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blushinggray · 1 year ago

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change of plans: part 12 [final]

sero hanta x fem!reader

part 12/12 (part 11 | part 1)

cw // fluff. sappy, sugary, cavity-inducing fluff. slight angst, self reflection, implied sexual content. and last warning: fluff

a/n: finally at the finish line, folks!! tysm for sticking with me to the end and being so patient for this last part. i hope you enjoy it so very much. also watch out, bc this last part is about 17k

—

Hanta believes in love. He always has.

He's seen it in his family, his friends, in the movies, TV shows, photographs, books, everywhere. He'd say he's even been in love himself before. It was a wild and exciting adolescence, and they eventually grew out of each other, but it was real.

And because Hanta knows that it can be real, he knows that it's perfectly fine to take his time. He's a romantic at heart, but there's nothing wrong with having a good time.

If he’s learned anything from his family’s and friends’ relationships, and all the telenovelas his cousins made him watch in the past, it’s that it’s perfectly natural to take time to build a connection. As well for a little drama to crop up in the process.

So that's why he spends the first half of his college years playing the field, seeing what kind of style of love or partner he likes, building skill and experience.

It's not that he's afraid of commitment, despite what his reputation or body count might imply. It's more like... he hasn't really found anyone he's truly interested in yet.

Yeah, he's connected with plenty of people, charmed his way into the graces of many a pretty face, and he's diligent about his partners' pleasure — he never lets them leave with just one orgasm, if he can help it. And there have been a few that he comes back to once or twice.

But still, he rarely comes across someone who makes him think, "they could be the one."

Someone who could make him feel that beautiful thing he's seen shared in a tender kiss, or a soft hug in the kitchen, or worn hands kneading tortilla dough together, or a conversation over morning coffee.

That's not to say he hasn't tried before, because he has. He has plenty of tricks he's learned over the years from his family and friends all over the world to woo someone and give them a few more butterflies.

But it's not just about that. He has to feel it; that connection, that desire, that passion. It has to be real, and mutual.

And he's sure that when the person comes, he'll just know.

When he meets you for the first time, he barely has a clue.

He's at a live karaoke bar with friends. Usually there are always some drunk college kids who are willing to step up to the mic and entertain or annoy the room, but it's actually pretty dead that night.

Hanta's mainly here because Denki brought him to hang out with his other friends in the psych department. He's met Monoma and Tokage before, but there were a few new faces he was getting to know tonight, namely Shinsou and Honenuki — both of whom resembled zombies in laughably different ways.

In Shinsou's case, it was the dark circles that would make you think he had already died once. Probably because he's already working his ass off to get into the school's graduate program.

For Honenuki though, he just had a really sharp facial structure, like his skin was thinner than most people's so it'd make every bone in his face stand out. Hanta's always had big teeth and a wide smile himself, but he swears he could practically see Honenuki's molars when the guy smiled.

They were all cool though, and they knew a bunch of people around, so Hanta's introduced to even more new faces throughout the night. Many of whom are very pretty, he might add.

When he's spoiled for choice, he tries to take his time to see who's interested in some conversation first. Not that he's opposed to a dirty fuck in the bathroom every once in a while, but the night is still young.

So far, his attention's been taken up by this cute brunette twink with a small waist and perky ass. He's got a bunch of piercings in his ears and one on his septum. And he had "let slip" that his nipples are done too, which Hanta is always a fan of.

They're all having a good time, taking shots, getting drinks, cheering on whoever's willing to get up to the slightly raised, circular stage in the middle of the bar and grab the mic.

Hanta's got his arm around the cute brunette's waist — whose name is Riki, he's learned — a while later, helping hold him up since he's apparently a lightweight and already had two drinks. And with the way Riki's clinging onto him, Hanta's fairly sure he'll get to see those nipple piercings for himself later tonight.

Some point in the night, Denki is complaining about how no one's given a decent performance on stage so far, "Like, how come none of the acapella girls are out tonight? They love this place!"

"There's an acapella group at our school?" Shinsou asks.

"Yeah, but they're like, not an official school club or anything." Denki waves his hand, "They just sing together out in the quad or something. There's no big competitions to try out for like in 'Pitch Perfect.'"

"Oh yeah, I've seen them singing together out in the grass sometimes, too." Riki says, "I heard they're actually just friends from one of the local church choirs."

"Yeah, they are." Honenuki confirms, "I'm friends with a few of them, and they're pretty good. They post videos of them singing online sometimes that do pretty well."

“Sero’s pretty friendly with a few of them too, aren’t you?” Denki shoots a look over at Hanta, like a little shit.

Does he not see this cute boy hanging off of him right now?

“You should call them up and invite ‘em out here!” Denki suggests.

“Shut up, dude.” Hanta shakes his head, rolling his eyes, “I’m not that close with them. I don’t even think I have their numbers saved.”

He does. But calling up girls that he’s only ever slept with before when he might be sleeping with someone else tonight would not be the move.

"Honenuki, you should call them to come out then!" Denki moves on quickly, "This place is so dead tonight, we needa liven it up a bit."

"I mean, I can ask, but there's no guarantee that they'll come." Honenuki shrugs, but takes out his phone anyway.

It was a long shot, but by some miracle, one of his friends responds and apparently she's already out on the town at another bar with some of her own friends. So she said she'd hop over here since they were figuring out their next stop anyway.

And when a new group of about five girls show up to the bar, Honenuki waves you over. Hanta doesn’t recognize you or any of the friends you’ve brought along, which is a relief to him.

You lead your group over and get everybody introduced, though you and Denki already seem to know each other.

"We had a communications class together in freshman year." Denki explains.

"Your presentations were always hilarious." You chuckle at him, "You were definitely high during most of them."

"Oh shit, that obvious?" Denki laughs with you for a bit until eventually, he says, "But I didn't know you were part of the acapella group!"

"I'm not part of the church choir that most of the girls are in, but I'm friends with most of them. So they just let me join in whenever they're doing a singing circle or whatever." You shrug. "I'm definitely not nearly as good as any of them though."

"Oh, come on. You're good." Honenuki says, nudging you with an elbow. "That's why they keep inviting you to join them."

You hum with a cheeky smile before you nudge him back, "Well, you said it, not me."

"You should sing something tonight." Honenuki suggests, offering you the weed pen he’s been smoking from, "It'd really liven up the place."

"Yeah? You need me to wave around my karaoke mic like a magic wand to save your night?" You joke, still smiling even as you take the vape.

Honenuki meets your smile halfway, suddenly creating something more electric in the room.

And he says, "What? You didn't come here to save my night?"

“Okay.” You break into a small snort as you shift your body towards him as you bring the vape pen up to your mouth, creating a soft tension that Hanta can't look away from. "And what do I get for singing a little song for you?"

At that, Honenuki gives you a small shrug before leaning in to whisper something into your ear while you're slowly inhaling from the mouthpiece. And when he pulls back, the two of you watch each other as you blow out the thin smoke.

There's a special kind of tension there that slows everything down around you, and Hanta can't help but watch and appreciate it, kind of wishing he had something like that for himself.

"You know ‘Fierce Wings’?" You eventually ask, breaking the long, sticky gaze with Honenuki.

"By Hawks? Yeah." Honenuki answers.

"You start, then. I'll sing backup." You say as you take another long puff before returning the pen to him, then beckoning for him to follow you up to the song selection tablet placed beside the stage.

That's how Honenuki gets wrangled into taking the stage as the main vocalist of the song you end up choosing. You really do just take up the supporting role of the song, harmonizing with him and singing the background lyrics in the chorus until you trick everyone into thinking Honenuki is the star of the performance.

Hanta really doesn't know what to make of the whole thing, but the bar and the stage do end up getting livelier after that. There are cheers and suddenly other people are queueing up songs, and Hanta vaguely recalls you taking the stage again with your friends at some point.

He ends up a little preoccupied with Riki's cute, heart-shaped nipple rings to remember much else about that night, but the effect of your presence doesn’t leave him or his memory.

—

He does remember you the next time he sees you at a party.

Denki's the one who greets you and reintroduces Hanta to you, though you only give him a polite smile and greeting before starting a conversation somewhere else. He doesn't think much of it until he sees you jamming out in the living room with a few of your friends, like something out of a coming-of-age movie.

And that’s probably the first time he lets himself take a good look at you, long enough to realize how pretty you are.

Maybe he was a little too preoccupied to realize it last time, but it’s pretty hard not to notice a smile like that. Especially when you put a little playfulness into it.

Hanta doesn’t get to see it for himself a lot. Every time he runs into you at a party after that, he only ever catches that pretty smile when you’re laughing at someone else’s jokes, or singing and dancing along to a song that’s playing, or cackling drunkly with your friends, or maybe even flirting with someone else.

And he can tell when you’re flirting with someone.

You’ll have that smile on your face, but suddenly the air around you will just thicken and fill up with that same tension he felt around you that first night at the karaoke bar. Tension that Hanta can sense even from across the room or through a window or from the balcony he’s (unintentionally) watching from.

You flirt in a way that makes him feel like he’s wading through honey just from watching you.

It’s not long before he starts to wonder if he can get a taste of it for himself. And to his credit, he gives it an honest try. Comes up to you and tries to start a longer conversation or make a flirty joke, but you never give him the opening for long.

After a while of assuming it’s just bad timing on his part, Hanta starts to realize that your excuses are very much intentional.

“Oh hey! That’s my friend over there, I’m gonna go catch up with them. Nice talking to you, Sero.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t planning on staying long tonight. Got an exam coming up.”

“I was actually on my way to the bathroom. If you’ll excuse me.”

“Ugh. You are too much.” You had just straight up rolled your eyes at him once and left (after an admittedly cheesy line), “Catch ya later.”

While you never fail to escape him, he doesn’t get the sense that you’re uninterested in him. He has a feeling that if you really wanted nothing to do with him, you’d let him know.

Because he’s seen it. Those short tickles of tension that fill the space between you when your eyes meet for a little too long. A short few seconds where you let your guard down and enjoy yourself in front of him.

Something’s there. If he could just extend those seconds for a little longer…

“Are you ever going to stop making those dumb, googly eyes and actually, you know, talk to her?” Mina breaks him out of his thoughts one night, when they’re all just kicking back at Denki’s place.

In all honesty, Hanta wasn’t even sure if he wanted to come tonight, but when his friend eventually dropped your name among the others that were coming, he couldn’t stop his own sudden change of heart.

Not that his chances with you will improve any more than he’s tried so far, but it doesn’t stop him from showing up and staring (apparently obviously) from his corner of the room anyway.

“I’ve talked to her,” Hanta defends himself, taking a gulp of the vodka and orange he mixed himself before he shrugs, “She just doesn’t wanna talk to me.”

“What? Why not?” Mina asks.

“Probably because he’s already slept with a few of her friends.” Denki snorts, finishing up his own drinks on the counter.

He hands one of them to Mina, who takes it with a hum, “That checks out.”

“Hey! How is that my fault?” Hanta defends again, “I met them all on different occasions. And it was always mutually casual.”

“Okay, whatever.” Mina rolls her eyes before taking a sip of the poison Denki mixed her before almost choking on it.

“Well, cut him some slack.” Denki shrugs, “He definitely hasn’t made those googly eyes at any of her friends so far. Honestly the first time I’ve seen Hanta simp like this since high school.”

“I am not simping.” Hanta groans, “I’m just interested in her. That’s all.”

He wants to feel how dense the air gets when you turn that playful smile at him. Maybe take a bath in it if you let him. He just has yet to convince you that it’d be worth your while.

But Denki might have a point. If Hanta’s reputation precedes him, then that would explain why you barely ever spare him more than a few minutes of your time.

"Well, I think you guys would be cute together, so I am totally onboard with this little crush." Mina smiles widely, clearly eager to start meddling. She’s already turning over to Denki to ask, “Do you still have that Jenga set that we wrote on?”

By some miracle of Mina’s making, about an hour later, he’s sitting in a circle with you and the others, looking down at your pretty eyes as he spits a shot of jaeger into your open, waiting mouth. He’s almost immediately at half mast as you look up at him while you take all of his alcohol and spit.

And not too long after that, he’s nursing his poor semi with the sound of your drunken giggles in the kitchen, taking up your space, absolutely relishing the feeling of you finally flirting back.

He savors every smile, returns every comment, and takes every opening that leads him to the taste of your lips.

Because once he finally does get to press his lips into yours, with a mouthful of orange juice no less, he gets it.

He finally gets what he was missing, what he’s been wanting to know this whole time.

What it feels like to be caught up in your eyes and honey web aura, and to enjoy capture.

When you sigh like that and wrap your arms and legs around him after he places you on the edge of the sink, Hanta thinks that maybe he enjoys being caged after all.

If you wanted to keep him anchored to you with this dense, hot-wired, yet giddy feeling you bring out of him, he can’t say that he’d mind.

Just when he starts to think he’s going to have the best night of his life, however, he’s interrupted.

Then pushed away.

Then stumped as you pull a move that Hanta did not expect.

You look like you just had to snap yourself out of a bad dream when you turn on the sink and splash the adorably dazed look you had right off your face.

He has no idea what’s going on, but suddenly you’re apologizing and leaving the kickback like you hadn’t just weaved bits of Hanta’s soul into some new, puzzling shape.

Maybe it was a good thing that Mina and Toru accidentally interrupted, as much as his dick wants to say otherwise. Hanta finds it dizzying to settle back into reality after that kiss. It’s like the two of you had built up your own little world around him before you suddenly broke it right back down.

Hanta can't seem to get the taste of you out of his mind even when he washes it out of his mouth with more drinks.

Mina keeps trying to convince him that there's still hope, but the way you broke out of his arms and ran for the door was as clear as rejection could be. As much fun as you seemed to be having with him tonight, there is clearly something holding you back.

Ironically, Hanta is more fired up than ever to try and close the distance now that he knows how you flirt and taste firsthand.

He’s finally in your peripheral. He just has to find a way to stay there.

—

He hadn't expected to see you again so soon, let alone have one of the nicest meals he's had with a new companion in a while.

According to Magne-san, he was just all smiles throughout lunch, which she made sure to tease him for while he paid the bill.

Which, fine, yeah he was playing up the humor and smooth talk a little more than usual, since he saw you react so well to that when you were flirting with other guys before.

But it didn't seem to have the same effect on you when he did it, which kind of sucks.

He thought he was doing pretty well with the banter, though he was caught off guard a few times when you genuinely made him laugh.

Even when you’ve got your guard up around him, you’re still rather pleasant to talk to. Or at least, you bounce off of Hanta’s playfulness pretty easily. He finds himself wishing for lunch to last just a while longer, so he can keep rallying with you, convince you to lower your walls just a little more.

But by the time he and you part ways at the station, it still doesn't feel like he's changed your impression of him. He didn't even get your number, or any kind of real promise to see you again.

He did manage to sneak a photo of you.

While he told you he deleted it, he sent it to Mina first to archive it. It was just so cute. When he gets home and settles down in his room, it's the first thing he pulls up to stare at for a while.

Your cute, concentrated face being stuffed with noodles as you genuinely enjoy the food at one of his favorite places. It's so casual and natural that he could probably convince himself that this is a date picture.

He saves it to his favorites and tries not to think about your pretty face and sarcastic humor for the rest of the week.

—

Running into you at Jirou's place is an actual coincidence. Mina and Toru hadn't mentioned anything about this hangout to him since it was probably a girls' thing in the first place, but Denki wanted to crash the party when Hanta mentioned he was going to drop by to give Jirou her edited photos.

It was coincidence, but... when you don't choose to sit away from him, he can't help but get close.

And then, when you start to run your fingers through his hair, he can't help but melt against you.

Once you start singing in perfect harmony with Yaomomo, casually revealing that you know French, he can't help but just stare up at you in awe.

And then, when you start talking about some French guy named Aoyama, telling stories about him that put a cheery laugh on your pretty face, Hanta can't help but feel a light pain in his chest. As well as the irritable burn of jealousy flaring up.

"Hey, c'mere." He brings your attention back to him when he receives the blunt again.

He doesn't know what possesses him to do it, to kiss you in front of everyone unprompted, but he does it.

The jealousy is one thing, but the nerve to bring you down to shotgun a breath of smoke into your mouth as an excuse to get your mind off of this super funny French dude you're talking about is... Well, it's certainly a surprise to him.

What's even more of a surprise, though, is that you give him that cheeky look of yours and return the favor, snatching the blunt out of his hand to blow a fresh breath of smoke right back into his mouth.

Hanta tries not to kiss back too eagerly, despite the fact that he's got his hand on the back of your neck to keep you down here with him. But he's predictably interrupted again when Mina demands to know what is happening.

Honestly, he’d like to know himself. But you play it off before he can flirt his way into a more promising answer.

He plays it cool for the next few hours as you try to get your space from him, but frankly, after you kissed him back like that, it's a lost cause trying to keep his mind off of you.

All he wants to do is kiss you again.

He has to kiss you again.

So he does.

When you leave for the night, he chases after you and gets a proper taste of your mouth again before you start hypnotizing him with that honey-thick tension you create with your eyes. Your body is so soft, and your voice so sweet as you make little whining noises against him.

So fucking cute.

He can't remember the last time he's felt like this from just kissing someone. His hands are cupping your face, but his body is going crazy. Just the satisfaction of you finally reciprocating his surprisingly profound desire for you has him bricked up.

Because you do want him.

Despite how you've been trying to keep your distance, you want him too. He can tell, from the way you just kiss him like you're planting seeds of your soul to root into his heart.

Which is why he's that much more thrown off when you push him away again.

How can you kiss him like that and still want to go home alone?

He won't lie. He's a little disheartened.

And confused.

You left him your number this time but if things are just going to keep going like this, then he isn’t sure what to think.

While he can handle the slight blueballing, he doesn’t know how to read all of your mixed signals.

You kiss him like you want him.

But then you insist that you don’t.

He calls you that same night in some desperate attempt to get some reassurance, only to be shut down. Though he was faded by that point, so he can’t remember if he had the best approach or not.

From the sound of your voice, you actually sound rather annoyed, so now he’s even more dejected.

So he figures maybe it’s a sign that he shouldn’t keep pushing.

—

He mutes your notifications on purpose, to keep himself from jumping to text you back the very moment you send him a message. To play it cool. To not push you further away than his reputation seems to have already done for him.

Hanta keeps busy as usual, preoccupying himself with school, his friends, work, photography, spontaneous outings, stupid behavior, all his usual things.

Well, maybe not all his usual things.

He's been turning down a lot of invitations to hang out with people he'd usually end up naked with.

All the flirty banter, the pretty faces, the killer bodies, and the casual fun Hanta would indulge in don't appeal to him as much as they did before.

Or, maybe it's more accurate to say that someone else appeals to him way more.

He still appreciates a cute face or a flirty interaction every here and there, but nothing hits the same as your pretty face after you come up from a kiss. Which is something he ends up replaying in his mind at some point every day.

Even when he keeps himself busy, or smokes his thoughts away, or keeps his phone out of reach for most of the day, or even tries to flirt around with someone else, his thoughts always go back to you when he’s in bed at night. There’s no way to stop them from taking over his mind once he’s alone, forced to sit with his own thoughts.

It’s pretty bad.

And sometimes, when he ends up dreaming about you, he'll wake up with an almost painful hard-on that he has no choice but to relieve himself from. It's not like he's getting any other action these days.

If whatever wet, humid dream he was having escapes him before he can finish, he just imagines you himself.

He'll start simple, with an easy stroke as he recalls actual memories of your dazed eyes and cute pout after he kissed you. The softness of your lips and body. The sweet scent that lingered off of your skin when he leaned in close enough.

Then by the time he’s full-on fantasizing about you naked in countless positions he’d never repeat aloud to anyone, he’ll make a fucking mess of himself. Sometimes his dick doesn’t even die down with the first one, so he’ll do it again.

Pathetic as it is, he kind of sees it as image training. Hopefully for when he does eventually get the chance to feel you against his body for real.

He can't be sure when that'll ever be, but it's just how he makes do for now.

When Hanta catches sight of you by chance in the student center, a good three weeks or so since he last saw you in person, he ditches whoever he’s with at the time and scurries over to you without a second thought. Like a moth to a flame.

And while he thinks all’s going well at first — your eyes won’t stop darting towards his new lip piercing that he got on the fly last week — you’re quick to pull away. And then even jump ship when you start jabbering away in French with a pretty blonde twink who appears out of nowhere. (He really is pretty, though his style’s a bit gaudy for Hanta’s taste.)

It really hits him then when your mood takes a complete 180 once this Aoyama guy shows up. All the muted caution and slight grumpiness you had given Hanta had all but melted away as you made contact with your friend.

And while Hanta is fairly sure that you’re not into Aoyama that way (now that he’s met the guy for himself), that doesn’t mean that his chance with you has improved at all.

That’s when he realizes maybe he fucked up a bit.

Because he likes you. He wants a chance with you.

And he’s spent the last couple of weeks flubbing his opportunities to talk to you, trying to play it cool when in actuality, he only wants to get to know you more.

He wants to have more meals and longer talks with you. He wants to know more about the things you do, know, and like. He wants you to have that cheerful, happy look on your face that you gave Aoyama when you look at him.

He wants that.

He realizes that now, stupid as he is. But it’s clear by the guarded, huffy way you talk to him that he is nowhere near your good graces right now.

But fuck, he’d do anything to find his way back. He tries, in a last desperate attempt, to see you again. In a group setting, just to be safe. But the way you say goodbye to him tells him that he shouldn’t get his hopes up.

—

Hanta can tell something has changed by the time he has sex with you for the first time.

He kind of just lets himself daydream about you without restriction now, which is honestly freeing.

Unfortunately, his texting relationship with you doesn’t seem like it can be salvaged anymore, but he still feels so much better now that he’s realized how he actually feels about you.

While he’s silently becoming more and more obsessed with you, he kind of just loses his sense of shame or embarrassment every time his friends try to tease him about you.

When Denki told him that you texted him about the kickback, Hanta didn’t even hide his wide-eyed shock or anticipation. Denki and the others who were there at the time laughed at him at first, but quickly switched gears when they realized he was being serious.

“Shut up, you guys. Don’t mess this up for me.” He had pleaded, “I really think I like her. But she seemed kinda pissed at me recently, so I really don’t need any more reasons for her to hate me.”

“What? Hanta, come on, she doesn’t hate you.” Mina insisted, “If anything, she probably hates that she likes you.”

“That’s the thing. I don’t want her to hate that she likes me. I want her to want to like me.” Hanta said.

“Wait, what?” Eijirou blinked, not following, “If she likes him back, then why would she hate liking him? Or wait— did you mean that she hates and likes him? Or that she hates— Wait, what—”

“Thank you, sweetie. Shut up, now.” Mina patted their friend’s head before getting back to the matter at hand, “[Name]’s probably just being careful, okay? Last time she dated a guy like Hanta, it didn’t end well for her.”

“Who’d she go out with?” Denki asked.

“This guy named Kaibara, from the engineering department.” Mina answered, “Super pretty boy. Fuckboy Supreme, honestly.”

“Oh shit, Kaibara Sen?” Denki sat up in surprise, “Dude, he is hot. I mean, not within the engineering department, but you know their building is right next to humanities, right? So all the girls there are always lingering around engineering for him. Guy’s got bitches lined up.”

“Yeah, okay, whatever.” Hanta interrupted, “Who gives a shit about him? I need to prove that I’m not him so that she’ll stop avoiding me.”

“Wow, you’re really serious about this, huh?” Eijirou awed, “You must really like her, bro.”

“And what about it?” He pouted back, hiding behind a blunt.

“Alright, everyone shut up!” Mina clapped her hands to demand everyone’s attention, “We all have to be on top of this if Hanta’s gonna get his proper one-on-one time to win [Name] over. So come Saturday, no one is allowed to hoard more than five minutes with her at a time!”

“What if Hanta’s with her in a communal area?” Shouto asked.

“Unless Hanta is with her in a communal area!” Mina revised, making Hanta groan in exasperation.

He loves his friends but they can be so damn dramatic.

Still, he appreciates their support. He probably wouldn’t have had the chance to get to know you better in the first place if it weren’t in part for their meddling.

And despite how he knows he’s going to have to endure a lot more teasing and jokes at his expense from them, he already knows that just a kiss from you is worth all of it.

Because he’s kissed you enough times to know that each one changes the chemical balance in his brain a little more. That he’s gonna develop an addiction to you soon enough.

When you show up that evening wearing the greatest hoodie he’s ever seen from the HR franchise, the nerves in his hands dance with the need to immortalize this sight. He just has to keep this image of you in Cellophane colors forever.

When you look up at him after he’s cornered you in the kitchen, he feels that chemical change snap inside of him, charging up for a strike as you ask, “So what do I get in return for being your pretty little subject?”

Just like that first night he watched you talk to Honenuki.

When you break away from his gluttonous, desperate kiss to say, “Take me to the roof,” he feels his blood crackle beneath his skin, about to flare up in a fire from the inside.

