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ack3rlady · 3 years ago

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In A Perfect World - Part 1

Summary:

“And with that, I want to give you this ring that once belonged to my mother, with a promise that that you will never have to face this world alone.”

Leaving you a series of letters to cope with his death, Erwin kept the promise he made to you...the implausible promise of forever and beyond.

Concept inspired by the novel 'P.S. I Love you' by Cecelia Ahern.

Notes: Erwin Smith x Reader, Angst/Comfort, Fluff, Character death, Swearing, Set in the aftermath of the Battle of Shiganshina - So spoilers for S3

Word Count: ~5.9k

One | Two

Master List

Tags: @red-n-tall @ibimyeon @artistgoudeau @erasingonce @erwinzacharias @machinegunkellies @emmysmith @spiritusdei @maryaeger @devilslover666 @saysuchwonderfulthings; anyone who would like to be added/removed, please let me know!

Song rec - Dancing With Your Ghost - Sasha Alex Sloan 🎵

“You’ve fought well. It's all thanks to you we’ve come this far. I’m making the choice. Give up on your dreams and die. Lead the recruits straight into hell. I will take down the beast titan.”

The walk towards death seemed unusually long. The blood-stained debris of the boulders showered upon the troops by the beast crunched beneath his feet as he made his way to the remaining unsuspecting recruits to command them to dedicate their hearts one last time.

“Levi, there’s one last thing.”, Commander Erwin stopped in his tracks. He reached into the concealed pocket of his tan leather jacket and turned to hold out a bunch of keys before the captain. “I need you to keep these safe. The large one is a key to my quarters, and the small one belongs to the bottom right drawer of my desk.”

“Tch. You have got some nerve giving me paperwork duties right now, Erwin.”, Levi deadpanned at the ridiculousness the blonde man was exhibiting during his final moments.

“No, it's not that. The drawer, it contains letters. Letters I wrote for her. I need you to give them to her starting from the day after my funeral. I trust that you will be there for her when I am gone.”, Erwin’s gaze was locked on the ground.

“And what good is that going to do for her?”, Levi asked, taking the keys from him.

“I don’t know. Consider it another one of my selfish deeds. I knew that this day would come sooner or later. I have made peace with never witnessing the fulfillment my lifelong dream. But I’m not ready to say goodbye to her just yet.”

The captain stared at the brass keys in his hands, shimmering underneath the harsh Sun, and then at his Commander marching to his eternal damnation with his head held high.

Five months ago, Year 850.

The trots of your mare echoed through the dark and empty streets as you zoomed past a row of houses. Your cloak flapped with the wind, as did your hair. Your flared nostrils, deadly glare and gritted teeth could be spotted from a mile away.

“Did I do something wrong?”, a worried voice called out. Erwin trailed a few feet behind atop his stallion, clueless about why he was suddenly invisible to you.

The pair of you were returning from another ludicrous feast hosted by the Royal family. Most Survey Corps gave it a slip and were back at the headquarters due to the current situation. Things were strained after the revelation of the titan-shifter, Eren Yaeger, and the regiment was laying low. But they needed funds, and events like this feast were the only place to butter up upperclassmen with heavy pockets.

Levi never bothered to show up, given his passionate contempt for the scum that generally attended such lavish evenings. But even Hange, Moblit, Miche and the other veterans were ordered to evade the evening by the Commander owing to rising tensions, making himself and you the only faces representing the Survey Corps.

The banquet, as always, had been dull. Your excitement for having the rare opportunity to dress well and look presentable died an instant death the moment you entered the hall. The stares of entitled perverted men boring holes into your body, the snooty glances from the worthless hoity-toity women, and the Herculean task of holding a conversation with the moronic members of the royal government for more than thirty seconds, were weighing you down.

With a loud exhale and your last remaining brain cells, you searched through the dense crowd for a familiar tall blonde male with charming azure eyes. You spotted him at the far end of the massive hall, immersed in an exchange with a man whose bald head shone like the moon under the bright chandeliers.

Erwin looked handsome as always – standing tall, his face exuding confidence, honey blonde hair parted at the side and neatly set, revealing a darker undercut, the deep olive-green coat fitting his broad muscular frame like a glove, and a pleasant smile directed towards the man before him.

Weaving through the horde you made your way in his direction, blatantly ignoring anyone who tried to strike up a conversation. You had had enough for the night.

Erwin’s gaze shifted from his comrade towards you as you moved closer, eyeing your approaching figure from head to toe. He took a sip of red wine from his glass while silently admiring how exquisite you looked tonight. Having lost his attention, his colleague turned to you as well, both men looking impressed by what they were seeing.

You wore a sequined maroon gown, quite matching the drink in Erwin’s hand, and styled your hair in an intricate fishtail braid that cascaded down your left shoulder. Crystal earrings dangled from your lobes mirroring the intricate chandeliers above. The neck of the gown was shaped like a V and sat right above your cleavage, revealing just enough to leave most things to imagination. The back was low, plunging down to the small of your back, allowing the battle scars you collected over years of service to be proudly shown off. The gown hugged every inch of your body and fluidly trailed behind as you strutted towards the pair.

“Ahh! If it isn't the lady of the evening.”, Commander General Dot Pyxis held his hand out.

“Hardly. Sir, a pleasure to see you as always.”, you beamed, situating yourself beside Erwin and placing a hand into Pyxis’ that he politely kissed.

“How has your evening been? I can’t imagine it was pleasant, given the company you were with up until a few minutes ago.”

“You’re absolutely right. I will quite literally pop a vein if I must endure another minute of talking to or about those pigs again. What were you busy conversing about?”, you buried your face into the glass of wine that one of the numerous attendants offered to you.

At that, Pyxis playfully slapped Erwin’s shoulder, “Well, Smith here was telling me how you are solely responsible for him finally accepting domestic bliss.”

“Oh?”

“Well, everyone who knows Erwin was quite shocked when the news of your nuptials made it through the walls. We were curious about the woman who was finally able to tie him down. I have tried convincing him to embrace family life on multiple occasions, but it was like talking to a wall thicker than the ones around us. I, for one, was not at all surprised when it turned out to be you. Only you had the power to change this man’s mind!”, the older man grinned, his teeth peeking through the bushy mustache.

“I may be the commander, but this lady right here is my commandress.”, Erwin chimed in.

"Tie him down, huh? Yes, the commandress had to knock him out cold and stuff him in a carriage to get him to marry her. Isn’t that right, love?”, you feigned a smile and excused yourself, briefly glaring at Erwin before storming out.

Coming to a halt outside the stables, you alighted from your mare and handed over her reins to the scout that was on duty. You caressed her mane, wished her and the scout a good night before charging towards the main building with Erwin following suit in silence. He ceased questioning you about your sullenness to avoid uninvited attention from the few scouts who worked night shifts doing various chores in and around the headquarters.

“Will you please tell me what is wrong? You haven't said a word in the three hours we rode here for. How do you expect me to rectify this situation if you won't reveal the reason behind your outburst?”, he finally began after locking the door to your room.

“Outburst?", you hurled the chunky bracelet off your hand at him, which he swiftly caught, "Erwin, why does everyone think that I compelled you to marry me? As if I held a blade to your neck to get you to make me your wife?”

“Is that what this is about, love?”, he calmly tried to make his way over to you.

Tried.

You were sure that you saw his lips upturned into the smallest smirk for a fraction of a moment, irking you further. He always maintained that rage looked adorable on you.

“Stop patronizing me with your calm tone and your smug face, Erwin!", you flinched away from him; your glare so menacing that he would be six feet under if looks could kill. "Pyxis was not the first person to raise that question tonight. Did you not want this? I was under the impression that we made a mutual decision, did we not? In fact, you are the one who begged me to marry you, despite denouncing the idea of commitment for years. And now I’m the one who ‘tied you down’?”

“We have talked about this hundreds of times. You are reading in between lines that don’t even exist. He is just happy for me, for us! You are everything I ever needed, my love, and I could not consider myself any luckier. You should know that well by now.”, Erwin cooed, bringing a defeated you to his chest, holding you in a secure embrace.

“Erwin?”

“Hm?”

“I’m not everything you ever needed. There’s one more thing.”

“And what would that be, love?”

"That fucking basement.”

A deep chuckle made his chest quake against your cheek as you both soaked in each other's warmth. You inhaled deeply as you nuzzled your face deeper into him and hummed. The fragrance of his oud cologne with a tinge of spicy cinnamon turned your joints into jelly and you melted in his arms.

“Hmm... I love you, Lady Smith.”

“I love you too.”

Present – Year 850

The sun was plummeting beyond the walls, painting the sky’s canvas with deep hues of pink, orange, and purple. You lay on the roof of the headquarters, a secret spot only a few knew about, gazing up into the infinity. Your left hand was folded underneath your head, and the right one rubbed soft circles on the knuckles of Hange’s fingers intertwined in it.

“We’ll get through this, okay?”, they whispered lightly squeezing your hand.

All you could do was blink away the tears and nod. A few agonizing days went by since the nine remaining members of the survey corps returned. Your life was turned upside down when the one person who meant the world to you was not among them. After years of learning to live everyday like it was your last, nothing could prepare you for your worst fear becoming reality.

You cursed the day when you reluctantly accepted Erwin’s decision of excluding you from the mission to reclaim Wall Maria, after putting up a lengthy fight. The severe injuries you sustained when the cavern under Reiss Chapel collapsed led him to deem you unfit for the mission. But it could not be more obvious that it was your husband who made that choice, not your commander – a man well known for his rectitude had finally let his emotions affect his duties.

