#lucy heartfilia angst

[lulushults]

okay so, i just had this thought. everyone talks about natsu’s trauma following future lucy’s death, theres fanfics about it, fanart, canon scenes with natsu being more protective etc etc. but, why does no one talk about how traumatising that must’ve been for lucy? imagine watching yourself take your last few breaths knowing that was your ‘future’ dying before your very eyes. surely that must’ve fucked my girl up even just a little, knowing that technically you’re future has now been cut short but you have no idea by how much. genuinely terrifiying to think about btw

[malleablemindrotting]

hadestown has inspired so much angst in me.. after watching jordan fisher live there’s just so many pent up writing ideas….

so here’s an idea i have going for nalu angst inspired by hadestown:

a fic where natsu and lucy reunite post tartaros in hell, except it’s because after lucy was abandoned—instead of her usual tenacity, in this au she loses her will to go on. natsu didn’t come back soon enough here, so she loses the last shred of hope and per severance she has when zeref begins approaching her in her dreams.

natsu didn’t appear at the grand magic arena. and lucy came home in the same low spirits. and there’s continuous slow news about anyone in the guild.

it starts slow. out of no where he begins to haunt her, constantly barraging her dreams with dark magic, convincing her that her friends won’t come back for her. they left her with no hesitation, why would they come back? lucy, our strong willed girl, still doesn’t fall to this until zeref starts targeting her memories of natsu. he twists them, makes natsu’s teasing a little harsher. a bit less funny, and more sharp. then he replays these memories to lucy.

he then starts darkening lucy’s dreams and barrages her with dream sequences of doubts of natsu ever returning, making up scenes of natsu writing her the letter while saying horrible things like: “i’m only writing this so she won’t bother us” or “everyone’s leaving and i don’t need her coming with us and slowing us down” (which natsu would never ever say) . he goes as far as to show a scenes of natsu out in the woods meeting with erza, gray, and wendy, and them speaking about how easy their lives had been since leaving the guild (and inferring that it’s because lucy was left behind too) . zeref starts incorporating repeat sequences of lucy breaking aquarius’s key, and adds whispers of “weak”, or “useless”, every time she relives the scene in her dreams.

she no longer has the strength to call her spirits for comfort, and she pushes loke away out of fear that he’ll begin to see her as a burden too. she can’t close her eyes without seeing the backs of her guild mates walking away, or hearing natsu’s voice speaking about her like she’s a burden. it sounds almost distinctly like how her father used to speak to her all those years ago.

zeref takes the final push in one final appearance in her dreams. this time he’s there as himself, and speaks to her kindly. “i know. you’re tired aren’t you? i know somewhere where you won’t be alone like this ever again”

having gone so long without a kind voice leaves lucy vulnerable, and it doesn’t help that she hasn’t slept or ate in weeks

lucy, unable to think past her ptsd, and broken mental fortitude takes zeref’s hand. and suddenly her real body is teleported to hell. zeref’s plan to use her as bait to finally get natsu has worked.

it’s at this point that natsu has finally decided to return, that he’s strong enough to protect lucy from any future danger. that he can now make sure something like tartaros will never happen again.

he finds out where she’s living, and has just snuck through the window when he watches her body vanish in a black smoke, dark magic lingering, and her keys left behind.

zeref’s voice echos around her old bedroom “if you want to find her, come to the alvarez empire” and so ofc. natsu goes. and when he arrives, he’s brought to the gates of hell itself.

he journeys through the underworld, blazing and fighting with the same fairy tail spirit he’s always had, and the heated passionate protective love he’s always had for lucy heartfilia. except, when he finally gets to the underworld, blessing, bruised, and with a few broken bones he meets soulless eyes, and bony, brittle hands mining coal.

gone are the sunshine warmth of her brown eyes. her hair is duller, fine golden locks faded to lifeless and brittle gray. her skin is an unsettling pallor of pale. and the freckles she had gained over the years as a fairy tail wizard have faded like she’d never been in the light.