Your body feels like heaven, and your face when you come is just… meant to be captured in a painting or something. Everything about you has him sighing in bliss or staring in awe or kissing in desperation.

He can’t stop kissing you.

It just feels too good, tastes like his own personal nectar.

He feels like he’ll die if he doesn’t find out what your pussy tastes like, too.

It all feels like it passes far too quickly, despite his thorough intent to take his time with you. He would fuck you out here on this rooftop until the sun came up if you’d let him, and it still wouldn’t feel like enough time. There are just so many things — so many things — he still needs to learn about you.

Like if you sound like this every time you come close, or if you make different noises based on how long he’s had to tease you.

Or if you’re sensitive in any spots that he can’t reach while you’re both trapped in your pants around your thighs.

How do you look when you’re completely naked?

What other position do you like? What’s your favorite one?

Do you want to do it with him?

Because he wants to do it with you.

Everything.

He wants you in every which way you can possibly think of.

Until you can’t think anymore.

It’s one of the best nights of his life. Which is kind of bittersweet because Hanta isn’t sure if you’ll let it happen again. Despite how amicably you returned to the apartment together, you don’t show any signs that you’ve changed your mind about him.

He's flying so high that he almost resigns himself to making do with the (absolutely perfect) pictures of you in the Cellophane hoodie for the rest of his life, thinking that he's probably already gotten the most of what you’ll allow him.

But when the opportunity comes pouring down on him from the sky, he seizes it.

Next thing he knows, you’re dripping, screaming, and laughing with him under a rainstorm as he all but drags you into his room.

And when you follow him inside without protest, let him eat your pussy in the shower, and start singing and dancing around in his bedroom without a second thought about anything else, he knows he never would’ve made do with a few pictures.

His fantasies could never keep up with you.

—

When you start coming over more, Hanta can feel love in the air.

It surrounds him, envelops him in this warm, satisfying feeling whenever you smile at him, or laugh at a dumb joke he makes, or look at him after he kisses you.

God, he loves that look on your face after he kisses you. So cute, so dazed, a little flustered, a little shy, and so unfairly pretty. He really does have to fight himself from pulling out the camera every single time that you make such a cute face at him.

It feels so natural to be with you, even if he has to fight for it a bit first.

You always act exasperated when you see him and he invites you over, but Hanta can always tell when you secretly want to say yes. All he has to do is wait around, maybe pester you a bit more until you agree to join him.

But he always tries to make it worth your while.

Hanta usually likes to put an album on and share a joint with you before — or even while — he enjoys a little romp with you in the sheets, or the desk, or the hammock, or the floor.

He’s not picky, and neither are you.

He has to say though, you really are becoming quite the addiction for him.

Because he’s learned that nothing pairs better with a joint than the sight of you fucked out, or lazing around in his room wearing one of his shirts. Especially when you’re just a little bit loopy after a few hits and you let your defenses down a little more.

Sometimes you sing or dance along to the album playing, sometimes you pose a little more freely for his camera, sometimes you sit in his lap without prompt, just purring for him to give you attention like a cute, little kitten.

Once — after smoking a new strain Hanta was trying — you had just… looked at him from your spot lying on his bed, beckoning him over from his desk with a finger and your irresistible eyes. And then you proceeded to ride him for, legit, ten minutes.

He was helpless underneath you, just watching you grind against him as he smoked away the rest of the joint — for both his and your own good.

But another time, he's just lying with you side by side, listening to an earlier album by an artist you both like. Sometimes he would talk with you about the music you listened to together, but today, you're just singing along gently, in tune with every word and harmony. Or usually, melody, depending on your mood.

"You are so good at that." He says after a song fades out, "At harmonizing, I mean. I forget that you're an honorary acapella girl sometimes."

"It's not that hard once you get your ear used to it." You say, "I don't sing nearly as much as all of the other girls though, so they're at a completely different level than me."

"Still," he insists, tucking his arm beneath his head as he turns his body towards you, "It's beautiful. I feel like I'm listening to a whole new song."

"It does feel like that sometimes, doesn't it?" You smile as you reach over to take the lyric booklet out of the album cover. Turning over to a certain page, you scoot closer to him as you hold the booklet up between you to read, "Why don't you try it with me?"

Hanta lets out a snort of a chuckle, "I'm not much of a singer."

"Well, it's not really about singing. It's about hearing another rendition of the song." You encourage him lightly, "It's fine, I'll give you the easy part. You just sing along to the tune that you already know."

So he does.

For the first half of the next track in the album, he reads along the lyrics from the booklet and sings it as normal, with you doing some simple harmony at the ends of certain lyrics.

But by the second half, you start vocalizing to another layer of the singer's voice that he had never actually noticed before.

Then, when he's on the last chorus, you sing along to completely different background lyrics that he hadn't even realized were echoing behind the song before.

And yet, the lyrics are all there, in parentheses printed on the booklet alongside the lyrics he's been singing and hearing all this time.

And it sounds... totally different. Amplified, layered, dynamic. Even in his regular old voice.

You somehow open up new facets to a song he’s listened to for years, simply by mixing your voice with his own.

It resonates that much more with the vision of your pretty face just a head tilt away as you lie close beside him, briefly meeting his eyes as you sing the last part in harmony with him.

It actually throws him off a bit and he messes up a few of the lines before getting back on track with you to finish the song. At which point, he kind of just turns over to stare at you, wide-eyed and awestruck.

While he's fumbling for words to say, you just smile at him with a cute, cheeky "toldja!" kind of expression before rolling back towards your side of the bed. And you flip through the lyric booklet as if you didn't just shake up his soul like a can of soda.

That ease with which you switch between angel and siren mode gives him a bit of whiplash.

Sometimes he wonders how exactly you condense and transform the atmosphere around you to share such an ethereal moment with him. It’s just so beautiful, a moment that he wants to capture so badly because he just knows it can’t be replicated.

It reminds him of all those snapshots and glimpses of love he’s seen over the years, that gave him such faith in its existence in the first place.

But right now, here with you, he thinks maybe he’s found his own special rendition of it.

Something meant only for the two of you to see.

—

He starts calling you querida. Something he’s never called anyone before, despite his ample use of Spanish love talk in the past.

Other pet names are easy to throw out to anyone; bella, linda, mami. But somehow querida only fits you.

It’s something he would hear his uncles call his aunties. His really cheesy tíos who loved their wives a little too much in front of the family. But the affection was bold and true in the way they spoke to them, and Hanta can kind of understand the appeal of the term now.

Because it doesn't feel exaggerated when he uses it for you.

It feels right having you around, whether you’re pressed against his skin or covered in his clothes. He enjoys every minute of it; bantering over nothing, fucking without cause, laughing at something silly. Even having your scent soaked in his sheets puts him to sleep easier.

But you never stay for long, to his disappointment.

He usually offers to make you dinner or invite you to stay the night, but he only ever gets as far as watching a movie or a show with you before things get down and dirty.

He doesn't push it since he figures that's what you're comfortable with, but he can't say that it doesn't leave his room feeling lonelier at times. Because it's just so much easier to imagine you filling up his room with your presence now that you’ve been here.

Even though his room hasn't actually changed, it somehow feels more vibrant when you've left traces of yourself for him to find afterwards.

Your shampoo in his pillow.

A lip stain on an emptied mug.

A misplaced CD.

A few stray hairs.

A new song playing in his head.

Some new French phrase you taught him scribbled on a sticky note.

Polaroids in his desk.

Photos in in his memory card.

So many gorgeous photos.

Sometimes he takes a little extra time to "edit" the photos he took just to look at them for a while longer. He doesn't really realize how pathetic that is until maybe the third time Shouto walks into his room and sees your face on his computer monitor and asks, genuinely, "Wouldn't it just be easier to set it as your wallpaper or something?"

And he pitifully answers with, "But then I'd have to choose only one."

Completely serious.

If it were anyone other than Shouto, Hanta knows he would've been laughed out of his own room. But he's spared from the embarrassment when his blessedly indifferent roommate just responds with a calm, "I see." before leaving him be.

But Shouto being the secret little shit he is, waits until everyone's gathered together to watch a MMA fight to put him on blast.

"So how're things going with you and [Surname]?" Eijirou brings up during a commercial break.

"Good, I think." Hanta shrugs, "I mean, we're still kind of casual right now though."

"Seriously?" Denki asks, "Would've thought you'd have dropped to your knees and begged her to be your wife by now."

"Shut up, dude." Hanta scoffs, hiding his actual embarrassment behind a laugh.

"Bro, I can't. You make it too easy." Denki chortles, "You've literally had hearts in your eyes whenever you've talked to her for the past few months."

"The fuck I do!"

"You should see his face when he's staring at her pictures on his computer." Shouto chimes in, casually sipping from his drink.

"Wait, what? You have pictures of her on your computer?"

"That you stare at?"

"In your own free time?"

Hanta shakes his head in exasperation when the room breaks out into cackles and and horrid impressions of Hanta talking to and making out with hypothetical photos of you.

"Dude, what the fuck?" He directs at Shouto, who only shrugs and continues to sip at his drink.

Luckily, the match comes back on soon after that, so everyone's attention is mercifully diverted back to the TV for now.

But not Hanta's, because as the match is starting to heat up, his phone starts vibrating in his pocket somewhere, and he just about has a heart attack when he sees your name on the screen.

Without a word to the others, he jumps out of his chair to run out of the room to the balcony before anyone can sniff out what's going on.

Once he’s outside, he can’t pick up your call fast enough, but he realizes maybe he should’ve taken a breath before letting your voice swim directly into his ear.

"H-Hi..."

Fuck, you are cute as heck, even through one word on the phone.

He keeps his cool as he asks why you're calling, slipping out a flirty joke in the process, "What's up? You missing me already?"

"Shut up." You huff, which Hanta can't help but grin at, effortlessly picturing your rolling eyes. But you follow up with an unexpected, "So... So what if I am?"

Wait.

What the fuck?

Did you really just say that?

To him?

Did you really just admit that you missed him?

Is that why you're calling? Because you missed him and just wanted to talk to him?

Hanta brings his hand up to cover his own mouth and starts pacing along the balcony because holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck holyfuck—

He's a little out of his mind as he tries to keep up with the conversation and will down his giant grin, but when you drop in some French out of nowhere, he freezes for a moment, buffering.

Because wait, what did you just say?

Was this something you told him before in passing?

He can't remember.

Is this a test or something?

When he tries to ask you what it means, you retreat quickly, which makes him want to know even more.

So quickly tapping the record function on his phone for the call, he convinces you to say it again. And thankfully, you do. He'll just have to ask Yaomomo to translate it later.

He can hardly wait to find out what made you so shy that you couldn't tell him directly.

But that's not all you leave him with. Something you say catches his attention, and leaves him buffering again.

"Tough as it is trying to figure out what you're really thinking all the time, it's not as hard to guess when you're gonna point a camera at me anymore." you remark offhandedly.

He blinks out into the city scape, processing, "You can't tell what I'm thinking most of the time?"

"How could I? You're so unserious. I can never really tell if you're trying to have an actual conversation or if you're just setting me up for a line."

And that's... well, what can he say to that?

You eventually hang up, leaving him in a daze as he ponders over what you said.

Because playful as he is, he's still been real with you.

He has, hasn't he?

Like yeah, he lays it on a little thick sometimes, but he can't just fake all of those moments he's shared with you.

Plus, the longer he's spent with you, the more he wears his heart on his sleeve.

Surely, you can see some of that, can't you?

"Something going on?" Shouto's voice rings Hanta back into reality before his roommate appears on the balcony beside him.

“Er… well, [Name] just called me.” He admits, looking down at his phone.

“That’s good." Shouto nods, "Right?"

"Well, I thought so. But... It sounds like it wasn’t going exactly as I thought it was.”

“What do you mean?”

He gives Shouto a rundown of his conversation with you, sharing a few tidbits of how his relationship has been going with you lately. Or at least, how he thought it had been going.

“Sounds like your communication styles aren’t lining up.” Shouto says.

“Yeah, well I got that much.” Hanta sighs, leaning against the balcony railing, “But it was hard enough to get her to even talk to me at the beginning. I was trying not to push her too fast, you know?”

“I suppose that’s fair, but you guys have been sleeping together for a few weeks now, haven’t you?” He asks, which doesn’t really sound right to Hanta’s ears.

What he does with you… it’s so much more than just sleeping together (even though that does take up a big part of it).

“Yeah, like… almost two months or something.” He confirms anyway.

“Does she even know that you’re pretty much in love with her?”

“I am not—” Hanta interrupts himself to sigh, knowing that denial would be an outright lie at this point.

With how much he thinks about you, looks forward to seeing you, still wants to know more and more about you all the time, it’s pretty obvious what this is becoming.

“Fuck…" He drags a hand down his face, "How bad is it?”

“It’s not a bad thing. If anything, it’s the opposite. I haven’t seen you this happy before.” Shouto points out, reconfiguring Hanta’s perspective out of nowhere like the genius boy he is.

Hanta sits with the statement for a moment before admitting, rather easily, “She does make me pretty happy, doesn’t she?”

Shouto turns to give him a small smile, saying, “Yeah. It’s nice to see.”

And, well, if being with you is something wholesome enough to get an approving smile out of his reserved, unbothered, but super smart and trusted friend, then that’s probably all the proof that he needs.

You’re someone worth being around.

“Do you make her happy?”

Tires are suddenly scratching in Hanta’s head as Shouto turns the mood up on its head.

He lets out a groan before saying, “Honestly? I thought I was, but after this call… I dunno. It sounds more like I’ve been confusing her.”

“Is there something confusing about a guy who likes you enough to stare at your pictures alone in his room all the time?” Shouto asks, somehow unrhetorically.

“Dude! Come on. Stop making me sound like a creep.”

Shouto shrugs, “I’m just saying, the photos aren’t the ones who need to know how obsessed you are. And I don’t think they’re gonna pass on the message for you, either.”

“Fine! I got it, I got it. I’ll tell her how I feel and all that shit.” Hanta groans, standing up straight and waving off his friend’s calm, yet patronizing look, “Cut me some slack. She makes me kind of stupid.”

“I’m sure she does.”

—

"I miss you. Do you miss me?"

That's what you said, apparently. According to Yaomomo.

Tu me manques. Je te manque?

A gorgeous phrase.

Yaomomo had explained to him that in French, to say 'I miss you' you say it in a way that means, 'you are missing from me.'

"Tu me manques. Je te manque?"

The more Hanta listens to the recording of your call, the deeper he falls into the pit of his own feelings.

You sound so sweet and soft, and then genuinely exasperated with him, like you actually wish you knew how he felt about you. Like all your problems and doubts would be solved if you just knew.

The longer he listens and overanalyzes your voice cues, the more he hears your unspoken plea for reassurance.

But at the same time, Hanta can hear himself, and just how whipped he really is for you.

If this is how he sounds when he talks to you, then it’s no wonder all his friends have been making fun of him. It's almost cringey to listen to how soft and suave he tries to be when he's talking to you. So he also wonders how you somehow can't hear how crazy he is about you.

He ended up asking Yaomomo for suggestions on how to respond, and she was kind enough to even practice with him over video call.

It feels a little silly going this far to practice with a friend just to flirt with you in a language you know, but it's also kind of fun.

Hanta can think of countless things to say in Spanish to you, and they'd all be effortless. But having to work a little to get his message across feels like proof that he really does want to do this. For you.

He doesn't even know how you're going to respond, but he wants to show you that he put a little thought into this. That he did this because you likes you.

More than likes you.

And Shouto has a point. You might not know if he doesn't tell you himself.

So once he's confident that he can say the phrase seamlessly enough, he calls you back, like he's been waiting to do ever since you hung up the first time.

"Hello?" Your voice greets him like a warm hug.

"Hey, beautiful. This is a good time?"

—

The end of the semester is a fucking tornado.

On top of exams, projects, going back and forth with his boss at work to make sure all his shifts are covered while he's gone for the rest of the winter break, planning the trip back to South America, and entertaining all his visiting friends who finished their semesters earlier, Hanta is swamped from morning 'til night.

The only thing that really keeps him going through the days are his texts and calls with you.

To: [Name] 💗 honestly fuck this school shit all i can think about is seeing u again querida

From: [Name] 💗 lol i will not be blamed for your academic failures it's only a few more days

To: [Name] 💗 only???

From: [Name] 💗 you've made it this long, haven't you just a little longer then we can all party through the night

To: [Name] 💗 i only wanna party all night with u ❤️

From: [Name] 💗 i'm sure kaminari and the others would be heartbroken to hear that but i wanna see you soon too

To: [Name] 💗 😩😩😩💞 te adoro 😘 do u have time for a quick call tonight?

Hanta is no longer above embarrassing himself for you. In fact, he's probably lost a bit of control over all the mushy stuff he sends you. He's gotten plenty of eye roll emojis back from you.

But he doesn't care. He's so fucking excited to see you again and finally make his intentions clear.

"Dude, I think you need to take it down a notch. Your phone's gonna start feeling self-conscious."

"What?" Hanta looks up from the push notification (not you) that just appeared on his phone, then realizes that he's been in and out of it all day because he's been doing this the whole time.

So quickly, he pockets his phone and tries to return to attention to his friends, who had driven hours here to visit him.

"My bad, guys."

"Wow, you mentioned this girl a few times, but I didn't realize you were that into her." Koichi, his hometown childhood friend, raises his brows at Hanta. "She must be special."

"Yeah, right. As if someone could wrangle down Hanta's playboy ass." Kazuho, their other hometown friend, comments as she messes around with her suitcase, organizing the entire closet she decided she needed for this short trip. "He's probably just obsessed with her right now because she gives him a hard time. Once he gets bored of it, he'll be back to his usual prince charming/casanova mode."

"What the heck?" Hanta protests, "What did I do to deserve this kind of slander?"

"You literally have not had a single steady relationship since you were in high school." Kazuho accuses.

"So? It's not like that's not normal for a college student!" Hanta defends.

"Yeah, but the way you look like you're about to start panting with your tongue out every time you get a text makes me sick, knowing that you're probably just gonna move on by the next time we see you." She groans with her tongue out, rolling her eyes, "Just like you do with every person you're 'into' for a month."

"I resent that!"

"Uh huh, of course you do."

"Hey, hey, Kazuho, let him be." Koichi comes in to mediate, "I mean, you never know. Hanta might've found someone he really clicks with."

Hanta is about to thank Koichi for coming to his defense, until his friend continues with:

"Besides, even if he's got a bit of a high turnover rate, that doesn't mean he didn't genuinely like them. Honestly, a month is pretty good for Hanta."

Sometimes, he forgets about that dense and indirectly rude side of his friend.

This is probably why he only ever sees them a few times a year.

"Okay, whatever." Hanta dismisses, "I don't care what you guys think. But I'm being serious right now. And for your information, I've been seeing her for like, two months now."

"'Seeing her' as in dating her or sleeping with her?" Kazuho raises a skeptical brow at him.

"Well... yeah, we've mostly been just sleeping together but I'm planning on asking her out officially once we talk at the party tonight."

"Right. 'Cause that's definitely gonna go over smoothly." Kazuho drawls as she goes back to sorting her skirts and boots.

"What? What's that supposed to mean?" Hanta pinches his brows together at the comment.

"You really think some girl you've been treating like your favorite booty call is gonna believe you wanna be serious all of a sudden?" She rolls her eyes, "If she's smart, she'll probably laugh at you, at best."

As much as Hanta wants to puff his chest out and argue, he doesn't take the bait. Kazuho might be overly blunt sometimes, but she only calls it like she sees it.

All that means is that Hanta has to prove himself to her, too.

"She is smart," he acknowledges, "but it isn't sudden. I've... I started liking her a while ago. It's different this time, okay? At least, I want it to be."

"Uh huh. So have you even asked her on a date?"

"I've tried. But she would always brush me off. And even when we started seeing each other, she'd always leave before we could do anything else."

"Commitment issues?" Koichi guesses.

"No. I don't think that's it." Hanta sighs, "I mean, I'm pretty sure she likes me back... She just... doesn't know how to say it."

Kazuho is pinning him with a harsh, judging brow while Koichi is just blinking at him like he doesn't know how much of this to believe yet.

But Hanta takes another breath before saying, "Look. I know it must be hard to believe, coming from me. But I really like this girl, okay? Can't you just have a little faith in me?"

From the way Kazuho stares at him, he can tell she's trying to get him to break character or something. But after failing to gauge the reaction she expected, she sighs and stands with her hands on her hips.

"Fine, if you say so." she relents with a sigh, "But I can't let you go to your holiday party looking like that."

Hanta furrows his brows as he looks down at his loose t-shirt and cargo pants. It's simple, but it's clean. And it suits him.

"What's wrong with this?"

"I think it looks fine." Koichi shrugs, "I mean, even though your rich friend is hosting, it's still just a casual party, isn't it?"

"Casual party?! Do you think she's going to be showing up in fucking athleisure or something? If she likes Hanta back and is planning to see him tonight, then what the fuck do you think she's gonna wear?"

"Uhh..." Koichi trails off but Hanta is silent, thoughts suddenly running wild with all kinds of cute or sexy outfits you might show up in.

Santa Claus dress and hat?

Sweater and jeans?

Something Cellophane themed?

You'd probably look cute even with an ugly sweater on.

God, he can't wait to see you...

Kazuho lets out a loud groan, having mistook his silence for obliviousness, "This is why men are useless."

"Okay, now that's a little harsh, don't you thin—"

"Shut up, Koichi. And get the keys." Kazuho demands, "We're going to Hanta's place to fix him up."

"Wait, what? But Yaomomo's party is starting soon." Hanta protests, getting up from his own seat, "She might already be waiting for me."

"Well are you serious about her or not?" Kazuho demands, eyes almost venomous.

"I am, I am!"

"Then at least look the part." She rolls her eyes as she goes to grab her jacket, "If you really want to prove it to her, you've gotta put in effort, Hanta. None of your usual charming, playboy, smooth talk bullshit. That shit makes it so hard to take you seriously."

Hanta almost trips over his feet.

And it hits him all over again.

Because you had said that exact same thing.

He forgets how logical Kazuho is behind all the berating sometimes, but maybe he needs her help after all.

"Then what am I supposed to say to prove it to her?"

"Do you seriously not know the answer to that?" Kazuho only stops to give him a deadpan look before huffing at his blank expression and turning back to her shoes. "Just be fucking honest, Hanta. Say what you really mean."

"Maybe without all of the embellishments." Koichi adds, slipping on his own shoes.

"Right. Honest." Hanta gulps as he follows his friends out the door, "I can do that."

—

Turns out, honesty has duality. It can be transparent, or even reflective, like mirrored glass. Or it can be lethal, like gunpowder.

Because if he's honest right now, he'd like nothing more than to throw a few punches at every single dude in the engineering department.

It's one thing to see that pretty boy Kaibara using his eyes to lick you up and down, but it's another to try and fabricate a kiss between you two.

What the fuck is Tetsutetsu even doing? Walking around like a holiday matchmaker. He has to know that he's breeding awkwardness in all that chaos, right? Marching around with that dumb mistletoe fishing rod he's dangling around like a cat toy.

Hanta only got here thirty minutes ago and he was already attacked by Denki, who apparently had Mina on the line, who ended up yelling at him over the phone to get his ass over to karaoke room 3 or wherever.

And holy shit, did he walk in on a scene.

He had half a mind to walk up to Kaibara and yank that damn mic out of his hand. The sleazy way he was eye-fucking you under the guise of the song you were singing together, twirling you under his arm with a charming smile.

It made Hanta want to puke.

Never mind the fact that he would probably do the exact same thing if he were in that situation.

But then Mina gets a hold of him and starts yelling all sorts of shit at him.

"About fucking time! Where have you been all night?! I've been calling and texting you like crazy!" She demands, then proceeds to interrupt Hanta's attempt at an explanation anyway.

"Do you see this? Do you see what's happening right now? Kaibara has been trying to slide in for the past hour! Hello? Ring any bells? Her fuckboy-ex-Kaibara?"

"Yeah, I'm aware." Hanta deadpans as he glares over at the couch area where you and Kaibara are still singing together.

You look stunning. So cute in that skirt and beret. He wouldn't be surprised if you had been approached by more than just Kaibara tonight.

"So are you going to do something about this?!" Mina asks, "She still doesn't know how you feel about her after all this time! I can't believe you're showing up this late when you apparently promised that you were gonna talk to her."

"I know! I know. I just—" Hanta grunts out a sigh, "I am gonna talk to her, alright? My friends got me held up for a while, but I'm here now. I swear to god, this is practically the only thing I came for tonight."

"Well I hope you've got a good speech prepared or something, because that—" she points her chin towards the other side of the room, where Tetsutetsu has suddenly appeared, causing a ruckus, "—could very well be the least of your problems."

The new few minutes feel kind of like a fever dream. A really fucking painful one.

