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the-chosen-fanfiction · 5 days ago

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Judas | Own Up | Romantic

Feeling left out from the group, Judas isn’t certain whether you’d be interested in him, especially since a few of the Disciples seem to be adamant in discouraging him about it.

Requested by Livvy

A shriek unidentifiable fills the air across camp and has Judas make a wrong scratch on his parchment, a huff of exasperation leaving the keeper of the purse as he lifts his stylus and turns around to the source of the laughter now erupting from behind him, narrowing his blue eyes as he attempts to figure out what has gotten into you this time.

Running across camp with your arms around your own body to protect yourself, you are being pursued by both Simons as they chase after you with in their possession a bug that had apparently found itself inside your tent. Your question for one of them to remove it had turned into an impromptu and thoroughly unwanted session of exposure therapy, much to your dismay.

The men following you laugh as you hide behind Philip, who sheepishly chuckles at the display. “Now what is going on?”

“They’re trying to put a spider on me!”

“It’s not a spider, it’s a bug,” Zee clarifies, “And it’s not that big, look!”

You shrink behind Philip when he holds it up to show it. “Eek! Get it away from me!”

“This is not healthy for you, (Y/n),” Simon the son of Jonah teases, “You need to touch it in order to get over your irrational fears! Look at how cute it is wriggling! Aww—-”

“No! No-no-no!” you cry out, but there is a smile on your face and you giggle at the same time, evidence that you aren’t in actual distress in spite of your genuine disgust for the small insect inside Zee’s palm.

Judas’ narrowed gaze loosens a bit as sadness floods over his features instead. He can’t picture himself in such a situation where he’d be teasing you or anyone else, or being used as a safe haven in the way you’re holding onto Philip’s shoulders right now as you hide behind him. Every time moments like these take place in between mission trips and sermons, the banter as well as the playfulness that ensues in times of relaxation, Judas feels further away from the group than ever. He had been the last to join and perhaps that had been the main reason for it, he had thought to himself at first, but now he knows better.

Perhaps it’s because Judas is envisioning something different for the ministry that the others do not seem to understand. The grip on his stylus tightens before he dips it back into the ink. Attempting to focus on his work again, he fingers the loose coins on the log before him as he makes the calculations inside his mind, ignoring the way your laughter sounds behind him—

“—No! No, Big James! That’s so mean, why are you on their side?!” Judas pivots sharply and feels a strange sinking in his gut upon witnessing you thrown over James’ shoulder effortlessly as behind him the two Simons hold the bug in front of your face.

It’s not so much the fact that he is disturbed from properly doing his work now due to the noise. There is something else that causes this tightening inside of him, this sense of jealousy that goes beyond just belonging.

It is the way you are laughing with them. The gleeful glimmer inside your pretty (e/c) eyes has envy course through him. The manner in which you hammer your fists on James’ back in an attempt to get him to put you down, the kicking of your legs, the way you are so carefree and yet so graceful. Had they done this with Mary, or Ramah, or Tamar, he wouldn’t have minded as much. Matter of fact, Judas wouldn’t have minded at all.

“Hey, Nathanael,” he speaks up, turning to the former architect sitting at the fire, who is just feeding it another log that causes sparks to crackle. “Do you know who of Jesus’ followers is actually seeing someone?”

“You know that in our culture you don’t just see someone, Jude.”

“I know, I mean… Are there people other than Simon who are married? Betrothed? I— I don’t mean Thomas and Ramah, because they already met before that. I mean two people who… Who met here and then… You know.”

Nathanael turns to face Judas whilst pursing his lips, shaking his head. “I don’t think so. At least, Mary and Matthew seem to have a thing for each other but they’re just orbiting around one another at the moment. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, just… Curious.” He looks back at his work, not wanting to be caught staring at you. “Nothing more.”

“Most of us are focusing on the ministry now.”

“So, no hidden relationships going on somewhere? Unspoken feelings between people?”

