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vidavalor · 8 months ago

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Thank you @minervas-hand for adding in your ideas! I totally agree with you that Gabriel's story is a lot about toxic masculinity and supremacist systems. I tend to see Jim less as a flip that's been switched to pre-Heaven and more like Beez, Crowley and Aziraphale give Gabriel enough emotional safety that he doesn't have to hide the stuff that was hinted at being there all along.

There are some hints in S1 that Gabriel isn't just a total douchebag and that he playacts as much as Crowley. What isn't looked at a lot is that Gabriel could have told Aziraphale not to eat in the sushi restaurant scene-- instead, he doesn't get it and he's got some attitude in how he asks (to try to maintain his position) but he's not ordering, he's asking. He wants to know why Aziraphale eats. He's curious. He then admits to Aziraphale that he "likes the clothes" when Aziraphale compliments his suit, showing he's more open-minded than he's treated as being at times. Gabriel doesn't really have these conversations with any of the other angels. (One thing I think is really funny is how Michael and Uriel are basically imitating versions of Gabriel's suit in terms of dress, helping to illustrate his power and their own-- so far-- lack of curiosity.)

In S1, Gabriel still isn't trusting to a point where he feels like he can be more honest with Aziraphale but he was in the neighborhood of it and he knew so intuitively that Aziraphale was probably someone he could trust that he remembered it when he forgot his own name. Maybe more of note is the scene when Michael presents Gabriel with photographic evidence of Aziraphale and Crowley and Gabriel is quiet with a complicated expression. He doesn't have a choice but to tell Michael that it's okay to follow it up on the back channels they pretend do not exist but Gabriel's reaction wasn't that Aziraphale had done something Gabriel found repulsive-- it was more like oh fuck. He already knew (as is hinted at pretty strongly in the sushi scene as well.) Crowley and Aziraphale are really not that great at being stealth-- not for millennia lol-- Gabriel is the reason why they never got caught. He didn't see anything wrong with it and was protecting them. He also didn't love the hypocrisy that was going after Aziraphale for violating rules that the top angels violate all the time-- Michael bringing Gabriel evidence of Aziraphale having a relationship with a demon when it's also made clear that Gabriel knows about Michael and Ligur and has not made a thing about it... it shows how Gabriel tried to give Michael some rope because it was the right thing to do but they showed Gabriel that they couldn't be trusted in return.

It winds up illustrating how isolated Gabriel really is. If he can't trust Michael, the angel he's around the most and who is arguably the smartest of the bunch, he really has no one up there that he can talk to. Sort of makes you wonder if Gabriel really tried to recall Aziraphale to Heaven in 1800 out of a reaction to Aziraphale making the embassy and how that illustrated that he wanted to be permanently assigned to Earth. Gabriel was just like I know Crowley's hot but please don't leave me up there with Dad and Sandalphon, Az, I'm going to go out of my mind...

Gabriel sees his job as protecting the angels of Heaven from the system of Heaven as best as he can-- all of them, even the ones he doesn't like, which is basically all of the top angels. He knew that he was the only thing standing between most of them and The Metatron/them being cast to Hell. Aziraphale stopping Armageddon made Gabriel angry because Aziraphale was the only one he really liked or felt close to and now he was being forced to kill him because if he didn't, he'd be next and if he went, too, there'd be no one left to try to keep everyone else safe because the others jockeying for his job would not be as benevolent.

He's been told to kill the closest thing he has to a friend to save everyone else by saving himself so don't talk to him about greater good, sunshine...

Makes how Crowley saw this scene a bit ironic, doesn't it? He just sees the dick who tried to murder the person Crowley loves-- fair lol, but not totally accurate. Get to know Gabriel a bit more and you to see past get what you called it, minerva-- that patina that's over Jim.

Gabriel didn't just tell Crowley's only friend to shut his stupid mouth and die already-- Gabriel told his only friend to do so-- and it was part of a whole slump into depression that led to his own fall.

I mean, just, Gabriel hates these two and yet he's still trying to protect them. He's really not that bad:

He also looks just so disappointed lol when "Aziraphale" somehow miraculously survived and he had an excuse to just let him walk out of there. Also interesting visual between the scene in the above gif and then Crowley and Aziraphale protecting Gabriel in S2.

Anyway, thank you for letting me ramble off your excellent thoughts. 💕

*dings the bell* … I’m back.

My Ukrainian friend made potato salad! It has cucumbers, carrots, onion, & canned green peas in it, and it’s absolutely delicious!

Sooo… can I ask what moment/scene you found the most devastating so far? I guess The KissTM is the most popular but I wonder if you’ve spotted something even more heartbreaking?

Hi @procrastiel Much love to you and your Ukrainian friend & please thank her again for me for the recipe as we made it and it was delicious. 💕Hope she's doing well. The KissTM is pretty heartbreaking for sure but I had a couple of moments that I found at least equally as heartbreaking...

The blues below the cut. TW: Depression.

What really got me in S2, in terms of heartbreaking stuff, was the focus on the less "showier" kinds of depression in Aziraphale and Gabriel. I'm not dismissing the amazing Crowley story the show has been telling but it tends to be more overt. The story focusing on depression lingering beneath different types of exteriors-- those who project themselves as being upbeat and/or fine-- was really well-executed and it had moments as devastating to me as the kiss.

The "but that's for professional conjurers only" scene and, in particular, the choices made in Aziraphale's response to Crowley's "my Nefertiti-fooling fellow" response is probably my favorite bit of acting in the series entirely to date. Michael Sheen broke me into little pieces with the way he conveyed a lifetime of pain, depression, anxiety and sleepless nights in Aziraphale's eyes on the "professional conjurers" bit and the smile...

...I love how you literally watch the pain of it all melt off his face at Crowley gently reassuring him and the smile that starts and then becomes just a beam of love he can't keep off his face. It's gorgeous.

It's actually what makes The Final 15 hurt even more, really, I think-- because you know that this is what Aziraphale needed. It's the same core set of problems but he needed 1941!Crowley and he got AlphaCentuari!Crowley because of where they both were at in the moment. It just makes 2.06 even more brutal because it shows you how they do understand each other and how right they are for each other if they could just stop being idiots lol.

I also actually think this is one of the most intimate scenes in the show. It shows a lot of guts on Aziraphale's part to be honest about how he's feeling and that's courage that Aziraphale has in general but was lacking a bit in the present in S2. He lets Crowley in here-- which is the theme of all of it and what he's not doing in S2 very much, especially in 2.06-- and we get a scene where Aziraphale is vulnerable and hurting and trusts Crowley with it and Crowley is there to help him as much as Aziraphale helps Crowley. It's very sweet and romantic but in a heartbreaking way because of how it shows how much pain Aziraphale is carrying around with him all the time. The lovely bit, though, is how it also shows how Crowley knows and is trusted with it. That it all takes place in largely the same space as the mess in 2.06? Gah. Devastating...

The other storyline that broke me was Gabriel. I know not everyone has the empathy for him that I do and he can be a total jerk, no doubt, but I thought he was the best example of the show bringing in other perspectives on life in Heaven/Hell in S2. We had angles like Furfur and Muriel illustrating that life for those not on Earth is lonely, isolating and boring and that many are yearning to live a bit more. Crowley and Aziraphale have not had it easy by any means but we are given characters whose perspective is that they're jealous that Crowley and Aziraphale have at least been able to be on Earth and have one another this whole time, which is more than a lot of other angels and demons can say, and that's fair. Expanding upon the glimpses of Gabriel that we saw in S1 and showing that, really, he's more complicated than we might have expected, was something I both loved and was a bit broken by.

Essentially, S2 shows that Gabriel is actually arguably the worst off character of all of them-- Crowley and Aziraphale included. That he really had no one until Beez is shown on his face so well-- Jon Hamm and Shelley Conn selling Gabriel's depression and how healthy this relationship is in almost no time at all really shows how great they both are. Look at this poor bastard, though, really...

He has the worst job of all of them. The Metatron is really in charge of Heaven-- Gabriel's the pretty face, forced to keep everything going or be killed for disobeying. S2 emphasizes how much he and Beez did what they did at the end of S1 basically at gunpoint-- it was kill or be killed and neither of them have the power to overthrow anything on their own. They have enough power, in the future, to probably help sway some things. Gabriel's always had enough power to make differences where he could and he used it to try to protect people. He can be a judgy jerk but he also fundamentally cares about the people around him and he's been drilled for so long into believing that upholding Heaven is his only purpose and only reason for existence that he's even still mulling over the ghosts of those thoughts when he has his whole gravity crisis in S2, even when he can't remember his name.

This is the bit that got me actually teary, though:

Imagine being thousands of years old and no one's ever given you a present. You don't have a birthday. You don't celebrate holidays. No one's ever protected you or been on your side or even just listened. You don't have any friends because everyone is afraid of you and you have to put up those pretensions to stay alive. The people you spend your entire life with are out for blood-- they'd sooner see you stripped of your sense of self and tossed through the ranks or to Hell and take your seat. Your life is one, long, never-ending meeting with your abusive dad and charming personalities like Michael and Uriel and Sandalphon. For six. thousand. years. Gabriel had never eaten anything before S2. He's never slept. Imagine six thousand years of being the Senior VP of Climb Every Bullshit Mountain without ever having a lunch break or ever going home. It's kind of no wonder that Gabriel spent half of S2 taking a nap-- he's exhausted.

He's not from anywhere. He doesn't even have a desk. Is it any wonder that this poor bastard was already rebelling a bit in S1? That he didn't totally get Earth but he was sneaking down there to get tailored suits made just so he could have something that is his own and taking himself for jogs in the park so he could get away from everyone for awhile? He's vain, sure, yes, but really because his looks are all he has that actually belong to him. It's why Beez gives him a pass on the statue-- because they know that this poor guy doesn't have anybody but them. The humans immortalize him in marble like he's a God and everyone in Heaven and Hell is terrified of him-- and he's been terrified of trying to be real with others because who is he going to trust who won't stab him in the back?

All Gabriel has that is his own are his clothes and Heaven even takes that, too. Beez is the first person who has ever seen Gabriel as a person. Is it any wonder why Gabriel likes and goes to Aziraphale for help? He knows that Aziraphale is the only angel who is both kind and sorta sees him there sometimes. He's the only one who ever seems to consider that Gabriel might exist in there as more than just The Supreme Archangel.

Gabriel's memory loss is actually very much akin to the real world occurrence of retrograde amnesia, which can and does actually happen to people who have undergone traumatic events. (It doesn't happen all the time but it's also not as rare as you'd think it might be.) The mind shuts down in such a way as to intentionally forget everything related to the trauma in order to protect itself and that can sometimes result in a loss of identity. The forgetting, though, also frees Gabriel because when he can no longer recall the fascist system of Heaven that has been harming him for so long, the actual self that he's been repressing and hiding shows up.

I see a lot of people talk about Jim as if he's a separate entity from Gabriel and he's really not-- he's Gabriel without the self-protective airs that Gabriel puts on. Jim is really not much different from glasses-free Crowley-- they have the same approach to self-preservation. It turns out, when he's free from the toxic masculinity hellscape that is Heaven, Gabriel likes hot chocolate and tiny dinners and bookselling and is emotionally available and mindfully curious about everything. He's a lot of fun and he cares about his friends and is grateful to have them. He's still a snarky bitch sometimes but so is Crowley lol so... That Gabriel was so miserable before, though, I thought was really pretty heartbreaking.

Now that I've depressed you, we'll leave on the sweeter note of Gabriel torturing some humans to romance Beez...

#ineffable husbands #good omens #aziracrow #good omens meta #good omens 2 #crowley #aziraphale #the archangel fucking gabriel

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hwascripts · 4 years ago

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What Izuku would be like in a relationship: The positive traits, the toxic traits, his love language, my own personal headcanons and an overall conclusion

WC: unknown

TW// POTENTIAL SPOILERS, No smut but Izuku is aged up, Toxic traits aren’t necessarily toxic...more so just bad traits, Teeny tiny little bit of angst, I think that’s it!

Masterlist

Disclaimer: I am in no way claiming the following headcanons are true. You are 100% free to disagree with me but please DO NOT send me hateful comments or asks. I am simply writing what I think Deku would be like in a relationship

a/n: Just to let you know, your nickname for him is Zuku just so you don’t think I kept spelling his name wrong.

-Deku is literally the kindest soul ever and it makes me want to cry. He’d give you his umbrella if you ever forgot yours, he’d literally carry you to first aid if you ever injure yourself- this man will legitimately do everything for you

-He’s incredibly observant. If he catches you looking at a pretty ring then he’ll literally show up at your door days later with that very same ring in his hands

“I saw you looking at it a few days ago and I wanted to surprise you!”

“Zuku baby oh my god how much did you spend?!”

“You don’t need to worry about it sunshine”

I wholeheartedly believe Izuku would call you his sunshine or something along those lines

-I have this one headcanon of him drawing you all the time as an excuse to “observe you and your quirk” but it’s really just because he wants to admire the way you shine underneath the sun- and that’s how he came up with the name Sunshine for you

-Deku has a heart of gold oh my god, this guy cares so much about you it’s unreal. Imagine trying to hide the fact that you’ve been crying while on a phone call- mission failed because he heard your shaky voice and now he’s on your doorstep with your favourite hoodie of his and your favourite snacks

-His memory is insanely good, like it’s freaky how good it is. Like you mentioned to him ONCE that you liked a certain drink and now he pulls up to your dates with that drink all the time (not like I’d complain if Deku brought me my favourite drink)

-Just like Bakugou, Deku is incredibly smart and he literally always comes up with a solution. You could literally vent to him about a problem you’re having at work and he’s come up with at least 73 solutions within 6 hours

-He’s determined and hardworking. Again, he’s just like Bakugou in the sense that he’ll put his blood, sweat and tears into whatever he’s doing- no matter if it’s a serious high stake mission or something like planning your weekly date. The second he puts his mind to something, he makes sure to give it his all.

-Izuku is your own personal cheerleader, this dude will hype you up no matter what. Training after work? he’s cheering for you. You completed a really difficult task? you better believe he’s gonna pat you on the back for it.

-He’s very protective of you. Remember when the LOV attacked the training camp and he rushed to find Kota? yeah he’s 10x more protective of you.

-And it’s not because he thinks you’re weak and can’t defend yourself, it’s because he genuinely worries about you all the time and just wants to make sure your always safe

-He’s an inspirational person, he makes you hella motivated to do even the most boring chores around the house

-Deku isn’t afraid to show his emotions. Unlike Bakugou, he’s often seen showing his emotions. Deku said “toxic masculinity who?”. He definitely gives 0 fucks if someone sees him crying/upset because I feel like Pro-Hero Deku would stop the stupid mindset of “Hero’s can’t show their genuine emotions”

-Izuku is the type of person to analyze all his losses, figure out what he did wrong and then learn from it to make sure he doesn’t make the same mistake again. He’s the complete opposite of Bakugou who gets bitter over his losses due to his superiority complex.

-He’s so good at comforting you that it’s unbelievable. Deku gives the warmest hugs that make you feel so safe- you literally cannot change my mind about this

-You know those hugs where the other person lightly rubs your back and lightly sways side to side with you? Yeah those are the hugs that Deku gives (he’d definitely give you a sweet little kiss on the forehead/cheek)

“Sunshine come here, let me hold you while you let out all your frustrations. I’ve got you, nothing can hurt you while you’re here with me”

-Can you tell I want some comforting Izuku hugs? He wouldn’t let go of you until he put a smile back on your face and GAHH oh my god I need Izuku hugs

-As much as I hate to do this, it needs to be done 😔✊🏻

-Izuku is such an over thinker, this guy worries about EVERYTHING under the sun. Your eyes didnt crinkle when you smiled? he’ll think you’re upset with him. You gave him a side hug rather than a normal hug? he’ll think he did something wrong.

-He’s self aware that he overthinks things but he just can’t seem to stop his thoughts. No matter how many times you reassure him that you aren’t upset with him, he’s subconsciously thinking about how to make it up to you

-He constantly pushes himself past his limits. You guys saw how many times he’s broken his bones. Deku may be intelligent but when it comes to his own self he can be completely hopeless

-The amount of times you’ve scolded him while you clean up his scrapes and cuts is insane. He just sits on the toilet lid and bites his lip nervously while you wave your finger angrily at him

“Sunshine please, I said I was sorry and that it won’t happen again!”

“Zuku you and I both know that’s a damn lie, I’ve had to patch you up 3 times this week! When are you going to start being more considerate of your limits?”

-I’m sorry but I picture him being so nervous to initiate anything with you. This guy would be so fidgety just by THINKING about holding your hand

-And deep down he knows he’s being ridiculous because come on, you’re his S/O and he’s been dating you for years now- why does he still get shaken up just by holding your hand?

-At first you think it’s cute, he’s just being respectful of your boundaries- but as time goes on you kind of get a little annoyed because he always asks you a bunch of times if you’re okay with him being affectionate.

“Zuku...sweetheart you know you don’t need to ask me a million times if I want to cuddle, right? I love cuddling with you!”

*cue sweating* “I’ll keep that in mind, Sunshine”

-He eventually gets a lot more comfortable with affection...more often than not you wake up with him nuzzled into your side like a cat

(Side note PLEASE wake him up with a bunch of kisses, he’ll literally melt)

-He’s very insecure about his scars because they make him feel like he’s “ugly” and sometimes he doesn’t even want you to look at them

-Do me a favour and please kiss along his scars/ trace them with your fingers while you compliment him- he’ll start crying because the scars he thought made him ugly are now starting to look beautiful to him

-This isn’t necessarily a toxic trait, more like a bad habit. Whenever Izuku gets stressed he’ll train himself to the brink of exhaustion just so he can try to focus on something other than how stressed he is

-Again, not a toxic trait but a bad one...Deku puts everyone else before himself. Which isn’t a bad thing if it’s done in a healthy amount, but Izuku goes to the extreme. I feel like he’d neglect his own needs just to satisfy everyone else and you’d have to intervene before it gets worse

“Sunshine I said I was fine, you don’t need to worry about me! Your Zuku is perfectly energized and ready to go”

“Zuku don’t lie to me, you know I can read you like a book. You’re coming with me and I’m putting you to bed”

-I hate to say it but this guy hates confrontation so much that sometimes he’ll suffer in silence for MONTHS before he even hints at being upset with something

-I honestly think your biggest argument with him would be about his lack of communication in terms of him not being completely honest about how he feels and he just breaks down-

-Like he has a really bad breakdown because he’s been bottling everything up for so long because he hates the idea of fighting with you.

-And now he’s sobbing because he’s so frustrated that he doesn’t know what else to do

-Anyways, the two of you just silently comfort each other until you’ve both calmed down enough to talk properly. This is the night Izuku finally starts opening up to you rather than bottling up every negative emotion he feels

-I honestly think his love language is a mixture of giving you gifts and words of praise

-He’s a little shy when it comes to showing you how he feels through affection, so giving you gifts and his praise get his point across

-He’s totally the type to send you cute messages throughout the day, send cute selfies when he misses you, or he just sends you a random bouquet of flowers because he saw them and thought of you

-Also the type of guy to have photos of the two of you displayed around his office. His most prized one being the photo of your first mission together

-Just warning you now that if you ever mention that your suit ripped or a certain item isn’t functioning properly then he’ll literally buy 10 replacements- each one better than the last

“Zuku I said that the sole of my BOOT ripped off, not my entire suit!”

“Well now you have 10 new upgraded suits to make sure it won’t happen again! Isn’t it great, Sunshine?”

(Someone take his credit card away from him)

I definitely think Izuku would be an amazing S/O! He’s caring, kind and comforting- and he does his very best to try and work on the bad habits he has.

Overall, I would say Izuku definitely would win a “S/O of the year award” (sorry Bakugou)

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loudsuitlover · 4 years ago

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A friends to lovers little thing

If today Y/N were to talk about her friendship with Harry, she’d probably not even mention Mitch, even if she did know him through him. But that has been years ago and even though Mitch was as close to Harry as he was to her, Harry and herself had develop their own friendship, where Mitch was always welcome but not always needed and she didn’t feel Mitch’s absence like a tragedy when she hang out alone with Harry. Which happened quite a lot.

Like right now, when they are both sitting on Harry’s backyard in LA, and her feet are up on his lap as she takes the sun in behind her sunglasses and he absent-mindlesly draws figures on her jeans-covered calves while he scrolls through his emails.

“H” she knows he’s listening even if he’s not looking at her “do you think things are going to go back to fully normal after this whole coronavirus pandemic is over?”

Then he looks up at her.

“How do you mean?”

“I mean” she shrugs “you know, I can see that people are a lot more wary now... Me myself I’m a lot more wary... I mean Europeans are starting to act a lot like countries which do not have a public health care system like... We’re afraid of getting sick, you know? And that means we pull away from the sick and that’s just wrong, isn’t it? I don’t know.” She shrugs.

“I mean it’s hard but... wrong? I don’t think it’s wrong. I think it’s what we need to do.”

“I know, yeah, but it’s like people are afraid of getting sick not only for being sick themselves but for what being sick means, you know? Like at work there was this girl who tested positive, she was asymptomatic, and everyone was like talking shit about her, you know? Like calling her irresponsable and I was horrified by that. I mean she was sick, when did we start blaming the sick for their sickness?”

“Yeah, I see what you mean. But people are afraid, you shouldn’t take it to heart, love.” He smirks.

She smiles and snorts a chuckle at the way he is always so chilled in LA.

“I hope you know, if you get sick, I’ll get sick too.”

He rolls his eyes but chuckles.

“That’s just plain silly, Y/N. I wouldn’t let you.”

“You would kick me out of your house?” Her mouth opens in the shape of an o and he raises his eyebrows while he nods. “That’s so rude!”

“I’d do it out of love!” He explains. “These days the way to say I love you is staying the fuck away.”

“And wearing a mask.”

“And wearing a mask.” He agrees.

“I think masks did a lot of good to ugly people.”

And like that she changes the topic and makes Harry laugh and they both talk about how useful masks can be. When he doesn’t feel like shaving he doesn’t have to, when she has a zit on her chin for her period there’s no worry and he laughs along because he thinks it’s ridiculous that she’s ever worried about the way she looks.

He met her four years ago in his own house. Mitch was over and they were going to order pizza for dinner but he said he had plans with a good friend and Harry said he could invite them if he wanted to so he did and there you were.

You arrived twenty minutes after the invitation and the first thing you said he remembers was this apartment is fucking massive and then your eyes had met his and yours had gone wide and embarrassed while he had just laughed at your honesty.

You had known who he was beforehand and you hadn’t pretended you didn’t but you had admitted you were not really a fan of One Direction just because you were not really a fan of anything- you didn’t believe in the fandom thing- or so you thought before he proved to you that you were a fan of a lot of things on just that first night. You would talk and then he would say so then one could say you’re a fan of chocolate and you would laugh and find him funny.

And then when the pizza was over and Mitch was mindlessly playing some chords on his guitar, you were both sitting on the same couch and your bodies were turned to the side so you were facing one another and it had been like such a magnetic connection in just about three hours he had fancied you and you were sipping from your beer bottle and the way you brought it to your mouth and rested your lips against the glass circle had him mesmerised and he thought you were really such a pretty girl and that you were funny and confident and you looked kind to him, even though he didn’t really know you, but he found himself wanting to know more and he wondered whether you would yes to dinner with him. He scratched the back of his neck then as if that was going to settle down the blush creeping up when Mitch talked.

“Hey, Y/N, we never got to talk about just how mad you were with “men as a gender” last week.” He reminded. “D’you still wanna talk about it?”

She sighed and had a sip of her beer.

“Well that depends on how you two are going to take it. If you’re going to be the kind of guy who feels attacked and tries to sell me that bullshit not all mean are the same then I’d rather not. I don’t feel like arguing tonight.”

And Harry liked that too. That you were fiery and had a mind of your own and had no fear to talk about it. Not because you were a woman, because he thought some men were lacking that too, but because you clearly had some ideas and he had always liked that about people.

“So we’re just supposed to agree with you on everything?” Mitch smirked.

“Not at all. You don’t have to agree. You just have to shut the fuck up if you don’t.”

They both threw their head backs and laugh and Y/N herself chuckled too. She didn’t mean that and Mitch knew that, he could always speak up his mind and disagree with her and she would take it but she had had enough and she was tired of men as a gender, of genders entirely, and Mitch had always been the ear who would listen to every little complaint she had so she another sip of beer and then she started talking.

“You know how you told me everything with Brandon was going to end up badly.” She pointed at him and he nodded. “Well, you were right.”

Then she tilted her neck so her eyes met Harry’s and she explained.

“Brandon is a mutual friend of Mitch and mine.”

“More hers than mine.” Mitch clarified but she just rolled her eyes so Harry smirked.

“They have this weird competition going on, I think it’s the testosterone again.”

“Not at all. I am like the least toxic masculine guy in England and you know that. It’s him who seems to have a problem with me.” He shrugged. “We know each other from high school and, don’t take me wrong, I love the guy because he’s like family at this point, but it’s true that he always seems to measure himself with me, you know? And then Y/N had the great idea to sleep with him and that only made it worse because, you know, Y/N’s my best friend and I’m her best friend so in his mind, I was a thread.” He chuckled. “Me, being a thread, as if I would ever date her.” He joked.

Y/N threw a pillow at him that he dogded thanks to years of practice and then she got back to her explanation to Harry.

“The thing is, I did meet Brandon through Mitch and I liked him” she looked at Mitch “that’s the truth and we were friends for a long time because he had a weird thing with a girl, I didn’t want to be a part of it and all that but then last summer something changed, you know? Like I actually thought he might be interested in me so I flirted with him, despite Mitch’s relentless advice not to-”

“But she’s never been known for listening to me.” He intervened, making her roll her eyes again.

“And so we became... You know... Special friends.”

“Friends with benefits, she means.” Mitch explained making Harry smirk.

“I think he figured that out.” She scolded him. “Well, two weeks ago, we went out and we were drunk, at least I know I was drunk off my ass, and he like literally stopped me at the washroom door and told me that he didn’t want to keep shagging with me because he liked a girl.”

“Shit.” Harry said.

“No, that’s not all.” Her eyes widened. “He said he wanted to let me know because I needed to change my behaviour because he knew I still wanted to sleep with him.”

Harry’s eyes widen and settled on Mitch’s and Mitch just nodded as if saying yeah, I know he’s a dick but he’s our dick, I guess.