He literally starts sweating when he sees that mistletoe appear over your head.

His heart is beating in his ears as he's stuck watching you exchange gazes with Kaibara.

For a moment, he's offered reprieve when you turn your cheek over to him instead. But then it's shattered in the next when that pretty boy up and kisses you anyway.

There's pain in his chest. A sharp one.

An amalgamation of fear, shock, and realization. As much as it hurts, it also reinforces just how much he likes you.

It wouldn't hurt this much if he didn't really, truly like you.

And if anything, the pain is just a reminder that he's gonna have to fight for you. He's got to put in effort. He's got to prove his worth and his love for you.

Wait, did he just say—

A harsh smack onto both of his shoulders brings his attention back to Mina, who starts shaking him a bit, "Get your head in the game, Hanta. The only reason she's even giving that guy her time right now is because you still haven't made her think that you're serious about her. Which, honestly, I don't even know how that's possible. But it is."

He's about to reply when he sees you coming their way. And suddenly everything seems to freeze.

"Hey." He says first.

"Hey." You reply easily enough, "I was uh, I was looking for you."

"Yeah, me too." He says immediately, "Sorry I didn't text you. I was out all day and my phone died on me."

Which isn't untrue. His phone had died when Kazuho was ransacking his closet to put together an outfit for him, and he had forgotten to plug it in before he left.

"Oh." You nod, seeming to accept the excuse for now.

Mina gets you some water, which you accept, and Hanta impulsively comments, "That was a pretty eventful song."

It doesn't come out as funny as he thought it would.

"Yeah, I'll say." You sigh, at least sounding like you didn't enjoy it.

"Are you okay?" Mina asks you, her eyes quickly darting to Hanta as if to urge him to follow up or something.

"I'll be fine." You say, meeting Hanta's eyes a little more directly as you continue, "But I could use some air."

That's his cue. He offers to bring you outside, just hoping and praying that this whole honesty thing goes well.

—

Now that he has a moment, he can't stop looking at you.

Which is nothing new, really. But fuck, do you look cute tonight.

Kazuho was right. You did come dressed to kill him tonight. And despite how long it took, he's pretty glad she helped him out with this fit too. Because your eyes keep sweeping him just the same.

He could really just stare at you all night, showering you in compliments and hopefully kisses, but eventually, it comes out.

He can't stop himself from asking.

"So. You and Kaibara, huh?"

To his slight surprise — and delight — you react with a scoff and a shake of your head at the mention, as if you’re already sick of the memory.

“It was just mistletoe.” You say.

“Yeah, I know.”

He knows. He does, but it hurt to see anyway.

It’s something he never really wants to see again.

“I heard from Mina though,” he takes it one thing at a time, “that… you and he had a thing before.”

You face stiffens a bit as you worry at your lip, before admitting, “Yeah. I guess you could call it a ‘thing.’ Not totally dissimilar to the thing we have going on right now.”

Not dissimilar?

Fuck, that is the last thing he wants. To be compared to your lame fuckboy ex.

Hanta has wholly believed that what he has been sharing with you is special. He had assumed that you thought the same, but clearly that was lost somewhere in the haze. And if he doesn’t clear it up tonight, he might lose you.

So he asks, “Yeah? And what kind of ‘thing’ do we have going on, exactly?”

“I don’t know, actually.” You shrug, “That’s what we’re here to talk about tonight, isn’t it?”

“Right.” He agrees.

After a short pause, you speak up first, “I’ll tell you this though: I do not want another Kaibara situation. What happened between me and Sen… really fucking sucked.” You let out a short sigh as you look over the balcony into Yaomomo’s overly extravagant garden, “I really liked him, but he didn’t want anything serious. So he kind of just let me fade into the background and I was pretty messed up over it for a while.”

“What the hell? What an asshole!” Hanta reacts before he can stop himself.

His blood is boiling as all of the pieces start coming together.

You caught feelings for Kaibara, and that fucker didn’t even bother to let you down. To let you move on properly.

And now with that deep impression left in your heart, it’s no wonder you were wary of Hanta at the beginning.

But even after all of that, he still has the nerve to come crawling back to you under the good graces of winter holiday spirit and high-end booze. He could kill that shitface right now.

“He hasn’t changed, that much I know.” You stop Hanta with a hand up, so he exhales and beats down the urge to march back in there and start something. “Which is why I didn’t fall for it this time. I don’t like him anymore, so it wasn’t that hard.”

Hanta sucks in a deep breath, leaning on the railing to sigh it all back out as the relief starts to trickle into his body.

Okay. You don’t like him anymore.

You said it yourself.

Loud and clear.

He can only take your word for it.

But then you start to talk about how he and Kaibara are actually kind of similar, which leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. Because the more things you list off, the more textbook fuckboy Hanta feels.

And yeah, he admits to a lot of it. The smooth talking, the height, the confidence, even the fucking photography hobby.

Even so, he at least knows this.

“Well if he was stupid enough to let you go only to come crawling back with an assist from Mistletoe Man, then I’d argue that we’re nothing alike.”

You give him a chuckle for that, that sweet smile gracing your face that makes his heart beat just a little faster, “I know that you and he aren’t the same. Like what you said over the phone that other night. I don’t think he would have ever told me something like that. And… I was actually really happy to hear it.”

Fuck, he wants to kiss you right now.

Something about your honesty is just… endearing. Sweet. It warms his heart and makes him feel light.

And if your honesty makes him feel like this, it just reinforces how much he needs to return the favor.

“But still. If there’s any chance that it’s gonna turn out like how it did with Sen, then I’d rather know all that now.” You say with clear, unwavering purpose, “Because even if you say you like me, if you’re just gonna keep me around when it’s convenient but still mess around with whoever you want, then I’d rather we just stop all of this. Here and now.”

“I don’t want that.” He says immediately.

Even the thought of stopping this with you grips at his heart harder than that kiss saw earlier.

He can’t. He doesn’t want to lose you.

And he’ll do anything to prove that to you.

“I don’t know what kind of shit was going through that jackass’s head, but I’m not stupid enough to treat you like a backup plan.”

He takes a step closer to you, slipping a hand into yours.

He’s going to put it all on the table. No more hiding behind all the smooth talk and physical chemistry. You’re gonna see everything.

“[Name], I meant what I said. I really do like you.”

And probably for the first time, he’s completely honest. He pours his heart out as best he can. Feeling like he might spill over any second.

Yeah, a line slips out here and there, but you take it with good grace, your usual eye roll and all.

But you take all of his honesty, and you give it right back. Until you finally open his eyes a little wider.

“I mean, all you’d ever do is take me straight back to your room. It’s not like you ever tried to ask me out on a date. And sometimes—" you pause to take a breath, as if wondering if you should even say whatever else you’re thinking, “Sometimes, I’d still see you around campus getting close to or flirty with other people. Only a few days after we were together, too. Can’t say that really inspires confidence that you were ‘serious’ about me…”

He what.

Other people?

That can’t be—

Shit. Okay.

He supposes he can think of an instance or two where he might have been around campus getting a little close with a pretty girl or a cute guy. But it was nothing outside of his usual behavior, so he didn’t think much of it.

But if you saw it and thought otherwise… Hanta can hardly blame you for thinking that.

Especially after finding out how it feels to see you with someone else.

The only thing he can do now is own up to it and hope you’ll still have him.

“You’re right.” He admits.

He admits everything to you.

How he started out treating you like one of his usual pursuits, then wondering why you left such a mark on him once you were gone.

How he thought his usual charm would eventually wear you down, when you were the one who was chipping away at him.

How somehow, you had struck right into his heart without him knowing, and turned him into some lovesick animal.

And how he was wrong not to do his due diligence and treat you like the treasure that you are.

Hell, he even admits to you the photo-staring thing — which is really fucking lame. Why did he think to do that? His mouth just kept running and now he’s just straight up embarrassing himself.

And most importantly, he tells you how much he likes you. Upfront and personal.

He likes it when you sing and harmonize out of nowhere.

He likes the way you eat your heart out.

He likes how you use French to run away from telling him something that makes you feel shy.

He likes all of those things.

“I—” you start to say before a shiver runs down your body, the night cold suddenly clicking into place in Hanta’s idiot head.

“You’re cold. My bad, I forgot you’re only wearing a sweater.”

He starts pulling at his zipper, even though you insist that he not give up his jacket. Which he’s obviously not going to do if you’re standing here, cold and shivering.

But your brilliant little brain brings you right into his arms as you cuddle into his chest, hiding away from the cold like his embrace is all you need to feel protected.

Something about that makes his chest bloom beneath your cheek. Because you’re bringing yourself closer to him. You’re still here after he laid his heart bare for you. You still… want him, even after all the weird miscommunication and missteps. You—

“I like you.” You say, striking an arrow right into his heart. “I really like you. I think— I think behind all the playboy, machismo stuff, you’re really one of the coolest, most interesting, and fun people I’ve gotten to know. So I… uhm… I wanna…”

FUUUUUUUUCCKKKKK.

Hanta wants to scream into the sky right now — because you are just so freaking CUTE.

But he can’t bear to look away from you now.

You’re facing him head-on, so he has to wait for you to say the rest.

But damn it if he doesn’t want to just lean in and kiss your forehead as you take a nervous breath in to say, “I just… wanna see where this goes. For us. For real.”

Well. He supposes that’s the best he can get out of you. And he doesn’t mind a bit.

There’s already a huge grin on his face, so he couldn’t hide his joy even if he tried.

“Yeah. I’m good with that.” He says, trying to play it cool as if he didn’t just spill his guts to you two minutes ago.

“With only you and me, right?” You pin him with a scolding, yet pouty look as you look up at him through your lashes.

“Only you and me.” He smiles.

“Okay. Good. Me, too.”

“Great.”

“Yeah.”

Fuck. You are the cutest.

He has to kiss you. There’s no possible way he can hold off any longer.

And when he does, he can tell something’s changed.

There’s no more holding back, from either of you. You’re kissing him like you have nothing to be afraid of anymore. And he kisses you as if swearing to protect you, to reassure you that you’re right — that you have nothing to be afraid of.

It tastes different. Heavily seasoned with sort of newfound trust and eagerness.

It’s saturated with new emotions like some colors have been corrected in a photo.

And god— it feels so, so good. Somehow better than before. It feels like… It feels like—

Love.

This is it.

It’s here, right in his very own arms.

That special connection he had always known was real in the back of his mind, that he had seen in all the movies and books and people around him.

It’s real. And it’s right here. In your voice when you sing, in your eyes when you look at him, in your witty retorts and jokes and banter. In the way you kiss him, and hold him like you just can’t get close enough. And it’s in the way your body just feels like heaven in his hands.

He’s had a feeling for a long time, but he’s fairly sure about it now.

Es amor.

Es todo lo que yo soñé.

It only gets better as you ask him dance, start singing along to the Spanish song playing like you know the exact dialect of his love language, and then leading him right to a hanging mistletoe to overwrite that kiss he saw earlier.

He doesn't think it could get any better than this, but then you lead him right over to Mina, and hand him the sweetest photo he has ever seen.

"Here. For you."

It takes a few seconds for the photo to develop properly but it gives Hanta the time to figure out just what you were up to in the past few minutes.

You ran off to Mina to get her to take the photo, distracted him with your super cute Spanish singing, and choreographed a kiss to get this... absolutely perfect shot.

And you did it all right under his nose.

"You're always taking photos of me, but we don't really have any of us together. So here's one to start," you say, gesturing at the polaroid, "Candid, honest subject and all. Like you like it, right?"

He's a goner.

How could he not fall in love with someone like you? You just make it way too easy.

And on the other hand, he's done the opposite for you. He's almost ashamed that you went on thinking that he didn't care for you for as long as you did.

Well, there'll be no more of that.

He's going to love you up and down until every single doubt is scrubbed clean from your pretty little head. And he's gonna be thorough about it.

Starting tonight.

"Ready to get out of here?" He asks you after ignoring a smug, but encouraging look from Mina.

You nod and take his hand with the prettiest smile he's ever seen, "Vamos."

— — —

Love is like learning another language.

Exciting, intriguing, a challenge in communication, discovering new cues, slang, cultural contexts, not to mention extremely difficult to keep up with. Especially because it takes time to learn.

But Hanta loves every part of it.

Learning to love you is different from everyone he's loved before. Sure, there's family and friends, and even some first loves and crushes, but something about loving you feels like he's really building character within himself.

By studying you, what you like, how to make you laugh, what makes you upset, how to read all your different expressions, how to speak to you appropriately, what turns you on or off, and how you like him to treat you, Hanta feels like he's becoming more fluent every day.

And he keeps wanting to learn more. He wants to become so fluent in loving you, that it just curls and slides off his tongue like another part of him.

He wants it to be so apparent how much time and practice that he's put in, that you never second guess how he feels about you again.

And Hanta would say he's gotten pretty good at it.

Honestly and humbly speaking, he’s a natural. He’s always enjoyed expressing himself, finding new ways to present his thoughts and personality in any medium.

That’s how it is with photography. That's how it is with all the Spanish dialects his family speaks. And that's how it is with love.

Sometimes he likes to mix them all together.

He really can't resist that look you get when he starts talking to you in Spanish. The way your eyes become a little more hidden behind your lashes and your bottom lip slightly disappears behind the press of your teeth. The way you stare up at him, silently pleading for him to speak more because you're too shy to ask him outright.

He likes how your aura changes a little whenever he brings out the camera. Sometimes, it shrinks as you shy away from him, but then grows and gets reshaped after a little guidance. He learns how good you are with directions as he tells you how to pose or look at him, suddenly giving him the most gorgeous snapshots despite your tendency to curl back into yourself soon afterward.

He's learned to time it all perfectly to coax out that perfect, picturesque side of you when you're on top, riding him like an amateur pornstar while the camera's rolling on the nightstand. When you become a cockdrunk little showoff for his phone camera, Hanta knows that all the hours put into studying you are worth it.

However, he's still a long way from mastery. He's reminded of that every time you roll your eyes and groan at him. Which he usually doesn't mind.

But sometimes, he runs into problems that feel a lot like tackling a tricky grammar lesson. Things that he just can't wrap his head around.

"No."

"Aw, come on baby. Why not?" He pleads, "You don't think it'll be fun?"

"I already told you, Hanta, I don't want to be a model." You continue to resist.

"But you model for me all the time." He says.

"If it's for you, it's different. I can trust you. But I don't even know this guy. Can't you just ask him to find someone else?"

Okay, he kind of likes hearing that you'll make exceptions for him. But he wants to do this with you. And he already promised his friend to give it a try.

One of his buddies in his photography circle is working on a cool project for his final portfolio before graduation, and it involves capturing different expressions of love. So he's been reaching out to all the steady couples he knows to model for him.

Hanta was eager to join in on the project, and since you agreed to model for his own personal projects before — and even let him post the photos online — he figured you would be onboard with this.

So he really did not expect this vehement refusal.

"I mean, I can. But I wanted to do it with you." He tries pouting, "I thought it'd be cool to add a few more photos of us to the books."

You make a noise of disgruntled surprise at that, finally showing some hesitance in your expression. A good sign, so he should keep rolling with it.

"I've been friends with this guy for a couple years now, so you have my word that he won't do anything weird with the photos." He swears, stepping into your space to wind his arms around your waist and make it harder for you to avoid him, "If he ever tried anything though, you know I'd kick his culo right off the block, right?"

Instead of answering, you just glare up at him as you stay captured in his arms, not pulling away but not leaning into him just yet, either.

"Besides, don't you think it'd be cool to have a nice framed print of us just being sexy together? You know I'd hang it right above my bed." He teases, leaning down to nose at you before leaving a light, feathery kiss on your lips. Not coercing you, but enough to be a little persuasive.

You inhale deeply through your nose before slowly sighing, still glaring as you say, "I still get dm's from random people who found me from your photos. I don't need more."

That's still quite the mystery for him. Hanta has never tagged you in the photos he's posted of you (upon your request), and you're on private, so he has no idea how people still end up finding you to hound you for modeling jobs or just be thirsty in your dm's.

Though he also really can't blame them. You look incredible on camera even without Hanta's photo edits. It only makes him that much prouder that you chose to be with him.

"Well, it is a couples concept shoot. If you're with me, then they'll get the idea." He says, smiling into another kiss to your lips.

You scoff, but you don't push him away, "As if that'll stop them from trying."

"Let 'em." He accepts the challenge, "I'm not afraid of a few online fuckboys."

"Like you aren't one yourself."

"Not anymore. Those days are behind me." He leaves a kiss on your nose this time, noting that your glare has already softened into more of a reluctant pout, "I'm a changed and committed man. And I want everyone to know it. That's why I want to do this photo shoot."

He keeps you pressed close to his waist but lifts one hand up to lift your chin higher so he can look deeper into your eyes, mustering all his sincerity and charm into his next breath, "Come on, querida. Won't you let me show the world how much I love you?"

You close your eyes with a groan, but Hanta can tell by the slight tremor of your body that you're not writing him off for this one. In fact, it's clear that he's won when you press yourself closer to his chest and start kissing him as you cling to his shoulders.

He exchanges kisses and breaths with you for a generous while before you finally pull away and agree with a heady gaze, "Fine. Let's do it."

"Mm, thank you, baby." He hums as he lifts you up by the thighs to carry you into his bedroom to finish this conversation in private.

Though even if he convinces you to come, it doesn't put you at ease when the day comes to be photographed.

"So, the theme is kind of about how people express love for each other." Togaru explains the day of the shoot.

Hanta's friend had rented out the studio for a few days to work on his project, and it is decked out with all kinds of materials.

There's a bunch of photography and lighting equipment already provided by the studio, but the wardrobe, the makeup station, and the collection of lenses laid out on one of the tables are all Togaru.

He's really going all out with this portfolio, and Hanta can only respect it.

"I'm doing friends, family, and obviously, you guys are one of my couples." Togaru continues, "So is there some sort of motif or metaphor that you always fall back into when you think about your relationship?"

Hanta blows a raspberry through his lips, shuffling through all of the cheesy things he's thought of before, "How do I even pick?"

He throws out several ideas, just to get the ball rolling. He brings up the language metaphor, color concepts, smoke (as a metaphor and an activity), Spanish terms he's learned to like, his own photography that he uses to capture moments of you to keep forever.

Honestly, he could take any trope from a movie or show and apply it to how he feels for you. It's actually harder than he thought to nail it down to one motif.

So he's really curious to hear what your take is.

"Those are all great. We can work with a lot of them." Togaru says, "How about you, [Surname]?"

You hum thoughtfully before saying, "I don't know. I like a lot of those too. But for me... it'd have something to do with music, I guess." You quickly turn to look at Hanta as you elaborate, "I feel like a lot of special moments we shared usually had a song involved. Something that I can listen to again that will take me back to that very moment in time."

Hanta looks right back at you, reflecting back on the days he was still getting to know you.

And now that he thinks about it, you're right. There are tons of moments like that where a good song is playing and creating a core memory of you and him.

That time when he first heard you sing in person, crooning in French as he laid his head in your lap.

That Pink Martini album he played when you came to his room for the first time.

That song you taught him to harmonize to and practically rediscover.

All of the other albums he would listen to and discuss with you on late afternoons, half naked and sharing a joint.

That Spanish song you danced and sang along to at that holiday party the night he and you agreed to be official.

All of the CDs you would gift him, adding your own favorites to his collection. Making an entirely new library for the two of you to share.

Of course. That makes so much sense.

It all feels so obvious now, the music theme. He's spent so much time studying you and falling in love with you just by listening to music with you in his room, or listening to you sing, or dancing with you at a party. Sometimes, it feels so obvious that he forgets about it.

Maybe that's a sign of fluency. It's so embedded into his brain and his relationship with you that it just comes naturally enough for him not to think about it anymore.

It's already a part of him. You're a part of him.

Just like he had hoped you'd be.

"And... I dunno." You continue, turning back to Togaru, "Sometimes I feel like getting to know him is like listening to a new album. I may have some sort of expectation from the artist, but he ends up surprising me every now and again." You tilt your head as you slip Hanta a small, but slightly cheeky smile, subtly sliding your hand into his, "And it's not like I always love every song, but I'll always listen to it again. And sing along to my favorite parts."

And there it is again.

Your aura that seems to just slow down time.

The way you change the taste of the air around him with your thick honey gaze and quiet flirting expression. That subtle tension that makes it impossible to look away from you, since the first time he watched you cast your spell on someone else.

He'll get caught in it as many times as you'll set the trap for him.

If only he could get away with staying in these moments with you forever.

"Okay! I'm liking this idea." Togaru claps his hands together as he rolls with it, "If we're talking music, are we talking dancing? Big bachata man Sero, here and all."

"Oh dude, no. If it's music, then that is so [Name]." Hanta jumps on the concept immediately, "She can sing."

"No kidding?" Togaru gives you an impressed smile.

"Hanta, no." You huff, letting go of his hand to smack him in the arm, "Why are you telling him that?"

"Because it's true?" Hanta raises an eyebrow at you, "Come on, dude. Let's go put on a playlist. I know just how to get this going now."

About ten minutes later, Hanta's got you spinning around by the hand to loosen you up for the camera, a mix of his and your favorite songs echoing through the room from the studio's speakers.

You're resistant and shy at first, but after some coaxing, you warm up to his silly demeanor and start dancing with him. The initial awkwardness starts chipping away step by step, until you eventually give yourself away to a bright laugh and your favorite chorus.

Neither of you stop as Togaru starts snapping away with his DSLR, the music making this foreign studio environment feel as natural as his bedroom.

"Okay, yes. That's beautiful." He praises, giving you or Hanta a placement direction every so often.

Then, as a softer ballad starts playing, you pause and look up at him as you focus on harmonizing with the singer, holding a finger up as if to keep yourself concentrated while you casually just start singing like an angel.

Togaru introduces a cube stool for the two of you to sit on, and he starts giving you directions on how to pose. Then he allows you free rein to keep singing like you usually do as he does his thing.

The rest of the shoot is just so much fun, and even better when he sees you enjoying yourself along with him. The raw preview photos are just stunning, even at a glance.

Every single one of them is gorgeous. Not only with the composition, but the lighting, the color correction, the atmosphere. He can feel something coming through in these photos.

Man, Togaru is good at this. Hanta always learns something new from his art.

It only takes about a week for Togaru to send him the final edited versions. And damn, he can't even choose a favorite. There are so many good ones.

A couple of the dancing shots, but with different compositions. Some that are full of motion in the waves of your twirling skirt. Some where you're looking at Hanta with an expression full of whimsy, joy, and trust. Hanta looks lovestruck as usual, but with a warm, settling comfort that he doesn't think he had before.

There are also a few more casual shots, like where you're both caught mid-laugh, his arms around you as he lifts you by the waist from behind. Or another fitting shot of you just looking at him with deadpan sarcasm while he looks almost like a con artist type of flirt.

However, there is one in particular that stands out to Hanta.

One where, somehow, Togaru managed to capture and recreate that thick, pretty aura that you always seamlessly emulate.

It's one of the shots of you sitting back to back with Hanta on that cube stool. He's got his legs spread long and wide across a corner of the cube, looking relaxed but reasonably hypnotized as he tries to sneak a peek at the siren behind him.

But you. You're simply leaning back against him, eyes closed and head resting back against his shoulder as you sing out a gorgeous note that he can hear even through this still photo. You've got a knee hugged to your torso, but you look relaxed and in the zone as you smile into your note.

Absolutely beautiful.

He posts them online as soon as he gets the okay from you, eager to show you off. To flaunt you as his.

Querida 🖤 thanks @kamakiri.togaru for letting us be part of your final portfolio. you really took no prisoners with this one! it was cool getting to model for a change

The comments come in hot, burning him with affection, embarrassment, and laughter.

kaminari.bolt brooooo these are so 🔥🔥🔥 who knew ur simp ass could work the camera too 😎

redriot yo these look so good!! u guys look awesome :,)

acid.pinky AHHHHHH!!!!! MY BABIES!!!! i love you both so much istg i need these printed and framed in MY house 😩😩😩💞

kamakiri.togaru thanks for letting me shoot you guys! honestly some of my best models ever

deepdope you two look so good together!

toru_16 💗💗💗 [name] is so gorgeous 🥺 work it sero! 😉

o.mashirao 👍👍👍

popstep.kzh we get it. you're in love 🙄

crawler_koichi nice to see you in front of the camera for once! it suits you :)

shoto.tdrk 👍

yaomomo What a beautiful set of photos! Très magnifique! ❤️

He puts his phone down when the random thirsty commenters start coming in. Most of them predictably asking about you, as usual. Dumbasses who don't realize that all the photos of you on his page are still hard launches, despite them being photography projects.

But it doesn't matter. He has better things to do than worry about dudes who are (understandably) thirsty for his girlfriend.

Like stare at more pictures of his girlfriend.

He was only able to post a few of them, but this file is full of great shots that he could spend hours staring at for his own enjoyment.