Nathanael shrugs. “I don’t know that. I can’t exactly look into people’s heads, you know?”

Judas sighs. “I know. I was just asking.”

The architect hums and tosses some more wood into the fire. “Alright. How are the funds coming along?”

“They’re doing mediocre,” he mutters, leaning his chin on his hand as his elbow rests on the table. “I mean, we are making ends meet. Just… Not a lot left.”

“Is there enough for us to go to bed with full bellies?”

“Yeah.”

“So, what’s the issue? We have more than we need.”

Judas opens his mouth to speak. “But if we had more, we could expand even further. If we put it on the bank, we could raise—”

“—We have more than we need.” Nathanael repeats with emphasis, “So there is no problem with the funds. You’re doing great, Jude. No need to worry about not having enough.”

Once again established in his belief that he is an outsider compared to the others, since Nathanael doesn’t seem to catch onto his personal ideas for the group and doesn’t seem keen on hearing him out either. Judas averts his gaze back to his work and sighs once again. “Forget about it,” the businessman huffs, cutting the conversation short.

Another laugh from you reaches him, causing a sad, dark pit in his gut, as he attempts to block out the fact that you are having fun with others that aren’t him, and the fact that you, unlike himself, belong.

—

Still, Judas cannot keep you out of his head, replaying the way Nathanael had confirmed that you were very much available. For how long it will remain that way has yet to be determined. The keeper of the purse is absolutely certain that he cannot be the only one who has a thing for you, judging by how sweet you are.

One evening whilst most of the group sits at the fire safe from Zee, Jesus, Little James and you, Judas finds himself constantly trying to find your form somewhere between the tents, where you have withdrawn yourself in order to read for a bit. Judas sighs as he smiles softly, liking the fact that you’re taking pleasure in something like reading Scripture. You are quite intelligent, which he finds attractive.

“—Judas.” A rough push against his shoulder snaps him out of his thoughts. Thomas raises an eyebrow at him as the keeper of the purse gives him a strange look.

“Huh?”

“I asked if you wanted another refill.” Thomas holds up a jar of water. Judas gives a small shake of his head. “Are you alright? You seem distracted.”

“You were staring at (Y/n).” Simon the son of Jonah exposes.

“I was not—”

“Is that why you asked if she was seeing anyone?” Nathanael joins in.

Put on the spot, Judas gulps hard, running his hands over his tunic to get rid of their clamminess. “I— I’m not—”

“—You were suspiciously interested.”

“That’s not true and you know it. Sure, I was curious, but it was not like I was overly keen to know.”

Big James huffs and crosses his arms. “Well, you better keep your distance from her, then. Because we have known (Y/n) for way longer than you have and we know for sure that she wouldn’t like you in that way.”

“I...” Judas Iscariot rapidly blinks, feeling his heart tighten inside his chest. “What do you mean? Have you asked her what she thinks of me, or…”

“She hasn’t, but it would make sense for her to pick someone else over you. The two of you wouldn’t be good for one another.”

Feeling humiliated, Judas looks away, drawing a sharp breath. “How can you be so certain? If she has never explicitly said anything about it herself, why would you write it off like that?”

“I agree with James,” Simon intersects himself. “I don’t think you two would make a good match.”

“What makes you even think that?” Judas wants to know, but this only raises more suspicion.

“That’s interesting. If you didn’t like her in that way, why would it matter?” John mutters calmly.

Cornered, Judas sharply stands up. “Y-You act as if you like her!” he stutters. “Or—Or Big James, who are you into, huh? Why would it matter who (Y/n) likes?”

“Are you guys talking about me?” The mention of your name falling multiple times draws you to the fire.

Sharply pivoting to where you are standing, the man from Kerioth feels his breath hitch as all colour drains from his face. “I— Um— We were just… Just talking about…”

“—About the fact that some people find love within the group, like Thomas and Ramah, and others don’t, which is also fine.” Philip saves the day. You sigh as you plant your hands on your hips.

