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everythingsinred · 2 years ago

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Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 10)

I know it's been a while. I've been a little emotionally and physically drained these days. I've been frustrated with myself for not posting. I need this essay to keep up a sense of structure in my void of a life and I've been neglecting it, which is UNACCEPTABLE!

Anyway, we left off with the beginning of the Z Arc. Natsume has been ignoring Mikan and when she finally gathered the courage to confront him about it, he told her he hated everything about her. Today, we will discuss the aftermath of that confrontation. We will also explore Mikan's smiling complex and her story-long desire to become stronger and "useful."

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Chapter Thirty-One

Natsume starts to run first. Mikan and Ruka only follow as an afterthought, but they’re all quickly stopped in their tracks by Hotaru, riding on a goose-invention, who invites Mikan to hop on. This is personal for her: they’re gonna confront the people who stole Yuu’s alice. There’s a moment where the teachers are calling after them, where Yuu protests that they’re supposed to stay inside, and where Natsume stares in shock at this development.

Mikan focuses on him, remembering the cruel thing he just said to her. Though Hotaru’s arrival cheered her up, she’s obviously still hurt by what he said. So instead of listening to Yuu or the teachers, both Hotaru and Mikan basically tell them all to fuck off.

He thinks he can just be mean and get away with it? No way!

This moment is Mikan’s chance to actually respond to what he said in a meaningful way. She and Hotaru can abscond from the scene, leaving him in their dust, and it’s the best chance she has to communicate how he made her feel. She still doesn’t hate him back, and it still hurts, but hey! He wanted to run after the Z intruders and she actually gets to! Beat that, jerk!

The rest of this chapter is mainly about Hotaru and Mikan. As they fly away, Mikan exclaims that she already feels so much better (presumably after having her feelings crushed by Natsume earlier), and Hotaru explains that the announcement about an “invader” is just a rumor; in fact, a Z member is being escorted onto campus. What she doesn’t know is that two other Z members have invaded campus to retrieve him.

Mikan tells Hotaru she’s happy that Hotaru is the one most concerned about Yuu, that the girl who is always cool and collected is breaking the rules and acting boldly for a friend. Hotaru explains that Yuu is the “oasis” of Class B, one of the people who keeps her human. We saw before that she was concerned she’d become like her older brother, become twisted and cold because of the nature of the school. We also know that Hotaru was relieved, not just by Mikan’s friendship, but by Yuu’s as well. The trio keeps each other in line. I’d mentioned before that antics like the dodgeball game (and getting Class B to get along in general) work because all three of them are involved. Mikan might be the outgoing one, but Yuu has been working desperately to have Class B come together for years. He’s kind too, and reasonable, always prioritizing peace and friendship. Hotaru makes a good point that his absence would create a gaping hole in the class. Mikan might have helped get them all together, but losing a peacemaker would no doubt spur conflict in the class again.

Hotaru recalls a moment when Yuu told her that all the kids here are separated from their families. Even if they don’t say it aloud, they’re all scared and lonely. If they get along and become friends, then they won’t have to face this life entirely on their own. Mikan is naive; she still thinks of this place as a wacky school with a few unfair rules. Yuu, who has been a student here for almost his whole life, understands that there’s corruption and unfairness. He doesn’t just want to make friends, he wants to make sure that the students in his class--all of whom are suffering in the same ways--can support each other and become stronger as a result.

They will always be a trio to me.

The fact that the trio of Yuu, Mikan, and Hotaru stops being as central after this arc makes some amount of sense since Mikan gets closer to other classmates, but it also makes me sad. They’re a trio that perfectly balance each other: Hotaru may be cold, but she knows when to dish out unpleasant truths and is logical when the other two aren’t; Mikan may be loud and annoying, but she keeps things positive and friendly; Yuu may be shy, but he keeps the peace and does his best to mediate conflicts. They get along really well, and it’s their combined efforts that brought unity to Class B. Hotaru loves Yuu and doesn’t want to lose him. Mikan also loves Yuu, and seeing that Hotaru also cares so unabashedly reminds her why she loves Hotaru too.

