#majority of these sorts of things I can do are related to chronic illness but who cares I was the cousin with all the tricks!!

[arcadiafiesart]

I didn’t realize it wasn’t normal to whistle in??? have I been whistling wrong my whole life???

Feel free to share any other quirks you're capable of, that I didn't list, in the tags! (Like if you have any double joints, or extra teeth, or whatever)

Don't forget to reblog so more people can vote! :]

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing a suicidal protagonist, but not depressed.

I'm going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment so I'm trying to put it into my writing. Do you have any advice for writing this? I mean, I suppose I already have the experience, but writing tips are always welcomed.

(I really hope this doe)sn't come across as trauma dumpy, I'm not seeking any irl advice. I suppose I just see it as an objective reality of many that doesn't necessarily need to invoke things such as comfort or anything, y'know?)

I'm glad you're trying to put such personal experiences into your writing.

Since I don't know much about your specific protagonist, in addition to incorporating your own experiences, I'll provide you with some writing notes on suicidal behaviour that you can refer to in order to make your writing more realistic or true to life (and you're right, literature on such real and sensitive topics doesn't always need to invoke comfort, or provide a lesson of sorts to the reader. Because simply depicting the realities of many people is enough - or more than enough - and is very important, even if it makes people uncomfortable... because it IS not a comfortable topic). Needless to say, each person has varying experiences.

Attitudes toward suicide have varied throughout history and vary considerably among different cultures.

The ancient Greeks considered suicide an offense against the state, whereas the Romans believed that suicide could be a noble way to die.

The view of suicide as a sin prevailed in Western societies for hundreds of years.

Only since the later decades of the 20th century did suicide cease to be considered a criminal act.

Suicidal Behavior - term used for individuals who have engaged in potentially self-injurious behavior with at least some intent to die as a result of the act. Evidence of intent to end one’s life can be explicit or inferred from the behavior or circumstances. A suicide attempt may or may not result in actual self-injury.

Levels of Suicidal Behavior

completed suicide

suicide attempts that are potentially fatal

suicide gestures—behaviors that are not necessarily lethal but are a cry for help or attention, such as superficially cutting one’s wrists

suicide gambles—attempts in which people gamble that their lives will be saved through intervention, such as a fatal but slow-acting drug overdose

suicide equivalents—behaviors that invoke responses similar to those seen with suicide, such as a teenager running away from home as an indirect call for help

suicidal ideation or thinking about suicide, which can range from nonspecific thoughts that life is not worth living to specific suicide planning

Mental illness is a major risk factor for suicide.

More than 90% of Americans who commit suicide have been diagnosed with a psychiatric illness and/or have problems with substance abuse, especially alcohol, opiates, and cocaine.

Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and borderline and certain other personality disorders are risk factors.

People are at particularly high risk for suicide during the first week following discharge from a psychiatric facility.

Other suicide risk factors include individuals who:

are victimized by bullying

are isolated from other people and community

have a family history of suicide

have a history of attempted suicide

have a history of childhood abuse or family violence

have had traumatic experiences

have experienced stressful events, such as separation or divorce, job loss, or death of a spouse

have a chronic or progressively debilitating disease or condition; chronic, severe, or intractable pain; or loss of mobility or independence

have access to a firearm

are victims of alcohol or substance abuse, which weakens impulse control

have low total serum cholesterol

reside at a higher altitude, possibly due to altitude-related metabolic stress in individuals with mood disorders

are involved with the criminal justice system, or are incarcerated (especially during the first hours or week of imprisonment)

have sleep problems and disorders

are impulsive

have been exposed to suicidal behavior in others, including family members, peers, or friends (especially among adolescents) or celebrities, which is referred to as contagion

take certain medications

live in low-income households or in poverty

are unmarried

are lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender (LGBT)

CAUSES. Suicide results from combinations of factors specific to each individual.

Studies have found a connection between genetic factors and suicide.

Some suicides appear to be impulsive acts, whereas others follow a major life event or crisis. However, the most common trigger is the pain and desperation of a mental illness, often unrecognized and untreated depression or bipolar disorder.

A complex of illnesses involving changes in the brain, depression is very common in the general population. People in recovery programs are often at particular risk.

Many people with depression develop anxiety disorders, which can further contribute to suicidal thoughts or behaviors.

Depression is particularly dangerous when the individual is emerging from the darkest depths of the disease and has the energy to act upon suicidal impulses.

Suicidal depression is not always obvious. For example, some depressed men appear irritable or angry rather than depressed. ‘‘IS PATH WARM?’’ is a mnemonic for signs of suicidal behavior:

I—ideation

S—substance abuse

P—purposelessness

A—anxiety

T—trapped

H—hopelessness

W—withdrawal

A—anger

R—restlessness

M—mood changes

Other signs of suicidal intentions are:

isolation or withdrawal

emotional distancing

lack of family or friends

distraction, seeming to be in one’s own world

lacking any sense of humor

dwelling on the past, especially losses and failures

feelings of hopelessness and helplessness

preoccupation with death

You can refer to a mental status review used by clinicians to guide you in describing your character. This includes:

appearance—the patient’s clothing, personal hygiene, and any physical evidence of self-harm

affect—expression, emotion, and intonation when describing plans for self-destructive behavior

thoughts—suicide command hallucinations (usually auditory); delusions about the benefits of suicide, such as thoughts that relatives will be better off after the person dies; and obsession with suicide

homicidal potential

judgment, insight, and intellect

orientation and memory, including signs of delirium or dementia

The need for suicide intervention is assessed by the following:

ideation—whether the patient has thoughts of self-harm

plans—the more specific the suicide plan, the greater the risk

purpose—what the patient believes will be achieved by suicide

potential for homicide

NOTE: The clinician will also evaluate risk factors as described above.

Most people give clear warnings of their suicidal thoughts; however, those around them may not recognize the significance or may not know how to respond. People who are concerned that a family member or friend is at risk for suicide should do the following:

educate themselves about warning signs and risk factors

identify healthcare professionals who know the person and can help

call 911 or the local emergency number if the person seems to be at immediate risk

Factors that lower the risk of adult suicide include:

 a significant friendship network outside of the workplace

a stable marriage

a close-knit extended family

religious faith and practice, especially religions that value life and discourage suicide

a strong interest in or commitment to a project or cause that encourages social interaction and cohesion

One of the "Conditions for Further Study" in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is Suicidal Behavior Disorder (SBD). This is NOT an official diagnosis yet, but research is ongoing. I'll include here a few proposed criteria and potential diagnostic features, just for reference purposes:

A suicide attempt is a self-initiated sequence of behaviors by an individual who, at the time of initiation, expected that the set of actions would lead to his or her own death. (The “time of initiation” is the time when a behavior took place that involved applying the method.)

Determining the degree of intent can be challenging. Individuals might not acknowledge intent, especially in situations where doing so could result in hospitalization or cause distress to loved ones.

Markers of risk include:

degree of planning, including selection of a time and place to minimize rescue or interruption;

the individual’s mental state at the time of the behavior, with acute agitation being especially concerning;

recent discharge from inpatient care; or

recent discontinuation of a mood stabilizer such as lithium or an antipsychotic such as clozapine in the case of schizophrenia.

Examples of environmental “triggers” include:

recently learning of a potentially fatal medical diagnosis such as cancer,

experiencing the sudden and unexpected loss of a close relative or partner,

loss of employment, or

displacement from housing.

Conversely, features such as talking to others about future events or preparedness to sign a contract for safety are less reliable indicators.

Again, the above excerpt is for a proposed criteria and potential diagnostic features for SBD (not yet an official diagnosis).

I'll include here a few interesting studies on SBD. Some researchers aren't for it. Most are discussing the current lack of data and research on it. 1 2 3 4

Also I think I misunderstood your request when I first read your message. I thought you wanted to write a suicidal protagonist but they're not depressed. But just in case, here are a couple of articles exploring suicidal ideation in non-depressed individuals. I would recommend looking into the qualitative findings as this could help writers if this is the topic you want to write about. 1 2

Lastly, since this is quite a sensitive topic, it is advisable for you to keep in mind conscious language, particularly when you're planning to share your writing with a wider audience and when publishing. Editors and publishers also frequently advise to get a sensitivity reader. Because while you might have the best of intentions, if you’re dealing with serious issues that real people deal with, it would be a good idea to do some research or get a sensitivity reader. Or both. Here's an excerpt from that previous post:

Words have power. Where and to what degree that power has an impact will inevitably depend on who the reader is. Words can drive a story forward and compel the reader to turn the page. Or they can disengage readers, even hurt them, and compel them to, at best, reject the novel; and at worst, review it negatively. Doing the awareness work prior to publication can help to prevent this while at the same time improving knowledge and craft.

Sources: 1 2

Hope this helps. And thank you for writing about such an important topic.

[not-poignant]

Hello! I read some of your reposts about importance of comments and that any can be usefull to self evaluation as author. My question - is it weird and uncomfortable if people bring too many personal problems commenting your fics? Like, do you distant yourself out from comments that bring a lot of person's drama, does it feel uplifting in the end, if comment is a lot about reader's not so happy history? Can you still feel joy from that kind of comment?Thanks for unswer if you do.Have a nice day!

Hi anon,

So, this is kind of complex. I would say the vast majority of people don't overshare at all, and when they are sharing from their lives, it's in a way that makes complete sense and is very 'contained.' I can tell they're not expecting emotional labour from me, and that they're sharing because they found a point of resonance between themselves, the story, the situation, or the character/s, or a combination of all of the above.

And like, that's a part of why I write, y'know? I want to strike up that sense of resonance in folks who relate to these characters, so when people share that it has resonated, that's like... purposeful and meaningful to me. I feel like I've made a connection. I also sometimes feel sorrowful - like when someone explains they relate to Efnisien because of abuse they've also experienced, or when someone explains that they relate to a character's chronic illness because of their own.

But I can also generally tell through tone and language that the commenter doesn't expect labour from me, they're speaking their pain into the world in a way that's like 'this is me, and here's this character, and we both share this thing in common.' In a perfect world, none of us would know what this kind of pain is like. In this world, a lot of us do, and we get to feel less alone when we read stories where we feel seen.

And that is, by and large, the general experience when readers share something personal that they resonated with in a comment.

That being said, I do also maintain very strong boundaries with people's personal matters, because I'm not someone who's 'healed and above all my own issues who is sharing what I've learned to people still going through it' I am someone who is still going through it. And often folks have no idea what kind of day I'm having or how I'm feeling when they comment, and so... on the very very rare occasion I do get a comment that feels like it's pushing for some kind of emotional labour that's beyond what I can give... I will not give that labour. I will acknowledge their comment, thank them for reading, and not...give energy I don't have to spare.

And like, honestly, 99 times out of 100, everyone is very respectful of that and even caring towards it.

I can probably count on like two hands, in ten years, the commenters who I felt had become very self-focused or what I felt was over-sharing in comments in a way that sort of...was no longer about me or the story, where they just treated the comment section as a diary instead. In those cases I tend to leave very brief acknowledgements, as a kind of 'I see this, I know this is painful, but this is not my lane, and I don't want this to be my lane.' But a more compassionate version of that.