“Hange, do you think Erwin would have married me if Trost hadn’t happened?”, you asked, not really knowing why. Did you really want to know the answer to this question?

“Why are you bringing this up now?”

“Because as much as it hurts to admit, I don’t think he would. The decision didn’t seem like one that the astute Erwin Smith I always knew would make.”

“Well, if you really want my opinion, I think he would. If not then, then eventually. I spent enough time with him to know how crazy he was about you.”, they smiled, but their demeanor softened at your lack of reaction.

“You know how chaotic things were in those months after Trost. The stress may have caused him to make a questionable decision. The man was hanging on by a thread. And that thread was you! But he never once regretted marrying you, not even on his worst days. Don’t contaminate your memories of him with these seeds of doubt, okay?”

They were right. There really was no point in dwelling over your insecurities. With a long shaky sigh, you bid Hange goodnight and parted ways with them to head to your respective quarters.

Emerging from the stairwell, a blonde boy with a mop-like head and a man with a dark undercut caught your attention; and it seemed like you caught theirs too. The two were immersed in a quiet conversation in the hallway across the courtyard before being interrupted by your presence. The shorter man curtly nodded and disappeared into his office, while the younger boy skedaddled in panic, desperately steering clear of your path. Levi and Armin had been avoiding you like the plague since their return.

You were aware of the events that took place in Shiganshina after the battle, courtesy of Hange. So, their behavior was no surprise. But you were not bitter like they assumed you to be, definitely not at Armin. The poor boy did not have a say in the decision and was evidently suffering from a horrendous survivor’s guilt.

And you had known Levi ever since he joined the Corps six years ago. He was one of your best friends and you trusted him with making an informed decision backed by a compelling reason. Finding it out was not a priority just yet. The wounds were too fresh.

Making a mental note to eventually address the two, you continued your journey in the direction of the place you had been evading all day.

When you finally entered Erwin’s office, every inch of your body was overwhelmed by memories of him. The lingering aroma of his cologne, the numerous books lined on shelves that he loved to read, a giant map laid out on his desk from the brainstorming session right before leaving for battle, the ink pot and quill he last used, half melted candles from burning the midnight oil, his phonograph sitting by the window, all starting to appear dusty. His green cloak was neatly draped around the back of his chair, just like he left it before his final departure. You could almost picture him at his usual spot, immersed in paperwork. Your sinuses were stinging, tears beginning to escape from the corners of your eyes.

So, you did what you had been doing every night since that fateful day– placed one of his treasured records on the turntable, put the needle to it and cranked up the phonograph. As it began to emanate melodious tunes, you plopped yourself on Erwin’s chair, wrapped his cloak around yourself and deeply inhaled whatever was left of his scent, wishing it would somehow bring him back to you. You wept into its warm comfort as exhaustion finally took over and the sweet clutches of slumber tightened their grip around you, transporting you to the only place you hoped to see him again – your dreams.

Your eyes were glued to the dark wooden floors of the mess hall. A few days after the funeral at Mitras, you invited Erwin’s close friends, comrades, and acquaintances to the headquarters for an evening together as an ode to him.

The military chefs had prepared their old commander’s favorite dishes after a generous donation from Flegel Reeves. Platters of pork tenderloin braised in herby red wine with garlic and herb roasted potatoes, and bread pudding graced every table along with a selection of spirits.

Classical music echoed through the large room, and many of his near and dear ones including Nile Dok, Dot Pyxis, and Hange made toasts in his memory. It was endearing to hear how cherished and respected he was as you sat sniffling at a table with Hange and Levi, frequently wiping the tears leaving your distant eyes. Your head rested on Hange’s shoulder and theirs rested on yours as you both missed the men you loved and lost.

A sense of unease was growing heavier in your stomach. It became painful to breathe as your eyes kept returning to Erwins portrait propped up on a table by the window that continued to smile at you; the harsh new reality of his eternal absence taking root in your mind.

From now on, you wouldn’t find his bright blue eyes beaming at your presence every time you’d enter a room; there wouldn’t be a warm kiss waiting for you when you returned to your quarters after spending long hours at work; the comfort of his strong arms would forever be lost; the friendly banters about battle strategies or life outside the walls over tea in the evenings would cease; you would never wake up to his beautiful smile again.

The bile in your stomach was on the rise. You were unsure whether the nausea was a result of the ugly truth or the drinks you downed on an empty stomach. You darted towards what you incorrectly recognized as the nearest restroom and ended up inside the pantry. Heaving while sprawled on a crate, you tried to push back the rancid upchuck that threatened to leave your body. Instead, the floodgates to your eyes gave way. You silently wept into your hands, as the world outside continued to go by. What wouldn’t you give for Erwin to walk into that room right now and engulf you into an embrace!

“Oi! I hope you're not taking a shit, because that is not a toilet you are sitting on.”, a cold, flat voice startled you.

In fact, it was contrary to the affectionate, syrupy one that you longed to hear. You looked up in confusion to see Levi’s head peeking through the door, his eyes peering at your almost fetal posture.

“Ahh, the ever-gracious Captain Levi. Thank you for your concern, but I’m not nearly drunk enough to mistake a crate for a toilet. Please close the door before someone spots me.”, you tried to maintain a stoic face, but failed to suppress the rattle in your voice.

He stepped inside, closing the door behind him, launching a few moments of excruciating silence; two pairs of eyes glancing at random things scattered around the small enclosure. Suddenly a jar of dried lentils was the most interesting object you had ever seen. This was the first time you were in the same room as him since his return.

You had been close friends for years, with you being one of the first people besides Hange to befriend him after Isabel and Furlan died. While most of the regiment kept their distance from the man because of his background or his crude mannerisms, his quirks never offended you. You were intrigued by them. You even mirrored them, making you one of one of the few people he was comfortable being himself around. But all that history was long forgotten after the recent events.

“You look like crap.”, he finally spoke.

You shook your head in disbelief. You usually found his crassness amusing, but not right now.

“Have you ever been in love, Levi?”, you sighed; wiping the residual tears off your cheeks.

“Once.”, he responded, taken aback by his own candor. He was obviously done drinking for the night.

“Oh. And did you lose her?”, you unsuccessfully tried to hide your surprise.

“Never had her. She belonged with someone else.”, he was starting to panic at the effects of liquid courage.

“What? Who?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Well, the love of my life just died and left me in shambles. I think that has earned me the right to look like crap, Levi.”, you sank into a sack of rice, fingers fiddling with its frizzy jute strings.

Levi had never felt this uncomfortable in the entirety of his existence. He had no experience in dealing with his own emotions, let alone the emotions of the grieving widow of the man whose death he felt responsible for. Should he try to comfort you? You would probably reject him. But he could not just leave you there. He was desperate to remove himself from this situation, feeling almost claustrophobic.

“Should I bring Hange? They’ll only be of as much help as a pissing insect since they’re slouched over a table as we speak.”, he mused.

“No. I was actually about to head back. If I hear one more pathetic condolence, I will willingly jump off to the other side of Maria. Help me take them back safely, will you?”, you asked as you fixed your appearance the best you could and got up to leave.

The two of you supported Hange’s wobbling body from either side as you walked them to their room. Unaddressed grief and the burden of new responsibilities combined with alcohol had reduced them to a mumbling mess. It was like tucking a high-strung toddler into bed. You and Levi sat by their side till they eventually drifted off to sleep.

He held the door open as you walked out of their room. He was in the middle of breathing a sigh of relief at the end of the long ordeal when you turned around, making him freeze mid-exhale -

“Levi, I think you and I are due for a conversation. Tomorrow?”

He nodded; his face impassive but heart racing. He stifled his shudder at the tone of your voice. Even the toughest of underground heists did not intimidate him this way. What was it about you?

Wishing him a good night, you retired to your quarters to follow your nightly routine of falling asleep to soothing symphonies at your departed love’s desk.

Sleepy Eyes fluttered open to nothing but vast blue sky before them, littered with cottony tufts of clouds. You narrowed them into slits, trying to adjust to the dazzling daylight. Your body immensely relaxed upon taking in a deep whiff of the air that was fresh, cool, and laced with a sweet fragrance of something you couldn’t exactly pinpoint. A sea of purple flooded your vision when you propped yourself up on your elbows in an attempt to get a better look at your surroundings.

You were lying in the middle of a lavender field, lush and aromatic, spreading as far as your eyes could see; no walls or buildings in sight. All that stood before you were a lone Sycamore tree, the silhouette standing under it and a glorious white stallion galloping across the infinite expanse.

‘Is this heaven?’

You lowered your gaze upon yourself, analyzing your body that looked much different from what you always saw. Your skin was devoid of all scars, smooth and supple like a peach. Your usual deep green uniform coat had been swapped for a pristine white dress that swayed with the gentle wafts of breeze. Your feet were bare, brushing against the windswept shrubs while you wondered where you were. Memories of having been in this exact place before began to sprout in your hazy mind.

You slowly approached the sprawling tree, its branches reaching for the sky. It was bursting with life, alive with the sweet chirps of birds, some of its rustling leaves floating away with the wind without a care in the world. With a deep inhale, you filled your lungs with the sweet yet peppery aroma of the lilac spice.

You froze in your tracks when the blurry figure became clear as you got closer to your destination.

“Erwin?”