“Be as it may, I don’t like people talking about me behind my back. Especially when I’m trying to read and can follow their conversation just fine.” Judas’ heart rears as you look at him, a small smile on your lips. “If there is someone here who is into me, I’d rather just hear it from them personally, instead of orbiting around the topic for ages.”

“What if someone likes you and the others think they aren’t good for you?”

You blink in slight puzzlement at Big James’ question. “I think people can decide that for themselves, no?”

Without waiting for a reaction, you turn to head for your tent again, eager to continue your reading session. A brief silence falls over the group as they watch you walk off. “Well, that was awkward.” Nathanael quips, taking a loud sip of water. The other men chuckle a bit, turning back to whatever conversation they had been having earlier, as if you hadn’t been there at all, and as if they hadn’t just discouraged Judas from confessing his feelings for you just because they thought the two of you wouldn’t fit well together.

“(Y/n) has good judgement,” Philip muses, nearly causing the keeper of the purse to gasp in surprise at how close he is standing. Judas looks at him, a bit confused at the knowing smirk playing over the man’s lips. “Don’t let the others talk down on you. None of them would have the guts to admit it if they liked a woman, let alone tell her.”

“Oh, I’m not— (Y/n), she is…” Judas tries to find the right words and stumbles over them instead. “I— I mean… She…”

“…Might be glad to hear from you.” Philip finishes his sentence for him. “Trust me when I say that I know that a few of the men around this camp wish they had enough confidence to go and speak to her, and instead of owning up to their feelings, they decide to take it out on you instead.”

“Are you— Are you saying that Zee, Nathanael and Big James have a thing for her? And Simon? He’s married, that would be messed up!” Judas mutters in shock, causing Philip to chuckle lightly.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. I don’t know what the men you mentioned feel, but I know they are protective over the women here. Try to take their words with a grain of salt and just do what the lady said you had to do if you happen to have feelings for her.”

“I— I don’t—” Judas’ words get stuck in his throat as Philip winks at him, stepping away to get himself another drink. For a few long moments, Judas stands a bit awkwardly with his arms at his sides, fists clenching and unclenching as he tries to decide what to do. When his gaze turns towards your tent, where he can see the shadow of your form reading in the candlelight, a look of determination comes over his features.

The others apart from Philip don’t pay him any mind as Judas walks towards your tent with deliberate steps, a wave of confidence hitting him. Outcast or not, he won’t let the others talk him out of confessing to what he feels for you anymore. He doesn’t want to suppress his feelings for you just because he is afraid of either judgement or rejection.

He halts in front of your tent and clears his throat, suddenly unsure of what to say. Judas realises he should have prepared this at least for a bit, but he’s already here and has made his presence known.

“Yes?”

“It’s Judas,” the man from Kerioth replies, his heart skipping a beat at the sound of your pleasant voice. “May I come in?”

“One moment,�� you reply as you move to put on your veil, and as soon as it’s draped over your hair, you allow him entry. “Yes.”

He opens the flap to your tent and cold wind drifts into your room, causing the candle on the table you’re seated at to flicker dangerously. “Can I help you with something?”

“I’m… I’m here because of what you just said.”

A small smile tugs at your lips. “Oh?”

“You said that if someone liked you, they would have to come over to you to tell you personally. So…”

“So…?” you muse, smiling softly as your heart hammers inside your chest, having an inkling where this is going, much to your delight.

Judas straightens his back as you stand up, walking over to him.

“So… Here I am. I— I know I’m not the tallest, or the strongest, but I’d do anything for you.”

You halt in front of him, drinking in the determined blue eyes of the keeper of the purse. The fact that he was here right now, in spite of how he felt about his position in the group, confident enough to tell you how he feels about you; it is admirable in and of itself.

“Here you are,” you whisper, “And I’m glad that you are.”

Judas feels his face heat up. “Really?” He lets his hands fiddle with one another in front of him, uncertain what he should say.

“Really.” You respond, your (e/c) glittering as you look at him, taking his hands in yours.

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