If anything, the most personal stories, anon, come to me in Asks that are sent via Tumblr, off anonymous, so I can reply privately. These folks are usually very...aware that I might not be in the space to hear them, and are frankly the most 'if you don't have time or energy to reply please don't pressure yourself', so I feel no burden or obligation and that usually makes it easier to reply in my own time.

The ones that come to me via anon, I only reply to selectively, and that depends on a few factors. Some things are extremely personal and frankly I'm not comfortable replying because even if I did it would be to say 'I think a professional needs to handle this.' I've also - very rarely - had a few people do things that were not cool, to manipulate me into caretaking them, usually because they want the comfort feeling that one of my characters creates, and then from there thinks 'Pia made that character so they can give that to me instead.' This doesn't happen often, but it's very distinct when it does.

But that's rare! Super rare!

It might be that others read the comments of folks in fics and think 'I would never share those kinds of details about my life like that' and that's fine for them - but some folks do need to share, and want to feel seen because they felt seen during the fic, and I have no problems with that in general.

I have learned so so much about the human condition, about the fact that things that I thought literally no one would relate to are things that actually a lot of people relate to, etc. through the grace and vulnerability of the folks who comment on my fics with personal anecdotes or even just 'I've been through something like this, and I thought you showed it well / it's a painful thing to go through.'

I know a lot of authors wouldn't have much patience with that maybe? I don't know. I'm literally writing trauma recovery, mental illness and chronic illness, queerness and neurodivergence, and people going through tough times. I don't think an author ends up writing that stuff if they're generally not looking to make a connection with fellow folks who have also gone through some tough times! And even if I can't be those people's support systems, I think all of us having these ephemeral moments of effectively saying: 'Same bro' through the comments, is pretty powerful, and magical, actually.

Caveat: If a person brings personal problems into my fics with the expectation that I will then fix them, that's something I don't really do and don't enter into. That's where my boundaries are firm. Sometimes I won't even acknowledge those kinds of situations at all. If a person reads something for free and then seeks to obligate a complete stranger into being their support or therapist, there's a much bigger issue going on there that isn't my business, and I generally will maintain significant distance in those situations.

TL;DR - I don't think I'd write these stories if I didn't want to make connections with folks who have also gone through some hard times. The vast majority of people who bring up personal stuff aren't necessarily bringing me 'joy' - but I don't just look for joy in the comments, anon, I also look for connection, resonance, moments of feeling less alone, and sometimes that's not easy, but it's still very special. As for the very rare occasions where someone wants me to personally hold their hand, I step back, because a) that's not my job, and b) I don't think folks realise sometimes just how much proverbial hand-holding I need as well lol - I might sound like I have my shit together, but I do not.

[gougarfem]

I want to transition so bad

I agree with radical feminism and all but theory cant relieve the sex dysmorphia. I wish you the best of luck!

Question tho: the health related risks are a large part of whats kept me from transitioning. Are you planning to start taking testosterone? If you are how do you plan on doing it in a way that poses the least risks to your health? If you’re not then in what ways can a woman transition to a trans man without hormone therapy?

Thanks!

Signed, lookupmedicalmisogyny

(Which is not my main, hence the anon)

i would naturally urge you not to transition, as i believe the vast majority of dysphoria is treatable. if you can be happy without transition, it is a much better life. better for your health, better to know you always have the support of other women, better to find comfort in the same body you've spent your whole life with. some feel the need to have some sort of medical alteration without transitioning fully or adopting the male gender role - again i advise against this, but if you really have no other option and it helps you to find comfort in your sex it is a route some go down. anything is better than spending a lifetime fighting your biological reality and adapting to living as a member of a different sex category.

i am on testosterone, and have been for several weeks - i was on it for nearly a year in the past. health for me is very much different to most people, so i don't feel qualified to give advice there. i have a chronic illness which nearly killed me multiple times and took years of my life away, so risking my health is a huge huge concern of mine and absolutely terrifying. i am under medical supervision, taking the dose i took in the past which did not seem to have immediate adverse effects (although in the future i will likely need a hysterectomy, but have wanted one for years anyway due to a very severe menstrual disorder), having regular blood tests and on constant guard for any signs of changes to my health. personally, i have found the increase in muscle mass reduces my chronic pain and leaves me more energised, but this is achievable by other means such as bodybuilding.

the reality is that testosterone is never truly safe. the effects on females have not been studied properly, and there are many anecdotal reports of the damage it can do by detrans women. i will most likely need a hysterectomy - this is not a concern for me personally, but nobody should unnecessarily remove a vital organ. vaginal atrophy, hair loss, and blood disorders are risks i have had to come to terms with. there are worse risks, and there are unknown risks. i am willing to go through this only because i am certain i can't keep living with dysphoria this severe, and have experienced it since early childhood. nobody should go through this if they have another option.

i would suggest lifting weights to build a more muscular and potentially masculine physique. feeling stronger in general can reduce dysphoria, and exercise is brilliant for your mental health, especially weightlifting as it's an instant rush rather than a more drawn-out activity where you can get lost in your thoughts. cut your hair, dress however you want, break the barriers your female socialisation imposed on you. be loud, angry, confident and outspoken. take up space. all of these things are possible as a woman, even though society says otherwise.

i would urge you to also consider the following: - when did your dysphoria start? was it impacted by factors like puberty, trauma, the realisation of gender roles?

- are you uncomfortable with the idea of being a masculine woman? how does your current expression impact your dysphoria? what about sexuality?

- can you see yourself growing old as an old man? can you see yourself growing old as an old woman? in 60 years, how do you think you'll consider gender? can you picture the future at all?

- do you experience 'gender envy'? is your identity tied to appearance, or the people you're around? is the idea of being a masculine twink with female friends more appealing than being a fully biological male? do you value your femaleness in any way, such as a sense of community, familiarity, connections with female relatives?

- if you woke up on a desert island, would you still want to transition? do you want a male body, or do you crave the male social role?

- what do you associate with womanhood? what does being a woman mean to you?

these are questions you can't answer in a day. it may take months, years, or a lifetime. but please consider them before trying to transition. if nothing else, you'll have a deeper understanding of yourself and the feelings that led you to this point.

i hope this wasn't too rambly and made some sense. i'm always open to dm if you want to discuss things further or just chat to someone who gets it.

take care <3

@lookupmedicalmisogyny

[artemisbarnowl]

So just wondering basically whatever you can think would be good advice or insight or tips for someone wanting to move to Melbourne from the UK

Doesn't have to be limited to the likes below;

healthcare, prescriptions (I have a few chronic illnesses; nothing too serious, but I do need different medications etc), Visas, nominations, what sort of yearly wage/income would I need to be comfortable, taxes/insurance, bills, education (I don't have a family; but say I wanted to do a uni course, could ?); rent or buy, is a car needed, should I look into city living or suburb living, is it safe for a single female to move there & live on her own... and yeah just anything else you or anyone else can think of, l've never moved abroad before

Oh sis I'm sorry but as a native a lot of stuff like visas or healthcare for an expat I won't know about. I feel like the procedure is fairly similar to the UK in that you go to a gp first for scripts or any tests and referrals. We've got Medicare which is similar to NHS but I don't know when or how you can get a medicare card once you move here.

It depends where you are but I reckon you'd be fine to move and live alone (like misogyny is everywhere but it's not like women don't go anywhere alone), however living alone is EXPENSIVE, almost prohibitively so. The minimum wage for full time work is around 50k a year, or 900 a week before tax, rent for an apartment is at least 350 but that's for a studio that's small and likely old, or in the middle of nowhere where you need a car. The average "entry level" apartment in a major city is going to be around 600k and generally requires a 20% deposit. Repayments will vary with interest rates and size of mortgage. It's very common for people to live in share houses and it's not difficult to find women only ones but I haven't lived in a share house in over a decade so wont know much about good platforms or how the search goes.

Taxes are mostly automatic, your pay is taxes before you get it, sales tax is included in all prices where it's applicable, it's unlikely you'll have to pay additional at eofy unless you're earning a lot more (over 90k) and don't have private health insurance. You can study, but courses will be expensive as you likely won't be eligible for a commonwealth supported place which has reduced fees.

If you need a car depends on where you live. I recommend looking at job listings for things you'd likely be doing to get an idea of wages, and looking for housing/rent prices in different areas. Once you've picked a city, you've still gotta get a feel for where things are in relation to each other, what part of the city etc etc real estate dot com, seek, and the public transport website for each state can help with figuring distances and if you want a car. I don't THINK it's difficult for poms to move here as there are plenty and they do it all the time, there might be websites or forums to discuss common hurdles that can help.

Other important info: footy means one of 3 games (rugby league, rugby union, or AFL), the big beer is nearly always called a pint but the small ones change by state, it's a parma, "how are you?" is a hello type greeting that should be answered with a basic 'good thanks' and not the truth unless the asker is quite a good friend.

[insurance-professionals-arizona]

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[scripttorture]

What would you expect from the public, including minors, when torturing someone in public is done, especially when it's a public spectacle and people actually come to watch. Is liking to watch torture a thing in this case? My story is a medieval/steampunk fantasy by the way.

Well Anon, this does still happen today. It happens in the country I grew up in and consider my home. So… my first suggestion is to throw out the implication that this is a weird historical thing the world doesn’t have to deal with any more. Because it is still very real. And if you get any kind of success with your story there’s a good chance some of your readers will have experience with this.

 It’s also significantly more complicated then ‘liking’ or ‘disliking’ so let’s unpack this a bit.

 I’ve never actually seen anyone maimed or executed. But as a kid of around 9-10 I knew kids my age who had. We used it as a sort of… pissing contest basically. Kids would brag about it to show how hard they were, in the same way we’d stuff chilis into our mouths and see who could last longest.

 It’s one of those bizarre kinds of ritualised self-harm that you end up performing in order to cope with awful things.

 Because witnessing this kind of stuff is harmful, to adults and children. It can leave people traumatised and displaying some of the symptoms I write about here.

 But, however old the characters, if they grew up somewhere where this is the norm then I absolutely guarantee they understand showing opposition is dangerous. They know their responses to these displays of brutality and power are used as a proxy for their loyalty and worthiness by the state.

 And boy if you are in any way outside the norm, if you are queer or the ‘wrong’ ethnic group or faith, then the pressure to conform here is so much more intense.

 I lived in Saudi, my home town is Dhahran. My parents are from opposite ends of Europe and they tried to raise me Christian. I still spent a lot of my teenage years unpacking stuff I’d absorbed about public executions, amputations, whippings etc.

 From the kids I knew growing up (anecdotal evidence no matter how empassioned) I’d say the ‘normal’ responses to witnessing this kind of state violence are varied. Kids would get nightmares, start showing signs of mild anxiety disorders or depression. They’d become moody, angry and generally unhappy. Which they’d sometimes take out on other people.

 But I can’t remember anyone ever explicitly linking it to what they witnessed. They’d try to hide this stuff. Some of them would double down on justifications for state violence (seemed pretty common.) They would, above all, deny there was a problem.

 Because admitting to mental illness made you ‘weak’ and admitting to doubts about state violence made you a ‘traitor’. Which is a pretty risky thing to label yourself (even by implication) when you live in a state that publicly mutilates and murders people. (Note the author’s bias as a committed pacifist may be showing.)

 As you may have noticed Anon, I still carry a significant amount of anger on this particular subject. This bottled vitriole is not directed at you or your story idea but at the states and politicians who make sure this brutality continues. It’s about the fact that I can remember a nine year old girl matter of factly talking about beheading at a birthday party.