“And the thing is what bothered me is realizing what he thinks of me, you know? He doesn’t see me as a friend and I wonder if he ever has or if he did and then it changed the minute he saw me naked- like what the fuck? So that’s where my problem with men as a gender began because then a few days later, I’m talking about this to another friend from work and you know what his reaction was?” She gave them a few seconds to answer but they both remained silent. “He asked me out! Like- what? I thought we were friends! But we’re not! He was just waiting to ask me out. So then I was like do I really have any male friends who do not want to see me naked? Other than Mitch?”

“Ryan.” Mitch offered then.

“Ryan is gay.”

“Still a male.”

She clicked her tongue but smiled. That had Harry thinking, he even felt bad for thinking of her like he had done before she told them all of that. He was considering asking her out himself then but after all that, he figured that’s not what she would want so he didn’t and for days after that he still thought about it.

It happened to him sometimes too and he knew some people would never get it, those who would say wait, so you’re complaining about being pretty? And then he remembered that Mika song are you wishing to be ugly like me? But no, it was not about being pretty or being ugly, it was about being objectified and he knew that was how Y/N had felt because he had felt that way sometimes too, so he didn’t ask her out. Instead he buried his feelings and he pretended he didn’t like her but damn right he did...

He liked the way she would bring up weird deep conversations any minute, he liked that thin black line she would get on her lips whenever she drank red wine because her lips were always so dry but she was too forgetful to have care with something as simple as lipbalm, he liked the clothes she wore and her scent and pretty much everything that had to do with her. And he’s liked that for four years but he’s always been afraid of saying something about it because he didn’t want to add to her feeling of being objectified.

But then four years later she was coming home from a date with Nate, a friend of a friend, and the guy had been nice and sweet but he hadn’t been as funny as Harry or smelled as good as Harry or moved as lanky and clumsy as Harry and he definitely didn’t have Harry’s sex appeal and she just didn’t like him like he liked Harry.

She rests her head on the door and sighs like a teenager because it’s been four fucking years of him being nothing but the sweetest, kindest friend; but she still can’t take him out of her mind. And this is the same old story, the girl falling in love with someone so clearly out of her league because Harry would never be interested in her like that- that’s just plain silly- but he loved her and he was so good at loving...

Sarah: How was the date? x

Y/N: Like every other...

Sarah: Pal, you’re the Grinch...

Y/N laughed at that. So what if she was? She rather liked the Grinch. She looked at the clock on her kitchen, it was too late to call Harry so she went to bed because the sooner she fell asleep, the sooner she would stop thinking about him. Even if it was just to dream with him...

He called her tonight too. He has lost the count of who called who or rather he had never counted. He figures those things some people did in relationships had more to do with pride than with actual healthy patterns and he called Y/N because he wanted to spend time with her, quite simply, and now they are both sprawled out like cats on the couches on his living room after watching Now You See Me and he is still sipping from his glass of wine when she asks him.

“Harry”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think I’m pretty?”

He swallows the sip of wine he’s taken as his eyes set on her. She’s changed her position on the couch so she’s facing him but she’s still somewhat lying down so her eyelashes almost hit her cheeks because she has to look at him from an angle. He takes a deep breath, he studies her, he doesn’t know what she wants him to say.

“‘F course.” So he goes with the truth. “I think you’re beautiful.”

“Really?”

He frowns then. Is she being insecure now? She’s going to drive him crazy. He rests his now empty glass on the table and leans on his elbows on his knees before he breathes in.

“What’s this about?”

She purses her lips and looks away from him shaking her head. The wine had given her some courage, the wine and all the thinking she did the night before- maybe she should say something because if it has been four years it’s because even though the rational part of her knew it was impossible for him to feel the same, there was a little of irrational hope that he did; but if he said it- if he said no, Y/N, I just love you as a friend then she would have no reason not to move on and she would probably ask him for some time and space until she could mend her heart and then they could be friends without their friendship interfering on her love life.

“Can you please not do that?” He begs.

“What?” She tilts her neck and looks at him.

“Avoiding confrontation.”

She frowns.

“I’m not avoiding confrontation! Confrontation of what? We’re not arguing.”

“No, we’re not. But you asked me whether I thought you were pretty and I answered and asked you why you’re asking me that and now you’re not answering me.”

“It’s silly, H...” She shakes her head.

“Well, I want to know.” He presses.

She sighs. She’s going to say it.

“It’s just... We’re such good friends. I thought you would be honest with me about that.”

Except she doesn’t.

He nods.

“Why would you need me to tell you you’re beautiful? Do you not have mirrors?”

She smiles.

“I just wanted to know if you thought I was pretty.” She smiles. “That’s all.”

She leans over to the table to rest her empty glass of wine as well and Harry lets his eyes set on every inch of her body. The way that soft green cardigan has almost fallen from her shoulder, her strapped crop top and the way her cheeks has turned pink. And she hasn’t said anything, but that’s the first time he thinks she might fancy him too so he sighs. He has no problem in taking this slow. After four years, what difference does a day make?

“Well, I do.” He smirks. “I think you’re gorgeous.”

And that’s how their thoughts about what the other might feel started to change but their relationship didn’t yet change much. If anything, they didn’t look away anymore when the other catch them staring and the sheepish smirks came more often but they didn’t say anything still and it was nice and comfortable and nothing needed to be said.

And then this morning Harry just appeared on Y/N’s apartment very early when she was still on her PJs and he dragged her inside her bedroom when she claimed she had to study because he had found this very nice small village that he wanted to check out and he had heard they served good food on the town too so you got changed as he waited downstairs.

“Can I at least have breakfast?”

“Sure.” He smiles.

She rolls her eyes like she always did and swats his chest to push him away but that time he holds her wrist and pulls from her until she has to press her free hand against his chest to stop herself from colliding against him and he just smiles.

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, love.”

“Or what?” She challenges.

His green eyes fall to her lips for a second and she feels her heartbeat accelerating. Please, God, have him kissing me. But his eyes flicker back to hers and he lets her wrist go with a teasing smirk. When she turns around, she rolls her eyes again.

After breakfast, she’s sitting on the passenger seat of his convertible and he’s driving one hour and a half away until they get to this very lovely clear sand, clear water beach and they step out of the car as he smiles like a kid.

“Are we in Santa Barbara?”

“Almost.” He smiles.

He doesn’t tell her the name of the town and she doesn’t really need to know, all she cares about is out of all the people in the world, he chose her to spend the day with at this town and she quite likes that.

As they walk up a cement hill towards the town, Harry’s arm wraps around her shoulders and he pulls her to him, pressing a kiss on her hairline and she feels her heart fluttering but not in a painful way, like it sometimes had in the last four years, but in a good one, in a new one, in a way that doesn’t feel inappropriate.

They walk around the town like that and she likes the way old ladies look at them, probably think he looks like James Dean, but somehow she feels like they think they make a good couple and that thought had never crossed her mind in four years.

“I like this town.” She says.

“You do? Me too. I was thinking about filming the Golden music video here.”

“Love that song too.”

She stops so she can look into his eyes and he holds her hazel gaze and he wishes he could tell her she is golden but instead he licks his lips inside his mouth so his smirk doesn’t give him away.

“Thank you, love.”

It’s true she loves that song. She loves everything she writes or performs, but that song especially, it just feels like he’s writing her own feelings towards him and she felt so exposed when she listened to it the first time because she was so sure he knew it all then but his jade eyes didn’t leave hers for as long as the song was coming out of their headphones and he was sitting in front of her and she almost cried right there but somehow she managed not to.

And then they keep walking, and they even stop at some souvenir shops and joke around with ugly hats and sunglasses and then they enter a cheese shop and buy two different cheeses and they talk about it like a married couple would and the old man from the shop really did think they were together because Harry held the door for her twice and because of the way they stared at each other when the other wasn’t looking.

She hasn’t stopped thinking about the Golden song ever since he had mentioned it and his arm had kept wrapping around her shoulders and his hand resting on her waist when they had to pull to the side because a car was passing on a narrow street or when the carriages of the market had passed them by and he had pulled her to him so they wouldn’t accidentally hit her.

“Are you hungry?” He asks.

“I could eat.”

He smirks. He could eat too...

“Jeff told me about this place... He was there with Glenne, it’s a good one, right by the beach like you like.”

She smiles and wants to kiss him as he looks down at his phone with a frown checking for the name of the place.

“H, why are you not seeing anyone?” She smirks.

His phone is still on his hand when he looks up at her and her smirk seems to be contagious. He shrugs but his eyes look into hers and it gives him away.

“What’s with the smile?” He asks.

This time it’s her who shrugs.

“I’m just happy you chose to bring me here.”

“Are you surprised?”

She shrugs again.

“I mean... This looks like the perfect plan for a date. You know, the beach, the nice restaurant, the lovely town...”

“It could be a date” he smirks “if you want.”

They both stare into each other’s eyes and people keep walking past them and cars keep driving down the road behind them but for all they care the world has stopped for these few seconds. They are both smirking and their hearts are beating fast like teenager’s before they kiss.

“Are you being serious?”

“Yeah.” He confesses. “You’re beautiful, you like my music... I don’t see why I wouldn’t take you out.”

She rolls her eyes again and he realizes he just made it sound like a joke but she’s been playing with his mind for years, she can take some mind game for a while too. Let’s see how she reacts too... She could turn it back into a real proposition, which is what she does.

“Then, yes, I do want it to be a date.”

He snorts a chuckle and she grins at him.

“Then a date it is.”

And for the first time in four years of friendship, he holds her hand as they walk towards the restaurant by the beach and it feels so right and so comfortable, she even caresses the back of his hand with her thumb.

But they didn’t kiss that day either because none of them was brave enough so despite all the times they had stood in front of one another and their heart had beaten hard and fast against their throats, they hadn’t dared so that night again she went to bed thinking it was all in her mind.

And then four days later he was having lunch with Mitch on Café Habana and he was munching on his salad when his friend cleared his throat.

“So what the fuck are you doing with Y/N?”

“Pardon?”

“I know you like her. I’m not an idiot but,dude, she’s like... Bad.”

“What do you mean she’s bad?”

“She thinks you don’t!” He shrugged.

“How would she think I don’t?” He frowned. “I’m so obvious!”

“She’s a jerk.” Mitch shook his head and Harry almost chuckled. “But if you hurt her, I’m going to have to kill you.”

“I won’t.”

“Then talk to her, mate. She’s driving herself crazy.”

“She’s been driving me crazy for four years, mate.”

“You’ve liked her for four years?” Mitch frowned. “But, wait, when did you guys even meet?”

“Four years ago.” Harry nodded.

“Wait, what?” Mitch chuckled because “So you’ve liked her since you met her.”

“Yeah...” He blushed then and Mitch started laughing. “What’s so funny?”

“The day after the pizzas at your house, she asked me if you were single, if you had ever dated someone non model, non famous, if she was anything like your type...”

“Really?”

Mitch nodded.

“Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“Mate, you know. I don’t do that.”

“You’re telling me I could have been with her these last four years and I didn’t because you don’t do that?”

So that night after talking to Jeff about the Golden music video, he picked her favourite sushi and knocked on her door around dinner time. She was on her housewear, like she liked to call it, so an old t-shirt of his and cottom shorts- very short- and his eyes inevitably roam her body before he even said hello.

“What’s this?” She asks.

“Sushi number 25 from Quimos.”

“Oh, God, I love you. Come in.”

He smiles differently that time, despite all the times he had heard she loved him, because that time he thought she might mean it in a different way.

She takes the bag from him and walks towards the kitchen, him following her suit and only when they’re in the kitchen he sees the mess she’s made with flour and cinammon and oranges all over.

“What were you doing, love?”

“Doughnuts.” She giggles. “Do you wanna help or should we let it be until after dinner?”

“Can you even let it be?”

“I probably shouldn’t.” She giggles.

He laughs too and places his jacket on one of the kitchen stools before he turns to her and presses a kiss on her cheek, his hand gripping her waist through his own t-shirt.

“You look beautiful, Y/N.”

Her hazel, to him golden eyes, look into his own and as stupid as it might sound, it’s like he can hear his own song in his mind, the instrumental part, and he knows she’s scared but he’s going to kiss her now.

So with a determination he’s been lacking for four years, he leans in and captures his lips with hers and he feels her breath getting caught on her throat as her lips welcome his. It takes a few seconds to react but when she does, it’s like they’ve been kissing one another for years. Their lips adjust to one another like a ring fits a finger and their hands know where to stand even if now they can probably touch places they never have before but for now they don’t. For now his hands linger on her waist for longer than he’s ever dared and hers tangle on his hair and caress the back of his neck and that freckle he has on the line where his neck meets his shoulder and her tongue timidly comes out at last making him moan and press his hips against hers mindlessly.

“I should have done that last saturday.” He explains when he pulls back.

She’s still fighting for breath and her smile almost doesn’t let her peck his lips as many times as she wants but he holds her waist and chuckles as she covers his face with kisses.

#harry styles blurb #harry styles one shot #harry styles fluff #harry styles imagine #harry styles and reader #harry styles love #harry styles #harry styles new #harry styles fic #harry styles friends to lovers #friends to lovers

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amwritingmeta · 4 years ago

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15x14: Striking A Balance

This is late. I fell behind. Life happens. I still haven’t watched 15x15. Gah! But now to some thoughts on 15x14...

I thought this was a great episode the first time I watched it. Then I thought it was a bloody fantastic episode the second time I watched it, and the third time… well, it just gets better and better. I’m thoroughly looking forward to the final six. I hope you are too.

I hope you’re as well as you can be and that you’re not living in a stress bubble. They’re the worst. I’d hand you a big old needle if I could. Maybe this meta can be some sort of needle (for popping), because at least I don’t feel the ending of this show is anything we need to stress about. I do believe it’s going to be utterly spectacular. *all the faith*

So I spent a chunk of lockdown watching this show of ours. I started at 12x19 (that episode still makes me tremble with its sheer brilliance) through to 15x13, and felt an overwhelming satisfaction at the evenness of the storytelling for these last three-ish seasons.

A brief breakdown of three years of meta writing would be: Dean has been pushed to face, recognise and dismantle his internalised toxic masculinity traits aka his Shadow (which has been the root of unhealthy coping mechanisms and an inability to put down boundaries, communicate openly and handle his emotions), he’s been pushed to see the strength and power of his feminine traits (his nurturing side, his compassion, his protective nature) through being put in situations where he’s had no choice but to open up to being honest with himself, in turn bringing him on a course to him handling his emotions better, as well as the narrative giving us moments where he’s gotten the chance to acknowledge and embrace his neglected inner child.

Yes, Jungian doctrine runs like a river through it, what can I say? I’m a fan.

With Dean as our protagonist, Sam and Cas are both on mirroring journeys, though Sam is Dean’s mirror opposite and Cas is Dean’s mirror likeness. It doesn’t take away from the individual journeys of Sam and Cas: it’s just that their choices and their progression are not determining the course of the narrative. Rather, their choices and progression work to underline and highlight Dean’s growth. Sam and Cas are main characters, but they’re not driving the core of the plot.

Make sense? Cool!

Especially as this also means that Dean’s progression is pivotal for all three of them to actually reach… well, since it’s a word used twice this season why shouldn’t we just go with it? — completion.

Which is why my eyes are happily peeled for Dean having moments that display a deepened sense of self-understanding (like his prayer to Cas, where Dean put words on the anger he’s always feeling and how he doesn’t know why or where it’s coming from) (an enormous step toward actually dealing with that emotion) (as self-deception through denial caused by fear of weakness tied to fear of rejection and fear of failure — that’s a mouthful — has always formed Dean’s biggest internal obstacle) because neither Sam nor Cas should, when we look at the narrative as a whole, be able or allowed to reach full completion (or individuation, to use Jungian terms) without Dean getting there first, or at least being shown to be well on his way to getting there.

This episode then is more of an epicsode, because, man, do we get to explore balanced!Dean, and it’s all through Jack: the narrative representation of Dean’s inner child.

Oh, yeah. Way I see it, Jeremy Adams brought us right back to the threads he was pulling on in Scoobynatural. *bless his brain* Only this time he’s pushed it a step further and rather than Dean simply facing his inner child—as (14x16 whoops I mean) 13x16 opened up that can of worms—now, in 15x14, Dean is forced to properly acknowledge and embrace that inner child. I mean. The mind crackles. The feels are cascading like a waterfall over a great cliff. The excitement, people, is real.

Let’s dig in!

Sam and Dean

They were glorious this episode!!

So Sam ended up tortured a little, but that was because he was shooting first, asking questions second, and sure, Mrs. Butters had gone a bit crazy, but as he learned: it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t her nature, the crazy had been torture-nurtured into her.

And Dean was faced with yet one more reminder of how kindness, compassion and protectiveness can go haywire when there’s influence from toxic masculinity (aka Cuthbert Sinclair) pushing someone into a position of mistrust, insecurity and need for control.

Let me reiterate the fact that when I’m talking masculine/feminine I’m not tying these concepts to gender, though of course these concepts have been tied to gender traits to the point of brainwashing people into thinking they should dictate what is male and what is female. (mental) Rather I mean all of our internal masculine/feminine traits that need to find balance if we are each to feel happy and content as human beings.

It’s Tao, and it’s Jung, and it’s beautiful. Is all I’m saying.

Digression.

My point is that in spite of sorting stuff out in their individual arcs, the brotherly relationship was depicted awesomely this episode, with Dean being 1000% supportive of Sam going to get itches scratched with Eileen, to the point of feeling he would rather just handle the sudden turn of events and this new threat by himself, than disrupt Sam and Eileen’s fun times (and by “fun times” I mean sex), and Sam going along for the joyride of holiday celebrations, home cooked meals and the supportive, warm and caring mother figure that they’re both, again, missing in their lives.

Sam was submissive this episode, following Dean’s opinions on how to best handle Jack (even with Dean being disastrous in the past when stating what Jack needs) which is somewhat frustrating, because Sam has so much more in him, but he also got to show that humongous heart of his, where he understood the root cause of Mrs. Butters’ behaviour and showed compassion, rather than judgement. His compassion has always been one of his most formidable strengths.

And, of course, Sam had to ride sidesaddle this episode because if he was putting up any sort of protest—regarding accepting Mrs. Butters as part of the bunker or how best to deal with Jack— Dean wouldn’t have gone through the push for progression, delivered through the representation of his inner femininity that is Mrs. Butters, but primarily through the representation of (and here we go into the deeper digging) his inner child—Jack.

Dean and Jack

You know, end of the episode Dean states what is evident throughout: he’s trying.

In the opening scene he asks Sam if Jack’s come out of his room, and then he’s the one who goes and knocks on Jack’s door to warn him about Mrs. Butters, placing trust in Jack that he can handle it and will call them if anything gets weird, and he cajoles Jack to come out with the promise of snickerdoodles. All of this subtly shows us that Dean knows what Jack is suffering, and we can be sure of that because we know he’s been there enough times.

The guilt, the self-blame, as well as the self-doubt underpinning it all, making it difficult to forgive.

Because, thing is, Jack is struggling to forgive himself. To accept that it was an accident. He’s waiting for Dean’s forgiveness to give him a marker for whether it’s okay for him to even begin to forgive himself, which is understandable on all the levels of his character progression, but especially when looking at him as a representative of Dean’s inner child.

So then, why is Dean acknowledging, embracing and nurturing his inner child important?

Because, when looking at the narrative from the angle where it’s filled with symbolisism to do with Dean’s internal journey (and by extension the internal journeys of all the characters), then Dean’s progression, and especially lack there of, has been closely tied to the fact that he never got to be a kid.

He had to grow up fast, got responsibility put on him that was way out of proportion for a four year old child, had to be a father and a mother to his younger brother, and learned to repress and suppress his childish urges, wants and needs through unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to dress himself in the image of the strongerst person that he’s ever known: his father.

(which is a misnomer because there was plenty of weakness to John Winchester) (especially how he was a highly emotional man who spent the years after his wife’s death driven by grief, but hammered it into his eldest son that emotions are weaknesses that will get you killed and you should control them to the point of barely being able to recognise them anymore)

It’s imperitive for Dean to deal with the neglect he suffered in his childhood, rather than ignore it, if he’s ever going to be able to let those wounds heal over. And letting them heal over is important because pushing down trauma leaves it room to influence our choices and to keep us in old patterns of behaviour. Because self-denial and self-neglect is where our Shadow lives and thrives—our unconscious gaining power over us and dictating our behaviour even as we’re unaware of it.

Remember how Jack swallowed Michael? Remember how Michael was Dean’s Shadow representative? It’s not by accident that what Dean has left to confront, fully, is self-trust, self-forgiveness and finding his way to real self-love, symbolically given to us in this narrative through his treatment of Jack.

Because Jack is the final piece of Dean’s internal puzzle: his inner child in need of some real TLC.

So then, what does Dean need in order to be able to show Jack aka himself some real TLC?

Mrs. Butters

Ah, yes, of course what Dean needs most is to engage with his internal femininity.

Mrs. Butters represents Dean’s suppressed and repressed longing for more in life, for a home, for love, and the only reason there’s been a need to suppress and repress this longing is to due with what he was taught as a child and throughout his formative years, actively by his father, and unconsciously by the way he was never taught or shown how to deal in any type of healthy way with the loss of his mother.

Mrs. Butters as our representative of positive femininity then shows us as the audience how Dean, in his heart of heart, wants to believe that he can have good things in his life. That he deserves them.

Mrs. Butters shows us that what Dean needs is to allow himself to feel joy, without expecting it to flip at a moment’s notice into feeling loss.

And yes, I realise where the episode ends, but perhaps the feeling of joy wouldn’t flip if the lesson was learned in full and Dean knew how to trust and simply let go of the undercurrent of fear that the flip is lurking somewhere just around the next bend.

What this episode shows us is that he’s just not quite there yet, but omg the threshholding is intense.

Because Mrs. Butters underlines that what Dean needs, more than anything, is to practice trust. Dean needs to practice opening up. Dean needs to practice letting go of his need for control.

He can still be in charge of a situation, without thinking it’s all on him always.

Now, the episode highlights this in a rather glorious way, by trapping him in a room, under threat, knowing Sam is about to walk into the situation, and deciding not only is he not going to call Sam for help, he’s not even going to text him a heads up.

Look. This might be a plothole here. Jeremy Adams might have been so focused on the joke of Dean not wanting to interrupt Sam’s sexy times that he didn’t realise the implactions of Dean not even sending a text to warn Sam that he was essentially heading home to a dangerous situation, yeah?

But the rather lax attitude of the brothers this episode: letting Mrs. Butters stay, and both of them neglecting the need for them to look into her backstory further, because they both got so distracted by holiday celebrations and her amazing cooking, combined with the hopscotch way they approach getting rid of her, all this is intentional enough for me to lean into the reading of Dean’s need to practice trust being explored in awesome ways.

Because Dean needs someone to take the load off, and Mrs. Butters does this in spades.

What with how she brokers zero arguments, immediately getting him to clean up his language, and I mean, Dean then defying this is a moment of awesomeness and of course we all want him to continue being midly CW foulmouthed, but for all intents and purposes, he succumbs to her chastising quickly, and she gets him to open up to the joy of the moment via holiday celebrations, and, to top it all off, she gets him to eat healthier.

The fact that she’s introduced folding his underwear, and then goes on to tell him that she wouldn’t have had to if he’d just done it right to begin with, is fairly epic. (verrryy epic) As is her giving Dean the nightshirt from Scoobynatural. Obviously! He’s wrapped in hugs! Purple hugs! And having Dean dressed in purple and eating vegetables in the same episode is enough to make one’s head explode.

*head* *ex* *ploded*

Balance. Is why my head is exploding. The purple and the vegetables are indications of growing internal balance. *yes please and thank you!*

I loved them celebrating Sam’s birthday and Dean having specific requests for his, Mrs. Butters dismissing him with how she thought he’s too old to want to celebrate. It was such a moment of reminding Dean that he’s not supposed to regress, he’s not to forget that he is, in fact, an adult, and nurturing his inner child is about letting go of the need for the childhood he never had—which is keeping him from properly having the adult life he deep down yearns for.

(and then this reminder was followed by a moment of kindness) (as there already were rice crispie treats waiting for him) (and his eager little face!) *heart eyes*

There was so much to love about Mrs. Butters, though!

Like the big bowl of crispy bacon on the breakfast table and her encouraging Sam to enjoy the world he’s fighting for, the waxing of Baby (!!), the introduction of the monster radar, finally getting the telescope—pardon me, the interdimensional geoscope—given some attention, Dean blowing a door down by using the grenade launcher (symbolically tied to self-liberation), the fixing of the TV in the Deancave (with thanks to Jeremy! he who breaketh he too shalt fixeth), the fact that Mrs. Butters is a straight-up anti-Nazi killing machine and that her violence stems directly from her need to protect her home and the people she cares about.

Yeah, there’s so much good in her that her not ending up shot, even though she tortured Sam, is not very surprising and I really enjoyed the fact that her story ended on a compassionate note of understanding, and that, if she hadn’t longed to go back to the woods, the boys would have wanted her to stick around.

Forgiveness—looking for it, or needing it— is a clear thread through this episode.

As For the Deeper Symbolism

Dean starts out cooking, wearing his new favourite garment—an apron. Now, I could tie that to Dean embracing his inner femininity and the rest of the episode working to underline this fact to us, but that’s just my reading of it, so who knows what the deal with the apron actually is. I do love it though, and it’s put in dialogue twice so we were definitely meant to make note of it.

The cooking ties him directly to Mrs. Butters, of course (or her to him, if you will) and creates a bookend for the episode, where Dean starts and ends the episode wearing the apron: first presenting Sam with a burger (meat man!) and then presenting Jack with a birthday cake.

This bookend is also tied very strongly to Jack.

Dean asks about him in the opening scene and we learn Jack is holed up in his room, the episode going from having Jack hiding himself away, ashamed and self-hating in his room, to him sitting opposite Sam, expressing concern that they’re putting all their bets on him and he’s not sure he’ll be able to kill God, Sam offering assurance and Dean, through his cake-baking and happy birthday wishes, offering forgiveness and support.

It’s awesome! Beyond awesome! It’s bloody brilliant, is what it is!