lucy’s eyes don’t even look at natsu like a stranger, they don’t see him. and he thinks that is what hurts the most.

it isn’t until his temper rises, and with it his flames does she start to come back to life. the ire of his fire spreads out all over hell, and when lucy feels the heat, it’s too familiar for her to ignore and she snaps back to the past where she’s meeting natsu for the first time in hargeon, and feeling the warmth and safety of his fire for the first time. after all this time, she’s still not scared of his fire. her eyes regain her brown, and she remembers natsu, recognizes him again.

they embrace, and she cries, yelling at him for leaving her behind but can’t keep it up for long, too relieved to see him after being separated for so long.

it’s then that zeref appears. threatening natsu with erasing lucy completely if he didn’t fight him now. natsu, justifiably angered, accepts the fight easily— and is quickly humbled.

and so they strike a bargain, zeref thinks it’s not their time to fight, and he still needs natsu to get the will and strength to kill him. it’s still too early unfortunately, and he can’t let natsu dies without killing him. and so he gives natsu a test. he can try and rescue lucy, he can bring her back up from hell— but like orpheus he can’t look back, they will not be walking hand and hand side by side. and if he did look back? lucy dies forever, and goes back to the underworld, blank, and forgotten to the dreams of her once full life.

contemplating how i’d end this. tragedy like hadestown where natsu can’t help but look back, worried she wasn’t there… or if i’d give them the happy ending. who knows. just thinking :p will save for a future writing project

[shiiro-arts]

I just realized, natsu getting punched the shit out of him because he gets distracted because lucy gets hit is kind of sad, because not only he gets worried, he probably freaks out.

He freaks out because since FLucy died, he's always been there protecting her, making sure that never happens again.

So when Lucy gets hit, and he can't protect her (him being there), he probably remembers FLucy, and how he couldn't do anything to save her

My poor baby is traumatized

[bumblebeehug]

Can’t write nalu angst where Lucy dies and Natsu’s left to grieve bc he’d simply kill himself. All of his “you don’t die for your friends, you live for them” moral would go out the window. He can’t see a life without Lucy — even if he wouldn’t actively kill himself he’d work himself to death. He wouldn’t have boundaries, he’d just keep going until there’s nothing left of him. In fact, he’s the type of guy who would become a total villain if Lucy died. Zeref style, trying to revive her, searching for any chance to get her back. When she’s still alive he thinks he’s above Zeref’s life choices — he thinks he would cope better than he did. But history repeats itself. Lucy dies and Natsu’s voice of reason dies with her.

[beargyufairy]

Oh, what a valiant roar

What a bland goodbye

[princeash28]

❤️ Happy Belated Valentine's Day ❤️

I didn't get to post a fic for it, so here's a sweet treat from me instead 🫶

A WIP from an excerpt of some NaLu spice 🔥 that may or may not be coming up in one of my fics 😊. Could scrap it entirely but I jotted it down on the notes app of my phone, so it's not polished. Workshopping this, so any feedback is appreciated.

Enjoy!

Context: Natsu is stuck in a dragon-force-like state. Scales, a tail, the whole shebang. Something more is happening to him. His instincts are getting harder and harder to ignore... and so are his desires.

NSFW warning just in case? Mostly just kissing tho. And some angst sprinkled in. ✨ Because I have to. 😘

"Luce," Natsu's breaths came out desperate, hot on Lucy's lips. "I-... Is this... Do you want—?"

"Yes," Lucy breathes, her mouth a whisper on his own. She pulls back enough to meet his eyes properly, looking up through her lashes. "...Do you?"

Natsu nodded even as his heart thrums with a million uncertainties. His searing lips caressed hers again, something between a purr and a hum rolling from his throat.

His hands touched her and yet they weren't full enough. His body brushed against her clothes and yet he wanted to feel more.

Wanted to be more.

His lips left hers, tracing her jaw, under her ear and finding the pulse of her neck. Her heartbeat was in his ears, growing faster, growing more excited. His tongue darted to taste her skin--sweet and soft as silk--and he was rewarded with a small hitch of her breath and her hands pulling him closer.