Your breath was rendered shaky, eyes instantly filled to the brim with tears. The man you missed profoundly was standing right before you, just a few feet away – tall and genial, beaming at you with the smile that you had begun to forget. His handsome features were devoid of the stress that had battered them over the last few years, making him seem much younger than you remembered. His unchanged sapphire eyes still held the world in them. He looked happy, and well rested. The sight was like cool water for your parched eyes.

“Hello, Lady Smith!”, he said cheerfully.

You sprinted towards him and practically flew into his open arms, burying yourself into his embrace, feeling the familiar warmth of his body, hearing the steady beats of his heart. He firmly held your body that was now limp against his from the overwhelming flood of emotions.

How much had you missed this!

You wept into his airy white shirt feeling the strong muscles of his chest against your cheek, of his breaths tickling your skin, how his smooth golden hair felt around your fingers, how it felt to be safe in his arms, like nothing or no one could ever harm you.

You felt his fingers on your cheeks, gently wiping away the tears, and then on your scalp, softly massaging the skin and running through the loose strands of your hair as he peppered your face with kisses, a feeling that calmed you down on numerous nights before. This was it. If you died at this very moment, you would have died a happy and content person. This was everything you needed, everything you longed for, what you spent many nights crying yourself to sleep for.

“Erwin, I knew you were still here.”, you breathed,

“Where else would I go? I’m right here, always by your side.”

“I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, love.”

It had been hours since the evening ended. The mess hall was squeaky clean; giving no indication of the affair that had just occurred there. The hallways sat deserted; with everyone having crashed after a night of delectable food and bittersweet intoxication. The door to Erwin’s office slowly creaked open. Sterling eyes peeked in and analyzed what lay within.

Faint rays of light from the lamps in the hallway dimly illuminated the space where the captain had spent a multitude of hours working with his commander. Everything inside looked untouched, stagnant almost. His eyes widened when they fell on the figure that had wilted into his comrade’s chair, faint sounds of rhythmic breaths filling the quiet, cold air. It was not unusual for Erwin to snooze at his desk, but this time he had been replaced by his other half.

The crescent moon shone like a silver claw in the sky, casting deep shadows on your features. A surge of guilt and pity washed over Levi as he watched you sleep, figuratively enveloped in the warmth of your husband’s embrace, incoherent mumbles escaping your lips. That cloak could have been an actual human, and the frown on your face would instead be a content smile if he had done things differently.

‘That cannot possibly be comfortable.’, he thought, running his gaze over your form.

He was roused from his reverie by the creaking of the chair you were settled on when you shuffled. Frozen in place, eyes wide, breathing paused, he was ready to be told off for being here without permission. But you only nuzzled your face further into the deep green cloak and fell right back to sleep.

Levi was a man on a mission. He needed to get to that drawer. But you were in his way. He was going to have to risk it – he had no other choice. He creeped towards you with nimble steps. His heart took another dagger at the sight of the slender streams of tears on your face that glimmered in the dim radiance of the room. He hesitantly wiped them away, terrified that his actions would wake you up.

With one arm around your waist and the other under your knees, he picked you up at a painfully slow pace to avoid breaking your slumber. As he carried you to the adjoining bedroom, you hummed in your sleep with a smile and laid your head on his chest.

“Erwin, I knew you were still here.”, you breathed.

Your dazed words tugged at the strings of Levi’s heart hard enough to shatter them. He gingerly laid your languid body on the bed and covered it with a blanket, watching you curl into its comfort. With calloused fingers, he tucked away stray stands of hair behind your ears. He could not take his eyes off your face. He deplored the series of events that led to this, his hatred for the beast heightening much further.

He rapidly shook his head. This was not the time to spiral out of control. He had the rest of the night to do that. First, he needed to fulfill the wish of his friend.

You stirred in your sleep when there was a knock at the door.

“Erwin, can you get that, love?”, you sheepishly spoke into the pillow, reaching over to his side of the bed with one arm.

It felt like he was right there, asleep beside you; the warmth from the blanket reminiscent of the cool mornings when you blissfully woke up to his drowsy face, his pointy nose nudging into your cheeks when he routinely kissed you before starting the day.

“Are you up? It's Hange. I brought breakfast!”, the visitor announced from the other side followed by a few more knocks.

You jolted awake, slightly shaken by the few seconds of oblivious comfort in between slumber and consciousness, and watched your hand lay flat on the vacant mattress. Just like the last few days, you had fallen asleep on Erwin’s chair with his cloak wrapped around you. Well, that is what you remembered doing.

But this morning you woke up in your bedroom wrapped snugly in a duvet – a place you had not slept in since Erwin’s passing fearing this very moment. You propped yourself against the headboard and squinted with knitted brows wondering when and how you got there.

“Uh- Coming!”, you stumbled out of bed after another series of knocks. “Hange, you are the commander now. I’m sure you have more important things to do than to bring me breakfast every morning.”

“Nothing beats the few minutes of calm I get to spend with you before beginning my day. You know how stressful work has been!”, they beamed when you finally let them inside.

They placed the platter on the desk and took a seat on one of the visitor chairs while you plopped yourself down on Erwin’s. The loud rumbling of your stomach was a stark reminder that you had not eaten since yesterday’s lunch. Rubbing your hands together, you glossed over the spread. As per usual they brought you a slice of toast, a bowl of porridge, tea, and fruits.

That is when you realized that something was amiss. The desk– it was clear; the dust, the map, the quill, and ink pot were nowhere to be seen. A singular envelope sat on it besides the tray of breakfast. You then surveyed the entire office, and it was spotless. Was someone in here last night?

“Besides, Shorty delayed our meeting this morning because he needed to run errands.”, they added, interrupting your train of thought.

Before you could respond, your eyes fell on the immaculate calligraphy on the envelope in the center of the table. Your heart stopped when you picked it up to get a closer look. Mouth agape, eyes wide, your hands began to tremble upon recognizing the familiar scrawl that he had skillfully perfected in no time after losing his dominant hand. Written on the envelope was a name only one person knew to call you by -

Lady Smith

“Did you do this?”, you hissed; bloodshot eyes firing a death stare at Hange, only to receive a bewildered one in return.

You were not sure why you lashed out at them. They obviously didn’t know of the nickname Erwin affectionately referred to you by behind closed doors. You couldn’t believe what you held before your eyes, your mind desperately trying to make sense out of the situation.

“No, it was here before I placed the tray. What is it?”, they moved from their seat to stand behind you and read the text on the envelope over your shoulder.

“Erwin - “, you croaked. Clearing your throat, you began again, “Erwin used to call me Lady Smith.”

“What? But how... who... is this some cruel joke? I can dispose it off for you. Uh- Unless you want to open it.”, they fumbled, hands firmly placed on your shoulders.

“It looks exactly like his handwriting. I guess I’ll take a look at what's inside.”, You slid a knife under the flap and opened it to find a neatly folded parchment within.

Taking a deep breath, you unfurled it with shaky fingers; tears instantly beginning to shed upon seeing the polished cursive script -

My love,

I do not have much time to write this. You just stormed out of my office after I forbade you from traveling to Shiganshina, and I am sure you will be returning any moment with all guns blazing.

First off, my apologies for alarming you. I know you were not expecting to be reading this in the wildest of your dreams.

I wrote various versions of this letter before every expedition since Wall Maria fell. Fortunately, I was able to come back home each time to discard them. The fact that you are reading this means I was not so lucky this time.

My love, I may have said these words many times before, but I want to repeat them so you can feel just a little better during this solemn time...

Thank you.

Thank you for making my life beautiful, for supporting my dream, for loving me despite my flaws, for saving me from plunging into the bottomless abyss of my duties time and again, for bringing your light into the darkness of my being.

I am infinitely grateful for the day I decided to set aside my adamant beliefs and tell you how I feel. I may have numerous regrets, my love, but I am certain that marrying you is the one thing I did right.

I realize that you must be going through a hard time. Walls know I would be devastated if our positions were reversed. I am sure you are much stronger than I would have been if you were gone, but I know this isn’t easy. So, to soften this struggle, I have something in store for you -

Let's jog your memory, shall we? Do you remember when you attempted to learn Levi’s assault technique? You gave up too soon after a mishap. I want you to begin training again and master it at once.

No, don’t whine!

I am confident that if anyone apart from him can do it, it is you. I believe in you, just like you believed in me.

Just ask Levi for help. If he refuses, make it known that it is my order. He will not be surprised in the slightest to be haunted by his old commander from beyond the grave.

You will receive two more letters from me in the future. Don’t try to find out when or how, because I know you are too smart for your own good. So, just go with it, okay?

I want you to know that wherever I am, I miss you dearly. And I will be with you every step of the way.

I love you, my commandress.

Yours for all of eternity,

Erwin

Inspiration for dream Erwin :')

One | Two

#erwin smith x reader #erwin smith #erwin x reader #commander erwin #erwin angst #levi ackerman x reader #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin #aot fic

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domlovescolson · 3 years ago

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@_colebennett_: the “papercuts” video is finally here. this video concept came from a dream I had a few months ago, when I woke up I wrote it all down immediately. a couple weeks later @machinegunkelly sent me this song and I knew exactly what I needed to do. this is my first rock video and a step into a new world. it was also a fucking honor to work with @travisbarker. I am beyond thankful for everyone involved in bringing this vision to life. directed & edited by me.

