#low motivation that i dont end up soing anything

[biolums]

god i really just am. so mentally ill that i barely function as a person

[tokkiwrites]

𝚄𝚗𝚋𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚑 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚄𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝙼𝚢 𝚂𝚔𝚒𝚗. (4)

mom's fiancé! joel miller x f! reader • series masterlist

Summary: Your mom's new fiancé, Joel Miller, is the kind of man you could never shake out of your mind—rugged, rough, and embodiment of your long-buried fantasies. He's been your next-door neighbor for years, and the crush you harbored through your teenage years never really faded. Now, he's with your mom, and they're planning to get married. You should want her to be happy, but you can't ignore the tension growing between you and Joel. It's something that was never meant to happen. But as you uncover Joel's true motives for being with your mom, you realize maybe your feelings weren't one-sided after all. And maybe, despite everything, you’re the one he really wants.

Tags: stepcest kind of, age gap (reader is in her mid 20s and joel in his mid 40s), forbidden romance, emotional conflict, slow burn, sexual tension, complicated family dynamics, heartbreak, Joel being an emotionally complicated bastard, ANGST, cheating, infidelity, betrayal, talk about divorce, talk about not wanting a child, ANGSTTTT, (marjorie being a mean bitch but also a great plot device!), trauma!!! reader has daddy issues, but dont quote me on that.

/ᐠ - ˕ -マ⁩ authors note 𑁯 ✿ im baaack !! the second to last part is here!! how do we feel so far? IT'S GOING DOWN!! one more chapter, and we will find out if anyone will get a happy ending. who knows.. maybe we'll make a spinoff of this? anyway, this is 3.37k words, so the shortest of the bunch butbi didn't want to add unnecessary smut :') HOPE YOU LOVE IT! not proofread soo if you anything spelled wrong umm close your eyes.

“Glad you could make it,” Marjorie said, closing the door behind you. “I thought we could have a little chat.”

“What do you want? was it really necessary for us to come here?” Joel asked, his tone edged with irritation. "Wouldn't want more people to see us now, right?" She leaned back against the counter, crossing her arms. “I think you both know exactly what I want." You exchanged a worried glance with Joel, trying to gauge how serious she was. “What are youㅡ?” you asked, your voice trembling slightly. Marjorie pushed off the counter and walked towards you, her heels clicking sharply against the floor. “I want you to share him for a bit." she said bluntly, a cruel smile twisting her lips. “You’ve had your fun, but it’s time to let the grown-ups play too. Besides, it’s only fair, isn’t it? After all, we can't let your mom find out about you two..." Your heart sank. “You can’t be serious,” you said, laughing as disbelief washed over you. “Oh, I’m very serious. If you want to keep this little affair of yours a secret, you’ll have to comply with my terms. I’ll tell your mother everything if you don’t.”

“Why would you do this?” Joel’s voice was low, but you could hear the anger simmering beneath the surface. “Because it’s fun, Joel. Because I can. And because your little fling is just that—a fling. I want you back, and I’m not above playing dirty to get what I want.” You felt sick, caught in the middle of a game you never wanted to play. “This isn’t fair,” you whispered, feeling the tears prick at the corners of your eyes. “Life’s not fair, sweetie,” Marjorie shot back. “You should know that by now.”

Joel stepped in front of you, a protective stance that made your heart swell and ache at the same time. “You don’t have to do this. You could just walk away, Marjorie. You’re better than this.” She laughed, a sound that was anything but lighthearted. “Better? Oh, darling, I’m far from better. I’m just getting started. So, that's the deal. You decide now.”

You felt the world around you spin as Marjorie’s words sunk into you like a bullet. “You’re a terrible friend,” you spat, rage and hurt flooding through you. “Your mother is the one who’s a bad friend,” Marjorie retorted, her eyes narrowing. “She knew how I felt about Joel. She knew we were together all those years ago. And yet, she had the audacity to marry him anyway.” Tears burned at your eyes as her words cut deep. “You’re just bitter because he moved on,” you accused.

“Bitter? Maybe. But I’m also vindictive. You’re standing in my way, and I don’t like it.” Joel’s hand squeezed yours tightly, and you could feel the tension. "Oh, so that's the only thing keeping you away? the fact that I am with him and not that he's your best friend's husband?"

"Didn't stop you, honey. And she's your mom." As Marjorie’s laughter echoed around the room, a twisted sense of triumph in her eyes, you felt the walls closing in on you. She was ready to play this game to the bitter end, and the stakes were too high. “Fine,” you said suddenly, surprising both Joel and yourself. “I’ll think about it.”

Marjorie’s expression turned sly. “Good. You have until tomorrow. Make your decision, and let me know. I’ll be waiting.”

On your way back home, the car ride was silent. You turned to Joel, his face a mask of frustration. "What now?" You finally speak up. “We’ll figure it out,” he promised, but the doubt lingered in his eyes. The gravity of the situation bore down more intensely than ever before.

When you got home, the air felt suffocating and so cold at the same time. Your mother had gone to bed early, and joel decided to spend the night at his apartment, closer to where he worksㅡ again. the stillness of the house was a stark contrast to the storm of emotions raging within you. You wanted to scream, cry, and run away from everything that was happening. But instead, you collapsed onto your bed, staring at the ceiling as the reality of your situation washed over you.

The next morning brought with it a sense of impending doom. You felt like you were walking on a tightrope, and the slightest misstep could send you tumbling into chaos. Your mother chatted about her plans for the day, seemingly oblivious to it allㅡ her daughter was fucking her husband. But you couldn’t focus on her words; all you could think about was Marjorie and the ultimatum she had laid before you.

As the day wore on, the burden of your decision weighed heavily on your chest. You knew you couldn’t keep Joel, your mom and Marjorie happy without sacrificing something monumental. The thought of losing Joel made your heart ache, but so did the thought of being betrayed by your own mother. Hours passed, and by the time your mother left for a gathering with her friends from work, you felt like a coiled spring, ready to snap. “I’ll be back late, sweetheart,” she called over her shoulder, and for a moment, you felt that flicker of guilt in your very sould again.

With the house empty, you sank into the couch, pulling out your phone and staring at it, waiting for Joel to text. The minutes turned into hours, and just as doubt began to creep in, your phone buzzed, a message from him lighting up the screen.

• Meet me at our spot?

Your heart raced, and you felt a surge of trepidation.

• I’ll be there.

You arrived at the secluded spot by the river, where the world felt far away. Joel was already waiting, leaning against his truck, the setting sun casting a warm glow on his rugged features. When he saw you, a relieved smile broke across his face. “Hey, you,” he said, pulling you into a tight embrace. You melted against him instantly, feeling the warmth and safety of his presence.

“I don’t know what to do,” you admitted, pulling back to look into his eyes. “Marjorie is insane...”

but maybe so were you.

“Don’t worry about her,” he said, voice steady. “I won’t let her hurt you. We’ll figure this out together.” But even as he spoke, you could see the doubt flickering in his eyes. “She wants me to share you with her, Joel, what the actual fuck?" you whispered, the words feeling heavy and bitter on your tongue. “She can’t have you. You’re mine.” But then reality crashed in, and you felt the tears prick at your eyes. “What if she really tells mom?” you asked, desperation threading through your voice.

“Then we’ll deal with it. Together.” his hands were cupping your face, thumb brushing away a tear that had escaped. “I love you. You know that, right? No matter what happens, I’m not going anywhere, baby." but the words felt hollow. “What if this is all my fault?”

“It’s not,” he insisted, his grip firm, eyes fierce. “We’re not doing anything wrong. We love each other. That’s what matters. ain't nothin' wrong with lonving somebody."

yeah, your mom's husband.

You wanted to believe him, to let those words wash away the doubts, but all was a threat and it loomed large, an insidious whisper in the back of your mind, reminding you that love alone might not be enough to shield you from the consequences of your actions. "Mom wouldn’tㅡ she will not understand, Joel. She’ll be devastated.”

“Then we’ll figure it out together,” he said again, his voice firm, but you could sense the uncertainty lingering beneath the surface. “We can go to her together and explain it all. You’re everything to me, baby, you know that. this is just a lessonㅡ people will always try and come between us.” Just like you came between him and your mom.

You wanted to believe him, but fear clutched at your heart like a vice. “What if she gets angry and takes it out on you?” Even now, he was all you cared about. The thought was unbearable. “I can handle it,” he said, determination lighting his gaze. “No one is going to make me not love you, babygirl.”

Finally, you took a deep breath, searching for the right words. “I have to go home.” His expression shifted, disappointment mingling with concern. “Are you sure? We can stay a little longer—”

“I have to think. About everything.”

maybe love won't save it all.

The walk home felt like a thousand miles, each step heavy with dread. You replayed everything in your mind. was it really worth it? Was Joel worth it? Was your mom worth it?

the house was quiet, the only sound being the faint ticking of the clock in the hallway. You slipped inside, the darkness wrapping around you like a shroud, and paused for a moment to collect your thoughts. Suddenly, the silence was broken by the sound of the door opening. You froze, your heart racing as you turned to see your mother step inside, her face illuminated by the hallway light. She looked tired but happy, her laughter still lingering in the air as she made her way toward you.

“Oh, sweetheart! You’re back!” she exclaimed, pulling you into a warm embrace. You inhaled her familiar scent, a mixture of lavender and home, and felt a surge of guilt wash over you. “Hi, mom,” you said, your voice betraying the turmoil inside you. She smiled, but it faltered as she took a closer look at your expression. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I... it’s nothing,” you replied too quickly, the lie tasting bitter on your tongue. Your mother’s brow furrowed in concern. “You can talk to me about anything, you know that, right, ladybug?” A lump formed in your throat, and you fought to keep the tears at bay. “Yeah, I know.”

This was it.

The moment where everything hung in the balance, teetering on the edge of no return. You knew what you had done was wrong—there was no denying it. No sugarcoating, no excuses. But as awful as your betrayal was, letting her find out from someone else, someone who wanted to hurt her for sport would be even worse. It would be cruel, cowardly, and the final twist of the knife. The only thing you could do now, the only thing that held even a shred of dignity or decency, was to take control of the narrative. To tell her the truth yourself. Not because it would fix anything—nothing could. but because it was the last way to show her respect. The last chance to do something for her that wasn’t tainted with deceit or manipulation.

