window and leave it open as Embry requested before walking to my bed and laying down. 

I send Jacob a meme I found on twitter about cars before dropping my phone on the nightstand next to my bed. 

Before I knew it, I was passed out. 

In the middle of my deep slumber, I heard someone outside my window. I initially panicked, only to realize that it was probably Embry. The fear of someone being outside my window at three in the morning subsided at the thought of him. 

I walk over to the window, seeing his beautiful face looking back up at me. I smile down at him. 

He quickly jumps into the tree by my window, and then into my window. 

“Jeez Em, I didn’t realize you mastered parkour.” I laugh.

“Just for you, bean.” He laughs, hugging me hello. 

I yawn, almost limp in Embry’s warm embrace. 

“Let’s get you into bed.” He kisses the top of my head before picking me up and walking us back to my bed. 

I nuzzle myself further into his warm chest. 

“How was patrol?” I ask. 

“Uneventful. That’s a good thing, though.” He chuckles, his voice raspy and riddled with sleepiness. 

“That is a good thing.” I yawn again. 

“I love you, bean.” 

“I love you too, Em.” 

I press a light kiss to his chest, to only be pulled closer. I smile before I once again enter a peaceful slumber. 

______________________ Word Count: 3427

 I  II  III  IV  V  VI  VII  VIII  VIIII  X  XIR XIE  XII  XIII  XIV  XV XVI  XVII  XVIII  XIIII

[emletish-fish]

Worst Prisoner: Painted lady - Jee deleted scene.

Zuko had issues.

 Jee had always known this, but now everyone seemed to think it was part of his job to solve those issues.  There was the walking issue, the dressing himself issue, the randomly disappearing and giving his guards a merry game of hide and seek issue, the breaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night to make himself a snack issue, the brazenly making himself a snack in the middle of the morning issue, the being completely incapable of putting the spices back in the right spot issue.

Jee was already trying to think of bastard reasons for all the problems in the Fire Nation, he didn’t want to be responsible for solving all of Zuko’s issues too. He was paid well, but nowhere near enough to take on that mountain of dysfunction. 

“He listens to you!” The head bearer had insisted when Jee asked why everyone kept coming to him. 

“He really doesn’t,” Jee replied. 

Yet despite this, the servants kept coming to him anyway. One of these servants was a smiling chef named Misao. She was close to his age, with a soft voice and a sweet laugh. She also made the best dumplings Jee had ever had. She lamented that the fact that the spices were always put back wrong after Zuko nightly snack escapades and it was taking her so much longer to produce her delicious treats. She had provided Jee with some, to ‘taste test’. 

 Jee was aware that this was a shameless food bribe. 

He smelled the delicious bribery and considered his options. 

 It turned out Jee went cheap. A basket of dumplings and a smile were enough to motivate him. 

“Why won’t you let the servants help you?” He asked Zuko later that day.

“It feels weird getting people to do things for me that I can do myself,” (where was this attitude on the ship?) “I can dress myself just fine, I don’t need four guys looming over me.”

“It would be faster if you let them help you.” Jee tried. The head wardrobe assistant had given Jee a lovely new dress shirt, ostensibly for all the bullshit functions that he may have to attend.

“No it’s not!” Zuko argued. “Once, I asked if they could help me with the cuffs and there was this huge scuffle over who got to do it, and two of them fell over each other. One of them twisted his ankle, and then they got so weird when I tried to apply a compression bandage and I ended up being three candle lengths late.”

Jee had heard about that. The servants seemed very perplexed that Prince Zuko was good to them for doing the least amount of work on offer in the palace. Ozai and the Princess tended to at least lightly toast people for the slightest error. Zuko never came close to even threatening them, and this made working for him the most popular position at the Palace.  More than the wardrobe department were falling over themselves to do things for him, only to be thwarted by Zuko’s attitude.

 “You need to let them do their jobs, or...” Jee began, but he wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence. He wasn’t  sure what happened in Ozai’s Palace to servants who didn’t do their jobs, but he was going to assume it was something bad.

Zuko was instantly concerned. He’d obviously come to the same conclusion. 

“Fine,” he gave a resigned sigh. “I’ll let them do the ceremonial outfits, and collars and sashes and stuff. Happy?” he said, backing down instantly the moment he thought someone was getting hurt over his behaviour. Interesting. 

“Well, I was thinking the palaquin...”  

“No, I’m not budging on the walking issue.” 

“I’m not asking you to... but could I take it...with my leg and all?”  Jee suggested, testing his theory. 

“Oh, Jee. You should have said something earlier! I’d never have made you walk if I’d known!” Zuko snapped sounding cross, but looking like he felt guilty. “Of course you can.” 

“I can't take it on my own. You’d have to sit with me.” (Firelord Ozai may have only listened  to bastard reasons, but it turns out Prince Zuko responded best to the nicest reasons.)

“Fine!”  (But he wasn’t happy about it)

“About the snack making, you know they are all highly trained chefs...”

“I like to make my own snacks. Why is it such a big deal?”

“I’m just saying, they can make it expertly and it hurts their feelings when you keep rejecting their food and making your own. (Inexpertly, according to Misao. She was horrified at the amount of sevenspice the prince used. Jee had told her it was hard to get outside the Caldera. It probably tasted like home to the prince. Misao made a soppy face, like Jee had just handed her an adorable, wounded turtle-duck. She  promptly adjusted the amount of sevenspice she used when she cooked for Zuko.)  

 "When you cook for yourself it shames them most deeply. It is considered a grave insult and heaps dishonour upon them -"

Zuko shot him a look. Jee had been laying it on a little thick.

"Look, just taste this. You might like it. The dumpling chef made this for me - and they're pretty good” Jee offered out one of Misao’s treats.

“No, thank you.”

“Ah well, more for me.”  Jee shrugged and took a bite out of one, moaning like it was the most orgasmic thing he had ever eaten.

“Stop that!” Zuko said and snatched the box away. He glanced down at it disdainfully, before smirking widely. “Wait, the dumpling chef made this especially for you?"

Jee nodded.

"Did you notice she’s arranged these into a heart for you?"  he sounded very amused. 

Jee felt extremely embarrassed. He was far too old to be teased about having a crush by some snot-nosed teenager. He snatched his box back. “If you don’t want any, I’ll take this back.”

“No, I want to try one now.” Zuko wouldn’t let it go. He tried one and his eyes widened. “This is really good. It tastes like it was made with love...”

Sweet hell, this was Prince Zuko trying to be subtle. Jee smoothed his shirt in a dignified manner and chose to ignore that last comment.

“She must really like you,” Zuko continued. “Sok - my friend said that girls put extra effort into their food when they like a guy. You should ask her out.”

"I'm not taking dating advice from you, your highness."

"Well, I'm just saying that she even cut the carrot garnishes into heart shapes and…"

-0-0-0-

So there was this whole side bit where Jee got a lady friend, but I cut it for length. However, here is a snippet of it. It’s an unbeta -ed mess, but I still kinda like this scene.