Especially when looking at the implications it holds for Dean’s inner work: his inner child starts out locked away, fearful and despairing, being brought out of that room through the kind and supportive side to his internal femininity representative, only for that representative to turn around and step into the shoes of the toxic masculinity traits that have always been the source of Dean’s self-hatred, distrust and lack of faith in himself, and once being granted honesty from the ego (Dean’s consciousness admitting that he’s trying, he’s angry, maybe always will be, but he’s trying) his inner child ends up with the ego showing that inner child how much it matters, that it’s trusted, cared for and loved.

*brains on ceiling*

Now, as mentioned briefly, the narrative gives us Dean’s inner femininity (Mrs. Butters) influenced by what is a clear toxic masculinity/Shadow character (Sinclair) and shows us why Dean is still wary of his inner child, still not entirely trusting, and it makes all the sense, especially now that the inner child has swallowed up the Shadow and incorporated it into himself.

Mrs. Butters’ mistrust of Jack becomes emblematic of Dean’s own mistrust in himself, but his inner child knows better and Jack’s continous denial of Mrs. Butters’ accusations underscores this fact. There is self-trust within Dean. Stronger than the lingering mistrust.

All of this inner work for Dean and Sam’s the one who gets tortured?

Well, I can see good reason why Sam is Mrs. Butters’ favourite and it’s to do with how he’s so closely tied to Dean’s purpose in life. Mrs. Butters is a reflection of Dean, and as she moves into Protector of the Bunker she’s also a reflection of any lingering toxic masculinity within Dean, and how it’s always been trying to find a way to sink its claws in Sam, but Sam has never bought into the toxic masculinty spiel, and because of that he’s needed in this instance, to see through the behaviour, to push for compassion, to break through the brainwashing that Mrs. Butters is under, to point out how she was used, taken out of her true nature to do someone else’s bidding.

The most thrilling part is that it’s Dean who delivers the biggest missing piece to Mrs. Butters’ puzzle: the true nature of Jack.

Because, looked at symbolically, Jack’s ability to save the world represents Dean’s inner child’s ability to save Dean.

Because if any side to Dean were to destroy/thoroughly repress his inner child, he’d be lost. He would never be able to heal.

The fact that Dean gets to be the one to do this, to talk a representative of his own inner imbalance down, makes me giddy.

He would not have been able to do this a season ago. He was barely able to do this at the beginning of this season, because he was so full of anger.

That anger, after voicing it to Cas, doesn’t hold the same sway anymore.

He freely admitted to Jack that he’s still angry, and perhaps he always will be a little angry, but he is trying, and this, to me, is enormous. He expressed his emotion and he’s in zero ways allowing that emotion to control his actions anymore.

And, hey, we got Dean, wearing purple, assuring Mrs. Butters that Jack is a good kid.

It’s just… happy happy joy joy!

And a standing ovation to Meagen Fay. She really helped make the episode compelling to watch, balancing Mrs. Butters’ homely and darling characteristics with the darker and MoL compelled Protector of the Bunker that slowly, but surely, reared its not-as-darling head. Kudos!

Right. I could write about this episode some more, because layers, but it’s time to leave off. One thing before I go, though: I loved that we finally had them talk about that big-ass telescope. And I love that it’s not a telescope, because it makes sense. They’re underground—how would they see the stars? I figured there was some sort of skylight somehow that would open or something but meh, dull. This is so much better! And I loved that the green colour of warning was actually to do with the fact that they’re now not being able to see anything through it, rather than the colour having to do exclusively with Mrs. Butters. Utterly brilliant! And… oh dear, what horrors lie ahead??

Now to go watch 15x15.

I’m not biting my nails.

At all.

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chillafqueen · 3 years ago

Text

This started off as a rant piece but then turned into an essay about my feelings about the show so definite Sex Education Season 3 spoilers under the cut

Literally do not try to argue with me I do not care

Tagging this only as sex education spoilers and sex education season 3 spoilers so hopefully it only shows up in those tags for people filtering it because I don't really care to make this a discussion I just needed to get this out my head

We seem to be in this golden age of media where we no longer care about character development or story development.

only ships and ships only, if your ship breaks up or it doesn't happen it's queer baiting or it's straight baiting or it's misogynistic or it's shitty writing

And I'm aiming this mostly at the Sex Education fandom just because I've seen /some/ people claiming it as such.

Ruby and Otis were cute together trust me I loved it. But it's not bad writing for them to break up it's not objectifying as a ship point to further along Otis and Mauve

Or the same goes from Adam and Eric

It's a show about high school. Even if it's a show, realistically these people won't stay together forever

It's take realistic routes for these characters

And we need to think critically about it

Ruby and Otis might just be a stepping stone towards endgame Otis x Mauve but it's not wasting Ruby or bad writing

It's sad to see, I really loved Ruby's development and her dynamic with Otis was adorable and I loved watching them grow

Ruby grew from this relationship. Did you really think the first person she trusted and loved was gonna be the person she married? No that's unrealistic and truly bad writing

These relationship, their highs and their lows and their break ups are there for each character's development

Sure Ruby got her heart broken but she also learned and hopefully she grows from it

She started off a rude, selfish bitch obsessed with status, image and popularity

Then she opens up and allows herself to be vulnerable

She shows Otis her house her family and that her real life isn't as glamorous as she puts on it's scary and she thinks that he will judge her and leave but he doesn't

He treats her with the same amount of respect that he had before he knew these personal parts of her

And sure now that she got hurt she could regress, she might think that she was right all along that once she shows her inner self to someone they'll hurt her just like Otis did or she grows from it and realizes that what she thinks the unattractive parts of herself aren't as bad as she thought and she'll learn and grow to be nicer and less judgemental and less distrustful and she'll meet more people and learn that looks and popularity aren't everything and one day she will find someone who loves her just as much as she loves them

Otis didn't love her, he had strong feelings for her but he wasn't on the same page as Ruby and even though he said those feelings could develop with time and that there's no guarantee that his feelings won't grow into love, Ruby had every right to set boundaries and end the relationship. She has every right to expect her partner be on the same page as her. And also she's a teenager she can end a relationship with her high school boyfriend because he doesn't love her back. If she wants to wait and continue the relationship hoping Otis would eventually reciprocate her love, then she could. But she was hurt and felt dejected and she decided to cut her losses rather waste her time if Otis couldn't love her back. She had every right to do so. It's not bad writing. She's not the type to hopelessly pine after someone who doesn't love her back. She is a bad bitch who moves on and does better.

And while Otis doesn't really gain much from the relationship except that he hurt Ruby he still continues to develop as a character

And there's a message there that it's hard to love someone when you never got closure from your past love

His relationship with Ola failed because of his unresolved feelings with Maeve and then his next relationship with Ruby also fails because he can't love her because of his unresolved feelings and lack of closure with Maeve and he also learns that

But also it's okay to not feel the same way about someone. And Jakob was right when he assured Otis that it was right to be honest with Ruby. Even if he hurt her, it was best to be honest and hurt her than lie to her and lead her on with a lie. It wouldn't be good for Otis and it wouldn't be good for Ruby if Otis just lied saying he loved her back.

And even if Ruby was just a plot device for potentially endgame Otis and Maeve then big deal.

It's kinda obvious that Maeve and Otis are the main goal and target relationship of the show.

And it's a common trope with them in the show that they are never in the same place at the right time.

Otis has feelings for Maeve but she's with Jackson. He tries to move on and dates Ola. And when he's no longer available it's when Maeve realizes her feelings for Otis and it's shown that Otis still very obviously has feelings for her even while in a relationship with Ola and it effects the relationship until it falls apart when Ola finds out that not only does Otis has feelings for Maeve but he holds Maeve in higher regards than her.

So the relationship ends

So does that mean Maeve and Otis will be together now that Ola and Otis are.over? No because neither of them are on the same page.

And so they miss the opportunity. Then they fight and their friendship is over

Then Isaac deletes the voicemail of Otis confessing and apologizing to Maeve and asking for them to try again

So Maeve misses that opportunity because she doesn't even know. And Otis doesn't know that she never heard the voicemail and thinks she's rejecting him so he tries to get over her.

And when he moves on, Maeve takes that as him saying their friendship and whatever she thought could happen was over. He was with Ruby, so obviously he didn't have feelings for Maeve

And then Ruby and Otis break up and Maeve and Otis talk and finally are on the same page and kiss

But oops, Maeve has feelings for Isaac and things seem to be going well so she's not going to ruin that for a chance with Otis

Then Isaac finds out that Maeve and Otis kissed and ends things.

So now Maeve and Otis can be together right? Otis is single and so is Maeve and feelings are out there. Well things look good until Maeve can't miss the chance to take that exchange program to study in America.

But they're technically together??? Maybe they can be long distance? Maybe they will wait for each other?

Their entire theme is not ever being at the same place at the same time. Something always comes up. One of them is always in a relationship when the other isn't. Or something comes up where they aren't available or now, Maeve is going to another country for a few months, just as things were going to happen.

Why does it have to be that way? Why can't your favorite ship be endgame just because you like it? Because it's not your show. You didn't produce it or write it. You are not entitled to have the show cater to your every want. These writers have a specific vision in mind and they may or may not already have a set ending in place. The moment they presented their idea to a network they might've already had their endgame ship set in stone.

It's not bad writing if your ship isn't endgame. It isn't objectification if a character was written in a way just to further the plot in a certain way. That's how stories work.

That being said, Eric and Adam was the same way.

They both grew because of their relationship and they learned.

Was it shitty of Eric to cheat on Adam and not tell him right away? Sure, yes.

But he learned that even if he loved Adam and was content in their relationship, it was caging him. He is a different person from Adam. He had his own dreams, likes, boundaries and such. And as does Adam. But those differences can hold each other back and hurt each other.

Eric is comfortable with his sexuality. He is gay and proud and he happens to have a lot of stereotypical gay hobbies and interests. He likes camp, he likes drag, he likes makeup and he is comfortable with his sexuality and doesn't care what others think and so he wants to be all these things out there in the world.

Adam doesn't. Adam is in his first gay relationship after slowly coming to terms with his sexuality. He's not out there like Eric. His mom doesn't know about them and he's scared of telling her, and he especially doesn't want his dad to know.

He was raised the same way his father was, which we find out this season. He gets taught toxic masculinity. He is taught any weakness is feminine and weak and bad. Being vulnerable is bad, expressing soft emotion is bad. And that cultivates into anger and violence.

He is emotionally stunted because of it. And he is slowly unlearning it.

He slowly comes to terms with his sexuality, and he slowly learns to be emotional and vulnerable. And Eric helps a lot with it. Eric is patient and encouraging.

But Adam is still a different person than Eric. He is shy, he is slowly becoming more out every day, he's learning to express himself through meaningful ways, but it's in ways different than how Eric does.

He likes makeup and dancing but maybe he's not ready to go out in the world doing that. Or he is just a private person and no matter how comfortable he gets with himself he may never want to go out to a gay club and dance and wear makeup

But Eric does.

Eric wants to go out he wants to be gay and free and open. That's his personality and he's had a longer time accepting himself and learning not to be afraid of public perception because he knows there's people out there like him. But Adam isn't.

And Eric has every right to break up with Adam because he is young and he doesn't have to stay grounded. He has yet to experience everything he wants and has yet to really know himself. But being with Adam halts that because Adam isn't like him.

Eric is learning to experience life and fly free and he's not afraid of going out there and living life to the fullest. In a way Adam doesn't.

And that's okay. That's real life.

People grow at different rates and in different directions. Let them grow even if it's away from you.

And by the end Adam is hurt but he is a different person because of Eric and for the better.

He is learning to be himself. He is learning how to express himself, to reach out for help, to be open with others. And that's a lot of progress.

He is hurt, his first love, his first gay love broke his heart. But he is stronger than before.

And Eric is free to continue spreading his wings not afraid of being held down by someone not in the same place as him.

And that's what the show is really about.

It's about these teenagers growing and learning and becoming better people. They will change and they will develop into new forms of themselves with each new relationship and challenge.

Love isn't the ultimate goal. It's being yourself and doing what is best for yourself.

Ruby and Otis were really cute together. I really did root for them and I really loved watching Ruby slowly change for the better. And I hope she continues to.

And I really loved Adam and Eric together but Eric cheated and he realized while it was wrong it made him realize that his relationship with Adam is stunting his growth.

You meet people and they may hurt you or you may hurt them but that's how life goes. And hopefully you impacted each relationship in a meaningful way even if it's not the way you intended. That you learn a lesson or you are the lesson.

It's truly brilliant writing. It's realistic, it's diverse, it's open and fresh, but witty and sometimes cheap but Jesus Christ it's not about you and your ship. You are here to watch the story unfold. And maybe get inspired or just be entertained.

When the story takes a turn you don't like it's not always bad writing.

It's only bad writing when it makes no sense, cut corners, is inherently offensive with no meaning to it, or completely does a 180 on all the character progress or other examples.

Hopefully the story ends with meaning. Maybe Otis and Maeve are endgame. Maybe they breakup and meet later in life. Or maybe Otis reconnects with Ruby. Or he meets someone new entirely.

Or maybe he ends the show single and just as involved in his career as his father was or whatnot.

And maybe Maeve also gets so involved with just making it in life that she has no room for a relationship. Or she meets someone new or reconnects with Isaac.

I love that even though the story points to Otis and Maeve endgame it's not the only story or romance explored.

We see Aimee is still struggling with her assault but she's willing to get help and that she learns to stand up for herself and do what makes her happy even if it may upset others, like breaking up with Steve even though he has been nothing be supportive.

I really enjoyed Cal and their introduction. And I enjoyed seeing Jackson be more and more open to trying and learning new things. He is just wanting to find himself and feel fulfilled. And I loved seeing Cal set boundaries with their identity and Jackson.

If Jackson can't accept that Cal isn't a girl and so that means if they were together it would indeed be a queer relationship and that would make Jackson not straight. And Jackson trying to bargain and negotiate while Cal stood firm was insightful.

Because I too, like Jackson, even if subconscious, still perceived Cal as a girl in some way even if I completely understand their identity and will help accommodate it in anyway. And it's just about unlearning the norms I was raised with. Even if I accept and understand, there is always room for more learning. But another thing with Cal, it's not their responsibility to fight.

If they don't want to lead the fight for gender rights and equality then they don't have to.

If you can't accept or won't listen, it's not their responsibility to make you change your ways but they will not respect you and they will not come quietly.

It is not every non-binary, trans, gay, bi, pan, ace, lesbian or anyone who isn't like you, person's responsibility to teach you or answer your questions or change your perception

And that was quite refreshing to see and I really admired seeing that in this show

And also showing that each non-binary person is different. Layla isn't willing to even challenge the system. Because they are scared and from what we see in the last episode, they aren't out to their family. They aren't ready and aren't comfortable trying to fight and that is their right.

And then seeing Cal teach Layla how to bind properly is a good lesson to anyone watching the show that might be binding incorrectly.

And then I also really enjoyed seeing Vivienne and her long distance boyfriend Eugene.

I was happy to see that her jealousy of Cal wasn't because she saw Cal as a romantic rival but friendship rival. Jackson and Vivienne were drifting apart due to their opposing views on Hope and that Viv took Jackson's place as Head girl.

And also seeing Vivienne's boyfriend be some hot, refined man was satisfying to see.

I also loved seeing Maeve learn to accept help and kindness. I was so scared that he and Aimee would never make up but they did and it was the most beautiful thing to see because they are the best friend goals to ever bless the tv world.

And I loved that Isaac wasn't depicted as just some poor helpless paraplegic but he had character and he had talent and he was never seen less than. He was a witty asshole!

And he even got the girl for a while! And he has standards!

I mean sure I don't feel that bad about his feelings getting hurt by Maeve because he took it upon himself to make a decision for Maeve and manipulating the situation for his own selfish crush on Maeve. I mean you didn't let her make the choice. You deleted the voicemail and so she thought Otis still hated her and refused to apologize. Sure she ended up getting feelings for you but because you intervened and lied she never got the chance to truly get closure with Otis because you knew that if she heard the message she'd go to him

Sure you didn't deserve her kissing Otis when you two obviously had something going on but... What did you expect?

And my last thoughts are Jakob and Jean. I liked them together in the beginning but it became apparent that they are two very different people. They just don't fit.

At first I couldn't understand Jakob's distrust of Jean, I mean she messed up once while drunk with her ex husband. It was wrong but I thought it was a tiny little forgiveable thing (and maybe I think that because I'm biased by my love of Jean). But once we get that soft moment of Jakob opening up to the therapist and we find out that his last relationship, with his wife, also had trust betrayed. Her having an affair and then getting sick afterwards so therefore Jakob felt he couldn't leave her when she was so ill.

And I thought Jean and Jakob trying to force a family relationship was not the best route. They had made it clear before that they are just two different people. You can coparent without being in a relationship.

But even through it all they still cared deeply for each other. So yeah.

But my only true criticm of the show is the paternity test results. Now sure we don't know what they say BUT Jean's reaction screams that Jakob isn't the father. Which just disappoints me. Jean has been through so much.

And who else would be the father? We weren't shown any other potential baby daddies.

Also she's been through so much just give her one thing.

Like I like to hope that next season she tells Jakob and even though he's not the dad, he's been there and he was making that baby a goddamn tree house that he steps up and raises that baby like it is his because that baby deserves a father.

But I can only see that Jean will probably hide the truth and they start out quite happy until the results are discovered and Jakob finds out and he is rightfully upset and angry and betrayed and he leaves her and the baby. Or real baby daddy comes to try to be there and makes more drama.

Idk

And just because it's how the show goes Maeve and Otis are gonna have something come up and it gets in the way of them being together.

I hope Michael and Adam make some peace as part of both of their developments. Of course I do see Michael having issue with Adam's lack of traditional success and his sexuality but I hope they work it out or at least try next season.

And I hope that Rahim and Adam don't become a thing. They are similar in their introversion and lack of flamboyancy with their sexuality but I hope they bond and become friends but I don't think it's be in good taste for them to date. It's like recycling your gays.

I'm not really sure what's in store for the school. I think maybe someone swoops in last second or they all go to different schools and have to move away and they all lose touch and it's a big component of next year.

And I'm not sure about Eric and what path he takes. Maybe he starts going out to gay spaces and meets someone or just messes around to have fun. But to be honest I'm not sure.

Anyways yeah.

#sex education spoilers #sex education season 3 spoilers #sex education season 3

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kibybun · 4 years ago

Text

Yandere/Fishermen Hawks x Mermaid reader

Tw: toxic relationship, yandere, slight gore, self harm

Enjoy!

🌊You were swimming with a school of fish on a sunny day with a light drizzle. You occasionally let your tail trail against the surface so you can feel the drizzle.

🌊You didnt expect the sharp spear to peirce your tail.

🌊You flail and splash to try and escape. You didnt want your scales to be skinned off of you and sold. You still wanted to live.

🌊You see a pair of masculine reach into the water for you. You try and dart away, like the fish had, but were unable to due to the spear. If you dont die to the poacher you'd die to the sharks that were sure to come.

🌊You flail even harder when the hands slowly pull you up from the water. It was strange, they were so gentle even though you knew they were about to kill you.

🌊You were pulled up onto the relatively small boat with your tail limply hanging off the boat. You were shocked to even be pulled onto the boat but the fact it didnt tip over amazed you.

🌊You then notice the man the lifted you from the water. He was very good looking and you could see the muscle on him.

🌊He started apologizing as he gently tried to remove the spear from you. He also explained how he thought you were just a big fish, not meaning to hurt such a beautiful creature.

🌊You blush at his pretty words and how gentle his hands felt against you. You were trying to tell him thank you and how handsome he was but your words were confined to the water.

🌊You let out babbles and he just gazes at you with a soft smile.

🌊You were quite surprised when he released you. You were most certain the he was going to sell you.

🌊He continues to talking to you as he rows to shore. He later introduces himself as Keigo, but in business he goes by Hawks.

🌊Eventually you reach shore and you dont want him to leave. He may have stabbed you but he was nice enough to tend to your wounds and give you a decent one side conversation. You didnt necessarily want any anything in particular from him, just his company.

🌊You manage to get him to stay a little longer and listen to everything he says. You were mainly just fascinated with the fact that the two of you were different. You've only ever interacted with fish so it was so refreshing having something that can talk. You were especially interested in what people do with legs.

🌊After the sun set you were ready to leave, only being stopped by Keigo. He asks you if he'd see you again. You reply honestly saying probably not.

🌊He looks heartbroken.

🌊You quickly alter your answer and he perks up again. He bids you farewell, telling you he'd be back on the water at dawn.

🌊The next day you swim back towards the shore and find his little boat halfway there. You pop up from the water and look at him. He jumps at your sudden appearance but is happy to see you nonetheless.

🌊He quickly grabs something from his pocket and asks for your hand. You comply and he attaches a band around your wrist. You ask him what it is and he says it's a bracelet. You look back down at the bracelet and watch the tiny dot blink on and off.

🌊You happy hug him, almost pulling him into the water. You've never gotten a gift before!

🌊You spend the rest of the day nest to him, helping in fishing. Once again, it's time to leave. Keigo gets sad again but you cant promise to meet up with him tomorrow. That only makes him upset.

🌊Thus the cycle started.

🌊Youd meet up and hang out. After youd try and leave but he'd stop you. Guilt tripping you into meeting up the next day, no matter how tired, hungry, or if you were sick.

🌊One day you were sleeping and missed the time to meet up with him. It startled you waking up to yelling. Swimming up to the top of the water you see Keigo frantically searching for you.

🌊You show yourself to calm him down but that only makes him angry. He heavily questions where you were and if he even matters to you.

🌊It was extremely difficult to explain you were sleeping and that you care greatly for him.

🌊In the end you swim away feeling defeated, as if he won.

🌊And again a new cycle begun.

🌊Youd make a tiny mistake or let off the tiniest hint that you wanted to be somewhere else and he'd break down. Crying and saying that you've made his life so much better, that he doesnt know how he'd live without you.

🌊Everytime youd be pushed up against an invisible wall, holding him and doing whatever he says.

🌊Even if your health was rapidly declining. With spending so much time with Keigo you havent been able to hunt or sleep. Your scales seem to have lost their shine and the water seems so much colder due to your lack of body fat.

🌊He's even tried to take you onto land.

🌊Trying to hide your large tail was an issue so he suggested cutting it off. You panicked, thinking he was serious, and swam away. The next day you hid from him, not prepared for the amount of stress he'd bring.

🌊But the more you tried to move on and focus on yourself your mind wandered to him. He needed you. You were what kept him grounded. How could you abandon him like that? You had to go help him.

🌊You swim around trying to find his boat when you find on really similar. You swim up to it, thinking it was Keigo's, only to be surprised when you were tangled up in a net.

🌊You flail like you did the first day you ment Keigo only to be threatened with death.

🌊You silently cry as you're transported onto shore and through alleys. You still didnt want to die. You just wanted to check up on Keigo, maybe you should've stayed away.

🌊You jolt as you suddenly fall to the ground. You watch as Keigo swiftly, but brutally, kills your captors.

🌊Once free you try to leap into his arms but he pushes you away. He quickly ties you up with rope, quiet roughly, and watches you for a moment. His eyes distracted and dull.

🌊He slowly starts talking. Saying how much you hurt him, how he couldn't stand it. He slowly reveals his arms to show your name carved over and over again.

🌊How could you let him do this to himself?

🌊You were too busy thinking about how this was all your fault that you didnt notice the knife he pulled out.

🌊You shriek as the blade digs into your flesh right above where your scales start.

🌊He only stares at you as he continues to cut deeper. You, unable to speak, just cry and silently plead for him to stop and tell you why he was doing this.

🌊One of your pleas were answered as he starts talking, still slowly trailing the knife through you.

🌊He just mutters how he should be the only one to touch you. How you belong to him because he fished you up first. How disappointed he was because you tried swimming away from him. But that could never happen because he was tracking you with the bracelet. How he'd make sure youd never swim away from him again.

🌊You scream out again as the knife begins to aggressively saw in between your scales and flesh. He stops about half way to look at his work. You can tell he wasnt satisfied.

🌊His knife slowly trails down your scales, not yet piercing them. He looks directly into your eyes saying how he loves you so and that you should've never tried to swim away.

🌊His knife slowly starts to gut your tail.

🌊All that could be heard that night was the wails and pitiful screams of a beast in pain. Eventually you pass out due to pain and blood loss.

🌊When you wake up you feel so dry and weak. You try to move, only to find yourself strapped to a bed. When you try to break free, the door opens to reveal Keigo.

🌊He walks over to you and helps you gulp down a glass of water. He also takes this time to explain that you're in his house, well, your new house. You were now going to live with him.

🌊You didnt want that.

🌊You try to break free again only to have him slowly lay you down. He warns you to be gentle or else your stitches will come undone.

🌊You look at him confused, only to have him move the covers covering your lower half.

🌊Everything was gone. Everything below your belly button had disappeared.

🌊You look at Keigo in a panic. He only only smiles and leans in to whisper in your ear.

🌊"I told you youd never be able to swim away from me again."

Kiby~💚

#mha keigo takami #keigo tamaki #my hero academia keigo takami #mha hawks #yandere hawks #hawks x reader #hawks #bnha hawks #pro hero hawks #yandere x reader #yandere #my heo academia #my hero academia #my hero x reader

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dragonofdarknesschaos · 4 years ago

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I've been thinking (because I'm quarantined and bored, sorry )..how it could be possible for Jack to form a good friendship? ...I mean even if a person shows affection, good intentions or a real interest on his stuff... the chance of Jack's betrayal is still there. I don't know I'm wondering ..if he can have a healthy friendship.

*cackles* Jack Spicer, as he is in XS, is not capable of forming a stable and healthy relationship, despite the fact that he desperately wants and needs one. And if that ain’t the tragedy of the whole series.

The Jack of Showdown

Just when Jack finally starts to actually warm up and be open and honest about his feelings with others, he either gets grossly mistreated (“The Deep Freeze,” “The Apprentice”) or is presented with the choice of being loved and accepted, despite who he is and what he’s done, or giving in to his baser instincts and double crossing his new would-be friends to get praised by someone who could not care less about him (“The Apprentice”). It’s difficult to tell if Jack feels he doesn’t deserve to be happy for some deep and personal reason, or if he’s so focused on being seen as EVIL™ and not good; that he believes he must take any and all opportunities to prove his evil worth. Whatever the reason, the Jack in XS would need someone that will stick by his side no matter what decisions he makes, or what actions he takes to push that person away. Someone who unconditionally supports him and wants to be by his side. The problem is, that’s more of a pet and has the potential to become quite toxic.