So many precious captured moments for him to pour over. To admire and study. To tattoo into his mind to keep forever.

The only thing that could possibly make this any better is—

"Hey, babe. Shouto let me in." A knock and your voice emerge from his opening door, and the angel that's been crossing his mind all day appears like a blessing in his own room.

"Hey, beautiful." He greets you, spinning to face you in his desk chair.

He's about to stand up and walk over to give you a proper hello kiss, but you immediately paddle over to him once you catch sight of his computer screen.

"Oh! Are those all of the other photos that Kamakiri sent you? I wanna see!"

And then you plop yourself right onto his lap and spin the chair back towards the desktop to start clicking around.

Hanta can only smile as you start cooing at all the different photos you didn't get to see yet. Wrapping an arm around your waist, he brings your back right into his chest so he can tuck his chin onto your shoulder — leaving a quick kiss on your temple — before he settles his hand over yours on his wireless mouse.

"Lemme show you this one."

As he spends the next hour looking through all of the photos with you, discussing photography concepts and praising how good you both look, Hanta feels incredible satisfaction settle into his heart.

He really can't think of anything else that's made him feel this way. So full of joy and pride and affection and just— love.

This is love.

Es amor.

Just having you sit here on his lap as he sifts through photos with you. Or listening to an album together. Or sharing a meal you prepared together. Or arguing over some small misstep before talking it out and making up. Or learning something new about you today that he can use to make you happy tomorrow.

All of that's love.

Es amor.

And he's glad he found it with you.

— END —

a/n: if you don't recognize them, koichi and kazuho are characters from bnha: vigilantes (a spinoff story in the bnha universe) btw! i thought their personalities/dynamic were super funny and perfect for the role i wrote them into.

a youtube playlist for this fic, or my own personal spotify playlist for those of you who might be interested. lots of songs that inspired me and got me in my feels for this story. and link to the master post if you wanna keep it bookmarked in the case you'd like to find this fic again!

ty so so much for reading, interacting, and sharing your love for sero with me! pls feel free to share with me all of your final thoughts as well! bisous and besos to all of you 🥰💋

#sero hanta x reader #bnha x reader #sero hanta #ty again to leo for the spanish help i have really bothered them too much for this silly fic 😔🌹#and once again ty for those of you who've been waiting patiently for the last *checks watch* 3 months lmao #hope it wraps up nicely. i'm honestly horrid with endings #drabble #mine

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b-courageous1010 · 1 year ago

Text

Day 11: Career Reflection and Year-end Evaluations

Went into the office, and it always makes me feel better even though I don't go in as much as I should.

Finally submitted an assignment that took me way too long to finish, but I'm glad I got it out.

I met with my manager to review what was on my plate and see if I am over-committing myself. After laying out what I had on my plate, I decided I could handle everything and was in a much better place mentally.

I also asked for areas where I could improve. Of course, he said asking for help, but my manager also suggested I improve my presenting skills. While I know I struggle with it, he said it's because he knows I know what I'm talking about; I just have to be confident. He also said I have to make my presence known.

Newfound passion in my role

Starting side projects and gave myself a personal work project. I found a new love for projects; it's always been my favorite part of any role. I talked to my mom about it, and it got me thinking about pursuing project management as a career. Today I put my workbook together and started the preliminary analysis. I also organized my notes and mapped out the following steps! I'm super excited to get the creativity flowing!

Going to do some research on what skills are needed to excel in a project-based role

I asked my aunt for her tips since she's in the same type of role, so I'm putting together some questions to ask her.

Also wondering if I should invest in a tool or how I can track my progress another way

Reflecting on Year 1

Year 1: In September, I will be 1 year in my position, and time has flown by. I was completely new to finance, and it was quite the "work culture shock" I went from being a micromanaged hourly worker to a trusted salaried finance employee. There were a lot of hiccups, and I learned what exposure meant. The first year, I kept my head down, learning background information, and focused on understanding our tasks and roles in the audit process. I built my personal library and got organized. I learned new tips and tricks for communication. I am immensely grateful and fortunate for this position. I interact with upper management in a way that doesn't usually come to entry-level associates. I feel so lucky to have landed in a project-based role unintendedly, it's something I wanted to dip my toes in, and I feel blessed every day I go to work.

Heading into year-end evaluations: I've come far in just a year and am excited to see what next year brings. I plan to use the knowledge I learned and make my presence known in the department. My mentorship is going great, and I'm finally starting my side projects. Also starting to think about the next leg of my career, which means new goals! Made a note to reevaluate my PeopleSoft goals. I feel the shift from learning to actually doing and the ending of being able to fall back. I will embark on a journey to make a name for myself, and I can't wait to see what's in store. I know things won't always be smooth sailing, but I'm learning not to fear the unknown. Fantastic opportunities lie right outside of my comfort zone.

Tremendous opportunities lie right outside of my comfort zone.

#corporate barbie #self love #career development #soft black girls #leveling up #soft black women #career #100 days of mindfulness

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dreamerslovechaos · 1 year ago

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15 Mutuals 15 Questions!

Thank you so much to @bee-notes for tagging me!! I had a blast answering these questions!

No Pressure Taglist: @assorted-bean @mewsporridge @collector-of-fishes-souls @pinkhairandpronouns @astralunar @abiquail05 @villalunae @winterbear04 @aonogitsune @friendofthecrows @quails-and-whales @anxiousescapis @bird-bird-bird-bird @atombombtom @roachhman

Feel free to skip a few questions if you want!! No pressure at all, just a way to get to know y’all more :”)

Were you named after anyone?

No, I wasn’t! My first name was chosen by my mom and grandfather because they liked the way it sounded, and my middle name was chosen by my dad. Fun fact, my name translates to “Purity in Artistry”, which is a very rad and on-brand choice if I say so myself.

When was the last time you cried?

Hmm, probably day before yesterday? The past couple days have been sort of rough on me ngl

Do you have kids?

No, and I plan on keeping it that way. As much as I love kids and value them highly, I don’t think I’d be a very good parent for a variety of reasons.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Yep. Mostly absurdist sarcasm. A lot of people have trouble understanding my sense of humour and tonal shifts. I like to be as weird as possible but I always underline it all with a stark deadpan tone.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Hm, probably their hair? It’s always so interesting to see how someone’s natural hair and sense of style is reflective of their personality.

What’s your eye color?

Their chicory coloured orbs stared into my soul, speckled with streaks of g-

Nah, I’m kidding. They’re dark brown, so dark as to be mistaken for black. I’m rather proud of them.

Scary movies or happy endings?

I like bittersweetness. I like to be reminded that a story does not end, per se, due to its very nature as a story that can be re-experienced. All my favourite endings of all time deny the listeners/readers/watchers the catharsis of conclusion.

All that to say I don’t really mind any ending as long as it’s thematic, lol. Depends on what kind of story we’re talking about.

Any special talents?

Hmmmm not really anything special? I suppose my writing stands out as a skill, and so does my aptitude for public speaking. That’s about it. I’ve been meaning to learn more.

Where were you born?

I was born in a semi-metropolitan town in Tamil Nadu. It’s a really nice place, not very far off from my hometown.

What are your hobbies?

I like to read, write, sing sometimes? I used to play the guitar but I fell out of practice. Been meaning to pick it up again. Oh, and crochet! I recently learnt how to crochet and it’s been suuuuper fun.

Have any pets?

I’ve never been able to have a pet of my own because we kept moving very often, but my grandfather has a dog named Mothy! He’s a very hyperactive and exciteable boi. I love him a lot.

What sports do you play/have you played?

I used to play badminton back in school, and I was rather good at throwball too, but then I lost practice. I’m really out of shape and exercise due to a variety of reasons, lol. I’m gonna pick it back up when I go to college, hopefully.

How tall are you?

171 centimetres! That would be uhh 5′7′‘?

I’m the tallest of my friend group which is something that I love to hold over them. Not like they can reach it anyway.

Favorite subject in school?

English! This comes as absolutely no surprise to anyone who has even a passing familiarity with me. I love to read and I love to write, and I love to interpret and re-interpret and see people try to comprehend new pieces of text! I like to consume media scientifically, by surgically analyzing it piece by piece. I owe a lot of that to the hours I spent arguing with my teachers (and later my friends) about media interpretations.

Dream job?

I’ve always wanted to be able to work in film, in writing scripts and maybe even directing? I’ve been meaning to start off small, maybe do a few youtube videos here and there. I’m in the process of writing a few video essays actually! Who knows, maybe now that I’m in college I can finally make it work out...?

#tag game

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bigskydreaming · 1 year ago

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wouriqueen

This was so fascinating to read, I love it, I'm always impressed with how detailed world building can get !! 🤯 I'm guessing you had to do a lot of research in order to determine how each waverider power works ?

'Had to do' wouldn't be quite accurate because tbh, a huge part of my brainstorming process when coming up with stories I want to write is basing them around things I'd like to learn more about in the process. Like, you know how I dropped out of college freshman year on account of my Traumatic Backstory and all that, but truthfully, even if that hadn't happened I don't know that I would've ever graduated college otherwise anyway. I've never excelled in traditional learning environments. Like, by most standards I did well in high school, but that was because my entire approach to learning was geared towards optimizing my test-taking and making sure I measured up to the standards of what I was SUPPOSED to know in order to get into 'a good college' or whatever, but there was only so far that same approach was going to take me in college. It was learning by technicalities, accumulating just ENOUGH knowledge and skills to meet the requirements of various curriculums. I wasn't really....learning how to CAPITALIZE on the knowledge I was picking up, or doing the best at figuring out how to put it into practice.

In contrast, long after I dropped out of college I realized that the only real way to get me to excel at learning was to get me hooked on the subject matter enough to like.....bait me into wanting to know as much about it as I could. Like I figured out that I had a BETTER grasp on the things I picked up when excited about a story concept I wanted to write and looking to learn as much as I could about the relevant subject matter in search of new angles or elements I could mine creatively.....than if I'd spent like, an entire year in a classroom being taught the same concepts.

My approach to story research has never been about technical knowledge, like, crossing my i's and dotting my t's to make sure the details of what I'm writing are accurate.....its always been more about like....the more I read about a subject, the better grasp I have on the in's and out's of it, the better I am at seeing or picking out where there's really interesting stuff that can be the basis of unexpected subplots or plot twists.

And so it eventually occurred to me that if I started picking out which story ideas I pursued not just because I thought the idea was interesting.....but because all the stuff that went along with the idea, the subject matter - scientific or historical or socio-political, etc - was stuff that now that I was thinking about it, I was interested IN, and wanted to know more about.....like.....in the process of researching that story and figuring out the best angles for developing it, I was likely to learn so much more about the related subject matter than I ever would by taking an actual class about the topic.

Basically, I call it weaponizing my tendency to hyperfixate in the pursuit of knowledge, lol.

conversationaltreestump

This was cool thank you! It did take me a couple read-throughs to not just picture all of these people riding on skateboards with their light and sound waves floating around them

Oh that was absolutely one hundred percent deliberate on my part, lol. Don't forget, you're talking to someone who unapologetically watched the fuck out of Fast & Furious: Spy Racers. This particular project has always been one I've pictured playing out in my head as an animated show like Arcane, and given the anti-gravity and solar technology a lot of this world is predicated around, hoverboards & hoverbikes abound. Racing is a bit of a global past-time on Talwei (the planet this is set on).

In fact, beyond the general hoverboard/bike tech, lots of different waveriders (most of whom are absolute adrenaline junkies as a general rule of thumb) have specialized kinds of racing they partake in.

For instance, the original settlers seeded a lot of the atmosphere with floating crystalline deserts, like salt flats made of quartz, because solar energy is a huge source of the planet's energy supply and these crystal flats are tapped as wide-scale solar farms. And a lot of brightriders use solar-powered skiffs in (mostly illegal, lol) races across these crystalline deserts. With their control of light wavelengths, they can directly influence the way their sailing skiffs are powered by the surplus of energy available in those environments AND they can kinda sabotage their competitors at the same time, by manipulating how the lightwaves interact with and empower their own crafts.

(Waverider abilities are just as much about the ABSENCE of the energies particular to each 'rider type as they are the energies themselves. Torchriders can 'generate' and manipulate cold just as readily as they do heat, just by removing or redirecting the heat away from various places. Painting with negative space, as it were. Echoriders can do the same things with silence in the absence of sound. Brightriders, despite their names, use darkness as much as they do light. There's a technique commonly referred to as a 'shadow soak' where brightriders drench their surroundings in darkness.....but most waveriders don't even have to think about the fact that they know they're not actually generating darkness or soaking an environment in it, they're REMOVING brightness, concentrating the ambient light in locations just on the other side of their shadow soak/cloak. So in my head, the brightrider races across crystal flats are actually a really sharp, randomized contrasting of bursts of illumination and swaths of darkness as various racers try to give themselves light-boosts while draping shadows across the other skiffs to slow them down).

And then there's torchriders.....Talwei doesn't have any natural landmasses, which means no natural oceans either.....there's plenty of atmospheric layers with clouds that have precipitation that can be harvested, and the artificial landmasses the settlers created to float in their anti-gravity wells and build their cities on have artificial lakes and rivers....but the vast majority of water Talwei uses comes from the ice rings around the planet (like Saturn's). There are cities built onto the ice rings and with their own artificial atmosphere - not everyone wanted to live on floating cities within the gas giant itself - and the inhabitants of the rings mine the ice and send it down the planet's gravity well as their primary source of trade with those who live w/in the gas giant.

They also use heat to melt the ice into lakes and rivers for their own cities, so the ice rings include thousand mile long stretches of ice and rock and artificial thermal geysers aimed at melting the ice and generating rivers in various intervals.....so torchriders have their own version of racing along the ice rings that's more like....paragliding with caped bodysuits to protect them from the temperature extremes as they use their abilities to manipulate thermal updrafts to soar and bank or douse others' glide currents to leave them in their wake. Which uh....the dramatic interactions of hot and cold fronts by inexperienced torchriders in races has been known to accidentally create a kind of tornado alley that the racers have to navigate so torchrider ice ring races can be VERY dangerous, and are definitely not dull.

But because these are a people who believe firmly in one upmanship, other waveriders delight in even more dangerous past times. Ironriders wear pressurized bodysuits with metallic lining that they can demagnetize and remagnetize at will, using the same polarization technology sky-ships utilize.....and they basically....bodysurf directly through the electromagnetic currents that extend throughout the planet's atmosphere. While skyriders dive off the top (and bottom) of floating cities in their anti-gravity wells and use their own abilities to essentially let them toggle between freefalling and bungee-jumping up and down through the wells. Shockriders use their abilities to race along electromagnetic tracks akin to the ones bullet trains use.

Etc, etc.

The waveriders of Talwei have always had a soft spot among my original creations for being among the most batshit people (collectively speaking) I have ever come up with.

#kalen writes things sometimes #waveriders: firmament universe

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iconicfitnessae · 1 year ago

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From one CrossFit beginner to another… It’s really not as bad as you think, in fact, it’s better!

A CrossFit class (actually, just the gym itself) can be a scary place for anyone walking in for the first time. Even for those who spent their entire childhood on the sports field, or years in the gym following the latest fitness trends and possibly even mastering a few.

Let’s be honest, it’s hard to not feel rattled when you see someone climb up a 15-foot rope like you imagined only Tarzan could, or someone else repping out 100 double-unders, without any break or fault, as if they have springs built into their shoes (I certainly wouldn’t mind a pair of those!). And let’s not forget to mention the machine of a human who makes the assault bike look like an easy Sunday afternoon through the park.

I myself have been lifting for years, and played several sports such as soccer, tennis, and cricket throughout school, so I am certainly no stranger to exercise or physical activity; however, even with such an ‘athletic’ background, stepping into a CrossFit gym made me realize that there is still A LOT I cannot do. BUT that did not mean I would never learn, nor did it exclude me from participating in the classes. From the first moment you step in, you need to remember that we are all at different places in our fitness journeys. It’s something I tell my clients all the time, and now I’m having to remind myself as well. It also reminded me that people such as Tarzan climbing the rope and Terminator on the bike might have started in the very same place as I now found myself to be. So I decided that instead of being discouraged, I would be motivated. But also very patient, because good things take time, and CrossFit things may take even longer. So here I am, to share a few nuggets of advice, based on my own experiences thus far, coming from one beginner to another, which will hopefully put your mind (and ego) at ease, and motivate you to not only get started, but also to keep going!

1. It might take you a while to actually figure out what on Earth is going on!

In the beginning, and probably for some time after, there’s going to be at least one thing in every class, an exercise or terminology—that will leave you totally lost or confused. WOD, AMRAP, EMOM, Clean, Jerk, Snatch, and Hang Snatch (which is different from a regular Snatch). The list seems endless. But many people love CrossFit for this exact reason: it provides so much variety; however, it also makes the learning process a bit more complicated. BUT THAT IS OKAY. Embrace this process and get excited about broadening your skill and knowledge set.

2. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking, or rather, what YOU think they are thinking.

In all honesty and with all due respect, ‘CrossFitters’ are generally way more focused on trying to survive the WOD themselves (WOD being ‘Workout Of the Day – just FYI), or reach a new 1RM (‘1 Rep Max’) to even noticing your flustered face in the class, or the fact that you’re rowing on the rings instead of the prescribed pull-ups because they’re still a bit too tough, or stepping onto the box rather than jumping, because that’s just downright scary. In actuality, modifying exercises, or ‘scaling’ (as we say in CrossFit), will help you gain the necessary strength, technique, and confidence to progress and improve. So just focus on doing the best that YOU can at YOUR current level.

3. The best way (and only way really) to get any better, is to simply PRACTICE, but having a good coach helps a lot too.

Practice consistently and with a great deal of patience. To assist you even further, the workouts used in CrossFit classes (granted you have the right coach) should be programmed to actually help you progress rather quickly without having to do any kind of additional training to play ‘catch-up’. A good coach will also take the time to explain anything you might not understand, and correct your form when necessary. On this note, I encourage you to ask as many questions as you can, no matter how silly you think they may be! Up until now, I still questioned things with my much more experienced CrossFit colleagues on a daily basis. Just last week, I had to ask what the difference is between a ‘Push Press’ and a ‘Push Jerk’. I then came across yet another ‘Press’ (go figure), a ‘Sot Press’, which required further investigation. But now I am all the wiser, and the practice can begin.

4. Workouts focused on Strength Training are actually a lot harder than you might think, even if you don’t break a sweat. And if you don’t believe me, just wait until the following day.

Whilst some CrossFit workouts will leave you absolutely gassed and drenched in sweat (which, funnily enough, is what gets most of us hooked), some workouts will require you to slow things down and focus more on improving technique and increasing weight. Both, however, are equally important parts of the CrossFit equation. Especially if your goal is to get fitter AND stronger. For those who are used to more high intensity, cardiovascular styles of training (such as myself), this can be hard to get used to. You might reach the end of a workout or class feeling like you didn’t really do much at all, other than waste your time. But remember, the effectiveness of a workout should never be determined by how wet your clothes are or how many calories you burn when the timer runs up.

5. Prepare to feel things you’ve never felt before, and to be sore in places you didn’t even know existed—it’s as though starting CrossFit changes your entire anatomy.

From trying to hold in every sneeze or laugh because your core hurts so bad to taking twice the amount of time to climb the stairs. This new style of training, along with all its weird and wonderful exercises, will certainly be a shock to the system, and so your body will naturally need time to adapt. It is all a normal part of the process, and quite ironically, you might get to a point one day where you will actually miss some of that first-time DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness)! I still get a strange sense of satisfaction when I wake up with painful traps in the morning after a day of practicing Cleans.

6. Realizing that you are capable of doing so much more than you ever imagined.

I remember the first time I was finally able to load up the 35-pound barbell with the BIG plates, which I then Cleaned, snatched, and Squatted with, whilst still overhead! This was a monumental moment, and rightly so, because it meant PROGRESS. Be sure to give yourself credit for every progression, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Take a video, tell a friend, celebrate ALL the victories, and never hold yourself back. Too often, we are our own biggest limitations and critics, simply because we’re scared of failure. But so what if you fail at something? With practice, you will get better. CrossFit has taught me to shift my mindset—to aim for progression first and not perfection immediately. And another thing: be proud of those calluses on your hands (ladies, this includes you as well!). They are, in my opinion, little ‘badges of honor’, which represent all the time, effort, and dedication you have put in so far, so learn to appreciate them. With all that said, if there is anything to truly take away from the article above, it’s this: CrossFit does not discriminate based on a person’s age, gender, or fitness level. Everyone is different, and CrossFit understands that. Workouts can always be scaled and adapted to match what YOU are capable of, which will improve and expand over time! So never be discouraged by what you cannot do, you just cannot do it ‘yet’, but one day you can (if that is your goal). What’s more, the CrossFit community itself is just as understanding. The person swinging a 28-kg kettlebell will have nothing to say about the 16-kg in your hands, unless, of course, they’re offering some sort of encouragement or advice to help you along. There are so many reasons to start CrossFit, and even more reasons to stay. Whether that’s for the strength you gain, the confidence you build, or the friends you make through a community like no other, from one beginner to another, it’s really not as bad as you think. In fact, it’s better! If reading this has convinced you to take the first step towards one of the most exciting fitness journeys you will ever encounter, reach out now! Click here and start your CrossFit journey!

Here at Iconic Fitness, we guarantee an environment that is friendly, supportive, and filled with the most positive energy, which will keep you motivated and help you unlock your true potential.

#CrossFit #dubai

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brighteststar707 · 1 year ago

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Yeah, it's been a long time! I've been doing alright, though! I'm kinda mostly waiting for my last school year to be over and find a job so I can earn money and slowly fix my life the way I want.^^"

The fandom is Blue Period! It's actually my next big focus after Mystic Messenger actually, I even found a character I consider my f/o from there! I got a special box with a sketchbook that is full of drawings and illustrations with really good quality! Since the fandom is not even active, there is stuff in this book that you won't find anywhere else, makes me feel good SMSMSM and one of the best parts is that it's in Japanese! So whenever I have progressed way more, I'll come back and read all the new juicy info and new scenarios I've never seen before, exciting!!!!

I also got some bookmarks and two keychains from there! Although I wasn't kinda happy with the shipping process, I'm still very happy I got them!!

Blue Period has also helped me a lot with my path with art, it has given me plenty of motivation and the main character has opened my eyes to so much about art, too! I felt so seen when he had the same thoughts and experiences as me, even if he does oil painting^^"

You can watch the anime or read the manga if it interests you! If you start with the anime, please check the manga out since there is so much more! If you do anything with art, it might give you motivation just like it did to me.

Learning the language can be fun but it is challenging, haha. They are many words that have different pronunciations and stuff I haven't seen in a language before. I found that listening to people speak makes me remember the words easier haha

I hope you are able to rest well, you're doing great, I reassure you! I'm also so happy I got to speak with you again, it really has been a lot of time, holyyyy!

I'm thinking of starting to use Tumblr when I get more Into art again but I'm still here, I still check some stuff every day when I can! <333

I understand that sentiment. So much changes once you're done with school. I'm rooting for this year to be an easy one for you!

Ooh, I've never heard of Blue Period before, but I looked up the premise and it sounds interesting! I will keep it in mind when I'm in the market for a new anime/manga!

It's so wonderful to be able to pull motivation from the media you enjoy, especially when it's a hobby like art or writing where it sometimes feels like you can hit a wall. Funnily enough, even though it has nothing to do with writing, Mysme is what pushed me to write more often and put more effort into it. It's thanks to these guys that I've been able to develop my skills as far as I have.

That merch sounds so nice! That sketchbook especially sounds really detailed and extra bonus that it's something you won't find elsewhere. It'll be fun to see what else it holds once you progress further in Japanese! Shame about the shipping issues with other merch pieces, but at least they made it to you!

I've had similar experiences learning languages. What I love is that each language says so much about the country's culture. I'm currently attempting to learn Italian, and while it has its difficult and awkward moments (I've messed up in front of locals more times than I can count), I love learning about the expressions and their meanings.

Thank you for your support, it means a lot! I'm taking time to catch my breath and to do the things I enjoy before life gets busy again.

#happy to hear that you're still around!#No pressure to come back in a bigger capacity though! Creating can be tiring #faye talks #stormflypirateskin

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lone-wolf-no-more · 2 years ago

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Attention Wars: A New Hope

Tuesday, February 7th, 2023

Admittedly, I’m feeling a bit more hopeful today. I believe that’s largely due to the fact that I finally seem to have both trading bots up and working. And I’m of course insanely encouraged by the extremely positive response I got from Cheri and the Discord on the little music video I created. I honestly had a moment of self-doubt, because especially when I’m trying to create something under a time-crunch, I tend to be my own biggest critic, and yes, I’ll admit it, I STILL struggle hardcore with worrying about rejection and criticism.