"Ah, Natsu." Her voice lilted into a moan he had never heard before, plucking cords in his gut and sending molten blood away from his brain to wander to more exciting places.

He kissed her neck harder, needing the warmth of her skin like he had never known anything but the cold. His lips went down, down, down, earning him trembling gasps and a small buck of her hips that made him ache with a need he had never felt before.

His tongue darted out again, tasting that soft spot between her shoulder and neck. Lucy pulled him closer, her hair falling to the side as she tilted her head to open herself up to him. Exposed. Inviting. 

His.

A growl rumbled from deep in his chest, a warning, a wanting—

His teeth grazed her skin, and he nipped her gently—so gently—just to test this strange instinct that had come over him—

Lucy gasped and curled back into him, her hips bucking into his—igniting a fire he'd never known was burning for her until recently. She hooked a leg around his waist, pressing them together—

Natsu's teeth grew hot, and his lips curled into a snarl. Suddenly he had a wrist pinned above her head, his other hand pulling her shoulder down so that he could claim what was his—

His eyes darted to hers, and he froze.

Her cheeks were flushed, her bottom lip fat and a little bloody.

Bloody.

When had that happened?

He looked back to her shoulder, the patch of red and the little bruise already forming from his tiny nip—maybe harder than he's intended.

But her eyes weren't shimmering with pain or fear. They were full of trust--full of desire reflecting right back into his own. 

But her lip was bloody, and only now he realized the sweetness on his lips was turning acrid—metallic.

"I—" He pulled away, the heat and want in his gut trying to anchor him back down to Lucy.

Her flushed face pinched in worry, and like a blot of stray ink on a masterpiece, the pleasure Natsu had been steeped in was ruined.

"Are you okay?" Lucy whispered. Her breath tickled his chest as she looked up at him, prone as a lamb.

Gods, she was beautiful.

He spoke past the dryness in his throat choking him, past the cloying taste of blood on his tongue.

"Lucy, I..." he panted, his hand hovering near her cheek, seeing his talons about to graze her fair skin, and pulled back. He lowered his head in shame. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't—"

"Lucy." He met her eyes again, his face hard-set, shoving down the desire that had taken him to a place he was reluctant to leave. " ...I can't."

Her lips parted, and the tiniest "oh," of realization was the only sound between them. Her eyes, flecked with golden stars, searched his pitch black depths of ink. He waited for her to nod and scoot away, to unlock them both from the quivering tension threatening to snap between them into something they would never be able to put back together.

But Lucy cupped his scale-freckled cheeks, and leaned up to kiss him. It was deep, and warm, and sweet; less fevered and more solid. Solid like a promise between them both.

"You won't," Lucy whispered. She kissed him again. "I trust you, Natsu. So trust me."

And then her lips left his to explore his neck, his bare chest. His rigid frame shuddered, his body fighting with his mind that was ready to shut this all down at a moment's notice.

"L-luce—"

"Shh," her breath was hot on his scaled abdomen. She kissed his crimson and inky scales, which parted for her like the sea, revealing his skin underneath so that she could kiss there again, igniting him in ways he had never thought possible.

Natsu swallowed down whatever words his brain had tried to come up with, and a deep groan rushed to take its place. His eyes fluttered and closed.

Her hands found the hem of his pants, and her fingers trailed just above the fabric.

His hips bucked—a primal, involuntary thing—and he gasped softly.

His voice took on a new desperation, a plea and a final warning all at once. "Lucy..."

"Natsu." 

He opened his eyes, his chest heaving, his core burning, aching—

"Is this... something you really want?" Lucy asked. She began to nudge the shoulder of her sleeve down, her other hand resting like a branding iron on his abs.

Gods.

"Yes," he breathed.

"Me too," she smiled, red faced and kind. "So let's figure it out together, okay? Just like we always do."

And just like that, the ball of nerves and fear in his chest unknotted somewhat.

He managed a small smile back, and the tip of his pointed tail—the damn nuisance that it was—wiggled.