The Jack of Chronicles

As for the Jack of XC, he has some boundaries, and he’s not quite as ruthless. He knows he’s kind of a loser, but he still really wants a girlfriend to help boost his sense of masculine ego. But more importantly, he just wants a friend, to the point that he was willing to pay people to hang out with him (just like in XS “Something Jermaine,” “Judging Omi” and XC’s “Magic Stallion and the Wild Wild West,” “Buddy Blue Ray and the Golden Bunnies,” and “Heal Me”).

Jack enjoys Wuya’s company, but she gets frustrated with his lack of action in favor of building capital or just having fun (the Golden Toilet arc, “Super Cow Patty,” “Tokyo Madness,” and “Omi Saves the Holidays” among many others). Jack seems to have moved out of his parent’s basement, and is now in his own warehouse/factory, so he’s really trying to focus on starting up his Evil Business idea and often refers to himself as an “evil entrepreneur” throughout the series. While Wuya appreciates the “go get ‘em” spirit, she still feels that Jack isn’t doing enough to help her, which is the whole reason they teamed up in the first place. Because of her nagging attitude and matriarchal approach to the relationship, Jack often feels smothered and refuses to act. However, he still has boundaries and refuses to do certain things if they are not in his interests as well (“Back in the Flesh Again”).

Jack and Shadow

With Wuya as Jack’s pseudo-mother, he needs a datemate to call his own. Gone is his curiosity in Kimiko (though he does seem to think she’s still cool), but if it’s any other girl, he will do his best to impress her.

Case in point Willow--who he tried to ask on a date if he won the Showdown Trio in “The Fall of Xiaolin.” She strongly states that she isn’t interested in him in the least, and because the two never see each other again, I would assume Jack dropped the pursuit.

Shadow on the other hand, he likely sees a lot of himself in her. They’re both evil, admire Chase, they seem about the same age, and... that’s about where the similarities end. Shadow’s actions say that she is repulsed by Jack, but she never pushes him away, and even praises his “doo-hickies” (“The Laws of Nature,” “Rocco”). With the use of camera drones, Jack witnessed a lot of the private behavior and abuse between Chase and Shadow, and even some of the abuse in person ( “Tigress Woo,” “Rocco”). Even the cold open of “Who Shrunk Master Fung?” features Jack being very careful not to harm a strange bird, who is later revealed to be Shadow. Case in point, the Jack of XC has a streak of kindness in him, and it is unclear if Shadow sees that and resents Jack for having it, or if she admires that aspect of him. Regardless, after the events of “The Laws of Nature,” where Jack effectively double crosses Chase (and her by extension), Shadow likely made the choice to never trust Jack completely. She double crosses him at the end of their wonderful team up in “Back in the Flesh Again.” And Jack doesn’t even get upset or angry about the loss and betrayal. He’s even more smitten and tries to brag to Omi and Ping Pong before realizing they aren’t into it and flies off.

Overall Jack and Shadow have feasible grounds for a relationship--even a romantic one--if they could both create some honesty and trust between each other, but neither is willing to do that, despite Jack’s over sharing (literally every time he opens his mouth around Chase). For further reading on Jack’s relationship with Shadow and Chase, check out this post.

Jack doesn’t interact with Tigress, Kimiko’s older sister, much, but he does bother to keep tabs on her and warns Kimiko about her sister’s more nefarious activities (“Tigress Woo”). It’s unclear if he did this in an effort to get closer to the Monks as a friend, or if he was stalking Tigress because he was attracted to her. In either case, Tigress is never seen again or mentioned by Jack.

Jack’s Other Interests

There are a handful of episodes in XC that revolve around Jack seeing or meeting another evil-doer and fixating on them, often trying to model himself after them in some fashion. He does this with PandaBubba to a lesser extent in “Magic Stallion and the Wild Wild West,” then goes full blown fan for Super Cow Patty (in his self-titled episode) and later Le Mime in the same episode, making fan videos and full costumes with personas for both his fixations. In both instances with the truly evil characters (PB and Le Mime), Jack was looking for a sense of acceptance by an Evil Businessman and entrepreneurial peer, and a sense of belonging to a larger community with Le Mime and his henchmen. That desire for belonging to a larger community is reiterated earlier in the series with “Heal Me” and Reverse!Jack’s cult.

However, when presented with an actual fan of his, Tiny Sim, Jack is actually somewhat reluctant to have the fan tag along with him. And maybe that was for the best, as Jack soon discovers that the fan he inspired to become Evil is actually a lot better at it than he, himself, is (“Drawn to be Evil”). In retaliation, Jack confines the fan to being just a creative idea intern. Jack is essentially taking credit for all of Tiny Sim’s ideas, and not paying the kid a thing. Sim, either because he’s doing what his idol taught, or because he feels cheated, makes it a priority to take a Wu or two when he can out of Jack’s stash (“Mark of the Dragon Spirit”). Sadly, the series ended before the relationship between these two could be further developed. It wouldn’t have been healthy, but at least it would have been something.

Another important note, Jack does make the clear distinction in both series that the gallery of sellswords he pays to be around him are only in it as long as there’s money for them to be had. They are not his friends, they will never be his true friends, they’re just people he pays until the money runs out (“Something Jermaine,” “Judging Omi”). So Katnappe, Tubbimura, Cyclops (after their initial debut), and to a lesser extent Vlad will never truly be Jack’s friends. Vlad does make a return in XS’s “The Demon Seed” to try and cheer Jack up (not that he’s very good at it), but he doesn’t seem to want anything from Jack other than to do evil things and pal around. This is a bit of a departure from their first encounter where Jack was presumably paying Vlad to be his hired muscle and inside man (“The Deep Freeze”).

Jack’s Robots

Jack’s relationship with his various Jackbots and other robots is an interesting one. It’s possible that he created them out of a sick sense of wanting to have friends that he could control, but it comes back more to how the bots are presented in both series.

The Jackbots of XS seem to have a hive mind of sorts, as they will blindly (and sometimes literally) follow their master’s commands. Those that fall are replaced as if nothing happened to the fallen Jackbot; their numbers are legion. The bots are later programmed with emotions and feel sadness, but not fear. This is interesting, because Jack is shown having temper tantrums from time to time, but he doesn’t break things, only tosses them around (“The Journey of A Thousand Miles”).

Jack’s relationship with the more “custom” humanoid robots is split into a binary. On the one side are the bots that went rogue and have tried to annihilate him or simply want nothing to do with him: Chameleon Bot, Robo!Jack, and the patent-pending Shen Gong Wu Detect-o-bot. On the other side are the bots he grew very attached to: Yesbot, his Cheerbot squad, and the Shen Gong Wu Detect-o-bot before it went rogue. Both Yes~ and Detect-o~ allow Jack to be more of a child, as he is depicted being held like a scared child with both of them (if I remember correctly. “Oil in the Family,” “The Demon Seed”). He treats them like the parent he doesn’t have around. The Cheerbots are his hott Barbie dolls that he gets to dress up and maintain. He doesn’t go much farther than projecting personalities and life problems onto them. Eventually they are absorbed into the Jackbot hive.

Remember how Jackbots don’t show or know fear in XS? XC opens with Jack having a tantrum, and many of his various designs of bot run away from him. Jack is left cornering Chefbot, who has darts sticking out of his chef’s hat. Rather peculiar for robots to be afraid of their master, especially since they are meant to be hoards of drones. As Chefbot is developed as a character, Jack comes to respect his creation more, but Chefbot says he has no interest in hanging around someone like Jack; he wants to go places and be a real chef! He can’t do that if he’s making paltry snacks for Jack. Chefbot’s last appearance in the series is on a cooking show (either on TV or YouLook) making pizza, while Jack follows along from his RV. Jack seems quite relaxed and at ease, even using the Banyan Twister Shen Gong Wu to stretch his body and the pizza dough. It is never stated, but perhaps Jack is proud of his creation accomplishing it’s dream.

Thank You for Being a Friend

In conclusion, the Jack of XS is incapable of having a healthy friendship with anyone, either because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it or because he really is just a terrible person and pushes everyone away. He would need someone to stand by and support him no matter what he does and no matter how horribly he treats that person. Such a relationship has the potential to become toxic if boundaries are not set and if Jack doesn’t grow as a person.

The Jack of XC is desperate for a single friend, but 98% of the cast sees him as a pathetic loser, and not worth a second of their time. Those that do see value in Jack’s companionship have all been hurt by Jack’s betrayal and lack of trust, or have betrayed Jack, because they have no trust in him (often from a previous encounter). For this Jack to form a stable friendship, he needs someone who he can talk to honestly, openly, and not be judged for his feelings, and he seems to want someone who talks the same way to him. He’s ready for a relationship, he just doesn’t have the rapport or trust built up with anyone.

TL;DR

Jack lacks basic trust in all his relationships. He would need someone he can constantly count on, while also setting healthy and reasonable boundaries with that person. If honesty and trust--ABSOLUTE TRUST--is there, Jack can have a friend, maybe even something more.

#Chaos replies #anon #Jack Spicer #analysis #//the potential is there with Shadow and I strongly believe they were going to become an end game in XC #//but yeah he's burned so many bridges and there aren't even ropes left on some for him to climb on

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belorage · 4 years ago

Note

Wes for the full clear on the OC asks? 😘😘😘

— OC QUESTIONS

BASICS

What’s their full name? Wesley Daniel Brooks

What does their name mean? Why were they named that? Wesley means “western meadow,” Daniel means “God is my judge,” and Brooks means “stream.” You can find my real world reasoning for choosing his name here. As for the canon reasoning, Wesley is a family name on his father’s side and Daniel is a good Christian name.

Do they have any nicknames? Lots. Wes is the big one (Hwes if you’re Hurk Jr.), Rook, Dep (Deputy if you're as extra as John Seed), Bright Eyes (Raf only), Sundance (Nick only), Darling (Lyra, when she’s being cheeky), and probably a handful more that I’m forgetting.

How old are they? 28, almost 29 as of the start of FC5.

When’s their birthday? November 11, 1989

What’s their zodiac sign/element/birthstone/etc.? Do they believe that holds any significance? Scorpio sun, Aries moon, Aquarius rising. Year of the snake. Birthstones are topaz and citrine. He isn’t aware enough of any of this to believe in it.

What’s their species/subspecies? Do they have any special/magical abilities? He is a natural disaster in human form. His special ability is that he somehow manages to survive that for as long as he does.

What “class” do they belong to (for fantasy characters)? If none, what weapon do they favor? A revolver (Steel & Ivory), a sawed-off shotgun (Sin Eater), or basic hand-to-hand. Close combat is preferable to range. He also uses homemade C4 in his tireless crusade against cult infrastructure.

APPEARANCE

What do they look like? He’s 6′3″, has brown-ish hair (specifically, a warm golden bronze color) and hazel eyes with long eyelashes. Fit, moderate-to-lean build. Sharp features, angular jaw, a pronounced Cupid’s bow. He has the facial hair of a man who has forgotten to shave for two weeks, because he is—you guessed it—a man who has forgotten to shave for two weeks.

Do they have a face claim? Tomas Skoloudik

What’s their style like? Clothes, hair, makeup? Casual clothing—flannels (often tied around the waist), t-shirts, henleys, jeans, boots, jewelry (gold, leather), leather jacket, cargo jacket. His hair is messy and soft, just like he is, because he doesn’t overload it with hair products unlike some people. He’s got an ouroboros tattooed around the lower part of his right forearm and (universe-dependent) John and Lyra’s names on the inside of his wrists.

How do they carry themselves? What’s their default expression? He attempts to project swagger and indifference, but to anyone who knows him and is paying attention, he’s an open book. In a comfortable environment, he’s loose and casual. His default expression is fixated if he has something to occupy his mind and distant if he doesn’t.

Do they have any physical ailments or disabilities? No, but he’s got bruises and flesh wounds aplenty! He’s got bite marks and scratches galore! You want knife-slashing scars? He’s got twenty. But who cares? No big deal. Wes wants mooooore! 🎵

PERSONALITY

What’s their alignment? Chaotic Good/Chaotic Neutral

Which one of the 16 Personality Types do they fit into? ISFP

What are their hobbies and interests? Do they have any particular “favorites” (food, books, and so on)? I answered for his favorite films and TV here, and his favorite book is Watership Down. He likes the Beatles and bar snacks and black coffee. His favorite cultists are Lyra, John, and Shaggy—please don’t judge him.

What are they bad at? Dancing!

What kind of things do they dislike/hate? Hates being controlled, dislikes very sweet things.

Do they have any vices/addictions/mental illnesses? Impulsiveness, reactive behaviors. He smokes and drinks, although neither of those are done with a shocking amount of excess. Previously, harder drugs.

What are their goals and motivations? Freedom and acceptance.

What are their manners like? Any habits? He’s not a jerk; he has passable manners when the situation calls for them, but Emily Post would like him not. His habits are covered in much more detail here, but the big one is that he tends to busy his hands and/or mouth with things wherever possible.

What are they most afraid of? Rejection, abandonment, enclosed spaces, death (specifically, the possibility of an afterlife).

BACKGROUND

Where were they born? What was their childhood like? Born in Hope County. He was an only child and his home life was suspect, but made moderately more bearable by his best friend. Once he realized trying to please his father was a losing battle, he said hell yeah to a downward spiral of rebelliousness and troublemaking.

What’s their family like? His dad was a jerk of the sort that would never be satisfied. Big on toxic masculinity, short on acceptance. His mother loved him, but she fell in line more often than not.

What factions or organizations are they a part of? What ranks and titles do they hold? Hope County Sheriff’s Office (probationary sheriff’s deputy), Hope County Resistance (figurehead, pot stirrer, problem magnet).

How do they fit into their “story”? Barely. Next question. I hate to use this word yet again, but it’s the only one that fits: his story is mostly about acceptance—self, fate, fault, sorrow, joy—because as much as he desired acceptance from others, he denied a lot of it for himself.

Where do they currently live? What’s their place like? He grew up in the Silver Lake trailer park, way up on the northeastern end of Holland Valley, near the Whitetails. For the duration of the game timeline, I picture him spending more time crashing where he can—with the Ryes, in the woods, wherever—but his own place would be sparse and fairly untidy, with clothes tossed everywhere.

How do they eventually die? Wesley intends to live forever. How dare you insinuate—

RELATIONSHIPS

Do they have any friends? Would they consider anyone to be their best friend? Within the timeline of the game, he has quite a few. Raf is his best friend (and has been since they were kids), but Nick (and Kim) are both up there. He has a soft spot for Mary May; that seems to be reciprocal. He appreciates Grace because she doesn’t ask unnecessary questions. Sharky and Hurk offer unconditional friendship, which he appreciates and sorely needs. Adelaide is the vodka aunt who thirsts after his ex. She tries to rile him up sometimes (in a myriad of ways), but he likes her. And if you account for other universes, his friend count goes way up thanks to the various and sundry brat squad kids.

What’s their friend group like? What role do they play in it? When he was younger, he was the introvert-adopted-by-an-extrovert. He was a bit too withdrawn to have friends outside of that, though he wasn’t unfriendly. For a bulk of the current timeline, his friend group is “ragtag misfits” status and he basically gets ping-ponged between them as they try—with varying amounts of success—to fight a cult.

What’s their love life like? (See also: ship question meme.) Do they have any kids? Depends on the universe. In canon, it’s messy but becomes significantly healthier later on. His previous relationship was promising and likely would have been ideal, except that they were young and unable (or unready) to deal with the realities of their situation. In AU, he is enemies-with-benefits but also grossly in love with the Judge of Eden’s Gate and her husband (who was a fun surprise, but it’s fine, because Wes got Lyra back by giving her a gracious two-for-one deal on children)!

Who do they look up to? Who do they trust? Whitehorse is something of a father figure, though Wes would never say that out loud. For the record, neither would Whitehorse (at least not directly to Wes)—mostly for Wes’s benefit. He trusts Raf, Pastor Jerome, and the rest of his friends listed above.

Who do they hate? Do they have any enemies? Joseph, because Joseph is daddy issues incarnate. Jacob, because Jacob understands Wes well enough to yank him around like a dog on a leash. By the time the Collapse hits, everyone is his enemy to some extent (as evidenced by the adorable horns and pointy tails drawn all over his wanted posters). Notable exceptions are John, Sharky, Hurk, and Whitehorse; however, all but the first are functionally unknown to him.

Do they have any pets? Just Boomer, who is the best emotional support animal a disaster could ask for.

Are they good with kids? Animals? He’s naturally good with both children and animals, but he lacks practical experience, especially with the former (shout-out to the Ryes for finally adding that to his resume).

FUN FACTS

Which tropes do they fit? Which archetypes? Tropewise, he’s Troubled, but Cute and I can’t refute it; apart from the high school thing, it’s a full BINGO clear. He’s also Bruiser with a Soft Center, Inferiority Superiority Complex, Cosmic Plaything, Desperately Craves Affection, Hero with Bad Publicity, I Am Not My Father, and almost certainly a whole host of shameful others that I don’t dare brave the rest of TVTropes to find. Of the twelve classic archetypes, he’s some combination of The Hero and The Outlaw. Otherwise: fallen angel, antihero, byronic hero, prodigal son.

Do they play any instruments? Sports? He can play guitar, but only at an intermediate level. He’s not big on sports, but he can ice skate and he likes to swim.

What are some items they always carry? Steel & Ivory and a lighter; later, Sin Eater. In New Dawn he carries John’s watch.

Do they collect anything? Bad decisions. Minicultists, apparently. Nothing in particular.

What position do they sleep in? His default position when he’s alone and in a comfortable place is on his belly. There are exceptions listed in greater detail here.

Which emoji would they use the most? Honestly, he’s not really the type to use emojis, but he will send his love interest pictures of things he likes or finds pretty with no context. Otherwise, his texts tend to be short, to-the-point, and lacking in punctuation or capitalization. Believe it or not, he’d much rather communicate in person. My most frequently used emojis for him are 🍰 and 🐍. (Awww, cake and snake... They rhyme. How precious!)

What languages do they speak? English. He knows a limited amount of Spanish, but he’s better at understanding it than he is at speaking it.

What’s their favorite expletive? Damn or fuck.

What’s their favorite candle scent? Pine.

What songs remind you of them? I have a playlist for him here, but it—much like him—is a bit of a mess. I also have a playlist based on his own taste in music here.

Which animal would you say represents them? Snakes, stags, swans, scorpions.

What stereotypical high school clique would they fit into? Loners or troublemakers, probably. Stoners on a technicality—he doesn’t fit the stereotype, but he does have a history. He has some of the soul of an art kid but, tragically, none of the talent.

What would their favorite ride at an amusement park be? At a real amusement park, probably the roller coasters. At something more lowkey like a carnival, he’d like the classic, aesthetically pleasing rides like the Ferris wheel or the carousel.

Do they believe in aliens? Ghosts? Reincarnation or something else? He’s not an “I Want to Believe” sort of guy, but he still can’t explain the Larry Parker debacle. He tries very hard not to believe (or at least not to think about) any sort of afterlife, because he fears it.

Do they follow any religions/gods? Do they celebrate holidays? His family was Catholic, but he endeavors not to be. He likely wouldn’t celebrate holidays as a bachelor overmuch, but he would take part in holiday activities with others.

Which Deadly Sin do they most correspond to? Which Heavenly Virtue? Pride and Fortitude.

If you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, which would it be? The Tower, The Devil, The Wheel of Fortune.

#oc: wesley brooks #ch: wesley brooks #v: ouroboros #oc asks #ask games #asks

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chickensarentcheap · 4 years ago

Text

Best Part of Me -Chapter 88

Warnings: none

Tagging: @tragiclyhip, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007

The final attempt at sleep had been successful. Although the road ahead of him is destined to be long and extremely difficult -and no doubt agonizing- his brief moment of wakefulness had done wonders to life Esme’s spirits. That chance to speak to him; to see him open his eyes and know -with one hundred percent certainty- that he was able to acknowledge her. It wasn’t a drug induced incoherent rambling or hallucination. He actually saw her and was able to engage; giving appropriate responses and showing concern for her and the baby. Able to express how he was feeling and that telling her he loved her. No one could ever possibly understand how just incredible that small moment was, or what an enormous impact it had on her state of mind. She knows it won’t be easy. There will be weeks, even months, of healing; tremendous pain and more hard times than easy ones. A full recovery could take as long as a couple of years; countless rounds of physical rehab will be needed and most likely therapy for mental health and addiction issues. But he’s already shown just how tenacious and strong he actually is; his will to live a lot more powerful than the agony he’s experiencing. With so much to live for, his desire to be with his family again is his main driving force, and she knows he’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to get back on his feet again.

Nathan may have been able to break his body, but he hadn’t made a dent in his spirit.

The burden she’s been carrying -the fear, worry, and uncertainty- had been lessened, and she’d been able to drift off; both body and mind allowing her to rest. So soundly in fact, that she’d only briefly stirred in the wee hours of the morning when Julie had come in while on her rounds. Merely lifting her head from the pillow; quietly observing as the nurse switched empty IV and medicine bags with full ones. Then she’d simply rolled over, pulled the blankets over her head, and easily drifted off.

Her sleep once again had been filled with dreams of the past. Millie’s first steps and how ecstatic and proud Tyler had been; never getting to experience many of Austin’s milestones because of deployments. How tearful he’d been the morning he’d walked into her room and Millie -who’d been standing up in her crib, excitedly bouncing up and down at the mere sight of him- had called him ‘daddy’ for the very first time. And the way he’d broken down in the delivery room when the twins had been born -even harder than he had when his daughter came into the world- and the nurse had given him TJ and said “Here’s your son”. He’d lost his first, and getting that moment again -a baby boy presented to him- had profoundly affected him A man that rightfully shouldn’t even have been alive. Who’d been given a second chance and at times didn’t feel as if he deserved it. There are still times he thinks that way. When the demons of the past resurface and play havoc on his brain; convincing him that the mistakes of a younger man and the amount of blood on his hands has turned him into a monster. It’s the nightmare of living with mental health issues and PTSD; those dark moments where he questions his mere existence and openly states that he doesn’t deserve the life he has now; a wife and children that love and accept him unconditionally.

It’s hard for people to understand. How a man that is so big and so strong -and often intimidating- can have those kinds of thoughts and vulnerable moments. But they don’t know everything that he’s battled. His childhood is one of his best kept secrets; only her and Koen know the full extent of his father’s behaviour, the abuse inflicted, and the long term damage it has caused. It’s not something he readily talks about; even with her. That toxic masculinity still gets the better of him at times. His father’s attempts at beating into him that a man -a REAL MAN- doesn’t show emotion; it means that he’s weak and there’s nothing more pathetic than being weak. And she’s tried to break him of it; years spent assuring him that he isn’t a weak man. A weak man would have given up in that storage facility. In the same way he would have given up on the Sultana Kamal Bridge seven years ago. And he certainly never would have survived the nightmare of his upbringing. Nor would he be so determined to be a better man; the kind of husband and father that a wife and kids can brag about and proud of. Who never have to live in fear of him ; cowering every time he raises his voice or even comes too close to them. Who know -beyond the shadow of a doubt- how much he loves him.

Tyler Rake is anything BUT weak. And he’d shown that the night before. Somehow finding a way to battle his way through this thick haze of multiple medications; gathering the strength to not only open his eyes, but actually think coherently and communicate. He was right. He DOES do whatever he wants.

When she finally wakes, it’s to the patter of rain against the window and the sounds of hospital life trickling through the half open door. Doctors being paged, the shrill ring of patients’ using their call buttons to summon for help, the loud rattle of gurneys being pushed through the halls. It’s a harsh reminder of her current situation; stuck in the ICU of a private hospital in Dhaka, thousands of miles away from her children and the comforts and security of her own home. She misses it. The sound and the smell of the ocean. The morning breeze and sunshine as she stands out on the back deck enjoying that first cup of tea, watching her husband as he helps Millie and the twins search -and dig, at times- for shells, rocks, and beach glass. Often wondering who is enjoying the quality time more; father or children. The dinners cooked on an open fire down by the water; the smiles brought to their faces -and that unconditional love and immense pride in his eyes- as they watch their children play and listen to those little voices and musical giggles floating on the air. And those strong, protective arms wrapped around her from behind as she sits between his legs. Her head resting against his chest as they quietly marvel at the sky; painted vivid shades of orange and pink as the sun sets.

It’s a life she had never even dared to dream about; a beautiful home in an even more even more beautiful place, amazing children and a husband that is faithful and loyal and only has eyes for her. All those things that she’d come to believe SHE didn’t deserve and had long ago given up on finding. How poetic in a way; two broken people coming together to make a slightly dented whole.

Sighing heavily, she rolls from side to back; eyes closed as she stretches and yawns The morning sickness has returned. With a vengeance. More than likely made worse by lack of food and the stress and worry that have accompanied the last twenty four hours. When she manages to quell the threatening nausea and brief spell of dizziness, she opens her eyes and sits up, finding a small paper bag sitting on the extra pillow beside her; name written on the front of it in black marker. And the contents bring the first genuine smile since yesterday morning; aside from Tyler’s brief period of consciousness. A bottle of prenatal vitamins, a small carton of chocolate milk, and an enormous blueberry muffin. Accompanied by a handwritten note from Julie; asking Esme to promise she’ll look after herself AND the baby, assurance that she’ll be back on in the evening, and her home phone number. The latter being offered as not only a ‘helpline’ if she feels overwhelmed and scared and needs someone to vent and cry to, but so she can give the nurse a list of some of her favorite foods. Julie vowing to bring a selection when she clocks in for her shift. It’s refreshing; having someone WANT to take care of her in that motherly fashion. Especially when her own has been anything but.

She shoves her feet into her sandals and climbs off the bed; returning it to its couch form. “Hey baby,” she greets as she stands at the side of Tyler’s bed; combing her fingers through his hair and pressing her lips to his temple. “Good morning. I hope you slept god. You didn’t snore, I know that much. That’s a first, huh? Me not complaining about your snoring? Must have been a really good sleep for you to be THAT quiet. You deserve it; that kind of sleep. Your face looks a little better, I think. Not as swollen. Pretty bruised though. And you’re going to have a couple wicked scars at the end of this.”