You owed her that much. Even if she hated you forever, even if she never looked at you the same way again, it would come from you— not from Marjorie or anyone else who wanted to see her destroyed. You had already broken her heart, but you couldn’t let them shatter her spirit. Taking a deep breath, you steadied yourself. It felt impossible, like standing in front of a firing squad, but you had to do it. The power had to be yours. This was the only way to make sure she knew the truth wasn’t a weapon someone else could wield against her.

You looked at her. If you’re going to lose everything, at least lose it by owning what you did. Not by running away.

“Mom, can we talk?” The words rushed out before you could second-guess yourself. She turned, her expression now serious. “Of course, honey. What’s on your mind?” You hesitated. You wanted to tell her everything—about Joel, about Marjorie, about the love that was blossoming in the shadows. You had to. “Just... something.” You started biting your lip.

"Something?" she pressed, her voice calm but with an undercurrent of concern. She stepped closer, her eyes searching your face as if trying to read your thoughts. “What’s going on, sweetheart?” Your chest tightened, the truth pressing down on you like a boulder. “It’s about Joel,” you blurted out, unable to stop the words from spilling over. Her face stiffened at his name, her posture straightening. “What about Joel?” she asked, her tone sharper now. The air grew heavier with each passing second, the silence between you stretching like a chasm. "Did he do anything to you?" her worry was obvious.

"N-no..." You swallowed hard, trying to steady your voice. “We’ve... been seeing each other.” The words were heavy and raw. Her face shifted, confusion and disbelief warring for dominance. “What do you mean ‘seeing each other’?” she asked with a laugh, though you knew she understood exactly what you meant. “I mean we’ve been... together,” you admitted. Her face twisted. “Together?” she repeated, the word snapping like a whip. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“I’m not,” you said, tears welling in your eyes. “Mom, I love him.” Her laughter was harsh, bitter. “You love him? Joel? My husband? Your stepdad?” Her voice cracked with fury and pain.

You hated to hear that. You hadn’t realized quite yet who he was to you. "He's not my dad, momㅡ"

“How long has this been going on?” she interjects. “Since... before the wedding,” you confessed, and the words hit her like a physical blow. She staggered back, her hand flying to her chest. “Before the wedding?” she repeated, her voice trembling. “So you’ve been lying to me this entire time? Both of you?" Tears streaked her face, but they did nothing to soften the anger in her eyes. “How could you? How could heㅡ ?!” Her voice rose. "Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?" her voice cracking. "It's not a joke, Mom," you said, your voice trembling. "I didn't want this to happen, but it did. I—"

"Didn't want this to happen?" she cut you off, her eyes blazing. "You expect me to believe that? That it just... happened? His dick just fell into you, right? You betrayed me! My own daughter, with my fucking husband!" She threw her hands up, pacing the room like a caged animal, her anguish filling every corner. “You’ve destroyed everything—everything! How long have I been the fool, sitting at home, playing happy family while you... while you—”

“Stop it!” you shouted, your voice breaking. “You don’t understand—”

“I don’t understand?!” she snapped, whirling to face you. “You don’t think I understand betrayal? You don’t think I know what it feels like to be stabbed in the back by the two people who should love me the most?” Her chest rose and fell rapidly, her breathing erratic. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” you said desperately, tears spilling freely now. “But I love him, Mom. I love him.”

“You love him?” she echoed mockingly. “You love my husband? Do you even hear yourself? What kind of daughter—what kind of person does this?” The venom in her voice stung, but you couldn’t back down now. “I’m not proud of this,” you said, your voice quiet and steady. “But it’s the truth. I love him, and he loves me.” Your voice rises again. She stared at you in disbelief, her jaw tightening. “Loves you?” she spat, her tone dripping with scorn. “Is that what he told you? That he loves you? That this is some grand romance and not just another one of his selfish, disgusting whims?”

“Stop it,” you said quietly, but she pressed on, her anger building like a storm. “Do you even know him?” she hissed. “The real him? Or are you just blinded by whatever lies he’s been feeding you? He’s a liar, a manipulator, and now he’s turned my own goddamn daughter against me.”

“You don’t know anything about us!” you shot back, your voice rising to match hers. “You think you’re the only one who’s ever been hurt? The only one who’s ever felt unloved? You don’t understand—”

“I don’t understand?” she interrupted, her voice rising to a shout. “What don’t I understand? That you’re selfish? That you’re reckless? That you’ve thrown away everything we had for... for him?” The words hit you like a slap, but they also ignited something inside you. “You don’t get to stand there and pretend you’re some kind of victim!” you yelled. “You’re not perfect, Mom! You’re not blameless!” Her face twisted in rage and pain. “So now this is my fault?” she demanded. “You’re blaming me for your choices? For his choices? You’re unbelievable.”

“I’m not blaming you,” you said, your voice trembling with emotion, as you were sobbing. “But you don’t get to act like you’re innocent either. You’ve pushed people away your whole life, and now you’re acting surprised that someone finally—"

“Stop,” she said coldly, her voice low but dangerous. “Don’t you dare try to twist this around. Don’t you dare try to justify what you’ve done.” The room fell silent for a moment. Finally, she spoke again, her voice quieter but no less filled with anger. “I gave you everything,” she said, her voice shaky. “I sacrificed everything for you. And this is how you repay me?”

“I know you didn’t want me,” you suddenly snapped, the years of buried hurt rising to the surface. “I always heard you fighting with Dad, saying I was your biggest mistake! Isn't that why dad left?" Her eyes widened, stunned by the shift in the conversation. “What?” she said, her voice barely audible. “I know,” you repeated, the words spilling out like a dam breaking. “I heard it all. I wasn’t deaf, Mom. I was a kid but i wasn't fucking stupid! I knew you never wanted me.”

Her face hardened, a mixture of guilt and defiance flashing across her features. “Of course, I didn’t fucking want you!” she shouted, the admission slicing through the air. “I was twenty years old! I didn’t want a kid, and guess what? I can’t change that! I can’t just grab you and shove you back into my fucking uterus, can I? But i didn't abandon you, Iㅡ"

“I already knew that,” you whispered, your voice hollow. “You didn’t know,” she snapped, her eyes blazing. “You didn't know shit! You’re just trying to make me the bad guy so you can feel better about the awful, disgusting thing that you did.” The room seemed to pulse. “I didn’t mean for this to happen,” you said, tears streaming down your face. “But it did, and I can’t change it.” She shook her head, her hands trembling. “You have no idea what you’ve done,” she said, her voice breaking. “You’ve destroyed everything. Our family. My marriage. Everything.”

“I’m sorry,” you said, the words feeling inadequate even as they left your lips. “I didn’t want to hurt you, but I can’t help how I feel.”

“You’re just like him,” she spat. “Selfish. Just like your fucking dad."

taglist ⭐️ ㅡ @eviispunk @joeldjarin @whimsiwitchy @guelyury @untamedheart81 @dollyxzy @mybvalentine @am-3-thyst @klajmekk @cuteanimalmama @corinnedollete @vickie5446 @gabymalikk

[justwater4meeeeeeeee]

hi water!!

im so embarrassed to say this since youre like my biggest inspo but ive gained 4 kg since october and ive been binging for weeks on end and i just need some motivation because i keep failing and i dont know what to do :(

hi friend, if you are trapped on a binging cycle I really recommend you to try this:

1. Forgive yourself and accept the fact that you’ve been binging. Yes it happened, and we can’t do anything about it to go back in the past and changed that. What we can do instead is do better, now, today.

2. Don’t try to restrict too heavily because you’ll be setting yourself for failure. It all starts with the head, if you tell yourself many times after binging (I will do 500 calories now and not more) by the time that you do it you might be able to achieve it but if you slightly go higher than you wanted is most likely that you’ll end up binging again since “well I already ate over my limit, I’ll start tomorrow” lies. So try to start with a higher calorie intake, make sure you know on how much calories you are binging, count every single calorie.

3. Now that you know how many calories you consumed start with a higher calorie intake. Let’s say that you binge in 2k calories, then start with a 1,500 calories limit, and if you slightly go above then make sure is not over 2k and then start lowering your calorie intake 100 by 100. Ofc cut every single liquid calorie, it won’t make you full, so don’t have it.

4. Make smart swaps, find a low calorie version of food that you tend to binge on. And ofc get ride of all the food that you binge on.

5. If you catch yourself binging, spray perfume on the food. You won’t want to keep eating it because of the flavor.

[tooth-butter]

hi

ive been binging for past few days and i dont know what to do now...

i was supposed to lose weight and now im gaining it

i dont have enough motiviation because i am not that fat or sth and my friends are constantly telling me that "few calories more dont count and i can eat how much i want to because i am already skinny"

AND IM DOING IT EVEN IF I DONT WANT TO 😭😭😭

When it comes to b1nging, what I find tends to work is keeping yourself away from high c@l foods, and instead having high volume, low c@l foods around, so that if you do end up b1nging, it’s not as bad, and you most likely will stay at or under maintenance. But if you can’t do that I recommend just doing a workout (maybe one off YouTube) every day, or even twice a day if you have the motivation, as that would help work off the c@ls from b1nging. Personally, I don’t really recommend purg1ng, because then you may lose some essential nutrients which could really fuck up your body, which really hinders long term loss and maintaining your gw. if you’re losing motivation to keep going, I’d recommend counting to your weight before eating anything (a classic, but soo good to make you realise that you don’t need that food), and have your fave spot type saved to your phone, so that you can quickly look and get more motivation. About your friends, I’d recommend telling them that you’ve already eaten if they offer you food, and then if out and everyone else is, get a drink in an opaque cup, and pretend to sip on it for a bit before throwing it out when they’re done. This is what I tend to do because nobody notices, and that way you have no c@ls. Also, if you know you’re going out and your friends are definitely getting food, I’d recommend making that a OMAD day, because then you can still eat without looking suspicious. Hope this helps, and stay safe <3

[cinnamonsly]

hey sly, when do you plan to open up your shop again? i accidentally lost the stickers i got from you and wanted to order more at some point :) (plus it never hurts to have more stickers!!)

ahhh i’m sorry to hear you lost them :,) i’d like to open the shop back up soon but i am still unfortunately just. so so low on motivation to do anything. unfortunately i dont think thats going to resolve any time soon seeing as this is usually about the time every year my mental health tanks a bit (where my seasonal depression homies at) so i apologize 😭😭 hopefully after the semester ends i can get back on that?? seeing as ill be in an off-semester and should have more time. sorry for the kinda not fun news ;_; ill definitely keep yall updated tho

[theveryfires]

10 things i hate about you | eddie munson x reader

an: hi there lovelies! Apologies that i have taken such a long break from writing. I have recently finished university and with my dissertation and essays i ended up having no time to actually write anything worth while! for those that have stuck around, thank you for your patience and for those that are new, hi! This is essentially the full version of my earlier piece titles 'crush' that i posted months ago! i hope you enjoy and as always if there is anything i can do better please dont be shy to let me know!