So, the thing that I know is needful, is my ability to stay the course, and trust the process, even on those days when things “go wrong”, or when somebody speaks out of turn, and says something maybe a bit off-color to me. Again, daily mindfulness and affirmations seem to be helping with that, and in extension, helping me step into my new identity as somebody who stands behind their actions and does things with full confidence. When somebody misjudges me, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m doing something to the best of my ability, or that maybe if I stopped and took a breather, I could learn a lesson from what they said.

There are no “bad days”, just teachable days. No losses, just lessons. In the case of trading and learning a skill, losses or mistakes literally HAVE to happen for you to realize things. Today I watched a super successful day trader completely stay out of the market. He said, “I am NOT going to try to claim that I know what it’s going to do right now. Even IF you think you see something and you enter, and even if it goes your way, it’s the equivalent of fighting against the wind the whole way. It isn’t worth your mental capital. It’s far better to admit that you don’t know what to do, and just sit on your hands. I am telling you what my 20-year-old self should’ve known when they thought skill was making them win, instead of dumb luck.” So there you go, a “crappy day” had to happen so that I could hear that.

I’m waking up feeling very hazy, and I definitely can attribute that in large part to my digestion being off, once again. While I’ve not deviated from the usual daily Huel drinks and smoothies, I am spacing them out more.

It isn’t doing my stomach or bladder any good to not have at least an hour to an hour and a half between my smoothies or drinks, because they obviously have a liquid base.

Doesn’t benefit my body to have so much water and food so close together. So I believe being disciplined in that “small way” is definitely helping combat sudden afternoon sluggishness and brain fog. I will admit that I think that the morning “kick” I’m getting from my smoothie could be partly due to the sugars in the fruit and the honey, with the latter probably being the bigger factor. I guess my excuse at this point is that it’s far better than the negative effects that caffeine has on me. That much is true at least.

Eissac told me today what I was basically already thinking. That especially as a guy, we’re hardwired to be drawn to movement. So the whole, “I looked at the TV for a split-second so I failed” is indeed overkill.

That being said, I’m still going to call this Day 1, since I was awake past 10PM last night. I did put more stringent time parameters on my phone for everything.

Eissac says he’s going to try starting a print-on-demand business, which honestly sounds pretty cool.

That appeals to my artistic side as well. Honestly, I would love to do something like that (or just something that gets my creative juices flowing), but my brain is basically focused on the shorter-term goals of what I need to do to make money and get a couple income streams going first. Not gonna lie though, I get excited, like REALLY excited when I think about writing my own music, or radio dramas, or creating things in general. Outside of tech, for example, I would love to build a cabin sometime. I did a little construction work back in the day off and on, and I found that I loved working with my hands and building things. But yeah, I'm suuuper excited for you, and hope that business goes well for you, and that you can stick with it and see it through till it is profitable.

Apparent he’s struggling a bit with “spacing out” as well, so kudos to him for not letting that faze him.

While I do think some of my “spacing out” issues are diet-related (like, my digestion is off, so it can mess with my focus and alertness), I partly understand what he means.

Even before my accident, I would get into trouble for drifting off into daydreaming. But more recently I have had the problem of being grounded in the moment, and forgetting what I'm doing moment to moment once I leave my computer. Like, I'll get into a flow state while I'm working on my computer (especially with this Bach organ music I have on now. Hardcore bro lol), but when I leave, my mind gets a bit ADD. Like, I'll start one chore, and then get distracted by starting another. Or, I'll set my phone down, and two seconds later, forget where I put it, and so on. I do believe that over time that between diet, exercise, and mindfulness, I can and will be cured of that.

I would go so far as to say that exercise and movement is in itself a form of mindfulness. You are more mentally aware and connected with your nervous system and your body in that moment, more aware of how things are moving, and how they are moving in relation to each other. I think that's why I've heard some people say that their "daily mediation" is exercise itself. Because it puts them into a flow state, and forces them to be present.

Another thing I'm going to change: sticking with at least one 15 to 20 minute mindfulness session each day, as opposed to trying to do it in the morning, and one time later. Basically, when I wake up in the morning at 8:30 ( must at least do this Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday when I trade) very soon after, I have to be on the charts and ready to go. And then, there are days where I get caught up in work, and I can't immediately drop everything and do a session before noon. I probably should still do it, to be honest. But I think that I shouldn't be so stringent on the rules as to when it should happen. Again, it's about longer-term sustainable habits, ones that are feasible. And one quality, focused session of mindfulness goes a very long way to improving my overall focus, mood, and of course, compounds over time in improving your mental well-being.

Something else just occurred to me. Eissac mentioned today how he’s going to write things down, and eliminate ideas until he has one final one he likes the most. So MUCH of life is like that. Our life ironically becomes more complete not necessarily just because we keep adding things, but because we take away what isn't working, or helping us. Kinda like what I was saying with eliminating the "bad hours" for the trading bot. And then, of course, if you're replacing the unhelpful things with what is moving the needle forward, so to speak, soon you find your life has become more of what you know you actually want it to be. Little by little you’re replace that “bad carburetor” with a brand spanking-new one, those worn out tires with ones with tread, and so on, till you have a completely new, amazing vehicle. This of course can apply to both your body, and to your life as a whole.

And this is by far a better alternative to having a life that you just want to escape.

Again, I’m waking up to each day, and finishing each day, with far less of a feeling of regret, of feeling like time is just slipping away from me. Because that’s the mindset of a spectator, of a victim. And that just IS NOT me anymore!!!!

I feel bad for making you read through this and still not have that video I promised. Good news is that my computer is now processing it. Bad news is that it’s still processing it, and I have only 9 minutes till 9, and I still need to get this post up for Eissac.

So, in the meantime, keep putting in the work, and remember that you got this!

Music for Today:

Tuesday, February 7th, 2023

It isn’t doing my stomach or bladder any good to not have at least an hour to an hour and a half between my smoothies or drinks, because they obviously have a liquid base.

That being said, I’m still going to call this Day 1, since I was awake past 10PM last night. I did put more stringent time parameters on my phone for everything.

Eissac says he’s going to try starting a print-on-demand business, which honestly sounds pretty cool.

Apparent he’s struggling a bit with “spacing out” as well, so kudos to him for not letting that faze him.

While I do think some of my “spacing out” issues are diet-related (like, my digestion is off, so it can mess with my focus and alertness), I partly understand what he means.

And this is by far a better alternative to having a life that you just want to escape.

So, in the meantime, keep putting in the work, and remember that you got this!

Music for Today:

Tuesday, February 7th, 2023

It isn’t doing my stomach or bladder any good to not have at least an hour to an hour and a half between my smoothies or drinks, because they obviously have a liquid base.

That being said, I’m still going to call this Day 1, since I was awake past 10PM last night. I did put more stringent time parameters on my phone for everything.

Eissac says he’s going to try starting a print-on-demand business, which honestly sounds pretty cool.

Apparent he’s struggling a bit with “spacing out” as well, so kudos to him for not letting that faze him.

While I do think some of my “spacing out” issues are diet-related (like, my digestion is off, so it can mess with my focus and alertness), I partly understand what he means.

And this is by far a better alternative to having a life that you just want to escape.

So, in the meantime, keep putting in the work, and remember that you got this!

Music for Today:

youtube

Was first introduced to this song in 2021 when I stumbled into one of Ashley's Twitch streams. Ashley is a musician with a heart of gold, and I'm always uplifted when I attend her streams and hear her put her own artistic spin on songs you have have heard, or just hear her sing her own great originals. Do you yourself and favor and attend one sometime! :)

This song has become like a beacon of warmth and hope on tough days.

Toodaloo.

#Youtube

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musicarenagh · 2 years ago

Text

Ayrton Jimenez Has Released A Deeply Personal And Heartfelt Song 'You're On My Mind' Ayrton Jimenez is from Bristol, which is in the United Kingdom. By combining his Colombian roots with the soulful melodies of Latin music, he has made a sound that is unique and interesting. Ayrton's music is known for being able to make a deep connection with the people who listen to it. He combines his skills as a singer, songwriter, and guitarist in a way that makes music that is both emotional and upbeat. His ultimate goal is to take his listeners on a journey of self-discovery by giving them an experience that makes them feel like they are there. Recently, Ayrton released the deeply personal and heartfelt song "You're On My Mind" under his own name. The song makes you feel sad and full of emotion by using a unique mix of ambient rhythms, blues guitar, and dreamy vocals. Ayrton recorded and produced the whole song in his bedroom, making him a true one-man band. The song shows off his impressive guitar skills, which he learned from greats like Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, and John Mayer. The lyrics of "You're On My Mind" tell a real and painful story of lost love, written as a message to a previous love interest. Ayrton's powerful vocals bring this emotional narrative to life, making it a standout track in his discography. Currently, Ayrton's music is being broadcast on BBC radio, and his fan base is rapidly growing. As a journalist and publicist, I'm excited to see how this really talented musician grows, and I encourage you to keep an ear out for what he does next. Ayrton Jimenez is a name to watch in the music industry, and I have no doubt that his unique style and emotional resonance will continue to captivate audiences all over the world. What is your real and showbiz name? Ayrton Jimenez and Ayrton Jimenez! I don’t have a stage name What would you say is your greatest strength as an artist? Probably my songwriting; it’s something that has always come naturally to me, but up until recently, I didn’t know how to produce it and get it out into the world! Now that I am developing as a producer, I am able to bring more of my songs to life. [caption id="attachment_42238" align="alignnone" width="750"] Ayrton Jimenez Has Released A Deeply Personal And Heartfelt Song 'You're On My Mind'[/caption] What is your creative process when making music? It always starts with the guitar; I’ll usually develop melodies and riffs that way. After that, I start singing melodies over the top, which usually gives me ideas as to the core lyrics, and I can then take pen to paper and start to flesh out the lyrics and story from there. The rest of the instrumentation I write while I am recording, and I try to experiment with new sounds. How long have you been making music, and what attracted you to it? I have been making music since I was 10 years old. I was always fascinated with the guitar and looked up to idols like Elvis Presley and Jimi Hendrix, among many others. I started writing when I was very young and have always had them in my back pocket, but only recently started recording them, and I haven’t looked back! What is the biggest challenge you have had to overcome as a band or artist so far? I think the industry is so saturated now that the main thing is exposure and sticking with it when there aren’t many ears listening! I also think that learning the tech side of the production was an obstacle as it was completely self-taught, but I am getting the hang of it! What streaming sites do you think offer the most value to a band? Spotify, in my opinion, offers the most opportunities because it is the most widely used platform and offers a variety of ways for new artists to gain exposure. [embed]https://youtu.be/hUX3b3khGFE[/embed] How do you think social media or the internet have affected the music scene in your country? I think it’s positive and negative in many ways. On the one hand, it has lowered barriers to entry so that really anyone can release music which is great.

On the flip side of that, you’re a small fish in a huge pond and it can be hard to get noticed! What are your friend's and parents' thoughts on your career? They are generally supportive, but I believe they see it as more of a hobby, haha. What does your current song mean to you? I wrote this one when I was heartbroken as many songwriters do! I think from a lyrical perspective, it reminds me of a hard time but it’s nice to be able to turn that emotion into. something positive and creative. From a musical perspective, I am happy with my new sound as I keep developing as a new artist. What is one message you would give to your fans? Thank you for the support! [embed]https://open.spotify.com/album/6iKIZzKyYrvSbNeQrJ7zkb?si=zKeKzegmSRWQGlHPMtEFTA[/embed]

#Interviews #AyrtonJimenez #AyrtonJimenezWellBuildSomethingNew #AyrtonJimenezYoureOnMyMind #AyrtonJimenezYoursTruly #AyrtonJimenezdeliversahushedaweovertheintimate #AyrtonJimenezHasReleasedADeeplyPersonalAndHeartfeltSongYoureOnMyMind #AyrtonJimeneznewsongimsure #AyrtonJimenezoutwithanewsingle #AyrtonJimenezoutwithanewsong #AyrtonJimenezSinger #AyrtonJimenezTalksAboutLifeAsAMusician #AyrtonJimenezAldridge #HeartfeltImSurebyAyrtonJimenez #ImSurebyAyrtonJimenez #NewmusicfromAyrtonJimenez #newreleaseImSurebyAyrtonJimenez #WereviewedthenewsinglefromAyrtonJimenez

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sonsband · 2 years ago

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Hi!!

Hanya is such a beautiful name <3 Does it have an specific meaning?

And "collect boy groups" ahha I love that.. I'm still pretty new to the whole kpop universe, and so far only SVT, ATZ and a little bit of SKZ really got me to keep up with them... For some reason I never really got involved with girl groups and I don't know why that is, tho I certainly appreciate them and as a bi person... I just feel attacked from all sides hahahaha Maybe the pressure on them to be 'perfect' is even worse than with the boys so they don't feel as genuine... idk... I know you said you collect bg but if you have gg recommendations I'm all ears

I love that you are also close with your family, my cousins all live far away but I love them soo much

AND YES QUEEN KRAKEN; I'm literally Bobby screaming "Kraken-ya" every time I rewatch the Wonderland stage haha... and no... atz definitely don't sleep I... I don't even try to HOPe they rest anymore (great meme btw heheh)

"to kill a monster with a skateboard in my crop top and boy shorts"... like, coolest sentence I've read in a while hahah I used to sing in a choir from 8 until I was 18 years old, I was a soprano and really good at it, but without practice I've lost some of my mojo... But it doesn't stop me to sing along to every single song I can hahaha My dream would be to sing with Dokyeom... (my ult of ults <3). And I studied graphic design tho it was a very basic course and I never really used professionally, it became more of a hobby and I have some creations on my blog, but now I make more gifs (yes, I'm a gif maker haha) Is faster and a little less creatively demanding so is good to pass the time and relax... recoloring stuff is definitely my favorite part of the process (your gift will be a gifset btw haha I'm still deciding on what exactly)

I would LOVE to have acting classes and learn to dance and play an instrument too (piano would be my choice) and I feel like the group of people I would meet in these environments would be incredible, but right now I just moved on my own to a new country so money is kinda short hahaha But I keep an eye out for that and I learned that is never too late to start anything

I love that you say YunGi are normal height cause I'm 1,55m so... shorter than the shorties hahahahah I guess that's why I tend to stan giants (from my pov), must be compensating hahahaha

Do you mind sharing what you do for work? And where will you be traveling, that's exciting!! There was not much celebration per se on my birthday haha I knew my friends would all be working, so I booked a little solo trip and got to meet a new town nearby a had heard lots about... And people were definitely right, I loved the place and had an Amazing time!! One day before my birthday I managed to secure tickets to see Ateez in Madrid which I still cant believe!!! It will be my first big scale concert ever and I also gave myself a ticket to watch the ballet "Giselle" next week, so yeah, a pretty great birthday week/month hahah I'm an ambivert with great people skills and I love my friends, but I LOVE my time alone as well, you know? 😅

Hoping for your excellent week to be realized 🤞🤞🤞

-Atiny Secret Santa <3

Aww thank youuuuu and no it doesn’t have a meaning it’s just the short, familiar, gender neutral version of my name lmao

I do collect them! I pick them up, inspect them, and put them in my bag. You’ve got good taste, “Hot” grabbed me by the throat and did not let me go for a second, the vocals on that are insane. When DK comes out fucking SWINGING?!?!?! I’m manifesting you getting to sing with him, he’s an S-tier fave, we love boys with big ass voices. I used to adore girl groups, but now they’re all so young that I can’t get into them. I remember being on stage as a teenager and 😬 So I still listen to all my 2nd gen nostalgia songs and follow the women in their 30s and 40s instead – when Kara sang “Step” at MAMA I might have teared up just a little. But none of these new girlies could do Hyolyn’s “Laying Low” so I’m fine. Anyway, if you like older girl groups (both have been performing longer and the members aren’t 17), check out EXID, they’re my favorite girl group – “Fire” wasn’t great, but they are, and I missed Solji so much.

Queen Kraken dominated that stage, I cannot beLIEVE she was robbed like that. smh even let Seonghwa ~kill~ her. We need them to sleep, they’re going loopy, I’m always excited for a comeback but I’m even more excited for a NAP.

It was SUCH a good film pitch. It’s about a bunch of skateboarders terrorized by a monster but they’ve all smoked too much and are too paranoid to figure out what’s going on, which is such a funny concept. I can’t skateboard but that’s fine cause the skateboarders can’t act.

Ooh another singer! Sorry you’re a soprano tho :/ (I’m an alto, I gotta get that in). But YES, it doesn’t matter if we sing seriously or nah, it’s so much fun to just belt along with the radio and music is all about enjoyment.

Oh nice! I admire gif makers, I can’t do it, I much prefer gfx (although I haven’t done one for Tumblr in a while orz), and I’m unsearchable on both of my blogs so I’m just like if I can make something annoying enough for one of my friends to chuckle sensibly that’s my goal. Recoloring is so fun but it’s still work, and then on top of all the other stuff to make a good gif set? You’re clearly so much more patient than me, even if it is meditative for you haha

Dude, it’s been so great taking classes again. I’m not any good at Meisner technique (my teacher yelled at me frequently, all of which was very deserved, and I respond better in the arts to brutal honesty and tough love, so my monologues are peak now) but it was amazing to get back into that space with such interesting people. There were some who were so annoying, but that’s the risk and it’s worth it imo. And you’re so right that it’s never too late to try, the secret is that there are fewer interesting roles for younger actors than older actors, and so you’re always growing into something better, even just good scripts to read in a class.

They’re, what, 185-ish? I’m 180, we’re sooooo normal. My fatal flaw is that I immediately assume the tallest male idol on stage is my dad’s height (196) and then when I find out they’re 180-185-ish I’m like oh so they’re normal! Normal height! It’s not our fault these other boys decided to stop growing! (Actually tho – my cousin was so mad when she moved to America for college and all her classmates weren’t at least 190. She scolded her dad for being 195 and skewing her expectations for American men, since he was the only American in their small town. If we point out that Japanese men also aren’t known for being 190, she says at least she wasn’t lied to.)

I work for the food and beverage department of a museum. I do the boring back-end invoice tracking, but when I’m on-site during the parties it’s wild. When parties are booked at the museum there’s a specific vibe – expensive and extravagant and ridiculous and a little bit tastefully tacky – and so it’s always just fun. The last one had a whole crew of dancers dressed as Lichtenstein paintings, in big dresses, bigger wigs, and stylized halftone makeup. A couple months ago was a sneaker ball, where people wore eveningwear and (WayV voice) thousand dollar shoes

I’m going to the Vatican! My dad’s there like yeah lmao you don’t have to come but his partner (deeply Catholic) is spiritually twisting my ear like “you witnessed a miracle, your father got out of a wheelchair, you are GOING.” I’m not meeting the Pope, but I get to watch my dad meet him, which I’m relieved about since I’m not Christian lmao.

Hey, sometimes you get your own little private celebration, and then a second celebration with friends! That’s totally cool! What town, if you don’t mind me asking? And congratulations~ Have so much fun (at both of them) and I want to hear everythinggggggg I’m not kidding I want a full rundown of your favorite parts.

#atzss22

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wolferine · 3 years ago

Text

Family Feud

Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Summary: Wolverine-powered!Reader joins the Avengers and immediately catches the attention of the team’s resident redhead.

Warnings: Violence, blood, language, torture

Word count: 3936

Requested by @confusinggemini612: I love your work & Wolverine is one of my favorite superheroes so could you please do a Natasha x Reader where the reader has the same powers as him? Reader is recruited by Fury & eventually gets closer with Natasha leading to them dating. Thanks

AN: I’m so embarrassed this concept never occurred to me. 😂 Sorry it took so long, it took me a while to plan out so I could do it justice. This will be the first of three parts. Enjoy!

“Fury’s wasting his time,” Natasha says, crossing her legs and leaning so far back in her chair that Clint is surprised she doesn’t completely tip over.

“You think so?” he asks. “I mean, we could always use more help on the team—”

“Yeah, but you’d think we would have some say in the recruiting process, since we’ll be the ones stuck working with them,” Natasha says.

“You say that like Fury has ever made a bad decision.”

Natasha rolls her eyes but shuts up and Clint smiles, because she knows he’s right.

A few minutes later, Fury enters the conference room with you behind him. You’re wearing a dark brown leather jacket with three yellow rings above the elbows, an unbuttoned blue flannel shirt underneath, and a pair of worn jeans. Your hairstyle is unusual, tufted on the sides in a way that reminds Natasha of wolf ears.

Your stoic expression is impossible to read, even with Natasha’s extensive body language training, but there is something about your energy that she is drawn to. You seem confident but alert, but you don’t exude the typical nervousness most newcomers do. While it puts Natasha on edge, she wants to get to know you and for the first time ever, is excited to work with a new recruit.

“This is Y/N,” Fury introduces. “Romanoff, this will be your partner in the upcoming stakeout.”

“Wait, what?” She jumps out of her seat. “You said Clint and I would be together—”

“Change of plans, Barton’s needed elsewhere,” Fury says, glaring at her with his good eye.

“But—” Her act is all for show, of course, but Natasha has some reservations about you. Fury had restricted most of her access to your file, so she had only learned the standard information about you, like your name and birthday (and your listed birthday couldn’t have been correct). No mention of your special abilities or training. Even if Fury trusts you, you still need to earn hers, even if she is willing to go easy on you.

“Are you really gonna argue with me about this right in front of Y/N?” Fury says.

“She won’t hurt my feelings,” you say, and Natasha looks at you. Her eyes are a light, frosty green, almost blue from your distance. Your enhanced nose picks out her scent from Clint’s and Fury’s. She smells like strawberries and vanilla, and you’re happy she isn’t one of those women who likes to drown themselves in perfume.

You’d done your homework on the famous Black Widow, a.k.a. Natasha Romanoff, and were very impressed by her résumé. Meeting her in person finally, you have no doubts about her skills and capabilities. You can tell she is an extremely confident woman who knows how to use her assets (which, from your observations, she has many of).

When Fury had first asked you to work for SHIELD, you expected nothing out of it besides a paycheck and a way to pass the time. But maybe Natasha would change that.

“Well, you’ve hurt my feelings, Romanoff,” Fury says. “And we’re not here to argue. You’re working with Y/N, and that’s an order.”

“Yes, sir,” Natasha grumbles, although when she sees the way you’re staring at her, she doesn’t think it’ll be such a bad idea after all.

***********************************************************************

You and Natasha are assigned to drive through Alberta, Canada, to the safehouse SHIELD couldn’t fly you in because they didn’t want to give away the position. It was a four-hour car ride, and you were a little nervous to fill the silence because you were not normally one to take initiative to speak. But Natasha steps into the role immediately, eager (but not wanting to seem desperately so) to learn more about you.

“So, how old are you?” she asks.

“It’s in my file, which I know you read,” you say.

“I think there’s a typo.”

“Do you think Fury would mess up putting in such important information like that?” you ask.

“No.” Natasha glances at your side profile. If she had to guess, she would’ve put you somewhere in your mid-twenties.

“I’m 25,” you finally say.

“Really? And how long have you been 25?”

“What do you mean?” you ask, playing dumb.

“Your file says your birthday is October 12…1832.”

“Well, that is my birthday.” You slow the truck down as the snow grows heavier on the road.

“That’s not possible.”

“Why not?”

“Because it means that you’re 189 years old.”

“How old is Steve Rogers?” you ask.

Natasha glares at you. She isn’t entirely bothered by your dismissive personality; in fact, she thinks it makes you more mysterious and attractive. But it is a little frustrating. “Okay, but even Steve isn’t that old and you look younger than me. So, what’s your secret? If it’s your skincare routine, I won’t tell anyone—”

“It’s not,” you say.

“So, you can’t die, or you don’t age?” Natasha guesses.

“Pick one.”

Natasha doesn’t like how you’re dodging her questions, but she won’t give up. “Is it true that you fought in World War I? And World War II? So that means you’ll probably be around for World War III—”

“Unfortunately.” You were closing in on celebrating your second century of existence. It was not as fun as any mortal thought it would be. It was extremely lonely and terrifying to know that you might be the only person around when the world finally ends.

“I don’t know what I would do with myself if I could live forever,” Natasha says.

“You adapt,” you say with a shrug.

“So, what do you do to pass the time?”

“Mind my own business.”

Natasha laughs. “You’re funny,” she says, flashing you a smile that makes your stomach do a flip.

A light powdering of snow covers the windshield, but it’s not heavy enough to warrant getting out and anchoring chains to your tires. You haven’t passed another vehicle for miles, either. It’s the middle of the day, and while you’re keeping to the back roads, something feels off.

“You know, you should really wear a seatbelt,” Natasha says out of nowhere.

“Don’t worry about me—” you start.

Suddenly, an entire tree falls into the middle of the road. It’s so close to the truck that even with your enhanced reflexes, there’s no possible way to swerve around it or even stop before you make impact. The hood crumples against the tree trunk.

Natasha jerks forward, but is held back due to her seatbelt. You, on the other hand, are thrown out of your seat, cutting right through the deployed airbag, and smash through the windshield. You fly over the tree trunk, hitting the road headfirst and sliding into a snowbank.

