#main reason i want a job NOW
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jaykyle au where they're theatre kids in the same school but they're not the actors jason's the scriptwriter/director and kyle is the prop manager (i don't know the official terms sorry) and they'd probably do an amazing job on the backstage setting if they could stop arguing for 5 whole seconds about their artistic visions and ideas and how "this would obviously work better this way"
#jason todd#kyle rayner#jaykyle#mypost#dc thoughts#vp of the club: maybe we should find some other people to do the job if they can't get along?#pres of the club: no they're both talented af and i want this to be raving success just knock their heads tgt and tell them to play nice or#i'll make them wear the get along shirt again#WAIT ONE SEC DONNA'S THE PRES and overseer she's pissed bcos kyle played the same role last year and he was chill then#wally's vp no 1 and backstage manager and he's thinking of kicking kyle out#dick's vp no 2 and main lead and he's thinking of kicking jason out bcos it's embarrassing and annoying to work with your younger siblings#kon helps kyle with props and bart is one of the actors and kon is jealous af about it he grumbles a little#roy is the fight scene choreographer#i'm trying to think of something for garth but the only thing that comes to mind i'm not sure are fitting enough#actor manager? weapon manager? oooh maybe pet manager if they have animals... human and pet manager???? hr department but including animals#ooooh maybe pet manager if they have animals#raven can play bart's love interest (in play) maybe (wally doesn't like it and neither does gar for very different reasons)#eddie deals with the contraptions they build for this bubble machines smoke machines lowering and raising anything mechanical#rose and cass helps with the weapons stuff they keep fighting too and roy is TIRED#connor plays the villain he didn't mean to or want to but he got dragged into it and he's really hot and gunned in for next years main lead#he doesnt want this#steph and mia are hair makeup costume department but bart and kon love to hangout and help too#jennie-lynn and bart are in-charge of socials#tim pops up a lot because so many of his friends (and brothers) are here and when he does he helps steph and mia#damian too pops up to help with pet management and sometimes prop art#this is much to dicks annoyance jason is already here can his little brothers LEAVE HIM ALONE SOMETIMES UGH#damian (taking cues from talia and bruce loverenemies dynamic and wanting an artist in-law): we should set jason and kyle up#dick: no / tim: hmm / dick: NO#i want to add the yj girls (cassie cissie greta anita) but i know too little about them right now but imagine they're there and the roles#are to be determined
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i need a new strategy for like, cleaning my room and doing yoga and reading and leaving the house. the adhd has reached mythic levels of bad. i have the thought, "i should do X," and then i won't move. i make a to-do list and i won't do anything on it. i queue up a yoga practice and i won't do it. i stare at my room and get stressed out about how cluttered it is. i write 3000 words of notes for a fic i don't even know if i'm going to write. i think and i think and i think about my OCs and they won't let me write them. i spend hours looking at stuff i can't buy. i take like an hour to write this.
#rum.txt#i have to do something about my phone...........#i might be able to uninstall tumblr#i can't uninstall twitter because the stupid fucking thing turns off notifications when you do#so i wouldn't be able to catch up on the accs i have notifs on for#(a very small list of forcebook- and kaibaek-related accs)#i can't uninstall instagram because of forcebook again lol#i also use it for recipes sigh#but i might start just... leaving it in my room when i get up and see how that goes#i'd also have to try to not look at my phone first thing in the morning#i also have to start actually getting up in the morning#i think that's the main thing#ok maybe when i take my medication in the evening i start getting ready for bed#it'll take long enough that it'll probably still be late but reasonable late#and not like. almost 3 am like now#one of the problems with my room right now is that i have a lot of STUFF#and i'm afraid of getting rid of the STUFF#because the last time i got rid of a bunch of STUFF#(mostly clothes)#i totally regretted most of it and i'm still like ah shit i don't have that anymore? :(#but also i have a big bed that i just want OUT of there#and a huge wardrobe that unfortunately holds a lot of the STUFF#so i don't know where all the STUFF would go#and every job i apply to sucks#and every job i actually want is TERRIFYING in both its unattainability and the miniscule possibility of its improbable successful executio#so i'm like stressed out about a thing that hasn't happened to make something that hasn't happened that i'm also stressed out about#every possible scenario whether i want it or not feels like it could lead to a meltdown because everything is so god damn hard right now#AND I FEEL SO!!!!!! SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and the worst part is that i know all this is because my stupid fucking period is coming up#but just because my hormones are making me feel overwhelmed and melodramatic about everything doesn't make anything i've said untrue
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#I think usually people know what they're wanting to do after college and I. do not. pensive emoji#I thought I knew and then in my last year of college I figured out I don't actually want to be a librarian. so. oof#pray for me as I look around for something...#I've told people I want to be a librarian for like ten years and now I'm just lost. it's very scary#too many choices and simultaneously too many jobs I Can't do for various reasons physical mental etc#but sometimes you don't have a choice and just have to take a job that destroys you a little so. waugh#Robin processes emotions on main
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my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.
anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.