“What’s got you all riled up this time, Munson?”

Gareth’s voice felt distant, drowned out by the sound that had been distracting Eddie since he stepped foot into the cafeteria. His eyes were fixed on the table a few feet away from his own domain. Populated by the slightly more socially acceptable nerds, they would probably be cool in college. All dressed in the same thick knit jumpers, deep blue denim flares, wild hair. He squinted, almost wincing as the sound seemed to grow to a crescendo. There you were, one hand clutching your stomach, close to tumbling out of your chair, the other hand covering your mouth and completely useless at muffling your laughter. it almost bubbled, tinkling and pouring, coating the rest of the usual lunchtime white noise in a thick syrup like blanket. The air had almost turned to honey, and nobody else seemed to notice. Tears were sliding down your face, glasses seconds away from falling off your nose. Eddie’s chest felt cramped, his face growing hotter when your eyes met his for a brief second.

“Not what, dear Gareth. But who.”

Eddie’s rivalry with you was well known throughout the Hellfire club. Although his reasonings were not as widely known, not even to Eddie. There was no definitive motive, no moment in time that started all this distaste. He simply didn’t like you. You had been aware of one another throughout your time at Hawkins middle and high school. Something about you had always given him a headache, made his palms itch, his overall being sweaty. All of this coming to a head when you accidentally walked in on a extremely important Hellfire meeting. You had cut your hair, it was shorter and your glasses had glowed in the low candlelight. He remembered distinctly the way you tripped over your words as you apologised, the glimmer in your eyes as you mentioned something about fire regulations. Your voice was teasing, pulling him out of his seat when he abruptly stood up. It had kept him awake at night, plaguing his dreams for weeks on end. Of course you occasionally caught his deathly glare, but it always softened slightly. The usual cold brown some how warming. You had just figured he was glaring at the jocks that sat a two table’s over. Of course you were unaware of your rivalry with the infamous dungeon master. Totally clueless.

“Is this about Temple of Doom again man? I don’t get why you don’t just bring it up with Keith.”

Eddie couldn’t quite believe that you worked at Family Video. For so long it had been a place of safety and comfort, until he had walked in to find you sorting through the horror section and chatting away to Robin. You were chewing on gum, from the looks of the lurid pink it was watermelon flavour, his favourite. He had never seen you with your hair tied back, little strands falling about your face and practically begging to be pushed back behind your ears. Robin and Steve had actually got a bit worried when they didn’t see him every afternoon like usual, quickly picking up on the fact he only came in when you weren’t working. Eddie had been going in virtually everyday asking after the new Indiana Jones movie. He was convinced you had somehow figured out he wanted it, and cooked up some plan to keep it from him. But Steve told him the actual truth, that you had booked it for three weeks specially for Dustin’s birthday. “Personally i couldnt watch a film that many times but…well you know Henderson.” Eddie had nodded absentmindedly, his eyes glazed over with a strange look. “How does she know Dustin?” His voice had sounded strained, piquing Steve’s interest as he raised an eyebrow. “She’s his babysitter, his actual official babysitter. Has been since I’ve known the kid.” Eddie had only known Dustin a month or so at that point, but it did something to his chest knowing that you cared that much. He continued to complain to Gareth about you, of course…to keep up appearances. But something was different.

“What? Oh no that…thats sorted now.”

That was another thing that he hated, you were always doing stupidly kind things for people for no apparent reason. A week or so after mentioning the whole Temple of Doom saga to Harrington, Eddie had been, as he described it, accosted in the student carpark. He had just pulled up, giving himself five minutes before dragging himself to English where you would surely be already waiting. On top of everything you shared quite a few classes with Eddie, meaning he didn’t really ever get a chance of not being around you. He always knew when you were coming, the telltale smell of coffee that had too much cinnamon and not enough sugar intermingling with your vanilla perfume seemed to surround you. Drifting down the halls, clinging to your locker, english books, pens. He knew this because you often let him borrow a pen and a spare book when he forgot them. But that morning he was surrounded before he had chance to prepare himself. A blush had attacked his face, tinging his ears that luckily were hidden under his mop of curls when you appeared suddenly in front of him. Eddie had watched you eye the cigarette in his hand, caught in the way you inhaled a little deeper, breathed out a little slower. He was left illiterate, only managing to just keep his cool whilst he raised a ever bored eyebrow in your general direction. He had smirked when you sighed, rolling your eyes and shoving the box towards him. “Steve mentioned you were ‘hankering’ for this. Technically i still have it for another four days but…i think if Dusty watches it one more time the tape will break. It’s all yours.” You hadn’t even waited for a thank you, already turning on your heel and walking away. Leaving Eddie with his mouth open, cig caught on his lip and smoke tumbling out of his mouth. He hated the way you left him feeling, all red in the face, heart racing, like an idiot.

“So, what’s the problem?”

Eddie was certain he hated you, was completely convinced of the fact that there was a high chance of you hating him too. But after the past few months, after being forced to actually spend more than the usual minimal amount of time with you, hate didn’t feel like the right word. You treated Dustin like a little brother, actually all the kids clearly looked up to you. You were always on time for picking him up, but never complained about staying a little later. Eddie found himself loving those sessions more than anything, sneaking glances at you as you watched wide eyed at the world of Hellfire. But he had hated you, all through school he had found every inch of you irritating. From the little crop tops you wore in summer to the grandpa jumpers that appeared in the winter. He had hated you for the way you made him feel. Setting him alight every time you were near, making his stomach twist and churn when you caught his eye, god help him if you ever spoke to him properly. And yet…and yet all that was changing. He hadn’t even realised it until Erica had made a pointed comment after catching Eddie drooling over you during one of the later Hellfire meetings. “Are you just gonna sit there all goo-goo eyed over Dustin’s babysitter or are we actually gonna play, I’m missing a key episode of MLP for this yknow?”

“It’s…complicated.”

A few days prior, Eddie had passed you on your walk home from work. He had been driving back from a gig at the hideout, his headlights illuminating the downpour as he slowly made his way back through Hawkins when he spotted you. You were drenched, hair sticking to you face, clothes practically moulded to your body, shoes sodden and squelching on the pavement. At first he had just drove past, only making it a few feet up the street before he reversed back down the road. Robin and Steve had taken the afternoon off to take Dustin to some science fair with Mike and Lucas. Leaving just you and Keith to lock up. Usually you were fine with that, but it left you with no ride home as on that particular day your own car was at the garage. A perfect storm, resulting in you having to brave the autumn downpour on the thirty minute walk home. “Are you crazy?!” Eddie’s voice had scared you, nearly making you slip as you turned to see him staring at you wide eyed from the safety of his van. Eddie watched you turned your face towards the sky, a soft smile taking over the weak frown on his face as you basked in the downpour. “Possibly!” You grinned as you yelled back, an awkward moment growing with you only getting wetter as Eddie struggled to find the words. “Are you offering me a ride or not Munson? Not that it isn’t lovely to chat but uh…” He barely nodded but it was enough for you to run round and jump into the passenger seat. Eddie had glanced at you, frozen and suddenly unaware as to what to even say never mind do. He worried he had forgotten how to drive under your stare. “Theres…theres a spare t-shirt in the back if you…want a dry one?” You had forgotten all about your wet clothes after getting into the warmth of Eddie’s van. The shock of realising just how see through your white crop top had gone making you laugh as you happily accepted a new shirt.

“How could it possibly be more complicated?”

The whole drive back to your house Eddie had felt..strained. He could feel your eyes on him, the gentle burning of them making the van feel uncomfortably warm. Every few seconds he let himself look at you, his breathe quickly being stolen as the sight of you wearing his shirt. A ‘Corroded Coffin’ shirt to be exact. He felt like his head was going to explode, and then you started talking and that only made everything worse. You were trying to fill the silence, not able to bare the awkward quiet. You were rambling, a habit you and Robin seemed to share. Going on about work, looking after Dustin, the latest project for English, whatever film you and your friends were going to see at the weekend. Eddie was drumming his fingers, scrunching his nose and dragging a hand through his hair as he forced himself to focus on the road. A frown on his face that he had perfected for when he was alone with you. “Sorry, am i annoying you Munson?” You had noticed more and more that not only was Eddie not listening but he purposefully was ignoring you. He had done this a few times in the past, but never so blatantly. Eddie was weird, but you had also seen the caring and lovable side of him over the weeks he had spent with Dustin. So why did you get the cold shoulder? For a second those hardened brown eyes melted to chocolate buttons, glancing over at you as if finally caught in the headlights. “You were rambling, and I’m…im trying to focus on the road so we don’t crash. I dont really want to die with you in the car, princess.”