#yo this is so crazyy #machine gun kelly #mgk #lyrical lemonade #cole bennett #travis barker #papercuts #colson baker #est19xx #est4life #everyone stand together #mgk updates #updates

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frenchkonnexionmusic · 3 years ago

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#TRAILER exclusif et dernière ligne droite avant la sortie du nouveau single d'ALE[X] : #NousSavons. A paraître sur toutes les plateformes le 20 août prochain ✊🏼💪🏼 Pré-sauvegarde du titre ici : https://backl.ink/147790635 CONCOURS spécial (participation gratuite) toujours en cours, voici le lien Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/p/CSPb0TfssDM/ Abonnez- vous à la chaîne d'ALE[X] :https://www.youtube.com/c/al3ixi/?sub_confirmation=1 Retrouvez ALE[X] sur : Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/al3ixi Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/AL3IXI Twitter : https://www.twitter.com/al3ixi TikTok : https://www.tiktok.com/@al3ixi Odyssee : https://odysee.com/@al3ixi "Conspiracy Social Club" est un nouveau concept dont fait partie ce morceau.Si vous avez des questions ou si vous voulez échanger, vous êtes les bienvenus en commentaires ! Concernant ce trailer 🎞️ : Conception & Moyens Techniques : @lesassociablesfilms Prise de vue & Montage : @jahizp Assistance Technique : @heisenngreg Studio : @xlabstudio Logos : ALE[X] (@al3ixi] #Rap #hiphop #Rapfrancais #rapmusic #rapartist #rapfr #hiphopmusic #hiphopnation #rapindé #rapconscient #al3ixi #frenchkonnexionmusic #ConspiracySocialClub #rapfrance #SethGueko #orelsan #NTM #eminem #Yelawolf #machinegunkelly

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xxkellsvixen19xx · 6 years ago

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Opposites Attract Colson Baker X Reader PT 1

Requested By @ateliefloresdaprimavera

Word Count: 1,838

A/N: Really playing with this concept so a part 2 is coming possibly doing multiple thoughts hmu and let me know guys! Hope you like it 😊

Song Lyrics: Young & Beautiful Lana Del Rey

People say opposites attract, that’s not only true for friends but also lovers. Colson can attest to that, he calls Y/N his lover his soul mate. One man and one woman, polar opposites but always at each other sides, through the good times and the bad.

Colson has been dating you for about 2 years they met at the record release party when his album Bloom came out. Y/N's aesthetic flies in the face of modern sensibilities and embraces the carefree, the relaxed, and the unusual. With him no denying that he was handsome. His blonde hair, strong jaw and crystal blue eyes that seemed to make every girl melt right under his stare. Not to mention the fact that he always walked around in the latest designer clothes, all perfectly styled. He has the sex appeal of a god the tattoos adding to the bad boy mystique.

When they went public with their relationship surprisingly the fans took it well and have been very supportive. The comments on his IG posts showed so much love it is honestly sweet.

@Mystical Dimples: what a perfect couple @machinegunkelly & @YN

@FloatingHeart: Born to love each other!

@GirlOfNeptune: you two are so in love! Congratulations @machinegunkelly & @YN

Casie and you got along great she absolutely loved and adored you. And the two of you often had a girls day out lunch, shopping, it brought a smile to Colson's face knowing that Casie thought the word of you just like he did. The guys they thought of you like family and they were glad to see him so happy finally "It's about damn time!" Slim cheered out when you both broke the news to them. So many whoops of support, high fives, pats on the back and hugs it sort of felt like an episode of Full House. Y/N of course though may have a sweet quiet demeanor but don't let it fool you she loves smoking with Colson and the guys heck sometimes you could out smoke him like the best of them.

"Daddy are you going to ask Y/N to marry you?" Casie asking watching Colson look down at the elegant 7 carat diamond and gold engagement ring. "Yes special girl I am, I honestly believe we are meant to be together and I want to spend the rest of my life with her." Casie clapped and giggled jumping down off the bed bouncing out of the bedroom. "Daddy and Y/N sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g…" Colson couldn't suppress a giggle hearing the phrase echo down the hallway. You were beginning to awaken as you turned to face Colson wrapping and arm around him your other free hand rubbing his bare chest. "My babygirl stirs." He murmured kissing your head. Your eyes opened staring straight into his icy blue ones, it might be first thing in the morning but god he looked sexy. "Morning baby." Colson was going to wait till tonight and pop the big question but he couldn't take it he was to anxious to hold off any longer.

He grabbed your hand in his the ring clasped tightly in his other. "Y/N you have managed to do something I had't thought possible, love again." Placing the delicate engagement ring on your finger he asks "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, Y/N will you marry me?" Smiling you kiss him "Yes" you whispered a few tears of happiness sliding down your cheek. Pulling you tightly to him Colson broke out into a huge smile, "besides I need your sexy ass to keep my wild one in line." Colson couldn't imagine you not in his life, you balanced him out kept him anchored. The sex was absolutely incredible it managed to break out a side of you that drove him wild. There was no doubt in his mind that he had managed to snag the perfect woman and he wouldn't trade that for the world.

**********************************************

The party inside the club was going strong, you, Colson, Slim, Rook and others were in the VIP section. You had this planned in the back of your mind all day, you slipped away undetected by Colson and headed to the stage whispering something to the MC he nodded as he pressed a few buttons as you grabbed a mic.

//I've seen the world, lit it up, as my stage now. Channelling angels in a new age now. Hot summer days, rock and roll and all the way I got to know, your pretty face and electric soul...//

Colson recognized the first few bars of music instantly.

Somehow, as he watched your fingers curl around the mic, he knew you were thinking of him. From how your lips curled into that sly sexy smirk, to the rose of your cheeks, he knew. Colson felt like a voyeur now but found himself loving the buzzing and heavy feeling.

A mind hush took over the once-rowdy crowd as the tune and timbre of your voice matched and melted into the cords perfectly. The ballad poured from you with such emotion and flourish, as though singing in front of a hundred people was the easiest thing in the world for you to do. You clearly didn't need the prompter to know the words, so with your eyes closed you hit every single syllable and carried each note effortlessly. The gentle sway of your hips along with the music was magnetic and memorizing, not only to him but to nearly every other person in the club too.

//Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful? Will you still love me when I've got nothing but my aching soul? I know you will, I know you will, I know that you will...//

With a final smirk, Y/N ended her song and the crowd burst out into a boisterous ovation. Their whole table stood and cheered loudly, joining with the other patrons in their own enthusiastic applause.

You bowed graciously, grabbed your drink from the barstool next to the mic and exited stage right. You then walked towards their table, towards Colson, with a subtle purpose and a sultry look in your eye.

Your gaze landed on Colson's lean frame, sunk casually into the bend of the booth, his leather jacket off, his white button down shirt his tattooed chest on full display. You contemplated jumping him right then and there but realized that no one really needed to see that.

Besides, you could keep your hands to yourself for one night, surely...

A drunk fleeting thought dared question how deliciously torturous it would be to spend all night next to him and not touch or kiss him. You imagined how cathartic it would be when you finally allowed yourself the pleasure. It was almost a challenge made silently unto one's self.

'How long could I really go?'

Because, God, he just looked so goddamn sexy. Colson's cool laid-back demeanour added to his enticing aesthetic, and you wondered, idly, how many others in the club had noticed his effortless allure and charisma.

Pleasantly, his posture straightened as he saw you approach and that wicked side smirk tugged at his knowingly soft lips, making your knees weak.

'I won't last the night.' You thought to yourself.

Your beaming smile was sloppy and your limbs seemed extra loose as you approached, but judging by the empty champagne, shot and highball glasses that scattered the table your swagger was just.

Y/N then slipped into the booth next to Colson, settling in close, really close, a heavy hand falling on to his thigh under the table. She planted a firm kiss to his cheek with a wide grin.

'See? I can't even last 5 seconds...I won't last the night…

As the group chatted loudly about the day's activities, Colson found himself lost within warmth radiating off her, the smell of her perfume and sweet sweat invading his senses. His eyes drifted over her exposed neck, shoulders and ample cleavage. You looked like sin personified in that dress, the fit and cut leaving nothing but filthy desires to cloud his brain as he subtly adjusted himself in his seat.

You were amazing up there, by the way." Colson said.

You spin around to face him fully, the thin strap of your dress shifting down your shoulder with the movement, "Thanks, baby."

Without thought he reached up to put the fabric back in place, cool fingertips gliding over your warm skin. The action warmed you but you tried your best to recover quickly.

'...Girl... Focus up.'

"You had them hook, line and sinker,"

"I'm just a pretty H/C up there in hot pink." You said with a flip of your wrist.

"Yea, you are, with the voice of a fucking angel."

A warm blush crept over your cheeks and chest, "Colson..."

"What? I'm serious."

"They reacted the same to Ashleigh,"

"I doubt that."

"And Kali."

"I doubt that even more."

"It's true!"

"Prove it." He challenged.

"What would you have me sing?" You asked sweetly.

Colson smirked, "Literally anything."

His lowered tone had his desired effect and as the words fell off his tongue a visible shiver rolled over you. You smirked back and sipped at your drink again, your eyes on his through thick blonde lashes.

After singing a few favourites including a cover of 'Chandelier ', then a duet with him to 'Bad Things', followed by a ballad rendition of 'Crazy', nearly consecutively, Y/N flopped back into their booth with a heavy sigh.

"Entertaining is hard work!"

"Yet another amazing performance," Colson topped up your water glass as you settled in, "-You wowed the crowd,"

A realization, if anything, it was a green light to engage in some sort of unspoken game of seducing you,

The thought alone drove him wild.