 Stepping back from the personal side of things for a moment we know from studies of PTSD and trauma survivors generally that witnessing violence can lead to lasting psychological symptoms. Including PTSD.

 PTSD specifically is more likely when an individual is directly effected (ie physically hurt). But repeated exposure to traumatic events, including witnessing violence, makes the manifestation of long term symptoms more likely.

 So a character that has seen dozens of these attacks is more likely to develop a long term mental health problem then a character who has seen only one. Regardless of age.

 We can’t predict which individual symptoms an individual witness will develop or indeed when a witness might develop them. We just don’t know enough about how these things happen yet.

 Having said that, the possible symptoms for witnesses are pretty much identical to the possible symptoms for torture survivors (link above.) I’d advise against using chronic pain for witnesses unless you have a clear idea of an underlying cause; it seems (anecdotally) to be more common in people who directly experienced violence.

 If you decide to use insomnia there’s a masterpost on sleep deprivation here.

 For mental health problems like depression, anxiety etc remember there are physical symptoms as well as symptoms related to mood. Characters who are trying to deny they have a mental health problem might focus overly on physical symptoms. Depression can cause nausea, vomiting and tiredness/lack of energy which might be mistaken for disease. Anxiety can cause chest pain and shakes.

 Circling back let’s talk about some of the phrasing in this question for a moment. Because ‘choose to watch’ misunderstands the way states use these public displays of violence.

 Attendance and witnessing of public executions and torture is often enforced. Sometimes overtly and sometimes more tacitly. Because the point of these displays is to hammer home the power of the state. That doesn’t work if people can easily choose not to go.

 Here’s an example of what that overt and tacit enforcement looked like back home.

 Tacit enforcement came from the timing and placement of executions and amputations. They took place on weekends, when almost everyone was off work. They were carried out in major towns and cities, where the population density was higher. The venue was typically on a main thoroughfare close to important sites. Which ensured a high volume of people would be in the area when the execution took place, whether there was due to be an execution or not.

 So picture the town or city this is taking place in, in your story. When are the public holidays? Where are the markets? Where are the most popular religious venues? At what time will the most people be in these areas?

 All of that will tell you where an execution or public torture is likely to take place. Because if you set this shit up in eye sight of the place most people buy food, at the time when the most people are out, you get witnesses.

 Whether they want to be witnesses or not.

 Overt enforcement, on the low end of the scale, means having officials among the crowd pushing people towards the scaffold. At home this seemed to be targetted towards children and people who were judged as ‘other’. Different races to the majority, people who might have been read as a different religion, people who might have been read as queer etc.

 This is because the message is ‘This could be you.’

 I know practices in other countries have sometimes gone beyond this. Police or armed officials will sometimes go out and gather a crowd of witnesses by just… approaching people on the street and demanding they attend.

 This approach requires quite a bit of man power and is not practical or necessary in every setting. In most cases setting things up in the right place and time is enough to ensure a large number of witnesses.

 What I’m trying to illustrate here is that a lot of people will see this stuff without having made a conscious choice to do so.

 And making a conscious choice to see it… well it does say something about the character but not in the way you’re thinking.

 Because these displays are all about the power of the state. Witnessing them, responding to them is performance and it’s a performance of state loyalty. You can’t expect someone to give their true opinion on public displays of violence when criticism or voicing ‘dislike’ could lead to them being targets of violence.

 Basically if you’ve got characters going to see this stuff regularly then it’s worth asking why they feel the need to display their loyalty in this way. Sometimes it’s because they really really believe in the state. But often… they’re compensating for something.

 Wrapping up I think it’s important to note there’s often a difference between what people say about this stuff versus what they actually feel. And that’s because these things are explicitly political and explicitly about the power a state has over it’s subjects.

 The way individuals respond to these things in public and what they say about them in public effects how they are treated. Sometimes it comes with obvious legal sanctions. Even if it doesn’t… these displays are entirely about reminding people the state can kill them.

 And it doesn’t actually discourage crime or civil disobedience but it does create a climate of fear and hostility which permeates daily life.

 Think about why the state is insecure about their power. Think about how your characters live with that background radiation and whether it feeds into cultural ideas around things like martyrdom or nobility of suffering.

 Remember that there is a difference between public and private life. Existing in these kinds of brutal states often means having quite a sharp distinction between them. This can create very strong bonds to those the characters trust. It can also create a big difference between private and public personas.

 If you’re writing a world where public torture and executions are happening there’s more going on then just individual character’s reactions. You are saying something about the world, the ruling class and the politics of the area.

 Take the time make sure you know what you want to say.

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

[authoralexharvey]

WIP Changes Tag

I was tagged by @andromedatalksaboutstuff —thank you!

Rules: share 5-10 things that have changed from the initial concept of your WIP till now.

I’m gonna try to do ASMLP for this so. Let’s go.

This project was originally supposed to be in alternating first-person POV, but I couldn’t quite get the hang of it for these characters—aside from Chloe Duval.

Related, but Etienne getting the pov for the epilogue was a very recent decision tbh. I tried with Simone’s first and it just wasn’t working.

The still-unnamed disease wracking Nadia originally was a little different. It still turned people into monsters, but the symptoms varied and it wasn’t until rather recently I pinned down what people who have this illness go through. I also drew a lot of inspo from the chronic/mystery illnesses I and people I know go through.

Chantal and Luc are recent additions to the story, all things considered. I originally wanted Nadia and Etienne to be a pair of lone wolves—and they still kinda are, tbh—but I ended up deciding they needed a friend group around them.

the original idea I had for this story was supposed to be about monster hunters (and yes, also magic). Didn’t have much of a plot, however, until I really started diving into the magic system and figuring out how it all works.

related to 5, however, there is an idea for a “sequel” of sorts. Not focused on any of this cast (though who knows, Etienne might show up) but still in this same setup and kind of following the aftermath of this book.

It took me… forever to pin down Nadia’s and Etienne’s Majors, as well as what all three of them specialize in. I liveblogged my agonizing here, but even before then I was struggling. Simone has always been an Abjuration major, though. And deciding majors forced me to think about what these people wanted to do with their schooling, since they think they have a future for most of the book lol

that’s all I can think of rn tbh, and most of these were a natural consequence of thinking through the project more. If you REALLY want to talk changes, you should see the shaping TWEfA got lmao

tagging: @cwritesfiction @bookish-galaxy @ashen-crest @asablehart and @flowerprose . Tell me how your projects have changed!

[senadimell]

On “Writing it anyways”

There’s definitely something to be said for “no matter your skill level, if you’ve got a dream, do it anyways,” because that’s how I managed to write a 70k fix-it fic after not writing fiction on my own since literal 6th grade (that’s 11-12 years of age).

But there’s also something to be said for “help, I’ve got so many ideas and they’re literally beyond my capacity to create because I know from experience the toll required to make them reality—and I cannot afford to pay that toll.”

I’m thinking here about Susanna Clarke after Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell here. I haven’t yet read Piranesi, though I’ve heard it’s brilliant, but I do know it’s not a book of the same scale and scope of Norrell. That’s not an indication of quality, by the way—just saying that it may not ever be possible for Clarke to create another monstrously intricate, brilliant, massively long book like Norrell again due to health limitations. I hope she can, and I’m sure she also hopes she can, but there’s no guarantee. Writing something requires a toll.

On a slightly different but still related note, we joke about how fanfic writers are able to churn out stories through the wildest of circumstances, and that’s certainly true, but for every one of those “sorry for the late update, I just gave birth!” people, I’m willing to bet there are many who produced one or two things and then didn’t keep going. Or, think of the thousands of unfinished stories out there. The thousands of unpublished drafts. The one-hit wonders and the cryptids, the people who publish once every seven years. That 125k unfinished monster story that hasn’t been updated since 2007. I’d argue that the vast majority of fic writers are stopped by car accidents and health crises and family challenges and jobs. Turning to writing to cope is one response, but leaving writing by the wayside is another common response.

I dunno, I keep seeing posts that are about “write it anyways,” and I keep refraining from reblogging them with snarky commentary because I realize I’m not the target audience here. Those are primarily aimed at people intimidated by the incredible amount of skill they see and are afraid to be novices. Or people who think that beginning at something means only doing incredibly tedious beginner projects like what dick-and-jane readers are for kids. You know, not learning to knit at all because you think you have to suffer through making a garter stitch scarf before you can make a sweater. To that target audience, those posts are probably really inspiring! You don’t have to do the boring thing before you graduate into being allowed to write interesting things!

But on the other hand, there is something despair-inducing to realize the amount of work required to produce your dream, especially when you don’t know if you’ll ever have the spoons to be able to create it. So yes, write it anyways. But leave room for grief at what you can picture but not accomplish, and learn to make peace with the beauty you can find and cultivate. That’s how we got Piranesi, by the way.

...What Piranesi is not is the longed-for sequel to JS&MrN. Only months after the publication of her debut, Clarke became ill with what was eventually diagnosed as chronic fatigue syndrome. “I was doing a lot of travelling and promoting and getting on and off aeroplanes – the sort of thing I’d never done before. And then in the spring of 2005 I collapsed, and that was the beginning of it. It’s hard to remember an illness because it’s just a lot of nothing. It’s very hard to make it into a shape.”

Writing became torturous – “all the projects I’ve tried to work on while I was ill kept flowing down a lot of alleys, that was part of the illness” – and the JS&MrN sequel is still “a long way off” completion. “I think it may be a feature with chronic fatigue that you become incapable of making decisions. I found it impossible to decide between one version of a sentence and another version, but also between having the plot go in this direction and having it go in that direction. Everything became like uncontained bushes, shooting out in all directions. That’s the state that the sequel to Jonathan Strange is in. It’s almost like a forest now.”

An invitation to the set of the miniseries in Yorkshire helped to clear the path. “I was really uncertain about going, I thought it would be too much for me, but I loved it. I’d felt ‘I’m not an author, I’m just this invalid and I have been for years,’ but they treated me as an author and that made me feel it was a possible thing again.”

With “the consciousness of all the years that I hadn’t written and all the projects I hadn’t completed” weighing on her, Clarke decided “to simplify what I was asking of myself”, returning to an old work in progress that was to become Piranesi (“it probably predates JS&MrN”) as a more manageable prospect. “I thought, it doesn’t have hundreds of characters and it won’t require a huge amount of research because I don’t know what research I could do for it.”

Susanna Clarke: ‘I was cut off from the world, bound in one place by illness’

So you might not be able to ‘do the thing anyways.’ You are allowed to grieve at what you can’t see yourself doing. But that doesn’t mean you will not find a more manageable garden to tend to. It is often hard to anticipate any kind of recovery when in the doldrums of sickness or pain, and yet we often do find easier and more enabling ways to live.

[rpbetter]

I'm so tired of roleplaying with people who don't put half the commitment I do into our threads and muses. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm a weirdo or like I don't belong for that. Any other hobby and people wouldn't care if I took it seriously. Why is roleplaying different? How can I keep going like this if I'm getting rudeness from all sides? I can't even go outside my already tiny bubble and find more partners, because I always see people putting roleplayers like me down and it's exhausting.

"Why is roleplaying different?"

Well, Anon, I know that was a rhetorical question, but I have some thoughts on that. To the surprise of no one!