Hotaru is cold and calculating, an enterprising and apathetic inventor with a capitalistic mindset. Mikan doesn’t focus on those traits, though, even though they seem to be the most obvious parts of her. There’s also a hidden kindness and appreciation for the people she loves. There’s ingenuity and creativity. Mikan isn’t a masochist (I’ll say this a thousand times) because the coldness isn’t what draws her to Hotaru; it’s the parts Hotaru would rather keep under wraps. That’s why we see Mikan gushing about Hotaru the most when Hotaru does something clever, shows off her accomplishments, and (most of all) when she does something kind.

Mikan, being an optimist, is someone who focuses on the bright sides of people after she’s been shown them. After she met the “real” Ruka, the act he tried putting on didn’t faze her at all; she already knew who he really was inside. Once she realized what kind of person Sumire could be, she was able to tolerate Sumire’s bad qualities better. Once she saw that Natsume was capable of kindness, she couldn’t hate him anymore. The goodness of people is what stands out to her, which is why when she sees that there’s good traits in somebody, it’s hard for her to stop seeing them.

Which is why even now, she still likes Natsume. He hurt her, and he has very obvious bad traits, but because she’s seen the good ones, that’s what stands out to her. That’s why she’ll still like him going forward even if he never actually apologizes for what he’s said.

And she’s happy to see Hotaru be so open with her, to finally say out loud all the things Mikan already knew. Mikan is touched, especially to be included among the people Hotaru likes, and gets even more excited about saving Yuu’s alice.

One chapter, Natsume closes himself off, crushing her. The next, Hotaru opens up, and Mikan is incredibly happy as a result.

But things go sideways very quickly: Hotaru is hearing commotion on her spying headphones, so she calls off their plan. They’re going to head back.They start to leave, but they’re encountered by the Z members, including the one who’d previously been captured by the academy. Hotaru freezes, but Mikan points out that she can see some teachers who might be able to help, bringing attention back to them.

Family reunion!

(Hotaru called her “Mikan,” which is why Yuka pays attention, because of course she knows that name, and which is why she approaches her. Yuka, who did everything in her power to make sure her daughter had a safe life away from the academy, has just discovered that Mikan somehow ended up at Alice Academy anyway. It’s only natural she would step closer.)

The woman reaches for Mikan, a Z member spots a security guard behind the kids, and Hotaru takes a bullet for Mikan.

I don't know how long the list is, but add another trauma!

It happens so quickly that it takes Mikan a moment to understand what has even happened, but it’s safe to say that when she processes that Hotaru has been shot, she is no longer over-the-moon happy.

Chapter Thirty-Two

When we see Mikan again, she looks unlike anything we’ve ever seen from her: she’s in a state of shock, frozen from witnessing her best friend take a bullet for her. Mikan is usually good at smiling and staying upbeat, but as I had pointed out at the beginning of this essay, she quickly starts experiencing traumatic events in rapid succession. She may be the most childish and cheerful girl around, but even she has her limits.

Poor Mikan :(

So she doesn’t chat with the others when they come by, she doesn’t light up. She just calls out for Hotaru when she comes out of surgery. But even when the kids are allowed a few minutes with Hotaru before she’s put in an isolated room, Mikan doesn’t say much. She just stares, gloomy and dark, very much unlike her. She is blaming herself, aware that the bullet had been meant for her, aware that Hotaru sacrificed herself for her one more time. Hotaru, asleep, calls out for her parents, shocking Mikan even more.

I like picking panels that include Natsume if I can help it.

Subaru coldly tells them to leave, that their presence isn’t helping, and that the virus she got from the bullet might kill her if they don’t find an antidote.