Natasha lifts her head, her neck aching from whiplash, and sees the large hole in the windshield. She can just barely make your form out, lying on your stomach in the middle of the road.

“Y/N?” she calls, pushing aside the deflating airbags.

You come to very quickly, pushing to your feet and wobbling slightly from the head trauma. You turn towards the truck, stumbling and tripping like you’re drunk. Snow covers your entire front and you brush some off.

“Goddamn it,” you mutter, spitting blood and snow out of your mouth.

You walk close enough for Natasha to see the missing patch of skin over your right eye, where it had rubbed off when you skidded across the road. You crack your neck as the wound heals itself.

“Are you okay?” you call, seeing her sitting like a deer in headlights in the passenger seat. “Romanoff, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine!”

“Well, hurry up and get out—” Your eyes scan over the splintered stump of the tree. It looks like someone—and not with the clean chop of an axe—had literally pushed it over. You pause, sniffing in the whirling wind for a scent. Your hands clench into fists, allowing three metal claws to slide out from your forearms between your knuckles.

“That wasn’t in the file,” Natasha mutters to herself. But as disgusted as she is, she’s also very intrigued.

Your body tenses as you scan the thick cluster of trees next to the trunk. You know someone’s nearby—you hear the crunching of snow beneath their feet—but your head is still swimming and you can’t pinpoint their location until it’s too late.

A behemoth of a man comes hurtling out of the trees and tackles you. Razor-sharp nails dig into your shoulders as he grabs you and throws you across the road. Natasha watches helplessly as you fly like a ragdoll.

The man is enormous—at least a head taller than Thor, with thick hair as wildly styled as yours. Natasha swears his nails are longer than what she’s seen some women sport, although his are filed to deadly points. He walks over to you, picking you up by the scruff of your neck, but you twist around and punch your claws straight through his arm. He roars in pain, but doesn’t let you go.

“Hello, Victor,” you snarl.

“What’s up, bub?” Victor smiles, showing off his abnormally long canine teeth and tossing you in the direction of your truck.

When your body smashes into the already-damaged hood, you punch straight through the engine to the ground. Victor sprints over, perching on the tree trunk to reach over and grab you, when—

BANG, BANG, BANG.

Natasha shoots him from behind the windshield.

Victor retreats as you pop up, baring your teeth and claws at him. He’s bleeding from his chest, but you know a few bullets won’t stop your brother. They wouldn��t stop you either, but you also had an indestructible metal skeleton to protect you.

“What are you doing here?” you ask.

“Just passing through,” he says. “I see you’ve already got yourself a new toy.” He looks at Natasha.

“Leave us alone.”

Wisely, Victor retreats and disappears into the trees. You don’t chase after him, retracting your claws and the openings heal over in seconds.

“Are you okay?” you ask Natasha, walking over to her side and opening her door.

“Are you?” She has about a million questions for you, but this is probably not the best time to start.

“I’m fine.” You offer her your hand and help her out of the truck. You gauge the damage to the engine. “That’s probably not gonna start any time soon, is it?”

“I’ll let Fury know,” Natasha says, taking out her phone. “I’m sure he has a Plan B.”

***********************************************************************

Fury’s Plan B turns out to be nothing spectacular and involved a three-mile trek to a motel. Due to the confidential location and nature of the mission, they couldn’t send someone immediately to pick up you and Natasha. While a backup pair of SHIELD agents head to the safe house to take your place, you two would hole up in the motel until tomorrow morning. It wasn’t ideal, but you were in no place to complain, as it had been your brother who had thrown the mission in jeopardy.

After destroying all trackable pieces of the truck and taking your one backpack of essentials each, you and Natasha turn off towards the motel.

“So, who was that guy?” Natasha asks as she trudges behind you.

“Victor,” you say.

“Victor who?” Natasha prods.

“My brother.”

“Like, biological brother?”

“Yeah.”

“So, he’s like, as old as you are?” Natasha asks.

“Uh-huh.”

“Jesus, what did you all eat as children?” she mutters. “Does he also have the…” She’s not really sure what to call the blades that came out of your arms, “…knife things, too?”

“Claws?” you correct. “No.”

Your use of the term “claws” implies they’re biological, but Natasha has never heard of someone being born with such things. And the fact that they’re covered in metal—which, last she checked, was not a biologically occurring element—means you were probably experimented on (not that she wants to jump to such harsh conclusions).

“What did he want?” Natasha asks. “If he was after something, you scared him off pretty quick.”

“It’s a personal thing,” you mumble. “He likes to pop in and out of my life at the most inconvenient times just to piss me off. Like today, for example. You don’t have to worry about him, though. He’s after me, not you.”

“Wow, that makes me feel a lot better about everything, thanks.”

You look at her over your shoulder.

“Did Fury know?” Natasha asks.

“That Victor was gonna show up? No. But I didn’t, either.” You face forward and continue marching. “Like I said, he’s not a big deal, Romanoff.”

“He just compromised our whole mission.”

“And Fury said he’d cover for us, right?”

“He wasn’t very happy about it,” Natasha says.

You stop and turn towards her again. “You think I’m happy about this, either? Victor’s been messing with me for more than a century, Romanoff. It’s literally his thing to show up right when I least need him to. But I know how to handle him.”

“Like you did today?” Natasha crosses her arms over her chest.

You don’t like the way she challenges you. Most people won’t even look at you after they’ve seen the weapons you have in your arms. But you should know by now that Natasha is not like most people. “Did he hurt you?” you ask.

“No.”

“Okay. He didn’t hurt me either, so what’s your problem?”

Natasha glares at you before walking past you. “I thought you’d be a little more responsible, being 200 years old and all.”

“I’m not 200,” you snap, jogging to catch up with her. “Yet.”

“What if he tries to break into the Tower? What if he ambushes us on another mission?” Natasha argues, not realizing she’s already considering going on more missions with you.

“Then he’ll be my problem, not yours,” you repeat.

“Oh, like he was today? Because you definitely didn’t need my help fighting him off, right?”

It suddenly clicks to you what she wants. “Thanks for your help, is that what you wanted me to say?”

“It didn’t hurt to hear,” she responds.

“Well, I didn’t need your help,” you add unwisely, but you’re not trying to be indebted to her. Victor is a pain in your ass, but you knew you could beat him in a fight by yourself. You might lose a limb or two, but they would grow back.

“All right, next time I’ll just watch you get torn to shreds. Sorry for interrupting this time.” You can tell she’s trying to hide her annoyance with you, but you can see it in the way she stomps harder through the snow and swings her arms aggressively by her sides.

“Hey.” You grab onto her shoulder and spin her around. She glares at you with such intensity you almost shrink away, but you remain strong and say, “Thanks.”

Natasha’s lips twitch like she wants to smile, but holds back. “You’re welcome,” she says.

***********************************************************************

When you two finally make it to the motel, there’s only one room left and it only has one bed. Just your luck.

“I’ll sleep on the floor,” you offer immediately as you enter the room. You had literally slept on rocks before, so it’s not a big deal.

“That’s ridiculous,” Natasha says. “The bed is big enough to share.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Well, I do.”

She won’t let you argue with her and steps into the shower. You buy “dinner” from the vending machine, which consists of candy, cookies, and soda. It’s not the healthiest option, but it’s better than nothing. When Natasha is done, you shower and then sit on the bed with her to eat.

“So, do you actually take the time to style your hair like that or does it just grow that way?” Natasha asks, fishing out a gummy bear from the bag.

“Does it look like I take the time to do anything with my appearance?” you respond, offering her your hand and she pours some gummies onto your palm.

She shrugs. “I mean, I think if you put some effort into it, you’d clean up nicely.”

Your chewing slows. “You think I’m ugly?”

“I did not say that,” Natasha corrects, her cheeks reddening.

“So, you think I’m hot?” you ask.

“I did not say that either,” she defends, although her face becomes even redder.

“Well,” you say, taking the opportunity to be bold, “You’re not too bad-looking yourself. You just need to work on the attitude a little bit.”

Natasha gasps dramatically. “Attitude? Look who’s talking!”

You glance around the empty room. “I think you are.”

She shoves your shoulder playfully, but you don’t budge. Natasha swears your shoulder feels like a ball of metal wrapped in muscle and skin. “What the—” She grabs onto your bicep and starts shaking your arm back and forth.

“Having fun?” you ask, watching in amusement.

“Your claws are metal aren’t they, right?” Natasha says. Her hand squeezes down your forearm, then back up to your shoulder. “Is that why it feels like your whole arm has a metal rod in it?”

“All my bones are covered in metal,” you answer automatically.

Natasha lowers the gummy bear from her mouth. “How...How is that possible?”

Suddenly, you feel uncomfortable under her gaze. Very few people know what really happened, and your own memory of the events are fuzzy. As part of your deal of working with Fury, he promised to look into the government division responsible for the surgery that turned you into an indestructible killing machine.

“Wait, I’m sorry, you don’t have to talk about it,” Natasha hurries to say when she sees your fallen expression.

“I—It’s fine,” you lie, shaking off Natasha’s hand and tossing a few gummy bears into your mouth. But your stomach twists into knots, and you know you won’t have a fun time going to sleep that night.

After you finish all the snacks, you slide under the scratchy sheets, practically lying on the edge, wanting to give Natasha as much space as possible.

“That doesn’t look comfortable,” she comments, trying to hold back a laugh when she sees you about to fall off the bed.

“It’s not.”

“So, move over,” Natasha says. “You can’t possibly be scared of me.”

But you’re more worried that you’ll accidentally hurt her than anything. You have no control over yourself when you sleep. If you were lucky, you’d have no dreams, but most of the time, your head was filled with nightmarish flashbacks of the hundred-plus years you’ve lived. Plus, Victor showing up did not put you in a good mood.

“You’re not scared of me?” you ask, rolling over to face her.

“Should I be?” she asks.

“I mean, these claws aren’t really used for making friends.”

“I think they’re badass,” she says. “Good night, Y/N.”

“Good night, Romanoff.” You turn to face the wall and close your eyes.

***********************************************************************

You’re strapped to a platform underwater. Bubbles from your regulator obscure your vision, but not enough as you can still see the people in clean, pressed military suits sipping champagne and standing around your tank to view you like a science experiment.

But that’s all you were to them. Literally.

Someone in a surgical hood and face mask hovers over you, holding an enormous needle in their gloved hands. The barrel of the syringe is filled with a silver liquid, and the masked figure shoves the needle into your left shoulder and pushes the plunger.

It feels like your entire arm is on fire as molten metal is pushed directly onto your body. The metal drains down to the bones in your forearm and adheres to your claws, turning them into virtually indestructible knives.

But the pain is unbearable. You try thrashing and screaming, knocking the regulator out of your mouth and accidentally drowning yourself. Water rushes into your lungs, but all you can focus on is the agony in your arm. You release your claws and the metal tips rip apart your knuckles as they come shooting out, clouding the water red with blood.

“The subject is not responding well to the injection.”

“Since when have we cared about the subject’s comfort?”

Someone reaches in and shoves the regulator back in your mouth. You’ve swallowed too much water and your heart skyrockets in panic.

“Continue with the other arm.”

You feel the needle enter your right shoulder, but no amount of screaming stops them.

***********************************************************************

Natasha wakes up when she hears your mumbling and tossing in bed. At first, she thinks you’re doing it on purpose to be annoying, but when she turns to tell you off, she sees sweat on your forehead and the veins popping on your neck.

“Um, Y/N?” She pokes your arm gingerly.

You twist in the blankets violently until you’ve literally cocooned yourself.

“Stop,” you gasp. “Please.”

Natasha recognizes you’re having a PTSD nightmare. “Y/N,” she says in a calm voice. She doesn’t want to suddenly wake you, especially with your claws. “Y/N, it’s okay, but you need to wake up—”

“RAAAAHHHHHH!” You shoot up, all claws extending from your hands and shredding the blankets to ribbons. Natasha rolls out of bed to avoid getting hurt. As you pant heavily, you look around the room and remember where you are. You don’t see Natasha anywhere.

“…Romanoff?” you say to the darkness.

“Over here.”

You scramble to the other side of the bed and see her lying on the floor.

“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry.” You untangle yourself from the remains of the blankets and offer her your hand. Natasha takes it and you pull her up.

“No, it’s okay,” she says. “I should’ve known better—”

“Did I hurt you?” you ask worriedly, examining her for any cuts.

“No, I’m fine.”

But you can’t risk getting so close to harming her again. “I’ll sleep on the floor,” you offer.

“No, you won’t. Stay in bed,” she says, but it’s more of a command than anything.

“Romanoff—”

“Please.”

You grudgingly move over so she can get back in bed with you. It’s a terrible idea, and you’re determined to stay awake the rest of the night if you have to.

“I get nightmares, too,” Natasha says, pulling the remains of the blankets over herself. “Sometimes it helps to talk about them. You don’t have to tell me anything, but if you want to, I’m here to listen.”

Against your better judgment, you say, “The procedure. That made me this.” You hold up one of your hands for emphasis.

Natasha scoots closer to you where she can feel your body heat radiating against her skin.

“I only remember it in bits and pieces, but...it’s probably better that way,” you admit. “Because what I do remember is just…” You trail off, not ready to talk about your darkest fears with Natasha.

“It’s okay,” she says, gently laying her head on your shoulder. Despite your metal bones under the layer of muscle, she thinks you make a pretty comfortable pillow. “You’re safe from them now. And if anyone tries to hurt you, I’ll protect you.”

“Really? You’ll protect me?”

“What? You don’t think I can do it?”

You twist your head to glance at her. You’ve barely known Natasha for 24 hours, and you’re already sharing a bed with her and putting more trust in her than you’ve given people you’ve known for decades. What is it about this woman that is so different from almost every other person you meet?

“I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags: @yeetus-thyself @phoenixofash @yeeterthekeeper @diaryoflife @norwaynatasharomanoff @lovelyy-moonlight @nightingalxxc-blog @supersourlemon13 @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @d14n4ol @whitelotus00 @happylittle-dillpickle-12 @ssa-shaylam @mjaudrey @jazromanoff @ryunniez @007giu @wandaslittlewhore @ymzki-haruki @ki33es @fayhar @m-zne237 @kyalinsworld @bentleywolf29 @furys-eyepatch @kermy48 @awkward-and-indecisive @whofan88 @alexxislex @marrymemcgrath @marvels-bitch-boy @bonkie-barnes @makegoodchoices @thewidowsghost @darkangelxoxo @t00manyfand0ms @k47-r47ny @alexxislex @anastasiabeaverhousen87

Click here for Part 2.

AN: Ah, it feels nice to finally use the one-bed trope. With my own twist, as usual.

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff #black widow x reader #natasha x reader #black widow #black widow fanfiction #natasha romanoff fanfic

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fuu-miku · 3 years ago

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Gus Porter is autistic - Meltdowns and self-esteem.

So. Season 2 episode 18, Labyrinth Runners, huh. Tbh I’ve never seen Gus as autistic even tho I saw a short headcanon post here and there, but this new ep? Holy hell guys. This is as canon as it’s going to get, I cannot be convinced otherwise, and I’m pretty much convinced it’s intentional. This single-handedly made me love Gus much more, and I now hold him dear to my heart. If you wanna skip to the new ep stuff, go to the keep reading section.

First of all, let’s have a rundown of possible autism traits Gus has shown so far: 1- Like the others, he’s somewhat of a misfit and doesn’t have many friends. 2- Special interest in humans. Leads to rambling/infodumping and excitement, I’m specifically thinking of the whole “human” nickname scene but there are tons of examples of that. 3- His special interest in human culture is driven by a curiosity, the want to amass knowledge about it, and he likes to makes theories about it, like why humans get wires to their teeth. It’s kind of like a puzzle, but it’s also a whole rich world and culture to explore and, relatable. I couldn’t find a clip of it but iirc he explains what he likes about illusion magic at some point and it felt very in that same vein as well. 4- Speaks to himself pretty regularly. (Irl with asd it’s usually either to help sensory/emotional processing, but can also be because of a lack of awareness of social norms or even control) 5- Socially awkward gifted kid nerd trope. Self-explanatory. 6- Sometimes says rudely blunt things, seemingly not knowing it’s the wrong thing to say. Ex: Willow: “We weren’t going to leave you behind.” Gus: “I was.” Willow: “Gus!” -elbows him- (important to note it wasn’t in a sassy or bitter manner) / “Don’t worry, we’ll get you out, dead or alive!” -Willow looks at him and shakes her head. Gus sees that, his eyebrows rise and his expression shift- “Okay, alive!” / Even thought it’s magic, the “Better luck next time!” and “goodbye forever!” messages feels like an instance of this as well 7- That goes hand in hand with not being able to read a room. Ex: Willow, worried/horrified: “Luz is in a witch’s dual!” Gus, excited: “Yeah, and she can win it all! Yeah yeah!” -epic finger guns- 8- Generally a stickler for rules and knows a lot about cultural history of the Boiling Isles. He can remember specific rules and dates, etc. 9- Strong moral code, thinking of the illusion graveyard ep specifically. (that’s not a diss, rigid morality and unlikeliness for corruption really is extremely common in autism and a diagnosis trait) 10- A certain social obliviousness. With overcrowding Willow, getting betrayed by fellow illusion coven students, and I couldn’t find a clip of it but iirc most Human Club members weren’t as excited about human stuff as much as he thought 11- ”Gus chomp”? This boy just dissed every existing social norm ever 12- Self-esteem issues due to social problems and perfectionism, as well as feeling like his special interest/skill (illusions) is useless/dumb and wanting to change that about himself. Here’s a good compilation to see many of those in clips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISSkcKdzN6s&ab_channel=Milasia

Ok. Um... I didn’t think that’d be so long. Well that used to not be enough evidence to sell me on the headcanon, so below the cut we get to the new ep! Beware spoilers!

The angst? Delicious. Relatable.

There’s obviously the obliviousness and naivety + hard time reading people of Gus thinking he’s friends with a classmate after they teamed up to work on 1 project together once and said classmate left all the work to him. Gus didn’t notice him/think much of him not working on the assignment at all and said “we’re practically best friends now!” before he learned the truth from accidentally eavesdropping. To think you’re best friend-level getting along with someone who was obviously using him, like let’s be honest the dude didn’t look like he’s a very good actor and the vibes are very much rather that Gus is very easy to fool, especially since Gus says he “did it again”. “Why does this keep happening?”. This isn’t a “kid learns a lesson that some people will pretend to be his friend for their own gain” thing, this is a “it happens again and again but Gus can’t see the warning signs”. He’s confused. He doesn’t get it. This is a fundamental social thing that he cannot identify, that he does not learn from no matter how often it happens to him. “What’s wrong with me, why can’t I learn?”. I’m sobbing y’all. Undiagnosed autism right there. He knows something is wrong, but social cues just do not click, and he doesn’t have the tools or knowledge he needs to know why he can't read them. He can’t tell when someone likes him or not, leaving him to wallow or overanalyze social interactions or friendships sometimes, like when he was sad over overcrowding Willow. And it’s not like he never got any trust issues either, after all he pushes away Willow at first, and wouldn’t believe Hunter’s comfort until he did the breathing exercise.

The confusion, the trauma, the anxiety, the sheer emotional turmoil of hurt and betrayal and the crushing of self-esteem for not being able to tell. “Everyone thinks I’m the smart one, so why do I keep acting so dumb?” “I can’t even trust myself [my perspective of what’s happening] anymore.”

Meltdowns share similarities with anxiety and panic attacks, because it comes from what I listed just above. This? Is a meltdown.

This isn’t just a panic attack. This is an outburst, a coping mechanism, even if it is characterized by intense emotions and stress and a loss of control.

Source: https://www.rdiconnect.com/what-is-an-autism-meltdown/ (don’t mind it being mainly written for autism moms) It isn’t necessarily written the best way for the purpose of highlighting Gus’ situation, and meltdowns can also be from sensory overload and others, but Gus’ is obviously because of an emotional overload. Hunter coming in with the breathing exercise shows that he had to calm down for it to stop as well. This may be one of the most powerful visual representations of a meltdown I’ve ever seen. Meltdowns cause you to explode and often lash out, it’s not just internal or even crumbling down alone in a corner, it’s compared to temper tantrums and you can hurt others. Which is why the illusions are affecting others as well, not just him, despite them being caused by him because of his emotional state, and that he doesn’t want it to happen. It sucks for everyone involved and it’s very overwhelming.

As an autistic who only got diagnosed at 18, who learned that she had 0 friends when she thought she was bestie with all her classmates because everyone pretended, who when I look at memories of being tricked I can see obvious signs of dishonesty when it just didn’t register at the time, this resonates so, so much. Result: I got social anxiety, but overanalyzing everything and bending myself for other people didn’t help, I still got taken advantage of and thought of as annoying, though self-improvement and learning more about social stuff did help as I grew up. I was a gifted kid academically, but couldn’t tell who’s a bff and who literally could not wait to get away from me. Time and time again. And yeah, most of the time I learned through accidentally hearing something they didn’t want me to.

If you’ve watched She-ra and the Princesses of Power or you know a fair bit of pop culture, you can see huge similarities in Gus and Entrapta, who is confirmed to have been intentionally written as autistic. And that similarity is the confusion when it comes to social situations and betrayal. It’s not that they’re not trying, or that they’re dumb, it’s that they genuinely can’t tell when someone likes them or not and such. In both cases, it causes deep self-esteem issues and trauma. It’s honestly heartbreakingly relatable to see their eyes widen in realization when the bubble gets popped and it becomes obvious and explicit that the friendship they thought they had was a lie. It’s even more heartbreakingly relatable when statements such as “I’m supposed to be smart, so why do I keep acting so dumb” and “I can’t even trust my vision of the events” and “I just wasn’t suited for friendship” be like... True, y’know? It’s not just an exaggeration of their feelings or 1 bad experience, it’s how we are, and we just have to cope with it, accept it and find a good entourage we can trust. This is a good compilation of Entrapta angst if you’re interested, huge spoilers beware: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrW54RZFTAQ&ab_channel=tlr748

Also on the note of several main characters showing numerous signs of autism or other neurodivergences: Neurodivergent people tend to gravitate to each other, which makes our main TOH cast of misfits all/most having some neurodivergence not surprising or “unrealistic”. A diagnosis shouldn’t make them any less loveable to you. Though, of course, we’re all entitled to our own opinions and visions of them & that’s valid. /gen

Thank you The Owl House, for keeping delivering with the great rep

Not me crying writing this, no u, nothing more to see here

#the owl house #gus porter #autistic headcanon #my posts #my content #asd #autism #analysis #character analysis #labyrinth runners #augustus porter #actually autistic #autistic #autistic pride #angst #meltdown #relatable #autistic gus porter

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writingwithcolor · 3 years ago

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Gingerbread man as golem

@yaronata asked:

I would like to write a character who is Jewish and uses a Golem. She's based on the D&D class of the artificer which looks magic but isn't, because they produce all their effects with inventions, like the "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" quote. Her story is that her very Jewish town was under attack from a terrible monster when she was little. Her Rabbis made a Golem to protect the town, and it succeeded but was torn to pieces in the process. She was fascinated by the Golem and as a kid didn't see a big difference between it's sentience and person's so was really thankful for its sacrifice like you would a person's sacrificing their life for you. They thought all the pieces had been devoured by the monster before it died, but she went looking and found the piece used to animate the Golem, which she, kinda misunderstanding called its "heart". She kept the piece and grew up to be an incredibly skilled cook, specialising as a baker in the town. I imagine she would make a lot of really good food for the Jewish holidays, or to break fasts on ones like Yom Kippur or Tish'abav. But she also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice and the town still being alive, because I feel "we are not dead woo" is a big theme for Jewish holidays from my research, so it could fit, for which she invented ginger bread men to be the golem, and gave them little "hearts" of fruit or honey, and you're meant to eat them limb by limb like the beast did before eating the heart. This would be the inspiration for using the "heart" piece later to make her own giant gingerbread Golem to help her save the world.

These are my questions 1) would it be considered bad or disrespectful for someone who isn't a Rabbi to make a Golem, or is this method of taking an animating piece someone else made disrespectful? 2) Her journey will take her far from her town and her Jewish family and friends and she will likely travel with gentiles. Would it be disrespectful for a Golem to be used to protect a lot of gentiles and one Jew in the course of saving the world? I don't want to fall into the stereotype of someone putting all their effort into valuing and protecting very specifically the group that in real life is oppressive to them. 3) While she is not using magic and is actually mimicking its effects with technology she invents, is this drawing too close to the line of "magical Jew"? 4) I like to "play test" my characters in ttrpgs to really get a feel for them before I write. Would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character when I am a gentile, and would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character in a setting where there are demonstrably real gods other than the one of Judaism?

I really like this character idea and I think it's cute and fun and rooted in Jewish culture but I really want to make sure it's respectful and as good as I, a gentile researching on the internet, thinks it is. Thanks so much! Have a nice day!