“It’s just…theres…we uh…there uh…”

The lunch that had been sat in front of Eddie continued to grow cold. Gareths stare only hardening as he noticed a strange glazed look coat Munsons usual death cold glare. Eddie replayed the night in his head. The silence that followed his use of ‘princess’ , the painful wince that had flooded his system as he realised what he had said. The look on your face when he had finally worked up the courage to face you. Your face was hard to read, blank almost whilst trying to process what had just happened. Eddie Munson. Eddie ‘the freak’ Munson had just referred to you as princess, whilst he was giving you a ride home, wearing his bands shirt and from the smell of it, it had been worn by Eddie a few times over. The rest of the journey was haunted by a heated silence that came to a grateful end when the van came to a stop outside your home. Eddie remembered you’re stutter, committed it to damn memory as if one day it would save his life. “Thanks for the ride Munson, I uh, well i guess i owe you one.” There was a cheeky tinge to your words, only made clear by the small smile you sent his way. “I’m keeping this shirt by the way…until next time sugar.” Eddie had watched you walk into your house, his hands gripping the wheel with the might of Thor. He could practically hear his heart in his chest, feel the blood rushing around his body. He couldnt sleep that night, or the night after. He couldnt even focus on DnD. All he could think about was that little smile, the way you fitted his shirt like it already belonged to you, how normal it felt to have you by his side.

“Theres been a disturbance in the force of something man.”

Gareth dropped the sandwich he had been happily enjoying whilst Eddie stared off into the distance. He knew all too well what that meant for Munson. The freak was in some dangerous waters. And if the stolen glances you had ben sneaking over at Eddie meant anything, so were you.

[the-s1lly-corner]

angst m, n, o for pomni and/or gangle pleasee:3

Angst alphabet w/ Pomni (M,N,O)

YEEEEEAAAH ANGST ALPHABET!! i need to do better with promoting my alphabet stuff maybe ill reblog the posts for them every week or so idk.... for those who see this post you can find my alphabet posts linked at the bottom of the grand masterlist post in my pinned! prompts: misery, nightmare, opened notes: reader is GN CWs: grief, mentions of self termination thoughts via letting one abstract on purpose though its not dwelled on for long

MISERY

you had abstracted, and thats as good as being dead in the circus

one day you were here and the next you were a monster... can you blame her for being at least a little in shock after youre sent away by caine?

if she ever manages to pull herself back together, its clear that shes going to be changed forever by your absence- and its going to take a while for her to pretend to be fine

if she doesnt, and if she lets herself spiral, shes just going to abstract too

she wouldnt be lying if she said that idea seemed desirable, though

she would if she wasnt so scared, though

sometimes she stops by your door to talk to you, even though she knows shes never going to get an answer in return

shes angry with the situation, this isnt fair- you and her didnt know what you were getting into when you put your headsets on

the idea that you have family out in the real world who will never see you again, and will never know what happened to you only fuels her rage

at least it gives her motivation to get out, even if the chances of her finding your family is low

NIGHTMARE

she somtimes gets nightmares every now and then, much like the one she has in episode 2

they dont happen every night, but when she does have them she doesnt seek you out... youre sleeping, and she doesnt want to bother you

unless the two of you are sleeping in the same bed, shes going to leave you alone

and even then, being in the same bed doesnt mean all that much

you can ask her to talk about her dream, but shes going to gently reassure you that shes fine and theres nothing to worry about

with enough time to let her dreams wear her down, though, shes eventually going to spill to you

she doesnt exactly want comfort, she knows its not going to help all that much

so, offering a distraction may be best... you two typically end up staying in bed and just making small talk

OPENED

she doesnt do it maliciously, she doesnt even do it to try to win the argument... it just comes out, before she can stop the words from coming out but just because she didnt really mean to, it doesnt make the fact she hurt you any less apparent

she doesnt double down, instead she tries to backtrack- whatever the two of you were arguing about doesnt even mean anything to her anymore, she wants to undo what was done right now

she gives you time to collect yourself when it becomes clear that you need time, she gives one last "sorry" before giving you space

shes beside herself and shes disgusted with herself for using your insecurities and secrets against you in the argument, the moment you show some sign of being ready to talk shes going to let you know how horrible she feels for hurting you

she makes it clear that she didnt mean to hurt you, and shes going to do anything to prove that shes being honest

its going to take some time for the tenseness and awkwardness to fade away, but pomni is dedicated to making things work... though, thats not her call here is it?

[mailjeevasfan]

hi! love your work <3 can i request some headcanons about living with matt and mello (together) it can me romantic or platonic, i dont mind either way ! tysm :)

that pic came out so low quality for some reason

thank you so much :’) i tried to do a mix and include a little bit of romance for each but i’d say it’s mainly general/platonic. i reaaaaally self indulged here

-matt and mello x gn! reader

༺♡༻

living with matt and mello hcs ❦

matt

-messy asf. he doesn’t do it on purpose but he’s just so unorganised and has a messy room and just causes chaos wherever he walks. that being said, he does know where everything is which pisses mello off SO MUCH. mello also routinely berates him for his mess

‘matt, what the hell is this on the counter?’

‘umm… the end of a cigarette?’

‘WE HAVE FUCKING ASHTRAYS FOR A REASON.’

-he is probably the one who is at home the most. he doesn’t like going outside, he just sits in and plays video games or watches tv. he only does anything productive if he reaaally has to

-that being said, you have to drag him out sometimes to avoid him getting too depressed from just sitting doing nothing for days. if you can’t motivate him then mello will gladly accept the challenge and come through without fail.

-matt is deeply appreciative of how thoughtful you and mello are, as roommates but also as friends. how well you know him, how easy it is for you to see what he needs when he’s at his lowest. once, (probably when he was drunk) and falling asleep on your chest, he expressed this out loud for the first time and you almost wanted to sob at his words. he comes off as someone who’s always so casual and sometimes maybe even awkward, so hearing this was a shock but a good one.

-if matt isn’t sleeping or sitting on the couch playing video games, he is probably lying on the floor or just doing weird shit. i can imagine mello coming home and just seeing matt doing a handstand against the wall, watching something (5 minute crafts) on his phone on the floor.

-dyes his hair often and changes up his look very frequently, so very often you find yourself following the smell of cigarettes only to the open bathroom door and find matt looking like patrick bateman due to him washing off his hair dye in the sink (cigarette still lit in his mouth, it’s basically a party trick at this point)

-whenever you have to go out he drags you back to bed and holds you as tight as he can with a smirk on his face

-whether you’re a smoker or not, you often light his cigarettes for him and it ends up being a much more intimate gesture than you anticipated. mello tells you to get a room

༺♡༻

mello

-he’s out of the house the most between the three of you but that’s kind of a given. lots of work to do you know being in the mafia and all, that kind of casual stuff…

-idk where i’m going with this or how to even explain it any more, but he always makes a conscious effort to keep alcohol in the house at all times like he is always just coming home with a bottle of something

-has lots of cool rock/metal posters in his room and when he’s not in his usual leather clothes he’s wearing band tees (u and matt steal them frequently and he pretends to be mad)

-honestly i want to say (solely for comedic effect) that he absolutely despises the smell of cigarettes in the house. you’ve never seen desperation like the kind mello exhibits when he begs matt to PLEASE SMOKE OUT OF A WINDOW.

-there is 100% a designated cupboard that is full to the brim with chocolate. all the same brand, flavour, type, whatever. literally everything. it’s all identical.

-when he’s feeling down about messing something up, even if it’s the smallest thing, he gets really really emotional and will immediately go to his room. he probably doesn’t cry often unless it’s angry tears but he doesn’t want even his most trusted people to see him like that. however you always know what to do, you leave him be but then convince him that he should let out his thoughts later, in a kind way of course. matt also helps him to feel better at times but you’re definitely there to bring him his chocolate and give him lots of hugs and kisses. he doesn’t speak too emotionally, but i can imagine a very soft ‘thank you’ after you help him

-blasts metal at 9am. no further comments

༺♡༻

both/all three of you

-matt cuts mello’s hair and mello occasionally dyes matt’s. matt gets so into it he thinks he’s a little hairdresser. they’ve also given each other piercings, they have about a 40% success rate. they’ve offered to give you one but you very politely decline. you always have to supervise in these situations because god knows what is going to happen with these two

-it is extremely common to have mini sleepovers in each others rooms. this is another thing that matt just gets a little TOO into, he wants the full shabam. he’s looking for matching pyjamas, chick flicks on the tv, endless snacks, and pillow fights. by that i mean he just starts relentlessly beating you and mello with a pillow without warning

-matt likes to shake you and mello awake at an ungodly hour and declare that you are going for a drive. he never actually plans anything for these drives, sometimes you don’t actually do anything but you enjoy them nonetheless. however it is extremely hard to get mello out of bed at a time he hasn’t decided on.

-you do the cooking, purely for everybody’s safety. mello likes to think he’s gordon ramsay but he fucks up the most basic things. matt is just a natural hazard with most things

༺♡༻

[ganondoodle]

I just wanna say firstly that i adore your artwork and takes6on Zelda in general! Secondly, much as I wish you never had to deal with the frustrations of creating (especially when you tack on the stress of being on any kind of social platform), I'm glad you talk about your struggle. I've heard people talk about art block every day since I learned what Art was, but nobody ever mentioned "painting oneself into a corner". It's such an apt description that is so infuriatingly relatable that I had to stop eating to thank you for putting it into words. I really appreciate that you're willing to talk about your setbacks in a place like Tumblr, and still share your arts and thoughts. All the best from US of hellscape A, i hope you're doing well.

Thank you!

i used to call it artblock as well, its the most normalized term i guess; i randomly started calling it painting myself into a corner when i got stuck or frustrated on a painting bc welll, it sure feels like it, you painted the walls all around you and dont know how to get out now

it usually happens when i stop having fun and just draw what i want and instead keep subconsciously forcing myself into arbitrary rules; in my case its usually trying to be too perfect, i try to adhere to the sketch, i try to make every block of color have a perfectly clean edge, separate the drawing into way too many layers and am afraid to delete or erase anything, i tense up my whole body as frustration builds bc of impatience as this method of painting does not work for me at all and in the end lose motivation on it all and my nerves are stretched thin (i work best when i think as little as possible, just kinda loosely letting my hand do what it wants on few layers and no specific plan, after losing that its hard to get it back)

having those low moments with your art is normal as your skill grows, but even knowing so, and having gone through it countless times, it never stops making you feel like shit, and its especially frustrating when it happens when you just got enough time to work on stuff or have alot of ideas but you cant get it to work

(and funnily enough it also tends to happen after another work of mine got more attention than i thought .. even worse when it was just a sketch bc now i got the pressure on me to actually finish it and the fear of it doing worse once done looms over the whole thing- which doesnt mean i dont want people to interact with my wips, bc that also has an extremely demotivating factor to it bc it makes me think no one cares or it sucks and doesnt deserve the time i would need to spend on finishing it; also .. alot of my wips stay wips forever, which is fine, but like .. you cant always expect a finished tm version to happen)

i do find it a little funny you praise me for talking openly about it bc i am notoriously unable to shut up ever and only recently got better at NOT talking as much about it when i feel as shitty as this bc it doesnt really help anyone and gets annoying really fast xD (im also notoriously unable to not post absolutely everything bc i got no one to show it to and otherwise it will just collect dust on my harddrive so i might as well throw it out there no matter how much i might hate it, someone else might still enjoy it anyway)

and greetings back from the -not really much less of a hellscape- that is germany o/

[thetoaddaddy]

I dont think i ever really explained why I like the idea of Jiraiya living a more troubled/neglected childhood. Honestly I just like the juxtaposition of the rich girl from the most influential family, the tragic orphan full of resentment, and the white trash hick from the slums.