The hospital is full of Hotaru’s fans, and everyone around Mikan is crying. Even though she is obviously shocked, she doesn’t shed any tears or say much of anything. When Tono and Noda come by, she lets Tono pick her up and lets herself be comforted, but she still doesn’t cry or reply to anything that's said. She turns for a moment only when Noda tells Natsume that he’s been summoned for a DA meeting. She watches him leave and they share a look.

I analyzed this look from Natsume’s POV, that giving her a meaningful glance is really all he can offer in her time of need, but it’s also interesting from Mikan’s POV. He told her he hates her, and he obviously doesn’t care about Hotaru, so why is he even here? Why is he giving her a look?

Mikan will continue to be confused by Natsume’s endless back-and-forth behavior for a long time, and this is only one example. If you’ve ever wondered how somebody could not see that Natsume was head-over-heels for her, all it takes is seeing that, from Mikan’s POV, this guy is anything but consistent. One minute he’s hanging out with her at the festival, the next he’s making fun of her, then he’s all soft and saying her name, then he’s ignoring her for weeks, then he’s telling her he straight up hates her, then he’s giving her meaningful looks. It doesn’t make any sense! Natsume has always been a conundrum to her, a puzzle with almost all the pieces missing, and it’s still the case now.

The scene moves on quickly though, because Hotaru has woken up, and she has something to say to Mikan: telling her she’s ugly, to wipe that look off her face, to not worry about her. To smile.

I can see a complex forming fast...

We join Mikan again outside, with Ruka and Yuu catching up with her, and we finally see her say what she’s been thinking out loud. Hotaru doesn’t talk about the things that bother her. Mikan is loud about wanting to see Jii-chan again. She complains about things and makes sure everyone knows what she’s feeling. But Hotaru keeps that to herself. She wasn’t only trying to get the best student award to see Mikan after all; she loves her family too and now that she’s on her death bed, all she wants is to see her parents. Hotaru is cool and confident, usually blank-faced, but she’s still a little girl, and little girls cry out for Mommy and Daddy when they’re hurt. Mikan has never seen that side of her before, and is shocked.

That’s how bad things are, Mikan explains, that Hotaru (who never complains or lets on that she’s in pain) is crying out for her parents. And EVEN WITH THAT, she’s more concerned about Mikan than herself.

Mikan finally breaks down, crying for the first time since Hotaru has been shot, and she feels guilty for it. Hotaru tells her to smile (out of good intentions), to not worry, because she finds strength in Mikan’s positivity. If even Mikan can’t smile, then the situation seems all the more dire. And she wants Mikan to be able to smile, to not be sad. She is worrying for Mikan, but Mikan can only think that she’s messing up somehow by crying, that she’s weak for shedding tears. She wants to be strong, like Hotaru is.

I’ve mentioned this before, in the introductory arc, where Mikan started developing complexes about being useless, about being weak. When she first ran away to the academy, she was trying to be selfless, to sacrifice something, but she ended up (in her own view) putting her friends in danger and inconveniencing everyone. She doesn’t ever recognize her own strength, her own sacrifices that she’s already made. She views strength as eternal smiles and no shed tears, but that’s not what strength is. She berates herself for crying when Hotaru is going through worse, but pain isn’t a competition. Hotaru might be in pain, but so is Mikan. She should cry if she wants to.

Not only is this not right, but also Hotaru being blank-faced isn't what makes her strong. I think Hotaru could probably afford to be a little more upfront about her feelings, sure, but she seems to know when to be serious and when to tease. She thinks of other people, the ones she cares about. She is confident and sure of herself and her abilities. Her lack of tears isn't what makes her strong, in other words. Mikan has her own strength to, but struggles to see it. Additionally, she seems to think she can be as strong and secure and mature as she wants without going through the necessary life experience needed to reach that level. We'll get into that later.

This is further evidence of that complex she will only continue to develop. Just like Natsume has a martyr complex, a trait that seems noble on the surface but is in reality dangerous and unhealthy, Mikan also has a trait like that. Mikan sees herself as useless. The only thing that seems to have value is her smile. People find strength from it, so if that’s all she can bring to the table, then why would she ever let it leave her face?