#it's pretty annoying because my mother-in-law of course asked me how applying for jobs is going. I haven't applied for a single one yet#bc dude I can barely get through the day. I sleep for 12-16 hours a day. and I'm almost always in some kind of pain. and I'm not doing so#good mentally either. come on! I interacted with a handful of people in one day and had to sleep for like 6 hours.#anyway so I said it's a bit difficult because I'm constantly tired - it felt like the only thing she might kind of understand?#annnd she said its probably a vitamin D deficiency and I should get that tested (I won't because I'd have to pay for that and also I think I#read that taking vitamin D supplements doesn't actually help? I can't remember now and I don't want to look it up bc I know it definitely is#not the only or even main reason I am always tired.#I took vitamin D tablets for several months last year (?) bc my previous GP recommended it and. it did absolutely nothing at all#plus. like. I can't sleep. I sleep like shit. always. so. idk? that definitely doesn't help#and I sleep more when I'm in pain and all that too. so.#and she knows I have a bunch of health issues but. nope it's vitamin D because that's one thing and it's simple and here take a pill you're#fine now! wait why aren't you fine now? oh I guess you're just lazy 🙄#< that's 100% how that would go#ugh. Just let me sleep for 5-10 years. maybe that'd fix me....#like. I'm trying to get myself back (?) to being an actual human person again. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm trying to#live and not feel like I'm drowning every fucking day#finding a job is only gonna add more stress and exhaustion and everything. if I want to try to help myself this is the time to do it#okay rant over I'm going to sleep now#personal
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bruh idek what i'm supposed to do at this point. like the only way i could physically make enough money to pay all of my bills including making a payment of $250 on my credit card (which would have me making payments for the next four years btw), my student loans, and my current rent, and be able to reasonably afford to eat i'd have to make like $2500 after tax, so basically 21/hr. i have no fucking clue how to make that much money
#i'm really hoping the extra sales/repair money from this current job is worth it#but it did piss me off that the manager is talking about cutting my hours back to 32 from 39 after my training is over#i'm gonna talk to him and tell him i was not signed on for part-time i was hired to do full time work#but even then just the baseline pay after taxes and health insurance is just barely enough for me to reasonably live and that's WITHOUT pay#paying my rent bc my parents are paying it for me rn :/#and its like its not just one bill it's like all of my main shit is so expensive#i can't get my car insruance down my car payment is 330 a month#and i cant get out of paying my student loans unless i want to tank my credit#i just feel so fucking stuck rn#i wouldnt even care about having ot have my nose to the grindstone if i could look forward to saving money to do fun things in the future b#but i'm literally so fucking far from that reality it's not even funny#literally the only reason i havent gone crazy and am still doing things every now and again is bc i've put myself in debt 😭
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#i hate my teen self for a variety of reasons#but the main one that keeps coming after me#is the fact that i wanted to be cool and have an ''artistic name'' to use everywhere online because ''i'm an artist and i'm cool''#and went and chose an actual name that exists and people are called that#and that is a female name so now it gives me dysphoria and also doesn't even resemble my name (either chosen or legal) in any fucking way#so now when i have job prospects i have to go like ''ok this is my name please refer to me as such#but everything legal i gotta sign i'm gonna use this other name#oh the name on this email i'm literally talking to you with? yeah pls ignore that one''#like now it's kinda too late to change cause it's literally everywhere#but also I don't want to publish books under this absolutely horrible thing#and i hate myself so much#jfnsjg#like this is what happens when your birthname gives you dysphoria but you don't understand#so you change it to a different girl's name#UGH#i'm gonna have to keep using my '''''''artistic name''''''''' for like social media and shit because that's the only googleable now#but nobody fucking utter it!#ajfnjs#angel talks#personal
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Finnish media: a police officer on horseback rode into someone when breaking up a protest so that the person fell down. that was fucked up and probably not allowed
People in the comment section: well it's their own fault for not moving out of the way. the police told the people to move so anything that happened after that was their own fault.