I strongly believe that this is an issue with how fandom has come to dominate roleplaying. As I've said before, it really wasn't always like that. Of course, you always had canon characters and almost all RPers were invested in a fandom or two. The difference was that online RP was once viewed much more like tabletop RPGs are.

When the RPC became a near-total offshoot of Fandom, a lot of shit changed and very rapidly...and within Fandom, a lot of shit was changing very rapidly as well at that time.

RP has always been something looked down on (though, at least no one ever accused written RP online of being literally demonic like they did DnD, or made correlations to murder sprees like they did LARPing, so there's that) as strange, not the good, understandable sort of dorky.

Part of that is almost certainly because of the difference in the way society views writing vs the way it views hobbies like gaming - writing is seen as an intellectual pursuit and a job, gaming, even at its most negative points of view in wider society, has been seen traditionally as a downtime activity only.

But. RP was not looked down upon from within Fandom or in roleplay communities themselves like it is now.

When the whole experience of fandoms themselves became extremely mainstream and open, it welcomed in a ton of shit ideas and behaviors that were not previously prevalent. It changed RP, too, along many of those same lines.

When your hobby is considered objectionably weird by people within the fandoms you love and RP in and that makes you a sort of lowest-tier fan, the viewpoint of RP to RPers becomes something lesser than a valid hobby. When RPers are the same people who engage with Fandom monetarily, anything not monetized is passively consumable content, including RP. And RPers are trying to both deflect shame and struggling with wider society's mixed messages, that now hit them everywhere online as well. Shit like, "you don't have to monetize your hobby, it's okay to just make really good cross stitches of memes for yourself" and "if you're not paying me, you have no control over me."

We seriously do not view RP as a proper hobby anymore, that's why. There are many factors to that, those are just few, but that's the ultimate answer. It's not seen that way because it's not valued in the same way.

I think much of the problem with muns losing their entire shit over anyone else approaching the hobby differently, dare I say...more seriously, is related to a lot of complex psychology about self-esteem, control, and anxiety. So many people here struggle with serious self-worth and confidence issues, and I think to many of them, whether they realize it or not, when they see serious RPers, they feel like that's an inherent judgment and a danger to their own enjoyment. Because RP, as writing, is a skilled hobby - the more you practice it, the more skilled you become with it. Meaning that someone who approaches the writing seriously is going to be at a higher skill level.

Enter the way we're training to think about writing again - when they see someone who is very practiced, skilled, and confident with their writing, the learned idea is that they're somehow superior in a nasty, personal way.

I most certainly do not think that makes it alright, it isn't, and I'm not very tolerant of it.

It's absolutely alright to engage with RP in any way you see fit. If that's extremely casual, it's a minor hobby for you, that's great! I'm so happy you're enjoying yourself, and I mean that in no facetious way. But not when that is the only form of it respected and accepted. It's just as alright to have RP as your primary, serious hobby!

The only way we can all enjoy a hobby with such great variance within it is by respecting each other's variables, not by vilifying them. It's recognizing that, no matter how much you enjoy the mun and/or muse, they're not engaging with the hobby in the way you are, it's not a good fit to write together. (Please, begging y'all to be friends with those who are different, not enemies, shit's sake. You've not got to write together to be friends!) Instead of labeling them and being hateful. Different =/= a threat.

And, to go off a bit lol y'all demonizing serious RPers really don't get that there are some intense tones of ableism and more going on in that narrative of yours, huh?

Not that anyone requires a reason to be serious about any hobby, but when people pick a hobby like RP as their primary one...you should probably have the maturity to consider why that is. Could it be that they focus on a hobby they can do from their homes and that requires low physical involvement, and has a degree of separation from direct socializing, for a reason?

Serious RPers tend to be limited in their ability to pursue other hobbies. Mental and physical health, region, finances, and ability to spend time outside of the home are all very common limits for those who "take RP too seriously/are addicted to RP."

Maybe take five seconds away from your own issues to consider that the person you're shitting on for something so minor as a difference of importance of a hobby might be the full-time caretaker of a special needs child, having to remain home and on a very small income. They might be chronically ill or suffer from agoraphobia. They might live in an area with no hobbies of interest, affordability, or at all...or they might live somewhere that is incredibly dangerous for them.

I honestly do not know where these people have been that they've been aggressed at by serious RPers, but that's usually the excuse. (I'm not saying it has never happened or does not happen, before anyone goes there.) The idea that serious RPers are extreme elitists who are demanding that other muns do what they do, how they do it. That they expect other muns to be online and RPing all the time, that they be "available for entertainment at all times" at the cost of real-life matters. Having the expectation that threads not be dropped constantly or that a writing partner not leave for months with no contact is neither of those things.

In over two decades of RPing across almost every platform type that has existed, I have literally never seen that be either a singular RPer-type problem or one that serious RPers are even more likely to deal in. I've seen the opposite, actually. Which is not a condemnation or a statement that all casual RPers do this, just what my experience has been. And one that actually stands to reason based on the way they view and engage with RP - quick replies, quick entertainment, and very low commitment to threads, muses, or other muns. Of course, it's annoying to them when a more serious RPer is unwilling to do rapid-fire style quick, short threads from an ask with them, but is writing the lengthy replies they already owed instead.

That's probably a factor as well, in here among a plethora of misunderstanding/unawareness of differences - for many serious RPers, it's not easier and more fun to write short, quick threads. So, what a casual RPer is seeing is that they're willing to put all this extraordinary effort into a massive reply to someone else while their easy, fun, quickly done thread is waiting in line.

Misunderstandings and unawareness breed hostility, period. And there is a hell of a lot of those things in the RPC.

What serious RPers are expressing are either boundaries/expectations or frustration. Not a demand that you be around all the time, but an expectation that you leave them alone if you're not also a serious RPer who will be committed to threads and muses. Not hostility and elitism, the frustration that it's already difficult to find muns who will work out before you add in the majority rule of casual RPers.

It's incredibly disheartening, frustrating, and honestly, a bit anxiety-inducing to constantly be the weird one, always have few choices, and to be at risk of being Problematic purely because you take the hobby seriously. You can't vent without someone jumping on your ass to remind you (even if you said numerous times that "real life comes first" and "people can do what they want") that omg, people have lives, people can do what makes them happy, it's just RP.

It's so upsetting when you think you might have found a good writing partner, then, you see a PSA they've reblogged about how it's a "hobby, not a jobby," and "no one owes anyone anything, ever." Excuse me, as that last one is a direct quote, let me redo it so it is verbatim: "no one owes anyone here anything - EVER !!!"

I said I wasn't very tolerant :)

But seriously, exactly what you've expressed is why I'm not...it's another form of controlling others instead of trying your best to control your own experience, and it's often extremely hateful. I'm not tolerant of anything like that, it's no longer supporting preferences at that point. When your preference is the only one that will be tolerated in the community, it's not a preference anymore.

It's something that makes others feel isolated, afraid of harassment, and depressed. It is a hobby and it isn't supposed to make you feel like that!

And, no, absolutely the fuck not lol the "answer" to this isn't that you're taking it too seriously and need to take a break. I'm so tired of seeing that shit tacked onto RPH responses and vents and PSAs. You're not saying that RP is making you feel this way, "just take a break and come back when you agree with everyone else" isn't a solution.

Of course, if you do feel like your time here has become so upsetting? Yeah, obviously, you should try to find some other things to supplement your downtime that make you feel happier again. Engage in some other forms of writing just meant for yourself, or that can be published as fics. Spend some more time on a game you enjoy for a while, or get invested in a new one. Learn to shape bonsai or make no-knead rolls. Whatever would make you happy as a hobby when you're not here.

Other than that, however, well...we're not going to be implying on this blog that you're too serious and need to take a hiatus until you have no emotional investment in your hobby. That's insane. I'd not say it about hiking, martial arts, dog obedience competitions, hobby farming, or painting either.

I wish I could think of some solutions as to where you could look that wasn't like this, but it's definitely the majority of the RPC. It doesn't help that, due to this, serious RPers have a tendency to quietly stick together and not venture out into the RPC. They're just not incredibly easy to find.

I will say that they tend to be:

novella - if you're not here for serious RP and sticking around for a while, you're not going to invest the time and energy into particularly lengthy writing

older RPers - I would say that twenty-five is probably the youngest, with early thirties to late forties being the majority

in fandoms with a large adult base of fans - even if it's a franchise friendly to, or even meant for, younger fans, if it has a particularly active adult fanbase, it's a better chance of finding serious RPers in it

as above, old fandoms - fandoms that have been around for a long time tend to have more serious RPers in them

fandomless OCs - tend to have a higher chance of being written by serious RPers than canons or heavily fandom-involved OCs

RPers who do not do a ton of advertising for their muse(s), but when they do, they don't advertise them based on activism points or trends

slightly more likely to not have an emphasis on highly aesthetic blogs, graphics, icons etc. - they use a modified basic tumblr theme, low on graphics, their aesthetics are not on-trend, for example

anti-content policing/"write what you want" style muns

muns with more extensive rules pages - they plan to be here for a while, they take writing, RP, and their muse(s) seriously, so, it's a bit more important to them to head off problems before they start

those with older characters/FCs - be that literally in age or the character being one that has existed for a long time

"stay in your lane" style muns - if they're opining on fandom or the RPC, they must really be angry about something

those with numerous and detailed headcanons - for example, their response to a HC meme ask like, "what's your muse's favorite ice cream flavor?" is going to be treated seriously, not simply answered with "mint chocolate chip because my bby is gross"

As usual, not a complete or perfect list. I don't fit some of the things on there! It could give you some things to look for when trying to find other serious RPers, though. It's based on observances from someone who was never a casual RPer, even as a minor (me, obviously), and maybe it could at least keep you from continuously running into hostility about your approach to RP.

I've honestly considered making a list of some sort expressly for RPers who are on the more serious end of the spectrum, but...in a RPC back when things were dominated by serious RPers, I did that sort of thing with a RPH I had, and it still got labeled as being a list for and by Elitists. I don't know that anyone would want to put themselves out there for potential harassment on tumblr, you know? It was a joke then, just having a group of RPers label you as an Elitist. Here, you get told to kill yourself, and none of us need more of that shit, right?

Try to hang in there, Anon, I know it's upsetting, and I'm so sorry that something fun has gotten to be like this.

Try to understand that these people are coming from a place of irrational defensiveness, often in response to bullying themselves at some point or feeling bad about themselves. That doesn't make it right, but it does make it easier to not take to heart.

And keep at it! In my experience here, once you find a group of people you fit into, it really is...A Group. Especially among RPers who are ostracized, they stick together, they promote each other, and they're very happy for their mutuals to become your mutuals. Once you find them, it unlocks so many opportunities for the interactions and type of RP you've been missing!

[nagichi-boop]

Miya Chinen - BPD Headcanons

Back at it again with the mental illness headcanons. Originally I was gonna do NPD Miya headcanons but then I also realised that Miya displays a few BPD symptoms, so I thought I’d explore that first since I am more familiar with BPD than I am with NPD.

Disclaimer: I am aware that personality disorders like bpd are diagnosed later in life. This theory is more just a casual exploration of the bpd traits Miya displays.

Spoilers ahead

Also, if Ad*m is a trigger for you, maybe skip this one because his name will come up quite a lot in this post and I will not be censoring his name for the remainder of this post.