She’s told (I think by Tono) that she’ll be strong like Hotaru some day--which is kind, but also missing the point a little. Ruka comforts her, hugging her. They are like souls, too. Mikan wants to take on all of Hotaru’s pain as her own. Ruka wants to do the same for Natsume. Mikan doesn’t want to be a burden on Hotaru. Ruka doesn’t want to be a burden on Natsume. Mikan wants to smile for Hotaru, to not cry anymore. Ruka promised Natsume that he wouldn’t smile if Natsume couldn’t smile. So he understands better than anyone what she’s struggling with right now.

And maybe that makes them a little bit of a bad influence on each other (again, they are kids; so I’m not calling anything problematic or toxic because all kids are messes learning how to live). They see their friends suffer and they want to be stronger for them, which is good, but both Ruka and Mikan are selfless to a fault too. They don’t value their own pain as something worth crying over. They make promises they shouldn’t keep (to always smile, to never smile) which will only cause unnecessary guilt in the future.

I love this moment of connection between them.

But they’re also good influences on each other too. They’re able to support each other because they get it. So there’s really nobody better to comfort Mikan now, because every word out of her mouth is something Ruka has thought about Natsume, because he’s been in her position before many times.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Mikan isn’t taken to her dorm like she’s supposed to be; instead they all go to the SA classroom. Tono puts it best: she shouldn’t be alone right now when she needs support. Misaki is most supportive, making her a hot drink and sympathizing with her plight. Mikan is still in tears, still crying over her friend. Tono muses about a tunnel in the senior division that might lead to a wormhole (in other words, a possible key to saving Hotaru and getting Yuu’s alice back). Mikan clings to this hope, suddenly cheered up with the idea that there’s something she can do to help Hotaru.

Tono tries to backtrack, but when Mikan starts crying over the fact that he would like in her time of need, he finds he can’t. Her classmates come in too, and the issue of this tunnel is suddenly the subject of debate. They argue back and forth on how reckless the idea is, but Mikan holds firm: she and Hotaru promised that they’d save Yuu’s alice, and Hotaru is in trouble now, so she wants to do something to help. Mikan, who always feels useless, wants to prove herself. She wants to be strong like Hotaru. So far, Hotaru has been the one breaking the rules to help Yuu (controlling Narumi, ditching the teachers, etc.), something Mikan admired. Now it’s her turn to break the rules and save the day.

Ruka can connect to Mikan's speech because he's been there, but there's a sentiment that also connects Mikan to Natsume in his eyes as well. With that in mind, he has to support her.

And Ruka is touched by her speech, because he’s always felt that way about Natsume, so it makes sense that he’d be the first person to volunteer to help her. Mikan is moved, because support means her plan might make sense to somebody other than her. But then Natsume volunteers too, and that’s entirely out of left field.

Natsume, who is always cynical and jaded, who seems to think that everything is stupid or a bad idea, is on her side. Remember that the last thing he told her was that he hates everything about her, that he wants her to stay away. Here he is now, volunteering to spend more time with her, saying that he prefers her plan to sitting around and doing nothing. WISHY WASHY MESS.

Mikan's like "????????"

Mikan is understandably surprised, and they share one more look. Sure, he’s not smiling. Sure, there’s no apology or sweet words. But he’s picking her side and that means something. Even Mikan can tell this means he must not hate everything about her.

So Tono gives in and the plan takes off. The kids are gonna sneak into the high school division to find the tunnel by eating Gulliver candies.

Chapter Thirty-Four

They create substitutes and alibis for their absences going forward and then it’s done. The plan is already in motion, even if Tsubasa is against it.

Mikan is the first to join Tono and Tsubasa after eating the candy, suddenly fifteen! But just because she’s fifteen on the outside doesn’t mean she’s any more mature on the inside. She still doesn’t understand Tono’s perverted comments.