Her fingers gently touch the stitches below and above his eye.

“You’d probably joke about how it balances your face out; the right catching up with the left in the scar department. I think they’re going to make you even sexier. Which should be illegal, if you ask me. One man being that sexy? No wonder you’re a DILF. The thirsty ladies may drive me crazy, but I can’t really blame them. Right now I’m kind of mad at you though. I am so nauseous. And I swear, the bump is even bigger this morning...look…” she pushes her fingers through his, then draws their joined hands through the safety railing and places them on her stomach. “...bigger, right? You can’t tell me this is normal. None of the other ones were this size so soon. Not even Declan, and he was over ten pounds when he was born. And you better not be thinking multiples; one is all we can handle right about now. Let’s not bite off more than we can chew, alright? Six is more than enough. And speaking of babies, I’m going to ask Ovi to bring Addie here. She’s tiny still, Tyler. She shouldn’t be away from us this long. Especially me. She needs to be with her momma. And I think it would do you some good, too; having at least one of them here. So that’s my decision and you’re just going to have to live with it.”

She moves his hand back inside the confines of the bed, gently setting it on the mattress

“I love you,” she says, and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “You keep sleeping, okay? And I hope if you’re dreaming, it’s good things for a change.”

****

She gives a small start when she exits the bathroom and finds Koen sitting in the bedside chair. Sipping from a take out cup of coffee and freshly shaven; his face bearing its own fair share of bruises and a handful of butterfly bandages keeping small, superficial wounds closed.

“Morning, sunshine!” He cheerfully greets, and nods to the cup of tea and a bag of fast food breakfast sitting on the window ledge. “I finally get to see you in your sexy jammies.”

Esme gives a derisive snort. “You DO have issues if you find sweatpants and an oversized shirt sexy,” she says as she journeys over to the window “I was going to give you shit for scaring the crap out of me, but seeing as you come bearing gifts, I’ll let it slide.” She peers into the bag, a grin tugging at her lips. “Either it was just a lucky guess, or you somehow know that when I’m pregnant, I always crave breakfast burritos.”

“There’s a lot I know about you. Someone talks about you. All the time. Mostly about shit I don’t need to know.”

“Well I’m glad you listened. Because this is a very nice surprise. Thank you,” she lays a hand on his shoulder and presses a kiss to his cheek. “And what’s up with this?” She lightly taps a hand against the side of his face. “All cleaned up. Smooth like a baby’s bum.”

“I thought there might be some hot nurses walking around. Want to put my best foot forward. Maybe you can hook me up; put in a good word for me.”

“Why would you want to hook with someone here? You’ll be going home soon.”

“Exactly.”

“Ewww…” she grimaces. “...I don’t need to know that you’re a ‘pump and dump’.”

“Considering the things I’ve had to hear from you and him?” Koen nods in Tyler’s direction. “What I said is tame. I’ve actually had to listen to you two….”

“I thought you were moving on from random hookups?” Esme remarks, and she perches on the arm of his chair and delves into one of the burritos. “I thought you were getting too old for that shit?”

“Excuse me, who are you calling old?”

“I thought Tyler was rubbing off on you. That he was some sort of inspiration to you and Rata; convincing you two it was time to stop sowing your wild oats and settle down once and for all. Didn’t you say it gave you hope? That if...and I quote…’someone can put up with the likes of him, that’s proof there IS someone out there for everyone’.”

“I did say that.”

“So what gives? Why are you looking for a random? You deserve more than that”

“Well if he was awake and could tell me where to find another one of you, I’d be all set.”

“Sorry. I’m limited edition. And I’ve already been claimed. A couple breakfast burritos just aren’t enough to make me divorce my husband and run away with you. It definitely takes more than that.”

“I knew I should have gotten you hash browns too.”

“That would have done it! Boy, did you ever blow that. I would have for sure ran away with you. Right this very second.”

“You know, as much as I enjoy our little banter, I don’t think I could handle you.”

“Oh, you definitely couldn’t. It takes a special breed of man, believe me. And I’m serious; aren’t you tired of NOT having someone to call your own? Someone to go home to at the end of the day? Someone that is your ‘be and end all’? Your ‘ride or die’?. You deserve to be happy. I WANT you to be happy.”

“I think Tyler took all the happy and didn’t leave any for anyone else.”

“When we get home, I am finding someone for you. I don’t care what it takes; I will put you on every dating site out there.”

“What about your sister? Or step sister. Whatever she is.”

“Riley? Are you serious? She’s twenty three!”

“And?”

“And you’re thirty years older than she is!”

“How old do you think I am?”

“I know you’re eight years older than Tyler. He’s almost forty two. So I lied; you’re only twenty seven years old than she is.”

“And?”

“And that’s fucking disturbing!”

Koen shrugs. “She’s cute”

“She is. You know who else finds her cute? Women. Who she is into. And she’s not a switch hitter.”

“Doesn’t take after her older sister, huh?”

Esme frowns. “He told you THAT, too?”

“He’s told me a lot of things, sunshine. You forget; he’s a chatty drunk. Until he’s a depressed and weepy drunk, that is.”

“There are many sides to him you don’t get to see. Sober sides. And don’t worry; my sister isn’t in contention, but I WILL find someone for you. And speaking of someone, where’s your sidekick?”

“He saw something downstairs he liked.”

“Really…” she playfully wriggles her eyebrows. “...blond or brunette?”

“Something in the gift shop. For the baby.”

“He knows?”

“EVERYONE knows.”

“Yaz has a big mouth,” Esme grumbles. “We weren’t going to tell anyone until we got home and found how far along I am. It’s what Tyler and I wanted.”

“I could gather a guess. About how far.”

“Sure you could,” she mutters. “And why do you keep looking at me like that? Why do you keep staring at my crotch?”

“I’m looking at your stomach. Where’d that come from?”

“It’s been there. I’ve just been hiding it because no one was supposed to know! Now that everyone does, I guess I don’t have to wear baggy clothes anymore. And it’s big, right? The bump? Bigger than any of the others?”

“How should I know? I only saw you pregnant with Millie and Addie. Never saw you with any of the boys.”

“It’s never been like this so soon! How big IS this baby?”

“Look at the size of the kid’s father. Maybe it’s taking after him. Or maybe there’s more than one.”

“Why would you do that? Why would you think it? Don’t put that out into the universe. There’s just one. That’s it. That will make it six. A nice even number.”

“Number six must be pretty damn big then.”

“You know what? You’re off my Christmas card list. There’s no way we’re running away together. You totally shit the bed. No second chances for you.

“What if I bring you chocolate?”

“Not even then. You just had to jinx the entire thing.”

Koen gives an over dramatic pout.

“Buddy, I have seen better pouts on a much bigger man. That won’t work on me. You have nothing on Tyler’s pout.”

“He doesn’t pout.”

“He sure as shit does. I’m going to prove it one day. I’m going to catch him doing it and take a picture. Then I’ll have the evidence. Tanner has the EXACT same pout; he mostly does it when he’s sleeping.”

“Speaking of pictures, I’ve got a little something for ya.” Koen reaches into the side pocket of his cargo pants, pulling out his cell and then thumbing through the gallery; choosing the image he wants and offering the phone to her. “Thought it would make you smile. The world’s a shitty place when you don’t. You got yourself a pretty nice smile.”

“You’ve been taking ass kissing lessons from the best, haven’t you,” she chides, then pops the last of her breakfast into her mouth and wipes her hands on her thighs. “Oh...my...god…” she breathes, and almost squeals in delight at the sight before her. Her husband long before the hardness and weariness brought on by his time in the military, substance abuse issues, and the dangers of the job. Before all of those demons took hold of him and he’d yet to go under a tattoo artist’s needle and no scars marred his body. Tall and lean; broad shouldered and bearing the start of the strong and solid physique of a soldier. A brush cut and a smooth, clean face; the smile -genuine and pure- making his eyes crinkle and sparkle.

“Back when he couldn’t even grow a proper beard yet,” Koen muses. “When he was still wet behind the ears. Nothing hard ass about that bloke in the picture, is there.”

“Where did you get this?” Esme can’t explain it; the tug at her heart and the emotion choking at her and the tears that well in her eyes. There’s something so surreal about it; seeing the person you love long before a hard and unpredictable life got a hold of them.

“Found a box of old pictures when I was going through some stuff back home. Meant to show it to him, but never got around to it. You mentioned before that you’ve never seen what he looked like before...well...before all of this.”

“I’ve only ever ever seen one picture of him. When he was five; with his mom on his first day of kindergarten. He doesn’t have any other ones; he says it’s not worth the grief he’ll get if he asks his dad if he has any. This is…I don’t know...it’s amazing. You have no idea what this means to me; seeing this. ESPECIALLY right now. This is everything. You can’t possibly understand what this does for me.”

“I think I do. I know how you feel about him. That you’re just as much a fool in love as he is.”

“I certainly am,” she smiles. “How old is he here?”

“Nineteen. Hadn’t been out of basic long; a couple weeks maybe. When he was a cocky little shit and as green as fresh baby shit. Cute, ain’t he?”

“Very cute. It’s weird seeing him like this. I’ve only seen MY Tyler. The one I’ve spent seven years with. I’ve never seen THIS Tyler. I know that sounds strange.”

“I’ve heard stranger.”

“Fourteen year old me would have had a huge crush on him.”

“What was fourteen year old Esme like?”

“Awkward. Geeky. Short as fuck and chubby. I had braces and jet black hair and I dressed like a goth. Big old Doc Marten boots that went up to my knees and everything.”

“Now THAT I’d like to see.”

“I don’t even have pictures of ME when I was that young. Tyler’s never seen old photos of me, either. I think the youngest he’s ever seen me was when I was twenty-three and just got into the Corps. It’s what happens; when your family is toxic and you’d rather not deal with them. Can you send this to me? I’d love to have this. And I’d love to show the kids. Especially Millie. She’d like to see her daddy when he was young and cute.”

“I’ll send it to ya. And when we get home, I’ll bring that box down and we can go through it. I’m sure there’s more you’d love to have. “

“Thank you.” She can’t hold back the tears. “You have no idea what it means to me. Even just having one picture. And I’m sorry; that I’m a whiny bitch baby. I would like to be able to blame it on the baby and my hormones, but it’s not those things. It’s just me. I’m not exactly having the best twenty four hours. I miss my kids. I hate being so far away from them. Especially Addie. But I can’t leave Tyler here. I just can’t.”

“I could stay,” Koen offers. “He wouldn’t be alone, you know that.”

“And I appreciate it, I do. But I need to be here with him. I didn’t leave him seven years ago, and I’m sure as hell not leaving him now. It’ll be better; when he gets sent to a hospital back home. Closest one is an hour from the house. It’ll be better than.”

“Well I’ll stick around as long as you need me to. Sort of made a promise that I’d take care of ya. I ain’t breaking it.”

“You’re all heart, Koen. You can pretend to be surly and hard ass all you want. I’m onto you.”

“Yeah, well I kind of like that giant, dumb ass bloke you’re married to. And you’re growing on me. So I figure I might as well step up and take his spot and treat like you like the queen you are.”

“You smooth talker,” she teases, ruffling his hair and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you. For the picture. You really don’t know how grateful I am for it. And thanks for being here; for both of us.”

“Anytime, sunshine.”

“And thank you for being with him yesterday. I could tell he was scared and in pain, and when I think what would have happened if he’d been alone…”

“Well he wasn’t. Alone. So don’t even think about that.”

“Thank you for getting him out of there. At least if he DID die, he wouldn’t have been left there. I don’t think I’d ever get over that; if I had to leave him here. I couldn’t cope with that.”

“Let’s not think about that, yeah? He got through it. He got out of there and it’s only uphill from here.”

“He really thought he was going to die, didn’t he.”

“Honestly? We all thought he was going to die.”

She releases a long, shaky sigh and blinks back tears. “I’m glad you were there with him. At least if the worst happened, he wouldn’t have been by himself. That is my biggest fear when it comes to the job; that if it DOES happen, he’ll be alone. I don’t know why it bothers me as much as it does. I just don’t want him to be alone...you know...IF…”

“Can’t dwell on stuff like that. You’ll drive yourself insane. Or give yourself gray hair.”

“Bold of you to assume I don’t already HAVE gray hair.”

“I don’t see anything.”

“I appreciate you feeding my ego, but I know you can see it. And believe, every one of my gray hairs has Tyler’s name on them. Maybe TJ too. Go figure; the junior being a TRUE junior.”

“That kid is his dad through and through. Tough on the outside, all heart on the inside. And that Millie…”

“Female version of him.”

“Exactly. It’s fitting if you ask me; him having a girl first and her being just like him. Gonna have his hands full with her.”

“She called last night. Wanting to talk to him. She had a bad dream and he always makes her feel better after a bad dream. Daddy’s the one that chases all the monsters away. She has so much faith in him; she knows he’d never ignore her. She’s already questioning why she can’t get a hold of him. I have to tell them; I can’t keep lying to them. And I’d rather they hear it from me than someone else. They’ll take it better if it comes from me, I think.”

Koen nods in agreement.

“But on the bright side, he had a really good night. An amazing night, actually. He woke up. Twice. Once for the nurse, once for me.”

Koen frowns.

“What?”

“He woke up?”

Esme nods. “The first time, Julie...his night nurse…said he woke up and wanted to know who the hell she was and that he asked for me. And he even told her he was feeling sick and she gave him some meds for it.”

“Hmm…”

“Second time, he opened his eyes and looked right at me. Told me to not cry. He said he wasn’t in any pain and that he was just tired. And he asked if the baby was okay and he said he loved me. It was amazing; to see him open his eyes and hear his voice.”

“Are you sure? That this happened?”

“What do you mean am I sure? Of course I’m sure. Why wouldn't I be?”

“Thought the doctor said they weren’t going to bring him out sedation for a few days? At least.”

“Julie said it isn’t uncommon; moments of wakefulness and some lucidity. It’s just sedation, it’s not a medically induced coma like last time.”

“He actually woke up? After everything he went through during the day? All the surgeries, the amount of meds they’re pushing into him? He opened his eyes and talked to you?”

“That’s exactly what happened. Why are you questioning it? I wouldn’t lie about this.”

“I’m not saying you’re lying. Maybe you were dreaming. Maybe you were hallucinating from lack of sleep.”

“I wasn’t dreaming and I wasn’t seeing things. He woke up, looked at me, and talked to me. It happened. It was real.”

“Esme, don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe it was wishful thinking on your part and…”

“It happened,” she insists. “I was there. I witnessed it.”

“And I was there in that storage and in that van. I know what kind of shape he was in; I know how close he was to lights out. Permanently. And you’re telling me, after all the injuries, all the surgeries, all the meds, he just woke up? The same day?”

“I know it sounds crazy. And I wouldn’t believe it if someone told me either. But I SAW it. With my own two eyes. And you know how tough he is; how damn stubborn he is. Does it really surprise you that of all the people who would fight THIS hard, it’s Tyler? You know him; you know how strong he is. You know he’d do anything for me and the kids. So is that big of a stretch that he’d wake up like that? Even if it was just to give me some hope?”

Koen sighs.

“He woke up AND he talked to me. And you know what? It was incredible and made me feel better; to know his brain is working and that he’s not giving up. I needed that; some kind of sign that he’s going to be okay And he gave it to me.”

“So why isn’t he awake now?” Koen challenges.

“Maybe he used up all his energy last night and he needs to build it back up again.”

“If he’s got it in him to wake up last night, he should be awake right now. I’ve got some shit to say to him for scaring me as bad as he did. How come he’s not up now and talking to me?”

“I don’t know. I only know what happened last night. I only know…”

“Maybe I don’t want to talk to you,” Tyler’s voice -weak, groggy, and slightly slurred by the effects of medication- pipes up. “Now shut the fuck up. You’re given me a headache.”

“See!” Esme smiles triumphantly. “I told you.”

****

When she returns from taking a much needed shower, she finds Rata outside Tyler’s room tightly clutching a gift bag from the shop in the front lobby and pacing at a near frantic rate. It’s odd to see him this way, clearly frazzled and nervous shoulders tense; chewing on his bottom lip and occasionally stopping and peering into the room. Normally he’s the ‘life of the party’; clueless in an adorable way, always acting far less intelligent than he actually is just to get a laugh. Possessing an air of confidence without an ounce of cockiness; quick with sarcastic comments and witty comebacks. The ‘uncle’ that always sits at the kids’ tables during Christmas dinner and then helps build lego sets and put together toy car race tracks instead of socializing with the adults.

“Hey you,” she warmly greets, and lays a comforting hand on his back. “You okay?”

He responds by wrapping her in a huge; strong, muscular arms noticeably trembling.

“You alright?” Esme asks, as she runs her hands up and down his biceps. “You don’t look so good. What’s going on?”

“I don’t like hospitals much. Especially a place like THIS in a hospital. Where people are really bad. EXTRA bad.”

“He’s a lot better than anyone thought he would be. Especially so soon And he doesn’t look THAT awful, I swear. He’s even waking up for a little bits at a time. A person who is ‘extra bad’, wouldn't be doing that, would they?”

“I just don’t know if I can go in there just yet. I mean, I was there. Yesterday. In the van. I saw what he was like; how bad he was. And I’ve never seen Tyler like that. I’ve seen him shot a couple times during our tours in the Middle East, but those were nothing. Just flesh wounds, you know? But that? Yesterday? Those weren’t just flesh wounds. And by the time he got back home seven years ago…”

“He was already somewhat on his feet and in rehab.”

Rata nods. “He was almost back to himself. It’s going to be a long while before he gets back to himself this time.”

“Yesterday was pretty awful, huh?

He releases a small, shaky sigh. “Wasn’t so much how he looked. All the blood and what not. I mean, that was bad, don’t get me wrong. It was fucking awful. Pardon my language.”

“I hear and say worse all the time. You don’t have to filter yourself around me. You’ve met my husband, right? You can’t be easily offended AND stay married to him. It just won’t work.”

“It was terrible. A fucking nightmare. To see a friend of yours THAT messed up. But the worst part? It was what he SOUNDED like. When he was talking to you. I’ve never heard him sound like that. Ever.”

“Neither have I,” she admits. “Not seven years ago, not even the two times he tried to...well, you know. He never sounded like THAT.”

“Like he was going to die.”

“Yesterday I tried telling myself he didn’t sound that way. That he was just tired and scared and in pain and he just needed it to end. I convinced myself that he didn’t sound THAT bad. Near death. Now I realize I was just trying to make myself feel better, know what I mean?”

Rata nods.

“He was a lot closer to it than I want to admit. I thought nothing could be worse than seven years ago. I was so wrong.”

“It was what he said to you. How he said it. He was pretty sure he was never going to see you again. That’s the only thing he was really scared of; the thought of not getting to be with you anymore. You and the kids. You’re his entire world. I didn’t think I realized how much he loves you all until I heard the things that came out of his mouth. Opened my eyes; made me see him a different way. A good way, just different. He’s lucky. He’s got someone that loves him as much as he loves them. That’s something I think we all want but never seem to find.”

“Sometimes I wonder what I ever did right to deserve him,” she confesses. “And he’s here because of you guys. You and Koen. You did whatever you had to go get him here alive. So thank you. I know it wasn’t easy; what you had to see and do. I was there myself. Seven years ago. I know how hard it is.”

“I feel like such a dick. For not being able to go in there. Like a total pussy.”

“You’re not any of those things. People handle stuff like this in different ways. But you should go in there. He’s really not that bad. And he was awake and talking a bit to Koen. I don’t know if he still is, but I do know he’d like to see you. I know how much he appreciates what you did to help him. I’ll go in with you if that would help.”

“It would. A bit. But first,” he offers the gift bag. “ I have something for you. And the baby.”

“The baby won’t be here for months. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to. Just a little something.”

She reaches into the bag, smiling at the stuffed tiger that she pulls out of its confines. “How did you remember the tradition? Every Rake baby gets a stuffed animal?”

“Just something that stuck with me, I guess.”

“It’s adorable. Thank you. Better not let Millie get a hold of it. That girl and her stuffed animals, I swear. You didn't have to do this. You didn’t…” her voice trails off, fingers reaching for the familiar object tied to the ribbon around the tiger’s neck. Eyes narrowed at first, then slowly widening when the realization sets in it. “Where did you find this? Where…?”

“I didn’t find it. Tyler gave it to me. Before we got to the storage place. He asked me to give it to you if something went wrong.”

“He did?” Esme unties the thin piece of fabric, sliding the ring off of it and then cradling it in her palm.

“He wanted me to make sure you got it. If he didn’t make it. Said it was important that you got it.”

“I thought it was lost,” her voice cracks with emotion. “I thought maybe he took it off beforehand and put it in his pocket and it fell out. Or that the ER staff misplaced it. I didn’t think I’d ever see it again.”

“I should have given it to you right away. Yesterday. Please don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying because of what you did or didn’t do. I thought it was gone. Forever. And I know it’s not much; it’s not expensive or fancy or anything like that. But it’s his. All the dents and scratches that he’s on it over the years. Sounds weird, but they all mean something. I really thought I’d never see it again. And I didn’t think I’d be as torn about it as I was. But it killed me inside; when I couldn’t find it. It felt like a piece of him was gone and I was just waiting for all the other pieces to disappear too. Thank you; you have no idea how much this means to me. To have this back.”

She hooks the handle of the bag around her wrist, then reaches around to the nape of her neck and removes the necklace -the custom made piece with the beach glass Millie had found- and slips the ring onto the chain.

“I’ll do it,” Rata offers, and steps behind her. Large fingers clumsy and struggling at first, but then manage to secure the clasp.

Esme lays a palm over the ring, firmly pressing it into her chest. Feeling the smooth, cool metal with its many imperfections, the familiar weight of it against her. And the relief that simple piece of jewellery brings is profound, stifling sobs with both of her hands as she turns and tightly embraces her friend.

#Tyler Rake #Tyler Rake fan fiction #Tyler Rake fan fic #Extraction fan fiction

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waywardcryptid · 5 years ago

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Do you feel that a person’s sexuality is a defining trait of their character? I personally find it unimportant. I don’t see how it’s something that should be a defining factor in their personality. Sorry if this ignorant, I’m just trying to understand it more I guess...

Boy howdy what a complicated ask to wake up to on my Sunday

This is a lot, and quite a bit more complicated of a subject than I think you realize, but I’mma try and answer it anyways to the best of my personal ability.

Full disclosure so you know the angle I’m coming at this from: I’m a trans gay man. I’m out online and to most of my irl friends, but not to my family (except my sister), so needless to say my sexuality is pretty significantly tangled up in my gender identity.

Disclaimer aside, heterosexual cisgender people have the benefit of experiencing representations of themselves and their sexuality as the cultural default in... well pretty much everywhere. I’m American so I can only speak through that lens, but it doesn’t take a particularly astute person to be able to look at the world and see that.

What that means is that, because they’re the majority, heterosexual people have a pretty different relationship with their sexuality, how it informs their personality, and the way they present themselves from anyone who lands on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. I could (and many other, smarter people have) write an entire book on the inherent problems that come with heterosexuality in the forms of toxic masculinity, performative femininity and a million and one other things that make life that much harder for everyone. Just to be clear, I’m not trying to say that heterosexuality is bad in any way, simply that even when you do fall into the ‘default‘, socially acceptable category, you have your own share of issues regarding your sexuality. It’s usually just less immediately obvious than the persecution that LGBTQ+ people have traditionally suffered.

When you say ‘I don’t see how a person’s sexuality is important‘ or ‘how it’s something that should be a defining factor in their personality‘, what this immediately puts me in mind of is (mostly) heterosexual people that say ‘I don’t care if you’re gay or not, I just don’t want you to be so in my face about it‘.

I don’t want to make any assumptions about you or what your orientation is; for all I know you’re LGBT+ yourself and maybe just a little disconnected from your community. Maybe you’re in a place where it’s hard for you to accept your own sexuality in an open way and so you unconsciously cope by wishing others would ‘tone it down a little‘ so you wouldn’t have to be reminded of it. That’s just what this question feels like to receive, if you get my drift.

Whatever baggage heterosexuality comes with (and it is significant, if slightly more insidious and difficult to pin down on first glance), they’ve never been persecuted for being what they are (no matter what some of the more extreme right-wing voices out there might be screaming atm). Being anything outside of heterosexual was not only outright illegal until frighteningly recently here in the states, but still is in many parts of the world. Hell, here in America there are STILL a few states (*side-eyes Texas*) that have anti-sodomy laws on the books that have never been repealed and are still used to make people’s lives difficult when it suits the people in power. And all that is before you even get to extra-legal harassment, violence, and even murder that is disproportionately inflicted on the LGBT+ community (and god help you if you also happen to fall into some other kind of minority category on top of that).

Still, things have gotten better in recent decades. You can’t legally kill people for being gay (or whatever) these days, and there’s even some laws on the books that protect us from discrimination (though there’s still a long ways to go), and so LGBT+ people now feel at least a little safer in being open about who they are and who they love.

After a long, long time of being persecuted for who they are, some LGBT+ people finally feel secure enough to be out and loud and proud in the face of a system that has been trying to humiliate, ignore, or outright exterminate people like them. So, yes, their sexuality becomes an important factor of their personality because for the first time they (in some parts of the country) don’t have to sneak around in the shadows and pray that this person they’re interested in that seems to be interested in them too actually is and isn’t going to report them to the freaking police for ‘indecency’ or something.

Coming out is difficult. I’m not looking forward to having to come out to my own parents because there is a very real possibility that they’re going to disown me, or at the very least the relationship itself will be crippled for the rest of our lives and will never go back to what it was before. But I’m still going to do it because the idea of living a lie for the rest of my life for the sake of their comfort and the comfort of others is completely insupportable. I only get one life to live and I don’t want to live it like that, I want to live it as me, and I assume most other LGBT+ people feel the same way, which is why they make that leap.

At that point there’s a good chance they’ve given up a lot to get to the point where they’re out and able to be themselves, of course that part of them that they’ve sacrificed so much for will wind up being something of a focus for them.

That said, even LGBT+ people who aren’t ‘loud‘, one might say, can often be perceived as such by the heterosexual majority simply for not obviously being one of them. If a gay man likes wearing makeup because he likes the way it makes him look and feel, is that him making his sexuality a character trait? A lot of hetero people would say yes, and if a straight man decided he liked to wear makeup, most people (including many in the LGBT+ community) would probably make a snap judgement that he was gay when they saw him.