Without further ado, here’s the headcanons!

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment; (not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

When Miya’s old friends rejected him, he was deeply hurt. From then on he pushes everyone away, instead viewing friendship as a burden more than a blessing, perhaps out of a fear of being abandoned again. When he sees Reki and Langa, he is confused as to why he is suddenly reminded of his past, but my assumption is that he was secretly jealous of what they had as he was alone. Then when Reki stood up to Adam, suddenly his world changed. He started to associate with Reki and Langa more and more, him being especially interested in Reki. He went from considering Reki as inferior to being genuinely concerned about him (more on that in a bit).

Later on though, Reki goes missing and Miya begins to act somewhat cold to others (such as Langa). When he eventually sees Reki, he is deeply upset that he stopped showing up without saying anything. Despite his hurt, Miya tried to put it behind him, instead asking him to come back. Reki refuses and pushes past Miya, who yells out for Reki to wait. Then when he keeps running, he gets upset because Reki has “abandoned” him.

As an extra note, when Adam calls Miya “empty”, he gets deeply hurt by this, perhaps because it feels like the one person who respected him or had any connection with him has seemingly lost interest. Thank you Reki for stepping in ily

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

When it comes to his relationship with Reki and Langa, they tend to fluctuate quite rapidly. At first Miya almost despises them because of how close they are, jealous of their friendship. However after having Reki stand up for him, his attitude towards them shifts. Suddenly Reki is someone he wants to be around, someone he deeply cares about, even if he doesn’t show it very well.

When Reki stops showing up, that’s all Miya can think to ask Langa about and he seems to be somewhat cold towards Langa, whether that’s because he feels closer to Reki or has a suspicion that Langa is why Reki isn’t there. After all, Reki is the one who stood up to him, not Langa.

Then when he finally finds Reki, he is desperate to have him stay. But as soon as Reki runs off, all the good feelings towards Reki drop and Miya calls him a liar. When he comes back, Miya once again views Reki with admiration and care, to the point that he is the only one who is vocally and visibly concerned about Reki during his race against Adam, yelling at Reki to stop and begging Joe to stop the race.

3. Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Miya views himself as superior to others, likening himself to the hero of the story. When he loses to Langa and is called empty by Adam, however, he seems to have a major shift in perception, perhaps feeling deeply hurt to the point of feeling like he has nothing to offer. Skating is his bragging point, so to have lost to a rookie and be discarded by the person who had expectations of you - that has to do something to your self esteem.

He is shown quite a few times to let down his guard and be more humble, which shows that he doesn’t always view himself above others. For instance, when he told Reki not to skate against Adam, he did so likely out of a mix of concern and low self esteem, not wanting Reki to get hurt because of him (or at least that’s how I see it).

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg, spending, s*x, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating); (not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

Miya doesn’t fit this criteria. He tends to think through things a lot more and actually tends to err on the side of caution a lot more than his family peers do.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Again, this one doesn’t really apply. Moving on-

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Miya’s mood can change quite frequently. Let’s take his beef with Langa for example. He starts off feeling confident, viewing the beef more like a walk in the park than an actual competition. Then when he is reminded of his past, he suddenly becomes frustrated and that’s reflected in his increased focus in the beef. When he sees Langa attempting a dangerous move, he stops, immediately calling out expressing his concern for Langa despite previously being cold towards him. Having lost to Langa, Miya becomes upset, then is angered by Reki flicking him. He then becomes overwhelmed and happy (though he doesn’t immediately show it) that Reki promises not to abandon Miya, even laughing at Reki’s antics. When Adam enters and calls Miya empty, his mood immediately shifts to intense anxiety and upset.

In just that one instance, Miya fluctuates between various extremes of emotion - anger, upset, joy - all within a relatively short amount of time.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

When watching the video of Miya practicing, Reki makes a comment that Miya doesn’t look happy. In fact, he tends to put on a fake smile and smug persona when actually he is lonely and hurt. The passion he had for skating has disappeared, but he continues because it’s what he is good at - the people around him can all see that. Despite that, the enjoyment has gone. But when Reki comes around and is soon joined by the others, he seems to enjoy skating a lot more and that emptiness is less frequent.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights)

Miya is shown to have quite a short fuse. I don’t really have much of an elaboration, so here’s a small list of sorts of the times he has easily snapped.

His jealously causes him to feel resentment towards Reki and Langa. Remembering his past experiences with his friends also caused him to feel more upset and caused him to be more focused on the beef against Langa. When Langa misquotes something Miya says, he gets angry at Langa, partially out of embarrassment. At the beach when everyone is fussing over Joe, Miya’s annoyance gets channeled into him sabotaging Joe though my theory is he somewhat did this because he noticed Reki was annoyed. As previously mentioned, Miya got mad at Reki for pushing him aside and abandoning him. There’s probably more examples but hopefully my point is made.

His anger never really shows up as physical aggression. It’s usually in the form of insults or showing off with his skating.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Once again, I have little to no evidence for this. However, it’s possible that Miya’s flashback mid-beef with Langa could have been a form of dissociation as he even comments ‘why am I remembering this now?’ But more likely this just isn’t a symptom he experienced.

x

Anyways, this post was kind of more projection. I think that even if Miya doesn’t fully have bpd, he most definitely has traits of it, the most notable features being about his fears and responses to abandonment (real or perceived).

[not-poignant]

Hihii for the question meme, could you do 29, 62, 86 and 98?

Hi hi hi! I certainly can :D (Well, I can try)

29. best way to bond with you? 

*thinks* Slow and patient, and usually online first if someone knows me in real life. I am very quick to make acquaintances with someone, but very slow to make friendships, and sometimes it just takes a lot of time and willingness to understand that I’m very reclusive by nature? I’m thinking of the friendships I’ve made over the past few years. And I’d say... the people who have been willing to show patience and trust that my reclusiveness isn’t a personal attack on them, are the people I’m actually more likely to open up to over time.

But I’d also be the first to say I’m pretty hard to bond with. I hold a lot of people at arm’s length, and I prefer not to bond with most people. Which is probably a weird thing to say, now that I think about it.

Also if a person enjoys eating different foods or going out into nature a lot, that helps a great deal :D

62. seven characters you relate to? 

Kiriyama Rei from March Comes in Like a Lion. There’s a lot of personal reasons for this choice, including my childhood in a chess family, and knowing what that pressure was like and sort of...yeah. Anyway. I haven’t vibed so hard with a character for a long time and I don’t expect to for many more years.

Murderbot from The Murderbot Diaries. This one happened by accident. I loved Murderbot, and then one day Glen just said ‘Pia, you ARE Murderbot’ and I realised that maybe I adored the character so much because I found them so hardcore relatable, lol.

Dazai Osamu from (actual history) Bungou Stray Dogs. A lot of reasons for this, but the cavalier constant suicidality, and the...what people think of as an atypical manifestation of depression (but honestly isn’t), and a brain that won’t fucking quit.

Beverly Lincoln from Episodes. Which makes me laugh because one of our close friends hated her from the first episode. But Glen agrees that this one’s on the money. Driven, pragmatic, political, but also impatient, quick to burn a bridge, and sometimes really annoying to be around.

Nakayama Haruki (Haru) from Given. The bassist. That one’s pretty personal, so I’m not going to talk about that one lol.

Dana Scully from The X-Files. In truth I don’t really relate to her much anymore. But kid me and teenage me related to her a lot!

FitzChivalry Farseer from The Farseer Trilogy. I mostly related to how incredibly done he was with the world, and all his chronic illnesses, and how much the world just never let him fucking rest or have a break. His absolute ‘I seem to exist for everyone else except these moments of weird selfishness which only ever further ruin my life’ is um, a whole mood, actually. :D

86. cookies or cupcakes? 

Honestly neither. Yuck. But I suppose out of the two, I’d go with biscuits (which is what we call cookies here). But it has to be on a day when my mouth is actually producing a decent amount of saliva, which is rare since radiotherapy blasted my head.

Mama Mahoney’s cupcakes at the Malaga Markets are pretty good too, but not so good that I’ve had them in the last three years.

98. favorite historical era? 

I don’t actually really have one. (Again, how do people pick favourites?) But also like, I would say I don’t really understand enough about historical eras to really have a favourite. Although I did like those Victorians for their kinky fucking ways, but I wouldn’t say that makes it a favourite historical era? Maybe just the entirety of ‘every historical era before colonisers came and fucked things up’ or ‘every historical era before the Christian or some other religious missionaries killed hundreds of thousands/millions of people with their diseases and converted and ruined the rest.’

(Er)

Idk, I don’t...connect well with history. Like there’s not really ever been a part of me that has gone ‘I wish I could go back to this time period and spectate/see what’s going on or experience that firsthand.’ If you go back to pre-colonial times, there’s the grief and anger of knowing what was taken forcibly away. If you go to post-colonial times, you’re still living among huge systemic issues (and as a queer person with a genetic cancer, I wouldn’t have fared well in the vast majority of those eras). 

I know this question isn’t meant to be complicated, but I can’t get over the ‘it’s complicated’ hurdle to see the simple upbeat answer.

*

From this meme

[oh-obrien]

Migraines

Relationships: Dylan O’Brien x OFC

Warnings: Mentions of chronic illness (?)

Word Count : 5,010

Author’s Note: Hey y’all this is something kind of small and kind of cute I cranked out. I deal with chronic migraines and honestly 100% self indulged with this but it has tons of soft Dylan in it!! I kind of hoped to shine some light on what it’s like dealing with chronic migraines with it, mainly because that’s why I’ve been MIA the past week. It’s pretty hard to write when you can only see out of one eye lol. 

“Sometimes I just really wonder why I subject myself to this,” Lillian mumbled while she laid down on the ground in the middle of the Beacon Hills Memorial hospital set that they happened to be filming in on that day. “Or at least I mean, why I decide to just let my headaches go when I wake up some mornings,” she cracked an eye open to see Dylan standing above her. 

He held a hand out to her and she took it, pushing herself off the ground and closing her eyes once she stood flat so she hopefully wouldn’t notice the room spinning. “I would ask if you wanted anything but I know the answer already,” Lillian fell into step next to him while they got to where they needed to be for the next scene. “If you want to take a break I'm sure you could ask and-”

“I’m fine,” Lillian shook her head and closed her right eye that she currently couldn’t really see out of. She saw Dylan give her a knowing look and shook her head, “I’m seriously fine Dyl. I’m just going to grab some painkillers and coffee on lunch and I’ll be fine for the rest of the day after that.” She quickly pulled away from Dylan and walked over to where Holland and Crystal stood getting ready to film themselves. 

Dylan stood off to the side of the set with Tyler Posey, watching the girls film a scene together. Lillian laid in the hospital bed with her eyes closed, the prop heart monitor beeping steadily behind them while their director spoke. “Something is up with Lilly today,” Tyler mumbled while watching the way her forehead was wrinkled in discomfort when her eyes opened. 

“She has a migraine,” Dylan mumbled watching the girls again when quiet got called on the set. He saw Lillian close her eyes again while she waited for Holland and Crystal to finish their lines for the scene, everyone on set knowing they were going to lunch once their director felt happy with how the scene came out. “And I told her they would call the day early if she said something but she refuses to believe it,” he rolled his eyes. 