She’s awestruck to see how Natsume and Ruka have changed, though. It’s so bizarre to see them grown up that she feels like she’s going crazy. We can assume that she thinks they’re cute, because she’s blushing and freaking out, which is fun to see because Mikan didn’t seem to really understand why someone would have a crush on Natsume after finding out he’s a jerk. She knows he’s a jerk, and yet!

Mikan and her weakness for beautiful people...

Then she trips and he catches her, and the moment is sweet for a bit. First, he tags along to the hospital to see her. Then he joins her team. Now he’s catching her! It seems like he really wasn’t telling the whole truth when he said he hated her. The pieces don’t fit properly, but she’s happy that he doesn’t seem to really hate her. So she blushes again! Because she really hadn’t been expecting kindness from him after Chapter Thirty. Plus he’s not bad-looking as a teenager--

And then he feels her up. Nevermind!

They bicker and fight (and Tsubasa points out that all three of the kids are completely unchanged on the inside even if they look grown up) and it’s the first time they’ve really done so since the culture fest. I said in Natsume’s essays that he must be relieved by that because it’s all he can reasonably expect from her at this point, but I think she must be relieved in some way too. She’s bickered and argued with Natsume plenty in the story so far. She started liking him, but they were still bickering. Then all of a sudden he was ignoring her. They weren’t even fighting--they weren’t talking at all. Being able to argue with him and having him bicker back must be a relief. It’s a sign, along with all the stuff I mentioned above, that Natsume might be back to normal.

It's so funny that Mikan only pauses fighting with Natsume to climb up the pothole and then she goes right back to it. She must have really missed this!

They sneak onto the high school division campus and instantly face obstacles like angry, sentient statues with violence issues and annoying hall monitors. They’ve been doing a good job blending in, but then Mikan swallows her candy.

She calls out to Ruka for help. He’s the nicest guy among them really, and the least likely to yell at her or call her an idiot for messing up. She’s right (and wrong) to ask him for help. He’s only concerned and immediately tries to help, telling her to hide out of sight while he asks for assistance. But Ruka doesn’t know the high school division any better than she does, so he messes up too, getting them trapped in a zero-gravity chamber. Mikan cries out for help from her senpais, and they do, Tono amplifying Tsubasa’s alice so he can yank them out of the chamber.

But both Mikan and Ruka appear in front of the high-schoolers as children once more. They get caught by a hall monitor with the ice alice and now all the kids are stuck and even Natsume has swallowed his candy (they are all so cute with their baggy clothes ;-;). Mikan calls for her senpai for help, but it’s surprisingly Natsume who saves them, using his alice to melt the ice.

You’d think that, being stuck in ice, she’d first think of Natsume, the fire Alice, for help. But she’s still angry at him, and he’s so rarely kind, especially lately, that asking him for help doesn’t even occur to her. He’s so far not given her much of a reason to.

But he does save them, and Mikan looks at him differently. He was saving himself too, but he also saved her. Not to repeat myself for the nth time, but he keeps acting contrary to what he’d said before, and she keeps being surprised.

Always pay attention to sparkly panels!

It would be one thing if he suddenly changed and was nice after claiming he hates her. That’s not what happened. He’s not nice. Everytime he does something kind, he balances it out with something mean. She doesn’t know what to think of him, but so far on this trip he’s been more helpful than antagonistic, and she has been keeping track.

Chapter Thirty-Five

There is so much PLOT and INFO and LORE here in this arc that I’ll either skim or skip, depending on how relevant it is for character and relationship growth. Just keep that in mind.

The group manages to find the only people who might know about the tunnel: Sakurano and Subaru, who are never seen apart, like life partners or boyfriends or something. Mikan pleads with them to help, taking responsibility for all the broken rules. Natsume might be a good talker, somebody who knows exactly what to share and when to hold back (an excellent negotiator), but Mikan is all heart. She’s not smart, but she feels immensely, so she interrupts with an emotional request that they help out of the kindness of their hearts, because Yuu and Hotaru need it.