So, he kept up the silent charade, the rouse serving as an effective aphrodisiac, and was also, clearly, convincing.

"I'm not flirting." He offered gently.

"I know. You're just being your polite and charming shelf." You cooed at him.

A small smile pulled at his lips now, "What should I do?" He asked.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

Turning to face him more, you smirked again and cocked an eyebrow, "Well, that's not true."

As you spoke the hairs on the back of his neck stood up for the second time that night, "Oh?"

"You could find us an excuse to leave, and take me back home." You said with such a deadpan seriousness that he nearly choked on his beer.

"Bail on our engagement party?"

Y/N nodded, eyes dark and suggestive, "Just let me use the ladies room first,"

Colson didn't need to be told twice and agreed quickly as you slid out of the booth. He then stood just as you came out of the bathroom moments to grab your jacket and small purse.

"Ready?" He asked, sweeping his arm out in front of you and towards the doors.

"Very."

#machine gun kelly x reader #machine gun kelly imagine #machine gun kelly #colson baker x reader #colson baker imagine #colson baker #fan fiction

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machinegunkellyxx · 3 years ago

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markseliger Thought you all might enjoy some behind the scenes of our latest project with Machine Gun Kelly for his upcoming album, Mainstream Sellout. Even though we played around with a few higher concepts, these simple photographs that showcase @machinegunkelly's raw, rockstar edge became the cover images.

Take a peek at our process on that day, and the eventual outcome of MGK's exciting next chapter. Enjoy, MS

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barbaraspinozzi · 3 years ago

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#Repost ❤@dolcegabbana❤

•••••••

A new ultra-feminine heroine projected into the hyper-futuristic cyber world; a play on realistic and surrealistic inspirations. The #DGFW22 Women’s Collection brings the #DolceGabbana aesthetic into the Metaverse.

The looks rewrite the concept of sensual style. Jackets, dresses and eco-fur coats feature accentuated shoulders and waistlines that define a futuristic character with 80s allure.

Music by @machinegunkelly

Relive the event at the link in bio.

#dolcegabbana #machine gun kelly

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kideight · 4 years ago

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Tickets to my downfall @machinegunkelly • Unused concept but thought I’d share • KidEight.com . . . . #art #design #graphicdesign #graphics #gfx #graphicdesigner #instaart #singleart #singlecover #c4d #3d #redshift #cinema4d #designer #CoverDesign #MixtapeDesign #Albumart #Coverart #renderzone #3drender #machinegunkelly #mgk #ticketstomydownfall https://www.instagram.com/p/CE4aQbVjJy3/?igshid=1fvmu4s9l3pxa

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big-bad-things · 8 years ago

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The concept #Jauren • • • • • • • @laurenjauregui @justinbieber #justinbieber #laurenjauregui #kidrauhl #beliebers #purpose #camilacabello #camren #camilizers #fifthharmony #harmonizers #taylorswift #normanikordei #allybrooke #dinahjane #machinegunkelly #workfromhome #badthings #thatsmygirl #backtome #shacam #stally #the1975 #laurenizers #lucyvives #727 #ot5 #onedirection #h4rmony

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mgkyungblud · 5 years ago

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Hotel Diablo became a concept album with each song acting as a different door to the soul; don’t be scared to unlock them and come inside. the truth sets us free and the mind is an infinite world. my friend @tillavision captured the metaphor perfectly ... #HOTELDIABLO . . . @machinegunkelly . . . #machinegunkelly #mgk #MGKxxYUNGBLUD #teamMGK #colsonbaker https://www.instagram.com/p/Bz6dsQ6nvPp/?igshid=c0ed9q2sfjk9

#hoteldiablo #machinegunkelly #mgk #mgkxxyungblud #teammgk #colsonbaker

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designcrats-blog · 6 years ago

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BMW self balancing bike concept! Tag your friends ❤️ Credit : @bmw Follow us 👉@designcrats 🏍️ _ #engineering #bike #bikerchick #worldofengineering #metallurgy #howitsdone #mechanicalengineering #electricalengineering #howitsmade #bmw #viral #engineeringporn #mechanical #machinegunkelly #satisfying #machine #Ingenieria #engineeringlife #science #viralvideos #satisfyingvideos #automation #automotive #bikelife #innovations #videooftheday #automatic #futuristic #automobiles #technology https://www.instagram.com/p/BtMHdKVh7DL/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ps5pqjkzndr1

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machinegunbun · 4 years ago

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Do you do think the boys would have a mommy kink? Or Breastfeeding kink?

Honestly? I don’t know, Colson seems like too much of a top for that and part of me feels like Pete’s too vanilla, but at the same time its so plausible?

All Pete’s ever had was his mom and Colson never had a mom, so in a way motherly love probably speaks to Pete pretty well cause it’s what he knows, and same for Colson cause it’s what he never had?

I think either way they’d only reveal that deep into the relationship as it would root from some serious issues and insecurities. I can see them both being down for breastfeeding tho, maybe not in baby mode but just drinking your milk would probably be hot to them. I think Colson would be down to try it.

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ack3rlady · 3 years ago

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In A Perfect World - Part 5

Summary: “And with that, I want to give you this ring that once belonged to my mother, with a promise that that you will never have to face this world alone.” Leaving you a series of letters to cope with his death, Erwin kept the promise he made to you…the implausible promise of forever and beyond. Concept inspired by the novel ‘P.S. I Love you’ by Cecelia Ahern.

Notes: Angst/Comfort, Fluff, Character death, Swearing, Spoilers for S3.

CW: Slight swearing

A/N: Writing this chapter was daunting AF because it wasn't easy being inside the complex mind of Erwin and putting his thoughts into words. I’m hoping I’ve got this at least half right. The book bits are from his POV and written in 1st person.

Word Count: ~7.6k

Four | Five | Six.1

Song Rec - Better Off - Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler

Master List

Tags: @sooibian @red-n-tall @ibimyeon @artistgoudeau @erwinzacharias @machinegunkellies @emmysmith @spiritusdei @maryaeger @devilslover666 @unholymutt @saysuchwonderfulthings @ikeaisagod @erasingonce; anyone who would like to be added/removed, please let me know!

Erwin’s Book

“You dawned upon my life like a bolt of lightning, blinding me with your splendor and invigorating my spirit. I vividly remember that morning like it took place yesterday even though it was almost a decade ago. It was the first day of my second year in the Survey Corps and the day of arrival of the newest cadets. It was the morning of January 12, 835. Miche and I were on our way to the mess hall for breakfast when your figure darted around the corner like a blur and crashed straight into me. You almost toppled over, but my arms reached for you even before my mind could respond.

Years have passed since that day and I still cannot explain the jolt of your touch that overwhelmed every shred of my body. Never had I been left spellbound by someone before. I’ve always been a man of many words, and yet you left me effectually speechless. Did you know that every day I wake up to your beautiful face, I thank the walls for choosing me to be the one you ran into that morning?

Time came to a halt as I was captivated by your shell-shocked face gaping at me in horror. I was unaware that anyone’s eyes could be this expressive. In just a matter of seconds, I saw a whole new world in them, a profound one outside my books and theories that I was nescient to. Your nostrils were flared, mouth agape, but you weren't breathing.

“Breathe.”, I whispered even before I encompassed what I was about to say.

Can you believe that those were my first words to you? Breathe? You quickly collected your spilled papers and took off again at the same hasty pace to barrel through the hallways towards Shadis’ office after cheeping out a quick apology.

I lost track of how long I stared at the spot where you stood mere moments ago wondering if the last thirty seconds really happened, for they felt surreal. That was the first time I saw you, a day that has been deeply engraved into my mind; a day I often revisit to remind myself that miracles do happen. It assures me that this world isn't as dark a place that it leads me to believe; that the bright light that shines over me in your form is proof that one day, everything will be alright.”

Your POV

You woke up with a start, not needing to look outside the window to know that the sun had already begun to rise, for your room was now painted in a mellow orange glow. Shit! You should have been up, preparing for your day long before sunrise. Now, you were obviously late for your appointment with Commander Keith Shadis who was known to be short-tempered. And right on your first day at the Survey Corps, you were about to endure his wrath. You cussed under your breath after spotting Hange still fast asleep on the bunk beside yours with their mouth wide open, a steady stream of drool seeping into their pillow having left a dark damp spot on the fabric.

“Damn it, Hange! I told you to wake me up!”, you hissed, throwing your pillow at them.

Instead of opening their eyes, they hugged it close to their chest before rolling over, mumbling something incoherent. Getting a decent response out of them while they were half asleep was futile. Well, you couldn’t blame them. The pair of you had stayed up late preparing for your appointments with Commander Shadis before your training was scheduled to begin after Captain Satō recommended you for positions on the research team.

During the years spent at the Training Corps, Hange had extensively studied titans, and your interests lied in the ODM gear. The captain was highly impressed with your knowledge and personally arranged for you to meet with Shadis on your first day here. Muttering your pitch in a hushed tone, you hastily got changed, collected your papers, and rushed out the door, sprinting towards his office situated on the opposite end of the building.

“Walls! Why is this place so fucking huge?” you scoffed, almost losing your footing while turning one of the corners at a breakneck speed.

Someone appeared before you right as you turned. But it was too late to slow down. The wind was knocked out of your lungs when you collided with them, sending your notes flying and tossing you backwards upon impact. You yelped while fruitlessly reaching out for support to hold on to. But before you could hit the ground, two strong arms clasped your shoulders and anchored you in place. When the few moments of initial surprise wore off, your eyes connected with a pair of piercing blue ones looking back at you, a sparkling azure that you had never seen before.