#there were some smart commenters agreeing that yeah that was messed up#and okay i have some complex thoughts about this protest#it was an anti-nazi protest and the organisers told police they'd be at this one square in helsinki#unfortunately the neo-nazi parade had already gotten permission earlier to be there#(yes nazis are allowed to freely hold protests but we have fairly strict rules for how stuff can be banned based on ideology)#(it is messed up but it's not the main point here)#so the organisers were like ''we'll be there earlier and leave before the nazis come''#no fucking way that would be possible without all-out fighting in the street. the job of the police is among other things to keep#these two protests away from each other#so rather than compromising and going somewhere else the organisers decided to just hold the protest there anyway#so the police didn't let them do it#so quite frankly they chose to focus on opposing police rather than the actual fucking nazis#and by doing so took away from the message of ''we don't want nazis on the streets''#because now we're not talking about the nazis or how many people opposed them#we're talking about police#and my social media is filled with people acting like the nazis were allowed there and the anti-nazis not for some arbitrary reason#or due to ideology#and not because of pure bureaucracy: the nazis announced it first
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So I drew cyrus in one of his outfits from TACO salad!! A amazing fic by Lady_Sandry on ao3. Some close ups under the read more and notes in the tags!
#octopath traveler 1#octopath traveler#cyrus albright#okay Now i can ramble#So. first off i honestly dont think i did a great job making him look like cyrus. i do struggle to transfer characters into my style without#lowkey redesigning (the curse of rarely doing fanart and being a character designer)#constructive criticism welcome btw!!#but some general design notes!!#i wanted to add purple into his color scheme because its simply a color i associate with him (to me Therion is light purples and cyrus is#dark purples)#despite his actual color being black. i just dont like using black unless im doing like blank and white w pops of colors#same thing with white. i normally use off whites.#about his eyes!! they are grey in the fic so here i gave him very grey light purple eyes (for previously mentioned reasons of not liking#black and white)#and!! to represent his magic are the blue yellow and red eye shines. red being the main one since its mentioned he was naturally inclined#towards it in the fic#i used paper and pencil (overlined w a blue pen) then took a picture and drew atop that in ibis paint (great option if you only have a phone#btw.)#also i havent drawn since. literally my last post#so im Rusty#getting back into it yippie<3
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Processing some things
Also the fact that he's crouching with his hands on his knees is so cute to me for some reason?? He does this in another episode too - the one where Chakotay finds a symbol on an unknown planet...it's just so adorable to me. He could just lean down but no. Also of course his fingers are spread again - GOTTA utilize the whole hand whenever you do ANYTHING (if you're Tuvok)
#anyway. he's so pretty I'm gonna bite my arm off spongebob style.#Tuvok in the Maquis: I'm gonna spy on these criminals but also?? I'm gonna try out a new eyeshadow look.#Tuvok calling Neelix 'sir'....one and only time v_v treasure it Neelix#Do these replicators make clothing? (yes.) Will they make me a uniform like yours~?? (No. They most CERTAINLY will NOT. <3)#<- also Neelix is naked and Tuvok brought him a towel in a way that was very theatric but also very 'lets dry you off'#like...not just handing it to him#I love Neelix's scrappier early seasons vibe <3<3#I also like whenever he was like 'GOD these Starfleet people are a bunch of BABIES...eat the damn leola root. It's good for you~!'#I FROGOT KES WAS HELD CAPTIVE BY THE KAZON???? KES ARE YOU OK???#Kes: I'm told I'm too curious...it's my worst quality~ <- and then the writers never let her out of sickbay#In my ideal world Kes & Neelix are like brother and sister (harkens back to Neelix's lost family and gives a slightly more sympathetic#reason for his overprotectiveness which would now not be romantic jealousy but still something he had to let go of for them to truly be#friends) and also Kes tried every work station aboard Voyager...every episode she's somewhere new but her MAIN job is still in sickbay#Kes is in a pseudo cult and she said nu uh I believe in a different pseudo cult and I love that for her#Kes: I don't want to be dependent on the caretaker!! (reasonable) Our people have magical mind's abilities that allow us- (ok Kes)#just bc she was right doesn't mean it's not a WILD thing to think HEhehehe#SNRKEHEHEHE HARRY STOP TOM CAN'T TAKE THIS#Tom: How can I let down the only friend I've got~? / Harry: Friend? What makes you think I'm your friend~? / Tom: -sobbing into his pillow-#Neelix saying 'Well...the fool needs company!' ok <3 I'm twirling my hair a little....got a bit of rizz...#literally an hour ago he was willing to leave them all for dead and now look at him#OUG hTom Paris the racism....ough the racism...not even the fantasy alien kind.......oaaau ugh oh it hurts the real world racism.....#TOM NO STOP TALKING!!! TO M NO THE RACISM - TOM PARIS !! TOOOOM!!!!! <- walter white screaming meme#(remembers its Harry's FIRST mission) a different kind of pain....#Janeway and Tuvok holding hands: We're so fucking doomed. This is a terrible position and we have to do what's morally right but#by doing this we're going to be trapped here - maybe for the rest of our lives and not just us but the entire crew. But we have to#do this horrible thing BECAUSE we're good people.#<- not enough attention is paid (including by me bc I forgor) to the fact that Tuvok was with Janeway when she made that decision#and backed her up...just a sad little moment to themselves#OOF Tom...three for three on the racism....TOM#Neelix's sales pitch...yeeAAAH~!!