Tyler crossed his arms over his chest and nodded, “maybe she just needs lunch to unwind, clear her head,” he watched how Dylan looked on to set with concern. Tyler knew his friend cared deeply about their new cast member, from the dad Lillian had stepped onto the set Dylan and her had clicked. Lillian had grown up in     New York, allowing her and Dylan to quickly fall into conversation about their shared interest in some of the state’s sports teams. She had seen Dylan wearing his Mets cap the first time they met and offered him a smirk mumbling something about, “imagine being a Yankees fan,” before introducing herself to the rest of the cast. 

“I might just stick back here,” Dylan leaned closer to Tyler to speak so he wouldn’t interrupt filming at all, “just to make sure she’s fine,” he ran a hand through his messy hair. Tyler looked up to his friend and just nodded, not wanting to push the issue of where Dylan’s feelings for their friend currently were at the moment. 

When Lillian had moved to Los Angeles, fresh out of college, to join the cast of Teen Wolf for its third season, it quickly became clear that she wasn’t completely comfortable in the new environment. Her audition for the show had been a ‘joke’ of sorts originally and even getting a call back for the part had surprised her.

Lillian had planned on sticking back on her college’s campus for their fall break to attend a tournament for the college’s Ultimate Frisbee team she had played on. Due to weather concerns the tournament had gotten cancelled and with her parents also planning on going on vacation that week, there had been no point in her returning home. A few of her friends who happened  to be acting and theater majors, had planned on taking a trip out to LA that weekend for shits and giggles, to see if they could audition for a couple jobs after they graduated college, just to see if they had any shot at getting the parts.

They had convinced Lillian to walk into an audition with zero acting experience to raise their chances, even if would just raise them a minimal amount, it was still something. Upon walking into the audition, Lillian learned that she would be auditioning for a high school student who wanted to be any place other than high school. Something she related to on a personal level. She must have played the part pretty well because a week later on her way to practice she got the call that the producers wanted her to fly out to LA for the final round of auditions. 

After lengthy discussions with her advisors and parents the days following the call, she knew that she would be graduating a year early, and would have plenty of time to get out to LA before filming started. Armed with that knowledge and the fact that she would have to drop her dreams of attending law school if she did get the part, Lillian flew out to LA for the final audition for a role on the MTV series Teen Wolf. 

Two weeks after graduating from a tiny, central Pennsylvania University with a degree in Economics and Legal Studies, Lillian found herself moving out to Los Angeles to start a career as an actress. She had been able to rent a small house outside of Los Angeles with the help of her parents and moved herself and her dog out there in record timing. Her first day on set she had shown up in a pair of ripped jeans and a long sleeve from her college and felt grossly underdressed and unattractive when she had been introduced to the rest of the cast at the table read. 

“You must be Lillian,” A red headed young woman walked up to Lilly with a warm smile and offered her a hug. “I’m Holland.”

“You can just call my Lilly,” she offered a warm smile in return, tucking her keys into her jeans pocket and holding the binder with her first script in it tightly to her chest. 

Holland nodded and started to lead Lillian into a building, “Jeff told us not to overwhelm you, and we really didn’t trust any of the boys not to do that,” she laughed lightly turning down a long hallway. “We really are one big family though, I’d say this is the best way to ease into your first job.”

“I honestly never expected to wind up here,” Lillian laughed while she and Holland reached a door labeled ‘Teen Wolf’ within the studio. “I’m fresh out of college on an Economics and Pre-Law degree, before I auditioned I’d say acting was the last thing on my mind when it came to a career,” she shrugged. 

Holland looked into the small glass window of the room before speaking, “you’d get along great with Dylan then,” she stated, “Teen Wolf was his first job too! If you’re comfortable enough everyone else is in here, and the boys are quite eager to meet you if I’m honest. They love seeing new people on set.” 

“Sounds good to me,” Lilly shrugged while Holland pushed the door open, the room opening up to a bunch of tables in a large rectangle, the remainder of the cast, the show’s writer and some producers sitting around the table also. All the heads in the room turned to face them and Lilly watched as some of the members of the cast pushed their way out of their seats to introduce themselves. 

“I’m Crystal,” one of the other girls introduced themselves first out of the group. “That’s Tyler and Tyler,” she pointed to two of the younger guys who were standing up. “Daniel, Gage, and Dylan,” she introduced everyone who was standing. “I’m sure the adults are able to introduce themselves,” she laughed. Lillian saw the adults all talking amongst themselves, most likely not wanting to overwhelm her more than she already was.

“And you know me already,” Jeff Davis, the writer for the show, stood up to shake Lillian’s hand. “I’m sure you’ll be a more than amazing addition to the show.” He returned to his seat and started talking with the other adults, giving the younger actors time to properly introduce themselves. 

“Jeff said you were from New York,” one of the Tyler’s spoke up. “That’s pretty cool,”

“Not like the city,” Lillian laughed, “the island though yeah, I lived there until I went to college,” she offered the information. “And at least he’s not a Yankees fan,” she nodded towards the hat that Dylan was wearing. “How’re you a Mets fan?”

Dylan smiled and stepped more into the group, “I lived in Jersey a good chunk of my childhood,” he laughed. “You know how Mets fans raise their kids,” he just shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. 

From that first day on set onwards, Dylan had taken Lillian under his wing and showed her the ropes of being an actress. With Teen Wolf also having been his first acting job, he found a sort of kinship with Lillian that allowed the two to feel comfortable around each other. They shared experiences the others didn't really have in common with them. They had grown close together through filming, and with Lillian’s character taking a liking to Stiles they were both glad they had natural chemistry. On set they were never really far from each other, and some of their castmates had placed bets on when the pair would finally realize the feelings they had for each other.

“What does she think, Jeff’s going to kick her off the show if she takes a break?” Tyler asked Dylan while they watched Lillian rub at her temples between takes. “Because she really isn’t looking fantastic right now at all.”

Dylan let out a long sigh and shrugged, “I’m really not sure, man. You know how hard she is on herself though, so she won’t even tell you how bad it really is.” Once the director called for lunch break, Lillian sat up slowly in the hospital bed, swinging her legs over the end and pulling on her hair at the roots. She said something to Holland and Crystal who gave her sad smiles before nodding and walking over to Tyler and Dylan. 

“What’s Lilly not coming to lunch?” Tyler asked the two girls, glancing at Dylan out of the corner of his eye. 

Crystal shook her head, “she said she wants to just run through lines for the rest of the day. She said she had food in her trailer, plus she brought Bear with her today,” Crystal pointed out that Lillian had brought her corgi to set for the day and both of the boys turned to look at each other. “Oh you two see Bear plenty, give her a little space during lunch.”

Dylan watched Lillian talk to a few of the producers that were on the set that day, nodding along to what they were saying while she chewed on her bottom lip. Jeff walked over and said something that made her smile, giving a shallow nod to the writer before she walked off in the direction of her trailer, shuffling her feet while she went. “I’m going to stay behind too,” Dylan mumbled, taking off the flannel he had been wearing for Stiles’ outfit that day. 

Holland turned to give Tyler a knowing look and he just shrugged, not sure what to tell her. “Dylan, you know how she needs her space sometimes,” Holland pointed out. 

“It’s fine, I’m just going to check on her,” he waved the others off while he also started in the direction of the trailers. 

Opening her trailer door, Lillian peeled off the clothes she had been wearing on set and dropped them on to the table in the trailer. She grabbed the hoodie she had worn on to set that day, one Dylan had left at her house the week before and a pair of Nike shorts. She bent down to pet Bear who laid half awake on the couch in the room, his stuffed hedgehog under his chin. With a yawn Bear pushed himself up on to his short legs and stretched, going to sniff at his food bowl.

“Oh you’re starving,” Lillian laughed, opening the door to the cabinet where she kept his food, her head pounding while she leaned down. “Here ya go,” she filled his food bowl up and cracked open a fresh water bottle to fill up his bowl before plugging in her coffee maker and starting a fresh pot brewing. She had learned early on in her migraine endeavors that, unlike most people, caffeine fixed her headaches rather than giving her one. 

Grabbing a blanket she had folded on the table she quickly unfolded it and sat down on the couch, draping it over herself and closing her eyes, trying to ignore the pounding in her head. She wished that her coffee would brew faster so she could gain back some of her will to continue filming for the rest of the day after lunch. She knew that her and the rest of the cast had planned to go out to lunch that afternoon but couldn't bring herself to go sit in a loud restaurant for two hours with how quickly her migraine had taken its grip. Letting out a long sigh she felt Bear jump up in her lap and rested a hand on his back, running her fingers through his fur. 

Lillian had gotten Bear her senior year of high school, he’s a trained migraine alert dog and accurately alerted her to most of her oncoming migraines for the entire time she had him. He had alerted her of her current one the day before, but she had hoped it would have held off until after work that day. With her head tilted back and eyes closed Lillian continued to run her fingers through the dog’s fur, his chest rising and falling steadily under her hand. 

A few minutes later, while the coffee started to sputter out the last bits of coffee, a quiet knock rapped on her door and bear let out a sleep growl. Lillian just laughed lightly before saying ‘come in’ as loud as she could. Her head pounding when she did so, a quiet groan falling from her lips. The door opened and Lillian saw Dylan standing on the other side. He was dressed in a pair of sweats and a black tee shirt, his hair messy on his head and his phone in hand.

“He do his job like he’s supposed to?” Dylan asked Lillian motioning towards Bear who had decided to go back to sleep on Lillian’s lap. 

She nodded, “he did,” she knew Dylan wouldn’t be happy with her, now knowing the fact that she had an oncoming migraine she had told no one about until it hit. “I knew too,” she just shrugged while Dylan closed her trailer door behind him. She heard the coffee machine beep, signaling it had finished brewing and Lillian let out a quiet ‘yes’, going to move Bear so she could make a cup.

“I got it,” Dylan told her, walking over to the fridge and pulling out the milk and vanilla creamer she had in it. “Do you care if I take a cup?” He turned to face Lillian while he pulled down the sugar from where she kept it. 

Lillian shook her head slightly, “be my guest,” she told him. Dylan busied himself making the mugs of coffee, sliding Lilly’s carefully to her before making his own. 

“That’s the sweatshirt I left at your house last weekend,” he nodded to the hoodie she had on, “looks good on you,” he gave a small smile, sitting down on the end of the couch. Lillian shrugged in response, holding her mug between both hands and taking a sip of the warm liquid. 

She set the mug down again before speaking, “you left it, and it’s comfy. I’ll give it back later.” she closed her eyes while Bear got off her lap, moving to lay on his bed that currently had rays of sun pouring over it. 

“I wasn’t missing it all that much,” Dylan shrugged, taking a sip of his own drink. He turned to face Lillian, a serious look on his face. “Why don’t you ever say anything, especially when Jeff tells you to let him know?” He asked quietly. 

Lillian just let out a long sigh, opting to focus on her coffee mug instead of answering right away. “Can we talk about it when I can see out of both of my eyes again and can remember more than just my name and where I am?” she let out a small laugh. “I honestly was just planning on taking a nap after I downed a few mugs of coffee,” she added. 

Dylan watched as she started to rub her temples, her eyes closing while she did so. “I can go if you want,” he pointed towards her door. 

“No it’s fine, you’re here now and I'm awake we can just watch a movie or something if you want to,” she spoke softly, not opening her eyes at all in the process. 