But the thing here is that the hets also perform their sexuality as part of their personality. But so long as it falls within the norms set by our traditionally patriarchal society, no one really notices. If a heterosexual person likes to flirt, would you say that they’re making their sexuality part of their personality? How about one of those traditional country boy ‘manly man‘ types that likes to talk down about city guys that put a lot of effort into their looks because it makes them ‘look gay‘? Is that not just a form of aggressive heterosexuality they’ve turned into a personality trait? What about women that tear down other women for not putting more effort into make-up or their wardrobe or whatever?

There are less toxic versions of heterosexual ‘personality traits‘, of course, but you get my drift. The point here is that everyone performs their sexuality, it’s just that the heterosexual version of that is so widely accepted that it’s not even really seen anymore, so anyone performing anything else sticks out like a sore thumb and is treated as some sort of caricature.

This applies to the ace community too. Even if you have no interest in sex, or are even repulsed by it, you still perform that disinterest. That lack of sexual attraction becomes a personality trait if you’re ‘out‘ (and still is if you’re not out, it’s just being suppressed at that point).

So, tldr; everyone’s sexuality (or lack there of) is a defining part of their personality, whether they realize it or not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It informs what we like, what motivates us, and how we present ourselves to the world at large; to try and separate it from the rest of ourselves is a fool’s errand.

Hope that answers your question, lol XD

#jack answers #sexuality #Anonymous

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voicefulbee · 4 years ago

Text

My slow dance with Jesus

By Joseph Ahab (God Increases Love)

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?” Psalm 42:5a

I waited in vain for an answer, but the lack of response made me mindful of my surroundings. Here I was all alone on the beach at night: sitting on the sand. I couldn't see much, although I was able to make out the vastness of my surroundings in the moonlight. I heard the waves lapping on the beach around me. I took in a deep breath of air, and smelled slightly sulphuric decaying sea matter mixed with salty ocean. A gust of wind passed over me -- chilling my body while it rustled the trees around me.

I took a deep breath and sighed, while staring into the moonlit ocean.

As I closed my eyes, my mind brought me back to around a year ago. I went back to the hospice with my Aunt Deborah: right after my father died. She tells me “God is refining you Joseph.”

I opened my eyes as I shook my head, exclaiming. “Yeah right!”

Combined with losing my Dad and being locked up during a pandemic, I had never felt more alone in my life. Fuck my life!!!

I was pissed. The warmth of a tear falling down my cheek provided temporary relief to the chill of the night. The one tear turned to several. With tears streaming down my face, all I could think of is one of June Osborne’s prayers. I looked up to the stars in the skies and cried out:

“Our father, who art in heaven, seriously? What the actual fuck?”

As I opened my eyes and waited for a response, another gust of wind passed over me -- as the trees rustled around me again.

I turned around and saw nothing but a black void. I closed my eyes again, and this time a prayer from Kesha came to me.

"Am I dead? Or is this one of those dreams? Those horrible dreams that seem like they last forever? If I am alive, why? Why? If there is a God or whatever, something, somewhere, why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I've ever known? I've ever loved? Stranded. What is the lesson? What is the point? God, give me a sign, or I have to give up. I can't do this anymore. Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much."

I opened my eyes as I think I heard a “Joseph!” called out from a distance behind me. While I didn’t see anyone as I strained my eyes, I could now see a tiny flickering light in the distance.

I stood up, brushed the sand off me, and started walking in the direction of the light. As I began to get closer, the light appeared to be a lamp. A beautiful melody of piano chords also began to play.

As I arrived at the lamp, I stopped. Seeing no one, I called out: “hello?” I did a full spin and verified that I was still alone. A guitar and drums were suddenly added to the piano melody playing. I let out a sigh as I imagined this melody to be the perfect slow dance song. Yet here I was, all alone.

Looking up at the sky, I called out, “do you think it’s funny to torture me? Have you predestined me to be alone in the dark? Will you even refuse to dance with me Lord?”

I heard a chuckle behind me. Startled, I turned around. There in front of me was Jesus. “Oh my God!” I gasped in astonishment.

Jesus laughed and replied, “That’s me! I hear you’re looking for a dance partner.”

“Wait, one second! Where did you come from?” I asked.

Jesus chuckled and replied, “I have never left you. I have just been waiting for another one of your invitations. So what do you say… do you want to dance?”

“But you’re a man and I’m a man, my Lord. Surely the Church won’t approve of us dancing together!”

Jesus replied, “freedom comes through abiding in me. Now do you care to take my hand?

I blushed and smiled while grabbing Jesus’ hand.

I placed my arms around his neck as Jesus placed his arms around my waist. We gently swayed to the melody as we stared at each others’ faces. I couldn’t mutter any words: I was in complete awe of what was happening.

Suddenly I heard the voice of a young man call out; his voice coming from beyond the reach of the light coming from the lamp. “Bruh, that’s so gay! Two guys can’t dance together! Go find some chick to bang!”

“Oh no! He’s back my Lord!” I sighed.

“Who’s back?” Jesus enquired.

“Chad. He’s one of my accusers,” I answered.

“He is speaking lies to you Joseph. But it’s your choice to hold onto his lies, or to let them go,” Jesus told me while holding my face.

I then heard the voice of a young woman call out: “You have every right to feel shame. You really need to keep quiet about yourself. This needs to be a secret.”

“Becky’s right my Lord. I should remain in the dark,” I stated while looking at Jesus.

Jesus replied, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

“Change is possible. If your faith is strong enough, and you pray hard enough, you can pray away the gay!”

“Oh Lord, James has a point. Why has my faith been so weak? What will it take for you to finally answer my prayers?” I asked.

“Joseph. Joseph. Joseph. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know this is not your choice. Please ask yourself why you are trying to change what I made wonderful.”

“The only way you’ll ever be able to reconcile your faith with your life is to embrace the affirmation of everything! Sure, you may have to question whether or not that man you’re dancing with is a figment of your imagination, but at least you’ll be able to experience love from everyone else in our church!”

“Do you really desire me to attend Reverend Lovejoy’s church my Lord? Will not my own congregation be willing to discuss my journey with them? Is the only way for me to break away from shame in the Church is to embrace the affirmation of everything?” I enquired of Jesus.

Jesus replied, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

“You’re choosing this because your Mom or Dad traumatized you! You can’t be Christian and gay. You just need to learn to walk and talk like a real man, and then your homosexual condition will fixed.”

“And people wonder why I struggle reconciling my love for you while hearing Nicolas preach this in the Church,” I cried as streams of tears poured out of me.

“Joseph, stop trying to fix yourself and stop looking to others to fix you. Let me transform you,” Jesus affirmed to me. He added, “None of that toxic masculinity ever came from me. I want my children to look to the Son of Man as their role model. Can I get an amen in here?”

“Amen!” I shouted while smiling.

Jesus added, “Now let the music play!” This made me laugh.

“You’re not with a man now, so you’re straight!” shouted Karen.

“No hunty, you’ve been with a man before, so you’re gay! No woman will ever take you again!” argued Charlie.

Before I had a chance to say anything, Jesus grabbed my face and stared into my eyes telling me, “I know you see beauty in my creation regardless of gender. I see you as my beloved child. It’s up to you to use your own words to describe your life.”

As I stared into my Lord’s eyes, the words of David came to me:

Psalm 139

O LORD, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,”

even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

I awake, and I am still with you.

As I pointed to my accusers around me, I continued:

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!

O men of blood, depart from me!

They speak against you with malicious intent;

your enemies take your name in vain.

Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?

And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?

I hate them with complete hatred;

I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!

Smiling, Jesus grabbed my face and proclaimed to me:

John 15:1-14

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branch. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciple. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friend if you do what I command you.

I replied, “Lord, I am one of your branches… but these accusations are preventing me from bearing fruit.”

Jesus asked me, “well, do you want to bear fruit?”

“Yes!” I exclaimed!

“Then to hell with these lies,” Jesus replied, as he pulled out a pair of pruning shears. Suddenly my eyes were opened to each of the parasitic vines attaching me to my accusers. Jesus grabbed the shears, and proceeded to to cut each and every lie growing off me.

We then returned to our slow dance.

“Wow, I guess I was getting tripped up in those vines,” I told Jesus. “Suddenly I can dance a whole lot better. I got the moves like J… ESUS!”

Jesus laughed, then kissed me on my cheek. “I love you Joseph. Now look in my eyes.”

As I stared into Jesus’ eyes, the world around me became intensely hot and blindingly bright. Where I stood, I was comfortably warm, while the discarded vines around me instantly were incinerated. The light surrounding us was so bright that the only thing I could focus my eyes on was Jesus.

While everything was burning around us, neither his nor my hair were singed, nor were our clothes harmed. I placed my head on Jesus’ shoulder while closing my eyes. I took a deep breath and noticed that while my clothes still smelled like Downy Unstoppables, Jesus had a divine scent finer than the costliest perfumes. His arms wrapped around me were so comforting. I could feel my heartbeat against his.

Then the lyrics of the song of our slow dance came to my lips:

I'm Listening - Chris McClarney

When You speak, confusion fades

Just a word and suddenly I'm not afraid

'Cause You speak and freedom reigns

There is hope in every single word You say

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

'Cause everything You say is life to me

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

Quiet my heart, I'm listening

When sorrows roar and troubles rage

You whisper peace when I don't have the words to say

I won't lose hope when storms won't break

You keep Your word, oh and Your promises will keep me safe

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

'Cause everything You say is life to me

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

So quiet my heart, I'm listening

Your ways are higher

You know just what I need

I trust You, Jesus

You see what I cannot see

Your ways are higher

You know just what I need

I trust You, Jesus

You see what I cannot see

Your ways are higher

You know just what I need

I trust You, Jesus

You see what I cannot see

Your ways are higher

You know just what I need

I trust You, Jesus

You see what I cannot see

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

'Cause everything You say is life to me

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

So quiet my heart, I'm listening

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

'Cause everything You say is life to me

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

So quiet my heart, I'm listening

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

'Cause everything You say is life to me

I don't wanna miss one word You speak

So quiet my heart, I'm listening

Jesus whispered in my ear,

“The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” Ecclesiastes 12:13

As the Raven perched on a branch called out to me, I opened my eyes. I noticed that I was standing alone in the same spot, except that it was no longer night time. The sun was just coming over the mountain as the dew on the greenery around me dazzled like jewels.

I lifted my eyes up to the mountain, and shouted my own prayer to the Lord as the Raven took off and soared above me:

“I am alive; God dwells within me. Praise the Lord, oh my soul. Lord, I’m still confused and hurt about so many things, but I trust you that you’re in control. I will continue to ask you why things happen. Thank you for walking alongside me and never abandoning me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for allowing my brothers and sisters to be the hands and feet of your love for me. Thank you for showing me how you can beautifully fix something broken. Thank you for giving me signs to remind me where to go. I can do all things when you give me the strength to do them. You are my reason for living.”

In the light of day, I could now see the path that lay ahead of me. As I paused to turn back to look at the spot where I had just been slow dancing with Jesus, I turned back to take my first step on this path, while I Am Loved began to play.

I Am Loved - Mack Brock

Just as I am

You welcome me

With open arms

How can this be

My guilt is undone

My past is untethered

I leave it behind

And run to my Father

There is no disappointment in Your eyes

There is no shame there is only pride

I am loved

Father, I'm loved by You

So unreserved

Your heart for me

My fear is gone

I am set free

There's nothing to hide

There's nothing to measure

'Cause I am Your child

And that's all that matters

There is no disappointment in Your eyes

There is no shame there is only pride

I am loved

Father, I'm loved by You

There is no distance in Your embrace

Over and over again You say

I am loved

Father, I'm loved by You

I am loved

Father, I'm loved by You

You are changing everything

I believe it

I receive it

You are changing everything

I believe it

I receive it

You are changing everything

I believe it

I receive it

You are changing everything

I believe it

I receive it

You are changing everything

Oh, You are

There is no disappointment in Your eyes

There is no shame there is only pride

I am loved

Father, I'm loved by You

There is no distance in Your embrace

Over and over again You say

I am loved

Father, I'm loved by You

I am loved

Father, I'm loved by You

I am loved

Father, I'm loved by You

I'm loved by You

I am loved, I am loved, I am loved

I am loved by You

I am loved, I am loved, I am loved

I am loved, I am loved by You

I am loved, I am loved, I am loved

I am loved, I am loved by You

I am loved, I am loved, I am loved

I'm loved by You

I am loved by You

#voicefulbee #sideb #faithfullylgbt #unchangedlgbtq #lgbtchristian #lgbtqchristian #bichristian #lgbtqinchrist #Christian #bisexual #pansexual #demisexual #slowdance #Jesus #ComingOut

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amwritingmeta · 5 years ago

Text

14x14: Dean and Cas and Questioning the Status Quo

Note: I found this in drafts and I believe I chopped it into smaller pieces, but I thought I’d post the whole long thing because it actually ties back to the lack of communication currently happening in S15 and the need to shake up the status quo. By, you know, someone actually speaking words. And the other, you know, actually listening. :)

Let’s take a closer look at this, because it warrants a closer look, or so I’d like to argue: these two idiots are (and Sam too but Dean and Cas more prominently so in this ep) locked in a status quo that is informed by Dean’s inability to stop believing that what he wants is something he can’t have.

Know what I mean?

Now, I think the dance around this fact in 14x14 is quite elegant, way I see it, and though what exactly the gorgon represents is up for interpretation, the simple facts are:

Noah the gorgon in and of himself is a snake symbol, and per the ouroboros of the title, the snake symbolism in 14x14 might be leaning towards renewal, rebirth and a conjoining of opposites rather than, you know, the snake that brought knowledge to mankind and helped us rebel........ Yeah, kinda good either way you look at it, no?

Noah also Biblically brought the flood, which is a mighty symbol of rebirth, so he’s this double-edged sword where both edges spell renewal

Noah looks at you, assesses you and sees the truth of you, established with the truck driver, his note to Dean and with Jack - a bit of a narrative tie to Michael in 14x01, who blasted onto the scene reading the truth of people’s motivations left and right, and subtle foreshadowing of how Michael will shed Dean and go looking for a new skin *shudder’

Noah enjoys both men and women (yes indeed bisexual symbol and nope I am not the first to point this out of course)

That’s the basic makeup of Noah’s demi-god character, yeah?

Now a bit of a look at the interaction we have in the episode between Dean and Cas. (I have a very strong urge to refer to them as nothing but the two idiots for the rest of this post but) (I shall not)

1. Invisible Cas (and Jack)

It’s rather striking. The first image we get of Sam and Dean breaking through that door together, and alone, only for a mirror moment to come barely a minute later of them doing the exact same thing, only now Cas (and yes, Jack) is stepping through the door with them. *goosebumps all over*

What does it mean? Could mean a host of things. To me?

Well, Noah can’t see angels. Right? Fair enough, he can’t see either Cas or Jack so it’s not like Cas is special here, not really, but what does Noah represent? I talked briefly in an ask about whether he’s representative of toxic masculinity and how I don’t think he is.

He’s submitting to his fate, isn’t he? He’d rather not, but for survival’s sake, he doesn’t really have a choice. He’s performing ritualistic killings because that’s what’s expected of him. He’s not taking any real pleasure from it. Not very toxic, especially when compared to Michael the Dick Archangel, who breaks his promise to Rowena and slaughters the innocent’s of the bunker without mercy.

I would say Noah is more likely to be representative of suppression/repression, predominantly suppression in Dean, because oh, man, is Dean tying himself in very knowing knots this episode, and predominantly repression in Cas and Jack, which is why it makes enormous sense to me that he cannot see them.

You see, where Dean is completely aware of his emotions and is actively and consciously suppressing them - which is so fucking unhealthy - Cas and Jack are both shown, throughout the episode, to be unaware of how deeply their unconscious repression runs. I’ll talk about Jack in a separate post, but oh god. It’s lovely.

Sidenote

Suppression is a psychological term for when we consciously push down unwanted thoughts or urges. Used healthily this is where self-control lies, but when an unwanted emotion or urge is ignored out of fear, this suppression tactic can turn into a pattern of behaviour that may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like drinking, casual sex, violent outbursts, addiction to danger etc) *side eye Dean Winchester* and irrational behaviour and lack of self-control due to lack of self-awareness.

Repression is a psychological term for when we push down unwanted thoughts, urges or very often memories into our unconscious, where our conscious mind is protected from having to deal with these particulars, because our conscious mind is kept wholly unaware that these particulars are a part of us. However, these repressed thoughts, urges or memories will push to be recognised, because anything we try to simply forget, that is deeply affecting, will never stay forgotten, and being unable to confront these buried thoughts, urges or memories may result in unhealthy outlets, such as the coping mechanisms and irrational behaviour mentioned above.

(long af)

2. Almost Liturgical

This scene is so incredibly wonderful for setting up Dean and Cas’ attitudes for the rest of the episode. Cas is observant and supportive and quietly brazen in making Dean be honest with him, and Dean can’t resist opening up, not when Cas asks him to. Prompts him to, even.

There’s so much softness from Dean here, and I’d say Cas sees it, and still doesn’t see it at all. Dean’s been looking at him with heart eyes for so long without it meaning that anything between them is developing or, I don’t know, renewing, that Cas just takes that softness and those heart eyes at face value.

There are subtle shifts throughout this scene between them, but the biggest one, to my mind, comes once Jack is back at the table and tells them he’s fine, because Dean then tries to swipe his opening up to Cas, as well as the severity of his reminding Cas of Plan B, aside by being flippant and adding this smile:

Which basically gets him a stern look from Cas -->

--> because no, Dean, Cas isn’t fine with everyone being fine. You can’t just make him be fine with Plan B, because Plan B is anything but fine.

And Dean looks contrite enough -->

--> and, I would say, realising exactly how open he just left himself to Cas’ scrutiny. Feeling exposed and vulnerable and a little raw and this isn’t helped by Cas putting himself in a position of having the upper hand by using a word that’s not in Dean’s vocabulary, because whenever Cas gets the upper hand it serves to remind Dean of?

Yes, that Cas isn’t his to make heart eyes at.

Because?

He believes, to his core, that what he wants, he can’t have.

I’d like to shake him. And shake him hard. Because even when Cas, over and over, through his actions and reactions, tell Dean exactly what he’s feeling, Dean still doesn’t see.

And so he goes from the soft expression and full on openness with Cas...

...to that ^^^ detached and Got Work To Do expression.

*shake shake bloody shake*

Now, of course, the fact that he’s being open and making heart eyes and feeling all sorts of things that are scary as all fuck to him and always have been - the scariest thing of all is love, right? - makes him go to great and unnecessary lengths to cover those feelings up to anyone who might be watching him.

And to suppress them to himself.

Stop wanting, essentially. Letting that hope flare that Cas could love him back only leads to pain and pain and pain, because in his low self-worth idled brain, his thoughts are stuck running along the same lines that they’ve always been running along, saying the same thing they’ve always said: why would an angel rescue him from hell?

Which translates to: why would he ever deserve Cas’ love?

In his head, he doesn’t deserve good things.

And he’s perpetuating this conviction out of fear, rooted in losing his family at four years old, a loss that has cemented the belief of how Good Things Don’t Last, and this cementation has occurred in Dean out of sheer ego self-preservation, and Michael now is the ultimate proof of that. Michael in his head. Because Dean said yes. So -->

3. Overcompensation

This is Dean’s default reaction to Cas being in an obviously superior position, no matter how small that superiority might be. In 14x14 it’s something as simple as Cas having a deeper vocabulary and Dean being in the sudden situation where this is revealed to Jack, who couldn’t give less of a fuck, but since Dean just spent five minutes laying his soul bare to Cas, this moment is like a slap back to reality for Dean.

And what does he do?

He does what he always does. He tries to put himself in the superior position, because, truthfully, he knows he never really can be superior to Cas, because, um, angel. Yeah. Can’t really bypass that fact.

This ^^^ is all about Dean desperately trying to cover, trying to act like Cas knowing things beyond what Dean knows makes him, somehow, inferior.

Look, Dean’s habit of pulling Cas down to Earth is never malicious in intent, but all to do with Dean’s insecurities and, in many scenarios, also directly linked to his falling in love and not believing, ever, for a second, that Cas the angel - as an angel - could or would or should love him back.

The angle in 14x14, where he makes light of Cas’ superior vocabulary by putting him in with the brainy kids in AV Club - and look at how it sets up for Dean with his next breath trying to impress with his knowledge of Medusa, that turns out to be based in a movie that’s exaggerated the myth for entertainment purposes, which leaves very little of his knowledge to feel as impressive as Cas’ observations regarding the gorgon - the AV Club reference aids in Dean’s suppression of his emotions.

All the while this utter verbal denial of what it is that he truly loves about Cas serves to underline to us how he really feels deep down, and knows he feels deep down, which is why he’s scrambling to cover it up, terrified the truth is written all over his face, the way it is whenever he looks softly, softly at Cas and dares to open himself up to everything Cas means to him.

So instead, in dialogue, he goes:

-- Oh, look at the baby in the trench coat. Not so powerful now. -- Oh, look at the weird, dorky little guy. He’s not a commander. -- Oh, look at the nerdy dude who knows words. He is so not my type.

Yeah, okay, sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Cas is like The fuck? -->

*darling Cas*

Now, when it comes to not seeing, we are presented with a baddie who eats the eyes of his victim to glimpse the future. Obviously he doesn’t snack on anyone’s eyes out of TFW 2.0, but he does carry a bit of the whole other side to him, where he can read people’s fate, with him in how he interacts with them, doesn’t he? It’s like he reads Jack’s palm, once he has him in front of him. And Dean and Cas?

Well, not the first one to point out that they’re both flat on their backs on the floor by the end of their encounter with the flood.

I mean, their encounter with Noah.

Who is actually the saviour away from the flood. Almost like their interaction with him constitutes the way out of drowning, for both of them. Funny that. But I’m skipping ahead.

First -->

4. Regards, Noah

Dean,

I see you standing alone by the truck stop reading this. I see you and the tall man and the red headed witch chasing me. I will always see you. Stop, or I will make you stop.

Regards, Noah

I’ll get back to this.

5. He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter

So, we arrive at the confrontation, which opens with the statement Noah makes of how he’s a lover, not a fighter. Interesting, isn’t it? Because this is truly the core trait of the entire TFW 2.0 --> innately they are not killers, they are protectors; they are not weapons, they are shields.

In the confrontation scene we also get a previously invisible and now not at all invisible Cas focusing on giving the antidote to the victim, while Jack keeps Noah distracted by listening to the fable.

Cas is mildly on guard about the whole thing and finally comes right out and questions Noah’s motives for telling the story to Jack. When Noah gives voice to what could be read as Cas’ own worries concerning Jack burning off his soul, Cas attacks, because he doesn’t want to even think about the implications of what Noah is seeing, or unable to properly make out, in Jack -->

--> in this context, Noah as a manifestation of Cas’ suppressed fears about Jack’s choices.

Cas being in denial of how serious Jack’s situation is, is given to us in the El Saboros, because we see Jack alone healing himself, burning off his soul, and returning to the table with a ready lie of how he’s fine. Cas might not be convinced, but he’s also unaware of how Jack is still coughing up blood, and if he wasn’t suppressing his constant worry, arguably writing it off as him being overprotective, he’d most likely take actual action in order to stop Jack from walking down the dangerous path he’s stubbornly treading.

(rather than the righteous path) (*clears throat*)

Back with the confrontation, where Noah very easily disarms Cas (demi-god that Noah is and all), slaps Cas twice, once across each cheek, and then kisses one of those cheeks, effectively paralysing Cas with gorgon poison.

Cas goes rigid and falls to the floor, unable to move, but the antidote doesn’t work on Cas.

Why does the poison have the same effect on him as on a human, but the antidote doesn’t? Why does it take Jack sacrificing a piece of his humanity in order to tap into his angelic powers for Cas to be released from the poison?

Mh-hmh, let’s look at Dean before we try and answer, shall we?

Dean bursts in and Noah very easily disarms him (Noah can fight y’all) and knocks Dean’s head once, twice against the wall, rendering Dean unconscious.

Let’s glance back for a moment at how we got to here:

Throughout S13 Dean was confronted with toxic masculinity representatives leading right into him saying yes to having the most outstanding toxic masculinity representative literally possess him by the end of the season. S13 was all about making Dean aware of how toxic the ideal he’s modelled himself after for so long truly is, and he did begin to move away from it, this in order to be equipped to recognise Michael’s true colours, once he had to grant them absolute access.

S14 has been very much about confronting the past and all those suppressed/repressed fears and hangups being pushed to the surface. This while TFW 2.0 have all been asked - in not so many words - to find the answer to the question of What Do I Want?

Dean’s reply to this question in 14x12 is so far from what the narrative is continuously angling for it to be, that only two episodes later that answer is not only nullified, but brings on a possible narrative punishment, because odds are that Jack, through self-sacrifice, is opening himself up to a world of hurt, and if Dean’s answer to the question of What Do I Want? had been different, if he’d reached that point in his individuation process where he could be honest with himself, then the outcome would have been different too.

But he hasn’t reached that point, and so the outcome is what we’re given in 14x14. So, what’s Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want?

Plan B.

You see, Dean doesn’t believe that they’ll find another way to beat Michael, not really. Dean is humouring the people he loves, but he’s expecting them to be the ones to do all the emotional work and let him go, rather than him doing the necessary emotional work and confronting his fears, collected in the manifestation of his shadow-self: Michael.

Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want? is to symbolically put himself into the box of societal norms that has dictated his relationship with his shadow-self for his entire life, and drown his ego, his consciousness, with the cycle of unhealthy suppression/repression that the darker side to his shadow-self is responsible for maintaining. (Dean’s suppressed longing for more, for a long and happy life; and his repressed childhood neglect)

Why? Because his fears run so deep that he doesn’t know how to confront them without annihilating his identity. To get to his true identity, though, he must confront these fears and understand the truth: that his fears are nothing but a construct, and that he can choose for them to no longer hold any merit.

6. Shake Shake Shake

Now, diving back into 14x14, where Dean and Cas are both flat on their back thanks to Noah.