My answer to this is very complicated because there are things I both like and do not like about this premise. First of all, I love the idea of a cookie golem, and I'm even imagining the magic word that brings him to life (EMET/truth) would be written in icing. And I'm okay with the part about how she found a piece of the old golem and used it to build a new golem, because that makes sense for a golem made from a baked good when you think about how people use sourdough starter to make a new batch of sourdough.

However, here are the thing that make me cock my head to the side like my little sister's German shepherd:

1. re: "magical Jew" - that's not a trope I've ever heard of. Remember, marginalized groups don't receive identical disrespect across the board. It is indeed a trope to use Black people or disabled people as supernatural plot devices who exist only to further the stories of white main characters or able-bodied main characters. But I can't say as I've ever seen anyone using Jewishness that way. Usually if we are someone's one-dimensional plot device it's as someone's lawyer, fixer, "money guy", etc, not a supernatural force. So this isn't something you have to worry about.

2. I have a certain level of discomfort with you playing as a Jewish character just because playacting as a marginalized culture you're not part of strikes me as off, but I understand that that's how you gain insight into a character you're about to write so it's more of a writing exercise than anything else. (I wonder if D&D regulars from marginalized groups have written about this -- I've only played a few times casually with family so if I did run into this type of discussion in my social justice reading I wouldn't have absorbed it. If anyone is curious I played first as Captain Werewolf, and then switched to playing as Cinnamon Blade because lawful good was too hard. :P )

3. I would prefer you omit the detail about eating the cookies piece by piece symbolically, for two reasons: a. it unintentionally evokes Communion by having appreciative people consume a baked good symbolic of an entity who sacrificed his life for theirs, and b. focusing on the details of flesh consumption reminds me too much of Blood Libel (yes, a gingerbread man is in the shape of a person but how many of us actually think about it literally, the way this act would cause?)

As to your first question: I'm fine with her making a golem even though she's just a rando. Second question: I see what you're saying and maybe it could be more okay if it's really clear how well these gentile folks are treating her? And questions three and four are answered above.

I really do love the idea of a giant gingerbread man golem. Cookie golem T_T <3

--Shira

I would like to second Shira’s point about not ripping apart the gingerbread cookies. I honestly would prefer they were used as decoration, and other cookies eaten instead, since that part just feels so not-Jewish to me, but I don’t have golem-specific issues other than that. It seems like you have already been doing a lot of research, which is appreciated.

As far as the ttrpg/DnD aspect… I bounce back and forth on the topic of playing characters that are so very different from our experiences, other than in fantasy-related ways. However, I am aware that a lot of people will play with, and experiment with gender in game, and learn something about themselves in the process (the number of trans players of ttrpgs who tried out their gender in game before they were out is high). It’s different with Judaism, and even more significantly different when it comes to things you can’t convert into, like various actual, real-world races. But because people do sometimes experience growth from experiences like this, I’m hesitant to dissuade players completely. I do urge you to, at a minimum, bring the same care, research, and willingness to learn, that you brought to this question.

--Dierdra

This sounds like a creative storyline that you could have lots of fun with 😊

At first I was confused by this part:

She also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice

But then you really got me thinking about different types of Jewish holidays and how they come about, so thank you for that!

Because it’s often the little details that either make a story super powerful or kind of nonsensical, I think it would be a good idea to decide what type of holiday is being created here:

A full-blown chag with restrictions on labour and halachic obligations? These are commanded in Torah and new ones can’t be added.

A minor yom tov with halachic obligations but no restrictions? These were instituted by the rabbis prior to the destruction of the Temple, so again new ones can’t be added.

A public holiday or equivalent? This would usually be declared by the Knesset in Israel, and filter to the rest of the Jewish world from there.

A community-based yom tov with specific customs only for people in the know, such as certain Chasidic groups celebrating the birthdays of their deceased leaders? I asked around, but no one can really tell me how these holidays get started, which is probably a good indication that they arise quite organically from a group of people who all just feel that it should be celebrated. Probably not created by a single person, as such.

Something she runs from her bakery, not religion-based, but more like a day of doing special products and deals the way many small businesses do on their anniversary?

Now, if the people of a modern-day town were actually saved by a real live Golem, that would arguably be the most overt miracle for many generations, so there would be a decent chance of options 3 and/or 4 happening. It’s entirely plausible that there could be special foods for this day that become a tradition, including Golem cookies. People who directly benefited might also return to the site where the Golem fought the monster and recite the prayer, ‘Blessed is Hashem, Master of the Universe, Who performed a miracle for me in this place.’

Alternatively, if it’s important that your MC created the holiday, something like option 5 might be the best. Hopefully this will still fulfil what you need: you describe her as incredibly skilled, so I can imagine the day when she goes all out on the Golem cookies being one of the most exciting events of the year for the townspeople, just because her baking is that good. Plus, they already have a personal stake in the Golem’s sacrifice, so I definitely think it could be a thing without being an official holiday. Also, if she is outside of an all-Jewish environment, don’t forget that she would have to decide whether to commemorate the anniversary in the Hebrew calendar or the local one.

Coming back to the cookies, sorry if we’re getting a little repetitive on this point! But I don’t see the cookies being torn limb from limb as part of a celebration. First of all, this doesn’t sound like a very celebratory thing to do, to say the least. Can you imagine explaining that to a three-year-old on their first Yom HaGolem? They would be terrified! (I don’t read this suggestion as accidental anti-Semitism so much as getting carried away with a metaphor, which I’m sure as writers we have all done!)

But also, it’s worth pointing out that our commemorative foods aren’t usually that literal. If you think about hamantaschen, maror, or apple in honey, they’re all symbols. That’s not to say that having Golem-shaped cookies is a problem, as this sounds like just a bit of fun that the MC is having and not something that is directly at odds with Judaism or Jewish culture. But it’s worth bearing in mind that the more literal you go from there in terms of tying the cookies to the event they commemorate, the less culturally aligned your holiday food becomes.

Finally, about the Golem protecting non-Jewish people: I like this idea! There’s a stereotype that we only use whatever is at our disposal to help ourselves and other Jewish people, so a Golem being created by Jews but helping others as well is a big plus for me. Of course, as has already been pointed out, this would be an odd choice if her Saving The World team were anti-Semitic or otherwise disrespectful to her/her community, but I don’t think you were headed that way!

-Shoshi

I have to come back in here just to squee over the phrase “Yom HaGolem.” Well done :D

--Shira

#asks #Jewish #dnd #golem #food #Jewish stereotypes

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folklorelise · 4 years ago

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That one time he said “you’re not my mother” & “I love you”

That one time they said, “you’re not my mother!” and that one time they said “I love you” — I decided to combine these two because I found it was too short otherwise :) enjoy

MASTERLIST

Eren Yaeger:

Most of the time, when Eren and Jean were fighting, it was in a friendly way – always bickering like siblings which is way if Levi or you were there, you would never get involved.

That is why when that one time they were fighting – for real – you and Levi arrived too late. Eren received a punch on his face and Jean had his arm broken. When you two noticed what was happening, you quickly run to where they were and separated them. Mikasa and you were restraining Eren while Levi took Jean away.

“Eren, you’re bleeding. Let’s go.” you told him before bringing him with you. “Mikasa, can you and the others stay here with Kuchel please?”

“Of course.”

When you arrived in your office, you took out your first aid kit and cleaned one of his wounds, and then stitched it up.

“What happened?” you asked Eren when you were done with the stitches.

“Nothing.”

“Well, you both ended up hurting each other so no, it was not nothing.” you argued.

“Whatever.” Eren mumbled.

“Eren! This is serious.” you raised your voice, “Jean was hurt–.”

“So was I! Why is it always everything about Jean with you? Oh right! He is your favourite after all.”

“This is not what we’re talking about right now. This is about you two being childish. Yes, you were hurt but Jean is not a titan, he can’t heal overnight. I don’t know why the fight started and I don’t want to because I’m sure it was for a ridiculous reason anyway.”

Eren was still on his nerves and he knew if he said anything, he would regret it – so he just kept quiet and stared at his shoes.

“You really don’t have anything to say?” you sighed. “Eren–, you should apologise. Both of–.”

“STOP! Stop pretending to care about me if all you want is go and check on Jean. Stop pretending you care about me at all – just, stop.”

“Eren–.” your voice quavered.

“And stop acting like my mother because you’re not. So, just leave me alone!” Eren yelled because storming out.

When you found Levi in his office, he was doing some paperwork with Kuchel on his lap.

“How did it go with Eren?” Levi asked you without looking up.

“Hm… not great.” you whimpered.

As soon as Levi heard your voice, he looked up and saw that your eyes were still red and puffy. He put Kuchel on the ground and came to embrace you. You continued to cry in his arms, putting your head on his shoulder.

“What happened?” Levi asked worried.

Levi did not insist on it when you refused to talk about it. Levi asked Sasha, Connie, and Jean to take care of Kuchel the rest of the day so he could spend the day with you.

You spend the day in your bedroom, switching between crying and sleeping. Levi stayed with you the whole time, with you clinging on him. After a few hours, you finally started to calm down and were ready to talk.

“Eren said that… it sounds ridiculous actually,” you tried to laugh, “he said that I wasn’t his mother which is true, I’m not.” you explained. “Is it weird? That I’m hurt because I consider Eren, and all of them, as one of my own children?”

“Eren’s an idiot. I’m sure he didn’t mean it.” Levi tried to reassure you.

Eren, on his side, went back to his room and stayed there for the rest of the day. After he calmed down and realised what he said to you, he started to regret it. He did not mean any of the words he said to you.

For the next few days, whenever you and Eren would see each other, you would just walk away. You did not know what to say to Eren, therefore you just decided to avoid him which is something everyone noticed. Eren really wanted to talk to you, he wanted to apologise but with you constantly walking away, it was impossible. Eren decided he would ask the captain’s help.

“I know she probably told you what happened.” Eren told Levi when he went to his office, “I just want to apologise, please?”

“Fine. She’s with Kuchel in our room.” Levi thought. “Then go and clean the stable!”

“Thank you.”

Eren run to your bedroom and went in without knocking. He found you reading a story to Kuchel and hesitated a second before calling your name.

“Eren!” you shouted surprised.

“I’m sorry, it’s just – I know you wouldn’t have opened the door.” Eren explained. “Mom,” Eren started before breaking down crying, “I’m sorry, please don’t ignore me anymore.”

“No cry.” Kuchel shouted, “ma-ma kiss, no cry.” she pulled your sleeve.

“Please don’t hate me.” Eren whispered.

“I could never hate you.” you said before hugging him.

Eren hold you so tightly that you could barely move.

“It’s ok,” you reassured him, “I could never hate one of my kids.” you admitted.

“So, you’re not mad right?”

“I’m not. It’s ok.” you patted his back.

“I didn’t mean.” Eren added, “I didn’t mean any of it.” Eren paused before adding “because I love you mom. I do.”

“Eren,” you smiled, “I love you too.”

“Lowe ma-ma me!” Kuchel shouted because you and Eren were too far away from her.

“I’m going to go now.” Eren said, “I still have cleaning duty.”

Eren left, and a sigh of relief left your mouth. Having him directly tell you that he did not mean it was a relief.

Jean Kirstein:

Levi had been thinking about having Jean to replace him as captain in a few years or even make him squad leader. Jean obviously proved himself to be a great leader – there was no excuse not to promote him to a higher rank. He never talked about that to anyone though, particularly not to you because he knew how worried you would be. After some time, Levi decided he would talk about it with Erwin.

“Are you telling me this because you want to retire?” Erwin asked him.

“No. I don’t to retire right now.”

“Okay.” Erwin took a moment to process what Levi just told him, “What did Y/N say?”

“Nothing.” Levi casually answered.

“Really?”

“I didn’t tell her anything yet.”

“Oh… Well, I don’t see any problems in making Jean a captain now or in a few years. He has a good sense of leadership. I think that’s a great idea.” Erwin stated.

“Bur?” Levi asked expecting Erwin to continue.

“No ‘but’, just…” Erwin took a deep breath, smiling slightly, “really excited to see Y/N’s reaction.”

“She’ll love that.”

After a few days, Levi decided to call you in his office at the same time as Jean to announce the big news he had. When Jean and you arrived, he sat down at his desk before explaining why he asked to see you.

“You grew up and learned a lot these past few months and years. You have every quality to make a great captain or even squad leader.”

“Oh,” Jean blushed, “thank you, but why are you telling me this?”

“I talked about it with Erwin, and he agrees with me that–.”

“Wait.” you cut Levi in his sentence, “are you seriously trying to make Jean captain right now?” you asked dumbstruck.

“If he wants, yes.”

“What?” you laughed nervously. “No! It’s… he’s a child! This is too much responsibility and pression for him.” you argued. “Jean,” you turned around to face him, “you’re not–.”

“Y/N,” Levi cut you, “he’s not a child anymore. You know how skilled he is on the field so why are you doing this?”

“Because being a captain is too much pressure! You are responsible for everything! Yes, it includes victories, but also every death of your friends and squad members.” you rumbled, “Jean, you’re not… you can’t do this. I refuse.”

“Y/N–.” Levi started but was cut short by Jean.

“You’re not my mother!” Jean yelled, “you don’t have the right to decide for me!” he added before leaving the room.

Silence prevailed in the room. Then suddenly you started to sob violently and collapsed on the ground. Levi slowly approached you and wrapped you in his arms.

“It’s ok.” Levi whispered, “he didn’t mean it.”

You spent the rest of the day in bed, regretting everything you previously said to Jean. Levi stayed beside you, trying to calm you down but it was not successful. At night, Levi decided to pay Jean a visit to see if he calmed down. When he knocked on Jean’s door, he heard a quiet ‘come in’. Jean was curled up on himself on his bed, with his blanket over him.

“I’m sorry.” Jean sobbed. “I– I.”

“You don’t have to apologise to me.” Levi said. “Tomorrow morning, you’ll come and apologise to Y/N because no one can understand you in this state.” Levi referred to his sobbing. “She’s sorry too, just so you know.”

Then, Levi came back to you and saw that you calmed down a bit, but he knew you were hurt. It was not the first time that one of the kids told you that. When Eren did, you were inconsolable and did stayed in bed for a few days.

The next day, Jean was up really early. He came in your office and waited for you inside, sitting on the couch. He waited a few hours, but you still were not there. You were eating breakfast and played a bit with Kuchel. When you finally walked in your office, you found Jean asleep on your couch. You took the blanket you kept for you at night and delicately put it on Jean, which did not work since he instantly woke up.

“Mom!” Jean said surprised and then immediately looked away.

Neither one of you knew what to say. You sat on the table in front of his, while he was still standing awkwardly.

“I’m sorry!” you both shouted at the same time.

“No!” Jean quickly added, “I didn’t– I didn’t mean it because it’s not true. You are. You are my mom and… I’m sorry, please don’t hate me.” Jean finished his sentence trying to hold his tears back.

“I– I’m sorry too.” you apologised and walked to him to hug him, “I’m sorry because I think you would make a great captain.” you tried to smile. “You are really talented, and it would be a waste not to make you captain.”

“No, if you’re not happy I don’t–.”

“I am happy, I was just scared.” you admitted. “You… you are my child and seeing you all grown-up and taking responsibilities… is terrifying. I don’t want to you to go through what Levi, and I did when we lost–.” you suddenly stopped, not wanting to talk about how many friends you all loss.

“I thought that you refused because you didn’t think I was good enough.” Jean admitted.

“You are good enough. You are more than that. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

“I’m sorry too.” Jean repeated.

Jean was always the first one to volunteer to take care of Kuchel when neither you nor Levi could. He loved spending time with her. He grew up without siblings, so since he saw you and Levi like his parents, Kuchel was like his little sister.

“Jean, thank you for doing this.” you gave him Kuchel, “Levi and I will be back in a few hours.”

“No problem, have a safe trip!”

Jean brought Kuchel back to his room and let her play with her toys. In the meantime, Armin, Eren and Mikasa came to see Kuchel too. Sasha and Connie came later on and stayed with Jean to play with Kuchel.

“Ja!” Kuchel screamed when she saw that Jean stopped playing with her.

“What did you say?” Jean asked shocked.

“Ja.” Kuchel pointed at Jean.

“That’s my name.” Jean said happily, “can you guys believe it?” he said to his friends.

“Oh, come on,” Connie replied, “It could be anything else.”

After trying to make Kuchel repeat it a few times, which was a failure, Sasha and Connie left Jean alone since they had cleaning duties to do before the Captain came back.

“I know you said my name earlier, even though you won’t repeat, it’s fine.”

“Ma-ma?” Kuchel asked.

“She’ll be back soon don’t worry.” Jean started to clean her toys. “You know, you’re very lucky to have them as your parents. They are awesome. I love them. I mean mom– no, da– no– I mean they’re great, you know?” Jean explained as if Kuchel could understand. “Never mind.”

Jean realised what he just said and started to think about if he should tell you or not. On one hand, he wanted to because he wanted you to know how much he appreciated you being there for him, but on the other hand, it was embarrassing.

“Kirstein.” Levi called him when he found him. “I still have to go and see Erwin so drop Kuchel to Y/N.” Levi told him.

“Da-da!” Kuchel yelled happily.

Levi kissed her before leaving. Jean walked to your office and knocked on the door.

“Yes?”

“It’s me, Jean.”

“Come in.” you said, “Kuchel, hiii.” you hold your baby. “How was the day with her?” you asked Jean.

“Good. It was good.” Jean answered. “I have to mh… go. Sasha and Connie, they’re… they need me.”

“Oh, okay, thank–.”

“I love you, bye mom!” Jean said before left running.

“Ja lowe ma-ma.”

When Levi came back to your office, he found you sitting on the couch looking at the ceiling.

“What’s the matter with you?”

“Jean just said he loves me. I can’t believe all my children are now opening to me now.” you pretended to cry. “Also, Kuchel just said Jean’s nam.”

“What?”

“Here, take Kuchel because I have to go and see Jean.”

“Ja!”

“Why?” Levi asked.

“He ran away before I could say anything.”

“A weirdo,” Levi looked at Kuchel, “the first name you said had to be his…”

“You always pretend to be annoyed by him, when I know for a fact you lo–.”

“Not listening, bye.” Levi closed the door before you could finish.

When you went to Jean’s room, he was obviously not here. Therefore, you just decided to take a piece of paper and then put it on his pillow.

When Jean came back to his room, he found a little piece of saying “I love you my boy, you didn’t have to run away.” And it was signed “Mom”.

Armin Arlet:

Armin’s new job was to teach the new cadets the expeditions’ strategy. When new cadets arrived in the survey corps, they were always surprised at how often Armin, Eren, Jean and Mikasa would call you ‘mom’ which ended up being their favourite topic during the day.

As usual, Armin would be early, waiting for the new soldiers to arrive. A group of friends were already there, talking way too loudly.

“You heard that too right?” one of them asked.

“Heard what?” another one asked.

“How the captain’s squad calls squad leader Y/N ‘mom’.”

“Yeah and?”

“Oh, come on. She obviously isn’t their real mom.”

“She isn’t?”

“Are you stupid? Anyway, I think that’s weird. I mean she has her own kid, right?”

Their discussion was cut short by other people arriving. Armin pretended he did not hear them and taught his class professionally. Near the end of the class, you decided to come so you could see if everything went well. You quietly took a place and watched until the end. When Armin was over, you walked to him started to congratulate him.

“Armin, you are a natural at this. That was really great!” you hugged him.

At the back, the group of friends who was talking about Armin and you earlier started to laugh, which Armin noticed. Armin immediately stepped away from you.

“Wh–.” you started.

“Stop doing that, you’re not my mother.” Armin stated loudly enough for everyone to hear. “Stop acting like my mother please.”

Every news cadets were looking at you both – the room was silent. Armin instantly regretted was he said and wanted to apologise but you just forced a smiled and left. You went to Levi’s office, who was with Kuchel.

“Hey. How was–.” Levi started to ask but stopped when he saw you trying to hold back yours tears.

“Armin said it. In front of so many people – it was… horrible.” you cried.

“Ma-ma?” Kuchel crawled towards you.

Levi stood up and came to hug you while Kuchel was grasping on your leg.

“Y/N, they never mean it.” Levi reassured you.

“But…” you shook your head, “there was so many people watching us! No, they were staring at us.”

“Do you want me to go and talk to Armin?”

“No! It’s fine.” you sighed. “I mean… at this rate I’m used to it now.” you tried to laugh it up, but just ended up continuing sobbing.

“Ma-ma no cry!” Kuchel tried to comfort you.

“I’m not.” you smiled picking her up.

Levi and you spend the day playing with Kuchel – you tried to forget what Armin said and Levi wanted you not to think about it too much. Playing with Kuchel was one of the solutions. When it was time to eat, Levi suggested that he should just brought the food so you could eat in his office.

While Levi was gone, you gave Kuchel her toys and went to the bathroom. When you came back, Armin was playing with Kuchel.

“Armin. Hey.”

“Hey.” Armin mumbled. “Mh, I knocked on the door, but no one answered.”

“It’s ok.”

After a few minutes of silence, Levi entered the room with the food and stopped when he saw Armin. Levi looked at you and put the food on his desk.

“Do you need me to stay?” Levi whispered.

“Can you come back in ten minutes with Kuchel please?”

“Yeah.” Levi took Kuchel and left.

“I’m sorry about what I said.” Armin apologised looking at his feet. “I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not! I never should’ve said it on front of these people. I never should’ve said anything at all because it’s not true. I don’t think that.”

“Then why did you? Because… It’s just that these past few weeks, I,” you sighed loudly, “I heard that a lot…”

“Mom…” Armin frowned before hugging you. “I’m sorry.”

When you asked Armin what made him say it, he just avoided the question, saying that it was not important. Then, Levi came back so Armin left. He asked you what Armin had said, you told him that Armin did not say much.

A few days passed and you started to forget about that incident, but Levi wanted to know why it happened in the first place. That was why he asked Armin to meet him in his office one morning.

“What happened that morning?” Levi asked him.

Armin instantly knew what he was talking about and immediately looked away.

“I–.” Armin hesitated.

“No need to lie to me. I’ll know and you would just be wasting our time.”

“I heard people talking.” Armin whispered weakly. “They were saying things… like how weird it was for us to call her ‘mom’. And I thought, maybe that’s true.” Armin explained slowly. “I don’t know, I guess I wanted to show to these people that… it wasn’t true.”

When Armin was done talking, Levi nodded and let Armin leave. Levi never told you because Armin asked him not to. Armin never told anyone else what happened either – it was now their secret.

After that incident where you got badly injured, the cadets were having a hard time at night as well, especially for Armin and Jean who had to witness your body being thrown away. Both of them saw your body falling from a high level without being able to help.

Armin felt guilty because if he were not for him, you never would have got injured. After you woke up, he never really talked with you because of that guilt. You tried to talk to him because you wanted to make sure he was doing great, but every time he saw you, he would just walk away.

He would very often get nightmares too – it would often be about you regretting saving him, about you telling him that he should stop talking to you. He was scared.

“Armin,” Mikasa called him, “are you ok?”

“Yes. Why?” Armin answered absent-minded.

“You don’t look like yourself since… you know. Did you talk to–.”

“No.”

“Go talk to her.” Mikasa advised her friend.

After a few days of doing nothing, Mikasa decided to come to you because she was worried for Armin.

“I think Armin isn’t… He’s not ok.” Mikasa told you one morning.

“He’s been avoiding me I know. I thought giving him some space would be good, but I will talk to him.”

“He’s probably in his room, he’s not going out much.” Mikasa informed you.

“Thank you.”

You walked to Armin’s room and opened it without knocking, knowing if you did, he would have pretended to not be here. Armin was still sleeping, so you took a chair and placed it beside his bed and sat down. You took the book next to his bed and started to read it.

“AAH!” Armin screamed when he woke up.

“Why are you screaming like this in the morning!” you quickly put the book down.

“What– why are you here?” Armina asked hiding under his blanket.

“Mikasa was worried about you, and so was I. Why have you been avoiding me?”

“I haven’t.”

“Armin,” you stood up so you could sit on his bed, “Just tell me what has been bothering you.”

“Do you hate me?” Armin asked slowly after a long silence.

“What? No! Why would I?”

“You were hurt because of me. I was careless and–.”

“Armin, I don’t hate you.”

“But you almost–. Because of me…”

“I don’t hate you; I could never hate you. And it was not your fault at all. It was mine; I was careless and I didn’t think before acting.”

“Ok, that’s… good.” then Armin mumbled something else.

“What?” you asked confused.

“I love you mom.” Armin said timidly, looking away.

“I love you too Armin.” you said hugging him. “Get dressed now, I will wait for you in the mess hall.”

“Don’t tell anyone I said that!” Armin screamed when you left.

He was really embarrassed about it, but he was glad he did it. You were glad too, and you did not tell anyone beside Levi – you were too happy to not tell him.