Have I hooked you? Long sorta in this essay I will type of explanation of my reasoning post. Trimmed so you don’t have to suffer through scrolling a big long post unless you volunteer to it. And I welcome reblogs with your own thoughts added to it or comments. I like having these kinds of discussions.

It makes for a fun dynamic and puts together three very different social classes that make up the Sannin and the most common 3 classes of society. Tsunade has everything from money, social status and livin in the rich how dare the neighbours put up an extra twinkle light we’re contacting the police neighbourhood. Orochimaru lost his family but lives fairly okay being a ward of the Hokage/state plus as a genius kid with potential to end the war with his big fucken brain and lack of empathy he would most likely be treated more special. Jiraiya hiding his money in the floorboards of his room cuz he knows his parents will steal it to buy into their addictions and he’s well aware no one really expects him to be nothing more than a failure.

Plus we don’t have any characters who have a troubled relationship with their parents in this way. Yeah we got dead parents and asshole cold distant rich clan expectations parent tropes. But not too much on poor and abusive. Which is weird cuz its pretty common to be low income with some garbage parents. (Not to say that’s the case all the time of course) Nor do we see much for alcoholism or similar addictions just ruining a family. The most he ever speaks about his parents in canon is that they were civilians. Kinda cold imo. Like I get that most likely kishi figured no one cares that much from where Jiraiya came from but that throw away line had me thinking and this headcanon came out.

So it’s pretty poetic that Jiraiya grew up full Glass Castle from a nothing neglectful civilian family and made something of himself with his own determination rather than being crutched with clan powers or high blood relations. He’s a nobody who proved people wrong and grew beyond his upbringing. His life we see on screen has always been pretty born under an unlucky star/he had to claw his way for anything he’s wanted and nothing was ever given to him. So it makes sense to me anyways that his early life was just as claw his way out from falling off the face of the earth. He could have just picked the easy way and not rise above being some drunk gutter rat that is just a direct product of his upbringing. But he focused on trying to get out rather than keep the cycle going. He picked the academy and proved he was not just above the curve but the grit he already had from surviving his broken home made for a determined courageous motherfucker. With that he became rich and renowned. All on his own.

I think that gives him more interesting motivation than the canon basically being ‘on my quest for pussy brb🏃‍♂️’ Like damn can we please uncreepy him kishi i stg. And I like to ignore his railroaded prophecy ass I must find my destiny stuff. That ruins his accomplishments. Honestly as a fairly empathetic person who grew up poor and hungry why wouldn’t he take pity on three war orphans and try to do good by them where he was never given that comfort? It’s far more compelling and interesting story than some crazy old toad told me to do it and I took those words so fucking literally it led the rest of my life.

I like to imagine he’s simply more wayward and never felt satisfied staying put(especially with all the horrible memories Konoha gives him). It also makes more sense for him to have this kind of chip on his shoulder over being some average guy who had an average upbringing. He can handle himself not just in battles but in dealing with the more uncomfortable situations like traveling through poor areas with the know how.

Like he knows how to speak crackhead and the slum folk clock him as one of their own. I wouldn’t call it street cred or anything. He just has the street smarts beyond that of an average person and it shows. Plus in some verses I like to think he travels hoping to find love as well. Can’t find one’s soulmate staying put in a village can they? ;)

Not every character has to be tragic I know. And this is just what I think. You don’t have to agree with me or accept my interpretations. He could have easily just brushed off the subject cuz he keeps people at an arms length. Which he does for the most part.

But I feel like with the Sannin era we were left with such well cooked and seasoned snippets that it became kinda frustrating that the rest was kinda undercooked or plain still in the damn deep freeze. So we get brain zoomies and try to fill in the big ass gaps. I want to know how three of the most interesting and important ninja of the shinobi world grew up. It’s fun to imagine and make these types of interpretations. Even if it is answered one day in a mini series or a book, I’ll still probably prefer what I and my moots cooked up. Cuz honestly we put more care and deep thought into these characters than kishi does at this point 😭

[myaoiboy]

The Boss being John's emotional pillar and base to what he thinks relationships are supposed to be like/end up really fucks him up and i dont think people talk enough about that...

and yea she definitely slept with him at some point and all that, theres so many implications that she was more than one thing at the same time (master, mother girlfriend thing) and it just makes sense yknow? I wonder if part of his attraction to Ocelot is motivated by the fact he looks so much like her,,,, ouch

Anon you have no idea how much you fed my brainworms today lmao

Like, we definitely know the Boss and Snake were involved. We hear people talk about it on Mother Base in V, and when asked if she was his lover Snake doesn't deny it but says it was "deeper than that"

But ALSO Kojima literally said this:

so I mean idk maybe we're all crazy and The Boss would never fuck the kid she picked up as a replacement for the one the Philosophers stole, and we're the sick ones. lmao.

I love The Boss bc she really is this all-encompassing icon of femininity and nurturing (naive Maiden/mature Mother/wise Crone roles vs Lover/Mommy Figure/Mentor) while being completely untameable. You've heard of a domestic housewife? The Boss is a feral wildwife.

And then you bring me to the thing that I think is the most hair-pulling, teeth-grindingly tragic thing about Bosselot: the fact that they're just perpetually loving *past* each other. Big Boss wants a solution for his mommy issues, and Ocelot just wants to be seen and cherished, even used, for just a fucking taste of love and appreciation from Big Boss (that he doesn't even get in death, god i will cry about this forever).

The worst part is, Ocelot is by far the Boss's son that has the most inherent capacity to be most like her, but he has neither the environment nor the inclination to foster that in himself.

If he had ever listened to anything BB said, he would know that the fact that he lived with the Boss as an equal, someone who challenged him, was exactly why he loved her. He had the capacity to be exactly what BB wanted, but instead he went the low risk/low reward route of making (or trying to) himself indispensable as a tool, a weapon, an attack dog for BB to command, a possession instead of a partner.

But it's better to be appreciated by the love of your life for what you aren't than potentially lose them for what you are, right?

Also the same people who want to talk about how Bosselot is the better mgs3 ship bc of the mommy figure situation totally ignore the fact that that makes them like...adoptive brothers? Wouldn't be a Kojima game without a strong undercurrent of incest themes.

[skloomdumpster]

fic asks

Thank you @leadingrebel and @dr-lizortecho for tagging me!

·

How many works do you have on ao3? Between all my accounts I have 212 fics.

What’s your total ao3 word count? In skloomdumpster is 759,511 but in total of all my accounts is 909,749

What fandoms do you write for? Fate: The Winx Saga, Supernatural, Daisy Jones & The Six, Fast & Furious, Teen Wolf, Harry Potter, MCU, The Vampire Diaries, The Order (not anymore for the tiny ones)

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

ABCDEF-U

You, Me and The Brickwall Between Us

On The Down Low

3 AM

Bait

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Nope, I always wanna respond but then I get the Anxiety and then too much time passed so answering now would be weird and rinse repeat for every single comment.

What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

If we're talking just ending, then I'd say either Voicemail, Treacherous Nature or Meeting The Parents.

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I write a lot of romcoms, so Not Mad About It, you make it look easy, On the down low

Do you get hate on fics? Nope, but sometimes I get unsolicited criticism.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yes and idk what kind? Kinky stuff, love-making, hate fucking, bad lame cringy sex, you name it, I've written.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I've written a Fast&Furious/SPN crossover oneshot that I really liked and a The Vampire Diaries/Teen Wolf one shot too, but I dont write crossovers anymore and it has to be really well set up for me to read one.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yep!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! And once they translated it from portuguese-br to portuguese-pt and that was very fun to follow.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yep, plenty.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Skloom

What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Anything Bloom comes to mind, because I just can't find the motivation. Between The Lines because I doubt anyone would be interested and I made my peace with it long ago. Cabin Fever because canon kinda fucked me sideways with this and I'm very into sticking to the canon.

What are your writing strengths?

Channeling characters motivations and voices. Writing the body language of characters.

What are your writing weaknesses? Writing group scenes, descriptions of mundane activities, graphic whump without falling into melodrama, making the world my characters are in feel real and not like a novela.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? All for it, and I dont think a translation is even necessary right next to it, if the context is strong enough to give us the understanding. Add the full translation at the end notes though.

First fandom you wrote for?

Narnia, I think. I wanna say Harry Potter, but I vaguely remember writing Chronicles of Narnia fanfic at recess in my little notebook.

Favorite fic you’ve written?