So, let’s pull on the symbolical threads I set up at the start of this post. Threads that are very much tied to the Jungian doctrine of individuation, which I first wrote about here and have been reading up on since. (seriously it makes for deeply satisfying study) (Carl Jung was a great man)

Cas

When it comes to his worry for Jack, Cas deals in suppression, but when it comes to answering the question What Do I Want? Cas deals wholly in repression. He is not being honest with himself, and it’s given to us in his exchange later on with Jack, where he talks about humans as burning bright, unlike "things like us”.

Yes, an unspecified thing is what he identifies himself with.

He doesn’t identify himself as an angel, which, to my mind, is important, but for him to also step as far away as he can from humanity is equally pertinent because, well, this meta writer does believe that he needs to admit to himself what it is he truly wants for himself before he’ll be able to properly begin the final leg of his journey towards internal balance.

Noah’s note underlines how he sees Dean, but Noah couldn’t see Cas, and to me this is all because Noah is much more narratively tied to Dean, while serving - as representative of suppression/repression - to narratively highlight these habits in all of TFW 2.0, but there’s another layer to it, where Noah is tied to Cas’ repressed true identity, meaning Cas is blind to his own repression.

(and Jack is blind to his own internal conflict, given to us in dialogue when he yells at Michael - childishly - that he’s not a child) (because Jack still is a kid)

Looking at the setup of Noah not being able to see Cas and Jack, it could be argued that he can’t see them, that he’s cut off from them, because they’re unaware of him, and so he’s unaware of them.

Awareness is key to confrontation. So, to me, it’s delicious that it’s Cas and Jack who grow aware of Noah and go to confront him, allowing him to see them, because it’s the ego’s awareness that allows for any internal imbalance to be confronted and worked through.

Moreover, Cas’ continued unawareness - his inability to recognise what it is he’s actually doing - of his own repression is what is keeping Cas complacent.

It’s keeping Cas accepting the status quo.

It’s keeping Cas paralysed in his own skin.

See what I’m getting at? Cas’ confrontation with Noah is brief, very, very brief, and Cas is disarmed very, very quickly and receives the kiss that paralyses him after being slapped, like a proverbial wakeup call, on either cheek, by the representative of his repression.

And, look it, when it comes to the question of why the antidote doesn’t work on him: if Cas had been human, it would’ve.

But Cas - being an angel - needs Jack to help him, needs Jack to burn off a piece of his soul in order to get the poison out, needs Jack to unlock his limbs and get him out of the paralysis.

Jack, who in 14x08, was shown to be such an incredibly important tool for Cas’ individuation, since Jack is the one who symbolically (and literally) woke him, making Cas aware of his shadow-self.

And where Dean is unable to face his shadow-self due to his low self-worth making him fear what it will mean for his ego, aka his self-view and understanding of who he is if he were to confront his deepest fears, Cas’ low self-worth is equally exposed through his acceptance of the shadow-self’s threat to come and take him in his happiest moment. Cas doesn’t believe he deserves more, so for his happiest moment to be a point of punishment makes perfect sense to him, and this makes it incredibly difficult for him to break out of his complacency.

Better the status quo than the Empty.

Better a useful thing than daring to consider what would actually make him happy by truthfully answering the questions of Who am I? and Who do I want to be? and going for it.

*shake shake bloody shake*

The poisonous kiss from his repression, and Cas’ inability to get himself out of a state of paralysis without Jack’s help, doesn’t necessarily set up for what’s to come, but to me it does underline what is: as an angel Cas is stuck in a place where, as a human, he wouldn’t need help getting out of.

And this place that he’s stuck in takes a toll on the one person he’s tried, for seasons now, to protect - Jack - and this moment is entirely reflective of - and of course helps set up for - Jack’s choice to step into this exact same position for Dean, when he kills Michael.

Dean

Oh, Dean.

Old patterns are a bitch.

Actually, old patterns are turning into his greatest enemy, which gets me all kinds of squeakily excited for him. The lessons he’s been set out to learn for many, many moons now, are, at this point, hitting him so hard over the head they’re knocking him out against a wall.

Dean was fighting his toxic masculinity in S13. Growing aware of the ideal and moving away from it so that he can see Toxic Masculinity Michael for what he truly is, but because of patterns that have informed Dean’s sense of identity ever since he was a child, modelling himself on John and his mode of Feelings are Weaknesses that Will Get You and Your Brother Killed, Dean can’t bring himself to believe that there’s a way out of this confrontation with his shadow-self without killing the ego. Meaning without killing his conscious idea of himself. And because of the fear this brings of losing his sense of self completely, his incapable of believing there’s a way of beating Michael.

Even when Dean is sitting in front of the key to his own faith in the future, and yes, indeed the key to Dean’s faith in the future has always been Cas, and Cas is basically telling Dean that there’s no way Cas is ever giving up on him, and that they’ll find another way, Dean still can’t submit to his own need to believe, because his love of Cas is tethered to just as much fear as anything else, and confronting that fear, his fear of love and having hope for the future and believing that Cas does or could love him back, brings on just as much of an identity crisis as the thought of confronting his shadow-self.

And it’s all connected, of course. Because Dean’s internal fears don’t exist in a vacuum. But if he dared lean on his love for Cas and the faith and trust it’s always brought him, then he’d find the strength to confront his shadow-self and question all the lies it keeps filling his head with when it comes to perpetuating his low self-worth. Likewise, if he dared push past his identity crisis and begin to question the lies of his shadow-self that keeps his self-worth low, he would begin to feel the faith and trust Cas instils in him, and he’d start to believe in the love that Cas is continuously showing him.

But Dean can’t.

Dean is stuck in the belief that lingering in the status quo, and keeping to what he knows, is preferable, because there’s this huge thing in the way for Dean to be able to do anything else.

And holy fuck it’s formidable how this is now set up. (if I’m right in this reading)

The huge thing in the way for Dean to dare open himself up to his true identity is his inability to let go of old patterns, and 14x14 makes it explicit to me that this inability is rooted entirely in his neglected inner child.

So what truly needs nurturing and attention and for Dean to grow aware of exactly how much he’s been neglecting it, is Dean’s inner child. An inner child that he’s been ignoring through his repression of his yearning for love. This yearning has been present in him since childhood and he’s repressed it by adopting the adage that feelings are weaknesses, and adopting this very harsh take on love in order to protect himself from a father incapable of providing the affection every child needs to feel truly safe and protected.

Moreover, Dean has been putting up walls to keep out the memory of the horror of his mother’s death and the guilt that’s haunted him and the mistrust it’s produced in him of anything good ever truly lasting for very long, and this, all this, is why he, in 14x14, teases Cas and tries to cover up how he’s really feeling and it gets him his head smashed into a wall by the representative of all of the above fears collected into his lifelong habit of suppression and repression of his true identity.

Noah sees Dean.

Noah will always see Dean.

And the narrative punishes Dean’s inability to break old patterns by having those old patterns knock him out cold, because clearly something needs to happen to shake up the status quo.

Because the representative of Dean’s neglected inner child is...?

Jack.

And so Dean’s inability to do the shadow work needed, or to fully trust in those he loves, brings about the necessity for the representative of his inner child to step up to the plate and take matters into hand by expelling the manifestation of Dean’s shadow-self, while taking part of it into itself.

Yeah, I know right?

To my mind, Jack swallowing Michael’s grace is set to lead to not very good things.

Well, ultimately it will, I believe, but, oh, there may be quite a bit of glorious turbulence ahead. Or, at least, a huge push for Dean to face his internal imbalance and find a way to start all the emotional work needed if he’s to take full responsibility and stop running.

7. Off With Their Heads

This image is so powerful, because it serves so many possible purposes and can be interpreted in so many different ways, but here’s what I see:

A foreshadowing of the snake in Dean’s head (Michael) shedding his skin

An underlining for what Michael shedding Dean truly stands for: the first step toward internal rebirth/renewal for Dean

A plant for Jack picking up Felix and claiming him for a pet, which is deeply symbolic when looking at what Jack represents in the narrative, and what Jack himself needs for his own progression

But first, we get Sam also thrown across the room, very, very easily, by Noah the suppression/repression representative, because of course, Sam’s got his own shit to work through. Like his inability to take a moment for himself. His codependent behaviour runs so deep that he has no idea who he is unless he has people to look out for. And, good Lord, all the people under his protection getting killed by Michael after Sam insisted they bring Dean back. The internal conflict must be tearing Sam apart. *hands clutched to mouth* It’s not your fault, Sam!!

Once Sam hits the floor without getting knocked out (feels possibly significant here because Sam leading the way in letting go of the dependency and pushing himself into adulthood feels so important for Dean to finally allow himself to do the same) (but we shall see about that) we get Jack cutting off Noah’s head.

And looking at the fact of how Jack is the one to place his hands on either side of Rowena’s head, driving Michael out of her, you might say he cuts the head off both snakes in this narrative, right?

But, as I wrote here, he also swallows one of those snakes down, taking its essence into himself, while keeping a little piece of Noah in a glass box in his room, and so it can be said that he, symbolically, is tied to both symbols (suppression/repression/shadow-self) and is the last snake standing.

So. Turbulence.

Because Jack is no snake.

Jack has felt like a powerful symbol of internal balance for all of TFW and so for this symbol to now be in such absolute imbalance is quite possibly heralding Jack’s own dark arc, which could prove a necessary push out of the status quo that Dean and Cas and Sam are all in.

Something to shake shake bloody shake them awake already.

Please. And thank you. :)

8. Access Denied

Cas has tried, on more than one occasion on the ride back to the bunker, to heal Dean, but he can’t. He can’t even see what’s going on inside Dean’s head.

*slow eyebrow raise*

Dean’s repression knocks him out -->

leading to Dean’s shadow-self no longer staying suppressed

leading to Dean’s inner child confronting the shadow-self with a declaration of how its not a child

Dean’s inner child swallowing the essence of Dean’s shadow-self down and declaring that it’s now itself again, restored to its former glory through taking into itself the toxic masculinity representative that’s the source of Dean’s repressed longing for love and his neglecting of his inner child in the first place

Oof.

Cas suddenly has no access to Dean because Dean’s repression runs too deep, and faith can’t reach where it’s not welcome, where it’s constantly shut down and mistrusted, and neither can love.

Especially not a faith or a love that doesn’t actually believe it belongs there.

The fucking status quo acting like the barrier it’s always been between these men, the barrier sitting like an enormous obstacle in front of open communication and honesty with each other, but foremost with themselves.

*so frustratingly amazing*

#spn meta #spn 14x14 #deancas #destiel #tfw 2.0 #dean #cas #sam #jack #noah #repression suppression #open communication #character progression

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lettersforyoulettersforme · 5 years ago

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March 25, 2020

I had a great therapy session yesterday. By “great,” I mean that it was very revealing and it’s always nice to have opening realizations. Even if they’re painful. Kind of like knowledge is power. And recognizing that I had this knowledge inside the entire time, it just took the gentle guidance of another to help me say it out loud.

We were talking about my parents and how they constantly disappoint me with their reactions to things I tell them. To use Stephanie’s words “your parents have missed the mark on a lot of big moments.” And they really fucking have. I think of all the times they failed me, they let me know, made me feel shitty, dropped the ball, didn’t give me what I deserved.

This all stemmed from two weeks ago when Stephanie said “I can tell that you’re suffering. You are suffering” and I keep thinking about that. And this idea of suffering and how I don’t really identify with that term. But why? Well, mainly because my parents (among others!) have always told me “You aren’t for want” and “you’re so lucky” and “you have things that no one else has, you have everything you could ever ask for.” And I’m not debating that. But what Stephanie so kindly pointed out is that while my parents have given me every physical luxury I could have asked for and beyond, they have been emotionally neglectful. I haven’t felt heard, seen, listened to, validated, acknowledged, accepted, welcomed with open arms, things that are so vital to connect and love and family. I won’t say that I just didn’t have them, but it was rare for me to get them. So much so that it felt like I had to do something to deserve them, as if they weren’t just a part of being in the same family.

So there’s suffering in that way. And when I talk to Stephanie, I am my most vulnerable self, I acknowledge my deflections and my defense mechanisms (turns out humor is a big one for me. and while I do find it deeply ironic and dark that Dennis doesn’t know me, can’t help me, is incapable of listening and absorbing what I’m saying... there is some grief there.)

Grief. For not having a Dad who I respect or look up to. For having a mother who has a hard time speaking for herself or standing up for herself or seeing how terrible this Administration is. For being a product of her limited and close minded environment. I’m grieving over Dennis’ inability to see me, to love me in a real way. In a way that means something to me. I know that he thinks that he did a great job- I know that he doesn’t think he’s made major mistakes or if he does acknowledge those, there’s no dwelling in that. He doesn’t seem to comprehend how his action (and his inaction) have deeply wounded Charlotte and I. And Sally too. There’s a lot of accommodating of Dennis, and it’s just the nature of the family system. It sucks because I’ve had substantial distance from it since age 14, so I can see it in a way that my Mom can’t. And there’s grief that I leave her behind. I spent years trying to get her away, to save and protect her from Dennis. But she didn’t want to be saved. And now she’ll spend the rest of her life caring for him, never knowing how else to be loved, not having what she deserves.

Which is tough because Dennis showed me for years that I didn’t deserve more than a steak dinner, than conversations around politics and achievements, that I could only share my successes with him, that I wasn’t allowed to fail, to be emotional, to be scared or vulnerable. Even now, he has a hard time letting me make my own choices without commenting on them. No, Dad, I don’t want your opinion about wine, I’ve been picking out my own wine for years and I’ve done just fine. Stop mansplaining sulfuric wine palettes to me, I already know all the fuck about it.

I told Stephanie about the time my Dad took me and Kevin out to dinner. This steak house. And how Dennis and Kevin got along SO well, eerily well, two peas in a pod. I remember going to the bathroom, calling Hayley and saying “it’s going amazingly. I don’t even need to be here.”

And months later, at my senior recital, my Dad asking “Where is Kevin? I like Kevin.” Never realizing how terrible he was. Never seeing that himself at dinner or months later. After me telling him. I felt then and I feel now that Dennis chose Kevin. I want to feel chosen, seen, loved. And as Stephanie said “It sounds like you want your Dad to protect you... and he didn’t”

And he didn’t. And he current does not. And probably never will on any or on a consistent basis. There’s grief and heartbreak in that. Both for myself, my mom and for his own toxic masculinity! I have empathy for how he never got enough attention growing up (apparently?) and how he needs to compensate for that now. I have empathy for the potential personality disorder he has (narcissism, anyone?).

It’s just this giant irony because I will have empathy and understanding for him. But he genuinely will never have it for me. The inequities and lack of reciprocation continue forever, people. And I think that’s just a shame.

We ended session with Stephanie asking if we could use next session to me sad, for me to stop trying to fix the situation and sum things up around this situation, if I could allow myself and this situation to remain open ended, unresolved.

I can try.

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littlemisskookie · 6 years ago

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The Story of Us

The Story of Us Ship: Hoseok | Reader Description: The story of your relationship with Jung Hoseok. Warning: Fluff, Angst, Slight Mentions of Fluff, Cracky Humor Word Count: 6,231

Day 1

I met a boy today.

Yesterday, to be more precise. Exactly 5 hours and 48 minutes from ago, from the moment that I'm writing down these words.

I've never really started a journal before- well, more accurately, I've never finished one. I've attempted and started various times, but I'd eventually lose interest or be too busy and never get back to it. Therefore, one of my many New Year Revolutions that no one actually intends to keep, was to start a diary again- and to finish.

Saying diary sounds so girly and feminine- makes me want to cringe. But what's wrong with feminine things? I like feminine things occasionally. Maybe the social justice warrior in me simply believes that this world's gotten to toxic on its synonymous meanings behind masculinity and strength.

I know it seems as though I'm rambling, but this exact topic is what brought me to the boy I've met.

His name is Jung Hoseok.

The name looks so pretty as I write it down. It's also so pretty, the way it rolls off my tongue. Sort of like those movie stars or singers with names that just sound like they were destined to be famous.

Believe it or not, Hoseok's face is even prettier than his name. I was half-wasted at someone's New Year's Eve party- I can't even remember who's it was already, can you believe that?- feeling mopey at the thought of having to down another shot instead of having a New Year's kiss like the fellow drunks around me. I just didn't want to randomly sexually assault some guy, grabbing him by the collar and smashing his face against mine out of self-pity. No, men deserve the same respect we should expect. Therefore I'm not going to shove my tongue down someone's throat like a sleazy frat douche.

So continuing along, I've got warm beer on the collar of my shirt due to my utter lack of coordination, and I turn and bump into a man. If he were across the room, I wouldn't have noticed him, probably because my vision's very hazy with this much booze, and he'd look similar to the pad of my thumb. Up close though... Writing can't do him justice.

But that smile. God, I think I melted. I don't believe in love at first sight, mind you- just infatuation and/or lust. I'll clarify, however, that my legs went to utter mush when I saw him. He seemed as radiant as the sun, warming the room despite it being a freezing winter day.

And I was the idiot who literally fell for him. See what I did there? Not figuratively of course- God, it's too soon for that. I'm not going to start naming our kids or some bullshit like that. (Astrid if it's a girl, Lucas if it's a boy.)

I'm sure he was just thinking, "Wow, look at this hot mess. I pity whoever's floor she's passing out on."

Or maybe that's just what he wanted to say.

Instead, like the true gentleman, I'm sure he was pretending to be, he rights me up and holds me firmly to make sure I don't make another klutzy accident. "Woah, are you alright? It seems like you've had too much to drink."

Let me tell you, his hands were so firm, with veins along the top, and his jawline was so sharp, and his cologne- oh dear God, he smelt nothing like the sixth grade boys who poured an entire bottle over their head in the locker room- he knew how to actually put on cologne! I wanted nothing more than to fall again and have another 'accident' by slipping right on his penis.

Of course, I didn't actually say that- he'd probably think I was psycho. Instead, I said, "Oops," and blushed profusely. "I suppose you're right."

As soon as he was sure I could stand on my own he looked deeply into my eyes and said- "Wow, your pupils are super dilated. I should get you some water to help you sober up."

Romantic right? Like the polite way of saying, "Holy crap, you look like a hot piling piece of shit right now! What a mess, I'm going to take pity on you so that you don't end up getting kidnapped while wandering through the streets." That would be a way to start off the year.

I simply nodded along dumbly as he told me to wait right where I was, and true enough, within a few seconds he's back with a bottle of water- unopened- and hands it to me. I thank him for it, and as I unscrew the cap- a very tight cap, mind you, that's how I know it's unopened. I'm terrible at opening unopened caps- someone bumps into me.

I should probably mention at this moment that I had decided to wear a white turtleneck to this New Year's Eve party. While I'd normally dress like a proud 50-year-old mom reliving her bimbo days as she's drunk at some retirement home party, where she works part-time, I instead chose to go the more practical route and dress warmly. Otherwise, my nipples would get so hard they'd burst from my shirt and say, "Hello, world!"

Of course, I'm sure you know that white clothing + water is never a good thing. Especially if you're wearing a black bra underneath said clothing. Therefore Hoseok quickly froze up, ushered me outside onto the balcony so we could be away from the crowd- and somehow, I'm too drunk to remember- got this big ass parka and draped it over me. Of course, being partially soaked and in the freezing cold in winter, isn't exactly the best case scenario. However, I didn't want to be that asshole who was like, "Thanks for the help, but you really made things worse." That, and I was looking to get wet somewhere else because of this guy if you catch my drift.

"Thank you," I say, bundling up. I know the parka is his because it smells like his cologne. I want to bury myself in it like the obsessive hermit I am.

Hoseok just smiles at me and shrugs, as if it's no big deal, which it totally isn't. "No problem, glad to help. You kind of seemed out of it."

"What's your name?" I questioned, unaware that I was about to be more blessed than the Holy Trinity itself once he dropped it.

"Hoseok. Jung Hoseok. And you?"

"Y/N."

His cheeks were so rosy from the cold outside- and probably because I also took his fucking parka- but I'm going to fantasize it was because of me instead. "Y/N," he said. "I like it."

It's a brief moment, and silence hangs between us. You know when you meet someone for the first time, and you don't know what to talk about, because you don't know anything you have in common yet? It was like that. I was just itching to find something to say, but when you're buzzed, it's sort of hard to figure out the right words or questions. I'm usually much better at these sort of things- just ask the middle school friends I used to have- I was a fucking wiz at truth or dare.

We hear shouting from inside, and the moment is over. 10!...9!...8!...7!...6!...

Hoseok looks to me for a second, and I'm pretty sure he was actually blushing this time. I feel my heart begin to pound a bit faster at the thought that he's going to kiss me, and I feel gleeful! Like a school girl instead of someone who's going to work hungover tomorrow.

"Can I kiss you?"

Yes yes yes!

"Sure." I say it in a way that sounds as though I would've followed it with 'whatever'. I'm surprised I kept my chill, seeing that in my head I was bouncing on the balls of my feet.

5!...4!...3!...

He leans in, and I can smell the cologne much stronger now, as though he applied it just below his ears, where his jawline curved upward.

2!...

Was this it? Was I going to get a New Year's kiss? I should've asked if he had herpes first.

1!...

He gives me a peck on the cheek. it's warm, and it makes me feel warm despite the bitter air stinging my cheeks, but it's warm nonetheless. Honestly, I prefer the fact he kissed my cheek instead of kissing me on the lips. Sure, I was slightly disappointed at the time, but now that I write this before heading to work, with a mild migraine and a sober mind, I'll tell you why the cheek was better.

He knew I was drunk, and if he were to kiss me or do anything further, it would've been taking advantage of my state. Secondly, a kiss to the cheek is harmless. It's cute, it's innocent, it's... sweet. I feel somewhat guilty for wanting to jump his bones at that moment, but it was the sweetest thing! Adorable, truly.

The moment is ingrained in my head, but the minute the clock struck twelve, everything else seemed to speed up. Before I knew it, I was writing in way-too-big-handwriting along his forearm, in sharpie, my number. He called me an Uber, and then I wake up in bed with a pounding headache and a message in my phone of a 'Hey' and a smiley face, with a little ramble about how he met me at the party and who he was. As if I could forget! (Scratch that, I could totally forget, drunk me is stupid enough.)

I've got to get to work, but something about this guy makes me feel elated.

Day 7

Mr. Jung Hoseok and I just went on a date.

A. Date.

Let me clarify if you didn't get that right.

Date.

Got it? Good.

We've been texting for a week and such, and he's so much sweeter and funnier through texts. He likes my sense of humor- despite how raunchy and weird I am, though it wasn't what he initially expected- and he's a lot more outgoing than I expected. He's louder than I thought- even through the phone when we called. My friends think I'm going fast since I called him, but I think it's silly. We haven't even kissed yet, who cares?

Oh, yes, the date! I should explain that.

So we decide to meet at this ice rink at the zoo. Every year they open one up right next to the ostriches- y'know, those big weird birds that vaguely resemble feet and look like they want to kill you? Those. Hoseok totally agreed on my sentiment about that- he said he was scared of ostriches when he was a kid. I said me too! (Total lie, I grabbed a pigeon once, not a good day for 6-year-old me.)

I wait for him in the middle of the ice rink, on my skates, and I see him slowly skating towards me. I look like the living embodiment of the marshmallow man- is that what he's called? That big giant statue thing with the donut that comes to life in Ghostbusters? Whatever, then the tire man they use for those tire commercials, you know the one. He looks like he could model for Abercrombie and Fitch. I was slightly scared that my drunken state had overglorified his in-person glory, but low and behold, he does not look remotely like a thumb! He looks like a fucking god!

And he asked me on a date!

So naturally, my first thought is, "Wow, what an idiot. Someone call Ursala because we've got a poor unfortunate soul over here."

My second thought is, "Wow, where did he get those earmuffs? I want some of those." (His grandma knitted them.)

My third thought was, "Holy shit, I'm falling!"

Sure enough, my butt landed so hard on the ice that I was sure it was going to crack, and all the little kids skating around us would be sunk into the depths of the ice rink. That or my ass would get frostbite. Instead, Hoseok laughed his ass off and reluctantly helped me up whilst wiping the tears off of his face so they wouldn't freeze like icicles.

Other than that blunder, which I can laugh about now, it went great. Our hands made us feel like we were both toddlers with thick fingers that resemble those cartoony ones, plump and fat with the mittens or gloves we wore, clasped around the other's as we skated along. Well, I was attempting to more or less- I'm not the best skater. He was mediocre, but every time he fell I made sure to jeer a good amount as payback before helping him. up. I enjoyed his company and he even laughed at my crude humor. Picture that, a decent guy actually liking me! I thought I was just a magnet for assholes, but here we are!

I went home with a smile on my face and possible frostbite on my ass, and a guarantee for a second date next weekend.

Day 29

Jung Hoseok finally kissed me.

I had kicked my roommate out so that I could watch a movie with him at my place. We were watching We're the Millers, an American classic in my opinion, with my humor down to the T. Hoseok laughed at it too, and it wasn't even the fake laugh you'd expect when you're forced to watch a movie you don't even enjoy. He snorted. Do you know how hard it is to fake a snort? A genuine snort? Like the one where you sound like a pig? God, he was an adorable pig.

It was the part where the kid made out with both his mother and sister I got to thinking- Hey, why hasn't Hoseok kissed me yet? We weren't official or anything, and there was no rush- hell, we were adults, not horny teenagers. But I figured it would've happened by now.

Maybe he could sense I was getting a little confused when I started breathing on my wrist to see if my breath smelled bad. (I had made sure to chew minty gum before the date, just in case.)

The entire night went by before anything happened, and I admit, I felt a little disappointed that he hadn't kissed me yet. I was walking him out of the building (because I didn't want him to be attacked by rapists or anything) and waving goodbye to him as he walked to his car when suddenly he froze in his tracks. My first thought was that he saw a rapist, but instead, he turns around and marches to me, a determined look in his eye, and he kisses me. He kisses me, and he kisses me, and he kisses me. His hands are on either side of my face as he pulls me in, and I didn't care at that moment that my nipples were probably poking through my shirt, or that my hands were so cold they were numb, I just kissed him right back, with my minty breath and everything.

Needless to say, I'm ecstatic to do it again.

Day 40

I'm officially Jung Hoseok's girlfriend.

We were both laying on the couch, my legs sprawled over his as we watch a movie he likes, a Japanese film named Let Me Eat Your Pancreas. (Stupid title, but I swear it's good.)

Suddenly the question pops up.

"Why haven't you asked about our relationship title?"