They were an embodiment of the endless sky on a bright, sunny morning; as if holding everything calm and free. You stood frozen, gaping at the blonde man towering over you; his appearance striking, features sharp. Yet his face held a kindness to it. And those eyes; You couldn’t stop looking into them. You felt puny in his presence, unable to catch your breath even after trying repeatedly.

“Breathe.”, he whispered.

How did he know? His friend who was even taller than him was gleefully watching the spectacle with a smirk on his face. Suddenly the realization dawned upon you that you were at the survey corps headquarters, late for your appointment with the commander who was infamously temperamental on your first day. Yet here you were, spending a short eternity staring into the eyes of a handsome stranger. You roughly shook your head to snap out of it, crouched to the floor to collect your spilled notes, and hastily squeaked out an apology before making a run for it.

You turned around to catch a final glimpse of the man, hoping that he’d be looking back too. But he wasn’t. Instead, his friend caught your eye, with that same grin still plastered to his face leading you to quickly look away like a thief caught in the act. Before you knew it, you were standing before a set of dark oak doors, a name-plate engraved with the letters ‘Commander Keith Shadis’ staring down at you. You gulped down the lump in your throat, prayed to whoever was listening and knocked at the door.

The meeting went by in a blink. Although slightly dismayed in the beginning, Shadis was quite receptive to your ideas and impressed by your research. You spent a good portion of the morning in his office, explaining to him how you planned to recondition the shape of the grappling hook to better its gripping efficiency, and how you were trying to create a new alloy that would rust at a much slower rate than the current one, which would substantially reduce equipment-related accidents and the amount of time and effort needed for the gears’ maintenance.

You were ecstatic when Shadis informed you that he would be looking into your placement on the research team. It was known to be one of the most prestigious groups of scholars, and you were so close to contributing to their work. You profusely thanked the commander, careful not to sound unprofessional. Before you left his office, you turned around to apologize for being late one last time, promising it would never happen again.

“There will be no next time, Cadet. If there is, I will personally make sure you are dismissed from the research team.”, he spoke flatly, not even bothering to look up from the papers on his desk. “This meeting would never have happened it wasn’t for the word I gave Captain Satō. If you don’t already know this, I abhor incompetence.”

“I’m s-sorry, sir”, you stuttered, sauntering out of his room.

As soon as the door behind you thumped shut, you slapped your palm on your forehead, aghast at your own irresponsibility. All that hard work for nothing. The blood, sweat, and tears that you put into your research were overshadowed by your tardiness. Sleeping was not what you were here for. You were here to work diligently and discover for yourself that what you read in that book many years ago was true.

You had stumbled upon it six years ago in a forlorn aisle of the library that your mother worked at. It looked much different from the other books around it; tucked at the far end, clad in a dusty, worn black cover, while the others proudly displayed their titles and authors on their spines. The information it contained had blown your mind. A whole world outside the walls? Endless bodies of water and large masses of ice? Your mother was stupefied after you asked her about it, burning it right before your eyes as she tearfully pleaded to you to keep it a secret if you wanted your parents to live.

She begged you to stay mum or else the government would do away with her and your father, just like they had with someone in one of the neighboring towns. He was a teacher at a school. They said that he got into an accident. But you had heard the rumors when you accidentally walked in on a conversation that your parents were having. They had ordered you to your room when you sought answers from them. It was no use. They were too scared to reveal anything. You were going to have to find out on your own.

That’s when you decided to join the Survey Corps to see for yourself what secrets the world truly held. You ran away from home and joined the Cadet Corps when your parents disapproved of your decision, wanting you to choose a domesticated life instead. After toiling endlessly for five years, finally, the time had come when you were close enough to your dream that you could practically smell it. And then, you decided to oversleep.

The loud noise emanating from your stomach that turned a few heads in the corridor towards you was a reminder that you hadn't eaten at all since last night’s dinner. You trudged towards the mess hall, thankful that breakfast was still being served. Maybe Hange would be there, and you could cry on their shoulder about how you almost got kicked out of the regiment on your first day itself. But obviously, the day had no plans of going easy on you as there were no signs of your friend inside.

Erwin’s Book

“I saw you again that morning at the mess hall. You sat alone at one of the tables by the windows biting into a slice of bread with a pungent look on your face and then pushed it down with a large sip of water. Your presence itself was enthralling enough that I was oblivious to the continual chatter of Miche sitting by my side. Your eyes briefly met mine before you quickly looked away, making me chuckle at how visibly your breath caught at that glance. I’ll admit that mine did too. Just the way it did earlier that morning.

The stars had perfectly aligned for us because Hange appeared at your table at the very next moment chatting away about something I couldn’t pay attention to since Miche had chanced upon our exchange as well and was badgering me about it. I had been acquainted with them earlier that morning by captain Satō as one of his finest new cadets and spent some time with the two. They had told me about their childhood friend joining the corps along with them, who I then recognized as you.

Miche’s buffoonery finally stopped the moment Hange's voice was not distant anymore, but coming from just a few feet away as they stood by our table with you next to them. You awkwardly smiled when they introduced you to us and took a seat opposite to me. You apologized once again for bumping into me earlier. I said it was okay, but how was I supposed to admit that I was rather grateful that you did? Conversations slowly went back to normal, but all I wondered was whether you could hear my pounding heart threatening to break out of my chest from where you sat.

How could anyone be this beautiful? I couldn’t imagine how a delicate flower like you landed in the Survey Corps which was infamous for being a death sentence. I presumed that the answer to that question was unsatisfactory grades until Hange revealed that you stood second in your division. And aptly so, because after spending less than an hour with you, I could already tell how erudite you were. One of the very few people I met apart from Hange who possessed wisdom on what was never made to be a part of our educational curriculum; knowledge that most in the regiment lacked.

That same afternoon, I had the honor of witnessing you floor Ness, Hange, and myself during a hand-to-hand combat session. I watched in awe as you effortlessly slammed Hange to the ground, and were able to turn Ness into a panting pile of muscles and bones without breaking a sweat. I remember how close your face was to mine when you had me pinned down; how your breath tickled my skin. That cheeky smile you flashed right before letting me go is still clear before my eyes.

Funnily enough, it wasn’t the end of our happenstance for that day. Most cadets who I encountered during the year I spent at the headquarters followed the rigid curfew regulations. Those who didn’t usually head to the roof or into the forest. I found myself to be the only one spending nights at the library, sneaking in through the window to read and eventually fall asleep in a dark corner at the farthest end until the sun came up and it was time to return.

But that night, I happened upon someone already occupying my spot, a candle illuminating the shadows to reveal your face. You looked like you had been sculpted out of pure gold in the yellow luminescence of the flame, your eyes glued to a thickset novel with a small pile of other books stacked by your feet. Suddenly, I was awfully aware of the flood of relief that washed over me when I saw you nestled into that corner; as if I was wishing that you would be here without even realizing it.

You were briefly startled when I moved closer, but that familiar smile of yours that I had already witnessed many times over that day eventually grew on your face and you shifted to make space for me to sit down. You came prepared with a canteen full of warm tea, a napkin with leftover bread from dinner to snack on, and a blanket that you slid over my legs as soon as I settled beside you saying that the stone was too cold. I only hoped that the rosy hue on my cheeks was not bright enough for you to notice in the dim light.

I don’t remember getting any reading done that night. All I could think of was how soothing the fragrance of your hair was, how your nose crinkled when you smiled and how you always bit your lower lip when you were deeply engrossed in the pages. The memory of that night is imprinted on my mind like a picturesque painting as we chatted about everything within these walls and outside. That brief ganger into your insightful mind was enough for me to rest assured that our conversations would continue on for a long, long time to come.

Sometime into the night, my heart came to a standstill when I felt a gentle weight on my shoulder. I slowly turned to find that you had drifted off to sleep mid-sentence after an onerous and eventful first day. The sound of your rhythmic breaths filled that corner, our corner, with a sweet melody. The books were left abandoned for the rest of the night while I admired your face in the silvery glow of the moonlight after the candle had melted away.

The concept of ‘love at first sight’ was insignificant to me. In fact, the term ‘love’ wasn’t a part of my life at all. I couldn’t recognize what it meant for my heart to skip a beat when I first laid my eyes on you, or for my stomach to tie itself into a knot when I heard your voice, or when my mind was clouded with thoughts of you whether you were around or not. I did not realize it back then but, love, I do know now; that the first time I met you, I fell deeply in love with you. And can you blame me? Who wouldn’t?

That day made way for many similar ones, and spending each of them with you was an occurrence that I would look forward to every waking moment. We spent our days together in training where you amazed me with your strength and vigor every single time. That crazed look in your eyes that you get when you fight, is still the same all these years later. I remember when Miche once admitted to me that he had nightmares about it.

Evenings would be devoted to our research; with you working on your new ODM designs, Hange on their titan research, and me on my formation plans. On hindsight, I quite miss those days when our lives were so simple that the biggest challenge that we faced was meeting our paperwork deadlines. Those few hours would be filled with lively conversations, brainstorming, devising new strategies; a part of my day I cherished.

But what I yearned for the most was nighttime when I’d finally get to see you. Even though I spent a good part of my day in your company, this was different. This was the time when I would witness the real you, one that not many had the pleasure to experience. Your hair would be loose and free, your uniform replaced by an airy nightgown, your face devoid of the stern expression you wore all day. At nights I would meet the cheery woman who effortlessly enchanted all of me.