Toss up between: The Soft Animal of Your Body, A Merry Fucking Life, How The Night Changes, Once Broken and The Burned One

(sorry that's too many, but I do have 200 works let me be greedy)

[cpunkwitch]

answering my own questions

[pt: answering my own questions]

dont really get sent anything and not many people sent in the questions when the games were posted and reblogged, and i wanted to talk about stuff, so here we are.

this might end up being a multiple part post series?

ask game one (link)

(if comfortable) tell us about your condition? as much info as youre comfy with sharing.

i have a defect in the base of my spine, since i was born its caused me chronic pain all throughout my development and in recent years its only gotten worse, twisting my spine, headaches, jaw issues etc. i've also got highly suspected rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and ive been diagnosed with a pretty bad case of anemia so bad that everytime a doctor looks at my results after bloodwork they give me a pained look and say "heyy...did you know your iron is low? like...really really low?". that and a hand full of other things, vitamin deficiencies, etc. i dont mind talking more about this

2. do you know about the spoon theory? if yes, what do you think of it?

i'll be honest, the majority of my knowledge of spoon theory off the top of my head is that "drawer with limited supply of spoons" is the disabled way of saying i only have so much motivation and energy (phys, as "battery" usually refers to social and emotional) in me. i've read up on it ages ago but would not be able to put into better words what i still remember about spoon theory (esp since we had a different host back then), i like that its just so much quicker and easier to convey my amount of ability to do things for the day by saying whether or not i have the spoons for it.

i do like to joke that my drawer is always stocked with knives and forks for the ablests, but sometimes that requires spoons to handle too. /silly

3. do you have mobility aids? if yes, which ones? if no, do you want any in the future?

i've mention how i really wish i could have a wheelchair if i were in a different situation, i dont know if i'll ever get one and i almost cried when my brother responded to my joke of "would you make on for me?" with an "i would if i could", i really would like a wheelchair of some kind in the future if the world were more accessible and i were in a safer place. right now though, i've just got my cane that still needs repainting. i guess my moms back brace counts too, i take it with me to work sometimes.

4. how did you find out about cripplepunk? what drew you to the community and movement?

i dont exactly remember but i've known about it for years. i (prev host) might have come across it looking up different punk aesthetics, though im not completely sure why it showed up in a punk aesthetic list, possibly because its punk and people misinterpreted it? my first glimpse was seeing patches on jackets, spiked customized aids, cripples/phys disabled people in your classic punk attire (piercings, dyed spiked mohawks, ripped jeans and fingerless gloves) and i loved it. im a sucker for self expression through appearance and customizing things and then when i found out it was a whole community for support and centered around being physically disabled in general and slowly came to terms with my own disabled body and started accepting myself, i kinda fell in love with cripplepunk in the "this feels like home" sense.

i could probably ramble way more but i'll stop there.

5. if you deal with any kind of pain, what's your method of pain management?

i use hot packs, ice packs, voltaren cream, sometimes i take a cbd gummy, i do little stretches when i remember them, i take walks and hot baths/showers, im trying to go back to the chiropractor and my favourite instructors in rehab (theyre trans friendly and complimented my cane when i first came in with it i love them so much), and i take whatever meds i can, normally anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen but because i cant swallow pills i either take liquid (yeah, childs liquid meds works, the couple hours of mild relief is still worth it) or powdered tylenol or something. the hot/cold stuff depends on the pain and where on my body the pain is.

6. do you stand or sit in the shower or do you prefer baths/find bathing easier rather than showers?

i take baths for my muscles and during the damn monthly ouch in order to relax my body. i take showers just for my shoulders and when im feeling icky and wanna rinse off or something, i take showers on a "regular" basis and i normally stand because the only way i sit is if im crouched in the tub and if i do that i get extra dizzy standing up to get out when i turn the water off. thankfully im no longer near passing out when i take a shower but i still have to sit on the floor matt after because my legs demand rest. i gotta be careful with hot water cuz not only will it make me overheat quickly (i will not realize if in standing in blood-boiling hot water and turning myself into a cooked lobster until after im out) but it can also cause me to literally fall asleep in the bath which can go wrong.

7. do you have a sort of comfort item or safety blanket that helps you feel better, especially on the worst days?

a couple things. a few of them are stuffies/plushies, or music, games or books to help me keep my mind off it i suppose.

8. name 3 things you hate about hospitals/doctors/nurses/the medical system

a) a lot of them refuse to take people seriously or actually listen. sure maybe theyre tired or heard the same shtick before and wanna make sure this person isnt just a drug user trying to pity their way into getting more, but even then all matters a patient presents them with should still be taken seriously and never brushed off or mocked.

b) the fact that the er, the place you take a ticket and wait, is called the Emergency Room, when its normally scheduled appointments and people taken in by the ambulance that are top priority. sure its called the er because most visits through the er are rushed "emergency" last minute visits, people going there because they couldnt schedule an appointment and needed to see someone on that day, but still it feels wrong to call it the emergency room when its really just a waiting room and regardless of the visit they arent actually treated as emergencies. the whole system of just going to see a doctor feels messed up and most of the time you end up just going to see a nurse, get a check up and leave when they tell you what they got after a talk and examination or they schedule to see you again when a doctor is available. because of this i tend to prefer walk in clinics.

c) the fact that they charge to damn much, no matter if youre insured, it still charges so much. no matter what they do. and yeah, healthcare in canada is free to an extent if youre insured but a lot of times they charge more than your insurance can cover and not everyone can get/has insurance. not to mention the medical debt so many people have in america. i get that staff and hospitals need pay and funding but the government should have that covered and not have the patients charged so much for getting help. i almost got charged over 3k just for my short visit to the ward because there was an issue with my insurance and thats a whole angry story for another time.

9. whats an accessibility tool you wish was more accessible/that you had access to?

one of them is aac, the one i have on my phone i have to disconnect my phone to and has a limited amount of phrases i can pick from. id like it better if the app or just aac programs in general when directly to your device speaker by default, had more options for more ease conversing and none of them were behind a damn pay wall, in-app purchase or otherwise. i rarely use it for several reasons but i'd love if i could use it more with less limitations.

also wheelchair ramps. i dont have a wheelchair ramp but i wish people stopped walking on them when theyre clearly able-bodied, i wished my parents taught me and my siblings what the ramps were for and not to run up and down them as well as other parents to their kids because those things are supposed to be clear for a wheelchair user. i also think the corners should be rounded for ease of turning and that wheelchair accessible paths in general should be firm to the ground (not a wimpy matt on the sand that flips over and gets buried on the beach unmaintained), maintained and cleaned regularly, not have any gaps (ive seen so many of the small ones installed in doorways that have a height gap above the ground which causes trouble getting the wheelchair on the ramp let alone through the damn door) and not have railings made of metal if theyre outside (they can often reflect light into peoples eyes and get too hot to touch in the sun both of which are not good issues to have no matter how small they seem.)

those are at least the first to come to mind.

10. whats the worst accessability cockblock you've seen ableds do/make?

theres quite a few i've seen but atm nothing significant comes to mind other than overpricing mobility aids or placing paywalls in front of aids in general.

however there was the few times in more than one school i went to you had to go to the office, provide a 'valid' reason and ask them for a key to the elevator, otherwise they make you take the stairs. i know they do it because they dont want able-bodied kids messing with it n shit but its stupid, it should be accessible to everyone regardless. thank fuck both collages ive been to so far give free elevator use to any staff or student but in the schools i went to i was only allowed have the access key because i couldnt walk up the steps on my sprained/twisted ankle and i had to give it back at the end of every day. the last school even limited my use to just the morning or 1-2 periods that i had on the second floor. nevermind if my locker was up there.

11. whats an accessibility tool youre very thankful for?

screen readers. my little brother uses/used em more than me and i dont use them too often but im glad they exist in general i used them when i was younger and my english teachers gave us work on the computer, i used it like an audiobook and it helped me majorly. i hate that people dont always provide translations to things and make things harder on screen readers by using coloured, tiny, non-serif font-ed or 'quirked' text but ever since i was a kid i was just as happy they existed as i was about braille.

12. name 3 things you like about hospitals/docs/nurses/the medical system

a) that there are some people there who are actually hoping, willing and ready to listen and help others.

b) that they provide things for kids like toys in the waiting room, people who specialize in caring for kids in the hospital, some doctors even have their office decorated. one doctor i went to had her entire office winnie the pooh themed and it helped me out a lot when i got blood work done n stuff, it was really comforting to stare at pooh bear instead of the sharp pokey in my arm.

c) that things are usually kept quiet with low voices, as it reduces risk of overstimulation as well as avoids hurting anyones head and protects privacy of those talking about whats going on. voices are usually only raised to a normal talking level when in the privacy of a nurse or doctor office and its something i dont see really acknowledged anywhere.

13. do you have any favourite disability rep? (media or character)

not picking from my own sources, when it comes to physical disability rep, its hard for me to pick something that involves a realistic character because most of them arent very well portrayed or i cant personally relate to. i can list Freddy freeman as one, hes a crutch user and how the shazam movie portrayed him does well in expressing what ableism can be like for some visibly disabled kids in school. i could probably list some shows that handle disability well through other means if i thought of them, i know theres a few that handle it through super heros being disabled (the one spider-person who's got both a wheelchair and a cane from the recent spiderverse movie for example) or non-human characters having differences that are implied to be disabilities, and i adore that creativity, especially with showing disabled super heros as it tells disabled kids theyre still strong, not broken, they can still be cool and do great things just like able-bodied people. hard for me to name specific things off the top of my head though, guess i like specific tropes around disability rep more than anything. it helps normalize disability and thats what really makes me happy with it. (thats a big reason why i made @/your-fave-is-crippled)

14. least favourite/worst disability rep?

not phys disabled but sia's fucked up movie right off the bat still angers me. i cant name any specifics once again, normally if theres some rep that i dont like i purposely forget they exist to begin with, they arent worth remembering if they arent gonna do it right, y'know? id rather forget and move on than linger and rage about it if i can help it.

15. list some creators (youtubers/bloggers etc) that are disabled and/or cater to a disabled audience that you enjoy? (if any)

@crippled-pvp, @cripple-culture-is are a couple blogs i follow that i enjoy seeing on my dash (sorry if you dont want to be tagged!)

there was a deaf/hoh girl i used to frequent the content of as she talks a lot about signing and i really enjoyed her videos, shes such a sweet person but i never remembered her name nor any of the other creators i watched/followed. no one else comes to mind atm

16. favourite aspect about the general disabled community?

i like that there are people with advice at the ready, whatever question you have or info you need etc, theres always going to be someone with the words you need. i just like how helpful people can be in general in this community and how easily support is accessed through the community.

17. least favourite aspect about the general disabled community?

the fact that theres in-fighting, fake claiming, judgment, quick assumptions, and general internalized ableism still going on when we're supposed to be a community helping each other out not tearing each other down. im not just talking about the fight over "inclusion vs exclusion" on cripplepunk and other sub/separate communities in the disability community.

