#lulu’s vents

[lus-corner]

Could.. could someone… ANYONE adopt me please..?

I cannot remember what my biological parents look like and I never got the chance to see them since they were both dead not long after I was born..

Please.. I’m so alone and… and.. I really just want to finally be able to have an actual family..

A family that is not dead…

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

me stubbornly forcing myself to drink green tea and rest from my THIRD COLD THIS MONTH

[ludwigoat909]

Should post it on vent but the more I learn symptoms and signs of DID/OSDD the more I freak out I have a bunch of fictional characters I make up in my brain I converse with in my head to organize my thought and I believe that a huge amount of my internal dialogue are when I have an ocd spiral and compulsively try to reassure myself, tho I sometimes make those characters refered as "we" (only inside my hand) I don't feel like a different person expect when I'm angry although that's because I have shit emotion control and think things I don't really mean but like the emotion is there? And also like the fact that systems can switch without memory loss and are often not that different from one another?

And like I spend a lot of time in my own head when I'm spiraling, like A LOT, a unhealthy amount. Tho I think that's either mental compulsion or horrid maladaptive daydreaming (which I suffered from a LOT) I DEF am overthinking this cause I feel like a lot of it is just characters that came from my ocd and adhd, but also like damn, idk...

[febrezeluna]

As much as I truly love getting into fandoms it always blinds me from how the characters canonly act, I have to watch several Frost clips every day to stay in character for the blog and I still feel like it's ooc

There's also the issue of Frost is a fucking freak and I am not

[lulu-spooks]

Ok so I don’t really know who to talk to about this so I’m putting it here.

But how do people deal with the grief of someone dying before you meet them. I found out like an hour ago that my grandfather died but I only met him when I was a baby so I don’t remember him. And I was meant to meet him in only a weeks time but now he’s gone. And so this weekend I’m going to see my grandmother who I’ve also never met. Which means the only times I will see her will be when she’s consumed by grief. I’ll probably never get to know the real her.

So I’m mourning something except I’m not mourning memories I’m mourning possibilities. Frustration at things I never experienced. People who I’ve been told were so like me. And I’ll just never get to know them. Because my grandfather is dead and my grandmother is lost in her sadness.

I wrote a song last month with the lyrics “got a meeting planned, to make sure they don’t move on without a face to a name” and it’s just hitting me now that I didn’t make the meeting. I missed that chance. I don’t know how much blame I can take for this because my aunt was trying to arrange a meeting for us to meet but it kept getting pushed back. And I know the address. I could have gone. But I didn’t. So I take some blame. I have to.

I just wanna give my dad a hug. He just lost his dad. The dad he hasn’t seen in 18 long years. But I won’t see him for another two weeks. I don’t know if it would be right for me to go to the funeral. I’ve never been to one anyway. I’ve never lost someone biologically close to me.

I don’t know what to do.

[luluisoff]

I'm sorry for not making more content of my emerald au, I put so much pressure on my myself to be something technically good (writing and art pieces) that it ruined the fun for me and I still struggle with that mentality that is not good enough or is really really bad and cringe.

[lulu-d-venti]

I need these so called « alpha sigma male » anti-intelectuals publically humiliated

I don’t think any human being should think the choice of being stupid makes them superior actually. Might sound pretty « « degenerate » » if you ask me.

Maybe the reason free speech shouldn’t be legal isn’t about us being « offended » by the words of idiots but because people who choose to believe their dick over reason are a genuine plague to this planet and your words being a testament to your stupidity are just your way of outing yourself as someone who should be fucking legally bullied.

[hellowyn-llewellyn]

im at the lowest ive ever been

[rain-waifu]

be kind, but dont feel bad when these fuckers all drown

small vent on under the cut, as you can tell im not good at animation, i've barely made some little animations with flipaclip back on the day, but i was never good at it, but this has been stuck on my mind for some time i had to made it so i could sleep in peace.

Im very happy for the little community of followers i have, for the people that has come for a certain fandom, yet stayed anyway. I read all of your tags, and comments, i take screenshots of them and read them cause they make me happy, im very thankful for each one of you both in the art blog and the personal blog, however i cant cover the sun with a finger.

Everthing has been so hateful lately, i dont feel good anywhere. I've come to realize that i dont really fit anywhere, althrough there are places i feel comfier than others, im happy tumblr has come that kind of safe spot, i like uploading art and i like answering questions, but i cant manage to pull myself up together sometimes. I feel good here, but when i turn my back, i just see people picking on other people's art, being mean, disrespectful, disrespecting people's characters, oversexualization, etc. It breaks my mind everytime, and its an unstoppable force.

I dont feel comfortable with my irl circle, i love them, but im not myself. Im not myself anywhere, im not saying it like 'wow im so different!' type of manner, i just feel like a misfit cause everyone else in my world have their feet set on earth. They dont care about me gushing about fictional characters, but for me its a little part of me very few people has accepted. They cannot understand my comfort, and i cannot blame them, im too deep into the internet culture and the selfship that i just cannot blame them for ignoring or raising their eyebrows when i say something stupid about a fictional character.

I want to be kind, but i dont feel kindness going back my way, aswell as i realize that not everyone deserves my forgiveness, they've left me with scars that will stay with me forever, as they keep going with their lives and im stuck in the vortex, blaming myself for not overcoming traumas i didnt know were that deep. I love the fictional characters i always talk about, i love my self inserts, i love doing art, i love the people that has been tagging along in these blogs. We're like 134 followers, and im dead happy about it, honest. But for now, i just want to sleep.