Lucy failed to stifle her giggle, and she leaned in to kiss him again.

[xanvasofxords]

Lucy doesn’t know this place. Ignoring the cuts and bruises on her skin, she keeps walking as she wipes the blood off her lips. Something is terribly wrong and she needs to find a way out of this place.

What the hell happened?

How did she end up in such a bad shape?

Is there an enemy lurking around?

It feels like her legs will give out any time so she stops. She’s barefoot and she can’t walk any longer. She notices a weird pink emblem on the back of her right hand. It looks like a tattoo. But she never had one to begin with. She stares at it, as if something would happen.

She hears footsteps. Someone is coming her way. She can see his face now. She can’t recognise this man. He has pink hair, the same color as her tattoo, which is odd.

Who is he?

Is he going to kill her?

Her vision blurs and she falls to the ground. She can still see blood dripping from the side of his head and bruises all over his body. For some reason she knows he won’t harm her. Maybe he’s also lost.

He falls to his knees before her. His voice is ragged as he says something to her. She doesn’t get half of his words. She thinks she’s dying.

“....I love you, Lucy....”

This time she hears it and it makes her smile, she really wants to say it back. If she’s dying, she wants him to hear it before it happens. But she doesn’t get to say it, her eyes close.

I love you too. Natsu...

The demon screams into the void, holding her body close to him.

[maprron]

Gift for @vaniliens 💛!!!

There is not enough Luli art, so someone has to draw it, and I guess that someone is going to be me.

[crimsonwolf715]

Danger

Natsu, Lucy, and Happy are on their way to a quest the guild received that requested them specifically. 

“Wonder who requested us,” Lucy says. 

Natsu shrugs. “Who cares? With all the Jewels we’ll receive for the job, we’ll be set for months!” 

“Aye, sir!” Happy says excitedly from Natsu’s pack. 

Happy got hit by a spell that made him unable to use his wings for a while, so Natsu and Lucy have been taking turns holding him so he doesn’t get left behind. Happy’s been in Natsu’s pack for the last leg because Natsu almost dropped him. (He forgot that he was holding Happy and started wildly embellishing with his hands and arms.) Lucy scoops Happy out of Natsu’s pack and holds him close as they walk. 

“How much further?” Natsu asks. “He said it ‘shouldn’t take too long’. We’ve been walking for like three hours since leaving the train station. Are you sure we’re heading the right way, Luce?” 

“Yes, I’ve checked the map repeatedly. We’re passing the proper landmarks, it’s just taking longer than word of mouth led us to believe,” Lucy answers. “I’m sure that we’ll get there soon. I hope so, at least. It’s gonna be dark soon.” 

They spend the next little while walking in silence, Lucy watching the scenery. Happy’s snoozing peacefully in her arms, snoring softly. She finds comfort in walking through beautiful scenery with Natsu, wishing they’d do this under different circumstances. 

Natsu grabs Lucy’s arm and pulls her next to him. “I have a bad feeling.” 

Lucy looks around but doesn’t see anything that would constitute as dangerous. “What kind of bad feeli…?” 

Natsu covers her mouth, intensity painting his expression. He turns and blasts fire behind them. Lucy turns and sees a smoking person. 

“Not so intense, Natsu! What if he was just looking for the same place as us?” 

“Why would he have gone around the hill for that?” Natsu asks. 

“He wouldn’t have,” Lucy answers. “We need to get out of here, and fast.” 

Natsu nods. The two break into a run in the direction they came from. They don’t make it very far before they’re surrounded. Happy wakes up from the commotion. 

“Woah, what happened?” Happy asks. 

“Hey, what’s wrong with my magic?” Natsu shouts, waving his fists around. 

“We cancelled the magic in the area! You won’t be using any of your flashy magic, Dragon Slayer!” one of them shouts. 

“Fine, I’ll beat you to a pulp then.” 

“Natsu, be careful!” 

Natsu flashes her a smile. “I’m always careful.” 

Lucy puts Happy down as Natsu starts brawling. “Stay here, I’m gonna help Natsu.” 