“Lilly-”

“Dylan just, stop worrying,” she let out a long sigh. “Pick a movie and we can just hang out, you really shouldn’t have hung back,” she left the, ‘but I’m glad you did’, out. Lillian had a small crush on her castmate since the first day she had stepped on to set. His sense of humor and off the walls energy just appealed to her. Not to mention he always seemed incredibly sweet and cared about those around him in a way not many people could. The pair had bonded over their shared interest in many of the same sports team and one of them would usually host dinner and some friends on nights of games. 

He had also been the one to pick up on her migraine triggers first. He tried to avoid ordering food with too much garlic if he would be hosting the games, and he also knew if he planned on getting Chinese he could only order from a couple of places in the LA area. He knew that days on set where there would be flashing or bright lights and a lot of loud noise would also trigger her migraines sometimes. 

Off set, Dylan had learned to pay careful attention to Bear and could often notice when the dog was signaling to Lillian that she would have an oncoming migraine within the next day. “We don’t have to watch a movie,” Dylan shrugged and set his now empty mug next to Lillian’s. “You know I share your love for naps,” He laughed lightly kicking his shoes off and stretching out across her couch. “Give me a pillow and if you come lay up here I can rub your head,” he offered. 

Lillian pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, thinking the offer over. She knew that it would help her, and Dylan had done it before for her, but she didn’t want to get too cozy with him. Especially with her feelings growing stronger and stronger in the past weeks. “You don’t mind?” she asked quietly. 

“No I don’t mind,” Dylan shook his head with a small smile. Now give me a pillow and come share your blanket!” Lillian reached underneath her couch to grab one of the pillows she kept in her trailer and handed it to Dylan who adjusted it on the arm of the couch so he could comfortably lay on it. He sunk further into the couch, hanging his legs over the end, before opening his arms so Lilly could tuck into his side. 

Carefully shuffling around on the small couch, Lillian laid her head on Dylan’s chest and tucked in as close to him as possible so she could make sure she wouldn’t fall off the end. Pulling her blanket around both of them, Dylan wrapped his free arm around her back and the other started to gently rub at her left temple. “I don’t know how you balance everything,” he mumbled quietly, watching Lilly’s eyes close. 

“I’ve been doing it since like middle school,” she replied, yawning at the end. “You get used to it, trust me.”

Dylan moved his hand so it carded through her hair a few times before rubbing where the back of her skull met her neck, “but still,” he sighed. “I just feel bad is all,” he wasn’t quite sure what to say.

“Well you’re helping right now, so don’t feel bad,” Lillian snuggled more into his side. Her right hand resting on his chest. “Seriously this is more than I can ask for. At home I’ll sleep on a heating pad to try and help a little bit. Having an actual person is more than enough,” he words started to bleed together while she started to drift off. 

Dylan let out a small laugh, his chest vibrating against Lillian’s hand and cheek when he did so. He let his own eyes close while he moved his hand again, his thumb gently rubbing up and down the bridge of Lilly’s nose. He remembered her mentioning it the first time he had found them in this position. She had said her mom would do it when she had been younger and couldn’t sleep at night from her migraines. 

Opening his eyes when he felt Lilly’s breathing even out completely, he noticed her facial features had relaxed significantly, her brow no longer stuck in a tight crease. Her lips weren’t turned into a frown anymore and her nose no longer scrunched up in discomfort. He continued to rub her temples and up and down the bridge of her nose until Bear decided to use the steps to get up on the sofa to crawl into his lap and go back to sleep himself. 

“God,” Dylan breathed out slowly, letting his hand come to rest on Lillian’s hip once he knew she was actually asleep. “I am fucked,” he closed his eyes and decided to make use of the break to catch up on sleep himself.

✧༝┉┉┉┉┉˚*❋ ❋ ❋*˚┉┉┉┉┉༝✧

“Where are Dylan and Lillian?” Jeff approached the group of young actors when they had returned to set from their lunch break. “I’ve been texting and calling both of them and they haven't answered.” He looked around the group for an answer.

“Uhh-” Tyler Posey trailed off. “I know Dylan stayed behind to check on Lilly earlier, he said she had a migraine starting earlier and didn’t really want to tell anyone.” Jeff looked around the group, waiting to see if anyone else had an answer for him as to where the two could be.

Holland grabbed Tyler’s arm and nodded to him, “we’ll go see if we can find them,” she told Jeff with a small smile. The pair started in the direction of the cast’s trailers and Holland let out a long sigh. “This is why she's supposed to mention these things, no one wants her hurt or sick.” She spoke with genuine concern for her friend. 

“She told Dylan,” Tyler shrugged while they walked up the lines of trailers until they saw Lilly’s. “I mean, it’s something,” he added.

Holland just nodded and looked at Tyler. “Yeah, she likes him and he likes her, they’re happily oblivious to it though.” Holland approached Lilly’s trailer and looked in the window. She turned around to face Tyler with a smirk and nodded towards the window. 

Tyler approached the window and pushed himself up on his toes so he could see in. He noticed the pair curled up on Lilly’s couch together, asleep, and Lilly’s dog curled up on Dylan’s lap. “I bet they're both still pinning though,” He laughed quietly. “Should we see if the door’s open?” He asked Holland.

“Probably,” she walked up the stairs to the trailer and pushed on the door that swung open. Bear lifted his head to watch the pair, but didn’t make any noise. He knew the two and also knew they would often supply him with treats if he behaved. She watched Tyler take out his phone and take a picture of them before tucking it back into his pocket.

“For safekeeping,” he laughed while Holland approached the pair. She reached out and shook Dylan’s left shoulder, trying to carefully wake him up. He let out a quiet groan and opened his eyes, blinking sleepily at the room around him. When his eyes came into focus he noticed Holland and Tyler standing in the middle of the trailer, knowing smirks on their faces. 

Dylan cleared his throat before speaking, “she had a headache, I just offered to help,” his voice slightly scratchy from sleep. 

“And you are both absolutely oblivious to the mutual feelings between each other apparently,” Holland rolled her eyes. “You’re both supposed to be on set, but I’m sure Jeff wouldn’t mind wrapping early if he understood her situation.” Dylan looked down to where Lilly still laid passed out on his chest. 

Dylan sighed, “might be best for the day, I know earlier she wasn’t really able to see out of her one eye. Probably not the safest thing on set.” He watched Lilly turn her face further into his chest and started rubbing her temple again. 

“Yeah, man,” Tyler gave him a small smile. “We’ll go talk to Jeff and you see how she’s feeling.” He turned to leave the trailer, Holland hanging around a few seconds longer. 

“Trust me Dyl,” she let out a quiet sigh, “just tell her, I know you won’t be disappointed,” and with that she turned to follow Tyler. 

Dylan closed his eyes for a second before opening the again, lightly wrapping his hand around Lilly’s shoulder and shaking her. “Lills,” he hummed, “you gotta wake up,” he said. Lilly groaned and he watched her peel her eyes open, blinking at the light filling up the trailer and tucking her face into Dylan’s chest again. 

“I know,” he rubber her shoulder, “you still feel shitty, but Holland and Tyler are going to see if Jeff can end the day early-”

“Nope,” Lillian sat up quickly, groaning when she did. Her head still pounded and she wanted to go back to sleep, but she had a job to get done. “I just need to change and-”

“You need to lay back down,” Dylan grabbed her arm and pulled her back into his chest. “I care too much about you to keep letting you do this to yourself,” he added. Lilly just closed her eyes, trying to will her nausea to go away, not wanting to throw up in front of Dylan, of all people. She felt a few tears of pain and frustration slip out of the corners of her eyes and gave up, sinking back into Dylan’s warm embrace. 

“This fucking sucks,” she sniffled while Dylan’s thumb started rubbing up and down the bridge of her nose again. “I can’t just not work because I have a headache, everyone gets headaches, I just need a few minutes to get rid of the queasiness,” she mumbled. 

Dylan shushed her and used his thumb to wipe away the tears that slipped out of her eyes. “You need to rest more, Lills,” he started rubbing her back with his other hand. “Tyler and Holland are going to come tell me we can leave early and then I’ll drive you and your furry friend here home.” He looked down to Bear who had fallen asleep again.

“I don’t-” Lillian squeezed her eyes shut tighter, “I don’t want to be home alone,” she spoke quietly. “It’ll just last longer and then I won’t sleep and I’ll still have it tomorrow and-”

“I’ll stay,” he cut her off, “as long as it’s okay with you.”

“Dylan you don’t-”

“I want to, Lilly,” he looked down at her, her eyes finally open again. “I care about you,” he took in a shaky breath. “A lot, and I won’t leave you alone like this,” he continued to play with your hair. “I want to help you take care of this,” he leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead. “So please just, let me take care of you for once.”

“I-” Lillian trailed off, looking up at Dylan who watched her closely. “I don’t want to tie you down with this, you don’t deserve to deal with this,” she shook her head. 

Dylan hummed in response and shook his head ‘no’, rubbing her temple again with his pointer and middle fingers. “I like this though,” he smiled lightly, “you’re warm and comfortable, Bear is asleep in my lap,” he shrugged, “I’m quite happy where I am.” He watched Lilly look at him, her face stuck in a state of disbelief. 

Just when Lilly went to speak again, Tyler, Crystal and Holland appeared in the trailer door. “Jeff said we can stop for the day, it was all just going to be getting a head start anyway,” Tyler said. 

“See,” Dylan looked down at Lilly, “thanks guys!” he addressed the others. They all gave Dylan knowing smiles before telling Lilly to feel better and leaving the pair alone again. “Now, let’s get you two home and order something to eat that won’t bother your head more.” 

Lillian sat up slowly, a small smile on her face while she pet Bear who yawned and opened his eyes also. “As long as you promise to snuggle more,” she pouted at Dylan. 

“I promise to snuggle more,” he laughed sliding off the couch. “Now let’s go.”

[carewyncromwell]

I don't know if you want to talk about this (and feel free to ignore this if you don't want to answer), but I wanted to ask which side of the Ethren mess you're on? I know in the beginning you were on his side, but I've seen so much hate and so many accusations and I don't know what to believe anymore, and I trust your judgement

I have to be honest -- when I first saw that a blog had been created with the specific purpose of “calling out” someone in the HPHM fandom...I blocked it.

I come to this fandom largely to escape from the real world. It’s been one of the few remaining sanctuaries I’ve had during this quarantine and from my own mental health problems. I’ve made a lot of friends in this community, and I feel very strongly about putting out more positive content than negative, as well as trying to digest more positive than negative. I don’t like the thought of a stranger posting stuff online about someone else who -- let’s be honest -- nobody truly knows unless they actually physically know them IRL. Unless one wants to go down an entire rabbit hole of getting to know a person uncomfortably well, there’s not much anyone can do to prove what’s true. And I know it sounds really immature and selfish of me, but...I was never that interested in learning much about this fandom’s members’ personal lives, excluding what the friends I’ve made have been willing to confide in me on a case by case basis. I have plenty of my own drama happening over here on my side, and I just want to have fun roleplaying with people’s characters and making content for both mine and theirs. It’s been one of the few things that helped me fight back my untreated and severe chronic depression after being furloughed from my job thanks to the COVID-19 shutdown. My job had been my escape, and without it, I was drowning -- one of my only life preservers was making content for this blog. So for my own mental health, I shut out the negativity, because I wasn’t emotionally or mentally able to deal with it. And admittedly, it felt to me as though this sort of thing really shouldn’t be handled online when -- again -- this sort of thing seems like it’d be better handled in the real world and the legal system, rather than in the court of mostly anonymous public opinion. And it also feels kind of nasty to reblog content from people online who simply liked the character Ethren Whitecross and made fan content for him, just to harangue them for it. It’s like attacking all Harry Potter fans for being transphobic just because they enjoyed something created by a trans-exclusionary radical feminist -- particularly when in the case of Ethren, the vast majority of us don’t know Ren personally. One could’ve related to Ethren’s story without knowing anything about his creator, and people did, often not because of any kind of malevolent reasons.