18. favourite aspect about cripplepunk?

i think my answer to "what drew you to cripplepunk" also answers this.

19. least favourite aspect about cripplepunk?

honestly? none. i hate the people forcing themselves into a space not meant to include them nor benefits them in the first place. i cant actually think of an issue i have with the cpunk community, only issues with people outside being upset over how "exclusive" it is because they want in.

20. free space:

feel free to ask me about any of my answers! i'll make a second post for the second ask game some other time. its currently 11pm and i have to get up early for morning classes yuck

[ID: banner reading "dni if... proship, transx/id, syscourse/discourse blog, anti-mspec lesbians/gays, anti-lesboy/turigirl more in pinned rentry. this blog is protected by the addams family, the de rolo family and co." in all black lowercase text. It has a grey cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms with a cobweb in the top corner and symmetrically flipped on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina with the same cobweb in the bottom corner :End ID]

[foxgod]

complaining

im being dramatic so disregard everything im saying but i dont think im meant to be an artist or have the title. i think i can draw okay but i have no technical skill and dont take it seriously enough not to mention all the stuff i wanna do, the stuff i spend all my time studying on, i havent even started doing. ive been needing to "start" these projects for the past 10 years and yet i cant even have the motivation to type out simple oc pages.

im not even saying "be an artist" in a professional sense but also a hobbyist. i dont feel spark in the process and everything gives me anxiety bc of perfectionism and the fact i should be way better at this age. i have such low enthusiasm for anything i put out bc i see AI accounts and art thieves rack up 100k followers in a week. i want to care deeply but i find myself loading up an art software, doodling, disliking what i see, and then just putting it away.

i used to do an art summary every year. this year is the first year to have gaps, multiple gaps, where i have nothing impressive to show or just downright nothing at all. ive built up so many ocs and worlds in my head that im still obsessed over, but its truly going to waste. i dont think im throwing in the towel, but i am at a crossroads. ive been having this feeling for like 2 years now and cant seem to make a decision on whether this is right or whether im fooling myself with big ideas. i remember growing up as a kid and wanting to join certain classes or clubs but soon enough when the time came nothing came out of it and i watch experiences pass me by. this is one of those times. *henry emily voice* end communication

[coldcrypt]

I'm marco, 26yo cis guy from UK. I got into weight loss because I wanted motivation to stop drinking around april 2022, and ended up bingeing and purging on avg 3 times a week for abt 6 months. I relapsed back into daily drinking (litre+ of vodka a day) and detoxed in hospital at the start of the year, but have been finding it really difficult to stop and stay stopped, so I'm back here. I've nearly died so many times recently from drinking and I just keep gaining/getting more and more swelling &bloating. If any alcoholics/bulimics have advice for someone who cant stop shovelling it in to get a sustainable deficit, I'd appreciate it a lot. My goal is to be safe about it, but I'm open to anything that works.

I'm experimenting with different methods of weight loss, sometimes fasting, sometimes rezzing, but am very inconsistent. I binge v often. This is not so much an accountability blog, more like recording what I've learnt and just venting. My bmi starting around may20th was 22 ish, was 5th june 20, 4th oct 22.5,and now 20.5 jan27th. Have to get it back to 20, but goal would be 18 with low body fat %. My main goal is to stop drinking and get healthier (thinner).

To do list:

get compression sleeves for running

Things that worked:

going to meetings make it much easier to abstain and think abt other things than food -> much easier rezzing

being distracted by things unrelated to food

having good food options for rezzing prepped, like boiled eggs, or having a solid stock of staples like steak, yoghurt, fruit and veg

not buying food that I will binge on, if I buy it, even if its not for me, I will eat it and get fat

taking longer routes/walking instead of getting train (energy, weather and mood permitting)

peppermint tea

keep it in the day. One day at a time really works, it just takes practise to get into mentally

supporting blood sugar throughout the day, especially if going out/socialising/towards the end of the day (when alc cravings pick up). This is best done with small amounts of carbs following a rly high protein 1st meal

Things that I was doing before but that didn't work out well:

taking K supplements (just eat s. potato for carb allowance, is filling too and has loads of K, stops palpitations when intermittent fasting)

pho, miso or gochujang as soup bases. They are too salty and lead to painful sluggish bloat.

Oyster sauce is not worth the cals

Diet sodas. Caffeine dependence builds really quickly and teeth need help

olive oil for sautéing vegetables. Pointless cals. Fats can come from lean meats like beef steak, eggs and occasional avo as well as omega3 supplements

fasting. At 18 hours I feel like I'm goin mental and at 22+ the palpitations make it uncomfortable to move around or do anything at all

strength training (esp core) at home without equipment. Dont enjoy it at all, not motivated at all

watching hours and hours a day of ED documentaries, scrolling ED tumblr, and watching hours of foodtube every day. Obsession -> binges

hard avoiding carbs. Leads to massive brain rot and feeling morbid. Can't do anything. Inevitable binges, usually alcohol, or 4000 cal of food.

sushi is not really worth it. White sushi rice is too sugary. Its usually a carb craving in disguise, or something to get on the go and is expensive.

weighing every morning just lead to trying to use caffeine as lax and more chaos on energy levels, or obsessing and not being distracted.

Press ups make my joints click a lot. Planking is really boring and doesnt feel rewarding.

Using sex for stim instead of food and cooking

Curious about:

feta, olives and cherry tomatoes for satiety.

Broccoli and mushrooms (annoying to prep or dont taste nice when boiled)

chicken sausages for cheap lean protein (think they can be a binge trigger or lead to mental scarcity feelings but not sure if worth)

ways to make cottage cheese not taste shit (cocoa powder is not cutting it)

cardio > strength training maybe. Runner's high > nothing from strength training (that I ever felt anyway).

Finding a way to enjoy strength training

yoga and stretching for stim

skipping breakfast has really mixed vibes. Can feel completely awful, but can also make rezzing much easier. Can also lead to binges in the evening (because there's unspent cals in the budget). Probably best to stick to eating breakfast but keeping it high protein and not eating right away when waking up.

Experiment with meds timings.

minced turkey or discount fish for lean protein variety

ways to make eating salad not miserable, cos it does work rly well for getting a deficit. (Maybe herbs and lemon and chickpeas? Make in bulk? Quinoa? Binge risk)

_____________

New plan from 4th Oct '23 can't be strict bc cant track exercise cals without a phone for looking at time spent walking and running so will need to do a gross-in instead of net- in quick basic (aspirational) plan:

1000 cal deficit/day for the next month -> 1500 gross in/day allowance

NO: baked beans, bone broth, oil, paté, pasta, alcohol, caffeine, quiche, cheese, instant snack food, pesto, chorizo, hummus, meal deal foods reason: too sugary or fatty for their worth in flavour. Cause binges every time when rezzing. Not filling enough. Caffeine leads to crashes and the pickmeup is usually food.

LESS: bread, onion, ketchup reason: can be useful carbs in a pinch, less likely to cause binges than above (because they are only accompanied with protein). Onion and ketchup help with mental scarcity and support good vibes

MORE: fruit, veg soup, sweet potato, tuna, s. noodles, fruit juice, avocado, egg, steak, quorn, butternut squash reason: sugar cravings need to be comboed with fibre addition, or fruit juice could be useful diluted for emergency alc cravings. Everything else is lean protein and should be frontloaded in the day. Sweet potato is there for potassium and low glycaemic index carbs. Avo and s. noodles are contentious bc of price and fat/nutritional value reasons

ALTERNATIVES TO EATING: gaming, reading, weighing, cleaning, brushing teeth, counting cals, weights, stretching, running, walking, meetings. mostly overeat because of boredom and to break monotony in free time or to stim. These are alternatives that work and also make rezzing easier in other ways.

[raspbeyes]

My speculation on motives (all possibilties)

Gonna be doing my take on the motives cuz i sure got a lot of thoughts!!

Also ofc content warning for topics of suic*de and self-h@rm, please click off if these topics are triggering for you

Now most have been revealed, here's the most updated scoreboard from episode 11

(srry if it's low quality) Anywayyy we are now down to five secrets yet to be revealed. However, the reason i mentioned "possibilities" is not just cuz the secrets we have left can apply to multiple people, there is also the consideration that david could have lied about his motive.

David goes out of his way to answer last, choosing to collect everyone's secret beforehand. The story goes out of its way to show David's hesitance, which means it is signficant. Moreover, he chose xander, someone who cannot defend themselves. It is very possible he wanted to check if anyone would reveal xander's motive before he can say xander. Finally, with the reveal of his manipulator motive, the possibility of him lying has increased.

Ofc that is speculation, but i do feel there is reason to doubt david's claim of xander having the "mastermind-y" secret. So i will go down the list under the assumption that the current scoreboard is correct AND if the current scoreboard is incorrect (as monotv said, these aren't correct, just what is agreed upon)

(edit from later, if you just want my conclusions, then just scroll to the end lol)

David Didn't Lie, The Scoreboard Is Correct:

To recap, people's secret we DONT have rn are: Teruko, Hu, Levi, Min, and Veronika

The people who refused to reveal the secrets they have are Hu and Veronika, while Xander, Min, and Arei are incapable of doing so (Idk why ughhhhh how uncooperative)

Secret In Min's Possession - The owner of the secret blames themselves for the death of the siblings and parents, feeling survivor's guilt

Teruko: Not possible. They are an orphan, and they seem to have only one sibling, which is the brother who left them. Teruko already divulged their family situation, so this does not line up

Hu: Unlikely ... Though we have not heard of anything of Hu having siblings (as far as I am aware). We do know of her parents, which is where she gets her butterfly motif from, but again, with no mention of siblings, it is unlikely

Levi: Likely. Out of the five, this can be the most likely. Levi has spoken of a mother, father, and brothers. He claims to be disowned , which can work as a cover for hiding the fact they might be dead, explaining why he lives alone

Min: Unlikely, since we have heard nothing of her having siblings, only her parents during the bonus ep.

Veronika: Possible. I don't believe we learned anything about Veronika's family, so the possibility is always there.