Happy nods, so she runs to join the fight. Together, they take out everyone. Natsu lights his fist on fire and seems pleased. Happy flies over. 

“Oh, that broke the spell on you,” Lucy says. “That’s great.” 

A small sound, like a party favor popping, echoes through the hills. Natsu and Lucy turn just fast enough to see the blast of magic before it hits Lucy. 

“Lucy!” Natsu catches her as she falls. “Damn, the closest hospital is probably hours from here.” 

“You can use some first aid,” Happy reminds him. 

“That’s a good idea. First aid, first aid. I definitely remember what I’m doing,” Natsu says, fumbling with his pack. 

Happy lands on his head as he pulls the first aid kit out. 

“This is fine.” 

Happy hums in agreement, then starts walking Natsu through the process. Thanks to Happy, Lucy’s patched up as much as they can much quicker than if Natsu was left to his own devices. A carriage rides up and Natsu’s fist immediately catches fire. 

“Please, don’t attack,” the man driving says. “I heard the commotion and came to see if I could help. She looks badly injured, so you should ride with me to the nearest town.” 

“If you try anything funny,” Natsu says. 

“I won’t, I swear.” 

Natsu gently picks her up and puts her in the carriage. He climbs into the carriage and Happy settles down next to Lucy. 

“Watch her for me,” Natsu says. 

Happy nods. 

The ride is slow and agonizing for Natsu, not just because of the motion sickness. He keeps wondering if he patched up Lucy well enough for her to make it to the hospital. When the carriage comes to a full stop, Natsu perks up some. He gets Lucy inside, Happy flying close behind him. 

Lucy wakes up to bright light. She looks around and Natsu’s asleep in the chair next to her bed, holding her hand. Happy’s in his lap, sleeping on his back. She also notices the equipment and guesses that she’s in a hospital. The last thing she remembers is fighting those guys with Natsu. She sits up, accidently pulling her hand out of Natsu’s. He blinks his eyes open, then smiles. 

“You’re awake,” he says. 

“How long was I out?” Lucy asks. 

“Only a day. Wendy made the trip down and healed you once we were able to get a message to Fairy Tail. Apparently the whole mission was a setup to get to me.” 

He sounds angry, so Lucy puts her hand on his. “Hey, I’m okay.” 

“Yeah, but you could have not been.” 

“But I am and we dealt with the people.” 

Natsu nods, even though he doesn’t look any less angry. 

Erza walks in. “Good to see that you’re up, Lucy. The doctor said that you’d be good to go once you woke up. Do you feel up to leaving? If not, we can stay longer.” 

“I’m fine, Erza. I feel great thanks to Wendy healing me.” 

Wendy runs in and hugs Lucy. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Lucy!” 

“Thank you for healing me, Wendy.” 

Lucy glances back at Natsu and he seems to have chilled out, which is good. Lucy spends the next couple of minutes talking to Wendy while Natsu’s waking up Happy (who is less than thrilled to be awake). Happy notices that Lucy’s awake and flies over to hug her. 

“Hey, Happy. Did you take care of Natsu?” 

“Always,” Happy answers. 

“So we’re good to head home?” Natsu asks. 

“Yeah, let’s head home,” Lucy says with a smile.

[sun-stricken]

I hope this isn’t too much of a bother but do you have any hcs abt grays time in avatar? Cannon is frustratingly vague about his time there. Have a nice day!

i totally thought i responded to this days ago holy shit its been a minute

I havent read or watched the avatar arc in forever, and refuse to do it again so i played it a bit fast and loose with the dynamic

This gets a bit dark, just a little forewarning

* if you asked the mages that shared his time at avatar, Gray had earned the reputation of someone callous and cold and untouchable, who didnt get his hands dirty

* he used more charismatic techniques to obtain information, or fear, but it was rare to see him physically harm them

* If you asked Gray about his time in avatar, he wouldn’t give you a straight answer, if he gave one at all

* Avatar knew who he was, for an undercover mission he wasnt under a whole lot of cover. He was sent in as himself, his “cover/backstory” was a lot of half truths and a warped narrative

* He climbed through the ranks faster than expected, which caused a lot of rumors and speculation, such as maybe the ‘Higher Ups’ were so enthralled by an ex-light guid member turning over they rushed him through, or he did something so heinous they were impressed, or maybe he slept with them

* there were a lot of rumors.