Frequenting the library with you after hours had become quite the routine. My heart fluttered at the sound of your hushed giggles every time we successfully sneaked in and out of there. The hours spent there with you were the brightest highlight of my days. Endless whispered conversations led us to get to know each other in-depth. The night when you told me about your findings from that book was when I gathered the courage to tell you about my father. You were now the only one who knew about him apart from Eve and Nile. And I wondered what it was about you that made me want to tell you my deepest secrets.

You were not very different from me. You too were plagued by the secrets that were being kept by the government from its citizens. You also desired to uncover what really stood outside the walls. I felt closer to you than I did to anybody else as if there was finally someone who understood me, understood my dream. I kept many things about myself from others. But with you, I never felt the need to. I could be as transparent as clear water and rest assured that you would still be there for me.

I’d unknowingly search for your face in every room I entered. I’d look for your warmth on those cold nights spent reading in the library. I’d crave the sound of your voice to be the first and the last one I heard every day. In a short span, you had become a custom; a significant part of my life. And in a month’s time, we were ready to embark on our next expedition, your very first one.

It would have been a better decision to get ample sleep before it was time to leave for Shiganshina, but sleep was not what I needed. What I longed for was the solace, I only found in your company. Just like every night, I sneaked into the library through the window, hoping that you’d be there too. I breathed a sigh of relief when I came upon you at the same spot, our corner as you playfully referred to it as, with your head resting against the wall and eyes pinned to a particular spot on the vaulted ceiling.

The crescent moon shone through the clear glass and engulfed you in eerie grey shadows. The candle that always cast a stunning glow over your features was absent, and so was the stack of books that sat by your feet. I lowered myself to the ground by your side, and even though you seemed distracted, you were quick to share your blanket with me like every night, pulling it over my legs. The usual butterflies in our stomachs were replaced by unpleasant nausea, the hushed chitchat was cut out by haunting silence. There was no need for words for your feelings to strike me like a knife to my chest.

You finally turned to face me; your eyes wide and swimming with unshed tears and unanswered questions. You put up a brave front before the others, often going as far as consoling a few of your comrades who were terrified of leaving the walls to face titans. But in that moment, I could see in your eyes that all you had let your walls crumble, and the masquerade you put on was discarded. You let yourself be vulnerable before me, your pained gaze begging for ruth. My eloquence was in vain as I too speechlessly stared back at you, not knowing what to say to give you even a sprinkling of courage. How was I supposed to strengthen you when I myself was bursting at the seams, about to fall apart at your sight?

I looked into your eyes for what seemed like forever, hoping to memorize every feature of your beautiful face to create a mental portrait of you in case this world was brutal enough to rip you away from me as it had done with others I loved. I could see that you had already been crying; your eyes puffy, nose red, your hair disheveled from the number of times you had run your hands through them. My hand instinctively reached out to wipe away a lone tear that had managed to escape your orbs, freezing when you delicately clasped it, intertwining your fingers with mine.

You finally broke the persistent lull by asking me what would happen if we didn’t return from the expedition tomorrow. Instead of coming up with an answer, my mind went astray with morbid thoughts of the probability of it happening. What if one of us didn’t make it? What if neither of us did? What if I didn’t get a chance to tell you how I felt? That every moment without you was incomplete as if I was only existing and not living? What if I didn't get a chance to express to you came into my disarrayed life like a cyclone, only to put everything back in place? That if one of us had to die first, I hoped it was me? What if I could never tell you that even though I knew you for a little over a month, that I loved you deeply enough to last us for a lifetime?

I knew better than to make promises I may not be able to keep. But in that moment, if I was sure of anything, it was that I would never let harm come your way. I promised to never let anyone or anything hurt you.

As if cognizant of the storm brewing inside my mind, you decided to put an end to it. You moved closer, bringing your face just inches away from mine, allowing me to see the reflection moon outside in the form of minuscule specs in your glistening eyes. You tilted your face to the right, your eyes glued to my lips and mine to yours. Emptying my head of all doubt, I closed the gap by meeting you halfway, our lips fusing together like pieces of a puzzle.

It was hard for me to believe at first, that someone who was so ferocious out on the training grounds could be so gentle. It warmed my heart to know that you reserved this side of yourself just for me. I could taste the lingering remnants of the ginger tea you had at dinner earlier. I felt your hands in my hair, pulling me closer to yourself, your nails raking soothing patterns on my scalp. I too reeled you as close to me as I could, as if I were a hapless insect drowning in deep, tumultuous water and you were the floating leaf that I needed to hold on to for dear life.

I hungrily tasted you, wishing with every shred of my being that this wouldn’t be the last time we experienced this proximity; embracing you firmly enough that it was impossible to know where I ended and you began. Each passing moment of your touch blew a new life into my rapidly weakening body, every second reinforcing the newfound reason why I needed to return home, and why I needed to bring you back with me. I clearly remember the feeling of your breath fanning over my face, and the warmth of your tears on my skin, as they dropped onto my cheeks after flowing out of your eyes.

I wished to admit to you that I was scared too, just like you. But I needed to be strong for both our sake.

You broke away and leaned back to gaze at me with gleaming eyes. In the moment that you pressed your lips to my forehead, I felt like the most cherished human who lived, a feeling that I was alien to. For the first-ever time, you reminded me that I was more than a an orphan or a soldier, that I was just a man, a mere mortal with a heart that was allowed to feel emotions. You tucked your head into the crook of my neck, your silent sobs resonating through my chest. I held you close and you held me tight. We stayed in our corner, melting into a long embrace, neither of us willing to let go; hoping for time to stop and tomorrow to never arrive.

I didn’t realize when I fell asleep. I was alone when I woke up, still wrapped in the warmth of your blanket. The tinge of orange swirling with the deep inky hues of the sky was an indication of the rising sun and the approaching expedition. I had been on a few before, and they had been far from successful; which was exactly why I was questioning the decisions I made over the last few weeks as we stood in formation in front of Wall Maria’s gate. Instead of focusing on the mammoth mission awaiting us, I found my eyes pinned to the back of your head. You looked back at me and smiled a faint smile that clearly divulged the fear you felt in that moment, a smile I couldn’t get myself to return.

You were about to ride alongside squad leader Douglas; his squad entirely consisting of fresh cadets because the previous one was wiped out the last time we ventured outside the walls. Nobody blamed him. He was responsible for one of the most perilous tasks of the survey corps – offense. He was a capable leader, with strong offense expertise from his many years of service. And that’s why Commander Shadis had him and his squad always positioned in one of the most unsafe locations of the already dismal formation. And with your own aptitude in offensive combat, you found yourself right in the middle of his flank.

There was a reason why Miche was the only man I considered my friend; the only one I cared enough to form a bond with. Because many people I knew were already dead, devoured by titans only to be spit back up as if their sacrifice meant nothing. The thought that you might meet the same fate today was burning my chest like acidic upchuck as I wondered why I let myself get attached to you. Maybe this was the last time we were seeing each other. Maybe I’d be forced to return home without you. Maybe I wouldn’t return at all.

I questioned whether your heart would ache if I died. Because mine would shatter into a million pieces if harm came your way. During the short period, I knew you for, you had become a vital part of my life. The need to assure your safety plagued my mind for every moment that we were out there, and I was prepared to die if it meant that you would live to see the next sunrise.

A few hours into the expedition, I came dreadfully close to realizing my worst fear when a horde of titans ambushed your squad out of nowhere. Without thinking twice, I abandoned my own comrades and charged towards where you were, ignoring their calls coming from behind me. The hunger to cut the titans’ napes to pieces was so blinding that I failed to notice one of the giants only a few feet away from me.

The next thing I remember was the shooting pain at the back of my head after I was plucked out of the air by a giant arm gripping my ODM wires, and thrown to the floor. I heard multiple voices scream my name, distinctly identifying yours as one of them. Against the harsh rays of the sun burning my eyes, I recognized your silhouette hovering over me at a distance. You had come rushing to my aid, fearlessly slaying that titan before it could annihilate me and earning yourself your first solo kill. Yet again, I was speechless as you collected my almost limp body off the ground and carried me to safety up a tree.

I should have been grateful, and believe me, I was. But the gratitude was lost amidst the storm of the guilt of losing focus and having put myself in jeopardy for someone else. For setting aside a lifetime of ambitions for a woman who I met only a month ago. I cursed myself for swaying away from my goal so easily. A goal that had driven me away from my family; the one I hoped would bring justice to my father. I blamed myself for abandoning my aspirations and falling prey to my emotions.

I was allowed to go home to recover after returning from that horrendous expedition. I left for Kasol before the sun had risen in an effort to avoid encountering anyone; especially you. How was I supposed to tell you that I wanted nothing to do with you right after you revealed your most vulnerable side to me? That I was selfishly choosing my own ambitions over your heart? I felt dirty as if I took advantage of you. But I knew that my love for you was true; I just couldn’t commit to the luxuries of a relationship. Not when the monsters who devastated my family were still roaming freely.

I was visiting home for the first time after six years. Eve wasn’t very pleased at first, but acquiesced eventually. We both knew about the veil of mystery and lies that surrounded our father’s death, and she supported me in my quest to unearth the truth about why our innocent family had to endure hell. At home I spent a good amount of my time in his library, glazing over the journals he had covertly written. Journals about his theories, that were a reason why he disappeared without a trace.