Remember to scream for Palestine, for Congo, for Sudan, Syria, its horrific, please stand by them, use the tiktok filters, use the sounds, spread awareness, keep yourself informed. Share everything you see about these situations, specially tiktok, its the platform everyone is using and the one that makes the most revenue, find creators that do donate to these causes. Stay strong, and never forget and honor those who arent with us anymore. Scream for freedom. I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

[fluffyzoey]

lulu. dude. chill.

[panb1mbo]

ngl i kinda like playing chicken with white ppl in public until they fucking move out of my way

[anaverageventblog]

I had to go out and order food today. And you know what? This bitch and her mom in full lulu lemon attire gave me the nastiest look while eyeing my SH scars.

Im sorry I wake up every day wishing I offed myself years ago, but idk what you want me to do about scars that are already there. They’re not fresh, so fuck off, mind your own business.

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

every time i listen to this song all i can think about is the fact it was the answer alex gave to "what song describes your life?" in an interview years back and i just. i can’t cope, actually.

i keep picturing mopey sias era alex sitting with his head resting against the window of the tour bus, listening to it on repeat through his headphones as the world blurs past. or am era alex listening to it in the early hours of the morning when he can't sleep and the city is dark and quiet outside his window. or tbhc era alex listening to it hungover in the sluggish stretch of an afternoon when he can't quite manage to shake himself out of a funk. it's just. it feels like such a poignant and visceral line into his mindset and the way he feels and thinks about himself, and it gets me in the heart every single fucking time i listen to it 😩

[ludwigoat909]

//// vent (hide my "lulu d vent" tag if you don't want to see it)

I think one reason I've started being more sympathetic towards Kotoko, which is also one of the reasons I use to hate her for and yet never admitted it, is that, just like her, Not only do I want to be worse then those that hurt others for the wrong reasons. And that just like her, I can't let those who hurt me and others ever get away with this. I want to be the equivalent to what they are to me or others, even tho I know they are the last person I wish to become. That's what hatred does to you, the feeling of giving back what was thrown at you. Why do we get hurt and not them? Why do the minority get specific names and not the biggots? Why do they get to make yourself a fool while they never feel shame thanks to their blinding ego? Why don't THEY get to suffer for thinking it's ok to be awful to you?

They never get the same pain then they give us. It feels like we are doomed to loose because they have the experience of years of biggotry against us for weapon. And it's not fair.

Unlike Kotoko who isolated herself and became more radicalized on her own tho. For me it was growing up with relatives that used my anger to make themselves feel like the better one. My response to any threat has always been anger. That I had to attack back when I was being attacked.

There's this relative in particular, who likes to dog pile people whenever they make the slightest mistake because he likes to feel special about being correct (actually, it may be why I get so mad at most internet discourse like shipping because of how people seem to care of being the more correct one, which was another reason why I use to dislike her and currently Fuuta). And with I, being a disabled adhd and autistic person, it shouldn't take a wild guess to imagine how they treated me. There were times when he got pissed at me where he liked to throw ableist slurs at me (these are kind of common in France saddly thanks to our beautiful language having a trillion insults and slurs for literally anything). And there was me thinking I had to throw back with the same shit since I thought that if this is their idea of an insult I had to fight back the same. And that if I didn't fight back, I would let myself be crushed.

Now even years later I feel horrible about it. And yet in my own mind it feels like I never learned. When I get angry and in my mind I would imagine interacting in the same way they did out of impulsivity. This kind of disgusting impulsive thoughts I get is even worse considering I also have terrible ocd from which suffer from awful intrusive thoughts that are also no limited to insults either. All because I feel like it's the only language they know of.

That last second in Deep Cover is not so different from how I feel afterwards when these happen.

If this sounds like I'm trying to excuse Kotoko's actions or make myself more sympathetic. I am not. I may not brutally kill or assault people like she does. But this kind of shit is wrong and I wish I could be a better person. i wish I controlled my anger better. I wish I wasn't like this. I just don't know how I can stop being like this. And I want help to find a better way to deal with conflict like these. I just fear so much of people getting away with things... I fear people think they are right for the things they are wrong about me or others, because for so long I feel like I've been treated like shit because people didn't understand me and had a dead set opinion on who I was. And now it feels like they've put me where they wanted me to be and I hate it.... I just want to become the person I wish to be. i wish to be someone that lives up to what I truly believe and not some vicious pile of anger

[trainqueen379]

A small vent (kind of-)

(I wanna get this out of myself)

I’m sorry if this sounds like attention seeking, it’s really not meant to be that

I sometimes wish my art got more attention, some pieces I post which I’m proud of barely get 10 notes at times and it makes me feel like I’m not a good artist and my art is not good enough

[lulue-xie]

Im annoyed

When someone annoying me or say something i dont like, i take a breath and take a step back because i really want to slap their face 😔

I try to say nothing because i know, i fucking know if i run my bad mouth here i will regret it later because im someone that can bark and bite

But that fucking hard when the person tell to not like something you used to say on a daily basic

It's childish to be annoyed for that but i just feel attacked right now, especially when it something i used to say to reassure someone and i just feel bad about it now