* Of course, most arent true, Gray just had more to offer than the average person

* In most dark guilds / cults there are ‘trials’ of sort to prove someone loyalty, hazings of sorts

* He had to go through them ten times over

* It lasted weeks, around a quarter of the time spent at Avatar was his ‘initiation’

* There were certain points where Gray thought they might actually break him

* He refused to use his ice-make magic during his time in Avatar, he couldnt bear using Urs magic for something like this

* He developed these piercing migraines from his eyes constantly darting around his surrounding, and he rarely slept

* Avatar wasnt a inherently paranoid guild, but it was protective and unrelenting, being caught as a traitor was terms for a public violent execution

* There were two other alleged traitors in Grays time there, when they were accused they were tortured and executed in front of the entire ‘guild’

* and he wouldn’t allow himself to even twitch in case that set his own death in motion, It just served to further his reputation

* He never told Erza about this.

* Despite his reputation, the untouchable aura he gave off proved attractive to some people, they thinking being seen fraternizing with someone like him would earn them some respect, and given some of the rumors surrounding him, they thought he would reciprocate

* He didnt, for obvious reasons, and he often left the more handsy and assertive with frostbite and frozen to the ground for hours

* He had bi-weekly check-ins with Erza so he could relay his and their progress and so she could gauge his mental state; Gray gave her watered down versions of the things hed seen and endured during the months he was there unless it pertained to what she needed to close the operation

* He and Erza had a system where he would call her and she would help him smuggle out any victims Avatar took for information or as a message

* He had killed once while in Avatar, it was a man they were ‘interrogating’ who couldn’t provide anymore information and they couldnt just let him go, so they entrusted Gray taking care of him while they watched, it was a test to see if he would, it was as fast and humane as killing someone can be but he will never ‘get over’ it

* He can still remember exactly how he looked, how he sounded, down to the smallest detail

* That was what almost broke him

* He didnt draw it out, it was fast and clean, which was another reason for his ‘doesn’t get his hands dirty’ reputation

* He tried to live by the ‘the ends justify the means’ principle, he survived Avatar by doing what he had to, regardless of what that was that was

* He tried so hard to help himself cope with it, but he just couldnt no matter how hard he tried

* Even though he acted annoyed when the rest of his team burst into Avatar and tore down his whole operation, he was relieved, so fucking relieved he didnt have to stay any longer

* The transition after Avatar was, for lack of a better term, fucking terrible. there was a lot of panic and guilt and paranoia and dissociating to get him through it

* He trained his instincts to act to the slightest trouble, which would be fine considering every movement towards him before was trouble

* But hes back with his friends now, with the people who wouldnt hurt him. So instead of being proud of his reflexes all he feels is panic and guilt

* Gray was constantly searching for an exit and always kept one open and in sight, and would forget he was with safe people and lash out if they blocked one

* Months following the reformation of Fairy Tail held a lot of blanks for Gray, his brain in an attempt to finally protect him would have him go on autopilot, dissociate. He did this a lot early on after Deloria but he thought he ‘grew out of it’, clearly not

* His sleep got even worse after Avatar, he thought the familiar environment would help him but it only made him more on edge

* He knew what could happen to them if he let himself sleep at the guild, the thought of something happening while was taking a fucking nap was nauseating enough that his brain wouldn’t let him let his guard down enough to feel tired

* And sleeping at home was out of the question completely, if a dark mage decided tonight was the night for vengeance against him for tearing apart their cult, how could he defend himself if he was asleep?