I was newly reminded of the reasons I made the decision to join the survey corps, to leave my sister, my only living family behind. I was not in the survey corps to find love and lead a domesticated life; that possibility had flown out the window on the day I entered Cadet Corps. I was there for justice, to prove my father right. I repressed my selfish inclinations, my feelings, my need to be with you and promised myself and Eve that I would devote myself to only, and only discover the real reason behind our family being torn apart.

I took an oath that I would not veer away from my path to the truth. I wouldn’t let anyone or anything come in between me and what my father didn’t live to find. I had been through this once before, with Marie, and I could face it again. There was no place in my heart or my life for these feelings, for you. I was determined that I didn’t need you or your companionship. That I didn’t need any more interference in my path than there already were. The fact that I was about to break your heart was eating at me. Your sorrowful face from the night before the expedition haunted my thoughts. But the pain was inevitable.

I vowed to never speak with you again; yet here I am, writing this book about my undying love for you.”

Your POV

The expedition had been a blur, with many injured and many others gone forever. You were grateful to your mind for instinctively blocking out most of the frightening memories associated with the ordeal. With many of your comrades suffering from frequent nightmares, you were no different; being reminded every night about how close you came to losing Erwin. The torment left you sleepless but you were thankful to be present at the right place at the right time, being able to bring him back home safely. Every night that you jolted awake drenched in a cold sweat, you wished you could spend time with him like you did before he left.

Erwin had swiftly gone from being a stranger to a friend and now, maybe more. Nobody was permitted to meet him at the infirmary on the day of your return, and you found out that he had left for Kasol hours after his departure, never getting an opportunity to speak with him about the night before the expedition. And only seeing him hale and hearty in front of you was going to suppress this anxiety.

After spending nights in misery, you eagerly awaited his return during the day; excited in anticipation for what was in store for the two of you. Erwin had mixed into your life harmoniously, like tea and milk. Since you had arrived at the headquarters, you had spent each day with him. He had become your oasis in this hellscape of a life that you were destined to live and every day that you had to spend in his absence dragged on endlessly.

Hange and Miche were ceaseless with their pestering you about Erwin, now teasingly referring to him as your lover, as you sat at the table for lunch. You smacked Hange's shoulder to shut them up but were unable to hide the blush on your cheeks, spurring the two on even further. How you missed him and wished he was here. A single one of his retorts would have shut them both up. The day wasn’t too far, for Miche had just informed you that Erwin was scheduled to return tomorrow.

You woke up at the crack of dawn with a glow on your face almost threatening to outshine the rising sun. It had been a week since Erwin had been away, and today was the day he would finally return. Seven days. These were seven days spent constantly thinking of him and how everything was about to change once he’d be here. As uprooted as you felt during the time that he was gone, you were elated about seeing him again. Your life would finally go back to normal again. A new normal.

Hange was busy in the lab with their research team, so it was only going to be Miche and you welcoming Erwin back to the headquarters today. You rushed to the wardrobe to fish out the antique quill you purchased when you went to Trost market on your day off, before making your way to the stables where you and Miche would wait for him to arrive. Your feet sped up involuntarily when you spotted a white stallion by the entrance much earlier than expected, your breath hitching with the realization that he was here already.

You came to a halt a few feet away from where he stood, heavily panting, but with your lips spread into a wide smile. Miche wiggled his brows at you, excited about witnessing the much-awaited union. Your eyes met Erwin’s deep blue ones when he turned around at the sound. The two were unloading the luggage off his horse.

Erwin’s features briefly softened, giving away the skip in his heartbeat, only to harden back up into a grimace. He bit his tongue, silently chiding himself for wanting to run to you and pull you into his arms. Instead, he swiftly averted his gaze, pretending as if his heart didn’t shatter with the guilt of what he was about to do. You were blinded enough with elation that you were oblivious to your joy not being reciprocated by the blonde man.

You gingerly walked towards him, about to hold forth the present you wanted to give him when he abruptly picked up a bag and began towards the boys’ dormitory. Miche looked as puzzled as you, the cheeky grin from his face vanishing. The two of you were gaping at his receding figure before he turned only to look back at Miche.

“Let's go, Miche. I’m tired.”, he said, not sparing even a glance in your direction.

The words flew at your heart like a sharp dagger and ripped it to pieces. Your eyes stung while your lungs refused to take in any air. Miche looked at you and nodded, a quiet assurance to find out the cause of his behavior. He ambled after Erwin, grabbing the rest of the luggage off the ground and scanning you one last time. You looked down at your trembling hands holding the quill that you had giddily wrapped in brown parchment and tied with a delicate thread.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. This is not how you planned for this day to go. You should have been happy, and content in his company; not standing alone in the stables with a rejected gift in your hands and a broken heart in your chest. Erwin’s name, which you had written with so much care on a little card that you tucked into the thread, smudged when droplets of your tears rained on it.

You bore to him the most delicate side of yourself, trusting that he would cherish it, keep it safe. Never had you let anybody this close to yourself, too afraid that they would hurt you, reject you, walk away; exactly the way Erwin just did. But what could be the reason behind it? How did things change for the worse within a week. How did the invisible bond that you built with him, the one that you were sure was destined to last forever, shatter like it was nothing? How did he forget the promise he made to never let anyone hurt you? How did Erwin himself become the one who did?

You flung the parcel to the floor, rushing back to your dorm room in tears, grateful that none of your roommates were around to witness you falling apart. You curled into the nook beside your bed, rocking yourself as you wept. Why was it that even through the pain that he himself ruthlessly inflicted on you, he was your only hope for comfort? Why was he the only one who could rid you of the agony he caused? You beat yourself up for even thinking these thoughts. Did you really think lowly enough of yourself that all you needed was to run back into his arms?

You were startled when a pair of hands rested on your shoulder, eventually wrapping themselves around your body. You could recognize Hange’s touch anywhere, for they had held you so on many nights when you felt hopeless. “Miche told me. I came here as soon as I could.”, they swayed with you, patiently waiting for you to let it all out as their fingers caressed your head. It hadn't been long since they had spent the night giggling away when you told them about your kiss.

They too were shocked that the otherwise rational Erwin could do this. But to see you collapsed on the floor in a heap, weeping inconsolably over a man, made their heart heavy. “I’m letting you cry now. But if I catch you shedding a single tear over him again, I swear on the walls, I will have no problem going to prison for Erwin’s murder.”, they said, finally peeling your head off their chest to look into your eyes.

You saw him a few more times throughout the next few days, exchanging empty glances devoid of the ardor that used to lace them not too long ago. The tree under which the four of you generally sat down to chat in between sparring sessions now stood deserted, with Miche and Erwin standing at the opposite edge of the training grounds from you and Hange careful not to cross paths. Miche spent a few minutes checking up on you during meal hours after you returned to sit at your old table by the window with Hange. Days that used to be filled with hearty conversations were now only clouded by awkward small talk.

Nights were the most difficult. Sneaking away to the library was now an old habit left abandoned. You knew better than to go back there only to be greeted by a dark, desolate corner. So, you lay in bed, staring at the base of the bunk above yours, reading the names of people who occupied your spot before you, etched into the wood. The lamps were finally extinguished and quiet huffs of breath of your weary roommates slowly began to fill in the silence. You turned towards Hange, who was also out cold.

You let out a muted chuckle upon noticing that they had fallen asleep with their glasses on again. Getting out of bed and tip-toeing towards theirs, you gingerly pulled the spectacles off their face and gave their head a soft peck before turning to place it on the nightstand. You gazed outside the window above it, breathing a long, suffering sigh while looking out at the moon. Just when you were about to go back to bed, you noticed something across the courtyard.

One of the windows to what you knew was the library was open, and a faint orange light emanated from inside. Your mouth went dry and your heart was thumping loud enough to be heard all the way there. He still visited even after you stopped? You had no idea when or how, but the next thing you remembered was standing in front of a figure, sitting on the floor and leaning against the stone wall. The small candle cast a mellow glow to reveal Erwin’s face, his head resting against the stone with his eyes closed.

You took a step closer, the sound of which roused him, bringing his attention to you. He stood up, taking a few steps towards the window where he came in from, which you reciprocated by moving swiftly to block his way.

“Don’t you respect me enough to tell me why you're ignoring me, Erwin? Even after everything we’ve been through?”

His head lowered; eyes unable to meet yours. “I can’t do this.”, he breathed.

“What?”

“I - I can't be with you. This is not what I'm here for. You know what I have suffered through. You know about my dreams. I need to find the truth. There is no place in my life for a relationship, or for you. Just for a moment, I believed otherwise. But the expedition reminded me of my true purpose. I’m sorry for everything, but I can’t give you the love you deserve.”

Still trying to decipher what he just said, you gaped at him, unable to respond. Hange was right. You should've stayed put and gone to bed. They knew you better than you yourself did. They knew that you’d end up in the dumps once again if you walked down this path. They had warned you not to seek Erwin out. But your hunger for closure brought you here. And now, you stood in front of the man you thought was going to be your companion for life, feeling worthless after he outright rejected you. Again.

You wordlessly turned to the window to leave, before Erwin’s trembling voice called out to you from behind. You couldn't get yourself to turn around, too afraid that the resolve that took all your strength to build would crumble if you were faced with his fragility.

“I wish things were different. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”, he said, unable to suppress a stray sob.

“And yet, you did.”

Four | Five | Six.1 Master List

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