Secret in Xander's Possession - The owner of the secret is highly competative, going so far to poison their rivals

Teruko: Not possible. She's a lucky student, so she does not have a talent to compete against others. And from her personality, she doesn't seem to be a very competitive person

Hu: Possible. Her talent is something that can be put up against others, so competition may be something she faced. However, like Teruko, she does not seem to be a competative person at the moment, quite the opposite it seems

Levi: Not possible. Levi mentions that his talent is something he has taken up recently. Moreover, he's a personal stylist, so his field of work probably won't require competitions

Min: Likely. Her talent is of her being the best academically, which is a competative field (can school be considered a field???) Though we don't see her being competative, unlike Hu, she doesn't seem incapable of it

Veronika: Not possible. Her talent is being a horror fanatic, so unless it's her having some sort of "nerd-off" at a horror convention, I can't imagine her dealing with competition for her talent

Secret in Hu's Possession - The owner of the secret feels the need to self harm for fun, taking on the talent as a distraction. Since this belongs to someone alive, we also need to consider why Hu would want to keep it to herself.

Teruko: Possible, as she is wounded and has numerous bandages covering her arms and legs, which could be to hide s*lf-h@rm scars. With her previous life situation being so miserable, she has a good reason to take up talent as a distraction. The only issue is the phrase "for fun", and Teruko doesn't seem like she enjoys any of the wounds and injuries she's gotten, since she does try to avoid being injured when possible.

Hu: Not possible. I cannot imagine Hu doing something like that for fun. Moreover, Hu says during the first episode of chapter 2 that she has received someone else's secret, so she could not have recieved her own secret

Levi: Unlikely. He did take his talent recently, and he does have a dangerous past. However, he's described to have a "serious" nature, so for him to do something like that "for fun" is very low.

Min: Unlikely. Similar to Levi, Min has a very serious personality, who always seems focused on studying to go do something for fun. Procrastinate, maybe, but not for her amusement.

Veronika: Likely. Veronika mentions that her main motivation in life is not morals or ethics, but just pure entertainment and excitement. Out of the five, she is the least serious character, which lines up with the description with "fun".

I wonder why Hu would keep this a secret. All I can think of is that she is disturbed by it?? We see in episode 11 that she agreed to David's plan of sharing secrets and yet she refuses to disclose Veronika's (or whoever it may be). But Hu does say she wants to get through the trial without revealing hers, thinking it may not be needed. To me, kinda like Whit's refusal, Hu just doesn't want to expose someone.

Secret in Veronika's Possession - The owner of the secret is suicid@l, having been exposed to death before, and then attempted three times after. This secret belongs to Veronika, and honestly, there's not need for speculation. She's keeping it hidden because she thinks it is exciting.

Teruko: Likely, as Teruko has spoken of methods of hanging previously, making comments that imply she has experience. Her inability to be killed as she mentioned to Xander in ch 1 due to her extreme luck can explain "dying once" as Teruko having a near-death expereience and miraculously making it out alive . Coupled with her outlook that bad luck is ineviteble, she has likely been in the mindset to make several attempts

Hu: Not possible. Due to the broadness of this secret, it can be anyone who has experienced something like this, even someone as responsible as Hu could be ashamed of something like this. BUT, it cannot be hers if her hidden quote is related to her secret. It emphasizes Hu's will to live, meaning the opposite of this secret.

Levi: Possible. He does have a past he does not want to talk about, meaning whatever it is is negative, and he could have wanted to escape it.

Min: Possible, as it is broad and u never know when it comes to a secret of this nature

Veronika: Unlikely. I am only saying this since this is the one she possesses, and as far as I am aware, nobody received their own secret.

Secret in Arei's Possession - The owner of the secret is a killer without remorse.

Teruko: Possible. Teruko mentions that she has numerous shameful secrets. Though she does claim to have the knife armed in self defense, it still shows she has the capability of being violent. Another thing to mention about this motive is that it says nothing about the vicitm, who could have been maybe far less innocent than we might think

Hu: Possible. Judging by Min's unwillingness to reveal her secret (Even David questions if it is worse than his in ep 11), Hu's being something such as killing could be recontextualize her action. Again, it is possible this supposed vicitim isn't all too innocent themselves. Moreover, in her hidden quote, Hu (supposedly) affirms what she "did" by saying she wants to live, which can line up to having no remorse. Though, hidden quotes don't always parallel the secrets (I actually stumbled on another piece of evidence that i think is major later on but just scroll down to the next section to read abt it)

Levi: Unlikely. I'm only saying it is unlikely due to Levi telling Eden at the start of ch 2 that he wants to be a "good person" from his past, which could potentially be showing remorse. If that is the case, then Levi may not fit the description of "no remorse". Then again, in his hidden quote, Levi refers to his past actions as "heartless", so I'm not too sure

Min: Not possible. Judging by how she acted during trial 1, I can definitively say that Min cannot be a cold-blooded killer. She has expressed a lot of regret on killing Xander, so to have her somehow do something like that in her past makes no sense.

Veronika: Possible. Though I think Veronika is more to watch a murder without shame than to commit one herself. But that's just from my understanding.

David Did Lie, The Scoreboard is Incorrect:

If David did lie about Xander's secret, then I think it's pretty obvious what Xander's actual motive is, which is the motive Min has. Since this whole possibility hinges on David lying, then if someone alive had Xander's motive, they would have said something if David had claimed he had Xander's motive.

That leaves two possibilities of Xander's actual secret, either Arei's or Min's, since both are dead. And Arei's can immediately be excluded, as we see first hand in ch 1 how Xander reacts to killing Teruko, aplogizing right away and saying he not only hates murderers, but that he also hates the smell of blood. While that is somewhat shakey ground to argue on, since we don't know if he only regrets killing Teruko, there is also stronger evidence that min's secret is his. His hidden quote is "survivor guilt", which lines up perfectly with the description of the secret min has. His bonus episode also matches up with that description.

So Xander's secret is the one Min got. Working backwards, Min's is probably Xander's. If you look back up on the possibilities I made, the only two that could work for Min are the "poison" and "hopeless". While hopeless can be possible since we dont have proof saying otherwise, the poison one is the only one min can logically have.

Tho i also speculated it could be Hu. However, min doesn't match any others while Hu could, so I'm giving it to Min.

That leaves four more now: Teruko, Veronika, Levi, and Hu. I'm going to just say that Veronika's is the one about taking on a talent. Like I said previously, none of the other three seem to do something like that "for fun" and Veronika is the least "serious" of the group, so only that secret can fit Veronika.

So that leaves Teruko, Levi, and Hu with the secrets of "murderer without remorse" (Arei's), "hopeless child" (Veronika's), and "the reason for the killing game" (David's).

I'll start with the murderer one. Arei only mentions it once during the flashback in ep 11, saying it's none of david's business what secret what she got. Which ... isn't too helpful. Going over hidden quotes, Teruko's seems to refer to more to her mindset rather than secret, Hu speaks about not regretting a choice she made, citing it as a life or death situation, and levi speaks about his heartlessness. Again ... not too much help.

I decided to scan ch 2 of arei's interactions with these three, if she had any. She does speak to teruko during ep 4, and seems just as abrasive as always to teruko, calling her dumb. And in episode 5, she scoffs when eden and teruko walk into the playground. So I'm going to say that teruko is going to be marked off this list.

Though, she didnt have any interaction with levi or hu, i'll mention one thing. During her last appearance in episode 7, i remember finding it weird that arei gets her silent line of "..." here right after ace says to hu, "Oh, okay, taking sides with the murderer, I see! How admirable of you, Hu!". Now levi is also in the cafeteria at this time, so i could be wrong BUT ... for the creator to finally bring up arei right here should make whatever ace said about hu being important.

So i'm going to now say that hu in fact has the murderer secret. It could make david's line of saying that hu's secret being worse than his be foreshadowing. It also can explain why Hu, as david pointed out, agreed to the idea of sharing secrets but hypocritically doesn't speak about hers. It adds to her defending nico, as perhaps the person hu supposedly killed was cruel to her and may have threatened her life, so she feels no remorse for killing in self defense. she likely sees nico's attempt on ace's life to be similar to her case.

BUT! I'm not saying that hu is the killer in this case. MAYBE. But just cuz she has this secret doesn't inherently mean she manipulated nico into killing or that she killed arei.

Okay so that leaves Levi and Teruko with the secret veronika has and the secret david has.

Now teruko can have either reasonably, though I'm not too sure about Levi's. While mastermind Levi does sound cool, i just dont think he will have something like that narratively (but u never know). So I'm going to say that Levi has the hopeless child one and teruko has the "reason of killing game" one.

There is some good reason to think it is teruko's since the first scene we get is of an unknown figure wanting teruko dead. She has connections to Mai Akasaki, a mysterious figure connected to the killing game somehow. In ep 11, David tells teruko to spill his secret, possibly implying he knows (but he can also just want to have something over teruko or just distract others). Again ... it's shakey evidence.

Though, I don't want to call this the mastermind secret, as it only says the owner of the secret is the catalyst, not actively monitoring, the killing game

Levi is mentioned having a "dangerous past", which could refer to a near-death experience. It is clear his family life was not healthy, so that adds to the descriptor of being a "hopeless child". His hidden quote is

I always believed that a person is defined by their actions alone. But maybe that’s just a poor excuse for my heartlessness.

Heartlessness could be in refrence to making an attempt, where he could potentially be feeling guilt for not thinking of others?? It's definetely an enigmatic quote, as he is claiming his actions that will define him are an "excuse". So are these actions good or bad?? I'm not sure.

TL;DR

If David is not lying:

Dead Family [Min?] -> Levi

Poisoned Competition [Xander?] -> Min

Talent For Distraction [Hu?] -> Veronika

Hopeless Child [Veronika?] -> Teruko

Murderer W/O Remorse [Arei?] -> Hu

If David is lying:

Reason For Killing Game [David?] -> Teruko

Dead Family [Min?] -> Xander

Poisoned Competition [Xander?] -> Min

Talent For Distraction [Hu?] -> Veronika

Hopeless Child [Veronika?] -> Levi

Murderer W/O Remorse [Arei?] -> Hu