* This was fine for a while, but when the adrenaline crash of no longer actually needing to be on guard 24/7 and the weeks of no more than half an hour (involuntary) naps caught up to him, it caught hard

* i mean, it was brutal, collapsed at the first moment of relative peace he came across, it felt almost like withdrawal, with a lot of sleeping

* in some ways he feels so fucking angry and almost betrayed by Erza for asking him to go undercover for her, for making him go through everything he did. But he knows if he didnt its possible she wouldve, and he would do it all over again if it meant that wouldnt happen.

* In other way, hes angry at himself for letting himself get to this point, for letting them break something in him like they did.

* He’ll realistically never be able to go back to before, never be able to trust people, his friends, truly and without reservation again

i hate the avatar arc sometimes but it provides such good material

[owlelite]

It’s COMPLETE please enjoy flicker of flames

[lulushults]

and if i say natsu yearns to sleep on lucy’s chest so he can feel her heartbeat? and if i say natsu clutches lucy close every time he sneaks into her bed because hes terrified future rogue will appear and take away his one and only person? and if i say lucy pretends to be mad but secretly struggles to sleep unless a single body part is touching natsu’s incase his cursed demon side takes him away for good? and if i say they both slumber with happy smiles and soft sighes because they feel the safest around eachother and only eachother?

[wuffgang-ameowdeus-moozart]

hey you know how layla was a really good celestial spirit mage? and how a big part of being a celestial wizard is responsibilty and integrity and obligation and contracts? and how layla was canonically teaching her daughter how to grow up to be a good spirit mage herself?

anyways wondering whether Lucy ever stayed awake at night terrified that her mother only cared for her out of duty

[shiiro-arts]

-Fears-

I feel like I've been neglecting my AU so, here you go! a REALLY rough sketch. Very angsty too, of course :)

[bumblebeehug]

*throws this your way like scraps to a hungry animal*

The washing and working part went easy. Well, no, calling it easy wasn’t completely accurate. She had to shower every day, scrub her body raw with rough fragrances, just so she wouldn’t have Natsu’s smell lingering. Not that it actually did linger, but it felt like it did. Like he was everywhere, ingrained in her very DNA. It took a lot of scrubbing to ease this, even if the feeling never completely left. Even though she told herself it was just a phase, she knew deep inside that it was bordering on compulsive behaviour – she just didn’t have it in herself to face the discomfort of facing the obsession, so she gave herself grace. It would pass, she told herself, but for now it was fine to be a little bit neurotic. When her skin cracked and bled from the dehydrating habit, Wendy helped to heal her up again. She counted herself lucky. The other thing that went smoothly was the working. ‘Smoothly’ being used liberally, of course. When she wasn’t cleaning every crevice of her body, she found that missions filled any dangerous silences in her brain. They kept her occupied and solved any rent-related issues, which was a good bonus. It was nice getting away from sympathetic or wondering stares in the guild hall, just getting time to herself. Besides, when she couldn’t get stronger mentally, she’d get stronger physically. The week-long missions at a time added up, and though she still struggled to eat with the same heartiness, she still managed to expand her magic capacity. A silver lining, she told herself. Eating was a struggle, and so was sleeping. Food had lost all joy, as it only reminded her of him. It was one of his favourite things after all: how couldn’t she connect it to her best friend. Ex-best friend, to correct herself. Anything she put into her mouth, no matter how great it looked or smelled, tasted like clay. Her energy took serious damage from this, and her health did too – though she didn’t care about her health nowadays. But, it made sleeping easier, as her body still sought ways to replenish her energy, picking whatever source that seemed more available. When she forced herself to eat, her sleep took the hit instead. It was the same nightmares she’d always had – about her mother, her father, her loss of both, destroying Aquarius’ key, the guild disbanding, and Natsu leaving. The dreams about Natsu were the worst. They made her wake up with tears cutting through her already dry skin, and had her running to the bathroom to empty her convulsing stomach. Her entire body seemed to reject Natsu’s absence, shivering on the cold tiles, the taste of vomit coating her mouth. She missed him so much she sometimes thought she’d actually die.

[beargyufairy]

Realizing my phone has no charge

Realizing my exam is next week

Realizing Fairy Tail will end one day…for good