Strangely enough, it's not overthinking me who asks this question- it's him. Hoseok who simply goes with whatever I suggest despite my antics.

I simply shrug. "I guess we never got around to discussing it. I mean... I really like you. Do you like me?"

Hoseok laughs hard at that. "Are you kidding? I've liked you since I met you- heads over heels, in fact. I thought I was being obvious."

God, you should've seen the stupid grin plastered over my face. I looked like I had just committed a felony and gotten away with it. The same look my aunt would always wear at family reunions.

"Well, if we both like each other, why don't we date exclusively. Like boyfriend and girlfriend?" I question. "With me playing the part of the boyfriend, of course."

Hoseok snorts at that- that pig laugh again- of course.

"Then it's settled," I grinned.

"So you're officially asking me to be your boyfriend?"

"More like proclaiming, but whatever you want to call it," I shrug.

Hoseok laughs at that, shaking his head as he turns his attention back to the film. "Proclaiming," he murmurs.

Day 65

I can officially say that I've sat, sucked, and held Jung Hoseok's penis.

And by God, is it a blessing. I'm pretty sure his balls are even more symmetrical than most- and I've touched a lot of balls.

That sounded weird.

Alright, let me just get into what happened. We had been waiting a little while for it to come up- not that we had a schedule, but it wasn't the heated spontaneous moment they show in movies. We were in a heated makeout session, like usual, groping and grinding and all of that good stuff. I was grinding as though he were coffee beans.

Well, the gist of it was that he suddenly pulled back and raised his brows, giving me a questioning look. "Do you want to?" he asked quietly.

We had been dating a bit less than a month if you only count when we were official. But it didn't feel as though it were too soon in my opinion. So I simply kissed him again and asked what he was waiting for. Being the good roommate I was, I didn't let jizz get all over the couch, since it can be a bitch to clean up on that sort of material, and instead lead him to my bedroom.

Maybe I should keep it vague and pull a Donna by placing dot dot dot. But seeing how blatant I have been in this journal about my desire to jump his bones since I met him, I think I won't.

He gave good head. Good everything really. I think he liked the part where I slurped his dick like it was a melting popsicle in July the most. He didn't partake in pillow talk after the deed was done, though. The devil's tango, if you will. The horizontal hula dance- sorry, I'm getting off topic. He fell asleep. Maybe he nutted so hard it sent his consciousness to another dimension. So instead I smiled, kissed his nose, went to pee and snuggled beside him.

Day 117

Hoseok loves me.

I love him too, no doubt. We've been dating for months at this point.

The way it happened was kind of funny, really. I think our entire relationship is, in a sense. We were on the phone and he's away on some business trip. It was probably 3 AM or something, but I was up doing work and he's the type who doesn't feel like hanging up, willing to simply bathe in someone's presence, even if it's only through a screen. He's extroverted like that- he can't stand not having human interaction.

It was when I was yawning, finally wrapping up my work, and Hoseok, though two hours behind me, was getting tired, too. Both of us agreed to hang up, and as he was saying goodbye he accidentally blurted, "Good night, I love you." As soon as he realized what he had admitted, his eyes were the size of golf balls, and he kept murmuring, 'shit shit shit'. In his flustering movements and embarrassment, he dropped the phone, and whilst picking it back up he accidentally hung up.

I, meanwhile, was boisterously laughing the entire time. After the tears dried off my face I squealed to myself, smiling despite everything as I decided first thing when he came back I'd tell him that I felt the same. I had been wondering how to properly address it, but, then again, our relationship isn't exactly the smoothest.

God, I love that fucking dork.

Day 120

I told Hoseok I loved him.

I did it in a really cute way, being the very extra person I am. As I was picking him up from the airport, I decided to make a sign, the same way rich people make their butlers to hold up signs with their last names without anything better to do. On the sign, I put glitter and hearts and pink- trying to make it seem as corny as possible. It said 'Jung, I love you 2'. To top it all off, I had a heart-shaped balloon tied to my left wrist.

Hoseok laughed the moment he saw it, knowing it was just like me to go outrageously above and beyond with this gesture. He dropped his bags and came up to me, hoisting me in the air as though we were in some sort of romcom, and kissed me like it was the first time in years, and in between each kiss he mumbled, "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Some people were glaring at the PDA, and the fact I was spreading the glitter from the sign everywhere, but I didn't care. I just cared about the fact that he was back, and he was home, and he was in my arms.

Day 352

Hoseok and I live together now. It's finally been settled. The last box from my now ex-roommate's apartment has been removed, and my toothbrush now sits in the same little cup as Hoseok's does. We spend so much time at each other's places, it was bound to happen. We already act like an old married couple, so I simply asked, "Hey, what would you think if we moved in together?"

He was surprisingly all in for it. He helped me pack and move my things, and here we both are, unpacking my clothes and dividing the drawers so I can cram clothes I no longer wear and lacy underwear I've never worn in the wedges and cracks. Hoseok doesn't complain though- instead of calling me out saying, "You wear the same bra and sweatpants every day, why do you need all of these shorts with writings on the ass?" To which I'd reply, "Fuck off, it was the 2000's." No, he simply says, "You can get the drawers on the left, and I'll get the ones on the right."

I think we work well together so far- but lord knows that living with Hoseok will change things.

The guy puts the toilet paper under instead of over. I'm living with a sociopath- might as well be Jake Paul!

Day 405

Today is my one year anniversary with Hoseok.

My boss forced me to stay late at work, and because of the shitty cellular reception, I was unable to call Hoseok to explain the situation. One of the employees I was supposed to manage severely fucked up, therefore I was the one who was forced to clean up their mess. The boss kept their hawk eyes on me the entire time, as though they blamed me for what had happened, and was scared I'd screw up again. I didn't even have time to whip out my phone to tell Hoseok I was going to be late. It was a pity, too, seeing as he was so excited about whatever surprise he had prepared for me.

By the time I got home, it was far later than usual, and there was dripping wax from the candlelit setup, and the pancakes- my favorite- were cold. Hoseok had fallen asleep at the table, wearing a cute apron and still clutching his phone in his hand.

I felt so guilty for missing our anniversary. Once I woke him up, I apologized profusely, trying to explain the situation. He was groggy, barely understanding what I was saying. I could feel how neglected he felt so, how betrayed and sad. Even when I showed him the tickets to the game he wanted to see- damn good tickets, too- he seemed depressed and sulky. He won't talk to me now, instead giving me a kiss and saying he'd go to bed.

I feel terrible.

Day 456

Hoseok and I got into a fight today.

It was over nothing, really. I forgot what it was over in the first place, but it escalated pretty quickly.

Somehow the conversation deterred to how his parents disapprove of me and how I don't seem to truly love him some days- that I don't take our relationship seriously.

I was sobbing by the end of it, my voice hoarse as I asked him to name examples. I couldn't deny what he said though- but he made it seem as though I put work over him. Not just the anniversary blunder, but the canceling of plans and making him feel neglected or unloved. The best I could fire back with was how his mother always glared at me and made me feel uncomfortable when we went to visit her, and I felt like some whore she thought was taking advantage of her son.

We're both going to bed angry to cool off- but I think it's for the best. I still feel the adrenaline surging throughout me in anger at his words. I hope we can fix this by tomorrow.

Day 623

Apparently Hoseok is cheating on me.

Ridiculous, right? I don't even believe it myself.

A girl friend of mine called me over to come hang out- said it was urgent. I just thought that if she was getting engaged she might as well tell me over the phone.

I think anyone gets a sense of dread when someone says the words, "I have to tell you something," or "I need to talk to you." It just rises panic.

But I wasn't prepared for this.

She says she saw Hoseok with another girl yesterday.

That's ridiculous. I laughed and told her she probably saw someone else and left it at that. Still, curiosity and dread clawed at me. Hoseok and I have been getting in more arguments lately- but surely he wouldn't cheat, right?

I went to confront him- no, no, ask is more correct- about my friend's suspicions. But he was so tired, I just sent him to bed. No doubt he had a long day at work. Besides, I trust Hoseok. There's no way he'd do something like that. The boy who was too afraid to kiss me on the lips he gave me a peck on the cheek? A cheater? Ha! I even laugh as I write this, it's so preposterous.

I'm sure everything's fine.

I hope.

Day 645

I believe Hoseok is cheating on me.

I can't even say it out loud and I'm writing it down.

We've gotten into a lot of fights lately, sure. How I'm too insensitive and don't take anything seriously, to how he focuses too much on work and doesn't acknowledge the hard work I'm putting in. It starts with the small stuff, like what Netflix show to watch, and it slowly escalates. It's been like this for a few months, but goddammit, I love him. I've been with him for so long.

I don't know what to do.

He's been late from work a lot more than usual these past few weeks. I didn't care- more time for me to be away- but then I got suspicious.

Today I found a pair of underpants that aren't mine. This red, skimpy thong. I haven't touched any of my lingerie since I moved in, I never felt the need to impress him after we began letting go. Lord knows he has. So I know it's not mine- and I'll be damned if he's wearing sexier thongs than I am.

No, I don't feel in the mood to be funny. I can't. I can't crack a joke and pretend everything's some comedy skit on SNL. My boyfriend of over a year is sleeping with another woman and it fucking hurts.

I think I'm going to go to bed.

Day 679

"Leave him," they say. "He's a cheating bastard."

I can't deny that bit. I know it- he knows it- we're just still pretending like we're happy. Of course, it's difficult with his dick lodged in some other girl's pussy.

We got in a fight last night and I was brought to tears. He went on about how I couldn't be serious for five minutes since I never seemed to be able to take things into account. I wanted to point out that he wasn't taking our relationship seriously- I almost did, too. I almost blurted out those words, called him exactly what he was, but I couldn't. I can't confront him. I just choke on my own words, as though I'm scared to admit it to myself.

So instead I leave, slamming the door behind me and going out drinking with the girls, downing my thoughts away as they repeat the same old words about how all men are trash.

I'm in the bathroom sobbing by the toilet as I write this. I still love him. How could he do this to me? I can't change who I am. What he once loved about me he seems to despise. He's sleeping right now- went to bed without waiting for me after we had a fight like he used to.

Life fucking sucks.

Day 700

He's leaving.

I heard him on the phone. He calls her 'baby'. I can barely recall the last time he called me that. He says the word promise a lot. She seems angry. I'm writing this as I listen through the landline. The idiot didn't even use his cell phone. He says it'll be in about a week before he breaks things off with me. Why hasn't he done it before if he truly loves this girl? He clearly doesn't love me anymore. Why does he stay? Why do I stay?

She doesn't believe that he's leaving but he keeps saying, "I promise, baby, I promise." I want to shout through the line that he hasn't kept a single promise he's made me, but of course, I can't do that. What mistress would care, anyway?

I wonder at times what she looks like. Sometimes I see a smear of her lipstick on our bedspread or a hair on our couch, and I find myself piecing together an image. She's pretty- prettier than me. That's for sure. She has to be if he's leaving me for her. I don't think I want to know, though. It'll make me feel more insecure about myself.

Maybe it was for the best. Both he and I were too stubborn to leave a toxic relationship on its own- so add a third party into the mix to act as a catalyst. Great fucking idea.

He's hanging up now. He told her he loves her.

It took him 117 days to admit he loved me. I wonder how long it took him to fall for her. To fall out of love with me. I wonder how many days it'll take for me to fall out of love with him. It feels like it'll be forever. I still flip my pages to the beginning of this little book, the beginning of it all as I recorded my- no, our journey together.

I guess it's appropriate this is where it ends.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

Day 707

The smoke from the back of the car makes you grimace as you stand stiff and cross-armed by the taxi, Hoseok lugging his suitcases and stuff into the trunk. He would get a friend to stop by tomorrow to pick up the rest of his stuff- assuming you don't burn it by then.

You had caught him packing last night when you finally confronted him, an explosive fight breaking out between the two of you as you both burst into tears. You at the fact he was cheating and leaving you, and him because of what had become of the two of you, how bitter and hateful you had become to one another. And then you both became hollow, cold shells to each other as he packed the rest of his things, getting up bright and early that morning to go to her place, to live there.

Your hands are shaking as you put your hand on his shoulder, and he slowly turns to you.

"Please don't try to convince me to stay, Y/N." His voice is hard and cold, and it makes you feel like an unwanted stranger. Perhaps you were. You barely knew the man before you. He was nothing like the man you had first met on New Year's Eve.

"I won't," you say softly. "I just wanted to give you... a goodbye present."

Hoseok pauses at that and turns around to face you completely, a small book in your hands. "What's this?" he questions.

You suck in a deep breath. "I can't bear to look at it- but it'd be a shame to burn it. You'd have better use of it than me, I think. It's my recordings of... the story of us, I suppose. What it was."

Hoseok's silent for a moment, staring down at the book. "I'm sorry things had to end this way," he murmured quietly, and for a second you're afraid he's going to cry again. Lord knows Hoseok was always a sensitive person.

You find a lump forming in your own throat. "I know you are," you simply say.

Hoseok opens the book to the first page, and you see him sniffle, a tear rolling down his face. Despite all of your friends screaming in your head to spit in his face and scream your head off at him, you see a sliver of the Hoseok you once knew, and you can't bear to show resentment at this moment.

"Day 1," he speaks, his voice cracking. "I met a boy today."

"Yesterday, to be more precise. Exactly 5 hours and 48 minutes from ago, from the moment that I'm writing down these words," you reminisce, quoting it word for word. "You don't know how many times I looked back at that first page, to the memory of when I first met you."

"I wish we could've started over," he said, voice a whisper as his fingers brush over the strokes of your words. "When did things change?"

"Keep reading and find out," you joke, hot tears rolling down your cheeks in fat drops. You feel angry. Angry at yourself for letting the relationship come to this- angry at him for cheating on you- angry, angry, angry. You brush them quickly, stepping back before he could even attempt to reach out to you. "It's a good story, through and through. It'll make for a good read in the car- since you don't get car sick, and all that." God, you remember how jealous you were when you found out that little fact.

There's a pregnant pause between you two.

"I'm still so, so sorry," Hoseok whispered.

For a moment, once again, he reminds you of Day 1 Hoseok, with those soft eyes and sweet expressions.

"Well, being sorry doesn't exactly fix anything, does it?" you spit bitterly, the anger rising once again. Hoseok didn't deserve a bittersweet ending. "It doesn't unfuck a girl, it doesn't erase months of lies, and it doesn't fix our relationship- more accurately what was left of it."

Hoseok doesn't say anything, letting you vent as you continued to berate him.

"I know I fucked up by putting work over you, but that doesn't give you an excuse to cheat. You said it last night- you should've ended things earlier if you really wanted to be with her. You just dragged me along- and despite what you think, I truly loved- no, still love, you. Otherwise, I wouldn't hurt so much. Otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed, cried, and fought for you. The fact I can't even mark that stupid little book shows that and more- and if you truly still don't believe my feelings, that book will prove it to you. Hundreds of days of you and I written there because I thought- I don't even know what I thought anymore. You're not the Jung Hoseok I fell for, and I guess I'm not the Y/N you fell in love with."

"Anything else you want to say?" Hoseok breathed solemnly, not even putting up a fight to defend himself. It angered you more that he wasn't fighting back, like your usual duals. He simply took it and stood there, not caring anymore. He couldn't even fight anymore. People only fought for things they cared about- and clearly, he didn't care about you anymore.

Yes, you want to scream. You fucked up. Badly. You're the antagonist in this situation, not me. You're the bad guy. We could've had a fresh start and worked things out- but you're the one who fucking fucked things up like the fucker you are. This is your fault!

"Nothing you don't already know."

Hoseok was tight-lipped, mumbling a goodbye as he left in the taxi, letting the story come to a close.

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brightly-painted-canvas · 6 years ago

Note

Hi! I've noticed you wrote rami and joe being roommates in one italian joe fic and i love the idea!!!! Do you mind sharing maybe more hcs?

Hi! Sorry for being so late >.(since I couldn’t finish today and tomorrow’s entries for the Sledgefu week, I figured I could at least reply to your request that was sitting for some time in my ask box)(it still took some time to write ‘cause I tend to get a lot invested in these things… hope you don’t mind!)

It all starts because Rami has to move to NYC to film Mr Robot and the flat he had decided to rent for the first months in the city is suddenly no more available (for an unlucky coincidence of bad maintenance from the previous owners, delay on reparation works from the current owner and Rami’s lack of time to get directly involved in these matters) and he has to ask to his New Yorker friends for a place to crash, promising it would be only for the time it takes for his flat to get fixed

of course Joe is the first friend to reply and the most enthusiastic one because he’s like that and he’s always there to lend a hand

of course (2) Rami’s own flat’s works get delayed over and over again and at the end he’s finishing shooting S1 of Mr Robot and he’s still living with Joe (and loving the shit out of their shared routine)

since the first week of their cohabitation, Joe has Rami saved under ‘Roomie Malek’ on his phone (and finds it hilarious, thank you very much)

he steals Rami’s phone at some point and saves himself as ‘Joe Roommazello’ (also hilarious, he’s born to make great puns)

Rami never changes that for some reason (reasons different than his inability with technology I know how to make my phone work Joe fuck right off)

problems with Rami’s real inability with technology start manifesting when Joe, who at that moment is a 30 years old single and ready to mingle boi, realises it’s impossible to successfully end a date with Rami as a roommate, since he doesn’t check his phone EVER and he always misses Joe’s texts about needing the house for himself until at least 11 pm

the times Rami walks in to Joe and a gal/bloke making out on the couch reaches uncountable amounts very fast

Joe is very uncomfortable and Rami is always apologetic but he simply seems unable to solve these recurrent awkward situations by checking and maybe replying to Joe’s desperate texts and phone calls

Joe tries to find a remedy by buying a large whiteboard he hangs on the kitchen’s wall. He divides it in seven sections for the seven days of the week and then instruct Rami to use a red marker while he uses a blue one

the whiteboard is to keep tracks of their schedules so that everyday they know what they have to do and at what hour they should be expected home without having to call the other’s manager

it starts off pretty well but then it becomes so convenient that they begin to leave messages on each other’s daily space, written in their marker colour but in opposite handwritings (‘remember to buy milk’ ‘I’m lactose intolerant’ ‘from Rami to Rami: remember to buy milk’ - underlined - ‘from Joe to Joe: remember to buy regular milk for Rami and soy milk for you’ ‘trip to LA in one week’ ‘I’m gonna miss you’ ‘you’re coming with me’ ‘oh right I forgot’ ‘this is what the board’s for’, etc.)

(a third marker is added to the board. It’s green and it means things they do together)

(it’s still impossible to prevent Rami to catch Joe in compromising positions with his dates because even writing ‘DATE NIGHT’ - underlined - on the board doesn’t mean Rami’s sleepy and tired mind after a full day on set is going to remember that he needs to give Joe his private time at home before he can have dinner, take a shower and fall into bed)

(trying to have sex while Rami’s eating cereal in the kitchen is an absolutely miserable experience, Joe finds out)

Joe stops dating altogether at some points. It saves him the stress to try and find a date and getting ready and spending lots of money for nothing. Moreover, his evenings are already plenty of fun with his and Rami’s late dinners and movie nights and script readings and scene rehearsing and lazy cuddles on the couch

cuddles are a must in their house, by the way. It’s written in their Roommates Contract which they never actually redacted but they quote from all the time since they rewatched S1 of TBBT together (‘before the show turned to shit’ ‘please don’t say that in public’). They’re both very tactile, affectionate men and they really really don’t care about any toxic masculinity crap, especially in the privacy of their own home

they mostly cuddle in the evening on the couch under a blanket (watching old movies they both love like ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ which is Joe’s favourite and always makes him cry a bit at the end) or on Joe’s bed when Rami comes home very late from set and really needs a hug before going to bed. Joe is always willing to hug someone in distress, even if that requires being woken up at 2 am with a armful of yawning Rami Malek complaining about skipping dinner and feeling NY’s freezing winter weather into his very bones

(Joe hugs him closes and then gets up to make him a ham sandwich while Rami takes a boiling hot shower)

Rami doesn’t date. There are multiple reasons why, but mostly it’s because he’s too busy with filming his first leading role in a tv show and because he’s not one for one night stands so he prefers skipping the dating process altogether while he’s too into his job to really make an effort

plus, Joe’s enough of a reassuring, calming presence in his life at the moment. He’s someone Rami can trust wholeheartedly, from that time he calls him from set panicking about forgetting to turn off the stove that morning (to which Joe has to run home and check if that is true and their apartment is on fire - it isn’t -) to that other time he fell sick with the flu and Joe cancelled his plans to take care of him and make sure he didn’t die of dehydration and lack of medications

Joe is also someone who makes Rami laugh and smile and be happy and he does so all the time, effortlessly. It is probably the characteristic that Rami loves the most about Joe, together with his intelligence and his good manners and his profound respect of others

(basically, everything about Joe is nice in Rami’s eyes)

(and it seems everything about Rami is nice in Joe’s eyes too)

because Rami is also enough for Joe. He’s there for the whole writing process of Joe’s directing debut ‘Undrafted’ and when Joe needs help rehearsing or proof reading a scene, he’s willing to sacrifice all his free time to lend a hand. Rami’s presence in Joe’s home is comforting to the point he find it difficult to fall asleep or remembering things like doing the laundry or going grocery shopping when Rami’s back in LA or somewhere promoting Mr Robot because what’s the point?

(Joe doesn’t like to do things alone anymore)

Rami makes Joe feel safe and grounded. Joe has always been a bit of an anxiety-prone person, always fretting about this or that but at the same time incredibly inclined to fall into profound boredom during lulls in activity between jobs. Rami’s presence somehow prevents him to get too caught up in his own mind during busy times and too lazy to function as a regular human being when he’s got nothing to do

it somehow reminds him of when they first met, on the set of The Pacific: Rami had been an anchor for him at that time too, the ‘one who makes it great’ with his hard work and grace under pressure and willingness to always strive for more, better, best. Their great connection and synergy had started back then and never left. This knowledge makes Joe sad sometimes, thinking about all those years in between when they hadn’t been as close, hadn’t kept in touch enough

sometimes they call Martin just to bother him at odd hours (mostly when it’s already late at night in Ireland) and they always invite him to the US to spend some time together, even if they’re all very busy with their works. Some other time they arrange nights out with Noel and Brendan and all those other The Pacific kids they’re still in contact with because they still get along like brothers and New York is the place where all their roads cross at some point or another

members of their families come to visit and arranging sleeping accommodations when the Maleks are over is the most complicated task: they have two bedrooms with queen size beds and a couch that can accomodate one more person, but they always refuse to let Nelly sleep on it and both offer their own bed to Rami’s mom

after hours of offerings and complaints (Italian hospitality having a fitful match with Egyptian proper manners… the Mediterraneans are all stubborn and prideful in their own ways of being good people), she accepts to sleep in Rami’s bed while the twins take Joe’s bed and Joe creates a nest for himself on the couch

(Nelly wakes up early one morning during their stay to find the couch empty and her three boys all asleep on Joe’s bed with Joe’s laptop still open showing its screensaver and Sami curled up against Rami’s back as Rami’s head is on Joe’s shoulder and Joe’s right arm is under Rami’s waist)

(she closes the door quietly and prepare breakfast for the four of them and doesn’t say a thing when they all emerge sleepy and messy from Joe’s bedroom, but she smiles knowingly at Sami when he catches her eyes as they witness Joe and Rami’s perfect coordination in serving each other toasts and coffee with the right amount of milk and sugar without having to say one single word)

when Yasmine comes to visit, she usually stays in a hotel with her fiancée/husband so they only have to worry about dinner and entertainment

when Joe’s sister comes to visit with her family, Rami gets so excited to see Joe’s nephews that he can’t fall asleep the night prior. He loves chatting with Mary and her husband but the kids are an absolute joy to have around: they play board games and watch movies and one time they all go ice skating together and Rami almost tears up when the youngest calls him (albeit accidentally) ‘uncle’ for the first time

soon (too soon) Mr Robot S1 is over and Undrafted is ready to go into production and while they’re very excited for their new projects, they feel like they’re slowly drifting apart and they don’t like it one bit

Rami is conflicted about moving back to LA for the months he has before S2 starts filming and taking his stuff with him to finally free Joe of his presence. He’s got enough time to look for a new place to stay on his own while he’s back living with Sami, but somehow he doesn’t want to proceed with this plan

Joe’s rarely at home enough to sit down and have a serious conversation about it, but at the same time Rami doesn’t think this is a topic they can discuss over the phone so he delays his flight and he delays having to think about it until

one evening Joe comes home tired and stressed out and crushed by the amount of pressure he’s under to make this movie (HIS movie) work

Rami is there to comfort him and force him to eat dinner and have a shower and going to bed and when Joe breaks down crying in his arms sobbing about not being good enough it takes Rami 0.01 seconds to decide to cancel his flight and stop worrying about what’s right and what’s proper because he’s needed HERE RIGHT NOW and he has to stay but most of all he WANTS to stay

he’s never gonna be perfectly sure he’s the right person to do this for Joe, if Joe needs him because he is conveniently already there in his life or if he’s there because he has been good all along (chosen maybe), because they made it work and it’s working perfectly, because somehow they’ve become exactly what the other needs for it to be right

he’s never gonna be sure but they don’t really have to talk about it either because they both wants this and they’re ready to make an effort to make it right and keep it being right

(Rami thinks Joe makes him a better person because he is inherently a good person. Joe thinks Rami makes him a better person because he is inherently a good person)

soon (2) it’s time for Mr Robot S2 and Rami never really went away in the meanwhile, but that’s okay. Joe is editing Undrafted and it’s maybe not going to be the best film ever made but it’s good and Joe likes it (and Rami likes it a lot) and that’s okay. They’re still living together and their families still love coming to visit them and their whiteboard is still full of things to do written in green and that’s okay. Rami stops looking for flats to rent or buy in NYC and that’s absolutely okay

they celebrate one year of being roommates with dinner in a fancy restaurant downtown (Rami’s choice) and a walk in the park and when they get home they watch Netflix on Joe’s bed and Joe says ‘if I’d known the only way for you not to ruin a date night was having a date night with you, I’d asked you out sooner’ and Rami laughs until there are tears in the corner of his eyes

they are (more than) okay.

#anon ask #hc request #mazlek #rami malek #joe mazzello #I don't even know if half of these reference are true (especially about their families)#but I don't want to look into it 'cause it's their private life :)#roommates #rommates mazlek

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