After receiving this message, though, I unblocked the blog in question and read some more of their posts. When I’d first blocked it, the only post of theirs I saw in the HPHM tag came across as rather hostile, and combined with Ren’s blog saying that an ex was stalking him, I don’t think it’s unsurprising that some people were initially warded off by it. But reading some of the other stuff written on that blog since...I must acknowledge there’s a lot of troubling stuff there. It made me very upset, and made me kind of regret that I’d initially jumped into making a stance without hearing both sides. But at the same time, considering that someone from outside the fandom had arrived specifically to target someone in the fandom, supposedly on behalf of someone else who also had no ties to the fandom, it looked a lot like cyberbullying to me at the time. Now it’s very clear there’s more to the story, and for that initial leap to judgment, I am sorry. I wasn’t in a place where I understood fully what the discussion was about before I took a side, and that’s something I should know better than to do.

But I think this comes down to, in the end, my answer to your question, regarding sides.

I don’t want to take a side -- because I didn’t come to the HPHM fandom to fight people. I came here to be happy.

I know someone could read this as cowardly and ignorant, but please, understand that I thought long and hard about this. This place has been a safe space for me, and I understand it has been for others as well -- a place where we can go to enjoy art and fanfiction for something we enjoy and roleplay as new, interesting characters with other people who have similar interests and creative leanings. I thoroughly understand that it can’t truly be a safe space if we allow people who would threaten other people’s safety into it, and I also thoroughly understand that people can include problematic aspects of themselves into their characters along with good things (just look at how J.K.’s apparent subliminal views on the LGBT+ community influenced how she’s handled Dumbledore). Both things are definitely things to be aware of, and it’ll be an ongoing struggle to try to propagate a truly welcoming and positive, and yet safe and supportive community. There will always be shadows and dark spots that aren’t easy to see, just like with all fandoms, and it’s good to now and again take the time to examine them.

But to quote a line from one of my favorite songs, “it’s hard to light a candle, easy to curse the dark instead.”  I cannot log onto my computer and into this fandom every day and think about openly attacking someone else, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. This feels like something that the victim should handle herself in the real world, and I truly hope that she finds peace in whatever path she takes. But that is her story to tell, to write, and to play out -- it’s not mine. Mine is a story I have written and am still writing, where I’ve tried to find a way to be happy and be a good person despite everything in my life that has made that so difficult. And so I truly feel the only way I can approach this situation is to not let the things that hurt and drain me have power over my life, and put my energy toward things that build me up instead. I try not to visit tags or places online that could be triggering, and simply enjoy the things I do like. I’ve stopped spending money on things Harry Potter-related because of Jo’s stance on transgender rights, but still engage in the HP fandom and celebrate what is good in the original material and especially what its fandom has made out of it. In this case, I will simply do the same, particularly since from the look of things, Ren’s blog is no longer around for anyone to interact with anyway, positively or not. I’ll engage with blogs whose work I can still enjoy and give me some light when I most need it, and try my best to keep creating more light of my own for others. I will light candles, and little by little, I’d like to think the room will be bright enough that the dark will be significantly smaller and less scary than it was.

I understand if any of you disagree with or are angry about anything I’ve said. I know “playing both sides” is not a great thing to do, and I truly don’t mean to. But I’m afraid I do have to take my own side here, for my own mental and emotional well-being. I responded to this Ask because I felt like saying nothing would’ve truly been the cowardly thing to do, by pretending the issue isn’t there at all. I’m not pretending it isn’t there -- but I do think it’s a battle I’m ill-equipped to engage in, not because of my personal morals, but because I don’t feel emotionally able to play the role of judge, jury, and executioner in this court of public opinion.

[crossroadsfossil]

aaaaaa on the topic of your quirk-related illnesses post: do you have any headcanons about disability in bnha’s setting (quirk-related or otherwise)? and i guess by extension: should quirklessness be classified as a disability?

Fuck it- world building prompts. Send a fandom and a prompt. ILLNESS CONTINUATION

So, before we get into BNHA and Disability, I will note that I have next to no knowledge of how disability is view/treated legally or socially in Japan, which is the view we’re given. All I know is what I’ve gleaned from pop culture and one pair of youtubers (Simon and Martina). I’m making an assumption that Japan and the USA have similar ideas regarding disability, and those ‘ideas’ are, at best, lacking in empathy and sympathy and mostly lip service. 

Additionally, I will be using the term ‘disabled’ as it’s laid out by the ADA, as that’s what I’m most familiar with. Disability is defined as “a person who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activity.”

NOW, as for BNHA universe- 

I think having a disability in this universe would be like being disabled in reality. It would suck. If you’re very lucky, you have a support network that can assist you. If you’re moderately lucky, the government pays lip service to assist you. In all cases, I’m pretty convinced that society sees the disabled as either something they did to themselves, or an inconvenience or something to be pitied at best and hated at worst. 

I think the potential in the BNHA universe to become partially or completely disabled is much, much higher. There’s statistically a higher chance of being disabled through violent means- Hero or villain inflicted injuries. I think quirk lashback would increase the likelihood of becoming disabled.  

Fuck, we’ve seen how the BNHA universe treats the disabled, and it’s not good. One of the characters with the largest presence who is also disabled is Jin Bubaigawara and, well. He was killed. He fell into villainy. He had no. Goddamn. Support. And that is common in the real world so I doubt it’s any less common in this one. 

There are others who are visually disabled. There’s Ectoplasm, who’s missing his legs. There’s Ingenium, who’s paralyzed. There’s FUCKING ALL MIGHT. I don’t know how well Etoplasm and Ingenium are treated. I don’t know how All Might is treated, but from what I remember of the whole post-skinny might reveal, it’s not great either. 

All Might does what a lot of people with disabilities do, myself included. He hides it. Clearly, there is a stigma attached to being crippled. There is a stigma to being less than 100%. There is a Stigma for not being ‘plus ultra’ enough. 

I wish I had some fun headcanons for disabilities in the BNHA universe. I wish I could whip up some delightful headcanons about how it’s better than it is in the real world, how there are funny, quirky things like I could with the illness post and having the Pepper Up Cough. I wish my headcanons about this could be fun and more headcanons and less applying what I know and have experienced to this universe. I wish I could. But I can’t. 

I think being disabled in BNHA is just as bad, if not worse than in the real world. We’ve seen the cruelty related to quirks. We’ve seen the apathy of the general public. We’ve seen a lot of that society and not a lot of it is good. 

Here is my headcanon: I think if you are perceived as being less than healthy, you are seen as weak. A victim at best and a deserving villain at worst. I think the support for disabled people is nonexistent, no matter how minor or severe the disability. I think it’s the same vultures, different liver kind of situation with BNHA as it is with RL. 

I think there are more people with disabilities than there are in RL. I think more people hide having a disability too. I think getting a doctor to diagnose a disability would be harder than it is in RL, and gods knows that’s hard enough. I think discrimination based on disability would be more prevalent. 

I think there were be types of quirks that would almost guarantee a future disability. I think it’s brought up in a lot of fic discussing Present Mic and Bakugou and Jirou- their deafness or the deafness of those around them. I think it’d affect characters like Midnight- who would probably end up with a chronic lung issue unless her body is adapted to breathing it in all the time. I think Aizawa is going to have eye issues eventually, probably even going blind at some point. I think Nedzu, being a rat in a human world, would be considered disabled simply because the world is not built for him. I think Cementoss would have mobility issues as he ages. Fatgum and Momo probably will have issues regarding how fast they burn fat/nutrients. It’ll probably manifest in their hearts.

I think a lot of people end up with a disability brought on by their quirk. The human body is an amazing thing, but it has limits and I don’t think those limits play well with time- or another way to say this, I think people are more likely to burn out faster than we are. I think it’s going to be more like an animalistic ‘live hard, die young’ sort of thing. 

I also think it’ll be entirely glossed over by the populace at large. People are very good at ignoring things, and a growing number of disabilities would probably fall under ‘things to absolutely ignore’. 

I could ramble more, but I want to get to the next part of your question:  

Should quirklessness be classified as a disability

I read that and, hoo boy, it triggered an immediate bout of snarling until I could analyze why it pissed me off. 

Let’s return to the definition I gave at the beginning of my answer. A disability is anything that interferes with a person’s ability to do one major activity. In canon, what do we know of being without a quirk? 

It’s said that 20% of the world is without a quirk. Is this accurate? Is this reflective of each new generation? We’re not given information on this. I’ve read plenty of fic that have explored the validity of these given statements, pointing out that they don’t seem to agree with what we’re shown in canon. I’ve read fic where it’s stating this is gross oversimplification, or a skewing of the actual data, which I’m a bit of a fan of being numbers like that are never accurate. One in five people have no quirk? Really? Then why was there no other quirkless kids in Izuku’s school? Does affluence play a factor in this? We’re just... not given a lot of detail, and the details we are given are not pretty. 

The details are this: being quirkless has hindered Izuku Midoriya socially, and, if we want to extrapolate from there, it has probably hindered him educationally and professionally as well. Melissa Sheild has been hindered by being quirkless. Not to the same extent as Izuku, but she is, according to the wiki, ‘ she used to be seen with pity for being Quirkless’. To me, this sounds like people have... hm. how to say... ‘tried to protect her’ for her ‘weakness’. 

Basically, looking at these two individuals, it sounds like society takes away their agency, and if that doesn’t ‘hinder one major aspect of an individuals life’ then I don’t know what does. 

ALso, look at those who BECAME quirkless. Does it hinder them? Are Mirio and Ragdoll hindered? Yes. 

So, following the rules I set out, yes, being quirkless does count as a disability. Legally, would it count here? I don’t know. If someone fought for it, then I can see some countries classifying it as such. It’s certainly treated as a disability in canon. There is a stigma to being quirkless. 

Do I personally want being quirkless to be a disability? 

No. But I am hella biased because I AM disabled. I see Melissa out there living and doing things I would love to do. That I would love to do. Notice I didn’t include Izuku. That’s because I see him having some comorbidities, which, kind of annihilates my knee-jerk reaction, doesn’t it? If he wasn’t quirkless, he probably wouldn’t have the comorbidities. Since he does and they also impair his functioning, then... I think it can be logic’d that he does have a disability. Multple, perhaps. 

Again, my logic may not be super solid there, but... According to the rules set out via ADA and medical professionals, yes. In that new society, it would be a disability. 

I hate it, but in that universe, the baseline for ‘100% normal’ has shifted, just as it’s shifted over the past hundred, three hundred, thousand, six thousand years. That line is always shifting as humanity grows and changes. Hopefully, that baseline begins to include empathy and sympathy and compassion into it. 

[painfog]

Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