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just woke up from the best film I've ever watched in my life only to realise it was a dream
#IT DOESN'T EXIST. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FUNCTION#is there an animated film about like these 6 rats or something escaping from this guy but there's all these themes that they go through#and the final theme is death bc one of them gets impaled by a rose thorn and it's like FUCK bc they were almost gonna get away#so there's this old guy who's a bit of a prick but he becomes nicer at the end but he's the one that dies#and these two girls one of them is like idk she's good at a lot of things and the other one is kind of a pushover#then three guys one of them is really pathetic one is kind of silly and one of them i guess is the Normal Main Character type#also there's humans going about their lives in the present but for some reason the rats' lives are set in like? early 20th century italy#and there's all these shots of like the italian scenery for some reason. idk why it's set there but it's a vibe#idk who the guy they're getting away from is or what he wanted with them but yeah#and bc they're rats or whatever type of rodent they were they would like hide in bushes and it would be really intense bc like#what if the guy can see them#and basically not to give any spoilers but then the old guy died and they wrote some quote on a bit of paper and drew a pic of him and stuc#it on the wall as tribute. and idk who's gonna see it bc I think they were amongst some plants at the bottom of like#one of those bench booths you get in restaurants or cafes. I have no idea#but then it ended with them walking up this hill into the sunset or something idek#with this like late 60s/early 70s big produced sweeping strings tambourines etc. banger playing over the credits#also my car was in it occasionally. and this guy I went to college with and never spoke to#and my best friend briefly#and earlier on I had another dream but idk if it was connected. but it was stan kyle kenny and cartman#but they got a job where my dad works in this park as like. toilet assistants. as in when someone went#to the toilet they'd open the door. that was the whole job#but one of the job requirements was they had to be beatles coded apparently#like that's what it said on the application. so they basically just reenacted the history of the beatles#while opening toilet doors#it was like 4 dreams in one but they were all somewhat connected. also the lining in my coat was so reflective it made a sound#and I was telling someone about my favourite chord progression idk what relevance that had but standard dream i guess#anyway. rodent storyline was going on as it did but at the end it became a film and suddenly I was there. watching it with my friend#and i was like ''god originally I would've given this a 4 maybe 3.5 on letterboxd but now it's getting a 5 + a ❤''#ramble#oneiro
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I need to commission 5-6 oldwebcore nu-moe edgelord furries to draw fanart of david sylvian for me
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im just unhappy scratch that the more i think about it the more im just straight up miserable and dont want to be here anymore
#is there anything i can do about it? no not really i cant motivate myself to do anything that would mean anything#i dont have a job i cant apply for anything i dont want to look into schools i cant get into#i look like shit i feel like shit everythings fuck awful and im a horrible person incapable of anything worth a shit#good morning im just gonna. fuck i dont even know anymore. im fucking tired but i have to get up for some god awful reason#i just wanna rot. would be for the best#night is an absolute mess on main#and good to know more stress about money stuff when things get cut and getting your applications accepted for help is gonna get more#difficult and selective than it already was. im already barely making anything now im gonna get even less#im just. what the fuck am i supposed to do to stay alive in this economy anymore
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Hi. (Announcement in the tags)
#uhmm...i don't know how to explain this...#so my family has been having a lot of trouble lately#mostly our relationship with our step father#there's been ups and downs..well..more on the downer side. the only main reason my mother married him was because of..well..#money..as trash as that sounds. i can't deny the fact that I've been able to continue my studies due to his financial support.#i don't want to justify anything that i've probably done wrong to him but emotionally right now—i'm simply scarred to the point where—#I don't think I could heal without professional help. I've been struggling a lot with it ever since of what he did#i felt disgusted. dirty. I felt lost. I didn't want to forgive him. maybe this is the punishment i have to endure because I didn't have it—#—in me to forgive him. I know the principles of my religion and it is stated that one must always find forgiveness towards others.#no matter how big their mistake is. but you see—I'm not God. I am human. my kindness isn't as grand and as big as Him.#my patience is limited and so is my forgiveness#that applies the same to my mother. my mother is a very patient person when it comes to her husband. but yet again she isn't an angel—#nor is she God. she is also human and has limits to what she could handle and what she could forgive and forget.#they argued tonight. and I don't think it'll slide or end well like the past arguments. and I'm sorry to say but—#I won't be able to be active all that much either.#without him now I'll probably have to look for part time jobs. which is gonna limit how active I will be here and on my main account#I will probably go into an indefinite hiatus for some time#maybe I'll come back...maybe I won't. hopefully I will. just...pray for me that I have it in me to continue doing what I love and—#—sharing these little bits of what I do in my free time with you.#I won't have the time to reply to anything for the time being. college tests are on the way and I have to prepare myself for—#—the better or worse.#if things go downhill and you don't hear from me for a long while. then this will probably be my last post here.#I'll still be able to reply to messages on other platforms#but I just don't have the emotional stability to talk right now. No it's gonna be fine. I have faith in me and God.#I know that He doesn't put His children into burdens that none of them could handle.#and if He thinks I could handle this. then I will. and I can. He is with me and so is all of your faith.#that puts me in a sense of reassurance a little hahah...#yeah.. so...I'll see you then..bye.