When Sakurano rejects her, she gets angry, asking Subaru how he could watch his sister struggle and not do anything about it. Usually, these emotional requests aren’t as successful in bargains as Natsume’s approach of playing with power imbalance. But Mikan isn’t trying to manipulate anybody; she’s sincere and earnest, and that’s why her approach works. She wants Subaru to care about Hotaru, so she says it out loud. She wants Sakurano to help because it’s the right thing to do, so she says so.

"I want to believe you care, that you're worried about her too." Don't mind me. I struggle with not talking MORE about the Imai siblings. I'm holding back, I promise.

Sakurano concedes that he’ll help them, even though it could get him and Subaru in trouble, but only if this isn’t just a bare-bones move of desperation. Natsume boasts about his credentials, that the plan will go smoothly because he’s part of it--and also Ruka. He turns to Mikan, because this is her idea, and he asks about her.

This is maybe the first time that someone has looked to Mikan and asked what she would contribute. People chat with her, sure, and how she feels has weight and all that. That’s not what I’m talking about. People underestimate Mikan (and have been this whole arc, actually), with Tono and Tsubasa dismissing her idea to save Hotaru, Sumire shutting her plan down, and her own self-doubts putting into question whether she can actually help anyone. It was only when Ruka and Natsume signed on to her plan that she was taken seriously. Sakurano and Subaru had up to this point dismissed all of them as naive little children. But Natsume is looking to her now, because this was her plan from the start, and whatever ideas she has should be heard. This is her mission. She should have a say. What role does she want to play here?

Something something viewing her as an equal with something to contribute or whatever.

I talked about how Natsume stressing that Ruka would be just as instrumental and beneficial to the cause as him was a way of calling Ruka his equal. But he’s doing that now with Mikan too. This is important! Natsume, who has just shown off how instrumental he'll be to this mission, expects she'll be helpful too. It means a lot, especially coming from him. Mikan hasn’t really ever had people expecting things from her before, so she’s taken aback, but she eventually concludes that what she can do best is use her alice to protect her friends. She’s expected to participate equally, so she puts herself on the line. She still doesn’t value her alice as much as she should, but she knows that smiles won’t help here, and nullification is the only other thing she feels she can offer.

So that’s that. They go to the tunnel and somehow all her teammates go in before her. That’s how committed they all are to her cause. Natsume goes in without question, and Ruka follows after, determined. Tono gives Mikan his alice stone right before she can disappear.

In the final seconds before she goes through the tunnel, she can see Subaru looking at her, like he wants to say something. He doesn’t know much about his sister. So far, he’s spent more time healing her unconscious body in the hospital than he’s spent actually talking to her. He wants to see her get better too. Mikan wanted him to be more than what Hotaru had assumed, that he wasn’t just a cold robot devoid of all humanity, that he cared for his sister somehow. He does want her to save Hotaru, to find the antidote. (Subaru is a lot like Natsume in that way; acting like he cares could put Hotaru in danger. And he’s also like Hotaru, since he acts aloof around her even once they start getting closer.) This is not relevant except that I love Subaru and Hotaru’s sibling bond so I wanted to ramble. Moving on.

Conclusion

Or... I'll be moving on in the next part, which I will probably post tomorrow! These chapters are very exciting, but heavier in lore than in relationship analysis.

In this part, we discussed Mikan's new mission: not just to save Hotaru and Iinchou, but to become stronger. Additionally, Natsume had been backtracking from his insistence that he hates everything about her. He has so far, right after saying he hates her, been on her side all day.

In the next part, we'll see the Z Arc continue and be able to compare how Mikan imagines this mission to go and how it really goes down. She'll see a little bit more of how different Natsume is from the rest of them, and her feelings will only get stronger!

ALSO, happiest of birthdays to @crimsoncitrus , a very good friend and an awesome person to know!

Anyway, I'm gonna go earn $100 now. :)

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