Mikasa Ackerman:

Levi and his squad were training at hand-on-hand combat as usual, only this time, Mikasa was so distracted she ended spraining her ankle. She did not tell anyone and walked on her feet as if nothing happened. Eren noticed though. He noticed how she was putting more weight on her uninjured leg.

“What’s wrong with you?” Eren asked her once they were alone.

“Nothing.”

“What’s wrong with your leg?” Eren insisted.

“Noth–.”

“It’s clearly swollen. Your ankle is twice the size of the other one!”

“I’m fine.”

“Did you tell mom yet?”

“No, why would I?” Mikasa asked.

“Because you’re hurt which means you’re not going tomorrow.”

“We don’t run or walk – I’ll be fine.” Mikasa told him before leaving.

Eren decided if to tell you himself because he knew how stubborn Mikasa was. He found you with Levi in his office.

“Eren, hi!” you greeted him.

“Talk.” Levi said annoyed. “Don’t just stand here silently.”

“She’s hurt but she doesn’t want to tell you. Her ankle, she probably sprained it when we were training. And she wants to go to tomorrow’s expedition like that.”

“Oh, I’ll go and talk to her then.” you told them. “I will be right back.”

You assumed Mikasa would be in her room at this hour, so you went to her bedroom. You knocked on her door and a few seconds, Mikasa opened the door.

“Can I come in?” you smiled.

“Mh, yes.”

You watched Mikasa carefully, but she was good at pretending to be ok. You sat on her bed before making small talk first. You asked her how the training went.

“Fine.”

“Eren told me that you hurt yourself.”

“I’m fine.” Mikasa answered coldly.

“If it’s true, I don’t want you to leave tomorrow.”

“I’m fine.” Mikasa repeated irritated.

“Show me your ankle.”

“No.”

“Mikasa.”

“I said I’m fine, so stop. It doesn’t even hurt and if I go to sleep right now, I’ll have enough rest.”

“No. It’ll be worse if you leave tomorrow so you’re not going. That’s an order.” you concluded.

“You’re not my superior!” Mikasa shouted.

“Oh, you think Levi would disagree with me?” you laughed sarcastically.

“Well, you’re not my mother to decide something like this!” Mikasa argued.

“Mik–.”

“No, I- I’m sorry.” Mikasa immediately apologised. “I’m sorry.” Mikasa repeated.

“It’s ok.” you whispered. “It’s ok.”

“I’ll stay here tomorrow.” Mikasa agreed looking down.

“Do you need me to stay here with you tomorrow?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Okay. Then I’ll go now.” you stood up.

“You’re not mad right?” Mikasa asked timidly before you left. “I didn’t mean it, I was just…”

“I’m not,” you turned around, “I know you didn’t mean it.”

Mikasa nodded and you smiled at her before closing the door. When you went back to Levi, Eren was still here as well.

“Mom! What did she say?” Eren asked.

“She’ll stay here.” you reassured Eren, “you can go now.”

“Are you ok?” Levi asked you once Eren left.

“Yes.” you paused a second before repeating, “Yes, I’m ok.”

“Ok.” Levi smiled slightly before walking up to you to kiss you.

After your accident, Mikasa became overprotective of you. When Levi started to work again after a few weeks, he was reluctant to do so because that meant leaving you. Fortunately, Mikasa told him that she would stay and help you until he was over with work.

Mikasa would bring you food and help you with some of your paperwork too.

“How are you feeling today?” Mikasa asked you.

“I’m ok thanks to you. You really didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

Mikasa spent an entire week with you and Kuchel. Levi was glad that Mikasa was with you since he knew how serious she was about your safety. One night, when Levi came back pretty late, he found Mikasa sleeping in bed with you while Kuchel was in the middle, still awake. Levi gently took Kuchel and left with her.

“I guess I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.” Levi told Kuchel when he put her to sleep.

When he came back, he noticed that neither one of you had a blanket one you so before going to sleep, he put one on each of you.

In the morning, Mikasa was the first one to wake up. When she realised that she was in your bed, she quickly left the bed so she could leave, but before she could she looked at you and said: “I love you mom.”, thinking you were asleep.

“Mmh, I love you too Mikasa, now go back to sleep.” you mumbled still half asleep.

Mikasa’s eyes widened and left quickly thinking she had dreamt it. Levi was the next one to wake up but decided to continue to sleep next to you when he saw that Mikasa was no longer in the bed.

“Morning.” you said half awake. “Hey. Where did you sleep?”

“Couch.” Levi answered holding you tightly.

“M’sorry ‘bout that.”

“It’s ok.”

After you both brushed your teeth and washed your face – you went to eat. Mikasa was already in the mess hall with her friends, and she kept avoiding your gaze.

“What’s the matter with you?” Eren asked Mikasa.

“Nothing.”

“Mom!” Eren yelled, “come eat with us!”

Mikasa ate her breakfast really quickly before leaving. Eren and Armin were confused as much as Levi was. You were confused at first too, but then you remember what Mikasa had said to you before leaving – you excused yourself and went after her. You found her in her room, hiding under her blanket. You sat down and tried to take the blanket off.

“Mikasa come on, don’t be embarrassed.”

“How can I not?”

“Do you want to know a secret?” you waited for an answer but Mikasa did not say a thing, “You’re not the only one who said it so there’s no need to be embarrassed...”

“What?” Mikasa suddenly stood up. “Who did?”

“You know… some of them.” you admitted before leaving as if nothing happened.

“I need to know.” Mikasa murmured to herself.

#attack on titan x reader #levi ackerman x reader #squad leader mom au #eren yaeger x squad leader mom #mikasa ackerman x squad leader mom #jean kirstein x squad leader mom #armin arlet x squad leader mom #levi ackerman #armin arlet #mikasa ackerman #eren yaeger #jean kirstein #attack on titan fluff #levi akerman fluff

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ko-riacchi · 4 years ago

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Pairing: Shigaraki x F!Reader Genre: Smut, Angst Length: 4,3k

WARNINGS: NONCON!

Thank you to @cultbabyyy who read through it as soon as I was done And thank you to @kazooli whose fics made me realize that I can write whatever the fuck I want

(Inspired by Yagami Yato’s Shigaraki Pt.3 audio)

Tomura was a man-child. Which meant that when he had a new toy, he couldn’t help himself but to rub it in other people’s faces that he had something that they – in fact – no longer had.

The room was dimly lit, most of the light coming from the computer screen and the various sources of blue light stemming from the computer tower, mouse and keyboard.

Tomura sat in his computer chair, arms possessively wrapped around your form and you wriggled and squirmed in his grip, trying to get loose.

“Now, now,” Tomura rasped into your ear. “Don’t struggle too much. You wouldn’t want any accidents to happen, now would you?”

Your face scrunched up and you bit your lip, knowing exactly what Tomura could do to you – even accidentally – and you stilled in his grasp.

His right hand left your figure now that you were placated and grabbed the computer mouse, the sound of it clicking reverberating through the otherwise quiet room.

You weren’t particularly interested in whatever he was doing on his computer, so you let your eyes wander through the room. You needed to find a way to get out of this situation, this room and especially this dangerous hold that he had over you.

You knew that the first two were comparatively easy to achieve, once you had successfully managed to pull off the latter one. After all, you hadn’t managed to become a pro hero without learning a skill or two.

But your offensive quirk just wasn’t suited to squirm free of his grasp without potentially getting disintegrated should all of his five fingers touch your body. Usually, you were quite content with your abilities but right now you couldn’t help but curse yourself for not being born with a quirk more similar to the one of your old teacher, Eraserhead.

Your gaze continued to examine the room, trying to find anything at all that could help you in your predicament. But mostly, the shelves were littered with games upon games, accompanied by the corresponding console. Behind you, a bed stood in the corner of the room, the sheets thrown on it carelessly. While those may not be able to aid you in your initial quest to rid yourself of his dangerous hands, you would be able to use them to cut off his vision once you had gotten free – even if it was just for a second.

Your thought process was interrupted by Tomura, whose hand slid back to your body, grasping your hip in his hand while making sure that his pinky was lifted as to not accidentally kill you.

“Now we just have to wait for a few more minutes and the show can get started,” he said, his hands leisurely beginning to stroke your sides.

“Show?” you echoed confused and for the first time, your focus landed on the computer screen in front of you where a website you didn’t recognize was opened.

What you did recognize however, was the screen in the middle which reflected your own surprised face and the grinning one of Tomura behind you. Your eyes flitted to the top of the monitor to find a small camera on top, the little red light on the bottom center telling you that it was currently recording.

Back on the monitor screen, your eyes zoomed in on a small number in the corner and quickly you concluded that it showed the current viewer number of what obviously was a live stream.

“Wh-what are you planning, Shigaraki?” you asked him and turned your head and upper body so you could look in his eyes.

His gaze locked on to yours and a grin stretched across his face, cracked lips quickly moistened by his tongue so they wouldn’t crack further.

“Why, I thought since I’ve got you here, it would be a… shame not to share all the fun we’re about to have with the world,” he explained. “I even sent some links out to your dear colleagues, wouldn’t want them to miss out on it, now would we?”

Your eyes darted back to the monitor for a second, the viewer counter steadily rising, before you locked your eyes with Tomura again.

“It doesn’t matter in what way you’ll try to hurt me. I’m a hero, for God’s sake, don’t think I’m not used to pain. All you’re going to achieve by streaming this, is that my colleagues will trace the IP and find this place even faster.” You sent him a defiant look.

Tomura erupted into cackling laughter, sounding like the crazy madman he was. “Hurt you? Oh no no no no, I think you’re misunderstanding. I’m not going to hurt you.” His right hand moved upwards to grip the top of your hero uniform; his pinky raised by acquired habit.

“Rather, I thought…” he continued, his grip hardening around the sturdy material before he purposefully burrowed his hand in it. “We could have some fun in a different way.”

Your horrified gaze went towards your chest, where the material of your suit began to crumble away in ashes, opening the view to your undergarments.

“Fuck you!” you screamed and started to struggle in his grasp. His left hand gripped your side harder, pinky raised, while his right hand came up to grip your chin.

“N’ah, ah, ah,” he chided you and his grip on your chin became painful. “Don’t forget that I hold your life in my hands.”

Before you had the chance to reply to him, his lips descended upon yours. His kiss was harsh and bruising, the feeling of his chapped lips uncomfortable on yours. You tried to break free of his hold, but it was futile. His tongue slipped out of his mouth and licked your lips, hoping to gain entry. You pressed them together more fiercely, your jaw gnashing with the force you brought up to keep your mouth closed.

Tomura clicked his tongue in disapproval. He took his mouth off you for a second to take a look at your tense face.

“Now, now, doll, while it would be a shame if this level was too easy to clear, I think you still don’t understand exactly in what situation you are currently in.”

As if to prove his point, his hand lifted from your jaw and gripped the fabric of your sports bra with all of his fingers. Instantly, the material began to crumble away under his grip until all that remained was a small heap of ashes on your legs.

Now, with nothing to cover your shame, your face burned with embarrassment and your arms shot up to cover your breasts.

“Oh, don’t get shy on me,” Tomura grinned and grabbed your arms to pull them away from your chest. “I’m sure your viewers would love to get a good look at you.”

You tried to fight his grip, but his raw strength was far superior to yours, so you had no chance but to uncover your breasts for everyone to see. Your eyes felt hot and began to sting but you refused to let any tears fall. A hero didn’t cry, no matter how dire the situation got. On the screen, you saw an influx of messages on the chat, not even bothering to try and read the contents; you were sure that it wasn’t something you would actually want to read.

Before Tomura could continue to embarrass you further, a “ding” sounded from the computer speaker into the silence of the room. This led Tomura to giggle in excitement.

“Seems like the first one of our special guests has just entered the stream,” he said from behind you. Your head whipped around to face him. “What is that supposed to mean?” you asked him, your voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Oh, don’t worry, my doll. That ‘ding’ you just heard? Means that one of my invitation links just got opened and one of your colleagues just decided to finally join us. Why don’t you be nice and greet him?”

Tomura took your right hand he was still holding and began to wave it for the camera. Your eyes closed in frustration, knowing there was nothing you could do about it. When he was finally done waving for you, his hand let go of your wrist and immediately you covered your chest the best you could.

His now free hand gripped your hair and pulled your head back. His head burrowed itself in the crook of your neck, nibbling and biting at your skin. His lips moved up towards your ear and he whispered “Now, let’s make sure that we put on a good show for our viewers.” before taking your earlobe into his mouth and biting on it.

“Once I’m out of here, I’ll fucking kill you,” you answered him through gritted teeth, trying to ignore the unpleasant wet feeling of his mouth on you. You felt him smile against your skin, but he didn’t say anything to you in return. Instead, his hand left your hair and glided down your face and neck, making its way down to your breasts.

Your hand gripped his wrist, trying to keep him from touching you in this intimate place but you already knew that you wouldn’t be able to stop him. Moments later, Tomura’s hand had reached its goal and he began to fondle your breast roughly, pulling and twisting your nipple.

Your face scrunched up in pain and once more, you tried to pull his hand away from your body – to no avail. He continued tugging and twisting and shamefully you noticed that your nipple was getting hard. You knew that it was merely a bodily response to being stimulated but it was still hard to stomach that your body was reacting to it when you sure as hell weren’t enjoying his ministrations in the slightest.

And it seemed like you weren’t the only one who had noticed. Tomura had as well and you felt his grin against your neck. “Oh, seems like somebody’s enjoying it?” he gloated and tugged on your nipple harder.

“As if!” you exclaimed, hoping that nobody else would believe his incredulous words. Everything about his touches was uncomfortable: His grip was rough and his hand felt scratchy on your delicate skin.

Once more, you started to wriggle in his grasp, knowing that nothing would come out of it. With just the threat of his hands, he had you defeated before you had even started fighting. And although what was about to happen horrified and scared you, death scared you even more.

Now his left hand let go of yours and instantly, you started curling in on yourself, trying to prevent him from touching you further or the viewers on the stream from seeing you. He allowed you to remain in this position for a few moments while his gaze was fixed on the screen, reading the influx of comments.

“It seems like the majority of our viewers want us to move on to the next level already,” Tomura said and his left hand snaked under your armpit and up to your throat, tilting your body back against his.

“What do you say we give the people what they want?” Another tug on your nipple, and his hand left your breast before it continued downwards to your panties. Your hands clawed at his arm, trying to free yourself from his grip and save the last bit of dignity you still had left. Tomura wasn’t fazed by that however and his hand steadily continued until it had clawed into the material of your underwear and it decayed into nothingness along with your last shred of hope to somehow free yourself of this situation.

The little pile of dust that had settled on your crotch was blown away by Tomura and his mouth stretched into a wide grin, his dry lips close to cracking open. The hand that had disintegrated your panties now took your right thigh and pulled it to the side, effectively spreading your legs and displaying your pussy for everyone on the stream to see.

You had closed your eyes, not wanting to see yourself and your shameful display mirrored on the screen. Your hands, that had been on his arm up until now, trying to free yourself of his grasp, fell limply to your sides as all fight left your body. You knew that there was no way you would be able to get yourself out of this situation before Tomura had had the chance to defile you. Your only option at this point was to wait for your colleagues to arrive and save you – and hoping that you wouldn’t get killed before they would do so.

Once Tomura felt your body slacken, he began to laugh. “What? Not gonna fight me anymore?” he asked, his voice full of malicious joy. “And here I was beginning to enjoy your feisty attitude.”

Your change in behavior didn’t however stop him from continuing on with his little show and his right hand moved from your thigh to your pussy lips, spreading them open with the pointer and middle finger of his hand to give his audience a good show.

“That’s some grade A hero pussy,” he grinned into the camera as rubbed his finger around your hole a few times. “I wonder how many dicks it has taken so far…”

He turned his face from the camera to you as if he was waiting for an answer. You weren’t willing to give him that information though and kept your mouth shut, even as he lifted his other hand from your neck to your cheeks to squeeze them and get you to talk.

After a moment however, it seemed as if he had lost patience waiting for your answer, as he retracted his hand and put it back into place on your neck.

“It doesn’t matter. Once I’ve fucked you, I’ll have you ruined for other dicks for all eternity,” he cackled, his pointer finger pushing into your dry cunt immediately after he had finished his sentence.

You hissed out in pain. The skin on his finger was rough and you – surprise, surprise – were not turned on at all, so it hurt when he shoved it inside without any preparation at all.

When Tomura heard your hiss, he cackled again, moving his finger around inside you.

“If you’re already struggling to take my finger, you will break apart once I shove my cock inside you.”

Slowly, he began to move his finger, and with horror you felt yourself getting wetter and wetter the more he prodded your walls. Soon, he was able to fit a second finger inside your heat, angling them upwards and against where he had read the g-spot was.

When you took a sharp breath, he knew that he had been successful and he continued to push against the little rough patch of skin, knowing it would be so much more bitter for you if your body enjoyed the ordeal.

After a few moments of pumping his fingers inside you, he stopped and leaned forward a bit, reading through the comments in the chat.

He laughed. “Yeah, that little hero pussy is getting nice and wet,” he replied to one commenter. “It’s sucking my fingers right in.”

As if to demonstrate, he pulled his fingers out a bit and moved them around, until a squelching sound could be heard, and then pushed them all the way inside again, which elicited a muffled moan you hadn’t been able to stop in time.

“She’s definitely enjoying herself,” he answered another comment, looking at you with a sleazy grin. “Isn’t that right, hero slut?”

You grit your teeth and held back the curses and slurs you wanted to reply with, knowing that it would amuse your tormenter.

Once Tomura felt like he had replied to enough comments, he turned his attention back to you, thrusting his fingers inside you harshly one last time before he took them out, lifting them to the camera first to show the glistening juices before he put them inside his mouth and licked them with an exaggerated hum.

“I hope you’re ready for the final boss,” he whispered into your ear, although he made sure that it was loud enough for his audience to hear.

You shook your head, one last time trying to squirm out of his grasp. All that achieved however was that your ass rubbed against Tomura’s bulge and he let out a soft hiss.

“No need to be impatient, little hero slut,” he said with a grin as the hand that held your neck lifted you higher so the other hand could loosen and push down his pants.

Even if you hadn’t wanted to, as soon as Tomura’s erection bobbed free and sprang up between your legs, your eyes wandered to it, widening when you saw his size.

Tomura had to have seen your expression mirrored in the stream because he let out a manic laugh, his entire body (and dick) shaking with the emotion.

“Oh, don’t worry, it won’t hurt… much,” he cackled as he rubbed his dick along your slit, coating it in your juices. You body twitched when the tip of his dick rubbed over your clit and a shameful whimper escaped your throat, although you willed yourself immediately to shut up.

Not wanting to see your own violation, you closed your eyes as Tomura positioned himself at your entrance and began to slowly push inside.

You couldn’t hold back the hiss that escaped your throat at the intrusion, nor the squirming as you tried to get away from it.

Tomura only tightened his grip on your neck you, pushing your body down on him as his dick breached further and further into your wet heat.

Tears threatened to escape your eyes once Tomura was fully seated in you and only through sheer willpower, you managed to hold them back, unwilling to give up this last bit of pride you had.

“Fuck, you’re tight,” Tomura groaned, stilling for a second to get used to the feeling of your cunt. “Don’t tell me you were a virgin?”

You bit your lip, refusing to answer the villain. No matter what you would say, he would only find it amusing and possibly use it to torment you further, either calling you a stuck-up hero bitch, thinking you’re too good for anyone, or a hero slut, willing to let anyone willing fuck you.

When Tomura realized he wasn’t getting an answer from you, he chuckled before he adjusted his four-finger grip on your neck, pulled almost all the way out of your cunt and slammed you down again until he was inside you to the base.

A pained cry flew from your lips but you had no time to even try and hold back your voice anymore, because Tomura immediately continued to jackhammer into you, moaning and panting into your ear as he showed the world how your cunt ate up his dick.

Your hands flew up to grab at his arm, futilely trying to steady yourself at least a bit, as he pushed and pushed and pushed into you. Squelching noises you were sure the microphone was picking up as well, came from your cunt as it greedily sucked Tomura’s dick back in every time he pulled back.

“Fuck, this is some grade A pussy,” Tomura groaned, his hips only slowing down a bit as his muscles began to hurt from the position. He caught his breath while he lazily thrusted into you, his moist breath uncomfortable on your ear.

Suddenly, Tomura moved and stood up from his chair, pushing you up as well with his hips. The hand that was around your throat slipped from under your arm and instead pushed down onto your back, laying you flat on his computer desk while his dick never left your tight cunt.

As soon as he had finished adjusting to the new position, he began railing you again, his hips slamming against your ass as his dick burrowed inside you further and further.

You let out a pained scream as his thrusts reached even deeper now, clenching your eyes shut as you tried to shut out the pain. At least in this position, the camera wasn’t able to get a shot of your face, you thought in relief, as it was too high to capture your body laid out on the desk.

Tomura must’ve noticed that fact as well because the next moment, the hand that pushed your back down moved up and grabbed your hair, pulling you up so your face was angled towards the camera. Your eyes flew open, a choked cry leaving you as you felt the burn on your scalp of your hair being pulled.

Right in front of you, you could see the red blinking light of the recoding camera and even though you wanted to close your eyes again, you found that the position made it impossible for you to do so.

So you had no choice but to stare into the camera as Tomura fucked you from behind while grunting and panting, your eyebrows furrowing as your eyes filled with tears.

After a minute of thrusting and you getting slammed against the desk again and again, Tomura leaned forward to read some more comments, his face erupting into a cackle when he read one of them.

“They’re saying I’m not taking care of you,” he told you, pulling at your hair some more so your head leant on his shoulder. “Saying you look like you’re not enjoying yourself.” He let go of your hair which caused you to fall forward onto the desk, almost slamming your head on the wood. “Let’s change that, shall we?”

With those words, his right hand began snaking around your waist, moving down so he could rub at your clit. His other hand pulled your back against his chest, giving the camera a better view and himself some more room to move his hand around your little nub.

At first, it was easy to ignore the touches on your clit, instead focusing on your uncomfortable position but then, he moved his fingers in a way that teased your clit just right and your mouth flew open as a loud moan left your lips.

“Ahh, so that’s what gets you going,” he laughed, immediately repeating the motion and trying to get you to make some more noises. You tried to hold back the sounds, tried to force yourself to close your mouth so no more moans and whimpers could escape you, but Tomura simply moved his hand on your chest upwards, pushing two of his fingers inside you mouth so it would stay open.

His thrusts had increased in speed again, his dick rubbing against your g-spot as his hands teased your clit and you felt yourself getting closer and closer to your peak.

You moved your body and tried to angle your hips in a way that would made Tomura’s actions at least a bit more bearable but he noticed right away and made sure that you could not escape the orgasm that was building inside of you.

“Fuck, you’re getting even tighter,” he rasped, out of breath due to his insane pace. “Are you gonna cum around my dick?” He laughed at your pained expression, letting out a grunt as your walls began twitching around him.

“Yeah, just like that. Cream around that villain dick like the hero slut you are,” he groaned, feeling himself edging closer and closer to orgasm as well.

With one last effort, you tried to move away and stop his hand from pushing you over the edge but it was useless and with a cry, you came on his dick, the tears you had held back the entire time running down your face as your body twitched and convulsed, milking his cock like some desperate bitch in heat.

Tomura let out a choked groan, pumping into you a few more time as he announced that he was going to fill your slutty pussy with his cum, before you could feel his dick twitching inside you. You wanted to shout, wanted to beg him to at least not cum inside but his hand was still in your mouth and so you simply cried in silence as his warmth spread through you and began dripping out of your pussy.

Tomura let out a shuddering breath as he calmed down from his high, falling down in his seat and taking you with him. His dick began to get flaccid and with a plopping sound the pulled it out of your abused cunt, spreading your pussy lips for your audience to show them the copious amounts of cum that now dripped out of your slit and down your ass.

“Next time,” Tomura laughed as he pushed his cum back inside with two of his fingers. “Let’s try out that back entrance of yours.” He teasingly let his finger circle around your cum-covered asshole while you simply lay on his chest, motionless except for your harsh breaths and the sobs leaving your body.

He wiped his gooey fingers on your chest before he leaned forward to grab his computer mouse, waving to the camera one last time and telling his audience he hoped they had enjoyed the show before he cut the stream and the red light of the camera turned off.

____________________________________________

When the screen turned black, back at the agency Katsuki slammed a fist on the table. He didn’t want to watch one of his coworkers violated but they needed to make sure you weren’t killed while his colleague on the desk worked on tracing the IP.

Katsuki whipped his head up, shouting over to the other pro-hero. “Did you fucking trace the stream?!”

It was silent for a minute while his colleague typed furiously, trying his hardest to get a location.

“…no.”

Katsuki’s scream of rage could be heard through the entire agency.

#bnha #bnha smut #shigaraki x reader smut #tw: noncon #bnha noncon

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