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literally actually shouldn’t even be posting this, but like. y’all.
there’s a tiny itty bitty chance i might be getting promoted soon.
#like. ‘soon’ being in the BIGGEST quotation marks#but like. it could maybe possibly actually happen in the next few months potentially????#bc apparently the main reason it hadn’t happened yet was my manager being uninformed about how long i had to be working in my position#to be qualified#which like. fair. she’s new#(i’ve known the whole time - but it’s FINE!!!!!!)#but yeah anyway we talked about it and i just now sent her the links to the past job postings with the real time requirements on it#(which i have done twice over by now)#so like. ???????????#MAYBE????????????????????#i really truly don’t want to get my hopes up because i have been let down SO many times in this job#but my new manager is cool and legitimately wants the best for my coworker and i#so. Perhaps.#that’s all i can say for now#but here is HOPING.
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assassin himeru au
#<- filled with thoughts about a slightly off version of the main story#where himeru and kohaku are hired by two different sides (godfather + es?) to take out rinne and niki#because they've been doing a lot of under the table activities during their lives and shit#i was telling lis maybe theyve been wanted for robbery or smth but they're stealing money thats being laundered by these sides that theyve#managed to get details on the meetings on or whatever and they redistribute it back to the people who it was stolen from#or barring that if they cant figure it out for whatever reason just redistributing it to people who need it and reporting the crimes to the#government or whatever. and himeru and kohaku have to have a 'are we the baddies' moment while they've got#knives to rinne and nikis throats (i need himeru and rinne to be paired + niki and kohaku#bc of REASONS like rinne is the only one who can worm his way into meru's mind like that bc he's annoying#and niki really just shows genuine kindness to both of them but particularly kohaku and kohaku is like.#is this what it feels like to have someone care about you unconditionally#as niki is talking about what they're doing for dinner that night and trying not to cry as kohaku struggles to keep going with his plan#) and anyway they have a we're the baddies moment and turn coat and now they form crazyb to be like. double face if it was worse at#their job. you get me?#shay speaks
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nothing sucks more than being made to apply for the 20 jobs/100 points a month for centrelink and they STILL havent paid you for the last month. and also pretending to do applications for jobs that you know you wont get.... bc still, after your past year's job experience, NO ONE wants to hire you. fucking hate job hunting man.
#life#about me#shut up ilona#ilona's job hunting thoughts and woes lol#ilona's work dilemmas#ilona's work thoughts#besides the point that i keep getting told to apply for disability job program instead and claim it's my anxiety that makes me need it#except i need a psychologist and my doctor to vouch for me#but at least i dont have to physically go into a job provider office anymore and get dismissed after a 2 min meeting...#.... all to be told that i should PAY FOR MY OWN xero or myob course instead of them paying for it for me.... which they should actually do#but bro it's $800 that i dont have on jobseeker FUCKING PAY IT FOR ME#but you have savings yeah?? well yes but thats not your business and im not going to use those.... bc now i have to use them for my car#and also the main reason i want my backpay after not applying for JS for 6 months is bc my car rego is due 2 days before my birthday....#....and it $519.60 so PAY ME CENTRELINK FOR FUCKS SAKE#and also ive only applied for 34 jobs over the last 6 months and kept vouching that at least one of them would instantly hire me#bc i had one year's recent experience which is obvs what my old boss fucked up for me with being my referee for that disability admin posit#*position..... or one of you dumb motherfuckers putting out useless job ads hire me for fucks sake it's not that fucking hard y'know what i
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